#yeah it wont make sense on certain parts

[cryptidghostgirl]

Make You Wish Chapter Four -- Vox

Pairing: Alastor x Reader

Warnings: I don't think there are any for this chapter? Correct me if I am wrong.

Word Count: 1,225

Previous Part: Chapter Three -- A Reunion

Master Lists 

Hazbin Hotel Master List 

Make You Wish Master List

A/N I wasn't planning on posting this until tomorrow, but it seems to have some rather excited fans so here is chapter four (and the fourth thing I'm publishing today. We're very done for the day. I am tried and have actual work to do.) Also guys, I'm screaming. I accidentally deleted the whole things right before I was gonna post it. Thankfully I had a draft from when it was almost done save but like, god that sucked.

On the screen was Vox, seated behind a desk.

"Top of the hour and we're discussing a certain has-been how has been spotted cavorting around town after a seven year absence." Vox was saying, a poorly drawn image of Alastor displayed on the screen to his left.

Y/n saw Alastor's ear twitch with irritation.

"Yeah." she sighed, folding her arms across her chest, "Vox has gone kinda crazy since you left. I told you, things got tough."

"Did anybody miss him? Did anybody notice? More on tonight's program." Vox said through the TV, shuffling a stack of papers.

Alastor changed the channel with another flick of his finger.

"Hun, don't worry yourself with it." Y/n advised, "He's still gonna be there tomorrow."

The new channel showed a talk-show set up, Vox-2-Nite, where Vox was both host and guest.

"So, the old Radio Demon is back in town." host Vox was saying to himself as guest.

"Why is he hanging around?" guest Vox asked, taking a sip from a mug that had 'fuck Alastor' written on the side.

"Al." Y/n warned, sensing her friends irritation growing.

"What does that mean for your family?" Host Vox asked before Alastor changed the channel again.

Vox was on the screen again, before a bright red curtain.

"Well, handily, I've got good news." he was saying theatrically, "He's a loser, a fossil, and I don't mean to sound hostel-"

Alastor changed the channel again. This time to one of Vox's mega church broadcasts. Vox stood in the center of the screen wearing a pope's hat with an inverted cross on it.

"But the demon is a coward!" he announced, his words matching the previous channels sentiments perfectly.

"Jesus, V." Y/n asked, eyes wide, "How many channels are you running this on?"

"You can take that as gospel. Pulling my viewers? Impossible. I'm visual, he's barely audible."

"Y/n." Alastor hummed, his eyes still fixed on the screen.

"Yeah?"

"You wont mind if I handle this quickly. We can have our little chat after, I promise. It wont take more than a moment."

"I don't know, Al..." Y/n sighed, crossing her arms and tapping her foot slightly, "This isn't good for you, letting him get under your skin like this."

Alastor changed the channel again. A cooking show appeared and Vox was standing before the oven, singing along to the music playing in the background.

"But he should've stayed away! While he hid in radio, we pivoted to video!"

Vox on screen turned to the oven as he sang, opening it and pulling out a deer's head on a plate. Y/n bristled at the site, her horns growing just the tiniest bit longer, her teeth just the smallest bit sharper.

"And now his medium is getting bloody rare!"

"Al?" Y/n asked sharply.

"Yes, darling?"

"I lied." Y/n turned to face him, "He took this shit musical. Rip him a new one."

"Oh!" Millie exclaimed, excitedly grabbing onto Moxxie's arm, "We're gonna get a show!"

Alastor's grin widened at Y/n's words, if that was even possible. He stuck his hand out to the side, his microphone materializing in his grasp.

"Lucky for me, I've got the best voice this side of the divide on my side." he noted, shooting Y/n a look.

Her eyes flashed red.

"You flatter me."

Alastor brought his microphone to his mouth, suddenly exceedingly calm. The imps present in the room watched in shock as his ears flattened along his head.

"Salutations, good to be back on the air!" he announced into the device, "Yes I know it's been a while since someone with style treated hell to a broadcast. Sinners rejoice!"

Vox's brow furrowed on the TV screen as he inched up close to the camera.

"What a dated voice." Vox shot back, clearly listening to Alastor's broadcast on the set of his cooking show.

"Instead of a clout chasing, mediocre, video podcast." Alastor continued, not showing any sign he had noticed the TV demon's insult, "Is Vox insecure, pursuing allure? Flitting between this fad and that, is nothing working?"

"Ignore his chirping!" Vox commanded from the TV.

Y/n laughed and, turning to face Alastor, realized the man held a hand out to her. With a smile, she took it and he spun her into his arms as he spoke. The music echoed through the office as Alastor raised the volume on the TV once again.

"Every day he's got a new format."

Alastor spun Y/n back out again as the pair began dancing.

"You're looking at the future!" Vox yelled back, "He's the shit that comes before that!"

As Alastor spun Y/n back into his arms, she laid one of her hands on top of his holding the microphone and pulled it closer to her face.

"Is Vox as strong as he purports, or is it based on his support?" she sang in a clear voice, Blitzo, Millie, and Moxxie's eyes widening with recognition at the sound, "He'd be powerless without the other Vees."

"That's true!" Alastor noted, pulling the microphone back to himself as Y/n let go of his hand and he spun her back out again.

"It can't be..." Moxxie muttered under his breath.

"Holy shit!" Millie cut him off, excitement creeping into her voice, "There's no way, Y/n is the guest star?"

"The fuck are you two talking about?" Blitzo asked, turning to Millie and Moxxie as they watched the couple continue to dance.

"Well, Sir," Moxxie began, fiddling with the cuffs of his jacket, "back before the Radio Demon went missing, he used to bring guests onto the show on occasion. There was one guest he never named during his broadcasts however. She mostly just sang songs and chatted with him but, she sounded an awful lot like Y/n did just now."

"You don't say." Blitzo hummed, his arms crossed as he turned back to Y/n and Alastor, "So much for little miss 'oh, my life has been so boring. You'd probably just fall asleep if I started talking about it!' She is so gonna get it later."

Alastor let go of Y/n's hand and leaned into the microphone, beginning to sing as well, using the music emanating from the TV as a base.

"And here's the sugar on the cream: he asked me to join his team!"

"Hold on!" Vox yelled.

"I said no and now he's pissy, that's the tea!" Alastor finished, ignoring the demon once again.

"You old timey prick!" Vox exclaimed, his face glitching slightly as Y/n wandered back over to Alastor.

She leaned an elbow on his shoulder, tilting her head to the side in amusement as they watched Vox struggle.

"I'll show you suffering!"

"Aww, the TV is buffering." Y/n said, leaning into the microphone, her voice dripping with sickly sweet pity.

"I'll destroy yoo-o-u-u" Vox exclaimed as his technical difficulties seemed to grow worse.

Alastor and Y/n exchanged a wicked pair of smiles as the TV flickered out. Shadows crept from the edges of the room, encircling their feet. Alastor held an arm out to Y/n once again which she took with a smile. In a flash of darkness, they were gone.

"What the fuck was that?" Loona asked, stalking into the room.

----

Next Part -> Chapter Five -- The Conversation

[soulfulazrael]

"Media literacy" in HB fanbase. OH MY GOD is r/HelluvaBoss dumb. Also Vassago.

I made a mistake

Well 2. One of them is using this gif given recent... funny things with certain VA, but the other, relevant one is visiting the dreaded r/HelluvaBoss

Now I do not engage in discussion there. It will lead nowhere as most of you will realize the moment you will see what I have to show you, but first let's talk about a spectacular case of confused character writing that is Vassago.

I wont discuss who he is in Demonology. That is kind of irrelevant because this show barely follows any of it anyway. What is important is their appearance in Mastermind as the sole defender of Stolas's honor and all I can say is... Who the fuck are you?

And let's be honest. If none of us watched promotional material we would also ask ourselves the same thing. Who is this guy?

And it makes sense because suddenly at a very high point in the story this character is thrown at us as if we are not only supposed to know who this is, but also be amazed at that he defends Stolas. His one friend... brother... lover... someone who comes to his aid among all the other Goetias.

And there was no build up to this character, there was no name drop of him before, no flashback, not even a peep that would relate in ANY way to his character and all we are left with are questions and not the good kind. Why is he for instance speaking spanish in between english? Why is he so important? Why is he the only one in Stolas's corner? Why is he in this pivotal moment that is meant to cap off the entire season's story?

But not to worry because bright people from a beautiful place that is r/HelluvaBoss come to our aid to help our 'media illiteracy'

Do I even have to say anything? I mean I do, but still... come on.

Let us first address top comment "He will be important later". I am sorry, but what kind of justification is that? When is that later? 3rd season? Because if so then this is terrible way of introducing character that is going to be important in 3rd season. Because this show already presents him as if he has been part of the story for a while and gives him a prominent role (as prominent as like 5 lines are) like there was some kind of foreshadowing towards him being the only one to defend Stolas.

There was not. Vassago is put in a role that would be more fitting for character like Ozzie. You know. Actually important character that was given previously some screentime and has established relationship with the main cast who can stand in this proceeding and do SOMETHING aside from looking down at his phone like an average 12 year old today during Christmas Dinner.

And that is the thing. Such a role in an episode should NOT be given to completely new character. This is a role that should be given to already pre established character that AT LEAST is mentioned by word. Like I dunno. With Stolas maybe wondering how Vassago is doing or how maybe at some point he mentions him. SOMETHING. Dropping this character so suddenly in such a crucial moment of the story is just very strange. In a way same goes for Satan who also had about nothing about him besides I believe Verosika episode having him mentioned... one line... that is the level of foreshadow we are doing here.

And then there is that other comment that talks about "media literacy". You want to add a new character? How about do it ANYWHERE ELSE than a crucial part of it. Because those moments are not good for introductions of new parts of main cast without any prior mention of them. Those moments are meant to be culmination of everything that came before. Leave intros for before and/or after.

And then we have some of this

I love those people man. All talking about "media literacy" or "anti-intelectualism". Just... AAAAGH! God. Yeah. You are so smart. You understand writing so well.

Let's just put it into perspective. This is as if Verosika's first appearance would be in Apology Tour as one of the people Blitzo hurt and we are suddenly supposed to care for her even though she never showed up or was mentioned before. That would be STUPID right?

Well that's what they did with Vassago. Apparently VERY important character to Stolas introduced haphazardly during climax of the Season in a prominent role of being the only one who defends him even though not only is this part better suited for other character that is there, but also this role is absolutely wasted because he has about 5 goddamn lines. And it is telling how much in that first image the long comment does mostly just theorizing because we know absolutely NOTHING about this character and people are already supposed to be hyped for him despite that he was introduced so quickly. Also take a load of this.

Yeah. Because a character introduced at the very start of the book is the same as goddamn Vassago. In fact this is like Gandalf being introduced in Moria. Wouldn't that be just dumb? And you know what's sad? This.

Those people actually bring up good points. And they either no attention or get downvoted. Why? Because critical thinking is a sin on that subreddit. The first one especially (upvoted by me now BTW). Just... ugh...

This is the state of people on r/HelluvaBoss. If you value your braincells do NOT go to that damn place. There is about as much critical thinking and praised "media literacy" as there is on ragebait thread on twatter spouted by some idiot talking about how "west has fallen" because woman.

It's stupid. And makes me dumber just thinking about it. Jesus. This fanbase man. It's amazing.

Now there are smart people in this fanbase. There are good people in it. There are very much great, talented people in it. And some of those people who I mentioned who's comments hurt my brain could be talented and could be smart, but are just not about this part of HB. But considering what they are saying... I needed to vent about this because this hurts to see.

And the worst part is that Viv probably likes that this fanbase is like this. No critical thinking or doubts. Just spouting insults. Making headcanons to counter criticism and refusal to leave their echo chamber.

It's sad. Because not only I feel bad for them, but I feel bad for the show, because with fans like those how could it EVER improve? To many of those probably the only time to say anything critical is when it's all over. But at that point... who cares?

Also do not think I am some pillar of 'media literacy' or 'intellectualism'. I am not. I am really not. I am just passionate about writing and those people cause me headaches.

[dunmeshistash]

in regards to skin tone variation in DM, i do think a lot of it is colorism/racism too. theres a few characters of color, but not many (just like how theres some fatter characters, but none of them are main characters (even senshi & other dwarves arent really depicted as fat)).

ryoko kui has surface representation for these people, but it lacks much substance, and the brown characters she does draw arent given brown facial features, and are almost always colored with very ashy skin. a lot of them just look like a recolored white person (especially cithis, kaka, & kiki). her random portraits of characters who dont actually appear in the series otherwise tend to be much better about this, but the actual characters that show up and play a part all seem to suffer from this issue.

im not saying kui is like, super-duper racist and we all need to stop reading DM etc etc, but i think its important to recognize and point out everyday/usually-overlooked colorism & racism when we see it, and i know im not the first or only person to point this out about her character designs. if she can draw fat people and actual brown people as part of the portraits, why cant she or wont she do the same for any of the featured characters in the series?

(i know the orcs are fat, but its not a good thing the only consistently fat people are the ones who are a fantasy race based off of violent racial stereotypes, who are also pig people, while none of the main cast of "real" humans are fat except *maybe* the dwarves, who still have small waists and flat stomachs, and the lord of the island, who is depicted as corrupt & decadent)

Well yeah.

I'm just a lore blog so I don't like to get too into real life issues or make assumptions about how the author feels about these subjects. What I talked about on the skin tone post was assumptions as to why she thought it would be important to show skin tone variations on certain races as a character design choice. (In the sense that her character design is very purposeful)

I realize some people over praise Kui's designs when most of it is pretty safe for what it is, but even if it's just a step closer to better representation it's something that's rare to see in anime. So I understand why some people get so excited about it.

It is important to realize this isn't the ideal either (Dark skinned characters with the same features as the others, mostly well build characters on the thinner side) but I personally don't like to criticize these type of stories on what it "could/should have been".

As someone who is fat and not white, I'm happy we get some diversity in dungeon meshi. I hope this opens up the possibility of better character design in the future even if what we got now wasn't perfect.

It shouldn't be the case that this piece of art filled me with so much joy I teared up cause I had never seen someone with a similar body to mine drawn with so much respect and objectivity. But unfortunately that's the world we live in and I don't think it's wrong to be happy for what we get for now while acknowledging it's not perfect and that it should be better.

I'm also super happy the anime chose to make the dark characters even darker.

[mysticficti0n]

all my attention part 1

warnings- swearing, smoking, fights (mention of blood), gets a bit sad toward the end

words: 4.8k (im sorry)

If you'd like to read the previous parts → All my attention series

a/n- so I am British and cannot speak any German, I speak a little French, Spanish and Italian but German- no. I also do not trust Google translate so this is gonna be like an avatar thing (if you've seen the newest one Jake says that their language just became normal or something along those lines) so in reality this is all in German, you as a reader know German but, its wrote in English... make sense? no... well. anyways enjoy its my first Kaultiz fic so maybe a little everywhere but please read and enjoy 🤍

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backstory- you are the 5th member of Tokio Hotel and you always thought the love was equally platonic between you and a certain guitarist... but what if that all changed?

