#yes i did this to wallow in my sad feelings of not being able to see my longwaited namjin live bc im stuck in corporate tyranny

[wind-up-thancred]

bit of thancred character musing under the cut that im gonna try to approximate from a 6am discord rambling into something i can actually post. both SHB and EW spoilers included

i saw some folks talking on twt about how guilt seems to be a very important factor in his life and i agree. i think a lot of major parts of his character and arcs have been due to guilt over something he did (or didnt even really do, re: the whole goobue rampage situation). it's driven him to work his ass off after louisoix which lead to him getting possessed... but its probably also what motivated him to do better for ryne after being forced to look his fuckups directly in the eye instead of just wallowing about them. but i think, at the same time, he doesnt really seem to, like... actually be proud of himself for a lot of the stuff he's done in order to work off that guilt? the biggest giveaway for that being the line in endwalker on the ragnarok where he talks about his "good deeds" cynically and seems to insist that they were never really that impactful in the first place. that they'll just go to dust when he dies.

in shb, during the ahm areng segment, not only does he talk down on himself in general, but also puts down his attempts to help OG minfilia back in the pre-ARR days... when i'm pretty sure she never even blamed him for the goobue rampage in the first place.

it's all a little bit sad to me, tbh. i've seen some people reason that, because he was only able to escape poverty due to louisoix seeing potential in his thieving skills, he's essentially internalized the idea that he's only really worth keeping around by ANYONE if he's actively being productive, either helping others or trying to fix whatever fuckups he feels he's made. i think that would explain a lot of this

note the "few positive traits" line, which to me comes across as "i was only picked up out of childhood poverty because he thought my skills were useful." though i don't really know how much of that mentality he's managed to work past by post endwalker. he IS able to go off on his own, and mentions that he trusts the scions to keep themselves safe now... but as i ranted about before, the short story points out that he's only really content to rest briefly before he feels obligated again to seek out unrest to try and help, specifically mentioning minfilia again. also, a couple times during the story, notably post ARR after his possession, mid SHB after he's wounded in a fight with sineaters, and post SHB after he passes out due to the weakening soul-body bond, he seems to dislike even having to rest for medical reasons

it's a pretty interesting part of his character to me. idk if the writers specifically had his rigorous upbringing in mind when they wrote these parts of his character, but to me it would make a lot of sense as an explanation for why he's so averse to rest and why he carries so much guilt and why he's so passionate about keeping the folks around him safe. that's kinda been his whole reason for life since he was a kid-- using his skills for the benefit of others. to him, doing anything other than that would be a waste, it seems.

idk. funny guy makes my heart hurt. yes i had all these dialogue screencaps saved and on hand. yes i am a little insane. what of it

[hollowed-theory-hall]

Any HC's on what's going on with Luna?

Hi, so I really like Luna as a character, and I've seen various theories about her being a seer, which at least used to be popular in fic, but I never got that impression from her. Personally, I don't think there's anything magical going on with Luna. I think she's just a girl with imagination, a sense of whimsy, and some trauma of her own who chose to handle it through her internal little world rather than anger and other more externalized ways to cope.

So, this kinda ended up being a bit of a character study on Luna...

Pandora Lovegood & Luna's Trauma

One of the major moments in Luna's life that really changed her worldview and approach to people and the world was her mother's death:

“Have you . . .” he began. “I mean, who . . . has anyone you’ve known ever died?” “Yes,” said Luna simply, “my mother. She was a quite extraordinary witch, you know, but she did like to experiment and one of her spells went rather badly wrong one day. I was nine.” “I’m sorry,” Harry mumbled. “Yes, it was rather horrible,” said Luna conversationally. “I still feel very sad about it sometimes. But I’ve still got Dad. And anyway, it’s not as though I’ll never see Mum again, is it?” “Er — isn’t it?” said Harry uncertainly. She shook her head in disbelief. “Oh, come on. You heard them, just behind the veil, didn’t you?” “You mean . . .” “In that room with the archway. They were just lurking out of sight, that’s all. You heard them.”

(OotP, 863)

I want to talk about her mother, her death, and Luna's general outlook on death and tragedy which explains a lot of her characters.

So Pandora Lovegood experimented with spells and one went badly enough to kill her in front of her 9-year-old daughter. This is why Luna can see Thestrals and hear voices from beyond the veil like Harry and Neville. But Luna, at her soul is an optimist and a very brave one at that. This is something that she doesn't share with her father, which I'd get to, so I think her outlook on life and death is actually something she learned from her mother.

Luna prefers to look at the half-full part of the glass. She is choosing not to get too sad over things or bothered over her bullying (which I'll get to). The main point is that Luna's way of dealing with the hardship and trauma of watching her mother die is to feel the sadness of it, but not let herself wallow in it. She keeps pushing herself forward.

I headcanon Luna took her mother's death to embrace her mother's outlook on life. That things will always be fine, that they'd always work out. I don't think Luna knows for certain everything will be fine, but she chooses to believe it will be and you see it with her later in the books as well.

“I was saying, what are those horse things?” Harry said, as he, Ron, and Luna made for the carriage in which Hermione and Ginny were already sitting. [...] “It’s all right,” said a dreamy voice from beside Harry as Ron vanished into the coach’s dark interior. “You’re not going mad or anything. I can see them too.” “Can you?” said Harry desperately, turning to Luna. He could see the bat-winged horses reflected in her wide, silvery eyes. “Oh yes,” said Luna, “I’ve been able to see them ever since my first day here. They’ve always pulled the carriages. Don’t worry. You’re just as sane as I am.” Smiling faintly, she climbed into the musty interior of the carriage after Ron. Not altogether reassured, Harry followed her.

(OotP, 198-199)

Again, this shows her way of dealing with death and loss that ended up helping Harry. She sees the Thestrals and instead of being discomforted by them and the loss they remind her of (like Neville and Theodore Nott), she tries to smile, to take comfort in the reminder of her mother. "It's sad that she's dead, but it's okay, things will be okay", it's not a direct quote, but I feel it summarises Luna's outlook on loss and negative life experiences in general.

Xenophilius and the Quibbler

As I mentioned above, Xenophilius is much less brave and optimistic than Luna, hence why I think she learned her positive outlook from Pandora and not him:

Xenophilius gulped. He seemed to be steeling himself. Finally, he said in a shaky voice difficult to hear over the noise of the printing press, “Luna is down at the stream, fishing for Freshwater Plimpies. She . . . she will like to see you. I’ll go and call her and then—very well. I shall try to help you.” He disappeared down the spiral staircase and they heard the front door open and close. They looked at each other. “Cowardly old wart,” said Ron. “Luna’s got ten times his guts.”

(DH, 347)

I understand him, I really do. He lost his wife, and his daughter is all he has, of course, he's scared of helping Harry. He doesn't want to lose Luna too. But, I headcanon Pandora was like Luna in that regard. She wouldn't have let fear stop her. I mean, she had to be brave to experiment with the kind of dangerous spells that'll kill her.

The other thing I want to note about Xenophilius and Luna is how close they seem to be whenever we see them:

Bidding the wizards farewell, he turned to his daughter, who held up her finger and said, “Daddy, look—one of the gnomes actually bit me!” “How wonderful! Gnome saliva is enormously beneficial!” said Mr. Lovegood, seizing Luna’s outstretched finger and examining the bleeding puncture marks. “Luna, my love, if you should feel any burgeoning talent today—perhaps an unexpected urge to sing opera or to declaim in Mermish—do not repress it! You may have been gifted by the Gernumblies!”

(DH, 124)

They seem very affectionate and close, both with words and I'm sure also physical affection. Luna even mentions she still has her dad when she explains how she handles her mother's loss. I think both of them grew closer and more dependent on each other after Pandora's death. And I think that's what really pulled them both through it. Each other.

I write about it more later in this post, but Luna tends to comfort a lot of characters. Hermione, Ollivanders, Harry, and I think the first person she practiced this with was her father. She is a very empathetic person and she watched loss affect her father first-hand. I think, that after they lost Pandora, Luna did more of the heavy lifting in terms of emotional comfort rather than Xenophilius, who was probably a bit of a wreck.

Now, the third major thing I think Luna learned from her father is his various odd beliefs. To name a few Quibbler article titles from the beginning of OotP:

How Far Will Fudge Go to Gain Gringotts?

CORRUPTION IN THE QUIDDITCH LEAGUE: How the Tornados Are Taking Control

SIRIUS - Black As He’s Painted? Notorious Mass Murderer OR Innocent Singing Sensation?

We all know they have some odd ideas, and are both very convinced of them. Luna never strays in her belief in the things her father writes about:

Yes, he’s got an army of heliopaths,” said Luna solemnly. “No, he hasn’t,” snapped Hermione. “Yes, he has,” said Luna. “What are heliopaths?” asked Neville, looking blank. “They’re spirits of fire,” said Luna, her protuberant eyes widening so that she looked madder than ever. “Great tall flaming creatures that gallop across the ground burning everything in front of —” “They don’t exist, Neville,” said Hermione tartly. “Oh yes they do!” said Luna angrily. “I’m sorry, but where’s the proof of that?” snapped Hermione. “There are plenty of eyewitness accounts, just because you’re so narrow-minded you need to have everything shoved under your nose before you —”

(OotP, 345)

She actually shows a dislike and anger toward Hermione at first because of how Hermione treats the things she believes in. Luna doesn't get angry often, but when her beliefs are ridiculed in the way Hermione does so, is one of these few times. She doesn't mind being called "Loony", but she cares about her, and her father's beliefs are aggressively questioned. She wouldn't have minded it if Hermione just didn't believe her (like Ron and Ginny) what bothers her is that Hermione doesn't even entertain the possibility of these creatures being real. What angers her is Hermione's closed-mindedness, not that she doesn't agree with her. Luna doesn't mind being alone in her beliefs, she minds closed-minded people who think they know everything, that's what gets her annoyed with Hermione, I think.

Now, I kind of want to discuss why Luna and Xenehpilius believe what they believe. Well, more Xenephilius than Luna, because he taught her most of it and gave her all the evidence she is basing her understanding of all these creatures and conspiracies come from.

Because that's what a lot of these are — conspiracies — and mostly about the Ministry of Magic. These article titles are somewhat like farfetched conspiracy theories like: "NASA hiding a second sun at the center of the Earth" or "Did you know the Earth is actually flat but the government doesn't want you to know" or anything to do with Area 51 and aliens. The articles from the Quibbler sound awfully a lot like that. And it seemed the main reason Xenophilius and Luna believed Harry was because the ministry didn't.

Xenophilius and Luna also believe in miracle cures like gnome venom (as quoted earlier), Gurdyroots and Plumpies:

“May I offer you all an infusion of Gurdyroots?” said Xenophilius. “We make it ourselves.” As he started to pour out the drink, which was a deep purple as beetroot juice, he added, “Luna is down beyond Bottom Bridge, she is most excited that you are here. She ought not be too long, she has caught nearly enough Plumpies to make soup for all of us. Do sit down and help yourselves to sugar.

(DS, 348)

They are essentially wizard conspiracy theorist hippies.

Basically, Xenophilius and Luna distrust the ministry (rightfully so, as the ministry sucks) but they took their distrust to the extreme. Essentially believing any information from the ministry, or ministry-sanctioned textbooks and newspapers to be false (some of it definitely is false, but not all). If it comes from the ministry it's false in their eyes and therefore everything the ministry doesn't live in is true, even if it doesn't make sense. So what I think is going on with the Lovegoods, and what they are supposed to be, is just conspiracy theorists, who rightfully distrust their government, but took this distrust too far beyond common sense. It doesn't mean all they belive is false, they are actually correct often enough, but not always.

Now, I think, as I said, they have a good reason to distrust the ministry, they just took it a bit far. I actually have a bit of a headcanon about how Xenophilius came to the conclusion that they can't trust ministry.

My headcanon is that it has to do with Pandora's death. We don't really have any indication that Xenophilius believed in everything he did before her death. Neither do we know how exactly the spell killed Pandora. I think the ministry either hid information about Pandora's condition, used some spells she created in their books without giving her credit, or the ministry never sanctioned her spells (we know the ministry does approve spells, Hermione mentions as much in HBP). I'm not sure what exactly went with the ministry, but I headcanon Xenophilius has a personal reason related to Pandora to distrust them.

Loony Luna

We know Luna gets bullied. Her belongings get stolen, other students call her "Loony". And it isn't surprising she gets bullied. children are mean to anyone who is weird and different and Hogwarts has no anti-bullying measures. Literally none, the faculty doesn't care.

What is more interesting is Luna's outlook on her own bullying. It's the same optimistic acceptance of how she treats death.

“How come you’re not at the feast?” Harry asked. “Well, I’ve lost most of my possessions,” said Luna serenely. “People take them and hide them, you know. But as it’s the last night, I really do need them back, so I’ve been putting up signs.” She gestured toward the notice board, upon which, sure enough, she had pinned a list of all her missing books and clothes, with a plea for their return. An odd feeling rose in Harry — an emotion quite different from the anger and grief that had filled him since Sirius’s death. It was a few moments before he realized that he was feeling sorry for Luna. “How come people hide your stuff?” he asked her, frowning. “Oh . . . well . . .” She shrugged. “I think they think I’m a bit odd, you know. Some people call me ‘Loony’ Lovegood, actually.” Harry looked at her and the new feeling of pity intensified rather painfully. “That’s no reason for them to take your things,” he said flatly. “D’you want help finding them?” “Oh no,” she said, smiling at him. “They’ll come back, they always do in the end. It was just that I wanted to pack tonight. Anyway . . . why aren’t you at the feast?”

(OotP, 862-863)

Other Ravenclaws steal her things and hide them, they call her "Loony" and at no point is Luna angry or scared. She is calm and serene and she declines Harry's help because she believes it will all work out. It's the same outlook on death and sadness: "Everything will be fine, just keep your chin up and believe things will be good" That just really seems to be Luna's life philosophy. She faces every problem with optimism and serenity.

Instead of being concerned over her own situation, she actually goes a step further and ask how Harry is doing. Luna goes out of her way to brighten up other people's lives and help them see the good in situations like she can. She is really sweet.

“I enjoyed the meetings too,” said Luna serenely. “It was like having friends.” This was one of those uncomfortable things Luna often said and which made Harry feel a squirming mixture of pity and embarrassment.

(HBP, 138)

“Oh, it’s been all right,” said Luna. “A bit lonely without the D.A. Ginny’s been nice, though. She stopped two boys in our Transfiguration class calling me ‘Loony’ the other day —”

(HBP, 311)

These are two more examples of Luna's being bullied. She is lonely and didn't really have friends before the D.A. But just like with her missing things, while it makes her sad, she doesn't wallow in it. She looks at the good parts. The happy memories, the fact that Ginny defends her now. Honestly, it's a healthier coping mechanism than what we see with other characters, I'll give her that.

The other interesting note is how honest she is with all of it. She always says things exactly how she believes they are. She doesn't lie or hide information from people, even for their own comfort. I think this has to do with the distrust in the ministry her father and her share.

Essentially, she was raised being told how awful the ministry is for lying to everyone and how it's horrible they hide information from the wizarding world. I think this is part of why she is so honest and straightforward. She really sees hiding information and lying as awful things to do. And, I mean, she's a Ravenclaw for a reason, she likely believes information should be accessible to know and learn, not hidden in the bawls of the ministry. It's all part of her honesty.

Luna's Empathy

Luna is one of the more empathetic characters in the books. I mentioned before how she goes out of her way to encourage and comfort others, and here are some examples I picked up:

“Are you sure you don’t want me to help you look for your stuff?” he said. “Oh no,” said Luna. “No, I think I’ll just go down and have some pudding and wait for it all to turn up. . . . It always does in the end. . . . Well, have a nice holiday, Harry.” “Yeah . . . yeah, you too.” She walked away from him, and as he watched her go, he found that the terrible weight in his stomach seemed to have lessened slightly.

(OotP, 864)

Luna is the first person to make Harry feel better after Sirius' death, to tell him life goes on and actually convince him of it. She can empathize with people really weel and tell them what they need to hear.

He finally tracked her [Hermione] down as she emerged from a girls’ bathroom on the floor below. She was accompanied by Luna Lovegood, who was patting her vaguely on the back. “Oh, hello, Harry,” said Luna. “Did you know one of your eyebrows is bright yellow?” “Hi, Luna. Hermione, you left your stuff. . . .” He held out her books. “Oh yes,” said Hermione in a choked voice, taking her things and turning away quickly to hide the fact that she was wiping her eyes on her pencil case. “Thank you, Harry. Well, I’d better get going. . . .” And she hurried off, without giving Harry any time to offer words of comfort, though admittedly he could not think of any. “She’s a bit upset,” said Luna. “I thought at first it was Moaning Myrtle in there, but it turned out to be Hermione. She said something about that Ron Weasley. . . .”

