#you can want your life to be good WITH your disability still in it

[crimeronan]

ultimately i think that if you are trying to glean information about a person's real life personality or priorities or morals based on their taste in fiction then.... you are wasting your energy. like i don't even mean this in a shipping discourse kind of way, i'm also talking about like. those posts like "you like enemies to lovers because you want someone to see you at your worst and still love you" and "you like girl-next-door romance because you crave being known and loved by someone who's seen every part of you" or "you like BDSM porn because you want someone else to take control of your life."

these posts are frequently made in jest but. they drive me insane. i am aware this is a no fun allowed kind of take and i am Not trying to ruin anyone's fun, i just..... good God. can we stop applying pop psychology and freudian analysis and other such bullshit to our reading habits. please. please god. please.....

and on the other hand. if there are people already poised to take this in bad faith..... yes, of Course i'm the type of person to make this post, since i write largely horror-rape-torture-murder bullshit. and i actually would Love for people to assume i'm dangerous due to the horror-rape-torture-murder bullshit, since in actuality i am trapped in the body of a fat physically disabled soccer mom, and it sounds nice to be scary.

but like. being completely, totally, 100% sincere here. like i am not being a bitch, i am trying to impart genuine advice. IF you're spending a lot of time stressing out about what fiction does or doesn't say about you, your peers, your family, or (maybe especially) the people you dislike....

....your energy is being sucked into a black hole. Find Another Thing To Stress Over. Thank You

[afniel]

84,206: didn't I tell you I had the brainworms today? I was not even in the vicinity of fucking around. I'm just gonna slap another quote in because all the writing juice is getting used for writing.

I wish you were better too. I don't know why you aren't, either, but I love you even if you never get better forever.

This is so very blatantly written by disabled fucked-up people, about disabled fucked-up people, for disabled fucked-up people, and I love that for me and also for the rest of the disabled fucked-up people.

New Thing: to keep myself from just yelling at all times what my current word count is with no further context, I'll post it and whatever is currently happening, except it'll be a spoiler-free Describe Your Story As Badly As Possible version of what's happening (and if I can't even do that, then I can shush about the word count until I can).

So, without further ado...

Sequel word count: 10,071, and Valentina is painting X's nails, because why the fuck not, GIRLS NIGHT GIRLS NIGHT GIRLS NIGHT (even if only Valentina is a girl and neither of them have a terribly strong sense of gender to begin with).

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

[mars-ipan]

i do love my family very dearly but the internalized ableism the men in here struggle with is. so much

[virtue-boy]

Its kind of insane like genuinely insane how many people on here have no idea what life is like for average people in the third world / global majority and the Neo-colonialism that creates those conditions to support conditions in the North and how insanely cruel they can be as the absolute baseline and the type of killing and death that maintains the boundaries between the north and the south.

Like tell me you've never met an immigrant or refugee without telling me. Do you genuinely not know what happens to people who get deported, or work in the farms or meatpacking factories that feed the North?? The child deaths in the border crossings? The mines all over the globe? The people that die from lack of baseline vaccinations and sanitation and healthcare trademarked by western companies? The literal MILLIONS of third worlders killed in the wars across the globe defending US economic hegemony? The agent orange, the land mines, the carpet bombing, the drones? What the fuck is wrong with you?

[it-may-be-dull-but-im-determined]

As it's also totally valid if you do happen to prefer contact lenses though, you don't have to actually buy those via your optician either - once you have your prescription and have trialled a lens brand you know works for you, there are plenty of much cheaper generics out there that you can brand match online (I use Everclears via VisionDirect in the UK) and then double checked they were safe with my optician next time I had an appt.

can we talk about how literally 64% of people wear glasses, and yet we NEVER see them in movies/tv unless it's on some nerdy or uncool character? why do we adhere to such a weird beauty standard that subconsciously makes us feel bad for,, not being able to see???

[sasquatch-turtleneck]

because jason dohring doesn't use social media ever. jason doesn't know how to use twitter or even instagram. his twitter is handled by his agent

ah, true, still i find it strange, the account liking random stuff like that.

