#I have to be on top of every fucking thing for like 12 minutes straight due to my dmg output and following guides dont help me

[druidonity2]

Dragon Noodle Soup :3

[fillmeuplikehelium]

Lunch break - Jeong Jaehyun

It makes me so angry to see other men looking at you, I just want you for myself...

Warnings and tags: rated M, dom!jaehyun, fem!reader, jealous!jaehyun, dirty talk, alt!universe, CEO!Jaehyun

Word count: 1300

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It's Wednesday morning. Today Jaehyun’s girlfriend is coming over for lunch. Or at least that's what his employees think their boss and his girlfriend do every wednesday: have a nice and totally innocent lunch at his office. He tries to finish his work before she arrives. From his seat he can see his team working on a new project at the office next door and he regrets having glass walls instead of concrete. Glass walls don't give him the level of privacy he needs when she's around.

Jaehyun's girlfriend arrives at 12:00. She greets his employees with a kind smile and walks right into his office, placing the food bags on the small coffee table at the small lounge near the entry door. Jaehyun gets up from his desk and walks over to meet her, placing his hands on her waist and giving her a chaste kiss on the cheek. He's not really into public displays of affection, especially at his office.

"Hello, love" he greets her with a smile on his face. "I'll send the team away for lunch".

Jaehyun walks into the office next door and gives his team 90 minutes to go and have lunch outside. His girlfriend waits for him sitting on the fancy leather sofa, her dress a little too short and showing a little too much skin for a lunch date at the office.

When all the employees are gone, Jaehyun returns to his office, closing the glass door behind him. He stands in front of his girlfriend and rolls up his sleeves.

"How was your morning, darling?" she asks, crossing her legs. "I brought your favorite lun-"

"Do you think that dress is an appropriate attire for visiting a CEO at his office?" Jaehyun interrupts her.

"It's summer, Jaehyun. What did you expect me to wear?"

"Maybe something that wouldn't make all my employees turn and stare at you like they want to eat you"

"It's not my fault they're not used to seeing a pretty woman in a strappy dress" she utters, nonchalantly.

Jaehyun closes his eyes for a moment and sighs. He hates having this kind of argument with her because deep down he knows she's right. He loves her in a tiny summer dress but he hates seeing how people look at her from head to toe just because she's showing a little bit of legs and cleavage. Especially men.

"I just don't want them to think inappropriate things about you, baby..." Jaehyun explains.

"I don't care what your damn employees think about my body, Jaehyun"

"Don't talk to me like that" he says firmly. "I'm the one who cares about what they think, you're my girlfriend after all"

"Well, that's your fucking problem. Not mine." she states with a mocking smile.

"Stop. You know I don't like when you say bad words" he scolds her.

"If you are so mad then we should have lunch now so I can leave before your employees come back. I don't want them to think inappropriate things about me" she replies, mimicking his words. She's very aware of the way some people look at her, but she really doesn't care. It's damn summer. And she knows how crazy Jaehyun gets when he sees her wearing her summer dresses.

She leans over the coffee table and starts unpacking the lunch boxes. As she moves, the top button of her dress comes undone and Jaehyun gets to see a tiny trace of a lace bra under it.

"Forget about lunch" Jaehyun stops her, standing up straight. "Get up and show me what's under that dress"

"I prepared this myself this morning. It's a recipe I found on Youtube" she explains casually, pretending not to pay attention to him.

"Get over here" he orders her, again.

"Oh, I'm so hungry... this looks really tasty" she continues, placing all the dishes over the table. Jaehyun sounds very serious, but she loves getting him a little mad every now and then.

"I said-"

"Sit down, Jaehyun" now it's her time to boss him around. "Have a taste of this, it smells delicious". She looks at him with angelic eyes and he stares coldly at her, arms crossed over his chest.

"You wanna have lunch? he asks, finally walking over and sitting next to her. "Okay, let's have lunch."

Jaehyun reaches out and angrily grabs his chopsticks from the table. A small laugh escapes her lips making him turn his head to look at her, eyes wide open.

"What are you laughing at?" he inquires.

"Why are you so mad today? Are you jealous of your employees?" she asks, placing a hand on his leg. "You know I don't care about other people, I only have eyes for you... and maybe one or two of your friends"

Jaehyun shakes his head, cracking a smile.

"God, you love teasing me, don't you?"

She grabs the chopsticks from Jaehyun's hand and places them on the table again. Without wasting any more time she moves and sits on his lap, putting her arms around his shoulders. Jaehyun groans and grips her by the waist.

"I do love teasing you" she confesses, kissing his cheeks.

Jaehyun's anger melts down immediately with her touch. He has been dying to have her in his arms since she set foot at his office. He grabs the back of her neck and gently pulls her closer to bring their mouths together. They kiss slowly at first, lips barely brushing, but then Jaehyun moves his hand to her chin and makes her open her mouth, sliding his tongue inside. She moans and grips her arms tighter around him, running a hand through his hair and tugging a little. Jaehyun moves his hands under her dress, gripping her ass and making her grind over his lap.

They stop kissing only when they feel like they can’t breathe anymore. She continues to rub herself over him, feeling how he gets harder and harder in his pants. Jaehyun throws his head back and she takes the chance to kiss his neck, licking all the way to his ear and nibbling softly on his earlobe.

“You look so hot when you get mad, Jaehyun” she whispers. “It gets me so wet…”

“Really?” he asks, caressing her back under her dress. “Are you sure you’re not getting wet thinking about my friends?”

“It was a joke, Jaehyun. You know I love you” she answers, kissing him on the lips again.

“And I love you too, baby.” he says, breaking the kiss and looking into her eyes. “But you need to stop wearing this dresses to visit me at the office”

“Don’t you like them?” she asks, pouting a little.

“I love them, darling, you know how much I do…” Jaehyun leans over and starts giving small pecks on her neck and cleavage. “I love your legs, I love your tits, I love your skin, I love how you taste…”

Jaehyun slides his hands down to grip her ass, making her whine again.

“It makes me so angry to see other men looking at you, I just want you for myself” he pleads, gripping the hem of her dress. “Take it off, c’mon”

She gets up from his lap and unbuttons her dress until it falls freely to the floor, revealing the lace underwear she had picked out this morning to wear for Jaehyun’s eyes only.

“God, you look so damn good” Jaehyun says, admiring her body from head to toe. He can’t help but rub his hard cock through his pants, biting his lower lip.

She leans over and places her hands on his shoulders, letting him see her from up close.

“How do you want me today, sir? On your lap or on my knees?”

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Also on ao3:

Lunch break

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Jaehyun's first album comes out on August 26th. Make sure to stream! 🌹

[brahmsthirdracket]

Hello! I recently came across your hughes brothers fics and binge read most of them last night :). Would you be open to writing anything about the time Luke said quinn ripped jack’s braces out of his mouth? (If you’re not taking requests feel free to ignore this!!!)

Luke never feels like eating much before cross-country. He likes it fine - he likes it more than fine actually, at least compared to Jack and Quinn, because it’s one of the few things he’s better at than them - but the thought of slogging it through the mud straight after breakfast makes his stomach roll.

He swirls his spoon around his bowl of cereal instead, trying to corral his Cheerios into a pleasing formation. He’s got a kind of Great Lakes thing going on but he’s eaten Lake Superior and it’s doesn’t really make sense for the milk to be the land and - 

“Time to go, kiddos!”

He swallows Lakes Erie, Michigan, Huron and Ontario, and the surrounding landmass with a grimace, and shuffles into the hall. Jack and Quinn are already sitting on the stairs wearing matching fleecy headbands and looking miserable. 

“It’s cold,” Jack whines. 

“Run faster then,” their mom says, rummaging through her purse. “You’ll soon warm up.” She looks real pretty today, Luke thinks. Like maybe she did her hair extra nice or something. He pulls his headband on and sits on the bottom step, cheek resting on Quinn’s knee, to wait. 

“Jim!” she bellows. “Hurry up! I’m already running late!” 

“For what?” Their dad’s head appears through the basement door, followed by his golf clubs and then the rest of him. “Where are you going?”

“Where are you going?”

“The PTA fall fundraiser,” says his mom, at the same time his dad says, “Golf.” 

“It’s on the calendar,” they both say at the same time. 

“Well, you’ll have to reschedule,” says his mom in that voice that means no arguing. “Boys have a meet in Sunnybrook.” 

“But -” splutters his dad. “I can’t reschedule. I put it on the calendar, like you told me to.” He lowers his voice, pleading. “El, it’s with the guys.”

“It’s okay mom,” says Quinn, standing up to lean over the bannister and pat her shoulder consolingly. “We’ll miss cross-country this one time.” 

“Let me see this,” she growls, and they all trot into the kitchen after her to peer at her Wildflowers of Texas calendar. 

Fall Fundraiser shift 9-12 is written in today’s box in his mom’s neat handwriting, and below that: 

Q, J & L Prep 2 XC 9am (don’t forget headbands!!)

Someone’s drawn a skull next to cross-country, almost- but-not-quite obscuring a tiny and unmistakable golf printed right at the bottom. 

“See?” says his dad, jabbing a finger at it. 

“Well, just go after the race and take the boys with you,” she says, already fishing out her car keys. 

“But - tee time is at nine! Ellen!” 

“It’d better be a quick race then, hadn’t it?”

She kisses each of them, pinching Jack’s scowling face and adjusting Quinn’s headband. Luke turns his face into her fleeting pat on the cheek before she’s out the door in a waft of perfume.

“Run fast and don’t fall in the lake!” she calls ominously over her shoulder, just before the door swings shut behind her. 

Their dad waits for her SUV to pull out of the drive and down the road before he flicks the curtain back into place and motions for them all to huddle in. 

“Come here, rink rats.” He tugs them in close, lowers his voice like he’s about to reveal some top-secret play. “And listen up. This is the plan.”

***

The plan turns out to be the ODR, a bag of pucks and a cheery, “I’ll pick you up in a coupla hours!” before Luke’s even out of the car. 

Jack whoops with happiness the minute he hits the ice, spinning and sending the pucks scattering in every direction. Quinn’s right behind him, thwacking puck after puck into the net. 

“Fuck.” Thwack “Cross.” Thwack “Countryyyyy.” Thwack

“Forever,” Jack sing-songs, sweeping one up onto his stick and slinging it through the air. It bounces off the metal with a twang.

“C’mon Lukey,” he calls, scuffling playfully against Quinn. “Don’t pretend you actually like that shit.”

