#yes I’m insecure about my art what’s new

[shwbyy]

“Humans hurt me too. I don’t need to be an omnic to know pain.”

I freaking suck at lighting and shading, but this was a fun challenge for me as an artist. 😭

Enjoy some Circe lore! Those nodes look unique, hmm….

Take a guess where this took place.

[navybrat817]

Would ceo Bucky and his girl attend the met gala? If so, any ideas on dresses perhaps!

They would, nonnie! As far as the dress, it would depend on the theme. Are we talking recent theme, a past theme, or a made up general theme?

Goes With the Theme

Pairing: CEO!Bucky Barnes x Female Reader Summary: Bucky thinks his suit goes with a gala theme. You slightly disagree. Word Count: Over 1.2k Warnings: Established relationship, banter, flirting, implied sex, implied breeding, brief mention of past insecurities and bad ex, slight feels (it's me), Bucky Barnes (he's a warning, okay?) and he worships you. A/N: I blame @whisperlullaby and @targaryenvampireslayer. Before our couple has Cupcake and Bean. ❤️ Not beta read and written on my phone, so any and all mistakes are my own. Please follow @navybrat817-sideblog for new fics and notifications. Comments, reblogs, feedback are loved and appreciated!

Bucky refused to tell you in advance what he was wearing to the upcoming gala. He said something about him wanting to surprise you. Of course, he knew exactly what you were wearing since he wanted the designer to make you a gown fit for a queen. He would’ve thrown in a tiara if you asked. It was too much, really.

But if you asked Bucky, nothing was too much for you.

The amount of money spent was just about worth it when he exited the bathroom and looked ready to drop to his knees when you spotted you in your dress. The colors suited you. The fit was like a glove. It was a work of art, really.

“Fuck,” Bucky whispered, his eyes turning a darker shade of blue as you carefully twirled. It was exactly the reaction you wanted. “How exactly am I supposed to keep my hands off you tonight? A man can only take so much.”

“Because a lot went into this dress and you’re not allowed to tear apart,” you smiled before you took in his appearance.

Bucky Barnes turned head wherever he went and the head to toe black ensemble would be no exception. The slicked back hair was a good look on him and there was no denying that your man knew how to accessorize. He also wore enough custom suits for you to know what did and didn’t suit him. He would never fail to make you stop in your tracks from a single stare.

The man never missed a thing though, regarding you carefully as you stared. “You don’t like what I’m wearing,” he stated.

“No, I love it,” you assured him. And you did. You didn’t want him to think otherwise since the man could turn a paper bag into a thing of art and beauty if he chose to. “It’s just…”

“Just what?” He asked, holding his jacket open so you could get a glimpse of the shirt beneath molded to his torso. “I think I look good.”

You blinked and took a breath so you could answer him. Why did he have to be so distracting? “Not like you need the ego boost, but yes. You do look good,” you said. His smirk almost made you lose your breath again. “But does it really go with the theme?”

“What?” He shrugged. “Isn’t the theme ‘floral’?”

“It is and flowers are usually bright,” you pointed out. “You couldn't have gone with a floral jacket?”

“This is my interpretation of the theme.” He pointed to one of the black flowers. “Besides, this is a flower and it’s on my jacket. Therefore, it's a floral jacket.”

You tried not to smile. It was tough to argue with that logic. “Okay. Yes. There are flowers on your jacket, but-”

He cut you off with a smug smile. “So, I'm right.”

And wasn’t it just like a CEO to argue like this? And wasn’t it just like you to enjoy it? “You’re utterly ridiculous,” you giggled, gesturing to yourself. “Not to mention, I'm pretty much wearing the opposite of you!”

“And people will still know we’re together, Mrs. Barnes,” he winked. You loved being his wife. “Do you know why I wore this?”

“Enlighten me.”

“Because a black suit? Any man can wear one. I’ll blend in with the crowd. But you in your gown? All eyes will be on you, as they should be,” he explained, your cheeks hot as he swept his gaze over you. “And I know I won’t take my eyes off you for a second tonight.”

“Oh,” you breathed, clearing your throat at the unexpected tears that clogged it. Your ex tried to make you feel bad about your body when all Bucky wanted to do was celebrate and worship it. More than that, he saw your beauty beneath the surface. “Thank you.”

Though you wanted to argue that Bucky wouldn’t blend in with the crowd. It wasn’t possible. He was too striking for that with his blue eyes and jawline. Too dominant with his large body. And too well known.

He didn’t care about that kind of attention. He was the kind of man who wanted to show you off. Not as a prize or because you were his, but because he loved you.

His eyes softened before they went dark again. “Fuck, you are so beautiful. A goddess,” he said, his voice rough as he stepped toward you. “We may not even make the gala.”

As much as his compliment warmed your heart, boosted your confidence, and dampened your panties, you shook your head. “Oh, no. Don't you even think about it. Do you know how long it took me to get into this dress? That doesn’t include perfecting my makeup. We are going.”

You nearly lost your nerve when he groaned and took another step toward you. That sound was one of your favorites, especially when it was your mouth, hand, or pussy drawing it out of him. “Cupcake, you’re always a vision. You don’t need a fancy dress or a stitch of makeup to be beautiful,” he said, licking his lips. “And you don’t need to wear a stitch of clothing right now either.”

“No.” You firmly pointed a finger at him. You were lucky he didn’t grab your wrist to kiss it. “You promised we'd make an appearance and the last thing you need to do is tell people we didn't show because you couldn't keep it in your pants for a few hours.”

The kicked puppy dog expression was one you had seen on Steve Rogers before, but it was adorable on Bucky. You held your chin high because you’d fall into his arms if you didn’t. “Fine,” he conceded, gripping your chin with infinite care. “But I make no promises that I'll behave in the limo on the way home.”

You’d enjoy your small victory over your handsome CEO and husband for the time being because he’d make you pay for it in the best way later. “Yes, Boss.”

“My perfect wife,” he whispered, delicately moving his hand along the column of your throat. Did he feel how fast your heart beat? “I may just have to knock you up before the night’s over, Mrs. Barnes.”

Your womb clenched at his words, imagining the filthy things he’d grunt in your ear as he bred you. It was almost enough to make you skip the gala, but why not build up the anticipation? “I’ll be disappointed if you don’t, Mr. Barnes,” you said, moving close enough for your lips to touch his.

The breath that rushed out of his lungs was like a kiss, teasing what would come before the night was over. “Don’t tease me, Cupcake.”

“Who said I was teasing you, Boss?” You murmured, pulling back before he could kiss you properly. “Time to go.”

He swore under his breath as he adjusted his pants. You were the only one who could get under his skin. “I’ll knock you up in the limo. Don’t test me.”

Your smile widened. What Bucky didn’t know was that underneath your dress was one of his favorite lacy floral numbers. A surprise and reward for him going to the gala. It would make him fall a little bit more in love with you once he undressed you.

Plus, it went with the theme.

“Looking forward to it.”

Another out of order AU. I'm so sorry, lovelies. And sorry to the nonnie for not fully answering the question! Love and thanks for reading! ❤️

Masterlist ⚓ Bucky Barnes Masterlist ⚓ Ko-Fi

[blippymilk]

Brozone (+ Poppy & Viva) x Touch Starved Fem! Reader

Ok the request is that the reader is a touch starved, easily flustered, insecure yet passionate female. Her hair can change based on how she’s feeling. She likes to rant and info dump a lot. She likes drawing herself and her loved ones, and gives small gifts as a form of affection or to make them feel better. There will be a friend and s/o version.

(I’m also really sorry if this is not to the liking of the request, I kind of struggled while making this 😭)

John Dory:

Friend:

- As your friend he’s a little concerned for you

- Like he knows your fine but sometime he worries 😭

- But nothing JD can’t handle

- Genuinely enjoys your little gifts but he never makes it obvious at first

“Hey JD look I made you a little gift.” :)

“Oh that’s sweet. Can you put it on my desk? I’ll look at it later.”

- One day him and his brothers were rough housing around while you Poppy, and Viva stood by cheering them on. Bruce gets a little too rough with him and knocks something out of his jacket, it was your gift

- This man stops everything

- Like everything

- Like everyone’s frozen in place no matter what stance they’re in

- And picks it up and places it gently back in the pockets inside his jacket then lectures the boys about how he could’ve gotten his belongings crushed 😭

S/O:

- Still worries about you even after being together

- Sometimes the way your emotions change with your hair startles him

- And that’s mostly because your emotions can change rapidly

- But he also finds it really funny

- So prepare for his scare attacks

- Your hair gets so spiky, and you get so mad

“Oh come on I was only playing around babe. Tell you what, I’ll find a better way to mess with your hair.”

- And he did, which was by flustering you with comments that boost your confidence

- Your face turns red and your hair poofs up then falls around your head

- You’re always muttering a lot just like Viva and Poppy and JD finds it hilarious that him, Branch, and Clay are in the same boat (not saying Clay and Viva are not dating jus to clarify 😭)

Floyd:

Friend:

- Loves having a friend that’s the complete opposite of him

- He’ll listen to you rant all day

- With feedback on every question and statement

- Also finds your hair amusing but won’t abuse it’s power on purpose like John 😭

- Shocked by your passion to draw

“Is that me and you?”

“You know it.”

“I love it.” 🥹

S/O:

- Absolutely head over heels for you

- Still would be into listening to you rant but he’s helping you calm down a bit more

- Now your drawings had a more romantic reference behind them and he loved them even more

- No matter where he goes he always has one of your pictures on him

- He carries it around and values it like cash

- And absolutely none of his (little) brothers are getting their hands on it (yes he’s aware that they’re all adults now)

Spruce Bruce

Friend:

- He’s an expert on hair so he’s not too shocked or anything

- I mean look at that fluff on his head

- Seeing as Bruce could handle so many kids in the movie I believe he could deal with a ranting partner just fine

- He knows how to avoid frustration with you

S/O:

- Finds everything you do cute (c’mon it’s Bruce)

- He loves your arts & crafts

- Probably more than you

- Just like John he likes to you see you flustered with that big frizz on your head

- Your hair is constantly poofy because this man never stopsssss

“Hey (____) did it hurt when you fell?”

“Huh?”

“When you fell. From heaven?”

“Bruce you’re litteraly gonna kill me and my hair…”

- Definitely helps you get the knots out afterward 😭

Clay:

Friends:

- He hangs around Viva so the rambling is nothing new to him

- Always tries to hide you from Viva because he knows you two would be a unstoppable force ( plus poppyyyyy?!?)

- Hates when you feel insecure in any kind of way possible

- So just like you leave him little sketches, he leaves little notes of affirmations for you to read

- And makes you read them

- Outloud

“I am so pretty, beautiful, smart, talente- Clay do I have to keep-”

“Keep going.”

“Ok but-”

- Extremely intense eye contact

sighhhhhhhh “I am talented, I am kind, I am loyal…”

S/O:

- One of the most respectful boyfriends in the world

- Eventually gives in and let’s you and Viva mingle (possibly a bad descion!!??)

- Astonished by what your hair is capable of (can’t show his excitement tho cause he’s not a fun boy anymore right?)

- He is a words of affection (and physical touch sjejkemsjks) kinda guy so as your boyfriend he’s all you could ask for

- So now your attached to this man like glue and it’s kind of his fault

- Has to pry you off sometime but he will never stop loving you the same

“I love youuuuuu.”

“I love youuuuuu too.”

Branch:

Friend:

- Just like Clay he’s friends with Poppy so he’s used to the talking behavior (no Boppy in thissss 😔)

- You guys didn’t exactly hit it off at first either

- You met him during his “no color” era so that makes most of the sense

- ntgl when he first finds out about your hair he’s thrown off

- And the other trolls had so much fun with it that he considered you a distraction from the bergens soooo he wasn’t too fond of you

- And it takes a while but eventually you both become inseparable

“You hated me for no reason, and now I’m your favorite.”

“Yeah yeah.”

S/O:

- He’s growing as in character development

- So now instead of getting upset he uses your hair to read you

- He never really knows when he’s doing anything right or wrong as far as the relationship so he depends on your hair to know which path to take

- Your info dumping soothes him, wether he likes it or not

- He plays it off subtly but he knows how to fluster you and he takes pride in that (*AHEM* SINGING)

Poppy:

Friend:

- Doesn’t even realize that you’re rambling cause she’s doing it too

- You both are a special duo that at one point drove Branch up a tree (no pun intended)

- As much as the trolls like you, they don’t realize how actually dangerous you two could be together 😭

- And you can imagine the fear on Branch’s face when he finds out Viva and Poppy are sisters

S/O:

- Everyone knows Poppy is a scrapbooking master so when she begins to receive little arts and crafts from you she’s in love

- Like she’s bouncing off the wall excited

- Literally (it’s Poppy)

- She’s superrr touchy-feely so your living your best life

- Your hair is so fun and amusing to her

- Like JD she might try to scare you a couple times to see your hair spike up for fun but cuddles you after

“I’m sorry sweetieeee you know I can’t help it. Your hair is just so fun!”

“Poppyyyy you say that everytimeeee!”

Viva:

Friends:

- Basically Poppy’s doppelgänger so what can you expect?!

- Always rambling but somehow always manages to do it more than you

- She might just be you plus Poppy times five

- Clay tried to help you hide your hair for the sake of you and Viva

- Unfortunately she popped up out of nowhere startling you both and causing your hair to go erratic

“So so sorry guys I didn’t mean to…OMG YOUR HAIR!”

S/O:

- Everything you could ask for from a girlfriend

- Like she literally could not have given you anymore

- She loves your art works

- She loves to hear you talk and join in with you

- She loves the touchy-feely type

- She literally can’t find a single flaw in you whatsoever

[taintedcigs]

eddie w tattoo artist reader..... trying SO hard to seem like he's not dying from pain while she tattoos his chest, bc he's trying to impress her. she's the coolest girl he's ever seen and the fact that her art is on him forever makes him so giddy and happy, almost as happy as getting her number

call me if you need a groupie — e.m.

yes yes yes yes yes. a thousand times yes to this. thank u for this request omg i looooove lovesick cutie eddie soooooo much. this was meant to be a blurb but now its a 2.8k+ fic oops. idk if there were exclusive shirts ok i tried to do my research but this is the best i could get and idk how tattoo processes are so take everything i wrote w a grain of salt !! not proofread as always so ignore any mistakes and also idk why but i looved writing for this dynamic and if anyone would be interested i could write a pt.2 for some smut !! (maybe sub!eddie or switch!eddie? 👀)

pairing: eddie munson x fem!tattoo artist!reader (wc: 2.8k+)

warnings: MINORS DNI w any of my works!!. just pure fluff!! maybe the teeniest tiniest angst, eddie is kinda insecure <3, eddie is a lovesick cutie honey pie !! and swearing? oh also tattooing ofc (needles n stuff)

He doesn't mean to flinch, he doesn't mean to show you how stressed he is, but you can sense it.

Each time the needle presses against his skin, he hisses, mouth biting onto his lips, harsh enough to draw blood.

But Eddie doesn’t care, you—the hottest and coolest girl—that has ever graced the hellhole that was Hawkins was tattooing him, and Eddie couldn’t afford to look like a coward.

