#yes i ship two old dead men

[miminazumin]

hashimada is so tragically gay asf. it's like forbidden love between two lovers that were born to be enemies but fated to be with each other?? bro wants to surpass romeo and juliet.

and the two are still in love with each other even in the afterlife. like y’all remember the scene when Madara gets all excited and stuff after sensing Hashirama’s chakra? I don’t think it’s a friendly approach. the two bros are excited to be with each other.

[anonymouscheeses]

They are everything to me.

[perseidlion]

So there's this character in Dead Boy Detectives.

He's:

Attractive

Flirts shamelessly with Edwin

Makes physical advances toward Edwin

Makes Charles jealous and "gets in the way of the main ship"

Is of indeterminate age but is possibly decades or centuries old

Can transform into an animal.

And it's this guy:

AND YET I have never seen any discourse calling Monty a creep and a predator.

Unlike The Cat King, he even kissed Edwin suddenly and without explicit consent. He also lied, manipulated and betrayed all of them and nearly got them killed. Yes, he said he didn't know Esther was planning on destroying them. But c'mon, it's Esther.

Somehow though, the fandom vilifies The Cat King more than Monty. I think the reason why is worth a long, hard look in the mirror.

The biggest difference between the two is TCK's sexual nature and his in-your-face queerness. Those are two things that have been historically vilified and othered about gay/queer men.

Even these days, through the whole "no kink at pride" discourse, this argument continues through respectability politics.

Simply put, a short little twink with a crush is a non-threatening gay man, while TCK with his overt sensuality and gender non-conforming clothing represents a threat. Monty's advances are seen as cute, while TCK's are predatory, even though Monty propositioned Edwin with a kiss as surely as TCK overtly propositioned him.

If TCK's sexually-charged flirting bothered you in a way that Monty's advances didn't (despite the fact the audience knew that at least at first, Monty's advances were a big old lie) ask yourself why that is. The reason is probably that you were taught to fear and vilify overt displays of queer sexuality . Even queer people need to unlearn this particular bias.

And just to cover all the bases, I will shout again that The Cat King is a fae/trickster and that Edwin's punishment was proportionate in that context. Edwin used magic and confined a creature he knew to be as intelligent as a human and was punished for it with a very long leash and a (totally doable) task. It was a task designed to make Edwin see the cats as individuals instead of tools to help him close a case. The sort of fiction that DBD has its roots in (and the source material) is full of these sort of eye-for-an-eye type of punishments with magical creatures.

Just to be clear, I don't think we should be vilifying Monty, either. You can't 1:1 fictional scenarios onto real life and apply our standards of morality to them, especially not in a setting with man-eating mushrooms, ghosts, and transforming animals. All the conflict these two characters brought to the plot was necessary. If everyone acted with perfect morality all the time, fiction would be incredibly boring.

And IF you did apply RL standards to fiction, you would have to acknowledge that Edwin's crime of binding and forcing a fully sentient being to give him information violated just as much consent as TCK putting that bracelet on Edwin. And that Monty was just as "predatory" as The Cat King, if not more so. The Cat King, at least, never lied to Edwin, while everything about Monty was a lie from the start.

[follows-the-bees]

I wanna talk about Jim's journey. Their character arc is one of my favorites of the show.

In season one, Jim fits into two very well-trodded tropes and each one is subverted by the end.

First, we have the trope of a person (typically a woman) disguised as a man to go into hiding and also the old wives tale of no women on ships because they bring bad luck. We see some of this attitude through Frenchie's superstitions but the trope is subverted fairly quickly when Jim talks to them about wanting to be just Jim and the crew (and Nana) effortlessly use they pronouns.

OFMD has many, many ties to classic Western tropes and style of filmmaking. And Jim's whole character arc of season one fits the Revenge trope.

They have been trained to be a killer, hardened by life, only open to Olu but even that openness is just a sliver. When Jim is spurred on by Nana to complete that Revenge arc, they fall into it, leaving the safety of the ship, the community built there, from Olu.

But instead of more killing, Jim comes to an understanding with Spanish Jackie. They share a drink (which oftentimes in Westerns ends in a gunfight, unlike the show which starts with a knife fight and ends with communal drinking). Upon hearing that most of the men they are after are likely already dead, Jim decides to put down that knife and instead returns to the aptly named Revenge.

But in perfect subversions of tropes, Jim does choose Revenge, but not the type that eats at your soul and often ends in unhappiness or death. Rather, they are choosing community and softness.

Jim is one of Stede's loudest critics at the beginning of season one; Stede represents the opposite of how Jim was raised and once viewed the world.

But the beginning of season two shows how much Stede's way of piracy has influenced Jim. They no longer are following the Western Revenge storyline, but rather serving as the storyteller to the crew. (A direct parallel to the pilot.)

In fact Jim is reciting that same exact story that Stede told in the pilot. But it is different, darker. And that is because Jim is a different person, and in a different, darker environment at the moment. But invoking those good times that they remember. S1 Jim would have never told a story to try and make a crew member feel better.

We see Jim continue to choose kindness, mercy, grace with several characters. With Izzy, who is a dick but is their dick. And yes, also with Ed, until Ed's plan of suicide by crew now has affected and threatened their lives.

They also seem to be the first to realize what Ed is doing. And they refuse to kill Archie, who was drawn to them because of Jim's hope.

Jim's journey the rest of the season fills me with warmth. They get to be soft, they reunite with Olu, and form the cutest polycule with Olu and Archie. They also intervene and talk to the Pirate Queen about Olu, repairing their status.

The giant smiles on their moustached face during Calypso's Birthday, handing out drinks to the captain and Ed (showing the repaired relationship there), dancing with their lovers, and cheering on Izzy's singing shows how free Jim (and the whole crew) get to be now.

Jim is the embodiment of how Stede has tried to change piracy, of how Stede's effect has created a community.

Jim is the embodiment of the queer joy that this show unabashedly embraces.

[atlabeth]

bad luck - nikolai lantsov

summary: you have little hope after being captured by slavers in the depths of ravka. but then your ship is commandeered, and you get a little more than you bargained for with your privateer savior.

a/n: sorry that it has been a while since ive posted anything on here and sorry about my neglect for my other series but i am a nikolai lover first a writer second and a person third!!! apparently i cannot write a normal length one shot with this man but i hope you enjoy

wc: 5.3k

warning(s): fem!reader, sturmhond!nikolai, reader is captured by slavers but there is no detail, mentions of fighting and killing, mentions of arranged marriages, reader is highkey annoyed by sturmhond lmao, but a fluffy (and lowkey steamy) ending

At first, you’d thought you were hallucinating. 

You couldn’t remember the last time your captors had given you, given anyone in the brig, water, and the beginning of a spiral into insanity wouldn’t have exactly surprised you. 

Explosions, gunshots, the screams of dying men. You’d imagined the entire crew dropping dead many times so it wasn’t a shock that this was where your madness would begin. You just closed your eyes, tried to pretend you weren’t in chains, and reveled in the sound. 

And then the door to the brig was broken down, and your eyes shot open. You moved to the front of your cell, gripping the cold bars as you looked to see what sort of new danger had been brought upon you. 

Instead, you were met with a cocky-looking man—though he hardly appeared old enough to be called a man—a pistol in his relaxed grip and another hanging by his side. His bright teal frock coat didn’t belong in a dingy place such as this. 

“Hello, all,” he said pleasantly. “I am happy to say this ship has been commandeered.”

Your grip slackened. “What?”

Your question was drowned out by immediate rioting by all the other prisoners, and the man glanced at the woman by his side. She took one of her two axes from its place at her hip and walked over to your cell. Her golden eyes gleamed, and her axe moved in a barely visible flash. She’d chopped the lock clean off, and the cell door creaked open. The whole brig had fallen silent. 

You took another step back, eyes still wide. The man walked up next to her, peering inside your cell at all the prisoners bunched in together, but when his eyes met yours, they widened. His entire body went rigid for a moment, so imperceptible that you thought you’d imagined it when he looked away. 

“I have no desire to keep you all here against your will,” he said. “Call me your liberator, call me your savior, call me a captain who just hates slavers—it doesn’t matter to me right now. The only thing that matters to me right now is that this is my ship.”

“Are we free?” you asked.

Again, the captain’s expression changed ever so slightly when he looked at you—this time, you knew you hadn’t imagined it. 

“Yes,” he said, the corner of his mouth turning up in a slight smile. “You’re free.”

You couldn’t help but smile yourself, and the chains around your wrists felt lighter knowing they would be off soon.

The captain cleared his throat as he turned away, looking at the rest of the prisoners. “Now, do any of you know where they keep the keys on this ship? If we can’t find them, Tamar here will use those handy axes on your shackles.”

Someone spoke up and the captain sent one of his men off to retrieve them, then he looked at the golden-eyed woman. Shu, no doubt. “Tamar, get the rest of these cells open then bring them above deck. I’d like to make a speech.”

She nodded and got to work. Soon enough, you were breathing in salty air and reveling in the wind on your face. You’d been below deck for far too long, and the feeling of sunlight on your skin was glorious. You allowed yourself a moment to close your eyes and just enjoy it. Your mind blocked out the spilled blood and dead bodies of the crew that you had to walk through. You wouldn’t shed any tears for them, but you weren’t accustomed to the brutality that your parents sheltered you from. 

“I’d like to introduce myself to you all.” You opened your eyes and the captain was speaking, standing in front of the orderly line you’d all formed. The Shu woman from before—Tamar, he called her—stood at his left, and a similarly golden-eyed man had just joined them. Between his size and her axes, you were quite thankful they were—at least for now—on your side. 

“You can call me Sturmhond,” he said. “Perhaps you’ve heard of me, perhaps you haven’t. I don’t particularly care. As you likely saw, each and every man and woman previously aboard this ship is dead, in case you doubted my promises to your freedom. That is what I care about.” 

The thought would have normally made bile rise in your throat. You may not have been accustomed, but you liked to believe you weren’t wholly naive. 

“But I want to be clear,” the captain said, “this is not a rescue. This is an opportunity.” 

Sturmhond gestured with his head and a woman stepped forward, lithe with wispy hair divided into two braids. She moved her hands apart and concentrated, and with a few concise movements, the cuffs around your wrists broke apart and fell to the ground. Your eyes widened, and the exacerbated clatter made you glance down the line, same as some of the others—she removed everyone’s shackles at once. 

Sturmhond kept company with Grisha. You knew the captain was Ravkan from his accent, but any connection to the Grand Palace and the King sent unease trickling down your spine. The chances were small, what with how much time Grisha spent in the Little Palace—Saints, the Fabrikator might not even be Ravkan—but there was still a chance. The last thing you needed was to be recognized. 

“We didn’t really need the keys,” Sturmhond said with a boyish smile. Again, you were struck by how out of place he looked—he should have been in university, not heading operations like this. “I just wanted to make you all squirm a little. Tamar’s axes are quite terrifying.” 

“Who says we want any part of your opportunities?” asked a man from down the line. 

“Because I’m allowing you the choice,” the captain said. “Those of you who wish to be free of the sea and her constraints, we are by the Zemeni border. You will be dropped at the nearest harbor, and your fate will be back in your control.”

There were grumblings throughout your fellow prisoners and you glanced at them. It was a better offer than any of you would have gotten, a chance for freedom that you thought was long past you. Novyi Zem had no grief with Ravka, so you would be safe enough there. You could get a job working the fields or in a factory, and once you had enough you could book passage back to Ravka. You could find your family again. 

Your throat tightened. You ran from them—that was why you were here in the first place. Maybe it would be better to try and start a new life all together, nameless in Novyi Zem. No one would ask questions, you were sure of it. You would be in control of your fate again. 

And then the captain got a glint in his eye. Your spine straightened almost on instinct. 

“As for those of you who want revenge,” he tilted his head, “you can earn a place in my crew.” 

“Why would we work for you?” a woman from across the brig shouted. “We’ve got our freedom!” 

“Because there is little more satisfying than causing the destruction of those who tried to destroy you,” Sturmhond said. “And because the sea is rather lovely when you’re not a captive.” 

“That is my opportunity to you all.” He clasped his hands together, the wind ruffling his red hair. “A chance to help those like you, and put slavers at the bottom of the ocean where they belong.” 

“Why would we want to work with pirates?” you spoke up. “We have lives to get back to. And half of us aren’t fighters.” 

You didn’t know what it was about you that made Sturmhond’s expression shift just so each time he looked at you, but it was beginning to irk you. 

“Privateer, actually,” he corrected. His voice was annoyingly smooth, and his unyielding confidence even more irritating. “As I said, it’s your choice. And it will take us three days to reach Novyi Zem, so you will have time to decide.” 

You huffed a laugh, but decided to stay silent. You’d dealt with too many men like him, but it wasn’t a bother—in three days, you would be back in the same position you were in before your bad luck struck. 

“Now,” the captain said with an equally smooth smile, folding his hands behind his back, “any questions?”

Nobody spoke up. Whether it was out of fear or simple ambivalence you didn’t know, but you didn’t feel like getting on the captain’s bad side. You planned to keep your head down for three days and figure it all out in Novyi Zem. 

“Wonderful. We’ll divide our forces between this ship and the Volkvolny,” he said. “Any of you who wish to transfer ships will be allowed.” His lip curled as he looked around the dingy conditions of the slaver ship. “I doubt you want to spend much more time on board this wreck.”

“Some of my crew will get you situated as we prepare to set sail,” Sturmhond continued. “If you find you have any burning questions later, save them or direct them to Tolya here.” He gestured to the Shu man as tall as a tree standing by him, and he only looked slightly irritated to be given up like that. 

“I suppose the only thing left to do is officially welcome you aboard.” Sturmhond swept an arm through the air. “I hope you’ve all earned your sea legs.”

He walked off, Tolya and Tamar following him. They must’ve been his first mates—you were immensely glad they weren’t against you, what with his size and her axes.  

But as he did, you couldn’t help but stare. The strangest feeling had come over you during his speech, one that was exacerbated every time he passed the slightest glance at you, every time his expression changed. He was just… unnatural. Unsettling.

