#you’re telling me he shat on the moon

[astro-nomaly]

So i love like the Sonic live actions and Sonic Prime but they’re basically the only Sonic the Hedgehog stuff I’ve ever seen (even though I’d love to get into the series). So I’m not. Super. Well versed in the lore. I vaguely understand that Maria is a kid that died during a raid? Maybe? And Shadow is some experiment that’s eternally pissed about it? That’s the extent of my Shadow knowledge

Which is to say. What the fuck is happening when you all say “he pissed on the moon”. Do you realize you all sound insane. Shadow the Hedgehog, who is to my knowledge obsessed with being seen as aloof and dignified, pissed on the fucking moon? You’re telling me that bitch took a dump on the fucking moon? You say this to my FACE? What the fuck are you saying “he pissed on the moon” THAT IS A LASER IS HIS PISS A LASER

[youremyheaven]

i think you’re on to smth abt moon men because the only moon man that i can think of is henry cavill (not sure if he’s moon dom though)

he matches your physical description quite well but he’s always come off as creepy to me 💀 …… he’s really off putting and certain things he has said makes me feel like he has some kind of secret manipulative streak

tbh even I dont like him 😭 he's always come across as kind of fake? his proper englishman act seems like an act to me😭

one thing i've noticed about Moon dominant men (I, unfortunately know several personally) is that they're super image conscious and even though they're fcked up, they will put forward a Nice Guy act and exaggeratedly do "good/nice things" for others except that it often seems insincere imo 👀

im someone who can always tell when someone's doing something just because they look good doing it versus when they're doing it out of the purity of their heart and Moon men are just not it 🤡

if i wont be shat on, i'll make a post about Moon men but it will be slander obvs🤡😌bc i have THINGS to say alright

[kieraelieson]

It’d been a week since Janus was captured.

He’d been out at night on the new moon when something hit him. He still didn’t know what. It had forced a transformation at his weakest, and he’d been overpowered.

He was now outside some sorcerer’s house, a thick manacle clamped around his neck, the outside of it and the chain that led to the wall plated in silver. He had to be very careful with how he moved to not let it burn him. And somehow, he couldn’t seem to transform back.

He was stuck in the wolf form, his thoughts blurred and influenced strongly by his animalistic nature.

There came that human again. He seemed to be the sorcerer’s servant. Janus saw a lot of him, especially while he washed and hung out the enormous amounts of laundry the sorcerer had. Janus preferred to believe that the sorcerer’s magic took a toll, and he uncontrollably shat himself every hour. It would be fitting.

“Hi there,” the human said softly, carrying another large basket.

He huffed out a sigh as his only response. But abruptly he caught the scent of meat. He hadn’t had meat in the whole week he’d been captured, only that bitter mash that was probably poisoned.

The human set down the basket and reached into a pocket with a smile. “I brought you something. You have to promise not to bite me if I give it to you though.”

Janus made no such promises.

The human withdrew a bone with a bit of cooked meat still on it, wrapped in paper to protect his pocket. He unwrapped it and got as close as he dared, tossing it the remaining distance.

Janus eagerly snapped at the bone, relishing the taste of real food, meager as it was.

“I usually save bones to make soup with,” the human said, wiping his hands carefully on his apron. “But you look like you needed it more than me. You’re awful skinny for a wolf. I guess… you’re a magic wolf, aren’t you? It’s possible magic wolves could be skinnier.”

Janus made a small rumble in dissent. He wasn’t starved, yet, but being forced constantly into his weakest wolf form, he knew it didn’t look attractive.

The bone cracked satisfyingly under his teeth, and Janus savored every scrap of the marrow. He’d have to try and pay enough attention to catch the human’s name.

••^*^••

“Hello,” Patton said softly.

Janus opened his eyes lazily. Against his will, his tail swished slowly. He was more dignified than that. Or used to be.

Patton reached out a hand barely within the range of Janus’s teeth, just outstretched, not doing much. Janus had seen this behavior before from humans to dogs. He could smell Patton perfectly fine from here.

Still… this was Patton. The only point of interest in his life of captivity.

Janus leaned forward, sniffing the offered hand. The scent of Patton was stronger this close. A mix of the soaps he used, the baking he must do, and woodsmoke.

Instinctively, wanting more information, his tongue flicked out over the closest finger. As soon as he’d done it Janus recoiled in embarrassment. He shook himself firmly, sitting back down faced away from Patton.

Patton, on the other hand, was cooing obnoxiously.

••^*^••

“I’ve got the afternoon off,” Patton said, laying on his back in the grass. His arms were outstretched, one foolishly within Janus’s reach.

Janus, for his part, was equally foolish, laid on his side, his muzzle within inches of Patton’s hand. He shouldn’t be so relaxed around anyone connected to the sorcerer. Shouldn’t be finding comfort in the familiar smell of Patton.

“Did I ever tell you how I ended up here?” Patton asked.

Janus obviously couldn’t answer with words, merely sighing loudly in response.

“There was a sickness going through my village,” Patton said, his voice taking on a distinctly sad tone. “It was really bad. The sorcerer happened to stay at the inn while we were struggling with it. He said that if our village provided him with a servant that he’d make a cure.”

Patton’s voice cracked with tears. “My— My mom and sister had already… they’d died. And they were the last of my family, so, the village made the decision based on who would remain to be sad. If they’d chosen Roman, he’d leave behind a lot more people.”

Janus was hit with a powerful desire to comfort the human. Patton had been a spot of light, of kindness. He could repay the favor.

Janus nudged the end of his muzzle against Patton’s hand, offering a small lick.

Patton rolled towards him, wiping away tears. He reached out his other hand as well, gently scritching the end of Janus’s muzzle.

“I do get to go home sometimes,” Patton said. “If all the chores are done. I could maybe go now. But Roman’s off on a quest and there’s… not really anyone there for me to go to.”

Janus gave Patton’s hand another comforting lick, and it seemed effective, based on the teary smile.

••^*^••

“Can I come closer?” Patton asked.

He’d been edging closer and closer over time, now willing to be a full arm’s length inside Janus’s biting range. Janus didn’t really see the harm in allowing him to get closer. Patton seemed like he wouldn’t harm a creature knowingly even if it were to cost him.

Janus rearranged himself to lay against the wall. He laid his head on his paws. There. He’d have to get all the way up to snap at Patton. That was as clear permission as he could give.

Patton took a step or two closer, sinking to his knees a small distance from Janus. Janus watched him carefully.

“You know, the sorcerer said you’d take my head off,” Patton said with a slight chuckle. “But you seem a lot nicer than that. To me at least.”

Janus bared his teeth slightly in pleased memory of the morning before. The sorcerer had gotten just barely close enough while giving him that nasty mush that he passed off as food. Janus could still faintly taste the blood in his teeth. Though he could also feel the intense ache in his shoulder from the heavy staff slamming into him.

If he’d had a proper latch on the sorcerer’s arm he wouldn’t have let go no matter the repercussions. But he’d really gotten mostly robe, just enough skin to tear.

Patton continued talking. “And I wanted to… check on you? You’re still moving around pretty well so I guess you don’t have anything broken, but I still got worried.”

Janus was surprised. Companionship was one thing. Currying his favor with little treats. But care? He hadn’t expected care.

“Um,” Patton said, hesitant now. “If you don’t want me to touch you, can you let me know now, and I won’t. I don’t really want to get bitten.”

Janus debated baring his teeth, but ultimately decided it was too much bother. Patton could look at his shoulder. If he did something stupid, Janus could always bite him then.

Patton approached slowly, cautiously. He laid one shaky hand on Janus’s shoulder, watching Janus for any signs of violence. When there were none, he gently parted the fur, examining the joint.

Janus was alarmed by his sudden powerful desire to rub himself all over Patton. To tackle, to play, to cuddle, to… pack.

He’d tried everything to avoid thinking of his pack. But their touch, their scents, their voices, everything flooded back powerfully. Janus let out a long, mournful howl.

••^*^••

Janus flopped on top of Patton, gently licking his cheek.

“Oh, you!” Patton giggled, pushing at Janus’s head. “My glasses are in danger anytime I’m around you.”

Janus made a small dismissive sound. Not once had he harmed the glasses. He knew to be careful.

“You’re so heavy,” Patton complained lightly, squirming underneath Janus as he went boneless on top of the man.

It was his right to be heavy. This was nearly him at his lightest, anyway. He was well within his rights to squish his human.

Patton squirmed more. “What if I lay on top of you, huh? Would that satisfy your insatiable cuddling desires?”

Honestly, he wouldn’t complain, but he was enjoying being a menace. Janus just licked Patton’s cheek again.

An idea I’ve had while half awake

What if Janus is a werewolf. And gets caught by a witch/wizard/warlock. He’s chained up outside their house, and the chain has silver coating the outside, so if he ever tries to remove it it will burn him. The wizard is planning on getting a magically loyal pet. The safest way to do that is to spike Janus’s food with herbs that will over time build up and force him to obey the wizard.

Patton comes by the wizard’s house every day. He’s paying off a magical favor the wizard did in his town by working for the wizard. He cleans up, does the laundry, chops wood, etc. The wizard strictly warns Patton about Janus, saying how he’s wild and cannot control himself, especially in wolf form, and would tear Patton to pieces.

But Patton is a sucker for puppy eyes.

At first Janus is just hoping he’ll be able to convince Patton to let him go, but the wizard is smarter than that and never lets them be near each other while Janus is in human form. Maybe he’s also using magic to make Janus be almost always in wolf form, as dogs are easier to manipulate and gain control over.

Patton is gradually stopping by in between every chore he works on to give Janus a little petting and sneak him a snack. Over time, knowing Janus can hear him and understand him more than just a wolf, but not sure about the details of it, Patton begins staying longer periods on time in reach of the chain, even laying against Janus’s side, and he tells Janus everything.

There should be some big showdown where the wizard releases janus and tries to command him, or there’s a special full moon and he breaks free, or maybe the wizard does something mean to Patton and Janus gets furious and protective. Whichever way, Janus chooses Patton so strongly that it beats the magic. Their genuine bond grown up over time being far stronger than an artificial magical bond.

[takamishinko]

footprints and doubts

this is the longest piece we’ve written so far and it drained the living crap out of us :,D but hope u guys enjoy !

pronouns: gender neutral 

warnings: nothing really other than jealousy, angst, and crying, self thought cheating

a/n: r/n is region name btw

________________________________________________________________

honestly you found it hard to believe that little ol’ you from r/n could befriend let alone become someone important to ajax. the great tartaglia, 11th of the fatui harbingers, his name itself could strike fear into anyone. yet here you were, standing next to him with your hands intertwined with his at the lantern rite festival. you would give the world to him if you could, you loved him so much. he was so different from your last significant other who had been unfaithful towards you. 

‘you’re just too boring.’ they had told you apathetically. you frown thinking about it.

you felt ajax gave your hand a small tug, "hey y/n why don't we go over there? looks like chef mao is cooking up something good." he spoke with a cheery grin on his face.

you snap back into reality as you felt his hand pull you out of your thoughts. you gave him a terse nod and the two of you made your way to wanmin restaurant.

after waiting a while in line, the two of you were next. chef mao looked up and practically shat himself at the sight of the male next to you. 

“hello y/n! i hope you’ve been enjoying the festival, " chef mao spoke nervously, his eyes gliding to the male next to you, “y...you too sir childe.” he sputtered out. right, ajax was the one who tried to destroy liyue not too long ago after all. you shook your head, right now you were with ajax, not childe.

"woah woah woah. calm down chef, you know that’s history now. besides, i’m just here to enjoy the festival with y/n." ajax assured, sheepishly rubbing the back of his head.

you gave the chef a slight smile and spoke,"don’t worry chef. i’m sure he doesn’t have plans other than being with me tonight." you teased. 

the chef sighed in poorly concealed relief and returned to his usual self as he took your order. ajax ordered the specialty for today, the crystal shrimp. after a small wait, the two of you waved chef mao goodbye after he gave you two your food. the warm dish let out puffs of steam and glistened under all the light of the lanterns due to it's crystal clear skin, there were 4 in total, the wrapping for each was folded into the shape of a flower. they were so pretty, you almost felt bad for eating them. 

sitting down on a nearby bench, the two of you enjoyed the crystal shrimp while making small talk. the crystal shrimps were delicious themselves but it felt better to enjoy them with someone you loved. 

after finishing the food, you and ajax had a great time. you guys played a few rounds of theatre mechanics, ruijin was pleased at how skilled the two of you were and rewarded both of you with hefty prizes. upon bumping into zhongli, the three of you decided to enjoy some tea with him. after bidding farewell to the funeral consultant, the two of you released some xiao lanterns and watched as they floated into the night sky. 

feeling a bit tired, the two of you then decided to relax and take a walk instead of participating in games. as you and your boyfriend were strolling around the harbour, something, or someone caught his gaze. you look over to where his eyes were trailing to.

oh.

a beautiful young lady dressed in a white dress with a cecilia tucked into her golden blonde hair and a puffy companion floating by her side waved at ajax. her smile brighter than the sun and her movement as graceful as the moon. her honey glazed eyes shone with familiarity and glee at the sight of him.

of course you recognized this girl. she was none other than the otherworldly traveler, lumine. she fought alongside the liyue qixing and even the adepti to defeat the great osial. the people of liyue spoke about her often, everyone knew how she had also earned the title of honorary knight in mondstadt and defeated one of the four winds despite her young age. 

you were once again brought back into reality when ajax spoke, "hey babe ill be right back okay? i wanna catch up with lumine real quick." 

you felt his hand leave yours, the warmth dissipated with it. you felt an uncomfortable feeling bubble up as you watched your boyfriend run to someone else, leaving you alone by yourself to stand in the sea of lanterns and people. 

it didn't feel right.

you stayed in place with a dejected look for a while waiting for ajax to return but he was taking a while so you decided to go check what was going on with him.

