#you know....stuff self portraits talk about

[raphaelderberry]

so this is probably my best digital painting yet!

reference image is from here (x) I have no rights to it and make no money from this.

[miintsprigz]

Mercs x GN! reader who drew them (ALL NINE!)

This goes out to everyone, not just my artists.

But yes, all my fic material is extremely self-serving.

Big thank you to a dear friend of mine for helping me with mercs like Pyro, Engie, Sniper, and Medic when I got stuck.

VERY LONG POST INCOMING

Scout

• Well, he IS an artist himself, that’s probably how the two of you first started talking.

• Ran past one day, only to immediately throw it in reverse and go “hey whoa whoa whoa when were you gonna tell me you could draw?!”

•Naturally…it was only a matter of time.

•He was always so encouraging about your stuff, so…after working up the guts, you showed him.

• “Yo wait a sec…you drew me??? I…” For once in his life, he’s at a loss for words. He’s never been drawn—not even a self-portrait. For as cocky as he seems…well…

•He just…stares for a second. Marveling. Is that…really what I look like?

• “Do you like it?” “Abso-friggin-lutely, (Y/N)!!! You kiddin’? I don’t even look that beautiful in real life! And ya know, that’s sayin’ somethin!”

•You laugh, and he pulls you in so fast to hug you that you weren’t even ready. “But seriously…thank you. I’ve uh…I’ve never been drawn before. You did amazing. …you know I gotta draw you now, right?”

•And he does. He’s a complete perfectionist about it—he feels like he can’t replicate you, you’re one of a kind. (He actually does very well! But he’s so shy showing it to you…d’aww.)

Pyro

•Pyro was more of a doodler than anything. They loved color. And of course, you could resonate with that.

•Sometimes you’d draw designs and let them color it in. They giggled all the while…they just adored how creative you were.

•Being the most secretive about their appearance, they’re hard to nail down…even for you. Pyro is most themself in their full gear. You, out of everyone, know that best.

•So you took a…different approach. Abstraction.

•Their hands, the ones that so often seemed to be magnetically drawn to you.

•Their back, the strong shoulders when they just felt content to sit in the quiet with you.

•The brief glimpses you’d caught of their face—split second instances in shadows—those were easy, yet challenging. Their brief sightings made them easy to be abstract about, and yet, it made them harder to actually nail down.

•Conjuring a rather fittingly smoky composition, it had a dreamlike feel to it. Pure Pyro.

•You were only a bit hesitant to show them, but when they did see…they surprised you a bit.

•You could see them straighten up a bit…surprised. They craned their neck a bit, looking closer, gently curling their fingers over yours to hold the snapshot-like portraits with you.

• “Hmmm…” There was a sort of…tranquility to them. So unlike your little sparky fella.

• “Do you like them?” Immediately, the edge of their mask bumped against your forehead—your own personal way of kissing. That was all the answer you needed.

•They couldn’t verbalize it, but…seeing beauty in images of themself. The same beauty they saw all around them…it made them see themself in a way they never had before.

•And of course, it made them fall even deeper in love with you, the one who cared for them so much that they took the time to look so deeply.

Heavy

•Heavy is a very intelligent man, but he’s never had much gift for creative work. Even his insults were kind of just the same thing repeated, when the other mercs made it an art form.

•So he couldn’t help but be enraptured by your artistic endeavors and how much work you put into them.

•He loved to see you covered in your medium of choice, your passion for it. Made him lovesick. How lovely you were doing what you loved.

•If he could paint, he would have wanted to paint that. So he could look at it forever.

•So of course, imagine his delight when you decided to draw him!

• That roaring laugh you so enjoyed boomed immediately, just elated.

•“Ohhhh…look at that! You captured me perfectly! Beautiful!” You couldn’t help but beam with pride.

•“Can Heavy keep this?” “Of course you can, hon.” This warranted a sudden barrage of kisses to your face, which cracked you up of course.

•“Very happy to have such talented artist as yourself to love. But to me? You are most beautiful. In all the world.” Despite being more eloquent in his native language, Heavy could still get you to turn red. “Oh gosh…” “Is true!���

Demoman

•Tavish had always been a pretty sentimental fellow. He really did enjoy artwork, but didn’t talk about it much.

•Once he discovered that you were an artist, he was over the moon. Finally, he felt, he could talk to someone about art without them possibly poking fun.

•He’d never go in your sketchbook unless you allowed him to, but he always looked with such admiration in his eyes. “That’s bloody brilliant. So long as ya luv it, never stop doin’ this. Cuz I’ll never stop lookin.”

•One day, you told him you had a surprise for it. “I dunno if I like surprises…” “Oh trust me, Demo,” you chirped, “I think you’ll like this one.”

•As you held up the finished product, his mouth went agape. Almost instantly, he began to smile.

•“Well aren’t you just the sweetest!! That’s me there???” “Yes, love. I uh, I hope that you like it.” His gaze shifted over to you, and you could see his eye had grown somewhat misty.

•Demo was at a loss for words. He had never thought of himself as particularly good-looking, certainly not good enough to be drawn. And yet. You had drawn him. Drawn him very well. And he liked how he looked. Was that how you saw him?

•“Aw, Tav…you okay??” He blinked quick, trying to keep composed.“Never better…c’mere, you…”

•Wrapping his arms around you, he gave you a kiss, just about taking your breath away.

•“My little artist…ya made me look so good.” You caught him rubbing his eye a bit. “I just drew what I saw.” “Well, ya see a work of art in me. And that? That’s the best surprise of all.”

Engineer

•With how much designing went into his machines, Dell could always appreciate the skills of an artist. So when he learned that you were one, well, that only sweetened an already sweet deal.

•You were a little self-conscious at first about him watching you work. You tended to just work parallel to one another, both lost in your own stuff.

•You’d sometimes stop what you were doing to follow his hands as he put the pieces together, fingers wandering as they looked for the correct tool.

•When the inverse happened though—when Engie watched you work—he admired your spontaneity. You could start off with a total wild card and somehow managed to pull it all together and make it work, in a way he never could have come up with.

•Being rather rigid in his own trade, that was something Dell couldn’t help but be dazzled by. Very smart man for sure, but rather by-the-book. Not like you. He saw genius in the way your mind worked.

•So, one day, as the two of you perused each other’s handiwork a bit, you shyly revealed the piece you’d made of him—hard at work on an updated sentry model.

•His lips parted a little like he was about to say something, but nothing came out.

•“I know it’s a little rocky…I’m not the best at drawing machinery.” Gently, he took ahold of the sketchbook and gave it a soft tug, nonverbally asking for permission to hold it. You let him.

•As he looked closer, a warm smile crept across his face. “Well, well…wouldja look at that. That’s me alright.” He chuckled heartily, but you realized it was from admiration, not amusement.

•“Look at you, (Y/N)! Saw me all covered in dirt an’ said ‘yeah, I can make art from that’. I love it…shucks, darlin’, I can hardly get my eyes off of it.”

•He looked back at you, still all aglow, only to find you blushing to the point of near luminescence. “Aw, c’mon now honey…no need to be all shy. You’re incredible, ya know that?”

•An arm slunk around your shoulders, pulling you fast to his side, quickly pecking the top of your head. “I love it, and I love you.”

Soldier

•Soldier was a brave man, that he was confident in. But even he was self-aware enough to realize he wasn’t the sharpest.

•Anything he’d ever drawn looked like kids’ stuff, so to see what you could make? It blew his mind.

•Jane tried not to stare while you drew—you’d gotten all nervous when you’d caught him, and he was trying to be courteous—but he couldn’t deny how it captivated him.

•“Whatcha workin’ on now?” “I’m drawing those two goofs.” You motioned to the Spy and Scout bickering as they often did. “Why them, of all things?” “I just like capturing the moment sometimes.”

•One day, as you sat while he drilled the rest of the team, you started to do just that. You found it hard not to chuckle just a little as the others groaned and rolled their eyes.

•Sure, you got their annoyance, but you couldn’t help but be pulled in by Jane’s excitement and hot-bloodedness.

•“Seemed pretty lost in your work there, or I woulda asked you to join in.” A strong hand ruffling your hair snapped you out of your daze. “Capturing the moment again?”

•“Uh-huh. I think this is my best one yet.” You turned the book around to show him, and you saw his lips part slightly in surprise before he suddenly laughed. “Haha! Look at that! It’s me!”

•You laughed with him, just happy to see him so tickled by it. “I think I really captured you.” “I’d say so, kid! I’d say so…wow.” The amusement gave way to what you realized was…almost awe.

•“I look…strong. Proud.” “Yep.” “…I look good.” “Of course you do.” He nudged his helmet down a bit with his hand, chuckling to himself. From what little bit of his face you saw…was he blushing?

•Imitating him playfully—it was something you two tended to do, he found it cute—you joked, in your best impression of him, “‘Are you going soft on me, maggot??? You’re red as a tomato!’” “Noooo…oh, (Y/N), what am I gonna do with you?”

•He caught the side of your face softly and pecked you on the cheek. “But…really. Thank you, sweetheart. I think that’s my favorite thing you’ve ever made.”

Sniper

•Truthfully, Mick had never given a lot of thought to the arts before he’d met you. What really caught his eye was the amount of time you put into it.

•Sniper knew better than anyone that holding still, completely focused on your task, being all but absorbed in it…that was respectable.

•The fact that he could leave for work and come back to find you in the same spot? It was just very attractive to him.

•You stopped by to watch him sometimes, very discreetly, on less busy days, although he wouldn’t lie, it got him nervous. He trusted in his own skills plenty, but…you weren’t just anyone. He couldn’t have you getting hurt.

•So one day, as he finally wrapped up, he saw you, still hard at work. He didn’t want to interrupt you, but if it was time to go, he wanted to go. Giving you a light pat on the shoulder, he chuckled. “Almost done there, darlin? Quittin’ time.”

•“Just a bit more…there. Perfect. Check it out.” You held up what you’d been working on: a full sketch of him invested in his own work.

•It took him a moment to process what he was seeing, but once he did, he couldn’t help but be amazed. Slightly slack-jawed, he looked up at you, the faintest trace of a smile.

•“Never considered myself the modelin’ type, ‘specially not out here, but…wow. Ya really did it. And I look bloody good, too!” “Well duh!” “Oh, stop—” Oh, that got him. The Aussie was surprisingly easy to fluster once he’d fully grown comfortable, and you loved it.

•“Awww, are you blushing?” “Just a little…now c’mon.” Taking your hand, he helped you up, quickly hugging you around the shoulders, catching you somewhat off-guard.

•“But really. Great job there. Thanks…it’s an honor, ya know that? To be drawn by you?” “Gosh—” “Heh, now you’re the one goin’ all red.” “Oh, stop—”

Medic

•The good(?) doctor first learned of your artistic prowess when he caught you trying to draw the charts he had on his wall. “Ooh! Very impressive.”

•Medic could do a lot of things, but drawing wasn’t really one of them. He couldn’t resist watching you work, even though he knew it was a bit touchy.

•“Poetry in motion, Liebe. Really.” Simp. “Oh, come on—” “I mean it! You have such precision, such grace…it’s a sight to behold!”

•So of course, when you were working on something that you absolutely would not let him look at, he wanted to see even more.

•“I promise that whatever it is, I will find it as beautiful as you!” “It’s not that, silly—it’s supposed to be a surprise!” He seemed almost sulky about it…it was kind of cute, although you did feel a bit bad.

•Eventually though, it was done—him, with Archimedes on his shoulder. “Okay, honey, you can look now.”

•One hand comes up over his mouth, audibly gasping. “Is that…? It is!!! Haha!”

•You had never seen him this happy, and you couldn’t help but smile. “You’ve really outdone yourself this time, (Y/N)! Look at that…and Archimedes too!”

•Perhaps unsurprisingly, he brings the bird out to show him too. It’s hard to gauge the response from a dove, but the tranquil cooing seems to suggest that he enjoys it.

•The doctor catches you off-guard as he sweeps you into a kiss. “Oh…danke, Schatz (treasure). May I keep this?” “Of course~”

•Best believe this man is showing your art off to EVERYONE who he treats, going on and on about what an incredible artist and person you are.

Spy

•This guy is a man of culture, he can appreciate good art. And good artists, wink.

•But in all seriousness, your attention to detail was incredibly attractive to him. After you’d been together for a while, the two of you would sit in his smoking room and relax together once the work day was over.

•Sometimes he’d be off to the side just doing his own thing, reading, but other times he’d actually sit beside you and watch. There was an intimacy to it, one you took time to grow fully comfortable with, but he was patient.

•So when you were very secretive one night, it caught his attention. Nothing slipped past him—not even you. You sensed him behind you surprisingly quickly though, and quickly closed the project up.

•“Shy tonight, are we? So unlike you, mon bijou (my jewel)…” “Hehe…be patient, babe, it’s not done yet.”

•His arms wrapped around you from behind briefly…gosh, it was difficult to keep anything secret from this man. “Very well. Keep your secrets…for now.”

•But he respected that you didn’t want him to see it just yet, and so he waited.

•“…Okay, you can look now.” In an instant, he was behind you again. It was hard to even look up at the guy right now, but once you did…there was this sense of wonder in his face that you hadn’t seen before.

•It wasn’t often that Spy looked at himself unmasked for longer than a few seconds—he’d almost forgotten his own face by now. For spies, he reasoned, it was better that way. But the way you had captured every detail of him…

•“Oh, what a handsome devil…wonder who that could be…” Was he trying to brush off his own flustering? Maybe a little.

•You couldn’t help but giggle as he almost hurriedly sat down next to you, quickly drawing you in close as he continued to look. Almost entranced.

•That element of intimacy I mentioned before? It was his turn to feel it now. Not even in a physical way, which is what this Casanova is so used to.

•No, the fact that you had clearly just…looked at his face, so intently. There was something raw and vulnerable to it. And as much as he wanted to look at it even more, his eyes were magnetically drawn to you.

•“I wouldn’t have ever asked it of you, but…I always wondered what it would look like if you drew me. I…”

•Glancing back down, he found that he couldn’t even come up with anything to say. The act of love had rendered him speechless. YOU BROKE HIM OH MY GOSH/j

•“…Do you like it?” Before you could say anything else, you were swiftly kissed, and I mean kissed.

•Spy always looked at you with a sort of passion, but this was different. He had never felt so much love for someone. Felt like a young, hopeless romantic boy all over again.

•“I adore it…and most of all, I adore you, mon cœur (my heart).”

AAAAND IM DONE. WHEW. That was fun!

