#you said GREENS BEANS POTATOES TOMATOES-

[princessbrunette]

KNIFE PLAY

PET PLAY

CNC

DRUGGING

GANG BANG

HALLOWEEN CHAREVTERS FUCKING

IJBOLDKDKDKS no hi no hello you got straight to business. you know what anon i like you

[lsdoiphin]

Foods of Vestur

@broncoburro and @chocodile provoked me into doing some illustrated worldbuilding for Forever Gold ( @forevergoldgame ), an endeavor I was happy to undertake. Unbeknownst to me, it would take the better part of a week to draw.

In the process, I conjured about an essay's worth of fantasy food worldbuilding, but I'm going to try and keep things digestible (pardon my pun). Lore under the cut:

The Middle Kingdom

The Middle Kingdom has ample land, and its soil, landscapes, and temperate climate are amenable to growing a variety of crops and raising large quantities of livestock. The Midland palate prefers fresh ingredients with minimal seasoning; if a dish requires a strong taste, a cook is more likely to reach for a sharp cheese than they are to open their spice drawer. Detractors of Middle Kingdom cuisine describe it as bland, but its flavor relies on the quality of its components more than anything.

KEY CROPS: wheat, potatoes, carrots, green beans, apples, pears, and grapes KEY LIVESTOCK: Midland goats, fowl, and hogs

ROAST FOWL: Cheap and easy to raise, fowl is eaten all over Vestur and by all classes. Roasted whole birds are common throughout, but the Middle Kingdom's approach to preparation is notable for their squeamish insistence on removing the head and neck before roasting, even among poorer families. Fowl is usually roasted on a bed of root vegetables and shallots and served alongside gravy and green beans.

GOAT RIBEYE: Vestur does not have cattle – instead it has a widely diversified array of goats, the most prominent being the Middle Kingdom's own Midland goat. The Midland goat is a huge caprid that fills the same niche as cattle, supplying Vestur with meat and dairy products. Chevon from the Midland goat is tender with a texture much like beef, though it retains a gamier, “goat-ier” taste. It is largely eaten by the wealthy, though the tougher and cheaper cuts can be found in the kitchens of the working class. Either way, it is almost always served with gravy. (You may be sensing a pattern already here. Midlanders love their gravy.)

FETTUCCINE WITH CHEESE: Noodles were brought to the Middle Kingdom through trade with the South and gained popularity as a novel alternative to bread. The pasta of Midland Vestur is largely eaten with butter or cream sauce; tomato or pesto sauces are seldom seen.

CHARCUTERIE WITH WINE: Charcuterie is eaten for the joy of flavors rather than to satiate hunger, and therefore it is mainly eaten by the upper class. It is commonly eaten alongside grape wine, a prestigious alcohol uniquely produced by the Middle Kingdom. The flavor of grape wine is said to be more agreeable than the other wines in Vestur, though Southern pineapple wine has its share of defenders.

BREAD WITH JAM AND PRESERVES, TEA SANDWICHES, & ROSETTE CAKE: Breads and pastries are big in the Middle Kingdom. The Middle Kingdom considers itself the world leader in the art of baking. Compared to its neighbors, the baked goods they make are soft, light, and airy and they are proud of it. Cakes in particular are a point of ego and a minor source of mania among nobility; it is a well-established cultural joke that a Middle Kingdom noble cannot suffer his neighbor serving a bigger, taller cake. The cakes at Middle Kingdom parties can reach nauseatingly wasteful and absurdist heights, and there is no sign of this trend relenting any time soon.

CHOWDER, FARMER'S POT PIE, GRIDDLECAKES, EGGS, CURED MEATS: If you have the means to eat at all in the Middle Kingdom, you are probably eating well. Due to the Midland's agricultural strength, even peasant dishes are dense and filling. Eggs and cured meats are abundant, cheaper, and more shelf stable than fresh cuts and provide reprieve from the unending wheat and dairy in the Midland diet.

STEWED APPLES AND PEARS, JAM AND PRESERVES: The Midland grows a number of different fruits, with apples and pears being the most plentiful. In a good year, there will be more fruit than anyone knows what to do with, and so jams and preserves are widely available. Stewed fruit has also gained popularity, especially since trade with the Southern Kingdom ensures a stable supply of sugar and cinnamon.

NORTHERN KINGDOM - SETTLED

The Northern Kingdom is a harsh and unforgiving land. Historically, its peoples lived a nomadic life, but since the unification of the Tri-Kingdom more and more of the Northern population have opted to live a settled life. The “settled North” leads a hard life trying to make agriculture work on the tundra, but it is possible with the help of green meur. The Northern palate leans heavily on preserved and fermented foods as well as the heat from the native tundra peppers. Outsiders often have a hard time stomaching the salt, tang, and spice of Northern cuisine and it is widely considered “scary.”

KEY CROPS: potatoes, beets, carrots, tundra pepper KEY LIVESTOCK: wooly goats, hares*

GOAT POT ROAST: Life up north is hard work and there is much to be done in a day. Thus, slow cooked one-pot meals that simmer throughout the day are quite common.

VENISON WITH PICKLES: Game meat appears in Northern dishes about as much as farmed meat – or sometimes even more, depending on the location. Even “classier” Northern dishes will sometimes choose game meat over domesticated, as is the case with the beloved venison with pickles. Cuts of brined venison are spread over a bed of butter-fried potato slices and potent, spicy pickled peppers and onions. The potatoes are meant to cut some of the saltiness of the dish, but... most foreigners just say it tastes like salt, vinegar, and burning.

MINER STEW: While outsiders often have a hard time distinguishing miner stew from the multitude of beet-tinged stews and pot roasts, the taste difference is unmistakable. Miner's stew is a poverty meal consisting of pickles and salt pork and whatever else is might be edible and available. The end result is a sad bowl of scraps that tastes like salt and reeks of vinegar. The popular myth is that the dish got its name because the Northern poor began putting actual rocks in it to fill out the meal, which... probably never happened, but facts aren't going to stop people from repeating punchy myths.

RYE TOAST WITH ONION JAM: Rye is hardier than wheat, and so rye bread is the most common variety in the North. Compared to Midland bread, Northern bread is dense and gritty. It is less likely to be enjoyed on its own than Midland bread, both because of its composition and because there's less to put on it. Unless you've the money to import fruit spreads from further south, you're stuck with Northern jams such as onion or pepper jam. Both have their appreciators, but bear little resemblance to the fruit and berry preserves available elsewhere in Vestur.

HARE DAIRY: Eating hare meat is prohibited in polite society due to its association with the haretouched and heretical nomadic folk religions, but hare dairy is fair game. Hare cheese ranges from black to plum in color, is strangely odorless, and has a pungent flavor akin to a strong blue cheese. It is the least contentious of hare milk products. Hare milk, on the other hand, is mildly toxic. If one is not acclimated to hare milk, drinking it will likely make them “milk sick” and induce vomiting. It is rarely drunk raw, and is instead fermented into an alcoholic drink similar to kumis.

MAPLE HARES AND NOMAD CANDY: Maple syrup is essentially the only local sweetener available in the North, and so it is the primary flavor of every Northern dessert. Simple maple candies are the most common type of sweet, though candied tundra peppers – known as “nomad candy” – is quite popular as well. (Despite its name, nomad candy is an invention of the settled North and was never made by nomads.)

TUNSUKH: Tunsukh is one of the few traditions from the nomadic era still widely (and openly) practiced among Northern nobility. It is a ceremonial dinner meant as a test of strength and endurance between political leaders: a brutally spiced multi-course meal, with each course being more painful than the last. Whoever finishes the dinner with a stoic, tear-streaked face triumphs; anyone who cries out in pain or reaches for a glass of milk admits defeat. “Dessert” consists of a bowl of plain, boiled potatoes. After the onslaught of tunsukh, it is sweeter than any cake.

NORTHERN KINGDOM – NOMADIC NORTH

Although the Old Ways are in decline, the nomadic clans still live in the far North beyond any land worth settling. They travel on hareback across the frozen wasteland seeking “meur fonts” - paradoxical bursts of meur that erupt from the ice and provide momentary reprieve from the harsh environment. The taste of nomad food is not well documented.

KEY CROPS: N/A KEY LIVESTOCK: hares

PEMMICAN: Nomadic life offers few guarantees. With its caloric density and functionally indefinite “shelf life,” pemmican is about as close as one can get.

SEAL, MOOSE: Meat comprises the vast majority of the nomadic diet and is eaten a variety of ways. Depending on the clan, season, and availability of meur fonts, meat may be cooked, smoked, turned to jerky, or eaten raw. Moose and seal are the most common sources of meat, but each comes with its own challenges. Moose are massive, violent creatures and dangerous to take down even with the aid of hares; seals are slippery to hunt and only live along the coasts.

WANDER FOOD, WANDER STEW: When a green meur font appears, a lush jungle springs forth around it. The heat from red meur fonts may melt ice and create opportunities for fishing where there weren't before. Any food obtained from a font is known as “wander food.” Wander food is both familiar and alien; the nomads have lived by fonts long enough to know what is edible and what is not, but they may not know the common names or preparation methods for the food they find. Fish is simple enough to cook, but produce is less predictable. Meur fonts are temporary, and it's not guaranteed that you'll ever find the same produce twice - there is little room to experiment and learn. As a result, a lot of wander food is simply thrown into a pot and boiled into “wander stew,” an indescribable dish which is different each time.

CENVAVESH: When a haretouched person dies, their hare is gripped with the insatiable compulsion to eat its former companion... therefore, it is only proper to return the favor. Barring injury or illness, a bonded hare will almost always outlive its bonded human, and so the death of one's hare is considered a great tragedy among nomads. The haretouched – and anyone they may invite to join them – sits beside the head of their hare as they consume as much of its rib and organ meat as they can. Meanwhile, the rest of the clan processes the remainder of the hare's carcass so that none of it goes to waste. It is a somber affair that is treated with the same gravity as the passing of a human. Cenvavesh is outlawed as a pagan practice in the settled North.

HARE WINE: While fermented hare's milk is already alcoholic, further fermentation turns it into a vivid hallucinogen. This “hare wine” is used in a number of nomad rituals, most notably during coming of age ceremonies. Allegedly, it bestows its drinker with a hare's intuition and keen sense of direction... of course, truth is difficult to distinguish from fiction when it comes to the Old Ways.

