#you know me so well Master Chef Claire

[kafkaoftherubble]

Okay. Bro. /inhales deeply

I ordered a normal meal and you gave me a full-course meal?!

YOU ARE SPOILING ME, CLAIRE!!!

I can't believe you even realized what incident I was referring to despite my limited context. Was that a seismic "controversy" at the time?! Hmm... I kinda think it's also because you're just that knowledgeable about this stuff!

I mean, you actually have citations and references. This is a genuinely compact essay with good points and reporting. Bro, this is high-quality high-effort stuff, and I learn so much about this side of the BL culture and the window it provides into Thai entertainment culture. I didn't know it's that easy for entertainers to sue people, for example!

I'm quite relieved to hear that delusional fans aren't the majority or the loudest in the response, unlike those heydays of K-pop fandom when my sister and best friend were really into it. If a large group of clear-eyed fans, possessing Monk Dol's wisdom, is always there to push back against these delusional ones, then one can still hope that this fervor doesn't worsen into extremism or encourage profit-hungry companies into adopting predatory marketing behaviors/fan events.

Oh yea! I asked about the companies because Korean entertainment juggernauts are notoriously opportunistic in milking the worth out of their celebrities. I learned about them from my sister and best friend's telling too (I also asked questions like these back then ahhahahahaha). They definitely deliberately cash in on the fans' delusions and actively work to cultivate such delusions.

I wanted to know if such extremities are already found in blossoming entertainment industries such as Thailand. I also wonder if it's the inevitable endpoint for every model powered by the beast of capitalism. I think this is one of the developments I'm most curious about!!!

"Brand pairing" is a really new term to me! I didn't know this is how you called such a practice!

I still find the accusation of deception the most preposterous, and it's probably the worst representation of parasocial interaction. Actors are, by their trade, selling you entertaining deceptions. They are acting. It's not real. That's their job, and we audience engage with them per this contract that everything on screen is made up. When a character dies in the show, the actor isn't actually dead! Pup isn't really a monk! James isn't really an Elon Musk type! Stuff like that.

So to accuse actors and entertainers, broadly, for duplicity is as ridiculous as accusing a boxer of being good at boxing. Or accusing potatoes of being carbohydrates.

---

On your man JJ Krissanapoom!

Honestly, my brain auto-saw the names as "JJK-rissnapoom" at first. Because I still have that Jujutsu Kaisen brain cells in there, BWAHAHAHHAHA!

I will be really surprised if an actor who's been seeing someone for seven years is still getting flack for "not being authentic" or "posing pictures with your girlfriend instead of your pair." The dude has his girlfriend before he has this pair, man.

And the premise actually sounds interesting enough even for someone who's not into romance. I wonder how gritty it might be! If it's also a good crime thriller, I think I'd love to see it too!

Okay, so the original post you wrote has been a while and I saw it by ghost-reading (this is when I read someone's blog without signing into Tumblr. I'm only signed in on a specific browser on my laptop to prevent mindless scrolling).

If I recall correctly, you mentioned being ready to protect a Thai actor because he's some BL actor but is married to a wife (or has a girlfriend). That reminded me of an incident my best friend told me while we were chatting.

She said there was this time when two pairs of BL actors (she coded them as Pair A + B, and Pai C +D since I don't know them and their names weren't the point) got massively flacked by fans because B kissed C on camera when the four friends were hanging out. Fans apparently saw it as a betrayal of the "BL pairing," even though all four of them were just vlogging their activities not as characters they play.

I wanna know more about this phenomenon out of curiosity!

Is it as common as my best friend put it? Or is she just unlucky enough to be caught in such a storm?

Why do fans think this way, when these are just actors and not the real characters? Is it similar to the issue of fans of Kpop, Jpop, or even Cpop artists who cannot accept their idols marrying or dating anyone?

What do the companies hiring or signing these actors do to mitigate such an issue/protect their actors?

Or... Do the companies cash in on this sort of fanatic fervor, such that they encourage fans to believe this illusion, or mandate their actors to uphold such an illusion even when they are being themselves outside of acting?

How does an incident like this usually get resolved?

What are the major stances of Thai BL fans on this issue? Not all of them support this sort of fervor, right?

Lastly: what do you think, personally, is central to this sort of incident?

Sorry if it sounds like some college assignment, but I really wanna know what you think! I'm so curious as an outsider to all of this...

Thanks!!!

Hiiiii Lyn \(￣︶￣*\))

You have no idea how happy I am to receive this ask because I've been wanting to talk about that couple incident that you're referring to since forever but I've never gotten the chance to properly collect my thoughts about it. Thank you for allowing this opportunity to ramble about this and for your very introspective questions.

So firstly to give some context to it, I think it's a bit more important to cover some background information of the two pairings that you're talking about.

OffGun and TayNew are some of the oldest pairings in GMMTV. They are known to all be good friends with each other (if not to say they're each other best friends). They've all done non-BL works with different actors but in terms of promotions, OffGun and TayNew have always been regarded to be the 'pillars' of GMMTV (their company) branded pairings.

Even though the four people are close with each other, Tay is particularly close with Gun (and this is public fact known by everyone who follows them), often teasingly calls each other pet/master and have some hangouts/vacations with just them two.

In the case of TayGun, I think their playful kiss being caught unexpectedly on livestream caused so much reactions was because it's a private moment between them. BL fans are too used with using private moments (re:clips of casual skinship between actors during work events and non-work livestream) to prove the existence of their closeness or togetherness -> so when New accidentally turned his camera to show Gun playfully kissing Tay during livestream, I think many (outraged) fans falsely equated that TayGun kissing in private like that means they're romantically involved to a certain degree.

Even though Tay has come out to explain that it isn't the case and that Gun was just playfully teasing him, there were still so much flacks thrown his way. Even with clarifications from both sides, you can basically see from the comments section of these Tiktoks (1, 2, 3, 4) that there is a considerable portion of OffGun and TayNew upset and disappointed (even though there is no reason to). I'll just translate some of the Vietnamese ones because those are the comments that show up first for me.

For those who follow [OffGun], you'll already know that Gun has been avoiding skinship from Off since 2022, fans used to think that he was shy but now we get it 🥲

10 years is just a number =)))))) (t/n: OP is insinuating that OffGun has been fooling their fans for 10 years)

What kind of 'friends' kiss each other on the lips?!

Now I can't watch OffGun series anymore 😇 Can they please give us a TayGun series 😌

Have I been blind all this time because how can everything has been so clear yet I still don't know it 🥲🥲🥲

Is it as common as my best friend put it? Or is she just unlucky enough to be caught in such a storm?

I think it's both common and not. So 'common' is in the sense that whenever one half of a branded pairing or 'koojin' is close and intimate with another person or displaying any possibilities of them being involved with said person in real life, it always trigger these reactions from shipper fans to immediately deny that possibilities or to attack the actors in the branded pairing as if they have 'deceived' their fans.

This has infinitely lessened in recent years with actors actively taking a stance against their fans harrassing their colleagues over ships but in general we still see it now and then with popular/rising/active ships or inactive ships but with astronomically huge fandoms (see: reactions of brightwin fans to bright's dating news).

I'm also saying it's uncommon for 'two halfs of two different popular BL pairings to get rumored to be together' but in 2024, it has already happened twice so who knows what's real really 😅 Aside from the case of TayNew/OffGun, there's also the case of actors Mew and Tul (who were both parts of ships with HUGE fandoms MaxTul and MewGulf) confirming their in real life relationship but their news was more well received internationally as neither of their old ships have been active in having series together for a while (i still see flacks for both of them here and there but that's because i'm vietnamese and vietnamese negative reactions are always the ones i see first to any dating news of one half of a BL pairing).

Why do fans think this way, when these are just actors and not the real characters? Is it similar to the issue of fans of Kpop, Jpop, or even Cpop artists who cannot accept their idols marrying or dating anyone?

I think there are several reasons like actors and companies contributing to the delusions of shipper fans and fans not being able to separate real life actors from the characters they play on screen, which have been extensively discussed in these Reddit threads (1, 2) so I won't delve into them. I'll just focus on a common reason i've seen from vietnamese fans being the combination of emotional and financial investment in these ships.

Similar to Kpop, Jpop or even Cpop idols as you've mentioned, there's a large degree of parasocial relationship involved between a CP/idol and their fans. Rather than the Kpop idol feeding fans the delusion of them being an attractive yet attainable, relatable, single person, these 'koojins' offer CP fans the image of a beautiful friendship/'will they/won't they'/'ambiguous more than friends, less than lovers' relationship -> so once there is a strong emotional attachment to the actors who are part of a pairing, fans will inevitably have strong feelings about their romantic life aka whether the CP is really together or not.

Even though branded pairings or 'love teams' have been an age old phenomenon since the dawn of television (not just in Southeast Asia but in Hollywood as well), I think this phenomenon has flourished particularly in Southeast Asia with many successful stories of actors having on-screen to off-screen real life romances (see: KathNiel in the Philippines, NadechYaya in Thailand...)

What do the companies hiring or signing these actors do to mitigate such an issue/protect their actors? and How does an incident like this usually get resolved?

I think one of the most interesting things about Thailand entertainment industry is that it's so easy for celebrities to sue people for online defamation. So rather than making any statements to 'save' their branded pairings or to resolve any confusion, the company doesn't do anything (which I understand because the artists are already clarifying themselves to the nosy press about any 'possible scandals that happened'). In the case that online commenters are getting too toxic, the artists can just screenshot the toxic tweets/posts, send them to the company's legal department and those defamation cases get resolved by the police.

But even then, that hasn't really stopped fandoms that are too large in size, too delusional in mind to do the crazy things they do even after a branded pairing has stopped working together, such as showing up at the fanmeeting of one actor, wearing masks of the other actor in that inactive ship. In this case, the company can't do anything since... well those people paid to attend the fanmeeting and get a photo with their idol. The most a company could do is probably to 'officially announce the ending of the ship' but... their comments section are still full of obsessed fans til this day so i doubt that announcement made any difference to the fully obsessed and delusional cp fans.

Or... Do the companies cash in on this sort of fanatic fervor, such that they encourage fans to believe this illusion, or mandate their actors to uphold such an illusion even when they are being themselves outside of acting?

Companies have always generated as much revenue from brand endorsement, brand promotions fanmeetings, concerts, selling merchs of these pairisings as they do from producing and airing these series if not more, so I've also felt a sense of these companies capitalizing upon their branded pairings and the volatileness of delusional fans.

If you're interested here and here are two interviews with P'Tha, the CEO of GMMTV company which TayNew and OffGun are under, I think his sharings in these interviews are very insightful into how the companies view these branded pairings (the main source of income for these companies basically).

I wouldn't say that the companies mandate or force their actors to act a certain to create an illusion of an ambiguous/are they aren't they ship for any branded pairings, but i DO think that being in an environment where two people (who are part of a branded pairing) are constantly being shipped or teased by co-workers and sometimes even the ceo himself... that does make shipper fans more delusional than they normally would. it's like as if you were in a class and everyone around you start shipping two people or pushing two people to be together, you'd be questioning what the others know about those two that you don't... it's 'sus' as the cp fans will say 😂

What are the major stances of Thai BL fans on this issue? Not all of them support this sort of fervor, right?

I think there's all sorts of opinions that pops up whenever there's news of someone dating surfaces, there are no consensus on it because the feelings of the fans rely largely on how emotionally invested they are in the actors/real people. There are fans who will take the news harder (feeling tricked, deceived, all that jazz) and there are also fans who will feel like 'oh that's normal' or they would rejoice in the happiness of their favorite actor having an in real life parner. Also it's probably important to note that the stance of Thai BL fans do not necessarily align with the stance of general Thai audience, for example when Thai actor Bright revealed his girlfriend Nene, basically the entire Thai netizen is supportive of him whereas his previous branded pairing fans are divided between supporting him and feeling 'betrayed' by this reveal.

Lastly: what do you think, personally, is central to this sort of incident?

Personally, I think it's fans' expectations. Similar to what Monk Dol told Dear about not holding on to things too tightly, I think fans often hold on to the romantic stories portrayed on screen more strongly than they do with non-romantic stories. Therefore, the reality of an actor having a real life partner often dispels this illusion of a 'screen-to-life' romance stories that fans may have concocted in their mind for any pairings not limited to whether they are in queer love or straight love stories.

I feel like it's just much easier for fans of straight pairings to move on since they don't get paired repeatedly as leads together every 1-2 years and they often don't have couples' work (like promoting brands togethers...) long after the ending of their series together, contrasting with branded pairings in BL/GL series who still get brands work together after the ending of their series -> allowing their "ship" fanbase to grow and the fans to have even larger expectations of the actors to have future works together.

Again it might be a lot of me to ask that these dedicated fans not to have expectations (which may eventually lead to their own suffering) because logically these fans do pour in not just emotional investment but also like HUGE financial investment so having expectations are really inevitable ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ perhaps they should watch สาธุ and learn to let go of having any expectations for a ship or an idol which will benefit all parties involved 😅

Anyhow before I end this, please let me ramble and promote my beloved actor, JJ Krissanapoom whom you've mentioned first in your ask.

JJ Krissanapoom is a prolific Thai actor whose works I've followed really early on in my journey of Thai media consumation. He's starred in works of different genres and he's had queer love-adjacent projects before like Diary of Tootsies (with Paopetch aka Monk Ekkachai in สาธุ) and Great Men Academy (with James Teeradon aka Win in สาธุ).

But JJ has been in a highly publicized long term relationship with his girlfriend Thanaerng for seven years now, so I have no fears/worries about the reception of Thai fans to his upcoming queer love work Spare Me Your Mercy.

That being said, I'm still very worried about any negative reactions from delusional shippers because even if the actors have nothing to insinuate that they're together or even if they're both actors with in real life partners, the delusional fans always have the following comment templates to bash the drama/actors

I can't see the chemistry between the actors, probably because they both have girlfriends.

Why is the actor posting pictures with his girlfriend instead of promoting his own series?!!?

Why does the actor have an event with his girlfriend rather than an event with his co-star??!?!?!?

things like these... i'm already expecting.... and praying they won't happen... also if they do... i wouldn't be very surprised... and i'm actually very parasocially attached to jj and thanaerng's irl relationship so i feel like i'm even extra protective of their relationship than i already do.

and i'm definitely going off track here... but yes i'm very much looking forward to having jj krissanapoom on my screen again, in this BL series about a cop solving a series of murders of dying patients, to which his doctor boyfriend is the no.1 suspect of.

and here's a cute recent clip of all three people jaylerr, gun and tay to end my lengthy incoherent ramble

[writers-hes]

tell me you need me (1 of 2) | c. berzatto x reader

It was good when you started but Carmen Berzatto had the ability to make anyone fall in love with him no matter how much you tried not to. (friends with benefits!carmen, smut, mndi!!!, unprotected p in v, smut! smut!, angst!! fluff, maybe some bad words, blood, unedited) MASTER LISTS

TAGLIST

I need you tonight. Want to go?

You sighed at the message that Carmy sent you. “Want to go” was a code for “I want to have sex.” and it’s been working pretty well for these past few months. You both needed some sort of release for the pent-up stress that you both have. Carmy, with the Bear and you, with art. You were a full-time artist; creating art inspired by food using oil paint and other forms of media. You’ve been stressed with your upcoming gallery opening next month. Would they love it? It’s quite hard to meet the expectations after winning the Herb Alpert Award in the Arts last year. It was close to Carmy’s James Beard Foundation award, if not the same. In a way, at the end of the day, you were two people excelling in your jobs except for everything else. You sucked at relationships, friendships, connection…what wasn’t artistic; you sucked at. Carmy was the same. Without thinking, you typed your response, a four letter word. Maybe you’ll see him tonight.

-

Carmy enters your home like he lived in it. He had his own set of keys, it was easier that way. He’s been so stressed with the Bear and the only thing that he needs is to blow off some of that steam before he can be functional again. There was supposed to be a celebrity who was wishing for a whole fucking kitchen tour tomorrow and he had to stay behind to make sure that everything was perfect. 

“Hey,” he greets you when he sees you perched on your couch. He liked your apartment much better; at least you had multiple rooms and your own space. It’s not like his; there was work everywhere while yours felt homey. Except your studio down the hall—damn, how much do artists earn today?

“Hey,” you replied. “Did you have dinner yet? I can heat up some of the Chinese food I ordered earlier.”

“No, no. It’s alright,” he says, removing his shoes in the doorway. You were always so tidy and meticulous. No outside clothes on the bed; he had to learn that the hard way. “Actually, um, can-can I take a shower first? I want to wash the day away and I-I smell like the kitchen.”

“And you took the L,”

“Ubered here, actually.”

“Surge rates?”

“I was in a rush.”

“Oh,” you gulped. “Well, you still have your clothes in my wardrobe and your toiletries in my bathroom.”

“Which one?” he asked. “Which-which bathroom?”

“The one in my bedroom,” you replied. “You know where the fresh towels are. So…”

“Uh, yeah-yeah,” he says. “Thanks.” You only smiled at him. Conversation before your engagements are usually awkward because you both knew what the two of you were there for. It’s more comfortable afterwards; when he talks about the Bear or asks you about your art.

You and Carmy met from a friend of a friend. You were looking for chefs that could serve you inspiration for your paintings when she mentioned Carmen Berzatto. You reached out to him and he replied three months later, telling you that he can show you some of the recipes that he’s been working on. He’s an artist himself—Sistine Chapel art kind of stuff. He explained the components of his dish over dinner in your hotel apartment in New York. You mentioned that you were from Chicago and he mentioned that he’s from Chicago too…you drank too much wine and the rest was history. 

You both stopped communicating when he met Claire but he reached out again, asking if you wanted to meet. He told you all about her and how he fucked up. You drank too much wine again. History has the habit of repeating itself.

You swore to never fall in love with Carmen Berzatto and you didn’t…not until recently. He used to leave immediately once you’re both done. Lately, he’s been staying over. He talks to you about everything. He stays over and wakes you up with coffee and some Michelin Star quality pancakes or French toast. He watches you take your first bite before he takes his, likes to watch your reaction and likes hearing your praise.

You were too lost in your reviere to notice Carmen walking to you, all fresh and clean. He lays a hand on your shoulder and kisses your neck.

“What are you thinking about?” he asks, voice deep and sultry. 

“You,” you replied, reaching up to massage his curls. 

“Good,” he says, removing himself from you and sitting on the opposite side of the couch. “Needed you today…but I want to talk first before…before…”

“That’s fine with me,” you replied, inching closer to him. “What’s wrong?” He puts his hand on your knee, squeezing it lightly. Since when was he so comfortable around you?

“I…I just… Mikey,” The name lingers heavy in the air. Anytime Carmen feels the crushing weight of the pressure, he says Mikey. Whenever he feels inadequate, not enough, never enough—he says Mikey.

“He’ll be proud of you, Carm,” you said, smiling at him. “Like everyone else is.”

“I’m sorry for not inviting you to the opening…Claire was-was there and…”

“I understand,” You put your hand over his to reassure him that everything’s okay. “I understand.”

“You wouldn’t have seen me,” he chuckled. “I was locked inside the walk-in the whole time and well, everything was great. What if I’m not needed?”

Is it too late for me to love you? 

“Carm…” you trailed off, trying to find the words. “Of course, you’re needed. The Bear wouldn’t be The Bear without you, you know? Your family must be so proud of you because I know that-that I am. I’m so proud of you and I-I need you so much,” you told him. “I need you, Carmen. More than you could ever know.”

Is it too late for me to love you? 

Maybe it was the words that you said, maybe it was the long forgotten show on the T.V., maybe it was because the T.V. screen illuminated your face in a way that was so, so beautiful. Maybe it was just him.

“Let’s go to bed,” he rasps, taking your hand and dragging you to the bedroom. Once he closes the door behind him, Carmy presses you against it, taking your chin and kissing you. It was slow and needy; this kiss was needy. You trail your hand underneath the white shirt that hugged his figure. You caress his sides up and down; softly; slowly and Carmen releases a whimper into your mouth. I need you. I need you. I need you. 

“Baby,” he whispers, pulling away from you to remove his shirt. “Baby, baby, baby.”

“I need you, Carmen,” you muster the courage to kiss his neck now, sucking and nipping right under his collarbone. He lets you do it, he lets you mark him like you own him. He tugs on the roots of your hair lightly. You lick the purple bruise, nipping it again just so it could last one more week. Carmen was sighing above you, letting you take him like he wanted to be taken. His hands itch, slipping right under the waistband of your panties to cup your heated cunt. “Carmy,”

“I know, baby. Let’s get you to bed, hm?” he asks, pushing you slightly. “Lay down for me. I missed you so much. Let me show you,”

You obey his commands, opening your legs widely like he likes. He crawls until his face is right in front and removes your underwear, tossing it to the side. He’ll take care of that later.

“You’re so wet,” he groans, when he lets his index finger trail along your slit. You buckle in need; silently begging him to do more. “So, fucking wet,” he repeats, parting your folds until he sees your glistening cunt. 

“Carm…” you whine. He spits on your clit and you whimper. 

“Let me taste you, hm?” you heard him say, his wandering fingers rubbing all sorts of shapes on your folds. You could only nod and he takes that, licking a bold stripe. You press your cunt against his tongue and he just takes it. He licks a few more stripes before sucking your clit softly. 

“Carmy,” you moan. Your hands trail down underneath your shirt, thumbs softly flicking your sensitive nipples. Carmy could just come at the sight of you playing with them but he holds back, sucking your clit harsher before plunging his thick middle finger inside you. “Oh, fuck,” 

He pumps the finger slowly…in, out, in, out while he licks your sensitive bud. 

“Fuck, Carmy,” you whimper. “Fuck me,”

“Later,” was his nonchalant reply; enjoying the sweet nectar that dripped from your sloppy pussy. It was better than any dessert he’s ever had before. If it was um to him, he’d have his head buried in between your legs, eating you out forever. You buckle again, pinching your nipples hard and tugging them. 

“Carm…”

“I know, I know,” he says, sucking your clit harshly for one last time before crawling on top of you. “Taste,” he orders. You obliged, opening your mouth and putting on a show with the way you licked your juices off of his finger. “Fuck,” he groans. He palms himself through his boxers while you sucked on his finger. You released it with one last suck before putting your hand on top of Carmy’s to feel his hardening cock underneath. You push his hand away while you squeeze his member lightly. Just enough for him to rut his hips against your hand. Just enough for him to toss his boxers to the side.

You tried to sit up to see him pump a few strokes, moaning your name while he did. He gets off the bed, looking at the way your body moved while you breathed. 

“Beautiful,” he whispers to himself before dragging your body to the end of the bed. He pries your legs open and puts one of them over his shoulder. He liked it like this, it fills you up in ways you cannot describe. “Need you to play with your tits while I fuck you, hm?”

He taps his cock against your pussy.

“Can you hear how wet you are?” he asked, sliding his cock in between your folds. You could feel the protruding vein run along your nub and you moan, massaging your breasts to show him your obedience. “Fuck,”

“Carmy…” you whimpered. “Please.”

He hums, grabbing his member and teasing your wet entrance with his pink tip. “You’re so…”

With no warning, Carmy plunges deep into you and you both groan. You were waiting for this. He’s been wanting this the whole day. He stays there for a few seconds before he thrusts in and out of you slowly. 

“Fuck,” 

The slopping noises inside your room reverberated in your walls and for a few moments, the sounds of your groans and skin slapping against skin heightens your arousal. Carmy thumbs your clit and he feels your walls clench around him.

“Don’t do that, petal,” he rasps, sweat dripping on his forehead. “I’ll cum fast if you do.”

“Sorry,” you choked out. He only grunts as he adjusts his pace. He was faster now and you could hear he ragged breathing. “Carmy, I need you.”

“Y-you need me,” he repeats to himself. “You need me.”

“I do,” you told him, moaning when he plunges his cock deep inside you. “Need you, need you,” 

“Oh, fuck,” he groans. “Tell me that you need me. Tell me,”

“I need you, Carmy,” you whine. “I need you to cum inside me,” 

Carmy’s eyes widened. You’ve never let him do that before. He always had to pull out or use a condom. 

“Want me to fill you up?” he asks, his voice strained. “I’ll fill you —oh, fuck,” 

“Yes, please,” you sobbed, breath hitching at the feeling of his cock twitch inside of you. “Fuck, Carmy.”

Sex has never felt this good. 

You could feel the breaking point come nearer and he does too. His movements were sloppier, his breathing even more ragged that it was. Your walls were clenching around him but that seemed to arouse him even more. 

“Fuck, fuck,” he grunted. “I’ll fill you up, hm?” 

“Yes, please, Carmy,” you whine. He could only nod, doing his best to keep his orgasm at bay. He wanted to prolong this feeling; this emotion but he couldn’t. “Fuck, Carmy, I’m cumming, I’m cumming. Carm—oh!”

He follows soon after, moaning your name as he shoots ropes of cum inside your pussy. He could feel your walls clench around him and he thrusts in slowly, to ride both of your orgasms away. 

“You-you liked that?” he asked. He doesn’t pull out. Instead he takes your other leg and hangs in on his shoulder. “We have to make sure that not a drop goes to waste.”

You nodded and felt his hands caress your legs slowly. He slowly lays your legs back down on the bed and crawls on top of you, kissing your torso, neck, and your chest while he did. 

“Stay there,” he ordered and you nodded in assent. You just let him cum inside you. He walks over to the carafe on your bedside, filling the glass with water and then, taking a hand towel from your cabinet. He pours a little bit of the liquid onto the towel. You sit up when he wordlessly gives you the glass of water. He watches you finish it and kisses your head when you gave him the glass back. He sets it on the floor carefully before opening your legs so he could clean you up.

“No,” you shook your head and he stops, alert because you told him no. “I’m…I’m still sensitive,”

“Okay, petal,” he nods, taking the glass and the towel away. He picks up the tossed articles of clothing puts it in the laundry basket. He was quiet when he takes a fresh set of pyjamas and underwear from your wardrobe. “Raise your arms,” he says and you do. He puts a new shirt on you. “Lay down.” You followed him. He puts a new pair of panties on you. “Thank you,”

You were so tired now but you were still so aware of Carmy’s actions. He stands up from the bed to wear new clothes and sits down on the bed. He carefully places your head on his lap and plays with your hair.

“Thank you,” he says, bowing down to kiss your forehead. “Why don’t you sleep for me, hm?”

“Will you be here when I wake up?”

“Waffles or pancakes?”

“Waffles with whipped cream.”

-

Why won’t you let me love you?

There were times when you’d fight with Carmen. A disagreement over something so, so, so small. This time, it was big. It was the opening of your gallery and he promised to be there. It was a big night—multiple art collectors and mongers from all over America came to see your latest pieces. They were all inspired by the food you grew up eating in Chicago; a collection of how culture, identities, and personalities affect eating. Your paintings were in vibrant colors—cup ramen with cheese, cannoli, food that you grew up eating whenever your mom was away. There were small details on the significance of the new collection to your life and he wasn’t there. You were on the stage, telling everyone how grateful you were to the audience but you were preoccupied, looking for a familiar mop of curls in the crowd. He didn’t come. He didn’t go. 

You smiled at them half-heartedly before leaving the stage, ready to be whisked away by some art dealer. You were whisked away by multiple guests, asking you for more details on the painting. You all told them everything they needed to know, what they should do if they’d like to make a purchase…

It would have been alright if he texted you…but he promised he’d be there. He promised he’d take you home. He promised.

-

Carmy was sitting alone in his apartment. He left The Bear earlier than usual and went straight home. He did it all, shower, put a nice suit, and fix his hair. He did it all, he even ran to the nearest florist to buy you flowers but he didn’t go. 

Isn’t this what lovers do? 

He wasn’t your lover. He couldn’t let himself be distracted again. He had to focus; he couldn’t fail the people that relied on him. He looked at the bag of groceries he got from the store; he was supposed to cook you something special tonight. Have you eaten yet? Fuck the suit that he paid for dry cleaning; fuck the flowers; fuck him. It must have hurt you—he knows that. Tonight was a big night and you were so excited to show him a painting that you’ve been working on. 

