#yeah i would absolutely not write this paragraph this way NOW but i am still so proud of what it represents in the story

[compacflt]

i'm so curious: what's your favorite thing you've written? something that makes you nod and go, "yeah, that's it right there. i did that." just the best combination of words you've ever churned out in your personal opinion. it makes you proud just Thinking about it. could be a sentence, a paragraph, etc.

very cute ask anon, thank you. im going to assume for your benefit that you mean specifically my icemav writing—obviously I write outside of top gun and am very proud of that stuff but it wouldn’t make sense out of context.

There’s a lot of more recent stuff that I’m extremely extremely proud of on a technical level, but I’m prouder of this paragraph below on a deeper more existential level.

This paragraph was one of the first parts of WWGATTAI i ever wrote—august 12, i think, well before I had fully realized the characters’ voices or their attitudes towards life/each other; I only had about 5k written of what is now a 300k+ project (at the time of writing this paragraph i wanted it to be 10k max) and had no real outline, didn’t know who or what I was dealing with, hadnt seen TGM in two months, had done no research (so it’s not at all politically/militarily accurate or anything, why the FUCK is ice going to fucking GUAM)—and STILL this wound up being my favorite paragraph in the entire fucking series. not to suck my own dick or anything. I’m STILL so proud of this paragraph, 9 months and 275k+ words later, even though i Absolutely Would Not write it this way now.

[oceansprompts]

text message prompts

[text] You okay?

[text] GO TO BED!

[text] hey you better be alive in there

[text] SOS save me please holy shit

[text] call me this date is going so bad

[text] I have way too much shit to do.

[text] Honestly I'm really worried about you.

[text] Why are you trending on Twitter?

[text] Please let me come over and pet your (pet).

[text] We are in the same building, you could come talk to me.

[text] It's not going to work out.

[text] This is a terrible idea.

[text] people have fetishes

[text] They really do crucify anyone these days huh

[text] I don't know why but that really means me want to stab you

[text] That movie was awful.

[text] For the love of god please help me

[text] I fucked up. I fucked up really bad.

[text] I'm blocking you.

[text] YOU ONE BRAINCELLED BITCH

[text] I regret swiping right.

[text] Everyone lies on their dating profiles.

[text] That absolutely can't be an actual picture of you.

[text] This forced open my third eye and I saw the devil

[text] I'm like a child in line for the newest fucked up disney ride

-

[text] That's just all fucking sorts of fucked up

[text] Why are we here? To suffer? Every other day I get messages that cause pain

[text] In the department of old man fucking, we've got you beat.

[text] have you gotten any work done?

[text] I am beyond shame, try again

[text] You left your left your underwear at my place.

[text] Don't you dare put this on Facebook.

[text] My brother in Christ you're being haunted

[text] I want to wring you like a wet towel and slap you against a wall

[text] The mind is weak but the body is funky

[text] I'm a zombie the law can't stop me.

[text] Jealous of my massive honkers

[text] We left you to die to play minecraft

[text] She would never ever take away one of these stupid fucking hats

[text] I puked all over the Uber driver's backseat.

[text] I just took a screenshot of that and posted it to Reddit

[text] You said you'd be right back and it's been months.

[text] Can't we talk about this face to face?

[text] Yeah, you'll come learn I just have a thing for milk

[text] Why did you like one of my pics from 2014?

[text] Now's as good a time as any to exchange nudes.

[text] Why would you send me an eggplant emoji?

[text] I write five paragraphs, pouring my heart out, and all you reply with is k?!

[text] Who would dare to lie on the internet?

[text] When I die, please delete all my shit off the internet

[text] He's so hot, I briefly started texting like a straight person

[text] And because I'm god and I've decided that; no, in fact, I'm not done.

-

[text] I know you love bloopy reggae jams, now is not the time.

[text] You better not be standing catatonic in your room again.

[text] God has abandoned his children but unfortunately for you I pay child support and I will smite thee.

[text]: My neighbor just told me he can fix my water heater for 50 bucks. I’m skeptical.

[text]: Do you have any idea how much it costs to buy apples? I paid 10 dollars for 6.

[text]: I mean, I wouldn’t say I have a problem with buying Squishmallows..

[text]: Hey, so you know how you told me no dog? *sends pic* I don’t do well with no’s.

[text] Stuart Little is a bitch and Remy could take him any day.

[text]: My roommate just said that Lola Bunny is hot. I’m moving out.

[text]: Hey I posted that vid of you drunk, singing Ariana Grande, wearing all black and people said not to do it again. Sorry.

[text]: Do you think the price is ever right? Like, I feel like it’s not.

[text]: I booped your nose. Boop the last five people you texted or–nothing happens really.

[text]: I’m actually in the ER and it’s a long story that involves Best Day Ever from spongebob.

[text]: I fucking hate you–wait you’re not my ex. Who are you?

[text]: You ever ask yourself if birds see a bee and just go ‘wow a bee’? im high.

[text]: sometimes all i think about is–sour patch kids. bet you thought it was you.

[text]: I love you—not as much as I love my dog. But still a lot!

[text]: I found a cat on the way home and now it’s mine. But it hates my guts so this should be fun.

[text]: I have questions about the marvel cinematic universe…how long do you have?

[text]: why do donald duck and winnie the pooh not have to wear pants but other people do?

[text]: Hey you know that show floor is lava? I may have turned the apartment into that..this isn’t a joke, btw. the floor is sticky.

[text]: I bought too much soap off etsy and now I don’t know what to do with it…I smell like Captain America.

[text]: On a scale of one to ten, how many drinks would you need to sleep with me? This isn’t a tiktok trend…or it is.

[pastanest]

Spencer Reid x gn!reader

A/N: been gone for a hot minute due to personal circumstances but just wanted to drop a lil something (that anyone who watches Doctor Who will be able to tell I started writing a BIT ago given the references here lol) to let you guys know I’m still kickin it <3

warnings: slight hint at an age gap but nothing specific

A Smile

You can imagine the rest of the team would be floored to hear that Spencer has actually exchanged texts with you on a multitude of occasions, outside of professional settings. Numbers were swapped on your first day, naturally, and to begin with you only dared text Spencer if you had absolutely no other choice (if another member of the team could text him, you’d busy yourself to ensure they would, rather than ask you, to save you the embarrassment). But, ever since the first occasion that you texted Spencer a random question out of hours - regarding trivia you definitely hadn’t spent a concerning amount of time deciding on before you sent it to him - you have formed a bond that’s unspoken beyond typed words.

You: so, are you looking forward to the 60th Anniversary? :P

As you hit send, you roll onto your bed, grinning giddily down at your phone. In no more than a few seconds, your screen tells you that your beloved genius is already typing back to you, and within a minute, you receive the paragraph you’d anticipated.

Spencer: Absolutely. The revival of Russel T. Davies’ era, coupled with the return of Murray Gold’s legendary scores, are sure to ignite the spark of nostalgia that the show has been missing for some time. In particular, I am looking forward to seeing how Russel will format this new regeneration of the Doctor, and how many references to his predecessors will decorate the anniversary episodes, especially. I take it you are excited for the anniversary episodes, too, hence the question?

His formality and enthusiasm being conveyed in a way that is so distinctly Spencer, even over text, is enough to have you giggling. You know by now that if you ask something about one of Spencer’s interests, whether it be facts, statistics, generalized trivia, questions, literature, Star Trek or, in this case, Doctor Who, there is no way he can downplay his excitement.

You: knew it! :D and yeah, I'm super excited!!

Mostly, you are thrilled by the thought of discussing the episodes at great length with Spencer for weeks after they’ve aired, but you keep that safely in the subtext of your conversation.

Spencer: Of course you knew. Perhaps we could share a live commentary on the anniversary episodes, if we’re not otherwise engaged with a case?

Only Spencer Reid can make your heart stop with a suggestion like that. Before you can consider any consequences, you are frantically typing back to him.

You: I’d love that! will the commentary be by text or call?

He is typing the moment your message reaches him, his ability to read at what you consider to be the speed of light making for a wonderfully speedy texting partner in every conversation you have.

Spencer: Either is fine, but if we aren’t away on a case, I must admit the idea of experiencing the episodes together in person would be most preferable. It eradicates the risk of our viewings not being synced up or our call connection potentially spoiling the immersion. What do you think?

And just like that, he’s stopped your heart again. In fact, you truly have to consider whether Spencer Reid has figured out a means of reaching through his phone to yours, to snatch your heart right out of your chest. As though he hadn’t already stolen it on the day you met.

You: I think you’re right, like always, Doctor Reid :P

That’s a rational reply, you think. Not too eager. Not the resounding ‘yes’ that every fiber of your being is screaming. In the chess game that is how-to-text-Spencer-Reid, you have marked yourself as the queen. He’d tell you that’s not how chess works, but he’d probably also agree.

Spencer: I’m far from right “always”, but I very much appreciate that you think so.

You’re about to reply, when another text appears on your screen.

Spencer: (:

Doctor Spencer Reid has double-texted you. And, not only that, he’s sent you a smiley face. This is unprecedented. Your jaw drops.

You: omg you did not just send that

Honestly, your life is flashing before your eyes as you lie on your bed. Is this the power of your influence? Could you truly indoctrinate older men into sending emojis? Could this really be you?

Spencer: I most certainly did. I’ll even do it again.

Spencer: (:

He had to send it as a separate text. He couldn’t just add the smiley face to the end of his original message. No, of course he couldn’t.

You: omg who are you!!

You’re laughing now. Actually, properly laughing at the ridiculousness of this situation. Wait until Penelope hears about this.

