#you just trigger that conversation so often and today you got me in a bad mood

[lazzerot]

The most tiring conversation I have regularly is explaining over and over again to friends and acquaintances I've made as an adult that no, I haven't seen/read/listened to [popular angloamerican media], no, I did not grow up with and have never seen [us-american cartoon movie/TV show], no, I haven't seen/read/listened to [media popular on my continent/in my area/in my country/during the time I was a kid/teen] either, no I don't know [celebrity], no, I haven't seen [popular movie/show] and yes, a lot of times I actually don't care enough to change anything about that either.

If I don't trust you I'll just pretend to know what you're talking about and hope the conversation moves on without you catching the pretend game and me having to have THE CONVERSATION again.

I get it, I'm weird because I don't have a regular level of pop culture knowledge. I don't care about celebrities. I get that that's not normal and challenging the status quo.

I'm just so, so tired of getting the same disbelief reaction and having the same conversation every time. Just try to remember who you're talking to. Honestly I'd actually prefer the base assumption for everything to be is that everyone doesn't know it. Makes it much less exhausting. I know that's not how societies work.

[sukeruton-san]

A Coffee Heart pt 4

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Red Robin found the apartment building his twin brother has been staying at with his adoptive parents. he is on the third floor, Apt 307, window is also unlocked.

He heads inside too investigate, he doesn't expect what he walked into.

_______________________________________________

Today has been a good day. No attacks of any kind against his person. Not to much destruction with his parents fiddling and he got a shit load of caffeine in his veins. So, it has been a good day.

" Danny-O look!!!" His dad holds up what looks like a death ray on steroids, he said so as well.

" I call it 'The Fenton Ecto-destruct' it's suppose to deconstruct ectoplasmic-entities into more of a liquid substance so we can get to the core Evan easier!!" So it is a death ray on steroids but worse because it's for the already dead.

"Cool, cool hay have you seen the plates I can't find them "

" I think there in with the ghost equipment I'll go get them!!" Dad sets down Fenton Ecto-destruct and hurries of to the makeshift lab in the spare room.

"And make the trip long" he mutters under his breath before picking up the device and takes it apart,rearranging some parts, and adding somethings aswell. Then he puts it together again placing it down where it was before.

"Found them!!" The plates get handed to him " now to test The Fenton Ecto-destruct!!!" He pulls the trigger

.

.

.

" Aww, it doesn't work, maybe I need to add more wires for the energy output!" Putting the ray in his pocket he heads back to the lab

" Don't think it will work at all with what I did to it" chuckling to himself he puts the plates in the cabinet before heading to his room for the time being half way there he feels like something isn't right

He looks around spotting an ajar window, tensing he closes it. Feeling movement to he's right he throws the nearest object to him, which is a box cutter, into a wall next to the sheepish face of Red Robin

" Ancients, you scared the shit out of me"

"Sorry, my bad "

Crossing his arms" Mind telling me why your here"

" May have over heard you conversation with your dad and got suspicious about it. Your quick with your hands it took you 10 minutes tops to rearrange the ray your dad built"

" Thank you, and sorry for disrupting your patrol or whatever you were doing " he rubs the back of his neck " you don't happen to know of places that dispose of lots of metal and equipment that don't interfere with rogues and or criminals do you, I don't want my parents interacting with anyone like that here with our stay but also don't want them in public."

The vigilante ferros his brows before stating" there's one in downtown Gotham that doesn't have much activity going on with it. Also are you okay your parents sound like rogues already and I Don't like it."

"They haven't killed anyone so far, so their fine for the most part just don't want them nere thing and or people that can make them worse then they already are."

" You haven't answered the first question tho also 'so far' isn't as reassuring as you think"

" Their fine, really" there was a ominous thump in the background " I am going to check that out, you have a good day" he hurries of too the destination the sound came from leaving a worried vigilante behind

_______________________________________________

The situation is worsening by the minute first he hears and sees the conversation between Danny and Mr. Fenton about something that can vary well kill Danny if the thing misfires. Next Danny's ability to deconstruct and rearrange or build upon things in fast pases hents that he has to do that often which means there are lots of potential weapons and or devices that can harm Danny or others aswell.

Third is that Danny knew that he was here and acted accordingly to the situation. he almost got my head with that box cutter if he didn't dodge in time. Fourth is the aparint need to keep his adoptive parents from rouges because they might learn from them when he is positive they already are rouges.

Last and most noteworthy is Danny's avoidance to answering the question if he was Okay.

He has a lot to unfold and first is the implied lab that the Fenton's are working in.

[mediocre-shark-tales]

Mexican GP

Masterlist

Trigger Warning- slow burn of increasing themes including sexism, SA, depression, and implied grooming.

The roar of engines echoed through the paddock, the familiar hum of pre-race chaos buzzing in the air. Practice sessions were in full swing, and I was doing everything I could to keep my head in the game.

The car felt decent—better than I expected on the bumpy, high-altitude track. But my focus was fraying at the edges, stretched thin by the relentless schedule and the undercurrent of tension that followed me everywhere.

Every time I stepped out of the car, Henry was there. Whether it was snide remarks about my driving, veiled insinuations about my competence, or thinly veiled flirtations that made my skin crawl, he always found a way to remind me of his presence.

“Not bad,” he said after the second practice session, his tone dripping with condescension. “But if you could push just a little harder in Turn 4, maybe you wouldn’t be so far off Fernando’s pace.”

I clenched my jaw, biting back the urge to snap at him. “Noted,” I replied curtly, forcing a smile for the sake of professionalism.

Mark and Tom tried to help where they could, offering constructive feedback and redirecting conversations when Henry’s comments veered into inappropriate territory. But their attempts were often shut down with a sharp glare or dismissive remark from Henry.

By the time media duties rolled around, my energy was already depleted. The questions from reporters were the usual mix of predictable and pointed:

“How are you feeling after your first win?”

“Do you think you can replicate that success here in Mexico?”

“What’s it like competing alongside Fernando Alonso?”

I gave them my best answers, masking my exhaustion and frustration behind a practiced smile. The last thing I needed was for anyone to catch on to how I was really feeling.

After the press conference, I bumped into Oscar and Lando in the paddock.

“You okay?” Oscar asked, his brows knitting together in concern. “You seem... off.”

“Just a rough weekend,” I said quickly, waving him off with a small smile. “I’ll bounce back.”

Lando tilted his head, studying me with a frown. “You sure? You’ve been a bit... quiet. Not your usual snarky self.”

“I’m fine,” I insisted, trying to sound more convincing than I felt. “Just tired, that’s all.”

They didn’t look entirely convinced, but they didn’t push either. I appreciated that, even as guilt churned in my stomach. I couldn’t tell them the truth. If word got out that I was struggling with Henry, it wouldn’t take long for the narrative to shift.

“She’s too sensitive.” “She can’t handle the pressure.” “She’s just a weak little girl trying to play with the big boys.”

I couldn’t risk it. Not after everything I’d worked for.

As the day dragged on, I kept my head down, burying myself in the technical briefings and debriefs, trying to drown out Henry’s presence. But no matter how hard I tried, his words clung to me like a shadow, creeping into the corners of my mind and making it harder to focus.

By the time I returned to my hotel room that evening, I felt like I was hanging on by a thread. I sank onto the bed, staring at the ceiling as exhaustion and frustration washed over me.

Tomorrow was another day, another chance to prove myself. But as much as I wanted to believe that, a small, nagging voice in the back of my mind whispered otherwise.

The paddock was already bustling when I arrived on Qualifying day. Engineers zipped back and forth, journalists hovered for quick soundbites, and the hum of engines warming up vibrated in the air. I clutched my bag a little tighter as I walked toward my garage, trying to shake off the growing pit in my stomach.

It didn’t take long for Henry to find me.

“There you are,” he said, stepping into my path with a smirk that instantly put me on edge. “Thought you’d try to sneak past me today.”

“I’m just here to do my job,” I replied, keeping my tone even as I tried to step around him.

But he didn’t move. Instead, he leaned in slightly, lowering his voice. “Oh, I know. But maybe you’d do it better if you weren’t so uptight all the time. Loosen up, Y/N. You’re not here to impress anyone, are you?”

I clenched my jaw, forcing a polite smile. “Excuse me, I need to get to the car.”

Henry finally stepped aside, but not before brushing a little too close for comfort. I made a beeline for my personal driver’s room, my sanctuary in this chaos. Once inside, I closed the door and leaned against it, letting out a shaky breath. The room wasn’t much—just a small space with a couch, a locker, and a desk—but it was mine, and more importantly, it was somewhere Henry couldn’t follow.

Every chance I got, I hid in there. Between briefings, media obligations, and prepping for Qualifying, I retreated to the room to recharge and escape his incessant remarks. But out in the paddock, there was no avoiding him.

At one point, as I was heading back from a strategy meeting, Henry was once again trailing behind me, making one of his usual inappropriate comments.

“Do you always walk this fast?” he teased, falling into step beside me. “You know, you don’t have to be so cold. A smile wouldn’t kill you.”

I bit my tongue, willing myself not to snap at him.

“Y/N!” A familiar voice cut through the tension, and I turned to see Max and Lando approaching from the opposite direction. Relief washed over me like a wave.

Max’s sharp eyes flicked between me and Henry, his expression hardening slightly. “Everything okay here?”

“Yeah, fine,” I said quickly, forcing a smile. “Just heading to the garage.”

Lando’s gaze lingered on Henry, his usual playful demeanor replaced by something more serious. “You sure? You look... tense.”

“I’m good,” I insisted, brushing it off as casually as I could. “Just a busy day, you know how it is.”

Max didn’t look convinced. He crossed his arms, his towering presence suddenly feeling like a wall between me and Henry. “If you say so.”

Henry, for his part, looked completely unfazed. “She’s just focused,” he said smoothly, flashing a grin that made my stomach churn. “That’s what we like about her.”

I shot him a warning glance before turning back to Max and Lando. “Thanks for checking in, but really, I’m fine.”

They didn’t press further, though I could feel their eyes on me as I walked away, Henry still trailing a few paces behind.

As soon as I was out of earshot, Max turned to Lando, his expression dark. “She’s not fine.”

“Yeah, no kidding,” Lando muttered, glancing after me. “Henry’s always been a bit... much, but that was something else.”

Max nodded, his jaw tightening. “We need to keep an eye on her. Something’s off.”

“Agreed,” Lando said, his usual light tone replaced with quiet determination. “Let’s make sure she knows she’s not alone anymore.”

Meanwhile, back in the garage, I settled into my driver’s room once more, trying to shake off the encounter. But the pit in my stomach only grew, a gnawing reminder that no matter how much I tried to brush it off, something had to give—and soon.

-timeskip- 

The time finally arrived for qualifying, and I felt a strange mix of relief and focus wash over me. For the first time all day, Henry had no reason to be in my orbit—he was stationed on the pit wall, his attention glued to the screens monitoring the car’s performance.

The moment I stepped into the garage and put on my helmet, it was like a switch flipped. The world outside the car didn’t matter anymore. My heart rate steadied, and my grip on the steering wheel felt like an extension of myself. The tension that had weighed on me all weekend melted away as I slid into the cockpit.

The team ran through the final checks as I got comfortable in the car. Mark’s voice came through the radio, calm and steady. “All systems are good. Just focus on the track, Y/N. You’ve got this.”

“Copy that,” I replied, my voice steady. This was my domain, the one place where no one could touch me.

The first two sessions were rough. The car felt a little twitchy, especially in Sector 2, and I struggled to find a rhythm. I pushed through, adjusting my lines and braking points with each lap, determined not to let the day’s earlier frustrations seep into my performance.

As Q3 rolled around, I could feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins. The track was alive with energy, the roar of the crowd blending with the scream of engines. This was it—the moment to make it count.

I pushed the car harder than I had all weekend, finding time in the tricky middle sector and nailing the final corner with just enough finesse to keep the lap together. When I crossed the line, my engineer’s voice crackled in my ear.

“P4, Y/N. Great job! Carlos is on pole, Max P2, Lando P3. Solid result.”

I let out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding, a small smile tugging at my lips. P4 wasn't a pole, but it was more than I had expected given the challenges of the day.

“Thanks, team,” I said, feeling a flicker of pride. “The car felt better that lap. Appreciate the hard work.”

As I brought the car back to the pits, the weight of the day began to lift. For the first time all weekend, I felt like myself again—not the woman constantly dodging Henry’s advances or the driver carrying the pressure of proving she belonged here, but just me.

I climbed out of the car, pulling off my helmet and shaking out my hair. The team greeted me with nods and claps, and I let myself enjoy the moment, however fleeting it might be.

The hotel room was quiet, save for the soft hum of the air conditioner. I let the door shut behind me with a heavy thud, kicking off my shoes and tossing my bag onto the chair in the corner. The adrenaline from qualifying had faded, leaving behind an unsettling cocktail of exhaustion and vulnerability.

The bathroom’s warm light was a stark contrast to the cool, sterile tones of the rest of the room. I turned on the shower, letting the steam fill the small space, and leaned against the counter while I waited for the water to heat up. My reflection stared back at me from the mirror, hair disheveled and dark circles starting to form under my eyes.

I pulled off my post session sweats and stepped into the shower, letting the hot water cascade over my sore muscles. It should’ve been relaxing, but my mind had other plans.

Henry’s words from earlier echoed in my head, relentless and insidious. “Maybe you’d do better if you weren’t so uptight all the time.” “You’re not here to impress anyone, are you?” “That’s what we like about her.”

The mocking tone, the smug grin—it all played on a loop, growing louder and harder to ignore. I scrubbed at my skin as if I could wash away the feeling of his gaze, the weight of his presence lingering like a stain.

I leaned against the cool tile wall, closing my eyes and taking a shaky breath. Was he right? Was I too uptight? Too focused on proving myself? My confidence, so solid on the track, seemed to crumble the moment I stepped out of the car.

After finishing the shower, I wrapped myself in a towel and padded back into the room. The steam followed me, curling into the corners of the space as I sat on the edge of the bed. My routine continued mechanically: brushing out my hair, applying lotion, slipping into comfortable clothes. Each movement was automatic, a distraction from the growing weight pressing down on my chest.

But the thoughts didn’t stop.

Henry’s words weren’t new; they echoed sentiments I’d heard my whole life. “She’s too ambitious.” “She’s too emotional.” “She’s just here for attention.”

I ran a hand through my damp hair, staring at the floor as the doubts wormed their way deeper. My reflection in the full-length mirror caught my eye again. I stood there, taking in every perceived flaw, every reason I didn’t belong.

Was I really good enough? Or was everyone just waiting for me to fail?

I sat back on the bed, pulling my knees to my chest as the self-consciousness gnawed at me. The pride I’d felt earlier, qualifying P4 in a tough session, felt like a distant memory. All I could think about was how much more I had to prove, how many people were waiting to say, “I told you so.”

The loneliness of the room wrapped around me like a shroud. I wanted to cry, to scream, to break something—but instead, I sat there in silence, letting the doubts and insecurities seep into every corner of my mind.

Tomorrow was another day, another fight. But tonight, the weight of it all felt unbearable.

A soft knock at the door broke through the silence of the room. I froze, startled out of my spiraling thoughts. Who would be coming to my room now? Cautiously, I approached the door, glancing through the peephole. Relief washed over me as I saw familiar faces. Hannah and Liam.

I opened the door, and they greeted me with matching grins, Liam holding up a bag that smelled suspiciously like burgers. “Surprise!” he said, stepping past me into the room.

Hannah followed, balancing a tote bag that clinked faintly with the sound of bottled drinks. “We figured you could use some company,” she said, her voice warm and understanding.

“I—uh, yeah,” I said, stepping back to let them in. “Come on in.”

They didn’t wait for a second invitation, making themselves at home. Liam pulled a blanket off the bed and spread it across the floor, creating an impromptu picnic spot, while Hannah unpacked the food.

“We brought burgers, fries, and milkshakes,” Hannah said, glancing over her shoulder with a teasing smile. “Your favorites, right?”

I nodded, touched by the gesture. “Yeah, they are. Thanks, guys.”

We settled onto the floor, the hotel room’s TV playing a cheesy rom-com in the background. For a while, we just ate and talked about everything but racing—joking about Liam’s terrible taste in movies and Hannah’s overly dramatic reactions to every plot twist.

But I could feel their eyes on me, watching closely, their usual banter tinged with a hint of concern.

“So,” Liam said after a pause, leaning back on his hands, “how’s everything going? You’ve been quieter than usual this weekend.”

I hesitated, swirling my straw in my milkshake. “It’s... been a lot,” I admitted carefully. “The pressure from the team is just... a lot to deal with, you know?”

Hannah tilted her head, her expression soft. “You’ve been under pressure since day one, Y/N. This feels different.”

I bit my lip, avoiding their gazes. “It’s just... the expectations. They’ve grown. It’s like... like I have to be perfect all the time. I can’t mess up. Can’t let anyone down.”

The words slipped out before I could stop them, and I froze when I realized I’d echoed something Henry had said earlier in the week.

“Can’t let anyone down,” Hannah repeated, her brow furrowing slightly. “Who’s been saying that to you?”

“N-no one,” I said quickly, shaking my head. “It’s just how I feel. It’s nothing, really.”

Liam exchanged a glance with Hannah but didn’t push. Instead, he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Y/N, you’ve always been good at handling the pressure. But if someone’s making you feel like you’re not good enough, screw them.”