“I won’t sell it,” you told him. “I’ll have it shipped to you first thing in the morning.”

Would you still send it to him?

-

By the end of the night, you were exhausted. Happy, but exhausted. It was normal; talking to everyone and being scintillating the whole night was work but it was worth it. Your paintings all had their new owners, except for the painting that you promised to Carmy. Would he still want it? You were alone in the studio, wrapping the 4 by 3 foot canvas with the best quality glassine. You were giving this to him tomorrow. If he doesn't want to have it, you’ll probably just donate it somewhere else. 

You laid awake in your bed all night long, waiting for his text. It was funny, just last week he was begging you to tell him that you needed him but when you needed him most, he wasn’t there. 

You arrive at The Bear just before it opens, the big canvas tucked under your arm. He was sure to be there and had always told you to use the back door if you weren’t dining. You always obliged, of course, opening the backdoor to reveal everyone. You’ve met Sydney and Richie before but you haven’t met the others yet. You were an alien in an unknown world; Carmy’s employees looking at you, as if wondering who this girl was. 

“Hey,” Sydney greeted, looking at the glassine covered thing that you were carrying. “Didn’t know you were coming in today. Congratulations on your exhbit,”

“Yeah, Congrats. What’s that, sweetheart?” Richie asked. 

“Oh,” you just nodded. Carmy couldn’t even look at you. “I just came here to give this to…uh, Carmy,” you cleared your throat. “Carm…?”

“Uh, yeah-yeah,” he stuttered. “Can we go to the office?” 

“Sure.”

You followed him into the office while Richie tells everyone to go back to what they were doing. Your heart was hammering inside your chest, afraid that this was going to be another one of those petty fights that you’ve had with him. 

You were wrong. So, so wrong. 

“You didn’t come last night,” you told him, shielding yourself from him with the painting. “I…I waited.”

“Sorry,” was his laconic reply. You nodded, chuckling. 

“That’s all?” you asked. “Just…sorry? No explanation, no nothing?” you asked. “I was looking for you the whole night, Carm. You promised you were coming,”

“I don’t know what-what you want me to say,” he says, looking everywhere but at you. “I-I-I’m sorry, okay? I had other plans.”

“You promised months ago that you were coming,” you repeated. “I called Sydney last night because you weren’t answering and she told me that you left early.”

“You’re spying on me now?” he asks, suddenly defensive. “I had things to do that night. I can’t-can’t just put everything on hold for-for you.” He spits his words like venom, voice getting louder with every word.

You frowned, not recognizing who the boy was in front of you. It’s not like you asked him to put his life on hold. Your heart was beating so fast in anger, ears ringing. 

“I see. So you just need me around and you-you just I don’t know, call me because you need to get your dick wet?” you asked, matching his volume. “You just need me around when no one else is there to fuck you? Is that it?” you asked. “What the fuck?” 

Carmy blinks, tries to think of the words he’s about to say but he couldn’t stop himself. He could never seem to stop himself. 

“You’re the only one desperate enough to do so,” he shrugs. It breaks your heart in pieces, really. The nights Carmen spent nuzzling his head in your shoulder before you slept probably meant nothing to him. Your face falls, contorting in hurt at what he just said. Fuck Carmen Berzatto. Fuck him. “I’m not your fucking boyfriend. I don’t know why you expect me to just-just-just do something!”

“Maybe I wanted you there as my friend!” you shouted over. Your voices could be heard from outside but everyone else pretended like they weren’t listening to anything that you both were saying. You were shouting over each other now, the fuse just breaks. “If you didn’t have any fucking plans to actually go, then don’t give me your good for nothing fucking promises!”

“I don’t need a girl leeching on me when I’m opening a fucking restaurant. Do you want me to put everything on you just because you asked me to? I’m not your fucking boyfriend. You know that right? And maybe-maybe I don’t want to be your fucking friend either!”

“Why would I want you to be my boyfriend, Carmy? You’re-you’re fucking unreliable! You have issues that need fixing. You think Claire could fix that? You think I could fix that? You think the girls you get wrapped around your fucking finger can fix your fucked up fucking head? Huh? Is that what you think? You’re so fucking miserable you make everyone around you miserable! Grow up!” He’s hurt. That’s what you thought of him? That he was miserable? Did he make you miserable?

“I don’t need to go to your fucking art exhibition when they’re all fucking shit.”

You closed your mouth before you could protest. The pain of his words felt like a slap on the face. If he regretted it, he didn’t show it. You turned away, nodding. 

“Fuck you, Carmen. Don’t fucking call me. Don’t fucking knock on my door. Don’t…don’t fucking think of me. I’m fucking done with you,”

“Yeah? You’re done with me, huh? Fuck you,” he spits back. He heard the waver in your voice; heard how you tried to steady everything. He wanted to say sorry but you were already leaving. Richie and Sydney couldn’t even ask you what happened because you were rushing out, throwing the painting you worked hard on for days at the back. Fuck Carmen Berzatto. Fuck him. 

-

“Fuck!” his chefs could hear from outside the office. Everyone heard the vile things you both screamed at each other; everyone heard why you were so angry. Everyone fucking heard. Nobody dared to move, they didn’t want to be on the receiving end of Carmy’s anger; not when The Bear was about to open. Continuous loud bangs and sounds of some object being thrown were heard too. Sugar sighed. 

“Carm?” she called from the door. “It’s almost opening,”

“I-I-I know, Sug.” he replied, blinking. “Uh, can-can you guys go ahead? I’ll be there, I just-just need to you know, calm down?”

“Okay, Bear,” she smiles, tapping the door frame before leaving Carmen in his own thoughts. He gets out of the restaurant through the back door, about to light a cigarette, when he sees the canvas wrapped with glassine. 

“Fuck,” was the only thing he could mutter before taking it and sitting where the staff usually stayed at when they wanted a break. He lights up a stick and lets it hang loose on his lips while he opens your gift with shaky hands. He was so immersed in the experience, gently removing the tape and making sure that nothing was ruined that he didn’t notice Sydney. 

The glassine reveals a painting of a plate of cannolis. He remembered that he told you the story about cannolis during Christmas and how he wanted to recreate that—take it for himself. He traces over the precise brushstrokes shakily. 

“That’s a good painting,” Sydney spoke, her hands behind her back. “Would be a waste to just throw it out.”

“I know,” Carmy nods. “I’m sorry you had to uh, hear all of that.”

“It’s…something,” Sydney replied, making Carmy chuckle. 

“I always…always seem to uh, fuck up everything,” he muttered. “I was on the way there, you know? Last night?”

“Yeah. You were so excited,”

“I was,” he coughed. “But I didn’t go because…” Words died down in his mouth. Why didn’t he go? “I’ve said some things and she-she doesn’t want me to call her anymore and I-I understand but like, I don’t know, Syd.”

Don’t know why I could never seem to just let myself enjoy things. I don’t belong anywhere else but in the fucking kitchen. It’s the only thing I was good at.

“I didn’t really want to to, uh, fuck this up.”

-

I want to talk to you.

Come to my apartment after your shift. Or whenever.

Carmen feels his palms sweat when he reads  texts you sent him days ago. He decided to go today, finally—he was never good at confronting things; always so explosive, so defensive. He didn’t know what he’d feel like today. He knocks on your door and hears the shuffling from the other side. He just got out of The Bear; he was tired but he forced himself to go. He had to go. 

“Hey,” you smiled tightly when you opened the door. “Come in.”

He nods, wordlessly entering your apartment like how henused to. Bag and shoes on the side. Somehow, this made him more nervous than usual. This was a prelude to something else entirely; he believed that.

“How are you? he asked, voice small and looking down. 

“I’m…good,” you replied, looking away. “You?”

“Busy,” he replied. The air felt heavy and his palms were sweating. “I’m…I’m sorry for not being there when I promised you that I would,”

“Why weren’t you there, Carm?” you asked and he could hear the sadness in your voice. He knew that your exhibit meant a lot to you. “You…you told me you will and well, you were…the-the person I want to be there the most.”

“I didn’t know that. I’m- I’m sorry,” he shrugged. “But why? I mean, I-I don’t know art. I like my shit but I-I’m not cool or understand—“

“Because I like you, Carmy.” you told him, looking at him now and trying to go nearer. He stepped back and you stopped your tracks.

“You—what?” he asked, shaking his head furiously; like your confession offended him. “You…like me.”

“I do,” you nodded. “But…it doesn’t matter.”

“Fuck. How many times do we have to go back to this very same place for you to understand?” he asked, running a hand through his hair. He told you before that he didn’t want to date. You told him you understood. You told him he was being egotistic when he told you not to get attached. He wanted to leave. He didn’t expect this to happen—he didn’t want this to happen. “I don’t—I don’t—“

“Carmy,” you cautioned him, trying to ease your beating heart. “Can you listen to me? I-I-I like you, okay and I’ve been thinking about it too. I’m—you’re always staying behind after sex and well, I just maybe thought that you liked me too.” You replied, swallowing his rejection for now.

“I don’t,” he snaps, tone sharp. “We’ll both be miserable in a relationship. I’ll never make-make you happy. You’re right, you know? I’m unreliable and-and-and issues that I need to fix…and I’m not the one you’re looking for,”

“I’m sorry for saying that. It wasn’t my place to do so,” was your meek reply. How does he feel so far away when he feels so, so, so close?

“No, uh,” Carmen blinks, shaking his head. “It’s fine. I-I-I needed to hear those things, you know? I’m sorry too…for everything.”

“Thank you.”

“That’s it then?” he asked. He was distressed. How could he fuck this up after telling Sydney that he didn’t want to fuck things up with you? “I…I had fun,” You were the only one who kept me afloat when everything else turned to shit. I missed you when we stopped talking. I should have fought harder. What else could I have done?

“Fun,” you chuckled bitterly. “Fun…that’s the only thing you’re going to say to me?”

Carmy frowned. 

“What else did you want me to say?”

“I don’t know, Carmy!” you exclaimed, pacing back and forth but never towards him. “God! Tell me that I’m important to you. Tell me that I’ll still be your friend…tell me that you—that you—that I mean more than a fuck!”

Silence. Carmy couldn’t find the words to tell you what you truly meant to him…that he wanted what you wanted too but he was too scared to fuck it all up again like he did with Claire.

You nodded, looking away. You breathed in deeply, as if trying to relieve yourself of the hurt. That’s all you’ve ever meant to him. 

“You lead me along and it’s fine. I know that it’s my fault for wanting other things but at least…at least tell me that I’ll still be your friend; that I still matter to you even if I dug myself a hole by feeling things. Tell me that you still need me to put everything on hold for you because I’ve been waiting you to call me all day…”

“I don’t want you to do that. I don’t want you putting your life on hold for me,” he rasps. “I don’t…”

“But what if I wanted to?” you asked, face slightly contorted because you didn’t want to be so vulnerable in front of him. Not when he hasn’t told you what you wanted yet. Carmy was just looking at you, tapping his foot on the floor. It was a nervous habit that he developed. Fuck, he needed a cigarette.

“Can you, uh, leave?” you asked, voice low. “I…” 

“No, no, no,” he begs, rushing towards you. He grabs a hold of your elbows to remind you that he was there. Would it mean anything? Would his touch convey all of the words he wanted to say? 

“Carm…” your voice breaks. “Carm…”

“No, no. You’re not just that to me,” he reassures “But you have to understand that-that I can’t love you like that.”

“Carmen, please…” you beg, tears brimming in your eyes. “Please…just, just leave,”

You’ve never asked him to leave before but it seemed like it was what you really wanted—like it was what you really needed. He nods, kissing your head softly before detaching himself from you. 

“I’m sorry,” Carmy said. “For-for not saying the right, uh, things.”

“Yeah,” you nod, hiding yourself from him. He hated that you had to do that when you’ve cried on his shoulders multiple times. He never liked seeing you cry; he just didn’t know that one day, he’ll be on the receiving end of your sadness. He watches you rub your forehead, biting your lip to stop yourself from crying. If you started crying, would he stay?

-

It’s been months since Carmy left. He’s been in his best form in the kitchen. He was making things easier for his staff; he was working twenty four hours a day. Going to The Bear early to help with prep; staying late to help them clean after a long shift of cooking and cooking and kitchen tours. He’s been getting acclaim—more acclaim, really. There was a waiting list on his restaurant and positive reviews from left and right flooded in. The Bear was dubbed as “The Restaurant of the Year” in Chicago despite being less than a year old. 

He’s been doing good—perfect. 

It was like he was a hamster in a fucking wheel with no other way to escape. He likes putting himself in gear, like driving fast because it makes him believe that nothing really hurts him. He didn’t like being at home; it reminded him too much of you. It reminded him of when you’d lean on the kitchen counter, a small smile on your lips while you watched him cook you something. He didn’t like sitting on the couch because it reminded him of when he slept with his head on your lap. He didn’t like it in his bedroom because he’s reminded of that night when you pulled him closer in your sleep. He didn’t like The Bear because the painting that you gave him hung so proudly by the dining area. It was marvellous—they said. How was he able to get a painting that you did when your art was so valuable and in demand? 

He was moving so fast so you wouldn’t cross his mind but it seemed like no matter what he did, he'd end up thinking about you anyway. 

It didn’t matter, how come a fall like that made him feel like flying? Maybe he’s waiting for it to hit him but he was feeling alright. 

He was alright. 

“Chef!” Sydney called, looking at Carmen who was chopping the vegetables like a madman. “Carmen!”

“Fuck, what, Sydney?!” he asked, slamming his knife on the counter. 

“You’re bleeding,” Marcus told him and Carmen looked down, blood was all over the chopping board. “You’ve been bleeding for a few seconds now…we’ve all been calling your name, Chef.” 

“Fuck, I-I-I’m…” Carmen was a blubbering mess, just watching his hand bleed like it didn’t matter. “I’m-I’m,”

“Take a break, Carm,” Sydney says but her partner just shakes his head. “Carm—“

“Sydney, don’t—don’t make me take a fucking break, please.”

“You’ll need to clean up and make sure there’s no more blood,” Sydney told him. “I’m not fucking around,”

“Yeah,” he nods, putting his fist over his heart and drawing circles. Sydney nods and Carmy fixes his station. 

He couldn’t stop shaking, though. Even Tina saw how his hand trembled. What the fuck?

“Carmen,” 

“Yeah…just…just give me a second, please.” he nods, picking his knife again and doing everything perfectly. Like clockwork. He’s back. He’s back. He’s fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m alright. 

PART 2

AN: Thank you for the love! This is going to be a two-part fic because I love how everything is right now… Don’t forget to comment / reblog if you like it! I read every single little thing you guys type…even the hashtags.

TAGLIST: @kpopgirlbtssvt @morgthemagpie @hal3ynicol3 @1800-queen-trash

[purplerose244]

Sweet Aftermath

Hi @forthegloryofdragons! I’m your Secret Santa for the @toa-secret-santa event! 😊 At this point it probably looks more like a New Year present, but Merry Christmas anyway and I hope you spent nice festivities!

Here we go with some Jlaire and our favorite punk wizard! ❤❤

Summary: Peace is momentary in their lives but when they get it, they enjoy it as much as they can. Dessert is always welcomed.

Also on the AO3

“Ouch!”

“Jim!” In the blink of an eye Claire was at his side, holding his hand before he could even process the idea of having a look himself. “You dummy, cut the strawberries, not your finger!” Granted that there wasn’t even any traces onto the actual cutting board – it was one drop at max, his girlfriend could be such a mama sometimes –, maybe it would had reached him some kind of prideful chef wound at being scolded for something this basilar.

It didn’t. All Jim could feel at the moment was the slightest pinch at the top of his finger, where the littlest red bubble was forming. It hurt. In a completely ignorable, absolutely meaningless way. But it hurt. It hadn’t hurt this little in a while now.

He couldn’t help smiling a little, even while Claire was already opening the cupboard to get the med kit. He had forgotten this type of common, after being the Trollhunter had become his everyday.

It was nice. And destabilizing. And a little freaky.

Then again, what wasn’t in his life?

While the little med kit was brought onto the counter of the kitchen and the cutting noises interrupted, the cheerful chatters coming from the living room brought his mind back. The party had been completely random, it had started with his mom wanting to know everything about what happened since they had last seen each other – well, she said that after the both of them managed to talk, with the messes of tears they had become with the both of them human again –, and it was continuing with plenty of people and food around.

Food gently cooked by the best chef of the Lakes’ house… not much of a competition really. But hearing his mom from the other room, chatting and gasping and laughing again, was enough to forget the bowl of popcorn on the table that she still somehow managed to mess up.

Jim breathed in, and then breathed out. Everything felt so new, yet exactly the same.

“Skin’s fragile. I forgot.”

“Well put it on a memo, it’s pretty important if you ask me. A mental memo…” The witch stopped midway, as she was pulling the plastic off the band aid. “I wonder if there’s a way to make that? A magical note stuck into your brain so you don’t forget it? I should ask Teach.” At last, the little medication was applied, At least none of the little red fruits got dirty. Yet Claire still wasn’t letting go of his hand, and when Jim looked up, there were those big brown eyes in front of which he could do absolutely nothing. “I’m serious, okay? Don’t get hurt, or at least try not to get hurt. I really think you had enough for a while.” She probably wanted to sound ironic.

It came out sad. Of course it did. And a lie as an assurance would had been pointless, the former Trollhunter would had made every single choice of his life all over again, to ensure the safety of those he loved. But maybe out of egoism, he would had not dragged them all in like this, knowing how much they were going to suffer for his sake. He wanted his friends near, yet not nearby. Did it make sense? Who knew? Maybe it didn’t have to.

Claire held onto both of his hands, looking up at him, lips curved in a little hopeful smile. And that put an end on any thought. It didn’t matter after all. As a human, as a half-troll, as a full troll, the sight right before his eyes had not changed. And he didn’t want it to change.

Jim sighed softly, nodding with a smile.

“I’ll do my best.” Claire sighed softly.

“Please do.” She leaned and kissed his cheek, and oh, magically there was absolutely no more pain into his entire body. A witch indeed, eheh. “What do you need the strawberries for?”

“Decoration mostly, but there’s so much chocolate in this that you need something fruity to make it less strong.” Right on cue the timer went off. He quickly stopped the noise and hurried to the fridge, taking out the cream that seemed perfectly chilled and ready to use. “Also should I say, strawberries and chocolate? Mucho romantico.” He shot a wink towards his girlfriend, who made that fond eyeroll from whenever he attempted to speak Spanish.

“Whatever, charmer. Get it over with, I’ve been smelling amazing stuff all evening and I’m really tempted to paralyze you with a spell and have it all myself.” Well if that wasn’t one of the sweetest compliments for his cuisine he had ever received. “How can I help?”

“Get me the sponge cake, it’s near the window.” Jim gave the cream a further whip to make sure it was airy and homogenous, before pulling out a spoon from the drawer – reminding himself last minute that he couldn’t and probably shouldn’t munch it anymore. “Alright, now for the tester…” He could had taken it himself of course, his sense of taste was back to human-like. Yet it was still hard to accept it, like his mind wasn’t fully into the all magical transformation that brought him back. He just needed a bit more of time, maybe. “Mrs. Nunez? If you could be so kind?”

“Oh well, if I really have to…” Claire smirked, putting the baking tray in front of her boyfriend with the sponge cake all rested and ready for the use. Then she leaned forward, taking the spoon into her mouth. She licked her lip. “Mm, oh yeah.”

“So it’s good?” She arched an eyebrow at him. “What? Let me brag a little, I’m good!”

“What if I still prefer guacamole over this?”

“Claire, you make amazing guacamole, but you also make a major bowl of it with, like, three tortillas. That kind of love is a little hard to match, even for my chef skills.” He got an elbow, because clearly some people couldn’t handle the harsh truth. “Just tell me if I should add something or mix it some more.” If it wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t going into the cake.

She knew that. She knew it, and she grinned widely, putting a hand over his cheek with a very evident intention into her eyes. With the sudden realization Jim had to claw onto the bowl with both hands to prevent any catastrophes like letting it drop accidentally, because kissing Claire was that mind-blowing – and it took him quite a bit to make this cream, thank you very much. A chocolate kiss that got him such jelly knees he was considering just letting himself go with the unconsciousness, it would had been the sweetest knockout of all of his Trollhunter life. This girl had gotten so much more confident since they first started to hang out. She was as gentle as a lady, and as vigorous as a warrior.

His Claire. His amazing, beautiful Claire.

She pulled away first, perfectly in control of the situation, smiling softly at him. The aftermath was possibly even better, knowing that this was real and it happened and it was going to happen again. Somehow he still could hardly believe his luck.

Claire bit her lip, staring with those big impossible eyes.

“Too sweet, maybe?” Jim shook his head with a grin.

“Nope, absolutely perfect.” Did that come out corny? Smoothness wasn’t exactly a skill of his, hopefully he didn’t ruin- and Claire was kissing him again, never mind, he loved life.

“Okay mates, quick update, we’re out of snacks in the other room and since I lost rock paper scissors I got sent here also to sneak on the dessert, and if you’re wondering how I lost let me remind you that Binky got four aaaaaarrrrm…” He loved life a little less with their good old – apparently very old – master wizard coming into the kitchen uninvited. That sheepish little grin was kinda funny though. “So, you mess with the timeline once, and you acquire the magical ability of having a terrible timing. Noted.”

Jim pouted. Claire laughed. Jim laughed. That was just how it was, also his girlfriend suddenly had that malicious look into her eyes that told him he wasn’t going to dislike the next following minutes – and he knew she had that look before she became a shadowmancer so… destiny?

“You’re actually right on cue, these dirty dishes are dying to meet you.”

“Uh… how badly are they dying?” And now the witch was glaring, the wizard immediately raised his hands for surrender. “Can’t blame one for trying.”

“Try and ruin another moment between me and my boyfriend, you’d wish I was only blaming you. You got out with little.” That was probably true and that was probably a given, hence why a second later Douxie was over the sink, pouring down the water and reaching for the soap. Claire gave him a firm nod. “Alright, what do we got?” She turned to the counter, gathering a few snacks onto another tray. “Okay, all kinds of chips, cold popcorn from the microwave Barbara made oww, socks, so many socks, a few burritos Krel’s friend brought…” Given the discovery that aliens were real, having an extraterrestrial as a taco seller so responsible for the burrito that had gotten Gatto that nasty stomachache somehow even made sense. “This should do for a while. Be right back.” She gave him a peck on the cheek and went to the living room.

Again, human’s skin was sensible. Jim hadn’t realized it made a difference before, he had been sturdy, strong as a half-troll. And so hardly soft and easy to please. It was still a little complicated listing off what was good and what was bad of his current situation. But one thing for sure, he loved how Claire’s kisses were sweeter than ever.

A snort. Apparently he had been staring at the door for a while, and Douxie was holding back his laughter with little success. So the former Trollhunter grinned back, giving him a shoulder while putting down the cream onto the squared sponge cake.

“Shut up and do the dishes.”

“Roger that.” The wizard stopped the water as the sink was full, getting to work. A minute of silence was filled solely by the tinkling of dishes and the dripping of water. A nice moment of normality. It had been a while after all. “You know, I gotta say.” Douxie wasn’t looking, yet there was definitely fondness into his eyes. “Spending 900 years adventuring and protecting the world, I’ve seen a lot of things. But a witch learning how to control dark magic in order to save her human-half-full-troll-hunter boyfriend? That one I’ve been missing.” He was fast at cleaning, swift and careful. He must had done it quite a lot at the restaurant he used to work in.

Jim sighed, nodding softly, his eyes lingering on how nicely the chocolate smelled and look. He carefully pushed the remaining onto one side, smoothing the surface.

“I’m so lucky to have her.”

“She’s also lucky to have you. You’re pretty great, and brave. To the point where it gets scary. And worrying. A lot.” Douxie laughed a little awkwardly, clearing his voice. “Not that I can talk, really.” Right, the two of them got so close to their demises for the sake of others.

They were similar. Very similar. Jim couldn’t help smiling.

“We really need to stop trying to die.” The wizard cracked a real laugh.

“Got that right.” Another moment of peace followed, and to this mindless noise Jim was starting to get used to again. “What are you making anyway?”

“Bouche de Noel.” Wow, exactly the same frown as Claire, was it a wizard thing? The confused judging eyebrow? “Yes, you don’t have to tell me, it’s a Christmas dessert. Yes, you don’t have to tell me, it’s disgustingly anachronistic. And no, you really don’t have to tell me, because I’m not trying to pull a Christmas on July thing. You got a British accent, not an Australian one, I wouldn’t even have a stretch to work on here.” Another little laugh. “I’ve been postponed it since forever not knowing if I had the bakery skills, but now that I got functioning tastebuds back I’m all in for it.”

With the cream down, he finally went over the cake, rolling it carefully to form the base of his dessert. It had chilled perfectly and had maintained the form, it looked just like the one in the picture where he got the recipe from. The thrill of making something with his own hands. Another absolutely pointless fun of just a human. It felt great.

Douxie gave it a peak, whistling.

“That looks and smells possibly even better than the mince pies from Camelot. For what’s worth I’m very glad we’re getting Christmas today!”

“Right, because you never know what might… uhm…” Jim swallowed, his throat suddenly very dry. From the wizard’s widened eyes, it looked like he couldn’t take that back even if he wanted to. “… today feels so nice. My friends are all here, my mom is here, my girlfriend is here. It hasn’t happened in a while, and I guess I realized how rare this is. We’re not even at the end of summer and we got three different apocalypses, so I thought of… not having too many regrets?” Now that it was coming out it felt very stupid. And insecure. Which wasn’t exactly weird coming from him, but at this point? A fight more a fight less? What was the difference?

He didn’t want to know what it was. He got too close already.

The master wizard breathed in and out, extremely deeply, the washing work momentarily forgotten. He picked a towel from the counter, slowly passed it through his fingers, then let it down. Only to bring one hand onto the former Trollhunter’s shoulder.

“You’ll make a fruitcake, at the real Christmas. A Panettone, or a strawberry cake maybe?” He was smiling, with that renovated determination that had gotten him ever since he came back from beyond the grave. “So you better invite me, and all the others. We’ll have another party just like this one, all together. Every single one of us.” That sounded like a promise. And this guy, this wizard was always ready to give everything for his promises.

So Jim nodded. It was barely a confirmation that everything was going to be okay. But the effort, that alone, was worth at least hoping for. They were all in this together.

Luckily for the guitarist there wasn’t much to clean up besides the bowl and various plates – for now at least, he was half sure Claire was taking this long just to pile up other stuff –, but he stayed to watch the trunk taking form. Two cuts for the shape. Ganache all over. Without worries.

Without problems. He was here. Right here, safe and alive… oh.

“I didn’t thank you, huh.”

Douxie blinked, taken back.

“… there were, like, five dishes. Doesn’t really compare with my shift at Benoi-”

“For saving my life.” Another sequence of batted eyelashes, and it was almost too easy imagining what were going to be his next words. Today Jim felt completely in charge of the situation, finally. “And I’m not talking about the whole turning back into a human thing, neither about the Arcane Order, even though that’s also worth mentioning.” Having Nari around was mildly unusual for that, but she was adorable enough to forget about it. “Claire told me about you guys at Camelot. About trying to find a way back to our time, saving everyone, saving me… the dungeon break was your idea. I wouldn’t have escaped if it wasn’t for that.”

Douxie seemed to have problems grasping this, or simply accept it. He turned his eyes back to the sink, almost as he wished there was still something to make himself busy with.

“It was nothing.” This time it was Jim who snorted.

“You messed up a timeline for one single half-troll, that’s a bit of something. I mean… I doubt Merlin would’ve done it.” That was probably uncalled for. But despite knowing how much those two wizards were close, it didn’t erase what that old man had done to him in the past.

There was no hatred into those amber eyes though. Just thoughtfulness.

