#y’all i’d better get tickets when they come to america

[strawberriesoup]

can we talk about how this makes me want to write prince hannie

[buckyswintersoldiermask]

The Super Soldier and His Friend

Part 7

Bucky Barnes x friend!reader

(Bucky x Sam, Sam x reader, Sarah x reader)

⊙ Bucky Masterlist ⊙ Main Masterlist ⊙ TSSAHF Masterlist ⊙

Summary: Bucky tells Yori the truth, and tells you that you’re his family. Bucky invites you to go with him to Louisiana for a cookout with Sam.

Word Count: 1.7k

Warnings: spoilers for FATWS Episodes 5 and 6

A/N: this is the final part of the series, I hope it’s to y’all’s liking :)

I don’t want FATWS to end :((

“You weren’t amending, you were avenging.” Those words rang in Buckys mind. He truly wasn’t amending, so he knew what he had to do.

“So you’re going to tell Yori today, are you sure today is the day?”

“I’ve waited long enough, he needs the closure (y/n) and it’s one step closer to me making amends.”

You patted his shoulder and gave him a warm smile, “I’ll be at my place, come over if you want, when you’re done.” He nods before you both leave his apartment. You went into your apartment just hoping the best for Bucky.

He’s had so much growth since you’ve met him, he’s finally getting closer to peace. Something he’s wanted since you met him.

Bucky didn’t take long. Bucky knocked on his door, Yori surprised to see him, he let him in. They sat down and Bucky told him straight up,

I, uh, have something to tell you. About your son.

Yori was confused to say the least, what could Bucky know about his son? Bucky and Yori sat down as Bucky slipped off his glove.

He was murdered. Bucky said, making Yori even more confused.

By The Winter Soldier. And that was me. Bucky finally spits out, as his voice shakes. Taking everything in him not to fall apart.

“Why?” Yori asked, Bucky inhales, trying to compose himself, “I didn’t have a choice.”

Yori showed Bucky out after that. Bucky took a little walk afterwards, before showing up at your door.

Once he knocked on your door and you saw his face, you knew he had told him. He had tried to tell Yori multiple times, but this time he stuck with it. You let him in and he sat down on your couch.

You stood just a few feet away from him, wanting to know if he’s okay. “So how did it go?”

“I told him, he asked why, and I told him why.”

“I know that was hard and I’m proud of you.” Bucky nods, as you pat his shoulder.

“Do you want to stay for a bit?” He nods again and you grab a bunch of delivery menus from your kitchen. “You’re lucky I don’t have work tomorrow.”

“Your hours are never consistent. Why do you even work there?”

“Well some of us aren’t a World War II veteran and need to work to have a roof over our heads.” You retorted, passing him a menu. “Order us some food, and if I didn’t have a job I wouldn’t be able to pay for our food.”

He smirked before ordering the food as you brought 2 sodas to the table. Setting them down, before sitting down across from him. “Do you want to talk about it?” He shook his head, popping the lid on the soda off.

Trying to lighten the mood you say, “Well I know what we could talk about.”

“And what’s that?”

“Sam’s new suit.” You say, before opening your own soda.

“I’m not following.”

“That’s a nice suit. The Wakandans did good.”

“How did-“

“Just a hunch. Now let’s talk about your suit.”

“My suit is fine.”

“I mean it could use some tweaks.”

“We are not doing this.”

“Sam’s suit is better than yours.” You blurt out, teasing Bucky more. His mouth drops open in fake shock.

“Take it back.”

“He has wings and a shield. You just have a jacket and some pants and a gold and black metal arm.” You exclaim, making Bucky roll his eyes.

“And here I thought you were my friend.”

“I am, and as your friend I’m saying your suit needs an upgrade.”

“Alright, fashion expert.”

After some more light bantering between the two of you, your food arrived, you paid for it then brought it inside.

You noticed the bag being extra heavy than usual. “Geez, Bucky how much did you order?” You asked, taking containers out of the bag.

“Enough.”

“Yeah enough to feed 6 people.”

You and Bucky ate as he told you about him and Sam stopping the flagsmashers. It was nice to hear Bucky and Sam working together and not being a pain in each other’s sides. You saw Sam’s speech on TV the other day, it was beautiful and inspiring. Sam is Captain America.

It was way past 12am and Bucky decided he should go home. Even though you didn’t mind him staying, he insisted. “Will you be alright tonight?” You asked, making sure he’d be okay after that day's events.

He nods, “if not, I’ll come over.” You give him a tight hug before he leaves.

It was quiet and calm in your apartment as you were getting ready for bed. Bucky seemed fine after talking to Yori but he knew he’s always welcome at your place anytime. Which you always expressed. You were getting ready for bed and was interrupted as you heard a knock on your door. You groaned as you trudged to your front door.

You unlocked it to see it’s Bucky. You let him in and close the door behind him, “why didn’t you just use your key?”

“I didn’t want you to think someone was breaking in.”

“Good point,” you sat down on the couch and patted it, telling him to come sit down. “You okay, Buck?” You asked, remembering what he said earlier. He sat down beside you as you got ready to listen to what he had to say.

“Yeah, I just wanted to ask you something.”

“What’s up?”

“Sam invited me to a cookout in New Orleans and I wanted to know if you’d come with me.”

“I’d love to, only if Sam and his family are okay with it. I wouldn’t want to intrude.”

“I asked him if it was okay. He said you’re welcome to come.” You smiled, “well if it’s okay with him.”

“I got us plane tickets.” He says, handing you a plane ticket he bought.

“You just knew I’d say yes, huh?”

“I just want all of my family to be there.” You stare at him for a moment, with a jaw dropping expression on your face.

“You’re family (y/n/n). I thought I had nothing when Sam gave up the shield, but I had you. Even though we are an usual pair of friends, you’re very important to me.”

“So that’s why you came here at almost 2am? To tell me I’m your family.”

“Yes?” Bucky answered, unsure of how you were taking this.

“I love you too, Buck.”

You glanced down at your plane ticket to see the date you’re supposed to be leaving.

“We’re leaving in 2 days?!”

“Yes..” you glared at him as he slouched in his seat avoiding eye contact with you.

After about a 3 hour flight, you and Bucky landed in New Orleans. You rented a car and you were on your way to the dock, where the cookout was.

“Wait.” You said, making Bucky stop the car abruptly.

“What happened?”

“We have to bring something. We can’t show up empty handed.”

“What should we bring?”

Bucky drove to the store and the both of you settled on a cake with buttercream icing and 2 liters of soda. You pull up to the dock and Bucky puts on some shades and his jacket. You shook your head as you grabbed the drinks and Bucky got the cake. Music was playing, food was being cooked and everybody was just having a good time when you walked up.

The first people who greeted Bucky were Sam’s nephews, Cass and AJ. Bucky pretended to fight with them for a little bit before walking over to the table and placing down the cake. You came behind and placed the drinks on the table as well. Bucky glanced around looking for the man of the hour. He was getting hugs and pictures from people in the community.

Bucky brought you over to Sam, giving him a hug. Buckys come a long way from ignoring his messages to hugging him, you thought. Bucky glanced over to you, introducing you to Sam.

“(y/n), this is Sam. Sam, (y/n).”

“Nice to meet you in person, Sam. Thank you for inviting me.”

“Anyone who’s friends with Bucky is a friend of mine.”

You met a lot of really nice people that day. You talked to Sarah and offered to help her cook. And man did she put you to work. After you were done, you sat at a picnic table, enjoying the atmosphere.

You watched as children played on Bucky's metal arm as he talked to Sarah, which warmed your heart. Bucky’s arm being a bar to play on for kids. It was nice to see him happy and peaceful there in Louisiana.

Bucky excused himself before coming over to you, “you okay, doll?”

“Yeah, I’m just taking it all in. You fit right in down here.” Bucky nods, agreeing with you, he does fit right in. “Why don’t you come over here with me, Sarah and the kids?” Bucky questioned as he grabbed your hand, leading you over to them.

“I know you two have met.” Bucky smiled, as you sat down at the table.

“Yeah, (y/n), helped me with the food earlier, she’s the one that deals with you in New York.” You laugh, before nodding at Sarah’s comment, “that’s me, though, I feel it's a mutual thing, we deal with each other.”

“Thank you for being so welcoming.” You said as a big smile appeared on your face.

“Of course.”

The music continued to play as everyone danced around, chatted, and ate. The sun began to set. Bucky went to talk to Sam for a moment and Sarah went to go talk to some more people. You stayed there watching the kids play, such innocence and beauty. You glanced over at Sam and Bucky as Bucky nudged his shoulder, a huge grin on his face. You had never seen him smile as much as he smiled that day.

Sam and Buckys moment was short but sweet. Bucky came back and sat next to you, still smiling.

“You’re really enjoying yourself.” You said, turning to him, making eye contact.

“I am, I’m really glad you came (y/n/n).”

“I’m glad I came too.”

That day Bucky realized something. He had a family and he was finally happy.

A/N: tell me what you thought about this part! Might make an alternative ending or something idk.

Bucky Tags: @ragnaroqk @mollysolo @mogaruke @whothehellisbuckybarnes @amelia-song-pond @fredweazleyswh0re @tinylumpiaa @i-reblog-fics-i-like @weenersoldierr @stephthepeach @sammypotato67 @ttalisa @mxltifaves @supremethunda @hanniebee33 @gamerartisy @afraid-to-be-me @qhbr2013 @kidswhofightmonsters @bahama-mama-llama @teti-menchon0604 @jbreenr

TSSAHF Tags: @nialeesato @marvel-ousnesss

Taglist

[writing-in-april]

Origins

Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader

Summary: Reader feels homesick after a particularly gruesome case. Spencer can’t buy a plane ticket, but he can try to help recreate part of home with them.

A/N: hey heyyyy- this is my eighth fic for my 30 fics in 30 days for April- I’m very nervous for this one to be honest- idk if it’s going to be a lot of peoples cup of tea- this one had me researching a lot lol since I have no clue about boats at all lol- I hope I did the request at least a bit of justice (sorry in advance if I fuck up any terms or anything) but I think I did pretty well with my research (I think). I originally got the request from @imagining-in-the-margins when she handed it over to me also thanks for some help on the folklore parts too! Here it is-

I always want to hear from you guys so feel free to drop me an ask here- and hopefully y’all enjoy!!

Warnings: ~disclaimer lol I know nothing about boating~ Anyway into the other warnings- Takes place directly after season 3 episode 8 (Lucky with Floyd Feylinn) Spencer gets really fucking sea sick- poor baby, Reader is from overseas (originally Cornwall in the request but I made it a bit more vague) and Reader’s father is a fisherman

Main Masterlist Word Count: 1.8k

The air that floated around whenever I was out on the water, salty sea water or fresh salt water always seemed to breath life back into my lungs. The river that we were boating on was quite salty near its widest point, tides brought the saltwater in to mix with the fresh making the water quite brackish.

I was lucky to still live somewhat near water after I had moved over to America. I hadn’t had the luxury of picking exactly where I was going to live and work when I transferred to the FBI, I just happened to draw all the right cards. With my schedule I didn’t go out on the water as much as I used to, definitely not as often as I had as a child. I yearned often to feel the specific type of air people only felt when on the water, especially when my job got particularly gruesome.

Gruesome was a way to define the last case my team and I had been brought in to investigate. My stomach churned at the thought of our last unsub, his name couldn’t leave my mind and the images of his heinous acts certainly didn’t leave either. Floyd Feylinn Ferell had been his name, though I wished I could forever scrub it from my memory. His crimes were too vile that everything seemed to trigger a memory, specifically of the frozen corpses.

The team had even noticed how affected I was by the case, often sending me worrying looks whenever it looked like blood drained from my face over sheer shock- just like the corpses. Cases had been gruesome before, sure, but there was something about this one made me feel frozen by fear.

I needed air, and not just any old air.

Homesickness was another factor that was making me feel so ill. I hadn’t been back to my home in so long, the only time I spoke with my father was over the phone, no video chats at all. He was just as technophobic as Spencer, maybe even more so to be honest. My father’s life as a fisherman hadn’t made him exceptionally tech savvy. He did know how to work a phone now thanks to you, which was another similarity to him and Spencer. I had helped Spencer learn how to work his new smartphone just last week.

Spencer, my lovely boyfriend of a few months, wanted to help quell my dark thoughts as best as he could with all of his knowledge. His first solution was to always revert to books, which I didn’t mind, it only made him more special to me. He tried to find books that would remind me of home- and get my mind off of gruesome cases that were closed and shut cases.

Hotch had then suggested the team take a day off, just one. After weeks of back to back cases with little to no reprieve we’d finally get some time alone, even if it was only for a day. All I needed was one day to get on the water and cleanse myself of the negative thoughts I had been feeling lately.

It was actually Spencer that had first suggested this excursion. He had come to one of our dates with his arms full of pamphlets all about renting a boat for the day. He also had definitely read up about boats, I’d expect nothing less of Spencer. I had learned it was his way of subtly showing affection, researching anything that I even was passively interested in.

Spencer packed even more than I did when we set off on the day long date, packing to the brim at least one too many bags- to be honest he packed two too many bags.

Once we had gotten the boat out into the water, the relief was almost instant. It was like my body knew I was home. I wasn’t actually at home of course, but it somehow knew I was near the water again. Honestly, Spencer hadn’t been far off when he called me a mermaid on one of our first dates, I had gone on a ramble about my love for it.

The water wasn’t nearly as clear as where I had grown up, much more dull in my opinion. But, the breeze that danced across my skin as well as the water made me feel more at home then I had been in a long time. After letting the mist spray onto my cheeks for a while I looked over to check on Spencer, who was not doing well by the looks of it.

Spencer’s face was twisted up in a grimace, not used to being in a boat. Until I had asked him a few weeks ago, to make sure it would be safe to go out on the water with him, I hadn’t even been sure he could swim. I also wasn’t that surprised that he had this reaction, it would have been less of a problem if it was a boat that I had picked out and bought. But, I’d take what I’d get if only to be by the water.

He pretended to hide his urge to dry heave over the side of the small boat that I had rented for the weekend. He looked almost green at this point, I knew he was only staying for my benefit at this point making me a tad bit sad. Water definitely seemed to have the opposite effect on Spencer compared to me, being on the water always felt like instant relaxation to me.

I still, however, didn’t want him to feel any major discomfort like he was obviously feeling so I decided to pipe up since he wouldn’t tell me himself, “Are you sure you’re ok enough to stay, Spencer?”

He pulled his life vest around himself as tight as he could while crossing his arms around his stomach. It took him a second to answer and in that time I almost started to turn the boat around back to the bay.

“I’m fine!” He squeaked out and I could see a shiver run through him. If I had offered to turn the boat around he’d most definitely have given me a glare, not wanting me to turn it around for his own sake. I squinted my eyes in suspicion, he was not completely fine obviously, but if he was insistent on staying maybe I could find something to distract him from it.

“Do you want to hear a sea shanty or do you want me to tell a regular story?” I asked out into the wind, thinking that might distract him from his nausea.

“A story, but you can’t call them regular stories.” He teased back as well as he could with the urge to dry heave, as if he didn’t know what I had meant. I scooted a little closer to him before I prepared myself to tell my story.

Selkies were always the ones I started out with whenever I told the stories I had grown up with. Despite its dark undertones I had latched onto the story as a child, finding it similar to the mainstream perception of what mermaids were. Though I’m reality seals that could transform into humans were a far cry from mainstream ideas of mermaids, a Merrow would have been a better comparison.

I always gave Spencer the origins of the story, he liked to know exactly where they had come from and how I had heard about the story in the first place, “As you know by now the folklore about Selkie’s originates from Scotland. Well- let me think about what I haven’t told you about Selkies before…” I pondered for a moment before remembering an aspect of the Selkies powers I hadn’t educated Spencer on yet. There was no doubt in my mind that he probably had all this information stored away in his brain somewhere, it was nice to know that someone genuinely cared about the stories I liked to tell. “Selkies are immortal, but they can be killed by other creatures. And I know I’ve told you that part, but I haven’t told you that they are generally killed by sharks when they are in seal form.”

I then went into the whole lore surrounding Selkie’s immortality. My hands were waving around animatedly as I talked, just like how the small waves were rocking our boat. They had definitely calmed down by now, hopefully Spencer would feel better soon.

Once I finished my tale I beamed over at him, my mood had brightened significantly over this trip, even though I could sense that Spencer’s had not. Though the story might have helped, he seemed a little less sickly now. He then managed to ask again without puking, “Could you tell another story? Maybe about the Kelpies? Or the Pixies of Cornwall? You can pick anything though really, I love listening to your stories.”

My heart swelled enough from his words that I thought it might burst. I wouldn’t have expected anything less of Spencer, he always hunted for more knowledge about things he was maybe more ignorant about compared to other topics.

I opted to then tell him about the Kelpies, who were also water dwelling creatures, before moving onto the pixies. He even seemed to be getting attached to the same stories that you favored as a child, and even as an adult.

I looked over at him as I finished my last little bit of information that I felt I could muster up today. A smile filled with fondness crept onto my face, his fluffy hair strewn about. It was cute despite his lingering sea sickness.

His face was remarkably less green now, my stories must have soothed him which made me feel heat run to my cheeks. Each time Spencer took interest in my origins I felt deeper feelings bubbling up, that were more than what we had expressed yet. Instead of voicing my full feelings just yet, I leaned forward to give him a chaste kiss on the forehead. He may have not looked green anymore, but I’d wait to give him a kiss on the lips until after we got back to shore, just in case something was to happen.

“Can you sing now?” I knew that he was not requesting me to sing any silly old song. He wanted me to sing the sea shantys that my father had taught me as a child. Not that I minded his request, I’d do anything to make him happier and I loved singing them anyway.

I smiled brightly as I guided the boat back to shore while I sang, already feeling lighter. It had not just been the water this time that made me feel better, it was also because of Spencer. He had taken so much care to help me feel more connected with home, loving to learn about your origins.

Ask Me Anything

—-

Tag lists (message me if you want to be added):

All works: @shotarosleftpinky @oreogutz @90spumkin @kyra-morningstar @s1utformgg @takeyourleap-of-faith I’m sorry 😭

All MGG characters: @muffin-cup @willowrose99

Spencer Reid/CM: @calm-and-doctor @destiny-tsukino @safertokiss @slutforthegubes @onlyhereforthefanfics @jareauswifey

[escxpiism]

( olivia holt, 23, she/her ) * hey, i’m looking for the office of ALICE ADAMS. they’re the EMPLOYEE who’s known around the office as THE MASK if that helps ? not to be a gossip, but i’ve heard that they’re ADAPTABLE but JADED, is that true ? i also heard that they’re the one who CATFISHED DAVID HASSELHOFF. anyways, here’s the coffee they ordered.

hi y’all !! i’m may ( 21 // est // she/her ) and i am super super pumped to be here !! i’m also very much writing this against my better judgment ya girl’s running on four hours of sleep and has the option to sleep more but......... is not tired ?? so i do apologize if my mind is secretly tired and makes this intro,,,, even worse than it would be fahouedn. on with the show !! anyway anyway!! feel free to like this if u wld like 2 plot and i will hit u up!!

( also, for some vibes if you so choose to read, here’s the link to her playlist ! )

----------------------------------------------------

QUICK FACTS:

full name: alice audrey adams

date of birth: october 26th, 1997

*will not perfectly reflect the zodiac big three below because that’s.... math.

zodiac big three: scorpio sun, virgo moon, taurus rising

gender & pronouns: cis woman & she/her

sexual orientation: bisexual

education: ged, bachelor’s degree in film — pratt institute

enneagram: 4w3

mbti: enfp

temperament: sanguine-melancholic

label: the mask

various inspirations: “nutshell” - alice in chains, “santa monica” - everclear, “polly” - nirvana, “jennifer’s body” - hole, “creep” - stone temple pilots, kate wallis ( cruel summer - shhhh ), heather davis ( crazy ex-girlfriend ), satana hellstrom ( marvel comics ), bojack horseman - without the amount of problematic ego ( bojack horseman ), eddie huang ( fresh off the boat ), the great britney spears evolution ( temporarily stopping at circus era )

BACKSTORY:

triggers in order: toxic family dynamic, grooming (nothing super in-depth), kidnapping (? like it was ‘willing’ but no. see next trigger for why), toxic “relationship” (and 11yr age gap w/ a 16y/o we hate it), straight-up captivity, very brief mention of suicide + heroin (very!)

