#you are a symptom of my mental illness
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please please please get out of my head
#ive spent my life thinking in monologues to people#obviously it changes sometimes but i think it mostly remains the same#started with my parents in my head as a kid#then the great depression hit and i have no idea what my thoughts were till 2013#then anubhavi with sprinklings of joy and vanshika and some other people for a while but they were all distractions#and then it was saumya for a very long time#and then it was the girl who shall not be named#and then it was you#and ive gotten so intimate to so many people so theyd because the person im monologing to in my head#but theyre just small breaks#no matter how hard i try the default comes back to u#i hate u#i dont want to say anything to#you are a symptom of my mental illness#i do not love u#u dont even exist#please leave me alone#i dont think the universe wouldve let u be on my mind for so long if u didnt want to be#please get out#idk how but i need u to stop existing#i need u to stop taking dares involving me and i need u to not think ahout my boyfriend or prom or how ugly my hair is#i need u to go back to hating me#i cant hate u anymore its so exhausting#i have given up so much just for distance from u why cant u just get out of my head#he loves me#he really really loves me#and i love him too#so why isnt he the voice in my head#why is it you#lmao i reached that 30 tag limit
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I think it would really benefit people to internalize that mental illnesses are often chronic and not acute. Some of us will never be able to jump the hurdle of managing illness, much less sustaining a sense of normalcy. Many of us will never "recover," will never manage symptoms, will never even come close to appearing normal - and this is for any condition, even the ones labeled as "simple" disorders or "easy-to-manage" disorders.
It isn't a failure if you cannot manage your symptoms. It isn't a moral failure, and you aren't an awful person. You are human. There's only so much you can do before recognizing that you cannot lift the world. Give yourself the space to be ill because, functionally, you are.
#mental health#mental health advocacy#like... anxiety and depression are often concieved of as simple and easy to manage...#...but that isn't the case for so many of us. anxiety and depression just have a lot more research invested into them...#...and while i wish this were the case for literally every other condition it does alter people's perception of you to some extent...#...so while this is NOT solely about anxiety or depression it includes us...#...my anxiety and depression and PTSD have *destroyed* my life. this is chronic and will probably be life-long...#...and that isn't my fault. i've done the fucking work but guess what? that doesn't account for the fact that I Am Just ILL#the least we can do for each other is to be compassionate#be compassionate to those who cannot heal. be compassionate to the people who can't manage their lives. this world is scary enough#recognize that management of symptoms is something not all of us can do - even IF their condition is labeled as 'easy to manage'#i allowed myself to feel angry that i can't heal 'normally' and that was unfair as fuck toward myself#and i NEED people to internalize this so that MAYBE this could help somebody else who is where i was#i NEED them to understand that it's okay that they are where they are - sometimes shit just doesn't turn out how you expect or want#don't beat yourself over you being a person. you are struggling enough. you deserve to rest. just rest please#and just... give yourself space
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I’m a truly incredible covert operative when it comes to fandom like no-one irl knows the depths of my obsession HOWEVER. I am aware of the fact that if anyone called iron man a narcissist in front of me I’d have no choice but to kill them with hammers
#at the VERY LEAST I’d have to blow my cover by talking extensively about the misrepresentation of Tony’s mental illness symptoms#NARCISSIST????? narcissist? THAT MAN SAYS SORRY MORE THAN ANY OTHER PERSON IN THE MCU YOU FOOLS#Tony stark
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me internally: I keep acting like everything is okay in front of others, and hiding my true feelings and state of mind. It's chafing on me and making me feel alone and frustrated at the lack of understanding. Maybe I should speak up and express myself more.
me: Hey, I know I act normal but in reality I am anxious and worried most of the time, and also in pain and re-living past memories and scared there won't be a future for me. I wasn't trying to hide it but I feel compulsed to act like everything is normal.
other people: stop thinking and feeling like that and be normal already. nobody wants to hear this
me: oh.
#struggle#ptsd#cptsd#hiding symptoms#mental illness#aftermath of trauma#life after trauma#i couldn't even tell you what i'm so stressed about right now#my adrenaline levels are up to the roof#it feels like i forgot a Great Danger and it will get me any second#but i have to make lunch and lie down and be calm
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PSA: my blog is NOT for people who believe crystals can cure disease, mental illness, chronic conditions, disabilities, etc. or people who believe crystals can substitute modern medicine and be effective in the slightest. yes, this includes people who say crystals can “help with depression/anxiety/etc”.
