#yeah emotionally im not okay
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sonic having to deal with tails bottling up his emotions has gotta be one of my favorite things to write
#tails after a traumatic event: yeah no im totally okay. we dont gotta talk about anything i am perfectly fine#sonic: ah. so this is what consequences are#turns out an emotionally reserved 11yo is not the best at raising a 4yo. who would've guessed#sonic you did your best but your bad habits did in fact pass on to the next generation#sonic#sonic the hedgehog#miles tails prower#sth#tails the fox#unbreakable bond#sonic and tails
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#the rings of power#bear mccreary#The last ballad of Damrod#Okay slightly critical ignore my tags if vibing#I just really don't enjoy those types of vocals 😭#The music is epic as always and I expect nothing less from Bear he always delivers and more#But yeah those vocals imo would sound very out of place in the show#However people are suggesting it could be played over credits#Which would be badass#So yeah I knew when I heard the description for this track it wasn't gonna be my fave#But Im so excited to hear the rest of the soundtrack#And be emotionally destroyed
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me: waiting for shoe(s) to drop
Personified Alan Becker YouTube Icon: oh... buddy...
#me reassuring myself like#it's okay. look see? they can speedrun the genuine apology process too. see? yeah i know#i know#--/ art#L1_CAT#subpixels#alan becker#green influencer arc#ava influencer arc#(OHMYGO D BRIAN MADE IT??????? NO WONDER IT'S GLORIOUS?!?!?!?)#i don't think there will be- well no. that's a lie there will totally be more great works with these specific themes in the future . . .#because there will probably be these specific problems in the future. but W0w does it hit now.#not that long ago i know i was dealing with angst online. and that just. permeates everything. for *months*#what a shot to the heart !!! new weakness unlocked ! ! ! !#/pos ... yeah no it's. you know what i mean#ghhhhghh the imperfect files feeling defensive about not being included hhhhhhhhhhhhhh kindness to snarling creatures hhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!#gonna need to rewatch this a few more times. at Least. hooh#ps: i have a vivid memory of reading a fic on ao3 that emotionally compromised me and i saw in the notes that the author said...#''[please trust me. i know what im doing c: ]'' or something that that's what they meant. it was either a doctor who or a good omens one.#and i did trust them. and the story continued being amazing. and they didn't let me drown in that space i found myself in.#i feel responsible for not letting myself get too far underwater like that- and i have succeeded.#and i also trusted Them (scriptors directors animators etc etc etc). and i am. safe#it feels like there was a wound here i forgot about that is only now beginning to heal. . . ... . . . . . .#i think ill be 100% ready to laugh about it in like. a year. for now we roll catharsis gang#a year is maybe too long. you know what i mean. arbitrary time unit. laundry minutes.
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resignation letter is the most potent painkiller. i love you resignation letter i love you one month notice <3
#tmi but im regular again and literally the only change is because i've been eating enough to shit daily#i was in such a bad headspace these past few months that i could barely bring myself to eat#i'd go to sleep with my work uniform still on and wake up willing myself to get up for 30 mins and then brushing my teeth and going to work#with the same clothes i slept in#i stopped hanging out with my friends. i had nightmares abt my job.#i can only take care of myself on my days' off and i cant grok anything other than shallow entertainment like wrestling#everything else is too much for my brain to handle. i'd simply forget everything i read or play or even listen to#those three months are miserable lmao#its not just my job... its also the family issues i've been dealing with#yknow remember when i said i could have died? yeah that shit was real. fuckin love it when my mom admit my dad have the capacity to be a#family annihilator. but... since my dad have a job to keep him busy and we moved to a house where me and my sister and#my mom and dad get to have our own rooms... and my dad get to live near his old friends and family...#things have been getting better. usually we had a physical fight every two months but it hasnt happened yet and i seem to get on with him#better now. so... i guess im gonna be okay. i've been so tired and trapped#stuck between two places that are both physically and emotionally draining with no reprieve#things are changing. and i find that to be comforting despite how up in the air the future might be. i might be screwed but also? what if#i'll be fine? im at a point where im accepting any drastic changes even if its for the worse#funny how i used to like my job a lot. i guess im not to be comfortable with anything long term#posts about my life
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Wild that anytime I post an update a lot of people read it and are even excited about it and have their own thoughts and reactions to it that I'll never know.
