#wouldn’t have been able to wear them anyway though because I’ve just remembered my plaid skirt is in the darning hoop

[icterid-rubus]

I wanted to make some kilt hose for the Highland Games but could only manage a single ho 😔

Guess I could hop.

[timeaftertime-chriscornellfanfic]

Chapter 45 - Hey There, Little Time Traveler

Seattle Washington, December 24 1990

(Andi is 20, Chris is 26)

ANDI: Later on that evening, we arrive at Layne and Demri's for some Christmas drinks and maybe a bit of a jam session. I could tell that Chris just wanted to let lose and have fun after the whole confrontation with his father earlier, so what better way to spend Christmas eve than with friends that we both love an adore.

For as long as I've know Chris, I've never met his father. He just wasn't apart of the picture and he rarely -  if ever -  talked about him at all, and I never asked what happened between them. For Chris to react the way he did, there had to have been issues that are obviously not resolved and I for one, am not going to push anything on him. It's not my place to.

After Chris had stepped outside, Ed was asking me a few more questions about myself and how we met. I didn't tell him in great detail, I just told him that we met through a friend of ours and that we got married back in September. I figure I would leave out the whole time travelling part because that's a whole other conundrum of a topic I don't really care to discuss. I did get a little uncomfortable when he would try and explain what had happened with the family in the past. Again, it's not my place, and I started to get the feeling that maybe Ed was trying to downplay what happened during Chris's childhood and that he really wasn't that bad and that he wanted to make amends. That was when I excused myself to the kitchen and grabbed some pie and went outside. It just didn't feel right. There is no way that Chris would act that way if it didn't affect him and there is no way I'm going to try to convince my husband that his father - who I've only known for an hour - that he had the best intentions. No matter what I'm going to be on Chris's side and there's nothing and no one who can change that.

Right now, Chris and I are sitting in the living room of Layne and Demri's apartment, him leaning against me sipping his beer with his arm across my lap, listening to everyone's laughter. He looks so gorgeous with his curls pulled back, wearing his 90 logo baseball hat, his silver hoop earrings shining in the dim light of the living room.

"...man, just stay with me and Andi," Chris says to Jerry as he takes another sip of his beer, which surprised me for a moment and I glance at Chris with my eyebrow raised. I'll be honest, I was only half hearing the conversation between them as I sip my Jack and Coke, but that statement caught my attention quick.

"No I couldn't do that to you guys, I mean you two just got married..."

"Jerry it's cool... look you can't keep hopping from couch to couch, trust me, I've been there, it sucks," Chris says. He then takes another sip and Jerry glances at me as if to ask me if it's alright.

"Well, if Andi says it's ok?" Jerry says still giving me that look and Chris turns to look at me. Again, I wish I had actually heard the whole conversation but I couldn't say no that face.

"Yea... yea of course you can stay with us. As long as you need to," I say. I mean I wasn't against the idea and I love Jerry. I just wish we talked about it before Chris just offered it.

"Ok, thank you. Thank you guys," He smiles at us and Chris pats him on the shoulder.

"Wait - when were you sleeping on peoples couches?" I ask Chris taking a sip of my drink.

"Um... I was like, 17 or somethin',  just after I left home," Chris says. I furrow my brow for a moment trying to remember but it must have been when he didn't see me for a couple of years -for him anyways.

"Andi, come here, I need your opinion on something," Demri says and flashes me a wink while she nods towards the hallway where the bedrooms were.

"Um... ok?" I raise my eyebrow at her while she continues to nod gesturing to the hallway.

"You better go help her before she ends up getting stuck that way," Chris smirks and I roll my eyes at him with a giggle. I lean forward and set my glass on the coffee table. Just as I rise from the couch, I feel Chris playfully smack my ass which startles me and I turn to look down at him while he sips his beer. "What?" He adds with his eyebrows raised  - as if he didn't know why I was looking at him.

I say nothing as I pick up my glass from the coffee table, keeping my eyes on him so that he doesn't smack it again.

"It was looking at me, I swear. I couldn't help it," He chuckles with a shrug, then smiles at me.

"Uh huh, yea right," I smirk as I turn away from him taking a sip of my drink while I make my way around the coffee table. Walking over to Demri, I can hear the boys laughing but it's alright. Chris always gets a lot more playful when he's been drinking.

"So, what did you want my opinion on?" I ask once Demri leads me into her and Layne's bedroom.

"What do you think of this jacket?" Demri says as she moves over to the closet and pulls out a box to set it down on the bed. She then pulls out the contents, revealing a black leather moto jacket. "It's for Layne but I wanted to make sure it looked ok. What do you think?" She adds.

"Wow Dem it's cool... really cool. He's gonna love it," I smile as I take a sip of my drink, setting it down on the dresser and walk over to her. The jacket is gorgeous.

"You think? I mean I saved as much as I could to buy it. I tried to find one in some thrift stores but no luck, so I figured it's best to get a new one y'know, then it'll last like... forever - well almost forever," She giggles.

"Awe Dem no this is awesome, he's really gonna love it," I say as I examine the jacket. It even has that new leather smell. I love it and it's not even for me.

"What did you get Chris?" She leans into me and whispers though I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be able to hear us anyways.

"I feel bad cause it's not much but um... a pair of red Doc's and a Bauhaus record," I wince and Demri giggles.

"Awe, Andi," She says.

" - I know but we spent so much this year on the new house and the wedding, along with the European tour this summer that it sort of left us broke. I just... didn't want to disappoint him"

"Andi, you could never disappoint that boy, he's gonna love whatever you give him. Fuck... you know Chris has never cared about material stuff like that. You just bought him a guitar for his birthday, I'm pretty sure he's not gonna hold it against you if it's just a pair of boots and a record," She chuckles as she sets the jacket back in the box and turns to set it back down on the floor of the closet.

"Yea I know..." I trail off.

"Ugh I hate having to pee a thousand times an hour when I drink, I'll be right back" She says and I giggle as she walks quickly over to her dresser, takes the last sip of her drink and quickly heads out of the bedroom and down the hall to the bathroom.  

While I wait for her, I take a look in her closet at all the different clothes she has. Demri has always sort of had a sixties love child vibe to her style that is the complete opposite of me and when we're together, you wouldn't think we would get along so well, but that just goes to show that you can't judge someone for how they look.  

Her and Xana always seemed to borrow each others clothes when they used to be close. Xana was always trying to push some of her style on me and though sometimes I really did like what she had but I always felt awkward and out of my element wearing flowy skirts and huge belled sleeves.  Like I always say, you'll have to pry my ripped up band shirts and leggings/jeans out of my cold dead hands before you could ever try and change me. I miss Xana sometimes. Don't ask me why, because she wasn't exactly the greatest friend to me. She did take advantage of me a lot but, she did introduce me to the love of my life so...

"I grabbed another bottle from the boys, here take a sip," Demri says as she comes back in the room breaking me out of my reverie. She holds out a bottle of Bushmills Irish Whiskey to me after she takes a sip. I gladly take the bottle from her and take a sip, feeling the warmth trickle down my throat.

Damn that's good.

I hand it back to her and she takes another sip and I can already feel my drunkeness take hold which is weird because I haven't had very much to drink at all. Oh well, the feeling is awesome regardless.

"Andi, you know you can borrow anything you see in there that you like," Demri says as she climbs up on the bed, crossing her legs and pushing her curls out of the way to take a drink from the bottle.

"Nah, it's ok. I mean you have really cute stuff, it's just not me though," I say and climb up on the bed with her sitting across from her as she passes me the bottle and I take another sip.

"Yea, I guess it would be a little weird to see you in this kind of shirt," She says gesturing to her flowy belled sleeves of her cream colored sixties style chiffon blouse crop top.  "You better stick to... um... what band is that?" she adds as she gestures to my tank top underneath my red plaid button up shirt.

"Sepultura," I say as I look down and pull at the shirt so she could see it more. 'It's the cover of their Beneath The Remains album"

"Oh ok," She says as I pass the bottle back to her and she takes another sip.

"Chris was actually the one who got me into them... go figure eh?" I giggle.

"Really? Chrissy is all about weird stuff but I didn't know he was into that," She says and passes the bottle back to me.

"Yea, I know right? He can go from playing The Beatles all day then he'll switch it up to thrash and death metal... sometimes even going from that right into some old blues records which I absolutely love. He's just all over the place sometimes, " I say and take a sip.

"And that's what makes him perfect for you - well obviously there's more than just that but - "

"I know what you mean," I laugh.

As Demri and I continue to hang out in her room, pretty much talking about anything and everything, laughing while we both take sips from the bottle, I was beginning to really feel myself progressively get more inebriated with each sip.

"... and that's how I ended up on the floor completely naked at the back of The Moore and everyone just freaking out, cause Chris was the only one to ever see me come back from a time slip..." I laugh while Demri just looks wide eyed at as she takes the bottle of Bushmills from her lips.

"Wait, ok so I know you time slip but I didn't know you're naked when it happens?" She says incredulously passing me the bottle.

"Well I don't start out that way if I can help it, I just... can't take any material that isn't me though time," I say in between taking a sip from the bottle. "That's why I got this tattoo on my finger as a wedding ring," I add, passing the bottle back to her.

"Oh yeah, let me see, I still haven't seen it all finished yet," She says taking a sip, then passing the bottle back over and taking my hand in hers to study it. "It's so cool, did you design it?"

"Well mostly Chris, but I kinda gave him the idea and he just went with it. Then we just went to a shop the day after the wedding and had it finished," I explain as she runs her finger over mine and I take another sip.

Suddenly the mood begins to change and though I'm feeling pretty drunk at this point, and need to use the bathroom, so I attempt to get up from sitting cross-legged on the bed and I suddenly trip with Demri reaching out for me.

"Oh shit, Andi! " She calls and I suddenly take her down with me and she's on top of me on the floor and we are just laughing our asses off.

"Well, there's all sorts of gravity in here," I laugh and she's laughing and before I knew it, whether it's just because I'm so drunk that I wasn't even paying attention to what was happening, or I completely just couldn't even think about what was going on, Demri was over top of me and her lips were suddenly on mine.

At first I wasn't really paying attention and by a knee jerk reaction I just responded. Why? I don't know. I sort of just got caught up in the moment. I had never kissed another girl before ever, and her lips feel so soft and different. Then after about a minute or so of her lips moving with mine, I quickly pull away and look up at her and she looks down at me and all I wanted to do was get to the bathroom as quickly as possible.

"Um, I really... really need to... um, I need to go to the bathroom-"

"Andi? Andi wait -," She says and I move myself away from her, get to my feet and although I was stumbling just a little, I was able to make it out of the room and down the hall.

I quickly open the door to the bathroom, flick on the light and close the door quickly behind me, leaning against it as I catch my reflection in the mirror above the sink. I slowly walk up to my reflection and to me I look alright, but I'm pretty sure you can tell that I'm pretty drunk at this point.

Fuck, I shouldn't have taken my meds before coming here.

Feeling slightly dizzy, I flip my curls out of my face and steady myself along the sink vanity, finally making it to sit down on the toilet seat. I close my eyes for a moment and take in a long deep breath, trying to steady myself.

Please don't slip, please, please don't slip.

"Andi? You ok?" I hear Demri call from the other side of the door, and I flick my eyes open.

"Yea, I think so... um... can you get Chris? I need Chris," I slur and close my eyes again. I hear her quietly say something and then a few moments later I hear footsteps walking down the hall.

"Babe?" I hear Chris' deep muffled voice on the other side of the door, but at this point the room was spinning so bad I couldn't lift myself from the toilet seat to open the door.

"In - in here," I slur as I hear the door open.

"Shit, you alright?" He asks.

"No," I manage to get out, though I keep my eyes closed.

"What happened babe?" He says and he kneels down in front of me.

"I don't know, I'm trying not to um... freak out, and slip," I slur.

"Babe - here look at me. What's wrong.... what happened?" He says so sweetly as I look at him and he cups my face in his palms.

"Too much... I think I took too much," I slur.

"Too much? Too much what? What did you take?" He asks, his voice rising as he tries to keep me focused but suddenly everything goes dark.

*****

CHRIS: "Whoa... so that's what happens when she slips?" Demri says with a bit of a slur standing in the doorway to the bathroom while I hold Andi's clothes in my hands.

"What happened?" I ask worriedly looking up at Demri.

"Nothing - "

"Dem, she was fine before she went with you in the bedroom... what happened?" I ask rising from kneeling in the bathroom floor.

"Nothing, I swear... we were just sipping some whiskey and having like... girl talk, that's all I swear" Demri says with those big eyes of worry and I realize I might be freaking her out. But I can't help it though, I can't help feeling this way every time she slips away from me.

"Fuck," I sigh as I pick up her clothes and move passed Demri and head back down the hall.

"Chris, hey... wait where are you going, what happened?" Layne asks as I head towards the front door with Andi's clothes in my arms and her boots, trying to grab my own jacket at the same time.

"Andi slipped," I say trying to be calm but I can't help but worry.

"Wait what?" Jerry asks sitting up on the couch in confusion.

"Is it because of me? I did it right? I made her slip," Demri says becoming upset as Layne walks over to her and takes her in his arms, placing a kiss on the top of her head.

"No, honey no, why would you think that?" Layne says sweetly to her while I fumble trying to get my jacket on.

"I was the one who made her slip," Demri starts to cry and Layne looks at me.

"What the fuck happened man?" He asks.

"I don't know, ask Dem," I retort, trying to zip up my jacket.

"I kissed her ok? Are you happy? I kissed her it just happened, I don't know why but I just did. I just..." She trails off and I slowly look back at her as Layne looks confused.

"What? What do you mean you kissed her?" Layne asks her

"I mean... ugh, ok we were just drinking in our room and just being silly, but then she said she had to use the washroom, so when she got up, she tripped and I tried to catch her but I fell down on top of her and we just kept laughing and then... I don't know I just kissed her. I don't know why, I just was caught up in the moment and it just happened. But I think I might have freaked her out or something. I didn't mean to freak her out. I didn't mean to make her time travel - time slip or whatever..." Demri says quickly and for some reason I found it sweet that she kissed her. I couldn't help but grin as she explain what happened. I thought I would feel jealous and angry but I actually don't.

"Are you mad?" She asks Layne and he just chuckles.

"No, baby I'm not mad. Surprised but I'm not mad," Layne smiles.

"Are you mad Chrissy?" Demri asks wiping a tear from her cheek.

"No, no Dem I'm not mad," I say quietly with a chuckle.

"Ok good cause I love her - well I mean I love you both and I wouldn't want you mad at me because of my impulsiveness," She giggles and Layne kisses her on her temple.

"No Dem it's ok, I'm not mad. I'm just... I never know what the fuck to do when she slips like this. If I should go home and wait, or... what," I say.

"Chris man, c'mon don't leave, she might come back here, you never know," Jerry says as he rises from the couch.

"But what if she doesn't and I'm here and she's somewhere where.. I don't know," I say.

"Do you know where she is right now?" Jerry asks me taking a sip of his beer.

"No," I sigh.

"Ok well just hang out, relax... she always comes back right?" Jerry asks.

And that's the question I always ask myself every time she leaves me.

[purplesurveys]

1025

Have you ever started reading a book and wondered if you’d read it before? I don’t read all that often so no, I don’t usually feel as though I’m encountering a book for the second time. I do read a lot of wrestlers’ memoirs and sometimes I’ll come across the same story told from two different accounts, but for the most part I’m able to tell who wrote which.

What has been bothering you a lot lately? This new and major life change still, obviously. I had a beautiful, grand vision of graduating college with a significant other and building our future together and supporting each other in whatever path we take, so having to dismantle all of that against my will and calling it a ‘bother’ is definitely an understatement.

What (or who) have you been missing lately? Everything pre-September. My life has been going downhill ever since. I do try to make life a little better for myself everyday, but I’d be lying to myself if I say life has been the same.

Are you trustworthy? Yes.

Did your parents teach that white lies were ok? They never taught me this specifically, but I can imagine that my mom is more the type to tell me something like this should the need arise.

Have you ever hallucinated? I don’t think so. The closest thing to hallucinating I experienced was when I was 5. I had a high fever and kept having these awful nightmares, and I could barely tell the difference between being in the nightmare and real life. If I remember correctly, I had already woken up after my grandma shook me but I was still in the nightmare ~AU~ and still kept yelling things that were relevant in my nightmare.

Do you sleep with your door open or closed? OMG, closed all the way. It would bother me to no end if the door was open, to the point that I probably wouldn’t even be able to fall asleep.

What flags do you have in your room, if any? I used to have a Pride flag but that’s gone now cos it was too muddy and dirty anyway. 

What (or who) is the best thing that ever happened to you? I can think of more than one, honestly. There’s Gabie, my college life, my college org, and my first job that I’m actually incredibly happy in. Past me just wanted a job that can let me earn on my own, so it’s such a fun bonus to be happy where I am.

What is the worst decision you ever made? Allowing myself to be treated like shit because “this person will change one day, I just have to wait.” Ugh, I really need to start being nicer to myself.

Do you miss college? Yeah but with this COVID thing I’m kinda glad I got out of there just in time. I probably would’ve missed college a lot more if life had remained normal, but with the new norm being online classes and asynchronous learning and never getting to be in campus...I preferably wouldn’t want to take part in these things.

Have you ever called a teacher “mom”? No.

What is your favorite arcade game? I just go for the basketball ones every time. The piano blocks game is also fun, as well as the arcade beer pong.

Do you feel neglected? Yeah. I don’t really have a choice, though. It’s something I’ve had to adjust to.

What school subject(s) are/were your best? For both high school and college, I got my best grades in history classes and electives. I’m one of the rare species who doesn’t have a problem with – and actually enjoys – memorization, lol. I also did well in English lit and biology.

Are you allergic to grass? I don’t believe I’m allergic but in my old school my legs used to get extremely irritated with the grass we have over there and it would itch like a bitch. It definitely could’ve be an allergy, but I only ever got such a reaction in that place and it’s never happened anywhere else.

Do you remember to water plants? My parents like to take care of that chore, so I don’t have to remember to do so.

What season is your birthday in? Uhhhh according to the Western calendar lol, I think it’s spring? We don’t have that here though, and we don’t follow ‘seasons’ in general except for dry and wet.

Name 3 creative people you know. Nina, Berns, Andi.

Name 3 YouTubers you aspire to be like. I don’t really aspire to be like any of them...I watch certain YouTube channels because I find them entertaining, not because I necessarily want to be them. One video creator I watch whose life seems to be so perfect and whose life I certainly wouldn’t complain about if I suddenly had it, though, is Andi Manzano. Heart Evangelista’s a good pick, too.

What color was your first car? It’s white.

What year did you graduate? I graduated high school in 2016 and college in 2020. < Found a twin.

When was the last time you saw the person you currently have feelings for? Early September.

Have you ever been scammed? Hmm, I don’t think so.

Are you allergic to pollen? Nope.

What style of wedding dress do you like best? Something lace, backless to an extent, and preferably body-hugging as I don’t like dresses that would appear too poofy on me. Think Kate Middleton’s wedding dress but just slightly less poof on the bottom part.

Are you over your first love? No.

Do you talk on the phone a lot? I used to. I don’t anymore.

Would you rather call or text? Text, but if I had to explain something or if something had to be explained to me, I don’t mind getting into a call as long as I’m briefed first. 

Do you always answer your phone? I never do unless I recognize the number. If it’s an unknown contact, I’m hitting Reject immediately because decent people text first before calling.

When was the last time you went to a party? Late Feb. It was the same party for Hans and his friends’ small business that had hit its first year that I’ve mentioned several times on here, ugh. Haven’t really been to any gatherings since then.

What was the last thing you ate? A chocolate donut from J.Co.

What’s the last book you checked out from the library? It’s a book summarizing the Philippines’ entire history that I wish I had more time to read and appreciate.

Do you have a twitter? Yeah but since the pandemic hit my tweets have been a lot less fun for obvious reasons, so I haven’t been using it a lot.

If so, what was the last thing you tweeted? “the things i do for @Mythical aaaaaahhhhhh 1 AM-9 AM livestream later and I still have work from 9 AM-6 PM tomorrow” then the dizzy emoji copy-pasted six times. SERIOUSLY though, timezones suck and I shake my fist at LA for being 16 hours behind lmaaaao, jk. But Good Mythical Morning has never had an all-day livestream before and they never said anything about archiving it on their channel when it’s over, so I don’t want to miss out. It’s whatevs, I’ll just drink a shitload of coffee tomorrow for work.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? I think it was my mom, but it’s been a while since that call.

What’s the last thing you cooked on the stove? I was making a Monte Cristo but it was to cook the egg mixture that I had coated the sandwich in, not cook the sandwich itself.

What color is the cover of the last notebook you used? Green. It was a freebie from the old PR agency I interned at, so it’s a little funny I’m now using it to take notes at my present agency.

Who was the last person you know to have a birthday? Gab’s youngest sister.

Who sent the last e-mail you got? It’s from a workmate, and I just got CC’d so it wasn’t addressed directly to me.

What song is currently stuck in your head? For the whole afternoon it had been Look After You by The Fray, so let’s just go with that.

Do you have a favorite shape? No.

What color are the sheets on your bed? Blue with some yellow and gold prints.

What time do you usually go to bed? 10:30 is a safe bedtime.

Do you ever use coloring books? I’ve got loads of them but they have not been colored since early 2019 because I have yet to invest in a good set of coloring pencils.

Are you planning on watching the Olympics? No, it never appealed to me.

Do you pronounce the word “often” with or without a “t” in the middle? I never pronounce it with the t sound.

Have you ever been on a trapeze? Nope.

Do you enjoy popping bubble wrap? I was more obsessed with it as a kid and will hoard the bubble wrap I see at home. These days I’d still pop a good size of it, but it’s not like my life anymore.

Are there any waterfalls near where you live? There’s one in the city, but I wouldn’t say it’s near. I have to drive to the upper part of the city to get to the waterfalls which would probably take me around a half hour to do.

Do you like seafood? Oh for sure. My life pretty much runs on seafood.

Have you ever had to wear a uniform for anything? I wore a school uniform from kindergarten all the way through to high school.

If so, what did it look like? The blouse was white while the necktie and the skirt were plaid, mostly in red. We also had to wear black leather shoes with white socks.

Do you personally know anyone who is an author? My great-uncle wrote the said library book I checked out. I also had a number of professors who are established authors.

Do you own a Polaroid camera? Nah but I’ve always wanted one. Maybe now’s my chance to finally get my own.

Do you enjoy baking? It looks fun and is definitely something I’d want to try my hand on.

What’s your favorite type of flower? Peonies. < Agreed.

Last time (if ever) you were on an airplane, where were you going? I was headed back to Manila and unbeknownst to us at the time, that arrival would be known for the biggest family argument we have had thus far. I don’t want to go back to that place in my head again, so let’s just move on.

Do you know anyone who is left-handed? Mhm, like Aya.

What is something you think is underrated? Macarons do not get enough love for sure. It’s god-tier dessert.

Around what temperature do you consider it to be too hot outside? As soon as it hits 30ºC, I’m complaining.

