#you don't understand I was so scared to try again after the last failure

[skayafair]

Finally a human!John I see in my mind!

This particular image is inspired by "whisky old fashioned sour" by @bluejayblueskies

(Inspired by because I remember very few appearance details past the tattoes and facial expressions, so I mostly remember only the image that was playing out in my mind while reading when it was still being published. I think John was wearing mostly t-shirts there but a bartender outfit AND piercing? I couldn't resist)

[ladyyatexel]

Hey, what's up, hello, I'm Xel, I truly have Donald Duck levels of bad luck and yet I do not have the rage button that makes things work out if I throw a tantrum, which feels like yet another failure of media, what is the deal with this.

The deal is:

Temp job had to let me go instead of make me permanent because the economy scared the 5 people over 65 in that department out of feeling safe enough to retire

None of my applications are getting interviews and I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Donald Duck tantrum did not assist me in this realm.

Holy shit seasonal depression I can't get out of bed like.... A Lot.

I have a convention to go to in February where I am selling art in the art show and where I will see many of my friends the only time per year.

I'm scared of everything haha wow 😬

I'm am an artist who just feels too upset and worried to art

I'm having trouble getting everything together and maybe will feel better with some level of stability? I need to do a lot of paperwork. It is proving hard. I have the Tumblr popular suspicions about my level of neurodivergance. (Fun story: I told members of my my family that I have thought in the last two years especially that I might have ADHD or Autism or something, and my cousin said, "Oh, honey *just the last two years?*" Obliterated.)

My abusive dad recently joined a cult and my grandmother thinks he'll try to contact me after 15 years and I'm fucking scared of him and that is Affecting Me in A Way boy howdy.

I do not have the money to pay rent even a little bit! I'm trying to get January and February taken care of maybe? So I can try to exist for this period of time and maybe not have a breakdown or get evicted or something?

Some real not awesome medical junk happening also because why not.

SO, I'm doing Tumblr's favorite thing and being a starving queer artist with brain worms who needs help. If you are interested in helping me out and making a donation to the "Why don't my Donald Duck tantrums solve my problems" fund, I would be Really Grateful.

I am on Ko-Fi, which is really just a funnel to PayPal, over here.

$2500 would keep me on solid ground. I'll try to keep a tally here in a read more along with a expenses tally if that would help you feel better about me! I know I've had to ask frequently in the last few months, so I understand thinking I'm full of it.

I have a commission to finish currently and a few buttons and things that need to be mailed. You could also ask for button and commission, but I am doing prep work for my part of the art show in mid February, so I'm not available until after then for that!

My grandfather used to do a Donald Duck impression that was really good and it convinced me that either he WAS Donald Duck or that old people all knew how to do this because they all talked like this in the era Donald Duck was from.

Here is Ko-Fi again. If there's something you'd like to see me post or unearth in atonement, let me know. If you'd like other places to aim your dead green American presidents, I can give you that too.

Thanks for reading and/or reblogging! Tell me how Donald Duck's freakouts impacted you. Take care of yourselves!

Rent is $710/month, so 1420 is January and February.

65 for the internet, 130

65 for car insurance, 130

65 for electric unless I can get the assistance plan up again, same 130

250 to survive at the con maybe?

Also just like food until i can get the foodstamps stuff sorted??

Gas???

Anyway, that's an idea of what and why, if that is helpful.

Jan 8:

We are at $460!

Thanks!

[the-lady-general]

I know I'm four years late to the party but I worked out the timeline for Harry's epic pre-game bender and the feelings need out. HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE THIS KIND OF ANIMAL ANYMORE. :(

Sooo... Harry told the Major Crimes Unit to fuck off on Friday, and immediately started partying because he'd "solve the case in no time". Saturday night he jumped the floodgate with his car, destroying it and losing his badge and his uniform in the process. Idiot Doom Spiral said he was devastated by that, and also vaguely suicidal at this point. Sunday nigh Harry mostly tries to drink, but ends up waving his gun about threatening to kill himself in earnest. People get understandably upset by that, and Harry sells his gun, sans bullets. He decides he doesn't want to be this kind of animal (pig?! human?!) anymore and flushes the Ledger of Failure and Hatred (with the promotion for crippling Burke, which Harry didn't accept; with the two cases that resulted in his previous blackouts; with that damn postcard; the ledger that tells Harry to kill himself, asshole) down the toilet.

I wonder how exactly Saturday and Sunday went down. He couldn't do the field autopsy without a second officer present. But he has already been to the yard and talked with Cuno. He even tried getting into the harbour via the rooftops. Did the Hanged Man talk to him? Did that conversation go as badly as it did in the dream after the autopsy? Did Harry try to escape, both times by jumping over a barrier and getting drunk out of his mind? If that is how it went down then Trant is right about the bender being a defense mechanism: Harry avoided the corpse and the ledger that were trying to talk him into suicide; He left his badge with the promotion for police brutality behind; He sold the gun he came close to using on himself.

He just... arrived in Martinaise and stripped the policeman off, bit by bit. And the "good ending" has him recover all those bits again, the ledger, the coat, the car, the gun, even the tape, and finally his unit. He goes right back to being the same kind of animal he was when he arrived on the scene.

Which is a pig. When he wants to be a giant, curious stick insect that loves collecting trinkets and memories, who says "I exist" and is scared of being forgotten and alone. Because if he didn't have to be a cop (for the joke that is Nix Gottlieb's healthcare?) he could be scary (warn others of the apocalypse) and beautiful (superstar 😘) and kind (instead of getting promoted for permanently disabling someone). OF ALL THE CREATURES I HAVE MET YOU ARE THE THE SCARIEST, THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, THE KINDEST. OH GOD. JUST GIVE ME HARRY THE HOBOCOP AND LEPLANTE, MOVING IN WITH ISOBEL AND LEARNING HOW TO NOT BE PIGS TOGETHER. EVEN KIM SAYS HE'S GOING TO DIE IN THE FORCE. COPS KILL, BEING A COP KILLS AND NEITHER HARRY NOR KIM NOR LEPLANTE SEE AN ALTERNATIVE. I CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO RECRUIT CUNO OR TITUS ANYMORE. HOW DO I UNLOCK THE ENDING WHERE I GET KIM AND JEAN AND JUDIT FIRED. AND CHESTER AND TORSON TOO. FUCK YOU CAPTAIN PRYCE. I SAW THAT LAST ESPRIT DE CORPS CHECK YOU WANT HARRY TO BE UNHINGED AND BASH PEOPLE'S SKULLS IN AGAIN WHEN THE NEXT WAVE OF MERCENARIES COMES IN DON'T YOU. FUCK YOU GOTTLIEB. LIZ HELP. LIZ PLEASE. LIZ YOU'RE A LAWYER YOU CAN FIX THIS PLEASE ALL HE NEEDS IS TIME ELECTROCHEMISTRY SAID SO AND ELECTROCHEMISTRY IS NEVER WRONG.

[booksbluegurl]

Do you have any tips for stress before exam? My exam is in one month but, because I already go through failing it last year, I'm so scared now...

I love your blog so much and I wish you the best!

Hello!

I can totally understand your fear related to your upcoming exams. I also have my exams starting in June and was just done with one in May starting.

It does seem like a big mountain that we'd need to overcome barefoot, specially when the exams are so close.

I'd like to recommend you to check out my tip to manage overwhelm over a big syllabus if you haven't been able to comprehend studying or revision scenario.

Okay so, dealing with stress before exam

1. First thing you'd need to detach yourself from your past failures or success. It's difficult, I know. I had problems with doing the same too. But you'd need to consciously detach from all your fears, everytime they try to evade your mind.