Spencer: I don’t think these suit me very much, but they are fun. What about this one - 🙂

This is going too far. You’ve played God. You’ve flown too close to the sun. You’ve created a monster in the form of Spencer Reid using emojis while still being so formal. Still, you can’t deny that this is perhaps the funniest conversation you have ever had, with anyone, specifically because it perfectly demonstrates the unique humor shared between the two of you.

You: woah! careful! don’t push it, genius!!

And, in response to that, Spencer Reid is left with a philosophical question he has never before pondered: how does one convey sincere laughter via text? This reply takes him the longest, because he has to consider it very carefully. He wants it to indicate how funny he did find your message, and does find you, in general. He wants it to be obvious in its intent and impossible to misunderstand. So, after four minutes, you receive a text that has you laughing so hard you very nearly fall off of your bed.

Spencer: Haha.

Sometimes, that’s simply how your text conversations with Spencer end. While he does, generally, prefer a more traditional ending in the form of a goodnight text (that he actually makes the effort to sign off with a “- Spencer x”, like it’s a handwritten letter), he enjoys the nuances of an open end, on the basis it means a conversation with you doesn’t have to end. Only has to pause, temporarily, until one of you picks it back up again. There is something poetic, Spencer thinks, to the notion of you being his constant both in metaphor and literally in a text conversation that isn’t formally closed. That door is left open to you, much like the door to his heart is.

And that night, he closes his eyes with a smile on his face at the thought of you, everything you are, everything you make him feel. Everything that makes you, you, and how that makes you everything to him.

A text could never truly convey the heaven that you bring to him by existing, but just like proposing plans to watch Doctor Who with you, it’s a good place to start.

[youhideastar]

Rule of Law: Deleted Endings

A couple of folks have indicated that they'd be interested in seeing the many, many failed attempts I had at drafting an ending to Rule of Law. 😂 Truly, the ending persecuted me for days. It's like that Edison quote about learning 200 ways not to make a lightbulb. Anyway, if you are interested, read on!

There's a piece of writing advice that, if you can't write anything good to follow a particular line/paragraph, you should delete the line/paragraph. It crossed my mind many times that this advice was maybe correct and I should therefore delete the lines:

“Mn.” Lan Wangji rises to his feet, and Lan Jingyi joins him. “This person would also need a strong sense of justice. A strong work ethic. And a sense of humor.” He studies the young man before him, who was once a small, loud boy with a habit of interrupting Lan Wangji’s lessons to ask impertinent questions. “Lan Jingyi. I am proud of you.”

Because I was having a devil of a time following them. But my gut told me that I absolutely should not do that. That those lines were very, very important to the emotional core of the fic. And now that I have figured out how to end it, I'm so glad I kept them. The fic needs them.

But yeah... what comes next? The problem is that those lines have the feel of an ending to them already--but they're not quite enough to wrap up the fic, to tie a bow on it. I got the idea to have Jingyi say he was proud of Lan Wangji in return quite early, but discarded it since it would be such a violation of the norms of their society. I eventually decided to go with it anyway, but only after approximately a dozen alternatives:

#1:

For a moment, they pause on the porch, looking out over the mass of cultivators who have come for the conference: rogue cultivators in homespun and rich young masters in fine brocade; juniors looking around with awe and elders conversing in somber tones. Across the yard, Luo Qingyang is deep in discussion with Meishan Yu’s head disciple, holding Little Mianmian’s hand. Nie Huaisang is fluttering his fan; Wen Ning is crouched amid a gaggle of children, letting them trace their fingers over the black veins on his neck.

“I can take those for copying,” Lan Jingyi says, holding out his hands for the stack of papers. He smiles again. “I think you have someone to meet.”

“Mn.”

Lan Wangji entrusts the papers to Lan Jingyi and turns his steps toward the back hill.

Wrong - takes the focus off of LJY and LWJ, but the very last line would make it into the final version.

#2:

As they depart the office, Lan Jingyi asks, “What’s going to happen tomorrow?”

“I do not know,” Lan Wangji replies.

Lan Jingyi smiles. “Yeah. I guess that’s the point.”

Who decides?

“Indeed.”

The proposals have been gathered. Their fate is no longer in his hands.

Lan Wangji entrusts the stack of papers to Lan Jingyi, and turns his steps toward the back hill.

He thinks he hears the sound of a flute.

The early parts of this are actually fine, but they're still not an ending, and the transition to the bit about the back hill was brutally abrupt and would not smooth out no matter what I did.

#3:

“Who knows if the rule will even make it into the book.”

“We cannot know,” Lan Wangji agrees. Now, he smiles. “But I will vote for it.”

“Thank you, Hanguang-jun.” He laughs. The sound is slightly watery. “And thank you for—doing all this just based on my wild idea.”

This material is all fine but is not getting us closer to an ending.

#4:

He coughs. “Anyway, let me take those for copying. You have a meeting with a rogue cultivator to get to.”

Lan Wangji raises an eyebrow, but hands over the stack of paper. “I was unaware,” he says.

“As your assistant, I know these things,” Lan Jingyi says, grinning. “He’s on the back hill. With his donkey.”

“Ah.”

The beginning of the phase where I thought I needed to go out on an explicitly Wangxian note. There are going to be a lot of these and they're all wrong, because the ending needs to be about Lan Jingyi. He's the heart. Of the fic, and of the reason I wrote the fic.

#5:

He coughs. “Anyway. Let me take those for copying; you have… somebody to meet, don’t you?”

Lan Wangji does not ask how Lan Jingyi knows: it is the job of a good assistant to know these things. “Mn.” He hands the stack of papers over. It feels heavier than the mere weight of the paper.

Substantially similar to the last one and wrong for the same reason.

#6:

As they walk onto the porch, he says cheerfully, “Even if no one votes for it tomorrow, I’ll always have that.”

“Mn,” Lan Wangji agrees. At the next bend in the path that leads to the Jingshi, a figure is leaning against a lantern stand. Dangling from his hands, Lan Wangji can make out two jars of Emperor’s Smile. “Good night, Lan Jingyi.”

“Good night, Hanguang-jun.”

I really wanted the fic to be canon-compliant, which would mean WWX would meet LWJ in the back hill, but by this point I was desperate and was willing to sacrifice canon-compliance if it could get me an ending that didn't suck. Spoiler alert: it couldn't.

#7:

As they walk onto the porch, papers in hand, Lan Jingyi says, “Let me take those for copying – it looks like you’ve got a meeting.”

Lan Wangji follows his gaze. There, in the bend of the path, is a figure in black – facing away, and holding two dangling jars of Emperor’s Smile.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Wrong, wrong, wrong-ola.

#8:

As they walk onto the porch, Lan Wangji asks, “Are the preparations for tomorrow complete?”

Lan Jingyi smiles. “Almost. Just waiting on one last guest.” Putting on an air of innocence, he offers, “Should I go to the back hill to meet him?”

“No need,” says Lan Wangji, with a small smile of his own. “I know where to find him.”

Cute! But no. WWX shows up exactly the right amount in this fic. Any more is too much.

#9:

In silence, they carry the stack of papers out of Lan Wangji’s office, through the paths of Cloud Recesses—crowded, now, with guests for tomorrow’s conference—to the scribes’ hall.

At the door, the chief scribe greets them with a polite smile and bow. “Hanguang-jun. Lan-shao-gongzi. Is the compilation complete?”

Lan Wangji nods, and hands her the file. Her eyes widen when she takes it from him.

“It’s heavy,” she says.

It is. Lan Wangji had noticed that himself. There is more than paper and ink carried in those pages.

New direction: we're going to actually take the rules for copying, and therefore go out focusing on the rules rather than LJY and LWJ. Not a bad idea thematically! But it just didn't work.

#10:

At the closed door, they pause.

“Hanguang-jun,” Lan Jingyi whispers, “Do you ever wish we just—picked the best rules ourselves and got rid of the rest?”

Who decides?

“No.”

Then, unexpectedly, Lan Jingyi smiles. “Yeah,” he says. “Me neither.”

Together, they knock on the door.

This one would borrow the first few lines of the last one - carrying the papers to the scribes again. This one is, hopefully, redundant. If you get this far in the fic and still don't understand that LWJ shouldn't pick the rules, I've failed.

#11:

As they walk out onto the porch, Lan Jingyi blurts, “Hanguang-jun knows this junior has a history of disregarding proper etiquette and seniority, so this junior hopes Hanguang-jun will forgive him for saying he’s—he’s proud of you, too.”

Lan Wangji pauses, and turns to face his assistant, who blushes.

“Everyone knows you didn’t really want this job,” Lan Jingyi mumbles. “Hanguang-jun worked hard and gave up a lot. So. This junior is proud.”

After having tried what felt like literally everything else, I decided to try having LJY say he was proud of LWJ in return, to see if it would write. It would!! Not like this, though--too clunky--so one more iteration was required.

#12 (final version):

Lan Jingyi blinks hard for a moment, then looks away. “Thank you, Hanguang-jun.”

As they step onto the porch, Lan Jingyi clutches the file of proposals to his chest and blurts out, “This junior is proud of you, too, Hanguang-jun.”

It is, of course, a breach of etiquette and seniority for a junior to speak to Lan Wangji in such a way.

But if Lan Wangji placed a higher value on etiquette and seniority than on sincerity, he would have selected a different assistant.

“Mn,” says Lan Wangji, with a rare smile. Then he turns away and sets out for the path that will lead him to the back hill.

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed!

[queen--kenobi]

Hi, I'm the anon who said about table sex. I made some criticism which you took the wrong way, your friends butted in and said nasty stuff to me, and I said nasty stuff back. It just escalated out of control.