So with everything in him, he shut his lips, biting on them, becoming accustomed to the metallic taste because it didn’t matter, not when you looked so fucking pretty when cooing him and your free hand squeezed his biceps for reassurance.

He didn’t know what to admire first, the way your lips quirked sweetly when you answered his dumb questions, the way you looked so focused with your lip between your teeth, trying to tattoo him, or the fact that you were wearing an Anthrax shirt, and not just any regular Anthrax shirt that you could find at those regular shops, it was an exclusive shirt that was only sold at the concerts, and he had to gulp physically at that.

You were a tattoo artist… and a metal fan? How perfect could you get?

Before his questions were answered, the needle pricked at his skin again, he cursed out, and instead of screaming in his mind, he whimpered out loud this time.

Your head perked up quickly and Eddie was now cursing himself, for being a fucking idiot, for looking like a coward in front of you.

“I can slow down if you want to,” You said with a smile, a sweet smile that adorned your perfectly red lips, they looked so fucking kissable.

“N–no!” He stuttered, but you gave him a huff. “C’mon Eds, you’re doing good… better than anyone I’ve ever tattooed has, we can slow down a bit.” You reassured.

His eyes lit up like a child, Eds? His new acquired nickname rolled off your tongue so sweetly, your words dripped in honey. And Eddie decided he would do anything to hear you call him that again.

Not only did you call him Eds, but you also said he was better than the others, and the childish grin on Eddie’s lips was quick to grow again, his entire body relaxing as he almost melted into you.

“You think so?” He asked, tone giddy and all sweet, causing a pretty giggle to escape your lips.

“I know so!” You hummed. “Tattooed a guy yesterday. He was tall. Like really fucking tall, and he had this long beard and tattoos everywhere!” You exaggerated, watching Eddie’s eyes widen. “He cried like a baby the second that needle prickled his skin!”

“And look at you, taking everything I’m giving you like a champ,” You winked.

If only you knew the affect you had on him, Eddie’s entire face grew red at that, he would, without hesitation take anything you gave him.

He tried, so fucking hard not to think about it, but now his mind was filled with the images of you, sitting on his faze, your pretty cunt glistening as he lapped away at your juices.

He imagined those pretty manicured fingers discarding his hair, ruffling while those pretty little lips were hung open, chanting his name. Your whines and whimpers would fill the room as he begged for you to cum in his mouth. He wouldn’t stop until you smothered him.

Until all he could taste was you.

He shook his head to clear his thoughts, because the blood was quick to rush to his cock, and he didn’t want to have his bulge hardening against his tight pants anymore than he needed to, you were inches away from him and he wanted to seem cool–so fucking badly.

“Really?” He asked, and you nodded swiftly. “So brave for me.” You coo, lips lightly brushing against his cheek, as you plant a little kiss.

And Eddie was sure this was heaven now, he blinked quickly to make sure he wasn't dreaming, the light kiss you left on his cheeks lingered, and he could feel it burn.

His cheeks were purely crimson red now, he couldn't fucking help it. He ached for you, ached to have you close to him, ached to feel your touch, and everything you did was enough to drive him crazy, make him feel out of his fucking mind.

He was putty in your hands and you had no fucking idea.

His mouth stood agape, a dumbfounded look overtaking his features for too fucking long until the soft buzz of the machine brought him back again, the needle quick to puncture the skin's surface again, causing Eddie to squeeze his eyes shut as he tried his best not to fucking scream.

Be cool, be cool, be fucking cool Edward Munson.

He repeated it like a mantra in his head, and he was glad you were focusing on tattooing the cute sketch you made for him, and not his actual face that probably looked straight out of a horror movie.

“So—uh... c—cool shirt,” Eddie muttered, voice so low that he was surprised when you hummed back at him.

“Oh, yeah,” You muttered.

“You listen to Anthrax?” You asked with a beaming smile, gaze still focused on Eddie's arm.

Eddie huffed painfully but realized quickly that the nervousness of talking to you was overpowering the pain of the tattoo gun drilling into his skin.

“Are you kidding? Anthrax, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath... Megadeth! You name it I probably listen to it,” He hummed, and your eyes glimmered, causing Eddie's breath to hitch and his wavering nervousness to appear again. “Metal is my jam, baby!” He exclaimed, not too loud to disturb your tattooing process but loud enough to cause a giggle out of you.

Metal is my jam? Baby? Who the fuck says that?

Eddie was afraid to look into your eyes now, afraid to see the gaze everyone gives him.

Like he's an outsider like he's a freak.

But when he hears that pretty giggle of yours again, comfort takes over him, nervousness dissipating quickly when he sees the gentle look you give him.

Almost as if to let him know that you also love those bands. Almost as if to let him know that he wasn't an outsider because you were just like him.

“Dio?” You asked with a curious gaze, face beaming up when Eddie nodded furiously.

“Fuckin' love Dio,” He muttered, barely realizing the needle on his skin now, all thanks to you.

“Uhh—how did you even get that shirt?” Eddie asked, almost shyly, admiring the way you were neatly tattooing him.

“I wanted to go to that concert so badly but the tickets were sold out so quickly.” He added.

“Oh! I was Belladonna's groupie,” You muttered mindlessly, the pain as you prickled the needle was an afterthought to Eddie now, almost forgetting how to breathe, he coughed, quite loudly, causing you to look up at him and see the bewildered look on his face.

You stopped the machine when you chuckled lightly, "Oh, Eds!"

There it was, that nickname again, god you were dizzying his mind.

“I was just joking,” You smiled at him, and he wanted to melt, right then and there. "Needed to go a little bit deeper so I thought I'd distract you," You shrugged, and Eddie returned the smile.

He liked the feeling of having someone care about him, he liked talking to you, and he sure as hell enjoyed being with someone so similar to him—someone so fucking cool.

“Though I did go to that concert in 1987.” You could feel Eddie’s curious gaze on you

“My friend knew their manager,” You murmured again.

"Really?!? How was it?" He asked, face beaming again.

“So fucking cool.” You gushed as you started talking about their set list, how the first punch you ever threw was at that concert, and you enthusiastically animated Donais' guitar riff, earning a hearty chuckle from Eddie. He loved every bit of your story, listening attentively as your exaggerations enticed him more and more.

The longer you tattooed him, the more comfortable Eddie got, pain was no longer his main concern when all he wanted to do was make you laugh, hear that sweet giggle escaping from your lips, admire the way your eyes crinkle when you smile at him so sugary.

Minutes stretched into hours as you focused on his tattoo, each pass of the needle causing a smile on your face as the sketch you made became more intricate and alluring on his bare skin.

“All done!” You exclaimed with a smile when you finally finished tattooing him, a sigh of relief escaping your lips when the buzz of the machine was finally replaced with silence.

You couldn't help but trace every part of his face now, you wanted to see if he liked it, anxiety bubbling up in your stomach as you couldn't read Eddie's expressions.

“Oh my god,” Was all that left Eddie's lips, and your lips almost started to tremble.

Jesus fucking Christ, how bad did you fuck up?

“Oh my fucking god,” He repeated again, this time his head tilted upward to your direction, almost snapping as you looked at him with scared eyes.

But your gaze eased the second you saw the admiration in Eddie's gaze. “This is a fucking masterpiece!” He beamed, causing a smile on your lips, so fucking big and pretty that he wished he could have that tattooed instead.

“It's fucking perfect,” He muttered again, shaking his head in disbelief when he looked at the tattoo on his forearm.

“I mean when I saw that sketch, I knew you were good to , but holy shit,” He praised again, causing heat to grow in your cheeks, he had no idea how much it meant to you, to have someone appreciating your art, to have people walk around in the sketches you did, indelible on their skin. It felt so fucking good.

“It's...perfect.”

“Really?”

“Of fucking course,” He gushed. “You're so fuckin' talented it's crazy,” He muttered, fingertips gentle as they avoided glazing through the tattoo, but around it.

You were so fucking perfect it was killing him, and he couldn't help the giddy feeling inside of him knowing that your art would be etched into his skin, forever.

You couldn't shake off the thoughts in your head, swirling when Eddie uttered those compliments to you.

Your cheeks grew hot so quickly that you felt the need to turn around, trying to think of something to say to him so that you wouldn't look like a fucking idiot.

Eddie turned around to face you, the smile that brought out his dimples apparent in his face as he watched you scrabble something on a business card.

“Thank you,” You muttered when you turned around, hands almost shaking as you extended your arm to give Eddie the card.

He scrambled it into his back pocket, not caring when you were this close to him, but you frowned at that. “No, thank you, for this masterpiece” He winked, pointing toward his forearm.

He didn't even know where he got the confidence to even be able to wink at you, and his coolness wore off the second he exited the shop, a silent shrieking scream exited his mouth as he freaked out.

Your sketch. On his arm.

You. Tattoo artist. Metal fan.

You, kissing him on the cheek, talking to him for hours, laughing at his idiotic jokes.

You.

Eddie was sure he lost his mind, hands shaking as he reached for the card in his back pocket.

The card was black and the title on it was dripping with blood. He whined.

How much cooler were you going to get?

He gulped when he looked back, seeing you toward the clear glass door, and he knew.

He knew that if he didn't do it now, he could never do it, this was his only fucking chance, and he couldn't be a coward, not now, not when you were this close to him.

Eddie entered back into the shop in a frenzy, causing your head to pop up swiftly as you looked at him dumbfounded.

God, you were so gorgeous he could feel his heart skip a beat.

“C—can I ask you something?” He cleared his throat to not appear nervous, and you nodded, furiously.

“Look, I know this is weird and all... but... uhm, I really feel like we connected,” He muttered, fingers tapping against the glass counter that you were standing behind in.

“And I thought maybe... uhhh... I could like—get your number or somethin'?” He uttered anxiously, tilting his head slightly to the side, and you couldn't help the giggle that escaped your lips.

And even though why you laughed was reasonable, it was the worst fucking thing you could have done to Eddie.

Especially when your laugh seemed so mocking, almost different than the ones you gave him earlier before. Jogging deep into this memory of the countless times when Eddie tried to pluck up the courage to ask girls in his class out, only to be laughed in his face, or to have them insult him.

But this was more than that, it pained him.

It pained him to think that you thought of him like the others did. Like you saw him as an outsider, too.

His bubble of confidence that was already wavering was even quicker to fizzle out, he could feel that familiar lump in his throat, shoulders slumping as his gaze was quick to show his emotions.

He was hurt. And he was sure this hurt much more than a thousand needles breaking the barriers of his skin, “Uhhh,” He gave you a bitter chuckle. “Just.... never mind” He added, defeatedly turning back around to exit the shop once again as he ignored you calling out for him.

“Wait!” You yelled out after him, but Eddie started walking faster.

“Shit shit shit!” You cursed yourself for your little joke.

“Eds, please!” You called out again, this time effective enough to make Eddie stop in his tracks.

Eds. Oh you knew how to get him hooked, how to get him right where you wanted him.

And he hated himself for being this weak for you, someone he met, just recently.

“What?” He answered coldly, glaring at you with bitterness that made you want to hide out, that gentle soul in him disappearing in mere seconds.

And you sighed, hating that he could ever see you as someone that would make fun of him.

“Flip the card,” Your gaze on him was intense, cheeks growing hot again knowing that you were going to see his reaction to your stupid note.

“I don't have time for your bullshit” He spat, almost on his feet to leave.

You sighed. “Eds, just... will you just please flip the card?” You asked, all prettily that Eddie couldn't help but oblige, but be gentle with you again because he couldn't resist it. He couldn't resist you.

He huffed as he plucked the card out of the back pocket of his jeans, turning it over in one swift motion.

'CALL ME IF U NEED A GROUPIE' and your digits were attached right below it.

His gaze softened immediately, head drooping further as he huffed at himself.

He felt stupid, so fucking stupid.

Why did he ever think you would treat him like the others?

His chest expanded with hope when he looked back up at you, a soft smile graced his lips.

“Oh,” He muttered, not able to help the childish grin that was now stuck to his lips.

“Shut up,” You giggled, nudging him slightly.

“You owe me,” You narrowed your eyes sarcastically, causing his brows to quip.

“Oh, yeah? Like what?” He asked, a newfound confidence washing him over when you were so easy to talk to.

“A date,” You beamed, scrunching your nose.

“Okay.” The words left his lips quickly, too quickly that it had you feeling giddy inside.

“How about tomorrow?” He didn't even know how he managed to get those words out without stuttering.

“Uhm—sure.” You were the one stuttering now, cheeks burning up as you could barely look at him. His grin was sickly inviting.

“I'll pick you up at 8?” You nodded so quickly that you were sure your head was about to fall off.

“See you tomorrow,” His voice was sultry as he winked again, making you almost melt, looking cool on the surface when all he wanted to do was go home, freak the fuck out, tell Wayne all about the cool girl who tattooed him, and not be able to sleep until your date tomorrow.

[1218-814]

Twisted Wonderland Analysis (Tarot Card Offical Countdown Art)

Ace (23) and Duce (22)- No cards (in Major Arcana), The fool(s). Meaning new beginnings, having faith in the future, being inexperienced, not knowing what to expect, having beginner's luck, improvisation, and believing in the universe.

Normal:  Beginnings, Innocence, Leap of faith, Originality, Spontaneity

Upside down/reversed: Chaos, Folly, Lack of direction, Naivety, Poor judgment, Stupidity

I’m going to think Ace and Deuce are both the fool. I’m sure that they will the strongest card (the ace of spades). So the card confirms that they will be. In central Europe, the fool is the 22nd and the strongest card, which confirms this theory more.

They are both the first students MC interacts with (without Grimm), which is the “new beginnings” 

In the commercial of the Heartslabyul arc, you can see Cater and Trey on the edge of the screen showing most of their faces. But Ace and Duce show only show half of their Faces. This isn’t really about the card “The Fool” but it could mean they will be an odd card up the sleeve 

My card is in black, white, and red as well, so I think I used the right version, just because the cards’ color and the color of the Heartslabyul dorm are alike if not similar. (Ace=red and Deuce=black in my opinion)

In my version “the fool” has a crown in their hand. So I can conclude that the crown symbolizes “power”, I think he’s trying to communicate with someone who is higher than him (gods, rulers, etc.) using it. And the stick he’s holding represents fertility, which has a strong correlation to “trickster”, and the ends of the stick can also correlate to having two opposite ends (figuratively). Thus, it means that the person symbolizes being a fool, but they still have a side that calculates a plan. So it can also mean that the person, while not having a plan, still has a plan (Wikipedia, and yes, it's confusing sorry.)

Rook calls MC “Trickster Yuu-Kun”. The name does confirm this theory (fool=trickster). (”Trickster”- one who has two sides, the one who will change the story) And it is MC, Duce, and Ace that make a huge impact on the story. 

Cater Diamond (21)-  The World Za Warudo; represents an ending to a cycle of life, a pause in life before the next big cycle beginning with the fool. It is an indicator of a major and inexorable change, of tectonic breadth.

Normal: Achievement, Perfection, Fulfillment, Possibilities, Successful conclusions

Upside down/reversed: Delayed success, Failed plans, Lack of completion, Stagnation

Cater's last name is “Diamond”. Diamonds are the hardest jewel and are called the “king of all gemstones”, but they are also very brittle.

