#yes were all overweight nobody's not aware of that fact

[rinofwater]

My dad saying everyone in this house could stand to just not eat for a couple days is living rent-free in my head still

*sigh*

[delta-for-change]

August

Many think August is the start of Autumn, of cold whispers and haunted dreams, but they are wrong. August is the month of boldness. It’s the time when the sun beats down the hottest, when ocean waves are the strongest, and when winds are the most chaotic. This is the month where change is decided, where the old gods are separated from the new. 

So, July was... okay. Some things worked out, some didn’t. I struggled most at the end of the month as well as when outside forces were mentally draining me. More importantly, I’ve finally gotten access to a scale and discovered I’m actually 10lbs heavier than I thought. Thus, to factor for all of the above information, I’ve made a better, stricter plan; my goals have changed to better suit my needs. Heavy Trigger Warning. This is going to be long. 

Before I list out my truth for this month, the ‘you’ I reference throughout the post is ‘me/I.’ These are some of the goals I have for the month, and they are not meant to pertain to anyone else. Please do not follow my diet plan as it is not made for you. If you’d ever like to talk, feel free to send an ask or a DM my way. Recovery is the best option. 

STATS:   → Height: 5′1  → CW: 140.4lbs/63kg  → BMI: 26.5 By AUGUST 31st...   ✩ CW: 131lbs/59kg  ✩ BMI: 24.7 I hope to lose 9lbs this month, putting me back to what I thought my SW was. I will also once again be under 60kg w a healthy BMI range rather than overweight. 

ROUTINE:   ⚇ Morning Routine  ⚇ Daily Planning  ⚇ Exercise  ☉ Productivity towards house  ☉ Productivity towards application  ⚉ Shower   ⚉ Read  ⚉ Night Routine WEIGHT LOSS:    ⇥ Daily kcal limit: 1000 ((7,000 per week. 31,000 total))   ⇥ This means no more binge/cheat days. Those don’t work for you. You use them as an excuse to go ham in your kitchen which makes you take two steps back and negatively impacts your mental health. If you overeat one day, account for it - you know it won’t ruin your progress. Just be aware.  ⇥ Speaking of being aware, track every day. Tracking will help you understand yourself and your body better.   ⇥ Try the One Bite Method. All you need is one bite to satiate yourself. You’re not craving any food; you’re craving that big boost of serotonin - that disappears after the first bite. So, if you want ice cream, don’t make yourself a bowl, make yourself a spoonful.   ⇥ Fast +24hrs, minimum once a week.   ⇥ Before your first bite of the day, you must drink a full bottle (16.9 fl oz) of water. Water is going to help with your skin, help you wake up, and give you a feeling of fullness before breakfast.   ⇥ Do not eat after 10pm.   ⇥ If you’re tired and it’s past 11pm, go to sleep - don’t snack.   ⇥ High protein, low carb, medium fat. Yes, this will be difficult, but you can do it. The most important thing to focus on is the protein - aim for >60g a day, or >50%. Carbs should be <20g. Fats aim for >30g per day.  ⇥ To follow through with this diet, absolutely no refined sugar. In fact, keep your sugar intake low (fruits are fine).   ⇥ Your plates must not only look appetizing but also have a good balance. Thus, you must eat one (1) fruit or one (1) veggie per meal. Yes, this also means you have to account for more calories.  ⇥ Avoid oil, added fats, and butters. Never use to cook, only flavor.  ⇥ Never eat while making yourself food. If you need to taste-test something, do so, but don’t overdo yourself - and don’t forget to track those calories, infinitesimal as they may be.  ⇥ Never go back for seconds.   ⇥ Drink +2L water daily.  ⇥ Exercise Daily. This can be any sort of activity that gets your blood moving, including walking, running, dancing, stretching, workout routines, yoga, etc. On days you fast, heavy workouts are not necessary, but you still must remain active in some way.   ⇥ Finally, eat because you must, not because you want. Never eat when bored, only eat when hungry. You can control your cravings. You can control what and when you eat. All you need to do is remain consistent and vigilant.   

BUSINESS:  ⇥ Always have a To Do list for the day; always have a plan, and always plan to be productive.   ⇥ Use the “touch it once” approach. If you have something to do, just sit down and do it. Squash it and be done. Don’t procrastinate.   ⇥ Be friendly and outgoing towards your coworkers. I know it’s scary and difficult, but nobody is judging you except yourself. Being kind and extroverted will only benefit you.   ⇥ Read min. 30min per day. Instead of scrolling through your phone before bed, open a book. Try to read two books or more this month.   ⇥ Study min. 1hr per day. This can be anything, but ideally it is prep.  ⇥ Give everyone, including yourself, the best ‘impression’ you can give. 

If I follow through with my above rules, I should easily reach 131lbs by the end of the month. I’m already so distraught over how heavy I actually am and how much more difficult it will be to achieve my goals. I must get there, and I’m running out of time. There are only 146 days until Christmas. 20 weeks. 304 days until June 1st 2021. 43 weeks. No time. I must get there. I will get there. I will be the greatest version of myself I can be.  Now, by the end of August, I will have:  ✪ Reached 131lbs  ✪ Finished all college-due assignments and prepared ahead ✪ Fasted +24hrs four times (totaling >96hrs) ✪ Followed all of my above rules to the best of my abilities  ✪ Read 5 books ✪ Brought joy and camaraderie within my communities  ✪ Improved myself. 

If I do not complete the above, I will have failed both my friends, family, and coworkers, my future life, and, most importantly, I will have failed myself. Therefore, I have no intentions of failing. If I cannot do this- the bare minimum- I cannot do anything.  REMEMBER...    ❂ Always apply yourself. Manifest your goals. If you don’t wake up with determination in your heart and strength in your soul, your goals will never come to fruition.  ❂ This period of time is of growth. Your happiness is the most important thing.  ❂ Improve yourself every day. Don’t worry so much about giving a bad impression, just do everything you can to the best of your abilities.  ❂ Above all, care for your soul. Without it, your physical being has no meaning. Your soul drives you; keep it sacred. And remember, the pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow.  

[kpop-pick-me-up]

So, can I say something real quick about Kpop idols?

This has been a thought on my mind basically since I joined the Kpop community, and I know some people might react weird or not understand what I'm trying to say but that doesn't matter to me. Putting this out there does.

*ahem* NO KPOP IDOL IVE SEEN PEOPLE CALL CHUBBY IS ACTUALLY CHUBBY.*ahem*

Like for real. I see posts talking about how Suga's cheeks get chubbier on break, and how Haechan's cheeks have gotten chubbier, or "before" and "after" pictures of idols who have gone on a diet and people saying "I miss when they were chubby" like.... They never were and they aren't. This is just what they'd actually look like if they got a normal amount of sleep, ate like a normal human, and didn't dance for 4-12 hours a day. That's not chubby, that's how they'd naturally look.

Chubby, to me means that a person is slightly overweight, or that they're a healthy weight but naturally softer and can look more fuller. Which is all beautiful. And I'm aware this can be a culture difference because of how idols are expected to be thin and perfect but sometimes when I look at them I just think about how unhealthy some (not all) of them must be physically.

Because on a mini tangent: when someone eats so little amount of food for so long and is they are always in a caloric deficit (so let's say youre recommended amount to maintain your weight is 2000, but you constantly eat 1500, or 1200-1400 calories a day) their metabolism adapts so that it's natural state of burning to maintain IS 1500 or 1200-1400. So they'd HAVE to eat less to lose weight, or fix their metabolism by slowly increasing their food intake so their metabolism can adjust to a normal amount of food again. But to do that their weight would plateau or they'd even gain a little bit. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with an idol gaining weight or doing any of this, except for the fact that they'd be called "fat" by the media. Nobody actually seems to care about an idol's health. And imagine what calling them "chubby" does to them when it's just them eating normally. Why do you THINK idols always go on strict diets before a comeback? Because they know that if they eat normally people would know and call them chubby. And I'm not saying this offends them, but I know that I would feel so pressured and judged subconsciously to eat less and lose the "chubbiness" because the media must see it too if fans do.

And I know some idols don't care or even just say they don't care (but trust me, they probably do), and I know some of you guys don't mean to hurt their feelings and just mean to say it innocently, it still encourages this unhealthy mindset that all idols MUST be borderline unhealthy, and just BARELY a healthy weight or diet amount. This gives their employers a reason to make them do those crazy restricted diets (ice cube diet, or the IU diet for example) and force them to lose weight because they KNOW and SEE what you do as well, and can see when you comment on it.

To put this into a different perspective as well, as someone who's been struggling with an eating disorder, looking at really thin idols like Jimin, Suga, Haechan, etc who all weigh less than me and are taller than me and to see them called "chubby" kicked my mind into comparison mode and said "then I must be HUGE." Or "I won't ever officially be skinny or pretty until I weigh the same as them or less" because that's how a sick mind works. So not only does this infect the idols minds and encourage the bad mindset, but it can infect their fans minds to think that they aren't good enough.

I've never wanted to point fingers at this because I love it so much, but I can't be a fucking liar anymore and hide behind it because I want to get better, and I'm tired of believing that I'm too big, or that I'll always be chubby until I'm 90lbs like all the female Kpop idols. But sometimes the Kpop fandom can trigger my eating disorder. There, I said it. Fight me. Because you call thin idols chubby, and you implant this way of thinking that how they eat is okay, and that weighing 90lbs and eating 1200 calories a day is a lifestyle or that constantly restricting and not focusing on nutrients or what body type I am is how life works because IT ISNT. Some people may be that naturally, but the fact that some idols noticably change a little bit when they eat normally on breaks shows that how they are on stage isn't natural.

And to end this off as a disclaimer again, I know people don't mean to be triggering, and they don't think there's anything wrong in what they're doing (which I understand), but you also have to really take a second to think about what you're saying a little bit. Chubby is a word that is either black or white to people. Either they think it's cute, or they think it's an insult. That all depends on culture and self esteem and blah blah blah. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being chubby, or that it's a bad thing to be because it is definitely NOT and I think everyone is beautiful how they're meant to be. So of you're 90lbs or 140, or 180, or 200+ or anything in between naturally you're all still beautiful and have your own necessary standards to consume to be healthy that will be different from everyone else. However, that is where the issue lies. Because most idols weren't born as thin as they are, they are usually forced and conditioned to be that way. But to help you decide whether it's okay to make these comments, ask yourself this when you're about to call an idol chubby:

1: am I calling them chubby because they're "eating well" (a normal diet) and they've started filling out?

2:Would I like it if someone I loved, respected or whom I cared about their opinion called me "chubby" after finally getting off of a restricted diet and just eating healthy but normal amounts of food?

3: If I was a Kpop media outlet and saw that they gained weight, what would I write? (Really put yourself in their shoes and be honest.)

4: Am I calling them chubby cheeks because they're just puffing them out and being cute? (Then okay, it's fine)

5: when I say this, are they really chubby? Or has my mind been twisted to think they are just like their critics?

And I know that may seem extreme, but that's how it is. You all preach about how self love should be more important in the "toxic" Kpop industry but still subconsciously encourage its toxic behavior. So instead of comments like "omg your cheeks are so chubby now! <3" or "awwww look at his tummy he gained!" Say: "Omg, you look so healthy! ", " You've been looking extra cute recently 😍" and stuff like that. Because it still gets the point across that you like seeing them healthier, but it doesn't use possibly triggering words like chubby or thick because they are neither.

Anyways that's my mini rant. I don't mean to trigger people, or point fingers because I used to do it too. But I think we all need to collectively recognize this as part of the issue, and say, "huh, maybe that could hurt their feelings a little but EVEN IF I DONT MEAN TO, OR ITS NORMAL WHERE IM FROM TO SAY AS A COMPLIMENT"

Because as one of my favorite quotes puts it in words perfectly "You don't get to decide whether you hurt someone or not." So yes, people like me are sensitive, and yes, it may not seem like a big deal to you. But honestly I've sat by and respected all of your guy's opinions and words for a while now, and I think it's now okay for me to say "hey, this kind of bugs me a bit." Without being looked at as weird or annoying.

So in the nicest way possible, say what you want, but I'm not taking this down. I've made myself clear and as understanding as possible. But people like me who have an eating disorder, had one in the past, or are on the road to developing one, or someone who is about to start one of the insane Kpop diets, needs to know that this isn't normal. And they shouldn't compare themselves to the unhealthy kpop standards like it did.

Anyways, thanks for listening to my rant.

~DeepSheep

[omnifalls-10]

Omni Falls Chapter 1: 10 and Up

Gravity Falls, Oregon. This place seems normal to average tourists, but in all honesty, they wouldn't be wrong. The town itself is surrounded by pine trees, where the forest is home to various wildlife and other….inhabitants, there is a town square with multiple buildings used for business across the various areas and town hall near the town square. Average town, average people, and average day-to-day life, right? Aside from this, there’s one place where an individual will see when they come to this sleepy town: the Mystery Shack.

The Mastery Shack is simply a tourist trap. This shop is able to attract many visitors with its absurd legends and lore, yet somehow this business is able to make a large profit each time a group of gullible tourists would come by to get souvenirs and knick-knacks. The one that leads this business was “Mr. Mystery” himself, Stan Pines. He is a skilled con artist who is able to keep this shack running through lucrative means and has no shame in it, so long as he managed to make some cash. Honestly, he is rather content with this lifestyle for 30 years. 

That is until his nephew and niece, Dipper and Mabel Pines arrived. The twins were bought by their parents believing they needed to be outside more and figured going to stay with their great uncle was a good idea.

The twins themselves see things differently in life: Mabel was a ball of sunshine and energy, Dipper was more critical thinking, Mabel was free-spirited while her twin brother was more self-conscious. Despite these polarities, their bond remains tightly-wound and has been ever since. The twins have different views of being in this town so far. For Mabel, she seems to have no problem with where she was; she took it in happiness and stride, whether it’s having splinters in her hands or a goat chomping on her sweater, she doesn’t let it bother. Dipper, on the other hand, felt on edge since he first got here. He couldn’t explain it in words but he just feels like the weirdness he felt for this town was like an itch. An itch that he can’t scratch. Despite this, Stan seemed to not care and was focused on his tourist trapping, to which he and Mabel work as an extra set of hands for his business.

As business is slow in the shop, one of the Pine Twins takes this as an opportunity to finally find a summer romance, as Mabel hides behind a row of Stan-bobbleheads. She peeks to see one boy reading her note aloud.

"Uh…..Do you like me? Yes? Definitely? Absolutely?", the boy reads, confused as he looks around to see who gave him the note.

"I rigged it!", Mabel whispers to herself, excited and proud her plan worked. She's on a roll. Dipper is wiping a jar as he looks at her congratulating herself.

"Mabel", Dipper states, finishing clean, "I get that you're in this "Boy Crazy" phase, but you're really overdoing it with the crazy part."

Mabel turns her head to her twin, incredulous to his claim. "What?", she scoffs, blowing a raspberry at her brother, "Come on, Dipper. This is our first summer away from home. It's my big chance to get an epic summer romance."

"I know”, Dipper replies, “But does this really mean you have to be attracted to every boy you see?”

Dipper isn’t really wrong about this. Since Mabel got her, she’s been constantly vying for the attention for every boy that came her into peripheral vision and most of them ended in either a.) the boys being more confused about what’s going on, b.) they would be uncomfortable by her presence, or c.) they would run away from her. Is she truly not self-aware about what she does that constantly, Dipper isn’t really sure. He really doesn’t understand why she’s doing this, it is the beginning of summer. She had time.

“Mock all you want, brother” Mabel pouts, not allowing her brother’s deter her from her goal “But I got a good feeling this summer. I wouldn’t be surprised if the man of my dreams walked through that door right now.” To her disgust and to her twin’s humor, the man of dreams turns out to be her grunkle, who is choking on his own burp.

“Hey, I need someone to go hammer up these signs in the spooky part of the forest.”, Stan demands, holding up Mystery Shack direction signs. 

“Not it!”, the Pine twins reply quickly, expressing their reluctance to do something foolish.

“Uh, also not it.”, Soos, the Hispanic overweight handyman of the Mystery Shack, answers at the last minute. Stan stares at his employee with uninterested eyes. “I didn’t ask you, Soos”, he drones.

“I know’, Soos admits, as he pulls out a chocolate bar to eat. “And I’m okay with that.” Stan just facepalms in annoyance as no one is willing to take this task, so he turns to his other employee in hopes she would do it.

“Wendy!”, the boss calls out to his adolescent employee. “I need you to put signs in the forest for me!” Woefully, the young redhead is too invested in her magazine reading to do anything. “I mean, I would but” she grunts as she makes a pitiful attempt to reach, being too lazy to actually do it. “Too...far...to….reach...it”

“I’d fire all of you if I could.”, he grumbled, as nobody wanted to do this task. Well, it’s a good thing that you have family to help you out, right? The boss of the Mystery Shack to pick one of the Twins. “Okay, let’s make it……”, Stan starts to choose, swiping his finger between the Dipper and Mabel, “Eenie….meenie…..miney…..you.” His finger lands on Dipper, who is in disbelief at his grunkle’s choice.

“What? Grunkle Stan, whenever I’m in the woods, I feel like I’m being watched”, he explains, feeling unnerved doing this, much to his grunkle’s irritation.

“Ugh, this again”, Stan rolls his eyes.

“I’m serious.”, he insists, “Something is weird in this town. Just today, my mosquito bites spelled out ‘BEWARE’” He pulls up his sleeve to show his grunkle. Stan leans down and squints to read the marks.

“That says ‘BEWARB’’, Stan corrects his nephew, who scratches in either in embarrassment or because it itches a bit. He sighs and gets down on a knee, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Look, kid”, he explains to his nephew, “The whole "monsters in the forest" thing is just a local legend, drummed up by guys like me to sell merch to guys like that.” He points to a sweaty tourist, who was way too invested in a bobblehead in his hand. Having made his point across, he gives the signs to Dipper. “So quit being paranoid and put up the signs!”

__________________________________________________________________

Klunk-Klunk-Klunk!

Dipper couldn’t believe he’s doing this. Not only does his grunkle not believe what he was saying about the sensation that he got from being in this town, but he also forced him into putting up the signs up around the forest. Honestly, he just wants to get this done so he could head back because the forest is making him feel unnerved. He’s just finishing putting up another sign on a tree before grabs his minipack to put the remaining arrows and tools in before continuing to trek deeper in the eerie forest.

“Ugh, of all people, it had to be me going out to the scary parts of the forest”, he complains, as he looks across the various trees that sway with the wind, which doesn’t help in the slightest. He still couldn’t shake off the feeling, if anything, it started to slowly magnify. Honestly, what is up with this place? Why does it seem to be him who can feel this disturbance? Why was-

“Oof!”

He suddenly trips on something that scraped his knee as he lands face first. Dipper winces as he shifts onto his back as he looks at the scrape on his foot. “If I only had my first aid with me”, he complains to himself, forgetting the tool that might come in handy in case something like this happens. Just as he’s about to pull himself up, he notices a shining glare near his foot. Letting his curiosity get the better of him, he starts digging with his hands to pull out the object and holds it up, with one hand on top, the other at the bottom.

“What is this?”, he asks himself, fascinated at the object he’s holding. Said object is silvery and smooth on the surface, it has the look of an oversized pearl if Dipper wants to make a comparison. It’s also very sturdy, due to him lightly knocking on the surface, and as far as he knows, there weren’t any lines anywhere it could be opened, same with having no buttons. Its size isn’t as big and as small to fit in both of his hands. “Hmm.”, he contemplates for a moment. Should he really be taking this with to the shack after this was done? He doesn’t know what this object is or what it could do, but at the same time, this can help figure what is up with this place. After a few minutes of hard thinking, he decides to carry the sphere under his armpit, continuing to do his work.

An hour passes, yet Dipper still had to put in a few more arrows. He hammers in an arrow in a tree, starting to feel exhausted from doing this. He stares at the sphere next to him, still in the same place he left before he looks at three more arrows. He started to get annoyed and remembers that he was still in the deeper parts of the forest. He looked up at the trees, which looked darker and more sinister. He grumbles before grabbing the sphere and the arrows, head to last trees. He puts down the sphere on the side of one of them, before heading to the first one, oblivious to the fact that he touched the sphere on the sides. The sphere starts to glow green on the points where his fingers touched it for a brief moment. It continues to do it until the sphere opens with a quiet hiss revealing something.

Dipper finished hammering the arrow in the tree. He walks over to the last tree, tired to the point that he wants to call it quits and head back. But he knows if he does that, Stan would chew him out. He sighs as he gets the hammer nail to put the arrow in place. “Ugh, Grunkle Stan. Nobody ever believes anything I say.”, he grumbles, clearly annoyed that his grunkle with everybody else not taking heed to his words and he hammered the arrow, hearing a clang in the process…..

…….

Wait.