“… I knew it was risky. But I also knew that too much depended on you.” The wizard managed a sad smile. “If that wasn’t a mistake, because Merlin didn’t believe in them, then I guess I really wanted to believe in the unexpected possibility that you were going to create… I didn’t want to leave a single friend behind.” He scratched the back of his head, shrugging a little. “Also my wallet couldn’t bare losing a tipper like you.” Sarcasm had to be some kind of special power of those who had been playing with life for too long.

Maybe that was also what made them so similar. Maybe that was also why, in some way or another, they had managed to survive. Jim smiled, bringing an arm onto his shoulders.

“Thank you, Douxie.” The wizard looked at him in bewilderment. And then, slowly, he lightened up, clenching his hold onto his shoulder. Giving him the feeling that maybe, just maybe, there hadn’t been many satisfactions for him lately. And this one came right on time.

“I did fix something after all.” He smiled too. “You’re very welcome, my friend.”

“So NotEnrique bet and won all the socks at Monopoli and I don’t know why I didn’t see it coming, that brother of mine will be the death of- aww, look at you.” Claire smiled at them, putting down the empty tray. “Having a little moment?” When he had taken that little detour for school at the beginning of this adventure, he definitely didn’t expect that one day he was going to be found by his girlfriend preparing a dessert for a bunch of mythical creatures and humans, while sharing a bro gesture with Merlin’s apprentice.

Did he ever say that his life was weird? Because boy oh boy it was.

Douxie took all his time to gave him one last pat and then turned to the girl, this time him being the one to showcase the little menacing grin – he never did dark magic before right… right?

“Indeed we were, guess who ruined it and will join me at cleaning dishes?”

“… well played Casperan. And that’s the only reason why I’m agreeing.” Claire huffed humorously, getting the dishes she just brought in onto the sink. “How’s the cake?”

“Almost done, just need to cover it and decorate it.”

“Good, because Toby got to his praising of your culinary skills, with plenty of more details now that he got all confident about making that one movie. So I’m pretty sure there will be a riot unless they get cake.” She breathed out, picking up a sponge only to look intensely at how her boyfriend was putting down the chocolate bark of the Bouche. It used to bring him such crazy butterflies in his stomach he could had passed out just by the knowledge alone. Now he couldn’t think of a life without those eyes on him. “We really need to do this more often. Just… this.” No silence felt more eloquent than the one that followed. It barely needed a nod from the two of them, while the dessert was finally put altogether with the covering and a smoothing for the surface.

Jim picked up a fork and started passing it over the covering, creating traces that made the trunk look somehow real. He moved the tool steadily, enjoying this, enjoying every moment of this peaceful time of them. Then he turned to the strawberries, all arranged nicely onto the cutting board, and he smiled a little.

He picked up a knife and one of the fruits.

“Let’s see…” He engraved it, creating little petals getting smaller towards the center, and placed it onto the cake. “Roses for my love.” Claire giggled, lancing her arms around his neck from behind. Then Jim picked up another strawberry, cutting it in thin pieces, then placing them onto the surface to form a note with a long tail, the only notion he had about music – at least not including that one piano kinda-serenate to Senor Uhl for not repeating the year. “And a note for my friend.” He completed with a few leaves of mint all over. “I think we’re ready now.”

Today Douxie looked so easy to please. Or maybe he really did spend a long time without being recognized for much. Because his amber eyes were shining, and it looked like he was holding back a much wider smile.

“Were you always this mushy, or was it Claire that has changed you?”

“Don’t know, don’t care, don’t ever want to find out.” Jim picked up the dish with the Bouche on it. “This is all I want.” The witch tightened her grasp – never mind, butterflies still lived.

She showed her tongue to the wizard.

“Jealous that I got the sweetest guy ever?”

“Nah, I have a punk rock soul, I’m immune to pure cheesy lovey-dovey situations.” Douxie grinned, looking fondly at them. “But if I can say it…” He lingered onto them, perhaps a little troubled. And somehow it was clear, he was pondering about the future, it was a thing that he couldn’t help doing apparently. Despite that, his eyes were sincere, and this determination still as solid as before. “Yeah, the both of you have great taste in people.”

They were going to have more parties like this. For sure.

With Claire right next to him, Douxie opening the door, and the number of smiling familiar faces waiting for him, Jim managed to push away the thought of tomorrow, with everything that was most likely still going to come for them. Here, now, they were happy and alive. It was enough.

So he snickered, showing up the cake to his cheering family.

“Merry Christmas, everyone!”

[allie1804-fan]

Ile de Re (Chapter 1)

I wrote this fic  last year, mostly while on holiday on this lovely island.  If you are on Archive of Our Own, you may have seen it before. Written before Matrix 4 was announced and before Covid so sorry that the timelines are no longer realistic!

Summary

Keanu meets a chef to help him prepare for a movie role. Events conspire for them to spend even more time together than they planned and despite the large age gap, romance ensues.

1 2 3 4 5  6 7 8

April 2020

Keanu hung up the phone and quietly fist pumped to himself. He’d just had news that a new project had been green lit. It was one he’d been collaborating on for some time - where he’d play an American chef, somewhat down on his luck who was establishing a new restaurant in a rural French town. The thing that thrilled him most was that the project afforded him the chance to finally learn how to cook – at least a bit - because he’d need to demonstrate some skill in the film itself and to ‘find’ his character he wanted to understand more about the craft of being a chef – especially the passion that drove them.

He went to his office and pulled out his laptop, opening a file holding details of some chefs who Erwin’s team had tracked down that fit the bill in terms of the knowledge they had and their personal experiences. He dropped an e mail first to a chef names Yves Le Gouhier and another to a woman called Claire Bonnevin. They each had restaurants in LA but were French natives who had trained at home before heading to America to open restaurants of their own. He hoped that the guy would say yes since he felt he’d probably relate better to his experience however he checked out both of their bios and looked at restaurant reviews on line.

A few days later, the decision was made for him as to who would give him the coaching as Mr Le Gouhier was out of town for at least a couple of months, establishing a new restaurant whereas Ms Bonnevin was able to fit him in for some daily ‘classes’ starting the following week. Whilst mildly disappointed, he also recalled that he’d actually eaten at Ms Bonnevin’s place once and had really rated the cooking which mixed homespun flavours with Gallic finesse - the seafood there was to die for.  He responded quickly in the affirmative, and ever the perfectionist, asked if there was anything he needed to bring or any preparatory work he could do before Monday. Claire replied that if he could let her have a working copy of the script and tell her what his favourite meal was before the weekend – they could work on the skills he’d need to demonstrate in the film and, depending on what the meal was, also aim to make his favourite meal to a good standard by the end of the week. If he had some friends who’d like to eat what he made, then he should ask them if they were free.

“What a question!” he pondered, thinking about what his favourite meal was. Keanu was a man who liked to eat - so much so that he needed the counsel of his trainer Denise to keep off the pounds in between films! Would it be a good steak with garlicky greens and crushed potatoes?, veal with a cream and mushroom sauce, roast lamb with flageolets and dauphinois potatoes – this task was just making him hungry!  He decided on the latter thinking it would be a challenge and fitted with the style of cooking they had at “Le Chat Botte” which was Claire’s restaurant. The pressure of feeding something he’d made that wasn’t bacon and eggs or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich was both thrilling and unnerving. He messaged his sister Kim, his mother and friends Rob, Alex and Josh who were all pleased to be free although they joked that they might need to go to Macdonald’s to fill up afterwards!

Monday came around and Keanu pulled up at “Le Chat Botte” at 9am prompt. Entering via the service entrance as instructed, he walked into a spotless kitchen with gleaming stainless steel work stations, hobs and ovens  ranged along one wall and a large wooden kitchen table in the centre which had 2 sets of chopping boards in different colours along with a variety of knives, spatulas and other cooking implements arranged side by side in the centre of the table. No-one was in sight though Keanu could hear the sound of a voice coming from an adjoining room. Walking across the kitchen he stuck his head round the door of what turned out to be an office where he saw a petite, dark haired woman he recognised (from her bio) as Claire Bonnevin  - she was speaking to someone on the phone in French. She raised her hand to him in greeting, mouthing sorry and hurried to complete the call.

“Oui, Oui, je te rapellerai demain  - mon nouvel client vient d’arriver, oui oui c’est lui, donc il faut que j’accroche.  D’accord d’accord, je sais. Au revoir”

Claire turned to Keanu blushing - she had the distinct impression that he’d understood that she’d just referred to him in her conversation.

“so sorry about that – that was my restaurant manager back home in France just giving me an update on my dad  - he’s not been too well recently so we’ve been talking every day” Her English accent was excellent with only a slight gallic note.

Keanu stuck out his hand

“Nice to meet you Ms Bonnevin and no problem – you didn’t need to rush them off the line on my account”

Claire smiled and shook his hand, “I heard you were impossibly polite! – of course I did, I was eating into your paid time – nice to meet you too by the way. Keanu grinned - Claire could feel the colour rising in her cheeks again  - she wasn’t exactly sure why - maybe it was the directness of his gaze or the brilliance of his smile.

“So, are you ready for your training?”

Keanu chuckled and responded with what he thought was the expected reply “hell yeah” but Claire didn’t react, “maybe the Matrix reference was unintentional” he thought – she was pretty young after all, (her bio said she was 35) so maybe she was one of the few whom it had passed by!

“So let’s go through to the kitchen and get started” she said leading the way back to the room where Keanu had entered earlier.

For the next 4 hours they talked through and tried out some of the particular skills that would be needed in kitchen scenes. Whilst they worked, they got to know each other a little with Claire wanting to find out about Keanu’s food knowledge and experience and Keanu quizzing her about her beginnings in the industry. He discovered that she grew up on a tiny west coast island in France called L’Ile de Re” where her Dad still owned a restaurant called, like hers in LA, “Le Chat Botte”.  He no longer worked as a chef there but lived in the little village where it was, hence the manager being able to keep Claire appraised of his health.  She’d learned her craft there and then moved on to train in Paris, New York and then LA to establish her namesake restaurant in the US.

For her part, from what Keanu said, she could see that despite not having grown up in a house where people had a passion for cooking, he nevertheless clearly had a passion for food  - from the humble sandwich to fine foods from around the globe. He was also a quick study, picking up the knife skills needed to finely chop onions and garlic on film that he’d need. She was a patient teacher, though she would occasionally break into French when she was struggling to communicate the exact technique such as when at first he couldn’t master the rotation of the knife needed to chop finely:

“tient tient, comme ca” she said, placing her hand over his to show how the blade needed to rock back and forth over the garlic.

At 12 they broke for lunch at which point Claire challenged Keanu to make her his best sandwich from the ingredients on hand. He asked her what she liked and created a layered club sandwich which she declared excellent. By the time he left at 1pm, Keanu was convinced that she was an excellent choice of teacher and one he’d enjoy learning from. He could hardly wait for the next day when they were going to study cuts of meat by going to Claire’s favourite butcher.

The week progressed with a mix of hands on cooking classes and continued trips to suppliers which served to explain the importance of provenance and quality ingredients. They also worked on timings  and started to plan the stages of creating the menu Keanu had planned for Friday’s lunch.

On Thursday Keanu tried out the dauphinois potatoes and was thrilled with the result - he was really starting to enjoy cooking and his rapid growth in skill. Claire praised him warmly and suggested he try a dessert as well for the next day.

“You could try something simple like a mousse au chocolat but I think you’re ready to really wow them”

“Oh yeah?” Keanu grinned “With what?”

“A tarte Tatin”

“What!, are you sure?”

“Absolutely – you’re an excellent student - let’s do one today together, you’ll master it I’m sure”

She showed him how to prepare the sugar and butter in a special tin that could go on the stove and then in the oven to finish. They prepped the apples placing them rounded side down in the tin and proceeded to caramelise the butter and sugar until it was a gorgeous molten mahogany. Then he learned how to make the shortcrust pastry using cool hands to rub the butter into the flour then bring it together to a dough which rested in the fridge. Once rolled out, he placed it onto the cooled apples, tucking in the edges round the sides. The result when they turned the tarte out (upside down to reveal the apples) was amazing – sweet, tender apples with the sugary caramel cut a little by freshly grated lemon rind and a melt in the mouth pastry to top it off.

“See!” she smiled, “I knew you could do it”

“No, you did it!” he grinned

“Well, OK so today we both did it but tomorrow it will all be down to you”

Friday came and Keanu got to the restaurant at 8am wanting to have as much time as possible to get everything perfect.

By 11.30 the lamb was resting, his gratin and tarte were in the oven and the beans were simmering gently.

The meal was beginning with a simple salade aux lardons  - it was time to dress it with the vinaigrette he’d made earlier. He started to toss it gently but some lettuce flipped out over the side

“Watch out you don’t drop too many said Claire – unless you want lots of children’ she laughed!

“What?” Keanu asked, shooting her a quizzical look.

“it’s a saying we have in France that the number of leaves you drop when you’re tossing the salad tells you the number of kids you’ll have.

“Oh right” he chuckled, “that’s cute, but it’s way too late for that”

“What do you mean?, you’d have time to have them if you wanted, surely”

“I’m too old Claire”

“What, you must only be what?”, she paused to look at him and consider his face “…. About 45”

“Ha ha” Keanu laughed heartily.

“No, I’m fifty five”

“Merde” she exclaimed “ce n’est pas possible!”

Keanu shook his head and smiled - he loved how she reverted to French when she was reacting spontaneously to something.  

“I’m afraid it’s true, so even if I had a wife or even a girlfriend, I still think it’s too late to be having babies. I might be dead before they’re 20 or 30.

Claire’s face clouded over

“Sorry I didn’t mean to be all maudlin” he said

“Don’t worry, it’s just my mother died when I was 25 so I know that’s hard – but people die all the time, young and old.

“Ain’t that the truth” Keanu agreed quietly, remembering his own past.

“and lots of guys have babies when they’re older. Maybe you shouldn’t rule it out”

“Maybe maybe, anyway, enough serious talk, we should raise a toast before our guests arrive”

He poured himself and Claire a glass of wine.

“Here’s to satisfied customers!” she said

“and here’s to you for being such an amazing teacher – I can’t believe you’ve got me this far so fast”

“well that’s really down to you” she replied, smiling, “you work so hard and learn so quickly, it’s very impressive”

“I don’t know about that!” he said blushing, “Anyway, let’s not get ahead ourselves, I haven’t served it yet!!

They put down their glasses and Claire went to see if the guests had arrived at the table they had set aside in the restaurant. Meanwhile Keanu busied himself with finishing the salad and carving the lamb which he was happy to see was just the right shade of pink. He put it in the warming oven and also took out the tarte Tatin praying that it would be as good as the one yesterday when he turned it out later. Finally, with the main course as ready as it could be, he took the salad and some French bread through to the dining room.

The meal went down a storm - at the end Keanu stood and raised a toast to Claire

“Thank you for all your kind words folks but we really need to toast this amazing lady who has taught this old meat head some cooking skill. He took her hand and placed it over his heart

“ thank you, thank you, merci beaucoups, I’ll be forever grateful!”

Claire laughed and blushed.

“Just wait until next week when we’ll have you working in the restaurant kitchen, then you might not be such a fan!”

He laughed

“That may be!”

They said their goodbyes to Keanu’s amazed guests and went to clean down the kitchen.

“How’s your dad by the way?”

“Oh about the same apparently – no better, but no worse, he just needs to take it easy and stay off his damn bike”

“Oh, a pushbike or a motorbike?” Keanu asked, his interest peaked

“A push bike – he’s not a racer guy like you!” Claire saw Keanu pull up each day often on different bikes so she knew about his passion for them.

“everyone goes everywhere on bikes on the Ile de Re” she continued - it’s a cyclist’s paradise with cycle paths across the salt marshes and oyster beds and through the forests. But he had a heart attack last year and whilst he is supposed to exercise, he just pushes himself too much and that worries me”

“Do you have any other family there to keep an eye on him?”

“No, I’m an only child and there are no aunts or uncles either.

“Is your father still alive? She asked.

“Yeah – well at least I haven’t heard otherwise! He left my mother when I was three and I haven’t seen him since I was 13.”

“Mon dieu that must have been tough growing up without a dad”

“Yeah well I had my mum and my sister - he wouldn’t have been a good role model anyway”

“I could see today that you adore Kim and your mother”

“Yeah, yeah  I do - family and friends are my rocks to come back to  - after every project that’s what I look forward to”

“You know you’re not at all what I expected!” Claire stated.

“Oh, how so?” he asked

“Well, a couple of people I mentioned you to said they heard you were a nice guy and very polite but I guess I just expected someone more ………..starry, you know!”

Keanu burst out laughing.

“Well I’ll take that as a complement” he said

“you should – you’ve made it a very easy first week of teaching” she smiled

“Well thanks” he said the colour rising in his cheeks.

They finished up in the kitchen and Keanu took his leave saying he’d see her at 9am prompt on Monday for his week in the working kitchen.  He’d enjoyed her company so much that he’d almost asked her to dinner but held himself in check. She was so much younger than him and he knew his feelings weren’t entirely platonic. She was very cute with olive skin, beautiful eyes and a slender yet not too skinny figure – he didn’t really have a type but she hit the spot with him. He’d just have to quash those thoughts, focus on the learning and keep things on a friendly footing.

https://allie1804-fan.tumblr.com/post/625977593110364160/ile-de-re-chapter-2

[saturnheart]

FIRST.. THE AL-ANON MEETING.. “I uh…I had a friend once…a best friend.” 💔💔

“And then like the idiot he was, he gave Claire your number. He wanted to believe it wasn’t on purpose, that he had memorized your number so well it was the first he thought of when asked” SUCH AN IDIOT! 😭 CARMEN SHE’S GONNA CALL THE NUMBER!!

A chuckle left your lips as you leaned against the counter looking from Syd to Carmy, “I uh I stayed with the chef I was profiling.” You bit your lip trying to contain the grin threatening to split your lips, “I still have his number I could call him if you want. He kind of owes me a favor anyway.” WAIT…

You raised from your position against the counter, “Chef Luca?” Your voice trailed off a bit before the smile you were trying to contain finally made its appearance, “He’s this amazing pastry chef, who’s so passionate about his craft it was like watching a master at work!” OH?!?!?!?!!!!!

“Luca even taught me how to make this crazy dessert he was still perfecting, I mean mine was nothing compared to his but it was honestly the most fun I’d had in so long.” You reminisced about your time spent with Luca, “Oh, and my peach cobbler? Yeah, he taught me the simple syr-.” !!

“No yeah, I’m familiar with him.” Both you and Sydney were pulled from your animated conversation; the tight smile on Carmy’s face alerted you of his irritation. LMAO! 😭 idk why this reminds me of the scene from HSM2 (hopefully you understand or someone knows what i’m talking about) where ryan and gabriella had been hanging out a lot and ryan was going on about gabriella’s moms brownies and troy’s like “no yeah i’ve had them 😐” and everyone’s just like 🧍🏼🧍🏻‍♀️🧍🏽😭😭 (i use a lot of emojis ‼️beware‼️) but her rambling about luca like girl i understand.. he’s yeah.. like give me him! can he bake for me? 🥲🙄

Sydney watched the interaction play out between the two of you, a small smirk lining her lips as she watched how flustered Carmy got just by asking you a simple question. she’s so me.

“Wait no, I don’t want Carmy to be mad at me.” The two of you looked in Carmy’s direction, the man still watching just as confused as earlier. omg fak’s so funny

“She was lying to you my love, we don’t massage each other's breasts.” With those last words, Nat shut the door on a disappointed Fak and a mildly annoyed Carmy. natalie makes my heart warm whenever i heard her say “my love” like ilysm mommm 🫶🏻

“I promise to do better Nat, I want to be around to help with the little gremlin.” auntie baby 🤍🤍

“Oh, it’s me, uh…Claire. We lived down the street from each other as kids?” A gasp escaped your lips, surprised that she was calling you. I AM NERVOUSSSSS AGHHH I KNEW SHE WAS GONNA CALL AND SHE’S OBVI GONNA ANSWER (tbh if i was her… i honestly may have not answered cause i hate answering phone calls like girl just keep letting it ring it’s fine)

You watched as Carmy ran a hand across his mouth, eyes wide your name slipped past his lips the dire need to get you off that call racing through him. You held your finger up to him signaling to give you a moment, too wrapped up in miraculously connecting with an old friend. (i’m dead. carmy is sooo like he’s in shock. AND HE’S TRYING TO GET HER TO HANG UP? like no no no carmy this is the consequences to your actions!!!! watch what’s going to happen!!!!)

“You’re too sweet. You know how it is people change, they grow apart. I just think Carmy outgrew me.” It was becoming harder and harder to swallow your tears. OMG

“Answer quickly Carmen, your little girlfriend is calling.” You knew it was petty and you shouldn’t be upset with Claire for chasing after what she wanted, but for once you didn’t want to be the one fighting for scraps of Carmy’s affection. claire is so quick??? like i honestly wish i had this much confidence to call up a guy like she’s chasing for what she wants.. girl how do you do that i can’t even dm the guy that i like

“Why are you the way you are?” You were tired of putting Carmy and his feelings ahead of yourself, tired of running yourself ragged to accommodate your feelings for a grown man who was too scared of the truth. MY GIRL IS GONNA LET HIM HEARRR IT!!!!

“I have lived so much of my life for you and yeah I was stupid for that, but all I wanted was your happiness and all I wanted was happiness with you. I have given so much of myself to you Carmen I have lost pieces of u- of myself to you, Carmen.” The tears were raining down in full force. excuse me.. this is a lot like she’s going at him 😭😭 my poor baby

“All I wanted was for you to love me the way I loved you…the way I will continue loving you after today because the way I feel for you won’t just go away Carmen it will be stuck with me forever! What I lost to you will be stuck with me forever! And…and we spend this amazing weekend together and I accept that you can’t commit to me and I give you the benefit of the doubt because Mikey just died and you…fuck.” 💔💔

“You take my number that you’ve had for a year and you give it to some girl that you had some stupid pathetic high school fucking crush on. I’m not even worth a fucking phone call to you Carmen! And I…I’m not even supposed to be here right now but you wouldn’t fucking know because your too much of a fucking coward to allow yourself to be loved to be happy!” i need this to be added on to the bear tv show like they need to hire you and add this plot line because i just need to see this in live action on a tv. THE WAY YOU WRITE IS SO UNREAL LIKE 😭🥹

“I lost everything, Richie,” your voice was strained. “And I…I spared him because I knew he couldn’t handle it, you knew he couldn’t handle it…not after Mikey.” omggggg

“Why the fuck weren’t you there for her whe-.” “Richie!” Natalie’s stern voice caused Richie to harness some of his anger. “No.” The subtle shake of her head stopped his sentence mid-thought. HELLO???!!!!

Her hand fell to her stomach, eyes following suit, “Welcome to the family little one.” ME TO EVERYONE: YOU ALL NEED TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER FOR THIS BABY LIKE POOR NAT SHES TRYING HERE!!

And Uncle Mikey left us 'cause he was sick and I don’t want you to leave to Bebe.” this poor child oh my 💔💔

“What the hell was Eva talking about Baby,” I KNEWWWWWW IT WAS COMING!!!

“I’m not disappointed in you Baby,” Richie’s eyes rose to yours. “But I’m real fuckin hurt and the shit you just laid on me was a lot to take in but I…I want to understand and I want to be here for you.” 😭🤍

What purpose did he have if he couldn’t even keep his last promise to Mikey? this HURTSSSSSS i hate this he’s thinking about himself like this!

Carmy’s eyes watered as he raised the initial pendant to his lips, a lingering kiss pressed into it, and a whispered “I love you,” filtered through the quiet of his room. A JOURNAL. THE POLAROID PICTURES. THE PENDANT. 💔 YUP. I THINK THIS WAS DEFINITELY ONE OF THE HARDEST CHAPTERS LIKE TEARS!!! OMG THIS SERIES IS JUST!! IT KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER!!!!

chapter six | didn’t i do it for you?

masterlist | ↢ previous chapter | next chapter ↣

pairing: carmen berzatto x fem!reader | platonic!richie jerimovich x fem!reader | platonic!natalie berzatto x fem!reader | platonic!neil fak x fem!reader

summary: carmy knows exactly what he wants regarding you, but past mistakes always come to rear their ugly heads

warning(s): angst | hurt slight comfort | slight fluff | semi-jealous carmy | mentions of substance abuse | mentions of overdose | mikey | mentions of suicide | implied miscarriage | language | self-destructive behavior | arguments | forced love confessions | carmy’s sad boi hours | actions having consequences | more barby lore | children | no use of y/n | afab reader |

wc: 10.9k

a/n: hi lovies, this chapter may be a bit heavier than previous ones so please take the warnings extra seriously. if you are triggered by any warning please do not read this chapter i’ll literally message you a summary of the chapter if you need it. i may have missed some warnings so if that’s the case i do apologize it was not intentional. lastly please remember YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN MEDIA COSUMPTION….enjoy 🩵

“You know, I-I don’t think my family meant to ruin it or anything like that, you know.”

Carmy was trying to be better, to be more open. And it was easiest at these Al-Anon meetings, no one knew him, and no one had any expectations of him.

“I-I don’t think they did it on purpose,” his hand subconsciously raised to the chain securely tucked under his crew neck, rubbing the metal through the fabric.

“I don-it’s not fair to blame them for everything,” a sardonic huff of laughter escaped Carmy as he thought of the words he was going to say. “I uh…I had a friend once…a best friend.”

“She was the first thing in life that I felt belonged to me,” Carmy frowned, having trouble articulating what he wanted to say. “And not li- I didn’t own her or anything, but she was my friend because she chose to be, not because she knew me through Mikey.”

“And then I…I fucked that relationship up myself…uhh and as I sat there trying to think of what provided amusement or joy in my life…I just thought of my childhood spent with her…by my side.” He cleared his throat forcing himself to remember that he would probably never interact with any of these people outside of these meetings.

Carmy’s hand dropped from its place where his covered chain sat, now gripping the armchair. “She’s uh she’s back in my life now and I…I want those things with her again I…I want to fix things with her, be the person she believes I am.”

Sydney’s curiosity the other day gave Carmy a lot to think about. He was so accustomed to looking at the picture above his stove daily, that he hadn’t even given it a second thought when he invited Sydney over. Her curiosity was understandable, the interactions you and Carmy shared hadn’t been the warmest but that Polaroid would suggest otherwise.

“Yeah. Anyway, I’m happy to be here.” Carmy sat straighter in his chair, if he could admit his wants albeit vaguely to a room of strangers, he could admit his feelings to you. “Thank you, guys. Thanks for letting me share.”

Then he saw you at the grocery store, comfortable in someone else’s arms. He wasn’t jealous, or at least he didn’t think he was. But reality slapped him in the face, so sure of himself that the two of you could pick up where you left off he didn’t stop to think that maybe you didn’t want that anymore.

And then like the idiot he was, he gave Claire your number. He wanted to believe it wasn’t on purpose, that he had memorized your number so well it was the first he thought of when asked.

Carmy left the meeting hoping Claire didn’t call the number he gave her, hoping that you would be open to rekindling whatever relationship was left between you two.

Your morning was off to a great start. Hayden surprised you with breakfast at the office and signed off on your article for The Bear as long as it didn’t get in the way of your work at The Tribune. The two of you even brainstormed the best way to go about telling the story.

Since your late-night grocery run with Hayden, the two of you had fallen back into the friendship you developed all those years ago. It felt good to be reconnected with him, and thankfully things weren’t awkward considering your past sexual history.

Neither of you admitted to it, but you both knew the opportunity to fall back into your old ways would soon present itself, you weren’t sure if it was an option you would take advantage of though. The two of you weren’t in college anymore and as pathetic as it sounded since your vulnerable conversation with Carmy the other day, your heart still held out hope that the two of you could build up the foundation for a romantic relationship.

Rounding the corner of Orleans Street you finally made it to your destination, happy to have taken in the fresh air mid-morning had to offer. You approached the door to the restaurant hoping someone would hear your knock and let you in.

You smiled as Sydney opened the door moving back to allow you in, you reached up to slide your headphones off as you greeted both her and Carmy.

