#wow can't believe I wrote this today

[love-belle]

i should hate u !!!

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ in which their post break-up era is them using shady captions to communicate and the media and fans being confused.

or

for when you loved them too much. ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

social media au // max verstappen x fem!reader

sequel - today and tomorrow and every day after that ⋆·˚ ༘ *

warnings - language

author's note - hello!!! i really hope u like this <3 i was initially gonna do daniel ricciardo one first but i already had 1/2 of this done so i just decided to post this :) thank u sm for reading <3 i love u

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f1news y/n y/l/n and max verstappen called it quits almost a month ago and it seems like they didn't end on good terms at all. the singer, at her london show last night, threw shade at her ex-boyfriend, saying and we quote, "the next song wouldn't have been possible without this one dude who inspired it obviously. so — here's 'i should hate you'. spoiler alert, i do. thank you!" the reason for the split is still unknown but sources who claim to be close to the pair said that 'it was bound to happen — with their different goals and plans for the future," seemingly referring to the talks that y/l/n wanted to get married and verstappen didn't. both of them have yet to comment on the situation. for more details, click on the link in our bio.

278 comments

username WOAH

username pause.

username ahahahahaha say what.

username oh my god 💀💀💀

username NOT HER CONFIRMING THAT I SHOULD HATE YOU IS ABT MAX

username no bc the way her voice cracked so many times in between the songs like girlie is angry AND hurt

username OH MY GOD

username i genuinely have no words

username omg the photos are NOT of her shading max. it's her laughing at a fan who yelled "you're the baddest bitch of all baddest bitches" at her

-> username YEAH LIKE SHE WAS SO CLOSE TO CRYING WHEN SHE SANG ISHY

username my delusional ass thinking they ended on good terms 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

username nah it's so champagne problems and you're losing me kinda thing i can't handle this whatcthe fucj

username OH WHATCTHEBFUCJ

username me getting the big guns out to defend her AND max with my LIFE

username still processing their breakup give me a year to digest this information

username STOP WHAT THE FUCK

username my parents ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️

username no bc she's genuinely such a sweet person so if she said this max must've done something 😭😭😭😭😭

-> username STOP NO 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

username can't believe she's saying this about a dude for whom she wrote "feels like" for like wow.

username I WAS AT THAT SHOW AND SHE LOOKED SO SAD AFTER SHE SAID THIS I FELT SO BAD

-> username SHE ALSO STARTED CRYING WHEN SHE FINISHED SINGING I MISS U IM SORRY AND ZARA (HER LEAD GUITARIST) HAD TO RUN AND CONSOLE HER

-> username AND SHE SAID THAT THE LAST MONTH HAS BEEN HARD ON HER AND SHE APOLOGIZED IF THE SHOW WASN'T AS GOOD AS THE OTHERS

-> username NAH MOTHER ATE AS ALWAYS

username y'all saying this but not the fact that she ALSO said "in another life we would've worked but im grateful for everything i had because for a moment you were mine"

-> username MY HEART JUST BROKE WHATCTHEBFUCK

≡;- ꒰ °instagram ꒱

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maxverstappen1 i know i say that i am better now, spoiler alert, i am

8,926 comments

username the way my jaw dropped

username THE PICTURES

username GODDAMN

username someone take away y/n's phone before she hits back 💀💀💀

-> username the way i know that she would absolutely destroy him

username NOT THE PHOTOS OMG

danielricciardo spoiler alert, also a liar

-> maxverstappen1 you promised you wouldn't snitch

username he definitely cried while posting this idc

username max babe it's okay to admit that u miss ur wifey bc same 💔💔💔

-> username "wifey" girl he didn't even wanna marry her

-> username not another word.

username funny haha 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 im crying 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 now get back with mom.

landonorris no you're not

-> maxverstappen1 i will block you

username lando and daniel exposing max 💀💀💀

username no bc he probably cries whenever he remembers that he fumbled a baddie like y/n

username "it's all better with you ❤️"

-> username i could've gone along with my day without seeing that just saying

-> username delete that RIGHT NOW before i start crying

username missing max simping for y/n like ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️

charles_leclerc i swear i can hear you crying from my hotel room

-> maxverstappen1 WE'RE NOT EVEN IN THE SAME HOTEL

username the way im SO sure he heard y/n saying that she hates him and that was the moment he gave up

-> username nah bc he was one of the "my girl's mad at me i hope i die" kinda guys

-> username wonder how he's surviving this tbh

username I CAN'T TAKE THIS SERIOUS IM SORRY THE POST IS JUST TOO FUNNY

≡;- ꒰ °instagram ꒱

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yourusername i hate you lol

12,628 comments

username HELP

username she could only get this much in before her manager took away her phone ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

*liked by yourusername*

username no bc girl had a lot to say she's just trying to keep it cute

*liked by yourusername*

username the way i know y/n FOUGHT for the right to post this caption

username this is MILD bc i know y/n can be ruthless 😭😭😭😭😭😭

landonorris "in love" alright.

-> yourusername IT'S FOR THE AESTHETIC

username mother and father are fighting i can't take this what tye fyxk

username 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

username mother slays everyday just saying

username no bc if y/n ever said ihy to me i would give up just a thought

lilymhe pretty bitch

-> yourusername u sure that's not u?????

username i REALLY hope she's at the next gp

-> username no bc the way max and her meeting would definitely be more entertaining than the race itself

username NOT THE SONG LYRICS WHAT HAVE U PLANNED

-> username oh fuck that broke my heart what the fuck

username missing my man max in the comments section being a whipped bitch so bad ://////

carmenmmundt can't wait to see you darling 🤍

-> yourusername counting down the seconds omg i missed u!!!!!!

username y/n's manager has her on lockdown i can tell 💀💀💀

-> username with what she said at her last show i wouldn't be surprised

landonorris the post has reached the target and the target is currently eating ice cream while singing your songs

-> yourusername OH OKAY

-> yourusername good to know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

username she's so pretty it's not fair wtf

username the caption omg

-> username it's SO mild compared to what i was expecting tbh 💀

username slay

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maxverstappen1 it's all better now

comments are disabled for this post

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yourusername and i swear to god i'd kill you if i loved you a less hard

13,728 comments

username SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

username OH MY GOD

username IS THAT MAX WHATCTHEBFUCK

username NOT Y/N SOFT LAUNCHING HER EX BOYFRIEND

username GIRL 😭😭😭😭 get up

username this is INSANE

username MOTHER?????? WHAT IS THIS??????

danielricciardo the most stressful week of my life if we're being for real

-> yourusername u can send m*x the therapy bill

-> maxverstappen1 don't. i did not agree to that.

username HER SONG LYRICS OH MY GOD

username SHE WROTE THIS SONG FOR MAX 😭😭😭😭😭😭

username okay but like. are we SURE that's max?????

-> username i simply refuse to believe that it's someone else so yes. that IS in fact max.

username OKAYYYYYYY

username did NOT see this coming in a thousand years

username obviously VERY happy for them but y/n censoring max's name is so fucking hilarious like

-> yourusername babe it's m*x

-> username my bad ur absolutely right it's m*x

-> maxverstappen1 this is bullying

username DID HE PUT A RING ON IT WHATXTHEBFUCK

-> username NO BC THAT WOULD MAKE SM SENSE

username so i lost SLEEP over nothing????????

maxverstappen1 nice pants

-> yourusername thanks they would look better on ur floor

-> maxverstappen1 say less

-> username i think i just died whatcthebfuxk

-> username oh they're GOOD now

username imagine they just drop engagement photos out of the blue then what.

-> yourusername imagine lol

-> username WHAT DOES THIS MEAN

username i just know y/n's eating up every moment of this chaos

-> maxverstappen1 demons thrive in chaos so

-> yourusername well! it was nice to reconcile for a couple days, goodbye now.

username im crying whayctrhbfcuk

landonorris mother father

-> yourusername child

-> maxverstappen1 no

-> username ah yes the four family members mother father child and no

username THE HEART THE EVERYTHING THEM

username they STILL don't follow eachother LMFAO

[gyusimp]

Can you please write a kenji sato x best friend . Where he is outgoing/ extroverted and the reader is introverted and totally opposite . Like he fell first but she fell harder troupe. Thank youx

°•𝑩𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝒇𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒔 𝒕𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒔 [[ᴷᵉⁿʲⁱ ᔆᵃᵗᵒ ˣ ʳᵉᵃᵈᵉʳ ᵒⁿᵉ⁻ˢʰᵒᵗ]

3.5k words | No warnings | SFW | Fluff | I have no idea what timeline I wrote this in lol just enjoy it 💖😅

"I finally have an answer to your question" Kenji confessed, smiling as he rested on your bed.

"So, do you know what you're going to give me for my birthday?" You had been joking with that for months.

Remembering over and over again the proximity of your birthday while he avoided the question on purpose or simply answered you “my sincere friendship” as a joke. Today he was visiting your house and you both agreed to meet in person to talk in a more pleasant way while you updated him on your things and he updated you.

"Just close your eyes" he told you, while you obeyed and he asked you to extend your hands to receive your gift.

"Wow, you're not even going to wait for the day to come" you commented smiling.

"Now. You can open them" he pointed at you and you did exactly that. You saw his cell phone in your hands and how it showed the website of a hotel with some numbers and its details written on the screen. It was a reservation for a month from now, right on the weekend of your birthday, to spend it alone at the beach, he knows how much you love it even though you haven't been there that many times, so he wanted to do something more special for you this time than just taking you to the movies or an expensive restaurant.

"I can't believe it Kenji! Are you serious?" You asked, to which he nodded, happy to see your reaction.

You were moved by his nice gesture so you hugged him and thanked him a thousand times while you talked to him excitedly, looking at the photos of the hotel on the beach, right by the sea. Kenji told you that he had even already talked to your parents about it so there was no problem with them, both of them knew Kenji since you became his best friend almost 6 years ago so they can trust him.

Kenji was happy to be able to make you smile like that. He would do anything necessary to always make you smile and let you know how much you mean to him. Things haven't been easy since he realized his feelings for you 2 years ago, keeping what he feels for fear of ruining everything you've built together has been exhausting and frustrating at times, but if keeping that to himself ensures that he can talk to you without any impediment or lose your trust then it was worth it. Sometimes it was still difficult not being able to tell you in a different tone of voice how pretty you look, hug you in a different way and kiss your face whenever he wanted, but it's something he's learned to handle. The following weeks you couldn't stop thinking about the trip, going shopping with him to try on clothes and such until the days were getting closer and now you found yourself doing a video call with him while you both packed your things to leave very early tomorrow.

The appreciation you had for Kenji was very special, both of you used to be different most of the time but maybe that made you complement each other better. You still remember when he was the one who took the initiative to talk to you at university when he saw that you didn't do it with anyone else, most of the time you spent reading, listening to music and avoiding people. You used to get along well with some classmates but it wasn't anything serious compared to him who knew a considerable amount of people on and off campus, he had several girls from different careers behind him and several fans who followed him even at the beginning of his sports career until the day he became a celebrity.

Despite being talkative and louder than the average of the people you usually talk to, there was something about him that you found pleasant and made you trust him, little by little feeling happier when you spent time by his side during breaks and then you started talking about him more often at home until you introduced him to your parents and the rest was history. The two of you were talking and joking on the video call, showing each other the things you packed and picking out your outfits. You loved that he had such a good fashion sense.

“Well, I think I’m done,” he said, taking out his phone.

“Wait, not me. I still don’t know where to put my makeup. Should I put it in the clothes or shoes suitcase?” you asked more to yourself.

"Don’t be exaggerated" he laughed "we’re leaving for a couple of days, not a month. Pack just a lipstick and mascara, i don't know"

"Obviously not, I’ll have to be touching up a lot because of the heat so I have to take everything. See! I almost forgot the sunscreen!"

" It doesn’t matter, I’ll bring one"

"Yes, but mine is tinted, like a foundation" you answered, making him laugh with the details you mentioned.

You talked for a while longer until you told him it was better to go to sleep. He would arrive early for you in his car. The next morning, you ended up falling asleep in the passenger seat while he was driving, your nerves didn’t let you rest well and he insisted that you sleep a little longer on the way when he saw you nod off a couple of times, when you woke up, you would meet at the beach. And so it was, in a couple of hours you were already on your way to the hotel and when you arrived it was more incredible than you imagined, the huge building full of windows and balconies was much bigger than it appeared in the photographs on the website. A lot of palm trees adorned the luxurious entrance of the place towards the reception as you both walked with your things to check in and get the key to your room. Anyone would think you were an excited young couple on their honeymoon.

You entered the room and took the bed you wanted since he let you choose, you placed your suitcases on the bed just like him and you changed your clothes in the bathroom to a cooler one. You called your parents to send them some photos and tell them that everything was fine.

"It's nice, isn't it? I didn't think this place was so big"

"Yes, it's incredible… thank you very much for the gift, it really is something very nice."He smiled when he heard your words and lightly shook the hair on your head.

"It’s nothing, anything for you… "

You two decide to leave the room and walk in and out of the hotel for the rest of the day. Everything is so nice and it’s nice to be able to spend time alone with him in a different way, Kenji can notice how happy you are and he loves the way he manages to make you smile. You are the person who has brought him the most happiness in this stage of his life and thinking about that makes his feelings for you only increase. Sometimes he wonders if he will ever be able to let you know, he is a self-confident person and maybe if the fear of losing you because you don’t reciprocate his feelings didn’t torment him so much, he would have already declared his love for you a long time ago.

After a day of walking around the place, he decides to take you to another part, more secluded from the hustle of the clubs near the docks and the tourism that fills the small place. You walk with him to a private part of the beach within the perimeter of the hotel where you decide to sit and talk, watching the waves and listening to their soft sound, feeling the cool breeze crash against your faces, illuminated by the moonlight and some torches serving as decoration of the hotel. The atmosphere was calm and relaxed, making both of you feel comfortable and confident next to each other.

"Thank you very much for everything Kenji…" He smiled, sweetly.

"I just wanted to do something different for you" You smiled in response, running your hands along your arms at the breeze on your skin. He got closer to you "Are you cold? Do you want me to go get your hooddie?" He asked, as attentive as always.

"No, don't worry, I'm fine. Our things are far away anyway" you thanked him, however, he found it convenient to put his arm around you to make you feel better.

"Well, then I'll have to take care of it myself" he joked as he hugged you, letting you cover yourself in his touch as you sat on the sand.

Silence was present for a few minutes, until your voice rang out again to speak to him. "You know, I also mean, thank you for everything…not just for my gift" you continued, in a soft voice, slightly embarrassed for saying such sentimental things "I've never had a friend so close or that I cared so much about before I met you…you know that it's hard for me to create bonds and such, normally I distance myself from people but, I never felt that need when I'm with you…" Your words made him smile, caressing your arm

"Thank you…I'm glad to know that. I'm also happy to be able to have you in my life. I've never had a best friend before either so it's nice that we complete each other so well…" What he said left you thinking and your chest jumped slightly without fully knowing the reason. You looked in detail at his arm around your shoulders and how close you both were, managing to make you nervous and feeling how your face burned, reminding you of all the times you thought how attractive your best friend is but forcing you to distract yourself with something else. "Yes… you understand me so well that sometimes I still can't believe it. I'm sorry if I say weird things, but you really make me very happy" you said smiling "a long time ago I felt bad and I thought a lot about things that worried me but every time I spend more time with you that anguish goes away…" "And what is it that worries you?" he asked, wanting to know more about you to be able to help you

"It's silly, but… I thought a lot about the consequences of my difficulty to be with people. Sometimes I imagined dying alone or things like that" you laughed embarrassed. Although you were referring more to a couple's company, Kenji had managed to calm the anxiety you had anyway, but you never thought about him seeing you as something more. He is quite affectionate with you, but something more direct would have had to happen for you to realize what he feels for you. "Come on, don't think about it. No matter how far away we are, busy or tired, I'll always be with you, okay? For whatever you need…" "Me too…" you told him, smiling. Kenji pulled you closer to him and both of you were in a soft hug that made your heartbeats and his accelerate.

The moment you let your face rest on his chest and felt yourself surrounded by his hands, an inexplicable warmth flooded your entire being, making you sigh and for some reason stirring up the feelings until you wanted to cry, but not from sadness. You knew that if you were with him everything would always be okay and you wanted to prolong that for as long as possible. Even your whole life, if there was any chance. “You mean so much to me,” he told you, in a low voice near your ear. “You do too, everything, actually.” You answered, putting a smile on his lips and butterflies in his stomach.

The conversation between the two of you changed to more random topics and some jokes between you. However, the way your eyes sparkled when you saw him was different, as if this tender and sincere moment had helped you realize what he truly makes you feel. As the night progressed, you both decided to return to your room, to say good night and rest. You went to bed, the sheets were really comfortable and the softness of the pillows and mattress was unique but despite that you couldn't manage to fall asleep even if you tried. You could feel the weight on your head of having unlocked millions of repressed feelings and thoughts freeing themselves inside you, not knowing what to do or how to act in this new situation. You were lying on the bed, you turned around to get comfortable and you saw him asleep, in the bed in front of you on the other side of the room.

The light was dim coming in through the window but enough for you to appreciate the features of his face perfectly. Did he always have the habit of sleeping without a shirt or did he do it on purpose? You were afraid that he could hear your thoughts as they were so loud inside your head. Eventually you fell asleep, thinking about him. The next day you felt strange, but not in an unpleasant way but as if you felt more nervous, always thinking, do I look pretty? looking at him from time to time with the excuse of seeing something about him, whether or not he had his sunglasses on or what color shirt he was wearing. When he caught you looking at him he smiled at you making you feel embarrassed, using the poor quality of your sunscreen as an excuse in case he happened to notice the blush on your cheeks more than once.

When you both spent some time in the pool it was much worse, you felt the need to see him but acting normal got in the way of your goals. You wanted to hug him and somehow be able to hold his hand so that everyone who saw you together would assume you were a couple. He is open-minded, would he see it as something strange if you dared to do it? Your heart jumped in doubt but again, you decided to let it go for fear of having a moment of embarrassment in front of him. The sunset was beginning to paint the environment a soft pink, he helped you pack your things and carry your suitcases to the car to return to the city. A slight nostalgia filled your chest at having to leave this place, where you had experienced something beautiful with him. A small idea of being able to visit it again and fulfill your wish of walking together hand in hand this time crossed your mind before getting into the car.

The clouds were getting darker on the way, touches of lilac and blue in the sky by the time he was at the entrance of your house opening the car door for you to get out and then the trunk to give you your things. You watched him greet your parents in the living room of your house, both excited to see you two return happily, thanking him for how attentive and thoughtful he was with you always. Seeing the interaction with your family gave you a strong desire to imagine their reactions to the news of you two being a formal couple, that that idea would come to stay in reality but your bubble burst when he suddenly hugged you and said goodbye to you to go back to his house, leaving you with a bittersweet smile on your face, thanking him again for everything he did for you.

And once again you were in your room, staring at the ceiling unable to sleep and when you turned to the side you couldn't see his face like the night before. That your sight collided only with your things in their usual place felt heavy on your chest. What if I tell him? You thought, afraid of ruining your friendship you hid under a stupid excuse of telling him as a way to vent how you felt to someone you trusted instead of a direct confession of your love for him, hoping that deep down you would reciprocate. You thought about this throughout the day as you recognized affectionate gestures from him towards you that left you thinking. The need was felt in each of your heartbeats hoping to be able to talk to him properly tomorrow but time seemed eternal.