Comments are only the very tip of the iceberg with it. And I am Very grateful to commenters for letting me in on it. But in the same way that I'll be excited with my friends when a fic we love updates, it's likely that Other people enthuse with Their friends when my fic updates. And it's just so strange. An experience I'll never have access to.
Everyone's relationship with my fic is unique. So many different people with so many different circumstances and preferences... and the number of people that have told me that my fic is one of their favorites, some even saying it's their Favorite favorite... every single one of them have their own relationship with my writing.
It's just interesting to me. I think and think and think on my writing. I have my plans for basically the entire fic, the way I want it to end already thought out, all the major plot beats and the relationship progressions, All of that thought out. I love my writing so very much, but I'm on the inside looking out. This is my mechanical horse, and I'm in here laying out the groundwork and pulling levers and constructing limbs, puttering away making the horse move. Forever and always, my relationship with it will be more intimate than anyone's, and yet more clinical. Because I know it better than the back of my own hand, but I'll never have the experience of reading it fresh. Of reading it without knowing everything that's going to happen from now to the end and beyond. I won't have the thrill of the plot twists I have planned, the delight at seeing things progress, the horror at seeing things go wrong...
This is my mechanical horse, and I'm making it move.
I just always wonder what it must be like to see it from the outside. I hope to others that it's a pretty horse.
#speculation nation#itnl shit#didnt mean to write this much about the concept but i really am so...#jealous almost. id love to be able to read my fic as a reader.#because it's tailor made to my tastes Exactly.#and i know it's good writing. i surprise myself even sometimes with how good things end up.#it's never a doubt in my mind that i'll make things good. even the harder things . while bringing trepitation . i know i'll figure them out.#the relationship a fic writer has with their own fic is so... yeah. intimate. but still somehow emotionally removed.#but thats how it goes with any art piece i think#the creator sees all the bits and pieces that went into it. remembers the thoughts as they made it#they know their work better than Anyone Else. but they'll never be able to experience it like an outsider.#is my fic helping someone through a rough breakup? is it something someone rereads when theyre sad?#is it a fic that people stay up way too late reading? the fic that someone discovers and consumes all within a day?#that voracious love. ive experienced it many times with other fics. but i can never experience it with my own.#but in the end. that's okay. i will just continue to do as i wish with it. and maybe people will continue to like it.#it is my goal to make a fic that people will never forget. what that may mean differs depending on the person.#i want it to be the best fic it can be. and i will make it so with every brick i lay down.#puttering about for days and weeks and months. it's Most of what i think about. it's my impact on the world.#and it's sitting for 3 hours after work in the storage room writing until im shivering but Satisfied with a productive writing session#it's writing some of my most emotional scenes while sitting for an hour on the toilet#no one else knows what the toilet written scenes are. but I Do. such is my relationship with my fic.#(the focus in the Quiet Rooms cannot be underestimated. the bathroom is indeed one of the Quiet Rooms lol)#& man. ive rambled so much now. but i just love my fic so very much#i'll never be an ITNL reader. and that's okay. because i'm its writer. & that's a status that No One Else can boast.#even those people who state that it's their Favorite favorite cant rival the intimacy of my own relationship with it.#I Am Its Writer and that means so very much to me.#i... really do love my fic y'all
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The best feeling in the world is when there’s a piece of media you know you love and you’ve hyped it up as your favorite thing for so long but you haven’t revisited it in a while so you start to worry if it’s really as good as you make it out to be and so you go back and revisit it and it’s like. Oh this is even better than I remembered this shit rules