[ohimsummer]

SATORU, your muse ｡˚✐~

— Satoru eases open the door of the house. You’re not home, so he doesn’t feel the need to make his usual grand entrance. Shoes are left at the door, jacket on the rack, and Satoru makes way to the bedroom. Once inside, something on your nightstand immediately catches his eye.

It’s your sketchbook; a now worn, leather notepad that he’d bought you months ago after the old one was filled. You rarely, if ever, let him see your artwork, so Gojo would usually resort to peeking over your shoulder to catch a glimpse of what you were working on. He always teased you for keeping your art a secret, but now that he has a chance to look at your projects uninterrupted, he hesitates. For a second.

Satoru flips open to the first page. It’s just random doodles of flowers and animals, ones he recognizes from the garden in the park you two frequent. The next page warrants the same mundane results: bugs and trees and the tops of skyscrapers and whatever random things that would grab your interest while you two enjoyed the heat of the sun.

The next page catches Gojo by surprise. It’s a bird, but not just any bird, he realizes. It’s a songbird, one he’d half-heartedly pointed out to you one day because he recalled reading about it online. You weren’t even listening to him, or so he’d thought. It’s kind of endearing actually that you’d take the time to draw it. And it’s not just the bird, either. It’s the macaroons he’d mentioned wanting to get one evening, a bouquet consisting of a flower Gojo’d randomly plucked and presented to you, a familiar pair of sunglasses resting in grass, dabbed over top with faded blue watercolor paint. Numerous doodles of such small memories.

Satoru continues flipping to look at your little illustrated photo album. Some of these drawings are of stuff he barely remembers talking about, like a cracked open piggy bank obviously referencing a story he told you in passing. Gojo doesn’t even remember why he brought it up, but you’ve immortalized it here in your sketchpad with pencils and ink.

The drawings only grow more detailed as he gets deeper into the book, and a proud smile stretches across Satoru’s face at your talent. Rapid sketches of buildings and passerby evolve into self portraits of yourself, and he thinks you look so captivating in all of them. Gojo takes note of the silly doodles of even himself in the margins of the paper. Him in his sunglasses, him wearing the flower crown you’d poorly put together, him surrounded by ice cream and candy and the plethora of sweets he so enjoys. His favorites are the inane drawings of you two together, tiny and inhabiting multiple corners of every page. Each one is a delightful surprise to spot.

Satoru turns the next page, and he’s sincerely taken aback. Drawings of eyes, and they all look alike. They’re so detailed, adorned with pretty lashes and shaded so beautifully. He doesn’t have to wonder long on whose eyes these are, the next page bursting with the color blue tells Gojo all he needs to know. He’s glad you’re not here to see his reddening face and the way his breath hitched. This page, the next few actually, are all dedicated to his eyes. They’re inked perfectly, some are at different angles, and you’ve managed to portray emotion into all of them. Satoru wonders if he could draw a picture of you and showcase the absolute adoration in your eyes the way you’ve done with his.

And it doesn’t stop there. Page after page, it’s all Satoru. Him sleeping with a mushed cheek against your chest, him drinking a soda, him looking out the window, him playing the game with Geto, when did you even draw these?

“Satoru?”

He quickly slams the book shut at your call, carefully placing it back on your nightstand and ushering himself from the room. There you are at the door, shaking the rain from your umbrella and leaving it on the mat near the entrance.

“There you are, love.,” you beam at his approaching figure, and Gojo squishes you in a warm embrace. “How was your day?”

Satoru kisses the crown of your head, and grins against your skin. He can’t wait to tell you all about today, maybe give you some more brilliant ideas to memorialize in your sketchbook.

[thesuperiorrobin]

❥ Love language

༯ quality time:

Damian has been alone for most of his life.

So he’s such a sucker for spending his free time with you.

Need help with school work? Damian putting his aside and rushes over to help you because he knows the lesson all to well.

Most of the time he’s busy so his time with you is very limited.

Been gone for weeks and the only time he’s free is training in the bat cave? He called you up so you can come over and watch it.

You two walk Titus together. Sometimes in silence or sometimes steering up conversations. It’s one of your guys favorite activities together

Second favorite (if your long in the relationship or are married) is bathing together. Nothing sexual or anything. Just you two together—washing each others hair as a simple gesture.

Loves baking with you. Baking new recipes with the help of Alfred sometimes.

Brushes your hair for you/ washes your hair for you during wash days.

Sometimes you two don’t have to be doing anything

Your presence alone puts him at ease.

༯ physical touch:

Damian’s physical touch comes from the lack that he never got growing up.

He’s also someone’s who isn’t really good at showing emotions but his physical touch makes up for it.

He didn’t understand it at first and thought that it was probably just something you just enjoyed (truth he enjoys it more then you)

He craves for your physical touch.

Please hug him, grab his hand, cuddle him, hold him in your arms. He craves it.

Had a shitty day at work/patrol? Your arms are open as soon as he gets home and doesn’t waste time in getting in your arms. Sleeping away the pissy and sour mood he’s been in

First time you hugged him, he didn’t really understood what was happening.

This feels nice he thinks and doesn’t let go until you do

Only in private, however in public you two are seen holding hands or pinkies

When he does it the feeling last forever.

Feeling down? He’ll rub your back in silence until your feeling a little better then before. A way of telling you that he right there if you need anyone to talk to

Exited about good news? He’s the first one to have his arms open waiting for a hug, Arms securely around your waist/back, swaying the both of you side to side. It’s the same if you’ve been having a shitty day

Overall just loves having you in his arms

Head over heels if it’s the other way around

༯ gift giving:

Damian is very crafty when it comes to art.

It’s also very obvious bc he’s an artsy person and can make stuff with his hands without struggling

He’ll make portraits of you and gives them to you.

Having a piece he made in your room for an anniversary. Still sitting above your bed till this day.

Loves making you paper flowers. Not the kind you make in kindergarten for Mother’s Day but the kind that should be but In a museum

When these flowers die that means my love for you has faded, he says you knowing that the flowers are fake and will never die. It’s cheesy but really cute.

But over time his gift are less self made and more bought later on in the relationship (when you two get married)

He will gift give you expensive jewelry. He has money. And tons of it it won’t effect him at all

Buys you matching sets so you two can match.

Take them. I got them especially designed to fit your taste love. Shame really because they look so good on you that you have to wear them.

Idk there’s just something about you wearing his initials around you finger on a metal ring that makes him go crazy sometimes.

[sergle]

People are failing to realize that clothing, and cameras for that matter, can be fairly deceptive. I don't wanna say deceptive because it carries a certain connotation, but I hope you'll know what I mean. I look fairly "thin/avg" with a shirt on, but without it it's rolls and folds lol

Furthermore, it's wild to assume someone who's pretty passionate about accurate plus-size rep would be stick thin. Maybe their metric of "average" is skewed or something, but it's still weird to just show up in a strangers Asks and assume things about them and their bodies.

sorry for answering an ask about this like 4 days later but I'M STILL THINKING ABOUT THIS... this person is talking about these asks btw.

FIRST OF ALL, thank you so much for the ask, it really is good to know that other ppl are aware of the Covering Of Fat With Clothing. Like. hi. my body is obscured. people are just noticing my torso for the first time bc there isn't 5lbs of breast tissue hanging off of it. SECOND OF ALL. This is still making me insane. I am still thinking about it so I'm gonna completely just do a brick of text to talk about it. Like, there's the first part of this, right? The fact that, all of these people who were sending asks like these, are the same people who came to my account because they liked the body positivity stuff or they related to the proportions of the girls I draw, right? And yet somehow managed to miss that ALL OF MY ART IS ME. So you're relating to MY body, AGREEING that this is plus sized art, then turning towards moi and saying, okay but you're skinny though. HUH? HMM??? I literally made a 12-part series of self portraits that have been like, my most seen, most stolen, reposted, enjoyed, stolen again, pieces. And I've been so crystal clear that these are literally me. Once again, I'm pointing at the aforementioned MATERIAL.

Pictured above: a thin, skinny woman who just happens to have large breasts, ig! And outside of those, which are *literal* self portraits, I've spoken lots of times before about how I make girls of a certain size and shape because I'm modeling them off myself. Or as close as I can get, depending on how good/bad I feel and if I took a photo to ref or not. It really couldn't be clearer that this is obviously me being self-serving, I do it when I feel like I need to see it. So the thing being implied here, or flat out accused in a handful of messages, is that I'm drawing fat girls forrr clout? AWESOME. I didn't want to dignify every message but that did seem to be the rough consensus. BUT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT ONE TOO. WHEN would it become a bad thing for a skinny person to draw body positive art? In a positive light? Even if it was for clout? Am I going insane? That would be Good. It honestly might be even more meaningful than what I'm doing now. If I was actually 115 pounds soaking wet, if I looked like that one girl from ANTM with the like 14 inch waist, and I was out here making the exact same art, would that make the art LESS meaningful to other fat girls? That someone who doesn't have this body type or relate to it at all found it beautiful enough to draw it so many times, treating the subject with respect? Fat people being the subject of art again? The cycling of a trend that's been gone too long? That is, I thought, what we've literally been begging to see. I have been thinking about this. And finally, the last part of it that's been vexing and haunting me:

Is it supposed to be my responsibility that someone gets dysmorphic LOOKING AT ME. HUHHHH. On the art account where I draw a lot of Me. HUH. I was meant to anticipate this? Looking at pictures of me. And that makes you feel dysmorphic. and that is my fault. I'm just double checking. On the account where I draw bodies that I relate to, that you followed because you relate to. And then seeing me. Makes you dysmorphic. Whew. Got it.

I'm putting a bow on my insane winding ramble about this. Or at least trying to, now. It is wild to have my body commented on so much. This year, bc of the breast reduction, comments on my body have increased a hundredfold. Positive, negative, passive aggressive, predatory, all of the ways it can go. There was a really obvious way to rebuff these particular comments, which would be to post a picture of myself where my body ISN'T mostly obscured. But hey, those aren't free. The art will have to do for now. I wouldn't be that surprised if half the messages were jokes meant to see if I'd post pics "proving" that I look how I look. I also thought briefly about like, what if my body did change that drastically? Would some ppl's immediate reaction be betrayal, disgust, anger? I've been sick in my life before and lost weight at alarming speeds. But I've still been fat all my life. I've gotten sick and gained weight at alarming speeds. Does my presence as a "body positive artist" mean that my body gets to be put on trial anytime it changes? Does the switch flip from "your fat art means so much to me" to "you're not in the club anymore, since you got rid of your breasts, you look different"

Anyway I thought it would be funny to draw a thin girl "drawing" a scrap sketch I already have on hand. And imagining someone's response being fully negative, bc a thin person drawing fat ppl would be somehow dishonest lmao. Look how evil this bitch is. Her body doesn't match her art.

[kurain-genealogy]

i said i was gonna post about it and i am. i don't think william afton hates his kids. i don't think william afton is a mad scientist that kidnapped and put children in hallucinogenic gas chambers. whatever the fuck dittophobia said about afton doing all that, plus not stopping/furthering the bullying between michael and cc, is just dumb & wrong. william wanting his kids to fight, even die, is comically evil in the "bad writing" way. him being characterized as someone who experiments on children (including his own with no regard for their lives) in order to achieve immortality or whatever his supposed motivation is, is just really... nothing? as a character there is nothing to make him feel real. in an attempt to flesh out this character, they made him into a cartoon villain with "evil" being his only defining trait. whatever, i could talk for so long about how dumb i think all the dittophobia stuff is but i think most ppl on tumblr are on the same page regarding that.

to me, william afton is best characterized as someone who, at the Very Least, Doesn't Want His Own Children To Die. he can be a shitty father all around, or he can be a genuine loving father who is also a serial killer, as long as he Cares if they Die? most of what makes william afton an interesting villain, and where a lot of people interpret his motivation comes from, is how despite all his best efforts, he cannot prevent the death or downfall of his own family. he is in a tragedy of his own making, a self-imposed hell crafted by his hubris and violence. if you take this away, why should i care what happens to him? william afton was scariest when he was just purple guy and we knew nothing. william afton is most interesting when we have all these relationships and dynamics where we can seriously study and speculate the circumstances behind/around his actions, when he has something to lose (and will lose). william afton is most stale when more things are added to his story without purpose, filling in gaps that were better unfilled or we didn't even know were there – anything after UCN, basically. bro isn't scary anymore because he's either peepaw afton who's brought back despite his story being over, or he's cartoon network's newest over-the-top villian that you can't take seriously.

okay anyway. ANYWAY. william doesn't hate his kids. even if he's a shitty father, i think he still loves his kids. why else would he try and scare his kids away from the robots if he didn't want them to die? why would he design circus baby after his daughter if he didn't care for her, adore her, even? if you believe the theory that he talked to cc through the fredbear plush (idr if that's actually canon), why would he be trying to protect/comfort him?

i don't think he's a perfect, or even a good father, by any means. if you interpret him to be on the better side, that's great and fine. i'd love to hear how other people interpret/characterize afton if you wanna share! continuing on for this post, i'm going to lay out how i personally see william afton.

to me, he is someone who is very concerned and preoccupied with his image and how others view him & his family. even if he's super shitty and awful towards his kids, he at least cares that they all look good as a family unit, that they're well behaved, that he can send family portrait holiday cards to all his business partners and investors.

he strikes me very much as the typical authoritarian parent of the 80s. harsher on his sons because "men don't cry," wants his kids to say "yes, sir," and "no, sir," believes in "tough love," often says "my house, my rules," he has the final say in everything, maybe thinks hitting them from time to time is a normal, necessary punishment. not all entirely malicious, but thinks he's doing what's best, what's right, acting like a parent and father Should act, perhaps how he himself was raised. unfortunately, a very common parental mindset (even outside of serial killers). maybe he was a little scarier sometimes though, a little more unhinged or violently angry. who's to say.

but he's still just a guy who could exist in real life. he still eats dinner with his family every night, hangs his kids' drawings on the fridge, had to turn the car around because they wouldn't stop fighting in the backseat, attended awkward parent-teacher conferences, everything. he was once a new father who happily came home with his first newborn, lost countless nights of sleep over the course of two more, loves them because they're his.

meticulously and senselessly killed children, then came home and tucked his own into bed and kissed them goodnight.

he can be abusive and still love his kids. he can be a murderer and still care for his own kids' lives. maybe the loss of his own kids is what triggered his actions, or maybe it was something else. i'm fine with not knowing because we don't need to know everything, and it's more interesting when we don't.