You allowed yourself a deep breath and shook your head, trying to focus on the crewmember that was speaking to you all. You didn’t care if he was unnatural or unsettling—you would be gone in three days. 

All you had to do was keep your head down. 

-

Sleep wasn’t easy after the day you’d had, but your tired limbs won out after an hour or so of staring at the ceiling. The cot you’d been assigned wasn’t much for comfort, but it might as well have been the plushest mattress you’d ever felt after what you’d been sleeping on before.

You slowly opened your eyes, your grogginess fighting against you at every step, because you had the dimmest feeling that something was wrong. When you saw golden eyes above you, you nearly screamed.

You thankfully held it in, but you could feel your heart hammering in your chest. 

“What are you doing here?” you whispered.

“Sturmhond wishes to speak to you,” Tamar said, wholly unfazed as if she did this all the time. She probably did. 

“Why?” 

“My job isn’t to ask questions,” Tamar said. She left it at that, and you sighed as you pulled yourself out of the hammock. You followed her, squinting in an attempt not to bump into anything in the darkness. The Volkvolny wasn’t familiar to you yet, but it was easier once you were above deck. You rubbed the grogginess out of your eyes when she opened the door to the captain’s quarters for you. 

She didn’t follow you in, and you didn’t know whether it was a relief or not. 

“Ah. You’re here.” Sturmhond turned around from a cabinet, holding a bottle of kvas, a slight smile on his lips. “Drink?” 

“You didn’t just invite me here for a nightcap,” you said placidly, “did you?” 

“Of course not,” he said. “I thought it would remind you of home.” 

You frowned. “You’re Ravkan. Who’s to say I am too?” 

“How did you know I was Ravkan?” 

“Your accent.” 

“Then how do you think I knew you were Ravkan?” 

“Maybe I will need a drink,” you said bitterly. “It’s the only way I think I can keep dealing with you.” 

Sturmhond sighed as he poured a fair amount into two cups. “Such harsh words for a noble girl. Quite a stroke of bad luck for the daughter of a duke to end up on a slaver’s ship.” 

“Who’s to say I’m the daughter of a duke?” you asked. 

He arched an eyebrow. “Do you really want to keep playing this game?” 

You crossed your arms in response, and he shook his head with a chuckle. 

“An accent gives quite a bit away,” Sturmhond said. “It’s also obvious to anyone that looks at you—and I assume you have quite a few admirers. You speak Ravkan like a princess, like you were taught in schools rather than the streets. You have a gleam in your eye that says you still have hope. And,” he looked you up and down, “you carry yourself with confidence despite your position. Not the attitude of a girl on the other side of the ditch.” 

Your lip curled. “How astute of you.” 

“Thank you,” he said with a smile. 

“Born and raised in Os Alta,” you acquiesced. You offered a thin smile of your own back. “And I suppose you’re correct. Bad luck seems to follow me as of late.”

“You wound me,” he said, pressing a hand to his chest. “Are you claiming that my rescuing you is a continuation of your bad luck?”

“I thought you said this wasn’t a rescue, captain.”

“Sturmhond,” he said.

Your lips twitched in a momentary smile. “I thought you said this wasn’t a rescue, Sturmhond.”

“It isn’t,” he agreed, taking a sip of kvas, “it’s an opportunity. I’m just curious of what drove your choice.” 

You crossed your arms. “Strange of a pirate to be so curious about a prisoner.” 

“Privateer,” Sturmhond corrected, “and you’re no longer a prisoner.”

“My point still stands,” you said wryly. 

“Is it wrong of me to be curious?” he asked. 

“It’s pointless,” you said. “And if you’re done with your little interrogation, I’d like to get back to sleep.” 

“I’m not here to be your enemy.” He sat up, taking another sip of his drink. “Surely you understand that.”

“I understand it perfectly well,” you said. “I just don’t see why you care.”

“Fine,” he amended, “I’ll let you be. Just one more question.” Sturmhond sat up in his chair, leaning forward as he looked you straight in the eye. His were the strangest shade of green. “Why did you run?” 

You actually recoiled at his question, your reflex winning over any desire to hold back your emotions. “Excuse me?” 

He didn’t waver. “I thought my question was quite clear.”  

You picked up the cup he’d poured for you and threw it back. The kvas burned your throat—your tolerance never was all that—but it didn’t make much difference with the scowl already on your face. 

“You don’t get to ask me questions, pirate.” 

“Privateer,” you heard him correct, and it only made you slam the door harder on your way out. 

-

Three days of keeping your head down should have been easy. Sturmhond, however, appeared to have a different agenda. 

He ignored you for the entire next day, but that night, Tamar was waiting for you before you could even get to the barracks. 

“Seriously?” you asked. “Did he not get my message clearly enough last night?”

She shrugged. “He just asked to see you again. I don’t know why.”

You sighed and made an offhanded gesture. “Fine. Let’s go.”

You opened the door yourself this time when she got you there, not even bothering to shut it as you stared at Sturmhond.

“What are you playing at?” you demanded. 

“Good evening to you as well,” he said. “How did you sleep?”

“What are you playing at,” you repeated flatly. 

“I’m not playing at anything,” he said. “Is it a crime to enjoy your company?” 

Your jaw ticked, and your hands clenched into fists. “If you’re after what I—”

“I’m not after anything,” he assured with a frown, “and certainly not what you’re thinking.”

His interruption peeved you, but you found that you actually believed him. The tension eased from your shoulders ever so slightly.

“…Good,” you said after a moment. “But I still don’t understand the need for these meetings. I plan to be gone by tomorrow.”

“Because I know you,” he said. “You may not know me, but I consider myself generally knowledgeable of Ravka and its upper class.”

“What,” you said wryly, “do you want my advice on how best to rob them?”

“Of course not,” Sturmhond said. “I wouldn’t need your advice for that.”

You huffed a laugh. “So what do you want?”

“I’ve been at sea for quite some time,” he said, “and you’ve only just left Ravka. I’d very much appreciate it if you could share some of your insider knowledge on the Lantsovs.”

“You assume I have any.”

“I assume that the woman who used to be Nikolai Lantsov’s betrothed would have some,” Sturmhond replied smoothly.

Your heart stuttered for a beat at the mention of Nikolai. Any doubt Sturmhond might have had over his claim had to have dissolved with your expression. 

He arched an eyebrow. “Well?”

You allowed yourself a deep breath before you finally took the seat across from him.

“Fine,” you said. “You’ve got me. I’m the daughter of a Ravkan duke and I used to be engaged to a Lantsov prince. Did you just want to prove your knowledge?”

“Not at all.” Sturmhond wisely poured an additional glass—brandy rather than kvas, thankfully. You needed something stronger if you were to deal with this. “I want your knowledge.” 

“My being betrothed to Nikolai is why I don’t know as much as you think,” you said. You downed half the glass at once and your chest burned less than the memory. “Nikolai and I were to be wed when we were of age, yes, but he disappeared before I got the chance.”

“Disappeared?”

You nodded. “He was meant to come back after his service so we could prepare for the wedding. Instead,” your lips curled in a disdainful smile, “he up and left. The king broke off our engagement and I haven’t heard a word from Nikolai since.”

Sturmhond frowned. “My deepest apologies.”

You shrugged. “He made his choice. Apparently he’s in Ketterdam studying, but I very much doubt that. He was never good at sitting still. But wherever he is, I hope he’s still alive.” You huffed a laugh. “I cannot imagine Vasily taking the throne.”

“I’m sure he is still alive,” Sturmhond said. “And I’m sure he hasn’t forgotten you.”

“How kind of you,” you said dryly.

He was silent for a long moment before he spoke again. “You say you plan to be gone by tomorrow. Does your plan include returning to Ravka?”

“I don’t know,” you admitted. “But I ran from my family and my fate, and that’s why I ended up here. I don’t think I can go back just yet.”

“And what fate did you run from?” Sturmhond asked.

“A marriage I didn’t want,” you said plainly.

“As opposed to the marriage you did want.”

“Are we done here?” you asked. “Because I don’t think you need to know more of my personal life.”

Sturmhond smiled after a moment and nodded. “Yes. But I’d like to see you one more time tomorrow, before we officially part ways.”

“You’re not going to change my mind,” you said.

“And I don’t intend to. There’s just one last thing I wish to share with you.”

“And you can’t do that now?” you asked wryly.

“Patience is a virtue, darling.”

“Don’t call me that.”

He held up his hands. “Enjoy the rest of your night.”

“You’re very strange for a pirate,” you said.

“I’m quite normal for a privateer,” Sturmhond said.

You huffed a laugh and shook your head as you stood. “Enjoy the rest of your night, privateer.”

You felt his eyes on you as you left, and now more than ever you couldn’t shake that feeling. You looked at Tamar as you shut the door. 

“How long have you been part of his crew?”

“A few years,” she said.

“Do you ever get used to him?”

Her lips quirked into a smile. “No.”

You sighed as the two of you started to walk. “What a surprise.”

-

You were at Sturmhond’s door the next afternoon, Tamar by your side. She hadn’t come to deliver you, but on your way there she told you she would be joining you. You certainly weren’t going to refuse her.

As usual, you didn’t bother to knock. As usual, Sturmhond was sitting at his desk. Tamar followed you in and shut the door, not as usual. Your brows knit together slightly. 

“You actually came,” he said.

“Consider me intrigued,” you said. “I couldn’t just walk off and never know what you wanted to ‘share with me’.” 

The corner of his mouth curled up into an achingly familiar smile. “You’re just as fiery as I remember.”

“We just met,” you said dryly.

“On the contrary.” Sturmhond sat up, and he removed his jacket. A metal pin glinted on his vest, a crowned double eagle. The Lantsov coat of arms. Your frown deepened. “You spent the other day describing our lost time together.”

“I’m…” you blinked and shook your head. “I don’t understand.”

“I’m Nikolai Lantsov,” he said. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t make me say all my titles, though.” 

For a moment, you just stared at him. And then you laughed in complete disbelief. 

“Is that what this is? You consider me a fool?”

“On the contrary,” he repeated. “It is because of your intelligence that I deigned to reveal myself.” He offered a wry smile. “And because you don’t hate me the way you should.”

“You cannot just say something so absurd and expect to believe it,” you said. “Anyone can rummage up a coat of arms. I have not heard and or received a single word from Nikolai, and now I am supposed to believe that he is right in front of me?”

“It sounds absurd when you put it like that,” Sturmhond said with a frown. 

“Because it is absurd,” you enunciated. “I actually thank you for this, because now I know I’m making the correct choice. You may be a good captain, but you are a complete blackguard.” 

You turned and offered a tight smile to Tamar. “Please move. I’d like to leave.” 

“He speaks the truth,” Tamar said. “I promise you. He’s Nikolai Lantsov. My brother tailored him into Sturmhond at the beginning of all this, when we joined his crew. ” 

You paused and looked back at the pirate claiming to be the man you loved. “What?” 

“Nikolai Lantsov is much more valuable as a hostage on the seas,” he said. “No one spares a second glance at Sturmhond.” 

“Then change him back,” you said, looking back at Tamar. “Get your brother and make him change him back if you want even the slightest chance of me believing these lies.” 

“They are not lies,” she insisted. “And I’m not the best tailor.” 

“You’re both Grisha,” you said flatly. 

“Heartrenders,” Sturmhond (Nikolai?) supplied. “My most trusted crew. Come on, Tamar— I believe in you. Work your magic.” 

She rolled her eyes as she walked over to him, and though your immediate instinct was to take the exit you’d been given, you crossed your arms and waited as she did her work. It didn’t take long for his muddy green eyes to change to hazel, his red hair to blonde. A slightly less broken nose. 

He… he looked like the Nikolai you knew. It was staggering to just be standing across from him—or at least a mirror image of him—after so long apart. Older, more weathered, but with the same glint in his eye. The same glint that you looked forward to with each day, the glint that you remembered when you didn’t have him anymore. 

“That doesn’t mean much,” you finally said, glancing away. “If you can tailor him into Sturmhond, surely you can tailor him into a Lantsov.” 

“You overestimate my tailoring abilities,” Tamar said dryly. 

“I still don’t trust it,” you said, and you started again for the door. 

“When we were seven, I convinced you to sneak out of our etiquette lessons and go down to the river,” he suddenly said. Your hand froze on the door. “You scraped yourself on a particularly sharp rock while we were traversing the waters—you still have the scar on your ankle.”

You turned around. “How do you know that?” 

“My father held a party and your family attended,” he continued. “We were ten and it was the most boring night possible. We evaded our parents’ attention and snuck off to the kitchens.” He smiled. “I don’t think I’ve ever had so many pastries in my life.” 

A smile of your own, almost subconscious, began to form on your lips. You hadn’t thought of that party in years. 

“And when I was fifteen, the year before I enlisted, I did the worst thing I could have done to your father.” He chuckled and shook his head. “I took one of his prized swords and did all sorts of moves trying to impress you—I only managed to dent it and get banned from your home for months.” 

“I can’t believe you remember that,” you murmured. 

“And…” he sighed and opened his drawer, rummaging around for a moment. He held a ring between his fingers when he emerged, and your heart stopped beating for a second. “I still have this.” 

Your hand was shaking when you reached beneath your collar and took hold of the string around your neck. You pulled it into view, and the ring hanging on the bottom glinted in the light. 

Your engagement rings still matched perfectly. 

Nikolai’s smile was bright as you remembered as the realization hit. “And you still have yours.” 

“Of course I do,” you said. “It was a lot of work to keep it in my possession.” 

“I’m glad you went through it, then.”

“It really is you,” you whispered, letting your makeshift necklace fall back against your skin. “I— I just don’t understand. Why are you here? Why are you playing pretend as a pirate?” 

“Privateer,” he corrected. He glanced over at Tamar, still holding her post. “Could you give us a moment alone?” 

She nodded and left, shutting the door behind her. The room felt smaller with just you and Nikolai in it, with the man you were meant to marry who left you in the past. 

“I do this because I can do much more to help Ravka from the seas as Sturmhond than gallivanting around court as a second son—a bastard son at that. My parents appreciate Sturmhond much more than they would Prince Nikolai.” 

“I appreciated Prince Nikolai,” you said. “I appreciated just Nikolai. You could have at least sent a letter.” 

