#yeah idk they make me uncomfortable
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men love to try and tee me up for their next relationship while they’re still dating their current gf and i am never interested. NEVER.
#i don’t even fuck w men like that#mind you i’ve told this man that i am NOT INTERESTED in dating SEVERAL TIMES when he’s asked ab my romantic life#but he’s saying some suspicious ass stuff#like today he was like ‘yeah and it’s hard bc i’m starting have feelings for….this isn’t about anyone in particular….others outside#the relationship. and it’s making me feel guilty’#and i’m like hm. um. okay.#and he’s being weirdly cryptic with me in the way men get when they think they’re being sly ab their feelings for you#😭😭#he’s texting me a bunch lately too like ‘you just really inspire me to be the best version of myself i can be’#and ‘i had a really bad week and i just wanted to thank you for being so kind and funny and awesome’#mind you i didn’t do anything out of ordinary for him#mind you he’s my coworker!!!#i see him every day!!#i’m not stupid idk 😭 you complain ab your gf to me and the shower me in praise like pls stop im uncomfortable 😭😭#i’ve already told him i don’t really want this dynamic with a coworker and he kinda just continues and idk what to do anymore!#like we work closely on everything!#he sits directly beside me in the office!#BLAH#cielo rambles!
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2023 Las Vegas Grand Prix - Qualifiying - Fernando Alonso
#half asleep making these istg#yayyyy p9? idk ig i expected him to do better#old man asleep at the wheel whats new 😴#he was very quick w this interview i wonder if he was eager to get to bed#i certainly am rn#f1#formula 1#fernando alonso#2023 las vegas gp#(i wish i could atop feeling insecure abt my gifs. i do it for fun.)#(of course i want them to look somewhat good but i get a bit ill over it)#(there was somw drama on here at some point that made me want to completely stop posting then ngl)#(cause like what is the point if im not as good as others ig :/ this is kinda vague posting but it made me so uncomfortable)#(as i said. i do it for fun in quick time bcs yay jsut wanna post smth i found cute)#(but ever sincce that thing happened its just made me extremely self critical and insecure abt posting)#(idk why im saying this. kinda repressing the urge tk be like 'SRY THESE ARE TERRIBLE. YEAH.')#(i need to sleep. but i often feel like this literally every time i post now bcs some people get on their high horse and ruin people's fun)#(iykyk ig. its smth bothering me lately. but i hate to act so morose. but i still feel bad abt the quality sometimes. i guess.)#we do a little bit of f1
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one of the things i'm most disappointed about is that da:tv will sell well. it's been designed to bring as much new players in as possible, and apparently a lot of people disappointed in it will still buy it on launch day. and ea will keep producing absolute steaming garbage with some ip slapped onto it just because it sells. theyre treating the series with as much respect as netflix originals with their medias.
#dragon age critical#like yeah sure whatever i get buying it on launch if youre a dragon age fan and starving for content#but i was there when andromeda was released#and while i think its a good game but a bad mass effect game. it was complete shit at launch.#but its ea so they can make anything and people will still buy it#im sorry im just. very exhausted by all this.#it hurts to see the game closest to my heart go to this#you guys know ive always been very ''inquisition is a good game but a bad dragon age game'' and going off about#this and that that i dont like about it bc it doesnt feel like a dragon age game anymore#with how you have little choice over many things and no character flavor and it frames things like cullens past and#well a fucking inquisition and claiming land in a way that makes me extremely uncomfortable#well. i didnt think ea could disappoint me more with any dragom age thing anymore#im still thinking about ppl behing veilguard not knowing who zevran is#idk im just heartbroken even though this is exactly what i expected#leevi liveblogs
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I think the main thing that pisses me off about like 90% of mephiles ships is that people will be like "how old is he??" Look that fanwiki says that he's ten and they RUN with it. Like they don't read further. I'm so convinced that most people don't even know the plot of 06 bc the shit I've seen people draw and write with the characters is just mind boggling.