Luke tries to sulk for a bit, taking his time with his laces. His brothers hadn't even laced them up for him, which, rude. But it’s a perfect November morning, as crisp and perfect as a snowglobe before you turn it upside down. They’ve got the whole rink to themselves. It’s been way too long since they did this: no adults, no cones or drills or gear, just the three of them together, playing hockey. 

“Yeah, well some of us can actually outrun old ladies pushing little dogs in strollers,” he chirps, darting out into the middle. 

Quinn and Jack exchange a look. “Get ‘im,” growls Quinn, with a wolfish grin, lurching towards Luke and trying to hook him in with his stick. Luke squeals, twisting away and rocketing as fast as he can up to the other end of the rink, Jack in hot pursuit. They chase him all over, dodging pucks and their abandoned sticks and gloves, until they’re all wheezing with giggles. Quinn eventually manages to get an arm around his neck from behind and pull them both down and Jack belly-flops on top. 

“One day,” Luke pants from the bottom of the dogpile, trying to knee Quinn in the balls so he’ll let him up and getting a facewash for his troubles, “I’m gonna be bigger and faster than both of you.” 

“But until that day,” Quinn replies, finally rolling off and tugging Luke to his feet, “You can get in goal.” 

They play shinny until they’re hot under their sweatshirts and jerseys, hair sticking to their foreheads and breath coming in short pants, and Luke thinks he’s never had so much fun playing hockey, playing anything. It’s hard though, just as gut-churning as a whole weekend tournament or relentless drills in the basement with his dad. Jack and Quinn never give an inch, never care that he’s smaller and younger when it comes to this, and he loves them for it, because when victory comes, he knows he’s earned it. They push each other just as hard, sometimes too hard Luke thinks, watching Jack cuss and elbow Quinn in the gut as they're scrabbling against the boards. Quinn shoves his face back, and the next minute they’re rolling around on the ice in one of their completely shitty fistfights. 

Luke hovers next to them, glancing around and praying no one he knows from school is about to walk past. 

“Stop. Trying. To. Bite.” pants out Quinn. He’s managed to roll over and pin Jack with his weight, and is trying to push his face away. Jack’s a slippery eel though - especially when he’s an eel on ice - and he seems to be trying to lick Quinn to get him off. Which is not a tactic Luke would use himself, honestly, but whatever works he guesses. It must work, because he manages to sink his teeth into Quinn’s forearm and they’re rolling all over the place, gloves and sticks forgotten - thank God. What happens next is a blur of flying arms and legs (and in Jack’s case teeth, the weirdo), but suddenly Jack lets out a shriek of pain - a real one - and Quinn lets go of him like he’s been burned. 

Jack curls up, one hand over his mouth, and whimpers into his knees. 

“Jack? What’s wrong?” Quinn tries to make him look up, pull his hand down. Jack’s eyes are huge with unshed tears. “Jackie?” Quinn asks again, really worried now.

“Um,” says Luke. He squats down next to Jack and picks up the little piece of metal off the ice. Cradling it in his glove, he holds it out to Jack, who gazes at it for a moment and then promptly socks Quinn square in the jaw. 

***

“Someone’s arm better be hanging off,” growls their father when he pulls up to the curb they’re huddled next to and flings the car door open. Luke wordlessly holds out the braces to him. “The fuck is that?” 

“Jack’s braces,” mumbles Quinn, with a guilty glance at the unhappy figure hunched on the other side of the lot. 

“Jack has braces?” Sometimes Luke thinks he could grow a tail and his dad wouldn’t notice unless it affected his play. Last week he had to check Quinn’s date of birth so he could fill out some paperwork.

“He doesn’t anymore, Dad,” Luke pipes up. 

“Jack! Get over here!” he bellows. He takes the braces from Luke’s hand, holding them up for a better view. “These things just click back into place or what?” Jack stomps over, scowling and sniffing. He won’t even look at Quinn, and when Quinn tries to reach out his hand Jack smacks it away viciously. 

“Fuck off.”

Their dad gets a handful of Jack’s jersey and tries to prise his mouth open like he’s a dog that’s eaten something bad. “Oww", whines Jack, trying to twist out of his grip. “You’re hurting me!”

“Open. Up.” Their dad grunts, trying to push the braces back across Jack’s front teeth with one hand, and hold him still with the other. 

“Dad, no! Stop!” Quinn pushes himself between them, trying to protect Jack from being force-fed a mouthful of metal. “You can’t do that! We have to go to the orthodontist.”

“The what?” he pants, temporarily letting go of Jack to turn the metal round, as if the reason he couldn’t fit them back on like Lego was that they were upside down. Jack immediately darts behind Quinn and Luke reaches up to swipe them out of their Dad’s hand. 

“Dad,” he says, more bravely than he feels. “I think you need to call Mom.”

The three of them huddle together on the backseat, trying to stay as quiet and inconspicuous as possible as their dad calls their mom for instruction. Luke finds a packet of half-eaten Reese’s pumpkins, no worse for being frozen and unfrozen a few times and settles in for the long-haul. Jack slumps sideways with his head in Quinn’s lap, playing with the strings of his sweatshirt and allowing Quinn to scratch behind his ear in apology.

She’s ominously silent all the way through the slightly edited version of what happened, not even interrupting to yell at Quinn. 

“So let me get this straight,” she says, after a pause. “You didn’t take your sons to their scheduled sports-activity but instead took yourself to golf and allowed said sons out unsupervised to publicly brawl, causing hundreds of dollars of dental bills?” 

“It was on the calendar! It was on the calendar Ellen!” 

“Well Jim Hughes, all I will say is thank God for Canadian healthcare.”

“They cover braces?” says his dad, perking up. He twists round to waggle his eyebrows at them, all looks like we got away with it.

“Oh no,” she says airily. “I meant for you four, when I’ve finished with you!”

[welikeimagines-andfandoms]

100 Random Prompts

1. “I fucking hate you, but I don’t hate fucking you”

2. "I get so hard when I'm around you. I've tried fucking other people and pumping my cock every night and yet my body craves you."

3. “How did you manage to hurt your hand this badly?” “Well I’ve never punched someone before, I didn’t realise how hard peoples faces are.”

4. “I love you and I hate you all at the same time.”

5. “Yeah, sometimes I get sad, but then I look into your beautiful eyes and it’s all better.”

6. “You like when I call you ‘princess’? Will you be my good little princess?”

7. “If you do this, I’ll show you my boobs”

8. “Has the fire revealed any secrets in the 15 straight minutes you’ve been staring at it?”

9. “Please don’t leave.”

10. “I’m here, it’s okay, no one will ever hurt you like that ever again”

11. “Guess we’re the only two idiots in the whole city stupid enough to go to a museum in the middle of a thunderstorm”

12. “You deserve to be looked after.”

13. “Give me a kiss, and everything will be alright.”

14. “I just want to die”

15. “We’ve got to hide!”

16. “Scream my name so everyone knows who fucks you this good”

17. "I'm sorry." "You have nothing to apologise for, darling.”

18. “Bend over, slut”

19. “Ned i postog a nin, ni bant” (When you lie beside me, I am complete)

20. *gets insulted* “aawww thank you.”

21. “Le i velethril nîn” (You are my love)

22. “A warrior out there, but in here, in this bedroom, you’re nothing but a little weak whore.”

23. “I just feel so drained.”

24. “What happened to you to make you so wise?”

25. “If I’m being mean to someone, I’m probably flirting.” “Is that why you’re always mean to (character)?”

26. “Thiol vae” (You look good)

27. “I just did it to make you jealous.”

28. “Stay nice and still for me, baby, just like that. Let me take care of you.”

29. “You know you sure do have a lot of teeth for someone so stupid.”

30. “They do realise I can understand what they’re saying, right?”

31. “Would you like to dance with me?” “only if you don’t get upset if I accidentally step on your foot”

32. “Fuck, I need you so bad!”

33. “I think it’s best I leave”

34. “I’ll never forget you.”

35. “How clever of an insult, and how quickly you thought of it. Very surprising for someone so dim witted.”

36. “I’m not afraid. Please touch me.”

37. “Of course you can stay.”

38. “I wish you well.”

39. “Come down here so I can kiss you!”

40. “Fuck, turn around for me, princess.”

41. “No gûn annin” (Bend over for me)

42. “You look so lovely on your knees, sweet boy.”

43. “You’re so pretty”

44. “What’s that?” “Trinket, I like trinkets”

45. “You deserve nice things”

46. “Our sweet girls pussy is so tight!"

47. “Take your shirt off!” “Why?!” “Distract them from the pain!”

48. “Darling I’m (hundreds/thousands) of years old, that isn’t vintage/old to me.”

49. “I’m doing this because I want to and not because you told me to”

50. “You belong here, in my arms, forever.”

51. “You lied to me”

52. “Borrow my jacket, keep it nice and warm for me”

53. “You look so divine when you dance.”

54. “You look lovely, Y/N.” “Please don’t lie or pity me so.”

55. “Le vaethor veleg” (You are a mighty warrior)

56. “Ni am gin anin lû hen?” (Can I be on top this time?)

57. “Stop fucking swearing”

58. “aran vuin” (Beloved king)

59. “I hope you don’t mind.”

60. "Those for me, sweet girl?" "Oh! It was gonna be a surprise but yes, yes they are."

61. “I love when you wear a skirt/dress, it’s so much easier to fuck you like this.”

62. “Life doesn’t feel so bad when I’m with you.”

63. “You don’t know a thing about me!”

64. “I failed them! They died and I failed them! It’s all my fault!”

65. “You’re such a little thing, and we can have you anyway we please.”

66. “Trust me, Y/N! (Character) likes you!” “Don’t lie to me!”

67. “Baby, tits arent supposed to be perky and perfect. They’re supposed to be soft and natural and beautiful like yours”

68. “I’m not your servant, I’m not your slave, but you could be mine if you like.”

69. “I know we don’t know each other very well but I’m really sick and I need you to pick me up from work, please.”

70. “It’s alright, my love, don’t be afraid, we’ll make it out together.”

71. “No, stay. You’re warm and soft”

72. “Trust me, I adore you.”

73. “Avo dharo!” (Don't stop!)

74. “You know I could kill you if I wanted to.” “Do it then, I really don’t care.”

75. “I might be little but I can still kick your ass”

76. “I just don’t know if I can do this anymore”

77. “Of course I will serve you, my prince/princess/king/queen/lord/lady.”

