zenis-castle-in-the-sky

[zenis-castle-in-the-sky]

Two year update -v-

6 paragraph essay warning!!!!!111!!!!1!! Nah, I'm just kidding.

I started this blog as a coping mechanism to deal with a toxic friendship I had from 2017-2021. It took me a couple years to figure out that I was just the backup choice for a potential relationship. I also figured out this "friend" needs serious therapy and healing. But what do I know? My only regret was allowing myself to become way too attached. As they call it, Stockholm syndrome, I was addicted to this person.

I no longer make poems, and I haven't documented a dream in this blog for two years. While I still miss these people that I've constantly complained about, I am also still trying my hardest to move on. It's getting easier day by day as I grow wiser and think less on it and more about how much better life is now.

That being said, life is so much better now. It's not AS great as two years ago, or even last year, as I had lost 60 lbs and was feeling happier and more confident in my skin than ever. Unfortunately, I gained all the weight back during last autumn and winter, so now I am back where I started with that. It has led to more anxiety episodes from me. However, that doesn't mean I've given up. It's just harder for me to lose weight now. I'm still trying. I just have less ways and options at the moment. I will be moving again, soon, so then it will be easier.

Oh yeah, I haven't mentioned yet. I moved to Texas in February this year. Why? Because my husband lives here! We initially were supposed to get married in February, but due to ~things~, we have happily married on September 6th, 2024. We have struggled a li financially wise due to ~things~, that were out of our control, but again, we will be moving again, soon, so then it will be easier.

I am absolutely in love with my husband. He and I met in 2021 as friends but we did not start dating until May 1st, two years ago. I am truly grateful I decided to play Roblox that day that we met, or else I would be the same woman as if I did not. Lonely, sad, hopelessly romantical, mooching off her father, still. I do not feel like I deserve my husband, especially since I have gained all this weight back I don't think he should have a fat wife. And I mean FAT wife. I have a double chin, overhanging belly, my fingers are sausages. But somehow he still loves me. For a while I was convinced it was a friend of my ex boyfriend's, pretending to love me as a prank because he was salty he never got to see my tits. But, like, I met his parents. He met my parents. He married me. We had sex. There's no way that he could be that. He truly loves me, and yet I'm over here with this mental illness that will only go away when I lose weight. I feel bad, making him go through that. Still, he says he will always support me, help me when I need it, and he's even agreed to be the regulator for how much I eat, and prevents me from cutting myself. I am truly grateful for this man He makes me the happiest woman in the world.

I've thought about going back to documenting my dreams, but I haven't been having them as much as I thought I would. Even when I was getting tons of sleep, I had no dreams. Even now that I have less sleep, I still have no dreams. they're rare, now. It's okay, though, I don't mind it. It just means that I don't remember the dreams. After all, everyone dreams. We just don't remember them. And that's why we write them down.

that being said, I DO have some of my dreams written down. I only have a few, in my notes app. Maybe I will start writing them down again? I dunno.

[zenis-castle-in-the-sky]

Similarly, two nights ago (or probably last night I don’t remember), I dreamt about hanging out with my childhood best friend and him telling me something about always caring for me, having my back, protecting me, etc, I don’t remember anything specific. This matches up with how I’ve been longing to hang out with him ever since I left hometown when we were 12. He’s a dad now and I’m pretty proud of him and his girlfriend.

[zenis-castle-in-the-sky]

6/10/2022

A few months ago, I lost another precious long time friend. This guy is another that I cared about so deeply. Lately, I keep thinking about him and worry about how he’s doing.

A few days ago, I had a dream about him. In my dream, I visited his home in Spain. I was visiting because his little brother was having a birthday party, and I was invited. His older brother was acting very antisocial, though. I don’t really know much about his brothers so I don’t have any idea why he’d stay away from everyone.

I’d spend a day hanging out with my friend and his little brother and his friends as well as his immediate family members. It was very fun.

I don’t know how to feel.

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He said I’d always be his little sister, that he’d always look out for me. But where is he now? He doesnt care about me.

It was a lie.

[zenis-castle-in-the-sky]

OKAY GUYS I KNOW I HAVE BARELY POSTED BUT GET THIS

I KEEP GETTING DREAMS ABOUT BECOMING A MOTHER AND HAVING A BABY BOY

WHY DOES THIS MATTER? BECAUSE I WANT TO BECOME A MOTHER AND HAVE A BOY

and also because I’m single with little chance of getting the type of guy I want

Which is a Pentecostal Christian dude

ButANYWAYS

I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I KEEP GETTING THESE DREAMS IT’S LIKE MY BRAIN OR GOD IS TEASING ME LIKE HAHA YOU CAN ONLY BECOME A MOMMU IN YOUR DREAMS HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Well it’s NOT FUNNY OKAY I WANT TO HAVE A BABY BOY SO BAD

[zenis-castle-in-the-sky]

I daydream.

