#yknow? trying to be more conscious about the waste in my life

[coridallasmultipass]

OMG IT WORKS, I WAS ABLE TO REPLACE THE STRAP WITH A SWATCH STRAP!!!!

Guys, it's been SO LONG since my cheap-ass generic/unbranded watch's strap started breaking, and I had to take off my favourite watch a WHILE ago (you can see the old strap in the bag is completely broken on both sides now, it just crumbled when I picked up my watch to measure it).

I had no clue how to shop for a replacement or which point to disassemble the old strap at! Turns out, it's Swatch compatible! So I went ahead and ordered the name brand Swatch strap for this size, and IT FITS. Well, the strap fits. The Swatch metal posts that hold the strap to the watch body were too thick by a hair and wouldn't slide in the metal watch body. Thankfully, the old posts in my watch were still good to use, since they were original to the watch.

I'm SO glad I can keep using my 2019 impulse purchase. I've already replaced the battery in it once, and now knowing how to replace a watch strap has been a really good skill to add to that. I hate throwing shit out when it stops working, I'd rather repair it, especially because this is a really cool and comfortable watch to me. Yeah it's hashtag retrowave aes, but it also uses a tally system with the LEDs for telling the time/date (as opposed to analog/digital), which is really cool and not something you see often. Also, with the new strap being leather - I know how to care for leather, and it will definitely last longer than the previous plastic that only lasted for a couple years of wear.

I'm so fucking excited.

[softness-and-shattering]

Thanks :)

Bodymind isnt my term but idk who to credit it to. I like it a lot because it says everything it needs to say. Its a bit like, growing up I saw bodies as a collection of parts to like or dislike, yknow like the mean girls scene in Reginas room? And at some point I was like wait, im not a collection of parts, Im one whole connected body actually. Bodymind is a similar kind of thing. Theres no separation. Its all one system.

Fog of illness + unreliable sense of time is really a thing for sure. I "waste" a lot of days resting so Ill be better on other days. Sometimes particular days if I have an appointment or something, sometimes I just feel bad so I dont push myself and then its been another day week month. It bothers me that I dont get the time back. Pushing myself would lead to more fatigue more crashing better more lukewarm days than struggle->worse pain->less time conscious->more frustration. And resting can be nice and chill and cozy. But theres so much I want to do and Im constantly whittling down my ambitions into the tiniest possible form that I might achieve a step toward on a good day and that has to be my victories. I dont want to always be whittling down my ambitions.

For me fatigue is primarily a heaviness and a sleepiness but not usually an enjoyable sleepiness. You ever been asleep so long you end up semi-lucid wishing to be awake already, and then you wake up and your body is exhausted and heavy and slow. And sometimes you drop off again and your sleeping mind is like !!!!wake up already!!!!!! and when youre eventually sort of conscious its like 10pm youve slept all day and now what. And a few hours later you could go to sleep try get normal sleep so the next day might be okay but youve already slept so much and you just wanna be conscious and alive for a while?

This is weirdly nice to talk about? Its not quite complaining, and not always turning to the bright side like when youre talking to loved ones who worry about you. I think this might be good for me?

And dizziness too i really dissociate a lot from my body. I wish i didnt have to. I wish I could better manage my symptoms I mean my unpleasant experiences of existing alive in a body. Its like when a dr or a form asks what your symptoms are and how they effect or kimit your life, and its like, I havent had to cancel social plans in the last fortnight bc I know not to make any. How does it impact my regular life? This IS my regular life, what am I even supposed to compare to anymore?? When did I last have a "normal" life, did I ever? Will I ever?

what does your chronic illness feel like? here’s a place describe your fatigue, describe your pain (if you are in a space to).

i was reading the essay “on being ill” by virginia woolf, and she discusses the poverty of language we have for describing illness, because no healthy person wants to write about it. and certainly no healthy person wants to hear of it. but because of that, we are missing such a huge chunk of human experience, certainly of the disabled experience.

she says if we take “our pain in one hand and a pure lump of sound in another” we will at last be able to describe it.

i feel like a lot of the time we don’t go into detail about what exactly we’re feeling, because it’s never accurate enough, or people don’t want to hear it. but because we don’t, we have so few ways of expressing our pain, and because of that it is harder for those of us in illness to connect. so let’s start now, be imaginative, make up words; let’s create the language for it at last. what does your illness feel like?