In what ways do you expect your life to be different one year from now? Thanks to Gabie and the irreparable mess she has since caused, I’m too scared to think of the future now. I never want to predict or hope for things anymore, and I’d rather wing shit from now on and not expect certain things to happen.

How often do you travel outside of the state/province you live in? I live right on the border of two regions so I literally went out of my home city/region every day whenever I had to report to school. I will be doing the same once where allowed to report in the workplace.

What’s a hobby you used to have, but don’t anymore? Reading.

What has been your favorite job you’ve had so far? I’ve only had one but it’s been a blast so far and I don’t plan on shifting paths because this is where I’ve always planned to be in. That said, I love my job in PR and working with different clients.

What’s your favorite kind of salsa/dip to go with tortilla chips? Sour cream!

Do you wash your car by hand or drive through a car wash? My parents take turns washing it by hand.

Where is the farthest north you’ve traveled to? Jeju, South Korea.

Farthest south? Bali, Indonesia.

East? Idk...Fukuoka in Japan or some province in the Philippines? I’m not too sure which is east-er, lmao.

West? Malaysia. Would’ve been Thailand if we actually got to go there this year -__- but whatever.

How often do you run the dishwasher? We don’t have one.

Do you wash your face at the sink or in the shower? Eh, either is fine but I do it at the sink a little more often.

Name a stereotype about your gender that you don’t fit. I cannot for the life of me relate to makeup or skincare routines. I also never understood the appeal of Instagram and posing for photos in public and painstakingly editing them for likes.

Name a stereotype about your age that you don’t fit. ^ I think those still fit here, since people my age are into both.

Do you have any unusual decorations in your home? We have masquerade masks on our living room table and I don’t understand why my mom, queen of throwing things out, is not throwing them out. It’s such a random...addition and they don’t go with the vibe of the house at all. But they’ve been hanging out there for so long that my family doesn’t even notice anymore, and much less do they say anything about them.

Do you have any uncommon kitchen appliances, such as espresso machines, waffle irons, etc? We have a coffee maker, which is a bit of a unnecessary/luxury purchase where I live; I dunno if it’s the same for other countries. My dad’s a chef so he knows all the tips and hacks to be resourceful in the kitchen, and so he’s never felt the need to buy any other fancy shmancy kitchen stuff like air fryers or waffle irons or sandwich presses.

What did your parents major/minor in in college, if they went? They both took up hotel and restaurant management, just in different universities.

Has either of their careers influenced what career you chose or want to pursue? HAHAHAHA, not at all. People are often surprised when I tell them about what my parents do for living which is understandable, given that journalism and PR are such far cries from the hospitality industry as a whole.

What is the highest level math class you’ve completed? Trig and calc.

How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike? ...I’m still learning...

How old were you when you learned how to swim? Around 4 or 5. My parents liked taking us to this water park every weekend when my siblings and I were a lot younger, so I learned how to handle myself in the water from all those trips.

How do you react when someone is rude to you? If it’s someone I know and am close with, I just tell them directly that they’re having a bit of an attitude with me. If it’s anyone else, my reaction depends on my mood: if I’m feeling nice I just simply counter the rudeness with kindness, but sometimes I’ll be just as big of a bitch, just subtle.

Have you ever had a friend who was too clingy? Yes, back in middle school. I feel bad now, because I kind of just ditched her, but at the time I felt like it was my only option. < I remember being like this with someone Gab and I tried to be friends with back in Grade 7. Sofie was also a little clingy, but in a way that I never minded it because I actually enjoyed her company.

What kind of natural disaster is most common where you live? Typhoons, definitely.

Why is your least favorite season your least favorite? The dry season, because I hate the sun.

Do you have a Netflix account? We have a family bundle and I have my own account on that. But yeah, I don’t pay for it.

Have you ever had an animal get into your attic? We don’t have an attic but there was one time a stray cat got into the house and it took forever to get it back out, lol. It was feisty so we couldn’t just pick it up. The cat also ended up scratching some of our curtains.

Where is your favorite place to go on vacation? Anywhere new, man. My only traveling rule is to not repeat destinations, at least not within 5-7 years. I’m open to exploring any town or city or country I’ve never been to.

How long does it take to get there? -

When was the last time you started a “new chapter” of your life? It was a new chapter last August when I graduated college, but I had to very hurriedly turn the page into a new chapter when I got my internship - that would eventually lead to my first job - and went through a breakup last September.

What room in your home do you spend the least amount of time in? I rarely go inside my sister’s room, just because there’s never really any reason to be there unless I’m borrowing something from her.

What is the last random act of kindness you did? Gave a small tip to the nice man who helped me get out of my parking spot when I went to the bank yesterday. Loiterers are common in public areas and they’ll usually help out people exiting from their parking, so I usually give whatever I can to help them get by. 

Do you do anything to reduce the amount of electricity you use? My bedroom light is never turned on, but I don’t really do it specifically to reduce my electricity usage. I just don’t like my personal space to be too bright, and it’s just a nice bonus to be able to save on electricity while doing so.

Are you usually open to trying a new food that you aren’t familiar with? Typically, yes, although I do have certain foods that I have no interest in trying. < Yep. I’m open to absolutely anything but if a meal has something I already don’t like, like fruits or raisins, then I shy away from those.

Do you listen to Panic! At The Disco? Not as often as I used to, but I definitely still have soft spots for A Fever, Pretty. Odd., and Vices & Virtues. As for the newer music, I don’t tune in to the albums themselves and listen to the entire tracklists but I wouldn’t skip a P!ATD single if it came on the radio.

Have you ever had a kinky dream about a celebrity? I probably have but they’ve all been forgettable.

Is there a song you can’t stop listening to atm? Not really. I’ll listen to Hayley here and there, but that’s it.

Has anyone ever told you that they loved you, and you couldn’t say it back? Yes. This has been the case with my mom for around 6-7 years now. I guess there was just one point in our relationship where she got too mad, I got too traumatized, and it has since kept me from saying it back.

If your Facebook status doesn’t get any likes/comments, does it bother you? Yeah, especially if I shared something deeply personal and important to me, like a life achievement. Of all social media, people are always most likely to react on Facebook (relatives in particular would like or heart anything I post lmao) so a post that would go completely ignored would be confusing but would also sting.

Which friend do you confide in most? Used to be Gabie but now it’s either Anj or Andi.

Do you wear a cross? No.

What is your opinion on Arby’s? THIS IS SUCH A LONG SURVEY, AAAHHHHHHHH. Anyway, never had it. I have heard Arby’s is one of the rather mid-tier restaurants in the US, like it’s not trash but it’s no In-N-Out...I’d still love to try it though. Aren’t they known for like roast beef sandwiches or something? Those sound delightful.

When you have your own kitchen, how will it be done? I just want it to be idiot-proof because I can get pretty dumb in the kitchen.

What is your favorite doughnut? Chocolate glazed with sprinkles. Will always be a kid at heart when it comes to donuts.

Do you have a hot tub? If so, where is it located? We don’t have one.

Did you read the Twilight series, or jump on the bandwagon after the movie? I jumped on the bandwagon once the first movie came out, which was still pretty early on in the whole Twilight craze tbh. I started in 2009 when I was able to read all the books and watch New Moon in the cinema, then I proceeded to catch the midnight screenings for all the movies that came after that.

What is your favorite party game? Pinoy Henyo is a big favorite. It’s basically a Filipino version of Heads-Up, just ever so slightly better and more chaotic, which makes it funnier.

Do you or your parents rake your yard? My mom sweeps, not rakes.

Were you pro-Obama? I think ‘pro’ is too strong a stance. I like remaining neutral and cautious when it comes to US presidents especially considering the US’ history of imperialism in and overall relationship with my country but like, I don’t hate Obama. My vote, if I ever was eligible, would still go to him, but of course it’s best to remain wary and critical of his moves.

What is your favorite scent from Bath & Body Works? I don’t really have one. I don’t do much shopping there. < Same.

What was the last illegal thing you did? Probably speeding. My lunch break ends at 1 PM but I was still at the bank by like 12:50 yesterday, so I had to drive like a maniac to get home on time lmao.

Who did you last go to the movies with? Gabie.

What color was the last vehicle you were in? White.

Do you have any family members in the military right now? As far as I know, no.

Is there a ceiling fan in the room you’re in? Nope, no ceiling fans in the house in general.

When was the last time you wished time would move faster? Today. I love my work, but it can get tiring too and I also find myself occasionally wishing the day was over already.

Are there any owls in your room (as decor, of course)? Nopes. But I do remember when owls were a popular hipster design and everyone had like owl necklaces and shit. What a time.

Have you ever heard voices? Like other voices in my head? No.

Do you believe in angels and demons? Nope.

Who is the worst neighbor you have ever had? It wasn’t my neighbors per se but the helpers of my neighbors used to play cheesy 80s and 90s hits obnoxiously loud every morning and it woke me up every time and I didn’t really have a choice but wait for their stupid listening session to end. I’m so glad they since stopped, but it was my own little piece of hell back then.

Did your Barbies go on dates? [continued from last night] I didn’t do much with my Barbies, honestly. I was mostly curious about their production and liked taking off their clothes to see how the toy company dealt with their private areas lmao. I think my sister and I also drew and doodled on a bunch of our dolls.

If you’re not straight, who was the first person you came out to? I didn’t really do any coming out. One day I just acknowledged my attraction towards Gabie with myself, and when I started dating her I just let everyone figure it out for themselves. I’ve never felt like I had an orientation anyway, so I never felt the need to come out.

Where did you meet your first crush? School, back in kindergarten. But we didn’t formally meet until the end of grade school.

Do you remember the first time your first crush ever said hi to you? Not at all. I remember the people who introduced us, but not our first meeting itself.

Do you ever go places with wet hair? On some days back in college, when there was no traffic going to school I would end up arriving with my hair still kind of wet. This is also the case with Sunday mass (when we could still attend), since we usually headed out as soon as we had taken a shower.

Who is your favorite little girl? I’m a sucker for my friends’ little sisters, like Gabie’s and Athenna’s. I also never got to have a lot of female cousins, so I cherish the few ones I have - Maggie, Bree, and Sam - who are all considerably younger than me.

What do you want the most in life? Contentment. Wherever place I ultimately end up in, I hope to find satisfaction and contentment in it.

What is a decision you’ve made that changed your entire life? Choosing to say ‘fuck it, what do I have to lose’ and send a letter of interest for my present company, who didn’t even have any job openings at the time I sent it out. If I shied away from the lack of openings and never sent out that letter, I never would have been offered an internship, and without taking that internship I never would have been offered a job after a couple of months. So I have to say that’s a pretty fucking solid move of mine.

Do you ever wonder what kind of person you’d have turned out to be if a certain event never happened to you? Sigh. I avoid this exact thought all the time because of how sad it’s able to make me.

When you’re home alone, do you still shower with the bathroom door closed? Yup, it’s just habit.

If you could have anyone’s singing voice, whose would you choose? I’d pick Billie Eilish’s insane ability to hold very soft/quiet notes (ugh, she’s grown on me), Hayley Williams’ range, and Beyoncé’s stamina.

What are your top 3 favorite genres of music? Synth pop, indie rock, R&B.

Where did you buy your dishes from? My mom bought our newest set from...probably a department store. Idk, I wasn’t there with her when she got it a few weeks ago.

Do you think Mars will be colonized in your lifetime? There’ll be advancements in this lifetime for sure, but we’ve got a long way to go before colonization is even remotely feasible.

What’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought that turned out to be a waste of money? Maybe all the shit I bought Gabie throughout the six years, most of them I had to skip meals for? Lmao just kidding, I’m not that kind of ex. I got her a lot of useful stuff, like a Hydroflask, and I mean I don’t completely regret buying them. As long as she still uses them and as long as those things still help in making life easier for her, then the purchases are still worth it.

What’s something you’ve bought that turned out to be way more useful than you anticipated? My cross stitch kit that I thought I was never going to learn. I am now realizing how fun it is and will probably buy a shit ton of kits for myself once Christmas season is over.

Have you ever been on a ship? Yes. My dad gave me a cruise trip for my 18th birthday, and it ended up being really fun :)

Do you ever take intentional breaks from checking/posting on social media? Yeah, I go on detoxes 1-2 times a year where I deactivate all my accounts and am only reachable through text. It usually happens every Christmas season, but sometimes I’ll go through a particularly low point where I’d feel the need to go on a social media break.

Who was Van Halen’s better singer - David Lee Roth, or Sammy Hagar? I don’t listen to Van Halen.

Which fictional character has the most memorable quotes? Any character from BoJack Horseman. What’s a class you did not take in school, but now wish you had? I wasn’t required to take foreign language electives in college like other courses, so I really wish I got to take them :( I can’t imagine how fun it would’ve been to go to class for the sole purpose of learning Spanish or Korean or Italian. Also, even though I took like 5-6 history electives, I still wish I had the chance to take all the other history offerings.

Have you ever been to either of your parents’ workplaces? I have been in the general vicinity of both – my mom works in a hotel and we’ve booked rooms there several times, while my cruise took place in the liner my dad works in. But I’ve only ever been to my dad’s workplace, when he took some time out of his day to show me his kitchen and let me have some of the escargot before they went out to guests :)

What do you think of the ‘Healthy At Every Size’ movement/philosophy? I quickly looked it up and I don’t disagree with its thesis.

Have you ever been bitten so hard that their teeth marks were there after? I used to be like this with Gab, but with me...hmm, my mom liked biting us as kids, and sometimes she’d go pretty hard, yeah. It was never out of anger, of course.

Ever been given a hickey? (Love bite) Yes.

Ever gave one? Anddddd yes.

Are you more of an outgoing type or shy type? Shy if a situation is overall unfamiliar, but I can be outgoing once I start to warm up.

Do you think it’s weird if guys wear make-up like eyeliner? Nope.

Are you self conscious? If so what are you self conscious about? Having been unceremoniously dumped, I’m self-conscious about a million things rn. It’ll take a while for things to be back on track again, self-esteem-wise.

Are you flirty at all? No.

Are you racist at all? I don’t particularly like the Chinese because of the way they treat Filipinos and how most of them behave in my country, like that one asshat who was caught shitting in a local tourist spot here. It gets too tiring to keep on forgiving them at some point.

Would you ever date a disabled person? (Be honest) I don’t see a reason why I wouldn’t.

If you found a baby randomly by itself what would you do? If they were distressed, I’d take them to the nearest security guard and ask for help in looking for their parents. I honestly have no clue how I’d deal with a kid who was otherwise bubbly and doing okay by themselves because I might just look like a kidnapper if I went near them lol.

Would you rather adopt or have your own child? Have my own.

What would you class as cheating on someone? If you’re doing something that requires you to be too close with another person to the point that you have to acknowledge that your partner is not aware of what you’re up to/they don’t have to know what you’re up to. Once that acknowledgment is out of the bag, it’s cheating for me.

Do you try to be politically correct? Yeah.

What’s your favorite kind of sea critter? Dolphins.

Have you ever tasted locally-made honey before? I don’t think so.

As far as earrings go, would you rather wear hoops or studs? Hoops for days.

Do you find P.E. humiliating, or think schools shouldn’t teach it? I think it’s vital to have PE in an education system that requires students to be mostly on their butts. A lot of people hate getting physical and active, and that’s exactly the reason why PE should be around.

Do you recycle? I try to, whenever I can.

Are you interested in current world issues? Yep yep, very.

Do you think you are mature, or immature? I can definitely be petty at times, but I think I mostly act maturely and that those who know me can back me up on it.

What kind of career are you interested in? Public relations, which is under the umbrella of media and communications. I like not being tied to one product, and it’s always awesome to see campaigns that I help with for various big brands come to life.

Do you own a pair of sunglasses? Nah. I was never into them.

Do you use bobby pins, hair clips, or elastic hair ties? Which? I use a hair tie on a daily basis and bobby pins for formal events where I need my hair to be pristinely neat. I nevr use hair clips.

How badly do you get acne? (If at all) Oh god. I got two pimples in between my eyes right now, and it’s the first time I’ve gotten acne since...a year and a half, maybe? My acne isn’t bad at all and it’s never been an issue, so I always panic on the extremely rare occasions I see one or two pop up on my face.

What’s the best way to cope with a breakup? I should be the one asking that! Tips are always welcome, you guys.

If someone dislikes you, what is most likely to be the reason? I probably came off as aloof, which is a fairly common observation.

How many text messages do you have in your inbox at the moment? I don’t delete messages and my phone doesn’t provide me with the total, so suffice it to say there are probably thousands of texts currently in my phone.

When was the last time you had a difficult decision to make? I’m still deciding if I want to keep Gabie around. She honestly doesn’t deserve it, but she’s also my best friend in the world, so idk.

In school, what subjects do/did you find the most difficult? Chemistry, trigonometry, calculus. Physics was hard in high school but became easier in college, and I believe it boils down to the teachers who taught them.

Do you still speak to the person you had your first kiss with? Yes.

Where did you meet the last person you swapped numbers with? I haven’t done that in a while.

Who was the last person to add you as a friend on Facebook? I think it was one of my cousins, Maggie. I don’t remember. But it was probably her.

Who was the last person that asked if you were okay? Maybe Andi? I haven’t had anyone ask me that for a while now.

What does your handwriting look like? I’m the go-to person whenever neat handwriting is needed on a document or something, so I guess that must mean my handwriting is decent. The biggest comment that I get, though, is that my letters are too tiny hahaha.

Do you use any products on your hair, other than shampoo and conditioner? Sometimes I’ll use hair gel for important events because I have the most annoying baby hairs, but otherwise those two are pretty much all I use.

Who were your best friends in primary school? Angela, Pia, Tammy, Marielle, Pam, Gaille, Nina.

Do you still speak to any of them? I only ever actively speak with Angela; she’s still my best friend. Pia and I are mutuals on social media and we’ll sometimes keep the other up to speed with the latest gossip lolol, but I wouldn’t call her my best friend. I lost contact with Tammy, Nina, and Pam after high school, and Gaille when she migrated. I cut Marielle out of my life after she did something shitty that broke my trust.

What was the last thing you bought from a vending machine? A bottle of water, I think.

What color hair did your first crush have? Black.

What type of shoes do you find the most comfortable? Sneakersssssss.

Are you more masculine or feminine? More feminine, definitely.

If you could design your own mug, what would you put on it? I don’t know how to...design things on my own lol, but I’d love a Friends-themed mug, or maybe even a GMM-themed one :)

What is the best beach you’ve been to? Palawan felt almost unreal with how breathtaking it was. I really felt at peace there.

What is one thing you physically can’t do? Lift a water container.

Have you ever been to a funeral? Not a funeral, but I’ve been to several wakes.

Have you ever visited your state’s capitol building? I don’t think we have those.

Have you ever visited your nation’s capitol building? Again, we don’t have those.

Do/did you have a favorite seat in church? My mom, in what really shouldn’t come as a shock, has always liked for us to be in the front row. I’m SO glad we don’t have to physically attend mass anymore; I always felt like I was being burned alive whenever I entered a church lol

What is your favorite park? I wish I had an answer for this but we don’t have any public parks because Philippines.

Have you ever felt an earthquake? Yeah, it happens prrrrretty often, at least once every few months. There was one just last week.

Do you chew gum regularly? Nah but this did made me think of JM, who always had a pack of gum with him without fail everyday.

Where did you go on your first train ride? It was headed to Manila, but my destination was Pasay.

Do you know anyone with a dual citizenship? It’s possible. I went to high school with people who were half-German and half-Swiss, and I’m guessing they held dual citizenships.

What sports teams do you root for, if any? (Extra points for Boston fans.) I don’t really root for any other than my college’s team.

Do you dunk your cookies in milk? If there’s milk around, sure. 

What is something you are confident about? I don’t know. I haven’t felt that at all lately.

Have you ever been physically addicted to a substance? What? Nope.

How do you feel about needles? Can’t do shots, blood tests, and IV without freaking out and/or feeling faint. But I can handle sewing needles apparently, judging from how I was able to do cross-stitching last week. As for tattoos, still unsure if I can handle getting one even though I already have a couple of designs in mind.

What is your favorite accent to listen to? That British accent that sounds super posh lol, the one Florence Pugh and Hugh Grant have. Idk what it’s called.

What was the reason you last got dressed up? Job interview.

Have you ever been the subject of cruel rumors? I was the subject of a rumor once, but I didn’t and don’t find it cruel. It was a typical middle school rumor.

^ What were they? That I was dating my friend Andi and was bisexual. The one with Andi I can kind of understand, since I did have a bit of a crush on her then; I just didn’t know I was bad at hiding it. But for people to go as far as telling others I was bisexual was a little surprising.

Do you prefer loose or form-fitting clothing? Form-fitting. I never liked loose clothing on me.

^ What about on your preferred gender? I don’t have a preferred gender, and I think it really depends per person.

What do you do when you are really, really mad? I isolate myself so that I don’t have to explode on anyone.

Would you rather go naked than wear fur? Is it real fur? I’d go naked.

Do you put a line through your 7’s? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t.

^ What about your Z’s? ^ Same answer. I like keeping things different, hahaha.

What is one thing that someone could do to you that is unforgivable? Break my self-esteem. Constructive criticism is fine, of course, but it’ll be very hard to forgive people who make it their lives to point out my flaws or carelessly hurl hurtful words/insults at me, aka my mom. I’ve never forgiven her about it and it’s the main reason why I’ve since been unable to say “I love you” back whenever she says it.

Are you able to forgive and forget? No. That’s not my preferred route; I’ve always been the grudge-y kind of person.

Do you like cold pizza? Yesssssss. I don’t have a preference between hot or cold, but I have never complained about cold pizza for sure. I ate a slice of pizza right out of the fridge just yesterday.

What is your favorite fruit? Eh.

What about your favorite fruit juice, if it differs from solid fruit? I don’t really have one. I guess orange, as long as it’s not too sour - so basically not pure orange juice lol.

Do you like broccoli and cheese? Haven’t tried it but the pairing sounds *chef’s kiss*

What about potatoes and cheese? Yum.

Have you written a letter by hand, lately? To whom? Not lately, but I plan to.

Toaster or toaster oven? Toaster oven, since we’ve actually had that. We’ve never needed a toaster.

What are you most known for? It depends on who you’re talking to, I’d say. I think different people know me by different things.

Do you have any reputations? What are they? I’m never comfortable claiming things like this, because there’s always the possibility that who I think I am to other people might be far from the truth. Overall, I just try to be myself and still remain nice to everyone while doing so so that I don’t develop a strong reputation for anything.

Do you wear band shirts? Not really.

^ What band was on the last one you wore? I don’t wear them.

Do you own any hats? Describe them. I have a white sunhat that I never got to wear because I’ve always found it too big and flashy and I never wanna draw attention to myself when outside, which it definitely would’ve done for me.

What about masks, you got any? Describe those. I just wear the basic blue surgical face masks.

What was the last thing to leave you speechless? Hearing the amount of money GMM raised for their livestream earlier today, and basically seeing just how insanely successful the livestream in general was.

Do your parents like your friends? If they don’t, why not? My parents never got to know my college friends so they don’t have an opinion on them; they’re still pretty attached to my group in high school hahaha so like Gab, Angela, Athenna, Chelsea, etc, who they all still love and occasionally ask about.

