#you might not understand why and im glad you dont... but you will start to as this gets worse

[bulbabutt]

i sure hope as a second mass exodus from twitter occurs (along with the overwhelming conservative nature of the world right now) we dont keep getting more people demanding purity culture. you cant demand every pervert on the internet 'kys' or else there will eventually be no one left on the internet. that window of acceptability will always swing back further and further until the idea of sharing a bed as a married couple is taboo once again.

this is one of the last bastions of peace we have where you can post queer or diverse or maybe just weird art without getting spotted by bigoted grifters trying to make money off outrage culture calling you a pervert or worse. and its entirely imperfect as a website with its own fucking problems, but i really hope the people on it dont start getting worse.

i dont care what you do so long as youre kind to others and respect their rights to exist, and their boundaries. that shouldnt be a controversial statement but i bet i lose followers over it again.

it should also go without question that this does not include people who celebrate fascism. those are the people you need to make clear do not belong in your spaces, people who wilfully wish harm on the more marginalized.

and i understand that i keep bringing this up, that i sound like a broken record and perhaps thats annoying, but im honestly worried about it. i think modern social media and the nature of needing to network to be found by an algorithm that doesnt like anything controversial makes everyone worse. makes you try to be as broadly acceptable as possible. but thats always going to be a losing battle as more and more things become less acceptable.

i think a lot of you just might not have been alive before 2008, but anonymity on the internet is so important. it keeps you safe. we lost that at some point, as the socials with your full name and phone number started forcibly adding your boss to your friends list. made everyone start locking down their shit, as a random meme about 'boss makes a dollar i make a dime' can get you fired.

theres a lot of outing and doxxing culture thats so fucking normalized, and as the world grows more hostile to people who make a stink about things, i hope you dont find any excuse to get them hurt just so you can separate yourselves from them. i want you to think about things like the hayes code, where being gay could get you labelled a pervert. so you might think 'its okay ive never done anything inappropriate on the internet' (which, i dont believe you about) maybe not yet, but as the ideals of whats socially acceptable turn back to the 1950s you will have. keeping at a witch hunt looking for anyone with immoral art is only feeding the fire that will eat you later.

[burinazar]

[note: i know for a fact i'm doing this for the same reason that i fixate on nebulous fandom anxieties at other times: helplessness regarding anxieties about larger geopolitical issues]

feeling in a very weird position right now thinking about the fact theres a nonzero chance that either one of the cosplayers ive become acquainted with or someone in their immediate circle could do brownface in the future and people are gonna come at me like 'hey why are you not calling them out and/or giving them a racial sensitivity seminar and/or personally fistfighting them on the floor of the doujin circle event'

[smolsaltypan]

.

[actuallyprobablyafaerie]

pjo episode four parts that made me scream

Them starting with sally trying teach percy how to swim and percy being scared is fantastic for two reasons: number one, its a normal kid thing and number two it ties into later in the books when we find out percy has a fear of drowning. Its like hoe thalia has a fear of heights and kind of ties into the idea that forbidden children are often afraid of some part of their parents element. I love that theyre bringing in elements of that idea so early!!!

percy’s “can i ask a stupid question” and annabeths “are you trying to make me make fun of you” akdbdkbaaksbdkjsbakks shes so funny

I LOVE THAT THEY BRING UP PAN AND SPECIFICALLY TIE HIM TO MANIFEST DESTINY AND AMERICAS HISTORY OF KILLING ITS INDIGENOUS PEOPLE!!!! ITS IMPORTANT FUCKING HISTORY AND IM SO GLAD THE SHOW ACKNOWLEDGED IT

percy and annabeths little banter, percys stupid accent and then him collapsing on her. That and the scene where theyre talking on the train is the percabeth we deserve!!!!!! God i love them so much

ALSO going back to the scene where theyre talking in bed on the train i love how annabeth knows that grovers grumpy in the morning and percy doesnt. Grover was her protector once too!! (Like they said last episode) and theyve traveled together before!! He was annabeths friend before he was percys

ok everyones already said this but the parallels between annabeth and medusa?!!??? With medusa saying “i was you” last episode and now annabeth getting punished for something percy did ghe same was medusa was punished for something Poseidon did????? Absolutely insane i love it

also the fact that it hurt athenas pride specifically, much like how medusa mentioned the “pride of athena” in reference to annabeth last episode, which all ties back to the fact that hubris is annabeths fatal flaw and she gets it from her mother

THE CUT TO PERCY IN THE FOUNTAIN AND THEM SPLASHING WATER ON HIM AHSKSBJAHAJSJSB theyre so funny for that

Percy just looks like a wet rag this episode and its so well done you can even tell the makeup on his face was done to make him appear paler and sicklier and it works so well

ok PERCY PULLING ANNABETH INTO THE STAIRWELL AND SHUTTING THE DOOR???? Because hes loyal to a fault!!!! And theyre becoming friends!!!!!!!!! And he cares about her more in like a week than athena ever has and its shown to us so clearly in this episode!!!!!!

ONCE AGAIN LUKES MOTIVATIONS ARE GOING TO MAKE SO MUCH SENSE BY THE TIME WE GET TO THE END OF THIS AND WE DONT EVEN HAVE TO SPEND TIME WITH HIM TO UNDERSTAND THEM god this series is so well done

Also the chimeras design looks so cool i love it so much

AND WE FINALLY GET AN ANSWER AS TO HOW PERCY GOT IN THE RIVER FROM THE TOP OF THE ARCH!! (At least in the tv world, in the book world the arch might very well just be in a different spot lol)

Poseidon saves him!! Hes a better parent than athena is apparently

god the episode ending with percy breathing underwater is so good i was on the edge of my seat until the very end

OK LAST THING is that they are continuing the theme sally brings up about monsters not always looking like monsters and heroes not always looking like heroes so well!!! Echidna bringing it up and saying that to her, demigods are more dangerous was fantastic i love how dedicated they are to this

OK ACTUALLY THE LAST THING i love the dichotomy of different mothers in this episode. We start with sally and percy and immediately see how much they love each other and care about each other!!!! Then we get to echidna who cares about her children too by teaching them to hunt!!! And then we get athena who ducking punishes annabeth for something she didnt even do. And its like. That was a little monstrous athena. Im understanding why someone might want to kill their godly parent

GOD THIS SERIES IS SO GOOD

[ronkeyroo]

A positive Update

Friends, kind folk - Hello Again 🤍

Ever since my last update post, I've been thinking about it , a lot ;; I knew I needed time to cook and reflect, and im so glad I gave myself that...

