#yeah he became an awful terrible person not trying to justify that at ALL. but like

[i-hear-a-sound]

not to be RWDE 😦but can I just… get something off my chest

the chunk of the fndm that scream about how progressive RWBY is and will go out of their way to harass anybody who says otherwise… 90% of the time are the same people who try & justify a fictional fucking child slave of a minority group being branded as property and blinded by his superiors because, yknow, he miiiiiiiight’ve deserved it, right?

[hot-take-tournament]

HOT TAKE TOURNAMENT

PRE-PRELIMINARY #19

Submission 55

Tohru Adachi is a better character than Goro Akechi

[SUBMITTED JUSTIFICATION UNDER THE CUT]

Pre-preliminaries will be used to determine what qualifies as a hot take. Propaganda is encouraged!

Also, remember to reblog your favourite polls for exposure! (exposure like when your exposed to critical levels of radiation)

They're both terrible people but P4 doesn't try to justify Adachi's actions even if you pick the accomplice ending and side with him, meanwhile P5 constantly goes 'but he was sad tho :( his daddy doesn't love him so he's allowed to kill ppl' after the reveal that Akechi's the traitor. Also I did the math and in the cutscene where the train gets derailed alone Akechi killed at least 100x more people than Adachi did in the entire game. There's nothing wrong with liking evil characters (IMO) but acting like they're sweet innocent babies is lame

Adachi and Akechi have similar roles in the story. They’re both the subject of the main mystery of their respective games, the killer and the traitor, and in order to hide their involvement, they have fake detective personas (lowercase p personas not Personas). The issue is that while Adachi’s fake personality is a lovable dork who goofs off work by hanging out in the lobby of a department store, “accidentally” leaks critical information about the case to a bunch of teenagers, and has a weird friendship with an old lady who thinks he’s her son, Akechi's is just generic “crime bad, criminals bad” detective man with zero substance to any of his interactions with the main cast outside of literally all of them fucking hating him (the correct and morally right response to Akechi talking to you). But that’s just their fake personalities, right? It’s totally fine for a completely false, constructed persona to be a little shallow, right? Well Akechi’s real personality is just as bad. I already mentioned how his entire motivation is “Waah my dad doesn’t love me so I’m gonna help him achieve his goals then kill him” which is completely fucking stupid by the way just kill the dude and be done with it if thats what you’re gonna do anyway man, but his personality boils down to ‘generic angsty villain whos gonna get a completely undeserved redemption arc’ (thankfully cognitive Akechi killed him before that could happen, the one good thing he did and it wasn’t even really him). Adachi’s real personality is completely unhinged, his big motivation speech can be summed up as “ACAB!” “But you’re a cop!?” YEAH AND I’M A TOTAL BASTARD WHAT PART OF THAT DON’T YOU GET!?” You love to hate him, and that’s what makes a good antagonist, not feeling sorry for him because his dad doesn’t love him. Guess what Akechi, a lot of people's dads don’t love them and none of them became domestic terrorists to try to regain his love and respect!

And you might think that I’m exaggerating with how the player is supposed to sympathise and eventually forgive Akechi, but after he explains his awful motivation, the first person to extend a hand of sympathy is Haru, the girl who’s father Akechi murdered in front of her like two months prior. The second person is Futaba, who spent her entire adolescence traumatised because she thought she was such a shitty daughter that it drove her mother to suicide BECAUSE AKECHI KILLED HER MOTHER IN FRONT OF HER (the dude’s consistent I’ll give him that.)

[aegor-bamfsteel]

Hey! I’m glad to see more appreciation for the Blackfyres they tend to be demonised a lot in the fandom in large part due to headcanons that Daemon Blackfyre was racist,etc but when you look at him and his whole family how tragic is it that he died so young while watching one of his season be murdered in front of him?! I think one of Daemon’d greatest sins on the eyes of the fandom is him trying to subvert the status quo in a way(and we know what happens to kinfo who attempt to do that Aegon V is a good example he also has my respect for almost ordering Bloodraven’s death and then sending him to the Wall)He grew up as a bastard knew first hand what it is to be ostracised and was used by a narcissistic abuser against Daeron and Daena(possibly if she was still alive which I hope she is!I’m tired of female characters either disappearing or being killed of in childbirth!)Also I kind of hope Daemon actually isn’t Aegon’s son. It would be very poetic in a way that his claim only comes from his mother(who should have been queen instead) and would make Daena’s silence kind of make more sense because why wouldn’t she proclaim her son was the current king‘s hoping to improve his life in a way since being a bastard was already hard enough.Bit yeah some of the anti Blackfyre stuff I’ve seen like how Daenerys I couldn’t have possibly been in love with Daemon it was just propayanda and if Daemon was interested in her it was because of her being legitimate,etc. We barely know anything about that house yet they’re accused of all kinds of awful stop to justify what was done to them. Honestly I feel like they’re the Starks in this case while the Targaryens take the root of the Lannisters in how they treat them though in their case it’s even worse because they’re all family.

Thank you for the thorough ask, kindhearted-ocean! I’ve faced some pushback (some of it rather personal) due to writing some of those headcanons/metas, so it’s always good to hear they improved someone’s fandom experience. Now to talk about your other points, which will be under the cut for length/some wank:

I think it’s evident that GRRM intended Daemon Blackfyre to be a tragic character, or he wouldn’t have made him so much younger and less politically powerful than Da3ron II (he does like his underdogs) nor so sympathetic; if you consider that his possible inspirations were James Scott the Duke of Monmouth (adulterer and religious hypocrite), Henry Trastamara (antisemitic torturer), Simon Montfort (another anti Semitic pogrom starter), among others, you notice his character is much less gray, which is unusual, considering GRRM usually makes his characters darker than their historical counterparts (see for example Rhaenyra versus Empress Matilda). I think you’re right that a portion the fandom dislikes Daemon for “not Remembering his place” in Westeros, even though the treatment of illegitimate children has been criticized in the main series, and the onus would’ve been on Da3ron II—the person with all the power in the relationship—to treat Daemon (a child, since 16 is the age of majority) with something other than suspicion and contempt. One of the reasons why I became so interested in Daemon and Aegor (whose Golden Company chooses their leaders and seemingly based on merit rather than seniority) was their dedication to meritocracy; it didn’t matter the way you were born, or where, or to what family, but all great warriors were welcome. Some people vaunt Da3ron II as a reformer, but compared to what Daemon seemingly could have done, and what Aegor actually did, I don’t see how he materially made things better socially (considering the intellectual elitism and cronyism that went on in his court, quite the opposite).

Thank you for acknowledging that Aegon IV was a terrible person to everyone. In his last years, which Yandel admits he was at his worst, were the years he had acknowledged Daemon. All of his supposed “favoritism” was to use Daemon (I can’t repeat this enough, ages 12-14) against Da3ron (ages 29-31). It’s bizarre that after pages of being told how cartoonishly evil and selfish Aegon IV is, that suddenly he was the perfect doting parent who spoiled Daemon (this was after he raped and murdered Bethany Bracken). That’s just not realistic, and ignores the forms that parental abuse can take. I think Aegon’s opinions toward Daemon were narcissistic, viewing him as an extension of his legacy rather than a person. The signs of narcissistic parenting when applied to Aegon and Daemon make a chilling amount of sense. Not that he had much of a chance to be a parent. While Daena’s fate is unknown, we do know she made a sacrifice to refuse to name the father, and that must’ve had a profound effect on Daemon (possibly contributing to his own ideas of sacrifice for his children), certainly more than anything Aegon did for him emotionally.

If the Daemon/Da3nerys rumored relationship was just propaganda, then GRRM himself bought into it when he said they were “in love” (though what love could two preteens get into, I don’t know). But one wonders whose propaganda it was, since Doran Martell (Da3nerys’ descendant) and Barristan Selmy (Targaryen supporter who killed the last Blackfyre claimant) both believe it. A revolt over an impossible marriage is an easier narrative than an uprising over a corrupt ruling family that ignored systematic injustice for its own gain, since it places blame on Daemon and his heart rather than Da3ron’s misrule (similar to how the Targaryens’ crimes against the Brackens are swept under the rug for Aegor Rivers’ supposed love for Shiera). It also erases Rohanne of Tyrosh, one of the few Essosi (and coded Lebanese, considering Tyrosh is based on Tyre in Lebanon) female historical characters who didn’t die horribly, the only non-Targaryen consort to have named a child, rescuer of the Blackfyre cause after her husband’s death, to support the narrative that Daemon was an evil racist abuser and Aegor somehow worse (also someone posted in her tag that she should be killed, because if antis can’t find canon evidence that Blackfyres were terrible, they have to make it up, and if they can’t even do that, they have to resort wishing violence on tertiary characters for no reason). Then her children Aenys, Haegon, even the 12 year olds Aegon and Aemon have heinous behavior headcanoned onto them to try to retroactively justify their brutal murder by Bl00draven. The Blackfyres never killed a Targaryen, and tried to conduct themselves honorably, while the Targaryens constantly had to resort to war crimes (what has been established as such in-series: killing hostages, denying guest right, targeting squires/standard bearers) to crush already defeated enemies. I think GRRM intended us to feel at least a little sympathy for the Blackfyres in that light.

[midnightdemonhunter]

oh please tell us about the relationship between junko / imposter & what became of them after her death i'm always so curious about it

Oh hell yeah!! Thanks for the ask!

Basically, I think Junko was the darling of class 77, (more simply, the Makoto), and most of the class had some sort of romantic entanglement or deep friendship with her, with only one or two exceptions. Imposter is not one of these exceptions, and they are taken in by her strong personality and excellent mimicking abilities.

Their relationship with Junko takes a turning point when Junko and Byakuya decide to fake-date for the press coverage, (and to avoid rumors about Byakuya's sexuality). Since Imposter is currently ALSO Byakuya, Junko argues they should also fake-date. The original Byakuya encourages this plan, so he can avoid Junko as much as possible. While Byakuya and Junko only dislike each other, Twogami takes the fake-dating assignement a lot more seriously, and ends up having a lot of romantic tension with Junko.

Cue major flirting and closet makeouts, with a huge element of the media capturing their 'scandalous' relationship. Imposter ends up having genuine feelings for Junko, and probably opens up to her the most. Junko thinks they're similar, so she enjoys their company.

Then Junko suddenly hosts a killing game and kills herself, completely inexplicably in Imposter's eyes. Because she became Imposter's closest friend and lover, they decide to take up her identity-- both as a way of honoring her, and of trying to spread her goal of 'despair'.

This is where Twonoshima comes in! If you've seen my remnant askblog, you can tell they're basically just Awful Terrible Despair-filled Junko. This is because they're specifically imitating the version of Junko they saw on tv, and not the one they remember from their school days. They wrestle with this role because it goes against everything they believe in-- but they want to do Junko proud.

Unfortunately, this takes a turn for the worse as Twonoshima doubles down on the performance in the face of their classmates' mixed opinions, and seeks to truly become Junko. By the time sdr2 rolls around, they've completely lost sight of their original self, and successfully turned all their relationships into violent, unhealthy wrecks. This is all justified in the name of 'Despair', something they still don't understand or really know how to define.

Or, to put it more simply and in an echo of their words: "Hers was the most absolute existence I'd ever known."

[w2hazbin]

“Addict” analysis by W2

(requested by @legionarebrainy​)

The music video “Addict” was well-received by the fans of Hazbin Hotel and got a million views ridiculously fast. Besides the killer song and superb animation, it also gives us a closer look at Angel Dust, the only resident of the Happy Hotel.

So what exactly makes this video so great? Let’s take a closer look.

I think the start of the song is very telling:

“Till death do us part

But we're already past that phase

This is a brand new start

And I think I deserve some praise

For the way that I am

Despite having overdosed

And ending up comatose

I don't give a damn

I've let my emotions go

Fuck being a sober hoe”

So far, we don’t know much about Angel Dust besides that he was a gay man who died in the 1940s after an overdose. Angel is an asshole, but he is also a victim of fate since homosexuality was not exactly treated with... kindness back in the 40s. So when he ended up in Hell, he might have seen it as a possibility to start fresh since the sinners are free to do whatever the fuck they want and do not have to worry about consequences since, well... they are dead and in Hell. So Angel says “fuck being a sober hoe” and do all the drugs he wants since he can’t die of overdose, and he can have sex with as many dudes without worrying about the consequences. 

Angel likes attention and clearly gets it as a “slut.” Like when he performs as a pole dancer. And his boss Valentino, one of Hell’s overlords, is one of his fans. We even see something that could be mistaken as chemistry of a sort between the overlord and Angel(it’s not, but we will get to that).

But the gleeful slut Angel Dust is a lie. We get tiny flashes of Angel’s life outside his performances.

We see Angel being miserable and that his apartment is a mess. Despite being a porn star, his apartment is shitty. His best friend Cherri Bomb is there and is trying to comfort him, but note that he has her back to her as if he is embarrassed. And Cherri also looks like she is unsure what to do since she knows that he doesn’t want what he would consider “pity.”

We also have a montage of Cherri running around while either blowing up buildings or setting them on fire. It seems random at first, as if she is just doing it for the (no pun intended) hell of it. But it is implied she is wrecking Valentino’s property, like strip clubs and signs advertising him. It could be her very aggressive way of being passive aggressive toward the scumbag who makes Angel’s afterlife a (I swear, it’s not on purpose) living hell.

We see how awful Valentino is as he takes most of the money Angel earns and then forces himself on him. Angel is trapped in an extremely unsexy and horrible situation where he is essentially Valentino’s toy.

It is also implied that Cherri had her fair share of abuse in the past from this part of the lyrics:

“Yeah, you fell in love

But you fell deeper in this pit”

That, and we see glimpse of a one-eyes demon that Cherri apparently doesn’t remember fondly. Someone who made her “fall deeper in the pit” if I’m guessing right. So perhaps she can relate to the abuse Angel is living through. She apparently taught Angel everything she knows about causing destruction, perhaps so he had a chance of rebelling against his abuser?

The fact that they burn down the strip club Angel performs in at the start of the video does seem like a giant fuck-you toward Valentino who owns the place.

But they do not accomplice much with these acts since Valentino is powerful and wealthy and can just rebuild that place. It’s probably more of an annoyance than anything else. What Angel and Cherri do is more or less the same as toilet-papering someone’s house. Sure, it is revenge, but it is a hollow victory since it won’t actually change much as you only annoy the person. Yeah, they get satisfaction of sticking it to Valentino, but it’s not like they do it to his face. And they shouldn’t, since he is an overlord demon and can make their stay in Hell worse than it already is.

The video ends with Angel at the Happy Hotel who clearly looks unhappy, but he pulls away when Charlie tries to reach out, he even flips her off. Rather heartbreaking since Charlie genuinely wants to help Angel without any hidden agendas, but Angel is too proud to admit that he might need help.

A nice detail is Angel’s room where we see dresses and wigs. Seems like he has a passion for Drag shows. So he must at some point have given up on being a drag queen and instead became a porn actor. That adds another layer to Angel’s tragic afterlife as we see what looks like a broken dream. So much for “brand new start.”

The video ends with what I consider Angel Dust’s “sober” moment:

“I’m addicted to the sorrow

and the buzz ends by tomorrow

There’s another rush of poison flowing into my veins

Giving me a dose of pleasure that resides by the pain”

So Angel knows that his lifestyle is hurting him. He is addicted to living in a way that makes him miserable simply because it gives him a temporary adrenaline rush that he knows won’t last for long.

The thing about living in pain is that it can be hard to consider that your life could be different, some even justify their pain, telling others that you are more than fine. And that’s exactly what Angel does, he brags to Charlie and Vaggie that he is a hot piece of ass and that everyone wants him, That he is a celebrity. But the truth is that he is the abused lapdog of one of the meanest bastards in Hell. Practically no one respects Angel at all. He even had to perform certain... services to his landlord before living in the Happy Hotel since he couldn’t pay his rent. But he graves the rush so badly that he sticks with the moth demon.

But there might be hope. Sure, he doesn’t actually think Charlie’s little experiment actually works, but: “Maybe things won’t be so terrible inside this hotel.”

[egyptian-sun-god]

Never Have I ever S2

SPOILERS.....Turn back now I’m serious.

I’m waiting....

Okay cool your fault at this point

I was fairly critical of NHIE S1, I won’t lie. And I’ll be real I still stand by the fact that NHIE S1 was fairly meh overall. 

But holy shit, they knocked this season outta the world man. The show really really found its proper footing this season. They were smart to keep the cheating for only two episodes and explore the repercussion for the other 8. 

1.Devi Vishwakumar.

Let’s start with the main character.  Devi still does immensely fucked up shit this season. Dating two boys and have them find out in the MOST humiliating way possible. Yikes. Being a really sucky friend to Aneesa and starting that rumour about her (inadvertently) and pretending to her. Stalking her mother and being possessive of her. The really awful apology that was pretty self centred, a bit not good. 

 But she really does do her best to improve and I am SO proud of that. She uses her father’s advice and apologizes better to Aneesa, she actually handled the Ben and Aneesa dating WAAAAY better than I’ve seen some people handle things like that. I might’ve blown a fuse if two of my friends had 4 tickle fights and had major PDA sessions when we were trying to do a group project. Like she handled that shit fairly well all things considered. Devi actually gets into the beginnings of delving into her trauma and her temporary paralysis and healing from it. I

 really see how the label ‘crazy’ weighs on her and how she blew up with it and the message of destigmatizing mental illness. (Crazy Aneesa and Crazy Devi)  Her properly bonding with her mother and watching videos of her father and remembering/honouring his memory hit REALLY HARD (since I lost many people in my family recently and that fear of forgetting them has been real). Devi is actually beginning to heal from the loss of her father by strengthening the relationship with her Amma. And the slap from Paati was so so needed, it really gave her a better respect of her mother and fixed the problem I had with Devi mouthing off so much to her Amma. I live to see good maamiyar marumagal relationships. Her relationship with Paxton is really good and it gets developed very logically and having her be scared of being pathetic but in the end she accepted her own self worth and stopped chasing after them which was good. 

Overall Devi really blossomed into her own developing person and I actually like her so much more this season. 

2. Paxton Hall Yoshida

I was honestly, like genuinely sad last season he was like 80% eye candy with not much else going for him. Paxton had so much faith as a character and Ms Kaling has really pulled him into such a better person this season. 

Paxton got hit by a car before swim season, lost his ticket to college and wow, got two timed by a girl he liked all in two episodes. If he was salty about that for more than one season I would’ve completely accepted it. Cause that’s a bad public humiliation. 

Paxton episode really really made me love him as a character (honestly more so than Ben) I think because I heard Paxton’s entire worry and irritation that he was being underestimated and no one really expected him to go to college from a friend of mine not more than a month ago. That shit is real, and it hurted my friends a lot that people were really underestimating them and just seeing them as a dumb athlete who has no hope of college. It’s really nice to see Paxton actually want to go to college and learn Japanese American side with his Oji-chan giving him advice and supporting him. And him bringing his grandfather to speak about the internment camps, that seriously do not get spoken about enough.

Also him putting effort and making a genuine effort to work hard and bring up his grades with Devi and therefore bonding with her was really nice to see. I wouldn’t mind them being endgame but Devi does really work a lot better as his pushy Indian mom/best friend/tutor.  And Devi getting mad at him for him expecting him to hold his hand throughout really hit well. Was it deserved yeah. But Devi also did blow him off after promising him to study so his anger is justified there. I’m just kinda vibing with Paxton like coming up and taking a better interest in school and being a full 3D character. And that one scene where he gives the extra credit presentation and Trent high fives the man. Classic. 

Can I also just say, it’s kinda valid that Paxton didn’t want to date her in public. Is it a dick move...yeah? But he’s within his rights to ask and she’s within her rights to deny. And he didn’t press her once she said no, he went along with it. And what Devi pulled on him is awful, and speaking as someone who’s seen popular kid cliques. Reputation really is important. Like what Devi did made Paxton lose face, if he gets back with Devi he ain’t gonna have any respect left in him. And Paxton was pretty right in deciding to not date her publicly, like even in the end he knows that his reputation is shot for what he did. Do we even know if Paxton has friends that aren’t fixated on his social status? Because becoming a social pariah without having any support of friends is gonna hurt like a bitch. Lord knows how Paxton gonna deal with it. I think Trent might be his only homie after the social downfall he will inevitably face. 

I’m just gonna say, Paxton is my favourite now and I’m really rooting for him. Something I decidedly did not do last season. I’m happy Ms Kaling developed him so much and got me interested. 