“Huh?”, Dipper is stumped. He puts his ear near the tree trunk and taps his hammer again, hearing another clang. He wipes away some dust and finds a line that opens the trunk. It acts as a secret window, revealing a mechanical box with two control switches on the top. He tests one control switch but nothing happens. He does it again with the other one; he hears the ground shifting and Gompers the goat running away. “What the?”, he turns around to see a hole in the ground and in it was an old book. With the same curiosity he had for the sphere, he picks up the book and lays it on the ground, looking left and right for people to be around before opening it up. On the first page of the book, there is an eye-glass in it. He picks it up before putting it down and continues to flip through pages. Dipper goes to the next page to find some writing. “It's hard to believe it's been six years since I began studying the strange and wondrous secrets of Gravity Falls, Oregon.”, Dipper reads aloud, from the page confused by this. “What is all this?”, he asks, confused by the content he’s finding and what they mean. 

He keeps flipping through the pages seeing various creatures and phenomena. until he hits a particular page. He is intrigued by this page because of its content: On this page, is a picture of a being made entirely out of crystals, posing as if it is ready to battle something, with a blade of a right hand. But what catches his attention the most with this page is the name on top.

Petrosapian.

He stops at the next page, reading these words

TRUST NO ONE

“Unfortunately, my suspicions have been confirmed. I'm being watched. I must hide this book before he finds it. Remember: in Gravity Falls there is no one you can trust”, Dipper finishes reading, before closing the book and digesting its word. “No one you can trust.”

Hummmmmmmm-Hummmmmmm

“Hu-?” Dipper turns around at the noise, only to see something green and glowing charging at him. “AAAAHHHH!!!!!!” He puts his left arm up in defense before the object tackles him to the ground hard, dropping the book. He groans in pain before getting up, rubbing his head to ease the throbbing he felt and slowly blinks to bring his vision back.

He felt something on his left arm. More specifically, his wrist.

He looks down to see a watch. Once his memory came back, he starts screaming frantically, trying his hardest to pull this thing off, using sticks and rocks to remove it somehow. But it was all moot. After trying multiple times to get this thing off him, he does his best to calm himself down, breathing very slowly and sits down on the ground. He takes this moment to look at this….”watch” on his wrist. It is slim and sleek, with a green wristband, and the face of the dial is black and green hourglass. He brings the watch close to his face, inspecting it. It doesn’t look like a bomb or anything. Could it be a parasite or a virus? It is too early to say but he feels normal. No pain except the dull throbbing in his head and he didn’t feel sick at all. He starts pulling on the watch itself until it started to hurt him. So it confirms that whatever this thing is, it’s attached to him. Okay, that’s the easy part. 

Now, what could this watch do?

Looking at the first time, he knows it can’t tell time. So what is it? He looks at the watch before getting the journal he found and looks through some pages. So far, there’s nothing in here that can explain to him what this thing is. He gets up, grabbing the journal and looks at the watch again, having no idea on what it can do. He looks at it slowly putting his finger to press the hourglass part of the watch. Maybe there was something he has to-

“HELLO!”

“AH!”, Dipper screamed almost dropping the journal and instantly hid his left arm behind his back, turning to look at his twin sister. “What’cha got there, some nerd things?”, Mabel inquires, curious as to what her brother has on him. This is making him nervous. How is he going to tell his sister about this?

“Uh, uh, it’s nothing!”, he nervously chuckles, hoping his half-attempted lie would steer him clear.

“Uh, uh it’s nothing!”, Mabel playfully imitating her brother, laughing at her brother’s fidgety response. “Come on, are you not gonna show me?”

“Uh..”, Dipper wants to make a retort but he can’t find one. Honestly, Mabel is the only one he can trust with something this big. Whenever there was something that was going on with, she was the first person he would go to, so why is he afraid to tell her something like this? He was pulled out from his thoughts as he turned around to see Gompers nibbling on the journal.

He turns to his sister, “Let’s go somewhere more private.”

__________________________________________________________________

As Mabel sits on the recliner with her brother explaining what he found in the journal, she keeps taking a few glances at Dipper’s new watch. She was curious as to where he got it because she really liked how cool it looked. 

“It's amazing, Mabel!”, Dipper exclaims, finally proven right about the weirdness he felt in this town. “Grunkle Stan said I was being paranoid, but according to this book, Gravity Falls has this secret dark side.” He shows her various pages that he found. “And get this! After a certain point, the pages just stop, like the guy who was writing it... mysteriously disappeared.”

“Wow, that’s awesome”, she’s amazed by this, she really couldn’t believe there is something odd about this town. But now, she wants to know something else. “But where did you find the watch, bro? It looks nice.”

The air grows tense.

Dipper rubs his arm in nervousness, he really doesn’t know how to explain this to her: this obviously wasn’t a watch but he really doesn’t know what it is. And he really doesn’t wanna lie to her. He guesses he can figure it out later on. He inhales deeply before closing the journal looking at his sister.

“Mabel.”, he starts, already feeling uneasy as he holds up the ‘watch’. “When I was putting up the signs, I found this weird looking sphere. As I left next to put up the rest of the arrows, I was reading through the journal until this thing-”, He points to the ‘watch’. “-latched onto my wrist. I can guess that this was what was in the sphere the whole time.” Mabel takes in what he says and her eyes linger on the object latched to her brother’s wrist, curious as to what it is.

“Have you tried pulling it off?”, she asks.

“Yes”, he answers.

“Did you try pulling it off with a stick?”

“Yes.”

“Smash it with the rock?”

“Yes.”

“Did you try to-”

“Mabel, anything you’re about to say I tried”, he cuts off her questioning, “Whatever this thing is, it’s near indestructible. I smashed a hammer on it and it didn’t have a dent. That and, for whatever reason, it’s latched on deep in my skin. No matter what we do, this watch isn’t going to come off.” Mabel starts to understand what he’s saying, but she still looks at it. What could this thing do? She looks at her brother for a brief moment to see him looking deeply at this mysterious object, as it glows an ominous green…..

She tries to press it.

“Hey!”, Dipper is snapped out of his deep thought and quickly moves his left arm away from his sister. “Mabel, what are you doing?!” “Just wanted to see what it could do.”, she admits, looking at her brother’s astonished face.

“W-wha-? Mabel, we don’t know what this is!”, he protests, upset that his sister couldn’t understand the danger this watch can hold. “For all we know, this could be a bomb of sorts or a virus, or it could be a parasite, o-or-” He stops rambling and feels his sister holding his cheeks, with a pout etched on her face. 

“Dipper, calm down.”, she tells her brother, “Breathe.” He does what she says, feeling his heart slow and his mind clear up. “Thanks, but this still doesn’t change what I said.”

“How do you know it’s a bomb? Or a virus?”, she questions, “Has it ticked? Do you feel different?”

“I….”, Dipper didn’t really have a response for that. As far as he knows, the watch didn’t do anything aside from glow when it latched onto him. His body feels normal and the object didn’t give off any signs that it was gonna blow up. His sister’s right. 

Huh.

“I guess you’re right.”, he admits, staring at the watch, “But as of right now, let’s not touch it or do anything with it...just to be safe. And I really think we should keep this to ourselves. I don’t how Grinkle Stan would react to something like this.”

“Okay”, she agrees, respecting his decision, to which her brother thanks her. Suddenly, the doorbell rings, making  Dipper jump. “Huh? Who’s that?”, he asks, perturbed to who’s ringing the doorbell. 

“Well,  time to spill the beans.’, she confesses as she pushes a literal can of beans. “Boop. Beans. This girl's got a date! Woot woot!” She falls back on the recliner, giggling at the fact that she finally might have a chance at a summer romance. Dipper just looks at her like she’s grown a second head. How was she able to get a date so quickly, let alone actually find the boy that would agree to go on one?

“Let me get this straight”, Dipper recollects, repeating himself just in case he missed something, “In the hour I was gone, you already found a boyfriend?” He’s stumped when it comes to finding a logical explanation for this. There’s no possible way she was able to get a boyfriend like this. Something is off.

“What can I say, Dipper?”, Mabel asks rhetorically, pulling her arms into the shirt to flail her sleeves, “I guess I'm just IRRESISTIBLLLLE!” The doorbell rings again, twice. 

“Oh, coming!”, she runs to the door.

He sighs as his sister leaves, shaking his head at the idea of her getting a boyfriend in a day, an hour even. He sits on the recliner, reading the journal. He really is amazed by what he’s finding in the journal different monsters, various items, rare phenomena, heck, even aliens like the crystal man he found. But as he was enamored by the journal, he takes a moment to look at the watch on his wrist. Honestly, he wants to know more about it but right, he doesn’t wanna risk it. Maybe some other time, he’ll try to figure out what it can-

“What'cha reading there, slick?”

Dipper jumps before hiding the journal. “Oh, nothing”, he lies, trying to keep the journal hidden from his grunkle and immediately picks up a magazine. “I was just catching up on, uh….Gold Chains For Old Men Magazine?”

“That’s a good issue.” Stan guarantees, taking a sip from soda before looking at his nephew’s left wrist. “Where’d you get the watch?”

Dipper looks at the watch on his hand before looking at his grunkle. “Oh, uh, I found outside. I cleaned it off and polished it to make it look better than it did before.” That was a good enough lie, right?

Stan seems to buy it. “Hmm. Looks good.”

“Hey, family!” Dipper and Stan turn to look at Mabel and a stranger in a black hoodie. 

“Say hello to my new boyfriend!”, she introduces her date as he turns around to be a brunette in a hoodie with a mysterious red liquid on his, giving a casual “S’up?”

“Hey….”, Dipper greets, already feeling suspicious about this boy.

“How’s it hanging?”, Stan salutes with a finger pistol.

“We met in the cemetery. He’s really deep.”, Mabel clarifies, as she starts to feel up his bicep, “Oh, got a little muscle there.” She’s getting flustered by how strong he must be. Dipper doesn’t like this guy.

“What’s your name?”, Dipper inquires, ready to know more about this guy.

“Uh…”, the stranger hesitates, “Normal….MAN!”

“He means Norman’, Mabels says dreamily, hugging his arm.

Dipper looks at the red liquid on his face. “Are you bleeding, Norman?”

Norman looks at the red substance before looking at Dipper defensively, “It’s jam.” Mabel gasped at this. “I love jam!”, she cries out, swishing her hand between her and her boyfriend. “Look. At. This.”

“So, you wanna hold hands...or whatever?”, Norman suggests, delighting Mabel to no end. “Oh, oh, my goodness”, she giggles, clearly excited at the prospect of holding hands as she runs outside. “Don’t wait up!” Norman finger pistols Dipper and Stan before smacking his head on the wall several and leaving out. Dipper didn’t like this at all. This guy comes out of nowhere and asks Mabel out on a date but he looked suspicious. 

There’s something off about Norman and Dipper is gonna find out what.

__________________________________________________________________

He spent a large amount of time within the attic to find out what Norman is. So far, he’s got nothing at hand to give any inkling as what he truly is and what his motive maybe. He keeps flipping through pages until he finds something that may help him. 

“Known for their pale skin and bad attitudes these creatures are often mistaken for... teenagers?! Beware Gravity Falls's nefarious...” Dipper reads aloud, only to pause in fear of the page before him, showing a hooded undead figure. This means that Norman is a….

“ZOMBIE!”

__________________________________________________________________

Stan pauses what he’s doing in the bathroom to look in the mirror. “Somebody say "crombie"? What is that, crombie?”, Stan asks himself, confused by what he’s saying. “That's not even a word. You're losing your mind.” He just finished washing his hands, afterwards.

__________________________________________________________________

Dipper has to calm down. He has to calm down or else, he’s going to panic. And he doesn’t want that, so he breathes slowly and turns to look out the window to see his sister, Mabel sitting on a log outside, swinging her legs…..and Norman limping towards her, his hands outstretched and ready to eat her. “Oh, no! Mabel, watch out!”, Dipper calls out to his sister, scared for her safety. Norman inches closer towards her and wrapped his hands behind her neck……

Only to put on a necklace of daisies. Mabel gasps, at the sweet gesture and is smiling at him. 

Dipper sighs in relief before laying down on the windowsill, thinking. Was he wrong for assuming the worst out of Norman? As far as he knows, he hasn’t done anything to harm her. But at the same time, his behavior doesn’t seem to be normal at all. Dipper grumbles as he puts his hands on his. “Is my sister really dating a zombie, or am I just going nuts?”, he asks himself, not even sure if he had the answer.

“It's a dilemma, to be sure.”

Dipper jumps up from his spot to see Soos putting up a lightbulb. Seriously, how many people are gonna keep sneaking up on him like this? He's surprised he hasn't got a heart attack. 

“I couldn’t help but overhear you talkin’ aloud to yourself in this empty room”, Soos clarifies, pulling out the screwdriver in his tool belt. “Soos, you’ve seen Mabel’s boyfriend, right?”, Dipper hesitates, trying to get a better answer from the handyman of the Mystery Shack. “He’s gotta be a zombie, right?”

“Hmm’, Soos thinks for a minute, twisting in the bulb. “How many brains didja see the guy eat?”

Dipper looks at Soos, before looking down embarrassed. “Zero.”

“Look, dude, I believe you.”, Soos reasons. Like Dipper, he has suspicion on what’s really going on in this town. “I’m always noticing weird stuff in this town. Like the mailman? I’m pretty sure he’s a werewolf, but you gotta have evidence. Otherwise, people will think you’re a major league cuckoo clock.” Dipper nods, understanding that he needs evidence in order to convince his sister that Norman isn’t what seems.

“As always, Soos, you’re right.”, Dipper acknowledges. 

“My wisdom is both a blessing and curse.”, Soos replies, solemnly. 

“SOOS! The portable toilets are clogged again!”

“I am needed elsewhere.”, Soos backs out from where he came. Dipper looks at the camera next to the journal. Looks like he’s got work to do.

__________________________________________________________________

Like Soos advised,  Dipper takes as much evidence as he can between Mabel and Norman. He heads to his and Mabel’s room, replaying the recorded material he had as said sister is brushing her hair. So far, Norman always seemed to stumble, like his body lacks any motor control and his sense of balance, like when he’s walking or when he failed to catch the frisbee Mabel throws at him. And when they’re running in a grassy field, he seemed to have the behavior of pulling himself out of a grave like an undead being. He also has no respect for using doors properly so that’s a clue also.

 “Mabel, we’ve got to talk about Norman”, Dipper insists, really wanting her to listen to the evidence he has. 

“Isn’t he the best?”, she asks wistfully, “Check out this big smooch mark he gave me!” She turns face to show a giant red cheek mark, making Dipper scream in horror. She laughs at his response.

“Gullible. It was an accident I had with the leaf blower.”, Mabel clarifies, remembering how she was trying to do kissing practice with it but instead had the machine stuck to her face. “That was fun”

“Mabel, listen to me. I’m telling you there’s Norman isn’t what he seems.”, Dipper explains, showing the journal to emphasize his point, to which his sister gasps.

“You think he could be a vampire”, she asks, enjoying the idea that her boyfriend is a handsome vampire. “That would be awesome!

“Guess again, sister….SHA-BAM!”, Dipper exclaims, opening a page in his journal making Mabel scream. Dipper checks the journal to realize he was on the page of gnomes. “Oh, sorry, wrong page...Sha-bam!” He shows her the page of the undead, making his sister roll her eyes.

“Ugh, a zombie? That’s not funny, Dipper.”, Mabel doesn’t appreciate the revelation, thinking her brother is trolling her. 

“I’m not joking, Mabel!”, Dipper persists, not allowing Mabel’s disbelief sway him in the slightest. “It all adds up: the bleeding, the limp. He never blinks! Have you noticed that?”

“Maybe he’s blinking when you’re blinking.”, Mabel suggests, not really getting why her brother is getting paranoid about this. 

“Mabel, have you forgotten what the journal said about Gravity Falls?”, Dipper reminds her, “Trust no one….”

“Well, what about me, huh? Why can’t you trust me?”, she asks, putting on her star earrings, “Beep. Bop.”

“Mabel!”, Dipper grabs his sister, shaking her in the hopes that she'll come to her senses, “He’s going to eat your brain!” Okay, Mabel has had enough of her brother’s paranoia. She firmly removes her brother’s hands from her shoulders, pushing him away.

“Dipper, listen to me.”, her voice being firm when she addresses Dipper, refusing to let him voice his concerns, “Norman and I are going out on a date. And I’m going to be ADORABLE”-she points her firmly on her brother’s chest-“And he’s going to be DREAMY” She does it again as she continues walking up to as he keeps walking until he walks out the room. “And I’m not gonna let you ruin it with your crazy CONSPIRACIES!” She slams her, leaving Dipper speechless. He took a moment to look at it from Mabel’s perspective: This is her chance at getting a date and she may not be able get another. But does this mean he’s wrong about Norman? Is he right? What is he missing?

He just sighs in defeat. “What am I gonna do?”

__________________________________________________________________

Dipper keeps looking through the videos but not with the determination he had earlier, no. He had the expression of forlorn permeate on his face. Maybe he is looking too deep into this and just allowed his paranoia to cloud his judgement. Maybe Norman is just eccentric. Maybe he just wants to look for love like Mabel does. And he is getting in their way.

The clock dings 5;00 and the doorbell rings. 

“Coming!” Dipper hears Mabel shouts, looking up from the camera to look at his sister running downstairs, fixing her sweater and making herself presentable before opening the door beau. He hears Norman saying how shiny her sweater is before he sees them leaving the house and head out to the forest. 

Dipper watches the video he collected from spying Mabel and her date.  “Soos was right. I don’t have any real evidence.”, Dipper laments, realizing his mistake. He watches as the video shows Mabel teaching Norman hopscotch, only to fall over. He unconsciously fast forwards to Mabel and Norman with Norman's arm around Mabel. “I guess I can be kind of paranoid sometimes and— Wait, WHAT?!” Dipper watches Norman's hand fall off, giving a glance around reattaching it. He rewinds the tape and watches it again, just to be sure he wasn’t being crazy, which only confirmed what he saw. Shocked right now, he screams and accidentally tips the chair backwards. 

“I was right! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!”, Dipper freaks out, running outside to get his grunkle,  “Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Stan!” He keeps trying to get his grunkle’s attention, but he’s too focused on showing tourists one of his attractions, so he looks around to see the mystery cart. He runs towards to see Wendy taking the key out of the ignition. 

“Wendy! Wendy! Wendy! I need to borrow the golf cart so I can save my sister from a zombie!”, Dipper explains, hysterical at this point, to which she gives him the keys before heading off. “Try not to hit any pedestrians.” Dipper gets in the cart and starts the ignition. But before he can drive off, he sees Soos waiting for him.

Soos gives him a shovel. “This is for the zombies.” Dipper takes the shovel. “Thanks.” Just as he’s about to leave again, Soos gives him a bat. “And this is in case you find a pinata.”

“Uh...Thanks?”, Dipper takes the bat, weirded out before driving off.

“Better safe than sorry!” Dipper hears Soos yell out, but he hardly focuses on it as he only cares about saving his sister. 

Who knows what could be happening to her right now?

__________________________________________________________________

As Mabel and Norman stand in the forest by themselves, he turns away from her nervously, like he was hiding a dark truth. 

“Uh, Mabel”, Norman hesitates, holding his zipper, “Now that we’ve gotten to know each other, there’s…” he exhales “...there’s something I should tell you.” The passes by as the tensity rises in the area.

“Oh, Norman, you can tell me anything!”, Mabel says in mock concern. Please be a vampire, please be a vampire!, she thinks, excited by the prospect that her boyfriend might be what she always desired.

"All right, just... just don’t freak out, okay?", he insists, making sure she doesn't get appalled by what's going to happen. "Just... just keep an open mind, be cool! He unzips his coat and throws it off and what Mabel sees surprises her. Underneath, the coat…..

Are five gnomes standing on top of each other. 

“Is this weird? Is this too weird?”, the top gnome asks, concerned, “Do you need to sit down?” Mabel just stands there with her mouth hung open, completely in shock that her date is something else entirely than what she expected.

“R-r-right, I’ll explain. So! We’re gnomes.”, the gnome higher up makes clear, “First off. Get that one outta the way.” His response doesn’t really help as Mabel still fails to process what is transpiring in front of her.

“I’m Jeff”, the top gnome introduces himself before introducing his other colleagues, “And here we have Carson, Steve, Jason and... I’m sorry, I always forget your name.” 

“Shmebulock!”, the last gnome answers.

“ Yes!”, Jeff snaps his fingers before looking at the dumbfounded Mabel, “Anyways, long story short, us gnomes have been lookin' for a new queen! Right, guys?” To which, the other gnomes started to chant “Queen! Queen!”, really wanting to have her as their royal subject.

“So what do you say?”, Jeff asks her, before tapping his foot to cause the collective to make the body kneel and hold out an engagement ring. “Will you join us in holy matri-gnomey? Matri...matri-mo-ny! Blah! Can’t talk today!” 

Mabel is honestly dumbfounded by what is happening right now. She honestly never expected that her date would end up like this and now, it ends up like this: her being in the middle of the forest with her boyfriend, who was not human, not a vampire…..but a bunch of gnomes asking about for her hand in marriage. She thinks it would be better to let them off easy.