SOUTHERN KINGDOM

The Southern Kingdom is mainly comprised of coast, wetland, and ever-shrinking jungle. While the land is mostly unfit for large-scale agriculture, seafood is plentiful and the hot climate is perfect for exorbitant niche crops. What they can't grow, they obtain easily through trade. Southerners have a reputation for eating anything, as well as stealing dishes from other cultures and “ruining” them with their own interpretations. KEY CROPS: plantains, sweet potato, pineapple, mango, guava, sugarcane KEY LIVESTOCK: fowl, marsh hogs, seals

GLAZED EEL WITH FRIED PLANTAINS: A very common configuration for Southern food is a glazed meat paired with a fried vegetable. It almost doesn't matter which meat and which vegetable it is – they love their fried food and they love their sweet and salty sauces in the South. Eel is a culturally beloved meat, much to the shock and confusion of visiting Midlanders.

NARWHAL STEW: Narwhal stew is the South's “anything goes” stew. It does not actually contain narwhal meat, as they are extinct (though the upper class may include dolphin meat as a protein) – instead, the name comes from its traditional status as a “forever soup,” as narwhals are associated with the passage of time in Southern culture. Even in the present day, Southern monasteries tend massive, ever-boiling pots of perpetual stew in order to feed the monks and sybils who live there. Narwhal stew has a clear kelp-based broth and usually contains shellfish. Beyond that, its ingredients are extremely varied. Noodles are a popular but recent addition.

FORAGE: The dish known as “forage” is likewise not foraged, or at least, it hasn't been forage-based in a good hundred years at least. Forage is a lot like poke; it's a little bit of everything thrown into a bowl. Common ingredients include fish (raw or cooked), seaweed, fried noodles, marinated egg, and small quantities of fruit.

HOT POT: Hot pot is extremely popular, across class barriers, in both the South proper and its enclave territories. This is due to its extreme flexibility - if it can be cooked in a vat of boiling broth, it will be. Crustaceans and shellfish are common choices for hot pot in the proper South, along with squid, octopus, mushrooms, and greens.

FLATBREAD: The Southern Kingdom doesn't do much baking. The vast majority of breads are fried, unleavened flatbreads, which are usually eaten alongside soups or as wraps. Wraps come in both savory and sweet varieties; savory wraps are usually stuffed with shredded pork and greens while sweet wraps – which are much more expensive – are filled with fruit and seal cheese.

GRILLED SKEWERS, ROAST SWEET POTATO: While a novel concept for Midlanders and Northerners, street food has long been a part of Southern Kingdom culture. You would be hard pressed to find a Southern market that didn't have at least three vendors pushing grilled or fried something or other. Skewers are the most common and come in countless configurations, but roast sweet potatoes are a close second.

CUT FRUIT AND SEAL CHEESE: Fresh fruit is popular in the South, both local and imported. While delicious on its own, Southerners famously pair it with seal cheese. Which leads me to an important topic of discussion I don't have room for anywhere else...

THE SOUTH AND CHEESE: Since the South doesn't have much in the way of dairy farming, cheese is somewhat rare in their cuisine – but it is present. And important. Cheese is the domain of the Church. Common goat dairy imported from the Middle Kingdom is turned to cheese by monks in Southern monasteries and sold to the Southern public, yes, but as you have noticed there is another cheese prominent in the Southern Kingdom diet: seal cheese. Seal cheese is unlike anything else that has ever been called cheese; the closest it can be compared to is mascarpone. It is is a soft, creamy cheese with a mild flavor and an indulgent fat content. It is used almost exclusively as a dessert, though it is only ever mildly sweetened if at all. It is extremely costly and held in high regard; the most religious Southerners regard it as holy. Dairy seals are a very rare animal and raised exclusively in a small number of Cetolist-Cerostian monasteries, where they are tended and milked by the monks. Due to their status as a holy animal, eating seal meat is forbidden. Eating their cheese and rendering their tallow into soap is fine though.

(HEARTLAND SOUTH) SOUTH-STYLE GOAT: The Heartland South is a Southern enclave territory in the Middle Kingdom. Visiting Midland dignitaries oft wrongly assume that because the Heartland South is in Middle Kingdom territory, Heartland Southerners eat the same food they do exactly as they do. They are horrified to find that familiar sounding dishes like “goat with potatoes” are completely and utterly unrecognizable, drenched in unfamiliar sauces and spices and served alongside fruit they've never eaten. Meanwhile, Heartland Southerners firmly believe that they have fixed the Middle Kingdom's boring food.

(BOREAL SOUTH) “TUNSUKH”: If Midlanders are afraid of Heartland Southern food, Northerners are absolutely furious about cuisine from the Boreal South - the most legendarily offensive being the Boreal South's idea of “tunsukh.” Southerners are no stranger to spice, so when Southern traders began interacting with the North, they liked tunsukh! It's just... they thought it needed a little Southern help to become a real meal, you know? A side of seal cheese soothed the burn and made the meal enjoyable. And because the meal was enjoyable, the portion sizes increased. And plain boiled potatoes? Well, those are a little too plain – creamy mashed sweet potato feels like more of a dessert, doesn't it? ...For some reason, Northerners didn't agree, but that's okay. The Boreal South knows they're just embarrassed they didn't think of pairing seal cheese with tunsukh sooner.

ARMY RATIONS

The food eaten by the King's Army is about what you would expect for late 1700s military; salt pork or salt chevon, hard tack, and coffee. The biggest divergence they have is also one of Vestur's biggest points of pride: they have the means to supply their troops with frivolous luxuries like small tins of candied fruit from the Midland. A love of candied fruit is essentially a Vesturian military proto-meme; proof that they serve the greatest Tri-Kingdom on the planet. Don't get between a military man and his candied fruit unless you want a fight.

[ofoceansandtombsanew]

hear me out... jjk characters at the cookout

jjk characters at the cookout

tags: headcanons, gn!reader, black!reader a/n: honestly this sent me into an intellectual overdrive. the hold jjk has on the black community needs to be studied

suguru

bro says "monkey" one time and gets jumped

he's pretty chill

suguru can take a joke and toss them right back with a grin and feel completely relaxed

he is punctual when he wants to leave thouh and will side eye if you told him "we're gonna leave" and you're still there an hour later

overall he enjoys himself. family is important to him so it means a lot to suguru to be included and accepted by yours

your older relatives might ask a bit about his gauges but he's classy enough that it doesn't matter by the end of the conversation. suguru is quite charming when he wants to be

yuuji

"i like em tall with a fat ass like megan thee stallion"

yuuji won over your cousins pretty much immediately with one take and one take alone

you leave yuuji alone for one second and the mf has a coordinated dance with them and your family is hyping them up

your family would honestly adore yuuji, he fits right in

he had them in a loving death grip when he said he was ready for the collard greens, beans, potatoes, tomatoes, lamb, ram, hog mog

falls right into the trap of staying way longer than you planned even though you started saying your goodbyes 45 minutes ago

can perfectly quote katt william's "whose goddamn white baby is this?" scene

promises to bring his older brothers to the next family get together

the guy your aunties call 'baby' with all the affection in the world

somehow knows all the dances? candy by cameo comes on and an uncle goes "what you know about this right here, young buck?"

passed his test with ease. like, do not come to the next get together without yuuji. they will notice

megumi

he wouldn't realize that your family is just teasing and wonder if they legitimately don't like him until you reassure him it's just familial roasting. just say something dumb right back, megumi

has to be dragged out the corner to really interact with anybody else

megumi isn't really a party person and an extrovert but due to most of his close circle being extroverted, he does know how to manage his energy so he isn't completely drained after a short while of being there

answers all questions about your relationship seriously and sincerely

megumi might be quiet but your family likes his honesty. bring his ass back next time

satoru

honorary light skin

toji

honorary dark skin

kento

the man your cousins wish they had; he's literally the epitome of "as a man, you should be doing x, y and z". you know it and when you bring him over, your family knows it

he helped with the dishes without even being prompted and hearts were stolen

being a foodie, kento will be grabbing seconds and knowing your family he won't be leaving empty handed either

he's invited to breakfast by your mom before you leave

mostly needs to be sought out for interactions like megumi. he won't turn anyone away, he welcomes the conversations he's just not a big go getter

you can convince him to dance when a slow jam comes on and enjoys how your face lights up in recognition when older songs your parents played in your childhood comes on

like yuuji, if you don't bring kento to the next family get together don't even bother coming because they'll ask over and over again why he couldn't make it

satoru fr this time

his ass cannot stay out of the banana pudding. so much so, most of the leftovers you take home are just containers of it. says he'll leave you if you don't learn the family recipe

like suguru, satoru can handle your family's teasing and he teases right back

let's your younger cousins wear his sunglasses if they ask

"wait if they're called tony toni toné why aren't none of them called tony?" "satoru please don't ask this right now" "no because-"

if they didn't know you were dating someone before you brought satoru over, they'd definitely know when he arrives. he's always draped over you and he's happy to let the world know

when pulled to the side to ask if he's serious about the relationship, satoru's usual bravado drops to tell your relative calmly he's 100% serious

he's a good time. dances even if he doesn't know the songs, sings along when he does and he'll leave somehow knowing everyone's names when you don't even remember half of who showed up

toji fr this time

fits in surprisingly well, your family is a hell of a lot better than his

tall, charismatic, got a deep voice and big feet. you and your cousins will be gossiping and swooning about it

toji is no stranger to being on a family's least favorite list. he's got plenty experience from his relatives, he only cares that megumi and tsumiki are treated well when he brings them along. if they're treated right, toji has no problems

danced with a good chunk of your aunties, your mom and a cousin or two in order to cement winning them over successfully but you got the most dances out of all of them

"someone's been quite busy, mr i don't care if they like me or not" "i don't but it doesn't hurt to gain approval anyway. your aunt virginia already invited me to her son's wedding" "i haven't even gotten my invite to quan's wedding yet" "sounds like i'm the family favorite to me"

[mariacallous]

Looking for a Shabbat dinner centerpiece or a hearty midweek meal? Picture cubes of eggplant, zucchini, bell peppers, tomatoes and potatoes cooked together to create that special harmony only veggies that grew together in the sun achieve. You’re thinking of ratatouille, right? But what I have in mind is a heartier dish from Romania and Bulgaria called ghiveci or guvech.

Romanian ghiveci and Bulgarian guvech are indeed very similar to the famous ratatouille, but being peasant’s food, they’re more rustic and substantial. The veggies for guvech are cut into large, uneven chunks, and can be cooked all together at once, while for ratatouille, each component is fried separately before they are combined. This makes guvech preparation much easier, and allows for creative improvisations; you can easily add any vegetables in season. Besides the mandatory eggplant, zucchini, peppers, tomatoes and potatoes, green beans or okra are common. Guvech is seasoned very simply with salt, black pepper and occasionally paprika, to let the produce shine. The Bulgarian version is cooked with fatty meat, while most Romanian versions are vegan.

“In Bulgaria, guvech used to be cooked in a clay pot called gyuveche,” Etti Ben Yosef, a Bulgarian Jew who lives in Israel, told me. “The stew was cooked in the oven for many hours at low temperature.” 

