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mrsdeliberatecreater · 1 month

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hi, im sorry for bothering u right now. ive been asking around for advice everywhere because i really need all the help i could use right now. my anxiety is flaring up like crazy because my results come out tomorrow and im so scared because if i mess this up then my future is ruined. my mental health has been horrible and that has severely affected my grades but in most asian countries they dgaf about that and basically think it's nonexistant for minors so ofc i'm still undiagnosed, and if i were to apply to a uni i wouldnt get any good chances anywhere. if i could just get 3 Bs in my AS levels it would be okay or else i'd have to retake it and it's super costly here.. i don't wanna put my family through that because they'll talk me down, degrade me, destroy my self esteem which i've managed to build back a little. they were like this since when i was the topper and thats what made me burnout. undiagnosed adhd, trauma, depression also contributed to it

im applying the law, but instead of the feeling of success that everyone else gets i feel panicked. the 'feeling' people usually get when they're in the wish fulfilled state, the feeling of accepting it and it being real—im not getting that. i dont see a clear picture when i visualize. every time i try to, i end up breaking down and feeling like a failure... but I'm still trying to go on because why is it that the people who hurt me and practically ruined my life get to live successfully, while i suffer? thats not fair... i promised myself that if i could just get 3 Bs, ill turn my life around and work really hard... but is it over for me? i want to win, im trying to, but im scared

im trying my best to visualize myself getting 3 Bs, reenacting my friends faces when i get the results, praying to God and thanking Him for blessing me and continuing to bless me, but there is this fear still lingering at the back of my mind... i feel like I'm not doing it right. i have like one day left and I'm so nervous. im going over posts, tweets, and every time I feel a little better, it all comes crashing down because of doubts. theres only one thing one my mind right now: 'how am I gonna turn it around in one day?' i know that the 3D does not matter and that everything is done in imagination, but here i feel like its not done in imagination either

right now nothings clicking in my head, whatever i read is getting scrambled in my mind, i feel so lost and empty. could u please tell me what to do in this specific situation? u can be as harsh as you want if that's what's needed to get the point across. im really sorry for the bother and id be really grateful if u could please help out, ive never been this desperate before... my life cant be over before it even started

Okay love. I need you to do something for me. Take 3 deeeeep breaths.

Okay?

I understand you completely. I understand what are going through completely. I'm Indian, so I know how it can be. I got yelled at by my sister for thinking that I might have ADHD. 👀 Its all good now though. I also used to deal with debilitating anxiety two years ago.. I barely left my room, let alone go to school for a master's degree that I chose and got into serious debt for.. I'm not making this about me, but I just want you know that change is possible.

Anytime you start to feel bad, a anxiety attack coming on, I want you to just keep taking calming deep breaths and focus on the now. Focus on the things you see, things you can hear, smell, etc. Its the feeling of "now". Come back to the "now" as many times as needed if you feel negative thoughts. I would affirm, "Everything is okay, everything will be okay", pick an affirmation that feels natural to you, and affirm.

If you like subliminals, I would recommend: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zX6BKBzVgfk&t=4s This has stopped so many of my anxiety attacks before I learned to let them go..

If not keep doing the breathing exercises. You will find that by repetition this will eventually release the reasons for feeling anxiety in the first place. Take things one day at a time. If it gets bad, ask someone you trust for help.

We alll have doubts. Doubts are fine. As long as you are just focused on the end/wish fulfilled/affirming, you are fine, even with doubts. You don't need to believe with 100% everything till you burst a blood vessel. If you feel like your doubts are overwhelming you, decide that nothing, not even you can stop your desires from manifesting. <3

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you". - Matthew 17:20

If you have the time, I would highly recommend IlluminatingJoy on youtube, especially her https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CT2xyCcoues&t=1727s

She has a really good grasp on manifestation and explains everything so well and accommodates it to fit our "logic", while completely validating human emotions. The exercise she does in this video is so so simple but seriously effective. I catch myself slipping at least once a day that would have spiraled if I hadn't done the exercise.

Also if you want to do this in a day, I want you to focus on your mental diet. Affirm affirm affirm.

If negative thoughts come up, you breathe and think "I can relax, I got all A's". Anything in the 3D reminds you think, "I can relax, I got what I wanted. Your family being mean to you? remember how in class after lunch, your teacher is talking but you're thinking about something else.

Also speaking of that, I know you said you can't your images clearly. That's fine. Visualizing is NOT imagination.

Visualizing is NOT imagination.

My visualizations are never clear and I manifest everything I imagine all the time. They all have that "vignette" effect lol..

Imagination can be a picture, it can be a smell, a touch, a voice, just how someone's clothes smell when they are standing really close to you like in an elevator. Like you can specifically smell it but you KNOW what I'm talking about right?

Your loved ones in your face? Use it YOUR ADVANTAGE. I used to hear my sister compliment me, it was easy to hear her voice. I primarily used her voice to fix our relationship. Cannot for the life of me picture her face properly but thats FINE.

You can use ANY of the senses, just one or two or all. Hear your family saying things you want in your mind. Hear them congratulating you, compliment you.

You can slowly work this into all the other aspects of your life...

By the way, you aren't lost and empty. You are a very caring person, you want to do things so that you don't let your family down, in spite of how they treat you. That to me is a genuinely caring person.

But you need to apply that same care to yourself. You don't need me to be harsh to you, YOU don't need to be harsh to you. You are working so hard to find answers but you ARE the answer. Its okay. Please just rest. Its all yours. Be more soft to yourself, be more kind to yourself, compliment yourself, you will start to see that kindness reflected in the 3D as well.

I have given you a lot of options here so you can pick and choose what makes YOU feel better so that YOU can focus on SELF because

Nothing to change but self

Reach out to me as many times as you would like, you could never bother me.

Nya 🌺

#law of assumption #neville goddard #manifestation #loa #manifesting #loassblog #subliminal #loassumption #robotic affirming #affirm and persist #affirmations

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sharp-tooths · 10 months

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Ok ok hang on cause ive been thinking about something in tristamp and i havent seen anyone else talk about it so i wanna ramble about my source of brainrot-

Tristamp rant w/ spoilers under the cut w/ some minor trimax/98 tidbits

And i cant believe no ones talked about it yet? Or maybe i just havent seen it, but in trigun stampede when Vash is fighting Livio on the sandsteamer and Livio kicks Vash away before Wolfwood gets to him and ya know how vash doesnt immediately get back up?

Well I thought that was kinda weird, considering youve got a guy whos clearly not there mentally with two automatic guns willing to shoot anyone who gets close to him, theres no way vash wouldnt get right back up to continue trying to stop him, but maybe hes trying to give wolfwood his chance, right? But then why does he stay down when Livio aims the gun at himself? For someone who can react fast enough to shoot a bullet out of the air with perfect aim, and wants to save everyone, why didnt he get up to stop him?

So in each rewatch of the show, i would keep looking, and i realized. Its another one of those small details that isnt ever acknowledged or talked about, but if you watch, Livio kicks Vash in the left side of his chest, and when Vash sits back up, he has his hand up over that side of his chest

We still havent clearly seen whats going on on the left side of Vash's chest in tristamp, but since theres clearly at least a scar there, and in trimax/98 he has a metal grate, its easy to come to the conclusion that whatever happened to the left side of his chest was(is) bad, if livio kicking him kept vash down long enough to be unable to save him from killing himself

I know its one of those things you can easily look over, as that would seem like a normal human reaction to having your chest kicked hard enough to send you flying back several feet, but taking into account that Vash is a plant with supernatural healing, and in episode 10 he just basically walks off a gunshot to the gut AND in ep 12 when hes shot down with MULTIPLE bullet wounds he still gets back up fairly quickly (considering a human would most likely be down and out for the count with 4(?) bullets in em) so im wondering if maybe in tristamp theyre even paying attention to the old injuries vash got that were bad enough to Scar a Plant that can Heal himself, and/or maybe how the metal implants in his body could affect him??

Cause i did also notice that tristamp vash had less visible physical scarring, but more metal implants, and im thinkin maybe theyre leanin into the "healing powers" plants have, meaning that maybe plants dont scar as easily as humans, like when wolfwood drinks his vials and ends up 100% fine after being turned into swiss cheese with no scarring (a separate post about conrad being a plant scientist) which ALSO means that any scars Plants DO get, means that it was REALLY. REALLY BAD. Also a separate post about trimax vash possibly going through a litteral blender to end up with those scars as a plant.

Aanyways im done chewing on tristamp for rn im falling asleep

#trigun #tristamp #trimax #trigun stampede #trigun maximum #trigun 98 #vash the stampede #trigun plants #im chewing on trigun viciously and tearing it apart in my mouth to taste every single ingredient #rambling

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seven-stars-in-his-palm · 4 months

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heyyyy💖 your wips sound amazing! Looking at 'in a west end town and dead end world like' 👀👀👀 will this be a multichap or a one shot?

And for the asks🤭 (Hope it's not too much?)

From the first one J & K and and from third one 13, 17 & 22?

HI MARI!!! i have answers for you, friend 🫵

so first off, in a west end town already has three chapter out of four out 🥹 i have one chapter left in the works, so it stilll counts as a wip?? if you'd like it to?? i CAN talk about the last remaining events tho (spoilers just in case you want to read it urself before): aziraphale and crowley's reunion. i am SO excited to show the world that bone crushing hug fr‼️ crowley has been through so much these last six years and deserves to know that aziraphale is still here and still loves him despite his mistake🫵🫵🩷 also having the reassurance that no matter what heaven or hell might do in response to all this, they'll get through it TOGETHER AND THATS ALLL THAT MATTERS pardon me. im emotional

J: What’s your favorite fanfic trope? Have you written it?

i gotta go for them presumed dead/fake character death thangs 🗣 i will genuinely NEVER get over it, its just so MMMMMMMM. im gonna read more of them tonight actually, this has just reminded me i wanted to. and as for writing it...the closest ive done is it comes and goes and that one kid from jersey, but not exact exact. but two of my bang fics do involve it for a little while!!! 🔥🔥

K: Do you have a guilty pleasures in fic (reading or writing)?

watching characters be angry at the universe. specific, yeah, but this little trope can be molded in soooo many ways and i'll eat it up EVERY TIME!!!!!! imagine it like the "show me a great plan" scene. THAT anger, whether it be obvious or not, KILLS ME. i have crowley get close to these of moments multiple times in my fics, even if its not always noticable. sometimes that anger is masked for aziraphale. ougj

13) what’s a common writing tip that you almost always follow?

write what you have energy go at that moment? wanna write chronologically? go ahead. wanna write the climax when you havent even wrote the first scene? right-o. wanna write one scene in the second act that makes you feel all soft inside? hell yeah. do whatever you want forever!!!!!