"-but then teucer decided to do it anyway!” you hear ajax’s boyish voice ring out with amusement.

as the blond and the redhead laughed together. you couldn't help but think about the two looked enchanting with each other.

you shook your head and decided to make your presence known. "ajax-" 

ajax perked up, "oh! babe sorry to keep you waiting let me introduce you. lumine this is my partner y/n!" ajax exclaimed with a cute grin.

you gave lumine a small wave and spoke with a polite smile, "it's a pleasure to meet you lumine." 

"it’s nice to meet you too y/n.” lumine replied cheerfully.

now that you’ve got a better look at the blonde, she's so much more beautiful than you could have ever imagined. 

her velvety blonde hair fell gracefully, her porcelain skin was practically glowing without a single visible blemish, her golden eyes shone with beauty that rivaled cor lapis. to wrap it up, her short stature was presented with grace and poise. all in all, everything about the blonde was nothing less than perfection.

everyone loved her and you could understand the reason behind it very well. gorgeous, kind, and righteous, the hero of every region everyone respected. you couldn’t help but wish you were like her instead of your boring self, without a vision, without any standing out achievements either…

you started to space out while the two started up a conversation again, thinking about the feelings you were currently having. why were you feeling like this?

"hey babe we should get going! it's getting late." the voice of your lover broke you out of your thinking.

you were overthinking a lot today huh. "oh. we probably should get going then." 

"bye ajax! bye y/n! it was really nice meeting you." lumine said with a pearly smile gracing her features. she then walked off to find her floating companion who was near a food stall inhaling dish after dish of food.

wait.

ajax..? he wasn’t childe or tartaglia to her, but ajax. you didn't know how to feel upon hearing the real name of your boyfriend slip out of the blonde. you knew how secretive ajax could be when it came to his family and personal life so the fact that lumine knew his real name put a feeling of unease within you.

the way home was pretty quiet, you didn't want ajax to notice that you were feeling off. you felt so guilty for having these feelings about him and lumine but you couldn’t help it. your last relationship had practically trampled on your ability to trust others, you could never tell if someone was lying to you or being truthful. you contemplated telling him how you felt but you decided against it, you’ve never been great at expressing your feelings after all. however, after a while of him blabbing about random topics, you couldn’t curb your curiosity any longer and realized you wanted to know more about your lover's relationship between him and lumine.

after a while of peaceful silence, you let out a small breath, "hey ajax?"

“yes y/n?" 

"who is lumine… to you?"

ajax perked up at the sound of the blonde's name, "lumine? she's a good friend and a formidable opponent of course. it's been a while since i’ve fought with someone who could keep up with me on the battlefield!" ajax spoke with enthusiasm.

you felt a twinge of pain shoot into your heart at the tone that your lover used when speaking about the blonde. did he speak like that when he was talking about you? 

"oh… i see. she must be a very powerful person then." you replied with feigned glee.

ajax noticed that you were in low spirits, "why? is something wrong?" he questioned with slight worry.

"no! i'm alright. i was just curious because you two seemed… close." you lied. you weren't ok, but you didn't know how to tell him. probably because you didn't even know why you felt such-

envy 

that was what you were feeling. not petty jealousy or sadness, you were envious. envious of lumine. her beauty, her strength, her personality, everything. the feeling consumed every inch of your body and dyed you green. your insecurities swallowed you up and spit you out, rendering you vulnerable against the little demons that poked at your thoughts.

when the two of you got home and freshened up, ajax practically passed out the second he lied in bed with you. on the other hand, you stayed wide awake, stuck thinking about the way lumine and ajax interacted. the smiles, the laughter, the fond looks they gave each other plagued your mind, rendering you unable to sleep. after a while of staring blankly at the ceiling, you groaned and carefully lifted the sheets to not wake your lover and got out of bed to make yourself a cup of tea. you used the tea leaves you bought from pops kai, the calming properties of the tea always helped you when you felt down. 

"they're just friends, don't overthink it, just friends, just friends." you whispered to yourself, trying to give yourself a sense of reassurance. after finishing the tea you got back into bed,  it was hard but you eventually fell asleep next to your lover.

next morning, you were woken by the sound of your boyfriend walking around in the living room doing something. it was only around 7am so you were wondering why up so early as he usually woke up at 8. you groggily walked out of the bedroom.

ajax noticed you and smiled fondly at the cute sight of you rubbing your eyes. "good morning babe, did i wake you up? sorry about that, i was just getting ready to go train."

"oh. by yourself?" somehow, you had a feeling of where this conversation was headed.

"no, with lumine, we made a deal yesterday to go to yaoguang shore today to fight some ruin guards and hunters for materials!" he chuckled.

lumine. lumine

the name echoed in your mind like a mantra. you were aware of his weekly spars with the blonde but today would be the second day he went out with her this week. a part of your heart told you to stop him, another part told you to let him go. in this internal battle, you chose the latter and let him go. after all, who were you to stop him? it's not like you could be the one to satisfy his thirst for battle, only someone like lumine could.

you were having a day off due to the lantern rite festival, but to be honest it's not like you needed the money. with the amount of money ajax had he could probably support you and your next 4 generations. with your spare day, you decided to clean up the house because it was a bit messy due to teucer playing around the day before. 

while cleaning up you found a spare xiao lantern that teucer was supposed to release when he came over. since you had spare time you decided to set another lantern yourself, it would be a waste to not use it after all. as people say, during the lantern rites, put your wish into a lantern and set it into the sky for it to become true. 

"i wish to stay with ajax, till death does us apart." 

you only hoped he felt the same way about you.

you put the note in the xiao lantern and set it off into the sky, you watched with sentiment as it floated away towards the clear blue sky.

you had a hard time focusing on the task you were doing for the rest of your day so you decided to take your mind off things and go take a look around liyue harbour to see if there was anything worth checking out, or buying. 

liyue harbour contained the usual, the fragrance of grilled tiger fish wafting from the stand next to where you would usually buy your groceries, the kids messing around near the boats, and you even met xiangling who tried to offer you her new recipe of jade parcels but you kindly refused. 

after that you went to give the adorable little pharmacist, qiqi, a visit. she was under the  cashier stand like usual, you gave her a little pat on the head and asked for the usual medicine you buy for ajax. 

you then bumped into zhongli, who was also strolling around. the two of you chattered about the festival and other shenanigans before bidding each other farewell. the amount of history about liyue and its traditions the man was familiar with would never fail to surprise you.

there wasn’t really anything left for you to do in the harbour so you started to head back home. not far away from the liuli pavilion you saw a familiar redhead talking to the owner of mingxing jewelry with a shorter figure standing beside him. 

upon closer inspection, you noticed it was ajax with someone else at a jewelry shop looking at the items. it was none other than lumine standing next to him. you watched as lumine picked out a piece of jewelry from the stand that would look so well on her. the gem glowed it’s colour under her smile and looked more fitting than ever. weren’t they supposed to be at yaoguang shore?

without second thought ajax bought the jewelry in lumines hand and put it in a gift bag with a look of tenderness. your heart dropped to the pits of your stomach, you felt as if the world was crashing down on you. your breathing quickened and your heart palpitated at alarming rates. every little insecurity that was planted in you had finally finished blooming. was this really going to happen to you a second time? was once not enough for the entertainment of the gods?

that was when he saw you, standing only a little bit away from him holding the items you purchased for him and the fresh groceries you were going to use to cook dinner for him.

ajax’s eyes widened in surprise upon seeing you, “y/n!? why are you he-” he was tense, you noticed, just like your ex-lover when they were caught.

you tried to regulate your breathing and spoke, “stop.” you managed to say, cutting off ajax before he could finish his sentence. he flinched at your dull tone.

“y/n! i know what you’re thinking but i promise we were just-” ajax hurriedly tries to explain.

“don’t. i think i've seen enough childe.” he frowned at the use of his moniker. 

your lips trembled, water collecting at the bottom of your eyes. ‘don’t cry. don’t cry, don’t cry.’ you repeated in your head, you didn’t want to appear weak in front of the two. your ajax who you loved so much, who you cared for so much, who you were planning to spend the rest of your life with, is now buying jewelry for someone else after lying to you.

“i was foolish this entire time, of course. instead of someone like me, a visionless nobody you would choose her over me. you’re just like-” your voice cracked as you forced the words out of your tightened throat. 

“y/n it’s not like that! please just let me explain!” ajax pleaded urgently. he hated that you were talking bad about yourself.

after gaining a smidge of composure you decided you couldn’t be near the two, “no need childe, i understand. now if you’ll excuse me, i'll be on my way.” you muttered and brushed past the two. 

“wait y/n!-” he reached out to grab your arm before the blonde next to him stopped him.

lumine sighed and spoke up after staying silent, “let them go for now. leave them alone for a bit, they need some time to think. it’s understandable why someone would be upset if they saw their lover with someone else like this.” she comforted before patting him on the back.

“yeah. i guess you’re right...” ajax murmured with a crestfallen look. he regretted not communicating with you, otherwise this wouldn’t have happened. he should’ve cleared up any suspicions you had and reassured you. he knew about how you weren’t confident due to your last relationship. gods, he felt like he was worse than your dirtbag of an ex.

you walked towards your home slowly trying to process what just happened. your tears already ran dry and you didn’t think more were able to escape from your eyes. the fading sunset seemed so blurry yet peaceful. somehow, instead of walking home, you ended up near yaoguang shore which happened to be the spot you and ajax would go to often. his name brought bitter feelings back as you remember the events that just happened but you took a deep breath and sat on the sand across from the shore. you listened to the sound of the ocean, the waves dousing the sand it touched. you took notice of the starconches laying on the sand. 

feelings of melancholy welled up inside you. these are ajax’s favourites. the blue shells reminded you of his eyes. his lovely eyes were the blue of the waves of the sea, they crashed into you and pulled you into them. you could spend all day swimming in the infinite hues until you drowned.

you buried your head onto your knees and let out a pained cry you’ve been holding in. here, where no one can find you, where no one can hear you. only the ocean will hear your troubles and worries, you hoped it could wash them away and you could forget about them forever. you sat there in peace by yourself for what felt like hours.

you sighed and decided that you should get going, but to where? you didn’t want to see ajax if he’s even going to be there at all. maybe you could crash at zhongli’s place…

 just as you were about to leave you heard a familiar voice behind your back. “y/n!” it was the man you loved, ajax, sprinting to you with the same gift bag he was holding in his hands at mingxing jewelry. 

you turned around to look at him. your hair was flowing in the wind with the sunset behind your back. to ajax it was the most beautiful sight he had ever seen in his life. 

“i knew you’d be here.” ajax spoke with relief.

you looked away from him not knowing how to feel right now about your “lover” and stayed silent.

“y/n. i swear it wasn’t what it looked like, i would never do that to you. lumine and i really don’t have anything going on in between us, i chose you as my partner and i plan on keeping it that way for the rest of my life. in fact,” ajax murmured while opening up the gift bag he was holding. it was a bracelet with a fine piece of noctilucous jade in the middle with cor lapis fragments decorating the border of the blue gem. the jewelry wafted with fragrances, the morning dew smell from a qingxin, the classical smell of the harbour from a silk flower and lastly the everlasting aroma of violet grass.  

“do you like it? lumine and i picked it out for you at mingxing jewelry for our upcoming anniversary. i just wanted her opinion on what to choose for you. this was one of the most beautiful pieces that they had. i heard it took a super long time to make, oh! the jade in the middle will also make the bracelet glow in the dark! pretty cool huh?” ajax smiled as he lifted your wrist to put it on you.

at a loss of words, you lifted your head up at the male and gave him a soft smile, “thank you ajax… i love it, it’s perfect in every way possible.”

“just like you.” the redhead spoke fondly with a grin on his face while softly stroking your hair.

“oh shut up you flirt.” you tried to hide your smile as you both giggled on the beach with the sunset dripping behind you two. 

after a while of being engulfed in ajax’s arms you spoke, “ajax, i want to apologize for jumping to conclusions about you and lumine. i..you know about how i find it hard to trust people sometimes but it was unfair for me to do that to you, i know you would never cheat on me.” you spoke, hugging him tighter as if he would leave if you get go. 

