#wow maybe i am fucked up
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🪱✨food for the worms✨🪱
#actually bpd#bpd problems#bpd vent#actually borderline#actually mentally ill#bpd fp#bpd#bpd shitposting#bpd favorite person#bpd mood#ngl being worm food seems kinda romantic#wow maybe i am fucked up#oops
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Ghost after meeting Soap.
Price : Have you slept?
Ghost : Depends what day it is
Price : Go to bed.
#cod mw2#simon ghost riley#captain john price#implied ghostsoap#implied soapghost#ghost is a catboy by the way#Soap is more complicated because he's a cat person and doesn't like dogs but also he's very dogboy leaning personality wise#dad price for the win even if he's only old enough to be big brother price; he's 50 spiritually according to his 'kids'#price would be like 'ok do you want to talk about it?'#and ghost would look at him like 'what do you mean “talk about it” what happened to bottle it up like normal people?'#“i'll just forget all about it” ghost tells himself#and then soap is bumping into him in the corridor and smiling up at him with the power of the fucking sun and wow ghost is in love fuck#i was supposed to draw something for valentine's day but my brain was all no : funny scene first but now it's 9:30 am and i haven't slept#maybe expect something for valentine's day at some point - probably not today tho but like at some point this week maybe ?
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I cannot imagine being a Damian stan right now. You've got both Zdarsky's bullshit (where he clearly doesn't give a shit about your boy) and The Boy Wonder (where Juni Ba clearly gives so many shits about your boy) coming out on the same day. The whiplash must be insane. I hope y'all get some nice warm soup for your efforts jfc
#damian wayne#damian al ghul#damian al ghul wayne#batman#batfamily#for all of the issues that come with having Steph as your fave having too much wild shit happening at once is never one of them#btw I quite like The Boy Wonder Issue 1. wow shocker an artist and writer who I have liked everything they've ever done#has once again written something that I am enjoying with art that makes me want to be part of its world.#it's almost like Juni Ba is really freaking talented or something#like I have some problems with it but it seems like many of those are part of the point. Damian is learning that his siblings are more#three-dimensional than he realized and that is part of this 'coming of age' story merged with fairytale#so I can't be mad at the oversimplistic defining of Dick and Jason and Tim until the conclusion of the series. that might be the point.#I hope that the series will address Steph as a Robin but if not then frankly it's not an issue unique to this series.#I'll be annoyed and disappointed but ultimately roll with it like I am with Babsgirl being here. There's too much good stuff here to get#hung up on shit that seems to be almost an editorial mandate at this point. at least that's where I'm at.#I am also very sorry that Chip Zdarsky is massacring your boy. he has 'X (Tim for him) is the best Robin so everyone else must suck' diseas#where a writer really likes one specific Robin and in trying to uplift them demeans all of the other Robins. instead of like...just writing#for that one character only or alternatively not demeaning the other characters in order to make his blorbo look good#it's wild because I actually think his writing for Tim is pretty solid. but he's not writing a Tim series. he's writing a Batman series.#and if you are going to write a Batman series and include other Batfamily members you need to actually write them well.#instead of assigning them like 2 personality traits while Tim gets to be a whole character#I accept that behavior in fanfic where I have lesser standards because it's fucking free. not a comic run that wants me to pay#tens of dollars in order to understand what the fuck is going on. he's been going for a while now it's gotta be a lot of money.#I can buy Steelworks with that money. I can see John Henry and Natasha Irons in a trade. Fuck you Chip.#it's why it takes such a special person to write a good ensemble story/a good Batfamily story. you have to be good at writing a LOT#of different characters. which I don't think most people are. I sure as hell am not. I can write maybe 3 at a time confidently well.#and you also have to give all of them at least SOME love or else people will be upset that you aren't focusing on their fave#and also the writing as a whole will suffer. Chip Zdarsky is a pretty good Tim writer. I'd maybe read a Tim solo written by him.#I would not read a story focusing on multiple characters that I like written by Chip Zdarsky. because every character who isn't Tim#is at least a bit weak/inconsistent/out of character INCLUDING FUCKING BATMAN. THE NO. 1 GUY MOST ARE HERE FOR
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MARIONMORSE, DROP ANOTHER HELMETPARTY SCENARIO AND MY LIFE IS YOUUURSS 🙏🙏🙏🙏
do u think... Do you think sometimes when the team has a movie night, when they watch those 60's action war movies like "Von Ryan's Express" and "Battle of the Bulge" or spaghetti westerns like "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" and "Death Rides on a Horse," Soldier pauses during or right after fight scenes or duels or whatever to obsessively overanalyze them. Like, he'll try and turn them into strategies to use on the job, takes, uhm, 'notes', (tactical doodles,) sets up nerdy models using a whiteboard map and improvised figurines, uses these examples when he does those psyche-up pre-battle speeches or during strategy meetings.