Have you been called a bad influence? Idk, maybe, out of earshot.

Describe your favorite pair of socks. I don’t have any.

Have you experienced any life-changing news, events, etc, lately? First real job and the breakup of a long-term relationship that I had initially finally stopped having doubts about.

Have any self-done piercings? OMG I can finally see the end of this survey holy shit. It took me two damn days, ughhhhhh. Anyway, hell no. I’d injure myself so badly.

Ever pierced someone else? Most definitely not.

Do you get distracted easily? It depends on how much I actually care about whatever it is I’m doing. < Agree. My focus is unpredictable.

Is talking to strangers enjoyable for you, or stressful? Stressful. No matter how pleasant they or the conversation turns out to be, I’m always more stressed than anything else and I let out a sigh of relief as soon as it’s over.

How do you feel about getting new neighbors? It’d be super refreshing, considering the houses on our left and right were literally just built, but never actually inhabited.

How many ceiling fans are in your home? We don’t have any. Do you tweet your life away? Not anymore. I used to tweet my entire life back in high school, but when I realized literally none of my classmates were the same and that I looked so lonely doing it, I made an effort to lessen the tweets and eventually the new habit caught on.

How do you feel about shameless self promoting? I don’t think much of it.

When reading words. like. this. do. you always pause after the periods? Haha, yeah.

What about screaming when reading something IN ALL CAPS? Not always. Soooo many people like typing in all caps anyway, so this has been more normalized to me lately.

[foolgobi65]

Lois/Clark + travel au + fake dating + “are you sure this is legal?”

again, its kind of a fake marriage and...also again....this is kind of the set up for the fake marriage scenario? i basically used this as an opportunity to write down a bunch of my lois headcanons for a period after superman reveal but before the get together lmao but i hope you still like it!! thank you so much for sending the prompt, i love lois sm and this was i think the first time i’ve really written from her (or actually written out lois and clark lol) so everyone please send feedback re: lois and clark characterizations!!!!

love u to the moon and back!!!!

---

“Clark, what does legal really mean, other than the things our government arbitrarily decided we’re allowed to do?”

Next to her, Clark rolls his eyes and Lois tries not to show the awe that briefly floods her body when she remembers that Superman is Clark is Superman is Clark, which means that when he responds to her quip, it’s not only as Smallville but as Kal-El, who she once named ‘the Man of Tomorrow.’ 

“Nice to see Libertarian Lois make an appearance,” Clark-El quips, and Lois nearly melts. It’s been about a month since what she, agnosto-sympathetic as she’s always been, termed in her own mind as the Revelation. Clark is Superman is Clark, she reminds herself as she always has to, to keep herself from running in as many directions as she can, vainly trying to outrun the fastest man alive. 

Being, maybe. Because he’s not really a man, is he?

Clark, Lois thinks again. Clark Kent from Smallville, Kansas. Son of Martha. Man, man, man. Lois is no fool to think that he could really be anyone else -- Clark, for all that he’s apparently lied to her, couldn’t possibly have lied about this. Superman had always seemed so aloof, so removed from the daily grind of humanity’s issues: sure, he’s saved plenty of cats up trees, but Lois had always wondered if he understood why those cats were so beloved, or worse if he saw humanity as the perennial cat constantly stuck up in trees of its own making. But she hadn’t known Superman, really, hadn’t thought she would be able to. 

Not like she’d known Clark. Clark, of the long-form article following the production of a single plaid shirt he’d been wearing on Monday during the week’s pitch meeting. Clark, who was always falling into step right next to Lois no matter where she was, or who she was up against, his heart the only one that burned like Lois when confronted with the nastiness of the world. 

Clark, who Lois has always considered the most human man she ever met. Clark who is somehow biologically, the least human man in the universe.

“Lois?” Clark’s voice is just slightly strained as if he can hear the thoughts scurrying round and round Lois’s mind, but no Lois had asked about that during those first few terrifying days when up had seemed like down and she’d felt like the shittiest investigative reporter since Arnab Goswami. Clark couldn’t read minds, not really, he’d said -- he could at most see the neurons firing (and wasn’t that a horrifying thought?) but he hadn’t tried to figure out a pattern. 

“But I don’t watch your neurons,” he’d said with what then-Lois had recognized as a hint of human-Clark, who she later realized was just-Clark’s shit-eating grin. “Your mind makes me dizzy enough when I’m just observing from the outside. Can’t imagine what would happen if I was trying to follow your thought process in real-time.” 

Now-Lois shakes her head slightly, unattractive like a wet dog. “Sure it’s illegal to impersonate a pair of massage therapists, but you’re an extraterrestrial traveler, Clark. Do the mighty dictums of the United States really mean that much to you?” 

She knows almost as soon as the last half of the sentence leaves her lips that it’s the wrong thing to say. Clark’s from Kansas, just like he always said. He was raised in Kansas, with Kansas values whatever the hell that means. Christ, she thinks, she’s never been so insensitive to an adoptee in her life. 

A month ago, Clark’s face might have crumpled. Two weeks ago, he might have thrown Lois’s insensitivity right back in her face. Today, though, his eyes only go wide for a second, right before Lois sees them glint with what she can only label as sheer Clarkness. It’s a near cousin of his shit-eating grin, that’s for sure, and if it makes her heart race with a little anticipation that between her, the universe and, if he’s listening, Sup--

Shit. 

But maybe Clark isn’t listening, too focused on what he’s about to say, because he plows on despite her heart rate. “Lois,” he drawls, “I don’t ignore the dictates of the United States because I'm an alien.”  

Oh for fuckssake. “Clark now is not the time to crib off of your much cooler mom’s actual anarchist credentials. You can talk as much theory as you want, but you were the one who just asked if we should continue our pursuit of justice based on legality.” 

Clark scoffs. “Perry suspended us for two weeks, and on day two you called me up and asked if I wanted to go on a vacation.” 

Sometimes, Clark’s whole Clark-shtick makes it so that Lois can’t tell if he’s actually hurt, or if he’s just fucking with her emotions, the ones everyone told him she’d long shot dead and buried behind the house, for his own amusement. She squints, leaning in a little closer to check for his usual tells, and there! Just at the corner of his lip, a slight twitch, so minuscule that no one but Lois could have found it. 

“You asshole! You were bored too!” Lois crosses her arms. “C’mon, would you really have been happy with a normal cruise, just floating on the ocean and wearing Hawaiian shirts while eating shrimp, no care in the world?” She raises her eyebrows, grinning like she’s trying to sell Clark a tub of Crisco. “Isn’t taking down the Mob just so much more exciting?” 

According to her therapist, Lois was never really in love with Superman. Lois was in love with the idea Superman represented -- a good man, powerful without the corruption she saw infesting those with power every day, a man so far above humanity that he was safe from the trainwreck that was Lois’ interior self. He could never really love her back, so Lois was safe loving him, never had to worry about her job putting him in danger or her tongue slicing him up during an argument until there was nothing left but his torn up suit. 

Clark, though, Clark was very real, her therapist said. Says, though Lois hasn’t been responding to her calls since the Revelation. She doesn’t know how quite to say “hey Doc, remember how we’ve been talking on and on about Clark and Superman, and how I have to ‘give up my illusion of safety in order to take a real leap of faith?’ Well, do I have a doozy for you!”  

But anyway, the point her therapist was making was that Clark actually knows Lois, inside and out. Probably better than Lois knows herself, at this point, and he loves her for it anyway. Because he does love her, Lois knows. Just like Jimmy knows, and Perry, and Lucy, and hell the guy at her corner bodega too who thinks that “that nice plaid-shirt guy you’re seeing, who comes in to buy you a whole dozen maple donuts before he picks you up, he’s gonna pop the question any day now Miss Lane!” 

Clark has loved Lois for a long time but never told her because Lois has spent almost the entirety of their partnership pretending to love Superman, afraid of being judged wanting by the only person in the world who could actually make that judgment in the first place. Clark loves her now, but Lois’ parents loved each other too once, and that relationship ended with her mom being just a little grateful that the cancer was actually going to kill her so that she wouldn’t have to put up with the General anymore. Lois knows that Clark thinks she doesn’t love him, that he thinks her love for Superman died in the fire of knowing that Superman was actually her bumpkin friend Clark, but for once she’s too afraid to report the truth. 

The truth, that all those parts Lois’ mother hated in the General -- his stubbornness, his arrogance, his inability to see anything outside of the scope of his gun -- Mad-Dog Lane has too, probably in equal measure. Clark isn’t her mom, but he too is kind, and gentle. Soft sometimes, in ways that Lois can’t believe he manages when faced with the horrors of humanity twice over. He’s her best friend, her partner, but if they added another step to their weird dance wouldn’t it finally be too much? Clark has parents who love him, makes friends easier than Lois can breathe, but Lois has only Clark. Maybe Perry, but even then who knows -- Clark might get Perry in the divorce since he can actually spell. 

“Hmm?” Lois shakes herself again, finally seeing Clark’s hand wave in front of her face. “Sorry, Clark.” 

He laughs. “It’s fine Lois, I was just saying something you’d probably have liked to hear so it’s probably best that you didn’t.” 

Lois clicks her tongue, rounding on Clark. “Well if it’s that I was right about you being bored after an entire two days off, then I don’t need to hear it. I already know I’m right and that’s good enough for me.” 

Clark rolls his eyes. “One of the precious few times you are, since this idea of yours is all sorts of wrong. Beyond the legal thing, which I will remind you, is a matter of having a massage therapy license that neither of us has and as such, cannot in good faith offer massages as part of our jobs as massage therapists.” Funny that Clark seems to have no comment on the whole “fake marriage” part of Lois’ plan. 

Lois brushes off his concern with what she thinks is aplomb. “See that would have been a problem for the Lois-of-a-month-ago, but today-Lois knows something that you apparently haven’t thought about!” 

“Oh?”

Lois beckons Clark closer, and because he loves her, he humors her by leaning in close. “See,” she whispers into his ear, “Today-Lois knows that her partner Clark has super-vision, and can see all those pesky muscle groupings neither of us knows about. Just talk to me in a language we know but the client doesn’t, and we’ll be all good!” 

Clark chokes. “You want me to...use my powers to aid in our...subterfuge?” 

Lois raises an eyebrow. “Are you seriously telling me that you haven’t used them on a story before?” That would be very Clark-like of him, she supposes, but on the other hand, the Clark she knows would never not use a resource to help break a story. And, just like she thought--

“No,” Clark says, flushing beet red -- I made Superman blush! Lois thinks and tamps down -- “No I have, but just not so....” 

“Planned?” 

“No,” Clark admits, “it was definitely planned.” He laughs softly. “Honestly, I think it’s that no one else has ever planned to use my powers, at least not as Clark.” Superman, of course, helps build millions of homes and launches nuclear waste into space: there’re entire forums where top scientists compete to see which of their ideas Superman can help them fulfill. And here Lois is, asking him to use those same powers so that they can fake being massage therapists to coax out leads from horny couples with connections to the Mob. 

She bites her lip, insecure in only the way Superman and Clark have been able to make her feel. Just figures that they were the same person the whole time. “Is..,” Lois swallows, “Is that ok? That I planned it?” Her eyes widen, sudden panic suffusing her body. “Ohmygod Clark, I don’t want you to feel like I’m taking advantage of you, or anything, I mean I definitely think your powers are cool but I love you for your mind first and fore--” 

Everything inside and out of Lois’s brain shuts off. Did she just--

Clark’s jaw drops, wild hope Lois doesn’t even think he realizes creeping into the corners of his eyes. “Did you just--” 

“I..” Lois’ brain is now entirely composed of those moments when your CD skips, no words, no feelings, just skips. 

And then, like the greatest gift and curse the Universe could possibly bestow at once, the Cruise Director’s door opens. “Hello,” she says, glancing down at the names on her clipboard and doing a double-take. “Bumpo and Geraldine McTungus?” 

[lovemesomesurveys]

What color is your fridge? Black. Do you like it when guys smell good? I do. I love a nice cologne.  Is your phone mostly on vibrate, silent or ringtone? I keep the sound on. No one really calls or texts me, so it’s not bothersome. ha. Do you own black sunglasses? I don’t wear sunglasses.  Are you currently looking for a job? Nope. I’m not able to work right now.

Do you watch MTV? Yeah. I like to watch Catfish, Teen Mom OG, and Teen Mom 2.  How often do you braid your hair? It’s been a little while since the last time I braided it. I was doing it regularly for awhile. Now I just throw it up in a pony tail.  What color is your microwave? Black. Do you find making a survey hard sometimes? I don’t make them. It’d take a lot of time and thinking to try and come up with new and interesting questions and I just don’t have the energy or motivation to try.  Do you wash your face in the morning when you wake up? No. Are you interested in the ocean? I love the ocean when I’m at the beach where I can just watch and listen to the waves crash in and out and feel that nice ocean breeze. I don’t like getting into the ocean; though, and I’m not into ocean life. I have a fear of deep water and sea creatures scare me. Have you ever wrote a story from beginning to end? Yes. I used to write short stories all the time when I was in middle school until I was like 15. 

What’s a big turn on for you? Hmm. It’s been so long since I’ve been interested in someone in that way and had any sort of intimacy or anything. There hasn’t even been someone I’m talking to in that way in years. Do you wear plaid often? No. I used to be really into plaid during the fall, but I kinda just got over it the past few years. That’s when I used to try with my appearance and what I wore, ha. I just wear leggings and oversized graphic tees now all year round. What are you listening to? An ASMR video. What were you doing at 4am? I was watching something on YouTube. What’s your favorite cereal? Fruity Pebbles, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Life, Frosted Cheerios, and Cap’n Crunch Berries. Man, I haven’t had cereal in years actually, but it sounds soooo good right now. What’s the last thing you drank? Starbucks Doubleshot. Where is your biological mother right now? She’s in bed asleep. Where is your biological father right now? He’s in bed asleep as well. What’s your mood? Meh. Are you doing anything tomorrow? Nope. Do you cry a lot? “they call you crybaby, crybaby, but you don’t fuckin’ care.” Have you recently? Yes. What’s your favorite candy? White chocolate anything, really. I haven’t candy in such a long time either. :O Have you ever eaten raw pumpkin? Ew, no. I don’t like pumpkin flavored anything, so I have no desire to eat a raw pumpkin. Does your car have a name? I don’t have a car. Will you be in bed within twenty minutes? I am in bed. I’m pretty much always in bed. Who did you sleep with last night? Me, myself, and I. Had a threesome. ha. Wearing any bracelets? No. What is your favorite color? Pastels, rose gold, coral, mint green, and yellow. What should you be doing right now? I’m doing surveys and listening to ASMR. I think that’s exactly what I should be doing right now. How much older is the person you’re currently interested in? Remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed? Yes. Have your parents ever caught you drinking? When I used to drink I was of drinking age, so I didn’t have to try and sneak around. Do you love the last boy/girl you were talking to? I do love my brother. Did you have an exciting last weekend? No. Is there a secret you’ve never told your parents? Yes. Have you ever flirted with a friend’s crush? No. Did you have a good birthday this year? My birthday is 6 months away still, slow down. I’m in no rush. Do you lead people on? No. I’ve been lead on a few times and I know how it feels. What’s your most recent status on Facebook, and who has liked/commented on it? I haven’t made a status in awhile, so I don’t even remember. I rarely post on Facebook and when I do it’s usually a post or something funny and/or relatable that I’m sharing. Think of the last party you went to. How many people had tattoos? I haven’t been to a party in like 3-4 years, so I don’t even remember. How do you take your tea or coffee? With coffee I use a flavored creamer or some cream (like Half and Half) and sugar. With tea I just use a packet of sweetener. Ooh, speaking of creamer I was quite excited to find that Coffee-Mate has a Funfetti flavored creamer. :P Have you got any exams coming up? Which is the soonest? Nooo, thankfully. I’ve been done with school since 2015. What’s the last thing you bought online? Christmas presents. Which of your friends has the most ‘outrageous’ piercing, and what is it? No one I know has anything “outrageous”, just the typical, common piercings.  Do you use StumbleUpon? Nope, never heard of it. If you use Twitter, who’s tweeted most recently and what did they say? I don’t feel like checking. When you’re taking a survey do you flick between the survey and other pages, or do you finish the survey in one go? I finish in one go. Unless it’s like the 5,000 questions survey series. Each part is really long. Do you own clothes from any celebrity clothing lines? No. Who was the last person you ranted about? Okay so, my mom, brother, and I are planning a trip soon. My dad isn’t going along for this one because where we’re going is just not his thing. He knows he wouldn’t have a good time. He’s been before and yeah it’s just not his scene, not his thing. It’s fine. It’s a bummer for the person and whoever they’re with when that person doesn’t want to be there and isn’t having a good time, ya know? It just is. So yeah he’s not going, but he and my mom are planning another trip at a later time and doing something he actually wants to do. He’s perfectly fine with this idea. I know that I wouldn’t want to go somewhere I didn’t want to go, spend money on it, and have a bad time. That’s just dumb. So anyway it’s all good for us, but my aunt (my dad’s sister) has made comments to my dad that make it sound like we gave him the boot and don’t want him to come with us on vacation cause we just don’t want him there or something. Like, the way she said what she said pissed me and my mom off cause that’s not the case at all. He doesn’t feel left out or anything. He’s perfectly fine staying at home with our doggo for this trip (we were looking into a good doggy daycare place and that would have been expensive, so it’s better someone will be able to stay home with her) and doing something at a later time. Something he’ll enjoy. Ugh and the thing is, she’s made comments like this before whenever my mom, brother, and I go to the beach (which isn’t that often). We like to go during the middle of the week cause it’s less crowded and that’s when my mom and brother typically have a day off. My dad works Mon-Fri, so that wouldn’t work for him, but the main reason he doesn’t go is because he doesn’t like the beach. He’s not into spending hours there like we are. He’d rather be out and about doing something. My aunt will be like, “why do they always go when you have to work?” and shit like that. Like, shut upppp. We don’t go to the beach like every week or go on tons of vacations without him or something. We do plenty of other things all together that we all enjoy as well. She and her daughter go on vacations several times a year and her husband and son don’t go. Her son has a few times, but majority of the time it’s just her and my cousin. So yeah, I don’t know wtf she’s talking about.  Last thing to make you laugh? Something in a video I was watching a bit ago. What was the last thing you remember saying sarcastically? I don’t remember what exactly, but I know it was something yesterday. I have my sarcastic moments. How are you feeling? Bleh. Didn’t you ask this? What were you doing before this? Watching YouTube. What’s the favourite thing about the place you work? I don’t have a job. Are you good friends with your girl friends’ boyfriends? I don’t have friends, but in the past I was friends with some of my friends’ significant others. 

[avengerscompound]

Home - Chapter 3

Home: A Captain America Fanfic

Masterlist PREVIOUS //

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing:  Bucky Barnes x Steve Rogers

Word Count:  1706

Warnings:  Angst, parenthood, sexual manipulation, action, injuries, underage drinking and drug-taking.

Synopsis:  16 Years after the death of Daisy, Steve and Bucky have successfully raised two teenage kids with telepathy. Teens are never easy to live with though. Sarah in particular likes to test boundaries. Now on top of all the usual challenges of parenting, they have to deal with troublemaking demigods, a daughter who just wants to be accepted for who she is and running the Avengers. That’s when the children of other super-powered individuals start going missing.

Chapter 3

Sarah spent the rest of the week at school with the mundies. Her dads’ attempt at her having a normal life. It made her feel anything but normal. Being around so many people thinking so many ridiculous thoughts was like being constantly yelled at about algebra and which member of whatever dumb band was the hottest.

She could shut them out but turning off her ability took energy and she had to focus on it. If she was focusing on that then how do you learn? If you’re not learning why be at school?

She also didn’t know for sure if she was learning. Sometimes she knew. She’d get an assignment, take it home and work on it by herself locked in her room. If she could figure it out then yes, she had actually absorbed the necessary information. If not she’d go to Vision and he’d help explain it in a way she understood.

At school though she was just a mess of other people’s thoughts. Taking a test was futile. It meant nothing. When a room full of people are all thinking the same thing it was hard for her to know if she was also thinking it because she knew it, or because their thoughts had overwhelmed her.

She had made some friends though. A small group of kids whose thoughts didn’t anger or disgust her. Who when she spent time relaxing around their silliness was both intoxicating and a relief. Her group of friends consisted of three other people.

Daniel, a small pale blond kid who wore glasses and had severe asthma and mild autism. He was quiet and liked video games and his thoughts were never cruel. In a lot of ways he reminded Sarah of her dad, but in many ways, he was as far from Steve as he could be.

The other two were twins, McKenna and Olive. Identical in most of their physical features. Curvy and beautiful with dark, warm complexions. McKenna wore her hair in long braids and dressed in plaid and denim. Her thoughts were mostly about math. She thought about math way too often to be normal. If she wasn’t thinking about math she was thinking about ways to annoy her sister. Olive wore her hair in short dreadlocks. She tended to wear floral dresses and knee-high socks. Though not all the time.

Olive was the girl who filled Sarah’s thoughts the most. She was glad they were friends. She just wished she wouldn’t keep pretending to like boys when she didn’t. Olive did have very confused thoughts. Sometimes Sarah just wanted to grab her and kiss her. Instead, she just settled for the fact that because Olive was so confused she did that thing where you’re overly affectionate. They hugged and held hands a lot.

The four sat at their usual table in the cafeteria. Sarah was scowling. Lunch hurt the most. There was so much noise. She concentrated hard and switched it off.

“What the hell was that car you drove to school in today?” McKenna asked. She threw a tater tot into the air and caught it in her mouth.

“My uncle gave it to me for my birthday,” Sarah answered. She wasn’t really paying attention. She found it hard to when she had to focus on keeping everyone out.

“What the hell does your uncle do that he can afford to buy his niece a Bugatti? And is he married?” McKenna said.

Sarah rubbed the bridge of her nose. One of the reasons why she liked this particular group of friends is they had no idea who she was in the grander scheme of things. In the past when people had found out who she was, they either rejected her because of what she could do, or they used her as a way to touch fame.

“He’s in IT. And he is. Sorry.” She says.

“Have you all asked anyone to the dance?” Daniel asked. He was fiddling with his fingers and wouldn’t look them in the eye.

“Nah,” McKenna replied. “Do you want to go with me, Dan?”

“Really?” He said.

“Of course. I’d love it.” She said.

Daniel looked really pleased with himself before accepting. “What about you, Sare? Got your eye on any boy to ask?” Olive asked.

Sarah shrugged. “The only guy at this school I like in any way just said yes to McKenna.” She answered. Daniel blushed a little. “I think I need some air.”

She got up and headed outside being closely tailed by Olive. “What’s wrong, Sarah? Do you actually like Daniel? I think McKenna just asked him to be nice. If you said you wanted to she’d back off.”

Sarah shook her head. “No, it’s not that. I was just getting really hot in there. And I wouldn’t doubt what’s going on with Dan and McKenna if I were you.”

“Really? She hasn’t said anything to me.” Olive said.

“And have you said anything about who you like to her?” Sarah asked.

“No, but I don’t really like anyone really.”

Sarah frowned. “Okay. Sure.”

Olive took her hand. “Can you believe we’re going to Artmania tomorrow?”