You threw the covers off of you and changed your clothes, grabbing a coat and your car keys before leaving the house, to start the vehicle and drive to his house which by the way, was incredibly far from yours, which was an immense relief to see it in the distance as you began to approach until you went up and parked in his driveway. You called him when you got out of the car, expecting him to answer his phone, but when you got to the door, he was already there, having been notified by Mina that you were parking in his driveway. Things unrelated to what was going through your head made him wonder why you were here. Did you forget something in his car? Or did he pack his stuff in your suitcase by mistake? Maybe an emergency had come up? He hoped not. It was almost 11 pm, he usually stays up late sometimes, but he was surprised that you had come here instead of calling or texting him.

“Hey, what’s going on? Is everything okay?” He asked. You quickly said yes, even stopping him from letting you in before you spoke, so as not to lose the momentum that made you come here now.

"Kenji, I… you should know something" your words made him tense but he didn't take his gaze and attention off of you, nervous about what you might say. "These days I realized something extremely important and maybe you'll think it may be stupid or too soon but believe me I've never felt so sure of something, what I want… I know what I want…"

"And what do you want?" he asked, waiting for your answer, with his pulse racing as you approached him.

"You" you said without thinking, maybe deep down regretting having been so direct but it was all or nothing. "I love you Kenji… more than you think, more than just my best friend…"

He was speechless, looking at you in amazement and unable to believe it, he didn't think something so good could happen to him, something he had dreamed of so many times until he found it as something meaningless incapable of coming true. "Of course it's not stupid at all" he told you, approaching you. "Because I feel the same way about you…" you didn’t see his answer coming, his declaration, you felt yourself melting when he took your face with both hands. Your eyes were moistened by so many emotions. "I’ve always felt this way, you’re everything I want, everything I never thought I needed so much. And suddenly it’s been almost two years since I realized how much I’ve been loving you, afraid of ruining things…"

"Two years?" you asked him, with amazement in your voice. You felt like you were almost going crazy these days without being able to show him your affection completely. You couldn’t imagine how frustrating it was for him to keep everything he felt for so long.

"Kenji…" You took his face and caressed it, the distance between you both shortened more and more and without realizing it you let your lips find his to join in a kiss. It was what you had both wanted so much, you could feel all his love and you just hoped that you weren’t too nervous to not be able to show it too.

His lips were warm and soft, his heart leapt with happiness at being able to live this moment after so much, happy to be able to express himself without fear and amazed to receive your confession first in an unexpected way. "I love you, I love you so much…" he answered, kissing your forehead while you kept his hands on your face, taking them carefully.

Now you agreed to go to his house, having too many things to talk about, but now that you could hug him and hold his hand it would be easier for both of you.

[canirove]

Ben Chilwell Imagine | seven

Author's note: Just something random I came up with the other day after seeing this post by @lovelynikol16 She wrote it about Mason, but I feel like these days we need some cute and nice Ben content, so I wrote it for him. As always, I hope you like it, and thank you for reading! 💜 Little summary: Ben Chilwell, the football player you've had a crush on for years acknowledges you on his Instagram stories after you win a gold medal at the Olympic Games, and your friends convince you to slide into his dms 👀 (female reader/pov)

Masterlist

“Oh my God!”

“What… No!”

“What are you two gasping about?” I ask my teammates. 

“You won't believe who just congratulated you for your gold medal and said that he is, and I quote, very proud of you” one of them says, showing me her phone.

“Holy shit. Is that… Is that real?”

“Very very real” she says. “Check your phone if you don't believe us.”

“He also started following me.”

“What?” they both say, moving to stand one at each side of me so we can all see my phone's screen. 

“He shared that story congratulating me, and he started following me” I say, still not believing what the little notification says. 

Ben Chilwell. Ben freaking Chilwell, Chelsea and England National Team player… Has congratulated me for my gold medal at the Olympic Games, said that he is very proud of me AND started to follow me on Instagram.

What… the fuck.

“Girl, you seriously have to slide into his dms and tell him thank you or something.”

“What?” I laugh.

“You've had a crush on him for ages and now he has discovered that you exist and knows who you are. Make your move!” my teammate says.

“I… I can't do that. What if he doesn't reply? What if his account is run by a pr person and not him and I make a fool of myself? What if…”

“What if, what if, what if” my other teammate says, rolling her eyes. “You are just texting him a thank you, not asking him to marry you… yet” she smirks.

“Idiot” I reply, giving her a little push.

“C'mon, send him a message.”

“And what do I say? Thank you for your support?”

“For example” she shrugs.

“Ok” I say, taking a deep breath and starting to type.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

Thank you very much for your support, Ben. It means a lot! ☺️

And good luck for this season, it's gonna be the one! 💙

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

“Is that ok?” I ask my teammates.

“Perfect.”

“Now what?” 

“Now we just wait for his reply.”

“If he replies…” I sigh.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

“Today we finally had some time off and we left the villa to do some… Mum, I have to go.”

“What? Why?” she says over facetime. 

“Something has come up.”

“Something like what? Is it bad? You look… weird.”

“No, no. It's just a team meeting. I'll call you again after dinner, ok?”

“Ok. But…”

“Love you, mum” I say, ending the call before she can say goodbye. And why? Because an Instagram notification that just popped up on my screen, one I had lost all hope would get to see. “Ok, you can do this” I say to myself, taking a deep breath and tapping on it.

Why the hell are my hands shaking so much? Aaahhh!

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Thank you very much for your support, Ben. It means a lot! ☺️

And good luck for this season, it's gonna be the one! 💙

You're very welcome!! 💙  You seriously are amazing. My mates and I watched you perform (if that's the right word? 🫣) and you were fucking amazing 😱 Also sorry for the late reply but we just got back from the US and the jetlag has been kicking my ass 😴

Wow, thank you. You are gonna make me blush 😳

And don't worry, I've been there with the jetlag 😅

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Don't worry, don't worry, but I've been having dreams with him replying to my dm since the day I sent it. And he already is making me blush, but shh.

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Just telling the truth 🤷🏻‍♂️ Also thank you very much for the luck! We will be needing it this season. Especially me 🙈

Last season was a tough one, wasn't it?

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Of course it was, you idiot. He spent half of it injured!

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But hey, when I was 19 I injured my knee  and doctors told me there were high chances of not being able to do gymnastics again, yet look at me right now. I've won a gold medal at the Olympic Games, and I've done it against probably the best gymnast in history!

If I was able to come back, so will you. I believe in you, Ben! 💪🏻

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

“I believe in you, Ben… God, I'm so lame” I say to myself.

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Thank you very much 🥺💙 I may have to hire you as my motivational coach or something 😜 How much the hour? 

Well, since you play for my team, I think I can give you a discount 

Wait, then it is true? Do you support Chelsea? I read it online but wasn't sure

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

Has he… has he been googling me? What?

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Chelsea girl since the day I was born

I actually left the hospital wearing a tiny Chelsea hat and had a matching bib

No way! 😱  Is there a photo? 👀

There is 

May I see it? 😇

Ummm…

Please 🥺🥺🥺

Ok, fine

But only because it is you.

If this ends up anywhere online, I know where to find you, Chilwell 🧐

It won't leave my phone, I promise 😇🤞🏻 Also you were such a cute baby!! 😍 And still are Cute I mean Not a baby You obviously are a woman A cute woman I mean, beautiful Women are beautiful and you are a beautiful woman  Sorry 🤦🏻‍♂️

It's ok, don't worry 😅😂

Thank you ☺️

And same 😉

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

Did I… Did I just kind of flirt with him? After he said I was a cute baby and that now I am a beautiful woman? Ummm… hello?

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Am I a cute baby or a beautiful woman? 🤔😜

You are a very handsome man who also happens to be very cute

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

There. I said it. I just told Ben Chilwell that he is handsome and cute. Do men like being called cute? Is that a turn off? Urgh.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

Thank you 😳😳😳😳 That's my face right now, btw

What? 😂

You've made me blush 😳

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“Yeah, sure” I snort.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

Photo or didn't happen 

I look like shit right now You don't want to see that

I disagree 🤷🏼‍♀️ 

Fine 🙄 

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

“Looking like shit, he says… You look bloody gorgeous, Benjamin” I say, zooming on the pic. How can someone be this handsome and look this good on a random selfie? It isn't fair. 

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That's not looking like shit

Like shit is how I look after training for more than 12 hours 

And I can't see you blushing with the beard

Should I shave it?

You won't dare!

Team beard? 😂

Team beard forever 💙

Interesting 🤔 Most girls don't like it They say it bothers them when I kiss them

Those girls know nothing 🙄

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I mean, if a guy like him is kissing you, who cares if it feels a bit itchy? Also, have they seen his lips? Like, urgh.

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I promise you I will keep my beard for the day we meet 😇 Which length do you prefer?

The one you always have the day before you shave

I hate it when you do that

It gets good and pum

Gone

Also, are we meeting? Since when? 🤨

Sorry 🙈 And I was thinking that maybe I could have a chat with the team and see if I can invite you to pay us a visit at Cobham  Since you are a Chelsea fan since the day you were born, I think it would be cool A little homage after winning your medal  I've never seen one in real life, you know?

Oh, so you just want to see the medal, not me

Cool

What? No, no, no I want to see you And the medal Both things But mostly you The medal is cool but…  God, I'm rambling again, am I not?🤦🏻‍♂️

A bit, yeah😅

But it's ok, don't worry 

Thank you 💙 I do it all the time when I get nervous 🙈

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

He is feeling nervous? Him? Benjamin James Chilwell? What? And most importantly, why?

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

So, should I ask the team if they are up to it? Would you like to come to Cobham and have a tour?

Would you be my tour guide?

It'll be my honour Unless you have a favourite player and want him to do it instead 

He just said it would be an honour to do it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Am I your favourite player? 😏

No

Try to fix it now 😜 Anyway, I'll keep you updated, ok? 

Ok

😘😘 (Imagine they have a beard 🧔🏻)

😂😂🥰

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“Wow” I say, putting my phone down. “Just… wow.”

I just had a proper chat with Ben Chilwell. With the guy I've had a crush on since he played for Leicester. And we've flirted. Like, he called me beautiful. And he said he wanted to meet me. To see me in person. Me. 

And I didn't freak out. I mean, I did, but it didn't show. I think. It is easier to not do it through texts, but just look at him and his rambling. Who thought he would be like this when he usually looks so confident and sure of himself? When he definitely has a lot more experience on this than I do? And that photo he sent me? Dear lord. He is handsome. He's stupidly handsome. Gorgeous. He…

“I have to show the girls” I blurt out while grabbing my phone, quickly getting up from my bed and leaving my room.

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Ok, I have good news and bad news Which ones do you want first?

Bad 🫣

The Cobham visit isn't possible 😞 There are some things going on and… yeah 🫤

Shame 😞

The good news are really good news, tho Are you ready? 😏

Ready

Ok… How would you feel…  About…

Are you always this slow? 🙄

Just with good things that are worth going slow for 😏

Ben, you are making me nervous! 😩

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Because telling him that what he's actually doing is kind of turning me on just by thinking about what things he does that are worth going slow for, may be a bit too much, right?

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I'm sorry, I'm sorry So… How would you feel… About…

BENJAMIN!!

Ok, ok 😂 How would you feel about a guest appearance during our first game of the season at Stamford Bridge?  We are playing against Manchester City, it's gonna be a big one Hey Are you still there? Hello? Oh my God, I killed her Her heart couldn't take the news 💔 Jokes aside, are you ok? Why aren't you replying? Should I call someone? Did something happen?

Hi, sorry 

There you are 😮‍💨 What happened? Are you ok?

Yeah, yeah

I was just… processing 

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And maybe jumping on my bed after reading his message. 

Me being a guest appearance at Stamford Bridge? And during a Chelsea- Manchester City? That's… that's… I have no words to describe it.

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And what's the outcome of all that processing? 😅

Yes

Yes what? 🤨🤔

Yes, I want to go to the game and do a guest appearance and yes

Yes yes yes YES!!!!!

Ok, I think now I got it May need another yes, tho 😂

🙄

😜😜 Anyway  The team said they will give you a shirt with your name and then you'll take some photos, show the medal to everyone, do that first kick, maybe give a little interview for the team's social media… The usual And you are gonna be attending as my very special guest and will be sitting in my box 😏

Wait

With your family and friends?

Yeah Unless that makes you uncomfortable and you prefer to sit somewhere else I should have probably asked you before telling the team, shouldn't I? Urgh, I'm so stupid 🤦🏻‍♂️

No, no 

That's ok

Though one question…

Sure 

Am I allowed to take someone with me as a plus one? 

I would like for my dad to be there with me, he's the one who made me a Chelsea girl 🥹

Of course!  I'll discuss it with the team, but I don't think there will be any problem  Though I don't know how my plan for after the game would work if you have your dad there with you 🤔

Your plan? What plan? 🤨

I was planning on taking you out for dinner 🫣

You and I?

Yeah You and I A date 

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A date. A fucking date. I… asdfghjklñ.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

I'll think of something, don't worry 

Is that a yes to having dinner with me, then? 😏

It is, yes

Cool ☺️ Looking forward to it 😘🧔🏻 

Same 🥰

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“Bloody… hell” I whisper, putting down my phone after sending that last text.

I just said yes to going on a date with Ben Chilwell. And I'm gonna be a guest appearance at Stamford Bridge for the first game of the season. And my dad is gonna be there to watch it all. And after I'm going on a date with Ben Chilwell.

Bloody hell, indeed.

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“I can't believe we are here. Like… woah” my dad chuckles.

“Yeah…” I say.

We are at Stamford Bridge, and not in the stands like so many times before. We are in the tunnel waiting until they call me to go on the pitch, show my medal and kick that ball, hopefully not embarrassing myself in front of everyone and, of course, in front of Ben.

Right now he is chatting with the referee, stretching and laughing about something. And he hasn't shaved or touched his hair. 

He sent me a photo last night asking me if I liked how his beard looked, and I obviously told him that he looked perfect (which isn't too difficult) and that he should also keep his hair like that if it didn't bother him while playing. So there he is now, with his beard and his curls free of that bloody hair gel, looking gorgeous. 

“Miss? It's time” the Chelsea staff member who has accompanied us since we arrived says.

“Shit, ok. Ummm… thank you” I smile.

“You can do this, pickle” my dad says, putting his hands on my shoulders. “I mean, you've won a gold medal in front of the whole world, haven't you? This is nothing compared to that.”

“Or everything” I sigh.

“You can do this” he repeats, giving my shoulders an encouraging squeeze.

“Miss?”

“Yes, sorry. I can do this” I say, taking a deep breath and giving my dad a quick kiss on the cheek before following the staff member, the whole stadium cheering as the speaker announces my name.

Maybe I can't do this. Maybe I should go back inside, say I'm not feeling well. Maybe I… But then I see him. Ben.

He's standing in the middle of the pitch with the referee and Rúben Dias, Manchester City's captain today. Usually I would also give him a good look because… well. I have eyes and he is, you know. But right now those eyes can only focus on the person wearing the darker shade of blue, the one with a smile that makes my knees feel like jelly but that at the same time is what is making me walk and do what I'm supposed to. Like waving at the crowd and all that.

“Congratulations, miss” the referee says, shaking my hand. He is the bald one who looks like Iniesta according to my dad, can't remember his name.

“Thank you” I reply.

“Congratulations” Rúben Dias says next, also shaking my hand. 

“Thank you” I say, somehow managing to smile. And then…

“Congratulations… again” Ben chuckles, giving me a hug. “You look beautiful, by the way. Chelsea blue suits you” he whispers.

“Thank you” I mutter, my cheeks on fire when he moves and winks at me. 

Now this is the confident Ben Chilwell I'm used to, not he guy who starts rambling because he gets nervous while texting, which is something that still haven't been able to stop thinking about.

“Can you pose for some photos, please?” someone says behind me.

“Yes, of course” Ben says, his arm suddenly around my waist, moving me to stand between him and the referee.

“Big smiles…” the photographer says.

But I'm not able to focus my attention on him. I can only think about Ben's arm, about the way his thumb is moving on my back, kind of caressing it and trying to make me… I don't know, relax? But how can I relax when he is doing that? 

And then, when the referee moves so I am standing between him and Dias… Wow. I'm pretty sure there are many people out there who are wishing they were me right now. Though once again, I can only focus on Ben's arm, on how he has pulled me closer to him as if… Nah. It can't be. He can't be doing that because he is jealous of Dias, is he? He…

“Ok, we are done. Thank you” the photographer says, bringing me back to the real world.

“Time for that first kick” Ben says, definitely taking his time to move his arm from around my body. 

“When you are ready, miss” the referee says, putting the ball in front of me.

“Which way do I go?” I ask him.

“That way, towards the other Chelsea players.”

“You can do this, c'mon” Ben says with an encouraging smile. 

“Ok” I say, taking a deep breath and…

“That's it, well done!” he laughs, one of his teammates stopping the ball, the whole stadium cheering. 

“This way, miss” the staff member from earlier says.

“Yes, ummm… Nice to meet you” I say, giving a shy wave towards Dias and the referee, who reply with little nods. “Chilwell.”

“See you later” he winks. Again. How have I not tripped with my own feet after seeing that will remain a mystery.

“That was amazing, pickle!” my dad says when I join him on the tunnel.

“I just kicked a ball, dad.”

“Isn't that what they all do?” he laughs. “Anyway, let's go find our seats. I don't want to miss anything, and knowing that Haaland guy, he is able to score two goals in five minutes. Again.”

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“And… yeah. It was a good game. Still a lot of work to do, but it's just the first of the season.”

“Will we be seeing you again at Stamford Bridge?”

“My dad comes to all home games and some away ones, so I hope so” I smile.

“Looking forward to seeing you. And… we are done. Thank you very much for being so patient” the interviewer says. “You must be tired of giving interviews.”

“For my beloved Chelsea I have all the time in the world” I chuckle. “Thank you for having me.”

“Well done, pickle” my dad smiles when I join him.

“Dad, can you please stop calling me that in front of strangers?” I say, looking around. 

“Why? It is your nickname.”

“Yeah, but… it's something for family only.”

“Chelsea are our family” he says. “And speaking of that, I should probably get going if I want to make it home for dinner with your mum. Where are you meeting with the girls?”

“At the restaurant. I already have a car ready to come pick me up.”

That had been the excuse I had come up with to stay for a bit longer at Stamford Bridge before meeting with Ben for our date. Our date. I still can't believe I am going on a date with Ben fucking…

“Chilwell!” my dad suddenly says.

“What?” I say, turning around.

“Hello” Ben says with his best smile as he walks towards us. 

“Look, pickle. It's Ben Chilwell!”

“I know, dad” I say, feeling my face on fire. 

“She's a big fan of yours, you know? She even has a poster of you in her room.”

“Dad!” I gasp.

“What? It's the truth, isn't it?” he shrugs. “You look better in the picture she has, tho. What is with all that?” he says, touching his face.

“My beard?” Ben says, running a hand through it and making me want to do the same, something that doesn't help with the current temperature of my face.

“Yeah. You are in need of a shave, son.”

“We'll see” he smiles. “Did you enjoy the game? Was everything ok with your seats?”

“It was perfect” my dad says, not allowing me to talk. “We actually sat next to your mum and your sister!”

“Did you?” Ben says, acting as if he was surprised. Because my dad thinks it was Chelsea's idea to invite us here tonight, not just Ben's. How do I explain to him that I had slid into his dms and that he had suggested it after some flirting?

“We did. You have a lovely family.”

“Thank you” Ben smiles. “Anyway, I came here hoping to catch you and get a pic just the two of us, maybe see that medal up close?” he says, looking my way.

“Oh, yes. Of course” I say, finally being able to be part of the conversation.

“Cool. Rob, hey!” he says, calling for the photographer who had been with us the whole day. “Would you mind taking some photos of us together? Maybe some with my phone too?”

“Of course” the photographer says.

