#wut are you doing in my swamp

[embersekai]

(i maded diz a few weekz ago cuz he reminds me of Shrek 4 sum reason but hokey smokes i couldn’t stop laughing! someone please halp meh out.)

Springtrap © Scott Cawthon, FNAF

[thessalian]

Faerun!Alisaie vs Lorroakan

Aylin: Ah! Come and tell us the glorious tales of your recent deeds! You have anger-face!

Alisaie: It's been kind of anger-time, honestly. I mean, at least we sorted out the mess with the newspaper people and that bounty-posting wizard asshole--

Aylin: Which 'bounty-posting wizard asshole'?

Alisaie: Oh. Right. With the whole hag thing, I kind of forgot to mention - there's this wizard asshole called Lorroakan who hired a bounty hunter we met waaaaaaaaaay back in the Emerald Grove to find him the Nightsong because the wizard asshole's another one who apparently wants to live forever--

Aylin: ...wut.

Alisaie: I know, right? I'm pretty sure you'd get bored after a few hundred years. Anyway, point is, I scared the bounty guy away and told Lorroakan you flew away to fuck-knows-where. Or died. I don't remember which. Anyway, sorted.

Aylin: ...Right. I am going to STOMP HIM.

Alisaie: But ... Aylin, I get it, I do, but he thinks you're well out of his reach now and we have--

Aylin: Since Ketherick Thorm's example wasn't enough, I will show exactly what happens to people who want to cage me.

Isobel: I kind of want to go too, honestly...

Alisaie: Okay, but--

Aylin: Well, I'm going now; meet you there.

Alisaie: But we just finished fighting Sharran cultists and--

Aylin: *flies off*

Alisaie: *siiiiiigh* Well, so much for a long rest to get our magic recharged. Team Dangerous Company, assemble...

And, over in Sorcerous Sundries

Gale: I wonder if we're actually going to have to rob the place after we kill Lorroakan...

Alisaie: I think it's better making Astarion look like a bit of an idiot stealthing when he doesn't have to than to just blatantly walk in and waste my verbal get-out-of-jail-free card. ...I mean, there's a massive hole in the jail now so at least breaking out would be easy...

Aylin: LORROAKAN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

Rolan: Wait. The Nightsong he's been burbling about for years is a person?

Lorroakan: Yep; now get the shackles I set up!

Rolan: How about ... no.

Alisaie: ...wut.

Rolan: Look, Lorroakan, you're a shit wizard and a worse mentor and you've encouraged me to be nothing but shitty to everybody and these people have saved my life and the lives of my friends and if they're going to stomp you into a smear on your carpet, I am going to help.

Gale: ...Well. That happened. At least another wizard on side will be a vaulable ally in the fight to come.

Alisaie: HE HAS LIKE FIVE HIT POINTS.

Rolan: Forty, in point of fact, but...

Lorroakan: MEPHITS! TO ME!

Alisaie: ...Well, at least it's just mephits...

Lorroakan: *summons what looks more like full-on elementals instead*

Alisaie: ...Dude, your definition of 'mephits' and the ones I saw in the hag-swamp are two very different things!

Stabnation: *ensues*

Elementals: *wreck everyone's shit up, including Aylin's*

Lorroakan: Try not to actually kill my key to immortality, if you don't mind...

Alisaie: ...Fuck it. It worked for the hag. *Mobile Flourish - Ranged*

Lorroakan: *is yeeted off a balcony and dies*

Rolan; Elementals: .....................

Gale: You get used to it.

Elementals: *go on attacking anyway*

Wyll: Don't these things get ... I don't know, un-summoned when the person who summoned them dies?!?

Gale: Not particularly!

Rolan: If you must know, if the one who summoned an elemental dies, the elemental is free to do what they want - either to go back to their elemental plane or ... 'wreck shit up' where they are. And we've been stabbing them for the last ten minutes!

Alisaie: ...Wait. If they go back to their elemental plane ... they stay there?

Rolan: Generally. Why?

Alisaie: *puts swords away*

Wyll: Wait what are you doing?!?

Alisaie: *pulls scroll*

Gale: Oh. Ooooh...

Alisaie: *casts Banishment*

Shadowheart: ...Oh. Right. I can actually do that. *also casts Banishment*

Alisaie: I really need to remember I have magic. Just ... shiny rapier.

Rolan: Well. I mean, if you don't want this place, I guess it's my tower now. But I'm going to be a way better wizard than that asshole.

Gale: Are you going to let us rummage the archives to find Important Book?

Rolan: I might, but that freak in the book section will take some convincing and it's going to take weeks for the sentries to be recoded and...

Alisaie: I get it, it's cool, put your house in order first. We'll be discreet.

Gale: We are looking for information to save the world and we're having to be discreet because--

Alisaie: Because a traumatised and abused man is taking the eminently reasonable time required to heal before he recodes all the staff here to give us a "get out of everything free" card. We have Astarion. I can talk around the sentries. We will be discreet.

Shadowheart: You just want to give Astarion the promised heist, don't you?

Alisaie: He's still bummed about missing the printing press infiltration. He's owed. ...Aylin? You okay?

Aylin: Meh. That wasn't as satisfying as I thought it was going to be. Give me a minute and then we'll go.

On the way back to Elfsong Tavern to clean up a bit

Wyll: I suppose a warrior like her will get a little flat when she takes that much beating in a fight...

Alisaie: ...Noooooooo ... this is going to be a Thing later. So we're going to decide whether we're hitting the anti-refugee assholes in the fireworks shop now, or going straight back to Sorcery Central for the heist while Rolan's getting constructs to clean up the bloodstains.

Gale: You know my vote. Books. Always the books.

Alisaie: Also maybe find a way to tell Rolan that maybe 'Sorcerous' is a bit of an appropriative name for a shop?

Shadowheart: ...How 'appropriative'?

Alisaie: Sorcerers are born magical. Wizards strive to be magical. And warlocks have magic thrust upon them.

Gale: You know the original of that one was a sex joke, right?

Alisaie: Am I not a bard? It's not against Wyll; I just like the idea of Mizora being so hard up that she's effectively willing to trade massive magical power for a quick blowjob behind the privies.

Wyll: .....................*hysterical laughter*

Alisaie: There we go. Better laughing in her face than being glum in her general direction. Mostly because I probably shouldn't have the Ravengard heir involved in heists and I need to bring Astarion anyway. *kicks open the door to their rooms* Hey Astariooooon... Want to rob a wizard?

Astarion: You read my mind. What else is on the docket after that?

Alisaie: Shutting down the anti-refugee fireworks assholes. Up to you whether you want in on that one or not.

Astarion: ...We'll see. I'll think about it. On one hand, it's altruism at its 'finest' ... but on the other hand, a good meal so you don't have to worry I'm snacking on the cook downstairs.

Alisaie: ...I guess if you're saying it, you're generally not doing it. C'mon. Heist.

[joytraveler]

Death Master 2 (continued)

The third stage is a gruesome swamp, which seems to be being used for a butcher's larder-- what with all the dead animals hanging from the trees!