“Nope. My dads are so overprotective. I am always surprised they let me go anyway. I’m so excited though.” Sarah said, squeezing Olive’s hand.

“You know we wouldn’t have come to see you people if I had any other choice.”

Steve watched the perpetually angry Jessica Jones pace his office as she ranted at him. Her husband Luke sat looking defeated in the chair opposite him.

“Ms. Jones, I’m more than happy to help, but you haven’t actually told us what the problem is,” Steve said.

“It’s our daughter Danielle. She’s been missing for three days.” Luke said.

“Why didn’t you come sooner?” Steve asked.

“I find people. It’s what I do! I should be able to find my own kid.” Jessica snapped.

“So tell me what you have found.”

Jessica and Luke gave Steve the complete rundown. Their twelve-year-old daughter, Danielle had gone to school on the bus as usual but had never come home that night. She had gone to school as normal, caught the bus home as she always did. She’d gone missing somewhere between the bus and home and no one seemed to have seen anything.

“She can fly can’t she?” Steve asked.

“It’s more like controlled falling. And before you ask, she didn’t run away. I’m sure of it. Someone has taken her.” Jessica snapped.

“What other abilities did she inherit?” Steve asked.

“All of them. She has the bulletproof skin, the strength, the flying.” Luke answered.

“So if she was taken, there must have been a struggle,” Steve said.

Jessica picked up a chair and threw it. It shattered against the wall. “I knew these holier-than-thou fucking Avengers wouldn’t help us!” She yelled. “Someone took her! You have children! What if it was one of them missing?”

“Jessica, I’m just thinking out loud. If someone took her, then someone saw it. If someone saw it and they’re not saying; they’re scared.” He looked at his watch and then back to the couple in front of him. “My daughter will be home soon. She’s met Danielle hasn’t she?”

“What does that matter?” Jessica asked.

“You know what she can do right? If she knows what Danielle’s mind feels like she’ll be able to tell us where she is.” Steve answered, trying to remain calm. This was troubling though. He was pretty sure Danielle had probably just run away. He knew first hand what twelve-year-old girls could be like. If she had the powers they said, it was unlikely she could be taken anywhere against her will. If they were right though and she had been taken; he didn’t even want to contemplate what that could mean.

“I think they met. It was a long time ago though. During the attack by the Shi’ar Empire and we left her here with Potts.” Luke said.

“FRIDAY, can you send Sarah in here when she gets home,” Steve said.

The voice of FRIDAY filled the room. “Sarah returned home ten minutes ago, Captain Rogers. Do you want me to send her in?”

“Thank you, Friday.”

Sarah sulked into the room a few minutes later. “Dad, I swear to god, I didn’t cheat and if I did I didn’t mean to. You know how hard …” She cut herself off when she saw the others in the room.  “What’s going on?”

“Sarah you know Ms. Jones and Mr. Cage don’t you?” Steve asked.

Sarah shrugged. “Yeah, sort of.” She said. Then her eyes lit up. “Oh my god! Am I going on a mission? I’ve been training heaps. I can do it!”

“It’s not that, Sarah. Their daughter has gone missing. Do you remember Danielle?” Steve asked.

“Uh, sort of. You want me to find her?” Sarah looked at Jessica.

“No, I want to keep worrying about her until it kills me. Of course, I want you to find her if you can.” Jessica snapped.

“It’s been ages. Can you think of the last conversation you had with her? Like actually picture it.” Sarah said.

Jessica closed her eyes and thought about talking to Danielle over breakfast. How she’d needed three different forms filled out to go on the school camp.

Sarah pulled away and then flopped down on one of the chairs. “This could take a while. Dad, I’ll probably need something to eat when I’m done. This kind of thing always fucks me up.”

“Language, Sarah.” Steve scolded. Sarah could feel how both Jessica and Luke wanted to laugh but they couldn’t quite bring themselves too. Their worry was consuming them.

Sarah closed her eyes and sent her mind out. She scanned the city of New York first, touching on any mind she found even vaguely familiar. When that brought up nothing she spread out. She became a machine touching every mind like they were connected via a living circuit. Checking to see the brain pattern she knew to be Danielle Cage. She touched everyone everywhere and found nothing.

She opened her eyes. Her mouth felt tacky. The sky had gone dark outside. She must have been searching for hours.

“Did you find her?” Luke asked looking at her hopefully.

Sarah looked over at her father not knowing what to do. He handed her a glass of orange juice and nodded to her. “I don’t know how to say this. But if she’s still alive I don’t think she’s on Earth anymore.”

Jessica broke down in tears.

// NEXT

[crashdevlin]

Wishverse- How’d You Know?

Wishverse- How’d you know?

Author’s Note: Hard Ten Masterlist, Wishverse Masterlist

Summary: Y/n reorients herself in 2018, ‘meets’ Dean to set up their event, and finally gets Charlie to believe her.

Pairing(s): Dean X Plus size!Reader

Word Count: 2928

Warnings: mentions of prostitution… and that’s it.

You slept through the night. You’d almost forgotten what it felt like. You showered and put on light makeup. You didn’t need makeup. Your skin quality was actually amazing compared to the skin on the face you left in 2019 and Dean was going to smile that lovely smile at you, no matter what. You made breakfast for you and Charlie and ate in silence as she watched you. “How’s Bohemian Rhapsody do at the box office?” she finally asked.

“It did all right. Does all right. Sixty-something percent on Rottentomatoes. It was just too broad. Like, it was awesome, I really liked how they portrayed Mary Austin and Freddie, but it was just… they were trying to fit too much into two hours, you know? I liked it, though, and Rami Malek got a Golden Globe for it.”

“Crimes of Grindelwald?”

You grimaced. “You’re gonna watch it no matter what I say.”

“Yeah, but I wanna know!” she exclaimed, leaning closer.

You sighed. “She fucked with the canon, or they fucked with her canon and she let them. JK really should have put her foot down and said, ‘No, Nagini was a fuckin’ snake, not a Korean animagus’. The only really good part of it was Jude Law as Dumbledore, though, they really didn’t even allude to the fact that he was in love with Grindelwald.”

“Yeah, but we knew that Warner Brothers wasn’t going to let… they didn’t let him be gay, at all?” she asked, upset.

“I mean, Warner Brothers pretty much said that it wasn’t important to his character and the movie was really about Newt, anyway, so it wasn’t that important.” You sighed. “Anyway, Crimes of Grindelwald did good because it was a Harry Potter movie, but, objectively, Bohemian Rhapsody was a better movie.”

She smiled. “If this is real… I’m gonna need you to remember some lotto numbers.”

“Charlie, if you wanted money, we both know you have the skills to get it.” You shrugged. “You know I don’t play the lotto. I won’t remember any of the megamillions numbers.”

“Okay, well… try.”

You rolled your eyes and sighed. “I’m going out at 1:30.”

“To meet the whore?”

“Yeah, to meet… to meet with Dean.”

“And Dean is the better one, right?”

“Charlie… just stop, okay? You still don’t really believe me.” You sighed. “Dean’s the one who’s gonna take me to Maw-maw’s for Thanksgiving. That’s all you need to know for now, okay?”

“What, I’m not allowed to be worried about you?”

“You can be worried all you want, but…” You shrugged. “Everything’s fine, Charlie. I promise.”

