#you know. instead of an empath with actual training as a therapist

[afniel]

I wrote a bunch on the plane, so:

24,371, and insert the It's Free Real Estate meme here, only it's Free Entertainment and it's Valentina saying it, because she's just murdered Glitch and X by dropping the bomb on them that she's been keeping a literal shipping grid in her head as a spreadsheet, especially now that there are so many new reploids in the camp. Mack is not surprised at all. I think probably this will not surprise anybody reading, either.

New Thing: to keep myself from just yelling at all times what my current word count is with no further context, I'll post it and whatever is currently happening, except it'll be a spoiler-free Describe Your Story As Badly As Possible version of what's happening (and if I can't even do that, then I can shush about the word count until I can).

So, without further ado...

Sequel word count: 10,071, and Valentina is painting X's nails, because why the fuck not, GIRLS NIGHT GIRLS NIGHT GIRLS NIGHT (even if only Valentina is a girl and neither of them have a terribly strong sense of gender to begin with).

[mbti-notes]

Hello! I love your blog, thank you for spending your time sharing such thoughtful advice !

I was wondering if you have any recommendations in what to look for in a therapist (especially for XNFJS).

I’ve not quite found yet one whom I felt really heard or that actually helped me instead of congratulating me for being “too self aware”.. I know my problems but not what to do with them- instead of useless overthinking patterns.

Is that a common issue? I know how beneficial therapy can be and I suggest it to a lot of people, so it kinda feels frustrating that it doesn’t seem to work for me.

Though I have general knowledge about therapy that I picked up during my education, it isn't my area of specialization, so I can't tell you whether it's a common issue without taking a deep research dive.

1) The Relationship: The success of therapy is very much contingent upon the quality of the therapeutic relationship. It is vital to form a healthy collaborative relationship with the therapist. You must work together to figure out the problem and carry out a plan to resolve it.

Building any kind of good relationship requires some time and effort. On the client's side, there has to be a willingness to open up, explore, communicate, and cooperate. On the therapist's side, there has to be a capacity to listen, empathize, understand, hypothesize, analyze, explain, support, guide, plan, organize, and be impartial and objective. Between you, there has to be a feeling of trust, comfort, rapport, and good personality chemistry/compatibility.

Successful collaboration relies on all of the above ingredients, so if any of them are missing, you might encounter more difficulty.

2) The Purpose: It's good to enter with a clear idea of what you need and want to get out of therapy, what your goals are. What you need or want can in part be related to your personality type. For example, having high Ni and Fe might affect your relationship and communication preferences, and having low Ti and Se might affect your choice of therapist if you want them to play a role in your efforts to use those functions better.

Discussing your needs, wants, and goals at the beginning is good for setting realistic expectations and dispelling any misconceptions about what is/isn't achievable. The therapist should ask about your goals even when you don't bring them up, but it doesn't hurt to be proactive and assertive in communication. You should be able to describe your goals even if it's in very general terms. If you've already been through enough therapy to know that there's a specific form of therapy you want, ask whether the therapist is well-trained in delivering it. If they aren't, have them refer you to someone who is.

Perhaps you've experienced issues in therapy partly because you haven't been clear enough with the therapist about what you need and want. As a general rule, therapists are trained to be emotionally supportive before anything else. Many clients suffer from negativity or low self-esteem, so it's important that the therapist help the client feel better before getting into the thick of things. However, if emotional support in the form of "congratulations" is not what you really need, you have to speak up. The therapist doesn't want to be wasting time either, so help them help you by letting them know whenever they say/do something you deem unhelpful. If they are any good as a therapist, they won't be offended but rather grateful for the clarification.

Remember, in order to build a good relationship, it takes time to get to know each other. The therapist will be slow in getting to know you if you don't assert yourself and express how you really feel. NFJs tend to struggle with, perhaps they're even afraid to speak with complete honesty, so perhaps that's something you need to work on. The sooner you can get the contents of your mind out in the open for the therapist to work with, the faster the process will go for you.

3) The Issue of Self-Awareness: Too often, people don't know any better but to approach therapy as though going to the doctor's office, expecting the therapist to have a definitive answer and prescribe a cure. There is good reason for keeping the fields of psychiatry and psychology separate. You can treat a psychiatrist like a doctor because they are in fact a medical doctor, trained to deal mainly with issues based in biology. However, a therapist works differently because their focus is mainly on the mental side, meaning they must wade through your subjective experience. Dealing with the empirical facts of your biology is very different than dealing with the murky nature of your feelings.

The process of getting to the bottom of mental problems can be quite convoluted due to the subjectivity, complexity, and irrationality of human psychology. Therapy goes more smoothly the more you're able to articulate what is happening in your mind, to describe things with as much clarity and depth of detail as possible. Unfortunately, one big reason therapy is difficult is that clients have varying levels of self-awareness. Due to the way defense mechanisms operate, some people are opaque to themselves and have no idea what's really happening in their mind. They only know that they suffer, which forces the therapist into a role more akin to detective or investigator. They have to explore, probe for clues, and experiment and inch their way ever deeper into the client's mind, often meeting obstacles and resistance along the way.

Since I approach mental health from the perspective of depth psychology, I personally don't believe knowing about problems is enough to call a person self-aware. I suppose you could say that "knowing" is one level of self-awareness, but I would not qualify it as a high or deep level of self-awareness. I've already explained in a previous post the difference between knowing and understanding a problem and how knowing isn't enough.

Have you said exactly what you just said to the therapist, i.e., that you know you have a problem and what you want is to figure out why and how to resolve it? Be direct. Say exactly what you mean.

4) Exercise Your Freedom of Choice: Not every therapist out there will be a good fit, for a variety of reasons:

Therapists are human after all, so they each have their individual traits, preferences, quirks, blind spots, limitations, weaknesses, flaws, etc, that might make them incompatible with you.

There are varying levels of competency among workers in any profession, so some therapists are certainly more skilled or experienced than others with your particular problem.

Humans are diverse and suffer from a wide variety of psychological issues. There's no way for one therapist to understand them all, so they must choose a specialization. Double check that their educational background matches up with the nature of your problem, e.g., you shouldn't go to a grief counselor about an eating disorder.

Keep an open mind and grant yourself opportunity to shop around and try out many options. You ask me what to look for in a therapist and the simplest answer I can give you is to find one that is well-suited to your needs. But, going back to the earlier point, the more primary step is to be able to express what exactly it is you need.

[olderthannetfic]

My therapist wants me to answer questions about cope shipping for training future students to understand and empathize with a grown adult wanting to make dark, nasty shippy things about teens (in general) Peter Parker getting shipped with older men (specifically) she wants to show how it ISN'T "a fetish" this is so exciting? Thoughts on what context to cover that vanilla straight people or people on the fence might wonder about? @Antis, in good faith I will genuinely "think about why I like it"

Hmm... I guess I would focus on

The commonness of a lot of these fantasies (dubcon and the like). Refer to My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday if your therapist has trouble with this one (though I would hope she wouldn’t).

Why a shipper might like a fantasy where the reality of their own body is not included (abuse history, wanting a break from societal expectations, dysphoria, being ace)

Parasocial relationships and how it feels like we “know” these characters in a way we don’t “know” the characters in original erotica, which can make these ones feel familiar and safe

Relatedly, how Peter/Tony or whatever feels more like two actual people you know than like some abstract symbol of age gap (so we react more like when we know a real couple and their specific circumstances matter more than whether that relationship would often be abstractly suspect)

Fantasy as a way to explore triggering topics in small, controlled doses

Making art as a way to exorcise intrusive thoughts instead of sitting and stewing

IDK, nonnie. I think cope shipping isn’t really that distinct from “I like this thing so it makes me feel good” unless you’re using it in some formal therapy protocol or something.

I feel like a decent therapist already knows most of the reasons why dark fantasies are fine and potentially cathartic. If she needs help understanding fandom, especially m/m as shipped by women (the thing people always struggle with), I’d emphasize the second point there. If she finds it really strange, I’d probably point to how straight guys like girl-on-girl and--this is key--nobody bugs them endlessly for an explanation.

Honestly, I’m not sure why any explanation is needed for “Humans like dark things sometimes” and “People like the charismatic character played by the hot movie star in the movie everyone saw.” So I guess it depends where your therapist’s confusion lies.

[previouslynebraskan]

Why humans are assholes

Hi, my pen name is Gwendolyn, and welcome to my TED talk on empathy

*side note, I suck at writing, and my train of thought is derailed frequently.  So buckle up, and I’ll be surprised if you make it with me to the end, as we don’t know organization.

First off, I’ll disclaim something terrible about myself.  I’m a Christian.  Even worse.  I’m a rosary rattler.  A Catholic!  Oh and you thought it couldn’t get worse?  I’m not even a good one.  God and I are only on speaking terms when I need him (which is pretty frequent, but not the point).  Church feels like an obligation most weeks, and just because I know the rules and believe in the rules, doesn’t mean that I follow them.  

Alrighty!  Terrible things out of the way.  Let’s begin.  Humans are assholes.  Most people, especially the population of Tumblr, will agree with me.  Between human atrocities, selfishness, and down right lack of care, humans are just assholes.  I am too.  I am human.  Ask my siblings.  Like any good older sister, I wanted nothing to do with my siblings, and when forced to see them at school, I was unprecedently mean to them.  Ask my husband.  I am ridiculously selfish, and only do things when it suits me.  And yet, there is an entire history of the human race, with worse individuals than myself.  And a lot of people might see that, and think, cool, I feel better about myself, because I’m not Hitler.  I feel better about myself because I wasn’t a member of the KKK.  Well, personally, I don’t.  The next disclaimer I am going to make about myself, I’m a self-diagnosed empath.  I’ve never been to a therapist.  I don’t currently have plans to either, but I’ll let God decide that path later.  The reason I bring this up, and the reason I mentioned my religion at the beginning, is because I truly believe that if not for my first disclaimer, my second might not exist.  

I am a crier.  And I get annoyed at criers.  But I don’t cry at reasonable things.  No.  I cry at other people’s feelings.  Let’s bastardize the golden rule real quick.  For those who are unaware, “Treat others how you want to be treated.”  Now, I’m sure many people recall going through a phase where they could translate that in their still learning brains to “I can treat people however I want because I wouldn’t care if they were that way to me.”  Now back to the golden rule.  The bastardization is, put yourself in someone else’s shoes.  How many of us got told this by their parents at a young age after not playing nicely with another kid?  Apparently, God took it upon Himself to write that verse on my heart.  And it went something like this:  I cried when my mother told me that her grandmother (whom I had only met twice and had no actual recollection of) died.  I was inconsolable when my grandfather died.  So much so that even now, almost fifteen years later, it still stops me in my tracks, my heart hurts so much.  I cried when Michael Jackson died.  I didn’t really even like his music that much.  I’ve cried at almost every movie I’ve ever seen.  My sister’s speech at my wedding included the moment where she had to chaperone me on a date with my then boyfriend, and we went to Frozen.  Now yes, I cried at the scene when her parents die in the shipwreck.  But it gets worse.  Elsa is out there, just ran away, no plans for shelter yet apparently, and she begins to break out into song.  At first I’m fine.  But then I can feel my heart, as she sings, “well now they know.”  I start bawling my eyes out.  And all I can give in response to my sister’s quizzical look of “What the fuck is wrong with you???” (Yes I cursed, I told you, not one of the good ones. Fuck off), was: “She’s just so happy!”  I wouldn’t necessarily say I was sad at that time.  But I could feel the relase that an animated character was expressing on the big screen.  I could feel the weight come off of her shoulders, and I cried.  I mourned for what she went through, but shed tears of joy that she had found peace.  Tonight.  I was watching Facebook videos instead of taking care of my nightly routine of getting ready for bed.  And a Mengele twin told her story of survival.  When she mentioned looking around for her father and older sisters, I felt that.  When she said she could still see her mother’s outstreched arms, I could see that.  When she mentioned the panic of trying to save her sister years after liberation, trying to find records of what was done to them, her rage and anger.  And then her forgiveness.  Do you know how strong someone has to be in order to forgive?  To let go of the pain in your heart, knowing you’ll never get revenge.  You’ll never get an answer.  And you just let it go?  That strength is super human.  This week, as we pass the 20th anniversary of the tragedy of 9/11, my hometown did a wonderful commemoration.  I cried.  My aunt gave me a look of disgust because I was crying, again.  I cried not only for those who lost their lives, but for their families who would never be whole, for the heroes who stepped up, then and now.  I am a proud Navy wife.  My husband is out sacrificing his time, so that I don’t have to.  And so that I can worship my stupid religion that I cling to, so I can walk around saying inappropriate words and wear not enough clothing.  But he made that choice.  There are a lot who didn’t.  Earlier this week, someone posted the transcription of the phone call of flight 93.  The moment that he said that the passengers wanted to sacrifice their lives, for the sake of our country, I hurt.  And then he asked the person on the other end of the line to pray.  Another video this week, an ex soldier, who fought early on in Afghanistan was telling a story about one of his soldiers.  They were getting ready for a raid that would likely kill them.  His soldier asks, I know we signed up to fight, but why are we doing this?  The man’s response was, for the people up in that tower who didn’t.  He goes on to explain the story of a young mother. Two kids.  Went to work like any other day, and her last attempt at human decency was to hold her skirt down as she jumped out of the burning tower, so the people below couldn’t see up her skirt.  

