#you can always tell how gay i am by how much effort i put into drawing blorbo stuff

[totallyhinged]

i’m normal about him i swear

find me elsewhere: p*treon | e*sy | insta

[sixhours]

i know you by heart - chapter 6

Series Chapter Index | Read on AO3 | Complete

Rating: Explicit, 18+, here be smut Series tags: The Last of Us, The Last of Us (HBO), Prospect, Joel Miller x Ezra, Joel & Ellie, Ezra & Cee, Joel is bad at feelings and relationships, Ellie is a little shit (affectionate), mostly follows canon after season 1, SMUT, gay sex, bisexual!Joel, period-typical homophobia, alcoholism behavior, light angst, angst with a happy ending, romance, age gap (~10ish years), I've probably forgotten some so please let me know <3

Chapter notes: Look ma, no smut! Sorry, things are still rough for a l'il bit. Shit's getting plottier. CW for some alcoholic-like behavior, so y'know, take care of yourself.

(Also, I recognize that technically Sarah died the day after Joel's birthday, but in my head, it's all one big, awful day for him.)

“Are you mad at me?”

Her voice is so small when she asks the question, seated at the kitchen table across from him as he changes the dressing on her burn. She’d stubbornly refused his help at first, but applying the gauze and tape one-handed was trickier than it looked, and she eventually caved, trudging downstairs to sit at the kitchen table while he goes over the burn care instructions from the clinic.

“Damn right I am,” he growls, narrowing his eyes as he dabs salve on the gauze to prevent it from sticking to the damaged skin before lightly recovering the wound. He finishes applying the last piece of tape, then he sighs and sinks back in his seat, rubbing his eyes. ��No. That ain’t it. I’m not…mad, Ellie. I’m just worried about you.”

He swallows hard, choosing his next words carefully, always on thin ice.

“We can’t keep goin’ like this, kid,” he murmurs. “You gotta start talkin’ to me.”

“I know,” she whispers, biting at her lower lip. “Ezra said I should tell you.”

The name puts a lump in his throat. He pretends to be very interested in putting the first aid supplies away. “He did, huh?”

“But I knew you’d try to stop me.”

“Yeah, I woulda,” he snaps, then sighs when she winces. “I just…I don’t get what you were thinkin’, Ellie. But…I want to understand. I’m tryin’ to.”

He tucks everything back into the plastic box and latches it, shoving it aside before turning to meet her eyes, trying to keep his voice soft and level. “Can you help me understand?”

She flinches. “It’s just…every time I see that stupid scar, I remember…I remember them. Riley and Tess and Sam and Henry and…it’s like a big fucking flashing sign reminding me that they died for nothing–“

“That’s not–“

“No,” she cuts in. “You wanted to understand and I’m trying to fucking tell you so just let me talk.”

He sits back, stung. “Alright.”

“This stupid scar…it was supposed to mean something. But it didn’t work out, and now…it’s just a reminder of everything I couldn’t do. And I didn’t want to look at it anymore.”

“That wasn’t…Marlene should never have put that on you,” he says. “You’re just a–“

She scoffs. “I’m ‘just a kid’, right? Because that’s all I’ve ever been. Marlene didn’t ‘put that on me,’ Joel. She believed in me.”

Her fist clenches on the table, and all Joel can think is how much it must hurt, the way her forearm tightens, pulling at the damaged skin. His hand reflexively comes out to cover hers, but she yanks it back.

“You don’t know what it’s like to grow up without anyone . You had your brother and Tess and…and Sarah. People who needed you. But all I had was Riley, and even she fucking left.

“But Marlene saw me and it was like…like I was more than just another dumb FEDRA kid. She knew my mom, she…knew me before anyone else. And she gave me a purpose. And every time I look at that stupid scar, I…I’m just…it’s like I lose that all over again.”

His hands twitch with the effort it takes to restrain himself from pulling her into his arms. The only thing that stops him is shame, the knowledge that he’d been the one to put a bullet between Marlene’s eyes, and what Ellie would think of him if she knew.

“Baby girl,” he begins slowly. “ I believe in you. Tommy an’ Maria an’…an’ Ezra. We’re all here for you . We need you . Not your immunity, not some…some fairytale cure. Just you, Ellie.”

She rolls her eyes. “Yeah…I know.”

He shakes his head, takes her face in his hands as she’s trying to look away. “No, I don’t think you do. And you need to get it through that stubborn head of yours before you hurt yourself again, y’hear me?”

She looks like she wants to say more, but doesn’t. She just nods, eyes shining. And then he can’t resist, leaning in to place a kiss on her forehead, standing so he can pull her into a hug.

“C’mere.”

And she does, wrapping her good arm around his waist, pressing her face to his chest.

“You…are the only thing that matters here, Ellie,” he says softly. “You. Just you, kid.”

Summer bleeds into fall and Ellie goes back to school. Her arm heals, the old scar covered by a new one that doesn’t betray her immunity. For all Joel’s reservations, the burn seems to have helped put something right in her, and she comes back to him in increments.

She’s eating again, sneaking her portion of venison steak onto his plate and stealing his dinner roll when she thinks he’s not looking. She even suggests they set up a weekly dinner around the new fire pit while the weather holds. She meets him at the stables after patrol so they can walk home together. The light slowly comes back into her eyes.

She’s still seeing Ezra. Joel is not.

They sit on the back porch together at night and he shows her the basics on her guitar, but he can’t bring himself to play. When thoughts of Ezra surface, he pushes them roughly aside and turns back to her. This is what he knows, this is what he’s made for. It’s for the best, he tells himself, and it’s even easier to believe when Ellie smiles.

But sometimes at night, when his body aches from a long day’s work and his mind refuses to still, he misses him.

And then it’s the worst day of the year.

They have an understanding–no presents, no parties, there’s nothing to celebrate. But he compromises because it’s Ellie and because she’s warming up to him again. They’ll have dinner at home, just the two of them. He thinks he overhears something about a cake. Maybe they’ll eat outside and look at the stars.

It’s a plan, but it doesn’t stop him from counting down the late September days with dread and wishing he could sleep through it. Ellie’s presence soothes the ache, but at times like this it’s a band-aid over a gunshot wound.

Tommy doesn’t question it when he asks for an overnight patrol shift the night before, a double, returning in the late morning. He intends to wear himself out, come home, and sleep until dinner.

When the sleep part doesn’t pan out and he has nothing better to do, he drinks. He drinks until his personal stash is depleted, desperate to kill the hours. The Bison doesn’t open until four, but he can’t stare at the ceiling for another second, so he puts on his boots and goes for a walk.

And then he’s standing in front of Ezra’s house. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he thinks this is probably the post-apocalyptic equivalent of drunk-dialing his ex, but his judgment is too far gone by the time he finds himself on the porch, knuckles tingling from the knock.

Ezra looks him up and down, forgoing the greeting.

“How far down the rabbit hole are you, songbird?”

“Not far enough,” he mutters. “Can I come in?”

There’s a moment where he’s sure he’ll be turned away. Hell, if the roles were reversed, Joel would probably tell him to fuck off. But Ezra opens the door.

“I have a prior engagement,” he says, clipped, nodding at the closed office door. “Twenty minutes. You can wait in the kitchen.”

Joel nods mutely, aims his steps down the hall. After only a fleeting hesitation, he helps himself to the liquor that Ezra keeps in the cupboard. For strictly medicinal purposes, he’d once said with a coy little smirk, and Joel had rolled his eyes. Now he thinks this is exactly the kind of medicine he needs, and he doesn’t have to show his face at the Bison to get it.

He’s two more drinks in by the time he hears the front door open and close, then Ezra’s footsteps in the hall.

“Ez,” Joel nods, already feeling the effects. He’s been generous with his pours.

“Songbird,” he murmurs, eyeing the half-full glass on the table, the bottle looking leaner.

“I ran out,” Joel mutters, holding up his drink. “Figured it’s a commune. We share.”

Ezra grabs a glass from the cupboard, slides it across the table, and lets Joel pour. He tops up his drink as Ezra takes a seat.

Somehow he’s both too drunk and not drunk enough for whatever comes next.

“To what foul fortune are we drinking at,” Ezra pauses, squints at the clock, “two in the afternoon?”

“Forgetting,” Joel says after a pause.

“To the dissolution of memory,” Ezra murmurs, touching their glasses and downing his portion with a grimace. Joel doesn’t flinch. The smack of the empty tumbler on the tabletop is overloud in the tiny kitchen.

“Let us put our cards on the proverbial table. If you’ve come here after having partaken for the purposes of an errant fuck,” he says, spitting out the last consonant with emphasis, “you’ll find yourself sorely disappointed.”

Joel winces, feels the words hit like a well-deserved slap. “S’not why I’m here.”

“Ah. Then do you intend to tell me why you’ve decided to grace me with your presence?”

He opens his mouth, closes it again. Maybe it’s the alcohol slowing his tongue, but he doesn’t think it’s just that.

“I jus’…”

I miss her.

I miss you.

Ezra studies him, something sharp and curious in his gaze. If Joel weren’t so deep in his melancholy he’d be embarrassed, maybe even ashamed, but Ezra doesn’t look put out, only resigned. Concerned.

He’s too damn quiet either way.

Joel blinks, tries to shake off the sadness that’s taken root, tendrils of sorrow twining around his ribs, making his chest tight. He can’t, of course. It never goes away, just loosens its grip enough for him to keep breathing.

“She, uh…she died today,” he whispers. “Sarah. My…my daughter.”

Ezra eases back in his chair, tilts his head. Joel faintly recognizes it as his counseling pose. Open. Waiting. But his tongue feels stuck to the roof of his mouth and the world has gone fuzzy and he thinks he might be crying but his face is numb.

“Never saw her fifteenth birthday. She’d be thirty-six now…if she’d made it. Thirty-fuckin’-six. That’s…shit,” he laughs humorlessly. “Same age I was when she died.”

Ezra is kind enough not to point out that you could throw a stone anywhere in the town of Jackson and chances are good you’d hit someone who lost a loved one on Outbreak Day. Tonight the Bison will be busier than usual, most of its patrons trying to numb the day away in the same fashion. It wasn’t a revelation.

But it always seemed like a pretty big “fuck you” to Joel to be forced to reckon with his birthday on top of all that.

“Gunshot,” he says evenly. “Couldn’t even bury her. Jus’ left her in a field south’a Austin an’ went on our way.”

His words are slow, fat and syrupy in his mouth.

Ezra leans forward, rests his arm on one knee, peering into Joel’s face. His eyes have gone soft, and it’s too much like pity.

“Prob’ly still there,” he whispers.

Time begins to slide sideways. His eyelids feel heavy, his head filled with sand. He’s on his knees and her blood is drying tacky on his shirt and Tommy is screaming at him to get up, get up, we gotta go , but he’s weighted down, his little girl has never felt so heavy in his arms, cold and still as stone. He’s pinned in place like a butterfly under glass, his baby is gone and he might as well be dead, too.

And then Ezra is standing, taking Joel’s hand, leading him upstairs. He slouches in the bedroom doorway, vaguely aware of the sounds of a shower starting as he tries to shake off the vision of her hand lying limp against his arm. There’s a light touch on his waist, asking permission with the lift of an eyebrow before he’s stripped down methodically and pushed gently toward the bathroom with a hand between his shoulder blades.

Forehead pressed to the tile as the water rolls off his back. Blood, so much blood, the water should run red, but it’s clear. The creak of the faucet turning, the warm rush of water gone, a towel being scrubbed over his shoulders. A hand herding him back into the bedroom, pulling back the covers. The bed is soft, softer than he deserves. The harsh scrape of curtains being closed and the room dims.

Joel flops onto his back, feels the bed spin underneath him, watching through slitted eyes as Ezra moves around the room. Focusing on him, him, him so he doesn’t slip back out of time.

There’s the clunk of a glass of water being placed on the nightstand and Joel reaches out blindly, finding Ezra’s fingers with his.

“Stay.”

A sigh. “Sleep.”

“Can’t…can’t do it,” he mumbles. “Can’t do it again.”

“I know, cher .”

“Mmm. Stay,” he tries again, but the hand is gone.

Ezra whispers something about a gentleman, taking advantage, sleep now . The words barely find him through a thick haze of exhaustion.

“Since when’re you a gentleman?” Joel slurs, rolling over so his words are muffled by the pillow.

A low chuckle as fingers card through his towel-damp hair.

“Sleep, songbird.”

He wakes and the light is all wrong. It’s too dark, for one. It’s not his room, for another.

“Shit,” he hisses, mouth dry as sandpaper. He makes it upright, still a little woozy, caught somewhere between inebriation and a hangover, and stumbles into the bathroom to put on his clothes.

Downstairs, the only light comes from Ezra’s office as music plays low on the record player. Ezra gets up from the couch as Joel squints into the lamplight.

“He lives,” Ezra says drily.