#saying crystals can ease certain symptoms of mental illness is a VERY slippery slope to saying crystals can cure said illnesses or more#if by ‘crystals can help depression�� you mean crystals can boost your mood#then stop misusing words like depression and anxiety. say what you really mean#my stuff#witchcraft#crystals#pseudoscience
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im going insane btw jon was literally right. tim's so angry at him for how he acted paranoid out of his mind and like. i get it. but jon was right. sasha was a doppleganger!! his boss is a manipulative cunt that is trying to end the world! people are quite literally out to fucking get him!! like tim i get it i get it but are you aware of the genre you're in im alskdjflk
#im sorry but they were supposedly friends#jon shows all the signs of suffering from extreme mental illness with symptoms of heavy paranoia#and acts like he's being fucking gaslit - because he is#and then he's RIGHT#about the people close to them being out to get them!#and at the end of the day tim can't get over it?#this would ABOLUTELY be a forgivable offense if this was my friend like on what fucking planet#tma#the magnus archives#jonathan sims#tim stoker#tma lb#sorry its just like jon is LITERALLY going insane and tim is just like 'everyone is experiencing this get over it'#GIRL?!?#NO THEY'RE NOT?!!?#was it YOUR predecesser found shot dead??#which btw YOUR BOSS DID#SO JON WAS RIGHT#you just discovered you have been tricked into an eldritch horror's twisted 5d chess game w other eldritch horrors#and you're upset about some totally justifiable paranoia#i can't deal with this
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i've been in pretty much constant pain for the past 4 months. i have a slipped disc. the mri this weekend finally confirmed what i'd already suspected. mostly, i just put up with it.
i've been in a pretty bad mental space since winter began. my brain is leaking out from between my ears. i just don't care enough to listen to the rabid wet whispering of hope. i'm mostly just bored of being here, the swaddled joyless apathy.
the back pain ebbs and flows, but it's there, so i take care of it. i do my physical therapy. i get in with a specialist. i'm lucky - there's no immediate need for surgery. it's bad, but it could be worse. when i talk about how i did it (it was a very bad sneeze), i usually start laughing. it's funny! i am never comfortable, but hey. i'm young. i'll bounce back, or so they keep saying.
i just found out it's not normal to wake up every night with a category-five panic attack. i'm lucky if i am still able to remember how to spell my name right. i spend my days in a weird blank haze, exhausted, desperate for respite - only to be unable to rest during the night. i say with a laugh - i really hate it when my mental illnesses start working together. i mean, sure. unionize. it's fine. i have lost all sense of myself. there's nowhere that's actually warm in my mind.
i feel bad how often i complain about my back. my friends immediately shush my apology. dude, you slipped a disc. continue complaining.
as a kid, i think i only really admitted to the bad things... twice. for some reason, when he didn't just dismiss it - it made my dad angry. he slammed a door at me. you're fucking ungrateful. what do you have to be sad for?
what an odd delight: the slipped disc gave me the oddest wave of relief. i'm allowed to actually hurt about this thing.
i have chronic conditions which aren't "real" things. i could write a novel on the weird ways people respond to my POTS & the rest of my fun physical acronyms. i am kind of ashamed to admit - i like the way it feels to be able to say well, because of a slipped disc. a slipped disc is a real thing. a slipped disc is serious and painful. there's diagrams and infographics about slipped discs. upon my diagnosis, they immediately offered me narcotics.
i haven't been able to get up out of bed for more than a few hours. i do less and less and less and less. i have started to sit down in the shower. sighing my way from deadline to deadline. this again. in one day and out the other. people tell me i don't really need my meds. i have run out of times saying i have depression, it's become almost transparent. it's so bad my therapist suggested meeting more than once a week, but i don't want to worry her, so i never finish setting up a second meeting. every creative spark in my soul has been entirely ravaged - but that's just capitalism, baby. i don't even take the day off of work. i just show up and do a bad job and get yelled at for it.
it's not real, after all. the pain is just imagined.
#spilled ink#warm up#is this clear?#i have chronic pain & illnesses which i will not be discussing on this blog#and i will say that the way i'm treated about those is often just as bad#but since i don't have the room to give it justice on this post#it's ... about that weird sensation of...#''oh this is a real thing that actually hurts people''#when u have spent ur life in pain and being told that pain isn't real#feeling like you are '''allowed''' to finally ACTUALLY feel pain#that sense -- oh thank god it's actually bad#idk maybe im a bad person#but sometimes i do like to write about. the actual symptoms of mental illness#and sometimes the Illnesses Do Make Me Think Bad Thoughts#so if this is weird just tell me i'll bring it up w/my therapist ig
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i still cannot get over The Twins like.
imagine.
you have another version of you out there arguably living a life just as difficult as yours, if not more, that you can talk to at literally Any Time! and they're You so you basically already have half a convo down anytime you decide to pop on over via a portal
1610 and 42 stepping out of their respective portals side-by-side just to stroll out of an alleyway like nothin happened just going:
1610: LOUD SIGH
42: rough day too huh?