'Cause I bet he does, I bet he does that, and it completely kills the momentum of the movie to the point where the rest of the team gets disinterested and slowly leaves him behind to do their own thing.
I genuinely bet Engie wouldn't though, nah, I bet he's enough of a patient kind of gentle kind of man willing to stick through these pauses 'cause he's just that into the movie. And maybe he's just a teeny bit into Soldier's dissections of actiony chaos. Maybe gleans a bit of an understanding of Soldier's thinking that way. Admires the guy's passion about his 'research,' how thoughtfully he gathers details in an effort to help the team. Starts mixing in tapes for these sorts of movies more regularly to their movie night pool maybe subconsciously, maybe on purpose. The rest of the team doing their own movie night. losers.
#soldier being autistic about 60's action movies#just like me fr fr#the original die hard would fucking KILL him oh my god can you imagine#engie sitting with sparkly eyes watching soldier go off about the duel in a fistful of dollars:#tf2 headcanons#tf2#engineer tf2#helmet party#engiesolly#eftanz u are a hero genuinely your art killed me then brought me back its crazy#praying to the time and space gods to let me airdrop reels of die hard indiana jones and robocop to the red base like a hunger games sponsor#guy gets shot in a movie:#soldier tf2 with his jaw wide open: holy shit... did you see that..?#when u asked this i though “oh god oh no this well is dry what am i gonna do”#but then this happened. ily#solly is over here developing advanced attack methods inspired by war epics#engie over here like: waow... he's so passionate... sighs...#maybe hes just happy somebody else loves cheesy spaghetti westerns#j....just like me.......fr.....#romcom trope where they reach for the popcorn bucket at the same time and touch hands#romcom trope where the characters in the movie fall in love and engie looks up at soldier like “wow....thats crazy haha...”#the onesided movie date. engie is too nervous to ask him on a real one so this will do.#for now.
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Forgive me, forgive me. I ask, I beg, I pray, but it never comes.
You know I find it incredibly bewildering to see just how much kalki reflects myself in him like YEAH Duh of course he does, he’s my little guy it’s like his full time job. But at the same time he is a fully functional facet of my being and he is at the mercy of my whimsies, and whatever he discovers in his arduous journey of self realisation is ultimately a reflection of what I discover in the real world. It’s also incredibly funny because ffxiv lore for dark knights is really baked into the idea of (re)discovering yourself amongst the bloodshed and continuing to live and love and thrive despite the world working against us. who would have thought such a raw message could come from an mmorpg side quest about edgy emo boys of all places
also adamantite armour of fending i would lay down my LIFE for u
variant + phone bg version + ID below the cut
tch as if you guys are actually going to use artwork of my little guy as your phone background. i know. how dumb. let a girl dream. i should make an alternate version but it's of Fray and Myste
[START ID: A picture with a red background focusing on the character's bust that is placed to the left of the image's centre. He is coloured with a dark blue overlay, contrasting with the red background. He has brown skin, long black hair that falls over his shoulders, and is wearing blue and gold armour and earrings. He is looking at the viewer, right eye dark brown and the left an glowing unnatural red, with an expression that looks determined and angry and yet bitter and forlorn. In the foreground and on the right side of the piece, a miniature version of the character stands coloured in a light blue overlay and wearing the same blue and gold armour, looking as if he is glowing. He is facing towards the left of the piece, or perhaps at the character bust, his expression unreadable. Above the miniature character's head is the symbol representing the FFXIV dark knight, coloured in gold. END ID.]