I try to do that by affirmations. But honestly, one of the best things I found which helps me get rid of negative feelings, even if its momentary, is physical exercise or a walk. It works like magic. I didn't use this magic before my May exam and I regret not using it. But now, I've been consistently going for a walk or having some kind of physical exercise.

2. Now, this is a big part of most of my advices is to cut your syllabus into smaller, digestible chunks. And then take it. Lets say, you have 20 days and you have to read a 500 book for the exam, wow that sounds very scary. But what if, we decide to 25 pages a day. It may be a big deal depending upon how much you're used to reading,

If you're not used to long hours of studying/reading, start with small. See, the whole idea is to get working. Because when we are worrying, we're not working. So the idea is to put yourself in a state of flow. Again, I often feel this flow after some workout or exercise. So, let's say, you're going for a 10 minutes walk or you did 10 Jumping Jacks in your room, after the fatigue aspect is over, you're gonna feel more calm. Focus on the calm, make use of it.

Focusing on your physical wellbeing, is definitely gonna make your mental being well. Because, we all know that getting rid of stressful, negative thoughts isn't easy. We can say "don't think that. You're amazing. You'll do it" but to a person used to thinking negatively, any kind of positive words would sound like lies. So if we can't directly say good things to ourselves, we'll hack the system and then try again. And focusing on your physical wellbeing is the hack.

In short: exercise. go for a walk. drink a lot of water. perhaps making a routine might help. or atleast make a routine for your exercise or walks. sleep. take rest.

I hope this helps. Sometimes this advice seems counterproductive, but it's actually more helpful in such situations. Because our body and mind's already working itself up, we need to bring it to a state of rest. If we can't calm the mind, we'll start by calming the body.

A few other things you can try is Study with Me video on youtube or study discord channels where people come together to study. You can try going out to a cafe to study, if that's your thing. Change your environment, change the pattern of studying, try something new that you can try in a short time.

You'll do it, alright? Focus on the doing, focus on the action. Give all your focus on the action and not the result. Perhaps that might help you get rid of some of the worry.

Good luck ✨

-Tanishka.

(thank you so much for liking my blog ❤️)

[hypnoneghoul]

Hi, same anon from a few weeks ago that was asking if you could write some little sick Phantom.

I was supposed to go to the concert last night that got rescheduled, luckily I still get to go but I've been crying all morning and now am at work trying not to cry more even though it's kinda dumb because I get to go tomorrow.

Do you think I can get some more little Phantom comfort?

Thank you in advance if you do ❤️

I'm so sorry this happened darling :( and feeling like this it's not dumb at all, it's completely valid! I hope you're better now <3

this is short and rushed because I just got off work but wanted to deliver this asap, I hope it's decent

sorry for the asks that had been waiting, I'll take care of everything tommorow because today was my last day at work

First time it happened he was so scared.

He didn't know what was going on, the only thought in his fuzzy brain being "wrong". It never happened before and he was scared and didn't know what to do, where to go.

Something in his mind started to slip after his panic when he messed up again, another song. He knew it was normal, each and every one of them messed up and he never ate himself up for doing so.

But that day... he was tired. Another show in a row, not being able to get enough rest on the loud and jumping bus in between them, Phantom was exhausted. He grew to love touring, playing, but it was tiring. And he was on the verge.

Everyone was getting snappy and he was sure someone was close to actually smacking him over the head, not just playfully for the show.

He cried, under the mask, when he messed up that night. Tried to calm down, take deep breaths through the fabric muzzle and tell himself to not be dramatic. It didn't work.

Well, not exactly.

He felt his brain slowing, but not stopping at just "calm". It slowed further, until all he could think about was how scared he was of punishment for his mistake. Mistakes.

Phantom has no idea how he got through the rest of the show, but he did his best, even if he was practically shaking with held back sobs by the time the last song ended. He hoped no one noticed, he was so stupid, dramatic but he was so scared, he-

"Hey, bug," Swiss' voice cut through the haze as he squeezed Phantom's hand. When did he grab it? His eyes widened, he wasn't fast enough to hold back a whine. "You alright?"

He opened his mouth to say yes, but his words just wouldn't come out. His heart sped up impossibly, shoulders slumped as his fear only grew.

What was going on, why couldn't he think, why didn't he understand what was going on around, what was everything so loud, why his limbs felt so heavy, why-

"Calm down, kid, you're okay," he heard Swiss again.

Kid.

A kid.

That's... that's what he was.

He was just a kid who ended up in front oh thousands of people full of expectations and he failed them all. He failed his packmates, his Papa. He was just a kid but he was already a failure.

Somehow he ended up on a couch. When did he get to a couch?

The couch was... warm. And its shape was weird.

The couch was talking.

"Back with me, bug, it's alright, I've got you," it wasn't the couch, it was Swiss.

Phantom jumped, he failed Swiss too, he couldn't be comforted by him.

"Shhh, it's okay, baby," the multi ghoul cooed again, smoothing a big, warm hand over Phantom's back. It was nice. "There you go, that's the happy purr."

Baby.

Purr? He was purring?

He tried to say something, anything, but he couldn't. There was so little words in his head.

"Don't try to talk, kid, there's no need. Just relax."

Kid.

Phantom liked that, it was like Swiss... understood. Even if he himself didn't. It was nice. Swiss was nice.

He couldn't say it, but he cuddled closer, curling up more in Swiss' lap. He hoped Swiss would understand.

"There you go, yeah, just like that, kid, I've got you."

He did, Swiss did have him, Swiss was home, he was-

"Safe," Phantom mumbled, the only word he seemed to have right now.

"Yes, you're safe," Swiss chuckled.

The quintessence ghoul whined in protest, though, shook his head, "You... safe."

"I'm... safe?" Swiss asked, Phantom shook his head again.

"I... mean safe?" that got Swiss an enthusiastic nod and a happy chirp before he burrowed back into the crook of his neck. "Yes, baby, safe with me. Always safe with me."

.

.

.

When he was himself again, Swiss made him talk with Rain about what happened. How exactly did he feel, how did his head feel. Phantom was embarrassed, he told them it was just stupid panic attack or something, he was just being dramatic, he was tired.

Rain begged to differ.

He told Phantom he regressed. Something that Rain themself did sometimes, Dew and Mountain too, though slightly different. He told him it was normal, that he could learn to enjoy feeling all small.

Phantom could believe that... but only if Swiss would be there to keep him safe.

[sanctum-of-ramshackle]

💀Date Night💫

[Synopsis]: Idia and Miyeon go out to a place not in Twisted Wonderland but some other dimension.

Canon x OC [Idia Shroud x Miyeon Choi]

[(A/N)]: I want to try this AU out and had to watch some episodes of the animated show just to get the vibe going. Also a few gifs are placed everywhere just to help visualize any action.

[(A/N #2)]: It’s another excuse for these two characters to get together.

[Mirror Chamber]

Idia: I’m not okay with this.

Miyeon: Don’t worry, Idia. I checked and double-checked. This is safe, and I even booked reservations for us to be in a secluded part of the clubhouse.

Idia: You did?

Miyeon: Yeah. I understand you’re still not comfortable being around others or being outside in general, but think of this as a simulation with just the two of us and the “NPCs” are not our concern. And this could be baby-steps for being out of your room longer. Which Ortho describes, in a way. The place is always packed and it’s pretty difficult to get in. I promise there won’t be bad news happening, but if there is, we’ll come back to NRC.

Idia: *Trying to hide his smile* What did I do to deserve you like an UR+ character?

Miyeon: Maybe it was the time I saved you and while helping me stay grounded.

[Idia and Miyeon arrived at the front of the club, and as they first entered inside, Choi checks them in.]

Daisy: Welcome to the House of Mouse. Have you made reservations?

