#you can't save everyone. but you can save as many as you can.
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— 𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐲/𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐩𝐬𝐲𝐜𝐡𝐨 .ᐟ
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summary — the people's princess and the people's prince, that's what you were promised. the reality? he was the best worst thing to happen to you, yet.
cw — supe!fem!reader x soldier boy. payback era. 18+ smut, unprotected p in v (wrap it), spit kink, teasing, corruption kink (kinda), oral (f receiving), dirty talk, name calling (slut, whore, princess, baby, sweetheart, angel), degradation, cursing, edging, riding, drugs, drinking, mentions of manipulation blackmail, mean & soft ben.
word count — 3,844 words
you were laying there, in the haze of the moment, trying to remember a time before him, before all the chaos and turmoil. life had been calm, somewhat boring, but tolerable before being head-hunted by vought. life in a rural, suburban town had its perks; you knew everyone and everyone trusted you despite your... curse, as you called it; "powers" by everyone else.
they weren't super powers, they weren't a gift. it was a curse set upon you; the responsibility too big to bear for only a little girl when they first showed up. the mind reading and mind control. touching your mum's hand in comfort and seeing her whole life flash before your eyes; her thoughts, her wants, her sins. the same with your father.
you hadn't, willingly, let anyone touch you for 20 years, not up until you were thrusted into the spotlight and ben's experienced hands.
he had crushed the bennies with the bottom of his hunting knife on the edge of his bedside table before lining up the fine powder over the valley of your bare breasts. he couldn't coerce you into taking them with him like he wanted, so he had to resort to taking them off you instead. you lay with bated breath as he chuckles to himself before snorting the drug, his nose dragging over your full breasts; his hands cupping them softly to make sure you keep still. unlike last time, when you fucking spilled the powder all over and he had to lick it off of you like a dog, lapping at his water-bowl. you can't help but admire his hardened features as he pinches his nose and rests his head on your breast, feeling the full effect of the drugs.
the freckles that dance over his nose, his moss green eyes and the gentle wrinkles surrounding them, his plush rose lips, that both spit venom and whisper honeyed words.
for as long as you can remember, no one touched your bare skin unless it was arranged and paid for, by your parents. while you were still young and impressionable, they talked you into "using your powers for good". people paid you, or rather your parents, to make you control them, "help" them. help addicts drop their addiction, no matter what it may be. help people work harder, better to get that promotion. help politicians get votes, get laws passed. help people fall in and out of love. no matter what it was, it had a price and many were desperate enough to pay it. it was a vicious, endless cycle but you were seen as a selfless saviour to those in need.
which is exactly why vought wanted you, needed you. some recent controversies and mild scandals had landed payback in hot water with the board members and pr team. allegations of drug use, violent bar fights, bribing, sex. you name it and the members of payback had probably done it. and here you came in, to save their name and reputation.
the crowd cheered as you stumbled onto the stage, the board members sitting front row looking pleased with themselves and payback sneering behind you, their eyes silently warning you; threatening. your hair had been curled and styled to perfection and you had been forced into a, somewhat, modest lilac suit that hugged each curve deliciously; if you asked soldier boy. along with matching gloves to keep you from accidentally reading someone's mind.
it was a fear that you carried with you at all times. with just a brush or graze of your hands against theirs; all their deep, dark secrets spilled and exposed. no matter what or how much you saw, you kept it all tightly locked up and pushed deep down so that it would never spill over the surface. you could barely live with yourself anyway, but it wasn't your place to ruin others lives in return.
"mystara!" the host announced as he slipped his arms around your shoulder and shook you as you forced a smile. "small town girl coming to big town new york! us, at vought, are delighted to announce that she'll be joining your favourite team, paybaaaack!" he pointed back at the vexed members who all plastered on fake smiles, similar to yours. they all waved ceremoniously, arrogantly to the crowd. soldier boy swaggered forward, pushed the host back to replace his arm around your shoulder and grabbed the mic from the host with a smirk.
"we are more than thrilled to have such a beautiful addition to our team. especially as she is my new girlfriend!" he said through gritted teeth. vought had worked hard to ensure that the marketing was in place. pairing you and soldier boy would only increase numbers. the soft-spoken mind-reader with the brutish, rough killer? it was almost too good and too easy. "we can't wait to work with her and make her a valued member of the team. ain't that right, sweetheart?" he turned and your eyes finally met. you could barely manage to keep the eye contact, his eyes demanding your attention as he held the microphone to your quivering lips. all you could hear was crimson countess scoffing behind the pair of you.
"thank you, s-soldier boy. i am so pleased to be here, so excited for this opportunity. i owe this to my parents, stan edgar and most importantly you, b-babe." you stuttered through your PR approved speech. soldier boy planted an unexpected kiss on your cheek before hissing in your ear.
"if you ever use any of your fuckin' tricks on me, i'll destroy your fuckin' pathetic, little life. you got that, sweetheart?" all you could do was stand frozen and just nod. "atta girl." he laughs and gives your ass a small pat.
"if only they could see you now, baby, hmm?" ben sighs as he pepper kisses across your breasts, his tongue poking out and flicking at your hardened nipple, chuckling as you squirm. "not so sweet and innocent as you would have them all believe." he hums as he sucks at one nipple and pinches the other, whilst whimpers fall past your bitten lips. "who knew you could be such a whore? such a sweet, obedient whore for me..." he groans as he leaves wet, open-mouthed kisses down your heaving chest and tensed stomach.
"you're so mean." you huff in protest, arching your back to feel his lips better against your supple skin.
"shut the fuck up, you love it." he scoffs, swiping his fingers through your folds and admiring the slick that adorns his fingers. "look how fucking wet you are and i've barely even touched you." his eyes sparkle as he brings his fingers to your mouth, inviting you to taste. your defiance isn't appreciated and he roughly grabs your jaw, forcing your mouth open and stuffing his fingers against the pad of your tongue. "fuuuck, sweetheart." his voice filled with adoration as you wildly suck and run your tongue over his fingers.
he knew he destroyed everything he touched, but he just couldn't keep his hands off of you. since he first saw you, he just knew that you were the one for him. underneath your innocent eyes and soft-spoken nature, you were hungry for acceptance; for someone to love you for you and not fear you. a feeling he mirrored and knew all too well.
he pulled back his hand, a string of saliva connecting his digits to your panting mouth. he slightly slaps your clit with his spit-covered fingers, messily running them back and forth over your most sensitive spot, relishing in your pleading.
"ben, ben- please, oh fuck-" you beg, as your hands pull and tug on the cotton sheets beneath you. it only ignites ben's excitement as he roughly spits on your pussy before dragging up pointed tongue up through your folds and settling on your tortured clit. he hungrily devours you as he wraps his toned arms around your thighs and tries, but fails, to keep you still as you feverishly buck your hips against his gifted tongue.
