#yeah why not I think the pussy’s genetic

[royaltea000]

Drawing Gil with long hair and getting kinda emotional at how much he looks like his father ;w;

[figthoughts]

heat - alec mcdowell 18+

warnings: smut, (alec x gf!reader)

*ೃ༄

your body physically ached as you looked over at your boyfriend. you could feel the frustration boiling through your veins, making it virtually impossible to think about anything other than getting your pussy fucked.

you were in heat.

the absolute worst part of your feline dna. it was almost painful how desperate you were to get off and find relief.

alec was sat on the opposite end of the sofa, watching the tv, seemingly oblivious to your little problem. how could he have no idea about the frustration that coursed through your body? why couldn’t he tell you were a little… stiff?

all you could do was press your thighs together and keep your mouth shut, trying not to moan or make any inappropriately forward comments towards him.

it was embarrassing going through your heat cycle. of course, alec had feline dna mixed into his genetic cocktail too, but he just didn’t get it. he wasn’t a woman. the pain and ache that thudded between your legs every time you looked at a man, let alone your sex-god boyfriend. it was painful.

you sighed and let your mind drift off to the idea of alec bending you over and- wait, focus! no, don’t focus on him… or his hands. oh my god, his hands… no! but look at his thighs… fuck, you’d just like to-

“you alright?”

alec’s soft voice snapped you out of your trance. fuck. did he catch you staring?

you cleared your throat, “yeah, course.”

you glanced up at him with a forced smile, your eyes finding his piercing green ones. you watched them narrow, almost as if he was studying you.

“really? cause you look kinda… uncomfortable,” he chuckled smoothly and smirked.

“no- uh- just… just fidgety,” you nodded slowly.

“yeah, i can see that, babe. you keep staring,” he grinned and turned his body in your direction, “what’s the matter?”

you groaned almost silently. look away, please, look away! was all you could think. you were about five seconds away from jumping on him.

“nothing!” you replied a little too quickly. you turned your head to look at the tv, averting your gaze. you couldn’t hold on for much longer, not when he was looking at you like that with his big plump lips and those flirtatious eyes and that big dumb grin on his face.

“baby,” he laughed, “i can tell something’s wrong. you look like you’re gonna explode. did i do something… say something?”

alec moved closer to you on the couch. you had to hold in another groan. don’t come closer, god…

“no, nothing…” you mumbled and kept your eyes on the tv.

alec furrowed his brows, his signature smirk still stuck on his face, “so if i’m not in the doghouse… then it’s what, babe?”

you bit your lip and bounced your leg. you couldn’t look at him. not right now.

alec moved his hand to your knee, a seemingly normal gesture between the both of you, but in your current state… god.

“baby, talk to me?” he murmured and squeezed your thigh. he shifted closer to you again.

alec felt your body tense up as he neared closer to you. his brows furrowed and the smirk turned into a soft smile.

“come on, baby. talk to m-”

“alec, if you don’t remove that hand from me right now, i’m going to lose it,” you said lowly, turning your head to face him. your breath hitched as soon as his eyes locked onto yours.

oh, fuck.

“wha-”

you leaned forward and smashed your lips against his with pure desperation. alec laughed and let you push him back onto the couch, your legs moving to straddle him.

his arms wrapped around your waist and he pulled you closer to him, enjoying your sudden mood switch. he grinned as you moaned loudly into his mouth and started grinding against his thigh.

alec squeezed your ass and broke the kiss, “oh, this is why you’re so fidgety, baby? so needy and-”

you didn’t have time for this. no time to talk. your cunt ached and your entire body felt like it was on fire. the last thing you needed was small talk.

you shut him up with another kiss, finding his lips again with such force. your hands moved themselves straight to the waistband of his sweatpants, before diving in and finding his length.

alec chuckled breathily and looked down at your hand desperately pumping his semi-hard cock in his boxers, “babe- babe! slow down… don’t you want this to be a little romantic?”

your eyes snapped up to his. he dropped the smirk and gave you a quizzical look as he saw the sheer desperation in your expression. alec’s face softened and he nodded. without saying anything, he picked you up and carried you effortlessly into your bedroom.

he laid you down on the bed and crawled on top of you, your arms instantly wrapping around his body like a koala, your cunt grinding against him in desperate need of friction and your mouth attaching itself to his neck.

alec grinned, “oh, you need me so bad, don’t you?”

you whimpered and pulled your face back to look at him. your face hardened involuntarily, “need you inside me now, alec. stop fucking around,” you groaned and started tugging his shirt off.

he laughed again, highly amused by your no-bullshit attitude. he wasn’t mad at it, he liked seeing you acting so desperately for once.

he flung his shirt off with a smirk and looked down at your flustered state as you eyed him like a piece of meat. his hands moved down and found the hem of your shirt. you sat up a little and he pulled it off you, discarding it on the floor with his.

alec leaned back down and pressed soft kisses along your jawline and down your neck, leaving pink little marks scattered across your skin.

you groaned loudly and pushed him back, “no. i said i need you inside me. now, alec,” you almost commanded, your hormones making you so unashamedly needy.

alec laughed and raised his hands, “alright, alright. if you wanna play, we can play,” he smirked and yanked your pyjama shorts down.

you let out a huff you didn’t realise you were holding in as you watched him throw your shorts and panties behind him carelessly.

“oh, sweetheart,” he chuckled and rubbed a finger along your pussy, “you’re so wet.”

you scoffed and scowled, “can you just fuck me already? i’m- ugh!”

alec lifted his finger to his lips and cleaned off your arousal, “mmm. patience, my sweet girl.”

“patience…? alec!” you whined his name. you could feel your pussy throbbing, your walls achingly desperate to be wrapped around him.

he chuckled again with such a damn smug expression and it pissed you off.

“now or no blowjobs for a month.”

his eyes widened in actual concern.

“fuck, okay,” alec began pushing down his sweatpants and boxers, letting himself spring free.

your lips parted as you saw his cock bounce against his stomach. you involuntarily let out a moan, which made alec grin and move back over to you.

“say please,” he teased.

you groaned, “please. please just fuck me, alec. baby, i need you so bad it hurts.”

alec grinned again, moving his hand to his cock. he jerked himself real slow, letting you watch as the precum pooled at his head. he saw the hunger in your eyes, your pink swollen lips still parted as your breath hitched.

he leaned over you and lifted your thighs, wrapping them around his waist. you whimpered and locked your ankles together, as if to say ‘you’re stuck here now, you have to fuck me’.

alec positioned his member at your entrance, his tip brushing against you teasingly. you let out a whine and smacked his shoulder, “alec!”

he smirked and slowly pushed himself inside you, inch by inch. he could feel you clenching around him, the warm tightness of your pussy welcoming him in.

you gasped as he bottomed out, his tip hitting your cervix. alec watched your face with his signature smirk. he loved it. no matter how many times you’re together, he always loved seeing that face of yours. the one where you feel him fill you up completely. the one where you’re stretched out and feeling his cock pound against your cervix.

he slowly pulled his hips back, taking a moment before shoving his cock back into you and finding his rhythm. his movements were slow and almost teasing. you whined again and pulled him down to you, his chest pressed against your tits.

“faster... and harder,” you begged with your face scrunched as you clung to him, his eyes locked on you as he moved.

alec let out a huff of air in amusement as he sped up, “okay, baby.”

his cock slammed into you as your walls wrapped tightly around him. you watched his face contort as you clenched around his member. the room filled with groans and grunts, and the lewd sound of your skin meeting.

your pussy still ached as he stretched it out though, you needed more. you needed as much as you were physically able to take.

“a-alec… need more,” you breathed out as you clung to him, your arms wrapped around his neck.

he lifted his head and looked down at your face, his breathing laboured as he thrusts, “more? okay, i got you.”

alec’s fingers moved to your swollen, sensitive clit, rubbing rough circles. your hips jerked up as you whined and dropped your head back into the pillow.

“fuck- that’s it…. don’t- mmm, god- don’t stop, baby- i- mmm…” you rambled on in ecstasy, the ache in your pussy finally started to dull down as it was replaced by extreme pleasure.

this is what you had been aching for.

“fuuuuck, babe. you’re fuckin’ squeezing me so tight,” alec groaned, dropping his forehead to yours and shutting his eyes.

you felt his warm breath on your lips as he huffed with every thrust. your lips parted and desperately searched for his. you couldn’t get enough of him.

alec leaned down and connected your lips, letting his tongue tangle with yours. you moaned and whimpered into his mouth as his fingers sped up on your clit.

he broke the kiss and he rested his forehead against yours again, “mmm, you feel incredible, baby.”

you scrunched your face and let out a deep moan. alec moved his lips down to your neck, gently biting and sucking on your favourite sensitive little spots. you couldn’t help the moans and sighs that left your lips.

“mmm… alec, so good… so close…”

you felt him smile against your neck and his fingers sped up on your pussy. the knot in your stomach tightened as he thrusted even harder into your cunt, his tip slamming against your cervix.

white hot pleasure washed over you as you came on his cock, your walls fluttering around him, earning little grunts from alec against your neck as he felt you squeezing him.

your groans were so loud and whimpery. you could feel yourself gushing on his length. it felt so good, you were nearly seeing stars.

your head lazily bounced on the pillow at his thrusts and you let your eyes flutter shut, enjoying the feeling of your boyfriend finally being balls deep in you after yearning for him all day.

alec suddenly pulled away from your neck and looked down at you, slowing his thrusts, “babe, flip over,” he ordered.

he pulled himself out and you let out a whine in protest, immediately missing the feeling of him inside you. he waited for you to flip over onto your stomach, before grabbing you quickly by the hips and pulling your ass up.

you grinned lazily into the sheets, letting him manhandle you however he wanted. he positioned you to his liking before slipping his cock back into your pussy.

“ohhh, fuck,” you whined, feeling his tip brush against your gspot as he slowly started to thrust. his cock felt unbelievably good.

“how’s that, angel?” alec cooed and grabbed a handful of your ass, squeezing it roughly.

“mmm, s-so good… harder please,” you begged, moaning into the sheets.

alec chuckled breathily, slamming into you harder and faster, “there we go, baby. you’re taking me so well.”

his hands kept squeezing your ass and the sound of his skin meeting yours filled the room. you arched your back, desperate for his cock to keep slamming into your gspot harder.

“so pretty, baby. such a pretty girl. my pretty girl,” he spoke softly and slightly laboured.

alec landed a smack on your ass and you let out a yelp. your pussy clenched around him as the coil in your stomach tightened.

he chuckled as his cock twitched inside you. his hand came down on your ass again with another loud smack.

“fuck!” you cried out softly, feeling the sting. alec’s hand rubbed over the reddening skin.

“s’alright, baby. relax for me,” he grunted. his movements into your cunt sped up even more, his tip now slamming against your gspot. thank god- no, thank manticore for his superhuman genetics.

you whined and cried into the sheets, feeling your orgasm building. your pussy squeezed around alec’s cock as he slid in and out.

the noises and words that left his mouth were filthy and so, so damn sexy. you could tell he was close. and it only made your pussy clench harder around him.

“f-fuuuck… gonna cum, baby,” he groaned out.

you whimpered and nodded into the sheets as your neared your own orgasm. you were so fucking close.

alec’s hand landed a smack on your ass again, earning another yelp from you. your walls squeezed around him and he groaned loudly, his thrusts quickening into a sloppy mess.

alec hit his climax and he shot his thick warm ropes of cum into your cunt, painting your walls white as he grumbled and moaned behind you, his hands desperately squeezing your ass.

“fuuuuck…” he groaned.

the feeling of him filling you up set off your own release, the coil snapping again in your stomach. your pussy clenched around him like crazy as you melted into the bed.

“mmm…. god, alec! fuuuck!” you moaned, your voice muffled by the sheets.

alec’s breath was laboured. he slowed down his thrusts, still gently fucking you through your orgasm as you melted beneath him. he watched you lovingly as you came undone.

“such a good girl,” he commented, “you’re so fucking good… feel fucking amazing, baby.”

you chuckled breathily into the mattress and smiled at his words as you tried to catch your breath, your pussy still gently fluttering around his softening cock.

“t-that was-” you began.

“yeah…” he laughed slightly. his movements came to a still and he sighed, a big dopey grin grew on his face, “we gotta fuck like that more often.”

you hummed in response and gently turned to look at him. alec pulled out of your cunt and grinned as his cum slowly poured out of you, a sight he never misses whenever you two get intimate.

“my girl,” he hummed, “stuffed full of my cum.”

you rolled your eyes playfully as he grinned at you, “mhm, as always.”

alec laughed and spanked your ass again, though much gentler this time. he rubbed over the place he just smacked and sat up properly with a fond smile on his face.

“cm’ere, baby. we’ll clean up later,” alec said breathily and laid against the headboard, his arms pulling you to him.

you let him pull you against him and he kissed your temple, “you feeling better?”

you nodded and relaxed in his arms, “yeah, so much better.”

“mmm, could tell you needed a good fuck,” he grinned as you rested your head on his chest, his hand coming to play with your hair.

“oh, yeah?” you scoffed softly.

“oh, i know you’re in your heat cycle, baby. i can smell it,” he laughed with his signature shit-eating grin back on his face.

you scoffed again, “that’s disgusting.”

“yeah, but it’s true. it’s in my dna. i can always tell when you’re like this. i was just waiting to see how long you’d take to crack.”

“oh, you jerk!” you lightly smacked his chest and lifted your head to look at him, “why didn’t you help me earlier?”

“s’kinda fun to see you bouncing around the place, too embarrassed to just ask for my cock,” he smirked down at you, his hand still in your hair.

“oh, shut up,” you smiled and rolled your eyes.

