#i hope to use the stuff i learned to make more intentional choices in future

[raphaelderberry]

so this is probably my best digital painting yet!

reference image is from here (x) I have no rights to it and make no money from this.

[yeloenk]

i want to apologize more formally for answering the anon who gave me a false list of proshippers.

ever since making a post asking proshippers to please block me (i had some who were following me), people have been anonymously sending me some lists of proshippers/controversial people in the UTMV fandom.

i have answered a few, but only those that were calling out proshippers that have actually confirmed to be proshippers.

when i received this ask in particular, i just saw someone giving me a list with no ill-intent behind it. so, without giving much thought, i replied to the ask.

my intention with this was to let others know who to block/avoid; not to harass, witch-hunt, etc. i am aware that these kinds of lists can encourage this behavior, which i take responsibility for. i genuinely apologize for using my platform in this way—even if it was done unintentionally, it was still wrong of me to do.

this being said, i do NOT stand for harassment in any way, shape, or form. even if it is directed towards proshippers, that is no way to solve the real issue. proshippers need help, they do not need more reason to need help. purposefully going out of your way to stalk, bully, send threats, or ANYTHING of that nature is wrong.

i made my first apology in a panicked rush, once i saw people telling me that the anon was spreading misinformation. however, in that blog, i did not acknowledge how my actions could have harmed people listed (especially ones who were listed falsely).

if you were affected in any way by my response to this anon, i apologize personally to you. please know this was not my intent: even if you are a proshipper, my only thoughts regarding that ask was "hey! cool, a free blocklist."

everyone is human, and nobody should be treated this way. although i think proshippers are morally wrong, and need help/therapy, they are still real people behind the screen. real people affected by your actions: mine included. the best thing you can do in the situation of seeing a proshipper is blocking them instead of instigating interaction.

i will no longer be doing anything like this again now that i am taking into consideration that some people are using these lists as witch-hunt lists. i should have checked all of the names before replying, especially since the list included no proof whatsoever. in the future, i do promise to be mindful and very cautious when addressing topics like these, especially when it comes to checking facts.

i do hope i can be forgiven, but i understand if not. i understand my actions have consequences, and i understand i was in the wrong taking a hand in spreading false information and encouraging harassment.

the purpose of this apology is to acknowledge what i did wrong, learn from it, and move on. and, to clear up why i replied to the list. keep in mind that it is not an excuse for my actions, but a reason for them. i still made the choice to answer this ask and not at least clarify to block them instead of harassing them.

to the anon who sent that ask: do not spread false information, please. it only hurts those who are involved, nothing good comes out of it for either side.

one more thing i wish to add:

to the grown adults sending me asks, insulting me: what is wrong with you? i am a 16 year old. i am going to make mistakes. it's a part of life, a part of learning. if you seriously think you're doing good by being nasty to a kid on tumblr because of a stupid choice they made, you further strengthen my belief that proshippers need help.

there's also been people just blatantly insulting things about me that are unrelated to the situation as a whole? my art, for example. please stop.

i don't want my blog to be focused on drama, so i'm not going to post much at all about stuff like proshippers anymore. i'll probably just be sharing art for the most part.

[gatitties]

Hello hello! May I request Female!Teen!Reader x Strawhats, Kid Pirates and Heart Pirates? All are Platonic! The reader has the power to change, well, everything. Past, present, future, people's behaviour and appearance, animals, history, and more. But she can't change the memories of the people or their feelings. She's kind of like the author in their universe. Able to rewrite and write in general. Everything she writes comes true. But with every change she makes, it takes a day off her lifespan. She can only use her power three times a day, and if she uses it for more than three times then it takes 1 year off her lifespan. She is careful though, and hasn't used it for more than three times a day her whole life. And another thing! Everything she rewrites or writes in general, is tattooed on her body. It just appears after she's done changing stuff. So eventually other people discovers this, in some way. People who don't have good intentions. It didn't really bother her for some time because, well, she can just write/rewrite the enemy's ship route or weapons and stuff so that it will not lead them to her. Until the day she used her powers three times a day already and there was an enemy that got too close. A strong one, stronger than all of the crew combined. So naturally it put her and her crew's life on the line. The enemy didn't give the reader a choice, she HAS to come with them. They plan to kill her crew, even the ones that aren't capable of bringer her back from the enemy. Better safe than sorry. With no other choice, the reader uses her powers again to get the crew to safety and take the enemy down. That's two changes, two years off her lifespan. That's the first she used her powers for more than three times a day. She'll do anything to keep her friends (or chosen/found family) safe and sound. They have big dreams and a bright future ahead of them after all. Except, instead of returning back to the crew, she left. That's the most logical thing to do, isn't it? That way her crew will be safe. She's a danger to them all. But she knows even after she leaves the enemy will still use them as hostages. So she changes the news' content to that being her crew abandoning her because she was a danger to them. That's not true, of course. But some lies just have to be said. So now her crew will spend the next 8 months chasing her down to get her back to them. I'll leave it to you with how will that go and what the aftermath will be like. Thank you and have a nice day/night!!

─Strawhats, Kid Pirates & Heart Pirates x teen!fem!reader (platonic)

─Summary: Even with the power to write and rewrite the course of your life and the lives of others, bad things are bound to happen.

─Warnings: none

─ You are quite aware of your power and what it entails to have it, despite not being the most mature person within the crew, you recognized certain limits and did not waste many of your opportunities to re-write something.

─ However, you are still a teenager, a little careless to use your power one day in the hope of being able to spend a good time with the crew without anyone interrupting, the problem was that it ended up not being a calm day like you thought.

─ You tried to solve the problem by taking a year off your life, however the enemy ended up with you at their side, you could see Luffy's desperate look and Zoro's furious one, everyone seemed dejected when they took you away.

─ An exhaustive search began to find you, and at first you used your power to write some things so that they could find you, hope persisted in you, however, when you saw how they were damaged to find you even with your help, you changed your mind drastically.

─ As much as it hurt you, you didn't want to go back to them, because you learned that danger would only loom over them if you were by their side, you didn't want to see the scared expressions of Nami, Usopp or Chopper, you didn't want to see a Sanji or Robin wounded, you didn't want to see Franky, Brook or Jinbe receive an attack to protect you from danger.

─ Of course, rumors about you spread like wildfire, before you could go unnoticed, but due to the abuse of your power that you had done lately, practically your entire body was tattooed with the events that you changed.

─ However, this crew will not give up until you return to them, they do not care about the dangers they have to go through, the threats they have to face, you are part of the crew and you should not be going through this.

─ You try to get them away by changing the story plot, but it seems that their feelings are stronger and more immovable than your powers, your captain doesn't give a shit about temporarily abandoning his dream of being the king of pirates if it is to rescue one of his comrades, there is no way they will leave you behind, especially now that they know that your name is recognized at such a young age.

─ You fight as much as you can with the temptation to use your powers to annoy the crew a little, they also encourage you to do some stupid things with them, but Killer will always make you keep a cool head, he knows that you can easily get carried away by your naivety sometimes.

─ You are always a great support, that's why they were quite aware that if someone discovered your powers you would be a target, and even though Heat and Wire did everything possible to protect you, they kidnapped you.

─ You were completely scared because in your state of hysteria due to the kidnapping you lost at least two years of life, you were too scared since you had never reached that extreme.

─ But as the days progressed and you saw great pirates, thieves and even marines come and go, you realized that now you were not just a simple carefree teenager in Kid's crew.

─ You knew that Kid is a proud idiot, and that he wouldn't let one of his comrades be kidnapped just like that, so you heard a lot about him causing chaos wherever he went to find you.

─ You tried countless times to change his route, to make them not find clues about you, but the redhead's fiery determination and the support of his companions meant that your efforts were not enough to keep them away.

─ They could feel that their journey was complicated, that their clues sometimes reached a dead end, they knew that it was you trying not to expose them to more dangers, but you should know them better.

─ These savages enjoy seeing blood flow like rivers, that now your name was known were only advantages to overcome themselves in increasingly difficult duels, even if you don't want to fight against that, you shouldn't worry because they will be ready to attack like mad dogs defending to their offspring.

─ Law makes you aware of how beneficial and dangerous your abilities can be and strictly prohibits you from using it more than three times, as you can sometimes be careless or capricious without ever knowing how valuable a life is.

─ Although everything went to shit when they came under attack and took you in the middle of the fight, Shachi could see it with his own eyes but he couldn't do anything, he saw you fight but give up due to the excessive use of your power.

─ They will take their time to find the little clues you left, although from the beginning you were reluctant to let them find you due to the exposure you have now gained in the pirate world.

─ It bothered you a little that, even re-writing things, your friends were still so persistent, but Law was not going to let someone so young be used as an object of benefit for your powers, he knew that they would end up killing you for the excessive use.

─ They came close to making you return to them on a couple of occasions, but you had to look ahead and deny the offer to return to the crew, you couldn't look because you wouldn't be able to bear seeing Ikkaku look at you sadly.

─ You become a little desperate because they don't seem to back down from leaving you to your fate, although you may have freed yourself from your captor at first, many other people are also looking for you now.

─ Shachi, Penguin and Bepo are constantly after you, begging for you to come back to them, it's too difficult for you to contain yourself because you miss them too.

─ Law ends up dragging you to the Polar Tang like a scolded puppy, you didn't usually act like a brat despite your age but during this whole situation you managed to irritate him, just stop trying to carry all the weight, they are there to support you and it's not like if they didn't know how to get rid of problems.

[swearyshera]

Alright, some of this is hitting me in a way that neither of us could have expected. I talked with you earlier about Entrapta's background story hitting me hard with some things I've been through... Okay, now you've got discussion between Catra and Glimmer about Angella's demise, which neither of them actually expected. Little aggravations at a loved one, little memories and deseprately wanting them back. Glimmer chooses to believe that it was a sacrifice on her mother's part in order to hold it together. *Sigh* - this is very personal. I just lost a loved one, a very close family member also best-friend, a person I had a unique geeky bond with and it's the kind of bond I'll never have again. He was the third member of my tiny little found family and we had him up for holidays and that's never happening again. We learned of his death yesterday and I've just been going through Hell. He was young and it was sudden - he had some health issues, but it was still unexpected. It wasn't a heroic sacrifice, but there are things I need to believe about it to hold myself together. I'm flashing back to Entrapta's seeing a tear in space-time to know what's on the other side. I remember what canon did and what you're looking forward to doing to a cruel fundamentalist version of a god while I'm flashing back to some of my old religious trauma hard right now - as in, I'm really, really hoping the fundies / evangelical circles I used to be a part of aren't right and have been outright Hordak-style *threatening* God to do the right thing by my loved one, possibly sealing my fate if there is a Hell and being glad of it. This portion of the script is coming at the "right?" time for me? Wrong time? I am hoping I can find some catharsis in it? Anyway, I do apologize for any reblogs I do in the near future in which I blubber all over your posts. I'm holding steady, but it's probably going to happen sooner or later. _freedfromthegalactichivemind

@freedfromthegalactichivemind Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I would always say that looking after yourself is the most important thing, and if any of my posts do bring up stuff that makes it more difficult for you, please do take a break. I'm the worst person for "deal with stuff by totally immersing yourself in it", and that doesn't always work, so do take it slow and be kind to you. This goes for everyone, too.

There's a few things that I have taken to quite a raw level in these last two seasons and I've come out of the comfort of non-stop silliness in order to have a more meaningful impact on people. But I don't do it to hurt, these stories will ultimately become ones of comfort and power. I've expanded on Prime's zealotry to be a more bare-faced depiction of the anti-LGBT rhetoric that we're seeing worringly often in real life and how weathering it seems insurmountable - but he will be defeated by people who stand fast and remain true to who they are, people who will never ever let those like him win. I've also leaned in pretty hard to Catra's fragile mental health, not because having her talking about how she wants to kill herself is shocking and spices up the story, but because I want to have her reach that lowest point multiple times and still fight for a life that she wants to live. I've been there, as I'm sure many people reading this have - it's messy, but it is not the end.

So yeah, I make the choice to invoke difficult things that might hit some of you quite hard, but I do it with the love and intention to show that perseverance through adversity is one of the hardest, most rewarding things any of us can do. (Also, I know some of this can get quite personal, you're welcome to blubber at me through DMs if you prefer).

We're gonna win in the end.

[espytalks]

Plant update!

So the squash was an absolute failure! The one successful squash it gave me got eaten up by bugs before i could harvest it, and then the whole plant started getting overtaken by pests. I actually didnt notice untill it was too late, cause i wasnt checking on the garden everyday.

Ive also been getting depression episodes, for lack of a better word, and it made it really hard to care about anything. Ive never had seasonal depression before, and im not sure if thats whats going on or if the loneliness is finally getting to me, either way its making it hard to clean the house and take care of everyone, myself, and my plants. Im doing what i can on my good days, and trying to make myself make better choices to get myself out of these dark spots. It aint easy when im doing it alone, but i played minecreft with my friend last week and it helped me a lot.

Secondly, back on topic, because i havent been out, i hadnt noticed that some seeds i must have dropped sprouted! Those mexican sunflowers are growing stong and fast! ...right where its in the way. I feel bad, but im gonna have to ask someone to mow em down. But maybe i can save the seeds from that first flower, and put em somewhere more intentional?

And lastly, i harvested some lettuce, basil, and some mint. I used the "cut and come again" method; by cutting out the outer leaves, it keeps the center heathy and growing. I pulled up the smaller lettuce plants entirely, though. Theyre not gonna provide a whole lot, and itll (hopefully) leave space and nutrients for the larger ones to flourish.

I rinsed em all and layed em out to dry. Its not enough lettuce for all three of us, but it'll bulk up the ceasar salad kit i bought, or itll be my lunch in the near future. Or i could be underestimating how much i got and it could be plenty. Im learning a lot about this kinda stuff.

Im hoping i can make a little pesto with the basil ( ive been wanting to try it, its new to me) and i dunno if the mint's enough to make tea out of, but ill try today.

So.. ive been struggling, but plants like to grow, time keeps going forward, and im still here. I forgot to water everything, so im gonna go do that, and hopefully i still feel ok the rest of today.

[electricbluebutterflies]

Helnik + wearing matching Christmas sweaters

Apparently I have a college-AU continuity for these babes. PG-ish, pre-relationship, and also on ao3.

This is possibly the worst thing that has ever happened to him.

See, this is why this… heavens, describing this squad of assholes as a friend group feels like a stretch a lot of the time, Matthias questions his sanity every time he has to deal with any of them for more than thirty seconds, but the dynamic has grown on him like some kind of predatory fungus. For whatever reason they’ve all figured out that no one else in the world or at least the county will put up with their respective bullshit, or something, and against his better judgment he almost loves all of them.

In one case, more than almost, but she’s on really thin ice at the moment.

Nina is, to put it politely, a problem. Nina is constant manic energy and sass and the opposite of every set of words Matthias would’ve used to describe the Ideal Woman four months ago before she happened to him, and Nina has decided for some godforsaken reason that her Christmas present for everyone in the group needed to be matching sweaters.