[2024skin]

My ideal economy is highly authoritarian which sucks because who the hell is ever going to get on board with that

[wishful-seeker]

Tips on how to avoid being unintentionally ableist

1. When a disabled person says they cannot do something, and you wish to offer solutions, do not make a solution that involves them powering through pain, or something thats not accessible to the disabled.

Example:

Disabled person: "washing dishes hurts too much and i cannot do it."

Abled person: "what if you did one dish at a time throughout the day?"

This statement is not respecting that this disabled person just said they "can't". Always respect that. No matter how simple the task would be for you.

Disabled person:" i think ill use plastic silverware so i don't make dishes."

Abled person: "plastic is bad for the environment!"

This statement shuts down the most accessible and disabled friendly option that this disabled person can actually do because of the abled persons personal beliefs. This is not helpful, and ableist.

Better yet, instead of offering solutions, ask them directly "is there anything you need that you do not have that would help you do this?" This allows the disabled person to think about what would work, and they will always have a better idea of what would work than you do.

To add on to this, when we say we have no more energy to solve a problem or do a task, or change our lifestyle, we mean it.

2. If you feel discomfort when a disabled person is talking about their health, good and bad, that is ableist. Your discomfort is coming from a place that deams disabled peoples very existence as a bad thing and you need to fix that.

For example:

Disabled person:" this week has been rough pain wise, ive been through a lot, felt like my body was on fire. Lucky i got new meds though and i think they're helping!"

Abled person: "can we talk about something else, this is a bummer."

Disabled people should be able to exist freely without worrying about your personal comfort. Do you really think its appropriate to tell someone in constant pain that their life is making YOU uncomfortable?

3. Do not treat disabled people as tragedies, do not romanticize their old life or put their current one down.

For example:

Disabled person: "yeah my life is pretty difficult sometimes, ive lost a lot but i still have happy moments."

Abled person: "it makes me so sad to see what disabled people go through :(. You used to love rock climbing and running, i would love to see you move around more again."

This statement is putting more value on the disabled persons abled past, and ignoring their life as a whole.

4. Do not avoid speaking to disabled people because it hurts to see your loved one disabled.

For example: my grandmother avoids conversations with me because it hurts her to see me in pain. While she has good intentions it leaves me being unable to be close to her. This is very isolating to the disabled.

5. Do not stop inviting your disabled friend/loved one out even if they are never well enough to attend. Unless we specifically ask you to stop asking if we can go out, good chances are we want to know you still care because again, disability is very isolating.

6. When a disabled person says certain things in their health have gotten better or worse, do not challenge this because you don't see a difference.

For example:

Disabled person: "yeah things are getting a little better"

Abled person sees disabled person using their wheelchair like usual: "i thought you said you were getting better?"

Better and worse are usually small changes only the disabled experience, its not like abled people healing from a broken arm. Better to a disabled person could mean they can stand for 10 more minutes.

7. Do not expect disabled people to ever be abled again, and again, do not put more value on an abled life.

For example:

Disabled person:"I have been using a wheelchair for 2 years."

Abled person: "oh you're young, im sure you'll be walking around in no time!"

This statement invalidates and ignores the disabled persons current life by hoping they get a more abled bodied life. Its fine to hope disabled people get better, but you don't get to decide what better looks like.

Hope this helps, stay punk.

[yourlocalbreadenthusiast]

Kindly take a break from scrolling to read this, it's important.

Take your time to grieve and come to terms with the election results, but once you've done that, it's time to get to work. We have two months. And a lot to do in that time. We have to prepare, to be ready.

Be careful about what you post or say online. Anything potentially incriminating should be avoided. Threatening language, even if clearly a joke, can be used against you.

Know someone who's trans? Someone who's had an abortion? Someone who's LGBTQIA+? Someone who's an immigrant? Someone who attends protests? Someone who's disabled? Someone who might in any way be at risk due to laws being put into place? No you don't.

Move away from social media platforms and browsers that require you to use your real identity or input a large amount of personal information. Now's a good time to find alternate means of communicating online. Tails, Element, Tor, Mastodon, Firefox, and Lemmy are all decent options.