Cater is a very optimistic character, but he is also secretly very insecure about himself, so he hides his true self and acting the “perfect and strong diamond” to public

Trey Clover (20)-  Judgement; time of resurrection and awakening, a time when a period of our life comes to an absolute end making way for dynamic new beginnings.

Normal:  Awakening, Decision making, Redemption, Reincarnation, Renewal, Transition

Upside down/reversed: Poor logic, Poor or hasty judgment, Self-doubt, Stagnation

Trey didn’t stop Riddle when he was making unreasonable rules (poor judgment), which caused riddle to overblot, and this makes him have stagnation with his judgment.

But, the card means “renewal” which could represent his unique magic (Doodle Suit overwrites with what one imagines)

Riddle Rosehearts(19): The Sun; The card portends good fortune, happiness, joy and harmony. It represents the universe coming together and agreeing with your path and aiding forward movement into something greater.

Normal: Enlightenment, Joy, Marriage, Material happiness, Success, Vitality

Upside down/reversed:  False impressions, Lack of clarity, Low Vitality, Sadness

When people first think of the sun, they tend to think of Kalim. But in this case with the Marseille cards, Riddle is the perfect fit for it. 

In the Marseille card of the tower, it looks like the “sun” is spewing out what looks like flames to the tower removing the crown-like top, which may be a reference for Riddle’s unique magic, “Off with your head.”

 In the Savannaclaw arc, Riddle managed to stop Leona from overblotting too soon. Also, Leona’s overblot form uses nature, While 2 of the dorm SSR cards are fire-based, which makes him have an advantage over Leona

In his past, he was raised very strictly, which may also make him symbolize “sadness”

Jack Howl(18): The Moon; the card of illusion and deception, and therefore often suggests a time when something is not as it appears to be. Perhaps a misunderstanding on your part, or a truth you cannot admit to yourself.

Normal: Deception, Difficult period, Fear, Hidden things, Insecurity, Mental confusion

Upside down/reversed: Insomnia, Mysteries unveiled, Release of fear, Unhappiness, Unusual

In the Savannaclaw arc, he was disappointed in Leona, whom he thought he was above doing those things (difficult period and hidden things).

After he and Ruggie were able to respect Leona again after the overblot and Leona can try his best. (Release of Fear)

His unique magic and hair do have some elements of “The Moon (a transformation like a werewolf (unusual) 

At night, he (the moon) and “the stars” are the only ones near the height of “The Tower”

Ruggie Bucchi(17): The Star; you are likely to find yourself feeling inspired. It brings renewed hope and faith and a sense that you are truly blessed by the universe at this time.

Normal: Astronomy, Good health, Hope, Inspiration, Opportunities, Spirituality

Upside down/reversed: Despair, Disappointments, Illness, Missed opportunities

In the Savanna Claw arc, said something about opposing people's thoughts but he was disappointed when Leona said they could never be first.

After the overblot he has hope that he and Leona, the king he chose, can win the Magical shift tournament next year

Ruggie is the star, so he will not leave “The Tower’s” side (Leona)

Leona Kingscholar(16): The Tower; commonly interpreted as meaning danger, crisis, destruction, and liberation. It is associated with sudden unforeseen change.

Normal:  Accident or damage, Catastrophe, Destruction, Renovation, Unexpected

Upside down/reversed: Illness, Losses, Obstacles, Volatile situation

I don’t know if you’ve heard about this theory, but there is a theory that Leona is an important person in the ‘infinite loop theory’, and that's why he is repeating the grade, to break the loop.

In the opening, you see him standing in a very high place, which could represent the tower. 

Floyd Leech(15)- The Devil;  being seduced by the material world and physical pleasures. Also living in fear, domination and bondage, being caged by an overabundance of luxury, discretion should be used in personal and business matters.

Normal: Bondage, Enslavement, Fear, Feeling trapped, Materialism, Temptation, Unhealthy relationships

Upside down/reversed: Breaking from addictions, Divorce, Freedom from restraints

Bondage, enslavement, feeling trapped... Floyd hates shackles, which I assume is “bondage”

Floyd is usually hard to read like the card, as well as being a free-minded character.

Jade Leech (14)- Temperance; indicates that you should learn to bring about balance, patience, and moderation in your life. You should take the middle road, avoid extremes and maintain a sense of calm.

Normal:  Alchemy, Balance, Connecting with your guides, Harmony, Looking for divine intervention, Moderation

Upside down/reversed: Disharmony, Imbalance, Lack of patience, Onset of illness

Jade seems like a patient man, but the card says differently. If we see the ceremonial robes SSR cards, you can see that Riddle would agree that Jade is not what meets the eye. Yeah, Trey you need new glasses

Jade is probably holding back his true self; In the card, there’s an angel-like figure who has wings. Maybe, it’s suggesting the idea that Jade seems like an angel, but he’s just a demon in disguise. 

Azul Ashengrotto (13)-Death; Unlikely that this card actually represents a physical death. Typically it implies an end, possibly of a relationship or interest, and therefore implies an increased sense of self-awareness.

Normal: Endings, Failure, Letting go of attachments, Mortality, Profound change, Severe illness

Upside down/reversed: Delayed endings, Depression, Living unaware, Long terminal illness, Resistance to change

In the Octavinelle arc it goes: Letting of his past (attachments and depression)> Taking away other’s power because of his unfair deals (endings)> his contracts become sand> Overblot. Then after the overblot he has restarted his career  (Profound change)

In a wider sense, he literally symbolizes death. In the Scarabia arc, because he came, Jamil overblotted (Ending, Bad in this case).

Jamil Viper (12)-  The Hanged Man; the card that suggests ultimate surrender, sacrifice, or being suspended in time.

Normal:  Breaking old patterns, Circumspection, Letting go, Metamorphosis, Suspension

Upside down/reversed: Egotism, Inability to change, Missing an opportunity

Jamil sacrificed so much. He killed his own feelings and was suspended in time (in some sense), incapable to change, and wanted to be king, but in the end it all went to waste (missed an opportunity)

Kalim Al-Asim (11): Strength; predicts the triumphant conclusion to a major life problem, situation or temptation through the strength of character. It is a very happy card if you are fighting illness or recovering from injury.

Normal: Confidence, Enjoying power, Inner strength, Potency, Self-belief, Virility, Vitality

Upside down/reversed: Hedonism, Lack of self-control, Lacking courage, Self-doubt, Vanity

In this case, I would say that this is most likely, represented by, Kalim’s unique magic. Oasis maker requires him little effort while being very powerful. Depending on how he uses it, it could end up even killing people.

His personality says most of the reversed card, he holds many parties (hendonism) and he get’s Jamil to do most of his dorm leader work.

Epel Felmier (10)- Wheel of Fortune; common aspect to most interpretations of this card within a reading is to introduce an element of change in the querent's life, such change being in station, position or fortune: such as the rich becoming poor, or the poor becoming rich.

Normal: Chance, Changes, Destiny, Luck, Opportunity, Winning 

Upside down/reversed: Bad luck, Disappointment, Misfortune, Mishap, Unforeseen setback

In the game he has an achievement (?) called “the pretty boy with thin luck”, I think fate will work for him this time, and he gets to challenge Vil (Change and chance)

His fate with MC and the others will change in the future is what I also think.

Rook Hunt (9)- The Hermit; suggests that you are in a phase of introspection where you are drawing your attention inwards and looking for answers within. You are in need of a period of inner reflection, away from the current demands of your position.

Normal: Introspection, Meditation, Self-reflection, Solitude, Soul-searching, Withdrawal from society, Helper

  Upside down/reversed: Exile, Loneliness, Misfit, Sadness, Withdrawing from loved ones

The normal ones are basically his personality

Rook is a character to help understand Vil, such as in the Lab Coat story.

Literally, his unique magic is called "I see you"

He did not help Vil, being the one who was always loyal to him in the Pomfiore arc.

Vil Schoenheit (8)- Justice; indicates that the fairest decision will be made. Justice is the sword that cuts through a situation, and will not be swayed by outer beauty when deciding what is fair and just.

Normal: Balance and equilibrium, Cause and effect, Fairness, Justice, Responsibilty

Upside down/reversed: Dishonesty, Imbalance, Lack of accountability, Legal flaws, Unfair treatment

Vil is very unfair to people, such as Epel,

He also does acept other’s opinion if they are actually trying, such as Jack in his Gym Uniform story.

He does judge people all the same (but he doesn’t like people that don’t put effort)

Other than the “fair” in the card it can also mean “fair” as in beauty; His counterpart is known for using the word in that meaning

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall who is the fairest of them all?”

Ortho Shroud (7)- The Chariot; card about overcoming conflicts and moving forward in a positive direction. One needs to keep going on and through sheer hard work and commitment he will be victorious.

Normal: A journey, Ambition, Confidence, Drive, Overcoming obstacles, Will power

  Upside down/reversed: Lack of direction, Scattered energy, Self-doubt, Going out of control, Selfish

Othro is the only one in the whole countdown who is upside down, hence making all the meanings reversed.

If you pay close attention to his personality he is some what selfish, such as him unleashing his beam.

Idia Should (6)- The Lovers; represent relationships and choices. Its appearance in a spread indicates some decision about an existing relationship, a temptation of the heart, or a choice of potential partners. Often an aspect of the querent's life will have to be sacrificed; a bachelor(ette)'s lifestyle may be sacrificed and a relationship gained (or vice versa), or one potential partner may be chosen while another is turned down. Whatever the choice, it should not be made lightly, as the ramifications will be lasting.

Normal: Being at a crossroads, Choices, Commitment, Falling in love, Partnerships

Upside down/reversed: A broken relationship, Infidelity, Relationship issues, Separation

The relationship is his relationship with Ortho.

He made a choice in the past that he should have not made lightly. aka the one that lead to his brother's death

Sebek Zigvolt (5)- The Hierophant/Pope; seen seated on a throne between two pillars symbolizing law and liberty or obedience and disobedience. He wears a triple crown, and the keys to Heaven are at his feet. 

Normal: Education, Learning, Marriage, Religion, Seeking counsel or advice, Spiritual guidance, Tradition, Trust

Upside down/reversed: Abuse of position, Breakdown, Poor counsel, Rejection of family values

He may as well breakdown because of his loyalty to Malleus

He holds the stick like the card in the left hand.

He worships Malleus (religion) and he trusts him too much

Silver (4)- The Emperor;suggestive of stability and security in life. You are on top of things and everything in under your control. It is your hard work, discipline and self control that have bought you this far. It means that you are in charge of your life now setting up your own rules and boundaries.

Normal: Authority, Father figure, Law and order, Leadership, Power, Promotion

Upside down/reversed: Control freak, Immaturity, Lack of discipline, Loss of authority, Manipulative friends

Silver is based on a non-villan character and protects Malleus. His non-elemental magic is light

He is going to be the axis of the story; he said “I think I have met you before”

The card resembles the picture very much

In his lab coat story, he holds a book that is the exact opposite color of what others have.

He does bring order within the Diasomnia arc

Lilia Vanrouge (3)- The Empress; traditionally associated with maternal influence, is the card if you are hoping to start a family. She can represent the creation of life, romance, art, or new business.

Normal: A new opportunity, Abundance, Maternal care, Nurturing, Pregnancy, Stability, futility 

Upside down/reversed: Domestic problems, Financial issues, Stagnation, Unwanted pregnancy

Lilia is the father figure of Malleus and Silver

His talent is lullabies (nurturing)

It also can mean fertility, unknown, and time (apparently idk)> symbolizing his long life. Unknown> What we see is an altered appearance? fertility> He literally hatched Malleus

Malleus Draconia (2)- The High Priestess; a card of mystery, stillness, and passivity. This card suggests that it is time to retreat and reflect upon the situation and trust your inner instincts to guide you through it. Things around you are not what they appear to be right now.

Normal: Hidden talents, Intuition, Mystery, Spiritual insight, Things yet to be revealed

Upside down/reversed:  information withheld, Lack of personal harmony, Secrets

Literally Maleficent. nothing else 

Might hold some of the keys?

What I can say now is that he needs to retreat and reflect because what he did in chapter 7 is not nice.

Dire Crowley (1)- The Magician; it points to the talents, capabilities and resources at the querent's disposal to succeed. The message is to tap into one's full potential rather than holding back, especially when there is a need to transform something.

Normal: Determined, Dexterity, Resourceful, Skilled, Strong powerful man

Upside down/reversed: Communication blocks, Confusion, Deceit, Ill intentions, Lack of energy

By looking at the card and characters, then the most reasonable to think that will betray us is him