17) what do you do when writing becomes difficult? (maybe a lack of inspiration or writers block)

step away for a while (from either a couple days or weeks), read other fics, and shower. those are usually the go-tos, because most of time whenever i cant write its due to some external force like tiredness or boredom rather than "i dont know what to write". i know what to do, i just cant DO it because it feels like miniscule progress in comparison to what i want when its meant to be finished. doing something else usually helps :)

22) are there certain types of writing you won’t do? (style, pov, genre, tropes, etc)

first person pov, accidental pregnancy, and smut are the rock solid nos, but everything else is possible (though some things need a lot more convincing than others). and that "everything else" is very fluid. i am very attached to hurt/comfort and pain tho

#ask game

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forestryfae · 10 months

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but yeah. basically ive been sleeping during the day a lot and it sucks. works not going as good as i wish it did. balancing work and homelife isnt easy, and homelife is lacking.

i have an important letter i need to send, gotta call teh dentist, im supposed to be taking meds for rosascea but im not allowed to keep the meds in my room and noone is helping me remember the medication (which is stupid as fuck cus when im late to work once or twice theyre IMMEDIATELY on my ass asking if i need someone to come wake me up. hello??) i also have to call whoever gave me my drivers license for practicing or else i might have to take the whole course again.

i also have to go home for 3 weeks and im not looking forward to that. and i need to go spend christmas with mom which like. free food ig. family will need christmas presents but like im broke and i just dont see why. they fucking suck. why am i wasting money on people who care so little about me that they treat me like absolute dogshit. no basic respect or common decendy, talking down to me and treating me like shit all the time, literally anything that can be criticized will be critizied, no respect for boundaries and throwing fucking temper tantrums if i get mad that they trampled over them, just doing whatever the fuck they want and expecting me to be okay with it. nothing is ever good enough but if you dont try youre a lazy brat with no willpower. mental illness exists but its never the root of the problem, its always you. also everyone around them are mindreaders and if you didnt predict what they wanted youre an asshole and you lack common sense.

and i have to spend the next three weeks dealing with this shit with no chance of escape cus they can just show up with no warning at my house. she doesnt care if i was asleep or busy, that just gives her an excuse to be bitchy about it. the world revolves around noone and dont think youre something special except for if youre her. fucking bitch.

but yeah ill be spending 3 weeks mostly trying not to go insane. i need to clean the kitchen, bathroom, hallway and bedroom. i need to go through all the stuff in the kitchen so i dont have a million things i never even touch in there, plus i gotta actually cook every day and i have to go shopping atleats once a week, which wont be easy. the bedroom is a emss so i really want to clear out as much of it as possible, especially w the writing desk i have. its enormous and swallows up the whole room, and i have just a bunch of stuff and garbage lying around that i dont know what to do with.

then theres the bathroom, which is easy enough, but the cats been pissing on some of my clothes on the floor in there since noone in my family understands the concept of closing doors and not letting the cats play in insulation. like the doors dont. magically open by themselves. they were left open. theres also a fuckton of laundry and cleaning off the dryingracks since moms been fucking with those again, and she absolutely has been messing up my sorting. i went through my clothes and decided on what i want to keep and what not and now i 100% guaranteed have to go through that stuff again.

and like. i also have to look at what i have and what i dont have. cus i got some plastic boxes that i was gonna put stuff i wnated to keep in and i never got around to it so i have to just hope i can find it in me to bother going through verything in the house and packing what i actually want i really want to ask the people at the thriftshop i work at if they want like 4 or 5 boxes, if not more when im done, of just garbage. but at the same time, i KNOW theyll clean everything before selling it but i dont want to touch any of it and i dont want it anywhere near me. im so tired of cleaning and bad vibes. im so tired of stuff just not working out.

also. have been considering moving my bedroom to the livingroom. like it just seems easier but at the same time i dont want people in there or people going through my shit when im not at home. idk. its more like a bandaid in an attempt to deal with a broken leg that isnt healing cus its not in acast or getting medical attention.

#talkies

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kruel-kilo · 4 months

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it’s so much easier said than done a lot of the time i’m ngl. i be faltering when i already made a decision/conclusion. while each occurrence differs in the amount of times needed, yknow before it’s fully unambiguous like it’s clicked. im good & clear for life. it’s always been that way, & it’s difficult & im annoyed how attached to empathizing i can be, i just need oneeee more occurrence to get it through my head. how you feel is clear as day but how i feel is deterred & swayed bc of time, potential, desire, possibility for change. however, there’s a threshold. its solely about how i feel. there’s no way to know or consider how you feel bc you don’t exist in the present. i feel less & less with time but whenever it’s mentioned its only the informing of how i feel as a result of the past. this is how i feel bc this is what was/ happened. but i’m just telling a story. i entertained energy that was left over,upheld respect, maintained consideration, bc there was still love there. now i dont. i have nothing left to entertain & everything to release/let go of. & in time hopefully forget entirely as theres no silver lining. there’s no beneficial aspect that remains. it would largely be more preferential for you to never have existed entirely. that’s the takeaway; that’s the conclusion. realizing that the only importance of your inclusion in my life, was simply another lesson/reminder of what happens when i allow myself to stay in any space where i’m seen with a lesser value than what is the true worth of my existence. every one gets to choose how they feel and what they see, that’s a blessing. i don’t get to choose the spaces im placed, that’s life. what i can choose is the length of my stay. when its clear im not welcome, staying any longer than it takes me to put my shoes on & make sure ive got everything i brought with me, is detrimental to me. nothing beneficial comes next. that’s not a space im welcome, okay, it’s notated, i understand, im leaving.

that is the lesson i learn over & over & over again & the biggesttt/haRddddest realization that took the longest to accept was the fabrication of whatever felt good/real/true. care/history/promises/postion/pedestal goes out the window.

good cannot exist without the bad & so i’m grateful for the bad. solely benefited as a reminder of the contrast between the 2. in these situations, the lesson is always the same, so i could’ve gone through/experienced whatever with whomever, but if it ends in the same lesson, it’s discarded in the same way. you rarely think about the times you almost get into an accident. you feel grateful to have survived & it’s reinforced to stay cautious when driving. happens all the time. you don’t think about who was in the car; the times you were having, how you’re glad you experienced it with them specifically. it happens, you see the lesson, you feel gratitude & you literally forget about it. until it happens again. you go through the same motions. & you literally forget about it.

i do not care what you’ve done that’s good. i do not care there were times you showed love, gave your support, gave your time. you brought me harm & that is all matters or i’ll remember. the only piece that remains is the lesson i learned from your existence. everything else is discarded, along with your presence/ inclusion in my life. it would’ve been nice to never have known you at all & have been spared/ never experienced that harm. but i did, so im grateful for the lesson. i’ll be the most grateful if i never have to experience you or your energy again.

it won’t always be necessary to like literally block the possibility of anything further. like i never wanna experience this or this person again so what’s in my power to guarantee that. genuinely i think the blocking of/ lesson learned with my dad was the hardest but most pivotal. not always will it be necessary to so manually & forcibly block. however it transpires when ive reached conclusion, the lesson is the same. & im grateful for his departure specifically, because it forcibly showed me how i have the power to decide myself & how it’s possible to choose myself with no consideration for anyone else’s emotions. i said what i said bc this is how i feel. i wouldn’t know how you feel about it & i don’t want to. this is how i feel. no further questions.

in essence, you could be well or you can rot in hell, in either case i don’t give a fuck to ever find out. that’s how it ends. for the sack of confusion, let me clarify & communicate this is how i feel . a simple, consistent routine action that’s followed by a quintessential irish goodbye.

#m #j

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magnoliamyrrh · 10 months

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genuine question how did u deal with your pregnancy scare because i think im going through one at the moment :(

hey dear <3 im sorry to hear that ur going through this, i hope its gonna b a false scare. it can definetely be scary and both times when I've gone through this it made me feel rather crazy

before i say anything else ill say tho: i went through this luckily in a place that allows abortion and knowing i had the money for tests or an abortion. if you dont, please reach out and ill try my best to work together to figure out something that would work. and if itd be really hard to get the money for tests (you can get those at most pharmacies and bigger stores) or an abortion any other way, please also reach out to me; i can most likely help out at least a bit with that. know that you're not alone, many of us have gone through this; it happens 🫂

...mostly, i tried to keep myself grounded and not spiral, which was hard, but i tried. i tried to tell myself that until enough time passed to take a test, there was nothing I could do about it, and thus it'd be best to just not think about it as much as possible until then; just set an alarm for that day and see then, because no amount of worrying, spiraling, thinking, etc. in the meantime would change anything. i also tried to not spiral into self hatred or self blame too much, because that again wouldn't be productive or change anything, just make me feel worse. these things happen, it is what it is.... i still thought about it and freaked out from time to time and it was always in the back of my mind, but trying to just think about it like this helped me during that time, and helped me from losing it as much as i could have..... i also had a tendency to want to put off getting a test and to avoid it, but I tried to tell myself again, that weather i know or dont know it wont change if its positive or not, and thus it would be better to know, and to know before the whole thing goes on longer if it is so. so, taking the actual tests was definetely anxiety inducing and scary, but i tried to tell myself that it had to be done, and it was the better option, and that I would be more okay if I knew, than didn't

