#if you disagree you can share images that match their expressions

[littlelightfish]

I hope you see my vision

[metvmorqhoses]

Hi! I never read the original trilogy before watching the show, only the crows books, but I agree with a lot of what you’ve said about Alina & Aleksander. It’s obviously a cruel and poorly fitting match. May I ask what kind of person you think would truly match Aleksander better?

So, here is the deal: while the right answer to this question might appear pretty obvious, since pretty much everyone in the fandom agrees that Aleksander deserves an equal, I have to confess that I've always found a big flaw in this otherwise, well, flawless reasoning.

Albeit I obviously agree with everything you said about Alina's (especially show!Alina) lack of... personality (to express it kindly), I think dismissing the general concept of book!Alina, at least in the way she should have been written had her writer any sense of artistic potential, might actually be a dire mistake in the proverbial grand scheme of literary things.

I'll explain.

It's indeed pretty easy to sketch out Aleksander's ideal match. He himself would tell you he'd need a mirror image of who he is in order to finally, finally, feel complete: someone to match him in power, but above all in his understanding of power; someone to match him in immortality, but above all in his experience with it; someone who shares his predatory eagle-view on existence and therefore sharp-sighted enough to look in his same direction and see the same clash of colors in dawns and sunsets turning morality and philosophy unforgiving black.

In short, Aleksander would need someone who shares his unique condition, but most importantly having already lived through each and every single stage of it (the same despair, the same fear, the same loneliness) and therefore being someone who just gets what it means, what it feels, to be him.

There's no doubt in my mind this is what the Darkling dreamt about in the dead of night, what he prayed for before actually finding the Sun Summoner. He prayed she had been out there all along somehow, each year he himself had existed, going through the same centuries of unforgiveness, of solitude, of horror, through the same desperate quest for an equal, for him, just as he had been looking for her, all that time, all along.

I've seen many amazing people believing this very same thing while exploring the possibility in both meta and fanfiction, and I absolutely get where they are coming from. But I'm afraid I have to disagree. As poets say, there's a huge difference between what someone thinks they need and what they actually do need.

Aleksander's perfect match should indeed be his mirror image, but the mirror image of the boy he once was (the boy who was in love with "all the colors one cannot see in the dark", the one who was moved by the mere idea of companionship and intimacy, who was brave enough to risk his own life for the sake of a little girl he had just met), and not of the eternal and lost creature he had become, no matter how shocking the mere notion would be to him.

Aleksander would need a person who reminds him of the unspoiled self that was torn away from him, of his original unmarred idealism, his profound appreciation for living before he became a mere stubborn and bitter habit, of the humanity he was forced to shed. And, above all, Aleksander would need to be able himself to perform this act of saving, protecting and cherishing this twin heart for the sake of that heart of his no one had cared to save in time.

I think seeing himself, his truer, unspoiled self, in his equal and being able to shield her from everything he endured, as a single beam of light in endless oceans of darkness, would be virtually the only thing able to save him in turn, finally giving his life a meaning no war nor time could steal away from him.

And this is precisely why I think the concept of Alina had real literary potential, had it been used wisely, because Alina was supposed to be exactly that - an Alexander who can still, materially, be protected, saved, someone with the strength of not treding her own humanity for comforting numbness and disillusion, not even while crushed by the weight of eternity, and, in doing so, allowing him to be human and bearably so for the first time in his eternal detached yet still excruciating exististing.

It's a pity, because at fleeting times both books and show did touch on this very topic, almost giving in, only to idiotically shy away from it for reasons that will always be beyond me.

[theleftovertaco]

You Were Maid For This

There is an increasing amount of boys on tiktok in maid costumes, and when someone dressed up as Malfoy in a maid outfit, I had to write this (if you want the video just send an ask and I’ll send you the link). Here we have Fred, George, Harry, Ron, Neville, and Draco. Just a heads up, some of the details are purposefully vague so that the reader can be interpreted as being from any house, in any year, and of any gender, if i trip up or you think there is a way i could improve, please let me know since i finally have asks and submissions enabled

•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•

Whoever decided this was a good idea.... was absolutely fucking correct

It was you, you decided it was a good idea

You darted into the great hall, sat down, and told Colin Creevey to set up his camera and to not be a snitch, and then you waited.

Fred and George came first, and to an onslaught of laughter and a little bit of applause.

Because low and behold, they came in wearing matching maid outfits. 

Pink. Frilly. Fucking. Maid. Outfits.

“We wanna know”, George said as he plopped down on your right, ��who thought it would be funny to take all our clothes in the middle of the night and leave us with only THESE!” You stifled laughter by shoving a piece of scrambled egg in your mouth.

Fred tilted his head your way from the other side of you. “You think this is funny, do you love?”

“I find it to be the purest form of comedy.”

“Ugh” came the simultaneous replies, “This has to the fluffiest thing I have ever worn.”

“I don’t know”, laughed Harry, “the cat ears just bring out your eyes so well!”

He got identical middle fingers in response.

“Maybe you should just work with it, not against it” , Hermione interjected her two sickles into the conversation, “try to rock it.”

“Rock it?” They both titled their heads a little to the left.

“It’s a muggle expression, when a person tries to make a style work even if they’re not fond of it.”

“Ah.” Came the reply from your left.

“Maybe we should try to, uhh, rock it.”

You giggled and turned to Colin, “You two have fun with that, in the meantime, would you mind taking a picture, I’d like it for blackmail material.”

“Colin, you take that picture and I smash your camera.” Fred’s threat fell on deaf ears and after the image was pointed out on Colin’s new Polaroid you took the image, fanning it as you slipped 5 knuts into the small boys hand.

In McGonagall’s class, the boys flounced into class and immediately began flirting with the other boys in class.

“Weasley and Weasley, sit down before I turn the dress green!”

“Professor, that would clash with our hair.” A stern look silenced George pretty quick and they both sat down, though after they did McGonagall had to turn around to hide a smile.

Professor Sprout let out a booming laugh when they entered greenhouse four and simply shooed them to their stations. The Dittany plants they had planted into the plant beds saw that the white of their costumes were freckled with brown, but a quick scourgify from Sprout and they were good as new.

She sent them on their way with a comment that they, “look adorable!”

Flitwick couldn’t say much, he fell off his book stack laughing when they walked in and stayed on the floor for half and hour.

Charms class was excused for the rest of the day since their professor couldn’t calm down.

They reconvened with you for study hall in the courtyard looking a little too pleased with themselves.

“I take it people liked them?” You shouted across the yard.

“Yeah, Flitwick couldn’t stay on his stack.” Fred grinned.

“Well, I really must say, you both look very pretty.” They both laughed but you didn’t miss the way their cheeks flushed at this very different compliment.

“Yes, they look very pretty, don’t they”, Malfoy sauntered across the courtyard, “It’s such a manly look for them. Very fitting, since you two are too stupid to get any job outside of being janitorial staff.”

Fred nearly growled and you and George had to pull him to sit back down on the fountain ledge. 

“Don’t worry, he’s next on the list.” You whispered. Identical mops of red hair whipped towards you.

“It was you!” came the in unison exclamations.

“Of course it was me, who else would it be!”

“Y/N!” Fred bemoaned.

“How could you betray us like this?” George was howling like he’d just been stabbed. 

“I wouldn’t call it betrayal, just a bit of fun.”

“How did you even get up to the common room?” Fred was incredulous.

“You should know by now that I know how to get past those charms.”

“Ok, we’ll admit that was pretty funny.” George replied.

“Thank you, I try. Just make sure you don’t tell anyone else yet.”

“Of course. So, where are our clothes?”

“You’ll get them back when I’m finished with the prank. Bye you two.”

You got identical “NOOOOO”s as you left the courtyard.

2 down. 4 to go. 

•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•

                         “Creevey! Same drill as yesterday.” Colin nodded and whipped out his camera to get it ready.

“You might wanna hide for this one, I doubt Malfoy would appreciate you taking his picture in this state.” He promptly ducked under the table until just the lens peeked out above the table. 

Draco stomped into the Great Hall, sat over at the Slytherin table, and huffed as most of Gryffindor let out thunderous laughter. 

“Whoever did this will be on the very unpleasant end of an unforgivable when I find them!” You could barely hear him above the giggles. 

“Mr. Malfoy, I know I did not just hear a threat from you?” McGonagall walked past the table and let out an affronted sound.

“Er-...of course not professor.” She hmphed and walked off.

“I don’t know Malfoy, maybe this could be good for you. This is what you get for making fun of the twins.” Fred and George nodded next to you, still in their outfits from the other day.

“Shut it, Y/Ln. If this was you I swear to Merlin.”

“I will admit to no such thing.”

Draco, unlike the twins, very much did not rock the maid outfit. Flitwick had finally gotten over his laughter and could teach as normal, but Professor Sinestra couldn’t help but let out a chuckle when a very grumpy Malfoy stepped up the astronomy tower with a few Gryffindor students trailing after him, making some rather inappropriate jokes about his backside.

Snape merely grumbled that his costume better not interfere with the lesson and moved on.

“Ok.” Malfoy finally sat down at your table in the library, “I concede, now please give me my clothes back.” 

“I have no clue what you’re talking about.” You said with a sinister grin. 

“Y/Ln!!!!” he groaned. 

“It's not that big of a deal. So you wear a dress. Guys can wear dresses.”

“Doesn’t mean I want to!” he yelled, before being shushed by Pince. 

“You know”, you began to speculate, “I think you’re arguing to deflect because you don’t want to admit that you actually like wearing a dress, even if it’s just a little bit.”

There was only silence in return and you smirked.

“You get your clothes back when I’m done with my prank.”

“Thank you. One more thing.”

“Yeah?”

“Can you change my outfit to be green? Pink is not my color.” 

“I disagree, but fine.”

Halfway done. 

•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•

By day three, many of the boys at Hogwarts held the mild fear that they would be next to have their clothing swapped. 

Creevey had also picked up on the drill at this point.

Ron and Harry were next. 

You knew Harry would at least try to be a good sport. Ron, on the other hand, was a bit more of a wild card and you were a little nervous for his reaction.

“What. The. FUCK!” He whisper shouted when he got to Breakfast, slamming his hands down on the table. Harry chuckled and sat down next to him.

“So we were the next victims, hm.” Fred and George must have told Harry it was you, since he looked you way and playfully glared and stuck his tongue out at you, which you happily returned.

“Mature, Y/N.”

“You started it- wait no, ok now I hear it.”

“I swear to Godric Colin if you take my picture in this I will end you.” Ron snapped as the kid squeaked and ducked down, but the click of the lens appeared nonetheless. 

Harry and Ron went about their classes trying to attract as little attention as possible. Flitwick was used to the skirts at this point and merely smirked and asked the boys to sit down while commenting they should be careful with the lace collar since it was delicate.

During quidditch practice, Harry and the Twins did have a bit of trouble flying with the dress, since some of the other players and onlookers made comments from below. 

“Oi! Stop peeking!” Fred shouted at a third year girl who giggled and scurried off.

Professor Trelawney stared at the two before claiming that the fates told her to advise them to wear a blue dress the next time. 

“Harry told me it was you.” Ron huffed as he slumped down in the grass by the lake near you. Harry sat down shortly after.

“It’s not that big of a deal. Honestly, I think you look cute in it.” Ron blushed at the compliment but didn’t say anything more. 

“I’m guessing we won’t be getting our clothes back for a while?”

“You’re catching on. Only one more day. The last person is tomorrow and then you get your Friday off from wearing it.”

“Oh thank Merlin.” You heard Ron sigh in relief.

1 more person left.

•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•

If we’re being honest you were most worried about Neville. That’s why you wanted him last, so he would only have to deal with it for a day in case it backfired. Also so that Malfoy couldn’t say anything because he would also be wearing his.

Neville kinda just shuffled into the Great Hall, and then darted over to the table where he wolfed down his beans on toast before rushing back out to hide until his next class.

“Neville!” Harry and Ron ran after him, dresses jumping back and forth as they left.

It was doubtful you woulf see anything from them directly, you didn’t share any classes with Neville on thursdays.

Ron and Harry would have to catch you up afterwards.

You met back up with them at dinner.

“You ok, Neville?” He offered a sheepish smile and nodded.

“Harry and Ron said I’d be ok and that no one else could really say anything.”

“Snape just said not to be ‘any more of a nuisance than usual’”, Harry interrupted with a shitty impression, “ Binns was too interested in his fucking textbook to make a comment, McGonagall called the three of us ‘adorable’ and Dean and Seamus keep playing with our ears!” He batted away Seamus’ hand for what probably was the 40th time that day.

“Well, Neville, what did you think?” Eyes turned towards him and he blushed bright red.

“I”, he paused for a second, “it was fun, I guess. It was kind of funny seeing Malfoy in them.”

There was a slight pause, and then.

“I guess I’d do it again. Not the outfit but the dress or skirt. Maybe even the headband. Just not as fuzzy.” Neville looked down and kinda whispered the last part.

“I would too.” Ron, surprisingly was the next to admit it and from there came a round of agreements at Gryffindor table.

“Well if we’re being honest I think that George and I did indeed rock it.” Fred said as he dug into his pot roast

“That you did. If you lot want, we could go to a shop next Hogsmeade weekend, take a look around for some other skirts?”

You got a round of “yes”s and the conversation turned elsewhere.

•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•

“Hey,” Malfoy dropped into the seat next to you during study hall, “ how are you.”

You squinted at him.

“Fine? Why are you being so weird? You’re never nice.”

“Er, well, I mean I was hoping...that maybe... perhaps...”

“Spit it out Malfoy!”

“Could you take me to get a skirt?”

What?

“It’s just, after the first day, I kinda liked the skirt.”

You glared at him for a second.

“Yeah, ok, meet me at Hogsmeade entrance next month and we’ll go. Everyone else is going so play nice.”

He thanked you and left quickly.

•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•

“Well, you all look beautiful if I do say so myself.” You said as they each stepped out of the changing room wearing their skirts. Fred and George twirled around, Harry and Ron did a little dance, Neville jumped around a little bit, and Draco shifted his weight from foot to foot.’

“Well thank you love.” Fred skipped over to you in a plaid circle skirt, “I will say I prefer this skirt to the poofy one in the maid outfit.”

“You like the skirt, huh? You could even say you were maid for it.” You offered with a sly grin

“Why are you like this?”

“Nooo!”

“Shittiest pun ever.”

“Whyyyyy!”

“Please never speak again.”

“I literally hate you right now.”

Well, you win some, you lose some.

Tag list:

@omg-imatotalmess

[millenniumblog]

[ID: A chart describing the core values of each of the nine Enneagram personality types with YuGiOh characters correlated to each of the types.]

YuGiOh Enneagram Analysis, Part #1

Please note that this is the “boring” informational post about Enneagram with the Types listed and explained as well as a few other things. The next post is what has the actual, in-depth character profiles promised!

Introduction & Motivation

Over the past several months, I have been trying to analyze my strengths and weaknesses as a writer and learn more. I have been writing fanfiction since I was a little kid, making my first FF.net account in 2003 when I would have been twelve years old. Even before that, I was a lurker and wrote fics to share with my childhood best friend on paper or floppy discs.

YuGiOh came into my life at some point shortly thereafter. I know this, because I spent my thirteenth birthday in a comic book shop, mostly watching some of my male friends play the trading card game. I had some of the cards, but I was never much of a player, unable to keep up with the seemingly rapid rule changes. Besides that, I was always way more interested in the story and characters than I was in the card game. I remember I even wanted to call “YuGiOh cards” “Duel Monsters” instead to make it seem a little closer to tween-y LARPing.

Eventually, I gave up on collecting cards or trying to ply the game. I felt that while my male friends didn’t mind me being around when they played, they weren’t extremely interested in helping me learn or keep up. I felt I had other strengths, so I started carrying around a notebook even more than I already did. I started my fledgling forays into online fandom. And YuGiOh was a big part of the beginning of that.

I can’t remember posting any YuGiOh fic in particular, and I’m sure that if I had it would make me cringe now. What I do remember is reading some and also spending a lot of time lying on my bed, headphones plugged into a small purple stereo, listening to the first of the two American-released CDs with YuGiOh-inspired music on them. In particular, the last three tracks were pieces of music from the original score composed for the 4Kids dub, which is - for some reason - different from the original Japanese music.

During that time, I would fantasize and conjure my own YuGiOh plots in my head, most of which were focused on the Ancient Egyptian and more spooky, spiritual, and horror themes in the show. I was really fascinated with the reincarnation angle, though my understanding of and opinions on how that works have grown with time.

Years went by, and I didn’t think about YuGiOh much at all. Then, something happened in 2018. I don’t know what got in my head, but it was like all the joy I once found in thinking about the YuGiOh characters came back in a giddy conversation with my childhood best friend. Then, for a little while, it wouldn’t leave me alone.

I started writing for the fandom then, and after several detours, I’m trying to get back in the groove of it.

My approach to the tone of YuGiOh-fanning is that it’s a bit serious, but it’s also with a tongue placed in my cheek because of how incomprehensible or silly the plot can be on a meta level. Sometimes, it almost brings tears to my eyes by being so over-the-top about something that, in the real world, would make no sense at all. But the drama, in the context of the universe, somehow rings true.

I think that’s all owing to how most of the primary characters are just... really freaking great characters.

It has often puzzled me. Like, did Takahashi do all this layering on purpose? Is it really there, or did earnest fanon just make it seem like it? And, as a person, I am always here for a good fan-and-canon symbiosis.

This post is going to be, from here on, an effort to match the YuGiOh characters to the 9 Enneagram Personality Types. I am writing this for my own benefit as I continue to work on my pet YuGiOh fanfiction project, It’s Always Sunny in Domino City, which is a mixture of YGOTAS-vibes-and-concepts taken seriously and a sincere take on fanfiction for the actual canon. It’s dramedy about a sizeable chunk of the main cast a few years post-canon with some canon divergence such as the Memory World arc not yet and possibly never-happening. If that sounds like something you’d like, I would humbly request you check it out!

Either way, this will be an in-depth character analysis cheatsheet for all of the characters above, based on my observations, opinions, and feelings. I invite discussion, but it’s fine if we need to agree to totally disagree!

If you are interested and enjoy what’s below the Read More and in the coming second post, then you are welcome to utilize the character analyses to aid you in your own fanwork!

Enneagram

What is Enneagram, and why am I using it?

Enneagram is a personality categorization system that one might compare to the somewhat better-known MBTI. However, in the words of excellent writing-advice YouTuber, Abbie Emmons:

MBTI shows us how we behave.

Enneagram shows us what we believe.

I will be referencing Abbie’s video Using The ENNEAGRAM To Write CONFLICTED CHARACTERS and her free Enneagram-cheatsheet, available in the description of the linked video. Whether it’s before you continue reading or after, if you’re interested in writing, I would highly recommend you check out her channel!

The Enneagram system has nine basic personality types that overlap and interact in really interesting ways. It is not a hard science, and it’s not a horoscope. Instead, it’s supposed to be “based on conventional wisdom and modern psychology.” All I can say is that with every set of characters I’ve tried it with, it works! Once you get the hang of it, it feels kind of like ~✰~magic~✰~!

Below, I will list Abbie’s simplified definitions of each of the personality types, in order:

Type 1: The Reformer

The Rational, Idealistic Type:

Principled, Purposeful, Self-Controlled, and Perfectionistic

Basic Fear: Of being corrupt/evil, defective

Basic Desire: To be good, to have integrity, to be balanced

Key Motivations: Want to be right, to strive higher and improve everything, to be consistent with their ideals, to justify themselves, to be beyond criticism so as not to be condemned by anyone.

Type 2: The Helper

The Caring, Interpersonal Type:

Generous, Demonstrative, People-Pleasing, and Possessive

Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved

Basic Desire: To feel loved

Key Motivations: Want to be loved, to express their feelings for others, to be needed and appreciated, to get others to respond to them, to vindicate their claims about themselves.

Type 3: The Achiever

The Success-Oriented, Pragmatic Type:

Adaptable, Excelling, Driven, and Image-Conscious

Basic Fear: Of being worthless

Basic Desire: To feel valuable and worthwhile

Key Motivations: Want to be affirmed, to distinguish themselves from others, to have attention, to be admired, and to impress others.

Type 4: The Individualist

The Sensitive, Introspective Type:

Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental

Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance

Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an identity)

Key Motivations: Want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, to attract a "rescuer."

Type 5: The Investigator

The Intense, Cerebral Type:

Perceptive, Innovative, Secretive, and Isolated

Basic Fear: Being useless, helpless, or incapable

Basic Desire: To be capable and competent

Key Motivations: Want to possess knowledge, to understand the environment, to have everything figured out as a way of defending the self from threats from the environment.

Type 6: The Loyalist

The Committed, Security-Oriented Type:

Engaging, Responsible, Anxious, and Suspicious

Basic Fear: Of being without support and guidance

Basic Desire: To have security and support

Key Motivations: Want to have security, to feel supported by others, to have certitude and reassurance, to test the attitudes of others toward them, to fight against anxiety and insecurity.

Type 7: The Enthusiast

The Busy, Variety-Seeking Type:

Spontaneous, Versatile, Acquisitive, and Scattered

Basic Fear: Of being deprived and in pain

Basic Desire: To be satisfied and content—to have their needs fulfilled

Key Motivations: Want to maintain their freedom and happiness, to avoid missing out on worthwhile experiences, to keep themselves excited and occupied, to avoid and discharge pain.

Type 8: The Challenger

The Powerful, Dominating Type:

Self-Confident, Decisive, Willful, and Confrontational

Basic Fear: Of being harmed or controlled by others

Basic Desire: To protect themselves (to be in control of their own life and destiny)

Key Motivations: Want to be self-reliant, to prove their strength and resist weakness, to be important in their world, to dominate the environment, and to stay in control of their situation.

Type 9: The Peacemaker

The Easygoing, Self-Effacing Type:

Receptive, Reassuring, Agreeable, and Complacent

Basic Fear: Of loss and separation

Basic Desire: To have inner stability, "peace of mind"

Key Motivations: Want to create harmony in their environment, to avoid conflicts and tension, to preserve things as they are, to resist whatever would upset or disturb them.

Now that you’ve seen all those, what do you think your favorite character is? In YuGiOh or anything else! It works great for original characters and even yourself and your loved ones.

The actual Character Profiles will be in coming post(s), but continue reading if you want me to explain more about how and why the Enneagram is a great personality typing system. #nonspon, or whatever.

The Enneagram Chart

Now, you could just go to the Enneagram Institute’s page on How the System Works, but below I’ll cut it down to only the parts I’m interested in and explain those in a way that helps me.

