#writing well is even harder

[opbackgrounds]

For the most part I think Oda's done a good job utilizing the Supernovas, but I am pretty disappointed with how Kidd's story turned out. Oda puts in a lot of legwork this arc setting him up as a foil for Luffy, and it's a sort of narrative promise that doesn't get fulfilled to its ultimate potential. Kidd and Luffy don't interact enough for them to bounce of each other. I could have accepted Kidd getting jobbered as an example of how his brand of hot-headed brute strength doesn't cut it in the political landscape of the New World--kind of like a post time skip Moriah--but that story thread didn't get enough attention to make it feel meaningful, especially compared to how much Law's story completely took over the plot after he skyrocketed in popularity.

It's an example of how Oda making shit up on the spot has its downsides. The Supernovas are Oda planting a bunch of seeds for the future seeing what sprouts up from the mess. It leads to some unexpected surprises like Capone Bege on WCI, but also plot lines that wither on the vine before they can bear any fruit.

[shoot-i-messed-up]

Was always worried about the angst of unrequited love, had never realized the sheer amount of comedic potential that it has.

Imagine one-sided Superbat where Clark is fully aware that Bruce has a crush on him but is being his repressed self about it, and Clark is just like, “I’m not gonna touch that :) you’re going to figure that out for yourself, buddy, and in the meantime, I’m just going to have a good time and be best friends with you as you inevitably pull yourself together enough to either fall out of love or to confess :) and I’ll just let you down gently because I care about you :)” but he absolutely 100% is using it to his advantage in the meantime. His puppy dog eyes had never been so effective before. He’s gotten out of Monitor Duty three times in the past month.

[stardustdiiving]

Engaging with fandom shipping as an aromantic person is really funny bc I frequently find myself being reminded like “ohhh right, some people find shipping appealing because they’re drawing from their own capacity to like, understand/experience/have interest in romantic attraction. Toootally forgot that was a thing” NJSNDJDJ

[chronologically-challenged]

Everything around the Isabeau confession is so well written.

Firstly, the set up. When you're playing the game, killing the King is just a vague goal. A natural one! But other than the vague desire to hit an end point, there isn't really a strong emotional reason compelling the player forward. But Isabeau!!! Telling you he will tell you something once you beat the King!!! That!!! That is a tangible goal to lean onto especially over time as you get more and more endeared to the whole party. Even if you're not aware of it being a love confession, getting to Isabeau to hear what he has to say is still a compelling reason get to the end.

And if you're Aware of how these things go for stories like these, you may also say, "Well shit, we're not gonna get a confession until the end of the game, are we?"

Second, the interruptions. The order of the interruptions are so quietly brilliant. I can't get over it. Bonnie interrupting first is such an excellent choice. You know Bonnie!!! Bonnie has been jumping into conversations all game so far. So interrupting Isabeau doesn't seem all that out of place. Then Mirabelle interrupts next time. And you go, okay. Thats two of three.... but surely Odile won't interrupt, right? By this point, the player has seen Odile tease Isabeau multiple times about him liking Siffrin, so surely she won't interrupt... right? Right??? But she does. And despite it being obvious that she would, the player is still left in tension if she would.

The way things are set up, there's a plausible deniability each time. You don't expect the first interruption, Bonnie naturally would interrupt so Mirabelle could be surprising, and Odile interrupting feels so outside of what she'd usually do that you don't expect it.

And yet!!!! Saying all this!!! This is very tropey!!! Very time loop tropey!!! Stopping people from messing things up so you can have your moment is quintessential time loop tropes and yet!!! It doesn't feel tropey due to good characterization and story structure.

(And if you do realize that all three are going to interrupt from the beginning, you get a wave of DREAD when you realize that you're going to be here. Again and again. That you have to beat the King again and again and again... and as you watch the confession fizzle, seeing the Head Housemaiden there, despite Siffrin's happy demeanor, you can't help but feel it all about to crash down before it even happens. In that moment you have a taste of what the game is about to put you through).

Third, the family quests. I have two points here. Firstly, "yelling at your screen like it's a telenovela" is the best summary of my feelings on the stargazing scene. Even if you KNOW Isabeau isn't going to confess until the end of the game bc that's how these things go, it won't happen until the end because that's how good writing works, You Still Want It To Happen. So Badly. You want Isabeau to confess to Siffrin!!! You want that tension to release!!! But you have to watch and see that perfect confession slip away every time and it hurts to watch, especially if you do the quests multiple times. Second point is the fact you can't continue the Isabeau confessions on a family run kills me. It's so good. Like you're never going to get everything in one go no matter what you do so you have to pick and choose. And!!! That plays into Siffrin feeling like he's manipulating Isabeau!!!