Find a community. Someone you can talk to, either online or in real life, that you'll have reliable contact with. We need to try and create a network, but one that's as anonymous as possible.

Start scrubbing your trail as much as possible. Get rid of old accounts that can still be traced to you but are no longer used, delete personal data off the internet. There are websites out there that will freely remove your data from the internet, but be careful about which one you use, make sure it's safe and legitimate first.

Change any usernames that you can that contain any personal information. Names, birthdays, anything.

Plan B has a four year shelf life. Stock up, but don't take more than you you'll need. We don't want a COVID repeat where everyone buys an excessive amount of things and leaves none for everybody else.

There are doctors that will sterilize you, if that's the way you want to go.

Stop using online period trackers right now. Delete all data from it if possible first, then delete the app itself. If you must, write it down, but in a subtle manner and on something you keep at home. Don't label it, just put the dates. If you're really worried, discard older records and only keep the most recent few, and label the dates as other random events, like "go to mall" or "chicken salad for dinner this night"

Get your vaccines now.

Save money.

Archive. We have to start collecting records, media, data, books, and articles now. On racism, on fascism, on homophobia, on gender, on self-reliance, on survival, on safe travels routes, on equality, on justice, on anything that may be useful and/or censored soon. We can't let them erase it.

Collect those online resources. Bookmark them, copy files into your storage, Screenshot pages. Create a decentralized library where everyone is working to be part of a whole, storing what they can individually and sharing it between one another. Again, be careful about doing this.

Second-hand bookstores are your best friend. Books are usually very cheap in them, and they often have a decent stock. See what you can find.

When buying ANYTHING I have mentioned above, or anything else that maybe put you in danger, try to use cash to reduce your spending trail.

Check your car information online, many newer models can be remotely tracked.

Turn your phone completely off if you may be at risk due to your location and current activities. Turning off your GPS also helps.

Take note of where you are. Who are your friends? Who's a safe person? Where can you go besides your own home that you know you'll be safe? Establish these connections now.

Who around you is not safe? Who and where do you need to avoid? Do you need to move? If you cannot afford moving but need to, there are fundraisers that can help you. If even that is not an option, at least try to make sure your home is secure. Have someone who can help you. Have a fallback safe place.

And finally, I want anyone with resources to put them in the replies. Flood it with useful links, information, tips, anything. We're in this together. Do not panic. Organize.

[spectrumgarden]

Becaise I'm tired of seeing this happen to other bloggers & also frequently myself:

If someone talks about being unable to do something without assistance due to a disability, and how that influences their life, how that dependency on others is scary and can be exploited etc. And your only response is "I experience this except I end up doing the thing by myself because no one helps me". and then they tell you "hey, you deserve to get support for this when you need it. but this is actually not the same as my experience because if i do not get help i absolutely can not get it done by myself. Like I'm fully unable to do this." And your response is to get mad / accuse them of trying to be "divisive" / telling them they're dismissing your struggles / blaming them for your feelings about this response essentially / calling them ableist for literally just pointing out the fact that there is a difference between these situations / etc, then you are the problem.

Just for a minute try to imagine what it's like. That you can not do something without assistance. Let's say you absolutely can not drive a car even if your life depended on it. You completely rely on being driven around. You can not do anything that requites a car without another person being physically there the entire time and holding the steering wheel. And tons of people see you talk about that and join in with "yeah I also can't drive in theory, but I still do it because I have to because my life depends on it". That does not feel good. That is a constant reminder that hey! Other people can totally do this even though its hard! If your support vanishes you can not do this thing your life depends on no matter how hard you try! The voices of people who actually experience the same thing as you get drowned out in the flood of these "I totally get it"s from people who do in fact, not totally get it. Because In reality, one of you is sitting behind a wheel and the other isnt and Never Will.

