#yes its important to not speculate on the sexuality of real life people but have we considered:

[gentil-minou]

everytime kim tae ri ends a project without a kiss scene i feel like it's a win for sapphics everywhere

[laundrybiscuits]

Just curious and i like hearing your thoughts on this stuff. May i ask what aspect of steddie fanon you're referring to (which don't fit IRL queer culture so accurately)?

Ahaha...okay so. IMPORTANT NOTE: fandom is not that crucial, do whatever you want, run free through daisy fields of whatever headcanons and characterizations you please. Also, fic is not real life and that's okay!!

That being said, fandom can get slightly weird about sex, especially queer sexual cultures and especially historical queer sexual cultures. I mean, I get it! Our current hegemonic understanding of sexuality is actually pretty recent; I studied sexuality from a sociological perspective as part of my undergrad degree, focusing on moral panics (gosh I wonder why Eddie's character arc appeals to me! so mysterious!), and I know just enough to know that I don't know shit. So I certainly don't expect anyone to be doing paradigm-shifting sociohistorical research for a fic. That would be ridiculous.

All of this is leading up to say that based on 1) the relayed experiences of queer mentors who were in the scene in the 80s 2) the secondary sources I’ve researched 3) personally having many gay male friends who love oversharing through the last ~15 years, I believe that if canon-compliant gay Eddie Munson is a virgin, it’s largely by choice. 

I've seen it suggested that Eddie's poor academic performance and nerdy interests would be, essentially, a dick deterrent. And like...I enjoy Eddie’s weirdo loser vibe as much as the next fan. I fully support him not being in any way smooth or cool with boys. But even when I myself was in my late teens/early twenties, many of my closest friends were awkward nerdy twinks who absolutely managed to get laid every weekend because MSM* hookup culture is eternal. 

And in the early 80s, when Eddie would’ve been in his late teens, MSM hookup culture was at its peak. AIDS still wasn’t being taken that seriously, and transmission etc. wasn’t really understood because…well, you know this story. It’s not a good story. Fuck Reagan. 

In short, I really can’t emphasize enough how certain types of sexual contact were extremely available for men seeking sex with men. A pretty young thing like Eddie could have literally as much sex as he wanted. Nobody is asking him for a high school transcript or anything about his hobbies, they’re asking if he tops. 

Now, would Eddie actually participate in the hookup culture of the time? That's a more complicated and speculative question, and not actually what you asked, but I'm going to talk about it briefly anyway.

In the 'yes' column: he has his own vehicle**, zero supervision, and a penchant for risky behavior.

In the 'no' column: the boy has at least three extremely involved hobbies eating up his spare time and energy; he's also a not-so-secret romantic.

Personally, I can see the pseudo-intimacy appealing to Eddie's tendency to keep people at arm's length, and I think it’s very plausible for him to be curious and experimental enough to want to explore a bit. I tend to land on 'tried it a few times, doesn't make a habit of it' in my backstories. I also tend to hint at the softer, friendlier side of hookup culture in my fics, just because I don’t often see it represented. 

Of course it’s like any other scene, there are bad actors and generally shitty people/situations, and sometimes the MSM scene specifically can be a bit of a soul-draining meat market. (ETA, because I am not white and neither are the vast majority of my friends and I felt increasingly weird not mentioning it even though it's not relevant to Eddie's situation: the scene is often also super racist, among other things! But that's a whooole other complicated kettle of fish, and again, not relevant to Eddie's situation.)

But there’s also space for casual sex to be part of a friendly relationship, in a way that I don’t really see in hetero circles. It’s hard to explain. It’s one of those dynamics that basically never shows up in mainstream media at all, so I absolutely don’t blame fics that don’t show it either. It’s just one of those things.

This is a step to the left, but I recommend checking out Dykes To Watch Out For: it’s practically an anthropological document depicting dyke culture in the 80s, it’s often funny as hell, and it’s just a fantastically detailed and relatively accessible window into a particular way of life that doesn’t really exist anymore. 

*MSM = men who have sex with men. It’s a sociological designation; not everyone in this category identifies as gay, bi, queer, etc. It may be useful to think about sexuality as having three distinct components: behavior, identity, and desire. The term “MSM” puts focus on the behavioral aspect, because it’s most relevant in this context. 

**As someone who has experienced several other countries' driving cultures, I just want to emphasize to non-Americans how willing many Americans are to drive for multiple hours for basically any reason whatsoever.

[raremikey]

Stupid little ramble about pete/mikey etc read if you dare

The whole pete mikey summer of like thing has been taken way too far and while this isn't particularly new, i want to just talk about it.

Idk how controversial of a take this is but p/tekey (censor for search) should be kept in fan spaces. I remember when Chris had that insta live where he talked about his friendships with pete and mikey and tbh the chat was actually horrible. Maybe I simply had too high of expectations but I expected more people would've been respectful. So many people just filling the chat asking if pete and mikey were together. I remember Chris talked about how our (fans) idea of how the whole summer of like thing went is different to real life, and basically that the truth would probably be disappointing. And he's right. Our perception of sol is largely based on fan speculation. In truth, we don't really have solid proof. Pete never came out and said "ya me and mikey fucked in 05". Our view of sol is largely based on things like lj posts and them sharing clothes and other stuff.

I keep seeing people taking it all way too far. I rbed some posts about this earlier but ppl who think that a lot of fob songs are about Mikey need to realize that not only are they reducing the meaning of the lyrics to being about mikey, but also mikey is not in fact the only person important to pete. Because yes making silly posts about bang the doldrums is fun (genuinely such a good song can we all collectively acknowledge that) (also its even funnier that it was written for fucking shrek. There is another timeline where bang the doldrums was in shrek) but dude. Saying all of ioh and a bunch of other assorted song are actually about mikey is just untrue. Pete as a songwriter puts a lot of layers and different meanings in his songs, and with ioh specifically, the lyrics reflect some of the struggles pete was dealing with at the time. Others have brang this up as well, but id just like to add that petes songwriting isn't acknowledged for being really amazing and innovative. There are a lot of factors as to why and I've rbed other posts that talk more about this. But i want to say that people further minimizing petes songwriting by simply saying his songs are about mikey are just doing harm, whether or not they mean to or not. Being silly about bang the doldrums is one thing but saying songs like I've got all this ringing in my ears and none on my fingers are about mikey is :| dude (sorry first song that came to mind)

Joe mama😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

And above all. These are real people. You may be thinking "well you post weird stuff about mikey you have no room to talk" and that's a whole other can of worms but doing things like commenting under pete or mikeys or ppl associated's posts asking about p/tekey or tweeting at them or tagging them or generally attempting to directly ask or bring it up to them. Yeah thats fucked up. Constantly bringing up something that happened 17 years ago to p or m is not gonna make them talk about it. Asking them or publicly speculating about their sexualities isn't gonna make them talk about it either. From what I know, Mikey is not comfortable publicly disclosing his sexuality and frankly it isn't our business. Just in general stuff like shipping etc needs to be kept in fan spaces. I'm not anti p/tekey or anything obviously. I think it is fun. I feel like generally how people characterize the relationship and m and p in general (ex. How they are written in fic) is more based on fan knowledge than real life. Like how ppl characterize mikey as either a sexmaster or shy nerd, but obviously irl I'm sure mikeys personality can't be put in a box like that. It's like the way a lot of fans see band dudes is more like a fictional character than a person. I know that personally, i see a divide between the fan interpretation of mikey (basically the way we as fans characterize him based on the info and speculation we do have) and irl mikey, who we (im guessing) do not know personally. We don't know about his private life.

Basically people go too far and take the whole gay pete mikey thing too seriously and i dont like it. But i am just some rando on the internet so others may see it differently. Idk. Just my thoughts

But thats a theory... a game theory 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[saezurufeels]

Chapter 47

It's always only a matter of time until I break while waiting for a translation, so I figured a summary is good enough to base my interpretations on 🤡

Anyways, my reaction's under the cut

So in 4 years Sugimoto went from looking kinda dusty, to possessing the jawline of a Greek God. ok

I'm falling at the perfect, upside-down triangular constellation of his freckles 🥰 🔭

University educated and street smart. Lay me to rest

And on top of that he has a good intuition and teases Nanahara with such precision. Truly the son of Yashiro.

The gossip and speculation about Doumeki's alleged woman and dating situation has me cackling. In the next chapter they're gonna start discussing his favourite sex position over some cakes

Mentally inserting myself into that blunt rotation

But, if there's anything I've learned reading Saezuru, it's that you shouldn't trust the tales and gossip in town

The timeskip has not been forthcoming about Doumeki's motives. We're seeing contradicting scenes and behaviours from him

It's clear he is after Yashiro, but he may be dealing with different matters concerning the group, or his lady friend

I mean, when has this manga ever neglected its context?

On to Yashiro

I feel like I don't have much to say. I'm just absorbing and waiting for what's next

The biggest takeaway for me is that unsurprisingly Yashiro doesn't have a defence mechanism to shield him from his own self-perception, which is manifesting itself in severe self-loathing

It's out. It can't be undone. I think it's important to talk about how and why this should have been prevented. But that's a topic for another day

That aside, let's look to the future

The point that Yashiro is at right now: 1) he is reflecting on his life with dread and disdain, and 2) he realized that the people who have done him harm are wrong for what they did

So, at least we have number 2. The tricky part is obviously building up a sense of self-worth

I think that it's absolutely possible to hold both beliefs at the same time. You can hate yourself and blame yourself, and still recognize that someone has harmed you. Our minds are sporadic like that

It's interesting to see that Yashiro no longer connects rape with a hot fantasy, but rather, with real, devastating consequences. But again, this realization isn't a victory for him, as it stands right now. I feel like he needs to be on suicide watch

Yashiro thinking about Doumeki while he's having sex with Inami is a strategy he's always used to distract himself from the pain. When he's hit in bed, he thinks about the last person that was nice to him. He even used to think about Misumi.

His fantasies of Doumeki are cute, but it's also up to Doumeki's next move to see how things unfold

Thus, I'm not really a believer that Yashiro needs to make the next move. Y's "next move" was having sex with Inami. Clearly, not what Doumeki had in mind lol. It's up to Doumeki to let Yashiro trust him not vice versa

Also, I'm not sure if I got this right, but Inami was ok with just exchanging information with Yashiro? Like, sex was not on the table until Yashiro substituted giving out info with sex? If yes, that's telling

You know what's underrated? Doumeki showing up at Yashiro's apartment the next day 😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨

I mean, Yashiro didn't even have to lift a finger and this grown, self-assured, attractive, and admired man, is rushing to his feet

The sexual and romantic tension between them when they're face to face beside Inami's car....you could cut it with a knife. It's my new favourite panel

I honestly can't even describe how much this whole scene pleases me. If I'm ever gonna use the term alpha male non-sarcastically, it's when I talk about Doumeki in this scene

Doumeki's confidence in this chapter has me quivering, honestly

Judging from Yashiro's facial expression at the end, I wouldn't be surprised if he got goosebumps from D's self-assured attitude

[crashdevlin]

Another Second Chance 18- Therapy

Another Second Chance Masterlist, Happily Ever Eventually Masterlist

Author’s Note: The final (hopefully) installment of the Happily Ever Eventually RPF series.

Summary: Y/n finds herself a new house and Misha is determined to make it a huge project.

Pairing: Jensen x Reader

Word count: 2993

Story Warnings: past cheating, mentions of FFM threesome, not much in this one

~~~~~~~~~~~~

“It’s pretty, right?” I ask, looking around the open concept of the first floor of this $350,000 house.

“Kitchen’s kinda outdated,” Jensen says, pointing at the fridge. “I mean, that fridge has gotta be from when you were in high school.”

“I could buy new appliances, Jay. Get a natural gas stove set up. Install some cabinet pulls, because I’m not a really big fan of this whole lack of elements.” I gesture at the cabinets. “Probably stain it a little darker to go against the flooring. But it’s pretty, right?”

Jay smiles. “Yeah. It’s pretty...and it’s about twice as big as the one you’ve been living in. Which is what you need.”

“Yeah. Walk-in closet in the master, too. It’ll be a good place to put the security hub.”

“Or you could put the security hub in the closet in the den and put your clothes in the master closet,” Jay suggests, grumpy old man in his tone. "And if you're gonna update the kitchen, you gotta update the bathrooms. Get one of those-"

"I am not getting an automatic toilet!" I laugh. "No one needs that!"

"Of course no one needs it but it's freakin' awesome!"

"Okay, Dean," I tease.

"Dean would agree with me. Automatic toilet, with the bidet and the-"

"Dean Winchester would break an automatic toilet and then complain that it's a damn computer which means he can't fix it without help."

Jay laughs. "He'd still think it was cool."

"He'd be down for the heated seat. I will give you that much."

He smiles as he looks around. "So...are we looking at your new digs or what?"

I bite my bottom lip and run my hand over the granite countertop. “Shouldn’t I ask Nova's opinion? It's gonna be her home, too."

"She's a teenager. As long as she's got her own room, I'm sure she's gonna be fine." He sets his hands on my shoulders and smiles. "But you can show her pictures or bring her by before you sit down with the realtor."

I nod and smile. "It's in the right school district and a bigger room for her and for Mav and the bonus room can be an office. I really think it's the place."

"Then get it," he encourages. "Get it, Baby Girl. We can make it perfect. I'm no stranger to a little reno."

"Please," I start, laughing. "A contractor did the work on your old place. Shush."

He looks a little offended. "I helped. I painted. I installed the sink in the half bath off the kitchen."

"Fine. You can stain these cabinets for me." I wink and step away from him. I'm gonna get this house. "Come on." I walk to the foyer where the realtor is waiting and I smile at him. "Can I put in an offer now or should I wait a few hours?" He smiles brighter than the sun.

"You can make an offer anytime, Miss."

Miss. Still young enough to get 'miss'. "Good. Let's do this."

~~~~~~~~~

"Four bedroom, 2 and a half bath, 3200 square feet with an office next to the master bed. It needs some updating and work...had a contractor quote me $60,000 but that's not bad...covers new appliances, too."

"I could come down and help," Misha offers. "You know, a lot of that stuff you can DIY and I can help with most of it."

"You don't have to do that, Meesh."

"Why would I let you spend that much money on something I could help you with for a fraction of the cost?"

"Misha, you really don’t-"

"I'm not letting you tell me 'no' on this. We'll get together some manpower and get this done for you."

He's really not going to let me say 'no'. "Okay. Well, it's going to be several weeks before the paperwork is finished and all that. I'll let you know when it's mine."

"Good. I'll start looking at HGTV.com." Damn it, Misha. Don't be so extra. "And send me pictures and a floorplan so I know what I'm working with."

"Yeah, okay." Really no point in arguing. It's Misha. If I don't send him pics and a copy of the floorplan, he'll just find the house and get them himself off the internet. "I'll send it to you after my appointment tomorrow, okay?"

"Sounds good. Talk to you then."

"Bye, Meesh." I hang up and sigh. He's gonna make it this whole thing, isn't he?

His house in Washington did come out amazing, though, so he does have some skills that will help in this. Eh, why not? Why not get together with my best friend and make my new home my own?

"So, I get to see this house eventually, right?" Nova says, walking into the living room.

I smile. "Come see all these pretty pictures I took and we can speculate on what craziness Misha is gonna come up with." I pat the couch next to me and she comes over. "This is the view from the street." I start showing her the pictures and she claims a room before I've even finished the digital tour.

"Oh, and you're gonna paint the exterior, right? Like, it's pretty but it's yellow. You're gonna fix that, right?"

"Oh, I'm sure Misha isn't going to let me move into another drab house. You weren’t here the first time he showed up at this house but he had opinions about all of it. I didn't let him talk me into reno last time but this time...I don’t know...maybe this will be the forever home so…"

"It's gotta be custom!" Nova exclaims.

"Exactly."

"Can I paint my walls custom? Or get custom wallpaper done? I know that a lot of people don't like wallpaper but I've seen a few places that got it right and-"

"Yeah, baby, of course. We'll figure out something awesome for your walls." I kiss her forehead. We'll do whatever she wants for her room.

"Yay!"