[misstrashchan]

So just as a heads up, this is a continuation of this post about which of Smirke's 14 Fears from the Magnus Archives team RWBY+Pyrrha would be aligned with and @im-the-king-of-the-ocean asking my thoughts on Winter, Ozpin and Oscar (sorry it took so long to get back to this! I've had it sitting in my drafts for a while)

Winter: The Slaughter

Winter as an Avatar of the Slaughter is something I hadn't thought of but it actually fits insanely well. The Slaughter does often bring up the question of whether anger and violence is just senseless and mindless, or following orders followed by rationalisation; or if we're entirely conscious of the choices we're making, and which is worse, which is something that Winter's arc has been dealing with A LOT. In how she follows Ironwood's orders and has to rationalise his actions to justify her own and her "choices", like how she explains to Weiss how she accepts her role as the Winter Maiden being her destiny, though it was something Ironwood groomed her into and how she tries to explain to Penny why they have to internalise however they might feel about abandoning Mantle and trust Ironwood.

There's the element of anger which you bring up, and Winter's relationship with anger is interesting to me to think about, because she seems very much afraid in indulging that emotion, or any emotion, and because of the military industrial complex and her abusive controlling upbringing, leads to a lot of emotional suppression and refusal to think on those feelings or deal with them in any healthy way. Which of course leads to everything boiling over, and there's this. Rage, an passionate fury that's boiling inside her. But I wouldn't say it's something she thinks she needs or enjoys right now, quite the opposite. (the idea of being afraid of being hurt, of needing to have control of her situation and to throw back her hurt of the world fits more with Cinder than Winter in my mind, and I think Melanie's relationship with anger and needing it reminds me a lot more of Yang. It justified her need for it and fed into it, and Melanie liked that, she wanted it, but for Winter her anger is something she's ashamed of, something to be locked away)

But I actually do think with where her arc is headed that thinks she will come to indulge in that feeling more. The one time we see her have an angry outburst expressing her true feelings is at Jaques at his dinner party, and she scolds and shames herself for allowing herself to get angry, that it was childish and immature. To which Penny disagrees, saying she thought she was just speaking from the heart. But Winter believes that to precisely be the problem. She cannot allow herself to think, or feel just for herself,  because that terrifies her. So she only allows herself to follow orders. Again, similar to a lot of the Slaughter statement givers who were soldiers in wars of some kind and become numb to the atrocities they are made to commit, the sensless violence of it all, but her choice to accept her lack of agency and self worth still makes her complicit and is still a conscious decision on her part. This sort of meandered and I'm not sure if it made any sense but yes, I hadn't thought of it but the Slaughter actually fits Winter really well for a lot of reasons. And I think we will see her Go Feral in the near future, the thing she's most afraid of, showing how she really feels, and oh boi all that confusion, emotional repression, the lingering bitterness and jealousy towards Penny being the Winter Maiden, and projected feelings of thinking of leaving or betraying Ironwood she's been having and her conflicted feelings pushed onto Weiss, who betrayed and left first, just a whole over boiling pot that's a mess of emotions manifesting as Big Feral Winter Feelings. 

Ozpin:

The Eye, Ceaseless Watcher, Beholding/The Vast, the Falling Titan, Awful Deep

Ohohohoho Ozpin. I can't tell you how many times I've listened to TMA 151 imagining Ozpin as Simon Fairchild or vice versa. Simon's VA was told that his character had to give off the impression that he might offer you a plate of cookies or fling you off a cliff and when I heard that my mind immediately jumped to Ozpin back in v1. And Ozpin's VA said that if he didn't have the weight of the world on his shoulders, he'd be a lot more chaotic and fun. And that's the thing with Ozpin though, is that he wants to be Simon Fairchild, so so badly. I think he wants people to see him as that kind of person too. But in reality, he's stuck being Jonathan Sims. (The Ceaseless Watcher's/God of Light's Special Little Boy assdkjhkk) Oz is 100% an Eye Avatar. Fair warning, like with Ruby and the End, I have a lot of Big Feelings with this one. 

I see where you're coming from, but the thing with being an Avatar of the Vast is being so overwhelmed by the expanse and eternity of everything that you just accept your own insignificance as well as everyone else's, hence why they rarely form attachments or work with others. It's a very nihilistic perspective that it's Avatars tend to be very hedonistic as a result, we're all insignificant, nothing matters, let's just do whatever we want and try to have a good time, who cares what happens. And I do think Oz is Vast aligned, since he encourages the people around him, and tries himself, to enjoy the little things and have fun when he can, since he knows Salem is unstoppable and everything could go to shit at any given moment. And yknow. Him enjoying flinging students off of cliffs during initiation a bit too much.

