#yeah no this wasnt supposed to be this long
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🥧🍻Contains spoilers for Supernatural ending🍻🥧
I take what I said about the ending back. I've been rewatching and I agree that it wasn't right.
Throughout the entire series, we consistently see Sam and Dean encounter other hunters who usually represent two paths. In this life, you die or go insane ("You either die a hero or you live long enough to become a villain" -The Dark Knight). And of the two options, Sam and Dean seem to have decided that dying is at least better than potentially hurting someone. Neither of them actually believe that because they keep bringing each other back.
But this post is mostly about Dean's ending - death, in the line of duty, by rusty rebar.
During my first watchthrough, I could see - very surface level - that yeah, sure, Dean would want to die that way. Going out saving people, Sammy at his side.
But almost every other time (if not every time) Dean is faced with his own death, he decides he doesn't actually want that. He feels he must. He dies so others can live, that's his job, it's expected. But he would live if he could. When he made the demon deal to get Sam back, he confronts his nightmare self and says he doesn't want to die. He doesn't deserve to die. With the mark of Cain, in the confession booth he tells the priest that he knows he doesn't want to die and that he wants to live and experience life differently.
Dean wants to break away from the expectation that hunters die. Maybe he can't have a "normal" life. But he wants something other than what's expected of him. What God expected of him.
This was supposed to be Team Free Will. This was supposed to be about breaking away from God's Plan. Not dying like the little soldier daddy raised him to be but to become more than that. Break away from the narrative.
In the end, though, Dean is forced to have the death that everyone else planned for him. The self-sacrificing version of himself, other hunters, his dad, God. All the people we as the audience wanted Dean to be free of, to live in spite of - he dies like daddy's blunt little instrument. Cas sacrificed himself to the empty, finding peace in the face of never seeing the love of his existence again, in the face of literal eternal nothingness so that Dean could live and be more than [Dean] thought he could be. He was happy to sacrifice his happiness for Dean's. Just for Dean's life to be cut short the same way Cas died to avoid. (Death because of the work. Death like a soldier in battle.)
All of the times Dean and Sam (and Cas) die and come back to life, all of the people they find who live happily, the family they find together, the love they find, defeating literal God - it all felt like it was building to something more substantial. That they BOTH (*) were going to get something more than they expected - or, rather, resigned themselves to.
And on Sam's end - throughout the show, they show us, surface level and parallel to deans death, that him living a "normal" life without dean is what is expected. He left the life. He left Dad and Dean, went to college, had goals and aspirations, and had a serious girlfriend. His life was laid out for him. Just like death was laid out for Dean. But when push comes to shove, Sam doesn't want to live without Dean. Even when Sam thinks he can do it, like when Dean goes to purgatory, he comes the moment Dean calls and gets back into the life. When Dean dies from the mark, he says so. He was wrong, and he'll do anything to get Dean back. Everybody asks him why he would ever come back when was almost out and he tells them that he actually loves this life. That now he isn't forced into it but chooses it. He doesn't want a life without his brother in it. And that is what he was doomed to suffer. By the end of the series, I don't think Sam would have just let go like that.
Chuck said one brother had to kill the other. In other words, one lives, one dies. And that's what happened.
*I wasnt going to but now I am. Let's talk about Cas too! Through the show Cas dies again and again and again. God hates the disobedient angel with a crack in his chassis who fell in love with a man. God kills him. God wants him out of the picture but he won't go. He can't go. The story falls apart without him in it. Dean falls apart without him. But somehow his death is considered a good ending for him (good story telling wise, externally)? That confessing his love was enough? That dying in place of Dean was where he wanted to be? Sure, he was happy but it came at the price of that very happiness. It was had and taken in a moment. He was destined to die by God and that's what happened. (And we are supposed to believe that Dean just... lives on, cuddlin his dog and eatin' pie like he's not wrecked? That every other time Cas dies he falls apart but this time when Cas dies, they defeat God and true happiness is supposedly possible now - Dean would just give up? That he wouldn't try to get him back? Especially after a love confession? That just doesn't make sense to me.
My theory is that there's more to the ending than we know. That they did intentionally wrap it up there, that you can take it or leave it. But it leaves you wanting, leaves just enough questions unanswered that if they were to do a revival there's things they can do with the story.
Tl:dr: for a show about breaking away from the narrative, choosing free will, and not being held back by expectations, the ending really didn't fit well and let us down. IN MY PERSONAL OPINION
#lou watches supernatural#this post got away from me#supernatural#spn#chuck won#chuck won theory#i know im not the first to say this surely but ive never said it myself#dean winchester#sam winchester#dean deserved better#team free will#tfw#spn spoilers#supernatural spoilers#lou rants#lou's original posts#castiel#castiel deserved better#cas deserved better#supernatural meta
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I need need need housewife!Art post-US open since he’s retired and now he can take care of Patrick domestically
Inspo: Cater 2 U by Destiny’s Child
wow wow wow I loveeeeee this song, and I think you hit the nail on the head because Art would definitely do this. i did take some liberties and only focused on the cooking part but hope you like it! (also this is ridiculously long my apologies)
cw: nsfw (18+), light feminization, pregnancy/breeding kink? (idek man), gender roles
After winning his last shot at the U.S. Open, Art felt like he could finally breathe. He could wake up when he wanted, eat what he wanted, do what he wanted, do who he wanted.
