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dinoalexander · 10 months ago

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Your Moment of Zen: The World Famous Semi-Quotable 2023 Quotedown Quotetacular (NSFL)

The following is created from encounters from many friends and loved ones over the past year. And it is my honor to say... READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. === Y'all know what this is... We've done this 21 times before... Here comes #22.... ... as we proceed... ... to give you what you need... ... 2023 QUOTE WALL, LET'S GO! === “Happy 2023! Everything has been perfectly fine the first 2 minutes. Don't screw it up for the rest of us over the next 364 days, 23 hours, and 58 minutes.” -Klaussie

“We won the game. You get a prize, honey. And here is mine!” -The Fifteenth Doctor

“You did the first good thing of 2023. Now you have 364 days to fuck it up.” -Jay “And you know I will…” -C “Multiple times over.” -Jay

“Looks the same, but all the racehorses are one year older.” -Joe T.

“I think Will’s favorite line is “it feels good to be a gangsta” … every time he helps a perp walk.” -Bing

“On New Year's Eve, everyone says that they support you when you fall. On January 2nd, the only thing that's going to support you when you fall is the floor.” -G.

“ I can smell your throat and want to murder you every moment of the day… Romance.” -Shannon

Gordon: BAD BAD PLANT! Jason: I have to report it to PPS Gordon: PPS? Jason: Plant Protective Services Gordon: He's so bad

“The things I miss when I go to bed at the crack of 10.” -C

“Printer + Edge of Table = Always Trouble.” -Hollywood

“So I've been downgraded from hated to just disliked. That's progress.” -G. “Listen… if you don’t go out and get your Monday… somebody else will.” -Miss Sarah

Gordon: You want to see Scream 5? Carlos: I live in your apartment. I think that movie is not gonna scare me

“All hail the Mighty Pop-Tart!” -Hirsh

Gordon: My plant pooped a $100 Money egg. Chico: Hope you wiped afterward. Gordon: Always

“He showed talent, which disappointed me.” -Jay

“You know these are people you want to work with when we are not just talking about The Joker's Wild, but The BILL CULLEN version of The Joker's Wild.” -G., geeking out. “You’re working with keepers.” -Chico “"nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" That's cute and all but have you ever had street tacos while drunk at 2am sold by a nice old Hispanic lady saying "¡Qué lindo! ¡Estás demasiado flaco! ¡Come más!"?” -Kim

“Covid Rica.” -G.

“And now here is your deep thought for a Friday. The first person who ever saw a parrot talk was probably not OK for quite some time afterwards. Think about it.” -Brian

Keep the masks on! -G. I was in the bathroom -Bowler You don't pee through your nose -G.

Get me a ferret or I will cut your balls off - Carlos

I'm pretty sure I didn't intentionally create a User Access Denied page to block me from working -G. ...Or did you? -Boss “FAA had to unplug it and then plug it back in again.” -Heather

“Nothing left to do but throw it out into the universe in the hopes that NMRK course-corrects.” -C

“Listening to country music and sitting on a bed of nails must be similar experiences.” -Sarah

“I’d rather roll in honey butt naked and sprinkle sugar all over myself before jumping on an ant nest the size of a Walmart before ever wanting my baby daddy back. I barely wanted him the first time!” -Jenn

“YouGov paid for my last pair of AirPods, and I’m sure they’ll pay for my next pair as soon as I lose these.” -John Lang, Audit the Audit

“Don't forget the rings. You know what finger they go on, right?” -Carlos “Yes, they are right next to the F*ck You Finger.” -G. “YES! Ha ha ha ha ha ha” -Carlos “Mailbox Mailbox Mailbox Mailbox Mailbox Mailbox Mailbox Mailbox Mailbox Mailbox Mailbox Mailbox Mailbox” -Carlos

“On a side note, I got the lewdle quicker than the wordle, which should surprise no one.” -G.

“O Canada, je suis la jeune fille.” -Statboy “He spoke French, but he’s not French. He’s American!” -Brian

“If you can eat it and like it, I'll be moving towards getting the sponsorship. If it kills you, then I won't.” -G.

“And now the 49ers are in a dire situation at QB… and wait, something’s happening in the stadium tunnel.. good God that’s Colin Kaepernick’s music!” -Mark Ellis

“No one likes Butt-Ass Naked Lanes.” -Panther

“My plant has the munchies.” -G.