Joel swallows hard, fighting the sudden urge to vomit, and leans against the door frame. When he opens his eyes, Ezra is standing in front of him, brow arched.

“Perhaps I spoke too soon.”

“I, uh…m’alright…”

“You crashed spectacularly,” Ezra says. “Do you recall any of it?”

He wracks his brain. “I…had a few ‘fore I came over, an’…think we…we talked…”

“Indeed. Then you sang, you danced, got down on one knee…”

Joel’s heart is suddenly beating too fast. “I–what?”

“I’m pulling your leg, songbird,” Ezra says, lips curling in a smirk. “No, you did nothing untoward, save for interrupting my last session of the day a few minutes early. And drinking half my liquor, I’ll add.”

“S’pose I deserve that,” he says, breathing a sigh of relief. Then another thought occurs to him, one that sends a hot flush up the back of his neck. “We didn’t, uh…y’know. Did we?”

A dry huff of laughter. “No, we didn’t.”

“Good…I mean, not…I mean…I, uh, wanted…wanted to…not that I wanted–fuckin’ hell,” he groans, stomach roiling again.

Ezra quirks his lips but doesn’t speak, waiting for Joel to recover.

“Look, I, uh… I know you…were just lookin’ out for Ellie before. I stuck m’foot in it. I’m real sorry for that. I just…it’s just, uh Ellie, she’s, uh…she’s doin’ better, an’…that’s...”

He trails off.

…Ellie…something about Ellie…oh…

“Fuck,” he groans. “What time is it?”

“Not quite ten.”

Dinner. He was supposed to be back for dinner.

“Fuck, I gotta…I gotta go.”

“Well. I suppose I should be glad I could be of use ,” Ezra says, lacking his former levity. “Any port in a storm, is that it?”

“No, no, that’s not…shit,” Joel growls, turning to grab his boots, making for the door. “I didn’t mean to…I promised her I’d…I just gotta go.”

“Yes, you’ve made that perfectly clear,” Ezra sighs, his disappointment palpable. “Crystal, in fact.”

“M’sorry, Ez, but…I’ll…tomorrow? Can we just–”

“I think we’ve drawn this out quite enough,” he says flatly. “Goodnight, Joel.”

The door slams behind him, leaving him little choice but to go home. Home, where his kid has been waiting for hours while he’s been sleeping off a bender at his…at Ezra’s.

Fucking fuck.

She’s sitting at the kitchen table with her journal. He suspects there are some choice words in that book for him now, but anger would be preferable to the look in her eyes.

If Ezra’s disappointment stings, Ellie’s is a knife to the heart.

“M’sorry…I’m late,” he says, feeling every bit the asshole he knows he is. “We can still eat if you–”

“Ate already. There’s leftovers in the fridge,” she says flatly. “And a cake. Maria helped me make it. It was supposed to be a surprise.”

“You didn’t have to do all that,” he says roughly.

She bites her lip, chewing it, fighting some internal battle before sighing and asking the question.

“Were you with Ezra?”

He opens his mouth to protest, but she snorts. “Don’t bother. You’re shit at hiding things, y’know.”

He doesn’t know what to say to that. Of course she’d known. Hadn’t Ezra told him as much?

A knack for seeing things exactly as they are.

“How long?” he whispers.

“Saw you in the greenhouse once. And that first night…he never took the album back. It’s still in your bedroom. Didn’t mean to snoop, but it’s, like, right there.”

He closes his eyes. The room seems to sway around him, nausea gripping his insides.

“Figured you’d tell me when you were ready,” she shrugs, picking at her nails. “But you never did, so…”

“El–”

“Is it me? ‘Cause I wouldn’t have cared, y’know,” she says, and the waver in her voice nearly brings him to his knees. “I don’t…I don’t know why you don’t…trust me.”

“I do, kiddo, I’m–”

“You said I matter but you can’t even be honest with me about this one stupid thing, and that…that makes me think…”

She’s crying, angry tears that she swipes away with her sleeve before they can fall. Should’ve known , he thinks dully, should have known she’d turn this on herself .

“Fuck it, never mind,” she says with a groan.

He steps forward but she’s out of the chair and already moving toward the stairs.

“It’s not…not gonna happen again,” he tries shakily. “We’re…not…anymore.”

This only seems to make it worse. He wishes she would scream at him, yell and stomp and storm around the way she used to, but now she just looks defeated.

“You’re such an asshole,” she sighs with none of her usual fondness. Then she’s gone, soft footsteps on the stairs and a door that doesn’t slam and the quiet is louder than anything.

He climbs the stairs to his bedroom. The album is still sitting on his dresser. She’s right; he never bothered to hide it. He’s a fucking idiot.

He traces his fingers over the cover and feels the tears he’s been holding back all day slipping down his cheeks.

Worst damn day of the year.

Joel wakes up to an empty house and a raging bitch of a hangover, and that sets the tone for the rest of the week.

He barely sees Ellie after that. When she’s not at school or work or training, she locks herself in her room. She misses her curfew and he lets it slide once, then twice, reasoning she needs the space. But eventually he has to put his foot down. She’s his kid and she can’t avoid him forever.

He hopes.

When she comes home past curfew the next time, he’s waiting up on the porch.

“Sit,” he says, gesturing to the spot next to him on the swing.

She rolls her eyes and moves to go in the house instead, wheeling on him when she jiggles the handle and realizes he’s locked the door. He dangles the key in one hand, cocks an eyebrow, one step ahead of her.

“You’re late,” he says.

“Pretty fucking rich coming from you.”

“Alright, that’s…that’s not the same thing, kid. I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry for that, but you can’t keep doin’ this.”

“It would appear I fucking can.”

Christ, the attitude . There’s a familiar headache forming behind his eyes and he’s fast losing control of his temper. It’s been a long fucking week.

“You can be pissed at me all you want, but I’m still responsible for you. Curfew’s eleven.”

“What was it you said? I’m not your daughter and you’re not my dad. So I think I’m done listening to you.”

His jaw tightens as he tries not to show how much that particular remark stings. He stands and glares at her.

“As long as you live under this roof, you will be home before curfew. Is that clear?”

“Fine,” she says. “Then I don’t have to live here.”

And she turns on her heel and stomps back down the porch steps. 

“Ellie! Damnit–”

She flips her middle finger up, waving it over her head like a flag, and doesn’t look back.

He has half a mind to follow her, but he knows if he does, he’ll say some shit he doesn’t mean. And so will she. And they’ll just keep circling around the same awful truth, the one he can’t speak aloud, the one she can’t admit to herself.

Instead, he goes into the house and punches a dent in the kitchen wall.

She’ll come back , he tells himself, pacing the floor and clutching his throbbing fist. She’ll come back, and they’ll patch things up and smooth it over the same way he’ll patch up the drywall tomorrow. They’ll figure it out. They always do.

But then she doesn’t come home.

He’s on Tommy and Maria’s doorstep early the next morning, when his imagination has cycled through all the worst case scenarios and won’t let him wait any longer.

“Y’all seen Ellie? She took off last night. Thought maybe she might’ve stayed here.”

Tommy’s bouncing Izzy on his hip. He shakes his head.

“Nope. Been up most of the night with this one, definitely would've seen her.”

Joel frowns, flexes his aching hand.

“But she can’t have gone far,” Tommy adds quickly. “I’ll radio the folks on the wall, let ‘em know to keep an eye out.”

“Alright…”

“Should we be worried?”

Joel bites his lip, shakes his head. “Nah. Just, uh, let me know if you hear anythin’. I’ll go ask around.”

Tommy nods. “‘Course. We’ll keep you posted.”

He waits by the school until half past eight, but she doesn’t show. Every minute she’s unaccounted for ratchets his anxiety up another notch until he’s grinding his teeth and pacing a trail between the stables, the house, and the main street in hopes of catching her.

Tommy flags him down on his way back to the house, his third such trip in the last hour.

“Hey, just got word on the radio. She’s fine. Ezra’s got her. Says she showed up last night an’ crashed with Cee.”

Joel runs a hand through his hair. “That's…somethin’, I guess.”

Tommy gives him a look that’s too close to pity for comfort. “You wanna tell me what’s goin’ on?”

“S’nothin’ serious,” he mutters. “Had a rough day, that’s all.”

Tommy smirks. “If she’s anythin’ like you at sixteen–”

“Jesus, don’t start,” he groans.

“Just sayin’, big brother. You’re in for it.”

“Yeah, yeah. Go on. An’…thanks, Tommy.”

He waits until his brother is out of sight before heading to Ezra’s.

Ezra doesn’t invite Joel in this time, just steps onto the porch and closes the door behind him.

“Hey. I, uh…heard she’s here.”

“Your young prodigy made her illustrious appearance in the wee hours. Fortunately for her I’m a light sleeper…as you well know,” he adds coolly.

Joel crosses his arms, can’t meet his eyes. “Look, I, uh…I don’t want her puttin’ you or your girl out–”

Ezra ducks his head, softening a little. “It’s no trouble. I got the distinct impression at our last session that the two of you were not exactly…simpatico at the moment.”

“You could say that.”

He lowers his voice. “In fairness, she’s been equally reticent with me as of late. I speculated that she might have felt I betrayed her trust in my conversations with you–”

Joel shakes his head. “She, uh, figured us out. Wasn’t too happy about it. Or…she wasn’t happy about bein’ left in the dark, more like.”

“Ah. Well…I suppose I am just as much to blame, then.”

“No,” Joel says quickly. “It’s on me. I shoulda…should have told her. Got too in my head an’…well, guess it doesn’t matter now.”

He shifts on his feet, rubs at the back of his neck.

“Don’t think she’d be here if she blamed you,” he murmurs. “I dunno. Maybe you can get through to her. Think I’ve done enough.”

“I’ll do my level best. The couch is hers until she’s had enough of me. Perhaps a few days of my loquacious ramblings will set her to rights,” he adds drily. “If she’s anything like Cee, she’ll be begging for peace and mercy at your door.”

“Doubt that,” he says thickly. “I guess I’ll…I’ll bring by some of her stuff. Clothes an’ whatnot.”

Ezra nods.

“Tell her…tell her I love her,” he says. “An’ I’m sorry. I, uh…yeah. I’m sorry.”

“I suspect the apology would be more effective coming from you…but I’ll pass the message along.”

“Thanks, Ez.”

He walks away. It feels too much like giving up, and the ugly bloom of failure unfurls in his gut like a poison.

Joel packs a small duffel bag with enough clean clothes for three days. After a week with zero contact, he can only assume she’s doing laundry, or she snuck back to the house while he was out and grabbed more of her stuff.

By day five, he’s making a regular stop at the Bison after his shifts when it’s clear his usual late-September blues aren’t going away. There’s a two-drink maximum, and Joel gets his daily share before going home, pulling out his flask, and crashing on the couch. Sleeping pills are hard to come by but booze will do in a pinch. He’s keenly aware this is partly what got him into trouble in the first place, but in Ellie’s absence, he’s lost his anchor and his reason to care.

Tommy sidelines him at the bar on day seven, sliding onto the stool next to him just as he’s started his first drink.

“So you gonna pull the stick outta your ass and tell me what’s goin’ on?”

Joel rolls his eyes, grunts. “Dunno what you’re gettin’ at.”

“C’mon, Joel. I got eyes. Ellie ain’t talkin’ and you’re shufflin’ around here like a fuckin’ mushroom head,” he says, eyeing the drink in Joel’s hand.

“Your wife put you up to this?”

Tommy snorts. “She’s got her hands full. I’m askin’ as your brother…and your friend. Now talk.”

“She’s mad,” he mutters, taking a long drink. “Not much to tell.”

“The fuck did you do?”

Indignance flares. “What makes you think I did anythin’? She’s sixteen. She’s gonna hate me sometimes.”

“Bullshit. That girl thinks you hung the moon. An’ you wouldn’t be out here drinkin’ yourself stupid if you didn’t feel bad about somethin’.”

It’s an uncomfortable role reversal; Joel in the hot seat, Tommy doing the grilling. He wonders when his little brother grew up.

It’s really fuckin’ annoying.

“Whatever you did, just…fix it, Joel.”

“Not that simple.”

“Yeah, it really is, big brother.”

“Tommy, I–you don’t know,” Joel growls. “You don’t know what happened out there.”

“You’re right about that. Been holdin’ your cards pretty close to the chest. But I know you, and I know when you’re lettin’ your foolish pride get the better of you.”

“If you’re so fuckin’ smart then you go figure it out. ‘Cause I’ve tried, and it ain’t workin’.”

Tommy considers him, taps his fingers on the counter before leaning in. “And Ezra?”

He stiffens. “What about Ezra?”

“Thought maybe you two were…y’know. Seemed pretty close for a while there.”

Joel glares at his brother. “What’d Ellie tell you?”

He whistles. “She didn’t have to tell me nothin’. Like I said, I have eyes. An’ you’re shit at hidin’ things.”