(HBP, 310)

Even with Hermione, whom Luna tends to argue with most due to Hermione appearing closed-minded to Luna, when Luna hears crying her first instinct is to go help. And she actually seemed to have made Hermione feel better, she found the right things to say.

Her mention of Moaning Myrtle makes it sound like Luna knows the ghost well. My headcanon is that in Luna's first years, when she was lonely and had no friends, she sat and chatted with Myrtle, and they had a cute little lonely friendship.

“That’s right,” said Luna encouragingly, as if they were back in the Room of Requirement and this was simply spell practice for the D.A., “That’s right, Harry. . . come on think of something happy. . . .” “Something happy?” he said, his voice cracked. “We’re all still here,” she whispered, “we’re still fighting. Come on, now. . . .”

(DS, 548)

Encouraging Harry to cast a Patronus when they need one.

“I’m going to miss you, Mr. Ollivander,” said Luna, approaching the old man. “And I you, my dear,” said Ollivander, patting her on the shoulder. “You were an inexpressible comfort to me in that terrible place.”

(DH, 437)

And even comforting Ollivanders.

Luna just brings comfort to everyone she meets. Knowing what to say to make them feel better.

About her supposed seer-like abilities

As I said, I don't think Luna is a seer or anything like that. I think she's intelligent, open-minded, incredibly empathetic, has some extreme distrust in the ministry, and has an overall life philosophy of looking at the full half of the cup.

When I searched for scenes that had "extra-magical" potential I found only two:

The girl beside the window looked up. She had straggly, waist-length, dirty-blond hair, very pale eyebrows, and protuberant eyes that gave her a permanently surprised look. Harry knew at once why Neville had chosen to pass this compartment by. The girl gave off an aura of distinct dottiness. Perhaps it was the fact that she had stuck her wand behind her left ear for safekeeping, or that she had chosen to wear a necklace of butterbeer caps, or that she was reading a magazine upside down. Her eyes ranged over Neville and came to rest on Harry. She nodded. [...] The girl called Luna watched them over her upside-down magazine, which was called The Quibbler. She did not seem to need to blink as much as normal humans. She stared and stared at Harry, who had taken the seat opposite her and now wished he had not.

(OotP, 185)

I think this is more Luna being awkward because she never had friends more than anything. I think she is just honestly shocked and confused that Harry and Co. want to sit with her; of like, their free will, and not just to say mean things.

As much as Luna holds her head high, she is hurt by her bullies and loneliness, she just chooses to not internalize any of it and never stop to be herself. Honestly I really appreciate this aspect of Luna, I adore her ability to stay afloat.

The second scene:

He led a party of warlocks into the marquee as Luna rushed up. “Hello, Harry!” she said. “Er—my name’s Barny,” said Harry, flummoxed. “Oh, have you changed that too?” she asked brightly. “How did you know—?” “Oh, just your expression,” she said.

(DH, 123)

I don't think this is being a "seer" or anything like that. I believe this is an extension of Luna's intense empathy. She says she recognises Harry's expression. Also, she's smart and he acts around Ron the way he always does, Luna would be able to recognize it...

So, yeah, these are my thoughts about Luna.

[viivenn]

drunken stupor. (lucifer morningstar x named!reader)

in which the lightbringer and a very inebriated jophiel converse solemnly about their melancholic tumbles from grace.

content and warnings: excessive alcohol consumption, swearing, angst of course. the reader in this is named jophiel and lucifer’s fall is not lore accurate because i wanted them to be able to empathize with the reader at least a bit. just sad lesbians being sad lesbians guys !❤️❤️

word count: about 2,963 give or take.

✨special thanks to @agathaandgwenslesbian , my biggest inspiration.

— “ walk with me, little lamb…

𖤐

your fall from grace was less than justified.

scrubbing the Morning Star’s quartz floors with fury, you reminisced about your time in heaven, your once beautiful wings, plumed and well groomed with beautiful white feathers and a holy glow that you wore so, so well. now you had no wings, just stubs that once were soft appendages that signified your sacred position in the gates of heaven. how you missed the bright light of the heavens, the smell of chrysanthemums and what you could only describe as purity that filled your senses. the heavenly experience was truly something you longed for again.

but you were being punished. you were being punished because you had feelings, feelings for a mortal and you acted upon them with great sin. you felt stupid. you cursed yourself. stupid, stupid, stupid. every day you spent in Lucifer’s kingdom you dreaded, and the longer you were there the more you longed for your mortal companion whom you assumed had moved on by now as all mortals do. that thought pained you.

and that Morning Star, the Lord of Lies, the Lightbringer - to you, the light-take-away-er. if the scent of sulfur and rotting wood and burning flesh in the air wasn’t enough, you had Lucifer over your shoulder almost constantly, their piercing blue eyes observing, watching, all-seeing and all-knowing of every thought you had about the place. and they absolutely relished in your suffering, which made you all the more infuriated.

what seemed to make you the angriest though was why Lucifer bothered to pester you about how you fell. after all, they didn’t give two fucks about you, your position, your job, how you felt. you constantly refused to tell them, which made them ask more, and more, and more, and more, until they made you snap like a weak tether. until you would scream at them to stop asking, beg them to stop being so fucking nosy so you could wallow in self pity without being mocked and bothered by your fall. and yet they did not care, and carried on anyways.

today was different. you finished your duties, setting the scrub brush back into your bucket and dusting off your white robe that the lightbringer picked for you - and specifically for you, you noticed, because everyone else dressed in a darker solid color. you sighed and lifted the heavy bucket of suds, straining your arms to some extent before a gentle hand laid itself on your shoulder. well, speak of the devil.

“wonderful to see you working so hard, sweetling. i take it you’ve finished your chores, hm?” their voice rang like a gong against your eardrums. you grumbled, turning slowly on your heels to face them.

“yes, my lord.” you answered plainly, gazing down at the dirty soapy liquid in your bucket.

“well… you know, Jophiel, i never thought i would find myself commending you for your hard work, but you’ve polished my floors wonderfully. they’re so pretty, aren’t they? pure quartz tiles. white and angelic.” they wore a small grin, eyes examining you and your figure. that comment seemed to have struck a nerve with you as your brows furrowed, which only made them chuckle in response.

“is there anything else you plan to assign to me, my lord…” you asked with a clenched jaw, feeling like you would’ve blown a gasket then and there.

“why, yes, there is. walk with me, little lamb.” Lucifer held out their hand for you to take, which you did not. their smile faded as they lowered their hand. you set the bucket down, staying close to them, refusing to look at them.

you and Lucifer walked in silence, treading to their chambers. they did not typically allow servants such as yourself in their space, as they seemed to be extremely anxious about it being kept private, but seeing as how they only took interest in you, you knew you were an exception to their peculiar rule of ‘my eyes only’. entering the room bombarded you with… pleasantry, which surprised you, and you gave lucifer a short glance, perking a brow as you looked around and took in the scenery and new scent.

for the first time since you fell you smelled something sweeter than sulfur, something less putrid than rot and death. this was comforting, a sultry vanilla and spice. of course you had never been in here before, why would you be? the newness of it all was almost overwhelming. lucifer took a seat in the sofa nearest the fireplace, leaning forward to pat the chair across from them in which you assumed you were supposed to sit in. as you plopped down into the seat you felt nearly swallowed by the comfortable cushion of the chair, the soft texture of the arms. you gazed around the room again, admiring the carved marble of their fireplace, and their neatly made bed, which they probably made themselves. you didn’t blame them for that.

as much as you hate to admit it, they had quite the sense of decoration and knew what sort of furniture belonged where. it reminded you of your mortal companion’s home… how you missed her.

“my lord,” you cleared your throat, but you dared not make eye contact with them, knowing your place after it was beaten into you by Mazikeen, “why have you called me here… are you going to make a fool of me again? ask me about how i fell?”

the Lightbringer chuckled, reaching for the bottle of wine and two conveniently placed glasses from the small side table next to them, pouring you a glass and one for themself. “no, sweet Jophiel. i think i’ve been going about it all wrong, we are strangers after all, hm? tell me about yourself.”

no. you weren’t strangers. you knew who they were and they knew well who you were by now. you just… did not know enough about them, and they didn’t know much about you besides what they could force out of you.

“i was heaven’s messenger.” you muttered, cautiously taking the glass of crimson liquid they handed to you. “i was one of the elite, the favored, the most beautiful divine.”

“tell me something i haven’t already heard.” they took a small sip from their own glass, side eyeing the fireplace for a moment. “i hear that all the time, what makes you special?”

you were at a loss of words, truly, nearly angered again as they uttered that sentence. you would dare call them blasphemous, but not to their face, or to anyone else. you grumbled as you chose your next words carefully. “i’m special because i nearly had a chance to return.”

Lucifer’s color drained from their face, as if their porcelain skin could get any lighter. for a moment they glared at you with a fire that burned like a thousand furious suns. that was their dream. that’s what they’ve been longing for this whole time and their fucking servant gets the chance? “and, how did you manage to accomplish that feat?”

“i was simply close with the messenger angels. we were all tight knit and spent most of our time together.” you shrugged, finishing off your glass of wine as your eyes slowly met Lucifer’s exasperated gaze.

their look suddenly softened, and a gentle smile pursed their lips. “i’m happy you received that chance. i’m sure you were beyond disappointed with the idea that you were ineligible in the end?”

“i was.” you nodded slowly, watching curiously as Lucifer leaned forward to fill your glass again. this time there was more, as they seemed to no longer care how much you consumed, their sudden pang of hatred towards you creating thick tension.

“what a shame.” they handed you the bottle, not feeling up to another glass as they set theirs to the side. you watched them tap two long fingers against their knee, thinking carefully about their next words. what would they say to you? their eyes occasionally flicked to the bottle of wine in your hands as you poured glass after glass in awkward silence, the silence slowly becoming comfortable silence as you felt warmth rise in your chest, your cheeks flushing, the world around you appearing as though you had astigmatism.

finally breaking the silence you spoke up, drunken thoughts becoming drunken confessions as your soft sigh caught the Lightbringer’s attention. “i miss her.”

“miss whom?” Lucifer asked, perplexed by the randomness of that statement, leaning back against the sofa cushions.

“my mortal…” your speech didn’t slur yet. your mortal? Lucifer was interested now, their attention focused on nothing but you.

“you… loved a mortal?” they blinked, crossing one leg over the other, piecing two and two together.

“yes, loved her so deep, so pure, s’one of the purest mortals…” you looked into the bottom of the bottle, hoping to drown your confessions with more of the red liquor, but the bottle was empty.

“what was her name?” Lucifer asked quietly, hoping they hadn’t overstepped.

“s’was uh…mmm. Destiny.” her name rolled off your tongue like you had spat up the acid from your stomach - with how drunk you were, you probably had by accident. who knew angels were light drinkers. the author certainly knew.

“Destiny…” the name echoed from the Lightbringer’s lips, the way they spoke her name with respect, and not ridicule, as the other angels had done, was relieving. “you fell because you felt for Destiny, little lamb?”

“yes, n’she’s probably looooong gone by now. she was so… she was so beautiful…” you whined. “she had pretty green eyes that brought stained glass to sh-shame, and her sk-kin was beautiful too, was dark n’speckled with porcelain patches…”

— standing before your maker, you could not pray yourself out of this situation. you were guilty and caught red handed before the angelic court, not even necessary to stand trial for your sin. all of your memories played back in your mind like a cassette tape…

…the first time you saw her you were scouting souls, routine work for you, reporting back how many were to come in and how many were to go out. you decided one day to take a break - after all you chose to use a human form, to get closer to the mortals, and you could always return to your work, since you worked at a calm pace. you were fascinated by them, so you decided to be them temporarily whenever you had the chance - and you chose a library to enjoy mortal splendor, in other words, books. the librarian was her, your sweet destiny, helping you choose books, helping you read, helping you, only you in that moment…

…the last moments you spent together, you knew you had to return to heaven. she already knew your secret, already knew what you were and why you were here, and accepted it. parting ways was never easy even if you were doing simple things for her like market runs or even helping with her chores. this was no different, your last hug spent shortly, much to your dismay. you kissed her tenderly and promised her that you would return. you promised her you would come back for her. you promised you would make all of this up to her the next opportunity you got.

but that opportunity never came to you.

now as you uttered no words for your case, your fate set in stone, you gazed into the eyes of your father, who else but God to make this sort of decision, who else but he who judges the harshest in the grand scheme of all things. your eyes flicked back to your fellow angels, their eyes averted from yours, disappointment heavy in their hearts.

you closed your eyes and braced yourself for whatever punishment you were to receive, unexpected that it was to be sent to hell, banished from the heavens. you dropped to your knees and begged for forgiveness and mercy, but you were denied despite your higher status amongst the ranks. a harsh breeze enveloped you, and before you knew it you had tumbled into the gates of hell, your wings burning, nostrils on fire from the scents that filled the air and the smoke that polluted your lungs. —

Lucifer nodded as you explained, listening, as if they were a therapist holding a notepad. “im sorry, Jophiel. truly. i can’t imagine how it feels to fall from the heavens because of your adoration for a mortal with an expiration date… i only know what it’s like to fall and fall from love.”

before you drunkenly scolded them for that comment on the living, you were intrigued by that last bit. you knew Lucifer had fallen, and now that you finally gave in and told Lucifer about yours, it was only fair lucifer told you about their own, every last goddamn detail to make up for their pestering.

“tell me about your fall. i want to know. i want to know everything about it.” you narrowed your eyes on them, watching them think of something to say, before their expression softened and their smile faded.

“i don’t know if that’s wise of me to talk about little lamb.” they focused their gaze on something that wasn’t you. this made you upset.

“you don’t get ta do that to me, Lucifer Morningstar. you done nothing but pester me about how i tumbled down here, jus’ for you to not tell me what happened to you too? boooooooo.” you taunted them, but silenced yourself as they raised their hand to quiet you down.

“fine. i will tell you how the great samael fell.” they sighed and grumbled, looking pained. their fall was a heavy subject, something they had not spoken about in eons, something that they preferred not to speak about. but they supposed it was only fair.

— rebellion.

rebellion and war and love and sin, truly a long, painful battle for the Morning Star, their love for another angel, their pride and their desire for self rule. they did not like being told what to do nor when to do it, especially by God, who made them the angriest. they were the most powerful, bested only by God himself, their abilities unmatched by other angels.

this did not stray them from their love for another angel, Nephele, a soft and kind and tender soul, the only being strong enough to ground and calm the lightbringer when they began their prideful quips and spats with God, or when their tantrums grew worse because of the severity of their punishments.

their last straw came about after having been caught with nephele, tossing peony petals into the fountains and holding hands and quietly admitting their scandalous affections. they had plans to run, to escape, cast themselves out of heaven and make peace with each other’s presence for eternity, how lucifer longed deeply for such, but it never came to fruition.

pleading for forgiveness, Nephele received mercy; Lucifer would not lower themself to that degree, they chose instead to rebel and conquer and destroy. wars were fought, battles were consequential and the consequences in question were severe. heaven became a battlefield and Lucifer was at the forefront before archangel Michael struck them down with force and fear.

Lucifer feared nothing.

but on that day they feared for the life of Nephele.

worried that she would suffer more, Lucifer surrendered. archangel Michael claimed his victory and moved forward on their decision to cast Lucifer out of heaven, banishing them to a hellscape of their own fate, a product of their immense power and strength that kept them locked in for eternity.

and so, the Lord of Lies lost their spirit and their love, their new role to punish and destroy and contain their power to the best of their ability. they have never been happy since losing their faith in the divine. —

you blinked, taking in the story as best you could while being past the point of inebriation. “wow.”

“we are not all that different, you and i.” Lucifer spoke softly, easing the tension between the two of you and earning a giggle from you.

“i s’pose we aren’t, Lucifer.” you raised an empty glass as if you were toasting to that statement, leaning back into the cushions of your seat.

“thank you for telling me your story, Jophiel.” they gave a subtle nod, rising to their feet and gazing down shortly at you.

you met their eyes on you, confused, dazed, seeing two of them, your eyes darting back and forth between the two figures. the Lightbringer’s hands reached for you, their grip gentle as they lifted you under your arms and allowed you to relax in their hold as they carried you to your chambers.

“why are you bein’nice to me?” your speech slurred, and you felt like you were flying, despite Lucifer not moving fast enough to make even sober you feel such a way.

“it would be cruel of me to be unkind to you in this state.”

“but you’re the- the bloody devil, aren’t you s’posed to be evil?” you hiccuped.

“not to drunken fools.” they sighed.

“ohh.”

“mhm.”

Lucifer carefully opened the door to your room, that you had decorated to your liking, which they admired. they set you down against your mattress, watching as your eyes fluttered open and shut and open again, your brain indecisive on whether or not you were to fall asleep.