“Good morning, is Nat in?” The text you received on the train ride over from the oldest Berzatto was pushed to the back of your mind until now.

The urgent ‘we need to talk,’ text had worried you at first, but you had rationalized that Nat could’ve been referring to anything.

“Uh yeah, she’s in the office.” You nodded at Syd giving her a small smile in thanks before turning to make your way to the back.

“Oh hey, do you like have a second or…” You stopped in your tracks turning back to face the two chefs looking between them curiously before nodding once more.

You smiled waiting for one of them to speak, “Uh yeah can we make this quick though I need to speak with Nat.” You did your best to sound nonchalant, the longer you stood out here the more your anxiety began to rise, mind racing with what Nat needed to speak with you about.

“Yeah yeah of course,” Sydney stepped away from the door moving near Carmy who had remained silent since your entrance. “We were thinking of sending Marcus to Copenhagen and I know you stayed there, not like in a weird way but because I read your articles you know.”

You nodded your head eyebrows raised as a signal for Sydney to continue. You did your best to ignore Carmy’s stare while Syd rambled on about their idea and how the trip would help to inspire Marcus.

“…So we were wondering if you had any suggestions?” Her raised eyebrows stared back at you.

“Sorry suggestions for what?” The confusion was easily readable on your face, Syd’s excitement at the prospect overwhelmed you.

You watched as the two chefs stared at you, Carmy’s signature blank stare and Syd’s slightly hurt reaction that you weren’t paying attention.

“Oh uh for accommodations…in Copenhagen.”

The question surprised you, eyes darting to Carmy before focusing back on Sydney. You knew Carmen spent time in Copenhagen, so the fact that they were asking you for suggestions seemed a bit redundant.

Albeit stunned by the questions you smiled moving towards where the two of them were sitting, memories of your month spent in Copenhagen playing in your mind like a movie. The trip was months before Mikey’s passing and now as you think about it, it felt like that was the last time you had fun, and lived life without the worry that so often filled you now.

A chuckle left your lips as you leaned against the counter looking from Syd to Carmy, “I uh I stayed with the chef I was profiling.” You bit your lip trying to contain the grin threatening to split your lips, “I still have his number I could call him if you want. He kind of owes me a favor anyway.”

Carmy’s arms fashioned themselves across his chest, a frown pulling at his eyebrows. There was so much he didn’t know about you including the fact that you had spent time in Europe with some mystery chef.

“Oh yeah? What uh-who was the chef you wrote about? Maybe I know him.” Carmy’s words surprised you, the look you exchanged with Sydney proved that he didn't come across as casual as he was trying to.

You raised from your position against the counter, “Chef Luca?” Your voice trailed off a bit before the smile you were trying to contain finally made its appearance, “He’s this amazing pastry chef, who’s so passionate about his craft it was like watching a master at work!”

Carmy watched as you gushed about his former colleague, annoyance clawing at his throat as he took notice of just how happy the memories made you.

“Luca even taught me how to make this crazy dessert he was still perfecting, I mean mine was nothing compared to his but it was honestly the most fun I’d had in so long.” You reminisced about your time spent with Luca, “Oh, and my peach cobbler? Yeah, he taught me the simple syr-.”

“No yeah, I’m familiar with him.” Both you and Sydney were pulled from your animated conversation; the tight smile on Carmy’s face alerted you of his irritation.

You nodded, feeling a little bad at your rambling, “Okay well I’ll just go see Nat now, let me know if you need me to make that call.” You drummed your hands against the counter before turning around to take your leave.

“Hey uh, Baby?” You turned your head before disappearing around the corner eyebrows raised as you looked at Carmy. “Do you think we could maybe talk later?” You watched as his hand came up to scratch the back of his neck.

Sydney watched the interaction play out between the two of you, a small smirk lining her lips as she watched how flustered Carmy got just by asking you a simple question.

Your lips tugged up into a small smile, “Sure thing Carm, I’ll come back when I’m done with Nat.”

Carmy was sure his heart was beating so loud Sydney could hear it, the nickname something he hadn’t heard spilled from your lips in so long. The small smile he briefly caught did wonders for his already lacking confidence, he was now sure more than ever that there was a chance to fix things with you.

You entered the office to see Natalie pouring over documents presumably to do with permits and money in regards to the restaurant. You took a step forward momentarily stopping at Nat’s voice.

“Close and lock the door behind you please,” The lack of eye contact was grating on your nerves, either Natalie was completely stressed about her role as project manager or you had yet again colossally fucked up.

You did as told not wanting to further irritate your very pregnant friend. The office was silent neither of you spoke up as Natalie finished looking over the latest paper she had picked up.

She looked exhausted and you felt horrible knowing you had potentially added more stress onto her already-loaded plate. Nat gave you a small smile though her eyes looked anything but happy.

“Cortez called me this morning,” Nat’s eyebrows raised as she pointedly stared at you. Your head fell back against the door a quiet ‘fuck’ mumbled into the air. “Said this was the third meeting you missed.”

Nat waited for you to return your attention to her, “I’m only going to ask you this once Baby, and I really need you to be honest with me.” Nat leaned forward in the chair, closing a bit of the space between you so you would hear her quiet voice, “Are you using again?”

You sighed leave it to Cortez to fucking snitch you out, you didn’t realize that being a snitch was a requirement if you were someone’s sponsor.

“Baby?” Your eyes connected with Nat’s the softness of her voice and the watery appearance in her eyes told you just how worried she was.

Your head shook back and forth rapidly as you raised your hand to massage your temples, “I’m not using Nat I promise. And I know that means jack shit coming from an addict but I promise I’m doing good.” You took a deep breath calming your budding agitation, you knew Nat was worried and it wasn’t her that you were annoyed at but yourself.

“I uh…I’ve been stuck on step eight since I joined this whole rebranding project, and I…I knew that Cortez would be persistent in me getting it done.” You grimaced at the fact that you had already missed three meetings, you hadn’t realized how far things had gotten, “It’s just things felt normal again and I guess I thought I could just pretend like everything was okay.”

Natalie nodded as she listened to your explanation, she hated it but there was always a part of her that would be apprehensive. She had seen the manipulation substance abuse breeds firsthand when she stayed with you in the hospital after your overdose, it hurt her to see you hurting. To sit back and watch as the withdrawal symptoms ate away at you as you would fiend for a fix that you took your pain out on her and Pete.

Nat quickly turned to where her purse was sitting pulling out a box the two of you were all too familiar with.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” Your face scrunched up in anger, the emotion slowly residing as you watched Nat close her eyes and take a deep breath in. You felt like a complete asshole you knew Nat wasn’t doing this of her own volition and you had no one to blame but yourself for the predicament you were now in.

“Nat shit, I’m sorry you didn’t deserve that. But you really can’t expect me to take that here.” Your hand thrust out to the box that seemed to be taunting you.

“Baby you know the rules. I don’t like this as much anymore than you but when you just decide you don’t need to meet with your sponsor anymore, these are the measures we have to resort to.”

“Lead the way, Mom.” Natalie let out a small chuckle at your antics, thankful that you were being somewhat logical, “Wait is there a bag we can throw this away in, we can’t just leave the evidence in the bathroom.” The two of you turned to search through the office sure you would find a stray plastic bag lying somewhere.

You popped up, a plastic baggie securely in your grasp, “Does the toilet even work?” Nat shrugged, walking past you and making her way to the bathroom leaving you to follow behind.

“Aww yeah, party in the bathroom! Am I invited?” Nat stopped as Fak stood in front of the two of you hastily moving the bag behind her back doing her best to be inconspicuous.

“Sorry my love girls only, maybe next time,” Nat gave Fak a pat on the shoulder and her signature smile before maneuvering the two of you around him.

“Wait, is it that time of the month for us? Cause I think our cycles might be synced, I’ve been having the most insane cramps lately.” The words that left Fak’s mouth would never cease to surprise you.

“You know, I think you might be right Fak, my lower back has been killing me.” You indulged in Fak’s shenanigans, the man falling in line to walk with you as the two of you followed Natalie to the front.

Fak nodded along with you “No I’m like feeling it, should I invest in a heating pad?”

You snickered at Fak, “I usually just fill up a sock with rice and throw it in the microwave.” You shrugged like the conversation was a completely normal occurrence. “The first day is always the worst for me, my breasts get so tender.”

Fak raised his own hands to his chest cupping his pecs “Baby tell me about it, it’s just like one touch and I’m crying.” You could see Carmy’s confused look from your peripheral as your group finally made it to the bathroom.

“I could totally massage your breast Fak, but you would have to return the favor. It's only fair if you’re a part of the sisterhood.” You watched as Fak nodded his head rapidly, hands raising in the air and hovering in front of your breast.

“Wait, is this an actual thing?”

“Oh yeah me and Nat do it all the time, that’s actually why we’re going to the bathroom now.” Fak’s eyes darted to Nat before looking back at his hands inching closer to your breast.

“Wait no, I don’t want Carmy to be mad at me.” The two of you looked in Carmy’s direction, the man still watching just as confused as earlier.

You shrugged before turning back to Fak, “I can assure you Carmy would not give a single fuck if you touched my breast, Neil.”

The aforementioned man took in a gasp of breath before clearing his throat and slowly moving down the counter to get a better listen at what the hell the two of you were doing.

You, Nat, and Carmy waited to see what Fak’s next move would be, the smile raising to your face hard to keep under wraps, Fak was adorably easy to mess with.

Fak’s hands began to inch forward concentration clear as day on his face before a small shriek left his lips, “Baby I’m sorry, Carmy’s my best friend, I don’t think I can do this for you.”

You laughed at the disappointment in Fak’s voice, “Your loss babes, I know 16-year-old Fak would’ve killed for this moment.” Your hand raised to pat his cheek before you finally left his side and entered the bathroom as Nat held the door open for you.

“She was lying to you my love, we don’t massage each other's breasts.” With those last words, Nat shut the door on a disappointed Fak and a mildly annoyed Carmy.

Fak turned back to look at Carmy with an apology in his eyes, “I’m so sorry Carmy, teenage Fak was really fighting to come out right now but I know Baby’s your girl.”

Carmy frowned at Fak’s words, the irritation running through him at yours and Fak’s stupid antics. “She’s uh…she’s not my girl. Baby and I are just friends.”

Fak smiled widely in Carmy’s direction, “That’s great, you really should think about getting a girlfriend then, I just want you to be happy Carmy.” Fak began walking to the back to help move the appliances. Carmy let out a chuckle as he heard Fak mumble about missing his once-in-a-lifetime chance.

Carmy shook his head back and forth, having you back really was just like old times. He wouldn’t ever say anything out loud but Carmy was actually really glad he didn’t have to stand there and watch Fak fondle you.

“Pete said the two of you have a lunch date planned.” Your head shot up to Nat, the air had been a little stilted between the two of you since she had brandished the drug test.

A laugh bubbled out of you, “Doesn’t seem like the proper environment for a casual chat Nat.” You gestured to the dinghy bathroom you were in, emphasizing the urine sample sitting on the sink while the two of you awaited the results.

You watched the smile rise to Natalie’s lips, a somber look overcast on her face, “I’m not doing this because I want to Baby.” Nat’s voice took on a gravelly tone.

Natalie didn’t deserve this, she had already basically nursed you back to health once. And now here she and Pete were about to bring a life into this world, and here you were a grown adult still expecting everyone else to fix your problems. You knew Natalie didn’t need the stress and worry your life choices brought forth and if your overdose wasn’t a wake-up call enough, then Nat’s haggard appearance as you two stood in the bathroom sure was.

“I know and I apologize Nat. Really livin' up to my nickname aren’t I?” Nat chuckled listening to your apology. “There’s no excuse for my behavior. I know what’s expected of me I-”

Your words were cut off by the shrill ringing of your phone. The noise caused the two of you to jolt in the small bathroom. You quickly removed the device from your back pocket, it was a Chicago area code, but you already had everyone you knew here saved in your contacts.

“You gonna answer that?” Your eyes flashed to Nat, her eyebrows raised in question.

You took one last glance at the number trying to place it before clicking the power button and slipping it back into your pocket, “If it’s important they’ll leave a voicemail.”

“Anyway, I shouldn’t constantly depend on you to clean up my messes Nat, I don’t think I’ve been the best friend recently. And it should be you depending on me considering,” you waved your hand over her figure scared that if you spoke the word someone might hear. “I promise to do better Nat, I want to be around to help with the little gremlin.”

Nat raised her hand to wipe the few tears that were falling, making her way over to pull you into an embrace, “These damn hormones make me so emotional.”

You chuckled rubbing up and down Natalie’s back, “You’d be crying even if you weren’t compromised.”

The hug lasted up until the timer on Nat’s phone sounded, signaling the results were ready. The two of you pulled apart, with Nat sending you a reassuring smile.

It didn’t matter if you knew you hadn’t touched any substances since your hospitalization, you would always be nervous when it was time to read off the results. You waited with bated breath as Nat read over the testing stick, you would set up a meeting with Cortez as soon as you got the chance.

The sigh of relief Natalie let out stung you a bit, but you could understand her apprehension it wasn’t easy trusting a recovering addict.

“It’s negative Babes.” A sigh of relief left you.

A wide grin raising to your lips, “I told you so.” Nat rolled her eyes at the sing-song sound of your voice.

The two of you made quick work of cleaning up the bathroom, small talk about your future lunch with Pete floating around as you made sure all evidence was disposed of in the plastic bag.

Carmy watched as Sugar exited the bathroom the same drugstore bag from earlier in her hand. He sent a nod in her direction as she smiled at him before making her leave. Carmy was set to meet up with Syd in 30 minutes but he was hoping to speak with you before he took his leave, unsure if you would still be here later.

He returned his attention to the calendars with the timeline to open, checking off things that had already been taken care of and adding anything he wanted to double-check.

“You free to talk now, Carm?” He turned at the sound of your voice, a shy smile lining his cheeks as he took in the smile on your lips.

“Uh yeah, yeah if you’re free,” You nodded, coming to stand across from Carmy the old counter directly between you two.

Carmy’s eyes took in the sweater you were wearing, similar to the style in his but while his was a nice grey color, yours was a deep green. The familiarity of the crew neck finally dawned on him as he realized it was his crew neck you were wearing, the last time he saw it was the night he left you in his apartment all those months ago expecting to still see you there when he returned home.

It was silent as the two of you stared at each other, a giggle escaped your lips at the lost look on Carmy’s face. “What’d you wanna talk about Carmy?”

Carmy nodded trying to remove the memories from his mind, “I uh…I know I ruined our friendship and…and whatever was left of it.” He paused, eyes falling to the crew neck carefully wrapped around you, the memory of watching you get dressed after the shower you shared swimming around in his head, the extra pictures of the two of you tucked safely into his bedside drawer.

“Carm hey,” he watched as your knuckles knocked against the counter to bring him back to the present time.

“Yeah, I uh I just have a lot I think we should talk about Baby, and maybe the restaurant wasn’t the best place for it.” He reached up to scratch the back of his neck, nerves running haywire.

You nodded a serious look painted on your face, you were sure you knew what Carmen wanted to speak about but you also had secrets of your own you wanted to share with him.

“I…I want us to try and be friends again or at least be cordial with each other…if that’s not too much to ask.” Carmy huffs out a breath of laughter, eyes latching onto your figure in front of him.

He watches as you appear to be thinking, most likely retracing the path of your relationship through the years memories running through your head that he has absolutely no idea exists.

“Carmy, you’ve never not been my friend but a lot of your choices hurt m-.” Your phone rang again echoing off the walls in the front of the restaurant.

You gave Carmy a small smile before removing your phone, the number that’s calling you is the same one that called while you were in the bathroom with Nat earlier. You raise your finger to Carmy, gesturing that you need to take the call.

“Hello.” You wait as the other line stays quiet.

“Baby?”

You frown looking up at Carmy as he watches you hoping your call ends soon, “Uh I’m sorry who is this?”

“Oh, it’s me, uh…Claire. We lived down the street from each other as kids?” A gasp escaped your lips, surprised that she was calling you.

You move the phone from your mouth. Hand moving up to cover it as your eyes find Carmy’s “It’s Claire.” Your whisper takes a moment to register in his ears, too caught up in the bright smile on your face.

“Wow, it's so good to hear from you. Um, I hope I don’t sound rude but how exactly did you get my number?” You watched as Carmy ran a hand across his mouth, eyes wide your name slipped past his lips the dire need to get you off that call racing through him.

You held your finger up to him signaling to give you a moment, too wrapped up in miraculously connecting with an old friend.

“Oh um, this is going to sound weird. I uh…I ran into Carmy the other night at the grocery store and when I asked him for his number…this is the number he gave me.” You listened as Claire spoke, the smile quickly disappearing from your lips as your eyes found Carmy’s alarmed ones.

“Carmen gave you my number?” You watched the regret flash through his eyes.

“Mhm.”

“And claimed it was his?”

“Uh kinda yeah, it’s a bit weird but maybe he was just planning to call you or something.” A small laugh left your lips, if he hadn’t called you since he last saw you, you could bet he had no plans to ever call you.

“Yeah…fuckng bizarre.” You could feel the lump forming in your throat.

“Sorry if this is weird but do you think you could give me his number?” It felt like senior year all over again and you were the bridge between these two souls

An ironic smile rose to your lips as you stared directly at Carmy, the panic glaringly obvious in his eyes because he couldn’t hear Claire’s responses.

“Oh, Claire Bear I’m so sorry I haven’t spoken to Carmy in what’s it been?” You paused your glare on Carmy impenetrable.

“Five years, since high school graduation. I don’t even have his number.” The crack in your voice was evident to all who could hear, Carmy wished he could disappear at that moment.

“Oh no, is everything okay with you two?”

“You’re too sweet. You know how it is people change, they grow apart. I just think Carmy outgrew me.” It was becoming harder and harder to swallow your tears.

“Wow, I’m sorry to hear that Baby. But I heard you're back in Chicago, maybe we can catch up?”

“Claire I’d love that, hey before you go try Fak for Carmy’s number I’ve heard they’re extremely close now, have a great rest of your day!” You listened as Claire said her goodbyes quickly, hanging up and placing your phone back in its designated pocket.

It was silent as you raised your head to the ceiling, a disbelieving laugh escaped your lips as you felt the tears trace down your cheeks. You were getting fucking tired of crying.

“Baby hey, hey let me exp-,” Carmy’s pleas were cut short as both of your eyes shot to his now ringing phone on the counter. Neither of you needed to be a fucking genius to figure out who was ringing Carmy’s line.

“Answer quickly Carmen, your little girlfriend is calling.” You knew it was petty and you shouldn’t be upset with Claire for chasing after what she wanted, but for once you didn’t want to be the one fighting for scraps of Carmy’s affection.

You didn’t want to have to share.

His hand quickly shot out pressing the power button on the side silencing the ringing, taking the extra step and turning it face down as he watched you just stare at it.

“Baby I-,”

“Why are you the way you are?” You were tired of putting Carmy and his feelings ahead of yourself, tired of running yourself ragged to accommodate your feelings for a grown man who was too scared of the truth.

“I-” You took a deep breath to collect your thoughts. “I’m so hurt right now Carmen and I want to be angry, I want to be so fucking angry with you but I’m just hurt and exhausted, and I…I really don’t even want to waste my breath on you right now, but I’ve put up with a lot of your shit and I think I’m just done.” Carmy flinched at the sardonic laugh you let loose.

“It hurts Carmen…it hurts when the person you’ve been truly in love with for most of your life doesn’t even treat you like an option.” You ignored the sharp intake of breath that came from Carmen’s direction, surprised he even had the guts to listen to your rant.

The ringing in his ears along with your broken voice overwhelmed him.

“I have lived so much of my life for you and yeah I was stupid for that, but all I wanted was your happiness and all I wanted was happiness with you. I have given so much of myself to you Carmen I have lost pieces of u- of myself to you, Carmen.” The tears were raining down in full force.

It was one thing to cry when you were hurt but to cry out of anger and exhaustion would probably always be the worst feeling.

“All I wanted was for you to love me the way I loved you…the way I will continue loving you after today because the way I feel for you won’t just go away Carmen it will be stuck with me forever! What I lost to you will be stuck with me forever! And…and we spend this amazing weekend together and I accept that you can’t commit to me and I give you the benefit of the doubt because Mikey just died and you…fuck.” Your hand slammed against the counter top your thoughts all over the place.

“You take my number that you’ve had for a year and you give it to some girl that you had some stupid pathetic high school fucking crush on. I’m not even worth a fucking phone call to you Carmen! And I…I’m not even supposed to be here right now but you wouldn’t fucking know because your too much of a fucking coward to allow yourself to be loved to be happy!”

You could feel the oncoming migraine from how loud you were shouting, you did your best to ignore the gathering crowd, Nat and Richie at the forefront watching with worried glances, as Marcus Fak and the rest of the crew peaked through from the back.

A shuddering breath floated through your lips as you felt the lifetime of exhaustion catch up with you. “I almost gave you all of me Carmen. Please just leave me alone” The words escaped your throat in a hoarse whisper. You were so far gone that you couldn’t even see the look of heartbreak and despair marring Carmen’s features.

“Baby, hey!” Your eyes shot to Richie as he blocked your line of vision to Carmen's. Head shaking back and forth arms slowly reaching out before coming to rest on your biceps thumbs gently massaging into them. “Let’s take a break Baby calm down a bit yeah?” He nodded his head waiting for you to nod along before he led you to the back, making sure to block your view of Carmen.

You were shaking as the two of you made your way past Nat a whispered ‘I’m sorry’ leaving your lips as she was left to deal with the mess that was Carmy.

“Fuck!” The loud crashes of a heavy object slamming into the floor caused you to jump in Richie’s hold as he led you back into the office.

Little tremors shook through your body as Richie carefully guided you to sit in the lone office chair. Taking his position by your legs as he squatted in front of you, worry etched into his features at having never seen you react like that.

Your hands came to grip Richie's, the tear tracks on your face now dried, you were almost positive you had run out of tears to cry.

“I lost everything, Richie,” your voice was strained. “And I…I spared him because I knew he couldn’t handle it, you knew he couldn’t handle it…not after Mikey.”

Richie’s eyes squeezed closed as he raised your intertwined hands to his forehead, haunting memories of you forcing their way through. He dropped your hands delicately cupping your face to press a kiss on your forehead, “I know Baby.” The words were spoken softly against your skin.

The two of you sat in that position as you gained control of your ragged breathing.

“I’m a hypocrite, Rich,” you separated yourself from him, locking eyes. “I blamed Carmy for so much out there…but I’ve done something so unforgivable, I don’t think you’ll look at me the same.” You wanted to cry but the exhaustion ate away at you.

“Hey I’ve been through some shit Baby, we’ve been through some shit, nothing,” the firm grip on your chin reminded you of the lost soul who should’ve been in the room with you two. “Look at me when I’m talking to you. Nothing you say will change how I look at you.”

It was always weird to see Richie serious and the voice of reason, not that he didn’t have his moments, but seeing Rich without his signature smile made it feel like you had stripped him of something so personal.

“How bout this, Sug or I take you before you beat Carmy’s ass,” the sentence drew a small laugh out of you. “And then I’ll come over when I’m done here, pick up some dinner and we’ll have one of those nights like we used to when…when Mikey was still here.” You nodded your head not having enough energy to produce words.

Richie patted your knee rising to his full height as he headed to check on Sug and his idiot of a fucking cousin. “Oh hey, I’ll have Eva tonight, you don’t mind do you? She’s constantly on my ass about seeing her auntie Bebe.” Richie stood in the now open doorway awaiting your answer.

Your immediate response was yes, but you had to consider Tiff, unsure if she wanted her daughter around you considering your newly acquired title as recovering addict.

“I’d like that a lot, but I-I think you should get Tiff’s permission to bring Eva around me.” You knew your suggestion might upset Richie but it was for the best, and you would call Tiff yourself just to double-check.

“Hey no none of that shit, she’s my fucking kid too Baby.” The defensive tone in his voice immediately caused you to close your eyes, hands moving to massage your temples.

“Richie please, I just need you to do this for me okay? This isn’t about your parenting skills, Rich.” Richie watched you for a minute, the exhaustion noticeable.

He nodded sending you one last somber look before making his exit keen on chewing his little fucking asshole cousin a new one.

Richie could feel his anger rising in him as he walked past Marcus and Fak as they worked to remove appliances from the kitchen. He quickly sauntered toward the whispers of Sugar and Carmy becoming clearer as he finally made it to the front of the restaurant.

The first thing his eyes took notice of was the destroyed cash register lying in the middle of the floor, debris from the relic scattered across the room. Richie stood there taking in the scene, the two Berzatto siblings' conversation coming to a halt as Richie blew out a whistle, walking around the mess slowly clapping.

“You’re a real fucking piece of work Cousin,” Richie’s hand shot out to point in Carmy’s direction the younger man looking disheveled, the frown on his face almost comical.

Natalie felt her shoulders tense; she had known these two long enough to know nothing good would come out of this interaction. The fact that you were in the middle of all this would make whatever happened right now all the worse.

There were two things in the world Richie didn’t play about, little Eva; and you.

“Richie I don’t need your fucking bullshit right now.” Carmy moved to walk around the counter, hands fumbling in his pocket to get his cigarettes out, his focus on the door he was trying to escape through.

“You’re a piece of shit cousin.” Richie’s hands shot out to grip the collar of Carmy’s crew neck, shoving him into the counter.

Natalie’s shocked gasp of Richie’s name did nothing to tear the men away from each other.

“Get the fuck outta my face, Richie.” The shorter man shoved the man standing in front of him.

A rueful smile raised to Richie’s lips “That girl has bent over backward for your conceited ass time and time again, and you go and ruin the only good fucking thing you have going for yourself.” Richie’s hand raised thumb and middle finger moving to flick Carmy between the brows.

“You’re the last person that gets to talk to me about fucking ruining good things in my life.” Carmy’s free hand moved to swat at Richie’s.

“That empty fucking head of yours is so far up your ass you can’t see what the fucks been in front of you this whole time.

“Yo fuck you, Richie!”

The two loud voices echoed throughout the restaurant as the angry men tried to outyell each other.

“No you fucking listen to me! You don’t know what the fuck that girls been through. Where the fuck were you when shit went down Carmen! Huh!” Richie shoved Carmy again, the anger he felt for you pouring through him.

“Why the fuck weren’t you there for her whe-.”

“Richie!” Natalie’s stern voice caused Richie to harness some of his anger. “No.” The subtle shake of her head stopped his sentence mid-thought.

“You’re worse than the shit on the bottom of my shoe, and you don’t deserve to touch one pretty little hair on that girl’s head. And if I ever have to listen to her cry over you, watch her hurt over you again, you’re gonna wish Mikey was still here to save your ass.” Richie’s hand shot out to slap against the side of Carmen’s head, “Fucking bum.”

He removed himself from Carmy’s space, hands immediately raising as he faced Nat’s exhausted stare. “Sug I’m sorry, but get Baby home will you? I gotta finish up shit round here.”

Richie left the two Berzatto siblings to stand in the now quiet front of the restaurant, the sooner he finished his shit here, the sooner he and Eva could spend the evening with you.

Natalie looked at her younger brother scared of how this sequence of events would affect him. She took a step forward hand reaching out to Carmy before dropping it, “Hey, you okay?” The two siblings stood in silence, one worried about the well-being of her remaining brother.

And the other was trying to collect his racing thoughts, too many zooming through for him to even land on one.

“Where are we with the permits?” To Carmy’s ears, it sounded like he was underwater, his voice muffled, barely loud enough to be heard.

“Carm-.” Nat’s words were cut off with no chance of consoling him.

“Just get her home Nat and get back to me on those permits please.” Natalie watched as Carmy collected his phone and jacket, an unfocused wave of his hand sent in her direction before making his way through the exit, disappearing to who knows where.

Natalie watched as the front door latched shut, she couldn’t help but feel guilty for pushing you into this environment. If she had just let you re-acclimate yourself on your own time, maybe this situation could’ve been avoided.

Her hand fell to her stomach, eyes following suit, “Welcome to the family little one.”