“I know,” Nikolai said. To his credit, he did look mournful. “If there is one thing I regret about all of this, it is how I left you. I said what I said the other day because it’s true—I have not forgotten you. I never did.” 

“Then why go through all of this with me?” you asked. “Why annoy me into spending time with you?” 

“Because I’ve always been quite good at annoying you,” Nikolai said wryly, then his expression sobered. “And because… I didn’t know how you would feel about me after all this time. Everything you said yesterday was true—I did leave you, and I haven’t said a word to you since. I wouldn’t be surprised if you hated me, and if you did, I didn’t want to force myself back into your life.” He managed another small smile. “Fortunately for me, you did not hate me.” 

“I could never hate you, Nikolai,” you murmured. “I— I loved you. For a long time, and I think I still might.” 

“Even more fortunate for me,” he said softly. 

“So why didn’t you come back?” you asked. 

“I…” he sighed, running a hand through his hair. Still cut in a military style. “You talked about how you despised your parents for forcing you into a marriage at such a young age. I didn’t want to force you into a life with me. If I had known you—” he chuckled, a boyish smile on his lips— “if I had known you loved me, I don’t know if Sturmhond would have ever come into fruition.” 

“You are the reason I was here,” you said. “My parents thought they struck gold when the king agreed to a marriage between us. I thought I had struck gold as well, in you—a marriage my parents wanted couldn’t have been all bad if you were meant to be my husband. But you left that in the dust, and they still wanted a husband for me.” 

“A marriage you didn’t want,” he echoed, his eyes soft. 

You nodded. “They did all the work behind the scenes—I was going to meet him on our wedding day, some Kerch banker’s son. And I just… couldn’t face a life like that. So I ran. And with all the luck in the world—” you gestured lazily— “I ended up here.”

“Then I suppose it’s only fair that I ended up rescuing you,” Nikolai said. 

“I thought this wasn’t a rescue,” you said wryly. 

He chuckled and shook his head. “No. It’s still an opportunity— one I think you’ll like much more.” 

You arched an eyebrow. “Oh?” 

“I plan to go back and take the throne someday,” Nikolai said, moving around his desk to be closer to you. “But I don’t want to miss another moment with you, not now. So until then,” he took your hand, encasing it between his own, and the warmth it provided was something you’d sorely missed, “will you do me the honor of sailing by my side?” 

“I’m not a sailor,” you said with a breathy laugh. 

“I can teach you,” he said eagerly. “I can teach you everything I know until you’re a better privateer than me. And you can teach me everything I’ve missed while being at sea—all the noble things I ought to know for when I return home.” 

Your lips quirked in a smile, hardly able to contain the giddiness bursting in your chest. Your life went from destruction at the hands of slavers to renewal with Nikolai Lantsov by your side once more. 

“How can I refuse?” 

Nikolai grinned, and he tugged on your intertwined hands to pull you into a kiss. It wasn’t the first one you’d shared, but it was surely the best. It felt like a promise of something new—the promise that he wouldn’t let you go like he did before. 

You were breathless when you pulled away, and the sight of Nikolai, blonde hair slightly ruffled because of you, his lips slightly red because of you, made you kiss him even harder the second time. 

Your back hit the side of his desk and Nikolai was practically on top of you, seven years of lost love pouring through him all at once. 

“And if it wasn’t clear,” Nikolai murmured between kisses, “I never stopped loving you for one moment.” 

You groaned and pulled him even closer, your hands clenched tight around the fabric of his jacket. “You wear too many clothes.” 

“Then fix it.” His voice was sultry in your ear and you didn’t know how you went seven years without him. 

You were very thankful that he asked Tamar to leave. 

[bunnwich]

Say Bunnwhich, I'm kind curious...

What got ya to love Lil Lion Leona in the 1st place? :3

WHY DO I LIKE LEONA???

Sorry for the long yap as usual but, I feel like every once in a while ppl ask me this very question and I feel like I have been in twst hell for so long it’s like ancient history now. VGBHNJMK

TBH I very strongly disliked Leona's character when he came on screen when I first started to play twst. I found Chapter 2 to be very flat compared to Chapter 1 and I had very little sympathy for him and his backstory. To me, it was clear he was just the "hot, brooding character" archetype and I had no interest in him whatsoever.

HOWEVER, when I became more active in the fandom, my friend @comingyourlugubriousness and others began to ship my Yuu with him as a joke bc of my said dislike. And, yeah I begin to write lil scenarios where they’d interact and challenged myself to make a logical way he would even be interested in my Yuu in the first place? 

THAT GOT ME THINKING and I saw how he used to be characterized in fics and stuff and I really just didn't agree??? Even to this day, I feel like some ppl go in two extremes with him. 1.) Where they wash down his personality in order for him to fit in into this “prince charming role" OR 2.) They make him the worst bastard ever, which can lead into certian problematic connotations.

When I went to write my own fics I had watched all of his vignettes and understood better what his true personality is. The main story does not do much to make him likable to a general audience sometimes IMO. And so I became interested in how and why so many ppl interpret his character so wrong?? (My opinion ofc)

And so my journey began as prob one of the biggest Leona apologists ever.

To answer the question better I guess. What do I LIKE about him?

I like him bc in order to enjoy him you really have to read between the lines and do your own work as a fan to find the intriguing parts of him! It's just fun!

I actually find him very relatable, his burnout and seemingly ultra competitive but still “work smarter” not harder attitude is something I gel with and feels very realistic for someone his age.

YES, I think his design is nice but honestly it's the least interesting thing about him to me. I will always enjoy long hair on men that's no secret. According to some friends I "have a type” but eh.

I like that he uses his sorta rude and grumpy ruse to scare ppl off. I  personally subscribe to the idea that underneath all that sass he's just a lil cantankerous grandpa stuck in a  20 year old’s body, who likes to yap about chess and dead languages. 

He’s a nerd and likes books.

He's a true hater. 💚

I feel like he'd never judge your appearance, for eating too much or being lazy.

I feel like he's a caretaker and would always look out for you.

I think he'd be a good teacher and big brother and a lot of his more amiable qualities remind me of my own S/O who is so, so smart and charismatic and who I love very much! 

I say "I think/feel" on a lot of this bc TBH the headcanons I have made for him over my time in the fandom are probably 80% the reason I like him, yk?

SO, if I had to sum it up that probably why! I could say more but I’ll spare ya’ll. 💚💚💚

[hannahbarberra162]

Struck Twice By Lightning, Chapter 7

18+ MDNI

On Ao3

I feel like stepping foot on the Red Force gives you +100 drinking XP.

Since the Red Force had only left your island a day ago, you knew the approximate location of the surrounding islands. You spoke with Building Snake and told him that if they wanted you to make sake on board, the best island for supplies would be nearby that day. Given the enthusiasm of the crew for alcohol, it wasn’t surprising that the ship was immediately re-routed to the island you mentioned. 

In the late afternoon, you were walking the streets of the familiar island with Hongo. You had been to this island many times before to market and sell your sake. You purchased the items you needed for the sake making process and Hongo carried them for you, like the gentleman he was. You wanted to speak with one of your best customers, so the two of you made your way to Friendly’s Tavern. The tavern was run by one of the most curmudgeonly and cantankerous old men you’d ever met, and today was no different. You tried your best to put on a pleasant face, since he bought a lot of your stock. The tavern had some customers drinking already, since it was a little after dinner time. The low murmur of chatter continued while you and Hongo walked up to the counter. 

“Hi Archie! Long time no see!” you smiled broadly.

Archie looked up from wiping his counter with a rag. He looked at you like you’d presented him with a dead rat.

“Girl.”

You kept trying to make headway. “I was on the island and thought I’d stop by to say hello. How are you doing?”

“Hello.” Archie did not answer your question, but this was actually an animated conversation between the two of you. You were doing well.

You didn’t hear the talking behind you quiet down, as you were trying to get Archie to say more than one word at a time. Otherwise, you would have dodged the arm that was slung around your waist.

“Archie! How are ya, old man?” Of course, as if right on cue to irritate you, was Shanks.

“Emperor Shanks! So glad to see you again!” The old man said with a bow. He was happy. No, he was practically radiating joy. Whatever magnetism Shanks produced was working in spades on this old codger.

“I see you already know my wife, are you trying to steal her away from me?” Shanks gave you a squish and gave Archie a charming smile. You scowled.

“Girl, that true? You his wife?”

“Technically yes but-”

“Why didn’t you ever say so? I’ll buy every drop of sake you make!” 

 “It must have slipped my mind,” you said with saccharine sweetness. Shanks leaned his head against yours in what would be seen as a sweet gesture.

“See?” he murmured to you, “I’m good for business.” You weren’t looking at him but you knew - you knew - he was smirking.

“I don’t need your help,” you hissed at him. “I get plenty of business on my own.” 

“Once I tell customers it’s Red Haired Shanks’s sake, they’ll buy it for any price.” You nodded at the idiotic bar owner with a smile. Inside, you were furious. You had worked hard to make a name for yourself - without him. Now it was going to be known as Shanks’s sake once the word got out. And there was no putting that cat back in the bag. 

Still, you didn’t want to contradict or diminish Shanks in front of others - that wasn’t the kind of person you were. Sure, you’d give him hell in private or just in front of the crew, but you’d never say a word against him in public. He was an Emperor, after all, and his reputation was important. 

You were tired of talking to this old goose and left the counter to go sit at a table. Whatever Shanks said to the owner made him laugh and give out bottles - of your brew - for the crew. Now felt like a great time to start drinking.

~~~~~

You were right, drinking was a great choice. Your sake was phenomenal, of course, and you were enjoying quite a lot of it. Evidently, the crew had been well received by the islanders previously because a crowd came to party with the Red Haired pirates. Some of the men were flirting with locals, some arm wrestling, and some just chatting casually. Shanks was off…doing whatever …you had lost sight of him, and didn’t care to find him. You were sitting next to Yasopp, Gab, and Monster, exchanging jokes and stories. You had relaxed a little and were feeling a pleasant buzz. You heard a distant din getting louder and louder.

“...just to exclude me!” A female voice was raging at Benn. You didn’t look over but you and your friends exchanged looks and started to listen in. Everyone liked a bit of drama now and again, especially when it was happening to Benn. For some reason, when he was involved, it was always amusing.

“We aren’t taking new crewmates.” Benn said to a young woman. 

“Is it because I’m a woman? Or that you think I’m weak because I’m a woman?” Ha! Benn was going to have to talk his way out of that one. This was getting good. You had a satisfied grin on your face.

“No, that’s not -”

“Because I see you have a new female crew member. She wasn’t here the last time with you guys.” Wait, why was she getting you involved? You didn’t do anything. You weren’t even actually a member of this stupid crew! Your smile started to falter.

“In fact, I bet I can beat her in a duel.” Oh no. No no no no. You tried to duck behind a laughing Yasopp, who was enjoying the escalating situation. Beckman was trying to calm the irate young woman, who just shouted louder. 

“If I beat her in a duel, I get to take her spot on the crew. Hey! Old lady! I challenge you - 

Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it - hey I’m not old - don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

“- to a duel, pirate’s rules!”

FuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuck. Why couldn’t you just have one nice night?

You had to accept. Pirate’s rules meant that if you rejected her challenge, it would be a loss of reputation for the whole crew. You were annoyed at the situation and very annoyed at the woman. The bar was silent, waiting for your answer. You stood up, gave a scathing look to the young woman, and said “I accept.” The bar broke into a raucous cheer. You held up your pointer finger and the crowd hushed immediately.

“As you know, under Pirate’s rules, I as the challenged get to choose the method.”

The woman grinned wildly and laughed. “That’s no matter, I am as good with a sword as I am with a pistol.”

“I choose drinking contest” you said flatly. The crowd cheered even louder than before.

“Wh-what?” The girl looked around at the roaring crowd, unsure of what to do. “That’s not - that’s not something you can-”

“I can and I did. I can choose any method. If I wanted to, we could be having a spelling bee. Let’s get this over with.” 

A small table had been cleared and two chairs sat opposing one another. You sat down with a thud in one, arms crossed. This was such a waste of your time - and booze too. You glowered at Benn, even though it wasn’t his fault she had challenged you. He shrugged his shoulders, happy he didn’t have to deal with the lady anymore. While others were getting the glasses and alcohol, you spoke to the woman quickly. 

“Listen girl -”

“I am no girl, I am Tiffany of the  -”

“Ok, then shut up and listen, Tiffany. I’m gonna say this now before you get too drunk to remember. If you’re gonna make it as a sea-faring woman, you need to know the code.”

“I know the Pirate’s Code -”

“Shut. Up. Not the stupid fucking Pirate’s Code. The Code of the Daughters of the Seas. Rules for she-pirates.”

“Daughters of the seas is a myth. Captain Niamh is just a fairy tale for little girls.” Tiffany tossed her head back.

You grinned wolfishly. “I hope you say that to her face. Now, drink up Tiff.” You handed her the first shot, and took yours in hand. “Here’s to a massive hangover,” you said and downed yours. 

~~~

A few hours and many shots later, Tiffany was face down on the table. You took your last shot with ease, slammed the glass upside down on the table, and stood up. You raised your arms in triumph, and your crew applauded and whooped for you. Rockstar lifted you up on his shoulders as you took your victory lap around the bar, laughing and shaking patron’s hands. You were the winner, but you were also pretty drunk. OK, very drunk. You patted Rockstar’s head and asked for him to put you down. You ambled outside to get a breath of fresh air after all the heavy drinking. You were leaning against a brick wall, watching the moon, when someone joined in next to you.

“Hi Sh-Shanks. Come to congratulate me for saving the honor of your cr-crew?” You were slurring - not a good sign of things to come.

“You didn’t have to do that, you know.”

“I d-did. It was pirate’s ru-rules.” 

Shanks hummed in response. “How are you feeling?”

“Great. Never felt b-better.” Why was he being serious now, of all times? 

He stayed next to you, not speaking. You were in fact, not feeling great. Your head was starting to spin, and you wanted to lay down. You sank down onto your heels, using the wall as back support. You put your head in your hands, which only made things worse.