A/N: oh my goddd finally finished this. i hope u enjoyed!! i lowkey loved writing this even tho it took so long !!!! ugh anyways alec is so fine #needthat

feedback and requests are welcome and encouraged!! <3

[cordycepsfem]

Pageboy Readthrough, Part Seven

Previously

the entire thing was awful from start to finish

we learned nothing about Canada

but that's not why it was awful

it was awful because EP details several instances of sexual assault, homophobia, and rape

she says briefly that she felt like a weight was lifted when she came out

but it didn't last very long

your reviewer stopped because Chapter Nine opened with sex and she just couldn't take it

Now

Chapter Nine

as previously stated this chapter dumps us immediately into sex

and your reviewer immediately has some questions

okay, so, first - both "my dick" and "my pussy" = got it, sure, whatever

"queerer than ever" when just performing lesbianism = sure, whatever you need to call it, EP

"magnets sucking"?? is this meant to be sexy? has EP ever stuck two magnets together? did they make a sucking sound to her? does she think "magnetism" and "magnets" are correlated? what the fuck is this meant to express?

in conclusion:

and also, I know I said would take up a sword and go off to fight whoever EP told me to, based on her backstory, but now I think she owes me like $50 (CAD is fine) for having to read that and parse it with my own eyes and my own brain

remember, throw "cis white gay" in front of anything and it's cool to denigrate whatever comes after

EP, who do you think built the bars? Why do you think they're all gay bars? Maybe it's because of the gay community there... c'mon, I wanna give you the benefit of the doubt, but... you have to work for it

I am now running a tab a la "Cinema Sins":

also, nobody likes a bragger, EP. I like to write, then eat, then sleep too, but you don't see me bragging about it. It's just... Thursday.

also I'm dying to know who this "Madisyn" individual is because I am dying to know what she was writing at the same time EP was banging (no pun intended) this out. I'm crossing my fingers for fanfic because I would be roundly disappointed with something like "tracking genetic diseases in Victorian England"

EP continues to make friends and influence people:

yes that was a bad joke for me to make on a post about the f-slur and yes I do feel bad for her for this entire scenario but I feel I am owed some levity considering that I just had to consider EP "getting hard" on sweatpants

FSlur Man chases EP to a convenience store

it forces EP to remember a similar time she was homophobically attacked

okay, so, let's talk about this

I want to believe EP 100% on all of this because a) I know how shit the world is and b) I exist as a lesbian in it

but "This is why I need a gun"? are we sure? this smacks of "look at my attacker's right wing politics" to me and I feel so badly that it does but I am, as previously stated, a very specific type of asshole (one who is incredibly jaded, apparently)

I have never been to West Hollywood and I have no idea what kind of mentally ill people live there, so obviously my own sense of "is this true or not?" is fallible

either way, gay-bashing and threatening gay and lesbian individuals is wrong and I feel like that should be stated in case someone reads this and thinks I'm doubting her or I'm somehow on the side of the attacker(?). yes, I know how weird that sounds, but the internet's a weird place.

your reviewer is sighing because I just don't know what to say about this anymore

being attacked is awful and wrong and should not happen

why are these things not reported to the police? why did these men's faces not end up on Twitter, with cries to find them and get them fired, as is asked of so many of us when we see racists or similar bad actors in the wild?

yeah yeah, I know, believe women and don't question why they did what they did, but I know in my heart that if something like this happened to me I would be filming. I would call the police.

also the third season of Umbrella Academy sucked and I'm putting that half on the shoulders spoilers of EP for wanting Vanya to transition (which was fucking unnecessary because trans actors go on and on about not always needing to play trans characters and offensive because we finally had a lesbian on a show! who wasn't killed!) and half on the shoulders of the show who not only bought into her transitioning her character with absolutely no evidence leading up to it ever, which is shit writing, but also because all they did was run around and yell each other's names and then kill off a bunch of characters we didn't even know for just... funsies, I guess

anyway it was shit and the fourth season better have some big balls to fix all of it or I am going to roundly and aggressively review it

ah, hell, I'm going to do that anyway

where were we?

ah, yes, the "we live in a society" portion of the evening

I want to say a lot of things here but all of them are bitchy and I'm trying to let that not be me

I feel as though many people do not see trans men as "real" men because they are not male, and the correlation is not between "anger" and "masculinity," it is between "anger" and males

it is not females who commit the vast majority of violent crimes and express anger so openly in our society with such ease, it's males

it has nothing to do with whether or not those men are masculine or feminine

or whether or not those men identify as men or not

there are plenty of trans women who are violent as fuck

and in fact many of them seem to be making it "their thing"

so long story short:

Get fucking angry, EP. Be angry about what's happened to you, because a lot has happened to you to be angry about. Fight the fuck back in whatever way feels best for you to do so.

As someone who also has a lot to be angry about from childhood, my teenage years, and then in my twenties, as I dealt first with bullies and mean girls and aggressive boys and just absolute assholes, as well as the Catholic Church, but then moved onto being treated poorly by the medical establishment as I tried to navigate being chronically ill in a world not built for it at a time that I was not prepared to fight for my life... I have found ways to let the anger out. It still sits in my chest and it builds and it squashes into a tiny origami box behind my sternum.

I let it out when I refuse to let anyone define me.

I let it out when I go to therapy.

I let it out when I decide what I like, what I want to do, where I want to be, who I want to be.

I let it out when I make decisions about what my life will look like in the future.

I let it out when I am joyful. The people who tried to break me and ruin me didn't, and I am still alive to be incredibly happy.

I let it out when I am around other women. When I am around my sisters. We are still here.

Find your sword, EP. You've got a bunch of us behind you.

(Also you owe me approximately $64.80 CAD for this chapter. I take Venmo.)

[blkkizzat]

Haiiii babes!!!! Hope u been well 😙

(Literally just came from rereading plug choso once again to keep it fresh in my brain hehe) istg i love him so bad but….nicki was right, trauma is the way. Him sharing that blunt with gouda bitch has me steaming every time smh. I would fuck cho infront of her but she dont deserve to see the dickk!

Venus in gemini and mars in aries HELP HSJKSKSK NO OKAY U and toji would be so good for each other 😭 yall can play games and he drag u back in so u dont get too bored hehe. My mars is in leo and my good friend studies astrology and she deadass do be saying thats the corruption kink placement hehe, plus i got some virgo in there too so my shit is obsesseddddd with corrupting purity whoops (and obsessive + possessive AF like i wanna be someone's first and their everything) which is so true cause i be fucking with ppl to make em obsessed with me and ion even want them jdksks. I js cant do virgin reader bc i have a SA trauma which sucks bc there are so many virgin reader fics and i gotta sit em out which is why i flock to shit like otaku!gojo where the man is a virgin like that heals me so much u have no idea lmao (even tho this pussy can squirt by itself, i would show virgin gojo all the tricks hehe) Yes ma'am i do fuck w astrology, and recently tarot a lil bit 👀 got me a lil reading and erthing hehe

Tbf i dont feel like u have a truly irredeemable character because they all have some sort of bg story (okay lets ignore reader from gf!choso literally killing a man bc DAMN when i say the dialogue you gave him had me stressing tf out, like i almost had an angry cry when he was airing out shit at the party. The bat scene from there was so iconic tho) like even plug choso, reader is a brat but i rlly feel like its bc shes an overachiever which i vibe w soooo hard. She's the definition of "honey u need to get some dick and RELAX" bc she trying to do it all and none of it is for herself. Im similar so i see her bratiness as a defense mechanism iykwim. Ngl the ending of pt 2 had me scared bc like i can dish it out, but i cant take it LMAOOOOOO like choso shared a blunt w some other bitch and i was already in tears istg he gon have to make that up to me smh. YESSSSSSS i love with the characters are still downbad for the reader even when she's a bitch like, thats the kinda ride or die i wantttt.

I feel u bc i cant do angst that effects the reader lol.

Guestprofessor yooooo i love that dynamic!!! I rarely read gojo (or geto too) bc i rarely find a version of him that doesnt turn his charisma into fuckboyness like it just aint for me, but w.e the girlies enjoy :p

Ohhh i do need to check out those websites even tho i have nowhere to go rip. I love me a gown but they almost never reach past my shins 💀 got that damn amazoness genetic smh

LMFAOOO ur so real for that. Tbh cho could be a virgin and id still talk to him like a two dollar hoe 😭

Sending u all the good vibes frrrrr its always fun chatting w u too kali babes 😚

🍒 anon

Awe you are so sweet reading it again. I hope I can get the next part out tonight for u, I’m getting 2 people to read so once they are done I will make changes and post. 

LMFAO im crying cause you are like the 3rd person who told me that part had them heated. But hehe funny you should mention fucking him in front of her…. *shhhh*

Yeah no I would need the games to keep me interested lmfao. Oooh corruption kink!  you know until Choso I never had one of those but I just want to ruin him dskhfkjhdkHSa. But relatable, sometimes you just flirt because you can LOL

Oh no, im so sorry to hear about your SA trauma. I completely understand. While I don’t necessarily have drama, I think another reason I lean towards bimbo!reader is I don’t like how society places a woman’s value on virginity. It’s a totally different thing that wanting to be someone’s first or even corrupting, cause im into those kinks too. I don’t like when it seems like the whole value of them is their virginity if it makes sense. 

I actually own a tarot deck too! But I haven’t studied it enough to do it on my own. I’ve had mine done by friends before though!

Lmfao yeah gf!choso reader is also a bit crazy, when I eventually do the p3 to that, it will go into more of how she doesn’t have bloodlust like choso, and actually wants him to slow down a bit so he doesn’t get caught (gf!choso finds himself not needing to kill as much bc he has reader as a stress release). But she doesn’t have qualms with blood or the fact he’s a serial killer lolol. She kinda slow lowkey lolol. Her mind: “killing is bad. But I love Choso and he loves me so Choso is good too.” I mean she joined his major cause she watched Dexter so she aint the brightest bulb. jhdfkhdskjfhsd. <3 Unlike plug!choso sorority bimbo tho, she is never ashamed of Choso and wants him to come to frat parties as her date (which he reluctantly goes to because he’s whipped and jealous as all hell). Ahhh I rambled about this too much lol

Oooh how tall are you if you don’t mind me asking? Im 5’7 and some of the gowns I got from there drag a bit so maybe you’d have more luck with them!

Mwahhmwahhh babes <3333

[bemylord]

↠ ᴛʜᴇɪʀ ʀᴇᴀᴄᴛɪᴏɴ ᴛᴏ ꜱᴄʀᴀᴛᴄʜᴇꜱ ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴏᴅʏ ↞

characters: gojo, sukuna, itadori, megumi, nanami, toji x fem!reader.

warnings: smut, aged up, marks/bruises, creampie, daddy kink [toji and nanami], oral [fem!receiving], degrade and praise kinks, grammar errors.

a/c: or s/o gave them scratches on their body. hc + drabble. kento's, toji's, and sukuna's part might be rough. also i may used inappropriate word don't blame me.

ɢᴏᴊᴏ ꜱᴀᴛᴏʀᴜ:

would be teasing you in the morning for being too horny to suppress your nails. although, he doesn't hide the fact he adores the little pain when his clothes touch places where you left stripes.

also likes those moments when you're leaving fingernail marks on his thighs or hips whilst sucking his dick. it'd be better spelled if i specify that gojo using your head as a toy for his pleasure.

would praise you for marks you've given him, labeling his muscular body as yours, letting your fingers traveling all over his back to the chest, outlining every muscle.

prefers to do it slow but deep, touching the spongy coil inside you with his every push, feeling your hands on the back as you're trying to take his dick, being capable of not losing your mushy mind at his sharp pushes as how he's overbearingly fucking you.

'giving me all your juices and marks you've gotten for your master' satoru might be playful during the training time, but you've known he likes to talk dirty and be dominant railing you. those marks perfectly suiting on his skin so why not leave them?

despite being overdose with your cum and a facial expression - you opened your mouth releasing ragged whimpers and arching your back, approaching towards gojo's chest in the climax, cumming all over the base - he'd thrust in you more 'till you'd turn into the drooling mess below.

'yes, honey, you're doing good, so good. constricting my dick so good' obscene squelches become louder, as you could feel satoru's released on your stomach. 'you did so well, honey, i'm gonna take good care of you'

ɪᴛᴀᴅᴏʀɪ ʏᴜᴊɪ:

okay, i think itadori would be the softest boy through all monsters we've got here.

but don't let his innocent face trick you. despite of the fact that most of the time he's a soft bun, he'll make you scream.

ok, make you scream and be asking if he isn't tempestuous.

he'd be disconcerted if you asked him to heal his back. for what? he thinks is a sort of a recall so he could remember what the two of you had been doing in the night and how loud you were while giving him your residue of cum.

he might take some photos of his skin pattern in marks so he could ogle at 'em later, repeating seconds where you were patterning his back.

'take off your shirt, yuji. i'll heal your back'

poor itadori is sitting on the couch totally discouraged as he heard your request. he glanced at you with a bambi look: eyes wide open, as if you said something vulgar. he aimlessly rubbed the back of his head, tossed his head back.

'but i like your marks, baby'

he whined, grabbing your palms in his, forcing you to sit on his lap, wrapping arms around your waist.

'you gave those stripes because you.. you were feeling good, yeah?'

you put your head down at his question but nodded, putting your head on his chest, hearing his heartbeat.

'then i don't need your recovery, baby, let your marks stay until you'll add new ones'

ᴛᴏᴊɪ ꜰᴜꜱʜɪɢᴜʀᴏ:

let people know what sex is. let it be a slogan for your intercourse.

he could fuck you all night due to his long-term capability and would be smug after intercourse as he'd watch the disorder [?] you did on his biceps.

mostly biceps, cause a man knows the main destination of his tongue, masterfully giving you an oral. goddamn that tongue.

he'd let you scratch his back as he'll know that it'd be possibility to show off the mark his love gave him. on other days, you're pulling his hair into your pussy, burying him even more, letting him to destroy you before the fun will start.

his arms full of red stripes. though it wasn't your fault - how can you inhibit yourself while toji is literally eating you like a meal?

'being waiting for my tongue, huh?' he's a teaser - you're at the edge of the bed, baring your dripping pussy to the one he can lick you as you need to whilst teasing and degrading you.

'being waiting to be demolished by me you little whore, don't you?'

you grabbed his strong biceps, dotted them in half-moons then squeeze as toji peeks at you.

'answer me, slut!'

his low voice makes you open widely your legs as not closed to squeeze his head. he's running his tongue on your crotch and labia, teasing you, forcing you to say how reckless and anguished you were without his tongue and fingers.

'yes, daddy, i-i've been waiting f-for you' you sharply breathe, letting out the whimpers, feeling his tongue playing with your swollen clit.

'i'm about to ruin you tonight, are you ready?' he giggled once more, getting into the little game he's been waiting for since he left the house.

ᴍᴇɢᴜᴍɪ ꜰᴜꜱʜɪɢᴜʀᴏ:

it is in their genetic code to make a woman scream but since megumi hasn't got a huge sexual experience as his father does, he'd be tender at first, asking abt your well-being, if he can move, etc..

when he watches at the mirror in the morning, he finds out his back and a few shoulders are drawing by your nails.

he'd be overwhelmed and speechless as he saw a reminder of the night.

'gumi will make up an excuse, sort of: 'i got into the fight with a curse, nothing special'. itadori'd have been asking him if he's okay, how it was but satoru isn't a naive one.

deep inside would be proud of himself that only he could put you on the pleasure, privately enjoying those patterns.

'y/n?' he pronounced your name in a question way, rubbing his shoulder aimlessly, as you glanced at him. you let out a quiet mooing as a response, staring as to how megumi taking off his school uniform.

'would you mind heal me a little?'

you smiled, coming closer to your boyfriend, grabbing a tube of medicine on the way.

'don't think i don't like your.. marks, just-'

'don't apologize, 'gumi, it's kinda chaos on your back' you giggled at your comparison, running with medicine on red stripes. his tensed and muscular body is overwhelming: those abs and pretty strong arms conquering every time you've got an opportunity to ogle.

'tho i love the chaos you made'

ɴᴀɴᴀᴍɪ ᴋᴇɴᴛᴏ:

i'm certain you'll be scratching his back because nanami is packing - big dick energy, lol.

screaming his name as you've been drawing illegible patterns, mostly on his wide back, so lately he'd smirk at his reflection in the mirror.

those nights when you're trying to fill the lack patterns on his back by drawing lots of geometrical figures or promiscuous tracery.

every move with his tight white shirt at the office makes his stoic face change as he reminisces the night you gave that pleasant pain.

he wants to find half-moons littering his biceps as you were holding 'em while giving creampie on his dick.

if you want it spicy - trail your fingers on his back suddenly, giving nanami little goosebumps to switch his mood.

'darling, you want me to stop?' he unaware question left you desperate as nanami stopped pumping, left a soft kiss on your forehead. 'am i fucking you way too hard?' seldom moment of nanami being tender as he gets used to fuck recklessly 'till you'll be a dripping mess under his cock.

you didn't see fit to answer the question but smack your lips against his, as a silent response named: 'i'm fine, my love, you can move' your wet, deep, and in some way subtle kiss that doesn't fit on the action you've been doing. you trail your nails from the back of his neck to the coccyx, ogling as to how his facial expression changes.

'you want to be used like a slut you are, don't you?'

you couldn't respond, only purr as how nanami suddenly turned on into daddy. feeling how your empty pussy being filled out with a thick kento's cock again as he's making a demolishing [?] pushes.

'get what you want, slut, scratch my back so it'd dotted lately with your nails'

ꜱᴜᴋᴜɴᴀ ʀʏᴏᴍᴇɴ:

as for that rough man..

he gives hickeys - you give him patterns on his back.

he'd be exceedingly obsessed after had seen your marks on itadori's body. still, itadori is a vessel for him, so sukuna will be even more self-satisfied. why? a little reminder for the owner who took possession of your body at the night.

once he'll take possession of the body, itadori it'd be or someone else, he won't stop himself as long as his back will be patterns of yours nail on it.

he does literally everything to make you scratch his back, whether it be licking your swollen clit to the way your legs got shaken or fuck you on his lap.