But these days, when Ben Yosef makes guvech for Shabbat dinner, she uses a pressure cooker to precook the beef short ribs before adding them to the vegetables. Then, she cooks the entire stew on the stove for a long time, putting it in the oven for the final hour to give it a nice crust. She feels lucky to share the recipe with her adult children. “I keep the tradition so the kids will remember,” she said.

Guvech’s origins can be traced to the Ottoman Empire that ruled the Balkan region for hundreds of years. The original Turkish dish, called güveç, is cooked in a wide, clay dish by the same name. It’s very similar to the Bulgarian guvech and includes chicken, lamb or beef. There are many other variations of the dish throughout the Balkans. Bosnian Đuveč or djuvec is the name of a clay pot as well as a veggie casserole that’s cooked with rice; Greek giouvetsi is also cooked with rice. In Romania, the eggplant-tomato version is considered summer ghiveci, while winter ghiveci is prepared with carrots, cabbage, cauliflower and mushrooms. 

Bulgarian Sephardi Jews and Romanian Ashkenazi Jews brought guvech to Israel (where it’s pronounced “ghe-vech”) and made the dish widely popular. No wonder, given that eggplant and tomatoes are so beloved in Israel and are of such high quality. Early Israeli versions can be found in Molly Bar David’s “Folkloric Cookbook” from 1964. The first version includes 14 different vegetables (including celery root and cauliflower) and meat. The second version is for Romanian ghiveci that’s baked with a whole fish on top.

The vegetarian Romanian version is probably most common in Israel nowadays. And although it is  traditionally served over rice, I like to serve it on another Romanian staple, mamaliga. It’s the definition of comfort food. 

This recipe is the Bulgarian version of guvech that includes meat. You can make the recipe vegetarian by simply omitting the meat. The rest of the ingredients and instructions stay the same.

Notes:

It is recommended, and easy, to add any seasonal vegetables to the basic guvech. Consider adding: 1 lb butternut squash or sweet potato, cut into ½-inch dice; ½ lb whole okra, stems removed; or ½ lb green beans, cut into 1-inch pieces.

You can cook the meat, if using, up to two days in advance. Store the cooked meat in the fridge with the cooking liquid. Before using, remove from the fridge and discard the fat on the top of the pot (the fat will be solid and white in color). 

Guvech keeps in the fridge for up to four days.

[tracycloud]

COOKING FOR ROBERTA

(Part 3)

Roberta's birthday, I really don't remember which one and it doesn't matter, made me a different person over the next few months, a new, lively, horny, lustful, self-determined young woman. I think Roberta changed too. Of course, I can't really say for sure because I didn't know her before.

When Roberta left the kitchen - I was still standing with my legs spread, wet and horny, panting and sweaty, leaning against the kitchen table. My hands were covered in tomatoes crushed with lust, their juice slowly dripping onto the kitchen floor, perhaps mixing with mine. What kind of sauce would that make? I thought, slowly coming back to myself.

Something magical had just happened to me. I wasn't quite sure what it was, but I felt incredibly at ease. Without thinking further, I cut up my panties with the kitchen scissors, threw them in the bin, took off my bra, which still had my boobs hanging out of it, and threw it in too.

Then I started cooking. It was cooking like in a wonderful, hot dream. My naked pussy rubbed against the denim. You couldn't miss the wet spots, nor the nipples of my little boobs poking out of the sweat-stained T-shirt.

Of course, I started with the ragu Bolognese first. This wonderful sauce made from minced beef and pork, pancetta, fat milk, onions, celery, carrots and tomato paste had to simmer for at least 2 hours.

Now for the antipasti.

My cooking had become an exhilarating flow. Everything I did made me happy and horny.

As I was working on the eggplants stuffed with tomatoes, capers, olives and garlic, Roberta quietly crept into the kitchen.

She pressed herself firmly against my back. I felt her soft, full breasts, then her strong, caressing hands on my boobs.

“Mhhh so nice and small and firm. Good thing you took your bra off. You don't need that with me anyway, my horny little chef,” she whispered in my right ear.

I could feel her breathing, goose bumps ran all over my body and I moaned softly with pleasure. As her hand slowly slid down, undid the top buttons of my jeans and felt its way to my wet center, I spread my legs as if automatically.

She breathed tenderly: “How submissive you are. Ohhhh, you got rid of your panties straight away. You are such a wonderful cooking whore.”  Her fingers slid between my vulva lips, pentrating me slightly. “You're so wet. I'd love to fuck you right here.

“Jaaaaa, fuck me.... pleaaaseeee..... whenever you want. I'm all yours”. I had never said or even thought such sentences before.

But every word felt right, it was an incredible moment of happiness and never before had I been so completely close to myself.

Roberta sensed my devotion, kissed me tenderly on the back of my neck and said nothing. Her fingers, wet from my vulva, reached for a black olive that she pushed into my mouth, glistening with my own juice.

I licked her fingers, which she immediately slid back between my pussy lips until they were wet again, wetting another olive, which she then slipped into her own mouth.

I tried to keep working, chopping the fresh oregano into small pieces. Her fingers explored me, my wetness. I felt them deep inside me, measuring me, taking possession of me.

“Keep going, cute cooking whore,” she whispered in my ear. A little tap on my clit that made me cry out in pleasure and devotion. She left.

I stood back at the kitchen table with my legs wide open.  I was happy. My juice was oozing out of me. My jeans were wet like after a rain shower. I was soooo happy.

The ragu smelled delicious. It sizzled gently on the old-fashioned stove. I put the stuffed eggplants in the huge oven and started preparing the potato cakes with saffron, the bruschetta with diced tomatoes and olive paste last, as well as the radiccio, which I would fry in olive oil, the green beans with anchovies, parsley and garlic and also the porcini mushrooms.

Everything should be on the table at the same time, including the Ragu Bolognese.

[existentialterror]

The kohlrabi from my family’s last farm share of a Community Supported Agriculture program. A vegetable that is as delicious as it is surreal.

Wow! You know I'm not sure I've ever actually cooked with kohlrabi but I'm sure gonna now. Any recommendations? Thank you for your purchase.

YOUR DISCOUNT FEAR:

Your family and even family friends talk about some childhood act of moral fortitude you did. Something really kind and maybe even brave. It was a little thing but it was really standout and just sticks in peoples' mind as this nice thing that little You did, all on your own. Only you don't remember it. You're pretty sure they're conflating things and this never happened and now they're just remembering the story. But you haven't told them and they keep bringing it up every now and then - and you could be wrong, who remembers everything from when they're a little kid - but you're pretty sure you're not. And it's been decades and you still haven't said anything.

Vegetable counter: 31 (avocado, snap pea, onion, strawberry, 2 carrots, cucumber, cucumber salad, 2 broccolis, sweet potato, 2 letti, 3 garlics, asparagus, moshroom, mushroom, flesh tomato, regular tomato, pumpkin, pepper (green), 2 potatoes, 2 butternut squashes, corn, green bean, bean sprouts, kohlrabi)

[jordie-gvf]

the christmas song, josh kiszka

warnings : fluff, domestic josh, baby wearing, holiday dinners

word count : 1.3k+

You and Josh were hosting Christmas this year. Except, this year, there was an addition to 634 Grover Lane, and that would be Ivy and Chloe.

As soon as they were born, Josh ordered an “Our First Christmas” ornament with their names on it  from the Bronners website. 

You got Christmas cards and glued the Christmas menu on the back. You mailed them out to his family in Michigan. When you were younger, all you ever dreamed of was, hosting Christmas dinner, and now you got to do that, with three other people, and a dog. 

You and Josh had sat down and planned everything you were making for dinner. You guys had approximately 7 people plus their guests. You were making a ham and a turkey, sweet potato casserole, twice baked potatoes, asparagus, brussel sprouts, and green beans for the entree. As far as appetizers, you were making homemade tomato soup with fresh croutons. Dessert wise, you had already made candied pecans, cherry pie, and apple pie. You two always planned months in advance, to get your finances together to buy all of the food. 

The themes for dinner were comfy cozy, so when you sent the invites out you made sure to specify that they could dress comfortably if they chose to.

When you woke up Christmas morning, you felt around for Josh. He wasn't in the bed next to you. You went into the girls room to see if they were in there, no babies. You heard Josh talking downstairs. 

You walked down the stairs and heard baby babbles. “Yeah? Did that really happen? That's crazy!” Josh was talking to them. You walked into the kitchen to see Josh, wearing both babies and cooking at the same time. He turned to you and you saw your babies eyes light up at the sight of you. Ivy had her head on Josh’s bare chest and Chloe had her hands stuck out towards you. You grabbed Chloe out of his hands and held onto her for a few minutes.

“Chocolate chip pancakes coming up, Mama.” Josh told you. You made your iced coffee and put Chloe and Ivy in their respective high chairs. You helped Josh carry the food over to the table. You made formula and cut their fruit real small for them. Josh put two pancakes on a plate for you and handed it to you. He grabbed some for himself and started eating.

He grabbed your hand and asked you, “How’d you sleep, Mama?” 

“Good, what about you?” you responded

“I fell asleep on you, of course I slept well.” 

You laughed at him and smiled. 

You showered and got dressed in your attire for the night and went downstairs to get started. You saw Josh on the floor with Ivy and Chloe. He was rolling around with them while they were playing. The laughter of your children made you smile.

You went into the kitchen and made some coffee. Josh came over to you and said, “I'll put them down for a nap?” You nodded and he walked away to put them to sleep. He grabbed two bottles from the fridge to give to them. He put them in the warmer and put the ring sling on. One thing Josh loved about having twins was holding them to his chest. 

He put them both in and got their bottles and gave them to them. They were able to hold them at their age. He came over to you when they were done and said, “Give kisses to Mama.”

You gave them kisses and Josh took them upstairs. You put the brined turkey and  ham in the oven to start cooking. 

Josh came back down to see you starting on the tomato soup. He asked if he could help with anything and you gave him a cutting board, a few pots, some baking pans, a knife, and the other vegetables. He caught what you were laying down and started cutting the vegetables. He put the cut sweet potatoes in a pot with boiling water and put the whole white potatoes in the oven. 

Sam had shown up first. He brought Rosie with him, her and Two Socks were siblings. Two Socks was named Two Socks because he had two white paws. They gravitated towards each other and started playing together. First thing Sam said was, “Where are my nieces?” 

Josh said, “They’re upstairs, sleeping. Leave them alone Samuel.” 

You laughed and said, “When they wake up you can go get them, Sam.” 

The food had been cooked and left out to cool off for a few minutes. You called out to Sam, “Sammy, they're awake.” 

“How do you know that?” he asked you, intrigued.