*would like to quickly preface that this isn’t just Dark for the sake of being r/im14andthisisdeep but that’s for a later time **(also! i have markers for where the grooming + Super Dark parts begin and end! -- also, the Super Dark part is all very public knowledge. had articles. media frenzy. first thing that comes up if you google her name) *** also. if u need it then a tl;dr is below this section hfkldsa

alice audrey adams was born to the type of family that names all of their children alliterative names ( however, they sadly didn’t get their own kardashian-style show )... alexis adams (working name, utp if taken as a wc)... alfie allison adams (working name, utp if taken as a wc)... born to anna adams and allen adams... we hate it here.

as u can see... all of the kids were basically named after allen... they all had ‘al’ names.... extremely confusing 

plot-twist: THAT’S the darkest part

the adams were very concerned with public image. as a family in the upper echelon, they simply had to be! a narcissist father, a distant mother, put in competition with her siblings — there was no truly healthy dynamic in the household. but they looked good. they went to church every sunday, a ‘wwjd’ sticker on the back of her mother’s car. they did just enough activities and took just enough trips together to get the image across. they threw parties. they attended parties. they were the picture perfect american family — they even had two cats in the yard! life used to be so hard! 

of course, in reality, this all left ms alice quite the lonely gal. but don’t worry! she didn’t turn to hedonism! lord no! instead, she turned to other people. a lot of friendships — couldn’t tell if they were real or #fortheclout — but at a point, did it matter? 

grooming tw: it all came to a screeching halt when she met luke johnson, the son of their neighbors. he came back from california to georgia to visit family, care for his ailing father. oh, he was a good man! sure, he was ‘somewhat’ older than her — 27 when she was 16 — but he was such a good, handsome young man! and they were all still calling him young man, after all. 

alice ‘began’ a torrid affair with luke after about a month into his visit. although she saw no immediate wrong in it, he insisted she keep it a secret ‘for the time being’ — which really just made it all the more exciting! he made all the storm clouds that hovered disappear.

one day, the levee broke for alice (still figuring out what exactly happened because i don’t wanna go too dark since this is already extremely dark, but trust that it had something to do with her parents and was just enough to push her over the edge). convinced luke was the only safe person, she turned to him. knowing their small community would catch on and essentially exile him, he took that opportunity to convince her to go back to santa monica with him where they could ‘start anew’ after his father’s death.

there are a few details i plan on adding regarding like. how legality playing into it. but i may just reserve those for an official bio lhakfsdfj

**BEGINNING OF SUPER DARK** for a while, there was the question of whether they should consider it a kidnapping or not. she went with him willingly, but she was still underage (and… you know, that age difference… the power dynamic... gross y’all). the adams insisted that it was (bc it basically was lbr) — primarily because it would make them look far better — but the community still questioned the logistics and legalities of it all… ugh. did the police really wanna deal with that? ugh. 

in any case, on the other side of us america, autumn was nearing. alice would have the very occasional inquiry over how school would work (very occasional! don’t worry, luke!), over the logistics of her new life… and, after receiving multiple calls from various friends (in addition to her siblings) that sounded genuine, began wondering… if she’d made the right choice. questions about him.

when she began bringing up the idea of going back — at least for the school year!! — he would continuously remind her that she was not old enough to buy herself a plane ticket (and he was not about to do that). she also couldn’t rent a car yet (and he certainly wouldn’t let her take (one of) his car(s)!). but most importantly? he loved her. and she loved him. (what a creep!)

so, for a hot second, it seemed like she was stuck. damn legalities!! damn love!! you know, until she texted her older sister back with all of the problems that only being 16... and “in love”.... caused. her sister offered to fly down, buy her a plane ticket, and fly back with her. 

when luke saw this (with all the unrestricted access to her phone he had so he could block, delete, and manipulate as he pleased), he confronted her. things went awry. she wound up in his budding wine cellar (which he soon emptied, of course… those merlots :( ….). he messaged back and, as her, said it was actually all good!! luke had figured out the logistics and she could call whenever she wanted!!

and those calls became frequent! because she would pick up when luke held it up to her! because she was pretty sure luke would kill her if she didn’t!

she wasn’t sure how long it was until she was officially Found. it took what was ruled a suicide by luke, a shot to the head and heroin in his system, to finally get any authority’s attention. all she knew was that she went to santa monica in mid june and she stopped seeing regular daylight by late july. so some time in august to some time in april… **END OF SUPER DARK + GROOMING**

she was returned to georgia shortly after and everything was different. from herself to her friends. but everything was also the same. from her room to her family. it was all… teasing. she began going to therapy, but she really sucked at it?? so she just let her therapist rely on various articles that covered the event. because it had been a media circus. good enough, amirite?? 

she didn’t have the will or patience to put on that peppy facade she’d had before, but there were still a few things she found a smidge of joy in. music (although her taste had… slightly altered and wow! it’d been almost a year since she’d picked up that bass!), videography… just those small things, you know?? 

for the first half of the ~ 2014 fall semester ~, she attempted actual school. really was not working out. with, for probably the first and only time, her parents’ approval and understanding, she dropped out and studied for a ged -- shorter and self-led -- instead. 

she passed with a pretty decent grade... but it’s been argued that she really shouldn’t have gotten into pratt institute (she was at least realistic and didn’t apply to, like… cornell), but she did. national news helps. 

while in the concrete jungle where dreams are made of, she learned of masters. she submitted an application as a joke — because her grades sucked!!!!! — but guess who got a job?? oh, she could pretend it was because her selected portfolio was actually genuinely good… but, man… we all know…

fun fact: my uncle applied to harvard as a joke. some twenty-five years later, we still haven’t heard back :\

she… continues to suck. like… she kinda wants the place to eventually burn down?? figuratively speaking (or is it…) but ya, for all the monopolizing she has seen turn people Evil?? but the hell can she do about it… just gotta make sure she keeps her in-house videographer job… maybe she can do something about it when she like… is capable. fuaihoelwdjkn

she sees an in-house therapist and i’d say ‘good for her,’ but it was mandated l m a o 

doesn’t talk about herself all that much!! but that might not matter for some people, yk?? ugh journalism <3 

y’all im so bad at ending intros.

TL;DR:

(consult above trigger list): bright kid in a super rich and toxic family because obviously. everything they did was just to look good <3 also they all had ‘a’ names which is the biggest tragedy of all :( ‘fell in love’ when she was 16ys/o with a 27y/o who was visiting to care for his father in his final days. had a torrid affair. creep. creep (luke) basically made her ‘fall in love.’ she thought creep was the only safe person at one point and creep was like ‘wanna go back 2 santa monica w me?’ and she was like ‘yes.’ and everyone was like ‘was this kidnapping... we cant tell....’ then he became even more possessive when she started questioning him and some logistics. when she finally found a way she could go back to georgia for a spell, he was like ‘no u can go in my wine cellar btw i will be taking all of the wine out.’ he kept her there from august to april and... only reason he didnt keep keeping her was bc he was Caught so. back to georgia where the devil went down. everything was Worse. even the things that were the same. but hey, the sob story that landed her in the news plenty of times got her into a college she shouldn’t have gotten into and gave her a leg-up in a joke application for a job at masters (in-house videographer). really bad at doing her work but like... fuck the man i guess?? 

PERSONALITY + HEADCANONS:

has no time for Fake Nice (which, as a born southerner, she’s really good at sniffing out!). has no time for arrogance. kind of makes her at odds with the nyc upper class...

on that note, still got a lil bit of some georgia twang

she lets herself indulge in various vices, but has left a previous hedonist status. weed and alcohol are still pretty common, but everything else is kept at arm’s length.

also, while on that topic, she Does Not drink wine. being trapped in a cellar... kinda makes u averse. like. literally despises it. will go on autopilot and make it KNOWN if offered wine.

also ALSO while on that topic, after looking it up and seeing she fits the new york city requirements, she has a medical marijuana card <3 the one good thing, if u ask her, to come out of therapy/psychiatry <3 will not show it off unless absolutely NECESSARY bc then it gets personal or <3 will lie about why and say it’s like for epilepsy or sumn unless ur rolfe but <3 she has it <3

at odds with herself. enjoys the company of others, definitely has a history of being an extrovert, but has become very selective with the company she keeps. 

VERY private person! has had enough public standing! 

...has occasionally used her story to advance her tho bc it’s her national newsworthy tragic story and she can exploit it if she wants <3

when good charlotte said “i don’t wanna be in love”?? she felt that. her last ‘relationship’ ruined that for her <3 save her <3 

used to be really into pop! bc pop is fun! she loved some britney (i mean... she still does... how can u not!)! but. her taste has changed drastically. rarely listens to pop. has traded britney for like.... hole and the like.

her parents didn’t use this as the basis for her name but,, 2 me,,, she’s named alice for a reason <3 gotta luv alice in chains <3

y’all i found a youtube comment on a video called ‘nirvana - half the man i used to be’ (the song was, in fact, ‘creep’ by stone temple pilots) and it’s <3 her music taste <3 click here for it <3

the above said, dresses like she’s in seattle in the early 90s. 

her rumor is true btw she DID catfish david hasselhoff and she will proudly tell u. it’s her best accomplishment.

completely stopped talking to her parents and got cut-off a while back ago so now she’s livin like the Prols

which is how a rich kid one of my profs once advised referred to his classmates.... hilarity ensues.

the above in mind, her parents say she’s testing the waters as a ‘normal person’ to save face. they can’t have anyone knowing their family isn’t perfect <3

she has a pet turtle whom she named “dr. turtle,” although he’s constantly referred to as “doc” or “the doc.” he has his own youtube channel and tiktok account.

she has a wall full of evidence that courtney love did not kill kurt cobain... it makes sense, believe me.

became a vegetarian...... partially because it was different from her original life and a way to control something, partially because this commercial made her feel SO BAD.

literally her default mode is stoned like... a totally sober alice is rarer than a nessie sighting

when she was 18, before she could ‘hold her liquor’ as well as she can now, she got a lil too drunk and now has a portrait tattoo of courtney love on her forearm. but it was done well at least!!

kind of ironic considering her career, but RARELY posts on any social media site except twitter. after the media circus in 2014 and All Eyes On Her, she’s just..... so tired...... of ppl seeing her face and being like ‘omg ur that wine cellar bitch!’

(drugs tw) has become more and more Addicted to playing around with fate. j chill on a ledge, talkin to some pals, but deciding it’s a good idea to swing her legs on the wrong side of ledge? totally! mixing a lot of alcohol with opioids which she is not accustomed to? DEF!! (end tw)

more to come!!

CONNECTION IDEAS:

i have two (2) queued up!! but while we wait for them to post, i’ll just… link them over here: 1, 2

muse u <3 the other half of her subplot from the main <3

her older sister!

her younger sibling!

some of the basics!! you know: close pal, roommate, drug buddies (but she gotta hit them up), fwb, ons, frenemies, enemy

ppl who recognize her from the 2014 luke johnson articles and have either brought it up or,,,,,,, act Awkward™

cld be fun 2 just have like. a jam bud. someone who plays any instrument and they j. jam sometimes.

ppl she sells. some of her medical marijuana to. bc yk what weed may be legal in nyc now but,,,, she’s still found a way to be broke she will accept anything. and also it just became legalized THIS YEAR so!!

i have a budding wc page @ https://escxpiism.tumblr.com/wcs (and when i say budding, i MEAN budding) so feel free 2 check it out!!

more to come!!

[werejusttouchingeachother]

DUBAI 2019 [August 28th, 5:00AM]

Chapter 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 T/W: cursing Words: 2446 A/N: its... the final chapter. i hope it isn’t too disappointing and i can’t believe i just finished my first series (altho short) on here. this is a big moment and i’d wait longer to upload it but it seems right to do it on KyoongDay. for anyone and everyone who’s been with me through the whole ride, @realllllrica​ @jongins-laceglove​, @mongryong-the-corgi​ for hitting me up constantly with feedback, @hkynm​ for the constant support and discussions about baek and writing, @exosnet​ @bbh-net​ for all the support, silent supporters like @baekyoonbi​ @tiredgirltingz​ @lolii-moon​ (YES I SEE AND LOVE ALL OF YOU) and even the anons who reached out and everyone else, i love all of you and thank y’all so so much, may all your lives be filled with the same warmth and happiness that Baekhyunee emits ☀️💕

Dubai International Airport

His hands are nervously drumming against the handle of his luggage as he looks around while you quickly respond to Seoyeon’s text. You push your phone back into your pocket, swallowing slightly as you catch Baekhyun’s gaze from where he stands next to the car while Manager unloads all the bags from the trunk.

It had only been two nights ago when you’d taken Baekhyun to Trance and shown him all of Dubai. Earlier that day, you’d almost broke down as he left your office and thought that you were having a rerun of what happened at New York.

And yet, you didn’t. It felt like ages ago and it killed you now because as you gazed at him, you wished you could redo it all again just to relive every moment with him, the good and even the bad if only it meant to be in his arms again.

No matter how many times you’d been through this, it killed you every time you had to watch him leave.

You sighed as Baekhyun gave you a smile that didn’t quite meet his eyes. Jongin elbowed your side and you turned to the tall man, giving him a small smile as he cocks his head in the direction of Baekhyun.

“Go hug him before he starts crying,” Jongin teases and Baekhyun glares at him, already opening his mouth to curse at him. You grab his hand before he can and drag him around the Prado car, taking him to the front that’s facing the wall for some privacy as you look at him.

“Hey,” you say, cupping his cheeks with your hands. “Don’t stress so much. It’s okay. I’ll fly down sooner than you think, okay? You’ll be busy with SuperM and all the shows at America for a while anyway so forward your schedules to me and we’ll figure something out. Okay?”

He nods, sighing softly in between your hands as his gaze drops to the floor. You squeeze his cheeks slightly and his gaze darts back up as you mumble, “Eat properly, okay? I’ve told Jongin to tell me if you skip meals so you better not do it.”

“You too,” he rolls his eyes, pulling away from your hands and gripping them in his own instead. “You better not lose weight either.”

“You know I won’t. Seoyeon doesn’t let me.”

At this, he pouts. “Maybe you should come with me to monitor my eating and I won’t skip then.”

“Baekhyun.”

“Seoyeon can come too! To monitor you! We can form our own support triangle!”

“Shut up,” you laugh, shaking your head at him. He sighs as you encircle your arms around his slender waist, hugging him tightly to you.

“Soon,” you mumble softly. “I promise.”

Baekhyun holds you to him, asking, “Where’s your car?”

“The parking lot below this.”

“You can’t come see me off inside the airport, right?”

“No, the fans have been waiting for hours.” You look up then, tilting your head back to gaze at him. “Also, Dubai airport security is pretty strict so I can’t get very far inside without a ticket.”

Baekhyun sighs again before pulling back. You stare at each other in silence, eyes stinging slightly as you force yourself to not cry because you know if you did, it’d just hurt him and get him upset too which would then make you feel worse.

He doesn’t say anything as he leans forward, cupping your face and kissing you. You stumble back slightly as he leans his entire weight onto you, your back pressed up against the side of the care as his lips press into yours deeply in a way that you were certain he was savouring and cherishing each nanosecond, memorising it until the next time that your lips could meet again.

You hear someone clear their throat and Baekhyun pulls away reluctantly. He immediately crushes you to his chest again, hugging your head until you’re suffocating and you’re almost thankful that you can’t see him because you weren’t sure how much longer you could keep a grip over your emotions.

Baekhyun loosens his grip around you and you smile as you feel him gently kiss the top of your head before finally letting go. You smile up at him and he gives you one quick kiss before turning around.

You take in a shaky breath and step away from the car as Baekhyun quickly strides to Hyungnim, grabbing the passport and ticket from his hand as he headed for the glass doors at the right corner of the parking lot, leading to the airport. Jongin and Hyungnim turns to give you one last friendly wave and you nod at them with a smile as they follow him inside.

It was an unspoken agreement that both you and Baekhyun abided by—no matter how much it hurt, it always hurt a lot worse if you turned for one last glance so you both always left without looking back.

Your phone suddenly rings with the familiar notification bell saved for Baekhyun and you furrow your eyebrows, grabbing it from your pocket to check the message.

[4:13AM] So you may wanna check the backseat of your car for some pictures from a secret folder that I may have left for you to miss me.

You furrow your eyebrows in confusion as you read the message. Secret folder, what—

Your eyes widen as it strikes you what exactly he’s talking about and you quickly run to the right, leading to the stairs downstairs to where your car was parked.

You’re slightly panting as you unlock the car door, and dive into the backseat, closing the door behind you.

“Oh my god,” you breathe out when you notice a familiar beige box placed on the floor of the car, grabbing it and placing it on the seat.

You grin like an idiot as you open the Louboutin box, fingers finding a hard white paper and turning it to read his familiar handwriting:

Ha, fooled ya! ^^ I know you haven’t worn out the ones I gave you last time (I know everything, okay?) but I really put a lot of thought into this so I hope you use them well. Also, check the glove compartment for the secret folder photos kekekekeke

You mutter curses under your breath as you bite down on your lip to stop yourself from splitting your face open with your grin as you pull away the paper wrappings and gasp aloud when the shoes are finally revealed.

The first thing you notice is that they’re customised—a sleek red body covered with what appeared to be black lacing.

You peer closer and your eyes widen as you feel your heart stutter slightly.

The intricate designs adorning the lace were the exact same that you’d drawn by your own hand decades ago; your first design as a child: the half-circle sun you’d drawn in between two upside-down v’s that were mountains.

A design that was familiar and known to every kid whether artistic or not, it was the one you’d been most proud of as you incorporated it into your very first designs that you’d launched at Paris—both for children and adults, by developing the base circle and triangle into a more elaborate geometric pattern with bold and monochrome colours in a way that it struck as familiar and funky to everyone alike.

A detail you’d gushed about in passing, long ago to Baekhyun—not having expected for him to remember it.

You gaze at the red-soled heels in awe, exhaling softly in disbelief as you wonder how he even thought of doing this. The geometric designs added a beauty to the Louboutins that you didn’t even dream of, heightening its beauty with the complementing red-sole.

You glance at the note again, eyes falling on the last words and reminding you of the glove compartment.

Feeling too impatient to step out, you just throw your leg over the steering and climb to the front seat, grunting as you feel the gearshift hit your side in your hurry. You sit down with a heavy breath, mentally preparing yourself for the photographs of yourself that your insane boyfriend had, for some reason, thought would be hilarious to print them out for you.

“Byun Baekhyun, I swear to God,” you mutter under your breath, opening the glove compartment slowly. “If it’s the blowjob pictures, I’m gonna—”

You stop as you notice the familiar black album cover of City Lights that you were certain you’d last seen in your apartment, next to your sound system with the marker that Baekhyun had carelessly left without placing it back in the shelf.

Frowning in confusion, you take the photobook carefully, recognising it as the one without the photocards. You pull it to your lap, feeling the hard circular disk and opening the last page where it was, except now the shiny silver surface had been signed with the marker:

To my love, my soul and my heart My moon, Y/N

You smile as you read the words, fingers flipping through the photobook and suddenly, a paper falls out onto your lap.

Placing the photobook back in the compartment, you unfold the paper and start reading the letter:

I hope you’re happy cause I didn’t sign anywhere except on the disk, okay? I just wanted to write this because I know I don’t have enough time to tell you and there’s so much I want to say. I’m sure you remember this but the first time I left you in 2017, at Paris—I ran back to the airport’s parking lot and found you in your car just like how you probably are reading this right now, to confess to you for the first time. I knew it was too quick and I knew it might scare you but I wanted to say it anyway. We’ve always rushed, Y/N. I rushed to judge you at Paris, you rushed into a grudge because of my ignorant words. We both rushed at that power room and then we waited what seemed like forever to finally admit the truth to each other. We waited forever to kiss and god, we waited fucking centuries to have each other. I didn’t care when I finally told you I love you because I knew I didn’t want to wait anymore. Because I meant it. I meant it then and I mean it every day—on the many days that I drowsily say it at the end of a call, on the fewer days when we’re both so busy that we forget to remind it to each other, and on the even lesser days that I mumble it into your hair when I hold you close in my arms. I know you hate it when I apologise for the way things are because you say they’re already perfect as is, and I know that if I doubt it, I can always look at you and be reassured of the same. You see me as your beacon of hope, the sunlight in your darkness but you have no idea what you do to me, Y/N. You’re the strongest person I know. The first time I saw you at Paris, you’d been yelling at poor Jun Ki about the broken lights and I remember thinking that you were like some kind of ice queen in her own lair. And then as I pissed you off throughout the show, turned you on at the power room, watched you fall in love with me over tteokbokkis at Paris (okay, it was me who fell in love), I realised how much of a front you’ve put up all your life. And now, I realise how much you’ve grown ever since that first time I met you. Now I’m not crediting myself for it (maybe a little bit) but I like to think that I had something to do with warming all that ice down, melting it away with my light.

