#yesterday was stressful as balls so i guess it makes sense to give myself some rest but i want to go BACK TO SLEEP 😭😭

[youredreamingofroo]

waking up at 6 am when I don't wanna wake up,,, sobbingfg,, maybe if I just eat breakfast and get cozy again, I can go back to sleep

[justvibewith]

Surprise Visit

Summary: You are a nursing student who just survive a hell week and you missed your husband, Wonwoo who is a doctor at a hospital in another state. Why not surprise him with a visit? Definitely a surprise visit that contains a whole drama.

Genre: fluff, a bit of suggestive (?), angst (more like a verbal fight tho)

Characters: Doctor Wonwoo x Female OC

Word Count: 3052

A/N: Hi! I’m a new writer and I only write for Seventeen atm. The name is Angel or you can call me Ella. English is my second language, so hopefully explain why writing is so bad. I used to write before but I had a writing block for over 3-4 years. Recently, I’m trying to train myself to write again. So I hope that all of you could give me some feedback or might challenge me to write some stories~ All of things happen on the story are fiction and some are real life experience. Enjoy!

"Finally, the hell week is over '' Hana lay her head down on the table. It was called hell week for a reason since the students had to take their final exam while also completing their practicals at the hospital. This is the week where a lot of students stay up, cry and stress together. Hana was also one of the students that pulled an all-nighter. To make it worse, she was not feeling herself. For a positive ball of energy like her, it’s unusual for that to happen.`I'm craving drinks, man. I wanna get drunk.." Siyeon said as she sat next to Hana with her iced americano. "Should we? Hana, you wanna go out tonight?" Jinjoo looked excited as she poked Hana. "I'm tired.." Hana mumbled from her arm. "That is why we should go out.." Jinjoo pouted as she tried to persuade her best friend. Hana sits up and drinks her iced tea in a daze. "Earth down to you, Hana. Are you good?" Jinjoo squeezed her friend's hand. "It must be about your husband, is it?" Siyeon guessed correctly which made Hana pouted. She looked at her sparkling wedding band on her ring finger. Jeon Wonwoo is Hana's husband and also a neurosurgeon at Seoul University Hospital. But currently, both of them are in a long-distance relationship since they are working and studying in different states. "How did you know?" Hana questioned, making Siyeon snicker. "It is so obvious, woman.." Hana pouted as she twirls the ring on her finger. Jinjoo looked at her best friend with a beaming smile. "How about you go and visit him? You know, give him a cute surprise~" Immediately, Hana's eyes lit up at the idea. “I mean, we already started our break. It doesn’t hurt for you to spend your time with your husband,” Siyeon encouraged her friend with a smile.

Hana was preparing her luggage when her phone rang. It is Wonwoo, who face-timed her. Hana scrambled, panicked before jumping on the bed to make it look like she did nothing. "Hi, baby. How are you?" Wonwoo's deep and gentle voice soothes Hana. She could make out that Wonwoo was also having a busy day judging by the tired smile on his face. Not only that, he was still wearing his white coat and his black thin-rimmed glasses subtly covered his dark eye bags. "Survived hell week. How are you? I missed you so much.." Hana beamed at the screen. "Miss you too, honey. Well, I had a few surgeries and I am also on call tonight, which is not fun. Have you eaten yet?" Hana nodded. "I did.. Take a quick nap okay? you look so tired, babe. Take care of your health too, if you are sick, how are you gonna take care of your patient?" Hana nagged her husband. "Yes, I understand, Mrs Jeon." He giggled. "I missed you so much.." Hana spoke softly. "Come here then.." Wonwoo grinned as he stretched. "Oh, I will. Just wait~" He laughed at her cute face scrunched.

"Who did you call?" Wonwoo turned to look at his fellow surgeon, Kwon Soon Young who pushed the door open. He came in with a cup of ramen with Jihoon, tagging along behind him. "My wife.." Wonwoo stood up and took a seat near the men as Jihoon put his ramen on the table. "You are married?" Sooyoung shouted. He was so shocked. He can’t believe this cold and stoic-looking man is already married. Soonyoung’s mind is revving to spill the tea about Wonwoo’s secret marriage to Seungkwan and Seokmin, the friendly nurses that he is close with. "It's obvious. He didn’t even hide that he is married. He even has his wife's picture in his locker and on his phone lock screen.Oh, I've met her once too," Jihoon said as he slurped the noodles. "Wait, am I the only person who didn't know? Can I meet her? Please?" Wonwoo sighed at his friend's persistence.

Wonwoo was finishing his round when he approached the nurses and doctors that he’s close with. "The infamous Jeon Wonwoo. Come and join us.." Yoon Jeonghan, the pediatric doctor called him. "We are talking about going out for dinner together tonight. I know your shift is gonna end today, so join us." Another pediatric doctor, Mingyu, excitedly urged him. "Mrs Jung, do you seriously agree with these nasty boys?" Wonwoo turned and asked the oldest nurse who is like his mom in the hospital, Mrs Jung. "I can't decline if someone is gonna buy me food and drinks. Doctor Min Ah Ra and Nurse Han Seo Jin are also going, so at least there are more women added to the party." She smiled. "I mean Doctor Min Ji seems very interested in you~You both would suit each other very much" Nurse Han Seo Jin wriggled her eyebrow at Wonwoo. Wonwoo looked very uncomfortable at the mention. Doctor Ah Ra is known for her straightforwardness in work and her love life. She always goes all out. Yesterday, she even bought him and Jihoon coffee and cakes. Even before that, she would always buy him food and sit near him. It’s not like he didn’t drop hints that he is not interested but in fact, he always declined and avoided her. Somehow, she didn't get it or she was just being persistent. "Should I be upfront and tell her that I'm married?" He thought. Sensing his discomfort, Mrs Jung said "I don't think that Doctor wonwoo think Doctor Ah Ra that way." Jeonghan also jumped to save him, "I guess it's true that Wonwoo is not interested in anyone.Oh, great news!  Soonyoung and Jihoon said that they are going to join us too. This is going to be more merrier!" 

Hana was very happy when she arrived at his apartment. When she entered the house, she smiled. The house was very clean despite being a bit dusty. "He must be very busy.." Hana cleaned his house and even stocked his fridge with food. She can't wait for him to come back home. After doing all the chores,she texted him to ask when he is available so she could call him, in order for her to  know when he is going to go home. "Sorry babe, I'm going out to eat with the team. Might be home around midnight though." He spoke softly. "Well, I miss you.." He chuckled. "If you want me to call you around midnight, sure~" Hana laughed as she snuggled in his bed. "Well, it's okay. We can talk tomorrow.." He sighed when he heard his name "sorry babe, duty calls.." She smiled. "Take care babe, love you.." He whispered. "Love you too darling". After the phone call, Hana pouted, thinking what she should do to kill some time. " Well, I should go shopping and eat great food.." She grinned as she searched for the restaurants that are popular in that area.

Not only SoonYoung and Jihoon follow them but the nurses, Seokmin and Seungkwan also joined the team. They were having bbq and enjoying the meat. "You know, I'm glad my children are older now. I can enjoy going out with you youngsters without stress." Mrs Jung laughed happily as she ate a piece of meat. "This is so good!" Seokmin sighed happily. Wonwoo nodded as he munched on his food. Doctor Ah Ra, like always, would stick near him. "Here a wrap. Says ahh..'' she tries to feed him a wrap. Wonwoo put his hand in front of him "it's okay. You should eat it.." Jeonghan and Jihoon looked at each other and sipped at their shots, at the awkward drama. Before nurse seojin can try to be a wing woman, Mrs Jung speaks out. "I guess we should play a game.. I really wanna see all of you youngsters play the game truth or dare without dare.. I'm too old for dare.." All of them laughed at her joke.

Hana grinned happily as she walked into the BBQ shop. "Hi, can I have a seat for a person.." The waitress nodded and brought her to a seat. "I'm sorry to inform you that the set comes for 2 people," she smiled at the waitress. "It's okay.., '' she grinned at the waitress. The waitress nodded at her before sitting her down at an empty table. Hana was looking around the BBQ restaurants when a group of people caught her eyes. They were laughing at one of the women's jokes. "I should invite Siyeon and Jinjoo here.." She pouted as she looked at her phone. However, the guy who sits at the edge of the table looked very familiar which made her double take. She looked up again to see the man,clearly. Lo and behold, it's her husband. She quickly ducks her head, hiding her face. "Oh no! I'm going to be caught."

"Which department doctor do you hate so much?" Jihoon asked the oldest nurse. "We all know Mr Kang Ho Jun from the cardiology department. That man is annoying!" Mr Jung huffed. All of them laugh. "Yup I can't deny it."  Jeonghan sighed, taking a shot. "So now let us turn the bottle.." It landed on Doctor Ah Ra. "Who is your ideal type amongst the doctors and why?" Nurse Seojin asked her. "My ideal type is doctor wonwoo. He is tall, handsome, and great at his work..." Everyone just wooed at her responses. Wonwoo wants to focus on the game despite his annoyance but the lady at the table in front of him caught his eyes. She was ducking her head awkwardly with a menu in her hands. He narrowed his eyes at the ring on her ring finger that looked awfully familiar. Then, he saw one of the waitresses come to her table. That is when she dropped the menu to talk with the waitress. She looked very hurried."Wonwoo it's your turn." He looked at them. "Huh?" Nurse Seojin goes again. "What nickname would you give to doctor Ji A?" Wonwoo's eyes travelled back to the familiar woman at the table in front and when the waitress moved, both of him and her eyes met. "Baby!" 

"Baby!" When Hana's eyes met Wonwoo, she knew she was busted. She waves awkwardly. Wonwoo spoke briefly at them before standing up and walked towards her. Before she said anything, he immediately hugged her. "Umm... Surprised..?" She giggled." When did you arrive?" He looked at her, grinning happily. "This afternoon..." He barked a laugh, "so when you called me earlier.." Hana grinned "I was on your bed.." Wonwoo shakes his head at her and leads her to his table. She looked at the people nervously. Not even wonwoo's hand behind her could soothe her nerves."Guys, this is my wife, Hana. Hana, this is my friend and colleague." She bowed to them "hello, I'm Hana, wonwoo's wife. Thank you for taking care of him while he is working at the hospital." Jeonghan waves "we met again, Hana..." Jihoon also put his hand's up, saying hi to her as they met before.

Hana sat next to Wonwoo. The woman next to him look at her with unreadable expression. "I never know you were married!" Seungkwan bellowed. "I thought everybody knows.. Mrs Jung knows too.. " wonwoo said as his hand wandered behind Hana's back. "How was your internship?" Jeonghan smiled at her. "It was great. I learned a lot at the hospital.." Hana mused. "No wonder wonwoo hides her. She is so pretty..." Soonyoung's word makes Hana hides her face to his side. “You are studying nurse, right? I hope I can work with you in the future,” Mrs Jung smiled fondly at her. “ I hope she can do her job very well then,” the woman next to her rudely. All of the people at the table looked uncomfortable at her statement. “ Oh! Since you never met us formally, this is Nurse Han Seo Jin and Doctor Ah Ra. Both of them worked in neurosurgery too,” Hana nodded in understanding and turned to Doctor Ah Ra. “It’s nice to meet you,”  Doctor Ah Ra rolled her eyes and just nodded as she drinks her soju.

Doctor Ah Ra keeps drinking her soju which makes all the people at the table become very nervous. The thing about doctor Ah Ra is, she is very outspoken but she can be much worse when she’s drunk. “ How did you guys meet?” Hana looked at Doctor Ah Ra.  “Oh, we were in the same school,” Doctor Ah Ra hummed. “So, you become a nurse because he is a doctor?” before Hana could retort her reason to be a nurse. “Are you stupid? You think that you can date while working if you do that?” Doctor Ah Ra snickered. Hana frowned. She doesn’t understand why this woman is attacking her. “I did not become a nurse because my husband is a doctor. I don’t get why you insinuate things, Doctor Ah Ra.” Doctor Ah Ra laughed bitterly. “I don’t get it. Why does he like you? Because you are cute? We all know cute girls are the most foxy ones. You are not even that pretty.” The others were rendered speechless by Doctor Ah Ra’s words. Hana could sense Wonwoo is heated with Doctor Ah Ra’s statement. “ Doctor Ah Ra, I think you should get home now. You drank too much..” His voice is low and serious. “ I don’t get it. Why don’t you like me back? I don’t care if you are married, you should be with me,” Hana was heated with Ah Ra’s childish words. “Are you even hearing what comes out of your mouth?” Doctor Ah Ra laughed. “Look, a lot of guys left their wife for me. It’s not my fault that they want me. Jeon Wonwoo, I don’t understand what is so attractive about her. Her look is just basic, and I doubt she is that intelligent-” The sudden bang shocked everyone. “ I don’t mind if you insult me but don’t insult my wife. You have crossed the line, Doctor Ah Ra. Excuse us, it is better for both of us to retire for the night. I’m sorry everyone,” Wonwoo stood up and gathered their things. Hana looked at the others, feeling bad for ruining their dinner. “I’m sorry for this Doctor Jeon,” Mrs. Jung looked at him, feeling guilty. He shook his head, “ No, It’s not your fault, Mrs.Jung. See you guys tomorrow,” 

“Are you okay,Wonwoo?” Hana sat down next to Wonwoo on the couch. “ I can’t believe Doctor Ah Ra has the nerve to say all of that. I thought that I didn’t drop hints that I was married and uninterested in her. It seems like she was ignoring those hints all along,” Wonwoo sighed. He used to feel so guilty when Doctor Ah Ra made moves on him, even though he, with the help of his other friends, did drop hints to her that he was uninterested and married. “It’s not your fault. It’s not like you give her false hope or anything. Some people choose to ignore things for their own happiness,” “Are you not mad or anything?” “ Why would I be angry about something that you can’t control? It’s not your fault that she falls for you. To be honest, I couldn’t get angry at her for falling for you but I am angry at her for not understanding boundaries,” Wonwoo hummed in understanding. “Anyway-” Hana quickly jumped on him, covering his face and neck with kisses. Wonwoo hauled in laughter. “You really miss me huh?” Hana kissed on the tip of his nose before answering. “ Of course. Who wouldn’t miss their husband, especially someone as hot as you?” Wonwoo grinned before flipping her on the couch. “Well, I guess I should give you all those loving that I missed during our last meeting,” 

“ Someone’s glowing,” Mrs. Jung grinned when she spotted Wonwoo walking to their circle. “I guess you have a good night,” Jeonghan lifted his eyebrow, teasing Wonwoo, making the man groan. “ Did he fu-” before the words leave Soonyoung’s mouth, Jihoon shoved the rice cakes into his mouth. “ Have some rice cakes, I brought when I was out of town for conference meeting,” Doctor Seungcheol from cardiology department pat Wonwoo’s back. “I heard about yesterday’s tea. I hope you will be fine today,” he smiled to assure Wonwoo. Before Wonwoo could say anything, Doctor Ah Ra made way for him. “ Doctor Jeon, can I talk to you for a minute?”. Wonwoo nodded before making her way to her office. “Have a seat,” She offered when they got into her office. “I’m fine. What is it?” He spoke coldly. Doctor Ah Ra sighed before apologizing. “ I apologize for yesterday. I guess I’m not good at handling things,” Wonwoo nodded without saying anything. “ I also hope to apologize to your wife directly. It was low on me for blowing my anger at her,” Wonwoo nodded before opening his mouth. “ I accept your apology. I hope we can work like before without any personal feeling attached,” . Hana was surprised when Doctor Ah Ra apologized to her directly when she was having lunch with Wonwoo. “ It is fine. I accept your apology,” she smiled softly at the woman. “ What I did was very wrong, so I am very sorry once again,” said Doctor Ah Ra before she dismissed herself. “ Did she really apologize?” Jeonghan ran and sat near the couple. “Yeah, why?” Wonwoo spoke as he finished chewing his food. “ Very surprised because she has a reputation,” Hana nodded, “ What reputation?” Wonwoo immediately cut, “ No need to worry baby,” Jihoon and Soonyoung came and sat at their table. “ Baby? Gross,” Jihoon snorted as he took a sip of his coke. Soonyoung grinned at Hana “ Hi, we meet again. I have a lot of questions to ask you,” Hana laughed at the man. “ Yeah, ask away” Soonyoung giggled when he got the approval before typing in his Tiger cased phone. “ Does Wonwoo love skinship?” Hana giggled before grinning deviously. “ He does look cold but he loves skinship. He is a very romantic guy despite his looks,” All of the boys wooed at the shy man who’s gaze was straight on his food. “ Ewww, tell me more!” Jihoon giggled. 

[jawritter]

Together

Request: Hey! Can I request a Jensen x reader where reader is pregnant. Plot is like can you write experience in like 3rd or 4th month? Everyday Jensen stays with reader in bathroom when she had morning sickness. Then goes with her for vitamin shots. Reader panics in the doctors room, so doctor lefts so that Jensen will calm her down. He stays with her through full experience, then time gap and direct delivery room experience? Where reader curses Jensen but they have a son and everything's lovey again❤️

Warnings: Angst I guess? Stressed Reader, Reader in labor, shameless misuse of pregnancy and labor terms probably, even though I’ve had two kids I’m no doctor. lol. Language, fluff, I think that’s it. 

Word Count: 1867

Beta’d by @deanwanddamons! Thanks so much hun!! ❤️

A/N: I hope this is okay anon!! It’s a little different from the request, but that's the way I saw it in my head lol. Every pregnancy is different guys! This is a fictional one shot! Not everyone needs the things the reader had to have in this fic! Also it doesn't matter how the baby gets here! Moms are power, strong, and awesome beings who deserve to be treated like the Gods they are!! Feedback is gold guys! Let me know what you think! Hope you all enjoy this one!! Flashbacks are broken off in sections, and in italics!

Want more? Check out my masterlist!!

***MASTERLIST***

“Okay, calm down Y/n,” you say to yourself as you pace the floor of your bedroom, waiting on Jensen to get there so that you could go to the hospital. Your phone is held out in front of you, the contraction counting app on your phone informing you that your contractions had in the last hour gone from 7 to 10 minutes apart, to 3 to 4 minutes apart. 

You had already called your doctor, and they said it was a good idea for you to go ahead and leave for the hospital. The only problem was, Jensen wasn’t there yet, and you were starting to panic.

