#yes they are the therapist friend. no they don't mind. yes you might get a hug as strong as you need.

[mistfallengw2]

2, 7, 10, and 11 for Maeveryl?

@mystery-salad

Get to Know Your Character

2. How do they treat themselves when they're feeling sad?

First, they allow themselves to feel the sadness (no bottling up allowed), then try to make up for it. If Adamas or friends are not available to spend time with them, they'll dive deep into books, maybe after a good training session to let out the tension.

-

7. What emotions or situations do they try to avoid? Why?

(Bottled up) anger and situations that may cause it. Maybe weird for a berserker, but they have valid reasons.

[More bits of context and lots of rambling under read more at the bottom]

-

10. What are their emotional triggers?

Being harshly reminded of people they lost or being put in situations where they could lose people they care about, as it triggers more negative emotions than they might be ready to deal with at once. They can still manage to function for a long time and deal with it just fine, but it still affects them greatly and leads to them needing more time to recover.

Going berserk can also act as a trigger and leave them emotionally raw, as channeling rage can also carry other negative feelings and painful memories, especially if they do it too often or for too long.

They also do not like to have Balthazar's action be brought up in their presence. While they don't really have a connection to him (they did feel a bit of magical resonance around him or where he had used his powers, which became relevant in S3 and PoF) and they can rationalize the fact that Aurene absorbed Balthazar's magic, they still feel somewhat ashamed that they're the way they are because of something Balthazar once created (which pairs up badly with being a sylvari, y'know). The negative experiences with a few people who brought it up in a more or less accusatory manner kind of sealed the instant-negativity of the topic.

-

11. How do they feel about love?

In their opinion, it's the essence of life, in all its forms. If you don't love and care about others and the beauty of this world, what are you even doing with your life?

While they never really look for love, they love without shame and are very sappy about it all, as it's what keeps them grounded. No one really has the heart to complain though, no matter how annoying it might be for them, given how genuine they are about it.

-

MORE CONTEXT FOR 7. [Oh boy this got rambly, but the cinnamon roll shroom deserves it.]

After undergoing the transformation granted by the Idol of Balthazar (during The Ghost Rite), Maeveryl actually did suffer from side effects tied to it. They didn't turn into, as Gixx had put it, "a ravaging, blood-crazed psychopath", but they became quite moody and started getting carried away during battle, which was weird for someone who used to be cheerfully calm, warm sunshine personified and not particularly interested in combat regardless of their talent for it.

Initially they thought it was just emotional dysregulation tied to mourning Sieran's death and the whole stress of helping with the creation of the Pact, but they felt a lot and felt it strongly, both in positive and especially in negative, and it seemed to increase the more time passed (and the more they dipped into that mental state). After they mentioned how they felt during the Battle of Fort Trinity (which was a wild emotional rollercoaster for them), some of their fellow scholars brought up the possibility of the idol's influence and the similarities with berserkers' abilities. It made sense, Maeveryl figured it wasn't that big of a deal since it had its valid uses in combat, so they kept allowing it to happen... until they nearly died due to the recklessness that came with it. It was their first sobering experience, and the now-mostly-faded scar on their face (left by the "secondhand" magical fire of the searing cauldron) serves as a perpetual reminder of the risks they had ignored up to that point.

For the rest of the Orr campaign, Maeveryl tried their hardest to avoid anything that could make them angry or particularly sad, which quickly proved to be nearly impossible given the Pact was fast approaching Arah. So they bottled it all up and pretended to be fine! After a fast recovery, they pushed to go with Trahearne and the others to the Source of Arah, and their new method backfired quite fast, as Adamas had to risk getting in their way to get them to snap out of it. Unable to join the final battle due to their recent wounds and sore in all the ways, they waited in the backline camps, trying to quickly get ready to face their emotions and keep themselves in check no matter what happened. While they didn't lose anyone they truly cared about, such a potent fear of loss and ending up as emotional support for others was another sobering experience, if not even "educational", for lack of a better term.

After Zhaitan's defeat, believing that those powers could still be useful if used correctly, they focused on studying their own situation and reaching a good level of control, all with support and help from Adamas and their friends to keep them in check and grounded whenever things got too stressful. It was something they were already fairly good at, but fast forward a few months, they had learned the proper ways to manage and channel any sort of emotion without letting it get to them, allowing them to enter berserk mode at will and develop their powers. It was far from perfect, but letting themselves go berserk during combat became sort of therapeutic to Maeveryl, as they could finally have an outlet to let out all of the negativity in a "productively destructive" manner. Still, they learned the hard way that it had to be done in relative moderation (or at least properly counterbalanced with rest and positive things) to avoid succumbing to it, so they still tried to avoid any personal emotionally intense situation they could (and specifically one particularly sore spot).

In the years that followed, Maeveryl didn't lose themselves no matter what happened, be it loss of dear friends or catastrophic events, and it all ended up being quite instrumental during HoT (where they resisted Mordremoth's call better than most, meekly accepted the abuse all sylvari suffered, and had the calm nerves to call themselves off the mission when they felt at their limit) and later in IBS. Other than that, their overall demeanor became even calmer than it used to be, they learned to be a great mediator, and they ended up becoming even more fiercely supportive of their loved ones (especially Adamas, of course).

Only one other time they lost themselves in the rage, years later in Bjora's Marches, but it was to save Adamas in an impossible situation, and they snapped back as soon as the threat was eliminated. It hurt enough that they didn't tap into it for months, though not for the reasons most could imagine. When it happened again for another similarly good reason, they thought they'd lose themselves again, but they kept full control for the very first time.

[icarusredwings]

The thing about Thoschei that's so funny is that these are literally all the same people, meaning technically these are all the same ship.

We have these two. Yes? We know twissy. We love twissy.

We have spy doc, yeah? We love spydoc.

We have our beloved/beloathed Simmten. Everyone loves simmten.

We even have whatever these two weirdos had going on.

BUT - Have you ever ever thought about what would happen if you mixed them up? It feels illegal (as in, 'These two specifically are a bonded pair, do not separate' joking matter), but think about the chaos implications.

Can you fucking imagine if you shoved THIS man (6) with Simm! Master? Someone's gonna regenerate. Im not sure who yet. Mel's definitely gonna scream at him, though.

"Ello dear friend do you mind coming along and-"

"Why the fuck do you look like that?"

"Like what??"

"Like a unicorn stomped on you, ate you and puked you back up!"

"You don't like it? What's wrong with it? Is it the hair?"

"Is it the?- NO YOU MORON!"

Or Missy with 9? The amount of arguments and pouting- A lot of sarcastic banter. Maybe a hissy fit. A sissy slap fight if you will because deep down he would care if she got hurt so wouldn't actually ever hit her but would say some pretty mean things.

"Fine! Then go to your room!"

"I'll do no such thing! And you can't make me!"

"Then die! See if I care!"

"Only if you let me kill you first!!"

"Try! See what happens!"

"You dare hit a lady??"

"Pft- I'd hardly call you a lady..."

Yana! Master and 13? Tinker buddies! (They're basically in a love triangle with Chantho)

Roberts! Master with 15? I have a feeling this would kinda slap. Idk why, but I just do.

"So. What so you think?"

"Oh! Sister yes!!"

"... I am neither your sibiling.. nor a woman..?"

"Its an expression babes."

"Why are you calling me such affections??"

I feel in my gut that these two would get along decently well, except this time 12 is the bad influence, not him. If anything, it would consist of 12 showing him earthling things.

"...So.. Uno.."

"Yes."

"I have to have one card left..?"

"Yes."

"...why don't I just throw away my other cards?"

"That's against the rules I think."

"Says who?"

"Says... well... says.. the rules." 💁

Dhawan! Master and 10? 10 could fix him within an episode. I'm sure of it. Hell 14 could fix him. Might take a little longer, though. Dhawan would make tea for him after they go to therapy together. Their therapist says they should work on their co-dependency, but they think she just "doesn't get their dynamic"

I think it would be really funny if we shoved 4 with missy too. Sarah Jane and her would have so much beef. It would be unreal. I do think that Dhawan would be fond of K9 the most though, and Simm would probably be the type to get jealous of a robotic dog...

[lostintransist]

COD Men and Bad Brain Days

This is my self indulgant way of dealing with the titanic amount of stress that is making my brain whisper of the void. I will stick around, I have to much to be a menace about but why not think about how they would deal with it? Plus if my mother (derogatory) gets to outlive me? Absolutely not.

CW: Suicidal thoughts mentioned

Johnny: Froze a bit once he understands what you are saying.

"Bonnie, why? What? I don't understand?" He holds your face so tight as he flicks his gaze between your eyes.

You laugh lightly, "There is nothing to understand Johnny, sometimes my brain just starts throwing around death as an option. I've learned to tell people so they can help me keep me present. I don't want to die, and I have no plans. I just need you to know that if I randomly start crying I'm okay. I already have an appointment with my doctor and my therapist scheduled to look at my meds."

The concern doesn't leave his face as he pulls you in for a hug. Johnny is always watchful of you but it definately takes on a new level after telling him about the thoughts coming back.

Kyle: Pulled the car over the moment he realizes what you said to him and rests his head on the steering wheel.

"Thank you for telling me, what can I do for you?"

Fighting back the tears you blink and fan your eyes.

"Nothing really? My therapist challenged me to tell someone the next time these thoughts pop up, and I trust you enough to know you won't freak out." You watch him carefully take in several deep breaths before he sits upright and looks at you.

If his eyes are a bit shiny with tears? Neither of you mention it.

"Want to get a drink and sit in the sun for a bit?" He offers.

"I would love that." The tears flow this time. Kyle holds your hand until he is forced to let it go to get out of the car.

Gary: He would find you mid-breakdown because dammit you thought you were past this? It had been years since the last time your brain betrayed you like this and life was going good for once? Yes, you were under some stress but not enough to warrent this overreaction by your brain.

He would pull you into a hug as he sits next to you on the floor and hum lullabies and the randomest collecitons of songs that live inside his head. When you can finally breath without a hitch in your breath he would ask what is wrong.

"My brain is lying to me again. Saying that being dead would be easier than dealing with all this stress," you sniffle into his shoulder.

"Being dead would be easier," he observes calmly.

When you shoot him a glare because that is NOT helpful, he smiles and rubs a thumb through the tears leftover on your face.

"But I know you don't want that, and I'll keep you present and healthy. Let's get some food delivered and then go over some of the things I can take off your plate until things settle down, alright?"

When that causes a new round of tears Gary orders dinner from his phone before coaxing you to the couch with the promise of your favorite show (He can't stand it but knows it will help.)

Simon: The hug he would give you after you hold him? Soul altering. He holds you until you feel real again and presses a kiss to your head. If you find something helpful he asks that you share because he has dealt with his own share of suicidal thoughts ravaging his already messed up mind.

He starts picking up tasks around the house, starting the shower or making dinner, as a way to help you. He checks in at least once a day. He isn't overbearing about it, knowing that the fact you told him is a huge sign of trust and he wouldn't dare abuse it.

John: Oh this man, he would be calling your doctor and therapist and setting up an appointment for you the instant you fell asleep for one of those exhaustion naps. He would book you for a hair cut, a massage, and to get your nails done before the week is out.

He's lost good friends to suicide and the idea that you might disappear? That your thoughts might get to loud to hear that he loves you? He would never recover if he lost you like that. John makes you cry again when he explains everything he has set up for you but he shows his love through actions and these are things he can control. If he could mount a full scale invasion on your brain to kick out whatever makes you think of death as an option he would in a heartbeat.

Masterlist

[grapementos]

perseverance

aged up bakugo x reader

pt. 3 to this

numerous panic attacks had ensued since you were discharged from the hospital, but not all of them reached their final stages like the first had.

you’d grown better at grounding yourself and having some semblance of control over your anxiousness. slowly but surely, you felt the pain ebbing away.

it would never be gone completely, you knew, and every day you questioned the possibility of things being different.

what if katsuki hadn’t quit being a hero? what if he’d proposed just as he’d planned to? would your wedding have been beautiful? your marriage successful and healthy?

there were so many what ifs that hurt your heart just to think about.

yet, all you did was think about it—in the best, healthiest way.

you set aside your pride and fears and confided not only in your friends, but in a therapist. you had sessions weekly, and every time you walked out of the office, you felt a little lighter.

for the first time, you understood that it was okay to still love katsuki, to still want to be with him. in fact, they initially expressed how they wished the two of you had tried couples therapy before everything went south.

that was another what if that hurt.

you were always the more rational, levelheaded one. why hadn’t you thought of it, encouraged it? would it have made a difference? those thoughts kept you awake at night, haunting your mind and mocking you with images of a perfect life with katsuki. the life you could've had.

those thoughts were bumps in your path to recovery. it was only through those thoughts, however, that you learned that the road wasn't linear. you had amazing days when you felt strong and independent, days when you'd feel like you were in a colgate commercial. other days, you wanted to set your apartment on fire and disappear. you wanted to scream until your voice was gone, vocal chords torn to shreds. some days, you just wanted everything to stop.

through the good and the bad, you were able to persevere through the challenging navigation of a breakup. still, you granted yourself permission to still love him. to be in love with him. that love would never just vanish, you'd realized a few months into your journey. it dulled, flickered, and faded, but never vanished.

-

you'd found that implementing a routine in your daily life had greatly improved your overall mental health.

this morning, you turned on the news as you made yourself breakfast--a meal you forced yourself to consume, no matter how little it was.

as you grabbed what you needed from the cupboards, a name in the news had you pausing everything.

"...following his spontaneous philanthropic streak, former hero dynamight announces that he will be hosting a tell-all session at our local library. there, he intends to, quote, 'make amends with those i might have hurt with my words, actions, or lack thereof...' well, you heard it here. don't miss a valiant display of heroic vulnerability today at noon. in other news..."

you gaped at the tv, the glass bowl slipping from your suddenly clammy fingers.

philanthropic streak? where had you been?

the sound of the glass breaking reached your ears a whole minute after it hit the ground, snapping you out of your dumbfounded stupor.

"shit," you cursed, crouching down to pick up the pieces.

no, don't even think about it.

you looked at the clock, reading 8 as the time. plenty of time for you to get dressed and go.

no.

you could easily make it in time and sit in the back, just to see him and hear what he had to say.

no.

you'd wear something inconspicuous and hide in the back, just being silent. and then you'd leave, after ten minutes.

no.

every no carried a little bit of yes at the end of it, forcefully dragging you out of the kitchen and into the bathroom for a shower. it was closure, you argued to yourself, closure that you desperately needed.

it's going to be excuses, nothing but lies.

dark clothes are the best choice, you decided, anxiously changing into something you deemed inconspicuous. just ten minutes, it was all you needed.

don't throw all your progress away for ten minutes.

you stared at the mirror, trying to find a single good reason to stay home. yet, every thought in your mind convinced you that this, this is what you needed. you needed to hear him express his regret, his remorse to other people. people who once trusted and supported him in his endeavors, only to be woefully let down by his bouts of anger.

this will just make you hurt more. don't do this.

you discarded every invasive voice in the back of your brain and found yourself at the library come noon, hidden behind a bookshelf. you browsed the shelves with unseeing eyes, thoughts drowned out by the low murmur of the large crowd seated in front of the small stage in the center.

the library was home to many plays around the city, which you found ironic. would this be another display of dramatism and lies?

just as you found a book with a flattering cover, the mic whined with a little feedback.

"sorry about that."

you knew the voice, but the genuineness was foreign to you. you peeked over the row of books, your blood running cold as you saw katsuki sitting meekly on a chair on the stage.

"hello, everyone. i'm, uh, i'm bakugo katsuki, but most of you might know me as dynamight," he began, scanning the crowd, "a lot of you might not be fond of me based, um, based on my time as a hero."

many voices mumbled in agreement at that, which made him laugh, just the slightest. it made your chest swell with pride he didn't deserve.

"and i really don't blame you. i carried a lot of my immaturity from high school into adulthood. my biggest problem was that i saw heroism as a means to an end, a," he motioned with his hands, trying to find the words, "a stepping stone to being 'the best'--whatever that means. and i got lost in my obsession with my image."

you listened intently, at least half sure that you were listening to a complete stranger talk. the katsuki you knew had nowhere near this much humility.

"with that being said, my first apology goes to you, the people of this beloved city. you deserved someone who had your best interest at heart, and i'm sorry that couldn't be me. but, rest assured, i am very familiar with the current top ten and can say with confidence that they are the heroes you deserve."

you found yourself tearing up at his words, so awestruck by the complete 360 in his persona.

the crowd cheered at his words, as pleasantly surprised with his chanage as you were.

"thank you," he chuckled when the crowd quieted down, "next, i'd like to apologize to my friends and family. they definitely got some of the worst of it. for years, they suggested therapy for the anger that i just couldn't seem to control. and for years, brushed them off, over and over again. i insisted that my anger was fuel for my quirk, when in reality, it was detrimental. dangerous. so, mom, dad, all my friends, i'm sorry it took me so long to take your advice. thank you for standing by me."

you werent sure if the session was being broadcasted, but you sure hope it was. kirishima, mina, sero, and denki deserved to hear it. more than that, you were shocked to discover that he'd also been in therapy. so he really meant it..

another round of applause.

"last, and most important," he sucked in a sharp breath, "i'd like to apologize to the love of my life."

you stilled, as if a bucket of cold water had been poured over your head. no, no way.

"i spent three amazing years with the only person i could ever see myself loving. they were the most patient, the most kind person you could ever imagine. they stood by me during every slandering headline, every angry episode, every single ugly moment. they were there."

you covered your mouth and crouched down to the floor, squeezing you eyes shut. no, hell no, you refused to cry.

he exhaled shakily, rubbing a sweaty palm against his jeans, "they were devoted to me, to us. i'd be nothing without their impact on my life, and i've done the worst job at showing it. i," he stammered, scrunching his eyebrows together, "i ruined what we had, and i've never regret anything more. i know all the philanthropy and therapy and apologies in the world can never take back my insensitivity, but i will never stop being sorry, and i swear i'll grow every day."

you had to clamp your hand harder over your mouth to prevent any sniffles or sobs from escaping and alerting everyone to your presence. his words were so genuine, so wholehearted that you knew he truly had changed.