'let the bastard see what matures did it the night' his pace increase as he uttered the phrase that makes the butterflies in your belly thrives off.

his lowly and husky voice intermingled with ragged breathing, little drops of sweat on his hairline as he crushes devastating punches, letting your moans out of your mouth.

you're digging into his skin on the back as he masterfully target into the spongy coil in your stomach, feeling as your orgasm is building up with his every hit. he wants to see his back littering in patterns of your nails, wants to have that sweet but stinging pain in the morning.

's-sukuna, ugh~' you let out a whimper as your cunt constricting creampie on his dick. he chuckled as your hole clenching his thick cock while nails trailing all over back.

//~~//

idk i start always from sukuna and i've got inspiration only on kento's part, that's why nanami and toji might be rough than a king.

[restapesta]

23. Don’t you get it? You’re the only one I can be honest with.

Mickey takes being alone with Ian for granted. He really does.

It's quite sad he only realizes that when he's not alone with his ginger life companion—specifically when he's stuck in a moving car with him and fucking Phillip, feeling like a pussy for not having the guts to just open the door and jump out.

Did Ian put child's lock on his door, what the fuck?

He can't do this. It's a fifteen-minute ride to the Gallagher house and Mickey won't be able to survive it. No fucking way. Why did Ian have to say yes to picking Lip up from work? Did he know what hell he would be putting his poor husband through, huh?

If college bitch says something about his shitty delivery job one more time, he swears to God—

"And you know what the best part about this shitty delivery job is?" No. Please, God, make him stop. "Bathroom? Doesn't even fucking exist,"

If Mickey had a gun, he'd stuff it in his mouth.

From the corner of his eye, Mickey sees Ian's gripping the wheel slightly tighter, his knuckles turning white, his tongue bitten between his slightly clenched teeth. Sadly, only Mickey can see him be so frustrated from the passenger seat. He wishes Lip would lean over from the back and see how fucking annoying he really is with his constant babbling.

Maybe it's good he didn't bring a gun with him—Ian looks like he'd wanna stuff it in his mouth, too.

Does he have child's lock on?

"Anyways," Lip breathes out and Mickey focuses on the buzzing of the AC so he wouldn't have to endure the brainwashing his brother-in-law's—why him?—voice is doing.

Ian seems to be thinking the same thing, his eyes rolling discreetly to the back of his head, staying there for a moment or two.

Mickey's torn between telling him to keep his eyes on the goddamn road or just letting him crash their new car into a pole. At least then they wouldn't have to listen to the yapping that's filling every nook and cranny of the fresh interior.

Their car had never seemed so small. Since when is Mickey so claustrophobic? There used to be so much room.

Oh right, Lip's ego is taking up most of it. How could Mickey forget?

"Oh, yeah," He says suddenly, and Ian and Mickey share a look. What now? Will he ever stop? "I meant to ask you about your meds, Ian. You told me you were visiting your doctor or some shit like that."

Mickey reclines back in his seat, lips pursing as he waits for Ian to fill Lip in on the new prescription and its side effects, and whatever other shit Mickey's already got written down in the notes on his phone from when Ian told him in detail about it.

He had been pretty down when he came home from seeing his doctors, listing off all of the shit he was worried about with the new therapy and adjusting to it. He even had a couple of sleepless nights that resulted in him seeking out different pharmacies to buy sleeping pills, which ultimately led to a night of sleepless vomiting because the cocktail of pills didn't really bode well for Ian's stomach.

Mickey doesn't mind reliving it. Doesn't mind listening to his husband talk about the things important to him and things that Mickey should know about.

And, truthfully, Mickey's already come face to face with the fact that he likes knowing about all of Ian's shit—they're already living, sleeping, and working together, so the prospect of knowing that new meds give Ian diarrhea if they're taken on an empty stomach doesn't really seem like a TMI-type of thing to know.

When Ian's related, nothing and everything is pretty much TMI.

"Oh," Ian responds after a moment of silence. His eyes aren't focused when Mickey turns to look at him. It seems as if he's racking his brain around for the proper words, yet can't seem to find them. Eventually, he just lets out, "Everything's the same. Nothing new."

Mickey knows that's not true.

"Didn't you say you were being put on some new shit?" Lip's confused. Mickey is too.

Ian was put on new shit. Shit that landed him with a week of goddamn exhaustion and a fucked-up stomach.

"No. It's the same."

"Oh," Lip mutters. "Okay then."

And he continues to go into another monologue about why being a delivery boy is such a shitty job to have with a mind of his.

Mickey stares at Ian's side profile for as long as it takes him to turn around and meet his eye. It takes him long—in fact, Mickey's pretty sure Ian won't be turning around any time soon.

Why would he lie? Why would he hide the fact he did change his meds when it's really not that big of a deal?

Mickey's even more confused by it because Ian had ranted about his doctor's appointment the day of it, nearly talking Mickey's ear off. He had been annoyed, relieved, and worried, all at the same time, and the entire Tuesday was just spent with them talking about bipolar like the mundane thing it was.

So, why wouldn't Ian just want to retell that shit again? It wasn't as if he didn't still have frustrations over it. Not like he wouldn't fucking jump on the chance to talk about his biggest concerns the second the opportunity presented itself.

Why then?

Lip's still talking and Ian's still not looking at him.

Mickey places a gentle hand on his thigh, trying to get his attention. In response to Mickey's thumb running over his husband's jeans, Ian just places a hand on top of his, picking it up and raising it to his mouth until the rough skin meets the smoothness of his lips. When he finally looks at him, there's a plead in his eye. An answer to Mickey's unasked question.

Later.

"Ugh, can you guys not do that here? Since when did you become that couple?"

They both ignore the dumbass in the backseat of their car. Ian turns to look ahead, and he pushes his foot down visibly on the gas pedal, and Mickey knows that the time until they're able to drop Lip off is cutting shorter.

"You guys are really annoying with that mind-reading shit, you know that?"

Mickey breathes in deeply.

Five more minutes. Just five more minutes and they'll be alone.

Ian's hand doesn't disentangle from his, but Mickey does move them so they're laying on top of his leg, palms pressed tightly together. He squeezes at it once.

Ian squeezes back.

There's a faint mumble from the back.

"I fucking hate being the third wheel."

Mickey barely stops himself from jumping into Ian's lap, just in spite.

Instead, with his free hand, he just flips him off.

---

They're driving to their place when Mickey finally asks the question. They've been alone for a couple of minutes now, after a prolonged—much to both their dismays—goodbye to Lip in front of the Gallagher house. As soon as it was appropriate to, Ian peeled out of the driveway, putting as much distance between him and his family—his annoying-ass brother—as he possibly could in a record time.

At first, Mickey fiddled with the radio until he landed on some radio station that played pop-shit music, lowering the volume until the Taylor Swift song—he hates that he knows it—was just a hum filling the silence. Ian isn't speaking, but he doesn't seem tense.

He seems just as always, shoulders even further relaxed—slumped, actually, because he has the posture of a question mark—now that Lip is out of the car and in the hands of the others to deal with.

"So," Mickey starts casually when his weirdo of a partner starts singing lowly to Lover on the radio. It's a song they only listen to when they're feeling sappier than usual, but Ian tends to always be sappy, so none of this sweet singing shit was a surprise for Mickey. The lyrics coming out of Ian's mouth still make his chest swell pleasantly, despite him barely holding himself back from rolling his eyes. "What was that?"

"Hm?" Ian's eyes momentarily move to eye Mickey. They go back almost immediately. "What was what?"

"What was that thing with Lip?" The question isn't meant to be judgmental nor accusing. Mickey really is just curious.

It wasn't him whom Ian had lied to. But why did he lie in the first place?

Ian shrugs, lowering the volume with the switch on the wheel even further until they can barely hear the soft voice.

"I just didn't feel like telling him." Is the simple reply.

"Why?"

"Because."

"Ian."

"Mickey—"

"Come on, man, don't give me that bullshit."

"I'm not—I don't," He exhales roughly as if finally forcing himself to admit to something he doesn't want to admit to. "I don't like anybody knowing about it. It's nobody's business but my own."

Mickey makes a face, still confused as fuck. He gets the reasoning behind the words, but it's just not clicking in his brain. Maybe Lip really did brainwash it. "You say you don't like anybody knowing, but you told me."

Ian glances away from the road and sends Mickey the type of look that says he thinks what Mickey just said was the dumbest thing possible. It's incredulous.

"You're not anybody, Mick."

And that's sweet and all, but—

"Lip's not anybody either."

Ian sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose with his fingers, dramatically exasperated. "Don't you get it, Mickey? You're the only one I can be honest with. Completely transparent."

Mickey doesn't know why he's still pushing, but fuck, there's no way. "You can be transparent with Lip. He'll hear you out, give you advice. Won't judge you." Why is he defending Lip again? "I'm not the only one who understands."

"Yeah, but you're the only one who isn't annoying about it. If I wanted Lip to know, I would've called him straight away. But instead, I talked to you. Mickey, you're a dumbass if you don't see that you're the only one I want to tell."

Well fuck.

Mickey blinks. He actually is a dumbass, but that's already been genetically proven. This is something else.

Mickey feels Ian's words deep in his chest. His heart jumps to his throat—it's one of the best things Ian could've said to him. It doesn't feel fucking real.

"Really?" He asks pathetically. It's not like Ian would lie; he's always had a knack for saying everything that's on his mind. Mickey loves that about him right now. It's just that—Mickey? He wants to tell Mickey about it and nobody else?

Ian smiles at him. "Really, babe," Mickey blushes as the nickname. "You know just how many questions to ask. When to listen and when to talk. When to give me advice and when to tell me to get out of my own head." Ian's eyebrows furrow. "Lip doesn't know how to do that. Not like you—"

No. Mickey will not cry. No. It's just eyeball sweat.

"—With you, I know that I can say whatever is on my mind and won't feel like shit about it. It's fucking liberating, having somebody like that."

Mickey breathes in deeply. Fuck Ian for using his words like this and making his heart squeeze impossibly. Why is he so fucking perfect all the fucking time?

How did Mickey get so fucking lucky?

"Yeah," He responds dumbly, out of breath—because it legit is logged up in his throat at the moment. He clears it. "I guess that's what best friends are for."

And the grin Ian sends him in response to the sheepishly-said sentence is enough to make butterflies explode inside Mickey's belly—ugh, no, he's supposed to be past that stage, for fuck's sake.

Ian's still grinning as Mickey's whole face probably turns the shade of Ian's favorite vegetable—maybe that's why Ian likes it when Mickey blushes—and he has to avert his gaze so he doesn't go even redder than Ian's hair.

"Best friends? I feel honored, Mick."

"Shut up."

"No, for real."

"Shut up."

Ian laughs and spares Mickey the embarrassment by raising the volume up on the radio, the song now booming loudly through the space.

Ian glances over at Mickey right as he starts singing it joyfully, a wide smile on his face. This is the Ian Mickey knows and loves—happy Ian.

Mickey's favorite Ian after the horny one.

Mickey's chest swells with pride. He ended up with Ian. The Ian who loves him unconditionally; who knows just the right to say and when to say it; who just told him Mickey's the only one he can be real with.

I can only be honest with you, too. He wants to tell him. I only am honest with you.

Instead of saying the words, he starts singing himself, and the screeching voices of two men stupidly in love are seeping out of the slightly opened windows, the wind whooshing them away.

I can only do this with you, Mickey thinks. I'm only this free with you.

Judging by the way Ian's smiling, Mickey guesses he's thinking the same thing, too.

"Darling, you're my, my, my, my lover."

[waterfallswords]

;

Seraphina's laughter tunes brighter, although with it being at expense of Damian Wealthington there's a slight spitefulness to the sound. "Oh God, it was nothing horrific. Just awful to look at. Very 80s. A lot of bush. He didn't use his real name back then. Have you met Saf? She can get it up on google in seconds. Think he tried to bury it. Naughty boy." Seraphina gleams with amusement, laughing away about the instructor. Her smile remains when she watches the petite shifter for a moment, waving her hand above Ines' head. "Shame about this, you'd be perfect for some shows." she remarks simply before nodding at the statement about genetics. "I bet she's adorable. Is she here tonight? I don't really know Santi very well, honestly I thought he was yours and Isla's dad? Until she said uncle." it becomes obvious that Seraphina's preference is for the topic to be about herself, offering a sweet smile at the comment. "Yeah, it is. When I'm not stuck at the institute as a mentor." she answers with a laugh. "You're very sweet, but it's all make up and angles." Seraphina feigns a humble tone, even if the slight swish of her hair is anything but.

The Sinclair can only give a shrug of her hand at the question, her shoulder lifting slightly. "Just depends on practices and traditions. Certain spells need things too, we can't just go waving our fingers for everything. I think it's a channel, you know? Gives something more oomph." she explains, surprised she even remembers any lessons about the practices of witchcraft around the world. "Every so often an unheard of coven will pop up with a completely different way of doing it, so. No way of knowing, really." she adds finally, supposing that's why some hunters have it out for them. "What do you shift to again? Are you like Isla, a little pussy cat?" Seraphina hums affectionately with her laugh. "There's a hare that hops around every so often, and I think we have a rabbit. Soon it will be a petting zoo."

Seraphina suddenly wonders if it's the Sinclair eccentricity at play that leaves her with a slight curiousness to the sensation of grief. A morbid curiosity perhaps. Or, maybe it's their innate way to analyze everything before them that leaves her trying to observe the sensation rather than feel it. Either way, it's why there's a slight grin on Seraphina's face as the topic arrives, intriguingly watching some sort of internal battle in the shifter. "Things are only difficult if you make them difficult, in my opinion." she offers the statement, not quite heartfelt. "It's just a charity evening, and a few speeches about people. Not really very different to any others." she shrugs, but perhaps that's also a Sinclair way coming forth. To be ever so slightly removed. "Except we can't be too happy, and have to be the right amount of respectful, because being too sad is rude too." what fun.

Ines' laugh interrupts her exhale of smoke, causing it to bellow out of her followed by a quick and fleeting cough. "What!?" she exclaims out as she taps her chest. "I...this is really not a mental image I need right now but when you say soft porn, what do you mean!?" Ines fights a slight cackle, unable to imagine the stoic Damien Wealthington engaging in anything other than statistics and facts. Now, in complete amusement, she returns to enjoying her cigarette with a constant grin on her face and lingering chuckles that erupt from nowhere. She almost doesn't hear the compliment from Seraphina, Ines blinking for a second as she glances to her dress and back again to the witch. "Oh, thank you" Ines isn't entirely sure how to take it except with a laugh. "Our mom is tiny so we didn't stand much of a chance." she flips a little wave to the hotel, referring to Isla's stature but quickly hears her words. It feels too late to correct it, and she soothes herself with a long pull of nicotine. "And anyways, you're like the literal model, right?" Ines chuckles with an enthusiastic gesture to the way Seraphina just...is. "Is it fun? It must be cool to wake up and know you fit like...every standard of beauty."

The quick and impromptu insight into the way of witches brings Ines' head into a small nod, and she keeps an interested smile on her face. All the while she thinks about why the fuck she said her mother is still alive. "Is it okay to ask why some witches do it with...candles and stuff? Or?" Ines isn't sure what counts as prying or intrigue when it comes to the secrecy of magic, but she ensures her tone falls more within curiosity than anything else. "My parents were friends with some witches and I played with their kids whenever they came over. They could make things float around which was cool. Made Barbies more fun for sure."

A more considerate frown flicks over Ines' lips as she hears about the supernaturals. She commits the names to memory, for perhaps the fifteenth time since hearing them, every attempt made to not appear selfish. But the numbness is constant these days, where not much can pierce through. All Ines knows is she feels sympathy yet it's wrapped in an entire air of selfishness. "I'm sorry. To everyone, too. It..." she huffs gently. "I can see why tonight is a good thing but I can also see why it feels weird." she offers instead with a slight shrug, hoping to God her cigarette doesn't end any time soon so she still has something to do with her hand. Also, why did she say her mom is still alive? Hesitantly, Ines shifts as if she's ready to correct her previous words but then frowns...and then decides to avoid it entirely. Why the fuck did she say her mom is still alive?

