#you dirty plebs

[verybadatcardgames]

Reshef of Destruction is a fun game because in order to move the story along, Isis gives you just enough news of what you need to find in the world before she proceeds to tell you to fuck off and take care of it while she hangs out in the town square doing whatever while you and your friends play life threatening card games in the Galápagos Islands.

[ckret2]

bouncing off that anon's ask, who would you ship Bill with *outside* of Gravity Falls? Literally any media go ham with it

Invader Zim for exactly one reason: their voices would be sooo annoying together. Imagine it. Imagine the dirty talk. Absolutely atrocious.

This isn't a ship but I think he should hang out with Team Rocket. I mean I guess it could be a ship if you wanna find a way to fit him into the polycule. They've got plenty they can relate to each other on: complicated relationships with parents, being special in your species in a way that makes you a freak/outcast, seeking family via criminal gang, trying to accomplish ONE evil task for like a billion years and somehow no matter how many people you try to manipulate or how clever your cover stories and creative your plans you just canNOT do it...

But mainly I want him to give them terrible advice and horrible help on their criminal ambitions while trying to get them to build him a portal. They waste 50 episodes on 50 different portal-building schemes while Bill gets progressively more irate, and in turn they get equally furious at this annoying talking Ghost-type they can't touch or make go away. Poké balls work on him but he immediately pops back out even madder, which does nothing to help him persuade them that he's not a Pokémon.

Anyway within a month they'd all die for each other. In a very emotional moment when he thinks they're about to be killed and there's nothing he can do about it, he'd tell them they would have made fine Henchmaniacs; and then when they inevitably survive he immediately takes it back.

I think Bill and Unicron would hook up and I think Unicron would make Bill worse. I think he's one of the only beings in existence that could make Bill worse. Bill's got a self-destructive streak a mile wide and Unicron would exacerbate it. They'd break up cordially and then slowly grow to loathe each other more and more in retrospect. Bill would still booty call Unicron when drunk and Unicron would accept.

this isn't necessarily a ship but imagine if bill and getaway teamed up

The Princess in Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer. Bill would promise her a diamond the size of a star and she would build him a portal in less than a week. Bill would compliment her interior decor sensibilities and she might actually compliment his appearance because he's very bright, and that would be enough for them to decide they're besties. They'd get champagne, trash talk their enemies, and bully the plebs like a couple of high school mean girls. They'd make out while completely wasted and deny it when they're sober. Each of them privately thinks the other one is their pet.

Grendel from Grendel. Bill would initially hook up with him expecting him to be the monster equivalent of a party frat boy and then they'd talk philosophy in a dark cave for 18 hours straight and mutually feel like they're not alone for the first time they can remember. They'd make each other worse and then fix each other and then Grendel would die in battle and Bill would get worse again.

I think he could have something with Frankenstein's monster, too—original novel version, not movie version. Similar reasons to Grendel: strong sense of alienation from parents and of isolation from everyone else in the world; feeling of having been created as something totally singular, feeling of having a perspective no one else shares; self-identification as the monster in the narrative of their own life... Plus with the monster Bill's also got "life inevitably culminates in killing my own dad." Bill met him because he was actually trying to get Frank to build him a portal—he's like the first scientist trying to do major projects using electricity—but then ended up more fascinated by the science project than the scientist.

[redhoodinternaldialectical]

I am convinced that Jason would LOVE doing drag. It's a theatrical art form that welcomes melodrama and costume design, like this shit is right up his alley! I also feel like he'd be someone who would enjoy playing around with his gender performance, like as @vigilantecore and @cleromancy have pointed out in this post he already does seem to play around with it!

As such I think it's fucking criminal that we have so few designs for him dressing fem that aren't just one-off, no connection to his character maid dresses or bunny suits. Like, c'mon, do not let Tim have all the dresses here just cause he's small and twinkish! Let the big muscle man have fun!! So here's a few of mine to help remedy this tragic deficit:

Cerulean Orbs

Minimal makeup, dark colors, and small jewelry everywhere but her EYES

Very elegant and formal and charming and oh-so tragic figure who is also very off-putting and clearly does not have all her screws tightened ("Somebody go get that girl brown contacts immediately, I am begging!")

Is a vampire, hence the aforementioned characteristics and the big fan she keeps to hide her fangs behind

Uses slight of hand tricks to do things like cry red glass rhinestones (claims they're ruby/bloody tears)

Will sometimes pick someone out of the audience to claim is her reincarnated lost love who she must avenge/protect/lure back into her arms

Smoking Gunn:

Voted "Most Menacing Cowgirl" three shows in a row - always happy to play the heel for another Queen

Carries a (fake plastic) sawed off shotgun, usually on a belt so that it hangs between her legs

She's on a quest for revenge against the man who "cut her gun tragically short"

Hair is wild and frazzled and covered in ash as though she has just blown herself up with cartoon dynamite.

Wears a bright red ribbon around her neck with the bow situated directly over the batarang scar

Of course no matter what design you go with I think it is utterly critical that his drag persona has wildly elaborate and melodramatic beef with Brucie Wayne.

He drunkenly pushed her off the Eifel Tower, he left her sister at the altar, he insulted her purse dog's honor, he sniped her bid on ebay for a super rare beanie baby at the last possible second - every time someone asks Jason just makes a new story up on the spot, often echoing real grievances both on purpose and on accident. The stories are always too wacky to be real of course, but also his anger is often too genuine for anyone to be entirely sure he's joking...