#the burst of creativity that shot through me is indescribable. i can only hope this is a sign that i am FINALLY out of art block#but OF COURSE my creativity comes back right when gamsat is around the corner. it's always a fucking exam. i fucking hate myself#maybe this piece is supposed to be vent art at how I CANNOT MANAGE MY SHIT AND I AM JUST. NOT DOING THINGS RIGHT. NOT DOING THINGS RIGHT !!#and i tell myself it's fine but maybe it's NOT fine? i told myself i'd work on it but nothing is getting worked on#nothing productive at all. not even for uni nor for myself. nothing is happening at all. it's just going through the days#waking up. wishing i'd slept more. stare at my laptop for hours. youtube. watch 10mins of lectures. then a nap. then the laptop. then sleep#but i dont and it pisses me off because nothing is working. i'm like if linguini lost his rat and i'm staring at the kitchen catching fire#maybe go to class if it's on for that day. scrambling notes together. pretending i DO have my shit together#i COULD put out the fire. but i'm not. i could and i can but im not. the extinguisher is in my hand. fire's not going out. i'm still here.#maybe. maybe that's why drk resonates with me so much. at the end of the day. maybe i am just a stupid bastard#-who can't get their act together. who actively shoots themselves in the foot and bleeds all over the place trying to make something happen#only this time- this time the perpetrator isn't someone i can point at and demand answers from. it's me hi i'm the problem it's me#and i can- i SHOULD find a way to make this all work. to make this whole Living My Life business work. but the extinguisher's in my hand#wow okay that was really heavy anyway uhhhhh TAGS TAGS TAGS TAGSSSSS#ffxiv#ff14#ffxivwol#ffxiv wol kalki#ffxiv dark knight#artoftheagni#and the fire keeps going#tw eyestrain#cw bright colors#idk the red is really bright and it;s nice for my eyes but idk for anyone else
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Dragon Noodle Soup :3
#world of warcraft#dragonflight#dragons#I both adore the kalimdor racing event and also am highly frustrated cuz advanced gold is always 1-3 seconds off#most fun ive ever had in WoW#also worst time ever#maybe second to the mage tower cuz that shit was NOT MADE for my ADHD ass#im joking the worst times in this game is trying to convince strangers to let you join endgame content#and then get bullied by them#i dont do dungeons anymore#seriously tho the dragon racing is some of the most fun and engaging wow content ever give me moreeeee#I need more single player content that feels like this#that is highly rewarding and i dont need to suck up to assholes to achieve#((desperatly begging for a solo story version of dungeons and raids so i can experience the story without getting abused by other players))#i DID THE MONK DMG MAGE TOWER IN LEGION. I HAVE TRIED THE NEW VER 100 FUCKING TIMES#AND ITS HARDER THIS TIME SO I FUCKING CAN'T#ASLDKHADOIHADIA#I have to be on top of every fucking thing for like 12 minutes straight due to my dmg output and following guides dont help me#I got him down to 20-30 percent and then ditched the game to play FFXIV for a full ass year#this was jan 2022#I havn't attempted since i probably should.#sorry forgot what this post was about
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FIRST SNOW OF THE YEAR!
#normally i would not cheer as i am not winters biggest fan and a lot of snow can be annoying#however. sometimes the first little snow can be delightful and well snow is fun. its fun to see it#although it looks a little windier out than id like#was it last year when everyone was freaking out that nyc wasnt getting any snow??#im also so fucked up on what time of the year it is for some reason im like wow snow in november#like no you just had your birthday and its almost christmas its december you idiot#i hope the snow sticks around at least until i get out of work so i can walk in it#like i may hate the cold and new york city. but darn if it isnt a little bit nice to walk in it when its snowing#ok now its really windy. and that's less fun#its been like what 500 years since this area's had snow on christmas. maybe just maybe.......????#saying that i remember snow at christmas as a child like lets get you inside grandpa#im also taking a glorious week off work next week which is much needed#people are annoying me so much <3#so for a wonderful week they won't be my problem!
