#yeah sure I don't need to explain myself
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Hallo ๐โโ๏ธ
I realize I haven't posted here in quite some time!!
Am I braindead? Always ๐
Am I abandonning this fandom? No, simply taking a mental break ๐โโ๏ธ What's up? I'm in Baldur's Gate 3 brainrot hell and I'm LIVING FOR IT. ๐ (I shitpost a lot on Twitter)
I've straightened up a lot of priorities in the last few months: - Commissions are now forever closed. No more. Never. Nada. I am absolutely done with it. The last few ones I did over the last few months made me realize that I do not enjoy drawing for others anymore unless it's for shits and giggles, or a trade with friends. (no, do not try to be my friend to get free art. been there, done that)
- I am revisiting my deep love for medieval fantasy stuff. That is where I've always felt more creative and generally inspired. The last few drawings I did and texts I've written really reflect that. (I do plan on continuing some of my tmnt fics tho, that's for sure)
- I do not see the need to push content as much over the years. I am satisfied with doing things for myself, and frankly I've been gaining less and less traction over time because of how sporadically I post in general. The internet is really strange now with its algorithms and views and "for you" pages, etc. BLEHRG. If people find my stuff and like it, good for them. Otherwise, I post for myself or just don't post at all ๐คทโโ๏ธ as long as I'm happy, that's what matters.
- Not gonna lie, I'm also doing this to prepare myself mentally to not be so dependant of the internet and having my sole source of happiness come from it. My partner and I have some plans for the future - some which involve actually starting a family - so I know the internet cannot be a priority.
- My career is taking a lot of twists and turns. I am more involved in the video game development sphere and I'm aiming for roles up high in management. Things are moving fast this year and I might get where I want to be sooner than later. That is going to take a lot of my time and energy. So any free time I have, I want it to be for ME.
So uhhhhhhh, that's the big lines I guess. I see lots of drama on the internet and I will have none of that. I'll stay in my bubble and enjoy my stuff however I want. I'll post stuff to make people laugh 'cause the world is so ugly and sad these days. We need some sunshine ๐
Love you all ๐
#it's-a-moi#adulting like the boring person I am#yeah sure I don't need to explain myself#but I think I owed that for the silence I've been giving since the start of the year
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Broke: Damian is bad at being a Robin because he's too violent
Woke: Damian is bad at being a Robin because he's afraid to hurt people
#obviously it's always funny to do the whole 'what do u have there Damian?' 'a knife!' 'nO' thing#and like make him a horrendous and silly evil gremlin who can and will pull a sword out in the middle of a parking lot to fight#but listen#he doesn't like the assassin background that much and once he learns about like The Normal World he's honestly in anguish about it#that's canon! that's the truth! (right?) (the whole thing with Goliath?? I'm not making it up right???)#i think he's just the kind of guy who loves his swords because they're what he knows and they're a strong connection to his family#but I think it's nice if he spends his time on field telling others what to do because everyone else learned to fight the OTHER way#(by defending and subduing opponents rather than maiming and killing)#so he prefers to take on a tactician general role despite being perfectly capable as a fighter because he knows what everyone else needs#to do to succeed in fights - especially when things are a bit of a mess - but is afraid to be too rough or scary or violent or Demon Son-is#(the things that make him feel like he doesn't belong in a happy civilian world - WHICH IS WHAT HE WANTS IN MY HUMBLE OPINION.)#in this essay I will explain why this allows for him to show awe and love for each of his siblings' fight styles by utilising all of them#and I just think Dami Babs and Tim could really work together as a detective/tactician comms team (with varying distances from the field)#because I think that'd be so fun: Tim is solving (mid-range) Babs is watching/providing supports (far) and Damian is commanding (close)#because the others are like The Bruisers (in their non-lethal way) who trust themselves to only hurt as much as is needed and are good at i#PLUS babs is SO stretched thin and literally the backbone of the bats so I just want a future where some of the kids become HER robins yk#anyway back to the point of the post:#it's kind of alluded to in 2017 supersons; EVERYONE in it comments on how Robin is JUST doing flips and shouting orders#and jon is like The Muscle and the one Doing Stuff - but Jon IS following orders 85% of the time and it works out well for them because#that dynamic of 'I'm not sure I can do it right by myself and I trust you to be my partner so we can do it right together' really#is my favourite like.. they're both filling these ideas of who they're meant to be and they just :( they just seek their own path together#oh no I lost the point again immediately and it became another WHY DO THEY SEPARATE THEM rant#I just think it's really fun to think of Damian as 'the most well trained fighter but ALSO the most likely to step back from a fight'#like yeah when we add in my thoughts on pit rage it adds some angst but that doesn't matter here in THIS post#have I even talked about my hc on pit rage/madness? I don't think I have LMAO (maybe another day)#anyway it's late I'm tired why do I always chat in the tags so much#my posts are literally all in the tags 2% post 98% tags smh#damian wayne#damian al ghul#damian al ghul wayne
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i think it should be possible to scream without making any noise or disturbing anyone or inviting any questions . just sometimes . as a treat .
#hhhhHHHGHGHHHHHH#jay screams into the void#(deeply personal rant incoming feel free to ignore)#a friend of mine has just been undiagnosed with bpd which . lovely for them but it sure as fuck invites a Lot of questions#suddenly a great deal of previous shitty behaviour that was excused on the basis of bpd has a lot more to answer for#(obligatory I Know BPD Isn't An Excuse To Treat People Like Shit . im aware . i have bpd myself and i have v high standards re my behaviour)#(however allowances were made bc they were unmedicated & out of therapy through no fault of their own)#(and our whole group has enough experience with untreated mental illness to understand that it can make u a bitch sometimes)#but yeah no there have been a LOT of instances of b&w thinking + manipulation + unfair judgement + high emotion + snap reactions#and every situation Could be explained by untreated bpd and the bad times have never been prolonged or often enough to outweigh the good#but Hoo Boy if that wasn't bpd then what the FUCK was it#like either the new psychiatrist is wrong (possible but i seem to be the only one questioning it) or they're just Like That#and again . not enough to outweigh their numerous positive and loveable traits#but the whole group has been destabilised on a number of occasions due to their actions during a bad spell#and i'm really not sure Any Other Explanation is enough to justify that#ah well . this seems like the kind of thing that will eventually come up during a sleepover heart to heart#but rn i'm stuck in a bubble of MAJOR rsd & brainfuck abt it . which is unfortunate bc now is exactly the time i Don't need brainfuck#anyways โจ goodnight tumblrinas i am . kind of hoping nobody read this bc i fear i sound like a bitch#i am genuinely happy for their undiagnosis it seems to have put many things into perspective for them & theyre v happy about it#i'm just . uncomfy w some aspects of it that i have only been halfway brave enough to discuss with them personally#That's One To Bring Up With My Therapist In A Few Weeks#Bit Of A Shame I'm No Longer In Therapy And Now Have Only 2 Quarterly Reviews Left Before I'm Discharged From The Service
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something that had always been really frustrating for me when i was still in math classes in school was trying to watch the teacher actually work the problem out on the board and still not understanding wtf was happening. for some context, i heavily suspect that i have some form of dyscalculia because math and numbers literally do not compute properly in my brain. it'd be too long to explain the full extent of my possible dyscalculia here but math literally does the mental equivalent of maxing out the CPU power and memory of a computer to the point where it freezes and lags to my brain.