“Shanks? Sh-shanks?” You wondered if he had left.

‘I’m here.” 

“I th-think I n-need to leave.”

“Figured. C’mere.” He scooped you up to hold you, and you put your head in the crook of his neck. He was warm and smelled like pine sap, and you just wanted to roll up into him. He started walking towards the wharf with you in his arm.

“Shanks?... Thanks for carrying me.”

“You’re welcome.” You were quiet for a few minutes until you couldn’t keep your thoughts to yourself any longer.

“Shanks? I missed you s-so mu-much. I cried for-forever .”

“Is that so? We can talk more later.”

“OK.” A few more minutes passed in silence.

“Shanks? Are you m-mad at m-me?” You felt your eyes filling with tears.

“No, not at all. I just don’t… want to have this conversation now. I think you’ll regret it.”

“S-sometimes I regret le-leaving.”

“Mmm.”

“W-why are y-you being so nice to m-me?”

“Well, you’re my wife, after all.”

“Then may-maybe you can be my hus-husband again, after all.” You snuggled closer into Shanks's neck and closed your eyes, feeling more content than you had in years. You had a distant thought that this was a bad idea, but you couldn’t remember why. 

[2uuno]

Skyjacks: Legends

or, three times jonnit kessler met gods

The first time Jonnit Kessler saw a god, he was 10 years old, and his neighbor was very sick.

He didn't know it was a god at first- he certainly didn't look like one. He was thin, lanky, with short whitish hair and a gaunt face and bulging brown eyes. The shadows cast in his face by his white cloak made him look ghoulish, yes, but not particularly holy.

“Hello,” He called, lifting a hand in a wave. “You here to visit Miss Rosa?”

The man paused, blinking at him. “I- I- mmm… Yes.”

“That's good,” Jonnit smiled. “She could use the company.”

The man hesitated for a moment before nodding. “Right.”

“Okay, I'll let you do that, then.”

Two days later, the coroners came to get her body. Jonnit watched them carry her out with wide eyes. She’d been dead for a little over a day and a half, apparently. Since the man showed up.

Come to think of it, he’d never seen the man leave.

The second time Jonnit saw a god, he was at the market with his father, 13 years old, and he had no idea what to do with the eye that had appeared on his forehead a little over a week ago. He was trailing behind his father, headband over his third eye, watching the people run around, hawking wares and shouting and bargaining.

And then he saw a crowd gathered around a low table, and two men playing cards. This was nothing unusual, the market was a common meeting place for card players. However, the closer he got, the stranger he felt. A wave of emotion, an emotion he couldn't name, washed over him, and he paused to gasp.

His father didn't notice as he pressed onwards into the crowd, fighting his way closer to the game.

Two men sat across from each other, a game of Illimat happening between them. One was leaning forward, visibly sweating, teeth clenched, but the other lounged back in his seat, sharp black eyes evenly scanning his cards without a care in the world.

Finally, he smiled, picked a card from his hand, placed it down, and chuckled. “Good game.”

The man across from him froze, before howling in rage. “You can't- you cheated, you must have! I know it!”

The silver haired man held up his hands in a playful surrender, his sleeves sliding back to reveal dozens of watches on his wrists. “I don't know what you mean, this was all fair and legal.”

The loser shrieked, jumping at him, but the men in the crowd lunged forward, hauling him off, nervous whispers among them.

Jonnit watched curiously as the man flashed a grin, raising his hand. “Anyone else care to play?”

The crowd fell silent. Someone murmured something about fae tricks, and the man's impossibly dark eyes shot to them, his grin going almost snarl-like.

“I'll play,” Jonnit called. “I'm not super good, though, you gotta go easy on me.”

“I'm afraid I don't do that, little man,” The man said, his smile returning full force. “Come, sit.”

Jonnit sat.

Illimat was a complicated game, and Jonnit really was not a good player, but as the game went on, whispers began to snake through the crowd. At one point, Jonnit played a card and the man let out a surprised laugh, and someone in the group let out a gasp.

And then, a round or two later, it was over.

“Nice game,” Jonnit beamed, extending a hand to shake with the man. “I thought you weren't gonna go easy on me, though?”

“I didn't,” The man said, calmly wrapping his hand around Jonnit's. “That was something else, kid.”

“Jonnit!” Jonnit's father called. “We need to get home!”

Jonnit sprung to his feet, giving the man a quick bow before darting away, not even noticing the small token tucked in his palm until he had reached the wagon and started homeward.

The third time he met a god, he was fifteen, and the Uhuru was sinking.

Not very quickly- Spit was desperately shoveling coal into the furnace while the fighting raged on around them, but they were going down.

They'd made the mistake of trying to raid the Civility, a ship that was by far out of their reach, and they were paying the price.

Captain Orimar let out a hollar as his shoulder was clipped by a knife, swinging a mighty fist and catching the attacker in the jaw, breaking it in one blow, and Jonnit felt a wave of respect and awe rush through him.

It was dark, and the deck was poorly lit, but Jonnit's eyes were sharp, so when a shadow darted between the sails and ropes and mast, he noticed.

Nodoze noticed too.

“Captain!” He yelled. “They’re here.”

Jonnit knew what that meant.

The Angel of War, a terrible being who rode a griffin into battle and stood twenty feet tall. They were here, and they would kill anyone else who was here.

The crew began stumbling towards the stairs to the lower deck, but Jonnit's foot caught on a rope and he tripped, falling hard, his head slamming into his arm. He screamed as the bone cracked.

A pair of boots appeared before him, and he craned his head back to blearily look at the man before him.

The man raised a hook, and Jonnit let his head fall again.

When he woke up, he was in a soft bed, tucked in up to his chin. Faintly, he heard music and cheering and clapping, and his arm was in a sling.

He felt… well, he felt fine.

In the corner, wrapped in gauzy white fabric, sat a figure. When Jonnit sat up with a groan, a single shining brown eye cracked open.

It was the man from Miss Rosa's house. Jonnit didn't know how he recognized him, after all these years, but he knew it, he knew it had to be.

“Don't - don't - don't move,” The man said, calmly despite the stammer. “You've got- uh- a concussion and a broken arm. You need- mm- time to h-heal.”

Jonnit blinked slowly. “Am I dead?”

The man tilted his head. “Wh-wh-what? No.”

“Oh,” He frowned. “But the Angel of War…?”

The door swung open and a massive person stepped in, a raven on their shoulder. “Dref, we brought you ale- oh, he's awake.”

“Hi,” Jonnit said, feeling silly. “I'm Jonnit.”

“Gable,” They smiled politely, sticking out their hand. “It's a pleasure to meet you. You had a nasty fall on the ship, I saw.”

“Wait,” Jonnit said, pulling his hand back right as it brushed their impossibly cool palm. “You're the Angel, aren't you?”

Gable paused, their face twisting. “Where'd you hear that title?”

“Is that not what you are? An angel that became a god? A god of war?”

“I- oh, I'm not a god. I'm a former angel, yes, but- these two are more god-like than me.”

“Yes, well,” The raven suddenly said. “That's not saying much. Dref and I… well… I’m essentially as holy as you get.”

Gable swatted at it and it fluttered to land on the headboard.

“Your voice… I remember you,” Jonnit realized. “You were the Illimat player in the market who gave me that coin thing!”

“My token, yes,” The bird said, a smile in his voice. “Basically, if you were ever to need me, I would be able to find you with that. You're welcome.”

“Is that how you guys saved me?” Jonnit asked, awed. “You could tell I was in danger and brought me… wherever this is?”

“Port Rådjurshjärta.” Gable said.

“That's dozens of miles off course- how long was I out?”

“A few hours,” The pale man, Dref, said. “Travis helped guide your crew here.”

“I'm a different bird,” The raven, Travis, said, a grin audible in his voice. Some sort of inside joke? “We'll be leaving in the morning since you're up, just wanted to make sure you were fine.”

“You guys… you guys are gods, or something, right? The god of death, the god of war and the god of luck,” Jonnit snapped his fingers. “I've heard of you guys.”

“No, we're not g-” Gable said, but Travis spread his wings, posturing proudly.

“We are, in fact, gods, yes,” He posed for a second, then tilted his head. “You better remember this day, kid. It's probably the only time you'll ever get the privilege to see us again.”

The next day, as the crew packed up, Jonnit searched the crowd for the gods. Everyone there knew the gods had been there- Nodoze especially seemed to be searching- but no one could say where they went.

Jonnit approached the man as they sailed off, tugging his sleeve as he worked. “You met them, didn’t you? You met the gods too?”

“I did,” Nodoze said, solemnly. “I saw the Angel.”

“They’re so cool, aren’t they?”

The man fell silent, a strand of hair falling in front of his face. He swiped it away, leaning on the railing of the ship, watching the land retreat.

“They are.” He murmured, softly, and Jonnit felt like he was missing something very important.

Secretly, as he gazed at the sea far far below, he promised to himself he would see the gods again, and would repay them for all they'd done for him.

[andreal831]

What do you think of Kol/Davina?

Y'all already know you aren't going to like this one.

But Kolvina is probably my least favorite of the Mikaelson canon ships. And yes some of that is due to the fact that Kol is my least favorite Mikaelson. But a lot of it is just based on how young Davina is and how young the show continues to remind us she is. Also, how little effort was put into this ship.

In season 1, Davina is 16 years old, only a year younger than Elena was in season 1 of TVD. Davina, I believe is the same age as Jeremy. However, with everything being aged up in TO (the characters, the love interests, the maturity/violence), Davina comes across as even younger. And this is done purposefully. Davina in season 1 is put into these white, babydoll dresses for most of the season, despite it being unnecessary as she's living in an attic. Her hair is typically very simple and her makeup minimal to give her a youthful look. The show is trying to remind us how young she truly is.

This is not only done with her clothes, makeup, hair, etc. But also with how the characters talk about her. I made an edit one time of how differently Rebekah treated Elena and her friends versus Davina. She treats Davina like a child, like a daughter, when Davina is only a year or two younger than the teenagers Rebekah and her siblings had just spent a couple of years harassing/killing. You also have Vincent, Cami, and Marcel treating her like a child (cause she is one) and worrying about the responsibility that has been put on her. Even her relationship with Josh keeps reminding us of how young and even naïve she is when she isn't aware of things he talks about because she's been so sheltered and is a literal teenager.

The show is reminding us how young and innocent she is so she appears much younger than the characters in the show we just watched (TVD). This is because we need to be angry at the ancestors and the witches for what they've done to her. But mostly because we need to separate it from Klaus sacrificing a 17 year old just a couple of seasons before. Elena was made to seem older so that we could set aside the fact that these 100+ year old men were not only sleeping with her, but continually putting her life in danger. But the opposite is true for Davina.

So then when, in season 2, Kol is brought back as a witch sent to charm Davina, she is still a child to the audience. Yes, she's gained more agency, but you can't just erase all of the footwork the show did to make her appear so much younger than everyone else. And yes, I know the argument that Kol was turned at 17 so they are basically the same age. But I've already discussed how that argument doesn't hold weight with me here.

I'll move on from the age thing though. Another one of my issues with the ship is the bait-and-switch Kol essentially does to Davina. Davina was the biggest Mikaelson-anti. Some of it I think was exaggerated to create conflict in season 1, but no matter what the reason was, she wanted them dead. Kol enters, lying to her about who he is and she is swept away by his charm. Kol spends the better part of a month manipulating a teenager who feels abandoned by everyone. Only to learn the truth and feel betrayed by him. He winds up winning her over because he wants her help to take down Klaus. Only to then betray her once again as soon as Klaus gives him any attention. Where is the Davina we know and love from season 1 who had Marcel, Elijah, and Klaus literally on their knees for lying and betraying her??

I've talked about Kol's development falling flat to me before, so I won't go into too much depth here. But Kol was the stereotypical younger brother. He pretends he is too good for his family, but as soon as Klaus gives Kol any type of attention, even negative, Kol is buddy-buddy with him again. The scene where Davina is watching Kol hug Klaus after Klaus nearly attacked her will always stand out to me. The look of betrayal in her face.

We never really see Kol work to gain Davina's trust or love. He just has it. It doesn't help that a lot of their relationship happens off screen, but what we do see just makes me sad for Davina. Also just the fact that Kol is Marcel's least favorite of the Mikaelsons since, you know, he actively tried to kill Marcel as a child, would make it even harder for Davina. She is constantly being pulled in different directions and at no point do we see Kol trying to make it easier on her. He doesn't work to rebuild his relationship with Marcel or the witches or even Josh. He just pops in and out (yes, I know it was partly due to them both dying constantly) of her life and her feelings are just expected to be there.

This idea that Davina sees Kol as "the best of the Mikaelsons" also just highlights how little she actually knows about him. At least with Cami and Klaus, Klaus has told Cami nearly every awful thing he's done. She is going in with eyes wide open. Even Elijah and Hayley, Hayley knows who he is and even goes into his mind and sees it first hand. Whether they would have ever gotten back together after that is up for debate (they would have, there's no debate), but again, she is making an informed decision. Davina sees Kol in isolated instances where their goals align. And when they don't Davina is just expected to put hers aside and go along with Kol, which the audience is okay with since it's supporting the fan fav family.

The version of Kol we get in season 4 and 5, the small glimpses we see, are don't have anything in common with the Kol we knew throughout TVDU. Like I said in my post about Kol's development, he essentially becomes whatever character the show wants him to be. There is zero reason given for his development other than him falling for Davina. I'm sorry, but men do not just change who they fundamentally are because they fall in love and that is a dangerous message to put out there.

To me Kol and Davina were a plot device to make Davina more hesitant to go after the Mikaelsons and to also cause conflict within the family. They have some cute moments, but I never truly believed their love for each other was anything more than infatuation.

Thanks for the ask! Sorry if it wasn't what you wanted

<3

*Marcel when he finds out Kol is the witch Davina's been seeing*

[discogirl69]

I was a weird kid, I had weird tastes in men/fictional characters growing up. I still do even as an adult. I was one of the feral teens who liked Stan Pines (while most of my friends either fawned over Bill Cipher or Ford I was a Stan gorlie) and the reason why was because of the zombie episode of season two of Gravity Falls, it altered my brain chemistry forever.