“Yeah,” Hannah chimed in, her voice firm. “You’ve earned your place here. Don’t let anyone make you think otherwise.”

I smiled faintly, grateful for their support, but their words only made the guilt churn in my stomach. I couldn’t tell them the truth. Not yet.

By the end of the night, as we laughed over the absurd ending of the movie and polished off the last of the fries, the tension in my chest had eased slightly. But I could tell Hannah and Liam were still worried. They hadn’t figured out who was getting into my head, but they knew someone was.

As they stood to leave, Hannah gave me a quick hug. “We’re here, okay? For anything.”

“Thanks,” I murmured, meaning it.

Liam lingered in the doorway, his usual teasing grin replaced by something softer. “Don’t forget, Y/N. You’ve got a whole grid of people who’ve got your back, whether you like it or not.”

I nodded, watching as they walked down the hallway.

Liam and Hannah walked down the hallway in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. It wasn’t until they turned the corner, safely out of earshot from Y/N’s room, that Liam finally spoke.

“She’s not telling us everything,” he said, running a hand through his hair in frustration. “I know her. She always tries to deal with things alone when it gets bad.”

Hannah nodded, her expression serious. “Yeah. She slipped up a couple of times, repeating things someone else must’ve said. ‘Can’t let anyone down’? That didn’t sound like her.”

As they reached the lobby, they spotted Max Verstappen leaning against a wall, scrolling through his phone. He looked up as they approached, immediately straightening when he caught their expressions.

“What’s going on?” Max asked, tucking his phone away.

Hannah glanced around to make sure no one else was listening before answering. “We went to check on Y/N. She’s not okay, Max. She’s brushing it off as team pressure, but it’s more than that. Someone’s in her head.”

Max’s jaw tightened, his gaze darkening. “I thought so. I saw something earlier—her engineer. He was following her around the paddock like a shadow, making her visibly uncomfortable. She tried to act like everything was fine, but I could tell it wasn’t. The guy’s overly demanding, crossing the line from professional to... something else.”

Liam crossed his arms, his frustration bubbling over. “Why didn’t you say something sooner?”

Max shot him a pointed look. “What was I supposed to do? Accuse someone without knowing the full story? She’d hate that. But now I’m starting to think it’s worse than I realized.”

Hannah hesitated, her eyes narrowing slightly. “Do you think... it’s more than just workplace harassment?”

“What do you mean?” Liam asked, frowning.

Hannah shifted uncomfortably, lowering her voice. “What if he’s grooming her? I mean, the way she described his comments—they weren’t just about her performance. They sounded... personal. Like he’s trying to break her down, make her feel dependent on him.”

Max’s fists clenched at his sides, his anger barely contained. “If that’s what’s happening—if he’s trying to manipulate her into something worse—he’s going to regret it.”

Liam nodded, his jaw set. “We need to keep an eye on her. If she won’t talk to us, we have to make sure she’s not alone with him as much as possible.”

Hannah sighed, worry etched across her face. “And if we’re wrong? What if it’s just the pressure getting to her?”

Max’s voice was cold, determined. “Then we’ll still have her back. But if we’re right, he’s done. No one messes with one of us like that. Especially not her.”

The trio stood in silence for a moment, a shared understanding passing between them. Y/N might not have asked for their help, but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t give it.

“She’s not going to like this,” Liam said finally, shaking his head.

Max smirked, though his eyes remained hard. “She’ll thank us later. Or she won’t. Either way, we’re not letting this slide.”

With that, they split off, each silently vowing to protect her, no matter what it took.

As they parted ways, Max pulled out his phone, his fingers flying across the screen as he composed a message. He wasn’t one to stir the pot unnecessarily, but this was different. Y/N was part of their grid family now, and family looked out for each other.

Max Verstappen (Group Chat: "Grid Gossip")Guys, we need to talk about something serious.

The chat, typically filled with memes, jokes, and random banter, immediately grew quiet. The typing bubbles from multiple drivers popped up almost instantly.

Lando Norris:What’s going on?

Charles Leclerc:Serious? Coming from you, Max?

Lewis Hamilton:What’s happening?

Max sighed, leaning against the wall, and continued typing.

Max Verstappen:It’s about Y/N. I’ve noticed her engineer, acting really off with her. Following her around, being overly demanding, and making comments that clearly make her uncomfortable. Liam, Hannah, and I think it might be more than just workplace stuff.

George Russell:More than workplace stuff? Like harassment?

Max Verstappen:Maybe. Hannah thinks it might even be grooming. The way he’s breaking her down, it’s not normal. She won’t tell us what’s really going on, but it’s affecting her. Badly.

Lando Norris:I’ve seen him hovering too. She tries to brush it off, but you can tell she’s not okay.

Carlos Sainz:This is serious. What’s the plan?

Lewis Hamilton:We can’t just sit back and do nothing. We need to be careful, though. If we push too hard, it might make things worse for her.

Max Verstappen:Agreed. For now, we keep an eye on her. Make sure she’s not alone with him. And if he crosses the line again, we step in. Hard.

Charles Leclerc:I’ll talk to her if I get the chance. Maybe she’ll open up to me.

George Russell:Or me. She’s close with a few of us. If we all subtly check in, she might feel comfortable enough to tell one of us.

Lando Norris:And if she doesn’t? What if she keeps trying to handle it alone?

Max Verstappen:Then we protect her anyway. She is not going to fight this by herself, this engineer holds to much over her. 

The group chat lit up with agreements, each driver vowing to do their part.

As Max slipped his phone back into his pocket, a small weight lifted from his chest. Y/N wasn’t alone in this, whether she realized it yet or not. The grid had her back, and together, they’d make sure no one—least of all Henry—could tear her down.

[archiveofmyownatsixinthemorning]

One Night in Bangkok

***

“Wanna go out?”

Saxon looked up from his cell phone in disbelief. „Huh?“ He definitely must have misheard.

Lochy leaned at the door, his hands in his pockets. “We didn't have time to see Bangkok on the way here.”

“What??” His pulse shot up in milliseconds. “How can you want to go out after everything that's happened? Dad is going to prison!”

Lochy shrugged his shoulders. “He could stay here, in Thailand.”

This was – “Loch, we've lost everything! I have lost everything!”

Lochy shrugged his shoulders again as if none of this were a problem. “Then what's the point of squatting here in the room? Maybe it'll take your mind off it.”

“Take your mind off it???” Saxon grimaced in complete disbelief. “What is wrong with you?”

As so often, his little brother just looked at him out of his big doe eyes. But something in his gaze was different than usual. “You know, I almost died today.”

Okay, now Lochy was apparently completely out of his mind. When was this supposed to have happened?

“I made myself a protein shake,” his brother continued calmly and unperturbed. “Apparently it still had some of the coconut milk in it, which was bad, you know. I vomited, passed out... Dad said he held me for minutes and thought I was dead.”

The naivety of his little brother was sometimes unbelievable. “You don't die from bad coconut milk!”

Lochy shrugged again. “Maybe in combination with the protein stuff...”

Saxon shook his head in frustration about Lochy, but said nothing more. Because something in him was triggered by this conversation, this thought of his little brother in danger, that made him afraid. Even terrified him.

Their dad appeared behind Lochy in the doorway. “Do me a favor and go outside for a bit. We can’t… ”

Had they all gone mad now? “Dad, I can't go out now! Do you think I can just have fun and pretend nothing's wrong?”

His dad sighed. “There's no point sitting here in the hotel room. You need to eat and I think your brother could do with a bit of company.” He looked briefly but worriedly at Lochy, which confused Saxon even more. “Come on… Please. Go get something nice to eat.”

Saxon rolled his eyes, they were all crazy here! Their world was coming to an end and they should go out for a nice meal! “Fine!” He threw his cell phone on the bed. Fuck it! If nobody cared then everything really didn't matter at all.

***

Lochy was somehow more eager than usual. He seemed to have a goal. While Saxon would have just gone to the nearest restaurant, Lochy seemed to want to go somewhere.

Saxon walked dully after him. His head was either too full or too empty to make any decisions. But he had to admit, the more they got into busy areas, the more the hustle and bustle captivated him. All the people, all the colourful lights, the still foreign-sounding music coming from all the stores, the spicy smells of the food on the street, the sultry air... It washed over his brain cells and made him drift. Every now and then Lochy turned to look at him, his glare widening each time, losing the sadness, beginning to glow instead, and Saxon wondered why some things were the way they were and not otherwise.

And then they were apparently there, walking into a blinking bar and only when they sat down on a soft, plush sofa and it glittered all around them, from decorations to people, did Saxon realize where Lochy had dragged him.

“A gay bar?” he asked snidely. But Lochy didn't seem to mind the snideness, he just beamed at his brother. “Martinis?”

“Well, anything but a pina colada,” he answered dryly.

Lochy laughed with joy and Saxon wished he was Lochy at that moment. You really had to be naïve enough not to care about what was happening to their family. And while Lochy ordered the martinis, shy and bold at the same time, and looked around the bar curiously and enthusiastically, just looking so happy, Saxon could only stare at him.

Lochy returned the gaze. “I think that's what people mean about near-death experiences. Afterwards, you kind of feel like you've been reborn.”

His little brother was truly incorrigible. “And that near-death experience also told you that you were gay now?”

Lochy shrugged his shoulders. “I don't know... But maybe I'll find out.”

Just at that moment, a scantily clad waiter in hot pants and a tank top and a mega toned body brought the drinks. He winked at Lochy with an “Enjoy, huns” and when Saxon saw Lochy's proud grin because of that, there was a feeling deep inside him again... It couldn't be jealousy, so maybe it was something like envy? Envy of being as carefree and free as Lochy?

“Ey, dude...You can't be serious!” It was meant to sound derogatory, but secretly Saxon was actually glad that there was an impressed tone to it. He knew that his brother needed more affection. Otherwise, perhaps certain things wouldn’t have happened... Lochy grinned mischievously, “Why not?” and held out his martini glass for him to clink glasses.

His shy little brother, happy in a gay bar.

It was all crazy shit here, Saxon couldn't help but laugh and clinked glasses with Lochy.

The bar was jam-packed with good-looking, well-trained guys and Saxon realized how this somehow unsettled him. He just wasn't used to it. He had always been the best-looking guy in the room. It was laughable that it intimidated him somehow now, but that was probably also simply due to the fact that he had just lost his entire life. If he didn't even stand out with his appearance now, what else did he have in his life? He looked at Lochy. A half-naked guy was leaning down and whispering something in his ear that made Lochy giggle. Lochy, 18, who had his whole life ahead of him. It had to be envy.

Another half-naked guy slid onto the sofa next to Saxon. Why did they all have to walk around here half-naked? “Hey, handsome,” the stranger whispered in his ear, his arm on Saxon's shoulder, his hand in Saxon's hair and Saxon was almost about to jump up. But somehow he was too tired for that, so he just raised his hands defensively instead. “Sorry, not interested, I'm just here for my brother.”

The stranger smirked. “Your brother?”

Saxon was unnerved, “What's there to smirk about?”

The stranger shrugged his shoulders. “Because you only seem to have eyes for your brother.”

Saxon took a deep breath. “Unfortunately, since there are no half-naked women here and I'm not into men, there's just not much to look at.”

The stranger nodded, but it was the nod of someone who doesn't believe you.

Saxon had to close his eyes for a second. Where was his defense? But it was all too much somehow. Could he be blamed? When he opened his eyes again, the stranger was looking at him sympathetically. He felt a thumb gently stroking the back of his neck.

“The world is going down the drain and people get upset when people love each other.... It's not really a problem, you know. Especially not here.”

He knew he should have told him how he felt about that bullshit insinuation, but for a second Saxon just wanted to let himself fall. Just let himself fall. With his thumb on the back of his neck. He was so tired. From everything.

The stranger rummaged in the pockets of his tight hot pants and a moment later held a small pill in front of Saxon’s mouth. “Here, love. You need it.”

It didn't matter now, did it? Everything was so irrelevant.

So he simply took the pill.

He saw the stranger offer Lochy and his guy pills too, they both laughed, popped them in each other's mouths and then kissed. His little brother Lochy was kissing some guy he didn’t know and Saxon was watching.

He was the most pathetic and sickest asshole there was.

The pill kicked in very quickly, but Saxon had the feeling it didn't seem as strong as the time before. Maybe it was because he hadn't been drinking as much alcohol. But to be honest, he didn't even know what he had taken. So much for it not mattering.

He simply leaned back into the sofa, not caring in the slightest that the stranger had put his arm around him and rested his head on his shoulders. They lay there like a couple in front of the TV and looked over at Lochy, having fun.

Lochy laughing with the guy, making out with him and looking at Saxon from time to time, happy and proud somehow.

It was impossible to put into words how Saxon felt. But since he didn't care, he didn't even try. The drugs and the stranger at his side did the rest. In his head, feelings of longing for closeness, warmth, security, safety, for a strong bond mixed with the images of Lochy kissing him, running his fingers through his hair, jerking him off. And he just let it go.

Saxon didn't know how much time had passed, but eventually Lochy crawled over to him and whispered in his ear. “Let's go.”

Saxon frowned. “What? Why? The guy thinks you're hot! Go for it, man! Don't mind me. My brain is fried anyway.”

Lochy tilted his head and grinned so warmly at him that he could almost have started crying. Closeness, safety.

The stranger next to Saxon beckoned Lochy over. He heard him say something like “Need a room?” or something similar and somehow Saxon was even happy for Lochy that he was going to get laid by this guy after all. At least one of their family should be happy. Even if only in some dirty hole in Bangkok.

They exchanged keys and money and then Lochy suddenly held out his hand to Saxon. “Come.”

Saxon grimaced questioningly. “No! You and this hot guy...”

Lochy smiled at him again. “I think you need a bed. Come on.”

Saxon sighed. Apparently he was more over it than he thought. And where was Lochy's guy even? And where was his guy?

Lochy heaved him up, then somehow out of the bar, into the hallway, up the stairs. When Lochy unlocked the door, he started laughing out loud, the room was just a rickety bed, the bed as big as the room, the room as big as the bed. A big fan on the ceiling. That was it.

It looked run-down and Saxon was amazed that he felt no aversion to it. It kind of suited him, didn't it? As run-down as he was.

Lochy gently pushed him onto the bed and closed the door behind them. “Well, that's a contrasting program, isn't it? We can practice for our new life.”

Saxon groaned. Why did Lochy have no problems with this at all?

Lochy lay down next to him and looked at Saxon, caring. “You ok?”

Damn Lochy… No. “Why aren't you with the guy? I... I don't mind if you're gay. You're still my little brother, ok?”

“Well, if I am, then I'm probably more bisexual...” And since when did his brother defend himself?

“And secondly, I'd rather have kissed someone else...”

Saxon swallowed. The fan on the ceiling squeaked and shook. None of it mattered. The world was going down. So he hesitantly asked, “Do you want to do it again?”

Lochy looked at him, closeness, safety, security and uncertainty, love, then nodded slowly and leaned toward Saxon.

Saxon held his breath.

None of it mattered.

Then their lips met.

It was just like the first time. Electrifying. It was painful to admit, but it had so much more meaning than any kiss before. He felt like he could let himself go for the first time in his life. Just let go. And he let himself fall.

Like the first time, Lochy was incredibly bold and as weird as it might seem, Saxon just gave himself to him. Lochy kissed him, his tongue meeting his, and Saxon responded because that was what he wanted to do. He liked the battle, he liked Lochy’s boyish eagerness. He didn't know how long they kissed, but soon he felt Lochy's fingertips gliding over his body, he felt Lochy's lips on his neck, on his skin, he just let it happen. Everything.

He had a major hard-on, he didn't mind. He enjoyed Lochy's closeness, his love for him, Lochy's hand on his cock and Lochy's hard-on brushing against his leg.

“Turn around,” Lochy said softly at one point.

Saxon gasped, startled and aroused. “No!” That was going too far! How could Lochy seriously... He only hoped Lochy hadn't realized how much the thought had aroused him.

But Lochy apparently had noticed the arousal, because he smiled at him and ignored the protest. His lips close to his ear, whispering, “Think about how it will make you feel… My tongue...” Fuck! Saxon moaned, he couldn't help it. And Lochy almost giggled, smiled. “Come on, I know you'll love it, Sax...” That fucking doe look.

Saxon closed his eyes. He had always been afraid. He had given himself so much tits and pussy 24/7 that he couldn’t even have thought about anything else. For his sake, everyone should do as they pleased, but not him, Saxon.

Lochy was nestling his neck, while his hand was pumping Saxon’s cock. “Please, Sax, let me try it, let me please you, let me love you. You know, I'll make it good for you. I know it. And you know it, too, right? Just this once.”

Just this once, because the world was coming to an end anyway. With little protest left Saxon rolled over onto his stomach and Lochy thanked him with kisses, on his shoulders, down his spine, lower and lower, ever lower. Just this once! Saxon closed his eyes, his pelvis ready to rise up to meet. He felt Lochy's hands on his butt cheeks, felt his butt cheeks being pulled apart and he groaned loudly as he felt Lochy's warm, wet tongue at his entrance. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! He clawed his fingers into the sheet and moaned again and again as Lochy licked and tongued him, after some time additionally taking his thumb and massaging him, pushing slightly over the threshold and again Saxon almost panicked at what might come next. Not that too. But it all felt so good, why did it have to feel so fucking good?