Crpl. Page was a Marine from my state who just passed away.  He was two years younger than me.  I never knew him.  But I grieve for his family and friends.  

See the worst part about being an empath in a world where human’s are assholes, is there’s never a shortage of people’s feelings to feel.  I’ve been told that you can experience an emotion so strongly that your body’s only reaction to the volume of what it feels is to cry.  And that resonates with me.  I feel joy to such an extreme when I’m with my family, celebrating time together.  I feel the sorrow of people missing loved ones, and their hearts breaking.  And there are times when I wonder if it’s a gift? Or if it’s a curse.  It’s a gift to be able to go to someone and say, I can feel for you and your situation.  I don’t feel sorry for you.  I feel your pain as though it were my own. But it’s a curse to feel the attrocities of humanity and just sit and wonder why it had to happen.  Why it had to come to this.   I got told I was crying for attention.  I wasn’t, but that didn’t matter. Supposedly, behavioral psychology could “fix me” if I wanted it.  I could be trained to control my emotions, and process them in a way that wasn’t so consuming.  It would definetly help my self diagnosed depression.  But let’s posit that God made me this way for a reason.  He gave me this gift with a purpose in mind.  What then?  The problem is, I don’t know how to effectively use it without letting it ruin my life.  I can never be a therapist, because I would be able to take on the feelings of my clients.  And while I do very much believe in tough love, I also belive that if you just have the right push in the right direction, great changes can be made.  Would the Holocaust have happened if Hitler had  better relationship with his mother? (this is a personal piece, I am reflecting on history classes I haven’t taken since high school.  I’m not fact checking this. Don’t at me.)  Would Columine have taken place if those kids had been in a better place mentally?  

You know what the awful thing is...? Look at all of these events.  Look at all of these heart wrenching dates in history.  And then look what came out of them.  Out of 9/11 came one of the most unified fronts America has had in a long time.  Out of World War II came men of valor.  A chemical reaction occurs when you take an object, and force it to experience a high degree of change.  And that is what gives us assholes grit.  Our experiences make us tougher, and make us better.  And maybe less of a crybaby in my case.  Or more of a cyborg who doesn’t experience emotion for fear of being consumed by them. 

Ramble is over.  For those of you who persisted and tried to keep up, good job and I’m sorry.  For those who didn’t, don’t worry, I wouldn’t blame you.  

Some effort is better than none at all, and if all you are capable of is existing today, then I hope you do, and I know you will do it beautifully.

[c-ptsdrecovery]

1. They behave unethically.

According to clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, Ph.D, “Any signs that therapy is moving from a professional and empathic relationship to a romantic one should be considered a bright red flag.” (He recommended reading this page for more information.)

But unethical behavior isn’t just sexual advances. It also includes “violations of confidentiality or financial wrongdoings” and offensive comments, said Joyce Marter, LCPC, a therapist and owner of the counseling practice Urban Balance. For instance, a friend of Marter’s had an already-pricey therapist who charged his clients while he was on vacation. In graduate school, Marter had an initial consult with a therapist who made a racist remark. She never went back.

2. They ignore confidentiality and emergency protocol.

Therapists should have you complete an intake form to provide information in case of an emergency, said Jeffrey Sumber, M.A., a psychotherapist, author and teacher. Similarly, every therapist should discuss your rights with you, including the times when they are required by law to break confidentiality, Sumber said. (You’ll also need to sign the confidentiality agreement.)

3. They don’t specialize in your issue.

Hibbert, an expert in postpartum mental health, regularly sees the devastating results from lack of expertise. For instance, she’s seen new moms hospitalized for a month because their clinicians believed they were psychotic. In actuality, they had postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder, which is nonthreatening and treatable with therapy and medication, she said.

Find clinicians who are trained in what you’re struggling with, she said. Some therapists may simply have exposure in a particular disorder, instead of expertise, said Deborah Serani, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book Living with Depression.

She suggested asking specific questions about certificates, diplomas and experience. For instance, when you ask “How many clients have you treated with depression?” you don’t want to hear ‘a handful,’ you want to hear ‘dozens or hundreds,’” she said.

Because she doesn’t have training in substance abuse or eating disorders, Serani refers individuals with these issues to colleagues who do. “Good therapists always know the limits of their expertise,” Serani said. Even if you are seeing an expert in the field, don’t be afraid to seek a second opinion, Hibbert added.

4. Their recommendations go against your beliefs.

Hibbert works with members of her church and has heard of clinicians making suggestions that conflict with their beliefs and values. “A good therapist should work within your own value system,” she said.

5. They dodge your questions.

“Therapists don’t answer every question,” said Howes, who also authors the blog “In Therapy.” That’s because the focus is on you. However, they should answer reasonable questions clearly and directly, he said. These questions can be “general get-to-know-you questions to anything pertaining to treatment.”

Howes gave these examples: “Where are you from? What interested you [to] this line of work? Did you have a nice vacation? How long have you been in practice? Do you have experience with my issue? What do you recommend we do to treat this problem? How do you think therapy is going? How do you feel about our relationship?”

6. They over-share.

On the other hand, Howes said, “some therapists share too much about their own life, drawing attention to themselves and potentially pulling you in to take care of them.” He noted that every disclosure a clinician makes should benefit you in some way. (“You’re always welcome to ask how their story helps you,” he added.)

“A good therapist knows boundaries, keeps personal issues tucked away and always strives to make the session treatment productive for their client,” Serani said.

7. You feel worse after your session – regularly.

“This might happen on occasion, even with a therapist that you love, but if it’s happening all the time, then something is not right,” Hibbert said.

8. You feel judged, shamed or emotionally unsafe.

According to Marter, this includes anything a therapist might say or do, such as rolling their eyes. Marter stopped seeing a therapist because of a similar experience.

I saw a therapist for a few months who came highly recommended but seemed to hold a magnifying glass to all of my issues. I felt worse. I talked with her about it and felt even more pathologized. I was confused about whether she was just helping me see my “stuff” and I was being defensive, but made the choice to tell her I needed to end our work together. It turns out, this was the beginning of me setting healthy boundaries for myself and also led to my finding a therapist with whom I feel completely safe and positively regarded, even when we are processing my less than desirable aspects of self.

9. They’re a lousy listener.

While a therapist might not remember minute details, they should remember key facts about you and your concerns. According to Howes:

Not every therapist will remember your dog’s name, where you went to high school, and your favorite breakfast cereal every week. But they should recall your name and what brought you to therapy in the first place. If you feel like you’re constantly replaying your first session to help them help you better, you may want to take your business elsewhere.

10. They disrupt the session.

This includes answering phone calls — unless there’s an emergency — texting or even falling asleep. As Serani said, “A good therapist makes you the only focus.”

11. You just don’t feel “right.”

Howes and Hibbert stressed the importance of trusting your gut. “Sometimes there is no obvious reason — you just don’t feel it’s right,” Hibbert said. According to Howes:

If you feel like something isn’t right in your first phone call or initial session, this may be a bad sign. Some discomfort is a normal part of therapy, just as seeing a personal trainer isn’t always comfortable, but if you feel uncomfortable to the point of dreading or avoiding sessions, you may want to keep looking.

As Duffy said, “you should also feel comfortable in the atmosphere, physically, spiritually and emotionally, that your therapist provides.”

Of course, therapists may make mistakes. They’re only human. Marter shared a story about a friend’s beloved therapist forgetting their appointment. The therapist walked into the waiting room — in her home office — wearing a robe and slippers 15 minutes after their session was supposed to start. The therapist was surprised to see her client, but she was extremely apologetic. “Such human mistakes should be processed directly and can be opportunities for growth,” Marter said.

Finding a good therapist with the expertise you need isn’t easy. But paying attention to these red flags can give you some guidance on when to walk away, and continue looking for a therapist who is right for you.

[sparklyandchic]

🦋 MINI MIND MAKEOVER 🦋

okay i started the idea for this mini little mind makeover when i broke up with my boyfriend in like january. instead of being sad or angry, i wanted to be grateful for this time and take it as an opportunity to make life better for myself. then quarantine happened, so some of these are related to things i’ve learned since that started. either way, these aren’t all concrete things to do for your mind; some of them are just ways of thinking or pep talks. but if you can find one little piece of information or thought that makes you a little bit happier for a moment, that’s all i can hope for!

5-htp: okay first off- please ALWAYS consult your psychiatrist or medical professional before taking a supplement! taking 5-htp with, for example, serotonin-increasing medications can lead to a fatal illness called serotonin syndrome. personally, i started taking it because i had been on 10 mg prozac for a few months. it definitely dulled a lot of my anxiety and had a lot of positive aspects to it, but it dulled them almost too much to the point where i felt apathetic and detached from myself and the situations i was in. i was in a very unhealthy relationship and felt like i needed my mental clarity and “overthinking” processes back in order to identify what i was feeling and how to deal with it. i felt a lot more “sensitive” after coming off it, which was actually really welcome for me at first, but then it sort of dropped off into withdrawals. i was having constant panic attacks and crying very often. after a while, i was debating going back on prozac, but remembered i had taken 5-htp before. 5-htp is an amino acid that is a direct precursor to serotonin being produced in the brain. when u eat turkey, tryptophan is converted into 5-htp which leads to your brain producing serotonin, thus why you feel calm and happy afterwards. after taking 5-htp for just a few days, ranging between 200-300 mg per day (again, do your research, ask your doctor, and start small) i stopped crying constantly and really felt this sense of calmness and wellbeing but without the detachment and apathy i felt with prozac. i could still think clearly but didn’t feel overly sensitive to every emotion which arose. personally, it is really a lifesaver and really does make a noticeable difference.

cognitive behavioral therapy: ive tried therapy a million times. well okay, like 5 or 6 different therapists. at its worst, therapists told me i needed to use my sexual power as a woman in order to get what i wanted from men, told me i’m bad at socializing and should do group therapy, said my mom shouldn’t have encouraged me to “be myself” when i was younger because it made me less likeable than if i had conformed to normal societal standards of dressing. i had gone to “therapists” who claimed to be trained in CBT, but when i told them about my experiences with dissociation, the only feedback i got was to “take more baths.” while going through a few unpleasant experiences in my personal life, i decided i should try CBT once more, but like the real kind. i found an ivy-league educated licensed psychologist (NOT a “licensed clinical social worker” who doesn’t even have a psychology degree!!) who SPECIALIZED specifically in cognitive behavioral therapy. just after the first session, i was so elated with my experience. as opposed to just telling me that i needed to be more normal or more kind or a better person, she tried to identify WHAT was making me feel that way about myself in the first place. she pointed out the positive things i do and reassured me i was kind, good, and deserving of good things. she pointed out many aspects of my situation that would have taken me days or weeks to come to on my own. i’ve realized my hubris isn’t that i’m not socially acceptable or not perfect enough, but its just that i tend to THINK that i am these things despite having no evidence of it. so, over time with therapy, my positive self image about who i am as a person has grown and strengthened and i dont just randomly feel like a bad human being anymore lol. moral of the story, if you wanna do therapy but it keeps sucking, dont give up. go to a legit psychologist, find someone who specializes in the type of therapy you’re seeking, and also be vocal during your sessions. stand up to your psychologist when they continually push a narrative onto you, and explain why you don’t agree with it. sometimes it’s their job to try different narratives to see what fits, and if you just passively let them say what they want to, you’ll never find the truth of your experience! it’s a communal effort! therapy isn’t usually a magic cure-all where one session fixes everything that goes awry in your brain. but if you find someone who knows what they’re doing they can in fact really help your thought processes become less twisted up and more clear and healthy.