“That hairstyle was a choice.” -Brian

“Ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff.” -George W.

“We may have a bigger bunch of haterade next week.” -G. “I'll bring the Church Key.” -C

“Can’t play Lingo without my lucky balls.” -RuPaul, host of Lingo

“Come. Let us play night.” -C

“When you’re in the toilet in Scotland, the smell of cow shit and horse shit overpowers the smell that any human can produce.” -Q

“I'm a stay at home pro bowler.” -Charles K. “You're a stay at home cabbage.” -Justin K.

(Watching Meta taking a Dive) JD Witherspoon somewhere is laughing sipping some tea. -G.

“Herb Abrams! HE FAT!” -C “Next time you're about to complain about cancel culture just remember that a man who is currently under investigation for attempting to overthrow the United States government just got cast as like the Happy Li'l Slice o' Cake on The Masked Singer.” -Dave Holmes

“Can a Game Show stop a Civil War?” -Dave Statman

“Nestor Cortes is on the 15-day DL.” -Greg “Oh, that gives him 15 days to go molest somebody.” -Klaussie

“We’ll get started once we figure out what all these wires do!” -Cory

“What the hell is this nonsense?” -Jordan, on a Dook sweater in the Dean Dome

“Not this game show shit again.” -Carlos.

“Let’s take their Chinese balloon money.” -Jay

“Shut the front door!” -Q “The door is firmly shut. And bolted.” -cruise director Lee

“Kath & Kim… and the Power Rangers Razzle Dazzle Show!” -Klaussie

“A mountain is only unclimbable until it’s climbed.” -Q

“It’s only a Champagne Ranger if it comes from the Champagne region of the Morphin Grid.” -somebody re: Russell Curry’s Cosmic Fury costume

“There is no saving throw for bullshit.” -someone at Jay’s D&D.

“If you are showing any foul play, you will be sent to your dressing room. And if it is really dirty, you’ll be sent to mine.” -The Governess

“No spoilers! I don’t want to know how it ends! Oh wait…” -Paul, re: the HQ Trivia doc

“He couldn’t have been more open if he was wearing a neon sign that said ‘Throw it to me, you idiot!’” -Brian

“Tomorrow's going to be a real banner day for Rich People Who Like Wearing Fancy Hats to Things.” -Kit, on May 6

“Applebee’s food is piss. Even the Hooters we have is slightly better.” -Carl “That’s because Hooters piss is $2.50.” -Kim

“Student: "What's that (you're eating)?" Me: "Prosciutto wrapped around mozzarella cheese." Student: "What's prosciutto?" Me: "A kinda-salty, kinda-fatty ham, just like me." Student is dead.” -Klaussie

“That was uncomfortable. I enjoyed it.” -Jay

“I’m not ashamed. I’m a gentleman. There’s a difference.” -C

“This car is on firrrrrrrrreeeeee!” -G

“What is it with animals and me and shit?” -Q

Jay; “yeah that means…” C: “I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS JASON!” -subject; Bad Bunny’s “Titi Me Preguntó”

“Dad humor numbs the pain.” -Swoop

“Who shot Lee Harvey Oswald?” -Quizmaster “THE CIA!” -… somebody.

“K-LOVE… Imagine what would happen if Great American Family was a radio station.” -C

“TL;DR: Arte Moreno is a cheap, money-grubbing piece of shit.” -JVG

“I’m In Denver for a few while I make my connecting flight to Atlanta. And I’m not gonna lie to you the thin air at this altitude is starting to get to me… for starters, I’m beginning to think this unicorn named Sylvia that I’ve been talking to for the last 30 minutes isn’t real.” -Brian

“Ahh Facebook, still can't tell a joke from your own assholes, can you?” -Justin

“The Giants can have a hot chick as a quarterback and still fail to score.” -G

“My brain is not braining right now…” -everyone.