Miyeon: Yes, actually. Under the name “Miyeon Choi” and on a date with my boyfriend. It’s our first time here.

Daisy: Right this way. *Points at the direction*

Donald: *Welcoming them* Hello, welcome to my club.

Miyeon: Thank you, sir.

[The couple walked through the crowd of guests and tables. Miyeon was amazed by the atmosphere and all of the whimsical characters.]

Miyeon: I have never seen such a dimension this…animated. Right, Idia?

Idia: *Sticking close to Miyeon* Y-Yeah…

Miyeon: Oh, found our table. I heard there’s a special going on tonight. How are you holding up?

Idia: I’m still readjusting to the new settings.

Miyeon: *Nods* Everything is gonna be okay. Just a night between us and let loose. Oh, I need to fix something up. Be right back.

[As Miyeon came out of the restroom, she was heading back to their table before seeing a huge cat character tormenting a staff employee.]

Miyeon: Oh hell no. *Teleports to the scene*

Pete: Once I get my hands on you, I’ll-

Miyeon: *Appears in front of the character and blocks the employee behind them* You’ll do what?

Pete: *Spooked by the appearance* Huh?!

Miyeon: Get your filthy gloved hands away from this staff worker. Who the HELL do you think you are?

Pete: I'm Pete. The landlord and owner of this building-

Miyeon: 난 신경 안 써 [nan singyeong an sseo] (I don't give a fuck).

Pete: *Offended* Are you mocking me?

[The commotion starts gaining everyone’s attention.]

Snow White: Oh dear.

Aladdin: Another fight happening?

Alice: Should we get somebody?

Miyeon: No, I said I don't care. You were insulting this kid while they’re just doing their job and you even threaten them. How about you leave before something happens, okay?

Pete: Bah! You think you’re so tough protecting this one.

Miyeon: That’s my job. I protect people and their realities. I even know what will happen in your future. Failure after failure attempting to win everything when your rival, Mickey is the true winner. You know that trope where true villains actually lose? I know you will, and it’s a fact.

Pete: *Furious* Why you… *Throws a punch*

Miyeon: *Opens a portal*

Miyeon: Wrong move, tubby.

Pete: *Holds his bruised face* How?!

Miyeon: Training and experience. I’ll tell you again, leave this place. You’re scaring everyone here.

Pete: *Throws in another punch*

Miyeon: *Catches his fist and grips it tightly* Go ahead. Hit me. See what nightmare-inducing dimension I can bring you to.

Pete: *Yanks his arm back and holds his aching hand* This isn’t gonna be the last time you’ll hear from me.

[Pete the Cat rushes out of the club.]

Miyeon: Fucking asshole. Hey, are you okay?

MC/Yuu/[Y/N]: Yeah, I went through worse things. But thanks.

Miyeon: You don’t seem like you’re a cartoon or anything. Which world are you from?

MC/Yuu/[Y/N]: Twisted Wonderland.

Miyeon: Oh my god. Another me?

MC/Yuu/[Y/N]: ???

Miyeon: I’m Miyeon Choi. Also from Twisted Wonderland and a temporary professor teaching at NRC.

MC/Yuu/[Y/N]: You’re kidding. How are you able to handle students?

Miyeon: I’m the Master of Eldritch Magic back in my original world and handled some hard-asses during my times of defending my world’s reality.

MC/Yuu/[Y/N]: Why are you here?

Miyeon: I’m on a date with Idia.

MC/Yuu/[Y/N]: Idia?!

Miyeon: Well, my Twisted Wonderland’s Idia. We’re having a night out as we take turns trying something new every once in a while.

MC/Yuu/[Y/N]: So you’re what? Another me who is actually powerful?

Miyeon: I wouldn’t say powerful. Just experienced from times I fought against greater enemies.

Goofy: MC/Yuu/[Y/N]! You’re needed at Table 7!

MC/Yuu/[Y/N]: Oh my god! The Great Seven are coming.

Miyeon: Wait. They come here? Like actually here?

MC/Yuu/[Y/N]: Yes, and I’m the only one who can tolerate them. It’s cool meeting you and thanks again for saving me.

Miyeon: No problem. It was also nice meeting you. I have to go back to my date.

Miyeon: Jagiya! Sorry for leaving you alone. A staff member was in trouble and I couldn’t help but- *Sees her boyfriend shaking* Idia, what’s wrong? You looked like you found out your favorite anime got canceled.

Idia: *Eyes at the direction*

Miyeon: *Follows his view*

[The two were sitting by the Great Seven at their table.]

Miyeon: Oh. Okay, don’t mind them.

Idia: How? How are they here?

Miyeon: We’re in another dimension and they could only and possibly be around here than back home. Lets just order something to ease off tonight.

[As the night continues, Miyeon and Idia are enjoying the music performance and animation (mostly Idia giving commentary on every skit) and each other’s company.]

Idia: Miyeon-shi. Do you want to hang out back in my room? I-I’m sure it’s late back at NRC and you’re busy with no time for me…

Miyeon: Oh Idia, you don’t have to be nervous. Of course I’ll hang out with you more. Plus I’m sure Grim is having a fun sleepover with the ADeuce duo.

[Then all of a sudden, Pete the Cat brought his goons into the club.]

Donald: HAH?!! What’s the big problem?! You can’t enter here! *He gets thrown aside by Pete*

Pete: Where is that wizard lady? *Spots Miyeon at their table* Found you. Get’em boys!

[The goons rush over to the table, ready to strike at the Eldritch Master.]

Idia: *Sees the goons* Miyeon? What did you do this time?

Miyeon: My Universe, don’t worry. I got everything under control. *Sips some of their mocktail*

[They crash into a portal mimicking mirror shards that start rippling and disappeared into the Mirror Dimension.]

Miyeon: Trying to attack me after what I told you. *Deactivates the spell*

Pete: Huh?! How?!!

Miyeon: I’m one of the most powerful magic users back in my original world. I learned from the best ones, too. Now… *Cracks their neck and knuckles* Still want to hit me?

Idia: *Behind Miyeon and mouthing “Run” to the cartoon cat*

[Pete runs away in fear from Miyeon and exits out of the club for tonight.]

Pete: *From a distance* This isn’t over!

???: Huh. Not bad, kid.

Idia & Miyeon: *Turns their heads to the mysterious person and are surprised* Lord of the Underworld?!/Hades?!

Hades: The one and only. I watched what you did and I’m impressed.

Miyeon: Uh thanks. I hope I didn’t cause too much trouble and disturbing everyone’s night.

Hades: No way. It’s been a while since actual excitement happened here. Plus, I heard from a little imp that you saved our favorite staff worker.

Miyeon: Oh, MC/Yuu/[Y/N]. I couldn’t pass by after what I witnessed. You know, my morals as a protector.

Hades: Yeah, I hear you. So why are you here?

Miyeon: *Holds Idia’s hand* I’m on a date with my Idia.

Idia: *Blushes hard by the gesture* Miyeon…!

Hades: Really? Count yourself lucky. I tried to set my Idia up with MC/Yuu/[Y/N].

Idia & Miyeon: Seriously?

Hades: It’s a long story. You two have a great date night. *Walks back to his table* In your faces, guys!

Idia: Miyeon, can we go back? To my room?

Miyeon: Yeah. After tonight’s event, I’ll pay for everything.

[Back in Twisted Wonderland]

[Idia and Miyeon were quiet during the walk back to the Ignihyde Dormitory.]

Miyeon: Tonight did not go as planned.

Idia: I can’t believe we interacted with one of the Great Seven. What kind of seasonal event is this?

Miyeon: I didn’t expect that either. It may take a while until our next date night.

Idia: Yeah, a while.