[touyota]

Hoe Hoe Hoe

☁️ Summary: Satoru Gojo *cough* *cough* I mean Santa Claus jingles your bells on Christmas Eve.

A/N: y’all this fic whooped my ass literally, but i think it came out pretty good. i think my smut is getting better, so hopefully i keep the momentum going for all my future fics. (also ik i’m late for the holidays but better late than never!)

☁️ Pairing: Gojo Satoru x Elf Reader

☁️ Warnings: Size kink, bulging, slight breeding kink, gojo’s massive 🐓

The holidays were always an overwhelming time at the workshop. You and your fellow elves worked overtime to fulfill the yearly abundance of Christmas lists that were received, and to be quite frank; you were due for a fucking break. As a head elf, you spent your days monitoring the shop floor and managing quality control. Everything and anything went through you, especially before it got to Santa.

You were handling a crisis on the floor, something about a particular video game console shortage, when you received a message from the big man himself.

“I swear... if I hear another word about how we are out of stock, I will personally shove a candy cane up your ass. We’re fucking elves, just go make some more.“ You shooed the elf off before taking a deep breath. You wanted to tear your hair out, every minor inconvenience didn’t require your assistance, yet they always found a way to you. In a last-ditch effort to keep your composure, you began to practice a method you learned in your weekly anger management meetings.

“One….two….three….four….five” You exhaled, opening your eyes to see a particular pink-haired headache, elf approaching waving and skipping towards you. You started counting faster; hopefully, he’d be gone at the end of your count.

“One..two..three..four..five”

“Boss! Oh, boss! I’ve been looking for you everywhere!” Fuck he was getting closer. You braced yourself, hoping he was referring to another supervisor standing near you.

“Onetwothreefourfiveonetwothreefourfiveonetwothreefourfive”

“What’s with the counting boss? You must be counting down the hours before we give everyone the best Christmas ever!” Yuji cheesed, barely able to contain his giddiness. Oh, bless his heart, Yuji was somewhat new to the shop and was a hard worker, but a few screws were missing upstairs.

“I have a bomb ticking inside my head.” you deadpanned, hoping to spook him off so you could go hide in your office.

“Oh…..Oh no, boss, you need to get checked out immediately, we need to call the police, the ambulance, the bomb squad, we might have to cancel Christmas. If we cancel Christmas, they won’t get their presents, and they’ll all be upset an-“ It was truly endearing. You could almost see the steam pouring from his ears as he panicked about you and your well-being. You pinched his lips shut before he managed to alert the rest of the workshop.

“Yuji, I was lying…what do you need?” The panic drained from his face, a relieved smile taking its place.

“The big man wants to see you, something about squashing a few last-minute details. He trailed off, focusing his attention on someone in the distance. “Nobara, stop drinking my eggnog, and don't touch my cookies!” Yuji ran off, thankfully abandoning your conversation.

You began your trek to the big man’s office, the big man being Satoru Gojo, direct descendant of Kris Kringle and newly appointed Santa Claus. Gojo was indeed an enigma, barely leaving his office only for special occasions such as Christmas Eve and Christmas itself. The only way you could speak to him was if he requested you directly.

The walk to the office required dragging yourself up to three flights of stairs before you reached the red door decorated with brightly colored green tinsel and oversized candy canes.

You made sure to knock, you weren’t completely devoid of manners, and you wanted to keep your job. A sultry voice sounded through the door.

“Come on in.” You gently open the door, almost tip-toeing in before slowly closing the door.

“You don’t have to walk on eggshells around me. I don't bite unless you want me to.” You scurried towards the desk, not wanting to waste any more of his limited time.

“......Sorry, Mr. Claus, I came as soon as Yuji told me he said something about a few last-minute details.”

“He was right; come sit right here.” As inviting as he looked, patting his lap, you took several hesitant steps before perching yourself on his lap. “Get comfortable; we have a few things to discuss, nothing outrageous, just a few... things.” You played the velvet fabric of your skirt as he droned off about the minor details that could’ve been dealt with by any other elf. You grunted in response to the open-ended questions asked. “I think that’s it. Did you get all that?” He skimmed through his never-ending checklist to confirm.

“Oh...um, yes, I did, in fact, I’ll go deal with that right now.” You dust your lap off and lean forward to push up off of the oversized chair. Only to find that you haven’t moved an inch. “Um…...Mr. Claus…I can’t move, and I need to….” you trailed off, disrupted by a gloved hand tilting your chin, forcing you to look directly into those soft blue eyes.

“Tsk tsk tsk, I knew you weren’t paying attention, puddin’.” He faked a face of hurt before using the arm that wasn’t wrapped around your waist to swipe his cluttered desk clear. “I said that-” Pausing to slam your form down unto the oversized desk. “I said that all I want for Christmas is to fuck you until this desk breaks.” He whispered, pressing several gentle kisses along the column of your neck. The room temperature had increased tremendously, and the red wool suit pressed against you made it no better.

“Uh...wow...um, it’s getting kinda hot in here, don’t you think?” You pulled at your collar, hoping to put some kind of separation between you two. You were in no way trying to reject his advances. You were just entirely ambushed by how fast things were moving. Another urgent concern was the sheer size of “Santa.” You were already genetically disadvantaged in the height category as an elf, but this behemoth of a man towered over you. It left you to believe that he was more than proportionate in the nether regions.

“I think you’re right. See, that’s exactly why you’re my right-hand puddin’.” Before you could blink, you were almost instantly rid of your gown, leaving you in your unfortunately modest black undergarments. You pouted, wishing you were given some kind of warning in advance. “Poor baby, next time I’ll let you get all dolled up for me, maybe I’ll wrap you up with a bow and leave you under my tree.” You couldn’t contain your whimper at the thought, roping your legs around his waist, mimicking the same motion with your arms around his neck.

A loud horn sounded off, signaling Santa’s departure was nearing. “As much as I’d love to sit and ravish you till dawn, duty calls.” You were drawn into several more gentle kisses before Gojo deepened the kiss, nearly smothering you. You were on the brink of suffocation when he finally eased up, allowing you to catch your breath. when you felt your panties tugged to the side. “You have such a pretty pussy puddin’. I could sit here and play with it all day long.” Two callused fingers daintily drew circles around your clit, stopping to pull at the sensitive nub causing you to whine at each tug.

“Ah- p-please...Santa” You couldn’t wait anymore. Each stroke brought you closer and closer to your peak.

“Please, what pretty girl? I won’t know until you tell me.” Purposely speeding up his ministrations.

“Please...please...please...fuck me.” You cried out, you could barely contain yourself, and he wasn’t making it any better.

The air knocked out of your chest as the blunt tip of his cock breached your entrance. There was a brief pause before Gojo’s hips slammed forward, setting a brutal pace. You couldn’t form any thought, only incoherent mumbles, and whimpers leaving your mouth. The desk was rocking with each thrust, nearly throwing you off.

“Y-you feel so fucking good, ugh...this sweet little pussy sucking me in. You like that, huh? Using you like a little fuck toy? Y-yeah, you’re Santa’s little fuck toy, you just lay there and look pretty, and I’ll fuck you full of my kids. I’ll make you Mrs. Claus, and you won’t have to work in that shitty little workshop anymore. How does that sound?” Gojo’s cock pounding away at your cervix, blurring the lines of pain and pleasure.

You could almost cry because it all sounded fucking amazing. You were floating on a cloud each stroke. The rhythm was slowing to deep, deliberate thrusts when you felt an oversized hand rest on your belly.

…….Holy shit.

You nearly fainted seeing the outline of his massive cock bulge through your belly. You could tell Gojo was close, skin slapping as his thrusts sped up again. The final press of his palm forcing you over, and Gojo the same with his final thrust. Both of you were murmuring and moaning as he nudged into another breath-taking kiss. The desk finally loses its bearing and falls apart, leaving you both as panting messes on the ground.

You had wood chips in places that they shouldn’t be, and the chuckling giant next to you wasn’t helping. Your quirked an eyebrow up and questioned him. “What’s so funny?”

“I think I need to add a new desk to my Christmas list.”

[florenceisfalling]

tbh i feel like the whole "squid game getting popular and people missing literally the entire point of the media" thing is definitely annoying and frustrating to see for several reasons (looks at ranboo dressing up as one of the players with the number of where he ranks on the list of richest twitch streamers ever on his chest for a minecraft event that he gets paid hundreds for) but there is also a Huge irony and very bitter humor in yet another anti capitalist hunger games type media becoming big and mr beast immediately deciding to recreate the games with a bunch of his extremely rich friends for youtube clout

oh yeah i absolutely get that, like, there's definitely a Painful Feeling seeing people with shit-tons of money kinda playing off the trend. it's tone deaf! its annoying! i dislike it! but u also gotta remember that entertainers making lots of money is definitely not the Big Issue in capitalism (because they are actually putting in some kind of work and not just Owning Property, that's a discussion for another day tho) - after all, squid game was literally made by.... entertainers.... making a lot of money.... and it was made on netflix! a company under criticism for transphobia and other shit rn!

people - including a vice article?? - criticizing squid game halloween costumes makes SENSE when they're talking about companies like amazon or walmart selling the suits. but otherwise?? there is no issue here?? squid game suits are literally one of the most popular halloween costumes of 2021! because its popular media! and i know some people have phrased this as "ugh americans" or "ugh white people" or whatever, but the costumes are super popular in south korea too! like! thats a non-issue!

and ive also seen people get mad over shipping or fics or memes or fanart of squid game, cause "its missing the point",,, and its like. huh.

when did people forget that entertainment is also supposed to entertain us? like ur legitimately supposed to have some sort of connection to the characters, and be invested in the plot, and all of that? it's why shows that exist just to pander, or be "diverse" with zero plot, or to awkwardly teach morals, are all usually criticized for trying too hard. it's why shows that try to "break the format" and be "genre-changing" and "intellectual" often fall flat just because they... aren't good. you can put your entire heart and soul and into being deep and meaningful with your story, but you have to be watchable to get watched. you can put your entire pussy into being diverse and progressive in your story, but you have to be entertaining to get popular!

so. yeah. sucks when rich people are like "ah yes poverty i am very self aware" but also people should be allowed to write happy ending fics or put on a jumpsuit and a mask or whatever they want because, despite the weird attitude that's been emerging on tumblr dot com, being elitist about how you consume media is stupid and squid game is not the Holy Bible of anticapitalist media or something. that kinda take leads to shit like the blog i saw claiming "repo! the genetic opera was about ~serious issues~ not dumb ships" even though half the movie is like. sex.

so yes i agree with u on annoying trend shit, but also. i think its based that the show is getting popular enough for people to do dumb fun stuff with it yknow

[neko-naruto]

winter break!

(a continuation of what do you mean 'it was an accident'?"

it was winter break for the young heroes, it only lasted two weeks, but even then it was a much needed break. of course many things had to be done before any of their lives would feel complete for the year, hot coco, sledding, ice fishing, campfires, hot apple cider, building snowmen and snow woman, polar bear swim, etc, etc. of course denki and tsuyu had made a list of the things they considered to be crucial, one being the polar bear swim and sledding. they knew many of their friends would pussy out on the polar bear swim, but they still needed it on the list. it had been five days since the vacation started and so far they finished making snowmen, drinking hot coco, and ice fishing.

"do we really have to do this guys?" mina asked as she stood on the dock, shivering in her bikini. "im already freezing my ass off as is."

oh yeah denki and tsuyu found a dock and got todoroki to melt all the ice on the top the night before so it would be slushy.

"you can pussy out if you want to mina." sero said as he stood next to denki and tsuyu.

"what?! get out of my way!" mina exclaimed as she ran off the dock and hopped in denki and tsuyu following suit with sero.

"damn! thats cold!" sero exclaimed as he waded around in the icy water with his friends.

"outa the way extras!" bakugo yelled having them each move over as he canon balled into the water screaming profanities at the cold.

"fun right?" denki asked moving back to where he was before.

"you think this is fun?!" mina asked.

"uh yeah, come on guys you know canadian blood runs through my veins." denki said as tsuyu waded over to him and latched onto his side for warmth.

"im cold kero..." tsuyu whined weakly.

"lets get you out of the water and onto the boat." denki said as he swam over to the boat they had launched and climbed on picking up tsuyu and wrapping her in a heated blanket.

"thanks denks." she said softly.

"you ok if i stay in the water for a while longer?" denki asked as he poured tsuyu some hot apple cider which she drank slowly.

"course you can, i might hop in in a bit though, kero." tsuyu said as denki hopped back in, kirishima joining him.

"we never knew you where canadian." mina said as denki swam over.

"only a small portion of my genetics originate from canada." denki said.

"this feels manly!" kirishima exclaimed with gusto as he dunked his head.

"think anyone else will join us?" bakugo asked right before jiro hopped in wearing a bikini.

"now i know why people do this!" jiro exclaimed as she back floated looking at the clear sky.

"i feel alive!" ochaco exclaimed as she swan dived into the lake.

"this is what i do every year, most times im in it alone though." denki said as he made his way to the boat with the rest of them.

"do we got enough blankets for everyone?" sero asked as he climbed up with the rest of them.

"of course we do!" denki said tossing them each a blanket before getting the boat back to the shore where everyone else was.

"they better have saved me a smoky or two." bakugo said as he hopped off the boat followed by the rest denki carrying over tsuyu and placing three feet from the fire to help her warm up.

"did you guys save us any smokies?" mina asked.

"yep, here you go." izuku said as passed down some sticks with hotdogs on them.

"thanks nerd." bakugo said as he started to cook his hotdog the others doing the same.

"thats a good smoky!" denki said as he tore apart the meat end indulged in all of its goodness with the bun, cheese, pickles, mayo, ketchup, mustard, relish you name it, he had it on the bun.

"eat slowly, kero." tsuyu reminded denki. "cant rush a healing process, remember?" tsuyu asked leaning against denki.

"but its so good..." denki whined as he continued to eat at a rapid pace, tsuyu sighed.

"i think this was a good choice of where to go for a day trip!" mina said enthusiastically as she made her way to the bus with the rest of them.

the bus ride back was slippery and bumpy, not exactly doing the best for denkis intestines, didnt help he decided to eat three smokies and drink four cups of hot chocolate.

"i feel sick..." denki whined.

"we made it this far with no bumps denki, lets not start failing now, kero." tsuyu said as she helped denki back to tsuyus dorm.

"i cant make any promises." denki said weakly with a light chuckle as he walked into tsuyus room and lied down on the carpet.

"just try not to, youve gotten so much better with recovering from your ed." tsuyu said.

"i know tsu..." denki said.

"im gonna go get us some cider, kero." tsuyu said as she left denki.

"now i can relax..." denki said with a sigh of relief, lying down for a few minutes before shooting up and rushing to the bathroom hurling up his smoky. "come on!" he exclaimed in annoyance before dry heaving a few times before some of his stomach acids came up with hi hot chocolate, his throat was in burning pain just like his stomach. "might as well get some water and ride it out." he said with a sigh chugging a glass of water before waiting for that to also come up as he sat down in front of the toilet bowl eventually hacking that up as well, tsuyu rushing over to denki. "sorry..." denki said weakly as he stood up, tsuyu helping him over to her bed considering his balance was thrown off again.

"its not your fault, i shouldnt have left you." tsuyu said taking a small sip from her cup of apple cider.

"it is my fault..." denki said as he lied down on his side. "if only i didnt even start starving myself in the first place.

"hey! that was in the past! this is the now, kero! we can make it, ok? just trust me." tsuyu said gently kissing denki recoiling. "wash out your mouth, you taste disgusting." she said having denki get up and wash out his mouth with some water.

"your right tsu, i'll keep trying." denki said as he sat down next to tsuyu.

"and its ok if you make a few mistakes along the way, so long as it all works out eventually, kero." tsuyu said with a yawn.