“y/n. don’t you dare think for a second that i’ll leave you for someone else ok? you’re the only one in this world that i want and it’s staying that way. i don’t care if you’re visionless, or if you don’t have any achievements whatsoever. i still love you so so much.” ajax exclaimed as he buried his head into the crook of your neck.

you felt a certain warmth as your face flushed. how did you end up with someone as perfect as ajax. you lifted his face with your hands and pressed your lips against his. he deepens the kiss and your heart melts.

“thank you ajax. i’ll always be by your side too, no matter what happens. my love for you has no ends.” you speak with pure affection as you nuzzled your face into ajax’s soft yet firm chest. 

ajax feels his face heat up and he quickly speaks, “c’mon now, let’s go home, i can’t wait to taste your cooking after running around all day today.”

the two of you walked together on the beach, hand in hand, leaving footprints and doubts in the sand.

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special msg from my dear editor: hey lol - @kamihara​ , my works wouldn’t be nearly as good if it weren’t for them so go give them a follow please :)!

[milkywaygg]

Time’s Passing Ch. 8

Not too much longer after he had slammed the door, Darren found himself walking along the same lonely street to the bar, not even having the energy to fly. As he passed through the corridor and inched towards the light, Darren felt his coat pocket vibrate over and over again. Not wanting to talk to Linnie any further, he ignored it and went inside the bar, ordering his usual jack and coke, and letting his mind wander with the music provided.

Who did he think he is? What the hell was wrong with a little beer every now and then? Sure, Darren didn’t mind the fact that Linnie simply chose not to drink, but it didn’t seem fair to him that he had to give up a good drink just so he was comfortable. Besides, it wasn’t like he was planning on using magic while drinking, surely Linnie thought Darren was a little more responsible than that. Hell, Blue Moon wasn’t even that heavy of a beer, just enough to relax him for the evening. Given that it was his first beer in 10,000 years, Darren felt like it shouldn’t have been that big od a deal.

As he continued his meal, Darren’s phone continued to vibrate, almost as if he were carrying a ticking time bomb in his pocket, finding it harder and harder to ignore it. After a while however, Darren finally had enough and took out his phone, intended to block Linnie’s phone number until he saw that it was Chelsea calling him instead. Rolling his eyes, he picked up his phone.

“What do you want, Chelsea? I’m busy right now.”, he grunted. Chelsea groaned on the other side.

“Darren, what the hell is your problem? I called Dad to check on everything, and I heard you decided to leave. What happened?”, she asked, her voice mixed with annoyance and anger.

“Oh great, one of dad’s ‘white knights’. Look Chelsea, I’m not in the mood to talk right now.”

“I don’t give a damn! I want answers! Why was Dad basically in tears when I called to talk to him earlier?”

“Probably because he’s a fucking baby?”, Darren started sarcastically, “He and I got into a fight just because I happened to buy myself some Blue Moon beer. I didn’t actually do anything wrong.”

“Well I mean,”, Chelsea’s voice got softer, trying to understand Darren’s viewpoint, “I mean, there’s nothing wrong with a beer every now and then, but was it something Dad was ok with?”

“Obviously not! Why else would we be having this conversation right now?”, Darren yelled, immediately getting defensive.

“Is that seriously it, Darren? Or is there something you’re not telling me?”

“Well..”, Darren started, “I did kind of call him a dumbass.”

“Seriously? Oh my god, Darren.”, Chelsea sighed in annoyance, “So let me get this straight, you bought beer when Dad said it wasn’t ok, you ran out the house, and you called him dumbass?”

“Yea pretty much.”

“Ugh, see this is what your problem is, Darren.”, Chelsea started, her anger rising once more, “You know what, as much as I hated Mama for all she’s done to us, she was right about one thing. You have no respect.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Dad invites you into his own fucking home, because he gives a shit about you, he bought you groceries and had a bed set up for you to sleep on, and tried to help you get our own apartment back. Don’t you think the least you could do is show him some common courtesy and follow his fucking rules?”

“See, that’s the thing. He does all those things because as the so-called father he is, he’s supposed to. Neither of us asked to be here, neither of us asked to be born, a father does all those things because that’s his damn responsibility as a father. Linnie shouldn’t get some sort of special snowflake prize just because he fucked mom and shat some babies out.”

“Labor fucking hurts Darren!”

“How would you know? You’re a woman!”

“Oh my god, you know what Darren?”, Chelsea complained, “Yes, a father is responsible for taking care of his children, but you’re damn well over 18,000. He technically doesn’t have to do anything for you, or any of us for that matter? Dad does that because he loves you and wants the best for you, so you would think the least you could do is give him some goddamn respect and follow his rules.”

“Ok, but what about when I was 13,000 and he was gone for 3,000 years? So much for father of the year, am I right?”

“You damn well know that was because Mama used him as a shield.”, Chelsea sneered, “Look, I’m not going to defend what Dad did during that time, because I get it. He shouldn’t have flown off, but we’re not talking about 13,000 year old Darren. We’re talking about a 40,000 year old man who needs to get off his high fucking horse, quit thinking the world owes him a favor, get a mother fucking job, and stop being such an asshole to everyone!”

Throughout all the ranting, Darren fell silent. This was the angriest he had ever heard Chelsea yell at him, even throughout all the fights they had as children. He knew Chelsea was closer to their father than either him or Cosmo could be, but he didn’t think she’d completely take his side.

“Chelsea, it’s literally just a fucking 6 pack. I don’t understand what you and dad are on my ass about it.”

“Darren, it’s not even really the beer that’s the issue. It’s that fact that you disobeyed one of dad’s rules and were completely disrespectful to him, that’s the issue.”, Chelsea said, struggling to calm herself down, “Look, until you get off your lazy ass and get your own apartment, you have to go by dad’s rules. It doesn’t fucking matter how stupid you think they are, you’re under dad’s roof right now so you need to go by dad’s rules. I cannot fucking believe I have to tell you this.”

“Ok ok I get it! Damn.”, Darren snarled, “I’m sorry, ok? I didn’t think a pack of beer would be that big of a deal!”

“Exactly. You just don’t think. I swear, sometimes, I feel like the only person you care about is yourself.”, Chelsea sighed, “Look, I’m about to get ready to head back into town. If you don’t want to be homeless for the next…whenever you’re entitled ass decides to get a job, then I suggest you go apologize.”

“But dad’s probably in bed at this time of night!”

“Then fucking go to his work and apologize tomorrow! I swear, you have an excuse for everything.”, Chelsea groaned, “I’m headed off for the night. I hope you do the right thing. Goodnight.”

Thankful she had hung up, Darren put his phone away and decided to get back into his meal. He took a bite of the slider he had ordered alongside the drink, and nearly choked on it. The sandwich was a dry as a bone, and the fries tasted almost like unsalted rocks. At least Linnie knew how to tenderize meat properly. After a while, Darren had lost his appetite and tipped the bartended, finding himself wobbling a little bit back to the dark corridor, trying to get inside before the street lights turned off.

As much as he hated it, Darren had no choice but to head back to Linnie’s apartment, as the neighborhood park benches weren’t ideal given the rather sketchy community. After a while, Darren stumbled upon the pink building once more and took the elevator back up to 701, praying desperately but quietly that Linnie hadn’t locked the door. Jiggling the doorknob, Darren felt somewhat relieved when the door opened, jumping slightly at Linnie’s sleeping body on the couch; soft, gentle snores filling the living room. Shutting the door quietly, Darren tip-toed back into the room, passing though the many picture frames Linnie had shelves on the wall and crashed on the bed for the evening, tossing and turning as his guilt overcame him.

Particularly, Darren thought back to two of the pictures that were framed before he made it to his room. One was a picture of Linnie alone, lying down in the hospital bed, holding the newborn Darren, both of them crying tears, while the other one was a picture of Linnie holding a toddler Darren in his arms, cradling him gently, as Darren had looked like he had seen a monster. Throughout his life, Darren had to admit that he missed when he was that small, and Linnie’s arms felt like a shield from a cruel, uncaring world. Maybe Chelsea was right. Maybe he needs to be a little kinder to his father.

Finally feeling as if he could get some sleep, Darren promised himself to apologize to his father at the nursery, and no amount of doubt or guilt was going to hold him back.

[unbakehisbeans]

I can’t tell you how sick I am of being praised. It sounds so stupid but I’m fucking sick of it.

I could turn in photocopies of a dump I took and people would be so impressed and moved and tell me how insightful I am.

What have I been here for? What am I doing? I’ve been working to hard to make my work good and I get praised for the lousy shit I threw together in an afternoon? I’m getting an A whether I turn in something that I poured myself into and things I shat out because they were due.

And what am I? Am I that good am I that smart?? Or is this all the result of grooming and nepotism??? Because I’ve had more trial and error at being insightful than virtually any of my peers and because my mentor loves me so much she set me up as the department darling???

I want praise from my own god damn father. I want him to tell me that he’s proud of me for everything I’ve done. I don’t want to be compared to my cousins or my siblings, I want him to just be proud of ME. When my sister went away to university he GUSHED about her and how proud he is. And I’m sure he does that about me but never ever to my face. I got into a doctoral program I have a 3.84 GPA, I call my grandparents, I have kept my room clean and always found time for dishes and dinner and family, I’ve been in a committed relationship for six years, I did all the right things and I have done them mostly on my own without kicking and screaming and crying. I have been composed I have been calm I have been passionate and fiery I have done it all efficiently and without making a fuss. I want him to praise me for real and not just in the awkward half-assed dispassionate way he will say to my face every once in a blue moon.

And I went from a troubled teen to this in a matter of fucking moments. From wanting to kill myself to being a happy little worker bee. And you bet I want him to tell me to my face that he’s proud. It’s not enough just to know that maybe probably he is and he’s maybe probably telling people who aren’t me how proud he is. And I know it’s small and petty and stupid but I want it so badly. Just tell me that you’re proud and that you think I’ve grown up into a fine young woman, or anything god.

And yeah blah blah blah seeking external validation from people who will never give it, but come on now this man is my father.

[author-morgan]

Kryptic ↟ Deimos

thirty-seven - puppet strings

masterlist

But the great leveler, Death: not even the gods can defend a man, not even one they love, that day when fate takes hold and lays him out at last.

Death submits to no one, not even Dread and Destruction.

They are both weapons of flesh and bone, of warm blood and beating hearts, and they cannot be controlled.

“STAY YOUR HAND, Barnabas,” Lesya whispers, her hand resting over the old captain’s as they peer across the street at the Athenian prison. She glances back at Sokrates, the mouthy philosopher who insisted on coming too —she hadn’t wanted to argue with him or Barnabas. Tundareos or Timotheus would be better suited to aid her in a prison break, but they had yet to reach Athens after having been caught in a maelstrom off the Lakonian coast. “I’ll go first.” It would not take long for her to dispatch the guards and give the signal for Barnabas and Sokrates to join her.

Raising the hood of her pale chlamys, she blends into the bustling street, moving toward the back wall of the prison. A guard notices her, moving closer, slipping in and out of the crowd. In a heartbeat, Lesya appears naught but a few feet from the guard. “Move along,” he says, grip tightening on the wooden shaft of his spear. “Civilians are not perm–” the words die on his lips with a tight slash of a dagger across his throat. 

Lesya steps over the corpse, carving a path through the guard barracks, moving silently until there is a shout. “Call for reinforcements!” One of the guards shouts, only no one aside from the prisoners are there to hear it. She emerges from the shadows between cells with blood dripping from her blades and hands. The guard’s eyes widen, and he turns, meaning to run. Lesya tests the weight of the sword in her hand, draws in a slow breath, then tosses it into the air. The sword hangs in the air for a breath before finding the back of the guard, both falling to the flagstone. 

“Kassandra!” Lesya calls; a moment later, she hears her name and sees Kass standing at the bars of her cell. 

The Eagle Bearer reaches through the metal lattice and grasps onto her bloody hands with a large grin. Despite the terms on which they parted in Boeotia, she’s gladdened to see Lesya after the countless weeks that have passed since Pylos. “By the gods, am I happy to see you,” she admits. Lesya smiles, then steps back, looking at the hinges of the cell door —she hadn’t been able to find a key anywhere— but with the correct leverage, a key wouldn’t be needed. 

Reaching for one of her daggers to wedge beneath the hinge pin, she moves forward again but stops upon feeling the cold bite of iron at her neck. “Not so fast.” She knows the voice, and the knife’s edge now poised at her neck is familiar, too. Lesya leans her head back, staring up at Deimos —presenting her throat to him. A challenge. She knows he won’t do it. He can’t do it. But while Lesya smiles at the threat, Kassandra’s eyes are wide and worried. 