Christ, that’s exactly what she said. That stokes the flames of Joel’s ire even further. He's as transparent as the amber liquid he’s drinking.

“Hey, I ain’t judgin’–”

“Good.”

“An’ it’s none of my business–”

“Sure as shit it ain’t.”

“But as your brother…I only wanna see you happy. An’ the only person capable of makin’ you this miserable is you. So quit fuckin’ around and make it right.”

“Did you come here to drink or just to get on my ass?”

“Naw, I gotta go. I owe Maria a week’s worth of diaper duty for the whole Ezra thing,” he winks, hopping off the stool. “‘Sides, I’ve got early patrol tomorrow. Gotta get my beauty rest.”

Joel grunts, considers tossing his drink in his brother’s stupid, smug face, decides it would be a waste of a good sleep aid.

“Fix it, Joel,” Tommy says, clapping him on the back as he takes his leave. “S’what you do best.”

Eight days.

It’s been eight days since Ellie left him. He hasn’t been apart from her for this long in their entire history together, and it’s breaking something inside him, cracking his heart in places he didn’t know could crack. Somehow it’s worse than Sarah, because Sarah has been dead and gone for years, while he is painfully aware of Ellie’s proximity. Alive, but impossible to reach.

It’s late. He’s sprawled on the couch trying to drink himself to sleep when there’s a knock.

Hope, sudden and fleeting. Maybe she’s come home . It’s foolish to think she’d knock at her own door, but he’s just lucid enough for it to hurt when he sees Maria on the porch instead.

“Joel,” she says, an unusual tremor in her voice. His heart leaps into his throat.

“S’it Ellie? What happened?”

“Ellie’s fine, as far as I know. But we have a problem.”

He sags against the door, the emotional whiplash making him surly. “Find someone else.“

“Tommy’s patrol shift got back half an hour ago. They were attacked. They sent Peterson and James home with gunshot wounds.”

“Yeah? Not sure what you want me to do about it, seein’ as I’m not a fuckin’ doctor.”

“They have Tommy, Joel.”

The words don’t make sense.

“The fuck does that mean? Who has Tommy?”

“I need you to tell me what happened out there. With Ellie. They said–”

He draws back, some dim internal alarm beginning to sound. “Where’s Tommy?”

“They took him and they’re asking about a girl, Joel. I need to know what happened with Ellie–”

“S’none of your–”

“It is my damn business,” she snaps. “Patrollers get attacked and taken and then it’s my goddamned business.”

He closes his eyes, feels like he’s in a dream.

“Peterson said they’re holding him hostage, said something about wanting a girl in exchange. Tommy…told me about Ellie’s immunity.”

“He what ?”

“No one else knows,” she says quickly. “But Tommy said something happened with Ellie while you were gone over the winter, something with the Fireflies. And now we’ve got people out there who made a coordinated attack, and they’re looking for a kid, and they…they have my husband.”

It’s here that her voice breaks, her careful mask of competence cracking.

“I need to know what happened out there, Joel,” she continues, composing herself. “If these people have some kind of vendetta, I need to know what we’re up against.”

“Fuck,” he breathes. “I can’t–”

“You can catch me up on the way to the clinic,” she snaps, offering him no other choice. “Let’s go.”

The walk to the clinic in the cool night air is enough to sober him up. It takes all of five minutes, but Joel doesn’t need that much time to explain.

He left a lot of dead Fireflies in a hospital in Salt Lake City, including one of their leaders.

No, there were no survivors.

No, Ellie doesn’t know.

Maria remains neutral, offering only grunts and nods in response. When they arrive at the clinic, he takes her by the arm and turns her before they go inside.

“Ellie had nothin’ to do with it, y’hear? I don’t want her payin’ for what I did.”

“I don’t follow.”

“I’m just sayin’…if this is happenin’ because of the shit I pulled—”

“We’re prepared to deal with them.”

“Does ‘deal with them’ mean turnin’ her over to the Fireflies? Because I ain’t about to let that happen,” he growls.

She draws back. “What? She’s my niece , Joel.”

“Yeah, an’ now Tommy’s in trouble ‘cause of me ,” he hisses. “An’ we both know you didn’t want me here.”

“No, I didn’t at first,” she sighs. “But I was wrong. And we don’t know for sure that we’re dealing with Fireflies. For all we know they could be raiders trying to take us for supplies. Wouldn’t be the first time.”

“Look, I’ll do whatever you want as long as Ellie is safe. She stays in Jackson. That’s all I ask.”

“Of course,” Maria says, then shakes her head in disbelief. “Did you really think I’d turn over a child, Joel?”

“You an’ I both know, times like these, worse shit has gone down.”

“Not on my watch, it doesn’t,” she says. “That’s not how we do things. And you sure as hell better plan on sticking around because if this shit goes south, I’m not raising two girls on my own.”

He swallows hard. “Alright. Tell me…tell me what to do.”

“Peterson just got patched up. I want you to hear what she has to say while it’s still fresh.”

Joan Peterson is sitting on the hospital cot, one arm bandaged with gauze. Joel knows her as a fellow patroller, a short, level-headed woman who knows her way around outside the walls.

“Just a graze,” she says, nodding at the bandage. “James is still in surgery, he got the worst of it.”

“How’d they get Tommy?” Joel asks.

“They fired and missed. Horse got spooked and threw him. They had us surrounded and he was the first one they grabbed. Held him at gunpoint.”

“You think they were Fireflies?”

“I don’t know. They could have been, but…it was getting dark. I couldn’t see much, and it’s not like they carry a flag or anything.”

“You’d know,” Joel mutters. “The Fireflies weren’t great about keepin’ a low profile.”

“They looked pretty ragged,” she offers. “So probably far from home, not locals. None of ‘em looked familiar.”

“How many?” Maria asks.

“At least six that I saw, but there coulda been more hanging back. Like I said, it was getting dark. We didn’t have the manpower and they had Miller, we couldn’t risk it. That’s protocol,” she adds, glancing at Maria for confirmation.

“And they said somethin’ about a kid?”

“Yeah, they said they’d trade Miller for ‘the girl’. Didn’t give us a name or anything. They said we’d know what they meant.”

“Was there anything else?” Maria prompts.

“No. Just…we need to get our people back out there.”

“They’ll have the advantage in the dark,” Maria bites her lip. “The council will put a group together tonight…we’ll ride out at first light.”

“I’ll be there,” Peterson says seriously.

“You’re hurt–”

“Just a scratch. I want to get those sons of bitches,” she scowls. “We won’t let them get away with this.”

“Thanks, Joan,” Maria says more softly.

They leave the exam room and step into the hall.

“Does that sound like Fireflies to you?” she asks, turning to Joel.

“S’not common for ‘em to take hostages, far as I know…but it’s not unheard of. If they’ve been keeping an eye on this place they know they can’t bomb their way in. We’re too well-guarded for that. But if it’s the Fireflies I knew…they ain’t stupid. We don’t wanna underestimate ‘em.”

Maria nods pensively. “They’re convinced we have someone they want, so we have to assume they’re watching. I’ll go to the council about putting extra folks on shift at the dam and the outposts, just in case.”

“If it ain’t the Fireflies…what then?”

“The same. We get Tommy back,” she says, eyes going dark. “And we don’t give them a chance to do worse.”

They agree to meet in a couple hours with the rest of the patrol group to go over the plan. Maria tells him to rest up and he gives her a look.

“I will if you will,” he says.

“Fair enough,” she says. “See you soon, Joel.”

He returns to the house. He almost goes to check on Ellie first, to let her know where he’ll be in the unlikely event she decides to come home, but stops himself. He has to focus on getting Tommy back, and there’s no sense in worrying her.

There’s a knock at the door while he’s laying out his gear on the kitchen table. Joel prepares himself for another conversation with Maria, maybe something she forgot to ask, but then Ezra is standing in front of him.

The expression on Joel’s face must give him away, because Ezra holds up a hand.

“Your young prodigy is copacetic, all things considered,” he says before Joel can ask. “May I come in?”

“Uh…sure.”

“I heard there was an attack.”

Joel swallows hard. “Yeah…I’m headin’ out in a couple hours. They, uh…they got Tommy.”

His eyes widen. “Your brother…”

“Yeah,” he says, then his stomach sinks. “Shit…does Ellie know?”

“No, I specifically–”

“Good,” he cuts in. “Keep in that way. Last thing I need’s her goin’ off on some harebrained mission to get herself killed.”

“Is that what you’re doing?” he says softly.

“No,” Joel shoots back, returning to his backpack, tugging at the straps of the bag to loosen them. “Maria’s got the council on it. We’ll take care of it.”

“I suspected you would be called up, as it were. I suggested she might want to join me…reconcile with you before you leave. She was unresponsive to my counsel, so unfortunately…I’ve come alone.”

“Yeah,” he says, swallowing his disappointment with a measure of relief. “Prob’ly for the best.”

“I haven’t darkened your doorstep on behalf of your young prodigy, though,” he hesitates. “I came to warn you…I fear you and your compatriots are walking into an ambush.”

“Yeah? Tell me somethin’ I don’t know,” he sighs, checking the batteries in his flashlight.

“I told you before about Damon and the group we escaped. And my concern is…I suspect he’s not stopped looking for us. For Cee.”

“You think he wants his kid back?”

Ezra nods. “I do believe that is the case, yes.”

“Why?”

“I…suspect it does not sit right with his massive ego to have been…bested by a cripple and a little girl. He is more than capable of holding a grudge. And though I am loath to think of what might happen to her if she were to be returned to him…he is, within the bounds of the old laws, her rightful caretaker.”

“Well…what does Cee want?”

“She doesn’t have an opinion on the matter because she believes her father to be dead.”

Joel stops, turns back to him, meets his eyes. “An’ why would she think that?”

Ezra doesn’t answer, but he doesn’t need to.

“Christ,” Joel mutters.

“I told her what she needed to hear to…encourage her to leave with me.”

“Fuckin’ hell, Ez–”

“The mere fact of my deception changes nothing, Joel. Every utterance, every word on the matter stands true. Cee was in grave danger–”

“How do I know you’re not holdin’ that girl hostage or somethin’?” Joel spits through gritted teeth.

Ezra scoffs.

“No, you tell me right now why I shouldn’t go tell Maria and the rest of the council that we’re harborin’ a kidnapper?”

“Because you know me, Joel,” he says softly. “You know I could not fathom harming a hair on that little bird’s golden head, let alone actually committing such a heinous crime. You’ve entrusted me with your own girl’s care and you know in your heart of hearts that I have no desire to do anything untoward. More than that…you know what treachery lies beyond these walls. You’ve known that life, and you know her place of safety was tenuous at best.

“Trust that I would have happily taken Damon’s life myself if granted the opportunity. And I came here to tell you that if you get the chance…I’d suggest you take it.”

Joel considers him, breathes an angry sigh, then turns back to his bag and unceremoniously stuffs the rest of his supplies in, cinching the top buckle tight.

“Could be anyone. Raiders, Fireflies. No way to know ‘til we’re out there,” he bites out. “Seems we both have shit to answer for. Just have to see who’s doin’ the callin’.”

Ezra ducks his head, frowns. “I’ll owe you a great debt if–”

“Don’t,” Joel snaps, then bites his lip, softening. “Look, if anythin’ happens out there…Ellie…she, uh…she’s better with Maria now but she’s not–they’re not–”

Ezra puts his hand on his shoulder, the touch startling him into silence.

“You’ll come home. And we–she–will be here when you do.”

[the-togepi-man]

How do you deal with loving multiple people? I've been with my BF for almost a decade and I love him to pieces. Over COVID I made a new gay friend and started having feelings for him. We've hung out a few times and there's always this tension and pretty obvious desire between us. Still I prefer monogomy and wouldn't betray my partner like that. I talked to my partner about these feelings and he gave me a hall pass to fool around with my friend but I felt like that just made my feelings more complicated. Now my friend just recently got into a new serious relationship and I'm really happy for him but also it sortve broke my heart? I just feel like the most selfish person and I don't really have anyone to talk to about these feelings. Everyone has been understanding but I just feel like a monster all the time.

Awesome question, anon I'm going to put the tl;dr up here, then do more under the cut. I feel you, friend. There are days I still wake up and think "I don't deserve this. I don't deserve the love or kindness or patience to figure this out." "Some people search their whole lives for someone like my partner. I am spoiled and bad for loving more., wanting(?) more." But that's not true. You learn by unlearning. Love isn't something that can follow a textbook definition. Relationships are complicated and intricate and trying to put them in a category is stressful and will make you feel bad. I can speak on that from example right now. I love Sean so much that I can't imagine a world where I am not supporting and loving him and saying "thats my man." But I am also quite frankly, falling for another friend who I have been falling for for a few months now.