With the Book of Bill that recently came out and my new hyperfixation that was an old hyperfixation that returned, I am back to being an unhinged mystery lore whore who has been watching videos about the new book and rewatching the Gravity Falls show. (Also I know im a feral shit for Stan because my ass kept giggling anytime he said some shit on screen or did something) all of this has brought back the serotonin I severely missed that I used to have when I was younger.

Did I have an oc that I shipped with Stan back in the day? Yes. Am I redrawing and rewiting her backstory agin because I'm feral for Stan again? Also yes.

Cringe is dead and I AM FREE!

[callofdudes]

Wherever you go.

Ghost x Soap. Angst.

"Would you ever move back to Scotland with me?" Johnny asks, interrupting the comforting silence between the two. Their hands occasionally meet, fingers mingling. Johnny enjoys the warmth of Ghost's glove, wishing to feel the rough, calloused skin underneath it. The warm breeze is a comforting touch to the morning they share alone on the porch of the safehouse.

Ghost pulls his cigarette from his lips, smoke drifting from his lips into the morning air. He exhales quietly, his gaze never leaving the open plain.

"What do you mean?" Ghost asks, knocking ash off the edge of his cigarette before placing it back between his lips.

"You know what I mean... Would you ever want to retire with me some day? Head back to Scotland, love near my family. Just you and me."

Johnny looks at Ghost, finally having the courage to slip his palm against Ghost's, fingers intertwining together.

"Bold of you to assume we'd even make it that long."

Johnny scoffs, nudging him with his shoulder. "Stop saying that. Just drop the possibilities and pretend for a moment... Would you??"

Ghost hums. "I would."

He exhales smoke, pressing the bud of the cigarette into the step, dragging the ash marking over the stone before flicking it from his fingers in the ash tray beside him.

Johnny shifted closer, leaning his head on Ghost's shoulder. "I think we'd do nicely with a cat. A nice little flat, a view like this... Possibly even near that bakery you like."

"Got our whole futures planned out do ya Johnny?"

"Aye. Haven't stopped thinking about spending my life with you y'know?"

Ghost turns his head, pressing his warm lips to the side of Johnny's head, pressing a kiss against his scalp.

"I'd go wherever you go. Dead or alive. I'd rather be buried close to you than some sappy funeral ground around other dead men... Not like anyone would show up."

"I'd be there." Johnny corrects.

"Of course you would."

The silence continues for a minute, the both of them sitting on the words before Johnny speaks again.

"So you'll come with me?"

"Yes. I will."

Johnny smiles softly, looking out at the view. "Maybe instead of a normal funeral, I'll arrange us to be burned on old ships. Like vikings and kings."

Ghost huffed in amusement. "I'd actually like that. Sounds less stupid than being buried in the ground. I don't want there to be a corpse to find when I die."

"Why not?"

"Because when I go down I'm taking the Riley name with me. I don't see the importantance."

"So I'll just have us buried in the same coffin together. Holding hands."

Ghost scoffs. "Did you not hear anything I just said??" Johnny leans up, capturing his lips in a kiss. "All I heard were wedding bells~"

Ghost rolled his eyes, cupped Johnny's jaw and kissed him again. "You're insufferable."

"And yet you love me so much~"

"Got that damn right..."

Johnny smiled, closing his eyes, squeezing Simon's hand.

.....

John's fingers twirled the cold metal chain gently around his warm index finger. The cool chain warming his skin.

He looked out at the deep valley, rolling green hills and a cool breeze to the warm summers morning.

He looked down, running his thumb over the jar in his hand.

"Ok Simon..."

He gently placed the jar into the hole he'd dug and covered it back up. "Just as you wanted it... Nothing can bother you out here."

He continued to twirl his fingers in the chain, feeling it leave marks on his skin as he gripped it tightly.

He sat on the ground, reading the name on the small post he'd shoved into the ground.

Simon Riley.

He wished he could have wrote more but he didn't know if Simon would want that. He didn't really know what Simon wanted... He'd talked about death but John had always cut him off before he got to far.

All he really knew was Simon wanted John to outlive him or they'd go out in a blaze of glory together.

John didn't move, even as tears swelled and he felt his chest tighten when his throat constricted. Even when those tears slipped down his cheeks.

"It'll be nice and quiet up here for you..."

"I know you'd like that..."

He clears his throat. "We did have a little funeral. Nothing big... Price and Gaz were there..." His bottom lip trembled. "Alejandro and Rodolfo came too... Just to say goodbye to you..."

"I won't be far away... It's a big hike but I know it's right. And I'll come visit you always. Ok?"

He gulped. "And I'm... Gonna bring you flowers too, just so you don't get lonely up here. Make it look nice and pretty for you."

He wiped the tears from his cheeks, blinking away the pain. "I killed them..." John remembered it. Holding that knife to the man's throat, watching the blood pour as he gurgled and begged. He remembered feeling the agony, the anger and the sadness as he walked back out of that room.

"I gutted them for what they did to you..."

He looked down at the dog tags in his hand, smoothing his thumb over the engraving.

Simon Riley.

John curled up, pressing his lips to the dog tags, trembling as he cried. He buried his head in his knees, sobbing his heart out on that mountain top.

Ghost had tried to warn him, but nothing could stop this pain he felt losing Simon. His Simon.

He'd tear the world apart for taking away the person he loved with all his heart.

He'd make sure the world never forgot Ghost. That he would be admired and praised for everything he did. Simon Riley would live on in his heart. In the hearts of those who held him dear.

"I love you, Simon..."

Little thing. Iffy on posting it but who cares, it's 1 in the morning and I'm bored. Raw, one take thing so it's unedited. Cheers GhostSoap lovers.

[joanna-lannister]

I promised I would make a masterlist of all my favorite JC fanfictions, so here you go. Those fics aren't sorted out by Canon or AU, they are just a mix of what I loved over the years.

How My Story Ends by Millie55 Cersei and her army arrive in Winterfell to aide in the battle against the Night King. Or Cersei and Jaime reunite in Winterfell.

Casablanca by LordStannisTheGodDamnMannis666 Tywin extends Jaime’s business trip abroad at short notice with express instructions to fly directly to the next country. Jaime however rather likes the idea of a detour, and he knows the perfect person to join him. Aka As long as he gets there by Monday morning it doesn’t really matter what he does in the meantime, does it?

They Want to Make Me Their Queen by Millie55 Cersei has lost everything except 2 things: Jaime, and her Kingdom.

Until Death Do Us Part by LordStannisTheGodDamnMannis666 A new law is passed in parliament that changes Jaime and Cersei's lives for good, allowing them the opportunities, freedom, and happiness that they once could only dare to hope for.

my blood alone remains by houselannister The Austrian Princess is barely fourteen when she leaves her homeland for France. She speaks very little French, and is wilful, stubborn and capricious. She leaves Vienna with an escort of two thousand men, loyal Austrian soldiers.

The Ribbon by Magnolie Cersei is shipped off to France by their mother to part her from Jaime. But there is no without each other for them, only together.

Oh come all ye faithful by Magnolie Jaime and Cersei have their own ways and excuses to escape the boring Christmas Parties and even if they have to stay... there is always a way to spice things up.

therefore each to other bound by copacet Having escaped Stark custody, Jaime returns to King's Landing during the Battle of the Blackwater—thus solving some of his family's problems while also creating several new ones.

of love and beauty by liesmyth “We’re lions.” Jaime’s hand clasped around her own. “Let them all choke on it.”

The Price of Love by nightingalesighs Cersei studies her sleeping twin’s face one night trying to pinpoint when Jaime’s feature’s had changed. When his hair had started going grey and what caused the wrinkles on his familiar face.

She's always been afraid of storms by vwoolf Cersei's afraid of storms and seeks out her brother's company.

you gave away what you never really had, and now your purse is empty, I can see why you're sad by houselannister It's been five years since Jaime left London. Now Tywin is dead, and business is business. Cersei flies to Paris to get what's hers.

foreshore by lutece Still, the lions linger—perhaps they are dead across the sea, but in Pentos they have flourished with their cub.

The Better Cure by corrielle After being unhorsed by Loras Tyrell on Prince Joffrey's name day, Jaime visits Cersei to soothe his wounded pride.

perihelion by houselannister London, 2020 - After Tywin Lannister's death, Jaime and Tyrion uncover their father's most precious secret: a hidden sister. Money and power intersect with family and obsession.

Prophecies & Promises by spinsterclaire When the 18-year old Lannister twins find themselves locked out of their father's townhome, they visit an old acquaintance to escape the Manhattan blizzard. There, they must confront their fears about keeping promises, accepting fate, and bringing new life into the world.

Study Me, Study You by LordStannisTheGodDamnMannis666 Jaime needs help with his homework, and who better to help than Cersei?

Take My Hand, The Night Grows Ever Colder by LordStannisTheGodDamnMannis666 Across the Narrow Sea, in a stone house on the shore of Pentos, Cersei Lannister dreams of her children.

The Loneliest Girl in Town by Millie55 Cersei fears she may have lost Jaime for good - every last piece of him.

Quiet. by frozenpapers Tywin interrupts Cersei and Jaime.

Hush. by frozenpapers A phone call interrupts Cersei and Jaime.

[archeronfilm]

The Fifth Element (1997)

"I don't care, he should have been a butch lesbian."

In case you don't want spoilers, or to hear my long verbose in-detail thoughts on this movie, here's the short and sweet version:

The Fifth Element is raunchy, corny, and campy in all the right ways, and some of the wrong ones. It's far from a perfect movie, but I really enjoyed watching and rewatching it, and I would recommend it! I guess um, 4/5 stars, maybe.

Okay, now let's get serious. I saw the first 15 minutes of this movie while visiting my mother, found it so intriguing that I watched it with a friend, and then watched it again to write this review. Let's get into the meat of it. Spoilers for a 30 year old movie ahead.

Word Count: 6,082

Okay, The Fifth Element (1997), dir. Luc Besson, is a sci-fi comedy starring such greats as Bruce Willis and Gary Oldman, who I've been in love with since I watched Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead (1990).

We open in Egypt in 1914, in a scene I can only describe as "Mummy-esque." Seriously, this scene came on in my mother's living room and I thought we were watching a yet unseen installation of The Mummy or Indiana Jones. It contains, among other things, an incredibly hammy and not-at-all-subtle dump of exposition. They go out of their way to gravitate back to this wall of runes several times, to make sure you know as much background lore as possible. A later scene renders this odd choice kind of unnecessary, but I'll concede its existence for one key reason-- the Mondoshawan.

The Mondoshawan are the good-guy aliens in this movie, though they're only featured on screen two times, one of them being this scene. Their space ship looms awesomely over this strange Egyptian exposition-temple, and they are a star example of one of the best parts of this movie.

All the effects, or at least as many of them as possible, are practical. Of course, it's a movie made in the 90's, so they would be. But the beautifully clunky and real toddling of these men in alien costumes was a dead-ringer for New Who, and it was incredibly endearing to me. I am a major believer in the power and merit of practical effects and the tragedy of computer generation. And this movie is *swimming* in practical effects. It's a delight.

I will say there's this bit where the leader Mondoshawan is toddling towards this very slowly closing stone door and he doesn't make it through because his very slow waddling is somehow slower than the door is, and I think it was supposed to be semi-serious but I laughed at it. It was just a little ridiculous.

The back half of this first scene feels kind of oddly paced, like it's rushed, which is odd to me considering the scene didn't hold back on dumping as much stuff on me as possible just a few minutes ago. Very strange scene, seems to only have one purpose, which I'll get back to later.

So, flash forward 30 years to something dramatically different in aesthetic and vibe, of course. We're in space. We're gritty, we're militaristic, of course. There's an evil fucking orb of fire flying towards the Earth at top speed. Things aren't looking great.

The president, a man with eyes of a frightening shade, is black! This is not plot relevant, but I find the tendency of movies from this period to feature black presidents far before Obama's term to be really interesting. Is this social commentary? A thoughtful statement about how fantastical the idea of a black man in office is to the average American? I will never know. I really like this character, he's a fun guy. He has more personality than most president characters do, probably due to him being on an awesome spaceship with a team of nodding yes-men in a delightfully Star Trek-esque uniform. I like him a lot. He's my boy.

This is the same scene where we get introduced to Vito Cornelius, a priest who appears to be Catholic because he does the sign of the cross later in the movie, even though I definitely assumed he was some weird member of the church of the Fifth Element or something.

Cornelius is here to suggest that the ball of fire is sentient and evil, and that the president shouldn't shoot it with missiles, because it's so sentient and evil that it'll get even sentienter and eviler. Of course, the president disregards this warning, because that's what movie presidents do to random old men in robes.

From this blunder comes one of the many incredibly hard lines in this movie. Where Mr. President tells Staedert, his military commander, "I have a doubt." and Staedert replies "I don't, Mister President" and then presses the fire button on the huge gigantic missiles. It's awesome, only slightly undercut by the fact that it doesn't work and Staedert and his crew get fucking obliterated right after. By the evil sentient ball which shoots out a flare of flames that has an evil spooky skull in it. That's not a joke at all, that seriously happens in this scene. I laughed.

Now we smash cut to Bruce Willis. He's Korben Dallas, this sort of gritty ex-military guy with a very cute cat. I love this cat. She is an adorable, slightly cross eyed white longhair. It's honestly a tragedy and a waste that she was only in like two scenes. She should have been ever-present, fitted with Air Bud esque mouth animation so she could act as Bruce Willis' voice of reason throughout the film.

Korben Dallas is trying to quit smoking. He's a cab driver who's dogshit at driving his cab and is mere seconds away from losing his license. He is, and I quote, "Still stuck on that two-timing slut." He wants a perfect woman. There are about two Chekov's guns in that last block of text.

He opens his first scene with us in what I can only describe as the sluttiest most hot and sweaty chest binder I've ever seen. And a pair of tight belted leather boots that it really seems like he fell asleep wearing.

And then he gets mugged by a guy, presumably so they can show us how much he knows about guns, and that he has been mugged enough that he now has a secret shelf that is just completely full of guns. Hilarious. I love this bit. It's not even relevant, I just loved it.