Acknowledging differences is not the enemy. We are not arguing about emotions here. We are literally begging people to see that two physical realities are different. And no matter how often we say that you still deserve support and that we acknowledge that things are hard and exhausting for you and sometimes even dangerous, that isnt enough for you? Every time I try to get one of these people to see reason I tell them: I know this is hard for you. I know this is exhausting for you. I acknowledge your reality. But that's not what they want to hear. So, what more do you want? For me to lay down and say "yeah actually we experience totally the same things" and then watch as the healthcare system out to save every penny tries to dismantle my support system because well, if I try really hard I'll probably get it done myself?

[thebibliosphere]

Ma'am/Sir/Other

So much of your blog is "Yaya another thing in my body broke (kill me)"

I'm not judging at all, cause I'm also dealing with that somewhat but,

In the most polite manner possible;

How the fuck do you manage to function without killing everyone around you in a bodily pain induced rage.

Body hurts too much.

But in all seriousness, therapy and a whole lot of radical acceptance.

I don't approve or like what’s happening to me, but realistically, there is no way to avoid it, so I either have to accept it and make changes to my life or reject it and increase my suffering.

It might take me a while to process this change and there might be a few screaming breakdowns in the interim (”it's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair!”) but after a long time of doing this type of therapy, I’ve gotten good at holding my own hand and holding myself through the despair.

It’s a bit like being my own gentle parent. Like “hey bud, I know this sucks and you’re feeling a lot of big emotions right now. And I’m not asking you to stop feeling them, but I do need you to eat and drink before you get sick, okay? Okay, you’ve had some water, do you want to try for a shower? No? Okay, let’s go back to bed for a bit. We’ll try later... Cry it out if you need to. I’ve got you.”

Probably sounds bonkers to some people but it's the only reason I’m still alive.

My support network is wonderful and they do so much to keep me going, but it wasn't until I allowed myself to feel my emotions and self soothe through them that things got better.

I can’t change what has been done to me. I can’t change the dynamic nature of my disabilities or the fact that parts of my body will continue to break down. But I can accept myself and say, this is the way things are: react accordingly for our continued survival.

Radical acceptance isn’t about approval or giving up. It's a stress tolerance skill that lets you look at some of the worst parts of your life and go “fuck this sucks. Okay, how do I make this suck less?” and then following through on it.

It's a skill that takes a long time to build. But it's well worth investing in.

[cookinguptales]

You know... I had an experience about two months ago that I didn't talk about publicly, but I've been turning it over and over in my mind lately and I guess I'm finally able to put my unease into words.

So there's a podcast I'd been enjoying and right after I got caught up, they announced that they were planning on doing a live show. It's gonna be near me and on the day before my birthday and I thought -- hey, it's fate.

But... as many of you know, I'm disabled. For me, getting to a show like that has a lot of steps. One of those steps involved emailing the podcasters to ask about accessibility for the venue.

The response I got back was very quick and very brief. Essentially, it told me to contact the venue because they had no idea if it was accessible or not.

It was a bucket of cold water, and I had a hard time articulating at the time quite why it was so disheartening, but... I think I get it a little more now.

This is a podcast that has loudly spoken about inclusivity and diversity and all that jazz, but... I mean, it's easy to say that, isn't it? But just talking the talk without walking the walk isn't enough. That's like saying "sure, we will happily welcome you in our house -- if you can figure out how to unlock the door."

And friends, my lock-picking set is pretty good by this point. I've been scouting out locations for decades. I've had to research every goddamn classroom, field trip, and assigned bookstore that I've ever had in an academic setting. I've had to research every movie theater, theme park, and menu for every outing with friends or dates. I spend a long time painstakingly charting out accessible public transportation and potential places to sit down every time I leave the house.

Because when I was in college, my professors never made sure their lesson plans were accessible. (And I often had to argue with them to get the subpar accommodations I got.) Because my friends don't always know to get movie tickets for the accessible rows. Because my dates sometimes leave me on fucking read when I ask if we can go to a restaurant that doesn't keep its restrooms down a flight of stairs.

I had one professor who ever did research to see if I could do all the coursework she had planned, and who came up with alternate plans when she realized that I could not. Only one. It was a medical history and ethics class, and my professor sounded bewildered as she realized how difficult it is to plan your life when you're disabled.