"god, you're so fuckin' needy, aren't you? always fuckin' beggin' and pleading for me." he mumbles against your folds, his tongue still working to pull the first orgasm out of you. "you're just my lil needy princess, aren't you? does my princess want to cum on soldier boy's tongue?" you can only squeeze your eyes shut and nod as your senses are overwhelmed. "look at me." another slap against your pussy. "look. at. me." ben demands. his eyes could burn a whole through yours with the intensity of his gaze as you start to lose control and cum all over his tongue. he loosens his grip on you and let you grind your pussy against his tongue, as he smirks and savours your taste coating his tongue.
ben wastes no time climbing on top of you, smashing his lips onto yours and your tongues intertwining with one another. to your surprise, he pauses to rest his forehead against yours and stroke your cheek.
it took you weeks to settle into your room and role at payback, no one took you seriously but simultaneously they feared you. dodged you when you got too close, afraid of what you would see, of what you would think of them. ironically, you didn't care enough to want to know their secrets and regrets, you could barely carry those you already had tried to forget.
but what you had forgotten is that your life wasn't yours to control. you were nothing but a puppet to the company that had threatened to "send you away" if you didn't comply.
you would pose as a secretary during vought meetings with a wig and all, shaking hands with international elected officials and relaying the information to vought management for extortion and blackmail purposes. influencing presidents, CEOs, and industry moguls to strategically invest in vought and help pass supe-positive laws to allow more human testing and production of compound v. anything to make vought more money.
however, it didn't stop there. the more power-hungry vought got, the more you were pushed around and forced to go against your morals. over the past several weeks, you had been sneaking into the payback member's individual rooms to gain intel and to make them more... complacent to voughts ideas and suggestions. but when it came to soldier boy, you flat-out refused. no matter how much you screamed and shouted at your managers, your worries were pushed aside.
that's how you found yourself sneaking into his room against your own will and better judgement. he looked so vulnerable when he slept, his brows furrowed only slightly and his hair swept beautifully across his hardened features. you're not sure how long you just stood there and just admired him, wanting nothing more than to just reach out and touch...
what you hadn't known that night, was that soldier boy was wide awake. he wasn't surprised; he knew why you were there and what vought was up to. but what surprised him was that you just left, without using your powers on him like he had expected and defying vought.
he thought about you for days until one evening, he thought it was finally time to confront you, to get some fucking answers. it was just after midnight and all the members had gone to bed after some heavy drinking and drug-taking in the payback conference room; everyone except you. you were never invited and never expected and that suited you just fine. you had witnessed how that shit could destroy lives too many times to count and you heeded the warnings. three loud knocks rapped at your door pulling you out of your thoughts. you sat your book down, instinctively pulled on your gloves, padded over barefoot and opened your door.
"s-soldier boy." you gasped. he looked down at you with a sneer, his brows in a deep frown and his soft, unstyled hair falling just in front of his analysing eyes. he simply grunted as he looked you over; no makeup, messy hair, pink pyjama set and your fuckin' gloves. he silently pushed past you and walked into your bedroom, leaving you frozen and confused at your door. you quickly closed the door and turned to the contrasting, intimidating figure in your girly bedroom. like a western stand-off, you both stood and just watched one another, waiting to see who'd break first.
"why?" he barked at you, making you flinch.
"why what, sir?" you asked carefully.
"don't give me that sir bullshit." he snorted. "do you think i'm fucking stupid, huh? why didn't you touch me that night with your freaky-ass powers? i know you're doing it to all the others, by the way. i've seen how you sneak in and out of their rooms, how they're suddenly acting different and think everythin' vought does is just revolutionary. i see you." with each sentence, he makes his way over to you right until he's towering over you. you feel like a wounded animal at the end of a hunter's gun, silently begging for freedom.
"i- i couldn't. i was afraid of what i'll see. afraid of how you would react if you worked it out. afraid of you." you quietly admit, deciding it's better to be truthful and once you started, it was hard to stop.
"but what if i wanted you to see?" he muttered in response.
he had pushed and folded your legs tightly against your chest as he mercilessly pounded his thick cock into you, with one hand wrapped tightly around your dainty throat and the other grabbing your thigh to stabilise himself. the only sounds filling the room were your hushed begging and ben whispering the most foul words into your ear as you came undone under him.
"god, please- ben, im so close, please.." you begged endlessly and breathlessly as his grip on your throat tightens.
"always so fuckin' tight, princess. god, you're so cock-hungry, it just keeps suckin' me in. fuck." he groans as his stubble rubs against your ear. his hips snap ruthlessly against yours, your gummy walls contracting and clamping around him. "d'you wanna come, baby? gonna cum all over my cock, like the slut you are?" as your eyes roll into your head, you somehow manage to nod and let out a weak "yes, please...". his teeth nipped and tugged on your ears before travelling down and leaving sloppy kisses all down your neck before biting down on your shoulder. marking your silky skin and watching with glee as the teeth marks decorate your skin as a reminder of who you belong to.
he pealed himself away to gaze softly down at you and your completely fucked-out state. god, he was convinced that he would never grow tired of this sight, which is why he immediately stopped, leaving you high and dry. tears threaten to form and roll down your reddened cheeks as you stare at him, mouth agape and band right about to snap.
"my sweet angel, i'm not done with you yet." he hums as turns you over onto all fours and slowly starts to thrust again as he gathers your hair into a makeshift ponytail, starting the torturous process all over again.
he had grabbed your wrist and slipped off your glove as you fought and yelled in protest. this is the last thing you wanted. you weren't ready to face the horrors that his psyche hid. but he wanted to give you the full truth so he could pour some out and share the in the guilt you carried, together.
"stop!" you yell out. "no, fuck! don't, plea-" his fingers had intertwined with yours and everything flashed before your eyes like a bomb had gone off behind your eyes.
his abusive father, his distant mother, his trauma-filled boarding school days, injecting the compound v and the pain that followed. all the fake pr stunts; normandy beach, ww2, helping the soldiers. the drugs, the women, the drinking. killing, murders, bodies beaten to a pulp. the desperate need for approval, for acceptance, for something real. like you, his life was no longer his and he feared the worst. the last thing that appeared in front of your eyes was as clear as day: his dirty, unfiltered thoughts of you.
you wrenched your hand from his grip and staggered back, your mind a whirlwind.
"don't ever fucking do that again." your chest heaved with anger. "you don't have the fucking right to do that! no matter who you are!" you snatched back your glove and put it on.
"did you see it all?" he asked calmly. not what you expected.
"i saw everything." you nod.
"... and?"
suddenly, the towering figure in front of you had transformed into the young boy who yearned for love and understanding. he had never wanted to be feared but it was wired into his new dna and he couldn't shake it no matter how much he wanted to. you couldn't help but soften up and almost... pity him.
