#if i wanted moral support i wouldnt have been going to doctors alone since it was legal

[smolsaltypan]

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[captainjellyroll]

my first time at an ER.

i... wasnt exactly planning on posting this anywhere besides a quick story on my snapchat & instagram, since i wanted it to be deleted in 24 hours. it isnt anything too major to worry about, but after thinking it over for a while; i finally kinda know what i wanted to say.

im posting about this not to worry anyone, or get pity. i genuinely feel like this might help someone who might need it.

[[ tw; heavy suicide mentions, mental illness talk, hospital stuff. ]]

all of it is under the cut, including one picture i took of my hospital wristbands so y’all dont think im lying or smth. its a long storytime, but it has a moral, and i think its useful to those struggling with intrusive or suicidal thoughts. thank you!

let’s start with my mental illness.

i was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and ADHD almost 2 years ago. i was on medication, going to therapy, and feeling a lot better once i got help. everything was getting better, and i was happier.

until last year, when i moved.

my medical care was back in California, and they couldnt follow me to Minnesota. so, i was without medical help for almost a year. this past year has been a struggle on me mentally, and i relied on certain “drug dealers” to provide me with any leftover anti-depressants i could get my hands on. but, soon i ran out of resources and there was no where i could turn.

it took me months to get motivated and even attempt to get MN state insurance for medical care. yesterday i had my very first appointment in Minnesota to go get meds.

it is very very very bad to be off your meds for even a day, but i was off my meds for a year.

as soon as i finally sat down to talk to someone about getting me back on medication, i was very open about my mental health. i told the doctor about how recently ive been feeling unmotivated, low on energy, and...

how ive been suicidal.

she gave me this very shocked look; possibly because of the way i dress very upbeat and how i am in person. but, she listened and asked me more about my recent suicidal tendencies.

i told her how this was all very recent, and that it was usually very spur of the moment. i could be overwhelmed, glance at a bottle of pills, and a voice in my head would say “you know, you could take all of those right now and it would be painless.” or i could just be walking my dog, and an intrusive memory would attack me, then a voice in my head would tell me "just be a little more careless with crossing the road this time”.

she asked me “how often does this happen?” and i answered “almost daily.”

she nodded and frowned at me, then proceeded to go get another doctor. it took a while, but when i was left alone my eyes started to water but i told myself not to cry. she finally came back and told me if i wanted to go to the ER.

i was very confused, and i asked why i would need to go. and she simply explained that she didnt want to send me home with new medication, and make a bad decision when im alone with those pills.

and then i started to cry.

deep down, i knew i wouldnt actually follow through, because i knew i was finally getting help. but, in the moment, i was very doubtful of my capabilities and own strength. i was very concerned about myself, and i kept on telling her “i dont know” and how ive never been to and ER before. when im in pain, im too scared to even call an ambulance because putting a dramatic situation on someone as little as me seemed silly to me. but, the doctor was very convincing. she even said i might have to stay overnight, which scared the heck outta me.

she recommended i go via ambulance, but Katie ended up taking me instead. they were very strict that Katie take me straight to the hospital-- no detours.

i was shaking the entire ride there, but we finally arrived and we checked in. they did not hesitate to tag me with wristbands. i had to tell several officials that i was there because the previous doctor i saw told me to come to the ER due to “suicidal tendencies”.

every new person i saw asked me the same exact questions and sent me from one scary room to the next. i got my blood pressure checked no less than 3 times, and i signed a couple things along the way. until i ended up in a room with a bed, a couple chairs, a TV, and scrubs to change into.

i somehow ended up in a hospital patient room.

i changed into the hospital scrubs, and they took away my belongings to sanitarily seal them, and then locked them up in a safe along with my cell-phone.

i was quarantined as an actual patient.

katie eventually came to join me, having her belongings taken away from her as well, and she was tagged with a bright orange “visitor” badge.

i was very shaken and scared, and i didnt know i was going to get to this point. katie was confused, but very supportive and comforted me the entire time.

we saw several nurses and staff members, who interviewed us and checked up on me. there was a very long wait until we finally saw the social worker that my doctor told me to talk to, but in the meantime i just talked with katie to clear my head and feel a little better. (i was resting my head on her lap, but then a security guard came in and told us we were not allowed to do that, which sucked.)