This woman was straight-up one of the most thoughtful, philosophical, and ethical professors I've ever had, one who was incredibly devoted to diversity and inclusion -- and she'd never thought about it before, that the hospital archives she wanted us to visit were up a flight of stairs. That the medical museum full of disabled bodies she wanted us to visit only had a code-locked back entrance and an old freight elevator for their disabled guests who were still breathing.

And that's the crux of it, isn't it? It's easy to theoretically accept the existence of people who aren't like you. It's a lot harder to actively create a space in which they can exist by your side.

Because here's what I did before I contacted the podcasters. I googled the venue. I researched the neighborhood and contacted a friend who lives in the area to help me figure out if there were any accessible public transportation routes near there. (There aren't.) I planned for over an hour to figure out how close I could get before I had to shell out for an uber for the last leg of the trip.

Then I read through the venue's website. I looked through their main pages, through their FAQs to see if there was any mention of accessibility. No dice. I download their packet for clients and find out that, while the base building is accessible, the way that chairs/tables are set up for individual functions can make it inaccessible. So it's really up to who's hosting the show there.

So then and only then I contacted the podcasters. I asked if the floor plan was accessible. I asked if all the seats were accessible, or only some, and whether it was open seating or not. Would I need to show up early to get an accessible seat, or maybe make a reservation?

And... well, I got the one-sentence reply back that I described above. And that... god, it was really disheartening. I realized that they never even asked if their venues were accessible when they were booking the shows. I realized that they were unwilling to put in the work to learn the answers to questions that disabled attendees might have. I realized that they didn't care to find out if the building was accessible.

They didn't know and they didn't care. That, I think, is what took the wind out of my sails when they emailed me back. It's what made me decide that... yeah, I didn't really want to go through the trouble of finding an accessible route to the venue. I didn't want to have to pay an arm and a leg to hire a car to take me the last part of the journey. I didn't want to make myself frantic trying to figure out if I could do all that and still make the last train home.

If they didn't care, I guess I didn't either.

If they'd apologized and said that the only venue they could get was inaccessible, I actually would have understood. I know that small shows don't always get their pick of venues. I get it. I even would have understood if they'd been like "oh dang, I actually don't know -- but I'll find out."

But to be told that they didn't know and didn't intend to find out... oof. That one stung.

Because.... this is the thing. This is the thing. I may be good at it by now, but I'm so tired of picking locks. I'm tired of doing all the legwork because no one ever thinks to help me. I'm tired of feeling like an afterthought at best, or at worst utterly unwelcome.

If you truly want to be inclusive, you need to stop telling people that you're happy to have them -- if they can manage to unlock the door. You need to fucking open it yourself and welcome them in.

What brought all this back to me now, you may be asking? Well... I guess it's just what I was thinking to myself as I was tidying up my phone.

Today I'm deleting podcasts.

[hurtblossom]

Traitor C.L.16

Pairing : Singer!reader (female) x Charles Leclerc

Summary : Broken promisses, broken trust, broken heart

Warning : angst, again with the terrible english, Charles being a bitch. Happy begginning, not so happy ending.

NO HATE TOWARDS ALEX ! THIS IS JUST FICTION !

Face claim : sabrina carpenter

Masterlist

smaud

liked by charlesleclerc, landonorris and 10'980'356 others

Tagged : charlesleclerc

ynusername pretty boy ❤️

see all 10'764 comments

username the song ????!!!!

username IKR ??? like? miss gurl, give us details ??!!

ynusername that's for me to know, and for you to ...

scuderiaferrari our favorite couple

ynusername can i be a certified F1 driver too

scuderiaferrari no.

ynusername i've always like McLaren better

mclaren it means a lot to us, but we won't let you drive

ynusername now that's just rude

charlesleclerc pretty girl ❤️ liked by creator

liked by charlesleclerc, landonorris and 12'657'990 others

Tagged : charlesleclerc , scuderiaferrari

ynusername 🏎️🌶️🍒

see all 10’546 comments

username love love love

charlesleclerc mon cœur

ynusername my love

scuderiaferrari red looks devine on you

ynusername you know what would look even better on me ? an F1 car

scuderiaferrari still a no

landonorris i think you’d look better in papaya

mclaren agreed

charlesleclerc no.