Have a fun little snippet from the terminally unfinished fanfic I made the Cerulean Orbs persona for (context is that Jason is there investigating a Riddler plot, unbenounced to any of the other bats except Tim. There were two possible locations to watch and so people split up)

The night so far has honestly been shockingly fun, even with his paranoia going full blast, looking behind curtains, around corners, searching, searching, searching, aaaaand there's another circle forming in the crowd. Shit. This one has formed around someone at the door and been moving inwards picking up participants. Jason pushes his way to the interior, making a few 'pardon mes' along the way and gaining a line of dirty looks. Then he finally reaches the end of the press of bodies and comes face to face with Bruce. Fucking. Wayne. And Jason promptly shoves his foot in his mouth, face pulled into disgust, half turning into his fan on instinct, "Oh god it's you." The crowd GASPS and Jason sees the most wonderful thing happen: Bruce looks confused. Not the false confusion he pulls when he needs to play stupid, but the real deal! That tiny tick of frustration in the corners of his eyes says that he truly, genuinely has no fucking clue who this is or why they don't like him. Bruce pulls out his best 'placating the plebs' voice, "I- I'm sorry Madam, have we met??" Jason decides the gods have smiled upon him this day as he pulls out of his stunned silence, flips his hair back and says, "Well! I'm glad ONE of us could forget!" And marches off, leaving a bewildered and half panicked Bruce behind to fend off the media questions about THAT little bombshell. Tim chirps in his ear to warn him that he just ran into Nightwing and they've got the attack covered. He can sit back and relax for the evening. Over the course of the night no less than fifteen groups of people come up to him asking him to spill the details and he gives every single one of them a new, more ridiculously embarrassing story than the last. He stole her favorite dress and drunkenly fell into the river. He took them out to get 'fucked up' and brought out a single baggy of oregano and acted like it was getting him high. He mistook her for six different women over the course of a single two hour dinner date. He did seven lines of cocaine, forgot she existed, and tried to fight god with a bottle opener. Everyone in that place has to know he's lying through his teeth, but it's just too fun a story to turn down. In fact... each of them starts spreading their own version of the rumors, embellishing as they go, and delighting in the PR hurricane they're creating around this poor man. Tim reconvenes the next day to ask Jason about what went down, and if he’s okay and what not. In the middle of Jason’s lively recounting, Tim receives a text from Dick asking for confirmation that his suspicions are correct and that Cerulean Orbs was Jason and mentioning that he’s having laughing conniption fits over the fact that Bruce can’t even begin to figure it out. There is a video of Bruce losing his mind about it attached.

Anyways, I really like the idea of Jason doing drag and I hope this catches other people's fancy too!

[jadedbirch]

The Three Musketeers (2023) - Part 1: d'Artagnan

Directed: Martin Bourboulon

Starring: Vincent Cassel, Eva Green, François Civil 

First of all, you do not know the struggle we had to go through to even get our eyeballs on this movie! Only die hard Dumas idiots like me would have even bothered 🤦🏻‍♀️. Finally, we had to buy it from AppleTV. Anywho, below is my live blog of the latest French nonsense! I make a point of tutoring myself watching as many 3 Musketeers adaptations as possible, regardless of the psychological damage, and I kind of have high hopes for this one despite the fact that I can already tell they cast more for 20 Years After than for The 3 Musketeers. But I'm willing to pretend there are no good, young actors in France (because there's no other way to explain these casting choices) for the sake of my own sanity. The rest of my babbling and movie spoilers will be below the cut!

I see we start the movie in 1627, which already makes me laugh 🤣. The book famously starts in 1625 and then they time skip a year and a half into the future because I guess Dumas remembered that the war starts in 1627. Alex was the king of inexplicable time skips and I see the movie has chosen to stick to history rather than literary canon 👌🏻.

Everything is cold, dark, and wet. I have no idea what's going on, or who this blond woman is, or why d'Artagnan is coming back from the dead. But I'm always in favor of immortal abominations 😈.

It does entertain me that Eric Ruf, who played Aramis in an earlier French adaptation, plays Richelieu in this one. Nice touch.

LOL d'Artagnan gate crashing the musketeer headquarters all "I'm not Soviet, the French do not stand in line!" Anyways, he's authentically obnoxious, which I like, although clearly also 20 years too old.

I feel like this is an AU that takes place before they invented soap and also dyes, which is hilarious because if they're going for historical accuracy, this is just what the plebs think looks "authentic". Why are these men all so dirty and old? At least they make fun of Athos being a thousand years old in the movie, but why is Jussac also so ancient? And still serving in the guards? Life expectancy back then was like 25, but surely no one would be serving in the army past the age of 50, which was like Ancient for the 1600s, even among nobility.

I must laugh at the fact that Athos straight up introduces himself to d'Artagnan as Athos de Sillegue, le comte de La Fère. So, I see we are just going to go there 🤭🤭🤭. This changes his story arc completely though, stay tuned for my whinging. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Absolutely incredible, legendary , A++, 11000/10: bisexual Porthos waking up in bed with a lady and a dude after a night of debauchery! Chef's fucking kiss! I forgive the fact that there are no young people in France.

Aramis, so far is very Murder Kitten. I do wish he'd wash his face more and do something about his guyliner (I feel like he should have just committed to MORE MAKEUP frankly because the guyliner alone is odd), but c'est la vie, I guess.

Plus one point for Athos getting wrongly arrested, minus twenty points for making Athos a Protestant WTF? And in what world would a nobleman of Athos' lineage get sentenced to death for stabbing an unknown woman? This is all so silly! (I do have to give Milady points for just like fucking with him so fantastically. Plus one revenge point to Milady.)

Aramis torturing a guy to save Athos is honestly 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻 11/10 Murder Kitten, automatic plus one point.

This is all incredibly Dramatique, as much as it strains credulity. I love it when modern directors decide that they can write better "action" than Dumas himself. I'm just sitting here screaming "Why would you have that conversation where anyone can hear you!" Minus one point.

I must say Constance and d'Artagnan have a much more believable romance here than in the book. Plus 5 non-creeper points.

(Please I can't stop looking at how old all these Musketeers are 😅😅😅)

Okay so they've also given Athos a BROTHER. Who is part of a Protestant conspiracy. This is all so fucking crazy, I don't even know what to say. Am I watching the musketeers or La Reine Margot? 🤔

Incidentally, the King also gets a brother! Everyone gets a brother! J/K at least the King really did have a historical brother. Athos just gets fucked with in this movie a lot. Automatic minus one point for unnecessary siblings.

WHY must you all insist on having these super SECRET conversations in the middle of a public square where literally anyone can hear you? Minus one dumbass point.