Okay so the evil sentient ball of fire. We didn't forget about that. This scene is one that confused me really badly during my rewatch. Here, Cornelius explains in full detail and in much less vague terms than before what the Fifth Element does and why they need it to save Earth from this evil ball of fire. This scene renders most of the in-narrative purpose of the first scene moot. The only reason it now exists (other than some background stuff that could probably have been introduced in a less odd way) is to address a more meta issue, which I'll get to later. But while I was watching it, I couldn't help but think "Well... then what the hell were we doing in the desert with Luke Perry?"

In this scene, we get to see the Mondoshawans again for the final time, so we can introduce the bad guy aliens, the Mangalores. They jack the stones (the elements) from the Mondoshawan ship and blow them up.

I thought this scene was supposed to set up the stereotypical "military incompetent" idea that's often present in this type of sci fi, but the president honestly makes mostly good decisions that don't make him feel like a bumbling idiot once through the entire movie. Honestly, he's kind of cool. I like him.

Okay, now that the Mangalores have been tragically exploded, we get the vehicle towards one of our main characters. Using a saved body part from the Mangalores and some utterly and delighfully made up genetic scienceology, we recreated the perfect genes of some alien into... a skinny white girl with the orangest hair I've ever seen. This scene features one of the only costuming choices in the movie that I truly hate. Leeloo's weird strap undies (and subsequent inability to wear normal pants, but mostly these strap undies?). I just hate it. Why is it here. It's not even that sexy looking. She looks like a ham in an asylum.

The set design in this movie is also delightfully Whovian and Star-Trek-ish. Tinfoil walls, lava lamp type sensibilities. The costumes are camp the set is camp, everything is camp. It's an absolute whale. The costumes the policemen wear while chasing runaway Leeloo are just hilarious. Many fantastic choices made all around, except for those fucking weird underpants.

Some of the sci-fi concepts in this movie FEEL overplayed and hammed up, and then I remember that it was released when a lot of this stuff was new and in-vogue, and it becomes an interesting exercise in perspective. Maybe they were pioneers, what do I know? I'm having an absolute ball.

Okay, so Leeloo falls directly through the roof of Korben Dallas' cab, and before you say anything, I do have many choice words throughout this recap/review about the infamous trope borne of this movie, "Born Sexy Yesterday," and I am aware of its existence. These opinions are sprinkled throughout alongside my others.

So Bruce Willis seems to be a big fan of this strange woman who, especially in this scene, acts very childlike. Korben's interest doesn't really read as creepy in this scene, until later when he randomly assaults her. You know, like a creep would do. I digress.

Leeloo knows how to read Roman lettering, and while I understand this choice in this scene, I do think it doesn't make sense and kills a little bit of world building. Whatever. Language guy complaining about language stuff.

Speaking of world building, there are a lot of worldbuilding things conveyed visually and through dialog in this movie that arent ham-fisted exposition vomit, and I am very fond of them. The hitch inside the rear door of Dallas' cab, saying Leeloo "doesn't have a file," the Fog? That is never explained? This world has some suggestion of richness and intrigue that I love to see from sci-fi. They waste no time painting "THIS IS THE POINT" with big red letters, because it's just setdressing, and I think that ultimately makes these details really sing.

I love the dialog and energy in the high speed chase scene, the vertical train, the Fog??? The way this movie doesn't need to explain itself. Until it does explain itself. Blatantly. And then I get sad.

In a lot of ways, I think this movie's actual plot is the least interesting part of it. More on this later.

It also *really* seems like this movie was sponsored by McDonald's.

A nearly unconscious Leeloo begs Korben Dallas to take her to Cornelius, before passing out with such cartoonish vigor that I originally thought she was kidding.

So Korben takes Leeloo to Cornelius' apartment, getting originally turned away for being mistaken for newlyweds (barf). Instead of knocking again, he just kicks down the door. Cornelius realizes due to a tattoo on her inner wrist that she's the Fifth Element (!) and passes out. Korben places her on the couch.

Now, I don't really understand why Korben Dallas chooses to sexually assault Leeloo by kissing her while she's unconscious in this scene. It not only feels gross, it also feels kind of unprecedented. They've met once, had approximately the amount of chemistry you'd expect, and then she passed out. Maybe in the 90's this felt spontaneous and romantic, but to me it just feels like he did it for no reason. I wish she had actually shot him. Thankfully, her outburst of rage at this momentarily makes her feel a little less like a literal grade-schooler, a much needed respite.

Milla Jovovich does what I think is a pretty good job at keeping her pronunciation of the divine language consistent throughout the scenes where she speaks it. She's Ukranian-American, but I have no idea if she's bilingual or had an accent coach or something. Either way, well done Ms. Jovovich!

Anyway, Cornelius walks in having suddenly changed into these silly ass robes, a great sight gag, and kicks Korben out of the room, but not before he reveals that the words that Leeloo yelled at Korben meant "never without my permission," which really made me wish she had shot him *twice*.

The scene where Korben talks to his friend, Finger, about Leeloo was clearly supposed to be romantic, I'm sure. It actually makes him look like a freak. I hated him for much of this movie.

Now, Back to the Mangalores. The Mangalores are a warrior race who have been hired by the big evil of this movie-- Gary Oldman. For some reason, they decided to make him southern. Not that I'm really complaining, but characters in this movie seem to have accents for no reason, and I really love it.

I love Gary Oldman in this movie. His character, Zorg, is fitted with one of the most ridiculous wardrobes of the entire cast. He has this odd plastic cap on his head, a flaccid mohawk, and the filthiest facial hair possible (a soul patch). He is fucking awesome. I love Zorg.

Spliced between parts of this arms deal, we learn that the stones aren't in the case. Leeloo tells Cornelius that in case they were stolen, the stones were given to someone trusted by the Mondoshawans, but not before changing clothes in front of him and his apprentice. I swear, she does this like three times in this movie.

The cut back to Leeloo in this scene right after Zorg realizes the box is empty is really well done. Effective, funny, punchy. She laughs like a freak, it's great.

There's a bit of dialog Zorg has with his right hand man right after this failed arms deal where he talks about his philosophy around warriors and why he prefers killers. I love this bit. The way he just coldly leaves them with a bomb built into his holy-overkill-gun is hard as shit, and it gives us a nice insight into our villain in the first scene he's in. I like it. I like Zorg.

Speaking of Zorg, we get a proper introduction to him just after. Here is one of the most interesting scenes in this film, where we get some insight about Zorg and Cornelius' respective opinions on life and death.

The interesting thing about this scene is that I kind of agree with Zorg, his saying that death exists to create life for the living, ostensibly feeding the cycle of life and progress. Regardless, he is painted as stupid when Cornelius has to rescue him from choking on a cherry.

And why the hell would you ever put a whole cherry in a glass of water? You're basically asking to choke to death. And Cornelius has a point, why don't you, a guy who has a special button to unearth his bizarre elephantine freak creature from the secret drawer in your desk, have a special robot to smack you on the back when you're choking? *Especially* when you do dumb shit like putting whole pit-in cherries in your glasses of water? Answer me that, Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg.

Actually, I don't know how this bit is supposed to disprove Zorg's point. All it really proves is that people need each other sometimes, which has nothing to do with what Zorg was actually saying to Cornelius here. Now, we could argue that it goes against the way that he executes this philosophy, which is true, being that he is a weird freaky villain who has henchmen, but I don't want to argue that. Because the fact that they have this strange sum-zero philosophical argument where they're ostensibly not even talking to each other is way funnier.

Right after this there's a bit where he sends his right hand man to literally bug the space-oval office. As in, it's a cockroach with a little camera and microphone on it. This bit is super funny. No thematic relevance, I just loved watching the president fucking cream the roach with his shoe while Zorg's henchman writhed in pain from the mic feedback.

The next important scene, by which I mean the next scene, starts with a healthy serving of "Sci-Fi setting that is weird about Asian people." Get behind me, Mr. Kim, this movie doesn't respect you enough.

Anyway, Korben's hilariously young adult-sounding mother calls him on the phone to bitch at him insanely about how he never calls and gives us a key piece of information-- Korben has won an all expenses paid trip to Fhloston Paradise! This coincidentally is where Leeloo told Cornelius the person with the stones was. This contest was actually alluded to on Korben's television in his first scene as well. This movie is very, *very* good at setup-payoff. Lots of domino situations.

Korben professional-improvs his way out of a police confrontation (organized by Zorg) just to get walloped over the head by Cornelius, who intends to steal his tickets so he and Leeloo can save planet Earth. In the process, he also puts his former superior officer in a freezer. Everyone wants Korben's sweet sweet bod in this scene. It's really something.

There's a couple of details about Korben's character and his relationship with Leeloo in this scene that jumped out at me, and I will be addressing them alongside the others of their ilk later in this review.

Cornelius hatches a plan to make his apprentice David impersonate Korben so they can get to Fhloston. It doesn't work, of course, because this movie chose to represent being knocked out the most realistically I've ever seen in a blockbuster flick. Korben is only down for the count for a second or two, which means he caught up with them and pulled some more startlingly effective improvisation out of his ass to get on this flight with Leeloo. It's really remarkable how good this ex military guy is at improv. Get his ass behind a mic. Get Korben on Whose Zorg is it Anyway, and pay me royalties.

I have a note here that just says "Everyone in this movie wears what I can only describe as rave wear. It's pretty hilarious." I have nothing to add. That's accurate.

So they're boarding this flight, right? And here's a real doozy. 1 out of 2 of my impassioned rants on one specific character in this movie who we meet in this scene. Ruby Rhod. Ruby ffffucking Rhod.

I actually *need* to talk about this guy. He is like the Prince of outer space. His scenes where he does his talk show are mesmerizing, zany, all over the place. I felt like I was having a nightmare. He's fascinating, fabulous, flamboyant, some other f word that I'm choosing not to say right now. His use of "green" to mean "good" is just perfect. Korben's completely dodgy and stiff responses are honestly the perfect contrast to Ruby in this scene. They're foils. This scene has captivated me. Ruby prowls around while tiger growling noises play in the background and flirts with this random stewardess ON AIR, inches from her face with the mic separating their mouths, promising to have sex with her later. ON AIR. It's implied that this is a normal thing that is acceptable on his show.

Ruby also has a whole gang of yes men, all of which are only slightly less flamboyantly homosexual than he is, but still feel more explicitly homosexual than Ruby, who has sex with as many women as he can possibly manage, which seems to be many, because every woman who mentions his name in this movie appears to cream their pants if he so much as breathes near them. That girl he flirted with? She moaned and collapsed on the floor right after.

The scene after the show, where Korben Dallas pins Ruby to the wall and threatens him, would have been beautifully compelling if Korben Dallas was a butch lesbian. This is the furthest thing from thoughtful character analysis, I just would have liked it more.

It's implied in the following scene that Ruby has only ever really wanted to fuck aliens before meeting this random stewardess, and we get to watch a very cleverly compiled set of scenes from wildly different locales that all fit together. Ruby having sex with this stewardess, the ship taking off, and Zorg blowing up his right hand man for failing him. They also use the Wilhelm scream in this scene, but given that the movie was made in the late 90's this is par for the course, and is really much more tasteful than usual.

For some reason, rasta(?) music is playing. There is a vaguely rastafarian man in this scene, but only for around 12 seconds. The use of regionally and culturally specific music in this movie that has no bearing on the actual space the characters inhabit is absolutely fascinating to me. There was some music earlier, playing in sci-fi New York, that I swear used a Raga scale. All the music is very good, good job Éric Serra.

After Zorg finishes exploding his frankly very competent right hand man, we get a scene where we discover that he's after the stones because some man he's working for, Mr. Shadow, wants them. Zorg is the main antagonist for most of this movie. Mr. Shadow never comes back again, and we do not need him. All he really serves to do is to make Zorg look more pathetic and give him an excuse to be more desperate when he can't get his hands on the stones, which, while fine, I think the movie could have gotten away with just having Zorg being a dramatic villain who freaks out when he doesn't get his way without this bit. Not egregious, but not really a necessary scene.

Okay, I have a big question. Why is Fhloston paradise Hawaii? It just *is* Hawaii. Did Hawaii escape to a separate planet at some point? Good for them, except that Fhloston is still a crazy tourist spot full of annoying white people, so not really. This is just Super Mega Hell 2 for Hawaiians. The song they sing in the first Fhloston scene is really good, though. Thanks, Éric.

On the topic of Fhloston, I really love the use of color in the set. Given the way the rest of this movie is, it's possible that it's more for visual contrast and not theming, but there is a scene during the opera performance that switches between complements, and the visual contrast is, well, good.

Speaking of the opera, Korben has front row seats, and its 5pm. You know what that means.

It's fucking Ruby Rhod time, baby! Ruby is back in black, in the most fantastic costume in this entire movie. Despite it showing off his entire clavicle (no exaggeration), it manages to get more and more revealing as this scene plays out. This bit where he asks Korben if he's happy with being on Fhloston in his usual over the top, loud, flamboyant way and Korben looks into his eyes, leans into the mic, and says "Thrilled" drolly is a short interaction so packed with sexual tension that I can't even argue for it without just telling you to watch the scene. This is their only interaction that really FEELS like gay sex, and it made my jaw go slack for a couple of seconds, even as the movie immediately moved on to the much more important opera segment.

Speaking of the opera, for real this time, I have one complaint. It's an annoying complaint that nobody ever wants to hear, but I'm saying it anyway because that's what I'm here to do: Diva is *not* singing. Now, maybe in some later movie review we can learn my detailed opinions on live recordings of singing performances in film (short version: I don't think they should happen, and I hate them) my main complaint is mostly that Diva's actress is just not very good at *pretending* to sing, much less opera. She doesn't pretend to breathe, doesn't try to move her mouth with the incredibly strong vibrato (understandable to some extent) but most of all, her mouth shapes just aren't right. I can concretely point to certain mouth shapes and say "that's not the shape her mouth should be when singing that vowel," it's obvious enough that I can do that. Granted, I have some experience in singing on stage, so maybe that's just my personal annoying musician experience speaking, but it was really noticeable to me. Okay, annoying complaint over, now I can say nice things

This opera, Lucia di Lammermoor with a poppy remix track towards the end, is ridiculously well performed. Diva's vocalist, Inva Mula, does a stunning job at both the formal and informal portions of this song. It's actually amazing how little of her voice had to be computer edited to sound more "alien," it's only done like twice in the portion that it's done at all, and the rest is pretty clearly just her. She really knocks it out of the park here.