If you were more humble then maybe you would see I was merely offering feedback. I did point out the good qualities of your fic.

Someone then took my anon identity and roleplayed as me on someone's blog saying I rode my ex on my parents coffee table. It's actually not me. The table incident I spoke about involved my husband and the dining table. Without going into detail, it was awkward, uncomfortable and impossible. People who say otherwise are lying. Unless you try it then you don't know. RL is not like fanfic.

I am feeling very lonely and low just now, enough to contemplate what the point of existence. Then I see your ridiculous table sex challenge and I am crying. You just keep making a fool out of me. You're obviously not a popular blog so you're now milking your five seconds of fame at my expense just to get attention. This is even worse when people hated on me for saying blood and cheese needed to happen and they deserved it. And I stand by that. Daemon did what he had to do.

I am still really upset not that you care. I felt guilty at upsetting you but not now. You're rude arrogant and vain. Your friends reblog your fic with out reading. That's why no comment nearly or reviews. Your story sounds like a turtle tried to write it and then gave up. You probably use AI. Your a bad writer and an even worse person. Your beta should be locked up in English jail they are the worst betas I have ever seen. You're a huge turd and I absolutely despise you. Never speak to me again Percy

Okay so, I had to take a minute to sit down and think about my response. This is actually going to be my last response because we're at the point where nothing productive is going to come of this

I did acknowledge your criticism in the first anon you sent to me. Is that fic perfect? No. As I said, I'm probably going to rework that fic. But a lot of your points were just... Not valid? One of them was but the rest were obviously to try and hurt my feelings

And you truly expect me to believe someone just took your anon identity? Like sure, yeah, they could have. But I doubt it. It sounds like a cop out

Also, love how you try to act like you're the victim but then add that last paragraph. Bestie, it's giving "I didn't really mean what I said"

And yk what? It's not arrogant and vain if I can back it up. Tbh if you genuinely think I'm that way you have not been paying attention and/or haven't ever actually bothered to talk to me

Also you're the one that came back! If you don't want to speak to me, quit coming into my house!

But

To get serious for a minute. You do not know me, and I do not know you. To put your mental health on a stranger is irresponsible, especially when you make it sound like you're going to hurt yourself. I am not responsible for what you do. You are responsible for your own actions, not me. If you are truly suicidal or wanting to hurt yourself, please. Get off the internet and find a professional to talk to. I'm not saying that to be funny. I am saying that as genuine life advice

[blakbonnet]

[graphic by @ofmdlovelyletters]

AUTHOR OF THE WEEK: @monksofthescrew

Our final feature of this week's AOTW is the lovely and always kind Hugo ♥️ Getting to know her these past few weeks has been such a joy and it's so not a surprise that they're such an earnest and fluffy writer, with oodles of love for their friends and the show. Please read on to find out about Hugo's secret sorrow (the word she thinks she uses a lot):

What's your writing process like? Do you start with the beginning or the end? Do you write in order or as the scenes come to you?

I generally start with the beginning and write forward, but then I like to outline retroactively and see if there are any chunks that would be better suited elsewhere in the story. I sometimes have to scribble down an idea for a later scene when it comes to me, but then I sometimes forget to return to it, or figure out that it doesn't fit after all. And sometimes it's not so much a scene as it is a *vibe*, and sometimes it's just, like, a mini-revelation about the emotional arc, or some other little tidbit. I'm definitely still trying to find the right process, though, because mine is absolutely unreliable and I haven't finished anything at all or even really managed to work meaningfully on anything in an age and a half.

Favourite Ed or Stede characteristic or mannerism that are dear to you (Ed liking marmalade, Stede and burying his feelings, etc)?

Yes, Ed's sweet tooth is important to me. Yes, Stede saying one single, heavily veiled thing once and being like, "I have now bared my entire soul to you, right?" is important to me. Ed's brilliance is non-negotiable. Their mutual softness is very important to me. Yeah, their shitty fucking dads are really important to me. Both their childlike qualities and their age. Shearwater pointed out that Stede has so much love to give that he's never been allowed to give before and Ed needs so much love and never having had anyone to give it to him, and I can't stop seeing that now. The way they instantly know one another on a level neither of them has ever experienced before.

What is the one word that you think you use a lot?

HEEDLESS for fucks' sake. Also STEEL as a verb. Is it the double Es? Why am I like this?

Do you have a beta reader? Have they made you a better writer?

YES. I have been swapping betas with @xoxoemynn for, oh my god, two years this August (happy almost-anniversary, darling) and not only has Marianne made my writing better (it was at her prompting that I ended up writing some of my very favorite paragraphs I have ever written) but beta-reading *her* writing has made me a better writer, and also a better thinker. Marianne is absurdly generous with the sandbox that is her brilliant mind and her open heart, and thinking and talking through ideas and theories with her has taught me so much about storytelling.

Why OFMD?

I think the characters, both as written and acted, have so much complexity and nuance, and there's so much room for interpretation, which makes this such a fun sandbox to play in. The canon can support practically any reading. Also, this fandom boasts a really mind-boggling amount of talent, and some of the absolutely loveliest people I've ever had the good fortune to meet.

Please head over to @ofmdlovelyletters and send your love for Hugo and all your favourite authors (and authors of the week 😈 watch that blog for some special letters coming your way)

[serial-serializednovelreader]

Nova’s Thoughts - Dracula Daily - August 24

In which Mina and Jonathan are reunited at last!!!

Even if Lucy wasn’t eager to hear everything (and I’m sure she is) I am!!! Tell me everything bestie!!!

The way Mina can *immediately* see the toll Dracula has taken on Jonathan…. :(

That being said, I love that Mina knows Jonathan remembers more than he lets on, that he’s keeping it from her in part to protect her and in part to protect himself. Again, she’s so smart!

Sister Agatha is the ultimate shipper for this couple: “hey girl I can’t tell you what he’s been through *but* he didn’t cheat :)” QUEEN 👏👏👏👏👏👏

Mina: “as if I would be jealous! That’s silly. But also thank you that helps”

I really do feel like Jonathan’s head spinning is due to something more than just it being overwhelming for him…leftover influence from Dracula, perhaps?

I love that he trusts her enough to let her read the book if she wants to — this is one of my favorite parts of their romance <3333333

Plus he even puts a caveat in place for her to tell him what’s in it even though he refuses to talk about it right now!!! I don’t know why that part sticks with me, but it does :)

My blorbos got married!!!!!!!! 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳 congrats to them 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶

Him being firm and strong in his words while he’s weak physically while she’s almost unable to speak from crying and is ok physically! I love the contrast of this 😭😭😭😭😭

“oh, Lucy, it is the first time I have written the words 'my husband'” — I seem to recall a certain diary entry that says otherwise, but I think she means the first time she’s written this with Jonathan as her husband. I refuse to believe Mina hasn’t written “my husband” about Jonathan several times in her diary margins :D

And now my *other* favorite part of this entry — the wedding present. Mina “returning” the notebook to Jonathan and sealing it with wax and her wedding ring is so 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶 AHHHHH! I just love it because it’s a sign of trust for them!!!! She’s letting him know she won’t open it without him knowing about it (something he likely was worried about, but didn’t show for her sake). Plus, she promises not to open it unless she absolutely has to, despite her obvious curiosity (she is studying journalism, after all and the situation does involve 💕her husband💕)

The fact he was going to even tell her a part of his past just to show her how much he appreciated the present (but couldn’t)…DRACULA WHEN I CATCH YOU—

Emotions aside, I wonder what he was going to share with her? Shaving mirror incident? The lizard climb down the castle? Something more dark? I feel like he would’ve shared something medium bad — not too horrifying, but bad enough to justify a shock. It’s pretty bad that I can’t obviously guess which incident he could share because there are *so* many to choose from here :(

Their pledge sealed with a kiss 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

HER PARAGRAPH TO LUCY IS UNBELIEVABLY SAD. NO I WILL NOT EXPLAIN

Speaking of Lucy…

Wanting to write everything down to be closer to Mina :(((((

Yeah something is still very wrong here. Lucy shouldn’t be having dreams or feeling worn out!

Arthur is sad too :(((( he knows something is wrong with Lucy! She’s usually so cheerful and in this short diary entry, she just seems…depressed

I’m sorry Mina can’t be there to keep you safe Lucy 😭😭😭 and I don’t know how much help your mom can be…

[nozunhinged]

my love sea rollercoaster

Okay so I was at the forefront of the love sea haters (don't ask me about mame I don't know anything about that discoure you can read why I didn't like it here if you want) but as weak as I am I kept watching and ep 2 still didn't do it for me but ep 3 turned the boat around so fast that I feel absolutely sea sick (literally!!) right now -- and because the discourse and perspectives on tumblr made me try to keep watching unbiased, I'd like to share my five cents as to why the story suddenly works for me after I've spent the first two eps rolling my eyes so hard I got a migraine.

I think it comes down to three major moments, with their conflict as the turning point

When rak started spitting the most degrading speech going at mut for dragging him out of the house, literally blowing so fucking low the blowjob mut was wishing for in the end was sky high terrain, I went "ok that's it, I'm turning this off" -- rak said word for word "no means no" but mut still kept pulling him I was close to angry tears what a fucked up situation that is, I thought.

But just as mut made rak snap out of it with his unimpressed reaction, so did I.

It was like the first half of the episode flashed right in front of me within the second rak was speechless. He was so on edge from the many calls he had in the first part and before that the diving incident -- he was streched out so thin that of course he would fall back to his default mode which is insulting anyone who dares to get within a 10ft radius of him. And then a guy who even dares to break down his pretentious walls? Better double down! (I'm still mad about raks tirade though, I would've dumped him in the sea right then and there)

But here's the thing, mut isn't fazed at all. Like, at all at all. And that's exactly what rak needs in this moment. Someone to vent his anger at so he can collect himself. We know now that mut had it a million times worse than this and his reaction isn't just because he has the hots for rak, it's literally his character. They both would react the exact same way if it was any other person. The difference? They develop an emotional bond over it and that's how they move forward. CHEFS KISS!