It didn’t take long for Art to rekindle with Patrick after the challenger. It was actually Tashi’s idea. She thought it could be beneficial for their relationship to introduce Patrick into whatever they had going on. At first, Art didn’t know what to think or how to feel but once Tashi reassured him that she felt it was best and they would figure out what to tell Lily when the time came, Art agreed.
And she was so right. Having Patrick around wasnt only helpful but it just felt right. Slowly but surely Art had opened up to the idea of Patrick being their boyfriend. Not to mention Patrick was actually amazing with Lily, who knew he’d be so great with kids?
Now that Art was retired, he spent most of his days at home. He still went to the gym most days to maintain his physique but his workouts were less intense. He no longer woke up at 4:30 am but got to sleep in until 8 am. This way he could get in a good workout before Lily woke up around 9:30 am. Now that Art was usually home, they cut their nanny’s hours to only when needed, like if they went out for date night. They also cut their private chef’s hours. Art would usually make breakfast, lunch, and sometimes dinner for everyone if he felt up to it. Except Patrick, their private chef and nutritionist would work together to formulate Patrick’s meal plan since he was still training.
Art loved spending more time with Lily. He felt like he was actually getting the chance to be a dad first as opposed to being a tennis player first.
Tashi was going away for a week to attend paris fashion week so it would just be Art and Lily home most of the time (like usual) since Patrick was still on his training schedule.
For this week Art really wanted to take the time to take care of Patrick since Patrick’s been working so hard prepping for the US Open, so he had dropped Lily off at his mom’s house for the week.
That morning when Patrick had woken up at 5:00 am to get ready for the day, their bed was empty, where’s Art? It didn’t take long for Patrick to get dressed and head downstairs. He walks into the kitchen to find Art pouring a smoothie into a glass.
“good morning,” Art smiles, he doesn’t bother getting a straw because he already knows Patrick is going to gulp this down in two minutes.
“and to what do I owe this pleasure? you usually sleep in.” Patrick asks walking around the kitchen island and taking a sip of his smoothie.
Art shrugs, “i gave the private chef the week off so I’m gonna do all ur meal prep this week.”
Patrick raises his eyebrows, smirking, “oh really? you cooking for me? i might have to get on one knee and propose to you right now.”
Art scoffs laughing, “yeah yeah yeah, you better hurry up because you were supposed to be at training,” Art checks his phone for the time, “two minutes ago.”
Patrick gulps down the rest of his smoothie and gives Art a peck in the cheek saying, “thank you babe,” as he jogs outside towards their home tennis court.
…
Around lunch time, Art had just finishing plating both his and Patrick’s food when Patrick walks in from outside.
“so what’s for lunch?” Patrick asks taking a seat on one of the barstools next to the kitchen island. He is very sweaty, so he uses his towel to dry off his face.
“same as always, chicken, rice, vegetables.” Art responds placing Patrick’s plate in front of him. Art places his own plate next to Patrick’s and takes a seat.
“you know you making me food actually really turns me on.” Patrick says, muffled since he’s already started stuffing his mouth with food.
Art laughs, taking a bite of his food. “uh huh, i feel like everything makes you horny.”
“no im serious, it just feels so domestic, like your my wife.” Patrick smirks, finishing up the last of his food.
“ha ha, very funny. did you every stop to think that maybe i just— like taking care of you. your working really hard with all your training for the open and i’m just really proud of you” Art says still looking down at his plate.
“that is really fucking sweet, fuck sweetheart. can I make a request for dinner?” Patrick says leaning towards Art and invading his personal space.
“Patrick you know I have to stick to the meal plan, Tashi would actually kill me.” Art retorts, turning to face Patrick.
He whispers in Art’s ear, “when you make dinner I want you to only be wearing an apron.”
Art starts blushing almost immediately and nods softly showing he understands.
“good,” Patrick smirks, “now I have to practice with that image in my head, it’s gonna be hard to focus.”
…
When Patrick finished training he went straight upstairs to shower and change into something more comfy while Art worked on dinner.
By the time he came back downstairs he saw Art. In the kitchen. Only wearing an apron. Fuck. Since the back of the apron is open, Art’s back and ass is exposed.
“i know i asked for this but goddamn your ass looks fucking amazing.” Patrick groans walking over to stand behind Art. He kneads and gropes, squeezing the meat of Art’s ass.
“Patrick,” Art squeals in surprise, he’s still facing the stove occasionally stirring the broccoli he’s sautéing.
Patrick doesn’t skip a beat as he starts kissing the side of Art’s neck. “i think i’m gonna need to have dessert before dinner.”
“but Patrick i need to finish—” Art gets cut off when a moan escapes his own lips. Patrick had started sucking a hickey onto his neck.