2024 started rough for me; I fell severely ill again - I was too busy cursing my life and dwelling over how betrayed I felt by things still not getting better despite my efforts that I didn't realize I was walking into a self fulfilling prophecy. Its true that the struggles I'm going through are yet to be solved, that its gotten so much to the point giving up seemed easier, and that a couple individuals haven't been making it easier on me either; I swayed and i rattled and I steered within feelings ranging from confusion to anger to dismay and all of this back and forth did nothing but remind me of yet another self-destructive loop I just don't want to allow in my life anymore. Its exactly the kinda stuff that made me ill to begin with, and I've been so lost dealing with everything in between that i forgot to tend to the actual core centering all of this...

It grew unbearable how much emotional and physical turmoil I was pushing myself into, and knowing how intertwined these two elements have been; I had to draw a line before i majorly screwed myself over, gathering any bit of inner will to discipline myself back into some sort of clarity, enough to at least look through a lens OUTSIDE my pain for once, towards the kind of life I want to lead, and the kind of life I don't; and I came to an understanding.

From my physical state to my mental, to the people and memories I've experienced, both the good and the bad - I want to prioritize the good.

Not in a shitty ass, toxic optimism kinda way but in a "I want to prioritize knowing and living the possibility that even when it hurts, even when i want to be gone, even when life doesn't align - There's still every good reason in the world to keep moving forward, to face things from a perspective of growth & compassion, and to grow to love the promise of a better tomorrow even when today was unbearable." To know that I don't end or begin in my suffering, that the infinite potential I speak so fondly of applies to me, as well...

I want to be able to wield and create and share that goodness, too, Especially when it is already in decline...And for all gods sake, to internalize that all of this STILL exists and STILL matters even when it doesn't work the first couple or dozens of times.

As for my place here in Tumblr...I know the sentiment might feel silly to some but the experiences, memories, and connections I've made here have truly been such a significant force in my life, and i don't want to give up on that ;; Not because of my own insecurities, or an inner state of hopelessness, and especially not over a bunch of emotionally immature Anons that dont know how to handle themselves; I want to forgive all of that.

I'm stubborn, and there's an unyielding force within me that no matter how many times it is struck down, it proved itself ridiculously resilient. I'm perking up with with a fiery confidence realizing just how many times it rose back up, enough to realize it is an unchangeable part of me ;_; I shouldn't underestimate that force, and I want to keep living by its side. Whatever positive change I can sprinkle onto my life and the lives of those I care for, I will! And the reason why this space in particular is so important to me, is because so much of that already exists here, alongside you folks;

THAT'S the kind of energy i want to nourish and walk into the new year with! I want to continue growing as a person, challenging my inner turmoils, undoing the self punishing dogmas that still haunt me, stop flexing my teeth over things that don't deserve my time and god DAMN, just - indulge in the stuff that makes me happy, even when I'm going through unhappy times.

So yeah...I guess that means, I'm back & I'm staying ;_;)🧡

I know i may seem like a broken record when it comes to expressing gratitude but - Thank you, thank you thank you everyone who have reached out for me, who so fondly kept me in their thoughts and kept encouraging me whenever i was hurting, both then and now...You folks mean more than whatever ailment or struggle I can go through, and while I'm unsure of how the future will look like as I'm still going through various challenges- I couldn't have asked for a cooler, sweeter audience to have by my side whenever Its time to take a rest or hype over our sexy delicious blorbos!

Speaking of which....................I have been cooking quite a lot of things in the time i was away 👀✨ I most definitely intend to serve them, eheheh

[irishmammonagenda]

Hii!! 🧚‍♀️It's Wee Emo anon 🍾

Really liked your last work, so here i am again

Can i request brothers reaction on MC who cry over small things?

Like they see little kitten on the street and - WHOOP! - they're bubbling sobbing mess

I'm kinda can't cry (sounds dramatic lol) and wanna MC to feel it instead of me 😬

Love your works, keep going bestie💐🏃‍♂️

HI WEE EMO <3 please ignore the fact you sent me this on april 27th and its now june i had gcses to prepare for 😔✊

anyway, who let you into my house 😧��

no seriously i've cried at multiple south park episodes. south park. sometimes i wanna cry when i see my dog i cannot be trusted i tear up so easily especially when im writing🙁

for not being able to cry that is not very good for you fr:

i used to not be able to cry + still only really tear up, some tears drip down and let out like 2 sobbing sounds before im good again, i dont even have to try and stop crying, two sobs and im done, but my biggest tip is, get tired like really sleepy to the point where your eyes water bc of tiredness then watch something really sad.

i ha to literally train myself to be able to cry again bro dw, i wish i could have a big long cry but like 3 mins of crying is better than none, trust me wee emo you'll feel better

#dontbottleupyouremotions

ANYWAY:

this was very hard to imagine their reactions to idk why, but i tried so 😔✊

grma wee emo for requesting <3 and grma everyone else for reading <3

Obey Me Brothers With a Sensitive MC <3

It was safe to say you were sensitive, back when Melanie Martinez's music was a lot better, you really could say that the song 'Crybaby' pretty much encapsulated your entire being, it still did, but you liked to think you were more mature in your music taste now. (You weren't)

Being suddenly catapulted into the Devildom did a number on your emotions, and you found yourself quite numb. But as you adjusted, and bonded with the others, you found that you were back to your usual self, which was a crybaby.

So then how do the brothers react?

LUCIFER

Great. Two Mammons.

At least Mammon No.2 (you) isnt a tsundere about it.

Lucifer does not like seeing you cry. Even if its because something is cute, (although he does find it quite adorable, not that he'd admit it)

This demon is of the opinion that tears should never disgrace your beautiful eyes.

He will invite you to listen to his records with him and purposely put on sad ones or really sweet ones so you grip onto him while you tear up,

He is a demon, after all. ;)

MAMMON

Finally. Someone who cries more than him!

It actually makes him feel safer around you, like you wont bully him for being more sensitive than his brothers.

Actually ends up dropping a lot of his tsundere act around you.

You watch movies together, but always have to check the Devildom version of 'doesthedogdie.com'

Idk, I feel like Mammon would give you a bit of bother for it at first but then slowly start to like, open up more, because he really does see himself in you like that.

LEVIATHAN

He blanks.

One day you start crying because of how cute the anime you both were watching was, Levi thought you were geniunely upset, so he tried to cheer you up.

You end up thinking that its really sweet and start crying harder.

Leviathan PANICKS.

Even now, he still gets really nervous when you start crying, and has popped into his demon form more times than he can count when you grab onto him and sniffle.

Please he's already so awkward he can't handle how cute you are.

You might make him start crying as well :(

SATAN

Satan 100% gets so angry he starts crying so he can kind of understand it.

He's just glad you cry over positive things :)

His favourite moment was definetly when you teared up over a small kitten. (He took several photos and also took the kitten home)

Like Lucifer he 100% invites you to read with him and picks the fluffiest most adorable romance he can find, or the saddest most heartbreaking romance he can find.

He likes when you cling onto him and look up at him with those big teary eyes.

