#y'all mind if i have an identity crisis

[starsisstars]

Pointless ISAT Headcanons

Hi I have to get up for opening shift tomorrow but who CARES it's time for headcanons. Except not the normal or angsty ones, it's goofy ridiculous hours ONLY. (Please send me more goofy niche headcanons I want to consume silly details like candy.) Filled with spoilers despite the sillies.

Bonnie invents potato chips 10 years after the end of the game after many failed attempts to make Sif like potatoes (Sif LOVES their chips, so this is Bonnie's win in the end).

Immortality fiction is super popular in Vaugarde because they're witnesses to change over decades but are prevented from changing themselves. Tragic wisemen usually. This got way less popular post-King.

Teachers get paid good wages in Vaugarde because they help kids through the period of the most change in their lives.

I think it's so funny everyone in fanfic thinks Sif sleeps in trees. It's universal and y'know what? Sure. I'm adopting that. Y'all had me scrolling through dialogue for ages just to make sure I didn't miss any tree nap mentions.

Loop spent the majority of Sif's first run through Dormont and the House training their voice so that it wouldn't be a dead giveaway to their identity when Sif showed up. They wanted it to sound like Odile. It does not even a little bit.

Mira is RED. Bonnie is ORANGE/YELLOW/BLUE. Odile is PURPLE. Isa is GREEN/BROWN. Sif and Loop are MONOCHROME.

Mira has a notebook FILLED with edgy poetry from when she was small. She buried it somewhere but knows exactly where it is and once every couple years digs it up just to make sure nobody found it.

Bon is a reptile person. Wants a bearded dragon as a pet.

Mwudu is Acadia (in the same way Vaugarde is France, etc.). Not a colony of Vaugarde or anything though, just a lot of cultural exchange. (Vaugarde is NOT imperialistic.)

Post-canon Sif sometimes has such a tight grip on Isa in his sleep that Isa can get up and walk around with them still latched onto him. One morning Isa even brushed his teeth and styled his hair before the Sif on his back woke up.

Nille is swole af. Taller than Odile too. I like it when people give her a braid.

I changed my mind; everyone has really ugly colors because they can't see them and they all look terrible. I do not care about the practicalities of more colorful dyes being difficult to obtain; this is fantasy logic and I say they all should cause eyestrain.

Sif's all-black look under the cloak and hat (both of which he didn't choose) is the only good fashion choice they're capable of making. If you ask them to get creative it's a disaster. Isa indulges this anyways because hell yeah fashion disaster rights, but Sif will inevitably ask for help once he actually sees the design in person.

Isa was a hardcore STEM person, while Odile was properly studying anthropology/writing but is actually SUPER into linguistics.

Fishermen from the Forgotten Country were given additional pathways to easy fishing crabs on Vaugarde's shore because Vaugarde didn't want 'em. The overfishing caused a minor ecological crisis that was then fixed by Wish Craft.

Pre-canon Sif tried to make some money via an eating competition in one of the unnamed countries but was so uncomfortable with the attention from winning first place they refused to ever step foot in the country again. They don't even remember why they refuse to visit anymore but still don't wanna go. It wasn't even that big a contest nor a big deal emotionally long-term (like the party would suspect) for Sif, they're just stubborn.

Since we have a classic RPG setup I think the party's inventory is not limited by logic and they carry around 78 tents and 23 cottages somehow.

[officially-other]

Update; an explanation for the next post being a new intro + bit of an AMA

I didn't realize when I made a 'rule' for myself about this blog, but I did. I don't think I ever post about my experiences anymore. It wasn't a conscious decision, it was just defending the status quo- sooooo I'm ending that because I'm sick of it. Have a wall of text!

TL;DR: A new kintype resulted in the realization that "oh shit, there's more than just me in my head." Turns out I'm plural. the AMA is simply because we're new and, save for me (Frog,) have a really fuzzy sense of identity. We're trying journaling to help but so far all the others are just... sort of as in the dark as I am.

This blog was made to be a sort of "interactive journal," and yet because I found comfort in the memes and sillyness that made me feel normal it became about that. I only posted about my Alterhumanity, and typically only in the form of memes. So!

Hi. Y'all haven't seen me in a while. A lot's been going on! I recently had two pretty major identity crisis /j breakthroughs. For one, I am fictionkin. I started a little sideblog ( @vines-of-mine ) for that and got to work on paying attention to that part of my identity as Alhaitham. (Yes, Alhaitham. Yes, from Genshin Impact.)

This, however, led me to something else. Suddenly I had way more ability to just decide to do something and do it without executive dysfunction kicking my ass. Different ways of speaking felt more natural. I felt like I'd been plonked into someone's life, looked around, went "damn you live like this?" and got to work. Within two days my room was clean, my altar had been taken care of finally, etc. I chalked it up to just... "Oh, well of course! It's a mental shift, and I can embrace my more serious side when there's no expectations for how I talk."

Ultimately, it was the "Damn, you live like this?" feeling, like I was an outsider in my own life, that made me question things. As often happens with me, the moment I opened myself up to the idea that I was plural, I opened a floodgate. I am fictionkin; I do believe I have a past life in a world that somehow, in some way, made its way into our world as fiction. There is just also... another Alhaitham hanging around in my head, who instead of having an identity with "also is Alhaitham" built into it, just fully is exactly as I/we were in that life. There's others, now, too. They've been here much longer. Alhaitham is just the one who got plonked in here recently and therefore interrupted the status quo enough for me to go "hey, wait, what the fuck was that?"

So now I'm here doing the spiderman meme with another Alhaitham, in my own head, while a witch and an enderman share popcorn in the background.

Now at least so much makes more sense. The way my tail phantom shifts were often more like an enderfolk tail than a dragon tail. The goddamn ears that weren't dragon ears, were more like cat or canine ears, but I couldn't figure out what that was about. The way my inner dialogue really is a dialogue sometimes, not a monologue. Etc. Etc.