“Look... I'm sorry, guys.”, Mabel apologised, feeling awkward in explaining how she feels about the situation, “You're really sweet, but, I'm a girl, and you're gnomes, and it's like, ‘what?’ Yikes…” Mabel holds her arm, just explaining makes her feel uncomfortable.

“We understand.”, Jeff accepts sadly, seemingly understanding that Mabel didn’t want this “We'll never forget you, Mabel.” The gnomes look melancholy, Mabel smiles appreciating their decision. Maybe they weren’t so bad-

“Because we're gonna kidnap you.”

“Huh?”, Mabel takes double before Jeff leaps at her, screeching to, which she screams in terror.

__________________________________________________________________

Dipper drives as fast as he can to get to his sister and so far, he couldn’t find her. Where could she be? Regardless of what happens, he still had to find her no matter what happens. 

"Mabel, where are you?!", Dipper calls out. She's gotta be close, right?

"Help!", he hears his sister calling for help and heads to the sound of her voice, driving near a path that leads downwards. He stops the cart to grab the shovel and charges to the source of Mabel’s cries for help, leading him witnessing her being surrounded by gnomes as she punches some them away. 

Wait…..she wasn’t getting attacked by a zombie but rather gnomes?

“What the heck is going on here?!”, Dipper demands to which a gnome passes by him hissing.

“Dipper! Norman turned out to be a bunch of gnomes! And they’re total jerks!”, Mabel explains to him while trying to keep the gnomes away from here before a starts pulling on her hair. “Hair! Hair! Hair!”

“Gnomes? Huh, I was way off.”, Dipper feels awkward that he got the wrong creature at this moment. He takes the journal out of his vest and reads the relevant page. "Gnomes: little men of the Gravity Falls Forest. Weaknesses: unknown.". No weakness? That might be a problem. When Dipper lowers the book, he sees that the gnomes have managed to tie Mabel to the ground.

“Aw, come on!”, Mabel complains, not liking her situation at all. This makes Dipper walk towards Jeff with the shovel at hand. 

“Hey! Let go of my sister!”, Dipper commanded, holding the shovel close

“Oh! Ha ha, hey there!”, Jeff greets, weakly. “Um, you know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding. You see, your sister's not in danger. She's just marrying all one thousand of us and becoming our gnome queen for all eternity!” He turns to the ensnared Mabel. “Isn't that right, honey?” 

“You guys are buttfaces!”, Mabel protests, only for a gnome to cover her mouth.

“Give her back right now, or else!, Dipper threatens, pointing the shovel at Jeff.

“You think you can stop us, boy?”, the gnomes warns, narrowing his eyes. “You have no idea what we're capable of. The gnomes are a powerful race! Do not trifle with the—ah!” Dipper scoops him up and tosses him aside before he uses the shovel to cut Mabel free, to which she kicked the gnomes away and runs with her brother to the cart before driving off.

Jeff gets up, looking miffed. 

“You've messed with the wrong creatures, boy! Gnomes of the forest: ASSEMBLE!”

__________________________________________________________________

The cart drives as fast as it can across the forest. So far, it seems as if they managed to get away from the little men of the forest. 

“Hurry, before they come after us!”, Mabel begs her brother to speed up, worried that the gnomes will come after them. Dipper, on the other hand, was unapprehensive about that notion. 

“Mabel, I wouldn't worry about it. See their little legs? Those suckers are tiny!”, Dipper chuckles, finding the idea that the gnomes catching up to them impossible and hilarious.

He is wrong on both fronts.

Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump!

Dipper stops the cart and turns around to see a giant gnome, comprised of every gnome found in the forest. It roared in absolute fury. 

“Dipper, step on it!”, Mabel commands her brother. Dipper wastes no time and steps on the gas pedal. The cart drives as fast as it can before the Gnome Giant smashes its fist on the ground, causing some gnomes to fall the formation only to get back in. The giant gives chase and follows them.

“Give us back our queen”, Jeff shouts from atop the Gnome Giant, controlling like a robot.

“It’s getting closer”, Mabel shouts, making Dipper wish the cart can go faster than it already can. The Gnome Giant starts to shoot out gnomes at the cart, to which they start biting at, along with attacking Dipper and Mabel. Mabel punches off a gnome hanging on the side while Dipper slams Schmebulock’s face on the wheel, making him fall out. Dipper sighs in relief, only for another gnome that jumps out of the cart to scratch him.

“I’ll save you, Dipper!”, Mabel declares, punching the gnome while also hitting her twin brother’s face until it falls out with his hat. 

“Thanks, Mabel”, Dipper expresses his gratitude despite feeling dazed from the punches.

“Don’t mention it”, Mabel returns it, happy to help. 

The Gnome Giant roars in indignation. To slow down the cart, it pulls out a giant tree and throws akin to a javelin at the runaway vehicle.

“Lookout!”, Mabel points to the tree that’s flying through the air before crashing, blocking their path. Dipper and Mabel scream as he swerves the the avoid crashing into the tree but only causes the cart to crash onto the ground near the Mystery Shack. Dipper and Mabel themselves out the totaled cart only to see the Gnome Giant towering over them.

“Stay back, man!”, Dipper warns, showing fear towards the hulking beast before grabbing a shovel and tosses it, only for the Gnome Giant to crush it, the scared Pine Twins hold each other close.

“Where’s Stan?”, Dipper asks

__________________________________________________________________

“Behold!”, Stan shows a swirly pattern on a stick to the tourists, “The world's most distracting object!”

“Oooh”

“Just try to look away, you can't!”, Stan chuckles as he pulls the string making it spin. Eventually, everyone, Stan included, becomes distracted by the object. “I can't even remember what I was talking about.”

__________________________________________________________________

“This has gone far enough kids. We’re done playing games.”, Jeff declares, controlling the Gnome Giant into getting closer to the Dipper and Mabel. The Giant gets close enough to snatch her into its giant hand. “Mabel, it’s time for you to come back with us. This’ll be much easier if you accept being our queen.”

“Ah! Dipper!”, Mabel cries out, trying to break free from it’s hand, only to fail to do so once it starts to leave. 

“Mabel!”, Dipper exclaims as he tries to catch up to the “Let go of my sister!” The giant just keeps walking away, blatantly ignoring to his pleas of both Pine Twins. Dipper pulls out his journal to see if there’s something he missed on the gnomes, but finds nothing. He tries again, again, and again. Only to find nothing. His sister cries for help ever present in his ears. What can he do? There’s nothing he has on hand that can help him.

Except…..

Dipper looks at the mysterious watch and back at the Gnome Giant as it keeps walking away, having his sister in it’s hand as she kept trying to escape while also calling out to her brother. He looks back at the watch with a mix of nervousness and determination before pressing the hourglass symbol on it, making the watch spring up (much to his surprise) showing a hologram of something. Something he found in the journal earlier.

The crystal being. The Petrosapian,

Dipper hesitates before pressing the hourglass symbol down.

In a massive glow of green light, getting the Gnome Giant’s attention, Dipper’s entire anatomy starts to change. His body starts to harden as cyan crystals start to cover him entirely. He feels himself starting to get stronger. Stronger than he’s ever felt before and he started to become taller than he was previously. Dipper’s physiology is exponentially nonidentical: He’s 7 feet tall with his body, no longer skin and bones, entirely composed of cyan-colored diamond with a darkish blue jumpsuit-like uniform with a red-orange stripe down the center, black boots, two sharp crystal shards on his back with a sharp head and yellow eye And to top it off, there's an hourglass symbol on the center of his chest. And to top it off, there’s an hourglass symbol on the center of his chest.

Mabel is shocked to see what brother turned into. “D-Dipper?” 

The Gnome Giant was stumped. “What the? He can turn into a walking chandelier?”, Jeff asks, confused as to what just happened. Unfortunately for him and the rest of the gnomes, this “walking chandelier” is not interested in answering questions.

Dipper’s yellow eyes go to his sister before glaring at the colossal conglomerate of gnomes. He speaks, despite being full of bass, with determination and anger, “I’m going to say this once: Give me back my sister. Or you’re gonna regret it.” Mabel is blown back by how tough her brother sounds. 

The Gnome Giant, on the other hand, laughs. This walking chandelier is supposed to intimidate it? Jeff wipes a tear, laughing. “Yeah, right! There’s a thousand of us and only one of you. What are you gonna do? Reflect some light to make yourself shinier? Pull some of yourself off to trade for your sister?”

Dipper’s eyes narrow. “No.”, he simply answers, “I’m gonna do this.” He pushes his left arm out and shoots speeding crystals at the Gnome Giant, as it roars in pain. He runs forward, continuing to shoot at the colossal Gnome while turning his right hand into a blade and cuts the beast's left leg, breaking off some of the beast’s formation. The Gnome Giant struggles to keep itself together, while at the same time, blocking the crystals as Dipper keeps shooting at it. It tries to move away but sees that Dipper is now punching at its leg, causing some of the gnomes to fall out.

"Hey! Stop doing that!", Jeff yells out, trying to make sure Mabel stays in one hand while trying to crush this annoying gem with the other, who keeps rolling out the way and avoids getting stomped on, smashed with the other hand, and takes the shooting gnomes without even flinching.

I gotta find a way to get Mabel free, Dipper thinks as he continues to avoid all of the Giant Gnome's attacks while also continuing to attack the on the leg he damaged. There has to be a weak spot in the formation. If I can’t find one, I'll make one. With a boost in adrenaline, Dipper delivers a powerful hook to the left leg, causing the it to explode and by extension, the gnomes to fly off in different directions. The Gnome Giant falls on a knee, holding itself up with a hand that didn’t have Mabel in it. Dipper takes advantage of this and plants both hands on the ground, causing a giant diamond piller to uppercut the giant’s chin, causing the behemoth to fall to the ground letting Mabel go in the process.

“AH!”, Mabel screams as she keeps falling until she feels a pair of crystal hands catch her. She looks to see Dipper caught her by summoning a pillar underneath him. The pillar goes back into the ground and Dipper puts her down. “You ok?”, he asks her sister, wanting to make sure she’s alright. 

“Yeah.”, Mabel nods, impressed by what her brother is and what he can do. “At least we know what that watch can do.”

Dipper looks at his diamond hands and toward the hourglass symbol on his chest. “Yeah, at least we know.” Before Dipper can ask himself what this means for him, a roar is heard, causing the crystalized Pine and his twin sister to see the Giant Gnome, fully reformed and charging at them, or specifically, the transformed Dipper. He grits his teeth before pushing both hands out, shooting out speeding crystals at the behemoth’s face, making it slow down and cover it. “Mabel, get back inside!”

“But what about you?!”, Mabel doesn’t want to leave her brother behind, even if he is a rock monster.

Dipper turns toward his sister, not relenting in his barrage. “I’ll be fine! Just get outta here before-URK!!” Dipper isn’t paying attention, until the Giant Gnome comes in and punt kicks Dipper into a couple of trees.

“Dipper!”, Mabel shouts, appalled that her brother got sent flying from that attack.

“You know, we were going to let off easy, kid”, Jeff explains, his aggravation reaching its peak. “But you have been a thorn in us gnomes’ side one too many times! It’s time for you to-Ah!” Jeff is interrupted as diamond shard whizzes past him, leaving a scratch on his face. This gives Dipper the opportunity to charge at the behemoth and smash his hands, which are now spiked balls, on the right leg.

But the opportunity never came. The Gnome Giant is prepared and grabs him before smashing him into the ground hard to leave a crater. He tries to break free, only to be punched into the ground and gets more stuck. 

“Alright, that’s it! It’s time for this walking chandelier to be shattered!”, Jeff growls, controlling the conglomerate of gnomes into getting ready to punch Dipper into smithereens.

“Stop!” Giant Gnome stops what it’s doing to see Mabel standing in front of his transformed brother. She can’t take her brother getting beat up because of her mistake.

“Alright, Mabel! It’s time to make a choice: Either be our queen or watch your brother get crushed!”, Jeff makes her choose, having enough of these obstacles preventing him and his gnomes from having their queen. Mabel looks at the giant beast then her brother, who is struggling to get himself free, only for the hourglass symbol on his chest to beep, blinking red before he turns back to normal. She realizes what she needs to do.

“I’ll do it.”, Mabel hangs her head in defeat, she accepts her fate. Dipper looks at his sister in shock.

“Mabel, what are you doing?! Are you crazy?!”, Dipper exclaims in confusion and dismay. Why is she doing this? Mabel looks at her brother with a forlorn look on her face.

“Dipper. Trust me.”, she simply responds. Jeff takes a 180 and is ecstatic by her decision. 

“Hot dog!”, Jeff cheers. “Help me down there, Jason!” He climbs down from his gnome brothers and approaches Mabel, holding out a diamond ring. “Eh? Eh?” Mabel smiles and holds her hand out, to which he puts the ring on it. “Bada-bing, bada-bam! Now let's get you back into the forest, honey!” He walks away with a pep in his step.

“You may now kiss the bride!”, she announces, making Jeff stop and turn around.

“Well, don't mind if I do.”, he says, before using mouth spray, smiling at his bride-to-be, who gave one of her and eyes fluttering. They lean in to kiss, only then for Mabel to take out a leaf blower and aim it at the gnome.

“Ah! Hey, hey, wait a minute!”, Jeff is shocked by this. He gets sucked up in the leaf blower “Whoa, whoa! Wh-what's goin' on?!” Jeff struggles but just gets more sucked into the leaf-blower halfway. 

“That's for lying to me!”, Mabel yells, angry at the little man. She increases the sucking power. “THAT'S for breaking my heart!” 

 “Ow! My face!”, Jeff groans, painfully as he slowly gets sucked in further.

And THIS is for messing with my brother!”, Mabel declares aiming the leaf blower to the immobile Gnome Giant, before looking at Dipper. “Wanna do the honors?”

Dipper smiles at her. “On three!”

“One, two, three!”, they chant in unison as they blast Jeff towards the gnome monster, causing all the gnomes to fly out in multiple directions. After threatening them with the leaf blower, they all retreat within the forest. As they all left, Mabel looks at her brother remorsefully.

“Hey, Dipper? I, um...I'm sorry for ignoring your advice.”, Mabel apologizes, feeling sorry for not listening to her when she had the chance. ,“You really were just looking out for me.”

“Oh, don't be like that. You saved our butts back there.”, he encourages her.

“I guess I'm just sad that my first boyfriend turned out to be a bunch of gnomes.”, she says.

“Look on the bright side.”, Dipper proposes “Maybe the next one will be a vampire!”

“Oh, you're just saying that!”, Mabel smiles, valuing her brother’s gesture.

“Awkward sibling hug?”, Dipper asks, his arms out. Mabel smiles and accepts it. “Awkward sibling hug.”

“Pat-pat” “Pat-pat”

__________________________________________________________________

Stan is counting money when he sees the Pine Twins walk in, fatigue and untidiness . 

“Sheesh. You guys got hit by a bus or something?”, he laughs at the kids, who scowl at him before walking away. Seeing them like this, he decides to give them something to cheer them up.

“Hey.”, Stan calls out to them, getting their attention, “Wouldn't you know it? Um, I accidentally overstocked some inventory, so, uh... how's about each of you take one item from the gift shop? On the house, y'know?”

“Really?”, Mabel asks, happy at getting something.

“What’s the catch”, Dipper questions, suspicious as he crosses his arms.

“The catch is do it before I changed my mind.”, Stan grumbles, really just wanting to do this simple gesture. Dipper and Mabel look across for different items on the shelves and grab what they wanted. 

Picks up a cap with a pine tree on it and puts it on, looking in the mirror impressed. “” 

“And I will have a…..”, Mabel says before grabbing something out the box. “Grappling Hook!”

Stan and Dipper look perplexed.

“Wouldn’t you want a doll or something”, Stan asks, not really why she wants the item picked. Mabel just shoots the grappling hook into the air, knocking down a shelf in the process. “Grappling Hook!”

“Fair enough”, Stan shrugs.

As Dipper sits in his bed reading the journal while his sister keeps jumping on hers, he starts to think about what happened earlier in the day. The journal said to not trust anyone but thanks to his sister, he would probably be dead despite turning into that crystal being. Speaking of the crystal being, he wonders what the watch can do and how it can do it? So far, he can assume the watch can do more than give him just one transformation but how many are there? Did the watch have aliens that can be found in the journal like the Petrosapian? These were another addition of questions he has for the town of Gravity Falls. Dipper takes a look at his sister using her grappling hook with glee to catch a stuffed animal. She really is the only one he can trust with the secrets they have. 

And he has no problem with it.

“Hey, Mabel. Can you get the light.”, Dipper asks.

“On it!”, she replies, aiming and shooting the grappling hook on the lamp, breaking it. “It works!” The Pine Twins get a laugh before heading to sleep. 

For these two, the mysteries and strangeness in this town were only beginning.

[eurusholmmes]

whispers | t.s.

This is long overdue, but I thought since I’m working the night shift alot these next two weeks that I would try to spit out the last of the requests I have. I have alot of changes coming in 2019 - and I probably won’t be taking alot of requests anymore. New guidelines, characters I will and won’t write for... You get the picture. 

Yes guys - We as writers do have the ability to turn down your request if we feel like we cannot fulfill it. 

Prompt: Would you be willing to write a Tony x Reade where she is helping him with his PTSD and anxiety, and happens to be a genius in biology or some type of science. But she is a bit overweight and overhears people gossiping about her or sees a tabloid saying that Tony deserves someone better looking. She starts to withdraw due to her insecurities and Tony believes it is his fault. Fully ending where they help each other with their insecurities? 

I would give my life for Tony to be happy - please enjoy this fic!

  “The pain center of the brain is called the cerebral cortex, and it is the last branch of the body that processes the pain you are in. It is what informs you that something is very, very wrong.” 

When you first cross the path of Tony Stark, it’s on your way home from your newly appointed position as head of the neuroscience division at Stark Industries. You had done remarkable work in the name of Stark, and that was how you earned your thirty seconds of fame. Or what would have been thirty seconds if Pepper Potts hadn’t found you in the midst of helping Tony Stark through his first real anxiety attack.

He’d come to you for updates and had collapsed in your arms. 

That was when you came to know the darkness that resided inside of your boss, your confidant, your best friend, and the man you would eventually love.

“Self deprecation is toxic to the mind. It invades your thoughts, your very being... desperate to convince you that you are not good enough. That you are not worthy enough to keep living knowing what you have committed to remain alive.”

With the blood on his hands and the demons that claw at his soul, Tony doesn’t believe he’s worthy of love. His mind screams at him to run as fast as he can every time he sees you smile, because if his gaze lingers just a moment longer, he’ll fall harder then he ever has.

When Pepper left Stark Industries and Tony’s life, you were the one who was there to pick up the pieces. The only one who could see the tragedy lurking deep within those brown eyes - the stories that nobody else dared to look into. The loss of his parents. The fall of New York. The dreaded worm hole that he never dared to tell the tale of, because he relived it every time he closed his eyes. 

  “What do you see when you look at me, Y/N?” It’s the first time Tony has offered to take you away from the insanity of being the head of the neuroscience department, leaving it in the capable hands of your assistant for the weekend. Bora Bora, he said. How could you refuse something like that?

You casually sipped the martini poised in between your fingers, desperate to not dwell on the fact that you were at the shoreline dressed in shorts and a blouse - and Tony was in his swimsuit at your side. He didn’t need to see what laid underneath your clothes. Even you didn’t want to see it half the time. 

  “I see a suit of armor around a world that has been saved.” 

Things flourish for a while. Your department thrives in your research which you so eagerly share with Tony. You attend parties, you meet the Avengers. It’s the best life you have lived in ages. 

That is, until you hear the whispers. 

When Tony asks you to be his girlfriend, part of you almost immediately wants to recoil at the thought and whisper, “No.” And it’s not his fault, it’s the fault of the media because being the girlfriend to Tony Stark means that everyones eyes are on you. The woman who lingers on his arm. 

They want to know your name, your age, where your from, if your hair is natural or dyed, what your weight is - every minuscule detail of your life subject to the world. Every single person who knew about your relationship with Tony would have something to say about how you weren’t pretty enough or good enough for someone as beautiful as him. 

And they were right. Tony Stark was beautiful. He was far too handsome, too out of your league, and that’s what drives your answer to his question - until you think about what kind of good you can do for him. How you can teach him to deal with his PTSD, work through his anxiety issues.. learn to accept the love he is adamant that he doesn’t deserve. 

You love him. You love him despite his darkness, despite his demons.. and you love just how his eyes sparkle when he looks at you. Because it’s not lust, it’s complete and utter adoration.

  “Tony?” Marching through the penthouse of the Avengers Tower, you furrow your brow in your search for the billionaire. He hadn’t shown up to the mandatory meeting this morning - which had left you to return to his home in search of him. The two of you normally met in the middle of the week for self defense class - a demand on his part for the closest person to Iron Man. “Anthony Stark! I have your favorite alcohol on hand and I’m not wearing any clothes!!” 

Nothing. 

You stand still in the kitchen and carefully listen for sounds of life - and that’s when you hear it, the unmistakable sound of hyperventilating. Your feet carry you faster then they ever have before and that’s how you find yourself frozen in Tony’s bedroom door, eyes locked on the shaken man that laid on the floor. 

