#AND finding a new one is overwhelming
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a coworker recently complimented me by saying I’m calm under pressure, which
a) thanks, but also b) lol. lmao, even
#no this isn't an ADHD thing#this is a 'you have no idea what the inside of my head is like' thing#it's a 'thanks that's the anxiety and maybe trauma' thing#my boss has described me--more than once--as 'zen'#which is.......#I probably don't need to explain why that's funny#yeah I'm so zen I have constant headaches and neck pain and also digestive problems#I barely know how to relax#I can't sleep#I'm on 5 different brain meds#I haven't seen a therapist in months because I have some serious frustrations with mine BUT I keep second-guessing myself about them#AND finding a new one is overwhelming#hell I don't really do much of anything because it's all overwhelming#I try to be polite and diplomatic because I'm actually still a little kid who's terrified of being yelled at#only this time with worse consequences#reading the news fills me with helpless rage#I actually think my mental health is getting worse and not better#but yeah sure I'm zen
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Love when people write Toji like they're in dire need of a dick me down but I love it even more when they write him all fluffy and soft. Give him the domestic life he was so ready to settle for. Give him the chance to be an actual father to Megumi and Tsumiki and not leave the fragmented hopes that died with mamaguro. Give him a path away from bloodshed after time and time again of having to wash his hands, his weapons, clothes, of crimson red--whether his, anothers, or both.
Let him find a new love, that while it might not be mamaguro, but helps mend the pieces he lets chip away, too tired to do it himself, he doesn't know how, he thinks he's a lost cause. That there's no point. but you can prove him wrong. It doesn't even need to be love, just someone who helps him see he doesn't have to be alone.
I love a soft Toji, where his inner child gets the care he deserved, and where he gets to truly live his life and not just survive or wake up for the next morning.
#toji fushiguro#jjk#jjk toji#jujustu kaisen#jujutsu toji#jujutsu kaisen toji#i just think he's neat#i went from hating him to loving him and thats genuinely because of fics ive read here on tumblr#they gave me a new perspective on him#like okay#big sexy dom man is a killer in thr sheets#but he's not so one dimensional and he's got feelings that we didn't get to see much of and i find it so absolutely lovely to see when he's#written with his feelings and allowed to feel them or when he's written to be so overwhelmed by them in such a good way and its just#ISNSHSJSJS GSSSVSHSJ#I'd like to hug him but he wouldn't let me#but this is my imagination soooooo
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#beautiful things list in the tags#so i can remember a day that seemed full of them#going to the religious bookstore and finding lots of things (the beautiful advent wreath!)#quick trip to the library and picking up a couple of middle grade books on a whim#(short things that don't add much to the overwhelming tbr but add a bit of joy into the options list)#going to wendy's and getting a lime coke#listening to fascinating religious history things that opened up new ideas and made new connections with what i'd been reading#wedding dress shopping with my sister#in a cute little shop with nice staff#where i felt like my input was helpful#wandering a bit in a city we never go to#in a rainy chilly late night atmosphere that felt very hallmark christmas movie#(in a good cozy way not in the over-the-top christmas decorations way)#thrift shopping and finding a lightweight sweater that fills a need in my wardrobe#(since we've had a warm year that limits me to only a few of my sweaters)#coming home and finding that a book i ordered had arrived#lots of lovely poem recommendations and conversations#some sights on a rainy day that filled me with that fantasy sort of awe and longing#seeing a distant shore through a fog that looked like an ancient castle rising up out of the mist#a hill of plants topped with crimson leaves that looked like a fabric or wallpaper pattern come to life#it was just a day filled with a lot of beauty#and i made a conscious effort to notice it#one of those days you want to keep
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clearing my old desk for my new one makes me realize 1) minimalism is my greatest enemy 2) i love cute stuff 3) i might like al-haitham genshinimpact a little bit
#i love decorating and collecting things i find pretty and like 😭 not too much its overwhelming but also not like. placing only two things#also i removed all my kvthm merch and im already missing my lil haithams staring at me w his 😐#i wanna place my new desk sooo bad but i have to go to work later so i have to hold it back 😩#babbles#tbd#also idk if i should post new setup later?? now i forgot to take pic of the old one before i cleared it AHAH