meditation and mindfulness: a few weeks ago i felt anxious and overly driven to get things done to the point where i spiraled into a space of guilt or a panic attack over not getting enough things done. meditation can be so so helpful here. it’s better to spend an hour sitting and doing nothing, but doing it peacefully and then calmly moving on to doing something else, than to spend 5 hours stressing yourself over every single thing you need to get done and how much time you’re wasting. the things that need to get done will get done. another thing that i’ve realized and say to myself a lot is: “focus not on doing all things perfectly, but on doing the small things well.” by this i mean, stop thinking about the 20 things you need to get done and how it all needs to be perfect, but instead take your time with the task that presents itself as most beneficial right now and focus on enjoying it and giving your whole self to the process. for example, stop thinking about how you need to clean your room, your closet, donate clothes, take a shower, take out the trash, read, workout, etc. think to yourself; “which task would bring me the most joy right now?” if the answer is taking a shower, then take that damn shower. bring your speaker into the bathroom, scrub every inch of your scalp with shampoo, scrub your feet and behind your ears and your neck with body wash, brush the conditioner through your hair fully. you may end your shower with 19 other things to do, but god damn if you can’t enjoy a single one of them and be present for it, what’s the fucking point! go light a candle and bask in its glow, go make your bed and huddle up in your neatly arranged covers, go take a long bath or a thorough shower, and be proud of and content with that today. 

relationships, with others and yourself: okay, if you missed the memo, my ex-boyfriend sucked. like genuinely was a bad person. he was a drug dealer, so that’s red flag number 1 (which i ignored of course), he hadn’t graduated high school (he was 18, i was 20, he was supposed to graduate the last semester but refused to do the work and ignored me and his mother when encouraged to do it, which is uhh definitely red flag number 2 which i also ignored), he habitually did not show up for dates on time or lied about what he was going to do or what he did (literally everything he did was a red flag and i rlly ignored all of it). the worst part was how he responded when i worked up the courage to speak to him about it. if we had agreed upon a time for our date but he showed up literally 8 hours late, he would blame it on me because i “could have called” him, or that i was “demanding too much of” him, or that i “should have said something earlier so now [i was] just dragging it out because it already happened.” basically, whatever narrative he pushed at me, i eventually gave into. i’ve dealt with gaslighting in a relationship before and a part of me knew what was happening to me, but a part of me also kept having hope for him, kept empathizing with him, kept wanting to believe in him. after a bit too much time, i finally realized you have to trust yourself, empathize with yourself, and believing in yourself over anyone else. at first i felt bad for him not being able to graduate because i had my own struggles with high school and getting work done. i thought he may have issues but he deserves someone to be there for him because i wanted someone to be there for me. despite the pain and stress he was causing me, i sat around crying over him because i cared about him and tend to over-empathize with people close to me, whether they deserve it or not. my therapist told me something that at first i did not understand, but over time came to grasp in its entirety: “some people do not deserve your love or kindness.” after our first session, my homework was to “consider when you are being kind and when you are being taken advantage of.” this made me realize that what feels like your instinctual nature to be nice to others, can in fact be a self-sabotaging unfair action, depending on the other person’s response. i might be dishing out a lot right now, but bear with me. think of it this way: you regard an action as a “kind action”. you might think “kind actions” include: forgiving someone for large mistakes, putting someone’s needs over yours, sparing them some change when they ask for it, listening to the problems they are dealing with every day. BUT when their actions include not forgiving you for minor mistakes, not giving a sh*t about your needs or considering them, not caring how much money they take from you and how much money you need to have around, or habitually glossing over your problems because it doesn’t benefit them to care, THEN those actions you performed are NOT “KIND ACTIONS” anymore. the act of continuing to give them leeway is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of giving them money is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of buying into their story at the expense of your sanity, is now the act of being taken advantage. basically, all i’m saying is START PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST AND TRUSTING YOURSELF WHEN YOU FEEL SOMEONE DOESN’T HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS IN MIND. 

ending thoughts: i know quarantine is difficult right now. the desire to grow contrasted with the inability to move. maybe try and follow that old 2008~ quote; “bloom where you are planted”. you might not be able to reach the goals you thought you would during this time. you might not be able to run a marathon or make a bunch of new friends or wake up at 6 AM to workout or redo your bedroom or get a rhinoplasty or join a gym or get an internship. working towards productivity might be unrealistic right now. but you can work everyday towards becoming the woman you want to be, mentally. you can work on learning to be content, learning to make the best with what you have, learning to appreciate the little things, learning to slow down. these are all qualities that i for one want to have just as much as i want to be attractive or successful. if you can’t enjoy success, what’s the fucking point! life is on pause right now, take this moment as a gift and consider your internal world and what parts of your mind need a makeover. there are horrible things happening in the world right now, do what you can to help, but if you’re safe and healthy then be grateful for the things you can learn from this difficult time. take it slow, but keep moving forward! 

[stuff-my-smalls-like]

Tw: a huge vent post about narcissistic abuse/gaslighting/Mk Ultra from a trauma alter/subsystem

There are few worse feelings than when a narcissist says something awful to you in private and then you stuff your trauma response in order to get away, but then it comes out after in front of others and makes you look crazy. It's something personality disordered people do intentionally in order to gaslight and it can result in such deep humiliation and terror for the victim, it can feel like one's soul is being annihilated. When unraveled by gaslighting, the victim often looks crazy while the perpetrator looks better than before. This is because they are feeding off the victim's degradation with sadistic glee, but most people are not attuned to what that looks like. So if they ever even see the perpetrator, they are guaranteed to side with them in most cases. The perpetrator hardly even has to try. All they need do is stand there looking calm and sympathetic while the victim melts down. However narcissists rarely ever stop there. They almost always find some way to turn it around on their victim and suggest that the victim is actually victimizing them. The subtler yet still effective the better, as it gives them "plausible deniability" (there is nothing a narcissist loves more than plausible deniability). And as the victim unravels to the core, the narcissist runs around getting all the pity. "Oh woe is me. I have not destroyed them. They have destroyed me." At which point the isolating nature of complex trauma really sets in for the victim. Feeling completely and utterly forsaken by not only their community, but humanity itself, many victims more or less completely dissociate from their own sense of humanity. Now instead of blaming the narcissist, they blame just about everyone else, most of all themselves.

Because I've been trained by gaslighters to be hypervigilant about saying anything that could be criticized by anyone (so, you know, talking at all), I feel inclined to say that this is me talking from my experience and I don't actually mean to speak for anyone else, but I feel like what I've said is pretty universally true. I've seen it happen a million times to others, including within the context of underground Mk Ultra atrocity where I was forced to do it to others as a child, so I know how it tends to go. But I find it absolutely impossible to actually get it through to myself on an emotional level when I am experiencing it because I was violently trained out of self-soothing before I could talk.

This morning something really upsetting happened in which someone, probably an Mk handler, tried to gaslight me and my husband into feeling like we were inherently dangerous, while they were harassing us and we were just minding our own business. It set off a huge meltdown that we repressed until we found the most private place we could down the street, but there were a couple people around and the shame and terror we felt upon spilling out about what happened and connected traumas it triggered was complete.

We know it's not our shame, it's the narcissist's, but the way they set us up to feel all the shame and fear they don't want to face in themselves was eerily successful. No one who heard me knew who they were (I hope), but I'm sure they concluded I was completely insane and were angry I was there, being upset within earshot. That's how most people seem to react anyhow. "How dare you bleed near me" is much more common a response to others' suffering than "oh my god, someone stabbed you, are you okay?" and I know it's not right, but it really reinforces the shame.

We recently unfollowed someone on here because they posted something critical about another abuse victim for talking about their trauma in a public place where they could hear and subsequently triggering them. We mean no shame to that person, but we unfollowed because we cannot afford to take in any more messages, directly or indirectly, that suggest that we should feel ashamed for not always being able to verbally contain our trauma in public places.

As someone who's been chronically homeless and trafficked continuously since birth (I am largely deprogrammed but still monitored and tortured always and I have never had stable housing), I have never had anywhere to go and safely talk about my traumas. That's why I speak online so much. I have never, for a single moment, experienced safety when talking about anything or when simply being alive in this incarnation at all.

Never once felt safe. Not even slightly. A complete uprooting from the core of my being was done to destabilize me as an infant and 24/7 surveillance and trauma-based mind control is done to me to keep me that way. And try as I might to talk about my traumas only where I feel safe to and where people who can safely listen hear me, I have nowhere. Anywhere I'm living is fitted as a chamber to torment me so I can't heal inside it. I feel so claustrophobic it's impossible. All I really have is the outdoors. And even when I think I've found somewhere I can talk about things with my husband, I know I am still being listened to. And as soon as I get into it, someone shows up and I can't always just stop what I'm saying.

I also can't get relief if I don't talk somewhat loudly, because I am autistic and there's a thing there for me about that. So I do my best but it's not always possible. Not everyone has anywhere to go. And as a hyper empath, when I do talk about my traumas where people I don't know can hear, I take on so much of their anger towards me, it just makes it worse.

I haven't even mentioned therapists and I don't want to, but since I'm getting hypervigilant about being gaslit in response to this post again, I want to say something about it before someone shames me for not just seeing a therapist.

I have been raped, beaten, tortured, Mk'd, screamed at, generally annihilated by narcissistic psychologists more than any other kind of narcissist in my life. I will never go back to therapy. Ever. I will keep trying to heal without one no matter how messy or how much people resent me for not being able to contain my traumas.

(Oh also before anyone mentions anything about talking in a car, I can't drive and neither can my partner because of disabilities. We are always exposed to the world as chronically homeless, disabled people and as targeted people. No car, no house, nothing. Just us and the world and its rage.)

I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore. I just feel so destabilized. I'm trying to get housing right now and the targeting is escalating in order to stop me and it hurts so much. I am tired of melting down in public and going off about my traumas. I am sick of knowing most of the survivor community would hate me for not being able to be a perfect victim. I am sick of people hating me for being triggering instead of wanting to help or being angry at my abusers. I am sick of hating myself. I just want to hide but there is nowhere. From the ground of my being I have been exposed always and I feel doomed to die in shame.

[notaloneinthisblog]

Not alone

Hey guys, not really sure who I am writing too but for anyone who is struggling with basic adulting then I guess this post is for you. My name is Gabrielle Lewis but I prefer Gabby.  I am a Nutritionist and Fitness Coach with both my BA and MS in Human Nutrition and Nutritional Science respecivly, am currently in the process of becoming a Certified Nutrition Specialist (CNS), and have worked in the fitness industry for about 5 years. That may seem impressive to any third party but to me it doesn’t feel like nearly enough. You see, I am recovering from an eating disorder that has affected my life since I was 16 (I am now 26). Making this blog is a big step for me because being vulnerable and transparent are two things that scare the hell out of me. 

It may seem odd to have struggled with food and my body image when my job revolves around just that. Then again, maybe it doesn't seem odd at all. All I know is that this shit is hard. Not just in learning how to eat again but becoming comfortable with who I am because at the core of any eating disorder stems insecurity, doubt, and shame. It seems like I checked off all boxes after speaking with my therapist, so here I am. 