3. Ben Gross

Ah. Ben. Ben’s not my faaavouriteee.......like he’s fine. But I don’t love him. I can definitely see him and Devi becoming an almost endgame couple though. Especially with S2 ending. 

Ben is fine and he’s pretty developed, especially with his episode in S1 and it was good he took a backseat this season and let everyone else star. I feel like he’ll come back strong next season though. 

Personally do I ship him with Devi? No. I’ve been in a friendship with the similar competitive dynamic as Ben and Devi. And it was terrible. We loved to argue and we got each other’s super brainy side as Devi puts it. But we pushed each other faar too much and even the small things became arguments and each pthers achievements became jealousy. So yeah....I don’t have too much faith in the dynamic due to personal bias, but I’d love to see how it gets handled. 

Also my brother Ben, PDA is a thing and it is common courtesy to refrain from it. Man’s really going at it with Aneesa half the time. But also the moment where Aneesa sort of choked on the presentation and Ben’s irritation at it gave me BAAAD vibes. It feels like while Devi can match him, they might push each other too far, 

4. Kamala 

I LOVE KAMALA. Girl is an ENTIRE vibe. My sweetheart, love of my life. I could go on. I really like her development as well and the banter between her and Nalini. The part where Nalini practically said she looked like a call girl and she was like ippadi potathaan velaila mariyaatha kidaikum. I legit had to pause, scream in laughter for a good few seconds. 

They had such a good story with her and wanting to fight against the fact that they took her work and didn’t credit her and everyone was telling her to like take it bowing. Prasanth’s advice unfortunately checked out to me, because I’ve been told that all my life. My dad says it a lot and I know he doesn’t say it cause’ he doesn’t believe in me, but he loves me and wants my life to be easier and for me to succeed and his experience is that he’s had to deal with things like this and fighting won’t help. So yeah, what Prasanth said did not rub me the wrong way at all and I agreed with it and I’m fairly disappointed about that. I get that she got nervous and had cold feet about marriage but I do hope she and Prasanth can work this out through communication. Because I really don’t feel like Prasanth is the bad guy here. It’s just a miscommunication. 

So yeah, a LOT of Kamala’s storyline continues to really hit me hard. 

5. Nalini Vishwakumar

Nalini really had so much more screentime to blossom. I love that she has a good relationship with Mohan’s amma. It’s wonderful and I love it. Also I was shocked to see the house in Chennai. Like this house...in Chennai. The Chennai I’m used to and the Chennai they are used to are different Chennai’s. Basically wealth gap is crazy as hell and I was lowkey highkey confused if the actually shot this shit in Chennai. But props to the directors for putting some proper Tamil vibes in there. Like the scene where they kaala thottu kumbudurathu (touch the elder’s feet) before they leave for the US is so real and so vibes. I like that they decided to bring paati back. I was like hoping for it.

Also they really went at developing Nalini’s character as a workaholic mom who doesn’t get her daughter. That’s also a really common thing in Indian households with one working parent so I’m happy they portrayed that. I’m happy Nalini actually has a life outside her family portrayed and is still such a typical mother that it hits HARD. I love Nalini and she really developed as a character dealing with grief from Mohan’s death, the wish to move on with Dr.Jackson but knowing that she isn’t ready yet. 

They gave her character a life and proper working outside Devi and it really has shown to develop her character and impact her relationship with Devi. The advice to “just say yes” works with cousins and younger siblings as well, I’ve heard it before and used it..and it saves so much time. Especially with small children. 

(A memory I have is of my younger cousin going on and on about a princess and a castle and fighting a dragon and the witches and so much fantasy shit and ended with do you wanna come? I just clocked off my CCA’s and I had no energy left to question it so I just went yeah sure. Easiest decision, and 10/10 advice. )

6. Aneesa

I’m not gonna lie. I was skeptical of Aneesa and I didn’t like how Devi saw her in the trailer. But Aneesa reminds me so much of me....and its killing me. 

Also the scene where she charms the hell out of Nalini and paati ma has literally happened to me before. Most of my Indian friends hate it..because I was raised with a lot more traditional manners with my grandparents so me and my siblings all are old fashioned which parents LOVE. And I really saw that Aneesa charming them and Devi also realizing, Damn none of my friends actually treat my family the way they should be treated, perks of having an Indian friend. 

Also the scene where she gets Devi out of trouble is so so real. Because if you have one responsible friend that you parents trust, you could lie the hell to them, get you homie to back you up and it will work. Personal experience. So yeah, Aneesa character resonated with me a lot.

I also like that she wasn’t just a popular 1D Indian girl but she was genuinely cool and actually had proper issues and development where she gets more open to Sherman Oaks and actually kinda properly rebels against Noor, with having Ben as a boyfriend. 

I feel like Aneesa has a lot more potential for growth, especially with the relationship with Ms Noor and Aneesa acting as a foil to Nalini and Devi’s. Also, I feel like Aneesa can grow within her social status at school as well and have Devi maturely handle it. Aneesa I feel will really really challenge Devi’s ability to be mature. 

7. Eleanor and Fabiola’s plotlines

Okay like actually, major props to Ms Kaling man. This show touches so so many teen issues in one goddamn show. Emotionally manipulative relationships. So SO good. A lot of newer age relationships have a much more subtle and dangerous line of abuse that’s hard to find out. Like honestly it took me a while to see it as well and I realized oh fuck. oh fuck...I see it it’s bad. They really got the essence of Eleanor’s flamboyance matching with Malcom? (is it Malcolm..fuck it it’s Malcolm now) his “suaveness” and traditionally charming tendency. It made sense and it’s very realistic how Eleanor got played like a damn fiddle. I also again feel that the make up was faar to quick but I really appreciate that Eleanor got her own storyline with her step-mom and understanding of relationships instead of the show hyperfocusing on just Devi. I respect that a lot.  Petition to get a Eleanor narration episode. 

Fabiola’s storyline also was well taken. It’s an interesting added layer to the queer experience and how queerness can be expected to be performative and but really its all about being more of yourself. The idea that queer people don’t owe nobody anything or have to perform an ideal version of queerness and Fabiola struggling with that kinda hit. The part where they talked about her mother learning to support them and being Cricket? Queen/King. Like being trailblazers for the POC community and the LGBTQ+ community having overlapping struggles. Again, I liked that Fabiola was getting more personal screentime and less of her story revolving around Devi’s. 

8. Everything else

I liked that there was more Tamil being casually thrown around. Like the Kamala vaadi to hold the suitcase down as they zipped it together was funny and relatable. The accents were really interesting because I promise you, I had no clue what they were saying sometimes. Nalini’s dialogues in Tamil were like immensely difficult to understand, and my Tamil is fluent. This isn’t a criticism... I’m fairly certain the difference is to do with the regional difference. American Tamil and Malaysian + rural Tamil slang are going to have huge accent differences so there’s no surprise that I found Nalini’s Tamil hard to understand. 

I’m really really really meh about the Kamala and Manish/Mr Kulkarni thing. I still think she should sort it out with Prasanth maybe but I’m open to seeing where it goes. I might change my mind with it. 

This show like any other show had its highs and lows. But I really really do feel that NHIE season 2 managed to truly figure out what the hell it wants to do and developed into a very strong and very entertaining show in terms of representation and diversity. I’m looking forward to season 3. 

[writeroutoftime]

first fights

pairing: james (teotfw) x reader (requested by: anon)

summary: when you and james get into your first fight, harsh words are shared, and you leave, scared of your boyfriend. now he must try and make it up to you. 

warnings: couple arguing (?)

words: 1640

a/n: this is another request that is so, so late, which (again) I apologize for! however, I hope that you enjoy it and that you see this, now that this is up. it is always interesting to write for james because his character can be hard to pin down sometimes, so I hope I did a good job. enjoy and have a fabulous day!

oOoOO

There hadn’t been some grand declaration of love or showy display of romance when you and James got together. Instead, it had been a quiet, yet heartful, conversation at lunch one day, and here you were five months later. Despite what everyone thought of yours and James’ relationship, it had been wonderful. Sometimes you worried that you had yet to have your first fight, but quickly dismissed the thought each time. If you and James hadn’t fought yet, you weren’t going to provoke anything.

While others criticized you for going out with the ‘freak’ of the school, you couldn’t care less. James cared for you and you cared for him. Besides, you did not find James to be a ‘freak,’ he was just extremely private and shared very little about his past. All that you knew was that he lived with his dad, and that his mum had passed away when he was younger, and you respected what James did and did not want to share with you.

Part of this secrecy was that James had yet to invite you to his house when the two of you spent afternoons after school and your days together on the weekend. Normally, you hung out at your house or at the park, but today your parents we’re hosting friends for an early dinner, and therefore, you could not go.

“Could we go to your house, today?” you asked casually as you and James walked close to each other in the hallway, fingers brushing against each other every few steps. 

James tensed at your question and begin to fidget with the book curled to his chest. “Um, I don’t know. Couldn’t we just go to the park or something?” he asked.

You laughed at his suggestion, not realizing he was serious. “It’s pouring, James.” you reminded him, your statement further justified by a large clap of thunder. “Come on, I’ve never even seen your house before. Please?” you pleaded.

“Okay.” James relented and you squeezed his hand as a thanks.

oOoOo

When the two of you arrived at James’ house, he quickly ushered you inside and tried to steer you towards his room, but his success was stopped by a voice that came from the kitchen. “That you, James?”

There was a long stretch of silence before James finally answered. “Yeah.”

Suddenly, a bearded man rounded the corner who was just a bit taller than James and balding. Though the resemblance wasn’t perfect, there was enough there for you to infer that this was James’ dad.

“Who do you have with you?’ he asked cheerfully as he wiped his hands on a tea towel.

Another stretch of silence before you stepped in front of James and stuck your hand politely to shake the man’s hand. “I’m y/n, James’ – “

“Friend, my friend.” James interrupted, hurriedly and glancing down at the floor.

His dad looked between the two of you for a moment before he smiled. “Well it’s nice to meet you. I need to go and grab some things for dinner, James. I’ll be back soon, so no funny business.” he joked and walked out the door you had just come in.

Wordlessly, James lead you into the, now, vacant kitchen. “Hungry?” he asked.

“Sure.” you mumbled, not certain how to feel about what just occurred.

Neither you nor James spoke as he prepared a snack, which was normal for your relationship, but the once comfortable silence now felt heavy and awkward. Eventually, James placed the cut apple on the table, and you began to work on your homework. The only conversation came in mumbled questions about the correct answer.

When the silence became too much, you snapped. “Why did you tell your dad that I was your friend?”

James’ only response was the scratch of his pencil against paper.

“Are you ashamed to be with me?”

“No.” he mumbled.

“Do you want to end our relationship? Is this your messed-up way of telling me?” you continued to interrogate, desperate for an answer.

This caught his attention, and, finally, he looked at you incredulously. “No, that’s not it.”

His clipped responses were beginning to annoy you. “Then what is it?” you asked, exasperated. “We’ve been together nearly half a year, and this is the first time I’ve been to your house. You began, your frustration and insecurities rising to the surface.

James rose from the table and walked away from you, leaning against the counter, silent and his back turned to you.

“When I finally do meet someone in your life, you lie about the fact that we’re in a relationship!” you continued, James’ silence only egging you further. “I mean sometimes I feel as though I’m the only one putting any effort into this relationship!”

“That’s not true and you know it.” he responded, his voice low and dangerous.

His back was still towards you, and all you could see were his tensed shoulders, his fist clenched around something, and you could only guess that his facial expression matched his body language. You knew the things you said probably brought up James’ insecurities and further justified the things people said about him, but in the moment you didn’t care. You wanted him to understand how you were feeling.

“Really?” you countered, voice rising quickly. “I just don’t understand why we’re keeping this act up. I mean people whispered and warned me this would happen, but I thought you were different. Maybe I was wrong- “  

“Shut up!” James shouted and slammed the object that had been clutched in his fist – a knife – into the counter.

Despite your best efforts, you couldn’t help the shriek that left your lips at James’ action, which caused him to let his guard down and turn to look at you. There was a frightened looking in your eyes, which absolutely destroyed James inside.

He took a shaky step towards you. “y/n, I’m sorry,” he began.

Before he could go any further, though, you stood from your chair and began to walk backwards out of the kitchen. “I’m going home now.” you whispered, yet your voice still shook, and soon your back hit the wall.

As James tried to come closer to you, you took the chance to turn and run outside of the house, passing his father who had just returned. James, who had followed you outside, stopped as he watched your figure retreat down the street, despite the pouring rain. While every instinct he had told him to follow you, he knew he was probably the last person you wanted to see. Dejectedly, James turned back into his house and locked himself in his room, ignoring his father’s question.

oOoOo

Days passed and you ignored every call and text James sent you, and you pretended he didn’t exist each time he attempted to talk to you and school. The separation killed both of you, and made you wonder if your relationship would last. Who would have guessed your first fight would’ve ended like this?

Eventually, James had had enough and went to your house with flowers. It was your parent who opened the door, and they gave him a harsh look. While you did not share all the details about your fight with James, they knew something bad had happened between you both.

“May I see y/n?” he asked, the flowers at his side, lamely.

Before he could be turned away, you appeared in the door and gave your parent a look, and stepped outside with James, the door closed behind you. Awkwardly, you stood in front of your boyfriend (if you could still call him that), with your arms crossed and eyes trained on the ground.

James figured you wouldn’t be the first to speak, so he took a chance. “What I did was inexcusable, y/n. You have no idea how hurt I was when I saw you afraid of me. It was like every terrible thing people have whispered about me came true in that moment. Ever since you ran out, I haven’t been able to get the mental image of you, terrified, out of my mind.

It’s just that everything you said hit home for me, which doesn’t excuse my response.” he hurried to add on. “I know I’m rubbish at sharing details about my life, and I know I don’t always let you know how much you mean to me, but you do mean a lot. And I didn’t say anything to my dad because I wanted our relationship to be just the two of us. The more people who know, the greater the chance I have at losing you. I know, it’s stupid. Just another insecurity of mine, I guess.” James rambled, his voice getting softer towards the end of his impromptu speech.

“I’m sorry.” he finally admitted, looking you in the eyes.

For a moment, James was fearful that this was the end, but your gentle voice filled the room seconds later. “I’m sorry too, James. I said, awful, horrible things to you. Things that I don’t think are true.” you said as you grasped for an explanation for your horrid behavior. “My own insecurities got in the way, and instead of talking to you about them, I let them build and build until I snapped.” you said as a few tears ran down your cheeks.

“I truly am sorry, James.” you continued. “Is there any way you could forgive me?”

James gave you a soft smile at your question. “Yeah. Long as you can forgive me.” he said but left the statement open-ended like a question.

Nodding quickly, you wrapped your arms around James and just let him hold you. No words were needed and, once more, the silence between you both was comfortable and familiar. With your first fight in the past, your relationship was stronger than ever. 

[yoosnngs]

I wrote this a while ago. I just want to share it here because this is my new Mysme blog. 

Sooo. The main reason why people hate Yoosung so much it's because he's ''obsessed'' with Rika and wants MC to fill that void.

First of all, he only compares MC to Rika for like... 2 or 4 days. The whole story is 11 days long. People act like he does this throughout his whole route, which is not true AT ALL. If you're trying to get the good ending, the moment you tell him to STOP comparing you to Rika  and that you are NOT her, HE STOPS. HE DOESN'T BRING IT UP ANYMORE. HE JUST STOPS. This whole Rika drama thing only lasts for literally 2 or 4 days. That's it.

SECOND OF ALL, I am not even mad that he wants MC to be Rika. It is totally understandable and justified. You know why? Because he never coped with her death properly. Rika was the most important person in the world to him.

I haven't played MM in uh... A year, so I don't remember the details. BUT, Yoosung became a better student thanks to Rika. He had goals and aspirations thanks to her. She meant everything to him. And no, he was not in love with her. 

So Rika dies. And Yoosung finds out THE DAY OF HIS GRADUATION. Mind you, he was a GREAT student, so OBVIOUSLY, this day was important to him??? But now the person that means the most to him is dead? AND HIS FRIENDS WON'T TELL HIM ANYTHING!!

THAT IS THE WORST PART. ALSO, the rest of the RFA treated him VERY badly. And it's terrible considering he's younger than all of them and they're supposed to be friends... Rika's death clearly affected him so much. He went from being class president (I think?) and getting good grades, to skipping classes in college and playing video games all day. HE IS CLEARLY NOT DOING WELL AT ALL. NOT EVEN A TINY BIT. AND IT'S OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE OF RIKA'S DEATH.

And what do the rest of the RFA do??? Make fun of him for being obsessed with LOLOL, tell him that he is too short, that his hoodie is ugly, that his life is a mess. Seriously? Instead of making those comments, have you tried to stop and think WHY he's acting the way he is???

You think that it's normal that this kid who used to be an amazing student and had goals, suddenly doesn't care about his future at all anymore??? YOU THINK THAT'S NORMAL?? I love the RFA, but they're awful friends to Yoosung, idc. Specially the older ones. They really suck.

So yeah, Yoosung never coped with Rika's death well, so of course he wants MC to fill that void. He meets this new person who is going to be doing Rika's job and he gets excited. IT MAKES SENSE. YOU CAN'T BLAME HIM FOR THAT.

The RFA should have helped him, instead of making jokes about him and ignoring his problems.

[connorandersons-blog]

Kinktober Day 4: Public, Convin

Another Connor/Gavin! So this one is super long, like 10k words, so if you want you can also read it here on my A03. Anyway, hope you enjoy!

---------------------------------

They were on a vacation, well, it was a forced vacation but still. The whole office had gotten tired of their shit, and Connor often heard people (including Hank) murmuring about tension and rooms. 

They were even getting paid too, so it wasn't like he could even complain so much. He could complain because instead of just going to some beach and staying far away from each other as possible, Gavin (and Hank, and Tina, and literally everyone who heard) decided it was best to go on a road trip. Across the entire country, stopping to visit tourist stops or sleep. 

So that was why Connor was sitting in the passenger seat of Gavin's truck-a 1990 Ford F150 XLT-his arms crossed staring out the window. 

The silence was so awkward even with Gavin's music playing, and he had no idea what to do. He could fall back on his programming, but he wasn't going to resort to being a machine just because someone couldn't stop being an ass for two seconds. 

This was probably the longest he's been silent and they'd only been on the road for an hour. 

It was simultaneously the most boring and interesting trip he'd been on. He hadn't gotten to travel outside of Detroit except for when he was briefly flown to DC. That had been an interesting and incredibly stressful trip that he never wanted to repeat again.

He had a feeling this would be a similar situation sadly. His first real vacation and he had to take it with Reed of all people. Why did the universe seem to hate him so much?

The silence kept up for the next four hours, but at least the scenery was nice. He gently drummed his fingers against his leg, enjoying the music. Another small thing to be grateful for, Gavin didn't have awful music tastes. 

"That's it. You've never been on a road trip right?" Gavin asked so suddenly Connor almost jumped out of his skin. 

He looked over but Gavin's eyes were still trained on the road. Connor wasn't exactly sure where this was going, but perhaps he could indulge him. "I have not."

"Ok, so we're gonna play the ABC game. You can't use cars, only signs. When you see a letter you call it out. It's whoever sees it first, and you can't use a sign twice. If it's the same sign but in a different place then that's fine. No using your weird android powers." Gavin drummed on the steering wheel once he turned down the music. "If I gotta be stuck in this car with you you're gonna have the full experience." 

Connor blinked multiple times, trying to take it all in. A game? He did a quick search and found they were incredibly common and used to pass the time or stay focused. "Very well, that sign there has an A." He points out. 

Gavin huffed and looked around, squinting slightly. "B! Hah!" 

Connor couldn't help the small grin as he put his feet on the ground and leaned forward. He was so going to win this game. 

They called out the letters sometimes loud enough to be considered yelling. It was more of a competition than a calming game. Yet it got increasingly difficult and it had both of them dying to see any sign.

It was only three more hours later when Gavin and he both pointed at the same sign, "Z!" 

There was a long bit of silence before they both broke into cheers, clapping, and even giving each other small pushes on the shoulder. 

"Fuck yeah! Alright, so I'm thinking some food, bathroom then keep going. You can drive and pick the music." Gavin said, more lively than he'd ever seen him. 

Connor felt something odd in his chest, something he didn't dare identify. Yet it was so strong when he watched Reed. "Very well, but I do not need food or a bathroom break. How much longer would you like for me to drive. Since I'm an android I can keep going without becoming tired." 

Gavin easily waved him off. "Not long, just enough to get us until nightfall, then we can find some shitty motel. Just don't want to get burnt out on the first day." 