"tired?" denki asked having tsuyu nod a little bit wrapping herself in a blanket leaning up against denki who lied down and held onto tsuyu tightly.

"good night denks, kero..." tsuyu said closing her eyes.

"night tsu." denki responded with before falling asleep.

THE END

[arsonistslut]

Chapter 9: Reminders of Tragedy

"Hey, Jane!"

"Hey, Ingrid! How is my favorite person in the world?"

Jane's girlfriend of a good 9 years now happily walked over and kissed her on the cheek, beaming as she always seemed to do whenever she looked at her lover.

"Amazing now that you're here. Hey, you wanna go to that party Randy's having at his house tomorrow?"

"He's having a party? I didn't figure him the partying type."

"Despite the whole business parents thing, he is a real party animal. Hey, you know what's weird about the party?"

"What is?"

"He invited that Jeff guy there..y'know, that creep with the Conduct Disorder?"

She gestured to the tall, dark clothed young adult that sat alone at a lunch table nearby, playing with a switchblade.

"Hey, I remember him being pretty nice.."

"Remember him? You two date at some point?"

"We did, actually, wayyyy back."

Jane smirked when she saw the look of surprise and pride on Ingrid's face when she realized she guessed right.

"What was he like?"

"He was a sweetheart. Cheesy, but a sweetheart. Hell, even cheesier than me."

"Jane, you've carved our names into multiple trees. There's no out-cheesing that."

"Oh, you wouldn't believe how we met, either. My dad was out mowing the lawn, and he accidentally ran over a rock and it hit Jeff in the head."

"Oof, that sounds bad.."

"I visited him in the hospital with my parents one time, and I will never forget what he said to me as a pick-up line."

"What did he say?"

Jane cleared her throat, before trying her darndest to do an impression of a young Jeff.

"Did you come from heaven? Because you look like an angel!"

Ingrid couldn't help but let out a giggle as she quickly pulled Jane into her arms.

"Aww, that sounds so cute!"

"It was!"

Jeff himself was hearing this conversation from afar, the little tricks he played with his knife not an adequate distraction from the constant reminder of what could've been.

"I don't think he handled our breakup too well..nobody really wanted to treat him as anything other than a freak after his diagnosis went public. One time, I heard him ranting to his brother about how it was hypocritical of the school to do a health topic on depression when they wouldn't stop judging him for his CD."

"Sheesh, it sounds like he's been through a lot..poor kid could use a friend."

"It doesn't really look like he wants any. Liu isn't sitting with him..that's weird, Liu always sits with him."

"Prolly had an argument or something, you know siblings."

"Yeah.."

The day continued without incident, Jeffrey getting home at the same time as usual..yet his mind was not thinking about the party, or school, he was thinking about Jane and Ingrid. Why was Jane so special that she had everything she wanted in life and not him? What crime did he commit that landed him with absent parents, demonization from his peers, and a fucking smile cut into his face? That love, that relationship they had..Jeff came to the conclusion that it was something to be destroyed.

Liu, meanwhile, was..struggling with something. Something he never expected would be a problem in his life. Lately, he began having these thoughts..these violent, awful, intrusive thoughts, thoughts that seemed to be begging to be spoken aloud, the actions they describe seeming to grow more and more appealing as time passed.

Kill Randy.

Maim Keith.

Skin Troy like the cattle he is.

Maybe if he gave the thoughts an identity, they'd be easier to handle, he thought as he thought of a name for these urges..one stood out from the others. Not at all goofy, but not as laughably edgy as the other options.

Chapter 10: Enter Sully

Liu ended up speaking to Sully for the entire night..and even into the morning. When Jeff woke up the next morning, he could already hear Liu downstairs talking with..someone.

"It's sad, really..so concerned about themselves..no time spared for you."

"I-I guess..but they've got more important things to worry about.."

"Child, they do not have a thought in them about you. They're all self centered egomaniacs that would rather get pushed around by a genetic failure of a human rather than do anything about their situation!"

"That's not true, Sully! You're lying!"

A horrible growl soon came from the room.

"We are friends, child! Friends do not lie to each other, do they?"

"I..I guess not..goodbye for now, Sully."

"Where are you going?"

"I..I need some time to think."

Liu got back up, jumping from fear when he saw his brother staring at him.

"Holy shit, Jeff! You scared me!"

"I bet."

Awkward silence soon filled the dining room where they stood.

"Hey, Jeff...?"

"What?"

"I'm..sorry about punching you, and saying all that shit about you. I shouldn't have done that."

"No shit, Sherlock."

The elder brother turned around and began walking back up to his room, but not before his brother called out to him.

"Hey..is there any way I could make things up between us?"

"You could make things up by not betraying my trust again. You're all I've got, Liu..don't pull a Jane and fuck it up for me."

Liu always did question that grudge Jeff held for his ex, after all, he chatted with her in the past, and it always seemed like she genuinely enjoyed what her and Jeff had, and she always felt bad for leaving him like that. Hell, it sounded like it was as painful for her to leave him as it was for him to find out that his girlfriend left him. He was tempted to point that out, but he feared ruining things with his brother again.

"Alright.."

Chapter 11: A Hell of A Party

When Jane and Ingrid rounded the corner home, they found..a disturbing sight. A dead raccoon laying in the middle of the street, it's guts ripped out of it's body and thrown aside, Jeff gleefully pawing through the freshly murdered animal, childishly gawking and giggling over the corpse.

"Hey, Jeffrey! What happened here, what the fuck did you do?!"

Ingrid cried out to the blood-soaked kid, who looked up at her, confusion riddling his bloodied face.

"I killed a raccoon. It's not like anyone's gonna miss it."

"Why, you little-"

Ingrid slapped Jeffrey right across the face, knocking him to the ground as Jane held her girlfriend back and tried to keep the situation from escalating any further.

"What the hell was that for?!"

"You killed a helpless animal, you freak!!"

"I oughta kill you next, you piece of-"

Woods choked on his own spittle as he made his threat, never having been particularly..elegant with his words.

"Oh, really?! I'll kick your teeth down your fucking throat!"

"I swear to God, I'll strangle you with your own fucking intestines!!"

When Jeff reached for his switchblade, Jane panicked and grabbed her lover's hand, running off with her as Woods continued to scream at them.

"Your last words better be some Mark Twain shit, because it's going on your tombstone!! You hear me?!"

That experience was all on Jane's mind as she watched Jeff steadily get more and more wasted by the bonfire outside as time went on, at least, what glimpses she could catch of him when she wasn't busy dancing with the other students. Randy was also outside, reluctantly playing Truth Or Dare with the others as well as his increasingly hot and bothered enemy.

"Ok, Jeff!"

"Whaddup, baby?~"

"Truth or dare?"

"Dare, hit me with the worst ya got!"

"Slow dance with Randy."

"What the-no! I'm straight as a arrow, dude!"

"So is spaghetti until it gets wet~"

"Jeff, never say that again."

"C'mooooon, do the dare, ya pussy~ I don't bite!~"

Woods took his time getting up, but still had enough cognitive function to put on Grover Washington Jr's "Just The Two Of Us", to try and improve the mood, but Randy still wasn't having any of it. In a last ditch effort to try and seduce Randy, Jeffrey just..up and took his shirt off. That'll get things going, right? No, it didn't. Despite some swooning from some of his classmates, Randy himself didn't want any part of this. He was a few drinks deep as well, so in a drunken haze, he grabbed one of the bottles of booze they had, took a running start, and smashed it right over Jeff's head. The problem with that is that they were only a couple feet away from a bonfire, so when Jeff stumbled backward, he fell right into it, the alcohol on his exposed flesh quickly igniting. He quickly burst into flames, screaming and running off as the fire quickly seared his body, every remaining nerve ending he had that wasn't burnt away shocking his body with waves of pain. He could feel his scalp burning up once his hair was scorched away, finally finding solace in a nearby puddle that put out the flames. Jeff could see his life flashing before his eyes..his family, his brother..that was all he could see. As Randy and the other students' screams of horror faded away, Woods silently cursed himself for not doing anything more with his life..a single bloody tear rolled down his face as he shut his eyes for what he believed would be the last time.

Chapter 12: The End Of The Beginning

Suddenly..he was in some sort of void. The ground beneath him was black as pitch, and footsteps began to grow ever closer to him. When Jeff looked to see who was approaching, he found no earthly being waiting for his attention. When he laid his eyes on whatever approached, the previously totally dark void began to turn a sickly red. What stood before him was a monster unlike any other, an otherwordly monster many believed to be a mere tall tale.

HE COMES.

[yellowocaballero]

Bonus story that I regret already

A friend requested a HLVRAI/Freeman’s Mind/HL crossover. Specifically, them getting drinks, in a pub. 

I really hate to spill that I’ve seen all of HLVRAI and Freeman’s Mind, but I figure the cat’s out of the bag. It’s three pages. It’s crack. There will be no continuation. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but tw for ableist language, suggested animal abuse, and suggested slavery. So...that’s how you know Freeman Freeman’s Mind shows up. 

God, does anybody remember FM? Am I the only person who remembers FM? Am I having a stroke? Imagine if Freeman’s Mind came out in 2020. There’d be call-out posts. 

Enjoy...I think? Rest under the cut. 

********************************************

“When you think about it, dog breeding just doesn’t make any sense.”

Thank god. Gordon exhaled in relief. The guy sitting across from him in the dim, crowded pub had finally moved on from his extensive...very extensive...opinions on the IRS. Gordon had desperately tried redirecting the conversation to something more normal, like theoretical physics, or his opinion on multi-dimensional crossovers, but instead the guy just seemed very desperate that everybody know that taxation was theft.

“Right!” Gordon said enthusiastically, just trying to get word in edgewise. He knew he liked to talk, but this guy was ridiculous. “Pugs can’t give birth by themselves. It’s inhumane.”

“Oh, forget about that shit.” The guy waved a hand, burping slightly as he slammed back more of his beer. “What I’m saying is that it’s ridiculous not to train dogs to attack your enemies.”

“I don’t actually have that many -” 

But the guy was already ranting, completely talking over Gordon. Pleadingly, Gordon looked at the other guy they were sitting with for help, but he just sat there drinking his beer with eyes distantly fixed on the tacky retro diner signs hung on the wall. Traitor. 

“When you think about the entire thing’s stupid. The breed standards are just ridiculous, first off. Breeding dogs so they can’t bite, can’t bark, can’t hunt their own food? It’s stupid. What else is the point of a dog! Anybody around here remember why we breed dogs in the first place? It’s so they can help protect us, protect the pack. Dogs used to pull their own. And now they’re just shitty little lap dogs that rich old ladies use to wealth signal. It’s fucking stupid. Dogs are just freeloaders. And I don’t have any freeloaders in my house.”

“Wow,” Gordon muttered rebelliously, “did you read about that on Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia that anyone can edit?”

“So that’s why I’m proposing my new idea for dogs. A better dog. Dog 2, the sequel to dogs, if you will,” the guy continued, completely steamrolling him. “These dogs are huge, first of all. But not too huge, since you don’t want them to be a drain on your resources. I’d say definitely the size of a St. Bernard, maybe a little bit bigger. I don’t give a shit if it’s friendly to children or whatever. I don’t give a shit about children. If they can’t survive my dog attacking them, they were never going to make it to adulthood anyway. Survival of the fittest. Anyway, my dog’s going to be big. Short hair, because we live in a hot climate and I don’t want a dog that’s shedding everywhere. It’s not exactly going to be a polar rescue dog here, I need a dog that can survive the Arizona desert. But this dog has to be two things, and these two things are completely vital. Without these two things, it might as well be a Pomeranian.” The man held up two fingers. “One: the dog must be completely loyal to me. Intelligent, but not too intelligent that it doesn’t accept me as the alpha. I’m the alpha to the dog, as I’m also the alpha to the human race. Its loyalty must be complete. Like, I say jump, the dog says how high. That’s how intelligent it is too.” He pushed down the finger, keeping one up. “Second, the dog must be a cold blooded attack machine. I ain’t owning no pussy dog here. This dog is vicious. It can kill anything, and it will do it with pleasure. This dog feels no regret, pain, anguish, PTSD, hesitance, and it never fucking misses. Its teeth are huge and it’s an unrestrained attack machine. With this dog at my side, ain’t nobody’s fucking with me. Walking down the street with this dog next to me, nobody’s looking at me sideways. The chicks dig me. Everybody thinks I’m great. That’s why this is the ideal dog, above all other dogs.”

“Wow,” Gordon said desperately, really hoping that this was the end of the fucking dog conversation, “that’s great. My friend, uh, Tommy, he has a great Golden. Says it’s a perfect dog. That’s really possible actually, it survived like six turrets -”

“Idiot. That’s not what I fucking mean.” The guy scoffed at Gordon. “This perfect dog doesn’t exist. No dog is that immaculate. And if you try breeding for all those traits, you end up with some shitty inbred dog. No way. You gotta get more creative. Just wanting the perfect dog is for chumps who don’t understand genetics, evolution, dog breeding, dog training, warfare both physical and psychology, psychology itself, sociology, philosophy, or xenobiology. No. What I’m saying now is that in order to get the perfect dog, you have to breed aliens. I’m thinking headcrabs.”

Gordon distantly felt his jaw dropping. “Head - headcrabs?”

“Or those fucked up things with garbage disposal mouths,” the guy said thoughtfully. “Whatever they’re called. I don’t respect any of those shitty aliens enough to give them names. If you want me to remember your name, you have to earn it. My brain’s filled with much more important things, like theoretical physics and being better than you.”

“Garbage disposal - do you mean peeper puppies?!”

“Yeah, whatever. What I’m saying is that I’ve really cornered the market on xenobiology. I’m the world fuckin’ expert in dealing with aliens.” He looked thoughtful for a second as he chugged his beer again, which was a first. “Well. Dimensional expert. Point is, I can say with eighty seven percent confidence that, given enough time and unlimited access to a shock collar, I can train one of those shitty alien species crawling all over Black Mesa to obey my every command and slay my enemies. I could probably even turn it against its kinsmen. Get the aliens to wipe out the aliens, and humanity comes out on top. Then I turn my alien slaves against humanity, and Gordon Freeman is at top. So what do you think? Good idea or good idea?”

Gordon stared at him, slightly horrified, slightly incredulous, somehow amused. God, he had spent too much time around Benrey. This guy would love Benrey. He could never introduce them. “Terrible idea. I can’t believe we’re the same person.”

“You’re a loser. What about you, huh?” Freeman gestured with his cup at the third Gordon Freeman, who still seemed thoroughly checked out of the conversation. “What do you think? Want to invest some money into my plan? You’ll get a three hundred return on your investment, and dominion of the country of your choice.”

Gordon Freeman stared at Freeman blankly. He seemed really checked out. 

Freeman looked back at Gordon. “Is this guy retarded or something? That or he’s high off his ass, but I know how I get when I’m high and I’m never that out of it.”

“I’m not sure you aren’t on coke right now,” Gordon groused, sipping his own margarita. Which Freeman had called a ‘girl drink’. Asshole. “Why don’t you just -”

“Hey, Doc!”

Suddenly, with no more advanced warning than the overly friendly cry, Benrey - sorry, Barney - popped up at their table. Freeman groaned, ignoring him completely for favor of his drink, and Gordon waved weakly at him. He seemed - well, nice. Much nicer than Benrey. Not that it was hard. 

“You guys having fun or what?” Barney said, leaning against the table and winking at Freeman, who made a face. “We’re having a really good time at the Barney table, let me tell you. Maybe we can do Trivia Pursuit? That’ll be fun!”

“Don’t tell me you’re actually making friends with Benrey,” Gordon said, sighing. “Dude’s insufferable.”

“Blunt as ever, Doc,” Barney laughed. “Benrey’s not that bad! Just kind of a freak, you know?”

“Yeah,” Gordon said, impossibly depressed. “I know.”

“Anyway, I actually wanted to ask the Doc if he had my keys. Hold on a hot second.” Barney turned to the aforementioned zoned out Gordon Freeman, and abruptly started waving his hands around. Wait - was that sign language? When he glanced at Freeman, he seemed interested too. 