"Ohhh that, that Sneaky Pete!!" Bea growls at her mysterious foe. The morbid stage ahead rather distracts her, however. "Maybe we... maybe we just shouldn't do this, we've had enough of this game haven't we??"

Glockroach: Leatherface is gonna be the boss of this HNV: It's this or Box Baby, Bea... make your choice

"Mmmm I sure do love Slaughter Swamp! Yep, just gonna mosey right along ahead there!!"

Of course the decapitated animals fall out of the trees and attack you. Why would they not, right? And bony arms grab at you from out of the swamp... And finally a towering pile of SOMETHING rises up out of the muck, surrounded by swirling will o' wisps!

Llord_Kuruku: ok wut john_brown: wait I thought this was a fantasy hack and slasher why are you fighting the poop emoji???

"THE GREAT MIGHTY POO!" Bea sings at the top of her voice! "Hehgegehehehehgggfff I don't wanna touch it, no!! Long range, gimme the torch, NO!" She has to chase after an annoying little ghost to get the torch to set her weapon ablaze!

Once the stack of brown stuff's gaseous little friends are destroyed, it weakens and collapses, leaving behind some sort of shrine, half sunk in the murk; Alonzo stares at it for a second, and there's another flashback.

"Here we go, nnng.. comfort food.. What's the happiest thing I have.." she reaches to the snack table.. "Yesss, gummy sharks.. Ok I'm ready"

The sunken shrine fades to a newer shrine in a brighter forest, where Alonzo is being led along by a shrine keeper, and shown two mosaics. One shows the Death Master, whom we already know, raising the dead from their graves. The other mosaic shows a different figure – the one who's been following you all along – who seems to be putting live people into graves!

john_brown: i really like the little world mythology this game is building Syrupentine: oh, it's like the Wizard of Oz! This guy's brother is hunting you for killing him and taking his place! His scythe, whatever

"Right, so I must be the Good Death of the North, meaning I have to be enemies with Elphaba now"

aroseahorseboy: now don't get me wrong this game is totally cool and gory and everything but! I feel like they are beating around the bush and not telling us about glem and his mom and dad!

Stage 4 starts with a horrible monster's maw, seeming to form the gateway to this next world. As Bea treks through, though, it becomes clear that it's no metaphor-- the whole next stage takes place inside the body of a vast dead creature!

pigbarrel: hey, its my house!! pull up a maggot and make yourself at home!

Sunlight shines through the many gaping holes in the monster's body, illuminating all the lovely scenes of Alonzo hacking his way through gigantic decomposers and detritovores, and running from collapsing vertebrae and certain things that are partially digested but still alive. The music even seems composed of various squelches and gurgles, to boot. A long, spiraling spinal staircase is the worst part, with a sea of roiling worms rising up after her!

"Hey, my followers! No autographs, please.”

Apparently this monster was a female, because the boss of this stage is a zombie egg, able to 'hatch' seemingly any number of appendages from under its calcified shell! At one point it becomes a pinwheel of wings and legs, and at least four shrieking beaks!

pigbarrel: and there's me, sorry for all the attacking HNV: I wondered if your Facebook picture was accurate, sorry for doubting you SugarGlyda: !!!!! oh its a perfect limb baby!!!

When the egg is finally stilled, Alonzo makes his way out onto a ridge overlooking a valley, that glows menacingly with purple evil. But, once again, we get a flashback; Alonzo and his would-be bride, embracing as they sit on the ridge together, watching as a magnificent, phoenix-like bird soars over the sunset-- in fact it's clearly the very bird whose ruined body you just journeyed through.

"I'm not crying internally, nope not me.. Made o' granite, be I."

TaichouSenseiKun: It's okay Bea let it out john_brown: why is this game so sad though?? HNV: We end up asking that about almost all of them honestly

To be concluded.

[raayllum]

i don't even care that they're animated characters but AESTHETIC ATTRACTION EXISTS Y'ALL people are so dumb smh his character design is cool good for him!

This just in: noticing and appreciating character changes that animators and character designers purposefully had to change and put in is Bad, for some reason. In unrelated news purity culture police has no idea why far right conservatism and moral panicking is on the rise

[shadlad24]

Too Much

Hey, guys…

Do I think about things too much? I think I think about things too much. Also, yes, I'm thinking too much about thinking I think too much.

You’re welcome. Also-also! Say that^ five times fast. LOLz

But, like… as you probably know, I’m losing interest in being a Xena poster. Branching out hasn’t been very successful either, other than that one time. Ahem. Tangents. <_<

Anyway, being the latecomer I am, I just watched “Interview with the Vampire” for the first time ever last night or the night before. And, y’all! I have questions!* Does anyone know a good place to ask ’em?

One unrelated one being how long a human brain can survive without sleep. ’Cuz it’s Friday night, and I’ve slept a collective… like, seven hours this week. Halp. Am I making sense? I think I’m making sense. I’m trying to make sense of making sense. And making sense of you guys being able to make sense of my sense. …Wut? *dead* heh

—SPOILERS AHEAD—

*Why was Lestat SO un-killable? How does he survive everything, when no one else can survive anything??? Like… he went all woozy before getting his throat slit, then deflated and hemorrhaged much more blood than could possibly fit in his body. The other two dumped his desiccated corpse into a swamp where a gator clearly ate him thereafter. But somehow… he reinflated, then bit the croc from the inside and ate his way out? Is there a vampire alligator floating around in the Louisiana bayou now? ’Cuz like, it and Lestat consumed each other’s blood. (Might not Lestat have softened Claudia’s heart toward him if he gave the creature to her as a pet? …Nah! She despised reptiles. haha)

Ahem. ANYway, dude-man next gets set on fire (Why are vampires so very, very flammable?) and left like that for quite some time, which destroyed the entire theater of vampires. Didn’t leave a single burn on Old Staty, though, apparently. Conversely, are all the theater kids fine since fire doesn’t do much to the undead after all? ’Cuz a hundred years or whatever after Lestat’s immolation, Louis finds him wasting away but still very much “alive;” Lestat begs Louis to stay with him but gets abandoned. Which would presumably kill him. But no. He’s fine.

But, like, he had such a huge reaction to the helicopter searchlights (What were the police [?] looking for so suddenly, by the way?), and the trio had to always sleep in coffins. So, how did Lestat survive exposed in a sunny swamp for weeks on end, then? Or did he burn up like Claudia and Madeline did but then just shook that off every night too? …How???

Lastly (for now), Louis HATED being a vampire and felt so conflicted about it for so long and all. Blah’dy blah. He was like, “I’m doomed! DOOMED to an eternal hell, I tell you!!!! There’s no escape!!! 😭” But he saw with and through Claudia three seemingly very effective ways to end his existence. Well, okay. Neither that whole dead-blood-drinking nor the old set-him-on-fire schtick stuck with Lestat, but I’m pretty sure that was just him. No? Either way, all vampires instinctively knew to fear and avoid sunlight. Then Louis found Claudia turned to ash by it. Like, dude. Dude! If you really wanna end it all that badly… pull back a curtain. Open a window. Open a door. Take a step outside of your house during daytime hours. Any one of those things is really all you’ve had to do this whole time, especially after the loss of Claudia and your successful (?) vengeance for her. …No? Am I missing something?