“it can wait, fuck I need you.” Patrick gets down on his knees, spreading Art’s cheeks apart before he starts licking into Art’s hole.
Art drops his spoon on the floor in surprise. He grips the edge of the countertop, “oh fuck patrick fuck that feel so good.”
Patrick pulls back for just a second, inserting one finger into Art. “yeah, you like that?”
Art starts fucking himself back on Patrick’s fingering, nodding. Patrick add another finger until he works up to three fingers.
“who knew my wife was such a fucking slut? fucking yourself back on my fingers. havent even fucked you properly yet.”
Art starts whining, “please fuck me, fuck, i need it, i need you, i need— ah, fuck.” Patrick had pulled his fingers out and replaced them with his cock in one swift motion. He grabs Art’s hips and starts fucking into him rapidly.
“fuck you’re so fucking tight.” Patrick moans
“yes fuck keep fucking my hole please, faster please.” Art whines trying to keep himself upright.
“awe my wife really is a greedy fucking cockslut hm.” Patrick grunts out. “touch yourself.”
Art moves his hand under the front of his apron and starts jerking off. He’s already close.
Patrick leans “do you want me to cum inside you? get you fucking pregnant? since you wanna be a housewife?”
And that went straight to Art’s dick. “fuck yes please please please cum inside me, i want you to get me pregnant.”
Patrick smirks, he wasn’t sure how Art was going to respond to what he said but he was pleasantly surprised, “are you gonna cum for me? make a mess on your apron?”
Art nods moaning, “yes fuck, i’m gonna cu— ah fuck.” Art spills all on the inside of his apron, some of it even getting on his chest and tummy.
Patrick isn’t too far behind and he spills deep inside Art. He does his last couple thrusts making sure to bury his cum deep inside of Art, like he wanted to get him pregnant.
And Art had burned everything he made for dinner but Patrick helped him remake everything.
When Tashi comes back a week later and sees the burnt staining on a few of the pots and pans she questions their private chef about it but he has no idea where they came from.
#art donaldson#challengers#patrick zweig#artrick#art donaldson x patrick zweig#artrick smut#challengers 2024
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Top three insane and concerning Odile dialogues to me. Like the obvious reading here is that her problems will be solved because the King is going to kill her. And I do wonder if, aside from being pessimistic/trying to be realistic, she was straight up prepared to sacrifice herself.
As soon as she joins the party she expresses that she doesn't like the idea of leaving the fate of the country up to Mirabelle and Isabeau because they're younger than her. She says she's willing to do horrible things to protect the party on a family quest route. She learns some kind of craft that stops Siffrin from looping in Act 5. I don't think it's straight up Time Craft, which - as a reminder - could kill the user, but I can imagine it's still dangerous seeing as it's powerful enough to interact with Time Craft. And in the tutorial event, she puts herself between Siffrin and the rest of the party.
I don't think her potentially expecting to die against the King is her just throwing the towel either. She keeps emphasizing how the party has to be prepared and in top condition for the battle. It's more of a "if someone has to die, I'll take the bullet" kinda scenario.
That being said there's still the "One way or another part." which makes me wonder. Assuming she lives, her problems still extend beyond just the party splitting up. But going throught her friend quest, I guess she kinda accepted that trying to find closure in Vaugarde isn't going to be as fulfilling as she hoped and trying to make sense of her ties to it and how it informs her sense of self is going to be more complex than she expected.
But then, maybe the reason she expected her problems to be solved "one way or another" soon is because she expected she'd finally have the courage to ask the party to keep traveling together without worrying about the King?
The game keeps bringing up how the party has only known each other for a short time but a few months is long enough to get attached, especially if you've been by yourself for a long time like Siffrin or never quite found your place in your usual life like Mirabelle.
Maybe Odile doesn't even have that much to go back to in Ka Bue. Before it's revealed that everyone would like to stay together, Mirabelle seems content to stay on Dormont despite feeling insecure about her percieved lack of progress living in the House. Odile says once everything's over maybe she'll go back to Ka Bue but she isn't neccessarily eager to. Isabeau is the only one who really expresses wanting a change in his life once the King's defeated but even then it's kinda assumed he goes back to his town.
Bonnie is a little bit of an outlier here because of course they'd want to go back to their sister, but they still prefer that she comes along with them once they party makes it to Bambouche.
Maybe all Odile really wants right now is to not be left behind again.