You call me your sunshine but you’re my moon, Y/N. Being blinded by these lights all the time, you’d think it’d be easier to see but there’s so many times when I feel lost and helpless, where I have to shine blindly in the direction of the cameras and just blindly smile, pretending that I’m okay. But then you’re there to hold me, you’re there to guide me with your light through the dark. You’re there to tell me that I am okay and I can finally believe it because I know you’re there, holding my hand in my dark that’s blinded by light. You think I shine down on your darkness but you guide me away from mine. There aren’t enough words in any language to ever express how much I love you for the comfort that you are, for the home that you’ve become. And even if there are, I don’t know half as many languages as you so this is the best I can do, okay?

I know you’re a lot better than you were when we first met but I still want you to take better care of yourself, Y/N. I trust Seoyeon to make sure that you aren’t skipping meals and I’ve told her about your little couch situation, so you better start sleeping on that bed, baby. You may not be a model on the runway but it’ll hurt your back and neck and you’re almost always on your feet during your shows so please sleep better. Listen to Jongdae in your room, if that helps (or I’ll make covers of his entire album and send it so you can listen to me instead. Yeah, I’ll do that. Delete his album, don’t listen to him in your room, he has his girlfriend for that). Also as much as I enjoyed your little Arabic tradition, please don’t do it too much. I looked it up and it DOES have tobacco and it IS harmful so you better find another activity to do when you’re stressed about work. Again, I’ve mentioned this to Seoyeon and I think she’s banned you from shisha so yeah, don’t be mad but I love you hehe ^^

My ice queen who became my moon, I love you and miss you already. Fly back to me as soon as you can. Always wanting to stroll more streets with you in yet another exotic city. Always wanting to listen to you throw shade on more tourist guides. Always waiting to be in your arms again.

Your favourite man in the world, Always your sunshine, Baekhyunnieee 'ㅅ'

[the end.]

[pinkysfaultorbrainsfault]

animaniacs - s1e40: puppet rulers

episode summary: after seeing how small children react to the characters on their favourite tv show, brain decides that he and pinky will be children’s tv characters, too, before cryogenically freezing themselves for long enough that nostalgia tricks everyone into loving them enough to... elect them world leaders.

because people are totally thinking about old cartoons thirty years after they came off the air, right? that’s a thing normal people do.

the rundown:

we open in 1954.

nobody knows when in 1954 though, because whoever owns this calender isn’t ticking off the days. never mind! i’m sure they have more important things to do.

like welding some shit together, or whatever, like this guy is doing. “there. albert einstien’s latest experiment will be a powerful success.” if it’s albert einstien’s experiment, i don’t know why he hired this guy to do it, but i guess that’s between the big man and himself.

turns out the experiment only needs to be “powerful enough to pull five boxcars and a little caboose”, which is fine. fair enough if albert einstien wants to outsource production of his trainset. he’s probably busy being photographed for ridiculous facebook memes that say shit like “masks give you HIV”. 🙄 

meanwhile, as the music swells and the theme tune comes into the musical layers, we see pinky walking towards brain, who is preparing his coffin. it has a little alarm clock on it so he doesn’t miss bill nye the science guy.

“i’m finished, pinky.” he proclaims. he sure is. “with this cryonic capsule, we shall freeze ourselves and awaken fourty years in the future.” which i suppose is a little less morbid than, yknow, being dead. and bill nye should still be on tv, so it isn’t all bad.+

“egad, brain. what will we do in the future?”

“i don’t know, pinky, but it has to be better than what we’re doing now.”

i feel for him. i have never seen these mice in a well equipped cage. would it kill y’all to put some fucking climbers in there??? jesus.

suddenly, some children appear.

“uncle albert,” they cry. “uncle albert, it’s time.” ominous.

“but kiddies, uncle albert is doing an experiment and did you say it’s time.”

ominous! fortunately, “time” here means “time to sit down and watch tv.”

“hey kids!” says the friendly propellor worm on screen. “what time is it?” it is in fact “TIME FOR MEANIE!” as uncle albert and his fluffy brood proudly complain. yaaaay!

YAAAAAAAAAY.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

anyway turns out meany’s a bit of a dick.

pinky and brain watch on as the worm gets beaten to death. they are not particularly interested in the violence taking place, until Tiny Einstien Boy Edition (tinestien?) mentions that he wishes “treacle and meanie was president.”

to which brain makes this face.

hm. this is the face i make at my dentist when he asks to see if i’ve been maintaining my crown. sorry that my last dentist exploded my teeth or whatever. that’s kind of why i’m here.

“pinky, are you pondering what i’m pondering?” i want to take a moment out here to point out how fucking tiny brain is pinky is laying on his chest. horizontal and he is still taller than brain i just/?? he’s so fucking small. pinky could just pick him up. he couldn’t do anything. pinky could fucking yeet him like a basketball. or maybe just give him a nice hug.

anyway it turns out brain finally has a use for his cryochamber! he wants to get himself on Time For Meany and “endear himself in the hearts of children.”

anyway so once those kids grow up and become world leaders, they will remember brain fondly enough in their hearts so that... when he thaws out, they’ll, uh, elect him president. not entirely... foolproof, perhaps? but on the other hand if the nice couple from out of the box ran for joint prime minister i’d be pretty hype about it. out of the box doot doot out of the box.

pinky wants his show name to be “big ears.”

brain is more into the idea of being The Iconoclast, an Unconventional Eccentric Who Marches To A Different Drummer. privately that sounds like every single half-bearded nerd man at uni who basically accused me of having my boyfriend do all my coursework for me. does brain intend to hang around cardboard forbidden planet and tell the puppet girls that they don’t have the right to be into guardians of the galaxy? is brain going to be passive aggressive about that 2:2 i got in sculpting and rigging, thomas?????

“oh. i thought maybe you could be noodle noggin.”

we then cut to the studio, where the Fat Ceo Man wants the puppeteer to come up with new puppet characters for the next show. unfortunately, the next show is in three minutes, so he’s not very happy.

good thing he gets this suspicious package in the mail, eh?

as expected, it’s full of mice.

“oh my gosh!” cries our man, who has never seen a mouse before, apparently. “talking puppets!”

“actually we are two laboratory mice who wish to be on your show as part of an intricate plan to take over the world.”

“oh, wow, these are really good.”

so the boys make it on! they probably gave mr puppet man a religious experience, but we don’t see him again, so it’s fine.

“hold it, meany! everyone must meet our two new friends! this is big ears! take a bow, big ears!”

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

“and i am the iconoclast, an unconventional eccentric who marches to a different drummer--”

“but you may call me noodle noggin.”

you can’t see it very well in the last image, because uncle albert’s calender is in the way, but this is basically every episode. big ears says something, noodle noggin says something else that’s slightly more pretentious, meany hits him with a big stick.

everyone fucking loves it.

(fuck me. i never actually looked at this screencap close up before. why is pinky in a mousetrap?? why does it have their real names on it???? and why the FUCK do i not have a little brain toy in his own tiny wagon??? hello??? socialist police????)

unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, and all projects with talking mice in it must be cancelled absurdly early. and an elmyra reboot of big ears and noodle noggin would be pointless, because brain already gets hit on the head in every episode, so eventually brain has to make the announcement.

“this program has been our last show.” he just sort of... says it, and you can tell pinky definitely wasn’t expecting it. he looks genuinely sad.

but not as sad as the children. even mousetrap pinky looks distraught.

the mice don’t care, obviously, and waste no time in jetting back to the Studio Fridge to activate their cryonic chamber, where pinky makes a very interesting point.

“but brain, why are we freezing ourselves at the height of our popularity?

“to stay fresh in their memory, pinky. we must, to paraphrase milton berle, ‘leave them wanting more’. i’ll see you in the future, pinky.”

there are no good frames for that portion of dialogue but whatever! let’s see how well that goes for them.

conclusion:

so the first thing the boys do upon waking up from ice and dust is to broadcast themselves on tv. “remember me?” asks brain. “it’s your old pal, the iconoclast.”

“and his old pal! zort! big ears!”

it’s very cute.

unfortunately these people are less impressed. they just sort of point, in a scary way. brain invites them all down to the tv station to “shower us in praise and material gifts,” and waits for the fans’ inevitable arrival.

“at last, we can write our own ticket, pinky. no longer in glorious suffering.” alright, hubert von vestra! calm down.

which is when the fans show up. hopefully the fact that they are all morbidly obese is like... coincidental, or to show off the fact that they’re all wearing kid tshirts, right? surely pinky and the brain wouldn’t tell me, a disabled person, that fat people are Bad And Losers? surely not.

“at last, my public has come to shower me with gifts.”

“guess again, noodle noggin!”

“huh.”

“you abandoned us!” cries the crowd. “you went away! you ruined our lives!” as brain tries to grapple with the fact that they are not, in fact, worshipping his image (and uploading pictures of him in the garden of mindy dress to e621) they present him with inordinately expensive therapy bills, because america be that way.

“PAY EM.” yells a gruff man with terrible facial hair. pinky and brain decide they would rather not.

honestly, i’m going to have to give this one to brain. sorry, brain. pinky did make the point earlier, and maybe if brain had thought about it, they might have been able to edit the plan a little and have things work out differently?

or maybe he was just tired of getting hit on the head all the time. ask pinky about that one, b.

brain: 3 pinky: 3 outside influence: 5

“quickly, pinky, we have work to do.”

“you mean taking over the world?”

“no. like finding a good hiding place.”

[xseamus]

⧼  jordan fisher, cismale, he/him   /   KODACHROME by PAUL SIMON + that part of your left eyebrow that never quite grew back after you-know-what, and that singed corner in your apartment that you swore you would clean up but still haven’t gotten around to, and the scorching memories of times you’d rather forget, but still they stay, just like the scar on your brow and the burn in your home. hugging your friends so tight it’s almost too hard to breathe, and even then only letting go when they ask you over and over again. singing and dancing and drinking and causing a ruckus, until the night grows old and there’s hardly anyone left, so you’re left chatting with a warm drink in your hand until finally, finally, you need to sleep.   ⧽   ━━   hey, isn’t that SEAMUS FINNIGAN? i read a daily prophet article on them, once ; the 24 year old [ half blood ] WIZARD is a [ GRYFFINDOR alumnus who has gone on to be a QUIDDITCH COMMENTATOR. ]. i’ve heard they can be quite LIVELY & DETERMINED, but i don’t know… they came off very IMMATURE & HEADSTRONG in that interview. it really is hard to know what to believe these days though, isn’t it?   

hello everyone!!! i’m cas, i’m so excited to be here and write with you all! for the RECORD, this is my first ever golden-trio rp, and therefore my first everrrrr time writing dear seamus, so this is gonna be a fun journey!!!!! pls bear with me while i figure him out <3 (also, i guarantee u i’m gonna forget about the irish accent constantly while i write, so pls use ur imaginations djgkdjgfksdg)

i’ll set y’all up with the classic: “me dad’s a muggle, mam’s a witch. bit of a nasty shock for him when he found out.”

so yup, he’s a half-blood! from good ol’ kenmare, ireland, where his father lived most his life - he met seamus’ mother in america on a business trip, and they quickly fell in love. she moved to ireland to live with him, and the rest, as they say, is history. 

she did forget to mention she was a witch until long after they were married and seamus was born, when he first started showing signs of magic by accidentally turning the cat pink, crying, and turning half the carpet the same ugly shade of pink - in that order. 

seamus was is hm.... how 2 say this simply..... a chaotic child. finally turning 11 and getting his hogwarts letter was a big sigh of relief for his parents, who loved him very much but were very excited to finally have some peace and quiet in the household!!!

seamus was equally as excited - the muggle school he was enrolled in was boring, and while he had a decent amount of friends from taking up the title of “class clown,” this paired with the occasional bout of accidental magic got him into a decent amount of trouble. 

some of his favorite things about his time at hogwarts, in no particular order: DADA classes, hogsmeade trips, dean thomas, quidditch games, the rest of his friends, gryffindor parties, great hall feasts.

some of his least favorite things about his time at hogwarts, in no particular order: realizing that he wasn’t that special because now everybody else could do magic too (and many of them were better than him at it), potions classes, quidditch tryouts, most slytherins (he’s a biased lad, what can he say). 

when shit got real, to put it lightly, seamus didn’t want to believe any of it. he was kind of a brat at first (i say as if he still isn’t a big brat constantly), refusing to believe that you-know-who was back and that war was at their doorstep. he argued with his classmates about it constantly, until finally the truth was undeniable and he allowed himself to be dragged (see: he asked if he could come) to the dumbledore’s army meetings. 

and then seventh year, his mom almost didn’t allow him to return to hogwarts because of how bad everything had gotten. she reminded him that he was still just a half blood, and even if things were okay for them at the time, there was no guarantee it would stay that way.

seamus did a lot of growing up that year (better late than never), fully investing in dumbledore’s army and helping the younger students deal with everything going on, all of it culminating with the battle of hogwarts 

the battle of hogwarts was chaotic, hard to place any specific thing - a cacophony of flashing lights and shouting and people falling around him. he remembers three things: 1) blowing up the bridge (while the battle itself could obviously not be described as anything close to fun..... come on, that was pretty great), 2) learning his corporeal patronus was a fox (nice), and 3) watching a curse come at him straight from you-know-who’s wand, only to be blocked by harry potter. 

after all of that, well, it was just a matter of picking up the pieces, wasn’t it? he helped fix up hogwarts where he could, spent some time at home with his parents, and sorted things out. he didn’t ever really give himself time to think about the events of his last year at hogwarts, because he didn’t want to think about it. he still doesn’t ever really talk about it; we love repression, babey! 

after a bit of time at home he decided to move to a very cheap apartment in london bc he wanted to experience the Big City:tm:, where he quickly got a job as a quidditch commentator with [insert generic news station here, cas is tired] which he absolutely fell in love with. he gets to travel to quidditch games all over europe - and the globe during world cup season - and he’s quick to tell people he’s famous in the sports world (hardly true, but some people recognizing his name has gone to his head). in the quidditch off-season (and during some messy overlap), he’s a muggle sports commentator, mostly sticking to tennis. 

he’s a bit of a mess but he’s got a heart of gold, sometimes he just needs a lil shoving in the right direction. he loves his friends & his family more than life itSELF and he’ll do anything (see: anything) for ‘em. unless they do something to piss him off, then they get approx. 1-2 weeks of The Seamus-Free Zone before he drops his grudge and all returns to normal

i’m getting out of control so i’m ending it here but pls plot with me and vibe with seamus thank u the end <3

potential connections:

FIRST OFF i’m down for L I T E R A L L Y anything so if you think lil seamus over here might fit a wanted connection you have PLEASE lmk bc i’d love to do anythingggggg

an ex or two, spicy spicy (seamus is bi so the possibilities are endless, as the kids say)

a roommate (oh my god they were roommates; seamus does like hosting get togethers at their place so they’ll either be chill w/ it and enjoy the parties orrrrr they think seamus is the worst roommate ever)

friendsssss gimme friends of all types for this lad 

enemiessss, seamus is v hotheaded & it’s easy for people to get on his nerves, but it’s also very easy for him to get on other people’s nerves

fellow quidditch fans, he does give out his spare press tickets like candy, feel free to take him up on that offer 

and more! endless possibilities 

lil fun things:

he’s a big mama’s boy, 10,000%, loves his mom so frickin’ much 

in the world of sports commentary, he’s quite popular among younger fans because he’s extremely biased in quite a comedic way, and he’s gathered quite a decent following for being “that funny sports reporter” (which is, yes, his full instagram bio). he’s always put on for a bit of lighthearted fun, it’s rare that he does any extremely serious commentating, but that’s the way he likes it. 

his favorite local team is the Kenmare Kestrals and he’ll never say a bad word about them during games, no matter how bad they play, and during world cup season he obviously always supports ireland. if they don’t make it to the final he nonstop makes quips along the lines of “ireland could’ve done that play better, but we’ll let it slide”

has a french bulldog named gregory, gregory also has an instagram account and has more followers than seamus, don’t bring it up

hosts "small get togethers” (see: parties) in his apartment quite often, thank U silencing charms

good god he’s so very clumsy and is constantly hurting himself (and accidentally setting things ablaze, he doesn’t know how it still happens but it ALWAYS HAPPENS) pls help him

[4x0hxnxroll]

—    BASICS :      EMILY  DAVIS.

▸     IS    YOUR    MUSE    TALL    /    SHORT    /    AVERAGE ? :      Emily is on the shorter end of the spectrum. Without shoes, she stands at a measly 5′1″.  Depending on stilettos/boots she can range anywhere from 5′1″ -  5′6″. 

▸   ARE    THEY    OKAY    WITH    THEIR    HEIGHT ? :     Absolutely NOT. When she was younger, (Age 5-9), Emily dreamed of being a model when she grew up. A lot of her time as a child was spent shopping with her mother. Playing dress-up. Studying expensive brands/labels/designers. & Watching America's Next Top Model. (& Canada's Next Top Model). Her mother is young, & pretty, & skinny, & TALL, & blonde. (Albeit bottle blonde). She was everything Emily aspired to be when she got older. Around age 13 she realized just how ILLOGICAL & IDEALISTIC that dream was.

▸  WHAT’S    THEIR    HAIR    LIKE ? :     Short/Medium length. Black. Thin. Super soft. Naturally straight, but she still straightens it. Professionally cut.

▸ DO    THEY    SPEND    A    LOT    OF    TIME    ON    THEIR    HAIR     /    GROOMING ? :     YES 100% --- Almost every waking moment of the day for Emily is spent worrying about her physical appearance. She has a morning routine that involves a LONG shower/bath, thoroughly brushing her teeth & using whitening strips, & then a MINIMUM of 2 hours on hair & makeup. Her nighttime routine includes a skin-care face mask, preparing her outfit for the next day, removing her makeup, touching up her nails, & brushing her teeth again. She also gets manicures biweekly & a Brazilian wax every month.

▸  DOES   YOUR   MUSE   CARE   ABOUT   THEIR   APPEARANCE   /   WHAT    OTHERS    THINK ? :     Her appearance is the MOST IMPORTANT thing to her. Followed closely by her grades/intelligence. & The only thing that makes it higher on the list, IS how much she CARES about what others think of her looks --- It requires a lot more EFFORT to keep up. Intelligence comes EASIER for her. Girl has a near-genius level IQ. & Her father’s vigorous (& brutal) study-sessions have kept her on top of her game. Also helps that most of her friends are IDIOTS (In her opinion) & she’s never met someone smarter than her. She’s met hundreds of people prettier than her. (Again in her opinion) & She genuinely finds herself UNATTRACTIVE. 

—    PREFERENCES.

INDOORS    OR    OUTDOORS ? ▸ Indoors. Air-conditioned. With electricity. & No bugs. Or creepy critters of any kind. Emily doesn’t like nature. & She’s disgusted by bugs --- So better be prepared for a lot of complaining if you wanna go camping with her or some shit lol.

RAIN    OR    SUNSHINE ? ▸ Sunshine. California is her favorite place in the world.

FOREST    OR    BEACH ? ▸ Beach. She doesn’t usually swim, though. Just lazes around & sunbathes. 

PRECIOUS    METALS     OR    GEMS ? ▸ Gems. Bigger/more expensive, the better.

FLOWERS   OR   PERFUMES ? ▸ Perfume. CHANEL.  

PERSONALITY    OR    APPEARANCE ? ▸ Personality. Especially Post;Game. She’s done with friendships based in shallowness. That said, she’ll ALWAYS appreciate (& envy) a physically attractive human. 