at this point, after waiting for so long and going through this entire process to talk to someone of importance-- i felt much calmer and i was all out of tears. i was more clear-headed, and after talking with katie and experiencing what the ER was like, i realized...

i dont need to be here.

the social worker finally arrived, and we talked about why i was there. it didnt take that much effort to explain the situation and get things straightened out. she was very understanding, and she called the doctor that sent me here and she got me on new medication!

from checking into the first clinic, to being checked into a hospital 5 hours later- i finally got my anti-depressants. it wasnt that necessary to get me into hospital scrubs and quarantine me, but... here’s where the lesson comes in.

i know now what i should do if i get too suicidal.

i didnt know what would happen if i went to the ER, i didnt know what even happens at the ER. i didnt know you could check yourself in, or that mental health stuff such as suicidal tendencies would be allowed at the ER.

once you walk in, and tell the front desk that you are having suicidal tendencies-

they will not hesitate to tag you and send you somewhere safe. as soon as i said “suicidal” they printed off a name-tag and the lady smiled and said “i’m glad you didnt do it and decided to get help.” and immediately sent me off into the maze that is the ER.

i dont know if the experience is different based off your insurance, but i applied for the Minnesota state insurance for low-income people through MNsure, and everything mental health related was free. i didnt pay for visits, i didnt pay copay, i didnt pay for meds- the only thing that was paid was parking for katie’s car at the hospital.

but yea, it was a crazy, wild ride, and at the end of the day im glad i got to experience it. some people might say it was a waste of time, or a misunderstanding, or unnecessary-

but im glad it happened, because i know what to expect if i do ever feel suicidal.

and, i hope someone who is reading this knows what to expect too. i know its easier said than done, but honestly-- there is more help out there than you think.

if you are ever feeling suicidal, go to the nearest ER. they want to help you, and they will get you somewhere safe. they’ll work out the details later, but if you need help ASAP, they will provide it for you, no matter what. at least, thats what i think happens. i hope thats true...

anyways, thank you for reading this incredibly long and personal story, and i hope you learned something like i did.

i am on new anti-depressants now, and dont worry- i wont overdose on them.

thank you everyone who gave me kind wishes, and im sorry for the scare. i wasnt trying to worry anybody.

i’ll keep on fighting. 💕💕💕

[isaacathom]

to top it off, why did Jun take Seren

the issue is why he would do that. the only way it works is if the group in the base were woefully uninformed and didnt know how many people had come. after all, as far as the grunts know, there were only two people - Seren and Elliot. and if elliot ran off, then its just Seren. especially since the team knows that the organisation will NOT arrive until they’re sure most of the team is off premises, as part of The Scheme. so if Jun wholeheartedly believes that its likely to take an hour or so for everyone to get out, and therefore MORE than an hour for help to arrive for Seren (this also assuming Elliot is a total fucking coward, which he is), he wouldnt be able to leave her behind. but he also cant adminster quick help because, yknow, he’s gotta fucking flee. if hes caught, its all over for him and his family. it ruins everything. he hates being in the Team, but the least he can do is not be caught doing that, so he can keep providing for his family, yknow.

so then, whats he to do? he doesnt want to leave her there, in case it takes ages OR if they dont even find her (still assuming Elliot is a coward, which the Team either already knew in general or Jun is assuming based on his prior behaviour), that’s something that will weigh on him. if he turns on the news in a few days time and finds out a body was discovered in the Team base or that this girl has gone missing, it will fucking shatter him. he’s fairly confident shes not THAT badly injured, but its less that he thinks she’ll die there and more that he’s concerned she’ll wake up alone and get lost trying to get home, lost to the sandy dunes. thats terrifying. thats terrifying for a man whose moral code is to help everyone he can (which makes him being in the Team an ethical nightmare for him and he honestly hates it with all his being)

so, he takes Seren. it was his only choice, based on what he knew. had he knows that Elliot would change his mind less than half an hour later and return, he wouldve probably just fixed her position and then left her there. but he didnt. it probably turned out for the best on the whole, since, if nothing else, it lead to her having a loving family again, which she wouldve been hard pressed to find otherwise. especially with Seren promptly falling out with Elliot once she comes to. lose that entire support network. just her, on her own. so even if Jun has any regrets about taking her, she allays them frequently.