liked by charlesleclerc, landonorris and 11'437'667 others

Tagged : charlesleclerc

ynusername ❤️🤭

see all 15'564 comments

username new song

username i'm praying for an album

ynusername 🤭🤭

charlesleclerc 😘❤️ liked by the creator

alexandrasaintmleux you're so pretty 🩷

ynusername omg tysm you're so pretty 🩷

liked by charlesleclerc, landonorris and 10'768'443 others

ynusername 🧚‍♀️

see all 13'876 comments

username no charles in the tags

username yeah weird right

alexandrasaintmleux beautiful, as always 🩷 liked by creator

username charles didn't comment ?

username for real? like, what is going on ?

liked by landonorris, carlossainz and 15'768'546 others

ynusername 🥀

comments have been disabled

liked by username and 67'893 others

f1updates Charles Leclerc seeing in Monaco with mistery girl. It doesn't seem to be Y/N. What is going on? Trouble in paradise ?

see all 6'098 comments

username what the actual heck?

username well that explains y/n's post

username they broke up ? who knew ?

username WAIT ISN'T THAT GIRL ALEXANDRA ? liked by ynusername

username the one that commented on some of y/n's post ? username she liked the comment. must be her indeed username so much for beeing a girl's girl liked by ynusername

ynusername story's

francisca.cgomes girl? what happened ynusername i can't even explain it kika

a month later

liked by landonorris, carlossainz and 20'565'091 others

ynusername emails i can't send is out now on all platforms ❤️

see all 15'867 comments

username served omg ???!!!

username ikr ?? miss girl ate and left no crumbs

username CHARLES MARC HERVE PERCEVAL LECLERC WE NEED EXPLAINATIONS AND THEY BETTER BE GOOD ONES

username he's been reaaally quite username as he should username "how you ran to her the second that we called it quits" charles you lost all my respect

username "all i ever wanted was to be enough" ???? charles you better sleep with both of your eyes open.

username wait because The grudge is just so real

username did you listen to Vicious??? "Said that it was me for life, now you kinda acted like i died". I'll find you Charles. username y'all are sleeping on L'amour de ma vie. I felt the "it isnt asking fo alot for an apology" username she exposed alex with we're not alike ynusername tbh all of the songs ate, if i do say so myslef, babes ❤️

landonorris great album ! proud of you 🧡

ynusername thank you lando 🧡

scuderiaferrari we'll be listening to it in the paddock

mclaren no we'll be listening to it. She's ours now ynusername now now children, don't fight over me

carlossainz you did an incredible job hermosa, as always

ynusername gracias cariño 🤭

THE END (for now)

let me know if i should make a part 2 xx

max's ending

[hussyknee]

Wonder how far I can prod libs into finishing their full thought bubble behind all this "harm reduction" "genocide is a single issue" "you don't care about marginalized people in the US" "dyou want fascism WITH genocide???" screeching.

Okay, class, say it with me: "I don't want to live in a third world country like the ones we keep destroying."

Because you know. The countries your war criminal leaders keep bombing and starving and destabilising and leeching dry? We don't have trans or gay rights or women's rights or disability benefits or environmental or labour protections. No one would want to live in our countries obviously. You'd kill yourselves before you had to live like we do. Sure, we're only like this because you keep us trapped in poverty and violence and we still have full, happy lives worth living despite it but that's because we're used to it! We don't know any better! Not like you! You know what you deserve and you shouldn't have to lose anything as a consequence of your own political choices! Your government is supposed to happen to other people! Not you! So like, yeah, it's bad that the poors are being massacred wholesale or whatever, but like. That doesn't mean you gotta die with them, y'know? And by "death" you don't mean actual genocide like what's happening over here but "death" as in "having to live like we do".