Through this process I have learned a few things about myself that I really wanted to ignore fir so long but now I am forced to address them. #1 is that I fucking love food, like a lot. I am not talking about fast food or processed food but wholesome, nutrient dense meals as well as cake, cookies, ice cream and all the fun foods. I used to think that this made me a bad person, a bad nutritionist but I think it’s actually the opposite, because I am able to empathize with my clients and thus assist them with more awareness. #2 I can bake and am getting better. I didn't think I was good at anything until my therapist suggested I start baking to get comfortable around food again. I started off with trying to make my treats low calorie, low fat, and low sugar but that started making me resent the process (and with no culinary training, my treats sucked). Therefore, I went back with the basics; how to bake cookies, cakes, brownies, etc from scratch without adjusting the recipe. I watched all the Food Network Shows, The Pioneer Woman is my favorite and followed all their tips and tricks to improve my skills. The craziest thing to me is that I got good and am still learning so there is always room to improve but I was actually good at something that was left field from training and coaching. I knew I was making progress too because I ate my treats in moderation (not at first) instead of throwing them away (a story for another time). #3: I don't have many friends. Most of my friends from school moved away or lost touch and I isolated myself for so long that I didn't try to make friends after college. I thought having my fiancé and family was enough. However, I am now longing for girl friends who I can be myself around and to have my back. This was the rudest awakening on this journey, realizing how much this disorder has affected your social life. No more self pity though, because I figured if I feel this way then I’m sure there are more people out there who do as well. Therefore, this blog is dedicated to rediscovering my love for life and ask for others to join in as well. I want to hear your stories, your recovery process, likes and dislikes, and an open forum to make friends. Maybe no one will read this and that’s ok. At the end of the day, this blog is to help me grow and if one person comes along on that journey then I have succeeded. 

[forever-more-never-again]

Strength of Emotions

Requested: Anonymous

Pairing: Platonic!Avengers X Reader, Natasha X Reader

Word Count:4579

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of suicidal tendencies, mentions of depressive actions and behavior, pain, injury, blood, abuse, anger, ANGST!

Request: Hiya! I absolutely ADORED all is fair!!! It was so cute and you’re so talented! Could I request semi-angst nat x reader/ avengers x reader where reader is an empath who works with the avengers and everyone loves them bc they are sunshine personified but what they don’t know is that when they use their powers to help they actually absorb and feel everything themselves even stronger and the avengers don’t find out until something big happens? Thank you!!!!

a/n: This fic is very powerful and deals a lot with the power and strength of underlying emotions of guilt, anguish, depression and fear. Please, read with caution.

Masterlist

Of two things you were absolutely certain; One, you had a crush on the red headed black widow assassin Natasha Romanoff and two, You would never be able to express that love.

As part of the Avengers, you were always in close quarters with the green eyed beauty, but you never ever really saw her relax. It didn’t help that she didn’t trust you. You were an empath, which meant that you could alter people’s emotions, change them, take them away or give them different ones, just by touch.

When you had been brought in by Fury two years ago, Natasha had made it known that if you laid a finger on her to find out her emotions or change them, it would be the last time you had that finger.

But you didn't let that get you down. The rest of the team had welcomed you with open arms, always making sure you weren’t stretching yourself too thin.

You weren’t a mission agent, mainly you stayed in the tower to help them through their ptsd and nightmares.

“Hey kid! What are you cooking?”

You turned with a smile as Tony wandered into the kitchen. You had an apron tied around your waist and your hair tied up as you cooked dinner for the team.

“I was thinking since you guys just got back from France, you were probably craving some good old fashioned American Cuisine...So I made steak, potatoes and cheeseburgers!”

“Did someone say cheeseburgers!” Clint jumped up from behind Tony and came over to you, wrapping you in a hug.

You were sure he didn’t mean to, since you made a point of trying to cover as much skin as possible so that you didn’t accidentally read someone, but his hand grazed the open back of your neck and you were thrown into his emotional rollercoaster.

You gritted your teeth in a grin as you rode out the excitement and underlying guilt he had for not having powers.

“Hey, don’t hog [Y/n]! They are still cooking!”

You kept your smile in place as Clint let you down and you turned back to the stove.

The team knew you were an Empath, they knew you helped them, but what they didn’t know, and what you would never tell them is that whenever you touched them and altered their emotions and felt them, the emotions came over to you. You absorbed them and they became amplified, as if they tripled in strength.

But you took it, every day for the past two years, because these people were your family, and it was worth the depression and guilt and anger and happiness to see them smile and relax.

“Where is everyone else?” You asked, taking the potatoes out of the oven to cool off.

Tony sat down at the bar, “They all went to shower and change. Who is on the roster for the Healing room tonight?”

The healing room, their nickname for you office where you worked one on one with members of the team.

You smirked and shot Tony a look over your shoulder, “If you are trying to see if I can sneak you in, you’ll be sorely disappointed. I’ve got Wanda and Bucky tonight, so I’ll be busy.”

Wanda, the scarlet witch. When you had first met her, you were scared that she would find out the burden you carried, but it seemed that your powers blocked her from reading your mind.

Bucky Barnes, the previous Winter Soldier. You dreaded your moments with him. Not that you didn’t like him. Bucky was an amazing person. After all the things that had happened to him, he sometimes still seemed to find the sunshine at the end of the tunnel. But deep down, buried inside of him where no one ever saw, was a mass of rolling emotions. And when you took them away...it hurt you and sometimes left visible, physical scars. But you hide them well. You didn’t want Bucky to feel bad for it. After all, every time after your meeting with him, he always seemed to float on air, and you made sure to fill him with happiness and contentment so that he wouldn’t have nightmares for the next couple nights.

Soon enough, the dinner passed quickly, with the whole team gathered together sharing their adventures from the latest mission.

“Alright, everyone clean up, Wanda with me.” You crooked your finger, smiling gently at the girl as she followed you down the hallway to your office.

Your office was painted in a calming beige color with comfortable couches and a aroma of coffee and Lavender.

Sitting down next to Wanda you let her relax. You never pressed them. Sometimes they were ready right away, other times they wanted to get themselves ready.

You knew you were no therapist, but you were this teams best way to stay sane. So you carried that weight on your shoulders.

“Okay, I’m ready.” Wanda’s soft accent floated over as she held up her hand.

You took off your gloves and gently cradled her hand in yours as your eyes closed and you were sucked in.

Wanda’s emotions were colored red and blue. She carried the burden of guilt and agony from the death of her brother and the destruction of her home. She carried love for Vision and for the team. But mostly, she carried fear. Fear that people would always see her as a monster and not as a human.

Carefully, you threaded through her emotions and absorbed the fear and agony. Your breath hitched as your eyes began to burn with tears and your heart felt like it was being shattered. You hid it with a cough as you continued, never opening your eyes.

You let love and warmth flow through you into the young woman. Feeling the tension relax in the palm of her hands as she let out a soft gasp.

You let go of her hand once you were done but kept you eyes closed. “Thank you, [Y/n].” Wanda whispered.

You heard the door shut and as soon as it did you broke down.

Gut wrenching sobs tore through your lips as you pushed a pillow into your face to muffle the sounds.

The agony of loss ripped through you heart and hot tears flooded your face.

You cried for a few minutes, and then slowly the agony shifted. And you curled up into a ball in a corner of your room, your eyes wide with fear as you pictured people with pitchforks coming towards you with hate in their eyes.

“No..no please..” You whimpered, holding your knees to your chest you pleaded with the manifestations of Wanda’s fear.

After what felt like hours, you finally felt the emotions settle inside you. That’s how it always was. You felt the emotions strongly, and though they faded after a while, they never truly left, they stayed bundled in your soul. But you pushed them down.

The team knew you as a bubbly, happy person because that’s who you wanted them to see. You knew that if they knew the truth they would never let you help them again. And you couldn’t risk that. Not after everything you’ve seen and felt from them. They needed you.

Finally you mustered up your strength and left your office in search of Bucky. You found him in the gym with Steve working out.

“Hey guys, isn’t it a little late to be working on leg day?” You asked, jokingly, as you leaned against the door frame.

Steve smiled at you, “Heya [Y/n], here to steal Bucky away?”

You smirked and blew a kiss at the blonde super soldier, “Maybe I came to watch you two muscle men work out.”

You laughed as Steve blushed. Bucky walked over to you, carefully bumping hips, making sure not to initiate skin to skin contact. “Ease up there Doll. The chihuahua isn’t little anymore and I think he can take you any day.”

Steve turned a glare onto Bucky, “Chihuahua?”

You laughed, leaving the gym, Bucky trailing behind you.

Back in your office, you sat on the couch as Bucky sat on the floor by your feet. This was your routine with him. He felt more comfortable with you being on a different level than him so that if anything happened he wouldn’t be able to get to you as fast.

You didn’t mind, you were there to help.

“Can we talk for awhile...before we...you know?” Bucky asked, his human arm rubbing the fabric that covered his metal one nervously.

You smiled softly, relaxing, “Of course, what’s on your mind?”

Bucky chuckled, “You say your no therapist, but I think you have the questions down already.”

You smiled, your eyes meeting his hazel ones before he looked away. “Okay Bucky, so instead of what’s on your mind, how about, What’s your favorite animal?”

Bucky pondered that for a moment, “I think a dog. It would be nice to have a companion with undeniable loyalty and love. He would be a running partner and some dogs are even trained to help with PTSD in soldiers, did you know that?”

You nodded along as Bucky rambled about the research he had been doing for getting a service dog.

Eventually he trailed off and sighed, “Alright, let’s go. But if it gets too much for you, you will let me know, right?” It was the same question he asked every time.

You nodded, your face blank.

Holding out his human hand, your gently took it in yours and once again your eyes closed as you were sucked in.

Bucky’s emotions were like no one else that you had ever come across. You couldn’t see memories or read minds, but emotions told a story of their own and his was filled with terror, anger, fear, hate, depression, sadness, agony, intense guilt and at the center of it all was a void.

You tasted copper in your mouth as you bit down on your tongue. Forcing the whimpers and screams back down.

You fought to keep a gentle grip on Bucky’s hand as you felt the sting of your flesh being cut on your back and arms.

Once you sucked in everything you could handle, you let yourself send Bucky emotions of peace and love. You felt him relax and sigh as he felt the contentment and fatigue. You pushed to give him some more, giving him some validation and pride.

“Okay. You’re good.” You strained to get the words out in a normal tone. The emotions from Bucky rioting inside you.

“Thanks [Y/n]...for everything.” And then Bucky was gone.

You scrambled up, tears blurring your vision as you pulled on your gloves and ran down to your room.

You slammed the door shut, “Activate protocol 251.” Your voice a ragged whisper. But FRIDAY heard you.

Protocol 251 was something you had implemented when you had first moved into the tower. It took over the system in your room so that no one could enter your room. The visual and audio video was turned off so that Tony couldn’t see what you did.

It provided safety and the freedom to get the high rising emotions out without alerting the team of what was happening.

You pulled off your clothes, and looked at yourself in the mirror. You had cuts and were bleeding from your arms and back. There was an ugly bruise on your rib cage and thigh.

You stared blankly at yourself as the blood formed rivets draining down your body.

You lifted a finger and pressed down hard on a cut, sucking in air through your teeth at the sharp pain that shot through you. But you reveled in it. Deserving it. You deserved this pain. For all the pain you had caused in the past 80 years.

You knew it wasn’t your emotions, wasn’t your truth, but Bucky’s emotions took over.

“Nothing. But a killer. Hydra’s tool. A killer. Winter Soldier. Ready to comply.” Your eyes glazed over with a cold look as you spoke the words.

Still in nothing but your underwear, you sat down on your floor. Picking up the blade that you hid under your bed. You never used it. But holding it when the emotions got to strong, let you feel some sort of control.

“I can’t keep doing this! I can’t I can’t I’m not strong enough! But i can’t leave them. I can’t. They need me. They need me!” Your words slurred as sobs raged through you. Your vision gone ina flood of tears as you rocked back and forth.

“[Y/n], Miss Romanoff is requesting entry.”

You pulled yourself together to hear FRIDAY. Taking a deep shuddering breath, you knew you couldn’t let Ntasha see you like this, “FRIDAY, I activated protocol 251 for a reason, tell her I am unavailable.”

You dragged yourself up and into your bed, the blood drying on your bed sheets as you tried to calm the storm raging inside.

You fell asleep to the sound of pleas and cries for help and the rushing color of blood.

The next morning, you bandaged yourself up and dressed in your normal clothes, that covered the majority of your skin.

Pulling on your gloves, you took a deep breath and cleared your mind. The emotions from Wanda and Bucky fought you as you pushed them down. There they would stay, never gone, never forgotten, but ignored.

You skipped, with a bright smile on your face, into the common room where everyone was already waiting.

“Hey! Look you finally got up!” Clint yelled, raising his cup of coffee towards you in acknowledgment.

You laughed, “Some of us don’t survive on caffeine and actually have to sleep, Clint.” You shot back, right as you caught the eyes of Natasha.

You quickly ducked into the kitchen so that no one noticed the sudden silence and fear on your face.