#trash rambles#like yeah i understand thwt nearly all of the named sonic characters are either minors or unspecified#but like#even if he was actually ten#shipping him with other minor characters would be so weird 😭#plus i dont think it would even matter if he has actually a minor because that uncomfortable power dynamic would still be there with most#other characters#and like#god idk#the amount of dog shit mephiles ships i have to have blocked in my tags is extremely upsetting#LIKE. WDYM?#MARIA??????#STOP IT 😭#tikal makes more sense but that one still makes me uncomfortable#idk i dont even remember all the ones i blocked i just remember that find the maria posts was like#devistating#that and the one person who liked all my 06 posts and was a mephiles and elise shipper (theyre siblings to me so someone like that liking m#art of them is understanbly upsetting)#that being said how old do i think infinite is??? because he doesnt have an official age (that i could find)#personally i think hes anywhere from 19 (at the absolute youngest) to like. early 30s idk 💀#somewhere between thoes idk#the only version of him that has a 100% solid age in my head is for the ghost au and hes 22 in that (bc hes a junior in collage)#n e way#i just woke up so ignore if this is illegible#ugh idk i really try not to be gate-keepy about stuff i like because its annoying but like#i love 06 so much it kinda hurts tl see people just kinda not knowing even the basic plot or like. only going off the fandubs (which i#really enjoy but at a certain point you can only say mephiles is ur favorite and have people quote it at you or in the comments of your 06#posts so many times before you just like. idk. (also ive had people irl tell me 06 sucks after i told them directly it was my favorite sonic#game??? like??? bro you asked ME.))
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Finally saw Wicked today. I fear it is, in fact, actually all that and a bag of chips. Like it is genuinely that good
#ramblings of a lunatic#storywise i actually found that they were stretching act 1 a bit thin and it showed in the pacing#but in terms of execution of the musical numbers and aesthetic quality of the sets/costumes/etc???#ohhh bitch. I'm sorry im so fucking seduced by john chu's vision of oz#i am also on team 'this bitch should be more technicolour' but I'm also not a lighting/cinematography guy#like i like Pictures and Images but I'm shit at lighting + composing film shots so yknow. stones and glass houses and everything#anywayyy i love the wizard of oz im a little obsessed w the wziard of oz and all related properties maybe. maybe#god idk if I'd actually enjoy it but i would be really curious to read the book version of wicked. i know it's incredibly different#not just in terms of focus and content but also in terms of being very dense and reportedly a lot drier#but also i do want to see his vision very badly. like when he made oz a surveillance state?? that's smart! it's plainly in the og series!#it's just treated as normal there#but anyway yeah back to the musical i am NOT ashamed to admit i got full body chills during defying gravity#there were parts that were so. sincere and self serious and melodramatic that i couldn't help but love#like YES enough!! with the self referential ironic humour crammed into everything!!!#linger on a moment for far too long and make me sit uncomfortably in the saccharine melodrama!!! it's good for me!!!#the people want big budget fantasy musicals gang...they want razzle and dazzle and heartfelt song!!#and i agree with the ppl. i AM the ppl#wicked movie. good. i enjoy#might just be riding the high of watching it but like idc I'm allowed
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it’s so funny that I went into veilguard not knowing a single thing about plot or the companions and picked the one who is ace. how did I manage that
#I mean that with great joy#see I dared not hope that there could be some sort of choices in his writing#I don’t like to get my own hopes up + it still doesn’t occur to me that people would care enough to write a narrative#w a character who sneezes near the term asexual#but some of the stuff. yeah it kinda. kinda fits#I’m glad it sits in the background though bc I dunno if I could survive a sexuality talk#a lot of the lgbt stuff in veilguard I kinda. my eyes glaze over a bit#I like that it’s there though#idk my feelings about lgbt representation in media are layered + contradictory#Im kinda over stories of coming out esp when they feel like babies first duplo blocks of a coming out story#I like when the queerness is there and its conscious and it informs a charas choices and experiences#but their narrative isnt about teaching us#or if you’re gonna give me a coming out narrative for the love of god do something with it#make it uncomfortable! make it gnarly! make it full of conflict!#im tired and cranky sorry im gonna go to bed#owen plays dragon age
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Hey if you’re still enjoying and engaging with Harry Potter in any capacity you can unfollow me 😊 please and thank you
Like. I get it. I was super into it as a kid too. I did not have the social context to pick up on the antisemitism or transphobia or sexism or fatphobia or bioessentialism or racism or anything else. I also picked up on surface-level language of Fighting Back Against Evil and ascribed my own values onto what that meant and thought we were all on the same page. I remember when the original kids who grew up with the books started becoming adult fans and picking up on the (blatant!) antisemitism and everybody was still mostly willing to give JKR the benefit of the doubt on it. (“She was writing kids books!” They said. “She didn’t know she was penning a global phenomenon! She picked a common literary trend in European fairy tales (antisemitic caricature) and didn’t examine it closely. It’s a mistake anyone could make,” we said. “She would probably do things differently now. After all, she word-of-god confirmed the vaguest hints she dropped that Dumbledore might be gay,” we said.) There was actually a span of several years where biases inherent in the actual real content of the Harry Potter series were coming to light and even the people pointing them out still seemed mostly to think it was an unfortunate accident.