math class was always stressful for me because no matter what i did and how much progress i made, there was always a lack of understanding i had when it came to trying to work any math problem out long term and remembering anything. it felt like there was always something i was missing, so when the time came for the teacher to explain and go through a math problem step-by-step on the whiteboard, i made sure i paid as much attention to it as humanly possible as child-to-teenager me could muster and even then i still did not understand how the fuck they solved it, all because of one thing: the teacher pulling a random number completely out of their ass that happened to be the key to solving the problem.
like. i don't think i can illustrate how frustrating and isolating this was to experience with words alone. here i was, paying as much attention as i physically could, trying my damned hardest to memorise each individual step and calculation in order to understand how to get from point A to point B. everything made perfect sense up until the teacher suddenly stops for a second and writes a seemingly completely unrelated number there with no context as to why it's there in the first place, and then, in that singular moment, everything immediately comes crumbling down and i'm left completely confused. and somehow, everyone else around me perfectly understands it except me. like. imagine sitting there, giving the teacher all the attention you possibly could, literally watching and studying their hand movements just to understand every single step, only to be even more confused than your classmates, who you're pretty sure were half-asleep during the explanation, who also say they understand how the teacher came to that conclusion. what. the actual fuck.
when i try to explain how infinitely confusing and irritating this was for me, i'm reminded of a quote from that video Patricia Taxxon made about DHMIS: "The rug is pulled again ... There was never any hope of following the thread, understanding is impossible.". even when i was literally trying my best to possibly follow anything that was happening, the rug still gets pulled out from under my feet and i'm sent all the way back to square one of not understanding a single thing and being confused again. all because the teacher didn't explicitly explain how they got that random number that was apparently singlehandedly necessary for solving the equation and where they got it from, apart from that place being from literally fucking nowhere.
it's really no wonder that i eventually stopped giving a shit about paying attention in math class, because even when i was, it was still daunting and incomprehensible as always. why bother trying anymore when trying still gets you nowhere? trying to ask the teacher where they got that number from was an impossible to understand task as well, as their either snapped back with a "well you should have been paying attention" (even though i WAS but whatever) or they do explain that they added the first two numbers from the equation together or something, but now i'm wondering why they didn't just explain that in the first place like they did with everything else instead of seemingly just assuming everyone would know to do that.
by the way, if i had to give an estimate, my math ability is probably still at like. a 5th grader's level at best. so uh. yeah it's not good. still, it is kinda funny to me though, not only because i do find a bit of humour in the situation, but also because some people are often so quick to judge someone's intelligence purely based on their mathematical abilities alone. like. the idea of someone calling me dumb for still needing to do addition with my fingers despite the fact that my reading and language levels are considered above average is really funny to me lmaooo
#dyscalculia#math anxiety#i was NOT having fun in math class when i was still in school loollll#to this day i still don't know all my times tables#i just know the essential ones like my 2s 5s and 10s#the others i only really partially remember but i still can't actually do beyond multiples of 12#like i partially know what they are but i can't actually DO them in my head without needing to sit there for a minute or two#i can't do quick maths. i just can't do that. there are too many numbers to keep track of and count at once to do quickly.#like i can't just conjure up a number like a fucken genie like other people seem to do. i need to like. actually count first#i hate quick maths games so much dude. it's so stressful. i physically cannot keep up with it and it's really frustrating and unfun#it's the same when people tell me to do an equation really quickly. like first of all fuck you#and second of all my brain WILL short circuit#anyway yeah this is a vent#making this not rebloggable for that reason..... sorry fellas#i'm still hoping other people with dyscalculia may find this relatable or cathartic#god how that particia taxxon quote strikes my very soul so so much.....#the entire video is really good but that quote specifically. holy shit#understanding is impossible. that is how i feel. that perfectly explains how i feel about math. understanding is impossible. wow.#i feel like data repeating ''i am not less perfect than lore'' to himself about that quote. understanding is impossible.#that is how i have felt about math for such a long fucking time oh my god#understanding anything to do with math and numbers feels impossibly incomprehensible for me.#basic concepts make sense. i understand how the four basic operations work. i just can't understand much else from that.#too many numbers overflow my brain#it takes literal actual power to be able to do one sheet of equations for me#i might not even finish it just because it's so difficult and uninteresting for me#i'm rambling again auahgh. the basic point of this post is that i don't understand math and math teachers don't understand how to make-#-any basic fucking sense. apparently. anyway yeah official steakout dyscalculia coming out post (i probably have it)#(i'm not diagnosed yet but i'm 80% sure i have it)#(the other 20% is me gaslighting myself) (augh)
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masha broke a bowl by accident in the kitchen and when i brought her the broom and dustpan and asked her if she was okay, she looked at me, straight-faced, and said, "no, i'm not okay." and then i realized she meant that she still feels emotionally abused by the house somehow, and i felt a flash of anger because i am so sick of her shit, and i rephrased, "are you physically injured?" and she gave me another look and said "i'm physically okay." and then when connie asked from her room "what's going on?" masha replied "nothing new." like fuck off ohhhhhhhh my god
#p#i'm actually sick of making room for people like this#it's not me being kind or understanding. it's me being a doormat and driving myself crazy for not making everyone happy 24/7#would masha feel better if i continually approached her and invited her to things and forgave her every time she acted like this?#yeah she would. and i can imagine the emotional place she's in right now is a terrible one and i empathize#which is why i feel guilty for being too tired to do the above. but also? but ALSO???#in her head she will always be the victim. everything we do she will always interpret in bad faith; choose the most unkind interpretation#it's gabe all over again. they live in an alternate reality from me and from the rest of the house and it is impossible to reconcile the tw#and i get this feeling of anger and a part of me thinks of it as me 'letting myself be a bitch' but it's not actually that#it's literally self-respect. it's me being so burnt out that i don't have the energy to pretend this is somehow my problem#the whole meme of 'aren't you tired of being nice. don't you wanna go apeshit' that's about being inauthentic not abt being nice#sure authentic/inauthentic is a loaded therapy term now but it's just accurate. i should be able to NOT do things if i'm not moved to#i don't feel like talking to her. i don't feel like inviting her to things. i don't feel like giving an apology for an imaginary wrong#she can hate me for the rest of time. she can be miserable for the rest of the year while she stays here. i don't fucking care#she is making herself miserable. it is absolutely 100% on her. in any way that matters it is up to her to fix her own shit#i am so sick of this idea that somehow through the healing power of kindness and friendship everyone can be lifted up#because actually some people refuse to be helped. and it is so hard for me to reconcile this with my worldview#but it's been proven to me over and over again that this is the truth.#i guess it doesn't necessarily apply to material realities but i think it does for emotional ones#but even that division between the material and the social/emotional feels false to me. they're always related#maybe the actual lesson is that you as an individual and sometimes even as a community#have limited resources. and while the world's ills could theoretically be solved with infinite generosity and kindness#you cannot singlehandedly make that happen.#and also if the other party isn't receptive there's only so much you can do.#god i've written like a fucking essay trying to justify to myself why i'm angry at masha bc i want to be validated for it#even though i know by now that i actually don't need to explain myself to anyone -- even to myself
