#yesterday I was so so tired so I kind of just existed and listened to music...

[ilyrafe]

𝒉𝒊𝒕𝒎𝒂𝒏 ✧ 𝒓. 𝒄. | 𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒐𝒏𝒆

pairing: hitman!rafe cameron x f!reader

warnings: domestic violence, murder

word count: 1k

a/n: this is loosely based on the movie hit man (actually based on a scene lol)

EDIT: nov 18th 2024 - literally just realized i started writing this in third person and for some reason i changed it to second person in the middle so i edited it to third person again, my apologies!!!

taglist: @starkeyvhs

unpretentiously, rafe enters the diner and sits at a table, facing the entrance, just so he can see who comes and goes. the young waitress takes his order - a cheeseburger with fries and a soda - and he waits.

strangely, he couldn’t find any pictures of y/n, the woman who contacted him. all he knew about her was her name, really. she only said the clothes she would be wearing - a pair of jeans and a large gray sweater, but anyone could be wearing that. she didn’t inform him about her physicality, and he couldn’t find anything about her online, which intrigued him a lot more.

she isn’t his first female client, but it’s still rare for him to have women wanting his services. 

his order comes and he keeps watching the entrance of the diner. all kinds of people come and go, young and older men, children, teenagers, and even some women, but none of them approach him.

when he’s taking the last sip of his soda, he sees a young looking woman walking towards him. she looks around, clearly nervous. she sits in front of him and rafe realizes it’s her.

“i contacted you yesterday.” she says, almost whispering.

she is visibly tense, probably her first time talking to a hitman.

“how can i help you, y/n?”

she sighs, contrasting with his own posture. she looks tired, the bags under her eyes are quite dark. her hair is lifeless, quite messy, as if she didn’t really have time to brush it or didn’t care to do it. her clothes aren’t new, and he notices a tiny stain that could be blood, but he’s not sure.

before she can say anything, she reaches for her bag and takes out a dark yellow package and slides it to him.

the cash.

“i need you to kill my husband.”

he could be wrong, but rafe is pretty sure there are tiny tears forming in her eyes. they look scared, devoid of any light or hope. to be honest, this woman is just existing.

“why?”

that seems to catch her by surprise. he doesn’t like the way she’s doing everything she can to look invisible. literally no one has noticed her presence there. the waitress hasn’t even come here to take her order.

“he… he’s awful.” she admits. “i don’t know what else to do. he won’t let me leave him. he… he gets drunk and then he…” she trails off, wiping away a few tears. “anything can set him off and i��m scared for my life. the police won’t do anything…”

the friction between the sleeve and the table causes the skin on her wrist to be exposed and he sees purple marks. if her wrist is that bad, he can’t even imagine the rest of her body.

rafe takes the cash in his hands and after two seconds of thought, he gives it back to her.

“do you have children?” she shakes her head. “then take this money and don’t go back home. go away and don’t look back. start over somewhere far away from here.”

“no, he’ll find me!”

the panic in her voice pains him so much.

“don’t worry about it. i’ll take care of him, but i need you to do what i say.”

“i don’t understand…”

“i don’t want your money. just give me a picture of him and his home address.”

after a few long seconds, she nods and takes a piece of torn photo, a piece of paper, and a pen from her purse. she writes down her home address and hands it over along with the picture of her husband.

she takes back the money and put it back in her purse. it’s all her life savings. the money she had to hide from her husband, so he wouldn’t spend on alcohol and drugs. rafe puts the items in his pocket and watches her leave the diner, hoping to god she listens to him and goes away. 

(...)

in his car, rafe watches the movement on the street outside her house.

ever since he left the diner, he has been monitoring her husband’s steps, and since then, he has not seen her coming home. hopefully she really did leave this place for good. 

rafe doesn’t know what possessed him to help her, he has never worked for free, and money is perhaps the most important thing in his life, but after seeing y/n, and understanding that hiring a hitman may have been her last option, he just wanted to do a good deed, since his job is only to kill people in exchange for money.

it is already dawn, two in the morning to be exact. all the neighbors seem to be asleep. when he is sure that he can act, rafe gets out of the car properly dressed for the killing - gloves, mask and a gun.

upon reaching the back door of the house, rafe notices that the door is unlocked, as are the windows.

strange.

prepared for any kind of situation, he enters the house silently. it is dark, so he turns on the kitchen light, and finds himself in a simple but messy kitchen, with food scraps in the sink. there are empty bottles of whiskey and beer everywhere, trash all over the place. just ahead, in the living room, lying on the floor, there is joshua, her husband, apparently passed out.

this will be easier than expected.

before doing anything to joshua, rafe searches their bedroom and sees that the closet is open and empty. well, there are just a few men’s clothes. all of her clothes are gone. y/n really is gone. she did go back home, but she's gone, and that’s what really matters.

a sense of relief washes over rafe, and it’s inexplicable. it’s like he really feels like he saved a life.

thinking about faking a suicide, he searches for a gun, and luckily finds one in the bathroom. after checking for ammo, he carefully places the gun in joshua’s hand and brings it to his temple. with his finger, he pulls the trigger.

let me know your thoughts & if you want to be tagged :)))

[inkskinned]

sky is blue and i love robins and my emailbox is full and i love making things for my friends and the ground is frozen and it hasn't snowed this winter which means it'll be a drought this summer again. sky is blue and yesterday i saw a proposal happen on top of a mountain while walking my dog and listening to a dnd podcast and i wasn't lonely i was just kind of awkwardly worried i was ruining the moment and later i spent 4 hours on the floor making a stupid little project.

can i be okay for real this time. can it last. can the horror and the anxiety and the great vast numb horizon all silence themselves and stand like statues at the edge of my soul, only a memory of these things that used to be so powerful. i want to spend the rest of my life in a meadow. i want to spend the rest of my life in a tea party. i want the rest of my life to only lapse in quiet waves instead of the slow advance of acid pools.

sky is blue and i've spent the last year in a hole. i completely burned through 2022. sky is blue and i couldn't look at the moon for months before this week, i was too ashamed for her to see. last year around this time i told my therapist i'm lost i'm lost i'm lost i'm drowning and before i stopped and said - sorry for the hysterics like my dissolving was only a performance. sky is blue and i am still afraid of rabbits and i am still living in a hole with broken glass and ants and it is still winter and i am still so tired and yet! and yet!

can i be okay? can i finally make my way out of this. it doesn't have to be perfect, i don't need that, i'm okay if it means a little work, i guess. it would just be nice for it to exist.

sky is blue. i keep waiting to hear the bird in my chest.

[statementlou]

my post yesterday about why I don't really care if Louis Tomlinson supports starbucks shocked me by actually circulating and getting notes and obviously I like validation and appreciation.... but I feel kind of weird about my big contribution to the topic being something that might come off as discouraging attempts to help Palestine. Feeling powerless in the face of such injustice is horrible and scary and traumatizing and while there are certain things that I do not think make much difference (like boycotting irrelevant targets), that's NOT how I feel about the situation in general! We CAN make a difference and help the Palestinian people! It can feel impossible to fight against all that power and propaganda and military might- but it has been done successfully over and over, colonialism has been destroyed in one place after another a hundred times in the last century, apartheid regimes have fallen, occupations have ended, because over and over, always, even all the military might in the literal world is less powerful than a united front of the PEOPLE. As Ursula K LeGuin said, "We live in capitalism. Its power seems inescapable. So did the divine right of kings. Any human power can be resisted and changed by human beings", and as Louis Tomlinson said "The power and magic comes from the people, you guys. Don't undermine your role in all of this" and "get off the 'gram and into the streets"!

Under the cut are things you can do that I believe actually directly impact the Palestinian people and the Israeli government, including some easy ones, and the key to a successful movement is to have every type of contribution, to have NUMBERS. However- it is also necessary to have people willing to do the actual work of fighting injustice, not just changing their consumer habits or yelling at people online. I strongly encourage people to explore becoming physically involved in activist work, and not to see it as yet another tiring obligation but rather as a way to help yourself feel less overwhelmed and exhausted. Feeling powerless and defenseless is a trauma that follows us into every corner of our lives, but standing up and working for change can not only save lives, but is good for your own mental health as well, I promise.

I can't make you an exhaustive list of resources, only tell you some tactics that I believe are actually useful. I'm not an expert or whatever, but I have been actively involved in social justice advocacy, activism, and direct action for over 20 years and am drawing on that history of both things that worked and were great and things that were not from my personal experiences. Thank you to @captainrayzizuniverse for helping me (but she didn't see the post any stupid things said by mistake are entirely on me), and especially for pointing out a big (typical white person) slip up, which was to almost forget the very first item on this list: Listen to, support, and amplify Palestinian voices!!! The whole starbucks issue wouldn't even exist if people just went by this single important guideline and did the things Palestinians were asking for rather than making up other things to do instead. In life altogether, and speaking as a disabled person god does this come up a lot: if you want to help someone, start by asking them what they need and then do that even if it isn't what you think they should want. Don't fucking wing it!! Join local groups organizing for Palestine: the people united are powerful, but only if they are united and working in large groups! Join a group! This is hard because... how? who? And I can't answer that for everyone but I can tell you that in the US JVP (Jewish Voice for Peace) is doing a huge amount of very accessible recruiting, you can just join (you don't need to be Jewish) and get involved straightaway in the great actions they're putting on. PYM (Palestinian Youth Movement) is not open to everyone to join but you should definitely follow them on SM to keep up on actions and maybe find ways to support. If you're a student I bet there is some kind of group at your school?

Go to protests: protest works, period. The general politician rule of thumb is that anyone who bothers to actually go out and march represents 10-100 voters. When they look at the numbers (like- '500-1000 people protested the most recent bill you signed') they do this math and they worry. But also honestly if it's something you can manage- it's good for you. It helps. Even if you just go alone and don't talk to anyone, being in a crowd of hundreds of people feeling the same things you are, caring as much as you do, it helps. If you can, yell along to the chants as loud as you can. Get fired up and use that energy to keep going and not despair!

Call and write officials: if you live in the US or UK this is HUGE. What I said above about how they count people at protests as standing for more people who didn't bother but agree? Same with phone calls for sure, it REALLY pressures them. Many orgs make this really easy- I get emails all the time with links to send a letter in a single click or click to call and all you have to do is read the script, get on some lists I guess? But many sites also have this feature, JVP does for example

Support BDS: the Palestinian led BDS have been doing the work of isolating and chipping away at Israel for 19 years and like I said, the actions of the masses only work if we are united behind a few strategic targets rather than all over the place; they have made this possible. It's good to avoid buying from the companies they target; even better to work on the big divestment campaigns. For example, student groups pressuring the big universities to divest from BDS targets echo the successful University divestment efforts that helped end apartheid in South Africa.