Unlike in astrology or MBTI, which are both more restrictive in different ways, the relative position of each type matters a bit on the Enneagram chart, because it can be used to visualize a lot of things about a person!

The Basic Chart

The Types are shown in a clockwise fashion with “1″ in the 1 o’clock position on an analog clock. The interior lines mean things, but I have trouble reading it without further delineation.

Centers of Response

Below are two small charts, displayed side-by-side. (If it’s too small, try right-click, open in new tab!)

The chart on the left shows the three “centers.” The “centers” indicate the first ‘processing language’ a person would use to respond to stimuli.

Type 8, Type 9, and Type 1 respond first based on instinct (primal, gut-feeling). If you want to go Freudian, this is from the id.

Type 2, Type 3, and Type 4 respond first based on feelings (social or personal desires, the heart). If you want to go Freudian, this is from the ego.

Type 5, Type 6, and Type 7 respond first based on thoughts (analytical rather than emotional, the head). If you want to go Freudian, this is from the superego.

Remember that, of course, every single type and person engages their instincts, their emotions, and their thoughts at different times and to different degrees, and some of these are learned or changed behaviors. This is about what their innate drive toward that would be.

Likewise, the same “centers” can also be used for the chart on the right. You will notice that all three of these are defined by what is typically considered a negative emotion. This is because this is about a person’s instinctive, not particularly conscious emotional response when they are backed into a corner and deprived of something that is core to the needs of their personality type.

Type 8, Type 9, and Type 1 tend to respond to a threat to their psychic well-being with anger/rage.

Type 2, Type 3, and Type 4 tend to respond to a threat to their psychic well-being with shame.

Type 5, Type 6, and Type 7 tend to respond to a threat to their psychic well-being with fear.

Stress vs. Growth

We all know that there are times when a person isn’t acting like themselves, for better or for worse. Usually, “You’re not acting like yourself,” means that a person is behaving badly. Of course, it’s way easier to withdraw and bristle and defend rather than growing in the midst of adversity. However, it is certainly possible to experience character growth in response to experiences, good and bad. Unlike a lot of other personality typing schemes, the Enneagram has a way to display and predict what stress and growth do to a person.

The Enneagram never suggests that any Type is an island unto itself. Every person contains multitudes, but a person’s Type is likely to remain relatively stable throughout their lives, once they have had a chance to develop any personality at all. This means that when a person is stressed or growing that they do not become the type they emulate. Rather, they are more highly expressing that aspects of their personality that reflect those drives and desires but in a way that is either fraught, sickly, or unwell (in the case of stress), or aspirational, flying-high, and incorporating the hard-lessons into who a person is going to be going forward (in the case of growth). The latter, especially, isn’t a sustainable mode, while a stressed person can become more entrenched in their bad habits and defensive coping mechanisms.

Stress

Note the white, directional arrows. Each number has an arrow point pointing to it and an arrow leading away from it. The point indicates that this is the stress manifestation for the Type at the origin of that arrow. The origin of each arrow indicates the Type being described.

Confused? Let me finally give you a YuGiOh example.

When I was trying to identify the Types of the characters, defining Marik was difficult, because he has a “Yami,” or Dark Side, which has its own personality and will but which is not its own separate soul or person than Marik himself. Rather, it’s a kind of fantasy/magic-assisted personality splintering where Yami Marik is a full manifestation of the negative traits Marik needed to embody to survive.

So, for reference:

When stressed, Type 1 behaves more like Type 4. 

When stressed, Type 2 behaves more like Type 8.

When stressed, Type 3 behaves more like Type 9.

When stressed, Type 4 behaves more like Type 2.

When stressed, Type 5 behaves more like Type 7.

When stressed, Type 6 behaves more like Type 3.

When stressed, Type 7 behaves more like Type 1.

When stressed, Type 8 behaves more like Type 5.

When stressed, Type 9 behaves more like Type 6.

Alternatively, you can use these sequences to follow the stress lines:

1-4-2-8-5-7-1

9-6-3-9

Growth

Think of the above-explanation in reverse.

The sequence:

1-7-5-8-2-4-1

9-3-6-9

As a Type 1 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 7.

As a Type 2 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 4.

As a Type 3 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 6.

As a Type 4 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 1.

As a Type 5 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 8.

As a Type 6 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 9.

As a Type 7 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 5.

As a Type 8 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 2.

As a Type 9 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 3.

Wings

The final thing to know about the Enneagram chart for my purposes is about wings. The wing of your personality traits accounts for the complementary and contradictory aspects of your personality. They are the inconsistencies that make you human, predicted and jumped in. Typically, a person is not thought to have both possible wings but one or the other. A wing is one of the two adjacent Types to yours, the number before, or the number after, and it is annotated, for example:

Type 1, Wing 2: 1w2

Type 1, Wing 9: 1w9

Link to Part 2 Here!

[iamnightduchess]

Reiner & Mikasa: A Retrospective Pt.2

“The Shield of Marley & The Blade of Paradis”

Why ReiKasa is a (BR)OTP ship that’s worth more than a fleeting glance

[*caution: a continuation of a long reflective post with the sole intention to share a fan’s perspective through available representation through manga, anime, exhibition & etc. This post is not to convince nor argue where is its place in canon, but only to explore the vast possibilities of these two amazing characters that I love. In the end, if the series ends with Mikasa alive & ending by herself or with X character, then it means Isayama believes that X character is the one she’ll find that eventual happiness with and I’m all for that. Same goes with Reiner :)] Special thanks to @berumika​ for sharing some of the additional points that are included in this post. Years down the line after SnK ended, I’d love to have a post I can revisit of these two amazing characters & the possibilities that could have been from time to time. I’m having absolute fun in observing how much both of these characters have grown since the series debuted in 2010.

Pt. 1 available here. Warning: Image heavy, potential spoilers.

When I first got to know SnK/AoT, it was through the anime first before manga. Bad idea for me. My initial perspectives of Mikasa & Reiner were skewed and that was later rectified as I navigated the original source directly. Eren is the first protagonist that was introduced by the series creator but I was drawn to Mikasa & Reiner when I started the manga after Season 1 ended. 

Trainees

These top two trainees of the 104th batch are closely matched to each other in ranking. We don’t see them interact directly in the anime, but in the early panels of the manga, Reiner could be seen sitting down with Eren, Mikasa & Armin during mealtimes.

Sure, Mikasa can be expected to not converse with Reiner directly, but if her two childhood friends have their good friend sitting together for meals, at the very least we can expect them to have some brownie points in socialization.

Apart from being total gorgeous hotties, they’re both physically strong people, with Reiner always being second to Mikasa in terms of brute strength. Total muscle pairing and I could see them being at par with each other during physical drills. Reiner & Mikasa could go all out, even beyond 100% and the other would be physically capable to take/receive the force. Shadis would’ve tasked them to lead the physical trainings from time to time. They have been sparring partners, evident from the moment Mikasa threw Reiner across the field into Eren who’s sparring with Annie. Their fitness regime would be in-sync with each other. I could see them having mad respect for each other and secretly admire the other person’s prowess and skill. 

Connection through Eren

As highlighted primarily in Pt.1, Eren has been shown to look up or aspire to be high achievers like Reiner and Mikasa both. He wanted to be as strong as the two of them. The odds of the very same people he look up to, as the two individuals who would be able to stop him, I would suspect as very high at this point.

When they were younger, Reiner has always been the one that’s pulled Eren up when he’s down, nearly giving up & at the lowest points of his life. He was also the one who convinced Eren to ‘keep on moving forward’, which we’ll learn later was one of the most ironic moments that Reiner recalled as he feels responsible for everything that begun, which also pushed his guilt inside him to his near-suicide attempt.

Survey Corps

Reveal on Wall Rose

Mikasa, was one of the few junior SC members who were called in for the secret meeting with the unit’s top brass the night before the reveal. She was made aware of Reiner & Bertolt’s possible identity as the enemy after she assisted with apprehending Annie in Wall Sina. While Reiner was talking to Eren, Mikasa could be seen being highly agitated, hands shaking as she waited with unease breath for Reiner & Bertolt to make their move.

She was later seen questioning her hesitance on delivering the killing blow or at least enough to incapacitate them. Mikasa called Reiner & Bertolt “the plague of humanity” in anger and absolute disappointment. They were still her friends that she knew for three years & it had been difficult for her to kill them.

Thunder Spears Training

Mikasa could be seen reflecting in a combination of unease, sadness & regret as she recalled back the moment she was unable to break Reiner’s armor with her blades.

Return to Shinganshina

Mikasa was the one who crippled the Armored’s legs. She wasn’t as emotional as Connie, Jean & Sasha but there was a deep, painful rumination on her part the moment they assumed that Reiner was dead dead. She was also the one who noticed the sudden move from Reiner’s Armored Titan. In the anime, she could be seen angry & frustrated at Reiner’s refusal to confess that she pulled too hard on the bandage in her hands while she was helping Jean with his injuries.

Time-Skip (Current)

Reiner’s reminiscence & nightmares

Reiner’s reminiscence of Mikasa was indirect, but he highlighted her (and Armin’s) fierce, unwavering loyalty towards Eren. He had recurring nightmares of her & Levi that are the symptoms of his PTSD. The anime specifically used her shot to highlight the last image of her that he saw: anger.

Assault in Liberio

You could see the existing disappointment on her face when Reiner’s partially transformed Titan appeared, having to cross paths again in such a way after four years. She could’ve intervened the way she did with Galliard’s Jaw but she didn’t. Eren said Reiner’s out of any energy left to retaliate and Mikasa didn’t disagree. At this point, Mikasa is already affected by Eren’s actions in murdering the women & children inside the building that he shifted in and the destruction they all left behind.

Connection through Gabi

Reiner’s young cousin reminded Armin & Mikasa of a young Eren. The difference is that, Gabi had an early opportunity to be saved through the compassion showed by Mikasa and Sasha’s beloved family. The very same people who had every right to be sad, grieving and taking out their anger on the child who gunned down their beloved friend & daughter.

Mikasa doesn’t verbally express her emotions but it can be shown through her body language & facial expressions. I love seeing the tender way she pressed Gabi’s head onto her shoulder as protection and a symbolism of safety. It was a bit sad that this ‘bond’ was short-lived but what an amazing connection it would’ve been if Mikasa & Gabi had been given more space to develop their bond in canon.

Concern for Reiner & Annie

Usually when Mikasa verbally expresses something, it is usually important/significant to her. In ch.124, she could be seen asking Gabi about Reiner’s location. Why? It’s because she is concerned for Reiner’s safety. If his Armors were undone, he was vulnerable and with pure Titans and the Colossal Titans walking around, he would be in danger.

“We need to help Reiner & Annie.” She was heavily concerned with Reiner and Annie’s lives at the docks. But this moment is more important for Connie as a callback to the moment when Annie & Reiner both had saved Connie when they were trainees.

Adjacent Manga/Official Art Paneling(s)

In the current final arc of the manga, (several panels have been highlighted in Pt.1) it’s quite interesting to note that Mikasa & Reiner’s characters/panelings have been drawn adjacent to each other. I could also see the way Armin, Reiner & Mikasa (ARM) are getting primary focus by Isayama in this final arc.

Others (Misc./Semi-canon)

Cool-faced Cookie (Attack on Titan Game)

When Reiner suggested the player to do a melee practice with two other sparring partners, he immediately spotted Mikasa & Historia. It’s very interesting to note that Reiner’s nickname for Mikasa is “Cool-faced cookie” as he hinted the player to ask Mikasa for an impromptu practice.

The blink and miss furtive glance(s)

In Lost Girls OVA’s ED by WIT, a screenshot of the primary 104th walking together could be seen. Mikasa could be seen sneaking a glance at Reiner.

In a scene during the fresh SC recruits discussing intensely about Eren’s role as humanity’s hope, Reiner could be seen glancing silently with concern for Mikasa, as Jean questions her vouch of confidence in Eren’s abilities.

In Snk OVA#3, Mikasa is grouped with Reiner for the excursion and they could be seen having good teamwork together. When Mikasa’s ‘sixth senses’ are triggered due to Eren being in danger, Reiner could be seen looking at her direction immediately as if sensing her distress. 

Characteristics & Zodiac Signs

Amazing/Compassionate with children

Known as the Shield of Marley, Reiner’s a caring keeper, a natural leader and a provider who’s naturally amazing with children. Everyone looks up to him. Would’ve made a good family man if the circumstances were different. Based on his characteristics & physical attribute, he reminds me of Mikasa’s father below, no matter how short-lived he was. I could see her admiring that side of him even if it wasn’t mentioned directly. They are both loving, selfless, protective towards their child/ward.

Mikasa, true to her name, an Ackerman, a genetically-enhanced super soldier/warrior of Paradis that wields their blades with the highest efficiency. Though she might not seem as natural with children, did come from a healthy & loving upbringing with her parents for nine years. Her real persona as a child pre-awakening is a curious, thoughtful and actually a warm-hearted girl. Post-awakening characteristics could also be contributed from the traumas imposed by the murder of her parents, the fall of Wall Maria, the death of Carla & having to shoulder the immediate responsibility as Eren’s new ‘guardian’/caregiver/problem-solver/mess-cleaner.

She shown her compassion towards Gabi, which in turn had proved to the little girl how there are good-hearted, forgiving people in the Island. Mikasa could be observed as being heavily concerned with Falco as she questioned Jean about the young  boy. One could see the anger on her face when she saw Connie took off and abducted Falco to be fed to his mom. She drew the line in harming children even if they’re trained enemy soldiers.

Aquarius & Leo’s Compatibility

Reiner’s a Leo and Mikasa’s an Aquarius. Their characteristics are too coincidental to their respective astrological signs to be disregarded completely.

He’s an extrovert (Ref: younger!Reiner. Older Reiner too but his PTSD’s and maturity have taken over his more outgoing personality) that compliments her introvert personality yet they both have their inner demons to deal with and could somehow understand that about each other. He’s a ray of sunshine that could enlighten her melancholic personality. Yet their dominant personalities, although might be clashing at first, eventually would lead them to respect the other’s perspective. This would ring true when they were younger. Currently they have grown older, wiser and more understanding of the other.

At the current Final Arc, this has been highlighted in Part 1, recent chapters have shown older Reiner and Mikasa’s unspoken respect and understanding for each other. The current Reiner’s natural leadership as a born Leo is very apparent. Reiner was being very mindful of her feelings as Eren is a very sensitive subject & Mikasa took in Reiner’s words with serious consideration. 

It would be great to see more of their combined synergy as Reiner & Mikasa’s teamwork could be seen once again in ch.135. Aquarius & Leo would take turns to take a back seat while letting the other leads.

They are actually very physically and sensually compatible with each other & could potentially be an unstoppable force if they were to fight for the same side. At the moment, I’m hoping to see this potentially deadly combination once again in ch.136 onwards. They could’ve overtaken Eren’s Founding Form is it wasn’t for OG!Ymir’s one-sided overkill powers. To the real God who created the parasite worm, please take powers away frpm this uncontrollable grandma in a little girl’s body.

More of Mikasa’s Aquarius & Reiner’s Leo Compatibility Meter with description below:

Since this is SnK and not Berserk/Tokyo Ghoul/insert other josei manga titles, no one’s having sex directly haha In an ideal world, Reiner & Mikasa’s physical attractions for each other will almost be off the charts. “When they find true emotion, Aquarius might actually end up respecting the king”. In current arc, this can be observed. She respects Reiner & his words.

The above describes both Mikasa and Reiner respectively. Mikasa does not reach for heroism directly but it can be seen indirectly from the way she had inspired a child Louise through her bravery, protecting Gabi and rescuing/protecting the Azumabito Service crew from the Jeagerists. Reiner has always been born to be a hero, regardless of the circumstances of his conception or birth.

“If they end up fighting for the same cause, they could turn down entire governments and use their incredible force to change anything in the world.”

Even oppressive, destructive supernatural, God-like powers? Ymir & Eren, better be prepared. 

 “To get there, these two would have to stop the battle they have with each other.” Check and Check.

“Leo -- has the ability to give clarity to any situation.” Ch.133. That was not Reiner projecting. He’s always been Eren’s counterpart. He’s telling the readers that there’s a part of Eren out there that still wants to be stopped since he has surrender his will to Ymir. She took his words into serious consideration and in Paths, voices out to Eren on his sins and burden.

“Leo is exactly what Aquarius needs to find love. -- to liberate and shine as if they have been searching for one another for many lifetimes.” In an ideal world or in my gazillion AUs: Reiner and Mikasa could be soulmates.

This could ring true for the younger Reiner & Mikasa.

Reiner and Mikasa both are indeed strong, selfless individuals in each other’s eyes. This can be observed in Ch.133 & 135. Reiner feared her but respect her strength & feelings when it relates to Eren nevertheless. Even Reiner was taken aback by Pieck’s ultimatum in blowing the Founder’s neck, although Armin had suggested the same thing the night before.

“Just like the Sun and the lightning don’t go together, Aquarius should take over on a rainy day, in a depressive crowd or in places where they both feel as if they would drown. This is where Leo needs to give in and let their partner rule the sky--”  It wasn’t a rainy day or depressive crowd in ch. 135, it was a chaotic shitstorm and they were all not drowning but dying. Period. Our dear Mikasa took charge like a BAMF Queen that she is. She was putting her life on the line to protect the four injured men behind them. She aimed to buy them more time if she could as everyone expected it to be the end. As highlighted in Pt.1, you could see the helplessness on Reiner’s face when he saw Mikasa’s breaking point.

Reference : http://www.astrology-zodiac-signs.com/compatibility/aquarius-leo/

Final Exhibition

The Final Exhibition highlights the Last Stand: the direct final confrontation between The Founding/Attack against The Armored, with Mikasa being in the middle of the confrontation, tipping the scales of the outcome. Before, she assisted Eren against Reiner. Currently, she is working with Reiner to stop Eren.

Trio(s) Parallel

An interesting panel from ch.97:

EMA & RBA have always been lauded as the main trio of their respective sides. We have seen Armin taking over Bertolt’s powers & is potentially promised a future with the girl that Bertolt had feelings for. Recognize the probable pattern?

Guy from trio 1 ate Guy from trio 2′s Titan & is promised a potential future with the girl he cares for/have feelings for/close with from the trio.

Only one between between Eren & Reiner will remain. What if the story begins with Eren but will end with Reiner all along?

SnK HighSchool AU / Breakfast Club X-over

In the movie, the Jock (Quarterback!Reiner) ends up with the Rebel (Goth!Mikasa). He looks past her eccentricity & see her for who she is. This is a fun crossover by Isayama but very interesting to see Armin, Mikasa & Reiner work together to save Eren in the fake previews.

Whether the combined strength and perseverance of the Blade of Paradis & the Shield of Marley be enough to save the world from total annihilation? It remains to be seen very, very soon.

No matter how the series ends, whether both Reiner and Mikasa survive or not, I’ll be looking back in pride upon seeing their journey, growth & dynamics as either individual or together in this beautiful series by Hajime Isayama’s brilliant mind. Because of him, these two characters inspired his readers, myself included, to be brave and fight for what they truly believe in: humanity & its continuation. It has been an incredible ride and I will continue to enjoy writing for this OTP/BROTP, that I’ve fell so deeply in love with and their vast possibilities.

[iwach4n]

Reminisce (Iwaizumi x fem!Reader)

This is incredibly self indulgent but by god i want to marry Iwa. I want to marry him so bad.

・・・・☆・・・・☆ ・・・・

warnings: mild swearing

word count: 1889

read time: 7 minutes

11:30am was not a particularly early time to wake up, but considering that you had returned to the hotel room at 3:00 after hours apon hours of drinking, dancing and chatting with friends and family, it was actually quite impressive. You looked and felt a mess, with sweat remaining from the shower you had been too tired to take, hair sticking out in every direction and remnants of makeup, sloppily removed in early hours of the morning, smudged around your face. And yet, Iwaizumi was still looking at you like you were the most amazing thing on Earth.

"What?" you laughed, shifting closer to him under the covers.

"Just looking at my beautiful wife," he responded, with an expression so lovestruck it made you giggle more.

"I'm never going to get used to that."

It was his turn to laugh, pulling you closer against his bare chest, "You better, Mrs Iwaizumi, because I'm going to keep saying it."

You smiled with an expression mirroring his own. In the five years you had been together, you never got tired of mornings like these. Waking up in his arms, taking in every detail of his face, memorising exactly how his body felt pressed against yours. And now you were married. There was nothing better in the world.

"What did I do to get so lucky?" he mused, making you shove him half-heartedly with a laugh.

"Save the compliments for when I don't look like shit."

His arms didn't relent, wrapping around you and pulling you ontop of him. A soft kiss was pressed to your lips.

"I'm not kidding. If someone had told me seven years ago that I'd get to marry you, I'd be overjoyed, and also never believe them," Iwa said, before catching himself on his words.

"Seven years ago? You mean like first year?" you asked, a hint of amusement in your voice as you rested your chin on his chest. He groaned a little in embarrassment.

"Okay, so I may have lied when I said I started liking you at the start of third year."

You couldn't help but start laughing for real now.

"We didn't even talk in first year!"

"I know, but I was sixteen! What was I supposed to do, not fall for the cute girl who helped me with my English homework?" he defended as you rolled off him in your laughter, finding his reaction funnier than the actual situation.

"You're so adorable," you said, pecking him on the lips and giggling at his red face.

"Asking you for help with that English was probably the best decision of my life." His hand found its way to yours under the covers, calloused fingers intertwining with your soft ones.

"I can't believe that's actually what got you," your laughs were softer now. At the start of your relationship, you had been a little insecure as to whether Hajime liked you as much as he said he did, but you'd grown past that now. Though you sometimes wondered quite what he saw in you, you knew he wasn't lying about anything.

"You were pretty and nice to me and you told Oikawa to fuck off. At the time, that was like, my dream woman."

A snort escaped from your mouth as you nestled into the crook of his arm, tracing patterns along his chest.

"I think the moment I really fell for you was when I first saw you play in a match," you mused, remembering being dragged to watch with your friends in second year and not regretting it one bit. Your husband gave a small hum of encouragement, as if telling you to continue, so you did.

"I mean, I thought you were hot and cool and whatever before, but on court, you were just so... driven. You kept pushing for one more point," you said, eyes glued to your finger as it wove its way through invisible paths along his torso, "it was like a whole new side of you."

As you spoke, he had buried his face in your hair, and you felt him smile against your scalp.

"Honestly, that's the only way you would've fallen for me. I'd have been much more awkward if I'd known you were watching."

"Looking back, you were so awkward," you recalled, thinking back to your highschool days, "but at the time, I just thought you hated me or something."