"and i see you." you repeat his earlier words back to him. he lets out a loud sigh and runs a hand over his rugged face. "i- i had no idea. about everything. i'm sorry." ben scoffs in response.
"i don't need your fucking sympathy. i just needed you to know that..." he hesitated. "i understand and i'm not afraid of you. you shouldn't be afraid of me. i don't want you to be." he edges closer to you, grabbing the tips of your gloves and slowly sliding them off, his eyes never leaving yours. he held your hands in his as if they were porcelain, bringing one up and kissing one of your fingertips to show the depth of his words. "our hands are weapons used against our will. but together, you and me, we can resurrect something beautiful."
"ben." you gasp, all of this unexpected.
"you know i want this. my dirty thoughts of you, they were never mine to keep." he sighed before leaning down, ever so slightly, and brushing his lips against yours. you grab the back of his neck and bring his lips to yours in a heated clash of tongues and teeth. you knew he was going to wreck you, but you wanted nothing more than to give in and seek comfort in your american psycho.
that's how you ended up here; riding ben like your life depended on it. your tight walls hugging bens cock like your pussy was made for him and his hands fitting perfectly on your hips as he guided you. he swallowed your loud moans as your lips tangled together and your tongues intertwined. his hips bucking up to match your frenzied tempo as you lost yourself in the sensation of being completely filled by him. he threads his finger through your hair and tugs on it, yanking your head back, making you yelp and hiss in pain.
"i love the way you hurt me." you rasp out in between rough thrusts and playful bites across your chest; the harsh purple bruises a contrast to your delicate nature. ben grins against your neck as he reaches around and slaps your ass with a groan.
"god, i have really fucked you up, haven't i? my baby, so fuckin' dirty." he chuckles as he leans back and folds his arms behind his head to watch the show you're putting on for him. "show me how much you fuckin' need me and i might let you come on my cock." you claw at his chest with your lilac nails, that match your supe-suit, as you grind down onto him with full force. the sweat cascading down your back and slick covering ben's thick thighs.
that was a pro and con of being supes; you could fuck for hours, but you could also get fucked for hours without room for a breather. you were sure that ben had fucked you stupid after edging you on for what felt like hours as he rides his bennie-filled high and gets to see how you fall apart under him.
"you know that only good sluts get to come on my cock, don't you?" he laughs as you notice your pace slacking, your body soon couldn't take anymore. he forcefully grabs your jaw; his pupils completely blown leaving only a ring of bright green around them. he taps your lips and you open them with a second thought, something that he programmed into you. he spits into your mouth and watches adoringly as you roll it around in your mouth before swallowing it and resuming your previous frenzied pace. his rough hands grab your hips, squeezing your supple skin as he fucks his cock deeper into you. within seconds, you're finally coming all over him as you curse and pant his name like a prayer.
"fuck- nggh, oh my fucking god, ben.. ben, ben!" you shout as he comes with you; the feeling of being filled with him was like no other. he lazily thrusts into you whilst carefully laying you on your back and adorning your face with soft kisses and whispered "good girl"'s. you share one final, deep kiss; filled with unsaid emotions and promises to one another before he lifts you up and carries you to the bathroom to get you cleaned up.
two misplaced puzzle pieces, finally belonging and forming a picture no one else could see.
you weren't sure who affected who more. you had been introduced to the world of desire and sin by ben; he was your first everything and he revelled in that fact. knowing no one had heard or seen you the way he does, fuck. it was like a whole new drug and it's potency was almost deadly. you had gotten more calculated, with his encouragement, and were using your powers for your own good and not just at the behest of whoever held your leash. you confronted your parents and had cut off the contact, although the damage was done. you were still the people's soft princess to the adoring crowds, but you had evolved into something more sinister; more selfish. and nothing could get in your way now.
in comparison, ben had gotten calmer. he didn't throw himself into women, drinking and drugs like before, only occasionally dabbling in taking a hit or two of whatever he had lying around. men like him is what love destroys and his harsh outer layer was slowly eroding. his vicious appetite for destruction and violence needed less feeding and attention. his sole purpose was to protect you and ensure that you both would never be denied the happiness he knew you deserved. he considered what was better; to be feared or to be loved. but he had come to the conclusion that "one should wish to be both, but, because it is difficult to unite them in one person, it is much safer to be feared than loved."
thanks to you, he had both.
a/n: WELL. i hope you like this one too guys; it was so much fun to write and rather self-indulgent. i'm considering ACTUALLY make this fic a series, i love their dynamic. this was based on another favourite song of mine that immediately makes me think of the loml, ben, when i hear it <3 long live fall out boy
-`♡´- tag list: @bluemerakis @legalmente-loca @faiszt @vmiina @emeraldcrs @briiverse @figthoughts @sl33pylilbunny @jasvtsc @silverwoodlynx @kayleighwinchester @bejeweledinterludes @yooyieu @nperoconelcositoarriba @lanasgirlfr @velvetdandeli0n @iluvdeanwinchester @doeinlace (comment or inbox me to be added)
#millie writes#soldier boy#soldier boy smut#soldier boy angst#soldier boy fanfic#soldier boy x you#soldier boy x reader#soldier boy x yn#soldier boy x fem reader#the boys#the boys smut#jensen ackles smut#jensen ackles angst#jensen ackles x reader#jensen ackles x yn#jensen ackles x you#soldier boy drabble#soldier boy one shot#jensen ackles drabble#jensen ackles one shot#jensen ackles fanfic#jensen fucking ackles#jensen ackles#Spotify
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I have a question in the monetary issue of the ros. You said Chris was rich, so Cam too? Besides how is the economic life of the ros
While his family is rich from generational wealth, Cam isn't. He hasn't received any form of support from his parents since he was 16 and got his first job. Everything he owns (except Em's old couch, and his bat plush) he purchased on his own. Many assume he benefits because he is a Clarke, but he doesn't. He paved his own way.
I'll answer this in regards of their economic lives currently, since some will change.
❤️ Cam - (I did so much world building before starting the story, so I could tell you how much he earns currently even how much their rent is.)
Currently, Cam is doing alright. Since he's self-employed he has to hold quite a bit back for taxes. He prefers to do freelance, but you will notice him take on contracts from time to time (ex: the studio he was working at in ch. 1) for financial stability. He's great at managing money. (he will of course start doing better once MC starts working. but for now they manage.)
💙 G - Being a veterinarian is already a demanding job, even more so since G owns the clinic. They earn good money, but they do have to watch their spending since they have business expenses and student loans. (which their father offered to pay off if G decided to become a surgeon like him.)
💚 Kara - Unlike Cam, Kara benefits from her family's wealth—but she doesn’t want to rely on it. She’s aware of her privilege and strives for self-reliance, which is why she works. She also earns a decent income from social media.