1610, brushing debris off of his shoulder: yeeep. another run-in with the rhino. again.
42: you didn't lock his dumb ass up like, last month? how'd he get out?
1610: don't know, don't care. so done with this week, i just wanna... i dunno. hibernate til spring 😮💨
42: man, what a mood.
1610: what happened to you? you look like you had a rougher day than me!
42, covered in visible bruises and cuts along with his bandages: mannnn... rougher week more like. well... rougher life. but. anyways.
they both nod at each other in Understanding
#mine#spiderverse#miles g morales#miles morales#can yall imagine the Sleepovers#and the fact that if miles canonically has anxiety then All Mileses have anxiety#goddamn. in 42's case the panic attacks would be SO damn painful alongside obvious ptsd symptoms#OUHHHHHHHGGGGHGGGBH MY BABY BOYS#if i think abt it too much ill cry 😢#they are both Anxiety Brothers In Arms. just sharing one look between each other#and thats all they need#i am also so so so so enamoured with them swapping Mental Health Tips with each other#bc you know damn well aaron is NOT helping 42's traumatized ass with any of that 😭😭😭#poor kiddo#then he finds 1610 and 1610 is like 'dude that sounds like symptoms of ptsd. also youre having a panic attack rn'#and a whole new world is opened up for widdle miles g#but 42 is Not Dumb and i know he has coping mechanisms of his own!#catch him str8 up sitting on 1610 when he's havin a panic attack and 1610 goes 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING'#42: trust me bro. you need pressure on you rn. i do this all the time when im panicking like u are#1610: you get someone to sit on you?!#42: uh. no. i haul over aaron's punching bag off the chain and lay it on me.#1610 who is now visibly much calmer: uhhh wow. hm. that's kind of a good idea actually#42: right?! it helps out a lot!
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I WAS ON THAT
#i made this post and it disappeared into a void btw#i was on seroquel and then lyed to my doctor until i got off of it and Honestly? i should get back on#but my psychiatrist is NUTS#like said 'but you were my favorite' when she found out i had another mental illness#and tells me about HER life problems in detail#so#and she perscribed it for smth i didnt have and then kept going#'wow you have none of the symptoms of x... youre changing my whole opinion on how it presents1!!'#anyway.
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daily reminder that there’s a difference between hating your abuser and hating every single person with npd. one is understandable the other one just makes you an asshole
#this especially goes out to people with bpd#i‘d never tell anyone to forgive their abuser or anything so go ahead hating the person that traumatized you#but y‘all know we‘re in the same cluster and we share relatively speaking a lot of symptoms right?#and even more important.. we know what it’s like to be misunderstood and demonized#so why do some of y‘all still go ahead treating people the way you don’t want to be treated for your mental illness#just don’t forget that it’s always about how someone handles their issues and not about a diagnosis in my opinion#anyways thanks for coming to my ted talk#npd safe#npd awareness#bpd blog#bpd awareness#actually bpd
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the disorder faking in this generation is genuinely wild. like.
#yiure meaning to tell me you have DID#a disorder known for severe memory loss#a disorder known to be so so difficult to disgnose to anyone unrer the age of 18#and all of ur alters r fictional cjaracters?? all of them remember to sign off with a silly emoji?? all remember how to use a phone??#bullshit genuine bullshit i dont care#maybe thats because i have an interest in psychology but . be so for realm#if youre gonna fake a disorder at least do the minimum amount of research#i dont even qanna get STARTED on the “autism” community#“w-wait this isnt normal??” and its like. being tired after social events.#i guarentee it is normal.#Good lord stop diagnosing yourself off tiktok or instagram reels#see genuine psychiatrists / doctors 😭.#self diagnosing isnt valid#never will be#btw#if you think you have a disorder do research and dont announce it like youve been diagnosed for the past 7 years#“i think i have adhd because i have heavy symptoms” is more mentally positive then “I ABSOLUTELY HAVE ADHD I SAW 3 REELS”#exaggeration but you know what i mean#“b-but zai!! what about the people who cant get a diagnosis!!” womp womp?? use the point i said before????#therell come an age for everyone where they can go be independant with it and seek genuine help bruh#my bad for ranting but like. christ.#normalise mental illnesses but not the way half of you are doing it ....#🌱 idle#🌱 rant
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thursday quest - no physical therapy today - make and eat lunch sooooo early but i can do it!!!!! - get ready for wedding - attend wedding! yay! (: - decompress well when i get home <3