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#im honestly a little bit overwhelmed with the amount of like#saved up red dead art ive made so far and ongoing wips ive started#like guys you have no idea how hard it is to pace yourself when youre churning out 4 drawings a day bc its the honeymoon phase of a hyperfi#and i also really dont want people to think im only doing one specific ship but the next post WILL also be morston bc im trying to#keep those saved up for mondays <3 sorry#i just never know how a new community/fandom is gonna react to multishipping and ship dynamics tbh#bc for some fandoms its super serious and they'll act like you're personally cheating on them if you ship the same character w someone else#or if you like the same ship regardless of who's topping or bottoming#and some are just chill whatever#so far the people ive encountered in red dead seem to just be happy to have more freaks in the ranks but you never know#anyway as of right now i have like uhhhhhhh#2 finished morston pics 3 wips and one idea#one vandermorgan and one wip#one vandermarston wip#one vandermorston and one wip#3 nonship drawings#and a singular vand*rm*tthews wip that i hope doesnt escape containment and find the people i dont wanna be found by#this is the face of a man who is ok mentally#and totally doesnt have like. an overdue uni assigment to finish instead of all this gay cowboy nonsense
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good morning. thinking again of juve and her dog
#oreste garifalle save me. save me oreste garifalle (he cannot even save himself)#i just.. man its so over. by the time they encounter each other juve is the worst shes ever been & oreste doesnt yet know he could be better#so. sure. juve needs to gather the pieces of herself back up and double down on her coping mechanisms but not thinking at all about whats#happened to her/how she was affected by it and by instead fixating on someone elses problems. she needs to offer drive and direction to#another in order to feel more in control of herself#and luckily for her unluckily for himself. by the time she finds him. oreste is only Just stumbling out of a gothic pseudoincest nightmare#in which all of his own wants and desires have been very deliberately placed on a shelf higher than he can reach and hes all too eager#to accidentally replicate previous dynamics (dog) with someone new#so. tldr. juve needs to control/'fix' someone and oreste as of yet only knows how to be controlled/molded in anothers image#which would already be so bad except to top it off. juve is steadily fucking losing it. due to the repression crimes#and even as she tries to distance herself from the emotional aftermath of what she went through. it bleeds into the way she treats oreste#instead. like.#her base level dehumanization of him would already be bad but. as is. in the way it finds her.#juve completely lacks the finesse or grace or awareness to approach it as she normally would#so she instead traps them both in this horrible codependent situation where her 'fixing' oreste mostly involves her going oh! i know!#your problem is that youre not in touch with your anger right? you should be angry about what those guys did to you but youre not rigjt??#so!! easy fix!! lets just get you angry!!!#<- girl who is not entirely wrong but has also never processed any of her own anger a day in her life and Will be projecting#<- girl who will treat you both as a metaphor/extension of herself but Also as a recreation of the previous dynamic she was in with an#excessively angry individual#<- girl who decides the best way to put you in touch with your anger again is by. repeatedly triggering you until you protest#essentially bending your finger back and waiting to see which will come first. you letting it break or begging her to stop#and oreste is always too deeply traumatized and overwhelmed to do anything but let it break. so.#notnow#juve mizani#oreste garifalle#one of my favorite scenes i have planned for them is her making oreste relay what his abuser (kai) looked like. in detail.#as a skinshifter herself.#you see where this is going.#you should send me asks about them btw. if you want. also if you dont
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while the sentiment behind phrases like “find something that works for you” and “find a/talk to a doctor/professional/etc. you trust” are good, they’re thrown in so quickly in so many things and it’s like…that takes so much time. I’ve spent the past seven years trying to figure out a routine that makes it so I can consistently floss after I got retainers. just for flossing. and i only started to get something that kinda works a couple months ago. not to mention the million other things I’m trying to balance and find what works at the same time
i don’t really have a point, just. finding what works and reliable people takes a lot of time. so if you see that as part of advice like a side note (not saying it’s done intentionally) and it feels like a huge mountain. that’s because it is. it’s so difficult sometimes. you’re not alone in that
#shitpost#i don’t remember why I started making this post#i must’ve seen something#it’s just like ‘talk to a doctor you trust about it’ great sentiment and I agree but Can we take a moment to bee all#finding a doctor you trust can be a LOT of work and a HUGE project#i have gone to the doctor in several years because the process of finding a new one feels so overwhelming#it’s always a side note at the end it feels#and i just. always notice. I suppose