💛 M - They do well for themselves. The last book they published has been raking in some money. Granted they can't just rely on that, because their income isn't always consistent. But currently, M is doing well. They can provide for themselves, and their mothers.
💜 Isaac - Not doing as well as everyone else. Isaac makes ends meet by delivery jobs and (spoiler). Which is why they're always on the go, two jobs and not enough time in the day. They struggle, sometimes having to live paycheck to paycheck. (So, Kara spoils him.)
🖤 Ardent - Financially, I would say he falls somewhere in the middle in comparison to the other Ro's. He doesn't own the apartment building, his parents do. So, majority of that income goes to his parents. And as what was hinted at in Chapter 1. The apartment isn't doing the best in terms of tenants. But it was the first building his parents lived in after they immigrated, so at this point they just stick with it out of sentimentality. He has money he saved over the years when he lived in Greece and worked at his parents restaurant. I would say he's comfortable, and if he starts to feel a little less, he will do some shifts at his Uncle's bar. (though most of the time he does it for free.)
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Grim being determined to change fate in TCWGANV to the point that she refuses to accept that she can't save everyone even when she fails vs Grim not trying to change the ending in ALATL but that doesn't mean she's not going to stop saving who she can, even if it isn't everyone
#grim kennet#in tcwganv grim wouldn't hear it that she couldn't save everyone#even when she suffered a loss she would still refuse to believe it wasn't impossible#she would refuse to believe that not everyone can be saved#she would fight constantly#and she would fail time and time again#and then in alatl grim is still determined to save those she can#of course she is. it's in her nature to want to save people#she is kind and compassionate and determined to a fault#and yet now she realizes she can't save everyone#she can't stop the destruction of alderaan and she knows that. so she doesn't even try.#but that doesn't stop her from warning them about the death star. that doesn't stop her from doing her best to save those she can#of course she knows it won't save everyone. but as many as possible. that's what she has to do now#she doesn't save obi wan. she knows she can't#obi wan made his choice anyways. he lets vader kill him. he sacrifices himself#grim still pleads with him. she begs him not to do it#but she knows she can't stop him. she knows she can't save him. and so she doesn't#but that doesn't stop her emotions. that doesn't save her any grief or anger#but she doesn't blame herself or anyone else. she couldn't save him. she didn't try to save him. still she loves him.#she finally learned that she can't save everyone. she's not going to try and save everyone anymore#but that doesn't mean she won't save all she can.#finally she realizes what that promise she made meant. finally she realizes what it really means to be a jedi#you can't save everyone. but you can save as many as you can.#anyways i love grim and i love when she learns things and grows#fic: the clone wars gets a new victim#fic: as long as there's light
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Y'know about that worst-case neglect route down the acts?
So, what if the menu changes at that point?
Mirabelle
Isabeau
Odile
Bonnie
"a-and Siffrin!"
Siffrin's turn becomes automatic and Bonnie becomes a playable character
they just want to be useful
they are desperate to be useful to their team
That's absolutely heartbreaking thank you for the mental image I am in shambles
They will still not let Bonnie fight no matter how op they get, no no no, Bonnie is a kid so no getting in harms way! but siffrin feeling like he isn't part of the game anymore? isn't part of the team??? Agh that's so possible I AM DEAD
#TINY RAMBLING TIME The neglect route is so so so so hard to reach cause the party is very sweet#and you need to have EVERYONE be very neglectful to siffrin WITH CONSISTENCE#think of undertale's 'no mercy route' in the 'you can't reach this path unless the player is ACTIVELY seeking it' way#cause if bombom give sif (WHO IS THEIR IDOL) comfort sweets#or isabeau reassure him people are just very determined about saving and they can (insert future promise that will 'never happen')#or mirabelle apologises (they have as much bad and bothersome memories about sif as they have very sweet and nice sif memories)#they already won't get his 'i can help!' skill#i have so many mental images about this route and how many bad choices need to be done to reach it but idk HOW TO EXPLAIN THEM T-T#i hope you catch the vibe tho
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blessed be (lorscher bienensegen) | telling the bees (wiþ ymbe)
"Bees" [remixed, abridged], Claudia Emerson // "Letter to Someone Living Fifty Years from Now" [remixed. abridged], Matthew Olzmann // "Letter to my Great, Great Grandchild" [remixed, abridged], J.P. Grasser | Len Redkole, Nina Weiss, Brian Babineau, Christian Peterson, Mitchell Leff, Dave Isaac, Megan DeRuchie
#liv in the replies#if i were insane there would be an appendix to this called telling the bees however i finished this at 3am yesterday its nearly midnight &#my cutoff is when my ahl asg stream cuts. GOD by now i should know when i save a poem like hmm. not applicable but god it'd be perfect#THAT'S A CURSE. DON'T PUT IT IN THE DOCUMENT. DON'T SAVE IT. FORGET YOU READ IT. IT'S A CURSE!! <- things i should've told myself when i#went to read bees was already like 👀 &then the first line was FUCKING CLAUDE!!!!! anyway. sorry also this is like. insanely long but ALSO#regarding mf claude. the first picture is a leftover from the claude edit i made years ago so that feels GREAT and BEAUTIFUL & also for me#as ever y'all will be getting a full breakdown. starting with what i regularly have a breakdown about every time i see it which is joelle's#james 1:12 tattoo which if u use the king james version (gay) is blessed is he who perseveres under trial because having stood the test he#will receive the crown of life the lord has promised to those who love him. which i always go blessed is he who perseveres // for those who#love him. and that's joel. ignoring him getting it then getting sent down on his birthday IGNORING IT. also we know the frosty/maple leafs#hahaha fuck the flyers lore right? good. that's morgan and his dad also bc i love a baby picture & it was perfect. also the dave isaac pic#next was in an article talking about morgan 'stung' by draft camp. shut UP. i have an alt for tells him with claude and ALSO hate the#elephant w/phil bc myesie u fuckin leaf-eater (giraffe) but i love the composition of that jake shot & had to use it (it was also almost#tells him) with thylacine jakey frog nolan also raff the extinct whale bc i needed him here. if my editing on incapable of joy is bad no on#tell me i did some SHENANIGANS to put morgan in there & color-pick/alter his jersey. new skill. i think euphoria is one of my favorite for#the sake of pride night but ALSO that polaroid kills me very time &they're so stoners contemplate the universe but ALSO i love transcendenc#so that whole three photo string i think is my favorite. and i was in looking at these like listen okay it's okay there are only so many#photos in the world. you can repeat from others you've seen before. except ALSO there's so many of these freaks together do you separate#and every time i was like there can't be more there was more. don't ask the number of back-ups for the sweetest blossom/pinch/ruffle sets#okay also the ready to be stung one was a surprise favorite fit for me because i love that line but wasn't sure how to convey it? so it's o#i think with how morgan's face is and the almost of it all. yes joel hardest trier is in there purely for me i do have an alt but. how coul#u doubt him. insert sasha's tweet abt how much joel loves philly but all his quotes have been abt being excited for morgan to have a fresh#start. AND NOT EVEN TWO MINUTES IN CALGARY AND YOU'RE STILL INSEPARABLE god i literally googled frost farabee calgary to find the last#blessed [because. heard but not seen you know of everyone traded but you went together. not seen. (which ties into the terrible appendix)]#and IT DIDN'T EVEN TAKE ME TWO MINUTES TO FIND THAT!!! WHAT DO YOU MEANNN anyway. sorry again it's so long & also i will be vanishing a wee#& a half after posting [redacted] is kicking my ass & im doing [redacted fun things WAIT ACTUALLY U CAN KNOW ONE i'm seeing hippo campus]#morgan frost#joel farabee#philadelphia flyers#calgary flames
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actually...