BEING    ALONE    OR    BEING    IN    A    CROWD ? ▸ Depends on the day & the crowd. Pre;Game - Crowds. Post;Game - Alone. 

ORDER   OR    ANARCHY ? ▸ Order. 

PAINFUL    TRUTHS    OR     WHITE    LIES ? ▸ Painful Truths. Don’t lie to her. Period.

SCIENCE   OR    MAGIC ? ▸ Science. (She doesn’t believe in magic & thinks it’s stupid).

PEACE    OR    CONFLICT ? ▸ Peace. (Conflict does follow her though, considering her personality).

NIGHT    OR    DAY ? ▸ Night.

DUSK    OR    DAWN ? ▸ Dawn. lol.

WARMTH    OR    COLD ? ▸ Warmth.

MANY   ACQUAINTANCES    OR    A    FEW   CLOSE   FRIENDS ? ▸ Pre;Game - Many Acquaintances. Post;Game - She just wants ONE real friend/Significant other tbh. She’s pretty sick of people.

READING    OR    PLAYING    A    GAME ? Reading.

—    QUESTIONNAIRE.

▸      WHAT    ARE    SOME    OF    YOUR    MUSE’S    BAD    HABITS ? :     That’s gonna be a long list lol. I’d say her WORST habit is projection & displaced aggression. Other bad habits include; Drinking, swearing, no censor/ability to lie for other people’s sake, complaining, whining, being materialistic, selfish, avoiding food/skipping meals out of fear she will get fat, scratching her arms, emotional shopping, craving validation, obsessively checking her phone, talking to herself, setting impossible expectations for herself & others, compulsively checking her makeup/clothes, interrupting people, running on empty, & probably a lot more tbh.

▸   HAS    YOUR    MUSE    LOST    ANYONE    CLOSE    TO    THEM ?      HOW    HAS    IT    AFFECTED THEM ? :     I usually default to Emily being sole-survivor of Until Dawn, so she loses EVERYONE in that case. However, regardless of if everyone survives, or not, she loses Hannah & Beth & comes out of the events of Blackwood Mountain ALONE. She has severe PTSD from it & a lot of emotional baggage. Though, she thinks it is illogical & a waste of time to dwell on it. (Her father’s words) & So she spends most of her time trying to bury & suppress it.

▸   WHAT    ARE    SOME    FOND    MEMORIES    YOUR    MUSE    HAS ? :      Honestly? She doesn’t have a lot of fond memories. Most of her best times in life have been tainted by BETRAYAL. A lot of her funnest moments in High School involved Mike or Jess & well, yeah. & Anything with her mother before the age of 12 has been tarnished by how the woman started treating her after those years. Most of her best “memories” would be THINGS she bought probably. (Or things bought for her). 

▸   IS    IT    EASY    FOR    YOUR    MUSE    TO    KILL ? :     No. It’s not necessarily a moral dilemma for her, but she would prefer to keep people alive at all costs. Depending on situation she could be swayed if they were A THREAT. But, she’d still usually prefer to just capture/tie up someone/turn them into the police > murder. (If possible). That said, if she’s been PERSONALLY BETRAYED by the individual, she will HAPPILY leave them to die/put them in harms way > herself at least.

▸   WHAT’S    IT    LIKE    WHEN    YOUR    MUSE    BREAKS    DOWN ? :     Pure unadulterated RAGE. She won’t physically attack someone, unless they are to blame & approach her, then she will slap them silly. (Via Ashley in the bite scene). But she WILL become hostile & pick them apart. Usually, when it gets this bad, Emily just tries to TAKE SPACE for herself & AVOID PEOPLE. For the sake of everyone. If she’s in a relationship with someone & gets emotional, she’ll lock herself in the bathroom & sit in the corner of the shower & just CRY under the water. (She also does this at home when her dad makes her feel worthless). It would take someone she is VERY COMFORTABLE WITH/TRUSTS to cry in front of them, or allow them to comfort her.

▸  IS    YOUR    MUSE    CAPABLE    OF  TRUSTING  SOMEONE WITH  THEIR LIFE ? :     She’ll usually require proof. Even if she says she trusts someone with her life. Especially Post;Game since Matt left her to die & Mike almost killed her. (For my Emily). She’d want to see ACTION. Not just WORDS.

▸ WHAT’S  YOUR  MUSE  LIKE  WHEN  THEY’RE  IN LOVE ? :     Canonically, I don’t think Emily has ever been in TRUE LOVE. Though, she thinks her relationship with Michael was love. That said, she’s EMOTIONALLY INEPT. & While she craves affection, she’s also very guarded & scared of it. I think at first she’d probably try to buy them lots of stuff & hope that it showed how much she cared. She’d also take interest in their THINGS. Say, if they had a favorite band, she’d buy them VIP tickets to see them/meet them. (Even if she hates their music). Eventually, she’d grow to feel comfortable with cuddling/hand-holding etc. But it would TAKE TIME. 

TAGGED  BY : @judesowndaughter​ (Thanks! :)) Really loved reading yours <3)

TAGGING : Just steal it y’all. 

[bbbarneswrites]

Be With You

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Steve and Natasha had been setting Bucky in date after date. Little did they know that the man had his eye on you for a while now. Genre: Romance/fluff Rating: T Warnings: Swearings, make-out sessions 4,741 words

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Notes: @brandybucky, you requested this fic in freaking 2016 if I’m not wrong and there hasn’t been a day where I didn’t think about it, LMAO. I don’t even have an excuse for how long I took (I bet you don’t even remember about this) but I seriously wrote more than 10 drafts for this and it was never enough for me. I just love the idea so much that I couldn’t let it go. Imagine my surprise when I finally got something that was at least decent. ANYWAY, I hope you like it (and forgive my sorry ass). TO Y’ALL, one more black!reader fic to the list and hopefully more to come! For this fic you can listen to Better Man by Leon Brigdes (it’s his concert that they go to) and She’s Mine Pt. 1 by J. Cole. Happy reading! <3

You’ve got the brightest eyes, smooth brown skin, hair that his fingers itch to touch and a smile that can easily brighten up his day and yet, back in his time, you'd be forbidden for him. Bucky sure misses a lot of things from the 40s but not being able to show off his girls is not one of them. He remembers it as clear as day – all the times he had to hide his relationships, deny them for his partner's own safety. No dates, no dances, no casual day-outs otherwise they'd be frowned and bullied upon. And he sure remembers them.

Jo, the girl he met down at the docks, absolutely hated staying cooped up in his place instead of going out and she hated that her fight wasn't enough to stop all the harassment they got.

Michelle from his usual diner was quiet and so shy that he wasn't sure what to do when it came to their relationship and he was often scared of hurting her because of that. It didn’t take much time until she decided to call it quits. 

Leslie patched Steve up sometimes and had her own way to deal with the situation – she liked him but it seemed like she knew nothing would come out of the relationship with the situation they lived in.

He loved all of his girls but they all had brief, short lived passages through his life due to other people’s judgements and discrimination. It was hard to live being constantly harassed, having a burden on your back that wasn't even meant to be there in the first place.

He’s pleased to know that the 21st century isn’t like that anymore – or sort of isn’t. 

Women own their own bodies and fight everyday for their rights now, LGBT couples are allowed to marry their loved ones and black people are finally free from the segregation that took place back in his day, becoming more engaging than ever.

But even so, there's still judgement, occasional dirty looks and mean words. There's still closed-minded people, narcissism and prejudice and privilege and his girl deserves nothing like that. He knows that you can crush the world beneath your feet if you want to so he tries to not care about them unless they're up for a confrontation. Nothing can hold him back now. His girl has the brightest eyes, the smoothest brown skin, hair that makes his fingers itch to touch and a smile that brighten up all of his days. And so he makes damn sure to show you off in all chances he's got – especially by doing all the things he couldn't back then. 

It happens for the first time when you have your first date in a little burrito shop in Hell’s Kitchen that you insisted in going, even if with his failed attempt of convincing you to go somewhere classier. 

That’s the first of the many differences from his previous dates. 

Bucky always had to look at his best for the dates Steve and Natasha set for him. Impeccable clothes, neat hair and a sharp mindset because the places were always classy and expensive and in the nicest are of the city. 

You deserve all that and more but he can’t deny it’s a nice surprise to have this, to not be uncomfortable in his own skin for once, not having to live up to any expectations his appearence might give out. 

It’s a nice surprise to just be with you in a random park spot, your drinks perched in a cut tree log as you sit on the grass and talk about everything between bites of your burritos. It’s a nice surprise to have you so comfortable around him, your thighs brushing against his own as you stay side by side. 

It’s nice to know that you know him, not whatever image he has to put up with the dates he’s used to. 

And Bucky can only guess his light demeanor is noticeable given you jump right into the dating topic about an hour into your talk. 

“Okay, I gotta ask though...” You smile cheekily after swallowing the last bite of your burrito, biting your lower lip when he nods for you to continue. “What made you call me on a date?” 

Bucky frowns confusedly, trying to look as collected as he could before asking, “What do you mean?” 

He watches as you sigh curtly, giving him a pointed look that he almost smirks at. He knows exactly what you’re talking about but he doesn’t feel like sharing the miserable details of his dating life just yet. 

“It’s just– I’ve seen your dates before, Bucky.” You roll your eyes playfully, making a funny face and letting out a short laugh when Bucky raises his eyebrows. “They’re definitely not like me. They just kinda look like...I don’t know. I didn’t think I’d be your type.” 

His dates. Ever since he got back in America and sorted out whatever mess he and Tony had, Bucky started living in the Avengers tower. Ever since he got back, Steve and Natasha had been insisting for him to test waters, get back into the dating game as a way to ease in into the modern world. 

Ever since he got back, he’s been set up with girls he didn’t want to or have interest in – all because his eyes had been on you since his very first day in the tower. 

Bucky doesn’t really want to admit the story behind his dates but hearing you say that you aren’t his type is more than enough to push him to tell the truth. 

“That’s Steve and Natasha’s fault.” Bucky feels his cheeks warm up at the admission, shrugging as nonchalantly as he can as you frown in confusion. “They made me this account on this...dating app thing. It’s not bad but the dates weren’t that good.” 

“A dating app? Like Tinder?” You ask in mild shock, your mouth hanging open for a moment until you chuckle in amusement. “Ok, wow. Finding out that Black Widow and Captain America are on Tinder was not part of today’s plans.” 

Bucky lets out a short laugh as he runs his fingers through his hair nervously, building up the nerve to speak up his next words and secretly wishing he still was as good with words as his younger self. 

“I actually wanted to ask you out for a while now.” He admits, feeling unusually shy as he watches your lips curve into a smug grin, your tongue right between your teeth. “That might be one of the reasons the other dates didn’t work out.” 

You shift around your seat, turning your body to his side so that he can feel the fabric of your fluffy top brushing against his flesh arm. As you hook one of your legs under his, Bucky places his arm right around your waist, his fingers brushing against your jeans clad hip and making him feel like a high school boy with a crush all over again. 

“Why didn’t you? I’d have said yes, that’s for sure.” You tilt your head to the side, still grinning smugly as Bucky lets out a small laugh and squeezes your hip fondly. “I might have had my eyes on you for some time now?” 

Bucky couldn’t help but feel his chest warm up at your words. 

Knowing that you worked at tower for Tony was one of the reasons why he took so long to finally ask you out, afraid that he could potentially jeopardize your job by doing so. His own insecurities were next on the list because honestly, he wasn’t the easiest man to deal with from time to time. 

But now hearing that you also were out there for him makes everything worth it. 

“Didn’t know if it was safe, doll.” Bucky replies hesitantly, seriousness now lacing his voice and features as you make a sour face once he continues. “Things weren’t easy for your folks back then. I just didn’t want to risk everything again.” 

“Ugh, I get that. Things aren’t perfect but they’re a bit better even if we have a Cheeto for a president.” You grimace playfully before tilting your chin up at him, feeling his breath mixing with yours as he looks down at you. “But we can definitely date now. And so, I’m in charge of what we’re going to do next.” 

The gloomy mood from the conversation immediately fades once you smile cheekily at him, your lower lip caught between your teeth as you lean closer to the point where your noses are almost touching and your lips are just inches away. 

Bucky feels like his heart might burst out of his chest because yeah, you can definitely date now. 

“Are you now?” He teases, his lips curving into a smirk and fingers brushing the exposed skin between your top and jeans as you raise your eyebrows challengingly. “Should I be scared?” 

And also because of the light touch of your lips on his before you pull back with a little grin and finally reply– 

“Only if you can’t keep up.”

Your dates come and go and Bucky couldn't be feeling better about everything. For the fifth one, you buy tickets for a special music concert of one of your favorite artists and Bucky can't say he isn't surprised at how lightly he takes the idea.  He's been back for a while now, his triggers words have been removed and his mind is slowly getting pieced back together but he still has a lot of issues to deal with. In any other time, going to an overcrowded place would set his nerves on fire at the mere thought of it. 

But as you bring it up one day as he meets you in one of the corridors of the tower, he just feels eager for the night to come. Truth to your word, the night and the concert are both amazing. The rhythm of the songs are familiar and though it leaves him a bit nostalgic sometimes, Bucky feels as comfortable and in place like back in the day. Your presence is soothing and he can't help but marvel at how pretty you look, hair brought in two cute buns and make-up looking as beautiful as ever.  It's a night where Bucky allows himself to just forget the shitload that is his past and try to be that guy again – except that now he's got his girl with him and nothing could be better than that. Song after song, he revels on the way that you freely sing the lyrics, the way you smile at him when he makes a comment about the crazy bassist on the band, the way you openly kiss his cheek and tighten his arms around your waist by pulling him closer, the way you playfully run your fingers through his hair. 

He revels that you both can do all that now, that you're safe despite the shit he grew up with.  Once the concert is over, you drag him all the way to a little hidden pizzeria in Brooklyn while vehemently claiming it's the best pizza you've gotten in your life. The place isn't too big and isn't too crowded but you both opt for a quiet little corner booth in the back of the room, taking a seat on each side of the table before entertaining yourselves with the ridiculous amount of pizza flavors on the menu. It doesn't take much until you choose yours (triple cheese with lots of oregano) and Bucky chooses his (meat and also lots of cheese) and you're falling into a playful conversation to wait on your orders. "So, how was it?" You cross your arms over the table and playfully squint your eyes at him, a closed smile curving your lips briefly. "Your first music concert in the 21st century?" "It was good. Familiar." Bucky grins boyishly, his blue gaze firmly locked with yours as he shrugs non-commitedly. "Company wasn't so bad either." "Flattery will get you nowhere and everywhere, Sergeant." You wink at him and hold back a giddy smile when he laughs in return. "Did you enjoy the music?" Bucky nods and immediately places both arms on the table, mirroring your pose as he leans forward to you with mischief written all over his face. "I did. It's an improvement from all that crap you got on radio nowadays." "Your old age is showing, grandpa." You joke with a flick of your tongue before leaning over the table like him, mocked worry now replacing the teasing in your voice. "Well, I'm glad. I wasn't sure if this was your type of thing, so..." "What's that supposed to mean?" Bucky asks with a frown, though the amusement is clear on his face by the way he holds back a smirk when you shrug. "What's my type of thing then?" "Corny country, maybe?" You feign innocence as you reply, soon breaking into laughter at the weird face he makes at your choice of style. "Hey, come on. A few songs are kinda decent if you squint." You reach out a hand to playfully swat at his forearm with your teasing but his prosthetic hand catches it midway as he gently wraps his fingers around your wrist, fingertips brushing against your skin before you interlace your fingers together. "You're lucky I like you, doll." Unbeknownst to Bucky, his words nearly makes your heart skip a beat and you can barely contain your love striked face as the waiter arrives with your orders, thankfully (or not) giving you both something to occupy yourselves after the sudden heartfelt moment. Bucky tries to not overthink his actions for once and keeps the conversation rolling as best as he can while you gush about how good your pizza is time and time again. He doesn't mind it much– Even because it earns him a very generous piece delivered directly to his mouth from you so he can't complain. Once you're finished and the night is almost coming to an end, Bucky feels like a changed man. Or in the very least, a prospect of a changed man. Not only because of the pizza (it was that good as you promised) but also because of the comfortableness he's feeling. 

On being with you, on being himself, on trying to bring back flickers of his old self that he swore it was gone.  He finally feels like he's balanced between the two lives he lead, balanced enough to start considering making this his third attempt with you by his side. As the waiter gathers your plates and leave with the promise of coming back with your check, you both realize that maybe this is the end of another of your dates but hopefully it's the start of something else. "Can we call this one date a success?" You ask coyly, resting your chin on your hand as you smile mischievously at him. "Because I think we can. You stand-spooned me the whole concert and you liked the songs." "I think we can, yeah." Bucky shoots you a half grin before frowning in mocked disappointment, though his tone of voice is still as teasingly as ever. "We're missing this one thing, though." You immediately raise your eyebrows, getting into his game by feigning confusion at his little smirk. "Oh? I wonder what that is?" Before his mind can make him second guess, Bucky leans over the small table and crashes his lips against yours, his flesh hand gently cupping your jaw as his thumb brushes softly against your warm cheekbones. He can feel you smile against his mouth before you pull back for a moment, diving into it again after a moment and raising your hand to rest at the base of his neck, fingertips scratching at his short beard. Neither of you mind the rather uncomfortable position, losing yourselves with each other until the waiter comes back with the check and interrupts the moment with an embarrassed clear of throat. Bucky can't help but smile as he senses your hesitancy on pulling back, downright loving the short pecks you keep giving him before you decide to back away for good. Even so, your hand still stays at the base of his neck and he can't help but press a kiss to your palm when you lovingly cup his cheek.  Your next words makes him laugh but also makes him feel like the luckiest bastard in the world. "You, Bucky Barnes, are the best white boy on Earth and I'm keeping you." He doesn't say anything in that moment but Bucky is beyond glad to be yours if you want it.

It’s been two months since you both started seeing each other when you playfully remark your next date is going to be your fifteenth date. 

Though you’re past the formalities and pretences of a usual date, Bucky actually enjoys all the opportunities he’s got to just let himself unwind and be with you whenever and wherever you want. 

It’s fun and never too usual and Bucky is always surprised to rediscover a piece of himself with you. 

There hasn’t been an official proposal but calling you his girlfriend and hearing you call him boyfriend might be one of the best things in life to him. 

Your plans for the anniversary date had been pretty tame with a reservation in a Nigerian restaurant you loved and a private night out club for a dance and drinks later. And Bucky was truly looking forward the said night, especially with a tough week of trainings and simulations. 

He most definitely isn’t expecting an impromptu mission to ruin it all. 

You react as lightly as ever at the news of your now cancelled night, rather pressing a firm kiss to his lips and demanding payback as soon as he got back. 

A week and half later and Bucky is standing in front of your door with a bag of takeout straight of your Nigerian place while his heart turns with a mix of feelings as soon as he sees you. Bedhair, little sweatshorts and a top that does little to hide the expense of your skin and keep him sane. 

And he swears he wants to have a nice night with you – it’s what you deserve after he blew your plans, it’s what he’s craving after another rough week. 

But Bucky knows you can feel that he needs more than just comfort food and idle talk. 

You don’t say anything as you place the bag of food on your kitchen’s counter and lead him to the bathroom, feeling his gaze on your frame as you fill up the tub with warm water and throw in one of your cute bathbombs inside. 

He doesn’t say anything as you start to undress him, your fingers smartly undoing the zippers and buckles from his tactical uniform before peeling off your own clothes. But before you can step into the tub, Bucky moves behind you and gets inside first, reaching out his hand to you once he’s settled in. 

Your comfort is always something he welcomes without any doubt but today he just needs to hold you for a few hours before moving on to something else. 

With your back against his chest, head on his shoulder, legs right between his and arms interlaced over your belly, Bucky finally feels home. 

It makes his heart skip a beat the way you know exactly how he feels, your next words taking a weight off his shoulders he didn’t even realize it was there. 

“I have a feeling you don’t really want to talk about your week so we’re both ignoring that for now, okay?” You break the silence with your soft whisper, your fingertips drawing random patterns on his hands as he nods quietly. “Okay. Tell me how you got Azi to make you a takeout meal when he doesn’t do that for anyone.”

Bucky smiles fondly at the mention of the Nigerian chef who had become very welcoming and solicitous in the very second Bucky brought your name up, asking for help to make up for your lost date at the restaurant. 