I sat backstage messing around with my mic waiting to do sound check, I love my job and I'm lucky to be doing this at 17 but I do miss laying in bed all morning and not having to worry about what I look like constantly "Y/n we need you now!" our stage directer called to me pulling me from my thoughts, I stood fixing my sweatpants around my hips and carried myself to stage were Gustav was sat taping away at his drums "okay just need to go through where you'll stand in schrei" I nodded waiting for the man to decide "go top left" I complied and made my way to the corner near to the blonde boy

"does my snare sound normal to you?" I herd Gustav ask then a loud hit on the skin of the drum, it was lower sounding then usual

"no.. maybe tighten it again" he nodded and began playing with the bolts at the side

"Y/n can you speak into your mic" he asked sitting on one of the plastic chairs in the pit

"hellllooooo" I spoke getting a laugh from the drummer

"perfect...okay your done can you send Georg out" I nodded walking back out wiping my eyes as I made my way into our backstage room, 'quickest sound check ever' I thought to myself

"Georg they need you" he huffed rolling his eyes and grabbing his bass

"its way to early for all this" I agreed "its half fucking six!" he grumbled leaving the room, my attention turned to the only other person in the room, Tom, he was slouched on the sofa with his dreads freely sat on his head, we near enough had the same outfit on except he was wearing no shirt, as usual

"how did it go?" he spoke looking up to me to which I shrugged "oh Bill wont be back till like 12 he has meetings and vocal shit to do"

"I thought, anyways how was yours?" I spoke referring to the soundcheck

"well my guitar wouldn't come through the speaker, then the mic cut and I tripped so, perfect" I laughed at his words "anyways wanna smoke?"

"yeah" I hummed seeing him stand and grab his cigarettes from my bag I brought with me, we pushed the exit doors open and walked into the warm morning air that was finally in Germany, it felt like it had been winter for ages but finally It was warming up "I don't know whether I feel like performing tonight" I sighed as he handed me a cigarette, I brought it to my lips and he lit it for me

"why not? you love it" he was right but today just felt like... not a good day to do anything "you'll be fine when we get out there, I know you will"

"I just.. I don't know" I hummed breathing white smoke from my lips

"is it because of Brian?" Tom spoke making my head snap to him

"Brian! no of course not, me and him were done weeks ago I don't fucking care about him" I defended

"because you know he's gonna be their tonight Y/n. look I'm not the one to usually say this but nobody else is saying it- you broke up only two weeks ago and you've ignored what your feeling"

"fuck Kaulitz you're going soft" he laughed taking a drag "and I don't have a 'feeling'"

"I don't give a shit.. wait no I give a shit about you, not him, but honestly are you okay?" he spoke placing an arm over my shoulder to which I sighed again resting my head on him

"i...no, but I don't wanna think of it uno, he made me believe he loved me and that he was the one but all I saw was him hitting it off with a stupid bimbo" Tom's grip tightened comforting me "am I that bad?" I asked laughing solemnly

"I mean.. I" Tom began with a sly smile

"fuck off" I laughed shoving the dreaded man

"hey! I'm joking" he rolled his eyes at my childishness

"but I am sexy as fuck, I have piercings, fuck I dye my hair and yet I'm not better than a skanky, badly blonde haired big lipped whore" Tom shook his head stamping out his cigarette to which I followed

"well tonight play like the git isn't there and if anything find a fan pull them up and kiss their god-damn lips" Tom was a bastard for revenge, when his last girlfriend broke up with him (many years ago) he slept with 5 girls and sent her a picture with the caption 'pussy4ever' I looked back to the boy as he began to speak again "or kiss me?" he smiled wriggling his eyebrows

"yeah sure I will Thomas" we both laughed, in fairness we always found ourselves subtly flirting with one another but never really meant it, the little jokes, touchiness, it was all good fun. We walked back inside and watched as Gustav came off stage swirling drum sticks around his fingers and Georg with a grumpy look across his face

"whats wrong with you sunshine?" Tom spoke holding the backstage room door open for me which I whispered a 'thank you' and sat onto the brown, cold, leather sofa

"fucking bass wouldn't link!" he groaned going to the fridge in the corner and pulled out a water "every time we kept trying and in the end it was the wrong line" Georg slammed against the wall and hit his head

"dude calm down its fixed now" Gustav spoke looking at the bassist who was in no need of being told to 'calm down' Tom sat himself next to me and rested an arm around the back of the sofa occasionally tapping my shoulder and laughing every time I looked to see who it was, we all sat in a comfortable silence all In our own worlds- I was worried for tonight, seeing Brian again is making feel like I need to be sick, I just hoped I wouldn't mess up my parts.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

we were all quickly pulled from our heads and turned to the door where Felix our stage director was stood "we need you all, don't bring your stuff" he spoke in a hurry and running back to who knows where, we all sighed internally and stood up. Being closest to the door I held it open for the other 3 but they all waited

"just go-"

"Y/n we have this argument all the time" Gustav pushed me through the door before I could even argue back and they followed out laughing as I shoved the drummer back with a yelp leaving his mouth. We made it to the stage and walked to the middle, the feeling in my stomach got considerably worse as for the first time I realised how big the show was going to be my eyes curled around the room I couldn't even see the end of the building

"what are we doing?" Tom asked coming to stand next to me and resting his arm on my shoulder as for him I was 'perfect arm height'

"well I need to explain lights to you-" we all gave a small look to one another, nobody want to stand and listen to how the lights will be during the set but we also all knew we had no choice "so when you-" I acted like I was listening but I faded away, I stared right threw Felix and I imagined Brian instead, those fucking dark blue eyes, curly brown hair and that emotionless face he pulled when he said 'we're over' it's been 2 weeks since it happened and Tom was right I didn't really show that I was upset in front of anyone or how the moment haunts me, but they don't see what happens behind closed doors...

"Y/n" I herd a whisper into my ear and I looked to the boy beside me, his eyes looked worried "we need a few minuets" Tom's voice cracked through what Felix was saying and before the older man could interject I was pulled away back behind the curtain "you need tissue" he spoke, my forearm still in his hand as he dragged me into the bathroom next to our backstage room

"Tom I'm fine" he shook his head pulling toilet roll off and folding Into a square

"so do please tell me why you're crying?" I sighed, I knew he wouldn't stop till he got an answer or something from me

"strobes make me emotional" I spoke looking to the floor but he wasn't playing around

"look at me" he commanded but my head wouldn't let me, and I just stared to my shoes "please" at that it was like a release button was pressed and my head snapped up, our eyes met straight away but vision became watery "talk to me-"

"what did I do Tom? I tried everything, he had everything he said he wanted, and he's the only fucking one who's ever wanted me for me, not because of you four guys, not because of my work or money, he wanted me!" I sobbed as for the first time I finally told someone how I really felt "I haven't said a thing but to know he'll be here tonight makes me feel like shit- I can't look at him Tom, after everything we did and for him... for him to say its over and the same night fuck a girl kills me every day! I loved him and this is what I got-" I called in an almost scream, I leant against the wall and slid down until I could feel the tile on my legs and I just held my head, crying into my palms

"I know, and I know its going to be hard babe I know" he spoke and I felt his hand stroke my head "and he wont be the only one to ever want you, so many people will, I promise, you can find someone so much better- fuck sake you're Y/n Y/l/n!. and tonight we'll play the best we ever have just to show him, and I swear to fuck he tries anything on you, he'll be dead" I nodded finally lifting my head and looking towards the boy who just opened his arms for me while crouching, quickly I jumped to him which for the first time in a while- I felt at peace

"yeah..yeah we will" I breathed hiding my face in his neck

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6:00pm (one hour before the show)

"HELLO!" a voice rung into the room followed by a spiky haired boy who walked through the door "fuck me its dull in here" he laughed coming over to sit on his make-up chair

"where the fuck were you!" Tom called to his twin In a angry tone

"meetings and voice stuff" the other brother came back with

"you said you'd be back by 12!" Tom shouted

"I got caught up alright get over it I'm here!" Bill rolled his eyes and slipped of his shirt and began changing for the show, I decided it'll be best if I did the same, the other 3 were ready anyways

"I'll be back" I spoke getting up and going to my bag pulling my outfit out and walking to the bathroom. I locked the door and stared at myself in the mirror, my hair really needed a re-dye, the Y/H/C was really starting to fade, moving on I took off my vest and bra and pulled a lacy black one out and slipped it over me so I didn't have to unclip it, I saw a glimmer of light in the bag and pulled it out seeing a matching thong 'Fucking Clair' I smiled to myself and quickly slipped it on, I did look good I couldn't lie, I posed in the mirror and fixed my hair around my head- I needed a photo "CAN SOMEONE GRAB MY PHONE!" I called waiting to hear a knock as I combed through my hair with my nails

"here- woah" I herd a voice behind me say and I quickly turned seeing Tom looking me up and down with a smirk appearing on his face "who's that for?" he asked leaning against the door frame, his eyes set on my body

"well first of all- how did you get in I locked it, secondly its not for you Kaulitz so don't get you're hopes up" I spoke facing him and his eyes only widened "get out Tom" I laughed seeing him raise his hands in defence

"hey! don't blame me" he smiled placing the phone on the side and walking out and shutting the door which I promptly locked smiling at the idiocy of the boy "dudes she is in a thong!" I herd Tom telling the rest to which they all 'ooo'ed at

"CREEPS" I shouted hearing an up roar of laughter, I rolled my eyes and carried on pulling the phone up and snapping a few pictures of myself, then I grabbed the skirt which just about covered anything and a white top which usually matched Tom's as we decided we'd being doing that for the next few shows. I left the bathroom holding my old clothes and phone and saw all their heads spin to the door "god you guys need to get some pussy or something" I grinned seeing them all blush

"do a twirl Y/n" Bill spoke re-directing the conversation and so I did and he clapped when I bowed

"don't do that on stage if you're facing the crowd" Gustav smirked "I just saw your ass and I don't think your mother would be impressed if that happened"

"good call, someone write- don't bend at audience!" Georg spoke settling in his seat, we all sat and could hear the faint chats of the audience that was arriving, I began pacing around the room humming my lyrics to myself over and over

"smoke?" Tom asked to which I passed him out the door and waited for him outside, the cool night air hitting my skin "here- you need to calm the fuck down" I nodded taking the cig out the box

"I just don't wanna mess up" he smiled at me, lighting the end of the tobacco and then his own "what if they boo me or leave?"

"babe they won't" his hand wrapped around my waist and held me gently "everyone loves you out there, I've seen at least 100 people in your shirts, you've got it" I looked up to him and our eyes connected instantly "if anything look to me I'll do something alright?"

"like trip up or was that only for soundcheck?" he fake laughed rolling his eyes again making me smile, the distance seemed to shorten, we do have our moments but those are funny- this felt real...? tension building around us, eyes locked and ash falling by our feet

"you know-" he began

"TOM Y/N COME ON!" Bill crashed threw the door, hair standing on end and dressed in black (new for him) we quickly broke apart and took one last drag from our smokes before kicking them out and walking inside, people crowded us giving us mics, drum sticks, picks, guitars, sprays, you name it we probably had it

"WELCOME.... TOKIO HOTEL" the speakers sounded and the twins swagged onto the stage followed by me and Georg and Gustav last going to his kit

"GOOD EVENING TRIER" Bill called and the crowd erupted "how we all doing?" and the screams made us smile, it was such a familiar feeling but seeing everyone happy helped, Bill looked to me and gestured for me to come over so I brought myself to the front of stage passing Tom who winked to me getting a 'ooo' from the people in the room who saw, the black haired boy placed his arm around my head and the sea of people snapped pictures and screamed my name

"I think I know what the people want" I spoke with a smile, jokingly the boy 'leaned in' and screams of anticipation filled the building "no not that" I called as we pulled away and the boys behind got the cue to start playing schrei and I ran back to my place hearing the cheer only get louder as Bill began to sing- we loved destroying the imaginations of our fans, its thrilling there was always rumours, usually around me and that I am 'fucking them all' but it's defiantly not the case.

┍━━━━━━━━━━ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ━━━━━━━━━━┑

It was time, I saw the boys look towards me and with a breath I joined the lead singer up front, being a backing singer I wasn't needed much but I was showing something tonight "so you all see my gorgeous girl Y/n here?" Bill spoke pulling me to the front of the stage, hands spiked up everywhere scratching to touch just a thread of our clothing "she has some news!" with a toothy smile Bill past me his mic and backed away back to the group behind- I wasn't used to being centre stage but it was crazy, I could see everything (ish) smiles and tear stained faces

"so you all know we haven't had new music in a few months right?" they all shouted incoherent words "well- you seem like a crowd who'd wanna see some new material!?" I looked back to the boys who were all dopily smiling at me as the people infront blew up in shouts "okay okay so, I wrote this song when I was at not an amazing time in my life.. I felt like giving up but instead, with the help of these, I wrote my feeling into a song, usually this would be preformed by our lovely Bill but.. just got tonight, I'll be singing" I hyped and the band got into places to start playing don't jump

I began singing the words and walking around the tip of the stage holding the hands of as many as I could 'On top of the roof The air is so cold and so calm I say your name in silence' until my eyes landed on him- the words seemed to be pulled from my mouth, everything went silent and he knew what he'd done to me... the song was partially made because of what he did before we broke up, my mind switched as I herd the strum of Tom's guitar- remembering his words 'and tonight we'll play the best we ever have just to show him, and I swear to fuck he tries anything on you, he'll be dead' with a breath I carried on stomping my way back up stage to the rest of the band Bill was off the other side by Georg and I went to my place by Tom, a smile smothered his face as I stood facing him 'hi' he mouthed, I let my free hand reach for his face and held his jaw getting a roar from the fans, Tom placed a kiss to my palm and I soon let go trying to hide a very big blush from swamping my face and our next move came to play- we both turned back to back as his strummed his guitar, I leant against him spilling my lyrics until the beat jumped again 'I scream into the night for you Don't make it true Don't jump The lights will not guide you through They're deceiving you Don't jump' I walked back to mid stage being followed by Georg first who smiled at me and banged his head, then by Tom who only smirked sending me a wink. I got to the edge of the stage and hands reached to me and I tried to hold them all 'And if all that can't hold you back I'll jump for you' the song ended and the building blew up, cheers, screams, claps it was a rush, I blew kisses to them all, my mind forgot about what I was thinking before. Bill and Gustav joined us at the front and we all did a joint bow getting a laugh from us all, the others let go but Toms arm still stayed around my shoulder pulling me close

"see told you they'd love it" he whispered I smiled looking to him, he was sweaty and panting slightly as when he concentrates to much he forgets to breath, his arm pulled me even closer and he planted a kiss to my forehead before the lights turned off- our queue to get off stage the 5 of us were ushered off and as I stepped over to be in the backstage area someones arms scooped me into a hug though I couldn't see because the whole place was pitch black "Ugh you did so well" it was Tom's voice, calming me instantly "they loved the song!" he spoke settling me down but still had me close "told you they would" I looked back to the sweaty guitar player and he pulled my head to his as he pressed a kiss to my forehead again

"get room!" Gustav poked erring a laugh from he rest "nobody wants to see a softy Kaulitz!"