You might think but noz, of course its his character, thats the whole point? Yeah but not to me.

In the last two episodes, it felt like everything that happened between them was excruciatingly forced by the narrative (see my yaoi-post why I despise that) -- that everything between them is only brought out because they met. I know that thai bl (no, lets say the romance genre in general) has a big issue writing and introducing characters in a manner that makes their romance believable, but most of the time I can overlook that because we're not here for deep literary masterpieces, we're here for the smooches and the fumbles. I get it.

But when it feels so forced like it did the last two eps to me, even I just check out. So I already shelved that series in my mind and it's the first time I get so damn humbled that I have to write down a million paragraphs to defend myself lol. I think my longing for watching a believable lovestory reached so deep that it contributed to my current brainrot.

Don't get me wrong -- I attest this shift 100% to fortpeats insanely stellar acting. They make the characters believable and they make me understand why rakmut are prefect for each other although I HATE their dynamic. But that's the beauty of a good story my friends, I get now why their pulling and pushing works for them and I'll gladly watch them do that! Because until now, no aspect of the show managed to do that, neither the narrative progression, nor the editing, writing or pacing. Nothing. It was all just a jumbled, annoying mess.

So what's different now? The story lets fortpeat finally shine! (Accidentally maybe?)

Someone already said that the scenes are stale and slow (cant find the post anymore sorry) due to the fact that nothing is happening other than the two of them talking in the same position behind a different background and I 100000% agree. And the only way this poor choice is saved by is fortpeat. I was hanging on their lips for every single word. Their dynamic was suddenly so clear and palpable to me, I struggled to breathe properly. Rakmut are fucking made for each other and I'm losing my shit over it.

I can't believe they managed to make ALL the flaws of this show just POOF -- go away??? And it just keeps going like that. I could write 10 more pages about the little details of their dialogues that cemented my impression but I'll try wrap this up first.

The two other pivotal moments (to me) were muts reaction to rak telling him about his name. Yes, you read that right. Now that I finally understood how these two are ticking, I absolutely 100% understand where mut was going with this objectively BONKERS suggestion. Rak drops this bombshell of a trauma on him and he offers to do exactly that too??? Well, in muts head this is the only way to make rak understand that the outcome can be different. So of course, this idea would only work on him. Made for each other, I'm telling you. Two pieces of a fucked up puzzle.

Now, that scene.

First, doubling down on how much worse mut had it. (I'm not talking about his house thats a topic for another post) I think this one little story was enough to land the punch, the talk last ep was too long and clunky. I wouldve loved to have a scene where the guy who was fired tells the story to someone and rak overhears it, not understanding a thing and then putting the pieces together when mut starts talking I-- oh I think i wouldnt have survived that, I cried then and there already.

Well yeah I was in tears when they started fucking that was awkward but again raks reaction just made sense. They don't know each other that well and rak only knows one way how to make mut feel good which is riding him to the moon and back. And as a little cherry on top he completely let loose without any restraints.

There's already this amazing post by @hanhonymous which explains perfectly why the pillow talk after works so well as it does, so I'm not gonna say anything more. Just know that I was full on bawling at this point. When rak said "try it" it lost it. How he encourages his island boy who said "someone like me" a million times in the last ten minutes was perfect. Beautiful. Absolutely wonderful. Even his false lead felt perfect for this moment because only this way mut would understand that rak is absolutely serious.

I don't know how the bangkok arc will play out, my hopes are not very high but I will forever have this lovely little episode. And their lovely little pillow talk. And when they confess and love each other for real I will once again cry like a loser because fortpeat are amazing. Please someone get them a high quality production they deserve it so much.

[livfastdieyoung69]

Can I pretty pls have a 90's edge x Fem reader where some people are scared of him but when he talks to the reader she says "You don't scare me" and it leads to fluffy with a kiss? Love your writing! 🥺

A NEWFOUND LOVE

(The Brood!Edge x Y/N)

“Um..excuse me?” A soft voice and a gentle tap on the shoulder brought Edge out of his conversation with Christian, making him turn around to find one of the new talents, Y/N. Eyes wide and unused to people approaching him and Christian, Edge was able to stutter out a yes with wide eyes.

“Sorry, I just can’t find the merch staff, I was supposed to grab a shirt from them. Do you know where they are?” No fear was clear in the voice or face, only confusion.

“I think um, I think they should be over that way.” Stuttering through his response, he quickly pointed down the hallway.

“Oh, okay, thank you! Sorry for bothering you.” Y/N took a few steps back, thinking the conversation was over before Edge had a chance to respond.

“No problem, we’re just not really all that, all that used to people..not being scared by us, I guess.” He chuckled awkwardly while he and Christian watched as their eyebrows crinkled with confusion and were quick to ask why.

“The whole Brood gimmick makes us a lot more intimidating than what we are.” Christian was quick to explain from next to Edge, a grin growing on both of their features.

“Yeah, what he said. I promise we’re not scary.”

“Well if it makes you feel any better, I don’t think you’re intimidating at all! Actually, you’re quite nice. And pretty. Anyways, I gotta go find these guys, but thanks for all the help!” Before Edge had the chance to do anything but blush from their compliments, they were quickly leaving.

—————

“Hey, Edge! ‘Scuse me, Edge!” Y/N yelled through the overcrowded gorilla, shoving their way over to The Brood who had just finished a match. Edge stumbled around at the sound of them but he was unable to make out their voice in the crowd, so instead, he grabbed Y/N’s hand and pulled them along. After making it to the trio's locker room, Gangrel and Christian were quick to leave the two outside the door.

“I just wanted to say that I met a lot of people today, and you were probably the nicest to me, so I just wanted to say thanks again.” Y/N’s praise put the grin and blush back onto his face.

“Oh! Nothing to thank me for, but you’re welcome. And, um, I think you’re pretty too.” Edge’s comments made Y/N equally as giddy as the big, blushing man inches away from them.

“You’re getting a lot of thanks out of me today, huh? Maybe I could..maybe I could thank you in a different way?” Y/N’s voice turned into a soft whisper as they moved in closer, heat creeping through both as they stood in the door way. Edge nodded his head, unable to find words.

Y/N moved in even closer, noses nudging and eyes meeting. Their hand moved to the back of his neck, his own coming to tangle with theirs, lips finding the soft skin of his cheek before they barely pulled away, noses still brushing.

“I got a ride with Trish, so I gotta go, but maybe we could meet up on Sunday after Heat?” They still whispered, fingers fiddling in his hold and giving his a quick squeeze, while the two grinned, ear to ear.

“Yeah. Yeah, that would be really nice.”

short but sweet :) idk im not in luv with it but its cute!

i did make it a lil cheek kiss just cuz idk it seems weird to me for them to meet and then boom their kissing like two paragraphs later

also payback omgg that was def one of the best ppvs this year, the cage match and the tag team match were absolutely gorgeous even if i dont like who has the titles now (if you couldn’t tell i am a huge judgement day hater. like i like them seperatly and irl, but altogether, i hate judgement day. I would explain y but it would be paragraphs long and i dont want to do that to yall

[magicaldreamfox1]

Do you have any vegaspete fanfic recs for someone getting into the ship?

hi! i'm so glad u asked!! i famously love having opinions and have great taste so absolutely i would love to recommend some fics!

so i don't know exactly what u're looking for and since u mentioned getting into the ship i tried to give u a wide variety of recs to choose from!

let's get started!

Plain & Pleasure (Series) by @onstoryladders

fantastic tattoo parlor au. just trust me on this it's really good

Black Velvet (Series) by @kerrikins

black velvet is a canon divergence from the ep 7 torture scene until the end of the series and it is one of the most famous works of the fandom i think. like it is to me. u can read the first two chapters of black velvet the work as a standalone but why would u am i right. don't be intimidated by the length it's amazing!

i fill you up, drink from my cup by @petes-vegas

mmmmmmm pwp? pwp. post-canon vegaspete attend an event both pissed at each other and they start trying to make each other jealous. this might have u thinking uhmmm this is getting worrying they're really doing the most is this gonna go into cheating territory? and fear not the answer is no.

in your eyes, in your arms (series) by @pressignore

great post-canon series about vegaspetemacau bonding in the hospital. very cute very fluffy 10/10 would recommend.