I'll be posting a new intro, but!! I wanted to mention that questions are not only allowed but encouraged and appreciated :D If anyone wants to know more feel free to spam my inbox, I don't mind. We're all new to this and sometimes being asked questions helps us actually realize the answer. Beyond that, really, I just wanted to start posting more about my own experiences and this is sort of necessary context for all of it.

[imliterallyjustablackgirl]

Please, let not this convo take us away from real things - My favorites ships

I must admit I am so confused about this discourse overall, but I think I understood both sides, I think. The Bear is quite recent, TVD not so much. The Bear just started, there's YET to see what's in stock and I am SO excited to share my thoughts here and see y'all thoughts as well. TVD has been a thing - it has books- it is a fantasy world - it is built with the idea that anything can happen and creature of the night. The Bear is about finedining world - Carmy, Syd, his family, the Bear family,etc. Bonnie was the only black female AT ALL(everyone else were getting offed). Syd is the only black female, we actively see. So, the comment about hating Marcus doesn't work, because there are other black people in the show. Not in TVD. No negros were in Paris, they were all dead and buried. I am genuinely so confused. Both identities will impact their interaction with the world - the real and their characters. You are telling me Sydney, our Sydney wasn't impact by all the yelling the restau- industry. Being yelled by men, Being yelled by white men. Who aren't Carmy. Who didn't apologize. The expectation of more from black characters and for them to just be thankful to be there is another thing I won't touch- but like I want more for Syd than to be just another Bonnie Bennett or another Abbie Mills because Carmy has already failed our girl. Imagine you get to work, asked to take on a new role, trusted to do so just to be yelled at by Richie, who is having a mid fucking 40's crisis, rambling about system. Be for real. I'll only speak on this once, because quite frankly I'm still confused on were to start or stop. I am a black viewer. A black female viewer. When I saw Carmy yell at Syd about her mistake, it brought me back to TVD's where Bonnie wasn't allowed to make mistakes. Because being yelled at as a black person and mostly as a black woman with the ANGRY black woman stereotype in the air- is different if let's say if Elena was yelled at or humor me- Claire would have been yelled at. I knew when Carmy asked her ''Chef we good'' that sis was in fact NOT GOOD. In the real world, it happens. You do not want to be the angry black woman who yells back. Like, an example that comes to mind it's like comments critizing Syd about her mistake with the ticket machine ( which post that follows will be about this). Sydcarmy is so good because it is so close to friends to lovers. Bamon is literally so hot because it's enemy to lovers. More like enemies -friends then lovers. We have convo about the ship being canon so much, I just cannot grasp that there would be a convo about another ship were shippers were gaslit, called slurs and what not. That wouldn't some Sydcarmies go- damn, it has happened already, let's not like reproduce that. Let's not foster that here because it has already started like most Bear fans on Reddits are racists. Idk if some of you get my point. Sydney has the opportunity to have depth because it is given to her. To the point where Ayo even has the opportunity to direct some episodes. (mad excitinnnnng!) Bonnie is a witch, from a powerful coven. She was used a plot device to kill and torture. A literal pocket witch. The equivalent of a human lighter. When the actress who worked and is a singer-dancer and literal artist asked to sing in the show she was refused. Both white actors could, only one of them was a singer - he hadn't even in the show for 5 years and the actress wasn't a singer (correct me if wrong).

Fantasy can be changed, like racism..didn't have to exist in the show or to be a thing, right. Julie Plec made it a thing, she was avoidant of literally talking about slaves, which Bonnie's witch ancestors were.It would have been a wonderful opportunity to explore the depth of things such as voodo or hoodo in that case-. Like Bonnie Bennett, was robbed of true potential.

I don't want that to happen, knowing that racism IS a real thing, the Bear IS in a form of real world ( despite me loving all the time-space talk of @unladyboss) and AYO is a real person so is KAT. I like to share my thoughts here and I like to hear from you guys as well, I refuse to think that some of you will keep it surface level because it is the same thing we reproach other platforms and use to explain why we ran here.

[daemon-in-my-head]

OC profile: Ellifain

Got tagged by @wafflerageface (ty 💕), @sakurainhellagain @asteriasfallingstarsandtears @kawareo have fun if y'all want, or those that want to do this feel tagged rn

Basics

Full name: Yeah, about that, do you want the alias, the name he went with mainly or the true name? I might've gone overboard here. Ellifain is an alias he uses cuz reasons, the name he's registered as a citizen with and the one his family gave him would be Fionnlagh Starym, there's a whole ass backstory about his name, why he isn't using it, if he ever uses it again etc but too much for here. Feel free to ask though. Oh but, Gortash kinda knows his name? Listen y'all it's complicated. I like it when they suffer.

Gender: Male but is too busy having an identity crisis to care for it

Sexuality: aspec

Pronouns: he/him/they, doesn't really care for the same reason as above though

Other

Father: biological; Bhaal, adopted; Anfalen Starym

Mother: biological; Bhaal(?), adopted; Saelihn Starym

Siblings: biological; Sarevok Anchev, adopted; Elanil Starym. Orin is just a niece, she's not Bhaals kid (though he does treat her like a sister)

Birthplace: praise the vague canon, I suppose he was created in Gehenna before Bhaal dropped him like a hot stone in the Gate

Job: Cult leader

Phobias: being viewed as Faithless or False, the cold

Guilty Pleasures: 'artistic' worship, dancing, sitting in the sun like a lizard, playing with Cadis

Alignment: neutral evil with chaotic tendencies

Sins: vivisections, murder, extortion, blackmail, skipping the fine prints, skipping work, arrogance, do you need the whole list or does this suffice?