 But Ozpin cares so much about humanity. He desperately wants to believe, and tries to, in humanity, and tries for them. He's been fighting so hard for so long, and believes humanity is worth fighting for (even if he has trouble actually having faith and believing in them). Everything matters to him. He agonises over every choice he makes and impact that has, takes on so much responsibility on himself, is so guilt ridden that he admits to making "more mistakes than any man, woman or child on this planet" that he practically paralyses himself with indecision and guilt. He’s also someone who has been shown to be paranoid, (his reluctance to fully trust the people around him out of constant wariness that he may be betrayed) and afraid of being perceived for who he truly is and having his secrets exposed, which are all very Eye related fears. Ozpin’s very much in this position in which he is the one who knows everything, who passively watches and waits and knows, from up high in his tower. “Oh please, your god is nothing! The Eye, Beholding, Ceaseless Watcher, whatever you call it, that’s all it does, it watches and knows, sitting bulbous and comfortable in the ignorance of infinite knowledge.” (TMA 89) In the Lost Fable, he believed he needed to be the one to know everything (think to how he only trusted himself to hold onto the relic of knowledge, believing it to be “his burden to bear” and was desperate to take it back from Ruby) and as shown in his past lives, sought after Jinn’s knowledge in the belief that knowledge would help him in his cause, only for the ultimatum of the answer in “Salem can’t be killed” to break him and make him lose all hope of doing anything more than maintaining a perpetual stalemate. In the words of his speech in vol1, in which is a very good example of Ozpin desperately needing to practice what he preaches; 

 “I'll...keep this brief. You have travelled here today in search of knowledge--to hone your craft and acquire new skills. And when you have finished, you plan to dedicate your life to the protection of the people. But I look amongst you, and all I see is wasted energy, in need of purpose – direction. You assume knowledge will free you of this, but your time at this school will prove that knowledge can only carry you so far. It is up to you to take the first step”  (RWBY 1x03) 

There’s also like. A lot of Eye statements, particularly those relating to Jonathan, that relate heavily to Ozpin and his character, including this one:

“And at last, the Archivist looks up. At last, he looks into the eye that sees all, and knows all, and clutches at the secret terrors of your heart. The Ceaseless Watcher of all that is, and all that was; the voracious, infinite hunger that tears at his soul, invoking him to discover, to observe, to experience all, and everything, and forever. It stares into him, and it stares out of him, and he is falling into the devouring eternity of its pupil. He wants to cry out in horror, but he cannot. 

He. Is. Whole. 

And still he does not wake. Wandering his slim collection of gifted nightmares, passing the grey and lifeless remains of severed dreams he can no longer watch, he waits- but not for long- before they can all begin again”

Like if that doesn’t describe Oz’s endless reincarnation and merging, becoming “whole”, and living all these lives is discovering, observing and “experiencing all and forever” then I don’t know what does. And then there’s the last statement we had before the s5 break, also an Eye one, revolving around the “Minister” which also gives off major Oz vibes:

God, the children. They won’t stop looking, won’t stop following him with their piteous, desperate gaze that speaks so loudly his knees feel like they will buckle. ‘Help us.’He will. Of course he will. He wants to. He hasn’t lied to them, he really hasn’t. He used to be one of them, he remembers what it can be like. He is there to speak for them. And if necessary, he will join them again. The minister grips his black leather briefcase closely to his chest, bile rising in his throat at the sudden jolt of fear that races through his veins. Where did that come from? Is he afraid of it, returning, of that sharp stab of hunger, the shivering of a cold you can’t escape? Or is he afraid that should it come to that, they will see him as a deceiver?” 

“On his side of the arena the shouts should be sharper, more angry, but their tone and pitch are such as to merge seamlessly with the others. There are no golden stakes on this side pinning down his would-be comrades. But the minister must be careful not to look too closely, or else he might see how many of his allies are fused to their own chairs, on which they have sat comfortable for so long"

"His eyes drift away, through the walls to the crowd outside. Their baying cries for justice cannot be heard in here. If any whisper should make it through, it is utterly destroyed in the deafening shouting that surrounds him. But he cannot forget their eyes, watching him, piercing him with their wounded humanity.” 