He was filming late tonight. Even though he said in the text message he’d just sent that he’d be there in 10 minutes, you could feel the worry grip you tight in your chest. 

10 minutes…

That’s at least two, maybe three more contractions on your own without him.

They were getting stronger in length and intensity, to the point where you had to breathe through them, and also had to stop your pacing. 

You could already feel the beginnings of the next contraction. The uncomfortable tightening in your stomach letting you know it was coming, increasing in discomfort as the contraction peaked.

You tried to remember the breathing exercises you had learned in the birthing classes, and you knew that the contractions were only going to get a lot stronger, that this was just the beginning. 

You wanted to try and have a completely natural, drug free delivery.

Well it seemed like a good idea at the time, but as the strongest contraction you have had so far peaked , you were starting to rethink the whole epidural thing. 

Picking up your phone as your contraction started to ease up, you pressed the pause button on your phone counter and hurriedly dialed Jensen’s number, needing to hear his voice more than anything else right now. Your anxiety gripped at you tighter and tighter with each passing second.

“Baby, I’m on my way, five more minutes and I’ll be there, just hang tight okay.” Jensen’s voice came through the speaker, calm and deep as always. The man had a resolve of fucking monk, and it got under your skin in ways you couldn’t even describe at the moment.

“That’s not fast enough Jensen! This baby is coming, and I’m here by myself, so fuck you, and don’t you tell me to fucking calm down!” you yell at him through the phone, hormones and adrenaline making you a little more snappy at him then you had ever been in your life.

“Babe, easy, don’t stress out the baby. I will be there in plenty of time. The bags are already packed, and waiting for us in the car, all we have to do is get in it and go. Everything is going to be just fine! Have I ever left you alone throughout this whole pregnancy? You're gonna be just fine sweetheart, I’m almost there.”

He was right, and you knew he was. You instantly felt bad for yelling at him. 

He’d been with you through everything. 

When the morning sickness didn’t let up in the 3rd month, but instead stretched on in the fourth month he was right there…

-------------------------

Closing the toilet seat you flushed away the evidence of your morning sickness, and leaned your head back against the cool, porcelain of the bathtub next to you, taking deep breaths through your nose, trying to stave off the next wave of nausea that was already pulling at your senses. 

“Easy sweetheart, deep breaths,” Jensen said, as he sat down on the tub, running his fingers through your hair, gathering it up and pulling it up into a ponytail for you, before placing a cool, damp rag on your face.

“They said the second trimester was supposed to be the good trimester Jay! All this morning sickness was supposed to be over by now!!”

You were not only sick, but frustrated . This pregnancy had been hard, and this was the sickest you had ever been in your life. In these moments, it was hard to keep sight of the goal, which was a healthy baby and just soldier through it. Especially when the sickness had lasted this long for you.

“Remember what the doctor said? All these pregnancy symptoms, the morning sickness, the headaches, the fatigue, it’s all a sign that the baby is healthy and growing. We got an appointment for tomorrow to check on everything.  Right now, let’s just get something in your stomach so it will settle. I’ll go grab some crackers. That seemed to help some yesterday.”

-------------------------------

Jensen stayed on the phone with you until he got there, and true to his word everything was packed and ready to go. 

He even had a towel on the seat waiting for you, just in case your water broke. You hadn’t even thought about that.

The ride to the hospital was quite uncomfortable, but it was nothing compared to the next 20 hours. 

When you got to the hospital, the contractions were 3 to 2 minutes apart, they decided to keep you, since you were four centimeters dilated, and you were 100 % effaced. 

From that point on, the contractions became almost intolerable, and just when you thought you couldn’t take anymore, they got even worse.

The only problem was you weren’t progressing. 

You were still at 4 centimeters. The baby was still very high in positioning, and it just wasn’t going anywhere. 

You had tried everything. Walking as much as you could, sitting on a birthing ball, peanuts pillows between your legs, everything. Nothing had helped!! 

Now the doctors were talking about things that just weren’t in your birth plan. Epidurals, possible c-sections… Things you just didn’t want to do. 

You were upset, you were exhausted, and you were angry, especially at Jensen.

“Baby girl, you’re so fucking amazing, and taking an epidoral will help not only you, but the baby rest as well. If your body can relax you can progress without the help of pitocin, and hopefully avoid a section.”

“Fuck you Jensen. You know this is not how I planned for this to go! How can you just suggest I just give up! You know how I feel about needles.”

There it was. The real reason you hated the idea of having the epidural. Your irrational fear of needles.

“Baby girl. Remember when you got really, really sick during this pregnancy? You had to go have those vitamin shots? They helped didn’t they? Baby, this will help to.Please, I don’t like seeing you in pain.”

Looking into his jade, slightly bloodshot eyes from exhaustion, you could see he was telling you the trust, that he was genuinely worried about you. He’d not slept any in over 48 hours, combined with work, and now this labor dragging on. Still, he never once complained.

Your mind drifted back to those vitamin shots he was talking about, and he was right, they did help.

------------------------------

“Mrs. Ackles, you're going to have to stay calm.  It’s not that bad of a shot, I promise you. You will barely even feel it.” 

The doctor was quickly losing his patience  with your hysterical state, and you could tell , but you people just don’t understand what it’s like to fear something so completely, that you can’t see past it the way you did about needles. Your anxiety didn’t help you either. 

“Let me talk to her.” Jensen said, coming over to your side, and wrapping his arms around as you buried your face into his shoulder, body still shaking with the fear that was gripping you.

You heard the door to the room close , and you felt Jensen’s lips brush the top of your forehead. His strong hands rubbing up and down your back in an attempt to sooth you.

“Baby girl, it’s gonna be okay. This will help you, and the baby. If you're not well, the baby isn’t well either. He depends on you to get his nutrients. You both need this. It’s one little pinch and that’s it. Then you will feel so much better.”

“I know Jay. I’m just terrified, and I can’t calm down.”

Jensen tightened his grip around you, one large hand coming down over your stomach. A comforting, grounding weight in the midst of all your anxiety induced confusion.

“I’ll be right here the whole time.” 

You heard the door open, and the doctor and nurse reentered the room.

“You just keep your face buried where it’s at, and it will be over before you know it. I’m not going to let anything hurt you, and I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

“Okay.” you finally agreed to let them give you the vitamin shot. Burying your face closer into his shoulder, and breathing his scent in deeply. 

----------------------------

The vitamin shot did help, and it wasn’t even that bad. 

Your fears at the time were irrational, and you knew that was the case now.

It didn’t make you any less of a woman to have an epidural. It didn’t make you weak, or any less of a Mom, and you knew that. It was just your fear. 

But Jensen was here, and he would always be here. Even though you had been hard on him, he was right here, and you knew he’d protect you with everything in you.

“Okay, okay, let’s do the epidural.” you said, almost in defeat. Jensen’s lips came to meet yours in a quick peck. Relief evident on his face. 

“Okay baby girl. Let’s get you some relief.”

----------------------------------

The epidural wasn’t as near as bad as you thought, and it did allow not only your body to rest and progress, but also for Jensen, as well as you, to get about three hours of much needed sleep. 

You were even well enough rested to go through the whole process of birth a little clearer, and not in as much pain. The two of you bringing your little miracle man in the world together. 

Jensen never left your side throughout the whole delivery, and even now that he was here, sitting as close to you as possible with his arm thrown around your shoulders, holding the both of you as you nursed your new little miracle. 

“You did it sweetheart. He’s perfect.” Jensen said, placing a kiss to the top of your head, lingering there longer than needed.

“No Jay. We did it together, and I’m sorry I was such a bitch during the delivery,” you told him, resting your head against his shoulders. 

Jensen’s deep chuckle next to you made you smile a little, as he remembered some of the things labor made you say to him.

“If we ever have another one, I’m wearing a cup just to be on the safe side.” 

You had never felt so close to him in all of your life. This had brought you both into a deeper level of love and respect. One that you didn’t even know existed. 

No matter what you had to face raising this baby boy, you’d do it the way he came into this world. 

Together. 

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Tag List: @screechingartisancashbailiff​ @thecreatiivecorner​  @aflamboyanceofgays @vicmc624​ @busy-bee-angel-misska​ @justanotherwinchester​ @deanwanddamons​​ @imabitch4jensen​​ @rvgrsbrns​​ @bi-danvers0​​ @onethirstyunicorn​​ @i-love-superhero​​ @akshi8278​ @alanegaming @magssteenkamp​ @lemondropirwin​ @squirrelnotsam​ @hobby27​ @spnbaby-67​ @mrsjenniferwinchester​ @defenderrosetyler​ 

[just-anka]

I realised I haven’t really regularly posted here since like... I don’t even know, September? It’s been a while, anyway. A lot happened, and I now feel like actually writing a post for the first time in a while, so here goes haha. The first bullet point is entirely work waffle so feel free to skip. Apologies in advance for the fact that this post will probably reach novel length by the time I’m done. 

• I took a week off in late September before Ben started his new job so we could go to the mountains for a bit, and it was a much-needed little break from work. And pretty much right after I got back, work got completely mental - nothing bad as such, just one thing after the other, loads of deadlines, so many important things. First I was finishing up data for a paper (first authorship was being debated which is partially why I threw myself into the job so much, but it looks like it’ll be the PhD student before me’s now, which is how it should be tbh, it’s much more hers than it is mine), then the date for my first committee meeting was set and I suddenly had only two weeks to prepare (did not think it was going to be that short notice, whoops, had a very stressful two weeks but all went well - for us, this meeting means presenting our research plan and preliminary data to a committee of four professors so they can give you input, it’s not suuuper formal but still pretty stressful), then I had to write the report for that (I love writing so that one was okay), then there was suddenly a lot to do for a really important cooperation with a company (big money responsibility which stressed me the fuck out), and then, just as I thought I was pretty much done for the year, I realised I needed my lab book up to date for my end of year meeting with my PI (which wouldn’t be such a big deal, except I didn’t have a lab book at the time. Never got around to starting one. So nine months of lab book were written within another very stressful week). Whew. Even writing this out makes me feel like that was a lot haha. 

• After the end of year discussion, I really was done for the year - I officially worked until the 23rd but there was not that much actual work happening, and with the pressure off after months, I properly crashed for a few days. Ben left for England on the weekend after to see his family for christmas etc, and I spent most of that weekend sleeping and doing very little. It was needed. Then my mum came to visit me for the holidays and we had four really lovely days together, also involving a lot of chilling (the only actual thing we did was that magical winter hike that I posted some pictures of the other day). 

• And now I’m skiing! I was planning to go to England as well for NYE to see Ben’s family, but with the corona situation escalating again lately I decided it was too risky for just a few days. So I made a last-minute plan to go skiing by myself instead, because all that involves is a 2 hour train journey. I’m actually staying in a hotel too, which I’ve never done by myself before, I’m usually a dorm in a hostel type of person, but well. Covid has changed a lot of things :D trying to stay safe and away from people, which is of course not entirely possible in a ski resort, but it’s going okay. The skiing itself is great, it’s really nice having some time to go at my own pace and a few days in a row. Today was day 4 and I’ve really found my groove again (more on that later). There’s not much snow though so not many off-pisteing opportunities :/ I’m staying until Monday and then it’s back to work on Wednesday. 

• Speaking of skiing, we’ve got season passes this year, my first season and Ben’s second. We’ve just been doing on the weekends so far - since the 21st of November I just realised while looking back in my calendar! That’s one hell of an early season start haha. We did just one day three weekends and then one full weekend right before Ben left. The first few days were bloody hard. For context, I learned to ski before I learned to walk and loved it as a child, then stopped for a few years because I felt like I wasn’t progressing anymore and was getting bored with it, basically. Then last January I went to France with Ben and his skiing friends and got introduced to freeriding and the idea of ski touring, and now I’m back to loving it haha. I’d ideally like to not have to resort ski anymore at one point (meaning touring) because I know it’s terrible from an environmental standpoint but... idk. It’s currently my only option, and I love it a lot, so I guess it feels okay? Anyway, since I learned to ski so early, it’s the one sport that I’ve always been pretty good at and like, never get scared, at least not on piste. Until this year. The first three individual days were just all kind of horrible, the conditions weren’t ideal with very hard surface and tons of ice and pretty busy slopes, and only steep terrain open as well (Engelberg, our “home” resort - we have a season pass that encompasses a bunch of resorts so we’re not limited to one - is literally dead flat beginner’s slopes, which weren’t open in the beginning, or red runs that should be black and black lol). Pairing loads of ice with my old skis which barely have an edge anymore was... not ideal. I was so scared constantly and it made me like I lost all my ability etc etc. But yeah, turns out I just needed a few days and some easier conditions to get back into it, and now ice and steep stuff and everything is fine again. Who would’ve thought. (a sensible person, probably). 

• But then, the full weekend we skied in December was awesome! Saturday already felt much better and then it snowed a bunch over night and Sunday we spent all day powder skiing, basically. I learned SO much and just had an absolute ball! Definitely one of the best days skiing I’ve had, and one of the best days recently in general. 

• Plus that whole weekend was just lovely, car camping in a campsite full of huge campervans was pretty fun :D I love the looks we get when people see the car and clearly wonder where we sleep. And we’ve got our setup perfected for winter now so both the nights were toasty. Friday night we had dinner in “bed” watching a movie, and Saturday night we sat in the little kitchen (the campsite has it open for everyone, but everyone else there has a camper, so it doesn’t seem to be used much) drinking tea and playing cards and ahh. Camping in the mountains. My ideal life eh? (though the weekend before this wonderful one, we got snowed in because it dumped over a metre over night completely unexpectedly and that was stressful as hell, but I think that’s a story for another day, if ever, I’m kind of trying to forget that day :’D) 

• Yesterday I also finally took the plunge and ordered new skis. Been debating for ages which ones to get but I’ve finally decided and I’m now very excited! 

• Ok this post so far reads as “work and skiing” which is pretty much what November and December were and probably what January is going to be too haha. Ben and I want to ski another week together end of January as well, and there’s some big exciting work things coming up as well. 

• Even though I have to admit, now that I’m on a break, I’ve spent a lot of time dreading work and questioning my career choices and all of that lark... sigh. I love my job most of the time, but I kind of hate having a job? If that makes sense? Sometimes (okay a lot of the time) I just wish I had more time for other things that I care about. But I also now I’m lucky to have that job, especially this year, and lucky to have a job I don’t hate, and get to do a lot of fun stuff on the side, even if it often means little sleep and downtime. 

• Speaking of things I care about, I was on a proper roll with writing for a few days before and after Christmas. It’s ebbed off again a bit, but it was still pretty cool, and my totally-useless-all-cheese-project is now 33,000+ words long and like, half-way there story wise. Had a lot of fun with that. 

• Lastly, Ben is still in England, and he’s coming back next Sunday, and I can’t wait! I miss him so much when we’re not together it’s actually silly. Although it’s less stressful this time than the last few times because... we live together, his work just offered him an unlimited contract from January, and I’m stuck here for another 2-3 years, so it looks like we’ll actually get to be in the same place for now. Which is all I wished for last year, and I’m so damn grateful - that stability really is the best thing 2020 has brought for me. And, as he said, even though we were apart for the start of the new year, it will hopefully bring more time together than any previous year ♡

• Okay I think this is long enough now, if you actually made it until here you’re a hero and I will try and post a bit more regularly again now to avoid this size of mind dump :’D I hope you all got into the new year alright, it feels very strange to me that it’s 2021 because I actually slept through midnight on new year’s for the first time since I was tiny haha but I’m sure a lot of people feel the same way! 

[dammithawke]

Catra and Adora attend Perfuma's meditation session. Bonus points for Melog!

Send me more Catradora prompts! I’m having so much fun <3

[Let me know what you think of this on Ao3!]

The first time, Catra met with Perfuma alone. Or rather, as alone as they could be in Brightmoon. One of the spare rooms was deemed acceptable, but only after Perfuma had opened every window and, for good measure, placed a single potted flower at the center of the room. With some effort, Catra did what she was asked. She breathed, she sat, she thought. She tried to let go.

It was hard.

The next time they met, Melog joined them. The magicat had insisted, after seeing how ruffled Catra looked after the first try. His presence, it turned out, helped more than either Catra or Perfuma could have expected. When Perfuma started waxing a little too poetic, Melog was there, mane flickering orange as Catra tried so very, very hard not to be annoyed at every word that came out of the princess’s mouth. When Catra needed a little extra help settling her racing thoughts, he was there to climb in her lap and purr until she was distracted.

The third time they met, Perfuma had made Melog a little vest that read “Therapy Cat”. Oh, Melog did enjoy Perfuma.

It wasn’t until their fifth session that Adora joined them.

The room was quiet when they entered, Perfuma already seated with her eyes closed. The lights, despite the sun being high outside, were dim in the lavash spare room. Catra gave Adora’s hand a gentle squeeze before letting go, moving to sit on one of the cushions Perfuma had set up in a wide triangle on the floor.

Adora just stared.

A minute passed. Then another. Finally, Perfuma and Catra were both looking up at Adora expectantly.

“You gotta sit, dummy.” Catra quirked an eyebrow at her.

“I- I knew that.” Adora’s face went beat red and she awkwardly sat down. She tried to mimic how Catra and Perfuma were sitting, legs crossed with their hands in their laps, but where their fingers were limp and relaxed, Adora’s were balled tightly into fists.

Catra, beside her, was snickering.

“So,” Perfuma said in a gentle voice. “What are your thought-goals for today?”

“My what?” Adora stared blankly.

“You know, just what do you want to work on? What would you help with?” Perfuma watched her expectantly. When Adora just stared back, Perfuma gave a slow nod. “Ok, maybe Catra and I can go first, so you know what I mean. I, personally, would like to accept more positivity in to my life, and will myself to open my heart to new people.”

Adora’s brow furrowed, but she still turned to look at Catra curiously.

“I’d need-” Catra paused, looking down at her hands as she sheathed and unsheathed her claws. “I mean, I would like to focus on my anger. Again, I guess. And anxiety.”

Perfuma nodded approvingly as Melog padded over to her, bumping their head against Perfuma’s knee. “Do you have a goal too, Melog?” She gave them a scritch under the chin.

The cat gave a meow that seemed to echo in Adora’s head, almost ringing.