Virtues: protectiveness (he's really not a good guy)

This or That

Introvert/Extrovert: Extroverted introvert(?), prefers to keep to himself or his small group of people he does not hate, but can be charming and extroverted in a rather manipulative fashion if duties require

Organized/Disorganized: Organized, not thanks to Scels help

Close-Minded/Open-Minded: Very open-minded, for better or worse. Please stop eating people that's not a balanced diet.

Calm/Anxious/Restless: Restless, can't sit still for 5 minutes. Needs to fiddle with something if he's not occupied

Disagreeable/Agreeable/In-Between: In-Between, will hear you out but if he considers your idea to be foolish he will call you out and become incredibly stubborn about it

Cautious/Reckless: Reckless. Does not give a damn as long as only he's involved, if others could be put into unfortunate situations however he'll reconsider and be somewhat careful. If he likes them that is

Patient/Impatient/In between: Patient, he'll get what he wants eventually, one way or another

Outspoken/Reserved/In between: Reserved, he will not talk or say more than he has to in order to convey his point. Local tyrants hate this trick.

Leader/Follower/Flexible: Flexible but prefers to lead

Empathetic/Unempethic/In between: In between, tries his best to be empathic but some things he simply can't comprehend or refuses to cuz of his own past

Traditional/Modern/In between: In between, mainly traditional but isn't afraid of introducing new things to the cult or his life

Hard working/Lazy: Hard working, solely cuz he avoids sleep and can't sit still for 5 minutes. Lounging is his archenemy

Relationships

OTP: Gortash. Duh. Though things happened with a certain Drow in between

BrOTP: Astarion, platonic murder worsties, finally an elf that doesn't look at his appearance with disdain cuz they're the same in that regard. Lae'zel is cool too, they could share beautiful moments of identity crisis together

NOTP: Shadowheart, she's a constant painful reminder of the memories he's lost, oddly enough something he'd rather forget (his whole stick is running from uncomfortable truths lol) edit; also he has that whole Sehanine and moon bit going on so Shart thought he's a selunite, didn't go well for either of them lmao

[7grandmel]

Todays rip: 20/01/2024

Be Cool, Be Wild, and Be My Girl

Season 1 Featured on: GilvaSunner's Highest Quality Video Game Rips: Volume 6​.​66

Ripped by THiNGYBOBinc

Whew!! MAGFest days are finally over, and what a time it was - the SiIvaGunner Chipspace show was absolutely fantastic, and I hope it gets uploaded on its own soon so y'all can watch it as well! With that out of the way: the sappy times are over, Season 8 is ready to rev up and go at any moment, and the blog must go on. So, given that I spent all of yesterday talking about the Nostalgia Critic takeover with Fragile Snowman (Remastered), I figured it'd be fitting to return to the Season that said nostalgia was directed to - and an all-time favorite memory I have of watching the channel at that time.

I've pointed it out a good number of times by now, including once again in yesterday's post, but one of the things that really did make Season 1 so unique was how spontaneous and unpredictable it felt. The main reason was of course that we lacked much of any expectations in general, but the channel back in Season 1 also didn't exactly have much in the way of large-scale projects planned ahead like the Christmas Comeback Crisis, or the various Festival events that debuted in Season 4 Episode 2 onward. If you caught the SiIvaGunner panel at MAGFest this year, or have followed anything regarding rips like the Shop Fusion Collab or projects like CCC Episode 11, you'll know just how large and coordinated these projects have become. As Chaze explained back in MAGFest 2019: SiIvaGunner Presents - High Quality Ripping, meanwhile, back in Season 1 they would occasionally just completely abandon whatever event they seemed to be teasing just to fuck with the audience and subvert their expectations.

Subverting our expectations was the initial pitch for the SiIvaGunner channel as a whole, but by the time Be Cool, Be Wild, and Be My Girl was uploaded halfway through Season 1, it really did feel like we'd gotten better at seeing through the smoke and mirrors - we knew that all rips would show their cards eventually and then cue for laughter from us as viewers. Keep in mind: this was also just a week shy from the start of The Reboot, at at time when the idea of the channel having lore or that it would progress much further, was really just conspiracy talk. And indeed, Be Cool, Be Wild, and Be My Girl shows its hand quite early - just 10 seconds into the rip, as the song properly "begins", it becomes a pretty pretty standard, though befitting mashup, one you'd probably expect from just seeing the title. Joke revealed, cue laughter, add to playlist...

Then suddenly, the rip stops - and the facade is lifted. And I suppose it's time for me to start lifting the facade here too, perhaps?

Indeed, if you saw the title of today's post, opened the YouTube link in a new tab, and kept reading the post, you may have felt like you knew exactly what you'd be getting - a solid Season 1-era mashup of Be Cool, Be Wild and Be Groovy and the 2000s rock hit Are You Gonna Be My Girl by Jet. Yet before the mashup is able to go anywhere, the joke is interrupted, mockingly so, by Dr. Eggman, sentence-mixed to poke fun at you over thinking you'd gotten the joke of the rip down. This is no longer a bait-and-switch, but a DOUBLE bait-and-switch - presenting you with the switch for long enough to make you comfortable, then pulling the rug under THAT immediately. And, like - I don't think I can overstate how absolutely baffling that was to experience back in 2016?? Though SiIvaGunner was indeed about subverting expectation, six months in it had still built itself an identity of what to expect from the channel - yet without any warning, here it felt as if the team was practically doing a prank on its own fans. Better yet, the prank only escalated from there, as Eggman voice clips are interspersed in the beats inbetween the song's vocals, before he's suddenly joined by voice clips from Big the Cat of all characters - this prank is on three levels of rug-pulling.