He may be the person who made the world of Twisted Wonderland. (There was a black magician named Crowley in Britain)

~~~

These are from their respective sources, mainly for personal reference

Also, I wrote this like 2 years ago and touched up. So Im sorry if I'm wrong

Likes, reblogs, and follows are always appreciated :)

[knizuu]

When 2 ain’t enough ya gotta have // PT 3 OF LOOKING AT FANG’S STORY // SPOILERS BTW

Wawa first of all, hi!!! If you don’t get what I’m talking about:

This is my original rant with Superstars included! [Check out the other reblogs too if ya want =w=]

And This should be about the start of the Fang miniseries!!

OK OK NOW LETS GET INTO IT

There’s some things I said on discord already related :]

Sooooo….you might’ve noticed the fact Team Hooligan is kindaaaaa not a thing anymore :’]

CRIESSS AS A HOOLIGAN FAN SORRY-

Anyways efkjwghrj, my main point is that he got left because Fang was IGNORANT

Now I don’t wanna say he’s thinking he has more power, because Fang knows DARN WELL he doesn’t have the skill compared to Bean or Bark. He isn’t strong enough, he isn’t crazy enough, he’s defined by what he NEAR to, like his Marvelous Queen. “Ignorance is bliss” and I think he embodies this idea to the extent of how awful it can be in the long run.

Oh ye the Marvelous Queen? Da she?

Fang ABSOLUTELY is caring of Marvelous Queen, heck, even more publicly shown rather than Bean or Bark. Now ye he could just not CARE about Bean or Bark but that’s just a lie. Even at the worst, he NEEDED fighters near him to help his journey. That’s just how it is to me :]

But I think what makes Marvelous Queen so much more valuable is the point I already shared: It’s what defines him. It’s what brings the power to HIM ONLY. With Bean and Bark, it makes TEAM HOOLIGAN look good. With the Marvelous Queen, FANG’s impressive. Because it’s such a great device Fang uses perfectly. So it means SO MUCH to him if he had the Marvelous Queen by his side.

…Which is sad, if you know the fact the Marvelous Queen EXPLODED IN HIS DUCKING FACE [Trip I love you but ARHGHHGHJG-

Oooh so if you know me, there’s been two other pictures like this. One being of him thinking “WHERE’S BEAN AND BARK?” and the other more so “I cannot be a failure AGAIN.” This one is…a lil new to me for some reason but I’ll still use it!

Ok well the first one was the “WHERE’S BEAN AND BARK?” Which goes great with dis one! Both are worried about WHERE Bark and Bean are because they’re supposed to be there for Fang. Like always.

In the last one, he’s just…alone, with no one he’s really thinking about probably BECAUSE he doesn’t want to think about Team Hooligan.

Yknow cuz if I was in his raggedy shoes, I’d ALSO feel pretty put down from two hooligans who now seem to be judging me! It’s understandable! What he’s so ignorant about is the fact he CARES about these goobers. Yes he uses them to get paid and shiz but he’d also had GREAT chemistry with them!! They were a solid team who just had FUN for darn sakes!

But perhaps he’s getting too stuck in the comfort. Bean doesn’t have the calm social skills and Bark is practically ignored. They’re a strong unit but not mentally!! You have a good soul being pushed aside, an emotional help who’s getting mad, and an insecure leader who’s getting pissy.

This isn’t who they USED to be, heck the reasons as to what changed kinda boggled me. But I DO understand how

Fang felt like he was going through more trouble with Bean and Bark, hence he didn’t even BOTHER to ask them to come back

He cares about his self worth more than his team, because he doesn’t want to be a failure. He wants to gain money and power so he’s strong.

Because of 2, he’s forgetting he truly loves his team. That they actually help him throughout his journeys but he’s taking them for granted. I guess he sees the Marvelous Queen as ALL. HE. NEEDS.

aight so we all getting this?? Ok ok

Ok ok just a lil note before a bigger notice-he DOESS say his team mates’ names for alert. But in one of my older posts, I still do believe when Fang’s first confused where his team is, that he’s saying their names out of fear. Because now he’s scared. [in that past moment]

ANYWAYYYY

Ahme kewhbfe this was from the new sonic channel art!! [it might not be too new now ASHFVGWR]

Ya see how the first image tells their relationship? How Fang is…[gasp/silly] INSIGHTFUL??? This may not mean much but the fact I brung up him being ignorant for so long-this is new

Because I thought Fang didn’t care for Trip AT ALL when Superstars first came out-then I saw the pancake image and went “Oh ok so he does like Trip in the sense she is caring and loyal” and this…OH WOWHW HWOH OHWIDWH THIS

It’s only the English translation, but “I wonder what Fang thinks when he sees Trip, who obeys without giving up…” IS SUCH A STRONG MYSTERY

Like ye, what *DEOS* HE THIJNK?? [what does he think pft]

Personally, I think he’s reminding himself of his team and Marvelous Queen

But what’s so special about her is that she isn’t doubtful to Fang as much as Bean and Bark. Yknow cus Bean and Bark has more of their own identity and sternness. And with the Marvelous Queen, heck she can’t speak a word! She’s just the product of what Fang needs to win a battle or win some cash. Trip is like the cheap Walmart version of a Marvelous Queen. But instead of being perfectly one noted as Fang’s helper, she’s clumsy. Though it seems Fang is not TRULY mad about that. Because he’s being respected, saluted, and seen for the wonder he is-/lyrics sorry I love the lion king sm

So…I think he’s gaining more control! I think with a newbie gal such as Trip, he’s getting more insightful on how he acted or acts now. From Superstars/Trio of Trouble, he’s anxious and passionate for being a successful man. But in here, which is supposed to be before Superstars, he’s extremely cocky and forgetting social queues. And for Fang’s Big Break, well I say it does seem like a break! From just…being Fang and not Team Hooligan, Fang’s a lot less crazy or extreme. He’s more calm and collected. Maybe it’s the fact he got too comfortable with being the leader in Team Hooligan. Got too ignorant and was left with no one at the end. Now he’s learning. All anew! With Superstars, he’s grown to a new light. Trip seems to have left a mark! She made Fang more insightful but of course at the expense of Fang losing himself. [As in, the Marvelous Queen]

So I wonder where Fang will go now!! Will he get with Bean and Bark again?? Will he learn to be a better jerboa?? If Trip and Fang really get their new adventures…could we learn more? Ig we’ll never know until there’s more content. At least it’s exciting!

I just hope wherever Bean and Bark are, that they aren’t too mad at Fang. Maybe the separation is what heals them? Because at the core, they’ll ALL unstable. Darn it, Sega, give us more Hooligan content!!/silly but yeh!

[sugakookie127]

I was living in the end today, felt a lil more real and i was listening to adambja’s tape: desired reality while doing so. I just kept reminding myself of my new identity her and there and i lowkey feel neutral about it now tbh🤷🏽‍♀️

But yeah. I just need to continue to remind myself of my new identity and make it natural bcs that’s what i did on the daily throughout my life. I literally kept reminding myself who i was. We all have been doing that. But i’m reminding myself of my NEW identity and i do admit that i do trip up here and there bcs of what my senses are showing me but i just need to remind myself this is how the law and life works. U choose different versions of yourself to ne and disregard anything that tells u otherwise bcs u believe what is true IS TRUE. So i WILL get to the point where the 3d LITERALLY never phases me cus it’s only my mirror after all. It holds no “realness” or “importance” bcs it’s so limited and only reflects what u believe is true.

Vaunt: So i DO believe i’m extremely beautiful. And YES, i ALWAYS look and feel extremely gorgeous without having to pit ANY effort. I DO drop jaws when i walk anywhere or just stand there. Ppl literally think i’m a work of art or “God’s favorite” lol. THIS is my identity. I don’t have insecurities. I can’t believe i used to think i was ugly EVER cus i was literally ALWAYS so pretty. This summer i just had a MAJOR ass glow up so now when school opens for orientation on the last Friday of august, the ppl who knew me before my glow up are going to be flabbergasted with my glow up. Mentally AND physically. I can’t WAIT to see their reactions but i can already tell what they’ll all think in common. “Wow, is this really *my name*?” “She’s GORGEOUS”, etc etc. i know, i think these thoughts TOOOOO but THANK YALLLL. I literally love my life so much bro it’s too perfect now. JUST the way i want it to be. I’m so happy for me😫 UGHHH

[ladamedusoif]

Visiting: Chapter Three - Ghosts

(Moodboard by the wonderful @cutesyscreenname)

Pairing: Professor!Ben (College AU) x OFC Lydia/fem!Reader (reader POV/2nd POV)

Summary: Seeking a change of scenery after her life falls apart, Lydia crosses the Atlantic and arrives in a small New England town, to spend a year expanding her intellectual horizons as a visiting professor of art history at a small liberal arts college. Her growing friendship with Ben Morales, professor of Hispanic literature, forces Lydia to confront the fallout from her past - and raises unexpected questions about the future.

Chapter Summary: The gorgeous New England fall settles in - and so does Lydia, feeling more at home among her friends and colleagues at Barrow than ever. And then comes Evan’s Halloween party, with costumes, cocktails, and closeness on a couch…

Word Count: 5.7k

Rating: Mature; will become Explicit in later chapters.

Content (chapter specific): Professor Ben College AU; smaller-than-usual-for-this-fandom age gap (she is 41, about to turn 42, and Ben 47 when the story begins); canon is not a thing here; slow burn; strong language; alcohol consumption; weight and body insecurity; reference to relationship breakdown; reference to chronic pain and implied autoimmune-related pain; references to serial killers in a Halloween costume context; briefly illegal shenanigans in the back of a car if you're liable to be concerned about this.

A/N: This is fluff. After the horrors of Kevin Lacroix last chapter, it was nice to write our gang in a more relaxed and fun setting (even if, as you’ll see, you could cut the tension with a knife).

This was originally one long chapter but will now appear as chapters 3 and 4.

(A subtitle for this chapter might have been: In Which Rose Works Out Her Tim Rockford Feelings. You'll see what I mean.)

The title of this chapter is taken from Laura Marling's song 'Ghosts', which resonates really perfectly with Lydia’s own back story: The ghosts that broke my heart before I met you.

I've included links to more thematic/featured songs in Further Author's Notes at the end, to avoid spoilers.

See the Series Masterlist for an outline of Lydia's story and background.

Taglist: @lunapascal, @julesonrecord, @cutesyscreenname, @tessa-quayle, @vermillionwinter, @iamskyereads, @tieronecrush, @perennialdoll247, @love-the-abyss, @imaswellkid, @intheorangebedroom, @javierisms, @fuckyeahdindjarin, @littlemisspascal

“I’m giving you two weeks - that’s plenty of advance warning here. I need to make sure you two understand the assignment.”

Evan exhales and pushes his seat back from the round table in the staff lounge, where you are eating lunch with Ben on a random Tuesday in mid-October. Evan’s expression is one of deep concern. 

Ben puts down his sandwich and brushes a couple of crumbs from his dark green pullover. 

“Do we understand the assignment? For your Halloween thing? At your house?”

“For the Halloween party, yes. Are we clear on the theme? This is important.”

“Is this because David is coming?” Ben asks mischievously. Evan has been involved in an on-off “thing” (his term, not yours) with David, a drama professor based in Boston, for the last six months, and this party would mark his introduction to the Barrow circle.

Evan ignores Ben’s question. You stifle a giggle and stir your noodle soup. He’s spent the last twenty minutes issuing your invites to a Halloween party at his apartment, accompanied by detailed explanations on the importance of sticking to the theme. 

“Cinematic Horror And/Or Serial Killers. It’s pretty broad, I think we’ll be okay.”

Evan raises an eyebrow. “I’ll be the judge of that.”

Ben catches your eye and gives you a knowing look. “I have some questions, Evan. When you say ‘serial killers’, is that exclusively the killers themselves or are associated characters from the films an option?”

“Associated characters are fine. One of my friends from Boston is already dressing as Gale Weathers from Scream, though, so cross that one off your lists.”

Ben briefly looks confused, before returning to his lunch with a shrug. 

“I also have a question, Evan,” you say, innocently. You can see Ben trying not to laugh as he takes a bite of his sandwich. “Fiction or non-fiction?”

Evan rolls his eyes. “What?”

“Well, do the characters have to be fictional, or can they be cinematic representations of real people as depicted in horror or serial killer movies?”

“Just stick to the theme. And you” - he points at Ben - “no niche literary or historical costumes.” He picks up his can of sparkling water and walks off.

You lean in, whispering. “I didn’t know this was so serious. I knew Halloween was a big deal here, but…”

Ben looks pensive as he finishes his lunch. “I’m still not entirely sure I understand what he means by ‘understand the assignment’.”

As the glorious New England fall settles in, making the Barrow campus a riot of copper and gold, you have that curious sensation of having been here forever while feeling like no time at all has passed. Your little community of friends and colleagues have, for the most part, made you feel like you were at home, not just “visiting”. 

After the shenanigans at the beach away-day in September, you prove you can walk the walk as well as talking the talk. As soon as you got into work on the following Monday, you’d knocked on Ben’s door to volunteer as a tutor for one of the additional support workshops he was organising as part of the diversity and inclusion project across the faculty.

He seemed to appreciate your outsider perspective, regularly seeking out advice or feedback on how best to look after the students involved. You’ve never seen anyone look as pleased as he did to receive a printed and bound copy of the hundred-page report your institution had compiled a couple of years ago on support strategies. 

He shrugged when you mentioned this, having watched him leaf excitedly through the document. “I’m just a nerd for this stuff.” You shook your head. “You care. They’re lucky to have you.”

You shouldn’t have favourites, really, not when you’re teaching such a range of classes, but the students in that particular workshop group are a joy: hard-working, insightful, kind, and funny. They have no sense of entitlement or expectation based on privilege. They come into each group meeting spilling over with things they want to tell you and the rest of the class: books read, movies watched, artworks discovered, songs played on repeat. Their intelligence and perceptiveness only underlines how toxic the attitudes of, ahem, certain colleagues are.

They seem to like you, too - though not as much as they like Ben, who is clearly a bit of a cult favourite. You overhear a group in your support workshop talking excitedly one morning about seeing him coming onto campus on his black-framed bicycle, two pannier bags attached to the back.

“He’s just so cute on his little bike, ohmygoooooood!” The other students had scrunched up their faces and made high-pitched noises to signal their agreement. “Protect this man at aaalllllll costs,” agrees another. “Did you see his little space tie at orientation?? He’s so baby and so old man at the same time, I just cannot with him.”

You daren't ask what they say about you.

Outside of work, the arrival of more of the belongings you’d had shipped over has helped make the once-spartan apartment into a home. The crocheted blanket you made sits on the back of your small sofa, ready to be pulled over you as you read or watch TV. The living area is dotted with trinkets from your travels and photographs, especially of your little nieces. A bright green Japanese kintsugi bowl, a gift from your sister a year after your ex-partner had left, takes pride of place on the low coffee table.

It might only be home for a year, but you’ve tried to make the apartment feel like you. Your framed print of a Raoul Dufy painting of Paris hangs on one wall, comforting pinks and blues in the abstract but familiar depiction of the city. You treated yourself to two small Diptyque candles at the airport duty free on your way to the US, and their scent acts as a reassuring comfort whenever you walk back through the door after a day at work. As has been the case everywhere you’ve ever lived, there are books and magazines everywhere, some neatly shelved, far more in random piles. You’d even managed to track down a cheap second-hand sewing machine at a local thrift store, and had convinced Ani to drive you to the nearest large craft store to stock up on fabric and patterns.

It’s become somewhat of a running joke that you are obsessed with the fall. You tried to explain that it was, in part, because it was so different to what you were used to. 

“We just get meh.”

“Meh?” Evan repeated, sipping his coffee in the staff lounge one day, as you explain. “Meh?”

“Yes, meh. It gets dark too quickly. It’s kind of always…damp, and it makes my stupid fucked-up joints and body hurt. And we don’t get those crisp, gorgeous colours in the landscape. More like fog and sludge and rotting leaves and just: meh. Here, though! Campus is just like a picture book.”

“If you think this is good, you should see the lakeside trail just outside town,” Ben adds. “Best way to see it is by bike. Could be fun if you wanted to hire one and explore it?”