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human resources guy just called me into his office and i was like ok finally i'm leaving this place. turns out they gave me a new position and a higher salary y'all
#omgggg i girlbossed too hard#what they don't know is im one hard case away from k wording myself hkshejshsjdb#well not really but i truly cant stand this place anymore i fr want to quit so bad but i cant bc finding jobs is hardddd#also i just feel so overwhelmed i should be happy and whatever. i said yes bc i obvs need the money but#god i wish i could just quit#everybody is like ok girlboss congrats like they just made up a new thingy just for you but its like#this means new responsibilities and more stress that i just dont need 😭😭😭😭😭😭 aaaaaa#airam talks
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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects
#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar#no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new#but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term#so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now#so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but#it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out#that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance#so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial#but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal#although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive#i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary#ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness#which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days#and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself#im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles#but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy#and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me#i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this#i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself#im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body#im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up#and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please#and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching#between numbness and overwhelming agony#what the fuck am i talking about
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I am heavily contemplating on buying myself a dvd player soon and buying all the DVDs for a ton of movies and tv shows I grew up watching cuz I miss the magic of dvds
#hear me out on this one okay. but the Barbie movies were magic on dvd back in the day#and I do wanna see if stores are still selling the old strawberry shortcake dvds before I go online for those#I wanna snort that nostalgia so bad#and of course I’ll need to get the dcau on dvd#like all of it cuz I’m so bored with the dccu since we don’t get as much new stuff#it’s always Batman or superman and love them but I’m kinda bored from always seeing a new bman or sups movie#Wonder Woman I wouldn’t mind a new actor for her but I know she’s not gonna be a muscle mommy which I’ll be sad about#give me a Wonder Woman that is built like rhea ripely god damnit#the flash is eh cuz I found out this whole time I’ve been watching the Wally west flash#but yeah Wally is who I want and then there’s the green lantern like dude is so cool iams all we have is the 1 from 2011 I think#sure I could watch some of the tv series they have but I have too many shows on my watch list it’s overwhelming at times so I skip over lots#tho I will have to pray like crazy cuz some of the things I know I want are probably gonna be expensive as fuck even as second hand#saw a class of the titans season 1 dvd going for $81 cad 💀💀💀#the world is not kind to those who don’t love the digital age#I prefers my dvds cuz I own it and no one can take it away from me unless they physically steal it#omg I’m turning into my grandma cuz she still had the vhs player with some tapes too#just wish she never donated the tapes for swan princess 1-3 and Anastasia and ferngully and basically all my faves that she owned#like Ngl a part of me wants to hit up value village just to see if maybe they’re still there or if I’ll find other copies of the same things#cuz a perk about cities with older people is that you get so much older tech and other items it’s insane
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the part of old school fandom days i miss the most on here is getting lots of really amazing anons but i've had anon off for years after a couple bad experiences of people being mean and now that i'm super active in iwtv fandom the urge to turn it back on is so strong but... i don't think i can deal with people being mean to me right now lol
#back in spn fandom days i used to have hundreds of asks in my inbox on a weekly basis and tbh that was a little overwhelming but#i get maybe one ask every calendar year on here now and i do miss that sense of ~community you know#i think i'm just really struggling to find friends in a new fandom and it's making me sad and idk why my brain is insisting#that turning anon on would fix that lmao#anyway jesus i have work to catch up on let me shut up.....