Not the intentionally obnoxious kind marketed for that purpose either. Oh no. These abominations were clearly marketed to the type of people who think rowing is a sport (it isn’t, thank you) or at least have pretentions to that effect. That part, at least, Matthias can understand. He doesn’t do the preppy aesthetic but there’s a flow to it, fine, weird choice for the intended recipients, but…

The focal point of these wearable horrors is, well, antlers. Tasteful fair-isle antlers placed to make the shoulders of the wearer look more dramatic than they are.

Like, it’s clearly an optical illusion when Inej – smallest of their group but not by much, she and Jesper do live in each other’s wardrobes but he has maybe an inch of that measurement on her – looks more like a linebacker than an individual of her build ever has in human history. Choices were made. No one else is visibly complaining. Nina is…

Nina has managed to get everyone into the damn things, and Nina looks very pleased with herself, and Matthias is both unimpressed and headfirst in love and-

“Just put it on for three minutes,” she says. Somehow she manages to make the preppy antler nightmare sweater look almost seductive – hers fits differently than anyone else’s, Matthias thinks, probably some intentional sizing choice there – and his momentary desire to take it off her has very little to do with the design choices. “I want pictures.”

“For what, future blackmail?”

She leans in and kisses his jaw because that’s easiest for her to reach, and this part he knows is normal, this part is how she is with everyone and he can’t dare hope she’d rather kiss him somewhere else and also there’s going to be sparkly red lipgloss on his face for a good while and he is not removing the mark until he has to. “Maybe?”

“Why did you do this, exactly?”

“Because I have no goddamn clue how to do holiday stuff and this seemed like a fun cliché to try out,” she says, almost laughing. “And after the turkey incident, figured something less edible would be appropriate.”

“Yeah, if you could never set my apartment on fire ever again…”

“I’m not even sure how that happened.” She’s still too close, looking up at him with big eyes like she doesn’t realize the effect she has on people even though he’s known her just long enough to know she’s completely self-aware. “Please. Put the sweater on and stand in the back of a few selfies and watch somebody break the tripod before we manage to take a decent Christmas card picture. For me?”

“Fine. For you.”

That’s the annoying part, Matthias thinks as he takes off his (not-horribly-colored) jacket and puts on the sweater and oh if there is nothing else good about this experience at least he’s learned that Nina can be trusted to buy clothing for other people. He’d do anything for her. Even worse things than this. And there is no doubt in his mind, as Nina maneuvers everyone into decent positions for the DIY photoshoot she is apparently determined to do, that there will be worse things ahead.

These are his people now. Maybe someday he’ll get used to them.

[11919815125]

3/27/24

in regards to the phone call about the future/my ambitions

i think the reason it strikes a nerve when you bring stuff like that up is because like. my entire self-worth is built on choosing to accept my shortcomings rather than fight them or feel shame about them. when you're upset that i "don't care" it's because it was a choice that i had to make in order to cope and survive. when i was 24 years old, i was living with my parents, unemployed for almost a year and a half, no intent to use the degree that i went thousands of dollars into debt for, smoking weed every day, barely even leaving my bedroom, no goals or ambitions. i was a fucking loser. i couldn't look my parents in the eye because i saw disappointment looking back at me. i cut off almost all of my friends because i didn't want them to see me like that. the embarrassment of it all nearly drove me to suicide.

i had to decide that it was okay. that i didn't need to be successful in the ways other people define it, that i didn't need a career, that i didn't need to make my parents proud, that i didn't have to be special, that i didn't need people to like me, that i didn't have to achieve my dreams. i just needed to survive and try my best to be happy; anything beyond that is just a bonus.

it's not that the things you're asking me for are unfair, but they pop that bubble. they knock down the jenga tower i've stacked up so carefully. caring so much about those pressures and goals and ambitions genuinely ruined my life and almost ended it, and now you're asking me to make them a priority again, and suggesting that if i don't it's because i don't care enough about you or that i don't care about myself.

i feel that i am successful!!!!! with my worthless degree and my shitty kitchen job and everything i have going on now!!!!! this is not failure to me! i am so unbelievably proud of myself! i am paying my bills, living independently, working full time, doing my best to maintain the relationships i have, traveling when i can, cooking delicious meals and trying new foods, going out and making memories on the weekends, spending so many of my days with you. that's a life that's worth celebrating and i really hate that you seem to see it as the bare minimum. of course i can do better, i can invest more into the things that matter to me.......i just don't know if those are the things that matter to you.

saying that "a career is not a priority to me" is really the polite way of saying, "i do not want a career, and if i can find a way to keep living my life without having to do that, i absolutely will." you dedicate years of your life building marketable skills, going to school, interning, networking, busting your ass and stressing yourself out to get...what? your life looks exactly the same with a little more cash in the bank and a few more rooms in your apartment. it's so cliche but i really really don't care about the "rat race." i don't feel the impulse to keep up with other people, i don't value most of the things that you gain from playing the game, and i definitely don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks about how i choose to live my life.

i value freedom, autonomy, authenticity, and honesty above anything else. i value working as little as possible while still being comfortable and happy, and maximizing the time that is mine and mine alone. i value the people that love and embrace me and being able to share this life with them. i value experiences over anything material; nice houses and fancy dinners and expensive clothes and flashy gifts mean absolutely nothing to me. i want to go bungee jumping, i want to see the northern lights, i want to visit every country in the world, i want to cover my body in tattoos and sleep under the stars and get married to somebody i love and learn to play guitar and create beautiful things with my bare hands and hope that one day i wake up and see my life as a beautiful thing too.

and you wanna ask me about a fuckin job lol

[somnambulants]

make me your future

summary: set during black widow. Yelena walks into a bar. A bar you happen to work in.  word count: 1.6K

“Do you believe in love at first sight?”

Groaning internally, you roll your eyes at the line, not even bothering to look up at the person who’d said it.

Who even uses pickup lines anymore? Seriously?

“Not in the slightest.”

You continue to clean glasses behind the bar. Lining them up neatly one by one. Whoever it is, they can wait.

You’ve been working at this bar for about a year and a half since you’d moved to the city. It’s a decent job. Not what you’d pick if you had a choice, but you don’t hate it.

You have your favorite customers, too. Some of the regulars. The old man who shows you photos of his grandkids while nursing a beer. The woman with the fixed business-like expression who gives you an exorbitantly large tip every-time you bring her a glass of the already crazy expensive red wine she drinks.

Perks of working in a moderately upscale establishment known for it’s discretion for under the table, not strictly legal activities means you’re fortunate that the majority of your customers are nice and quiet and stay to themselves.

Well, usually anyway.

Clearly not everyone had gotten the memo.

“Weird,” the person doesn’t seem to sense the hostility in your voice, sliding onto the bar stool in front of you. You can detect a faint accent as they continue, more flirtatiously: “Me neither. Well...not until I saw you, at least.”

Raising an eyebrow at their boldness, you finally look up, ready to give them a piece of your mind and promptly lose the words that were forming on the tip of your tongue.

The woman in front of you is your type; so your type that your type doesn’t even describe how much of your type she is.

“Does that ever work on anyone?” You finally force out. You don’t know why you’re saying it; clearly it works. It’s working on you right now.

The woman shrugs. “I wouldn’t know,” she says, propping her elbows onto the table to rest her chin in her hands and looking at you intently. “Never tried it before. Is it working?”

Heat flushes up your neck under her gaze as you scramble for something to say. “Can I -- Can i get you anything?”

Her voice turns playful: “Your number?”

Twisting your lips to hide your smile at that, you also duck your head a little. “I meant anything to drink?”

“Oh,” she frowns a little, thinking. She doesn’t look offended by your clear diversion. “Water, I guess?”

“You’re not from around here, are you?” You can’t help yourself from asking as you slide a glass of water across the bar to her.

Her accent is puzzling to say the least. You’d say slavic of some kind for sure but she has hints of almost American inflections every now and then on some of her words.

It’s intriguing.

She gives you another smile, leaning in closer. “Visiting family,” she confirms. “My sister and her partner just moved here with their kids. She’s a science teacher.”

“That’s sweet of you to visit,” you say. “You must be close.”

She shrugs, taping her brightly painted nails along the rim of her glass. “We were as kids. Now not so much but we just reconnected recently.”

As she takes another sip of her water, you let your eyes linger on her face.

There’d been something about her words as she’d said them. Something that makes you think that her story isn’t as truthful as she’s making it out to be. Or maybe not at all.

Just a hunch of yours.

A lot of the patrons had stories like this they’d recount for you when you’d asked about anything even slightly personal - before you’d learned not to ask; stories that sounded like they could be true but more than likely weren’t.

Or weren’t the whole truth, anyway.

This bar was well known amongst those who needed to know that this was the place to go if you wanted to lay low. Or pretend to be someone else.

“And thankfully for me I came to visit,” she adds after downing the water, getting that playful glint in her eyes again as they snap back to your own. “Because here you are.”

You can’t help but laugh this time. She’s just so effervescently charming without even trying. “Yep. Here I am.”

You continue talking for what feels like only minutes but must be much longer; just about random stuff. The woman is surprisingly easy to talk to and adept at steering conversations to the point that you end up on the most obscure topics more than once.

When you look at the clock at some point, you’re almost blown away to see half your shift has gone by just talking to this woman whose name you don’t even know.

As if sensing where your thoughts have gone, she introduces herself. “I’m Yelena.”

“Y/N.”

The woman -- Yelena -- chuckles. Not unkindly. More like she thinks what you’ve said is amusing for some reason. “I know,” she says and you frown a little until you see her eyes on your name tag, which is pinned to the front of your shirt. 

 “Oh,” you say, a little embarrassed. “Right.”

As you turn your head, trying to hide the flush you’re assuming is creeping up your neck, you also notice the line of people in front of you that must have accumulated as you’d become distracted by her.

You groan. “Ill be right back.”

You serve faster than you’ve ever served. Practically throwing the drinks at all the patrons in your haste to get back to her in worry that she’ll get bored and leave eventually.

When you finally make your way through all of them and turn around, you find her seat still occupied and her in the same spot as before. Your heart does a backflip in relief.

“Sorry,” you say breathlessly as soon as you’re back in front of her, not really sure why you’re saying it, only sure that you are really sorry you’d had to leave her side. 

Yelena waves a hand, unbothered as she tilts her head towards you. “It’s fine. You’re cute when you’re flustered, you know?”

You freeze, not knowing how to react. “I  --”

This time, she outright laughs at your reaction, which leaves you no doubt looking even more flustered than before. Her eyes glowing with almost-childlike glee as she grins at you teasingly. “See? Cute.”

“Oh yes,” a voice drawls. You turn, only to find the voice belongs to a weirdly familiar looking red head, who is eyeing you up and down with an unreadable look on her face. “Just... adorable.”

“This is Natasha,” Yelena says, looking between you both. “My... sister. The...science teacher.”

Oh. 

So the sister is in fact real. And the sister is also looking at you with a knowing look in her eyes. 

She most definitely doesn’t look like a science teacher. You’re sure science teachers probably don’t walk around clad all in leather. Or look like they could snap you in half. At least none of the ones you’d ever had.

You’re also pretty sure that science teachers don’t also double up as members of the avengers, but you don’t say anything to that fact.

You do however recognise the black widow as soon as you see her. She’s pretty unmistakable, after all. 

“Oh,” you say. “Can I get you a drink?”

As you ask, you pretend you don’t see the tail ends of the way Natasha is mouthing the words: science teacher? to her with clear quizzicality. Or Yelena’s clearly unbothered shrug in response.

Natasha inclines her head at your words. “No. Thank you. I think we better get going, actually. Yelena?”

Yelena’s lips form into a pout. “Already?”

Heart sinking down to the soles of your feet, you pretend to fiddle around behind the bar as they seem to have a silent argument with their eyes in front of you.

It ends with Yelena rolling her eyes with a little huff. Reaching into her pocket to grab a couple of bills and stuff them into your tip jar, she gives you one last smile. Her smile is so infectious that you’re helpless to do anything but smile back, trapped under her spell. 

You don’t know how she managed to do it but in the tiny amount of time you’d spent around her, she’d had you almost convinced that love at first sight was a thing. 

And that you were it’s next victim. 

And because of that, you’d never forgive yourself for what happens next. You’re distracted for a brief moment, pulled away to serve another customer as they both continue to converse silently and then when you turn back around, they’re both gone.

No sign of Yelena. Or her sister. It’s like they’d vanished into thin air.

You scan the room multiple times but come up empty.

She’s gone.

--

(You lose hope pretty quickly that she’s ever going to come back. A week goes by. Then another. And another.

Nothing.

Months pass by with nothing and slowly, you start to forget you ever met her. Well, not quite; you never get out of the habit of looking at the door at work every now and then hopefully but you stop expecting anything after a while.  

Until one day it changes.

You’re in the middle of serving someone and just as you hand them their drink, you hear a voice you’d assumed you’d never hear again come from behind you.  

“So...do you believe in love at first sight yet?”

You turn around so fast you’re surprised you don’t get whiplash.

There she is.

It’s definitely her. She looks a little different, her hair a little longer. But it’s definitely her. That smile is hers.

You grin back at her.

“Go out and come back in and i’ll tell you.”)

[lets-talk-spirituality]

Let’s talk about: So you’re new to spirituality

I’ve watched for awhile as people have gotten scammed by gurus, looked to some reader for godlike information, and seen readers who over-identify with their gifts and let it go to their head, especially with what they say they can do. Readers are people too and they have ego issues like we all do. So today I want to welcome you to read more about how to engage with spirituality if you’re newer to it or just maybe you feel like you’ve been falling into these traps.

Okay so like are spiritual readings like palm readings and stuff real?

Yes. To an extent. Readers only pick up on the current path you’re on and the potential future that aligns with that path, if they are a gifted reader that is. They may even be able to help you see upcoming forks in your path and other potentialities based on decisions. Some are gifted to help you learn more about your soul path. What they say is not be all end all. It is meant to guide and help you. It is not necessarily predicative. I have found few people who can actually predict things and those I’ve found who can, it’s usually very sporadic what they can predict. Spirit shares messages that need to be shared through people who know how to channel (I’ll do a post on channeling) but if you have learned anything here, I hope it’s that spirit is vague and uses metaphors because the point of life is not to follow some pre-determined plan you know and get right, it’s to discover the plan as it unfolds and hold faith in the unknown, letting control go so life can flow.

Red flags to watch out for

- anyone who claims they can tell who your exact soulmate or person is, they may pick up traits but they can’t say for a fact who your person is. They may confirm to you and a partner that you are twin flames or soul mates or whatever but only through the presence of both your combined energies in the same space. Like you and your partner go to a reader together. Anyone who claims otherwise, I’d say be very careful with them. Those type of claims are designed to lure desperate people for a reason.