looking at a bunch of my old favorite mutuals blogs that have been inactive for years. i miss them, even if i never really talked to any of them. when you're mutuals with a person for so long they become a comforting presence even without talking. you see them every day and read their posts about their thoughts or feelings or about what's going on in their life and so on. and they just become a part of your daily life in such a subtle way.
and then one day they just never post again. without warning. shit sucks. i actually hate it.
#i think about so many old mutuals like every day#just wondering where they've gone and what they're up to and how their lives have turned out#i love them and miss them so much#actually there have been a couple times when old mutuals suddenly become active again after years#but i can't count on that -- most don't#i wish there was some website or app or whatever#that would make it possible to stay in contact indefinitely#like i just imagine something like linktree or whatever#but also something more#just this one central hub with one username and it is just saved forever#and so any person who remembers your name can just look it up and suddenly have access to all these ways to contact you#because i've had my blog deleted a few times and like i gotta slightly change my url every time#so if someone looks up my og blog url they won't be able to find me#and that shit makes me sad#just a slight change in url could mean the difference between staying in contact#whatever#i get like this occasionally#nostalgic and sad because i miss old mutuals#scrolling their long abandoned blogs#idk why i do this to myself lmao#i do it with facebook sometimes too#i haven't posted since like high school#and sometimes i go back and see all my friends' profiles frozen in time#because a lot of their profiles are also inactive for whatever reason#i don't know why this shit makes me so sad#so yeah if you're a mutual -- even we don't talk -- don't ever just randomly delete or become inactive#even if we don't talk you can give me your other socials or whatever#or even an email idc#i just don't want to lose connection with any of you -- when i'm 80 years old i wanna reminisce with y'all#and i wanna throw everyone a feast someday
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Somebody send me recs about Team Black please.
#I love Rhaenyra and her babies so much#just for once I wanna see the happy family#Ik fanfiction can deliver what F&B and HotD couldn't#I just wanna know. I have so many questions. The Velaryon boys feelings towards both their father figures- Laenor and Harwin + their deaths#and Nyra marrying Daemon. Plus the relationship between Nyra 's Velaryon and Targ bois#yk they loved each other so much Jace died trying to saving Viserys and Aegon loved his older brothers#plus Rhaena and Baela. What do they think of the marriage? Their new siblings? Ik Nyra adored them. They were the daughters she never had.#Nyra raised 5 kids (6 in my heart. RIP Visenya) and 2 stepkids. so at least 7 loving and strong children. she was such a good mother#and I deserve to see it dammit#one day I will finish writing my own fic about this but until then I need more recs#everyone on team black gets to lives in my fics too: Aemma Harwin Laena#but I can't stand team green. either they suffer or don't exist. but I am not so picky while reading. I am fine with whatever as long as#Nyra and her babies are happy. Idc what happens or who she ends up with (my fav is always Rhaewin tho.)#somebody plz send recs. I will name my first born after you#anti team green#pro team black#rhaenyra targaryen#hotd#jacaerys velaryon#lucerys velaryon#joffrey velaryon#baela targaryen#rhaena targaryen#aegon iii targaryen#viserys ii targaryen#harwin strong#daemon x rhaenyra#rhaenyra x harwin#daemon targaryen#anti alicent hightower
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anyway every spider-man in the multiverse is alone except for miles. can anybody hear me
#every spiderman starts out thinking theyre the only one#every spiderman learns the lesson that theyre only one person and they cant save everyone#every spiderman grits their teeth and keeps going in face of tragedy#every spiderman learns about the multiverse and when they realize there are other people like them#they pass on their own trauma in a cycle --- this happened to me and it had to happen so that this good thing could also happen#which means that this terrible thing has to happen to you too#thats their universal truth: they cant save everyone alone so they need to maximize their influence to save as many as they can#but miles? miles morales is the spiderman who got bit already knowing who spiderman was#miles is the spiderman who had six different spider-mentors help him come into his own#miles is the only spiderman whose introductory monologue ends with 'and im not the only one'#miles is the one who looks at all these people whove decided they Have to suffer alone and says#'ok but what if i helped you'#'what if instead of taking the good with the bad we still got the good but stopped the bad anyway'#'sure i can't save everyone alone but the whole goddamn point of the multiverse is that im not the only one'#and thats why miles is our hero#across the spiderverse#across the spiderverse spoilers#(tiny amendment actually: miles is actually not the only spider who knows hes not alone right from the beginning#atsv also introduces us to pavitr --- a member of the spider society whos even more of a rookie than miles is#and huh whaddya know: the kid who knew from the start that he wasnt alone is the one whose traumatic 'canon event' is stopped#in a joint effort between him and his friends#yeah that probably isn't foreshadowing or anything)
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all pokemon games are good but they are not all equally as good
send post
#pokemon#as a person who has played pretty much every main pkmn game in some capacity#i can find things in them that are worth praise#but like obviously they can't all be the same level of good. there are so many factors to a pkmn game to be balanced#some have a great region. some have a great story. some have just a solid gameplay experience. all of them have great music lol#i could even play devil's advocate and praise bdsp for being a truly faithful remake and pretty incredible for a studio first Real game#but mainly i keep thinking like. everyone has shat on the new pkmn games ever since gen 5 especially#but then over time people are like Huh they aren't so bad after all#like once you get out of the gamehate wormhole generated by inflammatory social media posting you can appreciate a thing more#and there may still be people out there who think red/blue are the best ones. and y'know they have a point#even though objectively those games were littered with bugs to the point where some normal mechanics were not correct#and things just got more complicated and sophisticated with abilities and new types and better moves and stuff#the original games are absolute Miracles to have been made at all and for what they're worth they were Revolutionary#it was a simpler time but the ideas put forth were still pretty complex. especially considering this was the First One#this is the foundation all pokemon games thereafter rose from. and it's a pretty solid foundation despite all the hardships#anyway. i love pokemon. and i love that even after all this time - over 25 years - its spirit from back in 96 still remains in some form#it may not be about catching em all anymore. because physically that's really hard to do with over 1000 guys now#but it's still about finding joy in following a dream of adventure with a bunch of cool animal friends#and sometimes you save the world a little bit. that's p cool
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I can see how the regional phenomena in totk is basically totk's version of a modern 4 horsemen of the apocalypse: pollution (the sludge), addiction (marbled rock roast), climate change (the extreme blizzard; admittedly this one is a bit of a stretch), and pestilence/infectious disease (the giant mosquito boss and the undead gibdo). Which, hey, references to real life issues, great, but what I didn't like so much was how you can just solve puzzles and fight bosses--basically have a handful of big name heroes running around doing tasks--and the water will magically clear up, the addicts will magically become normal people again, the extreme storms will magically dissipate, and the pestilence will magically disappear. Real life does not work that way. I know, I know, it's a game why you taking it so seriously blah blah, but I'm just saying, we have to remember that for any of these problems to be solved, it takes a lot of effort and cooperation from a lot of people to accomplish, and that's definitely an understatement.