Miyeon: …Idia, I’m sorry I ruined our night out. I should have ignored the problem but I couldn’t. It just happened.

Idia: Miyeon-shi, I don’t blame you. You’re a hero back in your world, but sometimes you need to let other normies do their things.

Miyeon: Hmm. Wonder who taught you that. *Smiles smugly at their boyfriend*

Idia: U-Uhh…A good teacher…

Miyeon: Let’s just relax in your room. I’m dead tired from that fight. *Holds their hand out to Idia*

Idia: *Anxiously reaches and grabs her hand*

Miyeon: Don’t worry. Nobody is awake now. Come on. *Ushers Idia back to his room*

[The two then spend the rest of the night together.]

💫[Reblogs are appreciated and helps create more content]✨

[Tagged]: @rose-tea-and-strawberries @adrianasunderworld @hhurric4ne

[atxxzist]

broken | c.s (final) preview

series m.list

pairing: choi san x reader

word count: 1.4k

dear y/n,

i am finally writing this letter. i’ve sat down many times attempting to do so, sometimes barely able to get through the first line and sometimes i’ll read the first paragraph i wrote only to throw it away, completely unsatisfied. but it’s been four years–at least at the time that i’m writing this–that i’ve last seen you. four years since we saw each other and we probably won’t for a very long time, if ever.

it would be a miracle for me if i was to ever cross paths with you even just one more time, but it would be a tragedy for you because i’d like to think fate wouldn’t be so cruel to put you through that. so i write this letter with the thought that you would most likely never see it, but i did promise myself that if fate really is that cruel and we were to cross paths again, i would give it to you. it’s a bit selfish of me, but it’s because i know the chance of ever seeing you again is close to none. but it’s also everything i’ve ever wanted to tell you; say to you. i want to apologize sincerely, even though it’s a little too late. in a way, this letter is also an outlet for me and my thoughts.

it’s been about a year since i’ve graduated and around this time of the year, i always get a little sentimental. could be because i’m so far away from home so it’s only natural, but i know it’s because it’s summer and i tend to associate the season with you. we did a lot together and you opened some parts of me i couldn’t say or admit at the time.

you would always used to tell me to just try whenever i didn’t see the worth in doing something and i honestly just dismissed it because it sounded silly and quite cliche. i thought it was ironic coming from someone so shy and timid who always looked at the world with so much fear in her eyes. now, i’m starting to understand the amount of courage it must've taken you to even go out of your comfort zone. i realized, i was so much of a coward in comparison despite thinking i was the hottest shit at the time.

i always ran, but you never did. i was so scared of anything new and unfamiliar but you always faced them even when there's a likely chance of failure. i treated you like shit and you still wanted to love me. i think about it often... why are you this way? but i won't ever know because i never put in the efforts to get to know you beyond what you could offer me. you always asked about me but i never did the same in return.

if i could redo everything, i would want to hear your story. i would love to read anything you write. i said i would, but i never did.

i'm in the states, i'm sure somewhat and somehow you probably already know that (or you probably don't because you don't care anymore, which is fair). i left right before the start of the second semester during sophomore year. it was a big decision for sure, but i needed the change. things were already getting stale and repetitive, and you know me... i am not one to stick in one place for too long. i will always run, and so i ran to the states to live with my sister.

other than the fact i was born there and half of my family resides there, at that point, there was nothing left for me in korea. i didn't have much to lose if i were to fly across an ocean and start anew.

wooyoung had already cut contact with me by then and any friends close to genuine i've ever had were all from associations with him. soon after, i realized anyone i still talked to were all phonies who i only hung around during parties and stupid rendezvous, with the exception of jongho. he got into yonsei, by the way. if you didn't see him pestering you on campus, you probably already picked that up. he sent me a message a few months ago to come back and attend his graduation but i told him to fuck off because he didn't attend mine either. good for him, though. he's a smart kid.

but yeah. wooyoung's a good person even if he grew up privileged. it's what makes him such a people magnet. he was the most genuine friend i've ever had and the one who stuck by me for the longest. i really took him for granted and it only hit me when i lost him.

you are fortunate to have someone like mingi and yunho who seems very protective. i was a little scared when wooyoung warned me about mingi because he threatened to knock me out if he ever sees me. he's much taller than me, so i don't doubt it.

i know i sound miserable so far, but i am actually doing pretty okay... unfortunately. you probably don't want to hear that and wish i was suffering, but i've suffered for maybe two and a half years before i finally felt somewhat content and okay, if that will make you feel any better.

the states is different and the people are as well. i've got to experience a lot of new things for a change.

when i transferred, i still didn't know what to do. the clock was ticking and there was only so little time before i had to pick a field. i ended up going into dance performance, and of course i thought of you. when i found a passion for it again, i thought of you. and when i graduated last year with a fine arts degree, i thought of you... all because i knew you would be the happiest to hear about it.

whenever anyone asked me why i don't want to come back home, i would always tell them what i told you: because there's nothing left there for me. but one of the biggest reasons why i didn't want to come back was because it reminded me of you too much. that, coupled with other factors, just makes it so much harder for me to want to return. it feels like reopening old emotional wounds that i have no one else to blame for but myself.

but my junior year, i met someone named yeonjun because we shared the same major. i get nostalgic sometimes because he often reminded me of wooyoung. speaking of wooyoung again, i sent him a similar letter but in email form a while ago, though not as long, and he said he was happy to hear from me again. i wasn't sure if he was going to reply at all because it was an old email and i assumed he probably wanted nothing to do with me and that was official. but he replied pretty fast and said if i ever returned to korea, he doesn't mind catching up. he went into business and said it's something he actually really enjoys.

yeonjun is cool though, and like a less annoying version of wooyoung. he was also a transfer but had been here longer than i have. he met his girlfriend online who's living in south korea and so after he graduated, he went back right away and said he was going to attempt to open his own studio. just about a month ago, he called me and said it's almost done and he would be recruiting. he wants me to come back and help him and i've been giving it some consideration because i'm not doing much here back at the states either.

i was hesitant at first, of course. all for the reasons i've already stated, but all i ever do i run and even i'm growing tired of it. no matter how many bad memories the place holds, it is still home and my motherland after all.

anyways, i apologize for rambling. the letter is getting way too long, but my point is, i might've started liking you at one point. not in the casual way that our relationship was, but actually really like you. i don't know. now that i'm older, it's true that the love you've given me was something i was not ready for at that time and age. and now, it's everything i wish i have. funny how time really does change a person.

i hope you are doing good for yourself, and i'm so sorry if you ever get the chance to read this letter.

-- choi san

[uldren-sov]

OC ask: guilt, for Camy (:

Ask meme here!

tyty for the asks!!! <3 Camy Ro-row-row-your-boat (art here)

fear: What is your OC's greatest fear? What do they do when confronted with it? Are they open with their fear, or do they hide it away?

So first I thought of was failure, right? But it's more specific than that.

Her greatest fear is going back home. It's almost like something's changed within her but honestly something was just uncovered. She is never coming home because there is no place that is home for her any longer. Leaving showed that. Incremental success, small venues, worrying over bills, and the every present disdain of her parents has made her home town nothing more than a place she has a lease at.

She has no family waiting for her. Everyone there for her relies on her. Her friends are everything to her, but BOTB is giving an example as to why you don't go into business with family and friends. And she knows how quickly things go from everything to nothing.

She's not at all open with her fear, she barely recognizes it lurking below her confidence and determination. But it's not as if she would show it, she's been the unofficial leader since Seven left, and she can't show anyone any cracks or else they'll think she'll break. If they would even bring it up.