[catrasredemption-moved]

Man, do I wish you didnt post the MAGA anon, its actually kind of spot on characterisation wise and now I cant get Catra saying "he's going to drain the swamp and make america geat again Adora" out my head, my crops are dying, my family is in shambles and I got a pimple for the first time in a week

lmao wut. Catra would overthrow Trump for being an incompetent fuckwad. Hordak pouted over Entrapta and Catra tossed him under the bus. She doesn’t have time for that bullshit.

[godspeednpcs]

@godaneward​ asked: “YOOOOooooo– wut…?” DANE pauses at the girls with plastic eyes, doing his best to do his mom and sister proud with a calm demeanor. “uh, yeah? I heard there’s a new house that came up.” he hefts up a bag of 100 DRACHMA. “got a gift-kinda thing, you know. for welcomin and all that.”

when the dragon lands, DANE’S stance shifted back, but he didn’t draw or charge a bolt. the transformation leaves the witch speechless for a second. after that pause, DANE holds up the bag of coins for LAMIA. “welcome wagon! to get you three settled in n'all.” he glances up at the sky, then back to her. “DANE. son of HECATE. my sister’s a sea monster, so.” he lifts a shoulder, an easy shrug. “we’re cool, right?”

ironically enough, lamia was just coming up from a swim when dane approached them. even though she was done with the swamp land of nightmares, she was still a lady of the lake and enjoyed a nice dip. “are all the demigods as welcoming as you are? thank you.” at least hudson seemed to be right in thinking that the demigods would accept them.

lamia placed a wet hand on dane’s cheek as she grabbed the bag of drachmae and handed it off to her daughters. “we’re cool.” sea monsters had a special place in her heart and if he was a sea monster adjacent, well then that was close enough. “bet you’re filled with a lot of magic that can go bump in the night. a pleasure to meet you, son of hecate.” 

𝐃𝐀𝐍𝐄 𝐃𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐋𝐀𝐌𝐈𝐀

[eatinsleepin]

A'ight a'ight a'ight

And then things were good.

So we straight up took an Uber back to the hotel. From down the street. Because mud and rain and hospital bills.

No regrets.

Got back and ironed our pants to dry them and stuck my hair dryer in my bf's shoes. That actually took a while so I fired up the straightener too. That worked alright. Got those dry enough. Ain't nobody like swamp foot.

Looked outside about a dozen times in an hour, checking on rain status. Fussed like a grandma about my hair. It was a whole thing.

But.

Eventually.

We're ready.

Head out and LO! The rain is barely coming down. We can walk! Hooray! The security lady asked us if we were "going to the Justin Beiber concert". Lyke. Wut.

No.

But 5:30, we roll up in line, sweating like hellllllllll but whatever. Because dude, if we'd waited any longer, we would have been so, so, so, sooooooo much further back in line. That baby grew like bamboo.

Girl is front of us didn't stop talking the whole time either. That's frankly amazing. How do you seriously talk continuously for an hour and a half? Closer to two hours...

😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐

But you know what? It don't matter!

Because we did eventually get in and as soon as we did, you could see the Eyes On You screen at the stage and then the screaming didn't stop until 11.

Bambi killed it. He owned the show. Yeah, I'm freakin' biased over here but honestly, he was on it. It was beautiful.

The ments were cute and funny and watching him was a treat. Jinyoung gets mad props too. His English blew me away.

Gold stars across the board though. They were all 100% and killed it.

That Hard Carry remix needs to make it's way off the stage and into a special video though. I want to watch that I don't even know how many more times.

I'm almost certainly forgetting a ton of stuff and skipping things. Just, basically, they delivered. But...did anyone doubt that they would?

💚🐣💚

[lillotte17]

I just realized that Sunflower!Uthvir and Aili have vallaslin that's the same colour. That is... weirdly cute. X3

Plz have this very short Drunk!Aili drabble

It is either very later or very early, depending who youfeel like asking, and Aili and her rebellious cohorts are the only ones left inEss’ tavern. She had sewer duty again today, and it is honestly beginning tofeel like the only thing she is good for. Although, she is very small,and she hasn’t had much in the way of combat training, so perhaps that is afair assessment. Still, there are days when even crawling through muck andsmelling like garbage ends up feeling like landing a significant blow againstthe Oppressive Upper Classes, and this just so happens to be one of them.

Aili had been paired with Haninan this time, since hisspecial talent at reworking spellwork was vital to the task at hand, and theyhad been sent deep into the tunnels underneath Falon’Din’s estate. The initialplan had been to see if they could get one of the evanuris’ more obscenemonuments to explode, but Haninan had gotten stuck. Too big, even aftershifting his shape slightly, and concerned that using any more magic mighttrigger a cave- in.

So, Aili had carried on alone. In the dark and the muck. Ithad taken nearly four hours all together, but she had made it to the properjunction beneath the evanruis’ hideous décor. Haninan had been able to talk herthrough some of the trickier bits of changing the glyphs that funneled magic tothe statue, with the help of the shell necklaces the General had lent them.They are very useful for speaking to people across fairly longdistances, andalso very illegal, and Aili had beena bit worried about wearing one at first. But if Falon'Din caught her sneakingaround under his estate, she suspects that a bit of jewelry would be the leastof her troubles.

Falon'Din had recently taken a new ‘prize’ from the LowerCity. A follower of Mythal, but one that Aili had worked with a few times doingodd jobs around the city. A former spirit of patience. Small and soft, with a widesmile and warm bright eyes. Their mistress had surrendered them readily enough,and the General had found out about the transfer too late to intervene.

The last time Aili had seen Patience, their eyes had notbeen so bright. They looked as though they could not even remember what a smilewas, let alone how to form their features into one. Aili suspects that, despitetheir origins, Patience will not last long in Falon'Din’s service.

Which is why she volunteered to go on this mission. It wouldnot save Patience, of course, but it helps with the frustration and the aimlesssense of guilt. She will take back what she can from the Evanuris, even if itnot what she would like to take from them. Even if it is less than an inch ofground, a moment in time, a single gasp of breath.

Aili rewrote the glyph. And then she carefully set a pair ofsmall dwarven runestones along the outside of it. There were meant to be four,but the other two got left behind with Haninan. It proved to be enough, though.

The rumbling from above during her escape had been a very satisfying sound.  

Reports seem to say that the statue had not so much explodedas it had seemed to just…collapse in on itself. And in the end, that might befor the best. Certainly, Falon'Din will want the hides of the construction teamfor the project, which is unfortunate, but at least there will be no alarmsraised about hunting down a group of notorious troublemakers.

Aili finds herself the unexpected hero of the night. She’sexhausted and covered in scrapes and slime, but everyone keeps pulling her infor hugs and offering to buy her drinks. And…well…it seems like it would be awfullyrude to turn them down.

They were all pretty rowdy earlier, in the heat of theirgeneral triumph and excitement, but things are beginning to calm down now. Squish,Dorian, and Haninan have all struck up a card game with a few other agents thatshe does not have the presence of mind to keep up with. Aili feels bubbly andwarm, spread out across three different people’s laps on Ess’ one little couchin the back of the bar.