.... one of my issues personally was that despite whatever rational thoughts i was having about if i was pregnant i realistically should not keep it for a very long list of reasons, i found out that i had an instict from somewhere in me to want to do so anyway. thus, i was more reticent to find out if i actually am or not, because I didn't know how I would handle that. i really struggled with this both times, dont know if you are. what helped me with that was just telling myself that no matter what, i couldn't. listing to myself all the reasons why it wouldn't work out - both for myself, and because even more importantly i wouldn't realistically be in a position to provide a kid everything they would need and everything that i would want to give them.... and trying to tell myself too, that its alright if i need to get an abortion; its not a bad thing (even though I generally feel this way, I've tended to end up personally conflicted when it comes to me). now, idk how your life is, where you're at, and how you're feeling about all this. what I can say is, if you are actually pregnant it's going to be your decision, and you'll get through it, and you'll be okay, but please if that is the case, really think about it.... but I would generally say, that is not something to keep too much on your mind until you take an actual test (or your period comes). it helped me to tell myself all the thoughts and contemplations just arent doing too much or taking me anywhere until i know

something i tried to tell myself too and that I'll tell u too, is that its gonna be okay. some women have a hard time with abortions, and others don't - thankfully ive never actually had to have one, just been there for friends who have- but it's going to be okay. you'll get through it and come out the other end and you'll be okay. you'll be okay until you find out and after you find out, whatever the results may be. you'll get through it, as you have gotten through other things in life <3

.... im sorry if this didn't help too much, but that's basically how I got through... the first time this happened it was actually due to something non-consensual too which was kinda a different kind of scary and crazy feeling to deal with, and I hope that's not the case with you, but if it is im sorry, and if you want you can send me another ask and I'll share how I got through that one..... but.. mostly.. just try to be gentle and kind with yourself, and try not to overthink until you can get an actual answer. do other things you enjoy, get other stuff you need to get done done, meditate, listen to music, talk to people, whatever may help you keep calm and take your mind off of it in the meantime. and know that you're not alone with going through this, and that youll b okay. ❤️🧡💛 wishing you the best 🌸

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highpriestess-stuff · 2 years

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Fake it till u make it

So its been basically a month since ive started on my self love Journey i didnt realize how much i actually needed it or how much of a difference it was actually going to make but ive been journaling the whole process and im starting to see how dramatically my mood has been im proving ive also started to go to therapy to help with my anger and just learn positive better ways to communicate rather than just being my old impulsive self who knew the way i had been living in my early 20s was really going to affect me LOL not me thought i was having the time of my life LOOOOL ... so here i am trying to put back all these broken pieces from the worst break up ive ever had to losing someone so important in my life who died in a car accident trying to get over my guilt from that realizing that it would've happened regardless ... it had really taken over my mental and now i no longer want to depend on anyone else to come and fix me and put me back together no thank you im good. Ive also started to create more of a routine for myself and really indulging in on the things that truly make me happy because i genuinely started hating everything because of my stupid ex thank u so much (rolling eyes) to the point i stopped watching movies! can you believe that i even stopped getting my nails done! i chopped off all my hair because these were all things that we did together or he really loved about me and i wanted to eliminate everything that possibly reminded me of him... but i didn't realize how negatively it was impacting my everyday life... so here i am being forced to live again.. i guess u just gatta fake it till you make it ay?

So my daily routine of self love consists of: 1) Showering and just imagining all my sadness and negative thoughts being washed away and going down the drain and stepping out into a happier version of my self 2) listening to Self-Love affirmations while i get ready or when im doing my skin care routine which i found on youtube 3) I also try pulling a card from my tarot deck and just reflecting on it through out the day to help me better understand myself and my life and it really helps me get grounded and be in the present Night time routine: 4) I try to meditate for at least 10 mins depending on what im in the mood for that day (Chakra balancing , Divine Feminine) 5) Journaling... about whatever i want to rant about 6) Practice Gratitude daily for at least 5-10 mins which can also be found on youtube 7) Read a bit before bedtime

I know its a lot to fit into 1 day but i promise you doing these things had really helped my mood a lot and just be happy and fortunate for all the i have sometimes we just cant see how truly blessed we are and doing these things made me really enjoy my life more and be more motivated then i was before and there are going to be days where you dont want to stick to your routine and thats okay too! but having a solid routine has really helped me because sometimes we can just feel so unstable and lost. My next thing to add to the list will be yoga right now i just try to do little workouts at home for movement but i heard yoga is really great for trauma survivors and i would just like to give that a try and see how it goes.

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twodimecastle · 3 years

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fifty bucks & six months.

spencer reid x gender neutral reader new relationship, secret keeping nonsense, 4.5k words, ao3 a/n; turns out i love writing texting fic but tumblr destroys the formatting rip

zero months.

You smile conspiratorially, extending a pinkie towards Spencer and he gives you a skeptical look.

“You know the odds of being found out immediately are-” he starts, but you cut him off.

“Astronomical, I know. I know. But don’t you think it’ll be fun to see how long we can push it?” you wheedle, not caring that your voice sounds more like begging than is strictly dignified because seeing the way Spencer’s nose crinkles in amusement at your heavy handed persuasion is too adorable to pass up. You scoot closer on the couch, tapping the end of his nose with your pinkie finger, letting him catch your hand between his as you continue “I think we’ve got a good shot at hiding it for a little while. It would be like a game.”

Spencer draws your captive hand to his lips, brushing them across your knuckles and watching fondly as you forge ahead in your campaign to persuade him, enjoying the show and the attention too much to tell you he’s already on board. Your eyes are shining with the prospect of the caper, and you’ve made no move to take your hand back from him, and Spencer’s pretty sure he’d be more than happy to sit with you in this moment forever. “I mean-” you go on, gesturing animatedly with your free hand, “you’re like-a really good liar when you want to be. And everyone else always forgets how good you are at it.”

He snorts at that and the sound makes you light up, eyes tracking the arch of his brows, the warmth in his soft brown eyes, memorising the way he looks like this; utterly unbothered, completely at ease. It might be your favourite version of him, but that race has always been a tight one with no clear winner in sight. You have lots of favourite versions of Spencer. Twisting your hand in his, you tangle your fingers together, savouring the way you feel his thumb glide delicately along your skin and the unhidden joy in his face at the simple show of affection.

Time to play your trump card.

“$50 says we can hide it from the whole group for at least six months. If everyone figures it out before then, you win. But if not everyone has worked it out by then, I win.”

The mischievous shine in your eyes is irresistible, and Spencer smiles, disentangling one of his hands from yours to extend his own pinky finger.

“You’re on.”

The words barely make it out of his mouth before you’re colliding with him, pressing your lips to his.

two months.

“So, how long has this whole thing been going on?” Derek’s question catches Spencer off guard, and, based on the way he can see you freeze in his peripheral vision, takes you by surprise as well. Sliding into the driver's seat of the SUV, Derek continues “I hope you didn’t think you were gonna be able to keep me in the dark for long, pretty boy. You should know better than that.”

Following mechanically after him, Spencer takes the passenger seat, trying to frame his next statement as carefully as possible as he hears your door close and the car start. “We were-going to tell you guys-” he begins uncomfortably, glancing back to you for support, but you look just as on edge as he feels. “We were just gonna-keep it to ourselves for a while-before telling Hotch and everything-” he tries again, the mounting tension levering his shoulders higher and higher with every passing moment, but then Derek just laughs, shaking his head.

“Hey, I’m happy for you, kid. For both of you.” He spares a look at you in the back seat through the rear view mirror, and you can feel the tension in your jaw relax, the furrows in your brow straightening out at the note of approval in Derek’s voice. “I’m glad you two finally figured it out,” he says, fondly, and you laugh.

“I bet Spence we could keep it from you guys at least six months,” you explain, reaching forwards through the centre console to link your pinky with Spencer’s, and the touch of your hand releases the last of the tension he had been harbouring as he covers your hand with the other one of his own. He knows Derek clocks the motion, filing it away in his mind somewhere, but he doesn’t care about the scrutiny so much right now. Not when your hand is so warm and comfortable in his.

Derek reaches for the dial on the radio and flicks through the channel, thinking about something, and as you watch, a slow mischievous smirk spreads across his face a moment later before he glances first at Spencer and then at you.

“I’ll tell you what,” he says to you, and Spencer can feel a familiar grin tugging at his own lips as he watches a plan take shape in his friend’s eyes. “I’m happy to sit on this information for a while for a cut of the winnings from whichever one of you comes out on top.” He snorts good naturedly as he continues “I have my own bet to win with Prentiss, so if you two help me win that one, I’ll cut you in too.”

“A quid pro quo of sorts,” Spencer says slowly, and he feels your fingers tighten around his, as you snort softly, and he knows instinctually you’re grinning the same way you always do when you’re winning a game. “I think we can do that.”

Derek grins, turning the music up as he nods, eyes on the road. “Then you two love birds have got yourselves a deal.”

two months and two weeks.

PG: youre not as slick as you think you are ;)

YN: ???

PG: ;))))))))) you should invest in some concealer for your work bag sweetness or tell the good doctor to pay more attention to whats visible in your work clothes

YN: oh my fucking god wait how do you even know thats how that happened

PG: im all knowing and all seeing im like the omnipotent goddess of the fbi

YN: derek blabbed

PG: he sang like a canary but also im an omnipotent goddess im also totally clued in on the whole bet situation with em so for the low low price of every single juicy detail about how this adorableness went down you can buy my silence :)

YN: im getting derek decaf coffee on all coffee runs from now on >:( traitors dont get caffeine

PG: darling sweet angel i need deets all of them like immediately

YN: >:( fine ok so. after that case down in georgia a few months ago? the weird one? with the creepy mother son thing?