Of course Siffrin isn't actually manipulating Isabeau but when you're so aware of what you're doing and how events could have played out, it's difficult not to see a situation where you changed the outcome as manipulation. Which... of course leads us to Siffrin's feelings at the end of trying to stop the interruptions...

Fourth, Isabeau stopping himself when confessing. It hurts so good. Idk just. Denying the player that payoff. Denying Siffrin that moment of confession. Because really Siffrin didn't learn the lesson needed to actually get this moment of vulnerability between the two of them. It's such a genius choice that brings that awful dread and hopelessness. And in the end, I suppose all five of them stop the confession from happening because from that point onward, Siffrin interrupts the confession every time. Siffrin doing everything they can to get what they want only to accept that they're never going to get it. Never CAN get this because he doesn't deserve it.

Finally, bad touch. People have talked about bad touch enough, so I dont need to go too far with it. I will say I appreciate how much it doubles down on subverting the "romancing someone in a time loop" narrative. These loops while in some ways made Siffrin more perceptive, they're also PAINFUL. They mess with his head, lean towards making worse and worse decisions, and a large part of that is his role in his family's lives. Especially with Isabeau!!! So yeah. Of course the surprise kiss doesn't go well. Especially with the context that Isabeau doesn't think Siffrin wants to be touched let alone kissed? It ends in disaster just like most of the sidequests do.

In general, the ongoing Isabeau plot is very well implemented. The seeds for it are planted immediately, and it takes a lot of commitment to see all the parts of it. As a result, unless you try to do a ton of runs in act 3 immediately just to get the confession, it's a very slow burn part of the story, doing well to parallel Siffrin's mental state and the growing hopelessness in the loops. It grounds the story in a tangible goal from the beginning and in many ways, once you get to the end of it, get to bad touch, you're left bereft. Something... lost after you spent so much time being aware of Isabeau. That tangible feeling that you're slowly running out of things to do, of ways to spend these two days.

(And of course, then you have act 6 confession, and the pure relief, the joy in finally having the confession after it being set up from act 1. Siffrin doesn't need to reciprocate for it to have its impact. Something has CHANGED they have changed. And finally FINALLY after all this time, the moment can happen. And it's beautiful).

[lovesickeros]

☆ from gold, i am undone

{☆} characters tsaritsa {☆} notes cult au, yandere, drabble, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings blood, implied self harm, implied suicide attempts {☆} word count 0.9k

You weren't meant to be here.

You can feel it in the marrow of your bones– it weighs you down like heavy shackles, gold bleeding from your pores until it is all you know. The taste of ichor on your tongue, the warmth of its invasion beneath your skin, that gleam of gold that lingers in the color of your eyes like specks of dust.

You are changed, and you are whole.

But you are so unbearably broken.

A shattered piece of porcelain hastily put back together with gold to fill the cracks.

Decoration, in the end, for you are not fit to walk as "mortals" do. This gold had filled every empty crevice of your body, spilled the red into your frantic hands and made you bleed so it's callous gold could make room inside your body. It has taken from you many things, given many more, but you scratch and bite and tear until it drips onto the floor and even then it never leaves. It stains the floor no matter how hard you scrub– a permanent reminder of the sickening gold that molds you into something that used to look like you– that does look like you. Desecrated, yet so horribly divine.

All you see is a monster.

Something new, something old.

A hollowed out shell, wounds left to rot and fester until you suited the image of the Creator they bore upon statues and murals, the Creator worshiped in prayers spoken in hushed whispers and joyous chants praising your magnificence.

But what magnificence is there in detachment? What joy is there to be found in carving a God out of a human? They kneel like lambs before the shepherd, but the flock has made you– and you want to unmake them. Unweave the tapestry of their being stitch by stitch until it all falls apart and the world knows the cost of casting molten gold into the shape of a human, knows the price that has been left unpaid.

You want to take it from them. Watch them squabble and pray, blind sheep stepping into the wolf's open maw– to tear the seams of their being until the world is unwound by your heavy hands.

But you know it will not satisfy you.

Nothing does anymore.

You are no wolf. Only the shepherd who guides.