"For real?" It was his turn to rumble in laughter.

"You were always avoiding me!" you said in defence, pouting at his growing laughs.

"I'm sorry for making you think that," he said, unable to keep the grin off his face, "you were so ridiculously pretty that I got nervous. And it's only gotten better from there."

"Someone's sappy today," you giggled as he rolled over, hovering over you. He only hummed in response, planting a sweet kiss on your lips, "but seeing as we're remembering the old times, remember when you first asked me out?"

These words were enough to make him groan and collapse off of you, arm going up to cover his reddening face.

"I wish I didn't. Most embarrassing moment of my life."

"I think I need to refresh your memory," you managed through giggles.

"No!" he groaned, "you do not."

"Oh, I'm going to."

Hajime always got embarrassed when you brought up how he asked you out on your first date because it was a prime example of how awkward he'd been at the start of your relationship. You still remembered it vividly, and his reaction to you telling the story was almost as cute as the image in your head, so you would remind him every chance you got.

"Can we talk about the proposal instead? I was a lot cooler with that one."

You ignored his pleas, beginning your narration, "Imagine it-"

"You told this like fifty times yesterday. Stop," he was laughing too, despite being bashful.

"This isn't just what I told yesterday. This is the unabridged version, just for you," you said, and he finally gave up on arguing with a sigh, "imagine it; the last week of third year, and it was coming to the end of a maths lesson - a class I didn't share with the hero of our story. In my head, I was thinking about the lovely ace, who is currently looking at me like if someone was to shoot him, he wouldn't complain, but that his dying wish would be for me to shut up. I was wondering if I should make a move on him."

Iwaizumi's face turns from one of annoyance to curiosity - he hasn't heard this part of the story. You'd never really told him what went through your head that day. Noticing his change of expression, you decided to expand on that train of thought.

"You see, there was only a week left. After that, I might not get the chance. I might never see him again - at least, this is what I thought, as I didn't know that we were both going to the same university the next year. Part of me thought that it was now or never, but I decided on never. He was cool and popular and always seemed confident. If he liked me, I thought, he would make a move himself. This thought crossed my mind as I began to pack my things, and then, as if on cue-"

Iwaizumi's arm returned to covering his face. This was his least favourite part of the story.

"My knight in shining armour burst in, having been let out of his class early, and shouted, in front of the whole class, '(Y/N), I really like you, and have for a while! Please go on a date with me!'"

Your husband let out a long groan at this, the embarrassment still fresh despite it having been five years. Usually, this is where you stopped. It was pretty much the end of the story. But you continued.

"Naturally, I agreed. But, as if things weren't already awkward enough, our good old friend Oikawa decided to pipe up from behind you-"

"Oh my god," Hajime interrupted momentarily, "I forgot about this bit."

"And the somewhat sweet confession was finished off with the lovely note of 'Woo! They're finally gonna bone!'. The end."

It appeared the little addition shook Iwa out of the annoyed mood the story usually put him in, because he uncovered his face and laughed reminiscently.

"We both got detention for that," he chuckled, pulling you back into his chest.

"Was it worth it?" you asked, knowing the answer but wanting to hear it anyway.

"Take a look around. We're married. Of course it was worth it," what was probably the hundreth kiss of the day was placed on your forehead, "I'd sit through a million detentions to keep you with me."

"Good thing you don't have to. I don't think I'd be able to go a million hours without you," you said, beginning to fiddle with his hair, "can I try and plait your hair?"

"No," was the short answer, "we're gonna talk about that first date I asked you on."

"Why?" you asked, cocking your head as your fingers left his hair. The date had been nice, but other than the fact it was your first with your now husband, there had been nothing particularly special about it.

"Don't think I've forgotten about when you tried to say you were hungry and instead said horny, and were so shocked by the fact that your mouth did that that you spilt your drink all over both of us."

"Oh my god, even I forgot about that."

"I'm gonna give you a dramatic narration."

"No!"

The rest of the morning and early afternoon was taken up like this - reminiscing about notable moments in your relationship. Everything from your first kiss, which had turned an uneventful 'date' of running errands together into a special one, to your first 'I love you's, which had slipped out on a late night call. Each of you gave vivid retellings of meeting the other's parents for the first time, which had gone swimmingly for Hajime, but had been incredibly awkward for you until his father made some comment about thinking his son was gay until then because of the amount of time he spent with Oikawa. That really broke the ice between you, but it put Iwaizumi into an adorably disagreeable mood for the rest of the night. Iwa finally got to talk about the proposal, which you had to admit had been very romantic, and then you talked about the wedding the night before.

Eventually, you moved on from the past and talked about the future. Where to go for your honeymoon, where you'd like to settle down one day, how many kids you'd like and when. You decided you'd move to the outskirts of Tokyo, and start a family in your late twenties. You settled on two kids, but maybe a third a little later on. And then, when you retired, you'd move to the Okinawa prefecture and live by the beach. By the time you got hungry enough to need to get up, you felt like your entire life was planned.

You couldn't wait to make it real and have more things to reminisce about.

[sea-side-scribbles]

Fanfiction: Sympathy For A Downer

Link:https://archiveofourown.org/works/22737214/chapters/80966515

Chapter 72

The Annual Victory Memorial Day neared. Nick worked hard to prepare his show while he was happy to leave all the annoying paperwork to James. He found that they both worked very good together. In fact, it all went so smoothly that he didn't have to worry about anything but the show. His band was also good to handle, since they usually didn't disagree with Nick's plans. Birdie again was there to give creative contradiction. Still, Nick's excitement grew. Also the band knew how important the Memorial Day was. The evening right before the great event, James asked Nick to come into his office. Nick complied with it, looking at his manager with anticipation.

“How are you doing?”, James asked him warmly. “Great, just great”, Nick said eagerly. “I feel like I'm in peek form.” “That's good to hear”, the other man answered. “Why, are you worried?”, Nick teased him. James' mouth corners twitched. “I'm always worried about you.” “Aww, James”, Nick waved him off. “Nothing to worry this time. Relax a bit and enjoy the party. You deserve a rest anyway.” He didn't bring up that he was a little anxious himself. “I guess you're right”, James admitted. “You look in good shape, I'm really proud of you.” Nick grinned widely at that. “Is there more you want to tell me?” “Actually, yes.” James began to wriggle about on his chair. “Hmm...I've got something for you. A gift.” “A gift?”, Nick repeated. “It's for your show...if you want it.” “James, you didn't have to!” The other man held up his hands. “Ah, don't thank me too soon. I don't know if you like it. You can be honest with me...” Then he produced a package from under his desk and placed it in front of him.

Nick stared at the surprise, darted a glance at James and then put his hands on it. After opening the box he continued to stare. This time it was his gift that made him speechless, with a half-open mouth. “I made sure it's your size, Nick. Still, it's up to you if you make it your style.” Nick reached into the box and picked up a neat silver mask, similar to the one James was wearing. Nick's gaze also wandered along the suit that still lay in the box. It's black fabric shimmered a little in the lamplight. Then he stopped, eyes widening, fixed on a certain spot. He breathed a silent gasp. Also Jack tensed. Nick put the mask on the desk and reached into the box once more. His fingers curled around cold metal as he lifted up a little scalpel. The silence remained. Nick turned the tool in his hands, noticing the neat ornament decorating the silver handle. Then he tested how it lay in his hand. “It's...beautiful”, he sighed. The two men locked gazes and their expressions told each other how inseparable they were.

The town was harder to take than usual, even though most of the holms were just about empty. The few unlucky Bobbies that were chosen for duty today walked their patrols, and either they did their job rather halfheartedly, or they kept meeting each other for long chats, seemingly out of accident. Still, Arthur needed to take care, since there were barely any Wellies left on the streets. Everyone who was still there looked suspicious. And if not suspicious, they were still very easy to be found and to be interrogated. Arthur didn't look forward to that at all. He was angry at himself anyway, for wasting so much of his precious time. Escaping the town wasn't easy even with the Letter of Transit. He had learned that the hard way since many obstacles he had never imagined suddenly stood in his way.

Nothing worked in here! Not only the people were wrecks, all the machines and their administration were too. They created actually the best protection line against skippers the town could have. And then Arthur even ran into this fucking festival! Now, the Parade District was crowded with Wellies. It was almost imporssible to cross it unseen, especially without taking Joy. He had to take a few pills here and there in order to not get slaughtered. And then he needed to focus deeply, so that the drug and the overly excited people couldn't cause him to celebrate with them and forget his mission. Even if the Bobbies didn't pay much attention, the Wellies did, and Arthur didn't fancy antagonizing this gigantic crowd.

He had only noticed the festival when it was too late. He had waken up in his house in the Parade to see the street being filled with people as an actual parade came through. Everyone was wearing white and brown, the color that announced the new flavour of Joy, coconut. He later found out that the whole town was decorated in these colors. Arthur was sure he had to escape before the new Joy turned everyone into monsters. He didn't believe that this stuff did any good, not after what he had seen in the Labs.

It was impossible to buy anything in the Parade since the shops were closed and when he wanted to cross the bridge to the other holms he caused suspicion. Why on earth would any decent person want to leave the glorious Parade District today? This problem could only be solved by force, and after doing that a couple of times he was sick of that too. His only hope was that especially today, nobody would take much care about the Britannia Bridge. If he even got there, that was, because the passage to there was locked. It was well protected by it's own technical defects. Gloomily, he pushed himself forward, squeezing through the slaphappy masses for the umpteenth time. With resentment he noticed that he couldn't stop thinking about a certain item on the Memorial Day's programme. He had seen it on a wallpaper. In fact, the town had been plastered with wallpapers about it so that he had been unable to protect himself against the information. And however much he tried to convince himself that he would be on the Britannia Bridge at that time, a part of him just didn't want to believe it. The more time he wasted by walking back and forth to solve problems, the more unrealistic this goal became anyway.

Eventually he became tired, sloppy even, and caused a horde of Criers to shout after him, alarming the whole street. He ran like hell to save his life and barricaded himself in his house until the coast was clear again. After that incident, it was already evening. Great!, he thought and exhaled, going outside again. His feet went to a certain place all by themselves, even though he tried to resist. His head argued. He didn't even want to see him! His concerts had always been trouble, they had never been fun, why would he go there? And still he couldn't help it, while his nerves began to flutter. What did he even expect to see, he asked himself. Grief? Dark rings under his eyes from crying all night? The worst performance he ever gave? The saddest ballad and begging for forgiveness in public? It was all ridiculous! But he finally stood in the masses before the stage and waited for the biggest show of the day, just like everyone else.

Jack enjoyed the show, just like Nick had asked him to. His protégé had been right, there was nothing to worry about. It was a rather entertaining spectacle, seeing all these people celebrating their own demise, their descent into insanity. The whole Memorial Day was a farce and had no use but to waste even more of Wellington Well's precious and rare resources. But he felt no pity for them. He enjoyed to be in the thick of it and to be the only one who knew what was really going on. Of course, as Uncle Jack, he went along with it, giving his confident smile. He was wearing the same white and brown suit that was prescribed for the day, to celebrate the beginning of a new era. He liked how it made Nick stand out of everything. Uncle Jack had the honour to lead the Wellies through the programme. The people craved seeing him in the flesh. It had it's advantages, being the most popular man in town. He enjoyed to announce his ally Nick Lightbearer, making everyone cheer and shout.

He had to admit that him and Birdie were a smashing sight indeed. It worked, at least for today. But Jack knew that their harmonic coexistence wouldn't last much longer. He was looking forward to  test Nick's abilities once again. Today, they would take the last step to seal their friendship and nobody would stand in-between them. Finally, he would share everything he with Nick and they would become the two most powerful men in Wellington Wells. Both popular and infamous, they would decided upon the town's fate. Content with himself, he watched the fans dance and shout in ecstasy. All of Nick's scandals seemed to be forgotten. Good Wellies, he thought, they always did what he wanted. He didn't even need to use violence. They were so predictable. Also, if Uncle Jack said it was a wonderful day, they believed it without any doubts. For a moment, his expression became obviously gloating.

Suddenly his smile faded and he stared at a spot in the masses, surprised and alarmed at once. For a moment, he sensed betrayal, then he calmed down again, seeing the facial expression of the other man.

What Arthur saw made his hair stand on end. The man in a black suit and the silver mask – was that really Nick? That outfit didn't match him at all! What a weird new image was that? He looked downright eerie. The Wellies didn't notice it of course. Perhaps even Nick wasn't aware of what he looked like. Still, Arthur couldn't ignore the bad feeling he had. It was similar to what he had felt when he had found Nick's jacket full of blood stains. Don't be stupid, he scolded himself. It's only an outfit! And why do you even care? The worst aspect of the show wasn't even Nick's outfit. Arthur couldn't believe who stood by his side. That intrusive blonde bombshell that they had seen in the Avalon hotel, the one with the unbearably flattering smile, yeah no one else but her was allowed to be by his side, sharing the show. Her hair wasn't even natural, how could Nick fall for that? And the way he looked at her! Arthur's stomach turned.

So much for grief, he concluded bitterly. Nick Lightbearer forgot him already. He simply snatched on of his many worshippers and moved on. It didn't harm his career at all, if anything, he was even more popular than he had been before. Seeing him like this felt downright disgusting. Arthur caught himself wishing he could get the old Nick back, the one who's career was over, the one who needed help and clung to Arthur. Then Arthur wouldn't advise him to try again. He'd keep him, escape with him and... Arthur's train of wishes stopped when Nick took Birdie's hand and started to dance with her. He took her by the hips and lifted her up. She obviously enjoyed it, beaming at the rockstar. That moment, Arthur's heart broke. He was sure he deserved it for being stupid enough to come here, to expect anyone to miss him. But the way Nick had cried after him... There had been something in his voice that Arthur couldn't escape ever since. But now he  blinked and his face burned. That had been their dance. It had been a dream. He turned away from the scene and squeezed himself through the crowd again, eager to get as far away as possible.

So, you don't want to leave, Arthur Hastings?, Jack thought to himself. You don't want to let go? Well, I can help you with that... Jack left his post unseen. Actually, he hadn't intended to harm the Downer. The fate of his brother moved him. Also, Arthur had been one of the very few Wellies that managed to escape their self-made cage and tried to make amends. Jack hadn't planned to stop him. The Downer had made the right decision by leaving Nick to him. But it looked like Arthur wasn't quite convinced of his mission. What a shame, Jack thought. He had had a chance and didn't use it. Jack wouldn't allow him to interfere once more.

[shimzus-a]

ok i’m ... only going to talk about my unpopular opinions in regard to kiyoko’s character & her portrayal. i disagree about more things than that, but i’m not trying to overstep my bounds into other people’s portrayals or the way that furudate decided to write hq.

i don’t ship kiyoyachi. i honestly can’t see them as anything more than platonic friends / best friends. kiyoko hasn’t really given any indication of her being interested in dating in the manga, nor has yachi, & their differences in personality & age make me prefer to see them as just friends. more than anything, i think yachi is someone that kiyoko is grateful to have as a friend. furudate has said that kiyoko struggles with her words / communication a lot, which means that kiyoko’s ability to talk to yachi as another girl on an all-boys team, as a senior passing the torch to the future team, & as a simple friend is something she greatly cherishes. he’s also said that he added yachi as a character who “doesn’t overlap with kiyoko-san at all,” further stressing their differences. i think they blend a lot better as friends than they do as partners, & i prefer them to just be platonic. 

kiyoko isn’t rude to her own team, or rude period. she’s usually painted out to be cold & reserved, but it’s clear that she cares for her team. some people might be confused because of the distinction between concise speech & rudeness, but i think that kiyoko’s tendency to give short, simple responses sometimes leads to her being perceived as snippy or curt. but she’s been shown joking with her team ( in an off-brand sort of dark / unclear humor that sugawara also shows, sometimes ), high-fiving / patting them with distinct physical contact ( that a rude person might not ), & smiling around them. the only clear instance of her doing something that could be perceived as “rude” is that oikawa’s current concern lists her as having ignored him. but in contrast, she’s been confronted by terushima & whispered about / talked about by multiple other strangers or opposing players, but she never treats them poorly. she politely tries to excuse herself from terushima, or feigns ignorance / looks away from anyone she hears talking about her. most of the time, it’s tanaka & nishinoya who prevent her from coming in direct contact with boys who think she’s cute, so she’s never clearly “shut anyone down” in a rude way. 

in that same boat, she doesn’t HATE people who flirt with her. hate is such a strong word & i don’t like to use it to refer to her feelings, but sometimes i’ve seen kiyoko be portrayed as the type of person who coldly, meanly shuts people down when they flirt with her. there’s an extra illustration in which she’s wearing a sarashi ( chest wrap ), & oikawa, kuroo, & bokuto exclaim that they want to help promote the volume so they can see her in it. but she doesn’t shut them down for it -- she crosses her arms, blushes, & makes a sort of pout-like expression ( like she’s not pleased with it, but she can’t stop them ). i don’t know where the notion of her being this aggressive, icy “man-killer” came from, but i think her responses to flirtation are pretty normal. most often, tanaka & nishinoya will stop the advances, but if they don’t, she’ll be polite to excuse herself or she’ll pout & feel embarrassed / exasperated by it. she might also rebuke advances with short, dry answers, but this is usually directed towards people she knows well ( tanaka & nishinoya ), & not strangers who could perceive it as rude if they didn’t know her well.

[ speculation ] kiyoko isn’t rich. karasuno has been painted out to be a rural public high school with medium- to low-acceptance standards. kageyama couldn’t pass the written exams to enter shiratorizawa ( a private school ), & i believe aoba josai has also been confirmed to be a private school. furthermore, the facilities at karasuno point to it being a bit of a hodge-podge school -- the volleyball team doesn’t have a coach & they aren’t given a replacement, & the girls volleyball club has to share a gym with the basketball team. so, although this is just my speculation & not confirmed in any way, kiyoko is probably local & comes from a middle-class family, which would be common in suburban / rural miyagi. her out-of-school clothing in some official art suggests that she lives comfortably & can keep up with some fashion trends ( her teddy-esque type jacket in winter, small backpack at the shrine visit, two confirmed pairs of swimsuits, etc. ), but she’s clearly not loaded with money or from a high-class family. 

she’s not a highly intelligent character. she’s in class 3-2, one of the lower level classes ( not a college prep class ). some of her observations in haikyuu-bu ( though it’s technically a comedic spin-off ) suggest that she’s not highly intelligent in the way some other characters are. furudate also comments on her in the haikyuu guidebook, “i created her with the image of a ‘capable secretary’ in mind who does her work in a matter-of-fact manner. but that doesn’t mean she’s cool, in fact i draw her as being not very good with words.” i interpret this choice of wording of “cool” as also inclusive of “intelligent / clever.” i don’t think she’s unintelligent. i wrote a headcanon based on gardner’s multiple intelligences theory to explain that she’s more skilled in certain intelligences, & i plan on writing another headcanon about her intelligence later, but at least in terms of traditional book smarts, she’s not considered intelligent.

she’s not useless. this is an opinion i unfortunately see / hear a lot, & i think it’s rooted in the fact that kiyoko is a minor character, often seen as a block to certain ships, & because karasuno has two managers instead of one. i want to stress that because haikyuu is a sports manga, the majority of the on-page action is in volleyball matches, not the behind-the-scenes work of the managers. kiyoko is a minor character & accordingly doesn’t get much development or time on the page. but what we learn from hints in the manga is that she has essentially taught herself the rules of volleyball with minimal assistance from a senior manager ( since she was recruited in her first year & there was no manager there at the time ), that she is responsible for cooking, washing jerseys, & doing dishes ( from the ‘what if shimizu-san wasn’t the manager’ extra chapter ). sawamura also at one point remarks that she’s “got a lot of work on her hands” before the team plays at the interhigh tournament, which means that even the team captain recognizes her responsibilities & worth on the team. 

9/10 dentists characters have called her pretty. at one point i actually tried to make a list of all the characters who have in some way commented on her appearance or acted strangely around her because she was pretty. off the top of my head, i can list : hinata, yachi, tanaka, nishinoya, sawamura, sugawara, azumane, yahaba, kindaichi, oikawa, yamamoto, lev ( ? ), kuroo, bokuto, terushima, & bobata. unfortunately, furudate’s earlier art doesn’t do her beauty much justice in my opinion ( which is why i think this tends to be downplayed sometimes ), but she clearly has some testimonials to her appearance. 

she’s probably not close with any of the team outside of practice. during their new years shrine visit, the third years remark that it’s the first time they’ve ever all been to a shrine together. kiyoko also states at some point during that visit that she needs to get a gift for someone from class, which clarifies that she probably has friends outside of volleyball class ( in the same way that sawamura knows yui or ikejiri, or hinata knows friends from middle school ). furthermore, when she comes to visit hinata in the first year’s hallway, she gets a lot of comments from other students in shock, asking “who’s that pretty girl talking to hinata” / “hinata knows the hot third year ?” then when she calls hinata outside the school to come to the gym for his updated measurements, a student remarks “whoa, hinata knows that pretty third year !” this tells me that she probably doesn’t visit the first year’s hallway very often ( despite being friends with yachi ), & likely not the second year’s either. 

she’s not insecure about her beauty. her legs, yes, but not her face. i’ve seen some interpretations in fics of kiyoko somehow being embarrassed by her attractiveness, but clearly it doesn’t seem to bother her in the manga, even when she’s flirted with by other characters. she also doesn’t seem to look shy / hide when she wears her swimsuit in official art or puts her hair up in a different hairstyle. 

she has a sense of humor & she knows how to smile. i touched on this in like one sentence before, but she does have a sense of humor. it’s just not what you would expect from her -- it’s a bit dark ( such as when she grins when she scares yachi with the vocabulary term “kill block” ) & convoluted ( such as when she clearly goes against her actions by calling out “oikawa-san !!!” in the anime after ignoring him ). obviously, her humor doesn’t register with everyone, & is probably used at unusual / not obvious times, which means that it isn’t always read as humor. but she’s not some kind of humorless, cold robot girl. she just tends to dial back her reactions & behaviors in a more subdued way than other characters.

[justkindaoverhereobsessing]

you stumble, you soar (3/3)

What if Tony and Ziva had just a little more time in Paris during Jet Lag?

Part one is here and part two is here.

Happiest of birthdays to @why-did-you-just-lie-to-mcgee, and thank you one last time to @indestinatus for plotting assistance! This chapter is smutty, so ‘read more’ at your own risk.  ___________________

“There are only two places in the world where we can live happy: at home and in Paris.” 