PG: omg yuck pls dont remind me im here for the CUTENESS not the MURDER

YN: sorryyyyyyy anyway so spence was like being super weird about it all on the plane and whatever but he was doing that super annoying thing where he ignores it and says hes fine so everyone leaves him alone

PG: YEAH why does everyone here do that ALL THE TIME its SO annoyingggg

YN: ikr its insufferable and like super not subtle ANYWAY. spence was being weird and whatever and i just. refused to let him sulk on his own or whatever like i could tell there was something bothering him and so after work i insisted that we were gonna get like shitty diner food or whatever and watch a movie and he knows better than to say no to me

PG: smart boy

YN: so we got fries and milkshakes and then went back to his place to watch a movie and he was still like weird and silent and like brooding yknow? but whatever just figured hed talk about it when he was ready so i put on a movie and offered to make popcorn and then he was just staring at me and he looked so SAD and TIRED and i thought id done something wrong like the poor guy looked like he was gonna cry and i was panicking over fucking popcorn and then he says ‘why are you always so nice to me?’

PG: oh my god hes like if a sad victorian orphan was actually a triplicate phd holder

YN: i was SO thrown off i was like spencer. spencer were best friends. ive been forcing you to hang out with me for years now why do you THINK im being nice to you its bc i care about you asshole and then. like after another million years after letting me sweat it out over whether hes about to cry for like fucking years the asshole grabs my hand and says. i shit you not. ‘you know im in love with you, right?’ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PG: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YN: anyway hes my boyfriend now :’) dont tell anyone tho gotta win the bet

four months.

Lingering by the elevator, you glance around at the uncharacteristically silent office building, waiting for Spencer to leave the bullpen. The sound of his footfalls drawing nearer makes you smile and you mentally applaud yourself for suggesting the two of you remained behind after disembarking from the plane, taking advantage of the manufactured privacy to take the same car home, back to his apartment.

When he sees you waiting for him, he can’t help the soft fond smile that tugs at his face, as he reaches for your hand, sliding his fingers into yours with a gentle squeeze, the quiet of the building allowing him to indulge in the show of affection. You return the squeeze, leaning your head on his shoulder with a yawn and as he presses a fond kiss to your temple he’s rewarded by a sleepy hum of approval from you that sends a rush of quiet joy shooting through him.

“At least we won’t be sleeping in hotel beds again tonight,” you say, voice weary, and Spencer nods as he shuffles you into the elevator. The doors slide shut and the elevator starts to move and in the moment of absolute privacy, you steal a kiss, tilting your chin up to catch his lips with yours, revelling in the soft huff of surprise he lets out, even as he smiles against your mouth. Even after months, the simple act of kissing Spencer still feels new and thrilling somehow, like you can’t quite believe it’s something you’re allowed to do.

His nose brushes yours and he breathes “unless something big comes up, we get a sleep in tomorrow too,” and the way you beam at him sends his heart racing in his chest, unable to look away from the fondness shining in your eyes.

As the two of you exit the elevator and make your way through the Bureau car park, you tuck yourself against his side, wedging yourself under his arm with a happy sigh, eager to get yourself horizontal and asleep as fast as possible. Spencer brushes his lips against your temple again as the two of you close in on his car, almost free and clear of the office when a voice behind the two of you brings you up short.

“Reid?”

Spencer is reacting before his mind catches up, turning on his heel towards the sound of Hotch’s voice echoing through the parking lot, conscious of the incriminating way you’re still tucked against his side, even as his brain is rifling frantically through any possible excuses for the current circumstances.

“Hotch-” you step away from Spencer, cheeks flaming, not wanting to chance a look at him. “I-we-thought everyone else had gone home,” you trail off lamely, trying your hardest not to balk under Hotch’s ominously impassive scrutiny. A second passes, then another, and the short silence feels like months, or years even as the three of you stand locked in a stalemate.

“I take it the two of you would prefer to keep this under wraps?” He asks, finally, and it registers with Spencer, somewhat belatedly, that Hotch’s tone isn’t admonishing. It isn’t enough to dissipate the tension coiling in Spencer’s muscles just yet, but he spares a glance at you as he nods, and a moment later, Hotch gives the two of you a curt nod of his own. “I’ll tell you what,” he says, a shade of irony colouring his voice. “If you two fill out the paperwork for in-team relationships for me, I’ll keep it to myself. I understand privacy is hard to come by in our office.”

The words take a while to fully sink in, and you’re conscious that you’re standing there blinking and gaping at your boss like a bemused fish for a good few seconds before you’ve composed yourself enough to say “absolutely, sir. Of course. Thank you.”

Hotch nods again, heading towards his own car, and as he passes the two of you, a brief smile flashes across his face.

“Congratulations, you two. Get some sleep.”

four months and three weeks.

Spencer isn’t sure how late it is, but he knows you’re not asleep yet, the faint glow of your phone screen casting faint distorted shadows across his room as your free hand rests lightly on his chest. In the dark blue twilight of his room, the space feels undefined and dream like somehow, the line between his mind and his surroundings blurry or indistinct somehow, and as you huff out a near silent laugh at something on the screen in your hand, a thought rises to the surface of his thoughts like flotsam on an unwanted tide.

The more clinical part of his mind notes the autonomic response in his body, the way his heart lurches unpleasantly in his chest, heart rate rising with an influx of cortisol through his nervous system, automatically rifling through ways to control the anxiety response. Age old instinct surges forwards, starting to push his spiralling anxiety down out of sight so as not to bother you with it, but then your hand shifts infinitesimally on his chest, fingers curling in the soft fabric of his pyjama shirt, and for once his body is miles ahead of his brilliant mind, your name is leaving his lips before he’s really aware of it happening.

Your gaze flashes up from your phone at the sound of his voice, soft and hesitant, and you let the screen go dark as you set it down. You can feel Spencer’s heart hammering against his ribs under your palm, and your brows knit together in concern as you shift closer to his side, tracing gentle circles over his shirt with your fingertips, the repetitive motion intended to soothe, though you’re not sure if it’s for his benefit or yours.

“Yeah, baby?” You ask softly, working hard to keep the rising worry from your voice. After three years of friendship and almost six months of dating, you know him well enough to sense when his propensity for overthinking and catastrophizing is slipping out of his control. You can feel his chest rise as he inhales sharply, whatever he’s about to say cut off by second guessing, doing nothing to pacify your concern. “Spence? Is everything okay?” You ask again.

“This-bet-hiding our relationship-it’s-” he trails off, throat tight as he rolls onto his side, facing away from you, and smushing his face into the pillow, already wishing he hadn’t said anything. You’re the kindest person he’s ever met, but offering up this kind of raw insecurity feels like pulling teeth. Even if it’s you. Especially if it’s you. He doesn’t know if he’s ready to find out if you care about him enough to stay when his racing mind gets the better of him. The pillow muffles his voice as he says “never mind.”

You feel your own heart rate tic up in response to that, matching the wild beat of Spencer’s that you could feel under your palm only a second ago. “Baby, talk to me. What’s on your mind?”

He shakes his head, face still hidden in the pillow. “It’s stupid.”

He can feel the rush of your breath on his back as you sigh, and your voice is almost achingly patient as you say softly “it’s not stupid if it matters to you.” There’s a long pause, and you press yourself against his back, settling close and letting your hand slide over his side to rest on his chest, the heat of his skin sinking into yours even through his thin shirt. In spite of his height, he feels so small as you wrap yourself around him, drawing closer, trying to reassure him without yet knowing what he needs to be reassured of. “Spence?”

“Are you ashamed of-being with me? Is that why you want to hide it?” The words are almost whispered, the sound almost lost against his pillow and your heart sinks, plummeting faster and further than if you’d dropped it off the side of a skyscraper. You should’ve known he might worry about that, should have realised it might have felt that way. Remorse rises hot and bitter in your throat and you swallow it down, trying to steady your voice.

“Spencer. Sweetheart. No. Never. I could never be ashamed. I love you. I’m so sorry.” Your arms wrap more tightly around him and you bury your face against the crook of his neck, the tension you can feel in every inch of his body making you feel more cruel and short-sighted than you already do. “I’m sorry I didn’t realise it might feel like that. I could never be ashamed of being with you, Spence. You’re my favourite person.” He takes the kind of shaky, shallow breath that comes with trying not to cry and your heart breaks a little more as one of his hands slowly moves to cover yours where it rests against his chest, just over his heart.

As his hand rests over yours, his thumb strokes lightly along your knuckles, and he knows you know him well enough to notice the way his hand trembles, just a little, because then your hand is shifting against his, turning to clumsily tangle your fingers with his, holding tighter to him as he tries to collect himself, drawing in a deep, shuddering breath as his eyes squeeze shut. He can hear the contrition in your voice as you say softly “I’ve never really liked having people know everything about what’s going on in my life. And I love our friends but-something like this, that’s so-special? So new? I wanted to be able to keep it to just us for a while.”

“I’m sorry.” His voice comes out a little shaky, scarcely more than a whisper, and it’s more than you can take as you pull back and gently force him to roll over to face you. He’s not crying, but his eyes are glassy and you recognise the fight to keep the tears unshed in the tight set of his jaw and the hard line of his lips. Leaning on your elbow, you lift your free hand to gently smooth out the furrows of his brow, letting your fingers linger along the planes of his face.

“Why are you sorry,” you ask gently. “You don’t need to be sorry, baby. Not for talking to me about things that bother you. We can tell everyone else tomorrow, if you want? We can call off the bet. Derek will live. If he’s got a problem with it I’ll turn all his shirts into crop tops.”

He can tell the joke is a last bid attempt to make him smile, to ease his fear, and it works. In spite of the anxious weight in his chest that feels like it’s pressing him into the mattress, Spencer laughs weakly, meeting your eyes, and he watches as a relieved smile breaks across your face, releasing your lower lip from where you’d trapped it worriedly between your teeth. The unmitigated affection that floods into your eyes renders him momentarily breathless as he takes in the moment. You’re still here, still trying to take care of him. Just as kind and steadfast as ever.

“No,” he says eventually, wrapping his arms around you, pulling you down on top of him like a living weighted blanket, letting your warmth chase the bulk of the tension from his body and luxuriating in the way you curl into him, one hand sliding into his hair. “We shouldn’t call off the bet. We still have to take Emily’s money, remember?”

Your sleepy laugh is the last thing he hears before his eyes close and the feel of your body wound around his lulls him to sleep.

five months.