And indeed, I've kind of pulled a prank on you here as well - because the post you're reading is actually about TWO rips from Season 1. Earlier in the third paragraph, I was describing the first of these rips, the one linked in the Bandcamp embed here - uploaded two weeks before the events of The Reboot kicked into motion. Because of that, it plays on the mixed feelings the fanbase once had on using Snow Halation in rips, only to switch it with Are You Gonna Be My Girl: hence the name, Be Cool, Be Wild, and Be My Girl. As The Reboot came and went, however, and told its story specifically about how Snow Halation truly deserves its place on the channel, we'd see the upload of a second rip a few weeks later - pulling the inverse joke. It's possible, back then, that enough time had passed between the two rips to where people had forgotten about the original bait-and-switch, but what was once used as a way to make fun of Snow Halation's percieved mediocrity was now spun into an actual appreciation and celebration of the song!

I hope all of this information on the history of these two moderately-known 2016 rips in particular is at all comprehensible, but the point I wanted to convey is - this shit was REALLY cool to see happen live with both videos. With Be Cool, Be Wild and Be My Girl, it felt like one of the first big shake-ups to the channel's status quo we'd yet seen at that point, and sort of prepared us to never take anything in a rip at face value - then, with the second rip, it felt like a perfect testament to how much The Reboot truly had changed the perception on Snow Halation as a song. The switch to the song didn't feel like an annoyance, but like a rip we'd all now suddenly actually wanted to see - one that we welcomed with open arms. Be it due to rippers being inspired or just paying tribute to one another, these kinds of call-and-response rips are a lot more common on the channel than you may initially think, and are sometimes even made years apart. Be it Windows Wonga Wappa, Ripping Video Game Music​.​.​.​.​.​.​At Night (2020 Edition), or even just with remasters like Violet Snow Memories, it never stops being heartwarming to see rippers pay tribute to one another - or just continuing on from a joke they themselves started.

ALL SYSTEMS, FULL HALATION!!!

[protags-fic-blog]

hi!! omg I love how you write for the amnesia boys, fan content is so scarce. I was wondering if you had any hcs on what each of their “ideal type” or “ideal s/o” would be? aside from mc

this is such a brain rot topic for me, and I’m so happy I’ve got a request!! i've got a bit of second/third person switching but we are rolling with it bc I’m too sick to think hard about it

———

Amnesia Memories - Ideal S/O

Shin

such a sucker for childhood friends. chance raises by a lot if you're friends already

definitely likes people who don't judge, especially because of what happened with his dad and such

could go for either sensitive or rebellious people

enjoys being able to protect you every so often, but also wants someone who can hold their ground

probably in to ride or die type people, but he doesn't want them to change their entire philosophy based on what he wants

Toma

level headed people are people he naturally gravitates to because of his irrational side

loves being a protector, even for the smallest things. it's not that he would want someone weak, just that he wants someone who understands that he wants to keep you safe

likes people who take academics decently serious, or someone who likes to learn

the person he loves is his best friend. you guys do everything together, even if it's not an official date.

Kent

he's a little dogmatic, so he would probably like pragmatic people like ikki who see the world in a lens different than him.

he thinks book smarts are very cool but street smarts ultimately win him over (think taking the shortest route on a map vs taking all the hidden side roads to avoid traffic)

likes independent people. he can take care of himself, but when someone he likes can take care of themselves *well*, that makes a big difference

for him, opposites attract is actually true!! probably had a big mental crisis because it is shown that similarities are part of the basis of attraction, and you respond that the world works in mysterious ways

Ikki

'my hot witch wife' 'me doing whatever she wants'

loves people who set him straight. he wants someone who isn't a doormat

all of the guys love people who don't change to get them to like them, but ikki in particular loves it. he's not against change, but after seeing so many women change entire personalities to date him, he thinks that being stalwart and having a concrete identity is so hot of you

probably likes introverts too. to me, ikki seems like an introvert, so someone who enjoys a night in would be really nice. (i can explain more if y'all don't see ikki as an introvert)

Ukyo

loves quiet people. not people who don't speak, or can't speak their mind, but people who can enjoy silence

probably is drawn to other artists (writers, sketchers, painters, sculptors, etc) or people who can appreciate beauty

already a very worldly person, so he wants someone with similar life experience. doesn't mean they need to be world travelers, but people who have experienced and enjoyed other cultures, or someone who won't shy away from trying new things

if you're a fan of his and aren't shy about talking about his photography, he's head over heels. especially if you know what you're talking about

[kalisbaby]

Bruh I was legit over here LOSING my mind thinking about the "science" behind the creation of race. And how I got there was a trip, lemme tell ya. Like it started with:

thinking about how Xfinity keeps having outages and remembering how, even with that it's still better than AT&T;

then I wondered what would happen if someone would buy out AT&T, like would the service still suck;

which led into how I would be so glad for AT&T to be destroyed but if they were bought out it would most likely be by a bigger company that created a monopoly which I hate.

THAT in turn lead to the game Monopoly and the origins of it, which got me thinking about how Black people play games differently, ya know by our own rules and shit,

which reminded me of an episode of Black-ish where Junior's white girlfriend visited during family game night and they played Black Monopoly.

Which then reminded me of an episode where Rainbow had a racial identity crisis,

which THEN had me thinking about whether all bi- or mixed race people have racial identity crises but more specifically how half Black people sometimes, from some shit I be seeing at least, tend to deny their Black side while connecting more with their non-Black side.

THAT got me thinking about my grandmother's multiethnic identity and how she was proudly Black despite her ethnicity, and how even with my own multiracial/ethnic hereditary I, too, have never had an issue with declaring or connecting to my blackness but also, I don't look anything other than Black, plus ancestry and identity are different, right?

THEN THAT got me thinking about how one of my best friends has been having an identity issue because she's been denied place on her ethnic groups because of her blackness despite being Indo & Latino as well and how we once discussed that her genetics are what they are and she can't un-make herself and how denying people, or trying to at least, their heritage feels like "one drop" nonsense, if THAT makes sense.