Her head seems to have ended up in Uthvir’s lap somehow oranother, and she’s pretty sure they’ve been talking to her for the last tenminutes or so. She also seems to have misplaced her outer tunic. And one of herfootwraps.

“Wut?” she asks eloquently, blinking up at them inconfusion.

Uthvir sighs.

“I said that if you think you are going to fall asleep,you should let me take you home,” they say in a tone that make her thinkthey have most likely said something similar at least two times before this.She doesn’t remember it though.

“S'fine,” Aili insists, “My room s'not far from‘ere.”

“Which means that it would not be terribly inconvenientfor me to take you back,” they point out, “And the next time you areon a mission with Haninan and he gets stuck like that, you should come get me.Or someone else who could help you instead.”

“All worked out okay, dinnit?” Aili giggles,wiggling in their lap a bit and swatting at their leg in playful chastisement,“You worry too much when yer drunk. Imma big girl. I can lace up my owntrousers n'everythin’. I’m tough 'n scary. Rawr!”

“I am not theone who is drunk here,” Uthvir huffs, but they cannot quite keep theamusement out of their voice, and perhaps a hint of something a bit warmer as well.

“There’s a few empty bottles of sun wine that say otherwise,”Aili snorts, “An’ yer cheeks are all rosy.”

She reaches up and pinches them lightly, still laughing to herself.

“Drunk looks nice on you, though,” she tells themfondly, “Everythin’ looks nice on you. S'not fair.”

Uthvir snorts, andtheir cheeks might get just the tiniest bit darker.

“I think you look rather enchanting yourself, ”they assure her, “But I am only a little tipsy, if anything. I believe I havea much greater tolerance than you do.”

“I look like a swamp creature who swam ashore to getsloshed on a dubious mix of cheap drinks,” she hiccups, “And why aren’tyou drunk, then? Issa party! Be drunk with me!”

They shake their head at her, but obligingly reach over tothe table for some bottle of lately-abandoned alcohol and take a long swig.

“Yessh!” she crows in delight, patting at theirchest, “Now you can be like me! Together! Drinkin’ stuff and…an’ sneakin’.Unshtoppable. Tha’s sus. Big heroes an’ stuff.”

“It would not be very heroic of me to allow you to gohome by yourself while you are drunk,” Uthvir informs her, “You wouldprobably get mugged or something.”

“No one’s gonna rob me,” Aili laughs, “Idon’t got nothin’ worth stealing.”

“Then let me help you simply to put my mind own atease,” Uthvir requests, “Please.”

“Aw, yer such a good friend,” Aili beams at them,wrapping her arms about their middle and squeezing them a bit, “You mighteven be my best friend? If you wanna be. I wouldn’t mind. Even if you don’t getdrunk with me at parties.”

Uthvir is silent for a moment. Pensive. They move on hand toher head, brushing the messy sweep of curls back from her face and coaxing her toroll over a little. At least enough to look her in the eye. She smiles up atthem, and they seem to decide something.

They lean down a bit closer, not wanting to be overheard.Their gaze is intense. Their emotions held tight within them.

“To me, you are-”

But that is as far as they get before Aili grabs them by theface and more or less slams their foreheads together.

“We have matching vallaslin!” she exclaimsexcitedly. “Also, ouch, that wasa bad idea. But I never noticed before!”

“Matching… What?” Uthvir blinks, still a bit dizzy.“We don’t even serve the same evanuris.”

“No no no!” Aili rushes on, “I meant the colors! We’ve both sorta got…warmbronze-coppery. Well…maybe not exactlythe same…”

She reaches up and taps the markings on their chin. Muchsofter this time.

“Close enough,” she decides happily, “It’slike we go together. Two of a kind! Birds of a feather! We should celebrate!”

“Is it really such good news to be comparable tome?” Uthvir wonders.

“Absolutely,“Aili declares, "Because yer myfavorite.”

And with that said, she promptly rolls off the side of thecouch and wretches on the floor.

[sunnysidewrites]

Daycare helper!Seungcheol

y’all im deceased :’))) he aint even my bias but a man with kids is tRULY A REAL!! MAN!!! hope you enjoy my first published headcanon!!

ok so let's get this show on the road

seungcheol with kids is a cONCEPT DONT FIGHT ME ON THIS

he is the cutest little bean with mini little beans clinging on his legs

a kid with smaller kids my heART

he only has this as a part-time job so he's still fairly young but boy does he treat it as his primary

he absolutely adores children and has been wanting to raise one for the longest time ever

taking care of kids as their parents are temporarily away isn't something he sees as just babysitting; he's proud he's deemed trustworthy enough to have someone put their kid in his care

and he does a damn well job at it too

he's a second dad to all of them

sasha cut her knee? he's rushing with a first aid kid

nick and carol are fighting over a crayon? they're suddenly best friends in one minute stat

your little sibling has to stay at the daycare while your parents are at work and you're in school

you go straight there after school to pick them up since it already takes a while to commute there

your parents were originally the ones supposed to pick them up but they've been swamped with work recently and made you do it in their stead

which you didn't mind at all

you got to spend more time with your little one

and you soon found out about the cute guy who works there

when you went to pick up your sibling they ran up to you happily (iM SCREAMING JUST IMAGINE HOW CUTE THEIR LITTLE LEGS AND BRIGHT FACES ARE)

“y/n!!!! you're here!!!! :DDDD”

and when you ask them about how daycare was they would point at seungcheol and be like

“that's Papa Cheols!!! he's a lot like dad”

and you're just like well. that's literally the cutest thing ever coming from this tiny 8 year old child.

“papa cheols” soon sees you across the room and his heart is just doing somersaults

you're actually the cutest being he's ever laid eyes on

he needs to check in with you and your sibling to confirm that you're the one who's picking them up

he practically pushes away the crowd of little children around his knees and makes a beeline for you

“hello!!! i'm papa -- i mean seungcheol. are you here to pick up y/s/n?”

he's a Flustered Wreck™ and can't hold your gaze for more than 2 seconds

you're just starstruck and kinda stare into his dark eyes and respond a second too late

“o-oh yes!!! that is me i am picking them up haha :)”

your sibling is just like wuts goin on?? ??? ??? ???? can we leave now

you both kinda just linger there awkwardly before your sibling tugs on your arm and demands to go home at that instance lmao

“ok ok we're leaving now!”

“w-wait!”

he's lowkey about to ask you out but he chickens out and just says “s/he is a real bright one!!” rip @cheol

you're just like oh,,,, ok well that's good to hear!! we’ll get going now :))

once you actually leave he stares off in the distance and is just

*.* what a beautiful creature

you continue picking up your sibling for a month and by this time you're well acquainted with seungcheol

sometimes when your sibling takes a while to gather their things or finish whatever activity they're doing, you and seungcheol take advantage of that to talk

you find that he's fresh in his early 20s and you should be like stranger danger❗️ ❗️ ❗️ but what danger is in a big man who has 4 kids clinging on his back, arms, and legs?? and he always has a truckload of snacks and coloring books and just

dangerous is the last word to ever describe him

he's been trying to build up the courage to properly ask you to hang out but he's always so intimidated by you and your beauty and :’))))

one day when your sibling is taking forever to get ready, he casually asks you what your weekend plans are

when you say you don't have anything planned he's like my cH AN CE!!!