SR: Can I talk to you about something?

DM: you dying or something? that’s a really fuckin ominous text to recieve out of the blue

SR: I’m not dying, why would that be what you assumed? I just have a question.

DM: just a figure of speech but what’s up?

SR: It’s about your bet with Emily. What’re the terms for it?

DM: wym?

SR: What exactly did you two make the bet about? What needs to happen in order for you to win the bet?

DM: does this count as collusion?

SR: Technically yes, but calling it collusion implies a certain degree of illegality.

DM: whatever anyway the terms i made with em were that you’d make some kind of move before your birthday but she reckoned you were gonna need some kind of near death experience to do anything about your crush why?

SR: I’m just making sure I have all the information.

DM: what’s going on pretty boy? you planning something?

SR: Maybe.

DM: not a helpful answer reid is everything good?

SR: Everything’s fine. We’re just figuring some stuff out. Nothing to worry about.

DM: is there something you’re not telling me?

SR: Don’t worry about it.

five months, three weeks and six days.

In the chaos that was the scramble from the briefing room to the jet, you haven’t yet had the chance to speak to Spencer about the outcome of his most recent thesis defence panel. By the time you’ve got a moment to breathe, the jet is underway, coasting across the country towards Montana, the whole team settled in for the six hour flight. You corner him in the tiny kitchen area of the jet as he’s making a mug of mediocre coffee, fingers tapping out an absent minded rhythm on the countertop as the coffee machine whirs, clearly not paying attention to anything outside of his head.

“Hey, boy genius.” He jumps, whirling around, eyes wide with surprise, and you smile fondly. “So?” You demand, and Spencer raises an eyebrow in confusion. You snort, rolling your eyes as you elaborate. “Your defence panel. Did it go okay?”

You’re shifting your weight and fidgeting restlessly with the belt loops on your pants and as he studies you for a moment, it occurs to Spencer that you’re nervous for him over this outcome. The thought brings an almost giddy smile to his face.

“You know this isn’t my first thesis defence panel, right?” He says mildly, deliberately burying the lede, enjoying the way you scowl in irritation too much to answer your question right away, too enamoured with this display of concern on his behalf.

“Don’t be difficult, Doctor Reid. It’s still a big deal.” He just shrugs noncommittally, and you huff, swatting his arm lightly. “So did it go well?” You ask again, eyes narrowing as you try to dissect his microexpressions, trying to discern the answer he seems determined to keep from you for yourself. A few seconds later, he relents.

“I can now add degree number six to my wall.” He confirms. Getting degrees doesn’t hold the same rush of pride for him now, the accomplishment feeling somewhat less exceptional as he acquires more of them, but the way your face lights up with pride for him reminds him how special the things he’s capable of can be. You’ve always made him feel like more than the sum of his parts somehow, like something infinitely more precious than he always assumed he is.

“I fucking knew it. That’s amazing, Spence,” you say, chest warm and full with pride and love, and his almost shy smile in return is enough to make a decision for you in a split second. Your hand dips into your back pocket, drawing something out, and you carefully hide it from view in your palm as Spencer tracks the motion curiously with his eyes.

Your eyes are shining with affection and something that looks like mischief and the way you’re smiling at him is more than enough to divert his attention as you step closer, just barely noticing as you slip something into his hand. You’re dangerously, distractingly close now, and he’s conscious, if somewhat distantly, that neither of you is concealed from the rest of the team, scant meters away in the seating area of the jet. But you’re smiling and close enough for him to feel your breath on his face and suddenly your lips are on his, and even after nearly seven months of being able to touch you like this, it’s enough to make him forget everything else as he melts into the contact, savouring the warmth of your skin and the faint smell of your shampoo.

You pull back a second later, the kiss over almost as soon as it started, but it’s enough to attract attention, and you can hear a belated ‘oh SHIT’ from Emily in the main cabin of the jet. In your peripheral vision, you can see money changing hands, your friends scrambling to react, but you don’t look at them, choosing to enjoy the bemused, affectionate look on Spencer’s face as his brain catches up to the events unfolding around the two of you.

“I was tired of keeping it a secret,” you say fondly, loud enough only for him to hear. “You win.”

Blinking in confusion, he finally tears his gaze away from yours, fingers uncurling to reveal the fifty dollar bill you had pressed into his palm right before you kissed him. The penny drops and he snorts with laughter, shaking his head in half hearted indignation as his other arm loops around you, pulling you in, letting you rest your head on his shoulder, hiding your face from the rest of the team as he kisses your temple, revelling in the way you wind yourself around him in response.

“I was gonna do this in like two days. I wanted you to win,” he murmurs against your hairline, and he can feel your faint laughter.

“Too bad, baby. I’m used to getting my way,” you say, pulling back to steal another quick kiss before peeling yourself out of his arms with a wink, turning to face the onslaught of ‘care to fucking explain that’ and ‘I fucking told you so’ from the rest of your friends, tugging him with you by your joined hands.

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid/you #spencer reid/reader #reid #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds imagine #dr spencer reid #my writing #spencer reid fluff

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robozombii · 2 years

Note

o tumblr user viotti dash violet please give your opinions on vivi yukino from mystery skulls animated the flash animated music video series created by mystery ben featuring official music made b

I know what you are.

ok you want a rant ill give you a rant (has work they should be doing)

I FEEL LIKE VIVI GETS BRUSHED OVER A LOT OR doesnt have as much investment in fan content and such and even i unconsciously do that because of the fact the majority of conflict in msa is based around lewis and arthur, although now i do believe shes getting the spotlight and GOOD FOR HER GOOD FOR HER G

I REALLY LOVE HER BECAUSE OF HER UNWAVERING LOYALTY i mean shes kinda been through a lot of bullshit before the mansion. ARTHUR WAS KEEPING A LOT AWAY FROM HER AND ESPECIALLY MYSTERY. we only saw a small bit of what that was like in the Losing My Mind comic but imagine seeing your best friend lose sleep over trying to find 'a random guy' and not telling anything? ive only seen A FEW fics cover vivis possible frustration over everyone hurting on the inside over conflict that she can never know about. SHOW MORE OF HER EMOTIONS DAMMIT theres just something shes missing in fics that people put in arthur and lewis yk? or maybe im just too picky

and yet shell still fight for them? i guess she isnt the most thoughtful when it comes to fast paced situations. shes very quick to fight but it also just shows that shell VIOLENTLY protect her loved ones no matter what HAHA shes also just been very persevering through this entire shitshow. i mean mystery knew everything, arthur knew somewhat what happened, and she had close to nothing. she probably still doesnt know shit! did she even recognize lewis at the end of the future?? even then she doesnt hesitate to act on her thoughts and i believe thats done her some good, protecting others

BUT THERES STILL FLAWS!! she isnt perfect and IDC I LOVE HER but uh her fast acting also got shiromori killed yknow? her actions focused on a black and white conflict bad versus evil, but she doesnt even know the fact mystery has switched sides several times, once befriending shiromori in the past. AND HONESTLY i dont know what to make of that. i dont.. know if shiromori will come back?? or what the conclusion of mystery. vivi, and her conflict will be. but like things arent gonna fit perfectly and again this goes to people who might think of her as the more composed person of the gang but like man everyone is struggling here HAHA

also im typing out utter bullshit if someone wants to commentate or correct something i said then like feel free i guess I WISH I COULD SAY MORE i really do but my mind always blanks out at times. OH OH YALL SHOULD READ "Loveless Glasses" ON AO3 it kinda made me realize that like yeah. holy shit vivi would be stressed out and frustrated over whatever arthur was doing when trying to search for lewis yk? i think it made my brain spin ANYHOW i love women stan vivi and like everyone else i guess EXCEPT REVERB....... and maybe chloe........ that one chloe = SOLO theory really got me like..........

#im gonna go do my work now #SOBS #HELP ME #i hope i dont sound like an idiot in this rant #im just #yeah this is very emotion fueled #i would make a coherent analysis if i could but i cant #msa #mystery skulls #mystery skulls animated #vivi yukino #im gay #vivi screams at you about msa real

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chillichats · 3 years

Text

58 look away im stupid emotional in this

@fathermooshroom for the sake of your entertainment mr moosh i have written down my thoughts as incomprehensibly and as non filtered as possible, starting right after where i was when i sent the ask

mr moosh you piece of shit what the fuck you cant what no NO THIS IS WHAT TECHNO FEARED THE MOST im gonna be sick im gonna throw up im losing my mind WHY

mr moosh do you understand of course you understand but DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHY WOULD YOU why would dream do that?? did he get scared from tommy not holding back? hve there been fights since then? is there something going on from dreams point of view that made it so he had to try and get his hands on whtever it was he needed from spiderman as quickly as possible?? he wanted him alive before so what changed? is it related to whatever he was trying to ‘fix’ the first time??? ive gone on a tangent of thoughts while writing this im going back to reading

no.. being about to die is what makes tommy realise he wants to live... god fuck MR MOOSH YOURE RUINING ME D OYOU UNDERSTAND THAT

oh im trying so desperately not to cry but the visuals of kristin and phil finding his cold body the next morning GOD of FUCK yeah no theres no point in trying not to cry its a repeat of the first chapter but its not /lh its /FUCK

*sobbing* yeahb ranboo hed really like it if he could have your leftovers for lunch tomorrow i cant do thi s i canttt

its been a few minutes and ive sort of., usded up all my easily accessible emotions so im numb for noww and im just. in a well of deep horrified empathy for techno and tubbo who are going through all this and they cant even tell anyone else until the worst happens/would happen

FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF I THOUGHT MY EMOTIONS WERE GONE I THOUGHT ID USED THEM ALL UP ‘with great power comes great responsibility’ FUCK OFF TOMMY SHUT UP

‘youre not gonna miss us youre just gonna be gone’ techno why do i have to kin you in particular god holding my breath to counteract the sobs but its not working

fuck off with your ‘details’ and your ‘predeath sentiment’ tommy I DONT WANT TO KNOW THAT THEY STARTED CRYING AFTER ELLIE DIED ID ONT I DONT