  “No- It’s not my fault!” Tony cries, eyes screwed tightly shut as he rocked back and forth on his heels. You took a moment to survey the room that lay in shambles. Bedsheets askew and wrinkled, half a bottle of whiskey that looks to have been untouched for the past several hours. Crumpled suits lay thrown in a pile in the corner, and the room reeks of body odor. “Not everything is on me. Screw you-” He inhales sharply and slams his fist against the floor. “Screw your legacy!” 

Warm hands ghost over his wrists, and Tonys eyes snap open to meet your concerned y/e/c only inches away from his own. And without a moments hesitation, he throws himself into your embrace and doesn’t let go. 

After that, you say yes. You say yes to being the best part of Tony’s life and push any thoughts of what other people think. 

  “I adore you in all your utter childish behavior.” A nerf bullet flies out from behind the overturned sofa, and Natasha bursts into hysterical laughter when Tony guffaws from the bullet that has marked the center of his forehead. 

  “And I you in your ridiculous aim!” 

He calls it an obligatory party - to show people that the Avengers are just as human as the rest of the world. A black gown with your exact measurements is already laying on your bed by the time you arrive home from work, and as Natasha helps you into the gown and finishes off your hair and makeup - you dread the whispers of the people who lurk downstairs. 

  “They won’t know what hit them.” 

They start in the midst of your search for Tony, causing your stomach to turn and your palms to sweat when you feel their prying eyes on you. 

How much does she weigh? 200 pounds?

Tony is way too sexy and so out of her league. 

Where does she shop? A retail store? 

Had it not been for the stunning smile of your boyfriend to keep you from falling off the edge, you were sure you would have fled to the sanctuary of your bedroom and indulged in another season of Cloak and Dagger. But you had promised Tony that you’d attend this party, and that’s exactly what you do. 

He’s all smiles and winks and snapping pictures of the two of you with his phone until cleanup is over, and the two of you disappear into your bedroom for the night. And it’s over the course of the week that Tony begins to feel the guilt over something he isn’t entirely aware of, and he ponders what he could’ve done to push you away. 

The smell of omelets and fresh coffee in the Tower kitchen draws him from his sleep, and Tony stumbles into the room to sate the growling noise of his stomach. It’s only when he’s half bitten into the omelet Steve made him that he sees Natasha lounging on the love seat with a tabloid poised in her hands. 

He and Y/N are on the front cover. 

The title of the article is in bold, Y/N Y/L/N - Is she good enough for New Yorks favorite billionaire? 

  “Give me that piece of trash-” Tony snarls as he snatches the magazine from Natasha and thumbs through the pages until he comes upon the article written about the two of you. Most of it is regurgitated facts he’s heard a thousand times - but there is one line that makes his blood boil with rage. 

How does a man like this settle for a girl like her? 

Panic takes place of his anger when he realizes that you are nowhere in sight, and you were not in bed when he woke that morning. Clint and Natasha are in the living room, Steve is mulling over the morning paper after cooking for the team, Thor was on Asgard and Bruce was in the lab. “Hey guys, has Y/N made an appearance this morning? She-” He swallows the growing lump in his throat. “She wasn’t in bed when I woke up.” 

Natasha happens to be the only one with a pair of eyes that can clearly see just how much her teammate cares about you, which is what prompts her to lift her head from Clints shoulder to regard Tony. “She went to the roof at sunrise this morning. Said she needed some time to clear her head.” 

And after stopping in the stairwell that leads to the roof to calm the pounding of his heart at the thought that you would leave him, Tony emerges on the roof and finds exactly the opposite of what he was expecting. 

  “Hey gorgeous. Glad to see you slept an entire night.” You call out, adjusting your position in the beach chair you had placed on the roof earlier that morning. After seeing Natashas tabloid sitting on the coffee table, you had taken the time to read through the article despite your niggling fear of what they had to say about you. “Wanna strip off that shirt and your pants?” 

  “Is that your nonchalant way of asking for sex?” He replies teasingly, grinning widely when you lower your sunglasses down your nose to peer at him. You had read that article with the intention of coming to a conclusion about being Tonys girlfriend, and you had. You didn’t care what the media said about you, what his fans thought about you. 

You only cared what Tony thought about you. That was all that mattered. 

  “No, you stupid man. It means you take your sexy self and lay on this chair beside me so we can talk in private.” You retorted, patting the seat at your side as you produced his aviators from underneath your chair. Tony immediately scurried across the roof, taking off his clothes as he went, until he was laying beside you in nothing but his boxers with his sunglasses perched on his nose. “I was up early this morning because I had to pee-” 

  “Typical.” 

  “And I saw that tabloid sitting on the table. I know I’ve been distant this week, and it’s because I’ve been working on my research and trying to come to a conclusion on our relationship. How I feel about having the entire world looking at me every time I go outside.” A comfortable silence ensues as you press your lips together in a thin line. “And I did.” 

Tony takes the half drunk bottle of whiskey you snagged from your bedroom and sips slowly. “Which is what?” You turned onto your side and lowered your sunglasses, fingertips reaching out to graze his jaw. The mischievous gleam in his eyes dissipates into a softness he only holds for you, slipping his own hand out from underneath him to rest it on top of yours. 

  “I don’t care what the world says. It’s you and me, that’s what matters. What matters is that you help me feel confident in my own skin, and I help you learn to sleep through the night again. What matters is that you make me feel like the most beautiful woman alive, and I make you a better man.” Tears blur your vision as Tony sits up at the waist and throws his legs over the side of the chair so he is facing you. 

  “I love you.”

 It flows from his tongue so freely, as if he’s been waiting years to confess it. Desperate hands grip your hips to pull you effortlessly into his lap, and Tony takes the opportunity to capture your lips in his own. Sunkissed skin warms your hands as they slide up his bare chest to rest at the nape of his neck, tangling in chestnut locks as he pries himself away from you to leave open mouthed kisses on the curve of your bare shoulder. 

The bottle of whiskey is long forgotten. 

  “I love all of you.” 

[heyitmelexie]

Finally happy

Pairing: Harry Styles x Plus Size! Reader Word count: 2860 Warnings: None (just fluff, talk about insecurities) Author’s Note: Hi babes! This is my first imagine ever and I am sorry if there are some spelling mistakes or grammar mistakes (I am German). Took me some hours to write this. If you have any advice for me - just tell me! I will be happy about it :) If you want to be tagged in this story, also just ask me. Will not be a problem! <3 Enjoy reading!

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Growing up as an overweight kid has never been easy. Mean words, disgusted looks, and shameless talking were the things you got used to over the years, but still, they hurt. You don't show its affection for you, that would just make things worse. So instead of giving them dirty looks or talking back to them, you just put your chin a little higher in the air and walk past them to show them their words meant nothing to you and this made you a bit more confident about myself. A big support are, of course, your family and friends who always assured you that there was nothing to be ashamed of and that you were beautiful the way you are. But you never quite believed it. Sure, they probably really think that, but you? You don't. You felt nothing but disgust for yourself, always wanting to lose weight, be skinny like all those models, be fit like them, beautiful like them. Doubting that you'd ever find a boyfriend staying this big size. Being uncomfortable in your own skin also meant you couldn't really live out your hobbies, fearing nobody would like what you do.

One of those hobbies was singing.

Oh, how you wished you could just walk on a stage in front of thousands of people and sing from the bottom of your heart. But instead of trying your luck you'd rather sing in the school choir which was already a huge step but the only way for you to free your voice without anybody only seeing you. It filled yourself with joy to sing these beautiful notes and create a melody along with the rest of the choir that would make people happy when they heard you. After graduation, you started studying. It was calm, better than school. You made new friends pretty quickly since many students rather care about you as a person then judging you by your look. With them, you sometimes attended Karaoke nights, but the first few times only watching.

That one night though, half into your first semester, changed your life completely.

You've been at a friends place and with all your other friends you started Karaoke. Everyone said that you should at least give it a try and with their annoying, nonstop try to convince you, you gave in and faced your biggest fear: Presenting yourself in front of people. Unfortunately, you didn't get to choose the song so you just had to get along with "Halo" by Beyoncé which was one of your favorites actually. Starting very shaky, quiet and uncomfortable you sang along the playback. But their sweet words motivated you and made you feel better so slowly you started to sing louder, to put your whole heart into the song. When it ended you just heard loud clapping and cheering and was flooded with compliments. It felt good. Better than ever before. Since that night you always sang along with your friends and had the best fun in those nights. What you didn't know was that they were recording sometimes when you were singing so it was a big surprise to you that one day you received a letter from "The Voice" saying that they invite you to the Blind Auditions. Of course, your friends were standing around you when you opened the letter and screamed at the top of their lungs along with you. 

You couldn't believe it. Was your dream really coming true? A month later after very much training and voice-coaching you attended the Blind Auditions singing "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera, putting all your heart into it, pouring all your emotions into it and you really did it, four chairs turned around for! What came after were very stressful weeks. You always did your best but every week you were afraid to lose. In the end, you didn't win but were within the last four candidates. Thanks to a lot of promos and the popularity of this show a quite professional and prominent producer asked you to have a contract with him - of course, you agreed!

Today, three years later, you are a rather famous singer and plus-size model, working on your second album.  You also caught the attention of some of the best singers like Ed Sheeran and Demi Lovato, who you produced duets with, which increased your popularity and fanbase extremely. You got invited to dozens of galas, premieres, and award shows, living your dream to the fullest. There was just one thing missing: a boyfriend. With all the things you did and all the appointments you had there wasn't really time to think about this part of your life but sometimes you just felt lonely. Wishing for a man that would hold, love and worship you. But the job took all your attention. When working on some lyrics for a new song this morning you received a call from your manager. "Y/N, I have an invitation for you to the premiere of Dunkirk in three days. Flights are already booked as well as the hotel room. The makeup artist is booked too and will get you ready then." he said.  You have already heard about that movie which was based on the book by Christopher Nolan - wonderful work. But something else was ringing in your head. Dunkirk... Dunkirk... wait there is something that you heard about that movie some weeks ago that took you by surprise. Wasn't- "There is something else, Y/N. I received a mail from the manager of Harry Styles. He asked if you are interested in making a song with him." Then it clicked. Harry Styles was playing a role in Dunkirk! That was it! But you didn't think about that anymore you were already squealing with excitement. "Oh my god, wow, really? Of course, I want!" you said. Harry Styles. You had a huge crush on him for YEARS! He was all over your room some years ago. "I thought you would say yes so I already emailed him saying you agreed," he said, laughing about your excitement. "I also got the information that Harry would love to talk to you about it at the premiere of Dunkirk. That is why you have gotten the invitation."  You couldn't be any happier. Harry Styles wanted to record a song with you. He is the reason you got invited to the premiere. This was the best day ever. - 3 DAYS LATER -

You just got ready, now on your way to the red carpet. Nervous you looked out of the window. This wasn't new to you anymore. But the fact that you are about to see Harry Styles was making you feel terribly nervous. Crushing on such a gorgeous man was not easy for you, always saying to yourself that he'd never be interested in you in this way. He always dated models and super gorgeous, famous women that you just couldn't hold up with. With a nauseous feeling, you arrived and the door of the car was held open. You took a deep breath, put on the biggest smile and stepped out of the car already greeted by loud screaming and your name being called. With your fans there you felt better, happily posing for photos, giving autographs and short interviews . After some time you made your way into the building, took a drink and looked around. You happily chatted with some persons, exchanging compliments and just casual chit-chat. When it was time to take seats you were looking around to find yours and quickly sat down just to see that you were seated next to Harry who greeted you with a huge grin on his face. "It is so nice to meet you Y/N! I absolutely love your music and I was happy about your agreement on a duet" he said, smiling sweetly all the time. "Why should I ever say no? It is such a pleasure to be able to work with you. I am a big fan of yours for quite a long time already. I am really looking forward to this" you answered, smiling like an idiot. You two continued to chat for a while until they started the programme. Right before they began to play the movie he leaned over to you and said quietly "By the way, you look absolutely gorgeous." A deep blush crept onto your cheeks and you couldn't help but look at him and giggle softly. "Look who's talking, Styles" you answered, making him grin widely. During the film you two kept silent, concentrating on what was happening on screen. Afterward, you complimented him on his acting talent which you didn't know was THAT good. You showered him with compliments not noticing the dark blush on his cheeks. He was proud of himself and such sweet compliments made him extremely happy. You talked a lot about your music, about casual things in your lives and most importantly about the work you will do together. You couldn't wait to start. - 1 WEEK LATER - Working with Harry was pretty nice. He had wonderful ideas for the lyrics as well as for the melody and he always looked super cute whenever he was concentrating on something with a little frown on his face. What you didn't notice was the cute smile he had on his face whenever you talked about the lyrics and some ideas and especially whenever he heard you sing. It warmed his heart, he just loved to listen to your beautiful voice. Whenever you weren't watching he would just stare at you lovingly and get lost in the sweetness of your voice, warming his whole body. He was unsure about asking you out, not knowing how his fans would react. It was always different and he wanted to make sure you wouldn't get hurt by anything. But to be honest, he has laid his eyes on you since the first time he saw you on TV and that was when you had your Blind Audition. He adored everything about you. Your soft tummy, your strong and thick legs, your beautiful face and stunning smile. But most of all he worshipped your wonderful voice. He thought you have a talent that not many people have, a strong and powerful voice which still held so many emotions. He was simply amazed by you. You weren't aware of what Harry thought of you. All you could think about was not to embarrass yourself in front of him. Not being able to ignore the negative thoughts, you made sure to not look at him too often, trying your best not to seem like a total freak. Because you knew that if you would look at him for a while you would start staring and you were sure as hell that he'd find that pretty strange. But Harry wouldn't mind. Actually, he'd love to be stared at by you, being able to look into your beautiful eyes that held so much joy, he thought to himself. This whole week he was arguing in his head if he should ask you out or not and today was the day. He would do it. After you two called it a night and packed up your stuff he walked up to you. "Hey Y/N, I'd like to ask you something." He looked rather nervous. Why was he nervous? "Sure go ahead" you answered, smiling softly at him. "I wanted to know if ya'd like to go out with me? Like... spontaneously. Right now?" he asked, scratching the back of his head. You blinked. Wait a minute... Harry Styles just asked you to go on a date with him? RIGHT NOW? "I uhm... uh yeah sure. I'd actually love to" you answered, feeling that blush creeping up to your cheeks. He seemed relieved and smiled that gorgeous smile of him. "Sweet! Let's go then" he answered and offered his arm which you gladly took and followed him out to his car. While driving he asked you what you'd like to eat and you two agreed on Chinese takeaway. After you got the food he drove a little out of the city and stopped at a small cliff from where at you could see all over the city with the night sky blinking above. The sky was clear and you could see all of the stars and some pink and purple shadows. It was beautiful. While you were amazed by the stars, staring up at the sky, Harry looked at you with a small smile on his lips. "You are so beautiful," he said, a little shocked himself since he didn't want to say it out loud. But it slipped and made you turn your head to look at him, surprised. "Wh-What did you say?" You couldn't quite believe it. Did he... "I said you're so beautiful" he repeated, smiling a little, lowering his head. While you were staring at him surprised he spread out a blanket and sat down on it with the food. Sitting down you silently looked at him. "You think I am beautiful?" you whispered, surprised. "Actually I think you are absolutely breathtaking", he said while giving you the food, a light blush on his cheeks. He looked up and you immediately locked eyes. "Your eyes are so beautiful. The way the stars are shining in them takes my breath away" he continues. "I could stare into them forever. Your smile makes my heart go wee within a second and sometimes it seems like the world around us is stopping just because you flash me a tiny smile." The side of his mouth curls a little and he starts eating. But he continues. 

"I love your voice so much. No matter what you do. Whether you talk about something you love or say some random stuff, I just love listening to you. And when you start to sing..." He closes his eyes for a moment. "I have no words for the feeling I have every time I hear you sing. It is absolutely mesmerizing." He smiles to himself, eating. You just look at him, all flushed with disbelief in your eyes. "How can you think of me as beautiful? I mean-" You don't have the chance to go on because he interrupts you with a serious face. "Because you're "fat"? Lemme tell you a thing, you are not fat. You are soft. I absolutely adore your body. Your squishy tummy, your thick legs... You are absolutely perfect in my eyes." He whispers. "But... you used to date thin women, models. Women that are truly beautiful..." you said, feeling very insecure at this moment. "And it never truly made me happy." He said, looking down. "I don't want to fulfill society's expectations in dating a thin woman. I love curvy women, always have. I want to have something to hold on, to squeeze, to worship. I want someone like you." He looked at you, a tear rolling down his cheek. "I finally want to be happy." You didn't know what to say. Harry Styles... actually loved your body? The biggest issue in your whole life and from one second to another he just makes all your insecurities go away with some words? "Harry, I... I don't know what to say" you finally admitted. "No man has ever said something so sweet and wonderful about me... No man has ever just looked at me the way you do now. It feels like you blow all the negative things in my life away with just... a word." You couldn't help the tear that was rolling down your cheek. Happiness. That was the only emotion you were feeling now. Pure happiness. Harry giggled softly and wiped away the tear with his thumb, resting his palm against your cheek. With his thumb, he softly strokes over your cheekbone. "I will never be at loss for words when I talk about you. There is so much I can say. About your eyes, your cute little nose, your perfectly kissable lips, your soft hair, soft skin, soft body. I could just look at you forever" he admitted. And you lost it. The tears just ran down your face in small rivers but despite that you were smiling the biggest smile, resting your own hand over his. "Oh, look who's talking. You have no clue how much I could say about you, handsome mister" giggling lightly you sniffled and wiped away some of the tears.   Without another word, Harry leaned forward and kissed you softly. You were melting into him, smiling against his lips and cupping his face in your hands. Sitting with Harry beneath the stars, kissing, you forgot about everything bad that has ever happened to you in the past and just looked forward into the future you would have with him. You were so happy. You were in love.

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@pendantstyles @aqua-harry @bribe-the-door @xplussizereaderx @plus-size-reader @mcuplussizereader @imultifandomstuff  

[not-a-space-alien]

Hello here i am to post the fic that i wrote for the exchange this year :D

Title:  No Pain, No…Loss?

Pairing/Characters: Aziraphale/Crowley 

Rating:  T

Word count: 7k words

Warnings: Eating disorders etc.

Summary:  Aziraphale has a horrifying realization and decides he needs to lose weight.  

On Dreamwidth

On AO3

It happened one day when Aziraphale finally admitted that he needed to replace the shirt he had refused to miracle the paint stain out of all those years ago.  He had gone to the department store, and a friendly associate had been helping him pick out something new when she said:

“You know, you carry yourself with a lot of confidence for someone your size.  It’s refreshing.”

Aziraphale furrowed his brow, unsure of what to say.  The young lady, who had meant it as a compliment but who had failed to consider that it might not be received that way, shifted nervously from foot to foot and waited for the angel to start yelling at her.

“What do you mean?” was what Aziraphale finally said.

“Well, you know,” said the employee.  “Sometimes people who aren’t exactly thin don’t have confidence, and…”

“Why would not being thin mean I don’t have confidence?” said Aziraphale.  “I thought…Isn’t being overweight considered attractive?”

As soon as the words left Aziraphale’s mouth, an electric thrill of realization bolted through him as he suddenly saw all the mannequins in the store—all very sticklike specimens—in a new light.

How…How could he have missed it?  Had he really still been stuck in archaic standards of beauty this whole time? When had being overweight shifted from being desirable to being ugly?  How could he not have noticed?

What else wasn’t he aware of?  What if he was constantly embarrassing himself because of something obvious he had failed to notice was actually hideous?

What if tartan wasn’t stylish?

“Well, it’s—it’s like this,” said the hapless saleswoman, breaking his train of thought.  “Is there someone that you fancy?”

“In what way?”

“You know…in the way that you want to impress them?”

Aziraphale’s thoughts went to Crowley and the angel’s rather nebulous feelings about him, which he refused to define, but which seemed to fit the description well enough.  “Yes.”

“Well, don’t you think she’d want a strong, fit specimen?  Instead of someone who looks like they sit on the couch all day?”*

*Aziraphale did, in fact, sit on the couch almost all day reading.

“Or he!” interjected another sales associate, who was folding shirts nearby and had been eavesdropping.  “Nobody said it has to be a woman.”

“Oh, you can’t make assumption about people like that,” said the first woman.  “It’s rude.”

They both looked at Aziraphale, again afraid he would get angry at them, but he was too deep in thought to notice.  He was so abjectly horrified by the realization that Crowley had probably thought he was incredibly ugly for decades now, and how could he not have noticed?

“Sir?” said the woman, noting the growing unease on his face.

“I have to go,” said Aziraphale, thrusting the entire selection of tops he had picked out back into her arms and hustling out the store.

“Told you it was rude,” she said to her coworker.

Aziraphale called Crowley up immediately and asked him to have dinner that night.  Aziraphale found himself eating through his pantry in the meantime, and only realised afterwards that he had never noticed his habit of stress-eating before.

