A relationship with the skeleton is probably the only relationship you could ever have, since no one alive would want you. So, it is honestly quite a shame for you that you are not in a relationship with him.
You will die alone and miserable with no family.
-💠
ohhhh my god FUCK OFFFFF NOBODY CARESSSS!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE FRIENDS WHO LOVED AND MISSED ME BITCH. NIKI FUCKIN LEFT ME AN ASK FUCKOFFF
36 notes
·
View notes
so once me and my wife were watching a documentary where a snake ate like a million eggs. that snake just went to fucking town on eggs. and the snake made the eggs look so good that i kept thinking about it, and thinking about it, and thinking about it, and eventually it was 11pm and i ran out of willpower and decided to eat one (1) singular raw egg just to prove to myself that the snake was surely a liar.
the snake was not a liar. texture is like, super important to me and raw eggs are very Texture so i had another one, and then another one, and then another one, and eventually i ran out of eggs.
i had like, fifteen raw eggs.
i didnt really know how to explain this momentary madness to my wife, so my Plan was to put all the eggshells into a grocey bag, and then throw that grocery bag in the dumpster, and if she never noticed that would be Excellent and if she noticed immediately i could lie and say that the eggs went bad.
except i cant lie very good, and of course with murphys law being such, i got salmonella.
so i threw up a lot and my wife asked me what poisoned me so and i tried very hard to dodge the question but i was oozing shame like oil from a room temperature cheese and eventaully i gave in and told her everything and to her enormous credit she was more flabbergasted than actually upset. she did make me promise to not eat any more raw eggs, which i have stuck to, and she gives me weird looks during nature documentaries now as if desire was the only thing keeping me from eating thousands of pounds of krill
anyway i made a joke earlier about being able to eat my age in eggs and my sister in law in law made a drawing to comemorate the moment and also because it was my birthday. she's excellent. thank you 10000000% @cintailed. you should all visit her page and admire her work.
55K notes
·
View notes
one of the most infuriating things about becoming an adult is when you realize that it actually is 10x easier to solve problems by making a phone call vs literally any other communication method
79K notes
·
View notes
>be me, massive egg
>kind of a 6/10, mid looking, glasses, nerdy clothes, scruffy beard, baggy eyes
>have a type that i have to hots for
>gothy wth bangs, slightly chubby
>egg cracks, transition, dye my hair, change my fashion style, gain weight do to eating healthier
>mfw i became my type
>always was a little bi but now with hormones i start developing more of an attraction for men
>find out i like nerdy, scruffy guys with glasses and baggy eyes
>mfw past me is now my type
>wtf
41K notes
·
View notes
…dude diamonds trying to tell you they might be your sibling
.
what
24 notes
·
View notes
Don't worry, no one in our family is [REDACTED]
53K notes
·
View notes
blood “loss”? well it’s not lost. i know exactly where it went. right over there.
134K notes
·
View notes