The sound of your doorbell constantly ringing tore your stare away from the bottle sitting on your coffee table. You sat still for a minute before remembering the plans you made with Richie earlier in the day, your eyes shooting to the bottle before you quickly moved to hide it behind one of the couch pillows.

Since Natalie dropped you off earlier you had gone back and forth with the idea of finally coming clean to Richie. Your decision was led by your emotions from earlier in the day, but after finding the bottle of champagne you received in The Tribune’s welcome basket shoved in the back of your pantry, you were sorely rethinking your decision.

You adjusted the pillow to disguise any misshapen lumps before hurrying to the door to greet your guest. Hoping the forced smile was enough you opened the door feeling the once-fake smile begin to settle into a genuine one as you took in the father-daughter duo on your porch.

“Auntie Bebe!” You laughed, a lump forming in your throat at how big the young girl seemed to have gotten.

“Little E is that you?” Eva giggled at the exaggerated gasp you let out before throwing herself against your legs squeezing you tight.

She unlatched herself from you before gripping your hand and moving into the house, “Daddy bought us pizza!”

“Hey, Eva take your shoes off.” Richie gave you a small smile as he scolded the little girl, her huff of annoyance not going unnoticed by the two of you.

Richie finally walked through the door shutting and locking it behind him staring at you as he waited for instructions, “Hey E go ahead to the living room and pick out something to watch okay? I’m gonna help your dad real quick.”

You were rewarded with her adorable smile as she ran in the direction you pointed her to. You turned back to Richie taking the two pizza boxes from his hand to allow him to remove his shoes and jacket.

The two of you made your way to the kitchen setting the boxes down on your island with a clear view of Eva scrolling through your tv. You maneuvered around the kitchen for plates before brandishing them to Richie, eyes caught on Eva’s small figure in your living room.

“She’s gotten so big,” the tears you thought had run out earlier were once again making their appearance.

Richie’s head turned to you, “Aww Baby look at you ready to cry and shit, you just saw her a year ago.”

You listened to Richie’s intoxicating laugh, trying your best to find the humor in his words. The notion was hard though when the last memory you could’ve had of the sweet little girl waiting for the two of you in the living room was holding her at a funeral that could have just as easily been yours.

“You coming Baby?” Richie’s raised brows were aimed at you, he had already made his way to the living room setting the smaller plate in front of Eva.

You cleared your throat nodding your head with a forced smile on your lips. It was settled, Richie had every right to know that there could have been a universe where he had to survive without Mikey and you.

Eva was cuddled into your side as your fingers stoked through her blonde locks, her smaller hand playing with the rings on your free hand. The two of you sat staring at the paused episode of ‘The Dragon Prince’ waiting for Richie to return from the bathroom.

Sitting with Eva in your living room made your heart heavy with what could’ve been. A small sad smile traced your lips as you leaned forward to plant a soft kiss on the crown of her head.

Eva’s head turned to yours, her tongue poking out at you as you returned the gesture, the two of you going back and forth making silly faces at each other before she released a small yawn. You watched as her small hand rose to gently run her little fingers across the scars on your face.

“Auntie Bebe?” You made a small noise to let her know you were listening. “Are you going to die?”

Your brows pinched together, Eva’s hand prodded at the scar between your eyebrows that was now more prominent, “Hey hey, where is this coming from?”

Her hand lowered to her lap as she turned her attention back to your ring-clad hand. “Mommy said you were sick…like Uncle Mikey…and that you tried to be with him.”

The ache in your chest was instant, you knew Tiff had tried to explain why you hadn’t visited but you didn’t know Eva had such an understanding of everything.

She raised your hand so it was in front of the two of you, little fingers dancing across yours, “And Uncle Mikey left us 'cause he was sick and I don’t want you to leave to Bebe.”

“Little E, look at me,” you waited as she adjusted next to you small body, cuddling into you more as her face turned to you. “I was sick…just like Uncle Mikey, but I’m doing a lot better now. And I got hurt, that’s why I have these scars on my face but a lot of good people helped me, like Auntie Nat, and even your mom.”

You stopped allowing the child to digest your words, you were trying to explain things in the simplest terms, and the small girl next to you didn’t need to know any of the details. “As much as I miss Uncle Mikey I could never leave behind my Little E.”

Eva shrieked as you moved forward to tickle her doing your best to make a very tough conversation end on a light note for the sweet little girl who brought joy to your world.

“How about some ice cream, yeah?” You watched as the small girl nodded up and down excitedly, her arms coming up to wrap around your neck as she planted a small kiss on your cheek.

“I missed you, Auntie Bebe.”

Your hand reached out to ruffle the girl's hair, “I missed you too Little E.” She removed herself from around you laying across the empty couch cushions.

You let out a little laugh before grabbing the empty plates and moving to the kitchen to get Eva her ice cream. You jumped at the sight of Richie leaning against the island in your kitchen arms crossed against his chest.

“Why are you standing in my kitchen like a fucking weirdo Richie,” you laughed moving to place the plates in the sink before grabbing a bowl for the ice cream. “Eva’s okay to have ice cream right, I know it's a little late bu-”

“What the hell was Eva talking about Baby,” you looked over your shoulder Richie’s stern eyes focused on you eyes piercing through you as opposed to at you.

You sat the bowl and ice cream on the island before searching for your ice cream scooper, the silence droning on as you began scooping out ice cream for Eva.

“I fucked up Richie,” you finally looked up to Richie eyes wet with tears as you watched him tightly shut his eyes and begin shaking his head back and forth. Not prepared for what he was about to hear.

You quickly finished with ice cream, returning everything to its location and dropping the scoop in the sink before grabbing a spoon. You made your way to Eva sending her a small smile as you handed the bowl to her, “I need to talk to your daddy okay? Go ahead and finish watching without us mamas.” Your words went in one ear and out the other, her attention fully on the treat in her hands. You gave her one last smile before braving yourself for what the kitchen had in store for you.

“I uh…I was in a bad place after Chicago we had just buried Mikey and then…the hospital happened,” you stopped taking a deep breath to get through this conversation. “I should’ve come home Richie I-.” You couldn’t get the words out your throat felt like it was constricting. It felt as though if you tried confessing you would choke on the words before you could even come clean to Richie.

Richie sat next to you at your small circular dining table chair turned towards you, eyes flicking to Eva’s figure every few seconds to make sure she was okay. Richie wasn’t even sure he wanted you to continue, but a huge part of him needed to know what you went through, he thought he had already seen you at your lowest point but the gravity of your words assured him that was nothing compared to the confession you were about to lay at his feet.

“I overdosed Rich.” Richie froze having thought he hadn’t heard you correctly for a second but as he watched the despair take over your face, he knew he heard you right.

His hand came up to wipe across his mouth, the reality of your words barely setting in. “Baby no, no, no, no.” The laugh that accompanied his words morphed into a silent sob as he tucked his head into his hands.

You swallowed your cry fighting to escape as you turned to make sure Eva was still okay, a reprieve from the hard conversation you were having.

You moved from your chair standing in front of Richie so you could console him, his arms wrapped around your waist as his head settled against your stomach, the shaking of his body proof to you that cries were still wracking his body.

The silent sobs turned into quiet cries, his hands gripping the extra fabric of your shirt at the waist. Your tears could no longer be held back bending at the waist you rested your forehead against the back of Richie’s head.

While Richie was crying over the sister he almost lost; you cried over the lives you ruined.

“Auntie Bebe I finished my ice cream!” You took in a deep breath against Richie’s head moving your own from its previous position.

You moved to step out of Richie’s grip, his hands tightening around your shirt tears seeping through to dampen your skin. “I gotta help E, I promise I’ll be back Richie.”

The breath you took in choked you as you had to pry Richie’s clenched fingers out of the fabric of your shirt. You quickly wiped your cheeks before making your way over to Eva grabbing the bowl from her hands and sending her a forced smile.

“Can I spend the night Bebe?” The hope in her eyes made your chest heave.

“How about I call your mom tomorrow and we arrange something for another time, is that okay with you?” Your hands brushed across her forehead, clearing the hair from her face.

She pouted, sinking into the couch cushion, “E, hey you can come visit me whenever, but tonight just isn’t a good night for a sleepover.”

You watched as her eyes began to water, “But what if you try to leave again?” You hadn’t realized how intuitive children could be at times, you bent down to make yourself eye level with Eva.

“Listen, mamas, I’m just a phone call away okay? Anytime you’re scared I might be gone just ask your mom or dad to call me and I’ll answer every time, I promise.” Everyone knew making promises to children was a slippery slope, but you intended on keeping this promise with every ounce of your being, it was time for you to start taking some responsibility.

Eva nodded her head throwing her little arms around your neck and gracing you with a hug you weren’t aware you needed. You gave a small kiss to her temple before pulling away and setting the empty bowl on your coffee table.

“How about you lay down okay? Your dad and I might be awhile,” She nodded, moving and leaning against the pillow, her sudden weight revealing the champagne bottle you had hidden behind it, you quickly covered her with the throw blanket on your couch before picking up the bowl and bottle and making your way back to the kitchen.

You gently placed the bowl in the sink before making your way over to Richie whose head was still in his hands. His eyes found yours as he heard you take your seat, before skating across the unopened bottle you had set between the two of you.

“I’ve been sober for five months now,” watching Richie’s bloodshot eyes slowly blink at you as he drank your every word in felt like a knife being continuously shoved through your chest. “No drugs, no alcohol.” Your voice trailed off, this was the first time you had admitted your shortcomings by choice.

“Ho-How’d it happen?” Your eyes focused on Richie’s Adam’s apple as it bobbed up and down, his face pinching together like asking that simple question was equivalent to swallowing glass.

“I uh don’t know the full story, just what the doctors told Nat and me,” you could see the hurt on his face that Nat was already privy to the information. “I didn’t tell her by choice, uh after my mom died my family kind of distanced themselves from me and so N-Nat became my power of attorney.”

He nodded his head, unfocused eyes floating around your kitchen, “Can you tell me?”

A tired sigh left you “Rich I don’t thi-,”

“I need to know Baby, please.” His hand shot out to grip yours, desperation you had never before seen seeping from his eyes.

You cleared your throat taking in a deep breath, “When I left Chicago, I just felt so…alone. It was like everywhere I looked there was either a reminder of Mikey or a reminder of…of what we lost.” Richie’s free hand returned to swipe across his mouth, eyes everywhere but you.

“The pills were prescription I…I can’t remember when I started taking them or when the dependency started but I-I know the alcohol started first. I deluded myself into thinking that I could do what Mikey couldn't…that I could numb the pain and function at the same time.

“It was like that for a while and then it just gradually got worse until I ended up hospitalized with no recollection of how I even got there and…and Natalie just crying and staring at me and the thing is I had heard those cries from her once before.” The same cries you listened to as she revealed Mikey’s fate to you.

“Um, the story is that I had been mixing drugs and alcohol which yeah I was. But that day I guess it finally went too far, for some reason I was trying to get to my patio and I guess I couldn’t figure out the door, I just…repeatedly threw myself into the glass until it shattered.” Your free hand moved unconsciously to pick at the scar lining the right side of your jaw, Richie’s hand quickly snatching it away urging you to continue your story.

“Wasn’t done yet though was I,” you looked at Richie expecting a chuckle out of him but the stoic look in his eyes told you he wasn’t in the mood for half-baked jokes. “I took two more pills and stumbled bloody through my apartment before making it out of my door and collapsing in a pool of my blood and vomit. A neighbor found me and called the ambulance.” You were glad you had no recollections of what would’ve been your final moments.

The silence in the kitchen was heavy, the words you had shared between the two of you more than anything Richie could have ever prepared himself for.

“Baby why…why didn’t you call me?” Richie’s hand covered his mouth in a fist as another cry escaped his lips wide teary eyes finally focused on yours.

“I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.” Richie could feel his heart breaking as he listened to the crack in your voice as you spoke, you had been so scared to disappoint him that you had hidden a part of yourself for him for so long.

“How long have you been in Chicago? You avoided Richie’s gaze, not brave enough to see the look of hurt and betrayal.

“I spent a month in Wisconsin at a treatment facility, I’ve been in Chicago since December.”

“And Tiff knew about this?”

“Yeah…uh she kind of forced it out of Natalie, I guess Eva kept asking about me.” You watched as Richie’s head slowly nodded as he carefully let your words play in his head.

Richie leaned forward in his chair, elbows coming to rest on his knees as his clasped hands rested against his mouth.

“I’m not disappointed in you Baby,” Richie’s eyes rose to yours. “But I’m real fuckin hurt and the shit you just laid on me was a lot to take in but I…I want to understand and I want to be here for you.”

The tears that had subsided were now back pouring down your face in droves, “I’m so sorry Richie, I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. But I promise you I’m trying to be better, I will be better. I don’t think I'll get another shot at this after this one.”

Richie stood from his chair pulling you up with him, immediately tugging you into his chest hugging you tightly under the ambient kitchen lighting. He knew his hugs would never match up to Mikey’s, that his role in your life would never compare to Mikey's. But he loved you so much and learning that you had fallen victim to the same poison as Mikey made him feel like an utter failure.

Richie tilted his head down planting a kiss on the crown of your head, the saltiness of his tears passing over his lips.

What purpose did he have if he couldn’t even keep his last promise to Mikey?

Carmen’s day had come to an end hours ago but he just couldn’t get himself to fall asleep, all the words you had said to him playing over and over again in his head.

He had been so caught up in your argument that he blew his food-hopping plans off with Syd, and couldn’t even get himself to return any of the many missed phone calls he received from the number he knew to be Claire’s

Not that he even wanted to but he felt the girl deserved a proper explanation.

After leaving the restaurant and wandering the Chicago streets he found himself back where his life seemed to begin and end. Pouring what was left of him into helping the rest of the crew start the gut on the restaurant. He wasn’t proud that he let his emotions regarding your situation get the best of him, leading to an unnecessary and petty argument with Sydney. But he knew the two of them would work their issues out.

He couldn’t be sure that the same could be said for the two of you though.

The journal he had started a year ago sat open in his lap, the Polaroid he used to keep his place gently rested on his bedside table, the small lamp illuminated the two of you staring at each other eyes full of love as you wore matching smiles.

A teardrop landed on the ink-stained pages of his journal. The words he wanted to say to you easily poured out of him when he sat down to write to you. The journal began as a way for him to express what he felt for you, but as the months went on and the writing became a part of his routine they turned into letters to you he’d never have the guts to send.

His hand came up to swipe across his face before reaching for the pristine Polaroid and neatly tucking it between the designated pages. The journal was then safely placed in his bedside drawer. He knew he needed to give you space, he just wasn’t sure if there had ever been a future written in the stars for the two of you.

Picking up his phone he opened it to your newly saved contact, the need to hear your voice spilling more tears from his eyes. Your voice rang through his head as he thought about your words from earlier, Carmy couldn’t lie, he knew you loved him and had known for a while but hearing you say it aloud had finally awoken that part in him that would allow himself the pleasure of loving you back.

He couldn’t do it, couldn’t get himself to call you. A sob ripped through him as he locked his phone and set it down, the hope he had earlier to work things out with you was now gone, and he had no one left to blame but himself.

Carmy laid back in bed, eyes blankly staring at the ceiling, one arm bent at a right angle to support his head. He had really and truly ruined whatever relationship was left between you two.

Carmy’s hand dipped into the collar of his tank top, gripping the small pendant he found dangling from his chain after returning home from his shift the night you made your departure from his New York apartment.

His fingers had gotten used to tracing over the initial of your first name that he proudly wore around his neck. The closest thing he even had to you now.

Carmy’s eyes watered as he raised the initial pendant to his lips, a lingering kiss pressed into it, and a whispered “I love you,” filtered through the quiet of his room.

tag list: @saturnheart @r0s3mm @wheredidmycrowngo @hawkins-2000 @elliesbabygirl @allbark-no-bite @anakinswh0re3005 @thecraziestcrayon @fruitcupsworld @nishinoyahhh @lilylovelyxo @ridingthehotmessexpress @noas-ark @jadeittic @hellokittyever @luvr-bunnyy @sxgees @kravitzwhore @chanluuvr @readingwiththereids @chims-kookies @ladygrey03 @ferida-kahlo @wanderlustnightwanderer @how2besalty @armydrcamers @jointherebellion215 @blkbxrbie-esther @ajordan2020 @head-slut-in-charge @magnet-girl @thebookwormlife @sevikasblackgf @writers-hes @senassn @bunnysthngs @gabbycoady13 @randomhoex @mattmurdocksstarlight @shinebright2000 @royalestrellas @jam1esl0v4 @globetrotter28 @dankfarrick29 @flowersgirl02 @beingalive1 @fairytale07 @smoooore @ghost-timelord @xxxstormyninixxx

so i’ve reached the limit of people i can mention in a single post, i apologize if you asked to be tagged and were left off it was not intentional. i’m gonna figure something out to try and fix this…sorry : (

[hellyeahomeland]

“In Full Flight” | Directed by Dan Attias, Cinematography by Giorgio Scali

Sara: I love this opening shot of Mike, Alan, and Jenna in Kabul station. In my head I’m calling them the Three Stooges--which is accurate!--but when they turn on Saul in a pack like that I get The Plastics vibes.

Gail: The way they’ve lined up--Mike, Alan, and Jenna--by pecking order in the initial shot of this scene is interesting. We (the audience) should be on their side, shouldn’t we? They aren’t the enemy and are just trying to track down a compromised, rogue agent that may have knowledge about the assassination of the President, right? But we aren’t on their side, we know too much. As the camera pans around them, we see them from Saul’s perspective, lined up against him and standing in between him and the “front of the room” position he once (and very recently) held.

Sara: Locating Carrie after that doozy of a closing scene from the previous episode is always an interesting task. I’m struck especially by how bewildered, almost lost, she seems. I also have to note that this scene is basically identical to the one in “The Star” where she’s driving Brody to the safe house, and I wonder if she was getting déjà vu.

Gail: We have a window into Carrie’s mindset to start the episode as the ramifications of what just happened with Saul sink in. Sara’s comparison to Brody in “The Star” is spot on.

Gail: “You were drivin' / The getaway car / We were flyin' / But we'd never get far”

Sara: IJLTP and I loved this device in the episode. What a setup.

Sara: This image doesn’t really capture how fucking good this scene between Carrie and Yevgeny is. We know the framing of it, with the big bed in the background that they both keep glancing back at every twenty seconds, was entirely intentional. Which is just… *chef’s kiss*

Beyond that, I love the way Claire plays it. Quiet, whispering, this mix of desperation and built-up expectations (for what the flight recorder will reveal, not to mention whatever dance she and Yevgeny are doing). It’s really spectacular. She’s giving me Carrie in “Andante” vibes right before she decided to, well, you know…

Gail: I agree with everything you said, Sara. This scene is phenomenally done. A moment that struck me is when Yevgeny asks Carrie who she thinks shot down the helicopters. Her initial reluctance to answer him paired with his intense look at her begin their dance. As she is answering him and says that maybe no one did, his head tilts ever so slightly and I think the look on his face betrays a professional admiration for her. Her theory is probably one that he either shares or knows to be true. As the scene builds, so does their chemistry. It’s palpable.

Sara: First Saul, and now it’s Tasneem versus a band of three. I love this shot and the reveal that it was men under the burqas.

Gail: I didn’t notice that when I watched it! What a great catch, Sara! It struck me how similar Balach and Wellington are now that they have both found themselves serving new masters with vastly different ideas of what the path forward should be.

Gail: I love how she doesn’t break eye contact with Balach while the hood is being placed on her. Tasneem doesn’t blink first and I love her as much as I loathe her.

Sara: This “are you fucking kidding me?!” look is amazing. Nimrat Kauer has been so amazing this season. And though it seems unlikely I’ll get my longed-for Carrie/Tasneem faceoff, I love how they’ve added depth and layers to her character this season in ways I didn’t expect.

Sara: This might be one of my favorite ever visuals from this show. It’s a series of contrasts. You have the height difference, obviously. But they continue to dress Yevgeny in dark colors and Carrie in more neutral tones, even as they tie them together through their jacket details.

Gail: Carrie is high strung and relies heavily on her instincts which also contrasts with Yevgeny’s casual demeanor and his meticulous planning. Here, Yevgeny looks almost amused while Carrie looks laser focused and uneasy.

Gail: Yevgeny will lean on anything, even a ceiling.

Sara: I love this moment. The shop owner starts speaking to Yevgeny, who’s literally grasping the ceiling he’s so tall. Yevgeny smartly nods his head in Carrie’s direction: she’s in charge, not me. (“I just like how he’s always leaning. gainst stuff. He leans great.”)

Sara: Saul against another band of three (I mean, technically, Linus still looks like he wants to get swallowed by an alligator.) I’ve been picking up on body language a lot this season, and I couldn’t help but notice Zabel’s. Legs crossed, totally nonplussed. Meanwhile Saul is bent over, looking dejectedly at the ground.

Gail: The body language in the scene says way more about the power dynamics at play than anything that is said out loud. As Sara points out, Linus would rather be anywhere but there, his body language is very closed off, betraying his anxiousness and unease at the situation. Saul’s body is slumping forward and his head down. Zabel and Hayes are a mix of contradictions: they are both open (facing each other) in their arms but closed off below the waist by their legs that are facing Saul.

Sara: Yes! And then a few moments later, Hayes actually mirrors Zabel, crosses his legs and leans back in the exact same way. It’s very spooky.

Gail: Hayes has no original thoughts of his own. The fact that he is mimicking Zabel says a lot about who he is.

Gail: Saul plants seeds of doubt into Hayes by pointing out the reality of the situation and Sam Trammell plays with that knowledge so well in this scene as Hayes looks to Zabel for reassurance.

Sara: God, Sam Trammell’s facial expressions this season have been all-time. I never knew there were so many flavors of “oh shit what have I done?”

Sara: Julie and Ashley both picked up on this misspelling of Max’s last name. It’s PiOtrowski, not PiEtrowski. Another Homeland gaffe or …?

Gail: Weird... I never noticed that. But I did think her attempt to cover it up at the counter when Yevgeny walked in was futile. It most certainly did not escape his attention.

Gail: When I watched this scene I totally picked up on something between them. But looking back, maybe I’m getting it wrong that it’s Jalal feeling sexual chemistry with Tasneem. Maybe he’s just really feeling himself and feeling intoxicated by the power he’s wielding. Jalal definitely has a new swagger about him. Also? Ugh, Tasneem.

Sara: A truly stunning shot. I have nothing else to offer, except that I get no intentional sexual tension or chemistry between them. I think your suggestion that he’s high on power is right on.

Sara: Jalal walking up to the edge of the roof and this shot from below, lit by moonlight, reminded me a lot of the way they filmed Haqqani (and Saul) walking up to the edge of the cliff in “False Friends.” What an eerie father/son parallel.

Gail: I think it must be an intentional parallel too. Haqqani and Saul became equals and partners in peace in their scene in “False Friends.” Here, Jalal has no equal with him, no partner. Tasneem is standing far behind him, where he wants her and where she can watch the world begin to burn from her actions earlier this season.

Gail: Carrie’s body language here feels important. As Carrie points out, she isn’t turning her back on her colleagues. Her back is turned to Yevgeny as she waits to talk to Jenna, providing her a mental barrier between the two sides she is trying to play for the greater good.

Sara: If you need any indication that Carrie is not a traitor and hasn’t been turned, it’s the way she sits, silently stewing, after selling out her colleagues. Forget that they ignored her, left Max to die, and generally are annoying. It’s the principle of it.

Sara: That said, this expression--coupled with the perfectly-delivered line, “You did the right thing, Jenna”--is the Carrie Mathison version of ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ .

Gail: Yevgeny has a million different smirks. This one reads as more professional admiration toward Carrie.

Gail: Poor Jenna. I used to think she was a Russian agent. Now I realize that she is actually Carrie’s. Looking back, Carrie has been grooming her all along.

Sara: [theme music from Curb Your Enthusiasm plays loudly in the background]

Sara: IJLTP.

Gail: Wholeheartedly agree.

Sara: I still am not buying that Carrie knows how to operate a computer.

Gail: What do you think is in the “Personal” folder???

Sara: Oh my God, Gail, I wondered the same thing. Um... pictures of Franny and coded messages revealing the locations of her spy grab bags in every major city she’s ever visited.

Gail: The intimacy...

Sara: IJLTP.

Sara: What I really love about this scene is that Carrie and Yevgeny both remain exactly who they are, even while giving in to the game. Carrie is her trademark intense, direct, and forward self. Meanwhile Yevgeny leans back on the table, head cocked, a slight smirk in his expression. I really can’t overstate how impeccable the acting was in this scene. Claire Danes and Costa Ronin have to play all angles convincingly and they don’t falter once.

Gail: Absolutely. Yevgeny leaning back, smirking down at Carrie, gauging her interest. She leans in and gets closer to him and cocks her head, holding his gaze, as he considers what she is saying... It is all so well done.

Sara: I don’t know what to call these. Micro-cues? Anyway, the second Carrie says “Islamabad first,” the tone shifts. She leans in to kiss him three more times, and he pulls away--just ever so slightly--each time. It’s remarkable. There are very few scenes in the history of the show that have been this on-the-surface awesome while also containing so many layers. This is multifaceted awesome.

Sara: What an incredible shot that so sharply and succinctly visually summarizes Saul’s current position. I wasn’t on board with what they were doing with Saul initially this season, but I’ve really come around. They’ve systematically dismantled Saul’s career--and therefore his life, because his career is his life. I predicted that Saul might die at the end of the series. This doesn’t seem super likely at the moment, but the death of his career is on the whole a more devastating development.

Gail: You are right, Sara. This image is Saul’s current career trajectory in a nutshell. Saul is dying by a thousand cuts professionally and you can see in his posture and stance just how much it is weighing on him.

Gail: Ashley pointed out on the podcast how reminiscent this scene was of the Carrie/Quinn scene in “Why Is This Night Different?” Yevgeny and Carrie strike me as two sides of the same coin so I can see it. Both have personas they hide behind in order to do the work they do. This scene shows an evolution to Yevgeny’s feelings toward Carrie as well as a tenderness in him that Carrie tried unsuccessfully to appeal to. It also gives the audience a small window (and maybe even a little hope?) into the conflicting emotions Yevgeny is feeling for her.

Sara: Yevgeny pulling the ol’ sneak attack on Carrie suggested that he might have been playing her all along. But how then to explain this private moment, when no one but the audience is watching? For a man like Yevgeny Gromov, the truth and reality of his feelings for Carrie is probably daunting, especially when he’s been trained his whole adult life to stifle those types of emotions. I love what this moment reveals. That he’s not some scheming supervillain but really and truly human--that is, a bundle of contradictions. Aren’t we most ourselves when no one is looking?

[islcndxmisfits-a]

below is a list of my currently updated thread tracker since the website hasn’t working lately.... but here’s the link anyway.  the threads are listed in abc order (as best as i could) by partner url !!

now that i have updated my tracker, i am willing to take on more threads (will probably post some starter calls for muses without any threads since they need love too) .... with exception!!!! as well as bust out my currently old memes in my ask box :P

and figure out relationships & verses & bios & which muses to keep / get rid of since my last update and clearing out my followers / following lists !!! pretty much everythiiing!!

i will probably from now on, as replies come in for me, i will most likely reply & add them to queue as i do them so they don’t build up and i can also work on other things in between however some might get posted right away depending on how much muse and how much interest i have towards that specific thread at the moment.

if I’m missing ANYTHING please let me know.