“They say… They want to mourn and-” Catra stopped, mid-translation to snort. “And learn to accept more food.”

That helped ease some of the tension in Adora’s shoulders, but not all of it. Perfuma was giggling and nodding approvingly, before turning her attention once again to Adora.

“So? What would you like to work on? Is there anything you’re having trouble with?”

“No. No.” Adora said it almost too quickly, giving a nervous laugh. “I mean, I’m fine. I’m great. Everything is great.” Her hands were still balled in fists, and she was doing her damnedest not to look either of the other women in the eye.

Perfuma, bless her, put a comforting hand on Adora’s still-clenched fist.

“I can make some suggestions,” Catra offered, smirking and raising an eyebrow teasingly.

“Are they productive?” Perfuma glanced at her.

“...I can make some different suggestions.” Catra grunted, ears flattening in annoyance.

Somehow, Adora’s back just got more tense. Perfuma, for her part, nodded approvingly and motioned for Catra to continue, saying, “Go on.”

Catra shifted a bit to face Adora better. Slowly, as if she were Bow trying to explain to Scorpia how parents, aunts, cousins, and second cousins work, she said, “You literally just need to learn how to relax.”

Adora scrunched up her face. “Wow. Oh, fuck, wow. I cannot believe you, my own girlfriend, would accuse me of-”

“I’m not accusing you of anything!” Catra rolled her eyes. “It’s just a statement of fact. The war’s over and you still train like you’re fighting one. You still throw punches in your sleep. Hell, you flipped Bow yesterday for surprising you. You do not know how to relax.”

Adora opened and closed her mouth, making sounds as if she were going to say something, but she couldn’t decide what. Finally, she settled on crossing her arms and glaring.

“Ok, ok,” Perfuma put out a hand to each of them, trying to keep her voice soothing. “I’m sensing some hostility here. Adora, Catra; lets just take a breath, ok?”

Perfuma made a show of breathing in deeply, and then out. On her second breath, Catra at least joined her, forcing her eyes closed. Melog paced beside her, tail whipping about irritably, until the third breath.

Adora tried -- sort of.

Her inhale was sharp, and her exhale was more of a huff. Forceful, as if a hard enough blow could just eject the stress from her entire being. Catra opened an eye to watch her and, before Perfuma could stop her, burst out laughing.

“I should have known…” Catra shook her head as Adora opened her eyes again to glare at her. “How did I know this would be the one thing I could beat you at.”

“Meditation isn’t a competi-” Perfuma’s scolding was cut off by a scoff from Adora.

“Beat me at it? Oh, please. I bet I could meditate twice as hard as you.”

“You’re don’t really meditate hard-” Perfuma tried again.

“I’ll take that bet.” Catra moved to her knees, putting her hands on Perfuma’s arm. “How’s this. You guide us, we see who can meditate better. Flower-girl tells us who wins.”

“And what will I get when I win?” Adora laughed. There was already a gleam of determination in her eye.

“Can’t the reward just be a clear mind?”

“Perfuma, be serious. This is a serious matter.” Catra waved her off and kept her focus on Adora. “If I win, I want your shirt.”

“My shirt?” Adora looked down at her white long-sleeve shirt, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes. That one.” Catra hooked a claw in the sleeve of it, pulling Adora’s arm closer to her. “You’ve had it way too fucking long.”

“Alright. Alright, and if I win--”

“Which you won’t.”

“--When I win,” Adora pressed on, “You have to start joining me on my morning jog.”

“Oh, no fucking way. Not happening.” Catra shook her head adamantly. 

“Just for a week.” Adora allowed, offering her hand to her girlfriend.

Catra hesitated, but finally shook the offered hand roughly. “Fine. But you’re not gonna win.”

“We’ll see.” Adora finally turned back to Perfuma, determination slathered over her face like war paint.

Perfuma, through all this, looked absolutely horrified, gaping at her friends. The potted plant, placed about a foot from her left knee, wilted as she paled.

“Alright, we’re ready. Meditate us.” Adora gave her a firm nod.

The next morning, Adora woke up at dawn. She lingered for a few minutes, watching Catra’s steady breathing as Melog cuddled close to her. The feline woman wore the remains of Adora’s shirt; the sleeves slashed off and the hem of the shirt cropped off. A fond smile touched Adora’s lips.

It did look better like this.

[izzielizzie]

Chapter Three

Nate’s chapter is finally here! Sorry it took so long, but I hope the wait was worth it. And, as always, a big thank you to the very lovely @natewynoou​ for checking in with me, allowing me to steal some ideas, and being an overall great friend. Okay, here you go:

“How are you Nate?” My counselor asks me as I sit in front of his desk after school. I was called to his office to “talk about my week” which is a shit excuse since it’s only Tuesday.  I thought he wanted to lecture me on my attendance or my grades or some other crap he knows I don’t care about, but the look of actual concern on his face is telling me this isn’t that type of meeting.

“I’m okay,” I say cautiously. You can never tell what these people really want.

“Good, good. Yesterday must have been traumatic for you, huh?”

And there’s the ulterior motive. Simon. “Yeah, I guess so,” I say, crossing my arms. 

“You were one of the last people to see him alive.” A statement, not a question.

“Yeah, I was.” I can feel myself shutting down and putting up walls. This is starting to feel less like a conversation and more like an interrogation. 

“Interesting, considering your history.”

“My history?”

“You know, being in the wrong place at the wrong time.” Damn. That was my excuse the first time the police found me at a drug transaction. I didn’t know Mr. I-already-forgot-his-name knew about that. I’m thrown off guard, but I don’t show it. I laugh a humorless laugh and cross my arms, settling in my chair.

“I guess so.”

My counselor searches my face for a beat before nodding. “You seem okay. I think this concludes our meeting, Mr. Macauley.”

I stand, thankful to end this strange meeting. “Thanks,” I say, walking past his desk to push open the door and make my way into the hallway. It’s nearly four in the afternoon, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I might as well just go home. I’m about to leave the building when I hear someone sniffling. I should keep walking. Some crying girl isn’t my problem, but I recognize the person sitting at the base of the stairwell. “Bronwyn?” I ask, walking towards the girl. Maybe she’s upset about yesterday? I mean, she did watch someone die. She seemed okay when I drove her home last night, but maybe she’s not. The girl stops sniffling and twists her torso to look at me. Huh. Okay, it’s not Bronwyn. It’s someone much worse.

“Nathaniel?” I cringe at my full name. But Maeve Rojas moved away before I insisted people call me Nate. 

“It’s Nate,” I say. Maeve snorts and pushes her gym bag off the stairs next to her. I suppose that means I’m supposed to sit next to her. I don’t though. I lean against the banister and look down into her freckled face. It’s tearstained, and her amber eyes are dull. I haven’t seen Maeve since she was nine, and she looks a lot healthier now. I wonder briefly if she still has cancer. But I can’t figure out how to ask that without sounding like a fucking idiot, so I don’t. 

“What do you want?” she asks me.

“You were crying,” I say.

“And?”

“I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

She stares at me, and for some reason, she cracks up. Like, full out laughing so hard she’s crying again. She doubles over and wraps her arms around her small body. Nate Macauley. Comedic genius. “Jesus, Nate, since when do you care?”

I don’t know how to answer her, so I don’t. I look at her for a moment before turning on my heel and stalking away. I push through the doors of the school and make a beeline for the parking lot, where my bike is parked. I have the urge to kick it, but it’s old and the only thing I own that isn’t broken, so I refrain. I’m about to climb onto my bike and stress drive around greater San Diego when someone calls my name. I turn, and it’s Bronwyn. Jesus. Just what I need: another Rojas.

“Yes?” I ask when Bronwyn approaches me. She’s wearing jeans for once, and it’s a little off-putting. She always wears dresses. 

Bronwyn stares at me for a moment, unsure. “I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out.”

“What?” Now I’m the one who’s unsure. In the past five minutes, every single thing I’d known about the Rojas sisters to be true is apparently not true. Bronwyn Rojas doesn’t want to hang out with a person like me. Her family made that clear five years ago when they slammed their front door in my face.

“Hang out? I could use a distraction.” I’m pretty sure my definition of a distraction is a lot more destructive than Bronwyn’s, but she looks desperate.

“Um, okay?”

“Great.” She stands there, staring at me, the sun illuminating coppery streaks in her dark hair. I stare back at her, and suddenly we’re cracking up. “This is so awkward,” she says, wrapping her arms around her body the same way Maeve did. It’s crazy how similar they are.

“It is,” I agree. I’m leaning back against my motorcycle. I straighten and offer her my helmet. “How do you feel about pizza?”

I’m laughing so hard the waitress is eyeing me weirdly. Halfway through an olive and pepper pizza, Bronwyn and I have fallen into a giddy, half drunk state that I haven't been in since I was a kid. There’s something about Bronwyn’s sense of humor that makes her endearing. Back when we went to the same elementary school, we were best friends, and I passed most of my time listening to her laugh. We’ve overlooked the awkwardness of our situation and relationship (or lack thereof) for just today, and I’ve got to say, it’s a little surprising that I can still feel so comfortable with her. 

“Nate, do you remember that day in gym class? When we played baseball?” Bronwyn’s glasses are tilted on her nose, and there’s a bit of crust in her hand that she seems to have forgotten about. She’s at ease in her chair, her legs crossed. She’s tied her hair up in a bun, and she looks beautiful. She always does, obviously, but now she’s just on another level. Maybe because I haven’t been this close to her in… forever. 

“Fifth grade right?” I ask this like it’s a passing time I hardly remember and not one of my favorite memories, the one I pull out of the box in my mind that holds the things that give me comfort. 

Bronwyn grins at me like she’s a teacher and I’m a student who finally understands the purpose of multiplication. “Yeah!” Her smile drops. “I think that was the last time we were all… you know.”

I know. It was the last time we were friends. And by we, I don’t mean just me, and Bronwyn, and Maeve, but Cooper Clay, Addy Prentiss, and Luis Santos too. The memory hits me, all of a sudden, of that day:

We were in gym class, the five of us. Maeve hadn’t been in school for years at this point, but she knew about all the goings on in that private school. Cathlic school was not my favorite, but my friends made it better. We were playing baseball, and much to Cooper’s chagrin, Jake Riordan was pitching. He only went to our school for a year, but Jake was the bane of Cooper’s existence. I have no idea why they’re best friends now. I was playing first base, which still baffles me. I hate baseball, and I suck at it. Luis was catching, which was definitely not a surprise. Bronwyn was up to bat, and one of the obnoxious boys on my team told Jake to strike her out. Normally, something like this would have made Bronwyn burst into tears, but for some reason, Bronwyn just smiled a slow smile that I’d come to learn meant danger. I could feel a swell of pride in my chest before Bronwyn had even done anything. I caught Cooper’s eye on third base, and we grinned at each other. We watched as Bronwyn swung, and made contact with the ball. Bron never had good aim, but the ball sped towards the boy (I think his name was Sean), and hit him straight in the face. Bronwyn might not have been a good baseball player, but she sure was a good actress. Her apologetic shock was so convincing that Sean had been sent to the nurse by the gym teacher and Bronwyn had been warned to keep her hits soft.

We had spent the rest of the day in suppressed joy, grinning at each other from across classrooms and laughing loudly, but not loud enough to draw attention, when we regrouped at lunch to tell the story to Addy, who had art class when we had gym. 

“We need to tell Maeve,” Addy had said as she wiped tears from her eyes.

“For sure,” Cooper had agreed.

Three hours later, we piled into Maeve’s hospital room, claiming our usual seats: Addy in the armchair, Bronwyn at the foot of the bed, Cooper on the spindly chair, and me on the window seat. Luis got the coveted privilege of crawling onto the bed next to Maeve, a spot we rotated between the five of us. We grinned at each other as Maeve laughed herself sick. Laughter was the best medicine, Mrs. Rojas had told us once when Maeve was really sick, and we’d taken that to heart, making Maeve laugh so hard and so frequently that she would start coughing until a nurse came running in. 

I’m brought back to myself, and see Bronwyn grinning at me again. “I miss that,” she says quietly, like she isn’t sure she’s allowed to say that.

“I do too.” I pause. “Thanks for offering to hang out.”

“You’re welcome Nate.”

[mhdiaries]

Wave 2 Frankie Stein Diary

The 15th day of September

Watzit got into big trouble today while I was at school. Somehow, he got into dad’s lab and snuck out with apart from one of dad’s projects. Good thing mom was looking out the window and saw Watzit trying to bury it. Dad was still pretty amped up by the time I got home. “That animal is too smart for its own good – I’ve got a good mind to replace its brain with a sheep’s or one from a soft sciences professor.” I think Watzit just misses me when I’m at school so I’m going to start getting up extra early to take him for a longer walk before I leave. Hopefully that will help – otherwise I’m going to have to kennel him during the day = (.

The 24th day of September

I used to think that being the “new girl” was the hardest thing about going to school but now I’m thinking that being the “not so new girl” is kinda hard too. When I was the new girl and I did something dumb everybody said, “You’re new – don’t be so hard on yourself – you’ll get the hang of it.” My friends have also done a lot of things for me, which is good and bad. Good because it kept me from embarrassing myself, and bad because there are some things I didn’t learn to do on my own and now everybody expects me to know those things and when I mess something up that I should know it’s like really, really embarrassing. Like I never really paid much attention to where my classrooms were when I started at MH – total brain short on my part I know – but it was just easier to follow Draculaura or Clawdeen and because they always insisted on showing me around I didn’t really learn they layout of the school. So yesterday we were on our way to class when I totally got caught up in a zombie flash mob and when I finally got away, I was in a part of the school I didn’t recognize and totally lost. I thought if I peeked into one of the classrooms that maybe a teacher could help me. I saw this big iron door and was about to open it when somebody behind me said, “That wouldn’t be a good idea.” I nearly jumped out of my stitches. It was Spectra Vondergeist. She said, “Oh, it looks like I frightened you… good.” Then she pointed to a sign above the door that read, Basement Levels, “Now unless you have a ball of twine or a Minotaur in your pocket you probably don’t want to go down there – follow me.” I followed her down the hallways listening to her stories about MH. They were all interesting but they kind of all were starring her. She did get me back to class though which was really nice of her. Of course, I was really late, and the teacher wanted to know where I had been – I said I got lost, the whole class laughed, and I got detention because the teacher thought I was giving her attitude. After class Ghoulia showed me how to GPS all my classes with my iCoffin so it wouldn’t happen again – oh well, just another lesson for the “not so new girl anymore.”

The 25th day of September

I went to breakfast with my dad this morning, which was scary fun although I didn’t think it was going to be at first. See, he goes to the same die-ner every Saturday morning and has breakfast with the same group of monsters and mad scientists. Mom said he’s been doing it for years. I asked her if she ever went and she just laughed. “I don’t take your father with me to shop for shoes and he doesn’t take me when he gets together with his friends to solve all of the world’s problems.” “Why not?” I asked. Mom gave me a hug and said, “Because my love, there are times when practical advice can just take all the fun out of life.” Then from behind us I heard dad say, “Unless it comes from your parents and then it is to be heeded at all costs.” Then Dad rushed us out the door because he wanted to make sure we got there before the banana scary pancakes ran out. I said, “I’m not a little girl dad, I can eat grown up food you know.” “Of course, you can my dear, but who said I was thinking about you?” Dad’s friends turned out to be really nice and pretty funny for a bunch of monster geeks especially when they started telling stories about dad ;). I could see that they all really like him though and since my dad has a very self-decapitating sense of humor it made the time totally fun. I don’t think I’d want to get up early every Saturday morning but I’m glad I got to see that my dad can be a regular monster too. Hey, who knew? Oh, and the banana scary pancakes? Definitely worth getting there early for.

The 1st day of October

My stitches are still coming loose at exactly the wrong time. Dad ordered some special monstertanium thread that he said was stronger than dragon’s breath and would totally fix the problem. Yeah – not so much. I was standing on a ladder in the gym helping Draculaura hang up a banner for this week’s pep rally when Clawd and some of the football team walked through wearing their game day jerseys. One of the guys on the team is a gargoyle from Scotland who has the dreamiest accent and the most scary handsome crystal grey eyes. I said hi to everybody by name but when I got to him, I totally blanked. I just stood there absolutely mortalfied and finally called him by her jersey number… “7” … lame I know… but then the rest of the guys started teasing him and I got so anxious that my arm fell and then the rest of me fell too. I don’t know how he did it but somehow “7” caught both my arm and me. All the guys started clapping and Clawd said, “How come you don’t catch like that at practice?” “7” was talking to Clawd but looking at me when he said, “If the passes ye threw were as pretty as this lass, I’d nay drop another.” At least that’s what Draculaura said he said. I don’t remember anything after I feel off the ladder except strong arms and crystal grey eyes.

The 7th day of October

Fear Squad practice was terrible today. Cleo was totally impossible to please, and we started and stopped several times before she finally just cancelled practice altogether. Then at lunch Purrsephone, Meowlody and Toralei were all saying that it was because of the blowup that Clawd had with Spectra and the rumor was that Cleo was going to break up with Deuce, Deuce was going to start dating Operetta and Clawd was definitely back in the picture with Cleo. I was really bummed cause they’re all my friends and I didn’t want to have to take sides. I saw Lagoona later and asked her what she thought about the rumors. She asked me who was spreading them and when I told her she just laughed and said, “Not every seagull that yabbers has found a fish.” Coming from Lagoona that somehow made me feel better, confused but better.

The 12th day of October

Monster Heritage Essay by Frankie Stein

That’s all I’ve written so far but I’m really excited about the assignment cause I’m going to get to learn so much scary cool stuff about my classmates. I thought that for part of my heritage research I would read that book that was written about my parents, but I couldn’t find a copy of it in the house. I asked mom why and she said the author had taken, “certain liberties with the truth” but if I wanted to check out a copy from the library, she would be happy to answer any questions I had. When I asked dad about the book, he used an expression I’d never heard before, but I guess mom had because she made that noise in the back of her throat that means some monster is in trouble. Dad hung his head and looked kind of creepish for a bit until mom stood on her tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek. I don’t need to read a book to find out about my monster heritage. I get to see it every day – how scary cool is that?

