#i cried during yin yoga tonight during our hip opener

[engagedtobefree]

It’s been probably over a year since I posted anything about my personal life on here, aside from a few little one- or two-liner posts. A lot has happened, some of which I will hopefully be posting about soon, but there have been a lot of other things weighing on me lately.

I guess I can continue where I started in therapy yesterday, but didn’t get to finish. I have felt for the past few weeks so sick of so much. I am sick of politics and politicians, first and foremost. I’m sick of living in a country where the child of Narcissus and the devil is running our country. I feel so much anger towards him at times, and then I try to feel myself back in, calm myself, but his complete disdain for anyone other than himself is just so infuriating, and then it fuels my anger even more to see people defending him like he’s some sort of god. It’s disgusting. I’m sick of Biden. I was okay with him as VP but haven’t cared for him at all since he started campaigning. He is just a lesser evil Trump; but evil is still evil. I don’t know if I can bring myself to vote for this man, but then I know if I don’t, we might get Trump for another 4 years, and to me that is much worse. I don’t know what to do. Right now I’ve just put it aside. I have until November to make a decision. Which brings me around to my anger at Bernie. I placed all of my hope in him, as many others did, and he dropped out so soon. I can, to a certain degree, understand why he did it, but he could’ve stayed in the running. He still had a chance. And I’m mad at him for giving up way too soon and leaving us with Biden. He knew he was our only hope, and he dropped the ball.

I’m sick of my mother. Her narcissism also angers me at times. Every conversation we have, every interaction, always revolves around her, and if we aren’t talking about her, she will somehow bring the conversation around to her and her life. It’s predictable and I’m so tired of dealing with it, even more so now being stuck in with her all the time. She goes from being nice one second to tearing me down the next, calling me names, being controlling, gaslighting me, blaming me for anything she can think of. It’s exhausting. I just want a house of my own, but thanks to covid, the housing market is slower than ever. Another frustration. I daydream about living alone again, about not having to emotionally support my emotionally unsupportive mother, about not hearing my name called 50 times a day about something, about not having to deal with someone who is always angry, negative, miserable, and blaming everyone but themselves for how they are.

I am sick of Scott. Something shifted for the better the past several months before lockdown happened, but then of course like everything else, this got flipped upside down. I was reaching out to him almost every day, then once a week, and a majority of the time I was just not well-received. So now it’s been almost 2 weeks and I just can’t bring myself to message him. On top of everything else I’m dealing with, facing the almost constant feeling of rejection day after day was too much, so I stopped putting myself in that situation. He hasn’t reached out and who knows if he will. The only reason we ever talked 99% of the time anyway was because of me initiating it. Normally, I didn’t care too much, but now I do. I’m just tired of being treated like I’m not worth the effort to talk to. I don’t have the energy to deal with it right now and my tolerance for people’s behavior toward me has dropped very, very low. But then, in another sense, I don’t think it’s Scott I’m really sick of. I think of him and can feel the warmth and light immediately, the kind I always get, and I think maybe it’s not him I’m sick of, but the situation, the not knowing, and the way I am perceiving his current behavior toward me. It’s a mixed bag, and I just want to stop carrying the weight of it for a while.

I am very much sick of my IBS. I have been having more flare-ups than usual since I’ve been stuck home, despite taking my usual supplements, drinking peppermint tea daily, and avoiding my known trigger foods as much as I can. I guess it’s my current stress levels and mental health that are probably triggering flare-ups, which is more annoying because those, to me, are harder to control than food. And flare-ups make me so tired, then I don’t have energy to do things I want to be doing. I know that my IBS formed by bacteria from a virus, and in most cases it tends to go away after 6-10 years, but it’s of no consolation to me currently as I am only about 2 ½ years into it and there’s no guarantee my gut will ever return to normal. Recently, I have seen my distorted, bloated belly more than I’ve seen my normal, healthy one. It’s disheartening.

I started my yoga teacher training via zoom, and I guess because of my constant fluctuating mental health, I fell behind on homework. I turned in my first assignment on time, but I need to catch up on readings and practicing teaching. I’m worried about getting hands-on experience too. I know my teacher wants us to have that, but my biggest fear in all of this is that I won’t get it. I am trying to now remember the feeling I got several times that this was the program for me, so I am trying to rewire my brain to remember that this was divinely orchestrated and that it’ll be okay.

But it’s hard. It’s all so fucking hard. And I know there are people dealing with much worse right now, but there are just some wounds I’m dealing with right now and I’m tired of feeling like all I’m doing is pouring salt on them. I see so much, observe so much, I think so much, and all it does is well up inside of me like an overflowing sink, a faucet that is rusted open and won’t shut off. I miss my friends, I miss doing things, I miss going out, I miss having hope, I miss the people I work with, I miss talking to Scott, I miss people I have never even met, I miss the life I am not living, I miss the life I never had. There is so much going on inside of me right now, it is overwhelming. Everything I stated above isn’t even half of it. I don’t know how to put it all into words. I don’t know how to express the simultaneous life and death I am feeling happening at all times. It’s like I can feel every cell within me dying every second and the new ones coming to life at the same moment. That is just the one constant thing I am feeling at all times and it is such a strange feeling to have.

I am trying to look for the silver linings in all of this. For everything, I ask myself questions. What can I learn here? What is this trying to teach me? Is this trying to propel me towards something else? I am trying to make hope from the seemingly hopeless. What can I do? I can throw myself in. Embrace this messiness and ugliness for all it is. Don’t try to make it pretty cuz it isn’t. I can get off my phone. Deletedeletedelete. Stop looking at other people’s lives and look at my own more. Get up earlier. Move more. Let go. Focus on the yoga and the meditation and the breath. Throw myself into the hurt and the healing. Allow it to swallow me whole. Cry. Write. Cry some more. Dance. Shake. Unpeel all the layers. Love. Then love some more.

This overall is such a strange time. I hope that maybe, for me, this is just my cocooning. Maybe I’ll come out alright.