Send money: money helps, immediately and concretely, and again if we are many, each person doesn't have to do a lot. Do what you can spare, it all adds up. This has been painful with Gaza for sure, with millions donating but aid being blocked. I don't have The Answer but here's a group I found that actually seems to be getting aid in, and here's a spread sheet of gofundmes- note that people who have foreign passports do not have to pay the horrible border crossing fees, so you may wish to focus on funding those who don't have that privilege. this could maybe be better and there was some other stuff I wanted to say about doing activism to tie up the "activism as self care" thing from above and also bringing it back around to talk about Louis more but I'm tired and I'm hungry right now and this is a lot already. So. Bye lol sorry. send me asks if any of that is something you care about or want to hear

[lovvecherrymotion]

okay very brief munich gig report (mostly under the cut) i probably am forgetting 90% of stuff but let's goooo:

i got EE and i was there by 10 am? i was number 39 and i was pretty okay with this. i did end up getting a really good spot anyway

munich queue 💜💜 i mean, i've already made a post about meeting all of you, but it was truly lovely. i got so many gifts and bracelets! this fandom is full of talented, kind people

the soundcheck was ngvot (every single time i've been to a show i've heard ngvot at some point lol) and vem da greš, both of which i really enjoyed

I GOT TO GIVE NACE MY GIFTS!! like i don't even think he heard what i said BUT THEY'RE WITH THEM. FINALLY. i can be at peace now lol

i really enjoyed both Sector 5 and JC Stewart! they were both pretty good openers! i hadn't heard any of their music before, but i still had fun

WE STARTED WITH KATRINA WHICH I WAS SUPER HAPPY ABOUT

AND I GOT BELE SANJEEEEEE. and bojan said we nailed it the first time which had me like "duh, ofc, i'm here????" I WOULD NEVER FUCK UP MY BELOVED BELE SANJE

we got both Šta bih ja & Schlager. i really really really wanted Bluza so hopefully in london 🤞 i enjoy Schlager more that i've listened to it live lol (and jance were very cute during this song)

on the topic of jance, everyone was mentioning the nacekris was strong last night but as someone who was right in front of jance and barely got to see the others honestly it was kinda hard for me lmao i didn't get those vibes at all. i was so shocked opening tumblr hahahaha. jance were super sweet and smiley and 🥺💕 a solid 95% of what i captured was them and i can assure you they were both very soft and happy

no pijano :((( but he did help bojan at the start of EW and it was very sweet, i love them so much

bojan spit on me. better said, he spit on jan but i was, well, right in front of him, so i got it too lmfao

during the UM bojan was also right in front of me because a little girl got to sing with him (and even went on stage!!!!) and then a super sweet 15yo girl who had her birthday yesterday also got to sing UM - i was next to both of them so i saw bojan VERY WELL. he didn't actually go into the crowd this time

during novi val i made a finger heart at nace AND HE SMILED AND DID ONE BACK AT ME. i know it was for me because everyone got the half hearts lmfao (and then @flananjan told me you could see the heart in a story they posted on their insta and i almost died on the subway back to the hotel)

at some point (i can't remember before which song but i'll probably figure it out when i look at the photos) i put my portuguese flag on stage and jan picked it up 🥺🥺 he then asked me in the softest fucking voice "Portugal?" and i was able to say two entire words to him "yes, Portugal" AND I DIDN'T EVEN DIE ON THE SPOT. he then placed it down and like idk i just!!!! jan knows i exist and i'm portuguese BYE

and when i thought the night just couldn't... well, get any better, JAN GAVE ME HIS PICK. his hand was warm and like way softer than i expected??? this is now my most prized possession. i literally CANNOT believe jan peteh himself gave this to me

the boys didn't come out at the end because they were tired, apparently??? but i was still very happy about all of this. i'm now way less stressed for london (because i won't be carrying around a bag full of stuff for them omgggg) and manifesting i get to meet them then 🙏

munich, thank you for having me 💜💜💜 i can't wait to come back

[romanreignseater]

Time Alone.

Jey Uso x Reader

Rating: 18 +

Warning: Smut & a slight mention of a stomach bulge.

“Time was something that didn’t even seem to exist to you. But, your husband Jey does sure know how to have a fun time.”

A/N: I just had to write a little something for my Main Event Jey Uso, and after seeing his Instagram story this past week… It was my destiny 😭😭. I did say that I would release this yesterday, so let’s just consider this a little Valentine’s Day piece.

GIF: @rebecca-quin

Being a business owner of your own makeup brand, Zeta Cosmetics, and being a full time mother to four kids was really tough. Even though your husband Jey, was a big time help and support system, it was still super difficult to balance everything. And you’re blessed to have such smart and active children, but you’re starting to think they’re a little too active.

The fact that three of your children had different after school activities, was a WHOLE struggle in itself. Your oldest daughter, did humanitarian volunteer work for an hour after school, then softball practice every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. NOT to mention, she just got her first job, and guess who has to take her to work? Yup… it’s me. Then, your first son, wants to be an all sport MVP, cause he just plays every single sport there is. So, his practices are just all over the place. Your second daughter is a cheerleader for her brothers football team and has weekly cheer competitions. The hair, the makeup, the uniforms, and that monthly fee… She’s lucky she looks absolutely adorable with that little bow on her head. And your last child, which is your son, is only 10 months old. So, he’s basically the Pomeranian that you keep in your purse DAILY.

Kids are such wonders, but mama needs a break sometimes.

“Hey baby”, your husband Jey said smiling through the phone. “I miss you so much. Why did you have to leave me this week for your crazy ass twin?!” You said chuckling.

“Put some respect on my name sis.” Said the crazy ass twin himself, Jimmy. “I ain’t gotta do a damn thing, you took my man from me”, “He was mine first anyway”. Jimmy said sticking his tongue out at you. “Okay, okay, let’s not fight.” Jey said sternly. “But, listen baby I know how tired you are, and I wanna make sure my lady good. So, pack a little overnight bag, the jet is gonna be ready in about four hours.” “What are you up to boy?…” You said smirking slightly.

“Don’t worry about it, you know I got you girl.” Jey said showing that blazing smile. “Okay, but what kind of clothes am I supposed to be wearing sir?!” “Well, I was hoping you’d be wearing nothing. But, it’s somewhere a little tropical, so I guess that gives you the chance to just to what it do”. “Can you not talk about Y/N being naked, I think I’m gonna throw up”, said his goofy older brother. “I know you not talking Jimmy. Don’t let me get Trin on that ass.” “Y’all just stupid”, Jey said giving a breathless laugh.

“But, I’ll see you later tonight, alright baby.” “Wait… what about the kids?!” “I’m WAYYYY ahead of you. I got my mom and pops on that.” Thank god he had that sorted out, even though it’s gonna be a little hard to leave my babies, we could use some time alone. “I’ll see you tonight.” “See you tonight”. ~FaceTime ends.~

5 hours later

Jey is the best you could ever ask for. After packing your overnight bag, and saying bye to the kids. It was you and the love of your life… forever. He took you to a quick day and a half trip to Cuba. The villa you guys were staying at was absolutely gorgeous and the workers were radiantly exceptional. “This is so beautiful baby.” You said blushing. “I’m glad you like it, you know the Tribal Chief knows all the vacation hot spots.” “He damn sure does. But… he never stayed in this specific room. Right?!” Jey looked at you and said, “I’m pretty sure they have multiple honeymoon suites.” “Thank god, cause you don’t know what that man does.” You said barely being able to hold in your laughter. Jey laughed along with you.

Since the trip was pretty short, you guys had to make the most of it. By sleeping first, since there was no time difference and it was late at night. But, by tomorrow you guys would be up and at em’.

Soon the morning came and the workers at the villa surprised us with a lovely breakfast. Following us taking showers and getting ready, it was time for the tour. The tour guides showed us around the city and as we were on the tour, we jumped straight into every single activity there is to do. Snorkeling, scuba diving, and surfing. Even though I don’t smoke, cigars are something that are widely used in Cuba. So, one puff wouldn’t hurt. After our morning and afternoon endeavors, we stopped by La Guarida in Havana for a lovely dinner at the top floor of the restaurant. He is more than you could ever ask for.

Jey always seemed to have a tough exterior, but he was a huge softie for anything romantic. We later arrived back at our villa and where a trail of rose petals and sensuous candles led into the bedroom. “Now… what is this Joshua?!” You said turning to him with a sly smirk on your face.

“Its some time alone that you deserve”.

As we have both known from experience… we had to blow out all of the candles first. Jey then took my waist into his hands and held me tight. As if he didn’t want to let go. We started to make out with one another, our tongues fighting for dominance, and Jey winning the battle. He gently laid me on top of the comfort heart shaped bed and pulled the zipper of my short bodycon dress down. Jey started to my massage my breasts as if he were yearning for them. I slid the rest of my dress down my body, as Jey continued his assault on my breasts. “Mmmm…-, it feels so good baby”. I moaned to my husband as he said, “Imma make you feel something real good.”

He quickly removed my panties and flipped me over to all fours. Jey pushed his hand into the middle of my back to get me to arch. “That’s just how I like it baby, stay like that”. I then heard him pulling off his shirt and unbuckling his belt from his slacks. His pants made a thud onto the white marbled tiled floor and the bed plummets down as he arrived on top of it. “Aaaaa- oooHhh my goddd”. I moaned loudly as Jey dove right into my wetness. His tongue basically playing mind games on me. It felt like I didn’t know where I was.

“Shit tastes so fucking good mama, I could eat it all day if I could.” His words of appreciation make me gush out even more. The intimacy levels were through the roof as he paused his eating to finally give me what I’ve been wanting.

He entered me so smoothly, as my cunt was slick. “Damn baby, it’s like a waterfall up in here. That’s what I do to you… huh?!” Jey said. “Yes baby that’s what you do to me, now please fuck me.” “My pleasure.” Jey said as he started to profoundly pound into my hot sex. My moans couldn’t stop, the pleasure was just too much. “uhh-huh—hhhh”, my moans started filling the room. Jey started to pull on my hair and spank me repeatedly. “You like that shit.. huh?!” He said. “Ye-ssss, I love ii-ttt, give me more”. And Jey did as you wished. It felt as if he was in your stomach, as that thought crossed your mind. Jey put his hand onto your stomach and said, “You feel that baby, I’m in your stomach.” You took your hand from the sheets and placed in onto your stomach.

He really was in my stomach

I felt his cock bulge into my stomach and my eyes rolled back. Jey continues to give it to me and I felt my climax reaching its point. “Baby, I’m gonna cum.” “Go ahead baby, I’m there with you”. Jey said as his thrust became sloppy and grunts lowered. We both reached our peaks at the same time. I lied flat on the bed and Jey right beside me. “That was so good baby, we gotta do it like that every time”. Jey said with his forearm over his face. “But, we need more time alone before that.”

“You know I got you on that baby.” Said Jey smiling at you.

Just some more time alone.

THE END.

Let me know what you guys think about this and if I should write for more members of the Bloodline. Maybe even for other superstars

[kalofi]

zl fic idea

hii everyone i wrote something yesterday about an au idea i had for zolu and. i thought i'd share it here since its a bit too messy and disjointed in places to post on like. ao3 or something.

4.7k words, warning for temporary major character death but do not worry all will be fixed in due time. i'll put the rest under the cut

ok i have an idea for an au thats like kind of reincarnation but like reality displacement but like. okay just listen.

so we start at laughtale. its a couple years into the future from where we are in canon the strawhats are achieving their dreams luffy is about to find the one piece theres a big battle happening between them and the blackbeard pirates and whoever the fuck else is there idc. the rest of the strawhats are fighting the bb crew while luffy and zoro head off to find the one piece and also end up fighting black beard himself. luffy and zoro atp r like basically a thing but they never talk about it cuz theyre luffy and zoro and they kind of just exist with each other but like. theyre basically in love and everyone knows it. anyway they go off together luffy has the one piece almost in his grasp blackbeard attacks they fight its a big battle blood is shed bones are broken uumm in my mind luffy and zoro are like teaming up against bb bc his devil fruit is lowk broken and op and like ok theres gear5 too but i didnt rly consider that so lets just assume bb’s devil fruit can negate gear5 somehow or luffy exhausts it before bb is fully defeated. 

finally theyre able to knock bb down and hes out and theyre both tired and worn but they DID IT and the one piece is luffys and theyre facing each other grinning ear to ear and zoros saying “you ready, king of the pirates?” and luffy laughs and goes “not just yet zoro, i still gotta-“ and then theres a spear piercing right through his chest. and in the next moment its gone. 

theres a gaping hole through his captain and theres blood, theres so much blood and luffy’s still smiling like he hasnt realized it yet, like it hasnt even registered. zoros ears are ringing and he doesnt know what to make of whats hes seeing because its just not real, it CANT be. 

he looks over luffy’s shoulder and blackbeard is on the ground with his hand outstretched , black energy coiling back into his form and he’s laughing and laughing with bloodstained teeth. hes fucking laughing. one moment zoro is still standing parallel to luffy and the next hes in front of blackbeard and the mans head is rolling through the dirt and gravel, wado dripping crimson, a terrible gap toothed grin still stretching the man’s cheeks. 

zoro is breathing heavy, hes trembling and hes almost mesmerized by the blood pooling around a lacerated neck— then he’s remembering luffy and turning around and calling his name and he can see right through him theres a HOLE right through him and he chokes and stumbles and rushes to his side right as luffy starts to crumple to the floor . catches him and lowers him gently and doesnt know what to say. 

hes still shaking but cant move his mouth and everything is muffled, the sounds from the battle outside are distant and they dont matter but what does he do. what does he do. 

he snaps out of it when luffy gently calls his name. a strong “zoro,” like hes not fazed at all. like there isnt blood soaking into zoros clothes. 

his brain kickstarts and he’s speaking. saying things like “youre ok you’ll be ok” and “choppers right outside i’ll just call him and he’ll fix you right up” and “you always bounce back, right captain?” and hes thinking “dont die please dont fucking die. not now, not when we’re this close please dont fucking die” and hes silently praying to all the gods he doesnt believe in but luffy calls his name again and his mouth clicks shut. luffys saying it’ll be fine, that he had fun. that hes proud to have made it this far with all of them. and those sound a lot like parting words so zoro’s shaking his head no but luffy is still smiling. hes saying that hes glad he had zoro, that he made him happy. hes saying to tell everyone he’s glad they met, that hes glad they all had each other, that he knows theyll be just fine . 

zoro wants to say that luffy should tell that to them himself, when hes wrapped up and recovering and alive but his mouth is glued shut again and he feels that interrupting luffy now would be cursing him to death, like his words are the only thing keeping him tethered here, he just needs to get him to keep talking to stay awake. 

he tries to smile but it comes out ugly and wrong and he feels his lip wobble so he drops it. he settles on rubbing his thumb on luffys shoulder. something to keep him here. 

so he rubs and luffy talks little things until he cant anymore. until his eyes grow dull and his skin loses its warmth and still zoro rubs and he rubs.

—

thats how law finds them. zoro hunched over a body that should never be as still as it is. and its really no surprise hes there, hes been gunning for the one piece since the time he could captain a ship (or a submarine) but it all feels so wrong. 

zoro either doesnt notice him or doesnt care, but either way the man doesnt acknowledge law until he’s right behind him. its not like law can say anything to announce himself either, not after seeing the state of the body that zoros currently holding. the body that used to be luffy’s. hes still processing it all when the other man(the one whos alive) finally speaks. 

zoro asks if hes got a devil fruit. less of a question and more of a statement, but he should know anyway since theyve spent considerable time together and hes literally seen him use it. law cant unstick his jaw so he hums in affirmation. “and you can switch stuffs’ places?” another hum. “what about time.” 

that makes law pause. “what?” his voice comes out stronger than he feels. 

“what about time? can you switch things in time?” by this point law has awakened his devil fruit or some shit dont sweat the logistics but hes never tried anything of that sort so he kind of stumbles “im not- maybe? ive never attempted-“ zoro interrupts “send me back” 

“what?” 

“send me back so i can fix this. you can do that, right.” it clicks. law would pity zoro if he didnt know any better, instead he just feels mounting despair and resignation. 

he may not be crew, but he knew luffy too, he was allied with the man for fucks sake, and this just feels- wrong. he sighs, a tired, heavy thing. 

“what about your crew?” its useless. zoros as stubborn as his captain, with arguably a handful more screws loose. “it wont matter. they’ll never know because i’ll make sure this doesnt happen.” he still hasnt turned around. law doesnt know what expression hes making and hes sure he never wants to find out. 

hes ready to deny it, cut his losses and head for the one piece himself (hes not heartless, but if he stands here any longer and has to look at. well. he think he might never be able to move again) but then he really thinks about it. could he? would it even be possible? surely this isnt the way things were supposed to go, surely this isnt right. luffys never been one who was supposed to die just like that, like this, law knows that much. he thinks hes going to regret this, but he counts it as one last thank you for everything luffy did for him. 

youre gonna owe me big time strawhat-ya. if i even remember this, that is. 

he puffs a breath “i can try. i cant- promise anything but. i think we both know this,” he makes a vague, weak gesture, “isnt right.” 

zoro doesnt say anything, law didnt expect him to. he just bows his head slightly and law takes that as the acknowledgment it is. 

he brings his hand up, “dont do anything stupid, zoro-ya. or, at least, make it stupid enough to bring him back.” 

he positions his fingers in way so familiar, but the weight of it now is nearly unbearable.

room.

shambles

—

zoro’s world shatters, differently than before, and then theres nothing.

—

he wakes up in bed, bleary eyed and a pounding headache assaulting his senses. his alarm clock is going off which only adds to the drumbeat against his eyes. he grumbles and whacks around aimlessly to shut it off. the silence lasts a moment before his eyes fly open and he jolts up, sheets pooling around his waist. luffy. where was he? where was zoro? did the crew find him and take him back to the ship? did law fail? but this didnt look like chopper’s office.

he looks around to find hes in a room hes never seen before in his life, yet he instinctively knows is his. it all feels so wrong, like he doesnt belong in his own skin. he scratches lightly at his arm. he needs to go to work. 

work?

what the fuck is happening. 

its like his mind is at war with itself, one truth trying to dominate over the other. he trained at sensei’s dojo. he aged out of foster care. he was a swordsman, he was the first mate of the strawhat pirates. he didnt go to college, hes working construction. he made a promise, and kuina died. kuina…died. huh. his captain, his luffy, someone he knew so intimately and who knew him in turn. hes never met someone with that name his entire life. he needs to go to work, he needs to find his crew. 

he doesn’t understand what the fuck is happening. 

without his permission his legs stand him right up and he moves confusedly, surely, to the bathroom he didnt know he had. his reflection stares back at him in the mirror and its him, of course it is, he doesnt know why he expected someone else, but hes also…different. he has both function of his eyes, first of all. a scar in the same place as before but its light and healed over and doesnt seem to have blinded him like it once did. his hair is green, sure, but black roots peek out from underneath the familiar shade. hes grown stubble, he should shave. he needs to go to work. 

hes so confused, but his body moves like its been doing this its whole life. as far as zoro knows, it has. 

he continues getting ready, mind still at odds, and makes himself a cup of coffee (in his own kitchen. his own kitchen? the state of it leaves less to be desired. sanji would surely skin him alive) before tucking into his shoes, grabbing his wallet and keys and heading out the door. he seems to live in a single room apartment, and a crummy one at that. his legs move him faster, he has to go to work, he cant be late again (again?).

his car is parked outside the building, he has no fucking clue what it is but he unlocks it all the same and settles in. he feels like he shouldnt be operating this sort of machinery. franky would know better than him how it must work. he starts it up and backs out. trusting his gut to get him where he needs to be. he should be more concerned, he should be frantic and inconsolable, his captain was dead in his arms and now hes? what? going to lay some bricks or some shit? but he finds that part of him dulled in favor of following whatever mundanity this body is pushing him towards. 

uumm whatever whatever he arrives at work eventually i dont know how construction jobs work are there offices or something. idc thats not the point. johnny and yosaku are there and zoro is surprised to see them since, as far as he knows, the last time they were with each other was at arlong park which was years ago for him. but the two greet him like this is a daily occurence, like theyve been working together for years. and zoro thinks, knows, they must have. but this is good, this is great fucking news actually because until now theres been no confirmation if zoro was here alone (wherever “here” is) but now his proof is right in front of him because if johnny and yosaku are here, and they exist the same as from before, then that must mean everyone else is here too right? he clings onto this hope with both hands trembling. 

nami, usopp, the cook and chopper and robin and franky, brook, jinbe and fuck. fuck, luffy. theyve got to be here somewhere, zoro just has to find them. hes not sure if they remember things like he does but hes got to try because they are his as much as he has always been theirs and they should all exist together as it has always been. 

so then yeah he finishes his shift because its what hes ‘supposed’ to do but he doesnt go home. he drives around aimlessly before pulling into a random lot and pulling out his phone (theres no snail attached to it. weird.) he doesnt even know where to begin. hes not usually the one coming up with plans, he just goes where theres blood need to be shed. but no one seems to be in any danger here except for maybe himself, and its not like he has his swords anyway- shit. fuck did he still have wado? he must have right? he knows there was a kuina that existed here too, he knows because he remembers. and she, well she wasnt around anymore so he must have wado. he must. with shaking fingers he pushes that aside for now, though barely. he needs to find luffy, but he wouldnt even know where to start. luffy could probably find the rest of their crew by simply wandering around and happening upon them, thats how he did it before. but zoro has no idea where he’d be, he doesnt even know where he is. nami or robin would be a good bet to at least form a plan, but he wouldnt know how to find them either. 

is there even a coco village here? would robin still be part of baroque works? he needs someone who has a defined location that he could google or something (what the hell is google?). usopp would be at syrup village right? shit. is there even a drum island? these are all too broad, he needs something specific. specific…..a place with an identifiable name, somewhere smaller that would be easier to stake out…

a lightbulb goes off. 

fucking shit he thinks. of course. of fucking course it would come down to the cook. 

he types in “baratie” to his maps and a location pops up, just 27 minutes from where he is now. he hasnt eaten yet either, so he figures thats killing two birds with one stone. he taps the address, backs out of the lot and drives. 

(if it takes him nearly an hour to get there thats nobodys business but his own)

he pulls up to the building about a quarter after 7. it seems packed enough already, but if memory serves him right then that was just par for the course for baratie. he parks, gets out and locks his car, then shoves his hands in his pocket and resigns himself to another oncoming migraine hes sure to get upon interacting with the man hes certain is waiting somewhere inside. 

the tables are full, the host tells him, he slips a 20 from his wallet and suddenly (of course) theyre more than willing to serve him. 

he gets settled in a far and somewhat isolated booth and a waiter comes up to him, but he cuts the man off as hes introducing himself and says “you got a blonde working here? stupid ass side part with a weird eyebrow? goes by sanji” the waiter looks shocked and put off by his rudeness but quickly collects himself and says “we might. depends on whos asking” zoro snorts “just tell him hes got someone who wants to talk to him,” he cringes at this next part, tries to smile but knows it comes off as a sneer. hes not sure if he still has conquerors haki wherever he happens to be now, but he tries to channel that energy the same way he would if he were in battle and says “tell him im a fan.” the waiters eyes widen, in fear or surprise zoros not sure (most likely a mix of both) before he nods and scurries across the floor, weaving in between patrons and coworkers alike until he disappears behind the double doors to the kitchen. 

zoro sits with his arms crossed and skims through the menu out of boredom and impatience. its a couple minutes before he sees a familiar head of blonde hair emerge from across the way. a smile climbs onto his face despite himself. sure, the guy annoyed him to hell and back and their…friendship (if you could really call it that) was a tumultuous one, but it was good to see someone familiar nonetheless. he schools his expression before the blonde can spot him. a few moments pass before hes standing right in front of zoro, his stupid suit primped and pressed as always, and a cautious look on his face. 

“you asked for me?” his tone is the one he only reserves for men who he deems not worth his time. zoro grits his teeth but says “yeah, theres something ive gotta discuss with you.” 

hes never been one for tact, forever blunt unlike his swords. 

sanji quirks a brow “i dont plan on talking about anything with anyone unless theyre a paying customer” zoro feels his eyebrow twitch but grabs his menu nonetheless and points to a random item without looking “i’ll have this then, and whatever booze you got.” sanji leans in to see what hes pointing to before his one visible eye widens and a grin slowly overtakes his previously unaffected face. 

he speaks condescendingly. “wonderful choice sir, coming right up.” before zoro can get another word in he grabs the menu out of his hand, spins on his heel, and marches back to the kitchen. 

zoro clenches his fists and does his best not to grind his teeth into a fine dust. no matter where they are or what displacement in time the fucking curly brow never fails to be absolutely insufferable. at least this way though, zoro knows its him for real. 

its another 20 minutes before the shit cook reemerges from the back with a platter and a mug in his hand. he steps up to zoros table and places the plate and cup down in front of him with a smug look. zoro has no idea what the fuck hes looking at on his plate. he doesnt have time to question it before sanji plops down in the booth seat across from him, disregarding all previous faux-professionale and asking “so what do you want” zoro tears his eyes away from his plate and looks into sanji’s, trying to convey as much emotion, as much urgency as he possibly can. 

“luffy needs us. and we have to find him” whatever the cook was expecting him to say, it definitely wasnt that. the other man regards him more warily now, looking him up and down with a tense frown before replying “i dont know what the hell youre talking about. and i dont appreciate being mocked or having my time wasted” he goes to stand up but zoro grabs his wrist, yanking him back down unceremoniously. 

he blinks before rounding back on zoro, flaring his nostrils in a way zoro knows means hes about to get himself in deep shit “oi, what the fuck do you think youre-“ he doesnt let him finish “im not mocking you. this isnt some stupid prank or whatever youre thinking. and despite how much i would enjoy punching your teeth in right now im not looking for a fight either.” 

the cook still looks affronted but seems to actually be listening. zoro continues “look, i dont know what the fuck is going on. i was at laughtale with you and the others, with luffy, and then i woke up and now im here and i dont know how but this is all wrong. its all wrong but i need to find luffy and fuck, i cant do it alone. i need your help to find him. find everyone.” the blondes eye is wide, but he blinks and its gone. he looks more tired than zoro has ever seen him 

“im not paid enough for this shit. i dont know why i even-“ he looks like hes getting ready to leave again but zoro is desperate at this point so he blurts out whatever he thinks will convince the other man hes not bullshitting.

“we met you here, at the baratie. me and nami and usopp and luffy. luffy busted through one of your walls so your old man punished him by making him wash dishes. i dont, i dont know what luffy said to you, or how he convinced you to join us, but he changed your life like he did mine. we sailed together, and we had each others backs no matter how much we got on each others nerves. you were our cook. i was our swordsman. luffy was our captain and youd do anything to help him, i know you would, same as me. youre a pervert and an asshole and a damn annoyance, but youre strong. i could still kick your ass though” if the cook’s eyebrow could go any higher hes sure itd be clear off his forehead by now. 

“and you- your dream. you wanted to find the all blue.” he stalls there, engine sputtering. zoro doesnt know what else to say, so he snaps his mouth shut. 

the blonde is still gaping at him like a fish, but he mouths the phrase “all blue” like hes been searching for it his whole life, like he always knew but just never had the words. 

he blinks. 

then he blinks again, rapidly. there are tears pooling in his eyes. his mouth flaps for a moment before he seems to finally be able to push out words. 

“you- zoro?” he sounds small. he sounds hopeful. zoro grins. 

“yeah, yeah its me.” sanji stares at him a moment, then looks around, as if hes seeing everything with clear eyes for the very first time. zoro figures he might as well be. 

“holy shit. holy shit.” 

zoro laughs, a rough thing. theres a ball in his throat that he cant seem to dislodge. “nice to have you back, curly brow” sanji’s gaze snaps back to him before he scowls and tries wiping away the tears that are now streaking down his cheeks. its useless though, it seems they cant stop. zoro laughs again at the sorry state of the asshole in front of him, this time more full and genuine. he feels so relieved he doesnt know what to do with himself. 

“yeah yeah, whatever dick head.” sanji grumbles. zoro quiets down, glances away, lets him have his moment. “fuck, mosshead, im still on the clock and you unload all this on me? how the hell am i supposed to finish the rest of my shift?” his words are sharp but he doesnt sound angry at all. in fact, when zoro turns back to look, hes smiling. 

“you remember now though, dont you?” he has to be sure. 

“what does it look like, dumbass? think im tearin’ up cuz of pollen or some shit?” the cook rolls his eye. theyre both silent for a moment, trapped in their own heads, before he speaks up again. “so, what now?” zoro doesnt even have to think before he answers “we find everyone else, obviously.” “well no shit, but how?” zoro glances to the side. “i was hoping youd figure that out” sanji stares before bursting out laughing. zoro scowls and hunches into his shoulders. 

“of course!” sanji cackles “of course your dumbass wouldnt know what to do! you probably just typed in the most recognizable place you could remember and hoped one of us would be there!” zoro doesn’t answer, because yes thats what he fucking did, but it worked didnt it? he doesnt see whats so funny. 

“fuck you.” 

he wants nothing more than to bash that smarmy mouth in, but the familiar egging settles something in his soul. sanji gasps a few breaths before calming down, now wiping tears from his eyes for a completely different reason. 

“alright alright, well lets figure this out then, yeah? we figure out how we got here then we can figure out how to get back right? simple enough” 

zoro nods, “law was-“ he stops. remembers dull eyes and clammy skin and wrong wrong wrong. he shakes his head, “no, no we cant” sanji looks at him confused. 

“we cant go back,” zoro presses, “not until i fix things. i promised i would” the other man seems to pick up on his panic and his mood dampens, becomes more serious. “promised what?” 

zoros never been one to sugarcoat, but now he wishes he could find a way to soften the blow hes about to deal. he inhales, pushes the breath out. says, “luffy died, sanji.” the fact the hes actually using the other mans name seems to fly right over his head in favor of the first part. “what?” zoro huffs, is he really gonna make him say it again? “luffy di-“ sanji interrupts, angry now, fists clenched and whitened from the pressure “i heard what you said. but what do you mean.” 

he doesnt want to have to tell sanji what happened, doesnt want to talk about it at all, wants to slice it up into small enough pieces that it very well may have never existed.

he told law the others wouldn't have to know, that he would make sure of it, but he's realizing now just how unrealistic that is. as much faith as zoro places in his own abilities, he's aware he's only one man.

and, he figures, if there's anyone i can trust enough to share a burden heavy as this with, might as well be the one who's strength i'd count on just as much as my own.

sanji cant help if he doesnt know what went down once they got separated at laughtale, so zoro sets his shoulders, clenches his fists, prepares himself like hes riding into a battle he knows he has no chance of winning—hes the first mate for fucks sake—and resigns himself to filling the other man in on every horrible detail

by the end, the cook looks much the same as zoro feels, pale-faced and shaky. he runs a trembling hand through his hair and clenches his eye shut. “fuck mosshead, thats…” he doesnt bother finishing, and zoro stays silent—already knowing just how much of a shitty situation it is that theyve found themselves in.

—

(btw the reason sanji was so smug about what zoro randomly chose on the menu is bc its one of their most expensive dishes. even upon regaining his memories he still makes zoro pay it cuz hes an asshole like that. business is business 😁)

uuummm i dont feel like detailing the rest basically my idea is that they work together to try and track down all the members as well as law, since hes also a part of this. i dont know how or when or in what order but i do know finding luffy would come last. so yes its zolu but for a majority of it more in spirit than anything. maybe i can throw in some luffy pov of him living with ace and sabo . he knows something is off but cant place his finger on what. he knows something is missing but hes got his brothers with him so what else could he possibly need? etc etc. you get the idea

[endcrman]

Allostasis

(Chapter 2)

As a general rule of thumb, Grian doesn’t do public servers for a multitude of reasons. This one hadn’t even made it onto the list.

TW for implied sexual assault, PTSD symptoms, Self-Neglect, and minor Disordered Eating

Read the whole fic here.

-

Grian woke to more messages. Some from hermits, but he didn't bother looking at those too closely, too preoccupied with the hours-old notification in the universal chat.

samgladiator: griannnnnnn

samgladiator: i know you havent blocked me grian cmon

samgladiator: are you mad about the redstone thingy? i was just goofing and gaffing you know what im like lol

Grian laid his head back against his pillow, eyes closed as he tried to figure out how to respond. His eye hurt. He didn't want to get out of bed. He didn't want to build, he didn't want to fish, he didn't want to work on anything right now. He was tired.

His comm buzzed again.

GoodTimeWithScar: hey grain, how are you doing after yesterday?

Grian: bit tired, but just fine! thanks for checking in

He was tapping out a lie before he could even think about it, not wanting to worry Scar. He had enough to concern himself with even before Grian was involved, he didn't have to add any more stressors to his plate.

Scar said something else, but Grian had closed his messages already, opening Sam's again, staring at them. What was he even supposed to say to that? Call him out on his bullshit? Laugh along with his shitty excuse of a joke? A voice in the back of his head was telling Grian to block him, but that would just make Sam mad, he reasoned.

Grian: what do you want sam

He regretted the message the instant he sent it, flinching as he turned off his comm again. Why was he so stupid? Why couldn't he leave well enough alone?

Grian turned over on his side, pulling a pillow over his head with a groan as the communicator buzzed. If only he hadn't just woken up, then he could fall asleep again and ignore all of this for even longer. 

Of course, Grian had no such luck. Instead he laid there, staring at the blank wall in front of him.

His comm buzzed yet again and Grian let out a bitter laugh, he could almost imagine Sam staring in anticipation at his own comm, waiting for Grian to get back to him after all this time. It was kind of pathetic, if that was what he was doing. How lonely was he?

And yet, Grian was reaching over to read his messages anyways.

samgladiator: i'm sorry.

samgladiator: like for real. no jokes. i know we were really messed up as kids and ive been working on it i promise. i guess i saw you and it just felt like we were kids again. fucked up but still in it together. i didnt mean it

He was still trying to process the words when another message came through, automatically populating the chat.

samgladiator: you can keep ignoring me if you want, i get it :( but if youre ever willing, i wanna make it up to you. text me whenever

He was going to throw up. There were a few panicked moments as he dug through his chests, silently pleading to anyone listening that he actually had a bucket up in his base, not just lost in his chest monster down below. His wishes were answered luckily, however unneeded, as he curled over the metal bucket on the floor, retching and dry heaving. His stomach was already empty, bile burning his throat, but that wasn't enough to curb the ill piercing it's way through his entire being.

Grian wasn't sure how long he sat there, bucket in his lap as his body tried to evacuate his stomach's non-existent contents. He was trembling when he finally managed to stop gagging, the bucket empty aside from a couple stray tears that had made their way down his cheeks. He was so tired again.

Shakily, he set the bucket down on the ground, easily accessible just in case. The sound of metal meeting the wooden floor was so, so loud in his ears, echoing around his base, making him flinch. Grian took a deep breath, carefully getting up on two wobbly legs before rolling into bed again. He should eat. 

He didn't get up, falling asleep again.

-

I'm sorry. Sam might as well have written those words on the inside of Grian's eyelids, as often as he was stuck thinking about them. Sam didn't apologize, that was part of what made him so insufferable to begin with, always convinced that he was in the right. So what the hell was this?

Grian wasn't sure how long it had been since he received those last messages from Sam, not really bothering with the passage of time. He'd spent most of said time thinking, turning over what had happened and what Sam had said in his head, picking at pieces of food he had laying around the base, and making up excuses to not have to see any other hermits.

He knew he was in a sorry state, and he knew he had to pull himself together before anybody saw him. Unfortunately, the universe seemed to have other plans.

“Grian!” Joel's voice was loud, Grian almost didn't recognize it as his own name, directed towards him. He pulled a pillow over his head, squeezing his eyes shut. Maybe if he ignored him, he'd go away.

That was too much to hope for though. Why would Joel ever go away when he could cause problems instead?

“Grian! It's Sunday!” His voice was getting closer, and all Grian could think to do was hold the pillow even tighter over his head. “It's Sunday and you're not at the permit office! Get your butt out here! Or else I'll come in, and drag you out of your birdhouse by your scrawny little ankles, I swear to-'' Joel's voice peaked in both volume and proximity the same time it petered off into uncertainty. Then, it was quieter again. “Grian?”

Grian just groaned in response, holding the pillow even tighter over his head, maybe he could suffocate in it. Then he would respawn, Joel would laugh it off, call him some names for being stupid enough to do something like that, and everything would go back to normal instead of whatever else was about to happen, whatever lecture he was about to receive.

No such luck. Instead he felt a touch on his forearm, something he instinctively rolled away from which left him looking up at the other, wide eyes meeting even wider. He opened his mouth to say something, but couldn’t force anything to come out. He noticed too late to stop just how tightly he was clutching the pillow to his chest, he must look like a mess.

Joel slowly withdrew his hand, and judging by how his brows furrowed and ears flattened against the top of his head the mess part was definitely true. Without wasting another moment, Joel schooled his expression into something more neutral— as if his tail flicking back and forth didn’t give him away— and sat bodily onto the foot of Grian’s bed, bouncing on the mattress.

“You seem busy, the permit office can wait,” he said with a shrug, not looking directly at Grian. He sat cross-legged, pulling his tail into his lap to brush the fur into place, pulling out a leaf and dropping it on the floor without even checking if Grian would care. His wings itched at the reminder of what could be. “Impulse’s wall is starting to get some graffiti on it, have you had a chance to see? Gem’s got a real good tag up there, I think you’d like it.”

Grian was silent, pulling his legs up just a bit so they weren’t in Joel’s way and shifting onto his back to look up at the ceiling instead of the tanuki in front of him. He couldn’t tell if this was better or worse than if the other had just confronted him about what was going on.

“I’ve actually been thinking about what I want to put on it,” Joel continued after a moment, as if the other actually had responded. Grian’s muscles ached from the sudden movements after what felt like days of disuse, leading to him stretching his legs out again, around Joel this time, but he didn’t seem to mind. “I need to put something up over by my base, I couldn’t stand it if it didn’t match my build, even if it was undeniably fantastic.”

He just kept talking, filling the empty air with his voice. Grian wouldn’t admit it, but it was sort of soothing, having somebody else around instead of just jumping from thought to thought, getting lost in them and feeling worse and worse.

It did start feeling awkward after a little, having Joel sit while he laid in bed, so Grian forced himself to sit up even as his muscles protested, at least a little, leaning back against the headboard of his bed.

“Thought you might have fallen asleep or something,” Joel joked once Grian had settled, making him look away in embarrassment. “I wouldn’t have blamed you, you look blummin’ tired, huge bags under your eyes. Something bothering you?” He asked, as if the answer wasn’t obvious. Grian only shrugged, not trusting his voice after so long, thankfully Joel didn’t push for an answer beyond that, coming to the same conclusion. “Stupid question, sorry. New question, when’s the last time you got out of bed?”

Grian must have made a face at that, because Joel laughed before managing to catch himself, snapping his mouth shut, which pulled the quietest huff of laughter out of Grian in turn. Just that by itself made his throat hurt a bit.

“Don’t laugh at me, I’m trying to be a good friend here.” Joel’s tone was light, and his smile made it clear he considered the small noise a success. “Hey, bed boy, let’s get you up and clean, how’s that sound? You go shower, and I’ll make you some real food.”

He wanted to protest, but his throat felt all closed up, and his traitor of a stomach growled at the thought of something other than stale bread for the first time in forever. Instead he pouted, petulant, and held his hands out.

“Yes!” Joel pumped his fist, making Grian roll his eyes. This was so stupid. “Sorry, come on, let’s get you moving again.” He slid off the bed first, taking Grian’s hands and helping him stand up. He almost fell at first, leaning far too much of his weight onto Joel, his legs wanting to do nothing but lay down again. “Careful, can you stand by yourself?”

It took a couple hundred ticks for him to stop swaying, and a couple more for him to finally stand on his own, wings spread just a bit to help him keep balance. He took a deep breath, trying to think of anything but said wings.

“Good job, you’re doing great,” Joel murmured, and it didn’t sound mocking at all, but Grian couldn’t help himself from ruining everything good that happened to him.

“I’m not a child,” he croaked out, voice rough from disuse, it almost didn’t sound like him.

Joel must have thought the same, because he looked shocked, though he quickly gathered himself again. “I know you’re not,” he scolded gently, too kind, “but you look like you’ve been through hell and back, and I want to make this as easy for you as possible."

And now he felt bad, guilty, for ever considering anything different than that. “Sorry,” he managed, even quieter, but Joel shook his head.

“Go get cleaned up, alright? I’ll make some food for you.” He brushed Grian’s hair out of his eyes, brows furrowing again, and he only pulled away when Grian nodded, throat hurting too much to say anything else at the moment.

He didn’t think Joel was going to find anything to make in his base right now, having neglected to actually fill many of the chests, Grian was lucky to have had enough bread to last him as long as it had. Regardless, he made his way to the tiny shower he’d managed to cram into the base, cranking the water heat up as high as it could for now and carefully pulling his t-shirt he’d been wearing for void knows how long off over his wings. He crinkled his nose, imagining the smell he’d become blind to and immediately feeling grateful that Joel hadn’t said anything about it.

Grian kicked off his pants without much fanfare and immediately dove into the shower, melting under the hot water. Now that he was made aware of it, he could feel the layer of grime that was surely there covering his skin, burning water finally melting it away. He carefully sat on the floor of the shower, barely managing to fit in the small space, especially with his wings. He took a deep breath, resting his head on the wall behind him, and just soaked it up like a fish left out of the river for too long, he chuckled softly to himself at the comparison.

He must have dozed off or something, because he jolted awake at the sharp knock on the door, and Joel's voice coming from just outside of it. “You alright in there Grian? Food’s almost done!”

“Y-yeah!” He called back before even thinking about it, regretting it immediately, voice scratchy. His throat hurt, but he didn't have time to worry about that, fumbling for the shampoo among the other bottles in the shower with him.

He definitely spent too much time just sitting under the water, so he tried to properly clean himself up as quickly as possible, so Joel wouldn't be left waiting. It wasn't long before he was out again, towel around his waist, hair and feathers dripping as he peeked out the door into the rest of the base.

“Joel?” He tried not to speak too loudly, not wanting to irritate his throat more, but he needed the other's attention. It seemed the other wasn't wandering far though, with how quickly he reappeared. “Can you-” He coughed. “Can you bring me clean clothes?”

Joel brightened up the more he spoke, nodding quickly as his tail swished behind him. “Of course! Be right back!” And he was off again.

He was back just as quick, and Grian didn't have the energy to ask him how he managed to find everything so easily, and whether or not his closet was left in decent state. Instead he closed the bathroom door again, pulling on clean clothes and already feeling a bit better. The sweater topped that feeling off, covering him like a security blanket. He shook the water out of his hair and wings before padding out into the main room again, catching a whiff of something that smelled amazing.

“Hey,” Grian's gaze fell on Joel, who was setting up a place for him to sit. “Your hair's a mess still.”

He blushed, shrugging his shoulders. He sat down before Joel even suggested he did, feeling tired.

“I can brush it for you,” he offered, setting down a grilled salmon in front of Grian, whose mouth was watering already. “I've done it for Lizzie before, I promise not to pull.”

“Did you catch this?” Grian asked instead, forcing himself to slow down before he ate the whole thing immediately.

“Borrowed one of your poles, figured you wouldn't mind too much,” Joel explained, setting a steaming mug down in front of him too.

He hummed softly in response, forcing himself to slow down after a couple bites and taking a sip of the tea Joel had made him. Far too sweet.

“I added some extra honey,” either Joel was reading his mind, or he'd made a face without realizing. “Your throat sounded pretty rough, it'll be good for you.”

“Thanks,” he mumbled, truly meaning it, whether it sounded that way or not. Joel was pretty quiet while he finished eating, puttering around the small base, occupying himself. Eventually he finished, pushing the plate away for later, and he heard Joel coming up behind him.

“I found your brush, mind if I take care of your hair?”

Grian sighed, a little smile creeping onto his face. “I guess, you promised not to pull though,” he reminded the other, head tilting back a bit.

“And I meant it!” Joel sounded offended, though he snickered after a second. “It'll help, you'll feel more like a person,” he murmured, and Grian felt him starting to work his fingers through his hair.

“You've been helping a lot already,” Grian admitted softly, relaxing easily into the touch. How long was his hair now? It couldn't be too much longer than he usually kept it.

“Glad to hear,” for once Joel didn't sound smug or full of himself, just genuinely glad. “How long have you been out of it?” The brush started working it's way through his hair.

“Dunno,” Grian mumbled, taking a deep breath. “Since… Since I last went off server,” he felt himself tense a little at the reminder, wings twitching.

“With Scar and Mumbo?” Joel kept his tone even, non-judgemental for once. “They mentioned your eye, was that what happened?”

A hand suddenly flew up to his eye, gently touching the skin near it. “P-part of it. Is it still there?” He'd been avoiding looking in the mirror since.

“Barely,” Joel assured him, and the motion of the brush through his hair started relaxing him again. “I only noticed because I knew to look for it. You said part, what else happened?”

He felt like his throat was closing up, eyes watering a little. “My- my wings,” he managed out, taking a deep breath. “Something happened.”

“Something,” Joel repeated, hands never stopping. “Are they alright? Nothing broken at least? They don't look broken.”

“N-nothing broken,” Grian confirmed, feeling them tremble, just a little. “Don't really wanna-”

“That's fine,” Joel murmured, and it was quiet for a moment. “With me? Or with anyone?”

He didn't know how to answer that, opening his mouth to begin speaking, only to close it when he couldn't think of anything. No, not Joel specifically, but he wasn't sure who, if he would anyone.

“I usually braid Lizzie's hair when I'm done,” Joel said nonchalantly, the brush regretfully leaving Grian's head, “but yours is pretty short. We could try a little ponytail if you want, I think it'd be fun.”

Grian shook his head, reaching for the mug of tea again. Knowing Joel, he'd gather up all the hair in front of his head, pull it all together right on his forehead… Though maybe not today specifically.

There was silence for a bit, comfortable, until Joel decided to speak again. “Would you tell Mumbo?”

Grian froze. Would he? He could. Mumbo knew the kind of stuff he went through when he was young, even if just vaguely. He was scared though, there was always the chance, no matter how small, that Mumbo would scold him when he found out just how deep that rabbit hole went.

“Careful, you'll shatter that,” Joel warned him, moving to take the mug from his white-knuckled hands, setting it down on the table again. Grian hadn't even noticed how tightly he'd been holding onto it. “Not Mumbo then, what about Scar?”

Scar. Scar didn't know any of it. At least, he knew less than Mumbo, he'd have less context clues to put it all together, he'd be reliant on the details Grian told him, and only those.

“... Maybe, I don't know,” he answered honestly, tracing the grain in the table with his finger.

“Maybe is better than no, or trying to shatter a cup of boiling tea all over yourself,” Joel was being dramatic, it wasn't even steaming anymore. “Why don't you take a nap? I'll get him over here in the meantime, I think he'll help, even if you don't tell him.”

Grian hadn't even realized how tired he was again, the thought of a nap sounding much more pleasing to him than it usually would. He didn't even think to argue, nodding as he carefully got up from the table, a yawn escaping him.

“Careful now,” Joel warned, helping him to bed. Grian would have taken offense at that were he not so exhausted, and the second he was laying down again he was out like a light.

[spacebunniezzz]

I wanted to take a moment to talk about something that has been really bothering me in my personal life because I am so tired of holding in all of the anger and disgust. I know posting about this is very different from my regular content and what I'd prefer to post but I just can't get this off of my mind.

On Facebook I follow a lot of leftist pages but ever since I have I have also been getting recommended a lot of anti LGBTQ, racist, anti feminist content, for every one leftist page I get recommended I get at least about maybe five or so right wing pages and groups recommended to me. This has been kind of detrimental to my mental health, and again I don't follow any page or group that is conservative but every day on Facebook I'm bombarded with seeing hateful and disgusting individuals on my feed.

I have gotten recommend Candace Owens, Brett Cooper, Michael Knowles, Matt Walsh, Ben Shapiro and a ton of meme pages dedicated to bullying people or very hateful stuff, hell yesterday I got recommended a manosphere/incel page and I am constantly seeing men have absolute shit takes on FB. I have had to block at least near ninety pages.

The most I ever do is maybe like a comment that is going against conservatives or bigoted individuals but other than that I block every account I see or hide the groups because for some reason I can't block a group but can hide them.

I am absolutely disgusted that facebook keeps pushing these groups on me. Why would I support a group and pages full of hateful men that hate my existence and why would I support groups and pages that hate minorities? And most importantly why tf do these pages and groups even exist? I guess people could say it's their freedom of speech but I think freedom of speech is a bullshit excuse to go out to harass people because others are uneducated and would prefer to spread misinformation rather than listen to minorities and educate themselves.

I like Facebook because I have come across a lot of really awesome groups on there but I'm just so tired of feeling mentally drained when I see these pages and groups that are spreading hate speech because yes I fully believe these pages and groups spread hate speech and I honestly don't give a flying F U C K if its "fReE sPeEcH" to me its just an excuse to be an absolute pos.

Also I guess this is me saying that people like this are not welcome to my page. Just because I can't stop seeing bs on FB doesn't mean I'm going to let that bs slide here and for Facebook: fuck you.

With all of that said and done with all of that ranting I will be continuing to post my regular stuff.

[unioncolours]

Congratulations on the new number of subscribers. Surely I am one of them. So this is the prompt for your tiny giveaway.. I love ShikaTema, in the mood for AU and angsty storyline, but I choose I don't have time to bleed as the main one. Thank you for all your wonderful stories, you are one of my favourites of shikatema writer. I hope you always be in abundance of happiness, imagination, and creativity.

Oh, thank you, dear Anon 🖤 I am glad to hear you're subbed to me (and sorry for the lack of new fics...).

You said you're in the mood for an AU and angsty storyline and then I cannot not write a snip of that blasted Witcher AU that has lived rent free in my head since 2020. The snip here would most likely not be part of the main story in my head, but connected to it.

Thank you 🥰

Bleeding Fire

ShikaTema Witcher Au

Word count: 950 words.

Tags: Blood, Magic AU, inspired by the games not the show

“I’ve seen you in better shape,” Temari snorted when she closed in on Shikamaru. “I found this downstairs,” she added and waved with his silver sword. “They had taken good care of it. Were probably going to melt it and recast it as a silver chain, I’d wager.”

“You holding it doesn’t suit you,” Shikamaru replied through a tired smile. The blood from his nose had already dried along his upper lip and he was deadly annoyed at being in this position, trapped and bound by a pillar in some kind of attic just because one decoction failed and made him temporarily blind as the gang had caught up on him. During normal circumstances it would never have happened. He’s more skilled that this.

“I know,” Temari said and dropped the sword by Shikamaru’s feet. Her hands were splashed with blood – someone else’s blood, but the blade was shiningly clean. She observed her own hands. “As long as I didn’t touch the silver it worked. The hilt saved me.” She looked down at him. “Being bound in simple rope doesn’t suit you either.” Then she grinned and crouched down in front of him. “Or does it? I may like this position of yours.”

“For fucks’ sake, get me out of this, succubus,” Shikamaru muttered, but not even he could deny the slightest fun idea Temari’s suggestion gave him.

Temari reached over and her claw-like fingers worked fast on the rope, slicing it open so Shikamaru could get up.

“Why are you here anyway?” she asked after throwing the rope away. “Lost a game of Gwent? I thought you agreed never to contact me again, yet here I stumble upon you.”

“So I see you smelled me from quarters away, huh. And remember, I never gave any such promises,” Shikamaru said as he got up. His sturdy leather gloves were lying on the floor, and he dressed them on. Unlike the succubus Temari, he didn’t have claws, so this was next best protection. “I am assuming you killed them?”

“Of course,” Temari muttered. “They were part of the fanatics. Eternal Fire and all that crap. Which is why I am surprised you came here when you know they’ll prosecute you, mutant, for even existing. I told you to live a life –”

“Which is why I am surprised you’ve not run away yet,” Shikamaru shot back and placed the silver sword on his back. “When you know the Eternal Fire will kill you for existing. I saw it just yesterday at the square. I saw them burn someone at the stake, and who knows if she was a proper sorceress or not, but now nothing but crisps remain of her corpse. And people applauded.”

“This is my home,” Temari said, voice hard. She stared out of the window, down at the muddy, miserable street below them which was filled with activity. Beggers, merchants, washers, whores, children and cats. The horns sticking out of her head was visible in her reflection. “I lived here before the fanatics came, before that blasted Eternal Fire poisoned everyone’s mind. We created a home here, my family and I.”

“Listen Temari,” Shikamaru said and grabbed her shoulders. “The life you told me to live? I am a witcher. My life means risking it every minute of every day. People hire me to kill monsters and not all monsters are like you. Elementals can smash my skull into mush with one strike if I am not careful, leshens impale me with branches if I am one step behind and specters suck out my soul if I don’t oil my blade before encountering them. This is my life. But you, you have the power to change your life. Do not live here, risking your life every minute of every day – “

“So join me,” Temari said, cutting him off. Shikamaru stared at her and followed her down the wonky stairs. They walked over bodies lying in the staircase and he found his steel sword stuck into the back on one of the red-dressed dead men. Fanatics, not even soldiers by trade. He ripped the sword out and tugged a piece of cloth from the man to clean it from blood.

“No,” he continued. “Skellige is safe for your kind. I know the queen of Skellige, she’ll allow you shelter.”

“Skellige,” Temari echoed when they reached the lowest floor. “A freezing island in the middle of a freezing sea.” She pulled her hands out to exposed her mostly naked upper body, where her tattoos and markings made up a huge hourglass and different swirls. “I want to live in the warmth.”

“I know succubi who live on Skellige,” Shikamaru said and looked down at Temari’s legs which were covered in fur. “They survive just fine. Put on a jacket, maybe.”

“You don’t command me,” Temari hissed and stared out of the window of the door. “Join me, I said. Join me as we rid my beloved city of the plague.”

“And kill the fanatic king in the same breath, huh?” Shikamaru joked. Temari smiled.

“I could cry blood out of fury for all my brothers and sisters who has been prosecuted and killed since the fanatism started,” she said before turning around. “But I don’t have time to bleed. It’s time to put an end to the prosecution of magicians and non-humans. I can kill a king for it if it gives me my freedom back. Shikamaru, why did you come to Novigrad?”

Shikamaru couldn’t give her an honest reply. Temari smiled thinly.

“So help me, witcher,” she said. “You kill monster for hire. So, join me when we kill the true monster in our city. The king himself.”

[a-heart-like-a-sparrow]

September 2nd, 2024 - Favourites

+ ° . ๑・° ⊹ . + ° . ๑・° ⊹ . + ° . ๑・° ⊹ . +

I had a sad day. But instead of doing the same old entry about that, I decided to do something different.

Yesterday I checked my drafts and noticed that I never finished my top 5 things.

So... here it is. My favourite things. Because why not.

Singers/Vocalists

Hope Sandoval. Ex-vocalist of Mazzy Star and current one for Hope Sandoval & The Warm Inventions. I really cannot explain why I love this woman so much. I listen to her music all day, every day, and I never get tired of it. I'm completely in love with her voice, her harmonica, and her whole vibe. She's just so AAAAAAHHHHH.

Victoria Legrand. Vocalist of Beach House. I hate a thing for very emotional singers/bands. Sometimes she sings like she's on the verge of tears, and UGH I love it. I feel her. Oh God. And she's so beautiful, to??? Now everytime I see a redhead with wavy hair I think it's her.

Björk. I don't wanna hear anyone say a single negative thing about this woman's work (Kate Bush reference?). She's a genius. Like, I totally get it. Yes, queen. Totally. I don't know, I just think she's very creative.

MARINA. Formerly known as Marina and The Diamonds. She was my favourite singer for a long time. I still love her songs, but now it's mostly emotional attachment. She's like my second mother, she gets me.

Gustavo Cerati. Ex-vocalist of Soda Stereo (RIP). I love blasting his discography when I go on car rides with my mother. I mostly listen to him there, not a lot during my daily life. He's still really cool.

Tumblr blogs

Most of these are just aesthetic blogs. That's what I mostly see and search for on Tumblr. Aesthetically pleasing displays of images.

whimsigothic

cheezitofthevalley (this one is actually for blog and web resources)

ultraviolencesaints

carm3n-carm3n

stainedglassjam

Honourable mention: Yours! Even though you don't post anything. I like its existence.

Food

YOU shut up about my pasta with meat sauce. SHHHHH. Zip it.

Rice. Specifically my beloved simplified risotto. I have a borderline unhealthy obsession with that meal, I could eat it every day if that wasn't so bad for my body.

Noodles. Usually with cream and tuna (I swear it's delicious). Or I could use garlic and parsley. Or just some piece of beef. I don't care, it's pasta, and I love it.

Cheese. It elevates ANY meal. Seriously. It has to be the best invention in the world. So what if I get health problems because I eat too much cheese? It'd be worth it.

Tomatoes. I worship tomatoes. The best fruit in the world. You probably don't wanna see me eating one when I crave it.

Beef. My favourite type of meat. The others are fine, but there's just something about cows. I love it. And if there's no beef, pork is okay, too.

Imagine a combination of all those... Dream meal.

Since when are someone's favourite foods completely healthy?

School subjects

Philosophy. It completely drains my brain in under an hour. But when I finally understand everything, I feel some kind of epiphany. Pure euphoria. Also, I somehow do really well in it. And I love my teacher!

History. I like reading about the stupid mistakes that old men made in yhe past centuries to fill the void in their souls with money, power, and glory 😍 (Lana Del Rey reference).

Literature. I hate those activities we do after reading a story or a novel, but the reading itself is very nice. I don't understand why most or even all of my classmates hate it.

Math. I don't know why. I like solving exercises sometimes. Only when I understand it. If not, it's absolute torture.

Physics. The same reason as in Math, but this one is a bit worse. I don't know how to explain it.

Instagram accounts

sotce. Including her other accounts sweetrelease08, and flower808080808. I don't understand a single thing of what she posts, and at the same time I fully get it. I feel seen. I don't know how to explain it. I don't even remember how I found her lol

ihatekatebush. They're just so cool. They're the reason why I downloaded Substack and I gotta thank them for that. Love ya, beautiful soul. I know you won't read this ever.

takatoy999. My actual favourite artist. Completely in love with his work. It's perfect.

mako_vice. One of my favourite artists. MAYBE my own drawings are a bit inspired by theirs. I just wish I could afford their merch.

odilepauline. What a woman, oh my god. She's beautiful, interesting, simply perfect. I uses to be more active in the comments but then I got shy lol

Honourable mention: Girlbloggers. Specifically:

atelierlaurenjane

brokenlipstickgirl

clownluvrr

girlblogger2008

luckydaygirl

pinkmotel444

unbalancedfemme

I'm not ashamed to say that I fucking love these girls.

Two quick ones now.

Decades

90s

2000s

80s

60s

70s

Nail combos

Just straight up black. A classic.

Aqua and red (middle and ring fingers). Yeah, that's exactly why.

Green and black (middle finger and thumb). So brat. So Julia.

Black and light blue (with blue sparkles). For some reason it's really "Among My Swan" by Mazzy Star.

Black with blue and hot pink. TV Girl reference.

I'm not talking about my favourite albums because I wouldn't finish this ever.

AND THAT'S IT. It took me longer than I expected. But I had fun anyway.

Now I'm gonna do my Religion homework at the last minute. Just like I said yesterday lol

Rest well.

+ ° . ๑・° ⊹ . + ° . ๑・° ⊹ . + ° . ๑・° ⊹ . +

[madamemaximoff06]

Void State Progress

So I want to start sharing my void journey on here and just be more active with posting on Tumblr (in general)

How I found out about the Void state was from Instagram back in 2021 I believe (I’m also into reality shifting, so I’m using the void to manifest my dream life and to shift realities) I found it under some shifting account so I decided to dig deeper to find out what it was. I then joined tumblr and I wasn’t on it as much then I decided hey why not look up the void state and the amount of success stories I found, liked and then rebloged was insane.

so I’ve actually entered the void twice BUT both times I woke up in the void and I had no idea I was in the void, I woke up in the void both times. And for those that will be asking I don’t remember exactly what I did, it was months ago, but I think I just affirmed “I am in the void” as I was falling asleep or just really drowsy then woke up there.

The first time it happened I was lying down on my couch with my family as we were watching a horror movie, normally I would be sitting up right but I decided to lie down (because I stole my sister spot, it’s like this long piece of the couch that’s not sectioned off like how newer couches are) I would occasionally affirm that I was in the void every now and then but it wasn’t my main goal, I didn’t even mean to fall asleep then I did then I woke up in this black void, I couldn’t hear or feel anything and I was confused, I just figured that hey maybe I woke up with my eyes closed (I know sounds stupid) then I would wake myself up more and leave the void.

the second time was when I was in my room, i can’t remember if I was listening to a subliminal or something, but I was in this drowsy state (and kind of bored) so I took a nap and I woke up there, Once again had no idea that I was in the void) then I woke up more to go to a birthday party.

I actually replied to a post that I saw that described this exactly and it made me realize that I entered the void both times without really realizing it.

Basically I wrote that I’ve been experiencing exactly what this person has been experiencing, and later on in the months I’ve found that a lot of people also have this same problem, being in the void but not knowing it then waking up from it. Basically what would happen to me is I’ll be affirming then I’ll fall asleep then I’ll “wake up” and I’ll just be in this state of being awake and also unconscious (if that makes sense), I would just be in the blackness, not feeling anything, not hearing anything, not like a floaty feeling but just I’m just here in this moment feeling, existing (probably sounds confusing) I would just think that I woke up with my eyes closed and I would forget to affirm because I didn’t think that I entered also because I would wake up and have no thoughts in my head (which is a sign of the void!!!) so I would just wake myself up.

I’ve been honestly kicking myself after realizing that I’ve entered the void two times, but I think I know what works for me, a few things that work for me:

Attempting while I’m tired during the day which will cause me to nap (this is where it happened the second time I entered and I might have entered it a little bit yesterday while also taking a nap, I’ll get to that story in a bit!)

listen to submlinals (or really just anything that’ll be background noise as I fall asleep) and affirm while being in a sleepy state

keep going over my void list (stuff I want to manifest) for motivation also it’s just fun to add stuff

and to never give up, I’ve already entered it twice! TWICE!!! Even if I didn’t know it at the time I still entered the void twice. It’s real, I know it’s real, because I’ve been there. so my experience yesterday was that once again I was in my room, watching a YouTube video, getting tired (normally I never take naps but the past week has been rough) so while I was falling asleep I was affirming not a lot but saying “I’m in the void” or “I will wake up in the void” then I woke up in the void for like a few seconds before I realized that I was “asleep” (I wasn’t asleep I was in the void again!) I panicked and I woke up because I thought that I would be late for my college classes (I’m doing high school classes and college classes at night) so I woke up thinking I was late once again NOT REALIZING I WAS IN THE VOID!!! i’ll get my act together one day but I think this is good for me, I mean I’ve been having doubts about the void and how easy it seems that everyone else is entering it (but also keep in mind I’ve been putting it off for awhile so that’s my bad for being lazy) but I’ve realized how easy it is to enter or tap into. I just hope that next time when I do I’ll remember to affirm for my desires and I will of course be updating on my journey and if anything else happens. thank you so much for reading all of this and reading about my journey, I know it’s a lot but I’m just excited to be sharing my journey and when I do enter I’ll share my success story to help even more people. (Also one day I will learn to make my posts look more fancy 😂) but for now, I’ll see you when I see you ❤️

[ahordeofwasps]

Find the Word Tag

I've been tagged by the spectacular @loopyhoopywrites! Thanks for the tag! My words are Keep, Feel, and Meet. I'll be sharing excerpts from To Not Falling Off Cliffs!

But first, the no pressure tags! I'll be tagging @amewinterswriting, @blind-the-winds, @space-writes, @kaiusvnoir, and open tag! Your words are face, embrace, erase, and space!

Now, onto To Not Falling Off Cliffs!

Keep & Feel

Several minutes after Erika sat down, Mrs. Smith returned carrying a tray with a full pot of tea, two teacups, a gallon of milk, a small pot of sugar, a jar of chocolate chip cookies, and two plates of the ketchup chip salad. “Sorry it took me a while. I’m feeling a bit tired today. It’s that time of the month, y’know?” Erika gave Mrs. Smith a gentle smile, knowing that the time of the month was not why Mrs. Smith felt tired. “Don’t worry about it. I could have made the tea if you wanted,” she said. On occasions where the salespeople were feeling extra greedy, Erika had done exactly that. Mrs. Smith set down the tray on the coffee table, finding space for it among the origami flowers. She shook her head. “Oh no! You’re a guest and guests shouldn’t make hosts tea! Besides, this recipe is special! It just came in yesterday!” “Oh, I see…” Erika said, realizing what the shipment was. She then watched in dumbfounded horror as Mrs. Smith poured a deep purple liquid out of the teapot into the teacups. It somehow smelled of fish. “What kind of tea is this?” Erika asked, fighting to keep her voice level as she stared at the purple concoction.

Meet

He turned his gaze back to Tiffany, licking his lips with a tongue an inch longer than that of a human’s. He leaned in closer. “Tell me,” he said, his voice in a low whisper, “Do you know who’s meeting their untimely end? I must know every delectable detail.” Tiffany did know. Abcde had spilled the details to any reaper that would listen. Reapers couldn’t let the souled know about the deaths of the reaped, but they were permitted to gossip amongst each other. Dulius would lure the woman he currently fed upon into the engine room, where the nuclear reactor that powered the Manhattan lay. He would do so with the intent of draining her dry, unaware that he himself was walking into a trap. The woman was Katia Girard and her fake French accent hid her real French accent. She would impale the Duke with a silver butter knife she had smuggled onboard, but in the process damage the nuclear reactor. Abcde would reap the Duke, while Katia would return to the party. The damage to the reactor would eventually cause an explosion and sink the Manhattan. Katia would succumb to hypothermia and Tiffany would reap her soul. But she couldn’t tell the Duke that. It was not her place to alter Fate. Besides, she’d rather not get in trouble with the Sunodos. She liked her existence where it was.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I have more to say about this link:

It follows on from this post, which I'll just link instead of reblogging to avoid putting that long thing all over people's feeds again. I'm half asleep after work but have to add a few things.

Firstly, there is one entry in that spreadsheet that's new to my collection. Yesterday, I'd set up the whole spreadsheet and was nearly ready to share it, when it occurred to me that, for all the hours and hours I've spent Googling various terms to try to get information on the elusive Chocolate Milk Gang, I'd not tried using the fact that someone people seem to refer to it as being named after milkshakes, not after chocolate milk. So out of curiosity, I Googled a few CMG members' names with the word "milkshake" instead of the words "chocolate milk". I tried a few names, but I knew the most likely name to bring up a result would be David O'Doherty, because as I already knew but that spreadsheet really proves, DO'D is the person who's by far most likely to talk about the existence of the CMG.

What I got is something I'm not sure I sufficiently appreciated last night, as I was tired from dealing with spreadsheet admin for way too long (seriously... the combined time I spent just on trying to write the spreadsheet into HTML format, and then figuring out the best way to upload/share an HTML file... way too many hours), so was focused on just adding that article into the spreadsheet at the last minute, and didn't think too hard about its significance. But looking at it again, this is fucking cool:

This article is from September 2006, just after the Edinburgh Festival. I'm pretty sure it's the earliest example I've ever found of someone referring directly to the Chocolate Milk Gang. The vast majority of that spreadsheet are explanations in the past tense - people saying they "used to be" in that gang. This one, and the Russell Howard article by Jay Richardson, I think are the only two sources that describe it in the present tense, saying these people are in that gang. And the Jay Richardson article is from 2007, so this pre-dates it.

The entire article is interesting, if you happen to be interested in the history of Edinburgh Festival comedy from the 00s, so therefore is extremely interesting to me and otherwise interesting to very few other people in 2024. But if you've enjoyed following along my obsession with that era, I recommend clicking the above link and reading through that whole article. It's an interview with David O'Doherty, based around the fact that he'd been nominated for the Perrier Award in Edinburgh that year, and had lost it to Phil Nichol. DO'D talks a bunch in that article about how awards like this are pointless and being nominated was kind of silly and he's not interested in winning it - it's relevant to context to know he would go on to win that award two years later, in 2008.

...The article does have a weird moment where they describe Jimmy Carr and Russell Brand as friends of David O'Doherty's. It's worth noting that, while a surprising number of cool comedians were apparently hanging out with Jimmy Carr sometimes around 2005, I have listened to a lot of hours of David O'Doherty in various formats talking about his comedy friends/influences/colleagues, and have never heard him describe himself as friends with Russell Brand. Or with Jimmy Carr, for that matter. I'm pretty sure he just mentioned to an interviewer that he'd gigged with those guys before, and because they'd both recently got very famous as of September 2006 (Jimmy Carr had just started hosting everything on TV, Brand was becoming a movie star), they decided to make their article more interesting by mentioning that DO'D worked with them. I'm just clarifying this to defend David O'Doherty's honour, while I'm directing people in 2024 to read an article that claims he hung out with Russell Brand - I'm pretty sure that isn't true, they were just both comedians in 2006.

Anyway, that article has some interesting comments from David O'Doherty on the nature of comedy and industry and awards and competitions, as well as summaries of his career up to that point. But obviously, the passage that was relevant enough to make it into my spreadsheet was this:

HIS MAIN EXTRA-CURRICULAR show was a series of midnight gigs as part of the newly formed , deliberately pompously titled Honourable Men Of Art troupe, in which he is joined by others who take a more considered approach to comedy, such as Daniel Kitson and Demetri Martin. The latter is probably, pound for pound, the best one-liner writer working in comedy today. "A lot of the late-night shows at the festival are just an opportunity for audiences to shout at the comics, so we wanted to try something different," says O'Doherty. "First of all, everyone was seated - we could have got more people in by using the standing space but we didn't. None of us are the hard-drinking, druggy type - in fact we're actually known as the 'Chocolate Milk Kids' because of our fondness for milk shakes." He has good reason to believe that comedy is now moving into an area away from the ubiquitous lads' material. "It's like the move music made from early rock 'n' roll to the more interesting, offbeat, psychedelic stuff in the late 1960s."

Right. Okay. What is this, David? Who the fuck are the Chocolate Milk Kids? I'd never heard that one before. Chocolate Milk Gang, Chocolate Milk Brigade, Milkshake Brigade. But Chocolate Milk Kids? Well that's just making a mockery of it.

...I have some shorter work days coming up this weekend, which I intend to use for further Googling of this chocolate milk/milkshake situation. I think I had it wrong in my previous post on this. My previous post said British people would use both the words "chocolate milk" and "chocolate milkshake" to refer a chocolate milkshake. And they wouldn't use any term to refer to chocolate milk, because it's not common enough there.

A chocolate milkshake - just so we're all on the same page - being something like this:

But after reading my post from yesterday, the British person who originally told me that clarified that that's not what he meant. He said that actually British people would use the term "chocolate milkshake" to refer to both the above drink - which is a milkshake - and to what I would call chocolate milk, which is this:

And they wouldn't refer to anything with the term "chocolate milk". And this may have been the case even more twenty years ago than it is today.

This explanation does less to clarify why they'd get named "Chocolate Milk Gang" for drinking milkshakes - because apparently British people definitely call milkshakes "milkshakes", in addition to calling chocolate milk "milkshakes". Waters are further muddied by the fact that sometimes they do refer to the gang by milkshake-based names, ie. Russell Howard calling it The Milkshake Brigade, and DO'D going with Milkshake Kids in that one article.

My British friend, who has explained to me this quirk of British language, pointed out that one explanation that would make sense is if, when they went to the diner Favorit, they were actually drinking what I, as a Canadian, would call chocolate milk. So the Canadian comedian Glenn Wool called them the Chocolate Milk Gang. And the British and Irish people in the gang described themselves as drinking chocolate milkshakes, but also used Glenn Wool's Canadian term for the actual name of their gang.

That would make sense, if it weren't for the fact that they're not nine years old. No one goes out to drink chocolate milk in the middle of the night. Milkshakes make sense, as a late-night alternative to alcohol for people who want to have a "night out" and drink something fancy but don't want to get drunk. Chocolate milk is just milk. It's a drink for children, and for sensible adults at sensible times of day, not for after late-night comedy shows.

It's also been pointed out to me that Glenn Wool is on social media, so technically, if I wanted to, I could just ask him. Which sounded like a less terrifying idea to me than the idea of contacting any other comedian, and it took me a moment to work out why it seemed that way. I'm pretty sure it's just because he's Canadian. Canadian comedians aren't impressive celebrities, Canadian comedians are people who do drugs with my brother (for the record, Glenn Wool has never done drugs with my brother, and I'm pretty sure has never met him, though as I write this as I realize it's possible he might have and I should find that out because that'd be a useful connection).

"Hey, sorry to message you out of the blue as a stranger, but quick question - did you, by any chance, call the most famous political satirist in the world a nerd in 2002? And if so, what terminology did you use?"

...I'm still half asleep. I need to go to bed.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #205

So… one thing I forgot to mention yesterday was that I ended up with an asthma attack as a result of trying to carry all the things into the hotel while it was hot and humid outside. And I'm not dead (unless I'm secretly a zombie?), because it's mild enough that it can be resolved just by going to a cooler place and not moving for a bit. But I was pretty zonked out afterwards, and also zonked out for most of this morning and afternoon.

So I rested today, for the most part. I began with Dead Cells, but my brain was sluggish and my reflexes were slow, and I wasn't doing well, so I switched gears to Grounded, and that was a lot better.

The locket was delivered to my house today. So I went to a jewelry repair shop to see if I could change the orientation of the loop that holds the locket to the chain, but unfortunately, it's not made of a kind of metal that can withstand the process of correcting it. So I gave it another ring to go onto the loop that was simpler than the one it came with, and I like the results a lot. It's a very simple, elegant thing.

I am going to stick with this one as it is. I've scoured everywhere I could think of for one that looks like the one you lost, and I'm confident that this is the closest thing that exists. I discovered today, too, that almost all lockets in my world are slightly curved to make it a little easier for a picture to fit inside. This is the most accurate thing I'm ever going to find for you. I hope you'll like it.

I also made several QR codes that link to some things I made for you. These QR codes are small enough to fit in the locket (and they come with a little written note folded around them!). I also ordered a picture of your mother to be printed on better quality paper than what my printer at home can do. It should be here in a week or so. I hope it'll be something worthy of you.

I added one final paragraph into the letter I intend to accompany the necklace, too.

…Admittedly, I don't know if he'll willingly see me again. I'm very well aware that it was a miracle that I even got to see him once, that I got to hand him my first letter to you, and the Tree of Life Materia I made. Maybe I am pushing my luck. But I have to try. And if he says no, then he says no, and I'll just think of some other way to try to keep you safe. After all, it is said that we have two options: we fight for what we love, or we mourn for what we lost.

I don't want to mourn for you. Sephiroth, I don't want to mourn for you. And… I'm tired of the narrative that says people like you and people like me are beyond saving. I have to try to advocate for your safety because it's bigger than you. It's bigger than me. There are so many people like us. And I don't want them to think that there's no hope for them to recover, just because we live in a world where the preferred narrative is that people like us simply die, disappear, or otherwise stop existing.

…Sephiroth, I don't wanna live in a world that hates me anymore. And I don't want others to live in a world that hates them, either. I want to see a world in which people like us get the help they need. But they're not gonna listen to me when I tell them how I rose up; my life isn't worth anything here by most people's standards.

…They might listen to you, though…

Hey, Sephiroth? It's like 11:17PM, and I'm still pretty zonked from yesterday. Having my lungs close up on me really seems to take a lot out of me, I guess. I know today's letter is short, and I don't even have any pictures for you in it. I'm sorry. But… I hope you can take some small joy from knowing that someone out here is thinking kindly upon you nonetheless.

.....!!!!!

No wait!!! I forgot!!! I did take some pictures of the sky today!!! And J took some for you, too!!! On the way home from the hotel!!!

I love you. And I'll write again tomorrow. Maybe by then my brain will be a bit less scrambled.

Please look to the sky and keep your eyes on the horizon, where that normal life you wanted lies. And please stay safe…

Your friend, Lumine

[koscheicore]

Rant about invisible illnesses, people's asshole behaviours, professional erasure, ableism etcetc + a bit of personal stuff

Yesterday I kind of... started crying bcs I was reading on fibromyalgia. I have read about it before several times, not only because it's plausible I could have that - or something with similar symptoms - but also because I just like to read on these things, and how people experience them.

However, what got me crying wasn't really the possibility of having it, the lack of explanation so far for my pain, but rather how many people affirm they don't get proper care for it, how many professionals believe it's not even real, how their pain is erased because it's not visible. How they're told they're too young to be feeling it, if they are young, and that's it, often refusing to look for any causes it's a years long battle to even get minimal help for it and then, when the pain gets unbearable it's not enough for the ER. People with fibro, and many other invisible illnesses, are thrown under the bus constantly. And it fucking sucks.

Today I talked about it a bit, and how idk where my pain stems from, and someone decided to tell me that they've heard fibro isn't even real. To all I said abt my pain, that's what they said.

Idk if I have it, but I don't need to have it, to have felt a deep sting as they said that. How I remember also how ppl irl around me genuinely believed widely that ADHD wasn't real in the early 2000s, too. And would tell that to people with a diagnosis even, upon learning they had it. What's the need? What do they get out of that? They read it somewhere and felt the need to say it, without any further research? Idk. Shit like this really hurts, even if it's something I'm not affected by or have the possibility to be, it really fucking hurts, because that's how people end up not having appropriate help and going through constant living hell.

It's definitely hurt me more to not be believed about my mental illnesses than to live with them. To try to reach out just to be dismissed, by friends I trusted, by family members, and fucking hell, by professional after professional. When people listen, and try to understand, even if they don't know how to support you, that's important, that helps. And that's when I started managing better, when people listened. Doesn't mean my issues got better, just that I was more willing to take care of myself, to try and get better or at least make things easier for myself.

Telling someone it's not real, that's just helping them blame themselves, think it's their fault, internalise self-hatred and feelings of worthlessness because well, if it's not real they shouldn't be struggling yeah? They shouldn't be complaining, they don't deserve help because it doesn't exist in the right place, yeah? That's what you're implying when you say it's not real. That's how you deter people from seeking help, even self-help if professional help isn't available (or they don't want to give it to you because let's face it. often they don't.)

And that's also why it's taken me so long to say anything about my pain to doctors, because well, I have been told I'm too young, too. And I'm tired. I'm not a good advocate to myself when it comes to getting help, because I'm just used to being dismissed, and it's tiring to fight, it's easier to swallow it up and keep living in the same struggle than to try to get help only to end up crying because you won't get it bcs incompetent so-called professionals. To lose friendships because of it too.

Idk. Just kinda had to get that out, I guess. Anyways, I have medical tests this month, so let's see how that goes.