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OKAY. MAN.
#THAT WAS. A LOT#(positive)#laya plays dav#dav spoilers#oc: ylva ingellvar#will have to rotate that in my head a while because. AUGH#also WOW FUCK am i glad i didn't send davrin at the start there#she feels guilty abt harding for sure but considering davrin's one of the people she's become closest with#that wouldve been Even Worse#in a way i'm really glad that sb died because ngl man. with the stakes this high i was kind of expecting it would happen sooner or later#though i also wondered if it would've been a companion quest thing#like. they put so much emphasis on ''we have to be ready'' i thought maybe that if you dont finish their quests#there is a chance (or higher chance) that they'd be rng picked to die or something like that#ALSO. INCREDIBLY CRUEL THAT THEY TOOK BELLARA#YLVA FEELS NORMAL ABOUT THAT FOR SURE. fucked up that the two people she is closest to can die in this mission#(the others are stills saying we can get her back though so. we'll see! not like ylva really believes it rn)#the prison sequence was real fucking cool but i will have to think abt that more later#because yeah ylva DOES feel real fucking guilty about all of that. her ass would not make peace with her regrets this easily#AND ALSO. DAMN SON @ VARRIC#that was. not what i expected. but oof now it makes sense that no one checked on him or why he didnt get better At All#and also eyyy vindication re: ylva not being able to accept death yet (wrt manfred) xddd#so in that way ig it could make sense that accepting his death is what starts her on being able to accept the rest as well?#idk#like i said gotta rotate that more later#for now. lets finish this game 💪💪
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links meet but it's just my 600 AUs of skyward sword
#top right looks like a joke. I promise he didn't look so much like an anime boy in the initial sketch#I did him last and am getting very tired lol#sword spirit (human form) was the first I did I should have stopped while I was ahead lmao#going to reblog this with links (ha) to the fics they show up in. maybe#that would be a lot of work#cherryart#skyward sword#'wow cherry these are all soooo cool have you actually written them where can I read them'#well. for once. they DO all have writing to go with them :0#however. it's all fucking ghiralink
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didn't realize how bad my environment affected my mental state until i left it . ... november has been suspiciously nice to me and I've been having less thoughts abt how little I matter and wow. I've been like having more collective good days than I've had like all year.
#january me wouldve been sobbing their eyes out like oh my god whst do u mean u left and nothing happened#what do you mean#but . i feel my needs r taken csre of here#crazy right i barely know anybody and yet ive felt more loved than i have all year its making me emotional#and damnit i am not goinf to cry over mh lunch at work. no sir#people think about me. like actually. i am a presence people notice and oh wow.#even when i was jhst a fucking emoji i was . Thought of. isnf that insane?#people ca n just pop into my inbox and go hi buddy whats up. ahhhh?#maybe i will cry lol#im not sure tjis is a negative vent but it is certainly charged wkth something so#tw vent#micetalk#gahhh i dont offer anything and people continue to be around me anyways i dont have to be basically a pet to be loved#so weid#so weird so so so weird#very good for hslping ease my borderline things of just makinf myself miserable if it meant i was easy enough.#gahhhhh...#i thought this wouldve been the most soul crushing potentially years kf mh life and yet.#all that suffering. all the worst is behind me.#word#Word!!!!