“All I did was mention your name.” Bucky chuckled lightly in amusement, his lips pressing a small kiss at the back of your neck as you hum contently. “I think he has a soft spot for you.” 

You turn your head around to face him, a teasing smile playing on your lips that only makes him want to take you there and then. 

“Everybody’s got a soft spot for me.” You shrug playfully with your lingering grin, settling back against his chest again with a little sigh. “Didn’t he...ask anything? Like who you were or something?” 

“Told him I was your boyfriend trying to surprise you.” Bucky replies with a smirk, the familiar teasing tone lacing his voice again. “He actually seemed surprised.” 

You only snicker in reply before reaching out to one of your loofahs, drowning it with your favorite honey shower gel and turning your body around his hold to start washing his skin as slowly and carefully as you can. 

The warm water feels good and so does the fluffy feeling of the loofah running through his chest.

But Bucky can safely say the cure of all his homesickness and heartbreak is you looking like a vision before him with your soaked and bare skin all on display just for him. 

He doesn’t even try to hide delight as you drop the loofah and lean over him, legs tucked between his own as your chests are pressed together. With your arms around his neck and his hands resting low on your hips, you press a slow kiss to his lips with a question on the tip of your tongue. 

“Did you ever had another black girlfriend?” You ask with a small smile, resting your chin against his collarbones as you look up at him. “Besides me, obviously. Back in your day.”

The memories from his younger days come back to him in a rush and Bucky can’t help but feel relieved that he’s there now – in a time where he can just be with you despite the occasional bumps on the road.

“Three of them.” Bucky lets out a heavy breath before shaking his head wistfully, hands tightening around your hips as he continues. “We couldn’t go out or be seen together. It always drained both of us until we just had to end things. And that’s not even the worse of it.”

With a hum of understanding, you slide your hands to the back of his neck where your fingertips keeps drawing soothing circles to his skin and hair scalp.

“That’s why you took so long to ask me out.” You guess, instantly frowning in dejection when Bucky nods in a silent reply. “It still isn’t easy. Some days I feel like things are getting better...but then there’s the harsh days.”

Bucky feels his chest flare up with a new purpose at your heartbroken little smile, his arms bringing your frame closer to him as he tightened his old around your waist. 

Your noses are just mere inches away when he firmly cups your jaw with his left hand, his blue eyes set with your own as you bite your lip in anticipation.

Not that it prepares you for his next words, neither how determined he looks.

“I’ve got your back in this.” Bucky murmurs decidedly against your mouth, his lips brushing with yours as you bump your nose against his with a smile. “For the rest of my life, for whenever you need. I mean it.”

He nearly doesn’t see it coming when you push him against the back of the tub, your lips eagerly meeting with his until you pull away in a breathless bliss and–

“I love you.”

Words that Bucky reciprocates over and over when he’s got you on the bed later that night with your legs over his shoulders and your sweet moans filling the room.

Bucky stretches his torso lazily on the bed, a low groan escaping his mouth as he feels the soothing heat from the morning sunlight filling up the hotel room you’re spending the weekend at.  Glimpses from the previous night fill up his mind immediately and he can't help but grin dumbly to himself before glancing over to his side, where you’re comfortably tucked beside him and looking as gorgeous as ever even deeply asleep.  He's one hundred percent sure you're a damn vision that he'll never get tired of admiring.  You've got his left arm under your body, curled around your frame as his hand rests on the curve of your hip.

Bucky secretly loves to trace his fingers from your hips and down to your thighs, trailing through your skin marks and spots even though you don't particularly like them. Your brown skin is a contrast to the usual plain white sheets and he relishes on the way your legs tangle around the fabric.

The messy bedhead is his favorite thing ever and even though your hair tickle his neck when you move, the sweet smell that lingers after is good enough for him.  You feel warm and soft and it makes his chest flutter with feelings he didn't even know he could feel five years ago. He can’t get over how much you feel like home to him.

Especially when you wake up just as lazily, body stretching up and scooting next to his own as your lips make its way to his neck and jaw, soothing the fresh lovebites you'd left on his skin just a few hours ago.

Bucky can feel your grin against his neck and it makes him hum contently, arms shifting to wrap up your frame completely and lift you up to his top completely. As soon as you've got your thighs on each side of his hips and hands shimming down his naked chest, Bucky's just gone. And he might think he's in heaven when your lips touch his, your bare skin rubbing so softly against his own that he almost feels drunk.

No panties, no bras, no boxers, nothing but your morning wake-up call make out session. Bucky almost whimpers when you break the kiss and sit up straight on his lap, gathering the sheets around your chest fully knowing he'd try and sneak in a touch or two if you let your body completely exposed. "I think I might be in Heaven." Bucky breaks the silence, his hands sneaking under the sheets and sliding through your thighs as you raise your eyebrows defiantly. "You just gotta be an angel baby doll, look at you."  You let out a laugh before leaning forward to him again, setting your elbows on his chest as his hands find home on the small of your exposed back, his fingers trailing up and down your skin. "You're such a sweet talker, Bucky Barnes. I don't even know how I fell in love with you." You say with a click of your tongue, watching as his lips grows into a grin before he miserably leans up to kiss you again. "I'm not kissing you. Not until you ring in some breakfast." Bucky smiles teasingly and quickly sits up on the bed, snaking an arm around your waist and the other under your bottom before lifiting both of you to stand in the middle of the room, a surprised squeak leaving your lips as you wrap your own arms tightly around his neck. "I’ve got a surprise for you first."

You don’t say anything as he walks out of the bedroom and heads to the living room, much less when you spot the coffee table set  with all kinds of fancy breakfast goodies just ready for you to dive in.

Bucky just smiles knowingly as he sits you on the couch and takes the seat next to yours almost giddily as if he’s up to something.

And even though you’re starving, your gaze can only focus on the small red box resting near a vase with a single sunflower inside. You don’t waste any second before throwing yourself against Bucky again, his sweet laugh filling the room as you kiss him over and over again, only stopping to scream–

“YES!”

[hellyeahrpmemes]

※ SHIT I HEARD AT COLLEGE ※

a thrilling saga of shit i’ve heard at college; these are all from my first semester of sophomore year. feel free to change names/pronouns/etc.! more ‘shit i heard/said’ starters!

“The porn industry is moving swimmingly.”

“We all need men. Go find them.”

“It’s not an opera, bitches, it’s a flight.”

“Don’t look! It makes their dick bigger!”

“I have my own place and I can light as many candles as I want.”

“I’m not a librarian, sir.”

“How’s your sack lunch, bitch?”

“Stab me in the ass and turn me into Kim Kardashian.”

“I stayed up another hour just to cry.”

“I just got a nude and I don’t know how to feel about it.”

“I’m gonna go stab my eyes out now.”

“We get it. You have a big truck and a small penis.”

“It’s an epidemic, Karter!”

“There’s no cups, so I’m using a bowl. To drink apple juice.”

“Fuck y’all, I’m eating Fruit Loops!��

“I don’t know my superhero name, but here I am with my can of Lysol and my plastic fork.”

“Your list of things to do includes making the best 2000s playlist of all time and fighting me at Cheesecake Factory.”

“This is borderline human abuse.”

“How do you feel about fluorescent lighting?”

“I’m sorry, I’m on a college budget, I’ll give you two nickels and a paper clip.”

“We couldn’t say hell, because… Catholic school problems.”

“I don’t want them to call me and be like, ‘we’re about to drill into your face!’”

“Ugh, yes, the hot TA, what club are you in?”

“My rat bastard dad? What about him?”

“I have an idea that I’m positive no other human has ever had: butter flavored ice cream.”

“I hate myself, but I’m funny, so…”

“This man loves puppies and he is not afraid to say it.”

“There’s just something about stale food that I really like.”

“I like how we’re watching our upcoming death on TV.”

“When I get wasted, I want to fight. It’s a problem.”

“My boyfriend got really drunk and started drinking nectar out of the hummingbird feeder.”

“He currently has a child.”

“That’s a good way of getting rid of a baby.”

“He can’t look at his dead parents or his alive children.”

“I can’t focus on reading, ‘cause I just wanna watch Drake and Josh.”

“My roommate loves manifestos. Especially the Communist Manifesto.”

“Have you studied his naked body or something?”

“Okay, we got our Greek tragic playwrights: there’s Sophocles… there’s Euripides… uh… Isosceles?”

“We’re so stupid we click things that say ‘click here for here’.”

“So there were just 95 loose pigs.”

“This is called shaming.”

“I can’t be the only person who says ‘meatballs and spaghetti’.”

“What could go wrong? …oh, shit, I’m on fire.”

“Don’t call Kourtney unless you wanna suck dick tonight.”

“There’s no one around. He’s talking to his dick.”

“Just ‘cause it’s Greek doesn’t mean it’s sophisticated.”

“I hate myself, but I hate her more.”

“I don’t know anything about it, but it has bread in the name, so I want to try it.”

“Just… don’t breathe this class.”

“Megan: secret crop top wearer.”

“I’m embracing my aesthetic while you’re embracing… Jon Hamm’s face.”

“What are we doing tonight besides homework? …and bread?”

“I’m witnessing a breakup right here in the Starbucks line.”

“I nominate Gushers as a snack suggestion, but, like, a lot of them. All of them.”

“I have a strong immune system.”

“I was so worked up about the bolo ties.”

“Also, I was wine drunk, so…”

“Does she hit him? I hope she hits him.”

“Only Matthew McConaughey drives Lincolns.”

“Oh, yeah, I’m totally a Republican… Pence is daddy…”

“After that… is the exact same thing… from a different angle.”

“All my life, I’ve been striving to be better than Kidz Bop.”

“Is ‘slaveitude’ a word?”

“Ted Bundy was attractive. People knew him.”

“I feel like whoever’s in charge of the Reese’s company is really high right now. Like, putting Reese’s inside of Reese’s.”

“One beer bottle on campus might be a problem, but if there’s 8, they’re props.”

“With elevators, it’s not claustrophobia. It’s that I don’t trust the government.”

“Headphones: in. World: out. Notes font: ugly.”

“You know that’s a felony, right?”

“That’s a… fourth or fifth impression kind of story.”

“That means she definitely fucked a member of Kiss.”

“I feel free, but also ugly.”

“This is my unassigned assigned seat, and if any of you take it, I will fight you.”

“I went to the Home Depot, bought a bunch of lights, put them up in the air, and said ‘this is art’.”

“Because I was a full New Yorker, I just kept walking.”

“We almost died, but our last meal would’ve been free, so…”

“What’s a funeral like in 2017? GIFs and memes.”

“I would like to thank not only God but also Tinder.”

“I sat through a 40 minute argument about how Justin Bieber started the Cold War.”

“I’m just walking down the hallway, thinking about ways to throw myself down the stairs and make it look like an accident.”

“Now, if it was Kidz Bop, I’d go see it.”

“Don’t name your kid Ethelwold.”

“Shoulders, chest, pants, shoes: a vision for America.”

“My dad’s not getting dick from anyone.”

“I’m a shady beach and y’all are my shady beaches.”

“Oh, no, don’t write that down…”

“At Chipotle, God himself picked those avocados and put them in the guacamole.”

“It should be a holiday: Ohio awareness day.”

“We should go to a nice place. A formal place. California Pizza Kitchen.”

“What do you do in geology lab? Dissect rocks?”

“What great weather for a mental breakdown.”

“He’s not computer generated; he’s actually that large.”

“I’ve done some soul searching and I think that ranch dressing is my favorite food.”

“I almost said his birthday was in 1926. It’s like, we got a little bit of an age gap.”

“Are you physically running away from the situation?”

“I will personally call Papa John to tell him that he’s the reason my life isn’t going right.”

“I can’t wait for middle-aged sex now.”

“I should’ve known, there aren’t two eclipses in a year!”

“I walked around with a bear taser for a year and a half.”

“I found out that the guy I have a restraining order against has been peeing on my car for two years.”

“He fought the devil in jeans and no shirt.”

“She threw my fucking pillow off of the balcony!”

“Tickets are for something fun. Paying the check is not fun.”

“It’s Halloween, calories don’t count on holidays.”

“Well, you know how I said we met in philosophy class? Well… Elise doesn’t take philosophy class.”

“You got it wrong. You said 56 point 2. The answer was 56 point 2.”

“Do I want that horrible sock tan line that I had for five years back? Yeah, I do.”

“I got drunk, threw up, got high, and came here.”

“It’s Titanic blue. I’m the Heart of the Ocean, bitch.”

“The only rat bastard in our lives is Russ.”

“The beats are so good, but the words are such trash.”

“I had to fight someone in the elevator yesterday.

“…I’ve awakened the Demigorgon.”

“We solved the great hiccup epidemic of 2017.”

“Watch out, Kansas, I’m coming for you.”

“Do not associate my birthday with math terms.”

“That’s some Hunger Games type shit.”

“Fuck y’all, I hope you trip and die.”

“I’m very confused and also cold: an American tale. A five part miniseries, this fall on HBO.”

“I am Mrs. Grey! Bring me the kink!”

“I really wanna make a shirt that’s all Comic Sans.”

“I was thinking about Panera’s mac and cheese in a bread bowl, and I started crying.”

“We’re gonna steal your WiFi, but it’s okay, because Panhellenic love.”

“I have confidence that you’re not gonna get pregnant within those two hours.”

“See if this card works. I mean, it should work, but, like…”

“I think my favorite part was slowly dying.”

“All they serve is chicken salad, so you really have to like chicken salad.”

“I have three papers and a test this week, I don’t have time for feelings to resurface.”

“I’m living a life. Not my best one.”

“When you write a report on a book you’ve never read.”

“Don’t tell me what to wear when you wear Crocs to the bar.”

“I have listened to literally nothing but Hallelujah and My Heart Will Go On all day today.”

“Oh my god, Elise, you fucking bitch, get your shit together, and write your paper.”

You know what I’m really devastated about? I’m all out of Fruit Roll-ups.”

“We’re gonna be teachers. We have school forever.”

“I don’t want your sympathy, I want your anger.”

“Clowns… doorknobs… the color yellow… ducks… I’m quoting Victorious…”

“Did you just say ‘hey Sophie’ to not include me? ‘Cause, guess what, bitch, I’m still here.”

“I live here, I know when we have salad!”

“I think Satan’s middle name is cumulative.”

“I will put up with my moose husband for however long I need.”

“I’ve literally been down here for an hour and a half waiting for these nonexistent cookies.”

“I’m keeping a detailed list of Elise’s hickeys.”

“I’m an adult, I say as I eat my Fruit Roll-up.”

“Oh, my practicum grade is in! Let’s see… 36.”

“SOS, I’m in bed and it’s so comfy, but I need to get up to study, what do I do?”

“Get up. Only a few more days until we can sleep all we want.”

“So you’re admitting you live in the woods.”

“I don’t know if it’s finals stress or if this is actually the cutest thing I’ve ever seen, but I’m crying.”

“It was optional, don’t make me feel bad for skipping class.”

“I’ve heard that, if enough people fail, they’ll have to curve it.”

“How do you even study for this?”

[makochosena]

Writing Chicago

okay, so i saw this reference post a long time ago that was all about new york city to help people who write about it but don’t really know about it. and i haven’t seen one about chicago, my home city, so i thought i’d make one!!

you are allowed to like this, reblog this, etc. this is for everyone to use as a reference!! i might add more information if i missed something!! if you think something is wrong or should be changed, please let me know!! this is just some general knowledge you should have about chicago from a native that you can’t really get from wikipedia. i hope you find this useful!

Linguistics

No, we do not talk like Mike Ditka. At all.

Soda is called pop.

People say “you guys.” “Y’all” is used more in southern Illinois.

Chicagoland area = Chicago + the surrounding suburbs + Northwest Indiana

The Lake Effect: a term often used, especially on the weather report. This term describes the effects the lake, Lake Michigan, have on the weather. Basically, it keeps it cool during the summer and warmer during the winter. But it’s not like you notice it in the winter because temperatures easily remain under 20 degrees from November to April.

Chicagoans will always and forever call the Willis Tower the Sears Tower. If you hear somebody say that, they either work there or they’re not from around there. And if you say it to somebody from Chicago, you’re going to get a funny look.

“The Lake” = Lake Michigan. Referenced often.

While this may not come up in writing, we say caramel like “car-mel” not “car-a-mel.”

When people say “the city,” they mean Chicago. You often hear this in the suburbs.

CTA = Chicago Transit Authority. It is comprised of train lines and bus lines.

Transportation

Sometimes you might hear something called the “skyway.” It’s Interstate 90 and it connects Chicago to Indiana. What’s noticeable about it is that it’s this giant, tollway on a giant bridge over the Calumet River. And there’s a McDonald’s right smack dab in the middle of it.

O’Hare is one of the biggest airports in the country and pretty much the primary airport of Chicago. However, there is also Chicago Midway International Airport (just called Midway). O’Hare is in northwest Chicago and Midway is closer to the Loop and Chicago’s south side.

Chicago does not have a “subway system.” Like, trains that run underground. Instead, Chicago’s subway is above ground and goes above traffic. It’s called the “L” which is short for elevated. There are 8 lines, each one named by color (red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, brown, and pink). The Red Line is the longest one, going from north to south. And it is the only one that does actually go underground in downtown Chicago. Nobody uses the Yellow Line because it only goes from Northern Chicago to Skokie, one of the northwest suburbs of Chicago. People who use the Yellow Line are commuters between Chicago and Skokie. The only other Line that goes outside of Chicago is the Purple Line, which goes to Wilmett and Evanston, two suburbs literally right outside of Chicago.

The Loop is Chicago’s downtown. It’s called the loop because majority of the CTA lines have stations that circle around the downtown. So it’s called the loop because of it. People say “the Loop” when they’re talking about downtown or taking the CTA. Some lines of the CTA only circle the loop.

Metra vs. Amtrak. The Metra is a train that connects Chicago to the suburbs. The L is more like a subway that arrives at every station in ten-minute intervals. The Metra is more like a train with more scheduled times. The L takes you around Chicago. The Metra takes you out of it. The Amtrak takes you out of Chicago to the rest of the country. Some stops are in the suburbs. But if you’re taking the Amtrak to the suburbs, chances are, Chicago was not your starting point. You’d be coming from another city, such as Springfield, and stopping in Chicago before going out to the suburbs. The Metra is for commuters.There are two stations for the Metra and Amtrak, Union Station and Ogilvie Transportation Center (OTC), both located a block apart from each other, both in downtown. 

You don’t drive in the city. It’s a nightmare. Road rage is everywhere. Most people take the L, the bus, cabs, or Uber. People only drive in the city if they’re coming from outside or going outside of the city. 

Here is the CTA map just for shits and giggles. 

Weather

It’s so unpredictable. It will be 50 degrees in the morning and snow by 3 pm.

Also, 50 degrees is considered warm in Chicago. People are wearing shorts even at 40 degrees tbh. Also, it is always colder in Chicago than in the suburbs. And the suburbs are colder than central Illinois. You can tell the difference when you are traveling. 

Chicago is a very windy city. And there is a big difference in temperature with the wind chill. 

Schools will not close, even if there is a foot of snow on the ground and/or it is below zero degrees.

Likewise, it can be extremely hot in Chicago. Like, summers are usually well over 80 degrees. There just is no in-between. 

Natural disasters? Uncommon. There are occasional earthquakes that happen like once every other year and they’re usually so little that people just sleep right through them. Tornadoes are the most common, but even those are infrequent and only really occur in rural Illinois. 

Attractions

Some popular sites in Chicago, even for natives, are Navy Pier, Millennium Park, Shedd Aquarium, Adler Planetarium, Brookfield Zoo, Sears Tower, Museum of Science and Industry, Field Museum, The Art Institute, Lake Michigan, the Chicago River, and Wrigley Field.

Millennium Park is extremely popular. It’s located inside the loop and every year, there’s a special Christmas tree lighting. People ice skate there all the time in the winter and there’s the Bean. The Bean is officially called the “Cloud Gate” but everybody calls it “the Bean.” It’s this giant, stainless steel sculpture that’s like looking into a mirror. This is prime selfie spot here.