And, believe it or not, THAT got me thinking about these people that think they can change their race by just meditating long enough and it can magically make them look like their fave K-Pop star or some shit.

Which FINALLY brought me to how the creation of race is so like dumb, because OF COURSE IT IS!!!, cuz things like monolids, while being common in many Asians, isn't particularly an Asian definer because like anyone can have them. Just like anyone can have big lips and large nostrils that would mark someone as "black", y'all get what I mean?

So yeah. I had to legit stop myself because my brain was fried trying to have a deep conversation with just myself lol.

[quaranmine]

🍉

🍉in what ways has writing helped you process trauma and/or navigate through your own life?

very interesting question! i feel like i don't go into writing fanfic with the idea of "i'm going to use this to process things from my real life" and then it just bonks me over the head anyway. like writing is a process where you just cut yourself open and bleed all over the page, and half the time i don't even really realize what i'm doing

i write about a lot of things indirectly. there's pieces of things hidden everywhere. i don't necessarily share the same traumas and experiences of the characters i write about but it's like, oh, if you hold it to the light at this specific angle, you'll see what i poured into it. not all my fics are like this, some are just ideas i had, but i'm a pretty introspective person who puts a lot of thought into things so a lot of my fics are like this

i have this one watcher!grian wip that's pretty self-indulgent. i hope that i'll post it one day, even if it's just a tiny piece, but it's one of those fics that just got away from me a little even though i love the writing i've done for it. anyway in the fic there's some very specific things that grian struggles with and it took looking at it THREE MONTHS LATER for me to suddenly realize that it was just a repackaged fantasy version of my main personal identity/social crisis i was going through then 😭 it was actually really funny to me i was like WOW i literally didnt even know what i was actually writing about when i made this but it was On My Mind i guess

there's also occasional references to my experiences with chronic illness/autoimmune disease in my fics. i've fortunately been in remission for several years now, so my current chronic illness experience is mostly just "abled adult without any symptoms or pain who is just permanently on medication and slightly immunocompromised." it affects my day to day life very little right now fortunately but the years when i was super sick were some of the worst of my life and are like. VERY core memories of my teenage years. anyway, there's a specific bit of HTBAHB where i draw on that some--specifically, grian's very mixed feelings about being a watcher and if he'd change it or not. with my autoimmune disease, if you gave me an opportunity to take it away or cure it i would accept in a heartbeat. but if you let me go back in time and prevent myself from ever having it? idk if i'd accept. as painful and traumatic as it was, it also very much shaped me how i am today, and the idea of extricating myself from that is strange. maybe the me of the past would have been happier, but she'd be a totally different person. anyway! other people probably have a different take on their traumas and experiences depending on what it was and its affects, so that was a very personal perspective there. additionally i have also incorporated some of this autoimmune disease experience into my listener!jimmy headcanons, but i haven't been able to complete and publish my wip that is About That

firewatch au is also just. extremely this. i'm very sorry but it's gonna be pretty devastatingly sad throughout and y'all just gotta let me have this because somewhere along the way it went from "interesting fun idea i had last year" into "something i Need to write" lsjdflsjfslf. i haven't grieved or lost anyone in the extreme way that grian has, but i think there's just. so many types of loss and grief in the world. lost friends and family (via death or otherwise), lost relationships with people you used to care about so much (and still might care about), lost opportunities and lost chances to have lived a different life or made different choices, the collective loss of living through the pandemic, the persistent environmental and climate grief that stalks my entire chosen career. there will be things that pop up in this story that are referenced from my real life, and things that pop up in the story that align with my own fears/anxieties.

anyway this is why writing is the most terrifying hobby ever i am like really out here every day doing this and then publishing it for strangers on the internet to read and hoping they don't read me too hard

fic writer asks

[x-neurotoxin-x]

I only have like 30 followers on this blog rn but was inspired by a system mutual and the idea was too funny to pass up. Putting up our systems top ten fronters this month and y'all decide who gets to rights /j

1. Sidney 🌹: Bitches 24/7, somehow got host rights. "Didn't ask to be here, i was fine with being a fragment."

2. Nikki ✨: hyperactive scene kid stuck in the 2010s. Too nice for her own good and I fear one day she'll snap and destroy us all /hj

3. Jax 🐍: Local cryptid that was dormant for 10 years and now is very confused.

4. Lee 🍴: resident cannibal /j that turned out to be a caretaker for some reason. Actually does his job.

5. (Erm... Not telling you his name) ✴: Gatekeeper that does not mind his own business, eats too much candy.

6. (Also not getting her name) 💝: Identity issues and gender crisis personified

7. Ember 🐉: pissed all the time, I think they're secretly a softie. Clowncore.

8. Jane 🐣: likes baby dolls and blankets, girlie needs a break. It's all fun and games until the psychosis hits.

9. (not getting this one's name either) 💀: spends 70% of fronting crying on the floor and having a mental breakdown, the other 30% is dedicated to thirsting over horror movie killers that'd torture them and being a cunt /affectionate.

10. Zack 🔗: Lives like he's surviving in the apocalypse, surprisingly responsible and resourceful. Doesn't like any of us but please front more.

[edgepunk]

To nobody's surprise, it's a symbiote!Peter AU because I am starving for more content with him and y'all know I'm an edgelord.

Anyway, during a fight with the Green Goblin, Peter is off his game due to lack of sleep. He gets beaten up pretty bad and is close to passing out. Norman takes his mask off and his deranged scientific fascination gets the better of him, taking Peter with him to Oscorp. Similarly to the first Venom movie, they've captured the symbiote and it killed every host they tried it on. So, Norman has the genius idea that they should try to make it bond with a superhuman.