"eh what do ya mean- he aint soft" Tom quipped eyeing his friend up

"gross" Gustav laughed walking his way back to our room, me and the other boy followed and walked in to see Bill lay on the sofa with his makeup nearly rolling down his face due to being so hot

"Y/n I can't get over the audience" the black haired man spoke "god... that was one of my fave ever shows"

"I can't get over it" i went to my bag and pulled my cigarettes out and the boys all seemed to perk up again "coming?" I joked seeing them all get up as we went to the outside, it was dark with only the security lights illuminating the floor, I handed them all a ciggy and pulled my lighter out and burning the end "I saw Brian, he was just kinda stood there" they hummed "I'm over it- he can fuck who ever he fucking wants because none will ever be as good as me" I groaned feeling the hot smoke going out my mouth

"I saw him and he just looked sad, he misses you, I can tell" Bill spoke getting a shove from Gustav "what? I doesn't matter. All I was saying is that he looked sad probably because Y/n/n was happy unlike when he last saw her" I laughed, we stood in a silence finishing our cigs, stepping them out and walked into a runner calling all our names

"BILL!...GEORG!?" he looked out off breath "Finally- we need you all, meet n' greet" we all had the realisation and practically sprinted to our room and began to spray any aftershave or perfume we could find as after running round and singing you sweat, meaning we don't smell the best, me and Bill fixed our eyes and hair and then we all walked out like we hadn't just shit ourselves and made our way to the front of the building to see a line of (mostly) fan girls crying out

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"thank you so much I loved the show and the new song! holy shit it was amazing" a girl named Bethany spoke hugging us all one last time, we were told not many more people so we fixed ourselves up and waiting for the next person

"I love the flowers" I spoke looking at the roses a girl called Alicia brought me "is their anyone else-" as I spoke the door opened with Erik (our runner) holding it for the next fan, we all looked up and saw a brunette boy.... blue eyes "what the fuck do you think you're doing?... seriously!" Brians eyes were red and face tear stained, I felt myself tense up at the sight, all the boys stood scarily still

"I want to talk to you babe" his voice shook, those eyes staring into mine, its like he didn't realise he was in a room of people who really did not like him "please its me... baby please"

"don't call her baby" Tom grumbled " she doesn't have to do shit for you" I looked toward the boy, his hands in a ball already he moved quickly, towering over Brian

"Tom" Bill warned but no remorse went to his twin, we all watched as Tom stared down at Brian saying words to fast to even work out, Brain looked like he was about to break down nodding his head

"and I'm not fucking lying- you ever touch her, talk to her, anything... I wont fucking stop until you can't move and my hands are red- understand?" I looked toward the others, I wasn't scared for Brian but more worried that something would happen, Georg got the memo and walked to the guitarist placing a hand on his shoulder, I saw Tom relax and walk back to us leaving my ex standing with shock on his face, he looked back to me

"please" he pleaded 'shit' is all I thought as I saw Tom's face drop, his knuckles white he stormed back to Brian "...dude-" he squealed before the guitarist had him up the door slamming him back and forth, I watched as my ex's face became red trying to shove Tom back but him being a lot shorter- he had no chance, perfect "GET THE FUCK OFF ME DICK!" he shouted and Bill grabbed his brothers shoulder and pulled him off

"leave I-" the singer couldn't finish as a fist flew into his shoulder "WHAT THE FUCK" Bil'ls hand collided with Brians face sending him back quickly followed by Tom punching down at the boy, nobody touches the other twin without the other one getting involved. The fight continued until a scream cut the room, blood was on Toms arm and he stepped back, Gustav was keeping me back by our picture wall and Georg stood next to him and seized looking over

"damn-" Gustav hummed, I looked over to see Brian holding his nose and Tom proudly standing above

"this is your fucking fault Y/n... I should've dated you-" his words stung "this would have never bloody happened if I had just left you earlier!" my heart ached "fuck" he grumbled standing against the door, I looked to his eyes- black and blue. He took a step forward, stumbling slightly but he quickly found his feet again and came at me "YOU DID THIS!" I turned back waiting for my pain- a punch, a slap, a kick but I never felt it THUD I opened my eyes to see Georg on the floor slamming his fist into the boy again- he was really getting the works tonight

"BA-ST-ARD" he chanted before the door burst open to two runners with astonished faces who quickly grabbed their walkie-talkies and spoke some words I couldn't work out, within seconds security rammed in pulling Georg off of Brian who looked even worse and we were all taken back out "fucking dick what did he think he was doing!" and the five of us were pushed out the room

"arsehole" Tom stormed "hope he's in fucking pain for ages-"

"I can't believe he tried to punch me, ME!" Bill shook his head going through to our room I walked with Gustav giving him a 'look' to which he only nodded at "he's a dick" the boys all sat and I just stared into the mirror- those 5 minuets felt more like hours and I just didn't have any words

"this is your fucking fault Y/n... I should've dated you-"

"this would have never bloody happened if I had just left you earlier!"

"YOU DID THIS!"

those sentences flying around my head, I couldn't pull myself away from it, I just looked at myself, I just felt- wrong

"what the hell! why did I just have to see security drag a bloody nosed kid out that room!" Our stage manger burst in "you lot are a world famous band we don't need stunts like that being pulled! 16 people have had to miss a meet n greet because of it!" he shouted but I couldn't hear him really- I wasn't there "Y/n!" he shouted snapping me back

"I'm sorry" I spoke turning to face him

"it's not her fault" Gustav spoke "he was fucking deranged" I laughed slightly looking back at him with a smile

"I don't care! its not a funny matter, its disappointing" we all nodded as he walked out, I turned to the boys and looked to the twins, Tom had blood over him still and Bill just looked pissed off

"I think I'm going to go to the hotel..." I spoke grabbing my bag off the side and hanging it over my shoulder and pulling my skirt lower to feel more covered "bye-"

"wait-" someone spoke "I'll come lemme clean myself up first- five mins" it was Tom, I nodded and settled myself onto my make up chair watching him run to the bathroom

"we're not annoyed at you Y/n, its not your fault" Georg spoke coming over stroking my shoulder "he's a prick"

"I know- I just feel bad, you all basically got hurt because of him and the whole thing was so pathetic I doesn't even seem real like.."

"yeah I get it- its fine, just sleep it off alright" I agreed and watched through the mirror Tom come back in

"ready?"

[1000plants]

You Don't Know Pt 6

Steve Rogers x Reader (GN)

Summary: Steve Rogers and his pretentious “know it all” attitude is getting on your last nerves. Neither of you know what to do about it. 

Warnings- Swearing, negative self talk, NIGHTMARE (blood, guns, death. Kinda graphic but not really),  My shit writing <3

Word count- 4.5k

Author's Note- A longer chapter now that my internet is a little better!!!

Beta read by my favorite beta: @sandbubbler

Chapter 6/?

Series Masterlist

Main Masterlist

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Steve’s POV

“It’s obvious you have feelings for them, Steve. Even a blind person could see that,” Bucky told him with a shrug. Bucky flexed his hands a few times as he removed the wraps that were slowly tattering. They were both breathing hard, a few hours of stamina training will do that to ya. But Steve wasn’t interested in what Bucky was actually saying.

Steve ignored Bucky as he, once more, brushed the man off. The explanation of feeling like an older brother to a certain someone had, in many ways, calmed Steve down. There was still a lingering jolt in his body, though. One that he only could get rid of by absolutely wearing out his body through training.

“Yeah, I definitely do,” Steve mumbled in reply, still focused more on the punching bag than his friend. His face set in stone with a scowl. Grunting as he swung his fist harshly against the poor bag, the loud thud reverberated through the gym. His hand had grown numb, knuckles most definitely red with torn skin under the wraps that were protecting nothing by now.

Though, his admission wasn't what Bucky was looking for, and he damn well knew that. Bucky wasn’t expecting the Captain to so readily admit his feelings, but the purposeful side stepping was beginning to piss him off. Truly, Steve wasn't the kind of guy to deny his feelings, but admitting them was definitely not his strong suit. 

Bucky rolled his eyes, huffing as he grabbed the punching bag to stop Steve from continuing, “I don't mean it like that, dumbass.” 

Steve scoffed, jaw clenched as he relented slightly. With his head cocked to the side and hands on his hips, Steve met Bucky's eyes, “Then I don’t know what you mean,” Steve defiantly said.

Bucky ran his tongue over his lower lip, resisting the urge to actually smack some sense into Steve.

“Like hell you don't," Bucky sighed. Steve avoided looking at Bucky once more, fiddling with the tattered edge of the wraps on his hands. Before he could lose himself in the act of unwrapping them, Bucky grabbed his hands and started undoing them himself. 

Steve now physically couldn't escape this. And he highly doubted Bucky would let him skirt around the topic for much longer. 

“Why can't you just admit you like them?” Bucky tuts, shaking his head as he (not so gently) removes the bandages, “It would save all of us a lot of headache.”

The second part was definitely true, it would save Steve a headache as well. Ever since he had told Tony, it was Natasha who had quickly figured out the truth. Not that it would take a genius to piece it all together. 

💗❓

“The jealousy, your strictness on them during missions. Jesus, I should’ve realized it sooner,” Natasha said in passing. It was just loud enough to make Steve freeze, and for Bucky to pry into what Nat had whispered.

Steve’s “deer in the headlights” look was more than enough to confirm it for Bucky. And, while the Winter Soldier was glad the rumors weren't about him anymore, he felt bad for Steve.

… Until Steve denied denied denied. 

Then Bucky just started getting frustrated.

💗❓

“You don't have to tell them, but verbalizing it a little bit would probably really help,” Bucky offered. Steve narrowed his eyes at how Bucky was suddenly speaking more evenly, a bit softer too. Coaxing him into a false sense of security to bait him into admission wouldn't work on him.

“Verbalizing a lie wont do shit,” Steve retorted, pulling his hands from Bucky's grasp and flexing his hands. The skin that was lightly bloody and raw ached, but give them a few days and they'd be brand new.

The gentle parenting tactic wasn't going to work. So, Bucky quickly switched up his tactics. Bucky suddenly grabbed the front of Steve's shirt, not incredibly tightly, but enough to throw Steve off a bit, “You don't clam up, stammer, and turn every shade of red when someone accuses you of a lie, Steve,” Bucky lowly said.

The way Bucky had grabbed the collar of his shirt made it so that Steve had no choice but to look Bucky dead in the eyes. The seriousness that Bucky spoke with wasn't what he had been expecting. He swallowed weakly, losing much of the angry gusto he had been releasing onto the bag. 

Steve was now just left with an aching hollowness in his chest. The same feeling he convinced himself was exhaustion from his workouts all week. The same feeling that only proved Bucky's point.

“Let go of me,” Steve grits, clenching his jaw slightly as he sets his face back into a scowl. He pushed Bucky's hand off of him, surprised at how easily Bucky released him.

“Whatever it is that I do or don't feel,” Steve turned his head from Bucky, taking a step back. He’d give Bucky this one singular win, “I won't do anything about it.”

It was bad form to get with another teammate. That was the same argument Steve initially had when he thought Bucky was sleeping with them. And, if Steve wasn't going to act on his thoughts, then there was absolutely no point in verbalizing them. Might as well cut down a tree if he wanted to waste air.

Steve had turned away from Bucky. The windows that weren't shaded had let in a stream of yellow goldnet light. It was just mid afternoon as the light pooled onto his bag, making the dark blue fabric seem richer in color. Not golden hour, Steve had learned, but just as nice…

It made him feel sick.

“The two of you bicker like a damned married couple,” Bucky called out to him, unhooking the punching bag from the ceiling. It fell to the ground with a deep and short-lived thud. 

Steve just waved him off, grabbing the straps of his bag and pulling it away from the streams of light. He had humored Bucky enough, truly, he wished everyone would just forget it. 

The only noise made by Bucky was the disinfectant cleaning the bag, the metal hook reattaching it off to the side with the others, and Bucky's footsteps that were going to the changing/shower room.

The gym was void of voices as the two of them cleaned up. The only sound coming from Steve was his bag zipping open, the rustling of a small towel, and the bag then being slung over his shoulder. 

Steve reserved himself to just leaving the gym. He’d shower in his own room, hide away with his drawing pad for a while perhaps. He needed a little time to think, and everyone else had done more than enough thinking for him these past few days.

Bickering like a married couple.

Yeah, sure, Steve internally scoffed, it was nothing like that.

"But you guys don't get to do any of the fun stuff,” 

Steve had just made it to the gym doors, pushing them open once he heard Bucky's voice following him.

His tone was more teasing this time. A good sign that there wasn't any real malice between them… But it made Steve stiffen nonetheless.

He hoped desperately Bucky hadn't seen him freeze, but he knew better than to think that. Steve quickly corrected himself and let himself out of the gym into the main hallways, the metal catch of the heavy doors was a welcomed sound.

What wasn't welcomed was seeing them.

💗❓Your POV

You had just wrapped up a video meeting with Phil Coulson, discussing the possibility of training some of the more promising SHIELD agents in a makeshift bootcamp for a few months. It sounded like a neat idea, you knew there were plenty of agents who got looked over, honing their skills with the Avengers would just perfectly help-

Why is he there?

No, that was the wrong question. Why is he just standing there?

Steve looked pale. Probably from the workout he had clearly just finished, but that didn't exactly explain the “I just saw a ghost” expression.

All those good feelings you had from the meeting with Coulson seemed to evaporate instantly, but you wouldn't let them leave so easily.

Steve may be a dickwad, but you weren't going to let him ruin another one of your days. This week had already been shitty, and the Blond hair blue-eyed guy giving you puppy dog eyes wasn't going to make it better

So, with your head held high and your gaze focused down the hallway, you quickly brush past Steve. Not caring where exactly you went, as long as it was away from him and you were away from him in the quickest amount of time possible.

You hated the way your throat grew dry and your mind went blank as you passed by him. The smell of his sweat was giving you a headache. You didn't want to give him a moment of your time, Dr. Raynor be damned, sparing him a glance even seemed like too much of a reprieve to give him.

Even still, sworn silence couldn't have stopped the words from leaving your mouth.

“You need to take a fucking shower,” You snipped at him, not tearing your eyes from the drab grey carpet that lined the floors. 