The Field Museum is home of Sue, the most complete T-Rex skeleton in the world. She’s pretty cool. People love swimming in Lake Michigan or going to the beaches, even if it is 50 degrees out. The Polar Plunge is popular. Wrigley Field is kind of a major attraction because of the Cubs but also because it is the second oldest baseball park in America. Except for the giant screens and a brand new bullpen, the field pretty much is the same as when it opened in 1912. You can go to the top of the Sears Tower, to the 110th floor, and go on the “Sky Deck.” There are glass boxes attached to the outside of the building where you can walk on and view the city. It’s the best view in the whole city. 

You can also get the world’s largest ice cream sundae at Margie’s Candies, or so they say. I’ve had it, it is absolutely enormous, and it tastes incredible.

Lollapalooza. This is the biggest event in Chicago every single year. It is this giant music festival. It is filled with young adults, drugs, cops, and booze. It’s the Coachella of Chicago. Tickets sell out within hours of going on sale. When I was in high school, people honestly skipped school so they can stay home and buy their Lolla tickets. People do not fuck around when it comes to this.

Population

Very Polish. You see it in the street names.

Very democratic. Illinois is a democratic state because of Chicago’s population. Rural Illinois is way more Republican.

The main ethnic groups of Chicago are Irish, German, Latinx (especially Mexican), Assyrian, Arab, Jewish, English, Black, Korean, Chinese, Filipino, Puerto Rican, Indian, Italian, Cuban, and Polish. The suburbs tend to have a higher population of white people with low populations of people of color.

Sports

It’s a major thing in Chicago. Home of the Bulls (basketball), Bears (football), Blackhawks (hockey), Cubs (baseball), and White Sox (baseball).

The Bulls and the Blackhawks are Chicago’s most successful teams and the most popular.

Everyone is a Bears fan and everyone hates the Bears. They have been extremely unsuccessful the past like 7 seasons. People care a lot about the Bears. Most Bears fans really hate the Green Bay Packers.

The north side of Chicago belongs to the Cubs. The south side belongs to the White Sox. The city is very divided on this one and fans of either team don’t really get along with fans from the other team. However, everyone can agree that the Cubs winning the World Series was amazing. The Cubs have an intense rivalry with the St. Louis Cardinals, and the fans hate the Cardinals like the Bears hate the Packers. 

Food

So you’ll mostly find your average food chains around Chicago. McDonald’s, Starbucks, etc. However, Chicago is also known for its Chicago-style hot dogs, Maxwell Street Polishes, and the deep dish pizza. Chicagoans will always tell you that their pizza is better than New York’s.

However, the most popular food chains are local ones: Portillo’s, Giordano’s, Oberweis, Steak ‘n Shake. Portillo’s is famous for their beef (hot dogs, Italian beef, burgers) and their chocolate cake shakes. Portillo’s is Chicago’s In-N-Out Burger. If you are looking for the most Chicago pizza ever, Giordano’s is the place to go. Oberweis sells ice cream, milkshakes, and milk. And Steak ‘n Shake is crazy popular because of their steakburgers, shakes, and for their ridiculously low prices.

Other Notes

Illinois south of Bloomington is like a whole different state. Northern Illinois is dominated by Chicago. Outside of the Chicagoland area, it’s more rural--save for smaller cities like Freeport, Rockford, Springfield, Bloomington, Peoria, Urbana-Champaign--and extremely different. People even talk differently in some places!

The Chicago River is dyed green every St. Patrick’s Day. Like, it is legit green. St. Patrick’s Day is one of the biggest celebrations in Chicago, even if you aren’t Irish. There’s the huge parade and people just like to see a bright green river. People get so lit for this. 

Ferris Bueller’s Day off was known as “John Hughes’ love letter to Chicago.” Regardless of your opinions on the plot, characters, actors, director, etc., this film really is all about Chicago and will give you great insight on what it’s like. 

Ever since, like 2014-2015ish, Chicago has banned plastic bags. So if you go to the grocery store, chances are, you’ll be charged to use plastic bags or you wil have to bring your own or you will use paper. Depends on the store, really. Here’s a useful wesbite on the ban that tells you what you need to know. 

If you have any questions, comments, concerns, feel free to ask me!! Happy writing!!! 

[lito-thegawd]

The Un-fyre Fest: T’was not lit

Where’s Ja?! Where’s Ja Rule? These words are a constant in my head. Sometimes I like to sit by myself and think, “I wonder what would Ja Rule think about this.” Rule was the North Star this whole time. Jeffery Atkins was meant to lead us to the promise land. The only problem was Rule got caught up with a Scammer named Billy.

Billy. Bill. Will. William. Big Willie The Scam Gawd. The Mao Zedong of the scam game. Once Joanna The Scammer reigned on the Mount Rushmore of Scams. Bill would literally scam circles around Jo, and that’s the God’s honest truth. My guy Bill is a compulsive liar. That’s a good start. Bill lies about shit.. a lot. Like a lot a lot. Not like little white lies, like astronomical turning 40 into 4million type lies. Bill was out there selling water to Whales/Wells (get Hov on the line to ask him which it is)

WHITE PRIVILEGE IS A MOTHER FUCKER

If you’re wondering, yes. I watched both documentaries. Netflix was the better of the two. The message obtained from both documentaries.... White Privilege is a mother fucker. Goddamn. Bro. Imagine doing the most outrageous shit you could think of. Now picture the nerve in knowing no matter what you’ll get the most lenient sentence out there. White Privilege is a hell of a drug. No lie I kind of wish they sold White Privilege on the street. I’d take a hit that shit for sure. To be fair it’s not Bill’s fault he’s a greedy bastard. He can take solace knowing America was built on capitalism. The kid is misunderstood just like Lord Voldemort.

Honestly Billy had some great ideas. Seriously, the “magnises” idea was low key genius. A black card for millennials? A club house that comes with the membership? Discounted amounts off of things like concert tickets, clothes etc? Shit man I would actually sign up for that. Not to mention the Fyre media app. Basically one concentrated place to book talent? Again another great idea. The problem? The boy Bill’s execution was high key basura. Maybe top 5 worst planners of all time. Scammers don’t plan. They scam. Do you ask a dolphin why it swims? An eagle why it flys? No. Con artists are gonna con.

I remember being on twitter when the outrage of Fyre fest hit its peak. I can honestly say I didn’t feel an ounce of sadness for the festival goers. Something about rich white folk getting scammed out of excess money made my day. Reason being? If somebody wanted to pay thousands of dollars to see Blink 182 as a headliner in 2017; who am I to stop you? Billy didn’t even steal that money. They just gave that shit away. Secondly, nothing about going to Pablo Escobar’s private island sounds sexy to me. Maybe because I grew up in the hood and have an understanding of violence. Yes I know Pablo is dead but I saw narcos, and one can never be too sure. Thirdly, y’all flew to Exuma to play with swimming pigs? Nope. I don’t play with my food. Those pigs looked delicious. Why would I feed bacon?

GREED IS A MOTHERFUCKER

Everything around Billy was falling apart. His connects fell through. He was losing money. His staff told him to call off the fest. Do you know what Bill said? Bill said No way. I’m just going to scam harder. SCAM HARDER. Bill start making calls to fest goers to deposit money on these fest bands. Which again is not a bad idea. Execution? Yikes. When Kanye West made “All Falls Down”. This what he was referring to in the future. Damn, ‘Ye just might be Walt Disney. Trill Bill had people sleeping in Hurricane Katrina tents. I know because I slept in a Katrina tent. You can’t pull a fast one on me Bill. Air mattresses and tents without circulation? Sounds like jail to me. Then when the picture of sandwich was tweeted out, I knew for sure Bill was the feds. Kraft singles slices on White? What a fucking terrorists.

All in all the only people I genuinely felt sad for were the workers. To put in that much time in and not get paid is fucked up. It sounded exactly like slavery. Never mind. Let me just end this article before I get in trouble. Also I felt bad for the Popeyes lady who gave her saving away to her workers. She is a much better person than I. I would’ve hit everybody with a Jordan Shrug. I don’t know where your money is, baby. I totally do not feel bad for the influencers, brand companies, Fyre media employees etc. They all enabled William to get to these extremes. For instance there’s a part in the documentary where drinking water is confiscated by the government. Bill has a gay employee. Bill suggests to said employee to go down to the office and get the water back. Bill advises he should give up that sloppy toppy. He tells that man because he’s gay, that he should seduce the official. He employs his employee to give up the heady Murphy. The super dome. That Rita Oral. The crazy thing is the guy “gets his mouth ready” in order to get the water back. Thankfully the official gave him the water and the employee didn’t have to resort to “neckcrophilia”.

Fast forward. Bill gets off the island after everything crumbles. Gets arrested for all kind of fraudulent shit. Bails out. Comes right back home and finds another scam. Being committed to fraud >>>>>. There’s a conference call with the Fyre app employees after they all get home. Ja Rule is on this call. One of the employees brings up the fact the company has been fraudulent. Ja says, “no that’s not fraud. That’s not fraud. We just aren’t telling the whole truth”. For the first time in a long time I wasn’t mad at 50 Cent. Bill is currently serving 6 years in prison. 6. *insert blank stare* White Privilege is a motherfucker.

- Lito

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Mo-ddYhXAZc

[youarenotliketheregulars]

hey guys!!!! Since I have some new mutuals since I’ve come back on this account I wanted to sort of introduce myself: My name is Milly, I’m 21, and I live in Orlando Florida. I was born & raised in the U.K in a city called Leicestershire, and my parents decided to move us to America when I was 12. I was always considered quite a loner in school, I didn’t really fit in anywhere so I just kept to myself. The thing that made me the most happy and my lil escape from reality was anything creative. I loved to draw, write, act, and sing (when no one was around!) I love music and Taylor’s music is one that stuck with me through everything. When I started school in the U.S I was in 7th grade and I remember my sister & I buying Fearless from Target and playing it in the car every day. We already knew Love Story back in England when we’d play MTV the video came out just before we left and I loved it so much. And I saw her in the Hannah Montana movie aswell lmao. You Belong With Me just became a single and it was playing on the radio non-stop and I was like omg this is a BOP (but not really bc that wasn’t a thing back then) and I decided to put all of her music on my iPod and I listened to it all the time and when my parents and sister were out and I was the only one in the house I would belt out Should’ve Said No and The Way I Loved You as if I related to it. My dad being the concert ticket magician that he still is to this day got me, my sister, and mum tickets to the Fearless tour in 2010 at the Amway Center and we were sat in the 100’s right by the b stage!!!! I remember wearing bright red skinny jeans with a black sweater that said “I ❤️ New York” and now I think to myself - how did I know about the RED era before it was even considered a thing???? Lmao. When she sang Fifteen (one of my favs) on the b stage I SWEAR TO GOD she looked right in my direction and said “I love you” & smiled and my heart deadass jumped!!!! I mean obviously she wasn’t looking only at me but still I FELT THAT SHIT. LET ME HAVE THAT MOMENT DAMMIT. That concert was literally everything to me even to this day besides 1989 Tampa where my literal prayers were answered and I got front row seats from @taylornation (thx y’all!!!) and she was legit right in front of me!!!! I’m still upset I never went to Speak Now or RED but I’m just lucky enough to be able to see Reputation bc SHE’S DOING BETTER THAN SHE EVER WAS AND IF I DIDN’T GO ID BURST INTO FLAMES AND HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR. I love my healthy happy sweet angel!!!! Besides talking about Taylor, I love to do makeup. I want to be a professional makeup artist & hair stylist and I’m hoping to study cosmetology either this year or in January next year. I have a YouTube channel and an Instagram, but I only have 1 video up so far, but I’ve just been busy working :/ I post pictures more and I’ve been active for about 3 years now! If u wanna follow me my user is: @mkmakeupxo 😇 makeup is my creative outlet, I love to remake others looks from the red carpet or music videos, or create my own looks from scratch! It’s so therapeutic to just get in front of a mirror, have my freshly cleaned brushes out, pick out some new products and just go with the flow and see what I can do. I would love to be a celebrity makeup artist and have my own brand one day. I also love dogs, coffee, cooking shows, unicorns, and Marvel superheroes. And I’m bisexual!🌈 If there’s anything else you’d like to know, I’d be happy to answer!

[lightandwinged]

So I saw The Movie. Spoilers--good, bad (or neutral), and ugly--below. Spoiler-free: not as good as the first Avengers, but better by far than AoU. 

The Good

This film made me even more furious with Joss Whedon, solely because it proves that the problems in AoU were of his own making, namely his inability to handle too many characters and therefore incompetence when it comes to a film of this type. The Russo brothers took a very smart approach to this, in that they knew they couldn’t take the time to give all of the good guys the characterization they’d have gotten in a film with a smaller cast, so they basically made Thanos the main character, which is really what should’ve happened with Ultron but inexplicably did not happen. 

And man, what a joy Thanos is as a character. So many superhero villains are so kind of... one dimensional, tbh. Or not one dimensional, but rather, they seem to have an understanding that what they’re doing is evil or, if they don’t have that understanding, a lack of real conviction. They’re nascent Sith, in a sense, running on either the sheer joy of being cruel or on a heightened desire for vengeance. They can be a lot of fun, don’t get me wrong, but they seem, for lack of a better word, like cartoon villains. 

They’re fun, like I said, and the world is full of people who are just... evil for the sake of being evil (as we’ve found out in the last ~2+ years more than a lot of us realized, I think), but they get tired when they’re the villain of everything. Chaotic Evil, in other words, gets less compelling when it’s all you see. It becomes the same person with a different mask, 9/10 times, which I’m sure contributes a lot to superhero movie fatigue. 

Thanos, though, I enjoyed because he was 100% convinced that what he was doing was for the good of the universe. Ultron was trying to go there, I think, but Whedon handled it with about as much delicacy as a bull in a china shop (Ultron is mostly redeemed by his being played by James Spader, who is a delight at all times, but that also ends up being his downfall because you get the feeling that he’s winking at the audience the entire time... “I’m saying this with conviction, but here’s a quip to show that I know I’m evil.”). Thanos actually felt real. He felt like he believed everything he was saying, like he truly thought he was doing the universe a mercy, that he was the good guy. 

And that doesn’t redeem him by any means (incoming people screeching about how I’m downplaying genocide or stanning because dude’s evil, y’all), but it makes him infinitely more compelling, and GOD, that is refreshing. It’s the same way that Killmonger was refreshing because, even though you don’t agree with it, you see his point. I mean, who among us that’s worked retail hasn’t wanted to snap our fingers and make half of humanity vanish? It’s been more than a decade since my last retail position, and I still have those days.

On a different level, it’s that garbage that gets pushed by freshman level philosophy students who are like “people should stop having babies” because that, not a mismanagement of resources by the wealthy and powerful, is why there’s scarcity. It’s rubbish, absolute rubbish (and it doesn’t work because science tells us that the universe, that all of existence, is infinite... and fuck, the movie’s science tells us that as well--Bananabread Cabletelevision had his little moment of hunting for spoilers and only got through about 1.4 million of the unending possibilities that exist BUT I DIGRESS), but at first blush, you ask yourself, “Wait, does he have a point?” No, he does not.

A rundown of other Goods:

Look, Thor in lightning form is the sexiest creature in existence. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules. 

Also I appreciated him getting another smushface. And then the immediately following Battle of the Chrises (all I’m saying is that if there’s not a threeway Chris standoff in Part Deux, I’ll be very sad. Also, someone please cast Chris Pine in Captain Marvel, he needs to spend the rest of eternity watching powerful women heroes in awe).

The people who were allowed gave fantastic performances. RDJ will be sorely missed as Iron Man (because if y’all think he’s living past the next film, I’m sorry for your loss), and of the good guys, I felt like he came the closest to being the main character here. Which has been true of the other Avengers films as well, so that’s nice to see. Ultimately, these first three phases of the MCU were Tony Stark’s story, and that finale will be really... well, painful. 

Other great performances: Tom Holland (darling baby child, I wept for you), Mark Ruffalo (good at constipation), Bagels Cucumbers (that hurts to admit, he’s the Worst, but damn if he isn’t a good actor), Zoe Saldana (you’d better come back), Chris Hemsworth (as always), Paul Bettany (NOOO), and Elizabeth Olsen (poor darling). 

The humor was nicely balanced, not fourth-wall breaking like you get in the Whedon Avengerses, but logical. It was kind of like exhaling: inhale the action and serious stakes, exhale the humor. It allowed breathing room in all the intensity, so that was great.

Also how can I have missed Wakanda that much if it’s only been like... not even two months since I saw Black Panther?

Look, if the next movie involves just one scene--just one!--of Okoye, Nat, and Wanda fighting together, my ticket will have been worth its price.

Related, Proxima Midnight is (a) literally the coolest name for anyone ever, and (b) my wife now.

The Neutral-Bad

Or, really, more the expected. 

In any ensemble movie, you’re going to have a lot of characters whose purpose is just to step on scene, state their name and allegiance, and then fade into the background. This ended up being the case with pretty much all of Team Cap, and it was to their detriment. They had their shining moments (”Earth just lost her greatest defender” made me ship things like FedEx), but as opposed to the group above, they didn’t really have a lot to do? Or even really much in the way of reactions? They just sort of... came and saw and fought and that was it. 

It felt a lot like nobody knew what to do with those characters, which is fair enough, but it also felt like they were wasted, and they shouldn’t have been. If I had to guess, I’d guess that the writers had to pick and choose which good guys they wanted to focus on and which new Avengers and old Avengers would get the attention. Tony because these films have been basically a huge Iron Man series. Thor because I think? the plot requires him to be Important, as per comic books. But as much as I adore Thor, I wish there had been a focus on Steve more. With Tony, you’ve got the plot of “oh my god Thanos, the thing I’ve been afraid of since 2008″ but maybe Steve could’ve had more of a reluctant plot, like he’s been heroing all this time but all he’s gotten for it is locked up and exiled and shit? I don’t know, point is that if Captain America is going to be so prominent in the MCU logo, he should get a bigger slice of the plot pie.

Also I’m annoyed with Gamora’s passing, though I wouldn’t call it a complete fridging because it wasn’t just for mangst. It was just mostly for mangst. Either way, though, I think that’s the death (besides the end ones) that bothered me the most. It didn’t feel unnecessary and was probably the most shocking, when you look at it objectively (more on that in a second), but... I don’t know, it bothered me, but I can’t 100% put my finger on why/how. I do appreciate, though, that it gave Gamora a decent arc in the film. 

Anyway, to the deaths. The presumable permadeaths (Heimdall, Loki, and Gamora) were, for the most part, unsurprising. The Thor trilogy is over, so Heimdall and Loki end up being kind of extra weight, the former because he doesn’t have a lot to do that’s not in a role filled by another character, and the latter because the only other way he could’ve worked in this film was as an eleventh hour heroic sacrifice, and that feels almost too woobie-ish, like beyond Zuko levels of woobie. 

The Great Dust Rapture at the end was also fairly unsurprising, mostly because there’s no way a good chunk of those characters aren’t coming back. At least two have sequels literally named after them coming out sometime in the next couple of years; as I also pointed out to Kyle, “Look, Gamora may be dead forever, but if the rest of the Guardians remain dust, GotG3 will just be The Adventures of Rocket Raccoon Being Very Sad.” The non-dusted bunch are the OG Avengers, plus or minus a few friends; the stakes for the next film are, therefore, a LOT higher, since all the OG Avengers have finished their trilogies and, should they survive, will probably only ever show up again in cameos. We know T’Challa and Peter Parker and the Guardians of the Galaxy and probably Dr. Strange and everyone still have Things To Do. 

But the OG Avengers do not, and they couldn’t really kill off the main characters of the franchise with one film to go, so...

(also, calling it now: the next film is going to be The Avengers: Rebirth. I will put money on it)

The Ugly

But HNNGH. Okay.

I 100% understand the choices they made with the dustinatings, but like... there’s no suspense whatsoever. If Marvel didn’t release their film titles 6000 years in advance, maybe the stakes would’ve been stakier, but as it stands, it’s like... come on people. 

You know what would’ve worked way better and made for stakier stakes? Don’t kill off the main characters from franchises that still have sequels coming out. Kill off sidekicks. T’Challa doesn’t die, but maybe M’baku or Okoye does. Spare at least three of the Guardians of the Galaxy. Leave Peter Parker’s fate uncertain (though his death scene was literally the only one that made me tear up because TOM HOLLAND IS JUST THAT GOOD, DARLING FROG-IN-MOUTH BOY). Bucky, Sam, Nick Fury, Maria Hill--they can remain dusted. But if you want to keep the stakes for the second film while actually letting us believe that there won’t be any resurrections this time, maybe don’t kill people who we know will be back in various MCU films at future dates. 