So, for the next six months, Peter (and the symbiote) go through horrid experiments to the point that Peter’s mind blue screens and forgets who or what he is (symby tried reaching for his memories inside his mind but failed </3) Norman has another genius idea, he convinces Peter that he's a weapon made for killing and nothing else. He doesn't even tell him his name. Then, the experiments cause Peter and the symbiote to meld into one entity. He still looks the same, just...y'know...he's kinda deathly pale and can create black goo tendrils.

Cue the generic scene of a lab experiment going on a rampage and breaking out of the lab. Peter's only goal is to flee, get away from all the torture he was subjected to, so when he actually manages to escape, he doesn't know what to do next. But he needs to hide, so in the meantime he figures that he should just try to blend in. Until he runs into MJ who throws herself at him, crying about how much she missed him.

Peter is stunned, because he doesn't have any idea what is going on. MJ stares at him, and with the way he's looking at her, she realizes he doesn't know who she is. She convinces to go with him to their apartment, they have a long conversation, and Peter is trying to wrap his head around all this. MJ's goal is to help Peter restore his memories, and she cooks up a lie that they tell to May, Harry and the rest of their friends about how he got kidnapped and the kidnappers hit his head, so he has amnesia.

Um. This is getting long, so I'm gonna try to shorten it

Despite losing his memories, Peter has the urge to go outside and help people, but since he's been conditioned to use extreme violence, he kills a lot of criminals (which will be fun when he regains his memories and has to live with the fact he broke his "no killing" policy)

Actually, after regaining his memories, he's struggling with the whole "to kill or not kill" thing since he's practically an entirely different being, now. Cue mental breakdown and identity crisis.

But he really wants to kill Norman (so does the symbiote but like I said they're one being)

He didn't react well to Harry when he met him for the "first" time since he looks a lot like Norman. It took him a lot of time to warm up to him again.

MJ is at first fully determined to help Peter with his memories, but gets progressively more and more emotionally exhausted, and depressed. It's difficult for her to see how much Peter has changed and how he still thinks that his only purpose is to be a killing machine. The fact he doesn't remember all the moments they've spent together doesn't help her deteriorating mental state.

After regaining all of his memories and processing everything that had happened to him, Peter goes kinda....feral. He starts spiralling, which causes his symbiote powers to go haywire and he almost loses his sense of self. Thankfully, the power of love and friendship brings him back. He emerges a stronger person and has to come to terms with everything he's been subjected to.

He still wants to kill Norman, though. And he does during a big epic city-wide fight. But that strains his relationship with Harry that they've been slowly rebuilding.

* I've had this cooked up as a petermj thing, but I think it could work as parksborn too. You have the additional angst of Peter being resentful towards Harry because of Norman. Sure, he knows it's not Harry's fault, but he can't help himself.

can I talk about my cringe spider-man au idea is this a safe space

[roseinthelightofday]

Internal struggles vs external struggles

One thing I realized over this past year or so of accepting myself as trans is the fact that depression or sadness or things like that can have roots in things from within or from the outside. (Like golly gee Rose, duh, tell us something new) anywho, I find it so relieving that almost every problem I have with any bouts of sadness or anger or frustration are rooted in other things and not something within myself. This difference is so clear to me now that it really is sorta astounding. Before I accepted myself as trans, I had spiralling depression linked to identity crisis things. All that bah humbug stuff. It filled my mind with a fog that didn't let anything truly feel good. Every thought was overshadowed by a looming mountain in the background taking precedent on my mind. It was almost impossible to not have thoughts break in that pertained to it over anything else.

Contrast that with any bad or upsetting feelings/thoughts I have now are primarily only based off things that don't have to do with who I am internally. Ok, this is hard to word, because as a trans person, a lot of pain stems from how people treat trans people. Don't get me wrong, most of it has to still do with my identity, but it is so freeing that it is other people's actions and not my own self identity that is causing them.

I'm not sure I can convey this in a way that makes sense, I hope it does, but I am trying to say, despite all the crap I have to endure for all my otherness and differences from society, it is like a walk in the park compared to how gloomy internally sourced problems would make my life.

Does that make sense?

I also want to point out this is me telling my story, if you don't relate to what I am saying, I am not speaking for you... So, lighten up before you comment saying, "I don't feel like that"

Ok, Rose out. :) Hope y'all had a lovely day.

[buffonias]

smithsbea → chloenadines

[thisbrilliantsky]

the absolute surreality of my colonialism & redemption class taking a census-like survey and then coding it, and experiencing in real time, for the first time, how impossible it is to sort human beings into neat, uncomplicated categories

[coconutcordiale]

For your 500 followers celebration I'd love to request a ficlet with Hangman and the girl next door!! ❤❤

pairing- hangman x female!reader

warnings- none idt?? Jake baking? guys there's no smut, no allusion to smut, no angst this is literal fluff (nauseating fluff at that) i don't even know who i am anymore i'm having an identity crisis

length- 0.6k

an- @dempy & anon i hope it's okay i combined y'alls requests :) thank you both sm!!!

we have officially moved away from these fics resembling anything to do with top gun and basically just using jake seresin as a face for my own stupid rom com ish

i probably took the girl next door thing a little too literally but...whatever. also i grew up in suburban california (not lemoore) and we definitely had block parties but is that a thing anywhere else? (someone told me they'd never heard of them idk)

You’re pretty sure the boxes in Jake’s house are still packed since he’s been in Lemoore for all of three weeks, and yet the neighborhood already adores him. You want to find it in you to be irritated that they’ve taken to a single man living alone much faster than they did with you.

You bet Jake never gets any questions about why he’s bought a house before getting married.

Cue eye roll.

To further your annoyance, you’re just as taken with your next-door neighbor as everyone else. You just hope you’re better at hiding it than they are.

(You’re not. But in your defense, you're the only one that comes home to see him vying for neighbor of the year by raking the leaves in your front yard, still in his flight suit.)

As if the dads need to be any more on edge, as if the moms need to trip over their words more frequently around him, Jake brings a pie to the neighborhood block party.