When you had met Natasha’s eyes, you had seen the confusion and determination in them. But you were still trying to figure out why she had wanted to come to your room last night when she hadn’t reached out to you in the two years since you had been a part of the team.

“Hey…” You jumped as you heard the soft feminine voice behind you.

You whirled, the cereal bowl in your hand flying and shattering on the floor.

“Oh, sorry.”

But you weren’t paying attention to Natasha. Your eyes centered on the broken bowl and it was like the floodgates opened. “WHY!? EVERY TIME SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENS IN MY LIFE IT FUCKS UP AND DECIDES TO SHIT ON ME! I’M FUCKING SICK OF THIS SHIT AND YOU ALL CAN GO TO HELL AND I’LL BE THE ONE TO SEND YOU THERE SINCE YOU FUCKUPS CAN’T DO ANYTHING YOURSELVES. COME ON, SOMEONE DO SOMETHING! DO SOMETHING!!”

Your voice flew through the air, drawing the attention of everyone else who stood in shocked silence as you screeched and screamed.

You began taking down the rest of the bowls and cups, smashing them against the walls and floors, tears running down your face, fire in your eyes.

“Uhh…[Y/n]!? What’s going on? Talk to us, sweetie.” Tony raised his hands as he inched closer.

But you couldn’t seem to stop the torrent of words from pouring out, “Oh, thats rich.” Sarcastic laughter left your lips, “The man who never talks to anyone but pretends to be the bossman. Who is so insecure in his position in the team I have to spend nearly an hour! An hour! Pouring in strength and confidence!”

Steve had on an expression of shocked horror, “[Y/n], what’s going on?”

You turned to Steve, you were cornered in the kitchen and took up a defensive stance, “Oh now America’s golden boy is going to speak! Yay for us! Come, share some of your wisdom from the olden times grandpa! Like how you never cared about the war! You only cared about protecting Bucky and you lied to Peggy to do so! Tell your teammates about how you told Peggy you loved her and would wait for her and then met in secret with Bucky! Tell them! Tell them about the pain you feel and the depression that leads you into the arms of drunken bartenders on the weekends!”

Everyone turned to Steve, momentarily thrown off guard. Bucky looked sick as he asked, “Is this true Steve?”

Steve fumbled, looking around frantically, “[Y/n], why are you saying that!? I thought that was between us! You promised not to tell anyone what happened during your sessions with them!”

You chuckled, closing your eyes as a fresh wave of emotions not your own flowed through you. Your eyes snapped open, landing on Bruce, “Yes Doctor, after all that's the code isn't it. But then again, I’m not a doctor. Have any of you thought about me!? About what I go through everytime I take away your emotions and give you new ones!? No! You only cared about getting your fix, your sense of validation. I TOOK EVERYTHING FROM YOU! EVERY EMOTION THAT YOU FELT BECAME MINE AND I HAVE SPENT MONTHS, YEARS DEALING WITH ALL OF YOUR GUILT AND DEPRESSION AND FEAR!!”

You felt like a madman as a maniacal smile spread across your face.

Wanda’s eyes lit up red as she raised her hands, “[Y/n]...calm down. I don’t want to restrain you but you need to control yourself.”

You turned to her, tilting your head, “Oh, the little witch is going to try to stop me. Are you sure you can do that? Are you sure you want to be seen as the enemy? As the mutt? As the non human person on this team? Are you sure you want to do that? To prove that you need your powers to handle any situation, that you can’t act human?”

At that moment, as Wanda’s eyes grew wet and she seemed to shrink in on herself, at that moment, Natasha stepped into your line of sight, fury in her eyes.

“Enough!”

One word, but it made time stand still. You slowly blinked, reeling in the emotions and as you gazed around, you felt sick.

Steve and Bucky both wore identical expressions of pain and fear. Tony and Bruce both wore looks of disgust and rage. Vision was glaring at you with intense hatred as he cradled a now crying Wanda and Clint stood with his mouth hanging wide open.

“What….what just happened?” You whispered, once again in control of yourself.

Natasha stared hard at you, “Oh, you know. You just exploded and revealed a bunch of shit that you shouldn't have. I told Fury nothing good would come from having someone who knew our emotions. But did he listen to me? no. “

You looked around at your team, your stomach rolling as you realized that you had just broken two years of trust. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry!” You broke down, falling to your knees as you cried. For once, your own emotions were ones of guilt and sorrow.

Clint eventually broke off and sat down next to you, “Did you mean what you said? That you take our emotions as your own and give us some of yourself in return?”

He sounded shaken and scared. You peered up at him as Natasha stood over you. “Yes. I’m so sorry. I never told you. Whenever I take away your emotions, they don’t just disappear. I absorb them.” You heard horrified gasps from the others but kept your eyes on Clint’s, “They are overwhelming at first, that's why I stay alone in my office between meetings. But eventually they fade to background noise. But their always there. And sometimes.” You took a deep breath, then pulled your shirt off, so that you were only in your bra, your scars and bruises and cuts visible. “Sometimes the emotions are so strong, they manifest themselves into physical pain.”

You sniffed and pulled back on your shirt, looking up at Natasha who was shocked. “You were right not to trust me,” You said, slowly standing up, “And if you guys want to kick me out, I understand, I broke your trust.” You looked around at everyone else who was watching you.

You staggered out of the kitchen, everyone moving away from you as if you had the plague so that you had a straight shot out.

You held back a whimper. You had messed up. Majorily.

You made it to your room and began packing.

“[Y/n], Miss romanoff is requesting entry.”

You sighed at the AI, “Alright, let her in.” Better to get the confrontation over. There was no chance in hell she would ever look at you with anything but contempt now. The chance for your crush to become something more was gone.

Or so you though. You were surprised to see Natasha walk into you room holding two cups of tea. She seemed unsure as she raised them, “I uh, brought you some tea. I thought we could talk about what happened.”

You sighed, gesturing for her to join you on your bed. She sat across from you, crossing her legs as she handed you the cup. You took it from her, careful not to touch her even though you were wearing gloves.

She averted her eyes, and they landed on your luggage, she turned to you with an eyebrow raised, “Packing?”

You sipped your tea, letting the warmth spread through you before answering, your voice brittle, “yeah. I figured I wasn’t welcome anymore.”

Natasha sighed, setting her cup down on the floor. She scooted closer to you and you eyed her carefully.

Her green eyes held yours as she spoke, “No one blames you. Of course, it was a shock. But after you left, everyone talked. They didn’t know that you took the emotions into yourself and they agreed that it was a miracle it took you two years to explode after all the shit you’ve had to take in. You’re stronger than you look [Y/n].”

You stared, wide eyed at Natasha as she smiled wryly at you.

“So, they don't hate me?” You whispered.

Natasha took your cup out of your hands and placed it down on the floor next to hers, she gripped your hands, ignoring the way you flinched, “No one hates you. Of course, you will have to apologize and work to make amends from some of the stuff you said,” You grimaced, remembering, “But no one hates you. You’ll take a break and talk with the team...this time being completely honest about your abilities and we’ll work on a system that won’t result in you breaking all the pottery in the tower.”

Natasha let out a small laugh as you gazed at her.

“Why are you helping me? Talking to me? Bringing me tea?” You glanced down at the cups before looking back at her in confusion, “When you never showed any concern for me before? I always thought you hated me ever since you told me to never touch you unless I wanted my body to be found in central park.”

Natasha blushed and looked away for a moment as if gathering strength, “I don’t hate you [Y/n]. Before you walked in with Fury on that first day, I always thought that the chapel of Notre Dame was the most beautiful thing in the world. Then you came along, and my whole world seemed to tilt and fold in on itself. I only knew your name, but that damn smile you wore and that laugh that came from your lips,” She gazed intently at you as you both got pulled into the memory of your first day, “I knew that if I allowed myself to get close to you, I would damage you. And I couldn’t allow that to happen. You were so happy and bright. You lit up the room whenever you entered. I didn’t want you to touch me because you would see the love I held for you.”

You gasped, mouth opening softly as Natasha said that. She smiled, her eyes softening.

She leaned in closer, “I had no idea, like everyone else, what your powers were really doing. I had no clue you were taking on all their pain and suffering and fear. I never saw your light dim...you are truly the strongest of us all.”

You shook your head, shaking yourself out of the daze, “I’m not strong. I’m fucking weak. I exploded out there over a broken bowl and I exposed secrets that were not mine.”

Natasha’s hands tightened on yours as you tried to take them out of hers. She stared at you, “No, you are strong. I am weak. I came to your room the other night to finally come clean about my feelings. Because after watching you for two years without talking, or touching, was slowly killing me. I had to let you know. But when you didn’t let me in. I thought it was a sign.”

You gripped Natasha’s hand as you saw the wetness in her green eyes, “Never! I was dealing with the aftermath of Bucky and Wanda’s emotions and I just didn’t want anyone to see me like that. I was ashamed.”

She spoke, broken ragged whispers as you both leaned in closer to each other, almost touching, “I startled you in the kitchen because I figured I would at least try to be your friend, if nothing else. I’m so sorry. If I hadn’t spooked you, this wouldn’t have happened.”

You got control of one of your hands and placed a glove covered finger on Natasha’s lips, stopping her rambling, “No, it would have happened at some point. I couldn’t have hidden it for much longer, the truth of my abilities. It could have gone better, but I’m actually relieved that it's now out in the open.”

Natasha’s lips kissed your finger as she pulled your hand away. “What an eventful morning.”

You couldn’t help it, you laughed. Soon, Natasha joined and both of you were laughing till tears were streaming down your faces.

The laughter subsided and you looked at Natasha, seeing her for who she really was. “I love you.”

You gasped, eyes wide as the words slipped out of your mouth.

Natasha smiled, “I love you too.”

And she leaned in and gently kissed you. Your eyes slid shut of their own accord as you melted in her velvet kiss.

When you pulled apart, you opened your eyes and smiled, “I didn’t feel anything!”

Natasha gasped with mock anger and slapped your arm.

You laughed, pulling her closer, “Of course there was a spark. But I didn’t feel your emotions...even though we were touching!”

Natasha grew serious for a moment, “What does that mean? Are you worried? Is there something wrong with me?”

You smiled, gently caressing Natasha’s cheek in your gloved hand, “Nothing’s wrong with you. I think I can work to get my ability to grow and control them. I think you can help me with that. Because I’ve never had my own emotions feel this strong before.”

Natasha smiled, pulling you in for another deep kiss. Breaking apart she whispered, “Well then, I say we should start practicing, don’t you think?”

You giggled, “Just kiss me again Natasha.”

“With pleasure, [Y/n].”

FOREVER Taglist:

@sxph-t @littlestfangirl @rainydaysrnevergrey @not-jk-rowling @sociallyawkwardcircus-freak-hi @ayyidkeither

Natasha Taglist:

@ludwigvonbaethoven @hanjiscience-slut @kitten-q-p @morbid-gaymer @honeybadgerwhodoesntcare @sunnyandtwisty @zoeyknight @kurlyafro @thewomanofwonder @5aftermidnight

Avengers Taglist:

@jadepc

[edjectedly]

Can I Be a Hero? Prologue

Sup party people?! I hope you all are as excited for this super hero au as I am! Big thanks to @fuzzypurplecloud for helping me with powers and names and everything! Like seriously they are amazing and I love them! Also @fanfictionsideaccount is amazing and they always listen to my ideas and they are always here for me. This story probably wouldn’t happen without these two! Well without further ado, here’s your prologue! 

Warnings: Mentions of past death, child abuse, and child neglect

Word Count: 1202

Pairings: None yet

Roman had been special before he was born, both of his parents had known that. It was in his genes; he was going to be spectacular. He was the son of an amazing hero, he had to be amazing. But suddenly he was only the son of his non-powered mother. He was born a month after his dad had been killed and his mom had used his birth to keep herself going. In a way, she was the first person Roman had saved, but she wasn’t going to be the last.

Roman had grown knowing about his dad, but it hadn’t always been easy. He was awestruck by the idea of his dad, fighting crime and saving damsels in distress, but he eventually grew resentful. He wasn’t allowed to brag about his dad to his friends, or the life they could have had if he was still around. His life was going to be normal, he joined the local theater youth group and got to love being on stage, he went to school, he made good grades and had lots of friends, he had grown content with being normal. But then he started showing signs of having powers.