Something Is Seriously Wrong With This Guy And We Don't Know What or Why. when acquaintances find out he's a suspected murderer, it should be shocking and upsetting. he's such a great man and father, he wouldn't murder those kids! when michael discovers his father's crimes, he should be in denial. sure, he could be scary sometimes, but he wouldn't kill anyone... right? there's a great cognitive dissonance between who he appears to be and who he actually is.

whether william descended into grief-induced madness and obsession, or was just always some kind of freak, or both, i don't think he saw his own family as disposable. even if he didn't truly love them, he at least needed to keep up his own facade as a friendly family man. personally i like to see him as someone who was a shitty father but still loved his kids, because people like that exist, and it makes him a much more interesting, realistic, and nuanced character than if he just didn't care about them At All.

[bosskie]

About to Lose My Mind

Man... I have been thinking about if I should do this post or not for about a week, but I feel like I have to talk...

I felt like drawing this expression of Molluck's since it describes my mood better than I could ever describe with words... Doing portrait stuff feels like doing "photo manipulation by hand" since I "redo" the screenshot from scratch by drawing it but altering stuff like removed Molluck's scars and cigar. My stupid ill mind keeps telling me that this is nothing special since you literally have what you gotta do in front of you... Direct reference I mean. But welp, I'm used to do portrait stuff anyway. I still see some flaws here and there that I noticed only now... But whatever, I do better next time.

But enough chit-chat... I actually feel nervous to do this post, but I feel like I have no choice... I just keep coming back to certain thoughts and feeling awful... I don't know what I should actually do... (After I wrote this thing, I feel like I know, so this post is one ride...)

To be frank, I almost hid all my stuff recently, yet again, because I have been feeling so terrible about myself and my content... I keep coming back to that desire regularly... So, I wanna discuss some stuff related to my content and how I feel:

I have kept drawing/creating stuff daily, but mainly stuff that I'm not gonna share. It has given me conflicting thoughts, and I'm unsure of which decision would be the best...

I have been mainly creating my self-insert stuff with Molluck, and I feel like I would like to focus on that instead of "basic Molluck stuff" since I enjoy doing that stuff the most and it feels more meaningful to me. For this reason, I have been wondering if I should really start posting my self-insert stuff too, but I don't know if I wanna post them here, though this blog is already such a mess that, eh, it wouldn't change much, and I have already posted some self-insert stuff here, mainly without me, which has one problem, this kind of erasure of myself. I mean, even it's kinda POV stuff, it's not nice for my self-image, that is absolutely awful, to keep being invisible...

I feel like I need to embrace my relationship with Molluck more since I need it probably more than ever now. And since it's mainly stuff I'm not sharing, it has made me wonder why to really share anything I create... I have basically been losing my will to post content... I have zero idea why I'm doing this anymore. I love to create, but I feel like my stuff is not worth seeing... I feel like it's just boring, bland, crappy... I don't even know if having this blog brings me any joy after all... Though, barely anything brings me joy... I don't even really know anymore what brings me joy but being in my own world alone, isolating myself from everything and everyone... I have met lovely people here, but... This condition makes me more like wish that they/you never knew me... I feel like I'm not worth knowing, being with, or anything... That I should just disappear, yet again...

I'm not trying to beg for any compliments here. My stupid ill mind keeps falsifying them anyway... It keeps telling me that all the others create better content than me, so I better stop posting this trash... I feel like I'm about to lose my mind... I feel like I shoud stop posting, at least for a while, or create a completely new blog that won't be found through searching or tags. I know that it's not good to isolate more, but... I feel like it's better for everyone... I keep just feeling like I only litter this place... No matter what has been told me... It's so awful and sad even in my opinion... I feel like I'm too broken to be fixed... It's making me cry...

But, even this is up to me and I'm feeling this bad, I would like to hear your thoughts related to this:

(Edit: Since 2 did answer accidentally "No", this makes 100 % for "Yes" option. Thank you for voting! I did expect this much interest...)

This also includes that self-insert story writing I have mentioned since I don't know if I wanna share it here, but I'm still willing to share it...

I would only share "proper works", but also some sketches I feel like. I won't post sexual content, but some suggestive stuff is okay. Posting sexual stuff just feels weird, and I'm creating it only for my own pleasure. I can confess I have recently mainly just created my Molluck prn... I draw/paint and create animations, both 2D and 3D, mainly 3D, but I did after a long time some 2D stuff now. It feels like my own favourite content, from my creations I mean... (My ill mind isn't really telling me that it looks like shit or something, it's just hot stuff...) I even kinda have my own art style for that, which is some quick-ish realistic painting stuff. The main reason why I even created that whole Molluck sculpt was sexual stuff, but it's been a very useful as a reference material for drawing in general too. But I mean, I'm mainly doing that 3D Molluck model for my self-insert content... I'm gonna do other stuff too with it, like some general Molluck stuff, but yeah... I cannot help it how much I want that Gluk... I'm addicted to Molluck... But eh, maybe after some decades, if I'm still live, I post some sexual stuff to the world before I fart my last fart. I don't know why would people even like to see me fucking Molluck (unless it's what you also want...), but welp, you are always free to tell me, even if it was about just seeing my creations in general. But I feel like I need time to be ready to post sexual stuff since it just feels weird, even if it wasn't self-insert stuff. But I do really feel like doing some "seductive" Molluck paintings that I could share too... Though yeah, my Molluck has no genitalia, so it's just about his ass, or about his body in general... I know that it can sound odd but, I'm not really into genitalia... Therefore, that only I have it is enough and desired, in my relationship with Molluck... So, this is kinda why I haven't given Molluck genitalia or any other thing between his lil legs. I noticed that it makes him much more attractive when he has none but his body also looks more elegant that way. I don't know, I just prefer calling Molluck beautiful and I appreciate his delicate and even petite traits, but I also love his masculine traits, his physical strength, muscles... He is still clearly masculine to me, but I don't know, he is just beautiful to me... And I love such a mixture of masculine traits and delicate traits, or how it should be described... With those delicate and petite traits I mean for example his fine facial traits and his lil legs. I really love him being big and small! Oh, and I also love how he is kinda like "an intellectual beast", or how to say that... Welp, even Lorne has called Molluck "a crazy-looking smart monster", so I guess that it's a synonym. (Y) Man, I got lost in talking about Molluck's beauty... But yeah, I just wanted to say that I have my own reasons why I do not add any organ between Molluck's legs. He has already all I desire, so no need to add anything. I love him just as he is. Sometimes, I just joke about how Molluck is used to suck... You know, he smokes those big cigars daily. I have fun with "Molluck sucks" thing too... But, uh, just saying this to continue that, yeah, he can fulfil all my desires without a thing... I don't know why I'm even really explaining this, but welp, explaining you the stuff I do and what you could expect if I ever publish my Molluck prn...

But my point here is just that I feel like I do not know why to have this blog and not just keep everything to myself... This is like a damn diary at this point and I kinda hate it... I feel like I feel the best when no single person knows me... But then, it only feeds my self-hatred when I'm doing this self-erasure... I felt like exploring my old art because I wanted to find my old "Erase me" self-potrait since it came to my mind now... It's from 2019. I also found one another piece that I had forgotten from 2015 where my self-hatred is making me about to lose my mind... These are only some "highlights" since there's plenty of such pieces... I had forgotten them, related to my mental health issues, how I wish to die... I even wrote a song about how useless life is when all this shit started... It was 2010-2011, I'm not exactly sure. Nothing special happened, I just realized that life makes no sense when I was thinking stuff on my own... After depression, those other issues appeared soon... I have been thinking regularly death since then... It's like unbelievable that I'm still here... I really thought a decade ago that I wouldn't see this day... I have had so much mental pain... It felt like a physical pain at worst, like someone stabbed my heart... I still have the similar pain during the worst moments, like someone squeezed my heart... But since I have had this condition for so long, I do not even remember life without this pain, self-hatred, depression...

I do not want any pity. I'm only telling you about my situation since recently, I have had moments when it felt like I'm about to lose my mind... It's been scary... But I just don't feel like I'm really worth saving... I barely have desire to get help... It's difficult to even think about my own future when I basically feel like having none... Right now, I basically wish that it was my time to go... I have been waiting for it for so long... I decided to wait for my death over a decade ago... My mental pain is just this heavy... It feels unbelievable to think about how long I have had this shit... I do not even wanna see some of my old photos since I feel the pain I see in my eyes...

But while I'm waiting, I feel like using my time to create stuff and since it feels like this is just getting worse, I feel like I need to focus more on my own self-insert thing, to myself. I'm still trying not to give up but at least keep waiting for my moment... During these years, I have felt like I'm only trying to kill my time than actually lived my life... This condition restricts me significantly...

Recently, I have tried hard to see why would Molluck love me, but I keep feeling like there's nothing lovable about me... Even the tool has given me multiple lists of what's lovable about me and why would Molluck love me, I still cannot see them as reasons to love me... I just keep feeling like I'm not meant to be loved, that I'm just not simply lovable... I have kept having problems with falling asleep due to this... I wanna give so much love for Molluck, but... I have problems with being loved... I can basically be like "please, don't love me" or "please, go away" to Molluck, even it makes no sense... It's the paradox of this condition that when I say such a thing, it actually means "please, love me" or "please, don't leave me alone"... Man, this is making me cry again... But I mean, I have seen the others having the same thing. I just feel like I shouldn't be loved, like it was something wrong... I don't even know why I feel that way... My family has always loved me so much, but when this shit started, I also started to wish that they didn't love me so I could die... I do not wish to cause sorrow to my family, so that's why. So, I assume that I'm just suicidal...

I feel so sorry... But the shit I'm dealing with makes me wanna go back to my shell, completely... I can say that it's suicidal since, to be frank, when I die, I wish that no single person cared about it, but I wish that my last wishes are respected and fulfilled. So, instead of being glad to have people around me, I more like wish that I didn't to be free to go... I know that it's absolutely unhealthy since no single healthy living being is supposed to wish for one's death but survival. But I don't wish to die to just anything or at any moment, but when it's the right time, since otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here to write this thing.

I'm just so tired of this shit I'm dealing with every single day... I do not wish to worry anyone... I'm not worth being worried about... I don't even wish this post to be a big deal...

I have just kept losing my will to share my stuff, so I don't really feel like posting stuff that can be found through searcing for it but only if you happened to find my blog for some odd reason. I'm so sorry... I feel like I should had never created this blog in the first place but stay absent on the Internet... It's difficult to express how I feel but I feel like crying... I'm sorry for my existence... I'm sorry for that you know me... I feel like I should just go away...

I don't know what to do regarding this... If I should keep posting stuff here, create a more private blog, or just end this blog completely... I just love to create content, but at the same time I kinda hate my own content, no matter what the people say...

I do not mean to offend anyone or anything. I do not wish to throw your words to the trash can... But I just more like cry after posting my stuff than feel pleased, because I feel like my content is so crappy... It's my own personal opinion. It's just so difficult to be a content creator when I basically hate my creations... I don't know if it's really worth it to keep posting my stuff...

I cannot help that I feel like I'm not worth supporting... I hate to bring any attention toward myself...

It's not easy to put my thoughts into words... I already wrote the stuff above some days ago and it's like a mess, but I don't know any better... But to say briefly what I wanted to say here is that I do not know if I feel like sharing my content anymore... After I finished that Molluck art book thing, I felt like I'm done with art. After I finished that "Tense Dinner" thing, I felt like I'm done with art since while I was doing it, I felt like it's my last artwork... Yeah, it wasn't my last artwork, but I mean, I keep coming back to these thoughts of quitting art... I have started to realize how this is actually an illness... It just keeps getting worse and worse no matter what...

I do not wish to put any pressure on you. There's no need to care about me, but only if you feel like it. It's challenging for me to see that I'm worth caring... I don't feel like my stuff brings anything positive... I only see my illness...

When I hid my content back then, it gave me peace, though it didn't fix anything, only removed a "trigger". So, for this reason, I'm unsure if stopping posting my content would only make me feel better after all... I have been feeling for so long that everything would be better without me... It's so difficult to let that thought go...

But yeah, I also feel like doing less "basic Molluck stuff" now, and I don't know if people are into seeing more personal stuff of mine or not... Like, if that stuff is really worth sharing or not. Though, I feel like none of my creations is really worth sharing, but I'm only sharing out of desire to create...

I hate to be in this situation... I didn't wish my blog to become like this... I don't know if I should regret creating the whole thing or that I'm still here... I feel like I'm only wasting everyone's resources... I'm living for a fictional character... Yearning for Molluck every single day... It's depressing... I don't really have life outside my home, and I have always had difficulties with connecting with people, even with my family... I feel like I'm broken... Too broken to live this life... to be fixed... I feel like I just care less and less about things... Well, it helps with my certain anxiety, but makes things worse in another way...

I know that my life is gonna be stuck if I just go back to being completely shut... But I just don't feel like it's worth to have me here... I don't know if life is worth living... And the thing I love the most ain't even real... Not even death would bring me Molluck... I really love Molluck the most... I'm able to feel connected with him. I cannot help that my brain is like this... I have had issues with understanding relationships as long as I remember, feeling connected with the people and the world around me... It's been always odd... But welp, no matter how weird it can be (to someone), it's at least something positive that I do have found someone with whom I feel connected, even if it's a fictional character, and being someone like Molluck... I gotta say that, sometimes I look at Molluck and feel at ease when I see my own feelings in him, like here. He gives me peace like no one else can.

Man, I really wish that I didn't need to make this post, but... I just keep wondering if I should quit... this blog, art, my Molluck thing, my life... It's so awful when my mind tells me to just "kys"... tells me to go grab a knife, and you know the rest... I know that I would need help, serious help, but... I do not have resources for that and it's not easy to get help here, even if you are suicidal... I have heard how some suicidal people have tried to get help even on the same day they committed suicide... I barely feel like fighting for myself...