Another thing is that one of Ozpin’s allusions aside from the Wizard of Oz is Odin, and Raven and Qrow are meant to be his Huginn and Muninn, two Ravens that act as his “eyes” spying and gathering information for him. If you look at Raven and Qrow’s emblem, they have a left and right bird’s eye respectively, with Oz’s gear emblem inside the eye. In v4, Salem, upon hearing that Tyrian poisoned Qrow, says “the last eye is blinded” as in,the belief that with Raven having left Oz and Qrow now dying, Oz would have no more eyes to “see” with. You also have Jonah Magnus, whose corpse is missing his eyes, but is able to watch through the eyes of the Archive employees. That and the whole body hopping host thing is a little similar in concept (and Peter Lukas mentions near the end of s4 that if Elias died, Jonah would have chosen Jon as his new host which is just. Terrifying). There's a lot of other little things too, like Oz in the first three volumes is usually shown watching events like the iniitiation, the fight at the docks, and the vytal festival through his cameras in his office, a passive observer rather than someone who is actively involved. And Yang at the end of v6, when Oscar tells them about Oz saving him, says "so he's just been watching is that whole time?" The underlying tone suggesting that he could've come back at any tike but chose to watch them instead, through Oscar, and everyone looking at him like that's pretty weird or creepy (except Ruby tho, because she's Ruby)

I feel like I could go on, but this is probably waaaaay too long, so, in summary, Oz serves the Eye, is basically a perfect candidate for the Archivist, and is also Vast aligned, and in different circumstances would have totally been a great Vast Avatar. 

Oscar: The Spider, the Web, Mother of Puppets

Oscar. Was. HARD.

This lil shit is part of the reason it took so long to make this post. Because see, with other characters the most obvious indicators would be their semblances (which are often manifestations of coping mechanisms for their personal fears or trauma) or songs (which delve deeper into their characters), or have very specific fears that I can focus in on as to how that factors into their arc. But Oscar? He doesn't have a semblance. His whole THING is that he's scared. All the time. His song is called Fear for Pete's sake. Now, he is Oz's reincarnation, and Oscar does also share a fair few things in common with the Archivist and his character arc, (Elias's plan and the whole plot of the first four seasons was that he was trying to align Jon by having him touched by ALL the fears, aka, to fill Jon with fear of everything, so that he became a walking living record of fear) he persistently calls out people's BS and takes issue with people withholding information, also similar to Yang (who I firmly believe is Eye aligned). So like. Eye, right? But that just... doesn't properly fit Oscar. He's not Ozpin. The Stranger, then, becoming a stranger to yourself, perhaps? That is something Oscar's afraid of, right?

"Everything changes when you see a stranger, feel proud or betrayed" (Fear)

But Oscar is growing more confident in his own identity and figuring out who he is. He’s not becoming Oz, he's becoming his own person. And even if he was becoming Oz, Oz is hardly a Stranger to Oscar. The merge, from how it's described in the show, seems more similar to how the Distortion functioned, except Oscar and Oz don't fit into most of the Distortion's themes.

I was sort of uncertain, and I wanted to wait and see till I was more certain of where Oscar's arc was headed this volume, since he's being pushed to his limits and wanted to see how he acted and what choices he made. At the start, because of how he was regretting all the choices he'd made previously, and was telling Oz how badly he didn't want the merge to happen, I was speculating about the possibility of him being manipulated by Salem and Grimm!Oscar happening, which might fall him into the Corruption, but no.

Oscar is the Web.

It fits with his fear of being controlled, of his will not being his own, and like Jonathan, who was marked and scared for life by his encounter with the Web as a child, it is his greatest fear. Only, where Jon was so afraid of the Web he sought the Eye as his refuge, believing it would keep him safe, Oscar realises that can be used to his advantage. (Which actually makes him more like Anabella Cane, which is. Hilarious) He's trying to do what Salem does, focus in on people's weaknesses and fears and dig at them, manipulate and push them, divide them, only like, steering them into the opposite direction than Salem. He's trying to use the fact that people see him as Oz to his advantage and trying to manipulate their impression of him. He's just got this very sneaky, cunning and pragmatic streak in him that people overlook because he's also incredibly kind and just. Good. But those qualities very much scream "Web" to me the more I've dwelled on it.