“rest your head, little lamb. you’ll forget all about this at dawn, i'm sure.” Lucifer’s voice was tempting. your eyes finally settled shut, and you succumbed to your drunken stupor, having drank yourself into unconsciousness.

they watched you fall asleep slowly, staying for some time to ensure you were okay before they let you sleep and rest off the drunken buzz.

perhaps the devil did care after all.

— 🦇🩸

[danikamariewrites]

Cabin Getaway

Eris x f!Reader

A/n: Eris is underrated in my personal opinion. I think he wears a mask just like Rhys did and when SJM reveals that I will feel vindicated lol. Requests open y’all.

Warnings: lil bit of angst, some fluff, and the a lil smutty/suggestive at the end so 18+ only (please let me know if I missed anything)

Everything sucked. That’s why you were currently tucked away in a corner of your and Eris’ favorite part of the library in the Forest House. Crying your eyes out of course. How else is a girl supposed to wallow in her sadness in a library?

You and your mother had gotten into another one of your famous fights. She had yelled at you again for not being “ladylike” enough for court, you wore pants too much, and she hated when you left your hair natural.

During these fights your father would attempt to calm her down but she never listened to him. So he stopped intervening. The only person who made you feel better after fights with your mother was Eris.

You’d been best friends since you moved to the Forest House when you were children. Ever since that day you’ve been inseparable. You slowly started to fall in love and have been seeing each other in secret for years. Not because most people wouldn’t accept it, your mother would be thrilled you managed to get the heir of Autumn to fall for you. But that’s exactly why you won’t tell her. You didn’t want to give her bragging rights to shove in the faces of the other ladies in the court, she didn’t deserve it.

And Beron, the High Lord from hell itself was another reason. You and Eris both remember what happened to Jesminda. He doesn’t want to risk that fate for you, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself.

So sneaking around until Eris calls in his bargain with the Night Court will have to do. You like that your relationship is just between you two. It feels more intimate and personal this way.

Between your sniffling you hear footsteps approaching on the carpet. They’re soft so they won’t startle you, slow, giving you time to collect yourself. You hate when Eris sees you like this after a fight with your mother. Her cruel words always break your heart, making you feel like you’re unloveable. Eris has assured you time and time again that isn’t true, that you deserve all the love in the world and more.

You quickly pull out a book from the shelf behind you, opening to a random page and stick your face in it so he can’t see your puffy eyes and red cheeks.

He sits down across from you, legs stretched out. He pushes the book you’re “reading” down with his index finger giving you a sad smile. “What’s wrong my wildfire?” You try to keep your composure but you can’t. Abandoning the book on the floor you crawl into Eris’ lap, draping your arms around his shoulders and bury your face in his neck.

You let put a sob that shakes your body and he starts rubbing your back in soothing circles. Eris kisses your temple slightly swaying you back and forth. “Another fight with your mother?” You nod. “It’s already the eighth one this week and I’m just so sick of it.”

After a few minutes of sitting there in his arms Eris starts stroking your hair. “Tell you what,” he pulls back looking at you, wiping stray tears that haven’t fully dried yet, “Court is about to get busy for a few days, our parents won’t even notice us, what if we went to the cabin? Get a break from this wretched place, yeah?”

“Yes please.” This is exactly what you two needed and it couldn’t have come at a better time. You’re alone time with Eris has been lacking for the last two weeks and you just wanted to get lost in your lover for a few days.

“We’ll leave tomorrow before breakfast. I, unfortunately, must be getting back or he will start looking for me. But I’ll try and come see you after dinner ok.” You nod as he guides you up off the floor, kissing your forehead and leading you out of the library.

. . .

Before anyone could notice the two of you were gone that morning Eris had winnowed you to the cabin. He built it when you were in your 200s, wanting a place where you could just hang out and enjoy each other's company. It’s where he told you he was in love with you, where you spent your first night together, it was just full of good memories and a happy place to be.

After unpacking you and Eris spent the day doing your favorite things. Talking about any and everything, making lunch, taking a walk in the woods, sleeping in each others arms at night just to wake up and happily do it all again the next day.

On the last night you wrapped up in each other on the couch. Your head on Eris’ chest listening to his heartbeat. It was your favorite sound in the whole world. It meant you were home and that you were loved. You started to move up his strong body ever so slightly, starting to press light kisses to his neck and across that beautifully sharp jawline. All the way up his cheek to his lips.

You feel Eris smirk into the kiss as he pulls you flush against his toned chest. “What are you doing, wildfire?” You giggle against his lips, pulling back so there’s an inch between your mouths. You would never pull back farther than that, you already spent too much time apart, you couldn’t bring yourself to be too far from him even though you were straddling him.

“Saying thank you. For always being there for me when I need you. For always knowing how to make me feel better. For giving me hope that it will all be better one day.” You bring your hands up to trace the smattering of freckles across his nose and cheeks gently. “I love you Eris, so godsdam much.” You whisper.

He reaches up and covers your hands with his large pale ones. Pressing his forehead to yours he whispers back, “And I love you wildfire, more than you could ever know.” His mouth finds yours again with a kiss that’s full of all the love for you he’s told you about over the years. You meet his passion with that fire of yours he loves so much.

You begin to rock your hips slowly against his while grabbing at the long red strands at the bottom of his neck. He moans into your lips at your movements. Eris grabs your face and slows the kiss to a painful stop. You whine, giving him a pout and those sad eyes you always use with him to get what you want.

“Let’s not waste our last night out here, let me take you to bed properly. Show you how much I love you.” He breathes out. “Take me Eris.” You sigh out. As you wrap your legs around his waist he grabs you by the back of your thighs and stands up taking you to the bedroom on the second floor of the cabin.

[lala3244]

Heartbreaks: Leviathan Part 2

~I got carried away for this one… I do hope you like angst/hurt but of course with a happy ending… also quite long because I wanted the suffering… (yes everything is perfectly well in my life so I don’t know where the want of suffering comes from!)~

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Warnings: angst, hurt, anxiety, happy ending. Not proofread of course.

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Heartbreak: Leviathan part 1

You walked away from them, tears rolling down your cheeks.

You walked aimlessly, tears never stopping. You didn’t know your heart could hurt this badly, it also didn’t help your breathing. You had to stop and sit down as you started to sob uncontrollably. You wanted his arms to comfort you, to tell you it will be okay, to tell you it shall pass. After a few minutes, you calmed down, looked around and finally you got up. The walk that you usually enjoyed to go back home felt grey, the constant night wasn’t helping. You were in your bubble. Nothing mattered anymore. Without realising, you were standing in front of the door. Your chest tightened when you thought about Levi’s room, empty of his presence. You rested your hand on the handle and took a deep breath. You pushed quietly the door and tried to listen if someone was inside. You were met with silence and you nodded to yourself. You pushed the door further so you could get inside and closed it silently. You ran silently to your room.

When you opened the door, you saw a box on your bed. It made you stop on your tracks as you were sure you had locked the door before you had left earlier. You left the door wide open just in case you needed to run. You approached slowly. The box was pretty with a neat little bow. It kind of reminded you of Leviathan. You smiled and carefully grabbed it. There was a note attached to it. “So you won’t be alone when I am away.” It was signed by Leviathan. You opened the lid and saw a plushie of your favourite anime. You chuckled at your stupidity and still wondered how he came in but shrugged it off and hugged the soft object. It was a small gesture but it made you feel a lot better.

A couple of weeks passed and the absence of the Avatar of Envy started to weigh on you. You took the plushie everywhere with you. A small reminder of what was missing in your life. It was the only thing bringing you some sort of joy. Everything else felt irrelevant. You became a shell of yourself. Levi’s brothers tried to be there for you but you shut them out, every single time. Video games were left aside as was any movies, series, anime… anything that would remind you of him. You would do your homework after classes then go to bed to try to escape reality. Eating was difficult but the brothers always made sure you did. You obliged. You knew you had at least a minimum to survive the day but even the sweets and cakes from the little angel Luke weren’t enough to make you want to eat more. They knew what was happening but they didn’t know how to make you feel better. You weren’t even pretending anymore. You did it the first few days after his leaving but the sadness took over and even the plushie wasn’t enough anymore.

The days, the weeks following were the same. Just you surviving but you knew deep down it would be even harder with him being back and you didn’t know how you would deal with that. It was already hard enough he wasn’t there but if he was there and you wouldn’t be able to be with him like you were before would kill you. Before the day of his arrival, you went to see Lord Diavolo and asked if you could move out to stay with the angels and Solomon. You should have thought about it before! You mentally scolded yourself, you could have saved yourself so many days wallowing in self pity by being with the sweetest of beings you knew. Diavolo saw how unwell you were, also Lucifer talked to him about it, and agreed to your request.

You moved the same day, Simeon and Luke, the angels, were happy to have and helped you to move your stuff. You took Luke’s bedroom, he went to Simeon’s room. His was the biggest so the two of them would be able to share it without walking on each other all the time. You settled everything that evening and actually enjoyed a nice meal with the two angels. You felt like a weigh had been lifted off your shoulders. You fell asleep in your new bed, all comfy, with all the pillows the little angel had put for you.

Simeon woke you up the next day. You smiled when you saw him. He touched softly your hair. “How are you feeling?” You nodded. “Better. Thank you for letting me stay.” He gave you a dazzling smile. “Of course. If it’ll help you feel better.” You shrugged. “I should have done it before. I don’t know why it took me that long to do that.” He sighed and looked worried. “Do you want to talk about it? You know we missed you. We saw you becoming a shell of yourself. Did you talk with someone?” You shook your head, tears welling up in your eyes, realising that if you had talked about your feelings, it might have been easier to deal with all of that. You looked shyly at the angel and whispered. “I… I want to talk about it…” You sighed. “With you.” Luckily, that day you didn’t have classes so you and Simeon stayed in your room, talking. You let your feelings and emotions out, a lot of crying happened and a lot of hugs too. Hours passed and it was time for lunch. Simeon had invited you to a new restaurant he knew you had never been to. You got dressed and you followed him there. He had been listening to you, now, he was giving you some advice and comforting you.

You spent the rest of the day, baking with Luke and Simeon. You had forgotten that Levi was back today until you saw your D.D.D on your nightstand, lighting up with a phone call. You looked at the caller and you froze, you let it ring until it stopped then text messages followed. 1 then 10 then 20. He didn’t stop texting and calling you. You read the messages and answered. “Levi. I think it’s better if we don’t see each other for a while. I’m only starting to feel better and to see you or to come back to the House of Lamentations would be too difficult for me.” You sent it and turned your phone off. You had spent a nice day and didn’t want anything to spoil it. You went to bed, feeling better than you had in the last weeks.

You enjoyed breakfast with Simeon and Luke then you all went to RAD together. You saw the brothers from afar and noticed the purple haired demon. You breath hitched as you saw him looking tired and even more hunched than he usually was. You were actually surprised he showed up to classes after being away from his video games for that long. He finally saw you when you approached at the same time as them to the front gate. His cheeks reddened at the sight of you but his eyes widened when he took your form in. You had rested but you still looked pale and ill. He ran up to you and touched your cheek with a trembling hand. “W-what happened?!” You lowered your eyes so you wouldn’t meet his and shrugged. “So you are back. How did it go?” He tilted your head. “No… no. What happened to you?” You moved your head so he wouldn’t hold it. “Nothing, I haven’t feeling well but I am getting better.” His hand dropped to his side and he looked away. “O-okay, would you like to talk?” You looked at him while he scratched his neck. “No, thank you. We are going to be late for class.” You barely turned away that you heard footsteps running away.

A few days passed where you didn’t hear from Levi. The brothers talked to you and you saw they were worried about him. He might be a shut-in but they would still hear him playing or screaming, now they didn’t. The worry in their eyes made you anxious so you agreed to go and see him.

You arrived in front of his room and knocked. You were met by silence and started to worry even more. You knocked louder. “Levi! It’s me! Open now!” Silence. “I swear Levi, I will knock this door down”. Finally, you heard some shuffling then a click coming from the door. The door open but when you entered the room, he was in front of his fish tank. You walked up next to him and watched his fish. It felt weird being here, in his room, next to him. The emotions you felt a few days ago came back rushing in. You swallowed them as he might need you right now. His fish followed his finger and you looked at them playing. You watched his face, you had missed him. His fringe was in front of his eyes, hiding them from you. “Levi?” He dropped his hand, lowered his head and side eyed you. You strained your ear when you heard him speaking softly. “Yes?” You finally moved your body and leaned against the fish tank’s glass. “How are you doing?” He continued to watch his fish and shrugged, he then looked at you. “I’m okay.” You frowned. “I don’t believe you Levi.”

At last, he looked at you. “Why? As if you would care about me? I-I am only a dirty otaku.” You sighed, he was back to his old ways. You gently touched his elbow. “You know I care about you.” You grabbed your bag and took the plushie out. “Look what I have with me everywhere!” His eyes widened and he took it from your hands. “You kept it?!” You chuckled at his surprised look. “Of course! It came from you!” He looked at it, tears in his eyes and a blush forming on his cheeks. “I-I can’t believe it!” You laughed, the first time in weeks. It was always easy with him, you were kind of similar. He let out a chuckle and your smile grew bigger. You braced yourself and hugged him. He froze and you could see his brain stopped working but when you were about to pull away, he finally rested his hands on the small of your back. He nuzzled his face against your neck and you gently rubbed his back. You spent the rest of the evening talking. He told you all about his voyage and you confessed what had happened to you. He didn’t like that fact and was worried that it could get worst.

The next few days were better, it felt good to have seen him and to spend an evening with him, just talking but it was not still enough. You could see it on him too as everyday you saw his brothers, they were still anxious about him, which was weird because they never really cared about him being locked-in that much. You didn’t know what to do, sure you couldn’t date but he was still your friend and that worried you too. You had texted him a few times but he had barely answered and after a few days without answers you started to go back to your old ways. Simeon saw the change in you and knew that something had to be done. He didn’t tell you but he went to talk to Lord Diavolo. Everyday you would see at least one brother spending time in Diavolo’s office. You were kind of suspicious. You knew they weren’t in trouble, at least not all of them. Sometimes, there were three of them, even Simeon and Solomon were present with the brothers. When you were having dinner with the angels and Solomon, you decided to ask them about it. “So? What’s up with all of you going in and out of Diavolo’s office?” The three of them looked at each other. Solomon was the first to talk. “We are planning a new festival reuniting the three worlds.” You frowned. “Okay? And why am I not part of this?” The sorcerer shrugged. “We thought we let you rest for a bit. You have enough on your plate.” You smiled. “Thank you but it would actually help me get my mind’s off things.” The three of them shared a look again. “I’ll talk to Lord Diavolo about it.” You nodded, happy.

A few days passed, still no news from Leviathan and from the others about the festival. You let it go, you were missing the demon. You were in RAD, when you saw him walking away from Diavolo. You looked at him trying to decipher his expression. He looked normal compared to last time you saw him, maybe even a smile was forming on his lips? Then he disappeared. To see him made you sad. Your heart ached to see him not as destroyed as you were. You went to your class but barely listen to the professor.

You came back to the Purgatory Hall and went straight to your room. You sat on your bed and thought about everything. How did you let yourself go like that? How did you care about someone so much that when they left, you didn’t care about anything anymore. Your phone rung and interrupted your dark thoughts. It was Leviathan. Your hands were shaking as you answered. “Hello?” There was a silence. “Hi.” Then another one. You waited for him to talk, to tell you what he wanted to say. “What are you doing tonight?” You looked at your room and thought of an excuse. “I was going to tidy my room. Why?” He cleared his throat. “I-I… Im going to pick you up and we’re going to a restaurant. Be ready in an hour.” He hung up before you could answer. You stared at your screen. Was it really the Avatar of Envy who called you and told you to get ready for an evening at a restaurant? You frowned but you still stood up and got ready. You took your time and before you knew it the hour flew by. A knock on your door startled you as you were staring at yourself in the mirror. You opened it and saw Levi standing with a bouquet of flowers. He handed them to you, his other in front of his face, trying to hide the blush coming on his face. You took them and smelled them. “Thank you, they are beautiful.” You looked at the demon, expectantly. During the hour you were getting ready, you told yourself to not get your hopes up but when you saw him, it all came back and your heart skipped a beat. He finally talked. “Shall we go?” You nodded, the flowers still in your hand.