It’s like I keep thinking when I watch trailers for Solo or literally any prequel anything: the problem with 99% of prequels is that we know who lives and who doesn’t, so giving us trailer shots of Chewbacca in danger, for example, is like trying to play peek-a-boo with an adult. We have object permanence, it’s not surprising when you pull your hands away and your face is still there. It’s not surprising that Chewbacca isn’t going to get his face bashed away by a rock. It’s not surprising that somehow, in Avengers Four: You Asked For More, all the dusted people with eponymous films coming up will be back. 

Another big plot hole: why didn’t Dr. Strange go and do his future vision the second a giant green man fell into his living room? Bruce, as Bruce, tells him “Thanos is coming for the macguffins” and then he goes and spends the next 5 minutes going through possibilities and then figures out the very easy way to solve the thing. 

That easy way? Just have Wanda destroy the time stone. Now we’re not panicking about taking out Vision’s brain as fast as we can (point: that scene was unrealistic, Shuri would’ve actually had it done in about 13 seconds flat) and Thanos has lost and maybe he goes around killing people manually but at least he can’t rewind time if things don’t go his way. 

The movie didn’t do this, obviously, but it’s one of those things where it’s like “if your audience can figure out a better way of doing things before the credits even fucking roll, maybe revise your script.”

(if Carrie Fisher had been alive to script doctor this shit, we wouldn’t have this problem, universe)

Other big frustration: does every Avengers film really need Thor to go on an epic quest away from everyone else for half the film? Don’t get me wrong, it was pretty cool to see him jumpstart a sun and see Peter Dinklage being huge (all I’m saying is that if Disney ever acquires the rights to the X-Men, things are going to get very confusing) and see a new Mjolnir-like-object, but oh. my. god. Every time those scenes were happening, I felt like it was a bathroom break. Like legit, that fucking ax had better cleave Thanos in half in the next movie because otherwise, that was so much wasted time that could’ve been devoted to literally anything else. 

Final Miscellaneous Thoughts

Maybe this means that GotG3 will be about Peter Quill actually growing up and dealing with his issues. I hope it does. 

Also, Nebula/Tony Stark road trip back to earth? I’m all about it. 

Wonder Woman would’ve ended this all in about 30 seconds flat, which is why Captain Marvel can’t show up until the next film. 

The next film is literally going to be at least 90 minutes of Thanos refusing to interact with anyone trying to kill him because he’s on vacation and fuck you. 

Literally why does anyone still live in NYC in the MCU? The first movie would’ve been enough to convince me to move to a cornfield in Nebraska and just stay there for eternity. 

“Thanos will return.” Along with literally everyone else SERIOUSLY THIS IS NOT SUSPENSEFUL MARVEL AAAAAAUGH.

[dinoalexander]

Your Moment of Zen: The Gourmet Academy’s Semi-Quotable 2020 Quotedown Quotetacular

The following blog entry are intended only for mature audiences. Reader discretion is strongly advised. Although it goes without saying about three quotes in, this is neither an incendiary nor defamatory tribute to the year past, although if someone were to put together such a “tribute”, I’d completely understand. Thank you. And enjoy the show. Because you helped make it.  Ladies and gentlemen and non-binary conforming life forms across seven star systems... the Gourmet Academy’s World Famous Get Down Like a Hound Party ‘til You Puke Semi-Quotable 2020 Quotedown Quotetacular begins in five... ... four... ... three... ... two... NOW. === “This video is dedicated to touching.” -Harry Styles “Welcome to America's last public gathering.” -Jenna Riedi, the host of Geek Bowl XIV “Daniel’s New Year’s Resolutions 1) say something so brilliant, so irrefutably mind-bogglingly wowful that it makes the Quote Wall 2) organize the basement.” -Daniel “Didn’t you used to be Bill Simmons?” -Greg channeling Justin Lollie “Something new? Shouldn’t be trying it but I’m d-e-d today.” -Carl “This could devolve into something amazing.” -Jeremy “Good feeling: a Patriots loss. Better feeling: a Patriots loss in the playoffs. Best feeling: a Patriots loss in the playoffs in Foxboro.” -Travis “You are the master of the swerve.” -Klaussie “There once was a man from Nantucket.” -Ethan “Neighbor and I both have our windows open, and I refuse to do one more thing tonight until I figure out which episode of “Cheers” she’s watching.” -Adam Nedeff “Is there anyway we can CGI Matt Lauer out and replace him with Christopher Plummer?” -Greg on Matt Lauer on SNL “What’s the favorite network of the 2017 Houston Astros? BUZZR!” -Klauss “Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, Lost her virginity to Tom Jones.” -Sara “That’s not unusual.” -Megan “Oh look, goats! (Whiff) Oh god, goats.” -Q “The Whiteface on the Joker poster is a pretty good representation on the Academy Award nominees this year.” -Gordon “If you spend your life with a paper bag over your head, do you also need to wear a mask?” -Kevin, on the Unknown Comic "He Gay - He Christmas in Macy's Window Gay" - Mercedeze - The Circle. “Spock is gonna slap your ass.” -Greg on Zach Quinto in “The Slap” “Smeargle!” -C “I’m at the Battle of Atlanta, usually I’M the one on fire.” -Greg as Time Traveling Rip Taylor “Sexual Game Show Chocolate.” -Cyndi’s nickname for Chico “He has exact change! What was I supposed to say.. No?!” -Q “WLTI has been brought to by the Tom Brady Laundry Service - when you need stuff to be washed and blown....you know where to go.” -JB “It’s like shitting in my hand and clapping.” -Q “Let’s do that GOAT.” -C “Does Q know you’re into bestiality?” -Chris • the subject: Jeopardy! The Greatest of All Time “In 2020 I’d like to set more things on fire.” -Megan “Tonight, William Shakespeare, Henry VIII, the sun god Ra, Archimedes, Rip Taylor, and Rudolph Valentino on the Loooooooove TARDIS.” -Greg as Ernie Anderson (hat tips to Mike & Chico). “Christmas Day: Email notifying me I don't need to come to the courthouse on Monday. Monday: Phone message notifying me not to come to the courthouse on Tuesday. Tuesday: Phone message notifying me not to come to the courthouse on Wednesday. Wednesday: Phone message notifying me not to come to the courthouse, period, because my week of service includes two holidays. For anyone who's never been called in for jury duty during a pandemic, I highly recommend the experience.” -Adam “This version of 2020 has a virus in it. Can I get it reinstalled?” -Catherine “Take care of y’all chicken.” -Marshawn Lynch“ No link, because (EXPLETIVE DELETED) that (EXPLETIVE DELETED).” -Joe “There’s the Wendy’s.” -C “Where where where where where?” -Q “There there there there there.” -C “The Houston Astros scandal has spilled into the world of game shows...evidence has surfaced that “Jeopardy!” contestants had wired buzzers at their podiums.” -Adam Nedeff “ "Having an English Accent in America is like having a 12" dick” -David, a contestant on Too Hot To Handle. “We are all Disney... and Disney is all of us.” -Kevin “Here comes this Donny Osmond-looking motherfucker.” -C “The coronavirus is the least dirty thing I’ve had in my hand. There’s not enough hand sanitizer in the world. That’s why I drink vodka.” -Michael "That bird just straight up moonwalked and died!" -Neumann “You think Jimmy Kimmel would buy the Walgreens brand?” -Q “I don’t make Jimmy Kimmel money!” -C “President Trump sent me a letter. I respond with fire.” -Kyle “Sense AND Sensibility? In this economy?!” -Liz “He committed the ultimate sin. He insulted the WWE in his promotion!” -Cyndi “Today was draggin’. It was very draggy. It was an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. It was so draggin’ that Wink Martindale encourages me to avoid it. I was watching Dragon Ball Z in the cockpit of the Dragonzord while playing Double Dragon with Don “The Dragon” Wilson and listening to Sisqo’s Unleash The Dragon. Somebody better call Emilia Clarke, because, uh.... dragon .... joke.” -C “Name a people that animals breed.” -Bressler “Put your Facebook balls away, Karen. It’s unbecoming.” -Cindy “Pizza is yes.” -Drago, Animal Crossing New Horizons “Prahstitute.” -Klauss • the password was “hookah” “It was a one-eyed one-horned flying purple Power Ranger.” -Gordon “I'm gonna start painting people yellow and send their asses to Springfield because I'm seeing a LOT of Simps, SON!” -Katie “Bill Belichick took the box on the display floor and got a couple of plush dolphins...would’ve had a new car behind curtain #2.” -Carl “Twenty-one seasons of winners and not one of those faces looked like mine. So when I walked through those doors, I had that desire, that determination to be that very first face to give hope to those behind me who have the desire to come in here and play this game. Not seeing a face that looks like mine is very discouraging, it’s hurtful and it does make me feel like maybe it’s impossible. But I’m wrong about that because it’s definitively possible. We can do it. It just hasn’t been done yet… I want to acknowledge every African American who has walked through those doors with the same desire to be that face that I have. I see you, I salute you and I appreciate you. You came in here, you knew the odds were against you, you knew it was going to be an uphill battle and you still fought and you fought like hell. For that, I love you, I admire you and I acknowledge you all today.” -Da’vonne, Big Brother “Waldo should find himself. I don’t have that kind of time.” -@FunnyOrDie “What we wanted was Cam Newton. What we got was Wayne Newton.” -Gordon, right before everyone broke out into “Danke Schön” “You can go ahead and put "Nuh-uh! Don't eat Jesus, you monster!" on the list of things I didn't think I'd have to yell today.” -Wingo “Not only is he a chicken magnate, he’s also a chick... magnet. Amirite?” -Klauss“ Please excuse me if I don't participate in the Dolly Parton Challenge, but I'd rather my wife didn't know that I have a Tinder account.” -Prof. O “The table has had enough of your shit.” -Brian “If you work hard enough I’m sure someday you’ll reach the top of the intelligence bell curve.” -Jess’ insult “Any squirrel can find a nut once. Let’s see you do it again.” -Q “This is the kind of chaotic horniness I’m here for.” -Megan “Behold the power of the fat guy touchdown.” -Cyndi “It’s the kind of peppermint candy that can give me natural 20s.” -Jenni “The wonders.... of weed.” -Mary “Metallic testicles.” -Jimmy Kimmel “Well, it's 65° again today. I ran 3.5 miles yesterday so I chose to walk 4 today. If next year it is not 65° on this day in February, I'm quitting Ohio.” -Wingo “I see the Incelabteilung spent a productive weekend.” -Rick Wilson “You know why the RTF head writer is now hosting? Because he's now eligible to join the Actors Guild, which means he'll have potential work when 1. RTF goes down in flames, 2. The WGA agreement goes down in flames. 3.A combination of 1. 2. and RTF keeps trying to convince us that King Kong should be worth 1,250 points per ticket.” -Gordon “Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?” -Jessica “Of course any team could have had 14 players test positive for COVID three games into the season, but the fact that it’s an entire roster of Florida Man is just so obvious.” -Arianna “Anna Roisman is very much in love with her butt.” -C Phleb: Are you following me? Q: As if you’re cool enough to have a stalker. As IF you’re cool enough for that stalker to be me. “I’ve seen enough.” -JD “Okay Dave Wasserman.” -C -subject: NLCS “Curse your sudden but inevitable colonization!” -Blue from episode 2 of the Overly Sarcastic Podcast “I haven't watched the Super Bowl halftime show, but from the online conversation today it is clear that people do not know just how many layers of costumage it takes to look "naked" onstage. #Showbiz” -Shannon “Adolf Titler and Areola Braun.” -Kim “I don't follow sports at all, but "And then Florida screwed it up for everyone" is the least surprising thing I could have seen in the news.” -Adam “If you think 2020 has been wild so far, wait until the dragons are released in the finale!” -Bruce Q: “I need a lighter.” Clerk: “Which one?” Q: “I don’t care. As long as it produces fire.” “Today we say a not fond farewell to Adobe Flash....we will NOT miss you very much." -Carl “It’s ridicarus. It’s so ridiculous, it flies in the face of normality until it melts on the wings of its own ridiculousness.” -C “I’d like to be proven wrong 99 times out of 100,000.” -Cyndi “The wenches of Watson.” -G’s nickname for the Chasers “Paula Deen. I don’t give a toss about the woman’s politics. But there’s one thing that we both agree on. MORE BUTTER!” -Q “Do you think you could be my Korean food mule?” -Jenni, to Chico re: Korean restaurants  “This is what I told you about Travis. You’ve got to stop eating buffalo wings before you go to bed this is going to keep happening!” -Brian “The NFL Draft Takes way too long. If I wanted to watch 32 picks in 3 hours, I’d watch Jameis Winston play.” -TyFo “I think I’d win this easily.” -Greg, on “Too Hot To Handle.” “Hit me daddy, I’ve been bad.” -Q “I haven’t been bad, but hit me anyway.” -C “I hope a million Dodger babies are made tonight and their mamas name them all MOOKIE.” -Arianna “That’s tackier than a Louis Vuitton purse from downtown LA.” -Kimberly “Defense wins championships, but offense sells soap.” -Nikki “It’s like there’s nothing good on Netflix anymore.” -Alex Alvarez (Marcel Ruiz) on the Pop premiere of One Day at a Time “Let’s see what this bitch can do.” -C