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one thing I will say that I kind of miss about the previous seasons is how the episodes used to feel a bit more self-contained, like their own little movies, which I'm kind of missing a bit in s4. lucy prebble at one point in the succession podcast described it as them having a sitcom-like feel to them, because each episode is built around one specific event; and while that's definitely still there in season 4, the way each episode does truly pick up almost exactly where the previous one left off time-wise, and the way that Logan's death and the children's grief is the red-thread that closely connects the episodes, kind of makes it feel like one long movie rather then 10 separate episodes. which is interesting and makes sense considering the focus of the season is supposed to be the children dealing with logan's death and consequent absence, and it's puts a slight spin on the formula they've used for 3 seasons and I think they've done that really well - so it isn't even a critique on my part, but I personally still really loved and kinda miss the way the episodes each felt more like their own thing, previously, ig
#i think this is one of the reasons the show is sooo rewatchable to me. there's some kind of event for anything#and the way the events happened felt a bit more natural with them being days weeks or even months apart previously#while now it does feel like a not-insignificant amount of time is dedicated to explaining why there are so many Events this season#like sure they've explained why we have norway after the wake and then investor day and the election soon so election party and the#funeral and etc and it all makes sense but i also don't really like the fact that there needs to be explanations for all that#its a bit of a pet peeve ig. like i just dont really want to have shiv explain to matsson#why they're still doing investor day i feel like they could've cut that#minor gripe. but yeah#succession#this also sounds like i'm saying there isnt a red-thread that connects the previous seasons . which is not what im saying obviously#but yeah. im probably over-explaining myself. the episodes used to feel more self-contained which i liked. they feel more connected#now which i also like but i miss how they used to feel as well
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I think whatever I end up doing the lesson is at its core "you need to stop seeing all attempts at saying you experience something as you taking up too much space and being dangerous, and you also need to understand everyone always makes mistakes sometimes (nothing anyone thinks is fully right) and you're not lesser and amateur at channelling because you aren't fully right, and also some third thing he says there is but idk what it is"
#Bc I don't want to be an authority anyway I just want to have fun embodying my role as a channeller of his like....#And IDK I think at some point I need to understand that cycles of abuse happen when people think they're owed something and that others#deserve to go through what they went through. But I.... Am so against continuing the cult cycle that I sit here making light of#my life's work and not respecting is at all on the off chance it might negatively impact anyone in any way bc negative impact on my mind is#just immediately equalled to Cult Activity in my head. But like. Bruh. I don't even like interacting w people that much and I have the#Schizotypal Thing of not having an impulse to make new friends let alone a fuckin cult#Anyway. I need to stop catastrophising ''it would be nice to make this whole channelling Leviathan into an official thing#and test the limits of channelling and divination and whatnot'' into ''oh my god that's making myself an authority like he said not to do#and also that's just borderline making a cult that's continuing cycles of abuse'' bruh. Me occasionally doing a reading about his opinions#on something for someone else while making sure that someone understands my disclaimers that it's being translated through me/etc#Or something like that. Is not..... Declaring myself an authority on anything nor roping them in to rely on me ESPECIALLY when I always#explain how you SHOULDN'T rely on me as fact bc it's never fact like that's....#Anyway. I should've expected this now that I think about it bc he often works with spiritual consultants for human groups and shit like#And he is endlessly humbling lbfr he always tells people who are worth working with when they're being dumb/etc and I want to be#Worth working with. Anyway. God hello I Need More by Misanthrop. ''I need more I need nothing I need more I need nothing'' yeah exactly#That's already a leviathan song this context is absolutely a mood. There is a MIDDLE GROUND.#Anyway again this is years away but#I'm way too socially anxious to do anything close to the thing like this blog just Existing is already testing all my social buttons but hey#ramblings //#Diary //
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i realized that ever since i stopped calling myself ugly every chance i got and started pretending i'm hot my own opinion of me got so much better
#i don't fully love myself yet and i still get extremely insecure but i dont feel as miserable yet#sure there r times where i think i am the ugliest person on earth but it's so rare that it happens not as before#it still hard for me to recognize the person on the mirror but i don't immediately think that person is ugly#in fact i do think i'm very pretty. handsome i'd dare to say#attractive mayhaps#there r many things i would change in me but. life is a bit easier like this#i still pretend i'm the prettiest person alive otherwise i'd kill myself#and i also need ppl to think i'm pretty too. it's a lil hard to believe ppl think i'm attractive but#a lil less than before and i'm glad#yeah yeah i live through what other think of me and i need ppl to like me but. not as much u know#it's hard to explain. i need ppl i like to like me but if someone i don't like doesn't like me i dont rlly give three fucks#jo.txt
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a coworker recently complimented me by saying Iโm calm under pressure, which
a) thanks, but also b) lol. lmao, even
#no this isn't an ADHD thing#this is a 'you have no idea what the inside of my head is like' thing#it's a 'thanks that's the anxiety and maybe trauma' thing#my boss has described me--more than once--as 'zen'#which is.......#I probably don't need to explain why that's funny#yeah I'm so zen I have constant headaches and neck pain and also digestive problems#I barely know how to relax#I can't sleep#I'm on 5 different brain meds#I haven't seen a therapist in months because I have some serious frustrations with mine BUT I keep second-guessing myself about them#AND finding a new one is overwhelming#hell I don't really do much of anything because it's all overwhelming#I try to be polite and diplomatic because I'm actually still a little kid who's terrified of being yelled at#only this time with worse consequences#reading the news fills me with helpless rage#I actually think my mental health is getting worse and not better#but yeah sure I'm zen
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like I'm not even sure what it is but across so many work industries it's always the grunt level worker who is to blame apparently. any excuse in the book to counter what you say or did. you feel like you're going nuts, I'm reasonably reflective and can see where something went wrong or where I can do better. does this make any sense?