The movie does something interesting here that I really enjoyed, where they periodically show us different characters reactions to this opera. Mostly Korben and Leeloo. I want to focus on Korben, who looks at Diva like this is the first time he's ever been moved in his life. Seriously, his eyes are wet and shining with unshed tears and I really mean that. Right when we get this poignant reaction out of Korben, the pop track starts playing and the somber moment abruptly ends, which is kind of what it's like watching this movie, or clicking on a Read More and discovering a film review that is easily over 5k words.

This movie has a great penchant for match cuts. Actually, most of the transition and shot choices made in this movie are really top of the line. They're all punchy, sharp, playful, to the point. Fantastic cinematographic choices, guys.

Diva finishes her performance right after Leeloo finishes fighting Zorg by getting shot at while up in an air duct. The opera is then laid siege by the Mangalores, who brutally murder Diva. This is sad for me, because I wanted her and Leeloo to be friends, and for Korben Dallas, who just felt the strongest emotion he's ever experienced thanks to her.

Ruby, of course, continues reporting on his talk show throughout the assault, because he's a goddamn professional. He also spends the next scene and a half shrieking in fear.

The reveal that the stones are literally inside Diva's body not only makes me watch one of the more disgusting scenes in this movie, it also makes me wonder-- Was Leeloo just supposed to kill her? Also, how did they get in there? Many questions and no answers, because we aren't here to fuck around.

While Diva is giving Korben this weird spiel about how Leeloo needs him and his love to survive, there's this brief cut to Leeloo, bleeding in the air vent. This cut is an absolute pang to the gut. She sits, curled up, alone, sobbing painfully with a bullet wound in her leg. She looks small, helpless, childlike in this brief scene. It was so impactful to me that it just made me angry about the way Korben and Leeloo's relationship in this movie is executed. This is another "get back to it later" thing.

For the rest of this "getting shot up by Mangalores" scene, Ruby Rhod is cowering and sniffling and screaming for Korben to help him. It's honestly like this for the rest of the movie. They're just friends now. It's awesome. I love this guy. He accidentally shoots a guy in the head and then asks Korben "You think he'll be okay?" He's the best character in this movie.

We get one of Korben's final fantastic moments of improv in this scene. It's around this point, during the "negotiation" scene, that I realized that the problem with this movie is that the best parts of it are the parts that aren't about the two characters who I'm supposed to care about the relationship between.

This scene, where Korben gets in a fighter jet, says it's just like driving a cab (a contrast from his conversation with Finger in his first scene, where he says driving a cab is easy because he isn't driving a jet) and then blows a fucking hole in the airlock and guns it out of the Fhloston ship, is so fucking cool. I'm a very simple man. It was awesome. One question, does Korben have some kind of allergy to reminding people to put seatbelts on? This is the second time he's just allowed his passengers to fly around the cabin while he drives recklessly.

Ruby's show ends at 7pm, when he tiredly proclaims that it's the best show he's ever done. I was thinking the same thing. In fact, Mr. Rhod, I really think you should hire Korben. There, now he has a new job.

Right here is where I'm going to address one of my main points (gripes) about this movie. Yes, I know, over 5k words in.

This part of the scene, where Leeloo has her weird crisis of faith about the evil of the human race, learns about war and concludes that humans aren't worth saving, falls flat to me. Sure, it feels over-played, but ultimately the problem is just that it's not done well, much like the rest of her characterization. Leeloo's depiction as being naive and childlike, which honestly only holds because she doesn't really speak fluent English, holds back her character because of the movies comphet insistence that her and Korben be romantically involved. A narrative where Leeloo, naive and unfamiliar, Leeloo, who needs other people, who sobs painfully alone in an airvent, who needs to be dried off with a towel after getting soaked with water, is actually a child, would be more compelling. And her not being able to reconcile with the evils of humanity would also have felt more convincing if she was literally a child. Like, of *course* she can't see the situation with any nuance, she's a kid. A narrative where Leeloo and Korben's dynamic is more familial would be more interesting, and honestly the way she's characterized already lends itself so perfectly to this narrative that there were points where I got actually upset that the movie refused to go that direction.

I'll go ahead and talk about Korben's character here as well. Korben is a refreshing detraction from the classic grizzled tough guy trope that we tend to see in action movies. Whether this is a result of 90's zeitgeist or just the writer's own preferences, I don't know, but I noticed it. I was expecting Korben Dallas to be a sort of obnoxious, emotionally stunted brick wall of a guy-- but he isn't, really. Korben is quick on his feet, improvisational, messy, and sure he's genius with a gun, but he's also *nice*. He's nice in a distinctly not "Grizzled emotionally stunted guy" way. When he accidentally gets Leeloo soaking wet, he gets her a towel at warp speed, apologizes up and down in a much softer tone than he ever uses for anything else. I thought at first "of course, because he likes her," but then-- Then! When he discovers that he's accidentally plastic-wrapped Cornelius, he rips the plastic and apologizes-- in the same sort of tone. He adapts his approach to the Mangalore barrage in the cruise ship to Ruby Rhod, never complains about Ruby being a nuisance or being in his way, just brings him along and asks him to help out. I honestly really like Korben Dallas. Which is why, upon reflecting on earlier scenes in this movie, it really irritates me that he just kisses Leeloo for no reason, or even that he's in love with her at all.

That scene I mentioned, where Korben dries her off, or even as early as the cab scene where she's talking animatedly to him in the divine language and we get the "bada boom" dialog, just oozes a kind of gentleness and care that doesn't speak satisfactorily to romance or sex. Leeloo, this childlike character, and Korben, this gentle man who happens to be great with guns, don't feel like husband and wife. They don't feel like sexual partners. He feels like her father. That moment with the shower soured the rest of their dynamic for me during my rewatch, because I kept thinking about how much better it could be. That dynamic, as I've already said, would have been deeply compelling, especially given the final reveal of the movie.

Now that we've escaped Fhloston, we've headed back to the temple in Egypt. This is that meta function of the first scene I said I'd address-- without it, there is no sense of a sort of circular journey the film takes. The film establishing this temple *is* important, because otherwise this scene where we return to it just wouldn't land as well. That said, I do still think the first scene is a little odd and clunky. Then again, so is much of this movie, and it's still a good scene.

Our characters spend a frustratingly long time decoding a "riddle" that Leeloo tells Korben, one which was so simple that I was yelling at my laptop the first time I watched it. We get another very gratifying and subtle payoff from an earlier scene where we see Korben has only one match left, which he needs for the fire stone. Earlier, we see him subtly take his penultimate match from the box. This movie's Chekov game is crazy.

Much like this review, Leeloo says something that feels deeply substantial nearly 2 hours into a 2 hour long movie. She says "I don't know love. I was made to protect, not to love. There is no use for me other than this."

This line is so compelling to me. It's the most CHARACTER I've seen from her in the whole movie, and its 2 hours in. We do not get to explore it.

You might have noticed, based on this line, what the Fifth Element actually is. What Leeloo needs in order to activate her Element and shoot the big fuckoff laser into the evil fire ball.

Its ~Love~.

This is, of course, ridiculously corny and requires them to kiss nasty on the mouth for longer than I would have liked to see (Of course, I would have like to not see it at all).

I don't actually mind this conclusion or the theming. It's silly, but so is the whole movie. But you might, like me, see an issue here.

If we had approached this movie the way I so desperately craved, made their dynamic more familial, made Leeloo a child and given Korben a new weird alien daughter, this conclusion would have been leagues more powerful.

Not only would it be a unique approach to what is usually a very hetero and sexual genre, it would have given a much more gratifying conclusion to Korben's character arc. At the beginning of his arc, Korben talks about how he's looking for a perfect woman after his wife left him. In the movie, Korben just... *gets* the perfect woman. He gets exactly what he wanted and he learns nothing. If Korben instead had to reckon with this new facet of his life and identity, had to reconcile with being thrust into quasi-fatherhood, he might actually have deigned to, you know, *develop* as a character. He would have *learned* something. I'm not saying every single character in the movie has to learn something, but the main goddamn character probably should, right?

But since it's an ~adult movie~ for ~grown ups~, we can't tell compelling family narratives, and the movie has to end with them having sex in a reactor pod. I hate that. I hated that conclusion and my least favorite part of this movie was its main conceit, which was genuinely tragic given how enjoyable I found the rest of the film.

So, I'll leave you with this.

The Fifth Element (1997) is a *good* movie. It's incredibly fun, zany, raunchy, and lively. The music is very good, the costuming and set design is whimsical and fantastic. It's a little weird about Asians. It birthed one of the worst cinema tropes ever invented, and it didn't even have to, because the movie would have been really, deeply beautiful if it hadn't.

And Korben Dallas should have been a butch lesbian.

Actually, I'll leave you by saying that the song that plays in the credits of this movie is really good. "Little Light of Love," it's called. I'm going to link it so you can experience it, too.

[fortheunsungheros]

Soooo I was going through all of my old school assignments to transfer them to my personal Google account (transferring schools sucks 😭) and I found a bunch of outsiders stuff I wrote! I wrote this for a POV of Johnny assignment and somehow didn’t get sent to the counselors office THIS time. And yes I was a Johnnyboy ship at the time. TW for implied suicide (yes I’m a messed up 13 year old lmao)

————————————————————————

I see Ponyboy gasping for air without any success. His screams and pleads for help are eventually silenced by an overwhelming quiet sensation. He’s drowning, Ponyboy is drowning I think to myself. I see his typical tan skin turn to a shade of icy blue and that’s when I decide enough is enough.

Ponyboy is my best friend, I can’t lose him. Him and the rest of the greasers are the only ones I keep myself on this Earth for. My parents could care less if I was alive or dead, the greasers are my real family. Pony came to me when Darry slapped him, that shows how close we are. He didn’t flee to Dally, Two-Bit, or even Steve; he chose me. Pony may be the only one who would ever choose me.

A wave of anger washes over my normally uneasy self. I begin to scream on the top of my lungs, “Let him go, you stupid soc!”. My calls are replied to by a snarky remark by Bob, the soc that makes my stomach curdle the most.

“ What are you gonna do about it, little greaser? You're clearly just a weak little boy. We beat you up last time no problem. You didn’t even try to fight back.” Bob says, chuckling. He turns to David, the man drowning Ponyboy, and says “Just kill him Davey, he’s too scared to save his own boy.”

Something inside me turns on. It’s almost like a lightswitch was flicked, changing my personality from shy and skittish to enraged and dangerous. I reach into my back pocket and feel for my switchblade for comfort. I really don’t want to do this but it seems like the only way. I grab my weapon from my pocket and display it for all the socs to see.

“Oh wow little greaser, whatcha gonna do, cut us?” Randy said, nudging Bob as he pretended to be afraid.

I flip open my switch blade and gather my thoughts. I shouldn’t do this, it’s so wrong. Yes, these guys are bad but they are still young with a whole life ahead of them. Then again, they are trying to kill my best friend. It’s almost like an angel and devil are on my shoulder, fighting each other until one becomes victorious.

My feet begin charging at Bob. It’s like I can not control my own movements. I take my weapon and stab it into Bob’s chest. I can feel the blade piercing through the young man’s skin. His face looked absolutely horrified. Bob grabs the knife from his chest and attempts to jab me. I quickly reverse the blade's direction back onto him. It’s like a ferocious animal takes over my body. I stabbed him eight more times in the chest. But he refuses to give up for approximately a minute. Bob reminds me of Dally, he is a fighter. Eventually, Bob's body slumps down to the floor. He is presumably still alive, but clinging onto life.

“Weak little greaser. Nobody will ever love you.”, Bob says with the last bit of strength he can compile. His breathing begins to shallow before his breaths stop abruptly. I’ve killed someone.

What have I done? My heart began beating a million miles a minute. My chest begins to tighten to the point it becomes difficult to breathe. All I can do is stare at Bob’s lifeless body, the life of it in which I stole. How could I have killed someone? He was so young as well. Although he acted mature for his age, Bob could not have been older than 17 or 18. He had a whole future of opportunities upon him and I stole his life in such a violent way. I’m sure his parents will be heartbroken with the news that their son has perished, especially given the circumstances in which he died. I am truly a monster.

The rest of the socs are terrified. David drops Ponyboy onto the hard park surface and begins to run. He yells to the other three men “Come on boys, we gotta get outa here!”. The rest of the socs abandoned Bob at the first sight of trouble. While we were walking to the park, Ponyboy told me about the conversation Cherry and him had about the differences between greasers and socs. I would tell Ponyboy that I found another difference, greasers are loyal to their brotherhood while socs are not. I might not be able to tell him this, let alone anything else after this fateful night.

I run over to Ponyboy's limp body and begin screaming. “Ponyboy no!” I grab his body and begin hugging him so hard his head might pop off. “Don’t leave me, please. I love you, you're a brother to me.” I say to Ponyboy as tears seep from my eyes rapidly. I grab his shoulders and begin shaking him, hoping to wake him up from this bad dream. My eyes stare at his blue tinted face until my visibility is obstructed by my own tears. I lay down next to him and hug him tight.

What am I supposed to do now? Not only am I a murderer, my best friend and my world is dead. I can’t go to the slammer, Dally is walking proof that place messes you up. Also, how am I supposed to live without my best friend? My mind turns to the worst thought I possibly have ever possessed. I have a knife. I could end all of this pain now.

I release my arms from Pony and sit up. My hands visibly shake as I grab my knife, the same one I used to stab Bob. His cherry red blood is still lying on the blade. I never thought my life would end like this. I thought I would die an accomplished old man warm in my bed with my loving family beside me. Never would I think I would die young alone in a park.

I look at Ponyboy again. He still appears lifeless, taking shallow breaths irregularly. My focus returns to the knife. I can’t run from the fuzz for the rest of my life. Plus, my parents won’t care if I’m dead, it’s more money to spend on drinking for them. The greasers will forget about me eventually. The only one who ever would have cared about me was Ponyboy.