“Alexios,” Kassandra warns, instinct has her reach for the broken spear of Leonidas, no longer on her back or at her side. She stares into her brother’s wild eyes, seeing the message there clearly without him saying a word. That is not my name. The lull breaks when Lesya smiles, laughing. “You won’t do it,” she tells him, and she’s right. Deimos lowers the dagger, then sheaths it, looking away when Lesya spins to face him. 

“Go,” he says, dark eyes flitting to Lesya and then his sister. “I need to speak with her.” Hesitant to part, she looks to Kassandra —who gives a curt nod. She needs to speak to her brother too. Lesya lifts the hood of her chlamys and slides back into the shadows. 

SHE LEANS AGAINST a marble pillar, knowing Deimos will look for her after their encounter at the prison. His thoughts clouded with anger as he storms through the street. Lesya seizes his arm as he walks past her, pushing back the hood covering her copper hair when he spins —nostrils flared, hand reaching for the sword on his hip. “You’re sure you aren’t a puppet?” She asks, having lingered around the prison long enough to hear whispers. His eyes are burning embers —the rage yet to die down after Kleon’s arrival and dismissal. He still had questions for Kassandra, questions which would remain unanswered. Deimos does not answer, nor can he look at Lesya. “Alexios.” His face twists at the use of his birth name. “The Cult wants your bloodline extinguished,” she hisses. They claim he is descended from gods, just as she is —they are tools to be used then discarded, and Deimos has long been a blunted spear to them. “Do you think they won’t put you down too?”

Gritting his teeth, Deimos rips himself from her hold. “They can try,” he growls, chest heaving like a caged beast about to strike. She stares at him, her resolve iron. I will pry him from the Cult, Lesya repeats to herself, a prayer and a mantra. Something flares in Deimos’ eyes, burning brighter than his anger. He grips Lesya’s shoulders, pressing her against the temple wall, trapping her between the stone and his body. “What game are you playing at, Enyo?” He hisses, tired of the web of lies and all the secrets. 

Lesya tilts her chin up, feeling her heart stall at the sound of her old name on his lips —but defiance rises in her laurel gaze. “You know that’s not my name,” she tells him unwavering. Enyo is the past, and she will not succumb to the torments of that name again. The venomous bite in her tone melts away Deimos’ anger, his shoulders falling forward, and the hands pressed on the smooth stone on either side of her head sliding down to her waist as he breathes her true name —a tired sigh. “I’m playing whichever game brings the Cult to their knees.”

Deimos lifts a hand, caressing her scarred cheek with the backs of his fingers. “Does that include me?” He asks, twining his fingers into her copper hair as he leans toward her. 

“I don’t know yet,” she answers, hardly a whisper. There’s a pause, where their eyes meet then flit downward —they shouldn’t, but the tension is unbearable, and there is too much left unspoken. Both she and Deimos move at the same time, falling into each other’s warm embrace, lips colliding.

WHEN LESYA WAKES, it’s to the rustle of metal and leather as Deimos pulls on his black-and-gold cuirass. Sighing, she wraps the linen bedsheet around her —a makeshift peplos— and goes to him, replacing his hands on the ties and clasps of the armor. He keeps quiet, watching her with heated tawny-gold eyes as she moves. Years parted, and Lesya can still ready him for battle and war quicker than his own hands. Deimos frowns when she will not lift her laurel eyes to look upon him —fearing he may see the weakness and unshed tears arising from knowing they must part from one another again. He cups her chin, thumb running across her lips, still pink and half-swollen from his rough kisses. Lesya blinks away the tears as he lifts her gaze. “Where are you going?” She finally asks, feeling her chest tighten. 

“Amphipolis,” he answers. Kleon would be leading the Athenian forces himself after Aristophanes' mockery of a play shat on his image and turned many of the polis against him. He believes if he returns a war hero, having smote down the Spartans, his reputation will be untarnished once again. Amphipolis is set to be the next war theater. It will be a fortnight’s journey by sea if the gods grant them smooth passage. 

The promise of battle and blood brightens Lesya’s eyes, a fleeting smile twisting her lips. “I’m coming with you,” she tells Deimos, stepping away from him to gather up her discarded chiton and armor. He lifts his brow. Unsure if she should sail with the men who will call her enemy when the battle breaks. “What does it matter?” She asks, shaking her head. “No one can stop us.” He’s heard the words before from her lips, and now they ring just as true. Athens and Sparta be damned —all that mattered was each other when they were together. 

Deimos wants to share in her sanguinity but feels a heavy weight has settled on his chest. He takes her wrist, straightening the laces of the dark leather vambrace, and his eyes flick upward. “We won’t be fighting on the same side,” he reminds her. He still wears the colors of the Cult of Kosmos, unable to shake them with Kleon at the helm. 

“No, we won’t be,” Lesya smiles. Brasidas sent word requesting aid from her and the Eagle Bearer. She will answer the Spartan call, and if fate will have it, leave Kleon’s corpse on the battlefield. It feels like the die has finally been cast in her favor. Kleon is the last pillar of the Cult, and should he fall, it would be easier to break their sway over Deimos, easier to purge the minor servants from the Greek world.

Turning from her, Deimos steps to the table where his blade rest —the silver of its edge gleaming in the early sun filtering through sheer curtains. “Stay out of my way,” he warns, sliding the Damoklean sword into the leather loop of his baldric. 

“Only if you stay out of mine,” she bites back, placing her twin blades into the sheaths on her back. 

“Gods,” Deimos breathes, looking up at the plaster ceiling, trying to hide the smile tugging at his lips. Years gone by and everything has changed, and yet, in moments like this, everything is the same. “Of all the women in Hellas, I’ve been cursed with you.” It’s meant to be a gripe, but the affection for her in his voice is undeniable, as is the smile on his lips. Lesya takes his face into her hands, pulling his gaze back to her before she pushes up and drags him down —their lips meeting in the middle, an echo of the nights shared under an Athenian moon. And when he kisses her back, it is with a whisper of I love you on his lips. 

[taglist:  @wallsarecrumbling @novastale @fucking-dip-shit @elizabethroestone @maximalblaze @balmacedapascal @kitkitvm @dynamicorbit @thepreciouspurrsian @angstygunslinger​  @alexandra-alle ] it’s been a hot minute again hasn’t it?

[cloveroctobers]

HARRY ZHONG (MITCHELL-WHITE)

IG info/bio: @/heedful.harry | 15.6k followers| hi, I’m Harry and I’m a business major. No, You don’t have to hold your applause 🧐

21 years old

From York, England

Cancer sun + ARIES MOON energy

He and his younger brother, Archie were foster children in the Mitchell-white household

which consisted: Harrison Mitchell and his daughter from a previous marriage, Briony, Piers White and together they had a surrogate carry their child, which gave them their second daughter, Pippa

Later they came to the decision to adopt Harry and Archie Zhong, if only that’s what they wanted too

It took longer for Harry to warm up to the family since he was still waiting and wishing for his mom to come back for them

He was diagnosed with IED around 15 years old

Goes to therapy for it and meetings with others with similar issues...he dreads the meetings since it makes him feel like he has a problem or something, which HE DOES but it makes him feel like a...but he knows that’s a ignorant way to think

He’s currently a business major and loves telling people about it *yawn* (don’t drag me lmao)

He’s thinking he’ll be a Financial analyst or a Marketing manager

The type of person who’s done a lot in his short life that it’s often unbelievable ex.) telling the villa he’s driven one of the cars that was used in the fast and furious franchise & getting pissed when bill and everyone else didn’t believe him

Harrison is a train driver and is normally bubbly + wears bright preppy clothes

He also loves Broadway, much to Harry’s annoyance...if he hears one more Hamilton song he’s gonna slam his head thru a wall stg

Piers is a music producer and is more reserved or “stand-off-ish” until he gets warmed up to you + his aesthetic is a rocker, yeah he’s got the whole tattoos and boots thing going for him, after all he was in a rock band

Piers makes the most $ and is of high status, which brought him and his family perks but is not a snob about it...it’s whatever ya know?

Harry’s closer to piers, feels he understands him more & can be kinda rude to Harrison when he’s in one of his moods but tries to be better at responding to him since he made him cry once years ago — yes he felt like complete shit afterwards

Harry is anemic so he always finds himself cold, experiencing fatigue, irregular heartbeat, and if he gets up too fast or moves too fast? Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the—FLOOO000R! (I’m making this joke as a person with anemia)

Likes cold weather since everyone else can feel what he feels on the daily

Plus he loves dressing for winter season, trench coats, wool coats, turtle necks, thermal t-shirts, fleece pants, rolled up beanies that keeps his ears covered and his hair glued to his forehead...you name it!

On the regular? He’s a khaki’s kinda guy, dress shirts, and loves wearing suit and ties...he’s not the biggest fan of jeans. He loves dressing fancy unless the measurements are bloody awful

I’m going by the alternative design for Harry and...whew! Then he’s 6’1 if we’re talking about the one they gave us then we all know he has a baby face, so I’d say he’s about 5’8

He’s got long legs + arms and hates how majority of his pants barely fit around his ankles

has dry scalp too

I feel like he’s pretty intelligent and sometimes it can come off as a know it all, yet, he’s always down to help people & isn’t condescending while doing so

He knows how to make soaps and would sell them on his etsy account in highschool where plenty shat on him for it so for awhile he stopped the hobby until Harrison encouraged him to keep at this if it was what makes him happy

Harrison is the type of parent you go to for comfort and hugs even if it might feel like he’s smothering you

Piers is the one who lets you come to him when you’re ready to talk about it, no pressure

Harry went to a high school that focused on technology so he’s all into the latest gadgets

This is a secret but he only got a apple watch to feel like a true spy

His intelligence got him somewhere with a few ladies ;)

He’s a certified freak, 7 days a week and had a handful of hookups and about 4 gfs in his life so far

He’s kinky!!!

& has a f**t fetish

His past relationships were not long relationships, which sucked but Harry felt like...this might sound arrogant, but it’s either their lost — although there was never any bad blood with his breakups! or his person was still out there somewhere...

I haven’t fully played his route (AJ stole my ass since I couldn’t romance seb or Nicky sorry) but I’ve seen screen caps and he’s a total sweetie if he’s really committed to you, you might be his “true love”

He’s nervous opposed to his usual confidence when he’s chatting to other ladies with ease, with you it’s different, it’s magnetic, nerve-wrecking, butterflies, electric, and exciting all wrapped in one

I feel like he shows his love language with quality time but also enjoys physical touch from his partner

Picky eater

But he was worst as a child! Barely ate anything which led to him being lanky or it’s in his genes but mostly he wouldn’t eat a damn thing

These are a few of his favorite things: figs, green tea, and almond milk

makes the best spring rolls with the rice paper, those are superior than fried! “Fried food will kill u u know!” “Okay bill.” “Iona, don’t know if u had too much to drink but, erm I’m Harry.” “R/WHOOOOssssh! And you’re s’pposed to be the smart one, yeah right.”

outside of the villa he found himself continuing his friendship with bill—even tho he pisses him off sometimes since he’s always got some shit to say but they’re probably the closest, Iona she’s always honest and is always a good time to be around when they hang out, Then there’s Camilo and Miki that he hangs out with too

Is the first one sharing about his day in the group chat with all of the villa, he can feel half of them rolling their eyes at him since many feel he tends to exaggerate

if he’s not endgame with mc...he kinda feels a way that Genevieve found her happiness in seb instead of him, it’s not that he’s bitter—he genuinely liked her and felt like maybe they didn’t try hard enough but deep down knows relationships can’t be forced. It’s just his ego trying to control things that’s all! plus he was comfortable with vieve even if it felt more on a platonic side...oh well

once slid into jen from s1’s dms one dark stormy drunk night & admitted on live that erikah kinda gave him some tips before going on the show... & that he thought one of the new girls that entered the villa was a better fit than one of the originals from s2 which caused him to get blocked by said original OOP

Has a circle of close friends outside of the villa, they’re all brainiacs and have something going for themselves

Enjoys action films and biographical drama films like: James Bond, John Wick, and the social network

Isn’t ashamed to admit that he loves using sheet face masks but isn’t the greatest at following a consistent skincare routine

Has his own back massager that he spent a lot of $ on since it wouldn’t go on sale and then a week later...it went on sale

sends a lot of “🙃🙂” texts when you piss him off

probably worked at GameStop, the apple store, Godiva, and currently works at a electronic repair shop for a side of cash but is looking for a internship since he’ll be graduating next year

Always Keeps cough drops on him? 

is a huge cuddler & falls asleep easily

His brain is always active, experiences REM sleep often

fav video games are tekken & hitman

owns a drone now 😏

also loves strategic board games & riddles

Took quarantine life seriously, did his research before it completely broke globally and started buying shit excessively in person and online that he sent most to his family before the campus shut down

Is the friend that will check on his friends :)

Keeps his dorm and his room back home CLEAN af, is OCD about everything being in order/organized. Will know if you touched his shit, Archie felt his wrath many times before

Has a life goal board in his closet, & plans to be fully established by 25. More power to ya Harry!