He's a demon. What did you expect, ;)

ASMODEUS

He thinks you're adorable.

Any emotion on your face is adorable to him actually. <3

If you wear makeup he makes sure to get you waterproof mascara and other eye makeup so your beautiful tears dont ruin your beautiful makeup <3

If any of you remember that crying girl makeup trend? Yeah he deffo starts that up in the Devildom (a) to make you feel less embarrassed about it and (b) because he thinks youre so beautiful when you express yourself.

BEELZEBUB

He doesn't cry a lot, it's not exactly something that comes naturally to him at all.

Its not that he CANT cry or that he holds his tears back, its just that he doesn't normally process or reaction to things with tears.

Only in serious serious situations will he cry.

So when he sees you crying over one of those little onigiri things that are literally adorable, he thinks that you've somehow hurt yourself. (i nabbed this off of pinterest)

Beel panics, and mentally goes over the ingredients in his head, did he order something with an ingredient that was dangerous to humans?

He calms down when he realises that you're crying because it looks cute.

He feels you with that.

Makes an effort to take you to more places with food items displayed in cute ways.

Though you do have to look away while Beel cuts them up for you, otherwise you wouldnt be able to eat it.

BELPHEGOR

He laughs at you.

Point blank.

Originally when he's in the attic he uses your sensitivity as a way to manipulate you.

But post lesson 16, he really starts to appreciate it more.

This bastard will use his powers as the youngest sibling against you, he'll dress up in cute onesies and give you puppy eyes, all to coax you into taking naps with him.

Which you do.

I have no idea how half of these fuckheads would react tbh

[miifu666]

Hi hope you’re doing ok and drinking plenty of water !! I was wondering what do you think Macaque would be like if he was in black myth wukong ? (Also not me low-key wondering what would happen if suklha met the man who pretended to be wukong ) 😏

Heyy helloo ♡♡♡ 🥺

Im not glad to say ive been deep in my tea addiction ngl, thanks for reminding me 🥲.

Ooooh i haven't thought about it yet! Although ive seen how Black Myth uses JTTW as sort of a prequel for the game, since Destined one is their own original character. Regardless, everything is a bit similar to the JTTW story!

I've been wondering how the fight would be like if Destined one had to confront Macaque again. Considering, Macaque is supposed to be the shadow of Sun Wukong. Two minds alike. Fighting his own demons even as he's reincarnated would be fun to think about.

Also the look of Macaque being so similar to Destined one, besides the six ears ofc. While his fighting style being similar to Rellana from elden ring 🥲🥲 argh maybe im too imaginative.

Macaque being in the storyline to trick Bajie again because ?? Why not. If he had the intent to steal the buddhism from Wukong, who's to say he won't steal all the relic himself?? And tricking the pig is so fun and easy.

Destined one being a silent monkey while Macaque is talking and trying every ounce of his charismatic self to anger him. He's not used to THE Sun Wukong being so... mute.

Okay thats all for now 😭 im braindead fr fr.

Suklha Meeting Macaque

it'll be pretty interesting, considering one is a monkey who perfected the spell of impersonation, while the other is a god known to have countless of faceless forms.

During the first sight, Suklha won't notice its not Wukong. Her antennas are sensitive, she only noticed a few wrongdoings of the "Wukong" yet she brushed it aside as her paranoia. Continuing to treat "Wukong" as she usually would.

Then the more she watched how distant this "Wukong" is compared to before, she starts to doubt him. Probably finding any faults that she can and pointing it at him, cornering the supposed "Wukong". Again. This made her seem like a crazy demon, untrusting and planning to manipulate the pilgrims. Making her an outcast.

Unfortunately, Suklha isn't the type to reprimand someone after they've shown disinterest towards her advice countless of times. So she just leave them be with a few parting words, and glaring at "Wukong" she can't blame them all ofc, but being outcasted is pretty hurtful.

Next time she saw Macaque again without his spell, she'd probably clap at his ability. To fool even the pilgrims, monks and an ex general bajie is such a defeat. Heck even the headache sutra is fooled. Thats pretty impressive.

Might actually be a teasing moment for Suklha to mock Wukong for. "What? Going to let that macaque be a better transfigurator than you?" Just to see Wukong puff out and stomp away. Overall, it'll be an interesting but annoying experience for Suklha, ngl she'll feel threatened to see someone so good at personifying others but nonetheless knowledge is power isnt it?

I dont have Suklha reaction to meeting the Black Myth! Macaque yet currently :( but i have a doodle of LMK! Macaque

I haven't reached far enough in the LMK to understand how the fanarts drew him with white fur yet 😭 i got the doodle inspiration from my dad, who prefers Hanoman more than Wukong (we're fighting rn, in a BOXING RING)

[hey-its-danny]

many virtual miles anon here! thanks so much for answering my ask and for the cute doodle omg i cackled out loud. i'll be sure to peep your instagram to see that goodgood sonic art. and at your request! i'll let u know that my ship back in the day was clive and hershel himself! at the time i didnt see why it might be a little controversial since they were both adults over 21 and clive wasn't luke (nor do i think hershel ever thought he was luke, logical guy that he is), but as ive gotten older i better understand why some people are squicky about it. i still think it's more okay than some ships though? and has potential to be really sweet and healing, or messy in a troubled villain reformation sort of way... im still fond of it, when it's portrayed the way i like! anyway yeah that one's mine, u dont have to even publish this LOL i just wanted to answer the little question in your tags!

so i read this ask right away miles anon, and im so glad you took the time to write it bc YEAH theres nothing like illegal going on, it’s dubious at best (and when i say at best this is secretly a double meaning because the ship is also at its best when its a little dubious).

i think the best part about them is the relationship between clive and his identity as ‘big luke’, like both the player and hershel start and end the game with a very vague understanding of the difference of his character when performing for the future london and when he’s at his lowest before he’s arrested. and because of that, it leaves his cry for help as hard to parse. is he genuine? is he feigning (maybe not maliciously but as a self preservation or an attempt to leave layton with the thought of helping him)? and if it is genuine, which is the most charitable and probably intentional outcome, is his and layton’s shared trauma too vast or deep to reconcile? is he in the mental position to enter a relationship?? i dont know, its all so interesting, it’s like clive’s final line served to solidify himself in layton’s mind as a person who’s worth saving, and better yet, that the only person who can do so is him.