Even more amazingly, Gordon Freeman responded, rolling his eyes and tilting his fist before digging in his pocket and pulling out his keys, pressing them into Barney’s hands. Barney winked, signed out what Gordon recognized as a thank you, and fucked off back to the Barney table. If Gordon craned his head, he could see Freeman’s Barney (whose name Freeman didn’t even seem to know) trying to drink his beer as he was thoroughly terrorized by Benrey. Gordon couldn’t fight the crush of fondness that bloomed in his chest. Benrey was fun to watch when he was terrorizing someone else - but you could say that about all of his friends, really. 

Then the implications of that exchange hit Gordon over the head. He turned to Gordon Freeman, who seemed to have gone back to checking out of the conversation. “Wait, are you freaking deaf?”

Gordon blinked at him sleepily. Gordon cursed, rummaging around on the table until he found a napkin, and Freeman passed him a pen as he wrote down in large, blocky letters ‘ARE YOU DEAF???’ and slid it to Gordon Freeman. 

Gordon Freeman stared at it. He looked up at the two of them and - oh, god, he was definitely smirking. Like the cat that caught the fucking canary. He tilted his fist in what even Gordon recognized as a yes. 

“You fucking asshole!” Gordon exploded. “You left me to suffer with this guy alone? How could you? That’s not team behavior!”

“You got pranked, bro!” Benrey called, from across the room. “Bro, you got mad pranked! El oh el, bro!”

“Shut up, asshole!”

“Hey, what do you mean?” Freeman asked, offended. “My ideas are genius. This is a unique business opportunity, here. You’ll never get another chance to make three hundred percent back on your investment again -”

“Epic fail, bro!” Benry called. 

Gordon groaned and started chugging his margarita. He would need to be a lot drunker if he was going to get through this stupid extradimensional mistake. 

[sinsatmidnight]

Donation

Pairing - Yves (Ha Sooyoung) x Male Reader

Words - 3133

Sins - Smut, mutual masturbation, sumata

So Loona got their first music show win over a week ago and I was hoping to put out a Loona fic before a week was up, but better late than never, I guess! I’ve been running through so many ideas and have so many half-written fics these days. Congrats to Loona! Also, this one is going to have a follow-up sequel although that might not come out immediately. Lastly, stay safe from COVID-19 everyone!

Sperm donation. You had heard that there was some money in it for you, you made an appointment and so here you are, listening to a very attractive medical intern talk to you about all the steps to go through to become a donor. Long dark hair, thick pouty lips, cat-like eyes, sharp nose and narrow jawline. The doctor’s coat over her collared long-sleeved white blouse doesn’t show off her figure very well, but her skirt is quite short and highlights her legs effectively. You look over the lanyard tag she is wearing to find her name. Yves Ha Sooyoung.

“So, we need to do some tests before we can accept your donation. We will be taking blood samples from you to check for genetic conditions and infectious diseases. We will also need a sample of your semen for testing. We will get both of those from you today. There will also be a recorded interview and psychological evaluation, which we will arrange for another day.”

Standing across the reception counter from her, you nod your way through her words, your eyes focused on her pretty face. The intern picks up the form you filled out when you first arrived with all your personal details. “So, your ethnicity and nationality are both Korean, your place of residence is in Seoul, you are single and have never used any drugs and no known drug allergies. Okay, did you bring your personal and family medical history?”

You hand over a few sheets of paper in a large manila envelope, they had told you to bring all these documents when you were arranging the appointment on the phone. “Thank you, now I need to make sure that you have not had sex or masturbated in the past 72 hours. Have you?”

They had also mentioned this requirement on the phone. “No, I have not.”

Yves smiles politely at your answer. “Good, you’ll need to repeat that again before the actual day of the donation. We will arrange for that if you pass all the necessary tests. We will be getting the sperm sample first, and then we will draw your blood after, just in case you feel weak after drawing blood and need to rest. Please follow me.” The pretty intern stands up from her seat behind the counter and walks down a hallway with you following behind.

She leads you to a small room with dark purple paint and blinds drawn over the glass panels serving as windows. There is a couch the same colour as the walls and a small glass table in front of the couch. on the table, you see hand sanitiser and anti-bacterial wet wipes. There is also a single “Do not disturb” sign that repeats its message in English, Korean, Chinese and Japanese, the type that a hotel might provide for guests. There is a small cabinet at the side of the walls that holds more supplies of hand sanitiser and wet wipes and there seems to be nothing else in the room.

Yves hands you a large glass vial with a cap for the opening. “Here you are. Feel free to take as long as you need, you can lock the door and there is the ‘Do not disturb’ sign that you can hang on the door as well. The room is soundproofed quite well, so any noise you make will not be heard from the outside. Let me know if you need anything else, if not, I’ll be at the counter outside.”

An immediate concern crosses your mind. “I’m really sorry if this question sounds weird, but is there any…uh, inspiration that I can use when getting this sample for you?” The question was awkward, but you’d heard about American sperm banks having porn in the rooms for this purpose. And it would be a much easier task with some form of stimulation beyond your imagination.

“It’s okay, we get this question a lot here. I’m very sorry, but as you know, all porn is illegal in Korea, so we can’t provide any. We used to have a few copies of magazines like Maxim Korea in the rooms, but they’ve all been either stolen, damaged or had pages torn out. And so we stopped providing them.” The look on the intern’s face is sorry as she bites on her lower lip while thinking of a way to help you.

You are about to tell her that it is fine and thank her for her help, but then she comes up with an unorthodox solution. It’s one that you like.

‘Well, this is not how we normally operate at all. But if you might have trouble with getting the sample…maybe I can stay and help you with that? Only if you don’t mind, of course. If you prefer to go at it alone, I can go wait outside.”

You didn’t expect that, but you are secretly thrilled at the prospect of Yves helping you. You nod. “I don’t mind at all. I’d love your help. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m glad for the company. Could do worse than have a stunning babe with me.”

She nods in response as a slight blush colours her cheeks. Yves picks up the ‘Do not disturb’ sign, hangs it on the doorknob, closes the door and locks it. As she turns back around to face you, she pulls out a white surgical glove and fits it over her right hand.

Yves walks up to you, biting her lip, hips swaying. When she reaches you, she gently takes the vial from you, places it on the table and then her demeanour changes entirely. There is a dark glint in her eye as she runs her hands over your chest, your abdomen and stopping at your groin. “Let’s begin extracting your semen. Doctor’s orders.” Yves gives you a soft squeeze as she lowers herself down to her knees, never breaking eye contact with you. You’re sure you are quite fine with her taking charge here.

Yves nuzzles her face against the growing bulge in your pants. The friction is pleasurable, and her teeth catch hold of the zipper and pull it down. She presses soft kisses upon the fabric separating your cock from her lips and sighs softly in satisfaction. “You know, I really like the musky scent of a cock. I mean, it would be terrible as a scented candle, but it’s wonderful for making me wet and horny.”

Every time her lips part, you can feel her hot breath on your member even through the fabric of your underwear. “It’s too bad I can’t give you a blowjob. We can’t risk contaminating the sample with my saliva.” Yves grabs your hands and guides them onto her head. Then she makes you press her head down against your bulge, her open mouth taking in the tip of your cock, but with an unusual condom of fabric around it. You can feel that her mouth is warm and wet, but the feeling is somewhat muted, dampened by your underwear. The sight of her lips open and taking you in is hot though.

Your hips can’t help but thrust forward slightly a couple of times for more pleasure. Yves lets go of your hands and stands back up, her hands undoing the buttons on her shirt. “We need to arrange for a facefucking appointment soon. I need to examine your cock independently of this donation process.”  She looks pointedly at the couch. “Sit down.”

You walk over and take a seat, joined by Yves sitting at your side, her black bra and incredibly toned abdomen exposed after she had unbuttoned her top. She notices you staring. She leans in and breathes into your ear. “Go ahead. Touch me.” You don’t need a second invitation. Your hands are immediately drawn to her body. Her abs are toned and hard, and she’s not even clenching them. “Damn, you must work out a lot.” You whisper as you slip your hands under her bra. Her breasts are soft but firm, her nipples harden at your touch and her skin is heated against your hand. You start to unclasp her bra straps. You want her naked now.

“I work out a bit, but I really just have a lot of sex, mostly with my roommate.” Yves smiles slyly as she helps you by removing her coat and shirt and tossing them to the floor. You have her bra off shortly after. “Female roommate?” You ask as you toss the bra to the floor.

Yves stands up, unclasps her skirt and steps out of it before bending down and pulling your pants and underwear off, revealing your erection standing at attention. “Yeah, I love pussy as much as you do. I know guys find that hot, but right now…right now I really need to control the urge to suck you off.”

Yves gets back on her knees and her tongue starts to lick all over your cock, starting from the base and going up but missing your swollen, throbbing cockhead. You notice that she also has one hand down her panties as she’s doing this, groaning softly in pleasure as she slathers your shaft with saliva. “I’m just going to get some lube here…” It still feels good, but the tip of your cock would really like some attention.

Once she has gotten your cock well-licked, Yves gets up and sits next to you on the couch again, and her gloved hand reaches over and starts to lightly stroke it. Her thumb runs over your sensitive tip, and you can’t help but shudder at the contact.

Her other hand takes a couple of your fingers and brings them to her mouth. Slowly she sucks on them, getting them wet with her saliva. And she never breaks eye contact, even as her other hand continues to slowly jerk you off. “Damn, your bedroom eyes are so sexy.” You groan as she takes your fingers all the way to the knuckle, her tongue wrapping itself around them.

A couple of minutes later, she removes them and pull your hand over to her silky black panties. “Don’t leave me out, why don’t you help me cum, get your hands working.” As you slide you hand into her panties, the first thing you notice is how wet she is. You gently press against her slick entrance and your fingers slide in with ease. “Fuck, it’s always better when it’s another person’s hand.” Yves mutters and then rewards you with a passionate kiss, moaning into it.

Her tongue slips into your mouth just long enough to brush teasingly against yours. It beckons your tongue to explore her mouth and withdraws back in. You oblige and your tongue slides straight in; to wrestle with hers on her own turf. Your fingers continue to fuck Yves and she increases the pace of her stroking as she gets more heated herself.

You break the kiss and your lips seek out her neck, taking in the scent of her shampoo as you do so, and you pepper her with soft nibbles and licks of her skin down from her neck until you reach a hardened nipple, which you happily take into your mouth. The sharp intake of breath she makes is music to your ears. You suck on her nipple as your fingers slide into her all the way to the knuckle and curl inside her.

The intern’s breathing is ragged and the only sounds coming from her mouth now are soft moans of “Oppa…’ as you alternate between attacking her two nipples and her sensitive neck with your lips. She’s given up on her handjob at this point, her hands instead finding purchase on the back of your head and neck. You sense that Yves is close to orgasm. And this is when you start running your thumb roughly over her engorged clit.

Yves runs her two hands into your hair and grabs it roughly as her entire body tenses, and then there is a strangled half-cry as she goes taut and cums all over your hand and her panties. You continue to fuck her with your fingers through her orgasm until her body relaxes and she flops down to the couch, spent.

As you remove your fingers from inside of her, Yves lies back, a contented smile on her face. “If that was what your fingers felt like, now I really can’t wait to be fucked by your cock.” She says breathlessly, as she winks at you. She leans in and gives you a peck on the lips as her hands help your remove the shirt you’re still wearing, tossing it onto the floor, which is, by now, littered with clothing from the both of you. “I need to do my job and get that sperm sample now.”

Yves sees that you’ve softened a little in her neglect and so wraps her gloved hand around your cock again, stroking quickly while her mouth attacks your nipples. In no time, you are fully hard again. She gets up to her feet, and one hand gently tugs on yours, urging you to stand with her. She picks the container for the sample off the table with the other.

You follow her to the wall, where she uses her free hand to push you up against it, and then she locks her thighs together and guides your cock into the smooth, damp space between her thighs and just below the panty-covered lips of her pussy. Aided by how slick her thighs are with a combination of sweat and pussy juices, your cock slides right into place. One gloved hand still holding onto the glass vial, she rests the other upon the wall for balance.

Yves has her near-naked body pressed up against your own body; her breasts rest against your chest and her hips are almost connected to yours. In this position, you can feel the heat and wetness of her pussy even through the thin, lacy fabric of her panties separating your shaft from direct contact with it. Your hands wander behind Yves and you rest one hand on the small of her back, the other grabs a generous amount of ass and pulls her that little bit closer to you. “Nice ass.”

“That’s what everyone says.”

Yves starts to rock her hips back and forth, fucking your cock with her thighs, and your hips also buck forward, unable to resist the friction of sliding across her smooth thighs. “The Japanese call this sumata. You know some men prefer fucking like this? Since it’s safer than normal sex and the pleasure is just as good.”

You are in no position to argue or answer as Yves increases her speed and her mouth roughly devours one of your nipples as well. You feel your orgasm slowly building and she correctly senses that her sperm sample will be arriving soon. “Are you going to cum soon, oppa?”

You nod as you squeeze her butt tighter. Yves pulls off you, which draws a frustrated low groan from you, but she quickly pulls you forward and swaps places with you. The sexy medical intern then bends over in front of you, still in her heels. “Not inside. Same as before, but this time, you do the fucking.”

“I have to do the hard work now?” You jokingly pretend to be annoyed, but in truth, the only thing you want to do right now is fuck Yves senseless until you’re both sweaty, exhausted messes.

As Yves locks her thighs together again, she places the container right at her crotch and holds onto the wall with the other hand. When you unload your sperm, it will all go into the vial. You slide into that small space once again, but this time her butt is bent and facing you, so you take the opportunity to lightly spank her ass cheeks and give them both a good squeeze. Yves shivers and turns her head back to look at you.

“You know, we should get together another time and then you can give me a good fucking in the ass. And mouth. And pussy. But probably not in that order. You want to be my fuckbuddy?”

You pull Yves’ panties to the side and run two fingers across her outer lips, causing her to moan softly. “So…fuckbuddies, then. Just like your roommate? I can do that.”

The sound of wet flesh slapping together fills the room as you start thrusting into Yves’ thighs, and she also moans and urges you to cum for her. “Oppa…please cum for me, I wanna taste your cum, fuck me hard, please….”

You are unable to hold back at her needy voice and a few minutes later, you unload all your built-up sperm into the glass vial with a loud groan. Yves quickly gets off your cock and then gets on her knees and tugs on your cock with her gloved hand to make sure that she gets as much as she can out of you.

Yves seals the vial with its cap and turns her attention to cleaning your cock with her mouth. You shiver and moan as her lips first touch and then engulf your sensitive shaft and she thoroughly licks and sucks you clean, even going so far as to deepthroat your spent cock. It feels amazing and you almost wish that she had sucked you off instead. Another time, perhaps.

As she gets to her feet, Yves runs a finger over a bit of your cum that ended up on her thighs and sucks that finger clean as she goes for her clothing to get dressed.

“You can rest for a bit; I’ll get the sample stored safely. When you’re ready, you can come find me at the counter and we will get your blood samples.” The both of you slowly cover up your sweaty bodies with your clothing once more. When Yves is done, she gives you a smooch on the cheek and then turns to leave.

Yves goes to the door, looks back and winks at you. “I’ll have your phone number from your patient records, so…I’ll KaTalk you tonight.” She unlocks the door and leaves.

You eventually recover enough and go to get your blood drawn by Yves who has cleaned up her makeup very quickly. After that, you are sent back home to rest for the rest of the day.

That night, you receive a message from Yves on KakaoTalk. It’s an audio recording of her masturbating and having an orgasm while calling out your name. That tease.

Damn it, you’re looking forward to getting a date sorted out to meet up and properly fuck.

[chelsfic]

Words, Spoken and Unspoken - Donald Pierce x Tracker!Reader - Logan/X-Men fanfic

This is part of a series which includes: Hunted, Loving Mourners Be , Magic Words. You can read any of them on their own, but this one falls loosely after Hunted.