78. “You wouldn’t know anything about this (character), but it’s exhausting being this gorgeous, and I need a lot of sleep.”

79. “Its real cold tonight. You wanna come over and keep me nice and warm?”

80. “That sounded dirtier than I intended”

81. “You don’t have to be alright, you know”

82. “How can I love myself, when I’m so draining to everyone?”

83. “Please! I’ve been such a good boy/girl!”

84. “You just want to be used so fucking badly don’t you, sweet thing?”

85. “Please! I was a fool and I can not apologise enough! Please y/n…. Please….”

86. “Do you need a hug?”

87. “Come on, princess, hop on my back”

88. “What you makin’?” “Chocolate cake. You wanna help?”

89. “Don’t leave. Please?”

90. “Why do you always annoy me so much?” “Coz you’re sexy when you’re angry.”

91. “That’s better, isn’t it? You just needed to be filled with my cock”

92. “That’s the cutest sneeze I’ve ever heard.”

93. “Istog an challas perian maer” (You do know what hobbits are the right height for)

94. “Oh fuck, sweetheart”

95. “I’ll punch you in your stupid face!”

96. “Tonight I will be the powerful warrior, and you will be the tiny mortal beneath me. You will worship and praise me like the goddess I am.”

97. “Aaaaww! Aren’t you sweet!”

98. “Hey” “*flirting* Oh, heeeyy” “No! Absolutely not!”

99. “You don’t scare me.” “Yeh, but I bet I turn you on.”

100. “Are you going by to be good for me?” “Ye-yes.” “Good girl. If you do behave I’ll give you a reward.”

[dingochef]

Pairing: Jake "Hangman" Seresin x You (OFC)

Warnings: Swearing, Smut (MDNI 18+ Only), Angst with a Happy Ending, Stalking, P in V, oral (female and male receiving), Semi-public sex, light spanking,

Word Count: 1.8k

Summary: Life throws another curve ball at you and even after last night, Jake is there to help you, leaving you more confused than ever about him.

Masterlist

Chapter 11

Chapter 12: Cliche

Morning dawns and you see the sun entering your room with gritty eyes. Rolling over, you sigh in frustration, as much as your mind is weary with the betrayal of last night your body still has the edgy after effects of righteous anger on it. Deciding that a bike ride will help, you pick the most brutal and punishing route you can think of, straight up Mount Soledad.

At the top of you take a few minutes to rest on a bench and look over La Jolla and the Pacific Ocean and contemplate everything that's going through your mind right now. You sigh, your life was perfectly fine a week and a half ago and then this fucking guy came in like a laser guided missile and broken open the Ice Queen's heart. Every part of you screamed not to get in too deep, but you know that even after all the heartbreak everything you've experienced and then locked your heart away about yourself, there was a tiny spark of you that thought, maybe, just maybe that you'd find someone to go through this life with. There was definitely that possibility with Jake and that's what's hurting most right now, that tiny flicker of hope extinguished, you can take men doing stupid things. It's that possibility, that chance, being crushed that hurts the most.

Taking stock of your emotions you feel so frustrated and angry with Jake, with yourself, and with fucking Rooster. You look around and see that you're alone and you scream at the top of your lungs,

"God fucking damn it! Fuck you Jake Seresin!"

You wanted to feel cleansed and have some cathartic experience but all you feel is more pain and your throat is raw. You ride home knowing at least you'll be physically exhausted when you crawl into bed and hide from the world.

Pulling up to your house you walk your bike to the shed where you store it in the backyard. There is a bouquet of red roses in a vase on the front porch that you assume are from Jake. Rolling your eyes at the cliche you snap a picture with your phone and leave them where they are.

After a shower and some lunch you sit on your couch steadying your nerves to open up the text conversation with Jake's name on it.

Jake: Please don't run. I'm here waiting for you when and if you want to talk. I'll respect your choice and space. Know that I care for you deeply.

You snort at his text and send a picture of the roses.

You: You can come get your cliche as shit roses. It's gonna take a lot more to get back in my good graces you lying piece of shit. I don't give third chances, you asshole. Give them to the next trophy in your sick game.

You had hoped that an outburst would make you feel better, but it just makes you more tired. The phone pings back almost instantly.

Jake: Elsa, when I said I was giving you space I meant it. I didn't send those to you.

Confusion bolts through your brain, and you run out to the porch and pull the card out from under the vase and read:

My Dearest Elsa,

I want you to know that my love for you is eternal and as beautiful as these roses. Your beauty outshines even the brightest stars.

Yours forever,

Bill

You drop the card like it's 3,000 degrees and a sick feeling immediately comes to your stomach and bile rises in your throat. Bill has been here, he's figured out where you live and it feels so violating and invasive. You frantically scan around your neighborhood to see if you can spot Bill anywhere.

You grab the card and step back inside, locking your door immediately and double checking the back door and all your windows.

Your phone dings again.

Jake: Elsa, are you okay? Just let me know that you're safe and I'll let you be.

You: They're from Creepy Bill from the cycling group.

Jake: Can I call you?

You: Yes.

Your phone rings immediately and Jake is talking rapidly as soon as you answer,

"Elsa I understand that I'm the last person you want to talk to or ever see again and I respect that. I just need to know you're safe. I'm going to ask you a few questions, okay?"

"Yeah, that's okay," you reply, your voice has more tremble to it than you expected.

"Do you feel safe right now?"

"Yes, I've locked the doors and double checked the windows.".

"Do you have a security system at your house?"

"No, I've never needed one."

"This is a situation where you need one. I'm going to text you the name and number of a friend that installs them. He will be over today if you want to install a system."

"Okay," you are starting to come undone with a spike of terror and just hearing Jake's voice. The tears start to well up.

"You can go to the police station today and file a restraining order against Bill. You don't have to wait till tomorrow. Is there anyone who can go with you? "

"Yes, I think Beth can come with me."

"I'm going to let you go now so I can call my buddy about the security system. Just know that if you need anything from me I'll be there as fast as I can."

The way he says anything is plaintive and sad and it breaks your heart.

"Okay, Jake, goodbye."

Contact info for a home security firm comes through via text. You call Beth and tell her about the situation and she agrees to come over immediately.

You wait a few minutes and call the home security firm, a deep voice answers,

"Hello, this is Mark of Advanced Home Security. How can I help you?"

"Hi, my name is Elsa Matthews and I got your info from Jake Seresin and he said you could install a system at my house today."

"Yup, Hangman just gave me a call and explained the situation. I can be there in about 30 minutes if that works for you, ma'am."

"That'll work," you give him your address and phone number and wait for the calvary to show up.

Millie from the cycling group is your next call to let her know things have escalated and you need Bill's info for a restraining order. She says she's got it on a liability waiver and will send you a picture with it within five minutes.

Beth arrives first and gives you a soul crushing hug. The undeniable love radiating from her breaks the dam that's been holding everything in. You let her know everything and you eventually end up on the couch with your head in her lap as she gently strokes your hair. There's a knock at the door and you sit bolt upright as your heart begins to race. Beth and you tentatively approach the door and ask,

"Who is it?"

A booming voice calls back,

"Mark Anderson of Advanced Security Systems, I'm a friend of Hangman's."

You let out the breath you didn't know you've been holding. You open the door and see a giant hulk of a man filling your doorway, he reaches out a hand, which dwarfs yours, to shake yours,

"Elsa, I hear you need a security system and you need it quick."

"Yes. Come in and you can look around and see what you recommend."

The next half hour is spent discussing the type of system he'll install and some outside features he's going to install like motion detection lights, cameras, etc.

"That sounds good, can I get an estimate of what all of that will cost?" you ask.

Mark scoffs and waves your question away.

"No cost, it's repaying a debt to Hangman."

Your cynical tongue is quicker than you like and you ask,

"Did you lose a bet?"

Mark laughs as he starts to unpack his tools and says,

"Not a bet, but I do owe a lot to Hangman. He saved my life in Afghanistan. Same night I got this piece of hardware."

He pulls up his right pant leg and taps a prosthetic leg with his screwdriver.

"Hangman and I were on patrol when we got winged by some enemy fire from the ground. I was his WSO. We had to ditch in the middle of the desert near the Iranian border. The good news was that we were only 20 miles from a NATO outpost, the bad news was that the missile hit launched a whole bunch of shrapnel into my leg and left me unable to walk. I was expecting Hangman to follow protocol and head out for help alone after he stabilized me and stashed me somewhere safe. But if you know Hangman, rules aren't his thing. That motherfucker carried me piggy back style 20 miles through the desert in the night to get to that outpost."

You add this to all you know about Jake and you just feel even more confused. You can't reconcile how all the different pieces of Jake fit together.

Mark paused for a moment, "Well, thanks for listening to an old man's war stories. I should be done in about 3 hours with the installation."

Beth and you go to the closest police station and file the paperwork. The officer said that Bill would be served with the order within 24 hours and that they would add your block to their routine patrols.

By the time Beth and you get back to your house Mark is almost done. He walks you through the system and gives you his cell number if you need anything.

After you convince Beth that you'll be fine and you'll sleep with the panic button and call if you need anything it's nearly 11 pm.

You check your phone and see one last message from Jake.

Jake: Bill won't be bothering you anymore. Take care, El.

@starswholistenanddreamsanswered

You crawl into bed and toss and turn for a while. All the pieces of Jake, of Hangman, float in your mind. You turn them over and over to see how they all fit together, how they fit with you. How the sweet, funny, respectful man fits with the asshole who bet on his ability to fuck you. They're such opposite ends of the spectrum that it taxes your brain to figure out who Jake is and more importantly, how you feel about him. After all he has done today, you know that he cares for you and somewhere in the darkness that little ember of hope, of possibility flickers back to life that maybe this isn't the end of you and Jake.

Chapter 13

@mayhemmanaged

@callmemana

@dempy

@hangmanscoming

@lanie-k

@callsign-viper

@senjoritanana

@djs8891

@atarmychick007

@memoriesat30

[ddymarie]

"Y/n~"

Shindo x blk reader

❅ a.n: omg this is new character I wanted to write about... Maybe one day I'll rewrite this. I'm thankful for the love you guys have shown for the small series 1:25✨

❅ warning: fem receiving, I missed a lot nothing like scat is included though. (Not proofread)

❅

'... Fuck'

He thought while holding his head in his hands

Shindo glanced down at his sweaty body. Dick hard in his hand . Stroking it thinking about you...