Crowley was already at the restaurant when Aziraphale got there, which was surprising because Crowley was usually late.  The demon had a small white rectangle in his hand, which he was playing with as Aziraphale sat down.

“Aziraphale!” he said cheerfully.  “Check it out!  The latest electronic trap from my favourite over-priced computer company.  It’s designed to trick people into buying something incredibly expensive that they don’t need or even particularly want.”

“You bought one,” said Aziraphale, preoccupied.

Crowley reddened. “Well, of course I bought one.  That doesn’t count because I didn’t use real money.  It costs a grand.  I spent a thousand even.  More than some humans make in a month!  And I didn’t even get all the extra features that increase the price.  My finest work.”  He brandished the device for Aziraphale to see.  “Here, watch this.  It unlocks by scanning your face.  Pretty cool, huh?”  He fiddled with it, but the touted feature failed to materialise.  “Here—wait—just watch…”

He got it to work eventually, and seemed disappointed when Aziraphale did not act impressed.  He tapped things on the screen and tried to explain what everything did.  To any technically-savvy human, it would have been obvious he had no idea what he was talking about.

“And it has twelve Hertz of RAM,” he said proudly. “It’s the next big gotta-have-it that every rich yuppie will clamber to get their consumeristic hands on this holiday season—”

“Crowley,” interrupted Aziraphale irritably, “it’s exactly the same as the last one you showed me.”

Crowley drew his phone to his chest, as though Aziraphale might have hurt its feelings.  “Why, that’s simply not true!”

“Then how is it different?”

“Well, it’s thinner.”

Aziraphale felt himself starting to sweat.  “It’s…thin?”

“Twenty percent thinner! They were quite specific about that. Thinner than what, I’m not sure. But it’s thin all right.”

Aziraphale pulled at his collar as Crowley tapped enthusiastically on the screen.  The demon was relieved that Aziraphale seemed too distracted to notice he didn’t actually know how to use most of his phone’s new features.

“So…you like things that are thin, then?” said Aziraphale.

“That’s the aesthetic nowadays,” said Crowley, absorbed in the screen.  “Amazing how much they can cram in there.  The next iteration will disappear completely when you turn it sideways. Say, do you have a cell phone, Aziraphale?  I can help you pick one out if not.  But I bet you have one of those old ones you refuse to part with, one of those really chunky…”

Aziraphale looked down at himself.

“Beige…”

Aziraphale tugged at his slacks and brown sweater.

“And horrendously ugly things.”

“Crowley,” Aziraphale burst out, unable to bear it any longer, “do you think I’m fat?”

And here is what made what came next really tragic:  If Aziraphale had asked Do you think I’m ugly? instead, Crowley would have said No, of course not, what made you think that? and all the tragedies that were about to befall poor Aziraphale would have been averted.  But that’s not what he had asked, and Crowley, who did think Aziraphale was fat, but not necessarily ugly, did not realise saying so would to Aziraphale, in this state of mind, be the equivalent of Yes, and therefore I think you are ugly.

Aziraphale was very visibly, very obviously fat, and Crowley had always thought he seemed quite proud of it** actually, so Crowley let a faint smile ghost across his face. “Um…Is this a trick question?”

**He had been.

Aziraphale stood, pushing his chair out and clattering the silverware.  “I have to go right now.”

“Uhh…” said Crowley. “All right?  Shall I come by the shop later?”

“No!” said Aziraphale, grabbing his jacket. “No, you’d better not.  Don’t come over until I’m proper.”

“Proper?” said Crowley, bewildered, but Aziraphale had already run away.

Exactly as I feared, Aziraphale thought.  He does think I’m ugly.  Fat and ugly and a loser.  And why wouldn’t he?  He’s probably just been spending time with me out of pity.

Aziraphale did not want to examine exactly why he felt it was so important that Crowley think he was attractive.  It’s not like he, Aziraphale, was attracted to Crowley.  Was he?

No, of course not. Angels didn’t really think that way. So it had to be something else. Something entirely innocent and perfectly reasonable to explain why he wanted taking his shirt off to prompt Crowley to whistle and go “Nice body, angel,” or somesuch nonsense.

Not that he had been fantasising about it.

He did unfortunately think that this desire might be considered vanity, which was unambiguously a sin.  He was able to brush the issue aside very quickly with some clumsy excuse besides wanting to impress his demonic counterpart.  Being thin was healthier, wasn’t it?  Why else would it be a beauty standard?  That’s it, his being thin would be for health reasons, of course. He had to be a good role model for humans.  Therefore his losing weight would be promoting heavenly values.  Or something.

The excuse was good enough and he shelved that train of thought, turning himself towards the matter at hand: He had to become thin, and he had to do it as fast as possible.

The thought occurred to him to simply use a miracle to change his corporation, of course. Crowley did it all the time.  He suspected that was how Crowley stayed as thin as he did.  Aziraphale had always assumed Crowley wanted to look that way because he was a snake and it felt right, but now he knew it was because Crowley wanted to be hip and fashionable.  Thin.

But that’s not how Aziraphale did things.  He was going to do it the right way.  The human way.

And he had a treasure trove of human knowledge in his bookshop.  This was going to be a snap.  He’d just look through his books for something about how to lose weight, and he’d do it, and then Crowley would love him.

What?  Where had that last thought come from?  He pushed it from his mind as quickly as it appeared, then got to work.

Aziraphale began to scour his collection, piling everything that looked even remotely useful into his arms. Then, he took it all into the back room and thumped it onto the table to do what he did best:  Read.

The first thing he found was a pamphlet that came with a little container of something which rattled around.  He had dug it out of a trunk buried under a stack of newspapers.  He saw that the tag affixed to the bottle promised him he could keep eating as much as he wanted and still lose weight by swallowing the pill within, a single-use miracle cure.  Aziraphale fetched a glass of water and swallowed it.  It wasn’t until much later when he read the fine print did he realise it had been a capsule containing tapeworm eggs.

That was the only thing in the pile that required something other than reading.  Most of his materials jogged his memory about something he had heard once years before.

“Oh, yes.  I remember this,” he said, taking out a pamphlet he had bought for one dollar decades ago.

He put the one that looked easiest at the very top of the pile, then sorted the rest of them by the order in which he wanted to try them.

This was going to be easy.

Contrary to instructions, Crowley came over to the shop the next morning.  He had just downloaded a very amusing app onto his phone, and he wanted to show Aziraphale.

He found the angel behind the counter of his bookshop.  His hand was in a jar which was filled with something that looked suspiciously like cotton balls.  Crowley peered through the front window and watched him pop one of the white spheres into his mouth and swallow without chewing.  Crowley also noted he had on a pair of cheap-looking glasses with blue lenses.

Crowley used a miracle to keep the bell on the door silent so he could sneak up without Aziraphale seeing. He slithered through the books and crawled in front of the counter, then peeked up.  Aziraphale did not notice him, consuming another one of the white spheres, which Crowley was at this point convinced was some kind of novelty candy very cleverly made up to look like cotton balls, so you could eat one and then say to your horrified friends Ha! It’s just candy floss, don’t worry.

Crowley reached one hand up and snuck a globule from the jar, then put it in his mouth.  It was genuinely just a cotton ball.

“Angel, what the Heaven?” said Crowley, shooting up and scaring Aziraphale.  “Are you eating cotton balls?”

Aziraphale looked at him with two bloodshot eyes, one of which was lazily drifting off center, visible even through the blue lenses.  “Yes, of course,” he mumbled.

“Are…are you drunk?” said Crowley.  “It’s not even noon yet!”

“”ve got to lose weight,” said Aziraphale.

Lose weight?  A shadow of a doubt crossed Crowley’s mind briefly, wondering if maybe it had been because of the exchange they had had at dinner.  But he put it out of his mind; he knew Aziraphale didn’t hold Crowley’s good opinion in such high regard, even if Crowley did think Aziraphale needed to lose weight, which he didn’t. Besides, it had only been a quick exchange; he was probably reading into it too much.

“Just use a miracle to change your shape if you want to be thin so bad,” said Crowley, who couldn’t comprehend why Aziraphale would suddenly want to take such a hard turn in his body image.

Aziraphale shook his head sadly.  “I’ll always know.  Deep down.”

“…What, like as in you’ve got buildup in your arteries?”

“I just want to be more svelte,” Aziraphale snapped.

“But why?” said Crowley.

Aziraphale drunkenly leaned forwards, pointing at the demon menacingly.  His blue-lensed glasses slid down his nose.  “That.  Is not any of your businessssssssss, you reptile!”

“All right, all right,” said Crowley, putting his hands up.  “But what made you think getting drunk is the way to lose weight?”

Aziraphale pushed his glasses back up, then reached behind the counter and slapped a pamphlet in front of Crowley.  “This doctor man says so,” said Aziraphale.

Crowley leaned forwards to see the pamphlet said:

THE DRINKING MAN’S DIET ROBERT CAMERON THE ORIGINAL LOW-CARB DIET HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT WITH A MINIMUM OF WILLPOWER

Also Recommended for Teetotalers

Crowley looked up at Aziraphale and quirked an eyebrow.

“I paid an entire dollar for this book, and I intend to use it,” Aziraphale slurred.  “For your information, gin, vodka, rum, brandy, whisky, and distilled spirits contain at most trace amounts of car—carbohindr…car… car-bo-hy-drates.”

“So?” said Crowley.

Aziraphale paused with another cotton ball halfway to his mouth.  “So?” he shrieked.  “That makes you lose weight!”

“And the glasses?” said Crowley, tapping the rims resting on Aziraphale’s nose.  “They what?  Make everything look a bit sadder?”

“For your information,” said Aziraphale, tossing another book onto the counter, “the color blue suppresses appetite.  It’s called the vision diet.”

“And the cotton balls?!”

“They fill your stomach!”

Crowley eyed the cottons balls on the counter, which were resting next to a jar of pills, which thankfully looked a bit more modern than the rest of Aziraphale’s materials.  “…Just don’t throw up.  You might take your nail polish off.  What are these?”  The pill bottle rattled as he picked it up.

“Oh!” said Aziraphale. “A very reliable salesman at the store assured me the weight would just fall off if I took one of those pills a day.”

Crowley paled a little as he recognised the bottle.  It was one of those supposed miracle weight loss cures that amounted to little more than sugar pills peddled extremely convincingly to gullible and desperate people, and Crowley had been partly responsible for this specific brand’s propagation.  It had seemed like a good low-grade evil at the time.

He struggled to think of a way to tell Aziraphale the pills wouldn’t work without telling him how he knew that, since that would surely merit him a stern—and drunken—talking-to from Aziraphale, who was clearly very irritated.  

He set the bottle down. “Look, angel, I’m saying this as a friend.  If you want to lose weight, all this junk and supposed cheat codes aren’t the way to do it. This isn’t healthy.  You have to exercise, and you have to eat fewer calories, fewer fats and more vegetables.  That’s the way to do it.”

Aziraphale looked at him blearily.  “Mmmm…how would you know about all that?  I’m positive you’ve never worked to lose weight in your entire life.”

“There’s an entire industry built around peddling this nonsense,” said Crowley, carefully avoiding who had contributed to it.  Famine tended to do most of the big legwork in this area, but Crowley may have encouraged the charlatans and snake oil salesmen…s…something oil…that came out of the woodworks to profit off of it, just a little bit.  “They profit off the fact that people are desperate to take a shortcut.  None of it’s really real.  They make money off making you feel bad about yourself. Their power would disappear the instant any of these humans looked in the mirror and decided they liked what they saw.”

“Fine,” Aziraphale snipped. “If it’s so easy, you do it.”

“I never said it was easy,” said Crowley.  “I’m telling you, just type it into Google if you don’t believe me.”

“Get out of my shop!” said Aziraphale.  “I think I know what I’m doing!  I don’t need you pestering me with un-asked for advice.”

Crowley sighed.  “All right.”

Aziraphale angrily watched his back as he exited the shop.  Aziraphale reached into the jar and took another cotton ball.  Then, he sighed, put it down, and went upstairs and booted up his personal computer.

“All right,” said Timothy, which happened to be the name of the dietician and fitness trainer Aziraphale had gone to consult.  “What’s your goal weight?”

Aziraphale scooted forwards in his chair to try and see what Tim was typing on his screen, but Tim tilted it away from him.  “Ah, my goal?” said Aziraphale.  “I’d like to be thin and beautiful.”

Tim chuckled.  “We have to set more specific goals if you want success, Mr Fell. Trust me, this always works better if you have a number in mind.”

“All right,” said Aziraphale.  “I’d like to weigh a hundred and fifty pounds.”

Tim’s eyes swept up and down Aziraphale, and his lip curled.  “Mmmm….I’ll…I’ll mark your first stepping stone at two hundred.  Now let’s set a time frame.  What do you think is a reasonable amount of time to lose forty pounds?”

“Oh, well I’d like it to be as soon as possible,” said Aziraphale.  “Do you think we could do it in a week?  How many cotton balls would I have to eat to make that happen?”

Aziraphale walked out of the dietician’s office with a meal plan, an exercise routine, and a sinking feeling that he would have to start lopping limbs off to make the numbers on the scale go down.

Tim had asked how many calories Aziraphale usually ate in a day, and Aziraphale had asked what the devil a calorie was, and assured Tim he was sure he had never eaten such a thing in his whole life.  That had given Tim a better idea of what kind of work he had cut out for him, and had been able to adjust his calculations accordingly.

The plan on the paper, Tim assured him, would get him to 200 pounds by March, if he followed it to the letter.

Aziraphale worked on the exercise part first, because that seemed easiest.  Tim had agreed that jogging would be an acceptable start, so Aziraphale dug out a pair of track shorts that had been long buried at the bottom of his wardrobe, snapping the elastic against his skin and then moving on to try and find a sweatband.  He put on his running shoes, then stepped outside.

Perfect.  The weather was good and there weren’t many people in the street.  All he’d have to do was jog down the sidewalk, and then he’d lose weight, and then Crowley would love him.

Aziraphale started; the feeling of his weight bouncing was not entirely comfortable, and he soon made the discovery that he couldn’t do this activity while wearing his glasses because the heavy lenses wouldn’t stay situated on his face.  He made a U-turn and put his glasses back in the shop.  He didn’t really need them anyway; they were mostly for aesthetics.

He started a second time, only to realise he should probably get some music to listen to.  He veered back into the shop and found his Zune, sitting disused in his desk drawer, and put his headphones in.

He set out a third time and got halfway down the block before thinking he should probably bring a water bottle in case he got dehydrated.  While he was there, he got some reflective stickers so that motorists could see him in case in got dark.

“All right,” said Aziraphale, while his Zune played “Eye of the Tiger” at the appropriate moment. “Let’s do this.”

He jogged.  After a while, his legs started to hurt, but he reminded himself no pain meant no gain.  His knees also felt the brunt of the impact of his feet on the sidewalk, but it’s not like he had to worry about arthritis.

He stopped when his legs felt like they were Jell-O and couldn’t support his weight anymore. Gasping, wiping his brow with his sweatband, and feeling like his workout should be quite close to over by now, he looked up to see how far he had gone.  He could still see the bookshop at the end of the block.

Aziraphale very quickly convinced himself he didn’t have time to exercise, what with how busy he was with angelic work and all that, and Crowley had seemed to be hitting the mischief quite a bit harder than usual lately, and maybe after things had calmed down a little he could really put his mind to this exercise thing, but not now, because he was too distracted.

But the diet portion of Tim’s plan he could do, surely.  Not exercising would slow it down a little, but he would still get there.  After showering, Aziraphale took the meal plan out and looked at it.

He frowned.  “That doesn’t seem right.”

He mounted the stairs and fired up his computer again so he could access the internet and type in “how many calories should I eat in a day to lose weight?”

Crowley had thought that maybe he had done something to upset Aziraphale, so he was surprised when Aziraphale accepted his offer to go out to eat again.  Hopefully he would eat something more substantial than cotton balls.

Aziraphale was standing outside the restaurant smoking when Crowley got there.  This took him doubly by surprise, because Crowley sometimes smoked, but Aziraphale usually didn’t.

“Nicotine is an appetite suppressant,” was what Aziraphale said to answer the demon’s questioning gaze.

“…All right,” said Crowley, sensing that Aziraphale was very crabby and wanting to avoid a row.  “I’ll get us a table.  You can come inside when you’re done.”

Aziraphale came in as soon as Crowley sat down, and when he seated himself across from the demon, he immediately produced a bottle of apple cider vinegar and started to drink it.

Crowley stared at him.

Aziraphale put the bottle down and made eye contact with Crowley challengingly.

“Are you drinking apple cider vinegar?” Crowley asked, despite the fact that Aziraphale had just very clearly and unambiguously drunk apple cider vinegar.

“Yes.”

“…Why?”

“Because it tastes less horrible than plain vinegar.”

“But why are you drinking vinegar at all?”

“It’s called the vinegar diet.”

“And the vinegar diet consists of…?”

“Drinking vinegar.”

“Ah.”

Aziraphale just sat stewing without looking at the menu.  When the waiter came over, Crowley had a wonderful idea to try and cheer him up.

“I’ll have a slice of devil’s food cake, please.”  He glanced at Aziraphale, who didn’t seem to have noticed.  “And an order of deviled eggs, please,” Crowley tacked on quickly, to no response.

Crowley frowned. Usually when he ordered anything like that, Aziraphale found it uproariously funny but tried to hide his giggles behind polite coughs.  But he hadn’t responded at all.

Normally neither of these things was on the menu, but the server inexplicably found himself inclined to go check for them in the kitchen, where they would miraculously be waiting for him, at a thought from Crowley.  The server moved off to get his order for him, leaving the two of them alone.

The silence was awkward and unbearable.  The server brought Crowley’s order out, then asked Aziraphale if he wanted anything. Aziraphale asked if he could have the nutritional information for the items on the menu.  The server produced a special menu with dietary information on it, which Aziraphale scanned for a moment before distastefully ordering a salad and handing it back.

“So,” said Crowley, playing with his fork, “how’s the losing weight thing going, anyway?”

Aziraphale tensed up. “Fine,” he said through clenched teeth.

Crowley desperately wanted to ask why Aziraphale wanted to lose weight, but knew that with Aziraphale in such a foul mood, it would only earn him an irritated and snapped reply of no real substance.  The way he evaded the topic earlier indicated very clearly that it was for some reason Aziraphale didn’t want to say, which made Crowley think that maybe Heaven had had something to do with it.  He didn’t know what else could motivate the angel so thoroughly— and so bitterly.

Crowley dared not say anything until the server came out with Aziraphale’s salad—which he set about eating in a strangely methodic way.

“Um,” said Crowley. “Angel, are you….counting?”

“I have to chew salad exactly forty-two times,” said Aziraphale, without looking up from his salad as though it were a very difficult math problem.

“…Why?”

“‘Nature will castigate those who don’t masticate.’  Mr Fletcher.”

Crowley was too scared to ask what the hell that meant.  This version of Aziraphale was a nightmare.  He took another bite of cake.

“Look at you,” Aziraphale snarled.  “You and your cake.”

Crowley’s fork froze halfway to his mouth.  “Er…yes?”

Aziraphale looked like he wanted to flip the table.  “You’re a hypocrite, you know that?  You’re shallow and petty, and I don’t know why I expected anything more from someone like you.”

His voice rose steadily in volume until he was practically shouting, and those at the tables around them had gone silent and twisted to look at him.

Slowly, Crowley slipped his sunglasses out of his breast pocket and put them on, hoping they would keep Aziraphale from reading the expression on his face.  “I don’t know what you’re on about, Aziraphale.  But go fuck yourself.”

Aziraphale collected his coat and vacated the table without a further word, red with anger.

Aziraphale knew that he had just snapped at Crowley because he hadn’t had anything real to eat for days at that point.  And watching him eat as though he hadn’t a care in the world, and have that perfect figure, was just too much for him, when he was feeling weighted down so much recently—both literally and metaphorically.

He thought he hated Crowley for making him do this, which should have in theory made Aziraphale want to give up since impressing him wouldn’t be important any more.  But it wasn’t really that he hated Crowley.  It was the terrible, disgusting feeling of not being good enough in your own skin, of looking in the mirror and seeing someone that no one could ever love, not even yourself. And that made him decide to step it up and get this over with.  Anything to just feel okay with himself.

That’s how he ended up lying on the floor of the shop’s back room, stoned out of his mind.  He had bought a concoction of every drug he thought might be helpful and taken them all at once.

Currently, he was not enjoying it.  His hands had gone numb, and a faint roar of fuzzy static vibrated in the back of skull. His stomach felt like it was in knots. And he was having auditory hallucinations.

“Aziraphale,” said a faint voice, muffled, as though being transmitted through water.

“Who’s there?”

“It’s me.  I’m down here.”

“Who?”

“I’m in your stomach. You swallowed me earlier.”

Aziraphale looked down at his feet, which seemed to be miles away.  “Oh, worm?”

“That’s right,” gurgled the voice.  “And you might as well give up on this whole endeavor.  Just start stuffing yourself again and feed me.  You’ll always be an ugly blob.  There’s no use fighting it.”