And with every drop of blood spilled, they ripped the humanity from your very bones until your body was the cast in which they made something anew– something gold, something horrific. A monster as much a God, a beast as much a man.

There is nothing left but absolute authority.

You try again and again to mend this act of desecration, to peel back the outer shell and rend the gold from your marrow– but your body cannot, will not, die. It mends itself back into place no matter how damaged, and all you feel is the uncomfortable tug of your body forcing itself to live. You cannot die, but were you ever truly alive at all?

Yet with every cycle, you know only one constant besides the thrum of golden ichor in your veins– cold.

Ice that burns, ice that spreads and festers and devours. Claws that pull you apart until the gold runs thick, teeth that burrow into your bones and rip it out from the source..eyes that witness the fall of a God with reverence– hungering, all consuming reverence.

You welcome it.

It is the first time you felt pain since you were cast into an image of a being you were not meant to be. The sting of cold upon your skin makes you shiver, your body tries to reject it, but you want to welcome it– for a brief moment that lasts only as long as it takes for you to blink, you see the glint of something familiar in the reflection of her empty eyes. Something achingly, horribly familiar– something human, all the more terrifying for it.

Even when Teyvat itself crumples like paper beneath the weight of her sins – of this desecration anew, this wretched heresy – you allow her hands to do it again. You grasp her hands in yours like chains, willing her to shackle you, willing her to pull you apart and make you whole again. To break you until the gold cannot put you back together again.

You long, each time, for those eyes like spears that lodge into your skin– burrow deep and sting deeper, making gold flow like water. You long for the biting tongue, the cutting words and those teeth like weapons– long to see the spite and anger and impure disgust aimed at the woman of silver who leads you down a hall that ends only in damnation. You follow each time like the lamb led astray by the wolf, but you do not wail in betrayal when she sinks her teeth into your throat and devours you whole.

For is it a sin if you welcome it? Has their God sinned, in the eyes of the flock, for welcoming such heresy with open arms? For allowing the wolf into their home?

Is it a sin to be broken beneath the only hands that have loved you?

Is it a sin to want to love, too, those hands and teeth stained in gold?

Then you shall be damned, you swear it. Damned, but gold no more.

For death is the closest you have ever felt to being human.

[wackywatchdotcom]

something i genuinely adore about tadc is how painfully flawed everyone in the circus is. and not in a small way

everyone does SOMETHING that negatively impacts the others. but it makes the fact that you are supposed to sympathize with and really connect with them all the more potent. because its easy to want to put a bunch of characters in a bad situation together and to just have them all be nice to each other and everyone and never make mistakes because theres no reason to hurt each other, and most of them dont TRY to, but the way they cope is so, so realistic for each of their personalities, and it doesnt always mesh with the others, and sometimes it exceeds self destructive and Just Hurts Others, Too

they still generally care about each other and the mistakes they make and the ways they end up hurting each other dont lose their weight but like. it doesnt take away from their humanity and the fact that they are all trying so hard to manage in an awful situation

and the characters seem to have sooome sort of understanding of this too. not fully, because the characters dont tend to be 100% communicative, but when they hurt each other, it often makes EVERYONE uncomfortable. because these are the only people they have. these are their friends. and theyre all coping. but it doesnt change how much it affects them (best illustrated by ragathas lines at the start of ep 2 or gangles 'i love her, but after a while it gets kinda hard to tell how genuine shes actually being'). its not all like this, theres a good amnt of variety, but characters knowing this but not really knowing what to do about it is very painful in an effective way

(i think a subtle example of this is how zooble handles gangles situation in ep 4- they were so genuinely trying to help her because they care. but could tell as the day went on that oh, this is not working at all and its making things worse, and they leave gangle alone- something that very genuinely couldve been the moment she abstracted, because of the mask zooble gave her- and we dont get to have a super blatant explanation of zoobles thoughts on it, but they reach a fairly healthy conclusion about it that helps both of them, and i like that a lot, because on paper zooble could be placed at fault but the narrative doesnt dwell on it excessively, because thats not the point. i dont know if that tangent makes sense but i think about it sometimes. i think zooble wasnt 'to blame' but it was still a mistake, which is a hard balance to strike, and having them help at the end feels extremely effective at rounding it off!!!)