Blood & Lust (Series) by @kerrikins

taking a dark turn after the last one this is a series abt. horny torture. honestly all u need to know. #justvegaspetethings and so on and so forth. might be ur cup of tea might not be. only one way to find out

Visiting Home by @raelle-writing

another fluffier turn. u gotta keep up here i move fast. so this is post-canon vegaspetemacau visiting pete's grandma. everyone is experiencing feelings. look me in the eyes. do u see the tears. it's fantastic. i especially love the buildup we get thru the whole fic and it pays off so beautifully in the end and it's just. an amazing fic i loved it very much

If You Had Something To Lose by @raelle-writing

now pay attention! this is an ONGOING fic. but it makes the list bc man. MAN. so it's an au. the theerapanyakuls are in the mafia, peteporschechay are not. one evening pete finds beaten up vegas in a back alley and saves his life. love at first sight? no u misheard. horny at first sight. shenanigans ensue. raelle plays with my feelings. now disclaimer i haven't read the most recent like. 4 chapters bc i'm depressed scared of sad cliffhangers i just can't deal with it 😭😭😭. but really this fic is fantastic it had me hooked from the very beginning and it just keeps going on amazingly and i have no doubts it will continue being great until the end.

discothéque rouge by @lu-sn

now i read this one recently and yeah YEAH. classic vp shenanigans it's such a good time. post-canon mafia shenanigans starring vp.

the weight of it's like hands around my neck by @wegathpete

now listen! i'm not a member of the peteporsche ride or die besties agenda but i know a lot of people like it and this fic is just so good. i hope op knows the babygirl paragraph lives in my head rent free. it's a post-canon introspection of vegaspete which also includes porn. aren't we lucky ❤️

Silly Secrets by @raelle-writing

have u ever wondered what vegas would do if he walked in on pete's preferred exercising.... routine. well u don't have to wonder any longer! it's exactly what it says on the tin! post-canon vegas discovers pete's silly secret! whatever will he do abt it!! only one way to find out 😌😌😌

Your Secrets And Lies by @kerrikins

another banger by kerri. post-canon vegaspete in the hospital. pete thinks vegas is holding back and decides to do smthg abt it. very simple very fun!

we've now arrived at the shameless self promo part of this post!

so i happen to write as well and i happened to have written some vegaspete fics!

best stranger by me

so this is more like. vegaspete adjacent but it still counts in my humble opinion. gotta promote myself! it's set post-canon in the hospital. arm visits to check up on pete. my armpete besties agenda ❤️

after the dust has settled we must pick up the pieces by me

my most recent series i've started! it's also set post-canon and contains oneshots of moments in their lives. they can all be read as standalones but in my mind they take place in the same universe (it's not an au this is just how my mind works. they're connected but they're not connected. u know?) it's not a finished series i will be uploading new fics so feel free to subscribe to it if u would like!

i hope this helped! if u liked one fic/series specifically and want more of that kind or would like more recommendations in general feel free to ask!

[cafeleningrad]

Hi ! 📺 🍦 👻 🏆 (or just tell and don't show if u prefer) 🧑‍🍳,

Hejhej! Thank you so much for the questions, they come at the ideal time to think about things not related to academic texts.

📺 What did you think of the last movie you saw? Longslegs (2024, dir. Osgood Perkins) Remarkable cinematic capability which are absolutely lost on terrible dialogue, and, if possible, a stupid script. I want my ticket money back.

A Taxi Driver (2017, dir. Jang Hoon) Like in Memories of Murder this is a movie in which I can forgive historical inaccuracies because a) the creators simply weren't privy of any previous information b) these are stories about the actual life under the Chun dictator ship, made with the pretense to talk about this difficult political time. It is a highly affective movie, not sensational in depicting militia violence. By the way, the scene in which Hinzpeter and Kim Man-seob receive multiple food gifts by the citizens of Gwangju is perhaps the most Korean things ever, I would immediately believe that this would have happened. It is a really good movie, and such a needed palette cleanser in seriousness, writing of very humane behavior and speech after Longlegs. (And through some research I found multiple contributions by Hinzpeter in which he openly critizes Japan for building it's bubble economy on neo-colonialism in Korea. There definitely was a lot of genuine investment in telling this story.)

🍦 Top picks for a 3 scoop ice cream cone? Once again, I need to mention how spoiled rotten I am with creative ice cream flavours in my city. So a new 3-scoop combo: Saffron, Acerola, Cinnamon-Plum

👻 Dream halloween costume? Good question. Probably something with elaborate horns and a skull mask. I still have materials for Lady MacBeth, so maybe one autumn?

🏆 Could you give us a short show and tell about an interesting object in your room? Okay, alright believe me now that I do indeed own the following: A relative's father once studied in Germany in the 1950s. There he acquired a historical Civil Law book from 1900, the year the German civil law was finalized and came into force. Given that these civil codes were also adapted in Poland (well, in Poland's case more enforced, yes including some very hyperspecific paragraphs about bee ownership), Japan, Russia, and China, it is quiet the influential little book.

🧑‍🍳 Do you have a food or cooking (or eating) tip for us?

Please do invest into a wet stone for your kitchen knives. It doesn't have to be an absolute haute cuisine tool. But blunt knifes are much more likely to cause you injuries by slipping, or being much harder to get through material.

For ideal cookies or shortcrust pastry, first mix all dry ingredients, and then work them into the butter. The butter should be the center of kneading. The dough will becomes silky smooth, ideally mixed.

🍺 If you ran a themed bar what would the theme be? Hehehe, just last week I was in the curfew bar in Copenhagen which was brimming with charm and style. The owner really lives out his passion for everything vintage and classy. (If ever in Copenhagen, it's a blast!)

Beginning with: Every good food place is one run with passion by someone who really does stand behind their cuisine. It just shows in the service, the quality, and staff how invested everyone is in the meals, and service.

But I think I would like to run a place which is very open to people not wanting to drink alcohol, which will be treated as an equally legitimate choice. So the alcohol free cocktails will be as fancy, varied, and creative as the alcoholic beverages. For style I would probably go with Norse fishing village cottage. Mostly it's comfortable, somewhere were people can warm up. So the seats are comfortable, maybe there even is a little library. Maybe laying it all a big thick on the mermaid and lobster decor. The cocktail names on the menu are hillarious with various cold needle etching illustrations.

Ah yeah, the house will have it's very own bar cat.

[dirty-bosmer]

I did it good god I read the last chapter of The Illusionist and I-

Me 10 minutes ago: IT'S NOT OVER HWAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S OVER??? WHAT IS LUCIEN DOING? WHERE IS NIM GOING? WHERE IS THE NECT CHAPTER PLEASE IT'S NOT OVER NOOOOO PLEASE GOD NO

Me now: 😊📖Back to chapter 1 it is

THIS FREAKING FIC! I loved it. Every second and I meant it!!! and now that I've written my comment, I feel like there is so much I left out 😩 So basically I just want to say thank you again for the behemoth of a story that you wrote just for me (jkjkjk). Idk how you came up with it. There is something about it (and I mean beyond toxic Nim and villainous Lucien which I adore) that scratched at an itch I didn't know I had. I clicked it for the Lucien Lachance ship having no idea what an adventure I was in for and now that it's finally complete, I don't know what to do with myself besides read it over and over. Thank you so much ❤️

Oh, you have slain me 😭

It means the absolute world that someone else, anyone else, out there enjoys my fics. I started writing it because 1) Oblivion has a chokehold on me 2) I had food poisoning on a red-eye flight and was trying desperately to fall asleep by making up entertaining scenarios in my head, and in doing so I dreamed about Lucien and his Silencer fucking nasty in Fort Farragut lmao So yeah, now you know that all 600k+ words of Nim's story were written to justify what amounted to two paragraphs of sex. What an accomplishment to have turned my dreams into reality :')

Again, thank you so much for all the kind words over the years. I've loved reading your comments, and I'm still shocked it managed to keep your attention all the way through. Actually, I didn't think the fic would get any attention at all considering how bad the writing was when I started XD Also, given the one flame I've received, I figured most fans of the ship were going to be sorely disappointed with how unpleasant Nim and Lucien were to each other for like... the entirety of their relationship lol. Even I was sick of them by the end, so that anyone read it to completion and enjoyed it still leaves me flabbergasted in the best of ways!

All that to say, I am so, so, so grateful that you've followed it to completion. You are a gem <3

[crockettmarcel]

thank you to my beloved @terramous for helping me with this !! I literally couldn't have finished it without you <3

wc: 3498 warnings: alcohol, roofie, emetophobia (brief)

also available on ao3

Crockett rubs his eyes as he looks down at the screen in front of him. He’s been working on this essay for almost six hours today, and he’s not even halfway to the word count. Every paragraph he writes gets deleted less than a minute later, and at this point, he’s convinced he doesn’t even know how to string a sentence together anymore. 

He glances down at the clock in the bottom corner of his laptop screen. 01:02. His whole body aches from exhaustion, and if it weren’t for the fact that this essay is due at nine a.m. today, he’d have been in bed over three hours ago. The way it’s going though, he can only see himself finishing it if he pulls an all-nighter.

There’s a bag of coffee beans in one of his desk drawers — Robusta espresso beans, Sarah had emphasised when she gave them to him — and for the first time, they actually sound appealing. Most of the time, Sarah’s caffeine addiction concerns him, but not tonight. He leans down and pulls the drawer open. The beans are sitting in a ziplock bag on top of a stack of notebooks he has yet to make use of, and when he lifts them out, he quickly reads the instructions written in thick black marker on the front of the bag. 

5x every hour to stay up all night! enjoy :•) 

Sarah’s handwriting is small and neat, almost font-like, and he admires it as he pulls the bag open and grabs a couple of beans. They don’t smell particularly strong, and he pops them in his mouth before he can change his mind. Just as expected, they’re bitter, worse than the singular cup of black coffee he tried at Nat’s insistence way back in freshman year, and he has to resist the urge to spit them out. He’s happy with his mocha frappuccinos, or preferably, a can of Red Bull. Bitter coffee beans aren’t ideal, but needs must.

He finishes chewing and swallows, then grabs the half-empty water bottle from his desk and chugs it, desperate to get the taste out of his mouth. Sarah didn’t specify if you had to eat all five beans in one sitting, or if it was five over the course of an hour, and he hopes it’s the latter. He’s not sure if he can cope with another three right now. 

The bright white of his near-empty Word document stares defiantly at him, and he takes a moment to consider whether he can hand in the worst essay he’s ever written and still pass this class. He thinks so. After popping a piece of gum in his mouth and taking one last sip of water, he starts typing again. 