[edenfenixblogs]

hope you dont mind me sending an ask being a total stranger and all, i just don't wanna bother op of that post

fd does bring up the fact kendrick is a BHI/hotep briefly, specifically that that's great ammo for a beef because to most people the bhi/hoteps are considered weird and embarrassing and would be insanely easy to make fun of in a beef (at least according to most black people I've spoken with & fd himself), but also he believes that drake probably doesn't even really grasp what they are because he's distanced himself in such a specific way from the black community (and arguably jewish community as well, though i think fd only kinda alludes to it) in a really specific way- BUT, that it was an evolution, he started out in a very odd cultural position where he was ostracized for simultaneously recieving antiblackness from white & jewish communities he was a part of but also seen as "not black enough" by many black people (and it's still a bullshit take people will have)

that desire to fit in is what led him down a shitty road, but also drake already clearly had some clearly terrible behaviors already. he talks about how kendrick was being unhinged too and isnt necessarily one to talk

overall the video is more about the music history behind it and the connection between it and the current culture, and just kinda what led to this climate that could want the downfall of drake

i dont know if i agree on drake not knowing about BHIs, though i could believe he doesnt with how he really weirdly constantly codeswitches even wrt jewishness, but imho fd doesnt like to touch on areas where he really cannot speak to the experience, he's said as much in the past, so he only speaks very briefly of the black perspective of how hoteps are goofy as hell

sorry for rambling, im really into music, think fd did the video well although i dont agree with all his opinions, and just wanted to articulate it correctly that it's really more about the musical climate than anything else :)

I don’t mind this message at all!!! In fact, I’m so grateful for it!

This is all really good info. I would believe that Drake didn’t know about BHI, tbh. I didn’t know about it until a couple years ago when Ice Cube (who I grew up loving 😭😭😭) did some heinous shit awhile ago and I was like “Why did my man come for us Jews what the fuck??”

And then a mutual told me about BHI and I looked up. And found a whole new group of people who hate, dehumanize and erase us. 🙃🙃🙃🙃

I mean, theoretically, maybe Drake may have had more exposure to it as a Black and Jewish man. His mere existence makes him more of a target for people invested in that kind of ideology. But also, I do and always have very much gotten the sense that he was ostracized from much of the black community for his Jewishness and mixed race reasons—not due any specific issue in the black community, but just because people are always dicks to people who don’t neatly fit into social categories in expected ways. I can also see how being a Black rapper in white-passing Jewish circles could have been very uncomfortable if those white-passing Jews were inclined to tokenize or exclude him. So it’s possible to me that his bilateral isolation might have insulated him from BHI discourse.

Tbh I don’t think code switching is weird in almost any circumstance. It’s just a development in reaction to your environment. I have a really multiethnic and multicultural family and code switch all the time. I think if it seems weird when Drake does it, it might just be because he has not developed (and tbh should never have had to develop) a strong sense of what “version” of Drake he is supposed to be. So when he tries to read the room and meet expectations, be just does it badly. But it’s not his fault in the long run. It is fault of people who expect him to fit those expectations in the first place.

I respect the hell outta fd for staying in his lane and only speaking on what he understands. And with this context I’m glad he brings up BHI at all. Because it *is* relevant. Being Black and Jewish ANYWHERE are both identities that permeate every single element of someone’s lived experience. When dealing with a beef between people where one is Black and Jewish and the other is Black and attempts to usurp Jewishness by re-categorizing it historically and racially…the cultural friction at play is absolutely relevant.

I’m sure it isn’t the whole story or even likely to be the most important factor in their beef. But it is definitely A factor and it wouldn’t have been right to leave it undressed. Especially when the beef took off as antisemitism more broadly was on the rise due to current events.

I am glad to know that most people still see BHI as a goody ideology. There’s still wayyy too many people who believe it, though. I’ve lived with the consequences of their hatred for white-passing Jews for several months now and it is…unpleasant. But mostly it’s heartbreaking. I grew up listening to Ice Cube. I used to cite James Baldwin. I adored Alice Walker. And finding out that they hate me one by one was devastating. But the worst part has been OTHER BHI folks using their words to justify their own hatred of me and all Jews like me while simultaneously making me feel like I was harming them in some way just by existing.

I want to be clear that I do not and never have believed that most black people believe BHI bullshit. I’m only saying that it was a shock to me the sheer number of people who DO believe it and how vehemently they hold that belief and direct that vehement *emotion* directly at me. It’s really good for me to know that people who aren’t Jewish are publicly speaking out against BHI bullshit. It restores a lot of hope for me.

So ok. I’m back on the “maybe I’ll watch in a little bit when I’m less raw” train. I also love music, even though I’m certainly not up to date on it. So I’m intrigued to know more about the musical landscape of what’s going on.

Thanks again!

[aihaitahm]

Hii!! I saw in one of ur fics you might be busy so if you can do this request please do it at anytime you can!

I was wondering if you could do headcanons of Jing Yuan and Gepard with a s/o reader who has fox physiology (like all attributes of a fox including a very fluffy tail/ears) and maybe their powers revolve around like spirits?

jing yuan + gepard with a foxian s/o!

hiii my inbox will stay open bc its empty rn. im open for more suggestions/some requests but m really busy im abtbto move out too apologies T_T

took inspo from chongyun from genshin hope thats okay !!

jing yuan

being friends with ting yun, you always visited your cheerful foxian duo. unlike her, you were more calm and collected due to the fact you work with good spirits and you exorcise bad ones. you both are very close and would often talk about anything. that includes anything about jing yuan.

your friend notices how your eyes glow in curiousity whenever the general was the topic of your conversation and how you become flustered every time you talk to him. she would often tease you about him every after interaction you and jing yuan have. you cannot hide anything from her. she purposely leaves you both alone on purpose and would talk to him about you in a good way.

jing yuan praises you for your work and wont hesitate to always compliment you. every day his gaze on you lingers longer than he realizes, that was until yanqing pointed it out. jing yuan just laughs but he doesnt say anything or deny anything. from your attractiveness to your foxian attributes to your smile and aura, you got him obsessed.

jing yuan starts asking about you a lot more to whoever is in his room. may it be ting yun or yanqing or yukong, he is always asking questions like ‘where is (name) or ‘how is (name)’ when literally he just saw you.

he likes your company a lot and could listen to you all day about your adventures when exorcising different spirits. he finds it fascinating that bad spirits wouldnt even want to be around you but you seem to attract the best spirits that can guide you.

it was the snoozing general that confessed to your calm foxian self and you were glad he likes you too. everyone was joyful especially the master diviner because jing yuan wouldnt shut up about you and he can finally finish some work.

nap times with him is so cute. he would literally hug you like a teddy bear and he would want to feel your ears under his chin while you wrap your tail around him. he understands that those parts maybe sensitive (however you wanna interpret it) and would always ask your permission first.

gepard

you came to belobog since it was your mission to be there with the astral express crew. fast forward to when things settled down, you have been eyeing on the cute silvermane guard aka captain gepard and would always or somehow manage to pull pranks on him so that he could pay attention to you and reprimand you.

gepard thinks youre a handful but whenever he interacts with you, he feels so fuzzy on his tummy and red becomes visible on his pale cheeks. he keeps wondering why you keep pulling small little pranks on him and only him. he asks serval for some advice and all she could do was laugh on how adorable you both are as she proceeds to give him some of her insights.