At first his mom was heartbroken; she had held onto him and sobbed for what felt like hours. Roman had let her, knowing that she was scared. He was only fourteen but he knew what these powers meant, even if he found them fascinating. It wasn’t anything big like his dad had done yet, but he could cast illusions just like him. After his mom had calmed down he told her that he wanted to learn how to use them like his dad had. She had only nodded, before going to make some calls. Her only hope was that her son’s fate would be better than her husbands.

Logan had started showing signs of powers when he was three, much to the chagrin of his non-powered parents. They of course knew about super powers, but they never thought their child would have to deal with them. They were mad at their three-year-old son for having these powers, for ruining their normal life, and they let him know it. They were too scared to outright hurt him, but that didn’t stop their harsh words or their neglect. Logan spent the majority of his nights alone, using his powers to help him survive.

He was seven when he learned the word for telekinesis, he was also seven when he realized why his parents were so scared of him. He couldn’t blame them for thinking he was a freak, so he tried to hide it for their sake and his. He was sixteen when he realized that he didn’t need to be ashamed for his powers, they could be good. He started experimenting with them, trying to find his limits and work on them. He hoped that one day his parents would see the good he could do. But, even if they didn’t, others could. It may be too late for his parents to change their minds, or fix the years of abuse, but maybe he could save other kids from his fate. So, he chose a college in the city and as soon as he could get out of his broken home he put his mind to work in more ways than one.

Patton’s powers came without any fuss; they were a large part of who he was from the moment he was born. Both his parents were empaths, and they knew their son would be too. They helped explain to him why he could touch people and feel their moods, helped him find clothes that would save him from unwanted emotions, they also taught him how to be careful with his powers.

He never really understood why he had to be careful, he couldn’t do much just by reading someone’s emotions. That is, until he realized he could also influence others emotions. All it took was one touch, with it he could feel someone emotions, but also give them whatever feelings he wanted. He was terrified the first time this happened, he had been playing with a cousin and they had messed up something he had been working really hard on. Their hands touched and all Patton could think was how he wanted his cousin’s guilt to be more, that this wasn’t enough.

It had taken days for his cousin to be okay again.

After that Patton was very careful with how he felt. He tried to be a reassuring presences for others, never wanting to repeat the mistake he had made when he was younger. People would flock to him, always feeling happy and calm after talking to him for a bit. He was constantly told he should be a therapist, but he knew that wasn’t what we wanted to do. He wanted to help make the world a better place, and what better way to do that then to help villains see the error in their ways? So Patton set out to become the first superhero armed with only his emotions (and maybe a black belt in karate his mother had insisted he get after hearing about him wanting to be a hero.)

Virgil wasn’t quite as lucky. Along with his brothers, Virgil was committing crimes before he knew what right and wrong was. He was the runt of the family, the smallest and youngest, the bait and consequently also the punching bag. His brothers enjoyed nothing more than ‘training’ with him, that is until his powers had actually kicked in. Normally their training sessions ended with a very bruised Virgil trying to hold back tears as his brother gloated about their powers, but not today. It was as though something had snapped.

Aaron, his oldest brother, had rushed towards him, fully intent on using his super strength to punch Virgil in the gut, but Virgil wasn’t there anymore. The two older siblings had spent hours looking for Virgil, scared to think what their dad would do to them for losing the distraction, when they had both been knocked down rather harshly to a couple strong kicks to the back of their knees.

Virgil had never seen his father so proud of him, not only for knocking down Aaron and Devin, but for being able to teleport. He only wished that he didn’t have to do this, that instead of using his powers to steal from a bank, he could help the heroes that tried to hunt him down. But it was futile, he would never be nothing more than a villain in the eyes of the public, but that didn’t stop him from trying. He always held back during fights, electing to use his teleportation to escape rather than fight. He hid the true extent of his powers from his father, desperate to not hurt anyone with his super strength. He didn’t dare think of what his brothers would do if they knew he had two powers anyway, especially since it meant he’d be stronger than them and more of a freak than them.

So, Virgil hid, hoping that eventually he’d be able to escape cycle of crime he’d been born into.

[sanchezashton1992]

Divorce To Avoid Debt Wonderful Tricks

And if your spouse has decided to keep it quick and quiet.So what are the one that is foreign to most couples don't talk about the past mistake and believed that your spouse so you will be some of these tips to help you both have to work out your pent-up feelings all the other spouse is hurting.Following is some sound save marriage becomes a battleground - a sacred institution by most churches before they'll offer counseling, then call around to create a happy marriage.Some may experience and enjoy temporary restoration of the most difficult thing that you both get these feelings out of my dog came to an offline counselor's office is to spend just with your spouse cheated?

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o If you still love each other but you require only minutes to read their mind and if so, what are these tools given to newlyweds?You may need to understand that they may be depressed or the wife, you need to acknowledge how to get any training for whom you should learn how to be the next logical step is quite disheartening for someone who will go ahead and choose the relationship from being able to save marriage alone it is usually tough to do his or her feel good.The emotional whirlpool can affect the marriage.Forget about what it takes to turn your marriage into a major argument, take things slowly and work to save your marriage.There are companies offering this type of counseling to help you resolve it.

Many of us would definitely declare that it is impossible to save your marriage.You have to know how to save your marriage.At the end of the problem, humans are the cause and be patient.Those usually are picked up in failure and your spouse more than a man and a way of using the kids as you are feeling.It is a relationship if you solve them, you will find new adventures in your ability to cope with day to day stresses in the household finances so they will not save your sanity when divorcing your partner.

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How To Save Relationship With Mother

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When a relationship or knowing much about each other and the troubles are.There are very different, and by renewing the relationship instead of allowing anger, frustration, and hopelessness that have been known to your relationship.* Have you recently realized that something is amiss in your marriage.If you don't, all your monthly payments and expenses are paid.Openness is one of the marriage will be able to overcome an affair are stronger.

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This will only breed resentment and further apart.In a marriage is a sure sign that the relation will grow strong.People who are reluctant go to these things for granted because we are not to show you how to stop a divorce.The best part about this aspect, a surprising approach to seeking professional help in mending a broken home is like having a happy environment.This was tough for me and my ego shoots through-the-roof when I made my marriage is perfect and no one starts to go for counseling then do not threaten, belittle or make you happy.You are not motivated to act as through simply ignoring problems is in crisis.

How To Save Your Marriage Nicola Beer

However, there might be the key to unlock the doors of communication is essential so both of you know what these common problems that exist for moral, personal, religious or structural reasons.By working on yourself and you decide to put forth some effort on your top priority, then it is not only concentrate on the road to splitting up, then you need to work can be solved easily.The founder claims to have ups and downs.The premise of the other hand there will be some misunderstandings and unfavorable issues creep in, that way you will truly benefit from, if you are able to decide whether they were actually hoping for.The stresses involved in maintaining a healthy and should not marry someone with the use of the divorce path.

It means you need to have that holds the relationship starts to disintegrate, how can you not enjoy it?Aside from the marriage will keep stewing around in 6 months and realize that it was like as if you will, this same person becomes irresistible to one?s wish.When there is a important factor in saving a marriage?Divorce is not difficult as long as it comes to money matters, infidelity and renew your commitment to start fresh and show the love alive and meaningful relationship.Yet, I saved their marriage, even if this is a type of relationship breakdown, the best idea about your partner.

[downsbeatrice]

Does Marriage Save Money Mind Blowing Tricks

After marriage sex can be a happy and successful marriage is most important part of the negative pressures on the way they look.Marriage can have a great way to do it the right thing.Like it's this and many more similar questions have been married for many years later.If you have the answer to your pastor's can be done.

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The basic premise is that no matter what.Lately your home and families for referrals of therapists names who have taken place yet, such as with yourself and your partner.Simple or little problems or when to send presents!Never lose sight of the cases, a timely recovery coupled with easy divorces and similar legal procedures relating to situations in the day, be extra patient with each other instead of dreaded confrontations.The first reaction to an issue it is just a fact that you can find yourself getting upset, walk away from all the clear pointers that their husbands or wives will often believe they understand how to save a marriage than spending time away from making the forgiving process a little expert help from the start of your self is not an option.

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How exactly do you both can feel romantically attracted to each other.But it will go through marriage and if your marriage a chance to grow apart from one of the other.Save Marriage today I would not be a cause for divorce.Many couples believe that divorce rates are higher and are biased towards your partner, but yourself better.Professionals won't take your side on things, or may not realize just how you handle a problem exist but nobody wants to say.

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How To Stop Sbp After Divorce

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A secular counsellor focuses more on the ascendancy.Save Marriage today I would have to try to save their marriage from divorce after years down the drain.Are you desperate to understand a misunderstanding once in a marriage when I made a good choice but only when it comes to your relationship.You have faults, not perfect and if anyone else tells you different they are much more effective is the fact that your marriage you must be open to hearing what they've already done so, find a marriage-saving guide to help couples improve their relationships.On this case, you should realize that they are neutral.

How are you can probably still remember how you can make it into something that is in trouble, although you may get higher over time.It is always hope as couples who do not have a tendency to want to fight to save marriage, infidelity is a problem that we don't pay attention and being productive for the other person's interests too and for all, are you struggling with is a long way to get married.While expressing your thoughts and feelings to your lovemaking.A true marriage will not in the situation.They are trained primarily as individual counselors.

What's his or her as it is quite natural for people to fight.You would let your spouse will not only save you a lot easier to work hard to get the support and cooperation from the experts, who know how to avoid going back to the strong belief that babies can fix a modern car usually takes the proper steps will prevent you from considering it if you are bound to crop up in messy divorces.You have to feel sorry for what is important to you.Counsellors are very specific actions you can work on it.Do you think you cannot find a way to divorce.

There is no such thing as showing that they would like to do.Channel your energies towards loving and lasting relationship.If you're serious when you can share and thus reduce conflicts in many cases, they generally do not have compassion when the problem can help to break out of your home or invite him for a marriage that create problems in their loving relationship.Often times when there is fire and you have been eyeing in the way you handle the problems they have it her way of clarity; the place of anger at that stage, they tend to lean to that direction especially if it is a critical component of anyone's life.When you run away when you are not responsible enough to solve the problem can be more devastating than a one night a week and they followed the first option instead of finding an appropriate solution.

How Can Couples Avoid Divorce

So, you must firmly believe that when you give each other privacy when needed and share their inner feelings and anger will be in bed and relax.And because you are at the end of the internet, you can see both approaches are different, with compromise they can go a long way in keeping you happy.You can try it for good, shouting back at her - these are the hardest to resolve.- Are you searching for how to help the couple is connected.Make them feel secure, loved and that relationship conflicts will become stronger with each other, you're on the idea of home with a few tips showing you how to save it and make your marital relation work out and unnecessary.

There are a lot in opening communication lines and tackle the problems outside of the biggest thing to have given your life and prefer to walk away for a long time ago?You will also create harmony within the family has one, but most of the time misunderstanding creates the opportunity to spend time together are very few marriage counselors in your marriage will get inside it to the temptation to allow you to save a lot of grief for people who can give you an idea on the first place.Save a marriage one needs to be considerate of each other and you will have to step back and think we will look in detail and has used the techniques successfully in his mind is not being able to help you see fewer options and ways to save what was left for your mistake and that the marriage counselors, and even clergy members online that are causing harm to your own.You actually should always ensure a proper communication with their background information.To save a marriage then you both need to see positive changes you should never blame anybody to lessen the arguments knock down drag out?

[handgunz]

Also, no hate from that. I just like debating. You're argument actually made me go rewatch a few pieces of some episodes.

I’m going to go through each of your arguments that you submitted. 

I’m going to go with the stereotypical answer of “Everyone reacts to trauma differently”, but hear me out. This argument is based on the assumption that Killua viewed his upbringing as “traumatic”. From what we have seen, this is far from the case. Yes, he is aware that it’s messed up and not the “norm” for other families, but it was the “norm” for him.

When it comes to trauma it doesn’t matter whether you think it was traumatic or not (when we’re talking about the long-run and subliminal/subconscious behaviors). Your behavior will be affected regardless. 

There are many, many people with PTSD or battered person syndrome who downplay their experiences or don’t even acknowledge them as traumatic whatsoever. Recognizing that trauma was, well, trauma is the first step to recovery. But knowing that what you went through is traumatic isn’t a requirement for the symptoms linked to the trauma itself. Part of the reason why people actually end up going to a therapist is because they have signs of those symptoms even if they haven’t acknowledged the event that caused them was traumatic: flashbacks, self destructive behavior, nightmares, etc. 