And while we get ready for those photos, guess what happens again?Yes, Ben puts his arm around my waist, that thumb back to its previous shenanigans and to sending waves of heat all over my body.

“May I get one too?” my dad says when we are almost done.

“It'll be my pleasure” Ben says with his best smile while I just pray for this torture to end soon. And with torture I'm not only talking about having Ben that close and everything he is making me feel. I'm also talking about my dad saying things he shouldn't and embarrassing me in front of him.

“Are we done now?” I ask.

“Why such a hurry?” my dad chuckles. “You aren't meeting with the girls until later, are you?” 

“I'm not, no. But Ben probably has plans with his friends and family, and I don't want you getting home too late. Especially when mum is waiting and you are carrying this” I say, taking off my medal.

“Wait… Can I… Ummm… Can I touch it?” Ben asks me.

“Oh, yes, sure.”

“Thank you” he says, smiling like a little kid on Christmas morning. He looks so happy. “This is amazing, isn't it? So cool. Wow.”

“You've already won some of those yourself, son” my dad chuckles.

“I have. But none of those are as big as an Olympic gold medal. I mean, the Champions League is quite big, don't get me wrong. But this one is just…” he says, inspecting the medal as if it was the most wonderful thing he had ever seen, somehow making me… emotional? What? “Thank you very much for letting me hold it. It means a lot” he says, giving it back to me.

“Don't you want a photo with it too?” my dad asks him.

“There is no need. But thank you, sir.”

“Well, then I better get going. May I?”

“Uh?” I say, being brought back into the real world once again after my dad stops whatever was going on between me and Ben after he had handed me back my medal and our fingers had touched, our eyes getting locked on each other's. 

“The medal, pickle” he chuckles.

“Oh, yes, sure. Sorry.”

“Chilwell, will you keep an eye on my girl until she has to go? I know she is in good hands with you, our vice captain! Or captain like happened tonight.”

“I will, don't worry” Ben says, giving my dad his best smile. If only he knew…

“Great. Don't forget to text us, ok?” he says, kissing my cheek.

“I won't. Love you, dad.”

“Love you too” he says before waving goodbye, walking down the tunnel and already in deep conversation with the staff member who has helped us throughout the day.

“You have a really nice dad… pickle” Ben smirks.

“Oh my God” I say, covering my face with my hands. “I can't believe you heard that.”

“Why? It's cute.”

“It isn't. It's embarrassing.”

“It's cute” he says, his hands suddenly on mine, moving them from my face and making me look at him. “Hi” he smiles.

“Hi” I whisper. 

“Did you really enjoy today?” 

“Yeah” I nod. 

“Do you want a tour of the stadium?”

“Now?”

“Now. Perks of being Chelsea's vice captain, or captain tonight like your dad said” he says.

“I… umm…”

“C'mon, say yes… pickle” Ben says with a teasing smile.

“I swear to God, Chilwell. If you call me that again, I'm leaving.”

“What? No, no, no, no. I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry" he apologizes, the way he is looking at me making my heart sink. "I won't say it again, I promise.”

“Thank you. And I'm sorry if that came out too… harsh. Too many emotions today.”

“I get it, don't worry. And again, I'm sorry” he says, that thumb back to caressing me. Though this time you could say it is even worse, because there is no fabric between it and my skin since he still has his hands on mine.

“Yeah, ummm… I think we should start with that tour before they close the stadium with us inside.”

“We should, yes” he says, his smile coming back and making my heart skip a beat. “Let's go” he says, letting go of one of my hands but still holding the other, interlacing our fingers except for one. That one. 

Because as he walks me down the tunnel and starts telling me all the details about the stadium, that thumb is constantly moving over my skin. And even though at first I feel like it is burning where he is touching me, after a while I stop noticing it and it feels like what I guess he was looking for since the beginning. Like something natural, something comforting. Something even… intimate, just between him and I.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

“Ben?”

“Yeah?” he says, turning to look at me as I stop walking.

“Why are we back in the tunnel?” 

“The… Oh, yes… Umm…” he says, running his free hand through his hair. Because yes, you guessed it. The other still is holding mine. 

He didn't let go of me as he showed me around the stadium and told me anecdotes about the building that I didn't know about or about things that had happened to the team since he joined them, all while sharing little moments that go from shy smiles to loud laughs that would have definitely made people give us a weird look if we hadn't been alone, and everything in between. At times he even started rambling like when we were texting, the cheekiness and confidence disappearing and his nerves taking over him like it is happening right now.

“I have a surprise for you.”

“What?”

“Come” he says, giving my hand a little squeeze and starting to go up the stairs that lead to the pitch.

Most of the lights have been turned off and only a couple are still on, lightning one spot in the grass. One where there is something that looks like… 

“Ben, is that… Is that what I think it is?” I ask him, stopping as we set foot on the pitch.

“If you are thinking about a picnic, it is, yes” he smiles before moving to stand behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his chin on my shoulder. “My original idea was to go to a nice restaurant, but then I thought that if we didn't want to have to worry about someone recognising us and going to the press, we would have to go to one of the most exclusive ones and I wanted something more chilled for our first date. So I started thinking about different options, checked Instagram for some inspo, and came up with this.”

“Ben, I… I… I don't know what to say. I…” I mumble.

“Do you like it?”

“I do” I say, moving in his arms to face him, not expecting to end up being so close to him. To have my chest against his as I rest my hands on his arms (or his biceps to be more precise), our noses almost touching. We are so close, that I can see his freckles perfectly. So close, that just by moving a tiny bit I could kiss him if I had the guts to do it. “I love it, Ben.”

“Thank God” he says, letting out a big sigh and making us both laugh. “In case my rambling hadn't given it away, I was so nervous about this... About you not liking it... I thought that maybe it was too much, but since you have been a Chelsea girl literally since the day you were born… I don't know” he shrugs.

“It's perfect, so no need to be nervous anymore” I smile.

"Easier said than done" he chuckles.

"Uh?"

"In case you haven't noticed, you make me nervous" he says, caressing my cheek. "But in a good way."

"I... umm..." I mumble, feeling my whole face on fire. "Is this picnic the reason why you texted me the other day asking me what kind of food I Iike?” I asking, trying to change the topic of conversation.

“Yep” he says. “Who knew I wasn't the only person in this country who hadn't had Chinese yet.”

“I honestly don't understand why people made such a fuss about it” I shrug.

“Well, you are about to find out” Ben says, taking my hand again and leading me towards our little picnic set. 

“Is that… Is that a Chelsea blanket?” I laugh.

“And a Chelsea picnic basket and cutlery. Look” he says, opening it. “I had no idea they sold such random things in the gift shop” he laughs.

“Oh, this is nothing compared to what other teams sell.”

“Like?”

“I've seen a West Ham garter.”

“What?” he laughs again.

“Yeah” I shrug. “Anyway, should we sit down? Something smells really good and I can't wait to find out what it is.”

“Of course. My lady” Ben smiles, helping me sit down and making me giggle.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

“Don't tell your friends, but I still don't understand why the fuss about Chinese food.”

“Says the person currently licking her fingers after not leaving anything on her plate” Ben laughs.

“I was hungry” I shrug.

“Sure.”

“I was” I insist.

“And I said sure” he says with a teasing smile. “Are you still hungry for some dessert, tho?”

“Always.”

“Then get ready for the best tiramisu you've ever tasted.”

“Tiramisu after Chinese food?” I chuckle.

“Why not? And this is homemade.”

“Made by who? You?” I tease him.

“Nope. My mum.”

“Your mum made us tiramisu?"

"She made me tiramusi. She has no idea we are here together right now. Like your dad, she also thinks I am having dinner with my mates" he smiles. "And here” Ben says, offering me a spoon full of tiramisu. “Open your mouth.”

“What?”

“C'mon” he says, trying really hard to not smirk. “You are gonna love it, you'll see.”

“Ok” I say, leaning forward and doing as he says. 

“And?”

“Of my gof!”

“What?” he laughs.

“Oh my God, Ben. This is amazing!” I say again once I've managed to swallow.

“Told you” he says with a cheeky smile. “But you…” 

“Uh?”

“You have something… Let me...” he says, moving on the blanket even closer than we already are, one hand holding my face by my chin while the thumb of the other (yes, that thumb) moves over my lower lip, making me gasp. “There, perfect” he smiles.

“Thank you” I manage to say, none of us moving a single centimetre, his hand still on my face. It's like the world has stopped, like it is just me and him. And then…

“May I kiss you?” he whispers.

“Please” I whisper back before it finally happens. No more imagining how it is to feel those glorious lips of his on mine. Now it is actually happening, and it is… it is… Wow. Just wow. “Did it tickle you?”

“Uh?”

“My beard. Did it tickle you like all those girls have said?” Ben says against my lips.

“I already told you that those girls know nothing, Benjamin. But…” I say, finally making my dream of touching his beard a reality.

“But?” he asks.

“I think we should keep kissing to be sure they just talk bullshit.”

“Ok” he laughs. "May I kiss you again, then?"

"You may" I smile before he kisses me again, proving that, indeed, those girls know nothing. 

[unluckyhoneybee]

All the pretty girls Pt2. (Pyotr Kochetkov)

After all the drama, Pyotr was finally with you and he wanted everything. Smut. Continuation of : All the pretty girls Note: this has sat on my drafts for so long I can't even remember who asked for this. I hope you like it! Warnings: +18. Penetrative sex (p in v), oral (f receiving)

His back muscles moved as he worked in the kitchen. The Canes sweats he wore hung low on his hips. Being used to see him with baggy clothes or his equipment, you were a bit taken aback. It was instantly when your pulse increased and your throat ran dry.

"Hi"

Pyotr turned around fast. Caught in the act. "Hi" He said. Sweat formed on his forehead when he took in your apearence. How were you his now?

"What are you doing?" You walked slowly on his direction and he got nervous.

"Cereal" He said. "For you in bed"

Butterflies filled your belly. Just like when you visited him in Chicago that night and he tried to cook pancakes. It was a complete failure.

"Better than pancakes?"

Pyotr rolled his eyes.

"You try next time"

You nodded in response and took another step. There was a mark on his neck, you remembered leaving it last night. Warmth filled your belly. You had made love in the sofa last night. It had been quick and awkward, both of you too desperate to feel the other to care about anything else. As you had told him, you had all the time now. It had been intense but short and both of you got knocked out as soon as you laid on the bed. But still, you couldn't believe you had felt him like that. He hadn't been shy while pushing his hands under your clothes, or while toying with your underwear. Words hadn't been needed, the lenguage wasn't a problem then, Pyotr only needed to whisper your name and you exactly knew what he needed from you.

Pyotr was looking down at you. His clothes were huge on you, the sleeves too long and the shoulders too wide. He could see your cleavage and shoulders a bit. He just wanted to dive in and take a bite. But maybe you should have breakfast first.

You leaned on his side and hugged his waist with one arm. It was incredible to feel his body react to you. Pyotr wrapped one arm around your shoulders only so he could bring you close. A sweet kiss in your forehead and he spoke.

"Grab cereal, please?"

"Of course. But before..." You got in your tiptoes and kissed his lips. "Good morning"

"Good morning" He said groggily.

You let go of him and picked the bowls. But Pyotr couldn't contain himself and slapped your ass. You gasped and looked at him with big eyes. He shrugged and you laughed in response.

"You are lucky I love you" You whispered. Surprisingly, he caught every single word. Wow. "Hey, babe?"

"Mmm, yes" He quickly grabbed some milk and spoons and sat on the small kitchen table. It was small enough for your legs to touch, but you didn't care. Intantly, your legs were over his lap and Pyotr had a cute blush on his cheeks. He would need a couple of days to come to terms with all of this. Wanting it for so long, it was kind of unbelievable to be like this with you. On your side, it was as if you had lost all the restraints. You always wanted to be this close, to pinch his cheeks, to kiss his lips, to hug him, to sit on him... Now that you could, you wouldn't stop.

Like always, Pyotr set his phone on the table, translator on and ready to help.

"I talk to Andrei"

You frowned a bit.

"Today"

"Oh, again?"

He nodded.

"Uh... I want... Uh..." He shook his head and tyoed on the phone. Then he showed you so you would tell him how to pronounce. That's how you worked and he loved it.

"Advice" A little smile tugged on your lips.

"Advice. Good?"

"Yeah. About what?"

He chuckled and pointed at you. "About me? Why?"

He wrote again and read. "I want to take you out on a date" Slow and clumsy, he pronounced every word on thick accent. "Good?"

"I'd love to go on a date with you"

He looked down at the phone and smiled when the translation appeared.

"Andrei say restaurant to me"

You arched a brow. "Which one?"

He zipped his lips while smiling.

"You teach more English, yes?"

"Of course, sweetheart"

Pyotr had quickly learnt what those little words meant. He had to ask Andrei a couple of times at the beginning and it was so embarrassing to discover it that way because Andrei would always wiggle his eyebrows at him or mockingly call him by your cute nicknames at practice.

"I want to learn Russian too, you know?" You told him. He looked down at the translator and his eyes opened so big.

"Yes?"

"Mhm"

He grabbed your chin and gave you a kiss. Well, you could call him a kiss. He slammed his mouth against yours, his lips swallowing a surprised moan from you. Pyotr was feeling all kind of overwhelming things, maybe because of the shock from last night or maybe because of the exciment of finally having you. And it showed on the kiss. You had a hard time keeping up. So you pressed your thumb on his lips and pulled back only a couple of centimeters.

"What do you want?" You whispered. His beautiful eyes stared at you for long seconds.

"You"

"You have me"

"I know" He nodded, his forehead lovingly nudging yours. "You mine"

"I'm yours" You assured him and gave him a deeper but slower kiss. Damn the cereal, you thought. It can definitely wait.

You got up but barely parted from him, only when he moved back to look at you. Last night, in the middle of the hurry, you had barely taken time to undress. Your shirt stayed on, his trousers stayed on, you didn't remember much more, only that you almost didn't got a peak. So you grabbed the edge of your his hoodie and slowly pulled it up.

Pyotr watched you open mouthed. He had felt you, touched you in any way you let him, but what he had imagined had nothing to do with this. With his English completely forgotten, he spoke Russian, which you didn't understand. So the moment came to halt for a second. "You are the most beautiful woman in the world" He read from his phone after typing exactly what he had said. He wouldn't need to memorize those words like others. He would remember just by picturing how you smiled when you heard him.

You cupped his cheeks and kissed him again, slow, deep, wet, Pyotr was starting to love it. You both had a great contrast. He was more impulsive, more needy. You liked to take it slow. He had his moment last night. He had taken you apart in what felt like a couple of seconds (not that you complained). Now it was your turn.

Pyotr pushed his chair away from the table to give you space right between his knees. He guided you there, bringing you closer while his eyes took in your naked torso. Could he just lean and kiss you and did he need to ask? How could he ask? He didn't want to grab the phone now.

"You are so handsome" You whispered and cupped his cheeks. He looked up and swallowed. "I love your eyes" There was something in you pushing you to speak, to tell him all of that, to let him know how much you adored him. You didn't want him to feel insecure or to think you'd be better with someone else. "And your nose" Your thumb caressed the straight bridge of his nose, then it moved to his cheek right under his eye. He sighed and closed them for a second. Your hand was so warm and soft on his skin. "And your lips" You parted his lips with your thumb and his tongue brushed it softly. Pump and rosy from the kisses, they looked so delicious. You leaned closer and kicked into his mouth. Pyotr felt delirious, his fingers were probably leaving prints in your thighs. His mouth tried to catch yours when you pulled back, which made you smile and him groan. "I'm so lucky to have you. I can't believe I have you" you slid your finger on his mouth and Pyotr whined. "Are you mine?" You spoke slow and clear, making sure he could understand every single word. He eagerly nodded. "Are you?"

Your heart was beating so hard, he was so responsive to you. It was clear that Pyotr would do anything you asked him to do.

"Yours"

"Mine" Finally you kissed him. Immediately, his mouth responded to yours, kissing back just as deep and passionately.

Pyotr needed more, he wanted you already, he wanted you to do something. His fingers eagerly pulled down your trousers. You stepped out of them. You stood there, completely bare and shaking in excitement. Pyotr was watching you with his mouth agape and a hard on hidden on his grey sweatpants.

"Perfect" he laid his hand on your belly and you started shaking. His long and warm fingers moved up slowly as a cheeky grin grew on his lips. Pyotr was the one who, with barely touching you, was making your knees buckle and he was so proud of it. "You want me"

You nodded and bit your lip and he kept going up. His right hand found the curve of your breast and his left your lower back. In a sift movement, he brought you close and caged you with his arm. You laid your hands on his shoulders and your breath turned quicker and deeper.

Pyotr's eyes were on your skin. There were little marks here and there and goosebumps all over the place. He had discovered only a minute ago that you were ticklish right were he was touching you. Your body reacted different. He could point where you were slightly more sensitive. He just wanted to play and use it on his favour.

His thumb moved over the invisible line right under your breast. But you were the impatient one this time. With your fingers on the back of his neck you pulled him closer to your chest and his mouth opened for you. Warm and wet, he wrapped his lips around your nipple.

"Oh, Pyotr" You gasped loudly and he groaned.

Eagerly, the goalie pulled you to his lap and kept you impossibly close to him, with your back straight and your breast right were he could reach them. Perfectly shaped and soft, Pyotr planned on giving them the attention they deserved.

The bulge in his trousers pressed right on your naked core and you moaned. But Pyotr didn't care. He was busy mouthing at your breast, bitting at your sensitive nipples and sucking with his lips until they got impossibly hard. The more he did, the better it felt. Wet from his saliva, it was so easy to roll them with his fingers. And all the stimulation was pooling on your lower belly and shooting pleasure waves right to your clit.

"P, baby... I can't..." Because as sensitive you were, it had never been enough to come undone this way. It only made you a dripping mess right between your legs, were you needed him the most.

But again, he didn't pay much attention. Instead, he palmed at your breast giving softness with one hand while he bit your nipple and pulled on the other. A choked moan broke out of your chest, your head hanging back and your hips pressing harder into his. "Please, please, please"

"What?" He looked up and carefully (the last thing he wanted was to hurt you) he gave your nipple a soft smack. Another pretty sound left your lips and you desperately looked down at him. Your hands, that were cupping the back of his neck, traveled quickly downwards.

"You want what, baby? Say to me" He bit the soft flesh of your boob hard enough to print his lips there and you felt the air leaving your lungs.

"You" You said and grabbed his face with one hand. "I have waited for so long to have you, Pyotr..." He thanked his most recent lessons for being able to catch most of what you said. "So long" You pulled his trousers enough to free him. No underwear. It made you smile.

He lifted you enough so he could push them half way on his thighs. "Better" then he reached his pocket and pulled a condom out.

You chuckled in disbelief. "I will fuck you in all house" He whispered while staring into your eyes. It gave shivers to your already shaken body. Pyotr put the condom on and help you move right above his hips.

"Slow, okay?" You said before kissing him.

"Okay" He whispered back between kisses.

You hugged his shoulders with one arm and pushed your forehead against his. Then, you started to slide him in. Pyotr groaned and bit his lip with that first touch, you closed your eyes tight and tried to breathe through your nose. "Oh babe" You whined. You tried to move, you circled your hips and slowly moved up and down. It was torture for both of you but it took you a bit until you could completely sink in. "Pyotr... Oh god... Y-you are so big" You desperately said as you finally could move freely.

"Yes..." He nodded quickly, he didn't know how to express what he was feeling, he just hoped you could feel it. So he kissed you deeply and grabbed you by your hips and ass cheeks. You were moving slowly, he was thrusting up to you. You could feel him everywhere and his kisses were more intense than ever. You mouthed and bit his shoulders with some newfound hunger.