that was until the astral trio asked you questions on why even pull pranks on poor little captain. you kept dodging their questions but dan heng came to the conclusion that you like gepard a lot but you dont know how to tell him so you do small pranks that are enough for him to say something to you.

at the sudden conclusion of your friend, you fell silent and became flustered obviously annoyed that your secret was revealed. but its true and theres no denying it. march 7th keeps asking you question while trailbrazer was telling you what to do to confess. you sighed as you looked at dan heng’s apologetic face.

after a few days of your discussion with them, you decided it is best to avoid gepard at all costs. unironically, you bump into him almost all the time during your time in belobog. instead of interacting with him with your usually boastful sly front, he was met with a shy foxian gaze.

he asked you if you were alright since he hasnt seen you but after a long awful silence you were blunt enough to confess and say your feelings are too strong for him.

he was shocked but he agreed because he also admires you for your unique abilities and features and because he really really likes you. (literallh like a high school girl) he would ask you questions about your tail or ears or anything about spirits. he likes that he can look out for you physically and defend you while you protect him from bad and evil spirits.

he loves your slyness and your intuitive approaches in life. quite the opposite of him and it makes him love you a lot more. you both compliment each other and he respects you a lot and would often praise you for being you.

i feel like he is ticklish… tickle him with your tail and his laughter will erupt !!!! he’s ticklish in his armpits or hips. loves to lay on your tail if you allow it and would scratch your ears. you would get mad at him if he stops.

[thatdeadaquarius]

I love “blunt vs flowery” bc on one hand the people are like:

“Where is the context? The background for the words? I need a setting for the idea of this. What subtleties are you trying to convey? The layers? WHY ARE THESE WORDS NAKED?!”

Meanwhile we’re like:

“Damn, that’s a whole lot of nothing you’re saying, my guy.”

This of course is me trying to understand the flowery by theorizing that extra “fluff” is them “dressing” the core message with included context of the mindset, emotions, and overall giving a thematic dressing down of the situation.

In contrast, our words must feel like a naked gut-punch of immediate psychic damage.

YES YES, YOU, YOUUU GET IT!!!

IM SO GLAD THATS BEEN TRANSLATING (lol) THRU ALL MY BLUNT LANG POSTS!!

Modern language is in fact, a raw gut punch to these victorian-ass genshin ppl

Literally This:

Also thank you for sending that bc idk the way u described it?? *chefs kiss 🤌✨️

U know what i live for tho?? So they dont have to be "victorian" ik i say that, but i just use it as a way to like reference their speech/put smth recognizable

But IT WOULD BE SO FUNNY IF THEY ACTUALLY TOOK AFTER THAT TIME PERIOD, LIKE THE SPEECH AND THE BITS OF CULUTRE

Like shoulders being scandalous, modern music basically hella sensual/very genuine/vulnerable, etc.

Like- I LIVEEEE

I just wanna hear a sick drum beat in Sumeru and just start modern dancing and everyone's just like- 😳😳😳🙈🙈🙈💘💘💘❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥💖💖💖

Anyway, ive got too many other things i wanna talk abt/post abt to get into this now, but i might totally make it a passive AU for future requests :D!!

♡

Safe Travels Resident Cryptid,

💀♒️

[turbotasthick]

If you could say something to all TSAMS characters, what would you say?

BLOODMOON (old): bro if only you didnt fuck up and tease the living hell outta sun you couldve had a sick family whod help you and love you. they did you so fucking dirty like you actually had potential to be good with your LOVE FOR THE CALM when the bloodmoon was up, when you say nobody gets you my god you couldve been such a cool fucking brother for them.

BLOODMOON (new): You were fucked from birth when ruin made you. bro wasnt even give the coding to be able to change, to eat foods, and to just be a fucking dog for everyone despite you not admitting to it. you couldve sucked up your urges and you wouldnt have to be alone but no your coding fucked you up from the start and ended up alone in the end i pity you, bitch. rest in hell with your brother also bloodmoon i think youre fucking funny you couldve been such a cool character to be their brother bro if only your thick headed skull of yours could comprehend shit and not succumb to your blood and murder addiction

Sun: You should stop shaking and shivering in fear and do somefuck about your brother it pains me to see him get replaced like that- and fuck old moons back yet you dont have the backbone to stand up against him when he yells hits or berates you fucking do better sun smh

moon: do better youre slowly going back to your old ways bro like stop forcing sun to do shit he dosent want or yell at his face or be a bitch bro

nexus: respectfully go to therapy and do fucking better bro i cant believe youd do that to your family AND solar??? i know you broke down and are probably in some psychotic break holy shit (i pity you honestly) but fuck man its so rough seeing you struggle and isolate yourself like this- fuck even going as far as to lobotomizing yourself...i hate how hirt you are rn and i hate how youre also hurting people fucking shit

solar: God im glad youre back and shit but i feel pity for you- of course theyd put you right into work- of course youd drown yourself into your work..youre mourning your best friend i understand but please dont give up on him so fucking easily like how his family did- solar cmon man nexus loves you bro..dont kill him right away...

lunar: Ngl i used to really like you but now you just break my heart- idk when you said "nexus and i werent ever close" that fucked me up cause nexus did and tried everything to get close to you- he wanted to keep you safe helpef you in any troubles you might have and you just spit in the guy in the end- and not yo mention how you seem to push solar away as well-- dont tell me you arent close to him too after what solar does for you? you feel really cold lunar

eclipse: Eclipse, bestie please gtfo of puppets grasp you deserve to leave and live your life without a fucking burden on your hands bro- it must be annoying. Also i hope you make more friends.

earth: Wtf happened to your caring nature?

jack: my precious pomerianian puppy!!!! yourr so cool and awesome with your weapons and agility do you wanna play fight with me kiddo? i bet you cant beat me in a tussle!

dazzle: Hiiiii wanna go out to the markets and buy some banaynays and froot? we can bring jack with you honey :3

kill code: be a better father lol like goddamn and why didnt you fight for ur life when bm killed you? didnt you WANT to live a nice life? ffs kc

flare: Slay babe you did nothing wrong imo rest in heaven

[sadalmostlesbian]

Im here on my knees for the ask game to you talk abt Medical and Other Various Debts 😔🙏

AHHHH thank you so much! I'm so glad you liked that fic and I'm SO excited to talk about it!

My favorite scene

My favorite scene to write was honestly the scene between Sejanus and Marcus's little brother Donte. I think it's interesting to show how characters are perceived rather than explain, and so I really liked writing Donte's perception of his brother (ex. "Was he mean to you?" "Not really." "If he was he didn't mean to be"). I also just like writing dialogue with children involved because they are often very direct and makes me have to jump through less hoops to get characters to say what they mean.