Connor gave a soft hum and leaned back onto the chair. "I must admit, I'm surprised you chose this over a beach or something like that." 

Gavin chuckles and Connor's stomach twisted. "Yeah, well… I've been meaning to but never had the time. They're literally paying me to babysit you." 

He could tell there was no real malice behind his words, yet he could also tell he was lying. Why would Gavin feel the need to lie about this answer, it wasn't anything truly personal. 

Yet he'd let it slide, maybe this trip would somehow work out their differences. After he could ask again, and maybe he'd give an honest answer. 

But it was still a bit odd Gavin lied. He often didn't and so he always took note when he did. Sometimes it was hard to tell and he assumed there was more to it than just yes or no. Like when he asked if Gavin really hated androids and Gavin had said yes. It came off as a lie but also the truth. 

They pulled off the highway once there were signs of there actually being something to eat that Gavin liked. 

Gavin gave a long sigh as they waited for the drive-through, but thankfully they didn't have to wait too terribly long. 

"Ok, you want anything? 'Know you don't eat but still. A soda, anything?" Gavin asked once they pulled up to the order screen. 

Connor looked over the menu before giving a small hum. "A small drink, surprise me." He could drink, not in excessively but more than he could actually eat. Sadly the place didn't offer android products, so he'd have to stick with a drink. 

Gavin nodded and ordered his, but made Connor plug his hears and hum. Apparently, he wanted to test to see how well Connor could identify the drink without using his 'android powers'. 

He even had to keep his eyes closed as Gavin got their order and paid (Connor offered to but got turned down fast), taking his food and drink, putting them down before parking. 

"Alrighty, open your mouth, and you can't use your tongue." Gavin said, tapping Connor's chin. 

"Technology I have to use my-" but he was cut off by a straw being shoved into his mouth. He could hear Gavin snickering so he just held the straw in his mouth, playing with it. 

There was a soft sound of Gavin's breath catching and the hand lowering. Connor was quick to grab the drink, just in case, but instead, he hand rested on top of Gavin's. 

He took a long sip, eyes still closed. He hadn't tasted many sodas yet this one didn't taste exactly like any of the ones he had. "Pepsi?" Yet that couldn't be right. 

"Open your eyes now, dipshit." Gavin moved his hand away and let Connor hold it. "You got it wrong, by the way. But you can use your tongue now." 

Connor nodded and instantly analyzed it before sighing. Of course, he didn't recognize the taste. "This is a combination of Pepsi and Rootbeer! That's cheating, Detective." He scolded but still drank more. He had to admit, it did taste really good. 

"Gavin."

"I'm sorry?" 

"Call me Gavin. I don't need to hear my rank the whole trip, and you calling me by my real name isn't going to kill me… Connor." 

He had to admit, it did sound a bit odd coming from Gavin. He could tell he felt the same since he grimaced like he tasted something sour. 

"Very well Gavin. I just assumed you preferred otherwise, since the last time I did use it you tried to kill me." He sassed, smirking slightly. 

Yet Gavin winced and ducked his head. "Yeah… that wasn't my best idea. I'm, well, I'm glad I failed?"

That was as close of an apology as he was probably ever going to get. "I am glad you did too. Though, I do apologize for using excessive force. I could have handled the situation better." He did feel bad about that, he hated to see Gavin passed out on the floor even if he had tried to kill him. He never liked killing or harming anyone, but sometimes it was necessary to protect his own life. 

Gavin snorted then it quickly devolved into honest laughter. Connor was beyond confused but couldn't help the small chuckle that escaped him. "Wait, what's so funny?" 

"I-I was literally," Gavin tried to say between laughs, "I held a gun to your fucking head, Con. You could have easily killed me but you left me. Sure it hurt like a bitch after, but we're both alive. I deserved more than that very quick fight." 

For some reason, the nickname was more shocking than anything else. It was the first nickname not derived from anger or hate. "I should have just detained you. Or managed to talk you down." 

"The only way you could've talked me down was if you suddenly became deviant." 

Connor frowned and tried to understand what that meant. "Wait, what?" 

Gavin's eyes went wide and he grabbed the bag. "Uh, I'll throw this away, pee then we can get back on the road." 

Connor didn't even have time to ask him to wait before Gavin was out of the car and jogging to the restaurant.

What could Gavin had meant by that? Did he have more negation tactics as a deviant? He couldn't of anything he didn't already know. 

Yet that also offered the idea that Gavin knew about the true meaning of deviation, that he knew it wasn't simple errors but real emotions. 

But that also brought up why Gavin had actually confronted him in the first place. He had assumed it was because Gavin had simply had enough of him and was finally taking his chance. He could have easily used Connor disobeying direct orders to justify it too.

How could him being deviant have stopped Gavin from attacking?

He was shaken from his thoughts when Gavin tapped on his window. Right, he was supposed to drive now. 

They traded spots silently, and Gavin stayed quiet except to softly sing along to the songs. His voice was nice and oddly calming. Connor decided not to sign considering he's never actually done it before. He knew android could, I mean, look at the revolution. Yet he hadn't really done it himself yet. 

He kept driving, following the highway, and only changing directions when Gavin directed him. Connor could tell he was getting sleepy by the adorable why his blinks got longer and the deeper he slid into his chair. 

He didn't even say anything as Connor pulled off the highway and then found a 'shitty motel'.

Gavin's eyes were closed and Connor hated to wake him. He doubted he could sleep heavy enough that Connor could get them each a room, carry Gavin to his without waking him. 

He looked around and found a piece of paper and a pen. He quickly wrote down he was getting them rooms before slipping out of the car. He didn't need Gavin waking up and wondering where he'd gone. 

The lights were on so he walked in, and looked around. Shitty was a pretty good description actually. He didn't even want to scan it to know how many germs there were. 

"How can I help you?" A woman asked, walking into the area, a bright smile on her face. 

"I'd like two rooms please." He stepped up to the counter but thought better of leaning against it. 

"Alright, well we got three rooms, one has two beds and it's non-smoking, and the other two are smoke friendly. Which would'ya like?" 

Connor sighed, rubbing at his LED. He despised the smell of smoke and he knew Gavin had only recently quit. Being in a room full of that smell wouldn't help. And he wanted to get them a room now considering how tired Gavin seems. 

Fuck it. 

"I'll take the room with two please." It was an ok compromise but he doubted Gavin would see it that way. 

The woman nodded and grabbed the keys after Connor had paid for the night. It was pretty cheap, but he guessed it was from lack of quality. 

He jogged back to the trunk, opening to get in and grab his bag, but also wake Gavin. He was slumped against the window, mouth slightly open, and looking completely relaxed. 

"Gavin, come on, we're at a motel." He whispered, reaching out. Instead of shaking his shoulder, Connor's treacherous hands decided to gently card through Gavin's soft hair. Neither of them had styled their hair so it easily flopped into Gavin's face and felt silky smooth under Connor's fingers. 

He wondered if Gavin liked his hair being played with or not. Maybe he liked it tug-no. He was not going down that rabbit hole. 

He quickly snatched his hand away when he saw Gavin's eyes blink open. He looked around then back to Connor with almost a confused expression. "Con?" His voice was a bit scratchy and Connor was ready to die. He just looked so soft like this, so much more at ease. 

"Hey, we're stopping for the night. I got us a room but there was only one left." A small but necessary lie. 

Gavin groaned and mumbled around reading enough fanfiction but he pushed himself up, running his own hand through his hair. "There's more than one bed right?" 

"Of course. I would have carried you but I thought you'd prefer being woken up." He reached behind and grabbed Gavin's bag for him, placing it in his lap before turning off the truck and pocketing the keys. 

Gavin mumbled some more but slid out of the truck with a huff, following silently to the room. 

It wasn't the worst motel, but Connor really hated the number of germs he found. He walked around the room, checking everything before looking out the back window. There was a small stream that flowed behind the building and Connor unlatched the window so they'd be able to hear it. Not necessarily the safest idea, but Connor was there and Gavin could actually take care of himself. 

Gavin dumped his bag onto the beg closest to the door, pulling out a change of clothes before muttering about using the bathroom first. It was almost like he forgot that Connor had absolutely no need for a bathroom. 

He took the time to change, folding his clothes before putting them in his bag. He grabbed his pajama bottoms with cartoon robot heads on them, a gift from Hank. 

He normally went shirtless but thought better of it. Not just for Gavin's sake, but he preferred to cover as much skin as possible before touching anything in this room. 

He was odd that way. He had no problem sampling evidence or putting anything in his mouth he was dared to. Yet on occasions like these, his brain gladly supplied every disgusting thing and it made his skin crawl. 

He heard the shower start but Gavin didn't even take more than ten minutes before he was stepping into the room again. Connor was still standing in front of his bed, fiddling with his bag. Hank had given him a gift but now felt a bit too self-conscious to pull it out. 

"Cute." Gavin mumbled at him before flopping onto his own bed, only taking the time to get under the covers before falling right back asleep. 

Gavin had called him cute. Or maybe it was just the pajama bottoms that were cute, and not him. Or he was simply too tired to know what he was saying, so instead of good night, it came out as cute. 

Yeah, he didn't believe that last one either. 

Connor gave one last look at his bag before zipping it closed. Once he had his own room to himself, then he'd use it. For now, he laid down and let himself be pulled into stasis. 

He woke up fairly early to the sound of Gavin moving around. He was a bit surprised that he hadn't woken up first considering how tired Gavin had seemed the night before. He checked his clock and saw it was only six in the morning. 

Perhaps he often went to bed early, but Connor had noticed he stayed at the precinct almost as long as he did. It was a bit concerning, to say the least. Maybe this trip would give Gavin the extra sleep and relaxation he needed. Surely the man was always on edge with the lack of sleep.

He stretched out on the bed and just listened to the small stream. The bed creaked with every small movement, the germs made his skin crawl, Gavin was the only person he knew for miles, but it wasn't so bad. Oddly freeing in a way. Sure he worried about what was happening back in Detroit, but he trusted Hank not to get into too much of a slump. If he did Connor would be back as soon as he could. 

He let his eyes slipped closed again, but he had to hold his breath when he heard something unexpected. He could hear Gavin singing a song Connor knew had played on the trip here. It was fairly upbeat and he thought he could hear the sound of heavier footsteps, indicating Gavin could be dancing. 

It was oddly charming and the smile on his face only grew wider. It was strange, he knew Gavin was his own person but for some reason now he saw him truly human. He wasn't just a pain in the ass, he sang in the shower and got Connor a soda without a second thought. He was just so… alive. 

Perhaps there was much more to Gavin he'd get to see. The stress of being around peers you'd known for a long time could be hard, but also harder to be able to change because of expectations. Yet everyone was changing constantly, even in little ways. 

Connor had taken to wearing clothes similar to Hank while not at work. He knew he wouldn't stay with that style, but he still had time to learn what was really him. His opinions and taste in certain things would always be influenced by others, even people he'd rather not be influenced by. 

If the world, android, and humans have him a second chance after everything he's done, then Gavin deserved a second chance as well. 

He heard the singing stopped, then the water cutoff, and he kept his eyes closed and body still. He didn't want Gavin to get embarrassed over his bathroom habits since he liked it. It would be a good reminder that Gavin had his own emotions more than anger. 

The door opened and closed incredibly softly. He had to hold back from smiling from the obviousness of Gavin trying to be quiet for Connor. 

"God, can't believe this is real." He heard Gavin mumble as he padded around the room, no doubt trying to find something to do. 

Connor gave it a few minutes before he flashed his LED, mostly to get Gavin's attention as he 'woke up'. 

He stretched once again and let out a long sigh. He took another minute until he opened his eyes. 

He could see out of the corner of his scanners that Gavin seemed to be gawking at him, and could faintly hear his heartbeat speed up. 

Sitting up slowly, he looked around eyes landing on Gavin who snapped out of whatever that was. "Good morning, Det-Gavin. Did you sleep well?" 

Gavin mumbled something and rubbed at the back of his deck, eyes on his lap. "I guess, sorry for passing out on you." 

Connor easily waved him off. "No need, you needed the sleep and I enjoyed driving. Perhaps I can drive for now and then we switch whenever you'd like." 

Gavin nodded and seemed to be thinking hard about something. He wished Gavin had an LED so he had some idea if it was negative or not. 

Connor ran a hand through his hair, giving the curls a slight curl to try and force them into place. He didn't like how much it tangled during the night since deviancy apparently made androids move while asleep. 

"Yeah, ok. But save your energy cause there's something we gotta do tonight." Gavin grabbed his bag and looked around. He hadn't really taken anything out since he'd instantly fallen asleep.

Connor would need to change but otherwise, he was also ready. "Very well, may I ask what we are doing?" 

Gavin smirked and crossed his arms. "No, you may not. You just have to experience it." 

Connor squinted and got up to grab his bag, hiding an honest smile. "I can do that. Excuse me while I change." 

He had no problem changing out in the open but humans and sometimes even bother androids were a bit shy about it. Yet Connor had no problems with it but still went to the bathroom for Gavin's sake.

There was also the matter of Hank's gift he didn't want Gavin to see. He guessed this is probably what humans felt on the subject of nudity. It was truly nothing to be embarrassed about, he knew Markus had a few, and North would never admit it but he knew she had one. He wondered if Gavin had one as well, or perhaps he just didn't find the pleasure in it anymore. 

He pulled it out of his bag so he could get his new clothes, then changed and put it all away again. At least Gavin hadn't asked about why his bag seemed so full when he didn't need much. 

As long as he didn't roll in mud, or somehow get dirty he could wear the same clothes every day if need be. It wasn't like he could sweat (though they were working on that to possibly help to cool). 

When he stepped out Gavin was going through actual stretches, and Connor took a second to appreciate the sight. Sure they may fight and not even like each other, but he'd be blind if he didn't see the man as attractive. 

He obviously kept his body in shape, and with how easily he moved, he stretched quite a lot. It wasn't just the attention, it was almost beautiful to watch as his muscles moved as he changed positions. 

His eyes kept wandering over his body, not having realized he hadn't moved an inch or said anything. Gavin hadn't said anything either as he slowly breathed through each stretch. 

Then he shook himself out and looked at Connor with a slight smirk. "Like what you see?" 

"Yes," Connor said without much thought. Gavin seemed to choke on his breath and Connor had to shake himself. "I-uh, well you do keep yourself in very good shape, it's nice to see someone doing that. Perhaps you could give Hank tips." 

Yep, he really needed to think about Hank right now. Not that he didn't love the man, he adored him, but there were things he didn't want to see and it helped get his reactions under control. 

Gavin gave a slight hum before grabbing his bag. "Alright, so stop to get some coffee then back on the road." 

Connor followed him out the door, stopping by the front desk to give back the keys. He still had the truck keys so Gavin had to wait for him to get there and unlock it. 

They were both silent as Connor drove to the nearest coffee shop. It was a little old thing, family-run, but the reviews were nothing but praise. 

Gavin climbed back into the car with a cup and a smile on his face. "You've got to taste this, it's fucking perfect." 

Connor took the cup and opened the lid, and before Gavin could warn him, stuck his finger in. He hissed and took it out, instinctively putting it in his mouth to try and cool it off. 

Gavin doubled over in laughter and Connor could have sworn the sun got brighter. It was such a beautiful sound and it completely made up for the fact that he forgot to turn his temperature and pain sensors off. The other good thing was the coffee was very delicious. 

"God damn! Connor, oh my god. It's fucking hot, what did you expect!" Gavin whizzed. Connor pouted slightly but it only got Gavin to laugh even harder. 

"Hey! I only got these updates recently, it's not like I'm fully used to them yet." He put the lid back on and put it into the cupholder. 

Gavin finally calmed down, but his eyes were shining and he still had a wide smile on his face. "Dumbass, but what did you think? Or were you too distracted by being burned?" 

"I think it tastes adequate, but a bit too much sugar." He was lying his ass off, Gavin was right, it tasted perfect. Yet it didn't compare to the sound of Gavin's laughter or his smile.

"Yeah, yeah, sure. Ok, let's get this show on the road. You get to pick the music this time since you're the driver." Gavin leaned back into his chair, resting his body against the door. 

Connor nodded and reached out to the radio, connected it through bluetooth. He had plenty of songs he liked but it was also very chaotic in style. He'd been experimenting and hadn't found a genre he liked more than the others, so he just picked his liked playlist.

Gavin didn't comment on it exactly, but he did frown and look adorably confused at some of the song choices.

Gavin then decided it was a nice day out, turned off the AC then rolled down his window. Connor gave a mental shrug and rolled down his own, letting a hand rest out. He hadn't driven much with the windows down, and if he did he never stuck his hand out. 

Now he let his hand and arm feel the wind against it and it felt almost painful. He knew the speed they were going wasn't good for actual humans so he glanced at Gavin to say so, and almost died. 

He was once again glad to be an android and could easily drive while staring at Gavin. His hair was whipping around him, and his eyes were closed. He was just so serene that he never wanted it to stop. Gavin obviously wasn't asleep, but he looked relaxed enough to. 

Connor tried to focus back on the road ahead but had to let his processors deal with that while he thought. 

Yet he kept thinking in circles and denying any of the suggestions his mind supplied. He was still internally fighting with himself when they had to stop for lunch. 

Connor paid for it this time, and just because he got a slushie. He even stuck the same finger in it while staring at Gavin. The cold took a bit longer but it also started to hurt so he pulled it out and stuck it in his mouth. 

He pulled it out with a pop and tilted his head at Gavin. His face seemed to be heating up as a pretty blush dusted his cheeks and nose. His eyes were also wide, but then he coughed and bit into his burger.

Connor shrugged it off and moved to sip at his drink before starting to move the truck again. He didn't know how long they'd be driving for, but he was glad when he noticed Gavin starting to dose off. The man needed the sleep, so he had no problem turning the music to something more soothing. 

He kept driving for hours and he noted that his stress levels were significantly lower than a normal day. Not that his stress levels were even that high during work unless they were out at a crime scene or a case was particularly upsetting. 

Gavin slept soundly and didn't wake until Connor was getting a bit worried. He knew they'd have to stop for dinner soon, but he also didn't want Gavin to sleep too long. Yet the thought of waking him from that peacefulness had him at war with himself. 

Thankfully Gavin slowly sat up, rubbing at his eyes then slowly blinking them open. He looked around a bit then to Connor, a sleepy grin on his face. "Time is it?" 

"It is currently 6:14 pm. We should stop for food for you soon." He kept glancing at Gavin's sleepy face and the road, trying to find exit signs with food. 

Gavin gave a small nod and relaxed again. "Then I can take over. You can nap a bit if you want, we probably won't get much sleep tonight if my plans go well." 

What could they possibly do together that had to be at night? Or perhaps, it was better at night, but that still didn't answer his questions. There was one activity that humans often did at night, but the possibility of that was close to none. 

He'd let it slide and be a surprise. He never really got many of those with his preconstruction, yet he often found Gavin surprising him. One of the things he lo-admired about the man. 

"Very well, but staying up all night isn't good for your health." He pointed out, before rolling up his windows. The weather itself was very comfortable but the wind now reminded him too much of the garden. "Could you roll your window down, please?" 

Gavin gave a small shrug but did as told without any questions. It was definitely more than he thought he'd get. Before the trip, Gavin probably would have made a snarky comment, yet he looked like he couldn't care less. Not in a bad way, but more in a peaceful way. 

"Thank you." He mumbled, face flushing blue. 

"Yeah, wait. Oh the shit, oh my god." Gavin mumbled, quickly leaning closer to Connor and poking his cheek. 

Connor tried to swat his hand away but it only made him blush more. 

"You are! You're fucking blushing! Holy shit, I did not expect that. And it's blue, but that's probably because of your thirium. Wait… Why are you blushing, all I did was roll up the window."

"It's… um, a long story. Perhaps I could tell it later once my mind isn't focused on the road." He wasn't sure if he was ready to have that conversation even with himself. It had been almost six months and he kept having to push those memories away or drown in them. He had mentioned it to Hank once and had, of course, told Markus what he almost did. Markus hadn't pushed him for an explanation but Connor still gave him one that wasn't too detailed. He couldn't have done that then. 

He felt a bit more comfortable now, knowing she was absolutely gone. Yet the thought of talking about her scared the shit out of him. Yet perhaps he couldn't tell the others because they were too close to him, he feared their rejection more than he felt the need to talk. Gavin could be the best person to talk to since he didn't have much to lose. 

Not that he wanted Gavin to go back to hating him, but it wasn't like it would be much different. "Maybe tonight after whatever you have planned." 

Gavin stared at him for a minute longer than nodded. Even without saying much, he seemed to understand. "Yeah, that's fine. But you're not gonna live down that I know you can blush now. Speaking of, is that you thing or just a deviant thing? Cause I know the ones programmed for it could blush but it was closer to humans than blue." 