[onemattwolf]

My doctor warned me that it's harder to get as accurate of a dose on the T gel vs the injectable stuff, as the gel doesn't come in that wide of a range of concentrations. Also, I wanted to go for the packets instead of the pump, as it's cheaper and you can get a generic version that way. With the pump, the dosage is easier to alter as you can add or take away a pump from your total dose, ya? With the packets, you can't really do a half pack or something, so from my limited understanding, it's harder to manage. Once I talk to him, i'll probably ask to go up to the next highest concentration, but then I kind of wasted money on the weaker stuff :(

and honestly, while I was going to suggest I go on a lower dosage anyways, and wasn't too worried about the drop in T, I really didn't expect it to drop THIS fast. I booked an appointment with my doc where I can ask for a blood req form to check for sure, but I'm almost certain I'm right as I'm very sensitive to changes in my body.

Also, when I've withdrawm from T before, my stool starts smelling ridiculously like a kerosene lamp (i.e, burning gas) for no reason any medical professional has been able to explain to me. And it's been smelling like that again for about a week? As of today it's stopped, but it's still off. The only explanation medical people can offer me as to why it starts smelling like that is something along the lines of, "well, your GI system is weird as fuck in ways we haven't been able to understand yet, that's probably why?"

So, I immediately knew from my shit that I hit a pretty steep withdrawal, and I could also tell from my changes in mood and such. Not Bad per se, more it's stuff I've become unfamiliar with as I haven't felt like this in almost 3 years.

I've been more hyper, a bit more combative and less censored, more easily stressed... I feel like my family hasn't appreciated how much T has chilled me out. Like, do they even remember the last time I'd get so stressed I'd scream at them?

Sure, T has made me generally happier, but also? In the last 3 years I have never felt this calm or in my body in my whole life. I've been able to express emotion easier, cry easier, and my maternal instincts were off the charts. I was finally feeling like I could chill instead of feeling like I was always climbing up the walls from boerdom, or needing to pace constantly or walk super fast to calm myself down.

While I was always taught to seem, uh, not like that in front of non-family—unless it was a friend/friend group I felt I could let loose with, let all my hyper silliness out, or, alternatively, I was around someone that naturally calmed me down, so I was genuinely chiller with them—at home my family often saw me like this. Also, when I was a kid, my teacher's did too.

I feel like the person assessing me for ADHD said that if I had been assessed with ADHD as a kid, I might've been diagnosed with the hyperactive type, even though at that time girls were barely diagnosed as being any kind of neurodiverse. For an example: in the report cards I provided for the assessment, teachers often commented that I was unable to sit still. But, I was a quiet kid, so unless I was actively getting up from my seat to walk around (which, up until grade 6, I was constantly reminded to not do that; according to the psychologist, though, my grade 5 teacher had requested I be given special accommodation to be able to do that when I needed to, since she saw I was quite stressed when being made to sit still), I wasn't labelled as being "disruptive" enough to have ADHD. And then, with the calming effect of the T, inattentiveness started being the only thing I was presenting as. I started T in the middle of that assessment, I believe.

Not that it really matters? I spent most of my childhood/adolescents/early adulthood like this, I can adjust. I've missed this in a lot of ways?? And at least my stool smells normal again, which means my levels have at least plateaued.

But.... Uh... I feel like my period might start soon and I'm trying not to freak. I mean, not that I hated it before? It helped me keep track of time passing, lol. But if it's starting it means my T levels dropped WAY lower then they should've. Like, my period stopped almost the first week of starting the gel the first time. Is my body straight up rejecting the gel after all that time on the stronger injectable stuff?

Oh boy. at least I know i'm not manic? My base meds were just as effective pre-T as they were on T, and I have my case manager and therapist keeping track of that. But, now my dose of concerta doesn't seem half as effective (I'm on a rather low dose anyways), and weed has gone back to having minus an effect on me. As in, pre T, all weed really did was calm me down/make me feel a bit more physically aware, vs. making me feel "high." Like, it did happen, but only if I smoked a bit too much or I was smoking suuuper strong stuff. And, I never really liked doing either of those things (unless I was in a group and I didn't want to feel left out), which is why I barely smoke. But Just when I was feeling like I wanted the pick-me-up that I've now learnt to expect from weed while I've been Testosterone dominant, it's back to being a nil experience. Even smoking stuff that had the desired effect just last month. Like honestly it's v annoying. I even bought weed for the first time in like... 2 years, to finally replace the super dry stuff my brother gave me in March of 2020, eheheh. Things have been rough and I just wanted a bit more of a mental reprieve. I didn't want to feel MORE of everything, god damnit.