“You can tell the writers are on strike because you’d never put a hurricane and an earthquake in the same episode.” -Buzzy

“Because Pete Davidson is a man-whore, that’s why.” -Tom

“If I have to ride my autodrafted fantasy team’s ass with a known sexual deviant to the finish, so be it!” -Jay

“New York is the greatest city in the world. Toronto isn’t even the greatest city in Canada.” -The Professor

“Swifties could find Emily Miscavage.” -Emily

“WLTI has been brought to you by Outside your Bubble Burst. Watch JD Witherspoon and others notate on the demise of Facebook and Spotify. Very. Very. Slowly.” -G.

“It's a cross between a Jackson Pollack painting and a Quentin Tarantino movie.” -Evil Travis

“They look like rabbits who have been through some shit.” -Caitlin

“Whoever dances to Beauty and the Beast gets an unfair advantage. All they have to do is recreate the ballroom scene. And they get votes! Dance to the Gaston song. Everyone hates Gaston. Turn that into a dance that gets you votes.” -Q

“Have you ever considered using your gifts for good?” -me after Q pretty much nails how to use “Beauty and the Beast” as an advantage on Disney+ Night of Dancing With the Stars.

“Dangerous fluids everywhere.” -Jay, on Megan’s house

“If you work hard as a kid, you will play hard as an adult. If you play hard as a kid, you’ll end up working hard as an adult.” -Q

“Boy Zaxbys just out here saying to hell with all y’all.” -Big Rick

“My plant is bloated.” -Gordon “It needs an enema.” -J Block

“If I wanted a slide, I would have written in a slide!” -Heather

“You cheerin’ like you gon’ git some of this Whammy money. Girl, bye.” -Q getting WAY TOO INTO a Press Your Luck rerun.

“Now I do NOT recommend you do this but…” -Ken “That’s a green light if ever I saw one!” -C

“Look for the Technicolor yeti.” -Erskine

“(In my best Craig Ferguson voice) Did you guys hear the news, apparently, Tom Brady has decided that he’s going to become a minority owner of the Las Vegas Raiders! I know! And the two are very different of course. One of them is a football institution whose fans are some of the most annoying, sycophantic and overbearing in the world of professional sports, who has been hyped up to hell by people despite success eluding them in recent years, and many people are annoyed by how they skate by on previous success despite many recent failures. And the other are the Las Vegas Raiders.” -Brian

“Nobody wants a WEBP file. I repeat: NOBODY wants a WEBP file. WEBP's own mother doesn't want a WEBP file. If WEBP was an ice cream flavor it would be Moist Gym Socks. If they ever make a movie about WEBP it'll star Dane Cook, Amber Heard and a 3D hologram of Richard Nixon. Go away forever, WEBP format.” -Justin

“Bryce Young is ass.” -Daniel

“Viva Mark Mothersbaugh.” -Tommy

“Sometimes it's a W. Sometimes it looks like a W but it's only 2 crooked L's” -Chris 'Strike Tyson' Schenck

“The mystery is… How does Gritty take a piss?” -Klauss “Sam has done something no one has ever done before! They ate at Cook-Out… sober!” -Cody Dove

“Roosevelt won us the war, but Marshall won us the peace.” -Q

“He still has a whole ass empty hand, quit whining sir.” -Rooks

“BTW - this game is going to be as painful as putting your own junk in a vice grip.” -Jay

“Even though this has been a real pain in the…” -Susan “… TUCHUS.” -C

“Everyone in McKinney is dead. It is hot in McKinney.” -Pete Delkus, on a heat index of “101,105”.

“…stank.” -Brian

“‘Yesterday’s price is NOT today’s price.�� -Fat Joe” -Zenith Ranger & dead ringer for Obama Russell Curry

“Hello trouble!” -Sav “Hello trouble!” -Julia

“Duck Mycinko.” -Ben Potter “Brian Bumblepiss.” -Peter Austin “Hot Fresh Science Fox.” -Ben Potter “Ashton Catthews”. -Peter Austin “And… Billy Ray Walrus.” -Both -TripleJump’s Worst Games Ever

“Life’s too short, so don’t waste time on nothing but the good stuff.” -C

“All this talk about whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie but no one ever fights about whether The Hunt for Red October is a Halloween movie.” -Cara

“Stairs. They’re the tweaker’s natural enemy.” -C

“Those edibles ain’t shit!” -Christian

"i like a good, firm banana" - @BenHigginsSD

“I am Allstate and you are in good hands!” -Q, with a snap and a head bobble

“I’m going to the loo.” -Zoombelina “Make sure you use the toilet!” -The Boss

“… you guys have any Anacin?” -C “What is this, Bill Cullen’s The Price Is Right?” -Jay

“WHO IS HEATH LEDGER?!” -TJ

“If you've lived in New York, being an a-hole is a requirement.” -G.