“there's the opening of the park down the street from here,,,, do you,,, w-wanna,,,,, check it out with me?”

you're combusting on the inside

ofc you accept!!! damn right!!!!

when saturday comes around you force your sibling to stay at home to not third wheel LOL

“but y/n!!!! he's my papa cheols!!!”

“hANG OUT WITH OUR REAL DAD HES NOT YOUR PAPA”

after much bickering you eventually convince them to stay at home and watch cartoons

you reach the park a little earlier than him and start tugging on your hair and clothes out of nerves

“don't do that you'll mess up your hair!!”

you whirl around and he's suddenly in front of you jesus christ

“sorry!!! did i keep you waiting?”

you can't help but to check him out in that fitted shirt and flannel,,,, and those skinny jeans that hug him a little too much,,,, iS IT HOT IN HERE

your mouth is suddenly dry

“n-no i just got here”

he blinds you with a smile and starts walking you around the park

he planned a pICNIC FOR YALL IN FRONT OF THE LAKE I AM NOT OK

you're just,,, where did the basket come from,,,,

he just sheepishly looks at you and you can kinda guess why he was running a little late

after finishing your lunch you silently sit there, taking in the scenery and how soothing the atmosphere is

he suddenly takes your hand and you're just like ThIS IS NOT!!! A DRILL!!!!

after a few moments of silence you hear him take a deep breath

“i,,, really like you y/n. i knew it from the moment you walked in the building. isn't it funny how i get a little jealous of how much you care for your sibling?” he blushes

“why?”

“bc i want you to care for me just as much”

iM DEAD BYE

and after some blushing and giggling you leave the park hand in hand with smiles plastered on your faces i am so soft

bf seungcheol will take care of you and look out for you so much!!!

[ohnohetaliasues]

My Immortal {Chapter 30}

(Kat)

Despite the fact that I’m swamped, I am going to do a My Immortal review because I’m procrastinating.

“No!11” we screamed sadly. Snap stated loafing meanly. He took out a kamera anvilly. Then…………………… he came tords Darko!1! He took sum stones out of his poket. He put da stones around Draco and nit a candle.

What is going on?

“What the fuck r u doing!” I shooted arngrily. Snoop laughed meanly.

Good thing I found this picture:

He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11!

What the actual butterscotch is going on?

He waved his wand and a nife came. He gave da knife 2 me. “U must stab Vrompire.” he said to me. “If u don’t then I’ll rap Draco!1”

“No you fucking bastrad!1” I yielded. But den Draco looked at me sadly with his evil goffik red eyes dat looked so depressant and sexy. He lookd exactly like a pentragram (lol geddit koz im a satanist) between Kurt Cobain and Gerard.

That made me want to scream.

But then I looked at Vampire and he looked so smexy too wif his goffik black hair. I thought of da time when we screwed and the time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide and Vampire wuz so sportive.

I ALSO HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Snipe laughed angrily. He started to prey to Volxemort. He started to do an incapacitation dancing around the stokes whipping Draco and Vampire. Suddenly an idea I had. I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape.

“Dumbeldork will get u!” Draco shooted.

‘Dumbledork.’

“Yah just wait ubtil da Mystery find out!11” Vampire yelled. Meanwhile I took out my wand. “You ridiculus dondderhed!111” Snoop yielded. He took off all of Drico’s clothes.

And Draco just let him?

Just as he was about to rape him…………………….

I am unable to function properly anymore.

“Crosio!” I shited pointing my wound.

So many bad visuals.

Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming. Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Serious. I stopped doing crucio. “You dunderhed!111 Im going to kill-” shooted Snape but suddenly Serverus came.

BUT SNAPE IS SEVERUS.

???????

Snake put the whip behind his bak. “Oh hello Sev I wuz just teaching them sumthing.”

Yeah, talking to yourself is normal.

he lied. But suddenly Lusian and Profesor Trevolry came in2 da room and they and Serious unlocked the chains and put dem around Snap. Then Profesor Trevolry said ‘Come on Ebony let’s go.”

I have no idea what just happened.

~Kat

[thessalian]

Jallira!Warden vs Lothering

But first, on the way...

Mabari: *runs up all excited*

Jallira: .........Muffin?!?

Morrigan: .............’Muffin’?

Alistair: Don’t ask. He’s also tailed by darkspawn. Just so you know.

Jallira: I know, I know. It’s alright; he’s already survived darkspawn blood.

Alistair: He ... all right, how?!?

Jallira: That medicine I made him from that flower in the Wilds and some ... other ... things Alistair you said they had the mages ‘preparing’...

Alistair: Did you ... like ... accidentally Warden the dog?!?

Jallira: ...................Not exactly. I accidentally Wardened my dog.

Alistair: *hysterical laughter*

Morrigan: Well, ‘tis better than the meebling.

Outskirts of Lothering

Bandit: If you want in, you have to pay the toll!

Jallira: So ... let me see if I understand this. You ... see these hungry, scared, traumatised people ... looking for safety and shelter ... and you threaten them with weapons ... for the little coin they managed to take with them?

Bandit Leader: Well ... we could call it a refugee tax if you like...

Jallira: Are you going to stand there and tell me that you are Lothering officials? Really?

Bandit Leader: We could try, if you like...

Jallira: .........................If you’ll pardon me ... there’s something I’ve been refining and while I am not usually given to experimentation without permission, I believe this is a perfect moment.

Bandit Leader: Waitwut--

Jallira: *Virulent Walking Bomb*

Bandits: *are now bits all over the landscape*

Bandit Leader: ...............wut?!?

Jallira: And you are going to the authorities.

Bandit Leader: You of all people are going to hand me over to Templars to get executed?!?

Jallira: If I had any control over what Templars do, the Circle would be a very different place. I cannot just leave you here to prey on the traumatised.

Bandit Leader: Or I could just stab y--

Jallira: *Winter’s Grasp*

Bandit Leader: *already injured; shatters and dies*

Alistair: .....................Maker’s breath.

Morrigan: I would be far more impressed by that were it not for it being a sure sign of your bleeding-heart altruism.

Alistair: Please stop talking. All right, now that we’re here, what do we do?

Jallira: Erm ... sorry. I forgot you were ... indisposed ... while I was thinking things out.

Morrigan: He was meebling into the swamp. ‘Indisposed’ is far too kind a term.

Jallira: I am made of equal parts kindness, shyness, and altruism.

Alistair: With a spine of silverite, apparently. Anyway, I have no ideas here so if you do, I’m all for it.

Jallira: We need to get help from the people we have the treaties with. And probably check with your Arl Eamon to see how much the Bannorn stands with Loghain at this point. But we need news first, at least so we can decide where to start. We also need to resupply and--

Lothering: *is full of tired, scared, hungry people*

Jallira: ...............................

Morrigan: You cannot save the entire town, Jallira.

Jallira: I can help where I can!