❅

It was now 12:30 in the afternoon

FUCK I'M RUNNING LATE

I panicked while rushing to the shower to them get out and get ready for the rest of the day. It's 1:00 pm now. "Shit, Shit, shit" I winced. I'm late I'm late I'm late was all I could repeat in my head as I jump in a car and drive off to the main building of S.T.A.R.S head quarters. I had an important business meeting with the top 50 pros. I no. 6 ofc. I rushed to the building entrance busting through the doors while checking my appearance in every door reflection I caught ' I look presentable' I thought ' but late' I then frowned. Once I approached the the conference halls doors of slowly opened one and slipped through. Almost everyone there glanced back at me as I acted natural, soothing the wrinkles out of my attire. I sat. Scanning the table with my eyes. I looked around nervously as I made eye contact with red riot. He smirked at me and winked... His signature greeting. I smiled back.

"Now, that everyone is here we may begin" the gentleman in the front spoke side eying me. I straightened my back keeping my composure after being subbed.

About 2 hours and 20 minutes pass. Of discussing how we choose to establish our plans and making them actions. Some pro hero's recommend opening more schools building more parks. Doing charity events that donate money and living supplies for school pantries that we would like to open. Lunches and shelters for the homeless, things like that. We were all split up into groups. Groups of 5. The the hero's in the 50's were grouped, same for the thirties and 40's 20's and the 10's. My group included, shindo yo.... of course.

"I say-" gosh this is annoying I was being cut off left and right... Especially being the only girl here... Which is boring I know. But I personally feel like my opinion will definitely make a great innovation to their original plan of spliting into 5 groups of 2.

"Y/n, you and shindo create and advertise , while updating the other pros on what were doing" midoriya said

"My group will handle the blueprints and everything else" he stated while looking at his men.

Me and shindo made eye contact and he smirked as I looked away. I felt submissive to him . The tension was definitely there but went unnoticeable by the filtered eyes of others

Me and shindo headed toward my agency because it was bigger. And I had empty offices that could be put to use.

" I respect you , a lot" shindo spoke

" oh, thank you! " I glanced In his direction

" no, like i respect you, you got this hero shit by its pinky toe. The only female in currently in the top 10 . Already branded yourself . Created history... That shit is admiring " I peeped how he walked near me as he spoke. I couldn't help but blush at his praise. We stood in front of my agency I typed in my code and scanned my key card. Because it was after hours meaning it wasn't free walk in anymore. I we walked in and headed straight for my office and that's where we got to planning.

❅

The next day we were sent an email. With details on what were supposed to be advertising. I wrote down my plans about how I was gonna advertise. Artist were already hired to create them. I decided to email shindo at around 8 to call him in before I submitted anything. It was now 5 am and I had on nothing out of the ordinary except my hero costume. I decided to place an order for brunch foods for me and shindo to snack on. I checked emails. Interacted with the media and my fans. I opened my agency to the public at around 10. Not the whole agency but the historical half of it. The mini stores that included the lastest magazine's and hero merch.Libraries on the world history. It was now 8 am on the dot when shindo walked in my office. I greeted him and allowed him to make himself at home before I settled down again and got to explaing my plan 2 minutes later I then spoke

"I already have tsu and cyber on the design for the advertisements. With a deadline. All they are waiting for this 'go' but I wanted to hear what you had in mind" I spoke.

" I had the same ideas as a matter of a fact, I was planning on waiting. And I mean waiting as once they start building. We can get documentation of it including pictures. But instead of a flyer why not a booklet? Our planned charity event is already in action... Because I submitted it .and being that it's open to the public why now do our speech then while passing out the booklets? Because by then the new park will be built ." he spoke leaving me stunned. A charity event has already been planned? The park blue prints already finished and is being built .damn I feel behind.

"oh okay wow" we both laughed

" anyone ever told you to have a contagious smile?" he said before licking his lips. "you know y/n that rumor got around pretty quick you know the one about us having a *cough, * affair," he said. " yea I know I'm sorry -" I started to apologize before quickly being cut off with an kiss. As we parted I started at him wide eyed. " ah shit I'm sorry," he was now apologizing only to be cut off with a kiss. Right then and there I had managed to lock my office door and dimmed the lights enough for only our silhouette to be present. We both began to quickly undress. I sat on my desk hot and wet. Lips still ravishing each other's.

"Mmphf* shindo can we move a little faster"

He moaned in approval. Hooking my leg over his arm. Carefully sliding my panties to the side. He then slid his middle and ring finger up from my slit to clit. Groaning from the feeling of how wet I had gotten from what he assumed to be just his mere kiss. Nah

"Fuck i been waiting to taste this" he said

I brought his soaked finger up gl his mouth before licking them clean getting a taste of me. A whine had erupted from me. As he slid his finger inside of me on my to remove it to taste me again. "Oh my god" he moved before throwing himself on his knees and eating me out. Tongue licking me up and down. Before sucking on my clit. I moaned " fuck, just like that" it was like he knew my body. It felt amazing. " he slid his already soaked fingers in my hole. Fingering me thrusting his fingers in and out before pulling away to spit on my clit and suck on me again. He began to finger me faster curling his fingers right on that spot. Sucking my clit harder than before as a reward for the moans I granted him. I he pasued his hot mouth leaving my clit leaving me sweating. He leaned his head right in front of my slit. When I then began squirting. Smirking up at me as I soaked his face. "Ah, good girl" he praised.

He already knew how to make me squirt. It's like he studied my self-pleasing sessions after work. He got up lifting my other leg up creating a 'v' before bending forward and flicking his tongue over my clit at a fast vibrating pace... VIBRATING? HE WAS USING HIS QUIRK ON ME

I was dazed. Head against my cold hard desk. " ah~ " I moaned I was gonna cum

" fuckkkk, I'm gonna cum "

And just then he sped up his flicks...

Humping his face as I came over it. Gripping his hair whining loudly. But not load enough to be heard by any ear outside the room. He lifted himself up off his knees. Face covered with a mixture of my cum on his lips, my slick.

Licking his lips clean. He smirked before taking his sweater off the chair and wiping my sweat off me.

" get up, go pee" he smirked slapping my pussy. I obeyed and did my business

❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅❅

Heyy I haven't uploaded in a while this is a shindo yo fic that has been sitting in my drafts... 😍

[stepswowdsen]

【KagePro】 MCA: Episode 10 - Saeru's First Appearance + KuroEne Scenario Ideas (NSFW) 🖤💙🐍🐇

(CW: NSFW mentions under the cut)

My MCA reaction rambles are SFW, but I put NSFW KuroEne scenario ideas under the cut, so heads up for that. It's mainly cuz I wanted the video with his voice here, as context for my ideas.

BITCHES WHEN. SNAKE OF CLEARING EYES. AKLDSKSDKLKLSDKLSD (BITES STICK) /POS

I'M BITCHES

Just copied these from my Notion rambles doc ✌️

Kuroha/Saeru has a hot ass voice tbh but MCA is literally so embarrassing to look at, that I'm just gonna pull up Sidu's arts of him on the side to lessen the tonal whiplash.

Like the voice fits him perfectly but MCA is just so fucking ugly

Haruka, Konoha, and Kuroha are all completely different and separate characters, but they're all voiced by the same VA, Mamoru Miyano. The perfect pick for Ene's bfs!!! All three of them 🥰💞

Kuroha has a good VA at least so I can run with that but they blew it on a terrible anime

Me every single episode: So when is Kuroha going to show up

Cuz I watched MCA while it was airing. Pretty sure I was 12 at the time.

Ok but I love the emphasis on the -SSS syllables. SSSSS 🐍

“Subarashii!” (”How wonderful!!!”) mfs are SOOO my type. One of my fave cat son types. Douman and Kuroha both count as these. They’re both Subarashii mfs

I remember kid me was so fucking mad that it took 10 out of 12 episodes for my fave to show up like WTF

AND IT'S NOT EVEN HIM WHEN HE'S IN KONOHA'S BODY ADSKKLSDKLSDLK

IT'S HIM IN SNAKE FORM. ALSO THE SNAKE FORM SHOULD'VE BEEN GIANT LIKE COME ON MAN

They couldn't have had him cameo in the background earlier at least??? SMH. AND THIS SCENE IS ONLY 2 MINUTES

This anime must've been rushed to hell

AND MCA LOOKS LIKE ASS. THE ART STYLE IS SO UGLY COMPARED TO SIDU'S GORGEOUS ART STYLE??? The only thing uglier than it is the ROTRK anime imo (at least of the series I'm into that I've seen)

Wish they could've imitated Sidu's style

At least my fave has a good voice actor

Kuroha/Saeru (VA: Miyano Mamoru)

Miyano Mamoru is so good at voicing insane charas LMAO. Perfect fit actually.

Horrific realization: Mekakucity Actors (MCA), the shitty KagePro anime, is still animated better than the (also shitty) ROTRK anime

Me: Horrific realization: Mekakucity Actors (MCA), the shitty KagePro anime adaptation, is still animated better than the ROTRK anime

A/S/J: 😭

Me: The only thing that'd top the KagePro anime in uglyness is the ROTRK anime imo LMFAO /neg

MCA's art style is SOOO ugly

Kid me: Bruh it took 10 episodes (out of 12 in total) of this stupid anime for Kuroha to show up

Fuck this gay earth!!! /j

A: KagePro tends to be a bit more underground since there's a barrier to entry with the bad anime LOL

Me: Right LMAO like MCA's art style is ugly as fuck to me and yet MCA still looks better than the ROTRK anime, like that is so embarrassing for real

A: 😭

Also why is this place just straight up hell. Like why is it just being tied to a pillar for eternity. Ig it's how the Kagerou Daze appears to Azami, since it appears differently for different people, but the whole thing is so laughably animated.

I'm sorry but Saeru's snake form should've been fucking GIANT bro like that would've been way more badass. Like big enough to reach up to the ceiling of a normal room! Actually, now that I think about it, if you compare the size of Saeru to Azami, he's really big actually. Like he's big enough as a snake to wrap around a whole ass boulder.

But I was imagining his snake form to be fucking giant like the Opening Eyes Snake (Me ga Sameru Hebi) that appeared in front of Takane/Ene when she first became Ene.

Like I was literally expecting him to be the same size as Yamata no Orochi in Japanese mythology. Though tbf he can probably change his size so I can still run with my HC

...