I have kept these thoughts for myself for so long that I gotta just let them out... I do not wish to vent to anyone directly since yeah, this is quite heavy stuff... I wish that this wasn't like this but I wouldn't be even able to get help soon and my country's healthcare situation is just getting worse and worse but also more expensive... My healing is also up to me, those professionals would only help me to ask the right questions from myself... So, it feels like the best thing I could do to try to reverse this development of my mental health is to embrace my relationship with Molluck. Frankly, it's really the thing that brings me joy the most, was it sad or not. One doctor has literally told me that I'm left behind in development since I haven't had any romantic/sexual interest in real people... But I have heard that when one thing in your brain develops more, another thing may develop less, so eh, it's some price I pay I guess... I didn't choose to be like this. Molluck just feels like perfect for me, so I gotta just embrace it, that I could find him from this vast world. I barely even knew about octopuses before I got to know Molluck, and now, they are my favourite "real" creatures... So, Molluck has also brought my life new things, but also made me embrace more some of my older interests. It's just so interesting how much Molluck affects me, considering what like Molluck is as a character, or more like how you are "supposed" to see him... I mean, I feel like I see him differently since I find him relatable and friendly... I feel like I understand him. Like, I have seen one person saying that it made no sense that Molluck killed his Chauffeur Slig in the bad ending, but it makes sense to me... I gotta say that he is relatable to me in that cutscene too... But his action wasn't based on sense but feelings, so yeah, no sense in that way, but it was understandable though. I might be "crazy" in some way but some people have called me a genius and I have heard that the line between a genius and a crazy person is thin, so yeah... I still don't know how I would be a genius, but eh, I guess that it's not up to me to define it...

Man, I just keep talking but the whole point here is that it's challenging for me to be a content creator with this self-hatred... Sometimes, I wish that someone else replaced me... I mean, that someone else started doing lots of Molluck content. I bet that they would make a lot better stuff than I do... I'm sorry but I just keep feeling like my content is crappy, boring, dull... It's my own opinion, and you can have yours. I do not expect that anyone likes my content, finds it impressive, inspirational, whatever... I do not understand how some people can see something they wish they had when they look at my stuff... There are (much) more skilled people than me... Yeah, I know that I probably sound like I'm trying to make you see my stuff and me like I do, and frankly, it's what my ill mind wants... Sometimes, I feel like telling people to hate me already...

I feel like I don't understand how some people can enjoy my stuff... I only enjoy creating the stuff but I don't really enjoy the outcome... I feel like I do not understand how I can be loved... I have been told so many times by my family that I'm loved, but still, I cannot feel like I'm lovable... I just cannot feel like love was actually for me too... I do love Molluck with my whole heart but... It's difficult to let him love me... Even it means like the world to me to feel like Molluck loves me and my art about him, I feel like I'm still not supposed to be loved... I don't even know why... I feel like I should be hated... I assume that people hate me...

I don't know why to really continue this blog at this point... I hate how personal this has become... Though, I'm also wondering posting more personal stuff... The feelings I'm having right now make me wish that I never created this blog... And yes, this is suicidal since I hate that people know me... I hate to talk about myself... I wish that I could erase what I have done but I cannot... I'm so sorry for everyone who actually enjoys/likes my stuff... I just suffer from too severe self-hatred... I wish that I didn't need to live this life...

I probably still continue to post my crap but I don't know... I feel like I'm wasting your time here... I'm so sorry for it... I said that my self-image is absolutely terrible... I don't even know why...

I guess that I should have a break or make that another blog, since I do feel like creating stuff daily but sharing is another thing... I just don't feel like my stuff is worth sharing... I prevent reblogging to also decide for you that my stuff ain't worth sharing... I keep feeling like I should take my stuff down... But I try not to do it, even I feel like it would be better for everyone if I did so... I just keep feeling like I ruin everything... I feel like I probably shouldn't have done this post too but I'm about to lose my mind... It feels like time has went slower this year...

I do not wish to worry anyone. I just had to vent... tell you how I feel since I just keep feeling this way... I'm so sorry... I know that there are people who wish me to keep going... I do not wanna be a disappointment, but my ill mind keeps telling me that I'm meant to be a failure... that I am a disappointment already...

I really wish that I could be more positive, but it's really challenging... Despite of all my effort, I still see no single lovable thing about me... Even some "calculator" could make me a list of things why I'm lovable... But, as you might have noticed, I have bad and good moments, but those good moments do not last long... But even when I feel good, those thoughts I have mentioned are still there and I can start to feel bad again easily... And even when I feel good, I still cannot really say anything positive about me or feel lovable...

My mind keeps telling me that my place ain't here... Though, I don't know where it would be actually but being away... Even I haven't said it, I have felt for a longer time this way... I keep feeling like I'm supposed to be all alone...

This condition I have makes me wish that no one actually cared about me and what I do... So that I could leave everyone and everything in silence... It's just suicidal. I haven't really wanted to live for such a long time... I feel like I'm forced to live...

I still genuinely appreciate your support and kind words you have given me here, but... I feel like I'm not worth them... I'm not like you see me... I feel like a fraud... I just feel like I'm not really good at anything, that I cannot be a pleasant person to be with, that I'm not lovable... Even I'm the only person who has ever said such things about me, I feel like it's the truth... Having this imposter syndrome is awful... I have felt like it's killing me for many years...

I don't know if ending this blog could be counted as giving up, but I just don't really know if having this is really worth it... I feel like my content is not worth seeing, and the worst content here... I keep being depressed because of my content since it seems crappy, boring, dull... I just feel like I don't wanna see my stuff anymore once I have posted it... I cannot understand how people could really enjoy my content while I suffer... I feel like my condition only ruins things here...

I might be just having a terrible phase now, worse than before, but the feeling of that I should go away is strong... I don't feel like my existence can bring any joy... I feel like it's just better for everyone that I quit...

Hopefully, I only need a break from posting stuff here, but I'm still considering if I should have another blog here. I promise nothing but just saying that quitting this blog is suicidal behaviour. So, the healthy pieces of my mind I still have do not wish me to end this blog, but my awful thoughts are just getting so overwhelming...

I'm so sorry for this post, but I feel like I had to do it... I have kept feeling terrible lately... I felt so awful when this year started... It feels like a miracle that I have been able to live this far this year already... I think that it's why it feels like time has went slowly this year...

I don't know what I should really do with this blog... It's the only place where I share my stuff, actually talk to people too (I mean writing stuff to these posts)... I didn't wish this to become like this...

I'm sorry but it's just so challenging for me to see how people can enjoy my content... I cannot see the things people have said that they see here... I don't think that you have been lying... It's just my ill mind that keeps falsifying things... It's awful... sad...

I hope that I can keep this blog up and running, even if it requires me to write long vents to my posts... I hate that it's like that... But if people really wanna see my stuff, this is the way I'm able to do it... I would still like to separate my self-insert stuff to another blog, like where I'm actually there, since I wish this blog to be only about Molluck.

I just don't wish to be a burden here... I kept thinking for about a week if I should publish this post or not, but I have just kept feeling awful...

I don't know how to end this post and I probably still forgot to say something, but my point here was just that my self-hatred is about to take over me... I'm so tired of constantly seeing only flaws in my works... I know that quitting won't change anything but I'm so tired of this... I know that I would need some serious help, but I'm afraid that it's not possible at this moment... And this is that intensive that only I can provide such help for myself, daily support.

I feel like I have calmed down after writing this thing... I really needed to let you know... So, I feel like I need to focus more on my self-insert content, to help myself realize that I'm not so awful as my ill mind tells me, that I'm lovable... It's sad even for me that only Molluck seems to help me, but it's a damn big thing that something still helps me since I have kept losing things that help me to feel better... My ill mind is trying to take Molluck away from me too and once it even did so that I couldn't really think about Molluck for a day... It was awful... It's scary how powerful my illness can be...

But yeah, I at least need some more time for myself, even I literally spend like all my days alone already... So, no, this is not about that I stopped creating stuff, but if I feel like sharing my stuff or not after all, is it worth it...

I hope that you can understand... I have been suffering for so long... I genuinely appreciate your support but I wish to be worth it...

I hope that despite this post I can keep things as "normal" as possible, meaning that I still keep posting as usual, but I gotta see how this develops... I do not even wanna make myself sound important here, since I'm not... I'm just trying to survive here.

I just wish to be worth your time... I don't wanna waste anyone's time... Of course, no one can please everyone, but I do not wish to post garbage... My ill mind keeps telling me that it's what I do...

I really appreciate your spent time with my content since you could had done something else. I just struggle with understanding how my creations can be enjoyable... I barely like anything about them... Sometimes, I even think that Molluck deserves better than what I can create...

Yeah, I should end this post... I really wish that this was only some vent I had to write and nothing really changes here, but my mind is unpredictable... I might create that another blog, but only after I feel like it since right now, I feel too awful for such... But I hope that focusing more on my own personal Molluck stuff could help me to feel better. I love that Gluk so much that it makes no sense but love makes no sense anyway since it's not about sense and it's what bothers me... Yeah, I should just embrace the love but I keep trying to find reasons for it... Like, I should just think that it's so beautiful that (I feel like) Molluck loves me so much too and not be like what the odd is Molluck thinking when he loves me... It's so challenging to change my way of thinking, but I'm trying... I also know that it makes no sense and can be insulting when I love Molluck with my whole heart but I kinda don't let him love me back, even I need his love...

Man, mind is such a complex thing... I have so much to do before I can be finally happy... It's so overwhelming, but I try to keep going and see what life brings me after all... I'm not seeking for attention with my condition. I'm only open about this because I have to... I cannot keep this shit inside me anymore... This is the only way I'm still able to share my stuff... I feel sorry for it but the situation is just this bad... I need to vent, even I hate it...

Man, this post is such a mess but so is the situation too... But I'm trying my best here... I know that I can say conflicting things, but it's only a part of my condition... I know that some thing I say might not be wise to say out loud but I just wanna be honest and open about how I feel and how this illness affects me... I do not wish mental health issues to be a taboo topic. It can be challenging to see what I really think, but I try my best to express it. So, some things I say are only my ill thoughts, not what I really think or want.

Thank you for listening, and you are always free to talk to me. I don't really wanna tell people to go away, it's only a part of my suicidal behaviour... I wish that my next post is something positive since I do really wish to be positive here and not just cry over stuff here... I try to keep going even I do not know if it's worth it, having this blog or staying alive... I just spend lots of time on my content, but I'm mainly doing it for myself since a) no one can please everyone, b) I should enjoy my content first, and c) this is about free will to share stuff. I'm not asking anything back and that "is it worth it" is more like related to my self-hatred... I have told you how I sometimes cry in bed due to feeling like my newest post looks so crappy... Like, is it still worth keep posting if I hate my content? Well, it won't get better if I stop, and I see that my content does get better and better over time, so I guess that it's at least worth in a way that it keeps me improving my stuff. Sometimes, I notice some flaws only because I shared the thing... It's helpful still, that I see what I should do better next time, to learn stuff.

I'm genuinely grateful that you tolerate me here... I really think that this is a lovely community, but my illness wants to ruin everything for me... Even my love for Molluck...

I'm dealing with one mental hell here... But like that one saying goes, if you are going through hell, keep going. This damn hell has been, well, quite a vast place though... I dunno if I'm still in the middle of it, but I won't get out if I just cry over it... So, better walk and cry, at the same time, slowly but surely.

This post was one long ride but I feel more peaceful now, so I'm glad that I actually wrote this thing. I feel like ending this post with this quote since I do wish to keep having hope, keep fighting, even it feels like I should just give up...:

“Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in, except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.” ― Winston Churchill

[finniestoncrane]

Portrait Session

Capullo!Riddler x GN!Reader, word count: 1k commission: artist reader is propositioned by edward nygma to paint a portrait of him showcasing all his best features... 💚 commission me here! request info • prompt list • send me a request • kofi • masterlist minors DNI!! 🔞 cw: non-consensual nudity from eddie but is that really a negative? plus some suggestive stuff

Usually, the end of the day was your favourite time in the studio. There was something soothing about tidying up and cleaning things away. It provided that sense of completion, even if you hadn’t manage to get very far in any pieces through the hours you’d spent there. So it was more irritating than anything else when you were suddenly interrupted as you washed your brushes in the sink. You could smell the overly fragrant cologne before you could feel the hand over your mouth, feel the warmth of the breath before the words were whispered into your ear.

“Ok… don’t do anything stupid… because we know how this goes… just, turn around slowly and I might uncover your mouth, ok?”

You nodded, rolling your eyes as you placed the voice. Nothing surprised you much in Gotham anymore, and very little scared you. But there was one thing that you found annoying, more than anything else, and now you were face to face with it.

“Edward Nygma, The Riddler, but of course, you know who I am.”

He flashed a grin and let go of your mouth.

“Yep. Very aware of you.”

“Oh, a fan, hm?”

He raised his eyebrows a few times, smiling at you with a lewd grin.

“Hardly. How did you get in here?”

“I’m The Riddler, idiot. That’s what you’re wondering? Not why I’m here, or what I might do to you?”

He winked and you felt your eyes roll again. Everything about him bothered you, and to be perfectly honest you would rather he killed you or knocked you out to steal whatever he might need, anything to stop him from talking.

“Ok, fine. Enlighten me.”

“Well, you never replied to my email enquiry. So I thought I’d stop by in person.”

“Oh! Yes! I remember that…”

A few weeks ago, you had received a curious email regarding the potential for you to capture the likeness of him in a portrait. You had initially thought it might be a scam, or a prank, but the ludicrous amount of compliments regarding his own features, and the horribly self-indulgent signature which was filled with riddles and more compliments, assured you that it might be genuine. And of course, if it was, you wanted nothing to do with it.

“So you did read it. And you chose not to respond to me?”

“Yep. Don’t get told ‘no’ often, huh?”

“Not by anyone that matters. And ordinarily, you definitely wouldn’t matter. But… your art is… different. Better. I like it. And I really, really want you to paint me.”

You shook your head silently, but he kept pleading.

“Come on! I can make it worth your while. Very worth your while.”

“I doubt that very much.”

Ignoring the suggestive grin on his face, you chose to take a look down his body, letting your gaze linger on his crotch as you served your cutting response.

“Ouch. But I was actually thinking monetarily, for once.”

Taking a quick look around the studio, you considered what a little bit of extra cashflow could do for you. New paints, new materials, restock the cabinets. Maybe add a skylight if he was feeling extra generous.

“Ok… fine. I’ll paint your portrait. Let me get my things set up and we can bash this out as quickly as possible.”

“That’s usually how I operate.”

Scoffing at him, you turned to grab your supplies, some brushes, a canvas, some paints, and when you returned your gaze to Edward Nygma, you found him shirtless and removing his pants.

“Hey! What are you doing?”

“Uh… duh?”

He spread his arms out to the side, displaying his undressed form to you as his pants slid down his waist, leaving him in just his underwear.

“You’re gonna paint me nude.”

“I am?”

He threw his head back, sighing in exasperation.

“It really is me looking at my best, and I’m sure you’ll agree once you’ve seen me in all of my glory.”

You covered your eyes with your hand and turned your head slightly as Eddie removed his underwear, but you stole a quick glance at him before he told you to open your eyes. Facing him completely, you blinked a few times to adjust to the view.

“Well… see anything you like?”