If you had allowed yourself to look at him, you would've seen how he looked equally hurt and annoyed. The exact expression you had been wearing all week. Not that it mattered, he didn't even say anything back to you.

You weren't sure whether it stung or not.

-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-

Grateful Tony had given each room an ensuite, you dubbed tonight was a “you” day. You shut the door of your bathroom behind you, leaning back against the solid wood door as you take in the look of your bathroom.

It was more long than deep, what you had always considered an abnormally long bathroom was now your temporary spa sanctuary. Double sinks that  held a blue cup with your toothbrush in between them, the hair products you had slowly accumulated over the years, and the Very Berry Foaming Handsoap™ that Natasha got you when she went out to Bath and Bodyworks last week. 

It was cluttered, but you had made it your own. It had a vague nautical vibe going on, the porcelain tub/shower combo had a light blue and grey shower curtain pushed to the side. The wall decor were some small framed prints of anchors, ships, and compasses. You really hadn't changed it since you moved it, it was your room itself you had made your own. This bathroom was something you used twice a day for an hour at most… Why really change it up?

But looking at it now, the blues and greys seemed more like a haven than ever before. In here it was only you, no Steves or Buckys or Raynors or otherwise. It was just you.

When was the last time I had a bath?  You wondered to yourself as you took a step further into the room, Eh, might as well lean into the whole spa day thing…

You knelt on the plush bathmat that was in front of the sinks, opening up the cabinets that hid the plumbing. You crinkled your nose as the smell of cleaning supplies, soap, and stale wood wafted towards you. 

Bubble bath, bath bombs, oils, and salts… You sifted through the care items stuffed next to extra towels. You wondered when the last time you had used any of this. Some of it was a gift from your mom once you came back from your first SHIELD mission. A gift basket with a white bow on top, to relax and destress. She wanted to make sure you were taking care of yourself… were you?

Really, though, the last thing you wanted to do was think about all the ways you actually needed  to fix yourself up. So, that meant pushing out every thought from your brain. Mindless relaxation, maybe a nap, was what you needed now more than ever.

You just grabbed a few things from under the sink, a floral bubble bath, Sunshine Joy bathbomb, and a random eucalyptus oil. Sure, that’d work. You set it all on the counter, standing up and nudging the cabinet shut with your knee. 

You made quick work of the bath: warming the water, filling it up, dimming the lights, and adding in all the crap you had. The room was thickly filled with the smells of a hundred flowers and citrus scents. Oddly, the gentle headache that was making the blood in your head echo was welcomed. The dull pain that was just behind your eyes made your brows furrow as you stood in the middle of the bathroom.

Pressing your hands against the counter, the cold tile of the marble brought you back to the moment. You opened your eyes and looked at yourself in the mirror, did you always have bags under your eyes like this? Were they always that dark? You leaned forward a little more, almost glaring at the face that stared back at you. The nearly bloodshot eyes, small scars from old missions, acne that came back long after puberty ended… 

You wanted to ask yourself when things got like this… When did you stop being that shiny new recruit? The one who was so excited to save the world all the time? The one who would take each punch and cut with vigor and respond with an attack that was just as brutal.

Oh, right, when you became an actual Avenger. When Steve decided he couldn’t handle his emotions like a fucking adult. When missions became not just risking your life but also risking a lecture from the Captain.

When did words - or lack of - hurt more than the broken bones?

It was with that question bouncing around your skull that you stripped your clothes off and climbed into the tub. The water was warm, nearly hot, as you sunk your aching body into it. The bubbles splashed up slightly against the edge of the tub. With a heavy sigh you let your muscles relax. 

The scents had gone blind to your nose, just a vague bright scent penetrated the air. The warmth of the water, dimmed lights, and slow relaxation of your back, all sent your mind into a tizzy. Waxing in and out of consciousness as sleep tugged at your eyelids. The water wasn't cooled in the slightest, but you awoke a bit more suddenly as a growl ripped through your stomach.

“Are you fuckin’ kidding…” you mumbled, sitting up and reaching for your phone. The water sloshed over the edge slightly as you sat up faster than you should have. 

5:21 pm, dinner. And you had skipped lunch thanks to the meeting with Phil, so your body was not happy right now. 

Since you were already pampering yourself tonight, you let your heart choose your dinner. And Chinese food just seemed to sing. If angels and cherubs could have come down from the sky as you ordered way too much food, you wouldn't have questioned it. 

You placed the order and turned on some music as you sank back into your comfortable rest. Images of Steve assaulted the back of your eyelids, forcing you to vehemently rip them open. Your left hand ached as you gripped the porcelain tub. Scowling, you release the tub and plunge your hand into the warm water, allowing the water to splash up on the walls of the bath. 

It was clear that you couldn't relax with a clear mind. Something - someone - was going to continue to pop up in your mind's eye. You heavily sigh, the sound of your music was mindless noise as you tried to focus on it instead of literally anything else. But the lyrics all blurred together, your favorite songs were just jumbled nonsense that was slowly taking shape in the form of a certain American patriot.

He just couldn't leave you alone. He could avoid you when it comes to apologies, but not when you’re trying to not think of him?

Clearly, a bath wasn't going to silence the voices in your head, but maybe this night could still be salvaged. 

You dried off and wrapped the towel around your body. The air in your bedroom was much colder than the bathroom. The heat from your makeshift sauna had caused the mirror to partially fog up.

-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-

Digging through your drawers, you pulled out a white tank top and some shorts. They were comfortable, and probably the only clothes you had that weren't 1. Dirty or 2. Going to make you sweat buckets. Which, the latter was definitely needed since you weren't entirely sure how well that bath had actually cleaned you off.

Your phone jingled with a melodic alert. An excited smile pulled on your lips as your stomach growled once more. Checking the alert, and you were correct, your feast had arrived. 

You didn't necessarily have to sneak around the halls of the tower to claim your reward, but the idea of interacting with just about anyone was nearly enough to cause you to abandon your food all together. 

The tile of the floors caused your whole body to chill. The tower was oddly quiet, being a Friday night you expected some kind of commotion. Especially from Tony, Clint, or Sam. But no, it was as if you were the only soul that dared to roam about. To anyone else, they'd take this in stride and probably just make a beeline to the Chinese food that was waiting neatly by the elevator, but you weren't anyone. 

Whether it be the chill of the room or your years of training, you were glad to have already been treading lightly. There was an air of hushed whispers as you peaked your head around a corner. There was a light thrumming in your chest that felt like an ill omen. Not that your heart was necessarily beating faster or harder, but it was more obvious, more distinctive.

As you lightly padded the last few steps to the elevator, you still couldn't shake the feeling. The plastic take out bag was warm with the promise of food, and in an instant your brain shoved every worry to the furthest regions and re-centered its focus on the crab rangoons that were waiting for you.

-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-

Maybe it was because you had started working yourself into a food coma, or maybe it was the fact that the weather outside was drastically cooling off for the impending holidays, or maybe it was because Netflix decided to release its holiday movie lineups… But Single All The Way was NOT a bad watch.

It was a good enough rom-com that it provided the escape you had been looking for all night. Formulaic plot with just enough newness so that you could be pleasantly surprised and keep your brain mostly turned off. 

Eating your beef lo mein cross-legged on your bed while you fiddle with the volume a hundred times over as to not disturb anyone who may hear, remind you of your early days at the SHIELD boot-camps. Silently trying to leave your mom and dad a sweet voice message before a mission while your roommate was fast asleep, having a night off and going out to a club with some of the recruits you had befriended, sneaking food from the dining halls and having a “feast” on the floor of your room with a few buddies.

But no, it wasn't quite like that. You were older now, an Avenger now… and watching sappy hallmark movies with the subtitles on and the volume at 14 (it used to be at 15 but Bucky had heard it once a few months ago and harped on your movie choices).

You had been lost in thought for just enough time for your hands to make decisions on their own. How does a classic love story about roommates to lovers lead you to watching Silence of the Lambs? Amazing question you couldn't even answer yourself.

Your food was growing cold as you watched. 

All the relaxation you had accumulated over the past few  hours had withered away slowly. You didn't even realize you had forgotten your fork and meal and instead just stiffly watched the movie. Knees aching as you sat cross legged, the base of your neck pricked with discomfort from the angle you had it tilted.

Watching Clarice fight tooth and nail to get Lector to help solve the murders, only to be undermined again and again by Chilton. A good movie, great movie even. Critically acclaimed and adored by filmheads.

Death, murder, psychopaths, sounds that haunt you…

Credits roll, and it brings back that thrumming in your bones. It was the movie, you rationalized as the credits rolled, A psych thriller is supposed to make you feel this way.

Steve had long left your memory, but what took his place was arguably worse.

The loud exhale that fell from your lips sounded like another person. There was a tingling in your hands and feet that made you flex them over and over to rid yourself of it. Like waking from a trance, your body suddenly seemed keen on moving again, this time looking for another hallmark movie.

Like that will get rid of the sounds…

You blinked a few times as you numbly selected the movie Anyone But You, it looked simple enough. Innocent and sappy. Perfect.

As the title sequence began, you felt the anxiety ping-ponging in your skull. This just won't do, you told yourself. 

You stood up from your bed, taking care to set your food on the bedside table. You scoffed at yourself as you did the breathing exercises Dr. Raynor made you practice. It hurt your lungs, the air felt hot and dry as you breathed in for 4, held for 4, out for 4, held for 4, and repeated. You didn't let yourself close your eyes, but instead focused on the movie that played, coffee shop, bathroom, marriage, blah blah blah.

Luckily, it seemed to be enough of a grounding moment for you to suck in a breath that didn't hurt. And, you could more easily shove unwanted thoughts to the side. Plane, shot, bells, rip--

Water. You got yourself a glass of water from your bathroom. 

Once you made your way back to your bed, you gobbled down the remainder of your food. It wasn't pleasant since it had dried slightly and was cold, but it was a welcomed weight in your stomach.

Chewing the last bite of food, you realized you had sat the dishes on your stupid journal. The dream journal that you were supposed to write in every night.

You never did.

Well, you sometimes did. For the bad nightmares, it hardly helped. But a few good dreams? Those were nice to remember. You picked up the nondescript leather bound journal, the pages were off white with thick blue lines. The paper was light as you flipped though it, scribbles of your handwriting in various ink colors were a blur to your eyes. 

You stopped when that familiar butter yellow paper caught your eye,

Seeing that alone made you slam the book shut. Even still, the edge peaked out of the top, used now only as a book mark of your latest blank page instead of actual psychiatric advice.

You huffed and tossed the journal onto the table with a clatter. It could go burn for all you cared, it was only full of the same dream a hundred times, sometimes broken up with more normal nice dreams.

As you shuffle under your blankets, the movie playing something about a destination wedding, you let your relax into the mattress. Like the bath earlier, your body struggled to relax, but with enough coaxing, you fell into rest.

💗❓

Screaming, shouting, blood. Lots of blood. The ringing in your ears as another bullet rips through the air. The distant sound of a bomb screaming as it dove to the ground.

“Was this how every mission would go?” You asked yourself again and again as you watched your field partner choke on air as she succumbed to her bullet wounds.

You should’ve been able to help. There was so much you could have done. Why didn’t you do more? You idiot, you're reckless, you got a woman killed tonight.

The base was supposed to be empty, in and out mission, tiny team of people. 

Something buzzed in your comms, back to the plane. Numbness overtook you as you dropped her body to the ground, there was nothing you could do for her. Shot in the lungs, stomach,  neck… the longer you looked the more wounds that seemed to appear. Tearing your eyes away you run.

Legs heavy, breathing was impossible, since when was running on dry dirt like sprinting though molasses? 

You don't remember getting on the plane, only it lifting off with you and one other man on it. Twelve of you had arrived, two were leaving.

No, one.

You didn't see who did it or how, but a well aimed bullet cleanly took the man out. He crumpled so simply, you wouldn't have known he got shot if not for the noise. And the blood. So much blood.

It stained your hands.

YOUR hands.

💗❓

It was nearly 2 in the morning when you awoke from your light sleep, a scream ripping out of your throat as you shot up in bed.

Sweat coated your flushed skin, body shaking as your heart raced in your chest. You couldn't focus on anything, tears that bubbled up clouded your vision.

You bit back a sob as you blindly searched for your lamp, grabbing the journal and working on just following your routine. Write it down. Write write write and maybe one day you'll have written it out of your brain. Your nightmares were always the same. Running running running. The mission that failed, that got you sent to Raynor, that ended up making you a whispered cryptid in the halls of SHIELD. All that you could see were the people who died. Because of you, for you. Deaths you never asked for, deaths you never wanted.

And maybe it was the paper, maybe it was the inability to write, maybe it was the desire to be anywhere but your bed… 

You didn't even register your body getting out of bed, feet carrying you robotically out the door and down the hall to Bucky's room.

You didn't care what Raynor said, it didn't matter you had been avoiding him, you needed him and you--

“Nightmare?”

You swiveled, eyes wide as Steve stood in his doorway and peered towards you.

Fuck.

[jackalopescruff]

have you made a post or anything talking about being a therian and like, how you came to realize it and stuff? im questioning myself and was hoping maybe, as a longtime follower of yours, your experience (any amount of it really) could help me out. no need to push urself to explain or anything of course!! i appreciate you being open about it in general ❤️

I never made a generalized post about it really since I'm very much a private introspective person (usually bounce things off my wife and my closest friends) and of course sought out input from Therian pals to help unpack my feelings but! with the disclosure that I'm still relatively new to this whole thing, and am by no means an expert I can offer a little insight to some of the stuff but I'll be brief. (Other Therian folks who are following me feel free to reblog and add your own insight for anon I wont mind at all!)

My realization definitely stemmed a lot in part I believe from not only my own journey and struggle with my Trans identity which had its own ups and downs, how even after feeling comfortable in a certain gender expression and identity there was still some itching piece that was not falling into place. Because while I felt very happy with being a "woman of my own making" (pat on my back because that was my rawest line from my own gender journey while i was working my ass off in a warehouse talking to my wife on the sly on my earbuds) I knew something else was there nagging at me beyond being a Non Binary Trans Woman.

With having Autism there is already that feeling of out of place that you get with being separate from society and its standards as a whole and at first a lot of my feelings on non-humanism I chalked up to the dehumanizing that autistic folks face as part of society expecting us to mold to the standards they practice and demand so it went left unexplored for some time because I just figured "yeah I'm autistic of course I feel out of place in 'normal' society" (again the language here not implying its wrong to be me or autistic obviously) But once around friends and people I trusted who didn't other me for my transness or my autism that itch still persisted.