#oh god this post wasnt supposed to be long#isat spoilers#stars n time#i guess ill tag this yeah#isat#in stars and time#odile
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i am actually so tired of the way westerners treat eastern europeans
#fair warning for. a very very long ramble and rant in the tags. apologies#westerner or russian. no other option#westerner because the only thought they ever have is 'but they had universal housing so if you oppose ussr you oppose that'#(which is stupid becuse you can believe in that WITHOUT WANTING LIKE 6 COUNTRIES TO BE FORCED TO BE RULED OVER BY RUSSIA)#(SORRY FOR WANTING TO LIVE IN MY COUNTRY WITH MY HISTORY AND MY CULTURE AND NOT RUSSIA!!) (poland was a sattelite state but GOD)#or russian because they have a victim complex and are convinced that they deserve to rule over the entire damn world#'well you had universal housing so you had it easy' right yeah. okay. forget about like. everything else that happened#to eastern europeans during that time#forget about the things that are STILL issues all these years later not only in poland but like the more eastern countries too#its not about. the fact that the houses 'didnt have 3 bedrooms and a jacuzzi' in them. you DUMB SACK OF SHIT#god sorry. sorry. i also know so very little but like god damn i fucking live here. i didnt sit thru all that modern history#for some dumbfuck to say that 'ohhh only rich and american middle class people are happy the ussr was dissolved'#'oooh the dissolving of the ussr was illegal and the countries within it actually liked being there'#im just so fucking tired man i need to. i need to start killing people#and this is all not to mention that theyll say this stupid shit and then deny eastern europeans the things they actually did that were good#FUCK french people for trying to claim maria skłodowska. fuck americans for trying to claim the witcher as their own fantasy world#fuck the way the west is allowed to claim and destroy eastern european culture without any consequence because we dont matter enough#vaguely related but ill throw this in here since anyone finding it is unlikely and im scared of having this opinion#i think one underappreciated aspect of DE (which might be underappreciated because its not actually there and im stupid)#is that its pro-communist while still also giving some criticism to how it was handled and acknowledging that its still not perfect#which makes the writers much better communists than any self-proclaimed one ive ever met in my life who just worships the idea#perhaps its because the writers of the game were not white upper middle-class americans living in the suburbs. among other things#idk de is a game for people far smarter than me and i only played it once and im sure anyone who played it well can clock me as a bad perso#horrible horrible person even which is why im scared of mentioning it. but its an interesting thing. to me#the main thing is that im just not. im not far left enough i suppose. i agree communism in theory is a great idea. as far as i know it#(which isnt very far)#but chances of implementing it correctly in a way that doesnt take away from peoples happiness in other areas is. low. very low#i wrote a short essay about how utopias are inherently contradictory ideas once it wasnt very deep or good but like#you cant have universal happiness without restricting certain freedoms. and when those freedoms are resticted not everyone#will be happy. and then theyre unhappy they will have to be somehow removed or ignored
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Hello! I have found that your fic 'The Phantom and The Potter' hasn't been updated in two years, and you gave a link to your tumblr, so I came to say hi. Is your fic discontinued? If it is, can you add a note that says discontinued or an hiatus?
None of my fics are discontinued! I would've already done so if they were! :D I circle back around to all my old fandoms eventually
#asks#mxxnmxxn9875#tptp#the phantom and the potter#has it been that long??#wild#well i suppose ive been at my current job for almost a year now and i wasnt there last i updated it so yeah probably#damn im old#you youngsters—time doesnt fly by you like it does me i suppose
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citing all my sources of inspiration for Nikodemus would mean unironically putting Misfits 2009-2013 at the top of the list
#second? malleus maleficarum#sometimes you can tell this character's bones were constructed sometime in the beginning of the previous decade#and now i'm trying to put meat on them#but it's why i haven't changed all the silly weird shit about him in so long#his names are still a fucked misreading of various sources i half researched on my ass computer at 15#he's still like a badly written cartoon villain in some aspects#and a vague eldritchy blob that still elludes me in others#cause yeah i maybe read a little bit of lovecraft at the time and decided the evil fratboy was ALSO gonna be unknowably complex#without having the knowledge and resources available to write him that way#ITS WHY I LOVE HIM THOUGH#reviving him and Avita after so long felt a lot like excavating a time capsule left by myself in the past#and so much of it didnt fucking make sense BUT IT WASNT SUPPOSED TO MAKE SENSE BACK THEN#it was supposed to be FUN#sometimes i wonder if i've sucked the joy out of it somewhat but it's also a motivator to stop gaf#like fuck it man#little Vee's creation should be honored as instructed#Nik the bastardous little magic man and all his adventures#where's the fuckin WHIMSY BRO#ok rant over. this post was about nathan young and his chokehold on my teen self fjdkkdks it was TERMINAL
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Her. An Essay.
The spring air lies heavy in your lungs as you breathe in deeply, the bright smells assault your nose and waves of nostalgia roll off the hills. You know this is her favorite season so you’ve dressed prepared for the chill in the air.
It's a long walk to the meadow with a shovel in hand and wheelbarrow pushed in front of you, but you do it. When you get there, a girl smiles up at you from where she is playing in the grass.
You know her age, but do not say it. You know her name, but do not say it. You know her, but do not say it.
She says hello in that sweet mellow tone that sounds so foreign yet so similar and tastes like syrup on your tongue. Her eyes are wide and shining, but blissfully not tear stained- like your own- and her cheeks are round with a warm flush as her smile softens.
You do not meet her eyes, those same beautifully colored eyes that match yours, searching for a hint as to what you’re doing here. You gaze across the meadow instead but still catch a glimpse of her blue denim overalls and green shirt.
They match your own in a way.