— Ernest Hemingway

___________________

Sharing a bed is more comfortable, more natural the second night. Dancing and confiding have brought new closeness, and as the lights go off and the room falls into darkness, Ziva feels decidedly content. “Tony?” she murmurs.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. For listening, and for… for reminding me.”

“Of course. Reminding you of what, though?”

“Of what it means to let go.”

He finds her hand in the darkness and holds on tight.

___________________

In the wee hours of the morning, something wakes Tony from a deep sleep, and he blinks his eyes open, confused and groggy. He can’t place what woke him up, and it takes him a minute to figure out where he is—it’s the smell of Ziva’s hair that gives him the clue he needs to figure it out.

Ah, yes, Paris. 

Everything seems normal in the room, no bright lights or loud noises to tip him off as to what made him stir, so after a moment, Tony closes his eyes and starts chasing sleep again. Then he hears it…

A moan.

It’s obviously coming from Ziva, and he opens his eyes once more to glance at her. Afraid she’s having a nightmare—particularly because of what they talked about earlier—he debates on whether or not to wake her.

By the time his eyes have adjusted to the darkness, Ziva has let out another groan, and Tony squints at her face. Her features are contracted into an expression that disappears before Tony can identify it, but she doesn’t look too upset, at least. Her body seems relaxed under the covers. 

As soon as he has the thought, though, she starts shifting restlessly, and she makes another noise. Maybe it’s time to wake her up.

“Ziva?”

She responds by moaning again; this time, it’s his name.

Interesting. 

“Ziva?”

___________________

The bullpen has never seemed like a particularly sexy place, but it sure as hell is when Tony’s head is between Ziva’s legs. 

She’s behind her desk, one foot planted on the floor and the other draped over the arm of her chair. She rarely if ever wears a skirt to work, always ready to run at the drop of a cat, but she’s glad she did today. It gives Tony easy access—and he certainly isn’t complaining. In fact, he’s making hums of approval deep in his throat that make the strangest, most addictive vibrations across her clit as he sucks on it. 

“Mm, Tony,” she groans.

Good thing the office is empty besides the two of them. 

She can feel him smile and it does funny things to her insides. “What can I do for you, Agent David?” he purrs. 

“Harder. Fingers.” Her language skills have clearly deteriorated, and it doesn’t even occur to her that he shouldn’t understand the words she just uttered in Hebrew; it was all she could get out. It doesn’t matter, though—all that matters is that he follows her directions immediately. 

She hisses and spreads her legs further as he dips a finger and then two into her heat, even as his lips form a tighter seal and he increases the strength of his sucking.

Fuck.

This is almost agonizing, the way he’s touching her and finger-fucking her without bringing her quite to the edge she’s aching to reach, and to make matters worse, he keeps stopping what he’s doing to taunt her. “Someone could walk in,” he says, his voice rough—he’s obviously just as turned on as she is. “What do you think of that, Ziva?”

A fresh surge of wetness against his fingers answers his question, and he laughs throatily. “Naughty, Ms. David. You’re a dirty girl, aren’t you?”

She can’t even answer. 

Getting the hint, he puts his mouth right back where—in Ziva’s opinion—it belongs. She lets her head drop to the back of the chair, her eyes sliding shut in ecstasy. 

Then Tony’s talking again, and the tone of his voice is different somehow. “Ziva?”

She doesn’t answer. Whatever he wants can wait; frankly, she’s not interested in hearing it. 

“Ziva?”

“Mm. Tony.”

“Ziva? Ziva!” 

She feels a hand shake her shoulder, and she wakes with a start. 

___________________

Tony has tried several times to pull Ziva from whatever dream she’s having, but she won’t wake. Usually a very light sleeper, tonight she seems determined to hold onto the images her subconscious is providing. 

Finally, after several rounds of repeating her name with louder and louder volume, Tony finally grabs her shoulder and jiggles it lightly. It works, but within a half second, he’s been knocked onto his back on the mattress and there’s a knife to his throat.

This is more or less what he was expecting when he resigned himself to waking his partner. (Where the hell did she hide her knife, though? He watched her as they went to bed; he saw no sign of it.)

“It’s just me, Ziva. Wake up.”

The deep suspicion in Ziva’s expression fades at once, and she pulls the knife from his throat. She stays inches from Tony’s face, though, and she frowns at him. “Why did you wake me?” she demands. “I could have killed you.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t.” He’s distracted by the way her lips look in the dimness as they form her words. He remembers all too well from years ago how those lips feel against his own. “And you seemed like you were having a nightmare.”

This seems to frustrate Ziva more, because she leans closer to hiss at him. “I was not.”

“Geez, okay, sorry for waking you, then.” What’s he even saying anymore? All he wants is to kiss her; he can’t help the preoccupation. He is who he is. 

“Do not do it again.”

“I won’t.”

There’s a beat, and then she’s kissing him. Tony groans into it, enjoying the instant gratification of wish fulfillment. He lets himself be caught up in it for a moment, but he realizes after a long moment just how wrong this is, particularly when he feels Ziva’s fingers start to dance down his chest.

He pulls out of the kiss immediately, gasping for air. “Ziva, stop. Stop.”

She does, but she seems confused and frustrated. “Why?”

Tony dimly hears the knife thud to the floor on Ziva’s side of the bed; he hasn’t realized she was still holding it.

“Because this isn’t a good idea. You’re—you’re feeling vulnerable right now.”

“Do not presume to tell me how I am feeling.” There’s less annoyance in her tone, though, as she realizes that he’s simply trying—yet again—to take care of her. 

“Okay, sorry. I just mean that you’ve been through something traumatic, and maybe you’re just feeling—sorry, you’re just acting or whatever—you’re wanting closeness because you shared so much last night. I don’t want to take advantage of you.”

“Who kissed who, Tony?” She doesn’t move off of him, but she does lean away slightly. Not being able to feel her breath on his face helps Tony focus slightly, and he gives her a small smile.

“You kissed me. But it doesn’t mean I was right to kiss you back.”

“You worry about you, and I will worry about me.”

“I can’t just turn off the concern, Ziva. You’re important to me.”

The rest of Ziva’s frustration leaves her face, and she drops her forehead briefly to Tony’s chest. “You are important to me, too,” she answers softly. “But I know what I want.”

“And that’s me?”

“You cannot pretend we have not had… tension… since day one.”

“We have,” he agrees, hating his morals for making him argue with her. He really does want her. God, he’s never wanted something so badly in his life, it feels like, especially since she’s still partially on top of him, warm and sweet-smelling and very willing. “But I’m not sure now is the time.”

In answer, she lifts her head to kiss him again, less fiercely this time. “I disagree,” she whispers when she pulls away. “I think now is exactly the time. I am okay, Tony. I am. And I would not do this if I was not certain. I want… intimacy again, yes? I am ready.”

When she kisses him a third time, Tony has a hard time remembering why he stopped her in the first place, and he kisses her back lightly. “Are you sure? You can’t exactly take this back, Ziva?” he murmurs against her lips. 

“Yes.”

And he senses that she means it, so he stops arguing. Instead, he renews the kiss, trusting that she knows herself well enough to understand what she wants and needs, and having equal faith in her ability to stop them both if she changes her mind. 

Ziva responds, immediately and with great enthusiasm. Within very little time, she has climbed entirely on top of her partner, and they’re both groaning. “God, you’re loud, aren’t you?” Tony asks in breathless amusement when his hands find themselves on her breasts and she lets out a particularly loud moan.

“Shut up,” she orders him, and then she does something with her tongue to the underside of his jaw that has him nearly matching her volume. 

Clothes are shed, and while Tony half-expects Ziva to put a halt to their activities, she only seems to grow more fervent in her participation. He remembers her saying she prefers it on top—well, that certainly seems to be true. Maybe it’s just that she likes being the one in control. Whatever it is, he’s more than happy to let her have it. 

When Ziva produces a condom from somewhere and starts to put it on, he tries one more time to make sure that she really wants this. “Ziva, are you—”

“If you ask me one more time if I am sure, Tony, I will trade this condom for my knife.”

He gulps and shuts his mouth; she’s smiling to herself as she rolls the condom on, certainly seeming at peace for now. He won’t argue again.

When she positions herself and sinks down on him, Tony stupidly thinks that the City of Love is aptly named. When she briefly shifts her position, he thinks the City of Lights is even more appropriate, because he’s seeing stars. Then she starts to move, and all thought leaves his mind completely. 

Despite the somewhat fierce starts, Ziva moves slowly, languorously. The sex becomes sensual, overwhelmingly intimate, wordless but not emotionless. It’s been a long time in coming, and neither Tony nor Ziva misses that fact.

Ziva’s sharp mind logs details even in the throes of passion; soft sheets sliding across skin, her fingernails scraping through the smattering of hair on Tony’s chest, the way her toes curl underneath her involuntarily when Tony hits that spot, the surprisingly graceful curve of Tony’s throat as he throws his head back in a deep groan that borders on a growl.

She’ll remember this for a long time. So will he.

And when they finally come, it’s together.

Though they separate to get cleaned up, they fall asleep holding hands again.

___________________

In the morning, it’s back to business, picking up their witness and transporting her to the airport.

No one mentions anything from the last twenty-four hours. They don’t bring up the dancing, or Ziva’s confession, and they certainly don’t talk about the sex. There are little smiles, though, little glances.

Hints of something passed and something that’s maybe yet to come.

Of course, they both deny up and down that they shared a bed. That’s just a given.

But they know the truth, and neither has any regrets.

___________________

Ten years later, Tali skips ahead of her parents as they stroll down Pont Neuf. Tony and Ziva are still a little cautious around one another—Ziva has only been back for a week—but they’re determinedly pushing through it. They’re holding hands now, going back and forth between murmured conversations about nothing and watching their daughter as she joyously releases pent up energy. 

“This is where it all started, huh?”

“Where what started?” Ziva asks, but she’s smiling—she knows what he’s talking about. 

“Us.”

“I think we started in Washington.”

“Maybe unofficially, but this is where…” he shrugs, and looks down at her with a rare flash of shyness. “You know.”

Ziva’s grin widens. “I know what?” she prompts.

“This is where we first made love,” Tony reminds her, amused with her nudging. 

“We were not even dating then—was it not just sex?”

“Jesus, woman, are you going to make me spell it out for you?” Tony laughs and glances over to where Tali has struck up a loud conversation with a charmed florist five meters ahead. She’s quite the flower child.

“Spell out what?” It’s almost a challenge.

“This is where I realized I loved you, Ziva David.” He gives her a crinkly-eyed smile, the kind that’s only reserved for her and for Tali. 

“It was the same for me,” Ziva agrees, feeling very warm. “And I never forgot. No matter where I went.”

“Wherever you went… you were always going to end back here, in Paris,” Tony says with a confidence he can’t explain. “We were always going to end up back here.”

Paris, after all, was home even before they lived here. 

[readingsbylibramc]

birth chart reading for @im-sleepwalkingg

hello! welcome to your reading. I’m gonna give you a quick overview of what I’m going to analyze about your natal chart. feel free to ask me anything if something isn’t clear, of course. you’ll find out your dominants’ influence on your persona, your physical appearance, impression on others and the way you approach the world; your ego, identity, the real you; your reactions, your desires, inner emotions; your way of expressing your feelings, your mind and ideas; your desires and approach to love; your energy tank, instincts and temperament; in-depth analysis of each house with their rulers and analysis of heavy aspects; love life + soulmates/karmic partners interpretation; your relationship with your friends; your family life; your approach to career and work in general + possible jobs suggestion; your style, fashion sense analysis; life purpose and past life description; basic transits’ analysis to describe your current mood and, last but not least, your secret skills, how to make the most out of your soul and manifest what you desire based on your birth chart.

🦋 chart shape, dominants

your chart is a splay shape, meaning that your planets are located randomly in different groups in your chart. people with this type of chart are usually very talented at different things. they can focus their attention on different matters, from family, to work, to love. everything is important for you, and you try to live your life to the fullest. you may be particularly talented at things that require action, it doesn’t matter whether it’s physical or mental. you may be very good at sports, dancing… or maybe you’re good at leading, you could easily be the boss on your work place. since you’re interested in so many things, you could easily be skilled at all of them to be honest. my advice would be to pick the hobby that is most important for you and care about it more than the others. that’s because people with this chart usually tend to do so many things that they may lack precision. it’s better to give all of yourself to what’s important for you.

your dominant planets are saturn, venus and the sun. you're an hard-working and ambitious person. you probably know what you want in life, you have strong beliefs, but you also know how to relax and have fun. you're most likely extremely artistic and creative, you're very imaginative, and thanks to your saturn dominance you know how to balance duties and hobbies.

your dominant sign is taurus. you're a chill person, you prefer staying at home instead of going out and partying. you are quite stubborn, but that's because you're passionate about your ideas and beliefs. you prefer trying and take action, even if you risk to hurt yourself, instead of just standing still and observing. you find comfort helping others; it's a way to feel satisfied both with others and yourself, as you like proving your skills and talents.

your dominant element is earth. you're a loyal and stable individual. you value longevity in your relationships, and that makes you quite picky. you can easily appear as cold, as opening up to someone you don't know well is too much of a risk for you. once you do, though, you'll stay forever. money and material possessions are important for you, as you understand that financial stability is one of the main qualifications in life.

🌎 ascendant in leo, 2° / 1st decan ruled by the sun

you’re an extremely confident and bright person, or at least you have a very strong aura around you that makes you look like you are. you have exceptional charisma and presence, in fact this is usually a celebrity placement! you surely don’t go overlooked. you naturally always try your best to make people feel at ease, and you mostly succeed thanks to your warmth, which makes you even more attractive. you probably like being recognized, and you may want to be famous. in fact, you like being in the spotlight and loaded with compliments and appreciation, they incredibly boost your self-confidence. your charisma may sometimes be too noticeable, resulting a bit dramatic; you may gesticulate a lot, imitate voices… basically, you would do amazing at acting, for example. in fact, most actors have a leo rising, or leo placements of any sort. you’re very playful, you most likely look younger than you are for your personality. you may also be a savage, and you’re most likely good at jokes of any kind. you appear as a very bubbly and outgoing person, yet you may be quite secretive. you don’t open up easily, especially about family / private matters. especially with your virgo influence, you’re very picky when it comes to trusting people. in addition, you’re a perfectionist; you care a lot about everything that revolves around you, from physical appearance to your job, you want it all to be perfect. that can cause you a lot of stress, as you always want to seem at your best state, you despise being seen as weak or unprepared. physically, all leos have beautiful hair. you may have curly, perhaps red or dark hair, or at least it’s very thick. you may also get tanned easily, you could an olive skin tone or any kind of warm undertones to your skin. you may have full, plump lips, or at least they have a defined cupid’s bow. you may also have doe, almond-shaped eyes, and all of your facial features are quite feminine. you may also have naturally silky hair and perhaps pale skin with some warm undertones to it.

🌞 sun in taurus, 23° / 3rd decan ruled by venus and saturn

you’re more sharp-witted and pragmatic than the typical taurus. you value stability in both romance and in your day-to-day life, like at work. you take care of your body and style in any sort of way, as your leo ascendant confirms. after all, the 3rd decan of taurus is a great balance of beauty and brain. I imagine that you're not very extroverted, you prefer staying in, but I repeat that you still probably have nice social skills that could take a while to develop. or at least, they're your secret skills. you like keeping your mind active everyday, especially by following your passions. if you’re the logical type, you might enjoy playing sudoku or things like that. on the other hand, if you’re more philosophical you might enjoy reading, writing etc. you have a great sense of duty, that makes you want to excel in whatever you do. in addition to this, you’re also very stubborn. you probably get in arguments with others because you don’t accept their advices/criticism and prefer going your own way. you may also tend to overindulge a bit, and become a bit lazy. you're also very attached to food, and since your sun is also conjunct jupiter you may have the tendency to overeat. yet, since you have a strong earth dominance, you probably don't gain weight easily. you enjoy the finer things in life, but you might struggle with jealousy because of that. you have the tendency to look at other people’s achievements and get disappointed about yours.

taurus sun conjunct taurus mercury: you express your ego and identity through your words and ideas. you’re very opinionated and you protect strongly your beliefs. after all, you probably came up with your ideals after thinking deeply about them, you were too precise to be wrong. you’re also probably an avid reader, and you could do well in writing yourself, as you’re able to properly convey your ideals with your words. in fact, with your mercury being conjunct your gemini mars and your virgo moon, you'd do well as a writer of any kind, especially of adventure books. your mind is very active, and you feel comfortable letting all your thoughts out. it’s actually a way to relieve stress. you also have a wide vocabulary, and you’re capable of making a formal speech if you have to. you have a memorable way of speaking, as your words are very sharp. it’s hard for you to be ignored for your intellect.

taurus sun conjunct taurus venus: you enjoy peace and harmony. you want your surroundings to look all neat and clean, and the same goes for the people you surround yourself with. you wish people saw you as easy to approach, even though you may struggle with your image. you try to be as formal and kind as possible with people you don’t know well, unless they start getting on your nerves by disagreeing with your opinions or being too bossy. you’re very feminine, not only in your looks and manners but also in the way you dress. you’re quite romantic too, and dream of having a perfect marriage. the downside to this aspect is that because you take so much care of yourself, people may mistake your self-love for vanity, especially with your ascendant being in leo. also, your self-esteem may depend too much on others’ opinion of you; you may start thinking you’re ugly and unworthy of love just because someone told you you’re not their type, to sum up.

taurus sun conjunct taurus jupiter: this placement makes you more easy-going and kind-hearted than the typical taurus sun. you have a warm personality. even though you may not be the most extroverted person based on your other placements, I imagine that, once you get to know people, you become very outgoing. you always try to make people feel comfortable and, matched with your virgo moon, this placement makes you particularly considerate of others. you have a knack for religion, spirituality and just knowledge in general. you have strong beliefs, and you're most probably very open-minded as well. the negative side of this mostly-beneficial placement is that you may be subconsciously too confident in yourself or skills, resulting arrogant or selfish. it's alright to praise yourself of course, but you may start to look down on people who don't share your same interests, opinions etc. you can't repress this side of yourself of course, but try not to show it with people around you if it causes you problems.

taurus sun square aquarius uranus: this aspect makes you crave independency. you like doing things your own way, especially since it’s backed up by your fixed dominance. you’re really creative and intelligent, yet this may be misunderstood by those who surround you. you stand out for the way you think and your interests, and some may even perceive you as ‘weird’. I honestly think that, if well-devolped and paired with a good use of words, this aspect can be highly beneficial for your growth. a lot of successful people, like bill gates and stephen king, have this aspect, as it gives one the ability to imagine unordinary things that can impact society in a good way.

🌙 moon in virgo, 28° / 3rd decan ruled by mercury and venus

this is the truest virgo decan. you want to have everything under control, you can't bear not being organized. you most probably write down your appointments and stuff on an agenda, or perhaps even in the notes app of your phone. you're extremely precise, you want everything to be perfect. mixed with your leo rising, you probably care a lot about your appearance; you most likely have a skincare routine, workout... just anything that makes you feel healthy. you love taking care of yourself, especially of your hygiene. you also put a lot of effort in your outfits, you fear not being at your best state. you're a perfectionist, after all. this also project in your home environment; you may clean your house thoroughly, it's most likely all neat. in addition, this mania of yours of being perfect makes you have high standards; in fact, you need people in your life that try as much as you do. you despise lazy people. you probably have a reputation for always being calm and elegant, as you try to avoid conflicts as much as possible. you're very smart and insightful, and you strive for perfection; you want to prove your power to yourself, as it helps you boosting your self-esteem. in fact, it depends a lot on your achievements; if you don't meet your expectations, you start going through a hard time of insecurity and struggles. you love communicating, but you may struggle to find the right words, especially with your mercury being conjunct mars. your eyes talk for you, though. you're also very introspective, and you're fond of art and creativity in general. you're very critical, both of yourself and of others. you don't do it with malice, though, but as I've already mentioned you want to frequent people that try to be at their best all the time, just like you after all.

🗣 mercury in taurus, 28° / 3rd decan ruled by venus and saturn

this is the most quiet taurus decan, yet also the most precise and analytical. you care a lot about grammar, you don't want to make any mistakes. looking ridiculous is your biggest fear, hence you end up overworking to prove yourself that you're capable to do anything you want. you have a slow way of thinking and speaking. your voice may sound really calm and pleasant to hear, yet still strict and ambitious. you’re probably a good singer, or at least have the potential to become one. you tend to overthink a lot, but you eventually get to a conclusion and stick to it. no one is gonna change your mind. you enjoy learning and working in creative ways; you might enjoy using powerpoints, flashcards or maybe study with your friends, or listening to music. you also probably have a nice, aesthetic handwriting and you like organizing your agenda. your voice is probably very soft and youthful.

taurus mercury conjunct gemini mars: this placement makes you slightly more aggressive, or at least loud with your words. in fact, it makes you look more assertive and almost bossy. you could often attack people with words when you get angry, and you can get quite provocative too, but I don't see you raising your voice. while you are quick-minded and it's hard for you to be tricked, you have a very sharp tongue that could hurt others. other people may not understand your sense of humor for example, and they could get offended. you love debates and expressing your opinions, as you take a lot of pride in your thoughts. yet, may also take things very personally, you get defensive extremely easily, and that makes it hard to have a healthy discussion with you as you're very fiery. you could often get into arguments too.

taurus mercury conjunct taurus saturn: this placement, on the other hand, could delay your communication skills. you may find it hard for you to express your thoughts and opinions in a clear, understandable way. you may be too shy to speak your mind, for example, and hence you end up sounding very insecure in your speech. you may even end up stuttering, for example. on the other hand, you're very mature and well-mannered, which is a positive thing considering that your taurus is also conjunct mars. yet, you could be extremely pessimistic, you never allow yourself to think for the best. ironically, in this way you may actually attract bad luck to you. you could be the type to say 'I am so ugly', 'nobody loves me' and other things like that, and at a certain point you'll just start believing in it, and that obviously damages your self-esteem. you should definitely stop with this behaviour, start being more optimistic, even though you may be skeptical at first. you'll naturally attract positivity to you after a while, and you'll feel much better.