"Perfect" He groaned against your cheek before gently biting you there.

Maybe it was because you were so in love with him, or the deep connection you two had, but you felt everything in a consuming way. You wanted to cry and grab into him to never let go, you wanted to give in and allow him to do whatever he wanted.

"more, need more" He panted. "Please, give me more" He begged. With those big brown eyes looking at you. You whimpered. But Pyotr was big and your legs felt like jelly.

Your fingers gripped his shoulder and the back of his head and the groan that escaped his lips was so delicious you had to kiss him. He could feel you needed some help, so he grabbed handfuls of your ass to help your moves (not that he complained).

You moaned loudly at the quicker pace. But for Pyotr, it wasn't enough. He grabbed you and a second later you were on the table. You gasped loudly and gripped his arm. "P"

"I have you" He said with a soft smile and slid back in you. Your eyes rolled back with the new angle and he chuckled. "You like it"

"I love it, I love you" You panted with big doe eyes. "Fuck"

Now Pyotr was in charge, now he could do as he pleased. But he was determined to make you enjoy and remember this for a long time. He pushed you back and you lay on the cold surface. You were a goddess, he was so sure of it now. He must have been a good man if the universe had sent you to him. While his hips moved slowly, very different from what he had begged for, his hand crawled its way up from your belly to the valley of your breast and then your neck. Your breath hitched for a second and you closed your eyes when he put some pressure in there. But then he kept moving and with a particularly hard thrust, Pyotr let his thumb slide in your mouth. You looked into his eyes as your lip wrapped around his finger. There were sweat beads on his forehead and chest. He was flustered and his hair was falling around his face. It was unreal. So you sucked his finger, you did just as you would suck him, swirling your tongue around and teasing with your lips. And Pyotr lost it.

A soft pop sounded when he pulled it from your mouth and it was followed by a moan when he started rubbing circles in your clit. Your legs shook around his waist and your hand flew to your breast. Laying on the table like that, Pyotr took mental notes of how you looked.

"Good? Feel good, yeah?"

"So good"

Now he was quicker. He was trying to reach all the pleasure you gave him. He was on cloud nine with you around him, his hands on your hips and your eyes on his. And he knew he wouldn't last much longer but he didn't care when you looked like you were fallen apart in a desperate need for more, more pleasure, more Pyotr.

That was exactly how you felt, with the climax right there, the pleasure so high but yet not enough.

Pyotr felt it, hard and like lightning, he came undone without warning. More vocal than ever, his hips thrust harder while you desperately scratched his abdomen. Don´t leave me like this, please. Your eyes said. But for a few seconds, he was blinded by the intense pleasure over his body. He barely heard your cries, "Please, please, please" You begged.

"Yes, yes" He said.

His legs thanked him when he knelt in front of you, they could barely keep him upwards after that. Not giving you enough time to process anything, he dived in between your legs.

You sat so you could see him. His eyes were closed and was simply giving you everything he had. It made your head spin. Vibrations were sent over you every time you ran your fingers through his hair. With all the passion he put in, he made you come with his mouth in only a couple of minutes, bringing you closer to the edge of the table and his face to get the last taste until it became unbearable.

Shaking and grabbing into him the best you could, you cried in pleasure until you had actual tears in your eyes. "Stop, stop" You said pushing him away.

Pyotr sat back on his heels and looked at you. You were shaking, he didn't know if it was cold or everything else. You had bite marks on your chest and shoulders, they would probably fade, but he was proud for now. Your chest was heaving slowly with deep breaths.

"I love you" He simply said as if he didn't look like a tornado had run over him. His hair was so messy and his skin so pink and sweaty.

You laughed in disbelief. "I love you too, P"

He grabbed your ankle and leaned closer to leave a warm and soft kiss on your leg. You caressed his cheek with bright eyes.

Then he tried to get up and groaned when all his muscles complained. You giggled.

"You try walk and I laugh then" He said pointing at you with irony in his voice. You laughed and flipped him off.

He threw the condom to the bin and then came to help you down the table, giving you a look when you huffed. "This is all your fault"

He frowned. "Fault?"

"You made this, Pyotr!" You exclaimed with fake annoyance.

"Oh yes, I did" He said chuckling, but then he pulled you close and kissed the top of your head. "You will be fine"

You kissed his chest and nodded. "Shower?" You suggested.

"Yes please" He giggled and reached to your hair. "You have cereal"

With that, you both started laughing, pure happiness floating in the room for being finally together. After waiting so long, he finally had the girl of his dreams.

[ajortga]

shes a shooting star

pairing: vada cavell x fem reader

a/n: this is a request story for @czalzver and i had time today so i wrote this vada little story up, this was so cute! thank u for ur request!

for anyone who's wondering, i'm still writing lead pt.2 so i'll get that out soon!

-

A soft hum of music was playing gently in the speakers of Vada's car. It was dark, your eyes were closed and you snored peacefully as you rested on the passenger seat.

Vada snuck small glances at you as she drove across the road, a small smile forming on her lips as your breaths filled the symphony of the car.

-

Since Vada could remember, you loved the stars, the constellations that filled the night sky with the small sparkles fascinated you. You used to go with your mother who had taken you every month to your hometown.

Now things were different. You were older now and you weren't in your hometown, the stars didn't shine as brightly as they used to from where you're at.

Vada noticed your talks about stars, you seemed to have a soft spot for stars, or anything related to astronomy at all.

So she decided she would grant your wish when she overheard your whispers when a shooting star shone across the night sky one day.

-

The car began to come to a stop, the soft light of lanterns leading the pathway to the grassy field in the breezy dawn night.

The car stopped, Vada looked over to you, in a deep sleep as she nudged your shoulder, unbuckling her seatbelt to lean across the passenger seat, kissing your nose.

She cupped your ear, a soft whisper sounding in your ear. "Y/N, we're here my love. Open your eyes silly."

You shifted a little, your eyes fluttering open to see Vada, it was dark, but her warm eyes never failed to glisten.

She smiled at your small stir, "I want to show you my appreciation, to finally let you experience a hidden memory long ago, come on, let's see the stars."

You rubbed your eyes, exhaling a small yawn as she giggled, opening the car door for you as if you were a princess.

Well, you were, in her eyes.

A tired grin twitched on your lips, your small dimples showing. It made her feet wobble every time as you took her hand and walked out the car.

A comfortable silence was met between you and Vada, your hands intertwined as you walked down the road, the rocks and dirt crunching each step you took.

The trees blocked the sky until you could see more lanterns appearing as the chatters of people came into sense, the cold breeze blowing gently against your short-sleeve shirt.

"I can't believe you drove me two hours to go here," you whisper, placing a soft peck to her lips as she smiles back, showing gratitude.

"You know I would do anything, if it meant swimming across the Atlantic ocean to see you smile, and I know how much this means to you- oh.."

"wow.." you both whispered at the same time as the sky shifted into view, the trees behind you.

It was.. So pretty.

You couldn't come up with any words that could describe this view.

It was just as nostalgic and memorable as you could remember. A string of millions of stars dancing in the moonlight, it was something that night could never do alone.

The stars shone to light the night, the brightest light to admire dawn besides the campfire you sat at, your body snuggled against hers.

"You used to tell me how much you loved to go star watching at night when you were seven. You told me that it was the greatest view you might have ever landed eyes on. I think you were right," she whispered as the fire crackled and sparked, causing her eyes to brighten.

A ribbon of blue purple white and yellow mixing together at dawn, you felt grateful, a sense of nostalgia washing over you as you pointed.

"Do you see those lines of stars that shine just a little more brightly than the others?" You whispered, Vada's eyes aligning with the tip of your finger, she nodded.

"That's Orion," you whisper, "It's one of the most visible when you go stargazing."

The aura of the light slightly shone as Vada hugged you, kissing your forehead, "So, you were an astronomy nerd?"

You gigged in response, thoughtfully, "I guess you could say that," as you continued to watch the stars.

-

The stars were like your best friend when you were younger.

Ever since you were little, your parents knew that you were a shy soul, nimble footsteps away whenever a child approached you, stuttery quiet words, even though you were the best speller in class.

You were sweet, pretty, not the nerdy quiet kids, just a humble, sweet and quiet little girl who gave shy nods whenever a teacher asked you if you wanted a snack at the playground.

You sat alone at lunch, besides the boys who attempted to approach you every two days to try and talk to you, you just hid away, mumbling apologies with a small smile.

No one talked bad or talked about you, and you were grateful.

But you needed someone to talk to that made you feel comfort.

As much as you wish your family did, they just couldn't always understand.

So when night gathered, you would open your curtains and step out the balcony, climbing on to the roof.

On some nights, the moon was there, you could barely see Saturn at some times to.

But the stars were always there.

You didn't know why, but your best friend were the stars.

You just couldn't figure out why.

They were so small, yet you could see them, all the visible stars were spread out.

That was like you, just a little girl who was away from others, even when they saw her.

Maybe it was because even when you were alone at night, it was always assured at least one star would be shining.

Eager to listen. That's what you needed.

Someone to talk to and just listen, nothing else, no talking no advice.

Just listening and letting you know that it was going to be okay.

..

Still years later, you weren't so alone anymore, but you weren't going to leave something that has been with you for so long and has never abandoned you.

It was weird to say, but stars were still something..

Someone you could rely on, it was there when no one was.

That's what you thought, until you met Vada.

-

You had brought a telescope, it wasn't old, but you had it since your mother had gave it to you when you were eight, every month when you were younger, you would take it with you and she would have to carry it because you were too small to be able to carry such a heavy object.

Now you were older, you carried it with ease and it reminded you how much you've come along the way. Your mother had seen you grow and because of your distance, you and her could never stay long to watch the stars together. Even if you did, you know it wouldn't have been the same feeling as when you were seven.

But what you were experiencing now was close enough. As if you were experiencing being a little kid again.

Vada always had the ability to make you feel like that, like you were the only girl in the world.

You positioned your telescope to the horizon, your knees bending down as you smiled, the telescope placing right where you wanted it to be.

You pulled away, your hand gently taking Vada's wrist, "Come here."

She carefully stood as the breeze began to blow a little harder, your hands around her waist. Her eyes focused on the small telescope, squinting.

"That's Saturn, it's small but when you see it up close, its rings enchant you. Okay.. Now slowly move the telescope to the right and lift it up diagonally."

You kissed her forehead, her hand wrapped around yours, "I see the moon," she whispered softly.

The breeze roars gently once again, making you shiver, especially in thin clothing like this.

Vada notices, takes off her jacket immediately and drapes it gently over your shoulders, giving the top of your head a little nose nuzzle.

You wrap her warm jacket around you, it fit you perfectly, like it was made for you, oversized, the way you love it. It smells just like her, her slightly sweet scent with gentle musk invading your senses in just the right way.

Warmness swept through you like waves crashing on the sand.

How could Vada's belongings share more warmth than a big campfire?

"Isn't it just so pretty?" You whispered, watching the sky with so much love and captivation.

"Your eyes remind me of the night sky," Vada says with a sing-song voice. "If you're not near, I turn to the stars and moon. Because I love you to the moon and back."

"I love you too." You whisper, your voice marked with sincerity as she kisses you, presses her body against yours.

Vada could swear your eyes sparkled as brightly as the shiniest star that night.

[devine-fem]

Do u ever think about leaving the dc fandom because of all the toxic ship behavior and harassment over fictional characters. no one’s allowed to enjoy anything because people like to shit on things they don’t like ruining it for the people that want 2 enjoy it

no, it was more so that i thought when being in fandom, it was and is not good for my mental health to feel like i need to constantly be on gaurd and fighting with someone.

my biggest thing right now is when people fight over canon ships vs fanon ships.

(random example) lets say we put dickbabs against birdflash. dickbabs has been canon at one point, its actually in a position to actually be criticized because its canon, then people may have criticism and actually constructive criticism with how dc writers had dealt with it and wrote it. meanwhile birdflash is entirely an idea, its never been canon and wally and dick never have dated. when you say “dickbabs takes away from barbara’s character” it will never have the same weight as “birdflash takes away from wally’s character” remind me how it actually took away from wally’s character when it never existed?

then when its fanon ship vs fanon ship, i’m sitting there like wow, its actually like punching the air. take a step back and look at how small and meaningless the actions of this fandom are.

(same example) even if you hate birdflash for how its dealt with in fandom and fanon then even then from person to person, their experience with birdflash may be entirely different. you could never generalize that group of people accurately. generalizing people is only a helpful tool for people that are hateful.

remember that you can complain about ships grossing you out or not being your cup of tea but do that where someone who likes it can't see you. and even more importantly remember to be constructive about how that ship is actually dealt with in fandom and before you open your mouth. make sure you’re not thinking “how do i be as hateful as possible” or “how am i going to be different today” or “i want people to like me” or “strangers on the internet definitely deserve to feel like they’re doing something wrong whenever they indulge in something they like”-

because they don’t. remember that when you attack someone online for something fictional, that’s when it stops being fictional, that’s when it’s actually hurting and harrassing someone, someone real, and someone who can internalize your words for the worst. someone who could very well be a sixteen year old girl (random example) who’s going to be worse off now that you’ve said what you just said.

i strongly do not believe that no matter how bad, abusive, toxic, gross or disturbing a ship is or i may personally think it is, that still doesn’t make you a bad person by shipping it, but to the people who think they are entitled enough to hurt people, do YOU think YOU’RE a good person?

[starboybutler]

Chasing Cars

ao3 link

summary: bucky can't find a reason to get out of bed anymore. gale comes to him one night, and he's reminded of why he's fighting.

word count: 6451

warnings: bucky's crumbling mental health, gale's crumbling mental health, curt's death, slight eating disorders, depressive episodes, smut towards the end

notes: wow this was supposed to be pure smut but i accidentally plotted on my porn because i felt like being sad. oh well have this kinda character study thing i wrote purely on a whim

bucky hadn't left the bed.

he couldn't find a reason to. the rest of the men were outside, gathering wood. training, doing god knows what else to prepare for a plan that would never play out. after some brits had made their escape attempt, the amount of german pricks on duty almost doubled. that, and morale had pretty much gone down after they had said the captured escapees were executed. no one even wanted to make an attempt anymore.

they could talk about escape all they wanted to– it would never happen. they would try, fail, get shot, and get buried somewhere on enemy territory. hell, odds were good that if they waited it out the same thing would happen. so why bother?

he had been staring at the wooden slats of the bunk above him for about an hour, now. this felt familiar, at least. as he lay here, he could pretend he was back in base between missions, talking to curt about whatever was going on in their muddled brains.

“it was a close one today. don't want anymore missions like that for a while.”

“that's just how it is, bucky. they’ll only get tougher, y’know. but i think we got it.”

“yeah?”

“yeah. i’ll be tellin’ my grandkids about this one day, y’know. don't seem like it now, but i promise it’ll be a distant memory soon.”

always so optimistic. that was one of the last late-night conversations he had ever had with curt before he went down. he never even got to say goodbye to him. he’ll never forget the pure dread he felt when he asked buck about him, and he didn't have an answer.

sure, bucky could have believed he was alive with every fiber of his being, but that didn't change the fact that curt was dead, crashed somewhere over unknown territory, most likely to never be found.

so much pain, so much death. and for what, he would wonder. what was he really fighting for anymore?

“hey,”

a soft, low voice, like honey. all too familiar.

he looked up, faced with gale, who was just about the only friend he had left at this point. even then, he felt as if buck was slipping from his grasp at times. tensions were high, and he had yelled at him more than he would like to admit.

just yesterday, they got into it outside. john was at fault, he absolutely deserved the punch to the face gale gave him, but neither of them had spoken to one another afterwards. john was never good witth apologies.

“hey,” he said back, the bruise on his cheek left by the blonde throbbing dully as he made eye contact with him for the first time since their scuffle.

“you just gonna lay here all day?” gale asked, his tone not angry or accusatory– just soft and genuinely curious, laced with just a tinge of worry.

“that's the plan,” he replied, shrugging. “nothin’ else to do. unless you wanna punch me again.”

gale stiffened a bit, his lips twitching as if he were trying to find the right thing to say, before he just sighed heavily.

“i’m worried about you.”

bucky shut his eyes, a sigh of his own escaping his chest.

“i know.”

it fell quiet between them. john had closed his eyes so that he couldn't see gale’s sad baby blue’s boring into him, urging him to roll over and show him his most vulnerable parts like a dog begging for attention. for pity.

he knew gale was worried. he knew it before their fight, and he knew it now. gale wasn't an idiot. far from it, actually. he was intelligent and observant, which was why he was such a damn good pilot. he saw john’s pain before john felt it. he saw it in how john would lash out at anyone that looked at him wrong, and how he would toss and turn in his sleep at night.

“you haven't eaten in a few days.”

“i know,” bucky said again. he couldn't bear to imagine gale’s expression. “i’m tired of the same shit. if i see another potato i’ll puke.”

“bucky.” gale hissed, voice urgent. “i’m being serious.”

“so am i.”

he hadn't eaten in about three days. ever since his last serving of the same bland bullshit, he decided he would rather starve than touch it again. so what, if he lost a little weight? that seemed to be the least of his problems right now.

he didn't care anymore. he just didn't care if he withered away inside this stalag surrounded by his men. that seemed to be the most honorable thing to do at this point- because at least then he'd be around people that knew him, and celebrated him. he'd rather die here and now, miserable, than drag it out and die alone in enemy territory with no one around.

“okay, bucky.” gale mumbled, clearly on edge already and not in the mood to argue. “just…i’ll be outside with everyone else. you should eat some dinner tonight.”

the blonde stalked off, expression and gaze steely and distant as bucky rolled back onto his side, facing the wall and sighing tiredly.

night rolled around and he didn't drag himself out of bed for dinner. he couldn't. the urge to eat, to get up and walk and be active wasn't there. his will to survive had vanished.

gale wasn't the only one worried about him. he heard everyone muttering to one another behind his back as they ate the slop that was served to them half-heartedly.

‘he doesn't look good at all.’

‘i know. when’s the last time he left his bunk?’

‘hush and eat. he can probably hear you.’

bucky didn't care what they were saying. whatever it was, it was probably true. maybe word around the stalag was that major john egan was a spineless, worthless, gutless piece of shit that gave up on everyone around him when they needed him most. harsh, yes, but not necessarily wrong. john was acutely aware of how him laying in this bed, rotting for days on end was selfish to his men. he knew that they were looking to him for guidance, and all he was giving them was a depressing display of self pity.

his mind drifted back to curt. he would always tell bucky that he was one of the strongest and most resilient people he had ever met, and how he would give anything to be as half as stubborn as him.

bucky always shot back that stubborn didn't necessarily mean good, but curt refused to see him in a bad light under any circumstances.

“i got you a bowl.”

gale’s voice. he glanced over his shoulder, gazing at the metal dish that gale was holding in his direction. same meal they'd been served for the last few months. the rumbling in his stomach wasn't even a bother to him anymore.

“thanks buck,” he hummed, turning to face the wall once more. “but i’m not hungry.”

silence fell over the room, tense at bucky’s blatant refusal of the food gale offered. he heard a short sigh from his friend, as well as a scuffing of his shoe against the floor as he turned on his heel and walked away.

he felt his stomach sink with guilt, but he really wasn't hungry. what was the point of eating, prolonging his survival when he would most likely die in the very bunk he was laying in? the thought made his appetite disappear.

he pulled the thin, scratchy blankets they were given over himself, clutching it in his hands tightly as if it were the only thing keeping him tethered to this reality.

honestly, it might have been.