I OWE: already replied and added to queue. if you want to drop or move any of the following threads, feel free to let me know. i will delete it from my tracker & my queue if it hasn’t already been replied to !!

plain text = done, queued, & added to tracker

italics and indented = queued, needs added to tracker after posting

indented = in the drafts, needs icon, queued, & added to tracker.

bold = needs replies, then queued, then added to tracker

@abrokenwitch​

Family Reunion // Sebastian & Lizzie

@actionrewarded​

Romantic Dice // Lizzie & Peter

Playlist // Lauren & Peter

@agentjadelance​

Resident Evil AU // Ray & Kayla

@aheroslegacy​

Early Lunch // Kara & Lena

@akumubaku​

Amnesia // Dabi & Yume

@bracteatum​

A Christmas Witch // Seraphina & Sharon

Almost Uncertain Death // Laurel & Sara

Arranged Marriage // Leonard & Sara

Bloodlust // Leonard & Sara

Dragon and Assassin // Eleanor & Sara

Familiar Faces // Steve & Diana

Gotham's Queens // Sofia & Sara

Sara & Enzo

Saved By The Flash // Leonard & Sara

Second Chances // Ray & Nora

Treasure Hunter // Chase & Jean

Welcome to Hell // Caden & Sara

@cheaburi​

Friend In Need // Charlie & Dean

New Friends // Charlie & Claire

@dalphahale​

Drunk Beck // Beck & Derek

A Helping Hand // Beck & Derek

@dawnblxde​

Escape // Marceline & Noctis

Long Live The Queen // Historia & Noctis

Investigating // Winry & Noctis

@demon-blood-youths

Blood Kink // Himiko & Shdwkyz

@devicus​

Bad Influence // Toni & Amber

Dangerous // Steve & Seb

Hot Tubbin' // Lea & Lana

I'm a Delacour // Adaline & Camille

Live To Party // Farah & MIchael

Snap with Sierra // Sierra & Camden

Stepcest // Kara & Gray

@dorthbaum​

Reincarnated Lovers // Dean & Dorothy

@fclsusrex​

New Visitor // Sonia & Yozora

Tomato Fight // Sonia & Yozora

@fxckingnxrd​

Soft Lips // Bakugo & Deku

Comfort // Bakugo & Deku

Nightmare // Bakugo & Deku

@galaxiism

Birthday Boy // Dominic & Jagger

Caden & Rory

Christian & Jagger

Hugh & Jagger

Klaus & Rory

Rory & Elijah 

@hallowcrown​

A ghost and a vampire // Hal & Sally

Who Sent You? // Hal & Sally

@heartonanoose​

Infamous // Tara & Alu

Kill to Survive // Natalia & Alu

Loners // Stefan & Alu

Truth or Dare // Nick & Alu

@inkdreamt​

A New Meta // Barry & Maddie

A Powerful Mutant // John & Victoria

After Cotillion // Ben & Mal

Another Kryptonian // Kara & Maddie

Another Mermaid // Cleo & Evie

Anything She Wants //  Lea & Kara

Corrupted Ben // Ben & Mal

Done Talking // Avery & Kara

Easter Dinner // Evie & Mal

Fake Girlfriend // Michael & Clara

Famous in Love // Josh & Maddie

Fancy Meeting You Here // Wes & Liv

Forgive Me // Erik & Ondina

Holden and Superhero!Liv

House of El // Kara & Clark

Hurt // Gar & Gwen

Hurt & Angry // Mon-El & Kara

Into the Spiderverse // Brainy & Gwen

Livewire's Apprentice // Livewire & Liv

Mermaid Reunion // Cleo & Emma

New Earth // Miles & Gwen

New York Minute // Holden & Liv

Old Friends // Sebastian & Lilly

Pain in the Ass // Tandy & Ruby

Peter & Mal

Poisoned Mal // Ben & Mal

Quiet Time // Hades & Mal

Return of Lilly // Lilly & Freya

Revisiting Themiscyra // Diana & Maddie

Romantic Evening // Ben & Mal

Seeing Double // Lilly & Harry

Stefan & Elena

Superhero!Maddie and Josh

Surprise Return // Mason & Alex

Survival // Lorna & Victoria 

Thank God You're Breathing // Mason & Alex

The World of Music // Barry & Kara

True Love // Harvey & Sabrina

Vampire Powers Activated // Hope & Lilly

What Do You Think You're Doing? // Ben & Mal

Winter Spirits // Noelle & Evelyn

@loktonphoto​

Shower // Levi & Prompto

You Can Be Useful // Levi & Prompto

@magicallyimpossible​

Drag // Harley & The Professor

Scoot Over // Clara & The Professor

Sit On My Face // Harley & The Professor

New Playmate // Harley & The Professor

Morning Sex // Harley & The Professor

Crisis Averted // Oliver & Lea

@multidivision

A Whole New World // Staz & Kise

Attractive Meme // Kageyama & Tsukishima

Gilthunder and Gowther

Impatient // Kageyama & Tsukishima

Puppy Love // Gilthunder & Gowther

@multiversalmagic​

Cisco & Hestia

Cisco & Aria

Cisco & Aqua

Cisco & Tara

@musesatyourservice​

Accidental Mistletoe // Hayley & Elijah

Ass on Display // Hayley & Elijah

Ass on Display // Lucien & Cami

Carnival Date // Kol & Davina

Comfort After A Nightmare // Elijah & Hayley

Karamel Angst // Kara & Mon-El

Mating Season // Klaus & Camille

Nude Pictures // Klaus & Camille

Oh Bite Me // Kol & Davina

Pinned // Klaus & Camille

Small Closet // Klaus & Camille

Smell of Blood // Klaus & Camille

Snowstorm // Klaus & Camille

Take Off Your Pants // Christian & Hayley

Trapped in a Closet // Hayley & Dean

@naturesloopholed​

Hizzie // Hope & Lizzie

Hosie // Hope & Josie

@paintedragcn​

Old Faces // Hades & Mal

Seduction // Harry & Mal

@prcttypoiscn​

Bucky & Harley

Drunk & Missing You // Mon-El & Kara

Kai & Katherine

Mommy’s Little Monster // Lucy & Harley

Selina & Harley

WinterQuinn

@predictableisnotbad

Bloodbath // Christian & Alice

Damon Royalty AU // Damon & Alice

Dark Kink // Christian & Alice

Familiar // Christian & Alice

From Playful To Possessive // Damon & Alice

Greece Vacation // Christian & Alice

High School Sweethearts // Christian & Alice

Late Night Phone Call // Christian & Alice

Mating Season // Damon & Alice

Need You Now // Christian & Alice

Negative Soulmates // Christian & Alice

Pray For The Wicked // Christian & Alice

Prince Christian // Christian & Alice

Sex Under the Stars // Christian & Alice

Surprise Me // Christian & Alice

Vampire Lover // Christian & Alice

@redemptivexheroics​

Brotherly Reunion // Kol & Henrik

Distracted // Persephone & Poseidon

Do You Knock? // Rebekah & Henrik

Fated Meeting // Hope & Raven

Forgot To Knock // Freya & Kol

New Students // Jackson & Sebastian

Opposing Sides // Natasha & Jake

Persephone's Garden // Hercules & Persephone

Please Remember // Hope & Kol

Singles Night // Riley & Kyle

The Modern World // Hades & Ares

We're Family // Hope & Henrik

Who The Hell Are You? // Hope & Jackson

Young Gods // Persephone & Blake

@storiescfdreams

A Pirate's Life For Me // Harry & Harriet

Children of Hades // Mal & Hadie

Children of the Sea // Uma & Uriella

Like Mother, Like Daughter // Jasmine & Jasura

Mermaid Teachings // Ariel & Aria

Riddle Me This // Chesney & Alice

Sisters At Heart // Ruby & Ginny

Stretch Your Wings // Maeve & Fleur

The Aftermath // Audrey & Preston

The List // Erica & Malia

The Sheriff and Archer // Roland & Skye

Underworld's Royalty // Hades & Persephone 

Voodoo Queen // Freddie & Mal

@strawberrycolaaa​

Childhood Crush // Gou & Sosuke

Future Fish // Rin & Sosuke

@sxcrificx​

Heaven and Hell // Maxxie & Cas

How Badly Do You Want Me // Maxxie & Cas

Oral Sex // Dean & Cas

Pin My Muse // Dean & Cas

The End // Dean & Cas

@tellmeitsadream​

High School Sweethearts // Hugh & Addie

@thecharmingknightemma​

Not Alone // Iris & Emma

A Princess and a Pirate // Killian & Emma

Super Friends // Kara & Emma

@thewxnderer​

Lucy Quinzel, Nice To Meet Ya // Rick & Lucy

@tofeelthecold​

Enzo and Bex

Brothers Salvatore // Stefan & Damonm

@violetxsilverxstark​

Ain't No Crying in the Club // Harley & Kelsey

Breaking and Entering // Harley & Kelsey

Hold Still // Kelsey & Asya

@wicxedxcharming​

Heartbroken // Luciana & Dahlia

Stargazing // Benny & Ben

@youngkopa​

Almost Killed Me // Lizzie & Oliver

It's Safe Here // Josie & Oliver

Lost Stray // Harley & Oliver

Make Me Feel // Lizzie & Oliver

New Roommate // Oliver & Harley

Oliver and Chloe

You're Staring // Josie & Oliver

YOU OWE: let me know if you want to drop any of the following !! i am also willing to move some to discord to make things easier. these threads will automatically be dropped if i don’t get a reply within a month except for those with a ** who have been on hiatus.

@actionrewarded​

School Work // Penelope & Peter ( x )

Upside Down // Josie & Peter ( x )

Tour Guide // Lizzie & Peter ( x )

@amnesiic

Alice & The Mad Hatter // Alice & Jervis ( x )

@bracteatum

Kennedy Cochran, P.I. // Kennedy & Sara ( x )

@daddyxreyes​

Master & Servant // Lucy & Kyon ( x ) ** will be archived temporarily due to hiatus.

@heartonanoose​

Cheryl and Alu ( x )

Don't Let Them See // Hazel & Alu ( x )

Oldest Friends // Jayden & Alu ( x )

Slow Dance // Dick & Alu ( x )

Terrifying // Valerie & Alu ( x )

@inkdreamt

Sorry I Ran Into You // Remi & Maddie ( x )

Travel Back in Time // Kara & Annabelle ( x )

Birthday Girl // Vera & Luciana ( x )

Practice Makes Perfect // Snow & Hope ( x )

Thief In The Night // Mal & Roland ( x )

Found Dog // Neal & Snow ( x )

@lonelybxstards

Aren’t You Afraid // Diana & Chaos? ( x )

Chaotic Good // Harley & Chaos? ( x )

Hot When Angry // Harley & Chaos? ( x )

@galaxiism

Too Much To Drink // Lux & Chase ( x )

@loserbled​ / @hcrlequins​

Mommy's Little Monster // Harley & Lucy ( x )

@mudbirthed

Handosie Threesome // Hope, Landon, & Josie ( x )

Landon & Ava ( x )

Landon & Jo ( x )

@multidivision​

Stolen Sweatshirt // Tsukki & Kageyama ( x )

Can’t Wait // Dean & Tsukki ( x )

Personal Chef // Tsukki & Shinomiya ( x )

Attention // Tobio & Tsukki ( x )

Summer Vacation // Gou & Momo ( x )

@musesatyourservice​​

Christmas Celebrations // Nick & Sabrina ( x )

Broken, Beaten, & Bruised // Steve & Nancy ( x )

One Scratch, Two Scratch // Nick, Nate, & Sabrina ( x )

Nick, Harvey, & Sabrina ( x )

Sweet, But Psycho ( x )

@ofeniigma

Sibling Bonding // Mia & William ( x )

I Own You // E2!Laurel & Felicity ( x )

Taking Care of Laurel // Laurel & Felicity ( x )

Apocalypse Now // Emily & Felicity ( x )

@paintedragcn​

Cold Weather - Penguin // Uma & Mal ( x )

Cold Weather - Santa Hat // Ben & Mal ( x )

Fake Girlfriends // Evie & Mal ( x )

New Villain at Auradon // Harry & Mal ( x )

Listen... // Ben & Mal ( x )

Happy Anniversary // Ben & Mal ( x )

@prcttypoiscn​

Alone // Toni & Cheryl ( x )

Harley & Wade // sms ( x )

Roommates // Ivy &  Cooper ( x )

@predictableisnotbad​

I’m Gonna Show You Crazy // Kai & Alice ( x )

Bad Things // Damon & Alice ( x )

Dance, Dance // Christian, Damon, & Alice ( x )

Newly Turned Vampire // Cristian, Damon, & Alice ( x )

Teacher’s Pet // Christian & Alice ( x )

Dark Kink // Christian & Alice ( x )

High School Sweethearts // Christian & Alice ( x )

Fifty Shades of Grey AU // Christian & Alice ( x )

@redemptivexheroics​

Christmas Party // Aurora & Henrik ( x )

Into the Unknown // Regan & Wyatt ( x )

Anti-Christmas // Kai & Henrik ( x )

Masquerade // Lucien & Ellis ( x )

@sheroaredlouder

Earth & Fire // Tara & Ember ( x )

@strawberrycolaaa​

Old Friends // Nagisa & Rin ( x )

@wicxedxcharming​

Shielded From The Rain // Ruby & Dorian ( x )

DROPPING:

Should've Been You (fcxsinned)

Protect Ban (fcxsinned)

Not Morning (fcxsinned)

Why Him? (fcxsinned)

Butterfingers (licnspride)

Drunken!Sins (licnspride)

Massages (licnspride)

Remarkable (licnspride)

Fairy Children (windscint)

Spanking (windscint)

Extra Special Service (pollutedxdesires)

I'm Fine (fragmntedx)

Home For the Holidays (monsterineveryone)

Gotham City Siren (sarcasmpersonified181)

I’m Your Mother (killersmoakism)

Snow Fairy (killersmoakism)

Brothers (memorystxrs)

Are You Cold? (pinafcl)

On Your Knees (multidivision)

The Hunter & His Wolf (multidivision)

Cook Off (multidivision)

Not Drunk Enough (multidivision)

Pinned (multidivision)

The Boar Hat (multidivision)

Oikawa & Shoyo sms thread (multidivision)

POSSIBLY MOVING TO DISCORD:

all threads with @chooseyourmuse​ & @ocylum​

Elizabeth & Howzer ( x )

Workout Routine // Izuku & Bakugo ( x )

Freaking Me Out // Meliodas & Elizabeth ( x )

New Friends // Gou & Kamina ( x )

Take Me With You // Xi & Colin ( x )

Is That Blood? // Cassandra & Matthew ( x )

Guzma & Alice ( x )

Blushing // Ochaco & Bakugo ( x )

Romantic Dice // Ban & Jericho ( x )

some threads with @multidivision already moved over; not linking bc too much work and they’re already linked in discord.

[goldenhour-goldenboy]

@detectivegordons So I saw you were looking for new youtube channels to check out and boy, do I have some gems for you. I started writing this as a normal ask but it quickly got waaay too long so we’re doing a classic text post + add where I can comfortably link the channels and also the rest of my peeps can check them out if they’re interested. So. Let’s divide and conquer:

Cooking

Bon Appétit (Test Kitchen) - One kitchen. Various series with their own themes and style by a specific cook. We have Claire who does ‘Pastry Chef attempts to do x/y/z’ of snacks and treats (e.g. ‘Pastry Chef attempts to make Gourmet Twizzlers’, ‘Pastry Chef attempts to make Ferrero Rocher’) and it’s a delight to watch her struggle through the process of replicating it as closely as possible. There’s also Brad doing ‘It’s alive’ featuring everything involving Fermentation, basically. The editing on this one is the best. There’s Carla inviting celebrities and doing follow alongs and back to back cooking. Ugh, and so many more, I love them all! 

House Renovations 

Wabi Sab-E - Follow this couple on their journey to renovate and old barn doing everything by themselves - construction, pluming, painting, tiling. It never gets boring due to the faster pace of the video and the really thought out and lovely edit. They’re a cute, genuine couple with two dogs and a cat as far as I can recall and just in general awesome folks.

Madeleine Olivia - Apparently she does lifestyle as well but I only watch her renovating videos. She and her boyfriend (fiance/husband??) bought a very cute cottage and just started remodeling the whole thing. She’s not as knowledgable or skilled as the other channels but watching her talk throughs and bringing bits and pieces together really calms me down.

Three Birds Renovation - Now, this is a professional channel. The three birds are three ladies from Australia renovating whole properties and really glamming up the lots. This isn’t diy it’s full on money and glam but if you want to watch houses getting remodeled and basically almost built from scratch again, this is your channel. They usually take on a house and then upload each room as a separate video. My favorite (as I guess most people’s fav is) is their forever home series where they each do their own houses and really kick it out of the park. Extravaganza. 

Lifestyle

Liziqi - A fairy queen from another realm. Absolute beauty shots of her doing her daily life, ranging from picking wild mushrooms, building a love seat from scratch with bamboo, making her own tools, cooking in a self made stone stove. No dialogue, mainly just music and her occasionally trying to keep the sheep from eating her cabbage. You NEED to watch at least one of her vids, I cannot describe this to you! 

Claire Marshall - Claire makes beautifully edited lifestyle vlogs featuring fashion, travel, reconnecting with her past, her cat, make up, drafting/doodling or just life and her thoughts on it in general. She has a much more calmer vibe which I personally prefer to a louder and up beat video personality and her flow, aesthetic and visual presentation really drew me in.

Grackle - A cute little every day vlogger from England. Nothing fancy, nothing out of the box, just plain good and old vlogging and following her around. She’s an absolute dork, a gentle soul and I find her family very funny and relating, lol.

Damon & Jo - They used to do a lot of travel vlogs and I mainly followed them because of their older videos, now they’re both kinda doing their own thing but they’re still great, still traveling the world on a low budget. They’re very very talented when it comes to languages and I find them going on adventures in foreign countries highly amusing. 

Eve Cornwell - Eve is a soon to be proper lawyer currently finishing her masters degree (I think?? I need to catch up on her, lol). She drinks too much coffee, is a relatable student who struggles through her workload and shows you what it takes to get that law degree. Also her editing is just *chef kisses* super cute.

Booktube

Paperbackdreams - I just saw a few of her vids bc I’m mainly not that much into booktube but her video about after just had me snorting all the way through so maybe you enjoy that. Also, a very small curly haired bean.

LilyCReads - Lily got famous for her rant videos and I just love how she picks apart shitty plots. Mainly, because she swears a lot. But she also has a series of her reading the Harry Potter books for the first time and I quite enjoyed them. Simple, very entertaining. 

Readwithcindy - Only watched a few of her videos but I love her style and her vibe a lot. Also, she has the same favorite books as I do so ... maybe that’s a reason as well. Oh, yeah. And we share the depression part and I can relate on t h a t.

Movie Commentary

Dylan is in Trouble - Basically a dude watching our favorite chick flicks, guilty pleasure or teenage obsession shows and comments on them. That’s it. That’s the whole content. He started a series where he was watching the cringiest shows and see how much he could take and it basically evolved from that to .. watching movies and commenting/ranting/questioning various parts that we all questioned. 

Alex Meyers - Alex comments on shows and sums up weird stories very well and he does so with the help of animation. Basically, he’s an artist making fun of weird shows but it’s very light hearted and mostly not ill intended. Also, his animations feature his dog so if that doesn’t get you selling idk what does. 

Trin Lovell - She’s like Dylan. But female. And asian. And much more energetic but just as funny (if not even more). Also, way more edited and dramatic but I like it. So, yeah, a movie commentary channel watching everything from Twilight to Riverdale, lol. 

Art

Emily Artiful - I mainly followed her because of her Sketchbook Storytime videos where she draws and chats/rants to her viewers at the same time and it’s not only beautiful but highly amusing as well. Love her presence and her way of telling a story and getting riled up about it. 

Documentary/Personal

Max Joseph - I know, it’s the guy from Catfish but hear me out. He’s got like 2 vids up where he really took the time and effort and met with very interesting peeps. One of the videos is about if you need to be an asshole to make it as a director in the movie industry. The other one is book related, how to read more books and such and I found them highly intriguing and fascinating! He doesn’t have that many videos yet but those two are like an hour long so grab a snack, sit back and enjoy! 

Film Analysis/Video Essays

Now, those are channels focusing on movie analysis and explaining shots and film for you and why we, as the audience, feel a certain way because we’ve been set up. So if you’re interest in that (I LOVE those) that might be your niche. They’re mostly doing the same thing so I’m just gonna link their channels down below! 

Lessons from the Screenplay

Nerdwriter1

Sideways

Tyler Mowery

Let me know if you knew any of those already or if you liked any of them! :) 

[mittensmorgul]

Hello, can you please recommend me fluffy kind of lengthy Destiel fics? It'd be best if it's where they have kids or something like that but I'm fine with anything. I noticed that majority of the Destiel fics are depressing or triggering (damn you, Supernatural 😤) and I don't want to be sad. Thank you in advance! 💓

Aahhh! First off... I don’t read fics where they have kids... I have a weird list of things that nope me out of fic, and daddy destiel is at the top of the list. (everyone’s got their weird squicks, you know?) And I get it. I only read a certain kind of angst myself (the show gives us more than enough, I read fic to actually see them happy. Or if they’re suffering, at least they’re doing so in a comedic way... yes hello I once wrote a six-way body swap crack fest...).

So here, have some recent long-ish fics I have enjoyed! (I always enjoy sharing fic I liked, because it’s good for the care and maintenance of your favorite authors) (also this is just me going through my AO3 history, and I have a LOT on my to-read list from this year’s dcbb, I just haven’t had a chance to get to some of the really long fics yet, so you also might want to check out the official posts list there @deancasbigbang, and as always, @destielfanfic is a fantastic place to find long fic recs that you can sort by tags to find exactly what you’re looking for):

Finger Painted Grace  by @jupiterjames (E, 24k, artist AU)

Shifter by ladylini (T, 24k, canon-ish AU, but Dean never pulled Sam out of Stanford, yet the rest of SPN kept right on happening without him... until 11 years later when Dean and Cas run into him on a hunt... hijinks ensue. This is an older fic that I stumbled across again a few weeks ago and read again)

Hunger (Of the Pine) by  Ashlyn17  (T, 34k, chef!Dean and restaurant critic!Cas)

Hot Men, Unmasked by @castielsunshinegrace (T, 43k, superhero AU loosely based on Batman, with Dean as Red Hood and Cas as Nightwing... there are superhero costumes and superhero-y things... it’s fun. :P)

(also I have apparently been reading an awful lot of T rated fic lately, proving that no, you do not have to write smut to write an enjoyable story.)

Lammas Night by @pherryt (aka @dragonpressgraphics) (E, 51k, wizard!Dean and wizard!Cas-- who starts off the fic as ghost!Cas but Dean fixes that so don’t worry... :P, but I’ve been reading it over the last week or so, and I’m almost finished with it-- like on the last chapter.)

Well Endowed by @thayerkerbasy and @grey2510 (T, 32k, plus a few additional shorter stories in the ‘verse, all worth reading) Wherein Dean is the sole beneficiary of Crowley’s will, and TFW has to figure out what the heck to do with everything-- including soul contracts and one (1) loyal hellhound named Juliet who has reluctantly accepted that Dean is her new master. (Juliet’s pov sections are a fantastic read all on their own)

Marshmalloween  by @almaasi (T, 33k), yes, technically takes place at Halloween). An AU similar to canon, but Sam and Dean aren’t raised in the life and Cas is a human raised by Missouri.

Worth the Fall by Desirae  (E, 25k), kindergarten teacher!Dean, angel!Cas AU, where Cas disobeys orders and saves Dean’s life, then is punished by being forced to live as a human for one year, during which he inevitably meets and falls for Dean. :)

Framed in a Stranger's Speech  by @pantheonofdiscord (E, 27k), canon-adjacent, where a hunt goes sideways, and Cas is forced from his body, and must find a temporary vessel... Claire agrees to be his vessel until they can figure out how to save Cas. All the E stuff happens AFTER they save him... but there’s some awesome Cas and Claire stuff in here, which is sort of kid related, I guess?

And that’s all the longer fic I’ve read in the last month or so. Just going through my history and seeing how much I have Marked For Later, I’m just weeping... Seriously go check out the dcbb’s from this year. I’ve been in panic-writing mode for my pinefest, but I turned in the draft last night (or I guess technically this morning, it was very late when I pushed the submit button...) so hopefully I’ll have more time to get caught up reading (especially with the winter hellatus upon us! Which will also likely mean the annual barrage of Holiday Fluff Fic, so there’s that to look forward to as well!)

But I assume you asked me for fic recs because you’ve already read all my fic? If not, there you go! That should keep you busy for a while. :)

[betweensceneswriter]

Jimjeran-Chapter 12 : Scar Stories

Sometimes you're not just scarred by physical injuries.

Click Here to Hop to the Table of Contents

     I was pretty giddy when we arrived back at the apartment, as I had caught three more fish. Rupert and Angus kindly admired my catch, though two of the fish were small and slightly mangled.

     I hadn’t done much swimming in ocean water, but my experience had been that salt water leaves a residue on your skin.  By the time we got back to their house I was feeling kind of ratty-haired and sticky.

      “I think I should go back home to shower and get changed,” I said. “I feel kind of salty and gross.”

      “No, you’ll use our shower,” insisted Angus. “You dinna want to have to walk an extra two miles just to be cleaned up for dinner.”

      That made a lot of sense, so I grabbed my towel and dress, with the distressing thought that I hadn’t brought along any extra underwear. While I figured I could put my swimsuit back on, I didn’t like the idea of walking around in wet clothes.

       “Can I pop in your room for a minute, Jamie?” I asked.

       “Sure,” he answered from the kitchen where he was punching down the dough. When I entered his room, I quickly took an assessment. Gingerly closing the door behind myself, I tiptoed over to his dresser. Opening the top drawer, I found a variety of briefs and boxers and finally chose a pair of black boxer briefs without a strange front hole.

      Attempting a breezy greeting as I passed the kitchen, I headed out to their shower. There was already a full bucket of water, which was nice, and they had some basic hair products there, so I had everything I needed. When I got dressed after my shower, it felt a little strange to put on Jamie‘s underwear, but it was better than the alternative.

      As I headed back to their apartment, I saw Angus outside, slicing each fish up the belly with a sharp knife and scooping out the innards.  Meanwhile, Rupert had been gathering sticks and building a fire in a little fire pit. When I looked at him curiously, he said, “Fish taste best barbecued over a fire.” It looked like he had a small metal grate with him, and a bottle of soy sauce.

      Back inside, I went into the kitchen to watch the chef at work.  Jamie was spreading tomato sauce and some thinly sliced pepperoni sticks over the pizza dough, which he’d rolled out to fit a rectangular pan.  That finished, he sprinkled it generously with Parmesan cheese and Italian herbs, and then stuck it in the oven. 

       “Barbecue time,” he said, smiling as he grabbed plates and headed outside.

      Just in front of the building, their apartment had a small shaded patio.  There were a couple of plastic chairs under the porch roof, and Jamie grabbed one to sit on by the fire.  Looking around, on the far side of their yard by the fire pit I saw a funny sling-like hanging chair, supported by a thick rope tied to a huge tree.  Settling myself in the swing, I watched as Rupert turned the fish over on the grate, their skins looking brown and blistered, splitting to reveal white flesh inside.

      I was staring up at the tree curiously when Rupert said, “Breadfruit.”  He pointed up through the branches to the bumpy green balls up in the tree. 

       “What does it taste like?” I asked, still leaning back in the swing, from which I could see the tall branches, large leaves, and numerous fruit.

       “They say it tastes like potatoes,” said Angus, who was squatting by the fire, “But I dinna agree.  I know better how potatoes taste.”

       “Well, I’ll have to try it sometime to decide for myself,” I said.  “How in the world do you pick them? They’re so high up!”

       “A rock and slingshot,” said Jamie, grinning.  “And quite a bit of skill.  That’s one thing I’ve yet to master; it’s quite impressive to see the locals take down a breadfruit with a single shot.”

      Rupert used a fork to put a few of the perfectly-cooked fish on each plate.  I inspected my first course with interest.  Still whole, pretty colors blistered and blackened, the fish had diagonal knife cuts along each side through which I could see flaky white meat. 

      Watching other people had turned out to be an important social skill on Arno; by observing the boys I saw that they were pinching hot pieces off with their fingers to eat. My fish stared at me blankly as I grabbed my first bite.  “Hey, thanks, buddy,” I said apologetically. 