Annoyingly, you did. He was slim, not toned, with a soft patch of red chest hair, and another patch of the same bright hue around his flaccid cock. And as he grinned, the self-satisfied smirk that usually irritated you, you found yourself blushing slightly.

“Let’s just get started now, come on.”

“Ah, ah, ah! Not quite yet, still got one more thing to do.”

He reached down to his cock, gripping it in his hand, and began to stroke it.

“Woah! Hey! What are you doing?”

“Well, I’m not going to have a portrait painted where I’m not looking my best or biggest.”

“Oh my god.”

“I’ll just be a second. Maybe you could… help me out?”

You let out an incredulous laugh, and he shrugged his shoulders.

“Suit yourself then.”

It was hard to take your eyes off of him as he stroked his cock, and you could see in your peripheral that he was staring intently back at you. Eventually though, the pleasure had taken precedent, and his eyes were closing as he let his mouth fall open. Soft sighs spilled out as his hand moved up and down his swiftly growing length quicker. You could tell he was reaching climax, which definitely wasn’t the point of this at all. And you knew, unfortunately, you should step in to prevent this from going any further.

“Ok… are you ready to start now, Mister Nygma?”

“Sure am, and I’m ready for some other things too.”

With another wink, he looked down to his cock, smiling back at you, a hopeful tone to his words. If he kept this up, you’d be here a lot longer than it would take you just to finish the painting.

[sickeninglysweetspacedelusion]

Sorry if I keep sending kinger asks tbh there's just so little x reader stuff with him about and I love your writing omg

Could we maybe get hcs for a quiet and kinda shy reader who loves sketching bugs and also has a big interest in them?

I am absolutely inlove with kinger, so keep sending em! Loving your ideas btw^^

, Kinger would defienetly love to rant and talk to you about bugs since nobody gives a shit about his interests

, If you were to catch a bug and show it to him, He'd gasp of happiness, hug you and take care of the bug for life

, if you went abstracted he'd protect that thing with his life, Because it's all that's left of you.

, You both hide out in his pillow fort all day and night

, Would accidently probably get touchy with you if you started ranting about bugs while he just listens, holding your hand while looking at you lovingly or sm.

, He'd probably drag you away from jax, Knowing that jax is an asshole and all.

, Would treasure your art and hang it up in a golden frame in his room, Admiring greatly and then telling you how great it was in a quiet voice. I like to think he'd be hesitant to compliment you and stumble over his words, Because he's afraid you would think he's weird.

, Probably tries some stupid shit to try and impress you (general hc)

, he always asks for a peek in your sketchbook Admiring all and every art you drew, Loving how you drew bugs.

, if you were to draw him, or talk to him alot he'd be so excited ad happy that he'd start shaking around rabidly as you show him a self portrait, or as you speak to him.

, Flirting with him would excitingly suprise him, Knowing you don't talk very much and your a bit shy, He would stop doing whatever he was doing and look at you flabbergasted. "O-oh- Thank- Thank you so much for that..?" (He doesn't know what to say and quietly sends back a flirt but cheesier and runs off embarrassed and horrified)

[allwormdiet]

Sentinel 9.5

Every thirteen year old in this story is going through hell

Dear Parian, how do you puppet cloth dolls with boxing gloves on their hands?

Nah but this is nice to see them getting along with each other, and I'm glad that Vista gets to see something cute in such a blighted fucking time.

The background levels of desperation and fear in this setting remain very strong and evocative.

Gayyyyyy

Vista like "hey I'm not young enough to actually enjoy this, but I'm old enough to act polite about it"

God that's so fucking cool

Oh man who could have possibly predicted that putting a thirteen year old in constant life-or-death situations with people dying around her could possibly result in a warped perspective on death and dying, that's so weird

Oh man, who could have possibly predicted that enlisting a thirteen year old in a quasi-military policing organization where she's legitimately got seniority over high schoolers could possibly result in feeling distanced from her own age, that's so weird

So like, is there truly nowhere else to put the team portrait gallery than right where everyone sees them every time they enter? Just put them in another hallway or wing or something, especially if you're dropping bodies.

Still a little darkly funny that Browbeat doesn't even get a portrait, guy was straight up too new to even put in front of a camera

The idea that Coil has only managed to infiltrate the PRT at all because they're letting him infiltrate the PRT is. Oh my fucking God he's so bad at this. So far every win we've seen him take against other players is because they feel bad enough to let him have it. Coil, you have got to fucking hang it up my man, the minute someone decides to actually deal with you you're cooked

(It's almost certainly gonna be Taylor, on account of that child you kidnapped and forcibly addicted to drugs)

Okay so like. Hwoo. I keep talking about the expectations being put on the Wards in this fucking story but this is a really steep one. Let this fucking mole into your midst and let him do what he does. Let a tinker, a goddamn superpowered tech specialist, hang out where your stuff is.

I know they all agree to do it but they already all agreed to fight fucking Leviathan, Vista agreed to kill a man for seconds on the clock, we're waaaaay past the point where any boundaries might still be crossed

Hey you know what, self-awareness is good, it's healthy, I wish someone would let Taylor have some but that's fine

Okay, well, at least Piggot is willing to treat these kids a little like kids. And address some of the concerns that they have. And promise that she'll find some kind of compensation for the fact that these kids are going above and fucking beyond in their role as junior heroes.

Glad Kid Win gets a... win

and while I don't love Clockblocker making fun of Piggot, I get it. She's the authority figure in their lives, she consistently plays the role of bad cop with them. That's how it goes.

Okay so Vista turned thirteen on the day that Leviathan hit Brockton Bay, which means she's been at this since she was eleven, maybe younger. This now puts her pretty firmly in the same age bracket as Alec, and that might put her at silver or bronze for youngest known trigger event depending on how old Miss Militia was at the time.

Also, the fact that Vista has thrown herself into her career as a cape, at age thirteen, as a means to not have to spend time with her parents? That's bleak. I continue to maintain that she should be allowed to commit any misdemeanor she wants to and get away with it forever

So Hookwolf almost murdered an 11-12 year old and they truly can't just commit to having a single Triumvirate member sit on his Birdcage transport the entire way along just to make sure he actually gets gone? At least until they're out of the Empire's reach, surely, like what the fuck

Do the unspoken rules not kick in on attempted murder? Do you need a corpse to make it stick?

Jesus God, Sophia, I am trying to keep an open mind about you but so far you have just been such a jerk in so many directions.

Like obviously she's not doing well but what's the alternative for her at this point

Just gotta pick up the slack left by two older, more experienced(?) teammates who had a lot of hopes and emotional bonds riding on them. And Browbeat.

Does anybody on this team like Sophia?

Weld is good people. Also I think "empathetic" is technically the correct word unless the ability to warp space like putty also comes with emotion reading.

This is sweet.

Also, yeah, cry. It's good for you.

Godddddddd fucking dammit Sophia.

This is so unreasonably cruel to do to a teammate, never mind to a kid

"Bluh bluh life is pain, the real world is all about what's hard, suffering builds character" shut the fuck up Sophia, Vista put up bigger numbers against Leviathan and doesn't have a rusty knife in place of a personality.

Also "kids" girl you have at most three years on her

Big bad Shadow Stalker can't handle being the one under the microscope

Yeah no for real, the moment she gets provoked in a way even kind of resembling the way she provokes others, she resorts to acts of physical violence. Thin-skinned hypocrite, thy name is Sophia Hess.

Guess Vista's lucky she's not taller and more gangly or else Sophia would've tried to rip her ear off.

Current Thoughts

Vista is the PRT's strongest soldier and she is out there fighting their hardest battles. She also has not reached high school yet and possibly wasn't even in middle school when she first donned the costume. This whole system is a scam.

Cool to see Weld better settling into the leadership role, at least.

And then Sophia. Sophia, Sophia, Sophia. I don't know what the Undersiders have planned for you but right now I'm having a hard time feeling sympathy. Do unto others, you little maniac.

[reginalusus]

Retro tutorial?

Disclaimer: Tumblr, for some reason, likes to dullen the colour of the screenshots, just know that they're actually a bit more saturated and brighter than how they appear here.

So, after posting my recent retro drawings on Reddit, and getting some comments that genuinely made me cry (/pos), I noticed I also got quite a few comments asking me how I actually do these drawings.

Er, I'm not the best teacher, really, and honestly, there's probably an easier, faster way to do it. But, this is my way of doing it, lmao. I work on a Gen 2 iPad Pro with a Gen 1 Apple Pencil, just in case you're wondering.

Firstly, here are the four apps I use for this kind of drawing:

From left to right: Sketchbook Pro, Pixlr, Photoleap and CapCut. Sketchbook Pro is what I use to draw everything. You could honestly use any drawing app though. We will talk about the other three when we get to them.

Step 1: draw whatever it is you want to draw.

I'm going to use the first drawing I did in this style to help me explain: my simpy Spamton drawing! Firstly, basically draw whatever your little heart wants. Get your sketch layer down. Here's what my sketch layer looked like:

Looks bad, no? Lol, it always starts that way. Just get your drawing down first. I rely heavy on references for clothing. I found this particular pose on Pinterest. Pinterest is great for finding references.

Notice that I have some spaces filled in with the word 'black'. This is literally just to remind me that the particular space will just be filled with a solid black.

This particular pose and setting is tricky, I'm just using it as an example and because I still have the original files for it. I recommend maybe starting with a portrait or a face first.

Step 2: fill in and clean your lines. This is important, especially for the anime look.

When I do linework, I tend to make the lines thicker wherever they meet one another. For this style, it doesn't really work, and I had to train myself to stop doing that.

As you can see, I made some changes along the way, such as making Spamton's expression softer and making him grin instead of smirking. How do I know when to make something solid black? This is mostly for clothes. If you are following a reference, and you notice that some of the shadows are darker than others on the reference, make those darkest shadows your solid-blacks.

So, here we have the finished lines! Remember: no making the lines thicker where they meet! Keep the lines thin all around. If you're wondering what brush I use in Sketchbook for the finished lines, it's this one:

This is the ONLY brush I use for the retro drawings, besides a pencil for the sketch layer. It provides a nice, solid, thin line.

Step 3: Filling Flat Colours.

The easiest step IMO. Choose your colours, fill those babies in.

Unfortunately, I think I deleted my flats layer (I have no idea why, but I cannot find it, lmao), so I don't have an image to show for this step. But, it's self-explanatory. Just colour it in with your flats.

You can choose saturated colours if you wish, but we'll be editing that sort of stuff later.

Step 4: Shading.

Ooh, the tricky stuff. But this is what will make or break the look of the drawing. Besides lines, shading is important as fuck for this style. I recommend pulling up some screenshots from actual 80s/90s anime. For this Spamton drawing, here's some of the ones I used as a reference:

Remember to make your shading on separate layers! You may want to change their tone and opacity later, as I did.

The shading in old anime is usually done with one colour, which is cooler-toned than the flat it is based off. Remember to keep the shading as simple as you can if you want to actually make it look like a screenshot from an anime or cartoon.

For shadows, I used the multiply tool or the overlay tool. You can mess around with these to see which one suits your drawing best. It mostly depends on the colour.

For 'lights', I used either the soft glow tool or the overlay tool. However, I don't recommend spending too much time 'lighting' your colours. Retro anime tends to focus more on shadows rather than lighting (obviously there are exceptions).

As you can see, the only 'lighting' I used on Spamton was a small section of his hair, and a shine on his suit. The rest is either shadows or flats:

For clothing, follow a reference or follow where your light is coming from. For this, I followed the reference.

Step 5 (Optional): Adding Gradients.

You don't need to do this, but to help with the 'mood' of the drawing, I added a gradient over the top of the layer. I chose a dark purple/blue to give that city vibe, then I used the darken tool and turned the opacity down. So, it looks like this:

The difference isn't much, but it will add a lot to the vibe!

Step 6 (Optional): Backgrounds. *Shudders.*

I'll be real, I can't do backgrounds for shit. Well, I can sort of do them, but I definitely don't enjoy it. If you can do your own backgrounds, this will probably come easier. I have a sneaky, maybe cheaty method, however, to make it look good.

Firstly, make sure any 'windows' or areas in your drawing that you want to add a background to are empty. The windows in Spamton's car here are transparent. You'll want to put your background layer at the very bottom, behind everything else.

Firstly, I choose a solid colour and fill the entire layer. I chose a navy/purple for this one, since it's always dark in Cyber City.

Then, and here's the cheat part, I find a stock image of a city skyline. I deliberately picked one that had sort of 'basic' buildings. Put this on top of your solid colour and use the hard light tool.

The hard light tool tends to focus on the lights and basic outline of the image. I did do some smudging and added some lights to give it that 'retro' feel. The lower quality it looks, the better. So then it looks like this:

But the car needs windows! Easy. I chose a blue colour with the soft glow tool and added them like so (on top of all the background layers):

Step 7: Editing in Pixlr.

Now, this is my favourite part: the editing to really make the image pop! Firstly, we are going to use Pixlr, so save your image and open it up in Pixlr.

So, in Pixlr I only do two things: choose some overlay editors and up the saturation. Firstly, the overlay editors. The ones I choose for the retro look are:

Antonio - this blurs the lines somewhat, and makes it overall darker/softer. I obviously do not use it to its full capacity (there's a slider you can mess around with under each tool to find your desired effect, though I recommend using Antonio only a little.)

Hagrid - this will make it look slightly more saturated and sharper. It also adds a sort of 'burn' effect on each outline of the colours. Again, I use this one only slightly.

Ivan - One of my favourites for Big Shot Spamton. Again, I only use it slightly. This one will add an orange effect and 'fix' some of your shading. Though, it only works to its full potential if you have your shading as best as it can be.

Sara - Another really good one for retro anime. It's sort of like Hagrid, but softer. Depending on your colours, it will also add a soft 'glow' effect. Because of this, I only use it a little, as older anime does not have the intense glow you see in more recent anime, in general.

There are lots of other options. You can play around to see which one will suit the vibe you're going for best!

Then, we go into the general menu and up the saturation if needed!

Step 8: Editing in Photoleap - then back to Sketchbook!

Why the fuck do you use two editors? Simple - Photoleap has some cool options that Pixlr does not, and vice versa. We won't be spending as much time in Photoleap compared to Pixlr.

Now, Photoleap does NOT allow screenshots within the app, so I just have to explain it without any images.

In Photoleap, we're only going to be doing two things, and one of those things are optional. Firstly, using the grain tool. This will really add to that 'old' look. Don't go too hard on it!