❤️ venus in taurus, 15° / 2nd decan ruled by venus and mercury

you seek long-lasting relationships. you're very romantic, and this fixed influence gives you high standards for your partner, you stay back from players. you look for someone you can always count on, and that is willing to support you through thick and thin. it may take you a while to find someone worth to be your lover, but once you find them, you'll always be loyal to them as long as they're respectful. they're your most precious possession, hence you're very jealous and protective of them. if it becomes unhealthy for both you and your partner, it's surely an issue you have to solve, maybe together. you're also the type who likes to be spoiled by their lover, and wants to make lovely gifts as well. these gifts don't have to be expensive, even homemade things are fine. for example, you may melt at the thought of your significant other to take their time and do something exclusively for you, like baking a cake or writing a poem. little gestures that show you their love. in a potential partner, you also care about how they present themselves. I'm not necessarily talking about conventional beauty, but more on a self-care side. you like people who smell good, have a nice fashion sense and maybe people that are quite conceited too (obviously not to the point of narcissism).

taurus venus conjunct taurus jupiter: this placement makes you extremely likeable, and it's particularly beneficial considering that your leo rising could make you appear kind of snug. you're probably quite popular, or at least you're very appreciated wherever you go. not only you're physically attractive, but you're also very friendly and charismatic, which makes it impossible not to notice you. you despise conflicts and chaotic situations in general, you're very peaceful. perhaps, to have fun you prefer using creative and artistic outlets rather than going out. I also find this an extremely beneficial placement for you, as you have a scorpio 5th house that makes you attract obsessive and / or problematic partners. with venus being conjunct to jupiter, this energy may not be as prominent as usual, as you tend to attract more positivity in your life.

taurus venus conjunct taurus saturn: as I've already mentioned above, you're a very affecionate and loyal partner. yet, due to this placement, there could be some insecurity around your love affairs. you may be too cold in relationships, it could be that you have troubles showing your love and affection for others. or perhaps, you're afraid of being in a relationship, and hence you may directly avoid them or break up all of a sudden. you could literally jump into relationships, resulting in you getting hurt from time to time. because of this, with this placement marriage is usually delayed. it could be hard for you to find your true love, but it'll surely come. you could possibly date people more dominant / older than you, and I'd recommend you to get married after your saturn return, which is around your 27/28s. little side-note, you may often date karmic partners, aka partners from your past lives, so you may often experience this 'I’ve already seen you before’-vibe in your new encounters and relationships, and you’ll always learn something from all your relationships.

☄️ mars in gemini, 6° / 1st decan ruled by mercury

you’re driven by the sense of intelligence. your intellect is your greatest strenght, it’s your energy tank. you’re interested in a bunch of things, and hence you may have troubles staying focused on one thing at the time. you probably have tons of hobbies, and you may end up not being much precise since you have tons of things that you have and want to do. you can’t stand boredom, you need your day-to-day life to be exciting and, above all, offer you something new to learn and / or experience. usually, gemini mars individuals tend to be very physically active, but I personally don't think it's your case. you could be into fitness and health for example, but you're not the type to go out and party for example, you're way more chill. also, you’re extremely witty and curious, and you want to live your life to the fullest. you may often change your style, your opinions, maybe even your personality, and that could make you seem confusing and / or unreliable.

gemini mars opposite sagittarius pluto: with this placement, I assume that when you were younger you were some sort of victim. you could have been bullied, for example, you used to be insecure about the way you looked and were. you could have felt different from others, and they took advantage of that to make you feel even more insecure. or maybe, it was a parent, or every authoritative figure in your life, that restricted you from following your own ideals. because of that, now you constantly feel the need to prove yourself. you probably tend to accumulate a lot of anger all together, which you need to let all out or you could explode. you could find comfort in physical ways to relieve stress, like punching bags, slamming doors, etc. or perhaps, when you're angry you just get overwhelmed by all of your emotions. you may cry, scream, even throw up in certain cases. on the other hand, you are extremely magnetic and attractive to others, you naturally draw people towards you. you're also extremely passionate in whatever you do, you put your whole heart in doing things you love. you're very hard-working and determined to achieve your goals, and I find this beneficial considering that your gemini energy tends to make one superficial. with this aspect, you're probably more dedicated than the common gemini.

🏡 houses, interceptions

your 1st house is in leo. with this placement, you care a lot about your persona, both physically and also mentally too. yet, you may start feeling like you need to be perfect at all costs to be accepted, especially during your early years. for example, you may be the type to follow fashion trends to look cool, and you may subconsciously force yourself to like them. you need to understand that you should enhance your individuality, and ask yourself who you are. it’s not all about who you are outside, the inside matters even more. you’re free to stand out, but make sure that you do it in a comfortable way for you, or it will start becoming toxic as time goes by. the ruler of the 1st house is in the 10th house: you have big goals for your future, you may even want to be famous. they’re basically the centre of your life, it revolves around your goals and achievements and you want a successful. you’re naturally charismatic, you may have lots of friends or at least it’s easy for you to get known in your community, even though these results may be delayed due to saturn in your 10th house. you may also care a lot about your reputation.

your 2nd house is in leo again. your self-esteem depends on matters like money, possessions, as well as your influence on others. you may feel confident when you're praised and spoiled with compliments and material things, you may enjoy being in the spotlight as it increases your self-confidence, even though you're quite shy so you don't feel very at ease. you feel confident when you're able to earn money and you're financially stable, and hence you probably felt guilty as a child to ask your parents for money for example. you probably love luxury, you aspire to become very wealthy, live in the house of your dreams, etc. you could also dream of becoming famous. and actually, with this placement, you could make money from leo-related matters, and hence being in the spotlight, creativity (especially theatre / drama), comedy, etc.

your 3rd house is in virgo. you're very precise and polite in the way you express your thoughts. you're probably very careful to grammar, vocabulary etc... you love looking and being knowledgeable. you're more a logical type rather than an intuitive person, you hardly ever do something only out of curiosity. you're very cautious about the decisions you make, and hence it could take you a time to finally choose something, but that's because you just don't want to regret anything. you think deeply about your choices, and most of the time they turn out to be right. you're strongly opinionated, but you may be a bit too harsh when you express your ideas. sometimes you could even hurt someone, as you're extremely honest. you don't like sugar-coating your words. you're also very intelligent and hard-working, and you can't stand messy things. you're probably very neat, you like having schedules and you may even keep an agenda / diary where you keep track of your appointments and other things you have to do. you also have the moon placed in this house: it's hard for you to hide your feelings, as you express them through your words. you may also be the type to let your feelings out through writing, and hence you may write very personal poetry, books, etc. your emotions are directly connected to your speech.

your 4th house is in libra. your home environment was probably very pleasant and beautiful, both physically and emotionally. you may have a conventionally beautiful family, or at least they're particularly attractive and charming. your house may also be very well-designed and elegant, doesn't matter how big it is. you probably see your parents as ideal, they are your role models and you look up to them, even though they could have been a bit strict from time to time. it could be that you didn't argue often, probably because you weren't much rebel as a teen, or even if you discussed there was hardly ever shouting or even violence. the ruler of the 4th house is placed in the 10th house: you may have a reputation for being very nurturing, like a sort of mother to others, a benevolent leader. also, your future career may include 4th house matters; that means that you could follow your parents' steps and work in their same field, for example, or maybe even follow their studies. you could possibly work with families, e.g as a counselor, or perhaps in real estate. you could possibly even become an interior designer, or you could be particularly talented at cooking, you'd make a great chef or maybe a baker too.

your 5th house is in scorpio. you're not really the type to hang out and attend parties. actually, you most likely prefer spending your spare time alone. you're extremely passionate about your hobbies, especially since pluto is also placed in this house, enhancing this scorpio energy. you may dedicate all of yourself to them, to the point that you could actually develop an obsession to be great at them. yet, you could struggle to show your creativity, you most likely keep all of your artistic and creative works for yourself. probably, this is linked to the fact that your moon is in the 3rd house; you create very personal art, and since you're very secretive you don't to show your emotions to people you don't trust, and hence same goes for your hobbies. because of that, you may often feel different or out of place, and that may interfer with your relationships with other people.

your 6th house is in capricorn. usually, people with a capricorn 6th house are very responsible and work-oriented. they generally don’t leave much space to fun and amusement, you have a strong sense of duty and you may end up overworking yourself, especially with your stellium in the 10th house. on the other hand, this placement could make you an amazing leader, especially in your work environment. you can easily work alone, you can handle it. when it comes to health, you may suffer from problems to your bones, and hence you could wear braces, you may have diseases to your back, etc. the ruler of the 6th house is in the 10th house: you could pursue a career that involves healing, possibly medicine. you could be a therapist of any kind, a doctor, a nurse… even a vet. also, this placement indicates that you’ll communicate something through your career. it doesn’t necessarily have to be with words, you may also communicate in a graphic way, hence you could be an actress, an artist, a photographer etc.

your 7th house is in aquarius. you do like the idea of marriage and love, yet you need your space as well. you don’t want to feel committed in a relationship, it would be suffocating for you. that could make you appear as emotionally cold or detached, when you’re really not. you just care a lot about your personal growth. you also have uranus and neptune placed in this house. perhaps, you could even attract mentally unstable partners, they could be a bit moody for example. you probably dream of a love like those you hear about in fairytales; you're not only looking for a partner, you literally want a prince, who's willing to give their all to you. you find yourself daydreaming often about love, and it may also be your source of inspiration for creativity and art in general. probably, you may idealize people too much; that is, you may create a version of others that only exists in your head. hence, once you get to know someone better, they turn out to be the exact opposite of what you thought. this causes you to be sort of naive when it comes to relationships, so pay extra attention to this problem now that you're aware of it. last but not least, you may meet your future spouse in an unexpected situation.

your 8th house is in aquarius. you're secretly quite rebellious, or at least you have a few unconventional ideals that you struggle to let out to the world. you are extremely open-minded and you have a strong sense of justice, you're always ready to defend others, especially if they're your friends. yet, while this placement makes you extremely open-minded and supportive of others, there are also some bad sides about it. in fact, you may often find yourself being afraid of being unconventional, you tend to conform to others out of fear. you could give up on your own freedom and comfort since you struggle to achieve your independency, you probably care too much about what others think of you. you have troubles stepping out of your comfort-zone, and paired up with your virgo moon, you can't improvise, you're way too logical and you base your routine and actions too much on a schedule. you could also come across some hardships regarding your friends, you may often attract people that could hurt you deeply. yet, these experiences will allow you to learn something grow up in order to become the best version of you.

your 9th house is in pisces. this is definitely a nice placement! the result is that you're probably extremely open-minded and imaginative. you hardly ever have have prejudices, you judge people way less than the typical leo rising. you're extremely opinionated, and combined with your virgo 3rd house you're constantly looking for the truth. you hate it when people say something wrong for example, you can't help but correct them. you could also be religious and believe in a god. philosophy, literature and poetry are also a part of your many interests. in addition, you're most likely also into foreign languages and cultures. you could travel a lot, or perhaps with your pisces in the house cusp you like travelling with your mind. you probably literally create stories in your head, you're extremely imaginative. a good advice would be not to waste this talent of yours; you could actually make your fantasies concrete and express them through creative outlets: books, drawings, songs, choreographies... basically, it would be a waste to only keep them for you.

your 10th house is in aries, with also a big stellium involving venus as your most elevated planet, saturn, jupiter and the sun. with your 10th house cusp in the energetic sign of aries, you need a career that allows you to be independent, you probably prefer working alone than in groups. or perhaps, you actually aspire to become a boss, a ceo, someone people look up to, and if you work hard you may actually become an influential person in your work place / field. in fact, with saturn placed here, at first you may struggle to find the job that is right for you. you may be indecisive about it, or perhaps you could come across some hardships regarding bosses or even payments. yet, this will naturally get better with time, as you grow up and make new experiences. your jupiter here points out that you'll be able to earn lots of wisdorm thanks to your career, and hence you'd probably make a perfect leader, or even teacher for example. with also the sun placed here, your career is basically the focus of your life. you aspire to be successful, as you're quite materialistic. you like spoiling yourself and even your loved ones, you're probably fond of shopping of any kind, and you want to be wealthy thanks to yourself only. last but not least, venus is also placed in this house and it's your most elevated planet. that means that your life, and hence your career too, will revolve around artistic outlets, it's a natural talent of yours. you could become a singer, a dancer, an actress, an artist, a stylist, etc. also, you may often date people from your work place, and you could even find your future spouse there.

your 11th house is in taurus, with also mercury and mars placed in this house. you are probably very possessive of your friends, you hate it when they don't spend much time with you. you don't do it out of malice of course, you're just afraid of not being enough, deep down. you could attract some possibly harmful people in your friendships, but any hardship will just help you to grow up. overall, your relationship with your friends will be very stable after growing up and becoming more mature. the 11th house is also about long-term goals, and hence you may also aspire to become wealthy and earn a great income. in fact, since mars is also placed in this house, you're highly motivated to achieve these goals of yours. also, your friends are your energy tank, they literally help you to recharge, and they're probably the ones to comfort you when you feel down. last but not least, with mercury you're extremely curious about people and the future of the world in general. you may be into conspiracy theories for example, or even into topics like psychology, criminology, history, etc. that help you understand more about people and the whole world. you could also be very impatient to achieve your goals, and a downside to this is that you may give up halfway if you don't see improvements.

your 12th house is in cancer. you’re an extremely spiritual and intuitive person. you may be attracted to dreams, religion, astrology, spirituality… anything that can wake you up, spiritually speaking. you may also be particularly talented at reading birth charts, tarots, even talking to spirits. you may have prophetic dreams, or you could even have deja-vus. the 12th house is also the house of fears, so having cancer here indicates that you may be afraid of your childhood, emotions, past memories. perhaps, even of your home environment or directly of your parents. it’s a part of your life that you’d rather keep secret. you may also have some escapism tendencies, such as oversleeping, overeating… or perhaps, you could easily develop addictions, so be careful to that, as you’re particularly sensitive to drugs, alcohol etc.

❤️ love life, soulmates

in love, you attract aquarius, sagittarius, pisces, scorpio and taurus. your future spouse will most likely have scorpio and taurus traits or placements, maybe also some pisces too. they’ll be very similiar to you: secretive and hard-working, but also with a warm, loyal heart and a hidden insecurity to them. you may meet them at work, or in any place where you go to have fun. it may be a party, a bar... literally any place you attend where you can meet other people. possibly, even abroad or in vacation. your children will most likely have strong scorpio, sagittarius or pisces traits: they’ll be very daring and brave, but also very funny and warm. also, they’ll be extremely intelligent and more mature as time goes by. they'll also have a tender side to them, but that is often overshadowed by their playfulness. they could also get easily very possessive and jealous.

👶🏻 family life

your father is a very fiery, impulsive person, with a short-temper. he could have even been quite violent with you during your childhood, and he might have a few childish behaviours. deep down, he's actually kind of insecure with his role as a father, but he may hate to admit it. he may have aries, capricorn, libra, taurus, leo, sagittarius, pisces or scorpio placements in his chart. your mother, on the other hand, is slighly more submissive. she's mostly a peaceful and emotional person, even though she most probably has a passive-aggressive behaviour. she might've been a bit strict or overprotective. nonetheless, you could actually have a better relationship with her rather than with your father, or at least she understands your needs better. she may have libra, or taurus placements in her chart. if you have siblings, they're probably very peaceful, affectionate and intelligent. they may also be very kind, as well as organized. their rooms probably look immaculate. they could have virgo, cancer or gemini placements in their charts.

📊 career

honestly, your chart points out that you'd do great at a bunch of things! from working alone or even in groups, you'll be able to be successful in any path you choose. in fact, there are many indicators in your chart that indicate that, if you work hard, you'll be able to achieve a great fortune thanks to your job. for me, the best career for you would be teaching. I can see you being an amazing teacher, as you have the knowledge, open-mindness and calm to lead people and let them understand different matters, without forcing your opinions. you could also work abroad, perhaps with different languages, or maybe with children, and hence you could be a primary school teacher or a foreign languages teacher. otherwise, you could also do well at jobs that involve arts and creativity. what matters the most is that you're able to achieve a great position, you want people to look up to you. that's the only way for you to feel satisfied and accomplished.

👚 fashion sense, style analysis

with your heavy venus presence, I'm sure you're very elegant. even if you're just wearing a sweatshirt with pants, you still manage to make it look so expensive and particular. you may like pastel, light colours, or even earthy shades like kaki, brown etc. you prefer using comfortable clothes, but you definitely know how to dress up when you have to. you might also be very fond of accessories, like jewellery and bags. you may also enjoy buying designer clothes, but even if they're cheaper, you want them to be of a nice quality. you may also enjoy going thrift shopping, as you may like wearing 'timeless' items, such as white shirts, blazers, coats, classic heels... basically, versatile clothes that are a must in your wardrobe, as they've always been trendy. you could also love oversized fits, as well as 80s/90s aesthetic.

👁 past life, life purpose

in your past lifetime, you used to put your spirituality aside for a while to focus on finding out your identity here on the earth. you learned how to be responsible, healthy and stable on the earth. you know your values, and they’re already very grounded, you’re very mature from this point of view. in this lifetime, you now need to get more in touch with your spirituality. you need to get close to your higher self, and you may actually be quite skilled at it; probably you may interpret your dreams, you could be interested in religion, what’s beyond the world, and you’re most likely also interested in astrology and other occult matters. you’ll finally be able to reach happiness and fulfill your soul when you start having awareness of your soul’s purpose. since you’ve booked a reading, I’m sure you’re already on the right path, so keep going this way.

🤔 major transits analysis / september 21st

this year your focus is mostly on your career, work environment. you may undergo different changes in your routine, probably unexpected situations at work. yet, you’ll get out stronger and with more knowledge with you, which will help you gain more maturity and awareness when it comes to jobs. also, your focus may also be on your health and / or fitness. you may possibly get rid of a disease or anything that made you feel unhealthy, like a bad diet for example, or any unhealthy habit of yours.

🧿 manifest what you want, secret skills

your secret skills revolve around finances and just security in general. with a positive attitude, you may attract material luck: money, clothes, houses… everything that you desire. since you’re a logical person, I assume the most efficient way for you to manifest through the LOA is writing! take a notebook and just write down positive affirmations, such as 'I have the car of my dreams’ etc. you may also write them on post-its and glue them around your house, so that you can accelerate the progress. you can also try to idealize your wish before trying to manifest it. for example, if you want a new sweatshirt, try to imagine yourself wearing it. you could also go into a shop and actually try that sweatshirt it on; being in contact with it will boost the law of attraction even more.

thank you again for booking a reading! hope it resonated with you :)

[level247-table-tech]

like, i recognize to a lot of people the formality reads as generalized ‘early episode weirdness’, and i won’t pretend to think it was all intentional, but looking back it reads as progression. even knowing that things they share, or that we learn about them in general as they open up, are directed to the audience- made clear even by the camera angle - they are talking to each other in-universe, and i get the sense that they are learning about each other as characters too.

important note toward that point: they know what everyone else does, due to their functions, as well as knowing enough about each other’s specific inputs on various matters to clash about them. but as characters, i would argue they are unfamiliar to each other; they aren’t on a first-name basis and there’s little evidence of them interacting offscreen aside from said clashes. by getting to know each other by character, rather than just by function, they are more able to work together, come into agreement, and work toward a happier, more completely fulfilled thomas.  as a couple extra notes, them being characters is what nondiegetically allows them to speak at all, therefore indirectly what allows them to come to conclusions together.  there’s a neat symmetry in the concept that knowing each other’s characters is what allows them to work through things together more efficiently in-universe also.  a more fulfilled thomas seems like the natural result of his sides being happier, given that they are his aspects, and that’s what all of them are working toward. them knowing and being decent to one another seems conducive to that. self-love, and all, but more on that later.

everyone seems less likely to show up, in earlier episodes, unless their function is pertinent[or they are called upon]. this is where we find one- or two-character installments. less of a group discussion, more just a necessity. in particular i’d argue that any of their appearances to thomas pre-series were more akin to either the example arguments in mind vs. heart[not mvh itself; thomas called them for that talk] or one-on-one discussions in the mode of way too adult[talking about what these represent from a non-imaginary point of view could be interesting, but not on this post]: they show up when they have a stance on whatever’s at hand. this more minimal dynamic holds up in early episodes, and correlating to this theory, the change from that is due to advancement in-universe. though it is pointed out by anxiety in alone on valentine’s day that he can’t just sit things out if he doesn’t want to participate. most likely it’s just because he has feelings about the topic of discussion and does not care to go unheard, but it’s worth noting.

early appearances of all sides[in dilemmatic episodes, that is; generally only anxiety is antagonistic where there’s no particular argument] are more hostile, but early episodes also focus more on reconciling their various areas. again, we can exclude single-character focus episodes[princey is barely in taking on anxiety and he’s called up by thomas. it’s an anxiety episode], but there are more 2-sided arguments in the early episodes. the heart vs. the mind is a good example, with morality and logic talking through their previous arguments, and working toward compromise. that word’s gonna crop up again a lot. of course, one does get the impression that there’s little animosity related to past arguments! but that, i believe, can be chalked up to civility. that, and potentially regret is someone else’s domain, or thomas prefers not to dwell on it. in any case, they come to an understanding that if they work with each other rather than against each other, thomas can come to conclusions more than conflict, which are satisfactory to both parties, and which removes a stressor. the dark side of disney showcases a discussion between two sides who are less inclined to civility in ordinary clashes: princey takes his duty very personally, and anxiety is conflated with his negativity in a way that frames him as antagonistic to others and to thomas. yet this is a more casual discussion, less about conflicts or life events great or small, and more about interpretation. presumably this is just thomas pondering disney plots, on that level of thinking[listen there are three whole layers of reality in this show; i can’t just say diegetic or in-universe. the viewers are real, the sides are imaginary, and character thomas is having thoughts. i don’t know what to call it], and the results of this discussion won’t impact much other than tarnishing disney’s image. it’s just a disembodied ideal based on an external, unrelated body of work. anxiety proceeds to point out flaws in the ideal. many of which are valid points, and princey anticipates anxiety bringing up stockholm syndrome in the context of beauty and the beast, demonstrating that he already recognizes these flaws, and is just more accustomed to not focussing on the negative. different values of the critical. by the end of the episode, though, anxiety also admits that he appreciates disney movies despite their flaws. princey saw the flaws, but didn’t want to dismiss works outright for them; anxiety in truth shared this position but was unwilling to let the praise stand without a critical eye: a valid condition[pretending disney is flawless is setting a bad, bad precedent]. from then on more discussions ensue wherein more sides have opinions to bring to the table, presumably because it works and they have input, up to my negative thinking, wherein morality and princey are tabled, put offscreen. they provide excuses for their absence. already, there is enough precedent for all sides being present to these talks that absence calls for justification, at least in the opinion of thomas[not sure if anyone else was writing by that point? them too]. this is less one of those compromise episodes, and more an early appearance of how applying logic to problems is really effective, but it acknowledges anxiety’s opinions/feelings as being legitimate[in the sense that feeling that way is valid, not that he’s right], and addresses the cognitive distortions that lead to this kind of downward extrapolation. anxiety was wrong, but them working together brought thomas to a place where he had a more realistic projection of the effects of his actions. less relatedly logic admits to appreciating anxiety’s adherence to the formal debate format[for as much as he did so, at least], and says that while he frequently disagrees with anxiety, he isn’t as opposed to him as anxiety seemed to believe. this is a debate between a side with that civility i mentioned, and one without. but anxiety mostly does not express that civility due to that mentioned conflation of him with his negativity, which logic does not engage in as much here; logic points out failures in reasoning without edging in on personal attacks, dismissing anxiety’s arguments due to fallacies, and not because he attributes them simply to anxiety being a negative person[side? you know what i mean]. the result is fairly peaceable. now, keep in mind this talk about anxiety, we’ll focus more on him in a bit.