I love when she's happy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's been a while since I've been in Dr. McCauliffe's office. Life has been in the way...and I guess I didn’t want her to judge me for my involvement with Jensen...which is ridiculous because she's my therapist. She's not going to judge me.

"So." She taps her pen against her clipboard. "What's new?"

"Well...I have been dating Jensen again. I know you saw that in the news."

"I saw it on Mr. Collins' Instagram, actually," she says with a smile.

"Right. The video. Forgot about it for a minute. Um, yeah, like I said in the video and Jensen said in his...spark's still there, we're giving it another chance."

"How's that feel?"

I bite my bottom lip. "Scary as Hell, honestly. I mean, but it's good. I've done pretty good with boundaries and moving slowly. You know, before...we jumped in head first and everything was this intense passion right out of the gate but this time…" I shrug. "I don't know. Maybe we've grown up, or grown old, but…"

"Have you slept with him?" she asks and it's because she knows that sex was a big issue when I was with him before. Sex was all we were supposed to be in the beginning and sex ruined us in the end. I know why she's asking but there's this...well, it's a bit intrusive, isn't it? It seems like she's judging me for being sexually active and I know that's not what it is but my whole spine goes tense when she asks.

"Yes. We dated for about a month before we started getting physical again."

“And how has that been? I don’t need details, of course, but...emotionally, how has it been to be intimate with Jensen again?”

How to answer that?

Really, how am I supposed to answer that? It’s the best sex I’ve ever had, emotionally fullfilling in a romance-novel sort of way. It’s perfect but it does have its scary moments. “Well, we’ve only actually...slept together a couple times this time. His libido is a lot less than it was. I mean, he didn’t have sex the entire time we were broken up, can you believe that?”

Dr. McCauliffe adjusts her glasses and shrugs a little. “I do not. Five years is a long time to go without sex...but you seem to believe it. That’s what matters.”

I never even questioned it. Should I have? No, because he’s been so honest about everything else. “I went years and years without sex after Nate. I believe Jensen did the same after me. He had a lot going on. He was in recovery for alcoholism. He had to be a good father and work on his career and-”

“You just got very defensive, very quickly. Why is that?”

Fuck, I don’t know. I run my hand over my mouth and shrug. “I don’t know,” I respond honestly.

“Analyze it, Y/n. Why would you get so defensive over my disbelief in what Jensen told you?”

“Because I didn’t question it,” I answer after a moment. “Because he told me that the last time he had sex, real full-penetrative sex, was the time that broke us and I didn’t really question it. I took it at face value because we’ve been doing very good about honesty with each other and what if that’s stupid? What if I’m stupid because maybe he’s lying about it and keeping stuff from me and-”

“You said he’s been very good about honesty so far, right?”

I nod. “Yeah. He’s...he admitted to stuff that I never thought he’d admit to and he apologized for stuff and he’s been open about what happened and why. He’s even been honest about little things that he would have lied about before...like I told him about Will and he Googled him. Used to be, he’d keep that kind of thing to himself, never tell me, but he admitted it without even prompting.” I chew on my bottom lip as she starts scribbling on her notes. “I believe him. It might be stupid but I believe him.”

She sets her clipboard in her lap and smiles at me. “It’s not stupid...and he’s likely changed enough that honesty is important to him. You’ve told me that his recovery has changed him. Jared’s told me the same. Now, it’s a bit hard for me to believe that he’s changed so much in the last five years that he would have abstained from sex since the last time he was with you, but...I don’t know the man, do I? You do. Jared does. If you believe him, then don’t let me change your mind.”

“I believe him. You didn’t see the way he looked at me the first time we...‘Reverent’ is the best word for it.”

“What do you think that means for you?”

I scoot back, leaning against the back of the couch. “I think he’s finally got Danneel out of his head.”

“Do you?” she asks and I hate when she asks things I don’t want to answer. “Danneel was a major roadblock in your relationship before, wasn’t she?”

“You know she was. I was so focused on giving Jensen what he wanted...Danneel...that I couldn’t see that I was what he was supposed to be wanting. I wanted to be like her, couldn’t appreciate myself. I know this stuff, Doctor.” I shift on the couch and sigh. “I don’t wanna be Danneel and I don’t want Jensen to be with her. I want Jensen to be with me...I want him to want to be with only me.” I shrug. “Seems like that’s where we are. He doesn’t even talk to her anymore. I talked to her the other day and she didn’t even know why he doesn’t talk to her anymore.”

“You talked to Danneel again?”

“Yeah. We ran into each other at a shop while I was getting Nova a new dress. It...didn’t go well. Nova was very combative with Danneel. I ended up having to...be very honest with my daughter. She knows about everything now...even the night with Danneel.”

“Oh? How’d that talk go?”

“It was...it was good to get it off my chest, actually. It was like the conversation where I told her about, about why her father and I got divorced. It’s like...It was a hard conversation but it was an important one. I don’t have to...hide things anymore and that’s a blessing. She understands why I make the decisions I make now...she understands...the betrayal was a lot deeper than she even knew. She understands that now and...maybe it’ll make us closer, but at least she knows the truth now.”

“And she’s living with you now, right?” I nod. “How did that happen? Nathan doesn’t seem the type to just allow her to do what she wants.”

I snort. “He’s definitely not, but...he fucked up with Jenny, blew up his marriage. I’m actually surprised it took her this long to realize that he was cheating on her, but whatever. Um...Nova didn’t want to be there for the destruction of his way of life and she asked if she could come to Texas. I convinced him to let her come because she didn’t need to see the parade of his affairs that Jenny would bring up. I then used those women to convince him not to fight me on custody when I refiled. It was…” I scratch at my cheek. “It was a low move, but it’s exactly the kind of move he pulled on me, convincing the judge that I was too unstable to care for her. I don’t feel bad about it, especially since she wants to be here.”

“That’s a big change...on top of other big changes.”

“Yep...and there’s more coming. Because I need more room since Nova is living with me, there will be a new home in my future."

"A new home? That's exciting."

"It is. And I am more excited about it than I am scared so that says something."

"I remember how anxious you were about your first house. I remember all the security options you went through."

"Well, security had to be heavy. I had to think about Tom and his crazy-ass fans and the crazier of Jensen’s fans and the paps. There was that one photographer in Vancouver that climbed the balcony outside the condo to get pics of me and Jay, remember?" I shiver at the memory of looking out the French doors to see a man with his camera, snapping away. So intrusive. "I'm gonna have to put up a privacy fence and a coded gate at the new place, too...and, of course, all the security cameras."

"Sounds like a big project."

"Yeah. Definitely. Not even half of it, though. Misha wants to DIY everything."

"Misha isn't your husband, Y/n," Dr. McCauliffe reminds me and I laugh.

"I think he forgets that sometimes. But there's not a lot of use in arguing with him. He's...well, he's right a lot. Like, most of the time, I mean. So, I always cave to him."

"Do you want to do a big DIY project at this new house?"

"Not at first, I didn't but...I dunno. Might be fun. I've never gotten to do that kind of project and knowing Misha, he's gonna make it fun even if it is hard work."

"Well, as long as you can maintain your work as well as this project. How is that coming along?"

"Really good, actually. We started shooting not too long ago...and I hadn't even considered that this project might be detrimental to Midsummer. I'll have to make sure that Misha knows that Midsummer comes first."

"Well, it seems like you've got things under control."

"Yeah? I was afraid you'd tell me I was...going too fast or…"

"Do you think that? You were telling me that you'd done well with boundaries and keeping things-"

"Well, I have! I mean, Jensen was talking about moving in together already and I shut that down and decided to get a bigger place...my own bigger place."

"Jensen wanted to move in with you?" She writes down something on her notes. "And you said 'no'?"

"I said 'no'," I confirm. "I was really proud of myself, Doc. Nova was proud of me, too, actually. Which was...it was interesting and new. I don’t know that she's ever been proud of me for anything and I know that it's supposed to be the other way, where I'm proud of her and I am, of course but Nova being proud of me setting these boundaries and sticking to them...it gives me hope that she'll be able to do the same in her own life, you know?"

"There's nothing wrong with feeling happy that you made your daughter proud and there's nothing wrong with hoping she's going to make different mistakes than you. She's going to do well in life if you keep making the best choices for the both of you." She sets her clipboard on her desk and smiles. "I'm proud of you, too, by the way. Six years ago, you would have jumped at living with Jensen."

"Six years ago, I did."

We finish out our session with a promise to not go so long without seeing her next time. "Mental health is about the maintenance," she reminds me as she opens her office door and walks me to the reception desk. I agree and set an appointment for six weeks out. I call Misha as I start my car, intending to tell him that Midsummer comes before the house project. I haven't even gotten a 'hello' out of my mouth when he speaks.