You learn to accept loving multiple people when you realize your human experience is yours alone to act on

I wont lie and tell you I have all of this beat. I still worry that I am the right thing for Sean (my partner.) I worry that he is one of the most amazing people I have met in my entire life and that he deserves so much more than what I provide. However... I have talked to him about it. And something he loves about me, is that I have that capacity to love. Not to mention, people are not meant to "belong" to someone. If he was unhappy or saw no future, he could have cut this off and lived a life of his own choosing. That's how relationships work. Who I am and WHAT I am bring something to his life that helps he grow and provides something that he wants to nurture and love. I am insanely proud of you for talking to your partner about your feelings. A lot of people don't make it that far. Some relationships don't survive that talk. So talking to your partner as the first step is incredibly powerful. Keep that dialogue open, allow for them to have a space where they can dip out, but also let them know how much you appreciate being able to share these feelings and work through them together.

It sounds like your partner is aware of your feelings and understands that life isn't black and white, and the norms we have established as a society. I think it might also worth be exploring why *you* think you prefer monogamy. Personally I think monogamy is all well and good, and while i wish I could just be a "one and done" kinda guy- I know that's not my heart. I have two friends who have been together forever, and they are also open. While one does fall in love, he also knows he is monogamous in that regard because he just doesn't have the time to provide for two people personally because of how busy his life is and will be. But that doesn't mean he loves anyone any less, he just has his definition of love and what he's looking for. I think in a relationship, if you show that you care and provide and put effort in to that bond, that's what counts. Sean has no doubt in his mind that I love him and still love him even when I've fallen head over heals as I have for someone while I write this. After all, love isn't a pie chart. You don't love one person 70% and another 30%. Each person is their own precious bond, so why should you have to assign them basic terms when that just doesn't do? In my heart I know my love for Sean hasn't wavered at all. So I continue to show that. My partner (and maybe partners one day) are a prize to be won every day, so I will always make sure I follow that philosophy. All this is to say, you have to create your own definition for what love is based on how you feel and what your morals are. It sounds like you're going about this in a way where you're the only one who is really in danger of getting hurt, and man, more than anything I feel you. You're not carrying that weight alone. I can't say it's easy, nor is there a right answer. If the guy I'm in love with (who isn't Sean) got in to a relationship right now, I know it would really do some serious damage to my heart. But that's what I told myself might happen, thats part of being in love and caring about someone. You want to see them happy. It could happen while single too. It's just how life goes. I talk to Sean about it all the time, and how scared I get that he might leave us- even though he's not even *with* us. I am really rambling here, but I guess I am just trying to say that, from what you've said- You're operating as a good person. You love your partner, and have love in your heart for others. You are acting with kindness, you are acting to make sure that nobody besides you feels bad. Your feelings are valid. No matter what anyone says, your feelings are valid.

The human heart isn't something that operates on logic. It follows no societal norms, it challenges your brain, and refuses to silence itself. Which is exactly why you need to listen to it, if only to help yourself understand that your world isn't black and white. You are not evil for loving more than one person.

Keep trucking, anon. Don't beat yourself up over who you are, and show yourself some kindness, as you clearly do for everyone who is involved with you

[somebodytoloveslog]

Larissa Weems helping reader to deal with comphet <3

(she’s so queer I love her 😭)

"Hello, everyone! I'm thrilled to share this with you because I just ordered my first lesbian flag after a long journey dealing with compulsory heterosexuality (comphet). One thing that's been incredibly helpful for me is thinking about the wonderful headcanon that Mommy Rissa proudly identifies as a lesbian and buys LGBTQ+ items to avoid appearing straight (my favorite headcanon is that Larissa is a lesbian, yay!). So, here's my one-shot about Larissa coming out, dedicated to anyone dealing with comphet. <3 Love you all.

AND THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO VOTED IN THE LAST SURVEYYY I MADE BEFORE

For the past few months, you've been grappling with comphet, feeling pretty terrible about yourself. How can you accept that you're a LESBIAN while, at the same time, not fully embracing it? Pride month was set to begin at your workplace next week, and in the spirit of celebration and self-acceptance, your boss encouraged everyone to proudly represent their identities through their attire. But what in the world were you supposed to wear? You had lesbian merchandise you'd ordered from Amazon (which you hadn't opened yet due to your insecurity)…

The day to showcase your pride at work was tomorrow, and you had decided to do nothing out of the ordinary. Just another regular day in your usual life, right? No, not at all! You couldn't help but notice everyone putting in their best effort with their outfits, rings, mini flags, and even food ("Who are these people? They're usually so apathetic at work. I didn't expect the entire office to be so gay," you thought while making your way to your desk. To your surprise, you seemed to be the only one without anything special.

Well, except for your boss, maybe. She was your sole friend at the office since you were relatively new.

During lunchtime, you sat beside your boss, and oh, your boss – you'd fallen in love with her, but she was your friend, and more importantly, YOUR BOSS. She immediately sensed that you weren't in the best mood that day.

And then, she asked, "Honey, are you okay?" The tears welled up in your eyes quickly upon hearing her question.

"No, I'm not okay. I need to talk to someone about something that's been weighing me down," you confessed nervously, your hands becoming sweaty.

"Do you feel uncomfortable around LGBTQ+ people, y/n?" Her tone shifted suddenly, sounding both puzzled and slightly upset, but she remained kind.

"No, I'm not trying to say that. Well, yes, but what I'm trying to say is that I'm queer too. I know I'm a lesbian, but at the same time, I'm not. Do I sound stupid? Because I feel incredibly stupid right now," you stammered.

She chuckled before rolling up her sleeves to reveal the most beautiful lesbian bracelet. You tried to say something, but the words escaped you in that moment.

"Honey, you are a lesbian! It doesn't matter how much you doubt it. I know because I'm a lesbian too, and it took me a lifetime to realize it," she excitedly shared. "Let me tell you the whole story of my coming out and realizing that I'm a lesbian."

…

Initially, when Larissa was in her 30s…

Larissa had always been a lesbian, but she struggled to accept it. She was perpetually insecure about her attraction to men. If she were honest with herself, she'd always enjoyed the attention she received from men. She liked the way men admired her, and she mistakenly conflated it with genuine attraction.

One day, while working on her laptop, she stumbled upon a webpage that immediately grabbed her attention: "Do You Really Like Men?" The title was slightly humorous to her because that was a question she'd been pondering for a long time. "Hmm? I'm pretty sure I like men. I mean, I've had plenty of boyfriends in the past, even though they weren't really my type…"

Her breath caught for a moment as she finished reading the page, and she was shocked. "Then, am I a lesbian?" She looked at herself in the mirror, fighting back tears because of the silly but painfully accurate webpage she'd found a few hours ago.

Over the next few weeks, she found a new job opportunity in another country, far away from her parents, family, and friends who hadn't yet realized that she was trying to embrace a more 'lesbian' look. Perhaps they thought she was just going through a mid-30s crisis or something. She'd even cut her hair short and started dressing in more masculine clothing, but it felt absurd – she didn't feel like herself.

By the time she turned 32, she had become the boss at "Nevermy's Office," which worked closely with a company that helped private schools enhance their teaching quality and more. Her hair had grown long again, and she had returned to wearing dresses and short skirts that she adored. But there was a significant issue: all the men in the office kept trying to date her nearly every month, while no women, not even in the entire office, attempted to approach her.

The next Pride month was approaching, and she was excited to finally do something to show everyone that she wasn't into men. She purchased a small lesbian sunset flag (although she hesitated because she didn't want to be too conspicuous)…

Over the next months and years, she promised herself that she would wear something – a pin, a bracelet, a ring – to subtly signal her LGBTQ+ identity. To her surprise, most people noticed right away, and the men in the office stopped pursuing her for dates.

As Larissa shared her journey, she gently took your hand, revealing a beautiful lesbian flag bracelet of her own. She smiled warmly and looked into your eyes.

<3

[dipperscavern]

Hi dippy!!! I know I’m late but congrats on 1k! The celebration idea is pretty epic. I’ve never seen someone do something like this before on here. Would ya mind if I got a fortune telling?? I’m not sure how to go about this so I’m just gonna turn off my brain and ramble. I’m sorry if this becomes too long 😅

I’m 4’10” (stumpy asf ik) and petite but curvy in “all the right places” as I’m told often. I’m black and an #audhdgirly (autism and adhd) so I am pretty awkward, shy, blunt/straightforward, energetic, and very quiet. That quiet shit goes out the window the moment i get to talking about one of my special interests tho (I could ramble on for hours without realizing it which can sometimes be embarrassing). Sarcasm goes straight over my head (bc of the ‘tism). I am always doing something to stimulate myself but I’m clumsy and often find random marks on me that make others concerned. I scare my loved ones often because when I’m overstimulated I tend to go nonverbal and find small, quiet places to be in alone and also bc I tend to go mia or wander around while lost in my head. (There has been too many instances in my life where a full on search party has been sent out to look for me when I’m literally just like under my bed, or in my closet, or something.) I have sensory issues like no fucking other and I’m incredibly creative for no reason at all. I enjoy spending time with my loved ones even if it’s being with them while they do something they like while I do my own things, or just sitting in silence with them (especially if I’m overstimulated) but I also cherish my alone time. I love physical touch (unless I’m overstimulated). I’m a cuddle bug (especially bc im cold all the time. like seriously it’s a problem). I am also very emotional and have meltdowns pretty routinely when upset. I do struggle to showcase my emotions physically (bc of the ‘tism) so most people don’t realize I’m upset until I start crying.

I LOVE food but I am a picky eater (bc of the ‘tism). My style is pretty cohesive. It’s a lot of soft sweaters, flowy skirts and dresses, tights, cardigans, mary janes, and bows in soft or deep colors like browns, tans, dark greens, dark blues, dark purples, whites, blacks, and pastels. I love books and film! I read and watch a lot of fantasy, horror, sci-fi, and mysteries. I’m really into history and love writing stories anywhere I can (I carry a journal and pen with me everywhere). I love autumn and winter so much. I love collecting things. I’m OBSESSED with music. I will listen to anything as long as I can vibe to it (from classical to heavy metal). I also play a few instruments including the violin, piano, and guitar. I really love museums, art galleries, fashion, sewing, crochet, and gardens(!). I love nature and animals so much and could wander in a garden for hours just looking at flowers, trees, other plants, and bugs and animals, and nature! I also enjoy making my loved ones things that they can use practically in their day to day life. I’m quiet but observant so I am usually able to make things that are personal to that specific person but benefit them in some way.

thank u for your congrats and i’m so glad u like the celebration!! come, come, and we shall gaze into this crystal ball of mine 🔮

oh… the one i see… are he and his friend gay? no no, wait, false alarm. ahem, moving forward — i see king in the north, robb stark. robb stark would love your curves, and tease you relentlessly about the height difference. he’d purposefully putting things on higher shelves so you need him to come get them (i hate him). robb loves sarcasm, but makes a big effort not to use it around you so he doesn’t confuse you, and would explain any sarcasm/anythign you’re confused about. he’s sooo caring about your clumsiness, always patching you up and catching you whenever you trip (you don’t know how he does it, he’s just suave like that you suppose). and robb loves quality time with u!! you guys doing your own things (as you said), but also knows when & respects when you need alone time. and robb lives for physical touch, he’s such a cuddle bug too’!!! and the garden part awh. robb taking you to highgarden once the war is over so you guys can stroll the gardens for as long as you like, as his thank you to you for sticking beside him all that time <3

[bcolfanfic]

For micah and wyatt, are they eachothers first relationship or did they date/HU with other people before eachother? I would also just love to hear more about Micah

micahhh sweet boy. he’s so much like gale in my mind. was a real quiet kid and had some speech delays from stuff w/ being a preemie. john would joke that gale was their ‘micah translator’ because he could always make sense of his gesturing and mumbling. <3 they just get each other.

he grows up knowing wyatt somewhat because he sees him when everyone gets together. but doesn't know him super well because wyatt's a good few years older than him and micah being a shy kid kinda sticks to his sister and the girls (the croz girls, naomi, the twins, helen and blakely's girls).

though when he's applying for colleges and what not he ends up goin' where wyatt's at because they have a good undergrad program for what he wants to do. social work <3

even as a college kid he's painfullyyy shy but his roommate is more extroverted and gets him out of his shell (author's note: i am introvert and my college best friend was/is an extrovert, i am projecting). takes him to a party that wyatt's at and wyatt is so :0 hey you, what are youu doing hereee?? still sees him as that shy lil kid that wouldn't hang out with the other boys at all the unit reunions. but is *fascinated* seeing him in such a different environment. and feels real protective of him all of a sudden.

wyatt texts him the next morning asking if he wants to go get hungover breakfast together, and can't help but laugh a little at how dead on his feet poor hungover micah looks lmao. but from that morning on they become buddies (:

wyatt's um ~been around the block~ and has had a handful of college hookups and boyfriends. micah sees him making out with boys at parties and that's what flips the "oh hm" switch in his brain about being attracted to him lmao. but micah hasn't done *anything* with anyone ever past making out with someone in high school once or twice.

they start hanging out more on campus after that little breakfast. throw a frisbee around, sit in the lawn chairs and yap etc etc. and one of those lawn chair yap sessions is when wyatt is like you're gay right? micah gets soo flustered bless him. but wyatt is just like lol yeah i figured, ribs him a lil about how he was always hanging out with the girls when they were growing up but didn't seem the least bit interested in any of them. asks him if he finds any boys on campus cute and micah is just like (: no (: just focused on my studies (:

which *wyatt* finds cute. tells him he should come to a party one of his buddies is throwing that weekend and ofc micah goes. finds himself switching outfits like 3 times before he leaves which his roommate makes fun of him for lmao. could mean nothing.

but wyatt can sense the nervous energy all over him, can tell he put a lil more effort into how he looks than he normally does and the cogs in his head start going. tells him he looks good just because he wants to see him blush, and gets all in his space touching his arm when he's talking to him. doesn't go further than that for the moment but it's enough that micah's head is spiningggg.

micah tries to distract himself by talking to other friends for a bit, but eventually sees wyatt across the room. locks eyes with him and smiles all cute. and when wyatt kinda nods in the direction of a more isolated area of the house micah goes right over there like an eager puppy.

says he was just gonna come looking for him, wyatt is like mmm yeah? and kisses that boy good. <3 kisses him silly and blows him in an empty bathroom with the party still going on right outside the door he has him up against <3

[darcyfangirlsfrequently]

There are easier ways to keep secrets

Summary: Emily confides a secret to Penelope. Penelope, in an effort to keep it a secret, tells a white lie. Eventually the truth is revealed, and everyone has a good laugh. And maybe a relationship or two starts.