Later, going into the inn

Jallira: I suppose ‘where I can’ isn’t much of anywhere. Everyone’s scared of me. It’s distressing.

Alistair: I think it’s me they’re more scared of. You know, big people with swords and armour.

Gossips: Grey Wardens orchestrated the death of the king and Loghain’s a hero! Damn all Grey Wardens!

Jallira: .....................*opens mouth*

Alistair: I know, I know, just ... let’s get you a drink--

Loghain Loyalist: OHAI.

Alistair: Oh, sod.

Leliana: We don’t really want trouble, do we?

Jallira: I don’t, particularly, but every time I try diplomacy, it ends up--

Loghain Loyalist: *draws sword* Men! To arms!

Jallira: ...Like that excuse me please.

Leliana: *draws knife* It’s alright; I’ll help--

Jallira: *Virulent Walking Bomb*

Loghain Loyalist’s Men: *explode*

Loghain Loyalist: ..........shit.

Jallira: Please tell Teyrn Loghain that we would really appreciate if he could stop frustrating our attempts to end the Blight. But that honestly, he’s not going to be able to stop us anyway. And there are at least some survivors who know what happened so his ... smear campaign will come back to haunt him someday. Meantime, please leave very quickly because I don’t want to make you into an ice statue like I did that bandit. Everyone here is staring at me and I may have to pay some significant coin to compensate for them having to mop spleen out of the rafters.

Innkeep: No charge, miss! They were a pain in the arse anyway!

Jallira: Thank you.

Loghain Loyalist: *flees*

Leliana: I ... can see you can take care of yourself, but the Maker told me I should go with you and help where I can.

Jallira: Um ... the people here aren’t scared of you so maybe you can provide the help they won’t let me? That’d be plenty.

Leliana: This city won’t last the week. Neither will Ferelden if the Blight isn’t stopped. I know I didn’t get a chance to show it back there, and I’m honestly better with a bow anyway, but I can fight.

Jallira: Well, if you insist.

Morrigan: You really did hit your head a few times too many.

Jallira: Morrigan, why don’t you just ... stay here and talk poisons with Barlin, and we’ll go ... be ... altruistic?

And, on exiting the tavern

Jallira: After this it’s going to have to be Redcliffe, I suppose ... though Lake Calenhad’s right on the way and talking to First Enchanter Irving shouldn’t be too hard; he really does want the mages to help fight the Blight and--

Gossip: The mages on Lake Calenhad are turning into demons; probably picked the timing just to spite us, the bastards.

Jallira: ........................ *opens mouth*

Alistair: *slings Jallira over his shoulder* Save it for the bandits, Jallira. Save it. For. The bandits.

Jallira: There’s a spell ... I am not strong enough to cast yet ... that inflicts Fade hornets--

Alistair: Test later; bandits now! And you’re right, Lake Calenhad is right on the way to Redcliffe and we’ll see if those idiots are exaggerating, alright?

Leliana: Honestly, I’d like to see her carry on. It’s adorable when she gets worked up. I half expect her to solemnly declare that she will feed them bees.

Jallira: FADE. HORNETS.

Alistair: Please don’t encourage her. I know it’s really rare and I know it’s really cute--

Jallira: *blush* ...........meep?!?

Leliana: Perhaps you could swap that hold for a bridal carry, Alistair?

Alistair: *nearly unceremoniously drops Jallira on the nearest available villager getting racist at Chasind, blushing like an idiot*

Leliana: Maker ... thank you for insisting I go along with this. The world will be saved and the stories from it will be epic and romantic and so very funny. This is a Bard’s dream.

((Game crashed a short while after that so we’ll deal with helping Lothering in another post.))

[chewingtoniii]

SANSFAM part 17

Classic and Temmie by Toby Fox

Gaster Sans by @borurou

Reaper by @renrink

Mob by @undermafiaz

Horror by @sour-apple-studios

Dance by @teandstars

Cross by @jakei95

Nightmare and Dream by @dreamtale-au

SANESSS by @srpelo

Fell by ???

Lust by @nsfwshamecave-pb

Outer by @2mi127

Geno, Error, and Fresh by @loverofpiggies

Sci by ???

Ink by @comyet

Swap by @popcornpr1nce

Little by @mudkipful

We own nothing except Sansfam.  Undertale belongs to Toby Fox, and all characters go to their rightful owners.  We hope you enjoy!

CHAPTER 17- IN SEARCH OF THE LAMB SAUCE

(A/N: If you’re new to the Sansfam series, then check out our masterpost, if you read them in order it’ll make much more sense)

Toby: *turns on TV*

All kids: *jump out from behind the couch* WE WANNA WATCH GORDON RAMSEY

Toby: JESUS GOD IN HELL, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING THERE?

Swap: 5 hours

Toby: But why?

Dream: We were waiting for you to turn on the TV

Toby: Why didn’t you turn it on yourselves?

Horror: Mom banned us

Fell: Because apparently it’s “bad for us” if we watch ISIS hentai

Lust: I got exactly 16 boners from it

Toby: *squirts with spray bottle* No Lust, that's bad

Lust: Daddy quit making me wet

Error: *slaps the ho* SILENCE SLUT

Little: Can we watch Gordon Ramsey nowww?

Toby: Well if you’re banned, then no

Cross: Bu-

Toby: Nope, until Mom says you can use it again, you get no TV

Nightmare: Listen buddy, I did not crouch behind this sofa with 19 idiots for 5 fucking hours, to have my Gordon Ramsey privileges denied. So if you don’t let us watch TV, I will tell Mom you stole her crayons

CQ: *runs in* BITCH I HEARD THAT, YOU A DEAD FUCKER NOW

Nightmare: Shit *runs away*

Dream: Brother no! *runs after him*

Dream Team: *runs after Dream*

Everyone Else: *shrugs and follows them*

Everyone runs outside and grabs their getaway vehicles, desperate to escape CQ’s wrath

Dream Team: *gets on tricycles*

SANESSS: WEEOOO WEEOOO

G: *gets on a bike with a wagon attached to it*

Classic: *gets in the wagon like a lazy ass*

Error: *steals a car*

Everyone else: *gets in the stolen car*

CQ: Y’ALL BETTER BE BACK IN TIME FOR DINNER

Geno: ERROR SLOW THE FUCK DOWN HOLY SHIT

Error: YOU CAN’T STOP ME HO

Fresh: ARE YOU KIDDING? THIS IS WAY TOO SLOW BROSKI, WE GOTTA GO FASTER *grabs the steering wheel*

Car: *veers off into the spoopy woods, lots of screaming follows*

Swap: *gaspu* DREAM TEAM AFTER THEM

Dream Team: *throws tricycles in the woods and jumps in after*

G: Well fuck *purposely veers into the woods*

~10 WONDERFUL MINUTES LATER~

Classic: My arm huuuuuuuurts

G: Why?

Classic: Oh I don’t know, maybe its cuz someone threw me out of a wagon and into a fucking tree

G: Pfft, it was the tree’s fault for being there

Sci: You know this is a forest right?