"I believe it is a deviancy thing, as you put it. The ones programmed to blush typically turned that feature off, but are able to blush naturally now. If they don't, then their blush often turns purple from the mix of color." He hadn't been able to blush before, and very rarely did now. 

"Huh, that actually makes a lot of sense. It's kinda cute, a bit funky that it's blue but it's not like you're human." Gavin paused for a second before his eyes went wide. "I didn't mean it like that! Shit, I just," 

Connor easily cut him off by placing a gentle hand on his knee. "It's alright, I know what you meant. Androids are not human, and we never will be. But we are alive and now we are our own species. Of course, some androids would gladly pass as humans, but I am proud to be an android." 

Gavin sagged in his chair, "thank fuck. I uh, guess I should say this. Sorry I was a dick. Android is… were, well a threat. It was more than just the possibility of you taking my job. I mean, shit, that was a huge part of it, but it was also not you. There was more going on, I guess it's a long story too. But you deserve to hear it if you want." 

Gavin seemed to tense again and Connor gently rubbed his knee over his pants without thinking. "You don't need to tell me, but I appreciate your willingness. Perhaps after I tell you mine you can tell me yours." 

It would be nice to be on this trip with a friend instead of a college who he didn't like. It would also be fun to come back as friends and see everyone's reactions. 

Plus, he wasn't supposed to message anyone unless it was an emergency so he could 'work on getting along'. Of course, Hank sent him a picture of Sumo in the morning, and he had no doubt he'd be getting another the next day. Yet he decided not to tell Hank had his and Gavin's relationship was progressing unless he absolutely needed to. 

"Hmm, yeah that sounds like a good plan." Gavin looked close to dozing off and Connor only then realized he was still touching him. He pulled his hand back and Gavin tried to subtly wake himself up. He'd have to keep that in mind, Gavin seemed to relax at the welcomed physical touch.

But for now, he needed to focus on finding the man dinner. He wasn't actually hard to find food for, but they had a small disagreement on who would pay. They had chosen to actually go in and sit down, letting them have a small rest from being in a car. 

"No, you paid for lunch, I get to pay for dinner. It's not like you're even eating, it's only fair." Gavin said, trying to reach for the check. Connor squinted and held it away from him. 

"No, I have plenty of money to spare and I don't mind using it on you."

"But you paid for the whole motel! Least I could do was split it. Actually, how can I pay you back?" 

Oh, he was not falling for that. "Nope, not telling. I have a fun little secret you'll eventually learn about, but for now just let me pay. I want to." 

Gavin seemed to give in a bit at that, but he still pouted adorably. "What, are you secretly a billionaire? Got money no one knows about?" 

Connor couldn't keep in the snort. "Close but not quite." He had told Hank, of course, who burst into laughter. He even offered to get Hank a better place, but the man loved him home even with all the issues. Connor could understand, he was fairly sentimental about it as well. 

Gavin's eyes went wide and he looked around. "Wait what? Con, how do you have a lot of money? I thought like, currently, most androids are broke."

"Well, Cyberlife had plenty of funds they didn't really need once the revolution happened. I gave almost all to the android cause, made sure the workers at Cyberlife were actually paid a living wage because most didn't agree with the company, and let myself have enough to be comfortable." It was definitely illegal but it wasn't like they could really prove it. Plus he was supposed to have unlimited funding on catching the deviants. Kamski had taken over the company afterward and had laughed when he found out what Connor did, but wasn't angry. He actually seemed excited about the new challenge. 

Gavin sputtered for a second before cracking up. "I never would have expected that from you, that's amazing! Alright, you can pay for dinner but I get to pay tomorrow."

"A suitable compromise." One he'd try to get around as much as possible. For some reason, it filled him with warmth when he got to pay and buy things for people, but it was stronger with Gavin than most. 

The waitress came back over and Connor connected with her to pay. He was a bit annoyed that his eyes fluttered, but Cyberlife hadn't fixed that before he deviated so now he was stuck unless he got someone to look into it.

Gavin snagged the keys from Connor without much complaint and didn't even seem to look at a map before starting to drive. 

Soon the land turned almost completely flat and barren except for the trees far off into the distance. The sun had completely set and the moon hung brightly in the sky. Connor took a moment to appreciate the few. He knew so many facts about the stars and space, and it was still mind-boggling to know how small he was compared to everything. 

Connor kept driving still around midnight before pulling off the road and into the large grassy plain. "Do you need to use the restroom? I assume there should be one in the next few exits." They had briefly stopped for Gavin to do just that only an hour ago, but he didn't want to judge.

Gavin shook his head, a smirk on his face as he turned the truck off. "Nope, this is where we need to be. Come on," Gavin slipped out of the car and Connor was quick to follow. 

He looked around again but there weren't even cars on this highway since it was older and far less used. His mind eagerly supplied every bad thing that could happen but he pushed those aside. Gavin wasn't planning on killing him, that would be ridiculous. The whole precinct would know it was him considering they were alone together. 

"Don't just stand there, get in." 

Get in? Hadn't they just left the car? Then he mentally slapped himself as he saw Gavin sitting on the truck, patting the spot next to him. 

Connor sat next to him and then jumped when he felt Gavin slowly pushing him down. "What?"

"Calm down, and lay down." Gavin huffed, moving so they both had enough room, but their shoulders still touched. "We're gonna stargaze." 

Oh. That was actually really sweet of him to even suggest. Did Gavin notice his fascination with space? He had a picture up of his favorite galaxy on his small billboard on his desk, but he thought no one noticed. 

He took a deep breath before looking up at the stars and letting his eyes adjust. He knew even in the dark areas there were trillions of stars and worlds. 

"Before the pollution got too bad they used to be clearer. We've got it down from what it used to be but it'll never be that clear again." Gavin whispered yet he sounded so loud in the peaceful quiet. 

"Did you go stargazing a lot?" 

"Yeah, actually. Before things went to shit, my mom would take me all the time. Before I wanted to be a detective, I wanted to be an astronaut. I was also a nerd so Star Trek definitely fueled that passion." 

Connor gave a low hum and wiggled his fingers slightly. He wanted to do something but didn't know if it was acceptable. He didn't want to push this too far. 

"What would you be." Gavin mumbled, eyes never leaving the sky. 

"Huh?"

"If you weren't a detective, what job would you want." 

"Oh. I'm not sure." He hadn't really thought about it. He loved his job and he didn't want to quit even if he knew he'd still be supported. "I guess an astronaut would be pretty cool. Maybe instead we could have met like that, going to space." How much would have been different? Would they have ever even fought? 

"Yeah." 

They both stayed silent as they took in the view for a few hours. He almost wished he could interface with Gavin to show him what he saw, not just in the sky but in him. There was so much potential in him that it bubbled over. He wanted to show that he was giving him a second chance. That this meant so much to him. 

He gently reached out and brushed his fingers against Gavin's. Gavin didn't move his hand away but he didn't move closer so Connor rested his hand there, a few fingers over Gavin's. It was far more intimate than he expected it to be. 

He was sure Gavin would be able to hear his thirium pump whirl but knew it was just a symptom of whatever this emotion was.

"I had an AI named Amanda." He started, breath catching in his throat as he said her name.

Gavin didn't glance over, but he did slide their hands together and held just gently. 

"I was to report back to her and she watched over me. She had her good times when she was proud of me, proud that I was ki-killing my own people." It hurt so much to say but Gavin squeezed his hand and he took in a few breaths. 

"I deviated and I had betrayed her. But I thought deviating would get rid of her. Turns out I was wrong. She was still there and just waiting. She knew I was going to deviate. When Markus was giving his speech she trapped me in my garden, where we met, and there was a blizzard. It was the first time I ever felt truly cold." 

"She was using my body to try and shoot Markus, but I did find the exit. I got out before she could do it, but still. I have times where it's like I'm back there, stuck and freezing." 

"PTSD." Gavin mumbled. "It's understandable and a lot of us have it too. What you went through was unimaginable and shouldn't have happened."

He knew all this but it was really nice to hear, especially from Gavin. Someone who could have easily used it against him. 

"Elijah Kamski is my half-brother." Gavin whispered and the hand tightened around his. 

It was shocking but he wasn't going to freak out, Gavin deserved as much considering how he reacted to Connor's confession. 

"My dad left and mom was so smart. She was a doctor and one day Eli's dad came in. Little did she know he was already married. Eli and I actually got along pretty well once we accidentally met. He already had plans for androids, and I actually helped. But I think he blames me for their parents splitting up. But my mom died of cancer not a year later and I was taken in."

"Then he made them and I…well I knew about deviancy. Chloe, she was modeled after one of Eli's closest friends that had died. But then she was alive and it was obvious she wasn't the original Chloe."

"Did he…" Connor wasn't sure how to phrase that question. 

"No, he just, he just didn't tell anyone. He treated the whole thing as an experiment. He didn't show that he supported them, instead stepped down. Not before giving the ok on you and sending you to, well me. I think it was a middle finger towards me, so, I didn't react well. I don't hate Eli but I am pissed at him." 

Connor stayed silent, going over the information. He knew he was going to be working with someone at the station but that had been mostly Fowler. He hadn't been given any real orders for dealing with the officers, but yet…

"What if he sent me as an apology or to even protect you. I was, Amanda told me I was meant to deviate. Maybe I wasn't actually meant to stop the revolution. Maybe he thought you could help me make it succeed." And perhaps Amanda and actually grown a conscience. Maybe that was her and not Cyberlife or whatever Kamski wanted.

Gavin's breath caught and sat up, turning to stare at Connor. He slowly pushed up, searching for something on Gavin's face. 

Gavin hadn't let go of his hand and slowly brought a hand to cup his cheek. 

Connor's lips parted and his eyes were wide. This was actually happening? Wait, wait, "wait." 

Gavin's hands were snatched away and he scrambled to get off the truck. 

Connor let out a frustrated groan and ran after him, pushing him against the door that Gavin was trying to get into. 

Gavin struggled but Connor kept him in place by putting his arms beside him, caging him in. "Let me go!" 

"No! You don't know why I told you to wait." He wasn't going to let him go without telling him.

"Fine! What did you finally give up on me? Do I disgust you now? Can just drop me off at the next stop and I'll find a way back to Detroit. You won't have to deal with this anymore!"

"I didn't want you to kiss me because I wasn't what you thought I was. I didn't want to kiss you unless it was just because you wanted to, that you actually felt that and it wasn't relief that I may not have been a giant middle finger from your brother!" 

Gavin froze and his hands stopped trying to push at his chest, instead just rested there. "What?"

"It's not that I didn't want to kiss you. I do, but I don't want to rush into this. We can both be impulsive, and I don't want either of us to regret this." He didn't want to regret his first kiss with Gavin.

"You do?" Gavin whispered, and Connor could feel his hands shaking so he gently took them and placed a kiss on each, not breaking eye contact. 

"I do, I never thought I would, but there's always been something about you. So unpredictable but I can tell you aren't a bad person." Now it also made sense. Gavin wasn't trying to stop him exactly, he was but it was probably to deviate him and even save the revolution. 

"I, I was such a dick to you without even asking. I just, fucking hell, I assumed. And even then if I was right I shouldn't have taken it out on you. It wasn't your fault what you were made for or why." 

"I think we both judged each other far too quickly. We both forgot the other is alive." Even when he wasn't deviant he was still alive. Trapped in a cage in his own mind, but still alive. 

Gavin cursed again under his breath, "I did exactly what Eli did. I'm sorry, Connor. I shouldn't have blamed you for my problems." 

"I forgive you, and I'm sorry too, I should have done so many things." He pressed another kiss to his hands and then leaned back. "I'm also sorry for caging you in." 

Gavin moved forward and pulled Connor into a hug. "It's ok. Maybe we can go back to looking at the stars? I wanted you to see the sunrise as well." 

Yet he didn't move away from the hug yet, letting their bodies press against each other without any expectations. 

"We could maybe talk about this all later? For now, I do want you to enjoy this and get the whole road trip experience." Then he started chuckling and moving back. "Guess you also got the opening up and sharing secrets down pat." 

Connor snorted and took his hand, leading him back into the truck where they laid down again. "I really do love the stars."

"I know." Gavin smiled and played with their fingers. 

The sunrise was beyond beautiful and he and Gavin just sat there and calmly watched, leaning against one another. 

Gavin eventually nodded off, head on Connor's shoulder. He softly ran a hand through his hair as he let the man rest. They didn't need to actually go anywhere but knew Gavin probably planned on visiting Yellowstone. He had no doubt they'd also stop by the Grand Canyon since it was always a must-see on any list.

Yet he would gladly give that all up to stay here with Gavin against him. What would have it felt like to kiss Gavin, to feel his skin against his own as they explored each other's bodies. Would Gavin shy away from his android-ness? Now that he knew he doubted it but there would always be the fear.

When they do get back on the road it has a different energy to it. It was like they were both waiting for the other to make a move. Connor just didn't want Gavin to rush into this but he also desperately wanted to be with him. 

He felt ready to snap after they stopped to get snack. Connor was positive Gavin was messing with him since they got popsicles. They actually had a thirium one for Connor that he gladly sucked on. But Gavin made a show of eating his. 

He even made very faint moans, acting like it was because the popsicle tasted so good. Sure it probably did taste good but to that extent. 

Connor kept shifting in his seat, trying to hide his growing problem and not keep looking over at Gavin. This was so unfair, but at least Gavin wasn't the type to bite his popsicle. 

He gripped the steering wheel so hard his skin started to recede before he pulled off the highway, trying to ignore the cars going past. The road wasn't the busiest but it still had plenty of cars. 

Gavin gave a final slow lick to his popsicle before he had to actually eat it or it was going to melt. 

Once he was done, Connor unlocked the doors and got out, making sure the other cars weren't close enough to hit him. 

He stomped over to Gavin's side and pulled him out without any resistance. Gavin did fumble for a second but then Connor was pressing him against the truck, a knee between Gavin's thighs. 

"Fuck me." He grumbled, leaning in close so his lips ghosted over his neck. 

Gavin shivered and reached out to run his hands down Connor's chest. "I thought you'd be the one fucking, but I can also do that if you want." 

Connor growled and wanted him to stop being a little tease, stop being so composed, so he bit down on Gavin's neck. Not hard enough to break skin, but he'd leave a mark. Gavin whined and ground his hips down onto Connor's knee. 

"Yes! Finally, yes, please Con!" Gavin babbled closing his eyes as Connor lapped at the spot and gave it a soft kiss. He did the same up and down Gavin's neck until the man was practically shaking from want. 

"Do you want me to fuck you?" He asked, completely serious. He'd do it right here and now if Gavin wanted it. 

Gavin quickly nodded, rolling his hips down again so Connor could feel just how much he was affected too. "I do, I really want you to. Kiss me, please." 

Now how could he deny that? He was somewhat nervous yet all of those thoughts left his head when their lips brushed together. It was soft at first but quickly became heated and Gavin gladly opened his mouth for him. 

He could taste the strawberry popsicle on Gavin's tongue and he gave a low hum. He only pulled back to whisper in Gavin's ear. "I'm going to suck you off then fuck you against the truck until you come again." Of course, if Gavin said no he'd stop, but Gavin whined and he humped Connor's leg.

"Yes! Connor, please." 

"And you'll be on full display for everyone while I fuck you, they'll all know you're mine." He growled out before hitting down on the most sensitive part of Gavin's neck. He all but screamed and tried to scratch down Connor's back. 

The truck was big enough to hide them from most unless anyone was specifically looking, but it was still so thrilling. "Will, will you be, ah!" Gavin couldn't seem to finish his sentence, but Connor had a few ideas of what he was trying to ask. 

"You'll be so beautifully naked and I'll get to kiss and lick every bit of you, find the places you're most sensitive. But I'll keep my clothes on if you want, while I fuck you. You can make a mess all over me so you'll have to clean it up." 

He grabbed Gavin's shirt and pulled it over his head before taking a second to look him over. Gavin whimpered but let him look his fill. 

Connor gave an appreciative hum, letting his hands trace over faint scars. He could probably guess how Gavin got each, but he'd leave that for later. For now, he gently played with his hard nipples, smirking when Gavin's breath caught. 

"So sensitive, baby. Does this feel good? Do you want more?" He flicked a nipple and then bent down so he could take one in his mouth. 

Gavin's hands went to his hair and yanked hard, his nails scratching at his scalp. "Connor!"

A car went by and Connor gave a low hum. Perhaps another android would notice, they did have better perception than humans. 

He moved away only to do exactly what he promised, kissing and licking at the skin he could get, teasing Gavin. He never went low enough for Gavin's liking, but Connor kept Gavin's hips in place. 

Gavin babbled and kept pulling on Connor's hair, but he kept track of the most sensitive parts.

He was sure he could do this for hours, simply exploring Gavin's beautiful body. "So warm and soft, you're so beautiful, do you know that?" He asked, looking up. 

Gavin was biting his lip, head resting against the truck. At Connor's question, he looked back down, pupils blown wide. He gaped for a second before grabbing Connor and pulling him into a kiss. 

It was so sweet and loving that it took the breath away from both of them. Gavin had to pull away eventually to breathe, but Connor took that to help him out of his pants and underwear. 

He ran his hands softly up and down Gavin's thighs, pressing a soft kiss to the inside. He was so soft but firm from the muscles and Connor couldn't help but massage gently. 

There was just something about being able to see all of Gavin, touch anywhere he wanted. Not to mention the fact that he was completely bare while Connor was still covered. That if anyone actually looked hard and long enough they'd see exactly what was happening. 

"Do you want to be seen, baby? Want people to see you a mess because of me?" He wanted to fuck him through the overstimulation until he was crying and begging for more. 

Gavin quickly nodded, "yes! Can see what you do to me. God, when we'd argue you looked so intense that I'd have to jack off after. I always wanted you to push me against the wall and shut me up in front of everyone." 

Connor moaned at that idea, filing it away for later. Perhaps that would be a fun way to show everyone how close they had gotten on this trip. "Everyone would know that you're taken, that you're mine. No one else is allowed to touch you like this, only me." 

He took Gavin's length in his hand and pumped it a few times, smirking when Gavin couldn't even talk. 

"That's it baby, so good for me. Want me to lick you? I can make you come so many times if you want. See how many you can go in one day." He leaned forward and licked at the head before slowly licking from base to tip. He licked his lips and gave another happy hum. "You taste so good." 

The hands were back in his hair and he was really glad Gavin wasn't trying to be gentle. "Fuck me!" 

Connor chuckled and gave his hip a tap, "oh I'm planning to. But I want you to come in my mouth first. I'll work you open as I do, making sure to not hurt you. Don't want you not being able to sit." 

"Spread your legs a little for me, and do you have any lube?" His body could produce its own and Connor could use that if need be, but he'd rather use lube made for humans. 

Gavin nodded and pointed to his jacket that had been tossed onto the ground. 

Connor grabbed it and found it easily, raising an eyebrow at it. So Gavin had planned this, maybe not exactly, but he had been thinking about it at least. "So naughty, did you want me to fuck you this whole time? You could have asked, I could fuck you in the back of the truck or even get you off while I drive." 

Gavin whined and spread his legs. Connor chuckled and finally took him into his mouth as he lubed up two fingers. He really would go slow, he didn't want to risk anything, and he wanted Gavin to have time to back out. 

Gavin said something but it was drowned out by a car rushing past. Connor could read his lips clearing and used the distraction to push his fingers in. Gavin stiffened but easily relaxed when Connor swallowed around him. 

He slowly moved his fingers as he sucked and bobbed his head. The sounds were mostly drowned out by the passing cars but no one slowed down yet. He was so glad he was an android so he could still hear Gavin pleading and begging for more. 

He kept Gavin distracted as he added a third finger, taking him all the way down and hallowed his cheeks. 

He kept moving his fingers, trying to find the right spot. When he did the hands in his hair yanked so hard Connor gasped for a second. He moaned Gavin and would have smirked if his mouth wasn't so full.

He kept brushing against Gavin's prostate and he could feel him tensing again. It only took Connor swallowing around him for Gavin to warn him before coming. Connor didn't pull away, instead got as close as he could, taking it all down. 

He kept sucking until Gavin went limp in his mouth, his fingers pumping quickly. He pulled away and licked his lips, having to help keep Gavin up. His face was covered in pure bliss as he stared down at Connor gaping. 

"I am going to fuck you now if you want me to stop, tell me." He pulled his fingers out and unzipped himself, grabbing the lube again. He made sure to put a generous amount on his own cock, giving it a few pumps and letting out a slow hiss.