“I'm their mother, I always know.” you said to him. Karen laughed and said, “She's right Sam, a mother always knows.” Sam walked upstairs and you got them bottles ready. Jake followed Sam upstairs, racing to get to them first. 

They both came down, each with a baby in their hand. You handed them burp cloths and bottles. They sat on the couch with Ivy and Chloe, feeding them. Josh came up behind them and said, “The both of them are going to be so protected. I know it.” Jake leaned back and said, “It's crazy how much they look like you, both of them.” 

Sam piped up and said, “Unfortunately for them.” Josh hit him on the back of the head and Chloe finished her bottle. Josh grabbed the bottle from Sam and walked away to wash it. You called the three Kiszka boys over and grabbed Chloe from Sam. Jake handed you the bottle and gave Ivy to Josh. Chloe had fallen asleep on you, so you put her on the large ottoman in the living room and put a soft blanket over her. 

You walked back over and saw Ivy asleep on Karen. You offered to take her so that Karen could eat, but she said it was fine. As soon as you sat down to eat, you heard Chloe crying. You sighed and Josh stood up and said, “Eat. I've got her.” 

He tended to the oldest and took her upstairs. When he came back down, he said, “She fell asleep on the way up the stairs.” He kissed the side of your head and sat back down to eat. 

The entire Kiszka family had a wonderful Christmas dinner, Nat King Cole playing softly in the background.

You had all finished eating and Sam said, “Wait! I never come empty handed.” He got up and went to his car. He came back inside with a few large pink bags in his hand. He had them labeled, “Coco” and “Ivster”

He sat them under the tree and said, “It's clothes and a few toys.” You hugged him and said, “Thank you, Sam.” 

Ronnie and his parents were the first to leave. Then Jake and Deanna, who was one of your best friends. Sam stuck around, helping with the dishes and the overall clean up. You heard Chloe crying from their room and you went to see what was wrong. 

You saw her in her crib, arms held out. You grabbed her and changed her, then went to your bedroom. You had already been in comfy clothes, so you just grabbed a wrap to put her in. You walked back downstairs and overheard Sam and Josh. “Do you want any more?” Sam had asked him.

You heard Josh say, “God, I'd love more. But that's not up to me. I don't have to carry that weight around for 9 months and then deliver. I want a boy.” 

“You want a boy? I always saw you with girls. You're definitely a girl dad.” Sam said. 

You came up behind them as they were washing the dishes and rested your head on Josh’s shoulder. 

“Yeah, he is a girl dad.” 

[cascadedkiwi]

A Grand Soup [Comfortember 2023]

Characters: Micah Yujin x “Angel” Visual Novel/Game: Error 143 Genre: Comfort (more fluff, I’m feeling) Summary: Because Micah shall not settle for any old simple soup. Word Count: 822

Prompt: 27. Soup

Micah’s happy voice sounds through the front of the house. “Angel~ I'm home!”

“In the kitchen!” she calls back. 

Micah practically trots into the kitchen with his nose in the air, dropping the shopping bags onto the island countertop. “Oh, you brought out the big pot!”

She giggles, turning from her stirring. “What did you bring home?”

She can almost see imaginary ears popping up from his hair as he lights up.

“Angel, I went down that market street you told me about? There was produce EVERYWHERE!” He starts pulling out ingredients from the various cloth and straw bags. “I got carrots… sweet potatoes… bok choy - I hope I said that right - tomatoes, corn, red and white onions…” 

Micah separates a smaller amount and pushes the pile across the counter to where Angel is waiting with her sharpened knife. She transfers all she can carry to the sink to wash and peel as necessary.

“Don't think I'm done!” He says excitedly, although there's no way she possibly could've when he came in with four large bags stuffed to capacity. She listens as he continues unloading his haul like a proud gatherer. 

“I didn't even know cauliflower came in yellow! I got the regular white, too. I got all four colours of sweet peppers, white and purple cabbage - why do they call it red? Red onions aren't even red, either!”

Angel chuckles at his tone, bringing over bowls to separate the prepped ingredients. Her husband’s insistence at an excessively wide countertop was currently much appreciated. They could host a full family reunion to this thing.

“I got a bunch of beans and stuff, too! I found those ‘lentils’ you kept asking about, and Lima beans, and black beans, red beans, split peas…”

“Micah Yujin, who are we feeding with all this?” She asks with a laugh. The carrots had been diced and she was on to the broccoli he had purposely not announced. Her eyes roamed over the various mushrooms and pumpkin, lighting up at the butternut squash.

“Me and you, my love,” he answers in a posh tone. “You told me to bring home veggies for soup. This will ensure we execute only the grandest soup possible.”

“It'll be healthy, that's for sure,” she murmurs as Micah pushes the bags to the opposite end of the counter. 

He goes over to the sink, washing his hands before returning with his apron hanging from his neck and a knife and cutting board in his arms. “You didn't think I was leaving you to prep all this alone, did you?” He gasps dramatically. “I'm hurt, my angel, that you think so little of me after living as my sweet wife all this time.”

“We've been married for three months, Yujin.”

“And clearly I haven't demonstrated myself enough in those 90 days, Mrs. Yujin.” He makes quick work of the onions, using the excuse to have tears accompany his exaggerated sniffling.

Cassie shakes her head as she sets aside a bowl of greens, clearing her cutting board for the cabbage. “My apologies, my sweet.”

“No!” Micah huffs with a pout, leaving the tears as he moves on to the bell peppers. “This is my failure as a husband. I am more than just a provider, a bringer of raw materials for sustenance. I must prove myself!”

Cassie raises an eyebrow as he pushes away the peppers, dutifully wiping his knife before smacking down a sweet potato. God bless him because as much as she loved the things, cutting them was a workout. She would gladly watch him strongarm that vegetable into submission for their pot.

Micah turned everything into a performance or a good time. Even with his antics he was an efficient kitchen assistant, and pretty soon everything they wanted was in the pot and bubbling away. 

He sniffs the air, a confused look on his face. “Angel, is the oven on?” He bent to look but couldn't tell.

“Should be,” she responds as she rinses the dishes. “I've got bread rising in there.”

She squeaks into a laugh as she's suddenly hugged from behind, dropping a - thankfully plastic - bowl. She squirms as Micah peppers her cheek with kisses. “It's just bread, babe, relax!”

“My Angel made bread from scratch with this timing and I must relax?” He asks incredulously. “I shall not!”

“I'm assuming that informing you that my first attempt at a garlic confit is also in there will earn me more physical affect- Wah!” She squawks as she's raised clean off her feet and walked out of the kitchen.

“Mm-mm, mm-mm” Her husband repeats in her ear. “You're not allowed to do this to me. You're showing me up.”

“Micah-”

“ I'm the giver in this relationship, missy. Stop stealing my love language!” They topple onto the large sofa where he smothers her and her protesting laughter in kisses. 

It's a good thing they have a rather loud and intrusive kitchen timer.

[mollybecameanengineer]

The Joy of Cooking

MSR | Season 10 | 949 Words | tagging: @today-in-fic

Scully had first noticed it a month after they started working together again. 

Rather than a hastily put together sandwich, leftover Chinese, or something greasy he’d just picked up, Mulder had real food nestled in a glass storage container for lunch. It looked like chicken with mushrooms, green beans, and a yellow purée. She wondered where he’d gotten it. 

Over the following weeks, similar dishes appeared. Steak with veggies and chimichurri. A white fish over rice with Chinese broccoli. Chicken and delicata squash over greens. 

The man she’d spent most of her adult life with wasn��t a great cook, though he had managed to put dinner on the table for most of the years she’d lived with him. But it was never this imaginative. Or healthy. Or varied. They’d eaten a rotation of the same dozen or so dishes for years. 

If she didn’t know better, Scully would have thought Mulder had someone at home making him dinner every night. At least, she was pretty sure she didn’t know better. 

“Mulder,” she began, on a day when she was feeling brave. “Have you, you know, dated at all since we…” she waved her hands around rather than finish the thought.

Mulder laughed out loud. “I haven’t been on a date since the early ‘90s. Or maybe late ‘80s. Unless we went on dates. Did we go on dates?”

She shrugged. “That night in Hollywood was pretty date-like.”

He smiled at the memory. She had to admit it was a pretty good one. Other than having to sit through that movie. “Ah, yes. Well then, last date was around the turn of the millennium. How about you?”

She kicked herself. Of course he’d return the question. She’d tried hard, when they’d first broken up, to get over him. She’d made an online dating profile and went on around a half a dozen first dates. They all sucked. After having a disappointing one night stand with a man she'd picked up in a bar, she’d come to the conclusion that she was still in love with Mulder and no amount of fucking strangers was going to change that. She deleted her profile and started seeing a therapist. “A few dates. Nothing serious.”

“Ah.” Mulder pushed his chicken, mashed potatoes (or maybe mashed cauliflower!?), and Brussels sprouts around the container. “It’s a shame I didn’t take you on more dates. Do you want to come over for dinner? You know, as a makeup for the hundreds of dates I didn't take you on?”

She froze. They’d been working together, successfully, for several months now. Growing close as friends again. But she’d been careful to draw a line in the sand with respect to their previous romantic entanglement. 

He must have sensed her discomfort. “Just as friends, Scully. Don’t overthink it. I have a salmon thing at home I think you’d like.”

Well, if it would get to the bottom of this food mystery. She agreed. 

When she arrived at their (his!) house, it was already filled with the smells of dinner. “Perfect timing!” Mulder said from the kitchen. “It will be ready in about 10 minutes.”

“Can I help?” she asked, setting down her bag and hanging her coat. 

“Nope. It’s pretty easy. But you can break open the wine.” He nodded toward the already set table, where a wine bottle was sitting.

She went into the kitchen to get the corkscrew. “What are we having?”

“Uhhh,” he said, leaning to read something on a piece of paper while also tending to a pan. “Salmon with sun dried tomato sauce over couscous.”

“Couscous! Mulder!”

He looked at her. “What? You like couscous.”

“I know I like couscous. What I don’t know is where you learned to make any of this!”

“Oh.” He chuckled as he handed her the paper. “I didn’t. I signed up for one of those meal delivery services. My, uh,” he cleared his throat and returned his attention to the stove, “my psychiatrist thought that a more balanced diet might help with, you know.” He stirred the couscous more vigorously than necessary. “And as you know, I have a limited repartee, so she suggested this as an easy alternative.”

Scully ran her eyes over the paper he’d handed her. It had clear instructions and little pictures showing how everything was supposed to look. Including the plating. 

“Do you think it’s helped?” Once the words were out of her mouth, she realized they were too intrusive for their current relationship. “Sorry, you don’t—”

He cut her off. “No, I want to share with you.” A timer went off and he started plating the couscous and salmon, just as shown in the little picture. “I mean, the meds really helped, once we got them right. And talking about… everything.” He carried their plates over to the table while she opened the wine and poured. They sat, again in the places they’d always been.  