A week later, and you’re back on a bike for the first time in a long time, trying to keep your focus on staying upright while taking time to admire the incredible surroundings. The colours of a New England fall are spread across the landscape like an extraordinary patchwork quilt, all oranges and golds and reds and the occasional evergreen, and the blue of the lake provides a perfect contrast. You stop pedalling for a moment, resting your feet on the ground as you take it all in.

“Wow.” 

Ben, a little further ahead, slows and comes to a halt before walking his bike back to you. He follows your gaze to look at the picture-perfect scene in front of you, as nature offers a final performance of spectacular colour before the winter snows arrive. 

“It’s really something, isn’t it? Fall does not look like this where I’m from.” 

You nod, awestruck. “Sometimes I just can’t believe I get to be here.”

Two weeks after Evan’s micro-managed invitation to his Halloween party, and you think - no, make that hope - you’ve created a costume that fits the brief. Ani is coming over to meet up before you head over together, and you put out a bowl of candy corn (a revelation to you, even if Evan never fails to remind you that “it tastes like crayons.”)

You’re adjusting your curly blonde wig, carefully teasing out some of the curls around the ends, and checking your drawn-on moustache in the mirror when your phone lights up.

ANI: SEE ME. SEE ME NOW.

You raise an eyebrow and go to the intercom panel near your front door. Someone is standing at the door of the building in a top hat and morning suit, curly dark hair carefully arranged around their shoulders and a pair of tiny dark glasses perched on their nose. 

The curious figure is carrying a Barrow Farmers Market tote bag.

“Fucking hell.” You press the button to let Ani in, and leave your front door ajar. They swish into your apartment a few moments later, a vision in a dove-grey morning suit they’d found at a local Goodwill and a top hat borrowed from the student drama society. Ani had asked you to pin some grey fabric around the hat a few days earlier, but hadn’t revealed any more about their costume plans.

“Well?? Do you see me now?” They twirl around for your approval.

“That’s genuinely incredible. Vampirism really suits you.”

Ani grins, admiring themselves in the mirror that hangs near the front door before taking a seat on the arm of your sofa. “I look fucking fantastic, even if I shouldn’t be able to see my reflection. Any Mina Harkers at this party better watch out.” They look you up and down. “And you’re…?”

You stand up. In addition to the wig and pencil moustache, you’re dressed in a three-piece tweed suit (another Goodwill find, which you’d been able to easily tailor to fit with your trusty sewing machine) with a shirt and tie, topped with a white lab coat. 

Ani still looks confused. You tap a name badge you’d made for exactly this eventuality. They peer at it, reading it aloud, and finally join the dots:

Dr F. Frankenstein (Fronk-en-STEEN)

“Oh, wow.” Ani shakes their head. “You must be the first person in Halloween costume party history to go dressed as Young Frankenstein before he becomes the crazy scientist. Evan is gonna have notes.”

You shove your hands in the pockets of the lab coat and make a haughty face. “It’s pronounced Fronk-en-STEEN.”

Ani laughs and stands up, picking up their bag (which contains two bottles of wine). “Okay, Fronk-en-Steen, let’s go see if anyone can outdo you for niche costume choice of the night. That pencil moustache is kinda hot, by the way.”

Evan opens the door dressed in a truly horrible dress, a messy grey wig styled in a bun, and wielding a toy knife. He looks in a foul mood, even discounting the Norman Bates-as-Mother costume.

Ani wheels around, ready to do their Dracula routine. “SEE ME. SEE ME - fuck! Are you okay, man?” 

Evan scowls, stepping back to let you in. “I’ve got to take meds to get rid of that bastard chest thing I’ve had, and they specifically state no alcohol or other drugs to be consumed while taking them. So I’m stone-cold sober at my own party, while everyone else is enjoying my spooky margs.” He jerks his head in the direction of the crowd of guests. 

You step over the threshold, both curious and reluctant to find out what a “spooky marg” involves. Ani remains outside. 

“You gotta invite me in, dude.”

Evan rolls his eyes and brandishes the plastic knife. “Would you like to come in, vampire? You’re so lucky this is a toy.”

Ani winks behind their little glasses. “Nuh-uh! Stakes only!”

Evan’s apartment is a decently-sized mid-century two bed, and most of the party guests are milling around the open-plan living and dining area. In addition to the select group of colleagues who made the list, he’s invited a few of his friends from Boston and New York to come up for the night. You scan the room, hoping to spy the elusive David.

“Spooky Margs and a selection of other beverages are in the kitchen with some snacks. Help yourselves. And make sure to remind someone all night that they did not understand the assignment.” Evan points with his toy knife towards a familiar figure clad in a beige mac, who’s talking to some of Evan’s friends. 

Ben wheels around at the sound of Evan’s voice. He’s wearing a white shirt, a 1970s-style striped tie, and a pair of vaguely vintage-looking grey dress pants. There’s what looks like a toy police badge clipped to his belt.

He’s hearing Evan’s admonition for what is evidently the millionth time since he arrived, and rolls his eyes. “I keep telling you, I did understand! Cinematic horror or serial killers!” He looks pleadingly in your direction. “Lydia was there. We asked Evan some clarifying questions, didn’t we?” 

You nod, but Ani pulls a face. “Not convinced Columbo fits the brief, my guy. Did he get many serial killers?”

Evan nods enthusiastically. “See? SEE? Ani gets it. Fuckin’ Columbo, Ben.”

In the time they’ve been upbraiding him, you’ve been studying Ben’s costume more carefully, a smile of growing recognition dancing around your mouth. You clear your throat, and all three look directly at you.

“He’s not Columbo.” 

“So who is he, then?” Evan asks, irritated. Clearly, the lack of spooky margs is having an effect on his mood.

You move beside Ben. “Mind if I show them the evidence, Detective?” 

“Not at all, Doctor.” 

The white lab coat must be imbuing you with some sort of scientific spirit. You begin to jokingly lecture Ani and Evan, pointing out parts of Ben’s outfit like he’s a specimen on display. Some of the other party guests turn to watch.

“To the untrained eye, Professor Morales’ costume may well look like a typical Columbo effort. But there are some vital clues that prove he is, in fact, not Columbo and is completely appropriately dressed for the theme. Exhibit A: the side parting in his hair, and the way it is styled - or, sorry to say this Ben, the way he’s tried to style it. Exhibit B: no cigar. Exhibit C: the contents of his pockets. Could you show these to the group, Professor?”

Ben nods with exaggerated formality and reaches into his coat pockets.

“An old street map of San Francisco. A pocket guide to codes and codebreaking. A pair of glasses - pretty sure these are not part of the costume. Colleagues, this is in fact Detective Dave Tosche, one of the leading figures in the Zodiac case.” You look to Ben for confirmation, your eyebrows raised expectantly. 

“You’re so close.”

You chew on your lower lip before it hits you. “Ah! An important distinction. You’re Mark Ruffalo playing Dave Tosche in David Fincher’s 2007 based on a true story serial killer masterpiece, Zodiac. Serial killer, cinematic, he’s entirely on theme, he’s even from the Bay Area.”

You do a neat little bow. Ben laughs hard. “I knew you’d get it, Dr Fronk-en-steen!”

Ani rolls their eyes. Evan pinches his nose. “I swear to god, on your first day in graduate school they should warn you that if you become an academic you’ll end up working with fucking nerds for the rest of your life.”

The host’s irritation at his enforced sobriety aside, the party is relaxed and enjoyable. Evan has compiled an exceptionally well-curated playlist that mixes Halloween-themed songs and party bangers with random tracks from a ‘Spooky Sound Effects Vol. 1-5’ album he’d found in a thrift store. Evan’s friends are a fascinating and entertaining group of people: friends from college; former colleagues; people who work in fashion; writers, artists, and people who run tiny community theatres. 

You’re swapping Paris stories with Drew, a 6’4” Boston-based art teacher dressed up as Shelley Duvall in The Shining, while finishing off a vodka and tonic (you are still building up to trying a Spooky Marg, disarmed by their lurid green colour). 

Drew points to your now-empty glass. “Think it’s time for you to try Evan’s concoction, babe. Would you believe me if I told you it was actually pretty good?” he offers, raising his own glass of the icy green beverage.

You pull a face. “I guess I can’t know until I try it. Okay. Here goes nothing.” You cross to the kitchen in search of the green nectar, bopping gently to the strains of ‘Cuff It’ pumping out of Evan’s speakers. En route, you spot Ani in the open-plan living area, flirting outrageously with someone dressed as Tippi Hedren in The Birds, enormous fake bird sticking out at a rakish angle from their blonde wig. 

Ben has had the same idea as you. When you enter Evan’s tiny kitchen, he’s standing by the counter - still wearing his overcoat - and pouring himself a glass of the frosty green goo from a large jug. 

“Ohhhh, yes. Yes. This is good. You can try it first.”

“I thought you were a scientist, Dr Fronk-en-Steen? Scared of an experimental substance?”

You join him at the counter and give him a sceptical look. “As a good scientist, I’d at least like to know what’s in the experimental substance.”

Ben sips the drink cautiously and narrows his eyes. “There’s definitely tequila. Lots of tequila. And triple sec. And something…minty? And then an extra booze layer that I can’t quite place.” He coughs suddenly, eyes watering. “Yep. Pretty…pretty potent.”

You scan the counter and spot a bottle of crème de menthe and one of vodka tucked alongside the tequila and triple sec. “Detective, I think we have our answer. Oh well. I guess it’s designed to make us merry. Or spooky. Or just really, really unwell.” 

You pour yourself a glass, clink it off Ben’s, and lean against Evan’s countertop. You’ve taken off your lab coat and jacket. Ben gestures towards your outfit.

“That’s a great costume, by the way. Inspired choice not to go for the obvious ‘mad scientist’ version.” He peers closer. “And that is an excellent drawn-on moustache.”

You beam, delighting in the fact that he’s so impressed by your efforts. “It’s weird, I’ve kind of always wanted to go to a costume party where I had a drawn-on moustache. Maybe I want to feel like an early Hollywood villain.”

He laughs. “Or is it because of Jeanne Moreau with the fake moustache and cap in Jules et Jim?” 

Your mouth drops open. “Shit! That’s it. God, that would have been a good costume. Easy to do, as well.” 

Ben nods in agreement. “But I think Evan would have actually tried to kill you for not - what was the phrase? - not understanding the assignment.” He takes another sip of his Spooky Marg, wincing slightly. “And thank you, by the way, for proving that I did what I was told.”

You look him up and down, taking in his costume. “It’s so obviously not Columbo. Where did you get all the bits of the outfit?”

“Coat and pants are from a bigger branch of Goodwill in the next town over. Shirt is just a white shirt. Nothing exciting there. Got the badge in a toy store. The map and code book are my own.” 

Of course they are. 

He holds up his tie. “This belonged to my dad. Authentic 70s size and stripes.” 

You smile softly at that detail. “It is an excellent tie and no mistake. I’m just wondering about how far you took the attention to detail, though - didn’t Tosche have one of those shoulder holster things on for pretty much the entire movie?”

Ben blushes. “Uh…well. You know I believe in the details. And the accuracy.”

You tilt your head quizzically. “In what sense?”

“In the sense that I do care about the attention to detail, so I, uh…”

He moves to take off his overcoat. And there they are: a pair of brown leather shoulder holsters, albeit without any handguns (real or fake). Insane green drink aside, he really looks the part as an old-school hard bitten TV detective. 

It’s also impossible to ignore the way the combination of the snugly-fitted shirt and holsters seems to exaggerate (or maybe emphasise?) just how broad Ben’s shoulders are. 

Have they always looked like…that?

Either way, you’re impressed. “Wow. I mean…wow. It’s the whole package. No toy pistols, though?”

He furrows his brow. “I was struggling a bit with whether this fed into the more problematic aspects of how policing is presented in popular culture - what do they call it, ‘copaganda’? - , and guns for me are just…no.” He shakes his head. “Felt weird enough getting the holsters but, like I said - attention to detail.”

You nod. “You could just use yours to store snacks, or something. Might get a bit, um, melted, though. Body heat, and all.”

Ben laughs, and nods his head towards the living room. “Come on. Grab your Spooky Marg and let’s go see if Tippi Hedren’s been turned vampiric yet.”

Three Spooky Margs later, and you’re buzzed. Thankfully, so is pretty much everyone else - with the exception of Evan, of course, and a lone guest dressed as the Babadook who’s been sitting, motionless, at the dining table all night. 

Wig off, you’re chatting and eating pumpkin spiced cookies in the tiny kitchen with David, who has proven to be charm personified (and gorgeous to boot). Hair neatly styled and wearing a simple outfit of slacks, shirt, and jacket, it took you a moment before you realised he was dressed as Norman Bates. 

That’s one way to do couples’ costumes. 

In solidarity with Evan, David has limited himself to one Spooky Marg for the evening, and is sipping on tonic water and lime. Evan sticks his bewigged head into the kitchen and beckons you and David to join the rest of the party in the living area. “Come on! It’s Spooky Lip Sync for your Afterlife time.”

You glance sideways at David, who grins. “Don’t worry. There won’t be any death drops.”

“Lyyyyyyyydiiiaaaaa!” Ben beams and waves frantically at you from the smaller sofa, gesturing for you to join him. You realise why he seems so eager to have you join him when you see what’s happening on the couch.

He’s pinned against one end, holding his head at an awkward angle to avoid getting hit in the face by the fake bird stuck in Tippi Hedren’s hair as they throw their head back and laugh while Ani whispers sweet nothings into their ear. 

All the Spooky Margs in the world couldn’t make Ben Morales comfortable in this scenario. 

Even so, he’s definitely merry, albeit in an extremely smiley, benevolent kind of way. He’s got a beatific smile on his face as you approach. “Lyddie, sit. Sit. Sit in the seat.” He motions as if he’s about to stand and give you his space on the couch.

You laugh and put a hand on one of his shoulders, gently pushing him back into his spot. “Absolutely the fuck not. I’m not sitting beside someone getting turned into a vampire, Benjamin.” You settle onto the padded arm of the couch on his left, leaning ever so slightly into him as you do so. “M’sitting on the arm of this sofa right here.” 

“Mmmmkay.” He sips his lurid green drink and hums with satisfaction. Drew, his Shelley Duvall wig swapped for a longer, darker one, emerges from the hallway clad in a wafty, bright red dress. 

“Pssssst. Lyd. Lyd.” Ben leans in to whisper theatrically in your ear. “What’s a Spooky Sync Afterlife anyway?”

Evan glares at him and fiddles with his phone until a tinkly piano melody emerges from the speakers and Drew starts to dance, lip syncing along to ‘Wuthering Heights’:

Out on the wily, windy moors

We’d roll and fall in green

He’s uncannily good, nailing each of Kate Bush’s dance moves as he mouths along. From your spot on the arm of the couch, you fling your arms in the air, waving along in time to the music and matching Drew word for word in a perfect lip sync. 

When the song reaches the middle eight, Drew advances towards you and pulls you up to join him. Ordinarily you’d run for cover, but the Spooky Margs have relaxed your inhibitions just enough and you join in, widening your eyes and extending your arms as you beg Heathcliff to let you in at his window. As the song’s closing guitar riff starts, Drew wraps his long arms around you, playfully pretending to drag you off to some uneasy underworld before embracing you in a delighted hug as the other guests whoop and cheer.

You hastily retreat back to your seat as Drew takes his bow. Ben breaks off his applause and raises a hand to high five you as you settle back onto the arm of the couch. 

You’re not quite ready for it, your centre of gravity thrown off by the slightly awkward seating position and the effect of the drinks. To your horror, you begin to topple ungracefully off the couch in the direction of Evan’s living room floor, closing your eyes and bracing for impact. 

Strong arms catch you gently around the waist mid-fall and pull you back to an upright position. A slightly slurred, but reassuring voice: “I’ve got you.” 

This is mortifying. 

You open your eyes and turn to face him, wanting to cringe yourself out of existence.

“Um…whoops?” If the ground could open you up and swallow you now, that would be most helpful. 

But Ben’s wearing that contented smile again, evidently trying not to laugh but with a look in his eyes that reassures you he’s not making fun of you. Not in the slightest. 

You crack in unison, giggling like misbehaving children. 

You look down to where your left hand is still resting on his bare forearm, his shirt sleeves rolled up and exposing the warm, lightly golden skin below. 

He has arm freckles.

Lowered inhibitions or not, reality kicks back in. You move your hand away, concerned you’ve overstepped a mark. 

“Sorry. Thanks for catching me. Sorry.”

His smile fades and he reciprocates, pulling back and blushing as he pushes his glasses back up his nose. “It’s okay. I’m sorry, I… Just didn’t want you falling.”