another angle of progression is in time they actually spend together[not during the course of an episode; i hesitate to just say ‘not counting times where thomas is present’ but you understand. time not occupied by dilemmas, maybe]. as mentioned, there’s little proof they’ve seen each other pre-series outside the occasional argument[also that dollar morality borrowed, but what even was that? it was also with princey, who he seems to have the most in common with], but as end-cards made appearances, we could see the sides spending time together. in an after-the-scenes sort of sense, to be sure, where it feels like they’re sticking around after filming because they somehow have to. at least, that’s the impression i get from the losing my motivation end-card; princey and anxiety probably would not want to spend time together at that point in time. i’ll chalk the ‘necessity’ of that up to the bizarre non-diegetic framing[like, in that scene he calls his agent. i have no idea what they were trying to imply]. at other times, though, it does read more as the sides generally hanging out, such as in mind vs. heart, where it reads more as them spending time together in an unofficial, personal sense[if only because logic has the presence of mind that during any official capacity in which they would spend time together he probably wouldn’t be so loose-tongued as to let that joke slip] and other goofier, more personal moments. it’s hard to place the dark side of disney’s endcard between these possibilities for that reason; they’re goofing around, and it’s not so implausible to believe that they’re sticking around out of preference. aside from end-cards, which take a bit of a turn at the end of the season and fall almost completely into the ‘personal’, ‘unofficial’ setting, there’s more evidence of them spending time together off-camera in later episodes, after the familial progress. offscreen things like anxiety mentioning morality paid him a dollar to make a pun, a flashback from princey of him seemingly in the midst of a casual conversation with at least one other side[the one where he alludes to not being a huge jelly guy], and a bit further back, princey and morality revealing that they’d worked together on the holiday sweaters. furthermore, as less of an offscreen moment and less of an unofficial setting but still worth bringing up: morality’s appearance in losing my motivation. he shows up in costume to match logic’s, to help solve a problem he has no particular stake in[that we and they know of yet]. this can be attributed to a couple factors: he wants to be helpful, and he wants to spend time with logic. potentially that second factor is linked to him already feeling they have bonded from the then-recent mind vs. heart; their shared love of onesie pajamas[and wordplay, much as logic will deny it] causes morality to feel closer to logic, and wanting to spend more quality time. he’s the most sentimental side; it makes sense that morality would be the first to feel more personally attached to the other sides. and even though the events of lmm are problem-solving in an official capacity[by their standards], it’s also said to be playing[dress-up]. spending time together. morality’s sentimentality and attachment to other sides doesn’t end there. that is only the beginning. but further such declarations are less within the realm of quality time and more business hours, so let’s move on to our next focus.

i don’t care to think up a diegetic reason they all started showing up in the first place[the first episode relates directly to the audience with a fine mist of a 4th wall], but anxiety has been present too, since early on in the series. he barely misses out on any discussions, and that’s if you count the initial introduction as a discussion. and he makes good points at times, too. his initial episode is about how to work him down from a heightened state, but in future episodes, he offers legitimate arguments and good points. things like more realistic goals[he says he knows thomas’ limits, a fair assessment], saner plans, emotional insight, honesty that is brutal but ultimately helpful, and reflections on past events. he has issues at times with identifying the reasons behind some feelings, but anxiety is irrational[the feeling, not the character], and we can only guess how much insight he has into that anyway. what we know is that when he identifies problems, he really wants to be heard, and he’s not the best at telling whether problems he’s identified are as legitimate concerns as he’s guessed due to cognitive distortions. these are thoughts thomas has, and anxiety gives voice to. other sides, in the past, have been less willing to help with working through these concerns, and more willing to just shoot down anything he says on the grounds of he said it. and even if he has trouble with which hesitancies are reasonable, he’s worried about them ignoring actual problems if he doesn’t point them out. anxiety wants to be listened to, until he doesn’t. there are a few contributors to that, logic demonstrating his concern as being excessive, disparaging remarks about how unhelpful/relentlessly negative he is hitting home, how successful all their talks have actually been in solving problems, any number of these;very likely a combination. we shall focus on the third: they’ve all been communicating with one another, which has been helping a lot to work through problems. they are identifying problems, and solving them. anxiety feels that things they’ve said about him causing problems are right, and that he isn’t needed/is holding thomas back. but as mentioned, anxiety has been there since nearly the start, appearing just as often as anyone else. he’s been there throughout the developments the others have been making; as they all communicated, he was communicating too, and in fact contributed to the solutions of multiple problems. he’s been there all along as the family came together; he may feel like an outsider, but he’s as much a part of the group as anyone. morality’s card said family. the specific label was a product of sentiment[not inaccurate by any means though], but it was accurate in depicting them as a unit. they do work primarily as a unit from that point on.

now to address more recent events. deceit and the duke have made an appearance, the others[pros: accurate. cons: this is a word i want to use for other purposes, such as that one there], or ‘dark sides’[pros: distinctive. cons: reductive] have been confirmed to be a group. that said, they are only confirmed as a group, not a cohesive unit. who knows to what extent they communicate or operate as a team. there is still ambiguity, however, about whether they are more of a unit than the ‘light sides’[pros: distinctive. cons: exclusive] or famILY[pros: accurate. cons: unhelpfully inclusive, contains capital letters, sentiment-ridden] were before season one. no dark side we have encountered seems like the type to both have and act on the kind of sentimentality that attached morality to his family, but there is much greater evidence of them interacting offscreen before.  yet that evidence shows no signs of particularly positive interactions. anxiety and deceit evidently know each other, but there's little evidence of what their past was actually like, and their interactions now are frigid, to say the least. deceit and the duke had a conversation about transparency, which was heavily paraphrased[i have to assume so at least] and occurred after deceit revealed himself in the first place. that seemed like less of a group decision and more an idea deceit had. furthermore, that idea seemed to be in response to events and actions on the part of the light sides. so who can say if the dark sides ever worked together. but it’s hard to imagine they’d have done so more than the light sides had been.

to be clear, my emphasizing morality as the one who declared them a family out of sentiment should not be read as disagreement with him saying so; i do not seriously believe anyone included in that family disagrees. he is the one who said it first, acted on it first, and initiated more of the social bonding. and referring to sentimentality as a factor should not be read as negative. that’s just what these are being attributed to. it’s a trait he has in spades, more than any other side, that contributes to his decision-making.

i know i said i was going to talk about self-love later, but that’s gonna be another time. besides, i have raw data to collect on that first.

i feel like i write more about the older episodes because they’re easier to parse, and i don’t know why. maybe it’s that they don’t have as many instances of people keeping their goals close to the chest. or it could be that they’re less of a time investment to rewatch. maybe the characters talking more like characters than people makes them speak less straightforwardly. maybe the fact that new episodes are caused by ‘real’[to character thomas] events and less about unprompted introspection is leaving some things to the imagination. maybe they’re trying to leave more to the imagination now! to be fair, imagining is fun. but insight lets me do things like this.

i did a whole separate section on virgil. to be fair, he could use the validation. he’s 100% a part of this family. plus, i’m not opposed to writing about other characters i love to the same extent. 8)

if you have thoughts about this, let me know! if you have questions, be assured i will be more upset if you don’t ask them than if you do.

[ofravensandgenesis]

For Faith, maybe?: “This isn’t what I wanted.”

A/N: Characters: Tracey and Faith. Summary: Tracey has a late night conversation with a visitor who’s not really there. Content includes: swearing, smoking, mentions of blood/canon-typical-violence, emotional manipulation, cult content, angst, ex-friendship, etc.This was fun to write, and made me think more on Tracey and Faith’s potential interactions and such during the time of the Reaping, which I appreciate. Thank you for the prompt Chyrstis!! :D ♥Ao3 link here, to avoid tumblr disaster formatting on mobile.

————————————

“You’re smoking again.” There was a note of disappointment in Faith’s voice and an almost parental disapproval that, mixed with the little almost exasperated little curl of a smile dancing about her expression, made it feel very much like Faith was humoring her.

Tracey snorted, pulling the lit cigarette away from her own lips with an abrupt, angry motion to flick the ash off of it impatiently. “Yeah? ‘s rich coming from you, Faith, playing daddy’s little flower girl from on top of Mount Smokey with your Angels and hanger-ons.”Faith sighed, looking away to one side, having the air of long-suffering patience, which was utter bullshit in Tracey’s opinion—”Faith” of all people knew Tracey well. She wasn’t going to pretend everything was alright, like she was happy to fucking see her ex-best-friend once again as yet another damned “hallucination” or what the fuck ever the Bliss was.It happened often at night, particularly the nights Tracey couldn’t sleep…or she hoped it was only on those nights. Tracey did not need the mental image of Faith creeping on her while slept. Didn’t want the reminder of waking up to finding a blanket tucked in around her whenever she’d fallen asleep somewhere uncomfortable, as Tracey did sometimes.There shouldn’t have been anyone who did that for her anymore. No more surprises. It’d almost made Tracey cry in rage the first time it’d happened again, after…after.She’d found out later it was from Virgil, and anger had given way to relief. But a small part of her head always wondered if Virgil was always the one who left a blanket draped across her shoulders.Tracey wasn’t in the mood for this. Not tonight.“Get lost Faith. I’m not in a mood to talk to fucking ghosts.”“Oh? And who you gonna call if I don’t?” Faith asked, turning to give Tracey a coy and playful look.Once upon a time, the answer would’ve been a matching playful smirk along with the answer Ghost Busters.That’d been one of their favorite shared movies, once.It pissed Tracey off how it just made her feel sad to see Faith—Rachel—doing that now, like nothing had changed. It was moments like this that made Tracey uncertain if this was “real” or just all in her head. It felt more like the latter. Like missing her once best friend. It made her feel sick.“Fuck off.” Tracey’s words tasted bitter in her mouth, like ashes. Lies. Had it all been a lie, their entire friendship, or had it been real, and just…gone wrong?The little smile Faith had been wearing withered away, like a flower caught in the frost. Typical. She looked away with a sigh. “This isn’t what I wanted.”“Oh? And what did you want, if it wasn’t to go play princess in your own little kingdom of make believe?” Tracey asked, throwing the remains of her cigarette down with a vicious abruptness before grinding it out under her heel with a great deal of prejudice. “To pretend those aren’t fucking people you’ve turned into your own damn puppets and mindless dolls to dance to whatever tune you decide to play? Grow the fuck up and own up to what you’ve done, what you’ve fucking become, Rachel, and stop living in a goddamn dream. And stay the hell out of mine or whatever the hell this is, a day dream, hallucination, or whatever other bullshit Bliss fuckery it is. I’ve told you already and I’ll say it again: get lost.”Faith looked at her, now suddenly brittle and with a flash of actual hurt and anger that was there like the sparks from a fire striker—bright and hot one moment, but gone the next without something to burn. But sparks were dangerous like that: they could catch and smoulder, for a long, long time, without giving away that something was burning until the fire had already caught on.“You could’ve stayed.” The words were short. Choppy. The closest Rachel ever got to actually arguing, fighting, and it was with Tracey. How ironic. “You could’ve stayed and helped us build something wonderful together, Tracey. You could’ve stayed with me.”“Oh this old fucking bullshit again,” Tracey said, lip curling upwards in a show of disgust, nose wrinkling to pull her entire expression into a sneer. “I told you the Project was fucking bad news once I’d caught on, but you didn’t fucking want to listen,”“That’s because it isn’t!” Faith insisted, fists balling in the sides of her skirt as her entire posture stiffened with affront—good. She was actually angry enough to fucking look the part.“It fucking is and you know it Faith. You’ve got people walking on their hands and knees along that godless “Pilgrimage” of yours until they’re leaving bloody trails of handprints and busting kneecaps against the stone, if they’re not fucking eaten by a goddamned mountain lion along the way. Oh and let’s not forget all the people you’re fucking murdering or turning into yet more mindless Angels to play fucking house with. Can’t even stand to do your own damn gardening and risk getting your frocks and petticoats dirty?”There wasn’t much actual substance to that last statement other than the intention to spite Faith, given that the other woman had taken to walking around barefoot like some hippie woodstock lovechild who hadn’t ever heard of broken glass fragments, or splinters, or dog shit or such.“We do what we have to do to accomplish our goals, Tracey,” Faith said, expression actually turning a touch sullen at that. Tracey knew it was because Faith knew that her usual religiously-themed clap-trap about the Project and the Father’s “Collapse” didn’t do anything except piss Tracey off even more. “You’d know that if you’d stop running and look around you at the opportunity you’ve been presented.”“Oh for—fuck off with that nonsense Faith, joining a goddamned doomsday cult isn’t a fucking opportunity!”“You’re talking like that because you’re afraid.” Faith said, the glint in her eyes like the flick of a pocket knife blade pulled open in the moonlight. “That’s why you run, that’s why you always run, whether something’s good or bad. You don’t trust. You never trust. You never trusted me. You don’t trust anyone. But I can help.” Faith reached out to her with both hands, beseechingly.“Let me help you, Tracey, and you won’t have to be afraid anymore. You won’t have to be alone anymore. You have a place here, in our family. You just have to have a little faith, in me, in us. Please. I’m not asking much. Just trust me, this one time. I can make a good life for us, for everyone. Please, Tracey.”And didn’t that take the entire fucking cake. Faith actually sounded like she fucking believed what she was saying. Believed that she could do all that. Believed that any good would come of all this blood and fear and pain and despair and all this…this…fucking awful shitty crap.It made Tracey so damned tired. She didn’t want to deal with people. Not like this. Not if they were going to just, fucking, turn around and hop on the crazy bandwagon and leave her.Tracey wasn’t an easy person to get along with, she knew. But she tried. She tried to make up for that, as best she could. She’d tried to be there for Rachel, time after time after time again, to do what she could to support her friend.

And what good had that done, in the end?“That’s what you say to everyone now.” Bitterness, rather than anger, colored Tracey’s words. It was true, she’d heard enough from other people’s stories of what Faith said to them, what Faith said to make them feel special, like they were loved, like they were cared for with her. And Tracey knew Faith didn’t care about much of anyone at all, among those she pulled in with those fucking honeyed words and innocent doe eyed glances.The way maybe she’d pulled Tracey in, back when they were younger. Back when Tracey had thought they were really, truly friends.She didn’t bother to answer Faith, knowing the ghost of her former friend would just continue insisting that she was right when she got like this, using soft words and circular logic to exhaust a person into submission, to make someone feel like shit for disagreeing with such an “innocent” and “well meaning” young woman.Lies. It was all lies. It’d always been lies. Tracey had to remember that. She couldn’t doubt…or she’d just be another one of the ghosts Faith would send packing to shamble on in as a mindless Angel to kill whoever the dainty little Herald pointed at, until Tracey wasn’t even a shell anymore, and was thrown away and forgotten. Just like how Faith had forgotten and thrown her away before. Thrown their friendship away.She turned her back on the apparition, ghost, projection or what the fuck ever it was.“Tracey…”She didn’t answer, just kept walking, heading for the stairs to head back inside the Jail.Faith’s voice sounded forlorn, but not so forlorn as the silence that followed afterwards.It was times like this that Tracey hated, hated everything with a blind, pain-riddled kind of emotion that felt like she should be thrashing about like an animal in its death throes. But she didn’t thrash. She simply opened the door, and walked inside, footsteps echoing hollow along the tiled floor and bare walls.She didn’t know if Rachel had ever been her friend, now or back then. She didn’t know if those night time conversations were just her own consciousness manifesting and talking to her, or if Faith was actually fucking there, talking to her.…she didn’t know if any of it had been real. Any of it at all.

[engekihaikyuu]

Hyper Projection Engeki Haikyuu - The Tokyo Battle

Pamphlet Translation - Q&A ~Nekoma Cast Answers~

Full translation under the Read More. Please do not repost my scans or translations.

Q1: When you hear the word “Tokyo,” what is it that you imagine? Please also give one reason why you imagine what you do.

Takato (Kenma): A metropolis.  I was born in Kyushu* so even now it sometimes doesn’t really sink in that I’m in Tokyo.  Tokyo has this image of being very futuristic or high-tech.  I’m still not used to the crowds of people.  But I’ve made so many friends in Tokyo, and there are people here who support me, so now it’s become a very special place.  That and Nekoma’s in Tokyo!

*Kyushu is the southernmost of the 4 main islands of Japan

Shouri (Kuroo): I think of rivals.  I’m from Osaka.  This might just be me, but I think everyone who lives in Osaka is always aware of Tokyo. (laughs) If anyone in Osaka is reading this and disagrees, I’m sorry.  I say that but I live in Tokyo now. (laughs) But I haven’t forgotten my Kansai dialect!!  Most of my jokes are in Kansai dialect.  Actually I don’t know any jokes that aren’t in Kansai dialect.  (laughs) I’m usually in the role of the idiot, but I don’t know if that’s because I’m from Osaka or because that’s just my personal character, but I can usually get a lot of laughs.  Tokyo has the highest population in all of Japan, and the highest number of people who aim to move up in the entertainment industry.  It’s in this city where I’ll aim for a Kondou Shouri Revolution!  Everyone, please count on me!!

Naoki (Kai): Tokyo Tower.  I know that now we have the Tokyo Skytree which is even taller than Tokyo Tower, but when I was a kid, Tokyo Tower was the tallest building and I thought it was cool.  It’s red and it stands out the most.  I always thought about how I wanted to go up it, and I have this memory of not using the elevator and just doing my best up those stairs with my little brother and getting super tired.  The view from up above is amazing, but I personally like the sight of the tower from below.  

Takeru (Yaku): I think about the Tokyo Olympics in 2020. When I’m walking through the city, it feels like all of Tokyo is super excited because the Olympics are now going to be next year, and it’s sort of fun.  It really is an honor to have an event like the Olympics, which are only done once every four years, in the city where you live.  ...is what my answer is but there’s also a part of me that associates Tokyo with Nekoma...

Bishin (Yamamoto): A metropolis... that has anything and everything, where people live every day like it’s a festival.  I came from Hyogo, so at first I was shocked by just the sheer amount of people.  I thought, literally everyone in Japan gathers in Tokyo.  Even if that’s not strictly true. (laughs)

Ryuuya (Fukunaga): The very first thing that came to my mind was the amount of people.  Whether you’re riding the train or just walking through the city... there’s just so many people!  I’m originally from Chiba, I’m right next door across the river, but there are still a lot of people in my hometown.  There are always people around you, and sometimes that makes me a little anxious, since personally I definitely like more quiet, peaceful areas.  After that... high-rise buildings!  Like Tokyo Tower or Tokyo Skytree, wherever you are in Tokyo, there are skyscrapers!  The first time I passed by the Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building, I cried out without realizing it as I was looking up!

Noah (Lev): When I hear “Tokyo,” I probably think about a metropolis first.  And then after that, I think about how two years have passed since I came to Tokyo from Kansai.  Ever since I entered the entertainment industry two years ago, a lot has happened. I got to be Lev in “Summer of Evolution,” which was my first acting role, and I’m grateful that I get to reprise the role.

Fuuta (Shibayama): I think about “going to the capital!”  I moved to Tokyo from Kyoto last April, and I remember how everything I looked at in Tokyo felt so new and unusual when I first arrived.  The most surprising thing was when I’d go to charge my IC card, and the machines just automatically respond just from you putting your card in!  In Kyoto there’s no such thing. (laughs)  So I decided to meet this strange Tokyo head-on for the next year.  On the other hand, as I get used to Tokyo little by little, I also miss the Kansai dialect I had for so long.

Yuna (Akane): If you say Tokyo, then you think “metropolis.”  I have this image of tall buildings and people in suits hurriedly walking every which way.  It feels like time passes faster.  I’m an easygoing person, so I get frantic trying not to get left behind in that speedy flow of time. (laughs) That and places like Harajuku and Shin-Okubo have all sorts of cultures intermingling, so they leave a very colorful impression! I feel like they’re places where people who have all sorts of different ways of thinking can coexist!

Kaede (Alisa): If you say Tokyo, I think of Tokyo Tower!  I haven’t gone since my middle school field trip, but as I write Tokyo, it really does pop into my head.  Also, I got to see the Tokyo Skytree for the very first time up-close since moving here to Tokyo.  The area around it has so much shopping, it’s very fun!  I was shocked because I was walking through the historical Asakusa to get there. A place where history and the present day blend together, “Tokyo,” what a fun place!  I didn’t go to the top of Skytree, so I’d like to challenge myself to do that next time.

=====

Q2: Please share your thoughts for “The Tokyo Battle.”  What’s something you’re looking forward to?

Takato (Kenma): I think that we have to put on a show that’s unlike any Engeki Haikyuu we’ve ever done before. And because this tour is something that everyone on Nekoma has wanted since back during “Karasuno, Revival!” I have to say again how truly happy we are.  Actually, I’ve never once been filmed on the live cameras, so I’m going to appear on one this time!!! (laughs)*

*He does a couple times, but my personal favorite is when he’s getting super annoyed at Lev and making that ugly pissed-off expression and we get a nice live camera projection of Takato’s face pulling that off lol

Shouri (Kuroo): For us on Nekoma, our main wish was to be able to do the Tokyo prefectural qualifier matches. We’ve been aiming for these matches ever since “Karasuno, Revival!”  And we feel more pressure than ever before.  But we have our teammates and the other cast members and everyone on the staff whom we can rely on.  There’s nothing to be afraid of.  Actually, I’m excited.  I’m trembling with excitement!!  That and this tour of Engeki Haikyuu is a new step forward for the production.  I’m very happy to be able to be a part of such an important show.  And this show is, without exaggeration, only possible because of everyone who came to see us.  All of us in the company are going to work hard so that everyone who loves Engeki Haikyuu will love it even more!!  Please look forward to it!!

Naoki (Kai): This will be the first Engeki Haikyuu without Karasuno, but we’re going to connect to all of the ideas and memories and experience that they built up, and I hope that we can put on an Engeki Haikyuu that only Nekoma could pull off.  We’re going to always keep in mind those original intentions, and use up more energy than we think we have.  