"I saw the pictures you sent. I have so many ideas!"

~~~

The Kitchen Sink - @emoryhemsworth @flamencodiva @wasabiwitteks @rainbowkisses31 @rissbennett @mariekoukie6661 @officiallyunofficialperson @dolphincliffs @mrs-meghan-winchester @gayspacenerd @foxyjwls007 @ilovefanfic86 @marvelfansworld @f-yeahfandoms @wonderlandfandomkingdom @hhiggs @sev3nruby @hobby27 @paintballkid711 @divadinag @thewhiterabbit42 @fantasymyth-1 @queenoftheunderdark @cosicas-cuquis @superfanficnatural @letsby @supernatural-bellawinchester @onethirstyunicorn @swinchester27 @chalicia @screechingartisancashbailiff @death-unbecomes-you @dayasvalkyrie @paryl @wereallbrokenangels @the-american-witch @that-one-gay-girl @tatted-trina6 @sunshineandwings86 @lunarmoon8 @wheezyeds @vicmc624 @couldabeenamermaid @vulgar-library

[ciitrus--fruitz]

the way people talk about real life ass actors on this site is so weird imo. like i love ralph macchio and billy zabka and all those other men as much as the next guy. would it be neat if they were gay? yes. are they gay? 99.9% probability that they are not. and thats whatever. theres a fine line between shipping real living actors and shipping their characters, and people seem to cross that line too often. "oh i just know theyre gay" no you dont. stop saying you do. this is a grown ass 60 year old man with a wife and two adult children, a wife who he's known since he was 15 btw. did he have a queer awakening on set for this movie? maybe. is it important, at all, in any context? fuck no!! because that isnt the present for them dude. its just not. they are real people who deserve the dignity of people not speculating on their sexuality and shipping them with their best friends. do i think the characters should kiss? absolutely. but leave the real life people out of this.

[representativecharacters]

Characters: Castiel, Dean Winchester

From: Supernatural

Representation: mlm (*see “issues” section), abuse survivor (Dean) 

Their Importance: Dean and Cas are two characters that many in fandom viewed as LGBTQIA+, with the common belief being that Dean Winchester is bisexual. 

There’s a lot about Supernatural and Destiel, and Dean in general, which I’ll go over in the “issues” section, but I think many people in fandom didn’t expect for the show to actually go anywhere with them - until 15x18, when Cas confesses his love to Dean. It’s riddled with issues, yes, but just speaking as a bi girl who’s been watching Supernatural for a decade now, watching Cas confess his love for Dean was just so incredibly validating. It validated that I - and other fans - weren’t delusional when looking for representation from Cas (and Dean). Cas is a wonderful character and gave a new life to the show, and has been a fixture of the show for 10 years. While like with every character he has his ups and downs, he is a kind, loving character, and the only main character who actually survives the show. Despite the issues on the show, knowing that Cas is canonically LGBT+ is something that’s comforting and validating to me, and continues to be so even as Supernatural kind of trainwrecks around everything else. 

For myself, watching the show, I saw a lot of myself and my journey in Dean. Watching him grow and develop as a character, and try to experience happiness and find comfort in his found family was wonderful for me to see. I started this show when I was a young closeted kid, and I clung to Dean in a way that I didn’t fully understand until years later. I didn’t actually expect him to be explicitly mlm in the show, and for the most part, that didn’t happen - until the Spanish dub. There, we see the romantic reciprocation to Cas, and that’s something that is real and cannot be taken away. In fact, although it was said that it was a “rogue” translator, the episode will not be redubbed, so it is canon in a version of the show. Despite the fact that he didn’t get canonized in a way I expected or would have ever hoped, it still does give me some joy to know that he is canonically LGBT+ (and in my opinion, bi, although there is no actual label given to Dean). Even if it’s not in the version of the show I watched, I can go back and watch the Spanish dub of the episode and see that representation happen onscreen, and that means something to me. 

Issues: The issues list for this show is a mile long, so I’ve split it up into sections and put most of it under a read more:

Dean + Canon Rep: Trying to wade through if Dean is actually canonically LGBTQ+ was....a struggle, to say the least, and I almost didn’t put him into this submission. If you watch the show in English, Dean never once actually reciprocates feelings for Cas, states that he’s into men, or is even confirmed to be in a relationship with other men. Although for many, it is implied, the average audience member may not see Dean as canonically LGBTQ+. However, in the Spanish dub of the show, when Castiel confesses his love to Dean (which is an explicit romantic “I love you”), Dean says “y yo a ti”, which is a reciprocation of Cas’s romantic confession. This post is very long as it is, so I want to link to @destielintheimpala’s timeline of events that occurred for Supernatural and I think it best lays out all the issues about 15x18-20, why it’s been so difficult trying to figure out Dean’s sexuality in canon, why fandom is upset, and can clear up any misinformation. This situation also goes into queerbaiting quite a bit (something Supernatural is infamously known for), which you can read in this article from @thecoolestfreakyouknow. 

Reading Dean as a queer character as well - having a character who is queer (or queercoded) and an abuse survivor and then immediately killing him off is also a huge problem. As mentioned in the link above, Jensen Ackles himself felt uneasy about Dean’s ending, and many Dean fans felt the same way. To have a character suffer through abuse and traumas for 15 seasons, imply or straight out have him be LGBT+ (depending on the canon), and then immediately killing him off in the finale is needless to say, an odd choice. 

Also, with Dean being an abuse survivor - his father, John Winchester, is commonly shown to be neglectful throughout the show, and Dean has to raise his younger brother Sam by himself most times. He expresses trauma from the experiences he’s had growing up with their father and being forced to hunt at a young age. However, the show weirdly seems to flip flop on their portrayal of John, despite also specifically stating that what he put his children through was child abuse. They have Sam telling John that he did the best he could, they have characters excusing away John’s actions, etc. - it was like the writers themselves couldn’t figure out if they wanted John to have been an abusive parent or not. The show ends with John in Heaven with Mary - thus absolving John of his actions and putting him in the same Heaven with the children he abused. 

Castiel: Cas confesses his love for Dean in 15x18, but gets dragged away to a void called “The Empty” immediately afterwards, where he’s meant to be suffering for all of eternity. Cas does get out of The Empty, and even helps to rebuild Heaven - he’s actually one of the few characters to survive the finale - but he never appears onscreen again after 15x18, so fans’ last image of him is getting dragged away to The Empty. Dean never has a follow-up conversation, and there was only one line referencing Cas’s fate, so many fans believed he was still in The Empty suffering.

As the timeline linked above shows, the situation around Destiel is an odd one - the Spanish dub, cast’s overall silence, the lack of Misha Collins in the finale all led fans to believe that something was switched around last minute in terms of Dean’s sexuality and Destiel as a general ship. Obviously, this is speculation unless someone from the show explicitly comes out and says that fans are correct, but it’s included in the issues section because - regardless of it it turns out to be true or not - it’s such a big part of the issues currently surrounding Supernatural and canon representation. In any case, however, Castiel’s confession in 15x18 gave fans hope where they may not have had hope before, and then it was unceremoniously dropped with no real follow up - from a writing standpoint, it isn’t good writing to confirm a major character as queer via a love confession and then never go back to that plot point. While I’m happy that Cas is canonically queer and I’m not trying to say that I would rather not have more representation, I do look back on the show and wonder, with the story that made it to screen, what the actual point of writing that in was. 

As mentioned before, Castiel was a main character on the show for 10 years - while I’m glad that his character survives the series, to not have him show up in the final two episodes (particularly the finale, and especially after canonically making him LGBTQ+) felt like a slap in the face to both the character and the audience who loved him. 

Miscellaneous treatment of characters: In general, Supernatural has many problems in its treatment of female, characters of color, and LGBTQ+ characters. Alongside being incredibly underrepresented in the show, if they do show up, they are commonly tortured, treated poorly, and/or killed off (if not all of the above). Even thinking about their recurring characters who are also representative - Kevin, their only recurring Asian character, is killed off and appears as a ghost multiple times, Charlie, who is a lesbian, gets killed off and replaced in the show with an Alternate Universe version of herself, Eileen, a Deaf woman, gets killed off and then is brought back and is implied to survive the show, but like Cas, never actually shows up in the final two episodes even though she’s Sam’s girlfriend. I can think of very few minority characters in the show in general, much less those who got any type of happy ending. 

[watchinglikeafangirl]

Kiss Me Again - first reactions

Out of boredom, I started watching Kiss Me Again also because I've already watched Dark Blue Kiss. I saw many people saying both shows should be seen as two seperable things because some important details got lost on the way of making spin-off.

Let's see how much of a difference there actually is. From what I've heard, Pete is going to be very different. Anyway, here are my first reactions during the watching process:

Episode 1

Oh well, Pete is so different. He's a whole other person here. He's the typical cool guy who just wants to show off but at the same time, he's a bit socially awkward and I love it. This faked boredom and annoyment are only there because he doesn't know what to say when Kao is around and especially when they are alone because the atmosphere is just weird between them. Acting all annoyed is his way of socializing and I like it because I believve we all have weird tactics to try to lighten the mood or find a topic with peopl we don't know. Here, Pete is "annoyed" to look cool but I guess, he does this because he tries to find something they both can agree on and annoyment is the simpliest way. You can easily agree with people on negative emotions concearning a topic, so it's the easiest choice to pretend to be annoyed. What's funny here is that Kao is really not impressed by it and already knows Pete just wants to be cool. I think, Kao just doesn't like Pete in the beginning because he sees Pete is just pretending and is never true. I guess, that's why he will fall for him later, because they will probably have real talks and bonding moments.

Episode 2

Okay, Pete and Kao shared an awkward kiss and now things are even more weird. Here's one difference to the Pete I know from Dark Blue Kiss: he's not honest. Now, whenever Kao wants to address the kiss, Pete gets defensive and aggressive. Yes, it's probably because of his confusion but in Dark Blue Kiss, Pete always addresses everything - even the uncomfortable or negatively loaded topics - but not at this moment.

And also, I know, Pete is not the nicest person at this moment but he is really respectless. After the kiss, he stares into Kao's eyes in surprise, pulls away and then wipes his mouth in disgust more than once. As if Kao's lips and the taste of them are dirt on his lips and that's so disrespectful. Kao is obiously hurt by it and I would be too. Of course, you are allowed to not like a kiss but reacting so disgusted is very harsh.

Episode 3

And now, Pete is bullying Kao by isolating him from the group. He makes the others believe Kao doesn't like them, so he will end up being the king of the group since Kao is not the kind of person who talks about such things and just accepts the circumstances.

The scene between So and Sansuay in the parking lot was obviously not right bahavior on So's part because Sansuay was clearly uncomfortable being pressed against another car. She had no way out and I love the random dude walking by and just checking if she is okay. No romanticizing. Just a statement that this behavior is wrong.

Episode 4

Pete and Kao now claim to be "annoyed" of each other and all the other ones are still left wondering what the real problem is.

But at least, Pete confides to Sandee and confesses he only gets angry because of the kiss. I mean, we as the audience understand him better but I just find Sandee's frustration very amusing. Pete is obviously not realizing his feelings and is just helpless. Sandee is such a mood.

Until now, I really don't like R at all. He is pushing Sanwan around and invades her ersonal space all the time while saying he cares. Dude, if you care, don't force her, don't drag her into your car and especially don't kiss her when she doesn't want to.

Episode 5

Its just my speculation but I'm pretty sure Pete is bisexual because he has an ex-girlfriend (we know of) but seems to be attracted to both gender and he's not the kind of guy who falls for the personality or character of someone. The gender matters to him, I would say. But it's nice to see a bisexual character because mostly shows want to tell me that people are either homo- or heterosexual but there are obviously many other sexualities in between. Living in a gay relationship doesn't mean you define yourself as homosexual, real life doesn't work like that and I like they give us a character who is neither homo- or heterosexual.

What's going on with the men in that show? WHy are there so many red flags? Except for Kao, Mat and Sun, everybody pushes the women around and invades their personal space in a very uncomforting manner. Are they all going to "change"? I don't know if I will be able to believe them...

Episode 6

Mat's mother wants Sanson to "turn her son straight"? Okay, just gonna leave that there because I don't have words how wrong this thought is.

Oh, the scene which I saw many gifs of, happened. But I thought Pete and Kao would spend more time laying in the grass. I though this was a very romantic scene. But it's just a second long. But who cares, their relationship took a next step. They stop fighting and come to some sort of agreement (the agreement being that fighting is pointless). But somehow this scene feels like they broke the ice and finally found peace.

Episode 7

And again, a scene I've seen very often: the hospital. But it's really sweet they all went there because of Pete and wait all together until he can go home. That's real friendship and I think this show portrays their friend group really accurate because they are so natural with each other. They are a bunch of people thrown together who bond over weird fun talks at night and getting home drunk. Even though they are so different, they are loyal and trustworthy. It's heartwarming to see a group of friends be portrayed like this because mostly in shows, the protagonist has one really good friend and just a few people they know but are not very close to. but a group of friends is exactly this and it's rare on TV because showing a whole group bonding is difficult and also because they dynamic is totally different.

Episode 8

Kao (giving me the chills): Mint, even if he doesn't like you back, it doesn't mean you are not good enough. No matter how beautiful you are, no matter how good you try to be to him, if he's not into you, he's not the one for you.

I can't believe So gets away with stealing Sansuay's phone. She will never know it was him. I don't know what to think about him.

Epsiode 9

Sun flirting with Kao over coffee makes me cringe so much right now. This is uncomfortable and not as romantic as Sun may think it is. And then, Kao is scared Sun meant him, this is uncomforting to watch. Also, I really don't think Kao and Sun are a match. It doesn't fit at all and I hope it will be over soon.

What? Wayu wants to rape Sanwan? Did I miss something? How did we get here? I thought this was a warm show for teenagers. Now there's rape? I could deal with the sexual harassment even though that was not fine to watch, but rape? I'm confused how we got there? But of course, R saved her.

Not Mork casually cleaning his gun...

Episode 10

I love the fact Pete and Kao just quietly accept the fact they spend a night together. It happened and they can't change it. They don't even mention it and I'm relieved there's no "don't ever tell anybody" or something. It just happened and that's it. Nothing further to dicuss about it. Also, they made pretty clear already they have certain feelings for each other. The wuestio now is just how they are going to deal with this and if they will be in a relationship.

Kao: I will stop seeing other people when things between us become clearer.

Episode 11

I can't believe they actually address the bullying I mentioned before. Kao is very right when he says Pete needs to earn his trust because of the past. This is just right because you can't forget the past just because of romantic feelings. If you don't address the other person made you feel ad, you won't be able to move on from that and relationships are about trust, so I find this very mature and good for both of them. Pete needs to understand he hurt Kao in the past and can't just change his mind over night and Kao will say yes right away.

A planned engagement? Isn't that a bit old-fashioned? Sanwan and R don't know each other at all and why would their parents decide this for them. It doesn't look like it would be good for family's business or something. This seems so random.

And Wayu tries to rape Sanwan again? How? Why? And what is wrong with Sindee for initializing this? But of course, R saves her again.

Episode 12

Oh Mint. I always had mixed feelings about her and now i know for what reason. Is she fine? Making someone feel bad for leeting her go by threatening she would hurt herself is not healthy or normal or anything. That's a serious matter. No wonder, Pete feels like his life is messed up and is extremely stressed about it. And then, Mint woders why he's not comfortable at all and doens't see Pete just let her stay out of fear her threat might be the truth. Because he's a nice person. But Mint is just crazy and plays mind games.

I've never seen a drunk kiss be that cute and meaningful. They are just pure. Now, I really know why people love Pete and Kao so much. I already fell in love with their dynamic in Dark Blue Kiss but seeing the beginnings of their relationship tops that. This script is too good. They both know, the kiss meant a lot and I like they are way past the regretment state. Or at least, they don't regret the kiss. They regret they are not in a relationship which makes the atmosphere afterwards more sad and hurt. Again, they are so mature about this.

Mint took a picture? I can't with this woman.

Episode 13

Why did tehy not report Wayu? They are covering up a crime. And Sanwan doesn't seem to be traumatized which makes me wonder a lot. She is more than fine and I'm not buying Wanyu's apology at all.

And now Mint send the picture to Pete's dad. Does she have no shame? It's not her right to out Pete. That's a thing between Pete, his dad and Kao. Mint has and nothing to do with it and shouldn't have ever. She took Pete's power away by letting his dad now. Things were in Pete's hands and I hope Pete will tell mint very clearly she had no right to do that and her behavior is wrong.

Wow, Pat has guts. Telling your best friend you like them even though you know they don'yt like you is very brave. I love Mat being so cool with it because it's obviously a hard moment for Pat to outlive.

Episode 14

I love Pete's dad. They both were so scared but he doesn't say anything and I like what he says. He talks with them like they are adults (which they are) and doesn't talk to them like they are kids who don't know anything. They don't need to be lectured by their parents. They are adults already and make their own life decisions. I like very much he has this calm talk with them and then drops the topic.

Sanson being the first to confess fits very good because mAt is alway the wuieter one of them. This scene is so bittersweet and Sanson is so vulnerable, it hurts my heart. If it stays like this, then it would be a strong statement of the show because not everything works out in the end. You can try, you can ask, but in the end, maybe your efforts were all for nothing.

Finally, Pete calls Mint out. But he forgives her?... But at least, he doesn't want to be her friend any more.

Of corse we have happy endings all over the place.

[mor-beck-more-problems]

My Wild Heart Bleeds || Morgan, Adam, Blanche, Margot, & Constance