"i'll love them forever, regardless of if they hate me. with that love, i'll destroy any semblance of the douchebag-asshole-monster i used to be." he smiled out to the crowd as a final goodbye, "thank you, everyone. you don't owe me your forgiveness, but i hope you'll consider forgiving me one day."

people clapped, whistled, cheered for him as he turned off the mic.

meanwhile, your heart was racing. you didn't have a single coherent thought in your mind other than the fact that he loved you. he loves you.

he wasn't begging or crying this time, his acts weren't out of desperation. he was completely and totally vulnerable in front of a group of people that he didn't even know included you.

as people flooded out of the library, you shakily pushed yourself to your feet. what now? how could you possibly be expected to walk all the way to your car and drive home in this state of mind?

with a quick breathing technique your therapist taught you, you calmed down enough to get your hands to stop trembling.

katsuki had started helping the security guards pick up and stack the chairs, making small talk with them as they cleaned up the area.

you wiped at your cheeks, hoping they weren't too blotchy. with a quiet breath, you silently crept away from behind the bookshelf and toward the exit.

unfortunately, your far-from ninja-like skills couldn't get past the years of hero instincts engraved in every muscle fiber of katsuki's body.

"y/n?"

you froze, shoulders tensing as you slowly turned around.

"hey, bakugo," you cleared your throat, averting your eyes, "that was, uh, that was nice of you. good job."

there was something undetectable in his face, something you couldn't put your finger on, "oh, thanks, i-" he stepped closer, but stopped when he sensed your hesitance, "i didn't expect to see you here."

"i didn't expect to be here." you said honestly, fidgeting with your fingers, "but i should, uh, probably get going."

he opened and shut his mouth a few times before he sighed and nodded, "okay. but i really meant it, you know? everything i said."

fuck, you were going to cry again. you didn't want to, not in front of him.

"i know." you nodded, "i don't.. hate you, you know? we both had issues that we chose to resolve separately."

"i just wish," he sighed, looking for the words, "i wish that was't the case."

you couldn't hold in your tears anymore, a few cascading down your cheek, but you quickly wiped them away.

"i know." you swallowed hard, trying to prevent your voice from doing that embarrassing, high-pitched crack, "i do too."

he opened his arms, offering a hug and you just couldn't say no. the space was so perfectly carved for you.

you hugged him tight, burying your face into his shoulder.

"i'm so sorry, y/n. i'm sorry for everything." he whispered into your hair, his voice wet with tears, "i never deserved you."

you just cried harder, knuckles white as you gripped onto the back of his shirt. you wanted to speak, to reassure him that it wasn't completely his fault, but you couldn't pause for a breath long enough to say a single word.

instead, the two of you dropped to the ground, arms wrapped around each other with a desperation that you only feel for each other. a once-in-a-lifetime desperation.

the two of you cried and held each other, and somehow you knew everything was going to be okay.

and this concludes the triology! thank you for the overwhelming support on this series that wasn't even meant to be a series!

taglist: @blackout-ice-biohazard @survivorofmath @iam-thevillain-of-thisstory @odessa-is-my-queen @firesmokeandashes @valentineshiftz @sil-ver-shadow @echosfadve

[sitp-recs]

Hello! I saw your last rec for Draco being whipped for Harry. Would you have any recs for the reverse situation? Harry being absolutely smitten for Draco. I love when it's mostly from Harry POV and Draco is driving him mad. Does anything come to mind? Thank you for your lovely recs and your presence in the fandom, it's a blessing! 💜

Yes of course! I feel like I did quite a few lists for pining Harry so this one will focus on smitten Harry told from his own pov. I tried to mix old favorites with fics I don’t see recced often. I’d highly recommend checking @tackytigerfic, @bixgirl1 and ignatiustrout as they all explore this trope so beautifully!

Take A Stab At It by @sorrybutblog (E, 3k)

It’s a bit pathetic, Harry knows, to have a hard-on for the guy who bullied you in school. Kind of cliché to look back on years of obsession and hatred and think, Oh.

Hourglass Heart by bixgirl1 (E, 5k)

It only happened once — depending on how Harry counted.

Blue Sky Is Living Here Today by ignatiustrout (G, 5k)

Draco's a father, Harry's in love with him, and it's really hard to take things slow.

The Things They Never Say by bixgirl1 (E, 9k)

Harry and Draco don't know how to talk. So they do other things instead.

Sex Ed for Aurors by curiouslyfic (M, 9k)

Some things, you need to learn on the job.

i wake up falling, orphaned (M, 9k)

Draco’s always leaving, one way or another. Harry’s usually 240 thousand miles too late.

Poppiholla by @moonflower-rose (M, 12k)

Harry had accepted that he would pine silently for Malfoy forever, but one, humid summer might change that.

Take the Moon by tackytiger (M, 15k)

Harry Potter has always wanted a family of his own, and when a deadly blood curse forces him into a marriage bond with his best friend Draco Malfoy, it looks like he might just have found one. It's just a shame they’d always planned to break up after a year…

White as Snow by bixgirl1 (E, 19k)

After a quick escape from danger, Harry and Draco find themselves trapped in a blizzard, a small cabin their only refuge from the storm. It's the perfect place to recover and regroup — and to have a long-overdue conversation or two.

We Might Be Too Old for a Bildungsroman by @wellhalesbells (T, 21k)

Harry finds something he’s been looking for since the war’s end. Admittedly, the packaging’s a bit odder than he expected.

With Great Yawns and Stretchings by sugar_screw (T, 22k)

The coffee is very good. Really. And the cats are so cute. That's why Harry goes so often.

On Your Shore by @xanthippe74 (M, 35k)

Clearing out a remote house full of cursed collectibles in the Outer Hebrides? Not a problem for an experienced curse breaker like Harry Potter. Spending a week with the straight, happily-married man that he’s starting to have feelings for? And sharing a bed with him at night? Surely Harry can handle that, too.

LA, Who Am I To Love You? by @epitomereally (E, 42k)

Harry’s summer in LA is not going as expected. Pansy Parkinson keeps inviting him to parties in the Hollywood Hills and harassing him to finally go to the physical therapist, Blaise Zabini keeps slipping new strains of his company’s magical weed into Harry’s pockets in hopes of an endorsement, and Draco Malfoy keeps having sex with everyone but Harry.

Here's The Pencil, Make It Work by ignatiustrout (M, 49k)

Harry thinks "Why is Malfoy working in a coffee shop in muggle London?" is a much simpler question than, "Are you going to accept that auror offer and, if you don't, what will you do?"

Modern Love by tackytiger (E, 61k)

Harry Potter, of all people, knows that life isn’t always fair. And no one gets to be happy all of the time. But surely there’s something more—something better—than a rubbish Ministry job, and a lonely old house, and that feeling that everyone out there is doing a better job of living than Harry is.

Azoth by @lol-zeitgeistic (E, 88k)

Now that Harry is back at Hogwarts with Hermione for eighth year, he realises that something’s missing from his life, and it either has to do with Ron, his boggart, Snape, or Malfoy. Furthermore, what, exactly, does it mean when one’s life is defined by the desire to simultaneously impress and annoy a portrait?

What We Pretend We Can't See by gyzym (M, 131k)

Seven years out from the war, Harry learns the hard truth of old history: it’s never quite as far behind you as you thought.

Can't Sit Still by wilteddaisy (E, 193k)

Five years after the war, Harry finds himself drawn to Draco Malfoy by memories that aren't his own.

[idyllic-affections]

general friendship headcanons (sumeru).

summary. what is it like being friends with some of sumeru's citizens?

trigger & content warnings. brief & hypothetical mentions of people being creepy towards you.

tropes, pairings, fic length, & other notes. fluff. alhaitham & reader, collei & reader, cyno & reader, kaveh & reader, nahida & reader, nilou & reader, wanderer & reader, tighnari & reader. 0.9k words. no pronouns for reader.

author's notes. just a lil filler post while i continue working on requests <3 should i make this into a series? i think i will HSKDHDLD sometimes i need things to post in between requests, especially when i get a wave of longer requests.

alhaitham is the kind of friend you can just... sit in the silence with. it's not uncomfortable silence whatsoever—it's, on the contrary, rather comforting and calming. he'll let you sit right up against him if you so please as he reads a book of his. you want to take a nap on him? go for it, he doesn't mind. i like to think that alhaitham finds the weight and pressure to be soothing (neurodivergent alhaitham my beloved...). you want to read your own book? that's fine. maybe you're doing something else—crocheting, knitting, drawing, writing... he really doesn't mind. whatever it is you choose to do, you're welcome to curl up against his side while you do it.

collei is another one you can sit in comforting silence with. she finds it nice just to spend time with her friend! if either of you aren't really interested in doing anything in particular, or if one or both of you aren't feeling great mentally or physically, she's totally cool with sitting in the calm quiet and cloud-gazing together. if you do want to do something, however, she's up for that too! she would also take you on patrol with her, i think, even if you need special accommodations. she'll figure it out. if you want to go with her, she'll find a way c: she's also the kind of friend that would enjoy trading easy & convenient recipes with you.

cyno is definitely the card game friend. you will learn to play tcg. you have no choice. it is your fate. /lh but i also like to think he's a considerably protective friend! he's the one to ask all the questions if you let him know you're planning on going out. he wants to know all the details. are you going with someone? yes? who is it? where are you planning on going? he literally just wants you to be safe, so sometimes it might come off as overbearing or infantilizing, but he really doesn't mean it that way! he genuinely just wouldn't forgive himself if something happened to you that he could have prevented.

kaveh is the kind of friend you could stay up until atrocious hours of the night talking to. also 100% the gossip friend. he'll sit there doing your hair, makeup, nails, or skincare routine—regardless of your gender, whatever you're comfortable with! kaveh genuinely doesn't care as long as you're happy and content—and tell you all of the terrible awful drama he overhears. he's also somewhat protective, but not to cyno's level. he'll inquire about your plans and will then tell you to be safe and have fun! he would feel really bad if something happened, though. really bad. will definitely, 100%, without a doubt tell off any creeps bothering you. he can pretend to be your brother or your boyfriend, whatever you need. he'll do it.

nahida is the therapist friend, in a way. she doesn't completely understand human emotions and thought processes, but she is totally happy to listen to whatever you need to get off your chest! it helps her understand you and other people better, and it (hopefully) helps you feel better. her advice is a little difficult to understand, admittedly... she tries her best though! if you don't understand, feel free to tell her. she'll try to be clearer. it may or may not work, and she has a chance of making her point even more confusing, but she really does try.

nilou is the kind of friend who's happy to do activities with you. she's happy to do anything as long as it's with her friend! she'll take you out to the shopping (only for you two to inevitably return with a ridiculous amount of free gifts for nilou, namely from the grand bazaar vendors...) if you'd like, or she can get you guys tickets to some of her favorite performances! she'd also love to teach you her style of dance if you'd be willing to and are able to learn. if you're not able, though, that's okay! she really doesn't mind. i like to think she'd also be super supportive of you and all your pursuits.

the wanderer is, quite simply, the begrudging friend. he will NOT admit that he cares about you and will claim the exact opposite. he'll say that he absolutely does not care whatsoever (but will then, in the same sentence, berate someone for so much as glancing at you in a way he deems to be wrong). he's a bit emotionally inarticulate—and rightfully so—but he really does care. his ways of showing it are just a little odd and unconventional. he acts like every display of affection ever is such a terrible burden that should not have been put on his shoulders, but secretly really loves holding your hand or giving you a hug. also really likes being held. like. he would die before admitting that but he... he just needs to be held, you know?

tighnari is the kind of friend who tells you all sorts of things—he shares his knowledge so freely with you, it's sort of like a love language. he'll tell you all about the local flora, explaining what plants you could eat in the case of an emergency and what ones you should never even touch. also as his friend you are allowed to touch his ears and tail. imagine habitually fidgeting with them while tighnari doesn't even flinch because, as long as you're always careful and gentle, he trusts you enough for that kind of thing. i bet he is very soft. anyway, i can't explain it, but i just know his hugs are warm and comforting and protective. he definitely gives really good hugs.

please consider reblogging, it helps me out quite a lot!

[lovelyladyabsinthewrites]

Pairing(s): Billy Butcher x Reader, Logan Howlett x Reader, Billy Butcher x Reader x Logan Howlett, slight!Billy Butcher x Becca Butcher

Warnings: this dynamic has just been on my mind, i have lsfav to finish but damn do i keep getting inspiration for billy butcher and logan<3, cheating, previous relationships mentioned, lets say this takes place in the beginning of the boys season 2?, brief deadpool cameo, jealousy, situationship, friends with benefits, crossover, the boys x marvel, soldier girl!au tidbit, yes i named it after a mean girls musical song

His grip tightens on the nape of your neck, Butcher takes another inhale and grimaces to himself.

He pulls away from you. Those dark eyes that usually shine with affection toward you were void of any life, a black chasm drilling into you. Hurt knits his brows together and set his lips into a deep grimace.

You knew his fingers were tightening as his hand shook but you couldn't feel the pressure.

"Who is he?"

Fuck

Why of all days did he decide to pay you attention? Lately he'd been in such a piss mood because Logan (aka your fuckbuddy) had been evading him for a while now. Also annoying how another supe known as Deadpool was helping Logan escape every time Butcher came relatively close.

You'd come up with excuses as to why you couldn't help out in capturing him.

Unconciously you sniff at your hair and internally curse Logan for constantly smothering his face in your hair. His signature scent of whiskey, cedar and dare you say even a hint of cigar smoke.

With a simple shrug, you dislodge his hand from your throat and take a step back in observation of his rigid frame. You think of all the times you 'd been jealous of Becca. You knew it was petty of you. She was his wife after all. It didn't matter that you'd known him the longest or that he'd quite possibly been the love of your life when you were in our early twenties.

"We never discussed being exclusive, Butcher." you quietly remind him. Butcher didn't like that reply, his feelings evident in the snarl that curls his upper lip. He couldn't get mad at you. You were right.

Haughtily he stomps around you, heading for the door.

You sigh after he loudly slams the door. Hughie pokes his head out from an adjoining room. "That didn't sound good. . ."

Refusing to give into Butcher's tantrum, you fold your arms in front of your chest. "Just let him blow off steam. Either way. . . It's not like I'm his partner or anything. We fuck on occasion. That's it."

"Not to mention your previous relationship with him?" Hughie brings up. "He might still have genuine feelings for you. Maybe for him, its not just fucking. You know Butcher. He's too proud for his own good so of course he's not going to mention it if you don't-"

"Jesus Christ Hughie, be someone else's goddamn therapist!" Snapping you immediately regret it when Hughie's mouth presses into a thin line. "I'm sorry, Hughie. . ."

Talking about your feelings wasn't normal for you either. Soldier Boy thought emotions were for pussies. Even if he'd had a soft spot for his daughter, it made him uncomfortable whenever you talked about your feelings. He wasn't equipped to deal with that.

"No, it's my bad. I should stay out of it."

You run a hand through your hair. "Fuck, Hughie. . .I really didn't want to think that this would hurt him. Or maybe I did. . . Shit, did I just ruin everything?"

Logan wasn't someone permanent, both of you knew that. Trouble followed both you and Logan. Intersecting your lives would conclude with utter chaos. You really liked him though. Damn you say you were fond of Logan and his reserved nature. You'd come to appreciate waking up to his face that still possessed a hint of a scowl in his brows. Weary lines etched into his features were engrained in your memory.

Hughie gives a pause before inquiring "Is it someone we know? If it is, we should give them a heads up."

A shake of your head, you plop down on a chair that is barely held together by duct tape. Your stuck in your thoughts of Logan. His long sideburns that you liked to play with when you lay in his arms. You'd even got to know Wade and had taken to calling Logan 'Peanut' too. He'd definitely become more than a simple booty call. Logan slowly entwined his life with your's.

"No. Butcher will never find out who he is. I'm certain of it. But to be on the safe side. . . I'll have to call it quits for now. I just- He's so focused on finding where Becca is that I didn't think it would bother him if I was with someone else."

There's another chair across from you that Hughie takes up. "He loves you a lot. He's never stopped. He told me that even when he was married to Becca, he loved you. Its hard when you love two people at once. You don't intend for it to happen, but circumstances will it into existence."

Internally you chuckle. Hughie really should have concerned therapy as a profession or some sort of degree in psychology. Yet you suppose he was in the same situation as both you and Butcher. He was falling in love with Annie/Starlight but would always love Robin.

Reaching for your phone, you're already pulling up your texts with Logan (you had him saved as '🥜').

[emeritus-fuckers]

Hi! Long time enjoyer of the beautiful works you and your friends write! I recently had to have my leg amputated and once I'm fully healed I'll be getting a prosthetic. I was wondering how the Papas and Sister would react to a s/o who had to have their leg amputated and gets a prosthetic once they've healed? Thank you in advance and keep up the great work! 😊🖤

Papas, Sister Imperator and Delta with an amputee darling

Primo (he/him)

Incredibly supportive the entire time.

He even offers to push your wheelchair while you heal after the amputation.

He learns from the doctors and nurses on how to take care of you properly.

Offers you one of his favorite canes for when you have to re-learn how to walk with your new prosthetic.

He is very patient with you. He knows it's stressful for you.

He'll be with you on your every physical therapy. He encourages you to keep trying, as hard as it might be.

He's very proud of you. And you will know it.

Secondo (he/him)

If you think this man doesn't speedrun courses on how to best assist and take care of you, you don't know this man at all.

He's your nurse now. He expertly helps you with physical therapy.

Gets you regular check-ups and personally drives you there.

If you get too tired, he'll carry you. Yes, you have a wheelchair, but aren't his arms just better?

He gets you the most expensive prosthetic he can find.

A few of them, even.

He paints them however you wish. He's a good painter.

Terzo (he/they)

He hasn’t left your side since the beginning of this journey.

They’re well aware that this is a change that will have major effects on you and possibly your mental health. He’s already got the best physical and mental therapists on standby to help with your every need.