You arrived at the restaurant and Barbatos was standing in front of the door. He greeted you, opened the door for you. He sat you at the only table that was ready. You looked around and saw the brothers and even Lord Diavolo waiting in the corners of the room, a smile on all their faces. You frowned, “what’s going on?” Levi cleared his throat and everyone else left. “My brothers and Lord Diavolo have been arguing for us. They saw how unhappy we were, how much we were struggling so they made a case defending us in front of the House of Lords and they won. So now, if you still want, we can be together again? Of course, I won’t force you…” you cut him off. “Wait what?! Seriously?” He nodded. “Yes, they…” you cut him off again, a bit calmer. “Do YOU want to date me again?” He nodded, a bit shy. “If you want to, of course.” You smiled, your heart swelling, tears forming in your eyes. “Of course, I want to be with you. You don’t know how much I missed you, it was physically killing me.” You sighed, your smile growing closer. You looked at him in his eyes. You saw them shining, love making them sparkle. He stood up and rounded the table to be next to you. He kneeled down so he was levelled with you. He grabbed your head with both hands and leaned in. He slowly brushed his lips against yours. You wrapped your hands around his neck. You pressed your lips to seal the kiss and by that your relationship. You rested your forehead on his and giggled. “I think we can eat now?”

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THE END

@kiweevan I don’t know if it was what you expected but I hope you liked it anyway ☺️ thank you for your comment !

Requests open!

Comments and reblogs welcome!

Masterlist

[babishfantasies]

I promised - part 5

part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4

“Aww come on sweetie, there’s nothing I haven’t seen before”. She said while standing in front of me. I looked confused at first, but after a short while I realized what she meant. Of course, she has the one that changed my pants last night, who else could have been. I could feel my face getting red and hot as I was filled with shame, and she, realizing this, took a seat in my bed and started to uncover me. “Now let's check the damage you made during the night”. Ok, that’s it. “LEAVE ME ALONE YOU WEIRDO. JESUS, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?” I yelled in desperation.

There was a short silence that felt like an eternity. “Oh. I see” she said, her voice with a clear disappointed tone. As I heard her I lifted my head to meet hers, finding that she had a sad look on her face. Not just sad, but she had the saddest thousand yard look in her face I’ve ever seen, and I’m not sure but I think her eyes were glassy too. God, I’m such an asshole, why did I yell at her? I could have just asked her to leave me be, that usually works. I just did something terrible, or at least it feels like it. “Hey. I’m so-” I tried to finish but then she interrupted me. “No, it’s fine” and then she stood up and left. Before leaving the room though she said “Oh, I made breakfast… for us. When you’re ready just go down to the kitchen” in a very monotone voice. I’m a fucking douche.

After wallowing in my stupidity while changing myself getting ready for my soul crushing fast food job I went downstairs to get that breakfast. I didn’t want to, but she had already made it and it would be even more rude if I just left after she took her time for it. I just hope this isn’t too awkward.

She was sitting at the table taking a cup of coffee. She was still wearing the same outfit, but somehow she looked different. It was probably the look on her eyes or the sad expression on her face, it most definitely was that. I took a seat and made me a sandwich with the scrambled eggs she had made, all while looking at her. God, she’s so beautiful, even when she’s sad. I hope there was something I could say to take back my words. Because yeah, she’s a weirdo, but nobody deserves to hear that… and well, who am I to talk?

“These eggs are good” I finally muttered. “I’m glad you like them” she answered without even looking at me. It didn’t feel like she was mad at me though, but more like she was… disappointed? That made me feel even worse for some reason. An uncomfortable silence sat between us, and a rift between me and her was formed due to that silence. This was nothing like her usual self, she’s usually so talkative and even flirty, and even when she teases me and I get mad she keeps her good humor, but for some reason this was different, and I could feel it inside me what made it so.

After finishing my first sandwich and not being able to take the guilt anymore I just said it. “I’m sorry, ok? I didn’t mean to hurt you”. I almost sounded as if I was frustrated with her distance. I couldn’t bring myself to meet her eyes so I kept my face down, but I could feel as if she was turning to see me. I felt so ashamed of everything, of hurting her, but also for apologizing in such an infantile way, I really sounded like I was missing her attention. Then she stood up and approached me, and when I lifted my face to meet hers I saw her. She was smiling with relief, as if a weight had been lifted from her, and I could feel just that too. “You really mean it?” She asked while standing tall at my side, making me feel impossibly small. I just lowered my face again, overwhelmed by my emotions and her presence. “y-yes” I said while blushing and fidgeting in my place. “Good. Then I’ll be waiting for you when you come back” she said before placing her hand on my temple to kiss the top of my head. My heart was throbbing like crazy. I just stood completely silent there until she took her leave. After a couple of minutes I came back to my senses and realized I didn’t have much time to ponder about this whole thing. I was getting late, so I ate one final sandwich and then took my leave.

Suffice to say I couldn’t focus much that day. There’s been so much going on these last 24 hours and I haven’t had the time to process it, but more than that it was her last words that were taking most of my attention. Would it be something like we did the last time? Some… intimate time together? I’m flashed with images of yesterday and I can’t help myself to get excited about what’s waiting for me. I’m even anticipating it, almost like a little kid who can’t wait for that field trip tomorrow. God, I’m so pathetic. How did I got into this whole thing? Oh yeah I remember it, it was Alice.

We were at a party about 3 months ago, and my roommate was about to leave the city, which meant I wouldn’t be able to pay rent so I had to find a place to stay. I wanted to look around town with someone, but all my friends were settled, so despite finding some decent flats I wasn’t able to pay them with my miserable job. Some of them offered a couch to crush, but that wasn’t a sustainable solution. It was in the middle of this when I asked Alice if she knew someone who would want to live with a really convenient and peaceful guy and she said “perhaps”. What was up with that? And of course it was some weird shit, but at the moment it was a strange situation at least.

Alice told me there was this woman on her 30s who was loaded and was seeking for someone to rent one of her rooms for a suspiciously low price, but she didn’t wanted to rent it to just anybody, so if I wanted to get the place I had to go to an interview with her on a sunday really early in the morning no less and see if we “got along”. I still remember that day, I was tired and miserable and basically answered all of her questions with the little brain power I had at the moment, didn’t thought at all that I would get the room, and in fact I thought after the interview that of course I wouldn’t get the place because she was probably searching for a tall well built man so she would have something pretty to look at while around the house. Well, that wasn’t what she was looking for, after all I’m 5’4’’ and she’s a head taller than I, but still I wonder if she was indeed searching for something to play with or she just wanted to be sure I wouldn’t call my friends to rob this rich asshole’s house. Well, maybe she picked me because I was smaller.

Whatever the reason might be, I'm in this situation, and I’m not complaining. It’s just that… it doesn’t feel right. I feel used somehow. I’m being used in fact. Or maybe not in fact, but there’s something I cannot control that she’s taking advantage of, and that’s not fair. I mean it feels ok… or amazing in fact, but still. This shouldn’t be how things are at all. She should be with his 6’3’’ hunk instead of doing whatever we did last time with some borderline midget. Why is she so weird? And why can’t I resist her? I would say that I want things to go back the way they used to be, but I would be lying to myself. This is abnormal, and I was perfectly content before finding out this was a possibility. I can’t even bring myself to name it, it’s just so… gross. Or at least not something you can talk with your friends about.

I ruminated like this the entire day. Darren, my coworker, looking evidently into some sort of deep meditative state while cleaning the floor asked me if everything was all right and I just said yeah, of course I’m alright, I just didn’t had enough sleep last night. Darren is such a nice guy, I almost feel bad for lying to him, but I would be dead before talking about this to another soul. Maybe with strangers on the internet and under the cover of anonymity, and even then I would hesitate to touch the subject.

When the day was finally over and I took my leave, I felt how my mind entered this hyper awareness state. Whatever was waiting for me back home was just a couple of minutes of walking and public transport away. I felt everything slowing down and could almost taste reality itself. In a way I didn’t wanted to make it back, almost as if my mind was trying to tell me that I wasn’t ready yet, that I needed a little bit more time. But despite all of that and after nominally 32 minutes I was back there, home. So strange to call it that, I feel like it’s the first time I think of this place as “home”.

As I stand there searching for my keys I hear the door opening. I freeze, my eyes locked in what’s about to greet me on the other side. It’s her, and she has this devilish smile. “Welcome back sweetie. I was waiting for you”.

part 6

[theoriginalnikegirl]

I'm finally to a point where im happy with ALL of my animorphs playlists so im making a new pinned post with all of them:

They are all (except one) in the vicinity of an hours length bc i made these to share and i feel like you should be able to listen to any of these in a single sitting, two tops. I feel like you'll be able to tell who's who but I'll provide brief (ish) explanations under the cut just in case you care

While there are six playlists above there is not one for Ax. This is because while Ax appreciates many things about human culture he canonically dislikes music and also I can't even begin to fathom what he would listen to if he did

Meanwhile, Rachel has two playlists. This is because she is my favorite character and I think about her most often. One of her playlists "the original nike girl" breaks my "in the vicinity of an hour" promise but it's also more vibes based than any of the other playlists and the only one that's meant to be listened to on shuffle.

Her other playlist "Dirty Work" is based around my understanding of Rachel's character arc: her death was pointed to in the opening pages of the series and the entire length of the series was an exercise in a whole hecking lot of people (crayak/Drode, Jake, David, Cassie & Marco to an extent, etc) gaslighting her about what kind of person she was so that we could all sit here and say "Oh bUt shE wOUldN't bE aBLe To fUNcTioN WitHOuT tHe wAr" which to be clear is *not more true of her than any of the rest of them*. Yes I will die mad about this.

In Marco's playlist "RUTHLESS" my idea was really to challenge the idea that he coped with the end of the war better than the rest of them. Like, just because his coping mechanisms are higher-functioning than Jake's or Tobias' does not mean he's doing well. The entire series Marco acts like he's fine with the stress of the war and the *whole thing* with his mom but he is pretty clearly never for a single second fine, and personally I don't think that would be any different after the war. And I think I really managed to convey that with the frenetic tempo of this playlist so im really stinking proud of it

Cassie's playlist "to save some lives" has Americana/bluegrass/gospel/folksy vibes and I managed to incorporate a lyrical motif across several songs of going to a body of water and drawing from it until it was dry which convinced me of an interpretation of Cassie's character and role on the team being (what the other animorphs see as) a bottomless resource of justification for their actions which we see when Jake demands she justify creating the auxiliarymorphs in 50 and she finally has to say "okay. Then it's wrong. But we're going to do it anyway" and how that energy might carry her as the only survivor of the war

Jake's playlist "Brother Against Brother" is part of my ongoing campaign to rewrite the beaver book bc CIVIL WAR IMAGERY IS PARTICULARLY SALIENT TO JAKE FOR A FREAKING REASON. Ahem. But I am fixated on how personal and immediate the stakes of the war are for Jake specifically because he literally shares a roof with the enemy.

And finally we come to Tobias' playlist "A Kind of Freedom" which gestures at my understanding of Tobias as someone who wants to be happy at the same time he as he wants to wallow. he wants to sit in his sadness. and he does. And I am not judging him here because I was the exact same way when I was his age (which makes his books very hard to reread now) because he, unlike me, was not afforded the chance to grow up and learn what it felt like not sit in his sadness. Anyways yada yada yada there's a reason he didn't answer when the Ellimist asked him if he was happy.

Anyway, if anyone's read all this, I hope you enjoy these playlists as well!

[the-technicolor-whiscash]

A little more than halfway through the House dvds I have (I bought up through season 5) and my consensus so far. Yes I would still fuck that old man. Yes the show has some parts that have aged extremely badly which I did expect given it began in 2005, I was prepared to be disappointed. I wish there were more Foreman-based episodes because I think he’s one of the best characters in the show. I wish Cuddy got more non-House focused screen time because I like her a lot. Yes I am still madly in love with Wilson I dream of his sad brown eyes and soft lips.

I do think the show sometimes writes itself into a hole at times because you have these interesting complex characters with different sets of morals and thus you need to find out how to properly reflect those morals and keep them consistent. I think Foreman they’re able to keep consistent, I think that’s part of why he’s a great character, but I think with House sometimes they forget he’s not just an asshole he’s also got a lot going on. House is in constant pain and when he’s not actively suicidal he’s chronically depressed. He’s not an asshole for the sake of being an asshole, he’s an asshole because he thinks he does not deserve the people who choose to be around him, and he believes he deserves to wallow in self-pity and the hatred others hold towards him. What keeps him going is first and foremost a drive to figure out what is wrong with people and that allows him to feel moments of kindness that make his world less dark, like when the autistic kid gave him the PlayStation portable. That is what makes him a compelling character, because if he were just pure asshole he’d be insufferable to watch. I think some of the weaker episodes forget that he is a person with emotions that affect him just as much as everyone else.

[defiantbird]

Bruhs, I have had A Day.

I'm not gonna go too far into it cause it's stupid. Suffice to say I fell for an extremely obvious scam, but thankfully it was a "sign up for our third party thing and we'll help you for a huge fee" scam and not a "clear out your bank account and run" scam. It was extraordinarily stressful and it took me 2 hours of being on the phone to fix it. I hate talking on the phone.

I also got my shots, and I'm having weird feelings about my parents randomly paying for things for me.

My bestie bought me lunch the last time I saw him. I mentioned feeling guilty and he told me something really sweet about how friends should be able to rely on each other in tough times. A few months ago, another friend I hadn't seen in a while covered lunch for us as well.

I'm going on a hike next month and I need shoes for it. My dad works part-time at an athletic shoe store. Today he messages me with a picture showing a pair and asks if I want 'em. I said yes and told him to tell me what it came to. He said it was on him, and also bought me new running shoes

I'm in a weird place. A long time ago my SIL told me that my middle brother once said I'm "a princess". I see how it looks from the outside. I'm the youngest and I'm the only girl. I also have chronic depression. My parents did not and do not really know what to do about it besides getting me on meds as a kid, so sometimes I think they do things like this to cheer me up.

I'm grateful, really. I'm also just wondering if I look like a sad wet creature and it makes people want to pay for me.

I mean. I know that's not real. Literally every person who has given me things recently said it's because they love me. And I'm super lucky for that. But also. I was raised Catholic.

I guess I just feel like a sad wet creature.

I have an interview for a contract job Thursday. Other than that possibility, I have no income right now. It's hard to get into the freelance editing market when so many people do it. I sometimes wonder if I could make any money if I offered editing services here.

Or, I've set up a profile for dog walking. Or, maybe I can get paid to do birthday cakes.

I have good savings, I have good support, but it's so uncomfortable for me. I built my savings by pretending since I was a teenager that that money was untouchable. Having to touch it feels bad. Feeling like I can't spend much money to go to restaurants or out with friends feels bad. I want to pay for my friend's lunches. And I will when I can again. But man. It's hard not to feel pathetic right now.

Really ought to stop wallowing and embrace gratitude for how many people love me.

[hannahsmusings]

Renee

*I stand next to him, looking down at him with my arms crossed over my chest to protect myself from the crisp night air, my facial expression far from sympathetic, this was quite annoying and he was far too old to be acting like such a child, he was a better drunk when he was younger and that was sad considering he was an awful drunk back then from what I remember and the few times I saw him in that state* Yes, it’s me, I’m not some drunken hallucination. *it was as if I read his mind, the way he looked at me showing me that he was worried he was too far gone and now hallucinating* Anthony, it is so cold out here. Don’t you want to go wallow inside? Where it’s warm? Where you won’t catch pneumonia? *I watch him carefully, seeing that he was swaying even as he sat still, that not being a good sign* *during my clinicals at the hospital, I had see enough people come through with alcohol poisoning and Anthony was teetering on the edge of drunk and dangerously drunk and I did not want to be responsible for bringing his drunken ass to the ER tonight, this was supposed to be a night for me to let loose and here I was dealing with this big baby* *I groan as he brings the joint to his lips, reaching out and grabbing it from him, his reflexes being absolute shit, able to grab the bottle of whiskey as well, seeing it was some cheap shit and shaking my head* Really? We’ve stooped this low? *I scoff, holding the bottle and joint out of his reach which wasn’t that hard to do considering he was probably seeing 2 or 3 of me right now* No, you’re done, cut off. Come on, we’re going inside. Gonna eat something and drink some water. 

_____________________________________

*attempts a scowl as you mock me when I look at you but it just coming out as a sad sort of distorted frown, sighing and turning away from you again, just wanting to be on my own as I was clearly such a shitty person that deserved to feel like this, I didn’t want your pity or especially not your kindness, not when I knew you were angry with me* I deserve to catch pnemon...phneuromon...stupid fucking word. *mutters drunkly, burying my head in my hands and frowning as I clutch the bottle, swaying a little as I attempt to finish my joint but I kept missing my mouth* *about to try again before you were snatching it from me as well as my bottle, my head whipping around* Hey! *says in frustration before groaning as the quick movement made my head spin, eyes rolling a little and as I lean against the wall, turning my head from you and pushing my arm out to shield you from me* No. Don’t wanna. *mumbles, eyes closed as I sit on the step, clearly drunk and high out of my mind* T-Thought you wanted me to leave you alone...*slurs with my eyes closed, one hand clutching my stomach as I try and calm the waves of nausea, my other hand still outstretched at a feeble attempt to push you away or prevent you from coming closer* Don’t want you to see me like this..*whines a little, voice thick with alcohol as I let out a deep sigh, just mumbling incoherently to myself*

[ofreporterintinct]

Anger; it was a heavy emotions that crippled our insides. Iris was loyal; she’d follow her best friend anywhere. Yes she understood him; when he felt his people the people he loved were threatened he tended to pull back. He tended to want to take control. Iris was confused at the start of the day; she was sad and dare she say heartbroken? Barry and herself had only been trying the dating aspect; nothing serious. Truth was he’d always been in her line of vision. He’s always been in her corner; always been the one to hold her hand. To hold her when she had tear strained cheeks. He was her anchor; the only one she wanted to be a constant. And then the rug was pulled out from under her. 