      My little friend was delicious, fresh, with a mild flavor accentuated by the salty tang of soy sauce.  I began to feel less guilty for eating Dory and Nemo’s friend, though I could have done without his eye staring at me accusingly.

      With the coming of dusk, the mosquitoes arrived in force as well, so we retreated into the apartment, just in time to eat Jamie’s perfect pizza fresh from the oven.  The boys were right; lack of mozzarella didn’t detract at all.

      As we settled on their couches after finishing dinner, I looked down at my stomach. “I’ve got a food baby,” I groaned, looking down at the little bulge on my stomach.  Jamie had grabbed the seat next to me, and he reached over and patted my belly, taking me completely by surprise. 

       “We’ll name her Peshay,” he said.  At my confused expression he said, “P-E-S-C-E.  That’s Italian for fish. . .”

       “Aren’t you clever?” I laughed, scraping his hand off my stomach as subtly as I could.  His thumb was dangerously close to my braless breasts, and I was already feeling a little too much just sitting next to him. 

      It didn’t get any easier as the evening progressed.  Angus started spouting off about how Arno was traditionally known to have a “love school.” 

       “They would have girls lie in a canoe on the sea and feel the rocking of the waves.  That’s all the sexual education they would need to please a man,” Angus explained happily.

       “Seems to me I know a few things that lying in a canoe would not have taught me,” I said, skeptically.  When all three guys turned and stared at me with intense interest, I groaned and covered my face in embarrassment.  “I’m sorry.  You guys talk dirty, and it’s rubbing off on me.”

       “I’d be happy to rub off on you,” said Rupert.  Jamie reached over and punched him.  “Ow,” said Rupert, rubbing his shoulder in surprise.

       “So let’s not be sexist here,” I said.  “What happens if a man lies in a canoe?  Does he learn anything valuable?”

       “If it’s Jamie, he gets seasick and starts heavering!” Rupert said, glaring at Jamie.  “And he wouldna have much opportunity to practice what he learned anyway.”

      Jamie decided it was time to change the subject.  “So, Miss Beauchamp, you said you’d tell me about one of your scars,” he said.  “Have you decided which one?”

      I held out my leg and pointed at a small spot on my ankle.  “Five years old, riding on the handlebars of my dad’s bike.  My foot slipped between the spokes, mangled my ankle, and crashed his bike.  It hurt, and I remember my dad crying because he felt so bad, and that I got orange juice.  We didn’t have juice very often in my family,” I explained, when they seemed surprised at my memory of such an insignificant thing.  “Your turn, Angus.”

      He opened his lips and indicated his teeth.  “Two fake front teeth.  Summer camp counseling,” he said.

      That one took me by surprise and I laughed.  “One of your campers punch you in the mouth?”

       “No, just broke them out going down the waterslide headfirst.  Wouldna recommend it.”

       “Rupert?” I said.

      He pulled his shirt up and then his shorts downward.  When I looked away in surprise, he said, “Appendectomy.  Twelve years old.  Almost died.”

       “Thought you’d just muscle through the pain?” I asked.

       “Real men don’t need hospitals,” he joked.

       “Jamie?” said Angus.

       “This all started because I told Claire it wasna fair she was so familiar with the scar on my bum.”

       “I havena seen it,” said Angus.

       “Neither have I,” agreed Rupert.

       “Go for it,” I said, averting my eyes, as Jamie stood and unbuttoned his shorts, dropping the back down so Angus and Rupert could see it.  Both guys took a sharp intake of breath.

       “I didna realize how big it was,” Angus gasped.  “Yer arse, I mean.  That’s just a baby scrape.”

       “Good work, Miss Peach,” exclaimed Rupert, acknowledging the severity of the injury.  “It willna disfigure him for the rest of his life as I feared.  He might still be able to find himself a wife.”

      Jamie did his shorts back up, but when he sat down, he sat about a foot closer to me.  It didn’t escape Rupert’s notice.  He looked at us thoughtfully for a moment, then spoke.  “You know, there are rumors going around about you guys.”

       “What kind of rumors?” I asked, already knowing what the answer was going to be.

       “That the two of you have been hanging out alone, at night, in your apartment,” said Angus. Jamie and I exchanged an awkward glance.

       “Jamie has never been inside my apartment at night,” I said, realizing with chagrin as Jamie raised his eyebrows at me that wasn’t completely true.  The first time he walked me home he had come in, had sat on my bed, held me on his lap…and needed a moment to recover before leaving. “Rupert has, though,” I said to change the subject.

       “Rupert’s been in your apartment?” complained Angus. “You never let me in!”

       “Just to show me how see-through my curtains were when I was changing with the lights on inside.”

      Angus glared at Rupert.  “Ye told her?”

       “We never peeked at Miss Lynch, but after what I saw I thought I should let her know.”

       “Not fair at all,” grumped Angus, and Jamie gave me an impenetrable sidelong glance.

       “Well, on that note, I think it’s time for me to go home,” I said.  I gathered up my swimsuit, towel, and snorkel gear and put them in my bag.  When I got to the front door, Angus was there, tennis shoes on.

      I felt a slight sense of disappointment that it wasn’t Jamie.  I felt like I should talk to him.  But I couldn’t exactly express that, so I wished Rupert and Jamie good night.  As Angus and I walked down the road, I kept my distance from him, afraid he might try to make a move on me.  Finally he stopped me.

       “I can tell ye’re scared of me, Miss Peach.  What kind of guy do you think I am?” Angus asked.  “I may joke a lot, but ye can trust me not to lay a hand on ye.”

      We walked in silence for a time, and finally Angus spoke up.  “In all seriousness, Claire, ye do need to be careful.  Jamie got in enough trouble back in Scotland that he can’t currently go back there.  This is a safe place for him to be, he loves it here, and he’s grown up a lot in the past four years.  For you this might just be a harmless fling, and you’ve got something to go back to if it falls apart, but if the two of ye get in trouble, Jamie’s got nothing to fall back on.”

       “What should I do then?”

       “Make yerself scarce.  Visit with the locals.  As much as I hate to say it, don’t bring us food.  And Rupert and I will try not to pull you in with us for a while.  Jamie could find a nice local girl to marry and just stay here forever.  Somehow I can’t see you settling down in a place like this.  It’s a low-tech vacation for you.  It’s not that for Jamie.”

      I felt nauseated when I got back to my house.  I said goodnight to Angus and went inside, where I sat in the darkness in my room.

      What the fuck are you thinking, Beauchamp? I asked myself.  You are engaged to Frank Randall, and here you are playing girlfriend to a young virgin.  What is wrong with you?

      We were playing with fire.  With the increased intimacy of taking care of him and seeing him undressed; the silliness of sharing clothing (I realized I was still wearing his underwear); the emotional intimacy of Jamie listening to me and the physical intimacy of hugging; as well as my complete awareness of his erections…this wasn’t how you started a platonic friendship. And it wasn’t the way to stay faithful to Frank.

      I felt sick and devastated.  I wasn’t going to lose just a boyfriend; I was losing my best friend.

      Jamie and I were in two separate canoes, tied together on the open sea.

     “Have you learned enough?” I asked him.

     I’m ready when you are,” he said.

     “Well, this is how you lose your virginity,” I told him.

     Suddenly we were in a middle school hallway.  I reached down and grabbed his hand and we walked down the hallway, kids turning and looking at us, pointing at our hands, and then giggling and whispering as they turned away.

     Then we were at a high school dance, our arms around each other.  I was wearing a wrist corsage; he looked overdressed in a tuxedo.  He leaned down and kissed me, our noses bumping awkwardly because we hadn’t learned to tilt our heads yet.

     Next we were in the backseat of a car with steamed up windows.  He had his hand up under my cheerleading uniform shirt, clumsily squeezing my breast while we awkwardly french-kissed, slobbering all over each other.

     I saw my floral print bedspread in my room at home with the door halfway closed, his back to the door and his pants around his ankles, and me on my knees in front of him.  I looked up at him and his head was dropped back, looking half-pained while I inexpertly tried to make myself and him feel good, gagging too easily and feeling ashamed afterward.

     And then in a dorm room, lights off, with my roommate on the top bunk wearing headphones, I gasped through his first touches, astonished by the feel of his hand between my legs.  And when I’d seen heaven during my first, shuddering orgasm, I generously told him, “Okay, just the tip,” and he managed to be satisfied with partial measures.

     Finally, we were out on a date—the third one—to a nice Italian restaurant.  We’d eaten, and walked, and talked, and laughed, and then we went back to his apartment (because he had one), and after looking at each other with a question and answer in our eyes, we tore each others’ clothes off, and in a queen-sized bed were completely naked together.  And when I bled, he was compassionate, and went to get a washcloth for me from the bathroom.  And he drove me back to the dorm with toilet paper stuck into my panties since I didn’t have a panty liner.  Then he kissed me goodnight gently, saying, “That was wonderful, Claire. Thank you for giving me that gift.”

     "Goodnight, Frank,” I said, blushingly smiling as I watched him walk down the sidewalk away from me.

I woke up sweaty and despondent, and cried myself back to sleep.

On to Chapter 13 : The Break Up

Breaking up is hard to do...

[torentialtribute]

I had to pull pints in the village pub before the game to earn money, says Beth Mead

& # 39; I think I drove through the trade entrance & # 39 ;, it jokes modest Arsenal and England sends Beth Mead forward as she emerges from the revolving doors, immediately impressed by her soft environment. & # 39; I'm sorry I'm late & # 39 ;, she adds.

The Grove would be better known to Mead's male counterparts, many of whom would often recall the luxury hotel in Hertfordshire while having international employment with England, pre St George's Park.

& # 39; So when were we training at Loughborough University and were we staying in dorms, were the men here? & # 39; the 24-year-old asks with a wry smile as she sees the stark contrast to her own experiences with camps in England.

Beth Mead believes that inequality in pay in male and female players in amazing

For Mead, who emerged as an outbreaker on the English side of Phil Neville, with these five games at the World Cup this summer, the continuing inequality between men and women in football is amazing. The average annual salary for players in the Women's Super League is estimated at around £ 35,000.

& # 39; It is frustrating, we naturally think we have much more, & # 39; she carefully begins to get outside the hotel. Manicured grounds. & # 39; What we earn in a year, one of the men under 21 takes home in a week. At some large clubs, even their younger than 18 can participate so much.

I know that they generate more income, but it is crazy. We simply get the best out of the situation at the moment. & # 39;

In a training stop and shorts from Arsenal, Mead takes a seat at a table in a quiet part of the garden, admitting that she feels somewhat underclothed after a triple pre-season training session.

Mead explained that some male U21 players could take home what they earn every year. in a week

The 24-year-old played five games at the World Cup for England earlier this summer "class =" blkBorder img-share "/>

The 24-year-old played earlier this summer five games at the World Cup for England

& I worked the night before I played a game in a village pub to earn some more money to get me there. Those experiences shape you as a footballer & # 39 ;, says Mead. "I love my journey in football and I couldn't have any complaints about it."

Mead scored 77 goals in 78 games on a part-time contract with former club Sunderland and led the Northeast outfit to a championship title before a move to North London was offered in January 2017. It wasn't long before the & # 39; little girl from Whitby, North Yorkshire & # 39; – that made her senior England debut a year later – found her feet. Although those feet may not receive Premier League indulgence, they have helped to take home the WSL title 2018-19 and the goal of the year for its thunderous 30-meter attack against Brighton.

& # 39; Nobody washes our boots at Arsenal, we don't have that luxury, ”she explains. She notes that the title winning party's boots are housed in a simple wooden garden shed on the London Colney base of the club.

& # 39; The men's boot space is probably larger than our dressing room on the training field, but you don't need a fancy space to make you a better footballer. & # 39;

Mead sat down with Sportsmail & # 39; s Claire Bloomfield at the luxury Grove Hotel in Hertfordshire

She revealed that she & # 39; worked at night in the village pub to play games to supplement her wages

But the young lioness – who already has more than 20 caps – quickly recognizes the setup at Arsenal is far superior to many of the top women's clubs.

We have a great facility, we train in a gym of several million pounds, there is a new booth in Meadow Park and we have got a good relationship with the men's team. I was joking with Alexandre Lacazette yesterday, so it's not like we're ghosts together.

& # 39; Of course I would & # 39; like to come home at night and have a chef to cook my dinner, but I make it myself. I am not the best chef in the world, but I am not the worst. I make food and it is edible, & she laughs. & # 39;

A few days away from the season opener of Arsenal at home with London's rivals West Ham, Mead admits that the gunners want to regain their status as serial winners in women's football after ending the club's seven-year wait at a national title.

Since delivering that long-awaited silverware, manager Joe Montemurro has now also been in charge of mastering the first Arsenal Champions League campaign in more than five years. They travel to Fiorentina just four days in the new season.

But successfully defending the top position on home soil is first on the agenda, and Mead believes that this team is well on its way to pursue French giants Lyon – who have won the last 13 French titles.

The Arsenal won the goal of the year for its thunderous 30 meter strike against Brighton

[1945908] Mead said she recently interacted with the Arsenal men and was joking with Alexandre Lacazette

& # 39; That's the Arsenal that we want to bring back, we want team to be scared of, just as people are scared of Lyon. I remember playing against Arsenal for Sunderland and I didn't want to play them. That is how you want other teams to feel. & # 39;

With the Dutch defender Dominique Bloodworth the only important departure this summer, Arsenal has done some good business in the transfer window by recruiting Jill Roord, Manuela Zinsberger and Leonie Maier from Bayern Munich, plus Manchester City duo Jennifer Beattie and Fran Stenson. The club also welcomed the return of midfielder Jordan Nobbs after a nine-month injury release.

& # 39; The ability I know this group has is exciting & # 39 ;, she says. "We're heading in the right direction, whether it's this season or not, I think we're heading in the direction of Joe and we can be that team.

" have two or three teams that are half decent in that league (Division 1 Woman) and that's it, & Mead adds 39, suggesting dominance in England – in a competition she makes & # 39; the best in women's football & # 39; – would be a much greater achievement.

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[tebbyclinic11]

17 New Spring Cookbooks We Can’t Wait to Stain

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17 New Spring Cookbooks We Can’t Wait to Stain

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It’s no coincidence that spring is one of the greatest times of the year to cook—and one of the greatest seasons for cookbook releases. These are the 17 new cookbooks we can’t wait to stain.

When Rogers Gray Italian Country Cook Book was published in 1995, it launched a food moment, the ripples of which are being felt to this day. The seductively elemental Italian recipes from Ruth Rogers and Rose Gray—untrained chefs who had started London’s River Cafe as a commissary for the architects in Richard Rogers’s practice on Thames Wharf—sent me and countless others scrambling for ingredients like lacinato kale and salt-packed anchovies. Many a dinner party was built around their pumpkin risotto, and many was foiled by a failed Chocolate Nemesis cake. While the dishes at the fabled restaurant—home to such young cooks as April Bloomfield, Jamie Oliver, and Clare Deboer and Jess Shadbolt of NYC’s King—were flawless, the published recipes were rather loosey-goosey. The stunningly designed 30th-anniversary edition of the beloved blue book corrects that, as the recipes have been tested and updated. Like the restaurant, the dishes in River Cafe 30 feel as vital and vibrant as ever.

Cake by Maira Kalman and Barbara Scott-Goodman

Sweets have always figured in Maira Kalman’s jaunty paintings. Now she has created Cake, a cookbook that delights the palate and stirs the heart, with narrative, nostalgic illustrations followed by recipes, created by her friend Barbara Scott-Goodman, for favorites like coconut layer cake, plum torte, and the honey cake that her cousin Tali always puts into her suitcase before she returns home to NYC. Especially poignant is the image of the pink “philosophical cake” that her family made while living in Rome in the ‘80s, iced with the words, “A day without dancing is a wasted day.” It’s Love, Loss, and What I Baked.

“Elbow deep in dough, I surrendered.” North Carolina baker Tara Jensen achieved Instagram fame first for her artful, post-latticed pie crusts and masterful bread, then for her raw breakup posts and Deep Observations from the remote countryside. Her fearlessly honest—some might say way oversharing—book, A Baker’s Year, is part diary, part artisanal baking manual, with recipes for New Moon Cake, Broken Down Berry Pie, and Bloody Butcher Pancakes. In short, millennial gold. The instructions lean toward the minimalist and intuitive, meaning you might need to watch a YouTube video to master that crust or know if your starter—excuse me, (A) Culture (of Resistance)—is really kicking. While you’re online, check out Julia Kramer’s excellent profile of Jensen for BA.

A BAKER’S YEAR. Text and illustration credits (c) 2018 by Tara Jensen and reprinted by permission of St. Martin’s Press.

Variations on the Full Moon Cake from A Baker’s Year.

British blogger Meera Sodha’s debut cookbook, Made in India, was an instant classic, creating authentic Indian flavors by using what most people have in the fridge. (In fact, I have some of her cilantro-coconut chutney in the freezer right now, waiting to be added to chicken.) Her vegetarian sequel, Fresh India, is just as dog-earrable, with recipes like Sri Lankan dal with coconut and lime kale and the addictive shredded Brussels sprout thoran, or stir fry, which prompts you to shred them in the food processor. (Light bulb/forehead-slapping moment.) Like Sodha, with her bangs and red lipstick, these recipes feel both relaxed and spontaneous, taking much of the intimidation out of Indian cooking.

(Right) Photo by Jennifer May

Japan: The Cookbook is an essential, authoritative, approachable guide to the country’s cooking by expat Nancy Singleton-Hachisu, author of the cult favorite Japanese Farm Food. The condensed history of Japanese food alone is both humbling and endearing. (We Americans can surely learn something from a cuisine that began around 12,000 B.C., when the creation of earthenware pots and the use of ash to remove toxins or bitterness from mountain vegetables first began—both still used today.) The recipes are brief and simple, with big payoff once you’ve stocked your pantry. Get ready to make fried chicken meatballs with nori; flowering greens with sake-soy; and crispy greens with sesame part of your repertoire.

Anissa Helou’s Feast: Food of the Islamic World provides an insightful, lushly depicted journey into millennia-old cuisines many of us know relatively bupkus about. Helou’s chapter on bread alone is a travelogue, seducing with recipes for flat and filled breads from Yemen, Somalia, India, Morroco, Iran, Turkey, and more. (The Zanzibari savory doughnuts and Arabian date bread are particularly appealing). This being a celebratory book, recipes for whole beasts—or just their humps, legs, and breasts—elaborate rice dishes, and spice mixes combine with more makeable pleasures like meatballs in sour cherry sauce, baked rice cakes with lamb, and Ramadan date cookies. Helou is both scholar and hedonist, which makes for the best kind of guide in the kitchen.

BA contributor Brooks Headley not only runs Superiority Burger, the best vegan-leaning burger joint in NYC, his punk ethos and deadpan humor make for some of the best cookbook reading ever. Now he brings his “modest, non-fancy” ethos, as well as recipes for hippy wraps, tofu-fried tofu, burnt broccoli salad and, dear lord, that gelato, home with Superiority Burger: The Vegetarian Hamburger Is Now Delicious. Even if you don’t make his signature burger, you’ll enjoy reading the recipe, in which he proclaims, “The un-likeness to the real thing is uncanny… They are absolutely recognizable as food, and are meant to be a Luddite response to the modern gaggle of vegetable patties that bleed and squirt and ape.” Vegans—no, humans—rejoice.

Sam Hodgson

The oh-so-famous veggie burger at Superiority, coming to a kitchen near you.

Food writing—that is, good writing about food—ain’t what it used to be. Posts and feeds can’t compare to the confident, informed words of M.F.K. Fisher, Elizabeth David, or Patience Gray. They were actively cooking and researching (and living), then weighing each phrase, producing lasting works that no emoji can summarize. Editor and Chez Panisse cook turned author Tamar Adler has set herself in their footsteps, producing books with cooking in them rather than straight-up cookbooks. Her debut, An Everlasting Meal, made leftovers seem quite lovely, a dinner of toast and beans a quiet moral victory. With Something Old, Something New: Classic Recipes Reinvented, she strives to revitalize fusty classics and long-forgotten dishes, bringing them into this century with verve and ease. And so this spring might find you serving—without air quotes—Waldorf salad and Charlotte Russe; A Respectful Omelet and braised lettuce on toast. To get to the recipes, you will clamber past tightly crafted sentences like “This [shrimp] bisque is for fishermen and boat builders, for falconers, toll collectors, bricklayers, cooks, floor cleaners, window washers, bakers, bookbinders, gas pump attendants, metalworkers, and teachers, a most noble if not royal collection of humanity indeed.” It’s bookery meets cookery.

Other books of note:

Aska by Fredrik BerseliusThis season’s prettiest entry in the “collectible, not cookable” category is from the excellent Brooklyn restaurant Aska.

Jam Session: A Fruit-Preserving Handbook by Joyce GoldsteinThe former Chez Panisse chef has just the right touch.

Repertoire: All the Recipes You Need by Jessica BattaglianaThe title says it all: The perfect one-stop cookbook that builds kitchen confidence to boot.

Food52 Any Night Grilling by Paula DisbroweFinally, a grilling book that’s not bro-y. Pass the grilled cauliflower with green harissa!

How to Eat a Peach by Diana HenryThe unstoppable Ms. Henry does it again.

The Flavor Matrix: The Art and Science of Pairing Common Ingredients to Create Extraordinary Dishes by James BriscioneRemember that IBM Watson computer? Well, it helped form the basis of this book, which scientifically determines foods with complementary flavor compounds. Strawberries with mushrooms? You betcha.

Sweet Laurel: Recipes for Whole Food, Grain-Free Desserts by Laurel Gallucci and Claire ThomasThe women behind the popular L.A. bakery have mastered delicious GF treats that require fewer than 10 ingredients—none hard to find.

Session Cocktails: Low Alcohol Drinks for Any Occasion by Drew Lazor and the editors of PUNCHGreat recipes for when you need to ease into your evening (or day).

Eat a Little Better: Great Flavor, Good Health, Better World by Sam KassFormer food policy advisor and, hey, Obama chef Sam Kass brings you simple, doable ways to eat (and feel) healthier and shop more sustainably without driving yourself nuts.

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[disneyspies-blog]

OPERATION: ENCHANTED ROSE II

MAGIC, or Ministry of Action for Government Infiltration Contacts if you were feeling up for a tongue twister, is so much bigger then what I just described back there. For example, there are four main subcore teams- PRINCESS (Positioned to Rescue and Improvise without Negotiation Corps and Elite Stealth Spies), PRINCE (Patrol of Reconnaissance Investigation, Neutralization and Confrontation Extermination), PIXIE (Performers who Infiltrate and eXecute Intelligence Encounters) and VILLIAN (Veteran Investigation Liberate to Launch International Action Nationalism). What each team does is kept under protected lock and key so that no one outside of the teams knows what everyone else is doing.

PRINCESS is the biggest team, boasting fifteen operatives, all with unique skills. Almost all members are hard women, or experienced operatives who know how to survive in hostile environments and have killed before. We range from hackers to cipherist to dressers to a physiologist. Our personalities may not always get along that well, but at the end of the day, we can all forgive and forget (for the most part).

The team leader of PRINCESS is Catherine Fellows, codename: Cinders. No one at MAGIC, aside from General Leah King, knows her back story, and no one is foolish enough to find out. Her main job consists of matching missions with agents and making sure that everyone gets in and out in as safe as a manner as possible. She’s been doing the job for more or less three years, and there hasn’t been a single agent killed to date. In her spare time, Catherine raises and trains rats- she keeps them in an impressive enclosure in her apartment and they have adorable little names- Gustav, Jaquenetta, and Trella being some of her brood. The little fuzzy furballs had helped us out of quite a few sticky situations, to much Catherine’s great joy. The twenty three year old strawberry blonde has abusive scars on her back- I know that she knows that everyone knows about them. She tries to hide them for some unknown reason- maybe because she thinks they make her look weak- they do just the opposite however- they prove that she’s a tough survivor who can handle anything life throws at her.

Catherine’s unofficial second in command is Special Agent Serafina Weiss, codename: Poison. As one might’ve guessed on her last name, she’s German and speaks with the most delightfully badass accent. Sometime when she talks, she honest to God sounds likes she’s threatening someone, and we often use her in interrogation for that sole purpose. Her specialties involves creating and distributing poisons for assassinations, and believe me- she can either make a quick, painless death, or a long lasting, painful death- it depends on what the occasion requires. Despite her German military brat background and love of working in the lab developing deadly poisons, Serafina is the sweetest, kindest soul anyone will ever meet.

Alexandra Trident, codename Mermaid, is a rather well known legend in the world of spies. She was born to a marine biologist by the name of Dr. Allen Trident, who was secretly a CIA operative whose cover was blown while acting as a secret bodyguard to a very important ambassador’s daughter. Instead of being angry that her father had unknowingly to her, hired a bodyguard against her wishes, she fell in love and they got married, having seven daughters over a period of eleven years. From an early age, Alexandra had refused to speak, leaving her family to learn sign in an attempt to communicate with their silent daughter and sister. She had also showed an interest in marine biology, just like her father, and wanted to swim in the ocean with wild dolphins, a wish that was granted to her at the tender age of six. Alexandra is PRINCESS’ expert on the ocean and can hold her breath up to eight minutes, six if she’s moving.

PRINCESS’ physiologist is Dr. Julianna Khan, codename Raja. She was born in what she calls “the slums of India,” to a wealthy and very powerful father and a poorer then dirt mother. She often spent most of her life caring for her sickly mother and when things got so bad, she sought out her father, begging for help. He agreed to help her, if she would marry his business partner to strengthen his empire- she agreed, however, unknowingly to her, he wasn’t helping her mother at all. It wasn’t until her wedding day, nine months later, when she received word of her mother’s death by starvation, did she finally see her father for the money hungry monster he was. She shamed him in front all all the wedding guests before running away with his entire fortune, which she used to get herself out of India and to England, where she enrolled in college and got her degree in criminal psychology.

Fu Mei, codename Ping, is ex Chinese Liberating Army. Born to a Chinese father and a Japanese mother, she grew up celebrating two completely different cultures as one. She rarely shows her emotions, however she is generally really soft spoken and polite, never raising her voice unless she needs to (which has been never). However, don’t be fooled by her appearance- she is an absolute beast when training, especially with knives and guns. According to rumors, one time she accidently sliced off someone’s ear. Accidently. No one will confirm or deny it, but one does have to admit that Fu Mei is extremely badass.

Mary Claire MacWilliams, codename Arrow, sounds like she just stepped off the screen of the Outlander series, Scottish accent and fondness for tartan plaid and all. With her wild red curls and tomboyish attitude, no one would ever suspect that she works with PRINCESS as a government employed assassin. She is a master at dialects, having mastered the languages Gaelic and Doric, and can mimic any sounds she hears. She saved my chops more than once, and I consider her to be one of my closet friends.

Annalisa King, codename Spindle, is a beautiful oddball. If not for her severe insomnia and Kleine- Levin syndrome, she would make the perfect undercover agent. The really funny thing about her sleep schedule is that she’s either impossibly bright eyes and bushy tailed or in such a deep sleep nothing can wake her. She highly prefers to be in the garage, elbow deep in grease, stating something along the area of she likes the smell of motors and that it helps her same sane. Her godmothers are three of MAGIC’s most legendary agents- Agent Flora, Agent Fauna, and Agent Merryweather- they are responsible for stopping the terror attack of 2017 on San Francisco. The mission was kept under such tight wraps that according to what I’ve heard, not even the president knew what was going on. Something about his Twitter feed or the likes.

Alicia Madd, codename Wonderland, is MAGIC’s official youngest agent at twelve. She graduated from high school a year or so ago with ridiculously high marks in everything and was drafted as a junior agent right after graduation. She’s a orphan and a ward of the state of California until she reached legal age at eighteen. MAGIC uses her for undercover work- namely speaking, getting close to subject’s children and using her smooth deduction skills to Sherlock Holmes the living life out of people.