TIMING: Current

LOCATION: UMWC Humanities Dept

PARTIES: @walker-journal, @harlowhaunted, @g0t-ri5h, @constancecunningham, @mor-beck-more-problems

SUMMARY: Constance sits in on Morgan’s lit seminar.

CONTAINS: Mild gore, death tw  

The afternoon section of Fear and Loathing: Western Literature of Speculation was crammed into a corner seminar room designed for intimate grad-level meetings half the size, baked into the side of the building through its set of large windows like a hothouse. Even with zombie strength, they wouldn’t slide up more than an inch to let in the cooling September air. Morgan smiled brightly at her students, as if enthusiasm alone could make the central air in the building work double time for them. “I really like the place you’re coming from with that point! Do you think it’s fair and accurate for me to rephrase your thought as, ‘the debate between Carmilla and Laura’s father in the dinner scene ends formally unresolved, with Carmilla having the last word, positioning her as a possible victor in the exchange, a position which then renders credibility to her reasonable points and, by extension, to her own perspective and humanity?’” Morgan nodded encouragingly at the girl, Maxine. Her rephrasing was a bit of a generous take on her thought, but not completely unfounded. 

“Uh...sure?” Maxine replied.

“Amazing! So, going off of Maxine’s thought, what possibilities open up for us when considering the figure of Carmilla? And, does recognizing the humanity behind her perspective complicate the more critical, even predatory ways of viewing her we discussed on Monday?”

The class trudged on in spite of the heat, fixated on passing through each moment that brought them closer to the end of the seminar. Around and behind them, the windows blazed with light. A fissure down the centermost panel glared like liquid metal as it spidered outward, spreading crooked fingers as far as they could reach, as if it meant to rip itself free, seemingly of its own accord.

The refulgent heat made Adam even less inclined to engage with class then was usual for someone who’d entered higher academia mainly to play football and have somewhere to stay while stabbing monsters to death after practice. Thus Adam had chosen his curriculum purely on the basis of what made it easier to flirt with his adamic advisor or what sounded vaguely tangential to his higher purpose of putting bullets in horror movie rejects. 

What was literature of speculation? Who knows? Adam, Terry, and Andros had privately speculated on Professor Beck’s ‘assets’ at various points. Thus Adam figured they’d satisfied the syllabus requirements. 

The DIE fellows were sweating in the back of the class and praying for death whenever one of their more enthusiastic classmate decided to ‘try hard’ on this Gothic Lesbian stuff. 

She just wanted to go home, but Blanche had to rush to work after class to help Mercy on some assignment - which probably meant she was going to be stuck on photography stake-out duty again. At least her car had working air conditioning. She was technically a nerd (Blanche had really done the reading), but it was too hot to really do anything comfortably - even listening to Morgan talk about Carmilla and humanity and thinking deeply. 

Blanche went rigid in her seat the second she felt the presence, her colored pen dropping down onto her notebook. She wouldn't have been overly concerned (she felt ghosts pass through campus all the time), but her conversation with Morgan after she warded up her house meant trouble or worse. As calmly as Blanche could manage, she tuned the lecture out as she sat back in her chair, quietly scanning the room with narrowed eyes as the temperature in the room plummeted. Fuck. Fuck. She swiveled around her seat, looking straight over the DIE boys and Adam’s head and straight into the ghosts’ angry eyes. 

Oh fuck. 

The color drained from her face as Blanche’s hand immediately shot into the air as she almost flew out of her seat. “Morgan-I-Have-A-Really-Important-Question!” Blanche blurted out immediately. 

Margot had all but fallen asleep in the sweltering heat of the classroom. It didn’t help that she’d been up half the night, awoken by her recurring night terror. Her mind was so tired. Still, Morgan was trying her best to be an engaging professor, to lead the class discussion in a formative direction. It was a pity Margot wasn’t interested in the class. She would Google the SparkNotes later.

Her eyes were just now closing, lulled by the dulcet tones of Morgan’s voice. It reminded her of a lullaby one of her nannies used to sing. So -- soothing… Sleepy...

Interrupted, jolted awake by the student behind her, knocking Margot’s seat as she stood up and began shouting for attention. Margot turned to give Blanche a hard stare, the girl flapping her hand back and forth. How rude.

Morgan was teasing out a comment from another student. Everyone was melting in their seats in the worst way but they were so close to stumbling upon the paradoxical existence of Carmilla’s complex humanity and the inhuman treatment she received in the narrative’s third act, the fear behind that swerve--- and then Blanche interrupted. “Uh...yes, Blanche?” This wasn’t usually her way, and neither was the two-notches-away-from-full-panic expression. “Go ahead. Unless the question is about excusing yourself because you’re not feeling well, because you can just...go, in that case.” 

Behind them, the window’s spider veins multiplied. The glass trembled in its pain, whimpering under the pressure of Constance’s grip. What had she expected when she drifted up to the campus, looking for signs of the woman? And yet, what could have prepared her for how blindingly smug she looked as she lectured her students? How shameless and bitterly ironic, to speak on humanity, on true feeling and justice? Constance barely noticed the blonde girl look at her. Her gaze was steadfast on Morgan, who sported neither a scratch nor an ounce of regret. Constance focused her energy on the glass, wispy tears running down her face. It wasn’t fair. If she didn’t get to have her life, she shouldn’t have to watch a Bachman run amok with theirs either. With a shriek, she  burst the window inward, hailing glass down on the whole class. 

Morgan ducked to cover her face gave Blanche a look that said, Oh, is that what you meant?

Adam’s eyes had flicked up when Blanche’s body language had changed, gaze scanning the room for anything new before settling back on her face. Adam was well aware that Blanche could perceive things he couldn’t. Just as Adam constantly felt waves of ice-hot inhumanity rippling off Professor Beck whenever he was in the same room as her, so too could Blanche be a sexier and less creepy version of that 6th Sense kid. 

Honestly Adam couldn’t tell if Blanche just was having a paranormal activity moment or was just nerdgasming about a vampy lesbian flick with a depressing lack of sex scenes. Blanche ticked off Miss Narcolepsy over there and for a few seconds Adam, Terry, and Andros sat up in mutual of some awesome cat-fight action. 

Then in one shitfuck moment glass was falling down and lots of people were doing the duck and panic thing. 

If this was a roomful of Hunter kids here, all Adam would have had to do was designate the extraction point at the nearest Safe Space and watch as everyone fell into a coordinated boot camp pace outta here.

Still he wasn’t sure if this was some structural thing, ghost stuff, or someone just popped some X-man powers from a Victorian sexual awakening. “Yo Harlow,” Adam said across the room as he tried to shake glass shards from his hair. “Got any Caspers?” 

Blanche had just grimaced at Margot when screams echoed from the surrounding students as glass scattered over the class. Pure driven panic flew through her, and she froze until she heard Adam yell out to her. Caspers. A much less important part of her mind screamed at talking about ghosts in public, but it was enough to check her back into reality

“Adam, she’s after Morgan!!” Blanche swore, clamping her hand over her ears as Constance let out another anguished scream. Fuck, that was disorienting. Students continued to panic, some running out the door as fast as they could as lights overheard started flickering and then exploding, the temperature dropping to a cool chill. Desks started flying towards their beloved professor, crashing against the whiteboard behind them. 

“Fuck, my bag, where’s my bag?” It had just been right next to her. 

The panicking students had punted her bag - full of salt, iron rods, an iron dagger, a gun, and wards-  away from her and she was trying to strong arm her way through to get to Morgan. Some poor student went flying as a chair was ripped from under him, a crunch of metal as the chair bent and snapped before their eyes. Blanche shoved someone out of her way, rushing toward the front of the room.

“Morgan, no!”

The sharp end of the now broken leg of the chair was rammed straight into Morgan’s stomach, pinning her to the whiteboard behind her. And then all hell broke loose.

Margot covered her head with her hands as glass sprayed across the room. She could feel the shallow cuts on her forearms where shards had spliced her skin, but the pain was an afterthought. Were her eyes deceiving her? Margot couldn’t fathom the chaos that was taking place. Flying desks, shattering windows; were they experiencing some kind of tornado?

While other students fled the room, Margot was frozen in place, watching as her professor was impaled by an invisible force and Blanche was shouting about her stupid bag. What purse was so important at this moment? “What the fuck is going on?!” Margot screamed over the chaos. 

None of this was real. She had surely just fallen asleep in class. Yes, this was all some part of her twisted nightmares. “This is a dream.” Margot whispered to herself. “You’re about to wake up.” She repeated this mantra as she pinched herself. Only she wasn’t waking up. 

The world shattered around Morgan. Sharp edges and razor points pinwheeled toward her face, too fast for her to catch her horrified reflection spliced through each piece. The fog around her senses parted; Morgan swore later that she felt every groove in the wood grain as it raced through her body, heavier and slower than the pole that had killed her, but no less painful. “Fuck you…” She hissed in a whisper, her lungs wheezing as they remembered the blood rushing through them, the bite of concrete at her back, and the numb feeling of death in her mouth. 

Constance screamed again as she drove the chair leg harder into the wall. “Stop! What’s wrong with you? Just stop! Stop and die!” The old overhead lights buzzed anxiously. Sparks burst and showered down on the class. Children. She hadn’t even been thinking about the children. Constance drifted back, staring with wild confusion as students phased in and out of her, neither seeing nor caring, much less understanding… What was she becoming? Constance reached out for a small one, squeezing himself under a chair as tightly as he could. “I’m sorry, it’s not you, it’s her. She’s making me do this, she can’t leave me alone!” The chair flew back against the wall and snapped in two.

Morgan’s body trembled, trying to fix itself and coming up against the chair leg in her chest. She gripped it with both hands and pulled, gasping as it inched out, dripping with dark, tar like blood. Her eyes found Margot’s as she struggled. “This. Is. Real,” she said between gasps. “Help Blanche or get out of here.”

Adam was a normally laid back guy, preferring to let non-monster life just proceed at its own pace. But he’d been conditioned to respond when the spooky side reared its head. He hollered to Terry, and Andros to get people out. Luckily instincts from the football field asserted themselves and the two other DIE started ushering students off. 

Adam’s backpack would probably be a national security concern and unfortunately most of the stuff in here could only harm physical threats. But nevertheless Adam withdrew a long cruel length of barbed wire that’d done more then  its fair share of strangling and trip-wire duty lately. The cold iron glinted beneath spots of rust and dried blood. 

Technically it was a weapon against Fae, but iron was iron. 

Adam could trust Blanche to do her ghostbusters stuff, while he could only help those he could see. He vaulted over twisted chairs as if they were track hurdles, trying to navigate a room quickly becoming a telekinetic warzone. Adam knelt beside Morgan, spooling out the suspiciously-stained barbed wire in a circle around them both. 

“Oh you’re still alive Prof ….cool, uh just a sec.” 

She’s making me do this, she can’t leave me alone. For a single moment, Blanche could almost understand Morgan inherently wanting to destroy Constance’s soul. There was no time, however, to dwell on Constance’s blatant hypocrisy woven in her rationalization of endangering a room full of people. She ducked under pieces of flying debris as Adam launched himself at Morgan. Blanche, already in a poor mood, wondered only briefly if she should be concerned about Adam killing Morgan for her obvious inhuman nature of surviving being impaled - would Morgan be necessary to kill for humanity?? - but decided that the only thing she could do right now was trust him, even through the underlying anger. 

Constance launched herself at Adam and Morgan, her infuriated scream echoing in Blanche’s ears as she realized she couldn’t pass the invisible wall the iron circle created. Blanche wasn’t thinking clearly as she frantically searched for her bag, head whipping around for the stupid thing. Before she knew it, though, she was throwing herself in front of Adam and Morgan just as a large piece of desk ripped from the floor and was thrown at them. 

Blanche’s hands raised out in front of her and there was a loud crash. 

She hardly registered the pain, she was used to it. Honestly, she was more thrown off by the large broken window in the back of the classroom the desk had flown out of. Whoops, maybe she had given that a little too much juice. The desk had sailed away from the three in front, going straight through Constance and crashing through the window. Screaming was erupting from the remaining students in the classroom.

“Please, get my bag!” Blanche snapped at Margot, breathing heavily. “It’s pink and white and it has things that can stop this. Now! I’ll try to stop her from doing any more damage to anyone else but I can only play ping pong for so long before I pass out!”

Despite Morgan’s words Margot couldn’t make herself believe this was reality. The black strands of blood that oozed from the professor’s wounds were enough to convince herself this was some kind of fever, probably the result of a concussion or even blood loss from her shallow wounds. Nonetheless Margot felt some kind of control, different than how her nightmares usually felt. 

Margot watched as one of the remaining students, she thought his name was Adam, bound over the anarchy that had taken over the classroom, before surrounding himself and Morgan in some kind of strange, ritualistic circle. Wow, her brain was so very good at conjuring things up, it had even given Blanche some Carrie-esque superpowers. Doing as Morgan had instructed, Margot turned to Blanche who was in the midst of quite the battle.

“Okay, okay! I can do that!” Margot yelled back to Blanche’s request. Pink and white, pink and white. She repeated the description to herself as she searched. Margot dodged the multitude of flying furniture as her eyes scanned the classroom floor for the bag. Margot thought back to where they had been sitting before all of this had started up. She looked in this direction, spotting the bag. Margot scrambled towards it on all fours, her palms and knees burning as she did so. “Blanche! I got it!” Just as her left hand clasped the object, she heard a deep crunch. A large overhead light had fallen, or rather, had been dropped onto her wrist by an unseen force. Margot could feel a shattering in her bones and glass in her skin. She cried out. For a dream, this pain felt so very real. She reached out with her other hand, taking hold of the bag. Margot shook the heavy light fixture off of her and cradled the injury. “Here.” She whimpered, holding it up as high as she could manage, the splinters and glass digging in deeper.

Morgan tugged on the chair leg in her chest. She could imagine how it splintered around her body and all the screaming she would’ve been doing if she’d still had a life to lose. Should she scream now? Would it make anything any better if she made a big ol’ holler and begged for someone to make this stop? Would any of this be any less ridiculous? Morgan started to laugh. It was a deathly, wheezing little rattle at first, but as the chair leg popped free and she fell into her student, it grew stronger. “Well that was weird and random and lucky, right?” She said to Adam. The classroom was still flying in chaos. Half the students had made it out but half a dozen remained, most of them cowering in corners or frozen in shock. “Class dismissed!” She called chucking the chair leg at Constance. It sailed through her and clattered against the wall, bopping Maxine on the head. “Apologies! But, seriously, go!” What else was there to do? There was some very gnarly looking wire around her and Adam that looked suspiciously purposeful. She gave him a sidelong look, brow arched in a silent question as she knelt down and reached outside it for her bag. “Can you see what’s going on?” She asked, running her hand through, but finding everything but what she was looking for. She undid all the zippers and flaps and started to dump the contents on the ground. “Don’t see many frat boys carrying this in their backpack. I’m not sure if that’s technically allowed on campus…” But anxious blabbering wasn’t actually making anything better. She needed to find-- her salt! “Perfect.” Morgan opened the velvet pouch and heaved the contents across the floor. The salt pattered the ground like rain. It spread thin, rolling wide across the dusty tile. Constance flew up to one of the chairs still standing, unharmed. She clenched her fists as she took in the double barrier between her and her ‘prize.’ “Sorry to keep disappointing you,” Morgan sneered, her eyes drifting downwards at her failed ploy. The feeling was mutual.

Adam had known Morgan was an inhuman since first being in class with her and feeling the frigid fire sensation her proximity set off all through his body. But though Adam had been born with the clairvoyant ability to sense all supernatural creatures, well those with physical bodies anyway, his Hunter vibes weren’t as specific as those who’d undergone more specific mutation. Morgan could have just been the world’s biggest pixie for all he knew. 

 But since the prof was taking this whole impalement thing like a champ, Adam was placing his bets on one of the undead. Since he’d seen her during the day without wickerman shit going down, the Hunter was going to very tentatively put his money on his gothic lit teacher being a zombie.

Was Morgan Beck actually a two hundred and twenty something year old Mary Shelly moonlighting as a Texan? Time would tell. 

Morgan asked some rather uncharitable questions of why a gentleman was carrying bloodstained barbed wire in his bag and if he could see anything. “Trying to keep cows outta the keggers,” he explained cheekily before turning to survey the madness going on. He wanted to help Blanche and not just chill in this iron circle, but the simple fact was: “Can’t see anything except shit flying everywhere and Harlow doing some cheer squad poses.”

“Morgan! Adam! Stay in the circle!” Blanche yelled frantically. Playing telekinetic interference was harder than she thought, and she didn't want them to get hurt chucking trying to chuck salt. Out of frustration, Constancee stopped aiming at Adam and Morgan and aimed at Blanche herself, seeing it faster to go through her. Debris was building up as Blanche redirected things to slam into the walls, Constance howling in rage at her failures. 

Finally, Margot yelled to her, and Blanche heard the best news of the day. Unfortunately, Constance wasn’t deaf. “No! Fuck -” She saw the light fall, and feared the worst - but Margot was okay, for now, holding her bag high enough for all to see. “Margot, run! Or take cover!!” Blanche reached out her hand, and her bag flew through the air. Constance tried to rip it down away from Blanche, causing salt and books and a small dagger to go clattering to the ground. Blanche tugged back, the pain in her head excruciating as she gave one hard mental yank, and it flew back into her. Blanche wasted no time; she finally grasped her iron rod tightly, throwing her bag to the side.  Constance threw things, trying to knock her off balance to get her away or worse. There was no use. Blanche ducked or threw them away herself before she was close enough to --

“This doesn’t concern you! Run like the others, why don’t you! Run, before I--”

Blanche cut Constance off with a hard swing of the iron rod. She dissolved with one last scream, and the presence faded away quickly. Blanche felt like her skin was on fire, but the tiny pin pricks in her skin were gone. They were alone. It was over. She looked back to where Adam and Morgan were, their figures blurring as the rod slipped from her hand. “She’s gone. It’s safe.” Blanche’s knees buckled underneath her and she collapsed, utterly exhausted. “Call 9-1-1, Margot’s hurt.” Blanche called quietly. She laid backward, unable to keep herself upright as she closed her eyes tight and sank into darkness. Time to rest.