but like. in general its complicated balancing making characters in a bad situation act flawed because it can run the risk of seeming like the story is scolding them or blaming them for the situation theyre in, or like youre expected to not sympathize with them despite it (though the inverse also has complications- if characters in a bad situation never mess up, it feels unrealistic and hard to relate to, and can imply that their innocence is why whats happening to them is bad at all), but the show handles it so well

even the characters who are genuinely trying all try in different ways- some of them have similar outlooks or attitudes towards these thing but theres vital differences for ALL of them- sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt. in fact some of the more painful mistakes characters have made in the show have come from them so genuinely trying (like the thing i mentioned w zooble, or basically Everything Ragatha Does, or pomnis first attempt at helping gangle, etc), which hits harder than if every mistake characters made had wholly selfish and cruel goals.

i mean, there is a selfishness to many of the characters' actions but imo not in a way thats not warranted. because all of them are in a horrible setting. its uncomfortable to watch characters be selfish. but it is a natural instinct to survive. its not the foundation of most of their actions, but when it is, its uncomfortable but hard to completely disparage them for in a way that makes you feel kinda conflicted

and like. it hurts to be doing your best and for that to make things worse, but its what happens often in the show. because no one in a bad situation is gonna handle it well. by the very nature of trying to survive something is gonna give, but it makes the themes of the show so much more powerful. that making sure the people around you dont feel unloved, cherishing them and finding meaning with others is no less important just because everyone is fucking up. it complicates things, for sure, but it doesnt make those characters exempt fromt this. theres a reason pomni tells gummigoo that she doesnt want "anyone" to feel like theyre nothing, and that kinger doesnt add ANY quallifiers to making sure people feel wanted and loved (not that i think either of them were thinking SUPER super hard, but it conveys smth from the perspective of the narrative

it gets complicated when you add in jax for sure, since i think on the surface he IS the exception to this concept- none of the characters like him, including pomni or kinger. but i think this is something thats gonna be examined further down the line, bc hes the main complicating factor in this reading of the show, but i feel like thats on purpose. hes universally disliked (and so is caine, in a different way) and his actions arent mistakes. they are him coping. the show has made it clear that he can be a complex person AND also a piece of shit. his actions dont detract from the fact that hes a person and the show reminds us of this. so it makes things so messy, but im genuinely super excited to see how the show examines that. where his character goes is, imo, going to be a massive piece of how this show fleshes out this concept

[qoldenskies]

Babagril I adore clipped wings and you are feeding my insatiable hunger for heavy angst and impeccable writing but I am a littol concerned about how fast you're putting chapters out recently. I know they've been on the shorter side compared to the beginning but plase don't push yourself too hard okies? We can wait, I just don't want you getting burnt out or something :(

Also you are so meanies to us why must Donnie constantly go through the horrors its the fic ive always craved and I am sobbing, thank youuu

hey hey im fine!! i should probably clarify that im genuinely just a fast writer and im. yknow. an unemployed 18 year old who doesnt have much to do other than stuff like this, and im fed and moved along by all the praise and kindness. you dont have to worry about me!! honestly a HUGE thing im aiming for while writing CW is the joy of getting to complete something, i actually crank these chapters out in like a sitting if im in a good mood LOL (theyre kind of scrappy, but im trying to combat my perfectionism. pretty much every time ive said im gonna take a bit i find myself too excited to, ive got a big hyperfixation on CC at the moment and all of the good reception has gotten me even more hyped bghdghfh. you have NO idea how much i stare at the fanart you guys have made for me ily....). for my next project i plan on writing a lot in advance and pacing myself better (especially because i want to do longer chapters for it), but for CW im happy to just speed through!!

^^ helped along by the fact that im trying to avoid making chapters long for the sake of it now. i dont really have a goal in mind for wordcount with this next set, because i think i want to think in what progresses more than that

and thank you!! teehee the thing i want to move to next is so much sillier but i do enjoy taking a real good dip into The Horrors....... not sure where i'll be going after wwww but its planned to be a HUGE undertaking anyway. but i will probably be returning to the horrors. and maybe CVD ive missed her my love

[hanshenrykcd]

someone saved my fic "slipping mask" as a bookmark noting that they're all out of character and now i never want to publish anything ever again 🤠

[opbackgrounds]

If there's something Oda should have focused more on in this fight, it's this. Sacrifice is a massive part of Sanji's character and will play a large role in his actions at the end of the arc. Highlighting more of Sanji's (destructive) self-sacrificial nature versus Absalom's obsessive selfishness would have done a better job developing the type of foil work that Oda loves to utilize throughout the series