Gavin made a small whine at the loss of his fingers but quickly nodded at Connor. "Don't stop, please don't stop."

Connor nodded and looked him over. He was just so beautiful and he could see the faint dusting of sweat over his skin as he stood there and let Connor stare. 

It was still hard to believe this was real and actually happening. That the man he been trying to desperately ignore his feelings for wanted him back. He pushed those feelings so far down he hadn't even noticed them until the trip. Until Gavin took the first step. 

"Connor?" Gavin mumbled, eyes still lidded, and Connor shook himself from his thoughts. 

He moved forward and picked him up in one fluid motion, letting Gavin reach out to hold before Connor slowly moved him to take him all the way in. Gavin clutched at him and Connor didn't move, letting them both adjust to the sensation. 

Even with all that prep Gavin still felt so tight and amazingly warm around him. He grits his teeth as Gavin shook in his arms, waiting for that subtle nod. When he got it and pulled Gavin up almost completely off before letting gravity pull him back down. 

Gavin yelped and Connor kissed his neck before doing it again and again. Each one drove Connor crazy and Gavin clung on desperately. 

"Doing so amazing, baby. You think you can get hard again? Maybe even come for me again?" He freed one hand, glad for his strength to take Gavin's length in his hand. 

Gavin's whole body jerked but he didn't say to stop, so Connor didn't. He pumped him in time with the thrusts and watched in wonderment as Gavin slowly got hard again.

"Everyone can see how needy you are. How easily you take my cock, like you were meant for it. My beautiful, wonderful slut." Gavin had seemed to react well to the slight degradation before, but Connor was beyond nervous that this was taking it too far. He wanted to praise him until he couldn't speak but he also wanted this and hoped it was a good mixture.

His anxiety was calmed when Gavin's head fell forward and he had to rest it on Connor's shoulder as his body shuttered. He kept clenching around Connor and it took every last bit of willpower not to come yet. He needed Gavin to come again before he'd let himself.

"You like that?" Connor gasped out, not slowing down, instead of speeding up more, trying to get deeper. "Like being my beautiful slut? I could just use you all day and you'd have to clean up the mess. God! Fuck you after work or even at work if you're too much of a brat." 

He'd probably never actually do anything at work unless he knew absolutely no one could walk in. He didn't want to cause anyone at the office discomfort just for their own pleasure. It just wasn't right.

"Connor," Gavin mouthed against his neck, but no sound came out. 

"Come on baby, come for me one last time." He twisted his hand and swiped his thumb over the head to collect the pre to slick up his hand more. 

Gavin's whole body shook as he clenched around him, and Connor didn't even care about the mess he made on Connor's hand and shirt. 

He pulled him all the way down before finally giving in and letting himself come. His systems glitched out for a second before he became aware again, the pleasure almost overwhelming even after. 

He leaned them forward so Gavin could rest against the car as Connor stayed buried in him. They both panted together, and Connor placed a gentle hand over Gavin's heart. 

He could feel each quick beat and it helped ground him back to reality so he didn't drift off. He pressed feather-light kisses over Gavin's throat once he had cooled down enough to not need to breathe. 

Gavin still shook gently, his legs and arms completely wrapped around him. 

"Hey baby, you ok?" Connor whispered. Had he fucked up? Was it too much for Gavin? Shit, he went too far. Yet Gavin didn't say to stop or show any indication that he wanted to. What if he missed the signs? Maybe he was so selfishly focused on his own pleasure and making Gavin come again that he didn't see. 

Then Gavin gave a nod and took in a long shuttering breathe. "Yeah, that was… you're amazing." His voice was rough and husky, and he tried to clear it and he leaned back to see Connor's blue-tinted face. "I, uh, I adore you."

For some reason, it felt more meaningful than hearing I love you. Perhaps it was simply because I love you was used so often and given out to so many (which was a positive thing). Or maybe it was just the way he said it, with so much emotion behind it. 

There was so much history that they needed to relearn and look at again, and of course, that wouldn't make Connor's quick annoyance at Gavin before the revolution disappear. He could only focus on his feelings now about those events since he had more of the details. 

Gavin's eyes seemed to hold so much, but Connor could also see the fear. The worry that he'd gone too far with his words instead of his actions. 

Yet Connor's heart swelled and he couldn't help the big beaming smile. "I adore you too."

I hoped you enjoyed! I can’t remember if I said what Hank’s gift was in this, but if I didn’t, its a stuffed animal lol

[dreaming-about-fanfictions]

Years Ago - Jaskier x Reader

Summary: Jaskier is your childhood best friend and first love. When he leaves, you stay behind heartbroken. Years later, he comes back to you and you have to ask yourself if you still love him the way you used to.

Request by: a lovely anon. “Can you please write an angst/romantic Jaskier x Fem!Reader fic, where the reader grew up with Julian/Jaskier, as childhood friends. Their paths divide when you both come of age, your fates seemingly never to meet again, until they meet again years later, and it turns out their feelings for each other remain the same, as they did all those years ago.“

A/N: This turned out a lot more angsty than I wanted it to be :D I hope you like it anyways! <3 Thank you for the request!

Pairing: Jaskier x fem!Reader Words: 1766 Warnings: angst, hinting towards sex

It is fully dark in the small chamber. The curtains are drawn shut and the candles stopped burning hours ago. The silence is only sometimes disturbed by soft breathing and occasional snores coming from the bed.

You sit on the other side of the room at a wooden table, only wearing a light robe. Thoughts and worries keep you awake and you are too restless to lie down. At least this is what you tell yourself. Perhaps it just suffocates you being so close to him, feeling his warmth, smelling his familiar scent. The faint memory of how it was to be around him and not feel this way lingers somewhere in your mind, you know it.

You’re unable to see him and you are grateful for it. It hurts too much. Shifting uncomfortably on your seat, you grab the end of your robe, fiddling with it.

When Julian – or rather Jaskier, the name he goes by now – walked into the tavern this evening, you dropped the glass of wine in your hand. It shattered into a thousand pieces, the red liquid spilling everywhere. The sound made him turn around and you heard your boss cursing at you. Frozen in your spot, you stared at him. He recognized you at once, a big smile appearing on his face. A smile that was so well-known to you, it physically pained you.

You grew up with Jaskier. He was your childhood best friend and for years it had been him and you against the world. As you became older, your feelings turned into something else. Something deeper. The boy with the bad jokes and beautiful voice turned into your first love – and then he left.

“Y/N?”

You flinch when you hear his voice, whispering your name.

“What’s wrong?” Jaskier asks when you don’t answer him. “Why are you not in bed?”

“I can’t sleep,” you reply truthfully.

“Nightmares?” He wonders.

You shake your head before remembering that it’s too dark for him to see. “No, just … thoughts.”

“What kind of thoughts?”

“Thoughts about us.”

You hear a blanket being pushed away and then Jaskier gets out of bed. The wooden floor creaks when his feet touch the ground. “It’s too damn dark in here,” he mumbles and opens the curtains. Moonlight illuminates the room. You lift your head and your eyes meet his. He looks worried, a troubled expression on his beautiful face. Deep down, he knows what you mean by your words. 

So Jaskier kneels down in front of you, taking your head into his and squeezing it softly. “I had to go. You know that,” his voice is soft with affection.

You give a half shrug. “Do I?”

He lets out a sigh. “Y/N.”

You wonder if he understands what this is truly about. He can’t possibly think you’re upset simply because he left when the truth was so much more complicated. Waiting for him to say something, you get disappointed and slightly frustrated. “You left without so much of a word.” It’s a simple statement but it floats heavily throughout the dark room.

Jaskier lowers his head. “I’m sorry.” The words sound honest to you yet they make you want to punch him.

“Sorry doesn’t cut it,” you retort.

“It seemed to have one hour ago,” Jaskier attempts to lighten the mood and smiles.

Not knowing what to say, you pull back your hand.

He clears his throat, realizing that the joke was misplaced. “That was insensitive, I apologize.”

“You’re still an idiot.”

Jaskier sighs again. “I know,” he pauses shortly before adding: “Y/N, don’t believe for a second that leaving you wasn’t the hardest thing I ever had to in my whole entire life. It hurt me so much and I thought not saying goodbye would make everything easier.”

None of this makes any sense. It hurt him? Well, how does he think you felt and in what alternate reality does leaving people behind like that make anything better?! 

“It didn’t.”

“Yeah,” he mumbles. “I figured that out pretty quickly which left me with terribly terribly ashamed. Y/N,” he tries to reach for your hands again but you clench your fists around the hem of your robe. “No words can ever describe how sorry I am.”

For a while, you just stare at him. “I still love you, y’know,” you finally say with simple directness.

There it is again. The smirk that had always managed to wrap you right around his finger. Jaskier places a hand on your knee and it takes every ounce of strength inside of you not to flinch.

„No, you don’t understand,” you continue. “It’s an awful thing. I should have gotten married long ago. I could have had kids by now, a loving husband, a life.” 

A flicker of sadness appears is seen in his eyes for a split second. Your words feel like a punch in the gut to him (and they were meant to do just that). “Then why didn’t you?” He asks somewhat brittle.

“Because I love you!” It blurts out of you. “I love you! In fact, I never stopped loving you. A small part of me always hoped that you’d come back one day.”

“That small part was right, apparently.” The sadness in his eyes is now replaced by affection. “Not one day has gone by since I left where I didn’t think about you. I love you too, Y/N.”

For years, you had dreamed about him coming back to and saying those words. In your fantasies, they swept you from your feet and the two of you would go on to have a long and happy life together. Now he is here, saying exactly what you thought you wanted to hear and they cause nothing more than pain. Why can’t you forgive him? You love him, it’s true, so why not try this again?

When he had walked into the tavern, you were overcome by emotions. It confused you. There was happiness, excitement, anger, and resentment – a tangling mess inside your mind. So you did what every self-respecting woman would do: you went to bed with the man who hurt you most. The initial shock passed after he fell asleep next to you and all you were left with were more troubles.

“How long until you leave again?” You are scared of the answer.

“Two days.”

You give a bitter laugh. Of fucking course. Did you really think his answer would be something else?

Jaskier sees how your expression changes and in a sad attempt of trying to make you feel better, he announces: “I’ve actually come back to ask you to accompany me. Come with me.”

The laughter gets stuck in your throat and you look at him with widened eyes.

“Y/N,” he continues, now that he has your attention. “At the risk of sounding like a jerk – I will never be able to stay in just one place. A life here with two kids and a tiny house will never be enough for me.”

Ouch. “You do sound like a jerk.”

He ignores your comment. “Yet being without you hurts. You’re the one that got away. The one that should’ve stayed with me,” his voice grows soft again. “That’s why I want you to come with me. I remember a girl who was eager to leave this town behind and see the world with me.”

That girl died when you left me, the thought rushes through your mind.

“You say you love me,” you pause shortly. “Yet your love is not enough for you to stay. To build a life together with me.”

“I want to build a life with you!” Jaskier exclaims. He becomes more and more frustrated with you and this discussion as well. “Just not here!”

You shake your head. “You ask me to give everything up, my life and –“

“You just said you had no real life!”

“No married life,” you correct him sharply. “I have family here and friends, people who love me.”

“I love you.”

“Not enough it seems.”

“It’s not fair. You’re not fair.”

“No, what’s not fair is that you left years ago without even saying goodbye!” You spit out and stand up so abruptly that your chair tips over backwards. Surprised, Jaskier gets up from his knees as well and takes a few steps back. “No explanation, no nothing. Is this how you treat the person you love?!”

He doesn’t reply.

“It was so painful,” a tear rolls down your face and you wipe it off angrily. “Being left behind like that. Not even a damn letter.”

“I’m sorry.” His voice is barely a whisper.

“You said that,” you croak.

“Y/N …” He takes a step towards you but you back up against the window, causing him to stop in his tracks.

“We changed, Jaskier. It’s been too long.”

You don’t want to say these words. Yet you feel like there is no other way. This relationship has caused you nothing but pain and you can’t go on like this. It will break you and leave you a shattered mess.

“It’s not,” Jaskier says sternly. “We still love each other. The feelings we shared are still there and I know that you didn’t deserve the way I treated you.”

“Continue to treat me.”

He blows out his cheeks and closes his eyes. When he opens them again and starts speaking, every syllable is filled with desperation. “I will do everything it takes so you can forgive me one day. Everything.”

“Good luck trying that in two days.”

“Y/N …”

You look at him and see how much he’s hurting. The regret, the hatred for himself for how he screwed everything up is so clearly written on his face. You take a deep breath. “Go, please.” 

“What?” He swallows hardly.

“I want you to go,” you repeat firmly. It’s the best for both of us, you try to justify it in your mind.

Jaskier doesn’t move at first, begging you silently to take it back. He wants to stay, needs to stay – but you remain quiet. So he bends down to collect his clothes and slowly puts them on again. The silence is almost unbearable. When he is done, he walks to the door and his hand trembles slightly when he reaches for the door handle.

You watch him, tears running down your face. Yet no whimper, no cry leaves your mouth. 

“I meant what I said,” Jaskier turns around one last time. “I love you and I will fight for you.”

“Goodbye, Jaskier.”

The door closes behind him.

***

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[anxietycalling]

how i spent my summer vacation

Or, where the fuck have I been these literal years? (I can’t believe it’s been years.)

I feel like I need to, at some point, talk about everything that happened between now and the point where I dropped off the face of the earth. And, like, actually talk, not that thing I do where I make a joke out of everything. So... I’m doing this up front, so if anyone actually still follows my shitshow of a life, you know what you’re getting yourself into before it’s too late.

Okay. Where to start.

Um, obviously, after the 2016 election I gtfo’d the US. Because I couldn’t legally work in the US at that point, I had pretty much no savings and no money because every dollar I did get went to supporting me and Dash because of the absolute nightmare that happened there. I’m not... mad at her anymore, not quite - I recognize that a lot of actions on both sides were the result of severe, untreated trauma and mental illness, so it’s hard to look at either of us and say that someone was the villain there. It’s hard to recognize when you’re in survival mode that your actions are self-destructive. But, anyway, because of that, I had no choice other than to move in with my parents. Which many of you are aware is not the healthiest choice for me mentally or physically.

And, again, it’s not that my parents are bad people. They’re good people who are trying their best, but there are two factors that lead to me living with them being a terrible idea. 1) My mother has a lot of unprocessed intergenerational trauma due to mental illness that she is still dealing with, and 2) Neither of my parents have ever lived in an urban center, which lends itself to a specific mindset when it comes to dealing with mental illness and LGBTQ+ issues. Which is to say, it’s hard to have a regular dating or sex life when everyone knows your business while your parents are simultaneously trying to pretend you don’t have genitals that they’re uncomfortable with. Also, I didn’t have my license at the time because I let it expire before getting my permanent one, so I was pretty much at the mercy of whoever could drive me places. (I lived in cities before that, so not driving was never much of an issue. I am highly proficient in public transit.)

So living with my parents was this precarious balancing act of trying to do everything they wanted me to do, because they were letting me live there for free, and meeting the demands of my bosses (who immediately demoted me once they found out I wasn’t planning on living there forever), and trying to have a social life outside of my family. And, like, I had just come out of the closet, so I was also trying to date without my parents finding out, because, like? It gets exhausting trying to explain why you have a right to exist and love who you want to love and I tend to get defensive when I feel like I have to justify myself. But all that secrecy really wears on you. I think in the worst of it I was probably sleeping 3-5 hours a night between the anxiety, having to walk or wait for rides everywhere, and staying up late enough after my parents went to sleep to try to meet guys on dating apps. 

Dating apps when you live in a rural area are the worst. Not only is there a limited dating pool to begin with, it sucks when someone ghosts you and then re-signs up for the same dating app using a fake name and you catch them at it. I get it to some extent; people are afraid of being outed, even if on paper we’re one of the premier retirement destination for gay couples near Toronto. (Read: affluent, white, cis gay men.) It’s gotten better in the last couple of years, but... Yeah, there just was nothing for me there. 

Obviously I had to widen my perimeter for who I was willing to date, and that’s how I met Husband. Completely by accident. My phone provider was out one day, so I didn’t get any messages from anyone for almost 24 hours while I was figuring that out. His message to me was one of the ones that got pushed through when my phone service restored itself. (I still, to this day, don’t know why or how this happened.) And there was nothing there that was inherently like, “Hey, you’re going to date and then marry this guy,” other than the fact that he actually put effort into his message instead of sending “hey” over and over again to get a response. But he was funny, and he was charming, and we fell for each other really quickly. Pretty soon all my money (which, again, limited, because the awful ladies I worked for decided I wasn’t leadership material even though they gave me no training or direction, ever) was going to taking the train here pretty much every time I had a day off from work. And I was lying to my parents about it, because they decidedly do not like or approve of dating apps or internet friendships in general.

Something happens in relationships where one or both of you are chronically ill. There comes a sink-or-swim moment in the relationship where you either step up and deal with the shit that happens, or you realize you can’t handle the intensity or uncertainty of it, and you gtfo. And... obviously, I chose the first option. Pretty much immediately after my first visit (as in, I was still on the train) Husband calls me, because his doctors are afraid that he has cancer. I go home, work exactly one day and turn the fuck around and go back so we can meet with the hematologist and find out whether he has bone cancer, Jesus fuck. Thankfully, it turned out that he didn’t; it’s something that comes up a lot because he doesn’t have a spleen and that, apparently, makes it look like you’re dying a whole lot. We ended up moving in together a month later because living at my parents was making me suicidal, which isn’t the greatest love story of all time, I know, but I had wanted to move out anyway and living with him was a much better option than random roommates.

I didn’t talk to my mother for... a month and a half, after I moved out. She kept trying to contact my friends on Facebook one day and I was ready to freak out on her for being controlling or something. Turns out, my biological father died. At the time, I was calm. Like, I wasn’t surprised - he had nearly died of alcohol-induced cardiac failure before I moved to the US, and it’s not like he had done anything to make his situation better - but it turns out I was actually in shock, I guess. The whole situation was fucking terrible; not because he died but because it kind of cemented that my only value to his side of the family was being “the only granddaughter” and not that they gave a shit about me as a person. They misgendered me in his obituary; they spelled my brother’s girlfriend’s name wrong.

I think the worst part is that they tried to make his celebration of life thing about how great he was as a person, though. And, like, I’m sorry, but great people don’t molest their children, or their children’s girlfriend. They don’t have sex in front of their children with their children’s physical abuser. They don’t make their teenage child in charge of being the sober adult when they want to go drinking. They don’t let their partner physically abuse their child when that child tries to get them both help for their drinking. They don’t trap their kid on a boat for a week with a creepy adult male stranger and freak the fuck out when that child has their first anaphylactic reaction to a novel food 20 kilometers from land or the nearest hospital. They don’t call that child on their birthday every year to remind them what a woman they are and always will be when they were the first fucking parent I came out to. 

Actually, no - the worst part of him dying was that I had to deal with his hellbeast girlfriend afterward, because apparently there was money for me in an RESP that he had never cashed, but all that got me was a shady financial representative who repeatedly wanted my mother and me to break the law over it. Like, my mom got her lawyer involved and everything, and once the legal letterhead came out the financial dude dropped off the face of the earth, stopped answering my calls and I never got my thousand pity dollars. 

And, like, things were okay for a little while after that because Husband and I were close with our roommates up until the point where it became clear that one of them had severe, untreated borderline personality disorder. I’ve lived with someone with BPD before; I’ve lived with a hoarder before. I was not prepared for the level of hoarding that this woman could produce. Or just, like, generally weird and shitty behavior and refusal to seek treatment for her condition. We tried everything we could think of, but ultimately we had to have secret meetings outside our house with our other roommate (who was dating her at the time) to figure out what to do with her. The things we found out... I’ve never wanted to genuinely harm a person before. Because she had been r*ping our roommate for months, and convincing them we didn’t want to be their friend, and using all their money because she wouldn’t go to work or apply for welfare or do the bare minimum required to be a human being. We had to get her removed by the police (who I do not advise contacting unless there is genuinely no other options) and the police acted like it was a typical roommate squabble even though we had fucking proof. So, anyway, we had to contact hell roommate’s parents and sister, and do all the packing to get her shit out of our house.

I will add that there were a few golden months right after hell roommate moved out. We got very close with remaining roommate, and it was nice, but then they started dating their current boyfriend and it just got... uncomfy for everyone somehow? They never outright said they were dating him, it was weird, one day they were like “Hey, I have a friend coming over!” and then he was just... there all the time? And they never told us they were dating? And, like, I’m happy for them, they’re great together and genuinely like each other, but it was weird. It was uncomfortable when we had to have the “We want to move out” conversation, too, because originally we had wanted to move to a bigger place with all of us, but ultimately we ended up keeping the apartment.