“Spam is just pantry wagyu.” -Alvin “Heck of a Hill to Die on But Whatever” Zhou

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” -Danielle “But I’ve gotta go to the bathroom.” -Jordan “But I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” -Danielle “Will someone go to the bathroom?” -C

“I have a shameful confession to make. I get Alan Tudyk and Paul Bettany confused. I'm not proud.” -Jonathan

“Can someone tell me what channel the Taylor Swift game is on?” -Cindy

“Laughing for “Our Lady of Perpetual Tournaments” and because my parents are going to be REJOICING.” -Jenny & Chelsea re: J!

“But Chico…. Chaos is good!” -Q

“I’ve Got a Secret. Hosted by Kanye West. The game no one wants to play.” -G.

“My family now refers to me as Chaos Auntie.” -Wingo

“Day 1 down and no one wants to kill each other. Yet.” -G.

“To be the only carrot in a room full of hungry rabbits.” -Q

“So I went from leaving last night to 3 meetings and a great adventure trip. I completely expect to hear from tbs today and if you've seen everything everywhere all at once I expect my fingers to turn into hot dogs.” -G “So a typical morning then.” -C “Yup.” -G

“What happened in Florida, Whitman?” -Greg

“Third down and Roger Goodell’s penis.” -Jay

“McKeever, McIver, MacGruber, MacGyver. Whatever.” -C, trying to pronounce the name of the actress who plays Sam on “Ghosts”.

“You: “Bowls are meaningless now!” Bowls: “It is now time to sacrifice the mascot so that the victors may enjoy their spoils.”” -Joe Ovies

“We're going back home because the Uber Driver is the worst.” -Carlos (Gordon changes the station) “Who changed my music?” -Carlos “The Worst Uber Driver in the World.” -G.

“That was his throwing ankle!” -Brian

“If you have sex with Godzilla, you'll need more than a pill to protect you...and your city.” -Nikki

“Gonzaga is Gonzarbage.” -Daniel

“Elon is proof that nobody can ever have everything. No matter how rich, powerful, or smart he is, he'll never actually be the one thing he wants to be: funny.” -Chelsea

“Show the buzzer kindness, and the buzzer will respond in kind.” -Ben Ben

“Politics is just show business for ugly people. -some guy idk” -Jonathan “J Aubrey” Aubrey

“… why they always gotta have their shirts off?” -Pierogi “Sampson County smells like Darth Vader’s farts.” -Q

“Carbs oh how I missed you.” -Jay

“$5000 says Cat Stevens gets the chair.” -“Pete Rose”, 2004

“All the trivia nights we’ve been to, and you remember the one where Quisla brought up Pokémon-inspired sex positions.” -C

“I’m just gonna bleep the bitches because it’s funnier.” -Greg

“My sensors are detecting a vibe.” -Alpha 9 (Richard Horvitz)

“Brain Return on Lane 41.” -G.

“The people who watch The Bachelor for drama watch NASCAR for the wrecks.” -Jay

“An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Botswanan, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Puerto Rican, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a Sammarinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a bar… The doorman stops them and says “Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai." You're welcome.” -Blish

“Meetings, meetings, meetings.” -Carlos “Welcome to America, the land of meetings.” -G.

“This April, you will know his name. You may not be able to spell it, but you will know it.” -C re: Brian

“You're full of Moo Poo.” -G.

“The cheek! The nerve! The audacity! The gall! The gumption! The Aggro-Crag-sized global guts on you!” -C

“I'll take dumb people who should be strapped to a nuclear warhead for $1,200, Mayim.” -G.

(Watching Jeopardy) “I hate this shitty program.” -Carlos (Ed: get out)

So playing Jeopardy: Fish or Foul for $200. The Answer: Where Foul Go to stay for the night. The Question: What is Chicken Inn? -G. That’s 🥚-zactly the spirit! -Dave S.