Another tiny crackle of electricity goes off in your brain, as if an unseen force is soldering together synapses that have long been out of use.

The signal, this time, is a little stronger, amplified no doubt by physical proximity and Spooky Margs. 

You angle your body and reach behind you, catching hold of his left arm and moving it back into position so that it’s lightly bracing you, forearm against your back and hand holding you at the waist. 

“’S just in case I fall again. Safety is paramount.”

Ani, left alone for a moment while Tippi Hedren goes to the bathroom, leans round and looks at you both. 

“Could use a sholster holder for better counterbalance or some shit? Hold on to a sholster holder.” They start laughing at their malapropism. “Sholster holder. No wait, that’s not it. Sholster. Holder. No. Oh, fuck it.”

Ben looks up at you, coffee-brown eyes twinkling. 

“I am kinda curious about the sholster holder,” you say. “Never seen one before.”

“Oh, well in that case…” He motions with his head and taps the holster strap on his right. You extend your right arm, stretching across his shoulders to rest your fingers against the leather. 

The electrical current in your brain continues to pulse. 

Evan introduces a lipsync by “Musty Springheeled”, who performs ‘Spooky’. Musty had been introduced to you earlier in the evening as a mild-mannered poet called Dani. They’re transformed now, enormous backcombed blonde wig and layers of black eyeliner complementing their long black vintage-style dress. 

You sway gently to the music, careful not to overreach again. Not that you’d be likely to fall. Not with a large, warm hand at your waist and your fingers resting lightly on his shoulder. For better balance, as Ani suggested. 

Musty extends their elegant arms in front of them as they mouth the words, hands passing back and forth in front of their face:

Just like a ghost

You’ve been a-haunting my dreams

But now I know

You’re not what you seem

You feel the caress of soft, wavy hair against your neck as Ben rests his head on your shoulder. Instinctively, you reciprocate, lightly shifting your head to lean against his. 

Evan keeps an eagle eye on Musty Springheeled. Tippi Hedren has rejoined Ani on the couch, and they’re wrapped around each other and swaying along to the song, caught up in their own little world.

It’s only David, alert and observant, who notices just how contented the detective and scientist seem to be, nestled into one end of the sofa. 

“Fuck it. I’ll drive you guys. Come on, nerds. Party’s over.”

Evan, still in his Mother Bates dress but wig discarded, is jangling his keys at Ben, who yawns and offers a thumbs up in acknowledgment before grabbing his mac.

There isn’t a cab to be had in Barrow, but Evan is determined to get the local guests home so that he - and everyone else staying with him - can go to bed. Some of the visiting contingent have already left, decamping to an AirBnB the next block over. Others are staying in Evan’s guest room or on his couch and sofabed. 

Evan starts a head count. “Okay. So… that’s Lydia, Ben, Ani in the back, Dani up front. Right?”

Dani, still in their Musty Springheeled dress, nods. Ani appears from the kitchen, Tippi following close behind. “And Cass. Cass is, uh, coming with me.”

Who the fuck is Cass?

Tippi Hedren waves a tiny wave. “Hiiiii. I’m Cass,” they say in a quiet, sweet British accent. 

Evan cocks an eyebrow at Ani, then realises the numbers don’t add up. “Lydia, Ben, Ani, Cass, Dani up front… fuck. Fuck.”

You pull on your lab coat and knee-length wool overcoat, eyes half-closed with sleep and Spooky Margs. “I can just walk, y’know? Not too far.”

“The fuck you aren’t,” Ben mutters. “I’ll walk. It’s fine.”

Evan rolls his eyes. “You live further away, Benjamin! Fuck. Make it make sense.”

David’s eyes flit between you, Ben, and Evan. “Who would be getting out first?”

Ani and Evan point at you in unison. You raise a hand, sheepishly. “I mean it, it’s close.”

“I mean, desperate times etc. So,” David sets out his proposal, “Ben, Ani, and Cass go in the back. Lydia sits on Ben’s lap for the short journey. You drop Lydia off, you’re good for the rest of the journey.”

Your eyes widen. “I don’t think that’s legal!”

Evan rolls his eyes. “Of course it fucking isn’t legal. But I want you fuckers to go home.”

David turns to Ben. “And you don’t mind having Lydia on your lap for a few minutes?”

Your face heats. A side effect of all those Spooky Margs, you think. Ben’s ears have turned pink, too. Definitely something in the drinks. Crème de menthe has a weird effect.

“Sure. Sure! Mmmhmm.” Ben nods quickly. “But only if that’s okay with you?” He turns to you. 

There’s something endearing to you about the fact that, even with several extremely strong cocktails on board, even being more buzzed than you’ve ever seen him, and having spent most of the night holding you steady on the couch, he still wants to check that you’ll be comfortable. 

You nod. “Just a bit worried I’ll be too heavy, is all.”

Ben scoffs gently and shakes his head to assuage your concerns. 

“Oh, thank FUCK.” Evan exhales with relief. “Nerds! Come on!”

It must be twenty years since you’ve been in a car like this, perched on your friend’s lap on your way home from a party. You try to hold yourself up slightly, worried despite yourself about what Ben might think if he had to feel all of your body weight on his (strong-feeling) thighs. 

You’ve never been small, not as an adult. As a student you envied those tiny, petite friends who always seemed to appeal to men and women alike, their compact, light frame fitting perfectly on the lap of whatever lucky person they were flirting with at the party. They never had to worry about stuff like this, right? Too busy being picked up and carried around by boys desperate to assert some kind of masculinity, who never cast a second glance at the unappealing, taller, serious-faced friend.

That said, even if he did think you were disturbingly heavy, Ben hadn’t given you the slightest indication since you’d clambered into the back of the car and settled yourself around him carefully, balancing yourself by resting an arm over the back seat. He arranges his arms firmly around you.

“Like a human seatbelt, Lyddie.” You giggle sleepily.

He murmurs. "I've got you."

Evan drives carefully, the Barrow streets mostly deserted save for occasional groups of student revellers in costume. Ani is leaning into Cass, ostensibly examining the fake bird still sticking out of their carefully-coiffed hair, but in truth taking the opportunity to rest a hand on Cass’s knee. 

In the relatively cramped confines of the back seat, you have to lean your head on Ben’s shoulder to avoid thwacking your skull off the car roof. The scruff on his jaw brushes lightly against the top of your forehead. His breathing is steady, and oddly calming, but there’s this…frisson running through your body at the same time.

It’s been so long since you’d been this physically close to another person, the odd hook-up aside. No wonder it feels so good. Anyone would feel the same if they’d been a bit touch-starved. 

Right?

“So I guess this experience is fairly standard for the visiting professor?” you ask. He laughs, and you can feel it resonating against you from his chest. 

“Ohhh, yeah.” He pauses. “For the nice ones, anyway.”

Evan pulls up at the kerb outside your building. You open the door and unfold yourself carefully from your position on Ben’s lap, until you’re eventually upright. You wave cheerily and turn to walk to the main door of the building, smiling happily. 

You’re only a couple of steps away when the car door opens again. You look over your shoulder, instinctively.

He’s standing on the pavement, hands in his coat pockets, looking down at the ground for an instant before meeting your eye. 

“Hey, Lydia?”

(bookshelf divider by @animatedglittergraphics-n-more)

Further A/N:

Huge thanks to lovely @lunapascal and @julesonrecord for thoughts, excited responses, and reading parts of this in draft! And for introducing the word "frisson" into the equation... sigh.

The idea of Lydia on Ben’s lap in the car came from @cutesyscreenname, and this got me thinking A LOT about physical proximity for these two nerds and what it might unleash…

Costume references: Ani as Gary Oldman in Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992).

Lydia as Gene Wilder as Dr Frederick Frankenstein in the earlier parts of Young Frankenstein (1974). "It's pronounced Fronk-en-Steen."

Ben as Mark Ruffalo as Dave Tosche in Zodiac (2007) (that's him on the left, obviously). (Bonus: SHOULDER HOLSTER SUPREMACY)

Evan as Norman as Mother Bates in Psycho (1960)

Cass as Tippi Hedren in The Birds (1963)

This is the specific performance of 'Wuthering Heights' Drew does at Evan's party (this is one of my absolute favourite songs, ever, and I would have been just as into this as Lydia is):

'Spooky' by Dusty Springfield, lip synced by Musty Springheeled/Dani:

[durotoswrites]

The Shy Newcomer Update

Cover art by the amazing @acediee

It feels so good to share another chapter with y'all again. Thank you so much for your patience. I really want to allow myself to work on more creative endeavors this year, and that includes more updates to this story.

Chapter 128: Insecurities

Summary: Mary receives a phone call from an old friend, and Claire bumps into a potential new friend?

Read on

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or

Fanfiction.net

Snippet underneath the cut! 💖

“Hey!” she called out.

The man stood up with a start, mumbling under his breath. He turned toward her. “Yes? Can I help you?” He had the look of one who was being distracted from something very important and pressing, and she could see his patience wearing thin.

“That’s my house you’re taking photos of!”

“Ah, so you’re the one that’s living here now, then.” He put his hands on his hips and stared at the farmhouse a little too comfortably, Claire thought. “It’s definitely a change from last year, I’ll give you that. I can see you replaced some rotting wood. But I’ll have you know the textures of the old wood were amazing to get close-ups of!”

“Why are you here?” she asked directly, unsure of how else to address the issue.

He turned toward her, half indignant. “Why, I’m taking my yearly contracted photos. Would you want to be in any of these shots? I have a few poses in mind that would be absolutely charming!” He walked around her, as if scrutinizing a work of art.

“No thank you!” Claire didn’t mean to raise her voice.

He stepped back from her, scandalized. “Farmers… The old man never wanted to be in the shot, either, if I remember what my father told me correctly.”

“Why is this the first I am hearing about photographs?”

The man turned back toward his equipment, leisurely wiping the lens of his camera. “It sounds like a potential miscommunication from Town Hall.”

“Town Hall?” she parroted, allowing her hands to fall limp at her sides.

“Well, namely, Thomas.” Judging from the smirk he wore, Claire assumed he thought he was dropping a pretty big name. “Although I suppose most people know him as Mayor Schulte.”

Literally no one calls him that.

Claire held her tongue.

“Mineral Town has a lot of historical sites and landmarks. Their Visitor’s Bureau likes to keep their documents and photographs of the sights fresh.”

“Visitor’s Bureau?”

“That would be Thomas, again, my dear.” He continued his wiping.

[frikatilhi]

it’s sadly nothing too specific, but maybe it can still be a source of inspiration. I’ve been thinking a lot about Jere in that luchadora mask and Bojan training with that MMA champion. I’m sure they’d /enjoy/ play fighting (or maybe training together) a lot a lot…

Oh my god. Okay, confession time: Bojan’s instastories about training with that MMA champ did numbers on me, and I accidentally wrote a Bojan/omc pwp that I’m now just sitting with and wondering if it fits in another story or not or if it’s just doomed.

Anyway, here’s an answer to your prompt! Jere and Bojan sparring. I know nothing of sports, if you can't tell. 😂

Jere wasn’t sure if this was a good idea. But Bojan had asked so enthusiastically (“There’s even a Finnish sauna there! We can go afterwards and you can make fun of how wrong it is!”). Usually Jere was always up to trying anything new, and he had been working out a lot himself lately, if mostly only with weights, so he thought why not? Martial arts? Could be fun?

Now, looking around at the gym, he was having serious second thoughts. He wasn’t insecure about his looks, and he couldn’t care less what these dudes - ripped, sculptural, giant dudes - thought of him and his short legs and soft belly. But something about this place got to him, a little. Maybe it was the way some of these guys were looking at him, like they were sizing him up. Or maybe it was the way Bojan was fist-bumping everyone, laughing, excited, clearly in his element. 

Because Bojan wasn’t always like that. Jere had seen him at some of his low moments, and watching this Bojan, so giddy and carefree, felt awesome and bittersweet at the same time. He wanted to think he had something to do with it - he’d been like this at least since Finland, Jere thinks - but on the other hand, there could be a million reasons. Anything and everything could be behind Bojan’s new mood - making new music, touring, big stadium concert, meeting new people, maybe finding a new sport? Which, admittedly, to Jere seemed less like a sport and more like a form of foreplay, but hey, if Bojan liked it, who was he to judge?

Then again, maybe that’s exactly why Bojan liked it, and the thought sent an unpleasant jolt through him. He couldn’t deny that the sight of Bojan rolling around with some… thigh-master of a human, it woke something in him, something he maybe wasn’t super proud of.

“You ready?” asked Bojan, jogging towards him.

“Sure.” Jere followed him to the mat.

“Have you done martial arts before? Boxing or kickboxing?” asked Bojan.

Jere jumped on his feet a little to warm up. “Only cardio, with bag.”

“Ok good, so you know some basic techniques?” Bojan was also bouncing, moving his weight from one side to another.

“Sure, some, yeah.”

Bojan beamed. “Ok, so let’s do this!”

They started with simple one-for-one exchanges. Staying within punching range, taking turns. Slips, fakes, returns off of a block. They kept it light and easy, laughing as they went. Bojan showed him a few sequences that they then repeated until the movements were smooth. Jere found that he was enjoying himself, despite not being in his comfort zone. His hockey days might be far behind him, but the quick movements and core control required to stay in control seemed to come natural to him. 

After a while they moved into takedowns. Bojan had been working hard on learning them, so he was enthusiastic about showing off his skills. This required more contact, and soon Jere found himself pinned down, locked in between Bojan’s legs. Relaxing himself, admitting defeat, he started to get up, but Bojan pushed back, his thighs keeping Jere in place. 

“Say it,” Bojan said, laughing.

Jere huffed out a laugh, as well. “You want me to say it?”

“Yes, I think I do.” Bojan squeezed his legs a little harder. The sensation was… not bad, and it took Jere by surprise. He wanted to laugh it off, make a joke, but suddenly couldn’t think of anything to say. Nothing light-hearted enough came to mind, instead, his breath caught in his throat and he felt–

Shit. Shit shit shit.

“Okay, you win,” he breathed out quickly. Bojan stopped laughing. He let him go and stood up. He reached to pull Jere up, and Jere took his hand.

“You okay?” asked Bojan, looking at him closely.

“Yes yes, of course,” Jere said, trying to laugh it off. “Again?”

Bojan smiled. “Your turn to try!”

Maybe it was time he talked to Bojan, Jere thought. About… things. Maybe it would be better than accidentally getting hard while working out with him. Wouldn’t be any less awkward though, maybe. 

But that would be later. Now, he was ready to take Bojan down.

[deviantartdramahub]

Wow, you’re so overly sensitive that you’re attacking new users, which is totally not like me, even though I am clearly not a blocked user posing as a new user? How pathetically awful it makes me puke up all over my anime poster collection, yet here I am ranting about you because I am totally not a blocked user using an alt to harrass you. I’m starting to think that making all your so-called “villains' in your stories that they are a bunch of weak bad guys/mooks/minions to be defeated in every episode (even though I do not know it is clearly parodic in nature and and don't know what parody is because i'm a dumbass) is just you covering up how insecure you totally are, totally not unlike me who flexes their projections of hating TG by doing stuff like cutting off a male character's membership everytime we do a TG adventure, oh no i'm totally not projecting in anyway especially not how about much I hate TG. So, what are you gonna do, even though I know you are going to do it anyway? Block me, even though looking at my page you probably will do it any way because i'm just that predictable and totally not different than any other non-content using alt account? I can’t stop you, go ahead, I dare you to block me like you totally did to my other/main account which is not full of edgy FNF and werefandom tf shit. But I’ll take great pleasure in thinking about you typing on that broken down keyboard of yours covered in your bodily fluids even though I don't know what i'm going on about and i'm secretly crying behind my random weeaboo body pillow and my Werefandom fan-art someone made for me. Squinting through those ugly eyes of yours - even though i'm hiding behind a mask of confidence and masking my own insecuritieis, as you post your newest transformation fic while I post overly erotic transformation descriptions on every Werefandom art piece) about you sic'ing that bitchy koala-girl OC (even though she is just an OC and picking on fictional characters is something I cannot pick up on because I clearly am no better), a weirdo gross covid pathogen with eyes (I am only saying this because you threatened him on me and he is a fictional covid microbe and I should totally not be picking on other people's OCs when my own OC is just my idealized and totally not a self-insert version of myself) , and that MLP reject/insert unoriginal-glue-factory-joke-here (even though I wish Oatsie was as pretty as me, and I am secretly jealous of him, my OC is totally not a self insert you guys) on me. Because that’s when I win, even though you are the real winner and I am going to cry behind my anime character plushes and weep to the sounds of some obscure soundtrack while playing Friday Fright Funkin because i'm just an edgy teenage loser.' Sounds like she's projecting if you ask me, It sounds like to me she gets sooo triggered over absolutely everything I do, I misgendered her once, she got in a huff, I made a joke comment mocking her stupid comments, she attacks my OCs of all things. Oh yes, because it's totally fine for you to attack characters who don't even exist while also mockingly tell me to block you, hey Karen, you deserved it. Anyone who uses a 'new account' that has no content to just post rude comments even though someone blocked them is block evading. Yeah i'm beginning to think she got so triggered about it that she had to resort to another account to call me out. And unless she actually moves on and apologies, I have no choice but to say this about her.