You finally say hi back and take the shovel to the dirt under a beautifully perfect sycamore tree that arches into the sky; it rises before the two of you, right in the middle of the meadow. The dirt stains your clothes as you drop to your knees, using your hands more than the shovel to dig at the layered earth.
You hear soft footsteps behind you but don’t look up from your work. To your side you see the girl walk up to you again and she places a small flower behind your ear before grinning and moving to lay in the sun near you.
You pluck the flower out from behind your ear to examine it. A white petunia. A wistful familiarity to the flower washes over you and you tuck it back behind your ear before moving back to the freshly unearthed dirt.
You can feel her watching as you dig this pit, you hate the feeling of dirt under your fingernails. The mud cakes on your hands and crackles with every movement; it makes your skin crawl but you don’t give up now. After a small hole is dug, you grab the large stone and tools brought in the wheelbarrow and begin to carve. She sits next to you now, her smaller hands grip a rock in her own palms and she plays with it gently.
You carve a name you didn’t think you’d ever write again into the rock and place it at the top of the pit. She recognizes the name, tips her head smiling gently, and in an understanding manner she stands up.
And walks away. Around the back of the sycamore tree she disappears and then reappears.
She plucks a sycamore leaf off the ground when she´s visible again and looks up as you smile at her. She drops the leaf into the hole you've dug, then helps you repack the layers of sediment that you both know you’ll unearth again, in the future, to be intertwined together in the end.
But not now. Now, the earth is resealed and she smiles sweetly, laying a makeshift bouquet of petunias and poppies with a gentle hand.
You get up and hold a hand out for her, she doesn't look away from the earth you've both just moved and instead runs her hands over the top of the rocks again before sighing with a big smile. She gets up and grabs your hand, it's so much smaller and softer than yours yet you can still feel the dirt on both of your hands.
She grips your hand a little tighter, following your lead as you walk towards home, flower still tucked behind your ear you notice a matching flower behind her own. And you smile.
When you get closer to the house, her eyes are wide with soft recognition, a place so familiar to the both of you yet it feels cold and empty at the same time. You invite her inside again, it's been so long for you both, still the house is like an old friend, in a way. You hold open the door and she steps through.
She walks over to the dinner table and sits down at the far side, gesturing for you to sit on the other but you shake your head politely.
You aren't ready yet.
You ask if she’d like a drink, and she nods. You already know what she would like so you don’t have to wait for her to tell you. Passing over the tall glass with ice clinking in it feels like a ritual. You don't want to let go. You do. You sit down across from her.
You know what's coming next and it's hard. You know you have to accept it. Losing her again won't be easy but you know it's not permanent this time.
She takes small sips of her drink, smiling over to you but neither of you attempt to make small talk anymore, you both know how the interaction will end.
And it's not bittersweet. Neither of you are upset. She is content in a way you don’t think you quite understand yet. But you think you feel complete, whole and peaceful for possibly the first time in your life.
It's enjoyable to watch her glowing eyes look at you with respect and admiration, to be able to grow into what you did makes her heart beat with something adjacent to love.
And as you leave the house, knowing you will be reunited in the end, to be buried in love & hate, happiness & anger, and warmth & heartache. You know it's love. It's always been love.
For her.
-Her. An Essay. (By me)
Happy trans visibility day. This is an ode to the girl I was. We will be buried together in the end. I love you, take care.
#scamera writes#scamera poems#original poem#trans day of visibility#transgender#lgbtq#tdov#wanted to post this one eventually and figured today wasnt a terrible day to do it#anyways. idk if it comes across properly but this is about being and not being the girl i was#and how she was herself and in order to be me i had to dig her grave and by god she helped#but we will be intertwined again in the end#(idk if That makes sense ! guys my brain works weird)#also yeah. this one is a long one <3 i do call it an essay dont i#and idk how happy i am with this (i cant tell if it Seems positive but its supposed to be kinda)#it still feels much too story based for what i want but im okay enough with it that i will post it (im not Overly happy with it)#i dont think it needs any tags? just in case though#ask to tag#okay#i love you all & happy tdov#your body is your own and you are lovely
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I think the take-away from my near death experience is that I am simply unkillable
#its either laugh or cry and i choose laugh#i have become extremely cautious since then#in case this post is concerning#i honestly never felt i was in that much danger#i wasnt able to check my skin at the time even though i knew i had hives#only once i had been admitted and set up in the ER did it start to feel severe#esp after i saw my vitals#and looking at it from the ERs point of view#patient walks in after driving three hours in anaphylaxis for two of them#epipen a foot away and unused#HR 144 BP 150/100 and PMH of uncontrolled severe asthma#and also reporting difficulty swallowing and asthma#yeah okay i get it#there was a moment i decided between going into my home after a long drive or restarting the car and driving five min to the ER#thats a crossroads#i had no clue i had a life threatening allergy disorder#i thought i had a nearly gone childhood peanut allergy#good call i suppose#i did get scolded for the epipen tho#heres the mystery to me tho: where did the hypertension come from?#im normally hypotensive#bp technique wasnt ideal but not enough to cause that kind of distortion#anaphylactic shock is supposed to cause hypotension#maybe one of the many medications im on#or a unique feature of mcas#ramble over#although I'll never be done treating my medical records like an interesting puzzle#disability#chronic illness#salt baby talks
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man if i had the engergy to write fics. the things id do to fiddleford.. oh man the things id do..