The 16th day of October

I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed we were planning to have the scary best dance ever until an evil teacher cancelled it and we had to have the dance in a secret location under the school. Everything was going as planned when this strange monster in a shiny suit with lots of hair appeared and started yelling that this was his dream and we were going to start over. I totally jumped into another dream but the only think I remember from that one was the intense feeling of being a stranger. It must have been stressful though cause when I woke up, I was upside down and one of my arms had fallen off. No more ghost chili pizza for me before bed.

The 24th day of October

I met a new ghoul today! At least new to me = ) Her name is Abbey Bominable and I think she’s really sweet even if she does take a bit to warm up to. Anyway we were waiting in line together at the creepateria and she was asking the lunch ladies to explain what was in the food. The line started to back up and some monsters were yelling at her to hurry up. I think she was starting to get frustrated so I told her to go with the screechza since it was pretty easy to recognize most of the stuff they put on it. She gave me a look so serious that I thought I had said something I shouldn’t have but then she smiled and thanked me. We sat together and I learned that she lives in the mountains about the school, loves to snowboard and that her first language is Yetish. She said she could understand what was being said most of the time but that the slang kept tripping her up because it was hard not to take everything literally. I told her that sometimes I still did the same thing. Then I told her that I would help her with her slang if she would teach me how to snowboard. She thought for a moment and then said, “I think that would be the cool that is scary.” Hehe I bet she learns slang faster than I learn to snowboard = ).

[blackrosesfanfic]

Chapter 240

Chris

"Christopher, this is fucking real." Amber snaps.

I sit up in bed. "Bae."

She stands in front of the mirror. "This is going to be fucking... There's so much shit. I will be having a baby next year. What are we doing? Tell people? Not?"

"Girl, go to damn sleep."

"I can't." She blows. "Do you want to go with me to tell my parents? I mean like you going with me. So when we going?"

I sigh. "Arrange it and let me know. I don't fucking care. Go to sleep."

She walks towards the bedroom door. "It's fucking late. Get out the bed, FatHead."

"Walk faster." I groan.

"Aye, Chris." Trey says walking in the room.

I sigh. "Yeah."

"Cammie's mom made gumbo."

"For breakfast?"

"Bitch it's fucking 11."

I look at the clock. "I thought you were leaving."

"We all leaving tomorrow. You got the place till tomorrow. Plus Cammie's stepfather is here and Cammie acting like a human. I mean... me and Caden just woke up but anyway. She doing better."

"I thought it was you that needed fixing."

He shrugs. "My shit good."

"Where my baby?" I say looking around.

"Probably eating." Trey shrugs.

I sit up. "Is it wrong for wanting Amber pregnant and giving her a hard time about not wanting it?"

"What woman you know happy to be pregnant once she pregnant? You see Leah. You knew Cammie and MiMi. She pregnant. You take the happy days and you fucking go with it any other day."

"She not that far along."

"She pregnant. Who cares? They feel that shit."

I start to get out of bed then grab my balls when I feel a shit load of air. I chuckle at the face Trey makes. Before he could say anything Lane runs into the room.

"Chris you butt out!" Lane yells.

"Lane?" Cammie snaps.

Lane grabs Trey's legs. "Daddy, get me. Daddy?"

Trey picks him up as he scrambles from what might have been Cammie coming. Trey turns around walking out. I get up and walk to the bathroom. I'm not fucking getting rid of my baby. Amber can shut the fuck up and deal with life. She knew we were once trying. Nobody has been doing shit not to get pregnant.

"Mama Cammie can cook her ass off. Taste this."

"No." I snap.

She makes a lot of noise. I look behind me at her.

"Why are you being mean?"

"I feel like you putting all this stress on me about this baby when you and I both know you keeping it. Why argue?"

"Are you high? What are you talking about?" She snaps walking out. "What's happening? Chris acting mean to me because I'm not trying to kiss his ass today. Chris! You have a plane in the morning! I told him."

I'm fucking pissed off at the way she is acting right now. Like who the fuck is this when you been acting so shitty yesterday? I feel like she is acting fake as shit. But I don't know which Amber is fake. Is it this nice as person that seems to be okay with being pregnant or is that hateful bitch from last night fake? I walk into Cammie and Trey's room. Nobody was in there. I sigh.

"Nooo." Lane cries.

"Yo, what are you doing?" Trey asks walking past me into the room.

I realize that I was just standing there. "Ain't no way they can flip like that."

"Man, you don't know shit about little people then. But we woke up like this."

"Huh?" I retort. "Pregnant women."

He laughs. "Oh, yeah. I told you."

"I need to work on my attitude." I shake my head.

"Go talk to Rollie. I'm still working on my fucking attitude." He snatches Lane up from the bed. Lane starts crying. "Boy, what are you doing? Let's take a nap. Wait til your mama gets back."

Lane cries. "No tell Mommy."

Trey lies down on the bed with Lane. "Now is a good time to talk Chris. Go."

"Huh?"

"Talk to Amber while she feeling good, nigga. Do everything while she feeling good."

"Oh." I say turning to walk out. "You seen my daughter?"

"Getting spoiled by Cammie's mom. Cammie's nice twin."

Amber wasn't anywhere in the kitchen or front part of the house. I won't hunt her down to disturb her from her bouncy attitude. I'll wait til after I eat. I sit down at the table with Marco. He looks at me.

"Chris Brown right?"

"Nigga." I snap.

He chuckles then shows me his phone. There's a half naked woman on Facetime. I lean forward looking at the screen. I guess the nigga was showing me to someone not showing me his phone. She smiles faintly. I narrow my eyes at Marco. I guess all men are fucking dogs.

"You bold." I say looking down at my phone.

"She ain't shit to me." Macro's ass says out loud. Damn.

The girl says nothing. What the fuck? I didn’t think that was Marco. I just saw him as. Well shit. The motherfucker is never around. His baby mama is never with him or his kid. Hell they been together for a long as time and not married. It all makes sense. He hangs up the phone randomly. Like he had said bye.

"Marco you work?"

"Military."

"Who was that?" I nod towards the phone.

He kinda shakes his head. "I used to be in the military. I work at a gun manufactory company, which I got through my military clearance."

Hilda walks into the dining room. Oh shit. "Why you never do what I tell you?"

"What didn't I do?"

"Where is your son?"

Marco picks his phone up then puts it in his pocket. This man is clearly not paying attention to shit Hilda is saying. She slaps his dreads then she sucks her teeth walking out of the room. What kinda relationship is this? Marco chuckles to himself then he stands up.

"Thought you were different." I say to him.

"From who?" He shrugs.

I shrug back. "Don't know any faithful people nigga."

"I'm faithful." He nods. "Devin faithful."

"Devin not."

Marco makes a face. "This last time they been together. That’s been like 3 years. He a pretty good motherfucker."

"How you fucking faithful my nigga? I saw that fucking girl. I know you fucking loud ass girl. She ain't gonna go for you talking to some bitch on the phone."

"You right." Marco nods. "Aye, Baby!"

The sliding door opens. "Marco, go get your fucking son. Why are you calling me?"

"Tasha calling me again. I answered."

"I can't stand your childish ass shit." She says closing the door.

Marco laughs and walks out the door. "I tried."

"I thought I was fucked up." I say to myself.

I could hear him laughing still. I got a feeling he didn't say shit about that girl on his phone. I don't think I'm close enough to Hilda to start some shit about a girl on her man's phone. Let me mind my business. Weird ass guy.

Rollie

"Daddy, I... Daddy, you listening?" Jordan asks.

"Yes, Baby." I reply.

She hugs my neck. "I love you."

"I love you too." I say eating my food.

"Grandpa?" Jordan says funny. "Daddy, me and Grandpa going to look for seashells down by the big rocks. Oh Daddy, I have to tell you about my new grades. 3 A's and a B cause I didn't know we had a test and I missed school. I mean I didn't do the make up work. That's why. Is the B okay?"

I kiss her arm thats around my neck. "It's not okay that you didn't turn in work. So you didn't do everything you could but I like B's. I think you can try harder next time."

"Yes, sir, I can. Cause Mommy say I can't miss school if I can't make up my work. I want to go to California with you whenever I can. Or wherever you go."

"Can I eat?"

She let's go of my neck. "I'm going to ask Lexi if I can braid her hair like mine."

"Okay." I say relieved.

"God always has a way." Lonnie says.

I look at him. "What you talking bout, Preacher?"

He smiles at me then eats his food. After a few seconds he nods. "I think we can be friends on different terms now. You see how you can love a child that isn't yours. God teaches lessons all the time."

"Yeah."

"You still pray?"

I stare at him for a minute. He just casually talking and eating. Not caring if he talking to himself. Aight Lonnie. I do see how you can love a child that isn't yours. I don't need him and I never needed him to become the man I am today. But it was never any disrespect between us. I just simply needed him to know I didn't need a daddy. I guess we agree.

"Maybe not enough." I nod.

"Trey?" Lonnie says standing up. "Won't you have a sit? Talk a bit."

I glance at Trey. He looks at me then he walks into the room. "Sure."

"I like to be blunt." Lonnie says sitting and continuing to enjoy his meal.

"Good." Trey says.

Lane comes in the room whining. He wedges himself in between Trey's legs and watches me. What little boy? You got your daddy. Why you staring at me?

"I try to mind my business. That's not always best. Jayla needs a better man. More specifically a better husband then you. One who is complete."

I chuckle then look at Trey. Of course he had his face balled up mad. But Lonnie kept eating his food. I chuckle at that as the awkward pause feels the room. What are you going to say next Lonnie? You come here thinking you the fix to everyone's problem. What's going to fix this nigga?

"You aren't complete without God."

"Oh." I whisper. "Deep."

Lonnie looks at me. "Living in sin is equally as wrong as murder, in this case, suicide. You did good by getting married. God isn't going to punish you for doing right. He won't punish you for being rich either. But you have to acknowledge him and include him in your marriage. Complete yourself with God and you will be a better man."

"God?" Trey says like he never heard of God.

"Do you think your wife wanted to get married because of her family or because of her relationship with God."

Trey frowns. "Because of her reputation."

"Her reputation?" Lonnie frowns. "Well back home she is the sweet God fearing daughter of Gwendolyn. You know the good one. The one that's always in church. Until things happened at school 6 years ago. If I would have known then maybe she wouldn't have her sweet kids by you. So I won't go back in time. Because God makes no mistake when it comes to the lives that he puts on this Earth. Those boys were meant to be your boys. You were meant to be her husband."

"Yeah." Trey says.

Lonnie stands up from the table. "Would you like to pray with me later? Maybe I can give you some personal advise."

"That's cool." Trey says low.

"Good. Lane?" Lonnie says nodding then he chuckles.

Lane climbs into Trey's lap. "Daddy?"

"Okay, fine, Lane." Lonnie says walking out. "We will continue our game."

"I don't get why you and Cammie hate them so much. They don't seem all bad." Trey frowns.

I shrug. "Cause you older, wiser. Would you have honestly listened to that bull... BS as a teenager? A teenager that recently lost their parent? No. That's your answer. I answered for you."

"Maybe I do need to focus my marriage around God."

"Should have been done that." I say standing up and slapping Lane lightly.

Lane just hugs Trey. "Leave me alone."

I chuckle. "What is this man problem?"

"I don't know." Trey says hugging Lane back. "You okay Lane?"

"I okay." Lane says hugging Trey still. "Uncle Rollie hitting me."

Trey smiles at me. "Rollie don't hit him. He doesn't want to play right now."

I smile. "Sorry."

Bad ass gonna look at me to see my reaction. I leave out of the dining room going into the kitchen. Lonnie was sitting with April talking to her. Of course about God. He can't help take the church everywhere with him. But hell if it help Cammie and Trey then he needs to bring the whole church in this bitch. They need God.

"Rollie." Leah says walking into the kitchen. She touches my arm. "I don't know."

"Okay."

She grabs a bowl. "Did she make some that's not spicy for the kids?"

"My mama doesn't make hers spicy. She also makes the rice on the side." I say taking her bowl. "I'll do it for you."

"Oh..." Leah says frowning at me. "Thanks."

I nod my head at her. She hugs herself just staring at me. "Oh, did Jordan tell you about her grades? She wanted to be the one that told you. She was proud of her grades because she said you would be happy. Like I'm not happy when she makes good grades."

"Cause you fake." I say kissing at her.

"I tell that girl all the time how proud I am of her. She just really soaking this Daddy business up. Don't break my baby's heart."

I hand her the bowl. "I would never. Yours maybe."

She doesn't take it. Instead she eats some out of it cautiously. I look down her shirt as she leans forward. Her titties done grown like she already has milk in them. She snatches the bowl from me then turns my head towards the fridge. I look at my mother. She smiles slightly.

"Didn't hear me, TumTum?" She chuckles. "Did you like the gumbo?"

"Yeah, it was good." I nod.

She nods back. "April said I should have made my curry chicken. I didn't want to make anything too spicy. Plus gumbo can feed a lot. Maybe I'll cook her some another time."

"You should have made a cake."

"You want me to?" She nods. "I can get the stuff for it."

I shake my head. "Don't do anything special for me."

"Gwen, Lane is acting like he doesn't know me."

"I told you not to play that game with him. He doesn't stop his little games. Such a trickster like his mother was."

Lonnie chuckles to himself not saying anything. He rubs her arm then walks away. I leave out of the kitchen. I feel a lot differently towards Lonnie and my mother than I did years ago. I stop in front of Cammie and Trey's room.

"Lane!"

"No!"

I step inside. Cammie wasn't in the room. It was just Trey laying there with Lane on his chest. He was whispering something to Lane. Cammie comes out of the bathroom carrying a medicine bottle. She hands something to Lane. This girl gave him a damn pacifier. He puts it in his mouth then he takes it out looking at it.

"You giving him a pacifier?" I ask.

"He wanted to take his medicine like Caden. His ass wasted it all over the floor." Cammie snaps.

Lane a fucking spoiled ass little boy. I swear.

"That ain't gonna be my child. Imma show you how to raise a man."

"Bitch." Trey says then looks at Lane. Lane stares at him sucking on the pacifier. "You can't even stand to hear someone else child cry. It's a boy?"

"I'm saying it is." I shrug. "She doesn't want to know. She doesn't believe that we should know before the baby is born."

Trey narrows his eyes. "You have a girl it's over."

"You know it's different having Lonnie and GeeGee around as adults. Seems like shit changed. But ain't shit change but me." I say.

"Yeah."

Lane screams. Trey hands the pacifier to Cammie. "Stop."

"That mine!"

"Stop boy." Trey says sternly. Lane just lies there quiet. "Cammie talked with her mother about everything that happened in college. Peacefully. It's a lot of shit we got to get through as a family."

I chuckle. He being fucking modest. Bitch ass really saying he fucking told me so. Fucking prat. Throwing it in my face how he made that happen like he said he was. Then again the nigga didn't say that so I can't fucking say any of that shit. I nod my head at him. He smirks. See this bitch. Lane moves on his chest then gets off the bed screaming. He walks into the bathroom crying.

"Lane?" Cammie says. He just screams. "Okay, okay. You have to talk. I don't know what you want me to do. Tell me."

"I want Daddy."

Trey chuckles. "I'm so ready to be right. Again."

"Bitch." I say walking out.

[bangtan-sonyeonddaeng]

Yoongi Scenario| He confesses to you when you’re both drunk because he thinks you won’t remember

Can I come over tonight?

You check your phone when you hear your notification go off and see a text from Yoongi. 

Of course! I am always free to hang with you :) 

Thanks. Mind if I bring some drinks over? The stress has been getting to me again and I just want to relax and chill with you.

Sounds good. You want me to cook or order food for us?

Ah, I don’t want to make you work on your day off, just order something I don't care what.

Okay, see you soon Yoongi <3

See ya!

You sigh and set your phone down, glancing at the time. You have a few more hours before Yoongi would be here so you decide to get ready. You jump in the shower, singing along happily to your favorite songs. You put on your favorite outfit, wanting to look nice for him. Yes, you were that cliche human falling in love with their best friend, but being to afraid to confess. You never will either. You believe deep in your heart that he deserves someone better, someone more beautiful than you. So you had resigned yourself to a life of hopelessly pining after your best friend. You had just finished up getting ready and making yourself look presentable when you heard a knock on your door, he was much earlier than you were expecting. You opened the door and felt the wind get knocked out of you at the sight of him. He looked ridiculously handsome as usual. Like a prince straight out of a Disney film. 

“Hey y/n. I know I’m early but I decided to pick up some food on the way over here I hope you didn’t order anything yet?”

“Nope! I was just about to though you have perfect timing.” You step aside and usher him inside the house.

As the night drags on you feel yourself getting more tipsy. Everything he says is funny to you, and you’re giggling uncontrollably and becoming much more touchy. You can’t help but notice every time you do Yoongi seems to inch that much closer to you. You tell yourself the alcohol is just making your brain fuzzy and you are imagining things. Why would he want to get close to you in that way? Yoongi’s face is flushed and you can tell he is starting to feel the effects of the alcohol as well. He’s beginning to slur his words and when he is talking to you his face is inches away from yours. 

“You’re so pretty you know that?” You playfully smack his arm.

“Shush Yoongi.”

“What? It’s true!” You chug the rest of your bottle of soju before laying down on the couch and groaning.

“Ugh, everything is spinning.” 

“You’re not quitting on me now, get up y/n.” Suddenly you are being tugged off the couch and into Yoongi’s arms. He turns on your bluetooth speaker and puts on some music before he grabs your arms and swings them back and forth forcing you to dance. You eventually give in and dance along with him, loving the fact that you both can just let go around one another and have fun regardless of how silly you look. “I’m way too drunk right now okay we need to take a break.” You walk over to your bed and flop down onto it. The bed dips down as Yoongi settles in next to you, laying on his side and curling into a little ball and facing you.

“Do you think you’ll remember today?”

“Mmm, probably not. I haven’t drank that much in a while.” 

“Can I tell you something then?”

“Sure. You can tell me anything Yoongi.” 

“I like you, like a lot. Okay more than like, more like, love I guess?”

“If I had a dollar for every time you said like in that last sentence.” He huffs in frustration and pouts at you. 

“I’m serious y/n.”

“Yeah you mean like, as a friend you love me? I love you too.”

“No y/n you idiot as in I want to date you kind of love.” 