They stay by your side until you’re taken for surgery and is the first thing you see upon waking up. Especially since he crawled in the bed with you.

He brought Alpha and Omega with him to help get you back out of the hospital. The ghouls are gentle and they justified Alpha by pointing out heat helps with being sore.

They get you transportation wherever you need to go, but insists on being the only one to push your wheelchair when you aren’t up for walking.

Terzo also took it upon himself to help you fully customize your chair, prosthetic, crutches and whatever other mobility aids you require.

They also ensure you get plenty of time with him, relaxing in his room and being showered in affection and love.

Copia (he/him)

While you are healing he finds the most adorable rat printed bandages to cover the normal medical ones.

He'll look after you, everything you need. He doesn't want you to do anything that would be uncomfortable for you. He doesn't mind he is really happy to be able to do this for you as you bring so much joy to his life.

You end up cuddled on the sofa with Copia playing video games with the rats being as comforting as possible too.

He is your biggest supporter by far, he is always there when you need him.

While you are learning to walk with the prosthetic he'll happily accompany you.

He looked at you sheepishly as a rat's head poked out of your pocket and a few jump up on his shoulder. He explained that they wanted to come too and help, but only if you don't mind.

He also offers to drive you anywhere you want while you are healing. He offers to take you to the beach house. It's perfect for resting and enjoying a good view and there are some really nice walks nearby for when you are feeling up to it. He'll happily push you in a wheelchair around them until that time.

Old Papa Nihil (he/him)

He's very tender and supportive. We all know what old Nihil can be like, but he really steps up to the mark for you.

Even though he is getting older he is still very strong, so he insists on carrying you out to the garden on a nice day. You two sit and enjoy the sun.

He does have some limitations with his age but he makes sure to find the best doctors and nurses he can to look after you.

He goes with you to physical therapy and if you want he'll join in to keep you company.

You often get the giggles at the old man noises that come out of him on some of the exercises.

He keeps you company while you heal and brings you whatever you need.

He is very good at helping you pass the time, he's had practice when his own health has been bad.

Young Papa Nihil (he/him)

He is 100% there for you, even if he is a little unsure how to be.

He goes and finds advice on how to help as he doesn't want to get it wrong.

He is very good at taking your mind off things, he thinks of fun things to do at all stages of your healing. Things that are within your capabilities at that time.

He is so proud of you and how you push through it. He admits, if it was him, he wouldn't handle it so well.

He'll help you learn to walk on the prosthetic. He finds the perfect place for you to get your strenght back once you are up to walking short distances.

The park at dusk, he knows a way to sneak in even though it shuts then. He used to go there to get high but he much prefers walking with you.

No one else is around, and the park is beautiful in the soft orange and pink light. He knows a spot that has a good view of the sunset and you take a break sitting on the bench and watch, his arms wrapped around you keeping out the early evening chill.

Young Sister Imperator (she/her)

She makes sure you have the best available professionals take care of you.

She might not always be available, but she has at least one Ghoulette taking care of you at all times.

The Ghoulette is tasked with documenting everything about your amputation, physical therapy and all the doctor visits.

While she may not have much free time, Imperator does a lot of research on the subject and speaks to all the doctors whenever she can.

She manages to get some time off around the time of the procedure so she can support you.

She keeps you on a very strict schedule when it comes to physical therapy, but you know she means well.

She does a lot of research before you two pick a perfect prosthetic.

Old Sister Imperator (she/her)

She does so much research she could practically be a doctor, a nurse and a physical therapist at this point.

Her Ghoulettes are all expected to go through training to help you as well.

She knows so much she could probably lecture the doctors. If it wasn't for the fact that she researched them, as well. She knows they are the absolute best at what they do.

She makes sure to get time off around the big day, as well as the first two weeks of your physical therapy.

She makes a small joke about how you'll be running around with your prosthetic just as she runs in her favorite red heels.

She will stay by your side whenever it gets rough, letting you talk about everything you feel.

She'll provide you as much comfort as she can.

Delta (they/it)

Delta being the Ministry’s most unfortunate element transition has lots of knowledge on going through amputation.

They answer any and all questions you have before the procedure, promising to help however it can in your recovery.

When you wake up, they’re waiting by your bed with a huge bouquet of flowers and your favourite food. According to them all amazing patients deserve a treat.

When you begin therapy to work up to getting the prosthetic, they do the exercises with you. Kinda taking over the job of the physical therapist since it knows these exercises.

Actually…they kinda replace a lot of professional help. Since they’re a professional through lived experience.

They help you learn to do the bandages properly. When you get your prosthetic they do their best to assist with putting it on, taking it off, cleaning all the different parts, balance and more.

Kinda worked in your favour having a double amputee by your side. It can really help with both your physical and mental health, having someone like them so close to you right now.

~

Papas I, II and Sister Imperator written by Nosferatu.

Papa III and Delta written by Death.

Papas IV and Nihil written by Nyx.

[theaspen]

summary : Jay seems to keep appearing in your alternate nightmares. He acts as your night in shining armor, always helping you in your sleep. But when you try to stop the nightmares altogether he doesn't like it.

Genre : Thriller, angst.

pairing : Jay x you

Warnings: Graphic descriptions of blood, death and suicide. If you are sensitive to these subjects please don't read!!

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Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

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Authors note: It's honestly SO embarrassing that I'm posting this now LMAOAOAOA.

Uhm. I'm sorry. I hope you guys enjoy and leave some nice comments or feedback or anything tbh. And send me an ask, or comment below to be added to the tag list.

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Are you sure?” My uncle asks sceptically.

“Yes I'm sure.” I tell him firmly. 

This is the 10th time he's asked me this question today alone. What's a therapist gonna do? Besides, I'm sick of him pretending to care. 

“Uncle, I'm not really sure why you're so insistent on this. Is it because the press is outside? They want to interview you?”

It's a sharp dig at him and I know it. He's never cared about his own brother, never visited.

He scowls at me, “Careful, might I have to remind you that it isn't your father that's taking care of you, putting you in the best room with the best doctors.”

I glare at him as he walks away from the room. Well atleast the pathetic nice act is gone. 

Kyungsoo enters my room soon again, throwing a careful glance at my uncle. He was a big shot after all. With his more than successful firm.

“You good?” He asks.

“Yeah, um I think I'll just go for a walk.” I tell him rather shortly.

“Sure.” He says quietly, probably assuming I had an argument.

But truth be told, I'm avoiding him. I'm getting attached to someone who's just tolerating me for their job. It's not his fault I know but I can't get attached to those who won't stay once I'm up and gone. 

My mind goes to Jay for a tiny second. Hm. Maybe I should talk to a therapist. The dreams stopped for two days and usually I would be overjoyed at the idea of not just one but two full nights rest.

But I woke up feeling uneasy, I made a promise to Jay, someone who exists only in my head. But I made a promise nevertheless. 

There are so many things I want to ask him, so many. 

Why do I have no dreams? Why is it that I only ever have a blackout or nightmares?

Why is he saving me? 

I know I shouldn't, but my curiosity has gotten the better of me. I look down at my fisted hands and open them. There are two sleeping pills, I stole it from a nurse's bag when she wasn't looking. 

Sleeping pills and I aren't the best of friends. Sure they help me not have a meltdown from not being able to sleep for almost 20 hours but they also give me the worst types of nightmares.   Which right now happens to be something that I need. 

“Goodnight.”Kyungsoo tries to smile at me.

I meekly smile back , eager to down the pills and meet the one person who actually wants me to stay.

_________________________________________

The pills go down my throat ten minutes later. The small light creates a shadow of me in front.  The shadows shift, turning and twisting and I watch fascinated as they give a performance for me. 

I'm not afraid, a part of my brain thinks. What are the shadows going to do? They've been with me forever. Taunting me, trying to manipulate me. I've never given into any of their tricks. I've never trusted them. 

But when I'm all alone now, in a tiny closet peeking out from the hole and watching the shadows linger my heart picks up its beat. 

They come and they disappear again and again. I look through the tiny peep the closet gives and realise soon as they go behind every nook and creek that they are looking for none other than me. 

 

My hands reach out to clasp my mouth shut. My body folds itself as small as it can possibly go. Will the shadows think to look here too?

I shut my eyes forcefully. My other senses heightened until I could feel everything around me. The musty smell of the closet, my fingernails digging into themselves.  My feet numb, paralyzed. 

My breathing becomes slower, my arms start to unclench. I think they're gone. I think I can get out now. Escape to a place where they can't catch me. 

Before I know it, before I can even pull my hands away from myself. There's a strange hiss that comes inches away from me. A hand grabs my ankle and pulls me hard enough that I don't have time to scream. 

My head bangs against the hard wooden doors as I'm being pulled away. The impact is so hard that I can only clutch my head and groan as the hands keep pulling me away, dragging me on the rough wooden floors.

The splinters catch on clothes and skin. My chin is bleeding, but I can't even stop. Can't even catch a hold of myself as I try to catch myself breathlessly.  

There's a sharp turn to the right, and that's when I know that the shadows aren't just pulling me along aimlessly , they have a destination in mind. 

My eyes scan around desperately trying to catch hold of something to stop. 

Just then, a hand- a solid, real and warm hand catches me. A sudden stop to the journey. 

I know who it is before I can even look up. I clasp my hands with his. The shadows aren't pleased, they hiss and linger around My ankles. 

But when his hand keeps tugging me in, the shadows start to dissolve, materialise into nothing, losing their power. 

Jay's hands pull me again, even when the shadows disappear, he doesn't let go and I don't either.

When I gain a little strength into my limbs I finally pull away from the embrace. I look into his eyes, they are wide and scared, maybe even more than mine.

“Thank yo-”

“Why didn't you come?? You made a promise and you leave me all alone here?!” Jay yells angrily.

I pull away completely.  I was happy to finally see him again, but seeing his bloodshot face. The look of absolute rage in his eyes makes me stop. Brings the familiar uneasy feeling back into my stomach. 

“I'm sorry.” I mumble.

Jay looks at my crestfallen face, and immediately his face softens. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn't have yelled at you. I was just scared you left forever.” He says softly, “You're hurt a lot this time. Come here, let's clean you up.” 

He rips off a piece of his sleeves and starts dabbing it on my wounds.

His reassuring words don't chase away the moths in my stomach. 

“Jay..do you think I should see a therapist?”

Jay frowns at my words, “A therapist? What's that?” He asks curiously. 

“Umm. It's someone who helps you with your problems, like stress, anxiety…nightmares.”

Jay stiffens upon that. His hand paused on my chin. 

“But why…? I can save you. I save you every time.”

I shake my head,

“I can save you again, you won't even have to get hurt next time. Just trust me. That's all you need to do!”

I take his hands in mine, his eyes are trembling, 

“What happens when you can't?”

“..what”

“What happens when one day you can't save me? I can wake up, but what about you? What if something happens to you instead?” 

He shakes his head intently, “I don't care, I only exist because of you. If you're gone, then I'm alone again, I have no purpose.”

I stay silent at that, avoiding his eyes. 

The world around me seems to shift again, faster than it did before. 

“I think I'm waking up now.”

“Yeah.”

“Can't you…can't you appear in my dreams too? Not just nightmares?”

“I don't know.”

I can feel my resolve slipping at the sight of his tired face. He looks my age, but at this moment his face seems to have gone through a millenia worth of sadness. 

“I'll come back okay?” 

Jay just nodded. His fingers slip away from mine as he watches me disappear again. I never stay for long. He wonders whether it's because I can't or I don't want to. 

Jay fidgets with his fingers even after I'm gone. 

He thinks long and hard about how he could make me stay. Every time I've left, it's only because he saved me.

What happens when he makes me believe that she can't escape the nightmare anymore? 

________________________________________

Taglist : @sunjaylove @ryejigyu @keikeu

@excusemeimquirky @lollllllliiiiiiiiiiiipop

[crucipuzzled]

About Loid Forger's therapy in SxF manga chapter 77 (Spoilers ahead)

There's a Freudian text for everything. Today's all about The Question of Lay Analysis (1926), also known as Wild Analysis.

Endo did what I have been planning to do for a comic of my own: depict Loid actually working as a Psychiatrist. While I'm glad he took this path, sadly I can't say he did a good job on it.

As some of you know, I'm a therapist grounded in Psychoanalitic Theory. Yes, I like Freud and Lacan, and no, Oedipus Complex is not what you heard it is. I did a brief analysis of Psychiatry stuff in SxF in the past, and today I feel compelled to repeat that exercise.

Let's go in order.

1. The importance of being a third party

What's the reason for which people ask a therapist for help, and not their families or friends? What do we have that they don't?

The answer is pretty simple: neutrality. We don't have a side other than rationality and ethics. A good therapist should be able to listen to his patient without losing objectivity.

When you and your patient have a shared, unique shared experience, it's preferable, even ethical, to refer him to another therapist, in order to preserve the higher interest of the patient. The more neutrality you can muster, the better for the curing process. Otherwise, it's really hard to listen to someone else without being constantly reminded of yourself. It turns into a blind spot.

Now, there are exceptions to this rule, but you must handle them carefully, and always putting the patient at the center. Loid openly talking here about how close he is to the hijacking incident doesn't help much.

In short, you have to ensure that your position in the therapeutic process remains an impartial, neutral Other, and avoid becoming a fellow. It's good to create trust, but not too much, just enough to work.

2. Chronic condition (?)

The biggest difference between a Psychiatrist and a Psychologist is that the first went to Med School. Hence, chronicity is a term that applies mostly for organic conditions, but it's rare in the field of subjectivity.

In my short experience, I've met cases labeled as "chronic depression" being cured. I, myself, cured a case of "compulsive suicide attempts since 15 years old, chronic depression, started hearing evil voices 2 weeks ago". You might think that I'm a great therapist, but it's not the case; it's just that, in order to tackle subjective problems, you ought to go to the root of the symptoms and deal with the subjectivity you find there. Psychoanalitic therapy has proven to be wonderful to treat many conditions that didn't get a cure in other types of psychotherapy.

Of course, it's not a panacea. There are things that we can't figure out yet. But bear in mind that chronicity, in the field of the mind, is more complex than just the passage of time and only a bunch of mental conditions truly admit it.

Jacques Lacan, the most important psychoanalist after Freud, said that the unconscious's track of time is not chronological, but logical. You don't just jump out of adolescence because you turned 18; other things need to happen for you to finally feel like an adult. It's a logical progression. The same can be said about some "chronic" conditions.

3. Explicit Reason of Consultation vs Latent Reason of Consultation

A.K.A Everybody lies.

Psychotherapy is a really weird thing to learn and master. In Psychology School they teach you that you must trust what your patient tells you, but at the same time, distrust him enough. How to conceal both things?

Well, everything is easier when you take Dr. House's words to heart.

Everyone states a reason for consultation, but that first reason is never the real reason, no matter how reasonable it might sound. The trick to discern what the latent, real reason for consultation is, is to determine what the subjective conflict hiding in plain sight is. Sometimes there isn't any and therefore, a full psychotherapy is not necessary (maybe just assisting someone with some things, being there just in case, etc), but most cases are built upon a conflict.

I'm glad that Loid here decided to act like a good Psychiatrist and took a mental note on the oddities.

WELL SAID MY BOY, I'M PROUD OF YOU

I want to remark this, because it's discouraging how many therapists oversee this to simplify their job to an extreme. Believe it or not, there are therapists out there that act upon what their patients tell them first. "Hi doc. I came here today because I got an accident and I think I have PTSD". "Ok, I'll have you practice these mindfulness excercises and you should be ok within a month, see ya". DUDE.

4. The place of truth in the context of Psychotherapy

Ah, the classic temptation of knowing the 'real' truth. Is this patient in front of me bullshitting his way out? Is he in a delirium? Is she telling the truth, or just embellishing her story to make it more believable?

You don't have this struggle once you are certain of your role as a psychotherapist. And your role is to help your patients to deal with their subjective struggles.

In short: Psychoterapy deals with the patient's truth, not with the 'real' truth.

You know who deals with 'real' truth in the field of Mental Health? Social Workers.

We psychotherapists don't need to ascertain our patient's claims. Confronting them with reality usually proves to be fruitless, just like Loid did here ("But you're a respected educator!"). It's way more useful to open the topic by asking more questions such as "How did you reach that conclussion?" "What made you think that way?", or giving a specular answer ("You speak like someone else said that about you", "You're too hard with yourself. Where does that come from?", "It sounds like you're belittling your fear for what your wife could say", etc etc etc).

Whenever you're with a neurotic patient, their own personal truth is the only truth you need to work with. Leave the 'real' truth for people who actually needs it, like Social Workers, Doctors or Judges. Your role with a patient is to make sure that his personal truth can turn into something less painful. No need to talk with their friends and family for info, unless your patient is a child or a teenager; just ask him and stick to what he says word by word.

There's a huge topic about the place of reality in therapy, specially in the field of Psychoanalysis, but if I start this train of thought I'm afraid I'll go down to Hell. If you're interested, I've reblogged some Lacanian pills on this Tumblr, check them out by searching the tag #lacan.

PS: NO LOID, DON'T DO THAT. DON'T BREAK THE TRUST YOU ACHIEVED WITH MR AUSTIN! CONFIDENTIALITY IS A MUST!!

5. Counceling = Psychotherapy?

Loid is a (fake) Psychiatrist, not a psychotherapist, so I can't be too hard on him. Also I stan this man. I'm painfully well aware that councelling and coaching is an alternative to psychotherapy in other parts of the world, mostly in the US. But let's not forget one thing:

Psychotherapists DON'T GIVE ADVICES.

At least, not the ones that take this job seriously.

Everyone can give advices. Do you want an advice? Ask your family or friends, or post something in social media, or ask a complete stranger in the street what to do. You'll get plenty of answers and advices. Maybe a bunch of them will be really useful. Good!

The thing with advices is that: -They act like a universal recipe for a problem -There's no universal recipe to sort a problem -They don't tackle the subjective root of a problem -They assume that the problem can be solved by something you can do upon your surroundings, when the real struggle stems from subjective problems Some advices do help with real struggles, but when you have a subjective conflict, they barely help; hell, sometimes they make everything worse.