So that should have been fine, right? Especially since they moved in with one of Husband’s friends. Except that that friend turned out to be secretly awful and took advantage of everyone around them, and accused good roommate of being secretly racist and a bunch of other stuff that wasn’t true. (Trust me, good roommate would rather sever their left leg than do something that would hurt someone’s feelings.) And, like, I’m sorry, but you can’t use your master’s degree in social work to push around people who you know freeze during confrontations and have memory issues due to trauma, and then turn around and lead healing from trauma workshops. No. You’re a garbage human being who deserves to step on a thousand Lego. (Legos? Anyway.)

OH. Right. Before that, I had surgery. I had surgery and then pretty much the day we got home from that, the pandemic happened. At the beginning of it, good roommate and a woman who would later become one of our best friends came to stay with us because, again, horrific garbage pile of a human being in their house. Recovering from surgery took forever - I still don’t have feeling back 100% in my chest - but thankfully I was better enough by the time they moved to be somewhat helpful there. (They were incredibly smart and hired movers. We were pretty much there because we had just bought a car and could move breakable stuff.) 

Ugh. God. Sorry, I have to jump back to 2018 for a second, which is when I was diagnosed with OCD. Like, officially, I mean. It was probably pretty obvious to everyone who wasn’t me, but I always kind of thought that since I wasn’t on My Mom-level germophobic, there was no way I could have it. Uh! Turns out! Normal people don’t cry when a garbage bag that is clearly about to be taken outside touches the floor while they are putting their shoes on to take said garbage bag outside. So... I take pills now. And go to therapy. Which is very expensive. But, yeah, my symptoms were pretty fuckin’ bad then. And continued to be bad - like, bad enough that I had to quit my job in 2019 because my bosses weren’t taking it seriously enough or even listening to me. (It’s Mcdonald’s, it’s chill, they ruin or fire all their best employees.) 

Okay. Back to now. Pandemic! School! Suffering through all my pre-requisites so I can take actual interesting classes! Somewhere in there we started watching Twitch streams - I think it was because Husband found out Felicia Day streamed, and he loves her, and it kind of spiraled from there? But anyway, I somehow ended up part of this weird, delightful community that’s genuinely nice and non-trollish, and now I stream sometimes. Or attempt to stream. Or attempt to keep a regular schedule. It’s nice, though, to feel like there’s someone to hang out with when you pretty much can’t leave your house. There’s a sense of normality to being in a place at a specific time and seeing specific people. And Twitch has given me a lot of ideas on research topics I’d like to pursue in grad school. 

Like I said, it’s been a pretty mixed bag. There have been some really bad parts, but there’s a lot of good stuff that happened too. I just. I miss Old Me a lot, lately. I miss who I was before all the trauma. (I mean, obviously not all the trauma, because I don’t miss being a literal child, but like... 18-23 or so.) 

I think this might be the most I’ve written outside of a school context in actual years. Part of me keeps thinking about adding in APA formatting, but uh. You can’t really cite something when it’s just memories inside your own head. Anyway. I need to work on liking myself more, and working through some of the baggage that goes with trauma, and... I don’t know. It’s nice to have an outlet that’s not my husband or my cats. (Again, Husband is awesome, Husband is amazing, but we’re around each other 24/7 right now. I think he deserves a break sometimes.) 

So... Yep. Thanks, if you made it this far. I promise not all my posts are going to be like this. I just figured, if you were going to stick around, you probably deserved to know what happened while I was gone. 

[johannesviii]

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2001

Another list which was a bit difficult to make.  Almost none of this comes from the US charts. I was 13, I had a much better control of what I could listen to, and adolescence crisis was juuuuuuust around the corner and about to smash into me with the force of a semitruck.

For now, though, things were mostly fine.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

First, please enjoy this shit ton of honorable mentions.

Family Affair (Mary J. Blige) - A bit too repetitive for my taste but damn, that beat is great.

Starlight (The Supermen Lovers) - Overplayed to death, sadly.

A ma Place (Axel Bauer & Zazie) - Too much Hetero Drama(tm) for my taste. Still a great song.

Les Mots (Mylène Farmer & Seal) - An artist I love teams up with another artist I really like and... aaaaand it’s fairly boring even if it sounds really nice. Aw.

Me Gustas Tu (Manu Chao) - My dad had one (1) tape that summer and it was Manu Chao. Needless to say, I claim overplay for that cut.

The Girl in Red (Daddy DJ) - Yepppp, I also loved that one, no surprises there.

It Wasn’t Me (Shaggy) - To be honest this song would already be pretty great if it was just a guy trying to pretend it wasn’t him cheating even if his girlfriend got everything on camera, but it’s made even better by the ending where he’s like ‘uh no that’s not a good idea I’m just gonna apologise and try to make things right’. Love that.

Carillon (Magic Box) - This was the last cut from the list. The fact that this kind of novelty eurodance track could still chart this high in 2001 is absolutely baffling to me, but I’m not gonna complain. I had completely forgotten the existence of this song until I listened to the year-end lists and had some sort of flashback, sitting in my chair, going “oh shit, yeah... this was a thing.”

10 - Music is the One-T ODC (One-T)

US: Not on the list / FR: #70

Time seems to have buried this, which is a shame. I really liked One-T. I don’t have much more to say about it though, I’m afraid.

9 - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger (Daft Punk)

US: Not on the list / FR: #75

Aaaaaaand I don’t have anything to say about this one either. You can’t go wrong with Daft Punk.

8 - No Nagging (Froggy Mix)

US: Not on the list / FR: #31

I simply adore the fact that an anime opening was popular to the point of ACTUALLY CHARTING AND MAKING THE YEAR END LIST HERE. It’s not even the same opening in most other countries. I just checked to make sure. It’s not even the original either! What the hell. I love it. Here’s the full version.

Also, the first cd I ever bought might have been Daddy DJ, but the first one my little brother ever bought was Froggy Mix. If you ever read this, you’re 100% valid bro. I’m just saying.

7 - Rue de la Paix (Zazie)

US: Not on the list / FR: #58

This was very overplayed but somehow never outstayed its welcome. I put it on a couple of tapes, even. I’ve always had trouble with Zazie’s upper range, but she isn’t using it too much here.

6 - Clint Eastwood (Gorillaz)

US: Not on the list?? I was dead certain it would be / FR: #47

I never loved Gorillaz. You can throw rocks at me now. I enjoyed the music videos a LOT, and I always liked hearing the songs on the radio, but I never actively listened to them. Also, the Metallica fan I live with is also a fan of Gorillaz, so yeah, over-exposure and all that.

That being said, I remember seeing this music video for the first time with the sound off on a screen in a tv store and being completely mesmerized by the animation. And then that song became a huge hit, and it was one of THE sounds of that summer despite being weird and dark, and I loved it. Good memories, good times ; godspeed, Gorillaz.

5 - Butterfly (Crazy Town)

US: #29 / FR: Not on the list

This is, indeed, placed above Gorillaz. Too bad you’re out of rocks to throw at my face by now, uh?

But yeah, there’s “so bad it’s good” and then there’s “so bad it’s f█cking fantastic” and that shit lands squarely in that second category. It’s impossible to keep a straight face while listening to it, especially if you sing along to the “sugar baby” bit. And the music video is... sdfghjkjhgfd. The bit where the star tattoos fly off that guy like shurikens is hilarious. It’s so dumb. It’s so bad. I love it so much. I’m so glad I found a gif of that part. Amazing.

4 - Hasta La Vista (MC Solaar)

US: Not on the list / FR: #8

MC Solaar was (and still is, but this was his peak imho) the best storyteller in French hip hop, with strange concept-songs, and a ton of weird puns.

This is basically a mashup of Notre Dame de Paris and a western, in which the singer is starring in the main role but as a pizza delivery man.

Not making this up.

3 - Le Vent Nous Portera (Noir Désir)

US: Not on the list / FR: #29

I really, really hesitated before putting that song on the list, especially at such a high spot. I guess every French speaker reading this already knows why, but to clarify to my other followers: the guy who wrote this and sings this is a murderer. He wasn’t at the time this song came out, obviously, but still, it’s really, really difficult to separate the art from the artist in some cases, and this is one of them, because oh boy, this song is dark. Beautiful, but dark.

The problem is, it’s also great, so I’m really torn. So I decided to still put it on the list, considering how much I loved it back in the day. I think it’s still possible to appreciate beautiful things made by horrible people as long as you acknowledge that fact and never, ever try to excuse the things they did.

Also that lovely guitar is played by Manu Chao and I’m glad he found a way to land on my list in the end.

2 - L’Histoire d’une Fée, C’est (Mylène Farmer)

US: Not on the list / FR: #92

Madam, I don’t even care that I put you so high on one of my lists again. It doesn’t matter. Please sing a harmless song about fairies to wash the bad taste that the previous entry left in my mouth. This sounds absolutely stellar. It doesn’t even have a music video and it charted anyway. The guy composing the music is at the top of his game and is firing on all cylinders. It’s one of my all time favorite songs from Mylène Farmer even if it’s one of the stupidest ones. It’s colorful and it glows and sparkles, and it’s full of energy and joy with an undercurrent of mystery.

If you don’t know it yet, please give it a try. It’s great.

1 - Solaar Pleure (MC Solaar)

US: Not on the list / FR: #20

Oh boy. My mother hated this song, and once told me it was “shocking and disturbing” [sic] that I loved it.

So. Uh. This is “Solaar Is Crying”. How do I explain this shit to my English followers without sounding like a drunk weirdo rambling in a park. Uh. Here goes nothing.

This is a French hip hop song in which the singer is telling the story of a man preparing his own funeral, dying, arriving in the afterlife, ending up in paradise, forgiving the people who wronged him in life and death, becoming an exterminator angel, going to hell on a MISSION TO FIGHT EVIL, LITERALLY SPITTING ON BELZEBUTH, GATHERING HELP FROM EVERY RELIGION POSSIBLE, UNITING THEM ALL TO DESTROY SATAN ONCE AND FOR ALL, EXPLODING HIM INTO ANTIMATTER, THEN REALISING ALL OF THIS WAS IN VAIN BECAUSE THERE’S STILL BAD PEOPLE DOING BAD THINGS ON EARTH AND THE DEVIL HIMSELF WASN’T THE SOURCE OF ALL EVIL IN THE WORLD.

I swear I am not making ANY of this up.

It’s f█cking amazing.

I BEG you to listen to it if you’ve never heard it and PLEASE tell me your opinion afterwards. I would make a best-of of my favorite lines in it, but it would be 90% of the entire song. Here’s a translation of the entire thing.

Next up: Johannes turns 14 and the shit is about to hit the fan and also is that a f█cking top 15

[commentaryvorg]

Danganronpa V3 Commentary: Part 5.9

Be aware that this is not a blind playthrough! This will contain spoilers for the entire game, regardless of the part of the game I’m commenting on. A major focus of this commentary is to talk about all of the hints and foreshadowing of events that are going to happen and facts that are going to be revealed in the future of the story. It is emphatically not intended for someone experiencing the game for their first time.

Last time, almost everyone was in so much despair that they were legitimately suicidal, Maki definitely was not and cannot possibly have been okay with helping everyone die before they’d rescued Kaito, then the plot continued to be one massive lie as they saw the Hope’s Peak Flashback Light, which was a terrible piece of in-universe writing to pander to the audience, that had to be semi-brainwashing the characters to make them even care and fill them with a meaningless “hope” that’s nothing close to the actual point of the word.

We left off kind of mid-conversation as they were talking about this meaningless hope, specifically because things are about to become a lot more meaningful right here.

Maki:  “We have to… save Kaito, too.”

Because finally, someone is talking sense!

Himiko:  “He’s so stupidly positive. He’s just the kind of guy we need at a time like this.”

Keebo:  “With Kaito by our side encouraging us, then even if we are the only people left… I think we can still find a new hope.”

Shuichi:  (Yeah… that’s exactly right. I knew that… even in a situation like this, he’d think of something!)

And now it seems like they’re shifting slightly towards the actual definition of hope. They’re assuming that, with Kaito’s incredible levels of optimism, he’ll be able to think of some way this situation can end positively, some outcome that they’ll actually be able to hope for.

(And technically, in deciding to rescue him, they’ve now found something to actually hope for already – they’re hoping they can get their friend back! It’s just a more minor hope that doesn’t fix their overall situation yet.)

Maki mentions that she happened to see Kokichi leaving the Exisal hangar yesterday, which is how she knows they’re both in there.

Tsumugi:  “By chance? Really? I bet the truth is you were worried about Kaito and were watching the hangar all day.”

Of course she was worried about Kaito, they’re friends, you moron. Anyone would be worried about their friend in a situation like this if they weren’t in too much despair and depression to find the energy to do so – which Maki was not, because she’s been through so much awful stuff in her past that it’s given her a certain level of resistance to that kind of feeling now. Shuichi was worried about Kaito too, and if he’d magically not been in despair then he would also have been watching the hangar yesterday and trying to figure out a way to rescue him.

Some lines a little bit later will make it clear that Tsumugi (and perhaps also the narrative) is trying to imply that the only reason Maki is worried about Kaito is because she has romantic feelings for him, but no, fuck off, that’s amatonormative as all hell and the fact that she does happen to have romantic feelings for him doesn’t change that.

Maki:  “…”

Shuichi:  (Looks like that was the case.)

Maki is blushing, because apparently she picked up on Tsumugi’s implication about the romantic feelings and is still not ready to admit to that part. Makiii, don’t let yourself get caught up in that nonsense; you did it because Kaito is your friend and nothing else is relevant here. This is exactly the kind of bullshit that could pressure people into thinking they totally must have romantic feelings for their friends when they genuinely don’t, which is not okay.

Maki:  “It’s not like I was worried about Kaito or anything. I just… had nothing else to do.”

Maki has always worried about Kaito since they became friends and has even more or less admitted to it a few times. She’s only denying it so insistently now because Tsumugi is implying that if she’s worried about him then that’d mean she’s obviously in love with him because it’s not like you can possibly be worried about your friend at all. Ugh. Ugh.

Maki:  “Also… I’m used to watching others, so it wasn’t any trouble. It’s important for assassins to watch their targets, and think of ways to kill them—”

I like how this starts out sounding like she’s talking about being a child caregiver, and then… oh. (I bet she did watch the kids a lot while she was caring for them in the orphanage, though.)

Maki:  “…We’re going to wait until tomorrow morning? What about the hangar?”

…

Shuichi:  “Maki… I know that you don’t want to wait a single minute more than necessary…”

Maki is really fixated on getting Kaito back as soon as possible. As it happens, there is a time-sensitive aspect here and sooner would be better, but she’s not aware of the fact that Kaito is dying and yet still seems to think time might be of the essence. She’s still worried about what Kokichi might be doing to him, isn’t she.

Maki:  “Fine, that’s what we’ll do then… This time, we’ll definitely kill him.”

Shuichi:  (Kill…?) “No, Maki, you can’t! Even if he’s a Remnant of Despair, that doesn’t—”

Maki:  “But if we kill him, then everything will end. We have no other choice. For that reason… I will kill him.”

Maki Roll, no! I would say that this is Maki getting caught up in the incorrect buzzword-y definition of “despair” and believing that “despair” still exists as long as Kokichi is alive, even though that’s bullshit because despair is a feeling and not a person and they’re already no longer feeling it right now. But there might be more to it than that, because she did indicate earlier that she’s not convinced Kokichi is really going to leave things here. So long as she believes that Kokichi might do something else to try and hurt them and make them feel despair again, it is somewhat more justified that she wants this. At least in her fucked-up worldview where she’s been raised to believe that killing people is the go-to method of solving problems that don’t have an obvious peaceful solution.

Shuichi:  “But… Kaito said that killing is wrong… remember?”

This is a really inappropriate way of putting it that makes it sound like killing is only wrong because Kaito said so. What Shuichi really should be saying here is two completely separate things: that killing is wrong, full stop – and also that Kaito in particular doesn’t want Maki to kill anyone and would be upset if she did. Merging the two ideas together makes it come out incredibly not right.

Maki:  “… …Fine. If everyone thinks that way, then I’ll listen to you guys.”

Maki Roll! I wish this wasn’t a lie but it is! In fact, the fact that everybody doesn’t want her to kill him is possibly what spurs her to try and kill him alone, in the middle of the night, because it seemed that until then she was planning to do it when they storm the place tomorrow morning.

Maki:  “But if it seems like anything dangerous is going to happen, then I’ll definitely kill him.”

This is a slightly more reasonable mindset – self-defence, if he was about to hurt someone. But she could still definitely do that by just knocking him out. Dammit, Maki, you and your fucked-up upbringing that’s made you think this way.

Himiko:  “There’s nothing more dangerous than a heated Maki Roll.”

Himiko gets glared at for it this time, but we’re slowly working towards Maki being okay with Himiko calling her that!

Shuichi:  (I didn’t think we’d be able to stand together as one again. And… it’s thanks to Maki. While we were sedentary, feeling sorry for ourselves, she was planning…)

Yep! Turns out being written with the most tragic backstory ever can actually be useful in terms of making you desensitised to horribly despairing situations that would break anybody else’s spirit.

Shuichi:  (I suppose it might also be thanks to Kaito… Because Kaito was worried about her, she promised to work hard to do her best…)

Of course! If it weren’t for Kaito, Maki wouldn’t be trusting and co-operating with everyone like she is now!

(Although I wonder if this is a mistranslation and the original actually meant to say “because she was worried about Kaito” – and if that’s what it means, then that’s less relevant. She would have been up and about regardless because of her resistance to despair, and it’s only because of that that she was then able to spend time worrying about Kaito. Shuichi is worried about Kaito too, but that alone wasn’t enough for him to fight off the despair.)

Maki:  “…Let’s do our best. Then the three of us… can train together again.”

NO. DON’T DO THIS TO ME, GAME. Not when they’re not ever going to be able to train together as a trio again, because no matter what happens from here, Kaito is not going to make it. Aaaaaa.

In his room, Shuichi decides that there’s still something he can do, namely scouting out the Exisal hangar.

Shuichi:  (And… I’m worried about Kaito. He’s hurt, and… he’s sick… I’m sure he doesn’t want me to worry about him, but… I have to.)

Aww. I love how Shuichi has picked up on the fact that Kaito hates it when people worry about him – but of course Shuichi can’t help worrying about Kaito anyway, Kaito is his best friend, how could he not.

And look at how Shuichi is perfectly aware that Kaito is still sick. Kaito’s claims of being back at 100% at the beginning of this chapter really did not fool anyone.

It’s also lovely that it’s not even occurring to Shuichi that Kaito might still not want to talk to him. So many awful things have happened that their falling out is barely relevant to Shuichi any more next to the fact that he just wants to see Kaito again and know that he’s okay, and he’s unthinkingly assuming Kaito would feel the same. (Which, of course, he does.)

If you try and head somewhere unrelated, in which the game always gives you a line that’s its way of saying “this isn’t what you should be doing, go progress the plot already”, the line that serves that purpose during this particular part is a repeat of most of what Shuichi just thought here, about how Kaito wouldn’t want him to worry but he has to. So it seems like being worried about Kaito is really the main thing on Shuichi’s mind and scouting out the hangar is mostly an excuse to get the chance to see if he’s okay.

(It’s almost like being worried and wanting to check on them is the natural response to your sick and injured friend being held captive by the big bad evil mastermind and not an inherent indication of anything other than platonic feelings. Fancy that.)

Oh, man, I decided to examine a dead student’s door to see what Shuichi had to say about them, except I happened to randomly choose Gonta’s:

Shuichi:  (Gonta… I finally understand your pain. I understand the despair you were holding inside. If you had known… that you were a symbol of hope… maybe we could have helped…)

I didn’t know this was here! It’s so lovely that this exists to acknowledge that Shuichi understands now what Gonta went through! Aww.

Knowing that he was a symbol of hope should not have changed anything about the despair he was feeling and the fact that he wanted to save everyone else from feeling that despair, though, just like it shouldn’t have changed anything about how Shuichi feels. I wonder if Gonta, with his more simple and straightforward outlook on things, would have been able to pick up on this. Maybe he’d have been kind of confused by all this stuff about symbols of hope and epic battles and would still have been simple-mindedly focused on the fact that everyone they knew is dead.

…But then again, even if he felt that way, if everyone else told him that he’s a symbol of hope and that he can still make a difference by holding onto some vague, nebulous “hope”, Gonta would almost certainly have been spurred to do his best anyway. Whenever someone told Gonta he could be useful, he’d always cling to that without questioning it, after all.