“Just this once, it's between us,” Lochy whispered to him.

Just this once, just trying it out, and honestly, they'd gone so far now, it didn't make any difference after all, did it?

Lochy gently said “turn around” again and this time Saxon turned around without hesitation. Which wasn't to say he wasn't scared, he was panicking. It was ridiculous, he was ridiculous. What had become of him?

Lochy was above him, smiling at him, calming him down. “We don't have to go all the way... Just far enough for you to feel things you've never felt before.”

Saxon nodded slowly and relaxed as Lochy covered his upper body with kisses, this time moving further and further down his front. Towards his throbbing cock.

Lochy laughed nervously. “I hope I'm doing it right. This is different from a handjob...”

Saxon laugh hoarsely, too. But before he could even think about how incredibly pure and innocent Lochy was, Lochy had already his cock in his mouth and was sucking on it with such abandon that Saxon could only groan out loud. He was going to rot in hell, if that wasn't already clear.

“How much fucking porn did you watch to be this good?” he gasped in honest awe and he could see how proud Lochy was that he could satisfy his big brother so skillfully.

But if Saxon thought that was it for Lochy's boldness and wickedness, he was wrong. He saw Lochy briefly let go of his cock to wet his index and middle fingers, to then boldly shoving them between Saxon's ass cheeks. And this time the threshold was definitely crossed.

Fuck!

It also didn't take long for Lochy to find that spot that made Saxon feel things he'd never felt before and it made his body tremble, writhing with ecstasy. That feeling added to Lochy's hot, wet and way too skilled mouth around his cock, it was just too much.

“Lochy...!”

He wouldn't be able to hold back much longer. He wanted to warn him.

“Loch-...”

But somehow it had been clear that Lochy wanted to try what it was like.

Saxon came, came in Lochy's mouth, Lochy swallowed, coughed and laughed while Saxon struggled for breath and seeing his brother that happy it already hurt his soul that he wouldn't be able to love Lochy the way he deserved.

Lochy, his adorable little brother.

He needed to love him at least tonight.

Still laughing, Lochy dropped onto the bed and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

Saxon turned to him, “Come here.”

Lochy crawled closer to him, they looked into each other's eyes, safety and love, and Saxon cupped Lochy's hard cock with his hand. A small, pleasurable stretch in response, his nose wrinkling in pleasure, that was all it took to make Saxon's heart grow even heavier. He placed his other hand on Lochy's cheek as he slowly began to pump him. “You did good, Lochy.” “Yeah?” Lochy smiled proudly at him. “Yes, you did very good.” Saxon ran his finger over Lochy's cheek, stroking it before sliding his thumb between Lochy's lips. “You made me come so hard. You are a very good boy, Lochy,” Lochy moaned and began to suck Saxon's thumb while humping in Saxon's hand. What a sight! Saxon thought about how Lochy would make so many gays happy, his little pure brother, a cute little puppy and a horny twink, and then Lochy's body already shook, Lochy's head snapped back with a gasp and Saxon felt Lochy's warm, sticky cum on his hand.

He resisted the impulse to kiss Lochy.

It was already enough that he had brought Lochy to orgasm. That was now a fact.

But the bigger problem was that he wanted to do it again. In every conceivable way.

Lochy laid his head against Saxon's chest and Saxon put his arm around Lochy, softly stroking his hair. Lochy's pulse slowly calmed, his breathing became more even and a short time later he fell asleep.

And Saxon wasn't sure if he would ever be able to sleep again with all the thoughts running through his head.

***

Saxon had slept, but really badly.

When he saw Lochy sleeping next to him, so peaceful and innocent, Saxon had to close his eyes for a moment, he felt extremely dizzy. What the fuck had they done? Again!

He got out of bed, went into the 1 square 1 meter bathroom and washed Lochy's dried cum off his hand.

He felt sick again, he had the urge to vomit again. But he now knew why. It wasn’t Lochy, he wasn’t disgusted by Lochy. It was the fear of what it would mean. And the knowing that there was no solution to it. What was to happen now? How the hell was everything supposed to go on now?

He washed his face, but the lukewarm water didn't cool him down and certainly didn't solve anything.

When he stood in front of the bed again, Lochy looked at him out of sleepy eyes, mumbling a soft “Morning”. His brother was cute, that could be said objectively. Still...

Saxon sighed, “Lochy, yesterday… We can't-”

But Lochy interrupted him directly, “We said, it was one night only, right?”

Saxon nodded, too astonished to say anything about this prompt and strict statement. “Yeah... right.” Just this once. “So... we are good?”

Lochy pushed aside the sheet to crawl out of bed. “Yeah, sure.”

Naked as he was, he squeezed past Saxon into the bathroom. Saxon looked after him before Lochy let the door fall shut.

Okay.

Saxon tried to gather his thoughts as his clothes. He hadn't expected Lochy to react so indifferently. Maybe there was something to the near-death experience after all and he had changed somehow.

But then everything was fine.

Wasn’t it?

***

A short time later, they stepped out onto the street.

Lochy squinted into the sun, “Oh God, way too bright!”

A good-looking guy came towards them, winked at Saxon and turned to look at him again as he passed.

Lochy laughed and pulled on his sunglasses. “You've got a whole new set of options now. Loads of possibilities.”

Saxon laughed too and ruffled Lochy's hair.

What the hell had happened?

He realized that somehow Lochy had pleased him in more than one way.

He had shown him a new side of himself.

And he had shown him... love.

Saxon didn’t know what was going to happen.

In every way it would be a new beginning.

It wouldn’t be bright, it wouldn’t be easy.

But who knows: maybe he would manage to combine both love and sex.

*

[lightofraye]

In Memoriam

Before I proceed, I want to put warnings--content/trigger warnings. In this post, there will be references to cancer (also, fuck cancer), death, biological processes, grief/loss.

When we think of cancer, when we speak of it, I've noticed often times the phrase "evil", "monster", or some other dark term is used. Because it seems to be such a merciless, cruel thing to happen to people. It seems to strike without reason, taking the best and worst of us, young or old....

Today marks 18 years since my mother passed away from cervical cancer. She didn't have to die, not really. In a way, she chose to.

You see, my mother had an intense mistrust of "mainstream" medicine. I'm not sure where it came from, honestly. It was... it was a slow conversion. She kept turning to alternative means to treat problems, mainly our day-to-day diet (lord, we went vegan, Atkins-like before Atkins was widely known anyway), and various other kinds to "cure" our ailments, never accepting that some things can't be fixed by diet alone!). Then she kind of went off the deep end....

When she learned she had serious fibroids, she decided to try different "healing" creams to balance out her hormones, convinced it'd "dissolve" the fibroids. When she began to have heavy, intense bleeding, she chalked it up to the fibroids and not other issues.

Such as an abnormal pap smear test result... that she never followed up on.

It'd continue for years.

She even turned to an alternative doctor who told her yes, he saw the fibroids... but he also saw some seriously bad stuff. This doctor told my mother to go see her ob-gyn and get this checked out.

She wouldn't... up until she collapsed from the heavy bleeding in a grocery store bathroom stall. She finally turned to mainstream medicine, got it checked, got the biopsy....

It was Stage 2 cervical cancer.

She was referred to an oncologist. He, of course, brought up chemo and radiation. She refused, wanting to try alternative treatments first. He accused her of having a death wish (I was there, I wish I was joking!). He basically burned that bridge with that approach.

I can't help but think that... if he had said "Okay, I'll work with you. How about we monitor the cancer as you try it for a couple of months? If there's no improvement, will you try chemo and radiation then?"

Maybe she would've accepted it. I don't know.

So she turned to "mistletoe extract" injections. For a little bit, it looked like it was working. She was doing better.

Then... she developed increasing pain in her right leg. The doctor who originally told her to go see her ob-gyn stressed to her it was likely her cancer growing and getting worse. She didn't listen.

Then... she had increasing pain. Increasing issues. She got thinner... paler. She was so stubborn. There's numerous trips to the ER where they just prescribed her pain killers and sent her on her way. It took a referral to a specialist (I can't remember what they handled, maybe a different oncologist?)... and the blunt message.

"You're terminal."

I wept. My mother... she was just resigned. She transferred to home hospice care. She didn't want to die in a strange building. So my elder brother and I--we were living with her at the time--took turns caring for her.

She stopped eating. Stopped drinking. She's put on IV fluids and a kind of controlled dilaudid treatment. One night... it's as if she's aware. Her mind was going. She said her final goodbyes.

Then it's just her shell, her body, for two and a half weeks, that lingers, stubbornly. I'm the only one who was there who witnessed her last passage, the "death throes".

February 8, 2007. Just a few weeks shy of my 27th birthday.

She never got to see me graduate from college. She never got to see me married.... or divorced. She never saw me become a mother. She never saw me become a survivor, a fighter. So many things.

I have her eyes, I'm told. A deep brown with a starburst iris. My son has those eyes too. I resemble her greatly, I'm told. I don't have her curly hair... or her thinner nose.

Instead, she gave me her creativity, her love of art and writing. She loved books and reading. She loved cats as well, which I definitely inherited.

She had a lot of regrets... and sorrows.

I don't know if there is an afterlife. My relationship with God (or the Divine or whatever you want to call it) is complicated, to say the least. If there is, I hope I see her... and have the conversations we never had but should've while she was alive.

I miss you, mom. So very much.

[ficsandgiggles]

Regretful Words (Kate Bishop x Yelena Belova)

Kate says something to Yelena which triggered her into shutting herself away, so it’s up to Kate to make things up to her. (Word count: 988)

Kate Bishop and Yelena Belova haven’t seen eye to eye since the moment they met, but it was understandable considering what had happened with Yelena’s sister, Natasha, which sparked conflict between Yelena and Clint, which meant Kate was also on the list of people Yelena would be cold with, despite everything working out since Natasha came back alive.

The two often bickered a lot, about simple things such as not washing up their own things or leaving the bag of dog food out on the counter. However today, Kate was actually the one that took it too far, she got angry and said something which had triggered Yelena.

“I swear you were nicer when your sister was dead.” Kate snarled at her, the two were arguing about whose turn it was to clean up the dog mess in the garden. Yelena simply shrugged it off and said it was Kate’s turn and that she was busy trying to get things done she had put off as she had just come out of a depressive episode.

This frustrated Kate, who was already in a bad mood, and snapped at her for not doing her share of looking after the dogs, which caused an argument which led to Kate saying that statement.

There was a long moment of silence, Yelena’s eyes went from angry to sadness with a hint of defeat, tears brimmed her eyes as she got the poop bags and brushed Kate out the way, clearing up the dog mess and disposing of it before quickly washing her hands and heading to her room.

Kate continued to stand there, allowing herself to calm down and process what had just happened, reliving the conversation in her head before it dawned on her that she said something truly awful, which was likely to send Yelena back into a depressive state if she didn’t do something now.

She briefly knocked on Yelena’s bedroom door before letting herself in, guilt running through her as she saw the blonde laying on her side on the bed with her back to the door.

“Yelena I’m so sorry I didn’t-“

“Save it, Kate. I’m sorry I am less nice now my sister is alive. Perhaps she will be taken away from me again so I am nicer.”

“No… no Yelena I didn’t mean it I just got heated in the moment… I’m sorry…” Kate tried, rushing to Yelena’s side and putting a hand on her arm, attempting to be comforting.

“It is done now, just leave me alone so I can just lay in this room forever and hate myself.” Yelena murmured, her back still to Kate, who was rubbing her arm hesitantly.

Kate bit her lip, whacking her brains trying to think of a way to cheer Yelena up. She didn’t like her baking, she hasn’t been up for pulling pranks recently, and their dog walks had just been plain awkward.

Suddenly, she had an idea. There have been multiple occasions where Kate had peered into the living room to see Natasha straddling her sister, grinning down at her as she dug into her ribs. Helpless laughter was coming from the blonde as she continuously shoved at her sisters hands.

It was pretty adorable to watch, and Kate was more than willing to try it herself.

The archer let out a sigh. “Fine, I guess I have no choice but to cheer you up.” She told her, before digging into the blondes ribs, shaking in between the bones.

Yelena had no idea that was coming, she let out a yelp and rolled so she was laying on her belly, giving Kate the opportunity to jump on Yelena’s back, pinning the young Widow on her belly before shaking into her ribs.

“If you won’t accept my apology I’ll just cheer you up!” Kate announced, a little surprised that Yelena was so sensitive but loving it.

“Kahahahate Bihihihishop I will ehehend yohohou!” Yelena cackled out as she thrashed helplessly, her hands flying back to try and bat Kate’s hands away.

“Aw but this is fun!” Kate whined, moving quickly down to her sides and squeezing in rapidly, causing Yelena to yelp and buck, trying to throw Kate off now as she screeched with giggles.

“IHIHIHIT IS NOHOHOT!” She protested, shaking her head helplessly as she flopped around like a fish out of water.

Kate just grinned, finding this quite adorable. She suddenly felt someone watching, and she looked over to see Natasha smiling fondly, she then lifted her own arm and pointed underneath it with a smirk.

The archer immediately got the message and suddenly dug her fingers into Yelena’s armpits, the sudden change causing Yelena to gasp and cackle with helpless laughter.

“NOHOHOHO THIHIHIS IS MEHEHEAN!” Yelena whined out and squeezed her arms against her sides.

“Well now I’m trapped, silly.” Kate chuckled and scribbled in, trying to find methods that made Yelena laugh the most, she eventually went with the rougher method of drilling her fingers in.

Yelena cackled with laughter, shaking her head as she kicked out. “NOHOHOHO WHY?!” She yelled out, shaking her head into the pillow as she kept thrashing.

“Because I want to cuter you up since I said a mean thing!” Kate replied, grinning at the sight. Eventually though, she could tell Yelena was out of breath so let her go. The archer beamed proudly as she flopped on Yelena’s back, laying on her.

“You are… unbelievably mean Kate Bishop.” Yelena huffed out, but smiling shyly into the pillow, the physical grounding of her friend also strongly benefiting her.

“Hm, I don’t think you hated it, but are we even now? Do you forgive me?” Kate asked, really hoping Yelena would say yes, as that would help her too.

Yelena then smirked a little into the pillow, reaching back to squeeze Kate’s knees, causing her to flinch and let out a little giggle.

“Oh we’ll be even… after this…”

[sickly-qt]

I Promise it's Worth It.

Here I am again, with one post that no one asked for even though I have So Many asks I could work on.

I started this way long ago and hated it and then re-read it and realized it wasn't that bad and finished it.

I did not proofread this so I apologize for any typos.