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So... something that I noticed: there’s a direct cut between these two scenes, and Erik’s hand is not where it actually landed on the second shot.
And it just striked me how close he actually was to cupping Charles’ face in that moment, or stroking his cheek, you can see it--
I don’t know if it was a deliberate decision to make Erik move his hand away so as not to make the gesture too intimate, but you know what? Either way it makes it even better. It means that Erik didn’t just hold Charles still, he grasped at him, either stroking his chest or just trying to clutch at him tighter, making sure that he was still there, still alive, and that maybe, just maybe, he didn’t quite dare to touch Charles’ face.
This heartbreaking scene just became a tad more heartbreaking for me, wow.
#cherik#Charles Xavier#Erik Lehnsherr#xmen#it never fails to amaze me how I still find new details#like one would think all these movies have been analyzed frame by frame#but then I see something and it blows my mind#and next thing I know I'm wailing in the corner again#overwhelmed by feels#am I reaching too deep? maybe#who cares I certainly don't
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Ask Game: List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who liked or reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers :)
Hm, there are a few things here and there i really enjoy indeed i think, so here we go.
🎶Music
🎮Gaming
🌧Rain
🍂Fall/Winter
🧁Cooking/Baking
#personal#i have not much interaction here so i might tag people at random XD sorry in advance and you do not have to do that if you dont want#I am really a absolute food driven person#and enjoy as soon the cooler seasons are around everything seems a little slower and less....overwhelming#i can listen to rain without getting bored and find myself being facinated by weather love watching thunderstorms#even if i for the most part circle the same games and it takes me a while to take on a new one i do love gaming#music is a very soothing and inspirational thing to me what i listen to spans a wide variety because it really depends on the mood#idk why i put that into the tags#maybe didn't want the list to look all jumbled up because i wanted to say something to everything xD#thank you for sending the ask♥
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need to dust + declutter my room in a major way but have not been able to come up with even a crumb of motivation to do little else but bed rot :(
#outside of visiting mum in hospital have just been. in bed#and it has bit me in the proverbial big time#got my centrelink payment cancelled because i couldnt face my appointment + then just let it slide#had an appointment scheduled for tomorrow that i was going to force myself to attend only to find out they pushed the cancel button today#it’s my own fault so can’t complain and am mostly just upset at myself for letting my mental health get on top of me to this point#esp when my service provider was so chill one lousy call and it would have been fine#anyways. here’s hoping the new claim won’t take the whole projected four weeks#that or that my ed kicks rocks and i manage to be a functioning member of society who can work a job#everything is just feeling very overwhelming :(#personal
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man in his mid 20s who says tee hee
#art#traditional art#watercolour#oc art#ocs#oc group: lia crystal darling#oc: bibi#I DREW THIS a while back u can see the date in the corner LOL but i didnt scan it because it was like#a tiny little drawing from a tiny little watercolour paper pad and i. lost it JHKDSDds i forgot i had it#BUT I FOUND IT AGAIN so i scanned it finally ~#today i had a slightly wretched critique in one of my classes. kinda incomprehensible. oddly harsh with very little actionable advice#i think ive been really lucky in school with critiques at least post secondarily. most have been very useful and fun and interesting#even if i dont find all the advice useful usually i can at least glean something like a communication issue or something im having#but this one was wack as FUCK only advice i got was basicaly all the work u did sucked u should just redraw year old unrelated work instead#my professor seems to think im on the right track tho i think it was just the TAs who came out the gate swinging LOL#theyre like my age so maybe theyre just overwhelmed about trying to lead a critique like this i think theyre new at it#so i'll try not to be too discouraged but MAN.... so now. i need to post drawings of my anime boys to bring me back down to earth#look at my anime boy. he even has hair covering one eye <3
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