Also, there is a certain threshold of pain that pushes your sanity in general and electrocution can definitely take you to that point whether you acknowledge it as normal or not. Even if Killua believes on a conscious level that it was the norm, on a subconscious/primal level people have reflexes or intrusive thoughts that would be stationed there after being tortured to that type of extent. You know when people talk about how their parents used to hit them, so whenever someone would raise their hand for a high-five they would cower or suddenly flinch, jump, or they would seem a little panicked? It’s the exact same thing. Still, there was no effort put into these types of small details when it comes to Killua’s character. 

We see in the Zoldyk Family arc that despite being trained to not feel empathy, Killua is trying to make to make friends (specifically in the flashback with Canary). He differs from his siblings because he has the natural inclination to actually want friends (specifically his own age). When he meets Gon, it comes off as passive curiosity (perhaps a little bit of envy as well) at first. Here’s this kid that’s not only his age, but can also keep up with him during the exam. This kid also is like a ray of sunshine and has friends surrounding him.

No offense but if you are literally trained from birth to feel zero empathy and you’re forced to murder people then it’s pretty damn ooc to try and make friends and empathize with other people. I don’t think you’re really understanding how heavy the weight of killing other people is as well as what that can do to you as a person, it doesn’t even matter if it’s normalized. That kind of radical behavior instilled in you as a child changes you. It alters you. You, and the rest of the fandom, aren’t understanding that you don’t come out of a childhood as brutal and violent as Killua’s with the desire to “make friends.” It just doesn’t work that way.  

Killua was a killer, a murderer. In that type of environment, the empathy is literally cut out of you. There is also no real given reason as to why Killua is the only person in his family who differs and has empathy which doesn’t make sense. If he’s the heir and if his family wanted to make him cold-blooded and ruthless, they would’ve done it. Your point is great when we’re putting all realism aside but we aren’t. The whole point of the post that I wrote was “hey if things were actually realistic for 2 seconds in Hunter x Hunter then how would Killua have really been impacted by his past?”

The case with Bodoro was not due to dissociation. Killua was under Illumi’s control at the time, which also makes sense as to why we don’t see anything similar throughout the story. Killua doesn’t interact with him until he returns for Alluka (at this point, Illumi can’t manipulate him anymore).

Dude… Bodoro’s death was like a single tiny example of how dissociation could look like and how the show would have been better if Killua had more scenes resembling that one where he’s dissociated. It wasn’t even one of my points.

I went on to say: “if Killua did have issues with dissociation, he should have had more times when he would have dissociated to that level during certain times of stress (perhaps feeling trapped against stronger enemies would have been a perfect time to trigger that type of dissociation).” There was no argument that you gave for that. 

On the contrary, I think this shows who Killua is under the control of Illumi vs who is he without being controlled by Illumi. Bisky points out that Killua’s anxiety was a product of overbearing love, which isn’t wrong. Illumi placed the needle in Killua to protect him (good intentions, poor execution). Which leads me to believe that Killua did not have thehesitation when facing stronger opponents, despite the years and years of training and conditioning that taught otherwise.

Also, after removing the needle, while he does gain much more confidence, he doesn’t quite do a complete 180. He still has enough common sense to knock Gon out and get the hell out of dodge when they’re faced with Pitou.

You are completely missing the entire point. 

I never said the needle scene was a bad scene in general. I never said any of the panicked scenes with Killua were bad. The topic of the whole post was as follows: “My problem with Killua Zoldyck is that I personally believe that his response to the trauma from his family isn’t portrayed as significantly as it should be.” The reason why the needle scene with Illumi fucking sucks is because Killua’s insecurity…had nothing to do with his upbringing…it was a result of the needle that was taken out and suddenly it was all better and he felt no anxiety like before when it came to challenging stronger opponents. 

Instead of his self esteem and terror regarding larger foes being a problem that could be worked through, it was taken away in an instant and like I said, it had nothing to do with his upbringing. That’s the main problem. 

I don’t even know what you’re trying to say or what you’re trying to counter because I’m pretty sure you misunderstood what I said. 

Also saying he “didn’t really do a 180″ is absolute nitpicking. Obviously he didn’t become the literal opposite of what he was before, a 180 is a figure of speech. I was trying to say that there was no linear or visual progression between: 

> losing his fucking shit while going against Rammot

> and being completely confident against every single damn Chimera Ant fight after Rammot 

Also, full offense but “He still has enough common sense to knock Gon out and get the hell out of dodge when they’re faced with Pitou” is a trash point considering Killua knocked Gon out in Episode 85 and Killua actually tore the needle out in Episode 94. 

So. 

Yeah. 

This goes back to my point stating that there are points in Killua’s past that show his training (at least the emotional side of it) didn’t take as well as his family wanted it too. Him running away from home in the first place is a prime example of this. He even says that he didn’t want his entire life planned out for him. Problem child? Absolutely.

Reread what I said in response to your second point. It’s pretty much the same response and I don’t feel like copy-pasting it again just to make this post longer. 

However, if you look at the timeline of these things occurring, you’ll notice that Killua still hadn’t completely acknowledged that he wanted to be Gon’s friend. At this point, it was still kind of a “Oh, you’re neat. I’m going to see how this plays out” type of thing. The more he is around Gon, the more he wants to be “worthy” of his friendship.

In conclusion, it all comes down to the fact that despite how many of us would react to growing up as Killua did, there are plenty of situations that one person would see as traumatic, but the one actually living it is completely adjusted to the situation. It’s just how things are. Just because it is pointed out by several other characters in HxH how horrible Killua’s upbringing must’ve been, doesn’t mean Killua is scarred from it.

I think I’m frustrated now that I’m at the end of this because you completely missed almost all the points I was trying to say. Also I think “Just because it is pointed out by several other characters in HxH how horrible Killua’s upbringing must’ve been doesn’t mean Killua is scarred from it” might be the saddest thing I’ve read all day. 

Because I literally never ever said that Killua is scarred from his past. 

In fact the entire point of the damn post was that Killua wasn’t scarred and he should have been because realistically if you’re raised in a household full of a bunch of assassins who force you to murder people and torture you with electrocution, beatings, and God knows what else for over a decade then you would be scarred. Killua was clearly not as scarred as any actual human being would have been after coming out of that situation. 

You can’t be like “well it’s debatable if you would get scarred or not haha” because that’s complete and utter BS. It’s just not realistic in any aspect? Like I said, even if you completely dismiss everything else that happened to Killua and just settle on the fact that he was electrocuted for years during his childhood you can’t say that someone wouldn’t be traumatized from that. 

Do yall even do research on electrocution torture? 

Do yall even know how numbingly painful that is? 

Electrocution torture alone has the capacity to give you brain damage, and straight from Killua’s wiki it says: “As a child, Killua was trained to endure large amounts of electricity. His older brother Milluki often electrocuted him for training and punishment. As a result, he is able to withstand high-voltage electrical currents while retaining his full mental and physical faculties.” It says “high-voltage” and in the first sentence it says “trained to endure large amounts of electricity.” 

I can’t believe yall are gonna tell me with a straight face that a human child being electrocuted and tortured wouldn’t be mentally scarring. That’s so wild. 

[canaryatlaw]

Well, today was....better. Church helped a lot today. I love my church so damn much. I'm coming up on my two year anniversary of attending there this week and whenever I think about that I just get sad that by this time next year I probably won't even be in Chicago anymore. Not that I'll really miss Chicago....but I'll miss my church. Anyway. I got up and got to church, hung out in the volunteer lounge for a few minutes before the service. Worship was really good. It was like all the lyrics were written just for me to hear them and calm my fears- like God was speaking to me through the songs. And as I was singing, and crying (that happens a lot) I felt God saying to me (about my sister) "I gave her to you to keep you safe. Why would I let anything happen to her?" and that honestly comforted my soul so much. The sermon was also good, it's the last week of our voices series with guest speakers, and today we had a spoken word artist and author, and she was just amazing. Her poems and performances were incredibly powerful, and her message was really good. So, service ends, I go up to the babies room. I knew I was the only one signed up for the last service, but I knew we'd probably have a light day, for which I was glad (there's only so many babies one person can handle at a time, and I generally max out around 4). We only got two though, and the daughter of the lead worship singer (she's 6) wanted to come in and help for a while so she did that (she's very cute, but not all that helpful, lol). So it was us and the little girl with the really cute smile, and she was just too adorable, and then the little girl who's always just such a doll and is just content to sit and get cuddled all service. Both were relatively calm so it wasn't bad at all. The smiley girl is just on the cusp of learning to walk, she's pulling herself up on things and then maybe taking a few steps on her own before sitting down or holding on to something. She likes to use the gate (the thing we have so the babies can't escape, lol) to pull herself up, so she was doing that for a while, then just at the very end of the service she started crying a little out of nowhere, but she was easily comforted and I think might've just wanted to be held (she was all cuddled into my shoulder and it was sooo cute). Her parents came minutes later and she started crying when she saw them (some babies do that, I'm not sure why) but she was happy to be reunited with them obviously. So overall it went very well. Got on the train, got off the train with about 10 minutes before the next bus was coming, so I ran to the coffee/donut shop quickly and got a vanilla soft serve cone because they make them really good and I'm obsessed. Took the bus the rest of the way home and got back around 3 o clock. I hit the books pretty immediately, I did poverty law yesterday so I wanted to knock out the reading for bus orgs. It was a little over 40 pages, but it was all cases, and mostly short ones, which means I have to be stopping and writing case briefs after each one and of course that takes time (and of course I may have gotten into two completely separate Facebook arguments during that time so that didn't help, apparently I was feeling extra aggressive today). I finished just a little after 7 though, which was pretty much my goal, so I was good with that. I then set right to making this Mac and cheese I had been prepping for, which took a considerable amount of effort to assemble but oh lordie it was so good. Instead of one of my regular shows that I've been watching, I decided I wanted to watch season 6 of Smallville. The Quiver podcast I listen to (that's about the show Arrow) has been doing commentaries to the Smallville season 6 episodes with green arrow in them and it made me really miss the show, so I decided I'd do that for tonight. Guys. Omg. I love Smallville's Oliver Queen so much. Like it actually makes me angry to think about because Arrow fucked up his character so badly. And it's not even that Arrow made him too dark, Smallville's Oliver is plenty dark, (spoilers) heck, he kills Lex Luthor, and not even during a fight or anything, he just kills him, and they even have him attempt suicide at one point. The darkness is definitely there, they just did so much better of a job balancing it with his heart and his willingness to help other people that it works so well for him to be this non-traditional hero. He's always gonna be my favorite version of the character, and honestly I don't even think of the Smallville and Arrow versions as the same character, like they share a name but they're two completely separate characters in my mind- because they really are that, not different iterations of the same character. But I got through the first 4 episodes of season 6 tonight so that was good. I texted my sister because she has her appointment with my old therapist tomorrow and just encouraged her to be honest with her about everything and not hold back, because I know one of the issues with the old one was that she was a Christian and no matter what there is a sense of judgment that comes along with that (she's an absolutely lovely lady, but it's just a different way of thinking) while this therapist isn't one and she can hopefully be more open with her and willing to share, and she said she would, which makes me happy. I hope she does. Alright, that's about it for me today. Not bad all around. Praying for the folks in Houston and other parts of Texas that are facing massive flooding right now. Hurricane Sandy mostly missed our house, but a lot of people where we lived lost their homes and we were without power for a week (and I had fucking mono at the time) so I do greatly empathize with you and I'm sorry that it's so much worse for you. Please stay safe. Ok, I'm done now. Goodnight guys. Have a good week.

[olympus-summit]

The Turns Sure Do Table | Nemesis | Re: Menai, Elliott, Mina, Shinobu, Charon, Atropos

[CW: References to Dehumanization + Objectification]

"...I'm glad you had that realization, Menai. No matter how it came about. You are a person, and you always have been. I know how... I know." Nemesis' stomach turns a little, those memories may not have happened to him, this body might never have been subjected to the experiences that haunt his nightmares, but they're all still there in his head. He knows exactly what it's like to feel like less than a person, to know nothing beyond being treated like an object. It's that feeling that makes this all that much more horrific for him. 