And I fantasize.

I await the day we get to meet.

And then I remember.

We aren’t friends anymore.

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In hindsight. I should have never decided to learn Dutch.

It turned out to be for nothing.

I want to keep learning it. But what for? He’s no longer my friend. I’m not going there.

There’s no reason.

[zenis-castle-in-the-sky]

Happy New Years. Here’s a vague yet obvious vent poem to start off 2022.

I had a thought.

Queerplatonic.

No, that doesn’t seem right.

One sided platonic love.

Yes. To do best friend things.

I still like you. But I’m repressing that.

And you?

Well, we’ll circle back on that thought.

“Don’t talk to me.”

Weren’t we already doing that?

Wait.

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

What?

I’m trapped?

I need to be set free?

It’s not good for my mental health.

This relationship we call “friendship”.

Is it even real?

Do you think so?

I did.

But. We did not speak.

You did not reassure me,

that a friendship is what we had.

Even though I wanted to be there for you.

Even though I cared for you.

I think.

You did not feel the same.

One sided platonic love.

I see you did it again.

I still love you.

But I’m giving up.

Goodbye.

I was trapped.

But I did not want to be set free.

As you can see. I’ll be sad for a while. Five year friendship. Gone. It would have been six. But clearly.

It was over before 2022.

[zenis-castle-in-the-sky]

You ever just feel

Lonely

Yeah

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You ever have a dream and your ex is in it and he’s so fricking cute and you wish there was no reason to break up with him but there was so you have to pretend you didnt dream abiut him?

Yeah

[zenis-castle-in-the-sky]

November 12, 2021

So context,

There is no context this is just a nightmare

In my dream, I am home alone and some dude tries to enter my house uninvited. So I’m trying to close and lock the door but somehow he makes it inside. I grab some knives and try to keep him out by stabbing him and slicing at him. It worked like several times. He was out. Then he came back in. Then he was out. Then he came back in. For some reason, I couldn’t turn on the house’s security system. It would tell me, “system arm failed”. What the heck replaced my Simplisafe system?.

Anyways so this dude is just casually tryna enter my house and get his hands on me (idek why he’d want that, I’m literally a fricking fat troll looking gremlin thing) and I’m tryna call 911 (which doesn’t work just like every single time I try to call 911 in my dreams) so I go up the stairs trying to keep this guy out and I stab his hands and I try to cut off his fingers and I try to stab his chest but I’m afraid to kill him because why?? Would I wanna kill a man??

So I end up sticking a knife somewhere and that keeps him down and I run upstairs and into my dad’s bedroom and I find I big fricking safe in there, and I’m like “yesss there’s a gun in here” (why would there be a big fricking gun safe in the middle of his room???) and I SUDDENLY KNOW THE CODE TO OPEN IT?? AND I OPENED IT?? And I took out this really cute rifle that had the stupidest mechanics I’ve ever seen, I think it was modified to work like a type of rapid fire machine gun? Anyways since I’m not afraid to use guns I took that baby out and I immediately tried to figure out how it worked and once I (thought) I figured out out, I decided not to waste any ammo and fire all I got at the dude who invaded my house.

As a side note, the fact that the gun was already loaded with rounds is very weird because usually if a gun is in a safe it’s never loaded, but then again, it’s a dream, so whatever

Anyways so this guy comes up the stairs ready to stab me with my own knife and I just start shooting at him nonstop, his whole body turned into mesh

Like the type of mesh floor you see at playgrounds with the circular holes in it

And he WAS STILL MOVING

So I kept shooting and I kept on and he WAS STILL COMING AT ME AND WALKING INSIDE THE ROOM

So I keep shooting and WOW that gun has INFINITE AMMO??? and then soon enough the guy starts slowing down. And he gets all tired. And he slowly falls to the floor. And he’s like. “I’m tired.”

And he just goes to sleep.. he’s not even dead. Despite the fact that he’s disintegrated.

And I’m safe. But wow I was so afraid.

[zenis-castle-in-the-sky]

November 1, 2021

Recently, it’s become clear how much of a rebel my little sister has become. She is far worse than I was, probably like. Tenfold. She’s expressed once or twice that she wanted to kill our father and I. She’s also been complaining recently that she is depressed and wants to kill herself. And she ONLY says this when she has chores to do and she doesn’t want to do them. Despite that she is always happy and hanging out with friends and doing stuff after school and she’s fit and healthy and is popular. Something i never got to have when i was in school and what made me depressed. Now I know everyone’s depression is different but it doesn’t seem like she is depressed to me.

In my dream, my sister and I were with my dad. Apparently, we were out grocery shopping and we ended up in a car crash in the parking lot. My sister grabbed a gun and then proceeded to shoot our dad dead. I took another gun (idk where these guns are coming from) and tried to shoot my sister because she was about to shoot me next. I didnt want to, but I was desperate to stop her and exact revenge for my dad.