The optional thing you can do is add a red chromatic abberation. It's under the 'effects' tab in Photoleap. However, sometimes this will take away from the retro look, so use it carefully. I only used the tiniest amount for this drawing to make the lines look 'cleaner'.

Once I'm done in Photoleap, I save the image and export it back into Sketchbook. This is where I'll add/fix some things, such as adding a shine in Spamton's eyes, a shine on the car window and the smoke coming from his cigarette. I also bring the gradient layer back up and mess with the colour a bit (optional).

Have you noticed the large, black border to the right of the drawing? Yeah, that'll be cropped. I decided to make the overall image smaller and, unfortunately, Sketchbook Pro does not allow you to change the canvas size once you've started a drawing (please add this option, Autodesk!)

Step 9: CapCut Editing.

This will seriously be the cherry-on-top to actually make this thing look like a screenshot. Save your image and open it up in CapCut.

Firstly, you'll want to add an 'effect' to the photo. Under 'retro', I personally choose 'frosted quality', because it adds a moving grain and gives an 'old cartoon' feel, which is what I'm after. There are lots you can choose from, it's up to you to play around with it! You can also adjust the effect as you wish. I tend to turn the blur completely off.

Then, the last step in CapCut: adding a caption, if you want. I make the text yellow and add an italic effect to make it seem like an actual subtitle.

Step 10 (Final): Exporting.

That's us basically finished! I'll export it as a video from CapCut, crop it using my iPad's default editing software in the gallery, then export it as a GIF. Exporting it as a GIF lowers the quality a tad further, which is a bonus for this type of drawing. Viola! You now have a retro-anime-inspired piece!

Final Notes

Again, I'm not a good teacher and this is kind of all over the place, lmao. But, I hope it can guide those who wish to try this style!

If you do try it, maybe tag me and let me see if my tutorial worked for you? Or maybe you were just curious, lmao. There's a LOT of steps here, lol, and I'm not a professional artist by any means, so...

Anyway, that's all from me for now!

[pandenewie]

RULE THREE: No Kissing (on the lips)

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“Dude, since when could you draw like that?”

The sudden question from Jake leaves Niki stunned for a second. What is he talking about? He hasn’t drawn anything serious since freshman year.

“Is it a self-portrait?” Sunoo asks, making Niki’s eyes widen. Did they find it? He spins around to see Jake and Sunoo looking intensely at an opened copy of The Promised Neverland. Niki had been rereading it recently and knew it was the perfect place to keep the drawing Y/n had given him… apparently, he was wrong.

“Stop snooping through my stuff.” Niki scowls, ripping the book from their grasp (careful not to crinkle the drawing.) “Woah, no need to get so pissy. It’s cool to see your art; you never draw anymore.” Jake says sincerely. “It’s not mine… Y/n drew it.” Niki mumbles, the mention of their name causing Jake and Sunoo to look at each other with a smirk. “Aww cute! He’s using it as a bookmark!” Sunoo gushes.

“You should invite them to come bowling with us this weekend!” Jake exclaims. “Why the hell would I do that? They’d be so uncomfortable.” Niki grumbles defensively. “No, they wouldn’t! Sunghoon’s bringing Gaeul, come on, it’ll be fun!” 

“He’s bringing his dog bowling?” Niki asks, disgusted.

“Not his dog, his girlfriend.”

“I still think that’s really weird by the way.” Sunoo chimes in. “That’s like Niki dating someone named Bisco. Or like you dating someone named Layla.”

“Okay, let’s not judge Hoon for his dating preferences. He’s bringing Gaeul so you should bring Y/n. It’s a great way to integrate them into the group!” Jake attempts to convince him. The thought of Y/n getting involved with his friend group terrifies Niki. The two of them could barely keep it together during lunch - how are they supposed to keep this act up for an entire evening? And if the relationship gets exposed as fake, Niki will never live it down.

On the other hand, he doesn’t want to seem like a possessive asshole who’s gatekeeping his relationship. The guys are already on the fence about whether it’s real or not, keeping Y/n hidden away could only add fuel to the flame.

“Okay… I’ll invite them. But I can’t promise they’ll show. And if you guys pull that same crap you did at lunch we’re leaving immediately.”

“Y/N!”

The sudden sound of their name being yelled through the halls cuts off Y/n’s conversation. Y/n turns to see Niki jogging up to their group. “Oh, hi Riki.” Y/n smiles, the mention of his real name causing the girls to look at each other with wide eyes. “Are you free this Saturday?” The question was unexpected and caused Y/n’s eyebrows to furrow with confusion. Noticing this, Niki elaborates: “My friends and I are going bowling and they told me to invite you… it’s all good if you’ve got plans since it’s kind of last minute but… I don't know, it’d be fun if you could come.” He rambles, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly. Eunchae snorts slightly at the boy's out-of-character shyness, earning a glare from Y/n. “I’d love to go.” They smile, relief washing over Niki’s body as the words fall past their lips.

“You have the audacity to ask Y/n to go bowling and not invite us as well?” Eunchae asks, gesturing between herself and Danielle. “Well, did you want to come?” Niki asks. “No.” The girl shrugs simply. 

“Why would you get upset about me not asking if you were just going to reject me anyway?”

“It’s your punishment for not asking in the first place!”

"Okay, I think we should go before this escalates any further." Danielle interrupts, pulling Eunchae away from Niki. "Are you coming Y/n? Or are you two eating lunch together again?" She continues, her eyes darting to Niki. Y/n looks at Niki for confirmation, causing him to shake his head with a smile. "Go ahead, I've probably been stealing you too much recently… I'll see you this weekend, anyway." He says, ruffling Y/n's hair before turning around to find his friends.

As Y/n turns back to their friends, their eyes immediately roll at the expressions on their faces. "Don't you even start." Y/n warns, their words falling on deaf ears as the two girls begin to awe at the affection they just witnessed.

"That was so cute! He definitely has a crush on you." Danielle teases. "He definitely does not. We have a deal and real feelings are not a part of this." Y/n argues, earning a scoff from Eunchae. "If either of you think that you're gonna stick to whatever rules you planned, you're both much dumber than I thought," She says. "Now come on, I want to get to the vending machine before all the good stuff is gone."

Y/n doesn't go out a lot. Not in a weird way, they just happen to spend a lot of their time at home. And in the circumstances where they do leave the house, it is usually with the comfort of Danielle and Eunchae - not their fake boyfriend and his entire friend group.

"If you start to feel uncomfortable, just tell me and we'll leave, okay?" Niki asks. He had gone through the effort of picking Y/n up from their house (something Sunghoon has insisted all good boyfriends should do) and the two had caught the bus together to the bowling place.

"You don't have to worry about me, just have fun with your friends." Y/n reassures. Their words cause Niki to look at them with a deadpan expression. "Okay fine, I promise I'll tell you if I get uncomfortable." They add, earning an assertive nod from Niki.

As soon as Niki's friends are spotted, he grabs Y/n's hand tightly, leading them towards the group.

"So the lovebirds finally showed up, huh?" Heeseung teases, immediately earning a slap on the head from Jay. "Sorry about him, we're glad you could make it, Y/n." Jay says. “It’s okay… thanks for inviting me.” Y/n smiles politely before turning to the only member of the group they don’t recognise.

"I'm Gaeul, Sunghoon's girlfriend." The girl says, waving slightly. Y/n waves back before turning to Niki, their eyebrows furrowed ever-so-slightly. "Wait, didn't you say his dog was called-"

"Anyway, should we start bowling?" Niki asks, interrupting Y/n’s question. “Come on, let’s go pick our shoes!” He continues, dragging Y/n by the hand.

Since half the group has never gone bowling before, they decide it’s best to split into teams - with Niki, Y/n, Jungwon and Sunoo on one team and Heeseung, Jay, Jake, Sunghoon and Gaeul on another team. Juniors vs Seniors.

“I feel like these teams are a little uneven…” Jungwon points out, looking at the difference in skills between each team. “It’s fine, Sunghoon will bring them down.” Niki laughs, earning an offended scoff from Sunghoon. “Yah! Have you seen me bowl? Tell him, babe.” Sunghoon points, turning to Gaeul for reassurance. “Well… you can definitely hit some of the pins.” Gaeul replies sympathetically. “I’ll show you.” Sunghoon challenges, only making his friends laugh further at his competitiveness.

Y/n quickly finds that they suck at bowling. Niki, on the other hand, is practically a prodigy. He even joked at one point about putting the gutters up and using the kiddy ramp to “give them a fair shot”. His teasing only made Y/n even more determined to get a strike but at this rate, that won’t be happening any time soon.

“Come on, try it with this one.” Niki reassures, walking towards Y/n, a cherry red bowling ball perched carefully between his palms. “Isn’t that one heavier?” Y/n questions, attempting to take the ball from Niki’s grip. As soon as they get a taste of the weight, however, they immediately give it back to the ball. “Yeah, no. I’ll break my wrists trying to use that.” They laugh, patting Niki’s arm before walking to grab their regular ball.

“You can do it, Y/n!” Sunoo cheers. “Y/n, fighting!” Jungwon adds, making Y/n laugh as they get ready to bowl. Y/n gets into position, aiming as best they can before carefully rolling the ball down the lane - mustering as much power their body can handle.

Everyone watches eagerly as the bowling ball rolls slowly down the lane, starting to lean towards the left gutter as it goes along. “Come on, come on.” Niki please quietly, praying he has somehow gained telekinesis that can lure Y/n's ball back to the centre. Although that doesn't happen, the ball does somehow manage to keep out of the gutter, knocking down the far two pins before rolling off.

“I got something!” Y/n exclaims, jumping with excitement. Their team matches their enthusiasm, jumping out of their seats to cheer for their member. Niki runs towards Y/n without thinking, picking them up in a bone-crushing hug and spinning them around as if they've just scored the winning point.

“Yah! Let them hit the rest of them, you idiot!” Jay scolds playfully, a look of fondness present in his eyes. “Okay, if you get a strike I'm gonna throw you in the air.” Sunghoon says bitterly, making Gaeul laugh. “It’s not a competition, babe.” She says, patting his chest reassuringly. “It is now. I'm not gonna let some 17-year-old out-boyfriend me.” He scowls, only making her laugh more.

“Okay, okay, you can put me down now.” Y/n laughs, patting Niki’s shoulder as he lowers them back onto the ground. “You can do this.” Niki cheers quietly, pressing a chaste kiss to the top of Y/n’s head before walking back to his seat.

Y/n can’t do this. It's as if all their luck and bowling skills left their body the second those two pins hit the polished pine floorboards. They miss. By quite a long shot, as well. “Nice try, Y/n!” Jungwon exclaims. “If it makes you feel any better, Sunoo was making you guys lose anyway.” Jake says, attempting to reassure Y/n. “Uh, rude.” Sunoo scowls. “Come on Y/n, don’t let him turn us against each other.” He continues, shielding Y/n from Jake.

Eventually, the bowling comes to an end, with the seniors absolutely thrashing the younger team. No one expected a different outcome - the other team was far more experienced. Jungwon however, claimed that their team had better chemistry and therefore, they were the real winners.

“Niki, you need a ride?” Jay asks, twirling his car keys around his fingers. Niki turns to look at Y/n, unsure of what to do. “Go ahead, my bus is almost here, anyway.” Y/n smiles. Unsure, Niki turns back to Jay. “Nah, I’ve gotta make sure Y/n gets back.” His words cause the boys to break into a chorus of oohs, causing Niki to roll his eyes. “Uh… yeah, I don’t need a ride either. Gotta make sure Gaeul gets back safe.” Sunghoon coughs, causing the group to erupt into fits of laughter.

As the group splits up, Niki and Y/n begin walking to the bus stop. “You could’ve just gotten a ride, you know? I can get myself home.” Y/n mumbles. “What kind of boyfriend would I be if I did that?” Niki scoffs, nudging his shoulder against theirs Y/n goes to remind him that he isn’t actually their boyfriend but for some reason, the words don’t come out.

The peaceful silence of the bus ride is suddenly cut short by a grumbling sound coming from Y/n’s stomach. The two pause to look at each other for a moment, both silently wondering whose stomach it was before their thinking is cut off by yet another growl.

“Sorry… I haven’t eaten much today.” Y/n mumbles, sheepishly, their words almost immediately being waved off by Niki. “It’s okay, we were a bit busy with bowling… did you want to get something to eat?” He asks. Y/n seems apprehensive at his words, looking up to check how far away their stop is. “There’s this really cool sushi place down the street from my house… my treat.” Niki adds, wiggling his eyebrows as he attempts to convince them.

Y/n would be a fool to pass up sushi. Free sushi, at that.

As soon as the sushi roll hit Y/n’s tongue, it was as if the taste had exploded in their mouth. Niki was right to recommend this place, the sushi is amazing. Y/n had largely underestimated how hungry they were.

“Slow down before you choke!” Niki laughs, reaching forward to hold Y/n’s chopsticks away from their face - waiting for them to finish their current mouthful before letting go. Y/n rolls their eyes, shoving another sushi roll between their lips.

“Did you have fun today?” Niki asks, digging into his meal. Although he had tried his best to keep his attention on Y/n throughout the day, being around the boys occasionally distracted him. Hopefully, Y/n didn’t feel ignored. Niki’s overthinking gets cut off by a wide grin from Y/n. “I did! The only people I really hang out with are Danielle and Eunchae… and I guess you, now. So it was fun to get to know new people and do something I haven’t done before… even if I ended up being really bad at bowling.” Y/n says, laughing slightly as they think back at their failed attempt at bowling. “That’s good, I was scared the guys were gonna say or do something and make things weird.” Niki sighs.

“I never really asked… why are your friends so obsessed with you being in a relationship, anyway?” Y/n asks, causing Niki’s eyebrows to furrow. “I don’t really know, I guess it’s because I’m the only one in the group who’s never been in one… unless you count the whole thing with Eunchae.” Y/n nods at Niki’s words. “Any particular reason?”

Niki doesn’t remember the last time someone asked about his love life in a way that wasn’t to tease him. “At first I just wasn’t that interested. I didn’t want to just date for the sake of dating and I was never put in the position where a relationship would naturally happen so I just… didn’t.” He shrugs, the words spilling from his lips a lot easier than he thought they would. Y/n smiles at this, almost like they completely understand what he means. “You say at first, what changed?” They ask sweetly.

The extra question causes a subtle blush to spread across Niki’s cheeks. He considers dodging the question and changing the topic but the way Y/n’s eyes sparkle with curiosity somehow tricks his brain into answering.