Like Loid here.

Remember when I mentioned that the unconscious mind's track of time is not chronological, but logical? This is a great example. Mr Austin won't be able to properly talk with his wife just because Loid adviced him to; he must solve other issues before that.

I'm glad we're on the same page on this one

6. Your therapist is not your friend

Sad but true.

If your therapist is good enough, you won't know many things about his private life. You won't know about his lover, his hobbies, where does he live, what does he fear.

Why the secretism? Because it's useless for the patient. Also because disclosing personal information has the effect of becoming a model for the patient, who would start to imitate you. And finally, because you need to mantain a semblance of neutrality and not getting emotionally close with the patient more than necessary.

PS: It's kinda cute how aware Loid is about Yor's every movement. Kinda. KISS HER ALREADY, GODDAMNIT

7. Talking cure and (how not to use) the divan

I talked a bit about divans here.

There, I mentioned that you should NEVER PUT A PSYCHOTIC PATIENT IN A DIVAN. NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE. Well, we can amplify this rule a bit and say that you should avoid the divan with any patient that has a risk of getting seriously upset, like in severe trauma.

The divan is not the only thing that could play against you if badly used. There are cases in Psychiatric Hospitals of patients getting upset because their therapists used the same clothes and hairstyle every single day for months. The point here is that, with psychotic patients and fragile psychic structures (like what happens in traumatized people), you can't use methods that require too much projection.

Also, Lottie here is not performing a Talking Cure.

The divan has been used since Freud to facilitate transference through the Free Association Method. You lay down on it and your therapist ask for whatever crosses your mind first. You don't put a content there beforehand.

(On the same line, if you're a therapist, please refrain from decorating your consultation room with motivational phrases. You're putting words in your patient's mouth before he even starts to speak)

So, it's useless to make Mr Austin lay down on a divan, only to ask him to remember a specific memory. I'd advice (Ha! The irony!) against using the divan here.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------- To finish my Two Cents, I'd like to point some positive aspects of this chapter. It's nice that a troubled person decides to seek for help. There's still a huge stigma about men requiring mental health help, and it's a nice example to settle to portray one actually going to a Psychiatrist. Men usually struggle with their problems alone and they have it rough.

It's also nice that, in the end, Loid could help his patient. I wonder how (How?!), but it probably means that, at some point of the process, he changed his methods for the better.

And yes. Sometimes, helping one single person can change many lives. I'm honored to be able to attest to that :D

As everyone, I'd expect the logical sucession of events that could follow this chapter: Loid realizing he's got a heck of a wife compared to other marriages, appreciating Yor more, and giving us heavy smut cute TwiYor moments. But Endo has proven to be an author that doesn't like to follow logic. So, let's brace for whatever will come in two weeks.

Thank you for reading!

[princesssmars]

Hiiii! If you don’t mind could you please do a Sam carpenter x fem/gn!reader, where the reader is just like completely overstimulated and someone from the friend group does something that just makes the reader like get super upset and makes them walk away and sam is kinda confused and goes to asks the reader and comforts them and stuff? If not then that’s okay!

trust me

a sam carpenter x reader

wc : 1533

cw : fluff. angst. reader is stressed. conflict caused by mindy but its justified so don't think i don't love her! italic bit thats readers thoughts. ethan slander fuck that little worm. (f/t) means fave takeout!

an : couldnt think of a title nahh 💀but thank you for the request im happy to do it! i hope you like this even if it might be a bit rushed bc i wanna help add to the sam tag since im obsessed with her rn.

when you first moved to new york city it was a whirlwind. new people, new things to see, great food. granted when you got off of your first subway ride a rat tried to fight you over the grinder you had in your hand, but you still loved it.

but of course, everything didn't stay sunshine and rainbows for long. the big apple was expensive, and finding a job that fit your schedule and was able to pay your side of the rent was tough. but you managed. kind of.

your roommate and close friend convinced you to see a therapist she had heard about from a friend, and you decided it couldn't hurt to try. the guy was helpful if a bit annoying, but it was worth it when you saw her coming out of her session. now NYC was filled with a plethora of hot people, but you swear when she made eye contact with you and gave you a polite smile you felt your brain melting.

you saw her a few more times before you introduced yourself. she seemed wary but told you about herself as well, telling you her name was sam and that she had moved to new york not long ago as well with her sister for college. she seemed nervous, but you were a stranger so you chalked it off as anxiety.

you asked her for her number and did a small mental celebration when she said yes, deciding to text her the next afternoon to not seem too desperate.

luckily your efforts paid off! she was a bit distant the first few times you talked, but after inviting her out for lunch at some new restaurant in brooklyn she warmed up to you quickly, even enough to introduce you to her sister and her friends.

it was only after a few weeks of knowing her that you found out what happened in woodsboro. you had an inkling that something bad had happened, the way sam was hesitant with phsyical affection, the caution they all took when locking their doors and carrying mace and tasers with them to get groceries. when sam had let you in to what happened with ghostface - her ex - and how he had almost killed all of them. you had let her know it didn't make tou think of her any differently, that you still cared about her and her past wouldn't change that. that moment had led to the first kiss between the two of you.

and you had meant what you said to sam, that you would stick beside her no matter what. but it still took a toll on you, that danger was following you and the people you had grown to care about no magter what.

the one thing you didn't expect was for them to expect the danger could be you.

it was supposed to be a normal friday night at sam's apartment, spent talking to each other and her friends and maybe watching a movie with some takeout after her appointment. nice and simple.

the door opens and you turn to see if it's sam, smiling when tara, chad, mindy and anika walked through the door. chad's roommate. ethan, wasn't with them this time and you let out a small sigh of relief. he seemed nerdy enough

"hey guys, everything alright?" you asked the group, noticing the down and wary looks on their faces. tara mumbled something before quickly walking into her room, chad hot on her heels. anika rested on the couch next to yours with a sigh, mindy sitting next to her and farther away from you. a bit odd, but you chalked it up to all of them being tired from school.

"something happened over at fordham. some girl from blackmore was found almost butchered in an alley." anika wrings hers hands together, a nervous habit she told you she picked up as a kid.

"jesus christ, do they have any clue who might have done it?" you ask.

"oh please, how many freaks do you you think like to nearly carve out peoples chest?" mindy scoffed, busying herself with something on her phone.

"you don't think it's ghostface, do you?" your voice was wavering against your will. after sam had told you what happened you did some digging into the masked killer, and its safe to say you were on edge until it eventually showed its face again.

she shrugged. "we all knew they were gonna find us again eventually. nows just a matter of determining who it is." she looked at you, and you felt the strain behind your eyes at how far they widened.

"i hope you're not saying what i think you're saying..."

"dont take it too personally, y/n. she accused me and ethan too." anika waved your worries off, and even though her normally peaceful personality would calm anyone down, it wasn't really working right now.

"i'm just saying, you're also new to the friend group, coincidentally moved here a while before us and had the same therapist as sam? and then started dating her? it's suspicious." mindy lists off the reasons she suspects you, and with each item you feel your chest tighten.

is this really what they think of me? a threat? does sam think of me like this? does she not trust me? does she not love me?

you don't register the sound of mindy's voice or the sound of the front door opening before you hurry from the couch to the bedroom near the back of the apartment - sam's room.

you sit on the edge of the bed and put your head in your hands, trying to calm the racing negative thoughts in your head. it feels like hours when its probably been a few minutes of you failing to calm yourself down when the door opens slowly and a weight sits down on the bed next to you.

"is it ok if i touch you?" sam ask from next to you, making sure to keep a good distance so as not to overwhelm you. when you nod and whisper out a yes she moves to sit behind your body, wrapping her arms around you and allowing you to fall back and rest on her chest.

"do you wanna tell me what's going on? it's alright if you dont, i'll still be right here."

her soft tone makes you squint your eyes hard, scared that she's trying to get you to let your guard down. but there's a little voice in your head that trusts her more than anything. that desperately wants to let her in. so you do.

"it's just...mindy was talking about ghostface and she was questioning me. i know that you've all been through so much but...if they can't, if you don't trust me then i don't know what i would do."

sam doesn't interrupt while you speak, fully paying attention to your words as you let her know what's bothering you. you're just about to walk back your statement because of her silence when she softly turns your body to sit sideways in her lap, bringing her hand up to cup your face and turn it so you can't look anywhere but her eyes.

"hey, i want you to listen to me, ok? you know mindy. she's just looking out for us, she didn't mean to antagonize you im sure of it. if anything i'm pretty sure if ghostface comes back she's more likely to suspect ethan right away, the kid weirds her out," she says, unable to help herself from smiling when you giggle at her words.

"but more importantly you know me. you know i'd never have anyone around me, my sister or our friends if i didn't trust them, yeah? i trust you and i love you, more than anything."

you cant help but tear up and smile at her words. sam wasn't one for frequent words of affection, so you knew when she said something she meant it. she lets out a small grunt when you throw yourself into a hug in her arms, tackling the both of you onto the bed in a heap of giggles. you spend the next few minutes laughing and sharing small i love you's and sweet kisses.

after you've both calmed down sam asks if you're ready to head into the living room, squeezing your hand when you give a strained little nod. walking together back to the living room, your face lights up at the smell of your favorite takeout, rushing to the couch to see everyone munching down on some food.

mindy turns her head around to see you and purses her lips awkwardly. "uh, i was hungry so i ordered some (f/t). there's enough for the both of you."

"she's trying to apologize for calling you ghostface." tara butts in while taking another bite of her food, ignoring when mindy slaps her on the leg.

"aww, it's alright cheeks. i understand." you tease the brunette with the silly nickname you gave her a few weeks ago, reaching over to squish her cheeks together like a kid. she sticks her tounge out at you but doesn't move to stop you, figuring she'll let you have this.

"yeah yeah whatever, sit down and eat your food."

you sit on sams' lap on the squished couch, ignoring the kissing noises and fake gagging sounds of your friends. in this moment, nothing anyone says can get to you.

.

.

.

i believe in the lost art of ending the fic with a cheesy bit. happy pride gaybos.

[harrypotterandthefandomaccount]

in a new body

pairing: draco malfoy x fem!insecure!reader (enemies to friends and maybe lovers, but not stated)

request: imagine being insecure about your stomach because of draco then he gets to know you and makes you feel more comfortable in your skin? please

warnings: body-hatred, insecurity of body, body dysmorphia(?), honestly just hating one's body

notes: this one hit home, just cried to my therapist last week about this! haha! live, laugh, love!

you hated draco malfoy.

actually, hate is a strong word; you extremely disliked draco malfoy. he believed he was better than everyone else with his stupid face, his stupid slytherin family history, his stupid rich background, and his stupid cruelty towards you.

draco malfoy was stupid and you highly disliked him.

for years, you had received as much torment as harry potter from draco malfoy due to your weight, especially your stomach. you'd be the laughing stock of malfoy and the rest of his slytherin gang, no matter how many times ginny weasley and hermione granger would tell you, "don't pay that evil little cockroach any mind."

you wish you could say the same thing to the voice in your head, screaming at you to do those ab workouts, to not eat as much during the school meals. you wish you could just flip a switch, that draco would stop asking you how many pounds you put on just from breakfast alone, or if you had any trouble fitting into your skirt that morning.

"or you can just sock him in the throat," mentioned ron, mouth full of food.

"you wanna do it for me?" you asked back, an eyebrow raised. ron shook his head and went back to his plate.

hermione sighed beside you, "why not bring it up to dumbledore? or even snape? they should hear the vile things he says to you."

you shrugged, "i don't know, i don't think it's worth it, honestly. that might just make him come at me more and at the moment, i cannot handle that." you tried to laugh at the end, but it came out struggled.

ron gave a smile across from you, mouth full of food, "at least you're not harry, fighting draco constantly to see who the heir of slytherin is."

harry's face turned red, "ron, please, can we not?"

you gave a quiet laugh, "i actually appreciated that ron, thank you." harry groaned beside the redhead.

ginny was about to comment until you heard the goblin voice of draco malfoy himself directly behind you, "hey, y/n, walk any steps today to shed off some pounds? looks like you need to."

hermione glared at draco, "how dare you speak to her, or anyone, like that! you are utterly repulsive!"

draco glanced around the table, "granger, when?"

hermione shot him a look, "when what?"

draco snickered, "did i ask? but seriously y/n, give your legs a break from carrying all that!" and with that, he walked away, proud of himself as he pounded knuckles with crabbe and goyle.

ron and harry stood up, ready to lunge at draco before you gave them a look, shaking your head.

you bit your lip, "suddenly not hungry anymore. um, i think i'm gonna head up to the dorms. see you guys later?"

before anyone could disagree, you stood up from the benches and made your way out of the great hall, running into fred and george who quickly noticed your watery eyes.

"you alright there, y/n?" fred asked, and you nodded quickly, "yes, i'm fine but i have to go - study. goodbye."

the twins looked at one another, and then at your retreating form, "y/n, are you sure-" their question dropped as you continued on.

and with that, the twins were left dumbfounded until they were informed by their friends, brother, and sister.

not long after that incident, draco left you alone, making you and your friends become very suspicious, as if malfoy had a trick up his sleeve. but shockingly, he didn't, and he continued to not talk to you until potions class.

when professor snape decided partnering up different classmates was a great idea, and you two ended up together. he had wandered over to your desk, sitting beside you.

he smirked, "y/n."

you nodded, "listen, just let me do this potion so we can get a decent grade and then you can go back to torturing me, ok? unless you want your grade to suffer?"

draco stayed quiet, somewhat taken aback by your words, "i can help, you know, might as well make sure someone like you doesn't screw it up."

you looked up from the textbook, "someone like me? right, because i'm so repulsive to look at, draco. thank you for the reminder, i'll make sure to dedicate my next workout to you, you git."

with tears on the verge of falling, you grabbed your textbook and hastily walked out the room, professor snape yelling, "and two weeks worth of detention for you, miss l/n!"

you flipped him off right outside the classroom, somewhat bummed and relieved at the same time that he didn't see it.

draco was stunned, simple as that. he knew he was a jerk, a total asshole, but to him, it was pure fun. there was no harm - at least to him. but now, as he sat in potions class, noticing how all eyes were on him, he came to the realization that there was harm done.

draco never actually thought you were heavy or overweight, or even ugly; by merlin no, he thought you were so pretty. yet, he wanted to slap himself as that was no excuse to bully her until she cried - no, he knew that was the wrong way to go about it.

so then why did he do it? he hated that stupid saying that guys bullied girls because they liked them, but draco wondered if that were true in his case. or if he just didn't want to acknowledge his feelings for you.

he pondered the rest of potions class, speechless as to why he thought making fun of your weight was any excuse to talk to you. all he did was hurt you so deeply, cut wounds into your being.

draco knew he was an asshole, and knew he messed up. so how does he apologize?

apologizing was not his strong suit as he never needed to; well, at least to anyone besides his parents. why apologize to anyone else if nobody was as important as them? oh, but you were. you were so full of life and jokes, so kind to him when you all arrived as first-years, yet he has always been so cruel to you. was draco seriously this foreign to kindness that he decided the easiest way to reciprocate was to be mean?

yeah, i guess so.

draco stood up, his chair screeching against the floor. everyone looked at him and draco glanced to snape, "i've got to go." and with that, he was gone, leaving everyone with wide eyes and raised eyebrows.

hermione looked to ron, "where do you think he's going?"

ron shrugged, "beats me. maybe thinking of new insults to hurl at y/n. it's been a while."

hermione sighed and shuffled uncomfortably in her seat, "i wanna go look for her, ron."

harry heard her and shook his head, "bad idea; i think snape might lose it if one more person leaves or even raises their hand."

severus snape was indeed distraught at the behavior that was taking place in his classroom.

but he was not as taken aback as you were now in the astronomy tower.

why had it taken all up until now for you to snap? to even come back at him with something as much as anger? draco deserved to be yelled at, to be slapped, to be, as ron said, "socked in the throat."

you wiped your tears, sitting on the concrete floor as sobs racked your shoulders again. a few owls surrounded and flew around the tower as you whispered, "i hate my body. i have so much hatred for this fat, the way i look, the way i feel. i hate it." you sobbed, feeling the tears slip down your cheeks.

you let out a shaky breath, looking in your bag to grab a tissue before snot became your worst enemy. you wiped your nose, wrinkling it at the feeling before you sighed. you sniffled, tears filling your eyes again.

"i'm sorry."

you jumped, looking around for the source of the voice until you saw draco shuffle out of the darkness by the concrete wall.

you scoffed, "ugh, merlin! go away, malfoy. you're the last person i want to see right now, if you haven't caught on."

he kicked against the floor, "i deserve that."

"and i deserved your bullying, too, right?"

draco glanced to you, shaking his head even though yours had turned back around. he stepped closer, "no, no, you didn't. i'm... i'm a git, you're right."

you sniffled, looking to him as he sat beside you. you grumbled, "took you long enough."

draco huffed a laugh, "it did. and you can still hate me after this, but i truly am sorry. you didn't deserve what i said and did to you, and i can't imagine how you must feel."

silence enveloped between the both of you until he continued, "i heard what you said earlier, about your body."

your eyes had been closed, and you hummed, "not exactly a shocker."

"because of what i said? no, it's not, and i'm sorry again."

you held up a hand, looking at him, "draco."

draco looked you in the eyes, "y/n."

you gave a slight laugh, "it's okay, i forgive you."

draco nodded, "i'm sorry for making you feel so shitty about yourself. nobody deserves to feel that way, especially you, because you were nothing but kind to me and i treated you terribly."

you smiled softly at him, "you did, but you're apologizing now. my issues i can deal with on my own, but you took the time to apologize now so i'm grateful for that."

draco was stunned, a frown on his face, "how are you kind to me right now? i was terrible to you!"

you gave him side-eye, "i said terrible shit about you in my head, so i figured i should be nice."

the two of you laughed loudly at that comment, draco's eyes crinkling. as it died down, he rested a hand on the back of your head. he turned you towards him, "you're beautiful. truly stunning, y/n. i'm sorry i said those things about you."

you gave a small smile as tears welled in your eyes, "thank you draco, it's okay."

draco leaned back on his one hand, the other still in your hair, "can i help you in any way? to help you love yourself and your body?"

you were shocked to the core at his words this entire time, but now your eyes were just popping out of your head. you stumbled, "oh - no, no, i don't think so. it's just something i need to learn, y'know, to love my body. it's just...hard."

draco nodded and he smiled, "i have an idea."

your face drained of color, worried this might have been a joke all along. draco continued, "instead of insults, i'll give you compliments throughout the day. maybe that can help?"

this draco was so sweet compared to the old one; you suddenly had the urge to just grab his cheeks and go on about how sweet he was. this was such a turn of events.