I especially loved writing these lines:

Donte’s eyes widened, and he looked down at his feet which swung from the bleachers, just barely managing to graze the ground as they did so. “So do you have a boyfriend?”

“Not right now. I did.” Sejanus took in a breath, trying to find the right words to describe what he had gone through to a child. “But none of them were very nice to me, so I left.”

“Why would you want to date someone who isn’t nice to you in the first place?” asked Donte, visibly confused. 

“Because I didn’t know that they weren’t nice. People didn’t… like me very much when I was growing up. So anyone who wasn’t rude to my face, I thought they were nice. I thought that they liked me. And when nobody likes you, the thought that someone might is enough for you to endure a lot of stuff that you shouldn't have to.”

Donte nodded solemnly, and placed a hand over his own. “I like you.”

“Thank you,” said Sejanus, swallowing down the painful lump that had started to form in his throat. “I like you too.”

My favorite chapter

My favorite chapter is chapter three! That's when things finally start happening for these two in a more concrete sense, and there are a lot of aspects of that chapter that I adored writing.

Hardest scene to write

I would say the hardest scene for me two write was the scene at the beginning where Lyisitrata says this: “Patient was working on a construction site and grabbed hold of an exposed wire while suspended on a platform. Current between 45 and 55 mA caused involuntary muscle contraction, passed through patient’s right hand and grounded through both feet. Cardiac arrest treated on scene. Patient’s heart rate returned to normal after defibrillation during transport. Blood sample sent to lab, awaiting CBC. Patient attached to cardiac monitor and transferred to room 105B. IV administered for large volume fluid resuscitation. Will continue to monitor.” She paused, and looked back at him. “Is that good or do you need to hear it for a fifth time?”

There was... so much i had to research for this. I work in a hospital, so I had some of the terminology down, but I wanted to make sure it was all accurate, and I wanted him to have an injury that could realistically cause long term problems, and so I went down an electrical injury rabbit hole and ended up trying to convert milliamps to volts by hand before giving up and just using the milliamps measurement.

Favorite character to write in the fic

Definitely Marcus. I really like writing characters that are slow to open up, and I really liked developing his character from the first chapter, where he doesn't talk very much, to the fourth chapter where he is forced to confront his complicated feelings and explain them so he and Sejanus can both understand.

Favorite dynamic to write in the fic

It's an obvious one, but Sejanus and Marcus. I think that at first, they are an unlikely couple, but I really liked developing both characters and forming their relationship into something realistic. I think the thing that ties them together is the care they both have for one another, even after all the years they've been apart. I also liked writing their dynamic when they were little. Because of course when Sejanus is living in Salt Lake, his money doesn't matter, but when he's still in Denver, there is a distinct divide between him and Marcus in terms of economic status. I think Sejanus definitely internalized some of his father's opinions at that age, hence why this interaction happened:

Now it was Sejanus’s turn to laugh. “Nobody gets shot in Salt Lake City.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yeah I do,” he said, annoyed. He wasn’t as smart as Marcus, but he did know some things. And he knew Marcus wouldn’t understand why they were true. “You wouldn’t.”

Marcus sat up straighter. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I mean you see it all the time. You think it’s normal. My dad says it’s not.”

“I don’t think it’s normal,” said Marcus, voice quiet, almost hurt. His breathing quickened, either out of anger or sadness Sejanus could not tell. He reached out to take Marcus’s hand, a gesture he usually appreciated, but almost as soon as their fingers brushed against each other, Marcus jerked his hand away. 

“I don’t think it’s normal! My uncle died because he got shot! I don’t–” Marcus gasped and Sejanus could see tears forming in his eyes. Was Marcus crying? At first glance, it didn’t look like he was. He looked like he couldn’t breathe, like his lungs had been blocked off by some unknown force and he was now fighting for any semblance of air he could find. 

Why I chose that title

Well, first of all, Marcus is in severe medical debt and his admittance to the hospital Sejanus works at is the catalyst for their entire relationship. Also, he feels as though he is in debt to Sejanus for the way that he treats him, because initially he cannot treat Sejanus with the kindness he deserves. Hence, Medical and Other Various Debts

[ishika-star]

spoilers for ava 11

Ig im putting my thoughts in the most incoherent way possible

I got to watch it with my brother :D except i later found out that he knew NOTHING about ava (he only watched avm) so we went on ava binge watching. He’s favorite is…Chosen I think????? idk but that was fun

Moving on to the actual ep, the animation was soooo good. I know sooo surprising but seriously when i saw ava 1 reanimated my jaw dropped. It was just so cool seeing the video that kickstarted the entire series in the new 3D animation. And the little watercolor scenes xkjsianeidnsoendks

Mitsi was also awesome to see. I really don’t want to add on to the negativity but i was a little disappointed by her death (also by the lack of role for the shepred. Justice for Shepherd and Silly Steve). Not surprised (like what that one post said, ava and avm is NOT passing the bechdel test 💀), but still. But i’m really glad to see she wasn’t just there to kick off victims revenge and actually left a huge impact on victim and rocket corp as a whole. She was also the CEO which was awesome omg i’m so happy about that. I might draw some doodles of her in a suit and stuff bc wow. If she’s going to die I hope she get ayano tateyama-ed and continues to haunt the narrative ❤️

Also

PURPLE?????? I remember seeing the two lies one truth thing in the newsletter and when i read the purples origin part i was like “yeah right. They’re just trying to hype us up”. How wrong i was 💀and ofc Navy cannot be on screen without being a complete asshole. The entire website is being blown up by godlike figures and your ditching your family. wtf

Talking about godlike figures (awesome transition), Chosen!

(i totally have to redraw this scene bc this is fire pun intended)

The way i screamed when i saw that tco killed Mitsi omg that permanently changed my brain chemistry. And honestly this explains soooo much like why victim was beating him up, not TSC. I saw that a lot of people felt conflicted about TCO or trying to come up with ways to defend him and honestly, i don’t really get why? no offense of course, i understand how seeing your favorite as a murderer might change some things but for me, it didn’t really change my perspective on tco much. Like we knew he blew up websites and was kinda implied to have hurt a lot of people, now we just got to see it firsthand. I always thought of him as kinda morally gray anyways like. Even if you’re good now, if you literally spend the first years of your life free as a cyberterrorist your moral compass probably isn’t really that strong. Anyways i’m liking the more nuanced TCO who might not completely regret his actions, he might actually be becoming one of my faves now

(also their little high five bc that was cute. TDL is kinda back wooooo. Also TCO kinda hesitating?)