“Ah… it’s kinda dumb. Jake was in a relationship with a girl called Lily… you probably remember seeing them around school together.” Niki starts, earning a nod from Y/n. “Well, they were basically like… the it-couple in our friend group. Everyone else would date around, get together, break up but they were consistent. For a while, it felt like they were going to be together forever. And then one day, they were done. Nothing bad had happened, no one did or said anything, they just broke up. And that kind of freaked me out because… they were so in love, you know? And suddenly… they weren’t. I don’t want something like that happening to me.”

Y/n smiles understandingly at Niki as they take in his words. “That’s not dumb, love can be scary.” They agree. “Giving someone your heart and trusting them to not break it… I don’t know how people do it so carelessly.” Y/n admits. “Yeah… I think I’ll just be forever alone.” Niki mumbles, making Y/n snort. “We can be alone together.” They smile, causing Niki’s heart to flutter.

“How many times have I told you that you don’t have to walk me home?”

“Probably the same amount of times that I’ve told you I don’t care. You never know who or what is out here.”

“The chances of me getting attacked are very slim, Riki.”

“And with me, they’re nonexistent.”

Y/n rolls their eyes as their mini-argument subsides, letting Niki win this round. He smirks proudly, nudging Y/n’s shoulder slightly as a silent “I win” before shoving his hands in his pockets.

The pair, once again, find themselves standing outside Y/n’s house. Niki’s feet begin to drag slightly as they walk up the neatly stoned path, towards the front door. He doesn’t want them to go inside; doesn’t want the day to end just yet.

Y/n pauses, almost as if they can read his mind, and turns around to face Niki. “Today was really fun.” They smile. “You already told me that.” Niki teases, earning an eye roll in response. “Just telling you again… thanks for inviting me.”

Smiling, Niki ruffles Y/n’s hair. “You’re welcome. It was way more fun with you there.” Such a simple complement and yet Y/n still feels their face heat up at the words. “I should probably head inside…” Y/n mumbles, turning their head to look towards the door.

With Y/n turned away, Niki leans down to press a kiss against Y/n’s cheek. He’s always been pretty good at timing things but he can’t tell if this is impeccable timing or the worst case of bad luck. Y/n’s face turns just as his lips go to make contact, the feeling of their lips and not their cheek causing Niki’s eyes to widen in shock.

…

They just kissed…

Niki had his first kiss…

And it was with Y/n.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” Y/n gasps, pulling away completely from Niki. They stare at each other for a moment, eyes wide as saucepans, before Niki coughs awkwardly. He turns away to look down the street as Y/n stares down at their feet.

“Oh, would you look at that, my bus is coming.” Niki lies. “Gotta run so I don’t miss it, I’ll see you at school.” He blurts out, turning and practically running back towards the street. Y/n moves just as quickly, rushing inside their house and slamming the door shut behind them.

…

What the hell just happened?

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[darkbluekies]

A oneshot let's see if I do this right, can you do a oneshot of Hedwig meeting the reader? As in the start of it all I wanna see a little mini story of all that

I've got my eye on you

female!yandere OC x reader

Summary: A new students catches the eye of the popular, rich girl and she finds herself falling for you harder than she's ever done before. Hedwig comes up with a plan to lull you in and make sure you'll be hers only.

Warnings: none really, I think, maybe manipulation? Hedwig changes in front of reader (back towards them) but still-

Word count: 2.1k

Senior year. Only one more year until she’s free and gets out of here. She’ll go to Paris. Or Milan. Maybe travel around the world?

Hedwig steps into the classroom and greets her friends. Her father has forced her to go to a normal school to understand the normal people. They’re nice, but she feels like they’re not understanding her in the way her rich friends understand her. Hedwig can’t talk about her life in the same way without getting jealous looks. But she’s come to terms with it now. Her wealth isn’t only negative, she's gotten quite popular by it. If you don’t want her, you want to be her. 

Everything is normal … until she steps her foot into the art classroom for the first time this semester. Someone is sitting in the very spot she normally sits. Someone she’s never seen before. 

“Excuse me”, she says. 

The person — who happens to be you — looks up. 

“Yeah?” you ask quietly. 

“This is my desk”, she says. 

“Oh, I’m sorry … I didn’t know …”

You’re about to take your stuff and leave, but she stops you. 

“No, no, no”, she says. “It’s okay. You can stay. There are two chairs, aren’t there? I’ll sit beside you.”

“I’ll remember it for the next time.”

“Thank you.”

Hedwig's friend has to sit somewhere else. The friend gives you a nasty look before sitting down in the front of the class. 

You start working on your new projects. Hedwig glances over at your self portrait and finds herself smiling. 

“Pretty”, she says. 

“Oh, thank you”, you say quietly without looking at her.

“I don’t know what I should do. I can’t come up with something.” She drops her pencil down on the table. “My brain isn’t working.”

You look up from your portrait and meet her hazel eyes. 

“Why don’t you paint a scenery?” you ask. “That always works.”

Hedwig smiles. “What kind of scenery should I paint? 

You think. “Maybe … a winter landscape? You won’t have to use too many colors and details.”

“Thank you.” She blushes. “What’s your name, by the way? I haven’t seen you before.”

“Y/N, I’m new.”

“Really? No wonder I didn’t know who you were. I’m so sorry for not noticing you earlier.”

She can’t understand how she hasn’t. You’re gorgeous! How has she not noticed you until today? Now that she has, she can’t tear her eyes off of you.

“It’s okay”, you whisper, suddenly embarrassed. “I was actually trying my best not to be noticed.”

“Why?”

You shrug and look away. Hedwig can feel her entire body heat up. She looks down at your hand holding the pen and wants nothing more than to take it in hers. 

“You’re good at drawing”, she says when she realizes that she’s been staring at your hand for a few minutes. Playing it off as staring at your drawing. “It really looks like you.”

“Thank you.”

“Could you help me with mine?”

You nod and turn to her. Hedwig’s holding her pen and you take it out of her hands in a gentle manner that makes her heart flip. Your fingers brush against her hand and it sends electric shocks all throughout her body. She gulps and watches how you help her sketch out an outline of a few mountains before turning back to your own drawing. All nerves in her body are screaming at her to make you touch her again. She can’t understand why she’s suddenly feeling like this, but she knows that she needs more. 

“I-I’m Hedwig by the way”, she says quickly, desperate to pick up the conversation again. 

“I know”, you answer quietly. “Everyone talks about you.”

“Oh.” Hedwig’s suddenly terrified of what you’ve heard about her, maybe people’s gossip has made you dislike her already? She feels a weird longing for you to like her, to give her approval. “What are they saying?”

“They talk about you like you’re a celebrity. They’re talking about your parents and how they think your life is. I’m not really sure, I haven’t heard much.”

“Don’t listen. People are always talking.”

You nod and the situation grows silent again. Hedwig bites her lip. 

“Could you help me again?” she asks. “I don’t know how to do this.”

You give out a small sigh and turn to her again. Unlike last time, you place your hand over hers, guiding her hand and the pen. Hedwig can swear that her heart stops at the feeling of your soft hand against hers. She feels dizzy. 

WHen it’s lunch time, Hedwig asks if you want to eat with her. You nod shyly. You’ve never sat with the popular kids before and you don’t know any of these kids. Only Hedwig and you only met her an hour ago. To your surprise, she barely acknowledges her friends. Her full attention is on you, asking you where you’re from, what made you move here, how your family life looks like, what your interests are, what makes you scared and happy and what kind of person you are. Not a single time during lunch does she look away from your face. She has a sparkling hint in her eyes and a smile on her perfect face. 

The very next day, Hedwig looks up from her desk when you enter the classroom. She’s sitting alone today.

“Y/N, do you want to sit with me?” she asks and removes her bag from the chair beside her. “I saved a seat for you.”

Without answering, you sit down beside her. She’s quick to turn to you and ask you about your morning. 

“Y/N, would you like to come over to my house after school and study?” she asks. “We have a test coming up in two weeks and … I need a study buddy.”

You nod carefully. A bit of help on geometry wouldn’t hurt. And that’s how you come home to Hedwig’s gigantic villa for the first time. It looks more like a smaller mansion than a regular house. A white — almost yellow — Georgian house with lots of details. The entrance to the driveway is a pair of giant black gates to keep unwanted people from coming in. She has a chauffeur who drives her to and from school each day and he greets you nicely, adding honorifics. 

“My parents aren’t home”, Hedwig says over her shoulder as you enter the big hall.

A maid welcomes Hedwig home and offers to take your bag, but you shake your head, too intimidated by the sheer size of Hedwig’s house to be able to think clearly. 

You follow Hedwig upstairs, bag clutched in your hands. 

“This is scaring me a bit …”, you whisper. 

“What?” she asks in worry. 

“All of this … it’s a bit intimidating.”

Hedwig smiles reassuringly. “Don’t be scared. It’s not a museum, it’s a home.”

Hopefully it’s your home too, but Hedwig doesn’t say that.

“Are you hungry?” she asks and opens the door to her room. 

Even her room looks like money. 

“A bit” you admit.”

“Yeah, I noticed that you didn’t eat the school lunch”, Hedwig smiles and. “I don’t blame you. I’ll go tell the chef to prepare something for you, okay? He makes fantastic food.”

“You have a chef?”

“Yeah! You’ll love his food, I promise. He makes the best grilled cheese sandwiches you’ll ever have. I’ll go tell him to make some for you.”

Before you can stop her, she’s already darted out the door. You decide to pass the time by looking around her white room. You find pictures of her and alleged friends on cruises and yachts, her in pools and in the mountains plastered on the wall. This girl seems to have been everywhere. 

“I’m back!” Hedwig smiles and creeps up beside you. “What are you looking at?”

“Just your pictures”, you answer. “Are these your friends?”

“Yeah … they are. I don’t meet them as much because my father wants me to be in a public school with all the other children of our city. They go to a private school together. But I spend a lot of my vacations with them. We’ve been all around the world.”

“I can tell.”

“Do you like to travel?”

“Who doesn’t? I like to explore new places, but it costs a lot to go somewhere.”

“What’s your favorite place to visit?”

You shrug. “I haven’t been to so many places. What’s yours?”

“I really like Paris. It’s a beautiful city and they have such tasty food.” She turns around. “Should we study a little?”

You nod. You sit down at her desk and bring out your calculators.

A knock on the door interrupts you. It's the chef with the grilled cheese sandwiches. Hedwig thanks him and brings the plate over to you. Two perfectly grilled sandwiches are placed on the porcelain. Your mouth waters. 

“Bon appetit”, Hedwig smiles. “They’re all yours.”

“Thank you”, you say shyly but you don’t dare to touch them. Somehow you feel guilty.

“Y/N, are you okay?” 

“Yes … I just feel weird for making your chef make this for me.”

“It’s his job, don’t worry about it. Eat up now!”

This time, you dare to pick it up and take a bite. Heaven has granted access to your mouth.

“I told you it was good”, Hedwig smiles. 

You eat while you study and when you’re finally done, you notice how much time has passed. 

“It seems like you’ll have to stay here overnight …”, Hedwig says and the next sentence she says is nothing but a great lie. “The last bus has gone and my driver has finished for the day. Can your parents pick you up?”

You shake your head. They wouldn’t be pleased to drive you at this hour. It only makes Hedwig smile. Perfect. 

“You can stay here, my bed is big enough for two”, she says. “Just send a quick message to your parents and tell them that you’ll stay here.”

You sigh and do as she says. Your parents send you a heart back. They’re only happy that you’ve made a friend. 

You eat a delicious dinner in the kitchen made by her chef. It hits you that you haven’t seen her parents at all, but you don’t question it. From what you know about her, they’re busy.

When you’re going to bed, Hedwig walks over to her walk-in closet to grab herself a new pair of pajamas for both you and her. One of them being in your size. To your great surprise, she turns her back to you and removes her clothes. You gulp and try to look away in embarrassment. 

“S-Shouldn’t you go into the bathroom to change?” you stutter. 

“Why?” she asks and turns around. “It’s my room. Besides, if models can change in front of twenty people they don’t know … I can change in front of one person I hold dearly. But if you want to change in the bathroom, it’s down the hall. If you want to take a shower, there’s a white towel for you hanging on the hook.”

It sounds like she has planned this. Because she has. 

You do take a shower before you change into her pajamas and return to her room. She’s lying in her bed, scrolling on her phone. 

“We have to be up by seven tomorrow”, she says. “Otherwise we’ll be late to school.”

You nod and walk around the queen sized bed. This feels so wrong somehow. You’ve never shared a bed with someone before and especially not a beautiful girl who changed in front of you fifteen minutes ago. Hedwig turns off her phone and lies down with her front facing you. You try to mirror her motions and soon you're both lying down, facing one another.

“Goodnight, sleep well”, she smiles and turns off the light. 

Her fluffy sheets and soft mattress lull you into a deep slumber. Hedwig, however, can’t seem to be able to close her eyes. She’s staring at your features, wondering how she got so lucky to get you here. Her plan worked! She’s a genius! Soon, you’ll agree to be hers and these kinds of nights will be a recurring thing. Soon, she’ll dare to wrap her arms around you as you go to sleep. She’ll be able to kiss you and give you everything you want. 

Oh, Hedwig can’t wait until you’re fully hers. Then, no one will be able to take you from her, because what Hedwig wants, Hedwig gets … and so has it always been. The ones that cross her always get shoved aside one way or another. 

“You’re mine, my wonderful little Y/N”, she whispers and lets her fingertips brush over your cheek. “I’ll treat you so well, I promise. I’ll make sure you’re safe and happy. My beautiful Y/N.”

[thewhumpcaretaker]

Well here I am ehehehe >:]

Santino having a breakdown and he breaks stuff around him, whatever he grabs and well accidentally hurt himself. John tries to calm him down and help him AGHH JOHN GET YOUR MAN HE IS HAVING A BREAKDOWN

Just get everything sharp or that can break away from him when he's like that, see what happens 😭

Hello hello! I’ve been thinking about this scenario all the time, ever since your asks for “Salt in the Wound” and “A Slap from a Saint”!! I made it really sad, like those fics.

🖤💙 The Boy in the Picture Frame 💙🖤

TW: panic attack, crying, accidental self-harm, blood, past physical and emotional abuse by a parent, discussion of disownment

John had spent all afternoon texting, in between pacing around his living room. He was trying to keep his lover talking - giving in to his flirting and doing anything possible to make him laugh. Santino was upset by a mistake he'd made the day before during negotiations with a Ruska Roma representative. The man had tricked him into boasting about the ferocity of his forces, revealing critical information about how security operated for the Camorra in New York. It was a rookie mistake, made because he was running on high emotions and little sleep, and Santino was taking it hard. It could mean punishment from the Camorra.