Word count: 2017

Can also be read here on Ao3

“Can I tell you something personal?” Emily asked. “Something that I’d really appreciate you not telling other people, but it’s really important to me and I’m telling you because I trust you and know you’ll support me?”

Penelope looked concerned. “Yeah, for sure. I can do important. What’s going on? Are you okay? Is this a champagne conversation or a box of tissues conversation?”

“Uh, neither? It’s really not something I want you making a huge deal out of.”

“Emily, why are you telling me, then? I make a big deal out of everything! I make a big deal about eating the last avocado before it’s gone bad.”

Emily laughed. “Okay, okay, fair point. But it’s not something that needs a big reception, okay? At least, not yet. I’m sure once I work up the nerve to tell everyone else you’ll throw me a party, but not yet.”

“Oh, this is only a temporary secret? And it’s a good, party-worthy thing? Wonderful I can do that. Yes yes, tell me please, tell me now, Emily Prentiss, or I may just explode.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll tell you,” Emily said, putting her hands on Penelope’s arms to calm her down. She took a deep breath before continuing. “I’m lesbian. And that is the first time I have said those words out loud to someone other than my reflection.”

Penelope’s eyes welled up, and she threw her arms around her friend. “Oh my god, Emily! Thank you for telling me! I’m so proud of you, I love you so much, I am so happy that you’re coming to these realizations about yourself, this is so great! So so great! As if you weren’t enough of a history maker already, miss First-Female-Unit-Chief-of-the-BAU. Once you tell everyone you’ll be the first openly gay female Unit Chief of the BAU, and the first gay one in general! You are just awesome on top of awesome on top of awesome. There is so much awesomeness in you, Emily Prentiss. This is so amazing!” 

Emily wrapped her arms tight around Penelope. “And this is exactly why I told you first. You are truly such a great friend, Penelope.”

Penelope was hugging her so hard they were swaying from side to side. “I’m. So. Happy. For. Youuuuuu.”

Emily laughed. “Thank you. Seriously.”

“So… any ladies you have your eye on? Do you have a girlfriend? Is that why you told me?”

“No, no girlfriend yet.”

“Yet? Oh so there is someone.”

“There is a… person of interest,” Emily conceded. “Although I highly doubt that will go anywhere, but it’s okay. I’m just… happy for the realization. It’s nice to be able to put a name to this way I’ve always felt, and how different it is, you know? I was told how I was supposed to feel, and with guys it never made sense, I didn’t understand. But now… wow. They weren’t exaggerating.”

Penelope giggled. “No, they were not.”

***

Penelope came nearly running up to Emily the next day with her quintessential I-did-a-thing smile. “So, I did a thing.”

Emily smiled at her. “I gathered. What thing did you do?”

Penelope extended her hand, showing Emily a ring that appeared to have some sort of sunset gradient on it. “I got you this ring. It’s kind of a subtle lesbian flag design. I thought maybe if you wanted to wear it, it may be a nice way for you to subtly hint-slash-come out to the team and see how long it would take them to notice you were wearing it, but also if you don’t want it that is totally and completely cool because this needs to happen on your own timeline and no one can force you to tell anyone because that’s literally traumatic.”

“Thank you, but I’m just not sure I’m ready for that,” Emily replied. “I think I want to adjust to being out to one person before I’m out to everyone.”

“That makes perfect sense. In that case…” Penelope slipped the ring onto her own finger. “I shall wear it in support of you because you are my friend and I love you, Emily Prentiss.” Emily grinned widely. “I love you too, Penelope.”

***

In the end, it was probably a good thing that Emily had elected not to wear the ring, because Tara’s eagle eyes spotted it right away.

“Hey, Penelope, is that ring the lesbian flag?”

Penelope lit up. She loved it when people picked up on the Pride colors she was wearing, even if they weren’t her Pride colors, and even though she shouldn’t have been surprised, because it was Tara, and Tara had a jean jacket with the pansexual flag embroidered on the back of it in flowers. “Why, yes, it is, Miss Keen Eyes.”

JJ squinted at Penelope. “Is there… something you’re trying to tell us, Penelope?”

Penelope almost denied it, but then froze. She couldn’t tell them the truth, she had to make something up. “Um, yes. I’m lesbian.” Well. That was certainly something.

Tara affectionately punched Penelope on the arm. “Hey, that’s awesome! Thanks for telling us!” 

She received warm words with similar sentiments from the rest of the team, but she’d be lying if she said Luke’s reaction, his slightly pinched face, bothered her the most. She’d also be lying if she said there wasn’t… something between them. Something he now obviously thought he had been imagining, and was actually completely one-sided. And, because he was a complete and utter angel, he’d probably feel guilty about the fact that he’d been flirting with a lesbian, even though he’d had no way of knowing. Oh, and, also, he hadn’t been flirting with a lesbian.

“I have to say,” Tara said, “I was not expecting that at all. I mean, I honestly thought you swung both ways, and you were going to say you were wearing the ring in solidarity of a friend or something, or in support of Lesbian Visibility Week.”

Penelope almost face-plamed. Either one of those options would have made more sense than the one she’d gone with, especially since neither of them were lies. But Penelope was trying to keep a secret and she panicked, so she was stuck in the predicament she put herself in. So she shrugged. “I am full of surprises.”

*** 

“You did not have to lie for me like that,” Emily told her later.

“I know, but I panicked. Whatever, it’s fine. It’s not totally a lie. I am into women, I just have to pretend I’m not also into men.”

“You mean, pretend you don’t have feelings for Luke.”

“Yeah, and I’ve been doing that anyway, so— I mean. What? No!”

Emily smirked and cocked an eyebrow at her. “Penelope…” 

“Okay fine maybe I have something of a huge thing for him but that is beside the point. The point is, I already push those feelings away, so I can do that for however long I need for this. It’s no biggie, I promise.”

***

Tara was, unsurprisingly, the most chill in regard to her reaction to Penelope’s “news.” More than anything, she was just glad it was confirmed that she wasn’t the only queer person on the team anymore.

Reid didn’t say much on the subject, just gave Penelope a hug, and occasionally lovingly rambled off some statistics to her about people who came out later in life. Penelope took note of them to relay back to Emily.

JJ, Matt, and Rossi filled their roles as supportive straight friends, even if they all were a little shocked, since they were sure she had feelings for Luke, but, after all, what did they know?

Emily worked on her confidence. She appreciated Penelope infinitely, but she didn’t want her to have to lie for too long. Plus, the team’s positive reactions only made her feel more secure in her chosen family. She knew they’d love her no matter what. 

Luke felt guilty. He’d been blatantly flirting with Penelope for years, he couldn’t imagine how uncomfortable he had made her. He hoped she wasn’t angry at him. He immediately backed off, more than happy to fill a supportive male friend role like Reid or Matt.

Unbeknownst to him, Penelope was saddened by the sudden lack of extra affection from Luke. Sure, she understood and respected it, since she knew he was just deciding not to flirt with someone who, as far as he knew, would never be interested. He was respecting her. But she missed it. Missed him. If she had ever needed confirmation that she wasn’t imagining the way he felt about her, she had it. And she could do nothing about it.

***

Emily decided she had had enough of the secrets. She wanted to free Penelope from her predicament, and, honestly, she was more than a bit curious to see if she could truly win over a certain tall, dark, and gorgeous woman that had stolen her heart, like Penelope was so certain she could. 

“I have an announcement to make,” Emily stated one morning. Her team looked up at her with expectant smiles. “Penelope and I have been lying to you guys for a few months now.”

Penelope perked up. “Oh, are we telling them?”

“Yes, we are.”

Tara looked between the two of them. “Are you two…?” Emily wondered if she heard a slight twinge of jealousy there. 

Emily laughed the comment off. “No, no, we’re not.” She extended her hand to Penelope, who handed her the ring.

JJ spoke up, confused. “Wait, what’s going on?”

“I came out to Penelope as lesbian two months ago,” Emily explained. “She got me that ring as a small gift, but said that if I wasn’t ready to wear it yet, she’d wear it in support of me. When you guys saw it, she came up with an excuse.”

Tara burst out laughing. “By telling us you were a lesbian? Penelope, there are easier ways to keep secrets!”

“I know! But I didn’t want to out Emily and I panicked. Plus I’m bi anyway so it was only really half a lie.”

“Anyway,” Emily continued. “Yeah. I’m lesbian. So now you know.” 

Emily was quickly met with the same warm reception that was given to Penelope, although it was interspersed with a lot more, “I can’t believe you guys tricked us for months.” She couldn’t have been happier in that moment.

Tara came by Emily’s office at the end of the day. “Hey.”

The sound of Tara’s voice alone was enough to make Emily light up like a Christmas tree. “Hey.”

“I still can’t believe you two pulled the wool over our eyes for months. I can’t believe Garcia didn’t squeal.”

“Nah, she’s good with really big, personal secrets. I think she might hate the idea of outing me more than she hates the idea of keeping a secret.”

“Yeah, that makes sense for her.” She looked at Emily, and something about the way Tara’s gaze traveled her made Emily heat up from the inside out. “I am really happy you felt comfortable enough telling us.”

“Thank you. I think I was just trying to wrap my head around the discovery myself, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. Do you wanna go out and get drinks tonight to celebrate?”

“Sure. Who else is coming?”

“I was thinking, maybe tonight… it would just be you and me?” Tara’s confident smile never once wavered.

Emily’s grin threatened to split her face in two. “Yeah. Yeah, I’d like that a lot.”

***

“So…” Luke started when Penelope joined him in the elevator. 

“So.”

“So… you actually managed to keep a secret for longer than twelve hours.”

She slapped him on the shoulder with her purse. “Shut up. Newbie.”

“And… you’re bi.”

“Mhm. You sound relieved,” she teased. “Are you glad I’m not lesbian?”

“Not that there’s anything wrong with it, obviously,” he answered. “But maybe, selfishly… I’m a little glad? Does that make me a bad person?”

Penelope smiled and slipped her hand into his. “Well, maybe, selfishly, I’m a little glad you’re a little glad. And I happen to think you’re a great person.”

[grilledcheese-savage]

Unironically loved The Acolyte. Got some genuine questions on why so many Star Wars fans hate it though. As someone who knows a DEEP amount of lore from both the movies and the non canon books, I feel like I’m inclined to speak on this.

Here’s some questions to ask yourself

1. Do you hate the acting and the “plot holes” or do you just hate women and gay people?

2. Does it actually break the Star Wars lore? Or does it just add more to the general universe?

3. Have you ACTUALLY watched the show up to now? Or did you just assume it was going to suck as soon as you saw Disney made new Star Wars content?

Listen, if you hate that Disney keeps throwing away shows for money, I AGREE. I hate that they seem to put 3% of effort into my favorite universe. But some of the discourse I am hearing on this show is getting eerily close to a hate crime.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, and you can tell me a definitive answer on the first three, I’d love a could discussion on this show. Free from preemptive opinions.

Spoilers now

Here’s what I liked about this show:

- I liked that they showed someone else created by midichlorians. They insinuated in the prequels that it was how Anakin was born and some people are saying that makes him not special anymore. I disagree with this because palpatine was not the first sith, if you listen to the darth plagueis story, he says “He could even use the force to influence the midichlorians to create life.” They never said he was the only person. They just said “ITS A SITH LEGEND”. Don’t you think a cult of sith lesbians would know the story of darth plagueis the wise? I mean yeah, it makes for some grey area in terms of timeline but we have 300 year old Jedi masters and he’s a sith that gets a clone in the sequels it’s not that impossible.