[nenoname]

been seeing too many posts insisting ford should call stan "lee" lately, i'm seconds away from writing the most jarring fic where dipper inexplicably calls mabel "belle" the entire time

[quaranmine]

On Wednesday before I gave my presentation I confessed to a new employee that I was worried it would be too long and she brightly told me her life hack was to just let AI rewrite things for her. She said I should put in all my talking points and ask ChatGPT to give me a five minute exactly presentation. I was like....how is the most polite possible way (since this is a new colleague I shouldn't get off on the wrong foot with) that I can express that I will Not be taking this advice. Ever. I told her that I didn't think we were allowed to use ChatGPT at this job (we most certainly are not, it is a nightmare for any type of protected information) and also that I prefer to write all of my own work. Despite my best efforts the last part of that was still passive aggressive, lol.

Something about being a writer makes it so that it's almost offensive to me for someone to suggest I use AI to do my work instead? Like, the day I reach the point where I let AI write something for me is the day y'all need to be checking me for brain damage because clearly I'm losing it

[lulbyy]

Hey it’s been like 2 months since u last posted, everything okay? /nf /lh

hey!!!! i appreciate the check in so much thank you i promise i have a realygood excuse basically i moved out hours away from home to start university on the last day of august (hence the start of the Absence all of the dots are connecting)and i won’t get specific but im majoring in the sciences so never in my life have i had this many different class tasks to remember while also remembering that i need to buy food and schedule appointments and get to them with buses ive only just learned how to use

im not gone by any means im not even that busy most of the time my time management is just awful my biology midterm is tomorow and i started studying at 10 pm today so hopefully i know more about anatomy than i think i do But generally i get nervous a 🤏little bit whenever im doing things i like because im aware there’s so many things i should be doing so i draw less but as i get more used to it hopefully ill be able to rock back up ALSOliteral new dsmp content in 2024 and ctubbo mention what if I went Insane im also getting into ace attorney and im still into genloss and sally face etc all of that good stuff im really excited to like spending time again long story short im going crazy but its ok because i own an actual lab coat

[primrosebitch]

Sometimes i have an idea for a really good tumblr post, and i go to write it but instead my brain says fuck you it's fog time, and my brain stops working and no words come to me and so i end up abandoning the idea

[wackywatchdotcom]

i think what i NEED to do is stop drawing character standing #437 and i need to slow down on comics and i need to make a deeply symbolic piece for this show that i spend 10+ hours on

[itsmistyeyedbi]

I've seen a handful of posts about the different ways an a/n/detective romance could go down, and would like to throw my hat in the ring (with Zuri of course).

It seems like I'm sharing some braincells with people lol, because this post by @fauville and especially this post by @sewellsheart (I hope you guys don't mind me tagging you, if you do just let me know and I'll remove it) are both pretty close (or exactly spot on) to the thoughts I had earlier this week. It's also sorta kinda includes @wayhavenots headcanon of N being demiromantic.

(Also tagging @serenpedac because you mentioned that you'd like me to when I got around to posting this)

When I answered this ask with questions from the lovey dovey oc development prompts list, I mentioned that although Zuri finds aspects of each member of Unit Bravo attractive when she first meets them, Nate is who catches her eye the most. He's the closest to her type - Zuri flirts with him in book 1 regardless of the route she's in lol.

Considering the vampire senses, and the fact that sometimes Zuri wasn't being all that subtle lol, he knows this. And he flirts back too; there's some aesthetic attraction there (maybe I'm biased, but methinks Zuri is very nice to look at lol), but before much/any sexual attraction can come in Zuri’s attention pivots to Adam. I've mentioned before that she is drawn to emotionally unavailable people - but especially when they let a feeling or two slip, when she gets to see the asshole be more than an asshole lol. And Adam doesn't seem to be as indifferent to her as he was before. Quite the opposite actually.

It's no skin off Nate's back. As nice as it was, there wasn't any romantic feelings there, and it would probably be wise to not pursue something with her. Zuri is his handler's daughter, and having any potential relationship they have end the way his previous relationships did could have complicated his relationship with both of them. Besides, they aren't staying in Wayhaven for long anyway (ha!).

So it's no skin off his back. Really. Truly. Except watching Adam's growing interest in her makes envy rear it's ugly head. It's a familiar sight, one that has been directed at him throughout the 300 years of him knowing Adam. As he became his friend and his confidant, as trust and loyalty grew between them - little, stolen moments dotted the fabric of their friendship. For the first time in more years than he could reasonably keep count of, the desire for the romance he read in books and poetry blossomed into a love for Adam. To have him, body and heart and soul - and to give his own to him. From the moment he realised those feelings, he wanted to throw himself headfirst into love, into a relationship, with the man who knew and accepted every part of him.