And now d'Artagnan must go to England.... Alone? Because it's more heroic this way? Ambushed by ghost squirrels in the woods? Oh no, that's just Athos, lurking in the woods, as one does. "All misery comes from love." Thanks, Old Man Lush.

This revisionist tale of Milady's past is all very convenient but I FUCKING HATE IT every single time they try to do this in modern adaptations. Let Milady Be Evil 2023! But I see that you will not. Listen, it's not "feminist" to turn the villain into the victim. I'm so tired. 🤦🏻‍♀️ These misguided attempts at feminism really do not do her any favors, she has a lot more agency as simply the Really Bad Girl who just wanted money and power. Minus 5 points for not letting Milady have any fun and minus another 10 points for giving her an abusive ex-husband!

As for Athos, IMO it's always much more compelling to let him be the guy who tried to kill his beloved wife for betraying him, than to make him the spineless man who turns her over to the authorities for Handwavium. Yes, it's pretty fucked up. But it's much more humanizing and makes him a darker, more interesting character. And I will always maintain that.

(This movie is so fucking dark, all the scenes take place at night or in some cthonic tunnels or prisons ffs have mercy on my eyes!)

Oh dear, here we go again. Milady taking a Dramatique - and completely unnecessary - dive off a cliff. Only this time, we know she doesn't die because.... She can swim? And definitely will not have all her bones broken by that 1000 ft fall. Minus 20 points for lazy writing.

(My God, everyone is so dirty, you would think they never did their laundry in France 🤦🏻‍♀️)

Ironically, the only well lit scene takes place in what looks like the Notre Dame which is just very silly as that place is a sepulcher.

(Once again, we are advancing the plot by having super secret conversations conducted in the middle of the palace with an open door where anyone can see and hear you plotting 🤦🏻‍♀️ Minus one petty point.)

Okay, so poor Constance has been kidnapped, and our young hero (who is already a Lieutenant because he and his pals conveniently saved the King's life in a plot twist that was very necessary in other to return Athos to favor in this version) lies unconscious in the streets. They probably didn't even try to kill him this time because they know he's immortal. And speaking of people who just won't die, in a mid-credits scene, it is confirmed that Milady is indeed, very much Not Dead Yet. Surprise! The scene is now set for war in The Three Musketeers: Part 2: Milady.

In summary:

I tallied up my totally random points and ended up with a score of -51, which is Not Good, my friends.

Okay, so I've seen much worse? It's better than Atrocity in 3D, for example, which was just barely watchable as a film and as an adaptation. But they changed so much about the plot and some of the main characters, that it doesn't really feel true to the spirit of the book at this point, which is my main criteria for measuring whether an adaptation is successful. And the main reasons for that are because it's much darker and grittier and less fun than the novel. Which - Quelle domage!

I know that as an unrepentant Athos fangirl, I tend to be biased, so I was trying to be on guard (heheh get it?) for my own biases while watching this. But it's really difficult when Ya Boy is such an integral part of the novel as well as this particular adaptation. And so I must regrettably come back to what a shame it is that they've cast a 60 year old Athos (Vincent Cassel is 57 and he's a fabulous actor whom I've loved in many of his worlks), and I feel like they had to rewrite his character to be more age appropriate and less of the drunken asshole he is in Dumas' first d'Artagnan book. But that's the asshole I fell in love with, and will stan forever. Without him going around beating his servant, indulging his gambling addiction, and being a sarcastic pain in everyone's ass, it's just a completely different story.

Pros:

Hot Eva Green!

bisexual Porthos!

d'Artagnan is given a much less creepy love story with Constance (and I assume he will also not be nonconning Milady in this adaptation)

The King and Queen are much more humanized and sympathetic here.

Cons:

Visually really drab, everything is brown, everyone is dirty.

Very little humor unlike in the novel and some other adaptations.

EVERYONE IS WAY TOO OLD, which changes the feeling of the story significantly, and IMO for the worse, because these people are just not allowed to have fun, and subsequently, neither is the audience.

I will still absolutely be here for Part 2 because I am a masochist!

Grade: B- as a piece of art, but a C as an adaptation of the Dumas classic.

[lowlights]

Since my fyp is full of Pedro's starbies order, can you pls fill it with the orders of his characters? Also, why does Ezra get something piled with cream and caramel?

Thank you, get well soon angel!

Literally, nothing would make me happier. Let's dive in.

Din - If Din could walk into a Starbies, he would get an Americano with a splash of heavy cream. More indulgent time-wise than a simple little coffee, but still quite utilitarian.

Joel- Joel would love a cold brew, I think. Just straight up, nothing added. He would roll his eyes at the people in front of him with a complicated order.

Dieter- Speaking of complicated orders. Dieter would be the one most likely to try whatever drink is the latest "hack" on tiktok. He doesn't care how stupid it sounds to order it, bc he always makes an assistant do it. If he's doing his own ordering, I think he gets Pedro's drink.

Javi G- Javi G loves a seasonal drink. In the winters he is going for a chestnut praline latte, and in the summers he likes an iced macchiato. He does not like pumpkin spice lattes.

Marcus M- Marcus wants an iced dirty chai no matter what time of year it is. In a very reasonable size, though. Never a venti.

Max Lord- Max is the cappuccino sort- fancy, to the point- but he does bring you all the white mochas you want. This is a take that was for @coastielaceispunk and it is now my canon.

Frankie- I think Frankie would get a sweet cream cold brew. It's straight forward enough to order but would feel like a little treat. The guys might give him shit for it, but he doesn't care. His daughter always gets a steamed vanilla oatmilk.

Dave York- I think Carol would turn Dave onto the Strawberry Acai Refreshers and he would never look back. He gets them made with water, though, not lemonade. Too sweet.

Ezra - Caramel frappuccinos all the way. Extra toppings. He always moans sinfully when he gets one, no shame.

Jack- Our cowboy is going to order an Irish Cream Cold Brew and then drop a little bit of whiskey into the cup while he winks at you. Truth be told, he likes any good, strong coffee.