#to me hes very; incredibly repressed gay man who was definitely very in love with ford in college then proceeded to get married to a woman#so he would stop thinking about it because him and ford were just 'college buddies' and 'only kissed a few times when they were really#intoxicated and isnt that a funny story haha' so the first chance he got he just convinced himself he was in love with his wife#because thats what he was supposed to do hes supposed to get married and have kids and provide for his family thats#how its supposed to be- and i do think he loves his family and loves his wife like they were probably friends before getting married#but then ford calls him up again after so long and he just drops everything to *be there for him* like not even because he wants to do it#for science he wants to do it for *ford* and then time goes on out there and the feelings resurface#and i like to think that when the fight he had with his wife over the christmas present that was the moment he finally realized#that hes just been in love with ford this whole time or at least that he wants to go back to him so bad that he just gets on the last plane#back to gravity falls and goes back to ford and as things get worse he just starts breaking down because hes thinking he wasted his whole#life that hes married he cant go back now probably also a lot of internalized homophobia just having the worst time while#fords off with his little triangle bf and starts getting a little colder towards him near before he left and so#after all that after the portal test hes just completely shattered even without the memory gun bc hes just like i ruined my life i think my#wife hates me and ford is just acting insane he wasnt like this before and i did this all for him this could be the end of the world#and so then just a couple of zap zap zaps later and hes old man mcgucket local cook haha! anyway yeah i have to#do some of my physics homework tomorrow its due Tuesday
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sometimes i wish people could properly understand why i apologize for falling asleep before or during a conversation
#‘its okay��� no it isnt#its not okay#because if i fell asleep before talking to you that means i missed out on talking to you#and now ive talked to you less than i want to#and i barely get to talk to you as is#so ‘its okay theres next time / right now’ yeah but i missed THAT TIME#and then what if they end up not replying until the day later?#i have to go so long without talking to one of my favorite people#and then that ruins my whole mood because its that theyre one of the few people who actually keep me happy#and are the reason im still getting through this shit#so what am i supposed to do going what would be practically 2 days without talking to that person??#its not their fault#it isnt mine but it feels like its mine#because i know i couldve stayed up#if i would if sat up instead of laying down#took the blankets off so i wasnt warm and comfortable#i’d be freezing and uncomfortable so i wouldnt be able to fall asleep#and i know that#but i stayed comfortable anyway#so that makes it my fault
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The art style crisis returns. Yay.
I keep finding different ways to do things, and my brain gets confused. So if things start to look different, I'm testing things out.
#rosewashereyt#hhhhhhh#i spent too long on the doodle for this lol#wasnt supposed to get that detailed#autopilot kicked in ig#it is like- 12:30 am so yeah. usually kicks in right about now
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wuwa rambles incoming, on the negative side ish (?)
so i also ended up downloading wuwa to test it out despite being fairly confident in the assessment that it Will not be a long term thing for me (and yeah stand behind that one after day 1 and some today) and like
firstly yes the state of the game is in shambles lmao like it really wasnt finished in time for release in terms of performance and polish At All. on my side luckily the overall experience has been more or less okay on medium graphics with some glitches and a total of two crashes but its still like. this isnt an optimized game at all. ppl rly have been taking genshin being incredibly cautious with new systems and additions (so that the game actually Functions) for granted i suppose 💀 and or consistently taken the most uncharitable angle towards it . like yes we shouldve had xyz since forever but i 100% believe theres actual spaghetti code behind things taking long and that hoyo genuinely wants to be very careful w it for good reason. but yeah artifact presets where still
secondly as much as the world is like, pretty and vast with many sceneries that make for a beautiful vignette to Look at and all kinds of trinkets to run towards and engage w for that quick dopamine release, i think the fact that the story and lore of the world is just so fucking inconsequential and terribly communicated makes it just. Incredibly hard to Feel anything for it. its like a cake with stunning decorations except u take a bite and realize its all just fondant and no actual flavor. its just there. i dont have any thoughts nor feelings for it bc the worldbuilding is such a failure that i care neither for this place nor the characters whose stories are supposed to be selling me on the entire game. and that really sucks bc this place really Does look stunning in places and i Wish they would give me something to care about but its just the backdrop for the (admittedly fun) pokemon echo farm and ur exploration progress and the combat system
character-wise i also just dont mesh with vast majority of them much. they dont stand out enough from one another and no one except for like scar has actually made me very intrigued about anything at all regarding the world. designs vary from ugh to fine with some that i do like but they still arent like . the kind of Instant recognizable design that just Hits. they look fine but they lack the (jenshin) impact that makes you want to forfeit ur mortal possessions to them
now there is One (1) exception to this to be fair and thats sanhua but thats Literally just bc she is so fucking gender envy to me design wise. like its almost perfect just like that. literally if only her top wasnt open in the back . Id wear that shit SO hard for My scifi fantasy waves that wuther self insert oh my god. she looks like a middle school OC id make JSJSKSKDKUSKDK i love herrr literally the only reason i continue playing tbh . And she has ice powers too she is literally made For Me 💀
(jen forbidden lore tldr a niche finnish Banger of a fantasy book series that rewired my brain at 10 had an Excellently written girl protag who among other things gained op draconic ice powers of eternal winter and since then that simply became My main character daydream self elemental power of choice Always hsjsjsjskvkd)
the combat i think is where wuwa stands out and it definitely lets u engage more with the enemies. like ultimate evasion and counters Feel satisfying and building up ur characters unique mechanic like sanhuas ice constructs for her powered up charge atk Feels satisfying i def think theres a lot of potential there but in terms of A Future Meta in a gacha that wants money idk where things would ultimarely go in the future. but ya that stuff is solid.