A/N: As you can tell I really just wanted to write some more praise kink shit with Pierce.

Summary: Another glimpse at the relationship between Donald Pierce and his “pet” mutant.

Content Warnings: Angst, Smut, Intense! Praise kink, Blow job, Stockholm Syndrome, Abusive relationship dynamic

---

Donald figures out early on what works with you. He’d tried the stick for days before realizing his mistake. All you need is the carrot.

“I’m not going to ask you again, mutie,” he growls, digging the muzzle of his gun into your temple as you cringe on the ground at his feet. “You know those doctors have all the DNA samples they need to recreate your little magic trick in a test tube. One word from me and we’ll put you down like a dog. Where. Is. The mutant?”

“I’m trying!” you cry. Your eyes burn with tears and you’re exhausted from straining your powers but it’s pointless. You’re too terrified to function. You couldn’t pinpoint a mutant if they were ten feet away from you. Normally your power comes to you as easy as breathing but...when you’re this stressed there’s only ever one thing that helps. And you’re unlikely to get it from this man whose native language is cruelty.

Donald sighs, tucking the gun back into its holster and crouching down beside you in the dirt. He ducks his head to catch your gaze with piercing blue eyes that seem to cut right into your soul. 

“Alright, baby…,” he drawls. “Last chance--”

He’s crouched so close you can feel the heat of his body. With no other options you close your eyes against his penetrating gaze and whisper the words under your breath.

“What’s that?” he asks with an edge of annoyance. 

You take a tremulous breath and lean forward, pressing your forehead into his strong shoulder as you speak, “Tell me I’m good…”

For a long moment he’s silent and then you feel the vibration of his laughter through his shoulder. It makes you want to melt into the ground in embarrassment.  

“So that’s it, huh?” he takes your face in his hands. His warm, rough palm cupping one cheek while the cold metal of the prosthetic cups the other. “You want me to tell you you’re a good little girl, is that it?”

You let out a shuddering gasp at his words and nod your head, keeping your eyes shut tight. Your fingers curl around his forearms, holding his hands in place. 

“Look at me,” he whispers, brushing the tears from your cheeks, “Go on, look at me.”

You open your eyes. His face is only inches from yours, your breath mingles together. If you leaned forward even an inch you could kiss him. Why did you just think that?

He offers you a smile, his gold tooth catching the sunlight as he speaks, “Thatta girl. Now you’re gonna calm down right now and help me find this mutant, alright? Can you do that? Can you be a good girl for Donnie?”

You nod and he leans forward, pressing his forehead into yours. It feels so intimate...so real. You can pretend you’re someplace safe with someone who cares for you. And just like that your mind unfogs and your senses come to life, telling you exactly where you need to go. 

---

Later, after you’ve started sleeping together, Donald comes to learn just how much his praise affects you.

“That’s it, baby. You’re doing great. You’re doing so good,” Donnie’s words come out hot and heavy on his breath. His pleasured groans vibrate down into you as he thrusts his cock deeper into your mouth; saliva dribbles out the sides of your lips. You roll your eyes up to catch his as the words fall from his tongue, “Mmm, that’s my good girl.”

He thrusts into you a few more times, cupping the back of your head with a firm hand before pulling out with an obscene pop. You fall back on your haunches, eyes blown wide with lust and drool pouring from your swollen lips. Donnie smirks looking down at you, loving the way his debauched little mutant falls apart for him. 

“C’mere, baby,” he holds out his hand and helps you to stand on shaky legs. He guides you over to his king size bed, pushing you down until you're laying flat on your back with your legs dangling over the sides. He pulls off your light weight pants and underwear, tossing them to the floor behind him before rounding back on you and pushing the t-shirt up past your bare breasts. He’s still fully clothed, standing between your knees with only his jutting erection exposed. 

“You like this don’t you, baby?” he taunts. “You like being naked and vulnerable for me. Are you gonna let me do whatever I want to you? Hmm? My little mutie?”

He grasps his thick cock in his hand, dragging it up and down the length of your wet pussy. You let out a mewling cry at the contact, bucking your hips enthusiastically. 

“Use your words, baby,” he says in a calm tone that contradicts the slight sheen of sweat on his forehead. 

“You know I like it, Donnie,” you hiss, impatient to feel him inside you. 

Donnie chuckles at your tone, “I think you’re getting spoiled, darlin’... I’m gonna have to fuck some manners back into you.”

And then he’s thrusting himself inside you without a hint of warning. Donnie’s a big man, in every sense. Even as turned on as you are you can still feel the stretch of him as his cock bottoms out inside you. He anchors his hand on your hip, fingers firm but gentle, rocking into you at an unrelenting pace as he murmurs every dirty thought that flies through his head.

“That’s good, baby. You take it so good for me, don’t you? Fuck, you’re so tiny, ain’t you? I love watching you take me inside you. My good little mutie...”

He releases his grip on your hip and drives the heel of his palm over your clit, rubbing frantic circles into the tender bundle and reveling in the twitching puddle you dissolve into so quickly. Your whole body tenses and pulses as you climb toward your orgasm. Donnie slows his hand, his eyes glinting with mischief as he watches you pant with frustration.

“Don’t--don’t stop, baby!” you urge him, writhing on his cock. “Please, Donnie! I fuckin’ love you...don’t stop...I love you…”

“Good girl,” his gruff voice is strained as he slams his hips into you at a faster pace while he continues his attentions to your clit. “Come for me, baby. Come on my cock, baby.”

You cry out his name as the orgasm hits you, stars flashing in your vision and muscles quivering with your release. Donnie pulls out of you just in time to spill his semen over your stomach. He rubs his cock in the mess, painting you with his seed as you come down from your high. 

Afterwards you’re as limp as a ragdoll, laying wantonly spread out on his bed. Donnie cleans you up with a warm towel and tucks you under the covers before joining you. He can be so soft in these moments. He lays down behind you, pulling you close and curving his body around yours, kissing your shoulder as you start to drift to sleep.

“Donnie?” you murmur sleepily.

“Yeah, baby?”

Do you love me?

…

“Do you...do you hate me?” Coward.

“What?” he sounds nonplussed.

You curl inward on yourself a little and Donnie’s body moves with you, keeping you snugly tucked against him.

“I mean...because I’m...a mutant,” you explain, hating how fragile your voice sounds. He could crush you right now if he wanted. With nothing but his words.

He squeezes his arms around you and sighs, grasping for answers in the sweet feel of your body against his.

“No, baby, I don’t hate you…”  

I...

You fall asleep in his embrace. And as you drift off you let yourself forget. You let yourself forget that he’s your captor, your jailer. You forget that he thinks mutants are less than human, a plague of genetic mistakes. You forget that he will be the one who escorts you back to your cell in just a few short hours. 

You forget everything but the feel of his body curved around yours. And the weight of unspoken words pressing on the air around you.

Tags:

@nothing-but-a-comedy​ @ionlyjoinedforboydholbrook​ @theplumsoldier​ @meri47​

[punkscowardschampions]

Joe & Ronnie

Joe: [Enough time later that you might think you’ll not hear from him again, realistically like a day or two but given what you did it’d seem like longer/regret and dip ‘cos ya should but we know that ain’t it]

Joe: you spent Charlie’s modelling money yet

Ronnie: long gone baby like you

Ronnie: if you were after a cut shouldve taken it sooner

Joe: nah, it’s yours

Joe: his but sounds like he enjoyed himself, by her account

Joe: no need to ask what you spent it on

Ronnie: but you wanna hear my account yeah

Ronnie: thats what this is

Joe: do you think that’s what this is

Ronnie: youre not taking up space in my head mckenna

Joe: and not in your diary, as you pointed out up top

Joe: busy busy yeah

Ronnie: i werent asked to audition to be a doss student cunt 💔

Ronnie: & the one he brought back didnt fancy me enough to ask me to join in either

Ronnie: busy getting out their way

Joe: leave it a couple years you’ll be a mature student and they ask less questions

Joe: how rude

Joe: after you told him about your massive cock and everything? 💔

Ronnie: go ed and dig me up when youve graduated then

Ronnie: 3s a crowd when 2 of em are scousers & the others from fuck knows where didnt have you to translate or the horse for scale

Joe: after an invite? Sure thing, sis

Joe: not Kent then, gutted

Ronnie: less questions you said put your ? away gobshite

Ronnie: not england but i aint a skinhead who cares so hes as alive as dorothy ever leaves em

Joe: people love that though

Joe: black EDL members and asian conservatives, such a laugh for ‘em

Ronnie: too late to go back and put the boot in now he ll have been shown the door & it wasnt me getting a name or number

Joe: his loss all ‘round then, I get it

Ronnie: yeah

Joe: alright, so I need linking

Ronnie: you got cash or you selling yourself

Joe: I’ve got cash, just not the contact

Ronnie: hand it over ill pick up for you

Joe: you think i’m that green

Ronnie: what colour do you reckon you are

Joe: you’ve got no prejudice, apparently, so what’s it matter

Joe: [picture of some of the multi-coloured bruises you acquired]

Ronnie: he was a pussy & you want me to connect you to people who aint

Ronnie: youre an easy target

Joe: you wanna pocket my money yourself instead, I get it

Joe: you can have a % of the shit, alright

Joe: not asking you to do it for nothing

Ronnie: thats all theyd do when you show up with your baby face and habit

Ronnie: ill take your money & still have it pocketed cos i dont need student loans to score no shit are you asking me to do it for nothing

Joe: what you gonna give me to keep hold of ‘til you give me mine

Ronnie: add an arm to your collection what do i care

Joe: yeah, what do ya

Ronnie: you want a easy pick up get a schoolboy plug i dont know any

Ronnie: i care about money youre ready to waste

Joe: that’s part of the appeal

Joe: why get it in a safe, nearly legitimate way

Joe: half the fun, eh, alright, alright

Joe: do it then, I don’t know no fucker else I can ask yet, I’ve gambled on worse

Ronnie: i just wanna get it thats the fun

Ronnie: get into a fight with whoever the fuck you like whenever for a pissing contest

Joe: you wanna start one ‘fore I’ve given you the cash and you’ve given me mine?

Joe: that’s blatant bullshit

Ronnie: you wish

Ronnie: save your childish excitement for the phone call home like

Joe: nah, you’re full of shit that it’s not just as much about the company and authentic experience

Joe: there’s plenty dealers that are nowt but businessmen

Joe: nothing but a transaction and they’ll sell to a junkie and city banker as one in the same

Joe: don’t act like you don’t have a deathwish or what was the point of taking me there and showing me

Ronnie: where the fuck am i meeting buisinessmen or getting the cash to pay em

Ronnie: dont be fucking rem

Joe: everyone’s stupid enough to wanna get their dick sucked over cold hard cash every other deal, no matter how presentable or legit they play

Ronnie: ive got the links ive got

Joe: fine

Joe: where you wanna do this then

Ronnie: whats your problem

Ronnie: [but a location anyway]

Joe: what’s mine

Joe: thought we’d covered that in length or are you less convinced now

Ronnie: convinced youve got fuck all to cry about

Joe: obviously

Joe: definitely bother with you if that were true

Ronnie: you wanted a big sister im doing all the hand holding

Joe: I never did and I still don’t

Joe: but you carrying on with the pretence if it makes you feel better

Ronnie: i didnt come to you or ask for fuck all to make me better

Joe: yeah you’re blameless

Joe: all in my fucked up head and not yours

Joe: what’s it like being an 👼🏼

Ronnie: i already told you you aint in my head & you werent in my veins for long enough to get fucking soft about it

Joe: i’ll be there in [however long that’d take you]

Ronnie: boss

Joe: you sound like them, you know

Ronnie: i dunno who the fuck youre talking about

Joe: the rest of the fam, of course

Joe: glad to see that the level of chatting bollocks to make yourself feel better is genetic, s’not depressing at all

Ronnie: that still dont clear fuck all up for me except that youre a bigger cunt than i thought

Joe: you don’t think about me

Joe: and none of that shit happened, your memory loss and confusion extends to that, don’t worry

Ronnie: you like me but you still compare me to em every chance you get

Ronnie: fuck you

Joe: yeah, fuck me

Joe: like you haven’t just

Joe: forget it, actually forget it

Ronnie: youre as full of shit as you reckon I am

Ronnie: forget that its been ages & youre speaking up now cause you want something

Joe: i haven’t been able to flick my brain onto anything else, never mind shut it down, I haven’t slept or eat or done anything to take me away from it, you

Joe: and it meant nothing to you

Joe: fuck you

Ronnie: gear not me

Ronnie: theres the authentic experience you were going on about

Joe: no

Ronnie: yeah

Joe: this is what I mean

Joe: you know as well as I do what it was

Joe: why are you fucking lying and saying I am

Ronnie: im a junkie all i do is lie & nothing else means anything to me

Ronnie: youre worse than green if you dont fucking know that

Joe: you’re lying that it meant nothing

Joe: not lying that it did

Joe: even if it made you fucking sick, that isn’t nothing and I don’t believe you

Ronnie: dont believe me i dont care who the fuck are you

Joe: your brother

Ronnie: youre nothing

Joe: yeah right

Ronnie: the dealer means more

Joe: already pointed out you’re that much of a cliche

Ronnie: what we can’t both be a cliche take it then

Joe: never heard that one

Ronnie: nows your chance to make a final comparison between me & whatever family member you hate or are turned on by the most

Joe: final chance, alright then, sound even more stupid

Ronnie: sound like more of a pussy that youre kicking off over this but not gonna fuck off

Joe: why would I?

Joe: i’m not pretending that it weren’t a thing

Ronnie: nah youre pretending it was

Ronnie: whoever the fuck ever told you youre special is the liar here like

Joe: your mate don’t count, you ain’t done that before either so fuck off with your jaded routine

Ronnie: hes my brother when & where it counts

Joe: there’s no blood and no reason not to go there, that’s where it counts

Ronnie: if i wanted to fuck you too your ma wouldnt stop me she means even less than you

Joe: yeah

Joe: you and your life aren’t totally fucked because of how much you care

Ronnie: you dont know shit about me or my life

Joe: you wish

Ronnie: you dont

Joe: or do you, actually

Joe: you shove it in everyone’s face, what do you reckon everyone thinks

Ronnie: youve seen a few scars & now youve seen into my soul yeah

Ronnie: shut the fuck up for all you know i lived a couple of doors down from you for your whole bullshit childhood

Joe: you look like that and reckon it doesn’t scream mommy issues? Fuck off, you aren’t that dumb

Ronnie: fuck you

Ronnie: everything you do is pure about her

Joe: not everything but I can admit she contributed

Ronnie: shes the 1st bitch to fuck me over but not the only is the difference between us

Ronnie: that unwanted bullshit was a pattern

Joe: you don’t know me either

Ronnie: i know you had a set of parents who kept hold of you however fucking west you were

Ronnie: no cunt was calling you racist shit or trying to touch you up

Joe: you’ve got a monopoly on fucked then, got it

Ronnie: like fuck have i but mine dont start & stop at mommy dearest how you think

Joe: of course it doesn’t

Joe: neither does mine

Ronnie: stop acting like youre an expert on how and why my head is wrecked and i wont have to kick yours in

Joe: you started it

Joe: but that’s good with me

Ronnie: get over yourself mckenna

Ronnie: you like what i start

Joe: i prefer the other night

Ronnie: yeah i like when youre getting punched in the face too

Joe: you can do the honours in a bit

Joe: fuck healing, yeah

Ronnie: what did your girlfriend say

Joe: oh, I got mugged and her dad’s gonna get her some pepper spray and a rape alarm 👍

Ronnie: hot

Ronnie: but she ll have dreamt you fell off the horse only got the single fantasy in her

Joe: that her dad’s so responsible and caring? would be her #2 if she had the range

Ronnie: if hes delivering that shit in person let me know so i can start something with him

Joe: oh god

Joe: that reminds me

Joe: She wants to invite Charlie over for like, a dinner party or something

Ronnie: if her daddy is there hes gonna need that rape alarm back off her to fend off mary

Joe: 😂

Joe: idk if she’s that oblivious and now wants Charlie to fuck her, or she thinks he’s my only mate 🙄

Ronnie: shes over you baby i scared her off

Joe: or she thought you was gonna ask for a line 😏

Joe: if that’s true I’ll owe you, again

Ronnie: ket hook up

Joe: you think she’ll let her love be in pain on your behalf?