Hard to be scared of something she's not aware of is there. The moment she stops to think, the second she has enough room to breathe? Well maybe ambition turns into desperation.

guilt: What is your OC guilty about? How do they handle their guilt? Do they try to avoid guilt, or do they accept it?

She feels guilty that she didn't try harder.

Not about the Vote. There's nothing she could have done there. In the year, the years, following the Vote she thought: how could she have made them understand? She could have done something more, she needed them to understand that it didn't work unless Seven was in the band, in some way in any way he needed to be there. She doesn't work, she can't do this, without him in the band-

She couldn't do anything about the Vote, she realized that eventually.

Despite how awfully Seven treated her when they broke up, no matter the posts on social media, no matter the texts from ex-friends rubbing it in her face that they get to see what made her and Seven's relationship so special, no matter how empty her shitty small apartment was after he left, she still feels bad that she still didn't try harder to make amends, to reconnect.

She let him go and she didn't try to save what they could of their friendship, she didn't even try. There was such a history of friendship, that lasted for so much longer than the relationship did, and she feels guilty about not trying to save it. She mourned it and instead of trying to fix it, she wrote a goodbye to their relationship on their anniversary, she decided to write off love and relationships unconsciously, and she was so focused on how little she felt that when she came to the realization it was years later.

She's a fan of Soft Violence, she's glad he seemed to land on his feet, she's relieved he has people there for him professionally ... and personally, and that was enough to convince her that they're in a better place than where they were. If she felt this, maybe he would too. Maybe if they met again they could meet as friends.

But she didn't try at all and now they're this. She's guilty that she didn't try harder.

skin: How comfortable is your OC in their skin? Do they grapple with anything that lives inside them—a beast, a curse, a failure, a monster? How do they face the smallest, weakest, most horrible version of themself? Are they able to acknowledge it at all?

She's pretty comfortable in her skin! But she's happier now that she's changed. She looks very different than she did in high school and she started changing her look at least over a year since the breakup. A little less soft, a little more sharp, a little bit harder to swallow.

She's doing the show's work for them when she says she looks more thorn than rose now.

At least that's what she wants to portray. It's her first line of defense.

She is maybe a little scared of people still seeing her as broken, as weak, as wilting. And though she isn't grappling with anything, she's shored up her cracks with will and confidence, but as time wears on doubt is starting to drip through as to how far that confidence can actually take her. But that's for later, if she acknowledges it which she most likely won't. She won't invite something in that will risk their chance her chance at this. She can't.

[angeart]

You know that post about when characters die or whatever and they just come back… they come back Wrong.

yeah…. THAT

mumbo and scar are always together, clinging together like how Grian used to them, because now that he’s gone, they feel cold and alone. So they keep each other company. literally All the time

After Grian comes back I see 2 possible possibilities. 1: he manages to escape himself, through whatever way. but he’s just… not the same. Something is wrong. He looks.. duller. He seems empty and hollow. he is Not The Same.

2: if he was taken by the watchers or whatever, he could come back, but.. under the watchers control. something like that. he could still escape the watchers, but maybe just in this trance, kinda.

Mumbo and Scar. again. 100% sooo clingy. like they’re absolutely stuck together methinks. Absolutely stuck. and they go to each other to cry to each other abt guilt btw too btw. scar crying because he coulnt save Grian, Mumbo crying because he could’ve.. he should’ve been there. He should’ve had Grian with him instead

I think, for more angst purposes, it’s be a little like.. in the time Grian was gone, mumbo and scar became so much closer. And “grew apart” from Grian while he was missing, paired with him being so Weird when he returns.. I hope u get what I mean bc I can’t put it into words

ohhhhh yeah! i see what you mean!

also i totally understand what you're trying to say, with them growing closer together in grian's absence, and then that (coupled with grian's changed behaviour - and the half-processed grief) puts distance between them even though grian is back. in a way.

i'm thinking. something about grian, when he comes back, is sharper. not in a dagger kind of way. but in a jutting edges of a shattered porcelain kind of way. also, he keeps spacing off. forgetting things. sometimes he seems to turn as if he heard something when there's nothing but silence. sometimes he stares off where nobody is. (why not make it a bit spooky.) maybe he says weird things sometimes.

(he also absolutely definitely has nightmares.)

they try to ignore it, because they're just happy he's back.

but he's not back right and they can't ask him what happened to him. they can't breach that barrier. they're scared of what asking the question out loud will do. what the answer might hold.

sometimes, he looks like the old grian. just sadder, more vulnerable, more fragile. that's the hard part about it. sometimes he'd laugh with them and it'd feel almost normal. it'd feel so much like grian that it actually makes their heart ache.

then he'd grow quiet and upset and they'd comfort him. sometimes he looks scared. he keeps coming to them then, and they keep pulling him closer. they keep trying.

but then other times he doesn't quite feel like grian at all.

and they're trying to understand.

they're trying to love him the same way they used to, but they're not sure where his place between them is anymore. the spot has been bandaged, stitched, built over. and half the time, he feels like a stranger. they don't know what to do with it, and it makes them feel hopeless and guilty. and maybe it adds to their distance.

maybe scar feels like this is worse. (and he hates himself for thinking that.) when he thought grian died, it was one big failure. but it was a failure that was finite and it ended, its consequences very clearly defined. this? this feels like his failure lives on, a leeching parasite clinging to him. like it continues, in an unpredictable way. a bullet ricochetting off walls and he doesn't know where it'll land. what else he'll lose to it.

it feels like this failure, because it lasts, should be fixable.

and yet he stands there on the rocky floating bridge between grian's and mumbo's bases and

he

doesn't know

what to do

[cosmicjoke]

So my last post got me thinking about one of the recurring criticisms I often see leveled at Levi, and that's that he "doesn't make any of his own decisions". These people who claim this often site Levi's "reliance" on Erwin to make choices for him, claiming further that Levi is "afraid" to make choices because of a fear of being responsible for the loss of people's lives. They also criticize Levi for his supposed inability to save anyone's life, decrying him as a "failure" because he's the last veteran scout left alive in the end, as if he failed to save anyone's life because of some sort of lack of character on his part, or weakness. Never mind that most of the vets that died did so under their own volition, because they chose to put themselves in a position to die. That isn't Levi's fault. And again, that goes back to what is going to be my main point, that Levi respects others agency.

But these kind of claims always particularly piss me off, because they're just blatantly false.

Levi makes plenty of decisions on his own, for one thing. His choice to follow Erwin in the first place is a choice. He chooses to follow Erwin's orders because he's decided that Erwin is someone worth following, as someone he believes can see beyond what he can. But he gives orders to his soldiers in the midst of combat, on his own, like during the Female Titan arc, or the Uprising arc. He decides, without Erwin's input, to make the 104th his new Special Operations Squad, he decides to keep pursuing Eren after he's been kidnapped by Kenny, at the possible cost of Erwin's life, he goes after Reiner during the RtS arc without orders, and proposes a plan of action to take down the Beast Titan when he thinks Erwin has no answers. This is all before he also takes on the burden of deciding for Erwin what he should do, whether to live and pursue his dream, or give up on it and die, along with a hundred other soldiers. All of that doesn't seem to me like someone who's "afraid" to make decisions on his own, or is somehow indecisive. And even if Levi is afraid of losing people (which of course he would be because he cares so much about people's lives), he faces that fear every day and goes at it head on. Him being scared doesn't make him indecisive or paralyzed. Again, he makes plenty of decisions, ones which lead to him losing his comrades. Him being afraid doesn't mean he can't or won't act.