The vibration of his phone is all the distraction he needs after 35 badly written words. For a second, he considers ignoring it, but when he looks over to see who’s calling, he decides the essay can wait. Sarah Reese, the screen reads, and something in his gut tells him he needs to answer.

Buzzing with his own newfound and potentially caffeine-related anxiety, Crockett presses the green answer button and quickly presses the phone to his ear. 

“Reese?”

“You’re not Nat.” The voice on the other end is almost giddy with barely contained laughter, but definitely Sarah. Crockett can’t think of the last time he’s seen her crack a smile, let alone laugh through gritted teeth on a midnight phone call. “Who is this?”

“Sarah, it’s Crockett. Did you mean to ring me?” 

“I tried everyone else,” Sarah trails off, taking her words with her. “I thought maybe Nat would answer. You’re not here.”

He frowns and clears his throat. “I am, I’m right here, Sarah. What do you need?” 

“There’s something-” A giggle. “There’s something really wrong with me.”

That piques Crockett’s interest, immediately pulling him worlds away from his current studying session. He’s absolutely not finishing this essay in time. “What do you mean?” 

“You were pre-med, right?”

“Yeah, for like two weeks three years ago,” he says. “What’s going on?” 

“I can’t walk right.” 

“What do you mean?” Crockett repeats. He feels like he’s getting nowhere with this conversation, and as much as he wants to help Sarah, he’s not sure how, when she won’t give him a coherent answer to anything he asks her.

“Like, my feet won’t work.” 

“Is it numbness or a prickling feeling?” Crockett asks, pulling from the small amount of medical knowledge he’s gained from binge-watching all of Grey’s Anatomy. Two weeks of pre-med did almost nothing for him.

Another giggle. “Numbness.” 

“How much have you had to drink?” 

“Two screwdrivers.” 

Crockett wracks his brain. Orange juice and vodka. Even considering the liquor, two drinks wouldn’t have been enough to get Sarah this drunk, especially not to the point where she couldn’t walk properly. 

“Reese,” he says. “Sarah, are you sure that’s all you had to drink?” 

“Mmhmm,” Sarah hums. Crockett can hear the sound of what he assumes is a party in the background of the call. 

“Do you need a ride home?” He asks.

“I- I think there’s something wrong with me,” Sarah says again, ignoring his question. 

“Is there someone you can stay with until I get there?” 

“Mm,” a pause, “I don’t think so. I called- I called everyone. No one answered.” 

“Okay,” Crockett grabs his keys, his phone still pressed to his ear. “Sarah, can you tell me more about what’s going on? Where are you?” 

There’s the noise of something smashing in the background of the call, a glass, or maybe a window? “Oh, fuck,” Sarah says.

“Fuck?” Crockett echoes, putting on a hoodie. “What happened?” 

“That looked like a really expensive vase.”

“Are you hurt?” 

“No.”

“That’s good. Where are you?” he tries again. 

“The party. I don’t know… I don’t know where. Ava drove us. Her friend’s party.” 

Crockett presses his phone to his ear with his shoulder while he pulls on his sneakers. “Her sorority friend?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” He finishes lacing up his shoes, then stands, quickly saves his poor attempt at an essay, and then grabs his water bottle. “I know where that is. I’ll be there soon, yeah? Just stay somewhere safe, please. Try and find a bathroom or something.”

“Are you going to hang up now?” Sarah asks, her voice small and shaky. It’s a stark contrast to the giddy and giggling Sarah he’d been talking to minutes earlier. 

“Not if you don’t want me to,” Crockett promises. Regardless of Sarah’s opinion, he doesn’t feel comfortable hanging up the call. At least like this, he can monitor Sarah’s condition. 

He leaves his room, stopping briefly in the kitchen to fill his bottle up for Sarah, and all the while, he keeps talking to her, asking her whatever questions he can think of. When he gets to his car, he puts the phone on speaker and lets Sarah’s voice fill the small space. She’s not making much sense, but as long as she’s still talking, he can ignore the anxiety gnawing at his stomach.

There’s almost no traffic on the drive to the sorority house, and he makes it there in just under fifteen minutes. Sarah speaks to him the whole time, and when he finally pulls up outside the house, he has a good enough idea of where she is. A pink bathroom, upstairs I think, she’d said. I can see the backyard. There are fairy lights in the trees.

“I’m outside now, okay?” He tells her. “It’s going to be loud inside, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to hear you, but I’m not hanging up. I’m just going to put my phone in my pocket for a bit.”

“I’m in the bathroom.”

“I know, Sarah. I’ll be there in a minute. Just hang on.”

He marches up the garden path and inside the house, pushing through crowds of drunk college students painfully unaware of their surroundings, and just as he reaches the bottom of the stairs, someone taps him on the shoulder. 

“Crockett?”

He turns to see Ava standing in front of him, brows furrowed in a deep frown, and clutching a red cup like her life depends on it. 

“What are you doing here? I thought you had to study.” She has to shout to be heard over the music, and she’s slurring her words a little. Not the way Sarah was though, so Crockett guesses she’s okay.

“I’m looking for Sarah. Have you seen her?”

She shrugs. “Not since we got here. There was some guy hitting on her though, so I don’t know. Maybe she went to get laid.”

Crockett swears under his breath. “Okay, whatever, thanks.” He starts up the stairs, then turns back around to get Ava’s attention again. “Turn your fucking phone on.”

Part of him hopes she’ll follow him upstairs, but when he looks back from the top, she’s lost somewhere in the crowd. If he’s being realistic, she’s most likely refilling her drink somewhere, or hitting on an unsuspecting sorority girl with a name like MaKaylynn.

There are three bathrooms on this floor, and he tries them all with no luck. He finds nothing in the first one, and after what he witnessed in the second one, he wishes it had been empty too. Or that people knew how to lock a door. The third one was more promising — two girls comforting their crying friend, who then all offered to help him find Sarah — but he politely declined. This would be easier if he wasn’t dragging three drunk girls around with him.

It’s quieter up here than downstairs, so once he’s left the girls and their friend behind, he takes a moment to check his phone. His stomach drops when he sees that the call has ended, and when he tries to call Sarah back, there’s no answer. He should have got here faster.

He rushes up the next flight of stairs, and after once again being greeted by nothing but beer-soaked tiles in the first bathroom he gets to, he twists the doorknob of the second one, only to be met with resistance when he tries to push the door open. He looks down and there’s a black Converse blocking the door. Even in the dim lighting, he can make out scribbles on the rubber toe — planets and stars and a tiny, scarily realistic frog — but he doesn’t let himself relax just yet.

“Reese?” He asks carefully. The shoe moves back. 

“Kett,” Sarah slurs. 

Bingo.

He pushes the door open to reveal Sarah sitting on the tiled floor, crammed between the toilet and the bathtub. Her knees are pulled up to her chin and her mascara runs in dark trails down her face. 

“How are you doing?” he asks, slipping into the small room.

“Everything’s spinning,” Sarah mumbles, pressing her forehead to the lid of the toilet, her flushed skin bright against the porcelain. Her hair is up in two little buns on the top of her head, but they’re starting to come undone, revealing the blue streaks hidden inside. That was Ava’s doing, if Crockett recalls correctly, and involved a lot of alcohol and ruined clothes. “I think I just want to sleep here, please.” 

“Not an option. I’ve come to take you home.” He extends a hand with his water bottle to Sarah and she takes it eagerly, popping the top and taking a sip. 

“Thanks,” she says.

“Do you think you can stand?” 

Sarah shakes her head, and her buns bounce slightly. There’s vomit on her black tank top, and her knees poke through the holes in her jeans. She must have been cold getting here. Frilled black socks peek over the tops of her Converse, and when she’s had most of the water, she hands the bottle back to Crockett and pulls at the frills. “No, I can’t.”

Crockett nods. “Can you tell me what you’re feeling?”

Sarah swishes the words around her mouth, feeling their weight and shape. “Feet are numb, hands too.”

She keeps playing with the frills of her socks, and Crockett watches the way she stares at her hands, as if they’re not quite part of her. Her eyelids are half-shut, and there are curls plastered to her forehead with sweat. The rest of her exposed skin is covered with a light sheen of it. He needs to get her out of here.

It’s not easy, but he somehow manages to help Sarah to her feet, only for her knees to immediately buckle and send her faceplanting into his chest. He instinctively wraps his arms around her to hold her up. 

“Whoa,” Sarah gasps, her hands fisting in the material of Crockett’s hoodie. 

“You okay?” Crockett asks. 

Sarah pulls her head back to look up at Crockett, her eyes wide. “I really don’t feel good.”

“I know, I know. I’m going to get you home now, okay? Just hold onto me.” He helps her move so that she’s walking almost fully supported by him, and just before they leave the room, he glances over his shoulder to look out the window. Sure enough, there are fairy lights on the trees outside, just like Sarah had said.

They manage to get all the way downstairs without incident, albeit slowly, but when they get to the foyer, Sarah asks if they can stop. She’s leaning more heavily on Crockett by this point, and her face is an even scarier shade of white than when he found her. 

“We’re almost at the car now, I promise. Just out the door and then a little down the sidewalk.”

She mumbles something that Crockett doesn’t quite catch, then pulls away from him to throw up on a nearby plant. She manages to avoid getting it on herself this time, and as much as Crockett is relieved, he can’t help but feel bad for whoever will have to clean it up. 

At least it won’t get in his car.

“I think I’m good now.” She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, then tries her best to get back to him. She’s falling over her own feet without his support, so he quickly reaches out an arm for her to take. “Thank you.”

“Did you have a jacket or anything?” He asks once they’re moving again. She shakes her head. “Okay, hold on.”