(Quisla eats a basket of French fries while waiting to pay for them…. Then looks at Chico’s basket of fries… which also haven’t been paid for.) Q: “You gonna eat those?” C: “MINE!”

“BEHOLD… THE DECABOX!” -VRM

“And that Travis is getting too much TS lovin’.” -J, re Travis Kelce

“I’m in Dunkin getting a coffee and this lady is trying to start a Christmas Carol singalong. Girl, if you don’t sit your Disney movie ass down somewhere!” -Bruce

“I just saw an ad on NBA TV for a podcast with Ernie Johnson and Charles Barkley. Paraphrasing... Barkley: I want to get an M tattooed on each butt cheek. Johnson: Why? Barkley: If I'm standing up, it says MOM but if I'm standing on my head, it says WOW.” -NBA on TNT

““Callahan! That 34 Oz. Hickory bat you’re swinging is against regulation! In this clubhouse, we do things by the BOOK!”l -Brian, on Willie Stargell looking like every cinematic police chief.

“I’d like to recommend reading the Up With People Wikipedia page as a lesson the subtle art of criticism.” -Muffy

“Can’t spell Dallas without two straight Ls.” -BFG

“Can we stop saying the word ‘buttcheeks’?” -Eli Manning

“Give this man a Sharpie.” -C to Brandy re: new hire, channeling his inner Black Panther.

“‘You sure you don’t want me back?’ I will write it in blood if you need me to.” -Q, re: Jenn’s baby daddy quote

“So apparently I found out that our new son tried to burn down the apartment, which at least would stop you from complaining about how messy it is.” -G.

“Watching this Mar a Lago speech is worse than drinking unflavored Trilyte colonoscopy prep & when you finish the gallon they bring a beer bong w/6 more gallons for you to consume while listening to your uncle w/dementia & halitosis muse about the raging dysentery he had in Korea.” -Mattie Timmer

“$50,000 for a helicopter ride? For $50,000 it better transform into a Gundam.” -C

“Isaiah Pacheco does his shimmy. It drives the women in Kansas City crazy!” -Brian

“What were you doing on your birthday?” -C “Working.” -Q “What was I doing on my birthday?” -C “Working.” -Q “So what are we doing here on vacation?” -C “Talking about working.” -Teddy

“Enjoy Drake Maye stinking it up in Arizona.” -Greg

“Fortune favors the bold. And the chickens who maintain the inn.” -G.

“Muffy Marracco: Helps You Get Drunker By The Hour.” -Muffy

(Planning Bowling matches) “We're matchmakers now as well lol.” -Rudy F. “Which one of us is Tevye?” -G.

(Wearing a brown wig) “It's not TV, It's Wiggyvision.” -Douglas H.

“What oil pattern is this?” -Joe P. “This is the famous Oil of Olay pattern.” -G.

“Let’s rush’em! They can’t stop all of us!” -Q

(After getting Jasser a sandwich instead of what he wanted) I ask for Chetos. You get me a sandwich - Jasser Chetos in Spanish means Cheetos. It does not mean Sandwich -G. Si -Jasser (scowling) “The Word of the Day is Banhammer.” -Nick G.

So you want a little of everything -G. Yes. I want a smorgasbourg. I want a Smorg. -Lauren R.

“I have no idea what is going on, and I am here for it anyways!” -Carl K.

“Man, I REALLY hate those Pfizer ads…” -Ian

“I got nothing, but hey, I’ve got a lot of it!” -Jill

“Hi Ted, Ron here. Listen, I know how tempting it is to appeal to the real lowest form of humanity here in the United States, the bottom feeders, people who pride themselves on hatred and un-education and inability to read and inability to understand the difference between true patriotism and the bulls*** you’re selling. I know how tempting it is to play to those people, because at least you have a base, but Jesus Christ Ted, for somebody with a really, really small d***, you get to be a bigger p***k every f****** day. Go f*** yourself.” -Ron Perlman to Ted Cruz.