NO OH GOD WILBUR DOESNT UNDERSTAND BUT IF TOMMY DIES HE WILL AND HE”LL KNOW THAT THEY KNEW IT WAS COMING AND THAET THEY KEPT IT FROM HIM yknow what im gonna leave theories until i reach the end because i stg i refuse to torture myself with ideas that might not even happen

‘theyre scared they wont get another chance’ and another round of tears. MR MOOSH IM NOT NORMALLY EMOTIONAL TO THIS EXTENT WHAT HVAE YOU DONE

‘WE’LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING’ OH GOD KRISTIBN YOU WILL BUT NOT THEI WAY YOU THINK OH GOD OHG OD

he knows cyanide causes a painful death and he wants to sleep to try avoid it FUCK WHAT THE FUCK IM NOT I CANT IM WHAT? NO

im tired of capitals im tired of them but god techno’s making me wanna use them so bad you dont undetstand im legitimately bawling

... ‘ Tommy can’t bring himself to understand why someone would want a character—want their creation—to suffer like that’ fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuvk you

....he knows its tommy

#chillichats #guided evolution #yknow a rly big part of me wanted to suffer silently and just post the word 'fuck' as my review but i needed an outlet and since its night #i cant vent out loud #m r moosh u rly #god #im not gonna ask the number. im not.#ive never cried this much about a fic chapter in my LIFE #and ive read a lot of fic chapters

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uwumessenger · 4 years

Text

random headcanons i have for each om! character teehee

hi it's been a while since ive posted some hcs bc uni has been kicking my a$$! luckily i only have a few papers to tidy up and im done. here r some hcs for each obey me character that ive accumulated over the past few months wink wonk

most are random but some constants you'll find are what i think they smell like, languages they can speak (other than their native (demon/angel) and eng/jp), and music tastes !

lucifer

i have a strong feeling that he showers twice a day: in the morning after waking up and at night before going to bed

his cologne is probably the type that will last in an elevator for like a week after he uses it once. i dont think this mf ever smells like anything other than his cologne

has a secret folder on his phone of semi-nudes and other scandalous pics from when he felt sexy at the time omg

aside from demon language/eng/jp he can speak french and knows latin

listens to classical stuff yea but he also listens to diavolos mixtapes (re: diavolo's section)

not a fan of sweets but will eat sweet things when craving

really bland sense of humor...borderline cringey 😭✋🏻

mammon

has gone to google images and searched for "inspirational quotes tumblr" "gold aesthetic tumblr" & "relatable crush post tumblr" then reposts it onto his socials or just taps thru them and giggles bc he relates

his cologne doesnt last as long as lucifers and probably smells common. he has to reapply a lot but it's a people pleasing smell. it's cheaper hence the constant reapplying

he probably does have an expensive bottle but is the type to totally overspray...eek

he is canonically a car guy 🥲 and probably tells the one in his room good morning & good night + kisses the hood every once in a while. has tons of car magazines

he doesnt really speak other languages but has attempted to learn spanish before

listens to whatever is on the radio. doesnt rly stan anyone but he eventually will listen to mc's playlist and mc's playlist ONLY

levi

lurks on mc's socials ALL THE TIMEEEE like he will rewatch ur stories and scroll thru ur feed and overanalyze ur tweets/rts or blog posts. if ur mc isnt the type to use sns much he still googles ur name all the damn time just to find any sites u might be on fjdjdjdjskks

probably streams on whatever youtube or twitch devildom site equivalent there is, but only has like 40 or so followers. which he is okay with!

until he sees someone else who gets more attention than him. then the envy starts kicking in bad. especially if they suck 🧍🏻‍♀️

classic gamer boy smell. you know, sweat, tears, must, and (sometimes) axe deodorant. lucifer has to do a scent check before he goes out to any event & lets him use his cologne. how sweet!

kpop stan!! more girl groups than anything and his ults are probably GIRLS GENERATION, wonder girls, twice, loona, & red velvet

cried when ioi disbanded and refused to leave his room. the only thing u could hear was downpour on loop at full blast

can also speak korean & communicate in echolocation like dolphins 😏

satan

listens to country music you cant change my mind

smells like whatever environment he is in. he doesnt really have a designated smell just throws some deodorant on and goes about his day.

he's sooooo bad at driving...gets road rage way too often so his license has been REVOKED

but hes totally a backseat driver. needs to be sedated on long trips

do not let him watch finding nemo when luke asks to watch it. it's not worth it. he will cause mass destruction.

if he was a human or lived long term in the human world he totally has the ability to be a doctor

is studying as many languages as possible, but he mostly knows latin & french & german etc etc. wants to learn all the dead languages out of curiousity

asmo

dont think this mf has ever held down a relationship. ever

he doesnt compromise much & is not willing to change his lifestyle to fit an s/o into it. you keep up with how he lives or it just isnt meant to be (but dont worry! he'll eventually learn...maybe,,,,)

has the hardest time out of everyone when it comes to breaking bad habits

his smell varies bc he uses a variety of perfumes (whatever is the most popular at the time) but he probably sticks to floral and fresh scents. he never uses generic people pleaser scents like mammon

listens to electropop, mainstream pop, & some alternative rock

as for languages he too knows french, spanish, italian, etc. in general, if it's a romance language he knows it!

opposite of lucifer in the sense where he loves sweets and will refrain from eating too many bitter things

i think we all know that asmo is the biggest rockstar of the group! he's probably been in a boy band at least once, but now he makes his own music

has tried to teach mammon how to sing once. ended up in a broken piano and bleeding ears...

beel

i feel like he is SO SHY

like unless ur close to him he will not start conversations or anything

i think he listens to r&b a lot ! and jazz 😎 maybe rock as well

smells like ur typical athlete with undertones of wet wipes. he carries them around bc he likes to clean his hands before he eats & is prepared for when theres no sink nearby

he can drive and he drives really well. no rough turns, parallel parks perfectly, and never has problems with merging

driving with beel is probably really soothing. left hand is steering the other is gripping ur thigh 😫

dont think hes really fluent in any other language but hes probably semi fluent in korean because levi wanted beel to help him out

definitely know how to order food in practically every language tho HAHAHA

belphie

he reminds me of randall from monsters inc

smells kinda musty IM SORRY but not the way levi does hes more like the kind of musty u feel or smell when it's a shitty morning

but that's only because hes so lazy, when he cleans up hes like satan

has definitely murdered multiple people before. mc is not the first 😐✋🏻

with that being said belphie has been put into prison at least twice when visiting the human world, the mf had such a strong hatred for humans theres no way he never got into trouble before

lucifer probably broke him out and they used the pen thingies from men in black to erase everyones memory of that 🙄

dont think he listens to anything other than music that'll put him to sleep. really likes lazy song by bruno mars but thinks that bruno mars put too much effort into the song. should have been one acapella verse and then finish

similar to beel hes only semi fluent in one language, probably french bc of lucifer. doesnt remember much but knows a couple of lullabies and bedtime stories

the sandman used to be his bff until they drifted. they do, however, like and comment on each other's sns posts.

diavolo

once he found out who nicki minaj was he became her #1 stan

def an ariana grande stan too 😌

choreographs dances when hes stressed...idk just seems like a diavolo thing to do

also makes rly bad soundcloud rap music sometimes. turns to poetry when hes feeling emo but only lucifer knows this. barbatos is suspicious of him but doesnt have enough evidence to confirm.

his dad is like hudson abadeer from adventure time aka marceline's dad? something must have influenced him to want to unite the 3 realms + he would need the approval to do so, so his dad must be more chill than all the others before him 🧍🏻‍♀️ IDK ok anyway

currently going through his hamilton phase bc of mc. whether mc's intent was to get him hooked onto it or just to explain it bc of something he saw online, he tells everyone that he found out abt it bc of mc!

this man cannot drive his skills are only second to jumin han

not too fond of many languages but knows the widely spoken ones like spanish, mandarin, etc. if it's taught in high school he knows it

smells like a las vegas casino. not sure why but i feel like he does. but there's also an interesting & nice smell to him if he embraces you. it's a smell you cant quite identify. but it smells nostalgic, it's mysterious, and it's tempting.

barbatos

very calm demeanor but underneath hes WILD hes probably done everything at least once oof

he just has a lot of control and stability over himself (must be nice!)

on a more angsty note i feel like he might have had his heartbroken sO BAD IDK he is hurting and maybe that's why hes so willing to obey diavolo and not abuse his time lord power thingies bc he learned his lesson the hard way

mans is so smart he knows every language you could switch languages mid conversation with him and he wouldnt be thrown off. he'd probably start speaking it too.