- I love the idea of twins when it comes to Star Wars. One dark one light.

- The costumes!!! The costumes tell a story. For one, I actually love that they aren’t weathered because this was a time of peace for the Jedi, most Jedi wouldn’t have as much time in the field to weather their clothes, so they’re very bright and colorful.

- The settings were so beautiful, and gave me MAJORRR dark fantasy vibes. Especially the space suit, it was giving a different vibe for Star Wars yet still get very George Lucas to me.

- And of course, I have to talk about the fight scenes. They are so fast it really feels like these people know what they’re doing. You can understand their train of thought in every move. It’s fun to watch.

- The lightsabers. I love seeing more yellow lightsabers and more variety. I love seeing the lightsaber whip, I need more of it tho.

- I loved Jecki and Sol, they were pretty fun and original characters. I like how morally grey Sol is, and jecki is my fave type of character… rip.

Here’s what I didn’t like:

- why did that one chick have a purple lightsaber? I was fine with it at first but now it kinda messes with how I saw purple lightsabers. I know the colors don’t technically have a meaning, or at least a set one. Especially since Samuel Jackson just wanted a purple one. But I always saw it as someone who was morally grey and walked the line between the dark in the light. Someone who has a code, but will kill for their own obligations. Which would actually work for this character… it’s the fact that the color is supposed to be rare. I always thought Mace was the first and one of the only to have a purple lightsaber. I’m not against there being multiple purple lightsabers, I just wish they explained it a bit more. Idk. This one’s just me.

- The acting isn’t necessarily bad… it just isn’t great either? Idk, I got mixed feelings. Because there are some episodes where I think “Amandla’s doing pretty good this episode playing two people.” And then I see another scene and think “Damn… I wish they chose some different actors because this is just clunky.” ESPECIALLY the children. I thought there acting was rough, but I’m pretty lenient when it comes to that because they’re kids and they’ll grow with age. Plus, it’s hard to find twins who look like amandla who can act.

-the dialogue is not great a lot of the time. But I’m a Star Wars fan, so I know for a fact that’s never been just “The Acolyte”’s problem. I think we were spoiled Andor.

- I was kinda nervous about the addition of sith witches, but that’s again, just a personal opinion. It’s not that I’m against just sith witches, I just had to get used to the idea of people other than the Jedi, understanding the force but using it differently. Which, wasn’t just an acolyte problem for me. It was a Dave Filoni adding witches to sci fi problem. It’s just, when I think “witches” I don’t think “Star wars”. Because the force isn’t really magic. But I’ve gotten more used to it the more they developed all the different tribes, and especially after watching rebels and clone wars a while back. I’m actually pretty okay with it now, it just took some getting used to, which the live action only haven’t had to deal with until Ahsoka the series, which was less of a problem because they were focused on Hayden coming back. At least in my opinion that’s how I saw it.

- I didn’t like that jecki used ahsoka moves, despite it being the past, it being the first time they duel blade, and the fact that THEY DIE so they can’t even teach these moves to people who then show ahsoka etc. It leads to my next problem,

- it kinda seemed like they were too focused on references. Like they wanted to prove themselves, like “Hey, this isn’t breaking canon, see, I know a ton about Star Wars lore!” It felt like hand-holding. It was cute the first couple times, but it wasn’t spread out enough.

- Yoda is pretty old, and this show is only 100 years in the past, right? So where is he? In fact, where are most of the Jedi masters. I’m sure a lot of them would be babies, but isn’t Shaak ti like, 240? Huh??? Where is everyone? This is probably why I was so confused in the first episode, thinking it was like, 2000 years in the past.

- and lastly, they run into the problem many prequels run into, which is, not knowing what the past of a futuristic world would look like. It’s hard to come up with, old looking lightsabers when lightsabers are inherently futuristic. Etc.

Other than that, I didn’t actually notice it breaking any canon. It should be obvious to most viewers that it’s going to end with everyone who saw the Sith, dying with his secret. That would fix the “plot hole” that they are apparently making.

Also the number one complaint I’ve been seeing is that they have a black main character, who’s a women and they automatically assume that Disney is being woke. They haven’t done anything remotely woke about this. I’ve also seen people complain that two women had a child.

They’re Sith, wouldn’t that be the OPPOSITE of being woke??? Also this is the future, why do you think that a galaxy of aliens with all kinds of genders would be homophobic? That makes less sense than them moving a birthday around. Also please remember clones exist and Anakin’s mother was a Virgin Mary.

😭💀💀💀 Some of the haters are NOT Star Wars fans and get all of their points from Star Wars theory.

[waitmyturtles]

Geeeeez -- whoa. Did that ever take some twists and turns. I Feel You Linger in the Air, episode 9: I don't think this can be meta, since I'm still sorting through my thoughts, but I'll try.

I mean, I'm shook by the end, and I don't want to jump here, but I think I have to: Jom realizes that his fate follows him. Is this a Buddhist reincarnation analogy? His lovers leave him to enter traditional/heteronormative relationships, both of them out of obligation and not out of want (or at least, that's how I'm reading Ohm's decision at the start of the series).

And so: Jom strolls onto the scene during the engagement celebration to fuck a lil' shit up? Damn. As @shortpplfedup said to me in post-ep discussion: in that moment, as Jom interrupts the dinner, are we seeing Jom realizing that he has "nothing to lose"?

Jom learns through Ming that Eaeung Phueng was caught having an affair with Maey. Fong Kaew then comes to ask for help in saving Maey. And then Jom learns that Yai will be engaged.

Jom is putting two and two together: this is a family in which the parents are starving their children of the real affection that their children desire. BOTH OF THEIR KIDS. Both of their kids are gay. BOTH OF THEIR KIDS are potential embarrassments. Their parents will NOT let their kids lead the lives they want. As much as Yai will talk to his father about the life that YAI wants to lead: his father's power will always win out, and his mother WILL go along with what his father says. This is not a family that will allow the heteronormative paradigm to change. And we are reminded, constantly, that Yai's father's career very much hinges on his children following a literally straight path.

(Let me just fucking say that rewatching Bad Buddy right now is NOT HELPING MY FEELINGS towards BAD ASIAN PARENTS at this moment, lol help me.)

Anyway, I thought an interesting parallel to all of this was Pat's shooter's James's encounter with Robert (uhhhh, wtf James, just strolling into the servants' holding area, huh? I was like, what are YOU doing here, lol.) James sits Robert down to tell him: homeboy, you gotta focus on work. And Robert's like, nah dude, too much shit's going down at home. And James is like, bruv, what do you care more about? You are going to let your work go, and let your reputation go, because you're not concentrating enough on your job? Don't mess this shit up because of the house stuff.

I am absolutely, 100% like this sideeye (-_-) re: James -- I question his motives, because we have no idea what his priorities are, and Robert says as much.

But it's interesting that we got this parallel -- one side from within Yai's family, and another side from two foreigners, both saying that family life can be enough of a distraction to take down careers. This threat transcends Thai culture, as James's and Robert's backgrounds indicate. And that the struggle that these entities have is in making REALLY SURE that the family lives are as calm and copacetic as possible so as to NOT risk the careers of anyone involved.

Saving face, anyone? The effort to save face in these instances could VERY well cost a life or lives, and I think we know that Jom knows that as he begins to embark on his risky show at the end of the episode.

He may be trying to leverage his modern perspective on LGBTQ+ equality, because -- he sees his own fate repeating itself from past to present, and vice versa. If we take the Buddhist analogy further: is this a change he needs to make in a past (or future?) life in order to stop the cycle of repeating fates in his lives?

It might be. I don't know. We could call it a clown theory, but director Tee Bundit has referred to "dimensions" in the IFYLITA behind-the-scenes videos, so I'm really not sure. But we can safely assume that Buddhist practices infuse this show (remember the encounter with the side-eye monk in the last episode), so... reincarnation is a directional possibility.

All of this to be said. As Jom's fate repeats itself, I'll also note that certain Asian cultural practices like saving face also repeat themselves (...... can't believe I'm infusing almost all of my writing with Bad Buddy these days, but alas -- Bad Buddy shows that saving face in Asian societies is well and thriving in our modern times).

And maybe this is a theme of IFYLITA -- repetition. Of Jom's fate, yes. Of saving face, yes. Of prioritizing work and reputation over a family's happiness, yes. Traditions and behaviors that get inherited and passed down through families and societies, generation after generation.

And Jom arrives on the scene to change the paradigm. We don't know what risks he and/or Yai (AND EP, AND Maey) will face, but he's about to change some shit, and we'll see what that fall-out will look like.

[thehandwixard]

um . could u give me the rain code pitch . i am still cursed with the dream specter and think i might need to play it to exorcise this

hi. so. this is going to be pretty long and slightly stream of consciousness, because i am always much worse about giving concise pitches than i think. i am also clicking my heels together in joy. its going to be very obvious that i love this game a lot... like. elevator pitch, i would give the game a solid, respectable 6/10 if ranking it purely in gameplay feel, overall execution, and the like. maybe edging closer to a 7 with its updates to performance since launch.

However, what is clear about raincode is that it as a 6 year long labor of love, and this endears me to it in the way that energy endears me to trigger happy havoc despite its flaws, its clunkiness, and its relative shortness. I would give it an easy 9/10 for the heights it strives for and the effort that went into the making of the world, the emotional resonance of the main characters, the story, the aesthetic. the psychic effects it has had on me, finally, cannot be measured. i need to find articles about gay bathouse culture for this game. thats not even a queer theme i think kodaka intentionally put in this game and trust me he puts stuff in intentionally, thats just one i keep thinking about. thats the headspace the game puts me in.

now,

THE (master detective archives/enigma archives) RAINCODE PITCH.

The danganronpa games, you know them. Kazutaka Kodaka, the writer of the games, you may or may not know that guy. I like his writing a lot since i got deeply into danganronpa in 2020. this is one of the only games i have preordered in years. He made a new game that's a 3-d mystery-adventure game. The soundtrack designer and character designer from those games are also here, and spitting. 

Raincode is a mystery-adventure game set in a unique world with what are described as “psycho-noir” aesthetics, referencing the heightened fantasy of the setting’s visuals compared to the (already electric) DR.

You play as Yuma Kokohead, an amnesiac trainee detective sent (along with several other, far higher ranking detectives) to the autonomous zone ‘Kanai Ward’ to investigate its never ending rain, its complete isolation, and the corporation that controls it: Amaterasu Corporation, its faction of ‘peacekeepers’, and its systematic refusal to let investigations be done inside or out.

The bulk of the game IS this detective work, even when you’re not working on a case. The city has several districts (with very clear class associations) that you are free to walk around in, and it uses cyberpunk aesthetics in a way that’s very pleasing to me. Kinda think splatsville but neon, its that design of.. an area thats still maybe a little too polished for a city but it has a genuine eye to how a city actually tends to look and the ways people use it and exist in it. there are quite a few incidental npcs, and i think they work well to make the city feel alive. One of my favorite aspects of the game is the goal to present a multinational setting, with stuff like signage in latin alphabets, cyrillic, kanji, and the character’s names.

I could go on about the design for a while and i have more notes about it later just. The World Is Really Cool. you know what the master detectives are? Theyre detectives sanctioned by the World Detective organization, given the title of master because of their innate psychic abilities that have been honed into forensic and investigative tools. The reason the trainee detective Yuma is an amnesiac is probably because he made a pact with a death god that links them “body and soul”, for purposes he can no longer remember and she is unable or unwilling to tell him. This pact, however, gives him his own edge in investigating. Obviously the game is centered around solving murders, though in a less personal way than in DR. Also like and unlike DR, the way you are guided into solving these murders is through a series of minigames (in a pocket dimension that is the mystery given form (called a mystery labyrinth where the psychedelic design starts to come out crazy hard)) which are. The minigames are fine, i do generally enjoy the non-stop debates from danganronpa more, but theyre well-designed and fun. The mysteries themselves are Bangers, i made it a goal for myself to at least try to solve all of the main ones by myself to test if they were good mysteries where u were given all possible information to piece together, and i never felt cheated when i didnt get it exactly right. Again, it misses some of the intense personal connection you get with some of the murders in dr with it not happening in a closed cast, but i think that the story of them is done very well. Smiles. 

And coming back to yuma, thats the other thing about this game. Danganronpa dealt heavily with exploring themes of student burnout, critiquing the justice system in specific areas like trial and (capital) punishment, etc with its characters, and where Raincode really shines in similar areas, but a little to the left. 