Me when the cycle starts cycling. Oughhhh i love the whole victim and abuser thing that’s going on here. Noogai turning TCO and victim into victims, then TCO becoming the oppressor and ruining victims life again after he finally moved on. And then victim with his kinda sorta victim complex and never moving on from his past. And now victim becomes the oppressor by torturing TCO like. It’s all coming full circle. I love how this series has consequences for everyone’s actions. Even the smallest details or events can snowball into something major. Honestly i dont even know if that was comprehensible but whatever. The Cycle™️ honorable mention of victim being stuck in the cycle of being creating, tortured, and dying for a year

On that note, victim was there for a year? That means that TCO and victim was on the same computer for a year and never noticed ig. victim was brought whenever noogai felt on it and only got to exist for a few minutes at a time (im guessing???) and TCO was stuck as an ad blocker so. I saw some people said that TCO might have been created after victim left but I like the thought that they lived on the computer at the same time. Also i saw someone say that this might be how TCO knew about the outernet wifi portal and i like that theory.

On a completely unrelated note, i was NOT expecting victim to be hallucinating cursors and might have PTSD(?????) (honestly idk i don’t know enough about ptsd to make the claim). And him moving on thanks to Mitsi was so sweet ❤️ actually the whole farm village was so nice man if it only stayed that way. Also honorable mentions of my new favorite background character (other than corn dog guy)

THE TINY ONE🔥🔥🔥 TUMBLR PLEASE STOP CROPPING MY SCREENSHOTS

IM TOTALLY DRAWING THIS LITTLE GUY AND TCO POSING THEY SHOULD BE BESTIES

AND

THIS. OMG THIS LITERALLY CHANGED MY PERSPECTIVE ON TCO JSNDOANSOWNSISNSK THE ANGEL OF DEATH ARE YOU KIDDING ME. MORE RELIGIOUS SYMBOLISM I LOVE RELIGIOUS SYMBOLISM AHHHHHHHHHHH

anyways i think those are my thoughts. I probably have more but this is what i remember. in conclusion: I am soooo normal about this ep. Yep i will totally not be talking about this for the next month straight

[discar]

HZD Terraforming Base-001 Text Communications Network

Chapter 13 | Prev chapter | Next chapter Chapter Index

HIMBO: Aloy, did you ever meet up with Talanah again?

Zo: Where did this come from?

HIMBO: Kotallo and I were talking about Carja in the Clan Lands. I assumed they'd be killed on sight, but he says they're not.

Marshall Kotallo: They are hardly welcomed, but as long as they do not cause trouble, most outsiders are allowed to walk free.

FlameHairSavior: Her life would still be easier if she stopped wearing her Carja armor.

Marshall Kotallo: Tenakth armor is complex, and her lack of tattoos would give her away.

FlameHairSavior: She doesn't have to dress like a Tenakth, but even Oseram armor would be better.

FlameHairSavior: Anyway, the thing with Talanah got a little... tricky.

FlameHairSavior: Turns out she was looking for an old love, who was looking for HIS old love.

FlameHairSavior: She was supposed to be dead, but wasn't.

ForgeLordAleMaster: WAIT, TALANAH FAKED HER DEATH?

FlameHairSavior: What? No, the other woman was supposed to be dead.

Marshall Kotallo: Did your friend kill her? Perhaps change her mind at the last moment and send her into exile instead?

Zo: That idea seems to have come to you far too quickly.

Marshall Kotallo: [ShiftyEyes.png]

Marshall Kotallo: I will admit, not all Tenakth stories are about hunting and besting your foes in combat. Sometimes there is romance.

Marshall Kotallo: Usually involving fighting machines together.

HIMBO: Huh. Kotallo, remind me to show you these “romance books” I found. I think you might like them.

Zo: They're the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.

ForgeLordAleMaster: [ForumWeaponLiteralSubjectChange.png]

ForgeLordAleMaster: WHY DID THIS WOMAN FAKE HER DEATH, ALOY?

FlameHairSavior: She didn't, she was pretending to be a man, and was serving in the Carja army. She was thought killed in an attack.

Marshall Kotallo: Why you people would cut off half of your population from serving in the military, I will never understand.

HIMBO: None of us are Carja.

Marshall Kotallo: Fair point.

FlameHairSavior: Anyway, she got captured, Fashav offered her a place as a soldier, she took it. She's been serving ever since.

FlameHairSavior:Then her fortress got captured and she got thrown into the prison.

HIMBO:But you cut through the enemy like dry grass, overthrowing an impregnable fortress by yourself.

ForgeLordAleMaster: AGAIN.

FlameHairSavior:  I had help! Talanah and her... whatever he is were there.

Zo: So Talanah's old love found his old love alive. Did they reignite their relationship? I am hardly an expert in Carja customs. What would be considered the right move in this situation?

FlameHairSavior: I have no idea what the Carja would normally do. The woman insisted she's Tenakth now and the Carja is dead. Talanah isn't sure how she feels about her old love any more. She's big on loyalty, so she might take him back, but I'm just not sure.

Marshall Kotallo: Varl, how would those romance books you found handle this?

HIMBO: I think about half wool have the protagonist pick the mysterious wandering heroine who arrived to help in the hour of greatest need.

ForgeLordAleMaster: HA!

Marshall Kotallo: And the other half?

HIMBO: The protagonist picks all of them. Everybody is happy.

ForgeLordAleMaster: ...DOES THAT WORK?

Zo: NO.

Marshall Kotallo: Sometimes.

ForgeLordAleMaster: HA!

β: im glad i dont have to worry about any of that

β: romance is weird and complicated and stupid

Zo: Don't be so sure.

Zo: Based on what I've read about your mother and observed about your sister, once you start going outside approximately ninety percent of the people you meet will fall in love with you.

Zo: I believe the term is “you'll have to beat them off with a stick.”

β: definitely never going outside then

FlameHairSavior: [ForumWeaponDisapprovalEye.png]

FlameHairSavior: Thanks, Zo.

Zo: ...oops.

Chapter 13 | Prev chapter | Next chapter Chapter Index

[danileepearce]

I share a plex server with some friends over where I live now and sometime ago someone requested and added Welcome To The NHK to the list of available shows on it. About a week ago i started to work my way through watching it and just tonight I finally finished it. I didn't really think to expect much from it, but it ended up a show, a world, a set of characters that im really glad i ended up spending my nights with.