“Is Austin Reaves the best undrafted player of all time?” -somebody on Twitter. “Ben Wallace won Defensive Player of the Year four times and is the reason Kobe & Shaq didn’t win four. This app needs an age limit.” -Somebody else on Twitter

“Do I want to sleep to Special Forces or do I want to sleep to Baltimore/Cincinnati?” -G

“Wanna try street hockey?” -Jordan “I gotta pee first.” -C

“Somebody hit somebody!” -Brian

“I am about ready to trade Drew Lock for a reconstituted and reanimated Sean Lock. It could scarcely be any worse.” -Evil Travis

“Debate: Does Yoda sound more like Grover or Miss Piggy?” -Dane

“NFL uses CONFUSION! It’s super effective!” -Tom

“This is how riots begin.” -Robin

“Hey! Tom Brady… We don’t believe you.” -Jay

“That man is gonna move to the Triangle and bring every convo you have with him back to the fact he’s from New York and that you can’t find any good takeout around here.” -Joe Ovies, re: Tommy DeVito

“Programming note… the CFP show will air upon the conclusion of the basketball game featuring Fuck U and Tossoff State.” -C

The most frustrating part of hoping to get a phone call from a number you don't know: You have to answer EVERY call and suffer through every robocall and solicitation. -Sonic Whammy I'm sending you every single Car Insurance Warrantee call that comes my way, just to let you know 😃 -G. Gordon Pepper I'm touched -Sonic Whammy

“Latte - $5.00. Bottle of Water: $40.” -Richard Barone

“Quisla, stop turning off the television!” -C

“No… also no.” -Victoria “The Queen” Groce

Give these steps a go for me please -Worker Doing that now...I'm getting a picture of an apple and no loading bar -G. If you’re still holding the keys you can let go and see if the loading bar appears after -Worker Nope. Still the apple menacing me lol. Thoughts? -G. You mind sending me your Mac serial number? You should see it in very very tiny print on the back -Worker If you tell me that It's a demon MAC possessed by goblins and I need to leave the house immediately. I could believe that -G. At this point I think that’s the only logical conclusion -Worker

“Predetermined Bullshit. The latest fragrance from Calvin Klein.” -C

“The first steel coaster was opened in 18-rickety-dickety-doo.” -Chris aka Airtime Thrills

“I don't follow enough sports to properly complete this joke but "[INSERT FOOTBALL TEAM HERE] is looking as useless as a back button on Facebook today".” -Terry

“This song has an instruction to "Think Dolly" and feels the need to explain who Dolly Parton was. HOW DARE YOU. I blame the young people.” -Heather

I need Chicken -Jasser

“Lydia’s animated. Quisla’s animated. Get’em together, it’s the Cartoon Network.” -C

Ezra Miller, who was a contestant on Jack Black's 'Jablinski Games', is playing a new game called 'Why am I in your Bedroom?' -G.

“Great effin’ job, Al, on that call with all the enthusiasm as watching a janitor mop the floor at McDonald’s at 3 in the morning.” -Greg

“So I just had a rep from SiriusXM call me to sell me radio. I bought a new car recently. Of course it comes with a 3-month trial, and I love it. I try to explain to her that I work in REAL radio, terrestrial radio, local radio, actual RADIO radio. She’s trying to tell me how streaming is so much better… THAN WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING! ….bitchgetoffmyphone!”- Miss Sarah

“Fancy hotel shower.” -Q

“I’m a benevolent quiz overlord… not like those bastards at Jeopardy!” -Buzzy

“i look forward to everyone in my hometown reacting to this in a completely civil manner, with no anger whatsoever!” -Jordan

“Barnacles.” -Paul

“I don't like strikes. They are bad for you.” -G. “Just make your spares, Gordon.” -DouglasVision

“Gordon bowls? I've never seen Gordon bowl.” -Brandon B.

“I take one whiff downwind of the cafeteria and I thank every god in the multiverse that I have brought my lunch today.” -C

“We’re putting a helmet on RJ.” -Jordan

“I can't make strikes!” -G. “We know you can't make strikes. There's something wrong with Gordon.” -Douglasvision

“You broke him, Kimberly.” -C “Sucks to suck.” -Kim

“In addition to a quote wall, I think a wall of AI images is needed. The world needs 7-finger McLean Stevenson.” -Klaussie

(Carlos walks in) Gordon: I'm teaching Jasser English. Carlos: eh? Gordon: Agua Jasser: Water Gordon: Leche Jasser: Milk Carlos: My turn. Gordon: Ok Carlos: Fuck me in the Bathroom Gordon: (Faceplant) Carlos: Fuck me in the kitchen Gordon: Jasser, no digate nada Carlos: Pierro is a Cum Whore Jasser: Pierro is a Cum whore Gordon: (Faceplant) Jasser: Que? Carlos: Pierro gusta luche para mi chorizo a se boca Jasser: Ah Pierro: Jasser, repita por favor: Carlos is a nasty bitch Jasser: Carlos is a nasty bitch Gordon: Dios mio.