*fades away back into the shadows*

~~~

Finn was painfully aware that one of Drew’s triggers was the smell of seafood, just how he was painfully aware that his girlfriend was trying her best to be a trooper and make it through this corporate event that so happened to have a seafood section to the buffet. 

She was making polite conversation with his coworkers and putting up a very good front that she wasn’t wildly nauseous that no one seemed to see through but him.

“How are you holding up?” He asked when the other couples at their table got up to get seconds.

“Not great, I might take a minute and get some fresh air.” She leaned back in her chair and smoothed her dress out.

He put his hand on her thigh and rubbed her leg, “Okay, Love. Text me if you need anything, I’m sure I can make an exit if need be.”

“I just need some air, I’ll be right back.” She got up and leaned over his shoulder to give him a peck on the cheek. 

Finn watched as she walked away, getting lost in the crowd of people on her way out.

Drew was rather miserable, but she was trying to power through for the sake of Finn. It wasn’t very often that she had to put on her good girlfriend hat in front of his coworkers. Today was a rough day to begin with, she was nauseous and tired and her feet hurt in her stupid heels that she decided to wear. 

“Shit, Fuck.” She mumbled to herself after rolling her ankle on the stairs, pulling her heels off and walking over to a bench in bare feet. She dropped her shoes onto the bench and promptly bent over the bushes, losing whatever dinner she had managed to eat. 

She crouched down, pulling her hair out of her face with one hand and steadying herself on the bench with her other hand. “Jules, it’s fine if you can’t get her to take a bath. Just get her to bed and Mila and I will handle the bath tomorrow.” 

Fuck, Drew thought to herself. The last thing she wanted was to be caught puking at another one of Finn’s work events.

“Hi, Bug. Can you be the best girl and just go to bed for Juli? Daddy and Mila will be home later, but after you’re sleeping okay? Alright, I love you Bug, be good for Juli.” 

Drew froze where she was hoping that whoever was on the phone wouldn’t notice her. 

“Yeah Jules, just pick your battles, try and get her to bed and Mila and I will be home in like two hours at the most.”

Her stomach had other ideas though and she burped softly, more watery puke splattered into the dirt in front of her.

“Okay Jules, uh yeah, I have to go. Text me if she keeps giving you issues.”

Drew swore in her head as she heard footsteps coming toward her.

“Shit, uhm are you okay?” he asked, walking up beside her and putting a hand on her back as she coughed and gagged over the shrubs.

“Yeah, sorry.” She mumbled, trying and failing to stifle a gag. She recognized him as the CFO of the company Finn’s was merging with. Remy, she remembered.

“It’s okay, do you have someone you want me to get for you? You’re Drew right? Do you want me to get Finn?”

Drew shook her head and sniffled, standing up and then lowering herself onto the bench they were next to.

“No, I’m alright, thanks.” She slipped her shoes back on and used the sleeve of her cardigan to wipe at her eyes.

“Are you sure? I can go in and get you water or napkins or whatever you need.”

“Yeah, I’m okay. I’m nauseous all the time, I should be used to it by now.”

“Okay, uh… can I at least walk you back inside? I would feel bad leaving you out here by yourself.” Remy shuffled a bit awkwardly in front of her with his hands in his pockets. 

“Do you happen to know if the seafood buffet has been put away?” She asked with an unenthusiastic chuckle.

“Oh,” His eyes widened with realization. “Are you-? Shit, I can’t ask that.”

“It’s whatever.” She shrugged, she hadn’t told a single person beside Finn that she was pregnant, but for some reason she decided to tell this virtual stranger. “It’s kinda hard to hide it when morning sickness is kicking my ass.”

Remy sat next to her on the bench, “My ex had really bad morning sickness with our daughter… I swear she was puking constantly for like 3 months.”

“Glad to hear I have so much to look forward to.” Drew leaned back and took a breath, resting her hand on her stomach. “You have a daughter? How is that?”

“Yeah, she’s 5. And it’s great. It’s not always easy, in fact, it’s pretty damn hard sometimes, but I wouldn’t change a thing. Right now she’s refusing to take a bath and giving my cousin a hell of a time going to bed. I’m probably going to get home to a miserable and tired toddler that’s going to cling to me like velcro and then starfish in my bed, but I can’t wait. I look at my little girl and I love her more than anything and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her.”

Remy stopped when he heard Drew sniffle, “I’m sorry, did I say something?”

Drew shook her head and wiped her nose on her sleeve. “No, this happens a lot now too. Part of my new norm I guess.” She paused and stared at her hands in her lap, “This is all so hard.”

“It only gets harder… when they cry and you wish you can take all of their pain away. The first time they realize that life isn’t fair. When you realize that you can’t protect them from everything. Having kids is anything but easy, but I promise it’s worth it and you’re not doing it alone. Finn is a great guy, lean on him. Parenting is a team sport.” Remy glanced down at his watch, “The buffet should be cleaned up now if you’re ready to go back in. I'm sure both of our respective partner’s are wondering where we are.”

Drew sniffled again and nodded, she wiped her eyes and got up from the bench. “Thanks… for sitting out here and talking to me.”

“It’s no problem at all. Thank you for listening to me be cheesy and gush about my daughter.” He looked down at his shoes as if thinking and then looked back at Drew. “Maybe we could plan a dinner all together, I’ll mention it to Finn sometime… I promise not to order the tuna.”

“Yeah, that would be nice.”

They both walked back inside and Drew quickly found Finn, standing with a glass of champagne and engaging in light conversation. She smiled and seamlessly injected herself into the conversation, tucking herself into his side, his hand quickly finding his way around her waist.

“Is everything alright?” He asked her quietly.

“Yeah, everything’s okay.”

[thegodmother007]

My New Neighbor - Chapter 8: What the Fuck Just Happened?

My New Neighbor Chapter 8: What the Fuck Just Happened?

TRIGGER WARNING: This story will eventually contain violence, angst, threat of death, swearing, dark humor, adult themes like sex & drugs, racism, classism, sexism etc. Do not say you have not been warned

Chapter 8:

My shift at Dave & Crusters had been going smoothly tonight so far, one of the tamer nights I have had this week. I look up at the clock to see it’s 45-minutes away from closing, better get to the closing duties so I am out of here by 10:00pm. I grab a cloth from the bleach bucket & start wiping down the counters. As I mindlessly perform the routine of tasks I have done 100x’s before, I hear my phone ping in my pocket. Was not often I got notifications this late at night. I look around to see if my manager is nearby before pulling my phone from my pocket & giving it  a glance. ‘Your Order has been received & processed by GamingRUs. Shipping details to follow’ it read. I felt a pang of guilt in my chest as I was reminded of the conversation Vi & I had earlier today. 

Without warning, I am bumped into by the other bartender who was carrying a tray full of glasses. Thankfully, none were dropped. “Whoa, sorry Cain, I was looking at the glasses when I should have been watching where I was going!” Brittany says as she passes me by & towards the kitchen area, but not before noticing the look on my face. She stops “You alright?” she asked & I shrug, “It’s complicated.” I say trying to keep it short. But Brittany was the type to really get involved & shove her nose in where it isn’t wanted. “Oooo girl trouble?” She was not too far off with that guess. “Something like that…” I answer before trying to turn away. Quicker than she looks, Brittany rushes to block my path “Maybe I can help! I am really good at giving advice.” She offers & I just stare at her, contemplating my next move. What did I have to lose by at least getting her opinion on it? “Alright” I say, relenting. 

I tell Brittany everything, I even hand her my phone to look at the texts that went between Vi & I. “So? What do you think? Do you think I crossed a line or do you think she’s overreacting?” At this point, a busser named Huan had joined the conversation & had been listening intently to my story along with Brittany. Huan and Brittany look at each other after having passed the phone back & forth. “You’re definitely the asshole here, Cain.” Birttany says, handing my phone back to me. 

“Really? I thought I was giving her a compliment, you know? She surprised me with how smart she was during Trivia Night. So, I called her smart. How is that bad?” I was dumbfounded over Brittany’s answer. I looked to Huan for his opinion and he nods, “Let me take this one Brit.” Huan says with a hand on her shoulder, leaning in towards me “Look Cain, you had good intentions, that’s obvious because this is bothering you. What you need to understand though, is that your assumption of Vi’s intelligence comes from a place of outdated, racist beliefs.” I felt the piercing of that word shoot through my chest “Racist?” I asked “I don’t hate Vi because she is a giant or anything, I don’t hate Vi at all!” Huan shakes his head “Racism is not just hatred, it can manifest in different ways. This time, you assumed that because she was giant, that she would be dumb or less intelligent. So the surprise was because she didn’t fit the stereotype you categorize her into, not because she was smart & won you guys the game.” I sat, trying to understand exactly what he was saying. “But I would have been surprised over anyone being able to answer the questions that she did, not just her.” Huan crosses his arms “You said it yourself that you didn’t know there were giants who liked school, right? Whether you’re ready to admit it or not Cain, that was a racist remark. Being a giant doesn’t mean you dislike school or any type of education. Giants are not inherently dumb, just how Asian people are not inherently good at math or devoted to their academics. Personally, I prefer reading & I love watching documentaries about obscure topics that are unrelated to direct academics. I didn’t pop out of the womb with a fucking calculator.” 

Brittany snickers at Huan’s joke and looks to me. “He’s right Cain. I know you didn’t mean to, but you messed up here.” I sigh and rub my temples, finally realizing why what I said was so wrong & why it got such a reaction out of Vi. “I wasn’t raised around giants…” I admit & Huan scoffs “No shit.” he says rolling his eyes with a smirk. “So how do I make it up to her? I need her on my team next time Don hosts Trivia Night. There was no way I would have ever gotten the question ‘wHaT dOEs DNA sTaND fOr? Without Vi’s help.” Brittany places her hand on Huan’s shoulder “I got this one. My boyfriend has pissed me off & made up for it more times than I can count.” Cain felt a redness creeping up across his cheeks at the mention of boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. “We’re not an item, Brit, we’re just Unit Partners…” I try correcting her and she waves me off. “A woman scorned in any language, any race or relationship is all going to look the same, regardless of the situation. What you need to do is make it up to her. Buy her dinner, bring her flowers, sing her a song.” Brittany suggests but I couldn’t help but feel put off by all those suggestions “Those all seem really…intimate..” I look at Huan who snorts with a laugh at Brittany’s suggestions. “Have you tried apologizing?” He asks with a ‘isn’t-it-obvious’ tone of voice & a raised eyebrow. “Yes, of course I have!” I respond defensively, getting frustrated as no one’s suggestions are helping. “When?” Brittany asks. “You read the texts, I said it there.” I hand her my phone back, which still has our conversation pulled up. Brittany looks over it again with Huan sharing the screen too. “No, you didn’t” Brittany says handing me my phone a second time. “I told her that I didn’t mean to underestimate her, I told her it wouldn’t happen again.” I confirm but Huan pipes up “That is not an apology my dude. That is acknowledging you messed up, but you didn’t atone for it.” Brittany nods, pointing to Huan “He’s right, that’s not an apology.” I re-read my texts to Vi and I can see what they’re saying. “So I’ll text her that I am sorry, then.” I say positioning my phone in my hand to start typing. Brittany puts her perfectly manicured hand over my screen “You need to do this in person for it to mean something. You insulted her in person, you need to apologize in person.” That was the last thing I wanted to hear.

*************************************************************************************************************

I heard the obnoxious buzzing of Cain’s apartment door, requesting entry into my apartment when I was stepping out of the shower. I checked my phone quickly, to see if he texted me before he was at my door, hoping to get an idea of why he was here. No messages were on my phone, raising the question of what Cain wanted. With as much politeness as I could muster in that poorly timed moment, I yelled out of my bathroom door “GIVE ME A MINUTE!” As I rush to wrap my wet hair in a towel and tighten the fresh towel around my body. I walk down my hallway towards my living room, leaving behind little puddles of water, where I push the buzzer to let him in. 

I stand across the living room, watching the little door open, with Cain using his back to push his way through, carrying something in his hands. For the first couple of steps in, Cain’s back is to me as he starts shouting ��Vi! I realize I messed up!” Not noticing that I am right behind him only a few steps away. Cain turns around, eyes looking at the flat square cardboard that seemed to resemble a pizza box, before meeting my gaze “I came to apolog-...” His sentence halts the moment he lays eyes on me standing on the other side of the living room. I watched his face & eyes open wide with surprise as he saw me standing there. After doing a quick up & down, his face grows noticeably red & he covers his eyes while turning away, struggling to hold the pizza box with one hand “Vi, I didn’t know this was a bad time, sh-sh-should I come back later?” He asks, embarrassed. “I’m in a towel, Cain.” I point out, not entirely sure what his deal was. The towel was not overly small, it covered me like a dress would, so it’s not like he could see anything. “Yea, you’re in a towel! Should I give you time to change o-or something?” I could tell he was not comfortable. “Would you like for me to change?” I asked him, wondering how the hell he handles seeing people at a public pool or beach showing so much skin if me being in a towel made him this uncomfortable. “It’s your apartment, you can do whatever you want!” He says nervously. “Alright. So what do you want?” I asked, realizing how cold that may have come out a bit too late. Cain’s eyes slowly peeked from behind his hand, as he lowered it to the pizza box once again and erected his posture. Clearing his throat & choking on it a little he tries to regain his momentum from earlier. 

“It’s been brought to my attention that I may have been insensitive to you & my comment about giants’ intelligence levels crossed a line.” I folded my arms “Mm hmm. And?” I asked, feeling the chill of the air conditioning crawling up my wet skin. Cain, distracted by whatever he was thinking to say next, finally said “So I wanted to apologize!” Holding up the pizza box to be above his head, showing me proudly what he’s brought, much like a cat would bring a mouse to its owner. “Vi, I did not grow up around giants. I don’t know what isn’t okay to say, how to act or what customs to follow. I am going to mess up a lot, but I don’t want to mess up so badly that I ruin the chance to have a friendly Unit Partner.” My heart softened as his plea, struck by the honesty he was showing me. I offer a smile “Well, it’s not the worst thing I have had a human say to me. So I think it’s a forgivable sin.” I say giving him the closure he came for. I start eyeing the tiny box with curiosity “..You brought a pizza?” The pizza itself was no larger than your average cracker to me. Cain smiled back at me “Yes! But…I see that maybe it was not as grand of a gesture as I had hoped it would be…” He says holding it up for me to take. “Might be a bit small…not really filling for you…but they wouldn’t let me buy a giant pizza. So I had hoped this would be enough…” I walked up to him, watching his eyes follow where my footsteps were landing & his face grew from pale, to pink to full blown tomato red again. I crouch down, keeping my legs together, to avoid flashing Cain. His eyes steered away from my toweled body as he held out the pizza. I gingerly took it from him, using my nail to open the box to see a pepperoni pizza with 2 slices missing. “You ate some of it?” I asked as Cain laughed nervously, “Yea well I figured we would be able to share a giant pizza, but when I was denied that option, I did the next best thing & figured we would share a regular sized pizza, like normal roommates do. I also did not have any other plans for lunch…and I was hungry” I rolled my eyes with a smile “The peace offering is appreciated, thank you.” Cain looks up to me, happy his apology was accepted. He watched as I slid the whole pizza from the box, into my mouth in a single bite, which was about all the pizza was. But for what it was worth, the pie was deliciously cheesy & saucy. I barely had to chew it before swallowing, crumpling the cardboard box in my hand to toss away later. 

Cain watched my fist close on the flimsy cardboard box with a crooked smile. “I appreciate you stopping by & apologizing.” I say, watching Cain rub his neck & return his eyes to mine. “Thank you for at least hearing me out & not hating me over this. I’ll uh- get out of your hair..” He says making his exit as politely as I am sure he could manage at the time. As he exited his door, I call to him “Cain!” He flinches, then freezes, turning around wondering what it was I wanted “Next time, I will have you for lunch. We’ll figure out a place that caters to Giants and Humans, okay? My treat.” As if he was holding his last breath, he exhales dramatically while wiping his forehead of whatever sweat had built up on it. “Yes, That should be just fine! Ha, thanks!” He says, slipping into his door & out of sight. 

*************************************************************************************************************

As I closed the door behind me, my body lost all strength it had and I collapsed against the door, my heart racing like I just finished running a marathon. “What the fuck just happened?” Cain thought loudly, running fingers through his hair. He reassured himself that Vi’s comment of “Having him for lunch” was not a promise that Vi was going to eat him, rather she invited him to have lunch with her next time. The miniature heart attack brought on by her words began to subside as Cain recalls seeing Vi, all 85ft of her, damn near soaking wet in a thin towel, leaving very little to the imagination. He recalls his feeling of shock as his eyes trailed up, up, up her long legs to her face. Cain feels a warm feeling in his cheeks that slowly crept to his pants as he felt them tighten slightly. Those legs…strong, sensual and soft looking. He wondered to himself if her skin was as soft to the touch as it looked from his perspective. Nothing could have prepared him for the curvature of her body, though. Her hips were wide & the curves of her waist came in an almost perfect hourglass shape. Her arms & shoulders clearly reflected how she worked out & lifted weights, but her body kept the soft edges & supple shape he admired in other women. Her wet hair spilled out from the towel she had holding it up, still dripping. Cain recalls following the drips as they landed on her shoulder and gravity pulled them between her…”-STOP!” Cain yelled at himself, covering his mouth, fearing he was too loud just now. 

This was wrong, Cain can’t think about Vi this way. She was his Unit Partner, nothing else. Were they even friends? Cain didn’t think so. He reminded himself that he was literally just apologizing for being racist towards her, so there is a lot that needs to happen for them to even call each other friends. Cain needed to keep in mind that getting too close to giants was still dangerous, even ones as..nice..as Vi. The image of Vi slipping the entire XL pizza into her mouth, hardly chewing before swallowing, followed by minimal effort to crush the pizza box, gave a chill up Cain’s spine he was not sure he liked. A stark reminder of just how different they were. Cain slapped his own face, lecturing to himself “Pull yourself together man, this is not happening! She is a giant, you’re just…” Cain pauses and notices his reflection, crumpled on the floor, in the full body mirror he keeps by the front door, staring back at him. He noted how pathetic & sorry looking he was in that moment. 