Celeb crushes: Victoria justice, Jesy Nelson, Deepika Padukone, Brec Bassinger, jasmine tookes, and princess Mae

Who does he listen to? oceanfromtheblue, Galimatias, Ta-Ku, Aries, Tyler, the creator, rich Brian, NIKI, viji, & AJR

Anthem = DPR IAN, “So beautiful”

[kiss-my-freckle]

The Vampire Diaries: 1x11 Rewatch

A beautiful episode. Romantic undertones, but completely innocent. If I could wrap it up into one dialogue, it'd be Stefan's from 1x3. "You're not gonna hurt her, Damon. Because deep down inside, there is a part of you that feels for her." That's why she goes on the trip without her vervain necklace. Damon truly cares for her, but this is the first time she gets to see the side of him that she met before her parents died. 

I consider this episode the brick and mortar of the Delena ship. It’s centered around trust. The trust between Bonnie, her grams, and Stefan. The trust between Elena, Bree, and Damon. It's the reason Elena offers herself up as a hostage to Damon in 1x14. Because she knows what she did. Damon cared, then she turned around and betrayed him because Stefan asked her to. They shat on his humanity, which isn't at all how you get Damon to embrace it. 1x14 solidifies Delena's trust. 

You can see how much Damon cares about Elena through Bree. That’s why he touches her face the way he does, then kills her. “So what are you going to do now? Because if you try and destroy that, I'll rip her heart out." He can’t kill Elena because he cares about her. He’s cared about her since the moment they first met. He can only threaten to kill her. 

Elena has a stalker. Damon scares him away, then helps her out of her car. This scene is fate at work. A natural incident that wasn't created by someone like Markos. They were meant to go to Atlanta together, and this isn't Damon getting romantic with her, but his shred of humanity Stefan spoke of. "I was worried that you had no humanity left inside of you, that you may have actually become the monster that you pretend to be." 

Damon: Time-out. Trust me. 

The parallel to Stefan and Bonnie. 

Stefan: Just close your eyes. Trust me. 

Forget the vampire you see. 

Elena eyes Damon's ring as he taps his steering wheel. Her fear taking over for a moment. “Is that Damon's ring? No. don't, Stefan. keep it hidden." Setting is everything. Elena is scared of Damon, so this daytrip is a leap of faith for her. The bar they hit when he takes her to New York would've been too lit. Bree's bar is quiet, cozy. Elena lights up the place.

Damon enjoys pissing off Stefan, but he also cares for Elena. He can care and gloat at the same time. That’s just who he is. 

This is what Damon and Vicki would’ve looked like had she survived. Having fun for five minutes without life getting in the way. It’ll be there when they get back. 

Elena: This nice act. Is any of it real? Damon: Mmhmm. 

Again, the man she met before her parents died. It’s not an act. He’s not the one pretending to be human. Stefan is. Anyone who sees how these brothers are written.... would understand why Elena ends up with Damon. Night and Day, sun and moon. This is what “whole” looks like. You can see the change in Elena’s attitude between drives. Tense on the way up, relaxed on the way back. She’s comfortable around Damon. 

Elena: You said no more lies. Only the truth. I can handle the truth, Stefan. As crazy as it is, I can handle the fact that you are a vampire. And you have a vampire brother. And that my best friend is a witch. I can accept the fact that the world is a much more mysterious place than I ever thought possible. But this - this lie - I can't take. What am I to you? Who am I to you?

Episode centered around trust. That’s why it starts and ends with Stefan and Elena. They’ll never have what she and Damon do because he can’t stop lying and keeping secrets. And I’m not just talking about the lies he tells her. I’m talking about the lies he tells himself. 

Elena: Did Stefan think that he could use me to replace her? Damon: Kinda creepy if you ask me.

♪ If I only could, I'd make a deal with God, and I'd get him to swap our places ♪ The “human” Katherine Stefan fell in love with. And Damon was being serious. It’s creepy to him. He cares for Elena, but he has no intention of falling for her. He’s in love with Katherine. 

Bree: After all these years, it's still only Katherine.

For now. 

[renwritesstuff]

we are family

Day 4: we are family.

Describe or draw a familiar moment. Are they close, or estranged? Are they blood relatives, or family found with friends?

Two Traynors stared each other down, hands hovering over a small box. There were 5 empty shot glasses in a semicircle around them, flanking the pristine chess board between the pair.

Wiping her hands with a dish towel, Priya Suresh-Traynor pleaded with her family. “Dessert is almost ready, do you two have to do this now?”

“The fate of the galaxy depends on it, mum,” Samantha Traynor mumbled back, not breaking eye contact with her father.

“You heard the kid,” Geoffrey Traynor seconded with a lazy smile. “I need to know my little sprog‘s mind hasn’t gotten soft since she’s been away.”

“Soft?? Did you miss the part where I kicked Polgara T’Suza’s arse across the Citadel?”

“Vid or it didn’t happen.”

What are you, five??

...God, I wish I had a vid. Are there vids? I wonder if I can ask for one...

“I have a trophy proving it happened. And a witness.” Sam’s eyes flitted over to the witness in question, her gaze narrowing.

Commander Annelise Shepard held her glass of red wine in surrender. Her voice came out wet and shaky from her fresh sip. “She’s—” Shepard patted her chest from the cough. “—She’s correct. She electrocuted that asari good.” 

And got a shower as a prize.

That narrow challenge in her eyes switched to panic as Sam glanced back at her father, who was tsking in disapproval. “Neuro-feedback chess? ...Sammy. You didn’t.”

The Comms Specialist scowled. “I didn’t choose it, it was part of the tourney rules. Usually, yes, I have slightly more integrity.” Unless I really want to win, that is. “It was just a lark, father.”

“Well as long as it was on a lark you buried that smug asari, I guess you’re forgiven. ...still can’t top your Dad at 5-Shot Speed Chess though, I bet.” The older man blew on his knuckles theatrically and gave them a wiggle before resuming his position at the worn speed clock.

Oh, you’re on.

“Oh, you’re on.”

Priya gave an apologetic smile at Shepard, who had taken up perch at the kitchen counter partition. The bar seat next to her was empty, waiting for Sam to return from her tense game. The matriarch of the Traynor family was busy at the stove stirring the simmering pot of kheer on one burner while checking a boiling sugary syrup on another. The warm kitchen filled with the scent of Indian spices and jasmine rice bled over into the prefab living room area.

“I wish I could lie and say something like ‘they aren’t usually like this,’ but…” Priya shrugged and smiled fondly at her husband as the game began. The speed clock snapped with each hit as the older and younger Traynor dove into an intense exchange of pieces. “It’s actually a tradition when Sammy comes home.” She paused before clarifying. “A tradition since Sammy was proper drinking age, mind you.”

Annelise smiled and raised an eyebrow. “Is that right?”

Sighing, Priya tapped away her Omni-tool where a reverse countdown timer could be seen by Shepard. “I think it was One-Shot Speed Chess back then,” she admitted. “I swear we were a classy family at some point. ...I can’t recall when, precisely, but I assumed we had to have bumbled into it somewhere in the last 25 years.”

“I’m 26, mum,” Sam reminded loudly as she slapped the clock once more.

“We were definitely classy when you were one, sprog,” Priya snarked back. “I mean, you weren’t because you just ate and shat all day, but Geoffrey and I were newlyweds and still extremely classy.”

“Muuuuuuum!” 

Oh my God do we have to talk about me shitting my diaper in front of Shepard???

Annelise failed to hide a staccato of exhale-laughs behind her wine glass, amused by the exchange.

Oh my God why did we come here?

...Oh shit Dad almost had me there.

Oh shit are they doing this on purpose? Working together against me??

Betrayed by my own flesh and blood!

Sam had to do a few lazy blinks to push back the swimming in her head and vision. Those shots were creeping in fast aided by a full stomach of naan and saag paneer. But she resumed focus on the game at hand, giving the clock another slap as she nudged her white bishop in an offensive position.

“So, Comm—Annelise,” Priya fumbled slightly. “What are your parents like?”

Mum. Did you not watch any ANN profiles? 

Shepard’s sip of wine was casual, unruffled by the question. “Couldn’t tell you. Both gone. Mom when I was four from eezo poisoning, Dad when I was thirteen. Fire in our apartment building.”

What could have been a very awkward silence was instead filled with Priya’s empathetic tongue cluck (honed from years of practice as a registered nurse). “You poor thing. Too much life experience forced onto someone so young.” Her vigorous stirring motion never wavered. “Not to mention the life of a marine on top of all that. What a hand this universe deals us, hm?”

“Indeed,” Annelise agreed. She smiled sadly, her eyes inward as though weighing something. “This reminds me of the dinners I had with my brother and dad.”

Oh? Samantha’s head tilted so she could hear better. Her father was closing in on one corner of the board, but her queen sprang into a hole in his defenses.

“Oh?” Priya asked, echoing Sam’s own curiosity.

Nodding, Annelise rotating the now empty wine glass in her hand. “Dad wasn’t much for cooking, but John loved it. He loved grilling and barbecue. He’d usually save some of his courier paycheck for a good cut of meat at the store and try out different seasonings.” She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. “I bet he would have loved your cooking.”

“I fear I know the answer, but where is ...John?” At Shepard’s nod, Priya continued. “Where is John now?”

Oh no.

Should have given your folks some notes, Traynor.

I didn’t think it was my tale to tell!

How are you this bad at relationships, Traynor??

“Also gone, right before Dad. Car accident.” Annelise chewed her cheek a moment. “You know, before the Skyllian Blitz, I thought I was pretty unlucky based on all that.”

“And now?”

“Well, everything’s kind of a shit show, so jury’s out on that.” Annelise looked over at Sam, who was getting louder and more erratic with her clock taps. “But lucky in other ways.”

“Oh good answer, love!” Priya crowed, snapping the towel in Annelise’s direction. “A for effort, superbly charming response.” Her Omni-tool started beeping, signaling the woman to pull the pot of rice milk off the burner and set it aside to cool before turning her attention to the syrup. “What were three favorite things your brother cooked?”

An exhale deep through Shepard’s nose as she held her chin in her hand. “Oh God, I haven’t thought about that in ages.” She nodded at Priya’s silent pantomime offer to refill her wine glass. “He loved ribeye steak. Kind of fatty for me, and too damn expensive, but… I dunno, I liked it because he liked it so much.”

Aw. Sam felt a pang of longing for Shepard. There was a fondness to the woman’s tone that didn’t come up often. 

How often does Commander Bloody Shepard have a moment to think about her family? Or talk about them?

We should work on that, Traynor.

Geoffrey piped up regarding one of his favorite subjects. “Good man! Good cut of beef. What temperature?” He pointed a finger at Annelise as though calling on a student in one of his classes.

“Medium rare.”

“Good man indeed,” Geoffrey agreed as he slapped the timer one more time. White and black sides pieces were dwindling as lines of attack thinned out.

“Let’s see, what else… He actually did a spiced mutton I really liked. Sometimes lamb. Both were dirt cheap for awhile in Seattle before the drought, so he made a lot of it.” Annelise smiled as she accepted a small round poor of kheer, a sprinkling of ground nuts on top. “Oh, and his ribs were to die for. John had this dry rub mixture he spent months tinkering with. Took damn near eight hours to cook, but worth it.”

Geoffrey exchanged a look with his wife before cutting back to the game. Priya nodded.“Oh we love lamb in this house. One of the many reasons we applied for colony life. No more ration stamps from those artificial trade wars with the Volus, and all our farming sustainable and available direct to the colony first.” Priya fired up her Omni-tool. “I have a lot of great lamb recipes if you’re—goodness! I haven’t asked how your cooking chops fare?”

Nudging a pawn over to take Sam’s knight, Geoffrey jibed. “A loaded question, dear. We all know our Sammy is completely dependent on Alliance-provided cafeteria food. How she survived four years at Oxford is a complete mystery. She should have either ended up three hundred pounds from eating rubbish or died of scurvy.”

Hey!

“You talk a lot of shit, old man, for someone who just got checked. And it’s called a dormitory meal plan, I’ll have you know. I had three square meals.”

I just probably didn’t drink water the entire time. All booze or energy drinks.

“Of cafeteria food, further proving my point. Also, check.”

Ugh. Also, what?

That exhale-laugh from Annelise almost pulled Sam away from her last ditch strategy. The Commander extended her own Omni-tool. “I’d love the help. While I can survive on a remote moon with just a knife and a canteen, I don’t prefer to. I did undercover work for a year after graduating N7, so we had to learn how to be human again. Cooking included. Some of it even some fancy five course meals meant to impress targets.”

“So you know where all the forks go and what they do?” Samantha asked, slapping the timer. “Check.”

“I definitely do.” Those green eyes glittered with mirth.

“Oooh, be still my heart.” Sam shot a finger-gun at her girlfriend.

Priya made some flicking motions with her fingers before an answering ping from Shepard’s wrist. “Well, here are some of Sammy’s favorites. Someone should have them, since the pride of my life can’t make toast.” 

“Hey!”