- someone who teaches about changing your physical appearance through manifestation. Babies, I know this isn’t fun to hear, but spirit doesn’t give a fuck about beauty standards and norms and you were born how you are, even looks wise, for the purpose of growth. If you are born in a time period where you aren’t conventionally attractive, you may be meant to work through a lesson around self worth. You can use spirituality to help you make choices to take better care of yourself, for example, which may lead to changes in your physical appearance or changes to your energy may allow others or yourself to perceive you differently, but that’s the extent of it. You can’t magically manifest a different nose shape.

- people who overly identify with their power and talk about being more powerful than others, or who seem to react strongly to people disagreeing with them. To me that indicates their ego is in the way. Be careful around readers who act like what they say is fact or go out of their way to continually prove their correctness. Truth-intentioned readers don’t prove their correctness, spirit does. Usually people who genuinely channel, pick up what they pick up, and spirit will confirm through those insights being proven right.

- anyone who reaches out to you directly or asks for money. Most readers don’t find you, you find them, or are led to them.

Tips:

- please develop discernment, listen to your own insight and voice first. We are all allowed to have different perspectives and truths because the universe is expansive. If something in a reading or if information feels off to you, you don’t have to believe it. I’d encourage you not to and to use that as an opportunity to look deeper into the subject yourself.

- spirituality is a tool for the self, if you continually go outside of yourself, using divination tools or listening to others insight, you can drown out your own voice. It’s important to distinguish between listening to others for growth and for understanding, vs looking outside yourself for answers. It’s okay every now and again but if you find your emotions are heavily invested or you’re spending countless hours listening to others, I’d encourage you to check in with yourself about why.

[juleswolverton-hyde]

Not by the Moon | 07

Genre: Smut, Romance, Strangers to Lovers, Drama, Tragedy, Werewolf AU, Supernatural AU, Bookshop AU

Pairing: Bookshop keeper!/Werewolf!JB x Reader

Warnings: A philosophical slant, (heavy) angst, Werewolf!Jaebeom being absolute hubby material, Werewolf!Jaebeom being awkward and (a bit of a) pervert, domestic fluff, talk of medication, apparently werewolves don’t like to wear clothes (what is my canon...), talk of life and death, mention of blood, mild swearing

Summary: Every story has a purpose or goal it is dedicated to, their authors at times going to great lengths to see the project they once started to completion. Nevertheless, the things the writers swore on to see their latest art piece to completion are static.

Unchanging.

None of them swore by the Moon nor Love because they can solely genuinely swear on all that changes like themselves.

And yet, a wolf in love foolishly swore by the moon.

That is when Time truly started ticking.

Author’s Note: This chapter is from Jaebeom’s POV.

Well, here it is, earlier and much longer than originally planned. It’s also a lot more tragic and philosophical than I intended it to be, but then again, what else can you expect from a tragedian fascinated by the human condition even as it is translated into the realm of the magical?

I think I just thought of the modern literary movement I might belong to: magic realism.

It’s a crying shame the Decadent Movement isn’t active anymore, though, because that one truly feels like a good fit for me both as an author and an individual. Ah well, c’est la vie.

Previous Chapter / Next chapter

Masterlist

There is nothing better for a wolf than being with its mate. 

Well, there is one thing.

Having them completely at your mercy as you’re inside them.

I still don’t understand what the plastic wrapping is good for, but Jinyoung was very insistent on using it while we drove to the airport. And Y/N seemed glad I had whatever it is, her scent even betraying a hint of relief. However, one day, I hope she’ll tell me not to use it.

No, that’s not right. There’s a word for the… whatever it is.

A condom.

That’s the word.

I hope she’ll tell me not to use a condom. It doesn’t matter whether I’m in season or not, although the chances she’ll pup are higher if I am. I want pups with her, a little pack of our own. I want it to be our toddler running around the park, chasing its sibling. Then again, will I remain human long enough to see them grow up?

Will I even remember their birth on the day they’re born?

Will I still be here?

Or remain without a family, a proud bloodline?

I slowly open my eyes, blinking a few times to get used to the sunlight bathing the room in a warm golden hue, swallow hard and force myself to calm down. There is no use in contemplating this now, not this early in the day nor in our time together. What counts is that I’m here now with Y/N in my arms and we’re in her apartment somewhere.

A faint whiff of brine seeps in through the air cleaner filter above the window overlooking the city. A gull flies by and lands on the roof of the building opposite ours.

Sea. Rusted metal. Right, the old harbour.

A high-pitched noise, a disquiet hum followed by a sigh, makes my ears perk up. I look down at the lady sleeping on my chest, curled up and fingers balled into small fists similar to a bunny’s paws. More importantly, however, she’s perfectly alright and was only unconsciously trying to get more comfortable.

A breathless chuckle rises in my throat at the display. Y/N’s adorable even when she’s fast asleep, her lips parted yet not enough to allow drooling.

I, on the other hand, am another story. I don’t do it often, but I must have been so tired last night I triggered the habit. The finger I swipe over the corners of my mouth comes away wet both times.

Oh no, I didn’t drool on her, did I? Would she mind, though, if I explained it’s a sign I’m comfortable with her?

It isn’t hard to guess the answer to the question. She would beat me over the head, likely with a shoe, and say I’m not allowed to bite her at all anymore. Not even in the future.

In a hurry to discover whether I made the fatal mistake, I check her messy hair but keeping my movements controlled to not wake her up. Fortunately, there are no locks sticking together nor a trail running down over the side of her face.

With a deep sigh, I slump further down into the bed again and kiss her crown. However, I don’t go back to sleep despite the comfort of the sheets. Instead, I lift the lady’s head and gently put her down on the pillow as I get up, carefully calculating every movement like I do when hunting to make sure she won’t wake up or notice my absence in her unconscious state.

The faint smell of burned iron comes from somewhere when I rearrange the sheets to bundle Y/N up. My mouth dries up, throat blocked by something I can’t swallow as a familiar stench disturbs the morning happiness. Former intentions abandoned, I claw through the sheets to try and discover where the rank odour comes from.

Did I hurt her? Is she bleeding? Why is she bleeding? Where is it? Where’s the blood?

As suspected, the frantic search wakes the pretty lady. Propped up on an elbow, eyes half-closed and brows furrowed, she turns to me. “Jae, what-’’ she yawns, “What’re you doing?”

Barely has she asked the question or I find what I’ve been looking for.

On her side of the bed, between her thighs, is a puddle of dried blood.

Where did it come from? Did I… Did I do this?

I grab her by the shoulders and pull her close to check her condition, turning her this way and that as each thought grows more troubled. “Are you okay?” There’s nothing to see on the bare skin of her upper body. “Are you hurt?”

Maybe the wound is somewhere lower, on her hip or leg. I didn’t bite her last night. Right? I didn’t hurt her. At least, I don’t think I did. No. Surely the wolf- I wouldn’t harm her. I had enough control to prevent that from happening. Yes, that’s the case.

But then, with a fading mind, how much can I trust myself?

“Jaebeom, I’m fine. What are you- ah.” Y/N notices the spot of dark crimson when I pull the sheets completely off the bed and toss them aside. She lets out an incomprehensibly careless chuckle, evidently oblivious to the gravity of the situation.

“What are you giggling about? Y/N, you’re bleeding!” I bark, lost.

A small paw cups my cheek, her thumb caressing the skin in an attempt to calm me down. “You took my virginity. It’s natural to bleed a little when that happens.”

“Are you still in pain?” Even though it’s natural, surely it’s not without repercussions. Otherwise, the stain wouldn’t be there.

“No, I’m not, silly. I’m okay.” She kisses the tip of my nose when I let out a whine, unhappy with the response. Withal, a curious tone in her voice overtakes my own displeasure. “Are you?”

Why do you say it like that?

She sounds weird, hinting at something I’m supposed to find as obvious as she. Yet, I have no clue about what it can be. So, I tilt my head and stare blankly at her, waiting for an explanation. “I’m fine.” 

My choice of words makes her visibly flinch despite the effort to hide it. The sleepiness which glazed her eyes evaporated, leaving them devoid of the amusement at my failure as a human. The recognizable sour note of anxiety creeps back into her scent, setting off alarm bells in my mind. “I’m alright. No pain. Happy to be here. Happy to wake up next to you.”

I rub her arms in a poor attempt to make her calm down, have her scent return to its spring-like fruitiness. She is supposed to smell like fresh fruit still hanging from the trees, yet to ripen. Not like fallen fruit beginning to decay in the summer sun.

“Okay,” is all she says in response before she pulls away, the absence of the warmth of her palm sending a cold shiver throughout my body.

The world always seems a little colder without her.

“Want breakfast?” A low grumble pierces the silence following the question, giving me enough of a response. And a reason to get my head, no, that’s not the idiom. To get my thoughts ordered. Organized. To get my thoughts in order? To think about… stuff. Last night. This. Everything. “Never mind. I’m making you breakfast. You have to eat.”

I stand up and head for the bathroom to first get rid of the weird plastic wrapping she put on me last night. Having thrown it in the bin there after a bit of an awkward struggle removing it, I move to the kitchen. Nevertheless, I don’t start preparing food right away. Instead, I pick up the grey hoodie I gave her from the bag between the sofa and chair facing the kitchen. I remember how she held it up to her nose, breathed in and basked in the scent.

My scent.

A fragment of last night’s memory.

I remember we had sex and that she told me I’m her first, but afterwards things are blurry.

Smell. I said something about how nicely she smells. Not really an original compliment since I’ve said it a lot already, but I can’t help but focus on it.

And then…

Then…

Then instinct took over because I let it, thinking I’d remain in control even though I let go a little. After all, I’ve learned enough to know how to deal with the wolf inside thanks to the rehabilitation procedure Jinyoung put me through and supervised. Since then, there’s been a healthy balance between human and beast in my mind.

Or, rather, there was one.

I think.

Another boundary to watch out for. I have to keep myself in check. No more experimenting.

Because to do so is to forget.

And I want to remember.

 I stop absent-mindedly thumbing the piece of clothing, drape it over the armrest of the sofa and head into the kitchen to make breakfast. Unfortunately, the fridge quickly brings my plan to a halt, empty except for a pack of soy milk and a tray of eggs. The groceries Jinyoung and I got were only enough for dinner last night and there are no leftovers.

To be fair, she did just come back from a trip abroad. But still, is there really nothing to work with?

I sigh in defeat and grab the plant-based milk to pour it over the apple and cinnamon granola I find in the cupboard above the sink. At least it’s food and drink in one meal.

From the drawer next to the oven, I grab two spoons which I put into the bowls, grab the hoodie from the couch and return to the bedroom.

Y/N sits with her back turned to me, but flips around a little too fast for my liking once she hears my paws approaching. “Jaebeom?”

The terrible mixture of barely suppressed horror and genuine concern in her gaze has translated into her voice, which is cold and calculating. The sour note of anxiety hasn’t faded from her scent, creating a stone to sink to the bottom of my stomach because there’s only one thing that can be a distressing factor this early in the day.

Me.

Withal, the reason why she’s scared puzzles me since I haven’t done anything out of the ordinary. I’ve simply been me since I woke up.

Human.

Although, that’s me now.

Last night, I don’t know who or what I was though it isn’t hard to guess.

The pretty lady traces the deep indentation in the headboard of the bed with her fingers bent to resemble a claw. “Did you do this?”

Did- Did I? No. I- I don’t know. I was less strict with myself last night and don’t remember much, but surely I wasn’t gone enough to do this.

I hope.

I think.

I’m not sure.

But the reality provides the necessary evidence to repute any kind of denial I can offer.

I set the bowls down on the nightstand and crawl back on the bed to sit next to her. Gently, I nudge her hand aside to mimic her action, my own fingers perfectly fitting into the large gash. “I don’t know.”

A surge of violence shoots throughout my body, triggering the nagging feeling of a forgotten memory strong enough to knock the air out the lungs and split my skull with flashes of a memory. Nevertheless, the fragments pass by too fast to make sense of them and the mere attempt to do so worsens the headache. I flinch and scramble backwards with a paw- a hand pressed to my head as if I can thus suppress the pain. Yet, I remain unable to look at anything but the damage.

“I don’t know,” I repeat, my voice hardly louder than a scared whisper.

“I felt your skin move beneath my fingers last night,” Y/N starts, catching my attention with the timid response suggestive of requiring more explanation.

Exactly what I don’t have since I can’t even explain it myself.

This shouldn’t be happening.

“I think I did, at least,” she adds doubtfully on a shivery breath. The sourness sweetens to doubt instead of anxiety. Nonetheless, it’s still worrying she’s ill… uncomfortable.

“Did I-“ I swallow hard, forcing out the words describing my worst nightmare. “Did I transform?”

“Transform?’’ She briefly turns her gaze from me to the indentation, lips parted in an attempt to articulate a thought that’s dismissed with a headshake the second thereafter. Her attention returns to me, her expression slackened. ‘’What are you- What… No, you didn’t, but you looked far away. Retreated further into your own world, more so than you normally are.”

“That’s good,” I mumble, nodding as I, too, briefly return my attention to the claw mark. “Was human. Good.”

Still, need to talk to the weird-smelling intruder. Doctor. Friend. Name, his name. Jinyoung. Jesus, man, get yourself together. Your name is Im Jaebeom. You’re a twenty-eight old werewolf that- no, who runs a bookshop called Paper Souls. Jinyoung is your friend, doctor and supervisor appointed to you by... by... some organization.

“Jaebeom,” the pretty lady puts her hand on my shoulder, features softened instead of frozen and marred by fear, “have you taken your medication yet?”

The natural fruity undertone seems forced to be stronger.

You should be scared. I might have- I made that claw mark. Why treat me like a human? I’m a wolf.

“Me- Med-“ The strange word barely registers until a spark of humanity recalls its definition. “Medication. Pills. No, I- I haven’t.”

“Let me grab a glass of water and get them.”

She ruffles my hair, jumps off the bed and rushes out of the room. I listen to her bare feet lightly treading the floor as she moves on the other side of the wall, hurried steps going from the hallway, where she rummages in my coat for the rattling bottle of pills, to the kitchen. There, she opens a cupboard to grab a glass. The loud clinking of glass alongside the sour undertone in her scent indicates she almost accidentally caused several to fall out and break on the tiles. Fortunately, judging by the deep sigh of relief, Y/N could prevent it from happening.

She turns on the tab, fills the glass with water, turns the tab off and walks back into the room.

“There you go,” she says, handing me the small brown bottle and water. 

The mattress dips a bit when she sits down next to me with one of the bowls filled with cereal in her hands. After stirring the spoon around like she is trying to evade something, Y/N finally takes a first careful bite. Nevertheless, she starts eating properly after I kiss her temple, which is an apparently effective form of encouragement. I have to remember that. 

Quietly seated in the golden sunlight, we have our first breakfast together. I don’t mind her watching me as I’m taking my medication, measuring out the amount Jinyoung told me to take. Or, rather, as much as the label notes I should. Immediately my gag reflex is triggered when I put them in my mouth, the taste of bitter metal extremer than before so it’s like licking one of the rusted over buoys drifting in the harbour.

He’s increased the nightshade and silver. Damn, I think even the worst coffee tastes better than this.