Javi P- "Whatever is brewing behind you that's strongest." He is not fussy in the slightest.

Pero- Pero thinks the menu is stupid and too big. He likes ordering the pastries while you pick out the drinks. You have found that he likes plain lattes, matcha tea lattes, and hot chocolate. He won't admit to the last one.

Max P- Max is getting a pink drink, all the way. It's ridiculous and he doesn't care. Let the office plebs drink shitty, breakroom coffee. Max is living his best (un)life.

Marcus P- I get big-time London Fog vibes from Marcus. Very cozy, very warm. Marcus has morning vibes, I don't know any other way to put it.

Oberyn- Our sweet Prince is getting a Golden Turmeric Latte. Oat milk, perfectly light espresso, and a mix of warming spices sweetened with honey. It's sunshine in a cup.

Zach- I really love the idea of a Flat White for Zach. It's special and comforting without being fussy or sweet, which I think is what he would like. He deserves whatever he wants, though.

[fairymint]

📖 What are we teaching our children? That they can just capture God in a tiny little ball? My word!

"Clearly, making friends is blasphemy. Only by praying and being a good little girl i mean boy and dying, can you meet god after having your dirty little soul melted through a cheese grater, painfully.

And if you can't see that god is up there and separate from us dirty plebs you're wrong. nevermind that i said he is in all of us everywhere and perfect, you need to follow the scripture instead of real life, real life is demons.

just shut up and eat your cornflakes until you grow into a barefoot and pregnant accountant who can take normal people holidays off. Fragment of god! impossible, god would never love you enough to hang out with you. Now smile at everyone you know, because god loves you!"

....He's not really amused. Or is he? The sarcasm is thick with this one... "What are you, five years old?"

"What is up, mine fellows??" Oh look, Arceus itself.

[theantonian]

Was Mark Antony Sacrificed for Julius Caesar’s Glory?

I deeply believe that Mark Antony did not do anything without Caesar's knowledge when he was left in charge of Rome. What is most likely is that Antony did everything by Caesar’s direct orders. You cannot slaughter so many people and still remain popular and to continue represent yourself as a popularist. So, Caesar needed someone to sacrifice himself. Who could that be? Of course, Mark Antony, who else? His loyalty to Caesar was legendary, do anyone really believe that he would do anything without “advising” with the great Caesar? Caesar played the game and he won the game. Antony was not a candidate for the heir, not before not ever. Did Antony know his place in Caesar's general agenda?

Antony bought Pompey’s house, which was up for sale. But he did not have the money to pay for it. Caesar and Antony fought over the payment. According to Plutarch, Antony himself makes out that the reason why he did not take part in Caesar's African campaign was that he felt aggrieved at not having been rewarded in any way for his earlier successes. After serving him so faithfully, when Caesar returned to Rome, he punished Antony by removing him from all offices and rewarding his enemy Dolabella, who was the source of causing violent riots.

At any rate, Caesar soon realized that he would not get another man as loyal as Antony so after his return from North Africa, he singled out Antony for special honours and chose him as his colleague in consulship.

What exactly had the Dictator promised Antony in exchange for the city’s plebs suddenly supporting him as potential King of Rome at the Lupercalia festival?

Antony’s loyalty was the reason the conspirators wanted to assassinate him alongside Caesar. However, he survived the assassination and was the one who actually saved Octavian’s head by bearing the blunt of the anti-Caesareans, his master performance after Caesar's death in front of people of Rome. He was the one forced Brutus and Cassius to leave Rome. When Caesar’s so called son Octavian pretended to be sick and hid in the marshes of Philippi to avoid capture, it was Antony who defeated his murderers and avenged him.

Octavian was perhaps the first of politicians we still in power today. His mouth full of promises and the knife hidden behind his back.

Antony was Caesar’s servant and soldier, too dirty and too old for being the heir. Octavian was Caesar’s closest male relation, a rich patrician and thus a perfect choice according to Caesar.

Antony was a better man, but he was not ambitious, cold-blooded and cruel enough. He was a soldier above all, after 25 years in blood and sex it was not easy to play the saint. The old Rome died with him and path to the “emperor's throne” was open.

[consult-sherlockholmes]

Dude stop having such a stick up your ass! You know very well what dick means, how people are using it, and why they are asking you about it. 🙄 Jesus even you have used the word cock before and not referring to a rooster either. Calling your dick a phallus and pretending you have no idea what anything to do with sex means and acting so fucking prissy just makes you look ignorant and naive. Which for the "smartest person on the planet" is a bad look. No wonder you're getting stupid cases brought to you, everyone thinks you're an idiot. Just because you supposedly don't or never had sex doesn't mean you have no knowledge of it and erased it from you mind palace. It could still be useful to know for motives, and even more so if you actually knew why people would do crazy things because of it. Get some first hand experience, it'll do you good. And don't come at me with your 'dirty animalistic rutting etc etc' excuses either. 🙄

How tastelessly expressed, and you really thought I wouldn't be able to deduce who you are? So cowardly trying to hide behind anonymity because you wouldn't dare to say such things directly to me? However it is quite obvious to me, but maybe you believed you were far away in a safe distance to not be deduced by me. Or maybe you are not being smart enough to realise your mistakes. So quite an useless endeavour trying to hide from me, because I know.

You tried varying your writing style a bit, however the most significant characteristics are still there and recognisable to be yours, easy to identify. At least for me, quite obvious. The punctuation and emoticons are a dead giveaway.

And now to the content of your brain-dead ask: perhaps you should learn that not everyone is as obsessed with copulation as you are. Some people don't care about it and therefore don't need to know anything about it because it wouldn't significantly enrich their lives. So it is useless knowledge and can be deleted. I am above such things, everything else is just transport, I am only interested in stimulating the mind and not in such low urges. Did it ever cross your mind that maybe that's why I am the smartest person on this planet, because my brain is not clouded by those urges? While most of humans use all their brain capacity to focus on achieving their next copulation, I can focus my full capacity on more important things like cases and scientific mysteries.