#its thursday quest#god i'm so anxious about it autism style. so many uncertainties that i simply cannot account for alone. but i'm being sooo 'brave' about it#(keeping it to myself. except for posting about it)#taxi company hasn't texted me the drivers' details yet and i emailed them to be like ummmm your policy is to pay before the day#would you like to email me the payment details so i can do that? and they were like 'we'll send the driver details soon' ummmm#there isn't much soon left!!!!!!! it's happening tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!#they're probably just not Organised™ in the way i prefer to be. which is objectively fine it's just challenging for me personally.#i do not think it's Bad but!!!!! i've never taken a taxi before <- guy who Is Scared Of Taxis Specifically but has to face#their fears because they're disabled and have no other choice.#worst case i am down the money and no-one arrives to take me home i guess :P but it'll be afternoon AND my family are there so#in theory i could just get a lift home even though that would mess up other people's plans sooooo bad. UNLESS they have already drunk uhhhh#in which case i guess i'd just ask for help calling a taxi to the place. plany of people who can do such things easily (unlike me)#it'll be fine!!! i can ask my siblings if need be bc they are so niceys and will not get mad at me for being autistic o7#My other worry is being too hot and being in a rush getting ready bc i have to eat a proper meal due to the symptoms syndromes#and we are leaving when my lunch usually is so that's a whole thing. which ALSO doesn't matter and I can do! it's just hard!#where is that post that's like 'managed mental illness can look like absence of mental illness 😅'. NOT saying being autistic is mental#illness i am saying that the specific extreme anxiety i have is for me linked to autistic issues with 'the unknown' and boy. does this#social situation also have a lot of unknown.#BUT I CAN DO IT! and dare i say even have a nice time!!!!! it's just i get so so scared beforehand but i will not express it in a way that#impacts or inconveniences anyone else!!! i can handle it by myself at my house and it'll be fine
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i have a genuine mental block that has stopped me from writing a lot in the past six months and every time i think it's gotten better it's actually gotten worse and is more and more agonizing. and it's also EMBARRASSINGGGGGG
#i don't want to say what it is but it's definitely a symptom of SOMETHING#and the thing that could fix it is something You would think is easy to find and it is not#it's so frustrating because i know exactly whyyy it's blocking me but i honestly#don't know if ANYTHING could change it#cuz i've had things like this before but it's usually a phase#this one is just lasting unreasonably long#also blocking me from writing fic is being Bad at writing prose. i think i've just realized#that dialogue is my strong suit and my prose is always lacking#god. is every hobby and passion i've ever had and spent time on worthless??????? Many such questions#ok writing this is making me hugely spiral. i'm gonna go like watch the lucanis romance and jerk off abt it idk#< jokes i don't know what i'm gonna do bc again i am so mentally ill and nothing brings me joy#whatever#maia.txt
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Hi. If you post or reblog th//in//spo or anything else encouraging disordered eating I am not comfortable with you following me.
#code word ''encouraging''#if you just like. Have an ed then that's obviously not your fault#but posts designed to make other people's symptoms worse make my blood run cold#in my case i think i just also get heavily uncomfortable when very very thin usually pale bodies get glorified. personally.#ed mention#ask to tag#i don't have an eating disorder so idk how to speak on this without it crossing the line into ableism#but whenever i stumble across content encouraging it. it often upholds very specific beauty standards. and it freaks me out.#please tell me if I've said anything wrong or if I've moralized a mental illness. idk how to talk about this
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who has ever said that in the history of ever. what is cruel about wanting our own fucking exclusive space without able-bodied people in it. for someone with blah blah i drink abled tears or whatever the fuck on your profile, you sure do a lot of abled bootlicking.
#cpunk#cripple punk#cripplepunk#this is fucking ridiculous#fuckin ‘anyway you fucking insane people’ are you serious#who has ever swid anything like that#ever#in this community#wanting an exclusive phys disabled only space isnt fucking ableist . go and make your own punk space if you care so much about this.#idc#just because mental illness/disability has physical symptoms does NOT make it a physical problem.#my boyfriend can be bedridden by his depression that doesn’t mean he’s literally physically incapable of moving#in those moments its a mental block not an actual physical block. its still mental#even if it affects him physically its still mental#ykwim#same goes for mental disabilities as a whole#which may i add i have A Multitude of so dont come cruing at me about being an exclusionist#i have Literal Brain Damage do not fucking try me#but. YKWIM#phoenixonwheels
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I swear this is a comic about black cats
#neeks draws#i don’t know#black cats#uh#mental health#we were talking about person with disability IDs#lets just say my mom doesnt want to give me an id for being mentally ill#even if i am#lol#‘you dont have these symptoms!!’#me hiding the symptoms from them:#venting#vent art
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