“That bad?”

“Yep.” I open and close my mouth, nauseous due to the sickening taste lingering on my tongue. To prevent the bile rising in my throat from escaping, I gulp down the water. Unfortunately, it only washes down part of the bitterness.

She holds up a spoon with milk-soaked granola to feed to me, but I turn it down and shake my head. I might actually throw up if I eat anything right now. 

Disappointment flashes across her face, though it’s gone in an instant as she puts her bowl down and stands up. “Hold on, I’ll be right back.”

“But... food,” I meekly offer and point at the half-empty bowl on the nightstand. She should put herself before me. 

Because I’ll be fine.

“We’re missing something important. Coffee,” the bunny-like lady playfully responds before she bounces off again to the kitchen.

The pleasant and slightly sweet scent of instant cappuccino warms the apartment, replacing the sharp scent of frozen water alluding to hail later on in the day. It’s a little early in the year, but soon the first snows will fall.

Hopefully, she’ll move before then so we can spend Christmas in her cottage. Although, it doesn’t even have to be the holidays. I’d light a fire, drape a blanket over our shoulders and keep Y/N close to warm her with mine as we read and look at the snowfall.

Like a snowflake falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling before our eyes, so we pass through life. At this rate, I think the next snowfall might be the last I’ll see.

Consciously.

Meaningfully.

Like a human.

The snowflake will faintly fall on the man I am, descend on the husk I’m becoming, while she will continue living.

Without me.

The living and the dead.

I smile wistfully until the same shot of pain treks through me as when I tried to fill in the gaps of the fragmented memory. Folded in on myself, cold sweat on my skin and short of breath, I press my palms against my snout to push the agony away.

The pained groaning must have alarmed the pretty lady because she rushes to my side and pushes one of the mugs in her little paws… hands in mine. “Here, take a sip. The caffeine will help.”

As told, I nip at the hot beverage. Indeed, the cappuccino lessens the headache and cold shivers that ran down my spine and threatened to spread. Though I dislike instant coffee, it actually tastes good when she prepares it. I sigh in relief, blow on the coffee to cool it down, and slowly drink it while Y/N caresses my jaw and ear just the way I like it. At the same time, she comforts me with her soothing voice, murmuring words of solace and assurance as she sits down next to me again. 

I could listen to you all day. Maybe I should ask you to read to me sometime. Although, not maybe. I’ll ask it later. Note to self, write a note on your phone to ask her to read to you. Also, make note of kissing her temple.

My reverie is broken up by a comment which rubs me the wrong way. “I have to go to the office later today-’’

“Already? You just got home.”

“They’re counting on me, Jae. Besides, I’m not that jet-lagged.”

“It’s not healthy. You should stay home. Rest,” I bark. Her eyes widen, taken aback by my bluntness.

She opens and closes her mouth, planning to say something yet deciding against it. Instead, she tugs my ear. “I’ll be fine. And you have your shop to look after, so let’s both work hard today.”

“Still,” I take another sip, “I don’t think you should go.”

“As long as I have caffeine, I should be able to manage. How about this? I’ll come to your shop as soon as I’m done with work and cook for us. We’ll have a cosy night in like we had last night.”

“Last night was ‘cosy’ indeed,” I murmur, hoping she catches on to what I’m alluding to.

“It was. I really liked it.” Her lashes flutter with the memories of last night, cheeks tinged pink. Unfortunately, the heartstopping girlish giggle is short-lived and becomes serious too soon. “But while I did, I think we shouldn’t do it again so soon.”

“Agreed,” I respond, mind occupied by the ripples of transformation and the splashes of pain wanting to remember something significant only communicated in incomprehensible flashes.

Distorted.

Like the memories of the forest.

I need to call Jinyoung. He needs to know.

 “What shall we eat tonight?”

The change in subject is welcome, but also a confusing bridge to cross. How can humans go from severe to casual without a care? The aspect of communication has me furrow my brows as I try to work out the mech… work… nuts and bolts behind it. Nevertheless, I answer the question. “I thought you had a plan already.”

The corners of her mouth curl up into a cat-like grin. “I have no idea, so that’s why I’m asking you. You’re a better chef than I am.”

“I’m not that good,” I murmur, my ears lowered like a shy pup. “But I’d like something we can make together.”

“Pancakes?”

“Yes!’’ I bark, leaning in and grabbing the sheets to contain the excitement at cooking together. ‘’Yes, I’d like that!”

A flicker of doubt passes over her face, hesitant in the way she tends to be when it concerns food. However, a second later, she taps me on the nose with a content hum. “Pancakes it is.”

While Y/N showers, I clean the dishes and pull the sheets off of the bed so she can bring them to the laundry. Although, maybe I could do it myself. I’d have to text Jinyoung for instructions since he always does mine, but even then it shouldn’t be too difficult. Humans do laundry all the time. It’s part of their routine and if they can do it, so can I.

I hope.

As I’m making the bed and contemplating the process to get at least the blood stain out of the fabric, my mate walks back into the room. Her wet hair is bundled up in a towel that’s smaller than the one wrapped around her body. The addition of the scents of cherry blossoms and matcha to the blend of summer fruits drives me dizzy as she moves to the wardrobe.

I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help looking as the towel falls to the floor to reveal her naked body. An appreciative growl unconsciously rises from my throat, a surge of heat culminating between my legs.

Just one more time. I’ll keep myself in check. Behave. I’ll behave.

“Jaebeom,” cheeks flushed, Y/N glances over her shoulder, “don’t even think about it.”

“Sorry,” I mumble as I shuffle to her side to help her put on her bra by closing the clasps. When they click in place, I place a kiss between her shoulder blades, feeling her shiver against my lips. “I know what we agreed on.”

I wrap my arms around her waist and let my head rest on her shoulder. Eyes closed, I try to keep a clear mind as she scratches me behind the ear.

“It’s not necessarily... that.” Her voice is light, wanting to move past the concerns of last night with humour. “It’s rather the thought I wouldn’t get to leave for the office at all if we go back to bed.”

“You’re right.” I decide to play along, if only to give us both some peace of mind. So, I bury my nose in the side of her neck, nuzzling her and earning myself a bird-like giggle that spreads a nice fuzzy feeling inside. “I wouldn’t let you go. We’d read the day away with coffee.”

“Tea, in your case. Doctor’s orders. I don’t want you bouncing around the place. You’re my calm, well, sort of calm bookish wolf. Not a supercharged husky.”

It’s a lame joke, but nevertheless makes me laugh.

“What will you wear today?” I ask, glancing at the clothes on the hangers.

Here and there, there’s a colourful item in the collection. Withal, the majority of the items are mono… one-toned... black and white items to be switched up with a dark-shaded checkered blouse.

My attention drifts to the long white dress with lemons. The fabric is on the thin side, which makes it suitable for summer or a warm spring.

I’d love to see you in that dress, if only just once.

She pouts her lips. “I was thinking about grey high-waisted jeans with a black button-up shirt and ankle boots.”

“Wear my hoodie,” I whine, upset my… my girlfriend. That sounds nice. My girlfriend. It makes me upset that my girlfriend doesn’t plan on wearing one of the things I gave her. “You like the grey one, right?”

“I do, but-’’

“Then wear it.”

She sighs, shakes her head and turns around to look up at me. “There’s something like a dress code at the office.”

“Don’t care.” I nudge her nose with mine, bark lowered to a woof to persuade her to go with my choice. “You’ll look better. More pretty.”

“If you put a pair of boxers on, I’ll wear the hoodie. Deal?”

“But they’re uncomfortable. I only wore them because Jinyoung told me to.”

“Then I won’t wear the hoodie.” Little devilish will-o’-the-wisps light up her eyes as the corners of her mouth curl up into a taunting grin. “Shame. Now my colleagues won’t get to see I have a boyfriend.”

The tables have flipped since I’m apparently not the only one who’s good at using their charms.

Nevertheless, reluctant to start a fight over this, I let out a compromising chuff. “Okay, fine.”

Humans and their clothes. I like yours, but you’d look even better in mine. Still, I’m only doing this because I want every male at your office and in the city to know you’re mine.

No matter what size they are, clothing is a thing I absolutely haven’t missed. Notwithstanding, to please my mate, I wriggle myself back into the tight short trousers and the loose pants to wear over them. Y/N gives me a warning look when she sees me fumbling with my shirt, hopefully missing out on the obvious clue I secretly hope she’ll let me off easy.

Of course she doesn’t.

“Yes, Jae, also the shirt,” she chastises me like a mother disciplines a rebellious pup. “And the shoes. You don’t want other people to call the cops after seeing a naked man in the streets.” Unaware of the fact I can hear her perfectly even as she mutters under her breath, she adds. ‘’Or me to pick you up at the police station because of it.’’ 

Amused by the funny image the fantastical scenario creates in my mind, I relent. “Yes, ma’am.”

Once we’re both dressed, Y/N makes way for the bathroom to do her makeup. Ignoring my protests it’s unnecessary since there’s nothing to hide or improve to make me love her more, she closes the door behind her and locks it.

There goes the plan of dragging her out of there by the collar to have her scratch my jaw and ear again instead. A much better way to pass the time, if you ask me.

In the meanwhile, I return to the bedroom to take a picture of the damage with my phone and send it to Jinyoung.

Jaebeom: We need to talk.

Immediately, I get a response.

Jinyoung: Yes, we absolutely do. Everything OK?

Jaebeom: Yes, Y/N is fine. Alive. A little shaken, but so am I. Well, we’re more than a little shaken. Fuck, Jinyoung, I don’t know what happened.

Jinyoung: I’ll drop by later today. I have to give a lecture in a bit and have to see a new patient afterwards. He’s going through the reintegration program right now and needs a little extra help.

Jaebeom: Help with what? What is he?

Jinyoung: A wolf. Not a standard case.

Jaebeom: Anything I can help with?

Jinyoung: I think you need to focus on yourself right now. I’ll be at the shop around two.

Footsteps disturb the silence, going from the bathroom to the hallway.

That was quick. Are females always this fast with applying their face?

It’s a funny phrase, ‘applying my face’. Also, it’s the argument the pretty lady used as the final word on the matter. But she already has a face so there’s no need to apply a second like some Greek god.

“Hey, where do you think you’re going?” Ears perked, I glance around the corner into the living room and in Y/N’s direction.

“Work?” she answers sheepishly, looking back at me with her head slightly tilted to the side. In her hands is the black trench coat she was about to put on.

Fortunately, she’s kept her makeup natural with a golden brown eyeshadow, a bit of a black line to accentuate her eyes and something to enhance her lashes. It’s a natural look which some of the female customers could learn from with their fake lips or chest that makes them reek of silicone and plastic. Their makeup, often overemphasizing their fake features, doesn’t add to their supposed charm. In fact, it makes me turn my snout away even faster if their attitude already hasn’t.

I’d never offer them coffee or want them around more than once.

But not her.

Not Y/N.

I can’t remember if she wore the same makeup when we met, but I vaguely recall a sense of calm and need for protection alongside a strange recognition. A connection that would make all the puzzle pieces of my life fit together.

The missing last piece.

“Not so fast.” I swiftly move to her side to kiss her forehead. No way I’m letting her go without giving her at least one more.

“There,” I pet her head, griggling and sweeping my tail triumphantly, “now you’re free to go.”

“I wouldn’t have gone without telling you, you know?” She stands on the tip of her toes to peck me on the lips, slightly swaying side to side to keep her balance.

So I lean forward to make it easier for her and chuckle against her lips. “Have a good day at work, Y/N.”

“You too, Jae.”

And with that, she puts on her coat, grabs her bag and opens the front door. She lingers in the doorway, waving half-heartedly as a final word of goodbye.

I wave back, faking a smile to see her off without worry.

Being human again isn’t so bad.

However, the deadline is another story.

The shop is as tranquil as it is on any other day. The quietness of unread words hangs between the shelves, the only noise to disrupt the silence being the rustle of a page being turned. Seated by the window as per usual, listening to the hail in the dim light, I read the time away, but whereas it’s normally a form of amusement and pleasure, it now functions in part to forget this morning’s discovery.

I didn’t mean to pry, but I inspected Y/N’s bookshelves before I left her apartment. There was the usual assortment of classics, but also a lot of Asian fiction, a genre I haven’t delved into too much yet. So, of course with the intention of returning it, I took Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage by Haruki Murakami with me.

She must have read it recently because her fruity scent still lingers on the paper. The summer blend distracts me to the point that the movement of the hands of the clock pass unnoticed in the background.

Regardless of the appointed time, it’s half past two instead of two o’clock that Jinyoung comes in. In his one hand he holds a carrier with two paper cups, the sleeves on them decorated with the silhouette of a black wolf and the name of the café printed in vintage letters beneath the design, the letters spelling out Wolf’s. Judging by the scent, it’s tea the doctor has brought with him. Apple cinnamon for me, since that’s the only one I like, and rooibos for himself.

In his other hand, he holds his bag. One of the claps has either not been fastened before he left or came undone along the way. Whatever the reason, it’s clear he came here in a hurry.

“Sorry I’m late. Christian and I had a lot more to discuss than we thought.” Jinyoung stumbles inside, puts the tea and his bag on the counter, and turns around to lock the door and flip the sign so we can talk in private.

A hint of leather mixed with coffee and wood is mixed in with his own.

Male.

Threat.

Teeth gritted and jaw clenched, I make a mental note to myself to keep this scent away from Y/N. To keep this Christian away from her.

“Jaebeom,” the other male sighs. His tone holds a silent warning of being close to breaking some kind of boundary.

“What?” The answer rolls off the tongue as a growl rather than an actual question. Not that it matters since he must have had a lot worse to endure from me. Besides, it’s not him I’m pissed at so he’s safe.

Although, the wild undertone in his already peculiar personal blend alludes to the opposite.

Has he always smelled like this or is this new? He is human, but then why does my instinct tell me to watch out for him, that there’s more than to him? Strange. 

“He’s no competition. I think he might have imprinted with my colleague, although neither he nor she might be aware of it.” He rolls his eyes. “The gods know whether Gráinne will do anything with it. I wonder if... no, I don’t think either of them told her anything.”

A grim wistfulness stains his voice, which ignites a curiosity about his colleague’s circumstances. Notwithstanding, that story will have to wait until another day and his willingness to tell me.

Still, I quickly fish my phone out of my pocket, open the notes app, and jot down a short reminder to ask about it at a later date.

“Anyway,” Jinyoung steps away from the door, hands me the cup with apple cinnamon tea, and gestures at the worn couch by the window overlooking the west side of the neighbourhood, “we’re here to talk about you. About the picture you sent.”

We move away from the counter to the sofa. A burst of hail spatters against the glass as we sit down.

I’m glad to have something to hold to conceal the shivers running through my body at the image of the claw mark mixed with the memory of what Y/N told me she felt. Or, rather, thought she felt although I’m certain she actually did feel the first ripples of transformation.

For a moment, we sit in silence as I mentally prepare myself for the conversation. Nipping on the tea with my shoulders curled over my chest, I try to reconstruct last night as best I can.