The gun didnt work (was most likely broken or needed to be cleaned) but I kept trying for the next. Day? To shoot her in the head. Switching ammo magazines, her chasing me into a private island home. Somehow the gun I had contained a compartment filled with water so I tried to empty it it but it seemed to be part of the issue. I ran to the ocean and tried to hide behind boats and drive away. I couldn’t. I kept picking up ammo boxes and magazines and it was still somehow impossible for me to shoot her. I ended up running to some fishing spot that some middle aged men were fishing at and told them that my sister killed my dad and was trying to kill me next and I begged one of them to shoot her dead. When my sister came, one of the men pulled out a shotgun and shot her. I then proceeded to go to a house where apparently my aunt and uncle lived and started playing in a weirdly constructed area that my little cousin owned. He’s like. Seven. He shouldn’t own a dangerous construction zone looking area for play.

[zenis-castle-in-the-sky]

10/11/2021 (peom)

An informative image,

Colorless, yet colorful.

The edges of it’s personality stab you uncomfortably.

Tell me it’s pleasing?

My confidence is low,

But it’s my pride.

[zenis-castle-in-the-sky]

10/3/2021

Ayo what the frick

Fricking Chris Chan was in my dream (I think this is the second time he appeared in my dream I’m so done with life).

He was my stalker and this dude did not stop staring at me through my bathroom window (which for some reason was fricking HUGE) from his house

And i could see him sitting at his computer and from his computer he’d cyberstalk me and send me weird messages on social media

I literally tried to write on the window in dry erase marker to leave me alone or I’d call the police on him, but for some stupid fricking reason I kept messing up?? Because I was writing directly on the window for him to see, I had to write backwards, and, well, that’s super frikcing hard

While I was in the middle of writing, somehow he FRICKING ENTERED MY HOME AND OPENED THE DOOR TO MY BATHROOM WHILE I’m STILL SOAKING WET IN A TOWEL AND THIS DUDE TRIED TO HUG ME AND HE’S ALL LIKE “OMG ARE YOU PROPOSING TO ME? ARE WE FRIENDS NOW? LET ME GIVE YOU A HUG”

What the heck?!

It didn’t help that last night I was staying over my grandma’s house for several hours all the way till an hour last my bedtime and I was tired and angry and upset and I just wanted to go home so I could wake up early and go to church. I did kinda feel selfish about it but hello? My mum knew I liked to be home a certain time, she could have brought me to see my grandma like the next day

I did wake up early but I did not get enough sleep so I’m going to take a nap.

[zenis-castle-in-the-sky]

10/2/2021

I keep dreaming of him, but I don’t think he cares.

I honestly cannot remember much. Here is what I do remember. In my dream, I have no idea where I was. It’s hard to describe, so I’ll just say it was some type of annex building. There was an event, or, I worked in it. I think some of my family was there. A couple distant members. I can’t remember if they were in it. I was watching over barrels of alcohol (???) and it was pretty empty. Just several people and I. There was an automated system I had to take care of with a small computer as well.

My friend, Q, came along. No idea why he was here. To visit me? To buy something? To speak with someone in the building? He decided to have a taste of all the different barrels of alcohol. I was paying attention to looking over the room because I was avoiding looking at him, I guess. (When it comes to him, I am sure I would avoid him because I know I’d spend hours just staring at him.) he suddenly started shouting very angrily. I think he mentioned someone’s name? Probably his girlfriend’s. I don’t remember. As his friend, I felt compelled to try to calm him. At first, I’ve called to him by a nickname I gave him. After he didnt respond, I called him by his full name. He turned to look at me after about the second time I said his name. I could barely look at him. I was thinking the alcohol made him angry. Or he was already angry and suddenly his feelings burst.

Either way.

I don’t think I wanna keep having dreams of him. One reason is because I worry over the friends I have dreams about, wether positive or negative. The second reason is because,..

Actually, never mind. It’s the only way he will interact with me, anyways.

[zenis-castle-in-the-sky]

(Poem) 9/9/2021 (happy Cirno day)

Calorie deficit

I want to eat every thing in the whole wide world

Well, not really,

I’m terribly picky, so

Calorie deficit

I want to be fit

Yes I know

I get grossed out when I look at myself as well

Oh, I see

It’s amazing so far how many pounds that fell, oh

How unlucky

I’ve cried so much so I know it isn’t water weight, so

Oh my body

My mouth says yes but the scale says no

I don’t know when’s the next time I’ll eat this, so

Calorie deficit

I want to at everything in the whole wide world

Well, not really

I’m terribly picky, so

Calorie deficit

I want to be fit

Yes, I know,

I’ve been doing everything you’ve been telling me to

And calling me fat is redundant as well

[zenis-castle-in-the-sky]

(Poem) August 11, 2021

Insecure over everything.

My body.

My interests.

My intelligence.

My life.

My death.

Ｍｙ　ｆａｉｔｈ.