#the main thing i keep getting pulled up on is my lateness or lack of communication with management#also that i tend to step over perceived boundaries according to managerial points of view/standards#idk it's hard to explain when you're hearing like#oh you're great but keep doing these things and we know you do it on purpose#also you don't know the secret old people cleaning code that only old people know#well why wasn't i told? why is it when i ask they say yes but there's actually something else they need#everyone is different i am giving you the option to express that need and if you say no how is this my fault for respecting that?#what is common sense?#which seems to be more in line with the like. can't please everyone thing TBH#maybe just want to take me down a peg and assert managerial dominance on the lowly barely above minimum wage (like fuckin $24 ph lol) staff#i don't intend to stay long or try ladder climb#also when i said that they said well you only work like part time why should you get more#i said then it'd be even more negative as I'd be getting underpaid doubly so for extra work#i try to say i hurt myself with all the cleaning but yeah nah other staff don't have this issue it must be you#i don't believe that#hell it even pissed me off when i said i wanted to do psychology/mental health#and maybe I'm wrong to say this but that mental game of saying ah well are you sure you could do that?#not to be twitter but it reminds me of abusive relationship power dynamics
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tumblr keeps pushing me to the loveless aros, and while good for them for having a solid concept of their identities; I do not vibe with that! I do not subscribe to that! I fucking love romance! I fucking love the word love ! I am okay with the idea of people saying that they do love me, because I personally have never been told that often in my life! its nice to be reminded that i am loved despite it all!! And I'm STILL ARO!!! just not on that end of the spectrum! not in the way these people from the west side of the globe identify.
tldr; im very annoyed with tumblrs algorithm! im very tired of it showing me a side of a community that really REALLY isn't for me. at all.
#or something like that I don't really want to put labels on myself too much its annoying .#it get brain on floor muddy dirty damp foggy.#do you get me.#i dont get... the correlation between hating on the word love and being aro. being aro to me is just a lack of want or need to be in#a romantic relationship. i mean sure yeah id like to have a partner. or a group. but i dont necessarily want??? a relationship??? yeagh.#again. things change with time and currently this is the label thatfits with what ive identified withinthe self#hard to explain. west people are. overcomplicating. not want to understand....#kas speaks
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sometimes i think of scenarios in my head with my ocs and then sometimes for happy brain i kinda crossover them with my favorite medias atm and also insert myself in bcs i like being self-indulgent and yeah my brain is so fucked up that i just keep repeating the same first bits and can't get far in thinking and i end up just having my s/i ramble my thoughts and it's hard to explain but yeah but anyways it's interesting thinking about who or what my ocs would like in video games or colors or whatever because all my ocs seem to reflect a certain part of me and i can get into the psychology of that but also its hard to explain my thoughts but also anyways yeah i find it interesting thinking about who my ocs would kin
#โฏ ๊ฐแ starry thoughts เป๊ฑ *ยทห#feel free to just ignore me oopsies i am just rambling but yeah i love my ocs so much#sorry besties you are all subject once more to my brainrots and rambles and random thoughts now that i am on tumblr rn#my brain is very interesting to me and the way i think but also i can't properly think in such a way and i find it really hard to explain#and i'm such a mess but also man i don't know and i'm going off-track and god i love vgm so much and i don't want to do homework#but anyways back to the goddamn point !!! so my oc merle. i have little crossover thoughts in my head right and i realize#he's similar with akira and then it makes sense as to why i like characters like akira and it's a little woa fr bcs#the way i imagine merle is really similar to akira actually but with a more purple color scheme (but still dark) and he doesn't wear#glasses (at least. wait. actually. i don't really know anymore) GOD my mind never stops but yeah uhm yeah#i think humans are so unbelievably interesting and it's all just so fascinating and and and#also i've awakened to the fact i really like sharks i think they're very cute! i still prefer dolphins though#people who hurt animals make me really angry and sad... i think about it and already want to cry#i have never had a pet but my grandparents had lots and it's funny how memory works. i forgot they once had a pet turtle#until something in a school group project involved my group involving a pet turtle in our storyline for something#and then i remember that past. my past. once again. and clearly even! and... yeah#but yeah... i know i will never abandon my pet if ever i do get a pet. or pets. i would never do that and i really know this is a fact with#all my heart but what's stopping me from getting a pet is that i need to take better care of myself first and learn how to take care of#pets! i think where i live there's actually an opportunity for me to do so. i'll try to see more about that. and hmm... this is a really#busy year for school. and then the next. and then tbh everything onwards from 2023 so... i don't want to put time to something#i'm not even sure if i can really make time for. but. i think i really do want a pet! a dog esp. but also a cat. but a dog esp#bcs i've always wanted one !! i know when it comes to something i really want i am very dedicated and passionate#like how i already calculated xiv expenses months before actually got the game? and planned how me and lune would do things too#and then because i want to handle money better and take note of all that i yeah and yeah and yeah im tired of typing now BYE#will now disappear again after rambling quite a lot ^__^ maybe? maybe not? who knows!#my thoughts are so. whack. wack? idk. but uhm yeah it went from ocs to sharks to pets to money and idk huh#man w some things i'm really shy about being perceived or asked about. like my ocs. egbhebgjhbjehs ;;;;;#and people being nice to me T__T sorry i rlly appreciate it but i can't really comprehend it and my coping mechanism is avoidance
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Y'know. There were several ups and downs when I was working for the mouse, and the downs were always really, really bad. But like also I'm glad for them because four years ago I absolutely would not have said SHIT about being given a shift that conflicts with my availability and just worked it hoping it never happened again. Now I will talk to all four fucking managers who work throughout the entire day I've been here until one of them listens instead of pushing back and getting pissy about me saying it's not my fault and sure, I'll try to find coverage to be nice, but not my fucking problem if I can't find it, can't work the shift, they can't mark me as a no show and they can die mad about it because they should've thought about it before giving me a shift I can't work ๐คท