The trolley problem metaphor is so goddamn attractive to you because you see yourself outside the tracks, objectively assessing the situation and making the "tough" "moral" choice for the collective good. It's imperialist horseshit. You don't have a democracy and it's not a trolley. What you have is an imperial death machine running on an apartheid system that decides who gets fed to it and who gets fed by it. That's your "two tracks"— the colonized and the colonizer, the core and the periphery, the white and the coloured. "Harm reduction"? Have you counted how many fucking millions in and around the world your death machine eats to keep how many of you "safe"? But our losses are a foregone conclusion, a matter of course, a regrettable necessity. The only variable is yours.

Every political choice in 200 years of your settler colony has been "genocide AND". "Genocide AND women's rights". "Genocide AND workers rights". "Genocide AND fascism". "Genocide AND democracy". The difference is that for the first time in your history you're now watching it livestreamed to the entire world in real time 24/7, exactly as your colony is about to capsize under the weight of its own bloodlust. A sea change from when your parents threw parties watching bombs dropping on Baghdad and then spent twenty years watching movies about sad it made the soldiers.

How do you count the victims when we are numbers and you are people? You scream about trans rights in the US while Palestinian trans children don't have the right to reach puberty. OSHA for you but Congolese children have to die in mines. Reproductive rights for the US while Sudanese women are raped in millions. Yes, but it's always been "genocide AND" no matter what, right? Do we want to sabotage the party that has never fucking cared about us and don't now even with half their own country screaming at them on the off-chance they might possibly maybe one day do?? Why are we acting so mad like it's YOUR fault that you're fighting for your quality of life over our corpses?? Do we want YOU to lose your rights over it??

Yes, actually. We do. We want you to have a taste of the reality that generations on generations of your illegal illegitimate white supremacist occupation has inflicted on us just so your worthless hide can sit there and call our genocides a single fucking issue. And let's be real: that's what you're so fucking afraid of.

[vamptastic]

been starting to realize that ive been doing Real Bad for a Real Long time and it's a bit scary. ive upped my antidepressants which should help in a couple weeks (and them starting to wear off is probably what caused the depressive spiral, tbh). and honestly just knowing what's going on and being able to take active steps to fix it instead of feeling like ive just suddenly lost my ability to be a whole human person is helpful.

but god it's so scary that i was like that for months and didn't really notice. i mean, obviously i knew things were bad, but i was really attributing it to a personal inability to keep up with the expectations around me and not realizing i was mostly struggling so much because my mental health had tanked. i managed to scrape my way out of this one without crazy longterm damage, beyond worrying some teachers, missing the early application deadlines for a couple schools, and overall reinforcing the idea that i am unwell and not to be trusted with my parents, but it's very demoralizing to know that even though i work very hard when i'm able to there will probably always be periods in my life when my depression impedes me from amount of work expected of a normal human being.

i mean, i'm still in high school, and i couldn't keep up with just coming to school every day and keeping up with classwork. i'm not saying this makes me a terrible person, contributing to society isn't what gives someone worth, but i know i'm capable of more without this setback and it's frustrating.

just, i don't know what i'm going to do once i live on my own. having people around me who can look at me and say 'hey man you are clearly going through some shit take it easy' is the only way i can snap out of episodes like these thus far. ive been looking forward to college and feeling like my life and time is going towards a meaningful purpose for so long and i am going to be so, so upset if i fuck it up.

it just hurts having high expectations put on me, i guess. i don't want go on a litany of gifted kid woes or whatever but i am very intellectually intelligent and adults have looked at that and assumed i must succeed and if i'm not i'm not trying hard enough. it's great when i do achieve something big and i get to fulfill those expectations but i just don't know if i can, in the long term.

i struggle with such basic parts of being a functional adult. and i know my parents and teachers do just want me to be happy and don't care if i don't end up where they thought i would, but it just always feels like there's this better version of me out there if i could just stop missing school and stop procrastinating and really apply myself. but when i DO apply myself i quickly burn out and enter another destructive spiral.

there's not really a point to this, i guess. just that i want to succeed and i don't want to fuck it all up for myself because my brain tells me it doesn't matter for a few months. it does, when i'm not depressed i do care, so so so much, and i hate having to fight myself for what i want.