He decided an us wasn’t an option. Barry decided that we should stay friends; and it was how he did it. He was gente he wore those puppy eyes that made it difficult for you to be mad. He held her hand and said the famous line; “ I care about you, I’ve always loved you Iris but now isn’t right.” He ended it with I rather you in my life as friend than to ever hurt you. Too late I thought to myself. For days I was that stupid girl; who spent most of her time wallowing on the couch. Iris would watch stupid pathic movies and drink her red wine, each time she heard Barry speed to the door and his keys jingling from the outside; she’d pull the covers of the soft blankets over her head and pretend to sleep. As if she could just magically be okay. Until today; she should’ve felt relieved that she did nothing wrong. That Iris had been a stand up girlfriend, should’ve been honored that everything the split; the hurt he caused me was all due to wanting to protect me. But I only saw red eyes on myself; the anger I felt coursing through my small body when I stepped through the STAR lab doors. 

I was mad at him. Making decisions for me; without consulting me. I felt numb at the thought of taking my last breath. Of not being able to protect myself. I was left in the dark. It was a crippling feeling. Hands swinging on my sides when I said the words. Savitar; the name left an emptiness in my throat. Eyes peeled forward as I tried to mask the fear I felt in my body. The fear that I might die. Shaking my head as I pulled my arms across my chest in almost defend. 

“ Barry.” A name I longed to say now felt flat. “ My dad told me, You’re trying to save me. What does Savitiar want with me? “ A small hint of emotion; of the fear underlined in my voice, Reaching out; I ran my palm along his arm. “ Barry; Flash or not you’ve always been my hero. You should’ve told me.” A insult retort raging at the tip of my tongue instead hand dropped back to my chest as the wall opened for the vault room, Head nodded forward. My fate on paper; I was a brave one for wanting to see what changed; it was odd but despite how angry I was; I still had trust in him.

You'll always be my home.

@IloveMusicals

A home that was supposed to be real 

Something real that was more real than Iris ever expected. Especially after the tragic death of Eddie; the same day I found out about Barry my best friend. The man I could confide anything in. I found out his biggest secret of all that he was the flash. The speedster in red; that ran circles around our city. Ran to be a hero. Barry was a hero on his own without the suit, without the speed. He’d always been someone I admired. His strength; his way of moving forward from the pain. Honestly Iris knew she had been dim to the truth. She had hidden her heart from the reality. The reality of him; of the possibility of us. Iris never wanted to lose him; their friendship. Which is why she played it safe; she liked Barry; we had a connection. 

One of love, passion; but when it came to dating Iris was in those easy early stages of an us. She had went on a few dates coffee dates at jitters, a nice restaurant an italian place her favorite. But she felt like we we were pretending not be ourselves. Was it harder because we had known each other for years? Was the spark completely within our heads? The brunette felt the questions beaming at her. We eventually found our own footing with each other; we talked; we felt okay with Barry speeding off as long as he came home to me. As long as I got my goodnight kiss; the kiss every girl dreams of. It was steady; it was safe for us. That was until Barry started acting weird; he made me feel like he either wanted to escape me, or he wanted to walk on eggshells all of a sudden around me. I was left feeling confused; not to mention that awkwardness around my father; who was like a dad to him too. I felt unsure of myself; I was confused. 

I was sitting in my home living room with my head held into my hands. I heard the door assuming it might be Barry; or hoping on my part to explain himself for his own behavior at star labs, instead I was met with my dad’s he had tear strung eyes; I reached his glaze as I uttered. “ Am I not enough? Did the dream not live up to the reality? I asked more so to myself than him. I felt his arms wrap around me; as he whispered “You’re always a enough Iris, any boy who doesn’t see it, doesn’t deserve you.” I nodded with a prickle of tears that peeked against my eyes. “ Thanks Dad.” He whispered something about saving me. In response I had furrowed brows in confused. “ What are you talking about?’ He realized instantly he said his thought aloud. I felt numb when he said it aloud. 

Savitar? Who was that? He had mentioned apparently I died in the future to this Savitar; and it clicked in my mind; Barry; he saw the future? He thinks I die? More red flags ran up within my head as I stood to my feet more determined than ever. I wasn’t a wounded flower. I didn’t need to be saved; I needed some clarity from Barry; the man who felt it was okay to keep life altering secrets from me. With heels of my shoes leading out of the house; I was a women on a mission. Iris didn’t want to message him and say those dreadful words “ We need to talk” Was he ending this? No but she needed to know what was going on especially if we’re life was in danger. 

The brunette had drove to Star Labs; knowing her boyfriend; a speedster at heart. She had gotten to the lab; stepping inside where the lights peeked on. I had said hello to Caitlin who smiled as I spotted Barry in the hall; I was a girl on a mission. A stern expression; as I asked. “ Who is Savitar?” I asked being coy; knowing if Barry trusted me he’d be honest if he was playing scared he’d hide it and my answer of what to do would be made up. I liked Barry; may even love him; he was the boy I craved; the one I longed for. But not based on lies; what we had was meant to be real with each other. 

That meant letting me in. Arms pulled to teether across my chest.

[nako-doodles]

rules: you’re starring in a movie with the last person saved in your camera roll and the last song you listened to is the title. who / what is it?

tagged by @euphhorias @blueversaillesdreams @jimmeo-kookliet @tae-bebe @shrimpmsg thank you lovelies 💕

yall better be prepared for superhero jinnie saving the world in his cute character (rj) blankets. i am, ofc, the smitten reporter in the bg coming up w the most egrejins jin puns i could think of to make the headlines. quesjins?

tagging @taehyungq @thatredwine @rainycle @gimbapchefs @bonsaipapi @kithtaehyung & i guess anyone really im so late to the game theres already another game playing 🤣🤣

[zbeez-outlet]

Left Behind Pt. 4

<<< Part Three

Part Five >>>

Levi x FemReader

Established Relationship

Concept: You're gravely injured during an expedition that goes wrong, and in the confusion you're abandoned in Titan territory.

Pt. 4 Summary: Levi doesn't want to learn to live without you. He doesn't want your pillow to lose your scent or you clothes to gather dust or your journals to go unread and unfilled. He's terrified for the day Erwin replaces the you-shaped hole in his strategies with a new Squad Leader, a new set of soldiers in line to replace your subordinates, your friends, who are just as unaccounted for as you. Levi has to learn to breathe without you and, honestly, he'd rather suffocate in your loss than get used to a bed without you beside him.

Warnings: Angst, cursing, depression, angry outbursts, grief, suicidal ideations (but no actions), Levi is a sad boy in this one, graphic nightmares, self-destructive tendencies (If I missed anything, please let me know)

A/N: Part 4 everyone! Sorry it's been so long! We're almost finished, thank you so much to everyone who's enjoyed the series and sent me kind words. If you want to be added to the taglist, comment below! If you're interested in making a request, check out my page for more details (I work with a bunch of different fandoms and characters). This one was a bit of a challenge to write, I hope Levi isn't too OOC. I have mixed feelings about how this one turned out, it got a little away from me sometimes, but overall I'm happy with it! Thanks again! And yes, I have a soft spot for Mike. He died too soon!

Mike comes looking for him first, not that it's an especially difficult challenge. Between the giant man's canine sense of smell and the fact that Levi hasn't been able to leave his quarters since returning from his devastating visit to the infirmary, the biggest hurdle is the lock on his office door.

Which he didn't bother to actually lock, too busy wallowing in the reality of you, your body, crushed beyond the wall. Not buried, not even rotting because of the chill and the ice. Frozen in the last terrifying and agonizing moments of your life.

He doesn't even notice Mike has found him until the taller man sinks to the floor next to him. Levi hasn't been counting the seconds, minutes, hours, days since he sat down against the wall in your...in his bedroom, journal with that damning letter between its pages clutched to his chest and eyes locked on the bed he's too scared to approach.

Part of Levi is surprised Mike came to him before Hange or Erwin or any member of his own squad really. The two of them aren't exactly close, with an introduction stained in threats and gutter water and a deal that got his only friends killed. Levi has obviously grown to respect his comrade, but he can't think of a single one-on-one interaction with the man that wasn't work related.

But then he remembers that the two of you are friends - were friends - even before Levi was bullied into joining the scouts. You were on Mike's squad after Erwin rose to Commander before you graduated to a squad leader position. Any lingering surprise fades, but still, Levi is grateful for the half meter or so of space Mike leaves between them.

It's quiet for what feels like a long time, and Levi can't imagine being the one who breaks the silence. He thinks Mike must realize this because he just sits, heavy and warm and still, and he stares as resolutely at the bed as Levi does.

"Did she ever tell you we were in the training corps together?" Mike eventually asks, his deep voice uncharacteristically soft in the emptiness of the room like he doesn't want to disturb the air if he can help it.

Levi is thankful for the consideration and mumbles a barely-there 'no' in response.

"I joined later than most soldiers, nearly into my twenties actually," the blonde continues, keeping that gentle rumbling tone. "I have a big family back home. The second oldest of five, all boys, all practically carbon copies of me." He pauses here for a long enough moment that Levi wonders if that's really all he has to say. "I fight for humanity, fight as a scout because I believe in Erwin's cause, but I initially joined the military for a much less noble and much more selfish reason. I joined to get away from the plan my family had set out for me. I wanted to break the mold my brothers had all fallen into so easily."

"Tch, why are you telling me this?"

But Mike just pushes on like Levi hadn't spoken - maybe he hadn't, his tongue feels swollen and his throat tight. "Most cadets in the training corps start between the age of fourteen and sixteen on average, but there was this tiny twelve-year-old girl in our ranks that year. I'll give you one guess as to who that little girl became."

Your name gets stuck in his chest, but neither of them need to say it to imagine that small girl. Levi thinks about what you must have looked like at that age, probably too small and too innocent, all baby teeth and pigtails and thin limbs with none of the built up muscle he knows you to have, but still just as passionate and kind and you.

Picturing that tiny version of you standing at attention next to hardened cadets, whatever Commandant existed before Shadis screaming in your face to scare you, break you, mold you into the perfect soldier, and Levi thinks about if he could go back in time to warn that little girl away from her path to suicidal heroism even if it meant erasing all the time you shared together. At least you'd be alive, far away from the tragedy of this life. Maybe married, maybe with kids. Happy and safe.

Nausea crawls up Levi's throat when he realizes that picture doesn't include him. Selfishly, he can't wish for that reality either.

The sound of Mike taking a deep shaky breath brings Levi out of his spiral. He chances a glance to his left and holds back a frown at the despair he sees in Mike's posture.

"She was always the butt of the joke, y'know? Youngest, smallest, one of only a handful of girls. Easy target. Even to our instructors." Mike scoffs, large hand running through his hair. He has a smile curving his lips, but Levi can see the melancholic edge to it. He's never actually heard Mike speak this much before, let alone this familiarly. Levi isn't really sure how to feel about it. "I started eating lunch with her. I think I was hoping if everyone saw me, the oldest and biggest one there, favoring her then they'd back off. I didn't find out until years later that they all just got better at hiding it."

Levi frowns, wondering why you never told him about your time in the training corps, about the bullying, about Mike. But then, he never asked. Too busy wanting to know and love and cherish the you of now that he never thought much about the you of then. The past has always been something he wanted to leave behind, learning about yours prompted the possibility of inviting you into his own. A possibility that held him back from you for so long, too long. Wasted time. He wishes more than anything he could ask why you decided to join the military so young, what you were like as a child, as a cadet, how you became the person he loves so much.

He knows some of it. No siblings, dead parents, the hardest worker he's ever known. It's not enough, it'll never be enough. And now he can't ask you.

But he can ask Mike.

"What was she like?"

"Back then?" Mike seems to roll many possible answers between his teeth before he finally parts his lips. A sad smile pulls at his cheeks. "Small, smart, real quiet at first...so fucking strong. Not just with the bullying, I mean literally strong." He barks half a laugh, covering a sniffle with a swipe to his nose. "She took hand-to-hand combat so seriously during training, more than anyone. A few lessons in and she knocked me off my feet. I would have been embarrassed if she didn't look so proud. Not smug or arrogant. She, uh, she did this little dance, pumped her fist in the air, laughed. Not even at me, just laughed, like she couldn't believe what she did."

Levi can picture it, a smaller you and that little jig you do for every worthwhile accomplishment. You still do it, goofy and ridiculous, and he misses it. Every promotion, every bet you win against Hange, every time your squad comes back with no casualties. That thought has bile churning in his gut.

You did it the first time he kissed you, not that you knew he saw you do it. It's one of his favorite memories.

"I think it was that day," Mike's voice drifts, bringing Levi back into the moment, "she became more to me than just a fellow soldier. She's the little sister I never had and didn't realize I wanted, has been since she smiled and held out a hand like she could actually lift me to my feet and asking me if we could spar again."

"She was."

"Hm?"

"She was your little sister." The words taste bitter and bite like acid from his throat. "She can't be that anymore."

Levi's pretty sure under any other circumstances, Mike would have hit him. He can see the larger man in his periphery, fists clenching and unclenching on his knees, deep unsteady breaths ruffling his chest, eyes glaring hatefully at the floor.

It's a long anger-filled moment before Mike speaks again, his voice carefully controlled - more familiar to Levi than the soft grief he'd spoken with the last several minutes. "What each of us lost out there, it's different Levi. I lost a sister, Hange a friend, Erwin a trusted ally, you...you lost what you lost. I can't speak on that, on how you move forward from that. But me? I don't stop caring just because she isn't here to be cared for."

Levi swallows, eyes stinging as he stubbornly grapples with his grief. Part of him thinks it'd be easier to give up loving you now that you're gone. Because it hurts so fucking much and he doesn't know how to make it stop. The rest of him is terrified of who he'd become without that love. His fingers flex around the journal, hoping Mike doesn't ask about it next.

"She is my little sister, she'll always be my little sister, even if she isn't here to knock me on my ass and laugh."

Mike leaves Levi with those parting words and a brave hand gripping his shoulder, kindly closing the door behind him.

The room feels small without you to warm its corners. Quiet too. He stares at the bed the two of you shared for months now, trying to remember the last thing he said to you, wondering when he last told you he loved you, and realizes something he may have to actually thank Mike for later.

You are the love of his life, and that will never change. A tear warms his cheek, but he doesn't bother to wipe it away. Levi wishes you were still here to be loved.

Nothing helps him move forward, but at least training keeps him busy. With the harsh weather wracking against the rickety walls, shuttering the windowpanes, and snow piling high like stones, Levi thrives in the chill settling in his bones amidst the raging storm and the extra challenge of the wind curving his swings unpredictably.

Levi doesn't order his squad to join him - not when his objective has more to do with the emptiness of you at his side than honing any actual skills - but they're behind him anyway. Dependable and strong and showcasing every reason why he chose them in the first place. Your squads were close, elite as they always have been, and he knows they're feeling a heavy loss as well.

He accidently walked in on Gunther comforting a sobbing Petra two days ago, drying tear tracks flashing on the taller man's cheeks. All Levi could do was clutch the letter in his pocket, now wrinkled and soft from being unfolded and read and folded over and over and over, while offering as understanding a nod as he could manage before leaving them to it. Normally he'd have a word or two of support, if not encouragement, but he hasn't managed more than a few syllables since his conversation with Mike.

The wind is sharp like razors, nipping at any weak points of exposure on their skin. Levi knows a kind of cold from his childhood, of loneliness and damp and death and no sun rising on any future days. This cold reminds of that. His heart withers at the reminder of future sunrises without you - the first sunrise without you.

He's grateful the clouds of every storm since their return, blizzards you once told him back when he didn't know what weather meant or how it felt, have blocked the sky and sun and the stars at night. Not ready to see them, to experience them, without you to point out fake constellations or make up stories about the sun chasing the moon, never catching it, but rising everyday to try again.

Somehow, he's become the sun in your relationship, and the reality of that has his throat tightening. Pulling air into his lungs burns more than it soothes.

When he finally notices the chattering teeth of his comrades, following a harsh wind and a fresh drenching of snow, he orders them inside to change, eat, and warm up. Petra asks if he's going inside too. He's never been a liar.

They stay out with him until he decides the chill of ice in his veins and snow in his eyes is no longer cold enough to numb him.