#vent#obvs i said all that in more professional language#but like i was fucking firm about it that yeah i'll humor them and ask around but that's also not my job bc it wasn't my mistake#so if they end up understaffed sucks to suck. only so much i can do if everyone i talked to was booked and busy#not my fault some idiot who makes more than me to do one single task on a 9-2 schedule weekdays only didn't have her shit together#anyways i am Proud of myself bc i no longer take shit#sucks that it took those lows to get to this point but y'know what? i'm grateful#wish i could've learned these lessons a different way#obvs. but i am glad that i did learn them#anyways today sucked but i got almost 7.5 paid hours instead of the 6.5 i was originally supposed to get so โ๏ธ#somewhat makes up for me needing to call out last sunday lmao#also i put up with soooo much shit i am a Team Player if i refuse to back down and choose a hill to die on it means smth to me#extend me to a 10 and a half hour shift and only take a 30 meal break instead of the hour i'm entitled to?#yeah okay sure more money and the break schedule is already fucked so i don't wanna screw over everybody else#gotta clock in half an hour early and stay twenty minutes late? no problem i'm here may as well. plus money#need me to train someone when i only restarted here 2 months ago 4 years after the last time i worked here? sure. why not.#blind leading the goddamn blind and all that but like i also know what situations ppl have gotten most pissed at me in#so lemme teach you how to do some of the shit nobody explains the way they need to#so if i call out it's bc my legs well and truly WILL give the fuck out if i try to stand on them for longer than 5 mins#and if i say i shouldn't be the one to fix their mistake but i'll try a lil. i am a nice person i am a team player i can and will take shit#from them but also i am not a goddamn pushover#i know my limits and i know my worth
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โ ๐ด๐ค๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ฆ ๐ช๐ท. (๐ซ๐ถ๐ด๐ต ๐ค๐ฐ๐ญ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ข๐จ๐ถ๐ฆ๐ด) ๐
โคท summary: spain and canada. lando's rizz is negative, mission is failed. plus, mclaren pr is about to fuck shit up ๐ฃ๏ธ
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liked by ynusername, zbrownceo, and 42,908 others
mclaren spain you were forgettable at best ๐ on to the next one
18,980 others
user1 y/n don't insult your team on the team account challenge
mclaren is it really an insult if it's true
user2 we got a lando photo but at what cost
user3 lando fans can never win here
mclaren why you would ever choose to be a lando fan to begin with is beyond me
user2 you're so right queen i'm sorry
landonorris DON'T APOLOGIZE WTF
user2 fuck both of y'all honestly
user4 at least mclaren fans can always count on content, even if we can't expect results ๐ญ
user5 lando and y/n in their friendship era, how the fuck did we get here
landonorris you're posting me now? oh you want me so bad ๐ฅด
mclaren sending this to hr immediately
ynusername YOU'RE FIREEEDDDDDDD
user6 damn she logged into both accounts just to make sure he heard her ass ๐ double homicide
user7 oscar fans i can't even tell if we won or lost
user8 we didn't get a face pic but... we didn't get whatever the fuck the 3rd slide is
landonorris guys pLEASE
landonorris i won't post it she says... it's just for me she says
user9 LMAOOOO AND YOU BELIEVED HER???? ๏ฟฝ๏ฟฝ๏ฟฝ ๐ซต
landonorris going dark, no one call me
user9 was anyone going to anyways ๐
user10 LET HIM GET UPPPP
oscarpiastri i'll pay you 20 dollars if you don't ever do this to me
mclaren ๐ค
mclaren i mean you were never the target but now you will be if i don't get my money!!!!
oscarpiastri oh ok
lilyzneimer i have pictures you can you use if you need bb <3
oscarpiastri WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON
zbrownceo Very funny Y/n! Keep up the good work ๐
mclaren Thanks boss! (:
landonorris ZAK WHY
user11 zak is so supportive now, wait until he sees her comments ๐
zbrownceo I have seen her comments! Very funny! ๐
user11 blink twice zak, we can help you
maxverstappen1 This is the highlight of my week, thank you Y/n!
mclaren hey max verstappen of redbull racing! not sure if you heard but you did win the grand prix this weekend
maxverstappen1 No i know, this is just definitely better.
ynusername where's my photo credits ๐ซต
mclaren my bad bbg ๐
user12 nurse she got out again
oscarpiastri we'll win next time!!
mclaren who told you that ๐คจ
oscarpiastri the voices in my head
logansargeant you hold on bro, we'll find your meds soon
user13 i think moto moto likes you ahh image
user14 i need to shrink him and put him in my pocket and keep him there
user15 which one?
user14 lando
landonorris nuh uh, pick again
maxfewtrell you can't post pictures without consent mate
mclaren i didn't??
landonorris i didn't consent.
mclaren who are you gonna believe max? me? or the solid concrete evidence in front of you
user16 he looks like he can do some crazy tricks on a trampoline
landonorris this is the only comment about myself that hasnt made me viscerally angry
oscarpiastri unfortunately i feel the opposite
user17 lany/n at it again
user18 literally what the fuck do you mean
user17 if you dont get it, i can't explain it to you
user18 okay cryptic ass, fuck you ๐
user19 they're in love guys, just wait and see
user20 yall just love saying stupid shit on this page huh
user19 i hate getting accused of some shit i actually do ๐ก like yeah i do love that but who told you
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user20 op be so fr right now
user21 everytime one of these illiterate f1 drivers pulls one of the hottest women on earth a fairty dies
user21 *fairy
user22 fairty
user21 you shut the fuck up ๐ซต
user23 people when coworkers are seen together at their place of work
user24 do you hug your coworkers and follow them like a lost puppy when you could be on a break
user23 wtf no
user24 EXACTLY MF, THIS IS NOT COWORKERS BEING COWORKERS
user25 history will say they were just colleagues ๐
opeightywon this shit is a national tragedy
user26 every time i see a post like this i think about the fact that she has probably seen this and i shiver
user27 honestly praying on their downfall
opeightywon wtf
user28 lando fans be normal challenge
user27 idgaf about that white man, she's just too hot for him ๐
opeightywon oh yeah real
user29 i need another youtube video where they stare at each other longingly again asap or i fear i may start having withdrawal symptoms
user30 another hot girl lost to an average white man's swagless looks and cringe fail personality i feel sick
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liked by landonorris, lilyzneimer, and 44,786 others
mclaren not our best results in canada but we improved i guess ๐ but on a much better, more exciting note: NEW MCLAREN YOUTUBE CHALLENGE OUT GO GO GO GO
17,998 comments
user31 my crops are watered, my skin is clear, my funds are tripled
mclaren all me ๐ฎโ๐จ
user32 "yay challenge video" we all cry in unison
user33 OSCAR FANS IS IT REAL??? HAS IT COME TRUE??? IS THAT A FACE PIC I SEE
user34 and it's good quality too ๐คฉ what did we do to deserve this
mclaren you don't, but oscar bought me coffee all weekend
oscarpiastri yes i bribed her, i feel no shame
user35 lando's back in the dog house bro, he's back to no face pics
user36 but look at his beautiful brown eyes
mclaren babe they're greenish blue with the TINIEST bit of brown ๐
user37 how long you gotta stare at a man's eyes to know the exact paint blend ๐ซต
user38 DOWN HORRENDOUSSSSSS
lilyzneimer insert comical heart eyes here
mclaren flirting with your man ๐คข on MY cellular device
lilyzneimer my bad bb, he doesn't mean anything to me anyways ๐ฅด
oscarpiastri ok what the fuck
danielricciardo DROP THE CAMERA SETTINGS AND MY LIFE IS YOURS
mclaren check dms ๐คฒ
danielricciardo thanks love you're the best
landonorris LOVE??? LMAOOOO
user39 bro is losing the dgaf war MISERABLY
user40 the way lando is staring at her the whole time she's behind the camera ๐ซ oh he's not even down bad, bro's down under
landonorris can i get the camera settings
mclaren has anyone ever told you how good you are at photography?? i'm not saying that, i'm just asking ๐
landonorris oKAY fuck you.