That time has passed. Years ago! We are long past the first months of “maybe she doesn’t realize this seemingly-feminist tweet she liked was made by a noted TERF” and then “how could she not realize that these many veiled TERF-y things she’s retweeted have implications for the many queer fans of her work” and finally “oh wow okay JKR just dropped an entire transphobic manifesto on twitter. I guess the transphobia was the point.”
Yeah, there were a few months after that where people were still processing and still working through how they felt about Harry Potter and all of its flaws with the context of the now open transphobia of the creator. I was there for that. Remember how I was one of the kids who built it up into something noble and worthwhile based on my own beliefs about what messages it was probably trying to convey? Turns out it wasn’t trying to say any of those things, and when you take the time to examine all of the terrible shit that made its way into the text whether JKR intended it to be there or not, the whole series falls apart. It’s weird to discover that there’s a room in your house that’s rotten to the core, but eventually you figure out you can’t live like that, still going in there and holding your nose and pretending it’s still the same room you thought it was when the termites were only inside of the walls and hadn’t yet started chewing their way through the furniture. Because what’s going to happen is that they are going to infest the rest of your house. If you decide you can ignore transphobia and antisemitism and everything else just because you liked the color of the wallpaper, the rest of your principles are going to crumble too. You get rid of that fucking room. You put those books on a high shelf in the back of your closet behind other outgrown clothes and interests and you move the fuck on.
JKR uses the money made from her transphobic antisemitic children’s books to actively funding hate groups and to lobby for legislation that will and has actually affected the actual lives of trans people in an entire country. We are past the point of grieving something you were wrong about in childhood. Kids are wrong about a lot of stuff. You grow up and you learn new information and you change your behaviors based on it. You have to choose. It is transphobic to pretend there is not transphobia where there is. It is transphobic to support the work of someone who is using those funds to take rights from trans people with every fucking dollar. It is hateful to continue to engage positively with a story that at its very core is rooted in hate and bigotry and prejudice. You can choose to do all of those things but you cannot claim ignorance of them and you cannot choose those things and still pretend that choosing them upholds the values we convinced ourselves that Harry Potter stood for over a decade ago as uninformed children. You cannot choose to do those things and pretend to still support your trans and queer and Jewish neighbors. I do not want you in my neighborhood. Leave.
#mine#Harry potter cw#yeah I don’t want to see or think about this shit either and I’m sure most of my followers are on the same page of just like. let’s wipe it#from the public consciousness and do our best to just completely ignore it and forget it existed and in doing so take away JKRs platform and#influence and also stop the continued harm the series will do by propagated hateful biases in people who continue to read it#but despite heavily culling my feed over the course of the past several years and thankfully mostly not seeing HP fandom things anymore#I’ve been seeing a lot of responses today to people defending it and honestly I forget that there are still people out there doing that who#think they are just fine and normal fandom people with non-hateful and terrible interests and it makes me so angry#maybe more so because like. I was there too! I was annoyingly obsessed with Harry Potter from the ages of idk seven? up until whenever JKR#started being openly transphobic. I have so much fucking knowledge about this book series that will never leave my brain. and yeah it was#weird and hard to have to rethink things and realize that no actually it does feel bad and uncomfortable to continue to be a fan even#passively of these books. it was a big part of my childhood and several of my friendships. I fully get it. I was the weird kid also.#it was weird and hard to say oh actually this sucks and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. but I did it! I got there! because it was#more important to care about real actual things and people than it is to fondly remember a book series for children.#and at the time it felt like maybe I did hang on a little longer than I could have and was a little later than some people and figuring out#my feelings and moving on from the whole thing. but it was still fucking years ago. and you’re still here?#because you like the color of the wallpaper in this shitty rotten broken down tacked on room? because we used to spend time there together?#buddy the room was giving us lead poisoning the whole time and the rest of us have accepted that and we are all outside doing other things.#you will find connection and community in so many places in your life. I promise. get the fuck out of that terrible awful room#and for gods sake stop bring out handfuls of mold you found under the floorboards and shoving it in our faces#nobody fucking wants this. we did it. we’re done.#so yeah I think I have an extra level of disdain because I know from personal experience that it’s not *that* fucking hard to care more#about real life trans people than about antisemitic children’s books.