#totk spoilers#:P#i haven't played many other zelda games so i can't say#but botw and totk are basically the Great Man Theory#aka 'we only need a few big heroes to save the day and nobody else's input is worth much'#maybe I'm too nitpicky or maybe I'm too old to suspend my disbelief entirely#something about that just doesn't quite sit right with me :P#doesn't mean the game is bad but just my thoughts#and let me add that genshin is also kind of a Great Man Theory sort of game on the surface#but in genshin the story itself actually does challenge that idea in many different places#whereas in botw and totk nothing about that logic is even questioned#you are expected to just accept that 'oh the hero defeated the bad guys and now the problems magically went away'#and since we are talking about real life issues this approach is honestly incredibly lazy#basically the same as 'if everyone can drive less (aka be a hero!) then we can reduce emissions and save the environment!'#while completely ignoring how driving is basically essential to life in the greatest country on earth (tm)#bc of urban planning lack of effective public transportation systems and lobbyists#it's a systemic problem and it's not going to be solved by being heroes or eating the rich#in conclusion: if you want to put real life issues in your game please don't be lazy with it#and if you want the traditional hero vs big bad thing then please stay away from real life issues#this is part of the reason why botw is better than totk
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Hate the number of people I know who just want to leave the US because of xyz political issues that don't exist in the imaginary other country they hope to move to. Not One of these people ever puts in the leg work to make the world around them better (at least one isn't even registered to vote) and it is literally the height of privilege to think you can just go live somewhere else where someone else has made everything work without doing anything to participate in your community first.
#you Have to watch your local politics you Have to go to local events you Have to talk to people about political issues in your state#so many of these issues can be discussed without putting yourself in any danger because they're literally just about funding and buses!#and if you unite a community behind something like a public park#them every person in that community gets to know one another#local politics creates voting blocks that pay dividends!#you want to save the environment? so does everyone else!!!!!#you want more public places? so does everyone else!!!#“they keep removing third spaces 😡😡😡”#then maybe try to create some??#testify in support of parks#join your neighborhood group#attend events at the library#you have to go out and do things and meet people and you can't just complain all the time about everything wrong while planning to just leav#i hate idealists even though I Am one because they never move past the idea#when it's so so easy you can just small talk with people about how you think it would be good to change police standards#or (something I do a lot) strike up a conversation about how the death penalty is in direct opposition to Christian ideals and values#identify shared issues with people and use that as a jumping point not everything has to be an intense debate you can just learn to listen#because believe it or not people are 1000% more likely to listen to you when you listen to them#these things cut both ways
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I mean like. Not to bring the mood down but... you guys know that's because American media is everywhere right? Like the world is unable to avoid some version of American accent on a regular basis. Of course ppl find it easy to mimic. This is absolutely not restricted to ppl in the UK, its really common for ppl who learn English as a foreign language to have perfect 'American actor' accents (cause the reason everyone's so good at the American accent that's expected of them as actors is cause at large there's little distinction between regions in the 'Hollywood accent' that ends up on TV and films and stuff. You guys have massive regional differences in pronounceation, but what makes it on to TV (in 9/10 cases) is a very standardised version of American English.)
But yeah. It's not just actors lol. Most British ppl can speak in a passable american accent, as can loads and loads of people worldwide. I'm not saying this to be like 'you should feel guilty! 😡' but it does always stun me when Americans are unaware of the impact their country has worldwide on all versions of English (and even on use of native languages. Many countries are using English more and more over their native languages and dialects , and yeah, historical colonialism has had an impact there.)
But in the last few decades things have progressed way way faster and that, is thanks to the impact of anglo/american/ect lead capitalism. I'm in no way dismissing the impact the UK has on this, but in recent years, its the US that is largely pushing that train .While the UK and several English speaking commonwealth countries are very involved in this kind of capitalist imperialism, there's a reason that more and more people are speaking American English. Not one of the many UK dialects, not Australian English, or NZ English. Across the world more and more people are increasingly speaking in the same standardised american dialect that's in so much of the media you export. Hollywood based media, with that standardised accent/ dialect and the standardised 'normal american life', has a stranglehold on the world and I just find it crazy that a lot of you guys don't even know.
It's stupid stuff like. So many countries are importing american cars and are widening their roads/ changing town planning to account for it (this is less of a thing in the UK but I see it more and more when I travel). Its the food becoming avaliable everywhere. Its the influence that for profit healthcare has even on countries with socialised health systems. Its houses being built to account for American style appliances. Fashion trends. Worldwide, everything is slowly evolving to be closer and closer to this 'American standard' which honestly? I really don't think actually represents the lives of real American people either. You've been turned in to products, the system has taken an unrealistic snapshot of 'American life' and it's being sold to you all day in day out, but it's also being sold to the rest of us. It's being pushed on us all.
Kids in the UK go through phases of talking only in American accents. Anyone born later than the 90s is carrying round 2 sets of spelling and vocab, cause we're all so used to the American way, that you barely know which one you're using half of the time. In the UK we have always had really strong regional accents yeah, and dialects differ between areas that seem tiny to you guys, I know. But like. Those dialects are being lost cause all UK accents are evolving to become closer to this standardised american and yeah not great, but at least we share a language! US American society is largely rooted in the same foundations as UK society, largely we have the same flaws! But oh my god. What about the rest of the world.
It's global. This impact continues to be seen, steamrollering ahead, in places that had completely different starting points. UK culture isn't that dissimilar to that of the US, so we aren't losing nearly as much as cultures that had something completely different. So much is being lost.