An actual fucking peach pie, that he made from scratch and it’s his mother’s recipe isn’t that so darling?

You briefly wonder if there was any merit to your sixth grade teacher telling you your eyes might get stuck given the amount of time that you spend rolling them.

Jake, the ham that he is, takes it all in stride. Lets the moms, grandmas, and teenage girls fawn over him, lets them pull him all over the party. Spurs it on, really, leaning in so they can get the full effect of his charming smile.

It’d be nauseating if he wasn’t so damn charismatic.

It’s maybe a little embarrassing that you’re so observant of Jake that you can tell when he gets a little uncomfortable, when Mrs. Wilkins runs her hands a little too firmly up his arm, fingers playing with the hem of his shirt where it strains around his bicep.

You’d like to think that his grin is extra warm in your direction when you appear at his elbow, making excuses about how he’s wanted over by the grill.

You try not to laugh as you hand him a beer. “You looked like you needed a save.”

He nods, looking grateful. ��Thanks, darlin’.”

“Nice of you to agree to this.” You gesture to the tables of food and endless games of cornhole set up along your street. “They were pretty excited to have a welcome to the neighborhood get-together for you.”

“Walter just wanted an excuse to use his Big Green Egg, I’m sure.”

You snort. “Yeah, probably.”

Jake looks over your shoulder, panic curling in his tone. “Quick, kiss me!”

It’s a testament to what good friends you already are that you don’t even question it, instead leaning into the hand he gently places on your cheek and allowing yourself to be pulled into his hard chest.

His lips are surprisingly soft and you bite back a moan as his hand tangles in your hair. You're a little breathless as you pull back, trying not to let your mind spiral at the gossip storm you're certain you've just started.

“Where is she?”

“Where’s who?” He asks, widening those green eyes in feigned innocence.

“Whoever was coming over here? Was it Mrs. Wilkins again? She isn’t very subtle.”

He grins, eyes sparkling with trouble. “Nowhere, darlin’, just wanted you to kiss me.”

Your lips part in surprise, slapping him on the chest to reprimand him for that sneaky little trick.

“Better stay close though. I think Mrs. Wilkins might have it out for you now,” he continues, snaking an arm around your waist and tilting his sunglasses down so you can see him wink. “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.”

[koishua]

→ 𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝗴𝗮𝗶𝗻 • 𝗸𝘄𝗮𝗸 𝗷𝗶𝘀𝗲𝗼𝗸

synopsis. with no direction in life to take, gaon takes a stranger's hand. not as kwak jiseok, just gaon.

featuring gaon and an unnamed female character.

listen to blue by taeyong for a better reading experience.

length. 1.013k words

genre. angst, just a bunch of self reflection

warnings. identity crisis (?), a pinch of self deprecation

notes. this was written while i was in a... particular mood. nothing might even make sense i guess, so don't worry if the plot seems jumpy. it's not you, it's me just writing down my own thoughts and disguising them as the character's :') also don't be stupid and follow a stranger to a second location y'all oml. anyways, enjoy a very confusing narration bahaha the theme is a little wonky here im not sure if some will get it :')

taglist. @kdyism @yourlocalhotgf @jensrose @yyxy27 @woo-minhee02 @sunfics @neo-shitty @hotgirlsunoo @todorokiskitten @notcamila @xdh-fluff @changmin-wrlds @bigsobforskz @lovemrsloneliness @hello-yav @soobin-chois @squiishymeow @kurosism @blizzardfluffykpop @jaysbestie @gyuury @lee-known (click here to be added to my taglist!)

feedback/reblogs are highly appreciated </3 hope you enjoy!

kwak jiseok was confused.

standing under the protective cover of the small bus stop, shoulders heavy and heart bleeding, he had stayed unmoving for a long, long time. the soft pitter patter of the rain, nothing more than a light drizzle, had turned into a storm akin to the one in his mind. bruised and battered— that’s what jiseok was in his essence, the world was too harsh on his existence.

maybe it was the heavens having mercy on him that night, maybe not. nevertheless, he’d finally found a little piece of relief.

he’d found relief in the pounding cries of the sky above, in the senseless thunder and lightning, in the way the stranger who’d come running towards the same stop he’d been standing under had made him feel that night. she’d smiled at him, lashes dripping small droplets of water, some sliding down her forehead and splattering lightly on the ground. petrichor had risen in the air, a scent that eased his stuffy lungs.

“what’s your name?” she’d asked him that night. what was his name? kwak jiseok had lost all sense of himself that day, lost in the maze of his tiring, monotonous life. what was his name? he didn’t have a name, at least he didn’t believe he did. kwak jiseok wasn’t anyone special, nor was he important in any way to someone.

he didn’t have a name he could be remembered by. the rain continued to pelt on the glass roof above you and he answered, silent and solemn, “i don’t know.”

his hands felt cold, face numb and feet were tired, still you listened to him repeat himself, “i don’t know my name.”

he felt lost a lot these days, living in a mindless haze and existing to the bare minimum. nothing was as fun and lively as it had been before— living, for jiseok, felt harder to do with each passing day. his fingers would not strum the strings of his guitar that had gathered dust, his eyes would not open in the morning to go through yet another day of life, his bones weary despite his young age.

life was so lonely and difficult.

“for tonight, you can be gaon.” she’d given him a new name that night. while the streets of seoul were being drowned in the merciless flood of the storm, he felt as though he’d been given a warm embrace.