If danganronpa was essentially about teenagers who really didn't have much to gain from the system but useless power over other teenagers and the costs of punishing deviance from norms, raincode is grappling with power structures where adults do have a lot to gain from upholding them, especially through the politics of information. Misinformation, hiding information, even the collection and use of info. Like DR, it also has a lot of very interesting things to say about ‘giftedness’ and the way it can alienate people, though again with a strong eye in considering people without these gifts, and/or people who do not have “average” abilities and how they have to navigate this world. 

The themes are strong. I would argue the game is also edging into being about being disabled and the guilt of burdening or even just interacting others with characters like Yuma, Fubuki, and Pucci. Its really highly interesting and, thankfully Kodaka’s bottom-line touch is one of understanding. The duality of being othered by ability and othered by disability.

I think one of the things i like most about Raincode is its unflinching way it depicts the ebb and flow of our protagonists', Yuma and Shinigami’s, morals, goals, and convictions. It has a lot to say about what depending on other people means, the good and the bad of it, the ways you can be taken advantage of, and all of yuma’s relationships with the other characters showcase this heavily– how he feels about himself in relationship to them, what he wants them to feel about him, how they support him or use him. Its a game where, very plainly, you do not have all the information and are playing against sharks who will take every chance they get to puppet you around. 

and what helps, obviously, is that yuma and shinigami are delightful protagonists to follow. their dynamic is written with a lot of care and nuance and is also just. really funny.

I clear my throat. Addendum. Some things to note, about this game. We have some one piece type shit in here. What i mean by that is I respect komatsuzaki as a character designer but he makes a lot of weird choices in character design that i am unable to really understand the reason for at times. Kodaka is not getting off the hook for the writing of the characters of color, but its unclear how much.. Direct correlation kodaka’s writing and the designs have. Wont get too much into it.

The other thing i mean by that is. Transmisogyny but i put a huge “EXCEPT-” sign up. One of the best chapters of the game centers the transmisogynistic plot device of two male characters having to disguise themselves as girls to investigate a murder in a girl’s school. I am not a trans woman, but what i will say in my perspective being familiar with this trope in even recent stuff like mob psycho is that like. The characters generally can and will say edgy, really rude shit but i personally feel the game takes the stance that theres nothing wrong with crossdressing, yknow? And also the pervert character is explicitly trans-positive. That helps. Its a thing that looks bad head on and makes the pitch kind of hard because obviously its not something one expects to be any better than it looks.

Also the game is almost fully voice acted with only some incidental interaction dialogue not being voiced. The english voice actors do a fantastic job, and from what i understand many of the japanese voice actors have a lot of love for the game too (i can't speak on their performances lol)

(also theres a lot of extra material for the game in the form of dlc stories and collectable story interactions in the main game. these are difficult to know the correct time to experience them and are a bit clunky in that way but are very worth looking up when the time is right)

[cowboyjen68]

hiii how do i give hints to my dad? cause i have this childhood bestfriend (we've been friends since i was 11-12) and we're rlly close to the point that i always go to his house (and sometimes stay for a bit if me and my parents have some problems) and basically hang out in his bedroom mostly bc we watch movies or study (even tho he just procastinates while i suffer because of math) and after we hang out he basically brings me home which is the reason why my dad thinks we're a thing bc of how much we hang out. but the truth is he already has a girlfriend while I'm here hopelessly crushing on a straight girl from my school's theater club. so how do i give hints to my dad that i am definitely gay af and me and my friend are just close friends? i dont really wanna come out to him and only wanna come out to him once i go to college

I am going to answer this partially from a parent's point of view and partially from my experience of having a parent (Mom) in somewhat of a denial.

You really don't have the correct or tell him anything until you are ready. As a parent I see signs of stuff in my kids all the time. I can address those things, let them go or completely ignore and wish them away and it all depends on what it is . There is a good sized chance that your dad knows you are, at least, not straight, but he is not ready to work to change his "vision" of how he sees you or your future. But I would almost bet the seed is planted in there somewhere. However, some people are terrible at picking up any hints or clues so you can't really be sure.

If he is one of those clueless people the only way to make any headway is to be clear and forward with him. "Dad, because I love you and care about our connection I wanted you to know I am a lesbian and my BFF is just a BFF not anything more" . There is really no reason to do this until you are out of the house and in college. OR even wait until you are independent of him financially and securitywise(housing, insurance, car, phone etc.) That is what I did and Mom and Dad were pretty chill, but in 1993 I just had no real way to judge how they would react so I played it safe.

You can spend a lot of time and energy to give hints, tell your dad or not tell your dad and that decison to put forth the effort has to be for you and not him. IF you feel the need and it is important to you that you be honest with your father then that is one thing. Doing it for his benefit will do you no good. Here is how I know:

I had a best friend in college and we are still close today. He was out as gay when I met him (I was 19, he was 18) and he was the first person I told I was a lesbian sometime in our college years. He came home with me a lot (he is clearly gay even to the untrained eye) and he was pretty close to my mom and dad. Mom and Dad KNEW Shawn was gay. We both moved to Iowa City and were roommates after college and we went to my parents house on weekends for dinner or to ride the 4-Wheelers or horses.

In 1993 I started dating my first girlfriend and game out to Mom and Dad. Mom started crying because "life would be harder for me" and I remember Dad calmy saying "Doris, we have known since she was 6 or 7 AND this is Jippy (my nickname) she will be fine". SO mom and dad were clear on two things. I was a lesbian, Shawn was gay. YET she often said 'you two would make such a cute couple" Or "you know, you two could just try it"

When I married Wife (after many years together) she had finally stopped saying anything. HOWEVER when she was on her death bed and only had a day or two left in 2012, Shawn went to visit her and she told him "I sure wish you and Jippy would get together, you would make a great couple". Moral of the story: Don't waste a lot of time and effort convinicing others of your sexuality. They will think what they want and the best you can do is just live your life. Coming out to them once is enough, you should not have to continually try to "prove" anything. My advice. Don't come out while you are living with him if you think he will just ignore you or not believe you. It just becomes a hassle and unless there is some overwhelming reason he needs to know, it is work you don't need to do.

The "Happy Couple" then, and now.

[transenbyconfessions]

Tw // Queer infighting, slur mention, suicide bait

I’m so sick and tired of how people treat trans guys. Just guys in general.

I have a classmate who, when I first met them, was still closeted so a gay “guy” (they’re nonbinary). I was out as transmasc, still nervous about it. They hadn’t known very many trans people, but they did really well about it. We chatted occasionally, they apologized and corrected whenever they misgendered me, they put effort into not calling me ‘girl’ bc it was a filler word for them like how I use dude, gushed over my top surgery. Early on it was a lot of “ohymgosh I’m soo sorry I don’t want to offend you!!” And me going “nbd, it takes a bit to get used to! Thanks for putting effort into it :)”

And then they came out as non-binary. I was really happy for them at first, but the way they act towards me (and honestly also everyone else) has just.... gotten so much worse since then. They call people - people they’ve been friends with!! Other trans people!! - transphobic for accidentally misgendering them even when the person immediately apologizes and corrects themselves. Like I totally get being sensitive about it, but when you’ve been out for less than a month.... there’s an adjustment period. It sucks, I know, but they’re not doing it on purpose. One time I disagreed with them, I don’t even remember what it was over, it didn’t even have anything to do with gender, and they got huffy and said “I’ll post on Twitter that you’re nonbinaryphobic!” Like???? My good person I am Also Non-binary. And they always pass these things off as jokes when people call them out but like. It’s really obvious that they’re not.

Even worse, they’ve completely fallen down the “kam” hole. They talk about how “all men are shit/need to die” just.... in front of everybody!! They’ll say it straight to the faces of the guys in the department, especially the ones they know won’t say shit back. They’ve been particularly targeting one of the freshmen (a cishet guy) they’re constantly saying shit about him being “stupid worthless man” and even called him a faggot???? Like Hello what the Actual Fuck do you think you’re doing????? They’ve said shit like that to him and one of my best friends, both cishet guys, both some of the most respectful people about me being trans that I’ve ever met. It makes me so furious that I start physically shaking.

And on top of all that, whenever I try to steer the conversation or defend the guys, they start talking shit to me too. It got to the point they looked me dead in the eye and said “all men should die, and you’re a shitty man too.” Which is especially fucked because I’m not!!! Even a man!!!! And they know that!!! But transmasc is close enough to tell me to die with the rest of the men, I guess. It was such a slap in the face that I couldn’t even respond, I stare. But they went on later, chatting and acting friendly as if they hadn’t told me straight to my face they think I should be dead.

We’re going on a school trip soon, and I got roomed with them, presumably because we’re the only two trans people going. Just thinking about it makes me so nauseous, I’ve already had a panic attack over being alone with them for that much time. But I don’t feel like I can intrude on asking to switch with anybody, because I’m trans and I could make them uncomfortable. and I just can’t make myself prioritize my comfort over others. Anybody else who rooms with them will get shit too, and as another trans person, I can defend myself against the bullshit they say better because it’s all amateur radfem-lite rhetoric. And I‘m probably the only other student who knows enough about queer theory and infighting to fire back. So i guess I’m just.... the sturdiest punching bag. After everything they said about being excited to talk to me about being trans!!! After all the effort I’ve put into being the first to come out in the department and help my professors and peers not be uncomfortable and tip-toe around me being trans!!!! I feel angry and betrayed and sad and scared and it’s so, so fucked up. I can tell they’re doing this because they’re scared and angry but it’s making things so much worse. And now I’m stuck playing both damage control and emotional meatshield. I hate this, but I can’t stand by and just watch either. I’m so tired.

Submitted July 13, 2023

[m34gs]

What is a belief you had as a child that you no longer have? Why did that belief change?

Hi hi! Thank you for the ask! So sorry to have kept you waiting; I was working a stretch and it left me too tired to put in the effort I wanted to for this ask so I waited until I had a day off! Some of my answer gets a bit heavy, so I will put that part under a cut in case anyone wants to skip it. 💜

Some of this hurts a little to admit, but I think maybe it's good to put into words. When I was a child, I believed what I needed most in life was the approval and praise of my family. I thought that as long as I had that, I would be able to live a happy life.

That is not true. It was never true. And I didn't truly realize it until I fully moved away from the town I grew up in, when I was 23. In the middle of a the pandemic.

I had been in the closet about being queer, and I never imagined I'd be able to be open about it. I was only just starting to explore my love of horror and horror movies more fully. I was under the impression that I needed to attend church to be a good person. When I moved away, I got to be unapologetically gay in my own home. I could watch whatever movies I wanted without fear that my father would walk in and complain about how gross and bad they were...you know, he honestly tried to tell me that children cartoons I watched when I was younger were the reason I had nightmares and that Ninja Turtles (yes, the teenage mutant ninja turtles. crime-fighting turtles, a completely fantastical thing that I not only knew wasn't real but that was a massive source of comfort and joy to me when I felt really alone) were the reasons I was a sinner. I stopped going to church (partly because of the pandemic) and I realized I felt so much better when I didn't worry about other people judging me or fitting into their little mould of what is "good".

And I realized what a shitty way I was treated by my father. He's not wholly a bad person; I always feel the need to preface it with that. He does good things. He can be kind. He's just a person, not evil or pure, and unfortunately he directed a lot of his unkindness toward me. I realized I don't need him. I don't need his approval. I don't even need my mother's approval. I need no one's approval but my own. Yeah, it stings if they judge me or don't like what I'm doing, but when it comes down to it, this is my life. I realized I don't need to stress about impressing distant cousins at the family reunions, and that I don't need to tolerate the bigotry of some of my father's family. (My mother says maybe it's good I don't go to the reunions on my dad's side as much, not because she doesn't want me there, but because she hears how other people talk and she doesn't like it and she knows the things they say would upset me for sure. She's right. If I'd gone to the past few, I absolutely would've gotten in a fight, and given my newer attitude of "if you're gonna be stupid, you'd better be tough/fuck around and find out, bitch" toward people who think they can just spout whatever hate they want, I am not sure it wouldn't have been a fist-fight.)

Funnily enough, while my father can definitely tell there's a change, he doesn't meet me with the hostility and rage I was expecting. Not sure if that's a testimony of his therapy sessions and anger management courses, or if mother told him how close I came to fully cutting him off, or if my confidence scares him. Maybe it's all three. I kind of hope he is scared of me. Call me petty, but I lived in fear of him for 23 years. He can learn to fear the monster he fucking created :)

Thanks for the ask, and sorry this got a little more soul-baring than I initially intended💜💜

[sleebyfrogs]

Okay so just imagine like. You’re just a little guy. You have no parents and your grandfather who raised you has always disparaged and disapproved of the very fact that you exist, for reasons utterly beyond your control. People enjoy your presence because you’re polite and charming the same way they enjoy flowers in spring, which is to say in passing and ultimately without any real connection.