Joe: not likely

Ronnie: not gonna ask politely

Joe: hot

Joe: I was gonna hit you up sooner

Joe: I tried to find you after

Ronnie: you didnt try hard

Joe: I only had one eye, by that point

Ronnie: im an attention whore with screaming mommy issues cant make it no easier to spot me in a crowd

Joe: in that crowd?

Joe: or will you be pissy if I call you dime a dozen

Ronnie: still got the accent as my own personal rape alarm

Joe: where’d you go then

Ronnie: youre a tourist theres no point telling you

Joe: if you left with that lad, no need to go over the details, got the picture

Ronnie: why the fuck would i leave with him

Joe: you mean you weren’t in his pants for his benefit

Joe: careful, getting bit close to honesty

Ronnie: i mean to go where i dont need a horse or an en suite

Ronnie: youre a hopeless romantic like

Joe: that’s a new complaint, I’ll tell my exes

Joe: deffo their fault after-all, buzzing

Ronnie: how many are there

Joe: get less slut-shaming off Soph, cheek

Joe: I dunno, I had to keep it moving because of all the secret mommy issues, you know

Joe: I’ll do a tally

Ronnie: its not already carved into your arm no wonder theyre pissy at you

Joe: if that worked for any of ‘em they could come back from the ex thing

Joe: 💔

Ronnie: try her initials whatever the fuck they are in between dinner party courses and win her back

Joe: you should come

Ronnie: id be made up if she pepper sprays me

Joe: it’d be the only way this won’t be the worst evening ever

Ronnie: loads of ways to take out your other eye ill pass you a spoon

Joe: give a go doing my A-Z carving with it too

Joe: 🤞 she invites her twink classmate and you can try for your threesome

Ronnie: she’ll get in there before us cause youll have distracted me with the state of your cackhanded 💘 carving

Joe: can’t say I’d be sorry

Ronnie: you catholics invented anal but i reckon its overrated

Joe: you’d probably feel different if that’s where your g-spot was but can’t say I disagree with that either, not that that’s anything too deep to have in common so we’re fine

Joe: and raised strictly un-catholic so the pope can’t have a go

Ronnie: nah no cunt would find it if it was there either

Joe: 💔 baby

Ronnie: you mean it

Joe: yeah

Joe: which bit, though

Ronnie: my invite to the shitshow

Joe: ‘course

Joe: if it’s shit, you’ll only have yourself to blame for not livening it up enough

Joe: and I will have to kill myself if I have to be there sincerely

Ronnie: he knows about you

Ronnie: might wanna kill yourself if he opens his mouth

Joe: oh

Joe: so I’m gonna have to act all nice and respectful, yeah

Ronnie: if you wanna make me sound full of shit

Joe: what did you say?

Ronnie: told him i shot you he werent best pleased about it but youre not his brother so fuck all he can do

Joe: sweet

Joe: still not gonna fuck him though

Ronnie: hed get your g spot for you 🍒

Joe: not if he’s worried about my innocence

Ronnie: hes worried about my head getting wrecked not yours only bitch who is

Joe: you’ll have to tell him what you told me

Joe: I ain’t in there

Ronnie: you fairies bring everything back to your obsession with your mothers course hes no fucking exception

Ronnie: & cos i stole my file when i was a kid he thinks i give a shit too you were part of the happy 🏡 picture he was getting in a flap about but i tore through that 🌈 optimism with the 💉

Ronnie: you can have lively

Joe: better he knows than goes on about it

Joe: it’s far from 🌈☀️ even if you were up for it

Ronnie: every soft lad but him knows its ⛈ if not outright 🌨

Joe: when I started looking, if you were like them, I weren’t even gonna bother to talk to you

Joe: just give her the info and let her do it herself

Joe: but I knew you weren’t

Ronnie: told you youd have liked me at 9

Joe: 😏 yeah yeah

Ronnie: shed have bailed before scrolling that far back even with the pure messy sketchy shit kept off for the sake of dorothys cv

Joe: idk,she bangs on about her own glory days as ‘precaution’ enough

Joe: probably dead proud

Ronnie: raincheck on dinner i gotta go slit my throat after hearing that like

Joe: yeah, it’s real fun

Joe: far as starters go though, you’re welcome

Ronnie: cos you owe me go ed & drag my corpse there dress it up like horse girl and send her that info so i dont make her proud yeah

Joe: gotcha

Joe: the fibres sending Soph down are an unfortunate side-affect or added bonus, depending how you feel

Ronnie: dressing like a dyke art teacher is shady to my mourners hed have loved having me on the team

Joe: sure she wants to be buried in her jodhpurs, like

Joe: not gay but kink-adjacent, he’ll be alright

Ronnie: inside the horse youll have to hollow it out for her

Joe: poor horse not ready to be made into glue but there we go

Ronnie: but when youre ready to follow me to the grave only need a plastic bag

Joe: follow you anywhere, or whatever sounds good in a song

Ronnie: not had a little brother like that before

Ronnie: never know the mime is behind you or not

Joe: he shy or you cut his tongue out altogether

Ronnie: saving that for you cos i know how you feel about 🍒 & theres fuck all else left

Ronnie: hed never get attention whore out or mommy issues w & m forget it

Joe: I can feel the slutshame

Joe: there hasn’t been hundreds, come on

Joe: you were being weird, I needed to get you talking, it worked

Ronnie: how many then

Joe: I guess 6 total, not counting anyone before like 15 because that isn’t real, maybe 7 but we might be pushing the term girlfriend there

Ronnie: 💘 how many songs

Joe: not destined for the bin? Fuck all

Joe: cliche points off the charts though

Ronnie: i know youve seen the busking vids hes still got posted up that im in i cant say shit

Joe: you’re good

Joe: even when you have to go Top40 for the tips

Joe: class thing about the cello, looks more pitiful ‘cos the case is massive, people try to fill it, like

Ronnie: soz im not killing myself fast enough for you

Ronnie: miss me with your schoolboy cliches 🖕

Joe: don’t worry, the songs were ‘insert name here’ jobs if they were anything

Joe: don’t wanna sound like I’m singing about a 75 year old bloke, do I

Ronnie: if itd been changed you wouldnt have found me shit at stalking as you are songwriting like

Joe: you’ve already got your own song anyway, don’t be greedy

Ronnie: ill keep you some 🐴 if youre not

Ronnie: 1st thing i tried if you do wanna follow after us

Joe: trip down memory lane we can both handle

Joe: ‘course

Ronnie: dont have any exes itll have to do

Joe: prefer the ket

Ronnie: write a song about it

Joe: [blatantly will in a pisstake way]

Ronnie: k gonna be dead easy to carve with the spoon can do it rattling

Joe: your faith in my abilities is appreciated

Ronnie: youre not fucking here youll have to

Joe: just got out the station hold on

Ronnie: fuck telling me to hold on you hurry up

Joe: if you shut up I can run

Ronnie: can you

Joe: fuck off i’m not that unfit 😂

Ronnie: nah dead fit far as homos and horse girls reckon

Joe: lucky me

Ronnie: youve had 7 bitches no cunts gonna feel sorry for you

Joe: all various shades of boring though

Ronnie: no shit

Joe: so you’re saying you ain’t gutted for me? 💔

Ronnie: your virginity sob story is like me in that crowd of cunts you couldnt find your way through

Joe: Christ, don’t remind me, first and last time I ever went near a virgin

Ronnie: theyre all older than you itd be pathetic well as boring

Joe: exactly

Joe: too much hassle having to worry about them, destroys any point of doing it

Ronnie: gotta put their kids in the cupboard as is

Joe: fortune in gaffa tape, like

Ronnie: still not 💔 mckenna going on about how flush you are since i met you

Joe: amazing how far you can stretch the loans when you steal Soph’s food and do fuck all that ain’t necessary

Joe: not like I actually dated any sugar mommies

Joe: should’ve, clearly but carefree 18-25s are easiest actually

Ronnie: gears necessary now youre gonna have to start stealing more than her pasta shapes

Joe: you’re my manager now, are you 😏

Joe: there’s shit I can do, music gigs, it’s fine

Ronnie: fine for your baby habit

Ronnie: it wont last

Joe: alright doom and gloom

Joe: not gonna learn how to cover my teeth yet

Ronnie: fuck off & fuck you

Joe: i’m here so come say it to my face

Ronnie: youre not better than me cos you can nod through a cello practice

Joe: where’d I say I was

Ronnie: when you said how fucking functional you are

Joe: I didn’t, I said I could get cash, that’s all

Ronnie: so can i its not the fucking point

Joe: and I didn’t say you couldn’t so what’s yours

Ronnie: youre not a fucking kid at the pool if youre gonna pussy out cos the waters too cold fucking do it

Joe: I’m in and you know that

Joe: so let me in

Ronnie: bullshit are you

Ronnie: youre proud of yourself for treading water

Joe: you’ve got the plug, I’ve got the cash, what is the problem with that

Joe: it’s an equalizer, if anything

Ronnie: we ll never be equal

Ronnie: you can cover your arm run off to class & pick up another boring girl whenever the fuck you like

Joe: what do you want me to do, seriously

Joe: say it

Ronnie: stop talking

Ronnie: fucks sake

Joe: [Show up hun]

Ronnie: [I love the idea that they have to wait around for ages for this dealer in awkward silence haha]

Joe: [the casual tension]

Ronnie: [god knows what she’s gonna use to ease the tension with a lil bit o self harm because god knows where they even are, I worry about you and all the infections you would get gal]

Joe: [the casual one-upmanship until you’re interrupted]

Ronnie: [we know she’s not paying him in cash and we know why she’s not please don’t get into another fight Joseph]

Joe: [got to let that one go as she was specifically like you’re not better than me, probably fuck off whilst that happens ‘cos not gonna stick about]

Ronnie: [take your heroin and calm down huns]

Joe: [hope you take enough to pass out ‘cos you’re not gonna be in any sort of mood now either of ya lol]

Ronnie: [we’ll do you both that favour]

[seulgiswhoreee]

request list

SMUT

pick a number and put it in your request along with a random pairing (like incubus!____ x virgin!reader) and a brief plot :)

KINKS 1. pussy slapping 2. breeding kink 3. acarophilia (arousal from scratching) 4. anal 5. barebacking (unprotected sex) 6. begging 7. breathplay 8. bondage 9. breast/nipple torture 10. breast/nipple worship 11. praise kink 12. degradation kink 13. daddy kink 14. cock worship 15. collaring 16. cunnilingus (oral sex basically) 17. dacryphilia (arousal from crying) 18. dirty talk 19. double penetration (one anal, one vaginal) 20. double vaginal penetration (2 dicks or toys penetrating the vagina) 21. face fucking 22. face slapping 23. gerontophilia (being attracted to way older people) 24. alcohol or drug consumption before, after, or during sex 25. intercrural sex (basically fucking in between the thighs) 26. JOI (giving your partner masturbation instructions) 27. katopronophilia (sex in front of a mirror) 28. size kink 29. bulge kink 30. orgasm denial 31. temperature play (ice cubes or hot wax) 32. quirofilia (aroused by long ass fingers and/or big hands) 33. sensory deprivation 34. somnophilia 35. phone sex

ANTI-SMUT (like angst, comedy, fluff)

Pick a number, make a random pairing (i.e husband!____ x reader) and give me a brief plot to request! :)

PROMPTS

"Ma'am, is this your dog?"

“No, it’s really not that complicated. He’s a bad person.”

“Hey… what’s wrong with your face?”

“Ah yes, come in. Close the door behind you.”

“How could you do this to me?”

“Um, sorry. That one’s not for sale.”

“You’ve got thirty seconds to explain to me what you’re doing here.”

“Ain’t nobody ever told you who your real daddy is?”

“I know this may be hard to believe, but I’m on your side.”

“Never heard of that being used as a murder weapon before.”

“Just sit around and cry, then. I don’t have that luxury.”

“I’m sorry. I thought you were someone else.”

“That’s the nice thing about telling the truth. You don’t have nearly as much to keep track of.”

“Of course we’re best friends. No one else would put up with our shenanigans.”

“That’s the least of your worries.”

“You look a lot different from your profile picture.”

“Do you trust me?”

“You found it on the beach? You know, when most people take a walk on the beach, they pick up seashells.”

“Sir. This is for children only.”

“I haven’t tried this on a human yet, but it should be very similar.”

“What? I meant it as a compliment.”

“Who put this in my coat pocket?”

“I can’t do this anymore.”

“You think you’re so good-looking, but deep down, you’re the kind of ugly that PhotoShop can’t fix.”

“I know you did your best, but it just wasn’t enough.”

“Even if I could stop it, I wouldn’t.”

“You have got to see this.”

“Guess who made the evening news?”

“I don’t really think of myself as a thief…”

“Are you just going to keep walking by my house or are you going to come in?”

“We do things a little differently in the 21st century.”

“Please return to your assigned seat.”

“Dude. It’s 3 in the morning.”

“I can’t believe I used to think he was attractive.”

“Actually, you are speaking to the manager.”

“Where are your clothes?”

“Well, this contest isn’t going to rig itself.”

“Hi, I’m calling about your ad?”

“I can’t believe I’m telling you this.”

“I should have told you this a long time ago.”

“I am only telling the truth when I say that you have not behaved completely as a gentleman in this matter.”

“I thought we were friends!”

“That’s not a good look.”

“It’s a genetic trait, but it’s exceptionally rare.”

“I love you, but I don’t even think I know who you really are.”

“She’s evil, but she does have a point there.”

“I didn’t know you could talk.”

“Sweetie, what were you thinking?”

“What makes you think it was an accident?”

“Sorry. You’re the first person I’ve spoken to in ten years.”

“I don’t suppose you’ve got a blowtorch around here?”

“I know you’re here. You may as well show yourself.”

“Get a job!”

“This isn’t going to be a typical best man speech.”

“According to this, you owe them eighty thousand dollars.”

“We thought at first that it was part of the performance.”

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen y’all in church.”

“I would break his thumbs right now if I could.”

“Why are you helping me?”

“That’s the worst reason I’ve ever heard to have a baby.”

“I didn’t even recognize you!”

“Is it worth breaking your vows over?”

“I told you not to read that.”

“Put the turkey down.”

“I didn’t ask to be abducted.”

“That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Where did you learn how to do that?”

“Are you banned from all Taco Bells or just that Taco Bell?”

“I thought you had him!”

“Humility is not one of my many virtues.”

“How can you stand living here?”

“She’s young, fertile, and from a good family. What more do you need to know?”

“Sometimes being a total geek pays off.”

“You don’t have the correct paperwork.”

“Careful not to break the—oh.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything, but yeah.”

“I’d love to help, but I want to keep all of my money in case I want to spend it on other things.”

“Well aren’t you the cutest little thing?”

“Why is that your password?”

“Please don’t use sarcasm. It confuses me.”

“After we lost you, things just weren’t the same.”

“If you were logical you would’ve killed me already.”

“Well, that could’ve gone better.”

“Sometimes I feel like she’s still at my side.”

“We’ve been waiting two hours.”

“Your services are no longer required.”

“I feel like we’ve met before…”

“Does he hit you?”

“Yes, it’s a questionable line of work, but I’m good at it.”

“This used to be a great country, but people like you are destroying it.”

“I’m cured. I swear.”

“My chances of living to a ripe old age are unfortunately excellent.”

“Let’s face it, you don’t exactly blend in.”

“Forgive me if I’m misreading things, but do you want to make out?”

“The next time you shoot a guy, don’t do it on national television.”