He continued, once they were settled, “But getting back to exercising and this whole new diet thing have been good, too. If nothing else, my pants fit better and my cholesterol is down.”

“I’m glad.” She took a bite of the dinner, and was surprised by how good it was. While she’d known these services existed, she’d not understood why anyone would pay for them. But it did seem perfect for Mulder. “This is really good,” she said, taking another bite. 

“I’ll let the good people at Eaters know.”

She smiled and raised her wine glass to her lips, but paused before taking a drink. “A toast.” She raised her glass. He put down his fork and did the same. “To health.”

He clinked her glass. “To life.”

[jungle-angel]

Lessons In Sunday Dinner (Calvin Evans x Reader)

Summary: It's a warm spring night and one of your close family friends has invited you and Calvin for dinner where you learn that some family roots run deep

Warnings: Family history, mentions of birth and parenthood etc.

Tagging: @floydsmuse @ateliefloresdaprimavera

Notes: I got the idea for this from one of my favorite children's books, "Chicken Sunday" by Patricia Pollaco. I found it in a bookshop a few weeks ago and this little idea had popped into my head.

You and Calvin couldn't have been more excited at Henny's dinner invitation. Cal's mother and father would have come, however Six-Thirty and Rosie were needed at home, the puppies still new to the world and needing constant attention from their parents.

You and Calvin headed up the steps of the old red-brick Victorian that belonged to Henny and Paul King, her climbing roses and the bougainvillea in full bloom and alive with the constant buzzing of bumblebees.

You rang the doorbell and were met with the sound of barking from Curly, her little black Scottish terrier. "Curly get it on outta here!" Henny ordered loudly. "Go chase the rats outta the garbage cans or somethin."

Curly shuffled aside and zoomed up the stairs. "Well, well look who decided to show on up!" she laughed as she opened the storm door.

"Hi Henny," you both greeted, hugging her warmly.

"Come on in," she said. "We've got alot of work to do before dinnertime. Cal, if ya'll want, you can put Ellen in the living room with Betsy and Ruby. Paul should be back in a little while."

Ellen was put in the playpen with Henny's granddaughters so they could play together. As soon as Paul was home, he and Calvin retreated to their secret little hideaway to work on some sort of afternoon project, leaving you and Henny to handle Sunday dinner prep.

"So what's on the menu Henny?" you asked.

"Just a little family tradition honey," she answered. "A little something my Grandmama used to call 'Chicken Sunday.'"

"Oh?"

"Uh-huh," said Henny. "That was her thing, she'd never miss a church service nor did she miss Sunday dinner. And if we dared to even miss one Sunday dinner with the family, she'd threaten to beat us blue."

You made a face at the image that had suddenly popped into your head. "Sounds like she was real strict."

"Oh she was," Henny explained. "Only because she knew what it was like to have been in a family that was split up. All she ever wanted in life was for us all to stick together. Didn't always happen, but we tried our best."

"I'm sorry Henny," you said, feeling a little sad.

"Oh don't be sorry honey, it ain't anybody's fault," Henny assured you. "It's just the way it was. Now, if ya'll don't mind helpin me a second, we need to head out back and gather some stuff outta the garden."

Excitement flared within you at the notion. Henny's garden was legendary and the envy of every neighborhood shrew who just didn't have the green thumb.

"Go on now honey child, it's best if you take your shoes off," Henny told you, leaving her own near the kitchen door. "That's what spring and summer were made for."

You laughed a little, leaving your shoes next to Henny's. The garden looked absolutely gorgeous, everything so green and having grown so tall. The wildflowers were everywhere with bees flitting from one to the other while the vegetables had grown tall and ripe with peppers, tomatoes, onions, beans, turnips, cabbages, lettuces, carrots, cucumbers and all sorts of herbs and spices. The strawberries were already beginning to grow ripe along with Henny's berry bushes but the hazelnuts still had a bit of a ways to go. The sunshine and the heat of early afternoon had made everything perfect, as perfect as a Sunday could be.

"So what are we gathering Henny?" you asked her.

"Well," Henny answered. "First we're gonna need some fresh garlic and the potatoes. Then we're gonna need broccoli and collards for the sides."

You and Henny set about, gathering whatever it was you needed from the garden. A warm breeze blew by, the windchimes gently clanging in the breeze while the birds sang and the smells of her garden wafted up your nose. You gathered as much of the broccoli and the collard greens as you could pick, the greens themselves already up to your knees.

"Aw honey that should be enough," Henny told you. "Don't let your basket get overfilled now."

Once everything had been gathered, you and Henny went right back into the kitchen to begin preparing dinner.

"Now this," she said, removing the chicken legs and thighs from the fridge. "Was Grandmama's secret. She'd let the meat brine overnight in buttermilk and then roll it in all the flour with the herbs and spices from her garden."

"Because when it soaks overnight, the brine is absorbed into the meat and chemical reactions occur that allow the flavors to lock in," you explained.

Henny smiled and shook her head with her hands on her hips. "That is your husband talking for sure," she laughed.

You laughed with her as you set to prepping the rest of the food. "So this was Grandmama's tradition huh?" you said, chopping up the garlic.

"Mmmhmm," Henny nodded. "She started it after she got her freedom. She opened up a little corner restaurant in Savannah and ran the place almost fifty years, right up through the Depression. She was real business savvy you know. She had a wealthy oilman come through her joint once and had said that if he could, he would've offered her a job, but Grandmama told him outright that if he did, nobody would be able to run the place and the food would be no good."

You laughed a little as Henny told you more stories about her grandmother and the little hole-in-the-wall place that her and her husband had run for almost fifty years. "Must've been a hell of a place."

"Oh it was honey," Henny said, chopping up the collards. "It was good cookin and good company. Everybody in the place looked forward to Chicken Sundays 'cause sometimes it was all they could afford."

"It was?"

"Uh-huh," Henny replied. "Times were tough in Georgia and there wasn't alot for anybody. Grandmama had to work with what she had and selling her chicken dinners and meals in general, were what paid the bills."

As soon as the chicken had been put in the hot pan of olive oil to fry, you let the potatoes boil and the collards cook away. Into the oven went the airy scratch rolls, all coated with flour and the whole kitchen smelling delicious.

When the dinner hour finally came, you, Calvin and Henny's family all gathered out on the porch, the warm, sunny weather too perfect to be trapped inside. The food was delicious as always with Paul having broken out a bottle of the house white for everyone to share.

"Henny, you and (y/n)really outdid yourselves," Calvin remarked. "Best dinner ever."

"Just you wait till next week," Henny told him. "We'll be doin spaghetti and meatballs if you're up for it."

You and Calvin met each other's gazes with that mischievous look in your eyes, not forgetting the last time you and him had been invited to a spaghetti dinner at Henny and Paul's.

[the-habitat-ring]

The (Real) Stardew Valley Farm

So a year and a half ago we bought a house, AKA the real life habitat ring. I swear the yard came with every single non-aquatic invasive plant we’ve got. Slowly but surely we’ve been murdering all the Japanese honeysuckle and poison hemlock, tearing up a truly inhumane amount of weed barrier and pea gravel, and adding truckloads of wood chips and other organic matter to start to repair the soil. Our goal is to replace everything with mostly native plants with an emphasis on food production.

But of course I needed more of a challenge. I love playing Stardew Valley. It’s really the only video game I play. And somewhere I got the idea, “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool to grow everything in Stardew Valley in our yard?” So here we are. Obviously I don’t live on some magical land with perfect weather, a giant greenhouse, and a second farm on a tropical island, so I have to make plenty of substitutions. I’m also trying to grow native plants whenever possible. Any suggestions are welcome!

2021

Amaranth - Native white amaranth (the birds love it!)

Grape - Native riverbank grapes (so many grapes) and some green cultivated variety from the neighbors

Dandelion - Obviously

Maple Tree - Native silver, red, and sugar maples (also an invasive Norway maple but we chopped it down)

Pine Tree - Not sure what kind of pines they are

Apple Tree - Not in great shape. I’d love an Enterprise apple tree at some point

Coffee Bean - Chicory (maybe that’s cheating, but it’s a naturalized plant commonly used as a coffee substitute)

Salmonberry - Not native to the Midwest, so we’re sticking with native black raspberries. We’ll likely add some pink/yellow raspberries later though

2022

Kale

Rhubarb

Strawberry - Both cultivated and native

Tulip

Radish

Tomato

Beet

Eggplant

Fairy Rose - Not a real thing so I substituted the native prairie rose

Cranberries - Native cranberry viburnum

Orange Tree -Native persimmons, which produce orange fruit

Daffodil

Spring Onion - Native nodding onions and also green onions indoors

Spice Berry - Native spicebushes

Wild Plum - Native

Hazelnut - Native

Crocus

Cherry Tree - Native black cherries and nonnative bush cherries

Tea Leaves - Native New Jersey Tea bush

Banana Tree - Native pawpaws, which are also known as Indiana bananas

Mango Tree - One of the pawpaws is a named variety called mango so I think that counts

Ginger - Attempted native wild ginger, which I don’t think survived, but am also growing ginger indoors

Green Bean

Sweet Gem Berry - Native Juneberry (Downy Serviceberry) which are a redish color

Planned for 2023

Blue Jazz - Not real so I went with the native Ozark Bluestar, which seems similar enough

Garlic

Parsnip

Apricot Tree - Native passionflower vine. Not a tree, but it is known as wild apricot

Blueberry

Sunflower - Both native and non-native sunflowers

Pineapple - Neither my spouse nor I like pineapples, so we’re going with white strawberries known as pineberries that are said to have a tropical taste

Pumpkin

Melon

Wild Horseradish - Except I’ll be growing it in a pot because it tends to get a little too wild for my tastes

Holly - Native winterberry holly

Oak Tree - Native dwarf chinquapin oak

Sweet Pea

Hot Pepper

Palm Tree - Obviosuly not going to work here but there is a native palm sedge that I’ll plant instead

Planned for 2024

Potato

Corn

Hops - Hoping to get a cutting from a native hops vine (if the local beer people don’t kill me)

Winter Root - I’m gonna go with native ground nuts because you can dig up the roots in winter

Poppy - Hopefully native wood poppy

Red Cabbage

Artichoke - Native Jerusalem artichokes

Cactus Fruit - Native prickly pear cactus

Yam

Bok Choy

Leek

Fiddlehead Fern

Blackberry

Crystal Fruit - I’m gonna go with honey berries, which produce fruit earlier than anything else

Ancient Fruit - Native Aronia berries are the only thing I can think of for this one. They’re blue(ish) and have lots of antioxidants so you live to be ancient

Figuring Out Substitutes

Rice

Wheat

Starfruit - Not really sure how to swing this one, so suggestions are welcome

Summer Spangle - Not real, so I’m open to suggestions of native plants. Possibly prairie lily? It has a similar-ish shape, is orange, and blooms in summer

Qi Fruit - Creepy little man

Taro Root - I would have to plant it in pots

Morel - I wish I could grow this

All the other mushrooms - I think I’ll just ignore any varieties and just try plugs or similar

Snow Yam

Cave Carrot - Trying to find a native carrot substitute

Coconut - I shouldn’t count this separately from palm trees, right?