#the klock keeps ticking#i always get this feeling when i play 999 but tonight i got it with the letter#cuz ive uh finally decided to bite the bullet and play the evil meanie route where everyone dies 😟#a route ive put off for so long cuz its just too damn sad to think about akjdksk god it hurts#and ive played like for the most part every route of this game EXCEPT this one but i know the ending is really dark and i need to see it#plus i will at least get my beloved torture scene in so thats nice#i didnt kill off isabella though its a coma route which i hope still allows me to get the ending i want cuz i mean shell still be out of#commission in the final scene so hopefully it works out#but yeah no i started off tonight on the marianne chapter and while i did skip around through it cuz ive played it many times and i just#wanna get to the important stuff already alskj i also just replayed some of the best parts#aka the shit where lorraine appears and the gay shit alksks and god like hnnnghh not only does this chapter still ruin me emotionally#i also just remembered why i love this character so much and remembered just how good the character writing in this game is#and i also played into the rebecca chapter and didnt skip as much cuz i actually am not as familiar with the coma route#cuz it makes me sad and i never revisited it lol and i havent gotten to The Scene that makes me sob yet#its so coming though dont worry but idk i guess its just been cuz ive been thinking about p3 so much lately#and in particular shinji both the death route and coma route but in particular the coma cuz thats what im writing#and damn lol the letter just writes the grief and nuanced relationships and death stuff so much better lol god#like marianne loses her childhood best friend whom she has a gay ass relationship with to suicide and like its just better#she blames herself and still isnt even kinda okay with it after 13 years#like it just fucking ruined her and the only thing keeping her from losing it is her repression and drinking problem and unattached sex#and then with coma route well fucking first off isabellas friends actually like. visit her frequently damn#and they just all have such unique ways of coping like Zach is being optimistic so no one gets too upset#rebecca is sorta in charge of making sure everything goes smoothly she has to contact the family and make big decisions#and shes also just taking the most stress and shes got so many complicated feelings around isabella going on but she genuinely cannot stand#that isabella is hurt shes fucking destroyed she loves isabella and then ashton AAAAA god yeah i also just remembered that hes SUCH a good#character hes like being a genuine asshole right like Rebecca calls to tell him that isabella is comatose now and he literally doesnt let#her say anything he literally says ‘i dont have time for other things rn’ like the wellness of his friend is just ‘other things’#but you just know thats not it not at all hes burying himself in work to the point of destruction so he can figure out who did this and make#everything okay and he refuses to show even an ounce of vulnerability cuz THE SECOND HE DOES IT ALL COMES OUT AND HE CANT GET OUT OF BED#ANYMORE CUZ HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE OKAY WHEN THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE IS DYING
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I have had a VERY busy week (positive but very very socially draining) and I am ABOUT to have a few days of work and then ANOTHER very busy week (work, 2 different appointments and a job interview) and I just wanna take a moment and remind myself that I may take longer to do things than average but im still DOING them and it's. Okay to still feel tired several days after making a phonecall
#idk im having a lil moment of clarity/calm in the middle of.#what feels like a storm of there Always Being Something that i need to do#and thats never gonna go away but its okay to take a breather here and there to help me keep pushing at it#feeling very positive today bc i got offered an interview for a youth councillor role locally#the main problem with it is its 20 hours a week and a 6 month contract. so i cant leave my current job for it#BUT it would allow me to reduce my hours a bit doing something hopefully less emotionally intense#the coffee shop below us ia recruiting again too which. isnt the best look tbh but i think if im doing two jobs id rather#have one there bc like. ive done fast food#i know i can handle it at its worst for at least a while and the bougie coffee place isnt likely to hit those peaks#so yeah! lots of stuff going on lots to do#definitely not talking to friends as much as i should be#but heres kind of why i guess and currently at least im. feelin pretty good!#we also made it through last month without asking for help#which. is huge but being undercut a little by me spending more than i intended and being mega nervous abt it#not sure how this month is gonna go. but. baby steps.