[waxingrunes]

hellooo, im asking on the assumption that you use procreate but im obsessed w your line art and everything and curious on what are your top brushes to reach for, lots of love hope ur well!

I do use procreate yes and thank you, I remain very insecure about these things so I can’t really tell you how much joy all these compliments bring me. Like Tiny himself is zapping me with a million kisses.

I haven’t purchased any new brushes though I know I should and experiment more as this would improve things by a mile (creature of habit to my detriment), but the main brush I use for my outline is the ‘narinder pencil’. I use this to sketch out the rough shapes first then add a layer on top with a neater line to establish a proper shape. I tend to only need two layers to get my final outline but you can use as many as it takes.

For the block base of colour I use the untitled brush, because its settings are perfect for building roughed out shading and contour. From there (I have my iPad open for reference because I didn’t actually know) I go for a lot of the airbrushing brushes, the shale brush, and cotton.

I’m expanding a lot on brushes and trying to do research to get myself out of my comfort zone but these are the main ones I tend to use. Thanks for the question, hopefully we’ll see your art soon.

[shslskaterboy]

YOU'RE SO RIGHT THOUGH Komahina truly is such a good ship and I feel like it's the one implied most in canon. The way they compliment each other, they remind me of a yin and yang. If you have the time for it I'd definitely love to hear your Saiouma thoughts too because Saiouma is definitely one of my favorite ships (I analyzed their characters way too hard and just fell for them)

Yes absolutely 🙏🙏🙏

Something I actually like about saiouma is kinda the opposite of Komahina, and that’s the lack of in-game subtext. I don’t just mean that in terms of romantic subtext, but also just who Ouma is as a character, since you get absolutely no concrete backstory for him, and don’t even know if you can trust the small tidbit you do get with DICE, and because of this he can kinda be whatever you want him to be. He is purposefully shrouded in mystery because the theme of the game is truth vs fiction, and I think his character was meant to exemplify that theme by being unknowable. I’ve seen the claim that Kokichi is just a knockoff Nagito but I don’t think that’s fair because I think he’s very purposefully the way he is.

That being said, I personally buy into the hc that he is anxious and has trust issues, which is why he constantly avoids the truth and acts out the way he does in game (Weeby News has a really good ouma analysis on YouTube I would highly recommend if you haven’t seen it)

This hc is sort of the hinge of why I love Saiouma, because this puts them in a position of understanding each other, both fearing the power of truth, albeit for different reasons. This along with what in-game context you do get from FTEs is what drives it for me. All of the other characters write off Kokichi as a trouble maker, bad news, purely antagonistic, but if you do all his FTEs then that makes Shuichi the only one to extend the courtesy of trying to get to know him.

That being said, unlike Komaeda, Ouma does NOT care to submit to the terrifying ordeal of being known- at first. He is having fun with Saihara, he’s definitely a little gay boy for Saihara, but he’s not revealing anything; of course Shuichi sees Kokichi as an enigma, or even a puzzle to solve, which is why he keeps coming back. However, over the course of all FTEs and his Salmon-mode ending, Shuichi comes to appreciate Ouma for who he is- lies and all- and agrees to meet Kokichi in his level, literally hand in hand.

Again we come back to the idea that this ship is very mailable, as is seen by the plethora or pre, post, and in-game art and fics. There are AUs left and right because there is just so much room for adaptation: people can pick and choose exactly what they want Saiouma to be to an incredible degree. Of course my preferred dynamic is always going to be the A+ banter that you get with the introvert/extrovert, and because they’re both anxious and insecure in their own ways, I think this enables some very cute content.

I’m the end I do tend to latch on to what existing canon content there is cuz that’s just how my brain works; they compliment and contrast each other because they both understand the gravity of truth and lies, and I think they end up understanding each others different ways of using them. I think there’s a lot of room for growth for both of them, and I think they’re both in a position to empower and uplift the other on their character arcs.

I do think the game could have done a better job of giving subtext that they might genuinely care for each other (much the way Komahina does) but I do understand the reasoning behind leaving it more open to interpretation. Either way I greatly appreciate the levels of creativity that come from saiouma shippers, and I will always be a sucker for phantom thief AUs 😅

[mickmundy]

I wanna hear you talk about bushmedicine again. Do you have any thoughts about them that have been floating around in your brain recently? 👀

OMG UWAAA U ARE SO SWEET!!!! Oh Yes Always.,., hehe...

lately i've been thinking about how medic Interacts with sniper.,., i think in my writing i make this pretty clear but talking about it casually is a totally different vibe than doing so within the like. realm of my fics.., but i think medic's personality is one that can be a bit fickle and difficult to write! he's playful, sadistic, charismatic.,., patient and impatient.,., he's Unpredictable so that means writing him in a way that feels… Consistent can be a bit of a struggle!! i’m most insecure about how i write medic honestly, so trying to nail him means a lot to me since it’s something i struggle with so much!! i think medic loves being unpredictable and enjoys being an Enigma to people, even to those he considers friends. it excites him that he keeps others guessing!! but i think it would take someone like sniper to Truly capture medic’s… Romantic attention.,., someone who his relationship bleeds (ahah) from Professional-But-Friendly coworkers…

because i don’t think medic is one who runs around Wanting to be besties with Lots of people. i think he likes having Friendly-but-Distant relationships with Most of his teammates/coworkers and Likes that he can Affect people however he pleases with his Charisma but isn’t really. Truly Close with much of anyone (except for heavy)

… to Doctor And Greatest Achievement…

i think this would make both medic and sniper feel.. Complicated. i don’t think sniper was “traumatized” from the revival itself nor do i think he Actually went to heaven; i think it was a vision/dream/whatever you want to call it and i don’t think he was traumatized by his death. i don’t even think he has trouble wrapping his head around the fact that he WAS revived! but i think it baffles him that medic would even Want to revive him. and i think he has Unresolved Feelings about his parents (despite the “closure” we get in the comics when sniper goes to heaven. i think that’s something he’d Dwell on)… so he feels Complicated about the “fallout” of the revival and not the Revival itself if that makes sense.

to medic, sniper is a miracle. his first revival, living proof of his genius that’s as real as anyone with eyes can see… the uber hearts are works of art too of course, but people can’t see those. people can see sniper, alive, thriving, good as he ever was… That means a lot to medic. and medic’s always been good about keeping his doctor-patient relationships just that. he’s Friendly/Is Friends with the other mercs but doesn’t bear any Emotional Attachment to them (except for heavy, who i think is his best friend)…. but what medic doesn’t anticipate is that Feelings.., Can Grow Where They’ve Never Been Before… and that’s never happened to medic before.

…. to something….. complex…. and Strange……. and New……

both medic and sniper think that once feelings are felt they just stay that way forever (which is Supposed to be ironic given medic’s ability to be cunning/manipulative)…. this Thing between them sneaks up on both of them… and sniper is emotionally immature but medic is Very in touch with his own feelings… falling in love really is something that nobody can prepare for….! something i love about the ship itself is that i think they’re both flawed people and i don’t think they’re “star crossed” or “soulmates” or anything like that…. i think they develop feelings for each other and work to be together because that’s what being in love is about imo… they fight to understand each other and love and accept each other unconditionally…. sniper always wants to push these feelings down and away because he’s always sworn its easier to “feel nothing at all” (even though he’s actually a very emotional person… as we know from his in-game and comic lore!)… but according to medic, part of being alive is the joy of feeling… and things that invoke feelings are… worth feeling, no? :-) and felt with pride, not felt with shame or regret… hmm, well, medic Is very charismatic… perhaps he can persuade sniper to see things his way just a little bit!

that’s just something i think about <3… HEHEHEE

[heavencasteel420]

Can you do director’s commentary on Nancy’s letter drafts to Jonathan? 🥹 The one where she pretends she got Barb back killed me

Thank you for the ask! I'm so glad you liked the Barb letter; it was a late addition and I'm very fond of it myself.

(Some discussion of suicide and Billy being gross below the cut, not beyond what appears in the fic.)

Okay, so first of all, the Regular Letter:

Dear Jonathan,

I hope that you're doing well. I thought I would write to you to ask how things are going in Indianapolis. I know we didn’t really talk when you were still in Hawkins, but I was thinking about you the other day and wanted to see how you were.

What’s it like living in a city? I know it’s just Indianapolis, but I bet the record stores are better. I remember you liked all that art rock stuff. It’s probably nice to be in a place with more kinds of people, too. It gets a little boring around here.

Things are about the same for me. School is going well, even though I’m about to tear my hair out over chemistry. I’m still going out with Steve Harrington. You are probably making a face now and thinking “Ugh, Steve Harrington.”He’s actually matured a lot, though. And maybe you’re actually wondering why he’d go out with dorky Nancy Wheeler. Well, I haven’t matured a lot. I guess I’m about the same.

Do you remember Barb Holland, my best friend? There hasn’t been any news since you moved away. I don’t think she would’ve gone to Indianapolis, but could you keep an eye out for her?

Mom and Dad and Mike and Holly are all doing well. I hope you are, too.

Sincerely,

Nancy

Nancy's being so normal right now! She's very carefully trying not to brush up against any of the things about Jonathan's life that might be hard or weird or bad, which is difficult because all she has to go on is that he lives in Indianapolis with his dad and not in a mental hospital. (She remembers his taste in music, though!) She's sharing totally benign news about her own life

...and yet she's already getting a little weird with it. She brings up Jonathan's presumed dislike of Steve when (a) that's not something he ever shared with her and (b) it's not really a lighthearted topic, given that Jonathan's reason for disliking Steve is his obvious disdain for the Byers family. (I did have a draft where she says "ugh, Steve Harrington" in the letter she sends to Jonathan, and Jonathan's like "yes, Nancy, that's exactly how I said it, because I'm actually a Valley Girl now, how did you know?")

Her self-loathing also creeps in, albeit in a mild way. Her reasons for feeling not good enough for Steve are way sadder than her initial insecurity over him being cooler and slightly older, but she's still acting like Nice Girl Nancy in this letter so she reverts to that. And of course she asks about Barb.

(She crumpled up this letter and put it in the wastebasket because she thought it sounded too stupid.)

Now...the Mean Letter.

Dear Jonathan,

How are you doing? It doesn’t matter, because I’m about to make it worse, just like I always do. Maybe you remember the day I came up to you in the hallway and said I was sorry about Will. Maybe you don’t, because too many horrible things happened afterwards and there’s no reason you’d remember one wimpy girl offering her pathetic condolences. Either way, that’s maybe the last nice thing I ever did, and it wasn’t much.

Nancy's mostly being mean to herself here, but this would also be a super-fucked-up letter to send to Jonathan. She's just so angry at herself that she's indulging this fantasy of being horrible to other people, too.

Why am I writing to you, then, when I never talked to you when it might have actually helped? Well, hear me out: I was drinking in your old house with a bunch of kids who used to make fun of you for being weird and poor. That’s what people do in your old house now: drink and stare at the evidence of your mom losing her mind, like a bunch of ghouls. Tommy Hagan was one of them. Remember how he used to say you’d murdered Will? He feels kind of bad about it since you tried to kill yourself. Anyway, I drank too much bourbon and hallucinated your brother’s ghost. Just thought I’d let you know, in case you were nostalgic for the worst three months of your life. God, I hope they were the worst.

She's more actively ashamed of hanging out in his old house now (although, being Nancy, she's eventually going to be like "well, I did find Will's ghost, though!"). She's also recognizing that, even if she wrote it in a nice way, bringing up this false hope has the potential to be incredibly cruel.

What else is new? I let Billy Hargrove (you don’t know him, he moved here after you went away, but he’s an asshole) touch my boobs at a party, even though I’ve been going out with Steve Harrington for a year. I know Steve was always rude and snotty to you, but, trust me, I’m way worse than he is. I think Barb would hate the person I am now. Maybe she already knew I would turn out like this, and that’s why she left.

Her self-loathing is sharper and more specific here. She's not just hateful; Barb would hate her, and she caused Barb's disappearance by being awful. This is, of course, pretty nonsensical, given that (a) Barb couldn't predict the future and (b) if Barb could see what Nancy was going through, she would recognize that her drinking and her brittleness and her apathy are the result of losing her. She would be very sad!

I almost hope that’s true. If she left because she hated me, that would mean that she decided to leave, instead of being taken away. That would mean maybe she’s okay.

Anger is easier for Nancy to deal with than the grief underneath it, but the grief still works its way into the letter. She's probably a little drunk when she writes this.

I could probably get sued or even arrested for writing this letter. Recklessly using the U.S. Postal Service to inflict emotional distress or something. Maybe you can tell your dad to stop trying to sue the quarry and set his sights on Queen Bitch Nancy Wheeler instead.

I don’t know why I’m saying all of this to you. You don’t deserve it.

Sincerely yours,

Nancy

Again, this would be a fucked-up thing to say if she ever sent the letter, regardless of Jonathan's feelings about his dad. She scribbles over and tears up this letter, partly because she's horrified by it and partly because she really doesn't want Karen to find it. Karen totally goes through her stuff.

And the Barb Letter!

Dear Jonathan,

I know it’s probably weird to get a letter from me. We only really knew each other through Mike and Will, but you were always nice to them even when they (almost always Mike, let’s be honest) made me want to tear my hair out. I’m really sorry about everything that happened, and I should have written sooner. In my defense, a lot of things have been going on.

This is the only letter where Nancy really talks about Mike, who is mentioned throughout the non-letter parts of the chapter as being depressed and withdrawn. She's both concerned about and detached from his suffering; it doesn't occur to her to reach out to him herself. It's only in the fantasy letter than she can really acknowledge him.

When you left Hawkins, I was still going out with Steve Harrington and my best friend Barb was still missing. Neither of those things are true anymore. Steve was actually a good boyfriend. I know he wasn’t always great in other ways, but he really tried to be there for me when Barb was gone. I wasn’t a very good girlfriend. I was just sad all the time and picked fights with his friends. Not that it’s hard to get into fights with Tommy and Carol, but mostly I hated them for not being Barb.

