#paradoxnbstuff

[coloursofaparadox]

hey this is a real fuckin good video and i was surprised at how much i related to it the other way around. like. an INSANE amount. more shit under the cut bc makeup and gender are two things I always love talking about

i used to do like. FULL makeup. almost every day once i knew how to. especially since i worked full time w lots of people. including contour. because i felt like VIOLENTLY uncomfortable most of the time w my face shape if i didnt. and honestly the biggest thing i did w makeup everyday was contour? and let me fucking tell u its not an easy halfassed ‘throw on some blush and go’ thing contour is actually difficult and time consuming and takes effort and skill and my fucking god is it exhausting to feel like your choice is to contour or to go outside without it and look like a cis female. the list of things of i used to contour is like nearly everything like in order from most important to least: jawline (HUGE amount), cheekbones, brow, nose, and sometimes forehead. and im so fuckin glad t does as much as it does for face shape. so glad. its not even something i knew i wanted because id convinced myself i could do it all with makeup so it was fine. and like. to an extent thats okay? but same as how she talks about in the video i linked its absolutely exhausting to have to do that just to make your face look like it should every day. and thats not a vanity thing!! theres some shit i do for vanity like eye makeup? and colourful things? but the majority of stuff i used makeup for was for trying to contour my face to relieve dysphoria. and. for someone who honestly? has historically loved the beauty in looking natural as much as possible for so long (no bashing to makeup i fuckin love makeup for self expression and colour) it was. something to adjust to. my investment in makeup over time was an almost direct correlation with my awareness of dysphoria. 

and now that ive been on t for over a year? its still slow going bc i was on a very low dose for a while by choice but its been long enough that without me really noticing until i look back and compare, my face looks so different. so much better. still me, obviously, but the me i was constantly trying to recreate by force with makeup before. and now i dont have to. the only thing i still do noticeably to make myself look more masc is my eyebrows? i always notice that i look significantly more masc if i fill in/darken my eyebrows but thats also something i just do anyways by choice bc i fucking L O V E it so who knows.

the one struggle im still having is tbfh i would prefer to...not wear full coverage foundation/skin coverage. like. if i had the choice i would almost always choose natural skin. it feels so much better to me. but. with testosterone for a lot of people comes skin problems. and im getting them under control very slowly but there is a big big difference between ‘a little and manageable amount of acne’ and ‘no acne’ so. im still wearing foundation. every day. but. ive been making efforts to go for a ‘less is more’ approach. so i only do just enough concealer and foundation on the bits that i need it. which is usually just around my chin and mouth area now? and minor enough that i dont even need that much. and am finding ways to use even less as my skin gets better and better. and on rare days when my skin is behaving and i can wear next to nothing it is s o  g o o d. im looking forward to when i can do that more often.

so. ye. idk. point of this is that i relate a lot more than i thought to that video even tho i didnt get surgery? bc quite often t does a lot more for ur face shape than e does i believe post puberty. since ive been in so much less constant discord with how i look ive been doing such more natural and minor makeup than before and feeling so so much less stressed and anxious about it. and its not something i even fully thought about till now but i am incredibly grateful now that i have. like. fuck. the amount of anxiety it used to cause me compounded by the amount of time and effort it took to feel just comfortable enough in my own skin to leave the house was. insane. and i almost dont have that any more. at all. its fuckin amazing and is something i wish everyone can have bc jesus. at my 1 year hrt appointment (im usually pretty nervous and reserved?) my doctor asked me if T had improved my quality of life and almost before he was done asking I said yes. 100 percent. there is no doubt whatsoever. fuck. god.

anyways. thats. a rant. if u also have the same v niche interests that i do it might be interesting. cool bye.

[coloursofaparadox]

I'm not taking a picture of this 'un bc I think it might be pushing even my very very ethereal boundaries for what I will and won't put on Tumblr but my dudes

i now have a v e r y nice ass

i seem to be finally getting an actually noticeable amount of body fat redistrib from t and I have been waiting for this bc dear GOD i actually have really tiny hips but fat patterns are a menace! so that plus biking plus working out and running etc = vERY nice rather masculine posterior and I am THRILLED