They stop again, this time right by the front door, and he carefully helps her sit down on a windowsill. “It’s cold out, y’know,” he says, pulling his hoodie over his head. She needs this more than he does; he can cope in just a t-shirt.

She gets it on without any help from Crockett, and just as they’re about to start moving again, a voice from behind catches Crockett’s attention.

“Kett! You found her?”

It’s Ava again, and this time, it’s his turn to frown. 

“Yeah, no thanks to you.”

“God, sorry.” She peers down at Sarah. “She looks like shit.”

“Of course she does. Someone put something in her drink.” His voice is harsh, and it catches Ava off-guard. 

“That’s not very nice,” Sarah mumbles. 

“Are you sure?” She tilts her head to one side as if to get a better look at Sarah, and when Crockett nods, she begins to chew nervously on her bottom lip.

“She’s had two drinks, Aves. This is not what two drinks do to a person.”

“I didn’t- I had no idea.”

“Of course you didn’t. Maybe if you’d answered your phone, you would have.”

She stutters out an attempt at a reply, but he simply ignores it and chooses to focus instead on getting Sarah up and walking again. When they get to the front door, he looks back to glare at Ava, then pulls it open and ushers Sarah out into the cold winter night. 

Just as he promised, it’s only a short walk to the car, and Sarah almost collapses onto the back seat. Crockett helps her with her seatbelt, and before long, they’re on the way back to the dorms. Sarah sits with her cheek pressed against the cool glass of the window, and she just watches as the lights of the city flash past them.

“You okay back there?” Crockett asks, looking at her through the rearview mirror. “I can take you to the emergency room if you want.”

“Mm. I just need my bed. I’ll be okay in bed.”

He frowns but accepts her decision. She seems okay, all things considered. “Fine, but I’m spending the night. I don’t want you choking on your own vomit.”

She smiles a little and nods. “Whatever you want, Kett.”

Neither of them speaks for the last part of the drive, but when they get to a red light that seemingly won’t change, Crockett takes the opportunity to put some music on. There’s an album Sarah made him save on Spotify, by a band he’s only vaguely heard of, and he finds it and puts it on shuffle for her.

“Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off. Nice.”

“What?” He glances down at his phone. “Oh. The song.”

For the next few minutes, they listen to Sarah’s music — Panic! At The Disco, Crockett’s phone tells him — until they finally pull up outside their dorm. Crockett turns the music off, much to Sarah’s dismay, and then they once again begin the process of trying to get her to walk without falling over. Fortunately, there’s an elevator in the building, so they don’t have to even think about attempting four flights of stairs together. Sarah sits on the floor the whole way up, with her legs spread out in front of her. As they near the fifth floor, Sarah starts taking her buns out, and by the time the door opens, her curls once again frame her face, and she’s holding a handful of hair ties and bobby pins.

They live in the same apartment, so it’s only the key to her room that they have to worry about. It’s in one of her jeans pockets, and when she eventually manages to get it out, she fumbles with it as she tries to put it in the lock. Her hand-eye coordination is limited, though, and when she finally gives in and lets Crockett do it, she simply tells him that her hands are still numb. 

“I want to sleep,” she says, leaving Crockett’s side to stumble over to her bed and lie down. “Bedtime.”

“Sarah, you can’t sleep in jeans, and there’s puke on your shirt. You need to change.”

She frowns. “Can you help? I can’t…” Her voice trails off, and she waves her hands at him. Numb.

“If you really want me to, yeah.”

He makes his way over to the bed, and they slowly begin the delicate task of undressing and re-dressing her, starting with her shoes, which he unlaces and sets down by the door, before moving onto his hoodie. He drapes it over the back of her desk chair, then asks if she needs help with her top or jeans. She nods yes, so he goes back to take over what her body won’t let her do. He unbuttons and unzips her jeans, but she’s able to wriggle them off on her own, and he puts them on the chair as well. The tank top slides off as well, instead of being pulled over her head, and Crockett tracks down her laundry hamper to place it inside. 

“Can you do your bra?” He feels weird even offering, but he knows she probably won’t want to sleep in it.

She shakes her head, then pulls herself upright. “I need a shirt. Lemme…” She reaches under her pillow and grabs a giant University of Chicago t-shirt. “Okay. No peeking.”

She turns slightly, then pulls the t-shirt on so it’s around her neck and waits for him to sit next to her. His fingers are careful and delicate, and he tries his best to make sure he’s only touching the bra itself. 

“I thought you got all the girls,” Sarah says, grinning. “Shouldn’t this be easy?”

“Shut up.” His voice has a playful tone to it, and Sarah laughs a little. “There.” 

Crockett’s not sure how she manages it, but she puts her arms through the sleeves of the t-shirt, then after a few seconds of adjusting and moving her arms around in ways he doesn’t really understand, she hands him the bra. He puts it on the chair with the other clothes.

“Do you want pants?”

“No pants. Just sleep. Need to sleep.”

She pulls the covers back and climbs underneath, then motions for Crockett to join her. “Shoes off, please.” 

“I don’t know about this, Reese.”

“Chill,” she says. “Nothing’s going to happen. Just sleep. Get in, unless you want the floor. It is not comfy.” She giggles a little. “Not comfy.”

He sighs, then gives in and unlaces his shoes.

[grimgoregrimoire]

🕯️ ⇢ on a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? why is that?

🛼 ⇢ describe your latest wip with five emojis

🐇 ⇢ do you prefer writing original characters, reader inserts, or a mix of both? 

🧃 ⇢ share some personal lore you never posted about before

🎲 ⇢ what stops you from writing more in your free time? 

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

🧸 ⇢ what's the fastest way to become your mutual?

🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now

📚 ⇢ what's the last thing you wrote down in your notes app? 

🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

🦷 ⇢ share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on

❄️ ⇢ what's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best?

🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity

🥐 ⇢ name one internet reference that will always make you laugh 

🏜️ ⇢ what's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

🍦 ⇢ name three good things about a character you hate

🥝 ⇢ do you lie a lot? what's the most recent lie you told?

🦋 ⇢ share something that has been on your heart and mind lately 

🦴 ⇢ is there a piece of media that inspires your writing? 

🍅 ⇢ give yourself some constructive criticism on your own writing

🐚 ⇢ do you like or dislike surprises?

🪲 ⇢ add 50 words to your current wip and share the paragraph here

☁️ ⇢ what made you choose your username?

🐝 ⇢ tag your biggest supporter(s) and say one nice thing about them

🌸 ⇢ do you have any pets? if you do, post some pictures of them

🎨 ⇢ link your favourite piece of fanart and explain why you like it

🧩 ⇢ what will make you click away from a fanfiction immediately?

Hi hi thank you so much for all the emojis!! 🥰

🕯️ ⇢ on a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? why is that?

Pffftt well, I've been "editing" my book for the past two years, so..... Joking aside, I would probably give it a solid 8. Nothing is as good as seeing all the hard work you've put in and then just giving it that extra little cherry on top!

Now, if you're asking me about spelling and grammar editing.... Don't.

🛼 ⇢ describe your latest wip with five emojis

🧛‍♂️🗡📓👻🏳️‍🌈

🐇 ⇢ do you prefer writing original characters, reader inserts, or a mix of both? 

I've never written a reader insert but now yall got me thinking 😅

🧃 ⇢ share some personal lore you never posted about before

I have this weird thing where everyone thinks I look like someone else, and it's caused some pretty hilarious phenomenons. One time at the airport, a kid started screaming and crying because I waved at them. I still, to this day, have absolutely no idea who they thought I was ¯\_(ツ)_/��

🎲 ⇢ what stops you from writing more in your free time? 

So I have this fun little thing called ADHD...... But yeah, honestly, I'm incredibly chaotic, and while trying to keep up with the real-life stuff and all the distracting stuff and all the projects I got going...... Yeah, that's why I'm typically up until 2 am writing lol

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

Yay another one!!!

Zukka (Avatar: The Last Airbender)

Anytime Hakoda takes Sokka for some father-son bonding time, Sokka relentlessly insists Zuko come along. Zuko and Hakoda think he's just being a clingy boyfriend, but he just wants to show Zuko that he is deserving of love from a father figure and that Iroh isn't just doing it out of guilt.

(In turn, Iroh tags along from time to time, and their trips quickly go from family bonding to a dad joke battle)

🧸 ⇢ what's the fastest way to become your mutual?

Literally just come say hi!! I swear, contrary to popular lore, I don't bite!

🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now

I'm very lucky. Everyone in my family is doing great. Having this great opportunity to finish and publish my book. And I have great, supporting and loving friends 🖤

📚 ⇢ what's the last thing you wrote down in your notes app? 

"He was just one of this like shitty guitar players in a shitty band."

"And?"

"And he was in a punk band, and I did graffiti. Can I make it more obvious?"

🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

I never finished Stranger Things' first season, I don't know that I even got through the first five episodes. I was so bored the whole time.

Bonus hot take; I had the exact opposite problem with The Walking Dead. Around season five, I got really bored.

🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

Guys, go Google New England Vampire Panic. Very interesting to read about, and also a good band name if you're from New England!

🦷 ⇢ share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on

Even if you absolutely suck at it, if it's something you love, do it with all the confidence in the world, and you'll find your place.

+ Nobody's as confident as they claim. It's all a production. Fake it 'til you make it, but don't sell your soul over it.

❄️ ⇢ what's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best?

So I've recently gotten into Baldur's Gate, and I just really fucking need Gale and Astarion on like a buddy cop mission where it's just absolute clown to clown communication. Gale being his waxing poetic self, and Astarion is far too emo and far too gay for this shit.