that works. then he has to like, actually leave. he’s the last one out of the building, since he’s helping seal some doors. and he’s the one who radios in with something that sounds rather innocuous. ‘yea [CEO], i got home safe after tonight’ done. [CEO] sends in the org. the clean up crew is in. but he also has to actually get home. bearing in mind the base he was working out is out in the north western desert, and he lives in like, the centre east. what sorta flying pokemon does he need to have for something like that. fuck. uh.... thats actually a good question. like its gotta be big enough to carry two people (of rooouuuughly equal mass. roughly. he probably weighs a little more but in terms of general size Seren IS taller than him). and in a stable way. im thinking.... salamence or a togekiss? togekiss arent super small, i dont see why it couldnt carry them back east. a salamence definitely could but WOULD a doctor have a salamence. at least togekiss makes thematic sense. Jun is basically the fairy/psychic specialist in the Team, lmao. you could also have pelipper but thatd also be kinda weird. i like togekiss.

thatd be a long fucking flight home, though. i mean, fuck. theyd probably need to stop on the way. itd look pretty weird too, if anyone saw. the implication is noone saw them - if they had, the investigation into serens disappearance wouldnt have stalled. they probably stuck to the north, which is fairly rural and kept low. stop a few times, warm everyone up, check to make sure the girl is ok and maybe do the basic first aid now. though the idea is he actually does that just before he calls in. then its just checking shes alright from there.

he probably doesnt get home till like 5, which is after Elliot gets home as well. possibly even longer, since the idea of the east of the region being p rural comes from the mountains being Big Ol Fucks. and theres only three routes through them - the first is to go over them, which requires going really high, which not everyone is capable of doing (for a variety of reasons). the second is to go through them, like, through the caves, which isnt an option for Jun. and the third is to go around. if Jun comes from the north, he can POSSIBLY go around from the north end where there are some lower routes. so like. late ass morning. buddy better hope he doesnt have work that day. gets home late, scaring the absolute fuck out of Bronwyn, who is sleeping restlessly because she knows Jun is ‘at work’ and its later than normal. so he arrives home and she jolts out of bed and edges downstairs (trying not to wake Lyndelle, which is actually probably successful) and then sees her husband coming in the back door with a teenage girl in his arms and its like ‘honey what the actual fuck’

thatd be awkward. ‘listen honey i can explain but first i should make her comfortable so she can rest’ ‘...... alright, let me help’ *a few charged minutes later as they close the door to the spare bedroom* ‘alright Jun what the fuck is going on. why are you home so late’ ‘Bron i wouldve thought that was kiiiinda obvious’ ‘Jun’ ‘ok, so the girl and an older man raided the base, and some grunts roughed them up. the man fled, and the grunts knocked her out. i didnt wanna leave her behind in case the man didnt come back, sooo.....’ ‘jun if they find out we have her youre fucked’ ‘......fuck’ ‘i wish you would think these things through’ ‘listen Bron, we’ll just look after her for a day or two, just make sure she’s alright. see if anything pops up in the news. we’ll work from there’ ‘you mean we’ll send her home, right?’ ‘probably? i dont know. it depends what happens.’ ‘You’re a worry. were you seen?’ ‘i dont think so.’ ‘alright.’ and then idk, they probably go to bed. Jun’s guilty. Bronwyns kinda pissed. Lyndelle, at this blissful stage, has absolutely no idea whats happening. she doesnt find out until she gets home from school the next day and sees Seren through the open door and immediately gets spooked. wouldnt you be? fuck. though she probably gets a slight tip off when she wakes up that morning and is like ‘wheres dad?’ ‘still in bed, dear - he had to stay late at work’ ‘oh, ok’ bearing in mind even at this early stage she VAGUELY knows Jun is in the Team. of course then she hears all about the hot news at school and its like ‘hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm right’. so shes vaguely prepared for ominous shit at home but NOT for a girl her age sitting quietly in her spare bedroom reading the paper. i mean, the fucks up with that, yknow.

i had like 3 breaks in the time it took to write this but i guess the tl;dr Jun was unaware there were other people inside the base and believed Elliot had completely fled, and thus felt obligated to help Seren. WITH the end goal of helping her get better in a few days and then sending her back home with some sort of note that wouldnt be identifiable but would explain the story. of course we know it doesnt go that way and they basically end up adopting her as Rhia Stanton, but, yknow, its the thought that counts