I don't need to know about it personally, because I can see that it turns people into even bigger idiots than they already are, so why should I then partake in that, to diminish my intelligence to become as stupid as all those sex-obsessed primates? Motives of sexual nature are also quite clear to me without having to partake in any such activities, I also never brutally murdered someone out of jealousy but can still deduce the motive. But for you such talents might seem impossible, to be able to consider other people's perspectives. Neither did I ever say that I do not possess any knowledge of it, I do know the biological processes, but unlike you people I do not use every minute of my day to talk about it.

Oh and excuse me that I use educated medical terms to refer to anatomy instead of talking like a pleb like you. How dare I? But if you are so bothered with my use of words describing my own anatomy, how shall I call it? Dick? Cock? Did this satisfy your perversions?

Telling people to partake in copulation to 'get some first hand experience' is quite ignorant and disgusting, especially if they do not desire such things. Pressuring people into such things, absolutely disgraceful. Maybe it would do you good to get some first hand experience of thinking with your brain instead of your nether regions? But it is quite telling that your definition of idiot is someone who does not desire sex and thus ignores it, seems that for you knowledge of sexual nature must be the most important thing then.

Why don't you just get it over with and call me a prude directly, like Anderson or Donovan did? Because I know that's what you think.

Maybe educate yourself next time and do something useful instead of harassing people about their sexual perferences or lack thereof.

[slumberingcorpse]

Monster

Simon “Ghost” Riley x John “Soap” McTavish

Summary: Soap gets jealous of a dog.

Warnings: Tooth-rotting fluff with a tiny bit of angst for taste

A/N: My first attempt at writing COD fanfic. I hope I don’t sound too much like a pleb. Enjoy.

Soap couldn’t ask for anything more. Graves and Hassan were buried six feet under probably comparing war crimes in hell. Alejandro and Rudy got their base back and were hard at work rebuilding it. His greatest achievement, however, was convincing 141 one and only Ghost to go out with him.

Sure he was drunk as hell when he asked him out. He was too terrified of the man to try to do it sober. If anything, Ghost saying yes sobered him up in an instant.

It has been eight months since then. Soap wishes he could say that their relationship was perfect from the beginning, but that would be a lie. It took a lot of work for both of them with all the baggage they carried. It was all worth it in the end though. It was shocking how perfect Ghost was as a boyfriend, especially in bed. Soap was more than surprised to find how much Simon liked to cuddle.

He should’ve known it wouldn’t last. Everything was just too perfect and now the universe had to ruin it.

Standing on the landing dock, Soap impatiently waits for the helicopter to land. Ghost has been gone for two weeks on a mission with Gaz trying to find any information on Markarov. Two weeks since the last time Ghost held him at night. He couldn’t help but get antsy.

Once the blades stop spinning, Gaz stepped out. Spotting Soap he stretches and walks over.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the welcoming party? Did you miss me?” Gaz teases walking over with a shit-eating grin.

“Almost as much as a rash,” Soap rolls his eyes before turning back towards the helicopter, “Where’s Ghost?”

It was Gaz’s turn to roll his eyes, “Relax, I didn’t get your boyfriend killed. He’s just making sure the little lady is comfortable.”

“Who?” Soap asks cocking up his eyebrow confused. Gaz only chuckled and patted his shoulder, “You’ll soon find out.”

Soon enough, Ghost jumps out of the helicopter holding tightly a small bundle close to his chest. In a millisecond hundred of things fired off in Soap’s mind.

What the hell is Ghost holding?

Is it a kid?

No, it’s too early to even bring up having a kid!

Does Ghost even want kids? They never got around to talking about it. How would it even work? Soap wasn’t planning on retiring anytime soon, but then again, if Ghost wanted to...maybe retiring early wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

“Johnny? Are you alright?” Ghost asks quickly snapping Soap out of thoughts.

“Yeah! Of course! How was the mission? What’s in the bundle?” He asks quickly.

Ghost shoots him a concerned glance before shrugging, “We didn’t find anything too useful, except for Riley.”

“Riley?”

Ghost nods and uncovers the bundle in his arms revealing nothing other than a shabby German shepherd pup curled up against his chest, “She kept following me around on the mission. I fed her some of my MREs and she stayed by my side ever since. Smart girl too, the bastards tried to seek up on us but she sniffed them out and warned us. She might not look like much now but after a bath, a trip to the base’s vet, and a couple of months in training I’m sure she’ll be a great military dog.”

“Wait, you’re planning on keeping it?” Soap asks looking down at the dirty dog in his boyfriend’s arm.

Ghost’s eyes darken under the mask as he tightens his grip around the pup, “Problem?”

“N-no. It’s just you know how Price gets with surprises. Does he know about our...newest member?” Soap lies forcing himself to smile.

Simon relaxes and nods, “I already told him once we completed the mission. He told me as long as I take care of all of her needs, she can stay.”

“Oh well, that’s good to hear. Well then, should we go inside? I managed to find a copy of that shitty movie I told you about before you left, we could-”

“Not today, Johnny, first I have to get Riley clean, go buy some dog supplies too. MREs are hardly edible for us, can’t imagine them being edible for a pup. We can watch it another time,” Ghost interrupts only to quickly leave with Riley.

Soap couldn’t believe it. A dog. Out of anything he could’ve brought back, he brought a bloody mutt. Suddenly, the half-a-dog joke Ghost made back at Las Almas echoed in his head. Never in his life could he guess that Ghost would end up as a dog person.

Soap always had a dislike for the mutts. Always covered in mud and slobber, barking non-stop in the middle of the night. Not to mention the number of times he had to run for his life to escape the creature’s jaws from ripping into his neck on the battlefield. Now he doesn’t even have a base to protect him from the little terrors.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To say that Ghost was happy, was an understatement, he was fucking ecstatic. Is every waking moment was spent with Riley. From walks, feeding her, taking her to vet appointments, and some basic training, Ghost has never been happier.

“Riley, sit! Stay!” Ghost orders holding up a silent hand signal, grinning under his mask as the pup followed his orders perfectly.

“Atta girl,” he praises tossing her a treat before giving her another order.