You could tell that she didn’t believe you. She didn’t think you were fine, she didn’t think that everything was going to be fine or was fine, but you knew. You knew that there was only good that could come of your wish, no matter what she or anyone else thought about wish universes.

~~~~~~~~~~

You heard the Impala before you saw it. Dean’s prized Chevy with the huge engine announced his arrival in the Biggerson’s parking lot and you ordered a round of pie before he walked in. Your phone went off with a text from Dean’s work number asking where you were in the restaurant and you shot a text back telling him where to find you. You took a deep breath as the bell over the door went ‘ding’ and your eyes shot to him. He was wearing his brown hiking boots with a grey tee and a red and blue checkered plaid under a dark blue canvas coat. He looked like heaven as he approached.

“Hey. I’m Dean.”

“I know,” you responded, immediately, before looking down. “I-I mean… of course you are. Why else would a guy who looks like you walk up to my table?” You gestured at the other side of the table, reminding yourself that Dean wouldn’t want you if you were flustered and blushy. Not the introvert you were before Sam got a hold of you. You had to be the you that you were with Charlie, the you you were when you met Dean. “Have a seat. I, uh, ordered you a slice of apple. I hope you don’t mind.”

He smirked as he took the seat across the table from you. “You’re the take charge type, then?”

You chuckled. “I like to think of it as being proactive. I mean, I am just trying to make sure everything runs smoothly.”

“Hey, I got no problems with a woman who knows what she wants and makes it happen,” he said as the server dropped a slice of apple pie in front of each of you. “So, this is your first time hiring from Bobby’s Boys. You ever done this kinda thing before?” He pulled a fork out of the wrapped up napkin and dug it into the pie crust.

“Loaded question, Dean,” you answered, honestly, mimicking his motions. “Suffice it to say, I know what I’m doing.”

He nodded, not questioning you further about your experience. “All right, so… you said, Thanksgiving weekend; you just need someone to give you the boyfriend experience?”

“Pretty much boils down to my extended family are terrible people who’ve spent the last several years of my life making me feel horrible for being the only one in the family who’s bigger than a size six and I thought I might be able to avoid some of their suppressive bullshit if I brought a very attractive man home for the holiday.”

“All right. Family can suck. I got that. So, I, uh, got this questionnaire for you to fill out. First part’s a bunch of information ‘bout you, like if you got any allergies and what you do for work, best friend’s name, religious beliefs and shit. The second part’s about the fake me. Where you want me to say I work, how we should say we met, all that.” He pulled the papers out of his coat pocket where they had become a crinkled mess, and smoothed it out against the table. “If you want to fill it out now, that'd be awesome. So we could go over anything that's problematic.”

You pulled a pen and immediately went to work on it. You’d filled this out before, so it wasn’t something you were nervous about. You talked about your answers as you wrote them and Dean nodded, making little comments around mouthfuls of pie and black coffee. “We’re gonna tell ‘em you’re a mechanic, is that okay?”

He licked his lips and nodded. “I’m great with cars. How’d you know?”

You smiled and looked up into his brilliant green eyes. “With a car like the one you rode in on, you either know your way around an engine or you’ve got a damn fine mechanic, yourself.”

His eyes sparkled as he smiled, brightly. “You know about cars?”

You shrugged. “Little bit. My old best friend taught me some stuff. Enough to know a classic Impala when I see one, anyway.” You suppressed the urge to smirk at his look of intrigue as you looked back down at the questionnaire. “And since we’re saying you’re a mechanic, we can say we met when my clutch started slipping.”

“You drive an automatic or a manual?”

“Currently, I drive an auto but that’s just because Ford didn’t have the car I wanted in a manual.”

“Not a lot of folks can drive a stick, anymore.”

“Oh, I’m great at driving a stick,” you let yourself smirk then and looked up at him through your eyelashes. He returned the smirk and chuckled. You had to remind yourself that you weren’t throwing yourself at him, that if you made this about sex, then you’d just be a normal client and you’d lose all chance of being something more. “Too bad that’s not what I’m hiring you for,” you finished, dropping your eyes back to the paper.

“Yeah. Too bad.”

When you finished the questionnaires, you slid them across the table and excused yourself to go pay the bill. When Dean approached the counter, you handed him a small styrofoam container. “Chocolate cream pie,” you winked as you started toward the parking lot.

“You didn’t have to do that,” he said, following you.

“Well, I got it for myself and then I thought better of it. I do not need more pie.” You stopped in front of the Impala, blatantly ogling it as you walked a slow circle around the edge of it. Dean smirked at the look on your face as he opened the door and set the to-go box in the middle of the bench seat. “What is she? A ‘67, ‘68?”

“‘67.”

“She still got the 327 four barrel?”

Shock filled Dean’s face and his jaw hung slack for a second before he licked his lips. “No, uh… I put a 502 big block in her a few months ago. More than doubled her horsepower.”

“Oh, that’s why she’s so loud.” You ran your over the roof and looked in the window. “You treat her like a queen, don’t you? This is what a classic car’s supposed to look like.”

“Huh. You, uh, know a little bit about cars?”

You chuckled, making your way around the hood to stand in front of Dean, looking up into his eyes. “My friend, the one who taught me about cars, he was a Chevy-head. Honestly, I’ve always been a Ford fan, but he was really enthusiastic and… fuck, the sixties Impalas were sex on wheels.”

“Sometimes literally.” His eyebrows jumped up suggestively and you bit your lip, stepping closer to him without conscious thought. He smiled, softly. “There’s… somethin’ ‘bout you, y/n. I’m lookin’ forward to workin’ with you.”

“Technically, you’ll be working for me,” you teased, leaning back against the door of the Impala and smiling up at him.

He stepped closer, licked his bottom lip in between his teeth and bit into it. It made your body warm up and you swallowed to remedy your suddenly dry throat. “Well, then…” He put his hands on your shoulders and leaned down to look into your eyes. The look in his eyes was one you recognized and your heart was pounding at the thought that your plan to woo him was working so well. “I can’t wait to meet your family, princess.”

Your reaction to the nickname was instant, grabbing his coat and pressing your lips to his. He went with it, just like he had the night of the Christmas party, but this time he had no reason to pull away. One of his hands slid down to your hip and the other buried in your hair as he slipped his tongue into your mouth and pressed you into the cold metal of his car. You ran your hands up to his neck and pulled him closer, your tongue brushing across his, dancing across the air you were breathing together.

You didn’t want to stop, but your brain suddenly remembered that you didn’t want to sleep with him, yet. Well, you wanted to, but you had to wait. With every ounce of your self-control, you pulled back, breathing heavily. You looked at your feet. “Sorry. Didn’t, uh, plan that.” You chuckled and bit your lip. “So, how much do I owe you for the makeout session?”

He laughed and stepped back. “It’s on the house. We’ll call it payment for the pie.” You smiled and nodded, side-stepping away from him to head for your car. “I’ll call you after I talk to Bobby!” he called after you.

“Sounds good, Dean!” you called back, sliding into your driver’s seat and pulling out of the parking lot. You didn’t miss the way he followed you with his eyes until he couldn’t see you anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Sam, it’s like… have you ever met a chick that just… ticks all the boxes?” Dean was trying to refrain from a chick-flick moment, but how he was feeling about y/n after just one meeting was… unique. Sam looked up from the paperwork he was filling out for Bobby with an incredulous look. “Dude, she bought me pie. No prompting, she suggested pie.” Dean nodded enthusiastically and dropped into a chair next to Sam’s desk. “And she knows cars. She tried to downplay it, but she knew that a ‘67 Impala comes stock with a 327 four barrel engine. That’s not something somebody just knows unless they know. She practically drooled all over my baby, dude, and she’s real pretty. Way prettier than she thinks she is.”

He let out a dreamy sigh and ran his hand through his hair. “It’s like she knows me. She’s kinda… perfect, and she’s an amazing kisser! A lot of chicks are afraid to go for it, but she was… fucking exuberant.”

“That’s a big word, Dean,” Sam said, amused.

Dean shrugged. “I’ve been working on that book of crosswords Kate gave me for my birthday.”

“I was sure you would’ve thrown that away.”

“Nah. I’m getting pretty okay at ‘em. Anyway, this chick… she’s amazing and I get to spend an entire weekend with her, for work. I mean, if this ain’t the best part of the job, I don’t know what is.”

“The money is the best part of the job, Dean. It’s the only real reason for the job.”

“For you, maybe. Oh, man, and she doesn’t want to pay for sex. She really just wants to have me pretend to be her boyfriend without gettin’ fucked.”

“But she let you kiss her?”

“Nah, she kissed me… but I’m pretty sure she just got overwhelmed by my charm,” he said, with a cocky smile. “Seriously, what kind of woman calls up an escort service and really just wants someone to escort her somewhere?”

“One who’s too introverted to get her own dates? Or women who think they aren’t very attractive?”

“Yeah, probably something like that. She said she wouldn’t feel right paying for it. So, she’s got morals but she doesn’t make me feel immoral. I don’t know how that works, but it fuckin’ does.”

“Well, I’m happy for you, Dean. You get to get out of Kate’s tofu Thanksgiving because you’re going on a job and you get a boatload of money and you don’t even have to perform. You just have to fawn over the woman. You’re doing that for free, right now.”

“I know, Sammy! This is gonna be the easiest three thousand bucks I’ve ever made!”

Sam took a deep breath and looked pointedly at his paperwork. “Good for you. Can I finish this please?”

Dean rolled his eyes and stood. “Yeah, yeah.” He sighed and licked his lips. “You gonna be okay doing Thanksgiving without me, huh?”

Sam nodded. “I’ll have Dad and Kate and Adam to distract me, Dean. And I’ve totally been clean long enough to deal with other people drinking some dinner wine, dude. Don’t worry about it.”

“And you’ll call And-”

“I’ll call Andy if I have any issues. Don’t worry about it. Go enjoy yourself with the… woman who ticks all your boxes,” Sam dismissed.

Dean couldn’t help the smile that crossed his face at the thought of y/n. “You know what, little brother? I definitely will. Have fun with your paperwork.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday came and the stock app on your phone alerted you to the massive jump in Roman Industries stock price. It was a little past 1pm when Charlie called you. “Are you a witch?!”

“No, Char, I told you I’m-” You closed the door to your office to keep your assistant, Deedee, from hearing your conversation.

“You have to tell me if you have a timeturner because there’s so much that I would want to fix, but that probably wouldn’t be a good idea because ‘Awful things happen to wizards who meddle with time, Harry’ and I-”

“Charlie, I didn’t do this.”

“Are you sure you’re not some kind of fae or elf or something because-”

“Charlie!”

There was a moment of silence. “I’m sorry. I’m just… sorry.”

“I’m not a fairy or an elf or a witch, and the awful things already happened, but I am here with a plan to save Buckbeak and Sirius, so to speak.”

“What awful things? What happened that you wished away?”

You took a deep breath, relief washing over you. “You believe me? Like, no doubts, anymore?”

“No! No doubts. Okay? I believe you and I’m kinda jealous of your fantasy fiction life right now, but I’m also super worried because you’re not the kind of person to wish away a whole freaking timeline, so it must’ve been superbad, so spill!”

You shook your head. “Look, it’s eight months of baggage to unpack, and I’m not doing it over the phone while you’re on your lunch break. I’ll tell you all about it when you get home tonight, okay?”

She sighed, heavily. “Okay, I guess.”

“Go eat your lunch. Love ya, Char. Bye.” You hung up your phone and smiled. You were finally going to be able to talk to someone about your situation!

You walked into the apartment at 5:23 and sat down on the couch. You were having to redo work you did eight months ago and it was wearing on you. Charlie walked in the door at 5:46, set her laptop bag on the table by the door and flopped down next to you, pulling the remote control out of your hand and turning off the distraction of the television.

“Tell me everything. Go!”

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[thewriterxo]

Prologue to one of my stories “Keep Dreamin’”

The day started like any other. I was rushing around my kitchen with my homework dangling from my teeth and my pants falling off my hips due to the fact I hadn’t found my belt yet. The toast popped up from the toaster which startled me enough to spill the coffee in my hand all over my shirt. I complained about how hot the substance was against my skin and bounced around the room like an ape on crack. When my little sister Bella found me I had caught my balance and ripped the top from my body, throwing it towards the basement door where my mom would know it was dirty. Bella was shaking her head with a smirk, happily pouring herself a cup of coffee and not even flinching to help me.

“Great, all my shirts are dirty,” I complained and gripped the counter, hoping I could break it.

“Just take one of mine,” Bella told me. “You need to dress more girly anyways. Band shirts and oversized hoodies is tomboy attire.”

“Shut up,” I groaned and pushed her shoulder playfully while I ran for her bedroom.

Digging through the messy pile of clothes on her closet floor, I finally found a black shirt hiding in the many colorful ones. It was cropped and cut to a V at the top, and it was probably her only black shirt. I slipped into it and finally met her back in the kitchen where I was able to butter my toast and get a new cup of coffee.

“We’re going to be late again,” Bella rolled her eyes from where she stood by the front door.

“I’m coming!” I groaned and shoved both pieces of toast into my mouth so I could grab my coffee and backpack. We both fell into my moms old beat up Honda she had passed down to me.

Our mother worked as an assistant for a very successful business man and she made pretty decent pay as he was very old and she worked for him for ten years. She worked long hours and was usually gone on business trips with her boss as she needed to be with him most of the time. She made a home in a suburban neighborhood where she raised Bella and I mostly alone. My father passed away five years after my baby sister was born.

The memories I had with my father were always nice to look back on. He was my absolute best friend. I had a special bond with my father, one much different than I had with my mother. Him and I did so much together. He would always take me fishing or camping which made my love for the outdoors grow. He was always there for me at such a young age and I could never picture my life without my father. By the time I was seven he was ripped from my arms all together and I was heartbroken. Doctors had to put me on antidepressants at the age of eight because I became mute. I wouldn’t talk to anyone, not even my mother. But once I was a teen and attended junior high, I found a group of friends to break me out of my shell and show me how to have more fun. The first time I had ever been to a party was with them, and it showed me there was still things to enjoy in life.

When we had been invited to a high school party we were beyond ecstatic. Sapphire, Paige, Asia and I had planned our outfits days in advance, and made sure we looked our best for that party. I could remember walking into the crowded house, lights dim, music blasting, and smoke everywhere. The smell of alcohol would burn my nostrils and as my friends raced for the kitchen to get drinks, I wandered towards the smell of marijuana. It was so intoxicating to me that my nose dragged me into the living room where a couple of boys wearing beanies and hoodies sat dozing away on the couch. They passed around the blunt as I watched, intrigued as they inhaled and exhaled the smoke.

“You want a hit?” one boy with bloodshot eyes had asked me and I couldn’t deny his offer.

The first time I smoked weed was one of the best days that I never wanted to forget. For years I was miserable and completely unhappy what with my father gone and my mother rarely home. All I had was my sister but she couldn’t understand my pain for our father. She didn’t have the same relationship I shared with him.

After smoking that plant though I finally felt like I could smile. The feeling of my body going numb had me relaxing, all the tense muscles easing up. I danced with my friends all night and enjoyed myself. For once, I was completely in a trance of happiness and I loved it so much that everyday since that night, I’ve smoked. I wasn’t going to say I was ashamed of myself for being a pot head. Almost everyone in my school was smoking weed. Some more than others…but as long as I could be off the damn antidepressant pills then I was fine.

Arriving at school was where Bella and I parted ways. She would wander off with her friends while I’d head to the back of the school where I’d meet up with Paige and Asia.

The three of us have stayed close throughout high school, but Sapphire grew distant our freshmen year. She started to become friends with the more popular group of girls. Heather ran the group. Being the daughter of the mayor made her the most popular girl in school. If evil took a human form, it’d be those girls, much different than Sapphire, but as long as they didn’t bother me then what do I care. They’re your typical high school bullies.

“Look what the cat dragged in,” Paige smiled, already stoned.

I took a seat with them on top of the rocks hidden behind trees and got passed the thing I craved the most. When I took in my first drag, I couldn’t help but feel much more relaxed.

“Look at you in a crop top,” Asia beamed with her pearly white teeth. “Borrowed your sisters clothing?”

I rolled my eyes and took another hit. The girls were like my sister, always harping on me because I rarely dressed like a girl. It didn’t matter to me what I wore. Who was I trying to impress? I wasn’t going to wake up earlier just to look cute.

Asia and Paige were the opposite. They made sure their hair looked nice, always applied makeup, and dressed cute.

“I spilled coffee on myself again,” I laughed. “All my clothes were dirty.”

I passed to Asia and rummaged through my backpack to make sure I had my homework. I then pulled out my usual dark green oversized jacket and flung it around myself. Paige shook her head and laughed.

“This history test has me stressed,” Paige groaned and indulged herself with a conversation about school work. Asia focused in on her ramble while I leaned back and enjoyed the numbness my body consumed.

Every time I got high I would think of my mother for a split second. She knew what I was doing and she didn’t like it. It took me forever to convince her this was better for me than popping pills to make myself happy. I’ve gotten so used to the antidepressants that they weren’t even working anymore. Weed was different, it would always work.

By the time I was in third period I was already falling asleep. I wasn’t able to smoke last night considering I ran out of my supply, so I got a shitty night of sleep. I tapped my pen frantically on top of my books as I watched my classmates pile in, trying desperately to keep my eyes open. I watched Sapphire walk in with her long blonde hair burned straight and her plaid mini skirt nearly riding up. She didn’t even pass me a glance and sat all the way across the room where she normally sat. It appalled me how a person could let so many years of friendship fall apart just to be popular. I knew Sapphire the longest out of my friends. In kindergarten she was the new girl and no one really wanted to be friends with the new kid. I was the only one who sat with her, who’d play with her, and who’d be her friend. Now look at us. She walks past as if she had no idea who I was. I guess that’s what happens when you let your ego get the better of you.

When school was finally finished I dropped Bella off at a friends house and headed downtown where my dealer lived. The apartment building was plain and blended in with the rest. Worn down and ready to collapse. I was always worried walking up the long flight of stairs as they squeaked and shook every time I walked on them.

James pulled open his door when I knocked and I stepped inside, making myself comfortable on his shitty couch. Prescription bottles covered his crusty coffee table as usual and there was a line of white dust already set up. After James snorted the line he sat next to me and cleared his scratchy throat.

“I ran out of weed,” I told the boy and he nodded.

“I know. Why else would you be here?”

James was dangerous. Tattoos covered nearly his entire body and his muscles told anyone that he was the wrong one to mess with. But I knew he had a soft spot for me. I was the only client he’d even allow in his home. His brother and him sold more than just weed, and considering they were the only dealers in town they made bank.

“The thing is, I don’t have the cash right now,” I told him and bit my bottom lip.

James looked my way and sighed heavily. “Kelsey,” he began. “You already owe me three-hundred-“

“I know, I know,” I stopped him. “I told you I’m going to get it to you. I just got to ask my mom for some cash. I haven’t seen her.”

“You’re telling me that you haven’t seen your mom in two months?”

I bit my lip even harder and moved awkwardly where I sat. The truth was it was always hard getting money from my mom. She knew what it was for and she’d always tell me to find my own way to get the cash.

“James please. You know I need it.”

James took the blunt he had from his ear and began to smoke it, not answering me and instead staring off into space. He would eventually cave and give me what I wanted, and I would tell him I’ll pay him back and be on my way. So I just sat there and waited.

“I’m giving you half than what you normally take,” he finally told me and I smiled, reaching over to kiss his cheek.

James passed me the blunt and I couldn’t deny it. I stared down at the prescription bottles filled with pills and wondered what the big deal was. If weed made me feel this good, then how good could those make me feel? I’ve never tried it and never really thought of it. But gazing at the pills now had my brain souring with questions.

“Think you could sell me something stronger?” I asked him, motioning towards the table.

“No way. I’m not going to let you get hooked on that shit. It’s dangerous.”

“Oh c’mon,” I scoffed. “Just to try?”

“You don’t just ‘try’ hard drugs. You get hooked. And considering the shit that goes on in your head, I already see you becoming a feen.”

“You’re no fun,” I groaned and leaned back comfortably.

When I became determined to do something, I’d find a way to do it. And I began to grow even more curious as to how these pills could make me feel.

[queen-of-the-merry-men]

Around the Block (Glass Believer Fic)

A/N: So @findingtallahassee has written me a lot of prompts in the past and I wanted to write something for one of her OTPs. So here’s a short Glass Believer Hyperion Heights AU I thought of awhile ago where Henry is Jacinda’s Swift driver and she needs him to drive her around the block to calm her newborn. @trueloveismagic might be interested too.

------------------

It was getting late when Henry dropped off his latest Swift customer. As he watched the tipsy couple stumble out of his backseat he silently debated whether or not he should call it a night. It was 3am and the late-night crowd was waning but so was his bank account the last time he checked. Pulling, away from the curb he decided that it was time to head home. He’d clock in early tomorrow to make up his losses but for tonight he was done.

He barely driven a block when he got another ping on his Swift app. Groaning, he reluctantly took a look.

A new fare, less than two blocks away and he was the only one in a 10-minute radius. Twisting his lips indecisively, he wondered if it would be worth it to cart another drunk frat boy back to his apartment for the night. After a moment of hesitation he decided to accept. Rent was due soon, anyway.

He drove to address praying to god that whoever got in his backseat wasn’t the chatty type. It was far too late to pretend as if he was interested in anything other sleep this night.

His eyes widened when he pulled up to the curb and saw a woman dressed in blue plaid pajamas waiting on the street. Her lopsided ponytail swung back and forth as she jostled the car seat under her arm, attempting to stifle the long winded yawn he saw fly from her mouth. Before he even rolled down the window he could hear the unmistakable cry of an infant reach his ears.

“My name’s Henry,” he said, uncertainly. “I’m your Swift driver.”

“Oh thank god,” she sighed, reaching for the door handle.

Henry watched, his eyebrows knit together curiously, as she shoved the car seat with her wailing baby in the back before climbing in the front seat and letting out a tired breath.

“So... where are you headed?” he asked, raising his voice over the sound of her baby.

She shrugged. “Nowhere in particular.”

“Excuse me?”

The woman vaguely, gestured toward the road. “Just... drive around the block a few times, please.”

A confused chuckle fell from the back of Henry’s throat, as he shook his head at her. “Yeah... that’s not how this works.”

The mother bowed her head, letting out a tired moan before turning to him with desperate brown eyes. “Listen Henry... do you see that precious ball of joy back there?”

He nodded.

“That is my two-month old daughter, Lucy,” she explained. “I named her that because she is the light of my life... but that screeching sound that she’s making right now? Well, it was the first thing I heard when she was born and the only thing I’ve heard since. I have been up since 6am yesterday, trying to get her to stop and failing miserably.”

“Okay...”

“The only two breaks I’ve gotten,” she said, talking over him, “were on the cab ride home from the hospital and on the hour-long trip to visit my step sister. Apparently the only thing that soothes is the steady rumbling of a car engine so I... am... begging... you... please just take me around the block. Because I am about to lose my mind.”

Henry stared at her. On closer look he noticed the dark circles under her eyes and the spit up on her shoulder, both of them actually. All that combined with the wavering desperation in her voice as she begged him to drive her around the block painted a very visceral picture.

“Okay,” he acquiesced. “I will take around the block a few times. We’ll see how it goes.”

She shut her eyes gratefully. “Thank you. I will give you the best tip of your life, I promise.”

He doubted it, but as he pulled away from the curb with a crying infant and an exhausted mother as his passengers he couldn’t help but feel as though he’d been right to take the fare.

To her credit, the woman was right. They’d barely gone around the block once before Lucy began to settle. By their third time around, she’d gone completely silent and he was sure that she was sound asleep. He gave her two more laps to be sure, and pulled up to their building on the fifth, keeping an eye on her through the rear view mirror.

“Well, I’ll admit that worked better than I expected,” he said, cheerfully putting the car in park. “Think she’ll stay asleep for long?”

Realizing that he was getting only snores in response, his eyes whipped toward his passenger seat, where he saw Lucy’s mother out cold with her head against the window.

“Oh..no, no,” he said, gently shaking her shoulder. “Hey, wake up.”

Double checking her reservation, he starting calling out to her by name. “Jacinda... Jacinda it’s time to wake up.”

For all his efforts, Jacinda remained dead to the world and Henry dropped his head to the steering wheel and groaned. God, this was the night that would never end.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, the cackling beginnings of a cry began to rise from the back seat. Lifting his head from the steering wheel he looked back, worried, as Lucy started to cry again. Jacinda stirred in the front seat and though he knew it was probably the quickest way to get her out of his car, a part of Henry hesitated to let Jacinda wake up to a crying baby.

“Damn it,” he muttered under his breath.

Rolling, his eyes he climbed into the backseat, placing a hand on Lucy’s stomach as she started to squirm. “Hey don’t cry,” he pleaded, in his calmest voice.

Lucy’s face turned red, as she outright ignored him and started to wail once again.

Henry grit his teeth, unsure of what to do next. He wondered if he should take her out of the car seat. Jacinda probably wouldn’t be too fond of that idea.

Lucy let out another wail and Henry reached for her seat belt buckle. Screw it. Maybe he was just tired but if her mother had the audacity to slip into a coma in his front seat, he should be able to comfort the baby anyway he saw fit.

Cradling her in arms, he tried to bounce Lucy to calm her down. It was ineffective. She squirmed and cried in his arms as he tried to remember what his mother had done when he was a baby. She said he used to read to him and tell him stories. Unfortunately, there was only one that he could think of at the moment.

“Okay Lucy,” he muttered. “The publishers didn’t like this one but maybe you will.”

He started telling her the warped fairy tale he’d been working on the past few years. One filled with redemption and curses, old feuds and two battling mothers. He whispered to her stories of a cursed town filled with miserable characters who had no idea who they were and the young boy who worked to save them. It was a long, twisted, confusing tale (according to the publishers) but Lucy seemed to enjoy it. Listening to him speak, her cries softened and eventually went silent. Her eyes didn’t shut but instead remained focused on him. He’d never had such an attentive audience.

Telling stories to her he didn’t even notice how much time slipped by.

---------

Sleep and rest. Jacinda had long forgotten what they felt like. Every since her daughter was born it’d been a 20 minute nap there and 10 minute break here. She hadn’t truly rested in weeks.

Perhaps that’s why she slept so soundly in Henry’s car. If she’d known it would be the last proper sleep she’d get for the next few weeks, maybe she would’ve felt less guilty but as it was she’d count falling asleep in her Swift driver’s car and leaving her baby to the whims of a stranger as one of her lowest parenting moments.

When she woke up, the first thing she noticed was how rested she’d felt. Her bones no longer ached and her head no longer felt heavy with sleep deprivation. For the first time in weeks her mind was clear was as the sky. That’s probably how the panic moved in so quickly.

Squinting, against the glare from the windshield, she noticed that the sun had started to rise and illuminate the street.

Wait... the street?

She abruptly sat forward in her seat and was jerked back by the seat belt across her chest. What hell? Her head whipped around, as she took in her surroundings. Was she in somebody’s... car?

“Don’t panic.”

She whipped her eyes to the back seat where she saw Henry sitting with her daughter in his arms.

“You’re safe,” he said.

One look at him, and everything came back. He was the Swift driver she’d ordered.

“What the hell are you doing?” she hissed, frightened. “Why do you have my baby?”