As much as my memory lets me.

To break the... something. There’s an idiom, no, a phrase? A saying.

I don’t know.

Not anymore.

To make it easier, likely noticing the struggle to say anything, Jinyoung speaks up. “There’s more than the photo. You’re leaving things out, things I need to know to help. What aren’t you telling me, Jaebeom?”

“Y/N-” I begin, my breath unsteady as I restart the sentence, “Y/N said she felt my skin move and if I try to remember last night, I can only recall fragments that give me a headache when I try to string them together. Which I can’t.”

He pales, frozen in place as the weird briny scent sours. “That shouldn’t-’’

“Shouldn’t happen,” I finish the remark. 

A horrifying idea arises that sets the hairs on the back of my neck on end and has me nervously tapping my thumbs together as I try not to squeeze the cup in my paws. Nonetheless, voice a low woof bordering on a melancholic whine, I tell the doctor what’s on my mind. “I think the pills stopped working. Completely. I- I don’t think-’’

The world stops, shrinks, and strings my chest as tight as a string as I shrink within myself. Each thought evaporates as fast as the flashes in the wolf’s memory, incoherent if meant to be sensible at all.

The snow hasn’t even come.

I can’t leave her alone.

I don’t want to leave this life.

I don’t want to go just when being human again starts to get good.

I don’t want to be the old me again.

  “I think so too,” Jinyoung agrees grimly. “If I increase the silver and nightshade or the doses it will kill you.”

He tilts his head to the side, eyes sharp with focus as he poses the question I’ve been wondering about myself. “Does she know what you are?”

I shake my head. I might be her weirdo wolf guy, but she’d never believe me if I told her what I really am. Besides, werewolves are the stuff of fiction these days.

We’re no longer seen as a real threat nor have the power and status we used to have in the days of yore. We are devoid of an identity acknowledged by humans.

But, if I don’t possess an identity, am I really here?

Alive?

Or dead like the wolf inside?

Paradise is calling, the song of the forest playing like a red thread through my broken memory.

Beckoning me home.

The woods are calling.

And I must not go.

Jinyoung’s new question pulls me out of my reverie, just in time before the train of thought would crash and burn. “Are you going to tell her?”

“No.” I take a sip of the sweet tea, to have a second of bliss and enjoy a new human pleasure.

Another happiness I discovered a little too late.

“Will you at least tell her about your meds?” Even though she’s seen me take them, Y/N doesn’t know what they’re for. But, then again, did she look at the label?

Regardless of whether she did or not, she’s perhaps not truly ignorant to the reason I have to take them. After all, she thinks they combat my amnesia, which is partially true. It’s a half-truth.

But the real reason is a secret I intend to keep.

“No,” I repeat, determined in my answer regardless of the world spinning out of control. “I won’t tell her.”

“She deserves that much, doesn’t she? She’s your girlfriend, Jay.’’ Although his features have softened, the doctor’s voice rises to a fierce bark as he reinforces his point. ‘’Your mate.”

“I can’t tell her,’’ I retort, my bark closer to a growl than a civilized answer. Tears brim on the edge of my lashes, obscuring my vision in spite of my attempts to blink them away. The vision of Y/N by herself in the snow, on her knees in the middle of the orchard, blocks my throat and makes breathing harder than it already was. 

The vision changes to the image of a spring day close to summer, warm enough for her to wear the dress with the lemons. She’s seated in the same position between the trees which are now white and pink with blossom. However, whereas her belly was flat before, it’s now swollen, pregnant with pups.

My pups?

No, I have to stay here.

I have to survive the winter.

I have to be here if I ever change my mind and want to start a pack with her.

I must be here.

But the question is whether I actually can.

At this rate, I’m not sure.

I don’t know.

But I know enough to explain why I’m reluctant to tell my pretty lady anything. ‘’I can’t tell her, because the news will hurt her and I don’t want that. I don’t want to hurt her.”

Plus, what am I supposed to say? I’m a wolf that turned into a man and is slowly dying, going back to his old form in which it... he. Am human. In which he’ll be stuck until it- He! Am human! Until he dies?

“Y/N has to know about this, Jaebeom.’’ A hand on my shoulder makes me look up from the floor to the man next to me. ‘’How about I talk to her, tell her what you told me and discuss what our options are as well as a plan for the future?”

“You’re right.” I let out a mirthless griggle. “Fuck, I hate it when you are. But… But how will you… explain, uhm, explain… this- me! How will you explain me? What I am? For all she cares, werewolves are my- myth- fic-’’ I throw my head back, frustrated I can’t find the right word or properly speak.

Jinyoung gives me an encouraging squeeze, kindheartedly chuckling at my failure. “I know what you mean. Nobody comes into our world willingly or at least without a good reason. I think your... situation is enough of the latter for her to get involved too. She doesn’t have to join the branch, I’ll leave that up to her. But, if Y/N decides to believe me, or us for that matter, she’ll at least have a community to rely on when you, you know, you’re...”

“When I’m gone.’’ The hesitance to state the facts makes me grimace and my tone sharper than intended. ‘’We both know where this is heading so just say it.”

“Fine,’’ the doctor puts his hands up as if he’s at the risk of being shot ‘’when you’re gone.”

“What’ll happen to the shop?” I gesture around the paper paradise, changing the topic slightly. Books have been another treasure of humanity I will forever be grateful for, especially since I hopefully have created a legacy with them that’s worth keeping.

The doctor glances around, a somber expression on his face. “Either the university will keep it and maintain it as a potential workplace in the reintegration program or sell it off. I don’t know, real estate doesn’t fall within my jurisdiction.”

“Ah, I see.” I lower my head, gaze averted to the half-empty cup in my paws.

Funny how I once thought of making this a family business or to have at least my pup’s name on the spine of one of these books. If I ever had them, would they like to be a writer? Would Y/N tell them their absent father, I... I love... loved to read?

I force myself to forget the thought, swallow despite having a dry mouth, and shake my head. “Thank you. For wanting to tell her. She’ll come over tonight, so-’’

He holds up his hand to stop me. “I’ll text her so we can meet at a later date. She just returned from a business trip and had quite the evening with you. You two deserve a bit of rest.”

“But what if...”

It’s unlikely, but what if it happens again? What if I spin out of control tonight?

“Keep your temper in check and try to suppress your instinct,” Jinyoung answers matter-of-factly.

So, no sex.

Although the unspoken implication doesn’t come as a surprise, I can’t help but feel disappointed even though Y/N and I agreed on not doing it again so soon. Notwithstanding, it would be a lie to say I didn’t want to do it again this morning. But then there was the pool of blood and the amnesia that ruined our morning bliss.

All the same, flashes of what I do remember from last night replay in my mind.

They say once you’ve had a wolf, you never go back. Maybe because I won’t let you.

She looked beautiful, tears glistening in her eyes, equally as beautiful as her meek whimpers. She’s so small and fragile, easy to overpower.

To conquer.

“Your mind’s…. gutter again, isn’t it?” A groan sounds from somewhere on the side, distant like a faint echo

I was inside her.

In spite of the weird plastic, she felt nice.

Warm.

Wet.

I replay the image of her whimpering on the sheets as I looked down at her over and over. My hand on her cheek and Y/N keeping it in place. I should have used that second to dive down and worship her soft breasts more.

I could have bitten her there. Just a small bite on the side.

The snapping of a pair of fingers before my eyes interrupts the pleasant reverie. A bit offended, I snap around to growl at whoever took the pleasure of a cherished memory away.

 Only to face Jinyoung, who sighs and looks down at the bulge in my pants before pursing his lips with an exasperated knowing expression as he looks up. 

Scrambling to regain my composure and hardly remembering what he said, I answer as best I can. “No!”

“Then why are you drooling?”

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 16, part two

(Masterpost of All the Rewatches) (Previous Post) (Canary’s Pinboard of Stuff)

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes

Just A Box of Rain

The brothers find Jiang Yanli and tell her what happened. Pro Tip: a good way to deliver bad news is like this. 1. say "I have bad news" so the person can be prepared for a shock 2. clearly state the bad news. 

Standing in front of the person with tears streaming down your face and looking away when they try to meet your eyes is not, actually, a super effective method for delivering bad news. 

This episode continues to be punctuated by closeups of characters' hands as they respond to events. 

Yanli clutches her broken lotus pendant, cutting her palm and bleeding as she weeps.

Not-at-all symbolic rain drenches the three of them while they cry, standing apart and not comforting each other.

Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep You think that you're gonna drown Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep With all this rain falling down

(more after the cut)

They upgrade their boat with repaired seats and a real oar, and move along toward a hopefully-safer location. 

The scenery continues to be gorgeous, and it appears to be actually really raining on this river or lake. We see Wei Wuxian's hand on the boat's oar as he takes his siblings to what he hopes will be safety.

Maybe you're tired and broken Your tongue is twisted with words half spoken

OP is valiantly resisting dropping a chunk of "Don't Pay the Ferryman" lyrics in here, because projecting European symbolism onto Chinese media is not my bag. This scene does carry a lot of weight, though, showing Wei Wuxian’s sadness and isolation, his ever-growing distance from his siblings and reminding us of his servant status. While his siblings sit under shelter with tears falling down their faces, Wei Wuxian stands in the rain, laboring to protect them and not letting his own tears fall.

It's totally reasonable that Wei Wuxian is the one to man the oar, right? I'm sure Jiang Cheng is the more exhausted of the two of them even though Wei Wuxian started off his day yesterday getting whipped FIVE times by the Zidian and ended it by being choked for 45 seconds.  

Self-Isolation

They reach an inn, where Yanli has a fever, maybe from being left outside all night while her brothers failed to work out any of their interpersonal shit, followed by getting extremely rained on for hours and hours. 

Wei Wuxian carefully puts on a bright, optimistic face for her, practicing for his future fake happiness after the Burial Mounds.

Jiang Cheng sits and has a lot of feelings, totally not helping while Wei Wuxian tends to Yanli. This is not typical of him and just shows how deeply shocked he is by what's happened; usually he is extremely attentive to Yanli and careful with her health.

Wei Wuxian tries to get Jiang Cheng's attention, so that Jiang Cheng can take over caring for Yanli while Wei Wuxian gets medicine. Jiang Cheng is busy staring into the middle distance, and won't respond.

This is Wei Wuxian realizing that absolutely nobody is going to help him.  

Wei Wuxian goes out in his distinctive robes with no hood or anything, to buy some fever medicine, and is quickly surrounded by guards.  They hear "we caught him" and run off, leaving him be.  

What Wei Wuxian doesn't know, that we learn in Episode 50, is that Jiang Cheng and his death wish decided to take a stroll, and seeing the Wen soldiers approach Wei Wuxian finally snapped him out of his reverie.  So he let himself be caught in order to draw them away from Wei Wuxian. 

Let's talk about this choice. In terms of clan roles, Wei Wuxian is absolutely the expendable one. Jiang Cheng became the clan leader when his father died, and knew it from the moment he saw his father's body. 

So far he's 1. Tried to go back to fight and die, against his parents' express instructions 2. left his sister alone in an inn with a fever 3. given himself up to be killed in place of his chief disciple, when it's his disciples' job to die for him, if it comes to that. All but two of Clan Yao's disciples died to protect fucking Captain Blowhard, for goodness sake.  

All of these actions are emotionally super understandable; he's young, he's had a terrible shock, and he's an emotional guy who's never heard of Dialectical Behavior Therapy. And I'm not here to defend feudal power structures. But perhaps Jiang Cheng shouldn't ring the "YOU PROMISED" bell quite so loud in the future, considering his own relationship to his obligations. 

Wei Wuxian begs Yanli to stay put and stay safe while he goes to find Jiang Cheng, and he promises to take Jiang Cheng back from the Wens. Yanli clutches his hands and asks him to promise again that he will rescue their brother, and that they will all go to Meishan together. But for once Wei Wuxian is completely honest, and disentangles his hands and sets off without another word.  

More running ensues, this time in the rain. To quote Adam in Season 7 Episode 1 of Spooks, "all this traumatized running is starting to really annoy me." (Spooks is the shit. Don't watch it if you like characters to have a lifespan longer than a mayfly's)

Camera Operator: Finally, a little appreciation

Wei Wuxian arrives in Lotus Pier, and can we just take a second to appreciate the decor of this place? Look at that tile floor with the cobblestone border, and the bamboo wall panel behind him.

He grabs the first Wen he finds, who turns out to be a much-needed friend.

Rescue Me

The Untamed is the tale of a man’s devotion; devotion so strong it transcends clan allegiance and even death. And that man’s name is Wen Ning.

Initially Wei Wuxian chokes him, like bros do, until he recognizes him and lets him go...

...only to immediately grab him and demand to know if he had a part in the massacre. Wen Ning stays pretty calm, seeing the angry side of Wei Wuxian for the first time, and explains that he heard about what happened, and is there to help.

Wei Wuxian absorbs this and lets him go, giving us a closeup of their hands together, with Wen Ning not so much resisting Wei Wuxian's grip as giving a steadying grip of his own to his best friend.

Wen Ning, who Wei Wuxian saved from one water demon, has already saved Wei Wuxian from one horrifying animatronic dog, and does not actually owe him a life debt at this point. Wen Ning has defied his sister and his entire clan and flown to Lotus Pier with a team of minions, with the specific intent of fucking things up for Wen Chao to the best of his abilities, simply because "Wei Wuxian is a nice person." 

Wei Wuxian isn't feeling like a nice person just now, however, thinking that he can use Wen Ning as a hostage to...what, trade for his brother? Wen Chao would probably be happy to kill Wen Ning himself, but his dad needs Wen Ning as a way to control Wen Qing, so maybe that plan would work.

Then Wei Wuxian sees this small pouch hanging from Wen Ning's belt, and it stops him in his tracks.

For once we are not given a flashback to explain his thinking, so I’ll provide one

The talisman he gave Wen Ning to protect him, now protects him from Wei Wuxian himself. He lets Wen Ning's arm go, and tries to think of another plan. 

Wen Ning already has another plan, and has come to Lotus Pier prepared to enact it. 

Wei Wuxian can't believe he's found someone to help him. In a moment of wrenching vulnerability, he asks Wen Ning to save Jiang Cheng and to retrieve the bodies of Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan. Wen Ning immediately agrees. 

Wen Ning then embarks upon the least sneaky sabotage campaign of all time, chatting to the guards while messing with the wine, and generally acting like a person who is up to something. 

Nobody respects him enough to worry about it, though, and the party proceeds as planned.

The banquet is set up in the cleaned-up courtyard of Lotus Pier The Yunmeng Supervisory Office, and features dancing girls performing in the center of the beautiful carved paving, and corpses hanging in the doorway. 

I bet Jin Guangyao hires this same dance troupe for his future parties.

Wen Chao and Wang Lingjiao sit at the main table, snuggling and being gross, but mercifully not necking on-camera because this is a 100% no-necking show. The drinks are sent around and Wen Chao tells Wen Zhuliu to drink up. 