Languages and dialects and everything else is just being wallpapered over so we all meet the same ideal of the 'American life' and it's not even real! It's just a product based on how ppl were actually living in the US, manipulated until it's the most marketable mould. You guys are victims of it as well but like. It's based on your culture so you don't lose as much if you conform to it. Just like how in the UK, if we conform, we lose more than US, but nowhere near as much as countries that had languages, dialects and cultures that were so so different to UK/US culture. The less like the US, your starting point, the more there is to lose.
And look. I said it to start with. I'm not having a go. That's not what this is. But you guys really need to be aware, you need to make an effort to understand the impact that this plastic Hollywood american culture is having on the rest of the world. You need to actively look for it, and make an effort to not pay in to it. Because when Americans see other cultures represented in media and say its not relatable, when you guys go on holiday and make no effort to learn local customs, and try and pay in dollars and spend your time abroad like you're still in America, when you see cultural differences and immediately argue that the American way is better and of course everyone should have giant cars and never dry laundry outdoors and live in American style homes, without any kind of critical thought. Just 'this is how we do it so why wouldn't everyone else do it this way. This is the only way. The American way is obviously best.' When you guys do that you are individually feeding in to this absolute bulldozing of cultures (including American ones!) to allow for better marketability.
It isn't any one individual American citizens fault that things are the way they are, and you guys are victims of the same system, but you need to have some self awareness when it comes to the fact that as individuals you are unknowingly, helping driving this forwards and as individuals, there are things you can do to limit your personal impact (and no arguing that you have no culture is not it!!! Being all self deprecating doesn't do shit. Take some responsibility and accept that individual Americans didn't create this system, but currently, individual Americans really are doing their bit to keep promoting it, to keep pushing it on the rest of the world.
And I've already rambled for an age so I'll stop here but I just want to make clear as an ending note here, that this really isn't about piling on Americans and being all 'boo it's all America's fault. They should apologise. Their culture isn't worth anything.' Not at all this is the opposite of that. The fact that millions of Americans have been convinced you have no culture, all while a mimicry of American culture is plastered on to the rest of the world, and while you as individuals are encouraged to help that happen, often without even realising what you're doing; is a crime. You've been wronged, as have we all.
And America is not the problem. The problem is imperialism and it didn't start with you guys. It started in Europe, and Europeans, particularly British ppl, have a responsibility to push back and be self aware, take some fucking responsibility and not inadvertently keep feeding in to that system, just as you guys do. The US didn't start the fire, imperialist capitalism is a fire that started burning long before the United States was even considered, but its on all of us, to do what we can to not feed that fire. And right now? You guys are the face of it.
This idea of what America is, is the face of imperialistic capitalism, and that means that even if you don't mean to, you guys are feeding that fire more so than the rest of us. You're responsible for spreading it, more so than the rest of us. And if you don't step up and take responsibility, accept that you're gonna get it wrong sometimes and you need to try to do better; if we don't all do that. There will be nothing left. They'll paper over it all, the lives of real Americans just as much as those in Scotland and India and the Netherlands, and 100 other cultures, that are at risk, thanks to this fire, that's currently, largely coming from America.
So yeah. It's absolutely not just on you guys and ppl who act like there's no racism or wealth divide in Europe or anywhere else for that matter are complete idiots, however, this Americanisation of the world (and I hesitate to call it that. Because its not a representation of real American lives. Its simply wearing an American face.) Its real. It's happening.
And we don't tell you about it to make you feel guilty (those of us who aren't dicks at least) ,we are telling you. We are kicking up a fuss. Because it isn't fair. It's not right and while individual Americans ignore that and refuse to take responsibility where they can (small apples. We aren't asking for you to call a violent revolution in our names. Just take some time to learn about the rest of the world. Stop assuming America is always right and examine your biases. When you find them. Stop personally pushing them.) , while that is happening, as individuals, you are contributing to this. It's not even altruism. This system is hurting Americans too. It's hurting us all. All we ask is that you do what you can to not personally contribute, and keep an open mind, be aware. That's all any of us can do.
when a british actor does an american accent everyone’s like “i didn’t even know they were british until they were on colbert.” but when americans do a british accent everyone’s like “they’re supposed to be from east cocksford but their glottal e’s are north dicksford. shameful.”
#so yeah sorry to rant but honestly#I'm so tired of ppl refusing to take responsibility on every side of this#imperalistic cruel capitalist regimes going 'well hey. at least we aren't America. this is their fault.'#meanwhile. Americans contribute to the bulldozing of their own cultures to make room for a capitalist monster wearing them as a mask#and if you call out any Americans or make them aware of something they are doing individually that isn't helping. it's either#refusing to see/ accept their own bias. or just as bad! yes! just as bad!!! america is beyond help. there's nothing worth saving#nothing we can do. that's bullshit and making stupid excuses like 'oh our schools don't teach us to respect other cultures'#'we don't know how.' fucking learn! try! that's all anyone asks of you. nobody cares about your schooling. school is shit for working class#ppl in most countries!#you think the english curriculum is any more balanced? we're subjects of a colonial empire. it's propaganda and its not even competent!#i don't think the average American understands how many more hours of schooling they get vs a lot of places. I'm not saying it's right#but teaching time? you guys have longer school days and you stay in school till youre older. our national curriculum ends the year we turn#16 in the UK. year 11 finishes in June. you can leave school 2 months shy of 16 to get a supermarket job. (and many working class ppl do)#and our government still pat themselves on the back and say its eqv. to high school finishing at 18 in other countries. like for context.#i haven't had a geography lesson since i was 13. my last english lesson? i was 15. that's completely normal here. so yeah. the#'our schooling was shit so we can't use Google to learn a bit of geography' falls pretty fucking flat. sorry.#they should have done better by you but they didn't. join the queue. do what you can and take some fucking responsibility now#the only way out of this is for us all. American and otherwise. to do what we can. be self aware. try to be better. keep learning#because if you fall to apathy? capitalism wins. if you believe the propaganda? capitalism wins. if capitalism wins we all lose#the system is designed to wear you down so you're too tired to remember that it doesn't have to be this way.#that's been happening for decades and it's why things are such a mess now. the only way out. is remember there is a way out#climb towards it. do what you can. it seems like low hanging fruit. it doesn't look like enough to change anything.#but there are more ppl being hurt by this system than those benefiting. 99% of us. if everyone picks an apple. that's a lot!#that's a fucking lot! keep going even when it seems like you aren't making progress. make your voice heard. vote. don't passively support a#system that's on its way to destroying you. destroying us all. do what you've got to do to live. but don't forget that all the things that#seem like they don't matter? really really do matter once you add up everyone's contributions. you can't control other ppls actions only#your own. but your contribution matters. your vote matters. your voice matters. join the union. educate yourself. stay curious. question.#the informations out there go online learning 1 thing. challenging 1 bias is better than all or nothing. i dont have time to learn anything#small apples. low hanging fruit. the oceans made up of billions of drops. the longer you don't try. the longer you've no chance of success#we can do better. we can absolutely all do better.