“You know, if I have known that getting Ghost a dog would stop him from being a gloomy bastard all the time. I would’ve gotten him a dog years ago.” Price chuckles into his coffee mug as he watches Ghost’s training.

“Yeah, it’s a fucking miracle,” Soap grumbles sarcastically staring down at the dark sludge filling his own mug.

Price cocks his eyebrow in interest, “Trouble in paradise sergeant?”

“If you consider my boyfriend’s obsession with that mangy mutt trouble, then yes,” Soap vents glaring over at Riley as she gives Ghost her paw only to glare over at Price when he hears him start to laugh.

“Oh, Christ, you’re serious!? You’ve got to be taking the piss!” Price snickers unable to stifle his laughter.

“I am. I don’t know what Ghost sees in that...monster.”

“Johnny, you can’t possibly be jealous of a puppy.”

“What!? No! It’s not like that!” Soap argues feeling his cheeks start to warm.

“It sure sounds like you are. Ghost doesn’t give all his attention to you for a few days and now you’re throwing a fit, is that it?”

Soap huffs and stomps his feet like a child, “I’m not throwing a fit!”

“Johnny? Is everything okay?” Ghost asks causing Soap to tense up. He almost forgot how silent Ghost’s footsteps could be. Usually, when Ghost appears out of nowhere would end up in a surprise hug or kiss on the cheek but today it was different. Price had a cocky smirk on his face and that damned mutt was sweetly nestled in Ghost’s arms. It made his blood boil.

“Everything is perfect!” he shouts throwing his arms up in the air before turning his heel. Shooting another glare at Riley, he continues, “And stop popping up behind everyone like that! It’s annoying and creepy as hell!” he complains before storming off to his room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next few days, Soap’s mood only worsened. It seemed like Ghost’s puppy obsession has spread over to Gaz who would not stop taking pictures of Riley in her small tactical jacket.

“I’m going to die! She’s so cute!” Gaz squeals as the pup happily wags her tail, adoring the attention. Ghost leans down and pets her head proudly, “In a few months Riley will be able to take down armies. Makarov and Shepherd won’t know what hit them.”

Soap couldn’t help but scoff, “Oh yeah, I’m sure a dog would do lots, up until it gets shot or blown up.”

Both soldiers turn their attention toward Soap. Gaz was fuming at his comment while Ghost just looked surprised that he said it.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you even say that?” Gaz finally shouts.

“What? Just saying. After all, what has two legs and bleeds? Eh, L.T.?” Soap brings up looking at Ghost for an answer.

Regret quickly fills his chest seeing Ghost’s silent stare. To anyone else, it would seem angry but Soap knew better. His stare showed nothing but fear and sadness.

Before he could open his mouth to apologize, Ghost was already gone followed quickly by the all-so-loyal, Riley while Gaz walks up to him.

“I don’t know what’s happening between you two but that was a dick move.” Gaz chastised crossing his arms over his chest.

Soap sighs and frowns, “I know...I know...I’m just...I’m jealous of the damn dog...”

“Seriously? That’s the problem?” Gaz scoffs.

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up.” Soap sighs turning away in embarrassment.

“Oh no, I’m not laughing. I’m disappointed. During the whole mission, Ghost kept going on about being excited to show you, Riley. Ghost never talks. Not to me he doesn’t and yet he went on and on about you and Riley. And yet here you are being a selfish twat. Instead of talking to Ghost like a real man, you told him that his dog is going to die. I hope you’re proud,” Gaz huffs before walking away.

“Fuck,” Soap curses as he gets up. He messed up big time. Gaz was right. He didn’t even consider Ghost’s feelings. The thought of talking to him didn’t even cross his mind and now he made a whole mess of things.

Thinking over a way to apologize, Soap makes his way to Ghost’s room. He hesitates for a moment before knocking on the door, “Ghost? Can we talk?”

There was silence for a few seconds followed by shuffling and a click coming from the other side, “Door’s open. Come in.” Ghost calls out.

Taking a deep breath, Soap walks in. It hasn’t been a while since he was in Ghost’s room and yet so much has changed. Dog toys were scattered about, and a large dog bed was placed next to the right side of the bed with Riley peacefully sleeping, and then there were the dog bowls next to the bathroom door. In the center of the room was Ghost, no Simon, sitting silently on his bed avoiding Soap’s eyes.

He still had his gear on but his mask of off showing his grease-covered face. Even after so many months, it was a rarity to see Ghost’s face. Only in the most intimate situations did he decide to take it off and even then, Ghost still had trouble trusting Soap with touching his face. Johnny didn’t mind though, just staring at his gorgeous scared face was enough to make his heart flutter.

Maybe in a better situation, he would jump into his arms and start to kiss those full lips passionately, but for now, he had to focus.

“I umm...we have to talk...” Soap mutters anxiously unsure how to explain himself without sounding like a complete dolt.

“What was it?” Simon suddenly asks. His voice was deep and cold but his hands were trembling.

“W-what?” Soap asks confused glancing down at his boyfriend’s hands. He’s never seen Simon so stressed before. Even on missions, this couldn’t just be because of his stupid comment, could it?

Simon lets out a shaky breath and looks down at his feet, “What did I do for you to finally see me as a monster?” he asks. This time his voice was weak no higher than a whisper but it was loud enough for Soap’s heart to break.

“Simon, you aren’t making sense. What are you talking about?” Soap questions became more confused and worried as the conversation went on.

“I’m talking about you!” Simon snaps looking up at Soap with tearful eyes, “Ever since I came back from the mission you’ve been so distant. Every time I try to talk to you, you’re in a worse mood than before and every time you look at me all I can see is hate and disgust in your eyes...so what did I do, Johnny? P-please tell me,” he begs, dropping his head into his shaky hands.

Suddenly, all the pieces fell into place, and Soap never felt so stupid, “Christ...” he sighs causing Simon to tense.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. I was...I am jealous of the fucking dog.” Soap confesses. He didn't care how stupid he sounded. It was stupid.

Simon stays silent for a few moments before slowly looking back up at Soap with an unreadable look, “Excuse me?”