BUT HE SPEAKS VIET P E R F E C T L Y

listens to the same stuff as lucifer but also likes eminem. likes the movie 8 mile but criticized it heavily

have you ever been to a chinese herb shop? naturally, he smells like that. his room probably smells like it too. he doesnt really have a significant smell like some of the others

when he bakes he smells like whatever hes baking tho

one of the few out of everyone listed to have been able to travel to literally everywhere

solomon

was probably on kitchen nightmares once, but only to get feedback from chef gordon ramsay. then he used his magic to prevent the episode from airing...

was in an orchestra, one of the best times of his life. played the violin. asmo watched him in the audience once, but didnt approach him until well after that performance.

he CANNOT sing. he can, however, rap.

doesnt listen to music. he listens to podcasts! but every now and then he turns on background music, but prefers it to be instrumental stuff

never wears sunglasses. also does not have a driver's license. cannot drive a regular car. could maybe fly an airplane.

due to his immortality he has learned almost every language to exist, but finds himself speaking mandarin the most. knows most dialects too

similar smell to barbatos but u can also smell some sunscreen on him too. like, generic beach day suncreen

he has a lot of pact marks, so he once had the idea to match foundation to his skin. it took him two weeks but he eventually perfected a combination. yes he will help u find ur perfect shade if u ask him to

simeon

another country music man. has also made a tiktok or two to that one song that goes "he cant even bait a hook." they are private tho

angel country music exists and simeon invented it

if he visits the human world and wears more causal clothing he probably tucks his shirt into his pants

wears a speedo at the beach i tell u, speedo at the beach

he can speak german...i can feel it

uses his pointer finger to type and holds the phone like 2 inches away from his face so sometimes his nose will push a key hence all his typos

has no signature smell. he simply smells like your favorite scent all the time. if multiple people are around him at once, everyone smells a different smell. it's pretty rad

"what does he smell like to himself?" u may be asking. hmm...a church? 💀

luke

his first pet was a goldfish and a few months before the exchange program happened, he was given a koi pond!

secretly likes hanging out with levi sometimes just to play with henry. makes him miss his pet fish back home

so his favorite movie is probably finding nemo and he threw a fit when nemo touched the butt

luke is probably learning german bc of simeon, though he'd like to learn more of the dead languages just for fun

i dont think he listens to music often or has any preferences, he just listens to whatever is playing on the radio

but he finds himself listening to the music mc listens to

smells like freshly baked goods all the time. or fresh laundry. but like, not combined. just depends on the day

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step-on-me-natasha · 3 years

Text

Blade; chapter 3

summary: Parker "Blade" Wiles, a high ranking SHIELD agent with an aptitude for sharp objects, goes missing. When Blade is found again with a darker and colder demeanor, SHIELD, with the help of The Avengers, are tasked with finding out what happened to their colleague and friend.

OC is ace and uses they/them pronouns

pairing: Natasha Romanoff x OC! reader

warnings: needles (IVs), let me know if there are any others

RECAP:

“I'm doing the thing Florence Wiles could never do.” The room went silent. All the lab assistants stopped working. Everyone just stared at the two of you.

“Knock her out and put em’ under, I don't have time for this.” Madam barks and for the second time that day, everything went black.

*Meanwhile at the Avengers Compound

After the mission, the rest of the team got off the jet while Natasha stayed behind. Still in your seat, her eyes scan the room and land on your journal. She chuckles to herself because only you would have a bright purple journal. She knows she shouldn’t look through it but she does anyway. As she’s reading through the two entries, her vision starts to get blurry. She wipes her eyes and stands up and walks off the jet straight to her room.

“Hey Nat! How’d-”

“Not now Clint.” She snaps. She practically runs to her room and slams the door as she starts to cry. She sits down at her desk, turns to the next blank page in the journal, finds a pen and starts writing.

Hi Blade, it’s Nat, I know when you see this, because you will see it, that you’ll probably be mad at me for snooping but it was something i felt i needed to do. Your last words to me before you disappeared were “dont worry about me, I got this.” and part of me believed it. Foolish of me. I should’ve stayed with you. I know you're strong and capable and smart and you’ve been in a situation like that before, but god damnit I should’ve gone with you! Bucky thinks it's HYDRA, Tony thinks it's what's left of the Red Room. Men, ugh, So dumb. HYDRA has been wiped off the face of the earth and the Red Room is, as i said, retired widows living the life they deserved. I think it's something or rather someone else. Who it is, I don't know. But enough of this, I'm not here to write about who took you, I don't know why I'm writing. But, and I quote, “here goes nothing.”

The first day you walked into the compound, scowling face and all, I knew something was special about you. You stormed into the conference room, like you always do, and plopped in the chair you claimed your own. When everyone else joined you in the room you didn’t even look up until someone said your name and coughed. You stood up, said your name was Blade and sat back down. It was pretty funny if Steve “stick up his ass” Rogers wasn’t in the room. Something, I think Clint, said to “show your power” or something like that, and you walked out of the room and everyone followed you to the new high tech training room. You then found a bow staff, broke it in half, had Tony load the most advanced training sequence. You set a record, with the broken staff, in that training session, curtsied, and walked out the room.

Anyways, that's not what this is about, I wanted to write this to let you know that we, the team, are here for you. We care about you. I care about you. So, on that note, you better get your ass back here so we can eat some garlic bread and watch some shitty reality TV.

Love, Natahsa

She stares at her note for a little while, thinking about what she could’ve done to save you, to have you here with her. But instead of you being with the team, with her, you quite possibly, could be dead. She can’t think about that right now. She wipes her tears, closes the journal and gets ready to take a shower. After her shower she gets dressed in shorts, a hoodie and a pair of fuzzy socks. She makes her way out of her room to get something to eat while Clint slides in front of her.

“What's up with you? You got Barnes' broody scowl going on.” He says with a mouthful of food.

“That's cold Clint”

“shut up Barnes, you know it’s true.” He shouted back. “Anyways, seriously, is something wrong?”

“They’re gone Clint. They are gone and we don't know where they are.”

“Who?”

“Are you fucking serious Clint? Blade! Blade is gone! And we have no clue where they are or if they're alive! And you're making jokes right now?!” Her eyes start watering again.

“Oh no Nat, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't know Blade was missing, I thought I saw them walk in.” He says as he pulls her into a hug.

At that moment, Nat lets herself cry. She balls up the front of his shirt and just breaks down. “They’re gone, Clint, and I don't know what to do!” She says through her tears.

“Nat what do you need me to do? Let me help.”

“Find her Clint! Unbreak your arm and fucking find her!’ She cries.

*At the old HYDRA base

After the group of scientists knock you out, again, they put you in an armoured truck, with many following behind, to transfer you from this old base to the new MYST headquarters.

“Madam, what are we supposed to do with the new asset?”

“Tie them up. And make sure that it’s secured, we don't need it escaping again.” Madam orders.

The ride is long and bumpy and these scientists have been pumping you full of fluids and unknown liquids. Pull up to a gate with a pin pad. Madam gets out, puts a passcode in and the gates open up. They pass through the threshold and into what looks like a parking garage. They park the truck and roll you out.

“Hey, hey what's going on?” You say as you start to wake up.

“Ugh, someone take care of this! They woke up again!” Madam yells.

“Hey, no hey! Let's not do this again!” You say.

“That's not an option sweetheart”

“And why is that? Huh? I don't know what you want, other than a winter soldier”

“I want what HYDRA took from me.” She says “Knock her out and start over! We will begin testing strength tomorrow morning!” Madam says as she walks away.

“God, what a bitch.” a scientist mutters under her breath. Heh heh, I like this one.

“I know, at least you're not the one tied to a bed” You say back.

She gasps, “you weren’t supposed to hear that” “Well, I am a well trained spy and assassin, you learn how to pick up on small sounds.” you chuckle.

“Yeah well, still.” She says harshly. “Youre only here for one thing, and it’s my job not to fuck that up, so you weren’t supposed to hear that.” She says as she injects you with more unknown liquid.

You wake up in a new room, tied to a bed this time. Upgrades people, upgrades. Your eyes scan the room and land on two IVs dripping; one blue and one purple. I am going to die here.

“Ahh, you're awake.” Your head snaps to the right.

“Super soldier serum,” She nodded towards the IVs. “Whatever was left of what HYDRA perfected it, I got the last of it when it fell in 2014.” Madam starts.

“What's that purple shit?” You interrupt.

“That purple shit? Really? I've been working on that for years and the best you can do is ‘that purple shit’? Really?” A small scientist comes out from behind Madam.

“Oh sorry, I should be more sensitive, what is that weird ass purple liquid that is being pumped into me?”

“You're a rude person.”

“Yeah well, I'm currently strapped to a bed with strange liquid being pumped into me. I'm obviously not thrilled about it!” You shout.

“Okay, enough! You two are children!'' Madam yells. Children (derogatory).

“The purple stuff is a concentrated metabolism booster. It makes you heal 3x faster than just the super soldier serum. It makes you basically invincible.”

“Oh cool, does it give me laser eyes like Superman too?” wrong universe, shit.

“You are insufferable!” The small scientist exclaims.

“Thanks, it’s my main character trait.” You sass back.

“Oh my god, shut up already!” Madam yells. “Dr. Nichols, you go prep the room while I handle the new asset.” New asset? Get a better name.

You roll your eyes and scoff as the small scientist storms out of the room.

“Got something to say sweetheart?”

“No no, you do your thing”

“In about-” She checks her watch, “10-15 minutes, you’ll have a small device inserted into the back of your neck, specifically at the base of your skull.”

“Sounds painful”

“It is. The device will expand and it will attach to your brain, causing me to be in control.”

oh shit.

“Cat got your tongue sweetheart?” You stay silent. “Well, nice chat! I'll see you later!”

She leaves the room as your eyes start to water. Oh my god. There is no way I'm getting out of this. As you sit there, waiting for what’s going to come next, nats face pops into your head. And the fact that there is a chance that you’ll never see her again, talk to her, touch her again, makes the tears threatening to fall, fall.

#natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff fluff #Natasha Romanoff x ace!raeder #natasha romanoff fanfic #natasha x reader #black widow x reader #black widow fluff #black widow #black widow x ace!reader #black widow imagine #marvel x reader #marvel x ace!reader

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nextstopparis · 3 years

Note

You recently posted about Morgana telling Gwen to be grateful after she has been kidnapped by Morgana. I couldn't comment underneath the post, so I'm commenting here. Haha. I hope that's okay. :)

Without getting into it in long discussion and depth, Morgana is inflicting her own suffering and pain on someone else. All the things she suffered mean nothing when she does that, because perhaps the people that caused her the suffering in the first place felt pain and suffering too? Does that justify what they did to her? At this rate we just go round in circles. What happened to Morgana, her history, will help us understand why she is the way she is, damaged, traumatized, twisted, but it doesn't justify what she does or the fact that she does it.

Because then all the people she harms, all they will see of her is the pain she inflicts on them. Just the same as all she sees is the pain that was inflicted upon her. That is what she will become to other people; pain. Who gave her her own pain becomes irrelevant to them, because she's the one giving pain to them, especially when she has other options.

I love Morgana, I think she's incredible, at the beginning and at the end. But I will not bash Merlin and blame him, in order to love her. I can love her for who she is, without needing to put someone else down to make myself accept her. I can't accept what she does to people though, I can't accept that she hurts and tortures people (even if you blame Merlin, she hurts others apart from him when they have done nothing to her AND even if they have, she doesn't have to. She enjoys it.)