Firstly, the show for a good handful of its duration is absolutely laugh out loud funny. I now understand in that way why it seems to have been at least a minor sensation in some corners of late 00s internet(i don't know exactly of the reach it had, but it was probably big). so many easily quotable/jokeable/memeable moments throughout, such a hilarious dissection of otaku culture and also really just like, early 20s life. satou is the most 22 years old any human being has ever been in their entire lives.

the show genuinely takes its sweet time really kind of slowly inching its true message on you; it front-loads itself heavily with its comedy and its stories about satou and yamazaki being complete ridiculous dumbasses over several episodes, with every episode ending with that insane ABABA BABA BA ODORU AKACHAN NINGEN song which, the lyrics are so well written and so relatable for 2006…i was only 11 when this first aired! ********************************************************************* [[MAJOR SPOILERS PAST THIS POINT, DONT READ IF YOU DONT WANT THEM, ALSO CONTENT WARNING FOR SENSITIVE SUBJECT MATTER]] *********************************************************************

but then you get to that point in the series where satou becomes This Close to committing suicide. its played off in a somewhat over-dramatic way and even that has humorous undertones to it, but the first true colors of the heart behind the show really begin to introduce themselves in a very visible way after that point. the end credits song changes to something a lot more grounded, and little by little from then on, the humor kind of falls away, the characters satou had to bounce off of in these ways depart from the main plot altogether (but they give satou and yamazaki that one last "snowball fight" lmao. how did those two never kiss) until its just him and misaki. i actually was stunned at how totally transformed the tone had become by the last few episodes.

When I finally got to the end, it was one of those endings….one of those resolutions….where i just kind of ended up going out for a night walk at 2 am, walking for almost an hour listening to music, and then sitting out on a lounge chair on my driveway staring up at the stars and just thinking.

The big lore reveal for misaki around the climax of the story made me realise just how much i had in common with her. Basically ever since i first became homeless, and honestly some time before that, I feel like i've basically just always dedicated myself to helping others as best as i can. i used to be pretty bad at it, but i was dedicated enough to making this a fundamental part of who i was it that it became a skill within myself i refined like a sharp blade over the years. i gave myself up to ppl completely, in more ways than one, often just to have a place to stay. to this day, i feel like i give so much to my friends. i try to give so much to whatever community i find myself in. because i think i too share a compulsion to give others the love and the kindness that i was never given when i most needed it. like misaki. i also have worried pretty heavily about if my usefulness would last to the people around me. ive also hinged my entire life purpose on that.

i dont think i have as tragic of a backstory as misaki's is framed to be, but my family life was in many ways as equally fractured as hers. my mom didn't kill herself, but it feels like she might as well have. she always seemed like there once was a human being there that just became completely consumed with hate, with christofascism, with this desire to have me constantly hurt and beaten by not just her but by just about every adult figure that graced my life for many years. my dad was just simply not present, and was consumed by this complete inability to ever have the relationship with me that i so badly needed from him growing up. at times he was an equal participant in the abuse. and additionally at times he was actually scarier and a lot more energetically violent. when satou is on the island and raises his voice and fist to misaki, her reaction was something i felt very deeply. it especially hit with the lore reveal.

additionally, i related to satou in a number of ways too. up until this year i had spent the last 9 years essentially living in this very open-wound self-exploitative way where i essentially kept no secrets and no part of me concealed from people until this spring, around my 29th birthday, and at some point in the following summer, everything just Slammed Shut on my fingers from the inside and has not reopened. i feel like ive radically transformed into being a much more private person. i hardly post anywhere on social media anymore and most times i just outright avoid it. ive unfollowed/disconnected from a lot of the ppl i knew in that time period. ive struggled lately with a very deep fear of the world and of nearly everybody in it, since many of the people i met after escaping home were also people that hurt me in pretty profound ways, both on and offline. i spend a lot of time just in my house, which i try to maintain as low of stimuli within as i can. sometimes i just lie down and i listen to music and get lost in a very deep currant of my own thoughts. sometimes i just spiral. i was spiraling pretty heavily over this last week especially. feeling like the world and everyone in it wants nothing to do but just hurt me. like ITS ALL A CONSPIRACY (OF COURSE! WHY DIDN'T I REALIZE THIS BEFORE!)to keep me always suffering and in pain.

And, like both characters, i have wanted to kill myself. many times over many years. sometimes for extremely silly and impulsive reasons like satou, sometimes for reasons based out of very real deep-seated trauma, fear, and a sense of never-ending heartbreak like misaki. the way she fixates on death and suicide leading up to her own attempts is something i've done more times than i can count. anyone who has known me for any length of time has learned this about me at some point. my most recent plan to do so was made at the end of july this year. its funny in that way how satou catches misaki before she falls, and how satou is caught by the chain link (lol) and misaki then helps him back onto the cliff. that to me very much analogues my friends catching me and me catching myself. maybe im also that chain link; where even in my most brazen and my most far-flung from a grounded feeling that a hard wall will always stop me short from going through with it. who knows!

and i mean, maybe a hikkikimori partially/subliminally fits my description as of present, but maybe without the negative connotations that seem to associate with that term. ive mostly become a lot more hermetic out of necessity. I've Lived So Much Life and a lot of life that no one should ever have to live, and i've finally arrived at a place of stability and support where i can finally just Withdraw from it all. i can live with a quietness and a control over my environment that i've essentially always longed for. i guess that ive lived the reverse life of satou; he seems very comically dedicated to Always Being A Hikkikimori and yet he ends up doing a lot of Living over the course of the series! and in the end it results in him kind of resurfacing properly into the world. thats what the series portrays as a happy ending but i'd like to think that my "reversed" version of that has a happy ending to it in itself. i can finally live how i feel i deserve to. i can finally find and feel my own happiness in the withdrawal from so many elements in my life that were hurting me, burning me, bruising me very terribly.

id like to think also that our overall attitudes towards ppl who quote-on-quote Don't Contribute To Society have vastly improved since 2006; on a few occasions the series seemed very mean spirited in a way that hasn't aged well. The brief focus on kobayashi's brother i thought was really touching though; seemed like a more sympathetic look at complete reclusiveness even though he too has another "happy ending" type resolution. some ppl are just most comfortable shut off and isolated from most things in the world, especially in a covid age.

but anyway, i really like that the way satou and misaki dedicate themselves to self preservation is a(nother) contract that basically binds them them both to stay alive together. neither one of them wants the other to die, so either they both have to or neither of them do. that's really cute and sweet. i think i would get a lot out of having that kind of agreement with someone. like really, the way that this series extrapolates upon what it means to live, what it means to keep going, is done in a way that is surprisingly very well handled and very affecting to someone like me. and i definitely am sure that im not alone in that. these subjects were always the series' secret weapon, they were always the CONSPIRACY. the series just wants us all to live, to take care of ourselves through everything as much as we can.

in all of this, im reminded of a memory of someone who long ago i used to talk to and message every day as an excited 16 year old who barely knew how to be an actual person and was only really just learning how to interact with people online. if memory serves, Welcome To The NHK was a series that was very close and dear to her at that time. i hope she's doing ok.

but yeah. i guess in its own strange way NHK has become one of my unexpectedly favorite anime of all time, something that is no secret to anyone who has reached this same sentiment about it. It was something that found me at the perfect place at the perfect time. i get it now. i feel like i now get so much. a lot of this feels written very messily and disorganized and complicated in my thinking and wording, but if you made it this far, thank you for reading. its been a minute since i felt this inspired to just write