But there's a further point I want to discuss, which is that I think people who make these sorts of claims about Levi don't understand his mindset at all. They mistake Levi's encouragement of others to make their own choices as some sort of cowardice or indecisiveness on his part, but that's all wrong. What it really is, is that Levi is one of the few, if not the only characters in AoT who doesn't, in fact, seek any sort of power, and who doesn't attempt to control things, be that surrounding circumstances or other people. He reacts in the moment, and does what needs to be done, but he doesn't have schemes, he doesn't have plans, he doesn't try to manipulate the circumstances to a desired outcome.

I was thinking about how, with Erwin for example, he seeks to gain and then control Levi's power in order to further his cause of finding out the truth of the world and humanity. Or you have Reiner, Annie and Bertholt, trying to gain and control Eren's power. Or you have Eren, of course, trying to gain control of Ymir's power in order to control the reality of the world, by making it into a desolate landscape devoid of humanity. Or Zeke, trying to also gain Ymir's power and use it to commit a genocide.

Levi is the most physically powerful character in the whole series. He HAS power, more power than a lot of people, and yet he doesn't want nor does he attempt to wield it against anybody. Levi's only interested in using his power to help people, in using it to protect others, if he can. His encouragement of others to make their own choices isn't because of some failing on his part, because he's scared to make decisions himself, but rather indicative of Levi's own, healthy perspective of himself and others and their relationships to one another. Levi isn't interested in controlling anybody, or making anybody do his bidding, or forcing anyone to accept his mindset or habits or notions of right and wrong. He isn't that insecure. He doesn't feel the need to impose his will. Why anyone would take this as a negative character trait it beyond me, unless they just enjoy seeing one person dominate and control another.

I think this also ties into how Levi is probably the most grounded character in that he sees and accepts the reality around him, both in terms of the world's nature and in terms of human nature. He knows how the world operates and he knows how people operate, and he doesn't delude himself into any sort of idealized version of any of it.

I saw someone once say that it's a miracle how Levi is maybe the most level headed and normal person in AoT, and that's true. I think that's really emphasized most of all by how he doesn't try to control or dominate anyone. There's no kind of thrill or sense of satisfaction he gets out of that kind of thing. And no, Levi making threats against their enemies and claiming that he enjoys hurting them isn't a contradiction to this. Levi says those sorts of things only when he's feeling particularly upset, like when Zeke endangered his soldiers in Liberio when he was just supposed to be playacting, or when he's trying to prevent more bloodshed, like against Annie. Again, he isn't that insecure, he doesn't feel the need to impose himself or his will on anyone. It's especially impressive when you realize how easily he could, not just because of his physical strength, but because of his position within the military. And Levi's refusal to do that is indicative of the respect he has for other people. He trusts them to choose for themselves, and further, he believes other people have the right to choose, and that right should be respected. It isn't because he's afraid, it's because he actually cares about and wants other people to have the freedom to decide for themselves.

[ladyintree]

@warpainte said, "that's what scares me the most, knowing you could just let me go."

it's not something she's ever planning to do again, but she knows that saying that isn't enough to reassure her, not after what they've been through the last few years. but letting mikayla go was never about not wanting her. it was about tai desperately trying to reclaim her life, trying to move forward and not remain stuck in the past. she fell in love with mikayla at the worst point of her life in the such a terrifying place, and while she provided her so much hope and relief in the wilderness, she wasn't sure how to separate it all on the outside, too afraid that her feelings for mikayla and their relationship would be forever intertwined with the trauma they endured, and how was she supposed to get back to her life? she knows now that she's with her again after all this time that it was never a decision she should have made on her own, that the two of them deserved the chance to figure it out together rather than tai speed-running back to her life while mikayla was continuing to go through it. she'll never be able to make up for the lost time, but she's tried so hard to bury it all anyway, despite knowing she deserves to hear it from mikayla now.

❝  you don't have to be afraid. ❞ but even she knows that those words mean nothing after what happened before, even though she means it now. she takes a deep breath, reaching for both of her hands to hold in hers. her thumbs brush over mikayla's fingers as she dares to look her in the eyes, forcing herself to face her own biggest regret: letting her go. ❝  baby, i know you're scared, but i'm in this. more than i've ever been. ❞ they've survived together, they've killed together and for each other, it means something to her to say that now, and she can only hope mikayla understands that, too. ❝  i tried that. i failed. remember? ❞ she'd never admit to her failure so easily, but this is the one thing she's glad she never succeeded in, because mikayla was meant to be in her life, and she never should have tried to let her go in the first place. ❝  i want you. i've always wanted you. ❞

[mechanicalsquid]

feeling the Eldest Daughter Syndrome™ a bit lately plus other ✨ emotions ✨ so this is a little rambly, venty post about that.

(tw's for some very brief mentions of depression and anxiety)

I want to be a kid again. When was the last time I was a kid? carefree? was I ever a kid? in elementary school I was the "gifted kid", the "mature" one, always put on a pedestal as the example for my brothers. always used as a comparison. my parents asking "why can't your brothers be more like you?" what they saw was a daughter with straight A's while a leader on their robotics team, a successful athlete, and balancing other clubs. this is what they saw up through college, 8+ years of this. 8-12 fucking years. over half my life. what they didn't see was how much that broke me. they never saw that I would wake up at 4:30 in the morning (a habit started in fourth grade) in order to do my homework. because I a) couldn't focus after school due to likely having undiagnosed adhd, and b) was so exhausted. by the end of high school, my typical routine was: up between 5-6, do homework, go to school from 7-2:30, go to cross country/track/robotics from 3-5, and then would often stay till 6 or 7 doing extra testing or drive practice for robotics, go home to eat and do dishes and maybe attempt more homework before passing out at midnight. my entire life revolved around school and extracurriculars, never proper time for friends. a similar story through college. they didn't see how much of myself was lost after pouring it into college. the burnout that resulted. they never saw the panic attacks or breakdowns, how bad my mental health declined, the nights crying myself to sleep because everything was so overwhelming and because I would be a disappointment if I didn't perform to the expectations set for me. because the one time I did tell my mom that I felt depressed, she invalidated my feelings and said that maybe I was just anxious and should just try eating better. because later that summer, after a camping trip with friends, she told me that "being depressed isn't an excuse and you need to suck it up" because I didn't engage "properly" and "wasn't having fun" with everyone. I can't show negative emotions without consequences. I must always be happy. I must always be on my best behavior. I must be the role model. perfect. always perfect. no mistakes. If I fail, no, if /I'm/ a failure all Hell breaks loose. I'm an awful daughter (where did my mom go wrong? what did she do to deserve this?). if I do something wrong or make a mistake then I'm terrible. if my brothers make a mistake or forget to do something, it's my fault for not reminding them (even though one is almost 20). all outrage, all emotions are directed to me. through me. I will never have the peace after a hurricane. if my parents are able to calmly talk to my brother about a task or something he did wrong, it's likely because they have no rage left after using it on me, leaving me a sobbing mess. I will always take the blame, whether by choice or not. will take the brunt of the force, protecting my brothers without them knowing. they will never know. defending my youngest brother before my mom can yell at him (her form of communication. she wonders why my brothers and I have a hard time properly communicating with each other. I don't). being his parent for 12 years so he actually has one. so he can experience kindness and compassion. so he actually has someone who understands what he's dealing with with his adhd and doesn't just dismiss him or yell at him because of the way his symptoms present. trying to re-parent myself in the process. being scared of myself whenever I become my parents. trying to rid myself of them. of their anger. of their disappointment. of all of it. will I ever be rid of it? will I ever be just me? how long will their rage consume me? have I already been consumed? when did they corrupt me? I want to be a kid again. was I ever a kid? can one be a kid if they are their own parent? I will always be the parent, the therapist. the one my parents and friends vent to. the one trying to fix everyone else. the one who needs fixing. I want to be fixed. I want to be loved. I don't want to be a parent anymore. I want to be a kid. I will never be a kid.