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post pitching everyone lives au / coconana treated seriously already getting too long lol like hmm then. imagine the So Niche You're The Only Fic possibilities
#if it could be kind of breezed through....indeed basically just a changeup to The Very Ending; so#and like treated ''seriously'' like not Seriously as in with gravitas. gotta establish what one means with the word#in earnest? sure. with incredible investment? no it's playing around with the [play around with this] story#use the word jocoserious all the time & call it a day#like brief events. events following canon Mostly. canon has a Narrator btw to avoid like [not the time for ton of Introspection]#not out of like ''b/c of who the individual characters are'' but b/c of the Whole Deal. jocoserious. roles are not literal.#have an end note like i think they should go to the aqua circus together or [gotta check if that was what it was called lol]#the musician would be fine b/c [put banana in that position; Again. in a parallel experience first his instrument saves him but the#second time when [again parallel: cut out your heart] he doesn't need it; music that Protects; the power within all along; physically#imperviosity] speaking of imperviosity like well so then obviously complete uno reverse on [you can't do anything to me b/c of; gasp; the#child] so that that is in violeta's arsenal now. there's a concert to finish & cocodrilo may be alive but sure the Opener covers it All#he's alive b/c of Banana Music (penis music....now that is whatever lo cocodrilo has going on) like the tambourine; she reverberates#the Dramatic Cries during this altercation? close enough to singing. you can survive the bullet; you can survive the texas toothpick#we have banana the one offering We Could Cuddle. For Warmth (psych lol the straightup Wife Substitute framing) & mentioning like#henchman unrequited love? easy. but then going no wait other way around. villain taking your heart literally in their sicko mode scene....#& that angle of like underneath the spaghetti western is a sitcom? sidekick + quasi reborn villain = just a couple of funny little guys#i.e. thus you can see my Maybe The Coconana Fic Is Feasible thoughts lol plus hey you don't have to live in the guest house lol#bsol#also room for Relevant joke/reference to [banana & henchman steve are doubled roles]. also maybe banana likes cocodrilo's penis music#but again it's less My Sidekick Now more [the musician doesn't wanna go see the sea lions; too easy to love; lo cocodrilo will though]#giraffe feasibly representing that best of both worlds; Earnestness & Popularity success. the musician / violeta i love lucy sitcom life.#funny little guys getting all the B Plot antics then. jason's Many Doubled Parts role? well he's been our narrator lol#btw the [everyone lives] of it all is kind of secondary lol i think it's fun that our standoff shootout counterparts both die; sure
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I'm so close to doing something very drastic
#I cannot do a single thing to save myself can I! I'm doomed to this life by the cards of fate#all I am for is to look pretty on the shelf. I'm supposed to achieve to make everyone else look better#I'm supposed to get good marks at university and never complain about the course that I had no say in choosing#but then I can't do that due to many things like the circumstances I am forced to deal with being fucking dreadful#and nobody ever thinks to ask if they can improve things! I have to improve! even though there is nowhere for me to go#how am I meant to improve. how am I meant to make things better. if I am forced into this#if YOU were on the receiving end of this cockup you'd be dropping everything to fix it but when it's me oh no we can't do anything can we#I JUST HAVE TO SUFFER#you didn't want to tidy up the lounge that was all me. I made the big leaps in clearing this room out until you forced me out of it#and then bitched about me not helping when you wouldn't let me!#I CANNOT RELY ON ANYONE BUT MYSELF!
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computer define underdog
#bluebird.txt#google search how to explode my brain with hammers to reset into a functional normal person#how fucking hadd is it to be perfect it's not that hard. you just have to do everything!#but you can never do everything. sometimes you can't even do one fucking thing.#and time moves forward so quickly. go back i didn't do it right. i need to try again. i can be perfect this time i promise.#and i can't but i can and then i can't again but i can't but i can't BUT ITS NOT THAT HARD#HOW HARD COULD IT POSISBLY FUCKING BE!!!!!!#just do it. it's not hard you can just od it. if's not rhat hRd.#JUST FUCKING DO IT#but you can't. even though it's so fucking easy. look at everyone around you doing it and they don't give half as many shits as you do#you're fighting for your fucking life tryi to come out on top and everyone's on too sipping their drinks complaining that it's a little hot#today#what i would give to feel like it was easy. what i constantly give that never feels like enough#but i will say#one of the nicest things anyone ever said to me#was my professor telling me ghat a grad student told her they wished they'd been like me when they were younger#and another two grad students just last week going out of their ways to tell me i did a good job#when that 'good job' felt so shitty i went to the bathroom to suck in my tears bc my day still wasn't fucking over#life is never over it just keeps going and you get up and you get up and you keep going and it's hard and annoying and i'll never be perfec#and i don't think i'll ever- apart from those brief glimpses people give me of what they truly think- ever see myself. i can only ever see#the mirror#or the inside of my eyes#but i'll never see myself as i am#so maybe i don't have to freak oht?#maybe i should just sleep#time to go listen to vienna and cry more maybe#i'm fine. i'm just tired and lazy and tirada en mi cama and can't reach my journal from here. el oh el.#save me help me. i want to feel peace. i can't wait to be older. i can't wait to find my way.#please.
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[image description: tumblr tags reading: #it is insane to me that ppl are still so reactionary abt this #oh you think restorative justice is evil and punitive justice is the only acceptable answer? #what are you a cop /end id]
"redemption arcs are toxic, you shouldn't try to fix someone!"
actually it is so important to me that being in community and experiencing human connection can save people. thanks
#reblog#i didn't relaise the internet was in its ''people can't change'' era#like sure there's some crimes that are absolutely unforgivable and that person could never be a normal member of society ever again#but that doesn't apply to everyone#a large amount of what are considered ''bad'' people can and should be redeemed and saved#and that should be shown in stories!#< prev#my stance on unforgivable/irredeemable people has always been this:#the things you have done can never be erased#there are people you hurt. there are consequences.#they may never forgive you#it may never be forgotten regardless of the present#and yk what? thats fine#part of improving is knowing that growth is not about erasing the past#the only thing you can do now is move forward#learn to live with yourself#this is something that so many people around me get wrong all of the time#they think that just because something happened decades ago#that suddenly all that hurt and trauma no longer matters#that you can no longer feel angry; that its something you can never talk about#and when you do talk about it; you must speak as if it is not them in the story#but hard fucking pill here#that IS you. you did do that. and it did fucking suck.#im not saying that you didnt change#im saying that that was YOU#both can coexist and you need to get over that#there's so much more to be said about this whole 'irredeemable person' mindset#like how theres no one person who can decide who is irredeemable and who isnt#and how trying to decide that can easily lead to bigotry#but this is the 30th tag so!!!
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