"then," draco went on, "you wont want to be in a new body."

you smiled, "that sounds like a great idea, draco. thank you."

draco's cheeks flushed, "yeah, not a problem, it's whatever."

maybe during this new change in events, draco and yourself can figure out how to deal with the pounding in your chests.

[xx-midnight-candy-goblin-xx]

INTRO POST!! :D

[This will update over time]

Old blog: @midnight-candy-goblin (I can't access it anymore)

I'm taking drawing requests!! :)

The fandoms I'm in are;

TV show/movie/indie animation fandoms:

Helluva Boss

Hazbin Hotel

The Owl House

Heartstopper

The Amazing Digital Circus

Nimona

She Ra

Gravity Falls

Monkey Wrench

Death Note

The Hollow

RAMSHACKLE

Jurassic World Camp Cretaceous

Jurassic World Chaos Theory

The Music Freaks

Carmen Sandiego 2019

Wild Kratts

How to Train Your Dragon

Rise of the Guardians

Coraline

Octonauts

Book fandoms:

Wings of Fire

Nimona

The Land of Stories

The Hunger Games

Loveless

Solitaire

A Good Girl's Guide to Murder

Heartstopper

Coraline

The Reappearance of Rachel Price

Webcomic fandoms:

Jackson's Diary

Castle Swimmer

School Bus Graveyard

Heartstopper

High Class Homos

Love Me to Death

Spicy Mints

Verses:

Hellaverse

Osemanverse

I post my art sometimes and make my own posts, but I mostly reblog things

He/they/it, chaotic, INTP, therapist friend, bisexual, call me Goblin or Ado or Avocado (long story) (or any masculine name that starts with the letter A, really)

I live in Japan currently, but was raised in Washington State and Peru. I'm Peruvian-Japanese-American 🫡 Kuzco is my cousin btw (The Emporor's New Groove)

I speak English, Spanish, some German, and I'm learning Japanese. I also know Morse code ...././._../._../___ :)) (my Morse is a bit rusty though) I also know the runic alphabet and a code called Atbash.

Pfp art is NOT mine!!

Hola, me llamo Goblin. Hablo inglés, español, un poco de alemán y un poquitito de japonés.

Hallo, ich heiße Goblin, ich spreche Englisch, Spanisch, etwas Deutsch, und ein bisschen Japanisch.

私の名前はゴブリンです。 ごめんなさい英語を話せますか? (-_-;)

I'm a ✨minor✨

(but my doctor told me I have the maturity of a junior in college ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

If you ever want to talk about any of these fandoms 👏DON'T👏BE👏AFRAID👏TO👏ASK👏ME👏

I LOVE getting asks and messages, I want to get to know my mutuals and other followers better

Also if you have any recommendations (smth to watch/read) please tell me!! I won't get to it immediately, but (probably) at some point, so don't be afraid to recommend smth <3

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk :]

[Insta: xx_midnight_candy_goblin_xx

Pinterest (obviously I only post JD things, it has infested my mind): Ken Okamoto ]

I AM CRINGE BUT I AM FREE

Transphobes, racists, ableists, sexist, homophobes, pedophiles, zoophiles, DO NOT INTERACT.

Free Palestine. I will not be taking questions.

Time zones suck ass. Wdym you're eating lunch? It's midnight??

I am an atheist, but will say stuff like "Oh my god", "like god intended", "holy shit", etc

Yes, I write fics. No, I will not give you my ao3 acc. See if you can figure it out tho :)

I use Heelys still. Be more like me /hj

My favorite quote is "Suck it up, eat cookies." from my band teacher (9/9/22) However my head is FILLED with vine quotes

My art is (usually) tagged with #my art, my posts are tagged with #my post For reblogs regarding bigger fandoms, I probably won't tag them, but if it's a smaller fandom or something I want to find again then I usually will tag it properly

Rules for drawing requests: if you want something NSFW, it's an immediate no. However if it's something mildly explicit (some nudity, kissing, touching, etc) then ask through DMs. If it's something absolutely SFW then please use my asks! I'd like to make my art public. The drawing(s) most likely won't be fully finished drawings, but more like sketches or doodles. No OCs, only characters from the fandoms mentioned above. All drawing/sketches/doodles are COMPLETELY FREE!

I might take writing prompts soon, but we'll have to wait and see. . .

Thank you for reading!!

[dirtybitfic]

Therapy pt.1

matt sturniolo x y/n

Story contains- language, talking about sexual fantasies and issues, kinks, therapy session.

Pink-you purple- Leslie your best friend. blue -matt. orange the receptionist

story line- you start therapy to help with issues you had with partners in the past and not knowing how to fix them and feeling like your not finding people who match your wants and needs in the bedroom.

Y/n pov-

I just got ready to head to my first sex therapy session. I'm honestly mortified I even have to do this in the first place but Leslie my best friend said it would be helpful.

One week ago..

y/n I love you but you really need to go to someone professional about this

no absolutely not . im not going to a random person to try and figure out my sex issues .

I'm serious it can be really beneficial ! do you want to suffer for the rest of your life with partners who won't give you what you want or do you want to talk to a trained therapist who can help you find the right way to find what you want and why you want it

ughh I don't know I just don't like talking to people I don't know about shit like this .

I know it makes you anxious but some of your fantasies are a bit... extravagant and this therapist might be able to help you understand why you want things like that you know find out the underlying details you might not see for yourself

okay you have a point there.. okay maybe ill go once and if I like it ill stick with it if not then I won't go back

Yeah what's the worst that could happen

I blame you if it goes to shit

yeah yeah whatever your so dramatic

Present time

Im not gonna lie i'm so nervous about this whole thing. I never liked therapy in general . I only like talking about my life with people I trust so talking to a stranger about my sex problems sounds like hell.

Maybe Leslies right though this could end well and I might enjoy it but ... probably fucking not.

I just pulled up to the building and parked in the parking deck I was already 9 minutes late since parking in down town L.A is horrible so obviously thats not helping my anxiety at all.

I made my way to the lobby of the 26 story building and took the elevator up to the 20th floor.

walking out I noticed the seating area was very spacious but also dull.

all the furniture was black and white . Everything looked so clean and pristine I was almost scared to touch anything. As I walked up to the reception desk the young woman noticed me and smiled.

Hey you must be y/n . Your here for the 7:00 appointment right?

yes hi im so sorry im late parking was a mess

no worries matts last appointment is running a little behind anyways.Take a seat and ill let you know when to head back

okay thank you

I took a seat on one of the black couches and scrolled on my phone trying to busy my mind

After about 10 more minutes a couple walked out of the long hallway looking very pissed off and on edge .

I averted my attention back to my phone to avoid awkward eye contact.

Y/n Matt is ready for you if you'd like to head back

okay thank you

I make my way down the long hallway slowly still unsure of going through with this or not.

I reach the doors and softly push one open and walk in .

A man who im guessing is matt is sitting in a chair at a desk facing out to the windows so I can only see the back of his head.

I softly clear my throat.

hi Mr.sturniolo im y/n

he jolts in his chair

Oh hi im sorry your so quiet I didn't hear you come in he says as he spins around to face you and your breathe catches in your throat .

He is the most attractive man you've ever seen . Dark hair with bright blue eyes, nice stubble and tattoos adorned his left arm. Maybe this won't be so bad

I hold eye contact not saying anything but smiling awkwardly.

oh sorry please have a seat and we can get started

I take a seat in the chair opposite to him and softy set my phone on my lap and purse on the ground.

so y/n what made you choose to come see me

umm well it was a suggestion my beat friend made she said that it might help me work out some things that I might not be seeing for my self

okay well lets start off with your relationship backgrounds . How many relationships have you had and how long were they

well i've only had two real relationships. The first one was when I was a sophomore in high school it was about 6 months and my second one was my during summer going into sophomore year of college it was about 3 months.

okay ... why would you say the first relationship didn't work out?

Umm I don't know . He was pretty verbally abusive and made me feel bad about myself . He closed me off From my friends and threw temper tantrums in front of my parents which was very embarrassing but after a while I got fed up with the way he treated me even after I asked him to fix some things that I didn't like and he didn't so I broke up with him.

okay and how was the sexual relationship with him

I mean pretty good id say its one of the only reasons I stuck around for so long

okay so what made it good .?What are some things he did that you enjoyed?

well I don't know . He let me keep my shirt on so I liked that

he chuckled a little bit at your answer .

okay thats ... nice but name things he did that made you feel good . Did he talk you through it . touch you in a way that made you feel good ... things like that

yeah I mean he was my first everything . He would choke me which is something that I like ... he would give me hickeys in only places we could see which I thought was hot I guess. He would I guess praise me a little which made me feel good .

okay and did he ever prioritize your pleasure over his

n-no not really I mean he never made me cum

You were with him for 6 months and he didn't make you cum at all?

no I mean he would make me ummm you started to get nervous for some reason not wanting to say squirt.

So he made you squirt but never gave you a full orgasm

yeah

okay and what about the second relationship

well it was more of a glorified situationship but he was great until he wasn't . He treated me well always made me feel pretty and wanted. The sex was fucking amazing I mean he was the only man who ever gave me head and I used to hate the idea of having a man go down on me I still kinda do but he was so good at it . And he made me you know uh squirt a lot but again never made me orgasm or he'd have me right at the brink of orgasming and then he'd cum and that was it. But after 2 and a half months he got distant said he was going through a lot and pretty much ghosted me for 2 weeks so I broke it off and never spoke to him again.

okay and what are things he did during sex that you enjoyed.

well he would choke me and he'd degrade me which is something I love and he would slap me which I did have to ask him to do but he did it willingly and he would talk to me a lot during it which I liked especially when id be over stimulated and id be crying and he'd hold me closer but made me take it which I found really attractive . He also bit my shoulder sometimes which for some reason I liked . He also liked to leave hands prints on my ass which I loved too and I loved leaving scratch marks on his back and he also enjoyed it .

okay so what ive gathered so far is you like being choked , its easier for you squirt than it is to orgasm , you have a pain kink, you like receiving and leaving marks, you like impact play and with an educated guess your a submissive.

Y-yeah I mean you got all that from such little information...

well I mean it is my job y/n he smiles at you causing you to smile back .

That is true you say with a quite laugh

so what are somethings that you feel were missing from your past sexual partners or maybe somethings you wanted them to do but were too afraid to bring up

well I mean obviously Id like to find a man who Puts in the effort to make me cum . I also guess I wish id like my partners to be more vocal even if its just sounds I like to know im doing a good job and that I make them feel good. I also wish they would make me call them specific names... sometimes I don't find it hot to moan their names so I just don't . I also would like someone who fully dominates me you know bosses me around tells me exactly what to do and how to do it. I also wish that I could fully voice what I want but when I try I pussy out.

okay so obviously they haven't fully satisfied your wants and needs in the past. How do you usually feel after sex?

I guess used in a way . I haven't really had a guy yet who takes care of me after . They all have just gotten up threw me a towel to clean myself off and then I get dressed and leave.

so you crave the intimate parts as well as the sex. You want to feel taken care of after and not just like they got what they want and thats all

yeah exactly I mean thats why I haven't really had sex in a while I started to have a lot of mental challenges with myself and it created a lot of body image issues and I just got tired of feeling used

im sorry they made you feel that way. I think what a lot of guys fail to realize is girls minds are very different . They don't think the way they treat a girl after has that much effect but it does and ive seen through the years the toll that it can take on younger woman's minds that can even lead to eating disorders. Its very important to make woman feel loved and take care of even if the sex is rough and after they do something so small like running a bath to help you relax small things can really make a difference

exactly I want something like that but I feel like I always go for emotionally immature men who just see me as a piece off ass and get what they want then leave I just feel like its hard to find a man who will fit my every want and desire but I don't want to keep lowering my standards just so I can get fucked once and a while

You shouldn't have to lower your standards for that but it does sounds like being celibate isn't something you're happy about he says with a look on his face that you cant exactly read .

well no I mean I like having sex honestly sometimes I think I like it a bit too much . Im horny a lot and don't get me wrong toys are great but its never quite the same and having someone on top of me making me feel good

I understand what you mean . Don't take this the wrong way but do you think that you might be a sex addict

i... well maybe I don't know you say as your face gets red with embarrassment .

do you think that maybe looking into something like a bdsm club would be worth a try . Judging by the things you like that you've told me so far you need a dominant who not only wants to pleasure you but enjoys giving you everything you want

I don't know ive looked into it but they all seem weird and sketchy .

Well what is your dream man explain what he would look like what he would do to you that would meet your every deep desire

well I like a man who's taller than me who I can stand next to and feel small compared too but also feel protected by. I like a man who looks dark and mysterious kind of like if he walked into a room people would feel on edge and a bit scared. I like a man with dark hair and light eyes preferably with tattoos that has an energy to him that makes me feel slightly in danger even though im not. I want a man who asks me my kinks and fantasies and has no problem making them a reality .

And what is your darkest fantasy . one you've never told anybody he says leaning closer to you over the desk making your breathe hitch .

He narrows his eyes on you as he notices your breathing pattern changing and the way your thighs rub together as you squirm in your chair. With how attractive he is and the way he pins you down with his eye contact and all the sex talk it has you wet and horny.

I don't know if you really want to hear about that to be honest you'll probably think im crazy

I would never think that y/n you have to remember I hear about things like this on a day to day bases its nothing that I probably haven't heard before.

okay c-can I look in my notes app thats where I have them written in full detail

of course also lets move to the couch this seat gets uncomfortable after sitting in it all day

okay you say as you slowly get up making your way to the couch and taking a seat in the middle

he stands adjusting his pants and taking off his tie setting in on his chair as he unbuttons a couple of the top buttons of his dress shirt getting more comfortable since your his last client of the day.

he comes over and sits almost knee to knee with you causing your breathing to accelerate at the closeness between you both.

whenever your ready to share go ahead I promise this is a safe space I will not judge you

okay . Well my fantasy takes place in a grave yard...

okay scence set he says smiling over at you

well it starts off with me taking a walk in the grave yard kind of late and its dark and foggy as I make my way to the far back where there's tress and the larger graves I hear a branch snap like someone is watching me causing me to get nervous and a bit scared but I keep walking back further till I hit old decrepit stairs that lead into catacombs . As I make my way to the stairs I hear more branches snapping and look into the woods to see a man in a mask watching me as he slowly makes his way to me before I run down the stairs causing his to chase after me into the catacombs and before I can get father away he grabs me by my hair causing me to slam back into his big tall frame and fear to flood my body . Then he drags me into one of the open rooms with skulls adorning the walls and throws me on the ground ripping my clothes off and tying my hands behind my back so I cant move them or push him away as he slides into me roughly from the back and he fucks me so hard im crying and shaking under as he tells me how wet I am for him and how much of a good girl I am for letting him take me like this and makes beg him to let me cum so many times im crying and shaking . I also think it would be hot for him to create small cuts in my back with a knife every time I cum until they make up his initials in my back and he fills me to the brim with his cum.

you finally finish reading it and take a deep breathe even scared to look at him not wanting to see his face

y/n look at me

I cant

and why not he says in a deep raspy tone

because I just cant

he moves his hand to your back sliding up slowly until he reaches the back of your head tugging on your scalp causing you to gasp as he forces you too look at him.

I said I would not judge you and I meant that but when I tell you to look at me I expect you to treat me with respect and do as your told

y-yes mr sturniolo im sorry you wince when he lets go of the strong grip he had in your hair .

You were already wet from reading your dirtiest fantasy to him but then he did that and now you were a fucking water fall you could feel it seeping through your thong under your skirt.

you stare at him as he stares back as you with darkened eyes that have you melting into the couch feeling intimidated by the way he is looking at you so intensely.

there's a knock on the door causing you both to break out of the trance you were in and look over .

hey mr sturniolo I was just coming in to check if everything was okay its 20 minutes after my clock out time...

oh im so sorry Kayla you can head out we have some things to finish up on im sorry for holding you over

its okay see you Monday morning

she walks out leaving you and matt alone again.

if you need to go I understand I didn't realize we went over time

no its okay we still have some more stuff to talk about and to be honest I don't have anywhere to rush too

alright then what else do we have to talk about

what about this fantasy excites you the most

um I guess the fear of not knowing who's under the mask but also the fact they followed me I guess it makes me feel special and that he put in that much effort just to get me

Okay so fear turns you on?

I mean I guess but only in certain scenarios

okay so lets say you lived in a big house with a lot of land and you didn't have close neighbors and you had a stalker and he showed up every night watching you from far away . Is that something that would turn you on

yeah I mean the books I read have definitely tainted my mind but yes that would turn me on

what about having a stalker turns you on?

I guess the fact that they are so obsessed with me they feel the need to stalk and watch me

so you like the feeling of knowing someone is obsessed with you

yeah it would make me feel special I guess I don't know saying that out loud sounds concerning

no it doesn't I think you like attention you like knowing that someone is watching you and waiting to pounce on you when they want . You like thinking of someone taking you when they want and not having a say don't you

yeah I guess

so im guessing you also have a consensual non consensual kink ?

yeah you sigh . its kind of concerning how good he is at guessing your kinks and finding ways to get the information out of you without you having to just straight out say it. It honestly makes it less awkward .

so with the cnc kink what about it do you like?