[poorbrokemess]

Ahhh hell

I was diagnosed with heart failure for the second time last week. Idk.

I don't think I have really sat with that yet... you know *feel your feelings* everyone says that. But I don't really get what they mean.

How do you know what you feel? I don't know what I feel. Lots of things. I feel lots of things. If I go about trying to figure out what I feel, that's called disecting your feelings instead of feeling them 🙄

I know I am scared. I'm so young. 31 sounds very young next to Heart Failure. Last time I was only 24, had just had a baby, and the cause was pregnancy. So it was tied up with a neat little bow with a fragile promise of *it gets better*. That fragile promise, I took as a guarantee. And they were right. It got better, for a while.

I don't think it gets better this time. Last time I wasn't scared. I think I was too young to be scared. This time I am scared. I don't feel invincible anymore. With dad gone now, I have nobody who understands to talk to. Just a bunch of healthy people who, while they try, don't understand. I don't want them to understand. But I feel alone.

I got so sick so fast again. That's why they hooked me up with his nifty lil holter, read me out for a few days. See what the *thump thump* looks like on the regular.

My cardiologist says I need to see a neurologist, get my brain looked at and get a sample of spinal fluid. Check out that nervous system, since it's been so outa wack since this all started.

This last month and a half has been so long. I lost myself for 2 whole weeks. 2 weeks of hell.

I'm tired. And I'm scared.

I guess I know some of my feelings after all 😏

[hellaversity]

Vengeance is Futile (Chapter 5)

"Verosika, there's something deeply upsetting that I have to tell you," Striker warned his favorite succubus and hoped she was prepared to hear the worst from him. "What is it, Striker? Tell me!" Verosika said, getting up from couch and holding his hands. "I......I......" He couldn't bring himself to say, but he had no other choice.

"I've been working for one of the Goetias who hired me to do her drty work. This woman Stella who asked me to kill her husband Stolas for cheating on her, and I agreed to it because she was paying me. I hope you understand and forgive me," Striker explained, heartbroken. Verosika gasped in horror from hearing the news. Stolas? The guy she was trying to comfort and console at her "Fuck Blitzø" party last year?

"You didn't actually kill him, did you?" Verosika asked, just to make sure that Striker wasn't just bluffing to scare her. "I almost did. Twice," he replied. Verosika frowned and pulled her hands away from him. "I can't believe this shit. I thought I trusted you! After everything we've been through together!" She yelled in anger. "Verosika, wait! Let me explain! First off, I had no idea you and Prince Stolas were friends or even knew each other," Striker said.

"Technically, we're not really friends. I just invited him to a party and tried to help him get over Blitzø, but it didn't work. I haven't talked to Stolas since because I feared i'd be a bad influence on him," Verosika told him. "Oh? So you two barely know each other?" Striker said, shocked. "That's right. But I STILL don't approve of what you did to him! How could you?" She sounded like she was about to cry.

Striker felt immense guilt for making her cry and breaking her trust. She really loved him, and this is how he repays her? Now he was starting to feel like Blitzø robbing her and spending her money on horse riding lessons. Only worse. He tried his best to cheer her up one last time. "Verosika, I don't know how to tell you this, but I am so very sorry. It's just-" "I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT!!!" Verosika yelled at him again.

He almost put his hand on her shoulder to make her feel better, but she smacked it away. "Don't touch me! Just leave me alone. Never should've come here. Bye, traitor," Verosika said sadly while walking out the front door and leaving to go back to her apartment in Pride. Striker sighed at his failure, buried his face in his hands and slumped down to floor while leaning against his front door.

"What have I done? I tried to make her fell better, and I just ended up making her feel worse. I ruined it. Now she probably never wants to talk to me or see me again," Striker lamented. Verosika Mayday was the one person who he was willing to fall for and commit to, and he blew his chances. "Just give up, Striker. You're a murderer, not a casanova. You don't do love. Money and revenge is all that matters to you. Or is it?" Striker spoke to himself, wondering what his purpose was, if he even had one at this point.

He went into his bedroom and lied on his bed, still thinking about his favorite succubus. Maybe he shouldn't have told her anything. Maybe he shouldn't have gotten as close to her as he did. Maybe he shouldn't have fallen in love with her. Maybe he should have never even talker to her in the 1st place. Either way, there was no turning back now.

But even though Striker knew he had chance of winning her over again, he still thought of her and the times they spent together. The worst part of all this? They only met each other a few days ago. They haven't even known each other for that long, yet they were too quick to fall in love. Almost like they were both desperate for that kind of affection.

Striker slowly closed his eyes and whispered "I'm sorry Verosika," before falling fast asleep. He knew it was pointless to say it since she already left, but he genuinely feel that way. Now he only had the option to choose between apologizing to Verosika again and giving up his job for her sake, or continuing with his job and never talking to her again. But what if she rejects him a 2nd time? Either way, he'd still be heartbroken.

The next morning.....

Striker woke up with an idea. He decided to call Stella. He went to the telephone in his house and dialed her number. "Who the fuck is calling me and 5:00 in the morning?" Stella whined. "It's Striker. I needed to tell you something important," said the cowboy. "What is it? Have you killed that cheater yet?" She asked him. "Actually, i've decided to give that up," he said, preparing himself for the worst kind of response.

"What do you mean give up? After all the hard work you've done, you're just gonna throw it all away? And for what?" Stella sounded super angry. "For love," Striker said smoothly. "HAHAHAHA!!!!! LOVE?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! YOU THINK A GOETIA LIKE ME WOULD EVER BE INVOLVED IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU, AN IMP?!?! THINK AGAIN, DIRTY PEASANT!!!!!" Stella was finally yelling at the top of her lungs. She usually took only 5 seconss to do that.

"Oh, trust me bitch, it ain't you i'm talking about," he told her. "OH? WHO IS IT THEN?" Asked Stella. "Famous singer, pink succubus," was all Striker needed to clarify who he was talking to. "YOU MEAN VEROSIKA MAYDAY?! WHY HER?! WHAT CPULD SHE POSSIBLY OFFER YOU?!" "Nothing you ever could, Birdbrain," he mocked. "THAT'S IT, YOU'RE FUCKING FIRED!!!" Striker gritted his teeth and snarled. He couldn't take Stella's yelling anymore.

"GOOD! IF YOU WANNA KILL HIM SO MUCH, DO IT YOUR FUCKING SELF! I'M TIRED OF DOING YOUR DIRTY WORK!!! YOU CAN'T FIRE ME, I QUIT!!!!!" Striker shouted as he hung up the phone. Now that that was dealt with, his next step was to write and apology letter and mail it to Verosika. Too bad it was hard to mail anything in the dusty badland shithole that was Wrath. But at least he had the pen and paper to write it down.

"Dear Verosika, I really am deepy sorry for betraying you. I even quit my job as assassin because of the impact you had on me. If you forgive me this time, it'll make me happier than i've ever been. But if you don't, i'll promise to stay out of your life forever and never contact you again." Striker spoke as the wrote the apology letter to Verosika. He folded it up and put it into his bag, then left to mail it. Too bad there were no mailboxes or post offices in Wrath, so he had to take the elevator to Pride.

Several hours later.....

"I'd like to mail this letter to famous popstar Miss Verosika Mayday," Striker told a receptionist working at a post office in Pentagram City. "Ok, we'll make sure it's delivered directly to her, sir," said the receptionist. "You better," said Striker, pointing at her. He walked away to sit on a bench right outside the post office. "If only I didn't stab her in the back," he whispered to himself.

Striker looked up to see a TV on another building advertising the Hazbin Hotel, just a few blocks from where he was sitting right now. The same hotel that Princess Charlie Morningstar herself owned. "Airhead princess don't know what the fuck she's talking about. Doesn't she realize that redemption is pointless? After all, what's the point of it if no one will forgive you anyway?" Striker said to himself.