I don't know! I'm willing to bully all my friends until one of them picks it up or I just do it myself lol

🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity

Don't force it. If it's not coming to you take a break don't chase it! You'll only wear yourself out and hate what you did write.

Rome wasn't built in a day, but it sure burnt down in one. Remember that.

🥐 ⇢ name one internet reference that will always make you laugh 

Wouldn't you like to know, weather boy?

🏜️ ⇢ what's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

Very specifically, "You're evil"

Muahahahahaha 😈

🍦 ⇢ name three good things about a character you hate

Oh man, I don't think there's absolutely anything redeemable about that woman.

1.) Uhh, when she shuts up, she's cute ig.

2.) She's fun to write because I don't get to be pure evil a lot.

3.)................... She's kinda the gateway to one of my favorite characters?? 👀

🥝 ⇢ do you lie a lot? what's the most recent lie you told?

Here's a fun little fact about me, I'm brutally honest sometimes to the point of offense 😅 and I don't ever really have a need to lie.

That being said, I love randomly lying to strangers for literally no reason. Just recently, someone was being rude and interrupted my dinner with my family, so when they asked what I did for a living, I gave them a very detailed description of how I work in a morgue. I've never worked in a morgue a day in my life lol but it got them to leave me alone.

🦋 ⇢ share something that has been on your heart and mind lately 

Man, this might be too deep for tumblr, but it's that time of year again when I can't stop thinking about death and all that good stuff. I'll spare you guys the gritty details, though.

🪲 ⇢ add 50 words to your current wip and share the paragraph here

"Look, when I moved out here, I got a mess in Oakland waiting for me, okay? My friend got all this shit and fucked this guy over and this crazy motherfucker showed up ate half my burger and killed a fucking guy. When the boss showed up, told me to get his wife outta there, I did and I ain't never been back. I got know idea what's waiting there for me."

"Hm, that's unfortunate," I crossed my arms, "Especially 'cause I watched it happen in Pulp Fiction with you last night!"

"Goddamn it."

☁️ ⇢ what made you choose your username?

So I answered the username part over here, so I'm going to answer about my pen name now!

I actually changed my pen name fairly recently to Gabryél Grimm-Goretz. Gabryél is actually part of my legal name 😅 and so I thought it would be cool to use it because i never get to use it day to day. I went with Grimm-Goretz to kinda represent my family and heritage in a way while also leaning into how my writing is typically grim and gory.

🐝 ⇢ tag your biggest supporter(s) and say one nice thing about them

Whelp, we've got a nice handful of followers over here now, and unfortunately, I can't tag everyone. BUT I want to tell you all that you are appreciated. You are talented, and you are loved! Never let anyone tell you you're not good enough 'cause they're no better 🖤

🌸 ⇢ do you have any pets? if you do, post some pictures of them

Right here! uwu

🎨 ⇢ link your favourite piece of fanart and explain why you like it

I'm gonna be a little bit of a punk ass and tag myself here lol Link link link

I did this piece last year in celebration of one of my favorite band's new albums, and yeah! I just love it. It came out so good.

🧩 ⇢ what will make you click away from a fanfiction immediately?

When a narrator is like, "She smiled tit-ly, so deeply that her large pendulum breasts heaved, then jiggled tightly into her pink, completely see-through lace bra. Her breasts were no doubt expressing their own excitement." 🙄

For you 😌💞

[sorcerous-caress]

I feel you on writing descriptions of things in your work. I don’t know what it is I can know exactly what I want to do with a story and perfectly visualize it but when I write it I feel like it falls flat and dull. Like when I do describe something I feel like I’m describing things that don’t need to be. I feel like I have a problem with pacing as well getting to places in story too fast and cutting too many things short. I think it’s because I don’t read as much as I watch movies or shows or play video games so I imagine my work as visual media rather than a book. I think Baldur’s Gate has helped me a little though because of how the Narrator describes things. Sorry for venting about my writing I just wish copy & paste existed for brains.

Oh no dude no worries I am always open to talk about writing!

And yes, you've described it correctly. But for me, I do read more than I consume any other media. I watch 3 or 4 movies per year tops, I literally have never watched a show in years. I prefer listening to audio books or youtube essays. I like consuming words-only media.

But I still struggle with the same thing. I get bored too easily when describing things and I feel like if I'm bored then my readers would be bored too. I don't want to write something just for my work to appear more appealing or balanced or whatever.

That's why I prefer the fast pacing, condensing everything and jumping from one event to the other. I'm not describing how someone is walking from their bedroom to the hallway then bathroom then opening the door then closing the door then getting downstairs then going to the kitchen no fuck that.

They woke up, bed warm soft, now they're in the kitchen, keep tf up reader! Now we're driving to work and now we're in a meeting in our boss's office. And oh the work day just ended, we're in bed browsing our phone.

That's why I adore "I have no mouth and I must scream" it's narrtive but descriptive and yet the narrator jumps from one plot and setting to another, they never described how or what, they just change it and expect the readers to keep up.

And if that's whats works for you, then I say embrace it. Sure aim for a balance or to work on the areas you struggle with, but don't change your writing style just to appear like someone else or to fit what a story is usually supposed to be like.

I like using short paragraphs, i like making lines bite sized and always seperating things. I write that way because it's what I like as a reader, it grabs my attention and I get annoyed when I see long paragraphs and lose attention.

I had a friend who hates reading, absolutely gets bored and can't stand it. I sent them a short story I made once for a different fandom about a guy dealing with the loss of his parents and missing his mom, my friend told me that it was the first time they've ever read a story to the end without getting bored or feeling overwhelmed.

There will be people who like your fast pace and there will be people who hate it, write for what you like to read. And if it's bg3 writing then hell yeah go for it! I enjoy it at times but at others I find myself skipping it just to get to the point.

[running-in-the-dark]

I've got more to say on that post (tw I'm insane I don't know what to tag this as its just. mental illness man idk.)

I'm really, really glad that other people apparently really don't know what it's like to feel like that. like you're not allowed to think certain things or that thinking them makes you bad.

because fuck I wish that was me.

I find it almost impossible to talk about this but I'm trying because I've found it's really the only thing that helps a little bit - and it feels like literal torture, like. I am having to actively fight every instinct in my head to be able to type any of it.

but. just. man I just can't. sometimes I can do it, but sometimes it's like now and I get so panicked about it that all the words just fucking disappear. literally can't talk about it.

okay, I'll try a different way. so. I get extremely obsessed with fictional characters (which you know if you've ever looked at this blog because duh). obviously that means I think about them. a lot. all the time really. and it's. it is really really hard, honestly. just like. imagine having to basically check every. little. thought. to see if there's anything there that could make you a bad person.

again, can't go into any more detail because My Brain (probably should stop saying that, I guess it's like, part of the ocd tendencies I have or whatever) won't fucking let me.

so, I'm trying to work on that, and for some reason I'm doing that by writing it down instead. because then I have like, the option to go back and look at it and be like actually this is probably fine. not horrible, not the worst thing anyone has ever thought, and even if it was - no one but me is ever going to see this, so why should it even matter?

but more than anything it's like. shown me how fucking insane that is. I literally can't even write so much as like. a hug. without feeling like I'm the most disgusting piece of shit ever (lots of complicated reasons but it boils down to basically. well you're thinking about his body. and that his body would feel nice. and that is absolutely not allowed in any way). when I've said that I'm writing some insane shit I don't mean like haha, this is sooo dirty hehe :3 no guys I mean it is literally insane and mostly me literally having to write paragraphs of dialogue in which the character assures me that it's okay and I'm not horrible for thinking that and. like I'm literally writing him as if he's my fucking therapist because that's the only way I can justify it in my own head.

like, I am not exaggerating when I say that I've made myself feel like I'm physically ill from overthinking this so much. I literally felt like I had a fever because I got so extremely stressed out about it. I think that was about like. holding hands or some shit. I'm 32 fucking years old. I'm literally married (won't even get into that but fuck dude just imagine being like this and. yeah).

and the funniest part about all of that is that I feel so unbelievably ashamed about all of it that I don't think I could even mention it to a therapist or whatever. like the thought alone is so absolutely horrifying that it makes me feel like I need to be punished for it. so I just convince myself that well it can't really be OCD anyway because I don't even have compulsions anymore (even though I did, and they affected my life so much for like, 15 years at least), and well even if it could still be that even without the compulsions well it's not that bad really. I mean I don't have the issues that people with actual OCD have, it doesn't really affect me, so what if I can't think about fucking that fictional guy, imagine how much a therapist would laugh at you for thinking you should get help with that, nope your brain is just fundamentally broken (it's always been that way after all, so it can't be something like that, no you're just broken and wrong and that's why all your thoughts are bad, you're just the worst person on Earth).

I can't explain how hard it is to even like. just talk about the most mundane shit. like let's say there's a picture of The Guy and I think he looks good. it's such a struggle to let myself say that. like literally, something as fucking basic as that. literally anything that is an admission of 'hi I've thought about his face and his body and I think they look kind of nice' makes me feel like I should literally die. that's why I've been trying to say that shit as much as I can lately, with the reasoning being well if I just keep doing it and nothing horrible happens it'll get easier right? (nope it doesn't, not really)

and like, there's so much more to it than social media, obviously. like it's probably 99% my upbringing (didn't even fucking realise until very recently that a lot of it is based on religious stuff because I didn't understand that my family was even that religious. yeah I don't get it either. but there's way more than the religion aspect, just pretty much everything about my childhood and my parents and. everything). but it does play a huge part in it for me and. I don't know what to do about that and I'll probably do nothing because doing anything is hard and I'm already completely overwhelmed by everything.

yeah idk all of that came from thinking about that video too much, idk, I'm shutting up now