user41 the way she doesn't even pretend to care about the results
landonorris i know ๐
mclaren i know p13 is nawttt talking back to me right now
user41 OHHH SHE ATE YOU UP HUH
landonorris y'all are some fake ass fans fr
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8:57 PM.
Y/n stared at the flashing numbers on the digital clock in the boardroom and huffed quietly. The table in front of her was covered in a mix of shredded mozzarella cheese and vibrant, red pizza sauce. Flour with evidence of handprints and bits of pizza dough decorated the wood and the woman internally sighed at the thought of clean up. Eventually she would have to get back to work.
Lando was on his phone across the table from her, and she fought the urge to stare at him. Oscar had left a while ago, having an earlier flight than them out of Canada. Lando and her had made the executive decision to stay and finish the pizza the two men had made during the "not my hands" YouTube challenge. It was messy, and didn't fully resemble a proper pizza, but it tasted good enough if not a little bit burnt. The two had been sitting in a comfortable silence for the time being while they ate.
In the time Y/n had gotten to know the British man, both on and off the track, she found herself warming up to him considerably. He was kinder than she gave him credit for at the beginning of the season, and far funnier. She could see now that more often than not he spoke without thinking or having any consideration, and maybe he was more than a little bit arrogant, but he also felt things deeply and cared passionately.
Before she could think about what she was doing, Lando's eyes met hers and he smirked. Y/n's face burned but she rolled her eyes at him and took another bite of their burnt pizza. Her ears caught the sound of him placing his phone on the table, and when she looked up again he was leaning his body across the table and toward her instead.
"What are you staring at? Hm?" He teased and she scoffed.
"You," she started and took another bite of her pizza, "have pizza sauce all over your face, you idiot. And I'm just thinking, not sure if you're familiar with the concept." He grabbed a napkin quickly and began wiping rapidly at his chin and mouth, and even his nose. She couldn't help but laugh loudly. There was nothing on his face. He was perfect actually. Unfortunately.
"Did I get it? Why didn't you tell me sooner, traitor!" She doubled over but nodded anyways.
"What are you thinking about?" he questioned as he settled back down.
"Just the season, you and Oscar," she muttered.
"Me? Thinking of little ol' me when I'm right here in front of you," she rolled her eyes with a groan.
"You have selective hearing Lando," he laughed and nodded.
"Well what have you thought about it? The season I mean. And myself of course, don't care much what you think about Osc," he leaned on his hand and stared at her intently. Y/n couldn't help that being stared at by Lando felt a little bit like being ocean, being pulled and pushed by the moon's gravity. Her brain didn't work properly around him.
Or maybe I'm just really dramatic and he's just hot, she thought miserably, Probably the latter.
"I just think maybe you and me got off on the wrong foot," she said as she fumbled with the lid of her water bottle, "and I think that maybe I enjoy this job a lot more than I thought I would." The comments seemed to sober Lando's mood up slightly.
Maybe I shouldn't have been truthful. Maybe it shouldn't have been that serious.
"What did you think of me?" He asked quietly. "When you met me I mean."
"Do you want me to be honest?" He looked at her quizzically.
"Of course I want you to be honest Y/n, or I wouldn't have asked."
"I thought you were kind of an asshole," she whispered and he laughed.
"So the beef was real for you," he smiled slightly and she let her face fall gently into her hands.
"Yeah," she breathed out a laugh, "yeah maybe a little."
"Doesn't seem like a little," he goaded and she shot him a glare.
"Okay Lord Lando, maybe more than a little," he pointed at her triumphantly.
"AHA! So it was the instagram comment. I thought you knew I was kidding," A loud groan filled the room as she smacked her head on the table. Lando's giggling could probably be heard down the hall but Y/n found she didn't care all that much anymore.
"It wasn't just the instagram comment," she defended weakly. There was a brief silence as Lando stared into space and shook his head.
"Wow... I can't believe you were actually mad at me and I just didn't know."
"It wasn't that big of a deal I guess, I just felt like you didn't really take me seriously."
"Well I mean you're not a very serious person," Y/n's heart fell to her stomach.
"What?" She asked, staring at him. She couldn't have heard him right.
"Well it's just that you're not very serious are you? Like since I met you, it's never felt like you were a serious sort of person." He added as if that was some sort of defense.
As if that isn't more hurtful.
"You're not like Zak or Andrea, or really anyone else here you know? You're just you, you're different. It was hard to be serious with you here because that's just who you are." He continued.
God just shut up, please for the love of God just shut up.
"This is my place of work Lando," she muttered bitterly. "I mean do you hear yourself." His eyes widened and he put his hands out placatingly. Like she was some sort of rabid animal he needed to calm down.
"No no no," he muttered quickly and stood up to round the table, "that's not what I meant Y/n, you know that."
"Stop Lando, just stop," she said as she began to clear off the table.
Why did she expect him to be different. What made her think he could've changed.
"You made it perfectly clear what you mean. What you think of me and of my work, my career" she spit out, swiping everything on the table into the trash. They hadn't finished eating the pizza and now it was in the bin, but Lando didn't deserve to eat the pizza she helped him make. He didn't deserve to be here at all. He wasn't her friend, he was her coworker and nothing else. It was better she accept that now.