The bag flew from her grasp, and at Blanche’s order, Margot reduced her form to a fetal position, not knowing if she could make it to the exit. She covered her head and drifted in and out of consciousness, her mind forgetting, or rather, repressing the memory of what had just occurred.

Margot was awoken by Constance’s piercing scream, her ears continuing to ring from the sound for minutes afterwards, but at least she was back to the real world. Finally she was out of the strange scenario her brain had conjured up after the tornado, or hurricane, or whatever it was. 

She began to stand, holding her head. “I’m okay. I’m fine!” Margot assured Blanche and the rest of them, though her body was throbbing. “Blanche?” Margot could see the girl’s crumbled frame on the ground. “Blanche!” Margot ran to her and kneeled beside her. She brought her head to Blanche’s chest and heard the slow thumping of her heart. At least she was alive. Margot took Blanche’s hand, not knowing how else to be useful. “Professor, are you okay?” She looked back at Morgan and Adam.

It never felt like it was over, with Constance. Morgan stayed still, trembling and on high alert. It wasn’t until Blanche’s body slipped to the ground with a thud that she snapped back into step with the rest of the world. All the wrecked furniture leapt out at her eyes, super saturated with violence, confounding her sense of space with their jutting wrong angles, dusty debris, and bloody ends… blood…

“I-I’m fine,” Morgan stammered, stepping over Adam’s wire ring. “Who all is still in here? Adam, you’re good, right? Margot--” She stumbled over to the girl, looking at the mess of her wrist. “You’re gonna need to get to student health, or the hospital. But you’ve in one piece, and you’re gonna be okay!” She squeezed the girl’s shoulder, nodding encouragingly. If it wasn’t for the dark stain of dead blood on her cardigan, you wouldn’t have known she’d been run through and stuck to the wall only minutes ago. “Blanche--” she sighed, shrugged, and stepped over the girl. She would be okay. Morgan could carry her out to her car and get her squared up in her own apartment easy. “Carlos!” She gave the boy a sharp look. 

He was grinning sheepishly, scrunched up in the corner, as if it would make him any smaller than his six feet two inches. “Sorry. It just seemed, like, better to try to be invisible?  But I’m going now. I’m--”

Carlos paled and bent double as he vomited cheetos, acid, and clear fluid on the floor.

Morgan followed his line of vision and found-- “Shit, Maxine! Maxine?” She pushed the rest of the classroom furniture aside and knelt down to where she lay on the floor. There was a deep gash in her head, soaking her sandy brown hair black. Her eyelid hung down the wrong way and there was some kind of matter sticking up through her hair. Morgan’s stomach clenched. She didn’t dare touch her like this. There was no telling how few barriers there were between her brain and Morgan now, or if there was any tender, fresh-peeled skin she’d crave taking a bite of-- Maxine had been quiet, depressed, wry humored, blunt when you could get her to open up. She really wasn’t good at explicating literature into coherent theory, but she was young and soft and struggling, and now she was nothing. “Carlos--” she said, voice shaking. “Please leave. All of you…” She turned around and collected Blanche off the floor and into her arms. “Grab your stuff, or don’t, but we’re not staying here. It’s not safe.” It was starting to seem like nowhere was.

“I’m alright Professor,” Adam quietly gathered both his and Blanche’s occult paraphernalia while the Medium was being attended to by Morgan. Though salt, iron, and other instruments were unlikely to arouse that much suspicion, it didn’t make sense to take any chances in this town. He packed up his backpack and Blanche’s bag and slung them as a shoulder as the room was vacated. 

But though Adam pretended to be wholly engrossed in packing and ushering the vomiting remaining students out the door, the Hunter kept an eye on Professor Beck. If Morgan was what Adam thought she was, or some other rarer variety of undead, then she’d have to be closely observed when around the wounded students. 

If she slipped up? Well with those gnarly injuries it’d be pretty plausible that a beloved literature professor perished in the hospital complication. There’d be a whole weepy story in the student paper and everything. 

With Blanche safely cradled in Morgan’s arms, Margot let go of the girl's hand. She sensed that Blanche was in safe hands with the professor. As everyone began to exit, Margot took a second to gather herself. She wasn’t entirely sure what had just happened, but she was not in any mood to find out right now. Using her one good arm, she hoisted her backpack over her shoulder. There was no way she was leaving her laptop behind. How else was she going to figure all of this out? 

The room was empty now, the rest of the class being ushered out by Morgan and Adam. Margot stood in the doorway for a few moments, admiring the destruction, before following the rest of the group out into the hall and presumably to the hospital. 

Constance screamed silently, reaching within her soul for something to sew herself back together again. The world broke into starlight flashes, too bright and formless to mean anything. Her mind blazed. Was she dying again? Was she going back to the purgatory before this new world? To hell? She wondered the same every time she was struck and dissipated. The magic of death was strange to her and she did not know when it would be ripped away as suddenly as it had been ripped into her. When the winds of fear that had scattered her to the wilds fell and the world was still once more, she could see the room where she had shattered it, and within, puddles of salt laid to tell her how much she did not belong and was not wanted, as if she did not spend her existence with that clarity in abundance. But beyond the salt, and dripping slowly into it, was the darkness of thick blood protruding from the head of a young girl.

Constance flew to the broken classroom walls. She would reach all the way through to the girl if her body would only will itself solid again. But she was only air, and the salt had spilled too close to the wall for her to come through. She spied the dead girl only from a distance, taking in the judgement from her unblinking eyes. What have I done? She thought. What have I done?

You have crushed me, the girl’s body seemed to say. You have proven them right.

If Constance could have wept for them both she would have. What cruelty was this, that she set out to strike down only one soul and take a life as miserable and innocent as her own had once been? She sent the thought away on the wind, lest it destroy her further. 

“I will show them,” she whispered to the air. “I will show them all what true monsters are.”

[ifeveristoday]

well, that escalated quickly

The first card of the Major Arcana, The Fool is generally a positive card indicating new beginnings. If it appears in your readings it could mean that you are on the verge of an exciting, unexpected new adventure. Your new adventure will bring you along a path which may require you to make a leap of faith but you will grow as a result of this new experience. This new adventure could be a literal new adventure, like travelling to a place you’ve never been before. The change this card can bring will usually be a welcome one. While the Fool is generally a positive card, its appearance in a reading can also indicate that you need to take the time to look before you leap. [x]

Even when reversed, the Fool is an indicator of newness; as well as the purity and open-hearted energy of a child. This is generally considered a positive card, with the caveat that it's important to take time to be sure that you are "looking where you're going." In reversal, The Fool can show that there is a need for a new beginning, but that there is some hesitancy about making it happen. [x] 

When the Fool card is reversed, you are encountering an unfinished side of yourself, a part still caught in the shadows of ignorance or immaturity. An emotional reflex or psychological attitude could be holding you back from responding authentically and naturally.

Release yourself from any dogmas or taboos so your natural truthfulness and instinct for right action can be restored. [x]

Light some incense and find a crushed velvet vest and let’s get to issue 16 of Buffy.

Spoilers, as always underneath the cut. Also long and semi-rambly so if you’re new to this tumblr...yeah. 

Short version: There’s a thing I’m not sure I like yet, the usual layer cake of THEMES and how it all ties together, and good character stuff.

Wow. So they’re really going there with Buffy and Evil! Xander. But it’s not like the comic hasn’t left crumbs of a potential -- something happening between them. Vamp! Xander’s first confrontation with Buffy was a crude sexual come-on, which she rebuffed very quickly, and then when he had his soul, there was an ambiguous hug between them in Hellmouth. Xander’s feelings about Buffy have always been pretty clear. 

And while I’m not thrilled that in the year 2020 we still can’t have a platonic relationship between Buffy and Xander (like, I joke about this being a Point to the reboot that Joss insisted on, but of course that’s just speculation. But come on. He totally would), it’s not like the comic was not giving clues, clunky though some of them may be. Buffy’s Slayer dream of Vamp! Xander and Vamp! Her, Robin’s oddly insistent interrogation of Buffy’s feelings for Xander, the dinosaur gift of Zeppo, and Buffy’s own ambivalence toward Robin as a real potential boyfriend. 

Issue 14 (which I still haven’t written a thorough post about) showcases (not explicitly written as such, but the characteristics are there) a PTSD-afflicted Buffy, who has lost both of her best friends in a matter of weeks. She’s not on good terms with her mother, Giles is still weird after his descent into magically induced MRA-ness and not exactly comforting her, and having to accept the reality of Kendra being a Slayer as well. There’s a lot of anxiety, jealousy, and survivor’s guilt thrown in there as well, and we all know Buffy’s favorite thing to do when she’s going through a lot of pain: ISOLATE HERSELF. 

And then here’s Robin, telling her he’s on her side and is a friendly face and Buffy seizes that emotional life line and decides, well if I can’t like myself (this is referenced in Issue 15), Robin will do it for me. It’s a lonely, but understandable grasp at something normal and not...the reality of her present life.

Except Robin realizes he can’t be Buffy’s emotional support almost-boyfriend, and that Buffy has a martyr complex where she can’t be just the hero but also the villain in her own story - she takes on all of the fault but none of the help and love that does exist in her life.

He tells her that one of her problems is that she just doesn’t like herself.

And it’s a hard truth for Buffy to bear but she admits it.

Issue 16 dips into Buffy’s mixed up feelings re: love and connection and the thread that ties it together is the tarot card Jenny pulls from her spread to read to Dolly, her cat.

Best reveal of the reboot so far, no I won’t take any objections. Her cat! Is named Dolly! Possibly after Dolly Parton, stealth producer of BtVS!

Jenny, lone human adult voice of Reason, pulls the upside down Fool and I’ve included three meanings of it up above. The reason why I think it’s a common thread for this issue is because in Buffy’s slayer dream where she’s riding Zeppo the Symbolism? What Symbolism Dinosaur with Xander (with some terrible punning), Buffy says that they can’t let Zeppo drive, he’s too young and doesn’t know how to get to where they’re going. Xander replies, “Do you even remember where we’re going?”

And prior to this Buffy worries that they’re going too fast and to slow down. 

This could signify a number of things - definitely new beginnings with Evil! Xander and the changed nature of his relationship to Buffy, Buffy’s personal fear that she doesn’t know what’s happening, only that it is too fast, and the fact they’re both so young. And for the moment, Xander will forever be this young. And with his reputation as being the ‘funny’ one, Xander could also be considered a Fool. 

He’s in a state of being unfinished - he’s never going to experience the trials of regular adulthood, the personal milestones a human being has. And Buffy is unfinished in that she’s not done growing up, but she is also the Slayer, which requires a level of sacrifice that other girls her age wouldn’t experience.

Jenny pulling this card - well, there’s the unfinished nature of her relationship with Giles, they’re broken up but still pining over each other, and the fact that she doesn’t seem to have stayed in touch with anyone in the Scoobies? And her only confidante seems to be her cat. Which, no judgement, cats are good listeners.

Dolly is also a good detector of Ye Olde Supernatural Bullshit, as she senses something bad behind Jenny’s all of a sudden visitor, and Hulk! Giles a few issues back.

It is of course, Xander, who is gleefully pleased that it was that easy to trick Jenny into inviting him in.

Fade into black- sort of, as the next step is Xander playing mind games via text.

Right after Buffy has her weird dinosaur dream, she tries to google meanings of it, as well as sending Willow texts in a long chain of non replied thread, updating her about what’s been happening in Sunnydale in her absence. I noticed she used a similar - “I’ll be here for you” in her message to Rose, and I think that’s Buffy’s way of changing. She wants to be there for her people, instead of avoiding them.

And she gets a text (Miss me?) from Xander, which prompts her to run to Giles and Kendra. 

This is a neat(?) reference to how Xander got catfished by Drusilla when she texted him from Buffy’s phone. God, the way this sentence sounds out of context to an TV canon fan.

ANYWAY.

Buffy states that Xander died the night the Hellmouth closed, and they had a candlelight vigil and his parents barely leave the house - which makes me think while Hank Summers is a bastard in every ‘verse, Boom! has a good dad for Robin, Joyce and Eric for Buffy, and apparently good parents for Willow and Xander as well. Yay.

Kendra, who is more objective than Buffy and Giles can be regarding Xander, theorizes that Xander’s disappearance might not be death in a final sense, but rather his soul disappearing. Which causes the question, where has his body been this whole time? Also, I see that I Robot, You Jane easter egg, Jordie.

Setting Jenny’s house on fire, that’s what. Giles gets a similarly upsetting text on his phone, and they run to her house. Buffy and Kendra immediately throw themselves into save the cat (and Jenny!) mode and run into Evil! Xander. Quite literally - Xander grabs Kendra by the neck and throws her out of the window from the second floor - don’t worry, she survives.

We can’t be fridging the POC this early, after all.

Then it’s Xander and Buffy’s first glimpse of each other since Hellmouth, and standard enemy banter ensues - Xander says it’s just them and Buffy snaps that it’s only in his dreams. Then the staircase starts cracking due to the fire’s heat and Buffy’s thisclose to falling off when Xander grabs her, and in his human mask tells her that it could just be them together, if she wants it. Buffy takes Kendra’s advice to stop feeling and just think, and kicks Xander in a jump with both her feet aimed at his chest. Also she says she’d rather die than let that happen, which...I really hope aren’t famous last words.

The fool card flutters down and lands on Buffy’s forehead, reminding her that she’s on a rescue mission for Jenny. Who is nowhere to be found, but Dolly leaps into Buffy’s arms, and she carries her out.

Giles, Kendra and Buffy reconvene at Giles’s and try to figure out why Xander targeted Jenny. 

Giles, who started the issue being a concerned mentor has grown smaller and less confident toward the end as he asks Buffy and Kendra to find Jenny. Buffy vows that they’re going to make Xander pay. Giles sadly agrees and then leaves to show Dolly the garden.

Let me pause a moment to cry about the fact that Giles is showing Jenny’s cat the garden.

Kendra and Buffy bond, sincerely, for the first time since Kendra made her appearance. Sister slayers, fuck yeah! Also, I love Kendra’s characterization and I hope she stays for a long time. And not die.

There’s a thawing there as each switch positions - Kendra tells Buffy it’s okay that she feels the way she feels, as Buffy tells her, no, she’s right, Xander isn’t the boy she knew, and to treat him like he’s just a regular vampire.

Then she admits she’s not sure if she misses Xander, or if it’s something else, to which Kendra replies, “I think when you know, you know.”

And Buffy asks her like her and Rose - and Kendra confirms it.

Just as Kendra’s words end the issue, Willow - who could be OG timeline Willow, or an Alternate Verse Willow, comes into the light and holds Rose’s hand.

DRAAAAMA.

So. Xander and Buffy heading toward something, Kendra/Rose confirmed, Giles has now adopted Dolly, Jenny’s status: Currently Unknown.

And Willow?

Though with the Fool, there’s that meaning of new adventures and travelling to a place you’ve never been before. That sums up Willow’s current journey so far.

[iwanthermidnightz]

The following is the summary of Kate’s latest episode on Taylor. Forgive the back and forth and random points... Kate likes to ramble. It was literally an hour and a half of that but she did bring up some good points. This is her analyzing ‘The Archer’ among other things! For the record, I’m writing from her perspective/direct words.

————————————————-

-Thinks The Archer is beautiful, ethereal, and lush

-It’s very Donna Lewis, very Robyn, it’s a nostalgic sound, very Jack Antonoff, very Lorde Melodrama.. its a certain sound reverberating female celestial voices that reminds her of the 90s and she likes it

-It’s a promo single which means it’s released to promote the album, it’s not released to radio stations for airplay- no music video

-Sounds transitional, unfinished song… it’s building

-Released to convey a level of emotional vulnerability

-Taylor said in radio interviews in the UK that this album is very pure and it’s not in response to something like she said reputation was

-“Lover is about what songs would I write for the sake of writing songs? Most of them are about love in the sense that they’re a love letter to love itself”

-We’re in an era with VERY little information

-We’ve seen Joe twice in 2019 (go figure)

-Taymerica, Squad, Calvin, we see her all the time

-Then she gets in this mysterious private ‘relationship’ with Joe almost so much so that there’s no reason to speculate or think about her personal life because it’s so under the radar and she’s never officially talked about him

-She automatically likes his Instagram posts within 2 minutes which a lot of us think is some sort of thing Instagram does for people like her

-She has a theory Taylor and Taylornation can see stories without read receipts (duh)

-The Archer represents a person that's reflecting on their behavior and their patterns and thinking about their relationships in life and thinking about the role of self-sabotage as it relates to your personal relationships

-Talks about the dive bar situation, she needs to spend more time thinking about it

-She talks about the easter eggs leading up to the archer and debates whether Taylor planned this out 3 years ago because of the archer angel in the delicate mv, and the way the people in the delicate mv see right through her, it makes sense

-She always wondered what aspects of Taylors personal life is a media narrative. What has she actually confirmed herself? What are these songs really saying?

-She thinks the songs on reputation sound like really closeted anthems

-It’s none of her business what her sexuality is but it is her business to interpret her songs the way any open-minded person should

-So much of reputation she really read being about a relationship with a woman because it was so grounded in secrecy, quiet moments, darkest little paradise, happened for the first time, I don’t want you like a best friend, everybody thinks that they know us but they know nothing about us, I loved you in spite of deep fears that the world would divide us, I had a bad feeling… (yes she named them all in the same breath)

-Lyrics have never been about the protection and privatization of involuntarily public love, they’ve been lyrics about a perception of a forbidden love -It’s one thing to hide from the paparazzi, and to be like “something happens when everybody finds out, loose lips sink ships all the damn time”, recites ‘I Know Places’ basically- calls it a closeted anthem because Taylor literally comes out of closet doors on the 1989 tour.

-Thinks there are themes in Taylors songs that she might miss as a straight person and doesn’t want to discount them

-She was reading an article in Vulture written by none other than known Kaylor truther Jill Gutowitz, mentioned how Jill very openly talks about Gaylor and Karlie Kloss and even recently Tree Paine liked one of her tweets