“...just Human..” Cain says with a defeated sigh.  Pushing himself off of the floor & walking to his gaming area, he makes an effort to push the image of Vi’s nearly naked body out of his mind as he picks up his controller to play some Halo. Taking a deep breath and thinking about his grandma and spiders to kill all warmth he was feeling in that moment as he logs into his gaming account.

Previous ||| Next

[changingplumbob]

Foster Household: Chapter 8, Part 6

Carson continues his appointment after which he and Kayleigh meet up with friends for dinner.

Low level content warning: discussions of anxiety disorder

Carson: I guess... the asthma has been harder than I thought

Dr H: How so

Carson: Well it seemed to just come out of nowhere. I’ve got this inhaler for asthma attacks but I don’t think I’ve had one yet. I still keep it on me, just in case. I get worried about what could set it off

Dr H: And how do you cope with that worry

Carson: Not well I guess. But I can look after myself. I have a whole cleaning routine for my room to keep it dust free

Dr H: Tell me about that

Carson begins to explain the process he does to clean his room, when he wakes up and after dinner, just to be safe.

Dr H: Can I ask, what would happen if you didn’t do this

Carson: Well there’d be dust and it would make me have an asthma attack which would probably hurt a lot if it didn’t kill me

Dr H: Okay. Now when you’re outside of your room, how do you feel about the asthma triggers then

Carson: Home isn’t too bad, mum makes sure it’s vacuumed for me. And most of the places at school are okay, at least first thing. Mrs Tinker, my teacher, told me that cleaners come every night at 6. They wipe everything down and vacuum. But by the end of the school day I get worried about the dead skin in the air though. Like how much will actually end up in my lungs

The conversation continues with Dr Hanks asking more about Carson’s routines and his worries. Kayleigh sits through as best she can, trying only to say things when she’s asked, or if Carson looks to her for support. She’s a bit shocked to learn how much he actually does to try avoid asthma attacks, not all of them logical choices. All her kids have tended to be academically gifted so when she hears Carson is doing things that would have no actual impact on an asthma attack she does wonder where the behaviour has come from.

Dr H: Thanks for sharing all of that Carson. I know it’s not easy to talk to a stranger about inner thoughts

Carson: It’s tough. I just… I guess I don’t want to be worried about asthma attacks all the time

Dr H: Based on today it does appear that you have developed an anxiety disorder. In particular I believe you may have OCD. Do you know what that is?

Carson: It’s like when you need everything to be neat?

Dr H: For some. Those with OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder, often find themselves developing obsessions or compulsions which they use to manage their anxiety. While it may work in the short term, it’s not healthy in the long term

Carson: So I’m broken

Kayleigh: He didn’t say that honey

Dr H: I don’t think you’re broken. I think you just need some extra help, we all need extra help from time to time

Carson: Can you get rid of it

Dr H: Psychological conditions are complex. They’re not like a tumour which can be cut out. What we need to do instead is work on strategies which will help you cope with the anxiety in a safer way that does not interfere with your life as much, so that you can enjoy life. We have a few options to help. One, which I would highly recommend, is going to therapy

Dr H: Talking through the anxieties can often help minimise the danger they present, and lesson the compulsions. However if your mood is already off balance I would suggest also starting on some medication to get you in a better headspace before starting therapy. How does that sound

Carson: Yeah, I mean… if it’ll help

Dr H: Now these medications can have side effects, and will take time to build up. Your medical insurance should help with the cost of them though

Kayleigh: Cost doesn’t matter, whatever he needs

Dr H: *smiles* I shall refer you to a therapist then, and send a script to the pharmacy for you to collect. We should meet up again after you’ve done that for a while to see how it’s affecting you. Does that sound okay Carson?

Carson: Do I… do I need to tell people

Dr H: Entirely up to you, perhaps it’s one of the first things you could discuss with the therapist. Do you have any other questions for me

Carson: Mum?

Kayleigh: How long until he can see a therapist

Dr H: It will take some time to match Carson with someone who specialises in OCD, more and more sims are needing our services lately, but you should hear from someone with an appointment in the next few months

Carson: Why do I feel like I need a nap

Kayleigh: You’ve had a big day, exams and then Dr Hanks. Are you sure you still want to do dinner

Carson: Yeah but… I probably wont tell them much until I’ve seen the therapist

Kayleigh: We will need to tell your dad, but apart from him it’s your health. You choose who you do or don’t want to know

Carson: So Charlie and Keira and…. Reece don’t have to know

Kayleigh: Not if you don’t want them to honey

Carson: Thanks mum, seriously

For dinner Carson and Kayleigh head to the Sulani Restaurant built by EA ID: VeronicaDumm. Onyx is here with their mum Eliza, Bob has opted to stay home and watch Fergus since Harvey won’t be there. Darwin and William are also invited to celebrate surviving the exams.

Kayleigh: Can we have a table for six please

Server: Mrs Foster? Of course! If you follow me we have a lovely table up here with the best view of the ocean… and the kitchen

Darwin: So bro how’d it go

Carson: Well they concluded I’m alive

Onyx: always nice to know

Carson: The dude we saw was pretty nice

Kayleigh: He was. Very good listener

Eliza: That’s good, our kids deserve proper care

Darwin: Did he like totally shrink your head

Carson: Does my head look smaller than normal

Darwin: It’s not a great light

Carson: *laughs* It was actually not stereotypical

Jimin: What can I get you to eat

Kayleigh: Oh I would love some Kalua pork, is that on the menu?

Jimin: It certainly is Mrs Foster

Eliza: I know we’re in Sulani but I don’t know about pork

Jimin: The chef does a fantastic Island Vegetable Feast if that would be more to your taste

Eliza: Yes thank you

Carson: And we’ll all have nectar

Kayleigh: We will not. Eliza and I can drink but the rest of you 14 year olds get rootbeer floats

There’s general grumbling from the kids but can’t be bending nectar rules when at the table nearby is top prosecutor Aaron dining with cop Amabel. They’re just tying up the case against Liam, Aaron would not be stepping out on his wife I promise.

Darwin: Go back to what you were saying Carson

Carson: Oh yeah so I was totally expecting some long as couch and an old white man telling me to close my eyes and imagine my childhood

Kayleigh: *laughs* luckily we didn’t get that

Eliza: No couch or no old white guy

Carson: Both. He was maybe 30’s and black. He did have three couches, but they were all short, I wouldn’t be able to stretch out on one

Onyx: But what if you really needed a nap

William: Nap before you go Onyx

Onyx: Don’t confuse me with your logic

William: Did it help

Carson: Yes, it did. He thinks it would be good to go see a therapist for a bit

Darwin: Makes sense. Oh yes! Food! Finally!

The various drinks and dishes arrive and everyone seated has a moment as they get excited about the food.

Eliza: Maybe I shouldn’t eat it all. I’m sure Bob would like to taste some

William: Thanks for getting us all dinner Mrs Foster

Kayleigh: You’re very welcome William

Eliza: Have you heard how your exams went yet

Carson: I did well

Darwin: Me too which is weird because I didn’t study

William: No, you just copied everyone else’s work

Darwin: Po-tay-toe po-tah-toe

Onyx: I did good mother so a horse-

Eliza: Yes but Onyx you did just get detention

Darwin: Don’t blame them Mrs Pancakes, Mr A was being Mr Arse that day

Carson: He gave me detention to

Onyx: See mother I told you

Eliza: *sighs*

Darwin: I better get home or my mums will wonder if I got killed

Everyone thanks Kayleigh and begins to head home.

William: I told you you’d be fine in the appointment

Carson: Yeah, it definitely helped. And who knows, therapy could be good

William: Well if you can’t talk to them you can always talk to me

Carson: Thanks Will. Hey is this an okay light for a selfie

William: You look great

Carson: Knew it

Kayleigh: Harv, we’re home! Are you-

Harvey: I’m here, I’m here

Kayleigh: Oh you do not look good. Did you rest properly today

Harvey: Of course I did. But then my muscles got stiff so I thought I should have a swim

Kayleigh: *sighs* That’s not going to get you better

Harvey: No but you’re going to get me better *kisses cheek*

Kayleigh: Did you get my text? I didn’t want to call in case you were napping

Harvey: I did, OCD huh

Kayleigh: Yep. But he doesn’t want to tell anyone about it just now so no blabbing

Harvey: I won’t, I won’t. Thanks for taking him,  wish I could of but-

Kayleigh: But you’re sick and need to rest

Harvey: Yeah. I think I’m getting better though, it’s just rough

Kayleigh: I know we can hardly call 11 an early night but let’s go sleep huh

Harvey: Yeah sleep sounds great sugar

This concludes the Foster chapter. Keira and Marta are here for now but next rotation will have their own home. Harvey and Kayleigh sleep and dream of retirement while Carson dreams of a clean room.

Previous ... Next (Nishidake)

[johnsbleu]

Hold My Hand: John Wick x Reader Chapter 169

Author’s Note: This chapter might be a little heavy for some people, so I’m putting a warning out there. This chapter deals with abuse, specifically child abuse, verbal abuse, and mental abuse. While there are no actual scenes of this happening, but there are conversations around it. So please be advised and just know that if this could potentially trigger you, it would be best if you don’t read. I only want the best for you all. I won’t be offended if you need to sit this one out 💖

warnings: slight nsfw moments, mentions of child abuse hmh masterlist

Today is errand day for you, so you dropped Ronan off with your mom since she was asking to take her--her new friends were bringing their grandkids to the park and she insisted on bringing Ronan. You love when Ronan tags along for errand days but you didn’t want your mom to be the only without her grandchild, so you dropped her off.

Since you got everything done, you were running ahead of schedule which meant you had time to stop into Jimmy’s shop. Of course you love stopping in every now and then to see Jimmy--you’ve even brought him lunch--but right now there’s a dark haired, brown eyed man that is probably sitting down in the office that you desperately want to see. Hopefully he wants to see you just as bad.

“Hey, Logan,” you smile as you walk into Jimmy’s workshop, and he jogs over to hug you. “How are things?”

Logan shrugs, “Great at work.”

“Yeah…” you nod sympathetically, “I heard you’re doing really well here.”

“I really like it. Mr. Hendricks is teaching me a lot.”

Jimmy scoffs as he walks up beside you with John next to him, “Come on, man. Mr. Hendricks is my father.”

You roll your eyes and laugh as you look at John, giving him a small wave. He wraps his arm around you and pulls you closer to hug you. You haven’t seen him since this morning since he came to the shop to help Jimmy with some things.

“I better get back to work,” Logan says, and you smile at him before he turns and walks back over to what looks like a desk he’s working on with another guy.

“How’s he doing here?”

Jimmy nods, “Great. He’s a great kid. He’s picking up everything, but I think he’s having trouble at home.”

“Yeah,” John nods, looking down at you, “He came over the other day when you were gone. I was home, just working in the yard. He’s been hanging around more often--not that we mind. We told him we’re cool with it, but…”

You bite your cheek as you look over at Logan.

It’s no secret that Logan doesn’t have the best home life. When the accident happened and you spoke with his parents, they were so mean to him. Greg, his dad, was clearly an asshole, and neither you nor John liked the way he talked to Logan. He got a job working with Jimmy and has just absolutely excelled at everything there. Jimmy speaks so highly of him and his ability to pick things up quickly, along with his willingness to learn.

Ever since the accident, Logan has been working at the shop with Jimmy, but he still stops by your place. He’ll hang out with John and learn stuff about bookbinding, he’ll tend to the yard with him, he’ll even play with Ronan. You came home one day and he was in the pool with her swimming while John was making steaks on the grill.

You trust him. He’s a great kid! There was even a time when something came up and you called him last minute to babysit Ronan. You were only gone for three hours, but he was more than happy to come watch her, and she loves him. She always runs to him whenever she sees him. He’s become a part of your lives now and you’re all incredibly protective of him.

“He always is very adamant about putting his bike in the garage,” Jimmy says, waving for you to walk with him to his office, “I think he’s telling his parents he’s going for a bike ride, but he’s actually coming over to our place. He showed up the other day and Tess said he was just so withdrawn.”

“John and I have noticed the bike thing too,” you say, sitting down in John’s lap when he sits in the chair, “He brought it into the backyard one day.”

John rubs your side, “Maybe we should just keep an eye on him?”

“Yeah,” Jimmy sighs, looking out at Logan, “He’s a great kid. I know that Greg is a piece of shit, so…let’s definitely keep an eye on him.”

You all sit in silence for a few moments before John bounces you on his knee to get you to look at him.

“What are you doing here?”

“Oh, I can’t just stop by and see my brother-in-law.”

Jimmy laughs, “You did not come here to see me.”

“I have before!”

“Okay, that’s true.” he laughs, nodding his head before he looks at John, “She even brought me lunch.”

You smile proudly as you look at John, “Yes, I did!”

“You never bring me lunch,” John says, and you scrunch your face up as he laughs. “Okay, yeah, you do.”

“I was just driving by after running some errands and saw your car out front and wanted to stop by.”

John laughs, “I’m about to leave in an hour or so.”

“Oh, okay, wow…” you get off his lap and roll your eyes playfully, “I guess next time I won’t come visit you.”

“Stop,” he laughs, pulling you back to him, “You can come visit me anytime.”

Jimmy laughs, “Not me though. Gonna put a sign up with your picture on it that says ‘keep this woman off these premises.’”

“Okay, then I’ll never make that casserole that you like again.” you cross your arms and watch Jimmy widen his eyes as John laughs, “Yeah, two can play that game.”

“Forgive me.” he says, and you all start to laugh.

John reaches up and rubs his thumb over your eyebrow, “Did you get your eyebrows waxed or something? They’re a little red.”

“I did,” you touch your brow, “She put some stuff over it but it’s still really sore.”

“And you got a haircut,” John says, running his fingers through the length of your hair, “You look great, baby.”

You didn’t do anything major to your hair, but you did get about three inches cut off, just the dead stuff. It doesn’t matter if it’s just a small trim, John always notices. He genuinely pays attention to you, it blows your mind.

You scratch your nails against John’s scalp, “I got all my errands done, but now I’m gonna head over to the store and grab some things for tonight. Can you get Ro?”

“Yeah,” he nods, and you lean down to kiss him a few times. When you’re close enough, John whispers, “Thank you for coming to see me. I wanted to see you too.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” you smile at him, then you playfully narrow your eyes at Jimmy and point at him, “Watch yourself.”

Jimmy does the same thing back, “Yeah, you too.”

Looking over at John, you smile as sweet as you can, “I love you, baby.”

“I love you,” he laughs as Jimmy jokingly crosses his arms and shakes his head.

You give them both a wave before you walk back out to the shop. You spot Logan, so you wave at him again when he looks at you. He smiles and waves back, then he goes back to what he’s doing as you head out to your car.

__

Laughter bursts from the backyard as everyone sits around and eats. John made a ton of food, so everyone’s stuffing their faces. Amanda brought over a bunch of desserts too, and you can’t wait to get your hands on those.

“Gotta pee,” you whisper to John, then you hop up and head inside, smiling when you walk past all the kids playing in the grass. You quickly use the bathroom and wash your hands before you turn the corner to head to the backyard, but something catches your eye. You furrow your brow and lean over more to see Logan walking down the driveway. You quickly rush to the door and open it, “Logan, what are you doing out here?”

“Oh, I just…” he takes a few steps back towards the house, “I just wanted to…never mind. You’re all busy.”

You laugh, waving him over, “I mean what are you doing out here? We’re all in the back. Come on, there’s tons of food.”

Logan nods his head and walks up to the house with his head down. He’s recently gotten a haircut so his hair isn’t so floppy and you can actually see his face, and you immediately notice the busted lip he’s sporting.

“Hey,” you put your hand on his shoulder and look at him, “What happened to your lip?”

“Oh,” he chuckles, avoiding your gaze, “Just work. Wasn’t paying attention.”

You watch him closely when he glances at you, “Oh…okay.”

Keeping a close eye on Logan, you follow behind him through the kitchen to the backyard. He grabs a plate and starts to put food on it, and you quickly look away when he looks at you. You smile and reach for Ronan when she toddles over to you, immediately lifting her up and hugging her. Your eyes wander back over to Logan as he sits down at the table where Amanda’s nephew is--he’s staying with them while he looks at a few colleges out here.

“Hey,” John comes up the steps and smiles as he reaches out to touch Ronan’s cheek, “What are you doing?”

“Something is going on with Logan.” you whisper, and John looks at him, “He was out front when I went to the bathroom, and…he has a bloody lip.”

John clenches his jaw and shakes his head, “Greg.”

“What do we do? He said it happened at work but I don’t believe that. Someone once got a splinter and Jimmy freaked out. He’s so protective of them there.” you hold John’s gaze, “If he got it at work, we’d know about it. Jimmy would have mentioned it.”

“Oh, yeah, skateboarding,” Logan says as everyone stares at him, “Fell earlier.”

You and John both look at each other. Logan can’t even keep his lies straight, most likely because he’s scared and nervous. John sighs as he comes up to stand next to you, then he makes eye contact with Jimmy--he knows something is up too.

“What do we do?”

“Get him out of that house as soon as possible,” John says, and you look up at him, “He’ll stay with us.”

You nod, “Okay.”

“We’ll find him a place eventually, but he needs to get out of that house. He can’t stay there anymore.” John shakes his head as he walks away, “I won’t allow it.”

__

You’re sitting around the table with everyone while the kids are still playing in the grass. Ronan will need to go down for a nap soon, but right now she’s having fun with Harper and you definitely don’t want to pull her away kicking and screaming for a nap. She’ll give all her tired cues when she’s ready for a nap. You look over at John as he stares at the table, and he flinches when you reach for his hand. A small spreads on your face, and he squeezes your hand before leaning over to kiss your temple.

Logan, Benji, and Amanda’s nephew, Devin, have decided to go fishing off the dock behind the house, so you’re all sitting here trying to figure out what to do.

“I want him out of that house,” John says, and you all look at him. “Something about this whole thing…it just pisses me off.”

You nod, “Rightfully so, John. I’m pissed too. I want him out of that house too.”

Jimmy shakes his head, “Greg might put up a fight, but my guess is he won’t if you’re there.”

“Oh, I’ll be there,” John says when Jimmy gestures to him.

“He can stay here. We have plenty of room.” you say as they look at you, “I just don’t want him there anymore. I say that we get him out of there tomorrow.”