“Riley,” Soap sighs turning away in shame, “You’ve been spending so much time with her, so I got jealous...I wasn’t glaring at you...I was glaring at her for getting all of your attention.”

Simon’s eyes widen as he processes what he heard before pulling Soap down into a passionate kiss. Johnny yelps in surprise but quickly makes himself comfortable on Simon’s lap as he kisses back.

“Johnny, you’re going to be the death of me. This whole bloody week I thought you were going to leave me only to find out you’re jealous of my dog? I would be angry if it wssn’t so-”

“Stupid?”

“Hilarious,” Simon chuckles before diving in for another heated kiss only pulling away to breathe.

“Well? What now?” John pants glancing over to the sleeping pup.

“I’m not going to give away my dog, McTavish,” Simon chuckles holding onto his waist.

John pouts, “I don’t like sharing.” he whines peppering Simon’s shoulder with light kisses.

“You’ll have to get used to it. She’s staying.” Simon retorts kissing his boyfriend’s temple.

“Couldn’t you have gotten a different kind of pet? Like a fish or a cat? Maybe a snake instead?”

Another chuckle rumbles through Simon’s chest, “Not a dog person, Johnny?”

“Despise the mutts. Back home there was always this bulldog that would bark at me on my way to school. One day it dug under the gate and attacked me. Nearly tore my face off.” Soap confides kissing up his neck.

“Yeah well, the only faces that Riley will rip apart are those who try to hurt you. I’ll make sure of that,” Simon reassures running his hands under Soap’s shirt and enjoying the heat redating off of his body.

“As if I need two guard dogs,” Soap scoffs in response leaning down to give Ghost another tender kiss.

“Oh? Who’s the other dog?” Simon hums into the kiss.

“Isn’t it obvious? It’s you L.T.”

[clericofshadows]

I've been thinking about learning how to use the Private Message Terminal LE1 mod for my own personal use by adding messages from Zaeed to Regis after various missions... I've written a few for fun so far :)

Post Spectre Annoucement:

Regis,

So, you're now a goddamn Spectre, huh. Does it give you any sweet perks you're willing to abuse? I heard they have their own line of Widows that's a step above the stuff us plebs have to... obtain through various methods, if you catch my drift.

Good luck out there. Hope you and Kaidan are doing well out in the black. Hey... with that Spectre status... you aren't technically just Alliance, so they won't be able to do a goddamn thing about it if you decide to go public.

Tell him I said hi.

-ZM

Post Feros:

What the bloody hell...

Back on Omega you were telling me all about your stint as an instructor, and now you're dealing with fucking ancient alien beings and mind control thralls... next time you're on the Citadel I'll wire you some credits so you can buy yourselves a goddamn drink. Fucking hell.

Kaidan was telling me all about the damn Thorian. Think he was about to have as dirty of a mouth as you when talking about exterminating that thing. I guess his limit is horrors beyond our comprehension.

I definitely don't get paid enough for that shit.

-ZM

Post Noveria:

Again?

Really, Regis? You just got done telling me about a fucking thorian, and now you've brought the rachni back to the galaxy?

Hope you know what you're doing, but you have a bleeding heart underneath that asshole exterior.

Don't mean I won't be swearing your name if you've doomed us all.

I'm joking. Mostly. Fucking rachni. What kind of circus are you running up there?

I want to be there for the next run.

-Zaeed

Post Virmire:

Idiot.

Yes, you're a fucking idiot. A goddamn, self-sacrificing, son of a bitch. But it's just like you to give a middle finger to a no-win scenario. I'll need to meet that Williams one day. She must be a good one if you were that determined to nearly get yourself killed to save both her and your boyfriend.

I hope the brass isn't giving you hell for what you did. Kaidan was telling me about what was lost. Stay safe and stop giving me more grey hairs than I already have.

Oh, and I told Kaidan to keep you in the doghouse. Let me know if I'm overstepping...

-Z

Post Therum:

Standing your ground.

After all that's happened, you still had to go after that matriarch's daughter? I won't be forgetting that rant you gave me. Thought you reserved that kind of tone for your worst enemies.

In any case, melding ain't no joke. Done it a couple of times and it doesn't just change you, it changes them. And you're one hell of a man, Regis, with a lot going on up there.

If you need some more resources, I can lend you some annotated maps I have around here somewhere. It's got all kinds of shit I've gathered from different nav points over the years.

Don't let up.

-Z

Extras I haven't decided on where they will go:

Chances

To think that it could have just been easily you activating the beacon and Kaidan saving your ass... you think he would've gotten the fancy new title instead of you?

Nah, I'm just playing. Be careful out there. Happy to hear you two were on the same ship, and now I'm worried about you.

And don't keep all that shit bottled up in your head. I'll lend an ear if you don't want to bug Kaidan.

-ZM

----

I don't get the brass. They sent you on a diplomatic mission disguised as an assassination, and they were shocked that you actually killed the motherfucker?

Eh, I know one or two of them in the higher ups. Chances are, they are as fucking happy about it as you are but have to be nice about it. Kaidan called me up and said this would've been the perfect mission for me.

I'll look into him and see if there's anything that might interest you and your command.

-Zaeed

----

Small galaxy.

Been a while since I've worked with Urdnot Wrex. Interesting to hear that he's joined up with your crew.

Not a bad guy. Has some decent morals. Does shoot first and maybe asks questions later. And I know that's not your damn style, so be careful with that.

A quarian, a krogan, your boyfriend... and that marine you and Kaidan both keep singing the praises of. Sounds like a good crew.

Hope they have your back.