-Tree Paine is a mastermind and has boots on the ground everywhere (Indeed she is!)

-Thinks the Tree Paine like was strategic

-Jill said in an article that there were implicitly queer lyrics placed throughout ‘The Archer’: ‘pace like a ghost’, ‘heroes die all alone’, ‘help me hold onto you’, dying alone and holding on to someone who isn’t right for you are all important tenants of the lesbian canon (shes quoting Jill)

-Kate did not pick up on any of that cause shes straight haha

-Mentions how Taylors fans are divided by those who think her songs are blatantly queer and those who don’t and believe the Toe relationship is real bc the media shows them that and they believe it firsthand (true)

-She quotes the reputation prologue “when the album comes out gossip blogs will scour the lyrics for the men they can attribute to each song as if the inspiration for music is as simple and basic as a paternity test and there will be slideshows and photos backing up each incorrect theory because it’s 2017 and if you didn’t see a picture of it it didn’t happen right? Let me say it again louder for those in the back… we think we know someone but the truth is that we only know the version of them that they have chosen to show us.”

-Kate says that those are her actual straightforward words and you can’t read that and say that it's not okay to believe in things we haven’t seen or that it’s calling her a liar to only believe what we’ve seen if she is telling us to our faces that we think we know her but the truth is we only know the version of herself that she has chosen to show us

-That is an admission of Taylor being strategic in what we know, and a ton we don’t know

-The prologue should’ve opened up the doors for an and all theories to be fair game but somehow it divided the fandom deeper than she’s ever seen

-Calling her a liar about what she’s told us thus far is not fair (it takes a mature person to understand that)

-The Taylor Swift strategic businesswoman who keeps us on our toes waiting for new music and clues is part of her success- not all. But there is a difference between that Taylor and the Taylor she is behind closed doors. She’s still a person. So to say she's a liar is not right.

-We can’t imagine what it takes to be in her position and not have lost her mind yet

-Maybe shes had a breakdown but we haven’t seen it (wasn’t that her disappearance before reputation?)

-Kate goes back to ‘The Archer’ and her internal struggle

-She read something that Taylor liked on Tumblr where someone said that The Archer is the song version of her poem called “If you’re anything like me”... epiphany.

-The song is about talking about her shortcomings while simultaneously accepting them and saying if you’re anything like me I’m sorry but you’ll be fine

-Kate recites the whole poem now lol

-Showcases a lot of strength in your weakness and pointing out the importance of going through these things in order to find oneself and to acknowledge that some things are just pillars of the way you are

-Back to the archer - this song is about the unwelcome justice system in her head in terms of patterns, knowing how she's going to react, in terms of wishing she were another way and objectively being able to see that but not being able to feel that is a very human experience to constantly be in between your head and your heart

-You only know your own experience, anyone that's hurt you stays in your subconscious or otherwise and we often react in response or defense of it and when she’s saying “no amount of friends at 25 will fill the empty seats at the lunch tables of your past and the teams that picked you last but darling, you keep trying”

-She has been criticized so many times and publicly taken down, shes felt like she can't do anything right at times

-Brings up the ME! Performance at the Billboard awards and no one talked about the performance, just that she ‘copied Beyonce’

-Stuff like that that was not intentional is often pegged on her for better or worse, correct or not

-To be accused of copying or being tone-deaf when shes probably orchestrated this team to make sure none of that happened would be so thankless and frustrating and sometimes the hate is louder

-At times in her career, she's had no choice but to jump to her own overwhelming defense

-You can't trust a lot of people if you are easily used and you do have to be somewhat cut and dry and I think that being put in an environment where it benefits you to be cut and dry because there are so many shady people but maybe she doesn’t really want to be

-She has no choice but to be black or white about her life and feelings and standing up for herself

-Back to The Archer- Kate doesn’t understand the point of “I’ve been the archer, I’ve been the prey”

-It’s kind of like I’ve been the attacker and I’ve been the victim, I’ve had the upper hand and I’ve had the lower hand, I’ve been the dumper and I’ve been dumped

-Kate thinks Taylor’s been on the attack and defense and she knows what it feels like to be treated the exact same way she treats people and therein lies the issue

-That’s a confusing thing to process in your head period and to communicate in a song is inevitably going to be a little bit frantic and convoluted but that's kind of the point. The anxiety of how you handle things and how you accept yourself despite the way you likely mishandle things

-Taylor starts out saying “I’m ready for combat” in the most reluctant, delicate voice that is not indicative of somebody ready for combat

-That sounds like somebody who is a reluctant participant in their own patterns and they don’t want to be doing it but they know they’re going to and they know they’ll do it again

-These patterns and issues that we have exhibit over and over the reason for self-loathing and it's almost harder when you’re older and can acknowledge that you do these things and they don’t work for you but I still do them anyway

-It’s that self awareness paired with the active participation in these bad habits that make a person really start to doubt themselves and in using figures of speech like “I cut off my nose just to spite my face”, like that cuts deep bc she's basically being like “I overreact and I know I do and on purpose”

-In acting out of anxiety and fear you often end up riding off alone

-At a point you see people come and go, you know how this whole song and dance goes, at a point you start to mourn it before it's over

-That’s kind of like “yeah I never figured out the best way to maintain these relationships and I’m tired of it, I never grew up, I don’t know why I am this way but since I know they come and go and since I’ve always ridden on the train alone that probably what I’ll do again but with your help, help me hold onto you… like I want you to be the exception”

-We all think of ourselves as a catch and a trainwreck and it’s not a bad thing

-Looking for someone’s flaws is something everyone does in relationships

-As it relates to in the past when she’s been burned by somebody’s dark side she wants to call it when she sees it and lock the door before she gets robbed but then there's the conflicting part where she’s like “well what I’m alright, what if I can trust you and I’m alright right here?”

-The entire song is kind of like a back and forth of opposing feelings

-To cut off your nose to spite your face is basically a metaphor for overreacting

-She brings up the Hiddleswift stunt and Taylor revealing that she was Nils Solberg for some reason (connecting it to the metaphor)

(KATE IS RAMBLING SO I’M ONLY ADDING IMPORTANT THINGS NOW)

-We’re so quick to discount people's feelings just because they're in a position of fame and fortune and power but I think we would all feel no less us with money if anything everything’s intensified

-Taylor must have to put up a front all the time because she's not allowed to complain or have bad days when that is your normal and any therapist will tell you you can only heal operating out of your own normal.

-Pain is pain and when you start to compare pain is when you start to trivialize, minimize and not work through what you’re going through and you start to avoid/ignore it

-Taylors in a weird position where she probably has a more internal struggle that anybody

-Through her music we should acknowledge and think about what it’s like on that side, we owe her the respect to be like damn.. this must be hard

-Talks about the “all the king's horses” line and Humpty Dumpty

-All of the resources and people trying to help Taylor at her disposal and they still can’t fix this and that is an empty feeling, like a lost cause

-When Kate hears ‘The Archer’ she hears a highly anxious episode that is not just processing the individual situation going on but then doing a thing where you project it on every single thing that's ever going to happen in your life

OK FIN.

[kurtty-drabbles]

Ocean au (part 11)

N/A: Ok, further the plot. MJ is a spy for Killmonger and others stuff happen.

@djinmer4 @dannybagpipesarecalling @bamfoftheundead

"Ok, remember your line?" MJ asked Peni Parker as the Korean teen finally put her cellphone down and as MJ suggested is using that typical cliche of Kawai Asian girl to her advantage as no one will question why a cute girl is doing in such place.

"Yes, yes" Peni mutters impatiently "I´m an America-Korean girl and you´re my loving aunt taking me to a fun weekend in New Gotham" and fake baiting her eyes as a cute girl would until she morphs into a grin. "I got it, the cover must be believable and not attract the wrong type of attention, I´m not a moron...I´m a pro, MJ" Peni belittles and MJ sighs as she just wants to make sure.

The Hilton Hotel was very expensive, but, as it makes part of their disguise. "Wait, you´re Dexter Maximon´s wife" the receptionist is a bit flabbergasted as Dexter´s Maximon is a legend and the hotel has an unspoken rule to treat everyone under Dexter´s name as VIP.

(Dexter´s wife is a red hair just like MJ. And his wife has a sister who did marry a Korena man and had a daughter with features like Peni, thankfully, the staff does not keep up with the current Dexter´s family or they would notice some discrepancy on Peni and the real Dexter´s niece)

Peni looks amused as the receptionist gives the key for their room and when MJ asks for discretion as her husband is crafting something important, the receptionist, the loyal fan, promised to be discreet as possible.

Peter Ross is in the Hilton Hotel to pick up a friend and as he leaves the lobby, his friend is waving at him, Peter passed down MJ´s red hair and almost make the man make a double take but as Gwen waves at him again, Peter decided against.

Besides, it's not like he´ll see that woman again.

"Thanks to meet me here, Gwen, I want to show you something!"

"Lead the way, Peter"

________________________________________________________________________________

Ororo is a woman who prefers more a nice cup of tea than coffee, yet, she often has some 5 minutes free to take one with her oldest friend, Logan Wayne. Usually, the conversation takes place on New Gotham´s newest freak show or Logan´s undying love for Talia.

Today, however, is different as Logan is more silent than the usual and stares at Ororo, internally, she knows what´s this will be about, but, pretend to be dumb just to avoid such conversation.

"Ro, we know each other for years, you´re one of my oldest friends, so, why are you doing something like that?" Logan asked having some theories on his own but still wanting to hear her version.

"Logan...there´s things that are better not knowing" Ororo respond keeping her cool down and refusing to share any more information and, of course, Logan is not taking this nicely.

"So, you just ask Columbina to steal the ruby for you just because?"

"That ruby is from Wakanda, Logan, and is not what it seems ...Logan, if we do get involved in this, we may start an international conflict that may result in war"

"For a ruby?"

"For Wakanda"

"Can I trust you, Ororo?"

"Is all I can ask you, my friend"

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Felicia waves at Kitty in the gift shop of the museum where the ruby is still in display among with many, many other valuable things who are getting many flashes from cameras and tourist guides offering explanations about its origins. Felicia is dressed modestly and is hard to conceive she´s married to a billionaire.

"Hey, Felicia. Got any cute monkeys?" Kitty asked taking a plushie in her hand carefully. No one dares to question the origin of the monkey, the plushie. Is New Gotham after all, so, everyone is better not knowing the murderous origin of monkey, the plushie.

"Bruce has enough cute plushies for life" Felica jokes as no one would believe that Bruce really is a fan of plushies. "Anyway, I want to ask you something, two things" Felicia starts walking around with Kitty in the gift shop(who would suspect of two women talking, even more, when one of them is holding the secretly murderous monkey the plushie in her hand?!)

"If this is about boob window, rest assured, Lorna told me is a bad idea, so..." Kitty sighs forlon and almost heartbroken "no boob window for me" and Felicia is unsure if she laughs or takes pity on Kitty, then she resolves on both, both are perfectly fine.

Once stopping laughing and patting at Kitty´s hand in sympathy and getting a stink eye from Kitty. Felicia starts again. "No, I want to know about your future, do you plan to be a  freelancer forever?"

"I...don´t know, I´m really good at this so...not sure if I can migrate to any other area" Kitty then adds quickly still holding the murderous plushie before Felicia can say anything else. "Your case was different from mine. Bruce loved you very much and still do, me? I don´t have billionaires after me and I´m not sure if I can be hero material. I can help, sure, but, I can´t call myself one. I know you, Meggan and Wanda are thinking, but, no...I think the Robin Hood person suits me better"

Felicia would like to argue, but, then again, Dark Claw did make a good point, only Columbina is not talking about joining the group and that´s the only opinion they should take in consideration.

"Fine, I think you´re wrong, but, fine. So, my next question, are you dating someone?" Felicia asked amused and adds before Kitty can answer. "Kitty, if you are to tell me you did date an eldritch abomination at some point...I would believe you and be extremely worried"

Kitty looks at Felicia. Felicia stares at Kitty.

"Kitty, I´ll scream and cause a scene if you say what I think you´ll"

Kitty looks at Felicia. Felicia stares at Kitty. And Felicia throws the monkey, the plushie out of Kitty´s hand and points her finger at Kitty who is really amused.

"Ok, so, let´s say that at the moment, I´m single....why?" Kitty replies taking another plushie one that has even more obscure and scary origin story, but, is New Gotham and hardly anyone will notice it.

"Kitty, Bruce will give a party and you´re invited and you must have a date," Felicia said tossing her plushie out again.

"A date? Wait, what if I went with a woman? will your husband...." Kitty asked and Felicia shakes her head.

"Frankly, as long is human, scratch that, as long is not evil and making a drama, Bruce won´t care"

_________________________________________________________________________-

"So your son is giving a party...and you´re inviting me?" Ryder asked with his basket full of clean clothes now. His grin is enough to make Logan reconsider the invitation "I didn´t know you care and people will talk..." Ryder teased amused as people love to speculate Logan´s sexuality much to the older man´s chagrin.

"You´ll have to bring a date, Ryder, and try to bring someone discreet, last year you brought one of your flings...who you were double time and it was uncomfortable for everyone"

That takes a peg on Ryder who is a bit more modest now. "No more, I promise, and yes, I´ll bring a nice date, promise"

"Good"

[shutterupp31]

Toxic masculinity-Whats wrong with our boys?

For centuries men have been condemned for acts of aggression, violence, and sexism, contributing to the ongoing popularity of the phrase ‘toxic masculinity’ which distinguishes these traits as toxic and unhealthy. The American psychological association have even recently introduced new guidelines for therapists working with both men and boys, indicating that early signs of extreme ‘traditional masculine behaviour’ can root themselves in personality traits that encourage outcomes of violence and misogyny, and must be disestablished early.

With the increase in male suicide rates and drug overdoses in the western world, combined with the rise of fourth wave feminism, as you can imagine, the debate on toxic masculinity is becoming all the more relevant amongst both genders. Mass media have blamed toxic masculinity for rape, mass shootings, online trolling, climate change and even the election of Donald Trump.

BUT is the phrase toxic masculinity actually helpful, accurate or universal? Let's discuss. 

Like any phrase or term regularly recycled within gender debate, the stereotypes it highlights have divided peoples opinions drastically, a predictable conflict that has most definitely contributed to the terms rise, (Yay politics). On the right we have many conservatives who allege that the charges of toxic masculinity is itself an attack on manhood. With mental health problems amongst males consistently rising, combined with the challenges the men's right movement already face, including paternity rights, homelessness, education to name a FEW, these people argue that it is dangerous and unfair to strip boys of what some would say is a necessity for them to discover their true selves as men in their time of need.

On the other side we see many ‘progressives’ who believe that the detoxification of masculinity is absolutely essential on the road to gender equality.

NOW, i'm sure (I mean I hope) we can all agree that issues including sexism, rape, violence and so on are obviously important and anyone male or female that possess these traits and/or actively defends them, needs help! Research consistently shows that those who hold sexist attitudes are more likely to perpetrate gendered violence. (DUH), but the potential biological and cultural contributions to why these figures are disproportionate amongst men and women is not something I wish to discuss at present, that's a whole other debate. 

What I do want to talk about (and what a lot of people aren't talking about) is this ‘painting every male with the same brush’ phenomenon and the extent to which this could be harmful.

My issue with the shift we have seen in which masculinity is rapidly becoming a dirty word, is that it genuinely encourages a narrative in which masculinity is fundamentally toxic. 

The assumption that the majority of what can be considered as male specific characteristics, as fundamentally harmful, is becoming increasingly worrying within socialist politics. Traits such as aggression, violence and dominance are more and more often being lumped in with those such as strength, confidence and independence and this is the problem. Yes masculinity can indeed be somewhat destructive, (AGAIN VIOLENCE IS BAD VERY BAD, NON VIOLENCE GOOD VERY GOOD) but both conservative and liberal stances on this issue commonly misunderstand how the term functions.

When people use it, they tend to diagnose the problem of masculine aggression and entitlement as a cultural or spiritual illness, something that has infected today’s men and leads them to reproachable acts. But toxic masculinity itself is not a cause. Over the past thirty years, as the concept has morphed and changed, it has served more as a barometer for the gender politics of its day and as an arrow toward the subtler, shifting causes of violence and sexism.

Acts of violence, aggression and sexism arise for a whole host of reasons, including socioeconomic factors such as education, class, and poverty, NEWSFLASH, not all men that celebrate the idea of being emotionally or physically strong intend to murder and rape the entire female population!

THOUGHT EXPERIMENT TIME

How often do you see women on social media celebrating what it means to be a woman? All the time right? Now, don't get me wrong, this rise of what I'm gonna call ‘girl power culture’ is phenomenally empowering.  

But how often do you see men innocently celebrate their manhood or say they are proud to be a man online in the same way?

Very rarely, and if they do they are often immediately attacked for being misogynistic and failing to recognise their privilege by Feminazi’s who fail to read context and get triggered by buzzwords. 

Ooooo Controversial? Perhaps, but AGAIN, I'm not failing to recognise that things like lad culture, and boys will be boys culture exist, and perhaps this obvious difference on social media has something to do with the years of oppression against women up until very recently, in fact it probably, most certainly is, however not acknowledging the multiplicity of reasons for these toxic behaviours, and not allowing men to celebrate that they like and may even enjoy being one, in the same way as its widely excepted amongst women, is well, kinda just dumb.

Don't believe me yet? Let's look at the evidence. 