G: TREES ARE MEANT FOR PAPER

Reaper: A TREE TRIED TO STEAL MY WAIFU

Geno: FUCK OFF, I AM NOT YOUR WAIFU

Reaper: That’s not what you were saying last night~

Geno: *puts his face in his hands and screams*

SANESSS: I AM LORAX AND I SPEAK FOR BEES

Dance: It’s trees not be-

SANESSS: BEEEEEEEES *has a small seizure*

Classic: My arm still hurts

Fell: At least you weren’t in the car *shivers*

Error: I didn’t hit that many pigeons

Mob: I lost count at 40

Error: Again, not that many

Little: Everybody shut up and wook over there!

Everyone: *looks and sees glowing light*

Mob: Maybe its money

Cross: WELL I WANT SOME MONEY, LET'S GO

Everyone: *runs to the glowing light*

Dream: WOAH IT'S EVEN BETTER THAN MONEY

SANESSS: LAMB SAUCEEEEE

Ink: THE LAMB SAUCE HAS BEEN LOCATED

Error: GRAB IT

Suddenly a level 666 Gordon Ramsey appears

Gordon Ramsey: What’re you doing in my swamp??!!

Cross: HIS POWER IS OVER 9,000

Horror: HE AIN’T NO MATCH FOR ME, SPELL ICUP NIGGA

Fresh: *throwing spaghetti on the ground*

Gordon Ramsey: WHY IS THERE SO MUCH SPAGHETTI IN YOUR POCKETS??

Swap: *kicks him in the face*

Outer: *grabs the lamb sauce* I GOT THE LAMB SAUCE

Dance: *throws Sci’s glasses on the ground* SCATTER

Everyone: *runs away in the same direction*

Sci: WAIT I CAN’T SEE

Fell: *goes back to grab his smol bf*

Outer: WHY DID WE ALL RUN IN THE SAME DIRECTION?

Dance: CUZ HE WOULD NEVER EXPECT THAT

Everyone: *gets in the stolen car*

Mob: Wait, who’s gonna drive?

Little: ME! *starts the car*

Everyone else: *panicking and screaming*

Reaper: Where’s SANESSS??

SANESSS: HEEEEYA *is strapped to the ceiling*

Little: *floors it*

Classic: You can’t even see the road!

Little: I BEWIEVE I CAN ACHIEVE

Gordon Ramsey: *steps into the road*

Lust: *sticks head out window* VROOM VROOM BITCH

Little: INCOMING *hits Gordon with da cer*

Sci: I’M BLINDED, WHAT’S GOING ON??

Fell: WE JUST KILLED GORDON RAMSEY

G: *eating the lamb sauce*

Swap: *slaps him* SHARING IS CARING

Ink: How fast are we- HOLY SHIT WE’RE GOING 100 MILES PER HOUR

Geno: WHY DID WE LET A FOUR YEAR OLD DRIVE??

SANESSS: WHEEEEEEEE

Ink: AND OHMYGOD WE JUST RAN OVER A STOP SIGN

Little: YOU CAN’T TEWW ME WHAT TO DO

Fresh: STOP SIGNS IS JUST THE GOVERNMENT TRYING TO HACK US

Horror: SHIT BOIS IT'S ALMOST 8:00, MOMS GONNA KILL US

Little: NOT ON MY WATCH *speeds up to 200 miles per hour*

Reaper: I CAN SEE THROUGH TIME

~2 Minutes Later~

Car: *crashes into the house*

CQ: *comes outside* WHAT IN FUCKS NAME DID YOU DO?? AND WHOSE CAR IS THAT??

Dream: Hi Mommy!

G: Can we have dinner now?

Toby: *comes outside* Wut in tarnation

Mob: Yeah, we don’t know whose car this is

Fell: Also, we found some lamb sauce, can we eat it?

Toby: *facepalms*

CQ: Weeeell, since you found some lamb sauce, I guess you can use the TV again

SANESSS: WHOOOOOOOUP!!!!!!6!!!!!!

CQ: Now imma go make some lamb sauce dinner

Lust: Hey guys, wanna go watch TV?

Nightmare: Let’s go fam

The Sanses spend the rest of the night watching Peppa Pig and eating lamb sauce

THE END!

[itsdisneymydudes]

Pocahontas’ Hair is Unreal

Honestly, I’ve never seen Pocahontas. I know “Colors of the Wind” is from it, but that’s about all I know about it. White men come to the New World and do some stuff (some historically inaccurate stuff, I might add), and yea. So that’s why I’m gonna live-blog it! Leggo!

Alright, starting off with a glorious song about English imperialism. Coolio.

Macho John Smith with his blonde hair and blue eyes. Aaaaaand they just called Native Americans “Indians.” This movie is gonna go swell.

I couldn’t make it out exactly, but I think the song says “for glory, God, and gold” which falls exactly in line with European colonialism.

I hope the storm breaks the boat.

K is this The Little Mermaid or Pocahontas cuz a lot of action so far has been in the ocean...

Aaaaand now the Native Americans are being called “blood-thirsty savages.” You’re the worst, Disney

Lol, Disney has the Native Americans speaking English. Hilarious.

Ok, so we all understand that Pocahontas was actually around 11 years old when she first met John Smith, right? Yup, Disney just sexualized an eleven year old.

Ah the obligatory animal sidekicks. Did that hummingbird just eat a raspberry whole? That’s just wrong on so many levels.

I’m no physicist, but I’m pretty sure a dive from that height would break Pocahontas’ hands and arms (and most likely kill her, too).

Oh, that raccoon is for sure dead, too.

Jeez, another princess movie with a focus on marriage? Why am I not surprised...

Oh my gosh, a beaver would never build a dam right in the middle of a river. That makes absolutely no sense. How would it even start something like that; the river would just sweep the sticks away.

DID SHE JUST CANOE OFF A WATERFALL?!? WTF POCAHONTAS WHY DO YOU KEEP GOING DOWN WATERFALLS???

Anthropomorphic trees? Alright, Disney; I see you.

Does Governor Ratcliffe actually know what kind of soil you need for a gold deposit to be under it? It’s usually black soil and not the muddy swamp terrain that he’s staring at.

Ratcliffe’s voice sounds weird. Like I know he’s the villain and all, but just the rhythm/emphasis of his sentences sounds off.

Why is John Smith wearing the armor of a conquistador? Isn’t he English?

These are terrible sailors! Why would you ever bring in your massive ship so close to shore? Are they trying to run it aground?

Lololol you ain’t the only one getting a better look, John ;)

While the presentation is a little strange, this description of white settlers from the perspective of the Native Americans is 100% accurate. Everything said is actually what the settlers will do. Ravenous wolves and all.

Damn, Percy. You bougie af.

Damn, Raccoon. You cheeky af.

Wut. Ratcliffe has like two dudes building the fort. That’s gonna take a while, bud.

K, Ratcliffe realizes that the Spanish took the gold from the Incas and Aztecs, right? Like the Spaniards didn’t dig it up themselves...

I don’t think using explosives like that is the most efficient way to take down trees or open a mine.

Damn! John Smith’s first thought when he sees Pocahontas is to shoot her??? And these two are supposed to fall in love???

Yea boi you best put that gun down. Show some respect, punk.