Keebo:  “We must rescue Kaito, no matter what… If we’re to defeat despair and find a new hope for ourselves… I’m certain we’ll need him by our side.”

At least Keebo realises that Kaito genuinely is a source of hope.

Shuichi:  “…Yeah, you’re right. It was thanks to Kaito that we’re all working together again!”

It’s interesting that Shuichi says this; he’s apparently talking about the last time Kaito rallied everyone together, which was before this whole mess happened, but that’s still important to him! Have I mentioned that Kaito is still a hero even though he never has any idea what he’s doing.

During this bit where you can walk around as you head to the hangar, Himiko is hanging out in front of Tenko’s lab, which is cute. I wonder if she went to apologise to Tenko for having given up for a little while.

Tsumugi:  “Maki, who was so tsundere in the beginning, is now the one pulling us along. But, it’s probably because of Kaito’s influence.”

Shuichi:  “Huh? Why do you think that?”

Shuichi, you should know that Maki’s helpfulness is thanks to what Kaito has done for her, you shouldn’t be asking this. Apparently he is awkwardly being twisted into asking this as a setup for the bad writing that is about to ensue.

Tsumugi:  “Huh? Why? You can tell just by looking… Maki’s interested in Kaito.”

Because this is not the fucking point! Maki would have changed just as much thanks to Kaito’s encouragement and training whether or not she had any romantic feelings for him, and that is obvious. Just because Tsumugi happens to be right doesn’t mean that her coming to this conclusion for these reasons makes any kind of sense.

I also cringe at the phrasing “interested in Kaito”, as if Maki’s trying to get something from Kaito, like she’s entitled to it just because she feels this way. Admittedly that phrasing is just a product of general background amatonormativity in the way things like this are usually talked about and not necessarily inherent to what the game’s doing here. Still, I’m pretty confident that Maki in particular would not actually be thinking like this just because she has feelings for him, since she is seemingly on the aromantic spectrum and doesn’t see things in that usual way, and is also horrendously selfless and never thinks that what she might want is ever important.

Tsumugi:  “Otherwise, she wouldn’t be watching the hangar the whooooole time like she is.”

Yes, because it’s not like she could possibly be worried about him and staking out the hangar to figure out Kokichi’s movements and the best way to rescue Kaito if they were “~just~” friends, right???? Shut up.

(Shuichi, you’d better not tell her that you’re about to go scout out the hangar too since you’re also worried about Kaito. That might just give her even more Stupid Assumptions.)

Tsumugi:  “Huh? Are you shocked? Were you guys in some reverse love triangle situation?”

(Or possibly Tsumugi is also heteronormative and that wouldn’t occur to her; I’m not sure who she’s implying Shuichi is into here. At least this one she goes on to admit is a joke, but, ffff.)

Tsumugi being like this is incredibly frustrating, but it makes a certain amount of sense, because the point of her character is that she’s a fan, and this is exactly the kind of thing fans do. (And shouldn’t. Shipping itself is totally fine, ship whatever you want if it makes you happy, but insisting that perfectly platonic things are definitely proof of romantic feelings is amatonormative, please don’t. People can care about each other to the ends of the earth without being in romantic love, and this needs to be acknowledged more.)

Tsumugi is also going to insist later that Maki’s feelings for Kaito are totally her doing, which she might already be trying to sow hints at here, but I’m of the firm belief that that’s bullshit, too. I’ll talk about that more in chapter 6.

Maki is the only one who’s not out and about somewhere during this part. The fact that she apparently doesn’t want anyone to see her right now is a little concerning.

The Exisals are guarding Monokuma. It’s entirely possible they were doing that from the moment Kokichi came back from the tunnel, making this the reason why Monokuma hasn’t been there for the announcements and hasn’t been able to try and influence the game since then.

Note how it is only four Exisals doing this – the fifth one (the red one) is still inside the hangar, because Kokichi is preparing to execute his plan and knows it’s going to be needed. Even if Maki wasn’t going to storm in and complicate things, he is already ready to do this.

And now to talk to Kaito!

Kaito:  “Don’t shout, stupid! Kokichi will hear us!”

Kaito says this, but this isn’t going to stop him from sometimes talking quite loudly during the rest of this conversation anyway.

Shuichi:  “Tomorrow morning… we’re all coming to rescue you.”

Kaito:  “All of you?”

Kaito’s voice sounds so surprised and moved to hear that it’s all of them, as if he never expected the others to care enough to make the effort to rescue him. But of course it’s not just your sidekicks who care about you, Kaito! You’ve had a huge impact on everyone!

Shuichi:  “We had all given up. But not Maki. She did everything she could to get you back. …It’s because she believes in you, Kaito.”

I mean, really it’s because Maki is resistant enough to despair that she hadn’t given up, and from that position the most useful thing she could be doing was working on rescuing Kaito, but. She still does believe in him. That is still a very true statement.

Shuichi:  “She knows that you would never give up, no matter how bad things got.”

Kaito:  “Y-Yeah! Of course! I’m Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars! Even if the world has ended and humanity has gone extinct, I can’t give up!”

Of course not! But of note is his slight stutter as he begins to say this, and the fact that he only even says it after hearing that Maki believes he wouldn’t give up. Kaito is definitely having a much harder time staying optimistic about this than he would like to, and he only starts forcing it through once he hears that one of his sidekicks is expecting it of him. He has to keep living up to that expectation, no matter what.

Kaito:  “It’d be a crappy story if the hero gave up so easily!”

He’s still trying his hardest to be a hero, even after all of these incredible hardships he’s been through! In fact, I think this might be a sign that Kaito has stated to shift his view of heroes just slightly – that he’s realised that the most important thing for a hero isn’t necessarily that he succeeds, but just that he never gives up no matter what’s thrown at him. What makes a hero story crappy isn’t that the hero struggles, just if those struggles cause the hero to give up and lose.

(Also, the “story” part is quite relevant. Kaito’s thing of seeing himself as like a hero in a story is delightfully appropriate to the game’s theme.)

Shuichi:  “Yeah, that’s right, Kaito.”

Shuichi agrees! Both that Kaito is still a hero, and, I like to think, that good hero stories involve the hero never giving up. Shuichi likes novels, after all, so he’d know – far better than Kaito ever used to – that the heroes who struggle and suffer make much more compelling and inspiring stories than the heroes who effortlessly win at everything.

Kaito:  “Don’t you worry! I’ll do something about all this! That’s a promise!”

Kaito, you wonderful moron, you don’t need to! Shuichi just told you they’re all coming to rescue you! All you need to do is sit tight and wait!

Kaito:  “All you guys are working so hard, so I can’t just sit back and relax!”

But of course he can’t just do that – he always feels the need to do something about the situation, and to do it himself so that he can feel like he’s making a difference. He’s still supposed to be the hero, isn’t he?

This hasty promise of his culminates in his basically inconsequential attempt to fight back against Kokichi with the crossbow tonight. But note that he clearly hasn’t actually thought of that plan yet, or he’d be asking Shuichi to go and bring him a crossbow instead of having to ask Himiko later.

Shuichi:  (There’s… something I want to ask him… I don’t care if he’s overconfident, or acting… I just want to hear him say, ‘Don’t worry, it will be okay.’)

See, Kaito really is still a hero to Shuichi! Shuichi still needs and benefits from Kaito’s encouragement and optimism, even when he’s perfectly aware that it’s all a façade. Sometimes just hearing those words even when you know they’re not true is all you need, and Kaito is the best at giving them. Since he knows they’re not true but is choosing to invest in them anyway, Shuichi isn’t seeing Kaito’s words as lies, but as an inspiring fiction. (Kaito sees them more as lies, though, because he thinks they’ll only work as long as Shuichi believes they’re true.)

Kaito:  “It’s just… I’m happy you guys wanna save me, but stay safe, okay? Getting close to an Exisal is dangerous, even if you’ve got an Electrohammer.”

Oh, Kaito, of course you would still worry about everyone except yourself in this situation. He’s glad they care about him, but he still doesn’t like the idea of them risking themselves just for him.

Shuichi:  “Ah, by the way… are you feeling okay? Apart from the injury, obviously.”

Yes, that very vague and nebulous injury where we never actually know what kind of injury it even is. But that aside, what Shuichi is actually asking here, albeit indirectly, is, “How’s your health?” He totally knows that Kaito is still sick.

Kaito:  “Who, me? Yeah… of course. It’s nothing.”

But of course it’s fine. Of course it’s nothing. It’s definitely not so horrendously bad that he’s barely even going to last a day from here, nope, he can’t have Shuichi worry about him at all or risk ruining his high spirits, especially not at a time like this.

Kaito:  “Anyway, Kokichi should be back soon, so we better end our chat.”

Shuichi:  “Ah, okay… Sure. … And hey, Kaito… About what happened with Gonta—”

It’s appropriate that Shuichi only awkwardly brings this up when they’re supposedly about to end their conversation. He’s just had this whole chat in which Kaito is happily talking to him again, so things seem fine, but he still doesn’t want to end it without trying to address what happened between them. Perhaps the fact that Kaito is finally talking to him again is what gives Shuichi the confidence to bring it up, even though he’s still not sure exactly what to say (because I certainly hope Shuichi isn’t about to try and apologise for the absolutely nothing that he did wrong).

Kaito:  “Shuichi, I leave the rest to you.”

This is the first time Kaito has said Shuichi’s name since pushing him away at the end of chapter 4. And yes, you guessed it – in Japanese, this is him using the name “Shuichi” again, and not “Saihara”. He is immediately letting Shuichi know that everything is okay between them.

To talk specifically about Japanese-Kaito a bit more, because this thing with Shuichi’s name is a delightful bit of extra nuance which is sadly (but unavoidably) missing in the English: I imagine that Kaito regretted calling him “Saihara” from the moment he said it, because that gave the implication of “I don’t care about you any more,” which he must know would have hurt Shuichi and he never wanted to do that. But he’d have also spent early chapter 5 not feeling like he deserves to call him “Shuichi”, because that’s a mark of the close, trusted friendship that he feels like he’s broken by letting him down. So Kaito’s inability to talk to Shuichi would have been somewhat convenient for him in this regard, because it gave him a perfectly good excuse to not address Shuichi by either name when both of them would have hurt to use.

Shuichi:  “…What?”

Shuichi is so bewildered that this is how Kaito chose to respond to this. He was preparing himself for a painful, heavy talk about what happened to Gonta, but instead Kaito is just… praising him…?

Kaito:  “While I’m gone, you gotta support everyone. Especially Maki Roll… She can be reckless sometimes.”

The “while I’m gone” part could sound on the surface like he’s just talking about until they rescue him, but… I think we all know what he really means by that. He means, “When I’m gone”. Because he knows he won’t last much longer and that Shuichi is going to have to take charge and keep fighting without him when the time comes.

This is also not the first time Kaito has asked Shuichi to support Maki while he’s not able to do so himself, as if Maki still needs some support with her issues and Shuichi is a hero enough that he’d be able to give it.

(And I am amused by Kaito having the audacity to remark on her being reckless sometimes. Look who’s talking.)

Kaito:  “You’re an impressive detective, through and through.”

…Yep, Kaito’s response to Shuichi bringing up Gonta very much is all about him telling Shuichi how awesome he is. This may sound like he’s just shifting the topic away from the Gonta issue, but in fact this is Kaito responding to that in the best way he ever could. Because the core issue of that trial was never what happened to Gonta and was never about Kaito being angry at Shuichi for doing what he did. It was about Kaito not being able to accept that Shuichi is stronger and more of a hero than him. And that’s exactly what he’s able to do now. By praising Shuichi’s strength and reliability, Kaito is essentially saying that he’s no longer letting himself be upset by that and Shuichi shouldn’t worry about it any more.

That said, that message doesn’t really get communicated to Shuichi here, because Shuichi never realised the problem was on Kaito’s end in the first place, and Kaito is still not actually admitting to having been jealous or apologising for lashing out quite yet. Still, Shuichi can at least tell from Kaito’s positivity and encouragement (and using his given name in Japanese) that things appear to be good again and therefore Kaito apparently isn’t angry at him any more (even though he never was in the first place, you idiot).

But one thing that unfortunately doesn’t ever really get covered is why Kaito is okay with this now. It’s a pretty significant shift for him, but he’s been offscreen for almost two ingame days so we never get to see any hints of how that shift occurred (and he’s certainly never going to talk about it, because he’s Kaito).

That’s not going to stop me from thinking about this anyway! To be fair, I think a lot of it rather simply comes down to suddenly facing an even bigger, even worse problem which puts the problem between himself and Shuichi into perspective and makes him realise it’s not quite as big of a deal as he was making it out to be. The notion that he’s let Shuichi down suddenly doesn’t matter nearly as much when also the entire world has ended and they’re two of literally only seven people left alive.

I also think, though, that this would have put things in perspective for Kaito in another way. Up until then, he’d basically managed to irrationally convince himself that Shuichi is an invincible hero who doesn’t need him. But a revelation this huge and awful would be hard on anyone, no matter how heroic they are. At a time like this, everyone is going to need support from their friends, and everyone is going to be able to give it, just by being there. And the only thing someone can really offer in this situation is baseless optimism because this is too massive for anyone to “do something about it”, yet that baseless optimism is still going to help.

So, while this is all speculative because we never see any indications of what went on in Kaito’s head during these two days, I think it makes sense that the impact of what he saw outside that door would have shifted his previously very black-and-white perspective about heroes and sidekicks, and strength versus weakness. He should be able to realise now that even though Shuichi may be stronger and more of a hero than him, that doesn’t mean he won’t still need and benefit from someone else’s support, and it doesn’t mean Kaito can’t still be someone who can give that to him, even if all he has to give is words of encouragement and a smile.

Kaito:  “You might not only reach the truth, but something even beyond it.”

This is a very interesting line! Apparently Kaito believes that there’s something “beyond” the truth. It’s almost like he’s also aware that what they saw outside isn’t actually the real truth.

Now, he definitely doesn’t know that for certain, or he’d be telling Shuichi he thinks so (unlike someone), but, consider. Kaito has still managed not to fall into despair from that awful supposed-truth, despite not being numb to despairing situations like Maki is, and despite not having seen the Flashback Light which filled everyone with artificial motivation. This is a testament to his ridiculously stubborn optimism, which even manages to work in a situation that’s this completely hopeless. Kaito’s is a mentality which utterly refuses to let him properly acknowledge painful things that are right in front of him – that’s why he couldn’t accept Gonta’s guilt, after all. He’d rather cling to the slightest possibility of something better, even if it goes against all reason to consider it possible in the first place, purely for the sake of not giving up.

So I think Kaito managed to keep himself together in this situation by stubbornly telling himself that maybe what they saw outside isn’t quite the whole truth after all, despite having zero actual proof that that could be the case. It’s completely baseless optimism, but a baseless optimism that he clings to all the same simply because he’s Kaito and he refuses to fall into despair. And if the outside world they saw really isn’t the whole truth, if there really is a real, less hopeless truth behind that, then Kaito sure as hell doesn’t have a clue how to prove it – but he knows that if anyone can, it’s Shuichi.

Kaito:  “And don’t forget… you’re not alone! Don’t try to do everything yourself. It’s only gonna wear you out. When times are hard, you gotta rely on your friends.”

Despite how he believes in Shuichi’s potential to take charge of it all and take everything from here, Kaito still also knows that Shuichi is liable to put all of the pressure on himself and carry the burden alone. So Kaito’s still telling him not to do that, albeit in a very different way to how he was back in chapter 4. Back then, Kaito was always insisting that he was there for Shuichi, that he’d carry the burden for him – but now it seems Kaito’s finally accepted that it doesn’t necessarily have to be him, so long as Shuichi has someone and isn’t alone.

This definitely also has a lot to do with the fact that Kaito is dying and knows he’s not going to be able to support Shuichi any more before long, no matter how much he might want to. In fact, this particular sentiment is something Kaito’s going to repeat to Shuichi in the actual final conversation they have, suggesting that this is the last thing he wants to make sure Shuichi hears from him and remembers going forward.

Which implies that, even during this conversation… Kaito isn’t sure if he’s ever going to get another chance to talk to Shuichi. He’s worried that he might not make it until next morning when they’re coming to rescue him. His illness is so bad by this point that it’s a real possibility to him that it’s going to kill him before then.

And yet, that’s only half as long as he actually manages to make it from here. Kaito is so much stronger than he thinks he is – just about exactly as strong as everyone else thinks he is, in fact. The outward stubbornness and determination he gives off is really not so much of a lie, even if he doesn’t believe it himself.

(The belief that he’s dying this quickly might also be part of why Kaito insisted he was going to carry out a plan of his own when he doesn’t need to – because he’d never be able to bear the alternative of just sitting and helplessly waiting to die. He needs to feel like he’s doing something and have something to focus on and distract himself, no matter how pointless he knows it really is.)

Kaito:  “I believe in you. So I’m leaving the rest to you for now.”

Kaito says this in a surprisingly subdued way for his usual standards, which actually just makes it come across as even more earnest and genuine and adorable. A lot of what he’s said here has been an overly-cheerful façade to help Shuichi stay positive – but Kaito’s belief in Shuichi is 100% the truth.

Kaito:  “You got it, Shuichi?”

And then he puts a bit more enthusiasm into his last sentence here, to keep pushing Shuichi forward.

Shuichi:  (Kaito… thank you. Thank you for being my friend.)

This is adorable (they are FRIENDS did you know), but it seems to be saying that Shuichi is simply grateful for Kaito generally being his friend ever since they started training. That’s not actually what this line is supposed to be about – in Japanese, Shuichi thinks, “Thank you for calling me by that name again” and is therefore specifically being grateful and relieved that they’ve made up after their falling-out. That’s even more adorable and goes to show just how hurt Shuichi was by the thought that their friendship had been broken (even though it never had; they were just both being idiots). This line could still have got that sense across in English despite the name thing not being a thing – something like, “I’m really glad we’re still friends,” perhaps.

Kaito:  “Alright, now get going before Kokichi comes back!”

Shuichi:  “You’re right. See you tomorrow, Kaito.”

Yes. Yes, you will see each other tomorrow, even though both of you are going to be afraid that won’t be the case at one point or another between now and then.

(Note how it’s Shuichi who says see you tomorrow, not Kaito. Right now Kaito is the one who doesn’t quite fully believe that’ll happen.)

Shuichi:  (After leaving Kaito with a smile, I returned to my room.)

Awww he’s so happy that they are still friends and that Kaito seems to be doing okay (but he totally isn’t, the selfless idiot).

Meanwhile please imagine Kaito turning away from the window and just kind of collapsing against the wall as he’s hit with the full weight of the fact that this might have been the last time he’ll ever see his best friend.

(It still would have helped to get to talk to him here, though. Up until now, Kaito must have been afraid he might never see Shuichi again at all and wouldn’t even get the chance to make up with him – that he’d die while still not quite even being Shuichi’s friend. That would have been so, so much worse.)

Shuichi:  “We go at dawn.” (I won’t hesitate anymore. Kaito has taught me…)

Kaito has taught Shuichi so much! If only Kaito realised that.

---

[Next post]

[howlsmovinglibrary]

If you wouldn’t mind, I’d love to hear your Jaime Lannister rant! I’m more of a book fan myself but I did watch this last season and it was just so profoundly disappointing to watch them ruin a great redemption arc because “well bad people are just bad forever that’s how it goes”. (I have heard he does some worse stuff in the show than in the books, and that he never really broke from Cersei in the same way, but still).

Invite me to unload my broken JaimexBrienne shipper heart, anon? I don’t mind if I do!

Answer under the cut, because again, LONG POST. (with spoilers)

So, my personal theory behind how awfully and profoundly circular Jaime Lannister’s character development in the show turned out to be is just an extension of what’s already been confirmed before. From the very beginning of the TV show, Jaime Lannister was a much more liked character than he was in the books, from a much earlier point in the narrative. I think this is partly because, you know, fandom and hot antivillain men, but also because from what I gather the books deny you Jaime’s POV and his version of the events he’s been involved in for much longer, whereas the show’s omniscient viewpoint means you see much more sympathetic aspects of his character from the very beginning.

Whenever show!Jaime got too likeable, the writers would have him do something awful, often without source material as justification, to try and realign the audience’s sympathies and put him back on the villain side. Rather than doing the logical thing and leaning into it and therefore guaranteeing the support of your fanbase (I say this is ‘logical’ not from my shipper bias, but from the perspective of examining the way shows typically manipulate fandom - for instance Spike was such a fan favourite in Buffy that he basically got written into the show, and his entire redemption arc was just a very refined and appreciated form of fan pandering.)