“Funny joke Yoongi. Alright you had your fun now let me get some sleep please. The longer I keep my eyes open the more nauseous I’m getting.” He doesn’t move away, in fact he moves closer, nuzzling his face into your neck. 

“Why do you think I am lying?”

“Because you’re you and I’m me?”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“You really going to make me say it?” He moves away and looks at you with his eyebrows furrowed, clearly confused. “You have the perfect body type. You’re skin is like porcelain and you’re so handsome and sexy and everything that I am not. I’m not the standard of beauty. There, happy? Now please let me sleep or I will roll you onto the floor.” He can hear by your voice that you are getting upset, so he rolls over so he is laying on top of you now, looking at you with an intense expression on his face.

“Yoongi get off what are you doing?” He cups your face in his hands. 

“You listen to me y/n y/l/n and you listen good, okay? You are perfect. You are so fucking beautiful. I should be the one worried that I am not good enough for you. I don’t care if you don’t fit into the mold of what society deems conventionally beautiful because you’re everything in my eyes. Shit, am I making sense I feel like I am rambling?” You giggle at his flustered expression.

“Do you really mean that?”

“Every single word. I would love to be able to call myself yours.” You smile at him and place a kiss to his forehead. Yoongi nuzzles into your neck and before you know it he’s fallen asleep. 

“We’ll see how you feel in the morning.” With his calming breaths tickling your neck you fall asleep rather quickly. When you wake up in the morning your head is throbbing. The familiar weight that had been laying on you earlier is now gone, but there is a glass of water and Tylenol next to the bed. You take it, feeling grateful that Yoongi took the time to take care of you. You are about to lay down and go back to sleep when the bedroom door swings open and he is walking in with a tray of breakfast for you. He smiles at you and sets it down next to you on the bed.

“Morning, angel.” You blush at the petname.

“Morning. You made me breakfast?”

“I figured you’d need something in your belly this morning after how much we drank yesterday.” Suddenly everything comes back to you. You remember everything about the conversation you had but are uncertain if Yoongi remembers anything. You eat your breakfast, sighing happily at the thoughtful gesture. When you finish eating Yoongi looks like he wants to ask you something but is too shy too. He keeps opening his mouth like he is ready to say something but quickly shuts it. You decided to encourage him a little bit. 

“Do you have something you need to tell me?”

“Well, just to ask you really. I guess.. um.. Gosh this is going to be awkward if you answer is no. Do you remember what I told you yesterday?” If the blush that has now formed on your cheeks is any indication then Yoongi should already know the answer.

“Uh, yeah I remember it. I remember everything. But did you mean it? Or were you just saying it because you were drunk..”

“I meant every word. I just hope you feel the same way.”

“I do. I love you too Yoongi.” He flashes you his gummy smile before he sits down next to you on the bed. He reaches over and grabs your hand, placing kisses to the back of it.

“So does this mean I’m yours?” You nod your head kiss his forehead lightly.

“And I’m yours. My heart was always going be yours, Yoongi.”

[hot-wiings]

Tip Jar

[Edited: 12-24-19]

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears. I'll give it to someone special. Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears. I'll give it to someone special.

December, 25th, 2019.

You smiled as you sat in the little cozy cafe where you were supposed to meet your boyfriend, Katsuki Bakugo.

You looked up from your spot to see one of your beat friends, Hitoshi Shinsou. He picked up your mug to take it back for another refill. He worked part-time at the cafe, sometimes he would give you free pastries.

"Looks like little BakuHoe is late."

You scowl at Hitoshi to which he scowls back at you. This was your third refill since you came in, Bakugo was in fact late. Hitoshi was never very supportive of your relationship. He felt you could do better than Katsuki, and that Katsuki could treat you better. He took every opportunity he had to put Katsuki down.

"Leave him alone Hitoshi. He makes me happy, shouldn't that be enough?"

Hitoshi's face softens as he sits down next to you. He grabs your hands from across the table.

"I want you to be happy, I just don't trust Katsuki... You're important to me, okay?"

The door dings signifying someone just walked in. Hitoshi pushes his hands away and glares at Katsuki as he walks past him and towards the kitchen to refill your mug.

"Hey."

"Hey, you're late but since it's Christmas it's okay. I know you had your reasons, besides refills are free."

"We should talk."

You blushed as thought about why he would wanna talk. Yesterday you spent the night together. Your first intimate night together. You woke up and he was gone, but you figured he had things to do, it is Christmas after all. Christmas is the busiest day of the year.  

"Okay, we probably should."

"I wanna break up."

"What? Why would you..."

"We're graduating next spring. I have to think about my career, I can't be serious and move up the ranks with you distracting me. We're adults now and you're holding me back."

You ball your hands up into fists to stop them from shaking.

"I'm just a distraction that holds you back? Did last night mean anything to you? Anything at all?"

Katsuki hesitates before answering you. The hesitation gave you hope for a good answer only for your hopes to be shot down.

"Last night was a mistake. We never should have gotten intimate. We're still in fucking high school."

"You wanna break up because we're adults, but it was a mistake because we're still kids? You're contradicting yourself. God Katsuki, you're not making any sense."

The tears stream down your face as Katsuki walks away. Away from you and away from your relationship. You grab his wrist stopping him before he does.

"Just tell me how to fix this Katsuki. Whatever I did... I'll fix it. I'll change it. I love you."

Katsuki bites his lip as you walk closer to him. Your hands begin to fiddle with his scarf. When you're stressed or upset you liked to fix things. You wished you didn't.

As you fixed his scarf you noticed his skin was discolored. You move the scarf away to see a hickey. You were fairly certain you hadn't given him any hickies last night.

"This why you were late isn't it?"

"Fuck, [Y/N]..."

"Last night wasn't a mistake... It was just a mistake to do it with me. I'm the mistake."

Tears fell down harder. You wiped your nose and eyes dry with the back of your hand. It didn't help as they were just replaced by more years.

"[Y/N], you weren't the fucking mistake."

You kept taking steps away from him as he walked closer to you. Why was he doing this? He cheated and broke up with you, he can't comfort you. He can't be there for you. He's not yours, he's hers.

Hitoshi steps in and pushes Katsuki away from you.

"Don't you think you've done enough. Leave before I call the cops. You're no longer welcomed in this cafe."

Katsuki leaves the cafe but not before he looks back at you. With regret in his eyes, he watches as Hitoshi comforts you while you cry. You gave him your heart, but he broke it. He broke the best Christmas gift that he ever received.

Once bitten and twice shy. I keep my distance. But you still catch my eye. Tell me, baby. Do you recognize me? Well, it's been a year. It doesn't surprise me. (Merry Christmas!) I wrapped it up and sent it. With a note saying, "I love you," I meant it. Now, I know what a fool I've been. But if you kissed me now. I know you'd fool me again.

December, 25th, 2020.

You pulled your bag close to you as you opened the door to the Aizawa household. You close the door shut quickly to escape the brisk cold and turn to your Uncle Shouta Aizawa.

"Merry Christmas, Shouta."

"Merry Christmas to my favorite niece."

"I'm your only niece Shouta."

Your uncle takes your bags from you to take them to your bedroom. You lived with your uncle before you graduated from UA. After you graduated you moved out of the city with your best friend Hitoshi to get a jump start on your career.

"Hitoshi is coming for the holidays too, right?"

"Hitoshi got slightly delayed at the office but he's still coming. He hasn't shut up about how much he missed his mentor. I swear, it's like he's dating you instead of me– Shit."

"You're dating him now?"

Shouta sets your bags down on your bed and crosses his arms in a fatherly way. Shouta did raise you, it made sense for him to get protective.

"Whoops. Hitoshi and I were gonna tell you together, but yeah, we're dating now. Is that okay with you?"

"I suppose he is a lot better than some of your other exes... But I'm not letting you share a room now."

You roll your eyes at your uncle's behavior. You knew inside he was actually very happy about you and Hitoshi. Shouta loved Hitoshi like a son.

"You know me and Hitoshi live together, you helped us move into our apartment. If we wanted to have sex we would have already."

"Okay, but you know the walls are thin. If I hear so much as a thump, I'm running in."

"Okay, we'll be sure to wait until you're asleep."

Shouta smiled knowing you were just teasing him. You knew better than to have sex under his roof. He would kill Hitoshi, apprentice or not. Shouta's smile dropped into a thin line.

"I didn't tell you over the phone because I knew you wouldn't come... I invited some of my old students from your class over for Christmas dinner."

You scowl at the ground. He invited your ex-boyfriend, Katsuki Bakugo. It was exactly one year ago that you gave him your heart. One year since you gave him your innocent, and purity. One year since he shattered you.

You hear his rough voice ring through the house. It felt like forever since you heard his voice.

"Oi! The fucking door was unlocked, I brought wine!"

You exit your room to face your ex, Katsuki bakugo, destroyer of love, hope, and dreams. Maybe you were being dramatic, but he did cheat. That was the sad reality. He cheated, he was the bad guy and you were allowed to hold a grudge.

"Hey, Bakugo."

"[Y/N]..."

Shouta left the room leaving you alone with Bakugo. The jerk really left you alone with the guy who cheated on you. Why would he invite him in the first place? So much for being a father figure.

"I didn't know you'd be here."

"Me either. I mean, I should've fucking knew. You are related to Shouta. I guess a year will make you forget."

"Yeah."

You both look at the ground to avoid making eye contact with each other. You never wanted to see him again, yet here he was. On the other hand, Katsuki did not forget your relations with Shouta at all. He was hoping he'd get to see you again. Truthfully he really missed you.

Katsuki walked closer to you and tucked a piece of hair behind your ear. He brought your face up to meet his eyes by cupping your cheeks.

"I really missed you [Y/N]... I really fucking regret last Christmas."

The closeness and the history between you both made you yearn for his touch. You hated yourself for it, he hurt you, you shouldn't be letting him cup your cheeks.

You have a boyfriend. You have a boyfriend who loves you. He adores you, he supports you, he is loyal to you. You weren't dumb. If you gave into Katsuki you would ruin what you had with Hitoshi only for Katsuki to hurt you again.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

"Katsuki... I have a boyfriend."

You pulled yourself away from Katsuki just as another one of your old classmates walks in the house. You saw the familiar black-orange eyes and pink skin of a former friend come towards you with a smile on their face.  

Mina Ashido, your former friend slips her hand into one of Katsuki Bakugo's. It seems you were not the only one with a boyfriend.

"[Y/N], it's been too long!"

"Being ranked as one of the top ten heroes makes you busy."

"Right, you're the 9th hero."

"9th, and ranking up."

You give Mina the fakest smile as you eye her and Katsuki's hands. He really missed you for sure. As they say, once a cheater always a cheater.

Hitoshi walks in the house, his purple hair messed up from the wind with small specks of snow falling around him.

"Sorry I'm late, I had to turn in some paperwork."

Hitoshi walks over to you and kisses your temple. He wraps his arms around your waist and holds you as he takes in who you're talking too.

Hitoshi smiled as he saw Mina holding Katsuki's hand. Unlike you, he was warned by Shouta on the phone that Katsuki would be here.

He wasn't threatened by Katsuki, but he was worried about you. You and Katsuki had a bad history. One where Katsuki hurt you. It was easy for feelings to resurface. Hitoshi was worried feelings of hurt would resurface.

"Mina, Katsuki, you remember Hitoshi. He's my boyfriend now."

Katsuki would be lying if he said he wasn't inferior to Hitoshi. Katsuki wanted you back, but Hitoshi had you. If he was going to compete with Hitoshi it would be hard. How was he going to compete with the top tenth hero when he was the top twelfth?

"I heard rumors that Ms. 9th hero and Mr. 10th hero were dating, but you know how liable rumors are. I myself, and Katsuki are going on a little over a year."

A year? That meant Mina was the girl he cheated on you with. Confirmation straight from the horse's mouth.

He said he missed you yet he was still with the girl he cheated on you with. He didn't deserve to be by your side. He didn't deserve you hearing him out. He was trying to do the unimaginable, but he couldn't.

"A whole year? Wow. I and Hitoshi have only been together for a few months but he's the best boyfriend I could ask for. He's the most loyal guy you'll ever meet."

Loyalty, a word that apparently got left out of Katsuki Bakugo's dictionary.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears I'll give it to someone special. A crowded room, friends with tired eyes. I'm hiding from you, and your soul of ice. My god, I thought you were someone to rely on Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on. A face on a lover with a fire in his heart. A man undercover but you tore me apart.

December, 25th, 2021.

You smiled as you walked hand and hand with Hitoshi up to your uncle's house. The ring on your hand glinted in the sun reminding you how precious and pretty it was.

"Let's tell him together this time."

"I swear last time it was an accident, but this time my lips are sealed."

Like the gentleman he is, Hitoshi opened the door for you. He even took your hat and hung it up on a peg with your coat.

"You're here!"

Your second uncle, Shouta's husband found you once you entered the house. You loved Hizashi like a father. He helped Shouta raise you and boy did he rip Shouta a new one for inviting Katsuki to Christmas last year.

Hizashi's eyes widen and he gasps as he sees your hand. The engagement ring was huge and shiny, of course, he couldn't have missed it. You slipped the ring off of your finger and put it in your pocket.

"IS THAT A WEDD–"

"Hizashi, be quiet! We haven't told Shouta yet."

Over the past year, you began to love Hitoshi. He would never hurt you. In fact, you don't think he even had a malicious bone in his body. Obviously, when he got on his knee to pop the question you said yes.

"You should tell him soon before the guests arrive."

"Guests?"

"Shouta invited Bakugo and some other old students again."

You bit your lip as you thought about him. The thought of Bakugo being there again was distasteful, but oddly you didn't feel as hateful as you did last year.

You didn't feel as hurt as you did, maybe your recent engagement to Hitoshi had to do with that. You were happy and in love. You wanted to get married to Hitoshi, you wanted to have kids and a family with him. Your relationship with Katsuki felt like a thing of the past now.

Shouta walks into the room to see you three talking. He smiles and goes to give you and Hitoshi a hug. Hitoshi might be your boyfriend, but he was Shouta's beloved apprentice too.

"My favorite niece is here."

"Well Uncle, I might be your only niece... But you're about to gain a nephew."

"No– He didn't."

"He did!"

Shouta rolls his sleeves up and turns to glare at your fiance.

"You knocked my fucking niece up!"

"What? No! God, I married an idiot. He proposed to her!"

"Oh. In that case, congratulations are needed. Where's the ring? When's the wedding going to be?"

You slip your ring back on and show it to Shouta with a beaming smile on your face.

"We want to have a spring wedding. We want Eri to be a flower girl, and Hizashi will DJ. Oh! And of course, you're going to walk me down the aisle."

"You're getting married?"

You turned to see Katsuki Bakugo in the doorway. Maybe if you hadn't been so happy and lovesick you would have noticed the anguish and hurt displayed upon his face.

"Hitoshi proposed! The weddings in march, you're invited. I was actually hoping your parents could help design my dress. Oh God, just look at the ring."

Katsuki planned to get you back this Christmas. He broke up with Mina, he hasn't been with another woman since. He was doing it right. But he was too late, you were truly Hitoshi's now.

What else was there to do? Crash the wedding? Cause you more anguish? No, Katsuki couldn't do that.

"That's a big fucking rock. Sadly I can't stay, Mina and I are heading to my parent's house this year. Last-minute fucking decision, but I figured I'd drop off some wine considering I already said I'd come here."

What a lie. Katsuki wasn't even seeing Mina anymore. Katsuki left the house to return to his lonely apartment and spend Christmas alone feeling conflicted.

You were happy, how could he ruin that for you? He couldn't just confess he still loved you, not after he shattered your heart. Not now that you're moving on. It wasn't fair that he had bad timing.

He needed to let go of your shared past and let you move on with your future.

Now, I've found a real love you'll never fool me again. Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears I'll give it to someone special. A face on a lover with a fire in his heart. A man undercover but you tore him apart. Maybe next year I'll give it to someone. I'll give it to someone special.

December, 25th, 2022.

You moaned as you laid back on Shouta's couch. Your feet were propped up on your husband, Hitoshi Shinsou's lap as he massaged them.

You were currently approaching the fifth month of your pregnancy. You were starting a family with Hitoshi. Some part of you was worried about how you'd manage being a pro hero and a mother but Hitoshi was going to be there every step of the way.

"God, you're so good at this."

"I know. That's how we got here in the first place."

Katsuki Bakigo sat down on the couch across from you. Lately, he'd been working with the hero agency you and Hitoshi work for. Although you were put on leave for your pregnancy, Katsuki had been spending time with Hitoshi for work purposes.

Sometimes Katsuki would stay at your house for dinner, you could say he and Hitoshi might even be friends. You were at a place where you were happy with Katsuki. You no longer felt pain from him, but rather focused on the love you had for Hitoshi.

"Hitoshi, when is dinner gonna be done. I'm really hungry."

"You're always hungry."

Before you knew it the tears started to roll down. You knew he wasn't saying to be mean, but these pregnancy mood swings were making you so emotional all the time.

"You're mean!"

"Hey, hey, hey, Don't cry I was just joking– Look I'll go to the kitchen and check on dinner, I'll even snag you a roll."

"Okay, I'm sorry for being a pain in the ass."

You wipe your tears away with the back of your hand while Hitoshi hands you a tissue. It seemed you were always crying lately.

"It's okay, you're just going through mood swings, it's normal. Just wait til' [Y/N] Jr. comes out, our bundle of joy will be worth it."

"With how much I've been sleeping and how grumpy I've been its definitely a Hitoshi Jr."

Hitoshi leaves the room to sneak you a roll or some type of other food from the kitchen to soothe your hunger.

"So you're going on five months?"

"Yeah, month five has turned me into a pain in Hitoshi's ass. I'm sore, I'm whiny, I'm angry, and always fucking hungry. I can't do basic things like getting dressed."

"How's Hitoshi been treating you, he seems tired whenever he comes into work."

"Hitoshi has been great. I have been pissing him off with late-night cravings for spaghetti sandwiches, but he gets up without complaint. Truthfully, we both can't wait to be parents."

Your hands fly to your stomach as you grunt from pain in your stomach. You swore this baby was going to kill you. Katsuki rushes over to you in a panic to help you.

"What's wrong? Are you in fucking labor?!"

"No, it's too early. He's just kicking. Here, feel."