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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.
Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.
#my characters#waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit#deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee#and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name#deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c#man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while#he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair#ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so#its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons#but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me#and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not#fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew#and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable#while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts#and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed#so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en#so you know maybe its that idk#and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now#and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it#and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad#that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal#and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it#the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer#anyway story time in the tags again#im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note#its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him#he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times#and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea#and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you
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The sick feeling you get in your stomach as an undiagnosed/closeted autistic hearing friends/loved ones make fun of or talk about "what's wrong with" the openly autistic people you know
#sometimes I think about telling certain people and then I'm reminded why I shouldn't <3#em rambles#autism#autistic#actually autistic#autistic things#ableism#even the people who do know are still iffy sometimes like you may think 'I usually don't get along with autistic people' is a compliment bu#it just makes me uncomfortable lmao#idk it's just like. yeah I don't 'seem' autistic with great intentionality around certain people because they've shown#me how unsafe it is lmao#I just hate that people think you're just quirky and different until you put the autistic label on it then there's something WRONG with you#or say you couldn't be autistic because there's nothing WRONG with you you're not THAT bad you're not LIKE THAT#I mean like. ideally I would like me telling people to expand people's ideas of what an autistic person looks/acts like but the sad reality#is that it'll just end in either disbelief or bullying#most likely#you know in ratatouille when remi thinks humans aren't so bad and then his dad shows him that shop with the dead rats and rat poison and#traps and the next morning remi tries walking down the street and people scream and throw stuff at him and call rats disgusting creatures#and he says 'I was reminded how fragile it all was'#that's the vibe as a closeted autistic lmao#you find people who accept you and think maybe it's not that dangerous. maybe it'd be okay#and then other people remind you why you mask in the first place#my autism is the rat hiding inside my hat
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i want to delete all of my works 😭
#idk why#i’m in a funk lately#PLUS minors are roaming around my blog and that makes me uncomfortable AF#but yeah.#super ick
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Man there's nothing wrong with genderbends as a concept but there's something lowkey infuriating about this fandom's tendency to take canonically gay (or at least, MLM) male characters and genderbend them into women like. Is that not at least a little bit uncomfortable for anyone else here or is it just me
#esp since like for example you never see it happen to any of the female/sapphic characters#could just be bc TF's cast is overwhelmingly male and thus ppl want to even the gender ratio a little#but like. ppl spend more time genderbending male characters into women than they do making content for canon women including the sapphics#discourse#like idk sometimes if the art is really good or if i'm in a really good mood i'm like 'yeah this is fine. i admit i like it'#but then there's other times where i'm like. did you rly think it was a good idea to turn a canon gay man into a woman in your AU#like. really really?#idk it's just one of those things where as a baseline i understand genderbend and even enjoy them myself#it's just in this fandom specifically where the way ppl do it sometimes. feels uncomfortable. or at least poorly thought out#that or it's just me getting annoyed by ppl going 'omg i love TF women' and then making 0 content for them#and then complaining that there's not enough female characters#like okay you literally dont even pay attention to the women who are there and just make fanart of men and m/m stuff#kinda feels like you should either put your money where your mouth is or stop complaining about it#or maybe start supporting franchises that actually have even gender balances instead of inventing representation#that only exists in your brain/friend group and the ppl actually making shows (or watching them) dgaf about
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oh gamers we’re in the discomfort of the eyrie being referred to as a bunboy
#anyway yeah it makes me uncomfortable for them to be called a bun boy#I know it’s said w affection a lot of the time but like. I’ve grown to not like eyrie being called that#it’s a good chunk of just a gender thing#but there’s a part of how I don’t like how cutesy it is#it leans a bit too much into the cutesy + feminine thing#to where I’m not esp comfortable w it being directed at eyrie#like if its ur jam its ur jam idc enough like u do u#I just don’t like eyrie being called a bun boy#idk it’s eyrie. they are a viera#owen talks#me grabbing the microphone I am fully aware they are pixels and pixels w big fuck ass ears and a funny lil nose but let me have this pls
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I know it’s international asexuality day and we’re supposed to be proud of being ace and all. But idk. That’s hard when I really really hate that I’m ace. Being a cisgender heteroromantic sex-repulsed ace is not exactly a fun or positive experience for me. It is just me feeling lonely and defective and wrong all the fucking time. Like that’s genuinely great for all the aces and aro people out there who love it and can take pride in it. You’re valid and you’re not broken and I’m happy for you that you can embrace and celebrate this part of your identity, I genuinely am. But for me personally, I would give just about anything to not be ace, I hate it so much. Being ace has never not once done a single good for me.