"You misunderstood what I said," he grabbed her arm to stop her from cleaning and she whipped it out of his grasp.
"Stop Lando," she said raising her voice. She knew her eyes were teary but she didn't care. She knew her face was red with embarrassment and her hands were shaking with the force of her humiliation but she didn't care. Lando Norris could go fuck himself.
He looked at her in shock and winced as he saw her face. She steeled herself. She had never cried over a man before, why would she do it now.
"You need to leave, you have a flight in the morning," she said emotionlessly. "And I have to clean so I can go home." He tried to speak and she put her hand up, stepping away from him.
"Get out please, you're in my way," she said and his brows scrunched. He was angry? Good, so was she.
"I'm in your way?" He asked incredulously, as if she didn't have any reason to be upset. "You're not even going to hear me out?" He scoffed.
"No Lando, I don't have time for this. I have a job to do and you're in my way," she said emphasizing the words as if speaking to a child. His face fell. He looked angry.
"Whatever Y/n. What fucking ever," he muttered, grabbing his bag and storming out. Y/n waited. Footsteps in the hallways continued until a far off door slammed.
Y/n wilted like an unwatered plant as tears began to fall.
So much for friends.
She knew deep down she was hurt about much more than just friendship.
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this is the second to last chapter of part one! i hope you enjoy! please feel free to comment and send requests, i'm excited to hear your thoughts <3
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๐ฉ๐๐ ๐ก๐๐จ๐ฉ
@lemon-lav @slutforpopculture @m4rt10ne @urfavsgf @sadsierra2 @96jnie @sltwins @poppyflower-22 @alliumiae @livelovesports @liberty-barnes @the-holy-trinity-l @iliwyss @awritingtree @redpool @elliotts1one @velentine @chaoticmessneutralplease @5sospenguinqueen @charizznorizz @2pagenumb @mxdi0 @cwiphswmwasohmm @tremendousstarlighttragedy @lnspipedrm @itseightbeats @tinycoffeeroom @woozarts @personwhoisther @a-beaverhausen @love-simon @annabellelee @ravisinghs-wife @chezmardybum @greantii @weekendlusting @monserelates @sapphiccloud @halleest @deamus-liv @gigigreens @morenofilm @laneyspaulding19 @lanireadss @dear-fifi @moldyshorts1997 @oliviarodrigostan13 @eugene-emt-roe @ilivbullyingjeongin @im-a-ghost666
#f1 x female reader#f1 x reader#f1 x y/n#formula 1#f1#f1 smut#f1 x you#formula one#f1 imagine#f1 smau#lando norris smau#lando norris x you#lando norris x y/n#lando norris fanfic#lando norris x reader#lando norris imagine#lando norris#racew1nn3rs: fake it till you make it#racew1nn3rs
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# HYPNOTIC ''
๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ getting a whiff off your perfume.
OT7 enhypen x female reader ึถึธึข WC: ~ 100 / character GENRE / WARNING(S) :: fluff + slightly suggestive + skinship + est relationship + possibly a bit ooc + not proofread!
( reblogs + feedback always appreciated !! )
๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
immediately spots the new scent on you. You and him were cuddling on the couch while watching a movie, and he inched himself closer to you slowly. "Baby, did you spray a new perfume today?" He asks, in which you reply, "Yeah, do you like it?" Heeseung didn't answer right away, instead, his nose found your neck and breathed in your scent. The tip of his nose brushed against your nape a couple of times, and his warm breath tickled the sensitive skin of your neck ever so slightly. "So?" You whispered with a hint of uncertainty. "It's lovely." He replies at last, his face now buried in your shoulder.
๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๏ฟฝ๏ฟฝ๐๐
is a perfume enthusiast for sure. Asks what perfume it is, and throws in his own guess. Most of the times, he guesses correct, but only if the perfume you're wearing is trending. You also ask him what he thinks often. "Jjongie, smell this, please." You request with puppy eyes, and why would he reject you? You lift your wrist up to his level and he sniffs it a couple of times before nodding his head. "Might just be my favourite, princess." He says with a smirk.
๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐
"You smell nice." He just blurts it out, and it takes you a while to fully comprehend what he meant. "Don't I smell nice on other days as well?" You tease with a smile, obviously knowing that he refers to the change of perfume you're wearing. "Of course you do! This smell is just different than before." His hand holds yours, and he lifts it up to his nose to smell your wrist. Jake sniffs it for a while, a bit longer than expected, which causes you to arch an eyebrow. "I really like this one, babe." He comments at last, and kisses your hand before pulling you into a strong hug.
๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
lets the smell familiarise in his nose before asking, "Is that the perfume I bought for you?" You nod, and smell your wrist for confirmation. "I really like the smell." You say, looking up at him. "I do too, it reminded me of you, you know?" Sunghoon says, kissing your forehead. You lean into his touch, and engulf him in a long hug where he swings you from from side to side. The two of you enjoy this moment of intimacy and closeness. The scent adding a sweet and comfortable aroma to the moment. "Maybe I should wear this more often" you laugh, patting his head that found itself by your nape.
๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐
hums in delight when you walk past him, and the scent lingers in the air for a while. You turn around with a questioning look painting your features. "I just mean that you smell wonderful!" He said panickingly in case you got the wrong idea of his reaction. "Really? I can't really smell myself right now." You chuckled, and walked up to him, forgetting what you actually wanted to do prior. "Well, there's no need to worry. Even if you smelled bad, I wouldn't worry." Sunoo said, taking your hand in his. "What, why?" You asked, shocked. "Because I wouldn't have to worry about other people trying to pursue you."
๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐เน
has a sensitive nose, but when he breaths in the faint smell of your new perfume, he perks an eyebrow. "Is that you who smells so nice?" He asks, stepping closer to you. "Yeah, why, is it too strong, babe?" You ask worryingly. "No, no, it's just right." Jungwon wraps his arms around your waist, and pulls you closer to him. "I was scared for a second, thought it was too strong for you, and, so I switched to oil perfumes." You explain followed with a soft giggle. He cracks a sweet smile for you, and presses a soft kiss to your cheek sweetly. "It smells sweet, just like you."
๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐
you had asked for his opinion on it, and risen your wrist to make it easier for him to smell it. Personally, you liked it a lot, so you really hoped he did too. Halfway up, he softly took your hand, and held you by the wrist, letting the perfume waft his way. Riki's eyes shifted from yours to the side of your head, and moved closer to smell it better. "Sorry baby, this doesn't really fit you." He says, and you are shook. "Huh?" You mumble, and he chuckles. "You're so cute. I was just kidding. It smells amazing, babe." He said with a joking tone, and nudged your with his hip.