At least my faves have a good voice actor, but at what cost, this anime looks like ASS

Haruka, Konoha, and Kuroha are all voiced by Mamoru Miyano

Ene's Haruka lookalike harem /lh /j

The only thing that'll surpass Mekakucity Actors (MCA) the shitty KagePro anime in uglyness is the ROTRK anime imo

KUROHA ONLY SHOWING UP IN THE LAST EPISODE??? F U!!!

This anime is an LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

This anime looks like garbage LMAO /neg

And MCA's art style is so fucking ugly. The only thing uglier than it is the ROTRK anime imo. MCA's OST is probably the best thing we got out of it cuz we got human covers of certain KagePro songs

And somehow the ROTRK anime is even uglier than MCA. Like GOD how do you look worse than Mekakucity Actors (MCA)

At least MCA is actually moving unlike the ROTRK anime which feels more like a Powerpoint/Slide show cuz things BARELY MOVE

KagePro is my favourite thing related to Vocaloid and the anime has been botched HARD like it really did my favourite Vocaloid series so dirty. I really do hope we get the KagePro Reload anime but it's still in copyright hell. I want a proper KagePro anime one day.

Honestly KagePro's storyline would work GREAT as a VN. I would love a KagePro VN.

I wish MCA at least imitated Sidu's art style cuz MCA's art style is sooo ugly

I hate that MCA (KagePro anime) is so fucking ugly 😭

Ene looks SOOOO cute in Sidu's arts but MCA's art style is so fucking ugly

Ene, I am enduring this anime (again) for you and your 3 slay bfs

Though I do enjoy MCA's covers of KagePro songs!!!

KuroEne Scenario Idea (NSFW)

(CW: NSFW~ISH TEXT)

Ok so with the video of his voice up above in the post, I wanted to bring up my KuroEne scenario ideas

Ok I'm gonna make a NSFW~ish comment but uh with this mf being like THIS. With the whole, "Yes… That expression of yours… It's wonderful! Lovely, indeed, isn't that right?"

I was imagining a scenario where KuroEne are being intimate and Ene feels tears pricking her eyes from the pleasure, and Kuroha notices and just leans in and licks up the trail running down her face.

(He does this with drool and with their fluids after they finish, too)

When they finish, Kuroha reaches out and runs his finger through the mixture of their fluids and teasingly brings it up to his mouth to taste, both out of curiosity and because he wants to see Ene's flustered reactions, and Ene goes like, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?!? THAT'S DIRTY!?" ( ˶°ㅁ°) !!

And Kuroha just goes like, "Don't be so surprised~ I want to savour this, after all."

Sadistic parasitic snake bf

Kuroha sings a lullaby to Ene

The softer tones of his voice are so nice. Like this is what I had in mind with my scenario from before where Kuroha sings a lullaby to Ene and whispers into her headphones (ears)

Other Rambles

I just had a realization tho. In the KagePro manga, Saeru tells Azami that she would've never gotten betrayed if she didn't get involved with humans in the first place, and she asserts that her late husband Tsukihiko never betrayed her. Saeru then goes like, "Well, it matters little now, does it?"

Like it just made me think about in the context of a Kuroha ship AU, he feels confident and "secure" because he is ultimately the one in control in their relationship, and the one that holds power (ie. power over knowledge, and power in physical strength)

Like the power imbalance is overwhelmingly in his favour.

The fact that the power imbalance exists isn't inherently a bad thing, it just means you have to tread carefully with depicting his ships.

With KuroEne, I try to balance out the relationship as much as possible by making Ene more assertive and dominant in the ship too. I think it'd be fun for them to switch bedroom roles to spice up their "games" (trysts)

He directly manipulates the outcomes of events in Routes. And due to the nature of the body he uses (Konoha's body), there's no way his partner would be able to overthrow him or backstab him or whatever.

I was just thinking about this but for Kuroha, Ene is the type that is REALLY easy to read and be able to tell or have an idea of what she’s thinking, especially via her expressions. Like she really is the type whose heart ends up showing on her sleeve and giving her away

Just in general, Marry, strengthened by more Snakes, is the only one that would actually be able to do something to him physically, since she is the Master and Queen of all the Eye Ability Snakes.

...

Context

Since I showed a scene from MCA, I'll just sum this up quickly in case any of my non-KagePro mutuals need it

In the very beginning, the Snake of Clearing Eyes (Saeru) is created out of the medusa, Azami's first and strongest desire to understand who she was. Saeru exists even before the creation of the world.

The Snake of Combining Eyes (the Queen Snake) is created by Azami's desire to have a place to understand who she is. Thus, at the beginning of every new Route, Azami ends up (unintentionally) creating the world with Combining Eyes.

At some point, she ends up settling down and having a family with her husband Tsukihiko, and has a half-Medusa, half-human child, Shion. Saeru views Azami's love for her family as foolish.

Saeru detests the world for changing Azami's wish from wanting to know who she was, to wanting to be with her family forever, so it devises a scheme to "destroy" and rewind the world.

Because once Azami developed a strong love for her family, Saeru, as her servant, and her original wish (the one that created him in the first place), were left behind and forgotten.

He felt that the desire that gave his life meaning was being thrown away and also worried that he'd lose his sentience if that desire faded away. When Azami despaired over outliving her family, Saeru approached Azami with the proposal to create the Kagerou Daze, a never-ending world so that she and her family could live in.

Azami proposed the idea to her family, but eventually ends up going into the Kagerou Daze alone after her family was targeted. She believed she was bringing misfortune to her family cuz humans inherently feared her as a Medusa

Centuries later, Azami witnesses her daughter Shion and granddaughter Marry's deaths by humans in the real world, and orders the Kagerou Daze to swallow them up to save their lives. Both Marry and Shion are only compatible with the Queen Snake, so she can only save one of them.

She gives Marry the Snake of Combining Eyes (Queen Snake) so she could return to the real world, but loses control of the Kagerou Daze after doing this since the Queen Snake was needed to control the Kagerou Daze and control all other snakes.

So now the Kagerou Daze repeats her last order - swallow them up and give them new life. It will swallow anyone who dies on August 15th, the same day that Shion and Marry died.

All of this aligns with what Saeru wanted - he tricked her into trapping herself into the Kagerou Daze, a place where time doesn't flow. Azami's Kagerou Daze basically appears as hell to her.

[dat-carovieh]

Ah yeah great experience getting home from my parents today., Usually would take 5 hours and one switch of trains, took nine hours and 5 changes. Partly it was their fault and partly.... I guess my body's fault. So I was planning to go to a concert today in Osnabrück. Kinda half way between Berlin and Duisburg. Great, it's of course longer, but fits well. Booked a train from Berlin to there. Was planning to stay at a hotel with a friend and take regional trains, which I already have a month pass for tomorrow. Would take a while but sure, no issues, I would leave whenever.

Well I got sick. Like not super bad, I think I will see a doctor tomorrow, too much to go to the concert. But I have the ticket. It's a physical ticket. So either it goes to wasate or I go to Osnabrüclk, which is now with wanting to go home a detour. But whatever not a big thing. At 8:54 I get into the S-Bahn to the trainstation to take the IC, I get on. We start to move, we move slow. We arrive Berlin main station. We are standing. We are told the train is broken, we need to leave. Next option, a train to Hannover. Well I would have needed to take a train going through Hannover anyway, it's half an hour later, I get on the train and figure, I will figure something out in Hannover.

I arrive in Hannover. The train was almost on time. Like maybe 3 minutes late. Which ist absolutely on time for Deutsche Bahn. I get off, I check my App. It's 45 minutes for the next train to Osnabrück. I briefely consider going straight home but it's just a bit of a detour, it will be fine, I wanna get the ticket sold and I wanna see my friend at least for a moment.

It's a regional train, slow, stops at every small town, no room for my huge suitcase, I hold it between my legs. I have downloaded a tatort episode with my mobile data, transferred it to my Laptp which I'm now balancing on top of my suitcase.

I would have 8 minutes to hug my friend, give her the ticket and get from platform 4 to platform 12, already not really optimistic. Trains there home leave once an hour. My train arrives 3 minutes after my connecting train leaves. We go to McDonalds. I'm still sick and have not slept well at my paren't house and christmas is fucking exhausting. I get tea. It's 2,69, surprisingly cheap. I'm downloading another tatort episode. I have now downloaded over 1,5GB today, it's fine, the month is almost over.

The next train is on time. weird thing to happen but I take it. I find a place to sit and put my suitcase under the seat, it sticks out. A huge family with a lot of childrern find the seats next to me to sit. They're loud, they run around. I'm still sick. I finisch my Tatort episode. I get inspired and write 700 words of a fic. I'm pressed into the corner, because the children are jumping around. I'm tired, I arrive in Essen, last time changing trains, my connecting train is late, I take an S-Bahn, it takes a little longer, it's only 5 minutes late. I gat off the train at 6pm.

I'm home now. My friend sold my Ticket, I will gop see my docotor tomorrow, hopefully.

[beck-a-leck]

I'm gonna vent for a hot minute about work frustrations. I just need to shout into the void.

Feel more than free to ignore this.

🙃🙃🙃

So.

I got a new job. I am leaving my current job on May 12. I have, for the last 6 years, been the primary analyst for about a dozen titrations, most of which were only run a couple times a year, but 5 of them are high volume tests.

I have been telling my manager, for Years at this point, that it is important we get back ups trained in my big methods. For times when I go on vacation, take a work trip, get sick, or find a new job. My manager continued to drag her feet and hem and haw about who should be trained on what. A few times I got someone trained, and then they left a month later. And more than once the available people were just bumblefucking incompetent and couldn't grasp the goddamned basic Follow the Recpie steps of the methods.

It is now officially Panic Train crunch time. I have 5 full working days left here before I leave forever.

I have spent every goddamned day this week, and a good portion of last week trying to train one (1) person on a single basic ass test method.

She is:

1. Already technically trained on the method, this is a refresher for something she hasn't done in 7 years

2. Someone who has been in our work group longer than I have and has, along with everyone else, had to use the same goddamned electronic notebooking program we all have been using for the last 2 years.

You will NEVER GUESS what she doesn't know how to fucking use! The gmp notebooking program that she has been using for all of her other work!

I will give her all of the allowances for refreshing herself on a method she hasn't done in almost a decade. I will give her all of the allowances for the method-specific quirks of the notebooking software.

We have, over the last 4 months, made an effort to regularly shadow-train-supervised run on this method. She should get this by now. We've done intensive training, all hands on for her, over the last week. And I am STILL having to coach her on software basics and it it driving me absolutely Bananas.