#I’m sorry#but I just want to be normal#Yeah yeah yeah I know internalized acephobia and all that#but idk#being ace has genuinely never resulted in a single good thing for me#very very hard not to hate it when it only ever makes life more difficult for you#idk maybe it’s just that it combines with my other trauma and shit but like#I still hate it and would give almost anything to not be this way#I want to be lovable#I want to be able to be in a normal healthy romantic relationship#instead of being terrified of them and sabotaging everything because the person will want to have sex#And the thought of having sex with anyone is literally panic inducing#Anyways#please ignore me#im just being emo and sad#Because I have such an intense crush on someone right now#And I can’t pursue it because I’m ace and he’d want things from me and I’m just. I just can’t#I can’t even talk about being ace to people because no one gets it and it makes me soo uncomfortable to have to talk about it or explain it#so yeah he’s so nice and I really really really like him. But like every other of the few times I’ve been romantically attracted to someone#I’m not gonna act on it because I’m fucking ace and I’m gonna be alone my whole fucking life#Because no one would ever want to be with me given the way I am#God#sorry please just ignore me#Personal
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i'm so glad i won't be working with my pi after this month. i think i've reached my limit. i just can't deal with her anymore
#she said 'oh idk if i can make it to your thesis'#SHE IS ON MY THESIS COMMITTEE. SHE'S KNOWN ABOUT THIS FOR A YEARRRRRR#she said she might be on vacation w her bf... instead of going to my fucking thesis defense.#there was a special vote just so she could be on my committee. wdym you have to go on vacation#ALSO i've been asking her to check my calculations for a thing for MONTHS#and she still hasn't. but she made me present on it in front of a bunch of people.#i'd like to note that this calculation is like. the point of my thesis. and she hasn't even bothered to look at it#she forced the interns to work 50 hours last week. they're only being paid for 40.#she hasn't read any part of my thesis... others have but they don't know the details like she does#i told her to read my fucking thesis and she said she had and that it 'looked good'#what does that mean. WHAT does that mean. how do you have no comments. on my thesis. that determines whether i graduate#and then she said i'm ''irresponsible'' bc i went to a concert???#like it didn't affect anything. i showed up to work on time. i completed everything i meant to.#but i guess going to one concert is like. unacceptable.#i'm sooooo sorry i decided to go have fun for one night instead of agonizing about my thesis (that again. she hasn't read)#she asked if i want to give a talk at the new place she got hired at but she now works for fus#which is a incredibly conservative homophobic private catholic university. i've never heard anything positive about it#like they're legally allowed to discriminate against lgbt people... does she know what i fucking look like????#she's so so conservative but she only interacts with other conservative catholics#and doesn't understand how fucking vile her views are. and she wonders why people don't like her#like maybe she should shut the fuck up about how she thinks abortion is a sin at work!!#she once said 'the only time i feel uncomfortable in my skin is when i talk about being a conservative catholic at work'#AND THEN SHE SAID 'it really makes me understand how hijabis feel'#IN FRONT OF MY HIJABI COLLEAGUE. HELLO???? like she is not persecuted for being a conservative catholic#i literally started laughing when she said that. i think i said 'please get real'. and she's still mad#anyway. my colleague decided to no longer work with my pi. idk if it was bc of that comment#she mentioned that once i leave there won't be anyone who understands the data on the project anymore#like yeah. maybe you should've looked at the data. like at all#and not had an unpaid master's student do literally all the work for you
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hey excuse me bc this is tmi and i’m openly very very much exposing myself as the adult virgin i am but like…
how does anyone with a vagina literally deal with the aftermath of sex?? specifically if you use lube??? bc i just got an internal ultrasound done this morning (🫣) and i’ve been literally leaking lube at every turn. i’ve peed, rinsed, and wiped multiple times like i’ve BEEN up in there today but alas my vagina has been uncomfortably moist all day 😔