I guess the fighting back I like to push buttons see how much of a fight I can put up until they finally brake and take their anger out on me

so your a brat?

excuse me you ask shocked at what he called you.

he laughs seeing you expression

y/n im not calling you a brat its a type of submissive trait you like getting a man annoyed at you so they punish you when they've had enough of your attitude

ohh yeah okay that makes more sense you say laughing softly to yourself

so you like being punished he says moving his leg closer to yours making them touch fully which has you pulsing around nothing. The way he speaks to you turns you on just the tones of his voice is deep yet soothing put there's also an underlying tones that makes it sounds like he's humiliating you with the words he speaks.

I mean I don't know ive never been punished a day in my life even as a kid I didn't get punished.

come here he says making you look at him confused

he softly grabs your arm then pulls you over his knees

w-what are you doing

don't worry this is strictly a lesson if you'd like me to stop I will but its easier to show you this way then explain with words

your breathing is loud at this point as your thighs squeeze together . the way he has you over his knees is doing something to you given the fact you know your ass is showing since your skirt is kind of short

are you okay with me showing you it will help you get an idea if being punished is something your into or not

you nod your head with cases him to jolt his knee up causing your body to bounce up and your skirt to ride up.

I need you to use your words y/n

y-yes this is okay I trust you

good now lets say I was your dominant okay. The thing I will be punishing you for is earlier can you tell me what that might be

ummm I don't know uh your voice coming out a little shaky. Your so turned on and you're sure if he looks down at any point he could see your soaked thong.

some on use your brain I know you'll figure it out he says as. you feel his hand on your back slowly rubbing small soothing circles

um when I didn't look at you after reading my fantasy

good girl thats exactly what I will punish you for and the punishment will be leaving my hand print on your ass would that be okay

y-yes

good now ill do 5 on each side okay if you want me to stop just tell me and I will okay

okay you say softly. The last thing you expected was for your first session to end with you over your therapists knee having a full demonstration of something you could be into.

his hand slides down your back to your ass as he rubs softly over your left cheek then his hand smacks down hard causing you to gasp.

thats one and I want you to count for me okay

y-yes sir

he groans causing you to blush and wait for the next smack

his hand comes down again making you squeak out Two

your doing good

after the last smack your breathing hard and your left cheek is stinging and pulsing in the spot he continuously hit.

his hand smacks down on your right cheek causing you to jolt forward .

fuck you gasp he hit harder than you expected.

you need me to stop

no im okay keep going

he finishes the last 4 and you're panting as your thighs are clenching together so hard you can feel the muscles straining. He helps you off his lap and you sit back down on the couch wincing in pain as your raw ass hits the surface.

he looks at you with dark blown out eyes with a slight smirk on his face.

well you obviously like being punished he says causing you to furrow your brows at him as you face got hotter.

oh yeah and how do you know that. you said in a snippy tone

because you clenched your thighs the entire time and ... I could see how soaked your thong was

your breathe hitched as you looked down at the ground trying to hide your embarrassment .

no need to be embarrassed . We did it to see if it was something you liked at it proved you did .

matt was about four years older than you making him 26 and you 22 which made this situation even hotter given the age gap.

yeah I know im just embarrassed I like it that much I guess

well I think we covered a good amount for out first session . When do you want to schedule your next meeting ?

do you have any openings on Tuesday ?

let me check he says getting up and going over to his desk to look at his computer .

he looked so hot leaning over his desk , his sleeves rolled up showing his toned forearms and his big veiny hands gripping the tables edge. God you wish you could have those hands around your neck. which makes you realize you forgot to mention one of your biggest kinks .

oh I did forget one kink that plays a roll in a lot

oh yeah and what is that he say still focusing on his computer

Hands you say biting your lip still looking at his hands.

he looks at you then notices you're looking at his hands causing his dick to stiffen even more in his pants. You hadn't noticed he had a hard on and he's glad about that. He's never had a client so close to his age that also fits everything he finds attractive . You're exactly the type of girl he's ever wanted , the perfect bratty submissive but he keeps it to himself knowing he's your therapist and he cant jeopardize your business relationship.

You snap out of it meeting his eyes as he's smirking at you causing your face to get red knowing he caught you looking at his hands.

I have two openings one in the afternoon for 1 pm or 7pm

can we do the 7 pm again

yeah of course ill put you in for 7pm

he finishes setting your appointment and starts grabbing his stuff you stand up off the couch and go to grab your phone where you had set it on his desk and grab your purse taking out your keys.

wait for me and ill walk you out its pretty late out you shouldn't be walking out of here on your own

okay thank you I mean you don't have to do that

no I insist he says before walking around his desk to you and leading you to the door.

he turns the lights off then locks his office doors then you both make your way down the hall to the sitting room area . He turns off all the overhead lights then meets you at the front entrance doors.

He locks those then you make your way to the elevators down to the parking deck.

so what did you think of your first session I know a lot of people don't like therapy

honestly I was really not excited but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be

im glad I wasn't that bad

me too honestly I was expecting an old man not ...you

ill take that as a good thing

oh yeah no sorry I didn't mean it in a bad way im really glad your young it made me a little less nervous

im glad and I hope it helped to talk through some stuff

it did I mean I usually don't talk about most of this sex stuff with people so it felt good to get some of it out

well then I guess the therapy is doing its job

yeah I guess so you say smiling over at him

which floor did you park on

im pretty sure eight

cool me too ill walk you to your car

oh no you don't have to do that don't you have like a girlfriend to get home to or something

no actually I don't I do have brothers that are waiting for me to get them dinner though

oh well don't let me take more of your time im sure I can safely make it to my car

come on were in down town LA there could be crack heads roaming around ill walk you they can wait

fine if you insist

you make it down to the 8th floor of the parking deck and start walking in the direction of where you parked

so do you live with your brothers

yeah im actually a triplet so you know were very close we haven't really felt the need to move into our own places

oh wow thats cool I have an older brother but were not super close I always wished id had a twin sister though

how old is your brother

oh hes 26

ahh the older brother dynamic I get it its kind of hard to have a close relationship when your 4 years apart

yeah we've gotten closer through the years but you know he's a guy im a girl its different

yeah I get that

okay well this is me you say pointing to your car

thank you for walking me

of course its no problem see you Tuesday

yep see you Tuesday goodnight mr.sturniolo

goodnight y/n and just so you know you can call me matt

okay well good night matt you say as you start to get in your car .

he starts walking the opposite way to where he's parked as you start your car up and head home .

... part 2 coming soon.

[ultralightpoe]

Vigilante Shit - Bucky Barnes

Authors Note: Never liked this one which is why it stayed in the drafts fr so long, it just always seemed empty. It's definitely missing something.

REQUESTS ARE OPEN

Word Count:9,131

Warnings: Cuss words, reader was once apart of the red room

Apart of my MIDNIGHTS EVENT.

Main Masterlist

Enjoy!

Draw the cat eye, sharp enough to kill a man

You did some bad things, but I'm the worst of them

Sometimes I wonder which one will be your last lie

They say looks can kill and I might try

I don't dress for women

I don't dress for men

Lately I've been dressing for revenge

-

It’s the pity on her face that makes you want to claw her eyes out, or maybe the happy family photo sitting on her desk staring and taunting you with their stupid smiling faces. Each of her children smiled like nothing was wrong in the world, like they didn’t have to worry about earning their way or surviving the day.

Dr. Aquinos children would never know pain.  

But that was a given, they weren’t bought and sold off. They weren’t tortured and abused for years only to be torn out when Natasha fucking Romanoff decides to free everyone from that chain and force them into the real world. 

Did it make you pathetic to say you missed it? 

In the red room you had a cot, a meal at least once a day and training. Out here you were no one. No trace of you existed. No ids, or photos, no friends or family. You were nothing. 

Even ghosts had more than you at this point. 

“You know it’s common to feel this way about it? That longing to have it back? It’s the pain and the change, you feel like you have nothing right now but I can assure you that’s not true.” 

You say nothing. 

“Have you given any thought to our last session?” The therapist asks, voice saccharine amount of sweet that tells you she knows your looking for a fight today and she won’t be giving into it. You hated that she knew you would try that, you hated these sessions all together. 

“Yes.” Lie. And judging by the quirk in her smile she knows it too. 

“I think it’s extremely important for you in this next step, to get rid of the suit. What was it they called you?” You don’t reply for a minute, your own little form of rebellion, but she doesn’t let you get away with it for long. “The…. Cobra?” 

“The. Viper.” You bite out, grinding your teeth together and fisting your hands at your side. “The Red Viper to be exact.” 

“Can you explain to me why it is you got that name? I mean your other counter parts all follow a …..widow theme….. but you don’t?” 

“It just….. happened that way.” You lie. “How much longer do we have?” 

Why did she not have a clock?

“Ah. So the story has something to do with Bucky Barnes.” She smiles and you fight back the sneer. 

“Nope.” 

“You always ask for the time when memories of him are brought up.” 

Not. True. You don’t bother arguing because that might prove her point. 

“Can you recall what he looked like?” 

A flash of ice blue crosses your mind, his eyes. Followed by roses and ballet slippers. A small opening to freedom right there in your grasp, his smiling face….. replaced by that of betrayal, the pain and torture you suffered for weeks after because he-

“No.” You lie. “I only knew him as the winter soldier.”

“Have you tried reaching out?” 

“No. And I never will.” Not until you were able to kill him, get your revenge. 

Your therapist didn’t know about your revenge list though,she would have you imprisoned for it. The list of names of every mastermind and agent that did you wrong, and at the very end of the list was the one person you actually managed to trick you, the one person you gave everything you had left to. 

Bucky Barnes would be the last person you killed in this life, and you would make sure to enjoy every second of it.  

-

It’s not everyday they pull you from your training program and load you into a transportation vehicle, and you don’t know whether to be scared or excited by the change in routine. 

You decide on excitement, because a widow is never. Ever. Scared. 

The keepers transporting you all avoid eye contact and you bite back the smirk, knowing that you installed that fear when you bit the thumb off the last guard that tried to touch you inappropriately. You might be hydras toy but you were not a plaything for these half wits. 

“Your mission will be in direct partnership with the Winter Soldat.” The agent in front of you explains, watching you load up your widow uniform with hidden weapons “there’s a list of names that needs to be taken care of, and it might take a minute so they are pairing you both. They want no mistakes, only the best.” 

“No traces no trails. No chances.” You answer, already having it memorized, biting down on your tongue when you remember the poor girl you left as a witness to your last mission. 

Hydra never found out, but her scared scream when she caught you killing her father will haunt you. 

You wondered if you might have had someone to scream over at one point. 

“He won’t speak to you so don’t bother.” The agent grunts as the vehicle comes to a stop and he slams his fist on the side to let them know it’s safe to open the doors. 

They all cast you another look as you try not to roll your eyes at the drama. If you truly wanted out of this vehicle you could slaughter them all, you just knew that hydra would track you down no matter what so what was the point?

They lead you down hundreds of gray halls, each getting darker than the last and the smell of mold and desperation heightened with each step. Finally at the very last cell door they all raise their weapons and slide it open, muttering something in Russian before a figure emerges. 

The glint of his arm catches on the shit light above you first, and then he is there, glowering and confused in the same go. 

“Soldat. This is the widow.” His mentor speaks in Russian, gesturing to you which makes the soldier give you one look. That’s it. One brief look of disdain and he goes back to looking at the mentor like you weren’t even there. 

This mission is going to go well. 

-

“You’re making progress Bucky.” Dr. Raynor hums, her eyes glinting as she watches him over the pad of paper she hasn’t scribbled on in the past hour. He likes to think that it’s a good sign, but he also tries not to get into his own head about it. “But I’d like to go a little deeper if you’ll let me.” 

“Don’t really have a choice doc.” He mutters, but his tone lacks the usual bite. 

“Funny. Have you slept in a bed recently?” 

“I’ve made it to at least 3 hours of sleep in my bed.” He nods, not mentioning he thought the laundry detergent smelled like your shampoo. 

“You bought any home decorations? Anything at all?” 

“There’s a welcome mat by the front door.” 

“Inside or outside?” 

“…..inside.” He wasn’t brave enough to put it out in the hall yet. 

“I just want a house that has a welcome mat and that cookie smell. Something to call home.” Those were your words, whispered to him the night before the soldier….. 

“Tell me what you have been up to lately.” 

“Lunches with Yori….missions with Sam…. And I’ve been…. Trying to find someone.” 

“Someone from your time as the soldier?” 

“Yes.” His throat is tight and he might throw up. 

“For revenge?” 

“No…. Well she might want revenge…… I just want her.” He admits. 

Dr. Raynors eyebrows shoot up, and she tries to keep neutral as she asks the next question. “The viper then?” 

“She didn’t like that name.” 

“How did she get it?” 

“Me.” 

“And what did you call her if she didn’t like the name?” 

“Flower.”

- 

I don't start it but I can tell you how it ends

Don't get sad, get even

So on the weekends

I don't dress for friends

Lately I've been dressing for revenge

- 

The roof of the bagel shop on the stupid block you were on was probably the worst spot to be. 

Best, if you’re focusing on the fact that it’s the perfect hideout for the sniper gun you are aiming and the fact that you’re able to lay at a slant so your legs don’t falls asleep while you focus. 

Terrible for the fact that you could smell the pizza shop next door perfectly, and your stomach was beginning to rumble in hunger. 

But you had to focus, your target was supposed to be in his apartment right now, Viktor Aubrel, the man that sold you in the first place. 

Your intel told you he should have been home an hour ago and yet you were still waiting in the winter air that sent a shiver up your spine, too focused on the aim to realize the two figures now on the roof. 

“Are the widows that oblivious now?” A deep voice laughs causing you to whirl, knife out as you spot none other than the winter soldier and the new captain america, both watching you. 

It was the captain that taunted you, a sneer making its way into your lips as you prepare yourself to launch. The winter soldier extends a hand out, blocking the captain with a skeptical look. 

“Sam. A little forewarning, she doesn’t fight like the others.” He mumbles and you all but hiss, not giving either of them a moment before you’re launching at them. 

They track your movements well, both standing to fight as you run across the roof, jumping up on the ledge to give you the upper advantage and launch yourself at them. Starting with the easier target, the man with the shield. Wrapping your arms around his neck and spinning your body until you have his weight thrown in the air. He manages to catch himself standing but you’re ahead of the game, jumping so your feet are planted on his chest and shoving him off the roof right as the winter soldier gets to you.  

“I don’t want to do this.” He mutters and you hiss again, lunging with a knife out, slashing expertly over and over as he dodges as much as he can. “You don’t need to do this.” 

The knife catches in the elbow of his metal arm and his flesh hand comes up to grab your wrist so you twist, kicking his knee down and flick another knife from your uniform. 

“I want to.” You mutter in Russian, voice dripping with disdain as you raise the knife and bring it down. Only to get blasted across the roof. 

The air leaves your lungs as you skid across the concrete of the roof, splayed out staring at the sky and blinking away the pain. 

“She’s quicker than the rest.” Captain America huffs, helping the soldier up. 

“A lethal experiment. Taking a trained widow and injecting her with mutated blood of some guy named Logan Howlett.”

“Where does the viper come from?” 

“Her knives are all laced with venom and poisons. One touch to your skin and it doesn’t matter if it was a fatal wound or not. You’re out.” You hear them both approach, pretending to be passed out before they get close enough and you can kick the soldier in the stomach. He catches your foot, twisting so your body would have to twist with it or break, but you’re already pulling out a knife and launching it at the other. 

A shout of warning leaves the soldier's lips as the knife nearly gets his partner's thigh, you take this weakness and twist until you are wrapped around him and launching you both across the roof. But he is already working his way out, twisting so you slam into the roof once more, his metal arm on your throat holding you down as you claw at it. 

Panic attacks your body, scratching at the metal as the captain comes into view. 

“Stop. We can help you.” The man sighs. 

“Y/n.” The soldier mumbles, eyes pleading. “Let us help-“ 

Your foot bends to smash into his jaw and send him sprawling back. 

“That’s. Not. My. Name.” Your voice is scratchy from the choking and it hurts to talk, but you don’t have time since you’re already dashing to clear the roof. 

But the captain throws his shield and hits your ankle sending you falling until Bucky catches you and twists you with his metal arm so your back was to his chest and he can hold you. 

“It is. You told me so yourself. Remember?” 

“I wanna see my life before all this. I want to see my family and tell them I’m alive. My name was y/n. I found my file and I just-“ 

You were disgusted that you ever told him such things. 

“LET GO!” 

“We can help with your list.” It’s the caption saying this, his face holding pity. “We can’t kill but we can help take them down. If you’re willing.” 

“They all deserve to die!” The one holding you counted in that. 

“I’m not arguing that. But I am setting boundaries. Justice by more death is not the way to do this.” The man tries to ease, attempting a smile. “I’m Sam. You already know Buck-“ 

“Let me go!” 

“We’re proposing a partnership. We help you take them down, get them arrested and you don’t kill any of them.” 

“Right. And I get thrown in a cell right after I’m assuming.” You sneer, trying not to focus on the scent of hazel and coffee coating your senses from the soldier. 

“You will be pardoned. You had no choice back then and we are giving you one now. Pardoned.” 

“And what do you mean by taking them down?” What choice did you have? 

- 

It had been a week with the soldier when he finally showed a small amount of emotion. Insane. 

You had been huddled in the corner of the abandoned hotel you made camp in, keeping close to yourself for warmth as he pretended to sleep by the wall. You knew he wasn’t actually asleep, not trusting enough to do so. And you don’t know when he does get sleep, all you know is you fight to the last possible moment your eyelids can stay open and you don’t sleep long. 

The exhaustion and the cold were beginning to wear you down, a week in and you had yet to kill a single person on this list because the Soldat refused to listen to how you can manage it. With him it’s all silent and watching, your missions were usually more lively. You wore disguises and set traps. Hydra liked sending messages and it’s what you did. 

They want a quick and efficient widow? They send Belova. They want a widow that draws attention to their dangers? A prize possession? They send you. 

Which is why this entire mission is so weird. Why send you if- before you can finish your thought you are being pelted with a warm jacket, the Soldat glaring at you. 

“Your teeth chattering is keeping me up.” He mutters in Russian, sitting up and checking all his weapons. 