“Man we have now been quarantined for 60 full days. Stuck inside with nothing but our families and our devices, filled with fear and anxiety. And we still don’t want to watch Quibi.” - Mike Shields (@digitalshields) “I love Peanut Butter. I love Africa.” - Bill Walton "So in the last 3 days Tom Brady has violated social distancing guidelines and broken into somebody's house. The media laughs it off. It pays to be white." - Barry McCockiner “BREAKING: I have decided to follow @James_Holzhauer on Twitter, since he’s been following me on Jeopardy all week.” - Ken Jennings “I was debating who had a worse night in Vegas — Mike Bloomberg or Deontay Wilder. I thought it was Wilder but it wasn’t. He didn’t have to show up a week later and get his ass kicked all over again. #DemDebate2020” - Jelani Cobb “What in the name of God’s ass is on Linda Dano’s head?” - Quisla “My 13 year-old self with my hero in Nov '83, Boston, MA. According to local legend Mr. (Tom) Baker toured the  sites at Lexington, and then Concord, site of the “shot heard round the world;" he strode up to the first American he saw and said “Sorry about all that you know!”” - @petervintonjr​ “At long last, our 4-year national nightmare is over & @SteveKornacki can finally get some sleep.” - Mark Hamill “I think I just saw The Greatest American Hero be a complete and utter perv.” - Chico “Not gonna lie. I kinda wished they'd filmed the Chicago production of Hamilton so I could see Wayne Brady kill Lin-Manuel instead of Leslie.” - @RealLordDalek “Thanks Jon, when we come back Denise is gonna go for $30,000 and I want to find out, really, if you take half of my ass and you put it on my bald head, if it’s going to create new hair. We’ll find out about that after this. ……. more after this.” - Mike Francesa’s evil Earth 47 Half Brother Louie Francesa played by Klaussie before the MG-HSH Super Match “Rebooting The Santa Clause where instead of Tim Allen killing Santa Claus and becoming Santa Claus, Santa Claus kills Tim Allen and becomes Tim Allen” - Bridger Winegar “Ted Cruz is in another Twitter war with Mark Cuban. As a coach I was always looking for mismatches. If I could ever find a mismatch as great as Cuban over Cruz the game would be easy.” - Stan Van Gundy “Just turned on the XFL.Kicker missed a field goal and they immediately interviewed him on the sideline asking what happened haha. That’s tough.” - JJ Watt “Jeffrey Toobin gave a whole new meaning to the word “laptop.” - Gerard Mulligan “No matter how gloom things things get, there's always the future, even the United States of America used to have a future. They tried to us Americans the sky’s the limit, so we destroyed the sky. Where’s your limit now? Oh! burning with toxic poison? Suck that limit!” - Xavier: Renegade Angel “Everything good espn ever did was copied from the George Michael Sports Machine.” - @mattamatic@allpro.social “How is the @WWE not calling this #Wrestlemania36 In Your House?!?!” - Marty DeRosa “When people complain about "cancel culture," they very often mean: I want to live in a world in which there are abundant social and economic rewards for saying and doing certain (but not all!) controversial things, and no social and economic penalties for those same things.” - David Frum “Herb Abrams left this world doing what he loved. Cocaine and hookers." - Brian Blair “Rats.. and I was looking forward to the empty arena NBA Team Challenge Series.” - Lollie “Wow breaking: Jay Glazer is reporting that cleatus the FOX NFL robot has been arressted for double murder outside a Houston strip club. Details to come” - PFTCommenter “Michael Moore is the Michael Avenatti of Anthony Scaramuccis.” - @blackbeltbirder “Will you accept this ass?” -Jason “The Bears are two tight ends away from a firefighter calendar.” -Cyndi “Come on, Quis. Plating is 5 points.” -C “They say you should spend three months income on your wife’s engagement ring. I spent June July and August from the summer that I turned 13… But in my defense it was a wet summer and I mowed a lotta grass, that should count for something.” -Brian (ladies....) “You can’t fuck with Ed Lover.” -Greg “You thought that it was bad now? Wait 25 years. Today's children are tomorrow's leaders; and they will have been have been homeschooled by day drinkers. Let that sink in.” -Q “Doo wah didn’t didn’t, dumb didn’t do.” -Ian “So we were talking about why cereal was invented.” -C “Y’all stop showing me The Needle. I have a visceral reaction to The Needle.” -Anne “Five dollars on a Daily Double? What are you doing, buying a sandwich?” -Q “Sometimes I wonder... what made you think that style of facial hair works for you?” -Mary Jane “Everyone’s a critic.” -C after someone closed the blood bank door after blowing his nose “You raise your kids, you will spoil your grandchildren. You spoil your kids, you will raise your grandchildren.” -Nikki “You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.” -Joe’s son “Ctrl-F, am I right?” -Klauss “Mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm...” -Kim “I’ve been around enough mothers to know what THAT means.” -C “This is now the 5th straight night I've heard one man complain about another man's holes and balls. No one needs sloppy disorganized holes or balls. #pause.” -Gordon “You know... We grew up watching Kamen Rider & Super Sentai wanting to be masked heroes. Pretty sure this isn’t what I had in mind.” -D “Some of y’all have not been chased around the house by your sibling with a knife and it shows.” -Jenna “At least it wasn't real maple syrup. Based on the bottle and consistency it appears to be maple-flavoured sugar liquid spread.” -Dane, on Gritty drinking breakfast syrup “And who decides Lacey Chabert should be the voice of love? She was hardly the voice of Meg Griffin!” -C “That is one UGLY ASS FISH!” -Cat "CBD infused deep dish pizza now available at White Sox games." -Carl “Gordon Pepper You're a psychotic Macaulay Culkin? I fear and respect you.” -Dom “Now I don’t even have to leave my home to not watch a movie.” -Kevin, on HBOMax “Fuck your widgets.” -Klauss “I told Galileo to stop working on his telescope. He’s not fooling anyone!” -Greg as Time Traveling Rip Taylor “Chris Wallace failed so badly that Mike Wallace also failed, and he’s been dead eight years.” -Kevin “Yay for fat shaming.” -Amberlee “Philip Rivers: Miami Dolphin?” -Carl “I don’t have enough black leggings for this shit.” -Shannon “You ever have shrunken beef?” -G “Phrasing.” -Aaron “You put the brain in Vibranium.” -Matt Richards “Several flaws in his argument, most notably that while he is correct that the meat in boneless chicken wings doesn’t come from the wings, neither does it come from the “tender”. And chicken nuggets aren’t made from a chicken’s... um... nuggets. That said, it is Nebraska, and this is what happens in that God forsaken state when they cancel football.” -Kevin “I never got spanked. We were very good kids growing up. Dad threatened us a different way. He reminded us as he was a famous person if we screwed up we would see it on page 6 of the ny post.” -G “God’s perfect idiot.” -Ryan Reynolds “You can’t clean house with a filthy mop.” -Kevin "Four." -Course Manager Joe translating Sir Goph to the crowd at Holey Moley. “May (Tim Tebow’s) marriage last longer than Million Dollar Mile.” -C “They were so offended, they weren’t.” -G “Meanwhile I can't choose a fuck fish...” -Kimberly “I have questions.” -Bressler “Do not insult the good name of Bowzer, damn it!” -Greg “Hiya Barbie! No Ken. He’s sold separately and I’m cutting unnecessary spending.” -Eden as Barbie “I’ll be at the bench if you need me. Please don’t need me.” -C as David Tennant as Scrooge McDuck “Fayetteville gonna Fayetteville.” -Jordan “Why you gotta go make good employees angry? You think another decent phleb is just gonna pop out of nowhere like a State Farm agent? ... 🎵 Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there! 🎵 POOF!” -C “I like my men like I like my commuter car: silent.” -Robin “The fact that I had to put "Real Email -- Not Wingo SPAM" in an email subject line tells you a lot about how I comport myself with my colleagues.” -Wingo “Savage Question Song! Y’all fucking FUCKED UP! YOU FUCKED UP! YOU GOT IT WRONG! YOU ARE DUMB! No, I’m kidding, you’re not dumb. You fucked up, it happens. That’s life.” -Matt Richards “You know, bucatini. It’s like spaghetti... with goals.” -C “Love like you’re Jesus Christ. Wash your hands like you’re Pontius Pilate.” -Brian “Show me on the tackling dummy where the illegal touching happened.” -Nikki “Get cable. Discover Disney Junior. Muppet Babies. Weird. So weird. #NotMyMuppetBabies.” -Paul  “Take the swabs. Leave the cannoli.” -C “Facetyfacetyfacetyfaaaaaaaace!” -Nikki “If you win, you may smoke it. WHEN you lose, you must eat it. I don’t make the rules.” -Erskine “The internet discovers that Wendy Williams is a terrible person once a week.” -Adam “¡Carajo! Errbahurr!” -me, upon looking at a full parking lot “In these increasingly uncertain times, I want to be absolutely clear on something. I never *don't* want pizza. It is never a bad or inappropriate time for pizza. I will never, in any way, be displeased by receiving pizza. And, at no time in my life, will I ever say "no, that's fine, personally I don't want any pizza." I hope I have made myself clear.” -Brian “That’s a terrifying prospect. Goddamnit, I’m in.” -Kimberly “My dream from December 2020 involved a previous neighbor and his two-mouthed dog. Not two-headed, but two mouthed. Imagine a Doberman crossed with a Big Mac.” -Evil Travis “Sounds like SOMEONE is jealous of the awesome sex her witch friends are having, just saying. #StellaImmanuelOnlyDoesMissionary” -Shannon “Why does Ken Jennings get applause for his use of a buzzer during championship rounds but the Astros are vilified? That’s Double Jeopardy in more ways than one!” -Jess “That's Roman's new move...the Bowel Movement" -JB After Roman tips Corbin over in the potty during Royal Rumble “Smoke my weed.” -Kyle “Tomorrow on Personal Injury Court: "You destroyed my vagina!" Me: "Continue."” -Klauss “Vernon Valley/Action Park on line one.” -Gordon’s one-line review of “Cannonball” “There’s no substitute for good old fashioned know-how.” -Prof. O “So a coworker says she’s pro-gun, pro-God, pro-LEO, pro-Trump, pro-life and that all lives matter. I say to her, quoting Colin Firth, ‘I’m a Catholic whore who is currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black Jewish boyfriend who works at a military abortion clinic. So hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, madam.’ See? I can flex for rubes on social media, too.” -C “Boy. Smoke really let himself go.” -Caleb “SUPER MATCH on tonight’s MGHSH: ______ LOVER $1000: Red Hot $500: Lousy $250: Latin.... I’ve been called all these things. At the same time.” -C “BREAKING: Massachusetts Lottery names Tom Brady its spokesman for its new lotto game -- Pick 6.” -Doug “If music be the food of love, then umami is the food of food!” -Heather “We already have artificial intelligence in the announcers booth… His name is Joe Buck.” -Brian “I don’t have the time or the crayons to show you how you did that wrong.” -Q “Okay so about Herve Villechaize’s dick.” -Klauss “Sharon after two Proseccos is the funniest motherfucker alive.” -Matt Richards “There’s tired, and then there’s Disney tired. He’s worn out!” -Terrie “Who the fuck is Mickey Rooney?” -Greg’s older brother when he was 8 “Remember, exercise causes endorphins. Endorphins make you happy....” -Michael “And happy people don’t kill their husbands.” -everyone  “Peace, love, dope! Now get the hell out of my house!” -Evil Travis “My sister is being disgusted!” -Shannon’s sister “I already have my picks to replace Condfederacy monuments/statues and other members of the slave trade/colonialism. 1. Spock 2, Any Pokemon 3. Columbo (Specifically for Christopher Columbus) 4. The lead singer of GWAR 5. Dolly Parton” -Dane “Having said that, KEEP STAYING INSIDE. Let’s put this in easy terms: did you ever have a teacher say “If you’re good the entire week, we’ll watch a movie in class on Friday”? And when you made it to Thursday, everybody kind of had an eye on the dipshit in the class who was probably going to screw it up for everybody? Okay, right now, as far as COVID goes, it’s Thursday. Keep an eye on Adam. Or...I mean, whatever the kid’s name was in your class.” -Adam “I'm at the level of drunk where everything is HILARIOUS and I'm very pleased with myself... now I’m having a second drink and wearing this VERY NECESSARY hat.” -Arianna “May your 2020 be like ABC’s, shaky at first, but getting stronger.” -BB “A bunch of Goofuses and nary a Gallant.” -Ian “Hard and Stormy - the next pornhub film from Michael Avenatti.” -JB after Chico tried mistakenly to say “Dark and stormy” “With a name like Joe Exotic, expect more fingers than teeth.” -Chico re: Tiger King “I’d rather offend someone by showing up, by trying to understand and trying to care, than offend someone by not showing up, by refusing to understand and for appearing indifferent.” -Christina “If you feel the need to throw shade from behind an anonymous Twitter account... Don’t. Say it to my face or don’t say it at all. Don’t waste my time. It’s 2020. We’re not on here wasting people’s time. Stop it.” -Anne “His shake brings nobody to the yard.” -Jess re: HQreeper “Did Bill Cullen do Blockheads?” -Q “OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!” -C "I do normally have energy, but I did just win the Space Jam, so..." -Neumann “So watching the NFL Playoff game and my first thought is that I wonder how the Houston Astros were able to show the Texans how to steal all of the KC Chiefs' signals from their playbook.” -Gordon “Does anybody here have a dollar?” -C “No but I have a chicken!” -Q “You know what borders on insanity? Canada and Mexico.” -Chelsea’s friend Cathie “A 1 followed by 100 zeroes is known as a Googol. A 1 followed by 1,000 zeroes is known as the number of e-mails you will receive from 1-800-FLOWERS in the week leading up to Valentine's Day if you've ever bought even one bouquet in your life.” -Adam “I think I hate everything and everybody, so I’m going to get drunk on beer that’s been brewed in an old sheep carcass and then I’m going to stick my tiny penis in a dead dog I found in a ditch to make hate-babies or something because I am actually more stupid than mud.” -Alucard, impersonating Trevor Belmont, Castlevania “10/10 for entertainment and entry level gaming abilities. Gratuitous gore and endless ammunition. You will literally cry from laughing. Especially if you're as good at being bad at it as I am.” -Becca “I’m trying to eat better. After work today I’m going to have myself a nice salad. That’s right a nice Caprese salad with tomatoes and mozzarella cheese, and croutons… Well OK one crouton… One very large round crouton. Pizza. I’m going to order a pizza.” -Brian “Coming to theaters in January 2021: 2Jeopardy 2 GOAT.” -Evil Travis “You overthought it!” -Michael “You know me, Michael. Overthinking is kinda my thing.” -C “I had a baby.... in my king cake.” -Kathryn “hear me out: a cross between a heating pad AND a weighted blanket. *become* the hot pocket.” -Chelsea “Guessing both Foxes (New Fox & Disney) are catching onto the reality that Seth (MacFarlane) only has one idea, which he keeps trotting out in different disguises.” -Kevin “How’s your Wednesday?” -Wingo “Oh you know, places to go, people to see, lives to save, asses to cover. You know, a Wednesday!” -C “That’s why I don’t hold grudges, because I can’t remember shit.” -Joey “Brainvision has been brought to you by the Fire Me Please Sporting Division Showdown! Who will win? The Cleveland Browns? The Houston Astros? The NJ Devils? The NY KNicks? It will be fun to find out! That's the Fire Me Please Sporting Division SHowdown!” -Gordon  "I have sent a dick pic. I didnt mean to do it. Mom, I'm sorry.” -contestant on The Circle “You can make excuses or you can make game moves. Pick one!” -C “He who hesitates is sacked.” -Nikki on Tua “Merry Crimbo!... I mean, Merry Chrysler!... I mean...” -Statboy “Welcome to this edition of “Faith in Humanity”, brought to yo by Bleagh. 🤮” -Gordon “Ass trumps feet, count it.” -VRM “On the Season Finale of St. Patswhere, Chief Surgeon Brady suddenly realizes that time has caught up to him and can't accurately perform like he as done in years past. Director of Medicine Belichick talks to his staff and is irate that instead of researching Vrabel-Tannehillitis, they brought him documents on Bunglaria. He punishes them by making them work on back cases and organizing them by bacteria count. In the operating room, time is not on the side of the staff as the patient is also suffering from Henry Syndrome where he rushed for 182 yards and a touchdown. To further accentuate the problems, Belichick finds out that Vrabel-Tennehillitis eats up the time left in the patient, despite his efforts to make time stand still. With time running out, Brady tries to push through his decline and makes a dangerous surgical operation. Sadly, the operation would turn to be fatal for the patient as Brady slips and cuts through vital organs and the scalpal is intercepted by the heart. The patient dies on the table and leaving both Brady and Belichick wondering if they still have what it takes in this new era of medicine. Will our dynamic duo return? find out next season...on St. Patswhere.” -Cyndi “That looks nothing like Tom Villard.” -Mike, anytime someone mentions Chris “Captain America” Evans as “America’s ass” “Okay, no no no no stop halt quit it cease desist. I will sign off on an Anglicized live-action remake of Ranma 1/2 before I approve of this.” -me reacting to a Fresh Prince reboot “Welcome to the Absolutely Fucking Crazy Championship game! With your analysts Tom Brady and Lamar Jackson. Tom: “Hey Lamar, how come we’re not playing in this game?” Lamar: “Cause we suck, man!” • Carl “Politicians are temporary. Wu-Tang is forever.” -@PressedNC “Coffee is not meaningless. Coffee is everything.” -LiyaZee “in the grand scheme of things, aren't we ALL between a sex store and a crematorium?” -Chelsea “You can cancel the show. You can not. Cancel. The culture.” -Chico “Go be bitter elsewhere.” -Hannah “Happy holidays ... and you’re welcome.” -Wayne Brady.... after telling us he’s not wearing underwear. === May our collective 2021 not suck as much as this year did. Seriously, I tried to burn my calendar and it wouldn’t burn.  Anyway, here’s to 2021... Come together, just think of tomorrow. 

[davewakeman]

Talking Tickets--22 May 2020! Bundesliga! Revenue! Rocking At The Drive-In! More!

Hey! 

Thanks for being here again this week. If you are enjoying this newsletter, tell your friends and colleagues to sign up by visiting this link.

Heading into the long weekend in the States, if that really even matters right now…here’s a video that came my way of The National performing a set around the time of their album, High Violet, which is excellent. I’m guessing that they won’t be playing their show at Wolf Trap, but if something changes…I’m there.

I had a chance to participate during Eric Fuller’s Rescue Meet on Tuesday along with Anthony Esposito and a few others from different areas of the industry. You can watch the replay here.

Don’t forget Happy Hour with me and Ken Troupe this afternoon. Ken has fixed the technology and we can definitely have more than 6 people or whatever crazy number kept getting folks bounced that one week.

To the tickets!

————————————————————————————————-

1. Events Are Starting To Come Back With Drive-Ins and Social Distancing: 

In the span of a few moments, we went from having the first social distance concert to having it postponed, to having it back on again. Then we had a drive-in show with 600 cars!

While all of this is positive, the cluster developing at Bryant Denny Stadium in Tuscaloosa shows that we still have to be cautious with our expectations and with the speed of being able to bring events back online and things back to normal.

Casinos in Las Vegas and Mississippi are going to be coming back soon. These aren’t live events, but I do think they will provide us an opportunity to learn about what safe openings and safe gatherings will look like or can look like.

The same can be said for the opening of museums, parks, and other places where folks gather to see art, hangout, and commune. Though I do wonder how marathons and big races are going to manage to come back in the near term…if you’ve never run the NYC marathon or seen it, social distancing is tough.

Th0ugh if you’ve never run the NYC marathon, put that on your bucket list.

All of this highlights the need to continue to watch what other countries are doing, try to learn best practices and to be cautious but creative like these mixed events in Norway. 

2. We will come back, but what will that look like? 

If the coronavirus has taught us anything in the States is that if you don’t have a lobbyist, you don’t have much of a chance of anything.

So far, live entertainment has been hurt about as much as any industry and we don’t have anything to show for it. Regular folks, are in the same boat for the most part. Maybe we should all go into banking or lobbying…

I did do some nerd reading this week and found an interesting piece about neoliberal economic policy and the coronavirus that put a few ideas into my head that I think we can all learn from in this crisis:

* The ideas lying around are important. * What is feasible and likely can change pretty quickly. * Ultimately, ideas change the world.

For all of us, this means a few important things…

* First, push our ideas of helping live entertainment recover. Countries around the world have varying plans for doing just that. In America, we definitely need to continue to push that agenda. My neighbor is a lobbyist and he’s explained the dark arts to me and I’ve worked on a presidential campaign, so I understand how ridiculous the whole process can seem and feel from the outside…and it is, just the people in the middle of it can’t let their own self-importance get in the way of recognizing how ridiculous it is.

* No idea is a crazy idea. You need crazy ideas to come up with workable solutions…look at the stuff above with drive-ins and social distance concerts.

* Show up and do the work. I’ve been talking about change, innovation, and evolution for my entire career…this stuff doesn’t come easy and it doesn’t come fast, but to give up now in the face of the need for innovation is just crazy. The industry needs everyone to be smarter, more thoughtful, and more creative.

I’ll cover economic models and ideas in point 5.

3. Football, Futbol, Soccer Saves Us?! 

Have you picked your Bundesliga team yet?

I’m still sticking with Bayern Munich because of their connection to Oktoberfest and beer!

Did y’all get a chance to catch any of the action from Germany over the weekend? I liked Haaland’s socially distanced goal celebration, but I have to say it was still weird watching football without fans.

On top of the Bundesliga, we also are going to see the return of the Liga FPD as well. (That’s the Costa Rican soccer league.) (ESPN will be showing their games.) (My team is Limon FC…I’ll explain over drinks sometime.)

The French league has already declared Paris Saint-Germain winners, but most of the other leagues around the world are attempting to finish their seasons with the Champions League looking to finish by August.

In the Premier League, we are seeing a lot of caution.

But it will be great to see the EPL return since all of Spurs injured players are back…but we all long for the return of home-field advantage. 

In South Korea, there was a little story that likely gives folks a bit to think about with “unique” partnerships!?

And, if the Grand Final can have fans, I’m hoping that I can be there.

A couple things here:

* I’m glad to have sports back to watch. * Keep paying attention to what is working and what isn’t. * Constantly ask yourself what you are learning from all of these experiences and these events so that you come out of this stronger than before.

4. Arts Have Always Come Back, Yeah! 

I’ve been saying it for months now, people will come back eventually. To think otherwise is to laugh in the face of thousands of years of recorded history.

The challenge in the short term is what will this coming back look like, how quickly will folks feel comfortable, how many financial challenges will we be dealing with, and whether or not we get the marketing challenge correct.

This virus and the financial conditions created by the shutdown of economies around the world have created the most challenging environment for the arts and entertainment in any of our lifetimes, true fact. But the virus and the financial crisis has also highlighted a lot of bad business practices, poor business models, and the need for more innovative thinking any many places.

The challenges that everyone are dealing with aren’t unique to one area of the industry. I mean, movie theatres, musuems, and bars are feeling the pinch as well. Everyone is in the entertainment and hospitality industry.

In speaking at Eric Fuller’s Rescue Meet event this week, I come back to a couple of ideas that seem to sum up where my thinking is this week:

* Creativity and innovation need to be at the front of everyone’s thinking. * Cooperation is going to be key to being successful going forward. * There won’t be a one-size-fits-all plan or approach to coming out of this. And, we have to recognize that earlier rather than later.

5. The Way To Generate Revenue Is Going To Need Some Attention: 

I’m doing a webinar on Tuesday, 26 May with Frederic Aouad from Stay 22 on revenue and creating revenue opportunities now.

Two sessions: 9 AM EDT and 2 PM EDT. We wanted to give folks a chance to join if they were in markets outside of the US or mainland Europe.

The genesis of the idea came out of someone grabbing my notes off the stand at INTIX in Dallas and how I had to come up with a presentation on revenue on the fly. 

Revenue numbers have been in the news a lot the last few weeks as we saw Adam Silver talk about how about 40% of the NBA’s money comes from fans going to games. This week, we saw MLB’s owners share that playing games without fans will cost about $640,000 in losses per game!

I’d always thought the NFL had a little less reliance on in-game revenue, but a report this week put the number at around 38%.

For minor league sports, the threat is even more severe.

So we see that tons of money is still tied up in getting people to get into the games when they are played.

Which really begs a serious question: if getting fans into the stadium is so important, why has the sales and marketing models of the teams in the States been stagnant for so long?

The hard truth is that in Europe, Australia, New Zealand, and many other markets, the creativity to capture more of their fan base has existed for a lot of time and we have to get on-board. I had David Fowler on my podcast before the lockdowns started, but he appeared on Richard Clarke’s podcast this week and talked about his ideas in the context of the coronavirus and I think listening to these guys can be useful. David’s big three are content, creativity, and community.

This all comes up in light of the need to rethink where the money comes in from, this week Kirk Wakefield wrote up a piece about how little folks actually notice sponsors during games. Which was paired with the idea that MLB teams might cover seats with sponsored tarps to help recapture some revenue from not having fans in the ballpark.

And, don’t even get me started on “impressions”, “likes”, and that sort of thing that is basically meaningless but easy to measure. Even though there have been lawsuits about the accuracy of a lot of these social web measurements.

Revenue going forward is going to need a lot of thought, but I’ll offer up three things to consider now:

* The way tickets are marketed and sold needs some serious attention. The folks that have invested in their fans over the years are the exceptions that prove the rule. We all need to rethink marketing and selling practices…which should have been a priority before but when you could just easily raise prices, sell to brokers and consolidators, and fall back on “tickets distributed” as the way you reported attendance…YOLO!

* Investigating where folks are doing things better or where we can learn is going to create a lot of opportunities. What can we all learn from a professional services brand? What can we learn from the school bake sale? A nonprofit? There are millions, or more, examples to learn from.

* I said this in a very pointed way that was likely a bit ruder than I wanted to say it at INTIX in Dallas, but none of us are limited in the way that we make money and generate revenue…we are limited by our creativity and that’s the biggest challenge we are dealing with, limiting our creativity to predetermined ideas and solutions. And, I get it, there are real challenges facing everyone right now, but that should cause everyone to be a lot more creative.

As MJ said, “BREAK!”

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What am I up to this week?

Check out my webinar with Frederic and the folks from We Will Recover. I’m working on getting two or three exclusive blog posts and articles up on the We Will Recover site from some of the smarties I know from around the world including a really great piece from my friend, Georgia, down in Sydney.

The podcast is sitting there with over 100 episodes. I’ve been trying to think about what form, if any, it takes going forward and I’ve come up with an idea now that I think will work for me and offer value to all of y’all. I’m going to focus on the future and I’m going to bring in more folks from my work on strategy and marketing that don’t always touch the world of entertainment as a way to introduce more ideas and a different viewpoint.

Visit my site, www.davewakeman.com.

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Talking Tickets–22 May 2020! Bundesliga! Revenue! Rocking At The Drive-In! More! was originally published on Wakeman Consulting Group