Takeru (Yaku): It’s finally here! I think that’s what everyone on Nekoma is thinking.  The first time where Nekoma will the main characters... Nekoma as the main characters! Everyone on Karasuno have always been the ones to pull us along all this time, but we’ve carefully taken the baton from them, and now we want to present a passionate, fun Engeki Haikyuu that surpasses even them.  For me personally, I’m looking forward to the friendship between the third-years, and my position as a senpai to Shibayama and Lev... what can I do except be excited for our Nekoma drama?  

Bishin (Yamamoto): It’s the first play with Nekoma as the main characters.  I want to carefully connect to all of the emotions and memories of this world that Karasuno passed onto us.  And I want to brainstorm together with everyone about how we’ll evolve our Nekoma-specific movements and our performance and come up with new ideas.

Ryuuya (Fukunaga): I was able to see the previous shows, and the first thing that shocked me was the incredible athleticism!  There was a part of me that was worried about my own stamina, but more than that, all of the acting, the projections, the music were all so clean and original that when I thought about how I would get to stand on this stage, I was super super excited!  I’ve been bodybuilding in preparation for the tour, because I want to be in perfect condition!  I want everyone who comes to see it to be satisfied with the show, and to that end I will do my utmost as Fukunaga Shouhei, and also make sure to have fun!

Noah (Lev): I’m happy about being able to reprise the role, but at the same time I do have my concerns.  But I’m happy to be able to do this show with such fun teammates.  During “Summer of Evolution” I was nervous all the way until the very last show (laughs), but as I continued to play Lev, the nerves eased up bit by bit, and I’d like to be able to improve my performance from before.  I still have a long way to go in my acting, but please give your support for Haiba Lev and for Ishikura Noah!

Fuuta (Shibayama): For this show, I have the privilege of joining Nekoma High as a new member, and I didn’t know left from right, but all of my kind senpai would take my hands and legs and teach me anything and everything!! I want to be able to show a leveled up Nekoma that people haven’t seen yet.  As Shibayama!  As a libero!  I’ll connect that ball!  I’ll make those connections with my teammates!  So that the brain can work at its best!  I’ll circulate that oxygen!  This is the last big production of my teen years!  I’m going to do my best!

Yuna (Akane): When I got to see the previous production, I was so impressed and captivated by how they danced and moved to represent playing volleyball, I now want our movements to impress everyone in the audience too!  I want to show them something they could only experience with “The Tokyo Battle” and make sure to imprint this show into everyone’s hearts!  Osaka, Miyagi, Tokyo, I want to create wonderful memories with everyone that we’ll meet in these places!  I’m really looking forward to cheering on Nekoma’s fights together with everyone in the audience!!

Kaede (Alisa): This play features Nekoma as the main characters, and I’m really looking forward to the acting and the Nekoma dance, but personally I’m really looking forward to going to Miyagi for the first time!  The land of Haikyuu!  Will there be yummy things to eat?  I wonder what sights I’ll see just walking through its streets?  I get excited thinking about it.  I’d like to also be able to eat delicious food in Osaka and give my all for the tour!  But I think the thing I’m looking forward to the most is being able to meet everyone reading this pamphlet as Alisa.  Pleased to meet you.  From on-stage and from the seats, let’s cheer on Nekoma together!  

=====

Translation by @nimbus-cloud Please do not repost my scans or translations

If you appreciate the work I do for this blog and want to support my translation efforts, please consider donating a ko-fi! (x)

[gentleroads]

The Sun, The Moon, and The Ocean

Story: The Seven Heirs of Ophaesia

Rating: Mature, for suggestive scenes & euphemisms

Word count: 4,690

Disclaimer: Most of @fantasyfawkes’ story canon might be heavily skewed to fit narrative purposes. Motives are ambiguous at best. All recognizable elements belong to Bee! Only Selinys is my heirsona for the game :’)

(Poem used is by Nancy Boutilier, “On the Eighth Day Adam Slept Alone: New Poems”)

For @manghhos, who asked me to indulge the both of us months back. Thank you, always, for your support!! <333

-

You meet him when you’re seven and he’s eight.

According to your servants, it was his own suggestion to come meet you. He was curious, they insisted, to meet the princess so close in age to him. You held little hope he wouldn’t share the same thoughts as the other noble children and decide he enjoyed your presence best in your absence.

But maybe this boy would be kinder. Maybe you would get along. He chose your company; this difference was encouraging. Something small in you wishes you would even end up liking each other.

On the day of his arrival, the parlor is decorated with little cakes and several of your favorite books at the ready. The storybook in your lap enthralls you—the gilded leaves delicate in your small hands, vivid paints and promises of heroism, its cover a green so rich it matches your eyes—so much so you jolt when the door opens, and nearly drop it in your haste to rise and meet your guest.

Vesperion Verathae is nothing more than a wisp of a boy, pale and lean with lion hair. He towers over you, as everyone does, and barely bothers with a pleasant pretense before dropping it completely.

“Princess Selinys,” he greets. “I see the rumors about you aren’t true at all. You might not, in fact, be the greatest mockery of Ophaesia.” He grins, forked tongue flicking out. “No; you are somehow much worse.”

Within mere seconds, you have nearly forgotten all seven years of the etiquette training Sister Elesyth had impressed upon you. This boy has hardly stepped foot in the room. He has hardly even looked at you. It is a powerful effort to ignore his rise and execute a curtsy.

Unimpressed, his features twist from boy to beast, reminding you of the villains in the fairytales you regularly devour. The beast wastes no time on returning a bow, sweeping out as quickly as he swept in. Once the doors click shut, however, you allow yourself to glower. But sadness briefly floods in, heavy and wet, before the strength of anger overrules it. Why had you expected anything different this time?

Forget liking him. You call him a monster.

–

When you later tell your mother about meeting Vesperion, you expect her to defend you like she had done against your king-father. Instead, she stiffens up—her mouth a straight line—before her gaze turns sympathetic.

“He’s hurt,” your mother explains too calmly. “He lost his aunt a few years ago and hasn’t yet recovered from it. You didn’t do anything wrong, my darling. People react to hurt in their own ways.”

But you’re hurt too. You had only met him today—you did nothing wrong. 

Or so you believed. The lack of reproach in her voice hollows out a hole in your belly, fosters a tightness in your throat you struggle to swallow past. She mentioned he had lost his aunt.

If your mother also quietly warns against meeting him again, you haven’t been listening.

—

Her words echo in your mind like a nearly dried well: if you were lost, where would you want to be found?

You gingerly trace a finger over the deep ink of the Southern mountains. Sister Elesyth had briefly mentioned House Verathae ruling over the warmer half of Ophaesia, gentle in heat and hugged by the coast. But when you close your eyes and try to imagine something you have only heard about in story, they are no less abstract than before: salty air stinging your lungs, burying feet beneath rough sand, and crashing waves like thunder at the end of summer.

Ophaesia is so much bigger than you had first believed it to be. If Vesperion’s aunt had left the capital to remain home, then it wasn’t an impossible feat. And who could blame her for homesickness? Flowers did not bloom in places with no light.

You pick up a quill, several inkwells and parchment nearby, resolute more than ever.

–

None of the staff knew of your plans, so it’s a particular triumph when you find him on your own.

Vesperion sits beneath one of the great trees in the palace gardens, surrounded by flowers deep in bloom. He alternates between marveling at the fields and furiously scribbling into a small, leather-bound journal. A bronze lock curls above his furrowed brow and lessens his severity; he is as young as you are again. A child. Under the soft light of the tree, he no longer resembles the fearsome beast from before.

The collective perfume of countless flowers together is nearly heady enough to disorient anyone. You concentrate on keeping a firm clasp behind your back, yet can’t resist running a final, cautious hand over the scrolled parchment. When you stop just within the dark outline of the tree, the fantasy of his surely tearful apology becomes appealingly lifelike.

“There you are, Vesperion!”

He startles, peering up at you before violently shoving his book underneath his legs. You attempt a placating smile and clear your throat.

“I heard your aunt was lost,” you carefully recite. “My family can’t visit me either, but it’s an awful thing to happen. I did my best to read more about her. And your family. My books say she’s lovely, so I wanted to help you find her again.”

You reveal what you’ve been hiding: a map handmade for him with a neat, red trail from your home province to his in full view. You poke at the circle at the base of the mountains.

Here.

There is an expression on Vesperion’s face you don’t know how to describe. Is he confused by what you mean with this? Your palms sweat.

“Sister… Sister Elesyth told me the Maeliahs were powerful; w–we can help you. With their influence, I’m sure my mother will—”

Laugh. Vesperion’s head is thrown back into the trunk of the tree, sharp howls wringing from his throat.

You falter at his unexpected reaction. The map crinkles in warning as you fumble for the comfort words you had rehearsed. His laughter stops. He rises to his feet, towering over you as everybody does, and you step back instinctively, protectively, out of the cover of the tree, and feel so impossibly tiny.

“Are you daft, Your Highness? Did the Maeliahs truly influence you to keep your ignorance? No,” he snarls, anger too big for a child to contain. His golden eyes are as fierce as his words. “My aunt was Queen Alapharen, the woman your mother murdered.”

–

There had hardly been the feeling of the map being crushed in your grip, seeing red as your knuckles turned white. Though you were gawking with wide eyes, you had barely registered the flash of movement between your faces; Vesperion narrowly dodging as your fist had struck air.

Everything past that accusation, all the denials and defenses you must have screeched, is a blur as you escape to your room and land before the cold hearth. Pushing aside the firewood, you take a final look at the tattered map of Ophaesia—the very act of goodwill you labored over before he decided to blatantly lie to your face with such an awful, treasonous lie—and frown at the meticulous outline of the Verathaes’ province.

After dinner that evening, you feign a chill and quietly ask a servant to light the fireplace. They don’t notice when you stay nearby to watch an edge of the map burn bright.

–

No one told you how Alapharen was lost, exactly. By then it didn’t even matter how.

But pride would not allow you to apologize; he had still hurt you first. In your eyes, the two of you were even now. This did not mean you would try to like him again.

—

Despite what the fairytales promise, the villainous boy does not transform into a more endearing version of himself years later. Then, as if to always disagree with you, he does.

Your childhood promise must have been misheard by the heavens. For only under the exhaustion of all-evening socialization, and dancing, and just a bit of wine could confuse you the way you felt now.

From a distance, sadly, he seems almost alluring.

Although you had shared a childhood within the palace grounds, the realization that he might actually be… attractive… builds in you only now, steadily, and gives you pause beneath the ballroom lights. Glittering courtiers continue to twirl around you, whirling to a fever the band sets, but you have eyes only for the red, red tunic leaning so casually against a far wall.

Vesperion is tall and athletically built, his time on the training fields boasting success. He never failed to mock you over your characteristically Maeliah stature growing up—a surefire way to irk you when also keeping your latest novel hostage an arm’s length overhead—but at the moment the clear height difference only sends an appreciative thrill through you.

None of the other courtier boys burned gold beneath the chandelier flame, the lord you danced with earlier certainly did not, but he proved it was quite possible to do so. Through the haze, Vesperion glows.

Vesperion also leans in close to the spymaster’s son, Kyrisen, and smirks teasingly when it causes him to chuckle. It is an innocuous enough scene, merely two lords chatting, but you have lived among conspirators for too long and your eyes are too skilled to ignore the picture they detail: Vesperion’s slow tilt of the head as Kyrisen swallows wine, the latter’s shoulders angled towards his company, and both inching a hint closer than what is acceptable—socially.

Few lords and ladies do amble up to and dismiss themselves from the pair, but they all remain oblivious to what is happening right in front of them. The amorous two only grow more huddled as the event goes on, thoughtless actions becoming bolder, and soon make their disappearance from the room entirely.

Their lasting image anchors something foul within you.

Damn the backlash. You down the flute you’ve been holding all night and slip into the hallway after them. Noise still reaches where you trek, but it only adds to the gloomy atmosphere when combined with the dwindling number of courtiers. Anything beyond the ballroom never interested you enough to explore growing up, so it comes as no surprise when you ultimately lose your bearings. There are no people in this part of the palace. You are alone.

Silence normally soothes you, but this stillness feels wrong somehow, taboo. The minute lead you were following has long gone cold.

Something within you festers.

The hallway you find yourself in is beautiful and lifeless, matching the rest of the palace. An abrupt wave of dizziness racks over you and you catch yourself against a wall; you have never been able to hold your drink very well. For once, you can safely slump to the floor and lean back against what feels like a tapestry.

Many of the tapestries here appear darker than the ones decorating your siblings’ and your own rooms, and your mind lazily draws comparisons between them and the recollections in your history texts. The needleworks depict God-Touched legends in the heat of battle, divine halos illuminating fatal wounds that stain the ground.

Something within you festers.

The longer you regard the imagery, the more fanatic your daydreams become. The latest one to conjure forces you to blink away from all artwork in sudden horror as victory is claimed in war: when Vesperion’s hands, tangled in Kyrisen’s red, red curls, come away thick like blood.

You barely make it to a potted plant before you lose your dinner.

But the awful feeling, the one you cannot name, continues to linger within you for weeks afterwards.

–

When he’s with his partner, he never thinks of you. You had never thought of him before, but now you wish that were still true.

Stacks of books grow haphazardly around the floor of your private study. During one of your mother’s irregular visits, she had joked that you might have been trying to wall yourself in. You merely smiled in response.

With no distractions, you remember how to enjoy your own company uninterrupted by matters of the court. If the two lords were rarely even seen together, then that empty fact did not reach you. Textbook kingdoms of old never worried about sunlit boys, they worried for safety and prosperity. Even in your fantasies, long after their ruin, you could give that to them.

In record time, the treaties drafted are enough to leave you dizzy; even more fill the gaps of the barricade and fill yourself with your own sort of light.

Until you see him again—after the rare whispers of his partner die out into nothing—and hope strikes inside like flint to a forest floor.

—

It’s startling just how often you notice him around the palace after that; up until then you believed you hardly crossed paths. But whether in the gardens, by the kitchens, or lounging in a music room, he is there, floating around the margins like a dust mote in your vision.

He speaks easily with other nobles. It is unnerving how, even with distant tones, he is more polite than he’s ever given you the courtesy of.

Did the discovery of his beauty make you feel a right to claim him? Make you willing to believe any new discoveries to be made of him were yours to claim only? Were you as shallow as the court then to like him only on appearance? Shallow enough to ignore your families’ and your shared histories?

And how was it possible for you to have given something so much, yet so little thought?

It is thoughtless then when your feet lead you to the training fields. Even more thoughtless to find him an easy target with his flaming hair accompanying his quick footwork. Thoughtless to watch how his shirt stretches over the blades of his back and sticks to him with sweat, to have your enjoyment grow even more.

Vain Naphenia. Stubborn Naphenia.

How was it possible for you to have given someone so much thought? What would your families say?

Perhaps it was a trick of the sun, but he might’ve finally caught sight of you. He might’ve even given you a knowing look. The pleasant feeling fluttering in your gut does not discriminate, but it does prevent you from calling out to him. You duck your head as you feel your cheeks warm.

Since when have you ever paid attention to the gossip about yourself before?

–

It is easy enough to seek him out, but you are still careful to meet him without an audience. Deserted rooms and library alcoves become familiar settings, but your favorite rendezvous might always be the gardens. There you could press so closely together you’re able to catch his scent: thick like the beginning of summer, yet sweetened by the scent of grass.

There is nothing new in the way he aggravates and provokes you, in the way you insult him back, but the situation has changed. Your arguments rile the other in a different way now. Soon it becomes habit to tell him of your day and all the trials in court. He already knows of most of them. He begins to share his own, gradually, unprompted. You haven’t heard of those.

When you look at him in those moments, it is still sometimes strange to reconcile the child-villain you thought you knew with the Vesperion you learn about now.

—

“I violently disagree. Most fairytale romances lack pith.”

Vesperion skips another rock across the lake’s surface, focusing on the number of ripples he produces. It is a picturesque day late in spring, with sparse clouds and a heat that only tints the plants more vividly. Flower petals drift onto your lap where you sit underneath a tree’s cool branches.

“Not so,” you declare. “Humans lack many things, but not love. And love is best delivered through story. While some may view it as childish, rather than be limited to a single person like verse, it manages to apply itself to many others.”

You brush a few petals out of the binding of your storybook and attempt to judge his reaction. “I know it must be hard for you, but can you please try to imagine romance without the ache? Imagine a desire that ends the yearning, to end happily ever after. And it’s—it’s powerful, this emotion that drives someone to write.”

“False. I don’t need to imagine what ends the aching. Happily ever after’s a myth.” His arm whips forward and ripples stretch the lake.

“How so? I thought everyone wanted someone to like them that way.”

Another toss. He scoffs. “Is that all you want, Selinys, to merely be ‘liked’?” Toss. “Wouldn’t you rather choose to be worshipped? To be thought of religiously?” Ripple.

An old vision of his partner rears up as if bitterly summoned. “Is that how you feel when writing poetry about your beloved?”

Vesperion curses mid-fling and glances at you with a startled look. You can’t meet his eyes.

But before you can twist the knife in deeper, he marches into the shade of your tree, drops down to his knees, and crawls until his body covers yours. All thoughts of him disappear as the proximity forces your gaze and the muscles in your body freeze. Vesperion has dark lashes long enough to kiss his cheeks.

He leans in. His breath tickles your nape. The smooth purr by your ear makes the grip on your book tighten.

“‘No field, no forest, no leaf, no blade can catch the light or trap the shade; no earthly tones will ever rise to match the green enchantment of her eyes.’”

With one verse you were convinced: if all declarations were so persuasive, you were surprised any other form would be given.

You gape as he pushes back, yet stays close. There are a dozen lights shifting in his amber eyes. They were of burnished metal. Your favorite tea. Have they always been so beautiful?

In your fairytales, this would be the part where he confesses his love to the princess and they have all of forever to themselves. So when Vesperion’s mischievous expression softens, and his eyes drop to the curve of your lips, and his head tilts in a certain direction, you would later forgive yourself for your lack of breath, for not remembering to move away, for relishing in his attentions beneath lowered lids and waiting so patiently with mouth parted open. For never doubting his next intentions. You would forgive yourself for continuing to want him looking at you this way. You would forgive him, too.

Even when he chooses to stand up then, and his soft look disappears, and he chooses not to kiss you.

–

“Look what I’ve found, Vespi. Your favorite: a book of poetry!”

Ignoring his annoyed sigh at the nickname, you drop beside him and flip to your bookmark. His routine whine over how your Maeliah voice was “too sing-songy to truly capture all of a poem’s refinery” goes unheard. If his niece had decided your voice was perfect for storytime, then it was also fit for reading aloud to him.

Besides, he refuses to answer the taunts of what he believed made certain poetry beautiful—and where he found that verse with green eyes, the color unmatched by anything on earth.

A few pages in, like tradition, you notice how he never asks you to stop talking.

–

Both of you had poured over military strategies late into the day, a nervous temper claiming you two as the war drew near, and it was here on the floor of your private study you awoke, body close to his, where you both laid sprawled. Some time into the study session, Vesperion had pushed forward his tome and yanked a cushion beneath him. A hand lays still in the space between you.

As expected of most nobles, his skin appears smooth, with long, graceful fingers better fit for a musician than a swordsman. You lean on an elbow and turn his palm skyward. In a different culture, the lines in one’s hands mapped out their life given by the gods. In this culture, all you’re able to see is the cool blue of his veins. You delicately trace a finger over the roughened skin covering his fingertips; they’re distinct from your familiar softness. Warmer, too.

A slight bump sits at the base of one of his nail beds: a particular callus often seen on the hands of your teachers. Vesperion’s beloved journal flashes through your mind—with its loose pages sticking out from the binding—and you bite back a giggle.

Not a musician. A scribe.

Vesperion cracks open an eye. You watch the sun rise twice in a day. Raspy and thick with sleep, his voice is no less amused. “If Her Highness admires my hands so much, I would be more than pleased to show her exactly what my fingers can do.”

You can no longer hide your laughter. Redness tints his cheeks. He makes to stand, but you cling to his hand and tug him back to the floor. Without much thought, you straddle him. He groans.

“As much as I enjoy our heated debates, I must confess that I truly enjoy this kind of heat even more.” A teasing grin breaks across your face. “More so when it leaves you without words. What are your fingers capable of?”

In the shuffle and due to sleep, loose waves of hair had fallen dark into your eyes. Vesperion is wide awake and his eyes nearly match the color, the black of his pupils drowning out the iris.

Still, you grip your joined hands close.

So it is with great ease when he gently withdraws to reach up and tuck your hair back behind your ear in answer. But then he continues down, tracing the path of your jaw, and curls a finger underneath your chin. Nearly pressed against your lips there, as if nothing could be more natural, you kiss the joint of his closest knuckle.

Homage. The study’s window is tall and clear. It is a simple, sacred pleasure to watch as the sun paints his skin golden. Longing bubbles up like the stars in champagne.

His hands fall to your hips, but he chooses not to end this. Warmth bleeds through the fabric of your dress, burning you from the edges, filling you with an animal light. Old habits, faint childhood habits, tell you to turn away from this man. They insist upon retaliation; history will be repeated. This story will end with the Maeliah princess lost to the beast.

But one parting of his lips has you dreaming of what beautiful poetry must taste like—if only he’d allow you to devour his voice, to swallow the words he spoke.

Your palms spread upon the hard swell of his chest, feel the constant rhythm beneath the silk. There’s a sensation of drowning.

“I want to kiss you. So badly.”

Vesperion glows. “Then kiss me.”

You devour him.

A complete collection of fairytale kisses could not entirely capture this feeling. No other soul has ever been a firebrand scorching leather. Nor had another ever experienced this low, unraveling coil inside. Every inhale fills with the heat of summer beginning. His mouth opens under yours, wanting and taking, and his breathing sounds harsh in your ears. You melt into one.

So this is how Icarus must’ve felt, you muse, when he finally touched the sun.

—

Ysonia stands at your bedroom window. It is late evening, with her silhouette against the fading warmth of the sunset, and no one announces her. How long has your mother been waiting there for you? She turns when she catches your reflection in the glass; you run to embrace her.

“Mother, you’re here! Forgive me for not properly receiving you; I wasn’t aware you had arrived.”

Her voice is as light as bells as she playfully nudges you. “Please, Selinys, I don’t need to forgive you for that. Oh, it’s been too long since I’ve last seen you. Have you been well?”

“As well as can be, Mother.”

“And you’ve continued your studies? There are no tricks against you?”

“None of the sort, Mother.”