Mahogany Tree

Peach Tree

Pomegranate Tree - There are Russian pomegranates that are hardy to zone 6, which just might work with climate change

[mushroompollution]

2. a feast of all your muse's favorite foods is laid out in front of them. what's on the menu?

for some reason, I have a really hard time deciding what Leo's favorite kind of foods would be, the more specific the more I have no fucking idea. we never once see him eat in canon. I have nothing to go off, whatsoever, and I get worried about projecting myself too much shwhzvqhwuxgqg

Leo really, really isn't picky. he's not a huge fan of sweets, and he doesn't like tomatoes unless they're like, cooked into something.

so hmm. hmmmmm. okay. I always dodge these questions, so instead I'm going to bullshit something and it's going to become canon.

for bread, cornbread. I imagine it's something they probably serve to the kids at Fianna's, it's cheap and easy but satisfying. I imagine it's something he misses; even if the kitchen staff do make it wirh certain meals, it's just never quite the same.

appetizers would probably be an assortment of various both fancy hors d'oevers from the social events and formal dinners he's been dragged to over the years, and street foods of very questionable quality but undeniable flavor he's gotten from vendors in the better part of Sablier.

soup is french onion soup. if you've ever had it, you get it. he has no preference on salad, except that he'll pick off tomatoes, and he doesn't like sweet dressings.

for an entree, a hearty, flavorful beef and dumplings, with peas and carrots. it's a recipe his mom made for holidays, with dumplings that he would help make, and homemade mashed potatoes to soak up the runny broth. she always said it's the only one of her mother's recipes she ever learned. he can remember the exact spot on the counter where they'd let the dumplings sit, dusted in flour all afternoon.

but for a side, the rich and flavorful kind of green beans you can only get from a fried chicken or barbecue restaurant. when Elliot leaves him alone to order dinner, he'll order those just for the beans.

dessert is the snickerdoodle cookies he'd make with his mom, the ones he'd add extra cinnamon to because he liked the spice.

and finally, a cup of black coffee with just a splash of milk, for digestion.

[hypnotisedfireflies]

You Only Live Twice outtake

I found a deleted scene from You Only Live Twice! I wrote this in October/November last year and I'm pretty sure the reason this was cut because I changed my mind about when Joel finds out about what happened between Carlos and Tess. In the completed story, Joel finds out the night before he and Ellie go on patrol. In this version, he goes without knowing.

This would have belonged in chapter 9. A little of the conversation appears in chapter 8.

But anyway, none of this is DD canon now, but it's kind of a cute little scene so I hope you enjoy anyway.

The midday sun beat down over Jackson’s vegetable gardens.  These were planted strategically throughout the city and every single one was experiencing a glut of produce.  Potatoes, cherries, berries, cucumbers, eggplant, tomatoes ... it was a good harvest, and Jackson was very excited about the success and what it meant for them in the months to come. 

Carlos, since taking Vee home a week ago, had picked up considerably.  He was occupied almost constantly in the main mess, helping with the drying, pickling, preserving and storing of various fruits and vegetables. 

They had not yet decided if it was time to tell everyone about Vee.  Lachie wanted more time to collate his research – such that it was – and Maria was torn about going public with the information and risking panic or recklessness that might ensue.  Tommy didn’t want Maria anywhere near it.

“Everyone depends on you to be the goddamn voice of reason, Maria,” he’d said as they – all nine of the co-conspirators – ate dinner at their house the night before.  “You can’t come out saying you knew about this shit or you even believe in it.  You gotta be the even keel.”

Until the bounty was dealt with and Lachie’s notes were complete, they agreed to keep it quiet. 

Sweat trickled between Joel’s shoulder blades by the time he found the patch in which Tess was working.  He paused at the edge and raked his eyes over the gardeners.  He spotted Tess almost at once in her jeans and scarf, harvesting green beans and depositing them into a basket held in the crook of her arm.  He picked his way through the herbs to meet her.

“Hey, listen to this.”  Tess took a bean and snapped it in half.  It was crisp, and he could see the tiny beads of moisture at her fingers.  “Try it.”

Joel obediently opened his mouth to taste it.  The bean was crunchy and rich with flavour.  Once upon a time he would have described beans as tasting vaguely like wet grass – what he assumed wet grass was like, anyway.  Now there was a whole symphony of flavour that his tastebuds had a front row seat to.  It was kind of like learning to eat again, discovering unadulterated food, straight from the source. 

Tess ate the other half and went back to harvesting.  Joel scanned the beans hanging higher from the trellis and began to pick the ones she couldn’t reach. 

“So I’m going out on patrol tomorrow,” Joel bit the bullet.

“How did that come about?”  Tess asked.

“Ellie was supposed to go out with Patrick again, but he did something to his ankle.  No good to go out.”

Tess pointed.  “One there.  Left.  Your other left.  And back … yeah.  I don’t think that’s a good idea, Joel.  She’ll hit the roof when they find out you’re the replacement.”

Joel found another two beans hiding behind the first and took them into his fist.  He lowered his arm and waited for Tess to stop what she was doing and give him her full attention. 

“It was Ellie’s idea.”

“… seriously?”

He deposited the beans in her basket.  “That’s what I’m told.  They offered someone else, she suggested I was free.”

Tess glanced around at the other gardeners.  She gave Joel the basket and adjusted the scarf in her hair, buying herself a little time while she thought it through. 

“How long is the patrol?”

“Three days, two nights.”

Tess scoffed.  “This is not a good idea.  A shorter jaunt, sure, but that long?  You’re stuck with each other.”

“I know.”

“You have to depend on each other.”

“We done all right on that count before.”

“I know,” Tess replied, irritated.  “I’m not – I know that.  But that was before.  This is … I don’t know.”

“It’s more than she’s given me in months,” Joel answered.  “And the fact that it was her idea?  If I said I didn’t want to do it, she’d know.”

“Yeah.”

“And that’d make it worse.”

“And you want to do it,” Tess reasoned, taking the basket back.  “So the rest doesn’t matter.”

“Maybe she’s ready to talk about it.”

“Or she’s luring you off into the forest to shoot you,” Tess muttered.

“Nice, Tess.”

She started picking again.  Joel watched her pattern:  pick a handful, cupping them till her palm couldn’t take any more, then dropping them into the basket and repeating the process.  She moved slowly and methodically along the vines.  Her hand reached in deep to part the thicker sections and ensure she didn’t miss anything.   

They’d had plans tonight.  Dating in Jackson wasn’t easy – you had to get creative given there was essentially nowhere to go.  Tess had made it very clear that she thought the entire concept of ‘date night’ at the end of the world the height of stupidity, but Joel liked getting them out of their own heads, even if it was just for a little while.  He was getting good at finding quiet, untapped nooks in Jackson to which he could take Tess.  There was an overgrown backyard in an unoccupied house not far from theirs that he particularly liked.  He’d take some solar lights down there, a picnic blanket, and for a few hours they could be anywhere else in the world. 

But with a patrol looming, Joel wouldn’t be taking Tess anywhere.  It would be a very early night for him to counter the very early start.  But that wasn’t what bothered Tess.  Something was bothering her, and it wasn’t a change of plans or risking a few days out with Ellie. 

“I’m glad for you,” she suddenly said.  “Really.  This is a good thing.  I think it’s probably a bit soon but … it’s a good thing.  It’s an opening.  So just listen to her, keep your temper and try not to get yourselves killed out there.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m just hot.”

“There’s somethin’ on your mind.”

“It isn’t anything really.  I just wanted to talk to you tonight, that’s all.  There hasn’t been much of a chance to talk to you this week.”

She was right.  Joel had been spending a good deal of time with Carlos and Vee.  Tess had been around too, in her way, that slightly distant manner she exhibited because she didn’t want to crowd in on their time together.  Furthermore, Jackson’s Tenth Anniversary celebrations were in just a few days.  Everyone was involved in that preparation.  Jackson did so love her parties.

“Well, we can talk now.”

“No, I just wanted it to happen.  Organically.  I don’t know.  It’s not … it’s nothing.”

“… what are you talkin’ about?” 

They didn’t play games.  They were always straight with one another – it was one of the few things on which Joel had come to depend.

“It’s just a thing, it’s not important.  It can wait.  It’s more important you go out with a clear head.  Joel,” she added, just as she foresaw another complaint on the horizon.  “I want this for you.  Everything else can wait – this is important.  Okay?”

“Okay,” he agreed, and helped her finish the bean picking without bringing it up again.

[allthingsorganic2024]

An excerpt from T. Colin Campbell's seminal book, "The China Study"

Chapter 12: How to Eat

"When Tom, my youngest son and collaborator on this book, was 13 years old, our family was in the final stages of a slow shift to becoming vegetarian. One Sunday morning, Tom came home from a sleepover at a close friend's house and told us a memorable story. The night before, Tom was being grilled in a friendly way on his eating habits. The sister of Tom's friend had asked him, rather incredulously, "you don't eat meat?". He had never justified his eating habits; he had just gotten used to eating what was on the dinner table. As a consequence, Tom was not practiced at answering such a question, so he simply answered, "no I don't," without offering any explanations. The girl probed a bit more, "so, what do you eat?". Tom answered with a few shrugs, "I guess just...plants." She said, "oh," and that was the end of that.

The reason we enjoy this story is because Tom's response, "plants," was so simple. It was a truthful answer but couched in an entirely untraditional manner. When someone asks for the glazed ham across the table, he doesn't say, "pass the flesh of the pig's butt please." And when someone tells his children to finish their peas and carrots, he doesn't say, "finish your plants." But since our family changed our eating habits, we've come to enjoy thinking of food as either plants or animals. It fits well into the philosophy of keeping the information on food and health as simple as possible. Food and health are anything but simple in our country. We often marvel at the complexity of various weight loss plans. Although the writers always advertise their plans' ease of use, in reality, it's never easy. Followers of these diets have to count calories, points, servings, or nutrients, or eat specific amounts of certain foods based on specific mathematical ratios. There are tools to be used, supplements to be taken, and worksheets to be completed. It is no wonder that dieting seldom succeeds. Eating should be an enjoyable and worry-free experience and shouldn't rely on deprivation. Keeping it simple is essential if we are to enjoy our food.