Before I take action, I reflect on what my life was. It’s sad, you know, how one action can ruin your entire life. I think of my parents, probably slumped over drunk with no idea of their son's current situation. I think of Darry and Sodapop, the people who love Ponyboy and how concerned they must be. Lastly I think of Bob, who’s life I stole too soon. I hope I’m the afterlife I can apologize for my horrendous actions. I truly am sorry. I flip my blade open and with tears in my eyes, I begin cutting my wrist. Before any skin is broken, a sound stops me dead in my tracks.

Suddenly, I hear Ponyboy coughing. I run to his aid to turn him over. He’s alive. Ponyboys alive. Not only is Ponyboy alive, I’m alive. He’s the only reason I’m living right now.

“Johnny? Is that you?” Ponyboy said in a state of deliriousness.

“ I’m here Pony, relax you're safe.”I say trying to hold back my own tears to keep him calm.

“Where are those socs?” Ponyboy says trying to gather his scattered thoughts.

“I killed him, I said slowly. I killed that boy.”

————————————————————————

[miitarashi]

"Come you coward sea serpents!! You'll have my ship under my dead body deep into the sea!!"

The captain shouted at the men below who brandished their swords with a mocking laugh before advancing towards the old marine man who began a sword fight with the small group.

On deck, Haddock's crew including you and Tintin were no different, having to grab swords to defend your necks before a blade sliced ​​them out of your bodies. At first it seemed like just another one of those moments in which the God of Chaos seemed to laugh in your faces as he pitted you all against a large band of pirates on the open seas, turning what should have been just a trip into a battlefield in seconds with Poseidon throwing the ship into the middle of a difficult storm. Everything was going against you.

"Tintin! Behind!"

"You too!!

Grabbing the journalist's hand tightly, you pulled him forward, turning to strike the pirate who was trying to hit him from the rear, allowing Tintin to parry the cut from the other pirate who was planning to hit you and without hesitating, he deflected the blade and kicked the man's chest causing him to fall to the ground.

"Nice kick" - you praised with a roguish smile.

"Nice cut" - he did the same, looking away at a new attacker who was approaching you - "Watch out!"

He pulled you close before pushing back so you could kick the pirate's hand, making him lose his sword, opening enough of a gap for the ginger-haired boy to knock him to the ground and pull you away from the crowd a little,a task that seemed impossible given the number of pirates that only seemed to increase instead of decreasing, just like the storm that rocked the boat from side to side creating jolts that made it difficult to stand properly.

"Terribly surrounded, without much chance of survival and a horrible storm under our heads, a classic day for you, right?" - you joked about the situation, looking at him from the side.

"More or less i would say, in this case, it's exceptionally more complicated" - he replied honestly, trying to come up with a plan to at least get you two out of greater danger.

"I didn't want to agree, but..." - looking around, it was a situation completely out of control, there was no way out.

"It looks like a dead end" - you commented, taking steps back, careful not to be too surrounded while fending off some pirates with your sword.

Tintin's eyes frantically scanned the surroundings, an exit, a gap, any way out, something that could help, but the more he looked the less he seemed to see anything, perhaps due to the storm or the simple lack of options. There really was no way out. The possibility of this being his final end crossed the journalist's mind, it was frustrating to say the least, he wouldn't hesitate to sacrifice himself for you but he knew you would end up doing the same.

After pushing another pirate back at the same moment that thought crossed his mind, another one came soon after. Was it crazy? Yes, the timing couldn't be worse? It could, but at least he would have you, the way that has been running through the redhead's mind for a few months now.

"[Name],I have an idea, better saying" - pulled you again to defend an attack while you did the same on the flank - "A request"

"Well...with us deliberately marching towards death, I think now is the time!"

You said, jumping to the side and cutting a rope, making one of the sails open and hit five pirates at once, opening a small path for you two. Running and already pressing back to back to protect each other's rearguard after advancing higher, Tintin continued after a quick sigh.

"[Name], I want to marry you" - he took a step in front of you, deflecting a cut, pushing the pirate aside.

"...WHAT?!" - That was the most you could say before dodging a punch, landing a right hook on the pirate's chin and stealing his sword.

"I know. It's the worst possible moment..." - he borrowed the sword to push the man's blade down hard to plant it in the ground - "and it's crazy in this state but..."

"WE'RE ALMOST DYING HERE!" - you shouted with effort as you threw a pirate back before hitting him with a piece of wood.

"I know that! No need to emphasize the obvious!" - he kicked the man in the face, knocking him out and throwing his sword against a rope that held a cannon that slid back with force, taking three pirates to the sea.

"Oh I'm sorry, I just thought you had lost your mind in the chaos of the situation to say something like that!" - you replied at the same moment, a little irritated by the way he responded.

Tintin let out a long sigh, catching some breath and clearing his mind momentarily before walking over to you.

"I'm sorry, I expressed myself badly" - he said earnest, dropping the second sword to hold your hand.

"But I didn't lie, I really want to marry you. We don't know if we're going to get out of here alive, our chances are slim and...if we're really going to die here..." - he lets go of your hand, holding your cheek gently looking into your eyes - "I don't want to take the regret of not marrying the most amazing woman I was lucky enough to know to my grave"

Even with the cold that the rain brought, the warmth of his touch and his words were more than enough to warm your entire body to the point where your cheeks turned slightly pink and a small smile appeared on your quivering lips due to the cold.

"I couldn't have said it better" - you replied in a happy and emotional tone, holding his hand that was above your cheek. Squeezing firmly but affectionately, you nodded to him and he understood,nodding back, lightly tighten his grip.

"Captain! Marry us!" - he shouted, drawing the attention of Haddock who had just kicked a man overboard.

"Marry you two?! It's a honor!!" - he said with a laugh, classic from any seafaring man, humorous and drawn out before raising his sword again.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we all are here, on this terribly beautiful and stormy day" - counterattacked a cut aimed at his leg, pushing the pirate away - "to unite these two in marriage- Stay away freshwater filigusters!"

You were able to watch Haddock shining as captain for a short time because soon more pirates came to you and him. With your weapons raised, you both advanced against them, starting a new combat.

"You lad!" - he shouted, jumping to the ground, picking up another sword to fight.

"Aye sir!" - he responded in agreement, hitting his blade against another pirate's using the momentum of the ship to push him back.

"Accept [Name] as your legitimate wife to love her" - despite the rain, the spark still appeared with the fierce friction of blade against blade between him and his opponent - "and protect her...!" - he managed to punch the man backwards, making him slip on the wet floor and fall into the sea - "until death do you part?!"

"I accept captain!" - at the same moment, he grabbed your hand, giving you support to kick the man in the chest with both feet before putting you on the ground and smiling, turning to the next person.

"And you lil' lady!" - kicked a barrel towards two men.

"Aye sir!" - you responded in agreement, cutting off a blow that was coming from the flank.

"Do you accept Tintin as your" - kicked the sword away - "rightful" - cut off before he could reach for another sword - "husband!" - he said in a grunt of effort as he grabbed the man and threw him into the stormy sea - "to love and protect him until death do you part!?"

"I accept captain!" - you said, unable to avoid smiling, hitting another pirate with your sword, striking him in the stomach with your knee before throwing him towards others who were approaching.

"With that said! I declare-" - he defends a cut - "In the name of Archibald Haddock- Blistering barnacles!!" - he cursed irritably, cutting off both pirates before turning to the two of you - "kiss each other already!!"

Without hesitation, punching a pirate to open the way, Tintin pulled you by the waist quickly taking your lips in a long (as long as the situation allowed) and loving kiss. Your arm, which wasn't holding the sword, went around his neck so you could kiss him back properly. In the end, before they were attacked again, he slowly pull away, looking deep into your beautiful eyes, saying with a happy smile.

"I love you, my wife"

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N/A: FINALLY! i was dying to write this since i rewatched pirates of the cadibben some days ago like,it was just a perfect situation to imagine Tintin in and i couldn't hold myself lol. I hope i did proper justice to this because i really loved doing it. Thank you for reading! Bye bye!

[blacklegsanjiii]

idk man i don't ship mihawk with anyone really but this golden/hancock sanji au got me. Also yeah there's an age gape, Boa and Mihawk are like 14 and halfish years apart. It's not as weird as her and Luffy though I PROMISE. It is long, it's a basically a halfassed start of a fic idk man.

Mihawk's snail goes off and he's been neglecting his warlord duties since Sanji came along so he answers as he holds the sleeping child. Boa is apparently stranded very close by so he wakes Sanji and says he has to go get someone and for Sanji to stay inside. He goes and gets Boa who frowns as her boat sinks and she whines like any eighteen year old princess would.

They get to Kuriagana and he takes her to the denden so she can call someone to come get her properly and take her back to Amazon Lily. She comes out of Mihawk's office and sees him talking quietly to Sanji, he's knelt down to talk to small boy sans his trademark hat and coat and Boa has never experienced attraction before but she thinks 'huh, that's cute, he's handsome, i see why people think that' and goes to introduce herself.

Boa opens her mouth and stops when she sees that curled eyebrow and instead of introducing herself she looks between Sanji and Mihawk and is wavering heavily. Sanji instantly sees she recognizes him and freezes.

"Is there something wrong?" Mihawk asks her as he looks between the two of them.

"Hawkeye," Boa breathes, "did you kidnap the dead prince of Germa?"

"The what?" Mihawk asks with shock, which is the first emotion outside of boredom she's seen the man emote. "I got Sanji from a rock." Mihawk says as Sanji is about to have a full blown panic attack.

"He was claimed to be dead like three years ago! How did you not know?" Boa demands as she pulls Sanji to her and his breathing starts getting rough.

"I've only had him some months, Princess, let him go. He's going into a panic attack." Mihawk demands and Boa glares but releases him and Mihawk picks Sanji up and stands. His glare is harsh as he leaves her standing there to go calm Sanji down. Boa finds them after a while and Sanji is asleep on Mihawk who is reading.

"I apologize for my insensitivity to you, Hawkeye," Boa starts, "how did you get him though, really?"

"I wasn't lying, Redleg can corroborate." Mihawk answers.

"Sure. Let's say you're not lying. Why does he look like that?" Boa asks.

"You said he died three years ago, yes? Then he hasn't been fed properly for those years, maybe even before that. It's something I've been working on." Mihawk hums as he puts his book down to look at her properly.

"He didn't tell you?" Boa huffs in disbelief.

"No," Mihawk sighs, "he didn't." That, that makes Boa's heart ache for some reason.

Boa has to stay a couple days until someone can come get her so she gets to watch Mihawk and Sanji together. She watches Mihawk have emotions and smile, he smiles at Sanji and Boa gets why people say he's attractive but they haven't seen that. That is dangerous and Boa leaves every time she sees it and comes back when she's calmed down. Mihawk absolutely notices and absolutely exploits this, he's a pirate, it's expected. He makes Boa promise Sanji not to tell anyone about him. Sanji's relief is palpable which makes Boa coo at him and Sanji stare at the affection she's showing him because it's a new kind. Mihawk pats his head and assures him it's alright.

When Boa is leaving she and Mihawk are talking and Mihawk off handedly is like 'maybe when you're twenty.' with a smirk and Boa is flustered and trying not to show it because she's from Amazon Lily and is supposed to not really be swayed by men, but here she is. Red faced and stuttering and asks how he can do that to her and he shrugs and says he honestly expects to have to fend off her forces now.

"When I'm twenty?" She double checks.

"Maybe." Mihawk shrugs with that same fucking smirk and Boa is so frustrated when she leaves Mihawk is pretty sure he's going to have to go to war with a whole damned country. He laughs when Sanji asks why she was mad at him and Mihawk admits to teasing her a lot, an unnecessarily high amount of teasing. Sanji asks if he was flirting and Mihawk admits he did a bit of that as well with a chuckle as he holds his son close. Sanji looks at him with disgust which makes him lose it completely and laugh into his son's hair.

Boa makes a habit to talk to Mihawk and try to get him to emote at warlord meetings which everyone thinks is weird except him. He keeps looking at her expectantly and cocks a brow. He doesn't attend most of them, the government lets it slide based on his status as the world's greatest swordsman and how much work he does actually do for them, so when he does she makes the most of it.

Afterwards, when they're in private she asks about Sanji and how he's doing and Mihawk answers and invites her back to Kuraigana at her leisure. She eventually takes him up on it to his surprise, so she follows him to Kuraigana. It's a rare sunny day when they arrive and Mihawk helps her onto land and then ties their boats and leads her to the castle. Sanji is looking at them through a window and Boa waves excitedly to him. It may have been almost a year but she still coos at him as Sanji looks at her warily. He's scooped easily into Mihawk's arms who tells him Boa will be staying a few days again.

Sanji mumbles his acknowledgement as they head to the kitchen to start cooking. Boa watches the duo who are remarkably close, a true father and son relationship. She watches Mihawk guide Sanji through a recipe and it sounds amazing, smells amazing, she is drooling as they plate up what they've made and serve it. It tastes really good too, amazing, better than what they make on Amazon Lily and says such. They thank her and Boa tries to make more conversation with Sanji.

Who is not talkative but does seem to warm up to her more especially since she doesn't ask about Germa or anything of the like. Later after Sanji is put to bed Boa leans over the arm of the chaise and looks at Mihawk as he enters the library with a look of intrigue.

"Yes, Princess?" He asks as he sits in a chair near by.

"Has he told you anything else?" Boa asks as he grabs a book.

"Not much, but he has." Mihawk answers slowly, looking at her properly. "Seeing as he was on a cruise liner working for a year I think it's safe to say I will kill the king of Germa."

"He's so sweet, it's weird to think he's one of them." Boa huffs.

"I would argue he's not. He doesn't claim them and they proclaim he's dead. I think it is safe to assume the Vinsmokes would rather he actually be dead." Mihawk responds and Boa hums.

"He's lucky to have you." She says after a moment.

"I'm just as lucky." Mihawk says quietly. Boa looks him over and hums again but Mihawk opens his book and reads. Boa huffs indignantly at him as he chuckles to himself.