And then you meet this guy who is just like. obsessed with you. He always wants to be around you and he derives true joy from it without you having to say anything funny or clever or lie for politeness’ sake. He creates art that he loves of you and because of you. Indirectly, you are suddenly able to put joy and beauty into the world, anything into the world, because you inspire him. You never imagined you would leave any kind of footprint the way things were before, because nothing you had was meaningful or lasting. And he flatters you dreadfully, he tells you how incredibly beautiful you are, and whether you realise it or not, you can feel that at least part of this value that he has found in you, that he has given you, comes from that beauty.

And then one day you meet his friend, who is older than you and cooler than you and a lord, and so witty and eloquent that you struggle just trying to keep track of whatever the fuck he’s talking about (and he always sounds like he knows everything about it), and he’s been this guy’s friend much longer than you have, and he also compliments you on your beauty and so seemingly that is the only quality of any worth that you possess, right? And then he waxes on and on about how it’s the only thing worth having and explains that what you have is actually incredibly valuable and fragile and precious, and that you are inevitably going to lose it and there’s nothing you can do. And also he says all this while you’re having your gay awakening because he’s sweet-talking you in a way you’ve never experienced and it’s uhhhhh it’s something. So then while you’re having a complete existential crisis over this your mutual friend calls you over to show you the most exquisite painting you’ve ever seen in your life and it’s of you. You didn’t know you could be so beautiful to anyone, you didn’t know he could create anything so beautiful, you didn’t know beauty on this level could even be captured in art. And that’s how he sees you, continually, without you having to make any effort to please him? Just to be yourself is enough to have inspired this incredible thing? You might cry. And then you realise he created it here and now and of you because on this particular day of June, you are twenty years old, and young, and pretty, and once you age out of that, you will lose the one thing anyone has ever valued in you, and surely also his interest, and you will be alone again, and worthy of nothing and no one. And because you’re also twenty years old and privileged and inexperienced you’ve never learned any capacity for nuanced thoughts and say things that are incredibly rash and stupid and regrettable.

So I’m not saying Dorian did nothing wrong but I am saying in his position I’d definitely have been a vain and terrified idiot too

[jaggedwolf]

pll rewatch 2x17

Emily (and even her phone) are dragged into being secretaries for her friends’ heterosexual dramas :/ 

Emily literally does not have her own plotline this episode, she just gets absorbed into the Spoby drama. Don’t get me wrong, there’s stuff I love here, like Emily’s comically bad “Spencer is unable to come to the phone right now”

But I am pretty meh on Emily not getting her own stuff to do, and the way the disparity between f/f and f/m relationships on the show feels starker in S2

It’s good/convenient that Caleb is a newcomer to Rosewood, so that when he hacks these videos of a bunch of weirdos hanging out in Ali’s room, it’s not like he has any prior beef or knowledge that would skew his efforts

The girls all think Holden is gay because he’s never tried to kiss Aria. Aria, the one true test for any boy’s heterosexuality apparently. 

Do enjoy Emily looking a little smug as she explains what a beard is, even though everyone clearly knows.

My notes: “I’m so bored of Ezria.” Indeed.

We get another glimpse of Halloween 2008 when the girls find the threatening notes A sent Ali, which is a nice connection that episode. Ali really was experiencing it all that night huh.

Toby gets injured via the wobbliest scaffolding sabotage. A really does not want Spoby to date, is extra invested in it, and I’m unclear why. 

I mean, A threatened Ezria with reveals before but A saved Ezria via framing Noel and A has never put Ezra’s life in danger.

I wonder if it’s because Toby seems like the SO most likely to be told about A, given that he was investigating Ali’s murder with Spencer back in S1.

Most likely until Spencer’s protective instincts are kicked into overdrive here.

Toby gets to wake up to Jenna giving him all the standard abuser lines blah blah you can’t trust anyone but me blah blah no one is going to care about you like I do blah blah 

Complete with creepy leg touch that makes Toby flinch

About Spencer, Jenna says “She’s haunted”. Not that Spencer is dangerous to Toby, but that Spencer is in danger, and by extension Toby’s in range to get hurt

Again, the girls really should tell Caleb, he’s already in danger if A can see someone is hacking into their phone. A’s not gonna be like wow, I bet Aria picked up Hacking For Dummies at the Rosewood Library and is the one exfiltrating my shit

Caleb confidently saying “I can protect you” to Hanna is very funny and very dude though, like bro you don’t even know what it is, and this angle of unearned confidence will only make Hanna more certain you won’t take the threat seriously

So Hanna destroys the thumbdrive in the blender. And later throws the blender in the trash can.

Hanna commits so much waste in this kitchen y’all. She’s thrown away a blender, just opened yogurt cups, uneaten takeout, my wallet winces at all of this. 

Jenna is so fucking weird to Emily. Why does Jenna always talk to Emily as if Emily ever wanted to fuck Toby. She’s gay, Jenna. Like here’s their dialogue.

Emily: How dare you come here.

Jenna: Emily? I’d ask you the same thing.

Emily: I’m Toby’s friend.

Jenna: Well, there was a time you wanted to be more than that. Good thing he didn't feel the same way, or things would be awfully confusing with Maya, wouldn't they?

Emily: You're lucky I don't take that stick—

Jenna: Mm, careful, Emily. Misplaced anger can be dangerous.

Is Jenna just sooo distracted by her own rapey ways that she thinks everyone wants to fuck Toby. Maybe so.

Still enjoy Emily being terrible to the blind girl, always the liar most pissed at her somehow.

Oh so now Ella knows about Toby, where was this back when she thought Ezra/Spencer was a thing. Wait, didn’t Toby even come yelling in the police station about how much he loves Spencer too, while the other parents were there? Did Ella just assume Spencer was two-timing? Damn Ella

Anyway the Montgomerys are super into the Holden solution for their daughter, because they remain the silliest parents of the lot.

Spencer is so guilt-wridden about Toby. She stares through the window at his injured body instead of entering the room to sit by him. I very much enjoy how much the show has her brood, Spencer at heart should be a noir detective brooding through rainy windows

Spencer: Jenna's right. I'm putting Toby in danger, and I've always known it.

Emily: We've always done everything we can.

Spencer: It's not enough. It'll never be enough. I need you to do me a favor.

Emily: Anything.

As kicked puppy as Toby is this episode, I obviously care more about the Spemily angle here, where Emily agrees immediately even though she knows how deranged Spencer can get and does ultimately go through with the plan.

And the genre gender inversion of sorts, where Spencer, Emily, and Jenna are the actors upon Toby, while he is the acted upon, the one that is protected or hurt or violated

I like Emily’s little vest in the hospital scenes

I...have nothing to say about Ezra getting inspired by this random-ass student that we’ll never see again, other than I hate him. Not just for Ezria, but also because he stops his car in the middle of the road while it is raining to make out with Aria, thus blocking traffic. Park your damn car.

Got distracted wondering if the Hastings move when your daughter is dating an authority figure you don’t like is to hire a PI to follow him specifically to snag a photo of them kissing so that you can get him super fired and blacklisted everywhere.

Fields move would be police police police, Marin move would be to go :/ :/ but not actually do anything about it

While Toby and Wren talk I wonder if the show ever passes the reverse Bechdel test. I hope not.

Caleb goes to Spencer and Emily to offer his hacking services. They really are the investigative ringleaders this season, and Caleb once more proves himself to be the most integrated SO

Spencer discloses to Caleb that Jenna is trying to frame them, Garrett is helping her, and that Ian’s confession likely isn’t the full story. 

Not a bad set of facts, but it does overstate their certainty on the Jenna question, which will lead Caleb to focus on her

[hadenclairee]

"I think you're going to hell but I love and support you"

This is gonna be rambly, mainly because I just wanna get these thoughts out before I finish my coffee, and because I currently don't have a therapist, so you're just getting the raw thoughts:

I simultaneously admire, respect, and feel pity for my mom.

When I first tried to come out, she thought I was telling her that I was gay. She told me, with tears in her eyes as she pulled me in for a deep hug, "I love you, and you know how I believe and that I think you're going to hell, but I love you so much, and will always be here for you"

When I actually came out and told her I was transitioning, I told her that I knew she'd have big feelings about it and I'd give her space to process. Weeks later, when we finally talked about it, she said what I feared most: that she was "grieving" her son. But then she told me that she respected me and wanted to keep her "grieving" to herself and process it without dragging me down, so I gave her space for a little longer.

And she also said she still thought I was going to hell, but that she loved and supported me.

I worried about what "support" meant. She still didn't use my pronouns at the time, but I noticed she'd avoid using any pronouns at all for me, especially around my (very transphobic) dad.

She did, however, give me some things for my hair when I started growing it out, and advice. She did, however, buy me a very lovely (and flattering, feminine-looking) cardigan. She did, however, take me on an impromptu shopping trip one day -- a swing through Walmart to grab some things on the way back from my niece's volleyball game, and a detour to Walmart's makeup section.

She did, several times, acknowledge that I'm "becoming a woman" and refer to my sister and I as "the girls".

When I found out I'd been put on the schedule for a bottom surgery consult with my #1 choice of surgeon, I asked her if she wanted to go NYC with me for the appointment, and also be my caregiver through the process. She said yes. In NYC, now that I'm finally starting to pass, almost everyone we encountered treated us (my mom, my sister, and I) like any other group of women. We got greeted with "Ladies!" more than once. I got to hear my mom use my pronouns and refer to me as her daughter for the first time, and then the entire time we were up there.

But once we were back, the next time I was at their house, as Dad did his usual thing (of only acknowledging me as "son" and rolling his eyes when I refuse to respond to that), Mom went back to either misgendering me or not gendering me. And at the end of the night, as I got ready to go home, she pulled me into a hug and quietly apologized and said she'd try to get it right.

The other day, a transphobic relative messaged me on Facebook with exactly what you'd expect: A rambling message about how I'm going against God's design for my life, and am disappointing both him and my parents, and ending with a note about how they're praying for me. I mentioned it to Mom, and she asked to see the message, and then said "you know, I agree with them, but you are an independent person who can make your own choices. Just know that in my belief system, those choices mean you're going to hell, and I do pray for you every day. But I love you and I'm going to support you no matter what."

As I drove home, she texted me to say that she definitely didn't mean any offense and that she really does love me, and want me to be happy, and that she'd do her best to keep her beliefs regarding me going to hell to herself.

Yesterday, at our extended family's Easter get-together, I showed up dressed and presenting more explicitly femme than ever. Nobody in our extended family (almost all Pentecostal Christians) really made any effort to interact with me. My dad, a Pentecostal preacher who's basically made a point of never talking to me about my transition, but begging relatives to pray for me behind the scenes and constantly vague-posting about the prodigal son on Facebook, was there and blessed the food but didn't speak to me at all.

But my mom? She came right up to me and hugged me and told me she was glad to see me. She said my hair looked lovely. She asked about the dessert I'd brought. When I left, she kissed me on the cheek in front of the other relatives and told me to drive safe and text her when I got home.

And today, I come across a post from Abraham Piper, who talks about how everyone feels bad for kids in fundie families, but nobody really feels bad for the parents. The parents, who are thoroughly convinced that their child is doomed to eternal torment for not sharing their beliefs. The parents, who also believe they'll face eternal torment if they don't continue holding those beliefs. The parents, who are every bit as indoctrinated to those beliefs as I almost was.

And it's just striking to me, that my mom really, sincerely believes I'm going to hell - not even for sin (we've discussed it, and she's not sure if she sees transitioning as a sin) but for not believing in the same things she does. But yet, other than a couple of slips that she's genuinely apologized for, she doesn't try to hang that over me or use it to guilt me. She tries her best to support me in ways that matter to me, even though her husband (again, a fundie preacher) doesn't agree with her and there's starting to be obvious tension between them.

I wonder about her Christianity. I know she was taught the same things I was taught growing up, about the KJV being the word of God, and being wholly and completely literal, and that she was a taught a theology where Hell was central.

I think I should tell her about the journey I'm going through. The last update she ever got on my religious beliefs was in high school, when I pronounced that God wasn't real, and that I was an atheist.

Would it heal her heart to know that I'm now - more than a decade after I left church and Christianity behind - deconstructing the faith I was taught growing up, and falling back in love with Christ and learning how to be a Christian in a wholly different way. Would it help her to know that I have a relationship with Christ that doesn't involve a belief in Hell at all?

Or would she see this as heresy, and dig in further to her taught beliefs?

I don't know. Maybe I could hope for her to be on the way to deconstruction? But it must be so hard for her. And I have to try so hard not to be wounded by her beliefs when, if not for a few circumstances, I'd probably hold the exact same beliefs, even when they hurt me. She clearly hurts so much from her beliefs. Can you imagine believing that your daughter is going to burn for eternity, but also that you needed to respect and honor her boundaries, and also supporting her transition fully, all while you have a Pentecostal preacher for a husband?

I love her so much, and I hope she can be free from Hellfire theology and doctrine eventually because she deserves to be liberated.

We all do, and I think that's what Easter is all about. Christ liberating us all from the threat of hell - regardless of who we are, what we've done, or what we believe.