Wen Zhuliu is busy gazing wistfully at Yu Ziyuan's corpse.

Let's face it, Wen Zhuliu is the only dangerous person in this place at the moment, so what he does next is the make-or-break for Wen Ning’s plan. 

Wen Zhuliu smells his wine and immediately can tell something is wrong. He takes a long moment to consider the situation, eyes on Yu Ziyuan, and then downs it, letting his emotions--perhaps something in the neighborhood of remorse, perhaps simple disgust at his craven supervisor--get the better of him.  

In the morning he will be able to tell Wen Chao with 100% precision exactly what the drug is, probably from smelling it right here. This is the only miscalculation Wen Zhuliu makes in the whole show, and it eventually costs him his life.

Wen Zhuliu has no reason to think this decision will hurt him. It's definitely impossible for Jiang Cheng, whipped and crushed, to avenge himself and his parents. But Jiang Cheng, with Wei Wuxian’s help, is going to achieve the impossible. 

We end with Wei Wuxian hiding while he waits for Wen Ning, as strung out as we have seen him so far, although he's got worse mental states ahead of him on his journey.  He doesn't know yet if he was right to trust Wen Ning, and the episode ends with him, cold, wet, and miserable, waiting to find out. 

Next Episode: Still miserable, but with a cape! Soundtrack: 1. Patty Griffin, Rain  2. Grateful Dead, Box of Rain

[arlingtonpark]

SNK 139 Review Part I: On Eren Jeager and Genocide

Why?

Why is this happening?

Folks, I’m going to be honest here: there are no words for this. The main thrust of this chapter is completely inexplicable. It’s stupid. It’s ill conceived. FML.

Just…just the term itself is laughable.

Eren redemption arc.

Sksksksksksksksksksksk

After everything he’s done, everyone he’s killed, you’re going to try redeeming Eren in the final chapter?

Eren didn’t need to be redeemed. He was a bullheaded kid who didn’t let anyone stop him from doing what he thought needed to be done. He sees the titans outside the walls as enemies to be exterminated. When he learns that his real enemies are other humans, who have a right to freedom as much as he does, he can’t accept it and decides to just exterminate them too. That mindset led him down a tragic path of genocide.

That’s not a bad character arc!

In fact, I’d say it’s very compelling. Nonconformity and obstinance are often presented as virtues; flipping that paradigm on its head and showing the vices of those virtues was legitimately smart and provocative.

Making people rethink what traits are virtues and vices is a great moral to the story, and it paired well with the other moral of cooperation and loving your fellow people.

Then this chapter came out, and they threw all that away.

Eren’s arc once made me think of Aristotle, who argued that true virtue lied between extremes: neither too submissive nor too rebellious.

Now Eren’s arc makes me think of pseudointellectual 4chan philosophy, and dumb teenagers: “He’s not a bad guy, he’s just human!!!”

Eren’s motivations are a mess now. He had no free will, but he also had a plan, but deep down he wanted to do the rumbling no matter what, but actually he really wanted to be with Mikasa.

Oh, and B T dubs, he killed his mom too.

You can tell Isayama is desperate to make Eren as sympathetic as possible to justify making him the anti-hero because he’s throwing everything he can pull out of his ass at Eren.

Really, though, all he ended up doing was smearing shit on the character.

Eren’s plan was to kill a significant part of the human population so the world wouldn’t be as overwhelming a threat as before. Simultaneously, he planned (“planned”) for the alliance to become vaunted heroes to the world when they killed him, thus paving the way to peace.

This…makes no sense?

There is no reason Eren should have believed this would work. During the battle of Trost, Pixis asked him if humanity could unite if threatened by a common enemy. Eren said no.

Eren is a pessimist about people. He sees how much the walldians fought with each other and concluded that people would always be at odds.

And the Tybur family helped defeat the Eldian Empire, but only the Tyburs were seen as heroes by the Marleyans. That good will was not imputed from the Tyburs to the other Eldians on the continent. There’s no reason to think that would happen here when it didn’t back then.

I’m assuming, anyway, that the alliance becoming heroes is supposed to lead to a world where Paradis is safe since that’s supposed to be Eren’s goal.

I’m willing to grant that maybe this part of Eren’s plan was more of a hope on his part. Peace would come only after his death, so he can’t truly “plan” for anything afterwards.

I think it’s safe to say that killing the world’s population was the main part of his plan, since that’s the part he had the most control over.

To the extent he had any control over his actions, which brings me to the next point.

So, turns out Eren had no free will.

Can you not feel Isayama’s desperation?

After all the awful things Eren’s done, Isayama’s brilliant idea to make him sympathetic is to strip him of all agency.

This is done by two routes throughout the chapter.

The first is by building him up as a victim. Eren’s mind is fucked; he can’t really control himself. Any decent person would feel pity for him, which is reinforced by the sorrow Armin visibly feels for him.

Then, like a shotgun blast to the face, we are told that Eren killed his mother in a moment that is clearly supposed to endear us to him.

This is such a transparent appeal for our sympathy. Isayama’s desperation leaps off the page and mugs us of it.

The only thing that this revelation adds to the story is that it gives Armin a reason to take up Eren’s hand, and show him support. You can see Armin’s heart breaking for Eren in that moment.

That’s mostly why this is here: to give the mass murderer a hard luck story so our hearts melt for him.

The second route is that depriving Eren of agency absolves him of blame for what he did.

Eren beat Armin bloody, but you can’t really blame him for it. He was drugged out on the Founding Titan and didn’t want to do it. He was acting on impulse, just going with the flow, so he deserves, at the very least, some leniency.

Eren both having a plan and not having much in the way of free will is contradictory. Everyone still talks about Eren as if he’s someone who is doing stuff even though we’re told he’s not really capable of rational decision making.

I’m going to be nice and assume Isayama’s intent is that when you parse this all out, you end up in a place where Eren is not truly responsible for what he did, and in any event this all ended with the titan curse broken and the world at peace, sooooo break out the champagne everyone, we achieved world peace!

…

Yeah, bub, I’m not partying right now.

Isayama’s ploy to absolve Eren of blame didn’t work. Eren is still responsible for the people he killed and his Founding Titan lobotomy counts for shit. Turns out it helps to know how free will works when you’re writing about free will.

Free will is the quality of being in control of your actions, at least to the extent necessary to be held responsible for them.

Eren was just going with the flow (wonder what Annie thought of that…), acting on impulse, and getting dragged along by fate, but that’s not actually important.

It’s been known for centuries that current events are caused by previous events and that the current events will bring about future events in a never ending chain of cause and effect. One domino causes another to fall causes another to fall and on and on. This is called determinism.

And that’s ok because we free will exists. It exists even if we can’t do anything other than what we are going to do. It exists in spite of, or even arises out of, determinism.

This premise, that free will and determinism are not mutually exclusive, is the foundation for a family of theories about free will called compatibilism.

Compatibilist free will is the most popular theory of free will. There are a couple of variations on the basic idea, but the gist is that free will exists when your actions can be linked to an aspect of yourself that you identify with.

For example, if you had no choice but to do something, but you’re ok with that because it’s what you wanted anyway, then you have free will.

Even if I didn’t know you’d stop me in the end, I think I still would have flattened this world. 

-Eren Jeager

That’s all I needed to hear.

EREN, FUCK YOU!!!!

Eren had free will, at least as much as necessary to blame him for his genocide.

Isayama threw this curveball at us and all it did was ruin Eren as a character while leaving him just as repugnant as before. Incredible. It’s the worst of both worlds.

Before this chapter Eren was a guy who believed in something and followed that belief no matter who got in his way. That was great! It was tragic and sad, but great storytelling.

Where does this chapter leave us?

What we learn in this chapter is that Eren didn’t really believe in anything. He may have free will enough to be a shithead for what he did, but that doesn’t mean he has free will enough to be an interesting character.

Eren coming to grips with him not being free, in an absolute sense, would have been so much more interesting than what we got. Eren started the series comparing humanity to cattle in a pen. He ends the series being literally sheparded by fate to his death like cattle to a slaughterhouse.

And yet we get no exploration of that at all.

It’s lame. Everything about this is lame. From a storytelling perspective, Eren was just along for the ride. Who would want to reread this series now? A story about a boy who’s quest for freedom neither ends tragically nor happily, but is just forgotten about by the end. What’s the point?

There is none.

Eren’s journey ends up lost in the author’s own ignorance of the very thing this is supposed to be about.

Unfortunately, SNK isn’t interested in 80% of the world being dead. If it were, Eren wouldn’t have gotten such a warm send off.

I was honestly shocked when I read this chapter.

I thought it had been made clear. SNK had come firmly down against genocide. I never imagined Isayama would try a 180 in the final chapter.

And, well, he did, and here we are.

SNK is pro-genocide.

To wit:

Once Eren’s abominable plan is explained to everyone, he is lavished with love and comfort by his friends.

Armin did punch Eren for being callous about Mikasa, but overall all Armin had nothing but sympathy and understanding for Eren. They held hands and hugged and gave Eren a tender farewell.

All they talk about is how great a sacrifice Eren is making.

Not the sacrifice of 80% of all people, but the sacrifice that Eren personally is making of himself.

I don’t know what deranged mindset Isayama has that made him think this was sensible, but no, Eren is not sacrificing anything. He was always going to die. We’ve known this for several dozen chapters. It’s not a sacrifice to befall the fate you were always going to suffer.

He lost nothing. If anything, he gained from this ending.

Eren died knowing he was loved and appreciated by his friends. What more could a dying man ask for?

Eren is rewarded by the story for killing 80% of humanity.

His ultimate fate was no worse than was expected even before he committed the genocide, and he went out in the knowledge that his friends loved him for it.

It doesn’t even make logical sense that his friends would be so receptive to what he did.

There is no difference between Eren’s plan and what we thought Eren’s plan was before this chapter came out.

Armin thought Eren’s plan was to murder humanity to ensure his safety, and Armin was appalled. Armin was willing to sacrifice his life to ensure Eren failed. He was truly acting for the greater good of humanity.

In this chapter, Armin learns that Eren’s plan is actually to murder most of humanity to ensure his safety, and Armin loves him.

Again, hand holding, hugging, “thank you.” No mention of the unfathomable harm caused. The 80% killed are not even a footnote in this chapter.

Even after the fact, Eren’s friends showed no qualms with Eren essentially winning and procuring their safety through genocide.

When previously the mere thought of that was what motivated them to lay down their lives to stop him.

I don’t think Isayama believes this genocide is supposed to bear on how we think of Eren. I say, having just read the chapter that’s all about Eren, in which his genocide doesn’t bear on how his friends think of him. At all.

Was that too great a leap in logic? I apologize if my rationality offends you.

Eren may have died, but he won in the end.

His friends are safe and the world looks set to conclude a peace treaty with Paradis.

I don’t buy for a second that the world is a threat to Paradis anymore, and I don’t buy for a second that there won’t be a peace shortly after the end of the story.

It’s very telling, to me, that it’s the world that’s come to grovel at Paradis’ feet, begging for peace, when previously it was the other way around.

The contours of this “peace,” if you can call it that, were made pretty clear in the epilogue. The world is in ruins while Paradis is stronger than ever, so the world sues for peace for fear of Paradis attacking further. 

This is the moral of the story. Frankly, it’s been staring at us in the face the whole time.

How do you end the cycle of violence?

The answer is to win. To be stronger. More determined.

The only peace is enforced peace through domination.

Peace through the barrel of a gun.

To be continued in part II (and possibly part III)

[songbirdsingingthings]

This request (if it's still an option) might be a little odd and will admittedly stay more feminine, but if i may?

Might i request a small shoto x reader story where the reader is a practicing witch? It's something i personally am into and i think it would be fun to read. Imagine shoto learning about spell candles, crystals charging positive energy, tarot cards, that stuff, because the person he likes uses them a lot.

It might be a touch vague, plot wise, but from west I've read it's sure to be something you can make amazing. Thank you very much. (Anonymous because this is my first time ever requesting something like this and I'm way to shy about it.)

Intuition - Shouto Todoroki x Reader

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters, they belong to Kohei Horikoshi

MHA Masterlist - Main Masterlist

WARNINGS: Fluff, Swearing (It’s Bakugou, so, that’s kinda a given)

Requested by Anonymous:

A/N: Hi!!! I am so sorry that this took me freaking AGES to write. In between trying to research and find reputable sources to learn from about what you requested and dealing with school stuff (honestly, my teachers just think that all of my free time should be filled with school work smh) I finally FINALLY finished! I really hope you enjoyed, and I really found it interesting learning about all these things! <3

Word Count: 1.5K

“Y/N, may I ask you a question?” Shouto’s smooth voice cut through to your senses, rousing you from the book you currently had your nose in. Sitting just inches away from you was the red-and-white haired boy, the textbook he had been consulting now bookmarked and set next to him. With a raise of your eyebrow in curiosity, you marked your page and nodded.

“What’s on your mind?” You ask, leaning a bit closer to him. Shouto, being your boyfriend for now 2 months and comfortable with touch, wrapped a light arm around your waist.

“I was just curious about your choice of decor for your dorm, it’s quite unique.” A knowing smile graced your lips as your gaze left his handsome face and flitted around your dorm. On top of shelves, all over your desk, and even on the balcony windowsill you had, crystals and candles dotted the room. A smile graced your lips as you saw Shouto’s eyes on the various beloved items.

“I guess you can say it’s unique,” You start to say, standing from your spot on the floor and going over to your desk and taking your favorite crystal into your hand. It was a simple clear quartz cluster but it’s been with you the longest. You motion for Shouto to stand up next to you so he could see it more clearly. “This one is a clear quartz,” you explain as he bends down so that his eyes are eye-level with the crystal.

“It’s beautiful,” he murmurs, his gaze transfixed on the quartz. With a laugh, you carefully place it back down on your desk.

“Well, it’s not all just a pretty face. It’s actually charged with a lot of healing energy, so it’s provided some real tranquility in my life.” Shouto’s eyes narrow in confusion, looking back up to yours.

“You’re not telling me that this crystal has a quirk, do you?” He asks, genuinely perplexed. With a bark of laughter, you shake your head.

“No, no, it doesn’t have a quirk. I’ve just been charging the crystal myself.” Still sensing some bewilderment from your boyfriend, you grab a few different items - the quartz, a spell candle from your windowsill, and a pack of tarot cards from your desk - and lead him over to your bed to sit down. “A lot of the things I have in my room have a more… spiritual side to them. Basically with things like crystals, I charge them with positive energies. I do this by cleansing them and then emanating positive thoughts, intentions, or words to the crystals themselves.” Shouto nods, seemingly understanding that concept.

“Are the candles and cards similar?” He wonders. 

“Well, they’re all similar in the way that they’re part of witchcraft. People who are practicing witches usually have some, if not all, of these things and probably a lot more. I’m kind of in the low-key part of witchcraft since I don’t really cast spells or am part of a coven or anything, but I really enjoy it.” You gush, causing Shouto’s cheeks to heat up a bit. He’s always loved seeing you so passionate about things whether it be in classes or during hero training, but your passion here was on a whole other level.