My being a furry helped me explore more animal mannerisms and behaviors just out of the fact that its furry community we get sillay. But the more I acted on certain things (barking, meowing, various other noises) as well as more referential to myself not as a human but as a Dragon, Bear, Dog etc just a change of language as part of the fun I started noticing those same warm feelings as I did when I started new pronouns or names, the social feelings of being referred to with things that otherwise I wouldn't normally experience. My fascination with nature, my love of the outdoors beyond just the joy of fresh air the actual genuine peace that I'd feel in the woods away from society as a large, listening to all the other animals in the trees feeling the sun and wind on my face how it deeply went into me in some spot inside me that I never really knew was there at least never knew how to acknowledge how it felt like each breath filled my body with this new life I hadn't known.

My wife knew she was Therian first, and through her I explored myself and began to realize that I probably was too. With insight from other pals who also were Therian and just a general fact that I am not afraid to just sit down and look myself in the mirror in a sense and unpack shit when I need to I really just had this sudden explosion of "oh wow this is what it was, this is that itchy piece" I am beyond happy with where the journey has already taken me and I do not feel shame to be that which I am. My wife, my friends, plenty of people around me encouraged, nurtured, and embraced who I was.

So now yeah, my wife and I spend a lot of time speaking with body language and make little barks and reh's and howls and noises at each other instead of words because its freeing to be able to talk with your body and eyes and be understood, especially with autism, being able to be non verbal but still communicate brought such peace and joy. Being able to escape life in society and build a bedroom den and hang vines up in our bathroom and build our own burrow with moss and leaves and just curl up and feel cozy and safe is so comforting and warm.

I know its not a thing everyone gets, and I know its a stigma because "you are bound by your flesh" but much like being trans the flesh is only a small part of what makes us, Us and our soul is much brighter and deeper than anything that our exterior can show. So I may be constrained by limited avenues of external physical expression but that shouldn't stop me from letting my soul soar and be as bright and passionate as it can be.

[mythicaldemigoddess-of-deltarune]

Sari Sumdac's Age Chart & Sumdac/Vakarian/Shepard (2024)

----------

Credit for Helluva Boss goes to to Vivienne "Vivziepop" Medrano & SpindleHorse

Credit for Transformers goes to Hasbro & TakaraTomy

Credit Transformers Animated Series goes to Sam Register & Matt Youngberg

Credit for Mass Effect goes to Bioware

-----------------

[Note: Don't Reblog This Without My Permission, As This Drawing Will Only Be Used For Here & Over At The Place Where I Will Be Using It As a Cover For One Of The Future Chapters Of "The Angel In Disguise"...I do have both the names I go by on this drawing even if "Mythicaldemigoddess-of-deltarune" was what I changed to because of certain reasons that I wont go into right now...and well once again this drawing will be used as a Cover for a future chapter for that story which if I decide to, I might post some chapters of it on here, you know like a Cross-Post...oh and in case the drawing is too small to see properly, please make sure to click on the drawing to make it bigger so it can be viewed a bit more better.]

I do plan to use this as a Cover for a Future Chapter for Falling For The Angel In Disguise…and yeah, some can guess what will be happening to Sari when she turns 24 years old in the story.

(I might of pointed this out before, but I will say it again...

"Falling For The Angel In Disguise" is for Mature Audience Readers Only, which means there be 18+ moments in certain chapters, even though some parts are still technically not fully detailed, even the whole Semi-Ship going on with Swindle x Adult-Sari...and originally Sari wasn't plan to be the main heroine of the story, but ideas change and the original heroine has a different part to play in that story now.)

also I have a new idea on who could truly be Sari's Human Bio-Parents, and well the whole idea can be added in a future Chapter, where the "Good" Doctor Scalpel will look over Sari's DNA and CNA again, and while it does show that she still Megatron's daughter through her CNA side…on her DNA side, it will show that Marissa Faireborn isn't the Mother after all, and it turns out that Sari's Human Mother is Jane Shepard (which is only in a Crossover-Fanon Timeline.)

and Scalpel also finds out about Isaac Sumdac's Other Brother who is his younger twin brother who's name is Ivaan Sumdac who turns out to be Sari's True Human Bio-Father, as he is a 100% match…

so yeah, I tried to make Ivaan as the "Hot Twin", ya know like Stanford "Ford" Pines from Gravity Falls by Alex Hirsch.

and the reason why Ivaan is going to be Sari's Bio-Dad in that Crossover Story, is because he wasn't wearing gloves.

so in a Fanon Timeline, Isaac isn't a only child and might have more than just two siblings, but only one of his siblings is Isaac's twin brother.

it might make sense that Ratchet was made to be Sari's Godfather by either Isaac Sumdac or Ivaan Sumdac, because both Uncle/"Adoptive Father" & Father would know that Sari has a much longer lifespan than them and will likely have the lifespan as other Cybertronians, even if she is half-human.

so knowing they might not live as long to be in her life forever and it being possible they might go before she becomes a young woman, they could have Ratchet be her Godfather…

even though in "Falling For The Angel In Disguise", Sari is a woman now...well womech when you count her being half-cybertronian.

so if anything were to happen to Isaac or Ivaan when Sari was still very young and before she becomes adult…

Ratchet will get Sari, but if anything were to happen to him, then Sari could end up going to one of her Moms, either Jane Shepard or Megatron. XD

also the reason why Sari at Ages 14 to 15 years old is not smiling in this drawing, it's because of her Autobot Friends.

and yeah in "Falling For The Angel Disguise" Sari is given another chance to be a kid again in a Flashback, where she loses only half of her upgrade, so being back to being 8 years old in the type of Flashback…

Sari's robot form is suppose to be much smaller and femling size in the flashback, so since she loses half of her upgrade some where in the past in the story, that meant she got to grow up a bit more and not skip through most of it.

at the moment Sari is 23 years old, but I will have her become 24 years old later on in the story.

the plan is that Sari will still use a type of Imp-Succubus Hybrid Disguise, from when she is still alive as a Half-Human & Half-Cybertronian, to when she becomes a type of Cybertronian-Angel.

Sari doesn't just have a Cybertronian Spark, the idea is that she has a hybrid spark that is half of Earth and half of Cybertron.

her angel wings are energy based, and yeah I'm still going to have Sari's blood type be O RH D Negative. (same as my blood type…) which would also mean that Sari is a Princess, which her being Megatron's Daughter, that would make her the Princess of The Decepticon Empire.

Scalpel could have Team Chaar (that is Strika, Blackout, Cyclonus, Oil-Slick and Spittor) as Sari's "Royal Bodyguards"…. and I want to say, that since Sari wasn't legally adopted by Isaac Sumdac, that means any human or cybertronian can legally adopt her as their daughter.

Porter C. Powell might be a power hungry jerk who tried to take over Sumdac's Company…who I wouldn't be surprised if his Sinner form ends up being a Anthropomorphic Pig with how Greedy he can be.

but Powell might have a good point, Isaac didn't make sure to give Sari some form of proper papers to show she in fact exist, even if he does a bit better than Greg Universe even if both of them are Gray-Parents…

it doesn't excuse him from not making sure she was taking to a Hospital after she was born in his secret lab, that Megatron was in. even if Isaac Sumdac and Greg Universe are still good dads in their own way, but that doesn't mean they are 100% good dads, like they both can be in between being good and bad dads…

which is why they would fall under the Gray-Parenting rank…and even if Isaac knows Sari is half-Cybertronian, he would still view her as still being human and wouldn't say "Sari, your Cybertronian.

your not like other kids!" even when Steven Universe does return, and I hope it does if some info is true…

I hope Greg doesn't just throw the whole "Steven, Your a Gem, your not like other kids." card….I mean yes Steven is Half-Gem, but he is also Half-Human.

I still love Steven Universe Future, and I think Steven had the right to be upset with Greg in one of the episodes, and yeah Greg's parents might had some problems, but there could be more to it than meets the eye…and both Greg and Steven's Grandparents, could both be in the wrong, like Steven's Grandparents not explaining to Greg why they couldn't give him everything he wanted or how they always made him meatloaf…

which maybe having meatloaf once in a while might be okay, but if ya want to spice things up, put some mustard on it and eat it with some other food, like fries.

plus it could still be possible one of or both of Greg's parents had problems with very loud sounds that would hurt them, and Greg could have had a habit with turning the volume of his music up way too loud.

even if one can like to listen to their favorite music really loud, if you have someone either a friend or family who gets hurt by the very loud sound and is in the same room as you, it is best to turn the volume down for their sake.

if I had to guess, it could be Greg's Mom who would get hurt by Greg turning his music too loud, and it would have to be Greg's Dad to tell him or at least try to, to stop it but Greg ends up ignore him and what he tries to tell him. even if Greg might seem like the perfect Dad, but he isn't, I mean he can be perfect in other ways as a Dad, but at the same time he isn't 100% a perfect Dad, maybe around a 95% but not any higher than that…

Greg along with Sumdac, would be Gray-Parents, even if Isaac did some stuff right when being Sari's Father, he might make some mistakes along the way.

like if your a Mom, and you leave your baby who can still walk, end up being watched by your own Mother who is the baby's Grandmother, and the baby ends up getting hurt under the said Grandmother's watch…

and well, I think I had worse than that time when my Grandmother was watching me, but I ended up hurting my hand...

one of the other times I got hurt when I was a baby, was when me and my big brother were playing alone, and I ended up having to go to the hospital cause I got a bad cut close to some corner of my right eye....not sure if I brought that up on here either, but one of the fanfics I'm reading reminds me of it...I love the story, and even if there are still some differences that reminds me of my life, I think I can relate to one of the characters from it a little bit because they remind me of some parts of my life even if the parts of their life is still very VERY super different from my own....and well, maybe I will go into more detail in another post.

I still think if I was born a twin, chances would be I would be the younger twin who would be more like Stocking Anarchy, and my older twin sister would be like Panty Anarchy...

plus we would both be Defective Earth Angels, who don't exactly work 100% like other Earth Angels and know there is something seriously messed up with the Patriarchy because of that whole Toxic-Masculine thing...

Toxic-Feminine is still a problem too, but it isn't as dangerous or as high as the Toxic-Masculine that has been around for like many centuries...

I think I want to have Sari be a type of Gaea Follower instead of being a full on follower of Primus.

you know, some Female Transformer who is suppose to be in the Earth, plus if Gaea was part of both TFA and Earthspark, she would be Omni-Mom to both Sari, Dinobots, Wreck-Gar, Soundwave (who I'm still going to view as a separate one from the Cybertron-Born Soundwave who will be known as Soundwave Sr. and by his other name Soundblaster.), Constructicons and Sumdac's Robots.

Gaea could be known as Mom-2 to The Terrans: Twitch, Thrash, Jawbreaker, Nightshade and Hashtag.

I mean, when you think about it, Primus is kind of a terrible Omni-Dad in the TFA Timeline...it's not like he tries to stop the Autobots from misusing the living metal in Cybertron, or stop them from taking over still inhabited organic worlds that they end up Cyber-forming for Cybertronian life...and the Autobots have more planets than the Decepticons, if that doesn't tell you something is up...

another reason why Primus wasn't in the Transformers Animated Show, because a certain someone who was working on the show with the others, didn't like him...but no matter if ya like him or not, and no matter if he is kind of a terrible dad, he is still a important character in the Transformers Multiverse.

if Adult-Sari was helping her Autobot Friends Fight Megatron and his Decepticons all while a type of Ethereal Smaller Avatars of Primus, Gaea and Unicron are watching...

Sari who already knows that the Autobots who are much higher rank and run Cybertron and who don't tell the Autobots of lower-rank about them Cyber-forming organic worlds that already have organic life on them (and that is why the whole Optimus, Sentinel and Elita-1 were not allowed on organic worlds, because they would of found out the truth...) and the fact that the Autobots have more planets than the Decepticons because the Autobots make sure to push them back and keep them in The Decepticon's Territory...

Sari could figure out that both sides are in the Gray, and the Decepticons could be better if they tried a different path to try to stop the corruption on Cybetron, which I believe is thanks to Megazarak who disguised himself as Ultra Magnus...

one of the other problems Sari could see, can have to do with Primus.

and Sari could stop fighting whichever Decepticon she was fighting and walk over to where Primus, Unicron and Gaea are.

then Sari could point to Primus while yelling out

"Your a Terrible Dad, Primus!!!"

Primus could be shocked, Unicron could snort from trying to hold back his laugh, and Gaea could be all like "That's My Girl!" as she is so proud of Sari for speaking up like that.

plus if you think about it, in theory Sari could be technically a Demi-Goddess, and the reason why Megatron was possibly able to have Sari in that secret lab was probably The Cybertronian Goddess Gaea's doing...even though Megatron may have been in a stasis coma at the time and there was a 50 Stellar Cycles limit on how long Megatron could be separate from his body...you know like Zim and the rest of the Irkens and their Pak, of course their time limit isn't as long as Cybertronians...

plus in a Crossover Fanon Timeline with Transformers, Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss...

since Isaac Sumdac (and Ivaan Sumdac before he goes missing.) was using Megatron and reverse engineer his technology by taking some of the parts from Megatron's head, all while Megatron was still in his stasis-coma and still technically alive...

that might end up sending Professor Isaac Sumdac to Hell...

like picture his shock when he realizes he is in Pentagram City and not in Heaven, even if he still has some good points from his life...

but the whole taking parts from a still living being, even one like Megatron, still ends up making the bad points higher than the good points....even the points where Isaac Sumdac takes credit for Soundwave's creation, yeah Powell made the Sound-Wave copies, but Professor Sumdac wasn't the one who designed Soundwave.

if Isaac did have a twin brother, it could of been his twin brother who I'm still going to call "Ivaan" who found Megatron, NOT Isaac.

the brothers could of built their robotic empire together, and Ivaan was the one who was against taking parts from Megatron's head and wanted to find a humane way to reverse engineer the technology, by making a scanner that would scan the robot head and tell what is inside it and how it works.

Isaac however, goes against his brother's wishes and takes some parts from the robot head anyway, and that is why Megatron's head looks the way it does while in Sumdac's Secret Lab.

and not everyone has to agree with it, but how could Sari's protoform baby self absorb any of Isaac's DNA when he was wearing gloves...?

the reason why the Maximals and Predacons from Beast Wars were possibly able to get some samples of DNA for their disguises, might have to do with there was nothing preventing the access to the DNA needed for those disguises, the T-Rex Skeleton that Predacon Megatron, was easy for the scanners to pick up and scan, even the other lifeforms that were still very much alive.