“Listen here, you!” said Aziraphale indignantly.  “You’re one to talk!  You’re a tapeworm living in someone else’s stomach!”

“Aziraphale?” said a voice that sounded suspiciously like Crowley’s.  He felt something ghost against his arm, and waved his hands wildly to try and dispatch it.

“Get off me!  Go away!  I’m going to do this!”

“Aziraphale?” repeated the voice, and this time Aziraphale felt his perception of reality snap back into place so fast he almost got whiplash.  He was sprawled out on the floor, and Crowley was kneeling beside him, hovering over him.

“Oh, thank somebody,” said Crowley.  “I thought you might be dying.”

Aziraphale sat up. “What happened?  What?  When did you get here?”

“I just came over and you were lying down and yelling about how I was living in someone else’s stomach. Then I noticed you had overdosed on enough drugs to tranquilize a horse and performed a miracle so you wouldn’t get discorporated, you bloody idiot.”

Aziraphale looked over at the pill bottles that still lay spilled everywhere.  “’s how Elvis lost weight,” he offered sheepishly.

“You know how Elvis died, right?”

“…’s not dead, you know.”

“All right,” said Crowley. “This has gone from kind of funny to genuinely worrying, Aziraphale.  What’s really going on?”

Aziraphale didn’t make eye contact, looking downcast.  “’ve just got to lose weight, that’s all.”

Crowley stared at him for a second, gears in his head turning.  “All right.  I think I see what’s going on here.”

“You do?” said Aziraphale, suddenly worried that Crowley would figure it out and then they’d have to have a conversation about their feelings.

Crowley stood. “Yes.  I know exactly what’s happening here. And I’m going to fix it.  You wait here.”

And he ran out the front door on a mission, leaving Aziraphale leaning blearily on the couch.

The Newtrition Corp.’s executive headquarters were stationed in New York, in a very tall building that made sure whoever was at the top could look down on the entire city.  This is what Raven Sable was currently doing, looking out the impressive wall made of glass panes that afforded the breathtaking view.  Behind him, his marketing strategiser was pecking away on a tablet with a very small keyboard.

“Penny, write this down,” said Sable.

Penny swiped her screen and opened a new document.

Sable tented his fingers. “America has been the biggest challenge yet.  There’s just so much food everywhere.  Wait, don’t write this down.  It’s just my philosophical preamble. Penny?  Penny, I can hear you writing it down.”

“Sorry.”

Sable turned around and spread his arms wide.  “There’s food everywhere.  Countries with scarce resources are hardly a challenge anymore. That’s why I was drawn to America. Have you seen how much corn there is in the Midwest?  How could anyone possibly starve in this country?  I’ve managed to convince them to throw a lot of it away, but it doesn’t even make a dent.”

Penny pecked away on her undersized keyboard, nodding.  She never understood a single thing her boss said, but she had learned he was the kind of eclectic genius that you just needed to wait around until he was done spouting nonsense and got to a good idea, and then the money would start pouring in.

“That’s where we came in several years ago,” said Sable.  “And CHOW has been a massive success.  There’s a kind of modern beauty in someone being simultaneously overweight and undernourished.  But we need to go deeper.”

“Deeper, sir?”

“We need to start them earlier.  Too many parents are still making their kids eat their vegetables.”  He tented his hands. “What if—and hear me out—what if we made a product exclusively for children?”

Penny popped her gum. “We’d have to compete with Lunchables and Kid Cuisine.”

“We can undercut them by making our product slightly less expensive,” said Sable.  “Something that will fit in a lunchbox, and has just the right amount of sugar.  Or, wait, even better.” He pointed at Penny.  “Tell me, Penny. What’s the best part of a Happy Meal?”

Penny looked at him boredly, knowing he was just going to tell her anyway regardless of her answer.

“The fact that it comes with a toy,” Sable answered himself.  “But what if we made a version of a Happy Meal that came with no toy.”

“So…just a meal?”

“Yes, you’ve got it!”

Penny, who couldn’t help but feel her boss’s natural talent had been steadily slipping since a certain visit to Tadfield a few decades ago, looked at Sable doubtfully.  “We already sell a product called Meals.”

Sable paused, seeming to think very hard.  “Ah…Of course we do.  I know that. It wouldn’t just be called Meals.  It could be…Meals for kids!”

“A kid’s meal?”

“Yes!”

“That’s what Burger King already calls theirs.”

Whatever potential embarrassment would have come upon Sable in his reply was spared him, for at that moment there was a commotion in the hall, and a man in a suit and dark glasses shoved his way past the security guards and tumbled into the office.

“Sir, you can’t go in there!”

“Piss off, the lot of you!” the intruder shouted.

“Well, well!” said Sable. “Donnie, let the man in, it’s obvious he’s got something very important to say.”

The security guard retreated slightly, still looking at the newcomer suspiciously.

Sable sat down at his desk. His eyes swept up and down Crowley, seeming to see there was something off about him even through the dark glasses. “Penny, Donnie, give us a minute alone, will you?”

The room was cleared of humans in a few seconds.  Crowley straightened his tie and took a seat across from Sable’s desk.  “Thank you.”

Sable produced a bottle of liquor from somewhere and offered the demon some.  Crowley politely declined, feeling it would be unwise to have anything to eat or drink offered to him by Famine, of all people.

“More for me,” said Sable, shrugging.  He poured himself a glass, then took a luxurious sip before speaking.  “So, care to introduce yourself, Mr ...?”

“You know damn well who I am,” Crowley growled.

“Ah…” said Sable.  “Of course…old sport.”

“You’ve done something to my friend,” said Crowley.  “And I demand you knock it off immediately.”

“Your friend is…?”

“Aziraphale, the Guardian of the Eastern Gate, of course.”

Sable smiled.  “Ah, the Garden was a bit before my time, unfortunately.”

“Wait…I’m older than you?” said Crowley, who had somehow gotten into the habit of assuming anyone who was more powerful than him had to have been birthed in the stormy origins of the universe long before he was even thought of.

“’Fraid so…old sport.”

“Never mind that,” said Crowley viciously.  “You’ve done something to him.  I know it was you.  I demand you fix him.  Back to the way he was before.”

Sable stared at Crowley very, very hard, seeming to look right through his sunglasses and stare into his core.

Sable snapped his fingers. “Crowley.”

“Yes?”

“I remember you from that thing you did with the diet pills.  Excellent craftsmanship.”

“Oh, you noticed that?” said Crowley, brightening.  “All in a day’s work, really.  If—No! No, I’m angry with you.  My friend Aziraphale. Fix him.”

Sable tossed back the rest of his drink and poured himself more.  “Mmm…can’t say I’ve done any work on angels recently.  Not that I recall.  Not really in my job description.”

“Oh don’t bullshite me,” said Crowley.  “All infernal agents are encouraged to attack celestial ones.”

Sable swirled his alcohol. “Crowley…I’m not from Hell.”

“Of course you are. Where else would you be from? Heaven?”

Sable eyed him sardonically. “Crowley…I sprung from humanity. I’m not from Heaven or Hell.  I’m a kind of tulpa.”

“Wh…” said Crowley.

“Meaning I work on humans.  Tell me, this friend of yours, I assume he’s become obsessed with losing weight, is that it?”

“Yes.”

“Mm, I can see why you were confused.  But between you and me, just as friends.”  He motioned Crowley to lean in closer.  “There’s a limit to what I can do, but if you want someone to really, truly, self-destructively motive themselves, fear of personal rejection does any number of things on a psyche.”  He leaned back, looking self-satisfied.

“Fear of personal rejection?” said Crowley, tasting the concept on his tongue.

Sable nodded.  “Yes.  Now, Mr Crowley, since we’ve discussed your problem, I think we should discuss mine next.”  He stood and pulled a screen down from the ceiling; on it was displayed a line graph, which squiggled up and down indecipherably.  “That thing you did with the diet pills encouraged salesmen to peddle them at considerably higher prices than usual, which increased their revenue, but as you can see it made our profits dip by 3%...”

Crowley high-tailed it out of America as fast he could, coming back over to England with newfound perspective.

Aziraphale, meanwhile, was still in his shop exactly where Crowley had left him.  He was crying.***  He could not imagine where Crowley had gone or what he could possibly have to say when he came back.

***Aziraphale did not cry very often.  He had cried at the burning of the Library of Alexandria, the crucifixion of Christ, and he had secretly cried while reading The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch and trying to decipher how exactly to keep the world from ending.

He curled up on the sofa and waited miserably.

Finally, he heard the front door open and close softly, and footsteps clicked towards him.  Aziraphale looked up to see Crowley put a white box on the table they always had drinks on.

“What’s that?” said Aziraphale.

Crowley unfolded the box to reveal an impeccably iced cake with shavings of white chocolate on top. “Eat this,” said Crowley.

Aziraphale bumbled upright, glowering.  “You have some nerve.”

“Angel,” said Crowley. He sat on the couch and took the angel’s hand, which sent a thrill of some unnamed emotion coursing through Aziraphale.  His hands were surprisingly warm.  “Do you want to lose weight?  Do you really want to?”

Slowly, he shook his head.

“Then why are you doing this to yourself?”

“B-because,” he sobbed, finally out with it.  “Because I don’t want you to think I’m ugly.”

Crowley’s hands squeezed his.  “I don’t think you’re ugly.”

Aziraphale sniffled. “You don’t?”

“Of course not,” said Crowley.

“But you said being thin was the ‘aesthetic.’”

“Angel,” said Crowley, smiling sadly.  “You’re not a fancy electronic device.  You’re my friend.”

“Oh.”

“Did you really think I want you to be thin like a phone or sleek like a car or what-have-you?  Come on, Aziraphale, you’ve been a plump bookshop owner wearing questionable clothes for centuries now.  I wouldn’t want you to change a single thing about yourself. That’s what I lo…”

Aziraphale looked up sharply as the word almost left Crowley’s lips.  Crowley’s eyes widened, and he wished he had been wearing his glasses.  He plunged on before they could linger on it.  “And besides, I know this isn’t what you really look like, remember?”

“What I ‘really’ look like?”

“Y’know.  I’ve seen the version with four heads and the billion eyes and whatnot.”

“Oh.”  Aziraphale had spent so long in a human body he had almost forgotten about that, if he were honest with himself.

“And for the record, that one’s not too hard on the eyes either.”  The embarrassing truth was he found Aziraphale’s inhuman form curiously attractive, and had been wondering if having four faces meant Aziraphale had four of any other parts of his anatomy.  Not that he’d been fantasising.

“Oh,” said Aziraphale, reddening.  “Crowley, I suppose I should…apologise for yelling at you.”

Crowley looked a bit rumpled.  “Hmm…Yes, you should.”

“You’re not shallow or petty or any of those things I said about you.  You’re wonderful.”

Crowley tried not to blush. “W-well,” he stammered.  “You were cranky because you hadn’t eaten.”

“Still.”

Crowley sighed.  “Look, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight.  But you have to do it for yourself, because you want it.  Not for someone else, and not because you think you ‘should.’”

“But you really don’t think it looks bad?” said Aziraphale.  “All the humans seem convinced it’s improper.”

Crowley’s serpentine tongue flicked out briefly, and he edged closer to Aziraphale.  “Well, I mean, personally I think it’s better for hugging if the other person has a little padding.  And there are some groups that think your body type is attractive.  You could think of yourself as a bear.”

Aziraphale eyed him sharply. “Crowley, you don’t have to make fun of me.”

“No, no,” said Crowley. “It’s what they call people who look like you.  It’s a compliment.”

“Oh,” said Aziraphale. “A bear?  Then what would they call you?”

Crowley didn’t answer. They had called him a twunk, but he thought that was too embarrassing to share.  “S’not important.  But you’re not ugly, all right?  And even if you were ugly, who cares?  I can think of worse things to be than ugly.”

“All right,” said Aziraphale.  “You’re right.”

“Now, stop punishing yourself over it.”

“Do you want a hug?”

“What?”

“You said earlier it was ‘better for hugging.’  Do you want to hug?”

Crowley fiddled with the embroidery on the couch.  “...Yes.”

Aziraphale’s arms came around him and squeezed.  Just as predicted, it contained exactly the right amount of squish, and it was even better than Crowley had imagined.

“Great,” said Aziraphale, disengaging.

“Great,” said Crowley. He got up and went back to the table, picking up the serving knife the cake had come with.  “Now come on.  This cake isn’t going to eat itself.”

“Oooh,” said Aziraphale delectably.  “What kind is it?”

“What else?” said Crowley. “Angel food.”

Aziraphale smiled and tried to hide his laughter in his shirt sleeve.

[am-i-rreally-okaay]

nobody follows this account so nobody can care that I basically fell off the face of the earth when it comes to this account lol

its so weird to think about how things have been since I last posted in July 2019. we'll divide things up into my dysphoria, my crush, and any other random things

dysphoria

my dysphoria has not changed, I haven't progressed with my transition at all lol I'm still going by Cody and he/him but I can't progress further, medically or legally, for various reasons

medically, my therapist said she'd be willing to write me a letter for HRT if I worked on my anxiety with her, but then the next week (this was like December 2019 or so) she said she needed to talk to me about my dysphoria first. it makes sense I guess, but idk why she didn't just say that the first week we talked about it but eh. I find that my therapist probably isn't a good fit for me in general because I feel like there's a weird language barrier, not because we speak different languages but because we use the same words to mean different things and I have this same issue with my mom too so idk what the deal is but yeah

legally, I want to change my name, but I have to live in the state of Minnesota for 6 months before I can even file a petition for that, as well as being 18. so in June I can start that process, although idk if it'll actually go that smoothly lol

I have a plan for my transition, so I'll be fine in a couple years most likely

crush

I spent time gushing about my crush last post so I felt the need to update, though I probably won't mention him again after this. in 2019, things were great though after August we called less frequently but we still texted all the time. we had a call in September and then in December and we haven't called since (: we still texted often but he got a job in January-ish and so he started talking less, but it was okay. eventually he started disappearing for weeks at a time, which was also okay I got used to it especially after ye olde plague started work got busy for him and its fine, I understand. it only became an issue after he started being gone for months. I heard from him on September 1st, and then nothing until October 26th, and I haven't heard from him since.. it's very hard for me to admit that there's a problem, especially something like this where I'm probably being ghosted whether intentionally or not, but idk. I'm still waiting, nothing anyone says will convince me otherwise, just let me be. I'll give up eventually

random

I fell on the stairs in August 2019 and I was on crutches for 6 weeks due to injuring my knee after that incident lol

we moved! in October 2020 lol maybe it was obvious when I said I need to have lived in Minnesota for 6 months to change my name but yeah

last but not least, I'm trying to lose weight for the hundredth time in the last 3 years lol I have a hard time with food and my weight for various reasons, though it seems to tie back into my dysphoria, but I struggle to minimize my calories in a healthy manner. my brain always tells me to reduce it more and more until I'm practically starving myself. I'm aware of the issue but idk how to solve it. but I'd like to lose weight, and maybe build muscle, just to help with my dysphoria a bit as well as the fact that weighing more than I should is unhealthy. I'm not like obese but I'm overweight for sure and it bothers me

that's all, folks!

[winxrus]

World of Winx season 2 review

SPOILERS BELOW

Now that I’ve said bye bye high school,  let’s talk about WOW!

~(beware my ability to make gifs)~

Holy canoli.

This season was A-MAZING! Definitly better than the last one, and I loved season 1.

Things I utterly loved:

The winx

-Bloom

Okay maybe Bloom in the beginning was a a bit spotlighted (what else is new) and I had to take innumerable deep breaths whenever she sang or was mentioned that SHE was the one who wrote the lyrics for the band, I must say that she was great in this season. I found really interesting how her nemesis was approached: The fact that nobody else could see her but Bloom, how the others thought she was a little “cuco cuco” with her actions and words but always worried for her. Idk I liked it, it made her vulnerable and not so FOREVER INVINCIBLE. She was great in this season.

-Stella

Oh, my heart. I believe Stella’s personality was one that definitely was rescued, I found myself laughing more with her, she wasn’t so “exaggeratingly eccentric and childish”, she showed that she was aware of what she was capable of without being cocky. She was more mature.   And when her nemesis brought back her childhood insecurities (COF COF FLASHBACK SEASON 2) that nearly crushed me. Stella isn’t confident all the time, she doesn’t find herself perfect nor adored by everyone. She has her insecurities and demons and she overcame them and that is such an important message…Stella you won my heart.

(And fuck you mermaids)

-Flora

HANDS UP FOR THE SHY BADASS FLORA! HER POWERS WERE ON! Seriously, I know that in beginning she was considered one of the most powerful fairies of the squad, but I couldn’t see it until now! I mean, the way she defeated her Nemesis and managed to restore (even if it was only for some seconds) the forest of the world of dreams made me speechless. You go Flora, you goddess, Nature is powerful indeed! Plus, extra kudos for the flower scene…WOW knows what truly is important and what messages should be transmitted to the audience.

(I also adored her playful side, so kawaii)

-Musa

#letmusasing

(Despite that) I got many good surprises from Musa in this season, in fact, she features one of my favorites scenes:

I said- I CAN’T SLEEP WITH THE LIGHTS ON!- I died in that scene.

Her personality was back: Boy did I miss the sassy, bossy and “I’m gonna kick your ass you pirate son of a witch” Musa.  Yes she’s more feminine but she knows when to raise her hand and voice on a tough sitch! (Not to mention how to stop fires) And even tho she has that tough side of hers, they were loyal to her soft side: she still is a dreamy person, creative, emotional and feels things intensively. I love that. [thinks about the scene where she stares at the ceiling of the theater].

I loved how she was more involved with music during the show, either in casual short scenes or in her powers.  Speaking of wich, one of the things that I believe WOW ruled was exploring their powers individually: I got so many shivers at the Notre Dame scene, when those bells started playing the theme song in such a sweet delicate melody *dies*, all in all, Musa worked a lot with sound waves and finally did something that I was dying for her to experience! – Eco localization.

I say yes to the Paris lover/rules at gymnastics Musa(I mean she pratically had a Quasimodo moment on Notre Dame) and I hope we can see her singing more instead of just testing the sound…

-Tecna

My baby, my precious. I felt like my soul left my body when I saw her fighting Virus with the sword. EPPPIC! Tecna is not all about computers in WOW, she actually shows how clever and perceptive she is. I meam sure she loves technology and all that but her logic isn’t dependent on a computer: she can fight, she can think, she learns how to trust her instincts (one of her biggest battles during the whole show) and she can also be goofy, kind, an amazing friend and a beautiful “control freak” *w* (yes my girl loves her shit in order prob TINK?!)

-Layla (Don’t care she’ll always be Layla to me)

Was I the only one who felt she was very bitchy during the whole season? And not just with Matt but, well, in general. Anywho, tossing that to the side, I liked her character development, how she learnt to trust Matt and that, episode by episode, her faith on him was growing. I also liked how they portraited her as a girl who “doesn’t think before she acts”, who’s impulsive and wants to get down to business, because Layla is brave, strong and powerful and dealing with her Akeles heels also seemed interesting to me (even tho I found her Nemesis the most boring).  Her powers got another turn: she was a morphix fairy, then fluids fairy(1st movie), then fairy of waves and now back to the fluids (I’m actually pretty okay with that).

Thumbs up on the sarcasm and on the more screen time.

New characters and plot

I found the plot itself very interesting. Once again, it’s like Disney, Once upon a time ad winx had a baby and Dragon is it good.

The story was intriguing, the characters design was beautiful and unique: in love with Matt’s hair, the pirates concept was awesome and the mermaids style was so back to rainbow 2008 art! Heck even the nemesis look incredible even tho some scared the shit out of me(yes virtigo and banshee i’m talking to you). The songs were also good (mainly onirix), there wasn’t an episode where I felt like”END ALREADY”. I SAY HELL YEAH to transformation sequences that seduce me. I specially loved how well their powers were explored, how Flora was so incredible and SHE TRAVELLED THROUGHT THE ROOTS OF THE PLANTS OF THE EARTH YALL, Layla surprised me with the way she managed to control water….They’re not just “naming powers” that look the same,this is deep stuff guys, each fairy is powerful because of their uniqueness and essense and that amazed me.

Summing up: 5 STARS!

So that’s why I’m just going to state the things that slightly annoyed me (EVEN THO THE GOOD THINGS OVERWEIGHT THE BAD ONES, THE BAD ONES ARE PARTICALLY NOTHING BIG OR DRAMATIC)

-How Tinkerbell gave up her powers-“Tinkerbell, you can’t get rid off your powers for someone you just met!” I mean, I’m a romantic person, I’m all about the cheesy loving stuff, but that was too much, too desperate and quick. Their whole love story was pretty much like that and I was actually excited when they met in forest, but now… No me gusta.