“As if you sleep.” You reply back in Russian, rolling your eyes. His eyes flick to you in surprise for just a second before he trains them again, watching the window in the opposite corner. “What’s your name?” 

“Soldat.” 

“What’s your real name?” 

“I….. should the viper be asking questions?” He snaps, glaring once more before you roll your eyes and stand up. He watches your every move as you toss his jacket back and cross the room. “Where are you going?” 

“To be a viper.” You sneer back, enjoying the way the Russian makes the words bite out more. 

He stands up quickly when you move to climb out the window but you send him a glare and descend quickly, making sure he does not follow. 

When you get back three hours later, he is standing in the center of the room with his arms crossed and a glare on his features. 

You simply walk past him to grab your list, crossing off the first name. “Can we get an actual hotel this time? I need to shower some of this blood off.” 

As you move to walk past him his arm shoots out to grab you, pain erupting as he bends your neck to look at him. You would allow this, because is his anger is on you then he won’t look into the 2 little children you helped vanish tonight after you killed their father. 

“You do not make moves without me. Understood?” 

“Yes Soldat.” You try to nod before he lets go. 

“Viper.” He hisses. And you would allow it, because if anyone knew what you had done you would be killed. 

-

The three of you ended up in a warehouse not too far away from the roof you had been scouting on, bucky carrying your bag of weapons on his shoulder as he tried not to look at you while Sam paced back and forth. 

You sat on a fallen beam, seeming bored and uninterested as you picked at your nails. But Bucky knew that was your game, to let the world think you were a valid assassin with little to no care. 

But he knew you cared, he knew how much effort you had put into saving kids back then. You had always been so warm without even realizing it. 

But maybe that all changed, after it….. all happened he hadn’t heard about you again and after he was freed by Steve he couldn't seem to find any of the children you had saved. 

“What happened to them?” He finds himself asking, his chest pinching at the sight of you. His flower. But that look in your eyes, the betrayal and anger….. 

“The first three on my list? I dumped their bodies in the river.” You smile, turning your glare to Sam. “How about that pardon now?”

“The kids. The ones that you-“ you stand before he can finish his sentence , both him and Sam preparing for a fight as you seem to try and ease yourself. 

“What kids?” Sam snaps, anger and protectiveness rolling off of him. “Did you hurt-“ 

“No. She used to smuggle them out.” Bucky explains. “When she got missions if there was a kid in the family she would pretend to kill them, and help the kid out.” 

“I thought hydra confirmed kills by bodies.” 

“Not when you’re the best.” You smile, that vapid venomous smile that made Bucky's stomach churn. “And Soldat is right. I used to smuggle the kids out.” 

His chest hurts at the name you use, but he assumes that it’s fair. “Where are they now?” 

He wants you to look at him, to tell him they are all safe and that he didn’t ruin everything. But you keep your eyes trained away, pain flashing through your features as you explain. “After you…. Told them….. they got the names and locations from me and sent out the shadow widow.” 

“Kaltain Amerie.” Sam nods, recognizing the name. She was married to a fancy rich guy now, had been the one Yelena found. 

“She took care of what I couldn’t. She did the job.” You nod, hands fisting at your sides as the words clang into Bucky. “And I was punished for my failure.” 

“And the missions you got after they caught you?” Sam asks, casting a brief look to bucky at the word caught. 

“I had a partner, and they always made sure I did my job.” Fuck. 

He was going to puke, how many kids had….. 

“You mentioned an alliance. Not an interrogation.” You snap, obviously uncomfortable. “And if you want to revoke my pardon because of-“ 

“I don’t.” Sam says gently, nodding. “And I’m sorry that it happened.” 

“I’m not.” It was a lie and Bucky could taste it. Anything to keep both of them away, that wall you built up when he first met you. 

“Okay. The name on your list. Let’s talk about how to get him.” Bucky changes direction, wanting to get you to ease again, not liking the pain in your eyes. 

You continue to avoid looking in his direction, and he continues to stare at only you. 

- 

She needed cold hard proof so I gave her some

She had the envelope, where you think she got it from?

Now she gets the house, gets the kids, gets the pride

Picture me thick as thieves with your ex-wife

And she looks so pretty

Driving in your Benz

Lately she's been dressing for revenge

-

It’s a month into the mission when the Soldat tells you his name. 

Gone were the days of sleeping on opposite sides of the room, now you both shared a bed. Gone were the days of him not sleeping, and he was now the one that fell asleep first. 

Tonight being one of those nights, with you sitting against the headboard of the hotel bed, his forehead pressed into your thigh as he falls asleep slowly, letting you play with his hair as you review footage of your next name. The third on the list. 

“My name….” He mutters, this time in English which still shocks you everytime he does. “It’s Bucky.” 

“Bucky?” It tastes like vanilla on your tongue, your chest lightening as you whisper it a couple more times. “I like it.” 

“What’s yours?” 

“My file…. My file says Y/n.” You whisper back and he tilts his head up to look at you. 

“You don’t seem to like it.” 

“I….. it just doesn’t feel real.” You admit. “It feels wrong for me to use it.” 

“I think it’s a wonderful name. It suits you well but… I think you’re my flower.” He murmurs back, moving to press his forehead into your thigh once more and finally lets sleep claim him. 

The next morning you both work in tandem, cleaning weapons, he gives you time to make sure that your knives are still potent with venom as you try to come up with a plan to get the 5 year old girl out of the country without the soldier knowing. 

But the betrayal of it hurts your chest, watching him work around you as a smooth unit. A team. That’s what you had become. 

“Ready?” He asks in Russian, coming up to fix the hair that had fallen out of your braid, using his flesh hand to push it behind your ear as his thumb traces your jaw. 

“Always. You?” 

“With you my little flower? Always.” 

-

It was ironic the way you and the Soldat still worked in tandem, moving with an effortless grace. 

Sam, the captain, watches with wide eyes as you both move around each other. 

“Do we have-“ 

“Yes we have enough intel.” You snap, closing the camera footage the second you spot the young boy running down the hall of the mansion when both him and his mom get home. The pain in your chest could be blamed on the image, and or the stupid soldier standing too close to you. “I can smell your breath.” 

“He ate a cheeseburger for lunch again?” Sam chuckles and you stand straight, giving him wide eyes as the Soldat rolls his own. “You know you can’t get in trouble for calling him an idiot, right?” 

“I’m aware.” Your words come out clipped and you try not to shudder at the way Sam snickers, catching your lie. 

“Say it.” 

“Say what?”

“Call Barnes a dumbass.” 

“I won’t speak to the Soldat.” You reply, moving to clean your knives. 

“Oh come on. Try it. It helps me..” sam laughs, sitting across from you at the kitchen counter as the Soldat shuffles closer to help you clean the knives. You could feel the warmth radiating off of him. 

“You….. are a dumbass.” You squeak out, not looking at him. You hear him snort behind you and he reaches across to grab another knife. You roll your eyes at the way he presses his body next to yours. 

“That was lame. Try again.” Sam laughs. 

“Fine. You’re a DUMBASS!” You snap out, watching both their eyes widen before laughs break out and they start cracking up. 

You feel your stiff spine loosen a little, the anxiety easing as you start laughing as well, all three of you cackling. His flesh hand finds its way to your lower back to keep you stable as you both drop the knives to laugh. And finally, after three weeks of working with them you drop the angry front, and give in to their warmth even though everything in you screams to not fall for it. 

-

“Is this….. proper mission food?” You ask from the spot you had taken at the window, watching Bucky and Sam come in with pizza boxes and beer in their hands, both laughing at each other . 

Bucky had, sort of tripped up on the stairs which sent Sam in a spiral of making fun of him, but the second they laid eyes on you that humor fell out the window, both going quiet. 

“You don’t think pizza and beer are good?” Sam asks, offended. “This is the best combo.” 

“Is it…. Allowed?” You ask again and Bucky feels that pang in his chest before he passes the box to you and opens it smoothly. 

“You get the first slice pick.” He offers and Sam gasps at the counter. 

“That….. oh that’s just cruel to me.” 

“It’s an honor to pick the first slice then?” You quirk your eyebrow, humor written on your face, the spark in your eyes setting him on fire. “This is a New York custom?”

“Oh indeed.” He smiles, pushing the box closer to you. “It would be a great dishonor to refuse this.”

There is a second of discomfort, he watches you contemplate it before you reach for a slice, grabbing the largest slice and raising your eyebrows as you wait to see their reactions. 

“Perfect choice!” Sam grunts, reaching around you to grab another slice. 

“I was going to choose that one.” Bucky smiles, watching you bite it immediately then stick out your tongue at him before taking up a spot on the couch as both of them find their own seats in the living room. You seem tense still, obviously not used to this sort of freedom anymore and his lungs constrict at the thought that this was caused by him. 

Back then you had been so… warm and open. Even as an agent you melted the ice exterior the soldier had around him. And through the muddled haze of his memory every memory attached to you was always crystal clear, like a flame in the fog. 

“So…. you guys knew each other back when he was the Winter Soldier?” Sam asks, popping the lid off of a beer with ease, he leans forward on his knees and pretends to be more interested in the pizza box. Making it seem like he was an open book, a comforting thing. 

“Yeah, we had a long list of enemies that they wanted us to deal with.” You answer, looking to the window rather than either of them. 

“It seems like it went wrong…” 

“It went fine.” Bucky is quick to snap. 

“It was fine. We made it through half the list, before Hydra had to get involved.” You snap as well moving to set the rest of your slice on the plate left on the table for you. “I made a mistake.”

“It wasn’t-” Bucky goes to argue, chest tight.

“I let emotions muddle my task.” You explain to Sam. “I got too attached and ruined it. And then I got caught smuggling the kids out- I was further reported for my behavior and handled accordingly.”

“Hey, this isn’t Hydra.” Sam tries to ease you. “I think what you did was very noble and-”

“All I did was give kids hope where it didn’t belong.” You sneer. “I will never allow myself that weakness again.” 

You cast Bucky a glare, his palms sweating and chest blistering as he watches you disappear into the bathroom and the shower running a second later. 

Sam continues watching Bucky, eyebrows pinched together. “You reported it?”

“I… as much as I broke away at that time I was still under the soldiers spell.” Bucky admits, gulping down half the beer in his hand. “I…. I had sent in a mission report. Well I had to send it in and I had caught her plan a little bit before that.”

“I’m sorry that happened, Buck.”

“I am too.” He sighs. “I got rewarded and she… well they broke her.”

- 

She don't start it, but she can tell you how it ends

Don't get sad, get even

So on the weekends

She don't dress for friends

Lately she's been dressing for revenge

- 

“You need to be careful in the upper levels.” He warns, keeping his flesh hand on the small of your back as you both move to start scaling the side of the house. 

“I know.” You growl out, keeping your voice low as his eyebrows pinch in frustration. “Don’t be a worry wart.”

“Stick to my side.”

“The job is quicker if I take care of the kids.” You mumble, leaning up to kiss his cheek lightly, the closest you had ever gotten to actually kissing him, no matter how much you wanted to. Three months with him and you were hopelessly in love. 

“Fine.” He grunts out, his Russian sharp. He nods once before moving to his starting point, checking that you had begun scaling the wall to the kids room before heading in to handle the parents. But you had been so caught up in Bucky that you didn’t check to make sure both the children were asleep. 

The girl screamed first, followed by the boy and you began rushing to ease their worries, kneeling by them and trying to swipe the tears away. “No no. Easy my little ones. It’s okay. I just need you to listen-”

But the boy screams again, this time at something behind you which makes you whirl to find Bucky in the frame of the door, watching intently with blood on his arm. 

“No! Please!” You beg, up on your feet and shoving yourself in front of the children as he cocks his head to the side. “Please.”

“Move.” He orders, raising his gun. It seems he’s already assessed the weakness and was willing to handle the problem. “Now.”

“No!” You hadn’t even realized that tears were falling down your face until you could taste the salt, moving forward to grab his gun. “Please!”

“The mission-”

“They are children.” Both of you were speaking Russian, which seemed to be scaring the kids even more as they wailed, and you turned to ease them again. They dash into your arms, holding you tight as they sob. You would die before letting anything happen to them. 

When you turn to see him again you see that he has lowered the gun and is merely staring at you, something sparking in his eyes. 

You wait for the blow, but it never comes. Instead he nods his head and moves to pick up the boy. He helps you get them out, aboard a ship and hidden from Hydra. When you make it back to the hotel you pace a bit, waiting for him to finish you off. 

But he merely stands in the center of the room, watching you closely. 

“I’m sorry.” You sob, hand on your chest as you turn to him finally. “I failed the mission and-”

He moves forward in three easy strides, his hands grasping your jaw to bring you up into a searing kiss, arms wrapping around you tightly as he lifts you off the ground to keep you close. And all anxieties peel away, as he lifts his hand to undo your suit. Giving yourself to the soldier that night, and once you were done you stay huddled together, whispering your dreams of the past and future. 

And for once you felt like…. You were home. 

- 

The next morning tensions were gone, and you seemed to have forgotten about the night before. Or at least you were pretending to, and Bucky didn’t know if he should be happy or angry at the fact. 

You had combed through all the footage of the target, piling it all into a folder and he had sent the flash drive to the people needed that would be able to get him arrested. And after that had been sent you had sent out another envelope to his wife, with proof of an affair so she would be able to divorce him. 

And just like that another name was taken off your list, and Bucky tried not to feel the pressure at the fact that he was sure you would be gone the second the list was done. And he wouldn’t have an excuse to see you anymore. 

He’s lucky Sam went along with this plan in the first place. 

“Where is Sam?” You ask from your spot at the counter, legs crossed as you play with one of your knives, watching him closely where he sits on the couch. 

“He went to go check on his sister and her kids.” He answers, looking up to you. “They are really close.”

“That’s nice.” You hum, dropping the knife out of boredom. “What comes next?”

“You got another name?”

“Are we allowed to start without Sam?” You ask, eyebrows pinching together. 

“Yes. We can. Your list?” 

“Front pocket of my duffel.” You hum out, something having caught your attention. He reaches for the bag and checks for the list as you shuffle closer to his open laptop. For a second he hears you hesitate, but he had already made it clear that you had access to anything so he nods and lets you look as he finds the paper you wrote the list on. 

His eyes skim across the names, landing on the very last name as his heart stops. ‘Bucky Barnes’ , and no matter how many times you blink the name does not disappear. Why did you let him see this? Was this a trap set?

He whirls, only to find you staring at the screen unblinking. “Flower?”

Your head snaps to glare at him as he shuffles closer, shoving your list in his pocket and looking at what had caught your attention. He finds an old sitcom, a scene with a mother curled up with her kids and reading them a bedtime story. 

“You never told me why.” He mutters, sitting on the couch with you on the floor staring at the screen again. 

“Why what?”

“Why did you risk your life for all those kids?”

“Because they… because no one fought for me back then.” You admit, turning to look at him. “What is this show?”

“Full house. I don’t know, Steve put it on my list.”

“Your list?” You ask and he nods. 

“Things to catch up on.” He smiles. “Like the star wars series.”

“The what?” He blinks slowly at your question, purely shocked.  

- 

Three hours later you are both sprawled out on the couch, pillows and blankets thrown about with snacks everywhere. Bucky had dragged you out to the store, buying tons of snacks that you had never tried before and before you knew it the apartment cupboards were packed with snacks and you were preparing to see the first star wars. 

“Should we… have brought all this to the mission base?”

“The what?” He laughs, leaning forward to snatch a gummy worm from the bag you were holding. 

“The… this apartment. Are we allowed to use it for this?”

“It’s my apartment.” He shrugs, and you blink slowly. 

“It’s empty though.” 

“I have a couch!” He scoffs. “And a tv!”

“No bed, no plushy towels or…. This is your home?” You didn’t know why this upset you. “You live like this?”

You want to kill him. You want to kill him. Why does this matter?

“I have a welcome mat.” He points to the door. 

“That’s an ugly welcome mat.” 

“Is not.”

“That would scare away any child on halloween.” You snap. “Are you trying to ruin their halloween?” 

“No one really comes up here on halloween.” He shrugs again. “Why does it matter?”

“You… you’ve been free! You have been free this whole time and this is how you live and- I…..”

“I had other things to worry about besides Hydra. And John Walker. Tony Stark and the snap and- well I was trying to find you.” He admits. 

“You were trying to find me?” Your chest constricts, as you watch him. “You tried to find me?”

“I did but after I was freed it was like they made you completely disappear and I’m assuming it’s because they knew I would start looki-” Before he can finish his sentence his phone rings and he sees Sams name, giving you an apologetic look before picking it up. You take a moment to try and fix yourself, taking deep breaths in. “He WHAT?”

This catches your attention, sitting up to watch him carefully as he stands. “I’ll be right there.”

He hangs up and nods. “I gotta go help Sam. Stay here and-”

“I’m coming with you.” You snap, moving to grab your duffel.

“No, we have a situation with John Walker and I need to-”

“I am coming.” And just like that you grab your suit, giving him your best glare as he shakes his head. “You both are helping me. The least I can do is help you.”

“You don’t have to.” He mumbles. 

“But I will. Let’s go.”

- 

Ladies always rise above

Ladies know what people want

Someone sweet and kind and fun

The lady simply had enough

- 

“Thank you.” You whisper, keeping your head on his chest as you trace patterns along his skin. “Thank you for helping.”

“If you got away what would you do?”

“Me? I….. I would find the kids and make sure they made it. I would buy a house and get a cheesy welcome mat for it. I would decorate for halloween and….. And I would adopt a kid and-” You could taste the freedom, imagine it right there. A happy life. 

“That sounds… amazing, flower.” 

You lift your head, smiling softly as you lean up to kiss him, and he smiles back before moving to kiss you back. 

You feel him stiffen before sitting up quickly and reaching for his knife. “Bucky?”

“I’m sorry.” He mumbles. “I’m so sorry.”

Before you can realize the door is blown open and agents rush in to grab you. 

- 

“Oh…. oh I like this duo.” John Walker smiles, watching you stand slightly behind Bucky with your arms crossed. He doesn’t say a word and neither do you, both giving him a good glare. The Winter Soldier and The Viper. “I hadn’t realized that Bucko boy came with his very own sidekick.”