Isaac may have got a shock and was out cold because of it, but it could be possible that if he did have a twin brother called Ivaan, he would of found his brother out cold on the floor and saw the protoform, and while not wearing gloves himself, ends up touching the liquid metal body and it ends up absorbing his DNA.

so yeah, it is also a Fan-Headcanon Theory I have...

that Isaac Sumdac has a twin brother who ends up going missing under mysterious reasons, possibly when Sari was 1 or 2 years old.

and Isaac is really Sari's Uncle, while Ivaan (Isaac's twin brother) is her true biological human father.

and in a Crossover with Mass Effect, Ivaan could be Jane Shepard's Ex-Husband, and she was with Ivaan Sumdac when they found Isaac on the floor and unconscious, and Jane wasn't wearing gloves either and both her and Ivaan touched the protoform sparkling at the same time and then Sari came to be...and well like Isaac, the two end up getting a shock as well and go unconscious, but they could wake up much sooner than Isaac did because they both got half of the shock, like the shock that was given to Isaac, was instead split between the two of them, so they were only out for a short while and woke up before Isaac did.

also I have a theory that the Cybertron from the Beast Wars Cartoon, is really a Future version of Earth, which could explain the Organic Core and the Fossils in Beast Machines.

that Cybertron is "Cybertron II" and it was Earth.

not everyone has to agree about that theory, but it could be possible that the Cybertron from that universe and timeline is in fact Earth having been Cyber-formed and some Humans had been lucky to leave and went to another galaxy and called a new Planet home that was similar to their original world...

anyway there is another Crossover drawing that has Adult Future Sari in it, along with some other characters as well...

I will post it up in a little bit, right after I eat some powder doughnuts and check out some fan art on here. :)

[huntingrays]

i hate having fanfic ideas i can’t/wont write

like i have one that i really want to write but despise doing rewrites of canon (bc back and forth between canon and new shit… even the thought drains me). but like… i still love it

basically, it’s a fic about young leo getting recruited into luke’s army. after leaving camp, luke came across a young, unclaimed demigod (who didn’t even know he was a demigod). he sees his talent in inventing things with only scraps and decides to recruit him. luke shows him the world of gods and demigods and tells leo he plans to make a new world, one where they don’t have to suffer anymore, one where no kid has to worry about getting hurt by those that are supposed to protect them or failed by the system meant to keep them safe, one where… nobody is left behind or abandoned. leo adores luke since he’s never had any adult male figure in his life, so he clings to the first guy who seems to care about him. they became very close and luke practically takes leo under his wing. he makes inventions for luke to help him fight the war and eventually shows him his powers. however, after the whole possession thing, leo starts to doubt if he’s doing the right thing. also, he wonders if any of the jokes the others make about him being a ‘replacement annabeth’ hold any weight. he doesn’t like fighting and especially doesn’t like hurting people with fire, not after what happened to his mother. luke promised he wouldn’t have to fight but his words don’t mean anything now that kronos is pulling the strings. the last straw was the experiments that transpired. kronos wondered if a boy who couldn’t be burned could be hurt by greek fire. luke did nothing to stop it, even as leo howled in pain. it didn’t scar or injure him, but he finally knew what it felt like to be burned alive. the worst part? now he could summon greek fire (and it hurt like hell to do so).

so, he decides he’d had enough. he can’t leave (he still has hope luke will come to his senses and they can run away and live happily together) but he does rebel in any way he can. he gifts greek fire to chb, he makes faulty inventions that easily break, and so on. eventually, the big war happens. he’s there by luke’s side the whole time. he watches ethan and luke die. he realizes then when he’s not even acknowledged by his dying brother figure that he meant nothing to him. that whole time he’d been used. he truly was just a replacement for someone else all along, one that could be cast aside once the original showed their face. worst of all is the consequences of his actions. the gods were angry and wanted someone to punish. luke was dead and kronos was gone, he was all that was left. well, their were many other demigods left but they were all mere soldiers. leo was special. leo was dangerous. leo’s inventions, which luke promised wouldn’t be used to harm, only to incapacitate, had been altered and used to kill. the gods decided to curse him. goody two shoes percy tried to object but leo told him to fuck off and mind his own business. leo left the experience brother figure less, a curse that made it so no mortal nor child of the greek gods would love him (since he helped luke out of love), and a scar thanks to percy jackson (since the two of them had a scuffle during the fighting)

leo left the world of gods and monsters behind. he just wanted to be a normal kid. he wanted a bland, mundane life where he could hopefully do some good to undo the horrors he committed, even if he didn’t intentionally do them and thought he was doing the right thing. however, a certain ex babysitter had other plans. now, his trip to the grand canyon was ruined, his best friend had amnesia, his coach was gone, and annabeth chase was back and seemed to think leo had something to do with the disappearance of her boyfriend.

yeah, that’s basically all i had planned. i was just planning to write a fic about the moments in between hoo with flashbacks to his time with luke (and also rewrites of hoo to fit the au) but ehhh. can’t do it so it just lives in my head sometimes

there was going to be a lot of like healing from trauma, coping with guilt and survivors guilt, platonic love, found family, and even some valgrace (cause i’m predictable) but… welp

so i decided just to ramble on tumblr lol

[ozfi]

newbie chainsaw man thoughts (started writing at ch31) - from discord. character analysis via transgenderism, as ever...

lets assume denji has had pochita.. what. 10 yrs? i forget if he was given an age when his father died. but this is about puberty.

pochita is denji. does this make sense? pochita is the part of denji that wants to stay alive. survival instinct, brain, hope. call it anything. because denji should have died the day after his father did, at the hands of the debt collector, but pochita came out, shivering and injured, and denji said ill stay alive for you, so you stay alive for me. and in that way he was denjis will to live, and denji managed just to hold on, just by sacrificing a little tiny bit of himself

not that pochita is inherently malicious, which. i dont think he is. but i think a will to live and a survival instinct will naturally have you doing things you dont want to. before pochita literally became a part of denjis body denji was eating cigarettes for a pittance of yen, and now he turns into chainsaw man, and by sacrificing more of himself (blood, the chainsaws literally digging into his flesh, he died and became this) so pochita is trying to keep denji alive At All Costs, but... the cost is high. now denji is functionally immortal, but he is constantly hurting himself to stay alive.

now. why am i saying this?

i am saying this because Chainsaw Man (denji) is transgender as fuck

what sense does this make? well. all of it. here is my reasoning:

chainsaw man becomes a part of denji as he grows up, having to embrace masculinity via puberty and social pressures as one gets older

"but thats hurting him! thats keeping him alive, but its hurting him!" and: well... yeah? hes never been in a situation where he can analyze such things. he doesnt have a mother. hes been surrounded by scummy men his whole life. all he knows is scummy men and pain, and the world around him made him be hyperviolent just to stay alive even before chainsaw man became a part of him, so its only natural he thinks this is the only way. and consistently he is shown that it is. in this way the armor that hurts him keeps him alive. it is his only path forward. in that way even if he could transition, so that he wasnt killed, stealthing is the shield that keeps people safe in situations where they would not otherwise be

pochita-as-denjis-will-to-live keeps him safe by giving him that armor, a way to hack and claw, but this safety wont make him happy in the way he necessarily wants, even if he is already living a better life because of it (and isnt being a cis man a ticket to comfort in a way being anything else isnt?). pochita is like.... adrenaline, in certain ways. where otherwise you would be flat on the ground, but somehow you keep finding something that lets you keep standing up. literally, in fact, in the case of devil blood regeneration.

having a will to live isnt inherently bad, but clinging to a survival instinct definitely means something is wrong. and i know being chainsaw man just makes things worse for denji! there is a chainsaw IN HIS SKULL! IT IS SAWING HIS BRAIN! pochita himself as the only thing thats ever truly loved denji (and thus, denji himself) [TO THIS POINT] isnt a bad thing to have, but the way that will to survive is manifesting and is percieved to need to manifest as is self harm

naturally, when you look at the evidence, a lot of people who need change most are the most scared of it, and tend to isolate or act out when faced with life-shifting calamities, including gender dysphoria. it makes me think about when denji wondered if accepting pochita as a part of him meant that not only the physical organ but his emotional human heart died as well...

and, its not necessarily a good thing, but denji learning women can be just as awful as men and no longer idolizing them is an important wakeup call for him to be able to move forward into a more realistic and happy life, where he doesnt follow women around like a dog and isnt entirely averse to being around men in every capacity as if theyre inherently subhuman and not just a type of person with the ability to make their own choices

the first devil he faces after becoming chainsaw man, the muscle devil, is there to use his bias against him, saying the little girl was being abused by her father and that the devil saved her. having total black-and-white thinking leaves you to disadvantage and unable to see the world clearly

+ the race for chainsaw man's heart and the usage of emotional manipulation for that futhers denjis ideas that people only like him if he has something to offer them. "im only worth something if i have something of worth", in denjis case it is being chainsaw man/having chainsaw's heart. / "because i am the way i am, only bad things happen to me and the people i love"

[ch 40:

[5:34 PM] ok i was off comp for 2 seconds and i thought abt

[5:34 PM] how kamen rider this setup is

[5:35 PM] youre turned into the same kind of monsters as you fight, and though it gives you that power to fight, what is the cost? what will you do with that power? how will it change you ]

+ but it is essential to remember the survival instinct, the will to live- all of it relies on hope. the idea that tomorrow will be better than today, and that it's worth staying alive for. while the current result of denji+pochitas united strength is dangerous and painful, pochitas true purpose is to keep denji alive to see a future worth living in. pochita loves him. pochita is hope.

[uyuforu]

Hey i am here to participate in your tarot game!

Here is my juno chart -

here is my groom chart -

here is you reading - who is your fs? when will you meet? any angel messages or advise for you, how will you meet? Their first impression on you.

Let's start -

Okay so advise angel cards-

Meditation brings answer - You should meditate, when you are feeling low and in doubt it will help you clear your mind.

Ask from help of others - do not hesitate to reach out to your loved ones, when you are in need, because they love you and you never have to be alone and feel alone.

Timing - In the near future - You will be meeting him in upcoming years.

Take action - when you are going somewhere, or in the mood for socializing and you are getting to know new places or people. when you taking action and you ready you will meet him.

okay so onto the tarot cards -

who is your future spouse - 6 of pentacles , the emperor, page of pentacles, knight of cups, queen of cups

I see you both are looking for each other like a part of you and him will be searching for each other, he is quite generous and kind, he might also have lots of admirers, but he will have eyes for you, He is like the CEO type who has leadership qualities in him, he loves to take charge, very protective in a good way, he will protect you with his all his strength, he values his family and beliefs, very dependable, focused, he will sweep you off you feet, he will be self sufficient, he can be quite chill. A very wholesome aura, like you wanna be his friends or just to be in his company, this goes well with him having admirers, he will be very quick witted, a very new person, he will always have lots of ideas on how to handle certain situation and guiding his way out, he could be a troublemaker in past, but he will be quite matured when you meet him, but with you his inner child will show, he is very charming, i keep hearing hazel eyes, might be hazel eyed or maybe he likes hazelnuts, a very good sense of humour and good personality, he have grown quite a lot, I also see him being very open minded, and he could be close to certain female members i her family, or he just respects females a lot, a very emotional mature person, i see you both in too much love, like you will know your soul will recognize its him, you and him will share very deep emotional connection as well. A very rewarding relationship. He will teach you so many things. Meditation is very imp here. He is very hardworking, he wont give up he loves to reach his goals. He will be coming very soon to you~

His first impression on you - 6 of cups, queen of swords, 8 of cups

As i said you both will just know, its like your soul will recognize them, a very pleasent and harmonious impression you will have on them. they will feel nostalgic like they have known you for quite sometime, he will think of you as someone who is kind, and know how to deal with stuff on her own, he will think of you as someone like you are a puzzle to them, he will know you yet he would want to know more about your soul. I see him making first step, like doing a ice breaker kinda thing lol, like he will come to you first.

How you will meet him? - 2 of cups, 3 of wands, 4 of wands, the fool.

I see you will meet him when you are opening a new chapter of your life. There are new beginnings for you, i see this can be a connection from your past life. When you both meet, it will be a divine timing, you might be travelling or he can be travelling when you meet him, travel will play a great role, maybe a friends marriage not where you are, but you both meet there, when you are travelling at a wedding and your eyes meet and right there you will know its him.

Thank you!

Please do give feedback if you liked it.

Thank you for participating! This reading was quite accurate for me, but the most accurate thing was def how we met because this is exactly what happened!! He was also in the country to attend a wedding lol, so yeah it def makes sense. Thank you so so much for your reading! Let's go with the exchange!

Your Exchange Reading

✿ You could meet FS on a fun day, a shopping day, a day you think of yourself, take care of yourself. A wedding too, something related to romance, lot of couples, or just a very beautiful place!

✿ FS could look very handsome and very unique for sure! They could dress well but with their own style, quite different than people but def well put together.

✿ You could meet FS quite unexpectedly and it could be in a daily life. It could also be at work! Or during some health routine for example. Meeting could be quite romantic.

✿ FS could have 7H/ Libra/ 11H/ Aquarius/ 5H/ Leo/ 10H/ Capricorn/ Sagittarius/ 9H/ Aries/ 1H/ Pisces/ 12H placements.

✿ FS is veryyyyy good looking!! Very popular for their look for sure! They can dress differently everyday. Or like to change their appearance often. But they always look good whatever they pull off.

✿ FS could be a foreigner!

✿ You could also meet FS online.

✿ FS or you could meet when someone can move in another country (they come to your country or you come to their).

✿ FS is someone who loves traveling and perhaps moves often. FS could also struggle to find a proper home for themselves and this could be why.

✿ FS could be quite funny, loud, and they could also be a little dramatic. Def an empath and extrovert too. Though they can be quite sensible too. Could get their feelings hurt easily so don't tease them too much.

✿ Could love theater, movies, acting, etc.

✿ FS could have been betrayed by friends before.

✿ FS could be determined to win a lot of money and be successful in their life.

✿ FS could love pop culture, and they could also love to have fun. Their friends are very important for them.

✿ FS could have some money or be very lucky when it comes to money. They could also quite be lucky in general. They could easily manifest too.

Hope you liked your reading!

[newathens]

i literally don't know what happened to rick's perspective because there are all these themes and aspects of characterisation in PJO that make it one of the best series in middle-grade fiction and for the show he's one-by-one second-guessed them and taken them out. the family themes you're talking about are such a glaring example but i'm also mad about annabeth, about the lack of humour, about the lack of gravity. it's such a shame.

i’ve been reading many critiques so i think i understand this enough to respond. here’s the thing, riordan seems to have this pattern of trying to patch up loose-ends or mistakes in his storytelling later on. and the show could be suffering from this as he is essentially getting to re-tell the entire book series through a new medium. on the other hand, transferring a book to television has and will always be hard, there’s no way to know what they had to sacrifice to get the book to screen. but as im sure fans have pointed out, if we can note such obvious fixes, maybe they didn’t try hard enough. or rather, like you say, are removing integral parts of the story to get other things in.

and then on the other other hand, rick’s perspective isn’t what it once was and because of that, the show is turning out different than the books. and what i mean by this, if you read trials of apollo, it comes across differently than pjato. so clearly, rick is creating this show in a different mindset than he would if he was creating this show right after pjato. in a lot of ways, that’s not a bad thing. but it’s going to change the adaption a lot. i have not yet watched it but i can tell by certain quotations and images i’ve come across, he is clearly introducing the concept that the olympians are unjust much earlier in the series and i think the fact that they are unjust hadn’t occurred to himself until later into writing his books (i.e. the fixing thing). it’s fun that he’s putting that in so quickly, but it changes a lot of things later down the line. because our heroes already realize this, they should end up acting differently through the rest of the seasons. i hope im making sense.

yeah. i wont be too harsh until i watch it myself, but that’s what i can comment.