#on another note the woman who was doing it for me told me that oh don’t worry it’s basically the size of a tampon#the wand i mean#and NO IT WASNT#it had to have literally been six-seven inches and the width of the top of a glass beer bottle#idk what that part is called lol#and i’m literally sore bc that thing had to be twisted and poked at every crevice bc my doctor needs a look at my ovaries so um#but the technician was so so nice and made everything really comfortable and consistently checked in so 👍#i hope both sides of her pillow are cool tonight#on another note she was so concerned about me being uncomfortable with the vagina ultrasound that she suggested doing it RECTALLY#apparently it’s more comfortable ?#i doubt it tho lol but she was really sweet about everything#ANYWAYS#yeah let me know if sex really does make you ushy gushy all day pls bc i’m an adult virgin so#i’d like to know bc i really don’t think someone’s gonna sleep with me any time soon#notsfw#tmi
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kind of annoys me sometimes how I can happily listen to my roommate explain the entire plot of whatever she's currently into but when it comes to my interests she can only listen for a few mins before wordlessly walking out of the room
#ive only slept 4 hours and its a sunday so im probably just cranky and getting irrationally annoyed idk.#but i wanted to talk abt revenant gun bc im enjoying it and havent gotten to discuss it w anyone :-(#i dont wanna post on here bc i dont wanna see spoilers and i dont have anything to say that other fans would find particularly interesting#ik half the arcs of the veilguard characters despite the fact ill never play it bc i like listening to her + hearing her opinions#but damn i guess she doesnt gaf shes got better things to do. im not being fair i get we jusr socialise differently n thats fine.#and ik its not true but sometimes i feel like she doesnt like being around me very much bc shes always halfway out the door#and she doesnt suggest we watch shit together anymore n has turned me down the last few times ive suggested it#but ik shes doing shit w other ppl shes always calling n playing games n stuff w other friends so well maybe its a little true#and she acts so strange around me sometimes like she'll move to the other side of the room if i go open the fridge or whatever#like damn girl im not gonna fucking bite u. whats up with the constant 5ft distance. bc u dont ever do that with other friends just me.#and then it pisses me off when it sort of comes up as a side thing to smth else bc it ONLY ever comes up around other ppl she'll never#bring it up directly with me and she'll blame it on me as if we havent had this conversation multiple times where ive explained exactly#why im weird abt shit sometimes and where my boundaries are and what i would like and then nothing at all changes#like last time she brought it up around another friend she was like oh well we can hug more if u want like no we fucking cant bc u act#like we're magnetically repulsed u hate me being in ur space and only tolerate it when we're around other ppl which is why it makes ME#uncomfortable when she does try to be physically affectionate or whatever bc she 100% exclusively does it in front of others#like man u dont have to put on a fucking performance??? or even worse do it just bc u feel guilty abt leaving me out i hate being pitied#even if ik i very obviously do get hurt at being left out. but thats my problem man i would never fuck w someone elses boundaries#i hate hate hate when ppl have inconsistent conditional boundaries and never communicate what the fucking conditions are so theyre#constantly moving the benchposts around and acting unpredictably like how am i supposed to know where they are!!!!!! please#snd then so embarrassing to pointedly say its bc of MY behaviour in front of someone else like oh ok. u couldnt have told me this before.#in private so we could actually communicatr. sorry this has gotten so off track im feeling so gross this morning and everything is#frustrating me im so tired i feel nauseous ughhhh#okay well anyway. got my list of tasks lets just focus on this shit instead before i spend yet another sunday miserably ruminating#.vent#im not actually mad at her or anything like i said we just socialise differently we have different incompatible flavours of autism#and thats not her fault but its just so frustrating that we cant seem to communicate very well. i think im allowed to be frustrated#anyway yeah sorry im leaving it im leaving it. i should go polish my boots before i shower
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