“Plot twist: the cat is the actual "Person of the Year". So all the haters can quit their seething now, kthnxbye...” -Dane

“The real Daily Doubles are the friends we made along the way.” -Emily

“Friday is Leg Day, as in put those legs to work by getting 3 dozen donuts.” -Klaussie

“I'm mad Gordon cashed in the tournament. (Bleep)” -Douglasvision

“I regret emotional investment.” -everyone experiencing disappointment and having seen Strange Planet.

“You needed to be here to ride coasters with Danielle because that's a hell no from me.” -Jordan

“Bobby Hill is a Disney Princess confirmed.” -Chelsea

“(The Shark Tank Sharks’) ‘success rate' at funding successful companies is at best comparable to the batting average of below-average baseball players. They get lucky and confuse it with acumen.” -David B.

“Riverside, motherfucker!” -Carl

“I’m sorry, but even inside a store… With the factory seal still on… I refuse to believe there’s cookies in this tin. And my therapist wonders why I have trust issues.” -Brian, on Royal Dansk cookies

“Ending of UNC vs. UVA providing drama on @thecw I haven't seen since Gossip Girl went off the air.” -Joe O.

“Nick Adams, YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK!” -Tom

“The Titans wearing throwback Oilers uniforms against Houston feels so wrong.” -Jay O’Brien “Peak petty.” -LaKedra

“I’m on pins and needles to see if you bought this!” -Jess, re: Brian’s Danish cookies

“I would’ve been better if the person I was bowling was a righty like myself. But noooooo Gordon Pepper was on a better side. The left side. The not so used side. Good job Pepper. Hope you take home the cheddar as in Moola.” -Elijah B.

“The internet was doing so well with the submarine memes, and then I saw that.” -Klaussie, re: Dunkaccino

“I don’t know but whatever it is, it’s covered in cheese.” -C, on breakfast casseroles

“Makumba!” -Carlos

“"Well, it's-- Ah, you wouldn't be interested. It's too lowbrow." "No...I'm QUITE lowbrow."” -Brian

“This is a pretty blue car...” -Car Insurance Agent. “Well it was a pretty blue car. Now it's a pretty blue accordion.” -G.

“If Bob Iger were to purchase the WWE, it would make it officially a Mickey Mouse organization.” -Klauss

“Fook.” -G.

“I am officially "ooh, who knew LL Bean had such nice things" years old.” -Wingo

Why are the lanes so dry? Who oiled them? -Bradley E. It was supposed to be the Tin Man from Oz, but he needed the oil more -G. That explains everything -Bradley E.

“Interesado -Mike D.

“I try not to take too much stock on what people say on social media because Twitter is the mark of the Beast and I refuse to go to Hell for my job.” -C

“I apologize for being over-the-top obnoxious. I only wanted to be semi-obnoxious but I got carried away.” -G.

“No money, no honey.” -Jasser

From the creators of 'Why am I in your bedroom?' comes the new game show called 'Why am I hitting you with a chair?' -G.

May we all strive to be 😎 better than Ezra. - Doug M.

“My commencement speech: if you're a gorgeous 20-something... get you some ugly friends. B/c their reality is your future. You need to prepare for a time when you're not getting all the world's favors. Now I'm not saying these friends need to be butt ugly. But they need to be avg enough that they've had to a) develop layered personality b) have some shrewd sense of how to operate in the world c) been mistreated enough that they have thicker skin d) have perseverance and know how to bounce back from the world judging them by their book cover. We all get less attractive as time goes on, but do you have a beauty retirement plan? As I get older I'm meeting more and more former playboys and faded hotties who are bitter, confused, and totally unprepared for not getting the free drink from the bartender and the extra guac on their taco. They didn't have a beauty retirement plan, and it's rough out there. Bikini cute is just a short minute. But the future always belongs to the plain-looking, middle child wearing boxers and New Balance sneakers. Look at Silicon Valley, look at DC, look at who runs the world. It isn't Fabio.” -Aurin S.