-Z

[roylustang]

hi this is electricsynthesis (anon cause im a pleb with a sideblog) but i just wanted to tell you that your vision for keith is vivid. i was thinking about it at work actually. on the salesfloor at my retail job considering how a griefstricken keith who entirely forewent bathing for both practical (conserving water) and mentally ill (needs no elaboration) reasons would react to having access to lots of clean water in the Pristine castle of lions. it actually made me think about a lot of things. but mostly i decided he actually kind of likes being dirty. in a My friend the sand kind of way. sorry for being insane in your inbox but thank you for sharing

No no PLEASE be insane in my inbox I wanna hear this. Tell me your ideas bro I am insane about pre-canon Keith I eat this shit up. Also you’re so right oh my god. I think investing literally all his time into investigating the caves and making his crazy little conspiracy theories was probably the only thing that gave him any reprieve from the overwhelming mental anguish of losing the only person that genuinely cared about him (which is why he did it LITERALLY 24/7) that he started associating being dirty with like, being Okay (sort of, not really, but it’s better than being too depressed to move) and also with having a sense of purpose. It gives him a weird sense of comfort esp after they get to space bc being dirty reminds him of being Important (in terms of him having a major role in starting their whole journey to Defend the Universe) which is much better than feeling abandoned. When Shiro disappears again he goes back to neglecting bathing partially out of how much time he spends searching for him but also if they have a mission on a planet that actually requires them to get dirty Keith just. Stays dirty. Bc it’s the only thing that helps.

[lambrinichampagne]

The way you can tell some people are above those dirty stinking stupid plebs but then they parrot back full on propaganda with not a single critical thought

[tony-quinn]

Eifel Like Shit (idk how to include 65)

Has anyone heard the song "Colors" by Halsey?

I mean probably because it's pretty famous. For anyone who hasn't, humor me while I shift into overly analytical, pretentious douche mode.

IT'S MORPHIN TIME MOTHERFUCKERS!

I was listening to the song recently for the fiftieth time and the chorus struck me in a way it hadn't before. Here it is for those who haven't heard the song, aka dirty plebs.

"Everything is blue His pills, his hands, his jeans And now I'm covered in the colors Pulled apart at the seams And it's blue And it's blue

Everything is grey His hair, his smoke, his dreams And now he's so devoid of color He don't know what it means And he's blue And he's blue."

I've always been a pretty sad guy, ever since I was a kid (not yet a guy.) I'm not sure where it comes from. I've also been an anxious fucker for a long time and I recently found out that the two things correlate so RIP to any sense of peace.

A popular song from my childhood (as well as anyone's who isn't an aforementioned dirty pleb) is "Blue" by Eifel 65.

It annoys me when people say that the group confirmed the song to be nonsensical fuck shit, when songfacts.com quotes them saying otherwise. Here's the quote so nobody can accuse me of pulling it out of the same vault that Half Life 3 is sealed in.

"I started thinking about this character I invented called Zoroti and the lifestyle he led, from the way he would buy his house, pick his girlfriend, his job or the neighborhood he would live in. Then I came up with a color, a color I thought described the way he saw things."

Checkmate bitches. Where's my Nobel Prize?

Listening to "Colors" recently made me think back to this quote and my brain did its typical thing of connecting separate thoughts into a bridge that allows a fully fledged idea to pass over. Nothing is ever simple with me.

Okay if you think the humor in this post is egregious, that's only because I'm writing this in real time and have trouble being completely serious, but I have to do that now so yeah.

I'm blue. Yeah that's a line from the Eifel 65 song, but blue is just who I am. As much as I'm no longer a total believer in anything supernatural or spiritual, maybe this song being a big part of my youth was some form of fate. On the surface it's a silly club anthem, but when you actually look at the lyrics it's kind of deep.

"Colors" gave me this mental image that honestly haunts me, where every woman I've ever tried dating are sitting in a room and talking about me, whether positively or negatively I can't be too sure, but probably the former.

Then the conversation gets serious as one of them (probably the only one I loved) says, "He was pretty sad most of the time.) One by one the other women nod and agree with that sentiment. Sure they thought I was a comedic god, but in some way they all saw the truer version of myself below the surface buried under my goofy jackass attitude; the thoughtful, melancholy loner who never really felt like he could be exposed.

Halsey wrote "Colors" about Matty Healy from The 1975 (they dated.) I don't know too much about his life, but I know he had a drug problem and struggled (or struggles) with depression to some degree. In a way I kind of view myself as a celebrity, in the sense that I'm known for stuff that serves as a smokescreen to the unflattering parts of my life. Gee it's almost like celebrities aren't so different from us. Fucking unfathomable.

This post really had no ultimate purpose. I just wanted to talk about the one thought, but every time I write off the top of my head it shapes itself into something unexpected.

Thanks for reading if you even did. Regardless I feel a bit better.

[into-the-voyd]

"Eh, most everyone I was really close with fucked off," said Karen, shrugging. They were still sitting on the counter, swinging their legs.

They were closest with the art department and most people had moved out of Swynlake, ended up in different, cooler places. Karen actually got coffee once a month-ish with this one girl, who also went into graphic design in London. But Swynlake?

"Really, only Lou's around from the department-- but you know what he's like." Karen chuckled though. "Doesn't like me at all, complete git when it comes to art. So pretentious. If people aren't doing his kind of art, they might as well be no good dirty plebs. Hm, maybe I should hit him up. Just to watch the vein in his forehead start popping."

@invisible-professor

History Repeats {Vandall}

[millenniumfae]

(On 8tracks)

Bulletproof Picasso - Train

High - Young Rising Sons

That Man - Caro Emerald

El Mismo Sol - Avaro Soler

Tom’s Diner - Susanne Vega

All My Lonely Dreams - The Wonders

World Spins Madly On - The Weepies

Red Earth & Pouring Rain - Bear’s Den

Love Love Love - Of Monsters And Men

Waiting - Norah Jones

[oodlenoodleroodle]

Yesterday I saw that fucking tiktok again where the people are singing in a heritage site where singing is forbidden and it made me so mad again

Because the day before yesterday this woman came to the museum and she wasnt wearing a mask and she just stepped in and said "in the first museum they didnt make me wear the shoe covers" (ps no they didnt, they had offered that a different super super old lady who was strugglinh didnt have to put them on and she overheard and waltzed on in), and so she waltzed in without the shoecovers and also didnt put on the mask when I asked her to.

So if you are the kind of person who comes to a heritage site and you think the rules dont apply to you:

Fuck you

And don't fucking come to heritage sites.