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woah truly nothing fucks you up like family
#so it's sunday and i have been calling and inviting people to my wedding...... and hooo boy did i get some answers#my grandmother told me she doesn't know who i am and hung up on me :)#(we haven't been in touch a lot due to some family conflict that i had no part of because i was a child when something happened - i still#dont know what but something clearly did - so i was expecting maybe a cold No Thank You or whatever but jesus fucking christ....#and it affected me more than i expected.... just wow.) also my godmother was very polite but cold i don't even expect her to come and#it was a truly awkward conversation but i survived.....#also my mom is having some kind of depressive episode or something so there is that#and i have pms and want to cry and sleep and throw up all the time actually now double because additional stress#uhhhhhhhh. FAMILY. anyway - this is and has been my diary since 2011 so where else am i to vent about stuff like this#personal
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I've had a few conversations recently, mostly with castmates, where they are very surprised to learn that I am 30. They keep pegging me as early 20's. And like...it keeps making me feel uncomfortable instead of flattered. And I've been wondering why because I really don't think I've unlearned the whole "30 is old" thing THAT well despite my best efforts.
And I think it might be partially because I kind of feel like I've been tricking them? Like oh no these 20 year olds thought I was one of them but actually I am a gross creepy old person. And partially also because I'm afraid that they're actually calling my actions immature? Like you thought I was younger because I don't act like a "real adult"? I don't know.
Like they literally keep staring at me open mouthed that happened more than once. Stop doing that! It makes me feel weird :(
#this feels like a brag but it's not#I look normal!!!!! people who are 30 don't look old!!!!#maybe that is a much deeper misconception in the public consciousness of young people than I thought#and I have actually done an ok job at unlearning it??? I don't know#I will say that in the last few years I feel like I have lost all ability to tell what age people are#like I was never good at it but I look at people now like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#so maybe part of it is learning that these people are younger than I thought#like you're 22??? a child????#anyway I feel like what I am afraid of is that I am doing the adulting thing SO BAD that it gives off the impression#that I am a decade younger than I am#IS IT THAT OBVIOUS#the more I think about it the more I realize people tend to ask a lot if I'm in school#I mean no insult to college students but “college aged” is NOT the vibe I want to give off#ah yes that person obviously looks of the age where they barely know how to take care of themselves and don't know anything about life!#LIKE IT'S TRUE BUT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY IT TO MY FACE LIKE THAT#“oh wow you're old enough to be my acutal mom!”#SHUT!!! THE FUCK UP!!! IT'S WEIRD TO ME TOO!!!!
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u ever seriously wonder if ur gonna make it thru the year
#im#not even sad abt it.#just thinking.#i saw my aunt today and she bought me alc like every time i see a family member. lolololol i am mentally and physically ill i absolutely#failed at resisting temptation#mainly bc im a WRECK due to my period#i did not break the cycle of addiction that runs HEAVILY on both sides of my family 💀💀💀#maybe one day but that isnt today.#i actually havent drank in like a month whixh is awesome for me given. The Tendicies.#anyone else also feel like theyve taken a stimulant on alc????#like i have so much energy and joy but without the horrific heart racing symptoms#it’s bc it works on gaba receptors that seems to be what im lacking#bc neurontin (gabapentin) was the psych med that worked WONDERS for me and i’ve been on 10+ other meds that haven’t done SHIT#my doc wld not prescibe me last time i went despite being prescribed before and ir working wonderfully#she just upped my paxil which didnt do jack fucking shit#then i lost insurance so i havent been able to follow up w her But im working on that#it just sucks so much that the only time i feel relatively happy is on drugs#then i think well. at least im no longer in my benedryl phase like when i was younger💀#and im like wow it rly cld be worse. i guess.#tendencies*#oh jesus i am NOT proofreading this. sorry
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Kinda fucked up how all the people I know are like "Yeah I know what I want in my life. I want to work in X field and I want/don't want a long-term partner who I'm going to marry, I want kids and-"
and I'm there just like 🧍