One of the most fortunate findings from the mountain of nutritional research we've encountered is that good food and good health is simple. The biology of the relationship of food and health is exceptionally complex, but the message is still simple. The recommendations coming from the published literature are so simple that we can state them in one sentence: eat a whole foods, plant-based diet while minimizing the consumption of refined foods, added salt, and added fats, examples of which will be provided in the following table. Eat all you want, while getting lots of variety, of any whole, unrefined plant-based food.

Maximize

General category: Fruits

Specific examples: orange, okra, kiwi, red pepper, apple, cucumber, tomato, avocado, zucchini, blueberries, strawberries, green pepper, raspberries, butternut squash, pumpkin, blackberries, mangos, eggplant, pear, watermelon, cranberries, acorn squash, papaya, grapefruit, peach

Vegetables

Flowers. Specific examples: broccoli, cauliflower

Not many of the huge variety of edible flowers are commonly eaten.

Stems and Leaves. Specific examples: spinach, artichokes, kale, lettuce (all varieties), cabbage, Swiss chard, collard greens, celery, asparagus, mustard greens, Brussel sprouts, turnip greens, beet greens, Bok choy, arugula, Belgian endive, basil, cilantro, parsley, rhubarb, seaweed

Roots. Specific examples: potatoes (all varieties), beets, carrots, turnips, onions, garlic, ginger, leeks, pinto beans, white beans, legumes

Seed-Bearing Nitrogen-Fixing Plants. Specific examples: green beans, soy beans, peas, peanuts, Adzuki beans, black beans, black eyed peas, cannellini beans, garbanzo beans, kidney beans, lentils, pinto beans, white beans

Mushrooms. Specific examples: white button, baby Bella (cremini), promini, portobello, shiitake, oyster

Nuts. Specific examples: walnuts, almonds, macadamia, pecans, cashew, hazelnut, pistachio

Whole Grains and Breads, Pastas, etc. Specific examples: wheat, rice, corn, millet, sorghum, rye, oats, barley, teff, buckwheat, amaranth, quinoa, Kamut, spelt (hulled wheat)

Minimize

Refined Carbohydrates. Specific examples: pastas, except whole grain varieties; white bread, crackers, sugars, and most cakes and pastries

Added vegetable oils. Specific examples: corn oil, peanut oil, olive oil

Fish. Specific examples: salmon, tuna, cod

Avoid

Meat. Specific examples: steak, hamburger, lard

Poultry. Specific examples: chicken, turkey

Dairy. Specific examples: cheese, milk, yogurt

Eggs. Specific examples: eggs, and products with a high egg content (that is, mayonnaise)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Supplements. Daily supplements of Vitamin B12, and perhaps Vitamin D for people who spend most of their time indoors and/or live in the northern climates, are encouraged. For Vitamin D, you shouldn't exceed RDA recommendations.

That's it! That's the diet science has found to be consistent with the greatest health and the lowest incidence of heart disease, cancer, obesity, and many other Western diseases.

What does minimize mean? Should you eliminate meat completely? The findings from The China Study indicate that the lower the percentage of animal-based foods are consumed, the greater the health benefits -- even when that percentage declines from 10 percent to zero percent of calories [i.e., consuming even small amounts of animal-based foods, as low as ten percent of your calorie intake, has been linked to future chronic disease incidence]. So it's not unreasonable to assume that the optimum percentage of animal-based products is zero -- at least for anyone with a predisposition for a degenerative disease. But this has not been absolutely proven. It is true that most of the health benefits described in this book have been realized at low -- but non-zero -- levels of animal-based foods.

My advice is to try to eliminate all animal-based products from your diet, but not obsess over it. If a tasty vegetable soup has a chicken stock base, or if a hearty loaf of whole wheat bread includes a tiny amount of egg, don't worry about it. These quantities, very likely, are nutritionally unimportant. Even more importantly, the ability to relax about very minor quantities of animal-based foods makes applying this diet much easier, especially when eating out or buying already prepared foods.

While we recommend that you not worry about small quantities of animal products in your food, we're not suggesting that you deliberately plan to incorporate small portions of meat into your daily diet. My recommendation is that you try to avoid all animal-based products. There are three excellent reasons to go all the way:

Following this diet requires a radical shift in your thinking about food. It's more work to just do it halfway. If you plan for animal-based products, you'll eat them, and you'll almost certainly eat more than you should.

You'll feel deprived. Instead of viewing your new food habit as being able to eat all the plant-based foods that you want, you'll be seeing it as in terms of having to limit yourself, which is not conducive to being on the diet long-term.

You will, within a month or so, perhaps a little more, actually break the physiological addiction we acquire from eating large amounts of fat and refined carbohydrates."

[queennicoleinboots]

Taco Thanksgiving Shopping (entertainment purposes only)

Count Vanilla Manilla, Lindsay, and I were at Publix shopping for the essentials of a Thanksgiving meal with tacos because that's what King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear said his sister loved to eat. We also had to take into account that there were vegans at the reception, which is the original reason we were sent to the store.

Makolai the Great Arc Angel flew smack dab into us. We told him about our great bullshit adventures of this year, and he mentioned that he and his wife, Coraline were doing well and that they were in a spiritual war.

Count Vanilla Manilla was rattling off ingredients from his long list after things were, in his opinion, getting too political: corn tortillas, black beans, pinto beans, great white beans, brown rice, white rice, spinach, tomatoes, mushrooms, jalapenos, onions, cilantro, serrano peppers, Annie's vegan macaroni and cheese, Daiya cheddar cheeze shreds, red bell pepper, yellow bell pepper, orange bell pepper, green bell pepper, limes, ground pepper, green tomatillos, red tomatillos, Tabasco, Tofurkey, potatoes, green beans, vegan flan, and whole golden kernel corn.

"Are we getting more margarine?" Lindsay asked.

"Oh yes, I forgot," Count Vanilla Manilla said.

"But we are not getting Blue Bonnet," I clarified.

"No, but are we getting Smart Balance with olive oil?" Colonel Mac asked.

"No," Lindsay said.

"Really? That's the kind I usually get for Mr. Williamson and his wife," I said.

Lindsay then stared at me as we were picking up all necessary items from produce: spinach, tomatoes, mushrooms, serrano peppers, potatoes, jalapenos, onions, cilantro, red bell pepper, yellow bell pepper, orange bell pepper, green bell pepper, limes, green tomatillos, green beans, and red tomatillos. She said, "I heard Smart Balance wasn't very balanced at all."

"Everyone's been saying that lately," I said.

Lindsay sighed. "Let's go to the margarine aisle. All of life's questions will be answered there," she said.

So we travelled clear on the other side of the store to the margarine aisle.

She pulled out the Smart Balance Margarine with olive oil from the refrigerator and read the ingredients. "Vegetable Oil Blend (Canola, Palm, Extra Virgin Olive, And Flaxseed Oils), Water, Less Than 2 Percent Of: Salt, Pea Protein, Natural And Artificial Flavors, Sunflower Lecithin, Vitamin A Palmitate, Beta Carotene (Color), Vitamin D, Monoglycerides Of Vegetable Fatty Acids (Emulsifier), And Potassium Sorbate, Lactic Acid, TBHQ and Calcium Disodium EDTA (to Protect Freshness)."

"Oh yeah, that stuff is evil!" I said.

"Precisely," Lindsay said.

Count Vanilla Manilla looked up what TBHQ was on his smartphone. "Tert-Butylhydroquinone (TBHQ, tertiary butylhydroquinone) is a synthetic aromatic organic compound which is a type of phenol. It is a derivative of hydroquinone, substituted with a tert-butyl group," he read.

"It's an oil we have no business eating it in the first place," I said.

"Exactly!" Lindsay shouted.

Makolai the Great Arc Angel said, "Wow. What the fuck? Thank Goodness I don't get that. But I must check my butter at home to ensure that there is no TBHQ in it again. I shall return." He then flew out of the store.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Crickets with Angel wings chirped as they flew through Publix. When we walked by the free sample booth, a FreeLee the Banana Girl video popped up on the screen.

https://youtu.be/ZRuytGHlpNc

Too long didn't watch (or maybe you did): It is about what she eats on a high-carb fruitarian diet... with a bunch of sugar.

Lindsay rolled her eyes and moved on with her life.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Makolai the Great Arc Angel then screamed as he flew to the margarine aisle.

Everyone in the store looked at Makolai the Great Arc Angel and gave him their undivided attention.

"Fucking hell! Smart Balance invaded my refrigerator! So what if it is on sale?! It is poisoning humankind! I must burn it! NICOLE! Open the glass door with the Smart Balance margarine in it!" Makolai the Great Arc Angel shouted.

I opened the glass door with the Smart Balance margarine in it.

Makolai the Great Arc Angel shot blue death rays out of his eyes and burned all products related to Smart Balance margarine and screamed.

Lindsay screamed. Everyone in the store screamed. The cast of PeeWee Herman also screamed. Apparently, they needed to go grocery shopping, too.

"But remember. Save the Earth Balance margarine that's soy free. It's legit," Lindsay said in a normal voice. She then grabbed the Earth Balance Soy Free margarine and put it in the cart.

The Grinch then hobbled over and screamed. "Smart Balance is a balance of over-price and chemical deathhhhhh," he said. Then he hobbled away.

Makolai the Great Arc Angel then announced, "If we were not making vegan Taco Mac with Count Vanilla Extract..."

Lindsay, Count Vanilla Extract, The Grinch, Sir Paul the Goat, Smeagull, the cast of PeeWee Herman, and everyone in the store screamed. "Taco Mac with Count Vanilla" was still the phrase of the last three years.

Makolai the Great Arc Angel then continued, "Then I would prefer butter or a buttery spread."

"Agreed!" Count Vanilla Extract, Lindsay, other non-vegans, and I said with authority.

"Wait? I'm Vanilla Extract now?" Count Vanilla Extract asked as he raised his eyebrow.

"Not that I use much butter, but I know better than to use margarine on my own account. It is evil," Makolai the Great Arc Angel shouted. "And yes. I dub thee Extract. It's Thanksgiving, a holiday of using vanilla extract. Manilla is not sufficient for your caliber."

Sir Paul the Goat bleated loudly. "But it rhymed!" he shouted.

"In that case, am I granted the powers of baker?" Count Vanilla Extract asked as he walked around Publix with Makolai the Great Arc Angel.

"Absolutely!" Makolai the Great Arc Angel said with a salesangel smile as he pointed his two index fingers at Count Vanilla Extract dramatically. "And a baker's cap and apron to boot!"

"Oh boy! Grant me baking powers!" Count Vanilla Extract spoke with excitement.

"As you wish," Makolai the Great Arc Angel said with a huge smile before he chanted in a dark angelic language.