“Interesting,” he says, “so what purpose do the candles serve?” His interested tone causes a giddy smile to flicker across your face, sending you into ‘explanation mode’.

“The candles are actually pretty cool. Like the crystals, it’s recommended that you cleanse and charge them in order for them to work. I usually buy these from that crystal store on mainstreet, and this one is one of my favorites! It’s actually one for my zodiac sign,” you tell him, holding the glass holder up in front of him so that he could read the label. 

“And the cards?” He asks, leaning over to view the pack of cards.

“Oh! Those are tarot cards.” “I’m assuming they are pretty different from regular cards?” He asks, a little smirk on his face.

“You would be right in assuming that, yes,” you say, giggling while sliding the deck out of its container. You give the deck a few shuffles. “They can help to gain insight on peoples’ futures by drawing cards that represent your past, present, and your future.” Shouto’s eyes widened.

“They can tell your future?” He exclaims, a little wary but also excited about the prospect of it.

“Yeah, you want me to give you a reading?” 

“Yes!” Shouto says quickly. Your heart warms at his enthusiasm as you let your shuffling come to a stop. Spreading the cards out in your hand, you hold them face down in front of your boyfriend.

“Okay, pick three.” You say simply, yet Shouto still hesitates.

“Is there a strategy for picking them?” He asks.

“Just go on your intuition. Pick what your heart tells you to.” You murmur. Shouto nods slowly and lets his fingers hover over the cards. He lets his fingers dangle for only a minute before picking his three cards and setting them on your bed covers. With a satisfied smile, you straighten up the rest of the cards, set them aside, and turn your attention to the three he picked. You turn them over one by one. His first card, representing his past, is The Tower. The second card, representing his present, is the Death card. And finally, representing his future, he picked the The World card. As Shouto’s eyes rake over his cards, they settle and widen comically at the middle card.

“Uh, oh no, Y/N I picked death.” He said, his breathing becoming a little shallow at his sudden spurt of panic.

“That’s okay Sho, just let me give you your reading, yeah?” You soothe, urging him to calm down. With a hesitant nod, he settles down a bit. “Okay! So for your first card, you chose The Tower. Now this card represents sudden upheaval, broken pride, and disaster. Think back to your past whether it be just yesterday or years beforehand. I know you had a tough childhood and growing up was never easy for you,” you say, trying to empathize with Shouto. He nods acceptingly, having already acknowledged his past.

“Yes, this card makes sense.” He simply says. Your gaze focuses next on the middle card - Death.

“I know this card can look a little scary, but I promise it’s not.” You say, trying to gently ease Shouto into the idea that his current present is represented by death. “The Death card represents the end of a cycle, new beginnings, and metamorphosis. Think and turn your consciousness to your thoughts right now. Think about how much you have changed from your past, and find solace in the end of that cycle and the beginning of a new one.” Shouto closes his eyes and unconsciously begins to smile, causing your own to shine brighter.

“That is a comforting thought. I never thought I could find relief from a card that says death on it.” He remarks, opening his eyes back up to yours. You could tell he was eager to hear about his last card - his future.

“And your final card is The World. I’m not being biased or anything, I promise you I’m not, but this is one of my favorite cards.” You admit, earning a sparkle to show in your boyfriend's eyes. “The World card represents fulfillment, harmony, and completion. Try and imagine your future. This completion and fulfillment could come in the form of many things whether it be your career, your friendships-”

“A romantic relationship?” He asks, his cheeks now burning with red. You feel yourself begin to fluster and the silly smile across your face causes you to look at your hands.

“Yes, this card could potentially apply to a romantic relationship.” You murmur softly. You busy yourself with cleaning up the cards and putting them back in their container, still flushed with the thought of Shouto hoping for harmony within your relationship. However, your thoughts are put to a halt when Shouto has a soft hand beneath your chin, gently angling your head so that your eyes meet his.

“I like the thought of a fulfilling relationship with you.” He confesses, his doe eyes causing you to melt.

“I, uh, Shouto the card might not be referring to that though.” You stammer, your eyes flicking in between his and his lips.

“You said that I should go on intuition beforehand, yes?” He asks, wanting you to confirm. When you nod your head, his smile turns into a smirk. “Well then my intuition tells me that the card is referring to us.” And in one fluid motion, his lips are on yours. Like always, they’re soft, slow, and sensual… and you can never get enough of them. With one hand going up to play with his hair and the other one wrapping around his neck, you press yourself closer to him as he kisses you more feverishly. 

“Thanks for my reading,” he says breathlessly, each word in between kisses. You yourself are breathless as well, sinking into his embrace like puddy.

“Anytime.”

[kumoriyami-xiuzhen]

Hakuoki SSL Store Bonus Drama CD 《Their Youth~ Student Council Helper Episode～》

....Why are people subscribing to me on youtube? like i get that people subscribe for the otome stuff i translate and subtitle (which i only really do so that i can have a copy of it for myself), but i don’t really think that people should be subscribing if they expect more Gokushufudou content since I don’t have anything else that I can or want to translate for that series....

anyway, this is my translation of the 薄桜鬼SSL -sweet school life- いまじんWEBショップ特典ドラマCD「彼らの青春 ～生徒会助っ人編～」 drama. I was only able to obtain the audio for this from a certain site that doesn’t allow for sharing... so I am unable to put anything else out for this... unless someone shares the audio and an image with the cd and their username or w/e on it (alternatively, if it shows up on bilibili or something then i’ll be able to use that), though I will edit it when i make my own subtitles for this. lol. sorry but not sorry?

anyway, enjoy~  image used is from suruga-ya.

Hakuoki SSL Store Bonus Drama CD 《Their Youth~ Student Council Helper Episode～》

Translation by KumoriYami

Yamzaki: The private school, Hakuo Gakuen. The school we attend, based on the school principal, Kondou-sensei's, intentions, we adhere to his educational policy of "becoming warriors with indomitable spirit", not just while learning and when participating in club activities, but while also working harder for the community, or so it should be.... but there are always exceptions to everything in the world.

--------

Hakuoki SSL Store Bonus Drama CD 《Their Youth~ Student Council Helper Episode～》

 --------

(knocks)

Yamazaki: Excuse me, is Hijikata-sensei here?

Hijilata: Oh? It's Yamazaki. What is it?

 Yamazaki: Sanan-sensei asked me to bring these materials over to you. 

Hijikata: So it was like that. Thanks. By the way, Yamazaki....... Do you have a moment right now? 

Yamazaki. yes. I'm not doing anything right now.

Hijikata: In that case, sorry...... can you go to the student council to do something? Today Amagiri and Shiranui both happened to take the take the day off today, and there apparently is insufficient manpower on hand. 

Yamazaki: The student council.......is it......?

 Hijikata: Uh, the average person would react like that... I've already asked several people before asking you, and as soon as they heard "student council," they immediately ran away.

Yamazaki: I can sympathize with those students. because I am not really good at dealing with the student council president. 

 Hijikata: When it comes to that guy, I believe that if you searched the entire world, that you wouldn't find many people good at dealing with him. Nothing can be done though, I'll go help this time...

Yamazaki: Wha...!? How can Hijikata-sensei personally attend to this matter! In that case, I'll go help the student council!

Hijikata: Can you? To be frank, this is a chore.

Yamazaki: A gentleman's word is his bond!

 Hijikata: Then I'll leave it to you.... But if something goes wrong, you need to immediately report to me. 

Yamazaki: Yes! I'll be going to the student council room now!

(Yamazaki leaves)

Hijikata; Yamazaki is too straightforward... I hope he doesn't overdo it...

(student council room)

Yamazaki: (knocks on door) Excuse me. I'm the second year, Yamazaki. Hijikata-sensei entrusted me to help you.

Kazama: By Hijikata? Che, he's meddling into other people's business/can't mind his own business. He most likely coaxed you into helping, but whatever the case, if you think you can help, I will provide you this opportunity.

 Yamazaki: (Obviously he's in the position of receiving a favour, but why he so overbearing/arrogant?!)

Kazama: Did you say something? 

Yamazaki: I didn't say anything! Returning to the topic/Anyway, what can I help you with?

Kazama: here, put these clothes on first. 

Yamazaki:...What's with this collar and Japanese-style school uniform?! Our school's official uniform is a suit/Western-style clothes. 

Kazama: This uniform is of the same style as Amagiri's uniform. Although it's only temporary, you'll need it to wear this is you are to complete the student council's work [gave up rewording all of this].

Yamazaki: Even so! Modifying the uniform goes against the school rules... 

 Kazama: Hey! As student council president, I am saying that there are no problems! I am the school rules! 

Yamazaki: (How did such a person become the Student Council president?)

 Kazama: Good, now that you understand, hurry up and change clothes in the dressing room, then get to work.

Yamazaki: ( No other choice but to resign myself.... [tl uses an idiom that can mean "submit to hte will of the heavens," "resign (oneself to fate)," or to "leave it to luck"]) Understood!

(door opens)

Hijikata: Oi, Kazama! you there?

Kazama: It turns out it was Hijikata. What brings you here? If you want to leave please turn right and head straight.

Hijikata: Someone just came in, why are you already trying to chase them away! I was just worried about Yamazaki, so I came to check on him. 

Kazama: Yes. Then if you're done, hurry up and leave.

Hijikata: You bastard.... Anyway, where is Yamazaki?! I don't see him...

(door opens)

Yamazaki: Kazama-senpai, excuse me. I've finished changing clothes...

Hijikata:……Yamazaki?!

Kazama: Hrm. As expected, people rely on clothes [clothes do make the man? or clothes bring out a person? can't exactly think of an equivalent right now tho]. Such an appearance is barely passable. 

Hijikata: Wait a moment! What's with that strange uniform?!

Kazama: This is a custom-made uniform made for the student council. Since he's helping the student council, isn't it common sense to dress like this?

Hijikata: What common sense! That clearly violates the school rules... 

 Yamzaki: It's fine, Hijikata-sensei... 

Hijikata: Nn?

Yamazaki: I'll think of this as a a work uniform! Anyway, Kazama-senpai, about the content of that work...

Kazama: Che, don't tell me that you aren't able to do unless you receive orders from me? It's such a waste that you are unable to understand your superior's mind, and require someone to explain everything to you so that you can act. 

Yamazaki:...!!

Hijikata: I'm afraid that if you searched the entire world, the only person who would be able to understand your mind, would be Amagiri?!

Kazama: No choice then. I shall mercifully/gracefully provide instructions to those that are stupid. There will be a meeting to pay for club activities/budget meeting for all of the clubs tomorrow. However, only a handful of reports have been submitted, and what has been isn't sufficient to be used as materials/ a reference to approve of the clubs' expenses. In other words, you should go investigate for me to see if all of the club activities are actually being held. 

Yamazaki: Understood! Which clubs [tl is for "department] do I need to investigate?

Kazama: Needless to say, it's all the clubs within Hakuo Gakuen. The deadline is today.

Hijikata: Don't be so forceful [ridiculous!]!! Have you even thought about how many clubs there are at this school?!

Kazama: Amagiri and Shiranui would complete this within an hour, which this trivial matter cannot be considered a problem. If this can't be done, I won't force it. This only proves to me that you do not have a good eye for talent from the help you recommended to me, Hijikata [gave up rewording after 8 times].

Yamazaki:...I understand. I will certainly be able to investigate all of the clubs today!

Kazama: When the moment comes, don't go back on your word. This is a list of all the clubs at Hakuo Gakuen. 

 Yamazaki: The total number of clubs at Hakuo Gakuen is... 108?!

----------

(footsteps)

 HIjikata: Ah... it's been a while since Yamazaki darted out of the student council room... Is he really okay? I hope he didn't get involved in anything strange...

 Yamazaki: L-Let go of me! I, I hate this sort of thing!! 

Hijikata: Nn? 

 Yamazaki: Even if you say that you can't understand the specifics of this club without personally trying it, I don't want to do this...!!! Let go of me!!!

Hijikata; That voice just now.... Yamazaki? (runs over) Oi! Yamazaki!

---------

(bouncing sound [haven't listened to this drama in a while so this might not be accurate, tho the tl does say bouncing])

???: Ah....... Hijikata-sensei......

Hijikata: Oi! What's with this huge stuffed animal?!

Yamazaki: It's me! Yamazaki!

Hijikata: A-ah..... nn, nn.... I, I can hear your voice..... but, but what I hear doesn't sound like the Yamazaki I recognize...! 

Yamazaki: That's because of this [i think?]! I am the genuine Yamazaki! I'm just wearing this costume! Ah... sorry to trouble you, but can you please help me pull the back zipper down?

 Hijikata: Ye-Yeah...

Yamazaki: Hah... finally escaped from that...!

Hijikata: You... why were you dressed like that?! 

Yamazaki: Because.... when I went to the costume club, their members said they just finished these clothes, and that I had to try it on....

Hijikata:....Those animal overalls are part of a costume?

Yamazaki: No matter what happens, I never want to come back to the costume club!! But... normally I wouldn't have such a chance, and after seeing it with my own eyes, I now know that there are many clubs at our school.

Hijikata: That's because when Kondou-san was thinking about club establishment, he said to respect the individuality of the students. As long as the activities' content and purpose are clearly stated, provided that they aren't bad, and if the number of club members reaches a certain level, any club can be established.

Yamazaki: I think, by using the costume club as an example, there are actually quite a lot of informal clubs... 

Hijikata: It seems that it will be necessary to re-examine those clubs in the future.... Anyway, which club are you going to next?

Yamazaki: The mountaineering club. Judging from the club's name, the content of the activities should be straightforward. To be honest, I feel relieved. 

 Hijikata: No, that club... 

Yamazaki: Then, I'll be going there as fast as I can. I'll be taking my leave first! 

(Yamazaki leaves)

Hijikata: Eh... I remember they were supposed to go climbing today.... Going back to their activities, isn't mountaineering difficult [tl for mountaineering can be interpreted as "climbing," "to climb a mountain," and "mountaineering."]?!

------------------

 Yamazaki: (All sorts of problems kept on occurring after that during the inspection. The drama club was infected with an influenza virus [no idea how else to reword that right now], and all of their members were sick so I was unable to investigate their activities in detail; I wasted time at the kendo club because of Okita-kun's pranks; the mime club didn't speak during their activities, which resulted in even the most basic communication not being achievable... Will it really be possible for me to inspect all of the clubs today?)

-------------

(knocking)

 Hijikata: Oi, Kazama! I'm coming in. 

Kazama: Hijikata. It's really rude for someone to enter without being given my permission. 

Hijikata: Didn't I knock and say greetings in advance? It's almost the end of the school day, is Yamazaki back yet?

 Kazama: Not yet. I thought he was a bit capable, but I apparently underestimated him. 

Hijikata: I believe in him. Although he has a tendency to overdo things and often fails to get the key points, once he makes up his mind, he will surely be able to complete any task.

Kazama: Hrm~ that's the same as someone else/you're two peas in a pod. That being the case, let's bet. 