#like wow ok#i have no idea what i want man I'm just doing what's required of me#or more like i think i know some of the things i want but I'm actively beating them up every day and instead choosing#what i consider to be my duty#like yeah I really want to work in design and you know the dream is character design and concept art but that's unrealistic#and any design would do. but that's selfish so like lol no. psychology it is. social work if i fail at that. it's an acceptable#compromise. it's not what I want but it is what i am ok with subjecting myself to.#whenever it looks like I might fail a class at university i get really anxious but also really excited#because on one hand I'm failing to take care of my duties and responsibilities. on the other if they kicked me out nobody could#say i didn't try. i could just say that I'm too stupid. i could say that i don't have what it takes. id be a failure but not out of my#volition. they could tell me that im stupid or inferior but they couldn't label me selfish.#and then id just fuck off to work as a florist or maybe id just work in a smokes shop or anything low stakes like that#while I'd be looking for a job in design. hell i don't even need a job in that field; id love to just work a simple job where after clocking#out i could just go home and partake in my hobbies. like i wouldn't even need to have it as my field of work id be perfectly#content with posting character designs online and sometimes getting a small buck by selling pins and dolls and etc#that's definitely what i want in life. but that's fucked up and selfish and would make me a failure and then i would never#be able to even dream of earning humanity. so. doing my duty it is
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:D (I ramble in my tags about this)
#shuichi iguchi#shigaraki tomura#mha spinner#bnha spinner#spinaraki#spinneraki#ok now that the tags are out of the way LETS TALK#i was reading a webtoon when female lead did that whole laugh and cover it with your hand thing and i do it sometimes too#and i got to thinking about WHY and why its usually girls depicted as such and i know some people dont like their teeth/smile#and im like well shut the fuck up! im thinking fem spinner!!! like being self conscious about how she looks and developing it on accident#and shigaraki never really noticing until one day she DOES and wow spinner looks really pretty when she laughs and why does she hide it#like damn!!! i have a lot of thoughts about what spinner but female and the changes that would have on the character and why and agdjfkflg#ANYWAYS someone stop me from regressing to the old way i used to do hair bc its too damn time intensive but its so easy to zone out during#fem shigaraki#fem spinner#was going to properly do the background but i got done after forgetting the texture for spinner for the 4th time + went eeeh good enough#also!!!!!! the last “”panel“” made me realize how weird that angle is to draw spinner with his major proportions and also keep the soft 1/2#2/2 smile reading as a smile and agdhfkfl am i adding “looks like a resting bitch face” to my spinner headcanons? maybe.#but imagine spinner trying so hard to look approachable and give a little smile but his face just????? doesnt do that very well (at least#not as easily as more human looking humans) and how that might play into his ostracization and then him leaning into that#as a defense mechanism (like if they think im an ass then I'll look like an ass on purpose) ahdndn he was so grumpy in the bar in the bg#mha jbee
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i think a lot of people irl think i might be a lesbian just because i am so picky about men. cause most of the time im like eh he’s okay. oh he’s not my type. no i dont think that guy is hot. so they just assume i dont like men at all. which is. fair
#like if you asked me if i think a girl is pretty it doesn’t matter who it is or what they look like im going to say yes because women omg#women..wow#but if you asked me i think a boy is cute there is a 80/20 chance i say no. and a 50/50 i say#actually i think he’s really ugly#..i feel like i need to add a disclaimer even tho i know no one cares#but im not trying to imply that like. how ‘attractive’ someone dictates their value as a person#like if i call someone ugly it isn’t necessarily an insult in my mind i just don’t think they’re attractive#but someone else probably does! and that’s great! i don’t!#sometimes i get myself in trouble talking like that…i don’t *mean* it as an insult it’s just a fact in my brain#like. the fact is i think this person is ugly. maybe they’re a wonderful person! great! other people probably fine them cute! but i don’t.#and that’s just objectively true information. i forget not everyone’s on the same train of thought as i am :’)#anyways. idk what point im trying to make.#oh. i also have my guard up around men a lot more than i do around women#i don’t go out of my way to be rude but i’m more likely to get myself out of talking g to a man#than i am to a woman. not that anyone does talk to me#but if a girl compliments me im like wow! i feel so special and wonderful uwu#if a boy compliments me im like….the fuck do you want from me#ppl see this and are like wow she must just not like boys#idk#snow.txt
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