Tess leans forward, “Talk to him. Get his opinion. I’m sure he wants out of there too, but let him know that he has the option. You don’t want him to feel like he’s being forced.”

“He’ll need a lot of things. We can help with that.” Amanda says, and you smile softly at her.

Aurelio nods, “I can get him a car too.”

Your heart swells as you look at your friends, “Thank you.”

John sighs heavily beside you, so you look at him. He squeezes your hand but keeps his gaze down. Ronan toddles over and reaches up for her daddy, and he smiles as he brings her into his lap. She leans against his chest and pops her thumb into her mouth, then she smiles as she looks over at you.

“Hi, bug.” you lean over and kiss her forehead, “You getting sleepy?”

Ronan nods her head before she leans back to look at John. She tries her best to talk to him about something--he’s absolutely not sure what but he listens intently. He smiles at her and kisses her, then she lays back against his chest, closing her eyes.

The back gate opens as Benji runs through it, rushing over to Aurelio, “Dad, we just caught a huuuuge fish. Devin threw it back though.”

You look up as Devin and Logan came into the backyard, and they stand back and talk. They’ve really hit it off since Devin’s been here. Aurelio stopped into the shop with him the other day to talk to Jimmy about something, and Logan and Devin instantly became friends. Logan seems to be in a bit of a better mood too now that he has a friend.

“It’s getting dark, I better head home.” Logan says, and you sit up a little. “Thanks for letting me come over. The food was great.”

“Hey, you’re welcome at our places any time, Logan,” Tess says, waving at him, “You know Finny loves you.”

You get up and walk with Logan inside, working up the courage to ask if things are okay at home. You know they’re not but you don’t want to cross any lines. John follows behind you and clears his throat when Logan gets to the door.

“Hey, Logan, can we talk to you?”

“Of course,” he turns around and looks at you both.

Taking a deep breath, you look at him and feel John’s hand on your back, “You didn’t get hurt at work.”

“Uh…” he looks down and shakes his head, “No.”

“Was it your dad?” you ask, and Logan nods his head. “How many times has he done this?”

Logan takes a few moments before he looks at you, “He usually just pushes me around, but this was the first time that he…”

“What about your mom?” John asks, and Logan’s eyes fill with tears as he nods.

“She’s…slapped me before.”

You take a deep breath and let it out shakily, “We don’t want you going back there. We want you to come stay with us. We’ll find a place for you. I know you’re 18 now and you’ve just graduated, but we want you to come stay here for a few weeks. We’ll find you an apartment too. Would you want to do this?”

Logan stares at you and John before he nods his head, “Yes. I’ve been looking for a place but it’s just too expensive.”

“Let us worry about that,” John says, and you nod in agreement. “Can you stay somewhere else tonight? You’re welcome here too.”

“I was actually gonna ask if I could stay at Aurelio’s tonight. Devin wanted to play a game. I just…needed to ask my parents.”

You smile at him, “You and Devin seem to get along.”

“Yeah, he’s cool. We like a lot of the same things.” he says, perking up, “He wants to move out here for school.”

Chatter fills the house as everyone comes back inside, and you look over at Aurelio tickling Ronan’s tummy as she laughs. He sets her down and watches as she runs over to grab one of her toys, then she brings it to him. He leans down and listens to her as she talks about it.

“I’m gonna ask my parents if I can stay the night. They’ll probably say yes, they don’t really care what I do.” he says, and you grip John’s hand. “I’ll text you.”

Devin nods his head, “Cool.”

You quickly follow Logan outside, “Hey, we’re serious, by the way.”

“Me too, Mrs. Wick.” he says, smiling at you, “Thanks.”

“Tomorrow.” you say as he nods, “Tomorrow we’ll pack up your things and you’ll come live here.”

Logan nods again, “Sounds good.”

Walking back into the house, everyone looks at you and waits for what you’re going to say. You give them all a small smile, then you walk over and sit down on the couch, exhaling softly.

“Well, we’ll get out of your hair,” Amanda says, scooping up Harper into her arms, “Call us and let us know what he needs.”

“We will,” John nods, then he looks over at you, “I’m going to walk them out.”

You nod your head, “Okay. Bye guys, thanks for coming.”

Tess leans down and hugs you, “Let us know what we can do too. We’re happy to help.”

“Thank you.”

After the door closes, you look over at Ronan and see her curled up on the couch asleep. You smile as you walk over and pick her up, then you take her up to her room to get her changed. She’s still asleep even as you change her into her pajamas, and you laugh quietly when she only moves around a little after you’ve put her in her crib.

“Is she asleep?” John whispers as he comes in, then he leans down and kisses her forehead, “Damn, I wanted to snuggle her before she fell asleep.”

“She’ll be right there in the morning,” you smile as he looks at you, “You can snuggle her then.”

John nods, “Right.”

The two of you hold hands as you walk down to your room, and you sit on the edge of your bed in silence as John undresses. He stands in front of you in his boxers for a moment before he tilts your chin up so you’ll look at him. Your eyes trail down his body before you stand up and wrap your arms around him, hugging him tight.

“I love you so much,” you whisper as he holds you, “You’re such a good man.”

“This will change things around here a little.” he says, and you nod, “We’ll have someone else living here, but that’s okay, right?”

You lean back and look into his warm brown eyes, “He needs to get out of that house. I can’t sleep knowing he’s there.”

“Yeah, me either,” he smooths your hair back and leans down to kiss you. “This will be good for him.”

“I think so too.”

You wrap your arms around John and close your eyes, listening to the sound of his heart beating. He rests his cheek on top of your head, and you stand in his warm embrace. A comfort that nothing compares to.

__

Logan seemed to be having second thoughts about moving out, so he called and told you that he wanted to wait and see how things were going at home first. He said they had gotten better since he was over the night you talked to him, but you weren’t convinced that they wouldn’t get bad again.

Obviously it’s a scary thing to move out and you’re sure he’s even more scared since his parents pretty much suck. You told him that you and John will support him no matter what, but you both ultimately want him to move in for the time being. He just doesn’t need to be around his parents. John is still hoping that he’ll change his mind and has even had a couple of boxes near the front door for a few days just in case he calls and needs to be moved out as quickly as possible.

It’s scary knowing that he could just be at home when Greg is there, and he could be taking out his anger on him--his mom too. You’re trying not to think about it which is why you’ve been throwing yourself into work all day. You went to the shop and decided to go through some old boxes of books that need to be donated to the library.

Just as you close the box up, you hear the bell above the door. You’re a little surprised that anyone is coming out since it’s storming really bad today. You get up and head out to greet them, but your stomach drops when you see Logan standing there drenched from the rain.

“Logan, oh my god…” you grab John’s sweatshirt that he’s left at work and rush out to warm him up, “Why are you out in the rain?”

“They were yelling at me,” he whispers, his eye red from tears.

You escort him back to the office and gesture for him to sit down, “What happened?”

“They were yelling at me. We were arguing about college. I don’t want to go to school to be a fucking lawyer,” he says, then he looks at you, “Pardon my language.”

You shake your head since it’s the least of your worries right now, but don’t say anything. You just let him talk.

“I said I was leaving, so he…” he shakes his head and looks down, “He was just yelling at me and…calling me names. I went to your house but no one was home, so I came here.”

“I’m so sorry,” you sit next to him, “John is out with Ro.”

Logan uses the sweatshirt to wipe his face dry, then he looks over at you, “I can’t stay there anymore. I know I can’t. I have to leave.”

“I know,” your eyes soften as you look at him, “I want you out of there. Now. I’m gonna call John.”

Logan nods his head as you get up and grab your phone from the desk. You press his name and cradle your phone between your ear and shoulder as you gather your things.

“Hey, peach.”

“Hey, uh, Logan is here.” you say, and he glances up at you. “He needs to move right now. I mean literally right this minute.”

John is quiet for a moment, “Okay. I’m actually on my way home right now. I’ll drop Ro off with Tess. Meet me at the house.”

“Okay,” you hang up the phone and look at Logan, “Let’s go.”

The shop is empty aside from Tony, so you walk over to quickly let him know that you won’t be back and that he can close up the shop whenever he feels like it. With the rain, no one is coming in anyway. You open your umbrella and wait for Logan to get under it, then you rush out to your car to get in.

“I just want you to be one hundred percent sure that you want to move out.”

Logan looks out the window and nods his head before he looks at you, a slight bruising forming around his eye that you couldn’t see earlier since you were on the other side of him.

That’s enough to light a fire inside of you. If you were mad before, you’re fucking livid now.

“Yeah. I’m one hundred percent sure.”

__

John is waiting in the living room when you get into the house. He gets up and walks over, eyeing Logan and sighing when he sees the bruise on his face. He looks over at you, checking to see if you’re okay too. You give him a small nod.

“You’re sure, Logan?”

“Yes, sir,” he nods, shivering a little, from his wet clothes and probably nerves.

John nods, “Let’s go then.”

It’s still storming outside and it only seems to be getting worse as you drive down the street to Logan’s house. You look back at him when you pull up to it, and he wrings his hands together.

“We’re gonna go in with you.” John says, and Logan gets out of the car.

You all rush up to the door and step inside, and when the door opens, all hell breaks loose.

“Logan, that better be you!” Greg yells, stomping his way to the front door. He stops when he sees you and John, “What are you two doing here?”

“Go get your things.” you say softly, and Logan runs up the stairs to his room.

John moves so you’re behind him, “Logan is coming to stay with us.”

“You can’t do that,” Greg laughs. “He’s our child.”

“He’s eighteen. He can go wherever he likes.” you say as you grip the back of John’s shirt to keep him in place, “He’s not going to be staying here with you.”

Greg laughs in disbelief, “Laura, get out here. You won’t believe this.”

Laura walks out drying her hands on a tea towel. She stops when she sees you and John, “What’s going on?”

“They’re trying to take Logan.” Greg says, gesturing to you and John, “Unbelievable.”

“We’re not trying to take him, he’s coming with us. He chose this on his own,” you look at Laura and shake your head, “He’s tired of being treated like shit.”

Laura scoffs, “We do not treat him like that.”

“Really? Where did the black eye come from? How about that busted lip he had?” John asks, staring them down, “Because we all know it didn’t happen from skateboarding. He doesn’t even like skateboarding.”

You look up the stairs to see Logan standing there, and he waves you up. You start towards the staircase but Laura stands in your way. You stare her down until she moves aside. You get into his room and immediately start helping him pack his bags, but you hear Laura coming in.

“You can’t take our son!”

“We’re not taking him,” you say as you turn around to look at Laura. You tap your temple, “You’re not fucking getting it! I’m not taking your son. He’s leaving. He can’t stand to be here anymore.”

Laura shakes her head, “This isn’t even your business.”

“Logan made it my business when he showed up with bloodshot eyes and a blood on his face!” you exclaim as she gazes at you in astonishment, “He made it my business when he told me how shitty you are to him! Laura, he’s your child! As a mother, it is your responsibility to protect and cherish your child; however, you have repeatedly failed to do so. I cannot sit back and allow him to stay in this house.”

John moves past and starts helping you and Logan pack things up. You offer a gentle smile to Logan, placing your hand on his arm while nodding reassuringly, letting him know that everything will be okay.

“I can’t…” Laura talks to herself quietly, “She’s taking him from me. She’s taking him!”

You set aside one bag and grab a few things to put in the bag that John is packing. He looks up at you and gently touches your hand, holding your gaze for a moment before you flinch when Greg yells. John instantly tenses up and turns around to protect you.

“I’ve called the police! They’re on their way.”

“Dad, come on.” Logan finally speaks up, “I’m leaving. I’m going to stay with them, then I’m getting my own place. I can’t stay here. You guys don’t even want me here anyway.”

Laura shakes her head, “That is not true and you know it!”

“Mom, you know you don’t want me here, and I know you only don’t want me to leave because you don’t like her,” he says, gesturing to you, and you look at him, “Mrs. Wick is nice to me. She actually listens to me.”

Laura scoffs and tosses the tea towel to the ground, "Oh please, don't fool yourself into thinking she actually values your input. I'm not naive to her motives; it's obvious why she's so eager for you to move in. It won't be long until she's pregnant. I know she has ulterior motives.”

You stare at her for a moment before you start to laugh since that’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard in your fucking life, “Are you serious? Are you seriously saying I’m going to be inappropriate with him?”

“Mom, she’s like a big sister.” Logan says, and Laura purses her lips and looks away.

“Laura, I have no intentions to do anything with your son, and I’m beyond offended that you think that of me. That is the furthest thing from my mind. What I do have intentions of is taking care of your son because you two are doing a terrible job at that.” you look back at Logan, his face ghost white and frightened, “He’s coming to stay with us.”

There’s a knock at the door, so Greg goes down to answer it. It’s obviously the police, but everyone knows that there isn’t much that can be done. Logan is eighteen and he’s allowed to leave. Plus the police know all about Greg, and you’re sure Jimmy has given them a heads up about what’s been happening.

“You can’t take him!”

You roll your eyes as you turn around and begin helping Logan again. It’s John’s turn to argue with them now.

“Laura, I understand that this must be hard--”

“You don’t know anything!” she yells at John, and you turn to look at her, narrowing your eyes.

She sure as shit is not going to yell at John like that. You gesture for him to help Logan instead, and you go back to arguing with her.

“Why?” you ask her, and she furrows her brow, “Why do you care what happens to him when you don’t even bother to pay attention to him? He’s been begging for attention for years, yet he goes unnoticed.”

“Why do you care?”

You start to laugh, “Because as crazy as this may sound to someone with no soul, I actually care about people. I care about Logan, and I care about what happens to him. As a mother, I can’t stand here and watch you treat him like that.”

Laura says something not very nice about you under her breath that makes John stand up straight and absolutely glare at her. You roll your eyes and grab a bag of Logan’s things to bring downstairs. Laura actually moves out of the way but she follows you back down to the front door where Greg is talking to the police.

“Well, he’s eighteen, so…” the officer nods at John, then he looks at Greg, “There’s nothing we can do. If he wants to go stay with them, he’s legally an adult and can do that.”

“So, she gets to just take my son from me?” Laura stands next to Greg and shakes her head, “This whore gets to just take our son!”

John takes a deep breath before he sets the bag down, “I haven’t said much because I’m trying my best to control my anger right now, but if you speak about my wife like that one more time, I promise I won’t be able to control it.”

“You can be as upset as you like, but Logan made this choice on his own. He doesn’t want to stay here in this environment anymore, and we’re offering him a way out.” you hold Laura’s gaze, “If you weren’t going to love your child, then you never should have had them.”

Laura fumes as she takes a step forward, “You bitch--”

You swat Laura’s hand out of your face before you shove her back. She stumbles into Greg and widens her eyes, looking over at the police officer and pointing at you. She looks like a petulant child. She starts her way back to you but you grab her arm when she tries to hit you again.

“Don’t.” you warn her firmly, “I promise you that you don’t want to do that because you won’t like what happens next. News fucking flash: you cannot put your hands on people! You don’t know me, so I’m warning you right now. If you put your hands on me, you won’t like the outcome.”

Greg puffs up his chest and steps forward, which sets John off. It happens in a flurry. One moment you’re looking at Laura and the next you see Greg making his way towards you. You’re sure he’s just protecting his wife, but John is also protecting his. He steps in front of you and his fist connects with Greg’s jaw, knocking his back against the staircase.

“Enough!” the cops yells, and you quickly pull John back towards you after he got a few good hits in.

Lacing your fingers through John’s, you hold him tight next to you since you know he’ll go back to Greg if you don’t have a hold of him.

When Logan tries to move past to the doorway, Greg stands in front of him, just staring him down, and Logan puts his head down and doesn’t move. He just shrinks as Greg towers over him. Logan’s not a short kid, but Greg just makes him look so small and powerless. If Logan really wanted to, he could probably really hurt Greg.

“Logan, you can’t just leave…” Laura says, reaching out for him but he backs away, “Honey, we’ll talk about it.”

You touch his back and lean forward to look at him, “Put your things in the car. We’ll be out shortly.”

The police officer shrugs, “There’s nothing I can do. He’s made his decision. If he feels like he’s better off with them, then that’s what he should do. Either way, he shouldn’t be here. He’s clearly not comfortable.”

“So, that’s it? They get to waltz in here and take him from us?” Greg throws his hands up, “Absolute bullshit!”

Logan opens the door and puts his cell phone on the table, “I don’t want to see you two right now. Not for a while. Maybe later down the road, but not right now. You can have your phone back. I’ll get my own. Mom, I know this is hard, but this is a decision I made for myself. You guys don’t care if I’m here or not.”

“Honey, that is not true.”

“If it wasn’t true, then you would have noticed that I wasn’t home for the past week.” he says, and you all look at him, “I never came home. I was staying with a friend, or…sleeping on a bench. I even crashed in the Wick’s backyard one night--I didn’t want to wake you guys up.”

You shake your head and wave it off, “We don’t care about that, Logan. We just want you to be safe.”

“You haven’t even noticed that I’ve been gone. It’s okay, mom.” he says softly as she cries, “Maybe we can work things out later on in life.”

John reaches for your hand and tugs it a little, pulling you to the door. You open the door and wait for Logan to step outside, then you walk to the car with him. He gets in the back and looks out the window as Laura stands on the front step with her hands over her head to shield herself from the rain. You turn around and look back at Logan, and he exhales in relief before putting his head down and closing his eyes.

__

When you got home, you quickly made up the guest bedroom for Logan. You gave him new sheets and told him that you’d make some dinner but he wasn’t obligated to come out or anything. In the end, he decided to just take his food to his room, which was fine by you. He said he wanted to eat and just watch some TV before falling asleep. He’s so emotionally and mentally exhausted, so you don’t blame him for wanting to just rest.

Sighing loudly, you flop down in bed and close your eyes. John trails his nails up your back and into your hair, and you hum before you open your eyes to look at him. He holds your gaze as you sit up, then he pulls you into his arms and hugs you. You melt into the warmth of his embrace, scooting up more so you’re comfortable.