“are you going back home?” she’d asked him after a moment of silence, not even feeling the chill settle in her body. gaon racked his brain, unsure of what to do with himself. again he shrugged his shoulders, “i don’t know.”

then he saw a hand stretch towards him, palm facing the sky, “that’s okay. do you want to come with me? i’ll be running to mine, since i missed the last bus.”

why not? kwak jiseok had nothing to lose anymore with all of the yellows in his life being plucked out one by one, his canvas left with nothing but a deep and lonely blue. when a hand was there for him to take, why wouldn’t he? anything was enough to fill up the void, he was exhausted from constantly living in a state of nothingness.

the night, her lips, the color of the blood pumping through his heart— somehow everything had turned into that awful blue. jiseok missed his yellows and oranges, maybe tonight’s gaon would be able to find a sliver of warmth if he just took the stranger’s hand.

and so he did— gaon took her hand in his for kwak jiseok.

“it’s cold under the rain.” she’d warned him, finding an odd sense of comfort from the boy who supposedly didn’t even know his own name. gaon tightened his grip on her hand, assuring her that he didn’t mind, “let’s go wherever you take me to.”

the world felt quiet when the clouds in the sky poured all of their weight on the ground below; that’s what kwak jiseok came to discover that night while running under the pouring rain with her, dressed under a new name she’d given him, a nobody. it had all been overwhelming at first, droplets attacking his eyes that he’d barely been able to keep open while speeding through the darkness, only given light by the occasional street lamps. then came the relief.

all it took for kwak jiseok to feel a little bit alive again was a stranger who took him by his hand, stormy weather that washed away his tears of anger and emptiness, and then a complete and utter act of surrender. it was okay, finally okay that night— no more helplessness sinking him down, nothing. kwak jiseok learned to let everything go with the rain.

tomorrow was a day he hadn’t lived through yet, so maybe this time, it would be okay. someone took his hand tonight, so maybe another one would pull him back up if he ever sunk down again the next time. maybe living in blue wasn’t that difficult if he had another day to live, a hand to hold and pull himself back up. blue, how terrifying of a color it had become for kwak jiseok, maybe gaon would be able to embrace it for him from then on.

“what’s your name?” she’d asked him again, stopping in the middle of the road to stare into his eyes. jiseok mulled over the question for a second time that night, what’s my name? his clothes were sopping wet just like hers were, feeling countless droplets sliding under his jaw.

“my name is gaon.” for tonight, he’d stick with just that. kwak jiseok deserved to rest while gaon took her hand in his to continue their journey through the curtain of raindrops. tonight, gaon would shoulder the blue and love the cold feeling on his skin, safe with a palm wrapped around his own. tonight, gaon would push through the blue for kwak jiseok.

tonight, running through the cold, rainy streets of seoul was gaon— kwak jiseok deserved to rest until he felt okay again.

[go-follow-vibingouthere]

Kaimelia Fic Update/Sneak Peek

For anyone that cares...

I'm still writing the post 18x20 Kaimelia fic I posted about 2 months ago lol. Had a bit of an identity crisis after graduating college + the hyper fixation was becoming less... hyper, so I haven't actually worked on it since late June until this week. RN I've got ~3.5k words that are actually useable and good and another ~13k (I know 🙃) of... Over stuff lol (some of it's useable, some of it's redundant, etc.). I won't post it until it's done; I hate disappointing people and wouldn't wanna get anyone's hopes up just to never finish it. I am fucking DETERMINED to get this out before the new season starts.

However... Because I'm a glutton for attention and I know the fandom is in a drought rn... I wanna give y'all a sneak peek of the first 500 words or so. Without further ado:

Kai had never kissed anybody in the rain before… It was nice. Like a scene from a movie. Kai could imagine some grandiose love song playing in the background of this moment, the music swelling when Amelia’s lips met their own. Picture-perfect…

It had been a long day. A long few weeks, really. Whatever anxiety Kai had experienced during that dinner party, surrounded by Amelia’s intimidating web of a family, had only increased after their semi-break up on the swings; and, with it, came wave after wave of self-loathing, anger, and despair. They couldn’t eat, they couldn’t work, they couldn’t sleep, they couldn’t function.

Not even the paper being published—years and years of work and effort finally being recognized—was enough to lift their spirits. Every potentially happy thought about it—every stray thought they’d had since the last time they were in Seattle—just led back to her. Their text to her upon hearing the news (“thinking of you”) wasn’t a lie: if anything, it was an understatement.

The irony plagued them. They had once boasted to Amelia that they needed very little sleep to function and look where that had landed them: impulse buying a plane ticket to Seattle after another restless 24 hours, running through the airport to make it on time, all 6’ 1” of them jammed into a middle seat on a rickety Spirit Airlines flight, their hastily packed carry-on containing nothing but two shirts, pajama bottoms, underwear, and a toothbrush. All without a shred of hope to cling to that she’d even want to see them, let alone take them back.

But she did… at least, tentatively.

She was kissing them, in the rain, and Kai felt like they could finally breathe again. The risk of drowning at sea was averted: her presence alone pushed their exhausted, waterlogged mind back to shore. The monumental pain of their actions was gone. The weight and stress that had sat in their shoulders and upper back had finally dissipated. Relief flooded over them and they were left to ponder happier ideas… like which movies had the best rain kiss scenes.

(They managed The Notebook, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Spider-Man, A Cinderella Story, and that one episode of Friends before Amelia pulled away for breath, her forehead slumped against theirs.)

The rain was getting worse by the second; having started as barely a sprinkle, it was now quickly becoming a considerable downpour. They could feel their hair getting heavier, sticking to their forehead in odd spots, matted after Amelia’s handiwork.

Her hands eventually came down to rest on their shoulders. They stayed breathing each other’s breath, eyes closed and hands still, for a long time, quiet despite the environmental rage surrounding them…

They were tempted to kiss her again, being that close for so long. And they nearly did. Hesitantly brushing their nose alongside hers, receiving no comments or requests to stop, they brought their hand up to her cheek, ready to join their lips again and—

“Amelia!” someone called out from the hospital exit, their voice carrying over the dense rain.

The bubble popped.

Hope you enjoyed :) I hope to have it out in full beginning/mid-September.