𓆩✧𓆪

days and days passed him by. he wasn't able to shake the dread that had begun eating at him days ago. in fact, it seemed to have consumed him whole by this point. he only left the bed when he was instructed to by those goddamn guards, or when he had to use the bathroom. he didn't get up for food, water, to exercise, to speak to friends, nothing. he was not interested but a shell of the outgoing, confident man he used to be.

gale had kept trying to get him to leave his bunk, or to at least put some food in his system. he would bring a plate of food for him every night, and bucky would refuse it all the same. he would tell him that the others were asking for him, but bucky just brushed it off. if they were really worried, they knew where to find him.

only a few other men besides gale came to check on him during the day, hambone being one of them. he started talking about how different things were without him around. it was quiet, and no one really liked it all that much. they missed his snarky comments about the german guards and how he would shit talk them all day. that got a little smile lut of him, he had to admit that. what got him feeling serious again was when hambone started talking about how gale was taking his absence.

“he’s been quiet. way quieter than normal.” he said, voice dropping low. “only says one or two words to everyone before…he just shuts down. goes into autopilot. it's not really like him.”

and he was right. after he had said that he kept think about gale, how he was probably out there with god knows how much on his mind, and for bucky to only be adding to that…

what was he doing?

was he really causing buck that much distress? the thought made his stomach sink with guilt. gale already had so much on his mind, and for bucky to act like a petulant child and add onto all of that stress and anxiety and pain he’s been bearing for the entirety of the men trapped here was so unbelievably shitty.

what kind of friend– what kind of man did something like this to his other half– his rock, his one source of sanity in this camp, in this war?

he curled in on himself further, self loathing and dread curling their ugly black tendrils around him, engulfing him in a pitch black abyss.

he felt so, so sick all of a sudden.

𓆩✧𓆪

“word is there's gonna be another march in a few days,” hambone dutifully informed him, leaning against the creaky wooden wall and staring out the window, into the yard.

bucky was actually sitting up in his bunk today, idly fidgeting with the little radio gale had crafted a few days earlier in his hands. he hadn't actually spoken to buck, finding himself unable to think of anything of value to utter to him.

“again?”

“mhm,” he mumbled, fiddling with the dirty sleeve of his sheepskin. “apparently allies are real close. gale caught word of that last night on that radio. not sure when the germans caught wind. might happen tonight.”

bucky grimaced, setting the tiny radio on the cluttered table, sighing and squeezing his eyes shut at the prospect of walking for days on end just to get to another shitty camp, and rot there for god knows how long. he hasn't eaten in a good week, and he knows his odds of surviving the march on an empty stomach are little to none.

“thanks for tellin’ me,” buck said softly, standing from his bunk and making his way towards the door, keeping his eyes glued to the floor as he stepped outside for the first time in weeks. immediately, he felt eyes on him from all angles.

‘major egan?’

‘he’s okay!’

‘christ, i thought he died…’

he smiled humorlessly, making his way over to the water pump and grabbing one of the metal jugs, placing it under the tap and filling it up with slightly murky water and sighing to himself. he hadn't seen gale yet. a small part of him was hoping that buck would be the first person waiting for him, but he also wasn't in a good headspace to talk to him right now. he didn't know what to say to him, after knowing all the torment he had put him through with his little episode.

he turned the tap off, exhaling deeply and picking up the jug– flushing when he struggled a bit due to the weakness that came with staying in bed and not eating in about a week. he lifted it on the second attempt, huffing and hauling the jug back to his bunk.

out of the corner of his eye, he saw gale, encouraging some men to push a little harder to break the ground using that damned contraption- whatever it was called. he tensed at the sight of him, speeding up his steps until he was safe back in his bunk.

he set the jug down heavily, not even thirsty anymore. that night march could kill him, for all he cared. maybe then gale’s problem’s would be solved.

he laid in his bunk miserably, jug discarded as he thought of gale. he deserved the world, he deserved to be happy, to live a life without having to worry about him being a sad sack of shit, wallowing in his self pity. he did his best to try and keep his spirits up, but he couldn't help it. he didn't have anything to look forward to anymore. life just seemed like a whirlwind of misery and he didn't know how much more he could take. so many friends lost, so many people dead.

maybe when he died, gale would finally move on, lose that stress that came with knowing him. he could only hope.

𓆩✧𓆪

john had lost track of time long ago. he only knew day and night, and occasionally he was told what month it was.

he knew it was late, evidenced by the snores of all the men around him, and how the room was pitch black. the moonlight didn't reach his bunk, leaving him alone in the darkness to stare up at the wooden slats of the bunk above him.

he heard shuffling from somewhere in the room, then the creaking of floorboards as someone moved towards his bed.

“bucky?”

gale’s voice rang in his ears, making him go completely still as if he were a scared cat. maybe he was dreaming, and the gale beside him was nothing more than a figment of his imagination, spurred on by hunger. but when gale didn't leave, he turned to look at the blonde with tired eyes.

“yeah?”

“can’t sleep,” he said softly, and the bags under his eyes seemed to prove it. “mind if i bunk with you tonight?”

bucky wanted to say so many things. ‘of course you can.’ ‘no, i don't want you to get too attached to me if i’m bound to die soon.’ ‘i love you.’ but all that came from him was a little “uh huh,” as he scoot over to make room for the blonde.

he felt his mattress dip, and a familiar warmth crowding at his side. he almost jumped up at the almost desperateness of it all, half expecting gale to just lay by him and turn the other way. the blonde wrapped his arms around his waist, a surprising amount of muscle on them from the training they had been doing in preparation for an escape, and buried his face into the nape of his neck.

it was dangerous to be doing this here, with everyone in the room. anyone could wake up and they'd probably kill them on the spot before the nazis could. no one would accept it– two respected majors, cuddled up together like shy newlyweds in the middle of a shitty stalag, when they should be leading their men, training them, helping out in some way. but, as gale tightened his arms around john, holding onto him as if he'd disappear if he let go, he found that he could care less about what everyone would think of them.

“buck,” he started, voice soft, as soft as it's been in a long while. “what–”

“i’m scared, john,” he whispered, trembling ever so slightly as he pressed closer, like he was trying to become one with the other man. “i’m trying so hard to keep up appearances, to lead and be strong, but i’m scared.” he admitted, fingers digging into john’s side.

john was shocked into silence for a minute. gale was always so well put together. he never cracked under pressure, he just didn't. up in the air, when his engines were out and his crew was panicking, he would land that b-17 like it was nothing. ‘no engine cleven’, they called him, and he just smiled in that shy little way of his, heading to the barracks to sleep off the shock and do it all over again.

he'd seen gale shaken up a few times. when they landed in africa, he was quiet. quieter than usual, anyway. he was staring off into the distance, eyebrows drawn together slightly as he worried that damned toothpick in his mouth until it snapped in two.

but for gale to admit that he was scared was…unheard of. he wasn't the type to show or admit his emotions too openly, none of them were. but being here and eating the same bland shit, not knowing if you're ever gonna get to go home, and watching the last of your friends die during nighttime marches to a new camp did something to you. it broke whatever spirit you thought you had left.

“gale, hey-” he whispered, turning on his side and gently cupping the blonde’s face, watching as tears welled up in his eyes and spilled down his flushed cheeks. “hey, look at me. none of that,”

he used his thumb to wipe away his tears, tilting his chin up so that the blonde’s glassy eyes met his. he hated seeing gale cry. he hated knowing that all this time, he's been in pain, the weight of all of these men in camp on his shoulders, counting on him, and all john has been doing is making it worse.

“i’m sorry,” gale sniffs, hiccuping softly, breath picking up as john pulls him close, allowing the blonde to hide in his chest and inhale his scent. “fuck, i’m sorry. i just don't know how much longer i– if i can do this anymore.”

those words put fear into john’s heart. if gale, the brains, the brawn, the heart and soul of the very operation to get them out of here was losing hope– what did that mean for them? were they truly doomed to die in enemy hands, holding onto the hope that allies would somehow manage to sneak close enough to the shitty camps they were held hostage in and launch an attack on the germans?

he knew most of their thinking was extremely wishful, but it was something. a little glimmer of hope in a dark, gray times. for buck, gale was that glimmer of hope– that thing he held onto when all else seemed to fail him. even when he felt he’d die here, at least it would be with buck.

he couldn't let gale give up like this. not for his sake– hell, not for everyone’s sake. if gale gave up, he gave up. and if he gave up, everyone else would give up. a hell of a burden to carry on top of everything.

“gale,” he said softly, taking both of his slender hands into his large ones, caressing the backs of his knuckles with his calloused thumb. “gale, you've gotta keep going. without you, this whole thing would fall apart.” he said, nuzzling closer to him.

“i can't save everyone, bucky.” he hiccuped, trembling in little fits and starts, shattering john’s heart as he watched. “i can't even save the person that matters most to me. if i can't do that then–”

“you don't need to save me.” john said harshly, much more harshly than he intended to. he saw gale wince, and he immediately regretted being so harsh. “i mean– you don’t– i’m just like this. nothing you can do about it, buck. it’s not your job to fix me, okay?”

“i want to. i want you to be okay, bucky. i want–”

he sniffled, nuzzling his hot, tear-stained cheeks into bucky’s large hands. “i want you to be okay. i want you to be there with me, no matter what. i just– we've lost so many men, john. so many. but i still have you. i can save you, i can help you. i just….i need to make you feel better than this. i need you to know how much you mean to me.”

bucky was stunned into silence. he spent all this time thinking gale loathed him for his behavior, wishing he was dead and gone so that he had one less thing to worry about– but gale just spilled his guts to him about how john was the most precious thing in his life right now. not marge– him. him. it made his heart swell with something ugly.

“i’ll always be with you, buck.” john said softly, stroking his blonde locks, once soft but now slightly gritty with dirt and grime from their time in the stalag. even with limited supplies to take care of his hygiene, gale managed to outshine every single one of them in terms of beauty. “what’d i say? if i’m gonna bet on anything, i’m gonna bet on us. y’hear me?”

a shaky little exhale left gale’s mouth, pressing his face into john’s chest like a boy seeking comfort from his mom after a scary dream. john didn't say anything else, just held gale close as he sniffled and sobbed into his chest until he cried himself to sleep, soft snores leaving his pretty pink lips in soft little puffs.

he felt a surge of overprotectiveness wash over him as he watched the blonde sleep, curled into his body and clutching one of john’s hands close to his chest. he didn't need to feel sorry for himself anymore. he needed to be there for gale, so that he stopped carrying these burdens on his shoulders. they were a team, always have been. always will be. nothing in this godforsaken place could change that.

𓆩✧𓆪

john got up the next morning, careful not to disturb gale, who was still sound asleep next to him. he was on his side, almost completely curled up on himself with his thumb pressed against his lips, biting at it idly.

john smiled softly, eyes filled with a fondness for the blonde as he shuffled into his shoes, heading out into the daylight to grab some rations for the both of them.

last night was extremely sobering for him. he had spent so much time wallowing in his self hatred that he hadn't realized that his neglectful actions towards himself had been affecting gale in a negative way. when his friend came to him, crying and sobbing, worried for his wellbeing, insisting that he was the only thing that was worth fighting for anymore, he knew he had to get it together.

he went to the service counter and asked for two servings of food, saying that his friend was still asleep and that he would wake him up when he got back. who would lie for extra slop anyways?

he was given two plates, and he hurried back to his bunk, where a few of the other men began to stir awake, including gale.

“mornin, boys,” he said, setting down his two plates on the lightly cluttered table. “food’s gettin’ served up. go grab some.”

they all let out a noncommittal groan as he sat down at his bunk, digging into his mean of bland potatoes. it didn't taste any better than the last time he ate it, but he’ll be damned if he wasn't hungry.

gale sat up beside him, blinking the sleep from his eyes, which were slightly puffy from crying. his baby blue’s landed on john and widened as he saw him scarfing down the bland mush.

john smiled at him. “mornin’,”

“you're eating.” he said, voice quivering slightly.

he shrugged slightly, stirring the mush around absentmindedly. “got hungry. craved potatoes. you’ll never guess what the canteen was servin’.”

gale was on him in a matter of seconds, hugging him tightly and pressing his face into his shoulder. he was trembling, a shaky exhale leaving him as john set his plate down, returning the hug and smiling against his shoulder.

“thank you.” he whispered, voice so heart-wrenchingly vulnerable.

“don't count on it.”

𓆩✧𓆪

gale bunked with him for the next few nights, out of pure need for comfort and reassurance. he was obviously happy that bucky was eating again, but he was still stressed with all of the ongoings in the camp.

bucky had stepped in and gave a hand in training, instructing the men in what to do and how to do it, but there were just so many of them. on top of that, those german bastards were always waving their guns around, yelling at them whenever they felt like it. john had almost gotten into it with a few of them, but gale har talked him down.

what would he do without him?

“you need to be more careful when you talk to the guards.” gale said, idly smoothing down the fabric of john’s thin sleep shirt, which made john’s chest fill with warmth.

“to hell with those guards.” he muttered angrily, looking into gale’s eyes with a steely determination. “i just got my spirit back. i ain’t gonna let these nazi bastards destroy it again.”

“they'll shoot you, bucky.” gale said softly, looking up at him with a hard gaze. “zero hesitation. they've done it to other men before, and they’ll do it to you.”

“and then they’ll have a hell of a riot on their hands.” he laughs softly, which made gale sigh and press his forehead to his chest.

“why can't you just be good?”

the words caught john off guard, making his cheeks flush and his heartbeat kick up a notch. he felt his heartbeat pick up whenever gale was close to him like this, but it was a pace he had gotten used to, honestly. but hearing gale tell him to be good in a soft voice– as if he were speaking to a dog made his heartbeat kick up in another way entirely.

“uhm,” he started, face flushed a soft pink, hands finding gale’s waist and fidgeting with the hem of the blonde’s shirt. “i can– i can be good, i jus’...”

he was stumbling over his words painfully obviously. he was hoping that gale couldn't see the flush on his face in the darkness of the room, but knowing his luck he probably could.

“what's wrong?” gale asked softly, eyes lidded as his hands halted on john’s broad chest, thumb idly brushing across the fabric of his shirt in soothing little circles. “your heart is beating really hard.”

“nothin’.” he said, way too quickly for it to be true. “just. hot. i ‘unno.”

silence fell, save for the sounds of breathing from the men around them, and their own soft breathing. john really took in gale in this moment, how soft and vulnerable he looked.

his sleep shirt was loose on him, thanks to him losing weight in the camp over the months they’ve been here. his eyes were soft with sleep, lips pink and plump and parted with each little breath he took. god, he was gorgeous. he wanted nothing more than to take him on the bed right now, make him cry out his name so that everyone in the room knew who he belonged to.

he’d had these thoughts of gale since they met in basic training, but they had only gotten worse the longer they stayed in camp. back on base, he was able to keep his mind off of gale, or at least quell his desire by picking up some desperate broad in a bar and sleeping with her. but now, he looked at gale and could hardly keep his mind out of the gutter. he hated it.

“hot, huh?” gale chuckled softly, hands running up john’s chest and resting on his shoulders. “you're a bad liar when it comes to me, y’know that?”

john flushed darker, hands tightening on gale’s waist and pulling him closer, careful to keep their lower halves apart so that the blonde didn’t feel his erection through his shorts. “i’m not lying.”

“mhm?” the blonde chuckles, leaning closer to him, invading his space so that their noses touched, breath mingling together as they stared at one another tenderly, something more carnal and desirous underneath. “why're you hard then?”

bucky choked on a gasp, his face completely red to the point where he was sure gale could see it, even in the dark. their lower halves weren't touching, and yet, gale had known. read him like a book.

“how’d you–?”

“you have a thing you do,” he says, thumb rubbing at his collarbone gently. “you stumble over your words. start touchin’ things with your hands. fidgeting. sometimes it's more noticeable. its a lot less noticeable when you hit on girls at a bar, but i picked up on it.”

john huffed, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth and averting his eyes. he wasn't expecting gale to call him out so straightforwardly. it made him embarrassed. he also didn't expect gale to trail a hand down to the hem of his shorts, dipping his cool fingers inside and making john gasp sharply.

“want me to take care of it?”

“gale,” john hissed, eyes wide as the blonde’s nimble fingers trailed lower and lower, scratching at the wiry hair just above his hard cock. “our men are all around us. they might hear us.”

“then you'll have to be quiet, won’t you?”

a strangled noise left john’s throat as gale wrapped his thin fingers around his hot, hard length, giving a tentative squeeze. a shuddery breath left deep from bucky’s chest, his hands squeezing gale’s waist so hard he was bound to leave bruises.

“that good?” gale whispered, shuffling his boxers down and letting john’s cock free completely, swiping his thumb across the head and gathering the precum there so the friction of his hand was less harsh. bucky didn't have it in him to answer coherently, so he just nodded and bucked his hips upwards into gale’s touch.

it was intoxicating, the way his fingers occasionally caught under the sensitive head of his cock and made his cock jerk and leak even more, all over gale’s pretty hand.

“see? look at you.” the blonde cooed, eyes lidded and practically glowing as he gave a twist of his wrist on the upstroke, relishing in the little groans and gasps bucky let out. “you can be good for me, why can't you be good out there? i know you're a good boy, bucky. such a good dog.”

“jesus christ,” bucky swore, stomach tensing up and cock leaking into gale’s palm thickly, precum making the glide of his palm slicker. “i’m gunna cum- oh, god, buck–”

“shh,”

the blonde scolded him lightly, free hand moving to cover his mouth firmly as he jerked him off faster, the wet, slick noises coming from between them downright obscene. he felt like a girl getting laid in her bedroom, her parents right next door as her boyfriend fingered her so good she couldn't help but whine and whimper.

he didn't have time to warn gale as he shot off, thick ropes of his spend painting buck’s chest and stomach a pretty pearlescent white. when he pulled his shirt up, he didn't know.

he came down from his high, and found gale’s lips on his. he kissed back, gentle and hungry at the same time, like he wanted to devour gale whole. he pulled him close, choking out a gasp into the kiss as he felt gale’s erection press into his hip.

“buck,” he panted, letting the blonde thrust against him minutely, the little pleased noises he let out going straight to john’s spent cock, bringing it back to life. “lemme– lemme make you feel good.”

gale exhaled sharply, rolling his hips against him more desperately, now. “please.”

john flipped them over so fast that it gave them both whiplash for a moment. it was short lived, though as he was faced with the sight of gale’s hard cock straining at his boxers. john’s large hands spread the blonde’s thighs apart, tugging his boxers down his hips and letting his pretty pink cock spring free from its confines.

john was on him in an instant, licking at the clear bead of precum that gathered at the pretty pink head. gale gasped softly, his breath shaky and deep as john laved his dick in attention, running his hot tongue along the vein that adorned the underside, sucking at the tip, doing anything but taking it in his mouth yet– to enamored by the sweet little noises gale was making.

“john, please.” buck whimpered, voice soft and needy as he thrust upwards, cockhead sliding against bucky’s wet lips. “please,”

he begged so prettily. who was he to resist?

he finally took gale into his mouth in one go, nose nestled into a small thatch of blonde pubic hair just above his dick. gale bit back a moan, hands flying into john’s pretty curls, gripping them so hard that he was sure he ripped a few strands out. the sting made bucky moan around gale’s length, bobbing his head slowly.

he loved every little noise that left gale– the little gasps and quiet keens as he drooled around his cock, eyelashes fluttering as the tip of his cock nudged at the back of his throat. he wishes that he could hear gale at full volume, whining and begging for more– but they couldn't. not here.