“I also made note of some of the ones with Sammy’s allergies.”

Annelise flicked through the holo screen, studying the recipes. “Curry, shellfish, and peanuts, right?”

You forgot public speaking and losing at chess to my father.

Sam’s mother clutched her heart theatrically. “You know! Oh Geoffrey, did you hear? Sammy trusted her with shellfish, darling!” Priya poured a ladle full of the syrup over a small pyramid of large cake-like balls that had been chilling in a dish. She brought the dish over to the pair of competitors whose game was nearing completion.

“Check! And I did, love! It seems our Samantha is serious about this one! ...or her commanding officer looked at her file.” He grinned at his daughter before reaching for one of the gulab jamun.

Scowling, Sam slapped his hand away from the bowl before slapping the speed clock again. She could feel a heat rising in her neck and jaw (hopefully it was just the alcohol). “No dessert til we finish the game! And check!” 

After a tentative bite, Annelise dug into the bowl of sweet kheer with enthusiasm. “I mean, you’re not wrong, sir. But I had the decency to act surprised when she finally told me. How was that again, Samantha?” 

Oh sonabitch.

“When we went out on a date in public for the first time and I stole a bite of your lobster roll and my throat closed and we had to go to the med center.”

Both of her parents barked her name at the same time. “Samantha Karuna Traynor!” Her father added, “You always were a sucker for lobster despite never learning your lesson. And check.”

“It was worth it!” Sam squawked. “It was delicious! Also: check mate!” The pawn she’d been nudging forward that her father ignored got promoted to a rook and was now perfectly positioned to box in his king. 

Geoffrey stared at the change of fortune, dismayed and swaying a little in his chair. The shots were clearly taking hold. He tipped his king over in surrender, bowed his head at his daughter, and grabbed the topmost gulab jamun. 

Samantha joined him with a second ball, the syrup coating dripping slightly. They raised their desserts in salute before taking a big bite.

Mouth full, Sam grinned up at Shepard who was standing next to her chair. “I had you there to rescue me, darling. I knew I’d be all right.”

“I hope that’s always the case,” Annelise smiled back as she kissed Sam’s forehead. 

Before she slowly dropped down to one knee.

[mxfandom]

Got Bored and Decided to Transcript My Roomate Reviewing Homestuck Characters

Tw// Strong Language

My Roommate

Me

John:

Ugly

*giggle*

Rose:

Stuck Up

*still laughing* No like what you THINK about them

....Stuck Up

okay

Dave:

He looks like he shat himself and trying to play it off. He bullies other kids for clout

Jade:

And, look like she really needs dick in her life. Nerd Ass

Karkat:

Are these just the transp- uh, are these different people?

*burst into laughter*

*laughing as well* what?, what

These are different type of like species

Alright. For him...ugly

Just ugly?

Terezi:

He (yes she assumed terezi was a guy) looks like he tried to be a rockstar but can’t pull it off because his teeth is just giving him too much Emo vibes. So he just “I have to be a hardcore Emo bruh, uhh, but I don’t have hands so I can’t go uhhh” you know what I mean?

You noticed their signs?

Yeah I noticed their signs, Libra

Libra, ass

Gamzee:

He’s trying too hard. Look at you, you trying to be kiss? You ain’t gonna make it honey, with your long horn ass- you’re horny aren’t you?

*squeeking in laughter at this point*

Kanaya:

Clout

Clout?

Seeker

Vriska:

Oh, I like this one. You look like you got into a little Tussle Tussle. I DON’T appreciate how your horns are asymmetric but it’s okay you can be cool or whatever, Ms. Scorp- oh I don’t like Scorpios fuck you never mind. Where the Leo?

Aradia:

I do like her horns tho. What’s that Aries?

Yeah

Aries are bitches too. My mom’s an Aries but it’s chill. I do like your tattered skirt, looks like you’re ready?

*wheezing* ready for what?

*In the tone of a drag queen* You know what she’s ready for. Got some demon dick in you guurrrrl.

Got the little sizzle with the snake tongue

Nepeta:

Here’s the Leo

Why you gotta be a furry tho?

What’s with the tail? I’m not mad at it, you’re kinda cute. You look like you need some sleep tho with them bags under your eyes but you cute tho, you cute.

Equius:

*immediatly after the last cute* the fuck are you?

Oh, you know, okay so it’s missing teeth right? It look like a panda snout, to me. It looked like a panda snout for a second. Also who you fighting? Who you fightin with your missing teeth. You mad son because you [???] your horn breaking off. But you know what you got the new crocs so that’s good.

The new crocs. He’s very into body building and stuff AND horses. But...

*one of us swallows a laugh*

No tea, no shade

*wheezing in tears* my gosh

Tavros:

I feel sorry for you

You know who put him in a wheelchair?

Who?

Scorpio

I BET A BITCH DID.

*scrolls back up* her

I told you she got into a tussle

*my nose starting running from laughing and now I’m snorting* she threw him off a cLIFf

That’s how scorpios be tho. That’s how scorpios be.

I finnaly breathe and stopped laughing continusesly.

Eridan:

Is that a-? Okay, that’s his hair. Mmmm horny mmmm. I mean you, Aquarius, fishy flashy. I see your little fin gill gills. I see em. You ain’t cute and that colour/collar(?) combination is a little dull and basic so.

Feferi:

You Coachella

Coachella~

Looking ass. You got glasses on? Are those glasses? You need to chill

No, those are swim goggles.

Coachella. In the fucking ocean looking ass. NEXT

Soullux:

Gemini is my moon. I fuck with the glasses, everything in 4-D. 3-D. 4-D technically. But the shoes tho. I mean you really supporting that yin yang double sided face.

He’s like half and half color blind. That’s why the glasses are like that.

Is that why you can’t- Well you can put on the same type of shoes nigga you don’t have to be [stammers]- Is that a SOCK? It look like a sock, for real for real because it ain’t got no base like the other shoe do. So, I mean that’s chill but even if you’re color blind you can put another shoe on. You ain’t got no excuse so.

Jake:

Ugly

Roxy:

Preppy. She looks like she suck dick under a fucking staircase.

She’s an alcoholic

Mm........WOW! So UNEXPECTED

Dirk:

First of all, hat shirt stupid.

Second of all, why you look like you go into your parents basement and play the drums real loud at like 2 am in the morning, just to “be...” you know what I mean. I don’t know what the word for it but

That’s basically his character

Told you

He’s also really into puppets with like dick nose

Dic-wha? You Gay?

Yeah, he is.

I can tell. That fucking hat shirt really sets it off

Jane:

I ain’t got nothing to say. The reason i got nothing to say to this bitch is because that’s the point of her character. In my eyes it looks like you DONT say nothing to that bitch.

That’s Betty Crocker...like the person who made the uh [forgets all Betty Crocker accomplishments] utensils. Cooking utensils? That’s Betty Crocker. Basically. She BASICALLY turns into Betty Crocker.

So as I said. Nobody paid attention to you so you HAD to do Something to get their attention. Obviously making some utensils was the thing for you.

*dying in laughter again* oh my god

Spoon and fork bitch. I get it, everybody has to eat you know.

[moonziah]

sirius gets shot - a fan fiction by moonziah

sirius appears at james and lily’s house noticeably flustered

he looks to be bleeding, but seems very confused

“alright mate? blimey, what happened to you?” james asks

“i’m really bewildered at the moment to be honest... is lily around?” he replies

“nope, she’s round alice and frank’s at the moment.” james tells him

“anyway... tell me why you’re all bloddied up.”

“well you see... i was in a muggle neighbourhood fighting a ruddy death eater, right. then this weird looking bastard comes round the corner and points some weird machine at me and it fires out like a little metal bean! i’ve never seen anything like it mate!”

“bloody hell, what do you think it was?”

“no idea! hurts almost as bad as crucio though i’m telling you! didn’t even know that muggles could inflict that kind of pain on someone...”

“do you think remus would know what it is?” james asked

“maybe... call him and peter over to take a look.”

a few minutes later, peter and remus arrive through the fireplace

peter looks confused whilst remus stands there in shock

“sirius what the hell?” peter screams

“alright alright, i know it looks bad but let me just explain” sirius says

he then tells them what happened

“so... you got shot by a policeman?” remus questions

“i got what?” sirius asks

“by a what?” james chirps in

“for merlin’s sake... i’ll tell you later. let’s just get to a hospital.” remus replies

“we’ll have to go to a muggle one though, the wizard ones will be fully packed and i doubt they’ll know how to deal with this...” peter informs

they then apparate to the nearest muggle hospital and walk into the A&E department

“erm, hello. it seemes that i’ve been shat.” sirius tells the receptionist

“it’s SHOT.” remus shouts

“ah right, sorry. shot.” sirius corrects

“oh my... one moment madam- er- sir.” the receptionist says, picking up the phone in a hurry

“pfft, did she just think you were a girl pads?” james laughs

“oh bugger off james...” sirius elbows him

multiple nurses and doctors then come rushing down the hallways with a stretcher in tow, sirius looks very alarmed

they usher him ontop of the bed and remove his hand from over the wound, sending blood flying out everywhere and onto peter’s clothes

“mate! i just bought this last week!”

they wheel him into a room and start to insert many needles and tubes into him

by this point, james has fainted and is now flopped into an armchair which remus threw his body into after he landed on him

sirius is crying like a baby not because of the wound, but because he hates needles

“sirius, how are you okay with getting shot but not okay with needles?” remus protests

“sir, is this your daughter?” the doctor asks remus

peter is now howling with laughter

“no, this is my best friend... we are the same age. HE got shot during a fight.” remus replies, with emphasis on the fact that sirius is a boy, despite how various nurses are now aware due to them helping sirius into his hospital gown.

the doctor is now red in the face

“many apologies... we need to take him into surgery to remove the bullet. he’ll be in the OR for a few hours.” the doctor says nervously

“alright, thank you doctor.” remus says

they then start to wheel sirius away, whilst he shouts “REMUS! WHERE ARE THEY TAKING ME! HELP! THERE ARE SO MANY TUBES!”

one nurse comes up to them and says “you lot are wizards, aren’t you...”

“and WHAT makes you think that?” peter says dramatically

“well for one, your unconscious friend has a wand sticking out of his pocket. also, what muggle would be so uninformed about what getting shot means?” she whispers

“fair point... you a squib?” peter asks. she nods

after sirius’ surgery, he is very intoxicated due to the morphine they gave him

“moons... moony, what kind of muggle drug is this? can we get some from that guy-“

“SHHH!”

james faints again 30 minutes after waking up when he sees sirius with his IV

a few years later when harry is born, sirius tells him this story as if he will understand

“and that’s the time that i got shit!”

“IT’S SHOT SIRIUS, SHOT!”

[yeosanqtuary]

with u - pt. 12

☆ - list of chapters

☆ - all content are fictional.

“jongho.”

--

san took a deep breath as he stopped in front of the apartment door, raising his hand to the keypad lock. the door unlocked successfully and was pushed open, only to reveal wooyoung sitting on the dining table, working on his homework with hongjoong. 

ah... he didn’t expect to see him immediately when he entered the apartment!

what should he do now?

“oh, hey san. wanna join us?” wooyoung asked as if nothing had happened that afternoon, smiling brightly at him like he always did. 

“a-ah, well, s-sure,” 

“okay! let’s work on our history homework together!”

san nodded and smiled back awkwardly, retreating to his room immediately. 

he was such a dumb ass! why didn’t he just ask to have a moment with wooyoung? how long are you gonna drag this for?

he gathered his materials quickly and stepped into the living room, but hongjoong wasn’t there anymore. maybe he went back to his room?

san awkwardly took a seat opposite wooyoung and set his materials down, accidentally exerting too much strength when he placed his pencil down, causing it to roll off the table. 

wooyoung saw that and immediately dove his hand down the table to grab it, groping around for the pencil. san too had squatted down and was reaching for it, but wooyoung had grabbed his hand instead. 

he immediately pulled it away, as if he was afraid that san might bite, but it was the total opposite. 

“s-sorry,” mumbled wooyoung after he had regained his posture. 

“it’s nothing. thanks for the help! let’s start, shall we?” san stood up and sat down on the tall bar chair, only to almost fall off. seeing this, wooyoung burst out laughing, even though it wasn’t really funny. he doubled over in laughter when san regained his balance but almost fell off again. 

“s-stop laughing! it ain’t funny!” san’s cheeks had turned five shades of red in embarrassment. he buried his face in his arms on the table, secretly enjoying the attention wooyoung was giving him. plus, the way he laughed... the way his laughter was filtered into a melody in his head...

“haha! okay-hahah! f-fine, let’s start for real now,” wooyoung finally managed to contain his laughter and started focusing on the worksheet, but the scene just kept replaying in his mind. 

he ignored the constant replays for almost two minutes, but as soon as his eyes fell onto san’s figure, he erupted in giggles and eventually started laughing loudly. 

“hey, it isn’t that funny...” san whined with an agonized look on his face, feeling like the dumbest ever. 