Reminder to not spam like since it can shadow ban me๐
#yuvany's workเฑจเง#enhypen fluff#enhypen x reader#ni ki x reader#nishimura riki#enhypen nishimura riki#enhypen#enhypen fanfiction#enhypen x you#ni ki x you#enhypen heeseung#heeseung x reader#lee heeseung#enhypen scenarios#enhypen sunoo#enha#enha fluff#enha imagines#enhypen drabbles#enhypen sunghoon#park sunghoon#sunghoon#sunghoon x reader#jay park#enhypen jay#enhypen jake#enhypen jaeyun#jake x reader#jungwon x reader#yang jungwon
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gentle exfoliation
pairing: spencer reid x reader
description: in which you help spencer after he gets shot.
tags: fluff, established relationship, fem!reader, casual nudity (nothing explicit is mentioned), pain meds mentioned, little hurt/comfort, spencer feels undeserving, reader takes care of him.
a/n: little fluff, i just need to take care of that boy hes so :( also dont ask me about showering with crutches, idk how people do all that just dont! think about it too hard. some ace lore, i fractured my wrist and had a cast for 2 months, i wrapped it in a plastic bag and would fold it up after for the next shower. #reusereduceandrecycle am i right? anw! happy reading, lmk what you think!!
wc: 1.1k
you trail behind spencer as he slowly makes his way up the stairs. he hops onto the next step with his good leg, using the crutches to pull the rest of him up, he's methodical and careful with his movements. the doctor said stairs would be fine, as long as he took his time, but it still felt like too much exertion in your opinion. you protested when he denied derek's help but you were met with pleading eyes, i want to do this myself, forcing you to concede. that doesn't stop you from hovering a hand over the small of his back as he climbs the next step.ย
a dull click reverberates through his apartment door as you unlock it, letting spencer in first. he beelines for the bedroom, and you set both your bags down on the couch, following him. heโs perched at the edge of the bed, kicking off his shoes. his shoulders are slumped in exhaustion, dark circles around his eyes as he looks up at you. you rake a hand through his hairโyou realise how long it is as it passes through your fingers. you twirl the ends before letting it fall.
โwanna take a shower?โ you suggest softly.
he nods and you lead him to the adjoined bathroom with his arm over your shoulder. you lean against the door frame, itching to help him.ย
he looks at you, puzzled. โare you going to watch me undress?โ he asks, unbuttoning his shirt.
โyeah, it's a great view,โ you shoot him a cheeky wink, making him blush. deciding to be meaner, you give him a once over, checking him out unabashedly, the hue on his cheeks growing pinker. your teasing falters a little as your eyes pass over his knee and the bandage wrapped around it, his pants now on the floor. he makes note of the flash of concern that passes over your features and gives you grace by asking for your help. to which you rush to the kitchen for some cling film and return to him.
kneeling, you wrap the area in plastic, over the gauze, you don't care, making sure to accumulate enough layers so water doesn't seep through. it's a subpar job, but you spring up proud anyways. โso the wound doesn't get wet,โ you explain, head tilted up.
he gives you a goofy smile, amused, but covered in so incredibly in love with you, pressing a kiss to your forehead. you tip your head back, returning the smile. even slouched and leaning, he's so tall.ย
when he steps into the shower, you step in with him, work clothes still on but at least you've shed your jacket. how is he supposed to shower with one hand, you reason, his other hand holding onto the crutch. he doesn't stop you though, he doesn't stop when you turn on the water, he doesn't stop you when he suddenly feels self-conscious that he's fully naked and you're not, he doesn't stop you when you start to run the water over his skin and slowly lather the soap on his shoulders. rather, he pouts.
โwhat's wrong?โ you immediately ask, alarmed by the look on his face.
โyou're getting your clothes wet,โ his words are morose, like it's the worst thing in the world.ย
โbaby,โ you coo, bringing a soapy hand up to his face, caressing it softly. he leans into your touch. โi don't care that my clothes are wet, i'm taking them off after this anyway. i just want to take care of you. please let me.โ
god, he doesnโt deserve you, and he thinks that as he looks at you, eyes tracing over your features, features that will him to surrender. he doesnโt want to be a burden. he knows youโll take the week off, stay with him, and make sure heโs well cared for. yet you wonโt push himโwonโt smother him. youโll give him space unless he asks for more. like youโre doing now, helping him because he asked for it. and still, he feels like shit. you're too sweet to him. even as you're standing there, drenched, cleary not upset by the ordeal, he still believes he doesnโt deserve this.
you watch as this inner turmoil makes its way through him, his thought process so loud you can hear him. you wipe a tear away from his face that he didnโt realise spilled, he was crying. โdo you want me to leave?โ you ask, extremely patient, giving him the room to say yes if he wants. he shakes his head, no. โokay, i'll stay,โ you press a chaste kiss to his lips and continue washing him.
the tap squeaks as you turn the water off, moving aside so he can walk out. you strip out of your clothes leaving you in your bra and underwear, damp but better than dripping water all over the floors. you hold his crutches as he puts a bathrobe on, its purple with yellow stars on it. you follow him out of the bathroom but go back after retrieving your pyjamas and a towel.ย
โi'll be two seconds,โ you mumble and faintly hear him hum in acknowledgement. you quickly have a shower and change into some clean dry clothes. it's a relief, admittedly. you'd been in the same rotation of outfits, having stayed in the hospital for a few days, with an insufficient supply of clothes in your go bag. but you didn't care much, wanting to stay beside spencer.ย
when you walk out, towel wiping your face, you see him sitting on the bed. fully clothed. you smile at him, feeling brighter. โoh, you changed,โ you observe, you were ready to dress him.ย
โmhm, folded the cling wrap for tomorrow,โ he responds, and it's sweet how he thought to save it. you walk to the living room, rooting around in your bags and return with his pain meds, tylenol to his request, it being fairly mellow. you hand him a cup of water and a pill.ย
โweโll wash your hair tomorrow, okay?โ he nods, looking at you over the rim of his glass. he downs the rest of the water and sets it down on his bedside table.
turning off the lights, you make your way to your side of the bed, slipping under the covers. he does the same, scooting closer to you. he's on his back since he doesnโt know which position feels comfortable yet, so you curl into his side, resting your head on his shoulder. your eyes follow the steady rise and fall of his chest. you hear him inhale, as if preparing to say something, you wait.ย
โthank you,โ he breaks the silence with a quiet whisper, hand wrapped around your back giving you a gentle squeeze.
you reach up and kiss his cheek, โit's nothing, iโd do anything for you.โ
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