He's somewhere dark, so dark he can't see anything beyond his hand when he lifts it in front of him. Everything is empty, not cold or hot, wet or dry, or anything but the soft tickle of grass between his toes. Levi's brow furrows, looking down at the circler patch of green he's found himself standing in.

Why is he barefoot?

His lip curls at the thought of the filth he'll have to scrub away later. He's dressed in the pajamas you often coax him into wearing instead of his uniform to bed. Plush long pants, low on his hips with a drawstring and a material that feels just as good against your skin as it does his own when you twine your legs together throughout the night, and a simple t-shirt he tends to forgo in exchange for the relaxing tingle of your fingers dancing doodles onto his chest.

You.

Where are you? Why aren't you here with him? In this dark empty place. A place seemingly untouched by bad or evil or tragedy, but also unknown to goodness. Maybe that's why you aren't here, chased away because of your kindness and compassion and smile. The possibility has panic twitching under his skin. His fingers flex at his sides, itching to lace with yours and trail loving touches down your cheeks. He needs to find you, to see you.

Levi takes a cautious step forward, dew drops soaking into the soles of his feet that has his nose scrunching distastefully. He takes another. And another. And another.

Nothing changes. Not the light, not the grass, not the pitch blackness that seems to be drawing him in as much as it's pushing him away. But he's moving forward, or...it feels like he is.

There's a sudden pressure on his shoulder, but when he spins around, nothing is there and he wonders if he imagined it. A few more steps and then it's back, a gentle press of what feels like a hand between his shoulder blades. It's familiar and comforting and reminds him of a home Levi never thought he deserved, let alone could actually attain. He knows it's you.

It's you pressing into his back, now both of your hands kneading into his muscles, molding the sharp edges of his bones. His eyes drift closed. He feels a warm gust of your breath against his neck, instinctually tilting his head to give you more access, to feel you as much as you're willing to give him. A ghost of your lips brings goosebumps to his skin. Levi doesn't turn this time, doesn't open his eyes, terrified you'll disappear and he'll lose your touch, your breath, your warmth.

Your hands wind around his chest, tracing your name onto the spot his heart beats for you, the shape of your body he's come to learn so well pressed wholly against his back. A scent so uniquely you surrounds him, drawing him further into your arms that now cradle him so so perfectly. Your lips reach his ear, breath fanning across the ridge and he sighs in contentment, waiting for your voice to reach him.

"You abandoned me." It's a whisper, intimate and soft in his ear, but the words grate along his skin and make him freeze. "You left me to die." It's your voice - the voice that soothes him to sleep, that laughs at his jokes, that sobs and screams and sings and melts into his heart - but they're the wrong words, the worst words. Words you would never say because they could never be true.

Why are you saying those awful words? Why are you driving a blade into his chest, squeezing his lungs, tearing into his heart until his bleeding soul is exposed?

Levi's eyes snap open and he whirls around, but you're already gone and that same dark emptiness seems to expand around him, suffocating in a way it hadn't been before. He falls to his knees, trying to draw in breaths as he chokes on your name. The air feels heavier, pressing him down into the grass, snapping at his joints and crushing -

Crushing. That's right, you were crushed. You were alone and scared and crushed beyond the wall. And he left you out there.

Levi hears what sounds like a horse's hooves thundering on the ground, a sound as familiar to him as his own footsteps. He manages to look up despite the pressure of the air on his neck holding him down, gritting his teeth at the effort it takes.

He sees Bully. He sees you, fully decked out in your gear, rain plastering your hair to your skull, fresh blood steaming on your blades and your hands as proof of a recent kill. You don't see him, riding Bully directly passed his kneeling point, but he sees you and he screams. He screams so agonizingly his throat splits and blood pools on his tongue. He screams for you to stop. Stop stop stop STOP! Don't go! DON'T -

Levi sees the titan before you do, but the air is pinning him down and he has no gear, no horse, you're too far away, and the titan is raising its fist. The world cracks beneath him when the fist comes down, your blood and Bully's blood spraying the titan's skin in a macabre painting of gore. Nausea and horror attack his stomach, but nothing comes up except his pleas for you to come back to him.

The hoof beats start up again, Bully running by with you riding strong on her back. Levi fights against the air, clawing at the ground and his skin and wailing at you to slow down, to wait for him. He'll save you, he'll protect you, he'll -

The ground beneath him cracks again as the titan stomps on you this time, your limbs stuck between its toes and blood leaving prints in the grass as it runs.

And then Bully is back, coming from another direction, only to pass by Levi's begging pitiful form again. The earth splits a third time when Levi is forced to watch the titan grab for you, squeezing until you pop between its fingers and dribbling your remains down its throat.

He has to watch again and again and again as you're crushed over and over and over. With every death a new crack severs the ground below him, the air pushing him down and down and down.

Kicked into a tree.

Flattened between two heavy hands like a bug.

A casualty of a clumsy titan's tripping body.

Slapped into the ground.

Chewed and split between a titan's teeth.

He's forced to see every way your death could have happened, fingers knotted in his hair, his voice raspy and broken from his screaming, begging and begging and begging.

Eventually there are too many cracks, and the earth opens up below him, swallowing him whole.

Levi welcomes the fall, wondering if he'll see you at the bottom.

He blinks awake, a heaving breath expanding his chest and fingers grappling for some kind of purchase. Levi's nails dig into the plush blue arms of your reading chair he's taken to sleeping in on nights he can pull himself from his desk and dare to rest in the room you shared. It still smells like you, holds the shape of you in a way that's strangely comforting.

The bed stays untouched, gathering dust because Levi can't even bring himself to shake out the sheets.

He has this nightmare every time he sleeps for more than an hour. It tears into his heart and lingers, blackening any solace he tries to find in his days. He pretends a large part of him doesn't look forward to the dream because at least he gets to feel you, to see you, even if it kills him a little more each time.

Levi doesn't know how it happened, but he knows you were crushed. There are so many ways to be crushed.

He doesn't bother to wipe away the tears on his cheeks until the sun rises and the day starts, even though they make his skin sticky and his eyes crusty.

Levi is unwilling to risk the health and safety of his squad more than he has already - Oluo had a cold for days after the last impromptu training session in a blizzard - so instead he splits his knuckles in the gym and perspires enough that his sweat drips like fresh rain.

The sand bag is stained with his blood since he hadn't even bothered with wrappings to cushion his fists. He thinks his pinky might be broken on his right hand, it's purpling and bruised, but the pain spurs him on because you're not here to scold him or fix him or spot him when he trains. Maybe if he keeps going, you'll come barging in with a lecture on your lips and bandages in your hands because, no matter how angry you are, you would never leave him hurting.

Except he's hurting now, and you're nowhere to be seen.

Instead, Hange steps into the gym, a flask of water and a small bag under their arm that he knows is a first aid kit. They don't approach him. They don't stop him. They take a seat on one of the benches lined up against the back wall, set aside the supplies they brought, cross their arms and legs, and they watch him. They wait.

Levi pummels his knuckles until they're raw and numb and more red than flesh. He eventually drops down next to Hange when it takes more effort to breathe than it does to punch, bracing himself on his knees with his elbows. His hair has grown too long, untrimmed bangs hanging in front of his eyes when he leans forward, but he's more grateful for the barrier than he is annoyed by the length.

Without a word, Hange opens the kit they brought and pulls out some cloth, alcohol, and bandages. They soak one of the cloths in the alcohol and reach for the hand closest to them, which also happens to be the one with a broken finger.

Levi hisses between his teeth at the sting of the alcohol on his cuts, but otherwise doesn't protest or complain. Spotting the bright bruising on his pinky, Hange again reaches into the kit, and pulls out supplies for a small finger splint. The clean white bandages are speckled with his blood, but the process overall doesn't take long when neither of them are talking.

When Hange is finishing the wrappings on his broken finger, they sigh and gently hold his damaged hand between their ink stained palms. "I saw Oswin this morning too," they murmur, brow furrowing and rare frown pulling down their lips. "I wanted to tear her hair out as much as you probably did. I'm only half glad neither of us followed through."

Theodora Oswin had been reassigned to a new squad considering she was the last surviving member of yours and still far too green to take on any kind of leadership role. He hadn't seen much of her since the expedition, which he's grateful for, but that morning in the mess hall...

He'd gone for a fresh cup of tea, foolishly hoping this time it wouldn't be bitter like ash in his mouth, when he'd seen her with her new squad mates. Laughing.

The mental image of her jaw cracking under his fist was enough to have him turning on his heal and seeking out the gym, forgoing the tea because the cup would have shattered in his grip anyway.

Levi rumbles a noncommittal sound in his throat and lets Hange finish tying off the bandages on his other hand.

Neither of them move to stand. They sit until long after the sun has set and dinner is over and curfew is in effect. Levi doesn't say anything about the occasional sniffle that shakes Hange's shoulders. Hange doesn't say anything about the way he laces his fingers, gripping so tightly the bandages stain red.

Sometimes he stands in front of your collection of journals, itching to read them, to know parts of you he shamefully never asked about. Wanting to hear your voice in the words you wrote. But he doesn't because you never gave him permission into that part of you, not explicitly, not beyond a few pages. It feels like an invasion of privacy, and really, he would be disappointed no matter what he finds because it doesn't matter. Not when you aren't here to read the passages of your life to him. Not when you aren't here to add to the collection. Not when he can't be a part of every passage in your future.

But he does stare at them often.

When the snow starts melting and there are no clouds to block the sunrise, Levi hides away in his office so he doesn't have to watch it. Curtains closed, head in his hands, your goodbye letter unfairly crumpled in front of him. He's thought about burning it, about tearing it up, about writing back to you. He does none of those things and just reads it again.

There's a knock on his door, so he calls out a gruff, "Name and business," while frantically folding the letter and tucking it in his breast pocket.

No one answers him, but when Erwin walks in, any irritation on that matter fades quickly.

"The snow is melting," he says like Levi hasn't nearly slipped in the sludge and barked orders at fearful cadets to shovel the pathways. Levi nods at him to continue. "The next expedition is planned for three weeks from now so that enough of the excess water either dries up or soaks into the ground so our horses can travel safely."

Levi knows this procedure, it's the same every year. He's confused why Erwin feels the need to spell this out for him.

Absentmindedly, he thinks about how three weeks from now will be exactly three months since you...didn't come home.

"What's the point of this, Erwin? I already know all this shit."

"We're taking the same route as the last expedition." Levi's jaw locks, air stalling in his throat, and he barely hears when Erwin goes on. "It's still the quickest path to Wall Maria and Shiganshina, if we can make it work safely in our favor."

"We lost a third of our soldiers going that way, Erwin. We lost - I lost - "

"Which is why," Erwin interrupts with a condescendingly raised hand that has Levi curling his lip into a snarl, "you and your squad are staying behind. I can't afford you being distracted by what we might find."

Eyes wide in disbelief, Levi's on his feet and rounding his desk to spit fire at his Commander. "Are you fucking crazy? We're your best defense against those shit-ugly fucks and you want to bench us because you think we can't handle seeing our dead comrades? Like we haven't seen enough of them anyway."

"It's you, Levi. I don't think you can handle seeing her."

Levi shakes his head, willing his composure back into place. He can't prove Erwin right, he needs to calm down, needs to square his shoulders and hide the agitated trembling in his hands. "Leaving us behind is a death sentence for the rest of the battalion. Don't do it, Erwin, don't risk the lives of all those kids on some misguided feeling about what I can and can't handle." He takes a deep breath, meeting his Commander's eyes with a defiant jut of his chin. "Trust me, the way you have since the beginning."

A moment passes with Erwin studying Levi's resolve, eyes trailing across every twitch and line of his face in scrutiny. He eventually seems satisfied with his assessment, gives a final nod, and turns to the door.

But Levi has one last thing to say, something that he needs to spit out before it rots and spreads in his chest. Something he needs to ask his friend, not his superior. "Do you even care?" He doesn't have to say about what for Erwin to understand.

He eyes the way Erwin's hand tightens on the doorknob, the way his shoulders wilt the slightest bit. "Of course I do, Levi. You forget I knew her long before you did," he says softly, a deep sadness in his gaze that surprises him. "But someone in my position doesn't get the luxury of grieving. I thought you would have figured that out by now."

Levi knows that, of course he knows that. But this is you, and he can't imagine anyone not breaking under the oppressive weight your absence has caused. Maybe Erwin's broader shoulders are just better under the strain. Maybe the weight Levi carries is greater because of what you mean to him.

Maybe he's just so fucking tired and wants to know how Erwin keeps going each day like nothing happened while he can't even sleep in his own bed.

Maybe convincing him that he can hold it together on the expedition was a mistake.

It's not a mistake, but it feels like one.

Three weeks went by in a blur of training, prepping, and choking awake from nightmares before almost every dawn. Now they're outside Wall Rose, nearly halfway to the point of disaster that hit them last time, no rain in sight. They've managed to maneuver the formation around all but three titans, taken care of easily and quickly by the outer reconnaissance squads.

Levi can't decide if he's anticipating or dreading the inevitability of sinking his blades into a titan that gets too close. Energy is buzzing under his skin, the kind that shifts unpleasantly and threatens the stability of his hands.

He's not sure what he wants to find. If he even wants to find anything.

A purple flair in the direction of Erwin's squad at the front of the formation has Levi dialing in his focus, signaling his subordinates to make haste towards their Commander. His brow furrows, however, when they see two fallen and long since steaming titans. Erwin's squad stands unharmed but stationary between the two disintegrating corpses, Erwin himself looking rather contemplative with his arms crossed and his prominent brow angled harshly.

"No one looks like they're being torn apart," Levi grunts as he sidles up next to Erwin. "What's the situation?"

"There's someone alive out here."

"Tch, what the hell are you talking about?"

Erwin gestures at the two dead titans. "They were already down and steaming by the time we got here."

"You sure a squad didn't just break formation?"

"Pretty sure, we would have seen them pass. This is directly on the route we planned."

"That's definitely our gear though." The napes are sliced cleanly, clearly done with ODM equipment.

"It is."

Before Levi can say anything else, Eld gains their attention with a resounding, "Captain!" He's pointing towards the east where a cloud of steam rises from nowhere near any of part of the formation at its current pace.

"Guess we should go say 'hi' then, eh Erwin?" Levi grumbles, already directing his horse when he doesn't here any orders to stand down. His squad follows close behind, a brace against he's back that he's grateful for. He carefully smothers the warm feeling threatening the shield he's put around the pieces of his heart that are left, unwilling to allow even a drop of hope to settle in his eyes.

Hope is cruel. It will tear him apart from the inside out if he lets it. He can't afford that kind of devastation, not again. Putting himself back together won't be an option anymore if his pieces are dust.

They're coming up fast on the billowing ribbons of steam, two more titans having been felled by whoever got their hands on their gear. Both on the larger side, more than ten meters most likely, and pearly wild grins jutting towards the sky. Levi meticulously surveys the area as they get closer, narrowing his eyes at the flash of dark green through the thick rivulets of steam. He holds up a hand for his subordinates to wait as he dismounts his horse.

"Hey! Who's out here?!" He calls, one hand drifting to his holstered swords as a precaution, the other waving away the steam as he ventures further. "Think it's fun? Playing the hero with stolen gear!" Levi taunts, eyeing the veteran looking slices in the napes of the corpses. Another scrap of familiar green catches his eye. "Hey! You!"

A few quick steps and another wave of his hand because of the steam and he spots a figure messing with one of the blades for their gear. Maybe trying to decide if it's still useful as they swipe it back and forth, carefully looking at the now jagged edge. Must be too dull because the next second, Levi watches as they toss it too the ground and go for what looks like their last fresh blade.

"You're out of formation, Cadet," Levi chastises, raising an annoyed brow when whoever it is just ignores him in favor of replacing the blade. Confusion has him frowning when he eyes their uniform, because it's clearly the same pieces of the scouts uniform, but they're all out of order. Boots, one larger than the other. White pants cinched over top the boots instead of inside, obviously too large for the slighter frame of the wearer. More belts than the normal uniform calls for and in all the wrong places. Big sweater - backwards he notices - and the cropped scout jacket only has one sleeve. Green...gloves? He's pretty sure those were pieces of a cloak, though not the same one they're wearing. The cloak is bundled up around their shoulders and over their head, goggles hiding their eyes.

Familiar goggles. His breath catches in his throat, disbelief bleeding into his eyes.

"Mitchell? That you?" No response, but he can tell whoever it is is listening. "Hailey? Hailey Mitchell? It's Captain Levi," he holds up his hands placatingly, wracking his brain for some details you shared with him about the girl. "C'mon brat, let's go home, yeah? See your mom?" The figure seems to pause, and he's almost sure it must be her when the cloth covered head nods weirdly after a few muffled murmuring sounds. But then she plants the blade in the ground like a cane and starts limping away from him. Levi is shocked still, not understanding why she's moving in the opposite direction, away from him. Away from help.

