#its 1am so if you didnt cry or feel a little sad then im sorry for not doing my job right

[callofdudes]

Wherever you go.

Ghost x Soap. Angst.

"Would you ever move back to Scotland with me?" Johnny asks, interrupting the comforting silence between the two. Their hands occasionally meet, fingers mingling. Johnny enjoys the warmth of Ghost's glove, wishing to feel the rough, calloused skin underneath it. The warm breeze is a comforting touch to the morning they share alone on the porch of the safehouse.

Ghost pulls his cigarette from his lips, smoke drifting from his lips into the morning air. He exhales quietly, his gaze never leaving the open plain.

"What do you mean?" Ghost asks, knocking ash off the edge of his cigarette before placing it back between his lips.

"You know what I mean... Would you ever want to retire with me some day? Head back to Scotland, love near my family. Just you and me."

Johnny looks at Ghost, finally having the courage to slip his palm against Ghost's, fingers intertwining together.

"Bold of you to assume we'd even make it that long."

Johnny scoffs, nudging him with his shoulder. "Stop saying that. Just drop the possibilities and pretend for a moment... Would you??"

Ghost hums. "I would."

He exhales smoke, pressing the bud of the cigarette into the step, dragging the ash marking over the stone before flicking it from his fingers in the ash tray beside him.

Johnny shifted closer, leaning his head on Ghost's shoulder. "I think we'd do nicely with a cat. A nice little flat, a view like this... Possibly even near that bakery you like."

"Got our whole futures planned out do ya Johnny?"

"Aye. Haven't stopped thinking about spending my life with you y'know?"

Ghost turns his head, pressing his warm lips to the side of Johnny's head, pressing a kiss against his scalp.

"I'd go wherever you go. Dead or alive. I'd rather be buried close to you than some sappy funeral ground around other dead men... Not like anyone would show up."

"I'd be there." Johnny corrects.

"Of course you would."

The silence continues for a minute, the both of them sitting on the words before Johnny speaks again.

"So you'll come with me?"

"Yes. I will."

Johnny smiles softly, looking out at the view. "Maybe instead of a normal funeral, I'll arrange us to be burned on old ships. Like vikings and kings."

Ghost huffed in amusement. "I'd actually like that. Sounds less stupid than being buried in the ground. I don't want there to be a corpse to find when I die."

"Why not?"

"Because when I go down I'm taking the Riley name with me. I don't see the importantance."

"So I'll just have us buried in the same coffin together. Holding hands."

Ghost scoffs. "Did you not hear anything I just said??" Johnny leans up, capturing his lips in a kiss. "All I heard were wedding bells~"

Ghost rolled his eyes, cupped Johnny's jaw and kissed him again. "You're insufferable."

"And yet you love me so much~"

"Got that damn right..."

Johnny smiled, closing his eyes, squeezing Simon's hand.

.....

John's fingers twirled the cold metal chain gently around his warm index finger. The cool chain warming his skin.

He looked out at the deep valley, rolling green hills and a cool breeze to the warm summers morning.

He looked down, running his thumb over the jar in his hand.

"Ok Simon..."

He gently placed the jar into the hole he'd dug and covered it back up. "Just as you wanted it... Nothing can bother you out here."

He continued to twirl his fingers in the chain, feeling it leave marks on his skin as he gripped it tightly.

He sat on the ground, reading the name on the small post he'd shoved into the ground.

Simon Riley.

He wished he could have wrote more but he didn't know if Simon would want that. He didn't really know what Simon wanted... He'd talked about death but John had always cut him off before he got to far.

All he really knew was Simon wanted John to outlive him or they'd go out in a blaze of glory together.

John didn't move, even as tears swelled and he felt his chest tighten when his throat constricted. Even when those tears slipped down his cheeks.

"It'll be nice and quiet up here for you..."

"I know you'd like that..."

He clears his throat. "We did have a little funeral. Nothing big... Price and Gaz were there..." His bottom lip trembled. "Alejandro and Rodolfo came too... Just to say goodbye to you..."

"I won't be far away... It's a big hike but I know it's right. And I'll come visit you always. Ok?"

He gulped. "And I'm... Gonna bring you flowers too, just so you don't get lonely up here. Make it look nice and pretty for you."

He wiped the tears from his cheeks, blinking away the pain. "I killed them..." John remembered it. Holding that knife to the man's throat, watching the blood pour as he gurgled and begged. He remembered feeling the agony, the anger and the sadness as he walked back out of that room.

"I gutted them for what they did to you..."

He looked down at the dog tags in his hand, smoothing his thumb over the engraving.

Simon Riley.

John curled up, pressing his lips to the dog tags, trembling as he cried. He buried his head in his knees, sobbing his heart out on that mountain top.