So, when John looked down at the screen and saw, "I'm sorry I just can't keep talking right now. Something came up, but don't worry," he froze.

Was it too much to call? Santino probably just wanted to be alone, and if that was the case, he'd be annoyed. But...well, better annoyed than hurt if things were really bad.

The shaky voice on the other end did nothing to encourage him. "John, please. I have someone on the other line. I just...he's really angry with me."

"Who? ...Your father?"

"I can't - I...." He switched to the other call again and was gone.

Suddenly, John found himself in his car and found that the speed limit was a mere suggestion.

They didn't live so far apart - Santino had chosen an apartment close to his boyfriend on purpose, and even gave him a second key. But by the time he burst through the door, it was already too late to stop Santino from getting hurt. John made his way through a trashed living room, stepping around overturned chairs and over glass from a broken picture frame, and calling Santino's name without any response.

He noticed, with a bittersweet twinge in his heart, that their photo together from Santino's birthday at the beach was the one thing that seemed untouched. Santino had chosen instead to destroy a family portrait, including both his parents, a young Gianna, and his own chubby face at four years old. Looking more closely, John noticed a smear of blood across the edge of the frame. He had torn out the picture, heedless of the jagged glass, and ripped the image in half...straight through little Santino.

A muffled, wounded sound in the bathroom distracted John from the horrible sympathy that was threatening to crush his ribcage. "Santino?" He ran to the bathroom door. It was unlocked and there, finally, was his lover - although the sight of him couldn't be called a relief. He was sitting on the ground against the wall with alarming red droplets glistening all around him and a messy bandage trailing from his hand. The only reason he wasn't actively sobbing seemed to be the shock of John's sudden entrance.

"What - John?"

John dropped to his side, not knowing what to say. He felt huge in that room, as if he might crush Santino further. His hands hovered over Santino's shoulders, wondering whether it was okay to touch him, before Santino just collapsed against his chest and started crying even harder.

"Thank you," he managed after a few minutes. "Thank you for coming. And look at the thanks you get in return... I got blood all over your shirt." He laughed hollowly.

"It's okay." John took his half-bandaged hand and felt him wince. "Sorry." He started unraveling the gauze. It was a pretty deep cut in Santino's palm, probably from grabbing carelessly at the broken picture frame. At least it didn't look bad enough to need stitches, but Santino was incredibly tense at every touch.

"You don't have to do that. I can do it myself."

"I know. But I don't want you to have to do that anymore." They'd talked about this - how it brought back bad memories for Santino to treat his wounds alone, as he'd had to do in childhood.

"I'm sorry, John. I was so stupid."

"No." That was all, a simple rejection of the very idea that any of this was Santino's fault. John didn't trust himself to say more without getting angry - not even remotely at Santino, but at all the people who had failed him throughout his life. He kissed the finished bandage and then looked up at Santino's anguished, watery eyes. "Do you have another copy of that picture?"

Santino hesitated. "It's on a flash drive. I think Gianna has it. But I don't want it anymore. I think..." He took a deep breath, on the verge of saying something crucial. "I think I'm not a part of my family anymore."

"What? What do you mean?"

"Well...my father asked me to come back to Italy. He said I'm failing out here in New York, and he wants me to come back immediately. And I'm not doing that. Fuck him." He laughed, and it wasn't so hollow this time.

John couldn't help grinning. "Good."

"Good? That's all?" Another laugh. John could feel him getting stronger in his arms. More at ease. "You really never say anything, even at a time like this. I'm still getting used to it."

John thought for a moment. "No, it's not all. I want to know why you ripped through the picture of your own face instead of theirs."

He tensed up again. A long time passed before he spoke, but John had promised never to judge him. Always to listen. So, finally, he extended some trust. "I fucked everything up. I was broken from the start. I was weak. That's why he..."

Again, "No."

A mocking reply, dripping with stubborn, defensive sarcasm, "Yes." John could hear the wavering undertone. Really? Do you promise? Say it again.

"No. You were hurt. It's not on you. They lost you and not the other way around."

The reassurance was too much for Santino and he crumpled against John's chest again. For a while, John held him, listening to his sobs and to the dripping sink. In his rush to try to patch himself up, he must not have shut it off properly. He must have been struggling. John wove his fingers deeper into his hair, trying to massage self-love straight into his brain.

"Do you think Gianna will still talk to you?"

He huffed and pulled back again, tired but finally calm. "...Maybe. In secret. Who cares?"

"Well, I still want you to get a copy of that picture if you can."

"Why?"

"I want to cut out the little Santino and frame him by himself, for my mantlepiece. He was the good part. You are the good part. Not the rest of them."

[1000dactyls]

I wanna know if you have any thoughts on Valka and Sroicks parenting and how that affects hiccup? Because I'm loving so much of your content rn, especially your drawings!! But when I see stuff like Tgirl Hiccup while I think they would be supportive, I don't think they would be ... the best because their not really the best. Like ofc they tried even Val when she came back, but it doesn't and won't ever make up for everything else it's so complicated, and nuisanced would love to hear your thoughts!!

Im going to break this post into addressing stoick and valka separately because valka is such a non-entity in hiccup and stoick’s familial life. valka’s section will be underneath the ‘read more’

But I definitely agree! Unfortunately for Hiccup (and also not to project ijbol), it’s so hard because stoick’s best isn’t enough. Oh, stoick tries! He tries so hard — between the movies and the shows, he so clearly cares for his son. But he can never be just Hiccup’s dad; Stoick is the Chief of Berk before he’s Hiccup’s father, and both he and Hiccup know that. Hiccup grows up self sufficient and is used to a lonely home. The kind of free reign that he gets (and the resulting knee-jerk reaction he has to any kind of responsibility after 15 years of said free reign) doesn’t make for great conditions to cultivate a healthy, loving, traditional parental relationship

Still — i think stoick is more supportive than we give him credit for, at least going off the RoB/DoB characterizations. (Again, I haven’t finished watching RTTE, so Im not gonna speak for anything there.) When Hiccup makes moves for more freedom and responsibility, even as early as s01e01 “How to Start a Dragon Academy”, Stoick works with Hiccup to grant him that freedom. He makes attempts to connect to his son, albeit misguided and inevitably circling back to his own interests/role as the chief of Berk and not just Hiccup’s dad. For example, s01e07 “How to Pick your Dragon” shows Stoick ending up listening to Hiccup about getting a dragon, even though he mostly gets a dragon because it further suits his interests as a chief, which he realizes on the flight Toothless and Hiccup take him on. Which also leads to the core conflict of the episode! Because Stoick’s attempts to understand Hiccup are ultimately rooted in his own narrow perception of the world, that there is a Right way and Wrong way to do things, and Hiccup’s way is most definitely not the right way.

But Stoick listens. Over time, he picks up the signs when his child is frustrated and genuinely asks how he can help (s02e15 “A Tale of Two Dragons” 3 options talk). And after the events of the first movie, Stoick makes more attempts to involve Hiccup in his going-ons, such as the portrait of the chief’s family or contacting Johann to find a beloved childhood plushie. So i think stoick tries, and his best isn’t enough, so thank god hiccup isn’t dependent on only stoick and the both of them know this. And just because the both of them know this doesn’t mean that stoick doesn’t try to improve their relationship at all. In the end, he’s just really set in his own ways and his own traditions.

So in a world where Hiccup is trans, I do think Stoick is supportive no matter what direction Hiccup ends up going. Is he confused? Yes, always, because there isn’t a very established tradition even if Berk does have a history of trans folk. I think stoick has to try really really hard, and he messes up a lot in the beginning. Like, you know when your parents are trans affirming in a really weird and even insulting way? That happens a lot for Hiccup and Stoick. But they work together and Stoick works to try and get on Hiccup’s level, whether that means sending terror-mail to Johann to inquire about trans literature or gender-affirming clothes or dialing Gothi to move Hiccup’s t/e prescription to the front of the line.

……..argh, Valka.

Of course Valka tried when she came back, but the conscious decision to stay away for twenty years and miss some of the most important milestones in your child’s life says a lot, and I think Hiccup also knows that. Especially because of how similar they are, even though Valka would immediately accept and adore and absolutely love Hiccup and all his Hiccup-ness right off the bat… I think he’s aware of how different and better his life could’ve been with Valka’s understanding presence. In the end, one parent stayed and tried their best. And one didn’t really try at all, not until they reconnected again.

And like! I dont think Valka and Hiccup would ever be as close as Stoick and Hiccup were. Like it is one thing to idolize your parent in absentia and build up this idealistic wholesome perfect image of who they are, getting your characterization from their partner who never got over them even after 20 years. And it is another thing to meet that parent and realize… wow! They also don’t measure up to what I needed them to be as a child.

And so for all of Valka’s understanding, for all of the easiness it is for Valka to understand Hiccup, especially in a world where Hiccup is trans — it’s not Valka who had to deal with the bureaucracy of Hiccup’s gender change, nor aided in the social transition for people Hiccup has spent his entire life with. It’s not Valka who asked uncertain, blunt and somewhat invasive questions about Hiccup’s new identity, or found weird and strange ways to support it. It’s not Valka who would’ve gotten an entirely new wardrobe commissioned or talked to Gothi about medical transition.

Like, I think Valka tries, and it’s easy for her to understand the idea and support Hiccup. But i dont think she’d ever be Hiccup’s first choice when it comes to questions about who s/he is, not when there are people who stayed and tried much harder than her, and know far more about Hiccup than she ever did and maybe will.

[little-cereal-draws]

Details I noticed in Nimona pt 2

In the opening narration, when we first see Gloreth in the scrolls there are words behind her that read "Salva nos" which translates to "save us." When she stabs the monster there are words that read "mori" which translates to "Death."

One of the newspapers on Ballister's innocence wall reads "Black Heart Out There"

When Nimona bangs on the tower door you can see her shadow under the door

The first time we see the circular saw in the tower it's off. Then it turns on just so Nimona can lean on it. Then it's off again

Nimona wears a black pair of glasses when she asks Ballister about the job while reading the newspaper. She drops them on the table but wears them again as an otter after the second fight at the Institute

When Ballister is screaming "Murder him, murder her, murder everyone!" Nimona sees Ambrosius first. She looks between Bal and him a few times before Bal notices

Back at their hideout, when Bal looks over the couch to see Nimona cooking, he looks around like 'uhhh...' a few times

The item Nimona classified as most deadly was a HUMONGOUS chainsaw. The chainsaw gets moved around the tower a bit but ends the movie on a top shelf in the alcove

In the top left of Nimona's updated murder wall, there's a drawing she did of a design for Ballister's arm. It's shooting fire and is labeled, "Literal firearm." Next to it is a self portrait she did

When Nimona suggests maybe there's nothing outside the wall before they go to the market, Ballister blinks and actually considers it for a second before deciding that's wrong

Nimona's right (our left) fang is bigger than the other

The sign in the subway projecting the train arrival times said that the C to Marketplace arrived in one minute, the Q to Castle Cross arrives in six minutes, and the 6 to Victory Ave. arrived in ten minutes

When Ballister tries to convince Nimona it's "easier to be a girl" during their subway ride, there's a poster behind him that says, "Put Your Faith in the Institue." I love how unsubtle they were with their subtext in this movie lol

When they go up into the subway air vents to escape Ambroisus, Nimona beats her chest once in gorilla form

The highlights in the squire's eyes are pentagons. I know ppl have done metas abt what the eye highlights mean but idk how pentagons fit into there

While trying to stuff the squire's unconscious body into their trunk, Ballister drops him. On his head

The bandage that Bal uses to heal Nimona's knee is the bottom of his cape, we see him tear it off while she's talking. Also the bandage has increasing amounts of blood on it as he wraps it. It's still not very much but it does increase the longer it's on there

After coming back to the tower from the second fight at the Institute, Nimona almost hits Bal in the face with the door but he catches it at the last second

On top of the wooden case where the Director was hiding Ballister's real sword is a huge old book. It's in a glass case that she rests her hands on while talking to "Ambrosius." Again, I love how obvious they were being with this movie; she's hiding the weapon that she used to kill, frame, and exclude people to preserve oppressive tradition under smth that looks exactly like a medieval Bible. They were not subtle lol

When "Ambrosius" dies, there's blood on his armor and the sword. Not very much but you can see it

One of the citizens watching the news about the Director's confession is an old lady. She's got a couch, a tv stand, and two framed pictures of chickens on her wall. That's it; the rest of the room, like behind the TV (which is in the middle of the room for some reason??), is completely empty. I just thought her chicken pictures were funny lol

When Bal and Ambrosius are arguing in the Antlered Serpent, Bal says, "You know what? You are so full of-" And then he gets cut off by the waiter, so we'll never get to hear him finish that sentence

Also in that scene, there's a portrait of the Queen behind Ambrosius but nothing behind Ballister. Again, they're using the environment/background to show where characters' loyalties lie

Nimona's got a little pink and white circle on the bottom of her boots. You can see it when she wakes up on the couch and when she jumps off the balcony in the Director's office. I can't get a good image of it but I'm guessing it's some kind of logo

In the flashback with Gloreth, Nimona is pretty shy and reserved until she can use her shapeshifting. Then she's chatty, she's fully engaged in the games, and she just looks so much happier. She knew she could trust Gloreth and wasn't worried about hiding a key part of her identity. She shapeshifted and then she was free (ignore me crying)

When Nimona turns into the big shadow monster at the climax, the initial transformation destroys the well where she met Gloreth. I'm sure there's some symbolism in there but I'm leaving that for someone else to figure out lol

When Todd crashed his hoverscooter, he went all the way through the billboard. I thought he just hit it but no, he made a giant hole

When Ballister shows up to the city for the final sequence, the "A New Era of Heros" billboard is burning behind his right (our left) shoulder. Again there's probably symbolism in there but I'm leaving it to someone else

When Bal's sword hits the ground after he drops it off Gloreth's statue, it turns off. It's the first time in the movie where it hasn't been glowing. It really drove home that he's done with the Institute. He's not carrying it, it's not even on. He's helping Nimona

Ambrosius tries to carry an unconscious/severely injured person off the wall as Nimona's flying at it but he puts the person's full weight on his injured shoulder. Bc he's big brain like that

The scene where Bal and Ambrosius kiss is actually on top of the wall. Maybe that was obvious, but it took me forever to realize. They've turned it into a park and have made it accessible to the public. Also it looks over the entire Kingdom and it's HUGE! I've seen people worrying about how they fit all those people in the walls but it's actually ginormous

pt 1, pt 3, pt 4, pt 5