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I'm so emotionally exhausted
#being highly empathetic is so romanticized but it actually sucks so much#not just for me btw. like for everyone around me too#im great at supporting people short term but anytime you need me to reliably be there i just cant#because i feel so strongly anytime im around other people experiencing strong emotions that i burn through my emotional battery#in a matter of minutes#its also almost definitely a result of my trauma. so yeah definitely over-hyped#PLUS i hate being that person thats like 'sorry YOUR emotions are too painful for ME' like wtf#makes me sound like an ass#i think it cam definitely be phrased better while still saying the same thing (like 'sorry i dont really have the energy now. is that okay?)#but it still sucks. i want to be there for people. i dont know what to do with all these emotions that arent mine#like theres always 'work through the trauma' but how?? im emotionally exhausted!#plus i dont actually see any way to reassure what im scared about cause its not like a fear of being punished triggered by others emotions#its like. I was exposed to this thing a lot as a kid and now my brain responds to it really strongly#the thing itself wouldnt have been wrong in a different context but i was a child and couldnt process the things that i experienced#and i still dont know how to
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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"please tell my kids they're siblings one day"
"okay" *apollo goes to khura'in and becomes the minister of justice there* *phoenix's eyes snap open* "i forgo r"
#hahaokay now to my replay of dual destinies#did not remember apollo in his angst outfit so early on so i got surprised. he's... such a loser. affectionate but not without some scorn#actually maybe it's better they don't know about their siblingship because trucy would've watched another family member leave again :')#she's so emotionally constipated like yeah im okay! im barely a teenager and im being abandoned left and right but im okay#my dad didnt love me enough to take me with him but that's ok!#trucy is simultaneously the most put together and devastating teenager. she doesn't need to talk about it. she needs people to stay.#kel omori moment everything is fine#anyways do you think klavier saw apollos angst fit#herr forehead why are you dressed like those japanese cartoons#and then he gets genuinely concerned because he doesn't react to the teasing normally. he doesn't shout. his face doesn't scrunch up#and now he realises apollo has left wright and co and is on his own. he doesn't tell anyone anything because apparently#every defense lawyer in his vicinity is incapable of leaning on other people#athena: i recommend a therapy session stat#txt#ace attorney
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i’m so normal about aiku haha
#suki rambles#rereading bllk for the third time and i’m still screaming over everything but now is the only time i reread it where my loyalties swayed#i was always a sae girly like... he just hits diff and he’s the prettiest UGH (chigiri is the prettiest but shhh)#BUT AIKU HELLO?!?! HE’S SO FINE AND WHAT FOR#and are we not gonna talk about that panel where he effortlessly tackled shidou and pinned him face down... yeah... THAT panel#ong that was such an iconic intro of him and he looks so scruffy and scrumpty and i wANT TO LICK HIM whoa what?#HIS BICEPS TOO OMG but mostly his face. i want to kiss him so bad 😭 i want to give him gifts and sniff him he smells expensive or like#leather i just know it#he also looks like someone’s baby daddy... it’s me i’m someone#when he said nothing gets past him and he’d be like the cop in the field ooh yeah OFFICER ARREST ME CUFF ME#he’s like soccer aizawa and my eye twitches every time i see him bcos i love aizawa too UGHHH AIKU OLIVER THE MAN YOU ARE#he’s so emotionally unavailable n that’s exactly my type. he’d leave me on delivered for hours and reply only after midnight then say#‘sorry baby haha was just busy’ he’d be so cold and nonchalant thru text but so cocky and smooth in person 😞 oh i’m in pain#he’s gonna break my heart and i’d let him! also the type of guy who doesn’t bring flowers in a date but would buy you one if u asked#then says its not that big of a deal when you go heart eyes at him... only ever wants casual shit n then avoids u when you start falling 😔#also his thighs too. damn. DAMN. looking respectfully sir i am in love with you please take all that i have 🙏🏻#karasu is my new crush too HES JUST SOOOOOO okay i love them IM SCREAMING#gnawing at the iron bars of my enclosure when my dark haired red flag soccer men come on screen#idk should i open requests for bllk i wanna write them for funsies 😞
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i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking tired i'm so fucking