Then he looked down in shame knowing how much he wanted Verosika to forgive him, which may be the start of Striker's redemption if it works. Maybe Princess Charlie did have a point after all. Meanwhile, at Verosika's studio, which wasn't too far away from the post office, she was thinking about him. The handsome cowboy who lied to and betrayed her the same way Blitzø did all those years ago.

"He really did sound like he was genuinely sorry. I guess meeting me did give him a change of heart after all," Verosika whispered sadly. She was hoping to see Striker one last time if it meant he could apologize to her again and sound like he really meant it. Such a shame how the guy she was willing to commit to couldn't even tell her the truth for so long.

She looked out of the window of her studio overlooking Pentagram City. She could see the Hazbin Hotel off in the distance and remembered that Princess Charlie and her crew of wannabe redeemed sinners were coming to her concert tonight. Maybe they could help Striker out with becoming a better person and making up for what he's done to Stolas. "I sure hope he'll come around and change his ways soon enough," she said. Only a matter of time before he did. But little did she know that he was not too far behind.

Just then, Kiki busted through the door to tell her boss some news. "Verosika, you're not gonna believe this!" She said in a panicky tone, panting. "What do you want, Kiki?" Verosika asked, a little bit tired. Kiki took out a note from her purse, unfolded it and handed it to her boss. Verosika took the note from her to read it. It was a note from Striker, apologizing and telling her that he quite his job of being an assassin. Her eyes were teary, but still filled with joy.

"You ok, boss?" Kiki asked. "I can't believe it! The man I got close to in Wrath is trying to own up to his mistakes! I gotta so see him now!" Verosika said as she stormed out the door and bumped into another one of her employees, Josh. He was confused on whatever his boss was happy about or what she was doing. "Hey Kiki, do you know what's up with her?" He asked. Kiki just shrugged her shoulders and said "Not a clue." Meanwhile, Striker was trying to get past a hellhound bodyguard.

"But I have to go see her. It's important!" Striker said. "Is it, really? And how exactly do you know her?" The hellhound asked. "I met her in Wrath. Now just let me pass, will you?!" Striker told him, getting annoyed. He tried to walk past him, but was pushed back. "Excuse me? what's going on, Vortex?" A familiar feminine voice said. Striker looked behind Vortex to see his favorite succubus and couldn't believe his eyes. "Verosika, is that really you?" He said, just to make sure it was actually her.

Sure enough, it was.

[prophecy-of-black-crow]

My life is a mess.

The future is what worries me the most these days. I was supposed to finish my bachelors degree this year, but I taked academic holidays. This decision left me unsure about myself, my choices and my life in general. What scares me the most is that I see my future as a failure already, mostly because I don’t have a job and I don't see any chance of finding a good and enjoyable work because I don’t have any valuable skills (my not-so-finished degree is also not helpful). And I don’t do anything about my life. I don’t feel passionate about anything. I don’t have good habits, I tend to use my phone too much, I don’t have many consistent hobbies (beside reading books).

I have a friend who is the opposite of me and always reminds me of a different way to live. She is constantly searching for ways to make her life better, some new activities or hobbies she could try. She puts all her efforts into her work and life. One cannot help but admire. And one cannot help but compare oneself. When she learns something new about herself, she looks for ways to use it. I can't even say that I know myself in general, I don’t know my abilities or skills, let alone where I could apply them. I constantly regret the decisions I made. This is probably mostly due to hasty choices. When I have an important choice to make, I put it off until the last minute, and then the decision has to be made quickly, which usually results in me choosing anything and not working on it. She knows what is best for her, and after setting goals and making decisions, she works towards them. She always has a plan and makes choices accordingly. I behave in life like a blind. And if, my dear reader, you are now saying something like “It’s normal to live differently than others because we’re all different,” please shut up. I want to live better. I don’t want to be this person that I regretably am. This pathetic, unconfident, always procrastinating, always unsure about life person. I want a different future than the one I’m creating right now.

So I decided to blog about my journey here, as I will try to understand myself, find my skills and abilities, and try to change my life. Right now, I have no idea in what form or how exactly I’m going to blog, but I will find out in the process. I just hope blogging will help me make progress and track it.

I have great hope to see changes towards a better life so that, looking back, I can be proud of myself and my courage to try again. I really hope that I can create a good and interesting life for myself. I just hope I can change…

So, let the change begin.

[nowayspidey]

⠀ JUDAS | EDDIE BROCK & MALE!READER.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

The last dart almost hit the small hole in the center. You muttered a few curses before heading back to your table at the bar and sipping your cold beer over a big swig while you analyzed what your next shot at the target would look like. You almost choked on surprise when you saw the only failure in your life who had been avoiding you for the past few months. As soon as he saw you, you turned around trying to hide depending on just lowering your gaze but he was already lying down the leather sleeves of his jacket on the table.

- Brock! what a joy to see you. - You said tilting the glass bottle - How did you find me?

- Time to go home (M/r), we have to talk.

You weren't quite drunk so you were aware of the seriousness in Eddie's tone. But you were too proud to play at being the easy person so in the most mature way you refused, taking one last sip of the glass, leaving a bill on the bar, leaving the place.

- Fuck Eddie, stop following me. I can smell your failure from meters away.

You could swear Eddie had whispered a "we're not going to eat him!" But you weren't sure so you kept walking until Brock got ahead of you, stopping your steps.

- Let me explain it and you will understand why I stayed away for a couple of days ...

- MONTHS, BROCK! MONTHS! - You said raising your tone. - We had it all, we could have it all, But you chose to push me out of your apartment and leave my ass dumped.

- That wasn't me I swear!

- Anyway, why don't you go back to your garbage-place and leave me alone? You may be used to failure but I am not.

- Could you stop insulting me and give me a fucking chance to explain things? Then you can drown all your sorrows and miseries in alcohol and I promise i will not stop you (M/r). But let me speak.

For the first time Eddie had left you speechless. You looked sideways looking for his motorcycle until you found it.

- Fine. But I'll drive that beauty.

- Like old times.

After a considered period of time you went back to Eddie's apartment, it was messier than usual, pizza boxes, bags of chocolate on the floor. You sat on the side of the sofa where there was no spring coming out putting a cushion on your lap.

- And well? Speak.

- A lot of things happened these months, but the short story is that a strange alien that turned out to be a symbiote or something like that has merge into my body and now I live with it inside of me. I know it sounds crazy but..---

You started laughing, throwing the cushion on your lap at Eddie's chest. He looked at you with the face of few friends, you got up shrugging your arms.

- That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, now you conspire with aliens to make your career as a reporter valid and popular? Damn it, Eddie.

- I can prove it. -Eddie took a few steps back stretching his arms, you raised both eyebrows waiting for a result but it only ended with Eddie muttering curses. - Mask!

- Hey, if you wanted to impress me, you don't need to make a fool of yourself. You know I'm that kind of person who can reconcile with just one thing ... - you said mischievously approaching taking Eddie's arms and lowering them. - And that's se..

Before you could finish the word, something emerged from Eddie's back, grabbing you by the waist, throwing you out the window overlooking the alley of the building. Your head was about to hit the ground but the tentacle held you again making the fall just a scare resting your body on the ground.

Eddie leaned out the window finding you in a state of shock. You weren't listening to what seemed to be an argument with himself, you still had the keys of his motorcycle, you run towards it escaping as quickly as possible.

- What the hell did you do? You threw him out the window, you idiot alien! Now you want to show your face -Eddie said annoyed when Venom occupied his body.

- Eddie, chase him. I did you a favor.