“It’s alright,” he says. “I’m not gonna hurt you,” he says. Girl, this dude was about to shoot you less than a minute ago.

Just a reminder: Pocahontas was 11 when she met John Smith. John Smith was 27.

HOW CAN SHE SUDDENLY UNDERSTAND AND SPEAK ENGLISH?!?!??!?!

Truest line of the movie and of all history: “These white men are dangerous.”

Strange names? Boi, y’all settlers literally just named your landing site the most vanilla name ever. How complex is the name “Jamestown.”

John is actually creepy af...

Aaaaaand here comes the “White Man’s Burden” speech from Smith...

Ooooooo Pocahontas is about to drop some sick bars, yo.

Is that...is that Pride Rock?

Why do they show an eagle on John Smith’s chest? He’s English and in no way helped the colonies reach independence.

Oh I do hope the colonists have a communist revolution against bougie Ratcliffe. That would be quite fun.

I really hope Pocahontas’ father doesn’t die. I like the sound of his voice.

Um...how can EVERYONE suddenly understand English?

Lolololol tree puns. The owls get it.

So at what point is Pocahontas going to contract smallpox from John Smith?

I would just like to point out that 80% of this movie did not even happen. Like not in the true accounts of first contact or even Smith’s dramatized accounts.

Aw...poor Kocoum :( and screw you, Thomas. Thought you were supposed to be a lousy shot.

Kocoum just died, and Pocahontas is still fixated on whether she’ll be able to see Smith or not? Jeez, have a heart, girl. Come on.

Those guards outside John Smith’s prison cell must be really deaf. Like the dude is belting out a song, and no one has batted an eye yet.

Also, when did John Smith’s shirt get so loose and revealing...?

Didn’t Thomas run off before John Smith was captured by the warriors? Plot hole...

Oh my god Ratcliffe is Trump. Holy shit.

So is the arrow in the compass still considered to be spinning if Pocahontas is spinning the outside container? Does that technically count?

What if the village was south of where Pocahontas was? Would she just accept that the arrow wasn’t pointing towards John Smith then? Quite the dues ex machina eh?

Why is Ratcliffe wearing an all-black suit of armor during the day... He is actually going to be cooked alive in that thing.

“I love him, father.” Ariel? Is that you?

This is some Cuban Missile Crisis about-to-go-to-war level of intensity right here...

“If there is to be more killing, it will not start with me.” Oh, it’s pretty clear who started the killing in history (*cough cough* the white man *cough cough*)

Oh snap! Ratcliffe shot John! Whoa whoa whoa did not see that one coming. Oh damn, right in the kidney too!

Yea! The communist revolt is happening! Viva la revolucion!

Hate being the bearer of bad news, but 17th Century medicine was not all that great... John Smith is almost certainly going to die from his wound.

Is Percy the dog really staying? Yea, he isn’t gonna last very long either.

“Come with me,” John says. What he means is, “Come with me and convert to the Anglican Church and change your name to a white name and change your dress to European clothes and forget your culture and tour around England like a circus display and eventually contract foreign pathogens to which you will have no immunity, ultimately leading to your death at an extremely young age.” Yup, great idea, John.

Lol did the village and John’s crew just stand back and watch Pocahontas and John make out? Awkwaaaaaaaard.

So how long until war breaks out again between the tribe and the settlers? I give it about a week or two.

Wow, as cheesy as the ending was, THAT SCORE THO. SUCH POWER. SUCH BEAUTY. DAMN.

One last question: how in the world does Pocahontas keep her hair so luscious???

[thessalian]

Molly!Warden vs Lothering

Molly: ...ow...

Morrigan: Ah, your eyes finally open.

Molly: I stabbed an ogre in the face and therefore win at everything.

Morrigan: Your battle’s lost, your king and all but one of your Wardens are dead, and your senior Warden is meebling into the swamp.

Molly: ...okay maybe I don’t win at everything...

Later...

Alistair: You survived!

Molly: Me and cockroaches; we survive everything. So now what do we do?

Alistair: Well, we could go murder Loghain a little...

Molly: Erm ... I mean, I totally get revenge and everything, but I’ve never been within spitting distance of political bullshit and I’m not about to start now. So I’ll follow that whole ‘things I take more seriously because dwarf’ line and focus on the big deal - the Blight. Could we maybe send a raven to your Weisshaupt place?

Alistair: Where are we going to find a trained raven that good?

Morrigan: *coff* Nowhere around here, ‘tis certain...

Molly: Okay, fine. We have treaties. We use those.

Flemeth: First you’re going to need to resupply. Go to Lothering. And take Morrigan with you. She’ll be useful.

Molly: To us, or to you?

Flemeth: So long as it’s the first, does it matter if it’s also the second?

Molly: ...I knew you weren’t as doo-lally as you acted before...

Later, in Lothering...

Molly: I SWEAR TO ANY PART OF THE STONE THAT WILL LISTEN TO A DUSTER LIKE ME THAT I WILL TURN THIS WORLD-SAVING ADVENTURE AROUND IF YOU TWO DON’T SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP ANTAGONISING EACH OTHER!

Alistair; Morrigan: ...fiiiiiiiiiiiine...

Molly: AND MORRIGAN, STOP YELLING AT MY NEW DOG.

Morrigan: ...fiiiiiiiiiine...

Molly: THANK YOU. Now I desperately need a drink and this place needs some coin. Come on.

Lothering Tavern comes with problems...

Molly: Oh, you have stabbenings in surfacer bars too? Greeeeeeat.

Leliana: We don’t have to have stabbenings...

Molly: He. Tried. To. Kill. Us.

Leliana: And he’s very sorry. Isn’t he?

Loghain Loyalist: Grey Warden traitor scum!

Molly: Truly, the picture of remorse. ...Oh all right fine. You! Jackass! Go tell that Loghain dude that we recognise that he has made a decision to ignore the Blight but, given that it’s a stupid-ass decision, we’ve elected to ignore it. We’re saving the world with or without his approval. Now shoo.

Leliana: So ... the Maker told me to come with you on the world-saving...

Molly: ...wut?!?

Leliana: You don’t have to believe. I believe enough for all of us. And as you’ve seen, I am remarkably good at fighting.

Molly: ...Is this how Leske felt, like, all the time? You’re a Paragon of weird. But ... yeah, we could use some stabby; you’re in.

And, outside...

Molly: ...So you murdered some people and instead of giving you a clean death, they left you in a cage to starve and be poked at by assholes? Yeah, okay, how about no and no and hell sodding no. Look, come with us and fight for redemption or at least get a good clean warrior’s death, okay?

Sten: Very well.

Alistair: ...He’s. A. MURDERER.

Molly: Most of my best friends are murderers. You cope.

Morrigan: So did we stop here in Lothering simply to solve the townsfolk’s every petty problem?

Molly: We got paid pretty well. I’ve got paid a lot less for shittier work. And we stopped here to resupply, which we couldn’t do without coin, and so we earned coin and resupplied and now we can move north and get shit done. Okay?

Morrigan: I still intend to complain.

Molly: *hands over pretty jewellery* Will bribery help?

Morrigan: ...You are a devious creature and I like you.