But Adam couldn't bring himself to do the same. It was too risky, too dangerous. It would create a weakness in him that would lead to Nate's destruction. And Nate - kind, gentle, beautiful, Nate - doesn't deserve that. And Adam doesn't deserve him. So their feelings are restricted to those stolen moments, to the brief meeting of their eyes, to lingering touches. And if they trip and stumble and fall into each other's arms in the dead of night, they will return to the status-quo by morning. With there being a little more distance, a little more hurt in Nate's eyes and guilt in Adam's heart until the pain subsides. Until they fall again. They've been falling for centuries.

As much as it hurts, Nate won't push him. He understands his reservations and his concerns, how much the life he left behind still haunts him. His own haunts him as well, of course he understands. Even though he longs for the ghosts of their past to no longer hold them back.

And that interest in Zuri...it means something. But Nate finds a little bit of selfish comfort in the fact that they will continue on with their lives when the mission is complete. They will go on, with Zuri having breathed new life into his team, his family, with her acceptance and excitement, her brightness and her resilience - with her humanity.

Except... they are staying in Wayhaven. They have a home there, and Zuri will be working with them as a human liaison. He's delighted! Wayhaven is a small, charming town full of good people who should be protected. Meeting and getting to know Zuri has been wonderful and friendly, and he's looking forward to learning more about her. But that means she and Adam can continue to develop a relationship, and he has to watch as she slowly slips past his defences.

As painful as it is to watch him fall in love with another, he ultimately wants to see Adam happy, and perhaps Zuri is the person who he will find that with. She is lovely, after all. She was determined to help the people of her home when the maalused arrived and made people ill, human and supernatural alike. She was quick to protect Adam from being infected as well. She was curious, always eager to learn more about the world she'd been thrust into. She was charming and cheeky and kind, subtly coming to his defence with a smile and a wink when she met Unit Alpha while remaining friendly and gaining their favour (this is from the dialogue option where the detective can go: "just so you know, I like museums too." the smiling and winking there is Zuri specific, so not in the actual text).

They slowly grew closer, toeing the line of crossing into the deep, dark waters of their past. And the closer they become, the more it stings to see watch the tentative hope build up inside her. To then see the flash of pain in Zuri’s eyes when Adam pulls away, the guilt in his eyes when she stitches on a smile, the resignation in both of them that Nate knows all too well. She eventually starts turning to him for comfort, whether it's in the form of a distraction or advice. When she does, she's nervous and can barely meet his eye, hugging herself tight as though to keep herself from falling apart. Being vulnerable like this with someone is the last thing Zuri wants to do, but everything is eating away at her, and she just needs... something. Someone. Some way to come up for air.

The reasons are more complicated than Nate initially thought. It turns out that Zuri is just as conflicted about their connection as Adam is, with her keeping him at arms length as well as his interest evolved into longing. Into something she she can just barely recognise, something that scares her. Something she doesn't think she deserves. It gets easier to talk to Nate, just a little. Just enough for him to feel like a soft place to land, safe and warm as he allows her to curl into his side - although she catches the gleam of envy or jealousy or both.

Nate is doing his best to conceal it, but he can't help how he feels. The thing is... he isn't quite sure where it's coming from anymore, and a rare but familiar feeling stirs in his chest. And Zuri looks so comfortable buried against his side, hiding away from the world while allowing him to see the parts of her that are sharp as shards of glass, beautiful when they catch the light. And when he manages to make her smile, to make her laugh, his heart skips a beat and all he wants to do is drink in the sight of her in all her beauty...

Then he thinks of Adam, and all the times he melted at his dimpled smile and soft gaze, the times he got drunk on the sight of him standing by his side, laying underneath him...

Oh. Oh no.

Eventually, Nate does speak to Adam. I'm not entirely confident in my thoughts on how this would go down, but I don't think he would pretend that his feelings weren't there or hurt. I think Nate would tell him that his feelings for him haven't changed, but he ultimately wants him to be happy and that he might find that happiness with Zuri (there might be a little bit of awkwardness here considering his developing feelings for her). But he'd also let him know that what he's doing is only hurting her; she may not be completely innocent here, Nate knows that Adam is hurting as well and Zuri can be just as wishy washy, but all of this should let him know that pushing away the people who care about him achieves nothing. It only cause pain all around, and Adam needs to decide on whether that is or isn't something he's willing to keep doing.