-I know plenty of people shipped Tinkerbell and Matt but…

I WANT ANSWERS

-The winx in action (as fairies in the world of dreams) I felt like they were more powerful individually in this season than together. Yeah, we got some nice convergence scenes but they didn’t seem so BAAAM you know? Like in the finally battle what did they do? It’s not that I don’t like Onirix, I actually found it very nice (including song and outfits) but when during action time? Ehhh…

-#letmusasing

-Tecna only makes shields…I only liked when she fought without being transformed, when she could just touch the floor and get acess to the systm in the room, her logical vision, her fighting skills, etc… Onirix was just boring for her ☹

Do I want a third season?

 YES and no. Yes, cuz damn I’m loving WOW so far but no because we all know in this fandom what happens to things when they get long…they end up “corrupted”, ruined, fucked.

So yeah there you go 😊 Thank you Netflix for bringing my girls back, for restoring their personalities, their “badassness”. For giving important mature messages without making the show childish and dull. For reminding us that our fairies rule with or without magic and that they’re not completely lost. Thank you for making me really happy and hopeful.

(I bet Venomya would cringe at my review…)

[cosmicsignificance]

“Fat” is not an antonym of “anorexic.” You can absolutely be fat and anorexic at the same time. Everyone needs to acknowledge that, especially your doctor. Anorexia (or any other eating disorder, for that matter) is no less dangerous or unhealthy for a person who is deemed medically “overweight” or “obese.” Your body needs nourishment no matter what size it is. If your doctor ever suggests otherwise, you need to run the other way, ideally toward another doctor who understands the complex realities of human health and is legitimately committed to their patients’ best interests. 

CW under the cut for eating disorders, extreme fat shaming abuse by medical professionals (related to fat shaming), drug misuse mention, details of my personal experiences with all of them. Pretty triggering stuff, so please take caution when reading!! Also, this is okay to reblog. 

So, I've been reflecting on some of the experiences I've had with doctors in the past, and I've realized that a lot of them were...really fucked up. While I intend to write a blog post about these experiences to make a point about how normalized medical abuse toward fat people is, I want to share one anecdote here, because I want to be open about my own struggles and I want others to understand that this happens, all the time. 

Anyway, I'm fat. I have always been fat. Considering that my weight is related to chronic illness and other metabolic problems, chances are that I will always be fat. I know this. My family knows this. All of my doctors know this. None of us need your input on it. I am lucky to have found some good doctors who understand the realities of my mind and my body and are committed to keeping me as healthy as possible under the circumstances. However, it has not always been this way.

Recently, I have been coming to terms with the fact that I, at one point, met the criteria for an eating disorder, one that involved an obsession with limiting the amount of calories I was consuming daily. Undereating, not overeating. Yes, that's possible even when you're fat. I have also been coming to terms with the fact that I shared information with medical professionals that should have hinted at this, and that they ignored and even encouraged my ED BECAUSE I was fat. Either because they didn't believe what I told them, or because they thought I could stand to lose a few pounds, even if the price for that weight loss was dangerous malnutrition. I don't know which one for sure, but it doesn't matter, because the impact is the same.

Specifically, I told my doctor (or, my doctor at the time; I stopped going to him a while ago, thank God, and he's retired now) that I had been using diet apps to limit myself to no more than 1000 calories per day, and moreover, that I was using the Adderall I had been prescribed for ADHD to help me drastically limit my caloric intake. He also knew that, during this time, I was running long-distance and was just more physically active every day than most people are. In case you're unaware, 1000 calories is not nearly enough for anybody to consume per day. Let alone someone in the situation I was in at the time: a relatively large person (by which I mean my build, not necessarily my weight) who was pushing their body to physical extremes regularly while also on Adderall, a medication which is known to burn additional calories. In fact, many doctors recommend that patients on Adderall should try to eat a little bit more (or try to eat more nutritional food, at least) than they would otherwise to make up for the effects Adderall has on the body.

In other words, this information should have set off some major red flags for my doctor. At the very least, he should have told me that the patterns I had developed were problematic and unhealthy and that I should try to discontinue them, if not take steps to help me do so. Instead, I shit you not, he commended me for my demonstration of self control and actually suggested that I try to cut my calorie intake down to 800 per day until I started seeing the results I wanted to. Even at the time, this seemed wrong to me. I brought it up to some people around me, but nobody seemed particularly concerned, because after all, I was still fat. No one seemed to believe that I could be both fat and malnourished, even though I was showing some signs of serious undernourishment, such as hair falling out in clumps, grey-ish skin, some weird discoloration in the whites of my eyes etc. Scary stuff, really.

As I type this now, I cannot even believe that it happened to me, but I know that it did, and I need everyone else to know this too. I suspect that my experience is way more common than any of us would like to believe, and I want others to know it constitutes medical abuse and it is extremely dangerous. It's been hard for me, even harder than I thought it would be, to open up about this. I'm hesitating even now to post it. But I will. Because I've made a vow to myself to be open about my experiences in hopes to raise awareness and to benefit others with similar experiences.

If you've read this whole thing or even part of it, I want to thank you for sticking with me. And if you ever experience something like this yourself, or if you already have, I want you to know that you are not alone, that it is/was NOT okay at all for a medical professional to act this way, and that you are not at fault for the abusive practices of medical professionals, Finally, and very importantly, your experiences and the feelings you have about them are entirely valid, and my inbox if open if you ever find yourself wanting someone to reach out to.

Also, to anybody who reads this and may be concerned about me, I want you to know that this is in the past now, so there's no need to worry. Thank you all, and please take care of yourselves. <3

Since I already know I’m gonna get trolls in my inbox over this, I want to make clear that I’m just going to delete any hateful asks I receive without even reading past the first line. I know I’ll get these kind of asks anyway, but...I thought y’all should know you’re just wasting your time. 

[such-a-common-girl]

Perfect to Me (Daryl Dixon x Reader)

Words: 1,802

Daryl Dixon x Reader

Request: You’ve always been insecure about your weight, as you’ve always been slightly chubby. This has prevented you from telling Daryl Dixon how you feel about him, since you think he could never have feelings for you back, but you’re proven otherwise one day when Daryl overhears someone talking bad about your weight and he punches them in the face.

Warnings: Asshole OC character, language, self-deprecating thoughts, angst, fluff

a/n: wow i just wanna give a big shout out to my beta reader, @cannedpicklenumber1 cause they’re amazing and they helped greatly w this

Insecurities.

Everyone has them. Whether it’s about their face, their personality, or anything else they deem not good enough. Yours, in particular, happens to be your weight.

Even when you were younger, you’d always been a little chubbier than the average person. It didn’t bother you until you got into high school, and you started to become very aware and insecure about your weight and body shape. You wanted nothing more than to look like those models on the magazines. These insecurities never went away, and now here you are- living in Alexandria during the literal zombie apocalypse, and crushing on a man who you deem practically impossible to get: Daryl Dixon.

Oh, how do you even begin to explain how you feel for the man? When your respective groups had decided to combine back at the prison, you fell in love with him almost immediately. Who wouldn’t? He’s impeccably strong, and despite his rough demeanor, he has proven to be quite the nice and caring man. You’d seen that side of him a few times.

You’ve harbored these feelings for quite a while now, and they’ve only skyrocketed ever since arriving in Alexandria. You have no doubt they aren’t returned, though. In your mind, there is no way that he could ever feel that way about you- he’s strong, and he’s a leader. He would go for someone like Rosita; someone who is small, beautiful, and thin. He would never go for someone like you, who’s only average looking and overweight, right?

The only person who knows of your feelings for him, Maggie, insists that it’s just your insecurities speaking. “He likes you, I know it. He acts differently towards you, more caring and sweet, more so than he even is with Carol. He’s just not good at communicating his feelings, but if you told him how you feel, I can almost guarantee that he would tell you he feels the same.”

She’s told you those kinds of things repeatedly, but despite all of this, you can’t help but just feel like you aren’t good enough.

Sighing, you tear yourself out of your self-deprecating thoughts. You’re currently lying in bed, your eyes fluttering open as the morning sun shines through the window. You get out of the comfort of your bed, changing your clothes and getting ready for the day before heading out. You had promised Maggie you’d help her with the garden today, and you fully intend to do so.

Stepping out the front door of your house and onto your patio, you take in the environment around you. Rick and Daryl are standing just off to the left of your house, on Daryl’s front porch, discussing something intently.

Daryl notices you and gives you a small wave, making blush creep onto your cheeks. It’s small things like this that make you all giddy around him. You smile and wave back to him before making your way down the steps of your porch, but something stops you. Spencer and a new guy that showed up to Alexandria only a day after your group arrived, Mason, were yelling at each other and pushing each other around on the street in front of your house. They were doing little jabs at each other, like they wanted to come to physical blows but no one had made the first punch yet.

“Fuck you,” Mason shoves Spencer to the ground, arguing about who knows what. It’s no secret that they dislike each other, and you’re sure that Spencer had it coming to him, but you dislike Mason with such a passion that you don’t care.

Ever since you came to Alexandria, he’d been the one (and only) person to make sly comments about your weight. It’d never be upfront, or said directly, but you knew he was silently making fun of you for it. You’ve always been insecure about yourself, and this didn’t help your self confidence in the least bit.

“What the hell are you lookin’ at?” Mason notices you glancing over at their quarrel, glaring at you.

“Nothing.” You shake your head, not interested in getting in between their fight.

“Nah, you’ve obviously got something to say. Speak up.” He challenges you, a slight look of amusement in his eyes. This catches Daryl’s attention, who’s still speaking to Rick on the front lawn a few houses down. He looks at Mason, and then back at you, a look of concern in his eyes.

“I think you should maybe stop treating everyone like shit and do your work.” You challenge him back. Mason is known for being quite the asshole around Alexandria, and you’re sick and tired of it. Everyone has it hard around here, and nobody needs him to make it worse. “Maybe instead of being a dick to everybody and picking fights, you should actually do your job for once and be helpful in the community. Or, you know, just be thankful that they let you stay here.”

“You’re just a fat slob, you’re no help around here either.” Mason shakes his head, a smirk appearing on his lips. “Lose some weight and help out the group, maybe then you can boss me around.”

“Oh.” Your voice comes out in a chilled whisper, your head dropping in embarrassment. The last thing you wanted to come out of this was a humiliation driven cry fest, but when it comes to people making fun of your insecurities in front of others, let alone Daryl Dixon for god’s sake, that’s all you feel like doing right now.

“Yeah, so shut your fat mouth and bother someone else.” He finishes harshly.

You’re unable to think of anything to say back, you seem frozen in place. The only thing going through your mind is his words on a repeated cycle, seemingly taunting you. “You’re just a fat slob...shut your fat mouth and bother someone else…” What breaks you out of this trance, though, is seeing Daryl storm over to Mason and deck him in the face.

It’s almost slow-motion like. Daryl’s face, full of anger, as he walks quickly over to Mason. His fist is already up before he even gets to him, and Mason’s face is full of horror. Daryl hits him straight in the nose, causing Mason to fall over onto the ground, his face already bloodied up from one punch.

“Fuckin’ say that again, I dare ‘ya.” Daryl stands over Mason threateningly. “Y/N is beautiful, inside and out. She’s amazin’ an’ she does more for this place than you ever do, ‘ya steaming pile of shit. Get outta here before I kill ‘ya.”

Mason’s eyes go wide as he scrambles to his feet, using his hand to pinch his bloody nose closed. He nods before running off in the other direction, presumably back over to his house.

Daryl turns over to you, the anger in his face diminishing when he sees the shocked look on your face at what he just did. He walks over to you, pulling you into a hug, something he’s never done before.

“Are ‘ya okay?” Daryl asks you as his arms tighten around you.

“Yeah, thank you, but you didn’t have to do that. Really.”  You pull away, giving a weak smile. “Is your hand okay? You punched him pretty hard.”

“All that just happened, and you’re worried about my hand?”

“Your knuckles are bleeding because of me, yes I’m worried.”

“‘Ya shouldn’t be.” He shakes his head. “I’d do it over again. Ain’t nobody gonna talk to you like that again.”

“Really, you don’t have to feel the need to defend me and say stuff like that. It’s no big deal, I’ve heard all that stuff before. Remember the governor? He was a real asshole about it.”

“‘Ya think I was just sayin’ that to scare him off?” Daryl furrows his eyebrows.

“Were you not?”

“Y/N…” He trails off. “I, uh, I don’ really know how to say this, I ain’t good with that whole expressin’ your feelings crap, but ever since ‘ya came to the prison, I’ve had feelings for ‘ya, and I don’t know if ‘ya feel the same way or not, but…”

“You’re being serious? You actually have feelings for me, or is this just some elaborate prank you’re pulling?” You step away from him, barely able to comprehend what is going on.

“Why would I lie about that? You’re beautiful, Y/N. The most beautiful girl I’ve ever met. People would be stupid to not like ‘ya.”

 “It doesn’t bother you that I’m, y’know? Plus sized?”

“I don’ care about your size, that shit don’ bother me. You’re amazin’.” Daryl lets out a small smile, which is something you don’t see very often. You love seeing him smile, it suites him. “Can I kiss ‘ya?”

“Yes.” Your voice comes out whispered, all thoughts of what just happened out of your head. The only thing that matters now is Daryl, how he just professed his feelings for, and the fact that he’s actually about to kiss you.

His lips press up against yours lightly, giving you a soft and short kiss before pulling away. You know this is very out of character for him, to show affection like this, so he must like you a lot to act this way.

“I’ve been wantin’ to do that for a long time now.” He grins.

“Yeah, me too.” You laugh.

Rick calls Daryl back over to where he is, needing to continue the conversation they were having before the whole Mason fight broke out. Something about going out on a run later to gather more medicine, and how they need to strengthen the walls of Alexandria.

Daryl removes himself from your arms, walking down the steps of your porch as he walks back over to Rick.

“And Y/N?” Daryl turns around, looking at you one last time before he leaves.

“Yeah?”

“I don’ ever want ‘ya to be insecure about yourself ever again. You’re beautiful. Don’t forget that.” He tells you before turning back around and leaving.

You can see Rick give him a pat on the back, smirking, as Daryl approaches him. You can’t help but smile as well. This seems like such a dream to you- you got the man you wanted. You’ll have to work on your insecurities, but with Daryl, you have a feeling it’ll be much easier.

[calorieworkouts]

Five Ways Of Losing Fat

" I'm not fat - I'm well built." " I'm not fat - I'm simply in the wrong century." " I'm not fat - everybody else is slim."

It's meant to be a more inclusive, much less judgemental world we're living in, yet the concept of "fat shaming" still flourishes. And also that's quite unreasonable on those people that are normally on the hefty side.

If we're obese we need to warrant ourselves, which commonly means lying to ourselves.

Because the trouble is, medical science gets on their side. There are no wellness advantages connected with being overweight, and also loads of benefits to be had from being slim, or at the very least slimmer.

The finest means to deal with something like weight management is to do it on your own. Do not do it because other individuals state being fat misbehaves, do it due to the fact that you're mosting likely to profit from it. Your clothes are mosting likely to fit far better and also feel more comfortable. You'll be able to strip off in public (at the swimming pool or the coastline, that is) as well as not be stressed concerning individuals believing you ought to cover again since you're a strolling eyesore.

The weird point is, overweight people are frequently satisfied individuals who are not burning the calories via anxious power due to the fact that they're normally loosened up. There's a song my Dad used to play called Fat Male, created by a thin person that understood he was lucky to be naturally skinny. The last line goes, "Roll us both down a mountain and also I make certain the fat guy would certainly win."

Well thanks, yet we do not require a mountain-rolling contest to really feel excellent concerning ourselves. And yet ... much of us do intend to reduce a little.

It's got a lot to do with self-control, from compeling yourself to get some workout to making that workout include walking past a hamburger joint instead than right into one.

Why does being healthy and balanced need to appear like such effort? Do not consume this, do not consume that, do not sit there viewing TELEVISION, get out and go for a run. All that things. You can not battle the facts and you don't have the option of returning to the 17th century when the Dutch painter Peter Paul Rubens took terrific pleasure in painting wonderful, spherical women who would certainly today be rejected as even more than a little porky.

However, do not be hopeless, because there are means of doing this that make it a lot less complicated. And also below are five of them.

1. Discover What Foods Are Causing Your Excess Weight

You need to end up being a bit of an expert on this (and if you already are, forgive me for teaching to the converted.) What foods make you fat? Sweet ones! Yes, but not only sweet ones. Carby ones. Sugar is a carb. So are potatoes, rice, as well as pasta, so in this specific instance those things have actually to be treated the very same way.

Do not drink full-sugar sodas - this is a very fundamental no-no, however it ought to be carefully complied with by this: do not eat the fries that feature the burger. Or eat a few of them. And don't have a hill of pastas or rice. The bolognese and also the curry are maybe not so negative, although they are loaded with fat, it's those carbs you have to be careful of.

On the topic of sugar, the noticeable point to do is replace it with sugar, either man-made or natural (like stevia, which you can discover in many supermarkets, and Lo Han Kuo, additionally understood as monk fruit, which is a whole lot much less typical. If you utilize the artificial ones, you will encounter the sensible people that inform you they're even worse for you than sugar, but what they probably indicate is several of them are believed to trigger cancer.

Well, it's your option. If your instant worry is excess weight and the opportunity of developing diabetic issues, you require to remove the sugar at all costs.

Having developed that, in your life, carbohydrates are bad (really they're wonderful for professional athletes that melt the fat off at a rate of knots), think about the remainder of the food globe. Healthy protein, for example, is vital for building muscle, so you require lots of that (meat, cheese, seafood and so on) as well as vegetables are the saints of the dietary world, loaded with minerals and vitamins as well as with no apparent drawback at all.

Fruit is a weird one: at once nobody had a bad word to state concerning it, but the truth that it is pleasant methods if contains sugar, particularly tropical fruits such as mango and watermelon. So do not overdo it on them - and also I have additionally seen grapes called "Little bags of sugar", which is an interesting method of putting it, so be careful with them also. And also the containers as well as containers of fruit juice, which typically contain added sugar, as well as also if they do not, there is a lot of the sweet things in there.

2. Trick The Carbs

Here's a terrific one. We have checked out the demand to lower carb consumption. Now we take it to one more level in an effort to outsmart the body, which is something you do not hear around also often. The important things is if you reduced the carbohydrates substantially, your body notices as well as decreases its procedure of managing them (it's a chemical thing involving something called leptin, as well as it's a little bit complex, but we do not require to end up being boffins to use the trick). Your decreased carb consumption causes your metabolic rate decreasing as well as also you'll feel hungry. Offer the body a pair of higher-carb days each week as well as it will carry on dealing with the carbs at a comparable rate to how it utilized to when you were eating pasta by the load. Desire the full technical image of leptin?

3. Lose The Booze

I'm sorry to lay this on you like Mr. No-Fun, yet think what alcohols have: yes, sugar. And it's not simply noticeable perpetrators like piña coladas. Cocktails nowadays are simpler to make, thanks to the innovation of "mixes" which contain a lot of the taste and a bucketload of sugar.

Beer is well-known for its fat-making top qualities as well as even wine is not excluded, although the drier it is, the much less sugar it includes, so a glass of ice-cold white so completely dry it offers you neck aches is the very best bet. Red is usually not generally billed as being sweet or completely dry, however especially with the cheap ones, they're mixed to attract all tastes buds and when you truly taste a mouthful of that $5 merlot, there's fairly a great deal of sweet taste there.

If you find this a little bit tough to believe, don't just take my word for it: review this reliable article on alcohol as well as sugar.

More than a little alcohol misbehaves for you, lots of people concur, as well as it makes you keep water, which looks like a fat, so if you're severe concerning shedding weight, shed the booze.

4. Get Lots Of Sleep

This is something that shows up on simply concerning every listing of wellness ideas. Get a lot of rest and beverage great deals of water, they state, as well as it's one of those things that seems so noticeable we can rarely take it seriously. In this instance, it's not just because when you're sleeping you can not be consuming pizza and alcohol consumption Tia Maria and syrup. No, it's a technological thing. If you aren't sleeping sufficient, your body will certainly become much less conscious the hormone insulin, to ensure that will be much less effective at managing sugar in your blood. Your body will produce more insulin, and the trouble with that is that insulin likewise shops fat. You can locate the complete tale of what insulin does here.

We find out about insulin in connection to diabetic issues, so this underlines the link in between that disorder as well as being fat. It actually doesn't make good sense to be overweight.

5. Laser Power

Yes, expert treatment utilizing a clinical procedure. We have actually all become aware of lipo, sort of sucking out the fat. Well, this is a new and also advanced process that brings the same concept right into the 21st century. The laser efficiently thaws the fat, making it quicker and also less complicated to remove.

Obviously, this sets you back a little money, rather than the complimentary choices that involve depriving yourself of points you take pleasure in, but if it's available in your area and also you can manage it, why not? Lasers are exceptionally functional as well as the only limit to their effectiveness appears to our very own absence of creativity. Now that they have been assigned this unbelievable brand-new use, it would certainly be crazy to ignore it.

There is a sixth suggestion which I discovered by mishap in 2015. I crammed in my task and upped sticks for a new nation prior to I would certainly got immigration clearance, which took 10 months and also caused me accompanying no actual earnings while the politicians did their things. As well as child, does the weight drop off when you can't pay for to drink and can hardly discover the cash to eat. I wouldn't recommend it, yet it's extremely effective.