#tired#uhhhhggggg#emotionally. physically. mentally. spiritually#just so tired 😫#and im pride month too??? what homophobia!!!#its mostly because i have covid but al because im so fucking lonely#and still feel like a guest here despite living here for 5 years now#i still feel transient#and i am honestly scared my mum will one day just give me an ultimatum#and make me homeless#okay listening the the sad girl autumn version of all too well certainly isnt helping 😅#but yeah#im so fucking tired#and bored too#because i dont have the energy to do muck more than scroll endlessly#or idk watch a show#but i finished bridgerton so i feel adrift#i cnat even gather the energy to play sims#because i have to play on the desktop and sit straight#because my laptop is still fucking broken#i hate it here#katy liveblogs life
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dreamt about reuniting with my friend on the 5th anniversary of the last time we talked. hm. not a big dream interpreter but I feel like it might mean something
#wrote her a text it's in the send box. i feel sick. being vulnerable with someone with whom you dont know where you stand is agonizing tbh!#conjuring my therapist's voice while i white-knuckle my phone ''there is strength in vulnerability it's the first step to#a richer emotional landscape''#okay ELISA but the emotional landscape is too rich it's overflowing with riches!! in fact. it could stand to be poorer#realistically worst case scenario she answers yeah i fucking hate your guts for the way being in love with me made you a terrible friends#best case scenario she goes omg nooo i thought YOU hated me all this time im so happy 2 hear from u i miss you exactly as much as u miss me#most probable scenario though is just. mild response.#oh hi it's been a while! idk why we stopped talking either. my life is very different now and we dont have much in common anymore. xoxo#i sent the text im gnna frow up . i hauve covid from being 2 open emotionally remind me to never do that again
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just a heads up if you think you’re prepared for the last episode no you’re not
#dts s5#dts#drive to survive#daniel ricciardo#charles leclerc #f1#the beginning with sharl hurt#but it got better thankfully#but the ending with Daniel actually killed me#I NEED YALL TO STOP WITH THE HE MIGHT NOT COME BACK AT ALL OKAY#HES COMING BACK BC IF HE DOESNT THEN IM FUCKING LEAVING#listen I am here for sharl to be wdc ‘23 mainly and to impatiently wait for Danny to come back next year#he’s coming back he is please 😭#joey rambles#anyways so uh I’m gonna watch the pilot to see my baby happy again and then try not to drown in a puddle of my own tears#good plan I think#I need to watch mick’s episode but I might have to wait until Sunday bc I feel carved out rn emotionally#watching the first ep is probs gonna make it worse when I know where it’s standing right now but yeah no I love pain apparently
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doctor who spoilers below
i am going INSANE mr russel t davies you cant just use the exact same plot device as 15 years ago literally beat for beat 'the one adventure i can never have' BRO YOU'RE HAVING IT TWICE AT THE SAME TIME why are there canonically three separate versions of david tennant running around at various points in the doctor who universe(s) what is HAPPENING here
#dw spoilers#doctor who spoilers#okay im gonna talk more so dont read tags if you dont want more spoilers#im mad im ngl#i've always felt like tentoo was too tidy of an ending for rose and my thoughts dont change when you apply it to donna#its taken years for the tentoo ending to grow on me#and it HAS#but still. again???#THE SAME PLOT DEVICE?? AGAIN??#but also ncuti was stellar v hype to see him at christmas#episode was good i had a good time#but yeah im not a fan of the ending sorry#also no martha :(#life stuff#oh also just saw someone say it felt emotionally stunted and i have to agree massively#as much as i want all the characters to hang out and have a good time forever its essential to dw that they CANT do that#its a show about change so why are we so scared of CHANGING
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one day im gonna be able to talk about his tour and what its doing to me emotionally but that day is not today lmao im a wreck just looking at pictures
#one day im gonna sit down and watch all the videos look at all the content but rn itd be so overwhelming emotionally its dumb af but yeah#this man and his art mean so much to me. have meant so much to me for such a long time now#not being able to see him live while hes touring is just. such a shit feeling lmao but its okay#idk i just. feel so much when i see him#esp on those gigantic stages#anyways !
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