So, sure, I kind of missed parts of being estrogen dominant, because it's familiar and I feel some nostalgia for past me. And, like, my transition goal was never to stay on T my whole life. It was to get the effects I wanted from it, and either withdraw completely or go on a lower dose. But, honestly, I wasn't ready for the latter thing yet.

It's honestly ridiculous how much more masc I was in certain ways pre T. More energetic, more combative (but not really in an angry way? It was just my sense if humour), wanting to roughhouse constantly, and in certain senses—and this depended on context, like teachers in subjects I really loved saw me like this the most—more visibly autistic. If I had a nickle for every time a teacher in highschool or college, who was teaching a subject I was excited by, asked me to stay behind after class and then inquire if I'd ever been diagnosed with Autism, i'd have at least 4 nickles.

From a medical stance, it's really fascinating, and if I could get myself to sit still enough and focus i'd be taking notes. But actually experiencing this?? Like I literally just threw out all of my sister's period products, and I'm feeling a bit too self conscious to buy more because I'm immediately read as a man now. Like, I'm gonna have to, I know there's no shame in it. But I feel like there's some dysphoria holding me back as well.

And like, it may not be what I think it is, or it may just end up spotting, but yknow, preparedness was always something i prided myself on. I hate the cramps and the headache and feeling the water retention. I can't believe how uncomfortable it feels after not having to deal with this for all this time???

Ughhh and my dad is coming home tonight and i'm gonna have to deal with him while i'm feeling like shit. And then I can't even tell him Why i'm feeling like shit cus it'll create a huge awkward conversation.

[cilliankelly]

text 📱 cillian & ellie.

Discord text thread featuring: cillian & @robinscnfm

When: december 25th

Mentions: @judetaylorhq @loganstjames @iitsace 

Description: ellie texts cillian to wish him merry xmas. they discuss their relationships and ellie encourages cillian to try and be better, but for himself, not for anyone else.

Trigger Warnings: insecurities galoooore but i think that’s it. 

ellie.

merry christmas dumbass 🤩 hope u had a good time and that your leg is better ❤️ you’re awesome buddy

Cillian

thanks els bells

i know i don’t always act like i do, but i really do appreciate you and shit. thanks for everything and merry christmas

also i’m sorry about your couch

ellie.

i know you do ❤️ no problem. I really did take you in just to do you a solid, buddy

no problem 😂

i might not even need to get one. Yknow, logan asked me to move in and if i do, probably the less furniture the better. U know i have enough shit as it is lmao

Cillian

👀

does this mean you’re seriously considering it?

moving in with the boyfriend?

ellie.

honestly? I kind of am

i have until mid january to think about it

and i like his apartment, plus our schedules don’t always line up because he has a day job and i have a morning job and a night job, which makes hanging out impossible sometimes

Cillian

these all seem like very sensible conclusions

ellie.

They are. I mean. Its kind of scary im ngl

Cillian

definitely scary. but good i think.

ellie.

im not used to living with anyone which definitely freaks me out

and u know i love my crappy ass apartment

but.... its also exciting idk

Cillian

no i totally get it.

i mean it’s a little different for me bc until recently i didn’t really feel like i ever had a home

but it’s nice. it’s big and it’s kind of scary but it’s also really great.

ellie.

ohhhh wait wait 👀

are u moving in w .. someone?

its such a nice apartment too im ngl

and he doesnt let me pay for anything which wasnt an issue when we were 18 but now it makes me feel ✨very guilty✨

Cillian

fuck tell me about it

and i mean... yeah. he gave me a key for christmas

ellie

omg im so happy for you!!!!

thats so so awesome

fuckin scary too but im excited for u

Cillian

thanks. i desperately trying to not fuck it up anymore than i already have. but i feel good about it.

ellie.

he wants to marry me

Cillian

holy shit

i know you guys dated in high school but you’ve been together how long?

ellie.

a fuckin MOOD but hes lucky to have u. Yall are a good match

Cillian

wow thanks. that’s actually like, good to hear.

i kind of feel like i magically won the best friend/boyfriend lottery or something

ellie.