He doesn't know how she survived out here, but it's just one of the many questions speeding behind his teeth at the moment. They'll all have to wait.

"Mitchell stop! I order you - tch, Hailey!" He chases after her, easily catching up when she has the obvious mobility disadvantage. Impressive really, that she managed to kill at least four titans with a busted leg. You'd be proud of her. When he reaches Hailey, he grabs for her wrist to stop her little adventure away from the people trying to help her. "Fucking brat, where do you think - "

Levi pauses, feeling the poor girl go completely rigid in his grasp. He curses himself for not thinking because, Walls, she must be so scared, so weak but -

But she's reaching for the goggles and the cloak. He doesn't know why he's holding his breath, but he is and his chest is burning and there's a stinging threatening his eyes and now he suddenly never ever ever wants to let go because...because...

He’s staring into a face he never thought he'd see again.

Hope is devastating, but it's also the only reason any of them have made it this far.

Taglist:

@everything-is-hollow @ashbash2403 @purplecandygerl @roseelilly @barnesbabyy @pissbabybitchboy @ekaymnslvs @dazzling-roaring-20s @iloveinej @gojosbucket @logibearhockey1 @beefcakebarnes @lilshades @leviackermanmyhero245 @mochalate @whattheheckmidoriya @ursa-the-stranger @answer-the-sirens @levibabe20 @otomaniac @roseelilly @mmo1997 @macehysteria @lqme @snailsposts @kiss4kazu @isabellawigginss @lawlerek @sluttydarlin @zirbsy @tsukilover11 @ekaymnslvs @saturnsjustabouthadit @madmadamemimble @kamizama @geese-goose18 @fckwritersblock @skeletondeerart

[murderedbyhomework]

Tsc characters as stuff I have texted my friends because why not

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Alastair: my dad just yelled at me for being female and because my biology prevents him from getting to go swim with me well I'm sorry dad I never meant to be created so if anything it's your fault for creating me. (yes I know he's male but it's the vibe okay)

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Magnus: so you know how glitter and rainbows are the gayest stuff to ever be able to be applied to art right. Guess which idiot just decided use both to write decorate a Christmas card meant for the Catholic teacher lol

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Anna/Kamala/Aline: guess who just lost their last drop of faith in the male sector of homo sapiens

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Magnus again: What do you mean I'm not okay have you seen me I'm obviously perfectly fine you guys are just projecting shoo go get therapy I'll be the therapist because I'm the only stable one here (obviously he's not fine lmao and I am but that does kinda sound like him sorry)

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Thomas: not me tripping over my feet on flat ground because I just thought of my crush ~~~~~~~~~~

Emma/Julian during the first two books of tda: I'm totally over my crush on my best fren what do you mean I'm a simp for them

Several days later: guys remember how I said I was over them? I lied. It was a big fat lie. I'm still a simp

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Cordelia: so apparently if you date your childhood best friend your relationship has a smaller chance to flop because you know each other so well. I'd totally test that out but sadly THEY'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP WHY IS MY LIFE SO SAD

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Also Cordelia: swords can solve everything can you imagine how much quicker Voldemort would've died had they just used, like a knife and went this peep is a bit full of himself let's poke a hole in him and release some air ?

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Mathew: so apparently alcoholic ice cream cannot get a person drunk what a pity

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Julian: wow who knew being mom fren was so stressful why did I sign up for this again

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Thomas, about the merry thieves: yeah I love all my friends in our friend group but honestly none of them have any self preservation whatsoever and it's honestly tragic because that means I'm the one who has to care about them and remind them to sleep and eat

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Robert Lightwood at Simon: to quote random peep, GARLIC, A MIRROR, HOLY WATER, A CRUCIFIX, F*CK OFF, GET THE F*CK OUTTA MY ROOM

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Kit Lightwood: I will never get why people do the deed for fun like why are you wasting your time doing things that sound painful and very unhygienic when you could be reading (you can pry ace! Kit from my cold dead hands okay)