And I'm getting testy about it because we are officially out of leisure time and I need to cram in 6 methods' worth of training over 2 weeks and I don't have time to be nice about things anymore. I've repeated myself 500 times we don't have fucking time for me to be nice.

And the person I'm training is stressed out and she doesn't even WANT to do this, but she has to. Alongside all of her other work so she can train my replacement in a few weeks. So she's being extra reticent about it all.

Plus I have to train other people on other methods. And there is literally no fucking time for people to be bumblefucking their way through goddamned lab work basics that I Shouldn't need to be teaching them at this point but here we are!

I am also, on top of everything else, trying to wrote up comprehensive step-by-step guides for How to work the Titrator Softwares, to leave something of my 7+years of experience behind for others. I am doing this At The Request of the people I am training. I spent 4 hours putting together one guide already. With pictures. And sent it to her days before we were supposed to start training. So she would have time to read it and study (again AT HER REQUEST) AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN LOOK AT IT ONCE.

I am losing my goddamned mind. I am stressed out. I am not sleeping well. I am busy beyond all reason, and there is just too much bullshit for me to handle with a smile on my face.

And I know it's not fair at all for me to expect someone to immediately pick up on everything I have spent 40hrs/week for the last 7+ years doing flawlessly. But we are so far beyond "this is the learning curve" to "this is straight up reticent incompetence" and I can't fucking fix that. Like this is sink or swim crunch time and I CANNOT STILL be holding people's hands as they stand on the top step of the pool.

The only thing keeping my hubris in check right now is the fact that I know for sure I will be the person bumblefucking my way through a new lab and a new set of methods on a few weeks, and my trainers will likely be shouting into the void about me too.

[parkitaco]

You mentioning you forgot about a fic you wrote made me giggle so i thought it would be fun to name my favorite stories of your and see if there are any others you’ve forgotten about 😂 my favorites in no particular order:

you were bigger than the whole sky (except this one, this is my absolute favorite story of yours and is easily in my list of top 10 fics i’ve ever read)

meet me in the afterglow

if the world was ending

the gaps and the silence

would it really kill you if we kissed

smoke signals

you had me for a minute there

can i ask you a question (i actually imagine this as a sequel to Undertow by beansie in a way lol)

that funny feeling

God i thank you so much for your gifts and stories parker. You’re such a talented writer

ohh my goodness first off thank you so much?? i'm so glad you like my stories <33

you were bigger than the whole sky - my baby my brainchild the scariest thing i've ever done (hyperbole but still)

meet me in the afterglow - this one i haven't reread in Months bc every time i do i see like fifty ways i could have written it better but. thank u for reading and appreciating it anyway <33

if the world was ending - ok actually i Did forget this one existed. mainly bc it was word vomit that i wrote in like an hour tops, posted, and never looked back but !! yay!!

the gaps and the silence - my Other baby brainchild literally fifty percent pre s4 byler dynamic and fifty percent Oh God Oh Fuck My Emotions. i didn't expect it to read all that well or coherent or anything but apparently people like my deranged emotional word vomit

would it really kill you if we kissed - yes i remember this one but Barely. that one was chaos and i rearranged all the scenes like 12 times but. here we are

smoke signals - sad mike wheeler my beloved. and also me fr

you had me for a minute there - literally the most ooc thing i've ever written but also so so fun to write

can i ask you a question - sort of like the gaps in the silence in that i was like. ok let's pick apart byler's relationship under a microscope. duffers let them talk through it bastards. (and undertow sequel are you kidding?? as if i could ever match the genius that is @byeler beansie truly the fic author of all time)

that funny feeling - ok this one i am proud of. worked on this for like two days straight tried so so hard to get the idiot mike internal dialogue right and if i'm allowed to brag about myself for a second i would say i kinda nailed it actually

thank u for reminding me of these!! i hadn't Forgotten per se but a lot of these are old and i'd left them in the back of my brain and it's crazy to me that there are people still out there appreciating them when i've like. not moved on but moved forward yknow??

[crazyintheeast]

I posted 16,005 times in 2022

219 posts created (1%)

15,786 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@agentsweetdreams

@fluent-in-lesbianism

@ukulelekatie

@fuck-yeah-dylan

@whentherestrouble

I tagged 1,001 of my posts in 2022

#warrior nun - 189 posts

#avatrice - 171 posts

#scylla ramshorn - 37 posts

#sister beatrice - 35 posts

#virginia gardner - 33 posts

#the wilds - 32 posts

#ava silva - 31 posts

#raylla - 30 posts

#motherland fort salem - 30 posts

#bobbie draper - 29 posts

Longest Tag: 107 characters

#congratulations. it took you nearly ten years to see what anyone with common sense could see from the start

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

1,072 notes - Posted November 5, 2022

#4

Imagine Ava proposing to Beatrice with an engagement ring that has a divinuim stone in it so it glows every time Ava is near. Both Beatrice and Ava think it's super romantic and nobody has the heart to tell them that to people not familiar with divnium this looks as if Ava put a cheap LED light on a ring. And then one day Beatrice's mother sees it and for the first time in her life she finds something even more offensive then her daughter's homosexuality. Tacky jewelry!?!? Completely unacceptable

1,306 notes - Posted November 12, 2022

#3

So here is the idea. A Xena reboot but there is a twist. The pilot starts and it's Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor having a cute lunch date in present time. Suddenly they start reminiscing about the good old days and bham. The entire first episode of Xena starts airing. And that's the entire concept of the the reboot. Every episode opens up with an immortal married Xena and Gabrielle in present time doing cute couple things for two minutes as an excuse to remember something and we just go straight to airing an old Xena episode. Completely unchanged except for one thing. Kevin Sorbo is digitally removed from all episodes and replaced with Charlize Theron

2,735 notes - Posted June 9, 2022

#2

I feel like we don't talk enough about just how amazing Ava and Beatrice story line has been. Ava is a deeply deeply traumatized person. She has spent her whole life being essentially a prisoner who suffered daily abuse. She had no agency, no freedom just a vile old woman telling her all the time how she is broken, how she is a burden. The only friend she had was a child himself. The squatters she had were nice but that's just what they were nice. And the boy was hot but it was blatantly obvious that as far as Ava was concerned it was just about sex and adventure But then came Beatrice and the first thing she did was call Ava out in her bullshit but it was not done in a malicious way and I feel that Ava could feel the enormous difference between Beatrice calling her out and the vile nun who abused her her entire life. And then this fucking scene, Ava was having a full on breakdown and instantly sought comfort and Beatrice was there. Quite likely the only person who has hugged Ava and offered her real comfort for more then a decade. And then it just got more and more intense as Beatrice just kept caring, kept supporting Ava. And also kept her calling her out which I think is something Ava really appreciates because she can she that Beatrice is doing it because she believes in Ava not because she wants to hurt her But the effect is not just one sided. Look at Beatrice reaction in this gif. How stunned she is that someone is seeking comfort in her. We don't know much about her past but we know enough to form a reasonable theory. Look at the very first episode and how Mary treated Beatrice, generally how Beatrice acts with her Sister Nuns. She is friendly but you can feel the distance and based on her breakdown it's clear that her parents were deeply homophobic and knowing how cruel kids can be it's quite likely that she was shunned not only at home but in school as well making her closed, always keeping her distance so she won't get hurt again. And then comes this adorable idiot who pretty much burst through her walls, who sees her for what she is and still calls her beautiful instead of shunning her How could they not fall for each other?

3,379 notes - Posted November 7, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Supergirl writers: A surprising amount of people ship Kara and Lena . I suppose we could give them some more scenes together. Strictly friendship of course but still enough to keep those shippers on the hook

Pitch Perfect writers : A crazy amount of people ship Beca and Chloe . Let’s put a few comedic scenes of them to keep them on the hook

Warrior Nun writers : A lot of people ship Ava and Beatrice so we are thinking … let’s go hard for it in season 2 . I am thinking …. . Ava and Beatrice are roommates working in a bar together . We will start with them pining for each other and being insanely jealous whenever they see someone else speaking with them . Also of course we will have them just be happy and dancing together and being so lost in each other’s eyes you could clearly see the unspoken love . Now for episode two …..

3,817 notes - Posted November 10, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[nathank77]

4/13/24

12:28 a.m

So I'm still worried that I was percribed a placebo for Xanax because I was percribed hydroxyzine to take at bedtime although it was for seasonal allergies.

I'm mostly worried bc my Xanax didn't have a sticker on top saying, "keep away from children." However today when I picked up my testosterone, it usually has that sticker too... and it didn't. Maybe they ran out of stickers? I'm not worried my testosterone is a placebo cause like my body can't make that shit, I still have all my, "parts," and I would start making estrogen. There is no way she would percribe me a placebo for testosterone...

Why do I think she would for Xanax?

1) Well it's a benzodiazepine. And I'm on 1MG nightly.. she has it written up as for anxiety instead of insomnia but maybe that's bc the sleep dose is .50MG. And anything above is for anxiety/other things. It might be just for insurnace coverage.

2) If you look up hydroxyzine for seasonal allergies- it's mostly perscibed for being itchy, or anxiety before procedures. Although it has been shown that daily use of it overtime can be very effective for seasonal allergies. And it's sedating so maybe she just doesn't want me taking it before I start my day bc it can sedate you.

3) Technically it's not illegal to percribe placebos. However it's looked at as unethical and can damage the relationship between client and physician. Although she wants to see me monthly bc she's clearly not just my PCP, she's also my Psychiatrist at this point.

4) I have black hairy tongue and shes aware of it and the pubmed article that said 10 days of discontinuing Xanax resolved the black hairy tongue. At my last appt I said the benefits outweighs the side effects and i have no interest in switching to another benzodiazepine.

-So I am going to do a test. I have my disability appt at 1:30 on Tuesday the 16th.

Usually I would take 1MG before an early appt by cutting one full pill in half, making a chunky half and then take the biggest half I have from the oldest bottle. The halves are always small so it's about 1MG in Total maybe .8 or .9MG between the two pieces.

- On the 16th instead of taking my chunky half with the biggest half from an older bottle I'm going to take 1MG straight from the potential placebo bottle.

1) I'm going to assume its a placebo. Which if it is that will make it not work. If it isnt effective since I'm used to .5MGS, 1MG I will know it's a placebo. As if it's a placebo I'll know it is. No doubt. Bc 1MG is very powerful in comparison to .5MG.

2) I'll still do my whole bedtime procedure and all that.