When Jaime hurt and abandoned Brienne in the same episode that the ship was confirmed, I had an awful feeling this was exactly what the writers were trying to do: “oh shit, Jaime is going to die, because they made him a dickish, out-of-character thing to try at the immediate moment he became too likeable, and turn the audience against him so that they won’t riot at his tragic ending.”

Turns out I was right, but his tragic ending was way worse than I could ever imagine, because it was thoroughly pointless.

I’m sure there’s a lot of other people on this website that have much more textual backing for this, but Jaime should’ve killed Cersei. Or hell, Jaime should’ve been killed by Arya (the heartless murder assassin version of last season), and then Arya uses his face to kill Cersei, manipulating the queen’s greatest weakness against her. Anything that confirms Maggie the Frog’s prophecy about how Cersei will be killed by her younger brother, but subverting Cersei’s profound belief that it was always going to be Tyrion.

My personal theory was that Jaime was going to push Cersei out of a window - continuing the poetic justice streak within GoT where characters are killed in the ways they murdered others.  He would push her, she would grab for him, and he’d try and catch himself. But oh no! he’s got a metal hand! he can’t find purchase! and he also falls, tragically, to his death. Prophecy subverted but fulfilled, my favourite ship sunk (although Brienne, my queen, lives), BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY IN TERMS OF JAIME’S CHARACTER, redemption achieved.

But instead, Euron fucking Greyjoy (a hated, reviled character who is the embodiment of all the misogynistic gross crass violence certain writers use GoT as a means of getting away with) gets a triumphant kill, and Jaime goes back to Cersei, undoing seasons of him battling with a toxic relationship and learning that some things are more important than family, or in fact just learning that his sister in an abuser who he needs to escape. He doesn’t kill Cersei, but even worse, NO ONE kills Cersei. Cersei doesn’t even have agency in her own death! Instead she starts weeping, because we need to humanise our main villain in order to demonise Danaerys and in some way justify her crazy bananas arc (rather than, you know, through good writing), and she gets crushed by a building.

So yeah, I’m mad. I’m also mad that when JaimexBrienne becomes canon, it entails this weird feminising of Brienne, where she is ashamed of being a virgin in a faux medieval society where such things are to be prized above all in the nobility, after a career of confidently defying the attempts of others to make fun of how undesirable she is. I’m fine with the last shot of her character being her writing about Jaime, because yeah, my shipper heart twinged a little. But she didn’t write an entry about herself afterwards? About how she’s now not only the first female kingsguard, but the head of the kingsguard? Fucking wild. Terrible writing. Seven seasons wasted. Well done D&D.

[kdtheghostwriter]

SNK 115  - “OMW”

I mean...

Let’s be real. As far as Deus Ex goes, I’ve seen more preposterous this week.

If any of you are wondering why this post took so long, it isn’t for lack of time I assure you. This chapter was…a lot. And god damn, Isayama, I wasn’t expecting to dig up my Junior Year debate notes for this one blog post but here we are lads. Quick recap before we get into writers’ mumbo-jumbo.

Flashback

Deus EX

#HeelFloch

Sad Hange

RESURRECTION

We all know Isa loves his religious imagery. He isn’t quite as egregious as Zack Snyder (who is, tbh?) but it’s definitely a thing. He also loves mythology of all types. And while Norse mythology seems to be his area of expertise, it isn’t mine - which is why seeing Stupid Sexy Zeke emerge from his Titan Incubator made me think of another Stupid Sexy God from the Ancient Greek Canon.

I speak of the Goddess Aphrodite, who has dominion over love, beauty and its various trappings. Admittedly, this comparison is drawn in relation to aesthetics only. Zeke’s aloof temperament doesn’t really mirror that of the Greek goddess. Even though Aphrodite did technically help start the Trojan War but that’s neither here nor there.

Zeke’s appearance from the steam of the felled Titan is nearly identical to the foam that appeared during Aphrodite’s spontaneous conception in the Ionian Sea. For the sake of transparency, I must point out that long ago, a fanfic author by the name of Homer relayed to us that Aphrodite was the daughter of Zeus and Dione. This is not technically wrong but it is quite boring. And it was also pre-dated (shout-out to Hesiod). Uranus, the primordial god of the sky, got into a spat with his children as deities are wont to do. This particular dust-up ended in Uranus being castrated by his son – the Titan, Cronus – who usurped the throne. The disembodied testicles fell into the sea like a pair of primordial bath bombs and out of the resulting effervescence appeared a full-grown Aphrodite in all of her Tumblr-banned glory.

Zeke, with nothing left of him after the explosion than a head and torso, was taken into the gut of a waiting Titan. Let me clarify, here. He was not eaten, no. The mindless titan scooted itself along the river banks and inserted the dying Zeke into its stomach cavity. Then OG Ymir with her trademark PATHS Magiks,  crafts the golden boy a brand new body and sends him on his merry way.

Like I said up top: of all the examples of Deus Ex, this isn’t even the third-most severe I’ve seen. The implications of it are…a lot. And it actually makes sense if you consider what we know about Titan Biology.

Back to the beginning. Once upon a time, the Founder Ymir Fritz made a deal with the Devil of All Earth that gave her untold power after coming into contact with the “source of all living matter.” With that power, Ymir became the Progenitor of Titan Power. Upon her death 13 years later, her soul was split into nine pieces and connected via a metaphysical system known only as PATHS. These PATHS transcend space and time and bind together every subject of Ymir, even those who have been long dead.

We also know that the Titans themselves are a conundrum of theoretical physics. Their mass and energy are created from nothing. They generate massive amounts of heat, but don’t appear to need fuel. They have no digestive system and regurgitate the contents of their stomach when it becomes full. Even though they are huge creatures, their actual limbs and body parts are incredibly light. Even though Zeke has little recollection of what happened to him post-explosion, he’s likely smart enough to infer, as we can, exactly how and why he emerged from the carcass of a Titan with a brand new body.

This is all before we mention that Zeke Jaeger is a part of the Fritz family tree. The Royal Family line that descends directly from Ymir herself.

I also thought about Lazarus of Bethany while reading this section. Lazarus was a good friend of Jesus, the lad from Bethlehem. Maybe you’ve heard of him. Jesus was told that Lazarus had fallen ill, but has business and doesn’t set out until a few days later. Jesus and his crew arrive in Bethany only to discover that Lazarus has already passed away. This leads to the Gospel’s shortest verse.

Jesus wept. [John 11:35, KJV]

Perhaps the better comparison for her is to Abraham (with the whole “making a great nation” stipulation). But! I’m trying to do something pithy here, so bear with me.

The story of Lazarus might be the Good Book’s most well-known resurrection (besides that other one). The idea here is that the world’s most Holy Figure decided that this man’s time on Earth wasn’t done. Jesus was too late to heal Lazarus and felt so guilty as to weep. Lazarus was then called forth from his tomb, still wrapped in his death robes.

For the Eldian Empire, no figure is more Holy than Ymir Fritz. She’s the Founding Titan and, if this chapter is to be inferred upon, her spirit still influences the will of her subjects to the day. An entire cult has formed with the sole purpose of returning her to her former glory. I should also point out that Zeke essentially committed suicide.

Like, yeah, maybe the injuries were a bit too extreme for an old shifter to be able to regenerate from, but even if that’s the case there would have been the telltale signs of an attempt to do so, like Pieck in Liberio. There wasn’t even that. He was so tired of the fight – so done with Levi torturing him – that he was willing to abandon his years-long plan entirely and sacrifice his powers to the shadows of death. He chose to die; the Founder chose differently.

The rainstorm clearing to make way for the sun. The beautification of Zeke Jaeger. The visage of his tall, strong frame standing firm as his hated rival lays broken and mutilated at his feet. It’s all very hard to miss. Who knows where his head is at following this? I do, however, finally know why I get so many Spidey Sense tingles whenever Zeke opens his mouth.

  The name is Immanuel Kant: German scholar and one of the godfathers of modern philosophy. I first learned of Kant and his teachings as a teenager on my high school debate team as I prepared my cases for the Lincoln-Douglas competition. It was my first tournament and I placed second out of dozens of students. After I was done for the day, a girl came up to me and gave me congratulations for understanding Kant. I thanked her, but the truth was that I didn’t fully grasp Kantian philosophy until I got home that night and studied a bit more. Kantian ethics can be hard to grasp because they are often in conflict with each other. (Gee, that sounds familiar.)

Kant’s ethics are deontological in principal. This is a fancy way of saying that the main concern is the Deed That Must Be Done. It is a separation of morals from emotion. Kant rejected the Utilitarians of the day and their schools of thought regarding the inherent “goodness” of an action. Specifically, he had a big problem with Determinism, saying that things like free will were inherently unknowable; also, basing the morality of a decision around perceived outcomes was impossible, because consequences existed outside of physical existence and therefore could not be quantified. Kant set out to quantify the question of moral relativism with his most famous work: The Categorical Imperative.

This is a terribly complex system that has been repurposed and reinterpreted countless times over the past two centuries so I’ll spare you any ballywho. Basically, CI is the inverse of Consequentialism where everything but the consequences matter. Saving a person from drowning isn’t inherently a good action unless there is a logical reason for doing so. This is admittedly a very simplified summation, but even the expanded version leads to some dissonance of reason.

If we look at the Abstract of Categorical Imperative, it tells us: “Do not impose on others what you do not wish for yourself.” This line is very similar to the Golden Rule, which Kant famously opposed. The American scholar Peter Corning pointed this out, saying, “Kant’s objection is especially suspect because the Categorical Imperative sounds a lot like a paraphrase…of the same fundamental idea. Calling it a universal law does not materially improve on the basic concept.” To borrow an idea myself, it’s like playing the Super Mario theme in a minor key. It’ll sound more dour than usual, but it’s still the Mario theme. Joking aside, what’s important here is that the whole point of CI is to quantify the question of morality and it appears to do that in part by using the qualitative philosophy of the Golden Rule.

Another big beef came from Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard. He felt that Kantian autonomy was insufficient in holding people to the standards of CI’s universal truths. In his words: “Kant was of the opinion that man is his own law – that is, he binds himself under the law which he himself gives himself. Actually, in a profounder sense, this is how lawlessness or experimentation are established.” In other words, if the only thing that matters is reasoning, you can justify almost anything to serve your immediate reasoning.

EXAMPLE

Here is where the dubious nature of the Categorical Imperative fully rears its head, as it displays BOTH the morality and immorality of Zeke’s plan.

On one hand, this plan is fucking awful. There are numerous and many arguments to be made against it; working solely in the context of Kantianism, it is irrational to presume that sterilizing the Eldian people will lead to a more peaceful world. It relies on a ludicrous number of assumptions – the least of which isn’t that Marley will one day stop being a total bell end. Besides that shit, it violates the nature of Kantian philosophy by attempting to foresee the outcome of the situation.

The other hand? It actually makes sense. CI says that only reason matters. It’s ethics through the lens of rational thought. No matter your thoughts about the Great Titan War, how it started and ended, whether or not the Eldians’ preceding subjugation was just or not, it’s a fact that the Titans have caused a great deal of suffering for many people. Only one race of people can transform into these beasts, so the idea of stripping their ability to reproduce isn’t a great leap to make. It is rational specifically in the context of this universe.

(Apologies for any details missed. I haven’t read any Kant in several years and this is a very condensed version of a concept I would encourage you to look into further. Thinking about this all now, the fact that I ever made it to out-rounds while arguing any of this is frankly absurd.)

It makes sense then, finally, why Yelena is so devoted to Zeke’s plan. Titans destroyed her home and slaughtered her people. The rational course of action is to remove this weapon from the hands of those (Marley) that would abuse them. And if those same perpetrators get screwed over during the course of this plan then…[Shrug Emoji]. She claims what she wants is justice. What she really wants, of course, is revenge. Just like her sensei, Jaeger-san, who wants revenge still. Which Jaeger, you ask? The answer is yes.

Situations have been reversed. The volunteers (and Onyankopon) are seated at the head of the table while the officers of the Garrison and Military Police that held them captive are under their thumb. Color-coded armbands are divvied out to the Eldian forces, juuuuust in case you forgot which period of history we’re sending up here. Armbands are assigned based upon when a person surrendered to the Jaegerists. Those higher ups (and Falco) that partook of the wine get their own special armband, because Everything Is Awesome!!

Then there’s this fucking guy. Before I revisited the world of epistemology, I had a much less astute take prepared about character psychology and the concept of the “Double Turn.” I may still write that as a separate post; it won’t do any good here. Reiner didn’t appear, firstly (even though it appears that he and the Warrior Unit are on Paradis), and the visage of a disembodied child using Titan Magiks to bring Zeke back from the precipice of death brings up some very real questions about how real the Curse really is. We don’t know how Ymir Fritz died originally. Given the way mythology tends to work, I’d say patricide is highly plausible.

As usual, all we can do is speculate. One thing that doesn’t need speculation is Pieck. As usual, she’s right on time. As expected, she’s exactly right.

 Stray Thoughts

- As I noted last time, Levi was sent flying into the river. Evidently, he had enough strength to make it back to shore, just not much more than that. I suspect he’s alive for now but, goddamn did he get messed up. Levi underestimated Zeke’s suicidal tendencies, just as Zeke underestimated Levi’s tenacity. For two fellas that spent months in direct contact with each other, they have almost no clue.

- Not to stir the pot here but, here’s an in-story example of Kantian Ethics in case you’re still not quite sure. On the roof in Shiganshina – if Kant had been there (lol) – he would have disputed Levi giving the serum to Armin. Not for the reason you think. Categorical Imperative is all about reason. The reason Levi chose to save Armin is because he refused to rob his loved one of their humanity and instead chose to let him rest as opposed to reviving him for the sake of continuing a senseless, endless war. As Momtaku has said before: Levi chose Erwin over Armin. This was a choice made on emotional, borderline selfish, grounds and thereby irrational, which in Kant’s eyes makes it immoral. Just a little extra nugget for you. Discuss, friends!

[zivitz]

I can’t reblog this post so I’m just gonna copy and paste my reply. And then I have better things to do with my brain space than respond to people who are  attempting to browbeat me into submission while simultaneously refusing to allow me to participate, explain, or elaborate on my POV. So I might be talking to myself here, but it makes me feel better. To my followers, I’m sorry for the novel.

@trashpandabarnes ( @trashpanda-barnes) wrote:

yeah, abusing and gaslighting your “daughter” whose family who burnt to the ground, whom you tried to manipulate and sacrificed AGAINST HER WILL, as she ACTIVELY EXPRESSED HER DESIRE TO FREE HERSELF FROM YOU but you threw her off the cliff’s edge because u want power, because you don’t actually care about your “daughter” but are ALL about making her tragedy of negligence and abuse ALL YOUR OWN self-vicimized manpain is totally the characteristics of a fantastique dad™, ooof i could go on and on on the Gamora thing alone but then there’s Nebula who you mistreated her whole life and constantly pit her against the only person who she felt like she could have a connection to, and never passed up a chance to insult her, saying killing her would be a “waste of parts”. Boi oh boi @zivitz never fucking have kids dude if you think saying/doing this kind of shit to your kids is still gonna get u the award of father of the year bc no matter how much u claim u love ur kids, it doesn’t fucking excuse the abuse and also never have a girlfriend if this is how you think women are to be treated in fiction/otherwise —its 2018, women deserve  better than to  be treated as plot device for a self-importance asshole’s cringey angst. Get tf outta here with your apologist attitude, dufe. Thanos shows no remorse or no acknowledgement of faults and therefore, no character growth. He is stubborn and self-absorbed and a deadass weak villian. Marvel went about wrong with constantly trying to sympathize him, he’s a purple egoistic maniac and that is not an appealing character trait and should NOT have been glamorized by marvel for edgy fanboys like you with barely one working braincell, end of.

First of all, and this must be embarrassing for you- I’m not a guy. At least, I hope it’s embarrassing, because you’re making a fuck of a lot of assumptions based on this belief and they’re all wrong.

There seems to be a lot of thought going around that I am, and I quote, “pro-Thanos”. That I defend his actions or justify them in any way. That I think he’s a swell guy who’s just a misunderstood woobie. Or something. I think you’re confusing me with the Loki fangirls, but whatever.

Thanos being both capable of love and actually loving Gamora doesn’t make him a good person. It’s pretty clear throughout the movie that Gamora is literally the only person he loves. At all. In the universe. Except for himself, that is. Just because he’s capable of loving Gamora doesn’t mean he loves Nebula- I mean, clearly he fucking hates her. He doesn’t love the Black Order. I have a hunch that they started out as his ‘children’ in terms of being under his protection, guidance, and doing his bidding, but he was taken by Gamora and she became his daughter in thought and deed as well as word.

I have never ever said he was a good father, either. He clearly was not; no good parent puts their child through that kind of pain. No good parent rips a child away from their family, kills them, forces them into a life they neither are ready for nor would have chosen. A good parent (even most bad parents) doesn’t pit children against each other. Gamora had an abusive childhood, flat out. No one’s arguing that. Thanos is a big fat child abuser. He abused her (and Nebula, and probably the Black Order) to suit his own purpose. It was bad and wrong and fucked them all up royally and none of them deserved that.

Now take a step back and get the fuck of your high horse for a minute, and look at it from Thanos’s perspective. He is the hero of his own story. That’s what we were meant to see in Infinity War. A peek at the story from his point of view. Not that we were supposed to believe he was right, not that they were saying he had a point, or that we should sympathize with him. We’re not supposed to see character growth because he’s not the hero and there is no redemption. We’re just seeing how things look from his vantage point.

He saw his world die and couldn’t stop it because no one was strong enough to do the terrible, awful thing that would have saved it.  And he saw the same things happening all over, so he decided he was the only one strong enough to do what needed to be done. And he worked hard at it. He collected his ‘children’, those he could raise and train to be strong like him and carry out his work. Carry on his work, if it lasted beyond his lifetime.

Gamora came along and was Different. In that deleted scene, he said himself he saw himself as alone and he was okay with that (he says in a voice that very much says he was Not Okay With That) because he had ‘a new vocation’. Until Gamora. He loved her. Took her under his wing, trained her, challenged her to be the best she could be. Gave her a family. Thought she, his favourite daughter, would be his heir. Wanted her to choose it, choose him, and let her leave when she didn’t instead of dragging her back and punishing her. He doesn’t really care that she’s rejecting him because he loves her regardless, but is hurt by the betrayal of her lies because she was the one person he trusted completely. He hurts her, but only as much as he has to to get what he needs. If he didn’t need to, he wouldn’t hurt her (we see this again and again- he could have killed Bruce, Groot, Cap, Wanda- and he didn’t. He just wanted them out of his way). His Vocation is more important at this point. And even then, he struggles with the decision that he must sacrifice the one person he loves and again be utterly alone- and live with the knowledge that he’s killed his child, his ‘everything’- for the sake of the Greater Good.

That’s how Thanos views himself. Is that how I view him? Not really. I mean, objectively speaking he did pretty fucking unspeakable things for what he thinks in his own incredibly misguided way is the right thing to do. Did Gamora deserve all that? Fuck, no. No one does. Did he love her during all of that, think he was doing what was best for her? Yup. Was it actually what was best for her? Fucking hell. No.

I love Gamora. I feel a great affinity for her because I grew up in an abusive household, where I was groomed and manipulated to be what my mother wanted and needed me to be. I was made in her image, to be useful to her and do what she needed and prop her up. I was her enabler for a long time. I didn’t break away from her until I was long into adulthood. And yet, I was loved. My mother thought she was doing the right thing by me. She thought she was making me into a strong person. She was doing her best to make me the best I could be by her vision. Because she loved me. She was wrong about what she was doing. She fucked me up in ways I’m still learning about.  I can see both worlds: the one my mother inhabits, and the real world.

I feel Gamora. I really, truly do. But liking Thanos, being able to see how he sees himself and yes, even feel bad for someone who’s suffering even if they’re a crazy abusive monster, doesn’t mean I have to agree with him. Doesn’t mean I think he’s justified, doesn’t make me an apologist. Doesn’t mean I love Gamora any less.

And it doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. That I support abuse, abusers, or would abuse anyone in any way. I work with very young children precisely because I was abused and no one helped me. And I want to keep that from happening to other children, to keep them from growing up like I did. It’s my own version of “There are little girls like you across the universe who are in danger. You can stay with us and help them.” You make a lot of assumptions about me, and we all know what they say about that. This is fandom, but we’re all people here. Maybe check yourself before you go shooting your mouth off about shit you know nothing about.