You guide Katsuki's hand to your baby bump so he could feel. He smiles as he feels the baby kick. Once upon a time, he would have liked for that baby to be his. He still would have liked for that but he knew you were no longer his.

"So you happy then? With Hitoshi, and the baby?"

"He makes me really happy. He randomly surprises me with flowers, and he cooks for me. Nothing in our relationship is one-sided. He's perfect."

You miss the sadness in katsuki's eyes as he speaks to you.

"Then I'm really fucking happy for you."

He really was, he just wished he was the one you were happy with.

"Hitoshi and I were actually wondering if you would be the godfather?"

"You want me to be the godfather?"

Hitoshi comes back in the room. He gives you a stolen bread roll from the kitchen and he kisses the top of your head.

"Well, Shouta was the first contender but he's getting too old, so we went with the next best thing."

"I'll do it. I'll be your fucking godfather."

If he couldn't be the man that protected and provided for you then he damn well would be the man that could protect and provide for your child should anything happen to you.

"I'll be the best fucking godfather ever."

[szopenhauer]

When was the last time you cried and what was the reason?: family issues

Do you believe in ghosts?: maybe

If you could live on the moon, would you?: almost all of it belongs to Tom Cruise so no 

What is your favorite time in history to learn about?: I just like many interesting history facts in general

When is the last time you felt discriminated against because of your gender?: not sure which situation was last

What race are you?: caucasian, white, european, polish, slavic

What is your favorite sex position?: I’m not into sex tbh Have you ever lost your SO to another person?: yup

Have you ever had a thing for a friend’s parent?: no

Have you ever believed in Santa Clause? from what I remember

Have you ever thought you were getting a surprise party, but you really weren’t? nah and I don’t like surprises so I’m glad I never really had a party like this

Have you ever forgotten someone’s birthday? I suck with dates

Has a friend looked bad in a profile picture and you didn’t tell her? it was my opinion but if they liked their pic then it’s their problem

Does it take forever for your internet to load websites? sometimes

Have you ever pretended to listen to someone but you really weren’t? yeah :x

Are you a bad driver, or do you know someone that is? I know some that are bad yet say they’re oh so awesome at it ugh!

Have you seen the animated movies Tarzan? sure

Have you actually called 911 for an actual emergency? If so, what was the emergency? not me but my parents

Do you sleep in the living room a lot? I never do

Did you enjoy watching The Flintstone’s growing up? yep

Do you wish you were born in a different year? kinda wish I was born after war and die before 2020 or even live in another time period 

What do you buy more: Movies or candy? neither

Did you used to eat chapstick when you were younger? ewww, noooo, not even toothpaste

What made you pick up the last book you started reading? I was watching a movie and heard that book has a different ending so I had to see for myself Have you received any bad or troubling news lately? shitload When was the last time you were relieved about something? I wish I was... What about your life concerns you the most? my health related issues mostly but also money and fam, love life, religion etc. Is there a common thing most people seem to do without trouble, but it scares you (talking on the phone, driving, interviews, etc)? When was the last time you had to do one of these kinds of things? there are, recently

Describe a time when you were there for a friend? were there in person? When was the last time you went somewhere for the first time? days or weeks ago What is a situation that makes you feel especially confident? umm... Hypothetically and generally speaking, how would you go about breaking up with someone? Is there anything you would make sure to say, or perhaps not say? depends Would you say you’re easy or difficult to offend? I guess I’m easily offended Is there a belief you have that most others around you don’t have? Do you share this belief with others, or do you tend to keep it to yourself?  sure, might talk about it if asked and in the mood  If you’ve moved out from home, what was the scariest thing about it? What was/is your favorite thing about it? I didn’t move out yet but there are dark scenarios I imagine that could happen and they concern me What are your thoughts on “forgiving” murderers or rapists? Do you think it’s even possible to forgive these people? I wouldn’t forgive a rapist but particular murders can be justified If you could learn about anything without the stress of grades or cost, what kind of classes would you take? who cares about grades and cost when you have no possibility/talent/ability anyway?... Last item of clothing you purchased - do you wear it often? didn’t wear it yet Has anything made you feel nostalgic lately? lots What was the last chore you completed? I just helped mom around kitchen and bathroom - przynieś/podaj itp.

Which of the Seven Deadly Sins do you commit the most? sloth?

Has anyone ever told you that you’re incapable of whispering? nope, my mom is incapable, she whispers louder than when she’s normally talking to someone

Who was the best kisser you’ve ever dated? I’ve only kissed one person in my entire life

When was the last time you watched a YouTube video? yesterday

this one

and I plan on doing smth similar

Do you personally think Wikipedia is a reliable source? one of the most reliable sources that are available for free

When you were a child, did you ever want to become a wizard/witch? meh

Do you want to repaint your walls? I prefer to move out 

Would you rather have hardwood floors or carpet? hardwood

Who would you say is the most selfish person you know? majority of society

Have you ever made out in a movie theater before? waste of the movie

How old were you when you got to go on your first date? dunno what I can count as one

Would you call your parents over-protective or under-protective? weirdly protective

Did your parents ever let you play in the pits of those multicolored balls? never had a chance to

Has anyone ever called you a good kisser before? I had my moment

Have any of your siblings ever had a crush on your significant other? she’s into men so...

Do you know someone who cares about themselves more than their child? it seems that most of parents act this way

What’s your favorite hairstyle you’ve had so far? hmm...

How many dogs do you have, if any at all? 1

Do you think biting is weird or sexy? biting hard is very dangerous and I’m not into being bitten but I might/can bite a little

Would you rather be called hot or beautiful? neither but I'll “believe” slightly more in being beautiful than hot I think

Have you ever had a pet turtle before? yep

Do you still sleep with your parents when you’re scared sometimes? just once I had a bad night and my dad was working overnight so I went to my mom’s bed but then I left in the middle of the night anyway as she was snoring, not that it usually bothers me 

Have you ever met someone with two different color eyes? saw pics on the internet only

How many surveys on average would you say you’ve done in your lifetime? shitload

Do you enjoy going school shopping? tiny bit as I enjoy shopping in general?

Do you think Pug dogs are adorable or just plain ugly? adorable

Have you ever met someone who completely resembled their pet? lookalikes

Has anyone ever knitted you something before? sure

Do you think there is a soulmate out there for everyone? then why some ppl die single?...

Do you like short or long surveys the best? it’s not about length, I need interesting questions

Have you ever bought fake money and tried to make it pass for real? I didn’t try to make it pas for real wtf

Are your siblings nice the majority of the time? *rolling my eyes*

How many uncles do you have? don’t know nor care as they don’t give a shit about me

Do you freak out when a thunderstorm comes along? nah, sometimes I feel physically bad because of it tho

How often do you shower? basically everyday

What is the absolute worst thing about high school? from my personal experience - stress

How many sodas do you usually drink in one day? I don’t drink soda for years

Have you ever met an annorexic pregnant woman? woah I can’t imagine that

Have you ever simply looked at someone & could tell they were homosexual? oh well...

Do you have the ability to read someone without even knowing them? sometimes

Would you rather eat or sleep? sleep

Are you one of those die hard Twilight or Harry Potter fans? am not, especially Twilight - I didn’t read/watch it because it sounds awful

Have you ever cried while watching a movie trailor? yes 

Have you ever learned that someone had lied to you all along? sadly

When was the last time you had a physical injury? this ending week

Have you ever wanted to be a lawyer? not really

Have you ever had to bail someone out of jail before? nope

Is there anyone in your imediate family who was adopted? no

Do you know anyone who doesn’t have any common sense? I meet many ppl like this often on the streets or online

Do you think you look anything like your parents? I know I do

Who is the skinniest person you know? Is it because of a disease? when it comes to look or weight? disease though

Is this year the best one you’ve had so far? r u joking?...

What color is your significant other’s hair? natural or dye? XD

Are you ashamed of anyone in your family? yeah The best Christmas gift you ever gotten? The sims 2 as I dreamed of it and didn’t expect my poor parents will afford and give it to me ever, I was so moved that I cried and my sister was jealous and angry 

Who is your favorite actor or actress? can’t decide

What is cuter: kisses on the forehead of the cheek? I don’t consider them cute when I receive them but kind of awkward actually but giving them is a different story

Do you believe in evolution or creation? smth in between, it’s complicated 

What group would you say you’d normally fit into the most? I feel that I wouldn’t really fit any

Are you better at drawing things or painting? drawing

Have either of your parents ever called you a failure before? I am a failure

How long have you been on the computer right now? too long, about 6 hours Name three black things that you can see? celphone, pendrive, necklace would you perfer to do the dishes or hang washing/laundry? dishes

[id-on-parade]

A New Day

This will probably be a pretty long post. I’m gonna put the positives at the front, then i’m gonna exorcise some demons from my mind. This exorcism is to remove them from my head, not to put them into someone else’s, so i’ll go ahead and put an end to positives notice, and i guess read on at your own risk.

I am currently waiting on a list of approved Mental Health care providers in my area from my insurance company, I’ve just gotten off the phone with them and they said they would send it to me and I should pick one. After picking one and confirming they are accepting patients I should call the insurance folks back to get approval for a number of appointments. They close at five, so hopefully I’ll get the list soon so i can get this rolling - hopefully i’ll get this sorted today. Its funny that I feel this sense of almost giving up on doing it myself, this outdated cultural stigma at the same time that I feel a strong sense of hope that this will be a turning point in my mental health. I look back and wonder with a decent sense of awe how different my life might have been had I received mental health care as a teen when this all started.

I had a pretty heavy depressive episode yesterday, and am happy to report that today feels more like my standard levels of depression, i’m me again today - the me that most know, not the me that’s falling and can’t seem to catch hold. this information that today is a new day, i’ve survived, and the pit appears to have closed is the end of the positives for this post. here on in will be an unloading of a very stressful and difficult week, read on if you wish, but i gotta get these demons out somewhere, so here they go.

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I guess i should start at the start. I returned this last week from a week of sick leave wherein I had some Covid symptoms, my wife had some Covid symptoms and at the start of that sick week, that was majorly stressful.  I got tested, nasal swab, x-ray, and found to be negative for covid, or pneumonia. my wife’s insurance, however, had her do an online appointment, she answered some questions, the internet told her it was likely viral sinusitis, and wrote her a note to take the week off as well, no seeing a doctor, no actual tests. now, luckily, we both seem to have gotten better over that week - but boy was that frustrating.

When I returned to work, my boss and I had a bit of a disagreement about what a sick note through Saturday meant, he thought i should have come in Saturday, I thought i shouldn't. I even called Saturday and someone over the phone told me i was not scheduled Saturday. at the end of the conversation he had basically made it seem like i was dumb for thinking about it the way i did, that it didn’t matter about the call on Saturday, and that i might get in trouble. then he said “so, for next time, you know - come in on the day that’s listed.” So far, no trouble has come down the pipeline about that, but he’s been much less jovial with me of late.

That’s probably a decent bit of paranoia, we’ve all been less jovial of late, at my work. Providing mental health care to inpatient teens is hard. there’s a lot of secondhand trauma. (more on that later) there’s a lot of firsthand trauma. (more on that later). These kids are quite ill, and they are trying so hard, often put up against a life that’s honestly too difficult for even most adults, my whole heart goes to them. Right now, With the pandemic, and the rioting, they have more stress than ever, and less access to their loved ones, and anyone who knows anything about mental illness, knows what that means for their mental health. And with all of our patients having suddenly much worse mental health it means not only that my coworkers and I are dealing with more unsafe situations, and absorbing more trauma, but on the back-end we’re watching these kids backslide through months of progress, and sometimes that’s so heartbreaking. It’s normal, to backslide, and it doesn’t mean anything negative about the kids, but it doesn’t make it less heartbreaking. so yeah, coworkers are all in their stressed out, panic, survival modes, and its pretty visible right now - which means sometimes we are not as awesome to each other as we could be.

One of my coworkers was especially not awesome, to himself, this week. I really looked up to this  guy. takes heart to be openly flamboyantly queer with these kids, and he was, and he was always honest with them as far as accountability, a real no-sugar-coating type guy. when things got rough, it wasn’t unusual to hear him say “look at your life, look at your choices” to these kids, where other staff might handhold, and walk them through an analysis of what they’d been doing. Well, this week he must have finally snapped from the stress, as about 5 cop cars and a firetruck arrived at the neighboring cottage to retrieve him from the bathroom, where he had sequestered himself to huff aerosol mid shift. He won’t be returning, and he was damn good at this. he’ll be missed, and I hope away from the job he can recover.

Stream of consciousness, this brings us to kids and trauma. To avoid trauma, as the kids also care about that coworker, I ushered the kids I was outside with into the building. well, all but one. This is a fairly new patient, AFAB NB, spent a long time homeless before coming to us, family ain’t about the identity. As the cops rolled up, they were hurling insults, flipping them off, and generally saying things that I had to remind them to watch their language for. not that i reminded them very loud, because honestly, mood. But then they got silent as the cops sent to work, and they got real still. they stopped responding to me, and that was when i decided to walk around in front of them and force eye contact. they were on the verge of tears. I said “They aren’t here for you, you’re safe here, let’s go inside - it isn’t helping you to watch this.” they said It’s just --- the last time I saw the Cops they were hauling away my boyfriend”. - “that is extremely traumatic, if you come inside with me we can work on some coping, and help you to get the thoughts out, will you come inside with me?” -- “I wan’t to, But I just Can’t, I Can’t Make Myself.” - “Can you take my arm and we’ll walk together?” --”NO! I Can’t Have Anyone Touch Me Right Now, PLEASE” - “Absolutely, you’re safe here, how about if we take it slow, and I walk beside you instead?” -- “o-okay” it took us roughly 5 minutes to walk the 20 steps to the door. Once inside, they wept in a ball for some time, before beginning to work on coping skills with me. In processing, they let me know they were having such trouble because the boyfriend they were remembering had been very abusive, and the cops were hauling him off because of the beatings he had heaped upon them. that they hated the cops because they thought they loved him at the time, even though they now know he was not good for them, but knowing that hadn’t made them hate the cops less. And that seeing the cops had put their mind firmly into memories of being abused, and that they were having trouble breaking free of that thought trap. eventually we were able to get them involved in group activities and somewhat distracted, at least.

There’s a kid who reminds me of me as a teen, he’s depressed, and angry. unlike me as a teen he’s also very slow to process, and to avoid falling behind when he fails to process things he either makes cruel jokes, or explodes with anger. His dog is dying. His family barely sees him normally, but with the virus they don’t do much at all. His only contact is family therapy, and when he remembers to call them. he often doesn’t remember to call them until after phone time is over. then he wants to scream and shout and tear everything apart when he doesn’t get to make the call. This story though, is about a day he did remember to call. And his family let him know about the riots, all across the country. He’s trying hard to understand, but he doesn’t. He thinks, his being here, after drug and assault charges, has something to do with whats going on out there. that maybe his case is also unjust. but he also knows he needs this care. but he also sees himself backsliding and feels hopeless about progress, due to the depression. This is when he decides to try to recruit his peers to escape with him. All of his peers, to their credit, stayed the fuck out of it. but it did mean convincing him of the value of treatment, and the potential risk of breaking down a door - while he was trying to break down a door. he’s one of the few that I honestly don’t know, if i’m alone with him and he swings on me, if i could defend myself well enough until support arrived. he didn’t that day. but boy was that A Lot Of Stress.

The kid who has assaulted the most staff and peers, physically, verbally, sexually. started a plan that had him out of Low Stim and with peers in Close Attention this week, because we were receiving a new kid this week, at six foot, straight from juvie, a known fighter, and an off-meds psychopath. and, even though Low Stim has 2 rooms, we’re trying to get sexually assaultive kid out of there so there isn't risk in the dual occupancy. i’ll talk about new kid later, for now lets talk about the more long term patient. this patient has trouble with building relationships, an echo of the abuse he experienced in younger life, frequently he gets sexually explicit, physically assaultive and perhaps fecally oriented while doing so, especially when he is worried about relationships, or feels “too silly”. the trouble being of course, our counseling works best when we build strong relationships with patients, and even regular jokes can push him into the “too silly” category. He did well for the first bit. after about three days the back to back escalations began. a peer told a joke, he laughed too much, the staff pulled all the other kids inside and away from him to protect them. he whipped out his dick, pissed all over the place, tried showing it to staff, then began throwing sidewalk chalk everywhere, windows, doors, the roof, towards other buildings, whatnot. when the support staff arrived and 12 of us asked him to proceed to a quiet room, he did so of his own volition, rather than us taking him, and due to that, my coworker did not lock him there. no sooner had the extra staff gone than he came out banging around.we went hands on and locked him there. at the end of an hour and a half, my coworker deemed he had calmed enough to rejoin his peers. no sooner had he made his way back into the milieu than he began trying to hug and grope various staff.we again hauled him into a quiet room and locked him there. as the shift neared its end, we called security and had them help us get him back to his room in the LSA, not wanting to leave night shift with a kid in a QR. once back there, he tried to show staff his dick, again, and eventually settled into refusing to go to his room, when it was clear staff wouldn’t interact with him anymore for the night and expected him to go to bed, he went in his room, drug his mattress to being half down in the doorway, looked at me and said “is this in my room enough?” before laying down to try to sleep. he was scared, after everything he didnt want to be alone, and would rather not follow directions and potentially be in trouble, than be by himself in his room. I let him stay there. More of the same throughout the following day, and the day after that is when his story intersects with new kids in just about the most traumatic way.

New kid is over six feet, muscular, dead eyed, and arrived wearing a juvie orange jumper which he refuses to change from. developmentally, it is hard to distinguish this mustachioed individual from a fully grown man. in all of his dealings with staff, he was robotically polite. out of staffs sight he could be heard screaming angrilly, wailing in dispair, cursing out people who aren’t there, and then pleading “ oh no, no no no, NO NO NO NO” like you would expect to hear from a prone person while someone with a bloody knife walked towards them. I know because for a lot of the week i sat and listened to this. i listened to him strike himself after the pleading as well. and while I personally was not threatened in any way by his actions, it was still extremely stressful and distressing. Throughout the week, whenever the longer term patient overheard these things, he would should “would you stop, damn” to the new kid, and less polite versions. I tried to remind the long term patient that everyone struggled with different things, and that it would be better to ignore his peer, or at least make politer requests. no such luck. it seemed, throughout the week as though new kid simply did not hear long term patient.he proved that wrong on saturday afternoon, when he marched out of his room and began wailing on long term patient. after long term patient fell, new patient grabbed him by the hair and pulled him into a room, where the beating could be heard to continue. By the time we had enough staff to safely go in, new kid was standing one foot on long term kids throat, looking him in the eyes and repeating “i’m going to kill you” but, dispassionately.