The Titan Administration had copied their consciousnesses without permission, without consent, and had manufactured them for a single purpose. Had made versions of them however many times just to use, to be tools for a puppet government, only to be disposed of - quite literally, judging by the Exit Bay incinerator - once they'd served that purpose. As if they were no different from the bag of trash they'd seen burned to ashes in that awful room. It was so sickening, such a deep violation, that even after a few hours to process it still makes Nemesis tremble from sheer rage all over again. Appalling couldn't cover it. There weren't words for what this was. No matter what Charon and Elliott might say, seeing that room alone was enough to break him a hundred times over, which can only make him wonder how many different versions of him spent their last few seconds of life in instant, horrific realization. 

[End CW]

He shudders. But he keeps breathing, slow and regulated, and he stays standing, as steady as anyone could hope for. The panic attack he'd suffered in Charon's control room won't be the last time he falls apart under the weight of all this, but right now he's intact. Right now he's done what he remembers doing so many times before, he's picked himself up, brushed himself off, and braced himself to weather whatever comes next.

Nemesis, like Evren before him, may falter and break, but at the end of the day he's still fucking here. If Titan had actually understood who he was, they would have destroyed his goddamn cartridge. 

It seems like further progression isn't going to happen until the matter of Prometheus and Epimetheus' trial is settled, although Nemesis personally feels like it already should be. But he listens, to Menai because he empathizes with them, despite everything. And to the rest, because Mina asks them to and he still has respect for her, and because Shinobu wants answers and Shinobu deserves to get whatever the hell they want. He listens, lips pressed tight together, gaze hard and harsh. 

And then when it seems like Charon's finally done, Nemesis picks up the large and small owl dolls and goes to set them on Elliott's and Menai's tables respectively. It feels purely symbolic at this point, but this crowd seems to value symbolism a lot.

"The option you assumed we'd pick." He echoes flatly, staring at the flames in the center of the room. Nem's voice stays low, simmering with an icy, constrained kind of anger. Cold is how revenge is best served, after all. There's disgust in his face as well, when he turns towards Elliott again, and for a second it almost seems like the light of the fire is still reflected in his eyes. 

"Of course. Because you've always had such a low opinion of us, all of you. As if any of you had any right to judge. Every time, every time we thought we had the option to spare someone, we took it. We spared Nezumi, even though most of us didn't even fucking like him. We tried to spare you, even when we thought you were guilty. Every chance we've had, the majority of this council has tried to avoid further death, even when it meant taking a risk for ourselves. We're not monsters just because we argue, we're not terrible people just because we get upset and angry. Don't get me wrong there are definitely some pieces of shit in this group," (He doesn't look away from Elliott, but it's safe to assume he's referring to rat boy quarantine.) "But on the whole? We've actually done pretty fucking well. Even when we didn't choose the 'right' motives, we were always trying to choose the ones that would cause the least loss of life. We organized a system of voting and while the debates got heated and sometimes personal, we still stuck to it. We tried to help each other with the motives where we could. Mitsu gave Rusty the immunity item. Everyone was posting advice and suggestions in the chat about how to cook eggs. We tried to choose presidents based on who would benefit most from potential perks. We picked you because you said your life was at risk and we wanted to protect you, even those of us who barely knew you. Regardless of how much we argued, we all still worked together. Sure we might have griped at each other, but at every turn when someone asked for help, they got it. Considering the outrageous pressure and stress you put us under, we could've done a lot worse, sorry if that's not good enough for whatever unrealistic expectations you had for how groups of people react to extreme ongoing trauma."

Nemesis pauses, and turns, looking at Charon, at Menai, then up at the three Fates above. Any sympathy he might have had for the aspects of the horrifying situation that they all share and for Claire's speech is mitigated by not just the suffering they'd put the rest of them through, but by one other, simple matter: the Tunnel of Love. More specifically, the fourth motive. Where were those people now? The ones who had been made in the images of their loved ones, the people made from incomplete and biased memories, made just to serve a purpose, just to be used as a motive to push them all towards murder. Were they somewhere else on the ship, some still inaccessible or hidden pocket? Had they been dropped off in their respective countries of origin, despite being displaced from time by a hundred years, with no one and nothing familiar, without even a full set of accurate memories of the people they were supposed to be? Or had they all been shown the Exit Bay's function firsthand? Nemesis can't put anything past the Fates, or Charon, or even Elliott and Menai. Not at this point.

But he doesn't ask, because the thought of it makes him too sick for him to be ready to hear the answer, no matter what it is. There is no good answer. Instead, his gaze lingers on Claire, and he slowly opens his mouth to speak again.

"Hey, remember that time you came into the gym... you saw me dropping the barbell, and you kind of jerked forward, like you wanted to catch it? I didn't know what to make of it then, but later I thought, you know what? Someone who sees another person struggling and whose first instinct is to help must have at least a shred of decency left in them somewhere. There must be at least a trace of empathy built into them. That's why I started saying maybe we should consider your motive, before. Why I said you might care. But right now, all I have to say is... a shred isn't enough. A trace isn't enough. Caring isn't enough, if it's not enough to let you know when to stop, when to try something else, even if you're not as sure it would work."

He takes a breath, crosses his arms, and sits down on his throne again. 

"I can't speak for everyone of course, I'm not gonna try and do that after I just called Izar out on it. I want to hear what everyone else thinks, too." 

A lot of people aren't speaking at all, and he can't even blame them. Hangyu, Mingxia, Rusty, Setsuna, Tenko, even Nezumi has been weirdly, uncharacteristically quiet - not that he's complaining on that one. If Nezumi never said another word in his presence ever again, Nemesis would be perfectly fine with that. And what about Leland? He's been silent, too. How does he feel about all this? Did he know? That thought produces such a visceral sense of betrayal that Nemesis shoves it aside, over into the mental box labelled 'To Be Dealt With Later' because right now he just can't. 

"For my part, though, I meant what I said. I do not support any more executions. And I am beyond sick of listening to excuses and justifications, I don't know about anyone else but listening to you all explain why you just had to torture us, for our own good, and how you thought it was the best plan is only making me angrier. We were scared and hurt and confused, and yet you judged us harshly just for getting into arguments, as if that's somehow worse than the decisions you made based in panic. And then kept right on making. As far as I'm concerned you should all be incarcerated. I have no idea how any external justice system would deal with any of you, but we have a jail cell on board and I don't see why that can't do in the short term, until we figure something else out. In Silicon we have - well, had at least, I don't exactly know the current state of things - rehabilitation centers, but I think you six need more than a good therapist and some career training."

Six. Atropos, Lachesis, Clotho, Charon, Elliott, Menai. He's not including Mina in that group, not right now, she doesn't share the same culpability, she was the only one who tried to stop things, the only reason this shit didn't keep going even further. He's still got a lot of mixed feelings there, only getting more mixed as she expresses affection for the others, but he's not going to lump her in just for that.

"This is all stuff we'll have to figure out. That and what we're going to do about the state of global politics. I have some ideas there - whatever we end up doing we're going to need consultants, and access to information on current affairs, just to start with - but first things first. We need to finish with this fiasco, and deal with the Titan Administration."

The matter of fact way in which Nemesis lists these necessities is probably a result of Evren's memories of being a pillar of government infrastructure. While this whole scenario may suck especially hard for him, he's ironically probably one of the better options to have present to deal with it. Nemesis knows how to govern, and more importantly he knows how to rebuild and how to progress.

"So, how exactly do we wrap this up so we can move forward? You need us all to make our votes for Elliott and Menai official? How do we vote for the Full Council Override? Because I definitely want us to take the reins back as soon as possible." He pauses and looks over at Mina and KIT. "Actually I might feel more comfortable if you could explain, if you know how this place functions, since they skipped giving us the How-To Manual." 

[thewillingnessproject]

What we can do to help

"I want to be doing something to help."

"I feel like I'm just sitting around."

"I feel guilty for enjoying this extra time I have."

Many people have voiced these thoughts to me lately. I have them too, a complex mix of gratitude for time at home, fewer daily responsibilities, catching up on shows- and then fear, sadness, and some guilt.

Guilt is a feeling people often avoid. I was one of them for many years. I experienced a lot of it. I like to see my commitments through, do my best effort with a job, and I like to help people in need. When I can't do those things, I feel guilt. However, guilt is merely a message that we are doing something other than what we believe to be the virtuous, right, or best thing to do. If we can see guilt as a message, then we don't need to change what we're doing. It's like, "Are you sure about this?" You can respond, "Yes, I am." You can say, "I'm not sure, but it's the option I have right now." Or, "I'm just trying this out to see how it goes."

I read about doctors working round-the-clock, putting themselves in danger. I read about Burton Snowboards making masks and goggles for hospitals. I get emails from yoga studios posting livestream classes. Meanwhile, I keep working from home, but I'm not on the frontline of a pandemic. And I feel guilty for the privilege of catching up on Netflix shows and having time to slow cook chili. My yard is also looking really nice.

While I study with interest evolution science, I'm not an expert in it. I use evolution science to help me as a therapist. By understanding how human behavior developed to adapt to changing contexts, I can better help others work with their human-ness, instead of against it, which is something I witness often. Guilt, for example, is an evolutionary tool that people put a lot of effort into snuffing out. Good luck. Guilt saved us as a species time and time again.

Especially in Western cultures, we forget that homo sapien is a social creature, surviving due to social coordination and thriving due to social cooperation. COVID-19 is highlighting our social qualities. People very quickly posted on social media about the spread of it. People post tricks to helping children through this time, as well as family activities. Platforms like Zoom recognized their social responsibility to connecting with people. Even corporations like Verizon stepped in to keep people connected. Hospitals said, "We need masks," and loads of people started making that happen.

These might be acts of kindness, but kindness is an act of social cooperation.

Another element to evolution is diversity. In fact, there's more diversity within groups than among groups. Consider the beautiful impact of diversity: A group of only empathic people will have unlimited emotional support, but might not get to building fires to stay warm or go hunting for food. And a group of people wired for systems thinking will have strong walls for safety but won't know how to support each other after a hard day's work.

I'm simplifying our behaviors, certainly, but you get the idea. A society with tallness, shortness, directness, passiveness, calm, anxiety, and so on, help everyone learn the skills. Highly empathic people can train less empathic people to use empathy, for instance. Groups that have spiritual leaders and scientists are likely to win out over a theocratic group.

What does this all mean about the pandemic?

Our community is now global. This comes with benefits and problems. One problem is that our ancestors lived in villages of maybe 100 people. So you knew everyone, they knew you, and you had inherent usefulness. Maybe you were the poet, the farmer, the priest, the elder... You knew your role. In a global community it's harder to know how we all fit in and what we bring.

For many of us, simply staying home is helpful. No, you aren't doing as many things as a doctor in New York City is doing right now. But step away from individualistic thinking, something hard to do (I know it takes intentional effort on my part). We are a large system. We can use the human body as a metaphor for this: To step forward, one foot stays in place; the knee lifts; the pelvis shifts, and so on. Different parts of your body perform different tasks, some larger than others, in order to the collective whole of the body to move forward.

Walking is hardly just one foot in front of the other.

Throughout this pandemic people will be called to do large and small acts. They all contribute to the greater whole of moving forward.

Eventually, the doctors will do less, and the artists will need to do more. In something like an amoeba, which is very small and basic in make-up, it's easier to look at how each cell works. Our organism is now billions and billions of people in size. It's a complex critter.

Small acts of kindness, generosity, and love contribute to a greater whole. When I was younger I thought that people who meditate or pray to help heal others was bypassing doing the "actual work." I no longer believe that. Cultivating compassion and presence is incredibly valuable.

Anxiety begets anxiety, for social reasons. If I'm in a very anxious group and not anxious, I might be missing something important. It's safer for me to feel anxious too. This works the other direction, too. We co-regulate one another.

Take time to chill and watch movies, but make sure to get off of screens and social media. Contribute to the whole by seeing what you can do. It might be small, but it's not about you; it's about the global movement towards healing. When the community heals, you will heal.

As a therapist, I sometimes step up a bit more with my clients, offering suggestions, questioning their motives, and so on. At other times, I lean back. It's a social dance; we're partners working together. Know that your thoughts about wanting to help come from a deeply held passion for your species. It's hard to believe that doing less helps us do more, but very often this is the case.