“We need to go to Fright Fest so I can feed you to the zombies.” -G.

"In 2020, Madison Cawthorn became the youngest Republican elected to Congress in American history. In 2022, he became the youngest Republican to lose re-election to Congress in American history," -Ben Collins

“Stop acting like a psychotic Oompa Loompa.” -G.

“I’m doling out truth bombs! Who wants to get blown?!” -C

“FAT FUCK MAGIC!” -Jay re: the Detroit Lions

“Chatting on Facebook - is that part of the work you do?” -Carlos “Why yes. Yes it is”. -G.

“Quisla Quisla Quisla Quisla… the vacation… begins in your mind… before you EVAH leave the house.” -C

“Guess who blew me off for Valentine's Day.” -Lisa D “I'd rather he blew you.” -G.

“Put your pants on, Chico. We’re getting a car.” -Quisla

Carlos: I made like 500 usd for 10 years of service Gordon: You'd make more in New York for 10 hours of service.

“Holy Hannah!” -Klauss

(Points to the Special K Box) - Now this is a real cereal -Carlos You're only saying that because there's a giant cock on the box -G. (Carlos stares at the box. Gives the finger)

There was a United Nations summit in Central Park -G. How many delegates -Ben T. Enough for 6 continents. And stenographers -G.

“Better send those refunds.” -Joe Burrow

(Walks into Carlos watching the X-Men in Spanish) OOh! Is this the X-Men? -G. Noooooo, It's Porn -Carlos (Points to Nightcrawler) It's not just his tail that's long and pointy -G.

“Waffles are just pancakes ribbed for your pleasure.” -Jay

“I’m leaving this in as punishment to myself.” -C

“If it was Tom Brady or anyone on the Cowboys, Skip would want the season cancelled.” -best. Comment. Ever.

“Fragile ego. Fragile body. Weak mind. Weak spirit.” -Jon Moxley

“I don’t miss.” -Jessica

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then... you're doing things you've never done before and more importantly, you're Doing Something.” -NEIL GAIMAN

“In hindsight, I preferred it when Will Smith’s love interests just vanished with no explanation or sense of closure.” -Adam

“Aren’t you supposed to call a doctor if your election lasts this long?” -Daniel

“Every time I hear a government official describe Russia's invasion of Ukraine as "an imperialist land grab" I'm like "oh, so you do know what that means..."” -Wingo

“I vow to be a cleaner MK in 2023. And when that's busted at 12:10 AM on 1/1/23, I'll be back to my usual raunchy, ribald self.” -Klaussie

“I’m not that good! I’m just the best at… fucking.. TRYING! I’m the best at fucking trying.” -C

“When you eat a poop sandwich, but the bread is terrific. Then you go to the restaurant and get the same sandwich with different bread.” -G

“Take the last two off the year sign and shove it up the ass of an elephant. Someone gimme that 3.” -Carl

“Yes, we all know MTV used to play music. It’s time to let it go.” -Josh

“Why don’t you force an answer out of yourself for a change?” -C

“When I said, “South Carolina is so pretty—we should spend more time here,” I didn’t mean driving the entire state at 35 MPH.” -Clay

“I finally get Taskmaster.” -C

“A clown’s average yearly salary is $40,000-$50,000. And here you are being one for free.” -Anneke

“And remember.. you can’t spell ‘similar to but legally distinct from’ without TEMU.” -C

“Hi good morning it’s Monday it’s foggy but it’s warm enough to sit outside I already took an everything shower and scrubbed off every skin cell that was present in 2022 and moisturized from head to toe so I’m a newborn baby glazed donut girlie with clear hair love you ok bye.” -Shannon

“PUT THAT… IN YOUR COMIC BOOK… AND SMOKE IT!” -Joe O

“It’s better than buying the new Blad Bhabie single. And for the Americans who do not understand that reference…. Ignorance is bliss, my friends. Ignorance is bliss.” -The Right Opinion

“GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!” -C whenever Jay says something remotely profane. Which happens once every…day. === And goodnight everybody...everybody. Come together, just think of tomorrow. :)

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