This is where the the poly can come in (finally, I know). There's two possible routes for this.

1. Nate and Zuri develop feelings for each other, but remain friends while her relationship with Adam progresses and they eventually get together. Adam ends up having a general idea of their feelings for each other, based on their physical reactions more than anything. So, after a long, long, long while, Zuri and Adam talk about Nate and their not so previous feelings for him (I can see Adam talking about Nate also having feelings for Zuri like it's the most obvious thing in the world, while she's in complete disbelief lmao). They'd have a long talk about what that could mean for them, and once they determine that they still want to stay together, Zuri proposes that they talk to Nate about him possibly joining them.

I can't imagine what that would be like for Nate. Maybe it would be a little confusing. Maybe it would feel unreal that two of the people he cares for the most, the people he is in love with, love him as well. And after what could be years of him watching them together, on the outside looking in, wondering if he'd ever be able to share in their love, or if the bittersweet feelings in his chest would be his burden to carry for eternity - something he was willing to do if it meant they both got to be happy.

It would probably take a while for Nate to get comfortable, he's already not so secure in relationships. And Adam, despite him knowing Nate and their history together, would probably have to adjust to accepting his feelings for him after repressing them for so long. That he doesn't have to hide them anymore. Zuri would definitely have to take the lead here, even though she'd be just as nervous. Two amazing people being in love with her? The thought of driving them away would be in the forefront of her mind sometimes.

2. Nate and Zuri develop feelings for each other, and he tells her about his feelings for Adam. She'd be a little surprised at first before having an "Oh, so that's why xyz etc" moment lol. She'd be really curious about his feelings and if they were ever returned, considering their centuries long friendship. Nate would be surprised by how well Zuri takes it, and they highkey end up bonding over the mess that is their feelings for Adam and their love lives in general (this may be when Zuri picks up on him possibly being demiromantic). They keep getting closer and closer, with Nate being more vulnerable with her as well. Both of them would kinda enjoy how freeing it is to speak with someone about all of it (they might even be able to awkwardly admit how envious they were of the other lol). But their feelings do continue to grow in the process, and the tension builds - and when their longing for Adam is particularly difficult to bear, they seek each other out and end up finding comfort in a completely different way.

It wouldn't be completely out of place considering N's past of seeking out connection and occasionally doing it through sex. Zuri would for sure do something like this, which I think is a little obvious from this post I made a while back - but she has done the whole 'hook up to forget' thing before.

Except this time, it's different. It's not just them seeking out connection or trying to forget their reality, it's also them wanting to lose themselves in each other - the person who understands them, that they've been able to be vulnerable with in a way they couldn't be with anyone else. Someone who they're (mostly) on the same page with, someone they care for deeply, someone they can share this desperate, heartwrenching, deep-seated longing with in the most passionate and carnal and unrestrained way possible. Until they can't think. Until they can't speak. Until the feel of each other's skin is all that exists.

This second one would obviously be a lot more complicated than the first, especially if/when Adam finds out. My head is empty when it comes to how they'd progress from here, unless we really went with the 'stuck in the safe house' option lol.

I delve into how Zuri would get involved in a polyamorous relationship in this ask that I think contextualises her perspective a little more.

But, yeah! Those are most of my thoughts!

[enypneion-aa]

i keep thinking about ailun and his arc of unlearning everything his father had taught him because the abuse he went through had affected him to a point that he harbors both negative and positive emotions towards him, but there is also a lot to unlearn behavior wise. there is an internalized messages about weakness, shame and expectations that his father gave him. it taught him that affection or validation is only given conditionally or that love must be earned by enduring pain or mistreatment. these ingrained beliefs made it incredibly difficult to trust, to be vulnerable or even to feel deserving of kindness and respect in any of his relationships, both personal and political. there was also the challenge of detangling identity from what’s been taught. for ailun, a father’s role is pivotal in shaping his self - image and confidence, but in the context of his abuse, their relationship distorted self - understanding. he struggled to find his own identities, especially since he's been told (implicitly AND explicitly) that he's not enough and that he should be a certain way. this struggle was only intensified when unlearning as it required him to let go of the need for approval that has been deeply embedded since childhood. it's such a long process but !!!!