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Ty: I ship johnlock romantically and therefore if I ever flirt with someone by asking them to be the Watson to my Holmes you know I'm serious about them

~~~~~~~~~

Ty after qoaad: is it bad that I had no idea my fren confessed to having a crush on me once on their status until two days later and now I have to wallow in unrequited feelings bc I'm sure they've moved on I mean they have a GF and all-

[ressjeon]

i don’t think i’m okay | ksj

➻ pairing: kim seokjin x fem! reader

➻ summary: with many chances wasted, you couldn’t even resist anymore.

➻ rating: 18+

➻ genre: romance, smut, light angst, fluff, slice of life, idiotstolovers!au, lowkey crack?, childhoodfriends!au? (more like acquaintance)

➻ word count: 4k+

➻ warnings: mutual pining, light swearing, mentions of divorce and implied cheating, family problems, brief mentions of mental health struggles, kissing & making out, teasing (duh), unprotected sex (pls stay safe), missionary lovemaking with aftercare & pillowtalk (yie 🥴)

➻ a/n: surprised that I posted this fast aren’t you? here’s my submission for the “spring will come again” event hosted by @bangtanarmynet (prompts 5 & 18, at the end) and my attempt of fluff hehe. Listen to this song by Bazzi for the vibe (not the lyrics tho but idk lowkey) and it's inspired by one of my childhood crushes :)

Yeoksam Luxury Villa

We are pleased to inform you that your reservation has been received and confirmed.

You smiled in relief once you read the booking confirmation of the retreat for yourself that you've been planning for a while. You scheduled it for the last week of Spring so you’ll be able to relax and ready for adventure in the following Summer.

For weeks your mother had been pestering you to include the entire family or maybe just your sibling when you proposed to have a luxurious treat for yourself. You just wanted this moment to be for yourself since you're going back to your home country after so many years.

And besides, you're already having a homecoming party where everyone's invited so what's the point. Scrolling through your IG feed, you spotted him with one of your closest cousins, Jaekyung and you're contemplating on asking him to invite his best friend but you'll take your chances.

You: Psstt, uh are you done inviting everyone?

Jaekyung: You mean if I invited Jin already?

You: Fuck off prick I just wanna check in to make sure

Jaekyung: sUrE, sure but yeah he knows, he said he’s busy tho

A sad sigh escaped from you, your earlier excitement now replaced with disappointment. Wow what's new anyways, your silly little crush is still apparent even just seeing Seokjin's picture. 

Jaekyung has always irked you a lot because he's been teasing you about Seokjin since you were kids but you love him regardless. He’s like an older brother to you and has the same age as Jin so they practically hangout every time the latter comes to town.You may also have been too obvious of your little crush on Seokjin that he immediately noticed and tormented you both during birthday parties.

Sometimes you actually feel bad for Seokjin because of all the teasing he gets not only from your cousin but his older sister as well. You and her have been close mainly because you crave having an older sibling, especially a sister. You hated being the eldest cause of you know, gazillion reasons. You invited her and of course she said yes but then she told you how Seokjin might be coming too since he’s apparently free.

Then why did he turn down your cousin’s invite? Does he even remember you at all?

You felt a pang at the thought but you dismissed it immediately. You still need to pack up so no time to wallow. You're gonna go to this retreat with a Seokjin-free mind.

.

When you arrived at the villa, you were in awe of how gorgeous it is. Everything from the inside architecture and all the villa's luxurious services made you pretty damn hype to be finally fully relaxed. You met with the receptionist and told you to be in the lobby after dinner for a welcoming soiree so you’re even more excited to meet new people.

After settling your stuff, you went outside and toured the entire villa, enjoying all the scheduled activities you planned but truth to be told you mainly enjoyed being pampered in the spa the most. You never regretted having this despite your initial doubts with you being money conscious growing up.

During dinner, you didn't really care much to talk to people since all you can focus on is the food, so damn delicious as you have been starving with all the things that you did today and you're more excited for the soiree after anyways. You went back to your room to touch up since you feel like you look messy after eating so much.

Coming down the stairs to the foyer you noticed people talking to themselves already but most of them seemed to be focused on something, more like someone.

And then you hear it, a familiar melody echoing throughout the room that is being played by someone on the piano in the middle of it. At first you only focused on the melody, bringing back to when you tried learning the instrument in elementary only to stop in order to focus on your studies.

But as you came nearer, you're starting to notice who it is, with his prominent broad shoulders and his perfect posture even when sitting down. There's no doubt it's Seokjin.

You walked nearer, observing him graciously playing the piano with his delicate fingers. You marvelled his face, maybe it's just your eyes but he's gotten more handsome now, it's been almost 7 years since you left after all.

With you getting fascinated with Seokjin's musical skill you didn't notice how you're slowly walking closer to a display table near the corner, and when you moved a little to get a good angle of him, you accidentally elbowed the vase behind you.

The sound cracked into the air that diverted everyone's attention from Seokjin to you. You froze, embarrassed at your clumsiness but before you can apologize you see him turned to you. Seokjin's eyes immediately locked with yours, you noticed the disbelief in them though you wonder if he's only trying to remember your face with this perplexed reaction.

You blinked away and started apologizing to everyone around you, even trying to help the cleaners who insisted for you not worry since this happens quite often. You left in a hurry, not giving Seokjin a glance as you hurriedly passed everyone.

Jin is utterly shocked to see you here of all places, he couldn't believe that you're finally back. Are you staying for good or just visiting? Despite his surprise, he managed to catch your startled reaction on seeing him. 

He immediately stood up, ignoring the weird looks he's been getting and hushed complaints since he stopped playing the piano. He's been there for a while now because of countless requests from other guests and he's just too nice to decline. 

You heard footsteps behind you and now you're nervous because it's surely him. You saw the determined look in his eyes earlier beyond the surprise in them so you already guessed that he'll follow you. But why though?

“You saved me back there” he chuckled, breathing heavily as he caught up to you. You stopped in your tracks, a confused expression displayed on your face.

"Uh you're welcome hehe" you smiled shyly as you recovered, avoiding his stares. You've always been bad at making eye contact and it's not helping when Seokjin's staring at you intensely. 

"How have you been Y/N? Didn't think I'd find you here" he laughs nervously, pondering his approach with your stunned face. He's not gonna be an idiot this time, he already missed his shots before.

"Small world haha but you really remember me?"

You awkwardly laughed since you’re taken aback at how he's approaching you like you two have been long time friends reuniting.

But you and Seokjin weren't friends, just acquaintances since you see each other a lot during celebrations.

"What, you think I'd forget you?" he smiled at you when you turned to him but you didn't miss the regretful look in his eyes. And here you thought he's good at hiding his feelings according to Jaekyung.

"I don't know, you never really talked to me back then" you retorted.

"I just..,hey–"

A sudden darkness enveloped everything around you that made Seokjin yelped and you heard the panicked outcries from the guests in the lobby. You on the other hand remained calm as blackouts don't really scare you.

You were never afraid of it, growing up getting used to frequent blackouts from your little town you developed a skill of maneuvering in the dark. Only case now is that Seokjin's making you nervous so now you clumsily walk forward and hit the corner of the wall.

You let out a small yelp but Seokjin's immediately by your side, holding you tightly. You couldn't see his face but you can tell by his tense touch how worried he is.

"Are you alright?" he asked gently and you chuckled.

"I just bumped Jinnie"

"Jinnie huh?" he teased and you're so sure he's smirking right now.

"Whatever, let's go find some candles" you wavered and instantly grabbed his arm but he removed your hand and laced it together with his own.

You're so fucked, this is moving faster than you anticipated. 

Seokjin's surprised at how you easily moved in the dark and you tried to ignore the butterflies in your stomach when you're holding hands with him, with Seokjin after all these years.

.

You both ventured through the halls and stopped when one of the staff reassured you that the blackout won’t last for the whole night. Seokjin immediately asked for the candles (which are looking fancy btw) and the staff handed them to you. Seokjin tugged you nearer to him to observe your reaction and he can feel you’re still skeptical around him, after all, you’re practically complete strangers until earlier.

"Y-Y/N, I've been meaning to talk to you–"

"I know, but let's not talk in here" you responded softly which caused a big relief for Seokjin. You dragged him further away from other guests and staff, the little light from the moon outside guiding you both as you walked through the stairs. You were going to go in the direction to your room when he moved around the corner and you noticed that it’s towards his room.

“It’s nearer than your room and I might have a flashlight and more candles there" he responded obviously, looking down at the dimming candle which is why you agreed anyways. You are also mentally preparing for this "talk" of you and him. Is this it? Will he confront you about your obvious feelings for him? How fucking embarrassing would that be.

You both entered a large suite which didn’t surprise you. Knowing Seokjin, of course he would get one of the biggest suites in the villa. You laughed thinking how big this room is for one person, it’s that bigger than yours.

Even in the darkness, you can feel him peering at you and now you’re feeling jittery, all your laughter gone in an instant. 

“I-”

“Uh-”

You both laughed a little for answering at the same time, quite cute actually. Seokjin's still fetching some candles when you walk over to him, surprising him when you turn him around to face you.

"You've been really wanting to talk to me, so now we'll talk Jin" you smiled at him and he smiled back, looking at you like you're the only light in this dark room. 

But you are though, always have been in his life ever since.

"Okay so I know we've never really had an actual conversation every time we see each other before but.." he paused, he seems to be nervous. Kim Seokjin is nervous? You smiled in amusement which he didn't miss. What if..

"I like you"

Your widened eyes mirrored Seokjin's after you both synced again. But no laugh came after this time.

"No" you said dryly, your expression twisting into disbelief making him wince.

"Y-Y/N–"

"My cousin and your sister made my feelings even more obvious but you don't have to use that just to start a conversation Seokjin" you sighed in disappointment.

"No, that's not it and where is this even coming from?" his voice frantic after noticing your opposite response to his confession.

"No? How could you? How could you even like me when you couldn't even look at me before let alone talking to me" your voice laced in irritation.

"I don't think you noticed it back then" he sighed and closed his eyes. You didn't know what to say because you're very confused right now.

He took your silence as a sign to continue so he took a deep breath and opened his eyes, looking straight into yours.

"You know I've always looked forward to going to parties before, because then I'll get to play with your cousins who I treat as brothers since you know, I don't have one" he looked away and smiled warmly, remembering the fond memories of his childhood.

You wanted him to continue but you have so many questions for him. He waited for them but you don't know what to ask first. Annoyance and confusion battling themselves in your mind.

He nodded slightly, a knowing look on his face and turned his back at you. He needs to explain now before your patience runs out but he couldn’t focus with your pretty face in front of him.

“I wasn’t in a good place back then, my parents were always fighting back home so the only way I’ll get an actual break is when I go with my sisters to your town during gatherings. They’re divorced now though, Dad keeps saying that Mom cheated but I didn’t know who to believe that’s why until now I always leave the house as much as I can” he sounds defeated. You noticed how his broad shoulders slacked against the table and your face softened.

“Jin, I’m sorry I didn’t know” you’re full of guilt now, you should’ve just let him explain before. You’re too consumed with your own feelings that you didn’t even give Seokjin the benefit of the doubt, already assuming everything just because you think you’re the only one looking. Your heart broke at his revelation, how he’s still carrying that experience even today.

“Nah it’s okay, even your cousin didn’t know. Guess I have been really good at hiding it, well at least for everyone outside my family” he playfully responded, trying to lighten up the situation.

You walked closer to Seokjin, aching to hug him to comfort him but you didn’t wanna be too pushy. Just because he said he likes you doesn’t mean you’re allowed to cross boundaries already.

“Jinnie..” you said softly, wanting him to turn around.

“I just don’t go to those parties as my escape place and because of your cousins, I wanted to go because I wanted to see you as well ” you heart’s racing with another confession of his.

You couldn’t help it, so many times you could’ve been together. Maybe if you didn’t leave and paid attention more, it would’ve been different. So you instantly wrapped your arms around his waist and you heard him inhale sharply. shit, is it too much?

But then he released a contented sigh and leaned back into your arms, causing you to relax and smile at his response.

"I'm here Jinnie" you spoke gently.

He removed your arms and turned to face you, his eyes full of longing and affection. You reached for his face with one of your hands and he grabbed the other one, lacing his fingers on yours and brought it to his other cheek.

A tender smile appeared on his very handsome face as he leaned back in the table and you closed the distance between you. You both closed your eyes the moment your lips met, his soft and plump ones molding with your own. He removed his other hand from your fingers, running it down delicately through your arm and you shivered in his touch.

The kiss started off slowly and gently but minutes passed by and you both are starting to feel the neediness for each other. You released your lips from his and you both stared at each other's eyes, inhaling sharply after when his lips started kissing your jaw towards your neck.

You tilt your head on the side to give him more access but his hands grabbed your waist closer to him, situating you between his legs causing your legs to touch his inner thighs and he groaned.

Sensitive part then?

You smirked but it vanished when his hands went down to stroke the back of your thighs underneath your dress, gliding them higher and higher until he reached your bum. You gasped when he grabbed a handful, your hands grasping into his hair as he nipped your collarbones.

You don't really mind if he leaves marks but he's doing it lightly so it won't. Seokjin continued his teasing, purposely doing the same thing over and over again until he felt you getting impatient.

"Seokjin.." you whined softly and pulled his hair, making him moan. He didn't answer you and just smiled against your neck, pecking them lightly before looking back at your cute, scrunched up face.

You couldn't take it anymore and you know he's teasing. Of course, Seokjin won't be Seokjin without it.

He watched in daze as you slowly undressed yourself in front of him. He did not think you'd actually do this with him so he’s thankful, though he still wonders how lucky he is that you accepted his confession.

"Are you sure?" he asked softly and you nodded, clutching his suit.

"Off" you demanded.

He laughed quietly and started removing his clothes slowly.

"Jin I swear–"

You immediately stopped your ramble as soon as you saw his skin into view. Despite the dimmed lighting, you can still clearly see his well-built physique.

He's not muscular like other guys but you don’t really care anyways because it’s Seokjin. Your eyes scanned his face down to his body and you gulped when they reached his very hard member. You looked away now fidgeting but Seokjin just confidently stood up and grabbed your face to kiss you, his thumb caressing your jaw as his kisses turned intense. 

You reciprocated them with fervour, pressing your tongue against his lower lip asking for an entrance which he gladly accepted. Hands desperately roaming at each other’s bodies, you both slowly approached his bed, mouths not stopping at devouring each other until the back of your knees reached the edge.

Seokjin released you, his eyes studying your face, mumbling “gorgeous” before crouching down but you stopped him before his knees reached the floor.

"I want to," he insisted as his palms slid up through your legs, adding the yearning look in his eyes that almost made you say yes. 

"Next time Jinnie" 

"Next time?" he asked softly, scanning your face for any humor in it but you only nodded sheepishly, still shy with this whole thing.

"Mmhmm, I want you inside me now" you pouted, your arousal slowly clouding your shyness. 

"Why are you impatient?" he chuckled, looking at you amusingly, brows wiggling.

"Because the lights might go back on!" you whined.

"So?"

"Jinnie–"

"Are you ready?" Seokjin looked back at you carefully, bringing back your attention to him.

"Mhhmm" you nodded as your nerves increased when he stepped even closer to you with all his naked glory.

Lord thank you for sculpting him like this.

"Words, love" he cooed, laying you both in the mattress, positioning himself after.

"Yes, I'm ready. I have been wanting you for years Jin" you sighed, glad at expressing what you feel for him after keeping them for so long.

And slowly he entered you, making you gasp in pleasure at the feeling when he bottomed out. He's so big and you saw a little smirk appear on his face while letting you adjust. You look so gorgeous like this, staring lovingly into his eyes and he pressed a soft kiss on your forehead, God why did it take him so long..

Jin started moving his hips, slowly grinding himself into you, making his crotch rub into your clit. You gaped at his beautiful sight above you, both of his arms planted on each side of your head and the sweat now forming on his face as his pace is slowly increasing. 

A smile formed on your lips when he groaned at how you keep clenching around him .You ran your palms through his clamp biceps, feeling them up until both of your hands reached his face. Seokjin tilted his head and rubbed his cheeks into your palms, the love swimming in his almond-shaped eyes.

Seokjin masks his emotions so well so you almost teared up at how he's letting you see him with all of them out in the open, right here with you. Your touches roamed down to his chest and he shuddered, his elbows bucking down to the sheets and he latched his mouth into one of your nipples, sucking it slowly. 

You had to hold back your moans because the guests might hear you but Seokjin has other plans. His pace increased its speed and you spread your legs wider, allowing him to hit that spot inside you and you almost scream in delight. 

He silenced your moans by kissing you deeply and you responded to them with equal passion.

"Jinnie.." you whimpered as you feel your orgasm nearing, the feeling of his cock stretching your walls deliciously.

"Hmm? I’m close too, love" he whispered, and the endearment didn’t go unnoticed by you despite the pleasure that’s taking over your mind and your heart soared with love for this man.

"I-I'm here for you..fuck!" you cried when his fingers reached down to your clit, his thumb rubbing the swollen bud even faster than his current pace.

"My solace..I love you Y/N'' he gasped shakily, closing eyes shut when your walls clamped around his cock as you reached your peak. The intense pleasure from your climax didn't allow you to respond to him so you just draped your arms around him, hugging him as your breath came down slowly.

He's very close while he's helping you ride out your orgasm but his breath is quickening so you released him and he pulled out just in time, spurts of his cum hitting the mound of your pussy, so much of it that it dribbled down to your sensitive folds. 

All of a sudden, everything was bright and you covered your eyes, shying away from the brightness and Seokjin giggled.

"You're so cute" he smiled warmly at you and you squirm as you feel his cum dripping into the sheets. 

An amused smile loomed his disheveled face as he stood up to get his shirt, climbing back to the bed to clean you up and you beamed. You're really in this deep.

"I love you too Jinnie" you whispered, smiling at him affectionately and he waved you to come closer to him.You put your head on his chest, nuzzling into him while his arms caressed you.

He hummed and silence ruled over you for a while, you're just very happy right now. You still couldn't believe that your childhood crush is your..wait, is he your boyfriend now then?

"You know, your cousin's been teasing me about you since the first time we met" he blurted and you gasped dramatically as you got up, causing him to laugh at your exaggerated reply.

"Really? Gods he does the same to me!" you huffed and Jin just giggled, staring at you fondly.

"I was also gonna offer to teach you some piano stuff secretly before" he confessed meekly, catching you in surprise.

"How did you know? Oh wait, Jaekyung" you scowled, playfully rolling your eyes at him.

“I have another question” you eyed him warily.

He hummed while affectionately touching the side of your back, lightly grabbing your bum.

“Why did you turn down his invite?” 

He laughed hard, hands clamping on his stomach and you elbowed him, your eyebrows scrunching.

“It’s because I wanted to ask you in person, you know an excuse to start talking to you” he giddily responded and you grinned, he finally sounded happy this time.

Seconds later, you noticed his demeanour slowly changing into hesitation, his face contorting into nervousness and eyes refusing to meet yours when you looked at him questioningly. 

"Are-are you only visiting?" he asked quietly, unsure if he wants to know your answer. These years without you made his life dull and he doesn't know if he can handle you leaving after what just happened between you both.

"I don't know, am I?" you teased, fingers running circles on his chest and Seokjin immediately caught on to what you wanted to hear.

"You are not or I will go with you anywhere, girlfriend" he grinned, cocking his head playfully and leaned up, pecking your lips softly.

"Then no, someone just changed my reason to stay" you laughed heartily and instantly moved away when he was about to cage you, his intentions clear with the mischief in his eyes.

“Nope, in my room this time” you winked at him and got up immediately, grabbing on one of his oversized shirts and left him chuckling between the sheets.

This is gonna be a long vacation and you couldn't ask for more.

Prompts:

(5) There is a blackout in the whole building and now we stumble through our apartment, trying to find some candles

(18) At a luxury retreat, Socialite B overhears the most beautiful song and spends the rest of their vacation trying to figure who played that instrument (the writer can choose anything) until they discover it’s their first love - Person A.

tagging Jin stans: @sugasbabiie​ @jinned @erotikkook​ @aroseforyoongi​ @missgeniality​ @kithtaehyung​

©  ressjeon 2021. do not repost, modify, or translate.

[yespleasetommyshelby]

Should've just asked - Part 2 - Oscar Diaz

One week, seven days, 168 hours, 10080 minutes, 604800 seconds, since he fucked everything up with y/n. Threw it all away because his own insecurities got the better off him, all because he didn't just ask.

He hadn't seen sad eyes since that day either, leaving him alone to stew in his own bubble of self pity. He hadn't left his home since that day, instead opting to send Cesar to the store when something was needed or delegating his Santo's jobs to other members. The bags that y/n and Sad eyes had left behind in the mall sitting against the wall opposite him, mocking him with their bright colours and smiling logos, he'd looked through them as soon as he'd gotten home, each one filled with balloons, banners, anything you would need to through a birthday, even a badge that read 'birthday king' in big bold letters.

Today was his birthday, his 26th, a day where he should've been out in the yard celebrating with one of his famous Santo's parties with the love of his life by his side but instead he was sat in an empty house, bar his younger brother, wallowing in a pit of self pity.

"You still sulking?" Cesar asked as he watched his brother stare at the blank space by his feet, interrupting his pity party.

"Fuck off." He muttered, reaching for the half smoked joint that had been abandoned in the ashtray an hour ago.

"It's been a week Oscar, you can't sit around moping all the time, yeah you fucked up, I get it, but sitting here isn't helping anything." Cesar sighed, this past week he'd seen a side of his older brother that he couldn't remember seeing before, sad and bitchy Spooky was not a pretty sight.

"You don't get shit." Oscar sighed as he lit his joint, breathing in the smoke before exhaling slowly. "I fucked up the best thing to ever happen to me, to us, I lost mi amor Cesar." He mumbled, his eyes filling with tears that he rapidly tried to blink back.

"I know, I know I've never had anything like what you and y/n have, how about we go to the mall? I need some new trainers for school." Cesar asked, watching Oscars face carefully.

"Can't you take your little groupie with you?" Oscar muttered, stubbing out his joint in the ashtray before leaning back and covering his eyes with his arm.

"Please Oscar, it'll help get your mind of shit." Cesar tried again, desperate to get Oscar out of the house and the hole he was currently wallowing in.

"Fine." He sighed, pulling himself up and heading towards the door, missing Cesar pull out his phone and send a quick text.

He's out.

-------

Just down the street y/n grinned as her phone dinged, the text she'd been waiting for finally coming through.

"Hey Sad eyes!" She called into the spare room where he had been staying for the last week, opting to stay and comfort the upset girl rather than spending nights in his own bed.

"What's up?" He asked as he opened the door, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Were you seriously sleeping at 2 in the afternoon?" She asked with an amused smile. "Anyway, Cesar's managed to get Oscar out the house so I'm heading over there now, you coming?" She asked with a smile, excited yet nervous at the thought of seeing Oscar again.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming, just give me two minutes." The man grumbled before going back into the room.

Yes, y/n was still pissed about how Oscar had acted a week ago, calling her out for being a cheat in the middle of the mall after doing nothing more than planning his birthday. But at the same time the last week had been hell, she'd received multiple texts and missed calls from Oscar, all apologising for that day, for making a fool out of all three of them. No matter how badly he had embarrassed her that day he was still the only thing in her heart, the love of her life and she was determined not to throw it all away, they had fixed every other problem that had arose in their relationship and they was going to fix this too. Which is why her and Sad eyes were currently on their way to the Diaz household, ready to throw him the most surprising surprise party there ever was.

"Alright, you start to put the food out and I'll get started with the decorations." Y/n smiled as she went over to the bags sat against the wall, the same ones that her and Sad eyes had gotten at the mall. "I'm surprised he didn't throw this out." She mused, digging through the bags to find the balloons.

"I've told you, the guys borderline obsessed with you." Sad eyes laughed from the kitchen.

An hour later and everything was set up, banners covered the walls, balloons floated through the house and yard alike while the food and drinks tables looked immaculate, thanks to Ruby's help.

Everything was in full swing, music blasting, drinks in people's hands as she received yet another text that she was waiting for.

2 minutes out.

"Alright! Everyone be quiet, he's just coming!" Y/n yelled, the music being cut and the loud laughter turning to hushed murmurs as her nerves grew knowing Oscar was just about to walk through the doors.

The loud slamming of the front door caught everyone's attention as they stood anxiously waiting for the Santos leader, the faint 'what the fuck is this?' Making her chuckle only being able to imagine how confused Oscar must have looked right then.

"Surprise!" Everyone cheered as Oscar and Cesar appeared at the back door, Cesar sporting a grin as Oscars wide eyes roamed the crowd before landing on y/n.

"You did this?" He asked quietly, not yet making a move as his mind tried to decide whether this was real, if she really was stood right in front of him.

"Well." She smiled bashfully. "I had some help." She shrugged as Sad Eyes came from round the corner with two coronas in his hands.

"Happy birthday Spooky." He smiled, holding a bottle out for Oscar to take, smiling and clinking their bottles together once Oscar took one.

"Aye, listen man, I'm, uh, I'm sorry about hitting you, the other day." Oscar sighed, feeling weird having to apologise for punching someone who was basically his brother.

"No worries Spook." Sad eyes chuckled patting his brother on the shoulder. "Now go get your girl." He smirked, nodding towards y/n who was stood a few feet away talking to Cesar and Jamal.

"Hey, uh, can we talk?" Oscar asked walking up to her and rubbing the back of his neck from the nerves.

"Yeah, sure." She smiled, feeling her heart beating through her chest as she looked up into his eyes.

They were both stood staring at each other before Cesar clearing his throat pulled them out of whatever trance they were in.

"Hey Jamal how about we go find Ruby?" Cesar asked, raising his eyebrows at Jamal who just didn't seem to get the hint.

"What? Why? We see him all the time." The young boy shrugged, oblivious to the scowls he was receiving from the Diaz brothers and the amused look from y/n.

"Beat it." Oscar deadpanned, smirking as Jamal quickly turned and walked away leaving Cesar to follow with a chuckle.

"Was there any need for that?" Y/n giggled as she turned back to Oscar, looking up at him with an amused glint in her eye.

"Kid doesn't know when to take a hint." Oscar shrugged, not seeing the issue in how he spoke to Jamal in the slightest.

"Yeah well, he is Jamal." Y/n shrugged with a laugh. "Anyway, what was it you wanted to say?" She asked remembering why the Santo had come to her in the first place.

"I uh, I just wanted to say I'm sorry, ya know, for blowing up on you the other day, I know how stupid I was being and I called you out for bullshit you didn't even do." Oscar sighed, his hand that wasn't holding his beer clenching and unclenching at his side as he tried to find the right words. "Just uh, just the thought that you were out with some other cabrón made me see red, I didn't even think to ask, I just wanted to punch whoever it was in the face." He spoke quietly, y/n only just hearing him over the music that had started up again.

"Oscar, you're right, it was stupid." She snorted making Oscars heart drop his eyes going straight to the floor, it was too late. "But." She started, making his eyes flick back up to her immediately. "But I love you Oscar Diaz, I love you so fucking much that this last week has been killing me. I don't know what to do when I'm not with you Oscar, and I don't ever want to have to do that again." She sighed, a lone tear a sliding down her cheek which he quickly reached up to wipe away.

"I love you too mi amor, I know I get jealous and over protective but that's only because I don't want any one taking you away from me, not now, not ever." He mumbled shaking his head slightly before putting his bottle down on the nearest table.

"I know, baby, I know." Y/n smiled, reaching up taking his face in her hands, thumbs rubbing along his jawline gently. "You know if the roles were reversed I would've done much more to any hyna I thought was coming for you." She giggled, already having thrown hands with one before.

"Trust me, I remember, that shit was hot." Oscar chuckled, wrapping his arms around her waist as hers slid from his face to going around his neck, opting to rub the bottom of his neck rather than jaw line.

"Now what?" Y/n asked, her eyes flickering between his.

"What do you want?" Oscar asked quietly, not wanting to push her into anything that she didn't want.

"What do I want? I want you Oscar Diaz, I want you everyday for the rest of my life, jealousy and temper included." She laughed as he rolled his eyes sarcastically.

"Good." Oscar smirked down at her. "Because I ain't never letting you go." He whispered, pulling her towards him, leaning down and planting his lips on hers for the first time in a week.

"I love you Oscar." She mumbled happily, resting her head on his chest as his arms wrapped around her back.

"I love you too mi amor." He smiled, placing a kiss on her forehead and squeezing her tight.

"Also, watching you punch sad eyes in the face really turned me on." She mumbled with a laugh as she felt Oscar tense slightly.

"Is that right?" He chuckled, looking down at her. "Well it's been a week, we best take care of that." He laughed before pulling away and lifting her over his shoulder before heading into the house landing a swift smack to her backside.

"Woo! Spookys gunna get some!" Was heard as he carried her through to the bedroom, both of them laughing as he threw her onto the bed.

"You're so perfect mi Reina." Oscar whispered leaning over her as he stroked a few stray hairs out of her face.

"If anyone's perfect here it's you." Y/n smiled letting her eyes wonder his beautiful features. "Just promise me something." She mumbled after placing a quick peck to his lips.

"Anything." He answered immediately, ready to give anything and everything to make her happy.

"Next time, just ask." She giggled as he rolled his eyes.

"Putá." He mumbled as he leaned down for a slow kiss.

"But you love me anyway." She whispered.

"Always mi amor."

One week without seeing each other.

Seven days without so much as a smile.

168 hours without a kiss.

10080 minutes without an 'I love you'.

604800 seconds without each other.

One surprise party to fix it all.