I think thats it for work stress, I covered viral stress earlier. I am stressed by the riots. it makes me profoundly sad that it must come to this, but i also find myself firmly believe it HAD to come to this. that this rioting is righteous, and the only road to social change. I’ve been a punk since I was a teen, and I feel like i should do more for this movement, but honestly all of my energy is being spent keeping me going and treating these kids.

My depression has picked my relationship with bestie to fixate on in these trying times, and I fear I may have damaged that relationship because of it this weekend. bestie has just started a new schedule which is excellent for her. I’m so happy that she is now on a schedule that works for her needs, and will allow a healthy amount of sleep, and time at home, and for her to sleep close to the hours she’d prefer to be sleeping. I had been very lucky in that her last schedule was very close to my own schedule, and so our time at home nearly entirely overlapped. she chose to spend a number of mornings, and late evenings after the rest of the house just hanging out, her and I, and I absolutely love that time. I don’t want to sound entitled to it, at all. it is a gift she gives to me, that I am so happy to receive and which i am so glad she wants to give to me. With the new schedule she will have to leave early enough that the morning hangouts will not be an option, and because of this likely ought to go to bed early enough that the hangouts while the house slumbers aren’t a healthy choice. My depression tried hard to have me believing that this meant those times were just gone. After work saturday, bestie and wifey were listening to an excellent, but extremely despairing/sad audio drama.It was very enjoyable. It was probably not a mentally healthy choice for me to partake in that, and had I requested a different hangouts activity, they might have been a little sad, but probably would have swapped. instead, rather than be an even minor inconvenience I joined because i wanted the hangouts, and had a great time listening to a great story and felt like while the despair was growing in me, in resonance with the story, i’d sleep on it and it’d be alright sunday. I woke up sunday honestly too depressed to get out of bed. just laying in spiral. I asked bestie to join us in bed, when i heard her going to get her phone charger, hoping extra cuddles would help me get through, i don’t know why i couldn’t ask for what I wanted, I had the opportunity and I’m sure it would have been fine, now, in hindsight. I felt like at the time I was so certain something would go wrong. eventually everyone came to the bed and there was a semi-cudllepuddle. people didn't want to fall back asleep, it makes sense not to full cuddle puddle for that. as people set in on their various phone activities I started to get that feeling like i wasn’t part of what was happening (despite being there. I know, I don’t know why, but when the depression gets going it gets harder to fight.) and rather than grab my phone and to the separate activities together thing I just withdrew. i recall someone commenting on it, and I thought i said something confirmatory about it. The blondes (wifey and besties husband) went to the store, and I could tell bestie might fall asleep, so i tried to get her to stay awake, she needed to for the new schedule. in interacting i’d asked to hold her hand, and she observed i was sad to relinquish it when she wanted it back. admitting that made me sad, led to just an outpouring of all of this stuff sans work stuff. and the worry about time to spend. I shouldn’t have dumped all of that on her, she didn’t consent to listening to that, and she certainly had a stressful enough time. I hate that when I’m in the throws of this damn disease I can’t seem to stop this. I don’t want to hurt the people I love. I don’t want to push them away. She reminded me I ought to go to therapy. I worry I may have offended her by talking about worrying about time we’d get to spend together. That voice in my brain is trying to convince me that her response means that those times mean so much more to me than to her. thats a damn lie. its a damn lie and it needs to get out. I’m exorcising it with the lot.

I’ve just received the list. I’m ending this here, and moving forward with that productive enterprise

[ankhjohn]

clergy, sex, success, and me

I was born in the middle of 1941. The Second world war had just begun. I can't recall anything much before the age of eight, but I can remember certain places and events like they happened yesterday. Public schools in the inner city, and especially Jr. high, were repetitious, boring,  and very dangerous to attend. Back then, every other kid had a switch blade knife, and they were plenty eager to wave them around to intimidate and threaten any body they felt like messing with, including teachers, and sometimes even cops.  

Once, I witnessed a stabbing in the school cafeteria. The very quick and violent nature of that horribly messy act frightened me immensely, and it was that experience that made me realize that I was, unfortunately, a coward. It was very disturbing, and it affected me for a very long time afterward.  

Up until 1954, I was what was considered to be a clod and a nerd at school,  Something equivalent to a non-entity.  I had no idea how suddenly my life was about to change.  Every day I constantly faced being bullied on the way to school, at school, and on the way home from school. I developed rudimentary time schedules, and tentative escape routes, or safe places, in order that I could have the best chance of making it home unhurt and alive. That seemed to work most of the time, but several times it did not, and I paid dearly for the mistake.

Toward the end of the school year in 1954, just before my birthday,  and a well earned,  glorious three month vacation,  I was run down by two boys on the way home from school, and I got roughly pushed around as they brandished their 'blades'. I was given the choice of sucking their dicks or suffering a beating by both of them. Now some will say never, but this frightened 13 year old left that culvert party unharmed beyond the humiliation, a few bruises from getting knocked around, and dirt on my knees, They let me go with a warning not to tell anyone.  I did not. It was too embarrassing, and the stigma at the time would have isolated me completely from my peers, parents, and teachers, not to mention the fear of retaliation, but the worst thing of all, was to be branded a 'queer'.

Summer vacation finally arrived and a friend I will call 'Tom”, from school, came to visit me at my home on one bright Saturday morning and convinced me to accompany him to his friends house that lived in another part of the neighborhood to pick up some money, and then we could go to the movies, and get a hamburger and drinks afterward.  I agreed to go with him, and we set off immediately. Soon we arrived at a very nice apartment building and Tom rang the bell.  A buzzer sounded, and He pushed the door open widely and as we climbed the short flight of stairs, we entered into a very plush and rich interior filled with antiques and art. Two older men happily greeted us with smiles, and sat us down on a huge couch in the palatial living room.   One of the elderly gentlemen went to the kitchen and brought out  two beers and set them on the coffee table using coasters that depicted  nude reclining male figures. I thought it was curious, but amusing.

The beer was bitter, and I knew I would not be able to finish it.   I glanced at Tom as he took a sip of the beer and to my surprise, he downed the whole thing.  After setting the glass back on the table, Tom quickly proceeded to undress right on the spot.  I didn't know what was happening, until my friend pulled down his  underwear, and revealed his very generous boner, which in turn, was immediately set upon  by one of the elderly gentlemen, who began doing to him what I had to do to the two boys from school.. That was when the other guy began unzipping my pants and exposing my penis. I was frozen in my spot and my face flushed, my heart was pounding like a rod going out on a diesel engine. I was so embarrassed I thought it would be impossible for me to get an erection under this surprising turn of events. Why, I thought, would anybody want to suck my dick in the first place?  Well, here was someone who obviously seemed more than happy to do it, and after a bit of gentle coaxing, I did get an erection, and he did get me to blow a load of cum on his tonsils.

I was complemented by the older gentleman for my 'pervormance', and I realized an immediate new sense of confidence in my sexual prowess, it seemed to give me a feeling of a new identity, as if a new person had unfolded in me that day, and as a result of this realization, the 'queer thing', as well as  the age difference,  became a non-factor for me.  I had become sexually liberated! As we were leaving, my friend and I  each received a ten dollar bill, for our obviously successful efforts, with an open invitation to visit at any time.  We then spent the afternoon at the movies and stuffed ourselves on everything you can imagine that a thirteen year old would do with 10 bucks.  

My life changed overnight that day.  I felt 'adult' so to speak.  Soon, my visits to the apartment became pretty regular, and I had plenty of money in my pocket.  My mother worked as a hostess for a nightclub and her take home pay for a 40 hour week was $35.00. I was making more money than my hard working mother.  At school, I loaned out lunch money and it wasn't long before just about everybody in my classes 'owed' me money.   Life was good. And when you're on top of the world, it can be a long fall to the bottom if you slip.

I was fourteen now, and Tom, the same friend that introduced me to the homosexuals,  invited me for a three way with a smart looking red headed woman in her thirties. The thought was scary and exciting at the same time. I had seen my Friend in action a few times by now, but never had contact with him in that manner.    What could possibly go wrong?    Well, the red head experience is one I won't soon forget, or get over, for that matter.  I felt I had just secured my sexual 'spot' in the world, when Tom and I dated the older woman and he guaranteed that she was a good tipper. She picked us up at a local hamburger stand in the afternoon, and drove us to a secluded section of a nearby park whereupon I performed what I thought was a pretty darn good job, then Tom took his turn, and apparently, it wasn't received with the same enthusiasm, because when he ejaculated in her face, he also decided to urinate to finish the job. That red head really got pissed off. She was hot, hollering, spitting, and snatching her bra off the steering wheel,  she kicked us out of her car and we had to walk home. I never got a cent for my valiant effort.      Gee,.. thanks Tom,....

Three days after the episode with the red head, my mother had to take me to the doctor because of the large, very painful weeping sores which suddenly appeared on the head of my penis.  It was so bad, I guessed they didn't even want to tell me the name of the disease,  because they would only refer to the word in my presence using initials. Something like, T.S.P. , or L.S.D., I can't remember, but I do remember the tool of my new found trade being broken and the future of my primary source of income and enjoyment, was in jeopardy.  But that was for the future, right now the pressing problem was answering a lot of embarrassing questions from a lot of pissed off adults.   I was pretty sure Tom was going through the same thing, and I wondered how he was 'copulating' with the situation. I would have liked to have called and talked with him, but it was impossible, I was being too closely watched, like perhaps they might watch someone for attempting suicide or something.  

I tried playing the unknowing recipient of some dreaded disease that I had obviously contacted from some unsanitary toilet seat at some unmemorable filling station. It seemed to work for the moment, but soon I was confronted with real names, and places and events with astonishing accuracy, and there was little I could do to offer any story, and I resigned myself to suffer the consequences for my actions.  One of the conditions of my subsequent probation (for lying to police) was that I was told I was no longer allowed to communicate or see my friend Tom.  That restriction however, did not last long. My dick healed up in about 3 weeks. It was too painful for me to get an erection or masturbate during that period, and I was celibate the whole time. One boy suggested that I had the clap so bad they called it “applause”... Very funny.  

It amazed me to see how the size of my dick shrank in direct proportion to how sick I got.  It finally got better enough that I began to gently exercise it, slowly bringing it back to life and serviceable operation. I wanted to continue enjoying the lifestyle  I had enjoyed before the crash. I didn't know exactly how, but I was determined to resume my new found enjoyment-employment.  The end of summer arrived, and the stress of school once again loomed before me,  Because I was not allowed out alone, I spent a lot of time in my bedroom playing music, and taking long showers, to conceal my masturbatory habits.  Sometimes In bed, would masturbate into my dirty socks, and put them in the laundry... Mother never thought to look there for evidence...

Returning to school, all I could think of was how I was going to face all my teachers and peers. Talk about stage fright!  I was already trying to think of ways to gain some personal time out of the school day. Maybe volunteer for some activity or get study hall, or anything I could use to disguise some unsupervised time after school so I could resume where I  left off...

Like an answer to my prayers, God Himself was to intervene and send me a mentor and benefactor, in the form of one Reverend P.J. Goodbody, (not his real name..), a local pastor who worked with wayward kids through his church, and with the juvenile court,  turned out to be my assigned probation officer.  Since P.J. Knew my case history, it wasn't long before ol' P.J. Had me in his office with his lips on my dick up to my balls... In his car...and several times, in the parking garage.  Once, he suggested a filling station restroom for a quickie, but I drew the line at that for obvious reasons, and instead we ended up in a truckers shower on I-5, a few miles away.

My duties were mostly maintenance in and around the church. Our 'professional session' was “as needed” and if I literally “got off early” I could get time for myself that was vouched for by the good reverend, P.J. and needless to say, it was a “marriage” made in heaven.  Mother would pick me up immediately after school and drop me off at P.J.'s office.  He would take care of 'business' right away, and then I would water the lawns and shrubs, take the garbage out, and whatever was needed. After that, I could do what I wanted for a couple of hours, and that included going down town on 'errands'.   Just like mission impossible, P.J. Did speak to me about being caught where I shouldn't be, and told me he would have to disavow any claims resulting from such a situation, otherwise, I should have a good time.                                  I wasted no time.    

Remember when I was worried about facing my peers?  Well, a little advertising certainly goes a long way, and everybody in school was talking in front of, on the side, behind my back, and over my head. I would get razzing and giggles, and some unusual inquires, but everyone of the general population pretty much kept away from me.  Oddly enough however,  during this time,  I was being covertly propositioned by some of the most unlikely students of both sexes.  Several boys wanted mutual masturbation, another was interested in anal sex, A girl suggested oral sex. And then, My math teacher began occasionally keeping me after school for “Special instruction” which of course, took place in the cloak room.  Opportunities abounded, but these were non paying jobs as far as I was concerned, more or less a good will tour, if you know what I mean.  

Do you have any idea how hard it was in the 1950's for an underage boy to get a blow job on the street?  If you were young, horny, and wanted sex, your best bet was to join a church.   In 1955, I was bumping into other guys my age that were having similar experiences, and we would talk about them whenever we got together.  I eventually 'gave' and 'got' through the school year with the help of P.J., who was thanked profusely by my mother for the vast improvement in my attitude and calming my wild ways. I wanted to say:   Jesus mom, I blow a load of cum down his throat twice a day, No wonder I'm calm!   But I didn't want to spoil it, I was having a good time, and things were looking up.

With spiritual guidance from the good reverend,  I gradually acquired several regular 'customers' from the religious community. For a while, it seemed like I was going from 'parson to parson'. I have to say they were very gentle and grateful. I didn't always get paid in money, but there were pool parties with food, drinks, gifts, weekend stay overs, and the very busy hot tubs.  I seemed to be popular at the time, because I had a good history of keeping quiet. And why not? What has being truthful ever gotten me? The whole idea of this 'truth will set you free' thing,  seemed counter-intuitive to me from the beginning. The truth has never set me free. It only frees the cops, the attorneys, and the judge.  

So far, My sexual contact with a woman had proven to be a rather negative, and downright disastrous event,  but I still wanted to explore this realm a bit more intimately, and I came to the conclusion that I was not  a homosexual, nor was I heterosexual, but just plain sexual. Which is not to say I was in it primarily for the sex, but more as the means to enjoy a social standing I would not normally have been able to experience. In other words, it became kind of a hobby with benefits. While there were the occasional negatives, there were far more positives as a result of those relationships. In a sense, my “friends” had become clergy, attorneys, doctors, dentists, you name it, I had the best advice and support that money alone cannot buy, and I have yet to meet a stingy cocksucker among them.  

That summer and winter came and went and I was spending a minimal amount of time at home because of my involvement with the whole church business. The year seemed to pass quickly. Things had settled in, and my time became very structured in terms of who, where, when, and what. I had liked the way things were going, and I didn't want or think that it might end any time soon. Another boy who I did not know, but had seen hanging around Tom, spilled his beans after a brief cross examination by his parents, and my name came up along with others, and the cops eventually showed up at my door for a bit of a chat about who I knew, and when... I have to admit it was intimidating and I was genuinely scared, but I held out, hoping they would get tired and go away. I didn't want to get in a jam like I did last time, so it was all or nothing, todo or nada. I refused to talk at all. I clammed up as if frightened, and I was. Finally they left, but vowed to see me again. That was not the end of it by any means, but for now my mind was swirling with thoughts of doom. I had no idea what was going to happen to P.J. and the 'gang', and most of all, Me.  

P.J. Wound up getting arrested for oral copulation with a child under the age of fourteen, and along with two other acquaintances, were convicted. I refused to incriminate him and instead, I extolled his virtues in my deposition, lauding him for keeping me on the 'straight' and narrow. As a matter of fact, my grades were very good, and I had not gotten into any 'regular' trouble since he became my probation officer.  Coincidentally, My  attorney turned out to be a queer friend of  P.J.s,  and he was eventually able to keep me out of the juvenile justice system. Unfortunately, I still had to deal with my parents. By this time, my parents had enough and sat me down for a discussion which consisted of them yelling at me for a long time. They finally got tired and threw their hands up in the gesture of giving up.  Since the tough love approach didn't work, they were ready to allow my emancipation, but only when I turned fifteen in another month, and if I stayed out of trouble until then, I was good to go. I was delighted, of course, but with serious twinges of uncertainty.

I turned fifteen in the summer of'56, I was finally emancipated, and my classes had been modified to accommodate 'sexualized' students like myself. I was in a class with the bad boys, and I was accepted as one of them. A club, as it were, for comrades in arms and action. I was no longer considered a nerd, or a clod.  I had graduated to 'punk loser', and in a weird sort of way, I couldn't have been happier with my new found identity.  Looking back, you might say I would have been better off hanging out with the 'A' students, but I eventually went to work for an interesting gay and generous company that employed me for my skill in customer relations and closing important deals  I was good at what I did, and why not?   I had plenty of experience!

[assassinsdragons]

Hello my lovely! 16, 19, and 54 for the asks please (and soothing vibes for the headache).

Good afternoon, Your Majesty <3 thank you ^^ i’m trying to stay out to get fresh air and drink as much water as possible, so hopefully it’ll go over soon

16. How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

Hmm, I’ve a lot of different feelings right now actually. Obviously, my head ache is something that doesn’t quite make me happy. Also, my last call at work yesterday was really bad, cause the customer was really pissed off but there was nothing I could do and.. well, yeah, you get the idea. BUT a couple of days ago, I had a meeting at work where they told me they’d like to add me as back up to their second line support (even though I’ll only go up to their first line after next week) so I’m really happy and excited (and slightly anxious) about that. I’m also very happy to have received a new package of notebooks today so I have more space to write on. 

Mostly, though, I’m tired. So yeah, I’m having a headache and still a little down after that last call yesterday. I’m also happy about some things but mostly... I’m just really tired.

19. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

I guess that depends... would I go back and have to live through everything again? Or would I be able to go back and give myself advice on how to not exhaust myself? Or would I go back in time and be allowed to stay in that time forever? 

I mean, there are times I’d love to live through again, such as my trip to China two years ago ( which is a time I never would object to staying in) or to go back to different points in my life to tell myself, quite firmly, to just CALM THE FUCK DOWN, but if I would have to just live it all through again? Then no. I would not.

54. Is cheating ever okay?

Do you mean cheating on your partner? Then no.

Do you mean cheating in a game or a sport or in school? Generally no, since rules are there to make the game/sport fair for everyone. However, when a rule can be deemed as unequal, or even dismissive of a certain someone’s needs, then the rules could be discussed... (for example, in school, some rules could, and should be adapted to each student’s needs without singling out them. A student with ADHD should be allowed to hum quietly or play a bit with a stress ball without being called out on disturbing the rest of the class. If complete silence is a rule, then it’s the rule or even the teacher enforcing it that’s the problem, not the kids) (I hope I make some kind of sense when writing this...?)

[engagedtobefree]

It’s been probably over a year since I posted anything about my personal life on here, aside from a few little one- or two-liner posts. A lot has happened, some of which I will hopefully be posting about soon, but there have been a lot of other things weighing on me lately.

I guess I can continue where I started in therapy yesterday, but didn’t get to finish. I have felt for the past few weeks so sick of so much. I am sick of politics and politicians, first and foremost. I’m sick of living in a country where the child of Narcissus and the devil is running our country. I feel so much anger towards him at times, and then I try to feel myself back in, calm myself, but his complete disdain for anyone other than himself is just so infuriating, and then it fuels my anger even more to see people defending him like he’s some sort of god. It’s disgusting. I’m sick of Biden. I was okay with him as VP but haven’t cared for him at all since he started campaigning. He is just a lesser evil Trump; but evil is still evil. I don’t know if I can bring myself to vote for this man, but then I know if I don’t, we might get Trump for another 4 years, and to me that is much worse. I don’t know what to do. Right now I’ve just put it aside. I have until November to make a decision. Which brings me around to my anger at Bernie. I placed all of my hope in him, as many others did, and he dropped out so soon. I can, to a certain degree, understand why he did it, but he could’ve stayed in the running. He still had a chance. And I’m mad at him for giving up way too soon and leaving us with Biden. He knew he was our only hope, and he dropped the ball.

I’m sick of my mother. Her narcissism also angers me at times. Every conversation we have, every interaction, always revolves around her, and if we aren’t talking about her, she will somehow bring the conversation around to her and her life. It’s predictable and I’m so tired of dealing with it, even more so now being stuck in with her all the time. She goes from being nice one second to tearing me down the next, calling me names, being controlling, gaslighting me, blaming me for anything she can think of. It’s exhausting. I just want a house of my own, but thanks to covid, the housing market is slower than ever. Another frustration. I daydream about living alone again, about not having to emotionally support my emotionally unsupportive mother, about not hearing my name called 50 times a day about something, about not having to deal with someone who is always angry, negative, miserable, and blaming everyone but themselves for how they are.

I am sick of Scott. Something shifted for the better the past several months before lockdown happened, but then of course like everything else, this got flipped upside down. I was reaching out to him almost every day, then once a week, and a majority of the time I was just not well-received. So now it’s been almost 2 weeks and I just can’t bring myself to message him. On top of everything else I’m dealing with, facing the almost constant feeling of rejection day after day was too much, so I stopped putting myself in that situation. He hasn’t reached out and who knows if he will. The only reason we ever talked 99% of the time anyway was because of me initiating it. Normally, I didn’t care too much, but now I do. I’m just tired of being treated like I’m not worth the effort to talk to. I don’t have the energy to deal with it right now and my tolerance for people’s behavior toward me has dropped very, very low. But then, in another sense, I don’t think it’s Scott I’m really sick of. I think of him and can feel the warmth and light immediately, the kind I always get, and I think maybe it’s not him I’m sick of, but the situation, the not knowing, and the way I am perceiving his current behavior toward me. It’s a mixed bag, and I just want to stop carrying the weight of it for a while.

I am very much sick of my IBS. I have been having more flare-ups than usual since I’ve been stuck home, despite taking my usual supplements, drinking peppermint tea daily, and avoiding my known trigger foods as much as I can. I guess it’s my current stress levels and mental health that are probably triggering flare-ups, which is more annoying because those, to me, are harder to control than food. And flare-ups make me so tired, then I don’t have energy to do things I want to be doing. I know that my IBS formed by bacteria from a virus, and in most cases it tends to go away after 6-10 years, but it’s of no consolation to me currently as I am only about 2 ½ years into it and there’s no guarantee my gut will ever return to normal. Recently, I have seen my distorted, bloated belly more than I’ve seen my normal, healthy one. It’s disheartening.

I started my yoga teacher training via zoom, and I guess because of my constant fluctuating mental health, I fell behind on homework. I turned in my first assignment on time, but I need to catch up on readings and practicing teaching. I’m worried about getting hands-on experience too. I know my teacher wants us to have that, but my biggest fear in all of this is that I won’t get it. I am trying to now remember the feeling I got several times that this was the program for me, so I am trying to rewire my brain to remember that this was divinely orchestrated and that it’ll be okay.

But it’s hard. It’s all so fucking hard. And I know there are people dealing with much worse right now, but there are just some wounds I’m dealing with right now and I’m tired of feeling like all I’m doing is pouring salt on them. I see so much, observe so much, I think so much, and all it does is well up inside of me like an overflowing sink, a faucet that is rusted open and won’t shut off. I miss my friends, I miss doing things, I miss going out, I miss having hope, I miss the people I work with, I miss talking to Scott, I miss people I have never even met, I miss the life I am not living, I miss the life I never had. There is so much going on inside of me right now, it is overwhelming. Everything I stated above isn’t even half of it. I don’t know how to put it all into words. I don’t know how to express the simultaneous life and death I am feeling happening at all times. It’s like I can feel every cell within me dying every second and the new ones coming to life at the same moment. That is just the one constant thing I am feeling at all times and it is such a strange feeling to have.

I am trying to look for the silver linings in all of this. For everything, I ask myself questions. What can I learn here? What is this trying to teach me? Is this trying to propel me towards something else? I am trying to make hope from the seemingly hopeless. What can I do? I can throw myself in. Embrace this messiness and ugliness for all it is. Don’t try to make it pretty cuz it isn’t. I can get off my phone. Deletedeletedelete. Stop looking at other people’s lives and look at my own more. Get up earlier. Move more. Let go. Focus on the yoga and the meditation and the breath. Throw myself into the hurt and the healing. Allow it to swallow me whole. Cry. Write. Cry some more. Dance. Shake. Unpeel all the layers. Love. Then love some more.

This overall is such a strange time. I hope that maybe, for me, this is just my cocooning. Maybe I’ll come out alright.

[pug-bitch]

That’s not why I’m going (3)

Maybe a bit too much

 Book: The Royal Romance

Pairings: Drake Walker x Amara Suarez

Rating: some foul language, otherwise pretty PG

Word count: 2,060

Notes: I took some liberties with the timeline…it starts when they are still on the plane and then it jumps forward by a few days, and there’s a slight flashback. Hope it makes sense!!

*****

‘Amara, look! This is it!’

Maxwell jumps across the aisle to grab her arm and show her out the window: they were arriving in Cordonia. She gasps. ‘Wow, this is amazing, Maxwell! Such a gorgeous coastline, I can’t believe it!’

She gets up to get closer to the window and, in the process, almost knocks over Drake’s half-full tumbler. ‘Watch it, Suarez! Don’t get too excited!’

Something jolts in her. She hadn’t heard anyone call her by her last name since…well, for two years. ‘What did you just call me?’

He chuckles. ‘I looked at your customs form when you were asleep. You mind?’

She really thought she would, but she really doesn’t. It actually feels nice to hear it again. ‘No. It’s fine. But let me see your form now, you owe me that…’ She grabs it swiftly and reads. ‘Walker? Like Karen Walker?’ Drake looks at her, visibly not understanding the reference.

Maxwell snorts, ‘Ha! So true! They have the same relationship with booze, too!’

Amara smiles, earnestly. She sees her reflection in the plane window. She wonders how long it’s been since she’s shown a smile that was this outrageously honest.

Probably two years, too.

Maxwell breaks the comfortable silence. ‘I’m so excited for you. Cordonia really is something in the Spring. When we land, I’ll show you around and get you situated. We’ll meet my brother, Bertrand, at Ramsford, and we’ll run you through the whole deal. I’ll brief you on Bertrand on the way over there, he’s…nevermind, you’ll see. I know you’re anxious to see Liam, but we’re probably gonna have to wait until tomorrow when everyone makes their debut. But don’t worry,’ he winks, ‘I’ll make sure you get some alone time with the Prince.’

And the honest smile vanishes.

**************************************

Drake schleps his luggage across the small airport, a gloomy look on his face. He’s picking up his pace, losing the other two. He would run if he could. How could he have been so dumb? The second he heard Max promise Amara some time with Liam, it dawned on him. She was here for one thing and one thing only: getting to know Liam, and ultimately, possibly marrying him. All this chemistry they’d had on the plane, that was probably all in his head. And if it wasn’t…well, it can’t be anything more. Liam comes first, everyone knows that.

‘Walker, how ‘bout you walk, instead of running away from us?’, Amara jokes.

Drake chuckles, and hastily adds, ‘I parked my truck in the overnight lot, I’ll drive myself, I’ll see you guys later.’

She calls for him again but he doesn’t turn around, he just waves from a distance and tells Max he’ll call him later.

He doesn’t want them to see how upset he is, about nothing.

Once in his car, he kicks himself for not getting another look at her, before everything changes.

******************

‘Do you take whipped cream, Amara?’

Amara nods, a faint smile on her lips. Hana had invited her over to her room to make her hot chocolate. They had met a few days earlier, right before the debut ball, as Amara was trying on dresses and bumped into the young woman. They were instant friends, just like Amara had been with Maxwell. It was nice to feel surrounded with friendly faces, especially after the hectic few days she’d just had. Hana had immediately seen how gloomy Amara was feeling, and spontaneously took her under her wing.

They sat in silence, sipping their hot chocolates. It was the best Amara had ever had. Was there anything Hana couldn’t do? She was pure grace, that woman. And yet, Amara did not envy her. As smooth as she was, as much as she’d belong here, it was clear that Hana would rather be just anywhere else. Of course, she hadn’t said anything like that, but Amara could tell. Maybe that’s why they clicked instantly. They were both here for the wrong reasons and did not have the guts to admit it. On some level, she was sure Hana saw clearly in her as well.

‘Thanks for this, Hana. I needed it. The other day was rough, at the ball, and now today with the press…I’m not cut out for this.’

‘Come on, Amara, you were great! You’re being too hard on yourself. Maxwell was just saying this earlier. The ball went well, it’s just that the other women were a little hostile, but it’ll change…’

‘A little hostile, huh? How about that redheaded Arya Stark?’

Hana laughs in the most adorable giggle. ‘Olivia Nevrakis? I know, she’s a lot to take in. Or at least, she was to you. She completely ignored me, so I don’t know what’s worse.’

Amara squeezes Hana’s shoulder reassuringly.

‘And as for the press,’ Hana adds, ‘they loved you. The whole aura of mystery thing is really working. You impressed everyone, you know!’

Amara smiles faintly. She did want to remain a mystery as long as possible. She was even reluctant to give her last name to the press, but refusing to do so would make them even more compelled to dig into her life. So, she complied, hoping for the best.

‘So,’ Hana asks coyly, ‘are you gonna tell me what’s on your mind?’

Amara wanted to tell her, but what was on her mind was not for anyone else but herself. She couldn’t stop thinking about the last time she really talked to Drake, the night of her debut. Could she tell Hana that? Maybe not.

‘Um, nothing much, just stressing out about the whole competition thing. I don’t do well with the mean girls atmosphere, and I feel like it’s gonna be a problem.’

She didn’t care about the atmosphere. She wasn’t worried about the girls. She just couldn’t stop thinking about that damn broody man.

‘May I have this dance, Suarez?’

‘Absolutely.’ She was surprised that he even knew how to dance this type of thing. She had been rehearsing with Maxwell all morning and all afternoon. But of course, Drake seemed to be a fixture at court, so maybe it was normal. 

‘You’re good at this, Walker.’

He smiles, his hand gripping hers a tad more tightly. She was suddenly extremely aware of his other hand on her waist. It emboldened her, and she finally asked what she was itching to ask.

‘Why’d you run away yesterday at the airport?’

He sighs, clearly having dreaded this very question. ‘It’s nothing. I just had to get home.’ She stares at him intently. He breaks a little. ‘I wanted to give you your space. I overstepped by being overly chummy with you. You’re here for Liam, and I’m here to…well, he asked me to keep an eye on you, make sure you’re ok. We don’t need to be close.’

She swallows hard. Her own saliva feels like sand in her throat. ‘Suit yourself. I liked your company, that’s all.’

There is a heavy silence, and he breaks it again. ‘Me too, Suarez. Maybe a bit too much.’

‘Amara?’

‘Oh, sorry, I zoned out. This chocolate was amazing, Hana. Thank you.’ She gives her a quick hug. ‘Do you know where I can find booze?’

Hana lets out a surprised laugh. ‘Oh! I’m sure there’s some downstairs somewhere. Want me to help you find some?’

‘I’m good, I’ll just go to bed.’

They say their quick goodbyes and Amara slips out. She feels like a bitch. She loves Hana already, but didn’t want to risk blabbing to her too much yet. It was nice being around her, though. Relaxing. Somehow, they got each other, after just a few days. Hana was the only one who never talked to her about Liam, which Amara appreciated. She didn’t need that extra guilt about leading him on. She wondered why Hana never mentioned him at all, though. Was it because of the competition? Did she not want to ruin their budding friendship by talking about the man they were both supposedly courting? It could be that. But probably not.

Amara felt bad about lying to Hana, but she kept on walking through the various corridors, not stopping at her bedroom door. She’d try the upstairs drawing room, there was a bar there the other day.

As she walked in, she spotted a familiar figure by the balcony. Wearing red as always, but this time in casual clothes, there she was. Olivia fucking Nevrakis. Ugh, she thought. Just her luck.

Olivia turned around and saw Amara too. ‘Ugh,’ she said out loud. At least they were on the same page.

It was too late to run away.

‘Hey Olivia. Didn’t mean to interrupt.’

She suddenly notices that Olivia is holding a cigarette in one hand and a whiskey sour in the other. She gestures for Amara to join her on the balcony.

‘You sure?’

‘Yeah. Come have a cigarette, New York. You need it.’

‘I don’t smoke.’

‘Me neither.’

Amara smiles and holds out her hand. Olivia helps her light her cigarette, and hands her a glass, too. ‘I think you know how to make yourself a drink.’

‘Touché. But anyone can make a whiskey sour.’ Amara swiftly pours the liquor and the mixer.

They smoke and drink in silence for a while, although Amara isn’t sure how long. She doesn’t want to be the one to break the silence. Somehow, it’s comfortable.

‘Are you gonna tell me what you’re doing here?’ Olivia asks sharply, without turning to look at Amara.

‘Same as you, I guess.’

Olivia chuckles sarcastically. ‘I highly doubt that.’

Amara doesn’t need to respond. She’s right. Instead, she fires up another question. ‘Why do you want to know?’

‘Just checking out the competition. Everyone’s all over you, you know. Especially Liam. It’s annoying. I’ve been working this man for the past 20 years, I’ve given him my best moves, and all he sees is you.’

‘Olivia, I--’

‘I’m not finished. And you don’t give a shit about him. You waltz in, with your American charm, you give him this air of mystery, and all for what? Stolen moments in the ballroom with Walker.’

Amara’s heartbeat quickens. She remains silent, waiting for the next blow.

‘Yeah, I’ve seen you two. I’d never seen him like that. Known him forever, too. That idiot Kiara tried to throw herself at him ten years ago and he pushed her away, but you…he’s into you. Now I get it, he’s insufferable but hot in his own way. And angry. He’s gotta be good in bed.’

Amara smiles and turns to look at Olivia. She can’t believe she just said that. Maybe she’s more Tyrion than Arya after all.

Olivia adds ‘But if you want him, why compete for Liam? You clearly don’t care. If you want to stick around, you need to be a better actress.’

‘Wouldn’t it be in your best interest to get rid of me then? If you want him so badly.’

She smirks. ‘And what’s the fun in that?’

Amara chugs the rest of her drink, and pours herself another. Olivia finally turns around, looking at her. Her green eyes almost burn Amara’s skin with their intensity. ‘Seriously. Everyone here is weak. Like that little sheepish person you surround yourself with. Weak.’

‘Hana’s not weak,’ she says defensively. ‘She’s graceful and considerate. She doesn’t go around asking people why they’re here.’

‘Oh please. We’re all thinking it. They’re just too cowardly to ask you upfront.’

‘But you’re not, of course. You’re the great Olivia Nevrakis, so you’re obviously braver than anyone around here, right?’

‘Yep.’

Olivia raises her glass and downs it.

‘Bartender, another.’

Amara rolls her eyes, but complies. Olivia clinks her new glass with Amara’s. They continue drinking in silence for a while, looking out the balcony and taking in the view. Once she’s done with her whiskey sour, Amara puts down her empty glass and says ‘I’m going to bed. Thanks for the company.’

‘Yep. So, you don’t want to tell me what happened to you?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘What broke you? I know broken, Suarez, and you’re broken.’

Amara’s face falls. She can’t argue with that.

‘Was it a boy?’, Olivia asks.

‘Do you really think I’m that basic?’

Olivia chuckles. ‘Ha. No. I was just giving it a try. But I’ll crack you, rookie.’

Amara offers a last, tired smile. ‘Ok, captain. Have a good night.’

*****

Taglist:

@andy-loves-corgis , @drakewalkerwhipped , @drakxwalker , @drakewalkerrosenberg , @drakeswalkers , @drakelover78 , @silviasutton1989 , @jovialyouthmusic , @drakeandcamilleofvaltoria , @mariahschoices , @drakesensworld , @thequeenofcronuts , @notoriouscs

Thank you for your encouragements, everyone! Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist :)