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razorblade180 · 4 years ago

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Interdimensional Moms: part 1

Intro <-

Yang:So how we doin this? Drawing straws or... well we actually don’t have straws here so-

Weiss:It’s obvious that you wanna go first.

Blake:Extremely obvious.

Ruby:All over your face.

Yang:Hey now, don’t call me out like that! We all have so much to sort out here. I don’t even know where to begin. Differences could start and stop anywhere for all we really know.

Blake:From what it seems, Beacon itself would have one or two minor changes, but the real changes start after the fall. At least, for you three that is.

Weiss:You saying you’re different?

Blake:Unless you three started going on dates with Jaune at Beacon, then yes, I’m different.

RWY:(They’ve been together that long!?)

Yang:Okay, starting from Beacon...nothing really stands out too much. Jaune and I were just friends. *cringes* Back then, a certain faunus caught my eye.

Blake:Ah...right. I guess that tracks in practically every universe.

RW:Oh yeah it does. You two are joined at the hip.

Yang:Haha, really? Glad to hear it. My Blake and I are best buds! Remnant has never seen such a dynamic duo! Can’t say it didn’t take a lot of time effort after a rough patch. We actually dated in my world.

Blake:Same.

Yang:What!? How long?

Blake:I don’t know, it was pretty on again off again.

Yang:Well for me it was after Haven. Both of us had gotten pretty serious. All the growing we’ve done together and apart had brought us closer. However, Adam unintentionally put a wedge between us. His attempt to change and the problems that came with it were-

Yang stopped midway and saw the confused faces of her otherworldly teammates. They were shocked, confused even. Especially Blake, who looked the most shocked of all.

Yang:Umm did I say something odd?

Blake:Adam, he...isn’t dead?

Yang:Oh, well I guess that’s the start of the major changes then. Blake and I fought Adam at Argus. Stabbed him through the chest and watched him fall down rocks into a river.

Ruby:That lines you with my world. Dude died that day. Like any normal person should.

Yang:Well Adam is anything but fucking normal. Man has the craziest luck. A young women, the winter maiden in fact, she saved his life. She’s not exactly normal either. The maiden, Jacquelyn, ended up sticking by him to see if she could change his ways. This naturally meant we’d run into them again. And that’s how things fell apart.

Blake:What do you mean?

Yang:You were fully committed to seeing if Adam could actually change. I wasn’t, so we constantly butted heads in any situation involving him. Then we would fight about things that had nothing to do with at all. Eventually, we broke it off. We remained on decent terms but I was pretty heartbroken about the disconnect. Enter our lovable blonde idiot. Jaune did everything in his power to cheer me up.

Weiss:Sounds like him. Always such a bleeding heart. That boy just can’t help himself. Let me guess, his kindness and concern made you feel all warm and fuzzy?

Yang:Hehe, guilty. It was more of his willingness to laugh at my puns. Jaune’s always been interesting to talk to. He tries to act cool and calm even though he’s terrible at it, then comes clean right after. Before I knew it I was telling him things I hadn’t talked about with people before. I could tell he looked at me like most guys do, but also genuinely wanted to listen to me. Talk about playing unfair; he got defenseless. Suddenly I was smiling again. Anytime with him was time well spent. Then one day, I kissed him.

Ruby:Happily ever after?

Yang:Not even close! Hahaha!

Weiss:Why do you sound proud?

Yang:It’s funny looking back at it to a certain degree. Gods, I was such a brat. More than a few fights are on me. Between Blake, Raven, and other experiences, my insecurities flared up in ugly ways over nothing. It even got us to break up too. I was officially done with dating. My Ruby was out in an uncomfortable position.

Ruby:I bet! I’d never want you two fighting. Especially in my world. Picking between the person I love and my sister!? I don’t know what will happen.

Yang:I kinda do. *sets up* You’d start dating Jaune because you’ve looked at him since Beacon. The two of you would confide in each other and share a special kind of love, but it would be bittersweet. All because your sister still pines for him and never met to make him leave, and Jaune never says it, but he hates how things fell apart. He’s faithful to you and would never do you wrong, a guy to truly cherish. So... you let him go. Watch him walk back to your sister like you asked, because my happiness was worth that much to you.

Ruby:....

Yang: In my world at least. Honestly it’s still the most amazing thing I’ve seen you do. We must’ve cried over that conversation for hours. I felt so guilty and you only smiled, hugging me tight. Jaune and I had a few more stumbles. Nothing serious though. Eventually we moved in together when the world was saved. You and Oscar got together officially which made me happy. Even made our weddings a competition of who’d make dad bawl his eyes out the most. You won by the way; Raven came back into our family and into dad’s arms. Last but not least I had a baby. Yujin Xiao Long, my fucking pride and joy from above.

Weiss:Wow, that’s a lot.

Blake:What am I doing? Did I marry Sun?

Yang:Yep. You and blondes Blake, I tell ya.

Weiss:Hold the phone! Who am I with!?

Yang:Pretty sure you’re technically single. Buuuut, Neo and your have gotten pretty friendly from what I managed to interrogate out of you.

Weiss:That’s, highly unexpected. For a number of reasons.

Yang:Better believe it. Besides Cinder, a few crazies, and Salem, a few people made something of themselves. Dying sucks after all.

Ruby:You have a dead Cinder?

WBY: You don’t?

Ruby:*crosses arms* Hmph, I’ll wait my turn. Yang, you said you’re the only mother from our team. If Blake and I have been married for quite some time then what, we don’t want kids?

The joyful sunshine from Yang slipped into grayer skies. Her smile faded and it increasingly got harder to look at this Ruby without thinking of her own.

Yang:Are you sure that’s something you wanna know? I’ll tell you, but I didn’t want to bring down the mood with the problems where I from.

Blake:Problems? How big of a problem.

Yang:The biggest we’ve faced. It’s...a lot.

Ruby:Well we’ve listened this far. *takes hand* Lay it on us.

Yang:Pfft, oh boy. So...umm...another secret war came up. One that caused us to leave our friends and family for over a decade.

Weiss:A decade!?

Blake:What gets worse after Salem!? Who tries anything after a grimm queen!?

Yang:So a majority of Remnant was still unaware of her, but a fight like that can only be kept under wraps so tightly. Plenty of people still learned fractions of the truth. A few of those people weren’t exactly nice guys. They idolized her efforts and became her followers that wanted to keep her will alive, starting with taking revenge on the people who defeated her. We were so unaware. So caught up in normalcy. They ambushed us, and I mean everyone. We...we didn’t come out unscathed. Ren was crippled badly. Weiss, you almost your brother. Jaune’s family got hit but thankfully lived. The real casualties were aimed to hurt Ruby.

Ruby:Oh, of course. S-So, either you’re about to say I had no time to start a family, or...

Yang:...

Yang:When I tell you the look you made when you learned what happened to Oscar, to Qrow... that’s the moment it felt like my little sister left forever. Till this day you don’t smile like you used to. Very recently, now that it’s finally over, you’ve started looking better, but those ten years were hell. We choose to go out and fight again, avoiding contact with family. I haven’t had a real opportunity to be in my daughters life.

Ruby:How old is she?

Yang:Sixteen soon. Left her when she was four so you know. *tearing up* I missed everything. Just about anyways. Ironically it was Raven and Adam that helped her through the years with Jaune and Dad. Eventually we came back and ooohh boy was Yujin not thrilled in the slightest. Hehehe. Her right hook is really strong. I only had about a week with her before things got complicated again. *wipes eyes* But it’s okay. We left on good term. Something I definitely don’t feel like I deserve.

Blake:I can’t believe a thing like that would be possible.

Yang:Cults are a huge problem in Remnant now. You’re definitely aware of that. You actually oversee a little group from the shadows to deal with them in secret. An idea you got from experience. Adam works for you and everything. Hate to admit, but he’s become the guy you wanted him to be. Even has a family. I’m grateful to him. He personally kept my girl safe.

Blake:To think I’d hear you say that. Now I know this isn’t my world.

Yang:Don’t get me wrong, I still will hit him if given the chance. My life hasn’t been charmed and sacrifices too great were happening way too many times but it finally has gotten to a point where everyone feels like we’re taking steps towards a better future.

Weiss:Moving forward?

Yang:Yes, I was trying to avoid the phrase but yes Weiss, we’re moving forward. Still... *looks at Ruby*....

Ruby:W-What?

Yang:It’s unreal seeing you like this. My Ruby has become so strong and endured but hasn’t really picked herself up completely. All her tragedy stemmed from the loss of Oscar and Qrow; her last talk with Oscar was fight about kids too. That’s the entire reason she went off alone in the first place. Looking at you I can’t help but question my own choices. If...I just let her stay with Jaune, then maybe-

Ruby:Nope.

Yang:Huh?

Ruby:Look, if I know anything about your world, then it’s gonna be me and I can tell you without a doubt your Ruby doesn’t blame or would consider her own happiness without you. She loved you enough to take the chance to find love again. You really think there’s anything you could’ve done differently at that point. That girl is as stubborn as they come! *smiles* So buck up cowgirl. You deserve it.

A sense of warmth came over Yang as she heard those words. This other Ruby smiled at her with the same love as her own; completely caring about Yang’s feeling before her own. Yang felt so...unburdened. She couldn’t help but cry a little, laughing softly as she did. Who would’ve thought love could transcend worlds? It was so vindicating, therapeutic even.

Yang:Ruby, you’re something else entirely, you know that?

Ruby:It’s my curse. All I ever wanted was normal knees but the world said “no, special eyes!”

Yang:Well I guess I should thank the world then?

Weiss:You said your Ruby is getting better? That’s good. Still, it must be pretty weird looking at Jaune. Can’t imagine how lonely it must feel losing a love twice.

Blake:It never numbs.

Yang:Geez you two, lighten up. We can’t all be depressed. Ruby also didn’t lose Jaune. Actually....there may or may not have been an interesting...arrangement for a brief period of time.

Ruby:Ehhh what?

Yang:Hehehe well, hahaha, ummmm a decade is a very long time without feeling any kind of pleasure in a bleak situation. And you know me, I have to share things with you all my life.

Ruby:OH MY GOD!!!

Blake:*grinning* Yooooo! You loaned out Jaune!?

Weiss:That’s....accurate; in a lot of ways.

Ruby:That’s so scandalous! How could you!?

Yang:I didn’t force it! I gave the option, you said no, then you changed your mind because things got real stressful. Like come on, a decade of death and loneliness.

Ruby:Sigh...yeah. I can see it. Still, it’s so filthy. He’s a married man. What, so I’d just look at you and say “Yang I’m gonna sleep with Jaune, don’t come in the room.”

Yang:....

Ruby:What?

Yang:....Nothing.

Ruby:Bullshit! What is it!?

Yang:*scratches head* Well, I was lonely too, and a week is only so long-

Weiss:Oh so it was a group thing!!?

Ruby:WHAT!?

Yang:Only sometimes!

Ruby:SOMETIMES!?

Blake:HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! THAT IS AMAZING!

Ruby:Why are you laughing!?

Blake:Because that’s just so extreme, and not, all at the same time. I could totally see that happening.

Weiss:Same. Dang, Jaune slept with sisters. That’s dangerously close to being like your dad.

Ruby:That’s different!

Blake:Is it though?

Yang:Eh, I don’t see the problem. We’re all grown and make choices. Plus I’m the one who guided you through awkward teenage changes. It not like we didn’t share a room for years.

Ruby:That doesn’t make it okay.

Yang:Eh debatable.

Ruby:*red* It isn’t though! How could I do something so bold!? So taboo!?

Weiss:It isn’t like you’re the one who did it. Just a version of you.

Ruby:Not better!

Yang:Awwww it’s okay Ruby. Let’s hug it out. Hehehe *opens arms*

Ruby:Don’t touch me!

Weiss and Blake laugh until their sides hurt as Ruby tries escaping the bear hug that terrorized her. Yang’s world found interesting for sure. Weiss finally decides to help Ruby out.

Weiss:Got a picture of Yujin?

Yang’s eyes lit up and pulled out her scroll. Her team huddled around her and collectively cooed like that parents they are at the sight of a blonde young girl with gorgeous blue eyes with a black combat school graduation cap and gown and a certificate proudly raised up high. If it wasn’t for those eyes and shoulders length hair, they might’ve mistaken her for Yang.

Yang:She’s going to Beacon early because she’s fucking awesome like her mom.

Ruby:I think you mean her aunt?

Yang:I know what I said.

Weiss:I bet she’s just as hardheaded.

Blake:What do you think your kid is up to right now?

Yang: Well...*smiles*

xxxx

The girl in question sat at a work bench with oil on her face and her hands busy tinkering with gauntlets. She looked over at blueprints in a journal. If they were right, then she was definitely doing something wrong. How her mother made something so complex was crazy!

Yujin:Come on Yujin. You can fix a car, making gauntlets into a sword that don’t break should be easy!

Footsteps came up from behind her and a plate stacked with sandwiches. She looked up and smiled at her dad that gave her a wink, then kissed her forehead.

Jaune:Haveing fun, you grease monkey.

Yujin:Jokes on you, I like monkeys. Just a few more attempts and I’ll have the coolest weapon in Remnant. That entrance exam is as good as aced.

Jaune:Not if you don’t have a landing strategy. Tomorrow we’re going on a trip.

Yujin:Does it happen to be near a cliff?

Jaune:Who can say? Rule one of being a huntsman, be prepared for everything.

He ruffled her hair and left, laughing evilly. Yujin could tell he’s been waiting for this day. She pulled out her scroll and searched through a collection of videos labeled “mom” and found a super early one. She hit play and watched her mother give a peace sign to the camera as trees increasingly got closer from below.

Yang:Beacon rules!!!! Wooohooo!

The camera flipped and focused on a familiar blonde flailing through the air like a doll in the distance.

Yang:Oof, hate to be that guy! Wait, that’s vomit boy! Hahah, hope he survives. He owes me shoes. Poor dude. I guess he needs more training in flirting and landing. Wait, eugh I think he barfed again! Hahaha!

Jaune:Stop watching that one!!!!

Yujin:Hahaha but it’s the best one. The ending is priceless.

Jaune: *walks back down*

Yang:Well if he survives this I guess I can off him at least I can offer him mints and company. Fake it to ya make Jaune. Between me and Ruby, at least you’ll look like a player. Heh, nah, I don’t think I can support a bunny onesie.

Yujin and Jaune:*grinning* And then she did! *high-fives* Arc charm, baby!

#rwby #rwby au #jaune arc #ruby rose #weiss schnee #yang xiao long #blake belladonna #rwby dragonslayer #yujin xiao long #rwby lasting embers

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flow-green · 4 years ago

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Fresh dog onwer and a Fuck-It-Diet

Slowly I am crawling out from my black hole. Few months of silence has been broken. I disappeared for a bit due to quite severe reason. I will not reveal it here in details, if anyone is interested, feel free to DM me :). It was not related to my ED. Life just happened and decided to throw quite a tricky challenge on my way, which luckily got solved in a positive way, and within March I managed to pick myself back up again.

These two months were quite adventurous and opened my eyes on many levels. I started to appreciate more what and who surrounds me and how dear and important my family and close ones are to me. I realized that I hurt them with my self-destructive behavior and this constant worrying over me is an unnecessary burden and a source for stress. So, I am really grateful for this experience. More and more I have started to let go of the restrictions and demons in my head and slowly move towards a mentality that my body is my own temple, my own home and serves me and myself only, and not someone else. Or, well, perhaps in an uncertain future it will be a temporary home for another person, so I should really take care of my body.

These last two weeks have opened my eyes even more, because by a happy accident I stumbled upon a book, but more on that a bit later. First, I would like to tell you about one of the biggest changes of my life, which has brought so much happiness and positivity to our lives. Namely, we now have a new family member. No, I did not have a baby (a bit ironic in this context...), but now there is a constant cheerful pit-a-pat on our floor, made by four cute little paws. On February 16 we got an unexpected opportunity to get a dog! Charlie has now been with us almost 2 months, 2 amazing months. In his quite unique size and unknown breed (we suspect a fox is somehow involved...) he has turned us into these crazy dog lady and sir, you know, like a crazy cat lady.

I think if people saw us right now just the three of us in our natural habitat, they would never ever dare to do any official busines with us.

Anyhow, here he is. Charlie even has his own Instagram account (another sign that we definitely are not normal)

Mr. Dog has a massive amount of dog fur which happily floats all over the house and if we vacuum the entire place on Wednesday morning, all the fur bunnies have taken their natural place back to themselves.

Charlie is cool. With his happy face he rides with us to all the places around the country, he loves car rides. Every weekend we go to some new place in Estonia to explore, our 10 km (over 6 miles) hikes have become our cool new habit. One morning was especially special. We both lost our sleep around 4 AM in the morning and after an hour of chit chat in the bed while Charlie still slept between us (yes, he is a heavy sleeper and definitely not a morning person and yes, he sleeps in our bed. Deal with it), we decided that enough of bedtime and no more sleep. let’s wake up as the sun will rise at 6 AM. Let’s make some breakfast and lunch to go, watch the sunrise with coffee and then go to an early hike in Käsmu, around the epic seaside in Northern Estonia. Done deal. This was one of the most amazing days in my life.

Charlie is just like a therapy dog. Every time when I feel like breaking down in tears, I hug Charlie tight and let him comfort me with his soft cuddles and confident and wise eyes. All the sorrow and worries are gone. Charlie has also made us so active physically. We take several longer or shorter walks throughout the day. I have started to really love walking and running again and for me, for myself, and not for calories or for punishment. I am not counting distance or pace anymore. Every evening I fall asleep, happily excited about my upcoming morning run. I truly enjoy every last step I take.

But, as I promised, a few lines about my new ‘diet’ called The Fuck It Diet. Recently, I pampered myself with another e-reader and this motivated me to search some books which are suggested for people struggling with eating disorders. ‘The Fuck It Diet’ popped up and caught my eye. I managed to get it as an e-book and eagerly dug the pages in. The first lines already made my jaw drop: at first with anger towards the stated facts and later on because of complete understanding.

This book has totally topsy-turvy’ed my views as it describes my current situation in exquisite correct details. My whole belief system about diets, eating habits and weight numbers have completely changed. The whole book teaches you how to get rid of food addiction, self-esteem issues and obsession about body image and weight.

Why have I spent over 10 years battling with anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder? Why do I relapse in my hardest moments and total body hating world into an absurd calorie restriction, where I lose 6+ kg in 2 months, can keep myself skinny, yet sad for maximum 3-4 months, because I will not allow myself to eat anything as I want to lose even more to keep some buffer weight, then get tired and surrender and then eat back all those lost pounds and even more within few weeks? Why can’t I lose weight if I decide that instead of starving myself instead, I will go on some new diet, but this gives no result, weight will not drop, I get frustrated and get back to purging out food or get back to bingeing? Why does this wheel go round, and round and my weight will keep fluctuating vigorously and never stabilizes? Who do I go from one extreme to another? I have punished and scolded myself for years. I have tried to search or reasons: perhaps my genes are messed up and I am forever destined to keep my intake at 500 calories, so I can keep myself in that sweet spot of underweight and normal weight (because that is the only acceptable weight range for me. Sick, isn’t it?)

And then I got my answer: it is not about me or my genes. It’s because of these diets, no matter how beautiful the creators have painted them. It’s because human body has not meant to follow absurd rules about eating, be it fasting, LCHF, keto, paleo, raw vegan, or even mindful eating (eat slow! Rate your hunger! It’s under 10? You are not about to collapse from hunger? Good, drink some lemon water instead. See? Another bunch of rules to stress your brain out).

Most people commute from one diet to another, follows the rules and counts the calories for few months and then a relapse enters. it always does. Then, you will buy another diet plan, which promises even better results. You will haul for absurdly expensive foods like nut butters, almond flour, coconut oil. You replace your favorite foods with some silly alternative. You Google why the hell do I have a massive craving for Chocolate, which of course is your forbidden food. Google tells you have a magnesium deficiency (which might actually be true you know), but the solution: eat 12 almonds and forget about the chocolate. Be honest, that answer frustrates you a bit, deep down. So, instead to go and buy the damn chocolate and make your brain shut up, you force the craving down because FORBIDDEN! But at some point, you still go, buy the chocolate, eat it, and then promise yourself that now you will not touch another piece of chocolate once in upcoming months, will also restrict your intake a few weeks and eat your almonds. And are miserable. And then you eat some more chocolate. And are miserable again. Round and round, it goes.

And you gain those 10 pounds back. WHY, for the love of god?

Simple: your body has no clue whatsoever anymore, what the hell is going on. Years and years, you have kept your body in an unnatural state of starving, famine. Dietary culture has taught us that in order to lose weight all nice, you need to keep yourself in a calorie deficit and this should be around 1200-1500 cals in a day, maximum calorie intake cannot be more than 2000. You count every bite, every mouthful, you write it all down to MyFitnessPal. You eat your food, but you still crave for something more and are already worried about your next meal: can I eat something soon? What can I eat for dinner? Dude, you JUST ate, and you SHOULD feel full. If you don’t, there is obviously a problem. If you are full and STILL want something, there is obviously a problem. And your body is screaming at you the only solution. You worry about food 85% of your day (for me it was 100%, yes, even when I was having sex. Just SPECTACULARLY awesome!)

Body is not stupid. Body now has been taught that no matter what, there is always a next diet and famine state around every corner all the time. Body is scared. Body listens to the brain which constantly repeats those endless rules about eating. No chocolate, no pizza, bread is bad, cheese is bad, ice cream?! Are you stupid? Only a mango sorbet, something sugar free and watery or even better: make your own ice cream from banana (but remember, only HALF A banana!). Forbidden fruit is always the sweetest and then you will go and buy 2 liters of ice cream and eat it all in one go. You will torture yourself afterwards because ice cream is forbidden. You cannot eat it; you need to restrict and go for a 20-k run.

Now comes the most sillies, but the most logical fact: in order to break the cycle, there is only one simple solution: EAT! Everything. A lot. Eat it all that you have craved for years and years and have vetoed. Eat your cravings. Eat even when you are not hungry. Just eat whenever you feel like it. Eat until you are absolutely 100% satisfied and say honestly: no more. This process can take weeks, months, even years, depending on the individual. People in the book describe how they needed three whole years to reprogram their body back to its natural cycle. And it is scary, boy it’s scary. But you just need to take the leap into the water full speed, no splashing with your toes a bit to test the water. The faster you jump, the faster you get the wheels running. Result? Body calms down. Brain can finally rest and reprogram itself back to the way it must be. No food is forbidden anymore (unless you have a severe nut allergy. Please do not eat nuts if you might actually die). The brain now knows that whenever it wants something, it can actually get it, no strings attached, and calms down.

Yes, your will gain weight, sorry, this is not all strawberries and cream (yum, now I want strawberries and cream, will get some for dinner). At first, your body will not trust you. Would you trust yourself if you have been treated miserably for years? It is certain that it’s a trick and another diet is just around the corner. It takes time for it to calm down and start functioning the way it was meant to be. Weight will go up until the body heals and then... it will stop, the weight will naturally balance out, probably even go back down between the weight set points that everyone has, depending on your body and personal physical factor. I know that my middle goldilocks zone is about 5-6 kg more than my absolute lowest weight (right now I am around 10 kg heavier than my all time lowest and it is still in between my weight set points) and I am now completely okay with that number.

And I have now practiced this approach for half a week. Day before yesterday I had some Hesburger (McDonalds basically; had a vegan burger with FRIES), yesterday I ordered myself a vegan pizza without a second thought, with vegan cheese and everything, the whole package. I have now eaten ice cream for 4 days straight (one of my biggest forbidden foods), some vegan desserts. And yesterday I had my first shocking moment. I bought myself another ice cream after the pizza and right after I had bought it, I realized, that I actually do not want it right now. I have no craving. I got home and threw it in the freezer. After my dinner of soup and grilled cheese (!!!), I decided that I am going to eat the ice cream now. I had eaten half of it when I felt that I don’t want it anymore. I still finished it as it was a really small cone, but it was clearly more than enough. The rest of the evening I had no more cravings at all, no hunger. I didn’t even think about food anymore. I just enjoyed the movie with my SO and Charlie. Usually after dinner I was already overthinking about my next meal that was obviously hours away in the morning as no food after 6 PM and I definitely want something as breakfast is so far away, and besides, I try to postpone breakfast anyway as much as possible because intermittent fasting 16 hours +, which made me especially cranky and created countless of mornings with fights and tears with my SO. But now... no cravings and hunger for the entire night. Today morning I woke up with stomach still full from last night. I did not think about foo. Few hours later I bought some oatmeal, carrots, and hummus – and not because it is super healthy, and I am not allowed to eat anything else. No. I actually had a massive craving for carrots and hummus and oatmeal. For lunch, we decided to take some local hand-made burgers. I ordered vegan burger, but as a naked version without buns. Once again, not because empty forbidden bread calorie, but because I actually wanted that hearty vegan patty to sit on a pile of fresh leafy greens, peppers, tomatoes, and cucumbers. My stomach was still quite full of carrot snacks and past dew days’ fast food. I had no inner battle about this with craving vs forbidden food. Nope, I actually did not want any bread or bun.

That was around 3 PM. And hours later I am still full. Back then I had a sever fear over next meal or even a desperate need for additional snack (a forbidden chocolate, ice cream or something similar), but nooo, forbidden, which made the craving and fear even worse.

I have not thought about food today anymore, except now that I write this.

I have gained weight, yes, and it scares me to the core, and I confessed this few days ago to my SO. He looked at me with surprised eyes and said that to be honest, he has not even noticed I have gained, he only realizes this when I have days with severe low self-esteem and when I try to hide my naked body. I think the gain is around 5-6 kg (over 10 pounds), which is not even that big of a deal. Of course, I see and know I have gained, because my clothes now fit kind of perfectly, some rare pieces are a bit tight (I’m in XS-S size, 4-6, and clothes used to be kind of baggy even. Girl, do you need more proof that you are NOT FAT?), my legs are not super-tight sticks with a thigh cap and my collar bones do not press out. I have now extra inches on my body and probably this is the most difficult thing to accept. Recently, I saw over years that the first weight number of 5 has turned into 6 (in kg), over night, which means it was probably water weight from weekend of drinking and salty foods, so this means the actual one is still few kg lower, but the fear is still very real and at that moment I realized that I am tired of crying over a pair of numbers. I am so done. On this day, I asked my partner to hide the scale so I would not now where it is. I went for my morning run and when I came back, I saw him grinning and the scale had disappeared.

On Saturday we went to a birthday party. There was a hot tab with out-doors transportable sauna. Everyone was wild from happiness, except me. I had my bikini with me but for few days already I had stressed out that I will not join the tub, I will not expose my fat body like that. But my friend suggested me to break down the stubbornness, overcome my fears and just do it. No one will judge me, nobody notices, nobody even cares. All those fears are demons in my head. At the party I was sure that I will not go. But then, at some point, I gave myself a mental kick on the butt and went for it. And I am not sorry. I had a blast! Didn’t seem like anyone was giving me looks from head to toes and judged me with their eyes ‘god she is fat!’

This week has been tough, but I now have so many small wins in my bag and overcoming several problems - something I thought I can never do. My motivation has skyrocketed. I could never believe that there might be a time where I am not thinking about food so obsessively. Of course, I know that this is just the beginning of my healing and a long way is to go. I do believe it takes months to amend the damage done in over 10 years.

One of my first fears when reading the book was: What if I eat myself to the absurd size of 400 lbs. seen in those scary reality shows. And my brain gave me the logical answer right away: those 400pound people are also mentally sick, obsessive over food. They have eaten themselves to the slaves of food from very early stage of their lives, being influenced by family, social environment and whatnot, but I am only in my early thirties and 80% of my life I have eaten well-balanced foods and been in the normal weight range, some years I struggled with slight overweight due to puberty and stress from massive changes in life, but this sorted itself out naturally as I got rid of the puberty hormones and stress, weight fluctuated minimally, until I hurled myself head first to the world of diets and eating disorders,

So, most definitely I cannot eat myself to a 400 lbs., it is not physically possible. Perhaps the most real case scenario would be me gaining to 65 kg +, which is coming close to small obesity, but even this is not highly possible as I see that when eating normally, I cannot fit that much food in me and when my metabolism actually heals, the weight should stabilize out and probably even go down a bit. That would actually be a dream: that it will stop going up AND DOWN. I really want that mental and physical stability back.

I miss a normal life. I am in a seriously perfect relationship which has been really close on the edge of abyss because of my sickly behavior. I have gambled with so many good things in my life and almost lost it all. Enough, seriously. I have

#thefuckitdiet #ed #ed recovery #eating disoder recovery #My Story #my journey

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theynevercalledmejennifer-blog · 6 years ago

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Your strong is my weak

I found my way back to writing but it seems I can't really control the outcome. It is pouring out of me uncontrollably, especially in combination with alcohol so it happened what had to happen.

I texted my ex. Drunk, lonely, upset. I did not see it coming, I have not even thought about him on that boozy Sunday which escalated quickly. I danced, I laughed, I ate, I hugged, I played, I sang. But then, you have probably been there too... when you left the stage and the audience is gone, all on your own in the empty but really nice super king size bed, memories hit harder than most of us can handle. They are just there. From zero to 100. Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again.

And I nearly started my next sentence with "and you think..." but no, you don't think. You don't think and you don't estimate the outcome and you don't manipulate and you don't wonder what the reply would be, you just feel. You feel so intensely as if you have been some kind of Snow White chick sleeping in that coffin of glass and suppressed emotions for way too long so that you need to tell that person of desire right now in exact detail how you feel.

(Portentous break)

I was beating myself up the whole next day for it. I couldn't even look at my phone because every time I did it reminded me of what I have done. In my head I was naked ringing the bell walking along the village of my emotions and all the people screamed 'shame' like when that Queen in Game of Thrones got her head shaved for drunk texting her ex too. Infinite looping thoughts: Why have you done this? Why have you texted him when you managed for weeks to stay away, to do your thing, and live your life. Why do you not have the strength to sail through this gracefully? Where is your God damn pride?

But is holding in emotions a sign of pride? Is it really strength? I talked about this with my precious friend Annelie, who is a well know German spiritual blogger and kind of a specialist in relationships and she changed my way to look at this.

It is not a sign of weakness to text someone. Someone you clearly have feelings for. Someone you care about and someone who played a part in your life at one point. It is not a sign of weakness to care. Quite the opposite. It is strong and brave to decide to share your emotions with someone, especially knowing that there won't be a sugar coated, ever so sweet reply that let you fall asleep with a smile. No, you sent the text and there is a massive hole of nothing that is about to swallow you and all you can think is 'I can no longer bear the violence of your silences' but thankfully you are so drunk that you are passing out. Blessed be the booze.

The next morning you wake up and you are full of regrets and above mentioned doubts. But doubt no more, fear no more... the problem is not you, or me, or anyone who speaks from the heart. The problem is society and the fact that in our heads we are still separating 'strong' and 'weak'. What we define as weak is actually strong. And what we define as strong, is the actual weakness within us - if you need to differentiate the way of strong and weak at all.

If I turn this around and remember all the lovely men in my life I could not love back. Have I ever thought 'What a weak man!' When one of them texted me because they missed me? Not once. It made me sad, because I knew someone else was sad because of me. Sometimes it even made me happy because I missed them too and was utterly relieved that he was the brave one opening the door again so I could come back for another ride. Never have I ignored them or made them feel ashamed for their text.

So what to do if you spoke your mind and now feel ashamed or are made to feel ashamed? Try to send love. Try to send love to yourself and also send love their way and you will be surprised what is going to happen within you. After I did exactly that, sending huge amounts of love left, right and centre, I started asking myself what it would be like if we all would start telling each other how we really feel? And I don't mean particularly from lover to lover, or lover to ex lover, I mean all of us, universally spoken.

Why are we beating ourselves up so much when it happens to us? When we spoke our true mind, showed our true self?

Because we have a wrong-headed picture of expressing emotions in general and our personal, romantic emotions in particular. We are forcing ourselves constantly to contain and withhold feelings, pretending that we 'actually do not really care'and I believe that this is the biggest weakness of our society.

In my opinion, all the people who show their emotions openly, no matter what kind of emotion, no matter where and when, are the true strong ones. The brave ones. These are my heroes and not the ones who believe and make others believe that they have to play a role, that being aloof is achieving anything and decide to treat people with anything other than kindness and empathy.

So whatever you did this weekend or whenever in your life, if you drunk texted, if you called, if you've written a letter or sent roses, if you sang a song in front of someone's window or if you simply knocked on their door to check if they still love you too, don't blame yourself, don't blame others. Just take everything as it is. If you feel love, be grateful that you are able to feel love. If you feel sadness, understand where it is coming from. If you feel anger, go ahead and punch them in the face. Okay that was a joke, don't do that.

The trouble with love is, that fear and coldness look the same on the outside but are completely different emotions on the inside. So if one partner is scared shitless because of all the emotions that are suddenly bursting out of their little heart and they think 'Shit, this is getting a bit intense, where is the emergency exit? I am never the lucky one, he or she will leave me anyway so I better play it cool.' So you start being a bit aloof, take some time to text back, be busier than before and although you want to say something stupid like I love you because you just really felt like you actually love that person, you turn your back around and ask for a back stroke. And say nothing. And this is when it happens, this is when the dynamics change. This is how you change them. Because fear is one of the most powerful emotions and unfortunately, contagious. So your fear finds its way straight from your heart into their heart. And this is the downfall. Both of them confused, Black Eyed Peas playing in the back of relationship-head 'where is the love', yes man where is the bloody love? It was just here and now it is not anymore... And it all gets heavy and very very flat like an IPA or one of these weird ciders. If you don't start holding each other there and then, and talk about this odd gut feeling developing in possibly both of your insides, then I guarantee this and put a tenner on it, you both won't last long. You'll be back in single world subito and find yourself online dating.

And yes, Friday night dates are so easy to find, but secretly we are all looking for the cosy morning spoon. The messy hair, morning breath, sleepy eyes and rough voice Sunday morning closeness that covers you like a safety blanket and shuts out the outside world. Someone who wants to share the day. Someone who wants to share you. With you. And all of you, not just the amazing parts that even the people who do not like you at all do like, no I mean the uncomfortable, unpredictable part of you that no one really understands.

I tried to portion myself to make it easier for them to love me. But it did not work. All it does is bringing confusion. To the person by my side, but most importantly to myself. If you are losing yourself in the process of trying to be someone else, it is very hard to row back from this. The current is strong, the tide is high and if you are not reflective and conscious of your surroundings, you end up paddling around until you drown. Drowned in the pool of your lost authenticy. Sad. This sounds so sad because it is so sad.

My friend Rachel said to me the other day, I want you to write about something happy, write about the last time you were crazy happy and it did not have anything to do with a man or a relationship. I have of course several happy moments in my life, many of them in no relation to a member of the male population, but right now, in this state of my life, I can't. I can't write about happiness I felt before because right now I am not feeling it. I feel confusion, love, heartbreak, fear, anger and hope. A weird mix. I need to wait until this phase is over, until I stopped lashing out on instagram for attention as if the 174th selfie would change his mind and make him see me how I wanted him to see me. It is not real anyway. He saw me many times in bed in the morning so that ship has sailed a long time ago... Also, not everything I do is about him. A lot of it is, but not this.

When I started writing, I thought that I was writing for his attention. That I somehow hoped he would find his way to my blog, my written word and take the time to understand me in a way I was not able to show during our relationship. But that is also not true. I am writing for myself. I am writing because of the feeling I have afterwards.

Everything is structured. Everything is a bit more understandable, less painful, less heart wrenching. It creates hope and some sort of happiness within myself. Sad happiness, but happiness. It feels like after a heavy night out where you had too much to drink and you feel shit until this moment where you hug the loo to vomit your soul out, you cry and you swear and call for your mum (who hopefully does not live with you anymore because you are a grown up) and you hate every minute of it but when it is eventually done and all the toxic shit left your body, you are exhausted but relieved. You know it is over, you get yourself up from the floor with that disgusting mix of mascara and tears smeared all over your red face and shower it all off and start fresh. And this is how writing makes me feel.

And this is exactly what I am going to do. Start fresh. With all my emotions ready to burst out of my heart and mouth.

Fasten your seat belts, lovers.

#writersofig #writersofinstagram #theynevercalledmejennifer #writing #writers #relationships #love

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charred-angelwings · 3 years ago

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Hello! Same anxious anon from the other day. 🙋‍♀️

I'm the same way with the constantly saying "sorry" for like everything which also makes me anxious lol I also have social anxiety which makes me super awkward and afraid of talking to people. I often get overwhelmed (and sometimes take forever to respond). 😬

You make a very good point. I mean Jensen is one incredibly gorgeous individual with a hell of a personality and don't even get me started on Dean lol.

Omg I love your son's name and that's amazing that he's able to do all those things. Does he use sign language or a tablet to communicate? I bet he has lots of fun making videos. :) I did see your post and having an autistic child myself it broke my heart. Main reason I reached out to ya. Dealing with a serious health problem is difficult, but when it's your child and they don't understand nor can they express how they feel...that's a different level of hard. I'm so sorry to hear y'all have been stuck at the hospital and he's having to go through this. Good thing he's got his mama. Try to keep your head up. I hope he gets well soon! I know what you mean about escaping reality though. Biggest reason I obsess over SPN and Dean/Jensen is because I'm barely surviving and they help keep the dark thoughts at bay.

Aww I'm glad and appreciate the response. I always worry people will tell me to fuck off or something lol. Anyway I hope you're doing well. Take care! ❤❤❤

First of allllll dont EVER feel that way (I know, easier said than done) I am certain anybody who gets an ask feels incredibly special and grateful that you would take time out of your day and life to reach out. It means the world to me, personally🥰🥰

You are so kind and sweet and caring, and it means literally the world to me that you would even think much less ask about my son! Just for that you’ll always have a place in my heart ❤️

So as far as how things are going, day 7 I think and we are at a literal crossroads. On one hand, if my son eats and drinks today, keeps it down doesn’t throw up then we could possibly go home tomorrow. On the other hand, if he doesn’t then tomorrow the surgeon want to put a pick line in and feed him through that because he hasn’t eaten since last Friday. I’m trying to explain it to him, but ofcourse you know, it’s hard for him to understand that it’s up to him to at least try to eat. I think because he’s been puking all week he has just decided that eating and drinking makes him throw up so simply he refuses all of it. This child has the will of an OX. I’m trying to explain it and I hope he chooses to at least try to eat. We will see I guess.

And yes! He does all that, we started with a pecs board but then he taught him self the alphabet in sign language and we were all like 🤯🤯🤯 so we had to learn in but then he chose to just write it down. So we are like bilingual in a weird way, he mixes them all together and lately all he’s been writing is the word “Home”.

Girl yes. Thirsting and thinking about dean and Jensen at night is the only thing keeping my sanity here, otherwise I would have lost my mind a long time ago. That’s why I love it here, family doesn’t understand, husband hates it (doesn’t even really know I am back on my blog because he has this irrational hate for my love of Dean even though he’s the one who introduced me to Supernatural in the first place) but it’s the only thing that helps me push through. 🤷‍♀️

Love you and thank you so much for you ask😘🥰❤️💕❤️💝💙💖💗💘❣️

#anon ask #thanks anon!#i hope you know we’re friends now even if you stay on anon forever #I will fight someone for you #hospital stay

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coloursofaparadox · 7 years ago

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hey this is a real fuckin good video and i was surprised at how much i related to it the other way around. like. an INSANE amount. more shit under the cut bc makeup and gender are two things I always love talking about

i used to do like. FULL makeup. almost every day once i knew how to. especially since i worked full time w lots of people. including contour. because i felt like VIOLENTLY uncomfortable most of the time w my face shape if i didnt. and honestly the biggest thing i did w makeup everyday was contour? and let me fucking tell u its not an easy halfassed ‘throw on some blush and go’ thing contour is actually difficult and time consuming and takes effort and skill and my fucking god is it exhausting to feel like your choice is to contour or to go outside without it and look like a cis female. the list of things of i used to contour is like nearly everything like in order from most important to least: jawline (HUGE amount), cheekbones, brow, nose, and sometimes forehead. and im so fuckin glad t does as much as it does for face shape. so glad. its not even something i knew i wanted because id convinced myself i could do it all with makeup so it was fine. and like. to an extent thats okay? but same as how she talks about in the video i linked its absolutely exhausting to have to do that just to make your face look like it should every day. and thats not a vanity thing!! theres some shit i do for vanity like eye makeup? and colourful things? but the majority of stuff i used makeup for was for trying to contour my face to relieve dysphoria. and. for someone who honestly? has historically loved the beauty in looking natural as much as possible for so long (no bashing to makeup i fuckin love makeup for self expression and colour) it was. something to adjust to. my investment in makeup over time was an almost direct correlation with my awareness of dysphoria.

and now that ive been on t for over a year? its still slow going bc i was on a very low dose for a while by choice but its been long enough that without me really noticing until i look back and compare, my face looks so different. so much better. still me, obviously, but the me i was constantly trying to recreate by force with makeup before. and now i dont have to. the only thing i still do noticeably to make myself look more masc is my eyebrows? i always notice that i look significantly more masc if i fill in/darken my eyebrows but thats also something i just do anyways by choice bc i fucking L O V E it so who knows.

the one struggle im still having is tbfh i would prefer to...not wear full coverage foundation/skin coverage. like. if i had the choice i would almost always choose natural skin. it feels so much better to me. but. with testosterone for a lot of people comes skin problems. and im getting them under control very slowly but there is a big big difference between ‘a little and manageable amount of acne’ and ‘no acne’ so. im still wearing foundation. every day. but. ive been making efforts to go for a ‘less is more’ approach. so i only do just enough concealer and foundation on the bits that i need it. which is usually just around my chin and mouth area now? and minor enough that i dont even need that much. and am finding ways to use even less as my skin gets better and better. and on rare days when my skin is behaving and i can wear next to nothing it is s o g o o d. im looking forward to when i can do that more often.

so. ye. idk. point of this is that i relate a lot more than i thought to that video even tho i didnt get surgery? bc quite often t does a lot more for ur face shape than e does i believe post puberty. since ive been in so much less constant discord with how i look ive been doing such more natural and minor makeup than before and feeling so so much less stressed and anxious about it. and its not something i even fully thought about till now but i am incredibly grateful now that i have. like. fuck. the amount of anxiety it used to cause me compounded by the amount of time and effort it took to feel just comfortable enough in my own skin to leave the house was. insane. and i almost dont have that any more. at all. its fuckin amazing and is something i wish everyone can have bc jesus. at my 1 year hrt appointment (im usually pretty nervous and reserved?) my doctor asked me if T had improved my quality of life and almost before he was done asking I said yes. 100 percent. there is no doubt whatsoever. fuck. god.

anyways. thats. a rant. if u also have the same v niche interests that i do it might be interesting. cool bye.

#quick addendum the makeup i wear now when i want to look fancy is different!!!#before it would be mostly a lot of extra effort into foundation and contour. like. a lot.#and now its like. ill put on some pink-gold blush under my cheekbones! i do my eyebrows extra nice.#i put a bit of colour on my eyes sometimes if im feeling a bit fem! i have a real nice silver-pink eyeliner stick ive been LOVING lately #but its. for fun. its all for fun and because #i like it? i like colours and accenting features of my face that i like. like my green eyes.#not stress. stress and contour and going all out to create the illusion that my face is what i need it to be.#fuck. anyways. thats like. changed my day-to-day life.#and i dont regret it in the slightest #paradoxnbstuff

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kayleygoestolondon · 7 years ago

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My Week In India

Without a doubt, the week I just spent in New Delhi was the most profound experience of my entire life. It was humbling, eye-opening, and completely life-changing. I’m so glad I decided to sign up for the Impact trip rather than use my half-term break for a personal holiday.

I would never have had the courage to go to India on my own or with a friend. This was a great opportunity for me to experience the country and the culture in a way that felt comfortable and safe. At the same time, I got to work with local teachers and make a genuine difference. For those that don’t know, Impact Teachers is the recruitment agency that I work for in the UK and they do several teacher training trips throughout the year. This year, they have been working with a variety of Indian schools and this was the third and final trip of the year. Their goal is to help teachers in developing countries to improve their practices by providing observational feedback and professional development seminars. Most of the teachers in the schools we visited were young women with very little professional experience or training. Here’s a breakdown of what my week looked like...

Day 1 (Saturday) - Arrival

I flew into New Delhi International Airport (8 hour flight... bleeeeeeh) with Alex and Mary, who both work for Impact. We arrived at 1 in the morning local time and it’s safe to say that I had the worst airport experience of my life. A mob of people were waiting to have their tourist visas checked, but there really weren’t visible queues, so everyone just pushed and shoved their way through. It was hot and insanely crowded. It took 3 hours for us to get to the counters to have our visas checked and fingerprints scanned. As per usual, my fingerprints didn’t scan - I blame this on my extremely dry lizard skin - so I had a moment of panic and assumed that I wouldn’t be allowed into the country. Eventually I got waved through and we hung around the airport for a bit to wait for Luke, another teacher who arrived shortly after us.

Our cab ride to the hotel was... eventful. Our cabbie drove like a bat out of hell and I had my first whiff of “Delhi smell”. Spoiler alert: Delhi smells like farts 90% of the time. We made it to the hotel around 6 AM. Grateful to just be alive at this point, I promptly passed out for a couple hours.

We had breakfast at the hotel and then went for a little walk around the neighbourhood. This was my introduction to Delhi traffic. The horns... the horns! Nobody signals so everyone just honks incessantly. The honking isn’t angry. It’s more of a “hey fellow drivers i am here just so u know” honking. Additionally, nobody drives in lanes so the flow of traffic is complete chaos. There are bikes and tuk-tuks everywhere. There also aren’t sidewalks, so you basically walk along the edge of the street and just hope you don’t get run down. Thankfully the drivers are pretty good about avoiding you or stopping when you try to cross the road.

The hotel we stayed at is in a part of Delhi where you wouldn’t find many foreigners. Because of this, our little group was a bit of a novelty. We were definitely the only white people I saw while we were walking around. People stared at us constantly. Men would call out at us and ask how much our dowry was. That was part of the trip I never got used to... whenever we went anywhere, people stared and it was really uncomfortable. My initial reaction is to assume something is wrong with my face.

Day Two (Sunday) - The Taj Mahal

By Sunday, more of our crew had arrived to the hotel and some of us set off in a cab to Agra, which is where you’d find the Taj Mahal. It was a solid 3 hour cab ride. I got a chance to see some more of the city on the way out. Delhi is a very contradictory place. Some of the buildings are new and very modern looking. Other areas are total slums where people sleep under tarps and there are massive garbage piles everywhere. The city is full of stray dogs and cows wandering around. Overall, I’d just say it’s entirely overwhelming and an assault on your senses.

Agra was (to put it bluntly) a shithole. I really only saw the area directly outside the Taj, but it was filthy and full of beggars/people aggressively trying to sell you souvenir trinkets. The Taj itself was smaller in person than I expected, but it was still a cool experience and something I’m glad I got to check off my bucket list. The grounds are stunning. The only problem is that there are 8 million tourists there all trying to get the perfect selfie and they WILL push you out of the way. I had random people come up to me and ask to take selfies with me (presumably because I am white). At first I said yes, but then a bunch of others flocked to me... so after the third one I panicked and had to run away.

The inside of the Taj is actually a major disappointment. There’s basically nothing in it aside from the king and queen’s tombs, but it is super dark and they just herd you through like cattle.

Unsurprisingly, I slept the entire way home in the cab :-) Once we were back to the hotel, we had dinner and a meeting to prepare for our first day in the schools

Day Three (Monday) - First Day in the Schools

My group’s first school was called JGM Primary. At this school, I worked with a teacher named Meenu. She’s probably the most inspiring teacher I have ever seen. She has been teaching for 7 years, so unlike a lot of the others, she has quite a bit of experience. She was super eager to receive feedback and learn how to improve her teaching. To be honest, she was already very good and I actually learned some things from watching her. She takes her job very seriously and it was obvious that she’s passionate about what she does. Her students absolutely adore her.

At every school I went to (and every single time), whenever I entered the room, all of the students would stand up and in unison they would say something like, “Good morning, teacher! Nice to see you today!” They would remain standing until I had taken my seat. It was totally adorable and really demonstrates the type of respect the kids in these schools have for teachers (or all adults, really).

Our second school, Swarn Bharti, was having a special celebration for older students so we weren’t able to observe any lessons. Instead we got to go to a few classrooms and see the cards that kids were making for their teachers. Absolutely stunning work. Whenever you complimented a child on their artwork, they beamed with pride. They are so incredibly modest about it.

Our third school was Adharshila Convent School. The headteacher invited us in and gave us juice and crisps. He had students dressed up in costumes to welcome us in ... they were soooo cute (although we weren’t sure what all of them were supposed to be). I observed a teacher named Deepika, whose students were probably around 7 years old.

The classroom shocked me. The walls were pretty much bare concrete and it had no interior light. The only light source was one window cut into the wall and a small reading light attached to the top of the blackboard. It’s shocking how little these schools have, but they make do with what they’ve got and they are unwaveringly hardworking and positive. It amazes me that the people who have so little are the ones who complain the least. It put my own life problems into perspective in a way I’ve never experienced before. I realized how lucky and privileged I am compared to the majority of these people... I really need to start being more grateful for that.

At our last school, City Modern, there were no lessons to observe as the teachers had the day off. The hotel delivered lunch to us at the school and we waited for teachers from our previous schools to arrive in the afternoon for the first seminar. We also met with the teachers we observed and provided them with our feedback.

All in all, the first day in the schools was amazing. I felt an overwhelming sense of purpose. I also felt really proud because I successfully peed in a squat toilet. You know... accomplishments.

Day Four (Tuesday) - Second Day in Schools

This day was much like the previous day, though I got to observe teachers at the other two schools as well. It was cool to see a variety of lessons with different student age groups. It also surprised me how much I could understand a lesson that was entirely in Hindi.

We found out we were going to have Wednesday off due to a public religious holiday, so we went out for drinks that night at a nearby bar. There was a Sikh birthday party happening there so we got to see some awesome dancing. We also had a ton of laughs. I was fortunate that I got to be with a really great group of people for the trip. We had quite a mix of people - Irish, Welsh, English, Kiwi, Aussie, Turkish ... I was the only Canadian so naturally I impressed everyone with my politeness and my explanations of Canadian slang, eh

Day Five (Wednesday) - Tourist Day

Because we had the day off, we got the chance to do some more tourist things. We went on a walking tour of Old Delhi in the morning, which took us down some extremely narrow and winding roads full of shops selling shoes, glasses, and food. The weather was perfect (26 and sunny) and our guide was very informative. We ended at a huge mosque right around the time they were doing a call to prayer. Sitting on the steps in the sunshine, watching the people and traffic go by, was a pretty incredible moment.

We did pass by a McDonald’s, which was advertising ice cream for only 19 rupees (probably like the equivalent of 5 cents). I was extremely disappointed that I did not get to take advantage of this because I definitely would have had 10 ice creams

At the end of the tour, we walked past the Red Fort which is quite famous. We decided not to go in because we were hot/tired and wanted to go back to the hotel for lunch.

That evening, we went to Akshardham Temple. It’s the biggest Hindu temple in the world and it is 100% more beautiful than the Taj Mahal. The grounds are massive and beautifully tended. The building is intricately carved marble. You have to remove your shoes before entering. Wandering the temple and reading about the history of their religion was an amazing experience. Afterwards, we went to the back of the grounds for a lights/water show. It was SO COOL. Hands down one of the best parts of the trip. Unfortunately, at Akshardham you cannot bring anything in with you... so I have no photos or videos (but you can Google it).

Day Six/Seven (Thursday/Friday) - Wrapping Up The Week

Thursday found us back into the schools to continue observations. It was amazing to see the teachers already implementing the suggestions we’d given them into their lessons. They take your feedback so seriously because they just want be better for their students.

On Thursday afternoon, I had to present a seminar on Scaffolding & Extensions, which I had worked on with Ellie and Can (two other teachers).

Thursday night we went to Dilli Haat, which is a huge market in southern Delhi. We got some henna done and then bought traditional Indian outfits to wear to the schools on Friday. They had so many beautiful things there to buy - pashmina scarves, gorgeous jewelry, shoes, tons of food. I would have liked to spend more time there.

Friday was an emotional day. It was our last day in the schools. Meenu’s class sang me a goodbye song, which was freaking adorable and almost had me in tears. At the Convent School, they gathered all of the students and teachers in the main hall and then sat us at head tables. They blessed us and gave us bindis (the red dot on the forehead) with rice as a sign of goodwill. Some students put on a dance performance for us. The dancing was so wonderful... and at the end of their songs, they pulled us all up to dance with them. I had so much fun doing it and I felt so welcomed into their culture on that day.

In the afternoon, we had a celebration! Because this was the third and final trip of the year, the teachers were officially “graduating” from the training program so we presented them with certificates. We played some games, sang songs, and had food. LOTS of selfies were taken and gifts exchanged. I was totally taken aback when some of my teachers gave me gifts. They have so little, yet they still wanted to give me something. It was so touching and very emotional.

That night, we had our “last supper” together at the hotel in the evening and got packed up. The majority of us were flying out that night so we headed to the airport together. It was nice to have company at the airport and on the way home.

Leaving was very bittersweet - I was looking forward to coming home to have a proper shower and sleep in my own bed, but I really feel like I could have stayed and done more within the schools. I unexpectedly fell in love with Delhi and Indian culture, and this experience has changed my heart forever. On the bright side, it has given me renewed motivation for my own job back in London so hopefully I am good to go for work tomorrow!

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elizabethcariasa · 5 years ago

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Weaning from Breastfeeding

I wrote the beginning of this post a few months ago and just finished it yesterday. One of my biggest joys is being able to share my motherhood journey with you all. From the bottle of my heart, thank you for following along with us all.

Otis is well over a year and our breastfeeding journey is coming to an end. He’s 14.5 months old as I type the beginning of this post. It’s incredible how my body has done such incredible work to allow me to breastfeed Otis for so long. If you would have asked me at month 2 if I would make it this long, I would never have envisioned it through the constant and painful clogs. But damn. I am so freaking proud of myself for so many reasons. Breastfeeding came easy to me in terms of Otis latching right away. I was lucky. But the hard part for me was working through clogs and the demanding schedule that comes with being someones meal ticket. It’s a wild thing because it has both been some of the most challenging times as well as the most fulfilling. Those quiet moments together with Otis while nursing were all special.

It was when Otis was 10 months old that I realized he would quickly be 1 and I had always envisioned my end goal being 1. Since feedings were still easy and going smoothly, there wasn’t any real reason to stop a good thing right? I think many women ask themselves this same question. I should just keep going right? Because it’s easy, I am lucky that things are going well. In all honesty, at the 10 month mark, I was ready to have some of my body back. That statement is hard to say sometimes. Making a choice for yourself is just as important as making one for your baby. I was ready to have some more flexibility. I put that pressure on myself because feeding was so easy at that point. Questioning my decision to wean. I feel like each decision is so emotional and personal. In the end, I knew it was time for me. Otis was already eating less each feeding so he was naturally weaning a bit due to all the solid foods and snacks he was eating. So that made things easier on my boobs. I knew I would want to drop my feeds cold turkey because I was DONE using a breastpump. Otis was still drinking milk 5 times a day at this point so I picked one of the afternoon feeds to drop first. Since Otis was used to taking bottles, I wasn’t worried about him not having a breastfeeding and replacing it with a bottle. I was a nervous wreck the first feed I skipped. I probably asked Blake 50 times if he thought it was a good day to do it. But just like that, I skipped my first afternoon feed and replaced it with a bottle of formula. And guess what? He took his bottle no problem. And just like that, I had weaned one feed. I was worried how my boobs would feel the next day. Just a tiny bit of fullness but after 2 days my boobs had adjusted and I had no issues. It’s amazing how your body adjusts so quickly based off of a babies needs. I waited about a week or two and then dropped another afternoon feed. My goal was to drop all 3 daytime feeds and just breastfeed morning and night by his first birthday. Each feed I dropped I replaced with a bottle and didn’t pump or anything to relieve my boobs. They just naturally started producing less.

By the time Otis turned 1, I was just breastfeeding in the AM when he woke up, and in the PM right before bed as part of his bedtime routine. Being able to rely on bottles during the day was a breath of fresh air. I was still able to have my special time with him morning and night but the new sense of freedom was liberating. I was ready for it. The next decision was which feed I would ultimately decide to drop last. Since I felt my boobs were a bit more full in the mornings, I decided to drop that feed last. I dropped my night feed and went about our bedtime routine per usual except bringing that bottle into play. We had our special night and just like that, we were down to 1 feeding. Now it was the hard part. I kept the mornings for a bit trying to figure out when I would be “ready.” I was terrified to pull the trigger. Let me explain.

To fully stop breastfeeding to me was a symbol of growth. It was a clear signal that Otis was moving forward past those early newborn days and quickly growing into his own little person. I think the sheer fact that life was transitioning and moving forward was the most emotional part of my end to breastfeeding. My sweet little Oats was really becoming such an independent little person. Seeing him grow has been something out of my dreams and the sheer gravity of that was welling up as I approached the day I had decided to drop my last feed. I picked a day I knew we would be busy and had to leave the house in the morning to help make the transition a little easier on me. Our last breastfeeding together was peaceful and reflective. I know some people don’t get the luxury of choosing the day they stop, or even having the choice to start. There is so much about breastfeeding that is hard for so many. So the fact I literally picked a day on my calendar to make this transition was very special. As we sat together the tears welled thinking of this journey finally coming to an end. But then, a glowing smile. Because you know what, WE DID THIS THING. And I was really fucking proud of what we accomplished both together, and with Blake’s support. We all went through this process together. And I was grateful for the experience. While the beginning was a challenging rocky road, we sat here together, peaceful, enjoying this time together, as the sun drenched the room. I was ready. He was ready. And just like that, I had stopped breastfeeding.

Originally I asked Blake if I could sleep in that day after I dropped my last breastfeeding and he would feed Otis to kind of change up that rhythm for myself. But in the end, I just wanted to be involved and wake up my sweet little guy and give him his bottle. I know your hormones are constantly changing when you stop breastfeeding but I think because I did it gradually, I didn’t run into any issues emotionally. Yes it was a strange new place to be, but it was also equally amazing. In a way, I appreciated our bottle time even more, got to snuggle his head a little closer, and just enjoyed our feedings just as much as before. I am also happy to report I had zero issues with my boobs after dropping my last feed. I as shocked. I think I was so scared because of all the clogs I had experienced in the past but it was just clear that I knew my body and mind were ready to make this transition.

I often get questions about how we made this transition and I wouldn’t say it’s something I could “give advice” on but to merely share my experience because this transition is so different for everyone. I will say, after years of fertility treatments, being pregnant, and then caring for another life so directly in the form of breastfeeding, I have been giving my body to others for a long time. It’s the first time in years, I am truly in my own skin, with myself. I have to say, it feels a little bit strange, but also completely beautiful. It’s true what they say that these seasons in life fly by. I never took a minute of it for granted. I am smiling as I write this because I am just so proud of myself. What a freaking accomplishment!!! To all my mamas out there, whether you breastfed your baby for 1 day, 100 days, or decided breastfeeding wasn’t for you and formula fed your baby, You are all rockstars for going through this feeding journey with your families. It’s hard no matter which path you take and Mamas need to be celebrated more for the amazing things they do for their families.

These photos were from our last feed together. I selfishly took them to cherish. Also one photo from the first day of our new feeding life together. So lucky to have these memories. Don’t mind me while I smother Otis after seeing these photos again today.

Read more about our breastfeeding + pumping journey here.

The post Weaning from Breastfeeding appeared first on eat.sleep.wear. - Fashion & Lifestyle Blog by Kimberly Lapides.

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kurtwarren54 · 5 years ago

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Weaning from Breastfeeding

Read more about our breastfeeding + pumping journey here.

The post Weaning from Breastfeeding appeared first on eat.sleep.wear. - Fashion & Lifestyle Blog by Kimberly Lapides.

from Wellness https://www.eatsleepwear.com/2020/01/21/weaning-from-breastfeeding/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

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dramabus2-blog · 5 years ago

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How Gayle managed to change her life to the better at 66

Gayle was struggling with numerous conditions and diseases and felt hopeless about her situation. Her daughter told her about Diet Doctor, and that she should give keto a try. Gayle signed up for the newsletter but it took her another six months before she found the courage to get started. This is her story:

Hi, my name is Gayle, and I live in a country town in New South Wales, Australia.

I have always struggled with my weight my whole life and the older I got the worse it became.

I was struggling with obesity, sugar addiction, fibromyalgia, inflammation throughout my body, arthritis pain especially in my right knee, and was constantly out of breath. I also knew there was something wrong with my lymphatic system.

I was so fatigued, aching from head to toe, burnt out and not coping well.

The beginning of 2018 had been quite a stressful time for me, I was having panic attacks and was not well. In December 2018, I had also been diagnosed with lipoedema, lymphoedema, and Dercum’s disease. I was so fatigued, aching from head to toe, burnt out and not coping well.

My daughter, Jo, first told me about Diet Doctor in about October 2017. Jo told me about a lady at her work had lost about 40 kilos (88 pounds) on it, and that it may work for me. I signed up for the Diet Doctor newsletters that came by email. I would look at all the success stories and think (sorry, just thinking and excuses) yes that’s ok for all of you, you are all so young looking and in your 20s and 30s but it’s a lot harder for a woman in her 60s. Plus it was coming up to Christmas 2017 and I thought it would be too hard to do with my family coming (another excuse).

So, I thought I’d put it off until at least February 2018. Well, that went on till May 2018 (more excuses). By then I had put on an extra 15 kilos (33 pounds). On the 9th of May, I was in tears and it all felt so hopeless and I knew things had to change… I prayed and asked for help…

I woke up on the 10th of May 2018, and I heard these words in my heart: Today is the day everything will change… Not knowing what that meant but later that morning I opened the Diet Doctor newsletter and went to the success stories and I saw the picture of Christine and her story and I thought oh she looks a little older, maybe there is hope for me. I knew I was about 16 years older than Christine and I had different health problems than she did but I said to myself if she can do it maybe there is hope for me and maybe I can do this too. You may have seen Christine’s success story on the Diet Doctor website.

Then I heard these words in my heart “Do what she did…” So I started the keto way of eating on the 10th of May 2018 at the age of 66 years and weighing 135 kilos (298 pounds) and 159 cm (5’3″) tall.

It is now one year ago today since I had my wake up call and I started on keto. So here I am, one year later and I have lost 42 kilos (92 pounds). I followed what Christine did, and I learned from her and Diet Doctor. I am so grateful to you both for your encouragement along the way and your success stories.

My biggest challenges are:

Winning the battle in my head

Changing my mind-sets

Loving myself

Not listening to the lies in my head

Getting more sleep

Exercising more regularly

Asking myself am I really hungry

Enjoying every mouthful of food

Eating more slowly

I have not been able to see my results as others see them, I still see myself as an obese person. It is slowly changing little by little, though. Also being in a four-month weight stall from the end of December to the end of April, up and down in a 5-kilo (10 pounds) range, but my body shape was changing. I am still working on these things.

Yes, I wish I had known about all of this a lot earlier in my life but by sharing my story may help someone else to get started earlier than I did.

I am winning over the sugar addiction moment by moment and one day at a time.

It has improved my health, I am winning over the sugar addiction moment by moment and one day at a time.

The fibromyalgia has improved, the inflammation throughout my body has improved, my knee has improved, no more shortness of breath, my lymphatic system is flowing a lot better, no more panic attacks. I have lost lipoedema fat which I was told by the specialist I would have to have it surgically removed. No surgeries. The Dercum’s lumps are still sore and I have flare-ups from time to time. The aches and pain and fatigued have improved greatly.

Thank you so much, Diet Doctor and Christine, for your wonderful success stories, they have brought me so much hope, courage, strength, wisdom, and insight. (Christine’s webpage Joyful Keto Life).

Thank you for reading my story, Gayle

Thank you, Gayle! Now you have your own amazing story and I bet many people will be as inspired by you as you were by Christine. Congratulations on all your success!

Source: https://www.dietdoctor.com/how-gayle-managed-to-change-her-life-to-the-better-at-66

#read more #see more #check it out #interesting #learn more

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youngcebuanainmanila-blog · 6 years ago

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JB, My Social Mirror

The person I chose who could be my “social mirror” as he knows me well is John Burtland Allosada, better known as JB. He is a really good friend of mine from high school. We became close when we became classmates in Grade 8. Since then, I have always shared secrets to him, and we have always talked about life. In fact, we call each other “Babe” without any malicious connotation, of course. I really value him as a friend because I have really felt how he has always been there for me through life’s crests and troughs. He is now studying in the University of San Carlos–Talamban Campus, which is situated in Cebu City. He is taking up BS Electronics Engineering. Despite the distance today, we still manage to communicate with each other and give updates on what is going on with our respective lives.

JB and I during the Regional Science Camp 2017.

If asked to write something about me, I think that JB would write the following:

“Reisha is an achiever. She is very hardworking and goal-oriented. She gets sad easily if she does not get whatever she wants to attain. She is one of the people I really idolize in the batch because she knows how to manage her time well. She is scary and intimidating at some point, especially if she is in “the zone” or is seriously doing something. She is very strong as she seemingly knows what to do at all times. But people do not know that she often asks for advice or suggestions from people close to her. She is actually very sensitive of what other people think about her. She keeps on pressuring herself. Because of this, her friends tell her that she has already proven herself. She badly wants to be a doctor but is anxious if that dream would even be possible. We tell her she would be, and this assures her. People often see Reisha as Ms. Independent, as someone who can stand alone, as someone who does not need anyone else in her life. But the truth is, she feels lonely. She constantly needs her friends and other people to remind her that they are always there for her. Reisha needs the assurance that people actually love her. Yes, we do love her and we will always be there for her.”

Last April 9, 2019, I asked JB to write about me and he replied with the following:

Screenshots of JB’s reply to me via Messenger.

First of all, I was pretty surprised with JB’s long response. I did not expect it since lately, he only messages me whenever he needs something. With his long response, I felt happy and sincerely grateful. I felt that he truly is a good, reliable friend who is one in a million.

The two descriptions were very similar. JB and I knew that people view me as someone who is industrious and has achieved a lot. Nonetheless, I was really moved with JB’s first sentence, “People see her as a person with lots of achievements already but Reisha, my babe, is a lot more than that.” It shows that I am more than my medals and trophies, that I am also human with my own attitude, feelings, and thoughts. This line emphasized how JB knew me in a different level, far from the superficial level other people often see. JB and I knew that I am very goal-oriented and that I pressure myself. But I am still surprised with JB’s line: “She is a person that usually uses her mind over body because she doesn’t want to people to get disappointed by her.” I then thought about the numerous instances when I cried to JB due to my personal decisions wherein I prioritized my thoughts, rather than my feelings. I realized that I have shared a lot of problems with JB and that he witnessed how I managed to solve all of those. In the end, JB wrote that I doubt in myself and in my capabilities, but I have proven a lot already. I also wrote this for my description, because JB always tells me that I should enjoy more, that I should stop worrying of what other people think, that I am already amazing. The two descriptions showcased that people will always be proud of me. JB and I know that other people already see me as someone more than the person I see myself.

A fun edited picture of JB and I last 2015.

The two descriptions had differences as well. I thought that I know myself well, that my thoughts are in parallel with my actions. However, when JB stated, “She will really fight for what is true and right despite being judged and deviant from other people,” I realized that there are still parts of me that I do not know. This is because I always thought that other people’s opinions matter so much to me, without even realizing that the truth and the good are actually more important to me. I did not notice it until JB pointed it out. In addition, I heard a lot of people praising my leadership skills before. Nonetheless, I did not know that they really considered me as a very significant part of the events and activities that we did during high school. JB stated, “If our batch back in high-school are organizing big events like this, Reisha is like the backbone of the event where it won’t happen without her presence.” I felt honored and grateful for what he said. This motivated me to move forward much further this college. In addition, I think that the biggest difference between the two descriptions is the ending. I ended mine with “we do love her and we will always be there for her.” However, JB ended his with “she should admire and love herself too.” This really struck since this pointed out that I am already aware that people love me and that they are there for me. What I was not aware of was my decreasing love for myself. I do not see it, but JB and the people closest to me do.

JB and I taking a picture while exhibiting our innovations to the public.

JB and I have known each other for more than six years. It was a long ride to reach where our friendship is now. We shared good and bad memories together. The similarities of the two descriptions exhibit how JB knows me well and how we both know each other well. On the other hand, the differences show that there may be things that I still do not know about myself, that I may have thoughts that are in contrast to my actions. However, this does not eradicate the possibility that there are still things about me that JB do not clearly know. Nonetheless, the need to know and evaluate myself more has been highlighted. I would forever be grateful to JB for being my mirror, especially during times when I am confused with my own self.

JB and I during Camelle Gomez’s debut party last 2017.

I am looking forward to more years of friendship with you, Babe. Thank you.

#social #mirror #social mirror #friendship #camaraderie #john #beyondthelookingglassself #presentationofselfineverydaylife #socialization

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thereisloveinthestars · 5 years ago

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If you see this know I was too scared to give it to you, so I posted it here. Maybe you'll see it and you'll know it's for you.

For starters: I have been meditating, praying, and reading. This is a weird approach to help me cope, and grow into a healthier, happier person. I do hope you read it word for word.

You have always wanted me to pursue my dream of writing, and well, here it is.

This is how you make me feel.

A lot of the days I feel like you hate me, that I'm the worst person in the world. I'm annoying, I'm a leache, I'm the biggest burden in your life. You claim that I'm the most important person to you and you love me more than anyone else, or anything else but your actions don't always prove that. I feel so small because of you at times, and sometimes you make me feel on top of the world. Which is it? Which part is the act and which part is the truth? You tell me you second guess every single I love you, but you don't think you make me do the same? Do you seriously mean it when you say you don't want to break my heart anymore or that it hurts you to see me cry? Do you really fucking mean it? What is the truth?! What the hell do you really mean? Do you even miss me like you claim you do? Do you lay in your bed at night wishing I was the one who was laying beside you? Do you hear a song and automatically think of me? Does your heart break when you think of the times that are lost? Do you cry because I'm no longer yours? What about marriage or babies? Does it break you that those promises are all gone now? That it can't be experienced with me? Do you think of me like I think of you?

Do you even really love me?

I have cried a thousand tears over you, and I continue to do so. Why do I care so much about you, but you show that you care so little about me? I know I have a problem with accepting love, but this is out of my hands. You stopped giving it truly after we first made it official. You stopped trying and you stopped fighting for me. I felt worthless in your eyes, even with a ring on my finger. You can make everyone in the world laugh and smile and feel loved, but how important is it to you to make me do all of that? Is it at all? Because it's really fucking hard to tell. It's so hard to tell. I'm constantly being put on the back burner for everything and I try to do so much for you. No you don't fucking ask me to, but that's how I show my love. I show that I'm here and when you need something or you need ME, I am here. But sometimes it feels pointless because I'm so irrelevant to you. I can't even make you happy, because the second I do you tell me I did something to ruin the fucking moment. And don't say you don't, because you fucking do. I feel like a big ass failure in your eyes and that's because of everything you have fucking said to me. You made me feel this and I let you… I just really thought you loved me… I believed that you really loved me and I thought you still did, but I'm wrong…

I had so much hope, the one thing that helped me survive these shitty ass 23 years of life, and you took that away from me. I feel stupid because I really did trust you… I believed you when you continuously said that I was the one, I was the endgame, even after we broke up. I believed that your love for me outshined your love for anything or anyone else in this world. I believed you. I thought I was your lobster… I really did… and now I feel like it was just a lie.

These are the things that make me feel so unimportant to you. You never want to include me in anything you do, you say you won't include me in everything, but you don't in anything… earlier you even claimed you didn't know you made me feel so low, or so worthless, but EVERY SINGLE TIME I try to explain to you that you make me feel that way or how you do it, you threaten to block me, or tell me how much you don't fucking care. You have your moments, but really I feel like I just don't mean shit to you… you really make me feel like I don't mean shit to you more than I mean something to you. Yes, you have let me live with you and I'm am so grateful that you have given me a roof to stay under, but even when you did that I let you use the car to go see whoever, I went to go buy you things you wanted and needed, and even though you didn't ask me for all of those things, I still felt like I needed to repay you for letting me stay with you. But if I didn't let you use the car, or give you things, or buy you groceries, would I really be here? You wanted a kid from me and I was more than willing to give you one, but you took that from me… you don't even want a baby with me anymore… you keep swearing that I'm something to you, but you call me crazy, a bitch, a cunt, and other things. Yes, I'm unstable and I raise my voice, but I'm not a cunt. I care about you and you fucking know I do… you know I would do anything for you… and you just continue to take things away from me when I try to give you everything. You don't want my love, you don't want me a part of things, you don't even want a baby with me, what am I good for with you now? You know I'll always be here and it could be years from now, I'd drop anything to be with you, and you KNOW that. And I feel like you just wanna take advantage of that… like I'm not anything to you…

I really don't even think I mean that much to you… I just do what you say, and I do the things because I really do care about you… I really do but I don't think you feel that about me…

You have said the meanest things to me and they have stuck in my mind, and you forget about them because you probably don't even think twice or even care, but that shit has stuck with me. Every mean comment, every serious name you've called me, that shit has stuck with me… and whether you want to see it or not, you've said more mean things to me than "I love you's" or "I'm sorrys" … I don't know if you've noticed or if you even care but you have… and I constantly forgive you and I try to believe the I love you's and the "you're the most important person in the world to me", but it's so hard because I hear more negative things about me from you… I know I'm not perfect, and I do have a lot of built up anger, but I'm trying… all I ever wanted to show you and give you was love. I wanted you to know I got you, through all of the bad and all of the good. It didn't matter to me, because you were the one I chose to fight for. Yeah, it's too late, but still. I just wanted you to know that if you ever felt alone or you needed someone and everyone turned their back on you , you had me. But right now, I don't even know if you want me to be that person.

I never thought our life was going to be perfect, but I thought we would actually work out. I thought we would have babies together and love me unconditionally, and I thought we would fight for each other always and never give up on one another. I thought it was us against the world. But I just feel alone now… yeah you're here and you're beside me, but I feel alone and I feel left in the dark. And honestly, I'd rather go through my childhood again than go through this in my adulthood. You might care, you might not. I don't even know the full truth at this point. You might hate me for this, you might cuss me out and swear you don't want even a friendship with me anymore.

I hope not. I hope you know that despite everything I still love you and I'm here. I'll be here if you need cuddles, or someone to cry to. Or even someone to bitch at. I want to be friends, and I still want babies with you. Yes, I want to be with you, but I can't ask for too much. You always said I did, so I'm sorry for that. I really want you in my life, and I want to get better. But I don't think we'll go anywhere if we still have things on our chest. I don't even know if you'll read this, but I hope you do. And I hope you understand. I don't want you to hate me…. I'm really sorry for all the harm I've caused, I just wanted to be there for you and give you love. And I fucked that up. There are reasons I cry so much. Even for the smallest things. I just want to grow with you, but I know I can't (not even by myself) if I don't let this all out. Maybe you'll see everything and actually understand. Maybe you'll feel what I have.

And don't mistake this for anything. I haven't made you feel on top of the world either, and I do want you to express that to me. You have before, but you can really lay everything out. Because if we don't, we can't go anywhere. I won't be mad. I swear. And these aren't the good things you made me feel, because trust me, you've made me feel some amazing things. I just wanted to let the bad out so I can stop dwelling on it. I just want to grow, and maybe this will help. I don't want to resent you anymore. I want to be healthy in my mind and my soul.

You still are my favorite person. And I'm sorry you can't see why I love you so much, but I hope one day you do. I want you in my life, and I want a great friendship with you. I hope we still have babies together and grow old together. I'm looking forward to annoying you when we're in our 80s. I know I'm not perfect, but you always swore I was perfect for you. I wish you could see how perfect you are to me. I'm not writing this to be so negative, I just want to let everything out. The negative parts, because I don't want to hold on to them anymore. They are the past, and I hope our future will be better because I finally let go of the negatives. All of them. You're always going to be my favorite hug, my favorite smile, and my favorite talk. You're so special to me, and you've never seen it. I don't even know what it is about you, there's so much. But I think God did put you in my life for a reason, and I want to keep you there. Maybe we'll still have our beautiful babies and maybe we'll have a healthy relationship. (friends or more, who even knows). I just don't want to hold anymore grudges against you, because you don't deserve that. I don't want to put you down, nor continue to hurt your feelings. I just want to be a laugh and smile for you. I want to be that again. It doesn't have to be the relationship part, I can heal from that and be okay. I want it, yes, but I'll be okay. I just want to be your smile and good time.

I do want to add that whatever you decide: whether you want me as a best friend, co parenting with you, in the future with you as your partner/wife, or if you don't want me in your life at all) I truly pray that you go far in life. You have made a lot of mistakes, but you are by far one of the greatest people I have been blessed to have in my life. I see so much potential in you, I think you can do anything you set your mind to. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. You are full of life and good times, even though I know you struggle sometimes with your thoughts. If it ever gets to that point again, call me. I'll be there in a heartbeat with a Sprite, slim Jim, and some white chocolate. And I will listen and I will hold you and I will tell you that it is going to be okay. I'll even sing you one of the songs (you know what they are, "where are you Christmas on the really bad days). And I will pick you up off of your feet and help you keep going, even if you decide that's the only time you want me or need me. I will be there. I've broken a lot of promises, but that is one I will never break. I love you so much, and you are my goober. Since the beginning, and you still are. I hope this doesn't ruin anything, because as much as you say I do and then I don't, I have ruined a lot. And that is my mistake. I do want a life with you, and I want babies with you, I just needed to let go of my hate. The hate I have for myself, and the hate I had for how you made me feel at times. I can only go up from here, and I just pray you're holding my hand through it. You're my protector, as I am yours. (even though you hate it when I try) but that's the truth. You'll never have to feel so lonely again if you don't want to, as long as I breathe.

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goswagcollectorfire · 5 years ago

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CARLS BLOG: BLUE SKIES OF EL DORADO, ARKANSAS; carlsblog.online; http://sbpra.com/CarlJBarger

2-27-20: Letter from Marion Bradford, Obadiah’s nephew, and Dent’s son

As I folded Henry’s letter and placed it back in the envelope, I bowed my head and thanked God for a wonderful friend. He was the first one I met in Augusta, and he went out of his way to become a good friend. I believe we were destined to become close friends. We could share anything together and not be

afraid that it would be talked about with others. We were there for each other, and above all, he and God saved my life on the operating table in Corinth, Mississippi.

I am so lucky and privileged to have Henry as a friend. If I knew I wouldn’t be jeopardizing the lives of Penelope and I, we would make a quick trip to Atlanta. I agree with Henry, Atlanta is still playing a major role in railroad shipping of supplies to the Deep South.

It was one week later after receiving Henry’s letter that I received a letter from Marion. As I opened his letter, it, too, was thick! He had written on the front and back of each page, just like Henry. His letter was five pages long.

Dear Uncle Obadiah,

I’m trying to be proper in addressing you as uncle, although you’ve always insisted that I call you Obadiah.

Anyway, Father informed me that he made you a promise I would write you at the first opportunity. Well, please know my time as been awfully busy since I returned to Black Oaks Plantation. Since arriving, I’ve gone fishing a few times with Law and Everett. Obadiah, my brothers have grown up. I wouldn’t want to get in a fight with either of them. They are bigger than I am.

Although I’m skinny right now I should gain most of my weight back soon. I’m telling you, Mother is feeding me well. She makes sure I eat three meals a day and sometimes insist I have some of her apple cake and homemade oatmeal raisin cookies in between meals. If all goes well, I should gain my weight back soon.

Law, Everett, and I have been catching several good-sized fish out of the Cahaba River. We have enjoyed some good meals of fish, hushpuppies, and potatoes.

Come on, eat your heart out!

My father hasn’t yet insisted I help at the plantation. I think he’s waiting until I get my health and strength back. He has been extra nice to me. He’s talked to me about going to school. I’m still very interested in becoming a doctor. He tells me when I’m ready he’s got the funds to pay for my schooling.

I would love to go to Harvard University in Boston.

I’ve read nice things about their degree offerings. I’ve not allowed myself to get too excited because the war is still raging on. I doubt seriously that a boy from the South who served in the Confederate Army would be admitted to such a prestigious University.

I feel certain that I’m finished with this awful war.

Before being released at Vicksburg, every man had to sign a form saying he would not enter the Confederate Army again. I plan to obey that agreement. I guess if I wanted to fight again for the Confederacy that the Union

Army couldn’t stop me. That’s not going to happen in my case. I signed that Union agreement without batting an eye. I wasn’t then, nor would I ever be interested in reentering this awful, brutal, bloody war.

I never knew from day to day if I’d be killed. I’ve seen my buddies die right beside me. I wondered several times if the next bullet fired would hit me between the eyes. Obadiah, it was just awful. I know you understand where I’m coming from since you had first-hand experience at Shiloh and Corinth.

I was never so happy to hear that General Pemberton finally surrendered to General Grant. Although we didn’t know what Grant was going to do with us, we were just tired and hungry.

There were times we killed rats and ate them. I swear, I will never eat another dirty stinking rat. Although it was either that or starve to death. I didn’t want to die!

I wish you could see my beautiful sister, Mary Catherine. She has certainly grown into beautiful young lady.

Father is so strict on her. He doesn’t allow her to go out on dates yet. Since arriving back at Black Oaks, I’ve escorted her to a community dance in Selma. She was the hit of the party. She reminds me of Aunt Audrey. She danced with every available unmarried gentleman at the community dance. She had the time of her life, and not like me, she does a great job at dancing. She never seems to wear down.

I’m not a good dancer, as you know, but I did get one or two dances in with her between those who were about to fight to see who was getting the next dance.

You know so well that Mary Catherine adores you.

I’m hoping Father might agree to let me and Mary Catherine come spend some time with you and Grandmother in El Dorado.

After returning home from Vicksburg, Father shared with me about their trip to El Dorado. He made it sound so exciting, the steamboat travel, your town celebration, good Southern fried chicken, the big homecoming event at Three Oaks, and your beautiful plantation. He related also he had never seen a couple happier than you and Penelope. He also indicated that he’d never observed Grandmother Bradford being so happy and, in such a, good mood. He went so far as to say, he wouldn’t mind living in El Dorado himself!

He also mentioned the camping and fishing trips you men made to Little Calion Creek. As he told his story, I could just feel and see the sand dunes, the cooking of the fish over a campfire, and the sleeping in the tents.

Oh, how I would have enjoyed being there. Please let me know when a good time would be for you and Penelope to have some company.

This is the longest letter I’ve written in my life. I hope you don’t get bored reading it.

I feel so blessed being back home in Dallas County and with my family at Black Oaks. God always took care of me . He’s been good to me, and He’s protected me in the heated skirmishes during the siege of Vicksburg.

Why, I don’t know, but I’m grateful, and I’ve thanked Him so many times in my prayers.

Obadiah, you too, have been a blessing to me as I’ve grown from boyhood to adulthood. You need to know you are my favorite uncle. You’ve always shown a genuine interest in me. Your kindness and attention always made me feel secure around you. Your ambition to become a doctor has inspired me to become a doctor.

Your everyday faith in God has always amazed me. Your example of Christianity is unquestionable.

I’ve watched you set the example for all of us by respecting God’s word in not taking advantage of Penelope when you could have easily done so. She was your slave, and you could have done anything you wanted with her, yet you didn’t. You played it God’s way. You may not realize it, but people were watching you all the time. They were waiting for you to mess up, but you never did. You held the course, and God, in the end, gave you the prize. I truly mean every word I’ve written. God bless you, Obadiah! I pray I’ll be able to pattern my future years after you.

While at Vicksburg, I prayed a lot. I recognized I was nothing in myself, but with my savior, Jesus Christ, I was everything.

It is my Heavenly Father who gives me the air I breathe, the water I drink, the food I eat, and provides me with my every need. I just wanted you to know these things. It’s because of Him that I live!

My Love to all,

Marion James Bradford

By the second week in September, the temperature was still hot. We had gotten a few rain showers, which cooled things down for short periods of time, but by midafternoon the temperature would be back in the high nineties. The crops at Three Oaks look good. We should have a bumper crop of cotton, corn, and beans.

Hank had two slaves who suffered dehydration and are currently recuperating back at their houses. I’ve examined both and feel they will be able to go back to work as soon as their body fluids are replenished. The biggest problem we have during hot days is getting our slaves to drink ample water.

Today I examined my beautiful, pregnant wife. Yes, I like to refer to her as my pregnant wife. She is showing every sign of carrying a boy. If she continues to gain weight, he could be a big one. As I was examining her today, the baby gave her a big kick.

“Oh, give me your hand, Obadiah,” she said grabbing my hand and quickly placing it in the area where the baby had kicked.

“Oh, there it goes again! Did you feel it?” she said with excitement.

“Yes, I did! What a kick!” I said.

“Oh, Obadiah, I’m so excited!”

“How do you feel?”

“I feel great! I don’t know why some people don’t want to be pregnant. I never felt so good!”

I believe she meant every word. As I’ve said before, she radiates that expression all over her face. Her complexion is beautiful. She smiled all the time.

As of late, we lie in bed with my hand on her stomach. She always wants me to feel the baby kick. We discuss possible names for the baby and why we feel those names are appropriate for a Southern doctor’s son or daughter. Neither one of us expects this baby to be a girl.

Since Penelope is carrying the baby low and is constantly hungry and wanting to eat, plus the active kicking, we are convinced the baby will be a boy.

Penelope is so funny. She keeps me laughing with her mannerisms and the things she says. I love being with her. I know without a doubt our baby is getting the best mother in the world.

Penelope has waited a long time to become a mother.

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theinternetismylyfe-blog · 6 years ago

Text

Travel gave me back my confidence after I was diagnosed with a chronic illness

Growing up, travel was the highlight of my year. My mom was an expert at planning vacations that took us off the beaten path. We'd visit far flung locations where friendly local residents were completely unaccustomed to seeing American tourists. We never stayed in ritzy hotels or expensive regions-my mom's goal for us to become immersed in local culture as much as one can on a two-week trip.

When I was 13, I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. Dual diagnoses of PTSD and anxiety disorder soon followed. I was hospitalized multiple times throughout middle school and high school, but even then, travel still remained something I looked forward to. With my mom in charge of all the planning, I didn't have to worry about those pesky logistics and felt safe surrounded by family, regardless of what country we happened to be in.

I continued to struggle with health issues throughout college, but I was doing well enough that I could spend my junior academic year in London. I quickly formed a close group of friends and we did everything together, from exploring our temporary home city to traveling through Europe.

But there was one difference between my friends and me: They had no qualms or anxiety about adventuring alone or planning our trips. I was a different story.

My anxiety and PTSD had taken a firm grip on me, and I began to suffer from panic attacks. The public transit system in London is easy to use, but I still had an irrational fear of somehow getting lost and wandering the streets aimlessly for hours if I chose to explore the city on my own. (Never mind the fact that cabs were more than plentiful-my anxiety had no interest in facts.) If it hadn't been for my friends, I would never have had the opportunity to travel to Barcelona, Rome, Amsterdam, Prague, and other beautiful European cities. The most independent thing I did was stay by myself at a hostel in Florence when I visited a friend who was living with a host family during her own junior year abroad.

After graduating college, travel fell off my radar for quite a while-primarily for financial reasons. I moved to New York City (just two hours away from my hometown in Connecticut), so the cost of living didn't exactly leave much room for vacation money.

Yukinori Hasumi/Getty Images

Anxiety and PTSD remained my constant companions, but a new health problem arose. I began to experience physical symptoms that were at times debilitating-extreme fatigue, joint and muscle pain, unexplained fevers, and skin rashes.

I went to multiple doctors, asking to be tested for autoimmune illnesses (they run in my family), but I was dismissed and told that my symptoms were simply a result of my mental health issues.

In 2015, I took a major leap and moved across the country to Seattle, where I still live now. I didn't know anyone in my new city when I moved, but I craved a fresh start and a clean slate. I spent hours exploring neighborhoods on my own, and people who had lived here for years joked that I'd seen more of Seattle than they had. Looking back, this was the first sign that solo travel would have a role in my future-I loved Seattle immediately and formed a wonderful group of friends.

But my health worsened. A year after moving here, I was raped by a stranger at a concert afterparty, and my confidence and sense of empowerment hit the floor.

My physical health continued to deteriorate to the point that I could sleep for 16 hours a day and still feel exhausted. My body constantly ached. My fevers spiked to 103 so frequently that I stopped being alarmed when I looked at the thermometer. Once again, I became afraid to stray far from my apartment alone. What if I became dizzy and passed out? What if I suffered a panic attack?

After seeing way more doctors than I should have, I was finally diagnosed with a severe autoimmune illness. Thanks to medication, acupuncture, and medical massages, I stabilized. And thanks to therapy, my mental health stabilized, too. Plus, now that I had established my career and was living in a city with a lower cost of living than New York, I had some spending money in my bank account. Last summer, I decided to use it to buy myself a birthday present: A solo trip to Santa Barbara, California. It wasn't far or particularly ambitious, but it was a first step. It was up to me to do all the planning and set up the itinerary. I felt a thrill as I began to plan.

Caitlin Flynn

The trip was low-key, but I had an absolutely amazing time. I spent every moment exploring and only returned to my hotel to shower after a hike, change for dinner, and go to bed.

Something else had happened right before I left for Santa Barbara-I'd been invited on a trip to Monterey where I'd learn to drive race cars at Laguna Seca Raceway. I wavered. Driving on the street is one of my anxiety triggers and I only drive about twice a year (when I'm at home in suburban Connecticut). But I couldn't turn down what I knew would be a once in a lifetime opportunity. I reminded myself of Tina Fey's words of wisdom: “Say yes and you'll figure it out afterwards.”

The trip happened to be directly after my Santa Barbara getaway. I flew from Santa Barbara to Monterey, then headed to the raceway the next day. I won't lie; when I got in the race car, panic set in and I seriously considered feigning illness and heading back to the hotel. But I talked myself off the ledge and, with the help of an amazing instructor, I spent over three hours speeding around Laguna Seca Raceway, enjoying the challenge and the stunning views. When I texted the photos to my family and friends, they couldn't believe it.

Caitlin Flynn

In the year since my first foray into solo travel, I've been lucky enough to continue to take amazing trip-sometimes completely on my own, and sometimes with other journalists. With every new adventure, I feel even more invigorated, empowered, and hungry to continue traveling and experiencing new things. In January I headed to Utah where I learned to ski on the slopes where the 2002 Olympic Games took place, and in May I swallowed my fear of heights and went zip-lining. Much to my surprise, I absolutely loved both activities.

Caitlin Flynn

Every time I challenge myself to try something new, I experience anxiety and thoughts such as “What the hell did I get myself into?” And every single time, I push through those anxieties and intrusive thoughts,

I feel a new sense of confidence.

Caitlin Flynn

These days, my friends and I joke that the Seattle airport is my second home. But none of this is to say that my anxiety is gone-and neither is my autoimmune illness, which has at times flared up while I'm traveling. The flareups scare me because I'm far from my treatment team. Sometimes, I'm in foreign countries where navigating the health care system would be extremely difficult if an emergency arose.

But it's more than worth it, and I'm no longer scared by the idea of handling these issues if I'm traveling solo. It would, of course, be extremely stressful and unpleasant, but I know I'm capable. And that's what matters. In fact, I now prefer traveling alone because I get to be in control of the itinerary. When I do my research before a trip, I know that I can spend as much or as little time at each site as I like.

In July, I took my first cruise to the Bahamas with Royal Caribbean. I was given the option of bringing a companion, and I initially planned to bring my best friend. Then she had to back out when she got a new job. As much as I love traveling with her, it was fine with me that I'd be alone. There's always a next time (she and I make excellent travel companions) and there's always an upside to solo travel. I was disappointed when my asthma flared up on the second day of the trip and I had to miss out on snorkeling, but I was spending the day on a private island with a good book in my hand.

I focused on my breathing and my absolutely stunning surroundings, just as my doctors and I had practiced, and things were more than okay.

Caitlin Flynn

When my flareups and panic attacks occur during travel, I remind myself of how far I've come and how capable I am of handling any speed bumps that will inevitably occur once in awhile.

Just a year ago I was nervously sitting at SeaTac waiting for my flight to Santa Barbara, wondering if I'd spend the whole trip sitting in my hotel room because I was afraid of getting lost. Today, I'm sitting in my apartment planning a solo trip to Amsterdam and my biggest concern is finding the cheapest flight possible.

I loved Amsterdam when I visited in college, but this time I'm going alone. Every detail of planning is my responsibility. A year ago, that would have terrified me. Today, all I can think is, “This trip can't come soon enough.”

***

Spending so many years battling mental and physical illnesses takes a significant toll on the body, mind, and brain.

I'd become so convinced that a flareup or panic attack would be unmanageable if it happened outside my apartment or in a public space where I was alone. I gave up my independence. They say the first step is usually the hardest one to take, and that was certainly true in my case. I never imagined that my birthday trip to the small city of Santa Barbara would turn into a life of constant travel. My anxiety and autoimmune illness definitely don't always cooperate, but dealing with the rough days is more than worth it. I am grateful for all the opportunities I've had to face my fears, to embrace each new city, state, and country that I'm lucky enough to visit.

The post Travel gave me back my confidence after I was diagnosed with a chronic illness appeared first on HelloGiggles.

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tothe-tooth-blog · 6 years ago

Text

Travel gave me back my confidence after I was diagnosed with a chronic illness

But there was one difference between my friends and me: They had no qualms or anxiety about adventuring alone or planning our trips. I was a different story.

Yukinori Hasumi/Getty Images

I went to multiple doctors, asking to be tested for autoimmune illnesses (they run in my family), but I was dismissed and told that my symptoms were simply a result of my mental health issues.

But my health worsened. A year after moving here, I was raped by a stranger at a concert afterparty, and my confidence and sense of empowerment hit the floor.

Caitlin Flynn

The trip was low-key, but I had an absolutely amazing time. I spent every moment exploring and only returned to my hotel to shower after a hike, change for dinner, and go to bed.

Caitlin Flynn

I feel a new sense of confidence.

Caitlin Flynn

I focused on my breathing and my absolutely stunning surroundings, just as my doctors and I had practiced, and things were more than okay.

Caitlin Flynn

When my flareups and panic attacks occur during travel, I remind myself of how far I've come and how capable I am of handling any speed bumps that will inevitably occur once in awhile.

***

Spending so many years battling mental and physical illnesses takes a significant toll on the body, mind, and brain.

The post Travel gave me back my confidence after I was diagnosed with a chronic illness appeared first on HelloGiggles.

0 notes

inkundu1 · 6 years ago

Text

Travel gave me back my confidence after I was diagnosed with a chronic illness

But there was one difference between my friends and me: They had no qualms or anxiety about adventuring alone or planning our trips. I was a different story.

Yukinori Hasumi/Getty Images

I went to multiple doctors, asking to be tested for autoimmune illnesses (they run in my family), but I was dismissed and told that my symptoms were simply a result of my mental health issues.

But my health worsened. A year after moving here, I was raped by a stranger at a concert afterparty, and my confidence and sense of empowerment hit the floor.

Caitlin Flynn

The trip was low-key, but I had an absolutely amazing time. I spent every moment exploring and only returned to my hotel to shower after a hike, change for dinner, and go to bed.

Caitlin Flynn

I feel a new sense of confidence.

Caitlin Flynn

I focused on my breathing and my absolutely stunning surroundings, just as my doctors and I had practiced, and things were more than okay.

Caitlin Flynn

When my flareups and panic attacks occur during travel, I remind myself of how far I've come and how capable I am of handling any speed bumps that will inevitably occur once in awhile.

***

Spending so many years battling mental and physical illnesses takes a significant toll on the body, mind, and brain.

The post Travel gave me back my confidence after I was diagnosed with a chronic illness appeared first on HelloGiggles.

0 notes