enemy designs are also cool but suffer from that same lack of context to make me intrigued w the world theyre a part of. like cool eldritch creature ig but it doesnt give heebie jeebies the same way as seeing like. the husks in the chasm for the first time. where u instantly go oh fuck How. Why. Who were they. bc u know there Will be a relevant answer . etc . which is a shame. make me fear for my life smh
anyway for me my pulls have been like ridiculously bad i am genuinely not joking that getting sanhua on my first starter banner multi is the only reason i stuck w it. like. prior to this morning and getting aalto from the 20 free pulls . i have not received a Single non f2p new 4*. i have chixia c3 who i do Not like. yangyang c2. baizhi c1. Literally i kid you not the other new 4* i pulled today was . Yuanwu. so like considering the event and log in thats also c1 yuanwu c1 sanhua (latter of which i obvi have no issue w). and then my starter 5* was the worst case scenario 💀 Walmart gaming i mean. if u think hes cute cool but i am not at All enthused. id have taken Anyone over him lmao
so thats fun . i mean its fine im not gonna play long term i like sanhua and playing her w baizhi and someone like yangyang or aalto its fine for what i intend to do w it for now. & none of the future 5* rly appeal to me either
ultimately the game definitely has potential but it just. released too soon in a shoddy state and in many ways (mostly relating to its open world) i think is too reliant on just resembling genshin without actually innovating on top of that foundation or distinguishing itself from it. and the failure of its story to make players care about its world At All doesnt help. Do i think the world and lore are shit w 0 potential? well obviously no bc its so poorly communicated i cant even fucking tell you what it is About. but any possible potential there was definitely not utilized how it should so eh
now personally i have absolutely no horse in this toxic drama clownfest of a gacha game war arms race other than its not worth the time nor effort. so i truly have no particular feelings of fervent support nor some schadenfreude about kuro and for competitions sake i Do hope they manage to salvage the situation and that wuwa manages to flourish in the end but ironically enough the genshin "killer" number two more or less seems to have went the way of the other one aka ToF. so thats something i suppose lmao
Like there is something very painfully ironic about it all and it is hysterical in that sense. at least that much i can admit hsiajsks. But truly if some ppl find that wuwa offers them sth better than genshin then good for em, dont let my highly lukewarm reception ruin ur enjoyment. just end the fucking drama farm and disingenuous claims to gas up ur own cope and hype
(and to be clear. i would Not have played like 8 hours yesterday if i wasnt genuinely engaged w trying the game out and having fun lol. its just very clear to me that this early rush of ADHD dopamine oh new game new things to burn through new exploration shinies short term quick fun is very likely all wuwa is going to have on offer for me personally)
anyway thats just me so feel free to share yalls thoughts too if ud like
#also like. i am aware that kuro was p much forced to launch too soon#due to the license for releasing the game into chinese markets expiring this year#which does lend context for why they launched wuwa so fast that even cbt 2 testers felt like it wasnt quite ready yet#but anyway i think for me its like#what it does better slash good different from genshin isnt enough to make up for the meh things#that are ultimately just things i could also get from genshin but better#so it wont be anything i see worth sticking long term to at least consistently#like. in genshin So much of what attracts me to it are things that wuwa Failed at#genshin isnt perfect story and traveler is very. character of all times. but this world hooked me in from ground 0#and KEPT me engaged by remaining consistent by having an easily comprehensible base world#and Beautifully layering the complex lore in a way that just intertwines with the simpler surface so naturally#the environments are Distinct design choices are made with Intent and hold implications that are thought out#a book added in 1.0 will be written intentionally relevant for lore revealed 4 years down the line#and like. atmosphere in genshin. with the music. it almost feels bad for wuwa on tbat front they never had a chance 💀#but yeah this has truly been a launch of all times#rambles#wuwa#and i suppose also#gaming tag
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so guys um. really fun update as a result of me once again being really good at understanding and responding to social situations. im pretty sure the friend im seeing is convinced we r like in a relationship or About to be and im just now realizing the extent of that and how quickly im slamming the brakes/going to attempt for smth more casual. um.. girl help