[twipsai]

i think its worth mentioning that i did watch The Amazing Digital Circus over the weekend. i liked it! more than i thought i would honestly. it still rubs be the wrong way that they had like,, a full collection of merch right when the first episode dropped, but im willing to look past that because it really is a good show. im pretty glad i decided to be petty and not watch it til now because i probably wouldnt have liked it with just the first episode out

i would have to watch it a second time to give my full thoughts on it (which i dont really want to do if im being entirely honest) but im super surprised that most of the things ive seen in the fandom for it have been shitposts or shipping, and not really talking about all the parts i super liked about it (the attention to detail is incredible, but i could probably talk about that all day and i have other things to get to)

probably my favorite moment from all three episodes is that scene where Kinger is holding his breath and lighting up the entire room, and how that works in tandem with the information thats learned right before that scene, but im fairly certain most people liked that scene lol

theres a lot of interesting stuff here both in terms of writing and animation, really just a beautiful show all around. it seems to me what soured me to it in the first place was how fandomized i saw it become two seconds after its existence, and how i rarely saw any sort of in-depth character analysis (though, i suppose thats sort of hard to do only one episode in, but i digress)

anyways yeah, sorry if this doesnt make any sense lol i dont think ive ever talked about tadc on here so i thought i may as well throw my hat into the ring. probably wont draw anything of it unless inspiration strikes so dont expect anything lmao,, feel free to send asks about it tho if you want idk shrugs. i like offering my opinion when asked

[suffarustuffaru]

What are your thoughts on Prideful Cinderella by Pinkshuchan

ooohh prideful cinderella..... again gonna leave the link to the fic here please show the author some love <3 ill try to keep linking to the og fic like this if i get any more asks like this hah

i remember reading it a loooong time ago when it first came out. and then i actually read the first several chapters of it recently again because "hey i havent seen it in a while. and i dont remember much about it" so i gave it another go out of curiosity and i got to around ch4?

but yeah i did enjoy reading it!! not sure if ill continue it soon but it was pretty solid. the writing style is very - formal, i'd say? a little flowery? but anyway the writing style is very well written. it gives the fic a super nice atmosphere which i think fits the whole point of the story - a cinderella inspired, fairytale-esque fic thats made a little Off on purpose just because its pride if and pride if is Understandably. you know. off the rails. yeah i think my favorite part was exactly that - the atmosphere and style was very nice to read through, imo. its just the perfect combo with the premise, as i said, and the setting of this ball and the fact that a certain doomed by the narrative duo reinsuba are having their drama HAH.

and also that antagonist is so. hes so hateable but that seems to be the point. and also he Definitely feels like someone you could come across in real life (unfortunately). so big kudos to the writer for that!!! the part where the antagonist states his viewpoint on women and how theyre like Flowers is so chilling. and also a perfect counterpoint to reinhard, whos 1. genuinely fond of gardening 2. not horribly misogynistic and 3. his family has this. Motif. with flowers.

and also i know its been a small detail so far (at my uhh. around ch4 mark hah.) but reinhard drinking and not getting drunk because of his dps has gotta be one of my favorite details of this fic. theres already like small little bits of details in canon regarding reinhard and his thoughts on drinking (other than the fact that his dad is an alcoholic but lajfls), but yeah. i think reinhard purposefully trying and failing to get intoxicated is interesting. and the whole reinsuba drama and this taking place in pride if is all very interesting as well. the author does a good job of establishing the premise of the fic (cinderella inspired) and making it Make Sense with rezero's setting - its not forced at all i think!!

also i liked the julius reinhard friendship moments <3 (i am someone very normal about their friendship (lying through my teeth))

other than that i do have like. a few criticisms but theyre more a matter of personal taste. like the formal writing style is wonderful with the narration and with dialogue from people like julius or reinhard. it does however feel a little stilted with subaru just bc i Personally cant see him talking like that Unless hes putting up an act (which he does in this fic to be fair!!! but even when hes not he sounds a little too formal for my taste). and also i have General tastes regarding pride if subaru characterization which 1. will of course be a little different with other people and i am welcome to people criticizing my own pridebaru characterization hah and 2. yeah my opinion with prideful cinderella is that pridebaru is a little too nice at times? yeah. hes just a little too nice at times imo despite the fact that this is post-pride if arc 1 and post-subaru joining the witch cult. so i do wish stuff like his hatred of reinhard was more pronounced bc i feel like it Would be at this stage.

but i do get that pridebarus One Line he wont cross is like. people like regulus mistreating his wives and the antag of this fic sure is a bit similar so ig that makes sense? :o and also i did enjoy a lot of pridebaru moments and lines in this fic otherwise (the detail of him rbding to practice his disguise for the ball and him casually going "yeah i did it like 30+ times lol" in his own narration was SO good). i think the characterization of pridebaru just had some moments that i Personally didnt like and others that i Liked A Lot so a bit of a mixed bag to me personally. i liked everyone elses characterizations though!! the witch cultist lackey was also an interesting take yes.

yeah so thats my thoughts on it!!! overall its a good fic just had a few things that werent to my taste but thats perfectly fine!!

[mysticficti0n]

All my attention Part 4

warnings- swearing, drinking, sexual tension, romance, fighting?

words- 3.8k

If you'd like to read the previous parts → All my attention series

a/n- so if you're new here I am British and cannot speak any German, I speak a little French, Spanish and Italian but German- no. I also do not trust Google translate so this is gonna be like an avatar thing (if you've seen the newest one Jake says that their language just became normal or something along those lines) so in reality this is all in German, you as a reader know German but, its wrote in English... make sense? no... well, sorry this part has taken a while- I'm on holiday atm so I probably wont be posting till I'm home BUT I didn't want you to be without, also fucking thank you all so much for the response to the first and second part and now third! I can't believe the response to it, I could've cried because im a baby , love you all

(P.s- this one is shorter and shittier, I've not had much free time so this was written between 2 days- so I'm sorry I promise once I'm home they will get much better and saucy 😉)

┍━━━━━━━━━━ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ━━━━━━━━━━┑

backstory- you are the 5th member of Tokio Hotel and you always thought the love was equally platonic between you and a certain guitarist... but what if that all changed?

"okay rock, paper, scissors who goes first" I smiled turning to him, we balled our fists up and chanted "rock, paper, scissors" Tom held rock and I was paper "YES!" I cheered

"yeah well done" Tom cooed dramatically, I looked around and Tom put his hands back onto my legs fiddling with my anklet I forgot I had on and finally something caught my eye

"eye spy with my little eye something beginning with C" I spoke seeing his eyes dart around the car and out the window

"case?" I shook my head "cigarets?... car?... cap?.... your erm.. cardigan!?" I laughed seeing him become annoyed so easily "how hard can it be... is it in here?"

"yes it is- all around us in fact" Tom's brown eyes widened at my words and he carried on looking

"crisps?... OH Carpet!" he finally called to which I clapped my hands "thats such a shit one" he moaned

"so why did it take you 6 try to get it Thomas?" I asked eyeing him slightly

"shut up- alright erm.. eye spy with my little eye... ah... something beginning with B" he smiled looking at me

"Books?... bottles?...bags?....Bill?.... bandage?... bracelets?... is it in or out?" Tom blew at my words

"sorry what? in or out?"

"yes in the car or out the car!?" he oh'ed at me with a smirk forming on his face

"in" with a nod I carried on looking, I couldn't see anything beginning with B and I began to give up "wanna another clue?"

"yes because I don't have a fucking idea" I grumbled

"its living" my eye squinted seeing Tom laugh at me

"no I give up what the fuck begins with B and is 'living'?!" I called slamming myself back into my seat

"bassist" he purred looking back at a sleeping Georg

"we're not playing eye spy anymore" I spoke turning away from him and looking out the window

"oh come on!" Tom pinched "I'll make it easier" I turned back and saw his eyes look softer, a pout forming on his lips "please" he whined

"can't we just spend time together?" I asked pouting like him

"go fuck yourself Y/n" the guitarist huffed shoving my legs off his lap "I wanna play a game!" angrily he crossed his arms like an annoyed toddler and sunk deeper into the chair, I sat up straight and leant towards him, close to the shell of his ear

"we can play when were home Tommy" I whispered gently to him, his posture became more stiff and he tucked his lip between his teeth, our eyes met and for a long moment we stayed still just staring

"is that a promise?" he spoke back giving me a shiver down my spine, a serious blush colouring my cheeks, I always try have the upper hand when we 'flirt' but I always melt at his words

┍━━━━━━━━━━ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ━━━━━━━━━━┑

I woke up to the feeling of being unbuckled out my seat, my eyes parted to see a smiling black haired boy who was whispering something "oh you're awake, were home sleeping beauty" he let go and moved to be out the way, I looked out to see the sky a beautiful purple and pink then... my home

the orange brick and small patterns in-beaded in the concrete (this is what I'm basing it off, I know its says luxury but I just like the outside look of it! ) and the white windows, it was a refreshing sight, I saw all our bags outside the front door and I practically ran up, I passed Gustav who was looking at the flowers that bloomed around the drive, I opened the door and saw the hall I remember running down as a child and all the family pictures decorating the place "MOM! WERE HOME!" I called listening to where her voice would come from

"OKAY COME OUTSIDE, BRING THE BOYS!" she shouted back, I went and gathered the other 4 and brought them threw the house we all knew to well, we went right through and saw our families chatting and drinking wines, beer and small snacks were laid out "oh my darlings, how was your drive?"

"Long we got stuck for fucking ages" Bill cursed grabbing a beer "happy to be home" we all agreed and grabbed ourselves a beer, cheering them all together and taking a swig, I looked out to the garden seeing my sister in her little house playing with my dad and Gustav's and then our trampoline

"hold this" I spoke to Georg who grabbed my bottle, I took off down the garden and climbed onto the metal and started jumping seeing everyone watching me "Hi Stella!"

"Hi hi Baba!" she waved giving me a gummy smile as she watched me bounce up and down

"Y/N YOU'RE 17!" Simone called

'AND WHAT!" I shouted seeing her laugh, then Bill tapped his brothers shoulder and came down the steps to me and got on the trampoline, we bounced each other laughing as one went higher than the other, soon Gustav joined, then Tom and then finally Georg and soon we were making everything a competition "I CAN GET HIGHER!" I called as everyone jumped shooting me into the air "AHHH HOLY SHI-" I screamed as I came back down, we played crack the egg and alligator and gazelles but then my dad came and pulled us off

"we have guests, they've come to see you all- so behave and grow up will ya" he warned as we all rolled our eyes "ah- say it"

"yes sir" we all groaned walking back up into the house seeing our parents hugging someone "who is it?" Gustav asked grabbing his beer again

"dunno" Bill spoke trying to see over the group "looks like a women?" I thought to myself but came to no avail

"Y/n, Bill, Tom you remember Scarlett and her family right?" my mom asked bringing a women forward, she had dark brown hair and very fair skin, I looked to the twins who like me had no clue

"erm.. yea of course, Scarlett lovely to see you" Tom spoke first sticking his hand out with a fake smile

"oh Bill! look how grown up you are" she pulled the wrong twin into a hug

"oh no thats Bill, this is Tom" my mom laughed patting the taller twins shoulder

"oh I'm sorry boys- you look so similar!" I watched as the two eyed each other, with their totally opposite style that they've had since the late 90's you'd think people could differentiate the two

"ah yeah" Tom replied as the women hugged his brother

"and Y/n you look so different, what happened to your hair? and you have so many ear pricing! and you have boobs!" she chuckled giving me a hug

"yep- comes with being a girl" I spoke awkwardly "oh and this is Gustav and Georg" the lady waved to them to which the two smiled "how are you anyways" I asked trying to redirect the conversation

"good good, moved house, re-married left that cheating fucker I called my husband- 5th marriage now" Scarlett grinned making us go wide eyed "but you know, me and Benson and Zach, my youngest son who I don't think you've met tried to get tickets to your concerts, I remember how you 4 used to be amazing friends but obviously went different paths.. well actually- Benson doll come here, come say hi!" my eyes went to the two boys who shrugged not remembering a Benson, soon a tall-ish blonde boy with blue eyes stepped forward "no- get your brother- they don't know you" she hurried making me cringe slightly for the boy who frowned

"its alright if he's busy scar, they can say hello later" my mom smiled placing her hand on Toms arm

"no no- ah here you are, remember-"

"holy fuck" I spoke seeing the boy, well now man. Very tall, black haired, freckled faced, green eyed boy who I remembered being a awkward, snotty, weird little kid "ben?"

"Y/n god its been years" he spoke, his voice was deeper and rougher "Bill, Tom" he shook their hands and the two smiled remembering our old friend, he moved to me hugging me

"you've changed dude" Tom laughed staring at him

"I know, I thought I should make something of myself, I mean I look at you three and i'm shit compared" a snicker left my mouth and he joined in "yeah I mean, we all moved on right" he looked back at me and I saw his eyes travel along me and a smirk on his face "we all changed"

"ah-well erm... what are you doing now or?" Tom joined coming closer to me and putting an arm around my shoulder pretending to get comfy but I knew what he was doing "got a girlfriend?" I looked to the dreaded boy who didn't take his eyes of the other boy

"oh no no, can't be arsed with all the girl stuff, to much work I'd rather get my fair share, sorry Y/n- anyways, I'm an electrician.. don't want to bore you all so I'll let you go but erm, we should catch up so I can here all about your guys concerts" he looked back towards me

"yeah we should, maybe we could meet you at a bar?" I asked seeing the twins eyeing the boy again, Bill had a frown watching him

"ah well- they have their own lives I was thinking me and you? like a date maybe at my place?" I laughed slightly but Tom stepped in before I could even get a word out

"yeah she has her own life too but we have to relax for a while, we've been on tour and we have a radio show thing tomorrow night- thats our life so..." I saw Bill laugh

"basically were saying you're not putting your cock in her Ben- you're still as weird as you when we were kids" the other twin spat getting a glare from Ben and his mother who stood looking at Bill with a lopsided smile

"I think Y/n can speak for herself" she quipped making me roll my eyes

"look its nice n all, and you're a very.. nice guy but you kinda ruined it by saying having a date at yours, I've traveled all over and I know I maybe a girl but I'm not stupid- were not gonna fuck" with a huff he went to turn away

"its fine, id rather not be known for sleeping with the chubby slut side singer from a band sad fuckers listen to anyways" my jaw dropped, who the fuck did he think he was talking to?