Hijikata: I'm not interested in betting with students. But if we were betting, I'd bet that Yamazaki will be able to accomplish his task. 

Kazama: Then I will bet that he did everything in vain/will be useless. 

HIjikata: I won't feel sorry for you if you lose. 

Kazama: Hmph. Don't steal my words. Look at the time, the school bell will be ringing soon. 

(Running then a door opens)

 Yamazaki: (gasping) Inspections on the club activities... it's all done.... hah....

Hijikata: That's great! Well done, Yamazaki!

Kazama: Che......

 Yamazaki: Hu..... Thank..... you..... (collapses)

 Hijikata: Oi oi!! Are you okay?! 

 Yamazaki: I..... I'm..... fine......

Kazama: Really, I'm blaming you for messing up all of the materials.... Nn?

Hijikata: What are those documents?

Kazama: They seem to be reports on the club activities.

Hijikata: Ha?! Didn't Yamazaki write the reports for that?!

 Kazama: Nn. These are all...

Hijiikata:....Oi! That can't be....!!

Kazama: It looks like Amagiri wrote yesterday. But he actually tossed them into the piles of documents of here, which resulted in no one knowing that he had written such reports. 

Yamazaki: What.....!!

Hijikata: That......!!

Kazama: Hmph. It looks like I won, Hijikata. All his efforts turned out to be worthless.

Yamazaki: Ho-How is that possible...!!

Hijikata: You're not feeling even the slightest bit guilty, are you even even speaking as a human?! This is all your student council's fault!!

 Kazama: Hmph. Go and complain to Amagiri.

Hijikata: You need to take responsibility for the lack of supervision! Besides, what the hell were you doing when Yamazaki was running around everywhere complete that task?! If you were doing a good job, you should have been able to notice this!! 

Kazama: Of course I'm working. My job is to complete the ambitious project called "Writing down all of My Wife's 100's Strengths/Virtues/Good Qualities"! These forms took me a week to complete and it is a magnificent written masterpiece! 

Hijikata: You bastard... you were doing something this stupid while Yamazaki was struggling!

 Kazama: What are you barking about? What's more important than this?

Yamazaki: I tore it up to show you————!! [im guessing this is more "i pushed myself" or "I'm going to tear that up." probably the latter]

Kazama: Nn? What do you think? Do you want to look at it? Although your efforts were futile, I will mercifully/graciously acknowledge your actions. Alright, I'll lett you look. But you have have to treat it carefully.

Yamazaki: I'm blaming this for what happened—!!! (tears up Kazama's documents)

Kazama: Stop that! My week of hard work! Hi-Hijikata! Why are you grabbing me?!

Hijikata: You reap what you sow! Obediently accept reality!! 

Kazama: My priceless masterpiece———!!!

~END~

got ME:LE working last weekend... and omg it’s like a walk down memory lane lol. finished the first game though im going to have to do an insanity playthrough for the achievement later. 

[drsteggy]

So here is an extended tale of my last day. It begins almost a year ago, when I saw a youngish bunny named Rory for making odd noises.

I did all sorts of things, because she was young and her exam was unremarkable. Antibiotic trial. Skull films because I suspected dental disease (none). Pain meds and muscle relaxers in case there was TMJ disease. Nothing help, her noises got louder. At my wits end, I suggested advanced imaging to the owner, and to my surprise, they were open to the idea. The local referral place was too expensive, so I reached out to a practice owned by Laurie Hess. She taught me so much about exotics during my Bond days. They could do it for less than half the cost of my local, so Rory got a CT scan in January and she had an unusual tumor in her nasal passages that was not typical in appearance for things reported in rabbits.

The doc at the referral place called to tell me what they discovered and asked that when Rory died, to see if I couldn’t convince her owners to allow a necropsy because she may have secrets in her head to help other rabbits. I had this conversation and they seemed open to this idea, too, and then Rory vanished from my radar until this week when she came in for a check up. I was shocked to see her. The tumor was much more obvious and she struggled to breathe. We planned her euthanasia for today and after work I drove to the Palisades mall with her body, to hand her off to the vet who did the imaging for a necropsy and maybe a published case report. Because her owners agreed to something that is often very hard to just talk about, their bunny very well may advance science for a minor species and help make life better for some rabbit in the future.

This isn’t “doing experiments” or desecration. This is learning stuff right at its very basic level. If you don’t looks for stuff, you’ll never find it, especially if you don’t know that it’s there to be found.

It’s hard for us vets to ask for a necropsy. I’ve done it a few times and when I’ve gotten a yes, I’ve always learned something, even if it was just how to explain to a grieving owner why things happened the way they did. There are many more times I wanted to ask but didn’t, because I felt bad about putting such a choice on someone at such a horrible time for them. If you’re ever asked, please consider it, the question comes from an honest place with a good and curious intent. And it’s ok for you to ask for one, too.

Anyway. Rory, I hope you can teach us things. You had such good people watching over you.

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, Se03. ep 6.(Part 1)

The main female protagonist who, has been the “mother /psychiatrist/ fixer/curse-breaker” for 57 eps & 2 seasons, has finally had her own “I’m a real person with my own issues” ep !!!! YESS! So happy!!! also, so underwhelmed. Tohru has been painted to be this utterly selfless & altruistic character for long, that when she’s finally a balanced character it’s presented in half an episode? Don’t get me wrong, I like the ep, but there’s also the same feeling of bullet train that I felt in momiji’s ep! ugh!! I hated that feeling! Go away~ oh well.. I’ll quickly state what I didn’t like, before jumping into what I liked, in order to end with a happier note~

What I didn’t like:

Tohru’s monologue after leaving shigure & Isuzu felt more like a background exposition more than a true character’s thoughts. The reason is that It is quickly narrated with quick flashbacks from the past with intentional pieces missing from the flashback. Pieces like” how did Kyoko hurt tohru? She said to kyo, in se02, ep “ I feel like I’ve only caused her sadness” &  tohru’s flashbacks in se02 of her mother leaving/ closing a door. All these things not included in tohru’s 1st ever personal monologue made it seem like quick fill in for the audience more than tohru’s main struggle. Compare it to Yuki’s 3 ep monologue in se02, filled with all his own background info, hence, we as audience sit back & just feel. With tohru a little brain work is needed of putting things together in the puzzle is needed because NOTHING abt her trauma has ever been explained to us prior to her monologue . Also, compare this kyo. A character who ONLY have 2 eps dedicated to him in 57 eps, yet even without monologues & with hidden secrets for climax purposes, his emotions are clear cuz his background was explained early in se01, ep24 & se02, ep9. Compared to them both, her monologue felt a bit lacking.

What’s up with the following scene? Her crying & kyo comforting her mid-street. He saw her crying, asked what’s wrong & she couldn’t say & he gave her a comforting advice. All good. Kyo always give the most needed advice for tohru to be herself & feel comforted. Se01, “complain more, be selfish” Se02, somen table scene & asking her abt her future plans & the hiro incident. Kyo has tried to guess whats wrong first. Here he saw her cry in the middle of the street & just gave her an advice? couldn’t he at least guess wrongly if it is her granpa? school? anything? This scene is AMAZING but it feels off a little.

Kyo’s “ now I remember” EXCUSE ME?????? se01, ep14, valentine ep, he got a nightmare, then when shigure talked to him, we saw a quick flashback that we didn’t now what it is but now it IS kyoko. se02, the entirety of ep9 & the “ I won’t forgive you” & the flashback of young him with kyoko talking abt tohru. se02, ep 22 his fight with yuki & the clear face of kyoko telling him abt something regarding the hat. His entire shutdown of tohru IS abt kyoko NOT abt him being a monster cuz tohru accepted monster kyo in se01 ep 24! so.. REMEMBER WHAT????? the accident?? I feel like being hit with a rock. I mean, it makes sense that kyo will get PTSD after seeing the hat, cuz he remembers the bloody accident vividly. But it is the dialogue that IS weird. “ I remember” ?? it makes no sense? unless it is another hidden secret & will be revealed later. If so, then forget this point.

Kagura (more on her below). Now, let’s talk abt what I liked!

-Grief (the most difficult theme to express in literature): Excellent writing!

Grief is one of the most diverse human emotions. ppl who grief a loved one either erase everything abt them in order to cope with the pain of loss & live on, or drastically engrave everything, not want any memory to slip away, or hold the deceased on a pedestal, or hate them irrationally in order to forget abt them, some deny that the loved one is gone, others talk to them daily, some act & live normally for years & suddenly it hits them that this loved person is truly gone & they breakdown. Others, direct their disbelief of losing a precious one into the envy that other bad ppl are still living, why my precious one is dead?. Thats why, it is a difficulty emotion to understand by others. Ppl watching you will always think that comforting you is enough & that the longer you take, the more impatient they are with you. Tell me, watching tohru this ep, didn’t you feel that:

Come on. tohru, you can love your mom & kyo! who says only ONE person can be your precious?

Umm, why she cries for her mom NOW? 2 years after her death? Is she over it already?

Tohru~~ your mom aint going no where cuz you loved a guy? she’s in your heart, girl. Ugh!

Compared to yuki who was abused by his parents & kyo whose mom commit suicide in front of him, tohru’s trauma is meh~

Feeling this way abt tohru is exactly how many feel abt ppl struggling with grief. You are NOT a bad person if you felt this way. It means that thankfully you weren’t struck by grief to tohru’s extent or that your grief went about differently than tohru. Grief is a crippling feeling. It is valid, strong, overwhelming, paralyzing & above all very unique to the person themselves. Tohru feeling that her mom is slipping away from her memory is so realistic & utterly heartbreaking. Grief hurts & moving on from grief hurts more!!!! The more you go on & live your life, the more you feel like you betray your loved one.

Tohru’s entire existence is for her mother & so her mother LIVES inside her:

Finishing high school cuz it’s her mother’s request.

Getting a job to sustain herself cuz she has no one to support her financially.

Giving her mom’s wisdom & teachings abt life to others.

imitating her dad’s speaking style to prevent her mom from “leaving”.

Being the perfect girl in order to portray that her mom, who is a gangster & is hinted by the ugly relatives to be unfaithful to her husband due to tohru not taking after her dad, actually raised a respectful girl!

Talking to a dead cold lifeless picture as if it is a living human being & going into panic attacks when she looses such pictures.

Suppressing all her true “ ugly, negative” emotions & only giving the fake smiles & positive attitude.

She fears that ppl will leave her if she isn’t “comforting, happy”, hence, the whole facade of “ i’m okay, I’m okay”.

Immersing her self in ppl’s issues so she won’t face her own feelings of utter loneliness, fear of the future, & being left behind when everybody moves on with their lives.

Thinking that having selfish desires contradicts the “ hopeful, kind” girl images, hence, the fear to actually wants sth for herself. Everything HAS TO BE for the sake of the others.

Tohru is deeply traumatized & her complex, unhealthy but extremely realistic attachment to her mom must be broken. Tohru must learn to LET GO.

-Kagura’s character’s assassination. aka (violence heals y’all!)

The show wanted to express the emotion that kagura is still in love with kyo, but is learning to let go & accepting kyo/tohru love. I love that. Her speech with kazuma abt not being able to face tohru cuz her face will show her emotions is so relatable & it hit ME personally. Loved that. Then, she learns that tohru truly loves kyo & should confess to him not talk to Isuzu & I get that, it make sense that she lashes on thru & teach her the value of being open abt your feelings & dont loose him. all cool & understandable. BUT:

How dare you slap tohru like that? you don’t know what she’s going through? tohru is wearing funeral clothes for God’s sake! she just visited her dead mom, you insensitive woman! How dare you assume that all tohru is struggling with is love love, romance romance yay~ confess, kiss, be happy?

Tohru & kyo’s issues are deeper than typical, normal, shallow shojo love. It is related to child trauma & abuse. To their own individual identity & self-image! Their romantic love is meant to guide them towards better choices for the future, not magically heal everything. Their mutual love is NOT the answer to their issues.

How dare you slap someone to make them go back to their senses? this is such an anime move! ugh!~ it cheapens the emotional weight of character’s emotions.

“ I’m not apologizing to tohru. We communicate thro fists” excuse me?  you arent even communicating with kyo thro fists! he sees you & run! the only time he thanked you for, was when you didn’t “ communicate thro fists” & played with him as a child! Not only make her hit tohru but not apologize??

No one told her off? are you foreal?? Isuzu pouting lips is no match for Isuzu powerful emotions when she’s embarrassed, & kazuma! where you at? Happy at the “ open confrontation”? Why do you kill kagura’s character like that?

Side Notes:

I hate how this went by in half an ep like they did with machi!! tohru is THE main character for God’s sake! But it looks like the show is not so fond of the true tohru who wants stuff & screams & talks to herself, alas she isn’t the angelic, innocent girl that is saturating the heck out of all shojo amines. Oh well~ perhaps tohru’s issues will be visited again in the finale?

Kyo gets PTSD reaction in front of tohru. great. Now what’s next? I won’t ever forgive the anime if next ep, kyo & tohru are all normal or worse the episodic theme prevents the continuation & jumps elsewhere. Nearly all the eps that didn’t end with a happy note, started the next ep somewhere & totally forgot the cliff hanger. such as, Isuzu’s ep in se02, it ended with tohru’s nightmare & next ep started yuki’s issues with tohru all smiley & bright. Another example, the Cinderella play ended with kyo/tohru torn symbolism where each is awkward with the other, next ep machi !!!!!! & kyo/ tohru all normal in kazuma’s house. But this time, it will be an epic mistake to do the same. Kyo going full traumatic in front of tohru to the point of her screaming is not sth you skip & start over erasing. Don’t disappoint me show! you can’t screw that, can you?

I love the symbolism of kyoko disappearing from the picture & the crack of her framed pic at the end with it still continued in he ED. Good job.

They are building for a hug clashing scene between kyo & tohtu. it must hurt. It is designed to hurt. I wanted it to hurt. It is not abt romance. It is abt mental & emotional trauma. I’m excited. But I’m scared. After today’s ep, I can confidently say I don’t trust the director. I’m an anime-only, but tohru’s part in the story is the least touched upon, the quickest to get over with & has the wackiest animation. They just don’t know how to depict an emotional tohru~ sigh~

Tohru is written to be a unique protagonist in the sea of innocent, selfless & always happy shojo heroine & opposed to the badass, physically strong female protag in shonen. She is the most realistic, but so much of her potential is wasted so far~~

“ saving the sohma’s. breaking the curse for others is a lie, in reality I wanted to do it for kyo” This line is supposed to be liberating for tohru cuz for once she is putting herself FIRST! It is not abt kyo. It is abt herself! it is cuz SHE wants him. See the difference? See how this line gives tohru the biggest character development!! but still sth is missing. I duno..

I have lots to say abt tohru, kyo, shigure, the grandpa, kyoko, Isuzu & even kazuma! I’ll do that in part 2.

I still liked the ep tho. It is solid. I”ll like it MORE if they continued from here & didn’t cut it cold.