All shoppers were watching with awe.

Makolai the Great Arc Angel continued to chant as Publix was getting darker.

Count Vanilla Extract was smiling widely, and his teeth were getting whiter. He growled with excitement.

Makolai the Great Arc Angel continued to chant before he sang and danced to Lazy Town's song, "Cooking by the Book." https://youtu.be/ZD71JeX4Vk0?feature=shared

He was definitely one of the citizens of Lazy Town before he moved here.

OH SHIT!

Makolai the Great Arc Angel stopped everything after he sang "Caaaaaaaaaake" for just a liiiittle too long.

Count Vanilla Extract turned into a gray cub who wore the same outfit as the Pitsbury Doughboy.

Everyone gasped.

Makolai the Great Arc Angel looked over and gasped in horror. "OH SHIT!!!! I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I held that note for just a liiiiiittle too long. Oh God I gotta reverse this!" he spoke quickly and frantically.

Count Vanilla Extract looked down at his strong paws and grinned widely. "COOL!!!" he said in a higher-pitched Southern accent.

"You're okay with this?" Makolai the Great Arc Angel said with his eyebrow raised.

"YEAH!" Count Vanilla Extract said as he jumped out of his chair. "I can bake! I can bake! Eat your heart out, Martha Stewart!" he started to skip. "And I'm wearing an apron, motherfuckers!" He skipped around the store and growled cheerfully. His white apron swished.

"Awwwww!!!!" everyone in the store said.

"Vanilla Mac is so cute," I said.

He turned around, skipped over to me, and looked up to me. "I like that name more than Count Vanilla Extract. I am a baker, not a count. I was a vampire Cub, so I had to be a Count," he spoke with a cute cub growl.

"YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!" Makolai the Great Arc Angel shouted. "Keep going."

"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you," Vanilla Mac said.

Everyone said, "Awwwwwwww."

"You are welcome!" Makolai the Great Arc Angel shouted.

The cast of PeeWee Herman, FreeLee the Banana Girl, the Grinch, Seagull, and Paul the Goat screamed.

"And I am Chef Makolai!" the angel said before thunder, lightning, and light came upon him. He transformed into a chef. His wings were as white as Vanilla Ice. He now wore a big white chef's hat, sea green tie with a cupcake on it, a bright white dress shirt, bright white slacks, white shoes, and a long sea green apron. His skin was as white as snow, and he had a fiery red beard. "Happy Thanksgiving, Mother Fuckers!"

"Happy Thanksgiving, Chef Makolai," Vanilla Mac said.

"Thank you. Also, I dub thee Chef Vanilla Mac," Chef Makolai said with a booming voice.

"OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! OKAY!" Chef Vanilla Mac shouted. "I am only seven after all."

"I have spoken!" Chef Makolai said.

"King Bruce Ice has a story with a title of him speaking," Chef Vanilla Mac said.

"I read that months ago!" Chef Makolai said with excitement.

"That meeting was bonkers. But we really do need to finish this shopping. I don't want him speaking about our tardiness," Lindsay said.

"No thank you. I don't want THAT AS A STORY!" Chef Makolai said.

Lindsay, Chef Makolai, Chef Vanilla Mac, and I continued to shop. We picked up Annie's vegan macaroni and cheese, canned pinto beans, canned black beans, canned great white canned beans, corn tortillas, bags of brown rice, bags of white rice, vegan flan, Tobasco, Tofurkey, and Daiya cheddar cheeze shreds.

Lindsay then looked around the canned vegetable aisle to look for the canned whole golden kernel corn.

I looked frantically for the golden whole kernel corn while Lindsay and Chef Vanilla Mac were absent-mindedly putting the other groceries in the cart.

“WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CORN?” I screamed loudly to the point where the whole store could hear. The ground shook.

Chef Vanilla Mac dropped the list because he was shocked at the random loud volume of my voice. “Chef Vanilla Mac, find the fucking corn now! What the hell?! Where the hell’s my corn, Chef Vanilla Mac?!”

“I don’t know! I'm trying. Stop yelling at me!” Chef Vanilla Mac said as he was crying and slumping his shoulders.

He was slightly shocked when a woman named Karen joined in with her voice. “Yeah, where the fuck is ze corn? You’d think canned corn would be easy to find in a fuckin’ grocery store,” she yelled.

A store associate rushed to the scene in a panic. “What kind of corn are you looking for, ma’am?” she asked.

Another woman sales associate chimed in, “We’d love to help.”

“Golden kernel,” I said.

Everyone in the store was looking for the corn she mentioned. Even Chef Vanilla Mac and Lindsay were in on looking for it. Lindsay lifted Chef Vanilla Mac in her arms as they looked for the corn.

“No, no, not here, dammit,” a fat Karen said. “Son ov a bitch!”

“Not here,” Chef Vanilla Mac said.

“Is this it, ma’am?” one of the customers asked me as she presented me with a can of God-forsaken creamed corn.

Chef Vanilla Mac randomly farted. It smelled like too much tacos.

“No! I said ‘Golden kernel,’ you stupid mother fucker!” I yelled as I got in her dopey-looking face. “I already told you. ‘Golden kernel’ ‘Golden kernel’ Goddammit!”

“Sorry, ma’am, Lord, please help us find this ‘Golden kernel’ corn,” she said.

The fat Karen interrupted, “SHIT WHERE THE FUCK IS THIS FUCKASS WOMAN'S CORN?”

“All of a sudden my corn is gone. It has been on this particular aisle for like three fucking years. Why is it gone? Where the fuck is the CORN?” I ranted.

Chef Makolai carried several cans of whole golden kernel corn as he flew to the carts we were pushing. Angels and Doughboys literally sang as he flew. It had no added salt, so the angels and Doughboys sang even louder.

He saved Publix.

"Really Publix saved Publix. It had this corn in stock. And I found it. They didn't move it 40 feet down like the Publix on I-11 did five years ago," Chef Makolai pointed out. He flapped his wings quickly for effect.

"But you still found the corn and saved Publix," I said.

He stared at me. I stared at him. We blinked. There was a moment in which I was honored by his existence.

"Thank God Publix can stay alive. Now can we pleeeasssse get out of here!? I would like to get over this Taco Mac with me series and move on," Chef Vanilla Mac said. "And if I have to listen to chemically-induced ingredients, I am going to scream."

Chef Makolai, Lindsay, the cast of PeeWee Herman, the Grinch, Smeagull, Garfield, and everyone in the store screamed.

"At least no one is reading ingredients. Ugh!" Chef Vanilla Mac said as he ran like the cub he was to the check-out.

"In non-GMO, organic, gluten-free corn tortillas, they have WATER, YELLOW CORN MASA FLOUR ENGINEERED BY DR. ROBOTNIK AND MAMA LUIGI, ORGANIC GUAR GUM, and LIME" I said as I read the ingredients just to troll Chef Vanilla Mac.

Chef Vanilla Mac screamed so loud that everyone else started screaming. "THAT'S ABUSE!!!!!" he shouted.

Paul the Goat even walked back in the store and bleated.

Then we went to check-out because Chef Vanilla Mac just couldn't take anymore.

End Credits: https://youtu.be/Tx-oMRYpH4U?si=eIh7N2AX5dOsEC_q

[mariacallous]

Looking for a Shabbat dinner centerpiece or a hearty midweek meal? Picture cubes of eggplant, zucchini, bell peppers, tomatoes and potatoes cooked together to create that special harmony only veggies that grew together in the sun achieve. You’re thinking of ratatouille, right? But what I have in mind is a heartier dish from Romania and Bulgaria called ghiveci or guvech.

Romanian ghiveci and Bulgarian guvech are indeed very similar to the famous ratatouille, but being peasant’s food, they’re more rustic and substantial. The veggies for guvech are cut into large, uneven chunks, and can be cooked all together at once, while for ratatouille, each component is fried separately before they are combined. This makes guvech preparation much easier, and allows for creative improvisations; you can easily add any vegetables in season. Besides the mandatory eggplant, zucchini, peppers, tomatoes and potatoes, green beans or okra are common. Guvech is seasoned very simply with salt, black pepper and occasionally paprika, to let the produce shine. The Bulgarian version is cooked with fatty meat, while most Romanian versions are vegan.

“In Bulgaria, guvech used to be cooked in a clay pot called gyuveche,” Etti Ben Yosef, a Bulgarian Jew who lives in Israel, told me. “The stew was cooked in the oven for many hours at low temperature.” 

But these days, when Ben Yosef makes guvech for Shabbat dinner, she uses a pressure cooker to precook the beef short ribs before adding them to the vegetables. Then, she cooks the entire stew on the stove for a long time, putting it in the oven for the final hour to give it a nice crust. She feels lucky to share the recipe with her adult children. “I keep the tradition so the kids will remember,” she said.

Guvech’s origins can be traced to the Ottoman Empire that ruled the Balkan region for hundreds of years. The original Turkish dish, called güveç, is cooked in a wide, clay dish by the same name. It’s very similar to the Bulgarian guvech and includes chicken, lamb or beef. There are many other variations of the dish throughout the Balkans. Bosnian Đuveč or djuvec is the name of a clay pot as well as a veggie casserole that’s cooked with rice; Greek giouvetsi is also cooked with rice. In Romania, the eggplant-tomato version is considered summer ghiveci, while winter ghiveci is prepared with carrots, cabbage, cauliflower and mushrooms. 

Bulgarian Sephardi Jews and Romanian Ashkenazi Jews brought guvech to Israel (where it’s pronounced “ghe-vech”) and made the dish widely popular. No wonder, given that eggplant and tomatoes are so beloved in Israel and are of such high quality. Early Israeli versions can be found in Molly Bar David’s “Folkloric Cookbook” from 1964. The first version includes 14 different vegetables (including celery root and cauliflower) and meat. The second version is for Romanian ghiveci that’s baked with a whole fish on top.

The vegetarian Romanian version is probably most common in Israel nowadays. And although it is  traditionally served over rice, I like to serve it on another Romanian staple, mamaliga. It’s the definition of comfort food. 

This recipe is the Bulgarian version of guvech that includes meat. You can make the recipe vegetarian by simply omitting the meat. The rest of the ingredients and instructions stay the same.

Notes:

It is recommended, and easy, to add any seasonal vegetables to the basic guvech. Consider adding: 1 lb butternut squash or sweet potato, cut into ½-inch dice; ½ lb whole okra, stems removed; or ½ lb green beans, cut into 1-inch pieces.

You can cook the meat, if using, up to two days in advance. Store the cooked meat in the fridge with the cooking liquid. Before using, remove from the fridge and discard the fat on the top of the pot (the fat will be solid and white in color). 

Guvech keeps in the fridge for up to four days.