“Because I figured leaving her alone in the car would be reckless endangerment,” he deadpanned. “You fell asleep.”

“I realize that,” she said, embarrassment rising in her cheeks as she glared at him. “Why didn’t you wake me?”

“I tried,” he laughed. “After the first ten minutes I thought you were legally dead. You were out cold.”

“Oh my god,” she whispered, shutting her eyes and running her hand over her head. Did she really just fall asleep in a stranger’s car with her infant daughter? “Lucy...”

“Is fine,” said Henry. “We’ve really gotten to know each other these past two hours.”

Two hours? “Oh my god!” She jerked away her seatbelt and rushed out of the car. Opening the door to the backseat she held out her arms for her daughter. “Give her to me!”

Henry immediately passed over the baby, and Jacinda sobbed with relief, pulling her close. “Oh my god, baby I am so sorry.”

She looked her over, relieved that her daughter seemed no worse for wear. In fact, she seemed calmer than ever. Not a hint of tears in her eyes.

Henry climbed out of the backseat, pulling Lucy’s car seat with him. He looked her up and down. “I take it you don’t have much help.”

She looked at him, confused. “What?”

“No offense... but you slept like someone who’s doing it all on their own.”

She hesitated, before reluctantly nodding. “It’s just me. I have a roommate who helps as much as she can but she’s visiting her mom this week.”

Henry nodded understandingly, passing her the car seat. “Sounds rough.”

She kept herself from agreeing. She made a promise to herself when Lucy was born to never speak of her as if she was burden. Growing up that was all she’d heard from her stepmother and she didn’t want her daughter to feel the way she had. Instead she just nodded.

“It’s worth it,” she said, looking down at her daughter. “Every minute.”

“I bet,” he mumbled, dropping his gaze. “Listen if you ever need another ride around the block, call me.” He passed her a drab business card. “Hyperion Heights is kind of my territory.”

She let out a small awkward laugh as she took it from him. Henry Mills, FICTION WRITER.

“Fiction writer?” she noticed. “Anything I would know about?”

Henry shrugged his shoulders, opening the door to the driver’s seat. “Ask Lucy. She’s heard all my stories.”

They said goodbye with a nod and a small wave, Henry watching the two of them through his rearview mirror as he drove away, the picture of them sticking in his mind all the way home. After a quick shower, he’d collapse in bed wondering in she’d ever call him again.

When he woke up he’d check his Swift App to find the best tip of his life and a five star rating.

[90sgrungewriter]

3. Untitled - Eddie Vedder

Status: Unedited

Most of the walk was spent in silence. Well, that and smelling his cologne through his flannel. He smelt pretty damn fine.

"You let me know if you get chilly. I'll give this back to you." You motioned to the article of clothing with your finger. He chuckled, not making eye contact.  

"I'm alright. Still a bit sweaty from that show to be honest." He murmured. He was doing that fucking thing he does with his cheekbones again. Or maybe he wasn't doing anything at all. Either way it seemed to captivate you and  you were most likely staring like a lunatic at this point. He noticed and squinted his eyes a bit.

"You ok? What, I got something on my face?" His hand rose to greet his nose, as he felt around his face. There was a certain playfulness to his tone. You giggled. 

"Are you playing a joke on me?" You questioned, stiffling your laughter. His face broke out into a smile, and there it was again. Those pearly whites. 

He was cute.

Your cheeks flushed and you felt the need to look away. It was then you noticed you were on your street. 

"Well, this is my street. My building is a couple down, I'll be fine from here." You slowed your pace, maybe he didn't even want to walk you and he was just doing it to make Stone happy, so you didn't want to make him do more than he had to. He kept walking though, ignoring you completely.

"I promised Stone I'd walk you to your door and if I don't he'll have my head on a platter...He really likes you." He said the last part rather crudley. There it was again, the Stone liking me thing. What fucking mushrooms have these guys been taking and where the hell could you get some?

"Why the hell do people keep saying that to me tonight?" You sped up to catch up with him. "My apartment is in the building across the street." You motioned, making your way down to the road. 

Eddie shrugged his shoulders. "S'Obvious isn't it?" He said nonchalantely. You exhaled loudly. "I'm pretty sure if it was obvious I would fucking know by now. I've known the guy since grade school." Your voice laced with annoyance. Eddie stayed silent till we reached the door of my building.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to make you upset. I shouldn't have said anything." He pinched the bridge of his nose, guilt was evident. You grabbed his arm gently and removed his hand from his face, and watched it fall gently back to his side. He was looking directly at you and it almost made you feel nervous. You tried to play it cool.

"Its okay. I'll see you around, alright? Have a good rest of your night, man." You spoke softly. He nodded. 

You both turn and went your separate ways. 

Finally getting into your apartment, you take off your boots and remember the flannel you bore over your shoulders. You curse under your breath. Why didn't he ask for it back? Its not like he wasn't looking right at you wearing it. You sighed. You would just have to give it back tomorrow or something. You threw the article on your bed and started to get ready for some Zzz’s.

You did your nighttime routine, you weren't very drunk or stoned at this point anymore, which was a good thing. When the time came you got to finally lay down and get some rest. You were exhausted and definitely weren't looking forward to going to work tomorrow.

The next morning came, and you awoke to a pleasant aroma. Your eyes still being shut, pictured a shirtless Eddie laying next to you. But you knew that wasn't the case. And why the fuck were you thinking this shit anyway? Oh my god, get a grip Dani. You scolded yourself, and decided to finally open your eyes. Your face was laying in Eddie's flannel, explaining the heavenly scent. You looked at your clock. 8:46 AM. It was now or never.

Once you were fully awake, you showered and got dressed. You worked at a dingy art store just around the corner from here. It was an ok job, and you were by yourself most of the time as the store rarely got busy. You just did whatever most of the time. You only worked on weekends, sometimes evenings, since you had classes during the week. You were a student at the Gage Academy of Art, and currently had a bachelors degree in graphic design.

Needless to say, the first half of your shift went by pretty quickly. It was nearing 2:30, and there had actually been a decent amount of people that came in. Your shift was done at 4:00, and you were certain an hour and a half would go by quickly. 

You had just finished eating your lunch when none other then Stone Gossard waltzed in to the store.

You decided to fuck with him a bit. 

"Hey there, lover." You said in a mock-flirtatious tone. His eyes widened slightly and he stammered a bit, but quickly recovered. You brushed if off and punched his arm when he made it to the counter.

"W-what? The fuck are you talking about?" He wouldn't look directly into your eyes and your smile faltered a bit, confused. Maybe he was offended? You couldn’t believe he wasn’t saying something ‘insulting’ to you. Was he feeling okay?

"You won't believe what I've been told by three different people." You spoke as though you were going to tell him the best joke he would hear in his lifetime. Well, you kinda were. "Get a load of this shit." You laughed plopping right back onto your stool. Stone approached you closer and leaned on the desk, intrigued. 

"Go on."

"Apparently, you're totally in - love with me!" You snorted, laughing like a fucking mad person. "I mean, according to Kim, Chris and Eddie."

Stone laughed too, but not as much as you did. You took a minute to catch your breath, you put a hand on his shoulder.

"I mean, can you believe that? What fucking drugs are you guys taking behind my back? I want some." Your voice laced with sarcasm, this was all so funny to you. He still stayed a bit quiet, but a small smile lay upon his lips.

"I mean, Eddie's been here five minutes and says its 'obvious'? I mean come on!" I shook him jokingly. "I'm pretty sure I would have known by now if you were in god damn love with me!" You spoke again, your hands heading for your coffee that was in front of you.

"Yeah, thats ridiculous. Love you? You suck." He mocked. 

You just shook your head. "Anyway, what are you doing here Stoney?"

"Well, the boys brought a few cases of beer over, and we were going to order pizza and have a chill night. Things have been pretty hectic, y'know? Eddie's barely had a second to actually communicate with people outside of a venue." He explained, looking around the store. He rarely came in here, so you guessed he was just observing a bit.

You thought about it for a second. You had to give Ed back his plaid anyway, so why not? 

"Sure, I'll be there. Your place right?" 

"Yeah." There was a honk outside. "Sorry, Dave is in the car, we couldn't find a parking nearby so I told him to just drive around a few times while I was in here." He started to make his way to the door, with so little as a glance your way.

"See you later, Danica." And he left.

You had a strange feeling in the pit of your stomach. He never called you Danica. Maybe you made him uncomfortable? 

In all the time you've known him, you never thought of him that way. Not because he wasn't good looking or anything, cause in truth he was a handsome guy. But because you didn't want to risk ruining the best friendship you would probably ever have. He meant a lot to you and if that were to fall apart over stupidity, you wouldn't be able to live with yourself. And you pretty certain he didn't see you that way anyway, which was a good thing.

The rest of your shift flew by and before you knew it, you were at home changing your clothes to go to Stone's. You wore your dark ripped jeans, a Soundgarden shirt and a dark baseball cap. Knowing the walk would be cool, you grabbed your dark green hoodie and put it on. You laced up your boots and made sure to grab Eddie's flannel before you left the apartment. 

The walk was a quick one. Stone only lived about 20 minutes away, and you enjoyed them. You were smoking a cigarette and finished it as you approached the door. Without knocking you entered. There were boys sprawled all out in the living room, all with beers in their hands, watching some movie. Their eyes darted toward you in the doorway and you smiled, waving your hand. So far, it was just the Mookie boys. 

"Hello boys." 

There was a chorus of greetings, and Jeff made his way over, grabbing your purse and the flannel, setting it down on the table. He engulfed you in a bear hug. 

"Glad you could make it! Pizza should be here any minute. Let me get you a cold one." He stalked over to the fridge.

"Me too. Who else is supposed to be here? I thought this was going to be for Eddie to meet some new people." You questioned. Eddie already knew everyone in the house.

"The Alice guys are going to be here any minute. They haven't met Eddie yet, but Soundgarden is playing another show at the Off Ramp tonight so they won't be here. Maybe they'll show up later. I think Mark said he would try and make it but that’s yet to happen." He spoke cheerfully, leading you to the living room. 

You and Ed made eye contact and he gave you a tight lipped smile.

"Hey you. I brought your flannel. Why didn't you remind me last night? I don't want to steal your things." You joked, taking a seat next to him on the couch. It was the only spot that was available actually, because Jeff was in it beforehand. 

But he had gone off somewhere, maybe the pizza was here.

"Thanks. I didn't want to say anything. It looked better on you anyways." His eyes that were glued to the TV took a minute to meet yours and it was a sweet moment. It was funny how he could literally just look at you and have you feel this weird mushy feeling in your stomach. You didn't like it. It scared you.

Before you could say anything about his comment, Jeff shouted that the pizza was here. Yes it was, and it smelled like fucking heaven. You were pretty hungry. You took a swig of your beer and stood up, along with everyone else and made your way into the kitchen.

"How are things, Krusen?" You smiled politely at the band member you were  the least closest to. It wasn't anything personal, you just hadn't known him your entire life like the other guys (minus Eddie, obviously). 

"Not bad. Still above the ground." He joked. You snorted. You always thought his sense of humor was hilarious.

"Yeah, I feel you bud." You patted his arm gently. 

"And you Dani? How are things up your alley?" You's made your way toward the couch with your beer and pizzas. This was going to be a good night. 

"Alright, I guess. Nothing ever really happens." And that was true, nothing ever happened to you. Your life was actually pretty boring. But when you hung out with these guys, it was different. It was never a dull moment with them. And you loved it. You always had a good time.

"Well well well, digging into the pizza before we even get here? Didn't your parents ever teach you manners!" Jerry Cantrell.

[kpopkazoo]

i’ve been thinking about all the messes i’ve made (2/3)

Yoongi x Female!Reader / Yoongi x You

Prompt: 13. “I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I can’t trust anyone anymore, can I?”

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3

Three days passed with total radio silence from you. The boys had respected your wishes for the first twenty-four hours before you were getting spammed over every messaging app with apologies. You put them all on block before eventually just turning your phone off entirely. Having down time with the device would inevitably just lead to you looking at old conversations or pictures, and that wasn’t what you needed right now.

You didn’t hear anything from Yoongi, though, until the end of the third day.

You were just crawling into bed after a nice long bath with some of the LUSH products that Yoongi had gotten you for Valentine’s day a few months ago. It was hard, sitting in your apartment and looking around at all the little ways he had worked his way into your life over the last two years—his belongings and clothes lying around, gifts he’d given you for Chuseok and Christmas and birthdays and anniversaries—the list went on.

You’d turned on your phone to play some relaxing music while you lounged in bed when you heard the unmistakable chirp of your kakao.

My Min <3:

I know you’re probably still mad at me. But the least I can do is give you an explanation. Can we meet?

It seemed silly, but you’d forgotten to block Yoongi because he hadn’t messaged you at all.  You weren’t sure if he would. A part of you was a little scared he’d just ghost out of your life, never to be heard from again. After staring at your phone for a few minutes, you finally responded.

It’s almost midnight.

My Min <3:

I’ll make it fast.

A part of you wanted to hold out a little longer, the hurt from what had transpired a few days ago still feeling very fresh. But the larger side of you—the one that had spent two years learning the ins and outs of another person, who had taken the time to find the love in this brash boy from Daegu— just missed your best friend.

Two years was a long time to lose over a photo on Naver.

Just come over.

Normally you would have insisted the meeting take place in neutral territory, like a coffee shop or a park or something, but because of the nature of Yoongi’s job, your could only go to his place, your place or the studio. And hell if you were gonna have this conversation at the risk of the other members walking in.

So you threw on a sweatshirt over your sleep shirt and turned the lights in your kitchen and living room back on. You put the kettle on too—not unlike many late nights in your apartment.

You opened the door when you heard the knock, and you were proud of yourself for not getting teary-eyed at the sight of him standing in your doorway. He looked good, for almost midnight: black jeans and a flannel with a black baseball cap and a black facemask. (You silently cursed every god you could think of, like they knew you’d always been weak for Yoongi in plaid) Even from the several feet between you, you could tell he was wearing makeup, like he’d come straight from a schedule.

He didn’t move inside immediately, like he normally would. He pulled his mask down and licked his lips nervously, staring at you so intently you had to look away.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” You responded softly, every nerve on edge. “You can come in, you know.”

“I know.” He said, and even though he was still looking at you in that way, he leaned down to untie his converse sneakers, which were—unsurprisingly—entirely black.

The kettle rang in the distance, and you left him alone to tend to it. He followed you into the kitchen area of your small apartment and sat down at the table you had there, the same way he did any time he came over and you were making something. Only this time there was no good natured teasing, no jokingly threatening him with your cutting knives and definitely no stolen kisses while waiting for the rice to finish cooking.

Instead, Yoongi sat down and pulled his arms in close to himself, as if trying to take up as little space as possible. It wasn’t something you were used to seeing from him—usually Yoongi was trying to make himself bigger, like he was trying to prove something to some inattentive god. He didn’t do… small, like this.

You silently prepared two cups of green tea, and placed one in front of him, like you’d done a thousand times. Now getting a good look at him in the light, you could see where the makeup was covering breakouts, where his eyes were bloodshot and his hair a little greasy beneath the cap. He stopped staring at the table long enough to glance up at you, and seemed unsurprised to find you already looking at him.

“Decaf?”

“You kind of look like shit.”

“I—haven’t been sleeping great. For obvious reasons.” He said quietly.

He brought the cup to his lips and took a long swig of the hot liquid. The picture of the two of you was as normal as any other night of the past two years—sitting together at your kitchen table talking over tea, or curled up on your couch reading or watching something together, or camped out in Yoongi’s studio until the latest release was done. From an outsider’s perspective, you wouldn’t think anything was amiss.

You missed when things felt that simple. Life had suddenly become more complicated.

Yoongi took a few sips of tea before sighing and looking up at you.

“I know apologizing isn’t enough right now,” He started throat already a little raw from his schedule, “And I can’t go back in time and changed things that happened in the past. If I could, I would. You know I would.” His eyes were pleading in a way you rarely saw from him. “But before you decide that this—that we—are really over,” He let out a little breath, like the idea took the very wind from him. “Just let me tell you what that happened that night. At least, from what I remember of it.”

You frowned, nursing your tea in your hands close to your chest. “I don’t know that that’s a great way to start.”

Yoongi grimaced. “Yeah, I know, but it’s the ugly truth. I don’t really remember a lot of that night. Jimin, that idiot—”

You crossed your arms. “As far as I’m concerned, the only real idiot in this situation is the one who’s been lying to his girlfriend for months.”

He frowned, casting his eyes downward again. “… Right. Anyway, Jimin was right—it happened in March, right before we finished the new album.”

“I was stressed out at the studio one night, and Namjoon was there with me. I was—I was just so frustrated, because it felt like nothing was coming together the way I wanted it to. We were just going to go out and have a couple drinks, to take the edge off.”

This itself wasn’t an uncommon occurrence. While you liked to think of yourself as a comforting presence when your boyfriend was going through rough times, you knew that sometimes he just needed to be out with the boys. It wasn’t something that had ever concerned you, and you trusted the rest of BTS with both your life and Yoongi’s. Maybe a little naively. “Where was I while all this was happening?”

“I think this was the weekend you went to Busan with your friends.” He rubbed at his eyes. “You weren’t home, I remember that for sure.”

“So we head out to Gangnam, and we’re at a couple bars, but then Hoseok wanted to meet up and go dancing and we were already kind of drunk, so it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“Fateful last words.” You said and Yoongi just chuckled darkly.

“No kidding.” He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. “So we go the Impulse, where Hoseok knows who’s DJ-ing that night, or whatever, and suddenly there is this group of girls there that are talking to us and I’ve had a couple more drinks so I’m pretty drunk. Namjoon and Hoseok are doing most of the talking, from what I remember, but there’s this one girl who keeps calling me out specifically to ask me things. That’s pretty much where my memory ends.”

“So that’s it?”

He takes another sip of tea and scratches his head. “No, I know some of what Namjoon and Hobi told me. They say we all got up to dance – ” You snorted loudly and he grimaced. “Okay, Namjoon and Hobi got up to dance and I just followed them, then I just… wasn’t there, for a little while. Eventually they noticed and Nam found me out back, with that girl all up in my space.” He scratched the back of his head. “He dragged me back inside and then we left. The next morning I woke up in my bed. Alone.”

You felt the knot in your stomach loosen a small margin. Though Yoongi not telling you what happened that night was bad enough, it made you feel a tiny bit better that he hadn’t gone home with someone. You didn’t know just how far you’d be able to forgive.

“So that’s the end? What about the boys?”

Yoongi cleared his throat, eyes trained on the table again. “When I woke up and realized what had happened, I… I freaked. I have no idea what happened in that alley, but the idea that I could have done something to break your trust, or hurt you—I panicked. I made them promise me they wouldn’t tell you.”

Even at several feet away, you could practically feel the guilt rolling off of him in waves, but your temper flared. “So you turned all my closest friends against me.” His head snapped up.

“No, NO I would never—Baby—” He practically growled in frustration, both hands coming to lay flat on the surface of the table. “I was going to tell you, I swear, and the idea that it would get to you through one of them before I could explain—”

“You were going to tell me?” You crossed your arms, your irritation starting to get the better of you. “And tell me, Min Yoongi, when that was supposed to happen?”

“There was never a right time.” He mumbled. “The album dropped, and then we were in the middle of a comeback and then we left for tour and then it was our anniversary…” He dug the heels of his hands into his eyes so hard you momentarily worried for his eyesight. “And then months had gone by and nothing had come out in the press and we were good, we were so good, and it didn’t feel like it mattered anymore whether or not I couldn’t remember if a girl I don’t give a shit about tried to kiss me in an alley behind a stupid club.”

The thing was, he was right. Your relationship was usually something you were grateful for, but the last few months had been particularly special. You’d been allowed to accompany the boys on part of their tour, and had spent yours and Yoongi’s anniversary on a boat sailing around Sydney Bay, eating and drinking and laughing until you could barely move. He’d been there when you were having a hard time at your job, cursing your terrible boss to the high heavens and holding you when you’d been passed over for a promotion.

You’d always figured that after two years with someone, it was normal that the passion would fade—not entirely, but into a kind of placid contentment. It had happened to you in relationships before, and you’d seen the fire slowly fade in friends and family. But with Yoongi, that hadn’t happened; even though you knew each other intimately, there were still surprises. You’d traveled each other’s dark corners, but it was almost as if you’d just laid down roots for unknown things to grow there, things you planted together. It was more than getting an apartment or a pet together; sometimes you thought he was more of you than you were.

“I don’t believe in soulmates.” He’d said once, the two of you lying together in your bed, hands clasped over his chest. You were beginning to doze, but you knew he was talkative sometimes after making love, so you tried to keep yourself awake enough to listen.

“I know.”

“I don’t believe in soulmates.” He repeated, as if he hadn’t heard you speak. “I always thought it was silly, the idea that two people could be made for each other. Where’s the point of being an individual then, if you’re only half of something whole? It’s stupid.” He scoffed softly. You knew better than to be offended—if you hadn’t been able to handle this side of Min Yoongi, you’d have been headed for the hills a long time ago.

You yawned. “You’re right, babe.” Your eyes were beginning to droop, and you valiantly tried to keep them open. You knew the moment they shut you were a goner.

“Right. So I don’t believe in soulmates.” He paused, one hand drifting to smooth your hair. “But I believe in you. And I believe in me, and I believe in us, together.”

Staring at this poor creature in front of you—this hunched, miserable figure was not the Min Yoongi you loved, and yet it was. Because this was the boy who loved you so much that he was wrecked by the mere idea that he had been unfaithful. That he had hurt you.

I believe in us, together.

Not something silly with a girl in the back alley of a club.

Us.

“It doesn’t really matter to me whether she kissed you or not.” You admitted, setting your cup down on the table. “I wish you had told me right after it happened, so we could have just talked it out then, but I get that you were scared. I just…” You chewed on your lower lip, a habit he’d chastised you for over and over again, before extending a hand out over the table. He immediately extended both of his own and latched onto it, his fingers kneading small, comforting circles into your palm.

“No one wants to be that girl who gets left in the dark, you know? The one who’s the last to know. And you put me in that position with this, and it hurts. And you brought all our friends into it.” The misery on his face was clear, and you could see the tell tale signs that he was near tears.

“I know. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry for doing this to you.”

Finally hearing him truly apologize lifted some of the shadows from your gaze, and you let out a sigh to steady yourself. The two of you just sat like that for a minute, holding hands across the table with your eyes fixed on them.

But there was one more thing you needed to know. “I know you don’t do what you don’t want to do. So when I found out about what happened, I kept asking myself: ‘if he wanted to be with other people, why did he stay with me? Why are we still together?’” Yoongi’s hands momentarily squeezed yours so hard that you saw his knuckles go a little white.

“But then I thought about the first Chuseok after we started dating.” You smiled a little at the memory—your first trip to Daegu had been entertaining, to say the least. “And I thought about falling asleep in the car listening to Drake, and I thought about when I got my wisdom teeth pulled and you did girl group dances to make me laugh and spoon fed me soup and applesauce. And I thought about a hundred other moments that are so much more important to me than the picture I saw on Naver.”

“I don’t think you’d stay with me if you didn’t want to be with me.” His face was unreadable. You took a deep breath. “Do you still want to be with me, Yoongi?”

“Yes,” he breathed quietly, but without hesitation, “More than anything.”

You felt a traitorous prickle at the back of your eyes.

“Then I forgive you.”

He’d been so tense this whole time, you’d expected him to collapse when it was all over. But in true Yoongi fashion, he didn’t do anything you expected. He just stared at you for a minute, still clenching your hands together. You grew a little worried, watching him.

“Yoo—” Suddenly his hands moved to your face, cradling it like it was something precious that could shatter at any moment. Then, with painstaking slowness, he leaned across the table and kissed you softly once, then again. You felt dampness against your cheeks and knew the proverbial barrier had broken.

Even though the kisses were eons tamer than things you’d done before, you still found yourself breathless when you finally broke apart. “Don’t make me regret this, Min Yoongi.”

He smiled a little, still holding your face. You brought the sleeves of your sweatshirt up to wipe away some of his tear tracks. “I won’t—I promise I won’t.”

You smiled back at him, standing up. “Then let’s go to bed.”

You dropped your mugs by the kitchen sink and Yoongi followed you into the bathroom, where you sat on the counter and helped him remove his leftover schedule makeup with makeup wipes. You let yourself take extra time tracing the lines of his face, lingering on the soft skin under his eyes and around his mouth. Yoongi’s eyes never left you, and you felt yourself blushing. You pulled his toothbrush out from the drawer you’d thrown it in and together you brushed your teeth in silence, just basking in each other’s presence. The two of you crawled into your bed and curled up together, Yoongi barely bothering to remove his jeans before wrapping himself around you.

“You smell amazing.” He sighed, nuzzling into your hair. “It’s been driving me crazy since the moment I walked in.”

“It was a bath bomb. On of the ones you got me for valentine’s day.” You said quietly, not wanting to disturb the moment. Valentine’s day had been a good day.

He hummed quietly. He hadn’t said much since the end of your earlier conversation, but you knew that a quiet Yoongi didn’t necessarily mean an unhappy Yoongi. Sometimes he just needed more time to process things.

A few moments later, you felt yourself beginning to drift off when he finally spoke.

“I love you. So fucking much. I don’t say it a lot because I don’t understand it; how you can make me feel like I’m both completely content and bursting at the seams, but mostly I don’t say it because I don’t know how you can possibly love me back. How you can put up with all the shit I’ve put you through just by being an idol—fuck, just by being me—and still want to stand by me and make this work.” You could feel him swallow. “But I thank every fucking god every day that you do.”

You turned over in his arms so you were facing him. He let his hands come together around your lower back and the two of you gazed in each other’s eyes for the umpteenth time that night.

Finally you spoke. “I don’t believe in soulmates. Never have, never will.” You let yourself smile a little as the recognition lit up in his eyes. “But I believe in you. And I believe in me, and I believe in us, together.” You pulled your boyfriend— not your soulmate, but your Yoongi—in close and touched your foreheads together.

“Together.”

(now i understand why it takes authors years to edit books-- i already want to change so many things about this, but I hope it brought you some modicum of happiness. I have like 30% of pt 3 written so that’ll be up in the next few days)

[takeenata]

Home

Had I known ahead of time that I’d be coming back from the grip of death, I would’ve requested better insoles inside of these dress shoes. It would make the walk along this highway bearable. Whose dumb idea was it to hitchhike along a highway anyways; does this thumb trick even work?

Right. My dumb idea.

Bury me with gloves next time too. And a scarf. An overcoat as well. As my walk along the highway continues, the biting cold of this Alaskan weather battles against my exposed skin. I do what I can to keep one hand warm, the right hand, as it gets tucked away in my pocket. The left, sadly, is the one that has to be mistreated as I stick it out to draw attention to the cars driving by.