Ghost had tried to warn him, but nothing could stop this pain he felt losing Simon. His Simon.

He'd tear the world apart for taking away the person he loved with all his heart.

He'd make sure the world never forgot Ghost. That he would be admired and praised for everything he did. Simon Riley would live on in his heart. In the hearts of those who held him dear.

"I love you, Simon..."

Little thing. Iffy on posting it but who cares, it's 1 in the morning and I'm bored. Raw, one take thing so it's unedited. Cheers GhostSoap lovers.

[crystal-mocha]

Rant 3

Okay I got the right font sorted out.

Im moving houses tomorrow. All of my futniture is at my new house except my mattress. So im stuck sleeping in this dark room, by myself on a mattress which is just on my floor.

I guess other people have it worse though. Im sat in the bath right now. I dont usually have baths but it just felt needed today. Im 17 and a straight white male having a bath at 1am. Most people think I have it good, and I do but my mental stability doesnt.

I lay here with the water 2 inches above my chest. I have lil peep playing on my phone thinking how I kind of relate to him? You'd argue that I dont but I think I might.

Oh and that TV show, bojack horseman. Everyone relates to at least one character but not usually Bojack himself. I do relate to Bojack though, well thats what I think. He's written to be unliked, is that how I am?

It would make sense.

She didnt text me today. Thats not her fault though. I texted her first the past couple of days but not today. She didnt text first. I didnt either. If she wanted to talk she wouldve said hi or something.

Why am I complaining? I did this to myself. Its my fault remember. I was toxic to her in the past, she had an abortion last Saturday and she broke up with her Ex of 8 months a little over 1 week ago.

Am I stupid. Of course she wouldnt want to talk with all of that on her mind. Oh god I live her still. Its hard.

The bath has gone cold. Hah relatable.

She added me to her private story of snapchat. She uploaded a cute short video of her smiling. Her looks have changed which I dont mind at all. Long silky black hair. Pale skin. Black lipstick and black eyeliner. Shes goth but I know that so I dont know why I said that.

Shes so pretty, so so fucking pretty then Im sat here feeling sorry for my 5'7-built-like-a-stick self. I dont even look attractive in the slightest.

I really do feel stupid writing this. Why am I doing this? Is it for attention? For people to feel sorry for me?

But like I said yesterday, I feel trapped. I cant talk to her, I cant talk to anyone so this stupid tumblr post is all ive got.

Im sorry for hurting you Charlotte.

Yesterday I said I would like you to find this but with how pathetic Im sounding right now I dont think I would want you to see.

I took art in college because I have a wonderful imagination, I will give me that. But all I can think about is how sweet the dark colour of red would look like in the bath if I slit my wrists and throat. Not a bad idea but Ive packed my razor away and Its at my new house.

I dont even have wifi, im using my data but at least it helps me cope.

Its been 15 minutes since I started this rant or whatever the fuck this is. Im still waiting for a text off her but I know she wont. She wont. She hates me so much and I feel so powerless. What do I do..

Suicide genuinely seems like an option. I need the pain to stop.

Im starting my second year of college in a week. These 6 weeks off have been utter shit. Ruined myself. And going back to school is going to get so much worse.

I want a hug. A shoulder to cry on. Some human affection but that feels so distant.

Why would she add me to her private story but not text me at all today? Im confused. Was I supposed to comment on her looks? Thats the first time Ive seen her in over a year. Was I supposed to say something? Was she making me jealous? I dont get it. I dont get much aha.

Truth is I know Im scared to get out of the bath. I know I'll break down again. I dont want to move, I dont want to live but I think ive stretched that enough and Im now getting annoying.

Asking all these questions, feeling sorry for myself, calling myself pathetic only makes me even more pathetic. Isnt that right Kayden? I dont have to answer that, I know im not overthinking either, Ive always been self aware.

If I could go back in time 3 years, 2018, what would I tell my younger self. Well Id be 14, 2 years into my depression or whatever this shit life is. Id tell myself to save myself all this pain and kill myself. Telling a child to kill themselves sounds horrible but its fine because that child is me. I should've done it.

My mum attempted to kill herself a year ago now. She survived after 3 days in hospital. She wouldve OD'd. We've all become aware of the signs after that but they only focus on her. Why cant they see I'm struggling? I cant kill myself now after seeing what my mum's attempt did to my Dad and my sister.

No way out. No way to escape. No way to just be happy. Im so alone.

The bath is cold. Ive said that havent I? Im so alone in this stupid bath. Im so sad.

Please at least say 'night' or something Charlotte.. something, anything to show that I've crossed your mind at least once today. Please.

Well I'll get out of the bath now. Ive been writing for 31 minutes. If I dont write tomorrow then I'm hopefully dead. Lol