First I think it is important to establish where the term originated. Despite the term’s recent popularity among feminists, toxic masculinity did not originate with the women’s movement. It was coined in the mythopoetic men's movement of the 1980s and ’90s, motivated in part as a reaction to second-wave feminism. Through male only workshops, wilderness retreats, and drumming circles, this movement promoted a masculine spirituality to rescue what it referred to as the ‘deep masculine’, a protective ‘warrior’ type masculinity, from toxic masculinity. Men’s aggression and frustration was, according to the movement, the result of a society that feminized boys by denying them the necessary rites and rituals to realise their true selves as men. 

The claim of a singular, real masculinity has now been roundly rejected by a new sociology of masculinity. Led by the sociologist Raewyn Connell, this school of thought presents gender as the product of relations and behaviours, rather than as a fixed set of identities and attributes. Connell’s work describes multiple masculinities shaped by class, race, culture, sexuality, and other factors, often in competition with one another as to which can claim to be more authentic. In this view, which is now the prevailing social scientific understanding of masculinity, the standards by which a “real man” is defined can vary dramatically across time and place.

Connell and others theorised that common masculine ideals such as social respect, physical strength, and sexual potency can of course become problematic when they set unattainable standards. Falling short can make boys and men insecure and anxious, which might prompt them to use force in order to feel, and be seen as, dominant and in control, HOWEVER Male violence in this scenario doesn’t emanate from something bad or toxic that has crept into the nature of masculinity itself. Rather, it comes from these men’s social and political settings, the particularities of which set them up for inner conflicts over social expectations and male entitlement.

The popular discussion of masculinity has often presumed there are fixed character types among men, and I think it's become increasingly more important to be skeptical of this in order to understand the situations in which groups of men act, the patterns, and the inevitable consequences, because without doing so ,YOU may be contributing to the reinforcement of the toxic masculinity in which you despise so much, which brings us on to….

The blame game-are you contributing to toxic masculinity?

Where do these sexist attitudes come from? Are men and boys just the victims of cultural brainwashing into misogyny and aggression, requiring reeducation into the ‘right’ beliefs? Or are these problems more deep rooted, and created by the myriad of insecurities and contradictions of men’s lives under gender inequality? The problem with a crusade against toxic masculinity is that in targeting culture as the enemy, it risks overlooking the real life conditions and forces that sustain culture.

It is more than likely that you have somewhat contributed to the reinforcement of toxic masculinity without even realising. Something I see so often is both men and women emasculating men for being emotionally vulnerable and this specific topic is something I personally find alarming. In the same way I defend a man's right to choose how and whether he verbally expresses emotions, I strongly believe that there is work to be done to deconstruct the stigma that is attached to this, when and if they choose to do so.

In similar fashion, in the way we have fought so hard to reject female beauty standards, it's really essential that we consider the male equivalent. Don't think there is one? Ask any man under 5 foot 8, ask any bald man under the age of 30, ask any man who has been shamed for the lack of, or excess of body hair. We have to start recognising that there is a double standard, and without too much speculation, could these expectations and lack of attention we are giving them in comparison to a lot of feminist issues in mass media, be somewhat contributing to the frustration and anger that manifests into these toxic traits we have been discussing. YEAH, FUCKING PROBABLY.

Anyway, in summary what I'm saying is, in the same way that the toxic traits we subscribe to masculinity are not universal amongst all males, the solutions to those issues that we have identified within this culture, are also not universal. Recognising differences in the lives of men and boys is crucial to the effectiveness of efforts to resolve gender violence and inequality once and for all, some food for thought. 

Stay kind always, Abbie x

[keithxhappiness]

JTV 5x07 Review & Final Words (?)

So, I’d like to start first by commending the show overall. The fact that it has inspired emotions in me so INTENSE that I needed to write them down to process them is a testament to its quality. But I would really like to voice my opinion on this week’s episode. I really had hoped that all the signs had been pointed the wrong way - that the fact that Brett Dier would only appear in 7 episodes was just a rumor, or the cast wrap-up/wedding pictures were meant to be deceiving. It pains me to know that - one last time - I was wrong about the show. 

Michael has always been an important character - to Jane, to the story, and to many of the audience members, including me. His loss was hard. It was one of the few times I’ve cried experiencing a work of fiction. But, just like Jane, the pain dulled to a tolerable ache and I continued to enjoy the crazy shenanigans taking place on the show, and I even grew to accept Jane and Rafael together, as it seemed pointless to me that they should both be unhappy alone. I value, ultimately, that all the characters are happy - I want their suffering to be a prelude to some sort of fulfillment. 

And I believe what this show has completely failed to acknowledge is the fact that you can love two people at one time. Those circumstances are rare, yes, and although I’ve never encountered them in real life, I have in fiction - and I cite The Infernal Devices as the best example of this. Tessa was torn between Will and Jem, not because she didn’t love either of them enough to choose, but because while Will grappled with his curse, she and Jem formed a bond that went unnoticed by the all-too-consumed Will. Had Will known the truth about his condition, had he confessed earlier to Tessa, the direction of the story would have been evident. But a twist of fate and timing gave her two great loves. It also helps that she was immortal. Of course, when I first started watching JTV, I did not anticipate the story moving in a direction that benefited both men. One would have to lose Jane - Jane was not going to live forever - she only had one life to spend. But, funnily enough, the show actually managed to give both a chance - Michael’s death was hard, yes, but just like Will’s death, from its trauma emerged an opportunity for the two remaining characters to also find happiness again. Their deaths birthed love, instead of despair. And in a way, that was still appreciated. 

That said, I am biased. I have always been on Team Michael. I have always perceived them as soulmates, even while I didn’t necessarily understand the implications of that word. But I know that a soul exists independently of its vessel. Perhaps, however, I was deaf to the voices of those who preferred Rafael - who screamed internally when he watched as she married Michael. I still felt, however, that Rafael was able to move on and that they established a positive co-parenting relationship from which all parties benefited. In short, Rafael could still be a part of her life, where Michael now has no place in it. 

Now, it was as shocking to me as it was to anyone when Michael/Jason turned around to look at Jane at the end of Season 4. I remember falling to the floor in confusion and elation, and worrying for months about their fates, speculating that he had amnesia (score!), and just exchanging theories with my friends. To me, Michael’s return is no small thing. For Michael to return means that their relationship holds even more significance that I thought - that they can find their way to each other when so many forces seek to keep them apart, even when death does seem to do them part. It also pained me to see Michael so lost, and the scene in which his memories returned brought me more happiness than I care to admit. Michael is not some side-character - he is a well-developed, and important aspect of Jane’s story - he was the center of her world, along with her son, for so long. He is not a character that I believe dignified writing would or should bring back for shock-value, to advance the plot or to stir up turmoil in some other relationship. So, I hoped - I hoped that all the signs were intentionally planted to throw the audience off. 

And this is where this week’s episode made me angry. I’ve never felt angry towards this show before - not even when Michael died - but this is where I seriously considered if I should even bother continuing a story that had deliberately chosen to slaughter a valuable character’s entire journey for the sake of appealing to one particular audience. It was when Jane told Michael that he was her ‘past’ and that Rafael is her ‘now’, and when Michael simply nodded and drove her to the bus stop. Now, there are two things wrong with this. 

(1) In my opinion, the past, the present and the future are not mutually exclusive. They interact bi-directionally. Just because something happened in the past does not mean that it should be contained to the past and only the past. Someone’s past can become their future, even while it was lost in the present. If this is the reason that Jane could not choose to be with Michael then why any of this? Why any of this episode? Why kiss him? Why keep him around? It would be one thing if Jane felt that she and Michael truly had lost their connection, or that Michael himself did not want to make more sacrifices for Jane, that he wanted badly to stay in Montana and could not imagine leaving, but NONE OF THESE THINGS happened. This entire episode seemed dedicated to verifying that Jane and Michael do indeed still have a connection - that Michael can make her feel better when she is overwhelmed, that there is still sexual tension, that their memories together (e.g., camping) have not become eroded by time. So, it seems to me that Jane’s reason for leaving Michael was weak at best, and non-sensical at most, from a writing stand-point. To leave someone simply because they existed in a past - a past that you still vividly remember - is just not good enough. Not for me. And not for Michael. 

(2) Michael. As many have expressed, for some reason, Michael has been treated awfully by the writing this season. He has assumed a very passive role in the story - he simply waits around for Jane to make decisions, and when she does, he accepts with little to no resistance. Possibly the most active thing he did was ask her to travel with him to Montana, and then choose to return to Miami with her at the end of the eposide. So, just as Michael begins taking on his active characteristics again, he returns to a passive state. It’s true that Michael is the type of character who would sacrifice his happiness for Jane’s. So too is Will the type of character to forego his happiness so that Tessa and Jem may spend what little time they have together. But Will did not remain silent, and Cassie made sure that we, the audience knew that exactly. I see how it would have been simpler for Michael to leave without telling Jane, to save her the agony of making yet another impossible decision. But after spending the time exploring their connection, and realizing that he does still love her, that they have both changed, yes, but that critical fact had NOT, I cannot bring myself to believe that Michael - the REAL Michael - would shut up and watch her go. He would say something. He would fight her harder! He would at the very least, ask her to stay, ask her if she still loved him too. Because that’s what you do when you want something - you really want something - you don’t give it up with such ease. 

Maybe I’m wrong. Jane did say that life likes to throw curve balls at her. Maybe this is all just a big conspiracy and the show isn’t done with Michael yet. But it is hard for me to accept and approve of a show that so dramatically returns an essential character - an extremely well-loved character - just to discard him after 7 episodes. Whether or not I’ll still be watching, I cannot say for sure. What really hurts me the most is that the Narrator’s statement will come true - that Michael will love Jane until his final breath, but that that breath will not come dying in her arms, or after a life lived beside her, but that it will come when he is by himself. Alone and heartbroken.

[bountyofbeads]

Jeffrey Epstein and When to Take Conspiracies Seriously https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/13/opinion/jeffrey-epstein-suicide.html

When you have the #POTUS pushing conspiracy theories about the former president we are in DANGEROUS territory. The #ClintonBodyCount is being pushed by Russia and bots. We can't jump to conclusions until we have the facts. BEWARE

Jeffrey Epstein and When to Take Conspiracies Seriously

Sometimes conspiracy theories point toward something worth investigating. A few point toward the truth.

By Ross Douthat | Published August 13, 2019 | New York Times | Posted August 13, 2019 |

The challenge in thinking about a case like the suspicious suicide of Jeffrey Epstein, the supposed “billionaire” who spent his life acquiring sex slaves and serving as a procurer to the ruling class, can be summed up in two sentences. Most conspiracy theories are false. But often some of the things they’re trying to explain are real.

Conspiracy theories are usually false because the people who come up with them are outsiders to power, trying to impose narrative order on a world they don’t fully understand — which leads them to imagine implausible scenarios and impossible plots, to settle on ideologically convenient villains and assume the absolute worst about their motives, and to imagine an omnicompetence among the corrupt and conniving that doesn’t actually exist.

Or they are false because the people who come up with them are insiders trying to deflect blame for their own failings, by blaming a malign enemy within or an evil-genius rival for problems that their own blunders helped create.

Or they are false because the people pushing them are cynical manipulators and attention-seekers trying to build a following who don’t care a whit about the truth.

For all these reasons serious truth-seekers are predisposed to disbelieve conspiracy theories on principle, and journalists especially are predisposed to quote Richard Hofstadter on the “paranoid style” whenever they encounter one — an instinct only sharpened by the rise of Donald Trump, the cynical conspiracist par excellence.

But this dismissiveness can itself become an intellectual mistake, a way to sneer at speculation while ignoring an underlying reality that deserves attention or investigation. Sometimes that reality is a conspiracy in full, a secret effort to pursue a shared objective or conceal something important from the public. Sometimes it’s a kind of unconscious connivance, in which institutions and actors behave in seemingly concerted ways because of shared assumptions and self-interest. But in either case, an admirable desire to reject bad or wicked theories can lead to a blindness about something important that these theories are trying to explain.

Here are some diverse examples. Start with U.F.O. theories, a reliable hotbed of the first kind of conspiracizing — implausible popular stories about hidden elite machinations.

It is simple wisdom to assume that any conspiratorial Fox Mulder-level master narrative about little gray men or lizard people is rubbish. Yet at the same time it is a simple fact that the U.F.O. era began, in Roswell, N.M., with a government lie intended to conceal secret military experiments; it is also a simple fact, lately reported in this very newspaper, that the military has been conducting secret studies of unidentified-flying-object incidents that continue to defy obvious explanations.

So the correct attitude toward U.F.O.s cannot be a simple Hofstadterian dismissiveness about the paranoia of the cranks. Instead, you have to be able to reject outlandish theories and  acknowledge a pattern of government lies and secrecy around a weird, persistent, unexplained feature  of human experience — which we know about in part because the U.F.O. conspiracy theorists keep banging on about their subject. The wild theories are false; even so, the secrets and mysteries are real.

Another example: The current elite anxiety about Russia’s hand in the West’s populist disturbances, which reached a particularly hysterical pitch with the pre-Mueller report collusion coverage, is a classic example of how conspiracy theories find a purchase in the supposedly sensible center — in this case, because their narrative conveniently explains a cascade of elite failures by blaming populism on Russian hackers, moneymen and bots.

And yet: Every conservative who rolls her or his eyes at the “Russia hoax” is in danger of dismissing the reality that there is a Russian plot against the West — an organized effort to use hacks, bots and rubles to sow discord in the United States and Western Europe. This effort is far weaker and less consequential than the paranoid center believes, it doesn’t involve fanciful “Trump has been a Russian asset since the ’80s” machinations … but it also isn’t something that Rachel Maddow just made up. The hysteria is overdrawn and paranoid; even so, the Russian conspiracy is real.

A third example: Marianne Williamson’s long-shot candidacy for the Democratic nomination has elevated the holistic-crunchy critique of modern medicine, which often shades into a conspiratorial view that a dark corporate alliance is actively conspiring against American health, that the medical establishment is consciously lying to patients about what might make them well or sick. Because this narrative has given anti-vaccine fervor a huge boost, there’s understandable desire among anti-conspiracists to hold the line against anything that seems like a crankish or quackish criticism of the medical consensus.

But if you aren’t somewhat paranoid about how often corporations cover up the dangers of their products, and somewhat paranoid about how drug companies in particular influence the medical consensus and encourage overprescription — well, then I have an opioid crisis you might be interested in reading about. You don’t need the centralized conspiracy to get a big medical wrong turn; all it takes is the right convergence of financial incentives with institutional groupthink. Which makes it important to keep an open mind about medical issues that are genuinely unsettled, even if the people raising questions seem prone to conspiracy-think. The medical consensus is generally a better guide than crankishness; even so, the tendency of cranks to predict medical scandals before they’re recognized is real.

Finally, a fourth example, circling back to Epstein: the conspiracy theories about networks of powerful pedophiles, which have proliferated with the internet and peaked, for now, with the QAnon fantasy among Trump supporters.

I say fantasy because the details of the QAnon narrative are plainly false: Donald Trump is not personally supervising an operation against “deep state” child sex traffickers any more than my 3-year-old is captaining a pirate ship.

But the premise of the QAnon fantasia, that certain elite networks of influence, complicity and blackmail have enabled sexual predators to exploit victims on an extraordinary scale — well, that isn’t a conspiracy theory, is it? That seems to just be true.

And not only true of Epstein and his pals. As I’ve written before, when I was starting my career as a journalist I sometimes brushed up against people peddling a story about a network of predators in the Catholic hierarchy — not just pedophile priests, but a self-protecting cabal above them — that seemed like a classic case of the paranoid style, a wild overstatement of the scandal’s scope. I dismissed them then as conspiracy theorists, and indeed they had many of conspiracism’s vices — above all, a desire to believe that the scandal they were describing could be laid entirely at the door of their theological enemies, liberal or traditional.

But on many important points and important names, they were simply right.

Likewise with the secular world’s predators. Imagine being told the scope of Harvey Weinstein’s alleged operation before it all came crashing down — not just the ex-Mossad black ops element but the possibility that his entire production company also acted as a procurement-and-protection operation for one of its founders. A conspiracy theory, surely! Imagine being told all we know about the late, unlamented Epstein — that he wasn’t just a louche billionaire (wasn’t, indeed, a proper billionaire at all) but a man mysteriously made and mysteriously protected who ran a pedophile island with a temple to an unknown god and plotted his own “Boys From Brazil” endgame in plain sight of his Harvard-D.C.-House of Windsor pals. Too wild to be believed!

And yet.