I remember back before I died when my family were constantly on the move from state to state, meaning highways and routes were the fastest way to and through. As we drove along, there was always some man doing as I do, his thumb as he requests anyone and everyone to give him a ride. I told my kids to be careful of these men; it could very easily be someone trying to rob you of everything you have, or even steal your car. Now I walk and wonder how many of those men were in the same boat I am; lost and just trying to find their way home.

Left hand is getting too cold. Left arm is getting tired. I pull it away from the brisk air, cup a fist around my mouth, and breath into it. The back to trying what I can to get a ride home. If anyone would be willing to drive all across the country for a man that looks like me. Fingernails have grown out past my fingertips, and they’re dirt-logged. My beard is scraggly, unkempt, disastrous, mangled and just -- I’m trimming it as soon as possible. Hair isn’t that bad, but it’s usually does it’s own thing anyways.

I don’t want to guess how my breath smells right now.

…

Another hour goes by, and I am maybe four miles closer to home. At this rate, I’ll be home in a few months. That isn’t anywhere near alright. Any minute away from home is a wasted minute. Hysterical that Austin brought large attention to having to focus on the eight demons that murdered me, but he wastes my time by having my wake up in Alaska.

Honestly complaining about being alive. Intolerable. Life is a gift. I’ve been given it twice now. How often can a person say that?

…

Just as soon as I was ready to stop trying to hitch a ride and continue walking; a truck with a hood over its bed pulls over and begins to flash it’s hazards. Despite the help I needed, and the lack of anything but dirt-riddled clothes, it’s in my nature to offer help in anyway possible. Tucking away the left hand that felt frozen, I approach the vehicle and use the warmed right hand to wave at the driver.

The driver opens the door and steps down, talking to me face to face. Well not exactly face to face, he’s roughly a foot shorter than I am. I can tell he’s human, with his lack of any abnormal features like pointy ears, or bucked lower teeth. The vehicle is still on, the loud engine rumbling in a static position, as he comes down. He’s wearing black long-sleeve shirt, a plaid shirt over that, and a type of vest over that. He wears some sort of baseball-cap that was black, with U.S.M.C. stitched on in bold military-like lettering. “Howdy,” he says, scratching the stubble on his face.

“Hey,” I say, giving a small wave to him. “Your hazards are on. Is your truck broken?”

“Nah, she’s fine,” he calmly says, patting the hood of his truck. “Couple a’ truckers were chatting on their radio of a guy trying to hitch a ride, wearin’ a suit down this highway. Figured I’d do somethin’ nice for a change.”

“You’re offering me a ride?” I say with triumphant glee. A stroke of good luck.

“Depends where you’re headin’ to.” I tell him the general area of the state where I live. He takes out a phone, I assume to check his GPS. He nods his head as his thumb flicks across the screen, humming as he looks at the roads. “I’m headin’ down to Louisiana, but I can afford a day’s delay to drop ya’ off home.”

“That would be one of the nicest things anyone has done for me,” I say, offering a handshake. He takes it with firmness, giving it a good shake and letting go. “I’m Tak, by the way. Takeenata.”

“Nice to meet ya’ Tak. I’m Matthew,” humbly he spoke, heading back into his truck. “Matthew Hellburn.” I walk to the right side of the vehicle, dusting myself off any cold dirt clumps that layered my suit before I enter the truck.

I sit inside, observing the interior. Nothing out of the ordinary by my numbers; the radio that was able to play cassette tapes could be considered retro, or vintage. Matthew had a mount on his dashboard though, square and pointed towards him. He takes the phone from his pocket and snaps it into the m -- Hey he has a phone!

I want to call my wife now. No - I need to call my wife! She above anyone else deserves to know I’m alive! “Matthew, can I borrow --”

“My cellphone? I’d let’cha but we’ve got no service for a couple miles from here.”

Damn.

“Once we hit the main highway, signal should be good enough to make a call. Is it like, very important?”

“Very very. I’ve gotta call my wife.”

“She’s at home all the way in --” “Yeah. All the way out there.”

“Hell. What’re ya’ doing all the way in Alaska.”

“I’m uh --” Time for a half-truth. “Visiting family.” He peers over at me as we drive along the highway now; stripes of yellow zipping past us. The look he gives is one I’m familiar with giving and receiving. Matthew’s trying to figure out more questions. “Does she even know where you’re at?”

“She knows I’m out here, but she doesn’t know I’m coming home.” I have a feeling I’ll be telling Matthew a few secrets of my own eventually. I don’t mind sharing them though, there’s little to no chance that after we go our separate ways, I’ll never hear or see him again.

“Well alright then,” he says, shrugging his shoulders, averting his eyes back to the road. Have a feeling more questions will come throughout this road trip.

I’ve got another one in store for him. “How long before I’m home?”

“A day at least. Two days at most. Depends on how shitty traffic gets when we pass through major cities.”

“Why pass through the major cities at all then?”

“Ya’ know I asked myself that? I mapped out back roads but I can’t be certain the safety of them; cities like to take care of their most used streets and roads ya’ know?” I get it. He’s looking out for his safety, and probably his trucks.

Not to downplay a Ford, but it looked to be in need of better maintenance. In his head, he probably considered a chance of his truck breaking down. If he was on a major road, help would be easy. If he was on a backwater road of gravel and dirt, help would be difficult to come by. Or there’s always the possibility that he just wants a faster route.

Thinking on his truck reminds me of my own car. A 1969 Camaro Stroker. Absolutely love that vehicle. It’s at home in my garage. I can feel a smile stretch across my face as I think on this car and it’s beauty. Because when I get to see my car, that means I’ll be home; I’ll see my family before I see my car.

Family comes first.

…

Nothing between Matthew and I. No conversation, not even the occasional glance over the shoulder towards one another. The recordings of the late and great Johnny Cash is the only thing filling the void of silence. Sadly this is the third time now Matthew has let the CD play on loop; this CD has nearly all the songs Mr. Cash released during his time.

Maybe’s now the time to break the silence with an important question. “Is your phone getting signal now?”

“Lemme check,” he says, tapping the phone on the mount. He swipes a few times on the screen before he gives a definite answer. “Sure does,” Matthew states, dismounting the phone and handing it over to me, digital dialpad already on the screen for me to type.

“Thank you. Like - Thank you. This means a --”

“Call your wife, man. Then thank me,” he interrupts. But, he’s got a point.

I enter Pirella’s ten digit number, hands shaking as I press each number. I’m feeling a wave of emotions rush through my head as I hear the dial tone. Anticipation; I have no idea how long I was gone, but I know it wasn’t any less than a year, and she thinks I’m dead; this will be one of the best bits of news she’ll ever hear. Yet, I feel a level of fear.

My mind rushes to think that the worse has happened while I was away. As I think, the worse thing possible begins to slowly evolve with each passing thought. What if she’s sleeping right now? What if her phone’s dead? What if she’s at work? What if she’s not near her phone? What if she changed her number? What if she got a new phone? What if someone bought her a new phone? What if she moved on and is living with another man? Good Lord, what if she couldn’t handle to stress of raising two kids and abandoned them? Good Christ -- what if she killed herself?!

Get ahold of yourself Lossehelin. Pirella is a strong willed woman. A fantastic warrior of mind and body. Nothing would even cause her to come close to a drastic measure as suicide. The fact that you’d even think such is low. She wouldn’t move onto another man, she dedicated seventeen years of marriage and three years of coast-to-coast monster-hunting before that.

“Hello?” I hear on the other end of the phone. It’s not Pirella’s voice. It could’ve been easily mistaken for her voice though, if Pirella was maybe ten years younger. I am greeted with the sound of my daughter, Nimie’s, voice instead. She must’ve had my wife’s phone for the time being, which tends to happen she’s busy enough to not answer the phone.

I think of something to say to let Nimie know it’s me. Her nickname I have for her! “Hey troublemaker,” I say.

“Wha - no way. Dad is that you?”

“Yes, this is dad. Is mom around?”

I can hear her starting to sniffle, and her voice starts to sound dry. It was not my intention to make my daughter cry, but what happens, happens. “Y-yeah dad, sh-she’s in the other room.”

“Can you get her for me, please?” I then hear Nimie shout for Pirella. The wife shouts back on what my daughter needs. Daughter, coughing with her suddenly dry throat, says that I’m on the phone. Not many seconds later, the phone is given to my wife.

“H-hello?” Says my wife, hope masked with disbelief in her voice.

“Hey, babe,” I say, with complete joy.

“Sir, if this is a prank, you’re a sick-minded freak.”

“It’s not a prank honey, really. It’s me. It’s -- it’s Tak.”

I hear her start to ball her eyes out, Nimie joining in. “Oh my God, honey! Wh- what happened? How’re you al- how’re you back?!”

“I was gi-”

“I -- I don’t even care! I’m just glad you’re back and -- and!” I hear her gasp suddenly. “Oh God, honey, you’re all the way in Alaska, how’re you heading home?!”

“I’m getting a ride from a friend,” I say, eyeing Matthew. He’s watching me have this conversation. For some reason he waves when I mention him. “We’re gonna be home in two days.”

“Two days? Are you sure?”

“I’m sure baby, really. I -- I’ll be home soon.”

Her voice continues to tremble. But in this seeming horror, she’s happy. “Please come home. We’ve missed you so much babe.”

…

It’s been a day of travelling with the occasional stop for rest and food. A thought comes to my mind; I ask it instantly. “Matt what ah -- what day is it?”

“What day?” He questions, eyes fixated on the road, but his attention to me. “It’s Saturday.”

“No no - the date. What date is today?”

“Oh. May seventh.”

“May seventh?!” The haunting truth comes to me. Three months. Though the passage of time for me was just a few hours, the reality is that I was dead for over ninety-days. Ninety days. My house was built in less time than that. All the things I missed during that timeline. I’ve gotta make up that time to them. To my family.

“Didja not have yourself a calendar in Alaska?”

“No Matt, I uh - I didn’t.”

“How’dja manage that?”

“I’m not the best liar Matt.”

“I could tell that about ya’ since I picked you up yesterday,” Matt laughed. “But what’re you trying to hide?”

“It’s a uh. Something of a bad habit of mine.”

“We’ve got about another day’s worth of travelling before we’re at your place. Wanna stop at a uh - like a Burger King to talk about this or something?”

“I ain’t hungry, Matt. This is also somethin’ I wouldn’t wanna discuss in public either.”

“Is it graphic?”

“Just weird.”

“I can do weird.”

“I’ll take your word on it.” How the Hell am I gonna just up and say I had just woken up from my grave? That I’m a hunter of evil monsters and beings? Eight demons jumped me in an alleyway. I made a deal with an angel to destroy them, if I got to go back to being alive.

I take a deep breath in, collecting myself and my thoughts. “When you found me on the highway, I had just come back from the dead.”

“So you’re a vampir -- actually that wouldn’t work, you were walkin’ in the sun.”

“I’m not any sort of undead being. My soul’s intact, and I’m me.”

“So what are you then? Is it a thing for elves to come back to life when they die?”

“I think if that were the case, this whole situation wouldn’t be happening right now. But I’m uh - I’m Takeenata. For most of my life I kill evil beings and creatures.”

“Is it for some kind of enjoyment? Not common to meet someone else that does that ya’ know.”

“It’s not for enjoyment; Hell I’ve never enjoyed doi - someone else? You do this too?”

“Mmhmm,” Matt hums, nodding his head at the same time. “It started with Afghan. My squad got hit by something nasty; wasn’t human. Since then I’ve been searching for anythin’ like it. Ain’t right for evil like that to do what it wants.”

“Been a long time since I’ve met anyone else that does this. What eh,” I scratch my chin. “What’s your story then?”

Matt also scratches his chin, pondering my question no doubt. “Parents were assassinated by some ghouls when I was younger. I grew up livin’ with that, telling everyone the truth. I thought someone out there would understand my story, but really, no one believed what I was saying. Said my mind made up that scenario to help cope with their deaths. Strange, yeah? With all that exists, people said I was crazy for thinkin’ a ghoul killed my parents?”

“Vampires walk ‘round with umbrellas and dragons take form of humans to fit in. It’s strange that people still don’t believe a lot of things.”

“It’s a lotta bullshit is what it is. Eventually I accepted the fact that maybe, I was crazy. I grew older, and went down a path of valor. Joined the Marines, went two tours to Afghanistan. During my last few months there, my squad was taken out by a group of insurgents who turned from guys in robes to monsters with knife-like-teeth.”

He takes a few breaths, and under his breathing I can hear him silently counting to ten. “I knew then and there that what I seen as a kid wasn’t an illusion. What I saw was something inhuman.”

“Sounded like you through Hell, man.”

“And Hell left it’s mark,” Matt said, taking his left hand off the steering wheel to reach over and tap the back of his right shoulder. “During a firefight, I got shot in the back and blacked out almost instantly. When I woke, I was in a helicopter, flying away from the fight. I argued to go back, but the docs said I had no chance in Hell of returning with my injuries.”

Despite his injuries, Matt wanted to return to the fight. Admirable. “Couple months later I got a medal, I guess. Soon after I had to be relieved of duty; my bullet wound messed up my shoulder and arm pretty badly.”

“Well hey man, if it’s any relief; thanks for your service.”

“I like to think, Tak, that my service ain’t done yet. Ya’ know, fighting these monsters and doin’ work that ordinary cops can’t do. Like I never stopped being the warrior I was trained to be.”

“Well thanks for your continuing service then, Matt.”

“Speakin’ of continuous service; how long have you been doin’ the whole “huntin’” thing?”

The question hit me like a brick. After a moment I was able to give an answer. “Since the mid 1980’s. I can’t pinpoint when exactly; lot has happened from that moment.”

“Should be me thanking you then. Been doin’ it longer than I’ve been alive it seems.”

“Yeah. Too long really. I’ve been eh - I want to stop. It’s just one of those things that take a while to just stop, right?”

“And it seems like that’s all you’re able to do, right?”

“That’s pretty much how it is.”

“Yeah... I feel you on that. Just -- I go at it, and I feel like I’m back over there.”

“Seen a doctor, a psychiatrist, about it yet?”

“Yeah yeah. Docs said it’s an obvious form of P.T.S.D. But it doesn’t change the facts of the situation. I go get some with these monsters and vile creatures, and when it feels like I’m back at it.”

I can sympathize with Matthew. In a way. I have occasional nightmares, featuring the faces of people and monsters I’ve had the unfortunate ties of knowing. Pirella used to tell me that I’d start panting and beating sweat like I was running a marathon, then I’d wake up in a panic. Some nights I’d wake up the kids with how loud I had screamed. Some nights I wouldn’t sleep just to avoid nightmares all together.

I need to be home soon.

…

Almost like a sudden wake up, I’m knocking at my front door. Words cannot describe the amount of joy I feel as my wife swings open the door, then her arms wrap around my neck, and my arms around her waist. She’s wearing my brown jacket. The kids see this, and they rush to join in the hug; Doc putting down his cellphone surprisingly.

Matthew takes his leave soon after. I paid him for his transportation service. It was a hundred dollars in cash, plus some more for the extra stops along the way. But the price to pay was worth every damn penny.

I’m willing to pay any price to be home again.

[aquarianlights]

OKAY FINALLY....HERE IS WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON. I’M SORRY THIS IS SO LONG AND SO LATE. FUCK.

((C/Ped this from a FB post, so there may be a few...not understandable things here, but for the most part, you'll get what I'm saying. Tried to edit it to fit a generalized linguistic standard, so to speak. Idk. I tried. Here you go.))

OKAY Now that I'm finally not entirely exhausted and am not ready to jump off a bridge (yet), I am gonna fucking type this up coz everyone is asking me what's going on and I can't keep up with y'all. Damn. Okay, so. . .

The past two weeks have been fucking...awful. Literally the worst two weeks of my life I had ever had. It began with me doing something VERY illegal and my mom figuring it out when I didn't think it would happen the way it did. In fact, for someone who has a catastrophic thinking problem, I'm surprised this scenario did not enter my mind at any moment.

It was the moment I said "Wow. I really am a drug addict." I mean, I've known I was an addict for literally years but after what I did, I just couldn't even...I mean, this is something I could have gone to prison for life or double life for. So it kinda just...woke me up and I was like "fuck" but I kept going anyways and then I ran out of pills and everything else and didn't know what to do. . . which is precisely the moment my mom had found out what I had done.

Bad timing.

So she blocks me in the basement with her car so that I can't use my car. And it's been YEARS of me saying to my father "Can I PLEASE buy my car from you so I have legal ownership?" Every day. . .same response. . . "Yeah, of course! Just let me get around to it." Like...this goes on for like...since maybe 2013? 4ish years later...my mom starts holding it over my head. "The car isn't even legally yours so if you take it anywhere, I will just call the police and tell them you stole it." Well I couldn't anyways because she blocked me in with her car. The only way I could have driven it was directly off the mountain cliff and over the edge, which I was considering, but felt too scared that I might hurt an animal in the process since it's all forest and trees and such where I am and our neighbours down the road have free-roam dogs. So despite the fact I would have LOVED to have just gunned the accelerator off the edge of that cliff, I didn't.

Then they barricade me in my room and won't let me out. This isn't unusual. Normally they turn off the power to the basement and leave me down there. But this time they actually barricaded me in the ROOM and not just the basement. I had no water and no access to water. Or anything else. And then my mom would come pounding on my door and screaming and at one point she had my dad hold me down while she took every single one of my medications, including the most important one, my mood stabilizer, and ripped them out of my hands. So after that, I was just screaming at the top of my lungs and pulling my hair out and banging my head against the wall remembering "Only the head has pain receptors. The brain doesn't." Thinking maybe if I could just bash my skull in to the point of brains, then I wouldn't feel anything and could physically rip my brain out by pieces since I wouldn't be able to feel anything. But then my parents came downstairs obviously coz of the noise of me banging my head against the wall as hard as I could and I ran and pushed the couch in my room against the door and pushed the table against that and pushed the bed against that. Which ...minus a small triangular bureau thing by my bed, that's all the furniture in my room.

So...I couldn't get out or in for days. This was during a period of which my dad had just gotten out of the geriatric ward and my mom was dealing with his new weird habits and medication reactions. So obvs, I mean, I'M the one who barricaded myself in. Why should they deal with me? I get that.

I just...pulled the barricade out from my side and pushed on the other side for what felt like hours until it gave out. I grabbed my bag, put my laptop and notepad for school in it, chargers, phone, and left.

Now. . .if you've ever been up my mountain, you'll know it's a 10 minute DRIVE up there. Nah, fam, I walked all that. And then walked more...and more...and more...and there was no signal...anywhere...Idk how long I walked. But I was wearing odd clothing because nothing was clean obviously. I was wearing a sweater with nothing underneath and shorts and plaid shoes and I had lost my glasses so I didn't even have those. And I ended up somewhere on this road...Idk how far I went but I kept checking for service to text any friend to see if they would let me couch hop for one or two nights. But no. No signal. So I started walking back.

It was too hot. I laid down on the very edge of the pavement of this tiny, windy, backroad and I remember looking up at the trees and seeing the sun shine through the leaves and just...being in awe of the beauty. I went to take a picture of it with my phone but then I blacked out.

Somewhere during this time, a car almost hit me and left skid marks on the road which the police pointed out later. Idk if I was awake for that or not. But then I woke up to this really sweet mom and she had her van stopped beside me and she was holding me and shaking me and her little ...gradeschooler(??) age kid was like screaming at her like "IS HE ALIVE!?" or something. I'm not entirely sure what. Somewhere during that time, local 911 dispatch was called from my phone. Maybe I did it. Maybe she did. Idk. But local 911 dispatch works even when you don't have service, so. . .thank god for that? I guess. Maybe not. It probably would have been better if I had just been hit by a car and died, honestly.

Legit 3 ambulances and 1 cop car showed up. I was withdrawing really, really badly and I hadn't had any water in literal days and I obviously hadn't eaten in even longer than that. I was super dehydrated and malnourished and overexhausted, yet my stats were okay. Like, everything like my BP and temp and pulse checked out. My BP is chronically low and lowered even more by the BP med I take for migraines so it's obvious that it was a "little high, but normal". And my temp was not too high. And my pulse wasn't thready, which I had already checked myself to make sure I could just go to sleep on the road and wake up later after resting. The EMT's said I could go with them or not. And the cop said "You're 25. If you wanna walk away from me right now and keep walking down that road and go to sleep on the side of the road, I can't stop you. But by the skid marks on the road here (like I mentioned), I'm pretty sure you're going to get hit by a car. So..." I mean, well, if that's not my damn white privilege at its finest... But, anyways, I said "Yeah, y'know what, I'm just gonna keep walking." Then the cop pulls me aside and is like "No. I really don't think you should." And one of the EMTs knew my mom from when she worked at the same hospital he worked at and had been up to our house plenty of times. So he drove up to her house and brought her back because, yknow...no service. And I told the police and EMTs to just...lemme go from there. I didn't want police involved. Coz, as the officer said, "You're 25. You make your own decisions at this point in life." So I did.

I adamantly told my mother I wasn't going back with her and she was about to scream at me but then I threw up blood. Just...pure blood. And idk how I got to Asheville Memorial Trauma Center, but I did. They had a helipad. It was like being in a Grey's Anatomy episode coz they're a level 1 trauma center. Omg. So cool. They had all this fancy equipment like that green vein scan thingy where you run it over the AC or the hand and it just shows you where the veins are so you don't have to feel for them. It was fascinating.

I got stuck maybe 8 times, though. For blood draws and such. Coz my veins are small and they roll and I'm a very hard stick.

I don't remember much from the time I was there but we didn't leave until like...idk, idr, maybe 4am? We got home around 6am. Dad had locked us out of the house. The key was in view on the inside from the window and I was delirious and laughing while my mom was fuming angry and screaming for my dad to wake up and pounding on the door.

Something happened between this that I don't remember. Lots of black-out periods, obvs.

I slept. I withdrew. Hard. Lots of pain. This is day 5 of totally nothing and there's STILL lots of pain. Then the same thing happened. My mom barricaded my car in and took my meds from me and locked me in the basement. So I said...fuck it....and lied and said I had friends to stay with, even though I hadn't even contacted anyone at this point yet. Coz I figured that would make her let me leave if she knew a friend was involved. And she still wouldn't let me out unless I gave a full name, address, and telephone number. She kept saying this was all for "my safety". I couldn't handle it. I can't handle being in that house anyways. Anyone with depression will know that environment affects your moods VERY highly. So I was not only withdrawing from opiates, benzos, ambien, a BP med for migraines, but also cold turkey from my mood stabilizer. Like, I'm surprised I didn't die. I wish I would have. I have never been in so much pure physical and mental agony in my life.

I don't remember much of the next few days. And I don't remember how we came to an agreement, but my mom gave me my meds back and let me out and let me take my car. I was crying and screaming so hard because she told me if I didn't come home and stay home, she was going to take my dog to a kill shelter. And there was nothing I could do.

I went down somewhere in town on a backroad where no one would find me in the pure dark and called my old therapist. He recommended several good 7-day detox programs for me that also handle psych issues. Because rehabs won't take me due to my psych issues because they don't have the capability to handle psych medications.

I had somehow convinced my mom to let me sleep in my car that night. She had been screaming about how "Human beings DO NOT live in cars, Killian!" And such nonsense that typical cis white baby boomers babble about. I don't remember much of that night. But I ended up in a hotel somehow. Where I have been for the past few days. I went to volunteer, got that job, was about to go scrub shopping with my mom when the withdrawals just got too intense and I thought "My doctor is a former addict. Like. Everyone knows this. He SHOULD help me. Right?" Wrong.

We went to my doctor and he was literally screaming at me and pointing his pen in my face saying he wasn't going to be manipulated by a bipolar drug addict anymore. And I have NEVER been diagnosed bipolar. Ever. That has never come up even once except with him. I am most definitely NOT bipolar. And when I said that, he's like screaming at me that I'm definitely bipolar and that he's cutting me off of everything except my mood stabilizer and that I need to get in with a psychiatrist if I want my benzos back, which are what I need, and a neurologist if I want my BP meds back, and where the hell I'm going to find Ambien to sleep? Fuck.

AND THEN He starts yelling about how he's never had a case of costochondritis in his 30-something years of being a doctor and that I am lying about it. But my mom was in the room and she's like quietly shaking her head. Because I have been diagnosed three times now with costo. It's supposed to be short term. But mine is long term and that's where it gets confusing because costo has never really lasted this long in many people in the entire world so far. And he just screams at me that it's all psychological and that I have too many problems and that I'm never going to make it through school, so why am I even trying, and then says that I am probably going to be living in a state mental institution by the age of 30 or less.

I just walked out at this point. Thank god I had my car. I drove off. Drove. For a while. Got lost. Stopped at a rest stop and texted my platonic soul mate. I was ready to drive to New Orleans right then without anything at all. But I calmed down a bit after popping one of the few ativan or valium (Idr) I have left and came up with a better plan because even my therapist said "You're being dismissive of my help. I don't think you want my help. This is not going to end well." But no. I don't even care anymore. I'm going to get through this.

Got set up in a very cheap hotel near my volunteer shelter for 3 days to sort things out and come up with a plan. So I have been wracking my brain and doing SO much research and talking to so many friends about potential living arrangements. But nothing came up. I need to be in a city or heavily populated suburb because I cannot HANDLE being isolated and I cannot handle living by myself either.

So best friend and I eventually came up with a plan. Thank god her roommates are such wonderful people. I love them both so much.

The Tech school I can AFFORD to get into is in Asheville. And I want more hands on experience than the online world is giving me. I want to be able to dissect things and do actual venipuncture restraint positions on dogs bigger than me and I want to do all these things PHYSICALLY. I want HANDS-ON experience and I just...can't get a shadowing position in such a small town.

Problem being, if I leave NC for over a month, I lose my disability, SSI, EBT, and Medicaid. I could do without disability, SSI, and EBT...but I cannot afford my medications without Medicaid. So I'm not sure what I'm going to do while going to school because I only get about 650ish a month from my disability and about 50 from my SSI and 74 on my EBT which my parents use because I really don't eat coz of my anorexia and depression and anxiety combo. But my Medicaid pushes meds that are normally around 200-300 dollars out of pocket, even with discounts like GoodRx, pushes them all the way down to 3 dollars a piece. And my mood stabilizer is especially pricey. So Idk what I'm gonna do when I move in with someone in Asheville coz I will want to be focusing on school and shadowing/interning and volunteering and not have to worry about working, but then. . .I want to work, too. But only at a vet's office or somewhere that deals with medical things. I'm literally 1 class away from getting my vet transfer degree. But do you know why I started over from scratch? Because I can't handle the speech class which is the last and only class I need AND because this degree, albeit a fully accredited AA, is nothing more than a "Here. You have taken all the gen ed classes and a million extracurriculars and now you can use this degree to get into a vet tech school!" Which, I mean, is great, because I REALLY want to get into North Carolina Univeristy in Raleigh. . .that would be my ideal school for vet tech training in this state (not my ideal state, obvs...I hate the south and I want to live in Massachusetts, but it's too expensive). But. . .the in-state tuition is above 10k. I highly doubt any sort of financial aid would cover all of that, even with Pell Grants.