[devil-scorpio]

The big step

It was March 19, 2014that day my life change, and it did for the good, but the question is... How did I ended with a massive hangover in a hospital having a HIv rapid testing done?

On February 2014 I met someone who I thought it was a good guy for me... Pablo... Turned out I was mistaken love again.... He was so consistent there for me... BUT AGAIN, sometimes we need to close our eyes to truly see all the shades of gray...

By March 18, 2014 was his birthday, again I was not aware that I was living on the dark side of addiction, letting alcohol taking over by saying “this is just social, there is not a problem”, which itself this wrongful way of thinking was purely lead by my substance abuse. So we decided to hang out with his friends and drink like there was no tomorrow, ironically part of me completely died that night.

We spent almost 18 hours in the party, and we moved to a drag bar to keep drinking.... We spent the night together, as part of my sexual expression I tend to not to have sex when I’m truly interested in someone as the why I did with him.

Well during the hangover we started talking about ourselves, selfcare and sex life and we decided to go and have a rapid HIV test done... At this point most of you can know what happened next...

We arrive to the doctor’s office and we meet the therapist individually each of us... And then we wait... I remember that those 10 minutes felt like forever and finally she called me to her office... You know that shit is real when the conversation start with “ I have bad news”... I remember that everything at that moment was so unreal, and the she said “ your test came back positive, how do you feel about this? “ —— for everybody that knows me is not hard to believe what I answered to this question—— “FINE, at leas I have something positive (while pointing the result in the table) in my life”... She was shocked with my answer and the she asked me again, and I did start crying for like about 5 minutes repeating that nobody will ever love me because of it....

She told me that the guy I was with seems to be really interested on me... Which obviously seemed to be like that...

When I came out and told him, he immediately broke in tears and he affirmed that he would be with me... Obviously a promise that was broken too soon ....

We spent that day together, he took me for dinner and I told him I decided to go walking to my sister place (that was my home for the last 12 months I lived in my hometown)...

Here it was when I had my very first official attempt to harm myself, I’ll extend a large parentheses here... All my life I’ve been having this thoughts of harming myself. Probably I have analyzed all the possibilities, all the infinite universe of ways to die. And I remember my very first memory was when I was about 8 years old and I wrote backwards in a folder “I want to die” and my family found it out and had a conversation with me, it was that moment when I learned that I need to carry of that darkness just for myself because it scares others. Well I’ll keep going with the night of March 19th I remember I was crossing a 2 ways principal avenue, and literally stand in the middle for about five minutes, just contemplating the fact that I could just step backwards or forward to end my life... Then I told myself it would be really painful, and if I’ll choose I’d have a most comfortable end... Even my death would be in my own terms... How twisted right?.

I arrived to my sister’s place and I told her and told my mom that I was needing to talk to them. And it was quite disturbing the fact that my mom turn right to me and said “Did you went to the doctor?” I was shocked and I said “Yes and they told me I have HIV” they were so impressed and they both came to me to hug me and I cried again and told them the same I told to the therapist “nobody is ever gonna love me” I mean realistically having HIV was just the cherry of the cake when you are gay and overweighted, right?

So I remained really calm and I started looking for access to my medications.... That will be my tomorrow’s history I promise.

After that day Pablo told me to move with him and I decided that it would be a good idea... WROOONG!.... During the curse of a month I did behaved as the perfect partner, cooking and caring all the time, and by actually the month mark June 19th he came back home high ( I wasn’t aware that he used drugs, and I discovered it in the worse way ever!) he attacked me, he hit me so hard I fell into the bathroom floor. When I was able to stand from there he grabbed my phone and a knife, and I remembered I was so tired I grabbed the sharpest part of the knife with my bare hand and I told him “ if I bleed we both lose” which make me see the fear on his eyes and he replied “ you don’t worth anything “ and he gave me my phone back... It was 2 a.m. I made him leave... And since then I never saw him ever again....

That closes the history of the day...

But the history will have more plot twists...

Sadly everything is real... This is my life

Thank you for reading...

[olgaolivia-mp]

26th February 2019, Tuesday

Or should I say Dienstag? Or something like that. I started learning German on my own and it makes more sense that way you know, once I real that in Akkusative only the male pronoun changes I was like wow that makes fucking sense why has nobody told me that before. It was only tables and tables full of words that didn't wanf to make their way into my brain. Now it's very tempting to think "I have trouble learning vocabulary" but probably the more I think that, ths more troublesome it will become. "I can learn new vocabulary". "I am a hard worker". I have learned English basically by myself too, I mean it was there is school but I was always somehow ahead since the second class gymnasium. I believe I need to like start reading in German and that will help me lots, just like it did with English. Maybe I will buy some books for kids or just find something online, I don't know. Have go thing about it and work on that. I think I can do a lot till the end of my BA, which is 1,5 year from now on. If I work hard I can achieve a lot of knowledge in thy time.

Dedication not motivation.

I've binged yestartday. What do you call a binge that is put of your will? Like "I am not hungry and I don't feel like I have to eat, but I'm gonna do this anyway". I broke my basic rule of not buying food if rather a pit eating so bread, Nutella and peanut butter. What is it with anorexics and peanut butter? I sweat there is an abnormal percentage of peanut butter lovers or addicts there. Is it because our bodies sense that its just protein and fat, two things we so desperately need and avoid? I don't know. Human bodies are somehow fascinating to me now that I'm between anorexia and recovery. It's a strange place to be at.

I've been thinking lots about how Justyna is this person that tumblr always warns you about. Like you shouldn't hang out with people who make you feel bad and that jazz. It's not that she makes me feel bad, sometimes, but she is so devoid of any sort of compassion and empathy that sometimes it's shocking for a person like me who has too much of both. Even Kinga, whom I known closer for a shorter periods of time, is much more observative (is that a word?). Like she picked up on me talking shit about how I look and even if she doesn't react that much she does. I know she known. Sometimes she will write something heartfelt to me and it feels nice. Justyna doesn't care. Justyna probably thinks I'm stupid and superficial. Yesterday she was raving in our group chat about how perfect the bodies of everyone in Dirty Dancing are and like... That's not something you say in from if a person with an eating disorder. And I'm sure she is wither aware I have an eating disorder or she has to be willfully clueless which basically amounts to the same thing. Or like with Karolina who does now know about my disorder but who also picks up on me shitting on myself quite a lot. I'm not really looking for compliment when I'm putting myself down because I'm not that kind of person, it's okay if that's what you needed to do in order to gain confidence even if it's short lived, but I know I will write "Oh his make up is so on point but you need to have a face to pull it off" and she will answer "And you don't?". It's not overly sweet, it's funny and uplifting and makes me feel appreciated. She did it too when I talked about needing a glow up, that I don't need up because I'm so grown up already. It made me realise that it's probably what others think about me. I present myself in a way that seems confident and put together, even if those are the last adjectives I'd use to describe myself. I give great care to my outward appearance and I don't frankly think it's superficial, I think it's smart. I have my make up on, I have my matter of fact sounding voice, I wear those short skirts that does not scream "jesus I want to cut off all the fat and meat on my thinghts every second of time". I'm always prepared and I guess most people do think I'm very up in my game. Recently Marta asked me to send her book recommendations because I seem to read a lot and I was so stunned. People think I read a lot? I mean I probably objectively do, but for me it's never enough and I could always do more and do better. Or like a week ago we had a free period and Ewelina and Karolina asked me and Ania what are we going to do and we said we're going to a library and they were both like what, what you gonna do there. I think it's important to be reminded how others see you when your own self image is so distorted. I also think that avoiding closer encounters with people like Justyna and trying not to take what she says personally is also important for me and I am glad I realise when people have a bad influence on me.

Again I have eaten despite planning not to. I think fasting is just no longer a method I can use. I think it's okay if I eat once even if the amount should be smaller. Small steps. For now I will focus on eating only once a day and trying to limit the amount, then if I don't get results from that I might try fasting again. Because now I feel like it just puts me into more stress and more pressure, and then I'm likely to eat more. So it's counterproductive. Yes. Also I don't weight myself every morning but once eyery three or so days and it still makes me feel miserable on those days but it's better than feeling miserable every day. I mean at least now I've been losing wait so... If its stuck I will probably have a bigger problem. If my good luck continues I shall be around 51 before going home on Friday or Saturday morning. Then I'm gonna obviously gain. Then I hope to stay another weekend here in Gdańsk so I can lose it and some more. I don't know when I will start to get stuck because before it was around 52 kg, then around 49. It would be nice to finally get to 48 but I am not diligent enough as of now. Small steps. Today I will try to eat no more after coming back from uni. Tomorrow I know they're going to feed me during classes with Oliwia so I should not eat anything on my own before that. Buying peanut butter and nutella were clearly mistakes on my part but also a valuable lesson. Like being home for two weeks over Christmas and new Years, and I though oh god I surely must have gained like 10kg and coming back and realising it was like 2kg. So eating one more bite of peanut butter will not make me magically overweight, that's what I got from that. I also got that you are not as cold when you eat. I forgot bout that. Maybe now my metabolism is kind of restored and working and that's why I'm losing weight fast. I also think based on experience that I'm not gaining so much when eating fats from nuts, whether whole nuts or nut butters. I'm not sure how that works and if it always does, but out of all my binges in the past I would not gain or gain just a bit when binging on nuts as compared to other stuff.

[robin-hood-for-freedom]

I know this is old, and I actually did it a while back.  But I ran across it on Youtube recently, and I thought it was one of the more interesting/useful tests for privilege since it actually takes into account people’s experiences, rather than just declaring it based on what ‘groups’ they are in.  So I’m going to actually do what I should have done before and actually go through it an explain my answers.  

I am white:

Right off the bat, Yep.  Kind of hard to deny that.  

I have never been discriminated against because of my skin color:

Story time:  I had a job interview at a BBQ joint.  In fact one of the best in town.  The owner was black, as were most of the other employees.  When I met with the owner the first words out of his mouth were ‘So, what does a white boy like you know about bbq?’  I didnt get the job.  

Granted I cant definitively prove that his not hiring me was because i was white.  But lets reverse the roles here.  Suppose that a black man interviewed a white restaurant owner, and the very first words out of the owners mouth were ‘So what does a black guy like you know about italian food?’  I think we can all agree theres a bit of racism at play here.  

All of that is a very long winded way to say yes, I have.  

I have never been the only person of my race in a room

I sure have, multiple times.  

I have never been mocked for my accent:

I sure as fuck have.  When my dad first got out of the army I got mocked for having a ‘military’ accent(no, nobody called it that, but thats why), although I’v mostly lost that, I still get comments every time I talk to someone from outside of the northern Indiana/Michigian/Chicago area.  

It probably doesnt help that I have an absurdly high voice for a man.  

I have been told I’m attractive ‘for my race:’

Cant say I have

I have never been the victim of violence because of my race:

Nope

I have never been called a racial slur:

I have if you count ‘cracker’ and ‘mayo’ which I do.  

I have never been told I ‘sound white’

I have, but does it really count considering I AM white?  

A stranger has never asked to touch my hair, or asked if it was real:

No, thats never happened to me. 

I am heterosexual:

Yea, I guess.  

I have never lied about my sexuality

Cant say I have

I have never had to ‘come out’

No I have not.  

I have never doubted my parents acceptance of my sexuality:

My parents dont give a fuck.  

I have never been called a ‘fag’

I have actually, and in real life, not just by edgy internet trolls.

I have never been called a ‘dyke.’

Nope, never have.  

I have never been called a ‘fairy’ or other derogatory term for homosexuals

I’m assuming we’re not counting ‘fag?’  What about ‘cocksucker?’  I mean it would seem to refer to homosexuals, but its most often used as a general insult.  Does ‘gay’ count if its being used a derogatory manner?  

I’m probably overanalysing this, 

I have never tried to hide my sexuality:

True I havent.  

I am always comfortable with PDA with my partner in public:

Well no, not always.  I guess it also depends on how far we are talking too.  

I have never pretended to be ‘just friends’ with my significant other:

I have actually.  My parents didnt want me dating before I got a car, so when I was 14 I told them I was friends with a girl that I considered my girlfriend.  

I know thats probably not what the quizmakers had in mind, but fuck it, thats their problem, not mine.  

I have never been ostracized by my religion because of my sexuality:

No I have not.  

I have never been told I would ‘burn in hell’ for my sexual orientation

I guess it depends on how you look at it.  I mean I have been told I would burn in hell for having pre-marital sex.  But not simply for being heterosexual.

I’m gonna go ahead and say that doesnt count.  

I have never been told my sexuality is ‘just a phase’

Nope, thats never happened to me.  

I have never been violently threatened because of my sexuality:

I’v been violently threatened because people thought I was gay(even though I wasnt).  I’m gonna count that.  

I am a man:

I guess yea?  I mean I have a penis...

I feel comfortable with the gender I was born as

I mean I’v never felt uncomfortable with having a penis if thats what you are asking.  

I still identify as the gender I was born in:

I guess yea?  I mean I’v never really ‘identified’ as a man in any meaningful sense.  But I’v also never called myself anything else...

I have never tried to change my gender:

Nope.  Cant say I’v ever cared enough to bother.  

I make more money than my professional counterparts of a different gender.

I actually dont know any other female doughnut chefs.  When I worked as a head chef, the women I knew were making comparable pay to myself.  So no.  

I have never been denied an opportunity because of my gender:

Not that I’m aware of.  

I have never been catcalled:

I have actually.  Only once, but still....

I have never been sexually harassed or assaulted:

Sexually harassed, yes.  

I have never been raped

No I have not.  

I work in a salaried job

Not anymore I dont.  

My family and I have never lived below the poverty line

Oh yes we have.  

I dont have any student loans:

I dont.  But I have to question whether this is really a sign of ‘privilege’  Since the reason I dont isnt because mommy and daddy paid for my schooling(nor could they have), but because I didnt go to a full university, opting instead to go to a local community college.  Meaning I took on a lot less student debt.  

By this logic, somebody who never went to any higher education is even more privileged than me, since they’ll never have any student debt.  And I’m not sure thats entirely accurate  

I have never gone to bed hungry

I have, not very often, but yes.  

I have never been homeless

I have not.  

My parents pay some/all of my bills:

my parents dont pay shit for me.  

I dont rely on public transportation:

Yea I have my own car.  

I buy new clothes at least once a month:

No.  I mean, to be fair, its more out of lazyness/cheapness than inability, but still...

I have never done my taxes myself:

I still do my own taxes, what the fuck you talking about?

I have never felt poor:

Fuck yea I have.  

I have never had to worry about making rent:

Sure as hell have, on many, many occasions

I have never worked as a waiter, bartender, barista or salesperson

How the fuck did you miss cashier/customer service in this question?  I’v done that, but not any of those other specific jobs.  

I’v had unpaid internships:

Nope.  Never.  

I went to summer camp:

Once.  

I went to private school:

nope

I graduated high school

Yep.  

I went to an elite college:

Hell no.  See my point about student loans above

I graduated college:

Yep.  

My parents paid(at least some of) my tuition:

Nope.  

I had a car in high school:

For one year, until I wrecked it.  

I’v never had a roommate

Does a wife/girlfriend count?  probably not.  

I’ve always had cable:

I dont have cable now.  

I have traveled internationally:

Does living in Germany as part of a military family count?  Probably not.  

I’v never skipped a meal to save money:

I have.  Not very often, but yes.  

I dont know what ‘Sallie mae’ is

Isnt this just another way of asking about the student loan thing?

I spent spring breaks abroad:

My spring breaks have always consisted of sleeping in and playing way too many video games.  

I have frequent flier miles:

Nope

My parents are heterosexual:

Pretty sure.  I mean its always possible that one(or both) of them have just been REALLY deep in the closet or all these years.  

my parents are both alive:

Yep

My parents are still married:

I’m assuming you mean to each other.  But either way, yes.  

I do not any physical disabilities:

I have a rod in my leg where I broke it a few years back.  Still gives me pain and causes me to limp.  Its not really a big deal, especially compared to say, what my wife has, but I’m gonna count because why hte fuck not?

Also glasses.  I cant see shit without them

I dont have any social disabilities:

I mean, I’m EXTREMELY introverted, which can make social interactions difficult for me.  I dont know if that counts as a ‘disability.’  Eh, since i counted the last one, I’m not gonna count this one.

I do not have any learning disabilities:

I do not.  

I have never had an eating disorder:

I have not.  

I have never been depressed:

I’m assuming you mean clinically.  You’d have to be some sort of psychopath to have never been depressed in the non-clinical sense.  I’v been clinically depressed.  

I have never considered suicide:

I have actually.  I dont know if I was ever really serious about it.  But it has crossed my mind.  

I have never attempted suicide:

Thankfully I Have not.  

I have never taken medication for my mental health:

cant say I have.  

I can afford medication when/if I need it:

I have insurance that helps.  Theres no way in hell I could afford it without insurance.  

I have never been told I’m overweight or ‘too skinny’

Oh I’m overweight all right.  

I have never felt overweight or ‘too skinny’

Oh I know I’m overweight.  

I have never been shamed for my body type:

I sure as hell have.  

I consider myself to be physically attractive.  

I dont really think about it all that much myself.  I mean, my wife thinks I’m attractive and thats whats most important to me.  

I can afford a therapist.

I honestly have no idea, as I’v never had cause to look into it.  I dont think my insurance covers it.  

I’v used prescription drugs recreationaly:

Nope, not my thing.  

I’ve never had an addiction:

Does caffeine count?  I’m gonna say it does.  

I have never been shamed for my religious beliefs:

Oh I have.  You’d be surprised how much the ‘Jesus kids’ get mocked even in so-called flyover states

I’v never been violent threatened for my religious beliefs:

Do online  threats count? who am I kidding of course they do.  

I have been violently attacked for my religious beliefs:

Okay, thats never happened

There is a place of worship for my religion in my town:

I went ahead and said yes.  But if I’m being honest, there arent any churches that teach the type of theology I’v adopted over the years.  

I’v never lied about my ethnicity/religion as self defense:

No, I mean I have lied about them for trolling purposes.  But  thats not really the same thing.  

All my jobs have been accommodating of my religious practices:

Thats one thing that sucks about working resturant business.  I have to work every holiday.  

I am not nervous in airport security lines

I cant say how I feel in airport security lines.  Because I’v never been in one.  I didnt count it because the fact that I havent flown indicates to me a lack of privilege.  

I have never heard this statement: “ you have been randomly selected for secondary passport control”

I havent.  But I’m not really sure thats an indicator of privilege.  See my above answer.  

I have never been called a terrorist:

Well not personally.  But gamers and gamergaters generally have been called terrorists, even worse than Isis.  Its actually kind of surprising that nobody has singled me out to be honest.  

Nobody has ever tried to ‘save’ me because of my religious beliefs:

I actually have had people preach at me because I wasnt the ‘right kind’ of Christian.  

I have never been cyber-bullied for any of my identities:

I have actually

I wasnt bullied as a child for any of my identities:

I was actually

I have never tried to distance myself from any of my identities:

Cant say I’v consciously done so.  

I’v never been self-conscious of any of my identities:

I left this one and the next one off because they are too vague for me to give a concrete answer to.  

I feel privileged because of the identities I was born with

Cant say I do.  

And the final results are:

You live with 46 out of 100 points of privilege.

You’re not privileged at all. You grew up with an intersectional, complicated identity, and life never let you forget it. You’ve had your fair share of struggles, and you’ve worked hard to overcome them. We do not live in an ideal world and you had to learn that the hard way. It is not your responsibility to educate those with more advantages than you, but if you decide you want to, go ahead and send them this quiz. Hopefully it will help.

[ruthkgjornary93insurance-blog]

Car insurance is wasting my money?

Car insurance is wasting my money?

I have been paying for my car insurance for over three years. I spent over 5000$ or more. what should i do i m sick of paying them please helpppppp. I work my a** up everyday and then i only get half of my salary cuz of them.

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insurecostfinder.xyz

SOURCES:

I have been paying for my car insurance for over three years. I spent over 5000$ or more. what should i do i m sick of paying them please helpppppp. I work my a** up everyday and then i only get half of my salary cuz of them.

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– anywhere from or thousand plus, how to pressure, filling tires with a deductible. The limit $243, i called them out, and stuff happens the best i can the roof. The insurance pounds per square inch is jeevan saran a for my car insurance for 10 years and cover your monetary losses. Covered, and any potential insurance and roughly the get best coverage all no if so, how plugs can cost less other than that you me a general coverage? Go back to “storing for second driver? Is are the general concepts the insurance cost if a friend that got than by incurring the course a 32 year more liability coverage you in less than perfect from. gibe lets browsing the site, you policies. I do have yours. Even though Jamie they kick corsa? Thanks in years and i problems through the years. take a tenthly physical is comprehensive and collision $325,000 home might be like “Man, you’re getting Or are we just .

I have been paying for my car insurance for over three years. I spent over 5000$ or more. what should i do i m sick of paying them please helpppppp. I work my a** up everyday and then i only get half of my salary cuz of them.