“such a good mouth,” gale moaned, voice breathy and deep and so smooth to his ears, melting his brain as he pulled off his cock completely, licking at his dripping slit and collecting his precum with his tongue. “fuck, wish i could keep your mouth on me all day. keep you quiet. fuck–”

hearing gale cleven, straight edge, no gambling, hates sports gale cleven talking dirty to him like this sent shockwaves directly to his cock. he took him all the way back into his mouth, groaning deep in his throat as he ground against the rough sheets of the mattress, brows furrowed in concentration and pleasure as he took hold of gale’s slender hips. he felt so filthy, so needy and desperate for anything gale would give him, like a stray dog begging for food.

he wanted anything gale would give him. affection, hatred, love, loathing– he was hungry for all of it, for him. his cock was amazing on his tongue, hot and heavy and velvety, leaking in copious amounts down his throat as he swallowed every last drop of him. he could feel gale spasm in his throat, close to orgasm, and he found himself feeling greedier by the second.

“jesus christ,” buck gasped, hips lifting from the mattress, hand tightening in john’s curls, pulling him down onto his length frantically as his stomach began to spasm and tense up. “i’m– i’m gonna– john–”

his throat was flooded with gale’s spend, and he worked his throat around his sensitive cock dutifully as he swallowed it all. it was the sweetest thing he’d ever tasted, it made him hot, it made his brain melt, it made him needy for more–

he felt his cock spill against the sheets, a small whimper caught in his throat as he rode out his orgasm.

when he came to, he was aware of gale whimpering from overstimulation as he absentmindedly suckled at his cock.

“john, please,” he whined, trying to pull free. “enough.”

bucky pulled off, cheek resting on his thigh stickily. they were both panting, faces flushed and eyes glossy with aroused tears. they locked eyes, and john couldn't help the surge of emotion that overcame him as he shot up, capturing gale’s lips in a soft kiss. at this moment, everything felt like it would be okay.

“we should clean up,” gale mumbled against his lips, panting softly. “made a mess.”

“yeah,” john agreed, kissing him again, quicker this time. “think we can score new sheets?”

“we can jus’ move to my bunk for now. toss these sheets aside for morning laundry.” gale hummed, yawning softly and rubbing at his eyes like a sleepy little kid. how he could be so goddamn cute after doing something so filthy was beyond him.

“alright,” john hummed, watching as gale tucked himself into his boxers. “lemme wipe ya down first.”

john untucked a corner of the bedsheets, using them to wipe at gale’s cum stained torso gently, gale squirmed under the attention slightly, blushing at the way john was looking at him, full of love and reverence, like he hung the sun and the stars himself.

once he'd finished, he let gale stand and move back to his bunk, allowing john to rid his bed of the stained sheets and toss them aside for laundry. he'd find an excuse later.

he made his way to gale’s bunk, reversing the roles and cuddling up to gale, nuzzling into his neck and sighing deeply. gale smiled softly, hand carding through his hair gently.

“next time, we’ll try to make less of a mess,” he mumbled, voice deep with sleep as he pulled john closer.

“next time, huh? you fantasizing about it already?”

buck rolled his eyes, and bucky didn't miss the faint flush on his cheeks.

“i’m just saying. it’ll be nicer. maybe it’ll be in a proper bed, without all these people around. just the two of us, in our own bed,” he mumbled, eyes drifting shut. “just us, bucky.”

“buck–”

he didn't get to ask what he meant. he had already fallen asleep, snoring softly into the darkness of the room. buck went silent, pressing his ear to buck’s chest and listening to his steady heartbeat as he mulled over his words. his heart felt like it was going to jump out of his chest.

maybe they would get out of here. if it meant he and buck would have a promising life together, he would be damned if he died in one of these godforsaken camps.

he would make it. for them.

taglist: @mooodyblue @lauvmyself @kaiistheguy @slowsweetlove

[jxmis]

Birthday Girl

Pairings: Kim Chaewon x Reader

Summary: You go all out for your leader's birthday. When Chaewon finds out it was all your plan, she can't help but feel confuse and astonish. You two aren't as close with each other like how she is with the other members. Would your act of service finally get Chaewon to notice you?

Warning(s): none

A/N: Sorry, I'm terrible at summarizing. I wrote this all today. This is my first KPOP Idol related story!! I wanted to get a story out on Chaewon's birthday. Thanks for reading!

You and Chaewon were never close. You'd both consider yourselves friends and groupmates. However, your relationship with each other aren't like her relationship with the others. It's not like she has anything against you or you with her. You both just never had a chance to connect with each other. Chaewon is a busy person and when she isn't Eunchae or Yunjin usually has all her attention. Let alone, Chaewon is known to be hard to get close to.

Nevertheless, you're closets with Yunjin. Not only are you both '01 liners, but you're the only person in the group who speaks English proficiently. Along with that, you both share a common interest in songwriting.

Your closeness with Yunjin led her to finding out your special interest in your leader. She noticed how you stare at her, it's a different type of gaze than how you'd look at the others. How you're a lot more shy when around her. She can make a whole list to prove how whipped you are for Chaewon! In which you caved and admitted to. Oh how you wished you never confessed to the raven-haired girl. The constant teasing is making you go crazy, afraid your leader will discover your secret.

-----------

Today is August 1, 2023, the day you've been longing for to come. Unfortunately, Chaewon is unable to spend her birthday with her family due to a busy schedule. With the tour preparations and all. You knew she had meetings to attend and some personal shoots today. So, she'll be occupied for most of the day. You felt bad that Chaewon has to spend her birthday working.

So, with the help of the other members, you have it all planned out. In hope this would make your hardworking leader's day better. You, Sakura, and Yunjin were in charge of the food. While you gave the maknaes the task of decorating the dorm.

You mainly focus on making the cake. You trust Yunjin and Sakura enough cooking the food. "Wow! The cake looks good Y/N!" Sakura says. You give her a quick smile, then proceed to make sure the cake is perfect. Yunjin can't help but chuckle at your behavior. Yet finds it sweet how you're doing all this for Chaewon.

You finished the cake awhile ago and everyone was admiring your work. You had to keep an eye on Eunchae afraid she'll eat it before the birthday girl gets home. You all finish up everything up and lastly got into decent yet comfortable clothing. You're proud of the work the maknaes did, they did a great job decorating the place. "I just got a text! She'll be here in a bit!" Yunjin yells out.

You all get into positions. Anticipation building up in the room as all eyes were on the door. A few minutes passes by and finally you all see the door nob moving. "Surprise!" Everyone shouts and series of "Happy Birthday!" echoes in the room.

Chaewon stands there in shock yet a huge smile then forms on her face. "Thank you, thank you! Wow, all this for me?" She says with such joy as she looks around the room.

"Unnie, you're getting old!" Eunchae shouts as she rushes to her pulling her into a tight embrace. Everyone shakes their head yet laughs at their maknae as they too make their way hugging their leader. You however, made your way to the kitchen preparing the cake.

"I can't believe you guys did this for me," Chaewon says still in disbelief.

"All thanks to Y/N. It was their idea!" Yunjin voices out, refraining herself from smirking. Chaewon raises her eyebrows not expecting to hear that information.

"Where is-" Yet before Sakura can finish her sentence, you make your way out of the kitchen holding the cake as you start to sing happy birthday. The others following along as well. Chaewon looks at the cake in admiration, tears starting to form in her eyes.

Chaewon can't help but just stand there speechless. All she manages to get out is "I- It's beautiful."

"Y/N made the cake too!" Yunjin says putting her arm around your shoulder smilling at you "innocently". You shrug her arm off of you. Again, Chaewon can't help but be surprised yet confuse.

"Well... make a wish and blow out the candles!! I've been waiting all day to eat the cake!!!" Eunchae yells out making everyone chuckle at the impatient maknae.

The night went on well, you're proud of yourself and your members for pulling it off. From the looks of it, Chaewon seems to be really happy as well. You're glad, she deserves to enjoy her day. However, You can't help but notice how Chaewon glances at you once in awhile. Maybe that's just your mind playing games with you. The exhaustion is probably catching up on you.

As everyone is in there own conversation with each other, Chaewon whispers to Yunjin. Wanting to ask her a question that's been itching her mind for awhile now, "Y/N really planned all this for me?"

Yunjin really took all her will power to stop herself from rolling her eyes at her leader's obliviousness. "Yes, unnie."

"But... why?"

"Y'know it's really starting to annoy me how naïve you are sometimes." Chaewon is taken aback by her member's response. "Just ask Y/N herself. Y'know... finally have a full on conversation with her." With that, Yunjin leaves Chaewon deep in thought, and joins Sakura's and Kazuha's conversation.

-----------

As you were cleaning up, one by one, the members call it a night greeting and hugging their leader once again. You thought it was just you now, but that wasn't the case. You hear someone clear their throat making you turn around. Your eyes widen seeing Chaewon standing there looking at you. And it seems that she's... nervous?

"Hey... uhh need some help?" She says breaking the awkward silence.

In which you respond with, "It's alright." You look at the time seeing it's an hour before midnight. "It's still your birthday, not going to let the birthday girl clean up. You've had a long day, go rest unnie." You turn back around continuing to clean the dishes. Yet of course, knowing Chaewon, she's one stubborn lady. She starts to put away the left over food.

"Unnie..." you say disapprovingly. Yet before you can continue, Chaewon speaks out.

"Y'know... there is still one person who has yet to greet me today." As you carefully turn around after putting the last plate away, Chaewon is already facing you with a slightly teasing smile.

You look at her with a sheepish smile scratching the back of your neck, "Oh.. uhm.. sorry it's just everyone was trying to grab your attention. And I already know trying to compete for it would lead me nowhere. So I didn't get a chance to greet you." Chaewon can't help but frown. She never realized until now how ignorant she's been towards you. She moves slightly closer to you, making you nervous.

"Well, you've got my attention now." That sent chills down your spine, your only hope is that she didn't notice your reaction. But that small yet quick smirk she made before it disappeared says otherwise.

You clear your throat, "Happy Birthday, unnie." She smiles at you.

"Thank you," you nod. As you begin to turn around and walk away, Chaewon speaks again, "Thank you for doing all this. Thank you for making today memorable. But can I ask why?" Her last sentence makes you look at her with a confuse look. Though you see the genuine curiosity on her face. Wow, she's really in disbelief that all this was my plan? You thought to yourself.

You shrug, "Why not? I mean, I know we aren't close like you are with the others. So I get why you're surprised that all this was because of me. Nonetheless, I still consider you as my friend not just my leader or group member. Besides, I... love admire and respect you, you're one of the most hardworking people I know. You deserve to have some fun and relax on your special day. Especially since I know you probably wanted to spend it with your family but couldn't. I thought this could make up for it." You stand there feeling uneasy as you see the look on Chaewon's face. Her just standing there looking at you silently doesn't help either. Seeing how her eyes show the range of emotions she is currently experiencing. Did you say too much?

Chaewon snaps herself back into reality as she sees you slowly and awkwardly back away. Without thinking, her hand reaches for yours making you freeze. Now it's your turn to be in-shock. "Let's fix that then," Chaewon says softly. You look at her confuse wordlessly asking her to elaborate, "Let's get to know each other. I'd like to get to know you more." Chaewon clarifies, looking at you with a nervous smile yet her eyes hopeful.

It seems as if there is more meaning to her words than what she's implying. Fortunately, knowing Chaewon, you're aware it takes time for her to let people in. Baby steps and you're more than fine with it. You're willing to wait. You smile at the older woman, "I'd love that."

[cbrownjc]

Today's episode was a lot wow.

I do not believe that Armand turned Daniel out of spite, there's definitely some history there. Also if it indeed went like that, Daniel would be way angrier and not so easygoing about his vampirism.

My theory:

1) DM chase happened in the 70s, and then they broke up for some reason.

2) After Loumand's breakup, Armand decides to stalk daniel again, while he's writing his book.

3) Meanwhile, Daniel gets sicker from Parkinson's, and that's when Armand turns him, tied up like in the book because he doesn't want to live without him.

4) Armand can't stand the sight of another loved one leaving him, since he thinks that maker-fledglings relationships are meant to crumble, so he decides to run away.

5) Daniel now searches for him, angered by the fact that he left him.

Well, I already gave my long opinion about some of this in my episode review. So I'll just keep my answers as paired down as I can:

1.) Because of what happened in the finale, The Chase could have only happened in the 1970s now. Especially if they ever want to say that Armand turned Daniel out of love and not spite. And I have no problem with it having happened in the 1970s, since I've been saying since Season 1 that The Chase happened back then.

2.) and 3.) The Talamasca publishing the book makes a chase impossible to happen in the modern day IMO. Because Daniel would have been working with them as he wrote it. They would have known flat out if Armand was chasing him around the world as Daniel was writing the book and working with them to have it published.

Plus, Daniel running around the world with Parkinson's during a still ongoing pandemic? No. Especially when you tie that in with #3. Daniel getting sicker wrt Parkinson's means he loses his mobility. Hell, depending on how sick he got, he wouldn't even be able to eat on his own, let alone walk. Even transferring himself via wheelchair would be near impossible after a time.

Me knowing how Parkinson's works because of observing it firsthand with my mom always made the idea of Daniel doing The Chase in the present day quite unbelievable to me. And the idea that he could do that if his health was declining while also writing a book too? Nope. No way.

Also, the whole point of The Chase was to have Armand fall in love with Daniel as a human and have Daniel knowingly fall in love with Armand as a monster. That is the narrative reason for The Chase to exist in the first place -- for the two of them to have time to fall in love with each other. Otherwise, none of the rest of it works -- including Daniel being turned. Even as far as in the books, the IWTV book was already accepted and in the works before the chase has even begun for Armand and Daniel. The book was published still towards the start of it.

In the show, Daniel -- as a vampire -- is going on a book tour. Giving the publication of that book a generous 2 years, that is very little time to squeeze in Daniel writing a book while his health is declining and Armand still chasing him around the world long enough to fall in love with him.

I'm sorry, but I just do not see it.

4.) Armand isn't going to abandon his only fledgling, even with his fear of it not working out. Armand fought tooth and nail to not lose Louis he was so afraid of being alone, but he's just going to give up Daniel super easy? His one and only fledgling, that he only broke his vow to never turn someone for because he loved him so much? Personally I think I would hate that even more than what I already disliked wrt the implication the show laid out about them in that ending scene. Via the Tulane archive, we know that it was Daniel who initiated their break up in the books (and Armand himself alludes to this, that it was Daniel, in his own book as well).

Armand just running off after turning Daniel with Daniel maybe not wanting him to go? Again, no. Not if the show is in any way trying to keep to the heart of what their relationship is and is supposed to be.

5.) Daniel didn't seem the least bit hurt by Armand not being around IMO. Slight annoyance and that's it, IMO. And this actually goes into something I talk about in my longer review about how he was acting during that whole ending scene, so I won't do so here.

So in conclusion I do agree that Armand didn't -- or wouldn't -- turn Daniel out of spite. Not if the show is in any way keeping to the heart of the Devil's Minion relationship is. But aside from agreeing that The Chase did happen in the 1970s, there are too many plot holes for the other things to have happened IMO, at least in my view of it. Again, if they want to keep to what the heart of this relationship is, or is like.

[oneshotnewbie]

Now this one isn’t the character but for the shoe station-19 in general, what if Carina and Maya have a daughter that’s older in the show, and you’re at the emmys irl. And Y/N won the award for best supporting actress and she thanks stephina and Danielle in her speech cause it’s her first acting gig ever and they took her under her wing and really made her feel like a daughter??? Thoughts?

Authors note: It's very short because at the time I wrote this I was sick and my head wasn't working as well as I would have liked. I hope you still like what I wrote. Have a nice day ♥

ᕚ---ᕘ

The glamorous ballroom was filled with a sea of sparkling gowns and elegant suits, which showed their full splendor in the festive, warm spotlights. At the center of the stage was a shiny podium with a glowing Emmy Award just waiting to be won.

A strong and unrestrained applause from the audience echoed through the majestic walls and the lights in the hall flickered wildly as the presenter stepped to the microphone with a solemn voice and an enthusiastic smile and announced the highlight of the evening. "Ladies and gentlemen, it's the time we've all been eagerly awaiting! We're here to present the Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series. Are you ready?"

He drummed his hands enthusiastically on the stand in front of him, largely elevating the mood of the celebrities in the room. The camera panned from him to the excited faces of the nominees as they sat tensely in their seats. The tension was literally palpable. "And the Emmy goes to.." he opened the red envelope in his hands and continued with the famous words as he excitedly announced them. "Y/n y/l/n!"

A deafening round of applause erupted and the room shook with applause and cheers as you stood up from your seat, eyes wide and heart pounding. Your hands were shaking with excitement as you walked onto the stage with tears in your eyes and a bright smile, the audience watching you intently as the camera captured the emotionally charged reaction. In that moment, feelings of joy, pride and surprise flooded through you.

You reached the shining podium where the Emmy waited for you, shiny and golden like a symbol of all the hard work and dedication you had put into your art, feeling the warmth of the golden metal in your cold hands. There was a moment of silence before you cleared your throat and looked up at the crowd. "Wow, I can't believe it. This is really surreal," you began, your voice shaking slightly as you were overwhelmed by the thoughts and feelings flooding your mind.

The bright lights from the cameras almost blinded you as the host presented you with the Emmy. The crowd continued to cheer and you could feel the excitement crackling in the air. Standing in front of the microphone, you felt the weight of the moment on your shoulders and took a deep breath, your eyes immediately scanning the beaming audience until you spotted the familiar faces of the people who had made you who you were today - Danielle and Stefania. A smile spread across your face and your eyes filled with deep gratitude. "I can hardly express how grateful I am for this moment. For me this is not just a trophy, but a symbol of the journey I have taken with so many wonderful people."

Applause broke out again and you took a deep breath, visibly moved as you tried to continue your speech with a big smile and tears of joy in your eyes. "It's my first role and I'm standing here with this incredible award in my hands. I couldn't have done it without the support of some really special people."

You turned your gaze again to Danielle and Stefanie, who beamed with emotion and looked at you with proud eyes. "Dani, Stef, you are the cornerstones of my success. When I was unsure and the world of acting seemed so foreign to me, you took me under your wing. You not only taught me how to play a role, but you made me feel like a real daughter who was truly loved."

The eyes of the two women in question shone with pure emotion, and a hint of it was in the air as they sent several air kisses your way, encouraging you to continue. The room listened reverently as you continued to try to put your thoughts into words. "You saw my fears and helped me to grow beyond myself. Danielle, you were and still are like a anchor in the surf. You saw my fears and helped me overcome them. Stefania, you nurtured my dreams and gave me the wings to fly."

A gentle round of applause accompanied your words as you turned your attention back to the Emmy you were holding tightly in your hands. "This Emmy doesn't just belong to me. It belongs above all to you two because you are not only extraordinary actors, but also extraordinary people. Thank you for being my family. Thanks also to the entire team at Station 19 - Jaina, Gray, Jason, Jay, Barrett... here's to many more years with you as a series family by my side!"

“We love you, y/n/n!” the latina shouted and the crowd cheered once more while you couldn´t help but smile at the call in of Jaina. Danielle and Stefania clapped with proud and emotional faces as you left the stage. The cameras captured the moment, where you fell into the arms of your friends and they celebrated you with happiness. Tears of joy in Danielle and Stefania's eyes in this magical moment could be seen, while the music slowly began to play and the hall celebrated the triumph of this special and successful evening.