“i-i’m sorry! it’s just... it’s just-pfft!” wooyoung giggled a few more times and finally stopped, picking up his pen as he took a deep breath to calm himself down. "okay, let's start. share your answer with me when you're done!"

"you too," san replied and the two boys started focusing on their assignment.

eventually, the sounds of their pen and pencil scribbling against the paper filled the quiet living room as the two became engrossed in completing their work. however, like a spell was cast on them, their focus didn’t seem to last and after a short while, their thoughts had drifted to the same place: my soulmate.

san was the first to put down his pencil. he looked up from his paper and leaned forward, resting his chin on his hands. wooyoung noticed his action and looked up too, only to find san staring at him with a smile on his face. he thought that he would want to see his smile every day and blushed at that thought. how nice would that be!

san inched closer as he saw that wooyoung had went back to working on his paper after looking up at him. he was probably feeling shy, san thought. he’s cute when he’s shy.

“h-hey, what are you doing? hurry u-up and finish your work so we can check it together,” wooyoung finally gave in to san’s antics and thus, forgot everything that he wanted to write on his paper. damn it, i had a lot in mind... but i don’t care, since i’m with you.

his cheeks had flushed red again. well not really, since it was already a light shade of red from the start. why was he feeling so much like this today? it was indescribable. he just felt more... happy and lively today. like he wanted to pounce onto san and not let go of him for as long as he could. damn, he could hold on forever, too, if only san wanted him too...

“wooyoung? wooyoung! woo! young!” san’s calls had snapped wooyoung out of his thoughts. he felt so embarrassed to have been daydreaming about san in front of san himself. with that, his cheeks flushed a few shades deeper than it already was. 

“what’s with you today? you’re especially cuter,”

“n-no i’m not! s-stop calling me c-cute...”

san chuckled a little, but sighed afterwards. “wooyoung. i need to tell you... ah, no, we need to talk. wait, no, i mean-”

“mm, i get it already. what’s wrong?” it was wooyoung’s turn to chuckle and think that he was cuter than usual. 

“it’s about, um, that incident during lunch period,” san had spoken the words slowly, observing wooyoung’s expression as each word left his mouth.

"ah... right, i have something to say about that, too. but you go first," thankfully, he didn't seem to avoid the topic or seem uncomfortable with it.

"okay," san took a deep breath. "s-so... what happened was that i had my soulmate pain and yeosang had brought you over. i didn't know why he did it then, but after you touched me, it was clear as day,"

"then, i grabbed your hand and told you that we were-"

"soulmates?!" wooyoung exclaimed, cutting san's sentence off.

"y-yeah. judging from your reaction after you had snapped out of your trance after i told you, it seemed like you hadn't heard it at all, so..."

"san, san! i had a vision! or maybe even just a dumb daydream, that we were in a grass field, with a calming breeze, fresh air and all! you told me that you've finally found me and that we're, we're soulmates!"

san was shocked. what wooyoung experienced was indeed a vision, not a daydream. he had read online that individuals with conditions would experience a vision when they find their soulmate. however, this would only happen once in a blue moon. you could say that wooyoung is very lucky.

seeing that san had this... horrified(filtered by wooyoung's mind) look on his face, wooyoung felt his heart drop from a mountain. a lump had formed in his throat and drops of tears slid down his soft, rosy cheeks.

"w-what's wrong? was my vision actually a dumb daydream? a-am i not your soulmate after all? am i... no, will i ever... find a soulmate? s-san, i t-think you mistook me for someone else. i could never-"

seeing wooyoung like this totally broke san's heart. he didn't want to hear anymore of those words. immediately, he went over to wooyoung and took him into his warm embrace, gently stroking his back.

"wooyoung-ah. i haven't mistook you for anyone else. that wonderful feeling, that electricity that shot through my body when you touched me, that voice in me screaming that you were my soulmate. plus, i'm sure my indicator is red right now,"

wooyoung flinched when he heard the last sentence. he released the hug and looked for a red indicator.

"!!!"

indeed, it was red.

"someone else could've touched you at the same time as i did..." he was feeling depressed again.

"hold on, before you think of anything ridiculous! i've read about an article regarding visions. apparently, those with conditions can experience visions! but it's a once in a blue moon thing. since your vision was about us, then i'm sure it is the vision. so, neither of us have mistaken anything. you're my soulmate, and i'm your soulmate,"

"r-really..." wooyoung sniffled, "i'm glad..."

san smiled and raised his hands to his cheeks, wiping his tears off.

"there, there, don't cry. you've finally found your soulmate,"

"saaaan!!! i really, r-really-hic-like youuu! i'm so happy. i'm so glad my soulmate is you!"

with his hands still cupping wooyoung's cheeks, san leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on his lips.

"i like you too, wooyoung,"

they embraced each other for a few more minutes, while a certain couple had walked in and accidentally stepped on san's abandoned assignment. it had found its way onto the floor, right in front of the door.

"ah... see, joong? i told you we should've came back later!"

"damn, sorry hwa. but i needed to take a shit and there weren't any appropriate public toilets i could've shat in,"

anyway, san didn't even notice the two elders. he was too engrossed in thinking. thinking about their future. they would get a job after graduating high school, rent an apartment and adopt a cat or a dog, maybe. wake up to each other's faces... wow, the life. and maybe... spicy nights? damn...

"san? san... d-do you wanna go get, um, i-ice cream?" wooyoung had calmed down and realised he had been running his snot and tears all over san's shoulder and he kinda wanna compensate that.

san had no idea why but it seemed like he could listen to what wooyoung was thinking, even though he wasn't speaking at all.

"ah, you wanna compensate me? no worries," he smirked and proceeded to sweep wooyoung off the floor and headed his room.

"a-ah, i-i'm not-"

"what are you thinking?" he chuckled, gently flicking his forehead. "change your clothes! i'm gonna go change into mine, too. we're gonna get ice cream. you're paying!"

damn, i'm not dreaming, right?

[xstick-noodlesx]

My sister and I talked about weird things in the wizarding world (1/?)

@akira-vargas

-the castle is way too big

-the stairs keep moving and I bet every student was late because of that at least once

-candles everywhere are a fire hazard, especially floating ones

-all the dangerous things that Dumbledore keeps should NOT be kept in a school for children or the surrounding woods (eg. trolls, three-headed dogs, giant fuck-off snakes, giant spiders, the stone, …)

-Dumbledore is an irresponsible principal

-he just hires teachers that he likes without any background checks

-he hires Remus and doesn’t check whether or not he goes somewhere safe or takes his potion during full moons

-kids can participate in deadly tournaments

-the “treasures” are literally other children that were basically taken and put on the bottom of a lake

-one of the teachers bullies children to the point that one child’s biggest fear is literally that teacher

-instead of sending kids to normal detention, he has them walk around the dangerous, beast filled forest in the middle of the night

-someone is petrifying students and Dumbledore doesn’t think of sending the students home

-kids could literally fall from the moving staircases if they move while the kids are on them

-talking pictures are creepy and you can’t convince me not at least one of the pictures creeps on the kids

-when Hogwarts presumes Sirius is looking for Harry, they just go along with their day and don’t try to give him extra protection at all

-no phones, sending important messages through owls would take way too long

-the whole Sirius situation proves how incompetent the ministry is and no one – not even Dumbledore – thought twice of locking someone up without proper trial

-they have literal house elve slaves

-the Black family is literally abusing their kids and no one thinks twice about it and why? because they're an old wizard family

-travelling through toilets

-Dumbledore's first instinct after finding little Harry with his parents dead is to give him to his aunt and uncle who he knows hate wizards

-why can’t Harry just bring a gun or a knife or smth to a fight

-why do they have to use feathers and not pens – just the thought of writing my A-Levels with a feather instead of a pen physically pains me

-they don’t use ANY muggle technology like lamps, telephones, etc.

-the only muggle technology they use are like toilets and before that, they literally shat on the floor

-the only prison we ever hear of is Azkaban but imagine going to Azkaban and being in the cell next door to a murderer for stealing an owl

-also, the fact that Azkaban is supposed to be high security and literally every other person breaks out

-are there any people working at Azkaban or do the Dementors cook the meals for the prisoners??

-the only thing the Dementors really do is inconvenience and nearly kill children

-why isn’t time travel used more like if you’re careful it should be fine

-care for magical creatures is way too dangerous for children, it’s like us interacting with wild bears

-the fact that Dobby could block the entrance to the platform 9 ¾  without any problems so that two students couldn’t get to school is “dumb as shit” (quote, my sister); it’s like some random dude coming up to your school, locking the door and keeping you out and no one does anything about it

-why send first years across a lake at night in little boats with only the groundskeeper to supervise them; safety hazard

-they have not enough teachers I feel

-are there only like ten beds for each year for each house? what if there’s one student more?

-the fact that they have to use a password to get into their house

-the fact that the Ravenclaws have to solve a riddle to get into their house so what if someone else just happens to solve the riddle???

-they use the same old hat to sort every student and what if one of the students have lice then every first year after that student will have lice

-how much food gets thrown away every day at Hogwarts???

-are there more wizarding schools than the four we know of? like is there one in Germany? Or Poland? Or Iceland? Or South America? Imagine being an eleven-year-old German child and being sent to Hogwarts and knowing little to no English because, well, you’re an eleven-year-old child

-is there sex ed in Hogwarts??

-Gryffindor wins everything; you can tell they are Dumbledore’s favourites

-the wizarding world basically has the death penalty or the soul-sucking penalty which is just as bad

-prisoners are basically abused and/or neglected when in Azkaban

-they had one detention where a student has to sign autographs late at night with his teacher

-the only competent defence against dark arts teacher gets fired because he transformed into a werewolf on school grounds which is something that Dumbledore should have been able to prevent

-Snape isn’t only bullying children, he also bullies his colleagues and NO ONE gives a frick

-the fact that a little girl died on the school grounds and another student was framed and convicted; none of the teachers faced repercussions because of the negligence

-the fact that that little girl is now a ghost and peeping on other students on the toilets

-the fact that there are no safety measures taken during quidditch?? what if a student falls from their broom??? What if someone gets a bludger to the face???

-why is there a restricted section in the school library??? If the books are dangerous why are they in a school library???

-why does harry get to keep the invisibility cloak??

-don’t they have PE for like the students that don’t want to play a dangerous broom flying sport??

-why is there a literal roller coaster with a dragon down in the bank basement??? Why is it such an inconvenience to get some money from the bank???

-the houses themselves make no sense?? Like personalities can change??

-some student died during the tournament and there are no repercussions?? No one is sued??? No one is angry at Dumbledore or the other headmasters???

-what if you need to talk to Dumbledore but don’t know his stupid office password??

-why do they have one book that just screams at you when you open it???

-or a book that tries to eat you as soon as you open it??? And you need to like pet it to open it

-why is everyone angry that one of the teachers is a werewolf but no one cares about giant squids, murderous mermaids in the lake, giant spiders, giant snakes, etc??

-if I was a parent and my child would be bullied by Snape you can bet your butt that I’d have him fired

-Dumbledore is constantly encouraging Harry’s reckless behaviour

-the fact that you have to get parental permission to go to Hogsmeade

-how is a cat or a toad supposed to bring you your mail??

-why can every student bring a pet?? That seems like such a mess to me. What if I’m allergic to cat hair and my roommate has a cat?? What if his cat murders my owl??

-why are the Weasleys allowed to bring a rat?

-why is no one talking about how Peter Pettigrew was literally sleeping in the same bed as an eleven-year-old boy as a rat??

-the owls are in little cages??

-the fact that students get to turn their animals into objects should count as animal abuse

-why are there so many cats but not a single litter box?

-did the other cats try to get with McGonaggal??

-why did the school allow the Ministry to literally slaughter Buckbeak on school property?

-there was a cell at the ready for Sirius at Hogwarts and they talk about dungeons under the school? Why? it’s a school for children

-has a student ever walked in on McGonaggal while she was licking her own butthole?

-did she take part in the cats movie? And was she part of the butthole cut??

-am I allowed to bring Mr Mistoffelees, a magical cat, to school with me?

-the fact that Madame Hooch left all the kids alone with their brooms to take care of Neville

-how can a giant squid survive in a literal lake?

-were they planning on basically executing Sirius on school grounds?

-do they have a police force that takes care of minor crimes like shoplifting?

-do they have wheelchair ramps at Hogwarts? Do people get to bring their seeing-eye dog

-the long staircases to the towers

-why is the Slytherin house literally underground? Like no sunlight?

-Having houses only encourages bullying

-can I get a normal job or university place with my Hogwarts degree?

[arpmemething2]

Game Grumps Starter Sentences

Send one in for my muse’s response.

"If I can't be the best, I sure as hell can be the WOOOOORST!"

"I don't know if I trust this sneaky chinaman dog."

"Dude, just fuckin' be Goofy; like let your Goof free you know?"

"The bitches were bitches, and the men were bitches"

"Don’t fucking judge me, I can make what I want- I can make my own sandwich."