#soooo once again i hate gay people#abby talks#KIDDING. obvi. but um. some reflection has certainly been interesting.#like things got so intense so fast. why were they like telling people including a PROFESSOR about us going out on a single date#and when it initially happened i was just like well... idk shrug. and. yeah just all very fast#i think they had or have developed a serious crush which is like sweet and theyre still very sweet. its just very intense#like the amount they texted when i just didnt answer overnight....#OH MY GOD and i forgot when i split from my friends last night im like 80% sure they were on campus#and tried to like hide their face. like... why. it doesnt have to be this odd huh???#just cause i wasnt rlly answering while i was out?#idk. idk!#anyway im going to be very kind and respectful when we have this conversation but. yeah. nervy#wish i could do it over text but i dont think that's right idk... also we have so many mutual friends and just circles#i really dont need it to get weird. and it really really doesnt have to be yk. im hoping theyre chill and obv i dont want to hurt them#ok yeah doesnt help to stress so much over it. it's just creeping up on me the signs i sorta missed#thinking they also were open to smth casual. well i suppose really long dates and my general nerves abt trying to date again didnt help#oh my god when they said they missed my face after not hanging out for like. a day. and i was just like haha cool#not literally but LOL
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ok thats vol 10 finished!!! heehee giggle teehee
#smudgy.txt#trigun#trigun spoilers#(in the tags smile)#i was so caught up in The Agony that i forgot trigun maximum is legitimately really well written & worth 100% reading#100% worth reading*#& let my fears scare me away#also ummmm 😊 AAAAAAAAAAAA PAIN PAIN SUFFERING AOUFGHHGHDSGHDFGGF GRAAAAAAAAAA SOBBING THROWING UP#bruh i have not cried like that from a fucking cartoon in a long time. fuck this comic GRRRRRRRRR#fuck this comic for making me FEEL THINGS GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR#like. in the anime yeah it sucked it hurt but it was also more frustrating that sad for me bc it just#didnt make sense & felt so... sudden & odd like it shouldnt have happened or wasnt supposed to#idk how to explain it.#but in the manga its just. perfectly agonizing#like yeah it sucks but it was GOOD....... ARGHHHHHHHH#it was like. a perfect send off. literally will never forget that. what the hell#WHAT THE HELL#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#whimper.
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i really fuckin hate my current roommate situation for multiple reasons. one of which is due to him deciding to quit her job immediately after i moved down here i had to be the only leaseholder with a secret roommate situation. and now. their gate system is changing and uses an app to open the gate with a verified occupant's phone number. fuuuuck im like banging my head against the wall
#ordinarily i wouldnt mind a secret roommate situation but its to the point with this guy that i have to handle everything on top of this#and he does not like me all the while. and it sucks so bad#this whole venture down here has been really chaotic and messed up#i cant imagine them ONLY using the app. like. what if my phone dies when im out and i live alone right?#i just gotta call them tomorrow and ask. but it just blows to have to worry about this#in the wake of them deciding to quit his job immediately after i moved in with her#like we talked about them quitting his job before i moved in but i didnt realize it'd be for..... so long. so long.#so long that i had to get us a new apartment that he didnt want to make any input in with#she just wanted me to handle it#and when i broke my foot and was homebound i had to move us both out and repair the previous place up#and after a few months of living here in the new place where we had plans to travel out together and make texas temporary....#she ghosted me for 4 months (WE LIVE TOGETHER?) and then went ''yeah i wasnt being fair to you this isnt working.. -#-i dont like your cats and didn't realize how much i valued living alone''#thanks. im being ditched here. what am i supposed to do now#sorry for always talking about this shit. its my current life situation rn. its not nearly as bad as i've been through but it just sucks
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about ready to jump off the walls for this purchase
i have bought. the full trimax set.
#speculation nation#LSKDJFLSDKFJSLDKFJ i bought a print from them already (currently my only trigun merch that has arrived yet)#and so i got a 10% off coupon for orders from their shop#which OBVIOUSLY means me buying a full trimax charms set AND a sketch zine#i love this person's art style and i LOVE these charms#last time i looked at them i wasnt done with trimax yet so i was a bit more ambivalent about it#hadnt officially met livio yet. now i love him. he is everything to me.#ANDDDDDDDDDDDD my dear trimax wolfwood and vash. much more in my heart than tristamp ones. Yeah.#theyre both preorders so im not getting these until august (AGHHH) but it's ok. it's worth it. im willing to wait.#still better than waiting until DECEMBERRRRRR for the trigun manga reprint lol.#yes i only got into this shit not even 2 months ago no it doesnt MATTERR#i can TELL it's gonna b a long haul interest bc a: it's all ive been able to think about for the past few months#and b: it got me to change my icon from orcelito for the first time in 7 years. that's a Big Deal.#anhways yea. excited.#i loooooove having some free money again. i love making objectively kind of stupid purchases.#just with the stipulation that im not supposed to buy anything else frivolous until my next paycheck lol#... i also did buy two stuffed turtles and also a tshirt from the zoo i went to yesterday. lol.#i need to post pics of them soon. ive just kinda kept them in my bag lol bc i was tired last night.#ooo i should post pics of the animals too. i got a sunburn. nice time outside !!
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