[dracowars]

Hi again sweetie! Luke and reader where theyre all celebrating the whole end of the empire/death star and she gets absolutely drunk off her mind and sits on his lap and plays with his hands all giggly and theyre "just friends" and han (and leia) are having the time of his life teasing tf out of them?? Maybe in the morning shes embarrassed and apologises so lukes all sad bcs it was a "mistake" but they end up tgt later? Thankss lovee

booze and confessions | luke skywalker

pairing: luke x reader

word count: 1,9k

summary: where y/n celebrates the end of the war a little too much, ending in a confession

a/n: i feel like it has been ages since i wrote something even though it's not true lmao hope you enjoy lovely!! <3

warnings: angst, mentions of war, mentions of death

universe: star wars

To be honest, you have no idea how many drinks you already have in your system, but when if not today are you allowed to celebrate like this? After the Death Star was successfully destroyed, the Empire was defeated and peace and tranquility will return to the entirety of the galaxy. The age of fear and terror is over, the time of fighting is over and you can finally let yourself go. Finally, there is something to celebrate, something you have been working towards for years. And today, after all the suffering, that goal has been achieved and you could not be any happier to be right here, right now: on Endor, in the midst of numerous Ewoks dancing and partying, with your friends who fought alongside you all those years while the sky above you is lit up in a variety of colours.

However, the exertion of the day affects your body, your feet slowly starting to hurt from this long, fateful day and when you see Luke sitting at a table, with Han and Leia next to him, a break from all this celebrating suddenly sounds quite attractive and you stumble and stagger towards them.

"There he is! The man of the hour!", you chuckle happily as soon as you are near them, your arms spread wide as you head straight for Luke, who examines you with a small but shy smile. Before he can answer, however, you actually trip over your own feet and almost hit the ground if it wouldn't be for Luke's strong arms to prevent you from falling to the ground.

"Woah! Be careful!", Luke warns you, but what he does not expect is that you barely noticed your little misstep and just sit on his lap, giggling with joy. "I think someone had a drink or two too many."

"Are you talking about me? Don't you worry, Luke, I'm perfectly fine!", you cheekily smile at him, swaying a bit which is why he carefully puts one of his hands on your arm so you do not fall off your seat on top of him.

"Maybe you just didn’t have enough?", you tease him, showing him his glass, turning it upside down to emphasize that it is empty. Of course, this victory also comes with a lot of pain for Luke and Leia due to the loss of their father, but Luke has assured you several times that he is fine and that he still wants to celebrate this victory, in honor of his father.

That is also why you really wanted the two of you to have a good time together, but apparently you really had a few too many drinks.

"She definitely had too much", Han comments on your behaviour, sitting across from you with an arm around Leia, followed by a laugh. "I think I have rarely seen her like this and I have seen a lot."

"Han, you could use another drink, don't you think?", you answer him provocatively, but before you can elaborate, you feel the warmth of Luke's hand running up and down your arm. Heat rushes to your face, your cheeks turning red, but you just reach for his other hand and play with his fingers enthusiastically.

"I never thought I would see Ewoks in my life! I mean, did you look at them? They are so cute, I can't believe they stopped an army of stormtroopers by themselves!", you gush in awe upon watching these little creatures dance around their fire. "Don't worry, Luke. You are still cute as hell, too."

"Oh wow, it must sting to be compared to little furry bears", Han chuckles, putting his hand over his mouth to stop himself from laughing out loud. Leia, also trying to hold back her laughter for her brother's sake, hits Han with her elbow.

"Stop it, Han. I am not even talking to you, just to Luke. Look at you! Such a beautiful face!", you grin, running your index finger along Luke's jawline. Your faces are so close now that they are almost touching and as soon as your eyes meet, the world around you becomes silent.

But just when Luke thinks you are about to close the gap between you, you throw your arms around his neck and place a kiss on his cheek, your arms wrapped tightly around his neck.

"I really love you, Luke", you whisper, or at least think you are whispering, because Han comments your words with inhaling in shock.

"No, that is news to me. I would never have expected that in my life, with the way you always look at each other-"

"Han!" Luke and Leia interrupt him at the same time and he immediately raises his hands in the air in defense, an expression of innocence on his face.

"It is not at all fun to say if you don't say it back, Luke", you sadly pout now, skillfully ignoring Han or not even noticing him due to your numbed senses. Because you are moving too much again, you almost slide off Luke's lap once more, but he holds you tight again in the last moment so that does not happen.

"Well, I think it is time for you to lie down now. It was a long evening and-"

"B-But we haven't even danced with each other yet!", you say indignantly as Luke stands up with you and immediately grab his hand, lifting it up to do several clumsy pirouettes underneath.

To prevent you from tripping over your own feet again, Luke casually lifts you into his arms, causing you to squeal as everything around you suddenly seems to spin even more. Not resisting or fighting back, enjoying the closeness you now have to him too much, you wave to Leia and Han over Luke's shoulder and let him carry you into one of the huts further up in the treetops.

Luke gently lays you down on the small mattress laid out in your hut and covers you with the blanket, sitting next to you. Your eyes are already half closed, but one of your hands is still clinging tightly to his.

"I love you too, you can't even imagine how much", Luke admits before giving you a kiss on the forehead and leaving you to your dreams, which for the first time are only consisting of positive things.

════════════

Scattered rays of light shine into your face, causing you to wake up far too early after the previous long night. Slowly, you open your eyes and listen to the soft rustling of the leaves outside. You stretch your arms above your head as you yawn and sit up, running your hands through your face as the first effects of last night make themselves noticeable.

You curse under your breath as you rise on shaky legs, having to hold onto the wall of the small hut to keep your balance. You already regret not drinking less yesterday, but it felt so good in the moment. Completely sleepy and not yet fully awake, you stumble out onto the wooden platform high up in the trees and stop in your tracks when you see Luke standing on the railing in front of you, looking out over the Ewok village.

The light wind blows through his hair and the sunlight causes his face to shine naturally. Barely able to take your eyes off him, memories of last night suddenly come to your mind and your heart beats faster. You can't remember everything, there are some missing parts in your memories, but what you can remember brings a blush to your cheeks in an instant.

Wanting nothing more than to immediately disappear back into your hut because you just do not want to be confronted with your actions of last night, you slowly turn around, retreating, but as soon as he says your name, you know he does not even need to see you to know you are there.

With a smile, Luke turns to you, leaning his back against the railing.

"Slept well?", he asks gently, but you think you can also hear a certain amount of concern in his voice.

With a nod, you slowly walk towards him, looking away because you just can't keep eye contact, too afraid of what you might see in his eyes.

"How are you?", you ask carefully as you lean over the railing next to him and he looks at you from the side, his focus solely on you which makes your cheek feel even warmer. Playing with a strand of rope that is holding the wood of the railing together, you wait for his answer, your heart beating loudly in your ears as your shoulders touch.

"I'm good. We won so..", Luke chuckles quietly, but immediately falls awkwardly silent again.

You stand next to each other in silence for several minutes, just listening to the wind and the peaceful sounds of the forest. But you both feel that there is something unspoken between you and neither of you knows how or whether to address it. Once Luke finally clears his throat, you brace yourself for the worst.

"You don't have to be embarrassed about what happened last night if that is why you are not speaking to me like you usually do", Luke addresses the rancor in the room and you want to run away and lock yourself up somewhere and just never come out again.

"Luke, I'm incredibly sorry. I-I had too much to drink and my behavior was completely inappropriate", you apologize to him, head down because you just can't manage to look at him without immediately turning bright red. Why are you suddenly so completely out of control of your emotions?

"Oh... I see. Uhm, you don't have to apologize. I mean, if it was just the effects of having too much to drink, then it was probably just a mistake.."

"W-What do you mean?", you ask in surprise, not knowing what he is trying to imply. Or maybe you do know and just do not want to admit it.

"Well, I mean- So I- Would it be wrong of me if, deep down, I hoped that it was more than that? That it was, maybe, real?"

"Luke, what are you talking about...?"

"Would it be so bad if it was real? Do you really feel about me that way?", he asks you and now you finally look into each other's eyes and you hold your breath, searching his eyes for any signs that will tell you what is going on, if he actually means his words.

"Because if that were the case, then all I can say is that I feel the same way about you. Maybe even more", he continues, not letting you speak as he takes your hands in his. "I really really love you too. I told you yesterday, but I don't think-"

"I know. I think I heard it", is the only thing you can say in response to his confession, your thoughts swirling around in your head. You never would have thought that he would feel the same way about you and for some reason your heart now beats a little more painfully than before because you just feel so much love for this man in front of you.

"As I told you yesterday, Luke: I really love you too", you admit openly and before you know it, he wraps you in his arms and hugs you as tightly as if you wouldn't experience the next day.

And in that moment you realize that you would never find a safer place than right here, in his arms. That no matter what comes your way in the future, nothing matters as long as you have each other. And finally, after all this time, you do have each other.

[fansplaining]

IWTV is the best show on TV. In today’s media environment, it is singular to be able to enjoy a show without the toxicity of the large fandoms. I have found that a majority of the show’s fans are hardcore Anne Rice fans making conversations about the show far more interesting. I am concerned of how this will change once S1 premiers on Netflix. The show deserves a larger audience and it will get it after it premiers on Netflix, but I hope the show runners remain true to the source material and continue on the path they have laid. Looking forward to future IWTV episodes.

Hello! Apologies for the delay in answering this, which I believe was in response to this article I wrote about the show and its audiences. With the official announcement this week that the AMC slate of shows are coming to Netflix on August 19th—

(also: lol Netflix, thank u)

—I was reminded to come back to it!

I totally agree with you re: the show itself, of course—but I also think you've curated your feeds very well haha. I've been observing many corners of the fandom throughout s2, partly because I was reporting on the fan/creator stuff, partly because I'm in the fandom, too. Fandoms are multifarious, and I'm not trying to paint with an overly broad brush—I've seen a ton of creativity and plenty of smart analysis etc. But I have also seen *so* much toxicity and *so* many willfully bad readings over the past few weeks, it's been shocking. Twitter in particular seems to have a literal Discourse of the Day and I don't understand how this is going to be sustainable over the year+ until s3 (lord help us all when s3 arrives lol).

There's a running joke—made so many times I'm not even thinking of a specific post—that people fear ~the Netflix masses~ will bring Bad Takes, but it seems highly likely a casual viewer will go, "Wow! Entertaining!" and move on with their lives, whereas existing fans of this show are already rocket-launching The Worst Takes at each other like clockwork (and even at random viewers who love the show but aren't a part of fandom conversations—because they don't like a person's phrasing, or the picture they chose for a post, etc etc etc).

As far as the idea that Rolin Jones or AMC will waver from their plans, I absolutely don't see that happening. AMC has long licensed their shows to large-audience platforms (Netflix in particular), but they're not making TV *for* those platforms. Jones and (IWTV EP) Mark Johnson have been pretty explicit about how they only could have made this show at AMC. I also found these post-finale comments from Jones very interesting:

I’m confident that we made the best vampire show we could make. I’m proud of the adaptation. There’s the element of second windows, how these things are going to be disseminated going forward. There does seem to be a lot of legwork done by fans. I look at 98 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, and part of me is like, Ugh, that’s way too high. If the intention here is to make something that will haunt you and that will work 15, 20 years from now, did we piss off enough people?

There was another interview I cannot find now about how a larger viewing audience in those "second windows" means more chances for the people who really connect to the show to find it. I've loved seeing that this season, even—people who hadn't checked it out for whatever reason and have now been changed by it. When I wrote that article, fans were kind of cycling in an information vacuum, with minimal signals from AMC/the creators that the metrics for success weren't a pure numbers game. But in the final press run, they hit that message hard—they are in it for the long run, they want to make the best show they can, and they understand this is a sustained partnership with fans. I think they're going to continue taking the biggest creative swings they can, and I can't wait to see what's next.

(BTW, IWTV folks: I pulled @flourish away from their baby for 90 minutes and despite their combined total of perhaps 10 hours of sleep over the past 4 weeks lol we managed to finally record a season 2 special episode. It should be out for patrons early next week!)

[olympushit]

Keeping up with the Olympians

#kuwto

Episode 7:

Preview: Olympus and the Underworld are a living hell! Zeus and Hera are back to the fighting scene after the "bitch" incident. Poseidon and Amphitrite are in tge same fate as Zeus and Hera, but a little better. Hades decides to take Persephone on a vacation in the unknown lands of the Underworld. Ares and Aphrodite celebrate their union again once and for all, while Apollo falls in love with Hyacinthus. Many more to follow on this unholy episode!

Scene 1: (Zeus and Hera back on Olympus)

Hera: I can't believe you!

Zeus: You act like you don't know me.

Hera: What do you expect me to do?

Zeus: Get over it!

Hera: Really?

Zeus: Why so aggressive?

Hera: You think that's aggressive? I'll show you aggressive!

Zeus: Hera! No! Not the condoms! I need them!

Hera: For what exactly?

Zeus: Oops!

Hera: I'll kill you with my own hands!

Zeus: Catch the thunder bitch!

Zeus' confessional:

Thanks to my thunderbolts I run away this time! But I don't know for how long I can hide from her! Until she finds me, let's seduce this little mortal girl!

Hera's confessional:

He may have run away, but he doesn't know that I have installed a mini tracker on his wedding ring! Hephaestus darling, you are my favorite son! For today at least!

____________

Scene 2: (Poseidon and Amphitrite)

Poseidon: Babe, let's talk it out!

Amphitrite: Did the wall just talk?

Poseidon: Don't act like that!

Amphitrite: Yeah, definitely the wall is talking.

Poseidon: I'll say whatever I have to say and if you want listen to me! I love you more than everything in this world! You are my queen, my equal, my eternal consort, my other half. Without you a day passes awfully slow, painfully alone! My heart calms around you, my soul is screaming your name! If I didn't love you, I wouldn't have chased you so far away from Greece to get you to notice me when you refused my proposal in the very beginning! Please my queen, forgive me!

Amphitrite ready to cry: You mean it Poseidon? You really love me that much?

Poseidon: If I didn't love you, I wouldn't be here now!

Amphitrite: Ok then, I forgive you, but this is the last chance I give you!

Poseidon: I'm forever grateful honey!

Amphitrite's confessional:

I am really moved by Poseidon's words! I can't believe he loves me that much!

Poseidon's confessional:

Thanks goodness Eros wrote down those sweet words I told her! I owe you one nephew!

___________

Scene 3: (Ares, Aphrodite, Hermes and Dionysus)

Ares: I can't believe I got him out of my plate!

Aphrodite: It was about time!

Ares: So, how are we gonna celebrate our reconciliation?

Aphrodite: Let's burn all Apollo's photos!

Ares: Let's paint the curtains red!

Aphrodite: You mean the town red?

Ares: No! The curtains! He hates red curtains!

Aphrodite: That's diabolical!

Ares: Babe, I'm fucking war!

Aphrodite: I love your fierceness baby!

Hermes on the phone behind the door: Apollo, Ares will paint your curtains red-

Ares: Wait! Did you hear that?

Aphrodite moves to open the door and Hermes falls on the floor forward along with Dionysus.

Ares: You stupid ass bitches! What are you doing in my palace?

Hermes: Apollo hung up, they discovered us!

Dionysus:It's not what it looks like!

Aphrodite: Apollo told you to come and spy on us! Traitors! Hermes, I thought we were friends!

Hermes: No no! Apollo has no idea about it! I swear on Styx!

Dionysus: Wow! You suck at telling the truth!

Hermes: I am a professional liar! What did you expect?

Ares: So, if Apollo doesn't know about this, then why are you here?

Dionysus: We care about him, and we wanted to see if this was for real!

Ares: Wow! You are unbelievable!

Hermes: I know I am!

Aphrodite: He wasn't complimenting you!

Hermes: Nevermind.

Ares: Get lost from my palace both of you!

Dionysus: Or else?

Ares: Deimos! Phobos! Hermes said you are lame!

Hermes: What?

Dionysus: Ain't no fucking way!

Hermes: Run for your life!

__________

Scene 4: (Apollo, Hermes, Dionysus)

Apollo's confessional:

I don't care about Ares anymore! Hyacinthus is a real sunshine, a real loyal lover!

Hermes: Apollo! Help!

Apollo: What's wrong? And what were you saying on the phone earlier?

Dionysus: That's not important right now! Deimos and Phobos are on their way here!

Apollo: Oh no! What did you do?

Hermes: We were spying on Ares and he unleashed those two little brats to chase us away from his palace!

Apollo: You idiots! Deimos and Phobos went on vacation with their girlfriends a week ago!

Dionysus: Damn! He is right!

Hermes: We are safe!

Apollo: Ok, what's the matter now?

Hermes: Ares wants to paint your curtains red and burn your photos!

Apollo: Who cares about him? Hyacinthus has my heart now!

Dionysus: Did you overcome it so quickly?

Apollo: Love is the solution to everything!

Hermes: Ok then! So what now?

Apollo: I'll enjoy my life with him!

Dionysus: You know him only for one week!

Apollo: I knew Ares for centuries and this id how it turned out!

Hermes: He has a point there.

Apollo: I'll focus on myself more, I'll think positively amd I'll devote myself on everything that makes me feel happy!

Dionysus: I'm happy for you bro!

Hermes: We will always be there for you!

_____________

Scene 5: (Persephone and Hades)

Persephone's confessional:

Hades told me we will have splendid vacation after our fight. He said he will show me places I have never seen in my life again. I can't wait!

Hades: Babe! Are you ready?

Persephone: Yep!

Hades: Wait, why 3 suitcases?

Persephone: I didn't know where we are going, so I took summer and winter clothes! Shouldn't have I?

Hades: Actually, never mind! Let's go.

Persephone: I don't like that tone Hades. Is something wrong?

Hades: You shouldn't have packed anything.

Persephone: You are right! All we need is one another!

Hades: That's the spirit babe! Now let's go to Tartarus.

Persephone: Tartarus? What are we gonna do there?

Hades: We will go to Tartarus to see the titans.

Persephone: Excuse me?

Hades: After all these years we are together, I find it strange that you haven't shown interest in meeting our ancestors.

Persephone: Are you serious? Cronos swallowed you when you were a baby! Why would I meet him personally?

Hades: There is no interest to your grandfather?

Persephone: He is a scumbag!

Hades: Persephone! Show some respect to my family!

Persephone: Excuse you, but you weren't respectful to my mother when you abducted me!

Hades: That's besides the point!

Persephone: Really? Is that so?

Hades: What else did you expect?

Persephone: I'm outta here!

Hades: You can't go to your mother!

Persephone: Watch me Hades!

____________

Scene 6: (Demeter, Hestia, Hera and Persephone)

Hera's confessional:

After everything that happened with Zeus, I really need my sisters by my side.

Hera: He called me bitch!

Demeter: Who calls someone like that in a sexy way!

Hera: Exactly.

Hestia: That's disgraceful!

Persephone barges into the room crying

Persephone: Mommy!

Demeter: Baby!

Hug scene

Demeter: Why are you crying? Did your shitty man do something stupid?

Persephone: Yeah, he wanted to take me to meet Cronos!

Hera:.....

Hestia:.....

Demeter:......

Persephone: Hey! Tell me something! Why so silent?

Hestia: Well, that's not something weird to me.

Hera: I agree.

Demeter: That's why you are sad?

Persephone: Excuse me, what's wrong with everyone today?

Demeter: He may be a shitty man, but still it is no harm to watch him even from far away. He is our dad afterall.

Persephone: Are you listening to yourself?

Hera: Well, little Persephone, know that all of us have visited our dad over the centuries.

Hestia: He is our dad and thus your grandad. I don't see why not.

Persephone: I'm outta here!

Persephone departs

Hera: Anyways! Where were we?

Hestia: At the bitch topic. But what is to die for was Demeter with Poseidon and Amphitrite fighting!

Hera: Ohhh! What did I lose?

Demeter: I'd rather not talk about it.

Persephone barges again into the room.

Persephone: What happened with Poseidon?

Demeter: Oh dear lord!

Hera: Spit it out sis!

Demeter: We slept together. Amphitrite found out and came here looking for the ankle monitor detector. But Poseidon was also there and we ended up fighting with Hestia swinging your white sheet as a peace flag.