"Inside, we're all a bunch of sadists."

"Did I just get a lesson in morality from someone that just asked a corporation to jizz on his face?"

“Fuck you, you fucking piece of garbage shit ass penis licker! LICKIN’ PENIS!”

"At age 6 I was born without a face"

"My goal is to pee in every major body of water on earth."

"The Jews faked the moon landing."

"Is it weird that I’ve never kissed a guy? "

"Everything's a joke."

"That's how you braek down, uh, an unassailably lovable character, just make him a pedophile."

"Oh, I don’t have a desk in the office. I just like to do my work in reclined-couch-like position"

"He's evil for sure. Have you seen the way he eats his soup? SLURURURURURP. What an asshole!"

"Yes I do remember that dry tugging hand job I gave you at the Jersey Shore."

"Listen I'll win a fight against anything that doesn't fight."

"No one knows how I feel more than me. "

"Aw jimminey-jillakers. Gee-whiz Batman. Aw frick. Oh jeezum."

"How am I supposed to watch anime on a sushi?"

"I was the greatest load my dad ever shot. "

"That is some anal destruction. "

"You can’t open up the story of my life and just fucking go to page 738 and think you know me."

"Wouldn't it be funny if you...lose a family member?"

"ONLY EGGS CAN SUSTAIN ME"

"There ain't no quittin' time in Octopus Gas Station Town."

"Don't count your chickens before they egg."

"I can’t believe you’ve never had my eggs!"

"I just wanna know that I can beat all of my friends in a fight. That’s very important to me."

"I just shat myself so hard I sobered up from the opium"

"Did you think I came out the pussy drawing fucking Mozart?"

"Tell your boyfriend i spooted all over your censor bars."

"Are you hungry? We should go to INFINININ-AND-OUT BURGER!"

"I'LL FUCKING STAB YOUR PARENTS!"

"Could you imagine if your body was constructed completely out of ballsack material?"

"Put that on a starry background."

"Life is a repeated endless kick to the nuts. And then when you think you got the hang of it, Life is like 'Hey, I got these new boots I’d like to try out on your nuts.'"

"What am I willing to put up with today? NOT FUCKING THIS!"

"When you’re a kid you think adults opinions matter more because they’re adults and they know how the world works, and then you become an adult and you’re like adults are just asshole kids that got bigger. "

“What is- like wha- this is worthless over here.”

"Please don't dream about my wife"

"Stay in school, don't do drugs, eat your teeth"

"Well, I live on a planet called Earth. The population is six millbillion or something."

"Do you think that they make people in Guantanamo Bay play this until they go insane?"

"The only people who don't like sluts are the people who don't get any."

[italianfish]

Here’s some things that I’ve overheard recently

- That bridge was created by erosion

- Holy tolino that’s a nice tree!

- Ivy! There’s the guy we don’t like (Trump in a car)

- Why wouldn’t you want to be king? You could get corgis, they’re adorable

- That’s not an allergy, that’s a life choice

- Are you that one guy? Are you DongleMc DongleSon?

- Woooo! CHEMEX!

- THE FURIES ARE COMING

- I NEED A BOYFRIEND AND A SWEATSHIRT

- I wonder what animal that is? Oh wait, it’s a log

- Just a cone, no ice cream. I don’t like ice cream

- My chicken BLT came without the chicken!

- I should have kept the headband from the tampons

- You’ve been reduced to a codename

- Hug, Marry, Exile, the Brucified sleepover game

- It’s just the toes

- Parf Tarts

- It’s crispy?!?!

- When I’m like, 60, I’m going to do drugs

- What really is life without watching Bob Ross?

- 13 YEARS!!!

- Stacy’s mom is Parker’s grandma~

- EmBruce it

- It’s not a water break, it’s a hydration break

- That bird is using a crosswalk!

- I don’t know any colleges in Massachusetts!

- What even is frick without frack

- I’m emotionally offended by your haircut

- That’s like a cat fart

- Someone just shat

- I’M NOT A CHILD PREDATOR DEANNA!!!

- I’ll sue that movie, they stole my idea (Just finished watching Hotel Transylvania 3)

- See, Amanda. That’s your noise

- My mom told me that if you sleep with your phone under your pillow you get fat

- If he were gay he’d be adorable

- He’s racist to chairs

- Flarion is my boob

- Don’t throw the ball at the referee, it’ll hurt his feelings

- Fuck yeah, your name’s Keith

- Can you deep throat a firecracker?

- Your earlobe is soft

- I would sell my toes for my old hair

- It’s like eating a period, NO

- What a funny looking animal (Giraffe)

- Giraffes are the most ridiculous animals

- Ew, keep your ebola away from me

- Look at that glass shard, that must be uncomfortable

- Do sloths have ears?

- Lip jellies freak me out

- A: I have three boobs (Sloth in shirt) B: I have uh.... Arthritis

- Instagram knows I’m lonely

- Knock on any Nonna’s door and tell them you’re Jewish and they’ll pity you and throw you a feast

- But this time it’s just the nose

- I want Granny panties

- Why do we only have confidence when our shirts are off?

- Why is an 8 year old twerking on my leg

- She has curves, you have rectangles

- I’m depressed, give me your water

- Dude! I look like a freaking lion!

- My loofa unraveled...

- I’m eating ramen with a singular coffee straw

- These walls better be soundproof (Amanda loudly singing in the background)

- I’m ready for my 4am Taco Bell runs

- Wifi in Spanish is wee-fee

- I didn’t see the body

- We should crochet together

- Yeah! I was a baby model.

- I don’t know if he likes me or if he’s just the gay best friend

- Have you pooped this week? You need to poop

- You’ve got all your limbs and you’re ready to go

- I need affection

- Diego’s eating rocks again~

- Wait. You’re instagramming my dog?

- I love letting people know what I’m up to

- It’s so funny, it’s like the ying and the yang

- You’re in my world now Grandma

- Two nipples? I don’t need nipples

- You are one gassy fellow

- You’ve got a lot of nerve showing up on our side of the bus

- I can never tell if you’re just depressed or listening to music

- I’ve got a photo shoot coming up for a calendar, for hot teachers with 6-packs. I’m October

- 38 on rotten potatoes!

- I’m hungry, I’m delirious

- DON’T PINCH MY CHUB

- I love clapping thighs in the evening

- Dude, I’m so ready to mingle

- Do you have a magician book

- Let’s taste those minerals

- The sauce is forever

- Why is everything so straight

- The right nipples don’t deserve rights

- We used to have a zebra and he was vicious

- Very important, I forgot shoes

- You look like a lumber snack

- A: I’m the only one here who looks like a hobo B: Really? Say that again A: We can be hobos together

- Woah dude! Can we take a picture of you? *Truck next to the bus*

- What were you guys doing? Bathing yourselves in the toilet?

- I want to be those people in Wii sports (The background characters that make the noises)

- Then we can have a dance party in a prison cell!

- Most of the bible sounds like gay fanfics

- It’s Frozen all over again!

- I have my metal bus on the straw

- My mom told my Dad to not be a weenie

- I’m going to build my house doors really short so you can’t come in

- Do you want to be black with me?

- Are you the black man?

- How did chutes and ladders go sexual?

- What if there was a rotisserie chicken hanging from the ceiling

- No one said Californians are smart, they’re just hippies who smoke weed

- Stop losing me in airport bathrooms

- What’s with those muscular kneecaps

- Queers doesn’t shake hands

- I’m drowning! I’m not even in the water

- Is this baptism?

- Breakfast doesn’t deserve grace

- It’s not just airport bathrooms

- Ice Age, watch it, absorb it

- I call first waz

- If you’re saying waz you’re not fancy

- I have so many bodily fluids to get rid of

- Don’t eat the lotion samples

- Why are our shoes not curved

- I’m just a fat guy so everything is delicious

- My name is Gay Fieri

- *Monotone iCarly theme song*

- I love Chipoodle

- The others are just Bat-ships

- You ever tie a banana to a tree?

- Can we have a fashion show?

- I’m gonna waz myself

- That’s the Death Star again

- Why do you have glitter on you?

- I smoke the mara-ja-wanna

- I have a gelato emergency

- This is our entertainment for the day (Watching a (probably) crazy man dance)

- I have a lot of questions about pottery

- Ever since I was a small child I have found myself goo-goo-ga-ga

- There are too many cans

- We need to stop canning beans

- Forks are way better than spoons

- I hate spoons

- Do you not want two hours of smooth jazz

- A man just stole my nut

- That’s a really bad name for a gay bar

- Is your tongue comfortable in your mouth

- I’m a penguin enthusiast

- He kept force feeding me marshmallows

- Why would you judge a girl by her neck?

- Are there shampoo bars?

- Why would you want a shampoo bar?

- Don’t burn down the house

- Halloween is my day

- You want to be hydrated?

- Are you kidding me? Right in front of my salad?

- We can still cartwheel into a fiery ball

- It’s your last day of camp, why are you trying to land a plane

- There’s a scale from dude to bro to sir

- Gotta vacuum the bird

- I’m teaching my rabbit spanish

- Ok, who got the cheese on a bun???

- I feel like a wet lasagna

- You can get a star for Jazz???

- I have 3 bottles of hand sanitizer

- A- We make children cry! B- NO WE DON’T

- A- Can I have chicken on a plate? B- Chicken on a plate? A- Chicken on a plate

- I want to go to band to get sweaty

- Proactive, it helps your face

- The cult meeting is next week from 2-7

- This is so vegany

- I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE SONG! NOT THE BEATLES!

- I have shrimp for later

- It burns my eyes, I love it

- It’s not that we hate you, it’s just that sometimes we can’t stand you

- Locked and loaded for a photoshoot first period

- This chalk keeps following me

- Kinda like a Starbucks atmosphere

- How dare she learn how to drive

- You have to sing our anthem with us

- It fits right into the squiggle

- I’m immune to hot sauce (Downs little cup of hot sauce)

- How was fake meatloaf?

- Can you train a fish?

- I haven’t worn pants in a year

- It smells like yogurt

- I have ties for every holiday

- There’s no laws on the moon, so like, you could kill someone???

- Optional means I don’t do it

- I’m gonna cook your dog!!!

- Is that where we almost went to park jail?

- We don’t condone sporting

- I want to turn orange

- Let’s make a buzfeed quiz that tells you what bridge you are

- (In Spanish) Where is the milk?

- If silence is gold, duct tape is silver

- A: So, what are you guys doing? B: Drugs.

- Young successful jewish boy

- A: I’m fun size! *Friend laughter* B: I’m just short...

- A: Where’s my medal??? B: Up your ass

- I’m a leech

- If anyone’s getting salmonella, it’s going to be me

- Does it involve backflips?

- I get to see all the little children getting confused as you disappear into a chair

- I think someone stole my balls by now

- A- A plastic knife can cut another plastic knife B- Why did you cut a plastic knife? A- Dedication!

- A- Oh my god! B- What does this have to do with god? C- *Whispering* Everything

- You’re probably going to die of liver

- I’m a five year old! You can’t have that profanity in here!

- Hey kids get in the van, we’ve got free wifi

- That’s worse than 10 babies hanging from a tree

- Are you from the piggers of creation???

- A- You’re like an old married couple B- (From the distance) He started it!

- I am a Jesus Christ in a person!

- YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY CHROMOSOMES THAT COST ME!!!

- I will implant a chip in your ankle! And you won’t know which one!

- I’M AN AVATAR! AIR! (Nothing happens) AIR! (Still nothing)

- When I was on a plane, we started dropping 200 feet at a time, the funny thing was that half of the plane had just gotten their drinks so half the plane was soaked

- Is Christianity a cult?

- A- Do you have experiences with holes B- (Very Unsure) Yes

- I’m her bitch, not your bitch

- He has the IQ of half a ferret

- A- Did you read the game manual? B- The gay manual??

- I want the pleasure of whipping you

- One time I poured a glass of apple cider vinegar and I drank it

- I changed my name to Johnyay West

- Too much damage done to the duner

- On a scale to 1 to Bill Cosby

- Ariana Grande is a criminal

- A- It’s sticky B- Can I take that out of context? A- No

- YOU ZIP TIED HIM TO A CHAIR?!

- It’s half past a freckle

- I need the crotch

- I don’t have imaginary friends. I don’t have friends.

- It’s like a mini fridge for pillows

- You hurt yourself with a stationary elbow

- My parents met at Burger King

- A- What’s the capital of Ohio B- Arkansas...?

- A- What do you do after school? B- Eat C- Sleep D- Cry

- Ask for cocaine, not Coca-Cola

- HOW HAVE YOU NOT TOLD US YOU MAKE STAINED GLASS?!

- You stole my meme bro

- A- Where you the one who drank chocolate sauce? B- (Seemingly proud) Yes.

- OW! MY CALVES!

- The Kardashians are necessary in our society!!!

- I feel like a homeless prostitute

- Ya wanna share a fork

- Now you have a pile of hot cheese