John leans back and sighs, “You think he’s okay?”

“He will be,” you whisper, nodding your head, “It’s just going to be an adjustment for now. It doesn’t help that we literally live down the street from them but he’s safe here.”

“What Laura said about you earlier,” he shakes his head, “None of that is true.”

You start to laugh, “She called me a slut! And a whore! Can you believe that? Me? A slut?”

“You’re certainly not a slut,” John says, chuckling a little.

“Well, I mean, I am a slut for you.” you say, which makes John laugh harder than he has all day. “The fact that her mind even went there disgusts me. I have never looked at him like that. He’s like…a little brother or a son, really.”

John nods, “She’s just upset. I’m not justifying it, but there’s no way anyone would think that about you. She’s just mad.”

“I know,” you look down at your hands and shrug, “I feel so bad for him. I can’t imagine…ever treating Ro like that. She’s my baby. I’m suppose to love and protect her, not hurt her.”

“I think I see a lot of myself in Logan,” John admits as you look at him, “I think that’s why this situation is so hard for me and why I get so protective of him. It’s hard for me to control my anger more than it should be. I just see so much of myself in him. He’s so lost and unloved, and he really needs someone to show him that he has worth. What better person to do that than you. You did it for me.”

You tear up as you look at him, “You have so much worth, babe. Logan does too. And you both had it before I ever even came along.” Silence blankets the room for a few minutes before you look at John. “Were people…mean to you too when you were younger?” you ask, and he inhales deeply before looking over at you with the saddest eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

“It just comes with the territory.”

“It shouldn’t.” you say, holding his gaze, “No one deserves to be treated like that, especially not a child. Especially not you.”

John leans over, cupping your face and kissing you. You scoot closer to him and pull the blanket up so you can touch him, and you both lay back on the bed but his lips never leave yours. You start to pull his boxers down a little, but you’re startled by a knock on the door.

John leans up a little and looks over his shoulder at the door, “Think Ronan knows how to get out of her bed and knock yet?”

“No,” you laugh, getting out of bed. You open the door and smile when Logan stands with his back to you, “I’m decent, Logan.”

“Oh, okay,” he turns around and looks over your shoulder at John before looking at you, “I just wanted to say thank you for letting me stay here. I promise I won’t be a hassle or anything.”

You smile, “We’re not worried about it. We’re just glad you’re here and that you’re safe. Not that you’ll have to worry about it again, but next time you’re looking for somewhere to stay, you can come here. You don’t have to sleep on a bench.”

“Or in our backyard.” John chimes in, and you laugh as you move to the side so they can see each other. “That’s kind of creepy.”

Logan grimaces before smiling, “I didn’t want to wake up Ronan.”

You wave it off, “We’d rather deal with a sleepy baby than you getting sick or being uncomfortable outside.”

“About the stuff my mom said…”

You wave your hand again, “Don’t worry about it.”

“It wasn’t very nice.”

“Well, no, but she’s upset. I’m not worried about it. I know it’s not true. I’m pretty crazy about that big dope back there,” you say, using your thumb to gesture to John over your shoulder, and John starts to laugh, “Plus I’m almost old enough to be your mom, so I’m not really interested in you.”

Logan scrunches up his face, “Yeah, that’s gross. You’re like a big sister.”

John laughs, “Good. I’d fight you otherwise, kid.”

“I believe it.” Logan laughs, then he smiles at you.

“Hey, speaking of…” John gets up and walks over to join you, “I’m sorry--well, I’m not sorry that I did it--but sorry you had to see me…you know…”

Logan nods when John imitates punching his own jaw, “Oh, no, he deserved it.”

“I will do anything that I have to do to protect her,” John says, gesturing to you, “I protect my family. I hope you know that includes you.”

That totally touched Logan but he plays it off and just nods his head. The light catches a tear in his eye though. Fucking adorable.

“I won’t be loud or anything since I’m going to bed and I know Ro is sleeping, but I just wanted to let you guys know I’m watching TV.”

“You don’t have to tell us what you’re doing every minute, bud,” John says as he backs away, “You’re welcome to do whatever. Obviously Ro is sleeping, but whatever you do in your room is your business. Tomorrow we can go and get the rest of the things you need and get you a new phone as well.”

Logan looks down, “I need to get a new bank account too. My parents have me on theirs, so…”

“We’ll take care of everything that we can tomorrow.” you say to him, and he nods. “Go get some rest. If you get hungry, there’s plenty of food as well.”

“I can just get anything I want?” he says, perking up when you nod. “Wow.”

You reach out and hug him, “You’re safe here, Logan.”

“Thank you,” he hugs you tighter before he lets go, “I’ll see you two in the morning.”

“Okay, goodnight.”

Logan turns around and stares at you for a moment like he’s seeing a ghost, “Goodnight.”

Has no one ever said goodnight to him before?

Closing the door, you turn back to John and smile at him as he watches you. You crawl into bed and laugh when he leans down and kisses you several times, and you lean back to hold his gaze. His hand is resting on your hip, and you squint your eyes playfully at him.

“You arguing with Laura was pretty sexy.”

You start to laugh, “God, you’re so weird.”

“I just think you’re sexy when you get angry.”

“I don’t get this reaction when I get mad at you for leaving the toilet seat up.”

John cocks up his brow, “I don’t leave the toilet seat up.”

“Yeah, true,” you cup his face and look into his eyes, “Thanks for being such a good man.”

“I want to be the best man for you.”

A smile spreads across your face, “You are the best man for me. Ronan and I are so lucky. And you know what? Logan is lucky too. Thank you for taking him under your wing. We are so lucky to have you in our lives, babe.”

John nods as he looks down, then he looks at you with tears in his eyes, “Thank you.”

You start to tear up as you look at him, so you hug him tight and close your eyes, just holding each other for a few minutes. You start to laugh when John’s left hand slides down your thigh, and you lean back to look at him, raising your brows a little.

“You have to be insanely quiet.”

“I can do that,” he whispers as he crawls on top of you, “I can be so quiet.”

Laughing quietly, you lift your hips up so John can get your shorts off, and he licks his lips and leans down to kiss your stomach as he hums. He moves lower and inhales deeply when he gets between your legs, and you laugh when he closes his eyes and drops his head.

“God, you smell so good!”

“Quiet,” you whisper as you pull him up to you, “You have to be quiet.”

John grins as he leans down to kiss you, then he shakes his head, “It’s not me I’m worried about.”

You bite your lip as you start to laugh, “Okay, I’ll be quiet too.”

Your left arm is draped over John’s pillow and as soon as he brushes his lip between your legs, you grab his pillow and press it to your face. Yeah, being quiet is harder than it seems.

_

@multifandombliss @ruby-octo @tnu-ree @sakurachan-9 @beingnerdyissupercool @scream-queen-25 @ladyren33

[genericpuff]

I got 3 questions for you

1. So, if persephone can do bad things and get a reward for it, does it mean you can say the same argument for apollo when he SA persephone but he the bad guy for likely persephone and hate hades?

2. Why does everyone still talking about Apollo SA persephone like it 2 weeks ago and not 10 years ago(like it said) plus persephone may or may not forgotten about it? 

3. Will you change all the females (not all them tho, but) hairstyles or keep them same because I'm very tired of the same slick back and slick side, it's not that I don’t hate them or anything just it doesn't have unique to the hair like persephone having flowers on hair ( sorry, it hard for me trying to explain).

aight let's do this

1.) this is a question that comes up a lot because it helps us observe the morality line in LO and how it's applied effectively (it is not). one does have to wonder why we're supposed to root for Persephone but condemn characters like Minthe. one has to wonder why people will use "well greek myth was fucked up" as a defense of LO but then still expect people to take the SA plot seriously when SA is something that happened all the time in greek myth. this isn't to say things like the SA shouldn't be taken seriously, they ABSOLUTELY SHOULD, but then the comic will ask us to not think too hard about persephone abusing a lower class person. tl ; dr: lore olympus can't pick a lane and it shows in how it expects us to root for some characters and trash on others even though they've both committed similarly-heinous acts.

2.) i'm gonna apologize in advance because i'm really gonna like, come at you here, but this question comes across as very victim-blamey. I get if that wasn't your intention so I'm not gonna drill into you too hard, but that's often used as an argument for SA victims to just "get over it". There's no timeline as to when or how long it should take for a victim of SA to heal from what happened to them. Speaking candidly an SA victim myself, I still struggle with sex as an adult because of how much it affected me when I was younger (especially considering it happened when I was still in my formative years, like my brain straight up wasn't done developing yet so that had lasting effects that I still feel today). People are still talking about it, not because Persephone seems to have forgotten about it, but because Rachel herself clearly wants the narrative and her own audience to forget about it, as it's the one plotline she clearly never intended to write.

And when I say she "never intended to write" I mean that literally, apparently when she first uploaded the assault episode she didn't even put a trigger warning because she legitimately didn't see what happened as assault. So she quietly retconned it by adding the trigger warning and later expanding on the plotline through Eros explaining to Persephone what happened. Which wasn't necessarily the wrong thing to do, I think that initial conversation with Eros is quite meaningful in getting across that being nagged into sex =/= consent, but it's become abundantly clear that Rachel is just pretending this was her plan all along, when the proof in the narrative and writing shows that it never was. You can't just throw in an SA plot for drama but it's very clear that's what Rachel's using it for and that's where the criticism lies when people talk about Persephone's progress - the comic tries to convince us she's "over it" but we've never actually seen her side of things, we see more screen time and backstory given to the assaulter's POV (Apollo) and the POV of the friends of the victim (Hermes, Artemis, Hades, etc.) than we do from the actual victim (Persephone).

I hope that makes sense? The ten year time skip in and of itself isn't the problem, the problem is that Rachel wrote in a 10 year time skip that she clearly never planned out so she could get Persephone's AOW punishment over with ASAP and so she could artificially retcon things on a whim by inserting them as flashbacks. Rachel doesn't use flashbacks as an actual narrative device, she uses them as a crutch so she can patch together things as she comes up with them because she hasn't written out an actual story. And there's no single plotline that demonstrates that more than the SA plotline.

3.) I'm definitely trying to have fun with the hairstyles, the way the hair is done in LO just goes to show that Rachel only knows how to draw 3 faces LMAO That said, I'm also trying to keep it within the design choices of the original comic as much as possible, so aside from new characters (such as Dionysus and Charon) I won't be changing things too much, just enough to make them feel fresh but still recognizable (ex. Persephone's mid-length hair when she cuts it at Hades' house).

[thenotsoholyspirit]

✨The Devil’s in the Details✨

(Pt 3/?)

(Matt Murdock x Reader)

AU: Well here's the third chapter, I hope you're liking it so far. I'll try to work on my other story these days so if I don't make an update on this one its just that I may be a bit overwhelmed by Uni Thanks ❤️❤️

(Part two in here

Summary: Trying to makes end meet as a young woman has never been easy, even less living in the turbulent city that is New York. When (y/n) will have to make an impossible choice, she'll have to decide between the ones she cares the most. It's never safe to fall in love, especially with that mysterious lawyer at the bar she's been working at and the secret she guards underneath.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/—/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

I have always hated the smell of Hospitals.

As I enter the long term aisle, the scent of bleach and hand sanitizer already overwhelms my senses. My head is already starting to turn.

Saturdays were my only free day of the week, and visiting my mother in the morning has been my routine for quite a while now.

I finally reach her room as I softly knock at her door frame.

“Is Miss Emmerston here ?”

I smile at her as she’s already awake eating her breakfast. I was happy to see her being able to eat solid food again, even if I knew how tasteless the meals here usually were.

“Honey.” She softly smiles back at me, “You came in early today” 

My mother’s voice has always been so sweet. 

Looking at her, I understand how people so often say I’m her carbon cop, the only difference being the color of my skin that I surely inherited from my father. 

“How are you feeling this morning mom ?”

“Not bad… not bad… Doctors have said my last treatment has been giving good results ”

I’ll never know what triggered it all, but I still have the vivid image of my mother laying on the ground as I had to call the emergency number. A late diagnosis of HF they told me, lucky she even made out at this stage. 

Apparently it was a family issue as they also did some exams on me and discovered I did need a pacemaker. I had to decline it as I couldn’t afford it. 

I’ve been ok for now I'll manage  

Of course the total bill didn’t come in cheap, especially as my mother had to often prolong her stays at the hospital.

“I have a good feeling this time” 

I force myself to smile at her. 

I didn't want to worry her either about my current situation and she seemed to be genuinely happy. 

She suddenly gives me a curious look, a little smirk being visible on her lips.

“What about you honey… any special news ?” She murmured, “Any boyfriend out there ?”

I slightly blush as she asks me so, unwillingly thinking about Matt.

“Mom…y know I ain't got time for that stuff”

My mother gives me a sad smile shaking her head 

“You’re so young and pretty, you also need to enjoy life y'know honey”

I look out the window, thinking about my late night conversation with Fisk. He hasn’t reached for me yet.

“I will… I will… for now I'm here for you”

I take her hand as I hold it with a strong grip, giving her a kiss on her forehead.

I'll get you through this mom. No matter what it may cost me

“Anyways” , I lighten my tone a bit as I get some needles and wool from my bag, “It’s time we continue to knit that scarf.. shall we ?“

……….

She hasn’t called in yet.

Maybe it was a bit rushed, but it's been some days and he hasn’t heard anything from the waitress at Josie’s . Matt has started to question if his idea of leaving a contact card was the correct one.

“Matt,  you stop pacing around the room please ?” Foggy murmurs slightly annoyed “I’m trying to read up some papers here”

Matt shakes his head, he wouldn’t admit he was hoping for her call

“Sorry for that Foggs”, he sits down “I’m just trying to come out with a good opening statement for this case” 

“Bullshit, you’re thinking about that girl aren’t you “

Matt sighs, he wasn’t in the mood to have that conversation. Foggy smiles, taking it as an affirmation of his suspicions.

“You could’ve actually given her your number rather than your lawyer credentials” Foggy couldn’t hide is smirk, “She may have thought you were in search of a client, not a date”

Matt chuckles softly as he can’t help but to be humored by Foggy's remark.

“What about both ?” Matt interjects “I can’t explain it, Foggs.. there’s something about her..”

“So you’re attracted to her?”

“No.. o well yes… o well I meant.. I couldn’t exactly read her…it was intriguing”

Foggy didn’t seem to be fully following.

“She was clearly attracted to you too mate.. especially with you using that charm”

Matt shakes his head, that wasn’t the point he was trying to get across. It was mostly obvious (y/n) was attracted to him, her heartbeats increasing and the temperature of her skin getting hotter too. Yet, she didn’t even dare to take a risk at him that night. Not one word, not even a playful tone, it’s like she is holding herself back. Matt could also sense her being overstimulated by the environment yet did not falter to smile once.

“I’m not sure how to explain it…”

He thinks back at the conversation he couldn’t help but to ear drop, as he learned she was the one taking care of her mother.

“I just feel she may also need our help”. 

Foggy stands up as he lets out a chuckle, patting Matt's shoulder.

“I think you’re just trying to justify yourself in here “, as he’s about to leave the room he gives Matt a look “Just try to drop the virtuous vigilante stuff for once and have some fun all right ?” 

Matt resigns as he simply nods

“I will Foggs I will… see ya tomorrow”

As Matt is now alone in his office, he wonders if he should be the one to call back.

The memory of her sweet perfume, soft voice and nervous chuckles returns to his mind again.

All night he could sense her going back and forth serving clients, as he had hoped he could have talked to her more.

Guess that’ll stay a mystery 

Suddenly the phone rings, and Matt is surprised someone had called in so late

“Nelson and Murdock ?”

“Matt is that you.. I don’t know if you remember but you gave me that card… at Josie’s ?”

It was her voice. He freezes for a second until he continues with a nonchalant tone.

“(y/n) glad to hear you.. listen it's late now but we could continue this conversation tomorrow afternoon if you’re free” 

The voice on the other side of the line hesitates slightly but continues.

“I’ll be working… but I could do a cup of coffee during my lunch break “

“Any place in mind or-

“What about Owls Cafe, its not to far from my  job”

Matt liked her decisiveness

“Works for me… then meet ya there at 12 all right ?”

 “All right… goodnight Matt”

“Goodnight”

He hangs as a little smirk appears on his face.

This girl had piqued his curiosity indeed. 

[circular-bircular]

It drives me up a wall that ppl argue “anti endos are the only harassers!!!” And yet the past few days the sys course tag has been nothing but going against anti endos for? Some reason? Like just outta nowhere I started to see posts going on and on about how anti endos are sooo horrible and how dare they want anti endo only spaces like hello pot??

It’s just… infuriating to see it all bcs why the hell would anyone even consider looking at a different perspective if the first thing they see is people bashing anti endos (and often CDD systems in the same breath) and using that to uplift pro/endos like you can’t seriously claim to want anti endos to listen when everything is about insulting/shaming anti endos in a number of ways some less subtle than the last

I’m neutral on it all but if I was still anti today and thought “well maybe I should try to understand their side” and saw all that then?????? Hell no

Hell even being neutral I’m still not favorable to interactions bcs I don’t want that kinda energy in my space

Sry I’m just so GAH about it all and saw your post on syscourse stances and the harassment thing and was just “finally”

(Ough I’m so sorry I’m rambling hard on this one)

I fully agree that anti-endos aren’t the only harassers. But I also agree that endogenic systems are going through a lot right now. It’s easy for me to not see, but that’s because I’ve got a lot of folks blocked. There really are a lot of anti-endo assholes popping up each day lately, and I’m sorry for all the Endogenic systems dealing with that hatred. I’ve been there. It fucking sucks. I also am sorry for the CDD systems suffering through hatred currently, regardless of syscourse stance. It’s all hellish sometimes.