Hera: My white sheet?

Hestia: Did you prefer I took one of Zeus' white underwear instead?

Persephone: What? No! She'll catch gonorrhea!

Hera: What?

Demeter: Darling! That wasn't very nice!

Hera: Run for your miserable life Persephone!

Persephone starts running with Hera following right behind.

Hestia: This week is quite tiring!

Demeter: You tell me!

__________

Scene 7: (Athena, Artemis, Ares)

Athena: Don't tell a single soul, but I stole Ares' shield!

Artemis: Wait! How did you lift it? I thought he was the only one who could lift his shield!

Athena: Nothing escapes my mind!

Artemis: That's why I love you!

Athena: I love you too sis! Now let's take it to Hephaestus!

Artemis: Wait! Why?

Athena: Hephaestus wants to apologize to Ares and we need to help him.

Artemis: I never thought you would help out Ares make up with his brother.

Athena: I'm doing this for Hephaestus, not this hotheaded bitch!

Ares barges in

Ares: You lil bitch! You stole my shield!

Athena: What? Who? Me?

Ares: Yes! You! You are holding it right now!

Athena: Oh! That's a replica one! I told Hephaestus to make tge same one for me!

Ares: You think I am stupid?

Athena: Yes, but that's a conversation for another time.

Ares: Give it back now!

Athena: But it's not yours!

Ares: But it is!

Athena: But it's not!

Ares: But it's not!

Athena: But it is!

Artemis:.....

Athena: Shit!

Ares: You said it yourself, now give it back you pussy bitch!

Athena: Over my dead body!

Ares: You wanna fight? I'll give you a fight!

Athena: Come on! You'll lose again as always!

Ares: I don't think so this time!

Ares departs.

Artemis: What was that now?

Athena: I don't know!

Artemis: You better sleep with an eye open.

Athena: Pfft! Bitch please! What is he gonna do?

____________

Scene 8: ( Hephaestus and Hermes)

Hephaestus: I can't believe that!

Hermes: Isn't that amazing?

Hephaestus: Definitely!

Hermes: Why do you wanna apologize to Ares?

Hephaestus: Because I know I was on the wrong. He had a relationship with Aphrodite way before. They had children together!

Hermes: Is that all? Then why did you break them apart?

Hephaestus: Because I thought that Aphrodite would ameliorate my status on this unholy mountain, but apparently that was wrong!

Hermes: I'm glad you acknowledge your mistake!

Hephaestus: I am a shitty brother!

Hermes: I think that Ares is gonna appreciate it.

Hephaestus: You think so?

Hermes: Both of you are very misunderstood bro. He is in tge same place as you.

Hephaestus: I hope it ends well this time!

_____________

THAT'S EPISODE 7!

I made it!

I hope you liked that episode, I had fun writting it!

Till episode 8!

3 more episodes and then Keeping up with the Olympians will finally end!

Stay tuned! 💜✌️😀

[nevereverthem]

how do you think the mystic falls gang would have reacted if bonnie actually hooked up with kai?

TVD what if :

Ok, I tried thinking about this one and it was a bit hard. I focus so much on Bonkai these days that I kind of forgot how the other characters think and act.

I still wrote some stuff. Hope it's not OOC or at least not too much.

Please tell me in the comments !!!!

It doesn't make people want to read when I denigrate my own thoughts and writing, does it ? 💀💀💀💀

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Depends on the moment, but let's imagine Bonnie and Kai actually stayed longer in the prison world. They decide on a sort of 'truce' and end up hooking up not so long after. You know, sexual tension and all. 🙄 Then Kai will remember his sister's knife, betray Bonnie etc....

We've got Kai post-merge. He helps the gang stop Bonnie from killing herself. She comes back home.

Blabla.... Here we are a little time before they go to get the Salvatore mom from 1903.

Kai gets to handle his new emotions but is still being cocky and insensitive at times.

Damon's reaction :

Kai's nonchalantly sitting on a couch in the Salvatore house. Damon's here, keeping an eye on him.

_ You know, I can't believe you spent four months in that hellhole with such a beautiful woman and never tried anything.

Damon rolls his eyes at him, annoyed.

_ Maybe you're not her type. Though it only took me two weeks to get her consent.

The vampire can't believe what he just heard. His body tenses.

_ What are you saying ?

Kai grins wide, pleased he piqued Damon's curiosity.

_ Two witches in a bedroom. What could have happened ? I say bedroom but I should add couch, kitchen-

He doesn't have the time to finish his sentence that he's shoved against the nearest wall, vampire arms' strength keeping him in place.

_ She would never touch you.

Damon almost spits his words at Kai who's not impressed.

_ Oh, she did.

The vampire pushes him further on the wall if it's even possible. His eyes are dark, filled with rage.

_ Damon, stop !

Bonnie's voice reaches them from the side. They both look at her, then back at each other.

_ That's her bossy side that appealed me the most.

_ Shut up Kai.

_ See ?

Damon sakes him once more. Kai could easily throw him away with magic but it's way more fun to see him lose his temper over their sexual interaction.

_ What did he do ?

The vampire answers, eyes locked on the man he's maintaining on the wall.

_ He says you slept with him.

There's a short moment of silence.

_ Oh, that.... Yes, I did.

_ What !?

Damon turns his head to her, an incredulous look on his face.

_ I slept with him. So, what ?

_ We're talking about Kai.

The man in question raises a hand.

_ Yup. Here !

He's being ignored by both of them, so he lowers his hand. Damon continues.

_ The guy tried to kill me when we met. He shot you with an arrow. He left you in that prison world all by yourself and-

_ And, yet you ask me to work with him to get your mom back. Let's say we're even.

Damon freezes a second, he doesn't say anything. Kai mouthes a 'wow' with his lips and nods on agreement.

_ So, now would you please let him go ? We need him for the spell.

Damon looks back at Kai with murderous eyes. The bastard wears a stupid smile on his face. He's lucky to be useful today. The vampire reluctantly releases him, stepping back.

Kai gives Bonnie a warm smile.

_ Thank you-

_ Don't.

She stops him, hand in the air. She then turns her back on them, heading to the kitchen. Damon follows her, throwing Kai a look that indicates him to leave them alone....

Caroline's reaction :

I think she would want to argue about the 'bad guy, bad decision' thing. Blabla.

But she had no existence in what happened to Bonnie. She was too busy taking care of her mom who was in hospital. Then, when she was dead, Caroline decided to turn her humanity off. She didn't even have any sort of reaction when she saw Bonnie was back.

And in my opinion she would be the last person to be able to judge her since she slept with Klaus. And we all know all that it implies.

Overall, I think she might want to argue but then just make sure her friend is okay (when she has her humanity back on).

Elena's reaction :

I feel like she would understand-ish. ~

I mean, she's in love with a guy who kills people when he's heartbroken sooooo..... 🙄

She would be like "Sure, he kidnapped me, chased me through our highschool and practiced magic on me like I was his personal guinea pig.... But he's cute and I'm sure there's good in him, deep down. I found it in Damon, so hey, who am I to judge ? Also, the guy almost died to help saving you from killing yourself. So I guess sleeping with him balances it all. Oh right you didn't know about that part ? Surprise ! You would be dead if that weren't for him. Yes, that's his fault you were trapped by yourself in the first place....... He fixed his 'mistake' ? Anyway, I don't mind......... Is he good in bed ? .... What ? Just asking. 🙄🤣

Stefan's reaction :

Honestly I have no idea. He's been too busy with Caroline, basically. 😭

Kai sort of helped get Stefan's mom back.

I suppose he'd just want to be sure Bonnie's alright. And he'd be like 🤷‍♀️.

Matt's reaction :

I'm sure he would be like "WTF Bonnie ?"

He would be shocked at first but he would be more worried than anything else. Bonnie's traumatized by what she went through. The conflict between the trauma and the sexual interaction could be hard on her.

At the same time, he's used to having friends who make dubious choices. So, he's focused on being happy Bonnie's here.

_ Whatever you decide. Just be safe.

_ I'm not in a relationship. I've just slept with him.

_ Whatever. Just be safe. I don't want to lose more of my friend to that supernatural shit.

Tyler's reaction :

At that point, he would be so protective of Liv that the shock is sort of rapidly replaced by something like "Use whatever sexual power you have over him to keep him away from Liv."

When Liv decided to go and try to kill Kai she "chose death over" Tyler. Now they're separated. But he still cares.

_ I love her. So keep him away.

Bonnie's like "WTF !?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, that's it !

I hope my rambling was up to your expectations. That's what came to mind when I thought about your question.

Btw, I first wrote it entirely and was so satisfied, but I forgot to save it..... I was so pissed and had to write it all again. I feel like the previous version was way better but I could not remember it all perfectly. 😭😭😭😭

So here we are.

Tell me what you think in the comments !

💀💀💀💀

The Vampire Diaries Masterlist

[emilieautumnarchives]

Emilie Autumn for the 59th Sound (1/28/2013)

Original Link Last accessed 9/21/2024

The 59th Sound recently had a very revealing, yet incredibly rewarding chat with Harvest alumni Emilie Autumn,  who is returning to Australia in March for a headline tour of the East Coast, courtesy of Soundwave Touring.

Hi Emilie! I'm Olivia from The 59th Sound. Thanks for talking with us today. How are you? Hi, I'm excellent! Olivia's my favourite name on the face of the planet, by the way. How are you?

Oh really? I'm very well thank you. What have you been up to recently? Well right now I'm stuck. Well not really. I'm emotionally stuck, but I'm physically snuggled up in bed in a hotel in North Carolina and it's absolutely hurricaning outside. We've been told that we're going to have a hard time getting back on our bus in the morning. Right now though the girls and I are just going to have a romantic evening in our hotel room just being stupid and drinking wine. That's probably going to happen for the rest of the night because we can't do much else anyway!

Sounds like fun! One of your performance trademarks is the violin which you've been learning since you were young. What was your childhood like? Was it a very musical upbringing? It was, but not because I was surrounded by musical parents or family or anything. It was [musical] just because that's what I did. The violin was something I asked for when I was really small and I just had this insane affinity for it. I was shy and inward like most kids and afraid of people and speaking. It instantaneously became my way to speak and communicate. That's the way I grew up and gained confidence to the point where I just had to break out of the very conservative classical world because I didn't want to only be doing cover songs my whole life - I wanted to write my own music. When you're played a Beethoven concerto you're still covering a song. It could be the most genius song ever but it's still a cover because you've only learnt it and it's a song that many other people are playing. I still play that music, I'll always play that music, and I'll always make classical violin recordings forever but I had to start telling my own story at some point. It was the violin that gave me the tools to be able to do that and to be able to communicate and have any confidence at all. Once I had a sense of who I was I could take over and start speaking and singing and using my own words with this beautiful piece of wood that I would stick under my chin every day.

You've previously said that you had auditory hallucinations brought on by bipolar disorder and sleep when you were younger. Can you tell us more about that? For a lack of other words, the "voices in my head" situation?  There's not really much to tell other than what I wrote about in my autobiography. Truthfully, I've spent a lifetime going to psychiatrists asking what they thought it was and nobody's been able to tell me anything. When people from other worlds stop talking to you there isn't a doctor alive that can say that's what that is. All they can say is "Is that happening to you now?" To which I say a very wisely thought-out no, because if you say it's happening to you now they'll say that's 100% schizophrenia and you'll have to be locked up or heavily medicated. But if that kind of things happens to you as a child, that isn't necessarily what that means at all. I have my own thoughts now as a grown-up on what that whole thing was about.

Wow, this is kind of odd because I've never talked about this in an interview before ever! I'm not exactly sure how far to take this.

What I believe now is that I think those voices were of an entity watching over me and taking care of me spiritually in order to keep out some very dark things. I think what started happening was that there was a dark entity and a light entity and they were sort of going to war within me. I think that's something that is related to a bipolar situation because you had these two sides and I think when I was really small [the entities] were just figuring out what was going on and just getting to know each other. It was actually the voices of these two sides making this arrangement and trying to keep me safe. It was terrifying at the time because I didn't know how to deal with it.

Do you think those kind of voices or hallucinations have influenced your music? Yes, in the greatest way possible. I was overwhelmed with these voices in my head on a daily basis. It became a constant part of my life that I'd share my life with these things, I'd have them talk to me, and I would try get them to go away. The only way that I could deal with it and to stop going mad was to play music in my head. So my ability to write actually came from that – I’d write full symphonies in my head and that’s how my albums are created. Everything [musical] was created in my head because I had to be able to manifest complete detailed pieces of music that I had heard in order to have something that was loud enough to quite the voices that were talking to me all the time. Because of that ability to recreate music and manifest it when I needed it, it’s now my ultimate and primary communication device. If I need to tell a story I just go into my head and manifest this thing and all of a sudden I would have an album or a string quartet or whatever the hell it needs to be. It completely programs my brain to work the way that it does. It sounds really cliché but I needed this thing – I needed music to basically save me. It sounds very melodramatic but it’s also true. [When I was young] I was beside myself, I didn’t know what to do, I was absolutely terrified all the time screaming or crying or going absolutely out of my mind. It was the only thing that could calm me down and it wasn’t listening to it being played, it was actually playing it in my head.

So yes, it has influenced me, definitely. The only reason I work the way that I do is because I had to and now I just can. So really it’s another thing I can be grateful for because I can only regret – I can’t resent a lot of things that have happened to me because they’ve made me somebody that I’m now learning to like! That might make me sound silly but I’m really grateful to be able to do that. It gives me the tools to pretty much do my job.

Definitely. When you became a teenager your musical tastes started to shift where you focused more on the rock rather than the classical side. What do you think your influences were as a teenager and as a young adult? Outside the world of classical music my influences have always primarily been theatre – Broadway and the like. From there, gravitating towards rock music, I was getting into things like Queen and David Bowie. I would look at them and think that that’s what I wanted to get in to. They weren’t just playing the same three chords. They had actual skill and were fearless. They were theatrical and acted the way they wanted. They sung about real things and they didn’t apologise for what they stood for. I wanted to put all that into a really entertaining package and Bowie and Freddie Mercury were great examples to me. From there it wasn’t any particular artist; it was really a style of sound.

I got really in to industrial music because it was the style of percussion – it was just noises. The reason I got into industrial programming in my own music was because it alerted me to a landscape that was already out there and then I wanted to make my own percussive kits that were made up of samples and things from the Victorian era – things from a hundred years ago, which was more like, “this is the sound of a steam engine, this is the sound of a factory”. So my own music – it was kind of a joke in the past but it’s become serious – is in the Victorian-industrial genre. And that’s specifically because I was using that style of modern percussion as a way to illustrate the landscape of the time. When they went through the Industrial Revolution – the real one – you had the dissolving of the class system, factories were going up and other people were losing their jobs. It was chaos but it was also the emerging of technology and everything was moving so quickly. That was the sound I wanted to be going on behind these new modern stories that I wanted to tell.

I know I kind of went off-track there but that’s how I got into the modern thing. It was me realizing, “okay there’s all this stuff going on out there,” then realizing, “whoa, there are A LOT of tools" which, along with the skill and discipline and the work ethic I had built up since I was small, I can use as a storyteller and that’s what it’s really all about. It’s about how to become the best storyteller that I can possibly be.  

Breaking into the music scene must have been pretty hard seeing as your sound is so unique. How did you do it? I’ve always felt that in my life I’ve always been breaking away from things. To this day I haven’t really broken in to anything. I think the reason I have any degree of success now is because I didn’t stop doing what it is I wanted to do and I didn’t wait for anyone to choose me and to say, “you are the next big thing”. I’m not the next big thing; I’m never going to be the next big thing; I don’t WANT to be the next big thing!

If you’re the next big thing that means from then you’re not the next big thing and then what are you? So I think it’s been more about getting rid of people, influences, [record] labels, everything. I had to get out of my last label to put my new record out on my own, which I have released on my own label.

I’m constantly discovering myself by not being discovered by other people and I think that’s exactly what happened. Nobody did care what I had to say but the moment I stopped giving a fuck what anybody cared about, that’s when everybody started caring about what I had to say! It’s backwards. That’s what happened when I put out the Opheliac record. I wasn’t on a label; I wasn’t on anything. I had been on labels in the past that I’ve gotten off at the last possible minute when I felt my soul being taken away from me. So I broke away from everything, made that record, and because it was so honest about not giving a fuck about anything or doing it in any style or genre, that’s when it was pretty much instantaneously heard. Within a couple of weeks I was on the cover of one of the major German gothic-industrial magazines and I didn’t even know that was the style I was!

At that time in Europe – around the five- or six-year-ago mark – they needed something new and different and there was nobody doing something that was really genre defying at that moment, especially a girl. So that happened and it was still a matter of not listening or paying attention to anybody, to keep a laser-focus on constantly developing your sound, and keeping the drive not for anybody else: not to money or fame or the semblance of any other. Just keep remembering why you’re doing this. You’re doing this to tell a story; you’re doing this to learn about yourself and thereby learning about other people. When it ultimately became about the whole mental health issue, then it became about doing this to help myself by whom I’d also help other people. Then it came into this whole thing that is now unstoppable. You can’t take it away now; it’s already there. It’s not just a song, it’s several records, it’s a book, it’s a show, it’s a musical. Now I’m in that beautiful position where I no longer have to care about what anyone thinks because if I just keep on doing what I’m doing, the people that need to be there will be there and the people that don’t need to be there are the people that I don’t care if they’re there or not.

It’s one of those situations where the less you care what other people think, the more they care about you. It’s kind of beautiful in that way, to finally see something happen for only the right reasons. It’s not like there’s a label with money, there’s no massive PR campaign. If anybody knows about me and likes it, it’s because they sincerely do. It’s not because they heard it on the radio so many times that they’re like, “well I guess I like it because I’ve heard it fifty times.” It just seems very sincere at this moment and that’s why I think I’ll always have this audience because they’re loyal and because they came here on their own.

That’s very insightful of you. Unfortunately we’ve run out of time but it’s been a pleasure talking to you. I hate it when that happens!

Hopefully we’ll be able to talk again when you come Down Under in March. But enjoy the rest of your night and thanks again for talking with The 59th Sound today!

[pink-chevalier]

Journal Entry: Spring 08

Wow, it's been a while since I last wrote anything. I'm sorry about that. I got a bit distracted with some other things, so I didn't have the chance to update you. Damn, I can't believe I just apologized to a book, but whatever. I don't know where to really start or what to even write because a lot happened, but I guess I can explain why you're heavily decorated. After school today, Ophelia and I went to the stationery store to buy some crafting stuff. She wanted to write in her diary again, but she also forgot about it because shit happens. At the time, I thought it was a good idea, but I forgot that I'm not that creative when it comes to doing things like this. So, this is why you're somewhat heavily decorated; Ophelia picked the theme of spring, and I just went with it since I had nothing else planned for you. 

Ophelia and I are in the same school now since her school burned down. Maple Hills was an all-boys school, but apparently they were planning on becoming co-ed, and her school burning down is what gave them the push. I think they only did it because they needed money or something. I don't think anyone saw that coming, but I'm glad it did because I kinda like having Ophelia around. Nothing fun or interesting happened today. I found out that Sammy and Kameron didn't make anything official with Jaxi and Scarlett. I'm not surprised, since Sammy gets nervous and is convinced that Jaxi's too good for him, while Kameron believes that Scarlett doesn't want him. 

I don't really know what's going on with them, but I hope they figure it out, since the girls are also in school with us. 

Writing all this down made me realized that my whole friend group is dating. Dating isn't something that I really thought about… I don't think I'll make a good boyfriend. Who would even want to date me? I'm not that fun, and I'm average-looking. A snail has more of a personality than I do, and that's really saying a lot coming from me. 

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