After she came home, there wasn’t really any reason for us to keep dating. I just wanted to spend time with Barb and he didn’t feel like he had to look after me. He’s with Chrissy Cunningham now. You probably remember her—she was always really sweet and cute, and she made the cheerleading squad sophomore year. She’s good at it, too. Anyway, I’m really happy for her and Steve.

Deep down, Nancy knows what she wants and needs to let Steve go, at least as a boyfriend, but that's excruciatingly hard when she cares about him and he's her only friend...except for maybe Tommy and Carol, whom she assumes would stop hanging out with her if she broke up with Steve. And she does have some positive feelings towards them, too.

Chrissy, of course, has her own problems, but to Nancy she's an avatar of Ideal Teenage Girlhood.

Barb really did run away. She took a bus way out West, to some little town in Nevada. She worked as a waitress and lived in a dirty house with a bunch of other girls. She says it was exciting sometimes, and the desert was beautiful, but mostly it was just hard and lonely. She wanted to come home pretty soon after she left, but she couldn’t face everyone after scaring them so badly. It was only after some asshole stole all her money that she called home.

Nancy has, without realizing it, constructed a Desert Hearts scenario for Barb in her head. She's going to hold onto that lesbian dream even though she is only barely aware that Barb might've been gay.

I was mad at her for maybe five seconds after I found out, because I’d worried something worse had happened, but I couldn’t stay that way. I was too happy to have her back. Besides, she was going through a lot of things I never knew about. I won’t go too much into it because it’s her private business, but she felt really alone and some of that was because of how I acted. She thought I was going to ditch her for Steve and his friends. I don’t think I would have. I love her too much. But I can understand why she thought so. I think some people can be good no matter what happens or who they’re with, but I’m not one of them. I didn’t like who I was with Steve and his friends, and it wasn’t even their fault. It was me.

Nancy's kind of overcorrecting here. Obviously she was not immune to peer pressure as a high school sophomore, but as we see in canon this is a function of youth and circumstances, not an essential wishy-washiness in her soul. This is the girl who, at a crucial popularity-making moment, offered her condolences to Jonathan when the people she was with clearly thought it was weird and unnecessary.

I wish I’d talked to you in between coming up to you at the bulletin board that day and writing this letter. I knew things were bad, that your mom wasn’t working or even leaving the house anymore, and you always looked so tired in school. My mom was worried about you both. I didn’t feel like I could do anything to help, because I was so messed up myself, but maybe it would’ve made a difference. Which is maybe why I’m writing now. I have no idea how things are for you in Indianapolis. I don’t expect you to write back to me and tell me. But, if you want to write me, I’d like to hear from you. Mike would probably also like to hear how you’re doing. He misses Will, too.

Yours truly,

Nancy

She's not being totally fair to herself here, either. Even Karen, an adult with some resources who cared about the Byers family and recognized there was a problem, couldn't figure out what to do on her own. But the instinct for noticing and connecting is a good one.

The Final Letter!

Dear Jonathan,

I’ve tried to write this letter a bunch of times, but I don’t think there’s any getting around the fact that I’m doing something weird. We never really talked before, except in passing. It wasn’t because I had bad feelings towards you. Our lives just seemed so different. You always seemed like a miniature adult, looking after your brother and working to pay the bills, while I was reading Seventeen with Barb and fantasizing about marrying Mikhail Baryshnikov.

This is a pretty blunt thing to say, that she noticed his life was hard and she found that alienating. She's getting farther and farther away from writing the letter the way she would to a real person; this is a note in a bottle, a message beamed into space.

Also, I strongly believe in younger Nancy's crush on ballet dancer and Soviet defector Mikhail Baryshnikov. My mom is almost an exact contemporary of Nancy's, and that was her junior high crush.

I almost didn’t come up to you at the bulletin board that day, because what could I say to you? My biggest problem was trying to date Steve Harrington without hurting Barb’s feelings or strangling his friends. Isn’t it strange that I thought that, and the very next day my own best friend disappeared and no one seemed to know what to say to me? Barb’s parents are the only other people I know who would understand, and of course it’s worse for them, but they’re so optimistic that she’ll come back that I feel like the worst person in the world around them. Because I think she’s dead. Maybe you remember me screaming in the hallway about it, after I broke my own hand. I don’t do crazy stuff like that anymore, but I still believe what I said. I can almost believe that Barb would run away, that something was making her so unhappy that she couldn’t stay in Hawkins and for some reason she couldn’t tell me what it was, but I can’t believe she would leave me and her parents without letting us know she was safe. She was responsible. She loved her parents. She loved me.

Nancy and Steve aren't regularly having dinner with the Hollands in this universe, because Nancy doesn't feel a special responsibility due to knowing the truth. They're still in town, though, and holding on to the hope that Barb is alive. This is part of why Nancy doesn't say anything to Jonathan about Will's voice; she knows how cruel hope can be.

She's a little more clear-headed here, though. No matter how bad she feels about her last moments with Barb, intellectually she recognizes that they probably weren't enough to drive Barb away and that something is off.

I feel like I moved to another country after she disappeared. Everyone else I know is still in America and I’m in Kiribati. Do you feel that way, too, or is it different because you’re in a new place? I’m not trying to say our situations are exactly the same, but I think you might understand what I’m feeling more than anyone in Hawkins. Why didn’t I talk to you before? I saw you, drifting through the halls like a ghost, and I felt bad.

She's not consistently keeping in mind that he might read this letter. She's expressing compassion here, but she's also calling him a ghost, which is pretty messed-up.

I don’t really understand why I did anything back then, honestly. Did you know I poured pig blood all over Officer Callahan’s car last May? (His personal car, not his cop car—I wasn’t that stupid.) He acted like a pig the first time I talked to him and Officer Powell about Barb disappearing, making it all about how I had sex with Steve Harrington that night. He did that in front of my mom, and he looked really pleased with himself for embarrassing me. Like he was knocking me down a peg for thinking I had something important to tell the police, and that was way more important to him than the fact that Barb was in danger. I guess I was still stewing about it months later, because I got drunk and bitched about it to Carol—you remember Carol Perkins? Big hair, bigger mouth?—and she said I should do something about it. So she and Tommy Hagan helped me get some pig’s blood and dump it all over his car the very next week. I think that’s why I’m still friends with them. They’re assholes sometimes, but it wasn’t easy to get all that pig’s blood.

Nancy "Fuck Tha Police" Wheeler, everyone. Powell and Callahan are mostly comic figures in the show, but their behavior when they're questioning Nancy in front of her mom in S1 is so incredibly gross, especially Callahan's.

Carol and Nancy might not get along, but she's not gonna let some sleazy cop insult her sort-of friend! Tommy was like "oh, this fucks, actually" about it.

This is another instance where Nancy is being super-frank, in a way she might not be if she really expected an answer from Jonathan.

Steve—I’m still going out with Steve Harrington—thought we took it a little too far. He’s nicer than me, and he was worried about me getting in trouble. I did, of course. Callahan didn’t press charges, but my parents had to pay for repairs. Dad was so confused. He actually asked if I wanted people to think I was a Manson Girl. Mom made me go see a psychiatrist, who was almost as disgusting as Callahan. I didn’t even know a woman could be that gross. All she wanted to do was talk about why I had sex with Steve when we hadn’t been going out that long. Like wanting to have sex with a good-looking guy made me a nympho and that was the real problem. I don’t know if you’ve seen a psychiatrist, but, if you have, I hope it was actually helpful and not a stupid, humiliating waste of time.

Nancy kind of gets off the hook for being a nice white middle-class girl, plus all of Hawkins knows why she's Like That. Karen's intentions are good, but Ted's indifference is a powerful force, especially when the first psychiatrist is bad.

She's sort of acknowledging some uncomfortable facts about Jonathan's life now, and maybe kind of fishing for info.

Mom stopped making me go pretty soon, at least, since I’d calmed down and Dad kept pestering her about the bill. I still do messed-up stuff, but I’m sneakier about it. I drink a lot. Bourbon is my favorite. I also let this really sleazy new senior, Billy Hargrove, put his hand on my boob at a party this Halloween. It wasn’t a surprise or anything. He gave me more than enough time to say “I have a boyfriend” or move away. I wanted to let him, because he was looking at me like I was something gross he’d stepped in, and that was how I felt.

Billy makes a move on Nancy mostly because she's Steve's girlfriend and he feels the need to knock Steve down a peg so Billy can be the Big Man on Campus. (This may also be a way to channel his own attraction to Steve—either way, it’s not very nice to Nancy.) But he’s also intrigued by how much she hates it. Also, this isn’t a case where Nancy freezes up, but that could have very well been what was happening so Billy is doing something kind of shitty.

You probably don’t want to hear any of this. I would understand if you threw this letter in the garbage. Even if you do, I want to let you know I’m glad you’re alive. That was the only good thing to come out of this whole mess.

Love,

Nancy

Nancy lashes out and distances herself a lot in this fic, but she has a lot of kindness in her heart and she really means this, partly just because Jonathan is a fellow human being and partly because she’s holding onto the idea that someone got out of Hawkins and was able to be happy. This is also pretty blunt of her—she’s acknowledging the suicide attempt—but in this case her directness is actually pretty necessary. He hasn’t heard this much, if ever, between Joyce not knowing he tried to kill himself and Lonnie refusing to acknowledge (to him, anyway) that the attempt was serious.

[turbulentscrawl]

Hi there! I was wondering if I could request a matchup for Identity V? I love your work! You manage to capture the characters personalities accurately! It’s very refreshing! Also sorry in advance, this submission is very long 😔

For my preferences, I’m a heterosexual woman, so I would prefer to be matched with a male character!

Currently, I’m attending college as a dual major (psychology and sociology) with a minor degree in law. I’m still deciding what career path I want to pursue. Right now, I’m torn between forensic psychology or becoming a therapist for victims of crimes. I’d say I’m pulled toward the ladder, because I feel like victims aren’t focused on enough and they deserve to have access to such a resource. I feel like I’d make more of a difference in that line of work and my heart feels more invested in it.

For hobbies, I enjoy sketching, kickboxing, playing video games, creative writing, listening to music, cleaning and playing around with makeup.

As for my personality, my MBTI is INFJ and my enneagram type is 6 (the loyalist).

I’m usually quiet around new people but I’m friendly when spoken to. I take a bit to fully open up. I’m polite but guarded, so to speak. And since I am introverted, my friend circle is kinda small since I prefer quality over quantity.

I can maintain conversation well and have been told that I come off as pretty confident person, though I’m really not. I’m not deeply insecure either, more so, I just think of myself as in the middle if that makes sense. Normally, I’m a very calm person but I do like cracking jokes (sarcasm) and teasing people and can seem quite chaotic sometimes (because of my stupid ideas and occasional risk-taking) but I also know when to draw the line.

Kindness is a virtue of mine, as I like to help others whenever I can. That said, my love languages (giving) is physical affection, quality time and gift-giving. When I have the money, I love to spoil those I care about! Even more so if it’s a person I’m romantically interested in. I just like knowing they’re cared for and showing that they’re appreciated in the small ways. On that topic, my receiving love language is physical affection and quality time. I like gifts, but I’m more content just having that person near me. One hug (or cuddle session) is good enough for me! I’m affectionate but I can lay off if needed.

I’m considered to be fairly open-minded and understanding. I’d like to think I can read people pretty well and can adapt to whatever they may need. For example, if someone is quiet and prefers to have space, I can give them that easily. Additionally, I like learning about new perspectives on almost anything! I like to make people feel safe around me, like they could tell me anything and trust that I’ll listen and won’t judge them. I believe firmly in balance and equality and prefer to avoid conflict (if possible) so I’d say I’m a pacifist at heart, though I am not afraid to resort to aggression if I have to. I can be very cruel if I feel like it, so I try to avoid lashing out (verbally) because I feel guilty for causing harm afterwards. Sure, I love martial arts but I try to remain disciplined, I believe it shouldn’t be used to hurt others besides defensive reasons. Hurting others or seeing other people hurt upsets me. In fact, I’m the first one to speak up when I feel like something is an injustice. My friends tell me I have a “strong sense of justice,” which fits I suppose. It ties into my stubbornness because man, I can be VERY stubborn, especially when I am angry or annoyed. Funny enough, it takes a lot to make me truly angry. I can get annoyed at things (like at arrogant people or people not taking a hint) but I can stay mostly composed and brush it off. Unless someone insults my friends or family, I don’t get angry much. That said, yes, I have a protective streak. And if someone is younger than me, it doubles tenfold.

Unfortunately, I have resting bitch face and have moments where I can come off as kinda stoic. I tend to feel my emotions deeply and I also suffer from anxiety, so sometimes I just shut down and become very bleak for a while, usually from overthinking. I prefer to be alone in moments like these, at least until I recover. I usually bounce back within a few hours or days.

Another flaw of mine is that I get distracted easily and I don’t function well without a schedule. I need one to stay productive, otherwise, I can be lazy.

Lastly, relationship deal breakers…arrogance or refusing to be vulnerable AT ALL and clinginess. I also CANNOT stand people who try and pressure me into conforming to what they want. I’ve had guys try and pressure me into being more submissive (I’m very independent) or traditionally feminine, which I hate. I’d rely on my partner, trust him and accept him WHOLLY, but I expect the same in return! If a man accepts me wholly and treats me as an equal, I would allow him to be the more dominant one in the relationship. Basically, lack of respect and inequality is a major turn off in a romantic relationship.

Sorry this was so long! Have a great day/night! 💕

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I Ship You with Eli Clark!

-I'm getting the "high-school sweethearts" vibe from this matchup! You and Eli share a lot in common, with both of you being kind, empathetic, and pretty patient people. I can see the two of you becoming fast friends, and the relationship just naturally develops from there. I honestly can't see there being many, if any, disagreements between the two of you.

-Eli sees you not only as an equal, but as his literal other half. Eli likes people for their hearts, so it doesn't matter to him what sort of societal "role" or "dynamic" you two fall into, just so long as you both take care of one another.

-He prefers to give Physical Affection! Quality time is sometimes a little harder because he's such a natural leader and well-liked person, but when he is with you he likes to be touching in some way. Holding hands, linking arms, whatever you prefer is good with him. He just wants the skinship. He may struggle occasionally with receiving gifts from you, but only because he feels guilty if you spend large sums on him.

-You're on the same page as far as injustices and standing up for other people goes. Eli's calm nature lends itself well to his charisma, so he advocates on behalf of other people a lot. It would make him proud for you to do the same as well--but please, please do not start any fights. Finishing them is something else...though he still doesn't like it.

-Eli is very emotionally available and is usually pretty good at comforting people when they feel down or anxious. As his partner, you'll be his top priority with things along that line, so expect him to try pulling you out of any slumps with a helping hand.

Runner Up: Antonio