Special Agent Maile Paewai, codename: Maui, is one of PRINCESS’s scouts and navigators. She is a master at armed and unarmed combat, having grown up with five older brothers. In addition to that, she’s also a professional at harpooning and sailing, both which she learned from her home state of Hawaii. She also uses traditional wayfinding tactics, which include the reading the stars and memorizing landmarks. As a result, she’s become extremely observant at noticing the tiniest of details, which can be both amusing and annoying at the same time- it’s almost as though she doesn’t have a filter.

Special Agent Anita Storm, codename: Baby Snowflake, is the younger sister to MAGIC traitor, Elizabeth Storm. As I mentioned before, she was crushed by her big sister turning sides, and now spends most of her time in her office working on breaking and inventing codes. The eighteen year old girl suffers from a weak heart, as how she didn’t get enough oxygen to her body before she was born. According to Anita, when Elizabeth first held her right after she was born, the dark ginger haired baby started to cry. Anita is bilingual, speaking both English and Norwegian, and is always bundled up in blankets to keep away the chill that only she is prisoner to.

Pamuya Smith, codename Compass, was raised alongside her Native American cousin on Hopi land in Michigan, despite having a white mother. Her name means “Water Moon” in Hopi, and she was on track and field when she was in high school. She loves eating healthy, however she won’t turn her nose up at anything with chocolate covered starberries on the side. She is the other member to the tracking and navigation team, having long since perfected the fine art of hunting in woods and other wild places.

Ruth Greene, codename Corona, is a German born and raised orphan had lusciously long hair with different shades of blonde and sparking emerald green eyes. She is also a regular Jack of All Trades- she is a master of disguises, firearms instructor, knows how to poison someone or save them from poison, practices parkour on a regular basis, people are always asking her if there’s anything she can’t do. As of lately, she’s been playing with a bump that’s appeared on her leg, on the inside of her right knee, poking and prodding at it.

Agent Tristessa Brown, Codename: Frog Princess, is MAGIC’s official chef when it comes to not wanting to cook after a long and grueling day of training. She can often times be found in the apartment she shares with her husband, Nathan Navins, trying out a new recipe she found on Pintrest and improving it. She runs her own adorable retro 1950’s diner down in the main lobby of MAGIC’s headquarters, where the customer favorite is a good old fashioned southern jambalaya recipe that she flat out refuses to share with anyone. She has somewhat permanent wrinkles at the corners of her eyes from so many months of never ending stress. All of PRINCESS had teamed up and every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, we hold a dinner party at someone’s apartment, followed by a pajama movie marathon to keep her from stressing herself up in her restaurant too much. And as an added bonus, whenever she becomes extremely vexed, she starts yelling in French, which can be either comical or terrifying, depending on whether or not she’s upset with you.

And then there’s me- Bellatrix Versailles, codename Beauty. My papa was born and raised in France while mama was Belgium, which explains my dark brown curls and fair skin a great deal. My occupation with MAGIC is PRINCESS team researcher, and on occasion, a field agent. I can read and retain up to a hundred thousand words a minute, can type twenty five thousand words a minutes  and my penmanship is extremely neat, even when I’m in a hurry. I enjoy reading and taking long walks filled with meaningful talk with my boyfriend, Special Agent Gabriel Roux, codename Red Stag.

Ex- special Agent Elizabeth Storm, codename: Snowflake Queen, was one of MAGIC’s top agents, before she turned traitor on everyone. Everyone highly suspects that she is still in contact with Anita, however either the code breaker is too good at her job and hides all traces of evidence really well or everyone is jumpy and very suspicious. Elizabeth had been diagnosed with Axis II Personality Disorder, making it so that it seems she has little concern for PRINCESS and the organization’s other operatives, however, that is not the case. Although she had difficulty in expressing her emotions, Dr. Khan has repeatedly assured everyone that Agent Storm’s methods of showing she cares were genuine. I don’t think I can ever find it in my heart to forgive her, after everything she’s put all of Magic though- even if she did shoot Mary Claire with a blank round.

[zillowcondo]

This & That: December 8, 2017

Books

—Dollars & Sense: How to Misthink Money and How to Spend Smarter by Dr. Dan Ariely and‎ Jeff Kreisler

Sometimes a shift in perspective is what is needed to better understand a concept, and if money is a bit perplexing, perhaps behavioral economist Dan Ariely and financial comedian and writer Jeff Kreisler can shed a new light on how to go about mastering your finances.  Debunking the basic assumptions many hold about money and revealing why sometimes our instincts when it comes to money are wrong, discover how to make better financial choices and make the financial progress you’ve been seeking.

—Kitchen Creativity: Unlocking Culinary Genius with Wisdom, Inspiration and IDeas from the World’s Most Creative Chefs by Karen Page

Sharing the creative strategies top chefs use to do what they do best, Karen Page reveals her “paradigm-shifting guide to inventive cooking (without recipes!) that will inspire you to think, improvise, and cook like the world’s best chefs.” Oh, that is a skill I have always wanted to acquire, and while I have some recipes memorized, the concept of never needing a recipe from the get-go is the ultimate goal. This book is definitely being put on my wishlist.

—The Little Book of Lykke: Secrets of the WOrld’s Happiest People by Meik Wiking

Being released on December 26th, Meik Wiking (the author of The Little Book of Hygge released this past January) released a new book about Lykke (LOO-ka)—pursuing and finding the good that exists in the world around us every day. Sounds like a similar pursuit we have here at TSLL. Intrigued I am.

—Pretty Fun: Creating and Celebrating a Lifetime of Tradition by Kate Hudson

As a follow-up to her book Pretty Happy, actress and now lifestyle guru Kate Hudson shares with readers her “wisdom and advice for living a healthy, strong, and mindful life.” Focused on how to organize gatherings of those you love and making it uniquely your own, thereby, establishing traditions to look forward to, if you’re looking for new recipes and decorating ideas, be sure to take a look.

Cookbooks

—The French Menu Cookbook: The Food and Wine of France–Season by Delicious Season–in Beautifully Composed Menus for American Dining and Entertaining by an American Living in Paris by Richard Olney

Last weekend, I popped into Powell’s and picked up five used French cookbooks, one of which was Richard Olney’s The French Menu Cookbook. The man who wrote in his hillside cottage in Provence brought to American readers the less familiar idea at the time, seasonal cooking. Organized by seasons and offering 3-5 entire menus (from appetizer to dessert), if you are looking for a book to help you pull it all together, this is the cookbook for you. I am absolutely pleased with my purchase.

Film

—Lady Bird

The film to watch when the Oscars are announced in January. Greta Gerwig’s first screenplay and directoral debut has the critics buzzing (the film earned the highest ranking on Rotten Tomatoes surpassing Toy Story 2 as the movie with the most consecutive Fresh reviews and zero Rotten reviews against it). Starring Saoirse Ronan as “Lady Bird” (a name the character gives herself), and supported by Laurie Metcalf who plays her mother, the film depicts a family living in Sacramento, California, and a mother who is trying to keep her family afloat due to her husband’s loss of job and all the while navigating the world with her daughter who is coming of age, opinionated, strong-willed, but deeply passionate and loving, much like Metcalf’s character as she discovers. Have a look at the trailer. I am looking forward to viewing this one.

Shopping

—Joie Alwena Button-Front Trench Coat

An affordable, classic trench coat made well and able to stand the test of time.

Television

—The Crown, 2nd season

Beginning today, the second season of Netflix’s The Crown begins starring Claire Foy as Queen Elizabeth II. Centered around more of the domestic scenes, the men in Elizabeth’s life will be more prominent as the raising of Charles will be included as well as backstories on Prince Phillip. And good news, did you know that Netflix has invested significantly in this series? In fact, the ideal is to have six total seasons covering six decades of Elizabeth II’s reign. Oh, I most certainly am hopeful their dream is realized. Have a look at the trailer below and enjoy binging or taking it episode by episode; there are ten.

~recipe for Doubly Decadent Chocolate Tart~

Happy holidays. Snow or no snow, it is getting festive in TSLL’s home. Last weekend we picked up the tree (Norman had a few thoughts about the transport situation as was revealed in TSLL’s IG Stories), and the holiday music has been playing just as much as I like it (a lot).

This weekend finds me sitting down to write holiday cards to send to friends and those who I am quite thankful to have in my life as well as putting the finishing touches on the big reveal that will occur next Friday here on the blog. I do hope the holidays are off to a wonderful start for you, and if you happen to have a Francophile or foodie on your shopping list, be sure to enter the giveaway to have a chance to win the Anatomy of a French Meal illustrated print. The winner will be announced on Sunday, and if you happen to not be the lucky winner, the good news is there is a special promo code you can use to save 15% on anything in the shop (many more lovely French illustrated prints are also available – one of which I have framed in my own kitchen).

Now to the weekend! Below are a few articles you may enjoy, and until Monday, bonne journée.

~Simple approaches to your everyday, discover the 5 Ways Mentally Strong People Set Themselves Up for Success

~a simple list of tips for enjoying food during the holidays without the guilt 

~speaking of food, discover James Beard’s thoughts on cheese

~looking for inspiration for traveling often, How to Live Your Fairy Tale Life Through Travel

~if you’re introvert, read this to help make the holidays everything you want to enjoy and balance what may be a bit overwhelming

~Looking for a good book to read over the holidays? NPR just released its list of Best Books of 2017. David Lebovitz’s L’Apart made the cut, and I couldn’t agree more.

~The new year is almost here, so why not let a few things you don’t need go and start the year fresh? Check out Marc & Angel’s 10 Fantasies to Let Go of Before the New Year

This & That: December 8, 2017 published first on http://ift.tt/2pewpEF

[purplerose244]

Belonging

Here again for the @toa-secret-santa of this year! So happy to participate again, I love these events! 😍😍 Hello @spellcasterdouxie, I’m your secret santa! Merry Christmas and festivities, hope you like my present! ❤

Summary: In which being stuck in New York to protect a magical being and save the world in the process is no excuse for not celebrating Christmas with your friends.

Also on AO3

So… Nari was a terrible liar.

Extremely powerful being, the purest pretty soul, but horrible at lying.

Douxie didn’t have the slightest idea of what she was plotting, granted that she used to be part of an evil congregation of wizards that wanted to take over using an ancient artifact – meh, like that was the weirdest coming from his friends –, but he was fairly sure that her claim regarding the leaking sink of the bathroom was some sort of decoy.

Did that convince him to ignore those big adorable puppy eyes?

“It looks good to me, but I’m gonna give it a double check just in case!”

“Thank you Douxie, much appreciated! Please make sure everything is working, do not overlook a single thing!” Absolutely not. He was a master wizard, not a beast.

Their little apartment was neither pretty nor particularly clean. Which considering the little money he accumulated over the years with all of his jobs back in Arcadia and given the fact that they were in New York City, was kind of a given. But it had a perfectly functional bathroom, basically a gift from above, or some kind of karma retribution from putting up with three different apocalypses in the same summer – and he had all suspicions that another one was coming, but possibly another season. That being said, he wasn’t sure why with her plant like appearance, Nari with all people was so interested into their sink. Besides maybe for spraying a bit of water over her head – one very curious and endearing scene really, like a pot plant watering itself.

Then again, he wasn’t completely sure why he was going along with it instead of asking directly what was this all about. Maybe he liked to study whatever thought somehow as peculiar as her could come up with. Maybe there was nothing else of particular interest to do while waiting for his mac and cheese to be ready… maybe that little nightmare of his from last night got him a little too down, and doing anything but think about it was a better solution than most. And it was a pretty annoying maybe, because dreams about his master were as common as breathing lately.

He thought he was over it. It was probably too soon… hopefully he was at least getting closer to the not too soon part of it.

One long silence followed, from which he was fairly sure he had heard a few whispers a little lower than Nari’s light tone. Great, what now? Was she actually plotting something?

“Is everything okay over there? Arch? Nari?”

“Fine, everything is fine! Keep checking please!”

“Are you serious?” Okay now it was ridiculous. “Nope, I’m getting over there, and you two better not be up to no good!” They were a surprisingly compatible pair, especially since his familiar had made it his mission to teach her the marvel of pranks – she wasn’t even malicious about it, that made it all even more devious somehow. Douxie left the wrench on the ground, getting out of the bathroom and towards the living room. “You all keep forgetting that I’m the master wizards here, so technically I’m in charge, so if you’re scheming something- Whoa, Mordrax’s miracles!”

The last thing he had expected, after leaving their lonely living room that was made of four faded walls with a random kitchen connected to it, was to get back to it completely transformed into a messy, happy Christmas themed little chamber.

Filled with very familiar faces.

“Merry Christmas, Teach!” Claire almost knocked him off his feet with that hug. She looked radiant, all wrapped up in one big purple sweater with ‘Feeling Wicked Sassy’ written on it – appropriate. Behind her Steve, Toby and Archie were all smiling.

“Sorry, you would not leave the house,” Nari looked all cozy and a little guilty in that big mint green sweater – with ‘Every Day is Green Day’ written on it, where did she get that? –, waving at him. “And it felt like claiming we were being attacked by Skrael and Bellroc was a bit excessive.” Thank goodness his roommate and protegee had some common sense – considering his latest adventure, more than him for sure.

Claire giggled, shrugging innocently.

“We honestly hoped you were that bad of a plumber and would give us more time…”

Douxie snickered, because this was ridiculously endearing and he loved it all already.

“Too bad I’m not completely hopeless.”

“Could’ve fooled me!” Steve, it was Steve, not even worth turning around to recognize him. But a random fist bump, that much he could concede – especially with that massive blue sweater ‘Silent Knight, Holey Knight’ he had on, like really what was even that. “Ready to have the best time of your life?”

The master wizard arched an eyebrow.

“Said from you? Should we call the firefighter in advance? Or the police?” The blonde pouted very dramatically, Claire snickered. He had really missed these two. “Wow, this place looks amazing! The landlord can’t see this or she will force me to pay more for the rent.” His wallet was already gasping enough for breath and money. “All this stuff, all the decorations… is this beef?” Ah, that was why it all felt like such a sudden change, this paradisiac scent had definitely not been here before. “It smells delicious!”

“Thank you!” Second shock of the day, but Douxie could hardly blame himself considering the most time he had spent around Jim had been during his huge troll moments – he kinda looked like a twig now in comparison. “I’m pretty well known for my festive feasts.”

“Also known as festeasts!” Toby showed one enthusiastic victory sign, pulling off his orange ‘Rockin’ This Christmas’ with plenty of little gems and stones all around – the forever geologist.

Jim rolled his eyes with a grin.

“Tobes we’re not calling them that.” The Warhammer holder frowned, only to beam when he got handed a spoon for a taste. “I made most of this from home so it’s all ready and warm, but I wanted to make something on the place while I was at it. Freshly made food tastes way better on Christmas.” Toby hummed around the spoon, smacking his lips, then he rubbed his fingers together towards the chef, who caught it as to add more salt.

Douxie couldn’t help but scoot closer, peaking inside. That looked like food. That looked like real, delicious, extremely well-made food.

“What in the world, how did you make that?” Jim snorted.

“You moved on without much of a comment from me turning into a half-troll, a full troll and then back to a human, and this surprises you?”

“My friend, there were Thai leftovers, one instant ramen, an onion and an egg left in the fridge so yes, this surprises me!” All speculations died when he was offered a taste too. “… so it turns out I know nothing of magic. I must bow to the real master wizard here.” If happiness had a flavor it had to be this one. The former trollhunter snickered, giving him a little elbow before going back over his creations. And if the most classic ‘kiss the chef’ apron on him wasn’t already extremely fitting, the cyan sweater underneath reciting ‘I’m In The…’ on the back barely left to the imagination what list was written on the front.

A very well-deserved sign, really.

“Buttsnack’s managed to make these too, take a look!” Steve waved at the little counter that was the only thing remotely looking like a table in this place. And smelling just as heavenly as everything else, there they were, mince pies, just like the ones from Camelot. “But I don’t know if they’re as good because someone slaps my hand every time I- OUCH!! I didn’t even try this time!”

Archie’s tail could be surprisingly useful as a whip, in fact.

“You were thinking about it! So don’t, these are for later.” And wow, if his most loyal companion wasn’t absolutely adorable wearing that little red sweater – ‘Santa Paws’, he was going to complain about it all day long. Douxie wished he hadn’t left his phone in the bathroom. “We’re still waiting for the tree, the last decorations and the music. But we’re almost ready.” So apparently his familiar had been behind all of this. That actually made perfect sense.

Of course this little wizard associate had known this was going to do him good. It was the kind of bond that came with being around each other for over 900 years.

Archie smiled at him, and Douxie couldn’t not grin in return.

“Can’t wait for them! Even thought I did have some when we had that travel… well technically ages ago, we were actually in Camelot, but it wasn’t- Ah forget it, time loops are too confusing.” There was a consensual groan including all of them but Toby and Nari, who just looked at each other and shrugged. “Well, this is awesome, how did you even get everything here so fast?” On second thought, that was more than just bizarre. His eyes crossed Claire’s right away. “You get so tired with transportations through the Shadow Realm usually, and you got to bring along all of these people and decorations?” The thing was, this wasn’t supposed to be possible. Another thing was, Lady Claire of house Nunez was so insanely talented it would had not surprised him.

The girl waved her hand in denial.

“I wish I was at that level, but no. Still, we did travel back and forth pretty quickly.”

“Without magic? How?”

“I should take offense from that highly questioning tone.” Third shock, his poor heart – he came back from the grave once, and he really didn’t recommend it. He was fairly sure the apartment he had rented didn’t include interdimensional portals opening in the middle of the living room. “And from the fact that you humans keep forgetting I invented a perfectly functioning wormhole generator. But please, continue with your predicaments, ignore the scientific feat I’ve accomplished!” For an alien that barely understood human sarcasm, Krel Tarron was made a whole half of it.

As he walked in from the portal, holding one edge of a box filled with Christmas balls, on the other side Zoe stepped in carrying along the rest. And between a black ‘I’m Back, Witches’ sweater and a gray ‘DJ Kleb’ one with four sleeves, it was one curious and fantastic view.

“Yeah yeah, you bent the rules of physics, congratulations!” Zoe’s tense tone implied that she must had heard that complain already. “Stop talking and get working, I’m going the extra mile here!”

“This doesn’t sound like a good time to have a walk.”

“For the love of…!” The pink haired girl let out a muffled scream, let go of her edge of the box – lucky for Krel to have four arms to catch it – and jumped over the master wizard to grab his shoulders. “I hate you so much, you left me alone dealing with all of these new knuckleheads! Like the local dummies weren’t enough!” The collective offended ‘Hey!’ coming from both the Akiridion and the village’s idiot – a marvel that Steve actually responded, fully aware of his status as knucklehead – was somehow even more endearing than funny.

Meanwhile Zoe was still wrinkling his favorite jacket, frowning aggressively at him like the fact that he was out there saving the world was unforgivable – you could say anything about this pink head, but not that she didn’t have priorities.

Douxie snickered, easing the hold onto him.

“Sorry for trying to give my friends a place to live in this crazy wild world, then!”

“… apologies accepted.” Zoe narrowed her eyes. “But only if we finally hunt for niffins and get those forsaken burgers after you did the deed. I’m calling dibs on you.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “Besides, you owe me. I didn’t snitch and told that Hex Tech got annihilated and we’re in need of new personnel because someone needed to hide from the big bad villains.” Those blue gems were screaming not to mess this offer up, because it was certainly not going to come back.

Even with a pressure like that, in some way inside of him, Douxie felt freed of a little weight. Despite the distance and everything that had happened, some things stayed the same. So he quite happily held up his fist, smirking at the girl.

“Alright, as soon as this is over with. Deal.” Zoe glared at him a few more seconds. Then she nodded, and finally bumped their knuckles together.

With a thud Krel finally put the box down, sighing soundly.

“Thanks Seklos this is done. I believe we are only missing the dead tree that will be then covered in artificial garnishments as a form of apparent belittlement of nature.” He stayed still for a few seconds, mindlessly throwing a little sphere on the ground that divided in four pieces, generating a portal. “… I feel like I’m getting so accustomed with humans’ savageness that I’m even quite looking forwards to it. Especially for that useless invention called ‘tree’.” He snickered, getting inside the wormhole that disappeared as soon as he was in.

Luckily the impossible dimensional gateway appeared of not leaving any trace behind. And luckily the creature – or elf, demigod, Nari was still a bit of a mystery – most connected to the nature that had just been denigrated was way more interested in whatever chef wiz Jim Lake Jr. was preparing.

“You knubhead, I just told you not to!” Archie’s spiteful voice came along, as apparently Steve had managed to take advantage of the situation – a scientific miracle happening in front of them, fair enough – to finally get himself a mince piece. Only to get slapped to the ground.  “That’s it, until these cool down you’re getting nowhere near! Douxie, out with me, we need to guard the treasure!” That was some attachment for one tray of soft and delicious little pastries.

Douxie shrugged and complied, picking up the meal under the jock’s renovated pout and heading to the balcony. The chilling air got to his nose right away, but he endured, appreciating just the tiniest breath. There was barely space for once person there.

Well, one person and his familiar. He placed the tray on the railing, making sure it didn’t fall.

“How did Jim even get the recipe?” Archie grinned.

“Well, apparently his troll friends did remember a certain meal very appreciated by humans from back then, but they have their own idea on how to make it. I don’t know the details, but I certainly know it involves socks. Plenty of socks.”

“… you want to see Steve’s reaction to them later.”

“I want to see Steve’s reaction to them later with all the others. Christmas is supposed to be a family festivity, right?” His grin disappeared right after. “So… it didn’t sound like you were sleeping too well last night.” Yep. He knew. Of course he knew. He would had even if he didn’t have to habit of sneaking into his bed to get warm. “Something you’d like to talk about?”

Douxie breathed out, gently buffing his fluffy ear.

“I’m fine Arch, not need to get all sensible on me. It was one of the usuals.” He tried a weak smile, not really feeling like keeping everything in. Not with so many people inside, on this particular day. “… you know, thinking it now, somehow it was easier celebrating Christmas on the streets back in Camelot. Getting something good to eat, have fun, that was enough. Considering how tense was everyone in the Pendragon castle it’s not much of a surprise, but still… I wonder if Merlin ever had a proper Christmas in there.” He sighed. “He certainly didn’t while I was around.” The noisy streets of Camelot overlapped NYC’s busy ones. He swallowed a lump into his throat.

That legendary town was such a faraway place right now, coming back from a single memory was a slap from reality. Douxie shivered, taking in a freezing breath, gasping when Archie jumped over his shoulder and curled all around his neck. His fur was nice and warm.

“We have no way of knowing. But one thing’s for sure, that old man got a surprising, unexpected present in any case.” Archie smiled, eyeing him softly. “One very sneaky, very foolish, very brave apprentice.” They had been there, the both of them. And in any possible way, in the good, the bad, and the best, he had found a life to call that way. The one Merlin had asked him about.

The master wizard smiled, snuggling his cheek against his loyal friend.

It didn’t take long, the winter air acted like a freezer over the little pies. But as they went back in, the place had already changed – and that was besides AAARRRGGHH!!, with one gigantic hat on his head, holding up the tree while Blinky, wearing a scarf, was reading a manual on how to decorate it, where did he even get that? –: there was a table, appeared again out of nowhere, with all the most delicious looking dishes placed all over between branches of holly and little bells. Jim and Nari were putting down the last dishes, Steve was clumsily getting the statue of a reindeer to balance over the tv, Toby was checking the lights to make sure they were functioning.

And Claire was suddenly in front of him, beaming, clearly hiding something from behind her back. It immediately grabbed everybody’s attention, like it was some sort of event.

Was it?

“We’ve organized the present exchange for after lunch, but this one you need to put it on now. So, her it is!” She uncovered the secret and- Oh. It was a sweater. It was a sweater. For him. “There you go, you’re officially part of the wool club, a Christmas-limited association only.”

“Founder of the association Nancy Domzalski, mostly because it was Nana who made them all!” Toby caressed the front of his sweater, smiling softly. “She’s that kind of grandma that thinks that everything that’s made with love can bring warmth, and I’m kind of a believer too.” He shrugged, crossing his fingers behind the back of his head. “I know this isn’t your cool punk rock wizardy style, but Nana had her midlife crisis in her own time and I’m not exactly looking forward to one before my very own eyes!” That was probably not a sight a grandchild wanted of their grandma, that was understandable.

It was. It was, right? It was getting a little hard to focus on something, anything that wasn’t a soft bundle of black and navy blue stripes, welcoming and warm, with ‘Fuzzbuckets’ written on it. It was getting weird. A little unsettling even, because he just got out in the cold but his bones weren’t freezing anymore and he felt all fuzzy inside and now his eyes were warm and-

“… oh, curse me, not the waterfalls…!” Centuries spent transitioning from hopeless bard to punk rock guitarist, only to tear up at a random surprise Christmas party.

From there, he didn’t understand much. Only Claire’s probable ‘Aww Douxie!’, Toby’s sudden ‘There’s no Christmas without the sad moment’, Steve’s surprising ‘I know what to do, come on everybody, let’s all hug it out!’. And all of the sudden he was enveloped with so many arms, so many different people he had gotten to know and had managed to befriend and appreciate. That were part of his world, his life, and what was coming for the future.

So when he managed to open his eyes, there was so much to uncover, between a pink head, a scarred eyebrow, a lock of leaves and a paw still so close to his cheek. And it hit him that perhaps there was a reason why Camelot had always felt so far away lately.

That age was over. But this, it felt like it had only begun. Douxie smiled, closing his eyes again.

Embracing how good it felt to belong again.

[solenelanza]

I am late, as usually but you are better than a shriek, I mean I can talk a lot (typing on my computer but that’s a way of expressing myself) and complain like … a French girl. So I am your open book, I settled up my diet plan and fewer 10 kgs later … Well time to explore some intolerance with famous faces and a nice one. The super model Estelle Lefèbure is one of them in her book Orahe. 

With some dozens of kilos off, how would say that I need a coach when I have a diet? Estelle Lefébure is the kind of guru or life master who gives you strength and energy when you want to give up.

But first Who is she?

The Blond woman is a model, a super model. She was part of the super star catwalk of George Michael with Linda Evangelista in Too Funky music video. Yes, the kind of girl who just put wow in you mind in adverts and fashion photo shoots. The kind of really annoying girl. Why is she so reliable? Ok she’s a beauty icon but did you know she was celiac as well? Good for her skin but what about her lifestyle? She created her brand Orahe for wellbeing and pleasure and sum med up everything in her book by Flammarion publisher. Yes, like the French Gisele Bündchen.

What did I learn with it? 

That you can be a sound mind in a sound body from morning to night. Early mo in the Kitchen with peanut butter and banana, I wish I could try this more often as how smooth and energetic it drove me for the whole day. But beauty as well. Boiled rice water – was it a thing? I mean before learning that it could be, if you leave this foggy water one day, an ultimate skin cleansing. Any drawback for this relaxing detox morning routine? Well, it’s really stressfree but you feel as dry as shirt collars…

But if you feel hot spot, you could calm down with infused water. I got the chance to receive fresh lemon from Menton and guess what. It was like strolling into citrus yard just tasting it, yes and in a beer pint, it was so much better…

What about cooking? 

You know the face of your mates when they realized that you trash gluten out of your closets. And guess what? You could have yummy greasy touch out of vegs thanks to chef selection, Claire Verneil. And when you chopped the huge kale, mixed leaves with olive oil and sunflower seeds, then put this down the oven, it felt like the sweet feeling, making your own DIY Kale crisps.

Talking about cabbage, I was relieved to taste the pistachio, cranberry and cauliflower pilaf. Quinoa and lentils give the crunchy and the smoothness of bread … OH dear…

At the end, she gives you some tips to be a sportive person. I am not sure, it was my favorite chapter. Not because of her details, but because of her ability to be stab le on a paddle board – which is a thing, but maybe not fine.

Let’s hang out together ! 

How I experienced the life of a super model I am late, as usually but you are better than a shriek, I mean I can talk a lot (typing on my computer but that’s a way of expressing myself) and complain like … a French girl.