“Good, you’re much too intelligent for them anyway.” She smooths down the waving hair on the crown of your head. Neither her voice nor expression hint at her next words. “The young Verathae lord truly has not hurt you, then.”

Ice racks through your body. “You already… you know of us?”

Ysonia smiles. “Though I am queen, I am your mother first. I listen for news of you always.” She places a hand on your cheek, tender. “And the right people have many things to say. Wrong ones, too, if you’re not careful. Please listen, my darling. There can only be heartbreak if you continue to pursue the Verathae—your Vesperion.” The waiver is light. Almost not there. She holds you with control so steady it is not in you to turn aside. The contrasting pain in her eyes could have been overlooked. “Have faith in my words. I cannot bear to see you do this to yourself.”

Vain Naphenia. Stubborn Naphenia.

A foreign hand moves to take hers in its own, to move the clasp tightly between you two. Your hands fall apart. Half of your heart tears to follow the disconnect.

“I’ll be your daughter always. But I cannot so eagerly leave him. For this choice of mine, Mother… look away.”

—

He manages to swiftly find you in the darkness and kisses you in greeting. Familiarizing himself with your taste, though there is nothing else to learn. Your parents could promise you to anyone else and you would not reach this same ruination. You pull away, smooth down the brocade on his chest in thought.

“If my father wanted me out of the way, why didn’t he just send me you?” Ysonia’s concerns become buried, lost. Vesperion’s confusion is almost upsetting.

“My engagement. The king gave my hand to a lord from a land far from here; perhaps to get me out of the way. It’s the end of it for him and his troubles, but... perhaps not yet. I’m not going to marry the people’s champion.”

Your mouth is kiss-swollen and numb— 

“Happily ever after is real.”

—yet the words declare themselves as loud as fanfare.

“And I’ve found him. We don’t need the formal courtship, not if it’s you. Run away with me.”

Even as you’ve shared your lives together, the look on his face is unfamiliar. But you know the tilt of his mouth hiding a grin, and in his eyes you would always recognize the stars. How many times would you be able to count this exact reaction in the years to come? This is happiness reborn.

Vesperion holds one of your hands in his, rubs a thumb across your knuckles. Wraps your arm around his shoulders and uses the motion to draw you against him. Your head lays under his jaw and you listen to the rhythm in his chest.

“As much as you love believing your thoughts are correct, Selinys, we’re not actually skipping right to the marriage. None of those dates were merely practice.”

Vain Naphenia. Stubborn Naphenia. You had been thanking the wrong god all this time.

You laugh. By the time the sun rises over the kingdom again, the two of you are already gone.

—

Love me and leave me not.

–

There are a dozen candles in your shared room to normally allow reading in bed. Tonight, however, the light only aids in outlining lips traveling further—lower, lower, lower—down your line of sight. Your breathing is heavy, your mind miles away, yet your grip on bronze curls grounds you in contrast.

What spills from your mouth is not any previous nickname, but one just as shared between you—as much as love, as much as life.

Lover.

You breathe it out like prayer.

Lover, lover, lover.

[END]

[thevoiceinbuckyshead]

What Mother Wants

Bound Within My Heart: Chapter 24 Snippet...(Almost ready)

“They’re fucking aren’t they?” Gieta Sokolov stating a fact resigned, disguised as a question, no expectation of an answer.

The Widow’s mumble unrestrained not fitting her training. A life lived ordered precise, fulfilling her duties, submission not needing a brain erased of home and past and love.  A soul subverted by words spoken insidious, warping a mind’s fragile balance, weighing options poor to worse. Her younger self, ages past, not having wide options, steps falling practical on a path clear laid if not a child’s first choice.

Hope and love and needs wrapped precious imagined; silk cloth, locked box, key buried in a place only privy to her knowledge, deep within a psyche warped cruel. Wants secreted away in a soul not yet lost, a heart still beating for a life beyond her service. Dreams languishing ignored over years, subverted, beaten down by a life indentured; choices made times over until having a choice became forgotten.

Mother’s glimpse of a future lost dreams embrace, faint light, barely-there; grasped desperate rekindled when the Soldier reappeared in her cell. Odds thin, fading black, last second before a mind slipped muddled across the edges of her grief.

The train ride affording time for thoughts turned inward, Sokolov stirring events with wants slights perceived with real, delusions woven intricate with truth. An ember sparked minuscule in a chest long cold, Sokolov’s hope reignited that day; Bucky entering her world, awash in green and snow and a mat laid sparse. The Soldier’s dragged steps reluctant, still there; eyes wary, still brazen enough to match her gaze; body near, touch possible not cringed or held distant across a threshold. Her clinging irrational to a fact seen imperfect; Bucky choosing, free-will, seeking her out, not empty of his past, his love for another not wiped aside with shocks and guttural screams. Her Soldat coming home.

That morning in her prison bringing hope; Mother’s hand reaching out, brush to a chest, an arm, commanding, demeaning, known expected between a handler and her charge. A heart wanting more, intimate need hidden. Dared to escape mind’s imagined silken restraint to flutter delicate into a light dim, ember’s glow of feelings unrequited. Gentler touch held in secret longing.

Sokolov’s memory conjuring a night months earlier, Bucky in a cell concrete cold, her stun prod stealing his consciousness. A hand laid clandestine to a chest nearly bare, a pulse thrilling erratic imagined for her, their past. A reward for her protection over the years; a heart beating for Mother.

Musings existential, uncharacteristic, flirting chaotic with an old woman’s sanity. Dissipating barely there, thin smoke scurried nonexistent on the breeze with the sharp stab of fingers dug forceful to her flesh. Last image to slip unattainable, gray eyes watching her devout; only to stray beyond her gaze, distant singular focus on a man, a friend, a lover, his Captain.  

Sokolov’s body jerked forward, breaking the dream, rattling mind’s comfort in hopes never fated to exist, leaving a gut filled resentment bitter cold. An ache twisting dark roots deeper, defensive growl, “Soldat is a fool. We should have castrated him years ago.”

Natasha’s thumb buried deeper into flesh, pinpoint precise; trigger the burn spreading fired down nerves, encouraging steps reluctant. The Widow’s low hiss, faint twitch her acknowledgment, retribution understood if not accepted. Natasha’s answer flirting at the edge of her tongue; restraint urging caution, irritation winning out, words murmured near Sokolov’s ear, “You seem preoccupied with his sex life. Why is that?”

A tone heard cutting deeper than expected, Sokolov stopping abrupt, maimed hand quick wrapping Natasha’s wrist, gnarled fingers surprising strength, challenging her hold. Close quarters allowing a view too near, Red Room reminiscent, anger brimming beneath dark eyes telling a story guarded. Confrontation rapid escalating, the grapple sharp, jerked, staggered steps circled tight bound in a space too small, rattling both.

Bodies trained for ages, tensed match, the Widow’s twist of Natasha’s wrist shooting pain at breaking point’s edge. A fist lodged abrupt to a spot tender beneath a sternum, debilitating blow paused a fraction. Blue glow of a stun discreet buried against ribs; Natasha staying concessionary. Mother poised, quick deceptive for age and frail appearance; balanced feet and weight. Their grappling jostled by train’s movement, a fight appearing deceptive like a dance steadying.

Sokolov’s face close, lines drawn visible despite shadowed light, words spewed menacing low, “What he does is my business. He belongs to me. Not the Captain, not you. Certainly not to himself. He is mine, my life’s work. He will do what I say. Go where I say. He will kill who I say. And --- he will fuck who I say he can.” An answer blurted hard, rage’s spittle dangled revealing on a lip thin-white. A truth not meant to be given life beyond her head; not here, not shared with an underling, a Widow traitor to their calling. Emotions chasing across features snapped anger morphing brief vulnerable. Shaken by the slip, the Widow letting a mask reserved claim cheek and brow and eye’s crease. Not quick enough to hide from Natasha’s gaze.

“This isn’t the time or place for this. Do you agree?” Natasha speaking near, the Widow not disagreeing in words or expression. Gaze shifting from Sokolov’s eyes to crippled fingers wrapping her wrist; back again. A telling stare, message clear.

The Widow not missing the look, warning read. Churning disdain expressed from pore and eyes and muscle. Furrowed brow smoothing, a mouth’s tight line relaxed. Sokolov hearing an echo of her voice, admission’s tone and depth not meant to be revealed. Features setting back into a stillness blank. Fingers grip slow-release, jacket straightened pristine, wisp of hair tucked neat, hand deformed hidden in a pocket. Time spent extravagant for her, for a Widow from her time and calling. A heart’s secret spilled inadvertent.

One Widow watching another, close study sized equal. Natasha holding remarks in check, grip firm on a shoulder redirecting, their pace picking up through the car, heading for the next and next. Worry tickling neck’s hair to rise at revelations, heard clear, reading tics and tone and the grief of feelings unrequited.

Natasha’s mutter covered by train’s noise and space, arm extended forcing Sokolov ahead, not wanting her to hear, “Rogers, we really need to talk.” A sigh groused quiet, “And Barnes. As much as I want to have your back; take this with a grain of salt. Your plan? You’re out of your mind.”

[ifyoucouldholdme]

Brave Angel

Words: 2735

Read on AO3

Bill had a collection of journals. It began with a large lined composition notebook from his little brother, Georgie.  The cardboard cover, ornamented with a menagerie of sailboat stickers and blue stars drawn in crayon.

“It’s for you to keep track of all of those stories you tell me,” the boy had cheered when Bill tore away newspaper wrapping. Bill smiled softly in gratitude, but Georgie knew it was the perfect gift when he discovered that Bill had filled over half of the notebook over the following week.

That was the last present Georgie had given him before that summer. Before the sewers. Before It. While the pages were now yellowed and lovingly worn, the journal remained unfinished. Bill couldn’t bring himself to add to it, leaving it preserved in a time when that precious child still smiled, much as his parents had preserved his room in the years after.

So Bill bought more journals. Over the years, he amassed quite a collection of folios and notebooks. Leatherback, spiral-bound, handcrafted, and dollar store brand alike overflowed the shelves of his dorm in no particular order.

 “Damn Bill,” an already tipsy Richie whistled when he spotted the piles. “I know you’re a writer, but do we need to hold an intervention? Eds has been binge-watching Hoarders, so I’ve absorbed some stuff through osmosis.” Stan, gliding past the louder than usual Trashmouth, to the one and only actual chair in the room, threw him a “Beep, beep. This is Bill’s personal space, don’t be rude.” Bill shot him a grateful look. He absolutely adored Richie. Out of all the Losers, the lanky goofball understood him the best. He was even the first person that Bill spoke to after they lost Georgie. But it was nice to have Stan nearby, since he could maneuver Richie like no one else. Just a given glance and a soft spoken word was all that he needed to let Richie know when teasing was close to drifting into inadvertently cruel, and Bill admired about him. In fact, he admired more than Stan’s interpersonal skills.

The look had lasted long enough that Bill knew no one would believe him if he called it anything but a stare. Stan didn’t seem to mind though, smirking and sending an unexpected wink in reply.

           Bill’s breath caught in his chest. His fingers twisted knots into his bedspread. How could Stan not know the grip his existence alone had on the boy, much less such a gesture.

           “Have you thought that maybe he has so many journals because he wants to be an author?”

           “Well yeah,” Richie muttered, “but that’s a metric shit ton of books.” Bill chuckled softly at that. “I guess I do have quite a collection now. It’s mostly just fragments of stories and ideas.” That was only half true. Sure, some were just a place to dump the random assortment of thoughts and inspiration that he discovered throughout the day while others he reserved for more specific purposes.

           Stan gracefully swiveled around in the chair to face Bill, his gaze landing directly back into his own. “Have you ever thought about doing anything with them?” he inquired, absently toying a stray curl around his finger, on which Bill refused to fixate any further than he already had. As much as he tried to repress is growing infatuation with Stanley Uris, the author in him continued romanticize every little thing about him. He dreamt of those slender fingers intertwined with his. He yearned to wrap his arms around the boy and bury himself in that mop of autumn curls. An added touch, Stan had worn Bill’s favorite of his kippahs this day, sky blue to complement his somber eyes and embroidered with a small flock of turtle doves. Beautiful and swift, just like Stan.

           “Paging Big Bill! Hello?” Richie’s booming radio announcer voice, which had improved considerably since high school, blasted Bill back into the moment with an actually articulated, “Huh?”

           Richie, scrunching his brow a little in confusion said, “Stanny boy asked you something and you just stared at him.”

           Dammit Richie, shut up! Bill thought. Instead of shouting that and outing himself right then and there, he turned again to Stan. His gaze had not fallen, however Bill thought that there might have been a slightly rosier tint sprinkled across his normally pale cheeks. “Sorry St-Stan. What did you s-say?”

           “I asked if you planned to do anything with them. Like publish one or enter something in a contest. “Bill automatically reacted with a light scoff. “Nobody would want to publish those. I’m nowhere near good enough f-for that.”

           “Don’t do that, Bill.” Stan’s face wore a calculated blank expression, but he could see the dull frustration lingering just behind those glistening irises and the corner of his mouth. “You are more than you think.”

           He still disagrees, but he would do anything if it would make Stan happy, so he bites back any rebuttal.

           Richie, noticing the tension, jumps in to alleviate the energy hovering between the two. “ You ever show them to your professors? Maybe they could help you submit something to some creative writing shit or whatever.”

           Bill drops his head to stare now at his hands tracing invisible patterns in his bedspread.  “Except for G-Georgie, nobody ever cared enough to ask if they could read anything.” The silence that followed didn’t help the boulder he felt in his stomach.

           Richie didn’t even crack a joke, and he always had something to say regardless of the situation. Why didn’t Bill just agree and steer the conversation towards something less uncomfortable for the others? Maybe finding a party somewhere nearby or what all Richie had already drunk, or-

           “I’d like to read them.” Bill had never heard Stan’s voice so timid since they emerged from the sewers in their receding childhood. “I mean, if that’s ok,” Yes Stan, please, anything you want. “S-sure, Bill managed, “I g-guess so.” Richie leapt to the shelf with a “Hell yeah, man!” and grabbing the first few he saw, dropped onto the floor, fidgeting into the perfect reading position. Stan on the other hand, scanned through the books, tracing his fingers across every spine. The reddening light drifting in the only window outlined every contour of his face, even the pocked craters of scar tissue lining each side from temples to jawline. Normally he was acutely aware of these souvenirs left from that summer, actively avoiding his reflection and constantly rubbing the marks as if he tried hard enough then he could wipe them away like a splattering of mud. Today must have been one of his better days, because Bill had only caught him once briefly brush a small scar on his left cheek. Stan eventually settled on a small pocket journal, one filled with fragments of a fantasy novel Bill had attempted a year or two ago. The room hushed again, this time they welcomed the shared silence in amicable comfort.

             By night fall, they were still deep in the mass of Bill’s literary work. Richie lay upside down on the floor skimming through his fifth selection, pausing intermittently to give his commentary. Stan had finally finished the first journal, now absorbing a collection of short horror stories. Over time he had gradually moved to a new perch on the foot of Bill’s bed, his posture still as straight as if he had still been in the desk chair. Bill curled himself against the headboard with his favorite sketchpad. Stanley’s rapt expression and relaxed half smile had inspired him too much to ignore, plus he had the perfect match to the blue of Stan’s kippah in his pastel set. He wished every moment could be like this. Special peace spent with his oldest friend and his…crush? Or whatever he could call the boy in his bed. The boy on his bed. That realization forced him to slump behind his sketchpad. He would be mortified if Stan discovered the furious blush radiating from his cheekbones. “What the hell, Billiam?” Richie suddenly erupted from underneath a somewhat forgotten collection of Bill’s attempts at poetry, startling the other two from their silent focus. “You told me you were finally over Bev!” At this point Stan would inevitably see Bill’s flushed face, for now he grew even redder in embarrassment.

           “Yeah,” he growled through a clenched jaw, “and I also told you that in confidence.” He tried to glance silently to see Stan’s reaction, but that infamous Uris poker face was back. “Seriously Bill, writing a whole poem about how beautiful she is and wanting to protect her and never leave her and shit doesn’t sound like being over her.” What love poem was he talking about? Although he had fallen for Beverly when they first met, he never really wrote anything about her.

           “It’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” Stan interjected, “Beverly is definitely amazing.” His gaze held still, but there was a hint of something in his voice that Bill couldn’t quite comprehend. “You two would be good together.” His eyes stayed glued to the bed beneath them.

           “It’s much cheesier than I would’ve thought for a Denbrough original. Check it Stan, “ Richie continued then, putting on a voice he claimed as his Masterpiece Theater voice and read an excerpt.

 “My Brave Angel.

How can I show you what you mean

You hide your face

When all I want is to see your smile”

             Bill didn’t remember writing anything like this about her. He didn’t ever feel anything more than an adolescent infatuation with Bev or anyone. In fact, the only person he could say he ever truly loved was-

           “Here’s the part I don’t get,” Richie said in his own voice before jumping back into his recital,

 “When the doves rest in your hair

I wish that I could grow wings

Wrapped inside your autumn locks

I wish that I could live there.”

           Oh shit, THAT poem.

“But Bev doesn’t have curly hair, at the most it’s a little wavy, not like Stan’s frigging tumbleweed of a mop over there. That’s what curls look like Bill.” Richie jerks to a halt, the puzzle in his thoughts clicking together into the full image. For once, his words left him, his rant defaulting to a low, “uhhh…”

The boys tentatively look to Stan. “Oh please, let him not understand, “Bill futily prayed to God or the turtle or whomever was listening, “Please let him!”

Stan’s hand was timidly grazing the raised figures of the doves adorning his kippah, a dreadfully endearing braille.

“Shit, he understands.” Bill desperately wanted to deny everything, to say it was about a girl in his Bio lab, Ha ha Trashmouth, you’re too drunk to know what you’re talking about. Stan, isn’t he crazy? But his throat sealed shut and his tongue grew enormously heavy, just waiting for a laugh or sound or anything from Stan. He didn’t expect the trembling insecurity in their heartbreaking eyes or the wet trails slowly tracking down from them. Richie’s grown jumped to a buzzing hum upon seeing Stan’s tears. In a gangly mess of limbs, he leapt off the floor and with a frantic, “I need another drink,” bolted down the hall. Neither of the remaining two acknowledged the puzzled yells of “Shit, shit, shit, Eddie! I fucked up bad!”

They just sat on the bed, each unable to look the other in the eyes. Bill’s pulse drowned every other sound in his ears. He hates me now. He’s going to leave me behind and never speak to me again. Why do I have to write down every fucking feeling? “S-Stan. P-p-please say s-something” he managed despite his mouth repressing his words. He flinched as Stan met his gaze. Those beautiful eyes held even more of that undescriptive thing, forcing such an anxiety upon him as he hadn’t felt since the poor child disappeared into the mass of sewer pipes they’ve tried to repress.

“Is it true Bill?” Stan asked, his lips tight, but a barely noticeable tremor breaking through his voice. “Did you write this about me?”

Say no Bill. Say no and let him forget it. Dear God, I can’t lose him. Instead all of the fear and embarrassment and shame rushed up and vomited out in a frenzy of stutters and sobs. “I’m s-so sorry S-Stan. N-n-nobody ever r-reads my journals. S-so I thought it’d b-b-be s-safe. P-please d-don’t hate m-me.  I just l-like you s-so much, p-please d-d-d-don’t, “Spit it out Bill, spit it out before he runs away, “p-please don’t l-l-l-“ Then his panic overcame him and the only noises he cried out were violent sobs as he lost any dignity he had left. “Oh God, he’s never going to speak to me again.

In the throes of his shaking, he vaguely noticed arms embracing his crumbling frame and supporting his head. The warmth pressed against him soothed his manic hyperventilation, and Stan’s voice, although breaking in tears itself, brought him back down to relative stability.

“You’re ok, Bill, you’re ok. Please don’t cry. Just breathe with me, ok?” Bill obeyed, inhaling the scent of peppermint embedded in his crush’s dress shirt. After what felt like days, he finally whispered, “P-please don’t l-leave me…” The warmth and the mint receded much to Bill’s dismay, but Stan’s arms stayed. He leaned into the hand wandering through his hair, against his own better judgment.

“Bill, look at me.” Unwillingly, he did. Stan’s face looked just as disheveled as his must surely be. The boy looked hurt, striking pain through Bill’s shuddering chest.

“Why would I ever leave you?”

“B-b-because I’m g-g-g-“ he sputtered beginning to work himself up again when Stan pulled them flush against each other again. Bill let himself sink into that pressure and scent, shamefully enjoying the fingers gently stroking short trails across his shoulder blades and the crown of his scalp. Stan’s heart played a rapid pattern against his own ribs. His breath pressed against Bill’s beet red ear as he whispered so softly it may have been only a thought. “Me too, Bill.”

Everything stopped. The world froze and fell away leaving only the warmth and the mint and the rhythm. Bill lifted his head just far enough to connect their eyes, finally comprehending that mystery in Stan’s gaze. It was that same secret desire that tormented him.

“Did you mean it? Do you really want to see my smile?” The question dripped with such a self-deprecation it crushed Bill to think that Stan loathed himself to this degree. Throwing his own self-pity aside, he boldly put his hands on either side of Stan’s cheeks, thumbs tenderly sweeping over the dreadful marks laid there. With a strength and calm he forgot he knew, he said, “Scars or no, your smile is precious to me, and it kills me to see you try to hide it.”

This broke the calculated façade and Stan disintegrated in Bill’s hands. He cried at length, almost screaming as he finally let himself feel all those years of fear and abuse and longing. He sobbed until his voice gave out and only fell as rasping heaving sighs.

When the deluge ended, the two just lay on Bill’s comforter, drinking in each other’s embrace. Wrapped in the tangle of their arms, they tried to comprehend all that had happened over the past few hours. “Bill,” Stan was the first to disturb their quiet, “After…after I got there, I always thought that no one would ever be able to love me. Like even my own reflection is a constant reminder that I’m… I don’t know, broken”

Bill leaned closer into his…whatever Stan is to him now. “Stan,” he whispered, “You are even more beautiful now. You f-faced It alone, and you’re still here. And you still hit It with a f-fucking pipe.” He chuckled lovingly at the imagery. “You are the bravest of all of us. How could anyone see you as less than perfect?”

Stan hummed a still disbelieving yet pleased hum, snuggling against Bill. “You know, “he barely said, quietly giving himself over to exhausted sleep, “You’re reading the rest of that poem to me later.” Bill smiled the brightest smile he has since Georgie was alive.

“Of c-course I will, Stanley.” He quickly buried his face in the mass of curls like he always dreamed. “Of course I will.”