this time around? About a month. Overall? Like almost three years

but no. What he said was that he still had the ring he’d bought back then

and that he wanted to give it to me whenever i was ready to be asked

it fuckin scares me how much he loves me idk what i did to deserve it

U SAID BOYFRIEND

Cillian

sounds like we really are in the same boat

wait what

ellie.

im so happy

yeah we are. Idk ive never been with anyone who loved me so... up front and decisively

Cillian

it’s fucking terrifying

ellie.

it is

Cillian

like i’m really happy???? but i look at him and my chest gets all tight and all i can think about is how much it’s gonna suck to lose him.

also i’m a bit buzzed on wine right now and this conversation is staying RIGHT HERE eleanor.

i have a rep to maintain

ellie.

THATS LOVEEEEE CILLIANNN

and idk im conflicted. He told me he wanted to pick it up where we left off and i told him i wanted to take it slow, and he agreed

and i do want to take it slow....... but oof falling back to the place where we used to be before It happened has been so easy its fuckin scary

Cillian

and oh my god shut uuuuuuuuuuup

i can’t even imagine.

ace is back in town and that’s been... weird

ellie.

IM NOT GONNAAAA U LOOOVE UR BF

my resolve to go slow with him is getting weaker and weaker i am such a mess

i know. I think i saw her the other day. Hows everything on that front?

Cillian

i don’t know. fine? a little awkward. i don’t have feelings for her still but like. i see her and it reminds me how shitty i was. and still am.

ellie.

and dont worry. Yes people leave but not the ones that really love you.... and i have a feeling u found it

Cillian

i think it’s really bumming him out that like... nobody knows we’re... together.

ellie.

yeah why is that?

Cillian

i don’t know...

telling people makes it like... real.

and jude thinks that by not telling people it makes it easier for me to take it all back and regress or whatever

but i just... ellie i’m like positive that i’m gonna fuck this up. and i don’t know if i want to share it. with anyone really.  not when it’s this good.

i don’t know if that makes any sense

ellie.

but its important to him

Cillian

he says it’s fine but i know it’s not.

ellie.

and listen

theres a strong possibility you WILL fuck it up and theres also a strong possibility that you will NOT fuck it up. No one knows.

and theres a possibility that he’ll fuck it up

or maybe something else will come in between you two and pull you apart

no one fucking knows ok dude

Cillian

jesus ellie, not making this any easier over here

ellie.

and you’re wasting the sweetest part of a relationship by thinking about the end

so like. The most u can do is stop thinking so far ahead, stop getting in your own way, and every day make the conscious decision to show him you love him and to not to fuck it up. Thats all any of us can do

Cillian

i don’t deserve him, i really don’t.

i’ve never felt so useless in my entire life.

ellie.

youre not useless

but i get you, i really do

Cillian

i can’t even fucking walk correctly. i can’t work. i can’t do anything

and i don’t know that i’ve ever like, really wanted to be better. but fuck. he deserves more than this.

ellie.

no no dont think like that

if you want to do anything about becoming more educated or some shit like that you have to do it for YOU because YOU deserve better

Cillian

it was hard enough the first time around. i’m just not cut out for it.

ellie.

i just think you havent found the right motivation

Cillian

and what’s that? the right motivation?

ellie.

idk how to describe it

like when i was in college i would think about graduating and being independent and it got me through boring classes and shit like that

so yeah. maybe what you need is motivation

Cillian

i know this is dumb. and it’s gonna get me an eye roll or something. but it’s just so much easier... to not.

ellie.

no its not dumb

but like. sometimes the things that are worth it arent the easy ones

Cillian

i just don’t want to fail again.

ellie.

bad news, youre gonna

Cillian

you’re all sunshine and rainbows this evening

ellie.

im tipsyyy

and also giving it to u straight

ur gonna fail bc failing is just. part of the human experience

but !! ur also gonna succeed my dude

Cillian

i guess you don’t know if you don’t try.

ellie.

also idk i think ur fear is valid and it happens to me too

so i just think itd be bullshit to tell u like <3 ur not gonna fail <3 everything will work out <3

Cillian

yeah. i wouldn’t believe you if you said that anyways.

ellie.

yeah exactly so like

the best thing i can say is that when you think that youre gonna fail just. try to think the opposite

Cillian

easier said than done

but i appreciate the advice

ellie.

yeah i know it is

no problem buddy <3 anytime