3) I will take it on my circadian rhythm too, like I have been. I'll actually take it 30 minutes earlier than normal. Normally i take it at 5 a.m. My last 1MG I took at 4:30 a.m..

I was fighting my eyes by 5:30 a.m. by 5:42 a.m I closed my eyes and I must have been gone by 6 a.m MAXIMUM.

Worst case it's a placebo and I don't sleep and I attend my disability appt and sleep the next night....

Best case its the real thing and I pass the fuck out, I can't mix half of it with the biggest half from the oldest bottle cause the other half could be responsible for knocking me out...

If I don't pass out I'll know damn well its a placebo. And I will contact her over email on mychart and say, ever since the last script, I've been struggling to fall asleep. I was passing out within 2 hours every night up until that last bottle and she will make sure I get the good stuff for the next script.

- I'm worried she thinks that hydroxyzine can replace my Xanax, bc it treats anxiety and can sedate you.

What's the likelihood it's a placebo?

It prob isn't but going into it with a higher dose than I usually take cause I'm actually taking .5MG a night, taking that 1MG is majorly different on a weekly basis. I feel it within 15 minutes as long as I take it on my circadian rhythm.

-either way the only way I'm going to calm down about the lack of a sticker, and the hydroxyzine script being percribed at bedtime which is actually common cause of its sedating effects, is by doing this test.

- if It is a placebo I will know cause I'm going into it saying it is, and it'll either incapacitate me or it'll be useless, the power of a placebo is not knowing its a placebo. That's the funny thing.

- I didn't believe Xanax would knock me out when I first started taking it. I thought I was a shoe in for sedative hypnotics. I figured benzodiazepine were weak baby shit for insomnia. Well I was WRONG. Benzodiazepines are LIFE SAVERS for Insomniacs.

So yea if it is a placebo it'll do jack off shit. I won't sleep that night, I'll make my disability appt and I will email her saying I haven't been sleeping and idk why bc the same dose of a benzodiazepine for years can work for insomnia, it's actually a miracle drug. I will bring up that I know the same dose remains effective long term and I don't know why I've been struggling to sleep bc I wasn't at all before. I'll play stupid but smart at the same time. So she will surely perscribe the real shit for my next batch on the 20th...

- I'm thankful i have so much more than I need bc if it was a placebo then I still have something to fall back on.

- the problem is I have so much Xanax that I haven't even cracked the bottle other than to count my pills. If I waited until I needed to Crack the bottle it would be by the 18th, two day before I "used" my whole script.

[itwas50yearsagotoday]

12/7/23: It was 50 years ago today, December 7th, 1973, Emerson, Lake & Palmer would release their fifth album Brain Salad Surgery. Of today's trio of Prog records, this one is by far the best IMO. Kind of EL&P's magnum opus (unless you count Tarkus... questionable) as the multi-part 'Karn Evil 9' stretches across both sides of the record. Honestly, if you really want to educate someone on Progressive Rock this may be one of the most representative records of the entire, sprawling genre. You have two covers right off... first, poem 'And Did Those Feet In Ancient Time' by English poet William Blake in 1806, with music added a hundred years later by Hubert Parry, known better today as 'Jerusalem'; second, you have 'Toccata' which was from piano concerto by Argentine composer Alberto Ginastera (in 1961). Straight up, pretentious-ass covers of non-Rock music... and honestly they're both outstanding songs. I mean, once you hear 'Jerusalem' two or three times (at least the EL&P version) you start wailing along with Lake... it's just beautiful, and a perfect album starter. 'Toccata' is somewhat similar to 'Tank' from the first album... just blasting you with Classical music done by a Rock Trio; then you get to the bizarro pinball noises and proto-DNB sounds about five minutes in by Emerson... it's nuts, just nuts. Phew! Then you get the one Lake ballad on the record (I believe he is the only one of the three playing on it) 'Still... You Turn Me On' which didn't crack the U.S. Top 40, but was (is?) a big Classic Rock song. I don't think it's as good as 'Lucky Man' or 'From the Beginning', also Lake softer tunes on previous albums, but definitely mix-worthy. Even the goofy-ass Pete Sinfeld-penned tune 'Benny the Bouncer' is a ton of fun... again, another pattern across records, fast little ditties... little piano or keyboard ditties... like 'Jeremy Bender' and 'The Sheriff', these tunes are kind of breathers in between all the pomp and circumstance. Then we get to the big boy, the big one--'Karn Evil 9' which is divided like this: end of first side is 'Karn Evil 9 (1st Impression, part one)', then entire second side is 'Karn Evil 9 (1st Impression, part two)', and then 2nd Impression and 3rd Impression (I'm not writing that shit out again). The part that just about every good Classic Rock listener knows is the five minute '1st Impression (part two)'... this is the one that starts out "Welcome Back My Friends, to the Show That Never Ends!!" This song may very well be the most memorable thing for some EL&P casual listeners, as it has the highest Spotify-play from this album and fourth for the band overall. Unlike the songs on the first side, this is a major Prog workout... like 'Starship Trooper' by Yes... you know, long, sudden changes, musical showmanship, great melody. I do love part two, but really part one is better... it is very similar in sound to part two but it's almost twice as long. If you've read this far and you've not heard '1st Impression (part one)' then stop reading and go play the fucking song, beginning to end. I mean you can even connect both 1st impressions if you want to, but it's not necessary. The '2nd Impression' is mostly a spare piano version of the 1st Impression, along with some crazy percussion and Moog parts that, like Toccata, might be mistaken for some '90s DNB (okay, probably not, but it's still wild). '3rd Impression' is probably the worst song on the album, but it's still very good... kind of a re-hash of the first parts, but worth listening to at least once, especially the headphones experience at the very end. Wow, what a great record. I used to like Trilogy best, but maybe this album is superior after all. Overall an excellent experience. This album ain't for everyone, but every good boy that loves Prog should at least know this record, front to back, back to front. Also, a killer album cover that acted as a triptych when opened. Cool!

[racingtoaredlight]

Goodnight, Sweet Prince

Disclaimer: You don't want to read this...it's brutal. I won't take offense if you don't read, but please keep unrelated comments on the Open Thread that will post shortly.

***

This is my 4th attempt at writing something that Willie 100% deserves, but I keep breaking down and I just can't stop crying. I loved him so much, it's just ripping me apart. I loved him so goddamned much.

I was so proud to be his owner. I fucking hate that term, I just don't know what else to use.

I took him everywhere I could. Everywhere he went, he drew people in...this isn't hyperbole, at least once per week I'd be stopped by someone driving and spend a minute or two chatting about him. He was everything I ever wanted in a dog...from his athleticism to his personality to his sense of humor.

Every day I'd get in my car to go home from work, I'd excitedly start my car and say "I'm comin' Willie!" But now he's gone. He's not there to come home to anymore. I walk around my house looking for him and he's just not there.

***

My past four months have been a form of hell, and I've tried really hard not to bring it here...but it's just really hard when that's all you can think about.

I've known my father was going to die since his two heart attacks on the same weekend seven and a half years ago. Those heart attacks happened a month after my beloved grandmother passed away.

I've talked about my issues with manic depression in the past, as well as openly discussed that I've been a danger to myself in the past.

When I was on that edge, my first thought was "if I die, nobody will take Willie, and he'll end his life in a shelter waiting for anyone to adopt him." How could I do that to him again? Despite the shitstorm going on in my brain, even in that state, thinking of him cut through it enough to bring me back.

I don't say this lightly...if it weren't for Willie, I would not be here.

***

My father is in hospice and will likely pass within a week or so. The past four months have featured numerous trips to the ER, doc visits, tests, you name it...pretty much all week, every other week as the doctors kept trying their best to keep a man with a 6% functioning heart and 11% functioning kidneys alive.

The easy parts were running to his place to water his plants. Or coming over in the morning to make him a milkshake while we listen to music. The hard parts have been hanging up the phone or leaving his place, and the first thing that runs through my mind is "will this be the last conversation we ever have?"

The medium hard parts were running to the grocery store or the pharmacy in between meetings. Or preparing him 3 days worth of food in the 45 minutes I had before a guitar lesson. And 1.5 of those days I'd be throwing out the next time I stopped by.

The hardest part was wondering who'd go first.

I never complained about any of this. I'd do it again for the both of them without a conscious thought because I love them both so much. But it wears on you. Month after month does a toll.

***

I've been doing all of this, on top of an insane pace at work, on almost no sleep.

The vet told me to keep a diary of his health throughout all this. You notice a string of bad days, but the first good day and a half and all of the sudden that concern washes away. Keeping a diary allows you to get a relatively objective look at your dog's health, and notice long-term trends.

Unfortuantely...as I've known with my dad's heart condition, sleep is a big factor...I tracked Willie's sleep and got a wonderful look every day at how little I'd gotten over months. Months.

And I knew I lied in the diary. I didn't want to admit to myself that Willie's condition was getting so much worse...even if I couldn't ignore the 8th straight day he'd wake me up before 3am. Let me put it this way...in the last three months, I've had six full nights of sleep. Another 12 of days he woke me up after 3am. Every other day was a 2-3am wakeup call, and three of those days were no sleep at all.

It wasn't as simple as getting up and letting him outside to relieve his fading bladder...the next hours before I went to work were spent comforting him on the couch, as his increasingly weakening heart pounded like hell to circulate enough blood through his system.

He didn't wake me up all those nights because he had to pee...he woke me up all those nights so that I could make him less afraid of his heart feeling like it was drowning due to an edema. He'd get comforted and calm down to sleep just around the time I had to get up and get ready for work.

And every morning, every day I'd come home from work...whenever I'd leave him...there was a simultaneous terror combined with hope that I'd find him having passed away in slumber. A peaceful, painless, natural death.

***

There were so many good memories of our time together, please don't ever suggest that I'm glossing over them. I am at a certain peace...it was his time, it was a wonderful goodbye, and so many of my friends and family have come to his support, that's brought me to tears separately.

He was a special guy, he touched everyone's life that he met. He was wonderful with children, wonderful with others, terrible with other dogs (but you can't win em all).

Those memories will always come back as long as I still have a functioning brain. Right now is so close though, all I can feel is loneliness.

Over the years, I've shared numerous anecdotes of Willie because I was so proud of him that I wanted that joy to be spread to others. But all I can feel is the pain of having lost my best friend.

There's a common refrain "you don't know what you got until it's gone," or some variation of that. I thought I knew what I had in my relationship with Willie...but given this gigantic empty space in my heart, this giant fucking chasm, I somehow underestimated how much he was giving me.