At some point in her life she makes a choice. A choice to do with her life experiences what she wills. A choice to react. She makes that choice despite the intervening of the world, she makes that choice alone, and only she can make it. Not Merlin who wanted to help her and love her and only ever hurt her when there was no other possible choice despite the fact it killed him inside to do that and she put herself in the place that pushed him to do it in the first place, not society who would throw her in a ditch and leave her to die and torture her, not Uther who would lie to her her whole life and be generally a horrible person never mind a horrible father. Morgana. Morgana makes the choice on who she is and what she does with her life. No one else.

So she is choosing to hurt people. I love her. I can't hate her, I just can't. But what she does to people isn't justifiable. And she can't just abdicate blame in order to justify it.

yeah anon its completely fine! i love getting things like this! :)

and yeah, no i definitely see where you’re coming from. honestly, morgana was definitely one of my favourite characters up until halfway through season two, but after that i stopped really caring for her, im not gonna lie. like i can totally understand the things that lead her to becoming what she became, even if i maybe dont understand her arc in its entirety, but idk. morgana made me angry and annoyed and you know - sometimes i get so angry that i think “she had a point!!!!” but most of all she makes me really sad.

i dont tend to talk/post about morgana’s character alone much for a few reasons, but the main two being that like. she makes my head and heart hurt. i dont know how to explain it, and i cant really give you a full fledged argument with proof or whatever but like. sometimes i think about morgana and think “yeah, that progression makes sense, even if it shouldve been developed” and other times i look at morgana and think “there is literally no amount of explaining they couldve done to make this seem like a natural course for her” so. its pretty annoying.

i do get annoyed a lot with people that try to make her the most righteous one of the show, because it feels like people conveniently forget that fighting for the right thing doesnt automatically excuse you being a horrible person, you know? like the amount of posts ive seen with people trying to be like “can you believe bbc merlin vilified the only only person willing to stand up to tyranny and prejudice brrr” is unREAL

as if morgana didnt take every opportunity to use the laws she was so “against” when it came to them benefitting her. she hated uther for his stance on magic but used those exact laws she was supposedly such a great ally against to not only frame merlin, but also gwen (3.03 and 3.10 respectively) ??? like thats not???? oh my god. morganas fight was a good one, but only until the end of season two, in my opinion.

and like im obviously not bashing people who liked her character or related to her or anything - im in no position to do that shsbsjsn - but it is kind of annoying when like. they genuinely ignore all the horrible things she did do and all her hypocrisy. liking evil female characters is one thing but like. trying to genuinely argue that she was the Most Right in the show is… mind boggling to me.

but anyway. yeah, i see what you mean. shes definitely a good/interesting character. there are a lot of paths that you can sort of go with her to understand her better. but exactly as you said - just bc she had every right to feel the way she did, doesnt mean she had any right to act the way she did (not at the end, in any case). and her actions were her own.

thanks for this! ❤️❤️

#sorry if this is incoherent #i - again - dont really think of morgana too much #heh #bbc merlin #morgana #ask

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phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust · 3 years

Note

I’d disagree with the anon that Paul was “incapable” of love, but I do agree he was very distanced, and pretty cruel (to women) when he was younger. (It was unfortunate they bought into the love at first sight myth, but he was also a charmer, and dropped affection and got colder after fucking them.)

But I just can’t see romantic interest on Paul’s end. I’m sure he loved John, but a lot of the “sexual/Romantic evidence” really can just be as construed as platonic love. I feel there may be some confirmation bias looking for “clues”. (Not an attack on anyone, but some of the analysises seem to try too hard, really).

He does make references, with the whole “calling him babe during concerts”, and “in bed” but that could just mean he’s not uncomfortable with coming off “gay”. He has a quote about it somewhere I think. He’s supportive of the community at any rate.

This is kind of my own bias, but at times I think he…plays it up a little during the present day? Again, I’m positive he did love John a lot, but with how he is, a charmer, good at manipulating his image, he knows there is a benefit to building up the “magical” Lennon McCartney dynamic. John’s dead, and the old conflicts have faded, so he has no reason not to. I don’t think he’s anti-social, or a psycho or anything, but he certainly does put a lot of thought into his image, especially now, with how he wants to leave his legacy.

I’m less knowledgeable about John, and the speculation about his mental illnesses, but on his end, I can certainly see it. Maybe he’s just blind, but the looks are very much…yeah. He does seem to rely Paul a lot, and hold him in very high regard (REGARDLESS of what those old male biographers might make of him). You just know he was suffering over Paul, poor bastard.

Not sure if anything happened. I think Paul knew though, and either ignored it, or was kind, knowing John wouldn’t act on it. OR he didn’t notice! With the whole “we shared beds A LOT. you would think he’d make a pass at me, darling~”

I guess that’s how I see it. I don’t really have strong feelings on the nature of their relationship, or want them to be “confirmed”, so I try to be as objective as possible! Not a shipper, but not a male biographer. In fact, I was very put off learning the ship was a thing at first! With every fan base “having to” ship the main male leads, that’s what I thought this was. But after three years, reading actual books, primary stuff, I’ve began to change my mind on its legitimacy, and this was my conclusion. But new information can always change!

(Sorry for the long long analysis, god! I just took my adderall and I should go eat! Feel free to block me for spam/harassment.)

Yeah, this is basically my big mclennon dilemma: did Paul love John?

Of course he loved him, but I mean did he harbour any homosexual feelings towards John - and I just go back and fourth on that a lot.

In my last response to an anon I wasn’t necessarily trying to argue that Paul was romantically/sexually attached to John, because all in all, I don’t believe he did - but it probably came off that way because I didn’t particularly like the way the anon had phrased some stuff (like calling him “a master manipulator” and “incapable of love”) and so I just sort of wanted to show that the relationship was more nuanced then just “john was simping for paul”. My overall point with that response was more so that whilst I think Paul struggles in showing real affection and emotions, I don’t think he was incapable of love prior to Linda. I think he did really love John (in whichever form of love you want to take it: romantically, platonically etc.)

And so my point I guess wasnt so much that Paul was always capable of love (because I think he did at least love his family, his close-friends, probably Jane etc.), but maybe more so that he was always capable of intimacy with another person, though he struggled with it.

But yeah, he was quite cruel to a lot of the girls he slept with in the 60s, but I wouldn’t say that suggests he was incapable of love (i know thats not what you’re saying but other people might interpret it through that lens) I would just say he was young, dumb, ridiculously rich and famous and not emotionally mature enough yet to really empathise with most of those girls. Not trying to completely excuse him, but like, i dunno, i always just try to view people from the most human perspective. Everyones an twat sometimes yknow

I also really struggle to see romance on Pauls behalf towards John - the only times I think “wait but maybe he did fancy john back” is when I read some of his lyrics (like in ‘Coming Up’, ‘Yvonne’s The One’, and to some extent ‘Here Today’ - though I think interpreting Here Today as strictly platonic love is still a valid interpretation). I mentioned this in a different post though, that analysing his lyrics just isnt particularly convincing for me, because it feels more like speculation - and also as someone who does write songs, I know that a lot of lyrics just arent as deep as we wish they were. It is really difficult to be truly introspective and honest in a song, without exaggerating or hyperbolising or fictionalising any autobiographical aspects.

I do see your point with Paul possibly playing up the “Lennon/McCartney m a g i c” - im not entirely sure how much I agree, but I do agree to some extent. I think he’s always been very image conscious, and being in what is probably the all-time most famous pop band definitely wouldve heightened that. Even as a teenager I think he’s always just had this natural charm about him, and that tends to stem I guess from a need to be liked; I think you can see it in every interview he’s ever done to be honest. Its not necessarily a bad thing, (because id take a charmer over a rude knobhead any day) but I guess it sort of just shows that Paul is flawed like everybody else. Also, just read @mothernatures-sons tags and I agree with her - Paul just knows when to be a nice person! Nothing wrong with that! It isnt manipulative like the last anon suggested, its just how most people are: polite :) Ive heard a lot of anecdotes from people who have worked with or met Paul and the majority of them say he was a just a nice guy. Not saying he was never an arsehole (cause yeah he was pretty cruel to those girls in the 60s) but I think overall, hes a pretty good guy 👍

On the other hand though, you could also say that superficial journalists are looking for superficial answers - and Paul knows what the people want to hear. But occasionally ill hear an interview that does seem more intimate then most - I havent listened to it in awhile, but the interview he did with Sean I remember felt more honest to me then most. And when he said he’d like to spend the day “in bed” with John, to me that felt like a genuine and fitting response. Because, whilst it has sexual connotations, it also just feels like he’s saying he’d just like to sit around, chat, dont chat, just whatever with John for a day. Like he would just like another moment of intimacy with him.

I think we are pretty much in agreement on most of this though! At first I was also like “nah, mclennon isnt real, teenage girls just love shipping guys!” (I am a teenaged girl and I can confirm this lol) but then it just sort of became apparent to me through reading more and more about their relationship that there probably was something more on Johns behalf. If John wasnt in love with Paul, then it feels as though a lot of things he said and did just dont add up (the big one for me is him marrying Yoko so soon after Paul married Linda - like I really cannot come up with a heterosexual explanation for that!)

But when it comes to Paul, though ill have moments of doubt, I dont think he was in love with John (homosexually) and I do think a lot of the evidence on Pauls behalf seems like a stretch (but like you, im not having a go at anyone, because I understand that it is easy to carried away, plus its fun - but realistically, most of Pauls evidence just is not convincing to me). He’s comfortable with his sexuality, and I really do try to respect that and not force a gay interpretation of quotes or songs from him, unless it is genuinely making me question his sexuality and mclennon.

PS dont worry, I didn’t take this is spam at all!! And also, I would never block someone just for disagreeing with me! I enjoy discussion and I think its good to engage with people who disagree with you! To be honest, id only block someone if they were purposely being a real arsehole <3

#mclennon #discussion

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