“этот идиот знает, что от него пахнет рыбой?” (does this imbecile know he smells of fish?) You ask, sneering a bit and taking a step closer to Bucky. “и так небрежно использовать свое имя. Я могу сломать этого человека за считанные минуты.” (and to use your first name so casually. I can break this man within minutes.)

“Я с нетерпением жду этого. Еще я очень голоден, мармеладных червячков мне не хватило, чтобы поесть..” (I look forward to it. I'm also very hungry, gummy worms were not a sufficient meal)

You nod, trying not to smile as he gives you a look over his shoulder while Walker shuffles uncomfortably on his feet. “Shouldn’t we all speak english?”

“Maybe.” Sam shrugs. “But I find it’s easier to let these two do their thing. You said something about a raid?”

“There is a train heading down south here in 30 minutes and I know for a fact that there are rebels planning on stealing what’s on it.”

“What’s so important about what’s on the train?” Bucky asks, casting a look towards you and you see him catalog each and every one of your weapons just as he always used to do as the soldat. You give him a glare and he shrugs. 

“Weapons.” John mutters. “And if we can intercept the rebels then-”

“You get your job back?” Sam snides.  John stutters for a second and you snort, enjoying the panic on his face. He glares at you, preparing to say something as you step forward to grab one of your knives. You had no clue who this man was but it was easy to know that he was not an ally. 

“Get your-”

“She’s not a dog.” Sam snaps, as Bucky sneers. “We’ll help, but on our terms. No one gets hurt and no one gets pummeled without cause.”

“Fine. Let’s see what you guys can do.” John sneers at you both, and Bucky sends you an easy smile over his shoulder as you smile back. 

“Устроить им ад?” (Give them hell?) 

“следую твоему примеру, Барнс.” (Following your lead, Barnes) You smile back, both of you swiveling to Sam and moving together. 

- 

You stand with him on a bridge, keeping a hand on his arm to stabilize yourself as you keep an eye on the ledge, fixing the comm in your ear with your other hand as he does the same. 

“I….. I never wanted to betray you.” He blurts, as John tries to convince Sam to give him one of their comms, his argument of ‘I’m part of the team!’ almost making you snort. But Bucky’s words kept your attention as you tried to play it cool. Keeping your eyes trained on the bridge before you. 

“Is this a good time to talk about this?” You mutter in Russian, just in case Walker could hear you both like you could hear him. 

“It was the status report. They were making me do it every month and….. I fought it. I really tried to fight it.” He admits in russian, casting a look to Walker before turning back to you, his hand shooting out to wrap around your arm as you lean to prepare a landing. “Careful.”

“I thought…. You were…. Nevermind it was my mistake.”

“It wasn’t a mistake.” He snaps, pulling you closer. “It… It was everything to me.”

“I shouldn’t have. I should have kept my eyes on the mission and I ruined it and I ruined it for those kids. You were a weapon dangled before me, they knew I would fall for it. They knew I would fall for the freedom of it. And I’m sure they already knew that I was helping those kids and they just needed to prove-” The words are spilling out and you just can’t seem to stop them, tears beginning to fill your eyes. “I just wanted… I just wanted to help them.”

“You did.” He mumbles, moving until his chest is pressed to your shoulder. “Please look at me.” 

“I messed it all up.”

“You didn’t mess anything up-”

“I did. I fell in love.” You finally look at him, tears in your eyes as he takes a deep breath in. 

“I-”

“Incoming.” It’s Sam's voice in the comms that makes you both jump before you look to see the train coming. 

“On it.” You mumble back in english, stabbing a knife into the brick beneath you as Bucky keeps a hold on your arm. 

“Be careful, we’ll be right behind. Keep a knife ready and-”

“I’ve got it.” You laugh, watching the train get closer and closer. 

“I just worry.” He admits, leaning forward to kiss your cheek softly. “And just so we are clear, I fell in love too.”

You try not to smile, giving him one last look before using the chord and launching down as you hear Sam count down in the comms, feet landing on the top of the train with a thud before you dive for the top grate and begin working on tearing it off. 

You manage to tear it off in time to duck and lay flat as a sign under the bridge appears, managing to avoid it before crouching and climbing in as the train breaks from the bridge, three heavy sets of footprints hit the top of it while you climb across boxes to get to the end of the cart. 

“Viper?!” Walker calls, landing in the crate followed by Bucky and Sam. You don’t bother answering, too busy trying to lift the shaft on the cart. 

“You good?” Sam asks, coming to your side. 

“I’m fine.” You mumble. “I can handle the mission sir-”

“Did you just sir me?” Sam laughs, leaning to help you with the shaft, letting the sunlight break in as the wind snaps in both your faces. 

“You guys see anything?” John yells across the way as Bucky hops over a box and reaches you both. 

You have just enough time to turn, ready to bite a response to Walker when you spot the bomb taped to the far wall. Your mouth opens in an attempt to yell a warning but it’s too late. It all blasts to shit. 

- 

There was nothing but pain as you hung suspended in the cell, the Shadow Widow sneering at you from her spot in the corner while Valkov took a break from torturing you. Your breathing is ragged, blood falling out of your mouth with the saliva as your eyes water. 

You can no longer feel your legs, and your fingernails had been torn out first. Sobs racking through your body as he asks the question again, his russian loud. 

“WHERE ARE THE LOOSE ENDS?!!”

You couldn’t betray the kids, you couldn’t do it. So when he picked up the drill you closed your eyes, sobbing once more as you try to blink Buckys face out of your memory, succumbing to your punishment. 

- 

Heat blasts against his back as you scream out, Sam yelling loudly, all three of you grasping anything you can as the train keeps going. 

Bucky’s metal arm finds purchase on a broken handle of the train, trying to pull himself up as Sam grips the side grates of the train trying to activate his falcon wings while you struggle to keep hold of what is left of the floorboard in the train car, nails scraping as you grimace in pain while your legs stay suspended in the air. 

“HOLD ON!” He calls, reaching his flesh hand for you before the metal of the door groans and he has to freeze. 

Walker appears, bleeding from his ears and looking frazzled as hell, but Bucky breathes out a sigh of relief when he sees the idiot reach to help you. Hope that you would make it out of this mess, that is until John stumbles as he reaches for your hand and ends up making you lose your holding. 

You scream out, nails scraping as you slide out, nearly all your body suspended in the air. Both Bucky and Sam scream, reaching for you before they realize they can’t. 

“When does this fucking bridge end?” Bucky snaps, looking down to the hundreds of feet below, memories flashing in his mind. 

“Language.” Sam grunts, exhaling in relief when he sees you manage to grab the final woodboard, your last chance at holding on. 

“Complete the mission.” You snap. “I can get up.”

“We don’t leave each other behind.” Bucky grunts, using his flesh hand to reach for a rope connected to the roof of the train car. 

“Hydra tells us we need to complete the missi-”

“This isn’t Hydra and I’m not leaving my girl on this train.” Bucky snaps and Sam whoops out a loud ‘fuck hydra’ as they both struggle to get to the main opening. 

There are thuds on top of the train and you risk a look to see multiple hooded figures with bags getting ready to ransack the weapons. A grunt of anger passes through you as let one hand free from the board, much to Bucky's chagrin as he yells out for you before you reach and grab your compact launcher you had hidden in the belt of your suit and shoot the roof with the grappling hook, pulling yourself up right in time for Walker to fall back into the car. 

“This manchild is useless.” You sneer, reaching for Bucky immediately, hands grasping his tactical vest and dragging him as much as you can into the train car as Sam struggles to get in as well. 

“There are about 15 figures. We should have about 10 minutes before they blow the rest of this train up.” You explain, keeping your hands on his shoulders as you assess him. “Are you hurt?”

“No I’m-”

“I’m hurt!” Walker calls, making you hiss an unappealing word at him in russian before moving to look at Sam. 

“Do you want the viper or me on this mission?”

“Viper would be nice.” Sam nods, looking at all the weapons. “Viper for sure.”

You nod, turning to assess Bucky one more time before he nods at you and you both begin working.   

- 

While he was doing lines

And crossing all of mine

Someone told his white collar crimes to the FBI

And I don't dress for villains

Or for innocents

I'm on my vigilante shh again

- 

You both work in tandem, every punch he throws shoves the person straight into your kick. You slash your knife at anyone that gets too close to him, slicing their skin easily as he snipes out anyone rushing to the train. 

Sam is finding the rest of the bombs, disarming them to the best of his ability. 

You hiss in pain when you get hit in the jaw, but Bucky is there smashing the butt of his gun to the back of their head as you blink away the tears. His hand finds your jaw, assessing the damage before turning and nodding to the path you guys need. 

“So…. what’s the plan after this?” He asks, huffing as he gets to the slate you had originally been planning on clearing. 

“After this? Probably dinner.” You laugh, bending to break the controls. He adjusts himself so you were back to back, him watching to make sure you were good. 

“I mean…. After this mission.” 

“I….. I want to finish the list.” You answer, tearing out a board to access the rest of the control panel. 

“Does that list still include me?” He blurts, making you freeze. When you don’t answer he looks down to see you already staring up at him with wide eyes. 

“You saw that?”

“On your list. Highlighted and everything.” He nods, snapping his attention to a thud across the way, finding it empty. It was enough to get you back to work, focusing on the wires and buttons again. “I would understand if you wanted to-”

“I don’t anymore.” You snap. “I don’t think I ever would have been able to but it’s not like I planned to make it far after I got out. I didn’t have a plan. Everyone else had a plan and I was left! I was tortured and maimed for wanting that freedom, and when the time came I was the only one that had nothing to live for.” 

You were seething, and he could only agree. He hated the other widows for what they did to you, that would never be forgiven. 

“I wanted a family. That’s all I wanted.” You whisper, finally breaking the right chord. The lights immediately die out and the train lurches as it comes to a complete stop. 

“Is that still what you want?” He whispers back, holding his hand out for you to grab and help you up. 

“I don’t deserve it.” 

“You are the only person in this entire universe that deserves that.” He snaps. “And it’s important to me that you know that.”

“It’s not like I have much of a future open.”

“Well I think you have a bit of a future in the vigilante game if you ask me.” He smiles. 

- 

I don't start it, but I can tell you how it ends

Don't get sad, get even

So on the weekends

I don't dress for friends

Lately I've been dressing for revenge

- 

“I’m sorry, you used to what?!” Sarah laughs, coming around the kitchen counter to grab a bottle of soda from your hand, eyes wide. “Dip your knives in lethal poison.”

“It made things easier. Even if I didn’t hit a vital organ I still knew the job was done.” You explain, shrugging a bit as she laughs. You still got nervous when talking about your past, but Sarah seemed anything but judgemental. 

Sam's sister ended up being your very best friend on this earth, which surprised you to no end. You loved her kids and you loved her. You especially loved girls night because you never thought this would be an option in general. Nonetheless you had friends now. You had a home, with a silly little welcome mat that was left on the porch for the trick or treaters every year. 

The very same one that was getting trampled on every time Sarahs kids ran through with your adopted children, covered in mud and laughing loudly. 

“Hey! Mind your mess!” She snaps out but you can’t stop smiling as you watch your adopted 4 year old chase after one of her sons. 

“What are you up to?” Bucky asks, coming in from the garage with Sam and Joaquin smiling from ear to ear as he rushes to kiss at your jaw. 

“We are getting ready.” You laugh, shooing him away. 

“For?”

“The Eras movie. You have daughters now Barnes. You need to get with the program.” Sarah scoffs playfully, making her brother laugh as they pick up the snacks and head to the living room. 

“Hey…. I just wanted to say thank you for your help on the mission the other day.” Torres smiles before following the rest into the living room leaving you with Bucky. 

“Hear that? Vigilante shit right there.” You laugh, leaning forward to kiss him. 

“Still waiting for you to kill me.” He whispers against your lips, winking before heading to catch your daughter as she tries to dash past, making her laugh loudly and reach for you.

[nikki-is-a-nerd]

Karma is my Boyfriend

Synopsis:

You may not have any plans on exacting revenge to those who've wronged you, but when karma hits them it's no mystical thing, It's just your boyfriend who remembers everything.

Note: NO CURSE AU, Gojo x AFAB!reader, Freelancer!Gojo x College student! Reader

___________________________________

College isn't as easy going as your parents told you, neither was it your most memorable time. It was school, and like all things it had its ups and downs. For a person studying Clinical Psychology, you found that learning to read people and constantly being surrounded by them, wasn't a good mix. Yes, you have bullies, though you are annoyed by their actions your rational mind knows that the only reason they pick on you is because they either feel powerless towards the adult figures in their life or they point out your flaws that they too see in themselves in hopes of transferring their insecurities. Pitiful actions really. Satoru believed you were a saint because of it. How could you, an angel (in his very humble and true opinion, as he once so kindly exclaimed) be so understanding to the slimy, filth of the earth kind of people. Good question.

"Look at her, how can her boyfriend stand to look at her face all day? She looks like a corpse reanimated." A voice cackled.

"I'm surprised you even know what that word means. Let me guess, it was the word for the day?" You said off handedly.

Her friends or posse, glared at you. Like you cared. They snickered to themselves as you suddenly felt a warm liquid cascade down your body.

"Oops, now you look exactly like you should." Their leader laughs, a shrill sound really.

You didn't really care but this was a very expensive sweater that Satoru bought you with his first paycheck for one of his gigs. You sighed, sure he would say something along the lines of 'its alright, I can buy you fifteen more of those' or 'that sweater was so last season, now I can buy you something new' but this was your favorite. You wordlessly took off your now ruined sweater and walked away. A ruined sweater wasn't worth getting called to the dean's office.

Now Satoru was a lot of things, model, gamer, streamer, dance choreographer, substitute teacher for a high school (you don't really get how he keeps getting that), and in his words your loving rich boyfriend. But what you didn't know is that he's petty and vengeful to a fault. He believes that if you wouldn't do it, might as well he does because you are too empathetic for your own good (thank God you were studying to be a therapist). Now you may not tell Satoru about the bullies but Suguru does. You didn't know that Suguru was in the same university taking his Master's degree in business, and coincidentally just taking a video of the entire exchange to send to your lovely boyfriend. Yes, weird but in Satoru's defense his friends like you more than they like him (he's not entirely wrong).

Satoru received a message from Suguru, minutes after you walked away from your bullies. This day was his Streaming day, so mid stream his fans would say that it was the first time they've seen him frown. He kindly apologized to his fans and ended the stream early that day. He knew you weren't one to complain, or to tell him what happened. So he wordlessly shops online to get you a better and cheap (in his opinion cheap means something your bullies can't afford even if they used their daddies black card) sweater that you were sure to love.

"Toru I'm home." he hears your voice call out.

He smooths out his features, and smiles when he sees you enter your shared room. He also takes note that you probably used the university shower since you're wearing a different blouse and cardigan (both bought by him on your twenty-first birthday).

"Sweetie! Your home!" He lunges at you, long limbs and all.

"Toru, you're heavy and tall!" You whined.

"You left me all alone here in our home and when I show you how much I miss you, you complain." He sulks in a corner, making you laugh lightly.

"Not what I meant and I had to go to school." You reasoned.

"Take me with you." He whined even more, somehow reminding you of a kicked puppy.

"Tried that and do you remember what happened?" You asked.

"Not really, I just knew that I was ripped away from my darling baby!" He exclaimed as he walked towards the bed and flopped on it.

You shook your head as you opted to cuddle close to your boyfriend. You were exhausted, mentally, emotionally and physically. Satoru was more than happy to provide you comfort. As you slept, he checked out the people in the video that Suguru sent him. He remembers their faces, their leader, he remembers is also a model for the same brand he models with. She would brag about getting the job because of her father. He was close friends with the brand owner, after all she was his senior.

"Mei-mei, remember that one really annoying model of yours?" He messaged.

"Yeah, what about her?" She replied.

"Can you just terminate her contract and fire her?" He asked.

"Sure. I'd let Utahime deal with the rest. Plus she barely does shit. I didn't even hire her, I specifically said no, and her god father who works in the stupid casting still got her. Fired him too. But why do you want her gone?" She texted back.

"Bullied my girlfriend." Was all he replied. Mei-mei only sent him a thumbs up. Next were her friends, which was way easier. They were rich kids, just staying in the school because their parents were paying for them to be there, even with all the violations they had. Did it help that he was from a distinguished family and that Suguru was willing to play a part as well? Yes. Suguru's family and his family all petitioned for all four of your bullies to be expelled from the University and any of its sister schools, they complained that scandals like these were not worth protecting.

When you went to uni next week, you were surprised to see all four of your bullies having their things and themselves removed from the premises. You eyed them curiously and went about your day. You thought that maybe they were found doing something they shouldn't but they were rich, don't rich people buy their way out of their problems? Nonetheless you were kind of glad.

When you returned home, you found Satoru cooking in the kitchen. He's been proud of his skill as well after he took some classes since he felt bad having to make you cook dinner after your uni and your part time job.

"Welcome back? How was your day?" Satoru asked.

"Work was fine, the cafe was packed today. School was also fine. Saw some people get escorted out of uni." You said.

"Ooh, tell me all about it." He said as if he wasn't the reason.

"Well, the ones who were escorted out were notorious bullies. I mean who remains a bully well into college? Like what fucked up psyche must you have to do that? But they were also my bullies so a part of me was glad." You said the last part softly.

"Did you say they were bullying you? Baby you should've told me. I would've given them a piece of my mind." He cooed. He should really get an award for how well he's acting right now.

"Yeah but it's nothing." You said as you clung to him.

"Well at least they won't bother you anymore." He said truthfully.

"Yeah. Karma really got them in the end." You said as you looked up at him with a small grin.

"Yeah, I told you so, Miss Taylor Swift is correct." He said playfully.

"Now let's eat dinner and watch the really cute anime we found." He added as he sat you down.

Yes, karma really got them in the end but just like what Taylor Swift also sang about. Karma is your Boyfriend, and he truly will do anything to keep you happy. Even if he seems petty.