Where networks of predation and blackmail are concerned, then, the distinction I’m drawing between conspiracy theories and underlying realities weakens just a bit. No, you still don’t want to listen to QAnon, or to our disgraceful president when he retweets rants about the #ClintonBodyCount. But just as Cardinal Theodore McCarrick’s network of clerical allies and enablers hasn’t been rolled up, and the fall of Bryan Singer probably didn’t get us near the rancid depths of Hollywood’s youth-exploitation racket, we clearly haven’t gotten to the bottom of what was going on with Epstein.

So to worry too much about online paranoia outracing reality is to miss the most important journalistic task, which is the further unraveling of scandals that would have seemed, until now, too implausible to be believed.

Yes, by all means, resist the tendency toward unfounded speculation and cynical partisan manipulation. But also recognize that in the case of Jeffrey Epstein and his circle, the conspiracy was real.

Epstein Suicide Conspiracies Show How Our Information System Is Poisoned

With each news cycle, the false-information system grows more efficient.

By Charlie Warzel | Published August 11, 2019 | New York Times | Posted August 13, 2019 "|

Even on an internet bursting at the seams with conspiracy theories and hyperpartisanship, Saturday marked a new chapter in our post-truth, choose-your-own-reality crisis story.

It began Saturday morning, when news broke that the disgraced financier  Jeffrey Epstein had apparently hanged himself in a Manhattan jail. Mr. Epstein’s death, coming just one day after court documents from one of his accusers were unsealed, prompted immediate suspicion from journalists, politicians and the usual online fringes.

Within minutes, Trump appointees, Fox Business hosts and Twitter pundits  revived a decades-old conspiracy theory, linking the Clinton family to supposedly suspicious deaths. #ClintonBodyCount and #ClintonCrimeFamily trended on Twitter. Around the same time, an opposite hashtag — #TrumpBodyCount — emerged, focused on President Trump’s decades-old ties to Mr. Epstein. Each hashtag was accompanied by GIFs and memes picturing Mr. Epstein with the Clintons or with Mr. Trump to serve as a viral accusation of foul play.

The dueling hashtags and their attendant toxicity are a grim testament to our deeply poisoned information ecosystem — one that’s built for speed and designed to reward the most incendiary impulses of its worst actors. It has ushered in a parallel reality unrooted in fact and helped to push conspiratorial thinking into the cultural mainstream. And with each news cycle, the system grows more efficient, entrenching its opposing camps. The poison spreads.

Mr. Epstein’s apparent suicide is, in many ways, the post-truth nightmare scenario. The sordid story contains almost all of the hallmarks of stereotypical conspiratorial fodder: child sex-trafficking, powerful global political leaders, shadowy private jet flights, billionaires whose wealth cannot be explained. As a tale of corruption, it is so deeply intertwined with our current cultural and political rot that it feels, at times, almost too on the nose. The Epstein saga provides ammunition for everyone, leading one researcher to refer to Saturday’s news as the “Disinformation World Cup.”

At the heart of the online fiasco is Twitter, which has come to largely program the political conversation and much of the press. Twitter is magnetic during huge breaking stories; news junkies flock to it for up-to-the-second information. But early on, there’s often a vast discrepancy between the attention that is directed at the platform and the available information about the developing story. That gap is filled by speculation and, via its worst users, rumormongering and conspiracy theories.

On Saturday, Twitter’s trending algorithms hoovered up the worst of this detritus, curating, ranking and then placing it in the trending module on the right side of its website. Despite being a highly arbitrary and mostly “worthless metric,” trending topics on Twitter are often interpreted as a vague signal of the importance of a given subject.

There’s a decent chance that President Trump was using Twitter’s trending module when he retweeted a conspiratorial tweet tying the Clintons to Epstein’s death. At the time of Mr. Trump’s retweet, “Clintons” was the third trending topic in the United States. The specific tweet amplified by the president to his more than 60 million followers was prominently featured in the “Clintons” trending topic. And as Ashley Feinberg at Slate pointed out in June, the president appears to have a history of using trending to find and interact with tweets.

On Saturday afternoon, a computational propaganda researcher, Renée DiResta, noted that the media’s close relationship with Twitter creates an incentive for propagandists and partisans to artificially inflate given hashtags. Almost as soon as #ClintonBodyCount began trending on Saturday, journalists took note and began lamenting the spread of this conspiracy theory — effectively turning it into a news story, and further amplifying the trend. “Any wayward tweet … can be elevated to an opinion worth paying attention to,” Ms. DiResta wrote. “If you make it trend, you make it true.”

That our public conversation has been uploaded onto tech platforms governed by opaque algorithms adds even more fodder for the conspiratorial-minded. Anti-Trump Twitter pundits with  hundreds of thousands of followers  blamed “Russian bots” for the Clinton trending topic. On the far right, pro-Trump sites like the Gateway Pundit (with a long track record of amplifying  conspiracy theories) suggested that Twitter was suppressing and censoring the Clinton hashtags.

Where does this leave us? Nowhere good.

It’s increasingly apparent that our information delivery systems were not built for our current moment — especially with corruption and conspiracy at the heart of our biggest national news stories (Epstein, the Mueller report, mass shootings), and the platforms themselves functioning as petri dishes for outlandish, even dangerous conspiracy theories to flourish. The collision of these two forces is so troubling that an F.B.I. field office recently identified fringe conspiracy theories as a domestic terrorist threat. In this ecosystem, the media is frequently outmatched and, despite its best intentions, often acts as an amplifier for baseless claims, even when trying its best to knock them down.

Saturday’s online toxicity may have felt novel, but it’s part of a familiar cycle: What cannot be easily explained is answered by convenient untruths. The worst voices are rewarded for growing louder and gain outsize influence directing narratives. With each cycle, the outrage and contempt for the other build. Each extreme becomes certain its enemy has manipulated public perception; each side is the victim, but each is also, inexplicably, winning. The poison spreads.

[eorzean-capitalist]

The more flowery a person’s speech … the more suspect the feelings, or lack of feelings, it concealed. --  Gustave Flaubert, Madame Bovary

There’s a lot to unpack from the fauxpology that appeared recently on a new blog from Oz.  I’ve seen this before... from multiple abusive people.  

So let’s dive in, shall we?

There are some things I need to address, some of which I need to apologise for. I want to be clear this is not me entering into a debate, this is not my version of events, this is an apology for where I have made mistakes and where I have at times hurt many people who ultimately did not deserve it, many of whom are my friends and loved ones. 

Some of which you need to apologize for? Some?

I have no intention of any kind to publicly address this any further. I do not think it would be of any benefit to anyone, particularly the people I have hurt, to escalate this more than it already has by arguing about any specific claim’s full context. If you wish to speak with me privately, I encourage you to reach out to me personally

Private, where you can continue to try to control the narrative.  Private, where you can attempt to keep gaslighting your victims.  Private, where no one else can see what you’re saying and go ‘Um, no, that’s not correct’.  

And whose benefit here are you really concerned about?  Because I can tell you right now, your victims would /love/ for you to publicly acknowledge the hurt you caused them.  It just wouldn’t be very fun for you to be open to the kind of scrutiny you’ve called to attention on other people for daring to go against your dictates and mandates.

Unfortunately, I have to be clear about what, exactly, I’m apologising for. In the noise and fury surrounding the last week or so, accusations have been made that are not simply bad interactions taken out of context or even objectionable but otherwise fairly mundane failures of decency, but utterly detestable and even illegal.

Jesus christ, put down the fucking thesaurus.  We get it.  You know big words.  Would you stop tap dancing around the point and actually get to it?  

Actually, I’ve read this run-on sentence several times and I really can’t make heads or tails of it.  What are you trying to say here, Oz?  Are you accusing your victims of making shit up?  Despite all the evidence that’s been posted?  Are you suggesting that somehow talking about the shit you’ve done is illegal?  Like really?

I do not say this to excuse anything I have actually done or anywhere I have actually been wrong, but so that I can apologise for where I have indeed done wrong without admitting to baseless claims of acts that are not just morally reprehensible but in some cases illegal.

“So I want to cherry pick what to apologize for.  The stuff that’s just kinda assholish I’ll admit to but everything else is illegal because I say so.”

I have never doxxed, stalked, sexually harassed, or threatened the the life of anyone

Um.  Sure, Jan.

Additionally, I have never sent anonymous hate messages through Tumblr or any other medium. I have never condoned any of those behaviours, encouraged them in others, nor have I ever made false claims of any of the prior acts.

Uh huh.  Have you forgotten we’ve all SEEN you do this shit?  You may not do anon tumblr hatred, but you do threaten people.  I’ve seen you go on complete tirades over and over again.  People have actually posted testimonials and screenshots of logs where you are threatening them.  Seriously, stop denying you do this shit. 

I have made many mistakes and, yes, I have made some very bad choices. While I am absolutely guilty of being unnecessarily aggressive, disdainful, and combative, I have not done any of those things. I am not going to speculate about the motivations of the people making these claims, but suffice it to say they are entirely false and the people making them have no reason to believe otherwise. There are things I have to own and apologise for, but these are not among them.

They just made some very bad choices, folks.  We should totes give them a break. 

I regret I must start an apology with a qualification like that, but given the nature of the more extreme and spurious claims some have made, I have no choice. It would be disingenuine and even irresponsible of me to extend a blanket apology and include deeply reprehensible acts I have never committed nor would I ever commit.

I think what they’re trying to say here is ‘I would do anything for love... but I won’t do that.’

Also, if you need four flowery paragraphs of highfalutin language to start off your ‘apology’, you’re doing it wrong.

What I will apologise for are the places where I have failed and while they are not as many as claimed, they are dire

Now we begin the minimizing stage.  They admit to doing some things, but not everything, and even those some things are very small really.  Just a few things.  Yes, dire things but JUST A FEW THINGS.

I allowed myself to listen to voices that lauded me for drawing hard and sometimes arbitrary lines with people, showing swift cruelty, and forgetting there is a very real difference between flawed people who have made mistakes or even just poor choices and people who set out to knowingly do harm for its own sake

“Guys, I made some bad choices.  I was lead astray by other nebulous people.  Clearly they were the ones to guide me into these dire, terrible actions.  I apologize for them dragging me kicking and screaming down this awful path.”

What’s worse is that these are lessons I learned long ago, but I allowed myself to be comfortable and even lazy. I did not hold myself to my own standards and through my unwillingness to examine my own behaviours, I hurt others.

I hope you pause to meditate on the fact that this is why people say your behavior has never changed.  

There are times I have shown anger or drawn a line around spaces under my control and done so justly There is a time and place for anger. Like any emotion in a healthy volume and the right context, it has a role to serve.

The problem is, you are addicted to your righteous anger.  You go from 0 to 60 in 0.005 seconds, and when you blast people, you refuse to listen to them when they try to reason with you.  I’ve read the logs.  I’ve seen you run in, scream at people and when they try to placate you, continue to berate them.  

Your first reaction to anyone challenging you or ‘threatening your territory’ is to go nuclear.  Full blast nuclear.  And you do. not. stop.  You will continue to post about them for months.  Vagueposts sniping at them.  And you don’t just do it yourself, you command  your people like they’re your little army to avoid the people you’ve decided are on your Naughty List on pain of becoming your next victim.

That’s on you.  It is all on you.  No one else is to blame for this, no matter how you may try to blame your ‘choices’ on mysterious others in your life.

In many cases, what I did was apply that anger too broadly and too eagerly. I was too willing to see the hurt in response to my actions as a proof of guilt from the people I refused to see the simple human dignity of. I allowed people who I felt wronged me or people dear to me to become less than people in my eyes, something reserved only for the most awful of people, not individuals who simply commit some passing faux pas in a bad circumstance or, indeed, do nothing beyond some relatively minor violation of the social contract.

On this, we can agree.  Would that you had said this rather than all the shit above.

After a period of suffering genuine manipulation, abuse, and gaslighting by a truly vile person, I allowed my feelings of abandonment and outrage at an injustice to stew and mutate into a broad and directionless anger. No matter what happened, my failure to properly gauge my emotions and find healthy, positive outlets for those feelings was not just unacceptable, but my fault. What’s worse is that I sought and found help. I knew what I had to do, and it took me too long to begin the process of healing, a process entirely within my control. While I refused to heal, I indulged in pain and the social rewards that come from it. Not just my own pain but the pain of others.

More blame shifting.  Remember, folks, while they did hurt people, they were the REAL victim here.  

The worst part of all of this is that among the choices I made, they were not choices I made out some misguided belief or, in most cases, not even out of misinformation. They are things I did in spite of my own beliefs. If you asked me on a good day, I would tell you I believe it is absolutely critical to reach out to people you feel have wronged you and while it’s important to protect the things and people vital to you, you should never allow yourself to succumb to a hateful, tribalistic, ingroup/outgroup attitude without fully appreciating the harm that does not just to other people, but to yourself.

On a good day, if you asked me, I would tell it is absolutely crucial to be no one’s attack dog and to avoid people who celebrate the harm you do to others. I would tell you it is easy to build the support of people who see you as a vector for the harm they want to see done to others. I would tell you it is not just easy, but a passive process to become a threat to other people and that is the very last thing you should want to be. When I say I was overly comfortable and lazy, that is exactly what I mean. 

You know what they’re doing here?  Trying to be subtle about it, but definite blame shifting going on here.  They are blaming other people for jumping on the bandwagon THEY created.  They got off on manipulating public opinion about people, and are now blaming the very people they manipulated into feeling that way.  

Nice try, but i c wat u did thar.

I failed to be the better version of myself I have been. I can say I never set out to harm people specifically because I wanted to or I because I enjoyed the idea of punishing others, which I didn’t, but the effects of my actions are the same as if I had. I invited and engaged in unnecessary conflict to no gain, I meted out judgement where harmful, and I did all of this with the reassurance I would be rewarded in ways I never should have sought.

“See, folks, I just wanted the approval of other people.  So I hurt you because I sought out that kind of approval and it’s their fault for making me want their approval.”

In every instance of wrongdoing, I was a hypocrite. In allowing myself to see people as their failings, something I absolutely know is wrong, I justified a level of hostility that is not just inappropriate, but destructive to myself, to those around me, and of course to those on the bad end of that hostility. For that, I apologise from the bottom of my heart.

Furthermore, I need to apologise for the influence I’ve had. Beyond my actions themselves, I have helped create a culture of cyclical anger, division, and anguish that has done real harm to our community. Not only have my actions reflected poorly on my friends, who I can assure you are not supporters of those actions, they have fed into a subculture on Balmung of a deeply hostile and hateful moral rectitude. I contributed to an environment where people looking to do harm can and can do so largely without consequence.

You know, if you had just said this, I might actually believe you were sorry.  Unfortunately, this is buried in so much bullshit it’s hard to take seriously.

I can complain about there being absolutely false and completely groundless claims made about me, but it is my fault there is an environment for those claims to come from. Obviously, there are other bad actors in our community, but I am the only person I have control over and I have to accept my share of the blame for the culture I helped create and I am sorry. In different moments, I have tried to contribute constructively to the space we share and in others I have actively torn it down.

Like other things, it’s something I know better than to do. As has been said both to criticise me and to defend me, I have an old and long-buried history of being a malignant presence in another community. I am proof that people can grow beyond their immaturity, but that one still has to be vigilant about not falling into their old habits. It is a lesson I know and chose to ignore for temporary comforts.

I am sorry for allowing a kind of zeal to take hold in me that let me ignore the difference between a sexual predator or their defenders and people who simply briefly upset someone in some minor way. At my best, I hold myself to a high standard of proof and responsibility, aware that taking action against someone is harming them. It’s doing something they may have to carry with them for a long time and if we take that action wrongly, then we’re hurting someone without reason. At my worst, something I have shown far too much of, I allowed myself to stoop to the lowest standard of a bully, the exact kind of person I so comfortably and openly resent.

The problem with this line of thinking is... you’ve only managed to do it AGAIN. How is that proof of growing or changing?  You can’t even bring yourself to apologize properly, how is anyone to believe that you’ve changed at all?

I am also deeply and truly sorry to the people around me. My friends, both in my free company and not, have shown me a patience and grace that I certainly failed to show others. I am not just glad but lucky to have people around me willing to tell me when I have done wrong and all I can ask is that you not judge them by my worst actions. They and the community we have built together are surely better than I am and I can think of no better testament to that fact than the guidance and tolerance they have shown me.

I can agree with this up to a point.  Obviously most people in your FC are not to blame for your actions.  Though you should probably consider the kind of atmosphere you’ve fostered in your own FC.  Considering the testimony of many ex-,members, you made it pretty awful for them while they were in there.  Be better.  

There’s not a deep, meaningful takeaway I have to offer from any of this. I’m not saying any of this from some place of wisdom other than that of someone recently reminded I am not beyond succumbing to the worst inclinations common to all people, inclinations many people manage to avoid succumbing to themselves.

All I have left to say is that I am sorry. I have before, can now, and will later do better. In turn, all I can ask is that you give me the grace do so.

“I’m only human, folks.  Please leave me alone so I don’t have to really, truly, face up to my actions.”