"watch your fucking mouth" I spoke seeing the families turn to look at me, he smiled looking down at me "don't fucking smile at me because I'll carve you into the floor you dick" I hissed shoving him away as he tried to step forwards attempting to intimidate me

"okay calm down sugar" at that I felt the arm that was around me go and Tom was over the boy pushing him back

"TOM!" his mom called "BILL GET YOUR BROTHER!" he 'tried' pulling his brother off but he was enjoying this, Bill loved drama "Gordon grab him" she spoke shoving her boyfriend at Tom. The boys step dad grabbed him away and Tom shouted a few words back at him

"DON'T FUCKING TRY- YOU WONT DO SHIT" Tom roared trying to push off Gordon who was holding his shoulders talking to him to get him away, my mom was ushering us away, our fathers stood watching cheering on Tom, not helping the situation getting angered stares from the women

We watched as Scarlett went out shouting things to her son and waving my mother bye, with a breath it was time to face the words of our mothers "what was that for!" my mom Angelica spoke with a growl

"mom it wasn't Toms fault" I began seeing her shake her head "he was trying to get me to fuck him, they were sticking up for me"

"Tom, Bill Is this true?" Tom nodded taking a sip of his beer

"then he called her chubby and a slut! like come on Angie in makes sense why" Bill added and my moms eyes shot up

"what!" Simone spoke standing from her seat "that bitch" my mom shot her a look and she sat back down

"well Tom, you two as well, I understand why it happened. carry on" we nodded and walked to Georg and Gustav who were laughing

"had fun?" Gustav shoved his friend

"fuck off" Tom whispered staring out to the garden

"I think I'm going to change" the boys nodded and I lifted my drink and made my way up stairs to my room tabled 'my little sunshine' the sticker had been on there since I was born- It was a nickname only my mom called me and I knew if she didn't say it I was in a lot of shit. I looked in the mirror and saw in the reflection the large poster of Tokio Hotel I had above my make-up desk, It was us doing our 'signature' pose pointing to the camera with our bad bitch faces on as Bill said. I took off my shirt leaving me in my baggy jeans and a bra with lace curling around it, I walked to my window which looked over the back garden and watched as the boys were now playing with Stella, it looked like they were having a tea party of sorts which made me smile, I loved how they treated Stella like their sister too

"Y/n can I come in?" a voice startled me as his face appeared around the door

"fuck, yeah come in, I thought you were outside still" I laughed seeing Tom but his face didn't copy mine- he was still angry, he perched on my bed looking around the room "I think I might redecorate its little, dated" he nodded but his eyes went back to me

"I'm sorry" I furrowed my eyebrows

"for what?, you were sticking up for me I'm not going to be like 'ugh Tom how dare you!' am I?" a small smile cracked on his lips

"I keep being really... over the top I guess, like say you did actually like Ben and I just acted like that?" I rolled my eyes sitting myself next to him placing my hand on his knee

"I would've told you to back off- so don't worry" his eyes drifted to mine and turned softer, I moved my hand to his jaw and let my thumb caress his cheek "and I like you being protective over me, so you're fine"

"you're to good to me" he spoke watching me closely "and I could be a lot more protective of you, if thats what you like" his voice was a sultry whisper, I neatly melted to his words, I think he realised when he chuckled deeply causing me to just shudder, our foreheads knocked onto each others, our lips brushing each others

"okay pretty boy- lemme change" Tom's face lit up slightly with a blush but he sighed laying back on my bed covering his eyes "fine" I accepted he wasn't going to leave which in reality didn't effect me, I got changed infront of him a lot so quickly I pulled out a black tube top, my zip up hoody and sprayed myself with my 'can can' spray

"that smells good" he stood up coming to stand behind me, arms circling my waist "remember what you said earlier?" he spoke in my ear pressing a small kiss to my jaw

"I do, but people will be wondering why you've got a boner so... and you can't really say its from your best friend because she's so sexy and turns you on beyond any other girl in the universe can you?" I smiled turning to him, I knew I was torchering him "and then everyone will know you have a crush on me, because I'm so perfect"

"you play a hard game Y/l/n" I grinned turning myself in his arm so his hand was on my back "literally"

┍━━━━━━━━━━ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ━━━━━━━━━━┑

the moon rose into the sky, Stella was in bed and we were all sat around a small fire the dad's made, my mom and Gustav's mom were making cocktails in the kitchen while Georg and the twins mom chatted while sipping on some wine from earlier, leave us five talking about our shows

"I think we could be more extravagant" Bill spoke "more lights and make the ground shake uno?"

"yeah I want to be deaf at the end" Gustav added taking a bite of a sandwich

"maybe we should try traveling more with tour? like going to America and England, Mexico" I asked cuddling into the blanket we had

"hot chicks in England" Georg added cheersing Tom with their beer "and guys for you" we all laughed and soon Gustav's mom came out with a tray of drinks, 5 cocktails and 5 shots, followed by my dad holding a camera

"we are calling these 'Tokio Hotel martini'!" she called handing us glasses full of a purple liquid "its 3 ounces gin, ½ ounce maraschino liqueur, ½ ounce freshly squeezed lemon juice, ¼ ounce crème de violette, ice and Cocktail cherry for garnish!" she smiled "and here's some vodka" a laugh left our lips as we all quickly grabbed one "enjoy!" we all tapped the shots twice onto the table and knocked them back and quickly chased it with the 'Tokio hotel martini' which was delicious to say the least

"mom these are amazing" Gustav hummed "thank you" we all spoke together

"you can tell they're our children" Simone began wrapping a arm around my mom "little shits" she smiled

"thanks mom" Bill grinned

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The night turned into just everyone relaxing, Georg and Bill went up into the spare room and to sleep, Gustav was playing pool with the dads while me and Tom sat with our moms and drank different alcohol that was set out, I was sat leaning on the arm of the chair and my legs over Tom who was stroking them without a thought

"what times that interview thing?" Alexia Georg's mom asked tapping me on the shoulder

"erm... I'm not sure- Tom what time is the-" he looked over answering before I could finish

"starts at 6" he went back to his conversation and Alexia only giggled

"6 then, how come?"

"well we were thinking of booking a meal, as like a celebration and inviting all the grandparents because they've missed you all, so you think it would be done for 9?" I nodded seeing her walk into he house and pull the phone off the hook, I turned back to the dreadlocked boy and just found myself staring at him, just the way he looked while in a serious conversation but then a smile appearing on his face when a joke was made, the way he held me like I was his but I knew it was just a platonic sort of thing, we'd never done anything besides kiss, I knew I'd never be his- I wasn't going to be mad if he did find girls I mean come on its Tom Kaulitz he could get any girl, I was just lucky we were so close anyways, all I knew is that he liked making out with me and occasionally I looked pretty to him

"thats what I said to Y/n, because we want one...yeah what do you think?- Y/n" I was snapped out my trance by him shaking my leg gently

"sorry what was that?" I asked bring myself to the conversation

"getting a tattoo" my mouth made a 'O' shape and nodded

"yes oh my god I want so many but we want one for the band" Tom nodded looking back to the women "and I want to get some more piercings, like the middle of my lip and nose" my mother shook her head

"why your nose! its so cute" Bella Gustav's mom joined "'the lip will look badass though" I smiled seeing my mom sigh at her friend not being very helpful "what! come on Angelica lighten up"

"you'll love it mom!" she nodded rolling her eyes

"well its getting late- I think you two and Gus should go up to bed, its already.. fuck 12:30, Yes bed" She began pulling me and Tom up and calling Gustav over, we hugged and kissed everyone goodnight and made our way into our rooms, Gustav walked in and just fell onto the air mattress on the floor, I looked to see Georg and Bill sharing the bed, Bill had stolen most the blanket as usual so being the good friend I am I went and grabbed an extra blanket for the bassist and placed it over him

"let me walk you to your room" Tom whispered grabbing my hand and pulling me down the corridor into my bedroom, the room was dim but I could make out where he was and the smirk along his lips "I saw you staring at me" I tried to avoid his eyes "oh so you wont look at me now huh?" he pushed and I stayed silent, embarrassed of how he saw me, his fingers curled under my chin and pulled my face to meet his which looked softer "you're okay Y/n" Tom pulled me closer which I didn't even know was possible, my heart began beating quickly, it felt as if it could leap out of my chest at any moment. Our eyes met for a brief moment again before he leaned in and pressed his lips gently to mine. In that moment, time seemed to stand still as I melted into his embrace. Every inch of my body was on fire as I smiled feeling his breath on me, the kiss felt different, and had more meaning then the ones before "fu-fuck you're so beautiful" he hummed. Together we stumbled to my bed where he fell below me, I crawled to be closer to him, Tom's hands searching my body but quickly finding themselves comfy on my waist, I held his face between my hands, smoothing his skin with my thumbs. we parted with dopey smiles smothering our faces, lips pursed and eyes open only slightly "actually I prefer looking at you from down here"

"oh yeah- bet you do" I laughed feeling him sit me on his hips which a small yelp left my mouth "sorry" the guitarist only grinned moving his hands onto my thighs with a sigh "what?" I asked

"what are we?" a question I had actually wondered a lot about "I know what I'd like to be"

"and whats that?" I spoke leaning closer to him, letting the smell of his cologne and beer fill my nose

"yours"

[sinkableruby]

owarimonogatari ge spoilers. rgu spoilers too i think

himemiya anthy and oshino ougi are both girls who exist for guys

and yeah i hear you thinking what, misogyny ?! toxic masculinity ?! thats not a big part of ougis arc and yeah it isnt and also other gender stuff BUT. the spirit is still there!! and i have to say it in that way first to do anthy's part justice

bc they Are both people who exist solely for others sake. their ability to define their own existences have been taken away from them. they have no agency! anthy obviously but also ougi has never had agency. ougi was created by araragi to do certain things he couldn't do himself, and this was literally the sole purpose of their existence. if ur in that situation what are you gonna do? not do it? and probably like, cease to exist bc the universe's internal coding is a total asshole? you don't have a choice, you just gotta accept the burden.

they're very silly and goofy and sinister and smiley about it of course but like. i'll say it now a lot of those smiles are not happy. i mean you look at the light novels oshino "ppl are so dumb i have to laugh at them but im crying when im laughing" ougi (edgelord ougi confirmed? LOL ok ok not really) oshino 'araragi theorizes her smile was poignant bc she knew how short her life would be' ougi like yeah ok. get a life, literally. lol (note this is also. for those who have read it. what ougi stay is about. and what my next big thing is going to be about. this is what the significance. anyway)

and anthy does the same thing! all this fucked up shit happens around her and To her and she just watches it all with the same smile like nothing's wrong. the parallels are insane you guys you cant make this shit up. anthy smiling like nothing is wrong during the duels before slowly realizing she doesn't want to be separated from utena is the same as ougi smiling while about to be erased forever even though she doesnt want to die. its parallels!!!!!! even where ougi's situation gets a little muddied with her being Literally araragi (even though she is still the part of him that he ejected and pushed all this work onto and still just exists for him at first so i wouldnt say this is a point against my analysis here), it still very much applies. and that part of 'being him' can loop back around and extend anthy if you want it to. she does whatever her fiancee wants her to, is molded to and reflects them. a reflection-- is that not, in a very big sense, what ougi is for araragi? you could even say that for anthy, the fiancee of the rose bride's attempted domination of her is a way to dominate the femininity within them, to quell and control it. (if this doesnt make sense my excuse is that i havent finished watching yet. but i think it does make sense, and a lot of it, actually)

theyve both got their Roles to play, and play them they do. anthy, the rose bride, and ougi, the culprit, the bad guy. i think about that 'bad guy' framing a lot too btw. when ougi is talking about her unfazed appearance when faced with Forever Death Via Black Hole, shes like 'don't you hate it when in mystery novels the bad guy is so calm in the face of their comeuppance? yeah that sucks so just letting you know im terrified 👍. gotta wonder what happens when your matter gets erased completely yk. like whats that gotta be like lol.' (not even exaggerating at all really) (also shes so funny she relates everything to mystery novels bc she loves them thats so sweet and real i love that :)) (and then she proceeded to say 'nah i think the culprit should kill themself instead' but i wont get into it)

theyve also both got those cute little interests come to think of it. anthy loves like animals and stuff and ougi loves their mysteries. are these two the Same Character (joking) (but really they should hang out)

theres a line in one of the short stories that summarizes it really well, describing ougi as 'a puppet who had come to life.' and yeah, basically. it's implied to be after the ougi dark resolution so there i have even more ✨textual evidence✨ but like fr. its an incredibly apt description for ougi. if yotsugi is a doll, then ougi is a puppet, who has gained agency (and thats the thing, rgu and monogatari are giving these agency-robbed characters agency, thats what ougi dark did, and im like p sure thats what rgu is going to do i havent finished it lol but i did get sorta spoiled on the ending so i think its gonna. in monogatari... its more rocky i feel. its not cut and dry, its not like whoops you have agency forever completely now. its like you Kinda have it. you Maybe Mostly have it. it's complicated i'm writing about it)... i wonder when yotsugi will get her agency, but part of me wonders if nisioisins plan is that she wont. because she's a doll, she's too stuck, she's fixed to what others need her for, she can't work by herself. she hasn't "come to life" yet like ougi has (being a corpse might do that to you)

anyway uhhhh i'm right good night

[super-paper]

Yeah, the more I look at it, the more certain I am that the hands belong to the vestiges within All For One (or more accurately, they’re all that’s left of the vestiges after AFO finished cannibalizing them and SNS had her category five woman moment. Probably!)

Jury’s still out on whether they’re malicious or benevolent, or if they have any narrative purpose at all beyond being a testament to hori’s sense of…. aesthetics. But I like the idea that the last dregs of their consciousness have united to protect Tomura from being fully absorbed by AFO, especially since they kind of resemble a cocoon in certain shots:

Like, there’s something about AFO’s relentless attempts at stripping his victims of their identities never being enough to erase that person completely— there’s an intrinsic part of them that he cannot touch and cannot be overwritten to suit his narrative. The vestiges still having enough sense of self to recognize that Tomura is a fellow victim and then uniting to protect him the only way they can feels like it's in line with the type of story Hori is trying to tell...

But, Hori also loves his Unspeakable Horrors™ and exploring the duality of hands through Tomura's story (hands being a tool for extreme/senseless violence and rejection vs hands being ultimate representation of what it means to save, hands suppressing identity and hands revealing who you truly are at your core, touch making you physically ill and touch being something you crave more than anything else, etc etc etc), so I wont be surprised or upset if he goes "nah, here's some more nightmare fuel lol :)" instead. Only time will tell!