***

The thing that scares me the most about the future isn't losing my father, it's losing a grasp of joy.

Pretty much everyone here knows I struggle deeply with anger issues and have a darker side that I try really hard to keep tamped down. I talked about this with my therapist yesterday before the vet came over...

Willie was always a bulwark against the darker side of my brain coming to the front. Even in my worst moods, where I'm borderline psychotic, even just looking at him would bring me to a calmer, sustainable place psychologically. "Those" days at work? They bothered me less knowing I'd be on the couch chillin' with my big boy in 15 minutes.

As his condition worsened, so did the vet bills and trips. $100 a pop, $450 for an echocardiogram here, $200 dog cardiologist fees, $180 for a Lasix IV there, $150 every month for his heart medication, $50 per month on all the stuff he needed for his arthritis, and it seriously just goes on and on. Thousands and thousands of dollars over the last four months. Nevermind the car trips there and back that wreaked havoc on his heart...

But I would have done fucking anything for this dog. Anything except selfishly keep him alive when he's telling me he just can't anymore...I knew it was the right thing, and I feel like I fucking completely betrayed and failed him, at a time when he needed me the most.

That helpless feeling..."I can't do fucking shit"...I'd find myself at 3am googling "if you love a dog enough will it live forever?" You know the answer. I knew the answer. That's where I'm still at.

***

I should've quit writing this paragraphs ago...I'm just fucking sobbing and this isn't doing me any good. And I can't just talk about the good times, because all I can think of is that those times are gone. Every time I think of something beautiful or joyful, it's immediately poisoned by an onset of sobbing because I miss him so much already.

You all know how much Willie meant to me. I don't have to make the case for that...I loved that dog more than I've loved anything in my life. And I don't give a shit if you think that's sad or immature or lame.

I kept quitting this and coming back because he deserves it. He deserves to be commemorated for the tremendous companion he was...and as much as I'd love to be able to write that piece that makes everyone happy and celebrates him, I just can't write that piece right now. The joyful memories will come when I'm in a healthier state, I'm certain of it.

But I can't keep writing this and just crying all over myself. He deserved a much better eulogy than this, but this is the best that I could do. It feels like I failed him already yesterday and now I feel like I'm failing him again.

Willie was the greatest dog in the world, my best friend, my savior, and adopting him was the single most rewarding thing I've ever done in my life. I'll love him forever no matter what. I'm just really hurting right now.

***

During this time, I've been trying to think of something to preserve his memory with what few skills I possess, and I have no idea how to do this or even get it started, but I want to start a non-profit called The Willie Fund where I can link with pit rescues across the country and provide funds for palliative care and dignified, in-home euthenasia for those in their communities that need it. I don't know where to start but I have to do something.

And thank you guys for letting me share Willie with you all these years. I'll be back at some point.

*The pic at the top was taken months ago, not yesterday...it's just my favorite serious picture of the two of us and thought it was a respectful image to remember our relationship by. I loved him so much and I know he loved me too.

[sumbreon]

just going over this whole past year, you know how it is

self harm and family death below so that gives you an idea of how its gone i guess

so january started on a nice high, i felt better than i had in a long time and then one week into january it took a complete nosedive to the lowest id felt in years. like i went from starting to talk and managing to push myself to do some stuff i wanted to/would be good for me to wanting to self harm for the first time in seven years. i was sat at work completely dissociated and got jolted out of it by an extremely vivid image of blood pouring out of my arm.

it was a double edged sword because it pushed me to finally reduce my hours at work which i really needed but like it meant i was doing real bad which really fucking sucked with how id been doing the past month. it was agreed with my boss that id start my reduced hours in april so we wouldnt have to mess around with annual leave calculation bullshit and just knowing it was coming helped but i was definitely pretty out of it for those months.

march rolls around, i have a week and a half booked off. im gonna decide on some things i want to do with my extra time after i recover mentally and then my grandmother is in hospital with some dark spot on her bladder and the care home she was in cant look after her anymore and she may have contracted covid in the hospital but its fine she didnt then michael tells me theres gonna be a band 4 coming up in pathology IT but i cant process that right now but its there in the back of my mind constantly then she gets bounced around a few care homes then shes back in hospital then it settles and shes in a care home 5 minutes away from our house but i still havent seen her in like a year and a half at this point and im wracked with guilt because what do i remember about her really? not much it feels like, i worry if shed even recognise me, what would i even say to her? but it doesnt matter because visitors are still limited and id rather my mum and aunties see her cause theyd get more out of it

then its april and my mum just snaps under her own job, i have this extra time at home but i gotta walk on eggshells cause march happened and now this and i have no idea how shes doing mentally because this family is so emotionally repressed so i just hide in my room, basically feeling kinda catatonic and just straight up lying at work like 'yeah its great!'

then may comes around and i do actually start to recover. the band 4 jobs still in the background of my mind but nothing mores been said about it but i cant not think about it. the time goes by so much faster than you think it would but i start drawing again. small canvas size just sketches nothing fancy at all just a minimum something once a week no pressure its okay

june is much the same, the plan had been recover mentally then start applying for jobs elsewhere but then the band 4 was there looming so the plan became wait and see what comes of that, i dont manage to get back to where i was at this time last year but i do my best to not hold it against myself, im getting better thats what matters

july. the band 4 goes up its all thats in my brain. i want to recind my application so i can stop worrying about it. i get the job its full time and day time hours as opposed to the 12-8 ive been doing for years but its too good an opportunity for me to pass up. its means i can get on paper IT experience

august comes around and im due to start my new job on the 8th. its the 7th i go downstairs see my mum and ask her how its going. my grandmother is dead. i start my new job and i say nothing about that, its a struggle though i dont show it im shown a few things but theyre done quickly and easy to stay on top of, i only know one person in this room, my desk is the first one you see when you come into the room so im on edge every time the door opens, i dont want to be doing this right now but sitting at home wont do me any good either so i bear it silently, the funeral is the 26th, i only mention this to my new boss because i need the day off, theres a moment of pity that i cant really deal with. i hate being pitied i know people mean well by it but it makes me bristle. its the 26th my mum starts crying as we get to the crematorium shes gripping my hand tightly and i wont let her go either, i sit there and feel the guilt about not remembering but then my great uncle starts to read her eulogy and its like 'oh. there you are. i do remember you. i remember so much of you' and then im crying too

september and october i mostly just continue to adjust to how things are, this new normal, the new job is good, my new boss is kind, i want to cry

november, the birthday month, the start of self reflection. what do i want out of life, how can i get it, who do i want to be. i never really know, i remind myself that this year has been a struggle and i do my best to be kind to myself, its birthday week and ive kept up the weekly sketching for 6 months now, i only missed one week and i dont feel bad about it. a band 5 has gone up in pathology IT, explicitly for me

its december and its come around so fucking fast, its over already. i get the band 5 we have a nice christmas. i survive. this year had such extreme highs and lows and i honestly have no idea how to like rank this year

i have come to the unfortunate conclusion that working in pathology IT will be temporary, my boss is set to retire july this year, working full time takes too much out of me so i dont have the energy to do things that i want, i miss my hours of 12-8. the plan was always stick it out for a year and see where im at but the hope was that id stay. maybe im not done adjusting but thats for the eden of june to decide.

thank you for reading i love you i hope things go well for you be kind to yourself - eden :] <3

[izzyhandsgf]

I posted 1,613 times in 2022

That's 1,613 more posts than 2021!

144 posts created (9%)

1,469 posts reblogged (91%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@cromatheskeleton

@bansq

@werenotacoupleyesyouare

@what-when-where-and-y

@metkapop

I tagged 139 of my posts in 2022

#tnt duo - 96 posts

#tnt duo brainrot because i love them - 90 posts

#quackity - 88 posts

#tntduo - 84 posts

#wilbur soot - 80 posts

#quackbur - 79 posts

#tw quackbur shipping - 74 posts

#dream smp - 72 posts

#dsmp - 71 posts

#wilbur - 70 posts

Longest Tag: 70 characters

#seriously tho if you have ideas please tell me writers block  h u r ts

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I love to think that when either Wilbur or Quackity is questioned about the nature of their relationship with the other that they’ll be all like “WHAT??!! H-HIM??? My relationship with him is PURELY business, I want absolutely NOTHING to do with the likes of HIM,” in utter indignation at this suggestion and then cut to five minutes later where they’re making out against the burger van.

205 notes - Posted January 2, 2022

#4

you’re in his DMs, I’m terrorising the casino he owns whilst simultaneously trying to fix every mistake i’ve made in the past. We are not the same.

212 notes - Posted August 22, 2022

#3

Ok but like- I’m just saying if a Revived Wilbur and Quackity had a wedding (yes I know of the multitudes of trauma, I’ve thought this whole thing out lmao), then you can’t tell me that Wilbur would just show up in the most gorgeous, lacy, fitted, ivory-white dress ever, and then just throw his filthy old trenchcoat on top and act like he’s a fucking fashion icon.

He’d just be walking up the aisle and everyone there would just be like smh Wilbur couldn’t you go one day without the trenchcoat you bloody JD kinnie.

Also Tommy would most definitely be the flower boy and throw cactuses and shit at people he didn’t like, Niki would be Wilbur’s maid of honour (we love ignoring canon to make fluffy scenarios /hj), Slime would be Quackity’s best man and naturally, it’d be a classic church prime wedding as per tradition.

256 notes - Posted January 10, 2022

#2

the men of the dsmp really just knew that straight relationships weren’t gonna be a thing so just said fuck it and went about dating men

281 notes - Posted July 13, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

i am starting to genuinely belive that my mans c!wilbur just had a massive sexuality crisis in limbo- 

like he comes out of complete and utter sexual depravity almost 100% gayer? my guy probably didn’t have much to do, and when the mind gets bored, the mind starts to think of homosexual things.

i picture him just like sitting alone in the train station, absent-mindedly throwing a rock at the walls, when his brain is just like- “Ok but hear me out- what about men?”

“and what about quackity in particular?”

LIKE- you cannot tell me that this man wasn’t on Wilbur’s brain 24/7, where else do you think this sudden urge to go see him came from?? C!Wilbur definitely had nice thoughts about a certain pretty man, questioned his sexuality ten times a day, and with a splendiferous revival ended up almost 500x more homosexual. That’s just how it works now.

i also have like another million theories about how he changed during the course of his limbo but we’ll save those for another tumblr post shall we-

289 notes - Posted March 12, 2022

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