Yes, I realize that becoming a tech and then going for the full vet surgeon licensing is gonna put me in debt until long after I die and that I'm going to be paying back literal millions of dollars worth of loans for the rest of my life and beyond. But why go to a school like that for 10k when they have the same hands-on program at a fully accredited community college? I never even realized how much of a difference the community college price versus university price was. . .because I've had Florida Pre-Paid this whole time and haven't had to pay anything big yet and right now my loan paybacks are at about 1k-2k at the most. I just...would uh...to add a 10k on top of that... (for one semester)...and then another 10k (for one more semester)...then two more 10k's for the last two semesters....I don't know if I could do all that. And then I have to PAY to take three different tests and if I fail even one, all that training was for nothing. And of course, applications and records and SAT score retrieval all cost money, too. AND THIS IS JUST FOR TECH SCHOOL. NOT EVEN FULL VET LICENSING AND SURGICAL LICENSING. So despite NC State and Raleigh being my dream in this state. . .it's just not. . .I don't think it's a wise decision. So I'm aiming for Asheville.

Now. . .all my disability money and SSI will be going to rent and utilities and I'm totally willing to share my EBT with whatever roommate I end up with, but I will lose ALL of that if I start any kind of job. Even a min wage retail job. And I'm fine with that. I will work till it kills me to make rent and utilities and such. But it's the FUCKING MEDICAID. If I start working, I lose my Medicaid, too. ...and I can't afford my meds without it. So...I'm not sure what to do here. I don't have credit yet but if I were to GET a credit card and gain credit, it would immediately be awful because of all my medical debt and there's no coming back from that coz I just can't do it in this economy. Which is exactly why I have put off getting any sort of credit. For...my entire adult life.

But right now...my plan is...go to New Orleans with my three good friends. Stay there for 2 weeks-month tops, which they said is totally fine and I'm completely welcome. Not like we haven't done this before in opposite situations anyways. Lmao. We help each other as much as we can. Next step? Gain roommate in Asheville through several roommate matching sites I found. Move there. THEN work on getting into the college I want and transferring my online credits and all the credits from the two other colleges I'm in and transferring my SAT scores whilst attempting to find an internship or shadowing position. And after that? I'm really not sure. I don't have a plan from there. But my mom agreed to keep my double coat dog brushed, cleaned, updated on his shots, fed properly like I feed him (NO HUMAN FOOD DAMNIT), bathed, nails clipped, butt shaved, and get the anesthesia dentistry done he needs for the next 2 years while I get my life in order. It's going to literally kill me to be away from him like that. But she said if I am not "stable to her liking" in 2 years, she will put him in a kill shelter. So not only do I WANT to do this, I HAVE to do this. Because if that happened. . .that would be the absolute last straw at any chance I would have of recovery. That dog is my life. Hell, I have his name tattooed on my wrist. I spend every waking second with him and even these couple weeks of in and out of consciousness was hell without him. I was worried about him every goddamn second and I could hear him borking and howling upstairs while I was barricaded downstairs and it would just kill me. It was like I could physically feel my heart being stabbed.

Annnd....Idk how I'm going to find a roommate that will take in an asexual, polyamorous, panromantic, nerdy recluse like me with questionable future financial stability and no credit. But even if I have to live in my car to get through school, find a place, and get my dog with me, I'll do it. I'm HOPING I will find a roommate that likes me AND a vicious little (read: very large) neurotic pomeranian in tech school. Someone who ALSO has a dog or AT LEAST a cat so that my dog will not be lonely while I am gone all day. I don't want to have to take him in with me alone and then be gone literally all day and only see him for 2 seconds before falling asleep and getting the only interaction with him possible at feeding time and to briefly take him out to go potty. I don't want that for him. He needs more. He deserves more. At least, leaving him with my mom and dad, he will be safe and taken care of and will have his "sister" and the cats to play with and he can bork to his hearts content. And my dad is retired and my mom only works 4 days a week, so he will be walked every day and taken out appropriately and I made them sign a document stating they would do this for 2 years.

So...tomorrow...I am scouring Asheville, every surrounding town within a 15 mile radius, and one within a 20 mile radius, to see what everything looks like in person and make sure the areas are diversified and active and are NOT a small town or even close to a regular sized town, but much bigger and much more diversified than a goddamn southern town with a bunch of white deer hunting orange overlord voters and then I'm gonna make it back in time for the Discovery premiere (Trekkie thing) coz it will be legendary. Like...Kirk's premiere, kinda legendary. And then I'm gonna pack after that, cuddle with my dog all night, and...leave for New Orleans whenever I wake up if I manage to sleep. Or leave when I finally decide "Fuck it, I can't stay in bed any longer." And I'll say goodbye to my dog.....and...cry..a lot...and hug him and kiss him and take tons of pictures and oh god now I'm crying.

That's all just the basics, though. There has been a lot of other less major stuff going on that's getting to me but. . .I will be so goddamn happy to see my three friends that are taking me in that I think I'm gonna cry good tears when I get there.

It’s really hard to think straight when you’re withdrawing AND the most impulsive person in the world.

Just gotta say...I thought dealing with generalized anxiety without meds was hard. Nah...dealing with panic disorder without meds is impossible. I can't fucking do anything without having a mostly physical style panic attack every 2 goddamn seconds. Feels worse than withdrawals, honestly. I have a couple benzos left...but literally only like 2 ativan and maybe 5 valium? So...trying to save those for like...really hard moments like the first day of an internship or something. So I have a plan about that, too, and Idk if it’s going to work, but I am DONE writing right now.

THANK YOU GOODNIGHT.

[theemptybloggercometh]

You’re Stronger than You Think

Fandom: The Bright Sessions

Characters: Chloe Turner and Sam Barnes

Summary: Just two friends talking about asexual representation and mental health over a couple of drinks

Triggers: Description of an anxiety attack

Word Count: 2265

The right sleeve of Chloe Turner’s purple hoddie brushed against the records she had already flicked past as she got to an Ella Fitzgerald album. Taking it off the shelf she carried it over to the record player and slid the vinyl out of the outer cover before placing it on the turntable and gently placing the needle onto the outmost groove. As the sound of the Queen of Jazz started to quietly come through the sound system Sam Barnes came through from her kitchen carrying two wine glasses.

“Good choice” Sam remarked as she sat the glasses down next to the waiting bottle of wine on the low table in front of the couch,

“Well you’ve got an impressive collection; it was so hard to pick as everything’s so great” Chloe replied.

Chloe sat down on the couch sliding her jean-clad legs underneath herself. She looked at Sam unscrewing the cap off the bottle of wine and admired the fit of the knee length green plaid dress with a white peter pan collar that her best friend was wearing. Sam handed one of the glasses to Chloe as she too sat down on the couch and took a sip of wine.

“I was thinking” Sam said “The college is doing a production of Rent, right? Well perhaps we could go and see it sometime next week?”

“Oh I would love to go” Chloe exclaimed. However the smile faded as she remembered how money was a bit tight that month “except I don’t think I’ll be able to afford it; I’m so much of a struggling artist that I can’t see a musical about struggling artists”

(I’ll treat her to it)

Hearing Sam think this Chloe wrapped her arms around her which nearly caused both women to spill their wine.

“You heard that, right”? Sam asked as Chloe resumed her original position

“Yeah, thanks so much” Chloe replied, blushing

“That’s okay” Sam said “Just to check you’ll be okay with the audience? I didn’t know if them thinking about the songs and the props and the costumes and the set would be overwhelming?

“It’ll be there, yes, but I’m sure it will be negated by my own thoughts about seeing one of my favourite musicals and one of my ace headcannons”

“Oh, that’s Mark Cohen, right? The narrator and filmmaker?”

“Yeah, seeing him completely content about dancing alone in the middle of all the couples in the movie version really helped me to accept my asexuality”

She stopped and sighed

“But it would be so good though not to have to headcannon characters as ace and instead have actual asexual characters in actual media”

“Because it would give you reassurance” Sam said

“Exactly. When you can’t see other queer people, either on the big screen or in real life, you question if you’re faking it or if you’re a freak”

(That’s what I felt like before finding out there were other a-typicals)

“Is this what it felt like also not seeing introverted characters?” asked Chloe

“I suppose, you hardly see anything but the extrovert ideal and yet some estimates put introverts as being half of the population. But I know the challenges quiet people face are different and not as serious as what gay people encounter”

(Damn it, should I have said LGBTQA people? Or queer people? But what if isn’t appropriate for me to use that term?)

“I wouldn’t say that” Chloe said “both queer people and introverts experience the world differently and seeing other people being successful because of not despite that different could be so empowering, I know it gives me hope”

Chloe paused, raised the glass up to her lips and took a sip of wine

“And it’s not just the ‘us’s’ who this can change but the ‘them’s’ as well.

“Is that like how people are more likely to support equal marriage if they know someone LGBTQA, so could it be someone like a celebrity, for example?” Sam asked but then after considering what she had just said she added “Although if you’re a problematic conservative type you’re not very likely to voluntarily watch something that contradicts everything you believe in, are you?”

“No” agreed Chloe

“But” continued Sam “the more LGBTQA people and realistic LGBTQA characters are visible in the mainstream the less they will be able stay in their own bubble ignoring the real world”

“Exactly” Chloe said and then leaned back on the couch and sighed  

“What’s wrong?” Sam asked

“It’s just that you get it however people at college don’t” Chloe replied

“But it’s an art school” Sam exclaimed “I would have thought they of all people would be right behind this”

“Oh, they are and that the problem, they need representation to be perfect, they want characters, actors and content creators to be faultless and if they fail to match up to the extraordinarily high expectations they’ll disown them”

“That’s ridiculous, we all make mistakes or aren’t as socially aware as we could be. It makes you wonder how many script writers have avoided doing proper and accurate depictions because of this.”

“You’re absolutely right and I’ve tried to point that out but it get so tiring having to be that person” Chloe agreed “that person who has to put her head above the parapet, that person who has to ‘controversial’ and say oh, I don’t know, perhaps we should give people a break once in a while, perhaps we should give people a chance learn through from the things they get wrong instead of automatically assuming that they’re going to continue making mistakes, not that they think it’s a mistake at all; they think it’s a deliberate act of violence”

Chloe took another sip of wine

“And then there’s my ability” she continued “I say all this and they give the impression that their listening but I can hear what their thinking behind the smiles and nodding heads”

“Which is?” Sam tentatively asked

“That their only listening to be polite or that they think I’m boring or, and this is my personal favourite, that I’m too nice”  

“Oh no they didn’t” Sam cried “there’s nothing like being too nice, in fact, the world could do with a few more too nice people at the moment.”

“That’s what I try and remember; whenever I begin to wonder what’s the point, when all I seem to hear is negativity, I think back to how my ability has helped others”

(See, that’s what I like about her: she always sees the upside)

Like when I met this girl in her first year at this exhibit on campus, which actually wasn’t that good, but anyway we got talking and I kept hearing all these thoughts of how she was thinking of quitting because her parents opposed her studying art instead of something ‘useful’ so I asked her why she had originally loved painting, that was her favourite type of art, well, she told me all these reasons and ended up being more enthusiastic than she had been in a long time. She recently got a prize for a piece she entered into the Winter Showcase. I saw what she did; it was amazing. I’m so glad she didn’t chuck that talent away”

“Wow” Sam looked impressed but then started to shake her head “You know, that attitude that art is somehow a waste of time really annoys me. Being able to maintain my mental health by colouring things in is as useful to me as keeping my heart healthy enough to pump 2000 litters of blood around my body a day”

Chloe threw a perplexed look at her friend

“Oh, sorry, a throwback to traveling to South Africa in the 1960’s and seeing the first heart transplant being discussed” Sam explained and then added as an afterthought “although I am glad I didn’t arrive in the Operating Room”

(and thanks for telling me about the adult colouring books)

“You’re welcome” Chloe responded

“For what?”

“Introducing you to art therapy”

“Was I thinking that? Not that I’m not grateful, of course I am”

(Great Sam, that didn’t sound obnoxious at all…Just hope you haven’t upset her, oh please let it be okay)

“Sam it didn’t…”Chloe started to say before stopping to ensure she picked her next words with the greatest care

(See what you’ve done now! She doesn’t want to talk you, you stupid girl, why didn’t you just shut up? This is why you don’t deserve friends)

Sam’s chest was raising and falling at decreasing intervals and her breaths were turning more and more shallow

“Hey, Sam, its okay” Chloe reassuringly said “take some deep breaths with me. Feel the air enter your nose and fill your lungs and then feel it pass over your lips as you breathe out”

(Breath in 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11 and breath out 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9. Breath in 1,2,3,4…)

Sam continued repeating this until the two friends were mirrored in their slow breathing patterns

“Sorry about that” Sam murmured

“Nothing to be sorry about” said Chloe

“I know…but…I’m so used to apologising that…”

Chloe reached across and laid her hand onto Sam’s shoulder

“Its okay” she said and then after a minute she asked “why don’t I make us a herbal tea or something?”

“That sounds good” Sam replied with a weak smile

Letting go of Sam Chloe got up from the couch and crossed the living room to the kitchen where she busied herself with switching on the kettle and finding a couple of mugs. As she put a bag of camomile into each of the cups Sam came into the kitchen and sat down on one of the stools by the breakfast bar.

“That thing you were going to say…it was my anxious thoughts wasn’t it?” she asked

“Yes it was” Chloe replied “I didn’t want to make you self-conscious or embarrassed so I didn’t want to mention it but I did anyway. I’m sorry”

“As you said nothing to be sorry about, I think I would have got like that no matter what…my mind would have latched onto something”

Chloe took the kettle which had just finished boiling over to the cups and poured the water into them. Then she brought the mugs over to where Sam sat and put them down onto the counter before drawing up a stool and sitting across from Sam.

“Thanks Chloe” Sam said as she reached for a mug and clasped it in her hands “It’s so annoying when I think that it’s never going to totally be gone. I think I’m making progress and taking a step forward but then it comes back. Every time”

“Recovery might not be absence of a feeling but getting better at dealing with it” suggested Chloe

“Hmm, that’s a good point” considered Sam. She then lifted her mug to her lips and took a sip of tea “Like when I get anxious I try to ignore how tense I get but recently I’ve been saying to myself ‘Sam, you’re anxious and that’s okay’ and you know what, the feeling of tension lessens considerably”

“That’s really good” Chloe said with an encouraging smile

(Wow, look at her, I’m so lucky to have her as my best friend)

Sam sat down her mug and sighed

“But every time I do get anxious I think all the progress is going to dissolve under my feet and I’ll be back to where I was a few short years ago; travelling so many times in a day that I lose count”

“And if it does me, Mark, Dr Bright, everybody will be there to support you” promised Chloe “But I don’t think you’ll need to because you’re stronger than you think, Sam”

Sam turned her head to the side and looked down at the floor, blinking to clear her eyes

“Gee, Chloe, thanks, that means a lot, it really does”

The two best friends drank their tea in companionable silence until Sam remembered the start of their evening.

“Say, we never discussed what we’re actually going to be doing next week with seeing Rent”

“Yeah that’s right” agreed Chloe “I was thinking perhaps either the Wednesday or the Friday showing…”

Later on after making plans and Chloe had washed up the mugs and wine glasses, despite Sam’s insistence that she was her guest and guests weren’t supposed to do that, the two friends stood in the hall. Chloe had just finished putting on her cream coloured Converse’s and was picking up her rucksack

“I’m really looking forward to next week”

“So am I” Sam said. Then she reached over and hugged Chloe “Thanks for your help with you know…”

“I meant what I said, you can do it, Sam, I believe in you”

The pair broke up. Sam then opened the door and Chloe passed over the threshold.

“Just to check: next Friday, meeting at yours at 6?” queried Sam

“Yeah, next Friday, meeting at mine at 6” Chloe concurred

“Message me when I get home” Sam said

“Will do” Chloe replied

She then walked across the driveway and opened the door to the waiting taxi and got in. As it started to reverse out of the drive way Sam waved her goodbye and Chloe returned the gesture. Sam watched the car make its way down to the end of the street and then disappear before closing the door. For the most part it had been an enjoyable day but all the same it had also been a long day and now her warm bed and a chapter of her book were calling out to her.

[lionofstone]

Rules: Complete the questions and say who tagged you in the beginning. When you’ve finished, tag people to do this survey. Have fun and enjoy!

repost rather than reblog.

I stole it from Jon @captaindicks because I was bored

1. Are you named after anyone? yes! my name is a family name, so I’m the fourth person to have it! It’s got a lot of meaning to me because of that 

2. When was the last time you cried? uhm uhm the last time I can remember was a few weeks ago when I was arguing with a friend of mine but even then I didn’t properly cry?? just got teary eyed I actually don’t tend to actually cry 

3. Do you like your handwriting? It’s neat enough and readable so yeah? I guess? 

4. What is your favourite lunch meat? I’m a vegetarian 

5. Do you have kids? I’m a kid????? 

6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? I’d like to say yes but I’m confused whenever someone calls me their friend so?? maybe, maybe not. I 

7. Do you use sarcasm? Without it, I wouldn’t be able to communicate with my family, to be totally honest with you. I use it more than I probably should, but if I use it in a conversation with you 9/10 it means that I think your cool 

8. Do you still have your tonsils? yep 

9. Would you bungee jump? absolutely!! I also think I have before?? maybe?? I can’t really remember but it seems like I have vague memories of doing it?? 

10. What is your favourite kind of cereal? like,,, boring ones?? Cheerios or Frosted Flakes or something like that 

11. Do you untie your shoe laces when you take them off? only if they’re my running shoes otherwise no I’m too lazy and generally don’t wear shoes with laces anyway 

12. Do you think you’re a strong person? I’m doing my best to be!!

13. What is your favourite ice cream? Vanilla for sure cause then you can put loads of different toppings on it and make it fun 

14. What is the first thing you notice about people? Hair, usually, if we’re talking physically. Or clothes, I take note of people's clothes really quickly, usually because they can serve as a good ice breaker and I work in retail 

15. What is your least favourite physical thing you like about yourself? way to teach self-love uhm... probably my nose I wish it was smaller 

16. What colour pants and shoes are you wearing? no shoes because I'm inside and I'm wearing my cream and burgundy striped pyjamas atm 

17. What are you listening to right now? danand//philgames playing some weird dating app 

18. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? I’ve said before that I think green suits me well so I’m going to stick with that, a deep, dark green that’s called like forest or something

19. Favourite smell? oooh uhm the cologne they sell at work or the smell of a used bookstore 

20. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? my friend Chloe because I was asking if she wanted a ride home 

21. Favourite sport to watch? I feel obligated to say hockey and tbh that’s probably true?? I also really like baseball if it’s live and I used to watch NASCA//R all the time 

22. Hair colour? this week on unnecessarily gendered words: blonde 

23. Eye colour? See my mum says my eyes are green but I’ve had people say blue and grey as well so??? I don’t actually know but I think green. 

24. Do you wear contacts? Nope!!!!! Eyes freak me out I’d be too scared to ever wear them 

25. Favourite food to eat? Pasta! Or ice cream 

26. Scary movies or comedy? Not really either? Probably comedy though 

27. Last movie you watched? I?? don’t remember?? OH! It was Leap Year but I only watched half of it 

28. What colour shirt are you wearing? Blue

29. Summer or winter? Uhm probably summer overall but I do really like winter 

30. Hugs or kisses? Hugs!! My only experiences with kissing haven’t been great but every hug I’ve ever given or received have been 10/10 

31. What book are you currently reading? Shadow Puppets 

32. Who do you miss right now? Currently no one in particular but to some degree I always miss my friends and family in Canada

33. What is on your mousepad? Do people still use mousepads??? 

34. What is the last tv programme you watched? It was definitely star trek and I'm like high-key in love

35. What’s the best sound? Laughter when your with your friends in public and you’re trying to not be too loud but someone’s just said something really funny and the people around you are giving you weird looks but you’re too happy to care (wow that was Extra)  

36. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles 

37. What’s the furthest you’ve travelled? Uhm... I moved across the world so??? 

38. Do you have a special talent? I can make my tongue into a W if that counts 

39. Where were you born? A small town in BC Canada 

I tag: @cooab @nu-1 @plaid-shirt-d4ys & anyone else!!

[some-thoughts-and-crosses]

When the slopes hit back...

I’m out of sequence again…I wanted to capture this trip but had things to say I wasn’t sure how to express. As with all these blog posts though, I decided to just write them completely unedited, so at least there’s a record. Plus I have another upcoming trip this weekend and am 2 posts behind already – so, best do it now. What a compelling start!

In Feb, I went away for the weekend to a ski town called Ovindoli. It’s about an hour and a half outside Rome, in Abruzzo. I went with 3 lovely girls from work, invited by one I knew pretty well (Sarah), while the other I knew a little (Stephanie), and the last not at all (Inkeri).

We stayed overnight at a beautiful medieval town called Fontecchio, an hour or so away from Ovindoli. Our digs looked like they were once part of a castle, and our host was so gracious and kind. We met him at the Square’s parking and he walked us over to our rooms – which we wouldn’t have found on our own.

This is where the women used to gather for water until as late as the 1960s.

Here be a medieval-times store-front. “Just like in Beauty and the Beast!” (Steph).

The town’s cultural group was having a celebration and aperitivo that night and we were invited.

We ended up passing the chief performer anyway as we went by the clock tower – the starting point. He was animatedly playing the accordion as we went by in preparation for the evening. He and his friend – a sweet girl who spoke English, told us they were starting at 19:30, so we walked around a bit and headed back closer to the time. It was very informal and apparently he and another friend’s first performance! They played accordion and tambourine, singing local songs in dialect with great enthusiasm!

They even dressed in matching plaid shirts – their way of looking like ‘mountain’ people, we were told. I sent a clip to the gang and Aatish mentioned they gave off chutney jol vibes – which is pretty apt!

Everyone there was so friendly and welcoming to us – we were treated like VIPs. Steph pointed out that we made quite the exotic and international group, with her being Chinese-American, Inkeri being Finnish, and Sarah (also American), being red-haired – particularly uncommon in these parts.  

Alessio, our host, gave us a tour of the clock tower. It’s housed at the top of what is now a gallery. This was part of a permanent exhibit showing images from the earthquake of a few years ago that caused damage and deaths.

However all this came after day 1 at the ski resort. I managed to book a private hour lesson around 3PM, and had all but managed to psych myself out before it. Sarah and Steph can ski, and Inkeri was set to ski-board. I, on the other hand, had never so much as ridden a ski lift. I got fitted out for my skis and boots with the others anyway, and wore the boots for the day until time for my lesson. This was a big part of why I almost cancelled! It’s hard to explain just how awful these boots are. They’re extremely heavy and cumbersome. I felt like they were moon boots built to withstand anti-gravity environments, except I was wearing them on earth. Each step felt like a fall waiting to happen. And they hurt my shins. Carrying the skis around was also uncomfortable. I was also convinced (helped in part by anecdotes from colleagues) that I would fall and injure myself in the attempt of learning. I mean, I could barely walk with these boots – and I’d had a lot of practice walking! Please note that the idea of falling is not new to me. I have fallen many times on incredibly varied forms of transport. I’ve been jet-skiing (great fun, though I did end up overturning it and landing in the water). I have even face-planted in snow from steering a husky sled in Norway – at night, while it was snowing on my eye-balls. If you know me, you’ll know that looking cool is not my primary concern in this life. However I was worried about how I would get around and manage by myself in Rome, should I end up with injuries. Being alone and reliant on public transport, has its drawbacks.

My travel buddies were so sweet though, they even offered to give me a trial lesson pre-official lesson, so I could be more comfortable. This didn’t go well. This was not because they weren’t good instructors. I fell, and couldn’t get up. They had to help me un-click my skis before I could rise. This made the idea of practicing on my own nerve-wracking. I pictured myself in some undignified pose, unable to help myself back up. In retrospect, I could have probably managed to un-click my skis and get up, but I was pretty nervous at this juncture and not thinking very positively. I also didn’t want to get in anyone else’s way and unwittingly hurt someone.

I realised I was also feeling particularly sensitive. I suddenly felt a little overwhelmed by not knowing how to do yet another thing. And being torn between warring feelings of privilege that I could even be in a position to learn, and frustration that I had to suffer through the process of learning so late in life, when it’s just so much harder (for various reasons). At this juncture I want to quote Mindy Kaling (Why not me?):

Yes, I had the extreme privilege of starting to learn to ski. And I was miserable. I hated the feeling of ineptitude. I was suddenly tired of all the hassles whenever I wanted to try something new, logistical and otherwise.  I remembered learning to scuba dive, and being beset with the worst sea-sickness from the choppy water. And feeling conspicuous from being the only people of colour then (along with my brother. I’ve always been a proponent of doing the thing; trying new experiences. I’ve abseiled and been on zip-line slides. I have had a few horse-riding lessons. I’ve had one archery lesson. I tried to ice-skate once, when I lived in London over a decade ago. Kew gardens in winter is pretty magical, but I can still remember the unwieldy awfulness of being in those skates, as I clutched the rail for as long as I could stand before getting off the ice. I was tired of all these wonderful, awful experiences. I was resentful that so many of them were so hard, or had scary elements. I know…I was feeling sorry for myself. Poor Sena, who has trouble with her elitist adventures. All I can tell you, is that the struggle felt real. I realised that so many of these involved me venturing out alone, and receiving strange looks for being there in the first place. I am not over-sensitive, but I am perceptive. I wished it could just be easier. I felt resolve that my nephews and nieces wouldn’t ever feel this way. That they would have options early, and would be helped along as far as I could.

I did manage to pull myself together in time for my lesson. I lucked out with a wonderful instructor. She was patient and kind, and I ended up having a great lesson. That doesn’t mean I turned out to be a skiing savant…not at all. I still fell, but I learned too - and after my 2 lessons, I could feel an improvement.

Post weekend, I gave my mixed feelings some consideration, and happened to come across a timely article by one Maria Popova:

“De Botton distills Nietzsche’s convictions and their enduring legacy: The most fulfilling human projects appeared inseparable from a degree of torment, the sources of our greatest joys lying awkwardly close to those of our greatest pains…

Why? Because no one is able to produce a great work of art without experience, nor achieve a worldly position immediately, nor be a great lover at the first attempt; and in the interval between initial failure and subsequent success, in the gap between who we wish one day to be and who we are at present, must come pain, anxiety, envy and humiliation. We suffer because we cannot spontaneously master the ingredients of fulfilment. Nietzsche was striving to correct the belief that fulfillment must come easily or not at all, a belief ruinous in its effects, for it leads us to withdraw prematurely from challenges that might have been overcome if only we had been prepared for the savagery legitimately demanded by almost everything valuable. (Or, as F. Scott Fitzgerald put it in his atrociously, delightfully ungrammatical proclamation, “Nothing any good isn’t hard.”)

I’ve been nursing the assumption that I am uncoordinated and un-athletic, but actually, I was an active kid. I ran and jumped long and high, and there was always swimming. Stopping to think about it, maybe it’s more that I’m just bad until I get good. I still have a list of other activities to try out. I will try to remember this lesson.

After all that, let us end with a pic of the best hot chocolate I have ever had. It was in a cozy restaurant on the mountain, while surrounded by snow. Also, ski-lifts are fun.