In my eyes, the way a lot of pro-endos tackle things isn’t beneficial. It’s either bait to encourage anti-endos to rage (which is often triggering to boot), or it’s just vocalizing hatred into a public space. Neither of these things are needed, especially if the goal is to make it so that anti-endos “aren’t a thing anymore.” Anti-endos fall into this same trap; many are trying to protect their disorders, but they do so via harassment, mockery, or similarly vocalized hatred. All in some attempt to “make things better for ‘real’ systems.”

It feels like many people in syscourse are doing something I like to call Aimless Activism. They know something is wrong (fakeclaiming, bad sources, ableism, etc), so they rally against it loudly and boldly, because That’s The Point. You’re Supposed To.

I’m guilty of this myself honestly. But… you need a goal. You need to have a point beyond This Is Activism, because if you don’t have an actionable goal, then you’re not actually working toward anything. You’re just shouting.

My goal on my blog is to share my personal experiences and talk about things that interest me. That’s it. I’ve tried to be an Aimless Activist for awhile now, convincing myself that it’s activism to argue online. And I don’t know, maybe to some, my blog fits that description. But at this point, I don’t… think it matters. I’m tired of playing in this giant sandbox where everyone is kicking the sand in each other’s faces while I try to build my sand castle.

I think a lot of other people are too. Has anyone else noticed how many new faces there are here? How a lot of the old faces have gone away? People are tired of the sandbox games where everyone kicks around sand. People want real things, real conversations, real connections — regardless of some stupid arbitrary label.

And that’s where it comes back to. “Stupid arbitrary label.” The ones who care about the labels are still playing in the sandbox and they’re gearing up for another round of fighting with “the other side.” Meanwhile, they don’t realize that the sandbox is only one tiny part of an enormous playground, and I’m over on the swings with friends I made in the sandbox, laughing about how nice it is to no longer have sand in my eyes.

I wish folks the best for getting out of there.

[goldenglock-preacher]

Since you were looking for short goldenglock ideas...

Grisha notices that John is like...severely depressed today. More than usual. He starts trying anything to cheer him up, just throwing himself at John in every way possible, cuddling with him, babbling on and on about nothing to keep him entertained, etc. Until eventually he resorts to telling John outright how much he cares about him, and that's the one thing that seems to get through.

(No pressure, idk if you take writing prompts!)

Omg thank you and yes please send me all the prompts you can come up with I will take every opportunity to write about these fuckers and not worry about the main fics plot progression. That post was basically asking for prompts.

Things take place after the 4th movie so John cuts ties with everyone and is in Grisha’s circle “full-time”, living with him. Decided to make it take place in a longer span than a day because Grisha is way too dumb to find a solution that quickly. 

Idk how we got here but now there’s also insomnia??

“I worry about you.”

John is hands down the calmest person in Grisha’s circle. Nobody has the same amount of emotional control, which often made him the supportive rock involuntarily. This group full of relationship drama and misunderstandings would just gravitate towards him, like a voice of reason, even though he wasn’t the best at giving advice. 

Being able to make him smile was Grisha’s biggest accomplishment but recently…he just couldn’t manage to do it. Everything that worked before just suddenly stopped and he would see John get lost in his own mind more than usual. 

- John, listen, something bit Volodya in the ass and now he’s throwing an absolute shitstorm my way, so we have to leave in like-

- I’ll stay.

Grisha’s thoughts break off, as he tries to put on his leather jacket in a haste.

- Are you…sure?

It might sound silly but this was somehow the thing that triggered Grisha’s alarm. Nearly every time Grisha tells John about his plans, the man is already at the door. He doesn’t always end up being useful but he still finds these little adventures entertaining enough to join in even on the most mundane tasks. They were basically inseparable. 

- Yeah…

Grisha would have stayed, if the phone wasn’t aggressively vibrating in his pocket right now.

- Okay then…see you for dinner?

John nods.

God, it felt weird saying that. 

****

He felt bad being out of the house for so long and when he came back, he expected to see John asleep at this point…but he wasn’t. He was laying on the couch, staring at the blank TV screen. There was an empty take-out bag in the kitchen. To Grisha’s surprise, John seemed to have ordered delivery while he was home.

Grisha completely stopped using delivery once he moved in, because John would rather cook himself. So all of this was really uncharacteristic for him. 

- I’m home.

He finally spoke up, watching John slowly sit up.

- What, not even a bark?

Grisha lets out a laugh, hoping that he will break John with just the stupidity of that sentence but it’s like he didn’t even register the words.

- What are you doing up so late anyways? It’s…

Grisha checked his watch

- 3 AM.

- Just…didn’t feel like sleeping.

John answered in a mellow voice. 

- C’mon John, I was gone for just a day, no way you started missing me this much already!

He was sure that this would at least pull a protest out of John but, once again, it’s like he didn’t have any energy for Grisha’s antics, which made the conversation awkward, to say the least. His joking was completely cut short and now he didn’t have any ideas. 

****

He took a whole day off, just to stay with John and convince him to go outside. They were side by side the whole day, just one on one, with nothing to do but bast in each other’s company…but it didn’t help. John still seemed to not be entirely here, instead drowning in his thoughts that Grisha, sadly, couldn't read. He was desperately showing John love at this point, not letting the man’s skin breath without him for too long. Shoulder grabs, holding hands, hugs, as if his touch could send a message. John didn’t push him away but wouldn’t respond much either, like a stone statue. 

****

Is insomnia contagious? It started to feel like it is. Grisha was laying on the bed for what feels like an eternity but the inner turmoil of knowing that John is not happy right now, makes his eyes stay open. He couldn't just leave him like this...so he got up.

Grisha walks into the living room and leans on the wall, crossing his arms, watching John mindlessly sitting on the floor and staring at the screen. He wasn’t actually watching it, none of the channels registered in his brain. He just pressed the remote button over and over again, in a rhythm, even. He wasn’t really asleep but also not awake. It was hard, seeing him like this. Despite his talents and strengths, lack of sleep can take anyone out.

Grisha sighs, with a bit of hesitation, but finally gets enough courage to step towards him.

- Sorry, did I wake you up?

John addressed him first but didn’t look away. At least he’s aware that Grisha is standing there, next to him…which is something.

- I worry about you.

He delivers it to him straight, which seemed to have grabbed his attention. John’s finger stopped clicking the button, now looking at nothing but static. He was still silent so Grisha didn’t have much choice other than just continue. 

- I’m watching you get tortured by things outside of my understanding and there’s nothing I can do. 

John gently places the remote on the floor, as if to make sure the sound doesn’t interrupt him.

- I want to give you everything. I want to make it better but I’m just…too stupid to figure out how.

He couldn’t be sentimental without at least an awkward joke for too long. John lowers his head, looking at the floor. He’s trying to hide his face with his hair.

- You deserve happiness…or sleep, at least. 

Grisha gestures to the TV.

- I’m so lucky to have a chance to be the one to give you that happiness…but I don’t know how to help a man who’s stronger than I could ever be.

After a beat, John picks up the remote once again but only to turn the TV off. He leaves the remote on the floor and finally gets up on his feet. His eyes, slightly watery. 

- Let’s go to bed.

[ambiguousintentions]

4.9.2024 Reflection

Damn. It's been more than a year since I left education and half a year since I ditched my last set of friends (had to; they hurt me bad, and their texts were beginning to trigger anxiety attacks).

Sober for about 3 weeks now for an electrician apprenticeship I applied for. Couldn't do corporate- fuckers wanted to only give me a $1.50/hr raise after I reworked their entire operations system and developed SOPs for them. Making silly YouTube videos in the meanwhile, which is honestly so fun. If only it could be more lucrative though- then I'd truly be living.

Ever since I ditched my friends, I just keep trying to reflect on all the ways I'm shitty. Am I just too sensitive? Was I actually not a good friend? Was I not educated enough? Was I too offensive? Too snobbish? Not proactive enough? What could I have done to make them care about me more?

All of those are probably true to some degree, but it's hard to tell what degree. It's easy to feel like everything's your fault. My fault for getting too upset too easily, for not letting social issues go, for not knowing when to just chill. To be honest, I've kind of stopped trying to make friends. I just feel like I'm wasting everyone's time. Why bother when I know that I'm just 4th choice? I know you're barely enjoying this conversation; I'll release you from it. Sorry.

But today one of my students found the Gen Alpha rant video I made about 3-4 months ago, where I detailed about problems I saw in the education system. When I left education, I left my last high school once fall semester was over; admin had about a month to find a replacement for me, which I thought was reasonable enough time. The student who commented on my video yelled at me for leaving them and asked why I couldn't just suck it up, because they had an apathetic sub for the rest of the year. They said that I shouldn't blame my colleagues (cause I blamed them for playing movies all the time and literally letting the kids literally re-enact squid games instead of actually learning and doing work, which lead to a lot of shitty attitudes and behavior (and of course there were other criticisms but they agreed with those)) since they were probably experiencing the same stress I was experiencing. But they also said that my class was the only class they felt like they learned from.

I feel like crying. I feel strangely validated. Thanks; I didn't know you were actually learning from my class. I'm so happy to hear you learned. You're right though- I am weak. Sorry. I don't know how to fix that. I'm working on it, but I don't know how to do that faster. I don't know what I could possibly do now to fix my mistake of leaving. Am I your deadbeat dad???

I do that often I think. Sometimes people want to get to know me, but I've already decided we've got nothing in common. I don't want to bore them, and I wouldn't want them to bore me. So I give up before I give it an honest effort.

But it just has me thinking... how many times has this probably happened? I leave because I'm failing when in reality I'm not??? I leave because I feel myself getting increasingly bitter and frustrated and know that if I stay in that same place for too long, I'm going to blow up and do or say something I'll regret. It's just... it takes me so long to reflect on things. To figure out how I feel. I mean, fuck, I'm finally at a place where I feel like I COULD potentially have a conversation with one of my old friends without having an anxiety attack, but it's been 6 fucking months.

I feel like a mess. I've been repeatedly transforming myself for the last decade. I looked back on my posts from years ago, and I can't help but feel like I still harbor the same underlying issues. I feel like the wisdom I've gained over the years has helped me control the damage a bit better yet at the same time the collective damage is breaking me. I wonder when I'll be done transforming and finally settle into the form I've made for myself.

And yet. At the same time... when I look back at those posts... and see how upset I was ten years ago- similar to how upset I was in the past year-

I can't help but laugh and smile at the journey I've been on. Such a winding and long journey only to end up in the same psychological spot but in a different physical setting. Did I truly go anywhere? Is the whole point to do another cycle just so you can laugh all over again about the convoluted way you took just to arrive back in your haunted home of a body?

[thegayneurodivergentagenda]

pran autism anon here!!! hi friend!!

so i was working on a fic today and i started wondering about pran and his diagnoses. obviously, as of our skyy, his ocd is diagnosed. i figured his autism could also have been diagnosed at the same time, but since him being autistic isn't canon, we will never know. there's also a possibility of him being diagnosed with autism as a kid (in my fic, this is what happened and the reason he got his ocd diagnosis in his 20s is because he and the people around him kept attributing a lot of his ocd symptoms to autism), but a lot of his behaviours and his tendency to mask lead me to believe that he grew up undiagnosed and learnt all these masking methods as a defence mechanism. yes i spent my sociology class today thinking about pran and how likely he would be to have a professional autism diagnosis in my totally canon version of bad buddy which is basically exactly bad buddy but pran is canonically autistic and aware of the fact. as i was writing this i also realised it's entirely possible that he is autistic and just doesn't know it yet. so yeah i was wondering what your opinions on this were? if you've ever thought about it.

sorry if none of this made any sense i am tired rn

I wrote an answer to this but tumblr glitched and deleted all of taking away my entire dopamine spike with it.

But I'm here again, more prepared than ever to write my thesis: Pran probably was unaware of his autism, majorly due to his relationship with his mother and Pat.

The premise of my thesis is rooted in the ways high functioning autistic traits manifest in Pran have always been rewarded and/or neglected because of his relationship with both Pat and Dissaya.

Symptom: Executive Dysfuntion , ie, the inability to plan, monitor, prioritize, make decisions etc.

The Executive Dysfuntion that would otherwise render most neurodivergents paralysed for an amount of time they can not perceive, does little to influence both Pat and Pran. They are being run by the mutual dopamine release of having to compete. Having an external source of pressure/deadline/competition provides just enough dopamine to make both task initiation and cessation easier.

Thus, more often that not, Pran wouldn't be experiencing the executive dysfuntion in presence of Pat and vise versa.

This does bring up the valid tangent of Pran's dysfuntion being visible when he gets transfered. For that, I do believe, mixed with the stress of having to transfer, the anger and hurt of leaving his entire life, the feeling of unfairness triggering his RSD and the need to have to mask for new people would provide enough context for him to attribute the dysfunction to THAT rather than autism.

Specifically with dissaya, the inability to do anything would probably have been met by "you should try again" or "did the neighbour's kid get it?". Would there have been many instances where Pran let dissaya know that he's unable to work? No. Would there have been some instances instances? Yes. Would they have instilled a sense of shame for his inability? Yes, more than what neurotypicals feel for the same inability.

Symptom: "incompetent" social skills (I WILL DIE ON THE HILL THAT DSM 5 JUST TALKS ABOUT INCOMPETENCE BECAUSE ITS WRITTEN BY NEUROTYPICALS WHO THINK THAT LYING TO PEOPLE'S FACES IS CRUCIAL FOR THE CAPITALIST HELLSPACE TO THRIVE I HATE IT SM)

When it comes to Pran, when we first meet him, he's shown to be interacting with his group of friends, he has a very nice conversation with his family and he is the class president for fucks sake. How can he be incompetent amirite???

First of all, he isn't. No one with autism is incompetent. They just have a different dialect.

Second of all, the rules to social interactions and communication is something people with autism learn after being reprimanded for their dialect, which as Anon pointed out previously, leads to a lot of masking.

The crux of masking as a concept comes to this: lying to save yourself.

Pat and Pran learnt early on, beyond their neurodivergence, that they need to lie and manipulate their presentations to save themselves from their families. Their interactions were always ladden with the awareness of the careful line they danced around; of lies and safety alike.

What takes years for us to understand, Pran speedran through. He spent a lot of his time energy trying to find ways to communicate with Pat without getting caught or hurt. And because they both wrote their own rulebook, learning other dialects became easy.

Long story short, given that they lied so much to sustain a friendship they both wanted, their ability to mask was never seen as a burden. It's just another lie. Very little emotional toll because their narrative around it is part of the larger struggle: their family. NOT autism.

Dissaya and her husband played a huge role in setting the rules for Pran, but even more so, they probably rewarded him for being poised and better than Pat (and the entire ming clan) at being respectful and correct in his speech. Regardless of his own inability to understand and the complex layers of his interactions with Pat, Dissaya taught very stern rules he needed to follow.

His and Dissaya's relationship taught him the needed communication rules to mask effectively, his and Pat's relationship taught him to navigate the guilt and dissonance that comes from masking and lying around social situations.

(Idk if I was coherent enough to explain this but I really hope my point go across)

Lastly, the question that arises then, is do we even believe Pran had autism if he doesn't struggle with the major two symptom?

The short answer: yes.

The long answer:

Struggle is not a contingency for you to qualify for a disability. Struggle may be visible or invisible. The costs of a disability may be visible or invisible.

He also had the privilege of having a neurodivergent best friend/enemy from the day he was born. And the clearly defined social language tutor of a mother.

That being said, it's not that he did not struggle, rather that he was able to build his world to minimize the costs and struggle.

The reason I so throughly believe in Pran’s Autism is because of the ways his everyday life (and P'Aof) shows the invisible struggle.

His hyperfixation with the smilies that he's used to understand and deal with emotions (symptom: emotional dysregulation, hyperfixation). His rigidity to his mechanisms (symptoms: routines and rituals). His inability to prioritize smaller decisions like going to save wai over his pens being set correctly (symptom: Executive Dysfuntion). His self rejection around being a burden and hyperindependance (symptom: RSD, Shame). His inability to let go of something that hurt him deeply, seemingly little to everyone else but a core issue for him in OURSKY2 when Pat jokes about Pran needing him.

Most importantly, he embodied Internalized ablism, one of the worst consequence of high functioning mental illness/conditions. Because we're able to be productive (barely) according to neurotypical standards it's second nature to fool yourself into thinking your disability doesn't even exist (@honeysachet bb).

But it's every single time Pran tells himself he should just take one more workload and it'll be okay. Sound with stage props and dating the actor in secret? Surely that would not be too much ??? The way he chose to take up an entire shifting of house because he felt so fucking guilty about causing Pat inconvenience (I can manage an entire transfer again whatever do you mean?) The way he visibly deflects in front of his parents mentioning not to date Pat (or Paa).

It's the little ways in which he struggles, the otherwise cracks in his perfect picture that he learns to embrace later. But not until his after his OCD diagnosis.

Conclusion: Pran was protected from the worst of his autism's consequences because of his relationship with Pat. Pran internalized a lot of his disability and consequent abelism because of his relationship with his mother. His struggle with his autism was hidden but it still existed, inextricably linked from the epic highs and lows of his life.